The Viall Files - E605 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Fakes His Orgasms

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss Goodnight Ettique between romantic partners. Should there be an expectation to receive and send a goodnight text? If so, at what stage in the relationship is that expectation established? We then share our Breakup Song of the Week.  Our first caller recently discovered her boyfriend flipped the script and has been faking his orgasms. She isn’t sure how to broach the topic without making him feel even more insecure. Our second caller can’t understand why she keeps getting ghosted by her close female friends. This self-proclaimed “guy’s girl” wants more female friendships, but can’t figure out why these women keep cutting her out of their lives. Our final caller can’t get over her dream guy - a 40-year old virgin who’s waiting for marriage but can’t seem to find the perfect woman to finally do it with.  “He’s a Christian trapped in a F*ck Boy’s body.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Grammarly - Go to http://www.Grammarly.com/GO to download and learn more about GrammarlyGO.  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/VIALL.  Shopify - Sign up for a $1 a month trial period at http://www.shopify.com/viall.  Paramount - Paramount Plus. Stream Now.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. Hope you're all having a safe and wonderful holiday Happy 4th of July for all you tuning in During the holiday season I'm here with the household of Allie, Amanda, and Derek How's everyone doing? I like that it's a holiday season Well, you know It's just one day

Why can't 4th of July No, not really 4th of July is a bit of a season It's a barbecue holiday season Yeah, and like depending on when 4th of July falls It's on a Tuesday It's summer No one's working today It's a Monday mostly You you know right like so it's a bit of it is kind of the and i say

this as a jew it is kind of like the christmas of summer fourth of july it really is it really is would you agree with that it is for me you're a midwesterner i feel like you'd have more gumption for the fourth of july i like fourth of july i just have never heard it referred to as a season it's like how did we get here where you have to defend like Ingrid? What the fuck, Allie? Okay. But yeah, not a season to you. Well, we appreciate you tuning in.

I know you probably could be out somewhere enjoying some sun, enjoying some family, but maybe everyone just got annoying and you missed us. So thanks for listening. And maybe you're tuning in after the 4th of July. Either way, we are glad that you chose us uh what are we getting into amanda i wanted to talk about good night etiquette okay in terms of in relationships because for me that has always been such a clear marker of like like all my old journals like the good night milestone of like when you get to a point where you're saying goodnight every night. And I feel like with nowadays, like the dating climate,

so many people get there before they're like having any kinds of conversations about like, what are we? Are we seeing other people? Like I feel like people will say goodnight to each other every night before having a conversation about exclusivity. And so I was I wanted to hear people's thoughts on kind of like, of all what your expectations are surrounding like good night from a partner so like someone you are like officially labeled and dating like if they're away sleeping together what are you like in the same bed are we talking in the same bed are we talking like texting we're texting yeah we're talking like when you're not sleeping in the same bed good nights for early dating you you thought we were asking like if you go to bed with

someone are you supposed to let them know like good night? Are you just supposed to drop off the face of the earth and then suddenly you're asleep? Irish exit. Literally. I think there's no, I think there's probably a lot of married couples listening to this who don't even say good night anymore. Yeah.

I'm sad. Oh, I thought it was one of the things I thought it was so sweet. I think it was Danielle said it was she was like, we every day like we go back and forth on like something we're grateful for today with our kids. Right. Like something like one highlight from the day of like parenting. And she was saying it in the context of like, especially because we'd gone in being like we have two young kids right now. Like our relationship is not going to be able to exist in the way it existed before. And we know we want to come back to this. But right now we just need need to channel a ton of energy into parenting. And I thought that was such a cute little goodnight ritual. So you do make a good point that there are people who, even though

sleeping in the same bed are not saying goodnight. But if we focus on the virtual goodnights, what do we, does it go without saying that your partner owes you a goodnight? No, I don't know if i'm supposed to say yes or no i don't think it's it's an expectation you should naturally expect that's fascinating because i so thought that it was just on everyone's radar as like yeah like you you sneeze and then you say excuse me or like you know what i mean like i thought it was dating someone for let's say six weeks i mean you know if like if you define the relationship you say, excuse me. You know what I mean? I thought it was such a... But if you're dating someone for, let's say, six weeks, I mean, you know, if you define the relationship, you'd think, oh, there's usually some excitement around that.

So you're like, oh my God, good night, I love you. You know, that whole like, you get off the phone, shit like that. But yeah, you know... He's not a big good night person, Nick, because he's told me that in the past. He's like, throw him for a curveball. Stop saying good night.

Every so often, just don't tell him goodnight and see how he responds your goodnights are leverage like you make a big it's like unless it's communicated i don't think you should assume okay so you should assume i think it's an if it's an expectation that you want it's reasonable and it should be communicated say you know i really like it when we end each day saying goodnight to one another. Could we do that? I think that is a very reasonable ask. I don't think you should ever just assume or expect it. I think it'd be weird if your partner's like, well, I don't like doing that. Then you'd be like, okay. Is there a reason why this is such an inconvenience like you know but it just might not be on their radar you know because like to think of like oh i didn't say good night yet you know like i don't

know like some people are a little bit more independent you know maybe you're dating someone who hasn't had a partner in two or three years which is that isn't that uncommon these days you know i think me more more and more people are used to being single based off of a choice they made or they just haven't found someone. And when you're single, you become far more independent. You're just not saying goodnight to people. It's not part of your routine. And so if it's not top of mind, you just might not think about it. Just communicate it. Allie, I feel like you've been in some situations if it's not like top of mind you just might not think about it just communicate it ali i feel like you've been in some situations where it's been like long distance yeah but like

there's definitely been whether it's been like labels or whether there's been like communication like it's definitely been like clear involvement like how do you feel like what are your like good night expectations like does it just happen naturally or is it something you tend to communicate with people it once this started happening with Like, does it just happen naturally or is it something you tend to communicate with people? Once this started happening with Promising Young Man, it just stayed. And I feel like it was important because we're in different time zones.

We're in completely different states and cities. I never knew, like, sometimes he would, like, work night shifts or he'd work during the day. I'm like, I don't know. I don't have his locations.

I don't know if he's at the hospital or if he's home. Like, it just was, like, so nice to know when he was signing off. And then there was usually, like, a good morning so he'd be back online.

But yeah, but you didn't communicate those expectations. No, but we just both did it. There's like an unspoken, like compatibility thing until we broke up. Sure. Yeah.

No, but I remember it like stopped before you broke up. Well, I mean, his communication really changed. Yeah. Yeah. Which I feel like is,

I think it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, I had a dream about him last night. I told Amanda, I was like, I woke think it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, I get triggered. I had a dream about him last night. I told Amanda. I was like, I woke up and I was so sad. Was it, wait, do you want to talk at all

about the dream? Like, feel free to say. It was just like we were back together and it was good. And then when you woke up, like, how are you? And now he's with someone else.

I'm so sorry, Queen. That's really tough. Like when you like get wrenched out of it and you're like, wait, emotionally what just happened to me? Oh, we're not together. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I think you just start hating him like me. Yeah, you never, yeah, Nick has a form of fierce loyalty to you. It's like, I've never said a good word about promising young men. I'll never forget when I showed Nick pictures of him and Nick was like, huh?

Really? Okay. Well, I think after we heard about the airport communication. Well, I didn't. I never heard. I never heard. I never heard you brag about his behavior. That's not true.

I think earlier on you did. Absolutely. Like, not in a point that I was, like, overwhelmed. Like, wow, you have a good one. No, I wasn't overwhelmed by his behavior. No. And only to, like, you know, see his face. I was like, what's the catch? What am I...

What are we having a hard time letting go of? Everything. No, but literally nothing. No, he treated me really well at the beginning. He treated you fine. Nuh-uh. I'll fight. I literally would have married this man.

Derek, do you say goodnight every single night? I know you have a long-distance relationship. What is your unspoken or spoken policy surrounding goodnight? How did you get into your routine, if you have a routine? I think it's something that you just assume and it grows up in something that you do. but i think it's kind of a trust thing i don't think we say good night as much unless it's like i think if you're like out or doing something then it's

kind of like nice to do a good night there's like a sink but it's one of those things where it's like if you know someone's home it's like oh like you know like we both work hard so sometimes you just randomly fall asleep it's not like you know it's like one of those things where it is a nice sink point but further and further into a relationship if you guys don't do it it's not like a disappointment it's not an expectation it's also okay in a relationship to say hey i've noticed that we just like we've gotten away from this and it could just be a vehicle to like again stay more connected like you can you know like the once you get in a relationship is that derek mentioned you just you know it's like yeah

you know like i fell asleep on the couch or whatever and then you just like stop doing a thing that you would always do and yeah like i think there's a difference between uh wait why didn't you say good night to me last night and getting mad about it and creating a fight over it versus saying hey like i'd like to try to do, I'd like for us to make an effort and doing this more effort with each other so that, you know, we're just, you know, ending our day and starting our day by, by checking in with one another so much again, is it about delivery? But yeah, I just don't think it's something you should assume. And when it, when it slows down, just ask if it's something you guys can incorporate without saying, we never do this anymore.

Why don't we do this? We never do it. You know, because it sounds that even when you say we, it sounds like you never do this. And yeah, I want to do this. You know, be like, could we start? Could we work on this together? Yeah. Something I would love if we tried this.

And then like then if they have a problem, that's weird. God willing, or God forbid, God forbid they do. God willing we all break up with each other and end in heartbreak. And we're all single and we're all happy and we're communal and we're all in a relationship together.

But should you be going through a breakup, whether it's goodnight related or otherwise, and you need a song to listen to, please... When you're dreaming about your ex as if you're still together a year later. Yeah, and you need a playlist that speaks to your sorrows, direct you to our breakup song of the week. As a reminder, this is available on our Instagram. It's a highlight.

So if you go to our page, it is right under like little bio section above our posts. And the breakup song of this week is Part of Me by Noah Kahan. Noah's latest album, Stick Season, is what made him popular. But I came across the song from one of our older albums this person wrote. So they want us to know this is a deep cut. They're an OG fan. The lyrics that they highlighted are, I bring up our resident reader. Put that font in overdrive.

If anyone knows a good LASIK surgeon, slide into my DMs. All right. You were only a minute of my time. I don't miss you. I miss the way you made me feel. That's it? Yeah, those are the lyrics. Wow, that was not challenging.

You never know. You never know. I'm playing it safe. It's two words. Amanda's like our resident lyric reader. You were only a minute of my time. Yep. No, you made the right call.

You kept it flowing. Thank you. And the person who submitted this said, I feel like this is a very good situation chip breakup song. Having to tell yourself that they weren't the right person for you and you weren't with them for very long but missing the feeling of being with someone also my recent ex situation chips birthday is next week and thanks to nick advice nick's advice i'm staying strong and i'm not going to text him happy birthday good job but yeah i feel like it's real if uh it's not love it's just toxic stimulation in terms of that feeling that you're missing it's not love, it's just toxic stimulation in terms of that feeling that you're missing.

All right. Well, we have a great week lined up for you, even though it is the 4th of July season. Tomorrow, we have the Bachelor Recap Dose with fan favorite, friend of show, Kathy Kelly is with us. Woo! To get into all the nonsense that is this season.

Super much, very much enjoying this season. If you haven't given this season a try yet, so far, so great. I'm really entertained by Charity. I think in the best possible way, she's a little more messy and a little more toxic than I anticipated. I'm sure she'll figure it all out.

She is obviously an intelligent queen, but I am enjoying her making some bad decisions for herself, at least early on in this season so if you're you're not watching i i highly recommend giving it a shot uh and then also we have marie forleo on thursday's episode of going deeper marie a very successful life coach uh she's got the oprah stamp of approval so if you ever were gonna go a life coach make sure that oprah agrees with them anyways is a life coach, make sure that Oprah agrees with them. Anyways, as a life coach skeptic out there, I enjoy my conversation with Marie. It's really

an episode about just being your best self and how to reach those points of your life and ways to get yourself out of a rut if you're feeling like you might be in one. So we thought that'd be a great conversation to have over this holiday week. And then we're back next week with Scott Evans, brother of Chris Evans. Ooh, Scott is starring in the new Barbie movie. And so really looking forward to talking with Scott, probably about his brother a lot, about his time on the Barbie set,

working with Ryan Gosling and working with Margot Robbie. Anyways, that should be a real fun episode with Scott. I can tell about the one time I saw him at the Golden Globes with his brother and I was staring at him awkwardly for like 10 minutes. So be sure to check out that. Don't forget to send in all those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, all of the above. Don't forget, for all the people who love your updates, we have two more bonus updates

every month in addition to the one you're getting on Vile Files Classic behind Vile Files Plus. If you haven't checked it out yet, trust me, you are missing out.

It's free to sign up. You can try it for seven days for free. Just go to vilefiles.com, click on the Vile Files Plus tab. It's super easy to sign up and you can listen to it the same way you're listening

to this episode. So, it's amazing. Check it out. We love you. Let's get to our call. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, my name

is Emma. I'm 26 and I don't understand why my boyfriend is faking his orgasms. Okay, wow. How do you know he's faking his orgasms. Okay. Wow. Uh, how do you, well, how do you know he's faking an orgasm?

Okay. So what's funny is obviously women are the ones typically faking the orgasms, right? Not in this case. Um, so he, he pulls out and goes into a towel, like a little white towel.

I'm sure this is not. Hopefully he's not the only one that does this pull out method. I guess you want to say whatever. So he brings a towel. He has. Well, we live together. But in his little like bedside table, he has like a bunch of white little towels for this purpose. But he I'm not kidding.

Bought in bulk at Costco, like little white white little towels for this purpose that he i'm not kidding bought in bulk at costa like little white like little towels you would use like wash your car he's done it ever since when we started dating almost three years ago but what's weird is one of my exes did the same thing so i didn't think it was weird i don't know he's very worried about like getting people pregnant So he said he's always done this Okay well that's Okay how do you know he's Is that a different question? No how do you know he's faking it though

So he is He has these towels And then you guys are having sex Goes into his little drawer of towels Pulls out his towel He's just pumping pumping And then grabs a towel covers his dick and then does he give out like a fake uh the kind of well sure like a normal noise yeah right like

well he'll like pull out or if i'm on top of like get off get off right so then he can fucking do his thing or whatever he yells at you to get off to pull out essentially or you know just so he can push me off right get off you know i'm gonna whatever and then goes in a towel but you looked in the towel so if i so i sometimes have asked to do it on me some women like that so he'll do that but i would say in the last month or so i don't know what started me thinking he was faking it i think that it was he got i'm gonna get really graphic here get into it he got soft halfway through and that has happened before he's not old right he's just older than me he's not like how old is he he's he's third almost 35 he's not old i get it you're not you're not

you're older than 35 nick i get it thank for reminding me. But it's not old. But anyway, he will get, he got soft halfway through. I had, he's like, needs my help doing whatever he needs me to do to fix it. And then. So he wants you to suck his dick. Yes. And, or go in the position that he prefers. We don't agree on the best position, right?

Nor do you have to. So we have to go in his position. No, I i agree but when we both get our way right we do mine and then we do his and that's great so one time he went soft halfway through and i felt it obviously and then towards towards the end i felt it getting soft again and i could tell whenever he gets soft halfway through he gets a little insecure and i can tell he's like it it's, it's, I don't know, I'm tired or, or he'll like make up an excuse. Cause I think he does get insecure about it. And which is, I totally, and I'm very open about all this stuff with him. Like we're okay about it. It's not that big of a deal. It's really not. I totally empathize with it. So anyway, towards the end, I felt him get soft again.

And then I felt him like essentially not, I didn't know if it was fake, but obviously in my head, I thought it might have been because afterwards he threw the towel in the laundry and then went downstairs and this is maybe toxic of me but i went to go feel it and it was bone dry completely bone dry front and back i'm literally rubbing up rubbing my hand all over you're putting it on your face you're like scrubbing your face just to make sure i'm like okay i don't know whatever like maybe that was maybe he felt like he was going soft again and didn't want me to have to do what i you know maybe he was getting insecure like that's all right and then it happened again like a week later and or maybe like a week and a half later i don't know and i checked it again and it was dry like, okay, this is like pissing me off now. And then again, so anyway, I'm out of town and I wanted to for eight days and I wanted to have great sex before

I left. And so we were doing it. And then I'm like, this was another fake. So afterwards I feel it and it was fake. I'm like, great. Now I'm going away for eight days and I'm thinking like, well, that sucks. And, and what's weird, or I guess not weird, good is that I often don't have to fake it. I often do. And maybe that's why he knows I already have. And so then he's thinking like, well, she's over it now. I'm just going to fake it. So it's over. Have you ever faked an orgasm? Plenty. Okay. You know, with men. Why do you fake an orgasm? Because I want them to feel like they've accomplished something or I know, hey, you know what? This isn't it. I'm not going to.

So I'm just going to fake it. So he thinks I did. And I know I'm not going. Well, so why would a man? So is it the same thing then? Is that what he's doing? I mean, I assume yes. I mean, usually, you know, what is it?

Actum's razor. The most simplest explanation is the is the correct one. And yes, I mean, you know, society has this double standard or whatever you want to call it that it is incredibly easy for men to climax whenever. You know, they're just walking hard-ons and if you touch their dick, it'll explode full of cum or whatever the fuck, you know?

And I think as young people hooking up there's always this like expectation for men climaxing you know even the point i think women you know i think young women or maybe women of all ages will wrongly decide that that sex for them is about getting a guy off because there's that sense of accomplishment there's like this tangible thing of well i got him to get off so therefore i'm good at sex or therefore he loves me or therefore he's attracted to me all these things right yeah same reason again why you know like why women might fake orgasms you know part of the reason was why is like just like biologically speaking it is very difficult for the majority of women to climax via penetrative sex or it's and for other women it's just difficult to climax period you know there could be past trauma or

whatever you know these a lot of variables that come into it right and so so why is he doing again like yeah he's there's a probably like you said you sense a sense of embarrassment you know there is you know it's just like i think every guy wants their dick to work like it always did when they were 19 uh he could be stressed out he he just like he not he might not be able to maintain the erection here's my guess first if he's having sex with you and he's unable to maintain the reaction first, the first insecurity is, why isn't my dick working the way I want it to? Right? The second insecurity is, what is she going to think about this?

The third insecurity is, is I going to make her feel like I don't desire her? So he has three worries right off the bat. I got to make her feel like I don't desire her. You know, all the, you know, so he has like three worries right off the bat, you know? So just like you, you're thinking like, Oh, well,

it's just fucking easier just to like fake the orgasm. It's not about him. It has nothing to do with him. I'm just, it's not going to happen for me. I'm tired. It's, this is last of two log.

There's too much chafing going on. Now it's gotten uncomfortable. I'm starting to get sore you know all these things that are and you're just like fuck it you know you're so hot baby and again it literally has nothing to do with him in some cases right but you're just like that's for everyone's sake i'm just gonna like pretend this was the best sex ever and move on that's that's my guess on the why but all that aside you just fucking ask him and i know it's a sensitive subject i don't want him to i know because then he's gonna know that i reached into the laundry got the towel felt it up and down both sides like he's gonna know that i did that and i feel like

he's gonna be like why are you like testing me or why are you like going behind my back and doing it's a it's an awkward conversation but first i don't think you say that first it's kind of like hey babe can i ask you a vulnerable question have you ever faked an orgasm with me see what he says if he lies to you then you have to hit him with the like listen i i know it's gonna sound fucking weird but like the reason why i checked the towel and i didn't see anything in it and listen it's oh it's babe it's okay it's like i fucking love you there's nothing going there's nothing wrong i just want to talk to you about something i want to talk to you about our sex life i am not accusing you of anything i love you i love your dick you're amazing i just like i'm just a little and i just want us to talk about these these things at times and you just have to do your best to not make him feel attacked

like you can only do so much and he's going to have to work on how he responds when he's feeling a little vulnerable and insecure and a little defensive. Like the end of the day, he's just going to have to like man up and have an awkward conversation with his girlfriend. Yeah. Well, what's the resolution? Cause this, cause I mean, on top of this, he's also just not that sexual and we have sex, not as much as I would like to. And I, I think often it's because his libidos, or I don't know, is that what it's called for men? I'm not sure.

But it's not as, yeah, it's, I'm younger and I don't know, I don't know, but it's just not where I would like it to be. And then on top of it, he'll go through spells where it's just like the soft issue. And then now this thing. And so I'm like, is there more to it? Like my friends and I, which this is obviously a joke,

I'm joking, I should drug to it? Like my friends and I, which this is obviously joke. I'm joking. I should drug him with some sort of pill, which obviously I would never do that. So wrong. But like there's some like there's is. But I would never want to tell him, man, hey, you have a erectile dysfunctional problem and you need to go to the doctor. Like, no, that's not my thing. He might not have. I mean, I'm not a fucking dick doctor.

So I don't i have no idea but i just because he doesn't hold a an erection a hundred percent of the time through sex i don't think means he has ed you know i think that's far more common than not common and again like you know listen after you have sex your whole fucking life and you have sex with the same person for a period of time, like you're going to have to kink it up a little bit. Otherwise, like straight up missionary or whatever. It's just kind of like tell him. So, OK, so then that's the next question. How do you how do you he is not like that.

He's just very he likes it his way and he's not very kinky and it's a little bit uncomfortable for him i feel like yeah i you know i mean he's these are these issues that couples have to talk through you have the right to have your needs met in a relationship whatever those needs are and and in most people's relationships under that category of needs comes like physical touch and sex and things like that now within reason it's not reasonable for you to be like i want to get fucked every day you know five times a day it's like okay well maybe that's a you problem right but there's a there's a balance there and you have the right to be like hey babe like i just i want us to explore more intimacy and i want us to kind of get outside of the box

and like it might not be his first thing but like he also should want to meet your needs. Yeah. And if he gets weird about it and he's like, no, I'm doing it my way, then that's obviously a red flag, I guess. Right? Yeah. He's just like, well, no, I fuck how I want and I don't want to do that.

Well, then that's a potential compatibility issue. Yeah. You know, he's got to be willing to try. It's not like you're asking to do anything crazy. And then listen like again i don't know much about it but i think there are supplements out there that he probably could take to enhance his sex drive that doesn't necessarily mean he has ed i don't you know yeah i do i think some people take it recreationally again i don't little about it, so maybe I'm speaking out of turn.

But he could talk to a doctor and be like, hey, listen, sometimes I have sex with my girlfriend, and sometimes I lose my heart on half between sex. I'm willing to guess his doctor most likely will say that can happen. It's probably stress. There's nothing there's nothing wrong with you but if you're looking for a little punch i could subscribe you some you know whatever i don't know viagra or there's i think there's a variety of supplements out there and he can decide whether he wants to to try that or not but i think step one i think you just need to have an honest conversation with him about, has he ever faked an orgasm? And then hopefully he just admits it right off the bat.

And then you can, and maybe you say like, listen, babe, also, if you have, it's okay. But I just want to tell you what's even more okay is that just telling me through sex that it's just not going to happen. Sometimes I'm not always going to come to. And do you want me to fake it or you want me to just tell you it's not going to happen? Because I would rather just have my partner to say, hey, babe, like it's it's it's just not going to happen. I've had I've had it happen plenty of my life, you know, and I like to be a giver and I like to think of myself as, you know, good and bad.

And I like to think that I've hopefully, you know, made people I've been intimate with feel good. But like, just like, I need to check my ego at the door and recognize that sometimes it's just simply not about me. And if I'm being intimate with someone and my partner, you know, says, hey, babe, it's not going to happen. I just need to say okay that's fine you know if she wants to give me a note to say let's try something else then great that's also fine too but sometimes it's just not gonna happen that is so fucking normal and i think you just need to sit down and not take it personal not take it personal and like he should be able to like you're no different or better than him it's happened to you he should recognize that you don't always climax

and that you're not going to fake it you you've been dating this guy long enough at a minimum you should have the lines of communication open to the point where you can just say babe it's just it's not going to happen today and he can just say you know it's not going to happen you can he can perform oral sex if he's in it like whatever or you bust out the vibrator you guys do things together i don't know but like you know he doesn't have to go ahead and fake and you know ejaculate in his rag because that's unnecessary and silly you know and yeah don't say it's weird or don't make him feel uncomfortable to say hey babe i just you can

tell me it's no big deal if you're not gonna go i totally understand i know what it's like babe then that's what you should say let's just like i don't know what it's like to be a guy but definitely know what it's like to know that sometimes it's just not going to happen and i can understand that that might be the same for you and if you ever feel that way just tell me that's okay no big deal okay you know and hopefully also mention like like that i know it's not personal because maybe that's why he's doing he's so worried that i'm going to be mad about or whatever maybe i mean maybe in the past girls have been mad about it or because it it you have to i have to tell myself to not take it personally it's not me it's oh yeah i mean he probably is a someone who as you describe is not overly sexual i it

would be willing to bet that at some point he was shamed by a woman he was intimate with who made a big fucking deal about him not climaxing made it all about her and was just like what i'm not hot enough blah blah i'm not this or that and just made a big fucking like every guy has experienced that and quite honestly i think it's kind of shitty that it happens i'm not trying to like you know like, I think that's society in terms of what they're teaching young men and young women, like in terms of their expectations of what, how sex is supposed to play out. And I think that is a very common misconception that women and men both get wrong.

And it wouldn't shock me at all if he has had a a handful of experiences and and now he just has decided it's just easier to fake it because i don't need to go through the whole like why aren't you coming what's wrong with your dick is it me is it that and he's and all he's just like i don't know i'm just like i'm just not gonna happen that simple it's just not happening and every woman i feel like should understand the it's just not going to happen right now explanation and i think in some cases it's that simple with men too and then i think you have one conversation about is he fake climaxing i don't know if in the same conversation you bring up the fact that you got you would like to explore yeah a bit this. That maybe is another time.

But you do have the right to say, babe, I want us to get a little bit more creative in bed. Maybe you guys just do it for fun. You know, you position it just like, have you ever thought of doing this for fun? Because I've heard that like, you could have a hard on for four fucking hours and I just want you to like,

fuck me like an animal or whatever the fuck. And just make it the thing that you guys are doing together together he's doing it for you not for himself you're not suggesting that he needs it you're just suggesting that like I've heard that like guys might get an unrealistic hard-on for an unrealistic period of time and we can have some unrealistic sex and would that be fun and he might try it and think oh this is great you know i love the way this makes me feel and and you make him feel good for doing it rather than judged for doing it you know i think there's he's probably dealing with a lot of like quite honestly a little bit of emotional trauma that he's experienced through dating and hookup culture and sex over the years and he has decided this is

the easiest solution for him and neither of these conversations happen after sex or just before sex obviously yeah yeah maybe not definitely not even the orgasm what over a glass of wine at dinner you know there's no great time i just definitely wouldn't do it right after yeah maybe okay in the next few days maybe just gas them up a little bit tell them how high how good you think he looks and how sexy you think he is. Kind of prime them up. And then like after a few days of that, after you, you made him feel real good about himself. You just say, can we, can I ask you a question?

And like, I know this sounds super like weird. And just so you know, like if it, if the answer is yes, it's totally okay. I've been there before. But have you ever faked climax for me? Because I don't want you to feel like you ever have to. I know what it's like to know that I'm just not going to get off. And I don't want to have to fake it with you. I don't think you want to.

And you should never have to feel like you need to with me. It is totally okay for you to not get off sometimes i know it's not about me whatever it's not a big deal like it happens to literally everyone and and see what he has to say but that's a fair way of positioning it and he might get a little squirmy and sensitive but like he he needs to deal with it and he shouldn And he shouldn't overreact. And as long as you create a safe space for him and don't make him feel like it's weird or wrong, be the opposite of probably any other girl he's had a conversation with us about. And don't take it personally if he gets a little defensive.

Because we're assuming some women before him have handled this very differently than you're about to try. And that is to make them feel bad and judged and shamed and wrong for like their dick not working and making it all about them. Yeah, I like the idea of being like different than what he's had before. So he feels because there's other, you know, emotional things that from girls in the past, not about sex, but like other stuff. And he's mentioned that he enjoys that. I'm like a safer space than that. So, yeah, this would just be another way of showing that so just create exactly and then you know you can get off the phone with us now just be like i just can i just you've you've been looking

so good lately or i think you're so hot or whatever i i do think that is something in general like couples in general could do more of but yeah i do think it's something that i think women could try to do more of too i think often we just in relationships it's like i think some women feel like they're supposed to like tease like their way of flirting is to tease and critique and criticize and listen we love that and that's fine too but don't be afraid you know to like give the same amount of compliments that you want to receive from your partner you want to i'm assuming to be called beautiful and you want to be made to feel attractive and i think whether a guy says that he wants to hear that like no guy is gonna say stop complimenting me or stop making me feel sexy they just don't want

to have to ask because then they feel like, oh, well they're needy or, you know, or whatever, or they might get shamed for that or, you know, but like gassing a guy up and making him feel desired will go a long fucking

way. Okay. I will do that then. Okay. Well, let us know how it goes. I think, uh,

there's probably a lot of, uh, women out there listening to this who are that you're going to resonate with. And we would love some feedback on how this conversation goes. Hopefully you have some, you know, successes and or, you know, even if it doesn't go well, we'd love to know like how that approach was and how you guys work through it. Because I'm certain you're not the only couple going through something like this, because I think it's far more common than is talked about because men don't want to acknowledge it.

Women don't want to acknowledge it because they think it's something about them. So they just kind of pretend it's not going on and yada, yada, yada. And so thank you for calling in and sharing your story. Okay. Good luck. I will let you know. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right. All right. Bye- and sharing your story. Okay. Good luck. I will let you know. Thank you so much. Thank you.

All right. All right. Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye. That is such a, I do feel like it's so hard to have conversations like that about sex. Yeah. Sometimes in relationships or like, I think it's just, it's really, not that it's necessarily

hard to do, but I just think it's so easy to get in your head about. Well, yeah. necessarily hard to do but i just think it's so easy to get in your head about well yeah i i just think i think with more and more young people hooking up at a more frequent pace with a lack of knowledge and experience i think young people um just through pure ignorance uh create a lot of negative experiences around sex and dating. And it's not just one-sided. You know, it's not... And listen, there's a lot of shitty men out there

that provide a lot of bad experiences for women when it comes to sex, but it can go both ways. And it's not even like they just... Not like they ever mean to or they're trying to. It's just obviously a very vulnerable thing to have sex. Yeah. And then with hookup culture, we're just like so getting used to getting naked and exchanging

fluids without knowing anything about them. And we act like we're not going to be emotionally affected by it. And so when you think that a guy is supposed to climax and it's supposed to be generally easy for him and he doesn't, you might have a poor reaction to a guy is supposed to climax and it's supposed to be generally easy for him and he doesn't you might have a poor reaction to a guy doing it and then meanwhile you know like i've had so many conversations with women friends or ex-girlfriends who we might have a conversation around sex and they'll say that well they don't like this or that and i'll ask them why and it's always the same thing they had they basically some asshole in high school or college said some off-putting shit to them

and made them feel judged about a part of their body or about something they did or didn't do, and essentially kind of traumatized them when it came to that particular thing or whatever it is. And the same thing can happen to men. So if a guy at 18, 19, or 20 or whatever it is. And the same thing can happen to men, you know? So if a guy at 18, 19 or 20 or whatever it is, has an experience with a woman and she criticizes him or calls him weird or makes him feel inadequate or like he's doing something wrong, like you don't think that's going to affect him or stick with him, you know? And unless someone like,

you know, corrects that, you know, uh, kind of perception that they have about themselves or sex in general it's always going to stick around yeah and because like as a society we often just don't talk about it you just don't talk about sex no so we have so many so much misinformation out there about sex and and we wonder why 35 year old men can have these kind of little boy behaviors in like these kind of almost juvenile like yeah things when it comes

to sex well it's because like no one's ever fucking told them different you know totally that's a really fucking dumb buddies don't know any better and there's like yeah it's coming a fucking rag just fake it you know because they're too afraid to have that conversation because the last time it happened, the woman that, they're just calling them fucking weird. Yeah. You know? Because it's very vulnerable. And what do we do when we feel vulnerable and insecure?

Like, you know, we fight back or we say something because if we feel small, then we want the person to feel small too. And it's like, you know, and we turn into our childlike selves at any time. And literally, like when we experienced trauma as a kid, you know, and we turn into our childlike selves at any time. And literally, like when we experienced trauma as a kid, you know, like we've talked about, like, but using it as adults, it doesn't have to be like some crazy trauma. Like if you are 18 and you're feeling very vulnerable and the partner, person you're sharing a bed with or exchanging fluids with says something that makes you feel inadequate, that's a level of trauma that you're experiencing.

And so in the future, when you get triggered by something, you're going to turn into the 18-year-old you. And you might act like a child. It doesn't make it okay. But again, we have to start having these conversations. And it's like this internalized purity culture that no matter how much of a liberated, embodied person you are like I think just like growing up with like that kind of messaging like it just it really underserves like men women like all people because I do think there's this especially like when it is like a woman is like I would like to somehow advance in sex whether it's like I want to have sex more whether it's I want to have kinkier sex like whatever it is like I feel like any time that urges felt like with like my friends whenever I

felt like that it is like there's like this real shame around it of like well I guess I'm just not hot enough like it feels desperate in a way even though that makes no sense like of course with two people like 50 50 odds one of them would be like a little bit more interested in more than you know and you're meeting in the middle. But they're still like and I think like and it's that that also creates a culture where like men are like, well, I can't I can't not come like it's my job. Yeah. It's like what is it? What's it going to say about me? It's like, I don't know, maybe you're just like had a stressful day, you know, literally. And maybe you're in your head about something else the point is is that i think we

often uh take for granted men's ability to climax and we just act like it's some sort of push this button and it's a guarantee to happen a hundred percent of the time and again when you're a horned up 19 year old like yes and and you you're lucky enough to like have a girl who wants to like take your clothes off. Like whatever you might be thinking about is going to be like set aside because your Dick's going to be so hard and it's going to be pretty easy for you to climax. And that might happen a lot of times, but more realistically, we have stresses, we have things in our mind, we have things to worry about, We have other things going on and we're not able to stay 100% present through sex. And it has nothing to do with how hot they think you are, how desired they have, you know? And so we just have to extend that grace and

acknowledge it and stop shaming our partners when they can't climax because it's not about you. Great point. So we bring on our next caller. Let's do it. Sometimes when you're in the middle of writing, and I often thought about this, like when I was in college, you feel like you know what you want to say, but you've said it so many times and you just want a way of rephrasing or maybe just a fresh start on how you can communicate something or make a point. Or maybe it's even just an email and you're not sure how to really put it into different words. You want to flip things around, but you need that little someone to help. And when you don't have a friend around to help you work things out, that's when Grammarly Go comes in. Because Grammarly Go helps you come up with the new ideas, helps you change things around, helps you make your language more clear.

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my close female friends. Okay. And these are your platonic female friends. These aren't romantic friends. Okay. Not romantic. Okay. And these are your close friends? Like all like... Yeah. So I'm in theater. So, and I grew up with brothers.. So mostly most of my life I've had male friends, gay and straight. That's kind of just what I tend to gravitate to. But in recent years, I've kind of, you know, it's nice to have a close female friend. You can talk about other things and, you know, something's wrong and they don't tell me what it is and they just disappear. So it's not like they're like flaking on you for drinks. They're just flat out. Yeah.

Stop being your friend. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. How many times has this happened? Three major ones. So I'm going major ones. Yeah.

I'm going through one right now that's been pretty hurtful. Um, but basically the first really quick. Oh yeah. Well, let's talk about the, the, the one you're going through now, since it's the most fresh in your memory. Uh, how did you meet this person? How did the friendship start? We went on birthright together last year. Okay. And for anybody who's like not familiar with that, uh, birthright is like a trip you can And for anybody who's like not familiar with that, birthright is like a trip you can take. It's a free trip to Israel that you can go on. It's usually like two weeks, right?

Like 10 days-ish? Yeah, 10 days. Okay. So it's kind of like, it's like adult summer camp as like my friends have described it. I don't know if that's right. I just wanted to give some context. Feels like a school field trip.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And then you met on this trip. Obviously there was a personal are you an obvious connection that you guys shared on that trip uh like you know it's funny we actually weren't really friends on the trip we didn't really talk much i was friends with a group of boys as what i usually do um but she we found out that we lived really we live really close to each other in New York.

So we started kind of hanging out after the trip. We both dog sit as like a side hustle. So that kind of was convenient. We would like to pass clients off to each other. And then as we started to hang out more, we ended up getting really close. And over the past year, she's been my pretty really close friend. We would hang out several times a week. And yeah. What was the glue of the relationship?

What was the bond? You know, like, why did you feel connected with her as a friend? I mean, I hate to say this. It kind of did start almost out of convenience. It was just so easy to do things. But we did have a lot of shared interests. Yeah, because like as an adult, you're just like, you walk dogs. have a trip you want to hang out i don't know like it's tough to make friends but once you yeah started going out clearly yeah you developed a closeness with her

like what did you like about the friendship yeah um we i felt like well she's really funny we we had a lot to laugh and joke about and i I felt like we could talk about anything. I mean, she knew pretty much everything about me and I think vice versa. Um, and it was just, we just had a really good, um, repartee, I guess. So, uh, we would do, we would have work days together. We'd get together to just like sit at our laptops and get things done. We would go to movies, we would go to shows. And we started to have a little bit of an issue because so she struggles with depression and is very much an introvert. I struggle with anxiety, but I am more extroverted. I like being around people. So some of the issues we would have is that she would

start and this in the fall wasn't as bad of a problem. But then I went away for a couple months to do a show, came back in the spring, and it started becoming a really big problem is that she would tend to flake out on plans, but because she didn't feel like, you know, being around people, but rather than telling me that she wasn't coming, she just wouldn't show up. So I would revolve my day around these plans that I had. And then I just wouldn't hear from her. And that was really hard for me because, you know, I've gotten anxiety. I'd be like, what's going on? And B after having been ghosted by these two other female friends recently, and she knew this about me. It was really a struggle for me. And because it's like, you know, if plans, plans change, that's okay. And

I would sit down with her and I'm not very confrontational, but I like to have open communication. So we had a few heart to hearts where I would just be like, you know, plans change if you really just aren't feeling like going out, that's totally fine. But all I ask is that you let me know because otherwise I'm sitting around waiting for you when I could be doing something else. Anytime that we talked about it in person, she was very receptive. She was very like, I know you're right. I'm so sorry. I'm talking to my therapist about trying to be better about this. Because I think what happens is she when she doesn't feel like she doesn't want to let people down.

So when she doesn't feel like having these plans, she just ignores it and kind of hopes that it'll go away. She's afraid to say she's sure. But for me, I'm like, look, I promise I won't be mad. I'll promise I'll be understanding. But if I don't hear anything from you it's just like inconsiderate you know and what is again oh what is your relationship with her regarding men we would both talk about boys and I mean both of our dating lives are kind of not super uh existent it's just hard to date in New Yorkcha but would you ever get competitive like i guess

here's my question it's just like you have you've called in with this like this pattern or history of this thing happening right you're trying to figure it out so yeah the most logical thing is to ask yourself are there patterns that i'm demonstrating in all these relationships or are there patterns with all these women you're becoming friends with like what's what's consistent well one you're you're consistent you know you're in every single one of these relationships i'm not putting it on you but i'm just pointing out that's one point of consistency so like is there something you know and this is going to require some self-reflection on yeah on is there something you're doing and maybe maybe the something you're doing is becoming friends with with these a certain type of person and that certain type of person

could be someone who you know has i guess emotional baggage or whatever or you know just this neediness or or just you know like this pattern of flaking, was that a pattern and with all these two other women that like, were they flakers before they were ghosters? The first one? Yes. The first one I really should have seen coming because, you know, they say if a friend talks a certain way about other people, chances are they're talking that way about you. And she was pretty love to gossip was pretty catty so

i shouldn't have really been surprised the second friend um i really have no idea she was pretty extroverted outgoing reliable um but just stopped answering one day and to me i think i just wasn't a priority for her with the most recent, she's definitely mad about something. The way that the fallout happened is I actually went back to Israel a couple weeks ago for our close friend's wedding. And she was watching my dog, who she loves, and everything seemed fine. But then while I was there, she was supposed to walk a dog for me and she sent me a message later that day saying oh by the way I couldn't get into the apartment so I didn't walk the dog

and that was like really bad for my business because you know I was in charge of getting this dog walked and I had to message the owner that it didn't get walked and this was later that day so I got a really upset message from him, understandably, that like, well, why don't you tell me when you couldn't get in so I could have figured something else out. So she hurt my business, which I was really upset about. But me being like trying to like communicate and being empathetic, I didn't get mad at her. I was just like, OK, well, you know, in the future, please let me know right away and does this be a text or this is a phone call uh we facetimed because while I was gone we facetimed quite a few times because she had so I could see my dog yeah uh and I was just like

okay well you know just let me know in the future and what'd she say she was just like sorry I just like she kind of tried to pin it on me she was like well I don't I didn't have the owner's number and well you seemed busy I'm like I would have responded she kind of tried to pin it on me. She was like, well, I don't, I didn't have the owner's number. And well, you seemed busy. I'm like, I would have responded. Like I would have, you know, it's business. So, uh, I didn't really get any accountability from her. So I was frustrated, but I was like, you know what, when I get back to town, we'll have a sit down and I'll say, listen, for business, this can't happen, you know? But again, I didn't want to, she was still watching my dog. I was very grateful. So then the day before I got back, um, my dog ended up having to go to the vet. She had an eye infection, um, and everything was fine. She took her to the vet, uh, and she was like, great,

see you tomorrow. So then the next morning, um, as I was on my way back, she just seemed really short with me via text. Like, she's like, I'll be home until eight 30. Then at seven 30, she just seemed really short with me via text. Like she's like, I'll be home until 830. Then at 730, she's like, please hurry. I have to go. And it was just very strange. So I came over, she handed me my dog and she like, wouldn't even look at me. It was just very, very cold. I've never seen that side of her. Didn't really know what was going on, but I was like, okay, well, will you call me later today to let me know what the vet said? She said, sure. Never heard from her. I gave her a few days, figured I'd let her cool off. Maybe she was just stressed about work or something and never heard from her again. Texted her over the weekend, was like, hey, how was your week?

I was just wondering if you could give me a call when you get a chance to fill me in on the vet visit. And she sent me a message saying, hi, I'm sure you can call the vet and they have all that information. Please don't call me as I won't answer. And I haven't heard from her since. She had a set of my house keys just because as a friend, she was holding on to them so that I'd always have a friend with a coffee. And about a week later, I saw that she had come by and just thrown my keys inside my gate. And now she's out of the country for a few weeks but i am kind of just debating what to do if it's worth keeping fighting for it or if but i just can't fathom what yeah i mean it's not about bizarre i mean it's nothing else if i were you i would want to

you know whether it's about i don't know if it's about maintaining or fixing the friendship but if you can get some, the fact that this has happened in the past, I would understand why this is like fucking with your psyche a little bit. Right. Well, and she knows about the past situations because we've had many conversations about it.

And I would tell her, this is part of why it's hard when I don't hear from you. Cause I start to think about these past situations and feel like it's happening again. And she'd be like, Oh my God, no, I would never do that to you that's so awful and now you know yeah and for the life of you can't figure it out i was like is she just mad because i was she was running late for work and i was running late like or is she mad because i sent i sent her a screenshot of what the dog owner had said if any of of those are the reason, I can't understand why that would make her so mad she'd want

to drop this close friendship. Or maybe, but maybe then again, I'm like, you know, I keep getting in my head. Maybe she never valued me in the way I valued her. And because she's such a pleaser, maybe she was just hanging out to be nice. You know, I'm getting in my head. All these friends keep dropping me and I keep thinking I cared so much about them. such a pleaser maybe she was just hanging out to be nice you know i'm getting in my head all these friends keep dropping me and i keep thinking i cared so much about them i would never drop them they clearly didn't feel the same way about me and that's really hurtful yeah i'm so sorry like

i'm sure nick is about to create some amazing advice i just want to say i'm so sorry that is brutal friendship breakups are like heart-wrenching and like so upsetting and at least with like a breakup if you're like straight or date men you can be like fuck men you know stupid idiots and like with female friendships it is like absolutely soul-crushing and devastating when they end and so i just want to say i'm sorry that you've had that experience like that's really tough thank you yeah i don't know if i have any like amazing advice for you um you know it's just like i'm trying to be pragmatic here in the sense that like three is a pattern.

So it's also never happened with a male friend. Yeah. If nothing else, there's a possibility that maybe you are just investing too much too soon in the wrong people. And is it possible when it comes to these women friends that you meet someone, you know, you even mentioned like, you know, there's a convenience there.

We both walk dogs. We went on this trip together and she seemed nice. And you know, we, we had fun hanging out and I just like decided to be friends with her. And, and yeah, you're open about it,

but maybe you're just like investing in the wrong people. If I were you, I would absolutely ask her, like you said, she knows, you know, I don't know what you did., she knows. I don't know what you did. You don't even know what you did, right? So maybe you just reach out to her and say, hey, it seems as though you're upset with me.

I would like to understand why. If you no longer want to be friends with me, I will respect that. But I do care about you. I love you no matter what. I miss you. If you no longer want to continue this friendship, I'd really appreciate you just helping me understand why. Again, I'll respect whatever you decide,

but I'm left with a lot of questions and a lot of insecurities that I have about why this relationship ended. And if there's anything I can do to understand, I'd love to have a conversation and just kind of be super empathetic and understanding. Also, but don't forget that if she is willing to meet with you you need to figure out whether this this friend is willing who really wants to be friends with you really wants to respect your boundaries really wants to like meet your needs you know a friendship is a relationship maybe different than a romantic one but yeah maybe she maybe this friend is only has only been willing to be your friend because you were so willing to be accommodating to her needs and at the moment you started having expectations or or demonstrating any frustration that you had this friend couldn't handle that

and you could just have a bad friend picker that's entirely possible and maybe it's because you're just you're just you're not qualifying these friends enough like and i don't think it necessarily has to be like kind of black and white what i mean i just mean like you can just maybe slow down when you meet these friends? Because is there a pattern of you meeting these women and then these friendships kind of quickly take off and then you quickly start spending a lot of time together, kind of like two people who might be dating? Is that consistent with all three of these friendships? The second one, yes. The first one, we'd been friends since high school. Okay. Did you ever reach out to any of those other two women and be like what happened um the first one she actually reached out to me when covid happened

um and we didn't quite make up but we kind of essentially she gave me the impression that she was upset with me because i didn't answer one text message from her, which I thought was ironic given that she didn't answer 90% of texts I sent her during our friendship. So, and then I felt like she was kind of just reaching out to me because she wanted something. She was trying to get me to send her something. So that was the only, and with her, again, I heard the way she would speak about other people. it kind of pieces kind of yeah added up um second friend yeah we did get close very fast and i think that in the end i just wasn't a priority to her because before she goes to me she was often just too busy to meet up yeah so i guess what you can do you know the more that we

talk about the more i think there probably is some truth to the fact that I don't think you're qualifying these friends as much as you should before you kind of define the relationship, so to speak, before you start investing in these relationships. Just like from a romantic, like the same as someone in a romantic relationship, meet someone, a couple of great first dates. I like them. Do you want to be my boyfriend, girlfriend? And they stop like checking in with themselves. They stopped learning about this person and they just move forward with the happiness of having the boyfriend or the girlfriend or having the best friend. And then they hang out all the time and they don't really get to know each other. And then shit hits the fan. And then they wonder like why they can't

work through it because they, you know, so I guess there's probably some, some of that. So I guess going forward, when you make friends with someone, take your time, you can be friends with someone and not start like hanging out three or four times a week and, and call each other best friends after two weeks and say,

you know, it feels like we've known each other forever. Like we're best friends. And it's like, I mean, you can do that, but it gets just like a romantic relationship. There's so much you need to know about each other. And there's so much you need to know about each other and there's so much you have to learn about each other that you might find that while you can be friends and you can enjoy each other's company from time to time, too much of this might lead to, you might not be as compatible as you'd like to think. Also, if you're trying to build out, have more female friendships in your life,

kind of unlike dating monogamously, because you can have multiple friendships that you're going at once that could help you kind of slow the pace down a little bit, especially if maybe you join an intramural dodgeball team or find some, if there's a group activity. Have you always had one best girlfriend? No, so I think that's part of what it is,

is that it's been rare that i have felt so connected with a female friend um and so when these friendships came along i think that's part of why i clung to them because i just typically i just like guys more like i a lot of i don't know i don't know that's okay as much i'm just to amanda's point i think maybe just like when you hone in and you make friends with a woman it seems like you have a pattern of like be like oh well i don't like i don't have a lot of women friends so you get real clingy to that one friend and then maybe you have a pattern that you're not realizing where maybe you're just slightly too critical like i'm not saying you're actually doing anything wrong, but maybe just the intensity, you guys

aren't as compatible as you might think you are from a friendship standpoint. You have different interests or different things. You join each other's company, but you're maybe spending too much time together where you need to be really compatible for it to still be enjoyable for the both of you. And there's a lot, there's, there's probably more, there's more similarities to, you know, platonic friendships and romantic friendships. And there are differences. The biggest difference is you like, you fuck in romantic relationships or have sex, you get intimate, but like there are more similarity, you know, when, when most of the time, whether

it's your friend or a romantic partner, you're just kind of spending time together. And to enjoy someone's company, you have to be pretty compatible. And I'm willing to bet that you're not as compatible with these women as you either wanted to believe or thought you were. Or maybe you didn't really give much thought to how compatible I am with this friend. I just like, we just like hanging out and it was based off of convenience at first. And it's like, why not? I didn't find them offensive. We liked each other. They're pretty nice, whatever. But the more you invested it, the more it kind of got too much for that other person. And again, you being maybe more of a direct person

and some of these people being less, more passive aggressive, it just became too much for them. you know more passive aggressive it just became too much for them and then they just handled it the way they handle it so you know i don't think you're doing anything wrong but i think you can maybe make adjustments going forward where either you just kind of slow things down or instead of like locking in on this one woman friend maybe you just like be like yeah we're friends but like just because they're a woman doesn't mean they like take precedent over your guy friends or, you know, that I'm sure you have guy friends you can talk to about dating and things like that. And again, nothing there. I'm sure parts of being friends with women that are just, it's hard to replicate with men, regardless if they're gay or straight. I'm just saying, when you meet these women you become friends with, take advantage of

the uniqueness that you are aligned as women. But it doesn't mean they have to supersede your other friendships that have more history and more rapport and more points of compatibility and things like that. And when it comes to the women friends you are making, slow it down, you know, be willing to make friends with multiple women, you know, be okay with liking different things and then don't force it. Don't get them to, don't force them to do the things that you know they don't like doing just like, and then maybe you're only hanging out once a week. Maybe it's this, you know, because it's a lot easier to have, you know, like limit the expectations. My guess is, is that, again, you're making friends with these women and you're like, well, I don't have as many women friends. So you put extra pressure on these friendships. You're spending a lot of time with these people that deep down you're probably not as compatible with.

with. And you both don't want to acknowledge that lack of compatibility. So you keep still hanging out. And the more you hang out, you're enjoying each other's company less and less and less. And then it reaches a boiling point. And that boiling point is them just kind of doing what they're doing now. Yeah. No, I mean, that all makes a lot of sense. I think I was also kind of just the fact that we did become so so close so fast it's like they were giving me that as well and i think with a lot of my male friends that's rare right because with males it's like i mean once they get a girlfriend or a boyfriend it's it's just different you know yeah totally um and i miss having a best friend my best. My closest best friend lives across the country. So when it does happen that I have someone who we talk every day and we see each other all the time, it's hard not to take advantage of that.

I hear you. But I think that's maybe the role you're playing. Yeah, for sure. That desire to have a best friend, just like people have a desire to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. desire to have a best friend, just like people have a desire to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. So instead of being patient and letting it play out, you just jump into something that you haven't fully vetted and you get super intense, super fast and start playing house with someone you just aren't sure if you're compatible with, only to later find out that maybe you're a little less compatible than you hoped and you don't want to acknowledge that. So you pretend it doesn't exist. And that's how

conflict starts. And I'm guessing there's a lot of that going in these friendships because, you know, you want to have that best girlfriend and you meet these nice people where there's a lot of like, there's a lot of things to like, and then you kind of force the desire to have a best friend onto them that maybe they're just not capable of giving or you're just not, they're not really meant to be your best friend because you're not as compatible with them. think maybe you just have to like let these relationships and friendships play out rather than deciding like i really want a best friend in new york that i can hang out with and the girl i hang out with all the time she has to be my best friend because that's what best friends do they hang out all the time and you i think you're kind of forcing it a little bit with these with these friendships which one it might not be the cause of why they why they fall apart because it

just might be a lack of compatibility but it could could be why you have so much sadness and hurt around these people because ultimately you just feel rejected and then you're wondering if it's you and things like that. I don't think it is you other than the fact that you're investing too much in people that you still have a lot to learn about and you are prematurely identifying them as best friends that makes a lot of sense and i mean they're just all they are is women you become friends with that you like that i think i just need to meet more friends because that's another thing new york can be very lonely and all my jobs are my jobs are pretty solitary you know like i mean dog sitting hang out with dogs right and and then like i act which is not a lot of it's harder to meet people so yeah i don't know it's it's it can be very isolating

here in the city i hear you yeah but maybe try like maybe instead of having to have one best friend why can't you just have a handful of friends? The other thing is like with your like with the guys and the gays, like the current friendship roster, like if any of them like I know you mentioned some of them like have girlfriends, like you can also like kind of like put feelers out for just being like, hey, can you introduce me? And like that way you're kind of getting friends who are a little bit more vetted. Or if you make one friend where it feels like promising, like I feel like there have been times where I've been like adopted by a high school friend group because I've just become friends with one of them

that I've started an activity and then I met all of them. So also kind of like looking, cause it is so isolating, especially New York, dear God, it is so hard to have like a meet cute moment. And so I think like anything you can do to try to like use the existing connections to like grow other ones,

especially if it means you're getting people who have a little bit more like history with those friends who are a little less like flaky. Again, like not a woman. So I don't know, maybe I'm speaking out of turn here, but I wonder if you're experiencing a pattern just to slow it down. And I think that, you know, you might find a better success or just, or just if nothing else, less disappointment, you you know because if you lose touch with some of these women that you've only known for a year it won't feel as dramatic because

you won't be so like pot committed into one friend that you've guys decided you know three weeks into your friendship that they're your new best friend and you're going to spend all your time together and deep down there's a lot of aspects that you just don't see eye to eye on and eventually it just becomes too much for one person and unfortunately you being ghosted i think is just a product of our dating culture that has accepted ghosting as a way to just end a relationship. And I think that's what's going on with you. It's not so much your inability to be a friend. It's their willingness to adopt these bad breakup habits and romantic relationships to their friendships and to their friendship relationships as well.

romantic relationships to their friendships for into their friendship relationships, relationships as well. So I have one other question regarding this most recent friend. And it's silly compared to everything that's happening, but we actually do have tickets to see the Jonas brothers in August. Okay. Well, and I paid for my ticket.

I paid for my ticket, but she has them, but I really don't think I'm ever going to hear from her again how much were the tickets what would you do well one $200 okay first get try to get an answer as to why she's handling it forget about the tickets for now yes if

you get a chance to speak with her maybe that answer might answer itself if she continues to ghost you yeah I mean you might just I think you have the right to at least be like, hey, can you send me my ticket? Or could I buy both tickets from you? That's what I was thinking. you cut your losses yeah it sucks it's 200 bucks i'm not saying it's not nothing but you know it's really not going to move the needle on your life so to speak you know it's it's a major annoyance it's one of those things that you could decide to hang on to and let it bother you and complain

to your other friends be like this fucking chick she fucking screwed me out of 200 but i think you just kind of let it go and don't let don't hang on to that baggage it's just kind of just toxic thoughts and i think yeah you just try to get it back but i wouldn't put up a big fight and i wouldn't all all it's going to be is just extra baggage that's going to weigh you down and keep you invested in this friendship that no longer exists and you just just let it fucking go you know new york parking tickets 200 200 bucks. You know, like whatever. You know what I'm saying?

Pretend it's something else. You've lost $200 before in your life. It'll happen again. It's super fucking annoying, but you live and you get over it. And whatever money you lost five years ago, it's not like it's bothering you now. You're just over it.

You've moved on to something else. For sure. So I think that's my advice for you on that. Cool. All right. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. This is, I'm also like, feel so much better. That's.

Oh, good. I'm glad. Yeah. I wasn't sure if I was helpful, but I do think this is probably a very relatable topic for a lot of people listening. And, and, you know, if you're listening on YouTube or pop off in the comments, but like, uh, I think there is something there of moving too quickly with friendships just like people move too quickly with relationships and it's not so much you in the friendship it is you being too

pot committed with someone that maybe you're just not compatible with friendship wise i also i have a friend in the city she's incredibly direct she's also in like arts like arts, acting stuff. I'm going to email you after the fact, because I think you guys would really get along. That would be awesome. I would love that. I would love that. And then if she goes to you in the future, then we have some talk.

And then I'll get the other side. I'll get the tea. Yeah. In the meantime, this is, this is my best friend. There we go. That's the list.

Cutest dog in the world, but definitely reach out to the friend. You deserve some answers. It's worth trying. And then let us know how that goes. We would love an update. Awesome. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. All right. Take care. Take care. Bye. You too. Shopify. Hey, if you are selling online, why don't you have Shopify?

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And my question is, how do I get over the guy who's the standard I hold all other men to? Okay, tell me about Mr. McDreamy. Mr. McDreamy. Mr. McDreamy. Well, we have been friends for like eight years. So we've known each other for a long time. After a few years of friends, we kind of went into a situationship, I guess. Okay. How did that situationship start?

How did that situationship end? Why was it never a relationship? There was always like an attraction between us as friends. And I guess, you know, just, you know, one night you're all hanging, you're hanging out by yourselves and one thing leads to another, you know, like making out and then it kind of becomes a, oh, this is fun. So let's keep doing this. But like around all of our friends, we're not acting like a couple, but even though everybody knows, you know, on the side or, you know, making out and stuff. Yeah. I think, you know, it kind of developed more feelings. And so like, I started trying to push maybe the conversation of, Hey,

like maybe we should try and date. Like, obviously we're friends. We like each other. We now have this like physical connection and attraction. Why not try and actually date? Um, I think he was like into it. Like, I think he wanted it, but I think what was stopping him was, you know, he would say he didn't feel like our emotional connection was all the way where he would want it to be. And until like, he felt that that wasn't a better place. He didn't want to like be in a relationship. Did he give examples as to why? I mean, that sounds like such a, like a almost even emotionally mature thing to say. I mean, that sounds like such a like almost even emotionally mature thing to say. I mean, it's a slightly more specific than like, I'm just not ready for a girlfriend.

I mean, it's like a little bit more like elevated to be like, well, I just know if our emotional connection is that where it needs to be. But like, what does that mean? And was he interested in getting there? Yeah. I mean, there's like, yeah yeah definitely a lot of history so i'd say in the beginning like in this first time he couldn't really give a lot of specific reasons which is really frustrating and it was just like i just don't know i'm just waiting for this feeling and i'm like if you can't like help me no i'm just sitting here guessing and it's not gonna work and like so yeah so that definitely didn't work and that kind of like was the head to why

we broke up the first time and stopped hanging out the situation ship which ended up like i think we were both really hurt by it because i think he wanted it to work he wanted to feel that with me but couldn't really articulate it and so like we were both really hurt at the end of it and i ended up like not talking for like two years um and i put like a rift in the back friend group and stuff um but more specifically because i i i don't doubt that he was upset but i'm more curious about what we know for sure and i'm curious like so when you you you so you're the one who went to him and said hey how about we date he said uh you this, this thing is not meeting my emotional connection standards. We shouldn't date. And then I'm assuming you said, well, then I don't think we should hang

out anymore. Yeah, kind of. It got like, we just would have the same conversation over and over again. And I never really felt like he could give me any like real examples or like what I was doing, but like, wasn't meeting what he wanted or something. And so like, I'm just sitting here trying and like just shooting in the dark and I don't want to do that anymore. And so, you know, maybe we're just like not in the right place to, to do this. And then you, but you shut it down. Yeah. And then, and then he was like, I can't talk to you anymore. Like things weren't like wrong. Like I ended up going to therapy after this. I think you shut it down yeah and then and then he was like i can't talk to you anymore like things weren't like wrong like i ended up going to therapy after this i think he did some therapy

in those couple years we weren't friends and like i you know had other relationships that i felt like were you know good emotionally healthy they just didn't work out and he dated other people too and then about like a year and a half ago we kind of started being friends again which i thought was great and i was like oh great we can like just be normal because it had caused this weird thing between all of our friends sure how did that reconnection happen um he just kind of started coming around again to things like i was never really shy about like not going to things um and i feel like he was and then so i you, we kind of just like kept our same friendships, but would just have sometimes like, oh, well, like he's invited to this.

He's probably not going to come, you know, because he knows that you're going to be there. Okay. Yeah. It seems rather dramatic. Yeah, kind of less. Yeah. So then he started coming around to things. I didn't really know.

I don't know what changed really. But then I was I thought I was like, this was just a good sign for our friendship that we could at least be somewhat friends be friendly have friendly conversations maybe not to the level that we used to be friends but but you at this point you had slept with him um no we're both very religious okay so we don't believe in sex All right. Well, that's good context. So you guys started hanging out again? Yeah. And we kind of quickly hit that same wall. I'm like, why don't we just try dating?

We have all this friendship. We know each other and we have feelings. So why not just like be in a relationship? You guys reconnected and then you propositioned him again? Yes. Yeah. Well, we became friends, which then led to us talking more, hanging out one-on-one,

which then ends up making out and then we then fall back in. Okay. And then after a little bit, I'm like, okay, well, why aren't we going further now? Why aren't we progressing? How old is this guy? He is 42.

He is 42. He's 42. Okay. Are you both virgins? Yeah. Both of you. Okay. Wow. And he's still unsure.

Like what's stopping this guy from like giving this the old college try? It was really hard to pinpoint, I guess, like when he would say like our emotional connection like wasn't great or like what he wanted it to be more. I kind of felt like he just wanted me maybe to be more like him. Like he is a very driven, you know, goal oriented person where he has a lot of personal goals for himself and is always striving and like, you know, wants to better himself. And I'm like driven in like my work and professional life, but in my personal life, I'm pretty chill. Like where I maybe see it as like a compatibility where like he has a lot of

goals and like is always pursuing something. And I'm a little bit more chill, but I'm also like a super loyal and supportive person. So like, I want to be there for him i am like a hundred percent in on like helping being there doing what i can to support but i think he would rather i am have my own like big goals and that like we are working on things like because we're both working on really hard things that's how we like connect what's he do for a living he is like a finance accounting he does a lot of like okay like cfo type things for like small companies good for him and and and so did he specifically say this to you or yeah yeah and those in like more or less words his big issue is like why he's

like resistant to dating you and getting to know you and building this relationship because you don't want to be a like a cfo like him i mean i'm being somewhat sarcastic i think he just feels like that would be a really great way for us to connect what he wants to talk about accounting with you um no not like accountant like not like accounting just like life like whatever goals he's working towards let's be personal or professional goals that like i have like my own goals i's working towards, let's be personal or professional goals that like, I have like my own goals I'm working towards. And then because we're both like working towards hard things, we then can relate to each other on how we can support each other.

That could be literally anything. First of all, like two super ambitious people doesn't mean they're romantically compatible. It doesn't. It can. That by itself is not like, oh, well, they're too career-driven.

That could be something they butt heads about. Often too professionally driven people, one person's professional dreams might get in the way of another person's professional dreams. And that's also what I think. I'm like, what happens if we got married and had a family like no not good to give up our dreams but like someone people have to like compromise and you have to like start taking a step back that's why i'm fascinated by the fact that you guys are both like devout i'm is it christian are you christian christian okay

so you're devout christians it's like he it's like he's a fuck boy trapped in a christian's body you know because it's like it may look what's what's this guy's angle he's 40 fucking two years old i'm excuse my late i'm swearing in front of you no you're okay uh he's 42 years old um he is a devout christian man who has abstained from sex for 42 years and he's talking to you like a fuck boy as if like, he doesn't want to settle down. What's his angle? If you were any other person, right? You know, and you would have been like, yeah, we hooked up and you know, whatever. And we're, you know, I'd be like, yeah, you know, he just, he doesn't want to, I mean, he still probably doesn't want

to prioritize you over all the other things he wants to prioritize. I'm really curious. Like what, what does this guy want? What's his angle? Right. I, the reason why I say this, you over all the other things he wants to prioritize i'm really curious like what what does this guy want what's his angle right the reason why i say this because like every you know in hookup culture like if i had to oversimplify i'd be like yeah i mean they just probably want to like sleep around and and not have the responsibilities of a girlfriend and and and they want to date around and yada yada and he he can clearly date around as a devout Christian man, but like, doesn't that just fucking get old? I mean, the only upside to dating around

and having the variety is hookup culture in the sense that like you kind of get to have sex with a bunch of different people. But if you're someone who is either over it or it just goes against the grain of your faith or your religion, honestly, I'm just trying to figure out like, why not try to build a connection with anyone, literally anyone, someone, you know, like what is he? Yeah. What is he holding out for? Is he just

like a big fan of rom-coms? I think he, I think he's holding out for that great match to then have a wonderful, fascinating life. Yeah. Well, he is 42. Hasn't happened yet. I hate to burst his bubble. He might have a warped sense of reality when it comes to his romantic life. I want to meet this guy and be like, what are you holding out for? Listen, maybe it's not you. You know what I'm saying? Maybe he just at the end of the day, it's not you. But the way you tell this story, there's things that aren't adding up for me, which I'm not saying you're, but what it doesn't add up for me is here's this virgin 42, 40 some year old man at the time you guys made out and you're like, Hey, I want to date.

He's like, you know, romantic connection. And then the fact that he couldn't hang out in the friend group, you know, he had to avoid you for two years then you guys reconnect and you fall back into the same trap of you know having one-on-one conversations getting you know talking about each other and the cycle and so you know and making out a little bit like what i don't get it you know it would make sense to me if you were like oh you know i like this guy we made out a little bit i tried to date him and then like he was like no and you were like oh but i really like him and so then you avoided the group for two years and then finally you came back and you and then you tried again he's like no still don't know like we can be friends but i'm just i'm just not feeling

it i'm just i'm so confused by what this guy's angle is and that's also what's been like here's something else that might make you even more confusing is like we have this cycle we have these things we go on the break for like a couple months and then someone reaches out and like you know and so i've asked him i'm like why do you keep coming back to me like it should be so easy to get over me right we break up one time because of your connection reasons and like not being able to like get to the point that we're like, get where you want us to be. Like, and then, so we like break up and things and we don't talk, you know, like it should be so easy to get over me. You know, it should be like, oh, I miss, I miss her. Well, like, but we didn't have a great connection and that sucks. So like, fine, you know, but you, you keep coming back around and reaching back out to

me. Have you ever asked him like, what the fuck do you mean when you say you don't have a great connection? I don't know about you, but to me, I would think, you know, think out the word great. I don't know, maybe great's overselling it. But I feel like two people who seem to have a hard time hanging out with each other when the expectation is we no longer can be involved romantically. And that's off the table. And then two years later, you come back and we pick up pretty much right where we left things off. I don't know. I don't think that happens with most people. I would argue that maybe there is some kind of connection. And maybe the only reason why it's not as great as you, that you want it,

is because you're not actually ever willing to give it a shot i mean like why like if nothing else why isn't he willing to try what is he holding out for like oh save the friendship but clearly what what friendship you guys clearly didn't hang out for two years in the two years that he chose to avoid you he could have dated you learned he hated you broke up with you and then just have the answers that he wanted. And I don't understand what is a finance man, CFO working in a small business, he alone should understand how the waste of time that he has done on himself as it relates to you two. Yeah, I don't really know.

Unless I'm missing something, this story sounds kind of ridiculous. I would say, yeah, I think that's the thing. It's like everybody who knows that's like all of our similar friends, right? They're like, on paper, you guys seem great. But does he have just kind of a very, it's almost like he has a very immature ideal

of what a relationship should be. And maybe there's some element to like, the fact that he has waited so long for for sex and maybe he has built this up in his head it's like well whatever i have to have sex it has to be you know someone who i know is gonna be the mother of my children plus a porn star i don't know is he like trying to collect this super duper woman in his head i don't really know what he wants. He's not here. I can't talk to him. But if nothing else, it makes no sense why he is wasting his own time saying no to getting to know you more and building a connection and then avoiding you for two years only to come back to the group and fall into that same pattern.

Makes no logical sense. And I know most men, if I'm oversimplifying, like logic. They like problem solving. They like very basic kind of like, you know, take the emotions out of it. You know, just very. So why have him make sense about it? So what is he holding out for i don't know either i guess yeah i think it's just i think he's holding out for that yeah very like special

what i might classify as like unrealistic expectation of somebody of like a part like a romantic partner like i feel like he'll describe his friendships like he's like i have these great friends where like i can't put them on this or i connect with this person on that and like i don't know why i can't connect with you like in those ways connect with you how i guess like yeah that's really what's kind of confusing and i i try to always dig into it but he kind of ends up talking in circles forgetting about what he has to say if i were to talk to you like tell me how you think you two connect right we have i feel like we have like similar interests so i feel like we can have a lot of fun together we can like joke around really easily together yeah i want to talk to this guy available can we call him oh he would probably hate that i

would call this why um he's very like private tightly wound anal yeah he needs to loosen the fuck up i think maybe yeah. Yeah. I'm just kind of more fascinated by your story. I feel like I'm not being very helpful. I'm just kind of like, Oh no way. So I guess what could you do about it? You need to stop listening to his bullshit, I guess. You know, like you, like you said, he kind of talks in circles. It has like taken a hit on like, yeah, sometimes my self-confidence where i'm like am i not like interesting enough am i not like engaging enough well that's a thing i mean anytime he goes into this like whole why he can't date you i think you just need to like kind of shut it down be like listen you know

i've kind of heard all the things that you think ultimately why you don't think i'm good enough to be your girlfriend and like you have a right to feel that, but like you make no sense and just say that. And what do you mean no sense? It's like, I know how I feel about you. I know I care about you. Like I, you know, your whole like, I need to be as professionally driven.

And what, why? What does it have to do with a connection? My lack of matching your exact drive or our ability to like talk about finance or career goals. It's like, is that really what you're looking for in a relationship? Also, like what is causing you to not get over me? Because you're not. You're the one who avoided me for two years.

And then after two years, you're the one who's like entertains this just like I entertain this. And we make out. If you don't think we're compatible, then why are you doing this? Because we could have figured this all out. Explain that to me. You have to like wake him up. He's kind of stuck when it comes to the two of you. And I would say like, oh, the two years off would have might have woken him up.

I always grab it. I'm like, I don't want to be the one to like, yeah, burst his bubble and try to be like, try to convince him to like, quote unquote, maybe like settle. Yeah. I don't think you should beg for him to be your boyfriend, you know?

And I don't think you should give him a whole like PowerPoint presentation of why you two should date. I think you should just ask and stick to the obvious kind of talking points as to why this has just been a giant waste of both of your time. What is the state of your relationship now? Like, are you guys talking? No, we ended things again about like a month or so ago. So now we're in the like, okay, we're not talking, give each other space. Is he avoiding you again? No, I haven't seen him, but I haven't necessarily been to anything that I think he would need to avoid me at.

Gotcha. Why is this guy your ideal man? I think for all the reasons I've said in terms of like how I feel about him, in terms of like being able to be, you know, have fun, be light, but also have deep conversations. And then, yeah, there are qualities about him that I admire that I would like, that I think would also like me, that I've always been like attracted to, like the drivenness. And he's also very kind to all of his friends and family, like his friends are his like family. So he's super kind and loyal. He is patient sometimes, most of the time, maybe not when it comes to like our emotional connection and wanting it to be more, but he can be patient and kind.

He seems a bit indecisive. Yeah. It's like just so weird because I feel like in relationships, he's super indecisive, but no one else would explain that, describe him as that if you were just like a friend. it but it like no one else would explain that like describe him as that if you were just like a friend yeah but there's something there's something missing here the fact that he is a 42 year old virgin he either has this immense willpower and stubbornness i mean i'm just saying regardless of how faithful you are to your religion as a human being as a as a as man, doesn't he want to? Or is he just used to not having sex? It's easy to abstain, but do it.

Yeah, exactly. That's kind of my point. It's not easy. You do it because it's important to you. And ultimately, I'm assuming you're willing to wait. But at this point in his life, I mean, he's getting up there. If he's not into you, he's not into you. I just don't understand the drama behind this situation. Why does he need to heal right now? If there's no emotional connection that would allow you to give it the old college try, then what does he need to

heal? That's why I'm always wondering. I know why I need to heal. Maybe why I need this space. But yeah, that's always my question was like, why do you keep coming back to me it should be so easy to be to get over me and just forgive the question but i'm just i'm out here there's no chance that he might be like you know secretly into men and just hasn't realized it it doesn't make sense that he isn't even willing to try with you. And here he is, 42, going on 43, still like being devout to his religion, abstaining from sex, and also kind of being this avoidant person who doesn't want to try. The only guess that we all have, the three of us can come up with in this room, is that he's looking for this ideal partner. You would think that after 42 years, you might think to yourself, you know what,

maybe I don't even know what I want. He's searching for, I assume, a feeling as if he literally wants Jesus to come down and say, but I mean, all jokes aside, I feel like that's how ridiculous his expectations have gotten with who he thinks he is supposed to finally settle down with, propose to have a family, get married, and finally consummate the relationship. If he hasn't found that yet, maybe he needs to recalibrate what he's looking for. All this aside, the fact that he is the way he is, you should maybe start taking into account whether he means to or not. It's hard for you to not feel this is some sort of rejection. And then when we get rejected, our egos get activated and we're more focused on how can we prove to ourselves, our egos, and these people who are rejecting us that we are enough.

we prove to ourselves, our egos, and these people who are rejecting us that we are enough. And we get kind of fixated on being enough rather than fixating on why am I allowing this person to constantly make me feel like I'm not enough? He might be a lovely person and a great friend and loyal and nice and all these things, but you are, is for just focusing you for a moment, you are investing a ton of energy on someone who, at least in his personal life, his romantic life, is incredibly indecisive

to the point where he doesn't make sense. You maybe need to start considering the fact that as lovely as he might be, he is still a 42-year-old man who still can't seem to figure out his shit and if after 42 years is he going to i don't know yeah this is kind of who he is i think you might need to start more focusing on moving unless you want to go one more kind of last hurrah and just be like i'm just going to flat out say, I think you're making a mistake. I think you have an unrealistic expectation of what you think a connection means. And I'm not saying I'm your person, but I don't get why you need to heal

over someone that you claim not to have a connection with. After two years of not seeing me, I, for the life of me, can't understand why it's so easy for us to like, feel that what you claim to be not a connection, but like, clearly there is a connection. And then when you, when, when you once again decide that, like, for whatever reason, you can't even try to build a connection with me, that we have to take some sort of space, like, make that make sense. Can you even make it sense to yourself? And if you can't, like maybe you need to start figuring out like after 42 years, what's going to change, dude? At this point, you've tried every like logical, calm, you know, literally you have nothing to

lose. And honestly, I think the only thing you might have to lose as him begrudgingly and reluctantly dating you only to realize you're in a relationship with someone who's just kind of emotionally stunted when it comes to like being the partner that I'm assuming you want and deserve. But at that point, I think you need to start focusing on moving on and letting it go and start accepting him and not, and stop seeing him as this like amazing person who could be a great partner if he just was willing to give you a shot and start seeing him as someone who's a 42-year-old person who for the life of him is incapable of making decisions for his personal life and kind of hides behind his work and avoids having

connections with meaningful people for whatever reason. And you want someone who is more emotionally mature, who is willing to take a risk, who is willing to take a chance on you, who's willing to invest in you and do all the things that you think that you're willing to do for them. And the fact that he's not willing to do it for you, it's not just you. Can you let your ego know that there's a guy who is still a 42 year old version who seems to like anytime you meet someone pretty decent, finds a way to like figure out why it's not good enough for him. And that's a him problem. That's his journey and his problem that he has yet to figure out after 42 years. As I see it, I see this guy who like, there's something going on that's not adding up. No, I definitely agree with all of that. That's what I think I'm trying to do right

now. I'm kind of in the move on phase. I love that you're in the move on phase, but since you have nothing to lose, I think if nothing else, this will help you move on because it seems like you haven't really said everything that you've wanted to say. I get the impression from you that every time you talk to him, you have a measured approach because you're always worried about triggering him or saying something wrong or saying something to upset him or put him in a bad mood. And you're just you're always tiptoeing around this like emotionally fragile guy. And I think you should stop giving a fuck. And I think you should finally tell him exactly how you feel and not give a fuck about how he responds to it or his feelings. You don't do

anything or say anything just to be mean. You just finally, for the first time in your relationship, you just say exactly how you feel. You don't worry if it makes sense to him. You don't worry if he's going to understand it the way you mean it. You just say exactly how you feel. And if nothing else, you will have been able to just be like, you know what? I fucking said it. I got it out. Now I can move on. Yeah. No, I think that's all very accurate.

You need to stop this pattern as well. Because this approach doesn't work. Because he is either too afraid or too avoidant or whatever to try. And again, he could have dated you these past two years. You guys could have figured it all out. You could have been broken up by now. You could have been fully moved on. You both could have realized you truly weren't compatible. And yet he spent all this time just avoiding you only to have a couple of makeout sessions again and then have to heal from that. Like, what the fuck? If he was making business decisions about his life, he would have been

fired a long time ago. He would have fired himself. All right. Well, good luck. Keep us posted. Let us know what you decide to do. Awesome. Thank you so much. All right. Good luck. Keep us posted. I'm dying to find out what you finally end up saying. All right. All right. Good luck. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. See you back tomorrow bye