The Viall Files - E604 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 9

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

Welcome back to The Viall Files! Today we have another special “where are they now” update show where we give you updates from our past callers to see what’s happened in their situations and relationships since appearing on the show.  We bring on our first caller whose father broke up their family to date the woman his son had been interested in. After speaking with his father, was he able to mend the relationship, or had far too much happened to be able to repair the damage? Our second caller was considering firing her maid of honor in her wedding after feeling like she wasn’t a priority. We find out if the MOH is still in the wedding and the status of their friendship. Our third caller was scared to break up with her boyfriend of nearly five years, since she knew he wouldn’t see it coming. There had been many existing problems in their relationship, with the culminating incident being that he didn’t want to go to a wedding with her where he wouldn’t know anyone, making her feel like she wasn’t fun enough to make his experience enjoyable. Did she finally have the courage to leave him? We also have some written updates - our caller who was trying to define her situationship, and our caller who was in love with her childhood best friend and wanted to know if he felt the same.  To catch up on all of these callers original questions please see the show numbers:   Original Episode numbers for callers: Episode Number: 579 Ask Nick - My Dad Stole My Girlfriend Episode Number 555 Going Deeper with Kristen Doute - Ariana’s Mouthpiece  Episode Number 592 Ask Nick - I Need To Stop My Soulmate’s Wedding  Original Episode numbers for written updates: Episode Number: 601 Ask Nick - I’m Dating A Bad Kisser Episode Number 572 Ask Nick - Don’t F*ck With Betty / Chemistry vs. Comfort “At the end of the day, he ain’t coming to your kid’s baptism.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.fm  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store. Android User? Listen here: https://www.onamp.com/  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

What's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files update special edition hope you're having a wonderful day whatever day you are tuning in to us. We know you love these updates, and we love bringing them to you. Don't forget that if you love these updates, we drop two additional updates every month behind Vile Files Plus, in addition to all additional amazing content like episodes of Better Date Than Never, which is our live sex, dating, and relationship podcast. Really, it's mostly dating and relationship podcast really it's more mostly dating and sex uh but if you don't get to listen to it live at 9 p.m eastern on thursday when we drop that episode

uh all those fun and wacky episodes are available to you to listen to behind vile files plus in addition to our weekly pop off uh episodes where we round uh recap all things pop culture all the topics we didn't get to on Freestyle or going deeper. So be sure to check that out. It's free to sign up. You get a seven-day free trial. So check it out. Okay, so before we get to the update,

someone wrote in with kind of an interesting situation that I wanted everybody's take on. It's another one where it's kind of like there's money has a role in it and it's wedding related. So this person reached out and said they had a friend accept a bridesmaid proposal, took like the box this bride who like wrote in had prepared. And then about two months later, called me and told me she couldn't be a bridesmaid anymore because she's on a budget. She assured me she's still attending my destination wedding,

which will be about two thousand dollars for the trip. But she cannot afford to be my bridesmaid and will not be attending my bachelorette after she RSVP'd yes, and we booked in Airbnb according to that. I told her that her only commitment was purchasing a dress for $180 plus tax, no hair and makeup costs, and shoes just had to be new color. After informing her about the dress being the only cost, we left her phone call with her saying she would let me know if that changes things for her. She was supposed to let me know yesterday and she never said a word to me. I'm feeling really hurt, mostly because this friend goes out a lot. And even just the weekend before, she was out for dinner. And a few weeks before that, she was out at a concert and went for dinner

with me. I honestly feel like if I was a priority, her budget, in quotes, would include less outings and enough for a bridesmaid's dress, especially since she still plans on paying $2,000 to be at my wedding. I also feel hurt that she couldn't even value me enough to get back to me like we'd agreed. I plan on reaching out to her today, but either way, I'm left feeling very hurt and questioning how important I really am to this friend. I really am to this friend? I think it's a really interesting question of this whole, like, you know, your friend tells you something about their financial situation and then you observe things about their lifestyle that might, in your perception, kind of contradict that. And so what do you what is what do you all make of this? Well, it's tricky because she's seeing it through the lens of her self. Right. And she's thinking, well, if you're going to spend two thousand dollars on a trip like why is it so hard to spend 180 hours more especially if you're going out all the time and

yada yada yada but like her friend's thinking i already have to spend two thousand dollars on a trip and that's a sacrifice in and of itself does she really only have to be responsible for what i mean i don't know what maybe there's more to it where she just is she bringing a date well it also sounds like it involves the bachelorette trip and so it's like in her mind i think she's probably thinking being a bridesmaid includes not only the day of cost and it sounds like either hair and makeup isn't a requirement or maybe it's being paid for by the bride. But like bachelorette parties, if not done consciously, like really can run up as well. I think the difference there is. I don't know, because I can see the bride's perspective of it doesn't sound like maybe

that would have been a big deal to cancel, but it sounds like she originally said yes. They booked an Airbnb for a certain amount of people. And now this bride or the maid of honor is responsible for turning around to everybody else who's going and saying, actually, it's going to be more expensive because we're not splitting it sideways. We're splitting it four ways. So I,

I think maybe she, the dress would have been fine, but she thought the trip was also part of kind of being a bridesmaid. And so she doesn't, well, maybe you want to do the bachelorette trip. I feel like I hear a lot when it comes to weddings that it's about like the numbers so to speak because why do you want someone to be a bridesmaid who doesn't want to be a

bridesmaid that's my first thought when you're listening to this letter like why why honor them with the honor of being one of your bridesmaids when they don't even want to fucking be there and yet she's she's almost begging and negotiating with school you don't do this but all you have to do is this can you just please stand there and is it just because the ratio of like groomsmen to bridesmaids like it throws it off and that's why i mean i yeah it's sometimes yeah you gotta have people walk down the aisle together with photos you need them even on both sides i also think there's maybe more of like the sentimental look at this where it's like she wants her in the room like getting ready with her but like before she like actually

goes to the bridal suite and then walks down the aisle or like she just kind of it's like a sentimental value thing where like the title does mean something to her it like means a lot for a friend to say i care about you and i want to show up for you and there's this very far yeah but maybe the friend isn't ready to like let go of that truth you know or isn't ready to accept that truth in any way and so it's also a slippery slope now because she's clearly seeing her on social media analyzing how much she's spending in other arenas and it's kind of like, okay, well, we also don't know. Like maybe her friends took her out and treated her. Maybe she, it's like now to be like,

oh, but you can do this dinner, but you can't pay for the dress. It's like, oh, that's not healthy either. Well, yeah, because like to be at your wedding, like you can't, they can't go out. Yeah. Your wedding isn't supposed to be some sort of burden on other people. Totally.

More generally speaking, have you guys had scenarios where a friend has said, I can't afford something? And then you, especially like potentially like roommates in the past where it's like you see their lifestyle firsthand. And like when they say like, I can't do this thing, whether it's related to you or not, you're just like, yes, you can. Just don't get Postmates three nights this week.

Yeah. But like, that's the thing. When someone says I can't afford something, it's relative. It means I don't value it as much as you do. I don't want to spend that type of money on that thing that you want sweet. Yeah. But like, that's the thing. When someone says I can't afford something, it's relative. It means I don't value it as much as you do. I don't want to spend that type of money on that thing that you want to. Yeah. And we all value things differently in how we spend our money. You know, like she's thinking, I don't want to waste $180 on a dress I'm never going to

wear again. Yeah. You know, I'm not, I'm not agreeing with the friend. It's just more like at the end of the day, I feel like when it comes to weddings, you just got to, if it's something you're going to worry about it, don't worry about it and just cut it off. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe that's too cutthroat of me, but. I do think to the bride, like I don't think there's any way you can win in trying to have a conversation about what she is spending money on. I think there's no way where you don't trigger insane defensiveness,

where you don't like draw, like that's the kind of stuff that will like draw, I think a permanent wedge in a friendship sometimes is like feeling, if someone feels like that, like disrespected. And I think money can be so sensitive. And like I so I do think it's like you definitely can't point out the money thing. If you want to have a destination wedding, have a destination wedding. But two thousand dollars on a trip that you didn't pick is a lot of fucking money.

I mean, as long as I had to go to Puerto Vallarta for a wedding, I was like, oh, Puerto Vallarta again? Like, you know, if I'm going to take a vacation, people have to use their vacation days. They got to spend that money. It is a big fucking ask for everyone. So Nellie and I are getting married in Georgia. And honestly, I hope people find it inconvenient, know so they won't go you know but we're going like that's where we want to get married don't worry

I already found an Airbnb yeah great uh but my point is is like you have to recognize that it's your day and choose it good for you that you wanted to get married and wherever the fuck Mexico Jamaica whatever but like that is a huge ask for people to like take

their limited vacation days and, and money to go on a vacation. They didn't choose. And I'm sure it'll be fun and I'm sure it'll be great and yada yada. But like, you know, maybe they were saving up to go somewhere else. They didn't get to go to, you know? So yes. So it's all to say not a good way to justify it by like stalking their Instagram page and

critiquing them, their life the way they want. They're already making a sacrifice by showing up. Could this friend step up? And does this person have the right to say, you know what? This friend is choosing not to prioritize me as much as I want them. I only want to get married once. They don't want to share this moment for me. That makes me sad. Makes me want to evaluate my relationship with them sure and and let's and and she has the right to say listen like i really you know if you're right in the assumption i just want to i want you to i want to experience this with you you're my friend you've been there for you know all my dating stories and i just want to have you there on that day you know and so like but if she doesn't want to yeah i would just fire her as a bridesmaid she doesn't want to, yeah, I would just fire her as a bridesmaid. She doesn't want to be a bridesmaid.

And, you know, either ask someone else to replace them because wouldn't you rather have someone else who would be more honored or just cut off that bridesmaid? And, you know, maybe there's a guy who doesn't need to be a groomsman. I don't,

I don't know. One girl gets dismissed. So we have to make cuts from the other side. There's ways ways to figure it out oh totally right i just you know weddings don't need to be cookie cutter no one cares no one's gonna be like oh my god did he walk down by himself you know like no one gives a shit you know yeah it's just like it's a fucking wedding enjoy your day and and don't let don't let this kind of tipping point with this friend ruin the wedding plan experience. I don't know. I don't think it's worth it.

Anyway, my two cents. We have some great updates for you. Again, don't forget to check out Vile Files Plus for more updates. If you can't get enough of these, get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions welcome back greg hey how's it going you guys good good good so last time we talked to you not too long ago you called up with a very vulnerable but juicy story from our end about your dad essentially stealing your girl

yeah basically yeah yeah well but uh well let's play a quick clip from the call just to remind our audience. My name's Greg. I'm 24. And I'm looking at reaching out to my dad who last year broke up my family by cheating on my mom with a woman who I was interested in

and who was her boss. Your mom's boss? So my dad, he was her boss. Okay. It was his employee. Okay. Who you were interested in that he left your mom for. Well, first of all, I'm sorry that happened to you. Thank you. I appreciate that. It's definitely been a happened December of 21, about three days before Christmas. So it's been a year, but it's been a...

That's when you found out? Yeah, we found out three days before Christmas. So him and I were sitting there, uh, it was probably like eight 30 at night. My mom came home and she handed me her phone and she was like, Hey, look at this. And it was the text messages between them. And he was like confessing, like he loves her and he was doing the countdown until they can like be together. And they were talking about, you know, having kids and all this stuff.

How old's your dad? How old is her? She was a year younger than me. So I'm 24. That makes her 23. And my dad's 50. Or he was 53 at the time, now 54. Okay. So yeah, definitely. Larger than your age gap. Certainly giving me a run for the money. Do you have any contact with him? Did you? What do you know about his life? Is he still dating this person?

Last April, he admitted that he was still seeing her. They're living together. They have a dog. But yeah, so I kind of gave him the ultimatum. I was like, hey, it's kind of me or her. Like either you choose to have a relationship with me or like you have a relationship with her. And he chose having a relationship with her.

And yeah, now I'm here. I think there's a way to have a relationship with your dad while still having some pretty defined boundaries. Maybe it's just an honest conversation with your dad that goes something like, listen, at the end of the day, you're my father. And you're aware of how much you hurt me. I don't respect what you did. And I have a really hard time accepting what you're doing,

but that's your life. But you are my father and I want to have a father. And if you want to have a son, uh, I need you, I need to see you go out of your way to, to mend some fences. If you're going to be with this person, so be it. I can't stop you. I hope that you can respect that, and I hope that you at least can understand why it's so difficult for me.

I'd like to have a relationship with you, but I don't want to hear about her. I don't want to be involved in her life, and I need you to go out of your way to have a relationship with me while separating her from it. Yeah. I think that's reasonable. Reminder audience, just kind of quickly paraphrase what happened and what was the advice that we told you? And where are we now? Yeah. So I reached out to you guys. I was just looking for help to reach out to my dad who broke up my family by cheating on my mom with a woman that I was seeing. So, yeah, I reached out to you guys and you guys gave me some great i'm wrong uh was that despite everything that happened um you still and understand me so wanted to have a

relationship with your dad some time had passed he's still dating the woman that he blew up the family family for before christmas at the end of the day we only have one mom and a one dad and when it comes to family as messy as it can be, you know, like the desire to have them in our lives is a strong one and a valid one. And so what was the advice that we gave you around that topic? Yeah, you gave me some excellent advice. You told me to just set boundaries with him and set boundaries of, you know, I really don't care to hear about her. I, I just ask that you meet me where I'm at and we have a relationship that's focused on us and set the

boundary of, you know, I don't really want to hear what you guys are doing. I don't really want to know about your life. All I ask is that you just focus on having a relationship with me. Uh, and then you also mentioned to just kind of, you know, accept it, accept it for what it is. And we can't control what our parents do. And yeah, that's something that's really helped me is just accepting the choices my dad's made and understanding that those aren't my choices. Yeah. So did you reach out to pops? Yeah. After we spoke, I took a week. You know, I just collected my thoughts, really just thought over everything. And I shot him a text. I was like my thoughts, really just thought over everything.

And I shot him a text. I was like, hey, this is out of the blue. I love you. You're my dad. I do want to have a working relationship with you. And whenever you're free, I'd love to get together and just talk and catch up and see, just talk about having a relationship. And he texted me back the next morning. And we kind of went back and forth a little bit just catching up a little bit about life and then we actually spoke yesterday uh so the conversation is fairly fairly fresh okay and oh it went well i mean i i was just up

front with him and i started the conversation by just you know just telling him i was like hey the last year like your actions really did hurt me like Like it, it did affect me. It affected my life. It, and then I kind of transitioned just being thankful. I was like, I thanked him for that. And just, you know, I kind of mentioned all the work I've put in and how far I've come. And then, yeah, I just, I just got to setting boundaries. I just told him, I was like, you know, I'm going to need you to need you to sack up and man up. And I'm going to you to just have focus on having a relationship with me and i really don't care to hear about her i don't want to like i'm not your buddy when it like i don't want to be like i don't want to have you like talk to me about her i'm not your buddy

in that department uh and then i also set the boundary because he he asked about my mom and how she was doing i was like you know like it's another boundary i'm gonna say like you don't get to ask like how my mom is doing like i, I just, to me, that seems inappropriate. So I definitely, I said a lot of boundaries with him and he was very receptive to it. He was like, yeah, no, I understand. And he kept apologizing. And there was one point in the conversation, like, after he apologized for like the 10th time, I was like, you know, I do challenge you to kind of look inward and figure out

like why you made the choice that you did. Yeah. But also to that end, you can just say, listen, thank you for the apology. You don't need to apologize. What I need you to do is just respect what I'm asking and be a dad and respect my boundaries. I don't need you to keep saying, I'm sorry. I just need you to, to make things right. Given the framework that we're operating in so to speak i'm willing to accept that this is your choice you know i'm willing to have a relation with you despite the situation i just need you to respect what i'm asking and we'll be okay what did he say about when you when you challenged him uh like when i challenged him just uh just asked him to look inward yeah uh he

was like you know like that's a really good point he was like i feel like i should go to therapy and kind of talk through like why i did the things i did and i was just kind of i just encouraged him i was like yeah you know i think looking inward and going to therapy and really like getting getting through everything and i think that would really benefit you uh and he was like yeah yeah, you know, maybe that's something I will look into. So he was very receptive. Like when I challenged him on it. Keep challenging him, you know, and if nothing else, I got, I got to imagine hearing from his son do the difficult things like prioritizing their mental health and doing this. And you can even challenge like, well, you're the one who made these choices and I'm not trying to, you know, bring up old wounds, but you know, if I can go not trying to, you know, bring up old wounds, but

you know, if I can go ahead and do, you know, do the vulnerable thing, like get therapy and realize that I need some help and I need to not let my, you know, struggles in life or my feelings and, you know, cause I'm sure your dad in his head is able to justify all his choices. Oh, I felt sad and my needs weren't being met or what, uh, you know, he, I promise you, he, he was able to convince himself why doing what he did was his only option. Otherwise he wouldn't have done it. Right. Or why he deserved to do it or yada, yada, yada.

And you know, he might not, you know, he's fine. He's with this person now, but I mean, to challenge him and just be like, you still haven't really addressed all of this. And if I can do it, you should too. And it will really disappoint me if you don't, don't be, don't be all talk.

I want a dad who's more than just all talk because, you know, I want your actions to bring us together more than, you know, and that's something I just, I got annoyed. And that's probably shame on me in the car. But like when we were talking,

I just got annoyed the amount of times he was apologizing. Like you can say you're sorry, but like how are your actions going to back that up? Yeah. So as always, you know, I think you reaching out is, was a big deal for yourself and for him.

And I'm sure, I bet you impressed him and just keep loving them and keep challenging them. You know, it's always, it's like, we just always have to find that balance of, of when we want to challenge someone, we have to make sure we, you know, sandwich's always, it's like, we just always have to find that balance of, of when we want to challenge someone, we have to make sure we, you know, sandwich them with love.

How are you feeling about this? Like, do you feel, yeah, where, where's your kind of heart around this topic? You know, I feel, I feel good. I mean, you know, after the conversation yesterday, I was like, okay, like, I do feel like we're on a good path. There was one thing though, he, he asked me, he was like, do you see yourself like, you know, if her and I continue to date,

do you think you could get to a place where you could like be around us? And I just looked at him and I was like, fuck no. Like also I would say, Hey dad, maybe I'm not getting through to you. Even if that, like,

even that were possible, is this the conversation that's really appropriate to ask? I'm trying to start a relationship here. And I'm, and part of my requirements for this relationship is to respect this boundary. And you're asking me if I can consider in the future not. I mean, let's just, I don't know, Dad, but let's just assume going forward, no.

But also, like, I need you to make me feel like I'm a fucking priority and you asking me this question just shows me that the end of the day you're still worrying about you and how this affects you yeah and that's you know after we spoke i talked to my counselor and she was just like i she was like you know you can have a relationship with your dad but just be a little bit more careful going forward with that relationship like don't i'm the type of person when i like you know start things back up with people and make you know and build that relationship back i try to resume the relationship like and get back to normal my counselor is saying like your guys's relationship will be a new normal

like you got to get over the like how your guys's relationship was like what was in the past and you guys are gonna have a new norm yeah we do this thing where it's just like when someone you know hurts us or you know it's like then we we talk about boundaries like i need this boundary whatever and i think somewhere in our subconscious we think that like us having boundaries with people is not loving them enough or not trusting them enough or or things that. And so then we take away the boundaries that we have that we think are protecting ourselves as a way to show them our loyalty and love and trust for them, which is only leads us to more disappointment in the future.

So kind of, I think to your counselor's point is when things get good with your dad, that's not a reason to like drop the boundary that got you to the place that you wanted to be, you know? And we weirdly think that, oh, now we're here. We no longer need these boundaries. Like, no, it's the boundaries that got you to this place. Yeah, absolutely. That's, yeah, that's so true. That's a, that's a good point. But yeah, it was, you know, it was a good conversation. I left feeling, I mean, I felt great. Amanda, you know, brought up when we first talk about just, you know, letting my friends just, you know, if I need them to support me during difficult times, like to just let them do that.

So I reached out to my buddy prior to meeting with him and I was just like, hey, like, this is what I'm doing. And I was I mean, he he was great. He was like, yeah, I love you. Like, I support you if you need anything throughout this. Like, you know, I'm always a phone call away. Like, I'm here for you. You need to just talk about it or, you know, practice what you're going to say to him so that was another great piece of advice so thank you for that amanda yeah of course and you deserve to i've you seem

like an amazing friend so it's like i'm really glad you're getting that back we love you i love you y'all are too nice oh yeah y'all are too. You guys can come up to Washington and hit the bromita triangle with me and my friends. Hell yeah. And also thank you because I went to my first Al-Anon meeting in 10 or 11 years. Yeah, how was it? It was good.

It's one of those things where it's like, I don't know why it's so hard to show up because it's always good. I'm always glad I went. I feel a strong, like it's, you know, I feel like a strong sense of like the opposite of loneliness. And, but somehow it's just so hard sometimes to show up.

And so like, truly you got me, helped me do something I was trying to do for 10 years and couldn't. And so I'm very grateful. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

No, like I told you, I was like that first meeting, I was so anxious driving there. I was like playing my like pump up songs that I played to go to like the gym or stuff. And I was like, why am I so anxious? But it was it was great. It's really a great experience. And I was supposed to go yesterday, but met with my dad. So I'm gonna go this Thursday. alternative ones that way it's like it's not like oh i fell off the wagon and now i'm never gonna go again but like being like okay how do i like make this like easy to fit into my schedule and not something i like beat myself up about when i don't go to the one that i thought i would go to etc yeah and i like the one that i go to on tuesdays because it's a bunch of moms and i'm just like a 24 year old i feel like greg and the mommies they're all super sweet yeah it seems like

a great combo yeah oh every every i haven't met a mom that doesn't love me. So yeah, I fit in well with the moms. Keep that humility. No, I'm just kidding. All right, buddy. Thank you very much for the update. Please continue to update us on any progress when it comes to the relationship of your father or anything else.

We appreciate it. And yeah, congratulations on taking this very big step, uh, in your life. And, um, it's, it's, it's only going to lead to better things. Yeah, no, I'm really excited for my future and I definitely think this is going to help me. I think just having this tough conversation is going to benefit me as I start to build my life and get into relationships and, you know, and I'm excited to be a husband and a father and i know this experience is definitely going to help me so thank you guys for all your help and your guidance and i genuinely genuinely appreciate it i appreciate it as well all right thanks buddy

yeah absolutely take care guys take care bye-bye hold on to your kilts dearies peacock original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics

and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series. The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? I'm making it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the brav bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the brav bros. guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice.

Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph.

All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Brav Bros. Good job. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. So for those of you who like instant gratification, we have an update from this week's very own Ask Nick episode. Our caller, Melissa, who was called while she was in the middle of defining the relationship and needed some help, needed to bring in backup, so to speak, because the DTR process was not running entirely smoothly, sent in an update for us. Melissa says, I have an update for you all. I now have a boyfriend. The conversation went so much better than I thought it would. I was so nervous he was going to think I was being pushy

and he definitely didn't. He said he could sense I wasn't feeling great about things and then I said exactly what Nick told me to. I said I've been really enjoying these past few months and I really enjoyed our trip together and I think it's time we take that next step and I'd like you to be my boyfriend and that maybe we shouldn't move forward if he didn't see that. I also threw in there that this doesn't mean it is a forever commitment. We could break up in a week, in a month, who knows, but I think we're ready to take the next step. And he agreed and smiled and said he doesn't have a problem with us taking that next step. I left his house feeling so much better and so relieved. I'll keep you updated as time passes, but just wanted to say thank you all so much. I love your podcast. It has gotten me through the hardest times and I am so happy to have been

a part of it. Great. No notes. I don't know. No notes. Perfection. I mean, you know, we'll see where it goes. You know, I would have loved maybe him to be a little bit more enthusiastic rather than say I don't have a problem with moving forward. But hey, you know. It was paired with a smile. We got. Yeah, we got.

We ultimately got what we wanted. Yeah. Sometimes men are just tourist communicators. We lack enthusiasm at times. Okay. There's definitely a Tom Sandoval joke in there with enthusiasm, but we're not going to make it. As long as you have your t-shirt on.

All right. Let's get to our next caller. Welcome back, Elizabeth. How's it going? I'm doing well. Thank you for having me back. Oh, love to have you. Thank you for taking the time. Last time we spoke, it was on Kristen Doty's episode of Going Deeper. You were considering

firing your maid of honor? Yes, I was. I have not. You have not. All right. Well, let's play a quick clip before we get into the update, just to remind our audience a little bit about that call. How's it going? Hi, my name is Elizabeth and I'm 26 years old and I'm considering firing my maid of honor. Okay. All right. Well, tell us what is going on with your maid of honor and why you're thinking of firing her. So I asked her to be my maid of honor a few months ago. And ever since then, she has canceled every plan we have made, whether it be FaceTime in person, anything at the last minute. All of them.

All of them. I just went through this not that long ago with one of my best friends who got married and one of her bridesmaids that I was a bridesmaid. OK. All right. I'll be the shitty maid of honor. Are you ready? Mm hmm. I've realized I'm an idiot.

Fair. I leave for Arizona on Thursday. Wink emoji. Not Friday. LOL. We could do breakfast on Thursday? Question mark exclamation point. This is a new interaction.

We're back on Wednesday, March 1st. Did you not respond to that? I did respond. I think I said something like, yes, that works great. This is like Tuesday late night. Okay. And then this is like the start of the next flake. And then next Wednesday was the next day.

Let's do when I get back to Arizona on Sunday night. Are you free the sixth Monday? Let's definitely wait until you're back. I'm in class Monday and Tuesday. So how about so how about Wednesday and call Friday? Friday, March 3rd rolls around. Yay. Call me until you're back. I'm in class Monday and Tuesday. So how about Wednesday? And call Friday. Friday, March 3rd rolls around. Yay.

Call me whenever you're free. Heart eye emojis. Perfect. You said any time before one your time, right? My day has been insane since 6 a.m. Oh my God. Yes, we can do closer to one. Just let me know if that works.

That day at 1213. Is there any way that we can break things down for me, what you're looking to discuss? Then we can do something next week and go in depth. I just want to give this time and I'm unwell, lol. Why does she keep lol-ing? And she's clearly unwell. Also, you just want to talk. Like you just literally want to connect for the first time. She's your best friend and you can't just jump on a quick call, but you can spend a million hours sending these dumb text messages and now she's asking for notes as to why she should make time it just sounds like

she's not really giving a shit about your needs and you're not some bridezilla clearly you've done nothing but say any time will work any day i will put all of my shit aside for you and it should really be the other way around yeah i think you get her on the phone. I just say, hey, listen, we've had a really hard time connecting. And I'm thinking, I love you. And I love our friendship. And I value our friendship so much. I don't want my wedding to be a reason that creates conflict. But at the same time, I want to enjoy this experience. I want at the same time, I want to enjoy this experience. I want to enjoy my wedding. I want to enjoy planning my wedding.

And so far I haven't enjoyed it at all because I just been stressed out and how like much you haven't really made this a priority. And I just think maybe like, why don't you give me sort of giving her the out to say, like, I, if you, if you like what you were just saying, Nick, but like to attest to to say like, I, if you, if you like what you were just saying,

Nick, but like to attest to that, like it is, you know, explaining to her, I understand this is a lot and it is a responsibility. And if it isn't something that you feel you can take on right now, just please let me know.

And I will give you the grace as well. And, and sort of say, that's okay then. Yeah. We're good. Just be honest with me. You know,

if you're afraid to tell me because you're scared i'd rather just do this now so we can still be friends and you can still be at my bachelorette party if you want to like you'd still be a part of it could be a bridesmaid but like i'm and you could say i'm just and where i think you'd be honest with her is i'm already starting to get really upset and angry and I just don't want to feel any hostility towards you. And if you're just like, if you have other things going on, that's totally okay. But like, I do want to enjoy this experience. And I'm, I'm worried that if, if you remain my bridesmaid, it's going to cause some problems between us. And I, for the sake of the friendship, maybe we just, you know, don't. Do me a favor and just remind the audience, just a little quick summary of

your problem. And what was the advice that we offered you? Yes. So my maid of honor had been very flaky, had been canceling plans, whether they were in person or virtual, basically because she was traveling with her boyfriend and was on Boyfriend Island. And the advice y'all gave me was A, just validating that I wasn't being a bridezilla and B, that I needed to have a conversation that gave her a way out almost in order to let her know where I was and how I was feeling and then move forward because it wasn't something that I could deal with long-term. Great. All right. And so what did you do with that advice? I listened back to the interview and I took so many notes and I ended up scheduling a time to

talk to her. FaceTime ended up not working. So we had a phone call, which ended up being better to reference all the advice y'all gave me. So she didn't see you looking at notes. Are you looking at notes? Do you have a teleprompter going? So we chatted on the phone and I kind of explained it exactly what I told y'all about how I was feeling and that I wanted to give her the different options on whether it be just being a bread maid or stepping back, whatever she needed to do. And the response I got was basically that she didn't really get where I was coming from. And the closest to an apology was, sorry, I made you feel that way. And that I'll try to be better in the future. But it was very, I have my own shit going on.

Deal with it. How did you respond to that? I said, OK, well, I appreciate the apology, and now you know how I'm feeling. She didn't apologize? No, not really. Yeah. I backed down really quick. How do you feel now?

You know, there have been a lot of changes since then. Her and her boyfriend broke up, and so we're no longer on Boyfriend Island. Oh, okay. And is she channeling that freedom of time into your wedding? Yes. Okay. That being said, as of this week, there is a new man who is supposedly the love of her life. Oh, God.

So we'll see how long it lasts. Is she familiar with this show? Not really. High level, but no. She doesn't watch. Help a friend. Or listen. Yeah.

No, I'm just kidding uh i've tried you seem uh you seem unsettled about this i am i think fool me once shame on you fool me twice on me so i she knows where i stand at this point and so i'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop and when it does um i don't so I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop. And when it does, um, I don't know, I'm just waiting for it. And that's nerve wracking. Okay. Well, if you end up firing her, I think the headline needs to be something like, I love you too much to end up hating you over you not stepping up and being the bridesmaids I need for my wedding. I get you have needs. I get you have your stuff.

And again, I'm also okay with you just saying I'm too busy to be the bridesmaid that you need. No, I won't be offended. In fact, I'd be at this point relieved because I'm spending way too much stressing out over you. And I'm going to resent the shit out of you. This continues because she could be affecting your bachelorette party, your shower, the actual wedding day itself. And then your whole wedding experience will be

the headline of your whole wedding experience is how I broke up with my best friend. That's not something I want to happen. I mean, she's not going to ruin your wedding, but she can definitely kill the vibe. And she could be a long lasting bad taste in your mouth. She can become in your mind, less of a best friend and more of the person who made your wedding planning experience kind of unpleasant. And I'm a big believer in, especially as adults, that being a good friend often includes tough love and you don't say it to be mean,

but sometimes your friends need to hear things that might hurt their feelings. At some point, you might need to say, hey, friend, I love you. Again, as always, when you have tough love, you always got to lead with compliments and love and all the reasons why they're special to you and all the reasons you value them and yada, yada, yada. And then you hit them with, which is all the more reason why I feel compelled to say, I

get it. You know, I am, I suppose you could argue that I'm considering my needs right now. And I guess I'm being selfish right now but this is my wedding and I know you're going through a lot but your desire to constantly focus on your needs before mine even as my maid of honor is really causing me to have strong resentful feelings towards you and that breaks my heart because overall I truly love you and I want to be there for you. And like, I've been in your shoes before I get you, but like you seem unwilling to, you know, you're as she said, she's like, I'm going through a lot right now. I'm just dealing with stuff. And she basically said on the phone to you and correct me if I'm wrong, is that I'm here for

you only after my needs are met. You know, when I feel emotionally available or I'm here for you only after my needs are met. When I feel emotionally available or I'm actually free and when I have the time and if I have the time, I'll be your maid of honor. But you should not expect me to ever go out of my way and push my needs, set my needs aside to step up and give you and be the friend that you need me to be. I mean, she flat out said that. She said that, but I also think there's a little ignorance. I don't think she even realizes that she's not meeting other people's needs and she's putting hers first. It's a lack of awareness. Sure. And that's what I mean by being a good friend, sometimes checking your friend and pointing out, hey, babe, love you. But you've been very selfish lately. And it's easy to not see that.

I get that because when we are struggling with our own love life and we feel wronged by people and we feel victimized by the people we date and mistreated, and it's very easy to feel sorry for yourself, but it causes us to not be there for the people who need us to be there for them. And I've been hurt. And I've not necessarily lost friends, but my relationships

with my friends suffered because I was so consumed and obsessed with feeling sorry for myself. My heartbreak took precedent over everyone and everything. And honestly, the only thing that helped me get out of my bullshit was to start paying attention to other people's needs, to literally volunteer, to be like, you know what? If I just stop feeling sorry for myself and I look at my world around me and I start asking myself, how can I be a friend to this friend? How can I be there for this person? How can I help this stranger? Life got better. And maybe she needs you to say, I love you, but you're being really self-centered and selfish. And maybe that's hard to hear because I know you've gone through it

right now, but that doesn't change the fact that you only care about what's going on in your life right now. That's very true. And you know what? Friends will fight and sometimes friends need to take a break and maybe she won't want to talk to you for a period of time. But, you know, as long as you don't say anything that's like meant to be hurtful, you don't need to like, you don't need to scratch a scar, you know, she has or hit her with something, you know, that's, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like we know someone has a vulnerable and you're like, and just so you know, they never loved you or whatever the fuck. No hits beneath the belt. Yeah. So to speak. You just are honest and you lead with love and you hit her with the hard truth but and then you and you and then you it's like a sandwich it's like hit him with love hit

him with the truth and then follow up with uh another compliment compliment sandwich yeah i um you you you see it like you know you know this person i don't even know this person you know that it's just a matter of time before she disappoints you again because she is currently obsessed with this stranger and she's being delusional and romanticizing about it and she's gonna do whatever the fuck she wants and when he you know they're gonna go on a trip for this and she's just at some point she's gonna flake on her responsibilities as a bridesmaid. Would you recommend having another conversation now or waiting until things hit the face? What does your gut tell you? Wait.

Why? To avoid confrontation in the hopes that this time is different. Okay. So let me ask the next question. And I don't necessarily know the answer. Let me re-ask the next question. And I don't necessarily know the answer, but what does your gut tell you that deep down will be,

will give you the result that you want? If I confront her, she is very emotional. And I think it's more than likely if she's no longer the bridal party, the friendship is over and it would be a weight and more drama with the other bridesmaids and conversations. You think she would fire you as a friend? Yes. What does that say to you about the friendship? A little emotionally unstable.

Also, it's just like, it's not really a friendship. I mean, I don't want to be friends with anyone that I, I, if I feel wronged by them or my emotional needs aren't being met and if I stand up for myself that they will just like leave me. And it's like a long time friend. Yeah. About

eight years. Yeah. If you think this friendship is so fragile, like do you really want this person standing up as your maid of honor and all your wedding photos? So that your wedding photos can be a reminder of the friendship that no longer exists? Not if it no longer exists, no. I don't think you call her up and say, you're fired, type of thing. It's just like, you're just like, I...

And you don't have to remove her from the wedding party. She just, right? Demote her to bridesmaid? Yeah. Right. That's what I would try to do for sure i would not try to fire her there's also numbers yeah totally obviously right um i think the priority needs to be your wedding and this experience uh hopefully you only get married once type of thing you know ed i just i i don't think you want your whole wedding planning experience to be drama with this one friend who by your own words,

you think at any point if you confront her about her selfishness, that she will simply just stop being your friend. Yeah. I also don't know if that's me projecting or me just having that fear. You know, maybe I have the conversation. Fine. It could be a projection. You know, maybe I have the conversation, fine. It could be a projection. Also, just like, I do think,

I strongly think if you lead with love and you don't say anything regretful or spiteful or something that was obviously meant to hurt her, that just because she stops talking to you for a period of time doesn't mean the friendship's over. It just means that she's just going to go ahead and throw her little temper tantrum and find people who agree with her

who behind your back talk shit about you but like if she doesn't grow up and mature you know then you don't want to be friends with her anyways and if she once she settles down and you know realizes her actions there's a good chance she'll come back to you and recognize her behavior. She's just so caught up in feeling sorry for herself right now that she just can't see how she's coming across. That's a good way of phrasing it. I'm seeing her this weekend, so I could plant the seed or cry. I would just be like, I don't think you want to do this. She's the person, like the guy who like wants to have a girlfriend, but doesn't want to be a boyfriend. It's like you want to be my maid of honor, but you don't want to be my maid of honor. You don't want to do the things that a maid of honor needs to do. And

that's okay with that. But being a maid of honor is more than just the title. She wants the title. She doesn't want to do the work. And that's not fair to you. And I just don't want to keep having work and that's not fair to you and i just don't want to keep having these conversations with you because i love you so much and i value our friendship so much and i want to be there for you without worrying about whether like i'm stressed about my wedding so like why don't we just have kimmy do it you know and then you're off the hook and you can still be my bridesmaid but like otherwise what if she counters again like she did before by saying i

don't know where this is coming from should we point to all these examples i would then i would say well with all due respect that's kind of the problem yeah because i pointed to all those examples last time and she had it she wiggled her way through each one oh this oh that there were good reasons valid reasons. All the reasons are her feeling sorry for herself. And yeah, yes, she has the right to feel all these things. But the pattern is, is every time she feels bad about something that's going on in her life, that's an excuse for her to make it more of a priority than anyone else's needs. And every once in a while, as a friend or as a partner in any type of relationship,

it requires us to set our personal needs aside and step up for the people that we claim to want to be there for. And she's using the excuse of her personal problems as an excuse to not stepping up for other people when it's convenient to them not us need to write that down good reminder yeah i'm sure she'll she'll always have an excuse but like the fact that you don't see it babe is kind of part of the problem it is

the problem not stepping away from yourself yeah do any of the other bridesmaids know about this dilemma you're facing? Two of them know some things. I try not to say much. They just know from her not being around or me saying I'm doing something with her and then it's canceling when they check in and ask how it went. So you mentioned other drama with other bridesmaids. What's your concern on that topic? Just having to have conversations with multiple people and people asking, Oh, why isn't she the maid of honor anymore?

What happened? What's going on? I just don't do gossip and I don't like talking about it. Even if it's factual, I don't want to make her look bad. I don't want, I just avoid it. Great.

And I think you could, you could just say, you could just say something like oh we just both kind of decided that like she was just like too busy with other things and honestly it just was it just became more of like it was just better for both of us but you know just because there's obviously a lot to do and she just doesn't have the time like you can fall on the sword for her you don't you don't have you don't say all the things that we've been saying you know like and and then it's up to her to like play like just take your lead in that narrative it's like oh yeah like it just was it's not a thing it's not a big deal it's just like oh it's just she's

just too busy and i just you know she just she couldn't do it and it's it's so it's totally like i was kind of it just worked out you that narrative. Yeah, she needs a metaphorical kick in the pants, so to speak. We've all had friends that we love and we see all these like great characteristics about, but they get into these type of like emotional ruts and feel bad about themselves. And they're Debbie Donners and they're constantly complaining and they make everything about them.

And it gets to the point where they meet someone, we meet the people they meet, and then we say to ourselves, why do they like our friend? And then it's just like, Hey, like, you know, and like, we're friends with them, you know, we should be vouching for our friends. And meanwhile, we're like, give it six weeks, you know? Yes. So she is at some point going to hit rock bottom she will and i think it's coming soon yeah and i honestly think in these situations if you are willing to be that friend to give them the tough love that they need and you do it with love and you do with compassion and you're not mean that

while it might put a wrinkle in your relationship now they honestly think that it can serve you well in the future you both are only 26. Hopefully you have a long friendship ahead of you and grow old together as friends. And hopefully this will just be a bright spot in your friendship. But someone's going to need to be that person. Because if she's as bad as you seem to be acknowledging and that I think she is, we've seen this before. That person kind of has to hit rock bottom and they have to like realize that they're the problem and they need to do some work on themselves

and they have to humble themselves and they have to get out of their own egos and start, stop getting validation from relationships in general and, and kind of press the reset button. And whoever helps them do that will be a person at the end of the day in the future that they will appreciate it it just will come with a lot of kicking and screaming playing the long game yeah very much so i can try you can do it it maybe it's a good good this is maybe a good exercise for you oh yes i need it the biggest red flag that conversation was the fact that she said, this is catching me off guard, which is a sign of like, she's just so in her own world

right now. And it's good for me to practice and learn how to have these hard conversations. In her mind, she's just like, I'm the one with problems. I'm the one who thought I was going to date this guy and didn't. I'm the one who says, you're in a relationship. You're happy. You're getting married. You have nothing to complain about. You have nothing to do. I was going to date this guy and didn't. I'm the one who says, you're in a relationship. You're happy. You're getting married. You have nothing to complain about. You have nothing to do. I need you to be a friend for me. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I just imagine everyone listening to this episode shaking their head and being like, fuck yes, I have this friend. Everyone listening has a friend going through this right now. Alright, well, keep us posted. This story continues. Yes, it does.

I will definitely update y'all. Thank you. All right. Good talking with you. Y'all too. All right. Take care. Bye.

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Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV. Dude, this is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here.

If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Brav Bros. Good job. Okay. We also have an update from our caller, Lindsay.

She was on episode 572 of Ask Nick, and she wrote in because she was in love with her best friend, her male best friend, who had a girlfriend. And she kind of, right before writing in, had had a situation where she was at an event with him and she wanted to hook up with his roommate or one of his friends. And he'd been very against it, like almost kind of like possessive protective over her. Also, she saw she met his new girlfriend and this new girlfriend kind of looked like her. And she said in the past, all of his girlfriends have looked very different from

her so basically like these things had happened that were kind of making her think like wait but does he like me back like what's going on here um and so she wrote in and shared an update says hi nick in the household i'm sorry for my late response i meant to get back to you but things have been hectic uh and the situation with my best friend kept evolving because I kept seeing him. But now I think I finally have all the information I need. I did not tell him I had feelings for him for a few reasons. The main one being I don't want to ruin the friendship and make things awkward. And now I have concluded that these feelings were one sided. I've seen him a handful of times since we spoke. And each time we are both drunk at parties. I have used Nick's advice, but I wasn't sober

and his girlfriend was there, so I don't think I expressed myself best. He denied being upset at his birthday and making a scene when I was making out with his friend, so I just dropped it and continued having fun. After seeing him a few times, I'm just getting the vibe that he only sees me as a friend and that's okay.

I'd rather have him as a friend than make things weird and have nothing at all. The feelings I have subsided since we spoke, so I feel like I'm okay with this. Talking with you is so cathartic, and I feel relieved from these internalized feelings. Maybe things can change in the future if he is single and it feels right, but I'm just happy I got these feelings off my chest. Talking to you helped me process everything. Nick was spot on when he asked if we had chemistry or comfort, because while I do think we have chemistry, the majority of my feelings toward him were comfort. Two weeks ago, we were out and in the middle of a conversation, he saw someone he knew and just walked away to say hi when I was mid sentence.

Literally like Tom Schwartz and Katie. That was rude. Then last weekend was my birthday and he said he would celebrate with me and then last minute told me he couldn't come. I want a partner who will listen to me when I speak and will be dependable. I don't think he is the right partner for me. He also keeps shit talking his girlfriend to me. So that's a red flag. So with that being said, I'm good with whatever our friendship is and I'll keep holding out for the right one. Also, his friend just straight up ghosted me. Whatever. Who needs him? Right now, I'm working on myself mentally, emotionally, and physically, and finally starting to put myself out there fully. I'm on the apps,

but I'm not in a place where I'm 100% confident in myself, so making concrete dates has been a struggle for me. I think it's also a good thing that he and I just stay friends because if his feelings were mutual, I wouldn't want to give it a go, but I've been going through some self-exploration with my sexuality. Liking both girls and guys has always been on my mind, but I've been too scared to explore it. I think now is a good time when I'm not committed to anyone to figure out my sexuality. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me and let me get these feelings for my friend off my chest. All the best. Great.

My only suggestion, she's just stopping friends with him. Well, because like you always said, once feelings are in the mix, you're not really friends. You're not really friends. And again, like the fact that she can recognize comfort. She is someone who can feel that. In the past, he's filled the boyfriend role. She calls it a friend. But when we have like platonic friends of the opposite sex, when we're attracted to that opposite sex,

like even if it's platonic, they still fill the role, that boyfriend or girlfriend role. Go to dinner with, movies with, things like that, talk about feelings, and just generally get that opposite sex feeling of hanging out with someone. Instead of hanging out with the boys or the girls, if you're in a heterosexual relationship. So I just think being friends with them is only going to confuse her. I'm not saying you have to cut them off or ghost him, but I would, I would be, I wouldn't go out of your way to keep hanging out with them. I would pull back a little bit, you know, again, you don't have to have a breakup. I don't think you need to like, say, let's stop being friends. I think you could just slowly distance yourself and stop making yourself so available to hang out with for him to only let

she talk about a you know his girl and things like that because it sounds like it sounds like she's you know seen the light so to speak you know that comfort you know might get in a vulnerable spot where like he does something charming and she's like, Oh, you know, maybe and things like that. And like, I don't know. I just think there's more, more downside to upside than maintaining a relationship with this guy. And as I've always said, like at the end of the day,

he ain't coming to your kid's baptism. He's most likely not showing up at your wedding. You know, when you meet the guy who you want to like, and you're like, Hey, I want to bring Chuck. And you're like,

well, were you, did anything ever happen to Chuck? And you know, with Chuck and she's like, well, no, but we you're like well were you did anything ever happen to chuck and you know with chuck and she's like well no but we kind of like if you tell me if you tell the truth if you assuming you tell the truth which you should you're just like oh well i you know i called this one show and like a lot and i really liked him but then i only realized he'd be like no he's not coming you know i don't want him there i don't

want him at my wedding and you're gonna be like you know what fine because you're not going to pick that fight because it won't be worth it so So it's just you don't need this person in your life. Bye, Chuck. So slowly phase them out is my two cents. Chuck, bye. Oh, are you signing off? I was just saying goodbye to Chuck. How about that?

Let's get to our next caller. Welcome back, Sabrina. Hi. I'm Sabrina. I'm back. And last time I called in was to get some advice on breaking up with my boyfriend for years. Okay. Bring us up to speed about like just the reasons why you were thinking about breaking up with

your boyfriend. In fact, let's play a quick clip from the call. to remind our audience. How's it going? Okay. I am Sabrina. I'm 22 and I need advice on breaking up with my boyfriend almost five years. Okay. All right. So you're 22, five years, obviously first love. Yeah. Okay. Does he see it coming? No. The main reason that has sparked this all is that he refuses to come to my coworker's wedding with me because, uh, he won't know anyone there is the only reason. And it comes up a lot that he won't want to come to the things that I'm doing. Like, whether it be like my best friend's birthday dinner or a family event. And I'm always upset about those things.

And then he just says like, like, like selfish things like, well, why should I have to go? And then I get mad. And then like, he just says like stubborn things like break up with me then. Okay. And then I never do. Okay. All right. What else? Why else do you want to break up them i'm not saying that's not he sounds like a dick yeah we hate him um okay but i just i i just i need i want there to be more for you because i don't want you to break up with him with this narrative in your head that i'm breaking up with him because he won't go to my friend's wedding because that's such that's such an easy fix for him to do to get out of jail so to speak

and I am guessing that there are bigger more deep-rooted issues in this relationship and if you're gonna break up with them after five years I want you to do it with conviction about your choice and listen you're going to break up with them after five years, I want you to do it with conviction about your choice. And listen, you're going to go through periods of sadness and loneliness, maybe even thoughts of regret of your decision. But you've been in this guy for five years. You know who he is. And it's going to be a challenge for you to leave that relationship. it's going to be a challenge for you to leave that relationship. It's going to be very easy for both of you to continue to hook up and hang out and find your way back to each other. And this five-year relationship could turn into like a two-year breakup if you're not careful.

It's more that he doesn't care about what I'm interested in. Okay. And he doesn't make any attempts to care. He only cares about what he wants to care about what I'm interested in. Okay. And he doesn't make any attempts to care. He only cares about what he wants to care about and what benefits him. If I just say all these things about why I'm not feeling good about it, he's going to say, okay, well, if you don't like me how I am, then like, you can leave me then. And then I'm going to be like, I'm going to be the heartbroken one after five years that he won't even try to fight for me. You're going to be. Which is kind of toxic. We're all a little toxic.

You're going to be sad. I mean, you care. If you're both not sad, then there's something else going on with you guys. But his reactions don't matter. You know, they're going to matter. You've acknowledged that they might matter to your ego. But this is a relationship you want to leave. His reactions are just going to be that.

They're going to be reactions of him being shocked and surprised and not emotionally regulated and caught off guard and upset and triggered. None of them are really reflections of how he feels about you or the relationship. And none of that really matters. I need you to get it out of your head. This whole like goal of some sort of clean, beautiful breakup doesn't exist. And honestly, I don't think you want that. It's more confusing than you realize. It takes energy worrying about how he's reacting to your decision. It takes energy thinking about whether he misses you or not. It takes energy wondering how regretful he is over losing you. And that takes energy. And that's energy you won't have on actually you moving forward. Anytime you are wondering about him, you are,

you are still mentally in that relationship. And that's what I want to make sure you don't do. If you decide to leave. Now we're back. All right. But nevertheless, in your words, what were the reasons why you were thinking about breaking up with your boyfriend? And yeah, let's start there. so i just felt like i wasn't being treated right and like i didn't feel like he was cared about my interests um and just didn't really like care too much about what i was doing or and i just wasn't feeling loved okay more or less uh what was the advice that we gave you? The advice that I mainly took away hearing it from you was that just like to not worry about the outcome and like stop predicting and to just like do it and work with what happens. And I can't be worried about like his reactions.

I just have to like do what's best for me. Yeah. And he was like busy with work and you wanted to do it in person type of thing. And he wasn't really, you didn't think he was going to expect it or did he, did he dare you to break up with him or something like that? Or like in the, in the past he had like some like,

okay, well if you're, if you don't want that, then just break up, just break up with me type of thing. He wasn't treating you right. Obviously. Oh.

And then he, wait, he didn't, what was in the big thing? He wasn't treating you right obviously oh and then he wait he didn't what wasn't the big thing he wasn't unwilling to go to your friend's wedding yeah okay yeah yeah that's like kind of what sparked like me thinking more into like okay what's going on here yeah and yeah he was he wasn't hanging he just everything was on his schedule kind of thing. All right. So selfish. Are you in a relationship? I am. I was so scared to come back here and talk to you guys. Honestly, like I was.

All right. Well, what happened? Well, proud of you for showing up. Yeah. I wanted to be honest, you know,

fill in the group. But so finally I was just like, you what I'm I can't push this off any longer like I just need to do it so I basically did it like late in the night because when he got home from work I was like I have to I cannot feel this way anymore and so basically he just reacted like nothing I predicted so it was, so dumb of me to just think into the future. Well, not dumb of me, because the way that he was like, acting with me, I expected like nothing from him, right? So I just assumed that it would be a breakup. And then he actually was like, owned up to everything. And I felt like I just spent three hours telling him

every single thing that I didn't like about him and he was just like you're right you're right and he owned up to everything was like I'm so selfish like I'm immature I need to grow up like I've not been treating you right I like I saw this coming I just like didn't think it would actually come and so at this point I was like, shit, like I did not thought it would be an argument. I'd be able to like get out of there. And halfway through, I was like, oh, my God, like, what am I going to say to Nick? I was like scared. Well, here's my question to you.

I mean, who gives a shit what I think, right? I mean, ultimately, we just want you to be happy. How did that make you feel hearing what he had to say? And do you believe him? Because how we react in the moment isn't necessarily how we're going to react in the long term, you know? But that being said, maybe this is a wake up call, so to speak. I find it interesting and odd that he can say to you i saw this coming and yet well why didn't you not like do you not respect me or love me enough to

want to treat me the way you think i should be treated without me having to threaten to break up with you you know because like this this isn't sustainable like you only get and by you i mean you sabrina you know you only get this kind of break glass in case of emergency option you only get to use that like kind of once before it really loses its impact you only get to threaten to leave the relationship once before next time you threaten the relationship. Now he knows all he has to do is be like, oh my God, you're totally right.

I need to work on things and blah, blah, blah. And he's going to be thinking that it'll buy him more time. So since you guys are still together, what I'm really interested in hearing from you is how did that conversation end and what expectations were discussed between the two of you about how both of you plan to proceed going forward and holding each other accountable to meet the expectations of the other person going forward without making the other person constantly nag and remind of how their needs are being met. Yeah, so in the moment, I did really try to be like, no, it's not enough, it's not enough. And then eventually I was like, okay, I believe you,

but actions speak louder than words so it's like it's gonna need some time like i did believe he was genuine oh yeah i believe i believe him too i believe that he believes it you know right so after that i was like okay well maybe like let's just take a few days to chill because i was really confused because i told him like i was like i was i packed your shit at my house like as i thought this was going to be a breakup because i had no expectations from you yeah didn't you have all the girls lined up ready to like have your back oh my god what are your friends i had to call each one of them one by one i'm like listen to this and i like, I was so honest with him about like how I didn't

even know he cared about me this much. And he was like, I'm so sorry. Like that it's my fault that you felt that way. And so we took a few days and then I like came back to it and I was kind of like, I need to know what you're going to do now because I believe that you're genuine, but like, how are we going to actually see this through? And like, you say all these nice things, but like, I need, I need to know plan because like, I'm already feeling like, oh, it's a week of bliss or whatever. And now what if one thing comes up and I'm like, Hey, I didn't like this. Like, is it going to be defensive again? And then I'm going to start bottling it up and it's going to hit the breaking point again. And if that does happen, then I know that like it's done right so it's like we'll see

now but so then we took like a day after that and i mentioned that like just to give him an idea because i know that like i think differently than he does but i was like weekly check-ins is kind of like an idea of something we could do together but i'd like him to come up with some things on his own. Is he going to go to the wedding with you? Yeah. Okay. That's a start. Yeah.

What about couples therapy? I did suggest it and he was open to it. I even suggested coming on here, but he told me he'd rather speak to a professional, but I was like, oh, well, I bet I could get him to come on this, honestly. Okay. Well, Tom, I'm offended. No, I'm not a professional. It's fine.

I'm just really good at what I do. That's what I said. You got to stay on him. Yeah. But I don't want to be the fixer. Exactly. That was like a tough line. Yeah, totally.

You get it. Right. So you got to stay on him, but hopefully he wants to do this. He needs to be the one saying couples therapy. He needs the one to check in with you. He needs to be the one who's saying, hey, babe, you know, a month from now, I just want to check in with you and just say, you know, how are you doing? Like, how are we doing? I feel like, you know, I'm putting a lot of effort, but like,

is this what you want? You know, again, be sure to compliment him, you know, be sure to reassure him and let him know how grateful you are for doing the things that if he does things that, you know, you appreciate and are grateful for, that's, you know, you want to make things that, you know, you appreciate and are grateful for, that's, you know, you want to make sure that, you know, it's like, again, it's that fine line between holding him accountable and taking advantage of the power you now have. Because what's happened here, you've heard me talk a lot about it on the show, is like there's been a switch in power, right? For the longest time, he had the power. He was just like, nope, not going to your wedding, not going into this. And yeah, you would get mad

or sad, but you essentially had just internalized your frustration and you put up with it and you dealt with it. And it was a you problem because you just, well, you dealt with it, right? And he, and breaking up with him wasn't an option. So he had the power because he knew you weren't going to break up with him and he got to do whatever the fuck he wanted, right? Without fear of losing you. Now that's shifted. You have taken your power back by saying, you know what? I am going to break up with you.

I am not okay with this. I had my bags packed. I had the girls ready to support me. I am done. And now you have this power. And it's really important that you don't do the same thing he did to you, which is something that a lot of people do, right? Now that you have your power, you get power hungry. It's like, well, fuck you. I dealt with your shit forever. I want you to squirm a little bit. I want you to feel a little unsafe in this relationship the same way I felt unsafe for so long. But you can't do that, unfortunately, because the goal of a relationship is to be equals, to be connected, to be on the same level. not taking advantage of the power that you have. So again, just be sure to reassure him, compliment him, show your appreciation, show your gratitude.

Hopefully he's doing the same in return. Check in with one another, prioritize the us and the we and staying connected and see where it goes. But how old is he again? 23. Okay. Still young. You know, and I, that's the only thing that I'm worried for you. It's just like, I'm really curious how he is going. If he meets your expectation, I'm really curious if he

is going to feel fulfilled in this relationship. Yeah. And it's not a you thing. It's just like, does 23-year-old him, does he really want to be in the type of relationship that you want? Because he's agreeing to do this right now because he knows that's what you want. And that's what he, he now, you made it very clear. It's what you need to be in this relationship. But his actions leading up to this conversation showed that what he wanted was independence and freedom to do whatever the fuck he wanted and yada yada and hang out with his friends and all those things. And I'm really curious if in six months, can he meet your expectations of the relationship and still be happy? I guess, you know, and I guess time will tell. happy, I guess, you know, and I guess time will tell, but just prepare yourself that him meeting your expectations, you know, people could say they need to grow up all the time,

but they might not want to grow up. Well, that's one of the things I was saying when he was like, not fighting me on it, but like arguing me saying like, I will do it. Like, I'm, I want to do this for you. I was like, but like, you don't have to, like, there's going to be some people who it's easy for them to do it. It's not a chore for them to do it. Like, and I like like, but like, you don't have to, like, there's going to be some people who it's easy for them to do it. It's not a chore for them to do it. Like, and I like saying, maybe we're like, we're, maybe we're just not right for each other. Like, because someone will willingly want to do these things for me.

And somebody may not care if you don't do these things for them. And he's like, no, no, I want to do them. And I was like, yeah, he's got to want to, because if it feels like he's only doing it for you, he's just going to get tired of it. He's just going to be like, you know what? And I'm also everything he does for the relationship. Can't feel like a chore. Like relationships are about sacrifice, but if you constantly feel like you're sacrificing for your partner, it gets old. And that's where a compatibility comes in. You have every right to expect what you want in relationship, but it doesn't mean the person you want to be with is capable of giving you what you want or even wants the same thing.

And they might like the idea of the relationship and they might love you because you have a history. But to your point, like you said to him, if he constantly feels like he doesn't get to do what he wants to do. And honestly, that's just a matter of perspective. You have to love hanging out with your partner. You have to love spending time with your partner. And unfortunately, there's a lot of young people who just like having a boyfriend and girlfriend to fill in the gaps of all the other things they want to do.

So that because they just don't want to be alone. I brought that up. I was like, we have like I used a lot of the words that you guys helped me work on right like we have different expectations of relationship that's totally fine like like like what you just said if he just needed like to fill in the gaps like there's someone out there who's gonna be okay with that but he was like no like i like want to be with you and hang out with you and you're my best friend. I was like, but like, I don't feel that way. So if you think that I am, then like, you need to show me that more because I had no idea that you even felt like that.

Well, good for you. I mean, listen, I think no matter what, it was positive that you finally spoke your, your truth, so to speak. It sounds like you feel a lot more seen and heard by your partner. That's really important. Time will tell. Yeah. You know, if this will last, I mean, you know, what's a few more months you've been dating for three or four years. I always felt like in relationships that didn't work out for me, I was always glad that I stayed in them maybe a little longer than I realized I should have after I was out of them. But I never

had regrets. I never left. I've all my relationships ever had. I have no regrets. And everyone prior to the one I'm in now, I know I definitely like dragged it out longer than it should, but I just, that I had the confidence that I did everything I could. I fought, I worked, I put up with shit, you know, I really tried. It's not to say that I was perfect or everything, but I just know that I fucking tried. No one could ever accuse me of not really trying and doing whatever I could to do to save that relationship. And quite frankly, I don't know if my exes could always say the same thing, but that's their truth and that's their journey.

It doesn't really matter at this point. So no matter what happens, it sounds like you're going to have the peace of mind that if this doesn't work out, you did whatever you fucking could. You tried, you put it out there you gave him clemency or whatever um you know you gave him a stay of execution so to speak and if you finally get to a point where you're like you know what this isn't it for me you will know that you absolutely tried and you won't be wondering well should i could i have done this or should i have done this he might but that will be his problem if it gets to that point. Yeah. That's one of the things I was thinking about, like obviously

taking some time to reflect on like him, his and I conversation. And I was thinking like, truly what is a few more months? Like it, like I'll always wonder if like this could either be like the best thing that I've ever done for our relationship is have this conversation, or it's going to be like, yeah, what you said, it's going to solidify in the future. Like, okay, I did, I assessed all options and I'm like happy with my decision. So I think I'll, I'll come to terms with that later on this summer, probably like one of the things he did say when he was like fighting for his case was like like give me the summer and we can come back and rethink and talk about everything and i did appreciate that i don't

really like the timeline and things like that but like like that's fine yeah continuing to talk about it yeah he's just kind of maybe it's just maybe structure for him yeah you know maybe it's what he knows how to keep him but at least hey that's a guy trying to make a plan so that's something that's something you know um but we'll just see at the end of the day i think the message is i just want to feel like you enjoy meeting my expectations yeah i want him to be happy and making me happy you know yeah every once in a while we're gonna have you're in a relationship you're just like you know taking one for the. And it's usually around holidays where you agree to like not hang out with your family and go hang out with theirs.

And it's fine. And even if you like their family, it's not your family. And, you know, maybe you're, you know, I'm sure there's people out there who love their in-laws more than they even like their family. But I'm just saying sacrifices are necessary, but they shouldn't be the norm. The norm should be, I love spending time with you. And how can I make you happy? And it's not a sacrifice to be here. I want to be here. I want to be with you. I want to go out with you. I want to go to this wedding with you. I want to do things with you all the time. And every once in a while, I want to spend time with my boys or

my friends. And I want you to hang out with your girls and we will have a balance. But like, I want to miss you when I'm not with you. And I, you want to feel missed. You want to feel needed, you know, and hopefully he feels the same way and you guys will just figure it out together. Yeah. I definitely feel like I know it's only been a week, but like, I feel like he truly understood where it was coming from. And I think that's like the first step. Like he wasn't like, fine, I get it. I'll do it.

Like he like really heard me and I feel a lot better about myself because I just don't have that guilt or like pressure weighing on me anymore. And I can just go about my life and like kind of, yeah, you have the power now. I mean, you can feel that too, right?

Like you feel a little bit more like, yeah, I can boss moss mode. I'm trying to be thoughtful though. Like I'm telling him, I'm like, I'm not going to stop doing like the things I did for you. I just want you to like, be willing to do those things for me too. Absolutely. Yeah. No, I think this is great. Like you don't need to break up with him for us, whatever, as long as you're happy. But I think the important thing here is that you stood up for yourself and you finally spoke your truth and you finally stopped putting up with his bullshit because you were afraid of leaving the relationship and we we we just never be we can't be afraid to enforce a boundary and enforcing the boundary with a partner sometimes often means the willingness

to walk away, you know, and we don't want to be hanging that over their head. But if we feel like our, we're in relationships with people who just are unafraid of us leaving them, well, unfortunately those people can often take us for granted. And, you know, you have proven yourself a willingness to hold your ground and stand up for yourself. And it doesn't sound like you back down. It sounds like he surprised you and, and made a lot of promises. And you're at least willing to see if he can live up to those promises. Definitely surprised me. All right. Well, good luck. We'll see. I appreciate your guys' help beforehand. Well, please keep us posted. We'd love to follow the story as it evolves. But I think what you're going through right now at the age that you're going through it, incredibly relatable for people. And I think people are very much invested in the outcome of this relationship.

So keep us posted. If he ever wants to come on together, we'd love to have you. But most importantly, good luck with everything. All right. Thank you guys again so much. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Well, thanks for listening, guys. Always love bringing these updates. Don't forget, we have more updates behind Vile Files Plus. If you haven't subscribed yet, you are missing so many episodes and so many updates. So much fun is awaiting for you behind Vile Files Plus. It's free to sign up.

Go to vilefiles.com. Right on the front page, it's just a couple clicks away. You can listen to those episodes the same way you listen to Vile Files Classic. Hope you check it out. Trust me when I say it is worth your time. Other than that, we'll see you back on Monday. Bye.