The Viall Files - E595 Ask Nick - I Love Him, But Miss Sex With My Ex

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss an update from our last Ask Nick with a caller whose soulmate is getting married to someone else. We also get into the horror that is Tuesdays, and why it may be the most dramatic day of the week. We then get our Breakup Song of the Week submission.  Our first caller loves her current long-term partner, but is missing her sex-life with her ex. Our second caller’s ex-turned-situationship recently cut her out of his life, and brought their friend group with him. Our final caller is considering ending a life-long friendship after her “best friend” started dating her crush.  “It feels like it goes from zero to penetration really quickly.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS:  BetterHelp - Visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month.  ZocDoc - Visit http://www.ZocDoc.com/VIALL to find and book a doctor today.  Babbel - Get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to http://www.Babbel.com/viall.  Paramount - Paramount Plus. Stream Now.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. Hope you're having a wonderful morning, day, afternoon, Monday morning. Doesn't really matter what day of the week it is. We are just glad you chose us in this moment. We have a great episode for you. A lot going on. If you haven't yet, obviously a lot of Vanderpump.

We were recording this prior to the finale, so I don't know what the big secret is right now. You all know if you've been watching. But we did discuss last Thursday going deeper whatever that was because we're going to be recording it tomorrow. It's like a whole... It's like when YouTubers back in the day would say, I don't know what I'm going to do, but isn't

it so great that you'll know before I do? Right? Yeah. It's like time travel. Anyways, go check out that episode. It's a doozy, I am sure. Well, I hope either it's going to be an amazing secret or we're going to be highly disappointed. Either way, we're going to talk some shit. I remember we did this before the Love is Blind live reunion aired. And we were like, we don't know what's going to happen, but it's going to be interesting.

And it was very satisfying to watch back. In ways we didn't expect. Absolutely. What's going on? Yeah, well, last week, Sask Nick was, our first caller was- Title of the episode was?

My soulmate is marrying someone else. I need to stop my soulmate's wedding. Nailed it. I couldn't even remember and I wrote it. I know, I was like, it's punchy. I need to stop my soulmates wedding. There it is. I couldn't even remember and I wrote it. I know. I was like, it's punchy.

I don't know. It's efficient. That was Allie last week. I don't know. Couldn't be me. So for context to anybody who didn't listen, this person emailed in

because somebody who they'd been romantically involved with in the past. They had like a situation ship. They had a situation ship. Back and forth, off and on, yada, yada, yada. Like we're sort of on the takeoff ramp, but never quite made it into the past. They had like a situation. They had a situation. Back and forth, off and on. Yeah.

Like we're sort of on the takeoff ramp, but never quite made it into the air. And she felt like there are just a bunch of misconnections. That was her read or perspective. A hundred percent. And I think part of that was also her feeling like she didn't go all in at one point. And so she called in saying he is engaged to somebody else and I'm worried he's my soulmate. And I have been thinking about it and I'm very concerned about this situation and I don't know what to do. So there is a lot of discourse in the comments.

People made some interesting points. I just I think I'm sure it was pretty jarring for a lot of people to hear about this. I think a lot of people were maybe like putting themselves in the shoes of the fiance who was not privy to any of this stuff yeah um so i was thinking we could engage with the discourse hear what other people had to say did we read all some cages i think people were just like okay so so one person said i why are y'all condoning homewrecking i'm speechless at this point i'm convinced that they nick ali amanda just wanted to stir the pot slash watch a shit show unfold for content rather than genuinely help the caller. Incorrect.

No, I don't get off on shit shows. I get very stressed. Yeah, I would disagree specifically with this comment. I think other people make other good points. But like, I feel like. What are those good points? good points but like i feel like what are those good points okay so one person wrote when the first caller said she texted this guy last summer apologizing for getting mad at him and admitted to him that he was important to her how did the guy respond he seemed to just have kept his response

to her surface level he said it was fine and then that was that if he had felt the same way as she did wouldn't that have been the right moment for him to speak up and say something as well that was a perfect opening for him to rekindle but instead what did he do he not only seemed to not keep their convo going he then went and proposed to his girlfriends a few months later so the first caller was not a few months like according to the comment uh so the first color i feel like it was i i don't remember but i feel like it was there was some time yeah not that it really matters but okay so like a few months to maybe a year somewhere in that range so the first caller was not even on his mind the way he's been on hers for all these years keep in mind

this dude seemed to have dropped his life in order to move across the country to accompany his girlfriend so he is a man who takes drastic actions and will make sacrifices for the woman he thinks is relationship worthy for him. He also has cheated multiple times, no? Wait, he did cheat on They Made Out or something? Yeah, at the very beginning. Well, he cheated with the caller. But I think there was something

in that call where she had said it wasn't the only time that he had done that. I don't exactly remember. I thought he cheated a different time. Anyway, that's not really the point of the call so this this that was like the here's some of the goods of this comment i think the first caller is just in love with the idea and fantasy fantasy she has of him and is having a pick me moment where she's so unhappy with her current prospects that she's convinced herself that some dude who wanted to use her as a hookup and never committed to her when she was in his life is somehow her soulmate and that she has the same level of importance in his life, heart and mind as he and hers. She needs to pick herself,

choose herself, love herself, shout out Grey's Anatomy, and ask herself if she wants a man like this guy who didn't want to take a risk on her, who didn't fight for her or try to convince her to give him a chance, who made a clear decision about who he chose when he decided to block her on all his socials, is the kind of man she wants for herself. Also, one thing I've seen is that when a man is sure about you, he will pursue you and you will not have any confusion or doubts or unsureness about his feelings. If you do something like text him out of the blue and give a man who is in love with you and thinks you are worth fighting for, worth taking action

and making effort for, a man who's convinced you're his soulmate and the one for him and he wants to do right by you. Sorry, there were a lot of commas in there but we got through there. The war is fine. Stop. He will not let the convo die or go out and propose to another woman.

Wow. He might have feelings for you, but this doesn't mean he truly loves you or that he sees you as relationship material. In his mind, there's still something about you that he just does not convince him. You are the one worth risking the comfortable relationship he currently has because his current relationship is fulfilling his needs and desires in the same way that he doesn't feel like you would be better at doing. I think this commenter makes a really good point about the way that we can in our own realities, like really inflate certain details and we can end up in a place that's totally different than another person. Where I would push back and kind of defend your advice is that I think this caller really needed closure. Like I think she was obsessively

thinking about this man. And I think in your approach in kind of advising her on what to do, I think it was very much geared at being like, what do you need to accept the reality? Like, how can we confront this reality? Because clearly you have one in your brain and we don't know what his is. Presumably it's a bit different given that he's engaged to someone else. But like, we need to like reckon these two things and we need to get you an answer that is going to give you whatever kind of lack of ambiguity you need to definitively move on. For me, it was less of, oh, yeah, he is your soulmate, but more so just that. Like, so that she knew she'd done every possible thing to say her piece.

And now she has. Yeah, essentially. I mean, I guess all I would really say is, as far as you, anyone in a relationship, it's your job to protect your relationship and your partner's job to protect your relationship. It's not anyone else's job to protect that relationship. That doesn't mean that someone can't be a homewrecker, right, per se, right? When anyone calls in, we only have the, unless it's a mediation call, we only have the privilege of talking to the caller. And the caller is the subject of the

call and we're there to help them with whatever question or concern that they have. And to Amanda's point in this particular case, like she had this idea that this guy was her soulmate. You guys, if you listen to the show long enough, you know that I don't really subscribe to the soulmate mentality. But nevertheless, I'm not here to tell people what to believe in. She had this idea that there might be something there.

And all she did was shoot her shot via text. As we told the caller, unless she coincidentally like reached out at the right time, and maybe he's been thinking about right time and maybe he's been thinking about her and maybe he's been obsessed with her we don't know and you know for whoever the comment was talking about how this guy feels like sure maybe they're maybe the commenter is right i have no fucking clue there's a million different scenarios people do break up i mean

as far as the other woman so to speak his fiance his fiance now, like, you know, people like, oh, I can't believe you allowed this girl to do this. Listen, if the only reason this guy is engaged to this other woman is because our caller didn't shoot their shot and really put themselves out there and finally to say, hey, I know I've been kind of putting one foot in the water and one foot out and haven't totally gone for it, but now I want to say, hey, I want to be with you and I'm willing to do anything. If that's the only reason they're together is because she didn't do that, then I don't think that caller in the long run wants to be with this guy and so it's this guy's job to protect his his his engagement that relationship as we told the caller the right thing for him to

do is this not is to ignore totally to just dismiss her you know but it's her job to you know she had a feeling she wanted to express it we're allowed to express whatever we want to people if they're in a relationship you know like doesn it make you a homewrecker because you have feelings for someone you know it'd be one thing if you show up at his house in a trench coat and lingerie yeah and they start come out to the bar and like get him really fucked up and then lean in and well that's like fucked up on several levels flirting with him yes if you do the thing where you're like yeah let's say a guy's married and in a relationship or engaged or whatever it is, or in a committed relationship. And yes, or a woman, if it's the other way around.

And you are inappropriately flirting and being secretive and trying to get them to cheat on their partner. Yeah, or you try to strike up a friendship with the ulterior motives of seducing them. There's plenty of fucked up ways to go about this. But just putting yourself out there and being vulnerable and saying, hey, I know you're in a criminal relationship. I know this is bad timing. This is how I feel about you. Do with it what you want.

It's not a crime. And if this guy responds the way she wants, then at the end of the day, we did this other woman a favor. She's, you know, engaged to some... I'm really, you know, we do have an update, by the way, which we will get to. Sorry, it's on Vile Files Plus. Well, it's our very next update

episode, which is a Vile Files Plus episode. It's free to sign up, by the way. But yes, it's an update. It's exactly what you guys would... Well, it's a very clear update. We'll just say that. But yeah, I mean, listen, people call in and we're here to help the person who calls. And that was the goal, right? And personally, I didn't think she was going to get the answer she wanted, but you never know. And when I gave her the advice, to be honest, I didn't really think she was going to get the answer you want. We have an update.

We'll see if I'm right. But it is up to him to protect his relationship. It would be wonderful if it was more accessible to learn from other people's mistakes. Like I think it would be so great if in these situations, like your friends reasoning could get through to you. Like the world would be a much better, simpler place if it was true that you could kind of take input from other people and reason with yourself a little bit more. But because this is just oftentimes like such a like more deeply emotional or there's a lot of stuff going on subconsciously that you can't engage with like sometimes you just need to learn by doing and i feel like we approach this by being like okay we kind of tested the waters it's she's pretty set on this like she is wanting to shoot her shot so

like what is the way that she can do this in the way that is like most respectful to this relationship i don't think we were going into this call hoping that this guy would respond positively. Like I personally like wasn't really hoping he would because then it's- I was indifferent. If he responds to her in the way she hopes, I mean, he must've been thinking about her. Yeah.

Right? He must've had her at her mind. And again, if you're the other woman, I mean- That's so unfair to you. Yeah. It's like assuming that the only reason that I'm with Natalie is because guys don't DM her and like shoot their shot and try to get her attention or that women aren't, you know, shooting their shot with me in my DMs. Like the only reason

we're together is because that doesn't happen. No, you have to protect your relationship. It's up to the people in relation to protect to the relationship. As far as the couple goes, you know, you hope that our caller is not even on the radar. And so maybe he has a new number. Again, he should ignore her. He should not respond. And if this guy was a stand up guy, he would go to her, his fiance and say, I just want you to know this person reached out yeah i haven't spoken with them i have no feelings i don't know why they feel this way this is out of the blue

this is out of the blue but because i want to be up front with you this happened you know because i don't want to know i want you to know that i don't hide shit like this from you you know and that's his job it's how how he did going to handle someone pursuing him? If you're going to be in a relationship, you have to trust your partner. You have to trust yourself to handle things. You have to handle people stressing the relationship. You have to handle people not protecting or giving a shit about your relationship like you should protect and give a shit about your relationship. Yeah. It reminds me of like Brene Brown talking about parenting in one of her books was like, you have to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.

Or like, I think as parents, sometimes you, you know, you want to protect. So you have to carry the two. Hey, listening comprehension is a doozy in the morning. So you have to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child, meaning that as parents, I think sometimes it can be really tempting to go in and orchestrate and meddle to make sure that like, you know, if someone's being mean to your kid at school, like you want to go in and you want to like make sure this path is OK and safe and life is hard. Yeah. But what you really need to do is say like, OK, sure, there's certain stuff where you're like,

don't go down that path. There's a bear trap bear trap but in general like there's going to be a lot of paths that you know they eventually will have to walk down on their own and so you're trying to build skills for them and i think this is kind of an example of like for their relationship the person the fiance the two fiancees like to prepare the relationship for the path would be to field this and work through it together as a couple saying that like she never should have done this. She's homewrecking by just communicating how she feels is trying to prepare the path for the couple and saying that they should never have any kind of adversity, nothing convenient, nothing that conflicts with their wants and needs. I'm going to say something that's going to really trigger to eventually trigger some of our audience. Oh, boy. And you've got a glint in your eyes.

some of our audience oh boy and you got a glint in your eyes well if you listen to that episode and you are in a relationship and you felt triggered by that caller right and let's say you had a certain way about it then i would um propose that you have some trust issues with your partner and i do too so if that you, please know that it's, and it doesn't mean you don't love your partner. It just means- It just means that you, like, again, like, you know, the idea that like, you know, it's like the whole thing, you know,

if your partner does some fucked up shit, you know, who are you more mad at? Are you mad about at your partner? Are you mad about the other party? You know, their accomplice, so to speak. It doesn't mean you don't have the right to be mad at them. But at the end of the day, as far as the other woman, the fiance, this girl should be insignificant to her. Because the idea is she has all the trust that she should have, whether it's justified or not, in her fiance. And so at the end of the day, it is, again,

the responsibility of the two people in the relationship to protect the relationship. And shit might happen, you work through it and whatever. But if you are, to Amanda's point, so afraid for your partner to step out in the world and have other people pursue them or find them attractive or flirt with them or whatever, it's their job to enforce the boundaries of the relationship, not the other people who they come in contact as they go out into the world. And that includes past exes and things like that. And you should, honestly, you should invite people to do this. I mean, honestly, if one of Natalie's exes wants to reach out and profess their love, I don't think they're a homewrecker. I just feel like, yeah, I mean, of course, of course he feels that way.

I mean, I would hate to have Allie as an ex, you know, like type of thing. Did you say Allie? Natalie. Natalie. Okay, sorry. I thought I said Allie. I'd probably hate to have Allie as an ex too, given the current situation. That'd be awkward.

So like, same. Just file files canon for anybody who doesn't know. Nick and Allie did date. Oh my God. Oh my God, no. No, one of us would be dead. Can you imagine if we revealed that like this casually and this deep into the podcast?

Yikes. Just threw it away. Yeah, but anyway not not important um they literally have and most wedding ceremonies this whole like speak now forever hold your peace mentality taylor swift album yeah i mean so this is kind of a speak now forever hold your peace she is speaking now she's going to get it off her chest. And if nothing else, hopefully this will give her closure to Amanda's point to move on and accept that whatever fantasy she has in her head, if he rejects her or doesn't respond, but we do have an update. I'll just say that. then if he doesn't respond or if he rejects her, then she, in theory, should be able to just say,

you know what? Whatever I had built up in my head, you know what? He's happy. He must be content. He's not really my soulmate. I got the answer I needed. And yeah, for the comments, yeah. Of course, there's a chance that she's fantasizing this or playing things in your head or seeing things a certain way, ignoring other facts. Of course that's possible. We all do that. But we have all probably been in situations where, you know, the whole one who got away concept is rapid amongst dating and people like who are single and fantasizing about one person, of course. But like, you know, that doesn't make them bad people because they want to maybe see if there's anything there. And if someone leaves a relationship for someone who shoots their shot, then maybe that that's on that person who left the relationship. It's not the people who feel like they've chickened out in the past and now they need

to finally put themselves out there in a very vulnerable situation to express their feelings, regardless if their feelings are a bit misguided or based on a fantasy rather than reality. And I will say, I found this discussion so interesting. It's always so cool to hear when people push back and challenge us and to continue the conversation. So thank you to everybody who voices their opinion and shares how they think and contributes to the discourse. So thank you to everybody who voices their opinion and shares how they think and kind of contributes to the discourse. We love you very much.

Yeah. And if you're someone who listens to this on which most people I know do, especially the Ask Nick's listens to this on audio only, we're reading comments from YouTube.

So if we've pissed you off and you want to write a comment, go to YouTube. Come, go to YouTube. Come on over to YouTube. You want to speak to the manager. Yeah. It's not the place for the show comments. It's because, you know.

You also get a free Kiki feed every episode. So you can just watch Kiki walk around. Our gorgeous Kiki stuff. It's like doggy daycare. What else we got? So speaking of discourse, another thing someone emailed in that I found fascinating and wanted to run by the rest of the team was. So this was in response to a while back.

We had a conversation about days of the week. Which one was the worst? It started with talking about Sunday scaries and then evolved to talking about all of the atrocities each day can hold. But this is what this person said. OK, so here's the thing about Tuesdays. Tuesdays are statistically the most dramatic day of the week. Dramatic? What do they mean by dramatic?

It doesn't have to be positive or negative necessarily, but start paying attention to things that happen to you on Tuesday, and you will notice that Tuesday is the day when things are happening. Just keep a Tuesday journal. It's mind-blowing. We have a breakup song of the week. Okay. It's In the Morrow by Brandi Carlile.

The person who submitted it said, I listen to this every single day after ending an eight-year relationship right before the pandemic and finding myself single and super all alone because of the restrictions. Oh, what a doozy of a situation. Can I just say? I'm sorry. That sounds lonely and tough. But the lyrics that really stood out to me are...

Oh, God. I always get so nervous for the poetry reading section. Ali, would you like to read the lyrics? If I could see them. I feel like I. Yeah. One person is dyslexic. The other one's blind.

Together we are. Okay. The lyrics that really stand out to me are. We could see how many years could slip away in the cold, dark nights and the long, hard days. And nothing aches quite like goodbye. In the morrow i'll be gone i gave it everything i had for so long save your sorrow for your song don't we always find a way to carry on that was great ali okay i feel like you had a rhythmic confidence

i am always like yeah well we have a fantastic episode for you today get ready ready to, I don't know, hopefully agree with us or disagree with us. I don't know, but I hope you enjoy the stories. As always, don't forget to send in those questions

at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Did I say come again? Yeah. Damn it. Keep it in. Keep it in. Asknickatthevilefiles.com. No, let it out.

Just let it breathe. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, sweat in the wedding, Ask Nick, mediation, you know, always invite your mediation.

We are still looking for that person who is able to get their situationship on a call. To shit or get off the pot. To shit, to get off the pot.

We encourage that if you're fighting with a friend, maybe you and a friend can come on, whatever it is. If you have your juicy, fun stories, we want to help you out with it and we want you to share it with the world. Everyone is anonymous. Fake name,

real age, as we always say to every caller. And when you write in, include your age, please. Yeah. For context. It's helpful. We'd love to know. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Therapy is important. Whoever you are, whatever your problems are, you could all benefit from just talking to someone, getting things off your chest, dealing with whatever trauma that you've experienced. Well, therapy can help you solve all those problems. And additionally, you might get stressed about work or money issues or relationship issues. It doesn't matter.

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Many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. ZocDoc dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. We have a great week lined up for you. Get excited. It's going to be wild, wacky, and fun. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's get to our callers. How's it going? I'm good. How are you

doing? Good. What's your name? My name is Hannah and I'm 26 years old. How can we help Hannah? I'm currently in a great loving relationship, but lately I've been missing my old sex life with my ex. Tell me more. Yeah so well my current partner we've been together for a year and a half. We live together and honestly I love everything about our relationship. He's everything and more I could have asked for in a partner but lately I've been feeling for the past couple months like our sex life has been lacking as in we don't have sex as much as I would like. And when we do have sex, it feels a little, a little too short. Like there's not, it's not long enough for me to fully enjoy. Okay. And when you say not long enough is that he is climaxing, uh, before your needs are met and he is not going out of his way to make sure he's not climaxing before those needs are met? No, I wouldn't say that. So he does like to ensure

that my needs are met and they're met maybe 60% of the time perhaps, but it's more so lacking the foreplay and it feels like it goes from zero to penetration really quickly. And I would like a little bit. I'd like to slow it down a bit more. But when you say he goes out of his way to make sure your needs are met, what do you mean? Because most women don't orgasm from penetrative sex. There's that. And regardless of what he thinks he is doing, he's clearly not doing what you've, I mean, I've known you for about 30 seconds and I already know that you want more foreplay in your relationship. And that's not hard to incorporate.

And so I guess I'm looking to have a further, more larger conversation with him because I feel like when we had a conversation about it before, he was a little bit lax about it. Like, I don't think he actually took me seriously enough. Maybe if you try to tell him you miss fucking your ex. Yeah, I might avoid that. And so as far as, you know, the ex goes, is it really about him? No, I wouldn't say it's about the person at all. I did say my ex for... Dramatic effect? Yeah.

Simplistic reasons, but he's more of an ex-situationship. So we never had a full-on relationship, but we really did have a physical connection for about two years. So it's not necessarily about him as a person, because I never had him as a person because I never had him as a partner, but in the bedroom when we had time together, it was great. Yeah, it was really great. And it just worked out really nicely. And I miss those aspects of the sex I was having then. And I want to be able to implement it in my relationship now.

So how did you approach it the first time when you were when you were focused on being gentle? Well, first, I suggested that maybe we carve out more time for each other because the weeks kind of can come and go. And since we live together and we see each other a lot and the weekends seem to go by so quickly, it's hard to carve out time with each other. So I tried to approach it from that way like i want us to really think about slowing down and having just time for us in that way and when i brought up foreplay he said i'll definitely do whatever you need me to do but for him personally he said he doesn't need a lot of foreplay and then that doesn't matter as much to him in the history of man like no shit like yeah duh congratulations you're a dude what like i just feel like that's the equivalent of you saying hey babe it's my time

of the month i need you to go to the store and get me some more pads and him going i'm more of a tampon guy myself like He doesn't get a say. Yeah. I mean, honestly, foreplay is not that much to ask for. It feels like it should kind of be the baseline. It also tells me that he doesn't enjoy you enjoying yourself. Right. Yes. And that's actually an aspect that my ex was very assertive and confident and made me feel very confident in the bedroom. And I could tell that he got pleasure out of my pleasure.

And it just made it very fun for both of us. I definitely think it's always like, you know, maybe it's like something you should never do, but it's certainly a last resort. and something you should never do, but it's certainly a last resort. It's weird because you never want to like a masculine guy or, you know, compare them, you know, or just in relationships, you don't want to, but he's asking for it. That's for sure.

But have you communicated that? I think it would be fair to say, I don't feel like you get any enjoyment out of my enjoyment. Have you ever said that? I haven't said that specifically, no. I think that would be more than fair. Okay. I don't feel like you get enjoyment out of my enjoyment. Have you ever said that? I haven't said that specifically. No. I think that would be more than fair. Okay. I don't feel like you get enjoyment out of my enjoyment. And if he goes, well, what do you mean? Of course I do. And you can remind him and say,

well, babe, when I talked about I liking foreplay, I mean, yeah, you said you'd do whatever you wanted me to do, but you felt it was necessary to tell me that you wouldn't enjoy it so how am i supposed to take that yeah it doesn't really make me feel very desired some guys are yeah maybe some guys are assholes but like what a guy be like you know you want to slit my dick and if he was this and if a girl was like i just fucking hate, there's nothing to disgust me more than just swallowing a cock. Maybe some guys wouldn't care, but some guys might feel kind of shitty. It's just like, you don't want to make your partner endure sex with you. I asked for a simple ask, which is to have more foreplay.

And you made it about you. Literally. It wasn't about you. I was literally telling you what I need because clearly you have no problem getting off. Congratulations. Also, you're welcome. But read between the lines, buddy. I think so.

That conversation was like two weeks ago. And I think that we need to. Yeah. Before I said those words exactly, maybe like a month or two ago I brought up really wanting to carve out time and sometimes when I kind of hint at you know oh maybe Friday night maybe Saturday maybe on the weekend we can carve out some time and it's kind of like a we'll see sort of situation kind of like he could do with or could do without. And so for me, it feels like it's not really a priority for him. Yeah. I think you need to be a little less gentle and a little

more direct. Don't be mean. Yeah. You know, no jabs. You don't want to bring up the exes. You know, you don't need to tell him he's bad in bed. You just point out, you have a lot of, you have a lot of ammunition. You just sit down and say, hey, babe, can we revisit the conversation we had a couple weeks ago? The good news is it's relatively a recent conversation. If I'm being honest, I was kind of like bothered by how that conversation went. And I'm like, well, what do you mean, babe? It's just like, well, I was coming to you about my needs not being met in the bedroom. I think you say that.

Okay. Point blank, your needs are not being met. Don't say you're not meeting my needs. Let him interpret it the only way he should interpret it. Okay. But you're just simply saying that your needs aren't being met. It's just a statement of fact.

You're not accusing him of anything. You're just pointing it out. Yeah. And as a solution, I provided you a very simple one, which is I really enjoy foreplay. And while, great, you acknowledge that you were willing to do that, you made my request about you by immediately telling me how you get nothing out of it. And quite honestly, I wasn't asking, but your response made me feel like my pleasure isn't

a priority for you or you don't get any enjoyment out of my enjoyment. And that honestly doesn't make me feel sexy or desired. And I like feeling sexy and desired. And I like feeling like my partner enjoys getting me off or pleasuring me. Like I'm not just here to get you to climax. Like you coming is not me getting off. Yeah. I hope that's okay for me to ask but like do you really want me to feel constantly unsatisfied i don't want foreplay with me to feel like a chore for you and it you certainly made me feel that way right like it was some big ask it's like okay fine i'll do it but just so you know i fucking hate it the fuck he's treating you like brussels sprouts when you're a fucking dessert thank you exactly it's just like well i eat my vegetables because i know i mean it's good for me but just so you know i gotta gag it down yeah yeah i kind of i feel like

i need a little bit more oomph or excitement on his end like that he's looking forward to everything that like everything in the bedroom with me as well, and that it isn't a chore. He did frame it as, you know, I don't really need as much foreplay, but I'm willing to do it for you. Literally not about you, dude. Yeah. Literally not about you.

And I think it's fun for everybody. I mean, if he doesn't necessarily need that to kind of get him started, I'm envious of that, i do need that again he's a guy yeah it's just like congratulations he repeated back what he learned in the eighth grade what what's the you know women need to be like as a pre they in the the oven analogy you know that you learn in like high school you gotta preheat it you know you never had someone like some old like you know teacher and like talking about preheating the oven you know like definitely not men are more of a microwave and women are you

know more of like an oven kind of thing i didn't learn that in good analogy but it's a good analogy anyway it's a common knowledge that men don't require foreplay to get erect. Yeah, definitely. So thank you for pointing out basic science to you. I think it's hard for us to also find a time that works for both of us because I go to bed fairly early and he is much more of a night owl. So he will stay up like till two sort of thing.

So he might be looking to have sex at like midnight but by that point i'm already i've already fallen asleep on the couch type of thing oh i mean i don't know make it a priority yeah these are all valid concerns and you have a right to say it and i just think um we just have to be more willing to critique men when it comes to the bedroom at the risk of offending their fragile male egos type of thing. Right. Yes. They're never going to get better unless we raise the expectations for them. Don't be cruel, but be direct. You don't be cruel, but be direct.

Men don't deserve the assumption of being good at sex just so that their egos aren't bruised. Right. They actually have to put in the work or the effort. They have to want to get better. Like anything else in this world, things take practice. They don't just show up, watch some porno and become sort of some sort of Casanova. Yeah. And when it comes to sex, they have to be willing to meet the needs of their partners and they have to go out of their way and they have to ask questions and they have to recognize

that women are made differently than men and that, you know, they have to give a shit. And I've just always believed that when it comes to being good and bad or however you want to call it, at the end of the day, you simply just have to give a shit. The problem is not enough people do, especially men, because it is so easy for them to,

and that is always the case because men can struggle with being in their head and things like that, but they are less delicate when it comes to revving up the engine, so to speak. Right. I would agree.

You have the right to be more direct. Yeah. I'm curious what your thought is. Let's say, because I've definitely in past situationships, relationships, have definitely tried to navigate a mismatch of sexual desire yeah or like just kind of like sexuality as a person and I'm curious like what your perspective is like let's say this guy's like okay copy see that I made the foreplay thing about me and is like when sex happens is a lot more like generous and attentive about it like

in a like clearly like listening to you but is maybe not initiating it or feeling the same level of like passion like there's just a like you're the person in the relationship who still is feeling like oh like i feels more excited about sex and we're drawn to sex within the relationship like what do you think about those kind of situations because i've sometimes like found in having conversations about it you can kind of like fix the behavior but there's an overall mentality surrounding it where there can still be like some discrepancies yeah i mean as far as like the fact that he's a night owl and you're not i mean at the end of the day you guys are just gonna have to figure out and make sure that sex is a priority in your relationship and

carve out the time i mean he's not 18 anymore and you know he maybe he's just like you know too tired for sex and it's you know it is more easy to masturbate you know like just is you know, he maybe he's just like, you know, too tired for sex. And it's, you know, it is more easy to masturbate, you know, like. Just is, you know, but he's in a relationship with you. And if you're in a relationship, you have to just you have to give a shit about meeting your partner's needs. You both do. Right. And so you're gonna have to have some compromise. The good news is you're talking about sex. So it shouldn't be that much of a chore for either of you to like carve out some time, some afternoon delight.

I don't know, maybe every once in a while, you stay up a little bit later than you used to and bang one out, or maybe he wakes up a little earlier or you are a little bit more spontaneous, you know? Like it shouldn't be that hard. And if it is, then, you know, maybe you guys have to have a tough conversation about, you know, compatibility in terms, you know, because sex isn't everything and yeah it fades and things like

that but you guys are in the prime of your life and so like you know yeah sex fades but that's what getting old is all about like get your sex in while you can kind of thing um but the more immediate needs is that regardless of not having sex, being on the same page of when you have sex is that when you do, it's still not that great for you. And as it doesn't seem like all much of a priority for it to be. Yeah. I feel like the mention of passion, I feel like I definitely bring a little bit more of that to the bedroom because it is important to me and i want it to be this very

sensual connected experience between the two of us and from his end i just don't feel that same kind of energy coming off of him as well also fair to say i mean again as far as the situationship acts it would be unfair to compare just because like so much of a situationship is sexual and it's elevated because you're not meeting each other's emotional needs and you really only meet up to have sex so there's like passion built into this whole thing and part of being in a relationship is to have that comfort and that peace of mind that you don't constantly have to like worry about having sex and chase sex it's you know but like you also have to work to keep,

you know, you have to make an investment to keep things spicy, to keep things passionate. Like passion doesn't just stick around for no reason. Couples have to go out of their way and try new things and, and try to connect and try to bring romance and passion in the relationship. It doesn't just always magically happen. So I wouldn't necessarily freak out that it's not happening.

You just have to communicate and you have to see if he gives a shit. Definitely. And then if he says, babe, I don't know, it's just like, I'm just not a sexy guy. I'm satisfied and I honestly don't feel like making more of an effort. Well, then you're going to have to assess

whether this is really your guy. Right. I feel hopeful that he will be reflective of this conversation that I will bring forth to him as long as I'm direct, as you said. So I'm hopeful that he, he will understand where I'm coming from and take me a little bit more seriously.

Best case scenario. He's just another dumb guy who had a really stupid response to you bringing that up. Right. And he wouldn't be the first or the last guy to say something stupid. Fair enough. But you have the right to acknowledge the stupidity. Don't call him stupid.

No. But yeah. Okay. And in terms of like living together and seeing each other very often, and like you said, with the situationship, it's, you don't see each other as much. So there's like a buildup and you're excited to see them and all those sorts of things. How do you keep that same passion and excitement when you are so close with your partner and you live with them and you see them all the time?

Well, if it doesn't come naturally, you talk about it, you know, throwing some lingerie mirrors, photographs, nudes, sexy talk, you know, um, talk about each other's fantasies yeah role play you know they they all work okay they're not for everyone but some of them are for some people you know you just watch porn together i don't know there's a bunch of different things that you know uh and focus on being connected like i've said in a couple of you know there's have make love without having sex caressress each other's skin, you know, again, but it's okay to say, babe, I want more passion. I want more romance and I want more passion. And I'd love to work with you together and finding ways we can do that. What are some of your fantasies? I'd love to meet some. Is it okay for me to share some of mine with yours? Do you like lingerie? I'd love to get you some, you know? Would you like to buy me some lingerie

or would you like me to go buy myself some lingerie for you? Right. Maybe you like, maybe you send him a nude, you know, and like surprise him with one. Or maybe you guys like go out on a double date and, you know, he's just like, he goes, tells you to go to the bathroom and send him a nude under the table.

I don't know, like something kinky or, you know, kinky. Something geeky. But, you know, so like, yeah, you just, you have to communicate about this stuff and you have to talk openly about it and you have to be willing to meet each other's needs. Yeah. I definitely think, I love all of those ideas and those are things that we haven't explored or tried yet. So I feel like talking about it and from that aspect, trying to have fun with it too, you know? Yeah. Keep it kinky and keep it fun and try some of those things out. I would love to do that. Yeah. You just need to communicate and talk about it with a little bit more. And when he responds in the way that you find disappointing, it's okay for you to acknowledge that. Be like, well, I kind of hated that answer. Right. Or, and just encourage him to be like well i kind of hated that answer right or and just encourage me like

well can like no i it seems like you're not even like willing to talk with me about it you know like this is a prayer for me is it not a priority for you i hope so yeah yeah i hope so i'd like him to be more present as well as i mentioned before when we are actually in the bedroom i'm hopeful that it'll go that it'll go well we just have to actually sit down and have that have that conversation yeah i mean listen it's normal for a guy to get defensive and like whatever but at the end of the day he should be mature enough to acknowledge that like yeah i haven't been doing these things these are all easy fixes on his part. Minimal effort on his part. You know, you're not asking for the world.

Just for a little bit more. Well, thank you. All right. Keep us posted. I will, for sure. All right. Thank you so much. All right.

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See, reality ain't so bad. Embrace reality. Paramount Plus. Stream now. How's it going? Good. My name is Allison. I'm 25 and my ex turned situationship recently.

He just cut me out of his life and I'm just kind of trying to understand where everything went wrong. All right. Why don't you kind of just break it down for us? Who broke up with who? Why did you break up? And then what caused the reconnection let's start there so i technically broke up with him um he had come why do you say technically because so basically he

came home with me for christmas and okay i had found out we were having like some issues, but we were still very much together. And then I found out behind my back, he was talking to other grad students and was planning to move out and didn't tell me that. So I found out that he had done that. And he was like, oh, I haven't decided anything yet. I don't know if I'm going to move out. I don't know if I still want to be together. And then I was like, well, I'll decide that. I don't want to be with you. So basically how it went. Okay, good for you. Yeah. And then how did he work himself back into your life?

So I was in a very vulnerable position because we had a close friend group in the department. It's a very small department. And that kind of fell apart in the fall. So he was like the only person I had to talk to. And he went home for the rest of winter break. We didn't really talk. He came back. And we both decided like, you know, we want to work on it. We want to stay friends. back and we both decided like you know we want to work on it we want to stay friends and i if i had like other friends i probably wouldn't have done that or would have been less likely to but because he was like the one person i had in this like city i didn't have any other friends i was like he's so important to me like let's try and work on it let's stay friends so we put a lot of work into kind of getting over the past becoming friends again um and then you know when you say we we when you say we put a lot of work

into getting over the past what do you mean there was definitely like a lot of pain i felt very betrayed that he was kind of planning you you know, move out behind my back, got other people involved that we had to be close to, you know, in grad school there in the department. I had to see them. I didn't agree to them knowing details about my relationship. And just like, you know, fighting and everything and struggles in the relationship. Like we talked a lot about that and tried to like heal those things so that we could have a healthy friendship but i'm hearing that at the end of the day while i'm sure there were feelings and i'm sure you cared about him it was the best of a bad situation in a sense you know you you basically

relied on the comfortability and rapport that you had with him while dating with him to help you navigate this other vulnerable position where you felt like you were kind of lonely and without friends. And he just happened to be there as a support system. Yeah. It was kind of like a necessary. It served a purpose. You used each other. And I don't say, I'm not trying to say the word,

like I'm not trying to mean that in a bad way. And by your own acknowledgement, you know, looking back, you know, objectively with the situation, you kind of alluded or said that like, you know,

if you had other options, you might've taken those other options. But you did it. So he, you know, worked. or that you're stuck with this kind of one bad option, it was probably easier to convince yourself that maybe this was a relationship that could be fixed. Yeah, I definitely have a hard time letting go. And I'm kind of pro stay friends with exes because I'm like, you build a connection with them.

They obviously were important. So I've always tried to stay friends with an ex unless it like ended terribly and I don't want them in my life. But I mean, doesn't this kind of end terribly? Yeah. What's your definition of ending terribly? I guess if he had like cheated on me, like, I don't know. It was like right at the end where it was like that lie really turned everything upside down. Because until then, it was just like your typical relationship problems.

I mean, again, cheating, you know, I guess everyone might have different definitions, but like he certainly betrayed your trust. different definitions but like he certainly betrayed your trust and when it comes to cheating at the end of the day more than anything it's a violation of it's a betrayal of trust so he might not have put his dick in anyone but do you really feel like that feeling would have been much worse i mean i can't imagine like planning a life of someone or having one expectation only to find out that they're going behind your back and you know talking with other people and considering leaving you and then catching him in that act i mean that's that must have been a terrible feeling to feel yeah and you know while he technically may not have cheated on you i can't imagine finding out he fucked someone else only to be like i'm so sorry babe like would have been

any worse i don't know i mean up for debate but i think we could i think it's a fair to say that it's possible that the feelings were similarly bad yeah it definitely having to like because we're essentially colleagues you know like we have to see each other in class we work together so it's like well if i have to face not only these other people in the department who already kind of turned their back on me. And he kind of took advantage of that and made them hate me even more because he like... So was he the catalyst for these other people turning their back on you?

No, our friend group fell apart in the fall. And it wasn't like final or anything. It was like, you know, we had a falling out and they just were like taking a breather. But him going to them behind my back and talking about our relationship you know whether it was conscious or not but like he knew that they already had some negative opinions of me so it wasn't easy to turn them against me even more sure yeah that's a shitty feeling yeah and you should have known better

yeah especially again because these people are like we work with them like he could have gone to outside people for support because he has that he didn't have to tell them but he lied even more because when he got back from like when we were with my family and everything i didn't know that they were waiting outside and he was like gonna stay somewhere else for the night. And they thought that I was stopping him from moving out because he was planning on moving out that night. And I didn't know that. So they ambushed me and they're like, why aren't you letting him leave? And I'm like, I didn't even know he was moving out, but they just already were shaped on... That's how you found out?

Yeah. Well, I knew he was possibly planning to like the end of the month. He told me the 31st, but this was the 28th. And they were like, he told us to help him move out tonight. And like, that's how I found out. And so you reconnected. Then you, did you, did you guys get romantically involved again? Yeah. So we got back to a really good place and like obviously there was a lot of pain involved but i was trying to move past it because i did care about him a lot and i'm the one who brought up um that i still had feelings and i thought that like a lot of our issues in the relationship were kind of outside factors or I at least felt like that at the time so he kind of thought about

it and he was like yeah I still have feelings for you too I want to try something again but I want it to be casual I'm not really sure how he was using that word because we were still agreeing to be exclusive but I think he didn't want to have to be held to the same obligation he would be if he were fully my boyfriend what did you say to that I I understood I was like yeah like you know let's take it slow kind of like baby steps I made it clear that I didn't want us seeking out other people to date i was like i'm not interested in that and he's like oh it's the last thing on my mind kind of thing but like he wasn't being very responsive as like available to me as i would have liked but i couldn't fully hold him accountable because like oh well i'm not

your boyfriend so if he doesn't text me back for six hours i can't really get mad you can get however you want but do you feel like if you're going to get back together with someone, especially if you were very much justified for your reasons to leave, do you think those two people should put in more effort or less effort than they did when they were first in the relationship? I guess ultimately, like it should be more and that the things that I was upset about originally in the relationship were things that I had wanted to be improved then. So of course I'd want them to be improved now, but I guess I was just trying to be patient with him because I also felt bad for where I went wrong in the relationship.

And so I was like, I don't know, convincing myself that I owed that to him, I guess. Where did you go wrong? I struggle a lot with anxiety and my depression got really bad in the fall. And because we were living together, we're in the same classes together like we literally were never not around each other that sometimes i would kind of channel my my anxiety or my anger at him and take it out on him when i shouldn't have done that and i felt really bad about that so i tried to make that known to him what did he say to that he said that he forgave me for all of that and so i was trying to return the favor because i did feel bad for not being the best partner at times so i was like well

if i have things to apologize for and so does he then like we can both move past that like there's not one like villain in the situation basically and then how did you get to the point where he and then he just disappeared one day like little things here and there that maybe felt a little bit off but we you know we're hanging out multiple times a week we're back to like kind of our fundamental connection where i felt really comfortable with him we talk for hours like it's just a really great like friendship in general and he had to go home for two weeks for a bachelor party and a wedding. He comes back and sends me this whole long text about,

I need to spend the month of April alone. He said, my therapist told me to ignore everybody else and just shut myself in my apartment and work on my thesis. And he was going somewhere for his PhD program this fall that he knew I wouldn't go. So he was like, we're not going to be around each other. We're going to be moving on with our lives. So like, I'll look back on the memories fondly. Thanks. When you said his therapist told him to cut everything out and work on his thesis, the first thought that came to mind is whatever he's telling his therapist about you is so casual that his therapist had no problem lumping you in with everyone else that he deemed to be a distraction yeah because there i i doubt very much any therapist would say if he was like hey listen there's this girl i really care about

we've had some struggles but like you but she's really important to me, and that's a priority for me. I want to make that work. She's a special person, and we've had some problems. I certainly have made my mistakes. She struggles with depression. She's recognized that. She's taken accountability, but there's a lot there.

I doubt very much a therapist would have told them to just ignore you any good therapist would isn't there to like tell someone what to do they're like and kind of guide them down the path so he might say hey you know i'm really struggling with school and i got this thesis statement and i just have all these distractions therapists be like well what do you really prioritize like well i really care about school this is really important to me it's like there's anything else you know i got going on he's like well and everything else honestly is i got this girl i've dealing with and honestly it's a lot of this and they got this friend situation and he probably positioned it as a way where to according to the therapist he was like i don't know this all sounds messy but what you do know

what you want to do is finish school so focus focus on that and let the, you know, everything else set, settle. So as hard as it might be to hear, I think it's, you know, when you're trying to make sense of things that don't make sense, you have to,

you have to pick up those, those clues that they, they give you. And for him to say that, I think we have to, you know, you have to acknowledge what that means.'s probably telling his therapist, which is not positioning you as someone that's a big priority to him, which is also kind of evident based on what he's saying. And it's also the part of him being like, well, you admitted you have feelings and I got feelings too, but also I want to take it slow.

It was like a reluctant agreement to give it another shot on his part. And listen, I think as you've heard me say, if you listen to the show, when a relationship ends, it always ends for a reason. Very few people break up unnecessarily. I mean, yeah, some people might quit too soon, but there's still a reason why they felt in that moment that this relationship wasn't for them. Their needs weren't being met. They realized they couldn't prioritize it the way they should or, you know, whatever the reason, but there was a reason. Yeah. And so for people who want to get back together and make it work, it takes even more work. If you're not willing to say, oh oh if we're going to do this we have to

make sure that each of us wants to make the other person a priority and we have to carve out time to have conversations around what didn't work and how things are going to be different going forward because to simply just acknowledge hey i still have feelings for you all you're really kind of saying is i haven't fully processed the loss of our breakup yeah it's not necessarily it doesn't necessarily mean we should be together because you know when you lose something special to you even if it was toxic or unhealthy or you felt betrayed feelings don't immediately go away and often when we're we break up with someone those feelings are in heightened because we're losing it. And so then we glorify it and things like that. And so to say you still have feelings, I think we misinterpret that often as a reason to fight for something rather than

just acknowledge maybe we just haven't fully processed that feeling or that loss that we felt. Yeah. I think it was really hard for me to try and understand if it was us that was the problem or other things because at the time when we started dating, I was in a situation where I was still living with my ex. He moved in to get me out of that situation and we moved in together way too soon. So in my head, I'm like, that was a mistake. I think that's what the problem was rather than the relationship itself. So that's why I was like, hey, I think we should give it another try because I don't really feel like it was our fault that things went so badly because it was just all these other circumstances that set up the perfect storm, I guess. Yeah, there might be some truth to that, but it doesn't

take away from the fact if you are going to give it another shot, you still have to both mutually be wanting to like really make it a priority to work on things, you know, because even if moving in too quickly was a catalyst for a lot of conflict that you guys experienced, you still weren't able to work through that conflict in a productive way that allowed you both to stay connected or to keep the love and the passion going. You could argue that moving in together just brought conflict quicker than it otherwise would have because all relationships eventually face some conflict. And then you found out sooner rather than later that you two aren't exactly good at conflict resolution as a couple. Yeah. Either way, if you got back together, my point still stands that you two were going to have to figure out how to resolve

conflict in a way that allowed you to still stay connected while working through conflict. He doesn't seem to be even willing to do that. No. He's just more like, you know, the whole like, yeah, we can try, but I want to keep it casual is like a classic, like having you around at my convenience is better than not having you around. And you felt that, right? You felt that kind of like he didn't really want the same expectations. So it's like, hey, we get to have sex or we get to go to movies. But to your point, he always had the out of being like, are you too busy or too preoccupied or I have this trip I have to go to. And also, I don't need to invite you because you're not my girlfriend,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And that's not a recipe for being happy. I just wonder what the point of getting involved again was, because I definitely am learning now that he lied a lot more than I realized. The moving out thing, it was like, okay, that was a big lie. But he was saying, I need to spend the month of April alone because I need to focus on this. But the one person who he went behind my back to talk to who... She's not in the department. She's an undergrad that was kind of a part of our friend group, but he still maintained a friendship with her.

And when I went to class the one day after he had cut me off, she was there and they were sitting together and giggling and she's not even in the class. And it's like, he knew like throwing that in my face would hurt. And when I confronted him about it over text, he's like, I can spend my time with who I want. Like that's none of your business. And it's like, that's not the problem. The problem is like the lie of I need to spend this month alone. But really what he meant is I don't want to spend any more time with you. Correct. Yeah. So you don't trust him.

You don't think he's emotionally mature or willing to have tough conversations when he feels awkward or unsure of how to communicate something or afraid he's going to hurt your feelings. He chooses to stretch to the truth or just flat out yeah i guess i'm just want to challenge you instead of feeling confused as to why he decides to do what he decides to do i think you kind of have an answer which is i don't know maybe he's just not capable of being the partner that I need and deserve. And that's why he's doing what he's doing. Because he's a bit of a liar. Or he's immature.

Or he lacks character. Or he's selfish. All of those sounds like they might apply. But that's your answer. And I think maybe instead of wasting your energy, wondering, you know, why he did what he did or making sense of anything, because, you know, a lot of your brain is, well, it just doesn't make sense why he would. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't make sense. I agree with you. But often in these situations, things don't make sense. And then we spend all

this energy trying to make sense of something that we just have to acknowledge doesn't make sense because unfortunately people do lie or unfortunately people do get caught up in the moment or they're afraid to have an awkward conversation because saying, sure, I have feelings for you too. Let's try, but I want something more casual is a lot easier than, can I be honest? I just don't feel the same way about you as I used to, but I don't really want to completely lose you because I've really enjoyed the time that we have spent when you gave me your time and you helped me through this and I've helped you through that. So I really don't want to lose that, but I really don't want to give you any more of that because honestly, I'd rather hang out with girls and I'd rather travel.

He doesn't want to say that because he knows you wouldn't accept that. Right. So he tells you just enough to make you satisfied and hopes that you're not smart enough or intuitive enough or that you're not brave enough to enforce a boundary that you know deep down is not being honored. It was very easy to take advantage of me in the situation because i that's what i would tell him is i would tell him that like my biggest fear was that he would kind of abandon me like other people in the department if you turn your back on me like i'm gonna be in this place like completely alone and have to sit in class and like look at all these people who hate me so So what was the fallout with these other people?

Like, is that a situation that can be mended? I've talked to a couple of them recently. The one girl, she is kind of like, I'm sick of all the drama, but she told me, she was like, oh, I just want to let you know, I've taken everything I've heard recently with a grain of salt. So I know that he's still talking about

me and spreading gossip in the department. And that's the biggest thing that makes me angry at this point. I'm a very private person, especially with my relationship. So I don't know who knows what he's saying, but I hate that. I can't stop him from doing that. But he's still talking about me. I'm just like, why? Yeah, which sucks. I mean, there's no way of getting around that, but I think the best thing you can try to do is to not, you know, feed into the drama and I think, and, and, and accept that this is a guy who's, who's not your guy. Yeah.

And as hard as it might be knowing that you have to work with him and see him on a regular basis, cause that makes getting over someone just that much more difficult. Just accept the fact that while you still might have feelings, it doesn't make you crazy. It also doesn't make you in love with them. It just means that you haven't fully processed the feelings. And it's much difficult for you to do that because of the situation that you're in. But you can acknowledge that to yourself

all while not giving it too much credit. You can still simultaneously say, well, I still have feelings for the guy because whatever, you know, I've invested a lot and that just, my heart is my heart, but I know he's not right for me. I know that this relationship has impacted my school it has impacted other relationship i have uh gotten caught up in drama that's you know giving me a bad reputation or you know despite being a private person it's allowed people to make assumptions and judgments of me that i'm just like this drama filled person who's constantly projecting her relationship life into the classroom or whatever they're fucking saying. I don't know. But I think the more you can just buckle down and focus on school and ignore

him. And if he tries to reach out, just politely say, Hey, listen, I've accepted that we're not right for each other. And I would just appreciate if you could just respect my space and, you know,

we can be amicable. And as far as like being friends with exes, I think you got to stop that. You know, I've had plenty of conversations about this with Amanda. It's like, I don't, I don't know why people give themselves so much credit for being the person who gets to be friends with all their exes. Like, that's not the same as i don't talk shit about my exes you know like no you know you don't want to be a person who's just like every ex they have they're just constantly talking shit about but like you don't have to

be that person and you also don't have to be besties with them like there's no medal you know as i often say in a lot of typical topics there there's no medals awarded. No one cares. That doesn't make you a better person. It doesn't make you more emotionally mature. It makes you, I don't know, it's a little egotistical, honestly. You know, like we're not made to become platonic friends with our ex-romantic partners. That's just not, we're not programmed for that. To provide another explanation that is still a condemnation of the practice that I do engage in.

Like, I think something my therapist said that really resonated was she was like, I think you're kind of using this as a means of trying to like forego a goodbye. And like, it's like, oh yeah, there's a goodbye to this relationship but like it doesn't it doesn't have to be a full goodbye like I can retain like some of the things that I genuinely love about this person and that don't feel like they're exclusive to romantic connections and I can like honor the fact that this has been a significant person for me and like continue to have them in my life and feel like this thing I built might look different but it's still there and I think kind of framing it as like foregoing a goodbye helps me be really

honest about where my motives like because i think there's a million reasons to do it it can be an ego thing like sure it feels yeah it's not exclusively ego but it is a little ego of priding yourself and being the person who can be friends with their exes but yeah i think there's a lot more truth than what amanda just said that at the end of the day it's more like not really wanting to say goodbye it's still having access to the person that you haven't totally let go of the hope because even though a relationship doesn't work out, you know, it's people aren't, you know, all good or all bad, you know, like you can realize a relationship's not for you and be like, you know, I'm really going to fucking miss their jokes or I'm really going to miss the sex or I'm

really going to miss their company or they were so good at listening when I was having problems with other people. Like, it's not like you just decide that you hate everything about them. You know, leaving a relationship is sometimes realizing that like at the end of the day, as good as it is, I know deep down I deserve better. I know deep down that my emotional needs aren't being met. I spend more time being frustrated and confused rather than happy and content. And despite the moments where even though I'm frustrated and confused, where we have in a seven-day period, we have two great days and five bad ones. Well, you're going to miss those two great days a week. That doesn't mean they should be in your life. And I think it's just getting better at accepting that and

then protecting yourself going forward to figure out how to protect your mental health, especially given your situation. Because sometimes we work with these people or we have mutual friends or we're stuck living with them for a period of time, or maybe they live in our apartment building or whatever it is. Sometimes it's not as easy as just having a clean you know you know breakup yeah that's what hurts me more in this situation more than losing the relationship is losing the friendship because like we did have such a good bond and like we're we're graduating and i know that we're both going to different phd programs so for me it was like, it's hard not to take it personally, because it's like, why not just like end on good terms that we don't need to talk every day. But like, to me, the relationship meant enough that like, I would

still like him to be in my life in some capacity. And then so for me, on my side, I'm like, like, why is it easy? Like, why don't you care about me enough to want me in your life even a little bit when that's what he said all the time so I know I shouldn't take it personally and I hear that a lot like my therapist like it's not about you but like that's where my mind goes I'm like oh what's wrong with me like I want it

it's under it's understandable but it is I think a bit you know it's it's more your ego leading rather than what's really right yeah it's more common than not but the idea that we evaluate the meaning of a relationship by people's ability to like retain some sort of relationship after it ended is kind of silly you know and clearly you're an intelligent person. You're on your way to get your PhD

and probably something really impressive. But like as a logical, analytical person, that doesn't add up. You know what I'm saying? Like it was meaningful because you had a relationship and you decided to end it for whatever reason. It meant something then. If I were to sit there and stress about making sure

that all my exes still burn some sort of flame for me so that I could feel like I didn't waste my time investing, in some cases, years with them, because if they don't, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, holy shit. That'd be exhausting. It means something because hopefully you learn something from this. You're going to have some memories, both good and bad. Your good memories, you'll be able to cherish and you'll probably learn something from that, something that you want to bring into a future relationship.

Your bad memories will certainly be reminders of things that you don't want to bring into your next relationship, you know? And so the meaning behind these relationships is hopefully what you learn from it. You know, every relationship that ends serves a purpose for a next relationship, hopefully, you know? And that's the value. That's the meaning behind that going forward. I mean, the sentimentalness of it is like, who gives a shit, you know? And the longer, the more, the further you get away from these relationships, the less you care about what it means.

But it's so fresh right now, right? And it's raw. And so it totally makes sense why right now it's important to you for it to mean something because you don't want to feel like it was all a waste. But it meaning something isn't what makes it not a waste. It's your ability to learn something from this experience. And if you don't learn something, then potentially it's a waste. If you're so stubborn that you're not

going to reflect about what you can change or what you want to grow or things like that, that you just get into another relationship and made the same mistakes and, you know, go about the same way. Well, maybe that was a waste because, you know, what was the point of all that if you didn't learn something from it? I do think I learned a lot, but it's definitely that letting go part that's really difficult for me because I'm always trying to salvage the connection of like, if we connect with people in life, like, why not maintain that or, you know, cherish that? Because it is hard for me to connect with people. So other people, even if it's not a commentary on me and like me not being enough, I guess I'm part of me is

jealous of the ability to just cut ties because like, I've never been able to do that. Yeah. I mean, and again, something to continue to work with your therapist, but you know, the feeling of not being enough is a very common one. You know, I have to work with that feeling when it comes to me and my therapist. But if it is hard for you to connect with people, stop wasting so much energy on is not infinite. It's finite. And so this energy you're investing in him is energy you could be investing in school or other people, you know, making friends. And like, just because, you know, maybe you're more introverted or analytical, or you feel like you could be awkward around people socially. There's a lot of us. That's okay. You're not going to be the most popular person at a party. Neither am I, you know, but you can still connect with people and that does take more energy for you. So protect that energy that you have.

And whether it's friendships or romantic relationships, make sure that you are investing in things that have a chance to blossom rather than things that you know are already dead. Right now, you're watering a plant that's totally dead. And you're kind of stubbornly refusing to accept that no amount of water or sunshine is going to bring this dead plant back to life. And you want to see it as more like as a wilting plant rather than a dead plant. But start watering other plants. Yeah. In my head, I definitely was like, like subconsciously, well, I'd rather hold on to this because the idea of having to start over again is like exhausting and terrifying. And I don't want to have to do it. But that's life. intellectualize and get to a place where I feel better and I feel okay about actions. And I'm like, I'll work through this in my brain and then I'll be able to act accordingly. And sometimes it

can be really like empowering and surprising if you're just like, I fucking hate this and I'm still doing it. And just having that mindset and going through it, like seeing how far I can get myself has definitely surprised me. So you might like try that for yourself. Yeah, definitely. Like I'm, you know, I'm going to be moving to a new big city and starting a PhD program. So I know I'm like, this is perfect. It's a fresh start. But then it's like, I'm not going to know anybody. I have to start from scratch again. It is terrifying, but I know that it's best case scenario that I'm getting out of here soon and getting away from this area. How old are you? 25. you this how old are you 25 yeah you're pretty young relatively young i may not feel that way but you are and again like you said you're starting a phd phd program so you you've made choices in your life that by kind of almost definition like some of the other things people start sooner in

life like settling down marriage kids whatever i don whatever, you know, if you want any of that. But regardless, you know, you're prioritizing, you're investing in yourself professionally. And that takes a lot of time. So don't waste time stressing out about some of these other things that, you know, are probably going to be a lot easier when you don't have the stresses of school and a PhD and things like that. of school and a PhD and, and things like that. And even if you were to stay, you know, dating this guy or, or make friends with some of these people that you've lost touch with, like you're going to, you're going to have to say goodbye to him most likely anyways, because like you said, you're moving. So instead of thinking that starting over is, uh, um, something that you're forced to do rather, why don't you just see it as like part of the plan? And right now you're forced to do. Rather, why don't you just see it as part of the plan?

And right now you're just allowing yourself to get caught up in unnecessary drama because you're having a hard time accepting that this relationship isn't right for you. Yeah. Because all the signs are pointing to that, right? And you know that. Yeah. I want to move move on but to look back at my time here and feel like a lot of it's tainted like it sucks like obviously a lot about the situation sucks and i i have to really shift my perspective to try and see like the future and going forward as opportunity and like potential rather than being upset about how my time here

went listen i i'm a big believer in that all experiences end up being relatively good unless we die. But the thing about good experiences, we're able to enjoy them immediately because they're good. And we're like, this feels good. And I want to embrace this and enjoy it and appreciate it right now. When it comes to experiences that feel bad in the moment, the shitty part is not only do they feel bad and we got to deal with however they're making us feel bad but well i strongly believe they're going to be eventually a good memory that takes time to fully appreciate it you know and right now you're just focused on the fact that like you know i didn't make a lot of

friends i had this kind of toxic relationship and I'm going to kind of leave this thing with nothing but a master's degree. Well, you came here for a master's degree. You're going to leave with a master's degree. So I would suggest that maybe you met all the necessary goals and the other stuff, while maybe it didn't go the exact way you want, I'm willing to bet in a few years, you're going to look back and think of that period is very formative and very beneficial. And in a place where you learned a lot, especially if you were willing to see it that way, as opposed to stubbornly seeing it as a failure because it,

it, you know, certain relationships didn't work out. So try to be a little bit more patient with kind of having perspective on situations. Yeah. I'm definitely very impatient, but I have hope for the future. I just need to get there and see it a little bit more. That's good.

Well, hope for the future is great. Hope for the present. Yeah. All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful. Congratulations on school. Try not to beat yourself up so much. Try not to find meaning in things when you already have the answers

and be willing to be patient to see bad experiences as positive ones in the future. I definitely appreciate talking to you guys. It was very helpful. All right. Well, good luck in school and please, we'd love an update in a few months of how things are progressing and how you utilize this information, whether it was helpful or hurtful. We're always here for an update. Yeah, of course. Thank you. All right. Take care. How's it going? It's good. What's your name? My name is Emma and I am 20. Okay. How can we help Emma? So I'm considering ending a friendship because my best friend is now dating a guy that I was once talking to amongst many other things. How long have you been friends with him? Probably 15 years, like my entire life that I can remember.

Your whole life. Wow. Okay. What are some of these other things that she has done? And then we'll get into the... So it mainly kind of started with her dating the guy that I was talking to. But after that kind of happened, I started to notice other things that she just really hasn't been that great of a friend to me overall. I feel like I can't really trust her as a friend. Our families are very close. Our moms are both best friends as well. So I feel like everything goes to her mom who then goes back to my mom. So sometimes when I just want that best friend relationship, I can't get it because I can't trust her. Have you spoken with her about any of this stuff?

Yes. So after I found out that she was dating the guy, I, you know, sat down and told her and it was a really, it was kind of a big argument for us. We don't really argue a ton. We like to, I don't know, we don't really argue, like we're really good friends. And it was kind of a big thing because I felt like she betrayed me and put the guy before me. And she was like, I'm so sorry. Like, I've cried about it. I've cried about it. But like, really nothing got done.

What exactly was going on with you and him? So we talked last summer for probably three months. We kind of just became friends. He got another girlfriend, whatever. And then kind of at the beginning of this year, we started talking again. Nothing was ever super serious. And then he was having a couple of friends over. I took my best friend over and we went over to his house. He dropped me right after that. So he immediately started flirting with her, dropped you and-

Yes. And then eventually they just got together yes she is now going to like his birthday was a couple weeks ago she went to his family birthday dinner with his grandparents and at any point did she sit you down and say babe super awkward sitch no i should also mention this she just got out of a five- five year long relationship two weeks before she went out with this guy. And she did not tell me that she got out of this five year long relationship. Oh, I mean that they're not telling you. To me that that's all kind of whatevs. Like her big crime here.

Is not coming to you. and having a tough conversation that is sometimes required in friendships i'm not trying to be harsh but just for simplicity like he wasn't that into you whatever you know what though there'll be a lot of guys you're not into there'll be other guys in the future that aren't into you eventually you'll find your person and you'll live happily ever after and before that time there'll be a bunch of these situations where it just the interest doesn't line up there will be guys that are more interested in you than your friend but in this particular situation a guy that you kind of saw and had a little bit of thing with ended up really crushing on your friend as soon as you met her. And whatever, they had chemistry, good for them. And they have a right to pursue that.

But as your friend, and certainly as your best friend, she owed you the straightforwardness to sit you down and say, hey, listen, I, I feel like I don't know what to do. I know that you had feelings for Ronnie, you know, but like after meeting him, I just, I really think there's something there and I don't want to sacrifice our friendship. It's a priority for me, but like, it would mean a lot to me if, if, if knowing that things didn't work out with you, if you would, if, if, you know, if I could have your blessing or if you would be okay with that. And I feel like that would have gone a long way for you because it would, it would make

you feel like she obviously cares about their friendship, that more than anything, she just wanted to talk with you about it. I mean, she may have ultimately, if you said, you know, fuck, you know, I refuse to allow you to date him. You know, she might've said, well i i don't know what to tell you like i really care about this guy and i really like him and who knows maybe he's the one and she could have said well i disagree but you know she didn't even we'll never know because she didn't do that the fact that she had a five year relationship in only two weeks you know listen yeah you might be like oh well she's just

you know you're trying to dismiss the connection by saying that and you might be right but it's kind of irrelevant because that's not her you know she has a right to break up their boyfriend for five years and she has a right to crush on a new guy two weeks later you know and if it was a different guy you probably you would have just been happy that your friend was happy you have a right to be upset for how she handled this situation. And then, you know, Oh babe,

I cried about it for two weeks. Well, cry all you want. Why didn't you come to me and just talk to me? You know, she showed a lack of respect, you know, you don't,

again, don't trust her. And also like, have you said to her, Hey, I know our moms are close, but like, as my friend,

you know, if I want to talk to my mom, I know our moms are close, but like as my friend, you know, if I want to talk to my mom, I'll talk to my mom. But I want to be able to trust you things because quite honestly, there's things I want to talk with you about that I don't want our moms to know. Absolutely. That was kind of another one of the big points that I made like in the big whole fight was like I told her that like, hey, like some things I want like just between us. I don't want like my mom knowing, like the moms knowing.

They don't need to know about that stuff. Like we're adults on our own. Like we should be able to have our own kind of thing outside of them too. And she kind of just dismissed everything and was like, I don't see what you're saying at all. Like I never tell my mom anything. And I was like, well, clearly you do. Because like there's been things that have happened, you you know and she kind of just dismissed it too well listen i think i'm not one for like firing friends you know this could be just something you guys need to work through there's two possibilities one you could just be growing

out outgrowing each other you know most of your friendship now could be based off your history yeah you know rather than the fact that like and know, you're kind of in these very formative years. You're 20. You're in college. You're going to be making a ton of new friends. And it's very possible you're just kind of going separate ways. That's possible. Or you're just kind of going through this transitional period where you're both figuring each other out.

And maybe she's being a little selfish right now. And she will come to regret that over a period of time. and maybe she's being a little selfish right now and she will come to regret that over a period of time. So I don't think you need to make some sort of like, you know, dress, you know, it's like, we're not friends anymore, you know, or you're gonna fire her as a friend or cut her off completely.

But you can distance yourself. You can set a boundary and say, you know, I just, I don't trust her right now. So I don't trust her. So she's not gonna be the person I turn to with things I don't want mom to know, you know i i just i don't trust her right now so i don't trust her so she's not gonna be the person i turn to with things i don't want mom to know you know uh i clearly can't necessarily trust her with guys i'm seeing so i need to back off then when if she you know and she's gonna do one or two things she's they're not gonna give a shit you know and since she's caught

up in this new relationship it might be a while before she gives a shit it could be a year from now you know but eventually she could come back and with her tail between her legs and just be like i miss my friend and you could say or why don't we hang out anymore and be like well to be honest like i tried to talk to you about my feelings ain't you just kind of made me feel like you ultimately dismissed them. You either denied or just said you didn't know what I was talking about or all I ever wanted with you and Matt or whatever his name is,

for you to just come to me first and just prioritize our friendship and just give me the heads up that it's something you wanted to pursue. You don't need my permission, but it would still have been nice to know. It would have been a nice courtesy to offer me as your best friend. And you didn't give me that courtesy or that respect. And I just want

friends who respect me. I want friends who want to include me when they make new friends. And quite honestly, as much as I love you, you weren't doing any of that. And you started making me feel really bad about myself. And I want friends who make me feel good about myself. And I love you. And I miss our friendship too. But I kind of been distancing myself because you've been hurting my feelings. But right now I think maybe, yeah,

maybe set those boundaries, maybe distance yourself a little bit, see how she responds. I wouldn't be shocked if you don't get the response that you want anytime soon because she's caught up in this relationship and she's using the excuse of, well, I don't know what to say, so I'm not going to say anything at all, which is a very common, immature reaction

to a lot of people your age. Right. Like I do go to therapy and I've talked about this with my therapist a lot. One of the things is like she hasn't really like distanced herself. Like she still has been like, hey, so-and-so and I are like going to get ice cream. Do you want to come with us? You distance yourself. She's fine with all this.

It's like she's being a fuck boyfriend. She is setting the standards of a relationship that she wants from you. And up until this point, you've been accepting it. And her standard is if I crush on a guy, regardless if she's dating him, I can swoop in. I don't even need to have a conversation. When I want to include her in things, I'll include her. When I don't want to include her in things, I won't include her. If she tells me things, I might slip it and tell my mom so she should tell her mom.

If she confronts me about it, I'm going to play coy or dumb or deny it. And as long as she hangs out with me when I want to hang out with her, I'll still be friends with her. But that's not what you want. She's not the one calling us about the friendship. You are. And so you need to set the boundaries. You should distance yourself and see and get her to react to you distancing your, your,

and when she does react and ask you why you've been doing that, then you'd be upfront with saying, well, listen, because I've tried and you don't make me feel I don't trust you. And I just, I really don't like how you handle that. Like, I don't need your pity. I need your friendship. Well, I cried. I cried so much about it. That's his pity. You don't need her pity. You need her to be upfront with you. You need her to communicate with her. You need to know that you can trust her. And even when awkward situations like liking the same guy come up, there's this unexpected, there's this uncommunicated promise that you guys will prioritize the friendship and you'll sit down and you'll work through this awkward situation.

And you'll say, ultimately, hey, it didn't work between us. And I know it's going to be a little awkward, but it sounds like you really like him and he likes you. And as, hey, it didn't work between us and I know it's going to be a little awkward, but it sounds like you really like him and he likes you. And as your friend, I want to support you. I'm going to be fine, but thank you for talking to me and giving me the heads up and making me feel like you prioritized

our friendship as well as him. And had she done that, you probably would have felt a lot better. Absolutely. Like it wouldn't have been a problem at all. You're right. Like exactly what you just said is exactly what's been going on. I would decide for you, what do you want on a friend? Start

investing in making new friends and people that are giving you the type of characteristics that you're looking for. And at some point, she's going to reach out and go, why are you acting this way? And then you could say, let's get a coffee and talk about it. And you can have this conversation again, but you make it very clear. It's just like, I love you and I miss our friendship, but like, I need you as my friend and I need you to meet my friend expectations as well. And I just don't think you've been a very good friend to me recently. I think like, I'm kind of like scared of doing that because I feel like it's kind of like selfish of me, but I know it isn't, but like, I feel like in my own like jacked up mind it kind of is i mean selfishness is a kind of a

you know it's tricky because like if two if two people having a have opposing desires you know it both feels selfish to the other person kind of thing. In a romantic relationship, there can always be this understanding that, hey, we always have to compromise type of thing. When it comes to friendships, so many friendships are just that, friendships because we love the same things. And we've never faced a situation where it's like, oh wait, you want what? Well, I don't want that at all.

Well, how do we, how do we compromise? And your expectation of her just like being upfront and talking with you about it and not having to find out and, and her kind of awkwardly just not tell you things, um, wasn't right. You weren't asking her not to date him. You were just asking her to be upfront. And I just want friends, even if there's an awkward situation, just be upfront with me. Give me a chance to handle a tough situation the right way. You didn't even give me a chance. You just assumed that I was going to act a certain way and then decided not to tell me

and use your assumption as an excuse not to communicate with me. That's exactly it. Like you said, we are in that transition period and I think we need that. I think it's going to come down to that eventually. Yeah. One or two things are going to happen. Either it's going to grow apart or you're going to have this kind of come to Jesus conversation and you're going to reset expectations and figure out how to meet each other's expectations and move forward and grow from it. Absolutely. Thank you so much. All right. That was so helpful. Truly. Thank you. Our pleasure. Give us an update when you have one and we look forward to finding out what that is. Absolutely. Thank you guys so much.

All right. Take care. Great talking with you. Thank you. Bye. Well, thank you. All right. Keep us posted. I will, for sure. All right. Thank care. Great talking with you. Thank you. Bye. Exactly. Well, thank you. All right. Keep us posted. I will, for sure. All right. Take care. Thank you so much. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Hope you enjoyed this show. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours,

sweating the wedding, mediation, and more. We'll see you back tomorrow. Bye.