The Viall Files - E607 Going Deeper with Marie Forleo - Everything Is Figureoutable

Episode Date: July 6, 2023

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Going Deeper Edition! At the beginning of the episode, we discuss the age old summertime question–Marry, F*ck, Kill…Lake, ocean, pool.  Then, we are joined by life coach Marie Forleo who explains how to tell a legit life coach from a scammer, how to change your mindset, and how to learn to trust your body and learn to decipher what it’s telling you. She also shares her advice for young professionals who feel stuck in their life and want to initiate a life change.  Additionally, we are joined by a caller who had been blocked by a guy she was dating who had opposing desires on having children. After a recent reconsideration on having children, she wants to reach out again, but isn’t sure how to connect with him.  “The most important words are the ones we tell ourselves.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes. Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store. Android User? Listen here: https://www.onamp.com/  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com   If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Paramount - Paramount Plus. Stream Now.  Béis - Go to http://www.BeisTravel.com/VIALL for 15% off your first purchase.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @marieforleo @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell 

what's going on everybody welcome back to another patriotic episode of the vile files fourth of july week edition i hope y'all had a safe and fun fourth of july also just thanks for tuning in today because i know a lot of y'all on vacation i am currently out on uh the lake same just kidding i'm in a flight i'm gonna take that back i'm flying back from brainerd international i will be at my grandfather's lake house that I bought for my mom. I'm the best kid ever. So exciting. Can we talk about how that was the ultimate update from this show? It was like the lake coming back like a year later.

Yeah, it was great. I don't know when I'll have announced it. I know. I was like, did I miss an episode? I'm guessing I'll have announced it by now. I'm not sure how, yeah, the timing of it all. But anyways, that's where I'll be. That's where I am. That's have announced it by now. I'm not sure how, yeah, the timing of it all. But anyways, that's where I'll be. That's where I am.

That's where I am right now. I will be in Cape Cod, Massachusetts by the ocean. And I have a question for you fine people, which is marry, fuck, kill, pool, ocean, lake. Marry lake, fuck ocean, kill pool. I have to marry pool. that feels appropriate i'm afraid of fish okay so brave thank you for being vulnerable thank you for being vulnerable it's very creepy when something touches your feet oh my god um yeah so i'd have to marry pool because it's the only thing consistent and probably ocean lake. It depends on which one has less fish.

Which one I can see less fish. Yeah, I feel like the ocean... Well, surely an ocean would have more fish. But I think with the waves, the odds of them touching you is a lot smaller. I agree. But the seaweed, the fake out fish is icky. Oh, you don't go to a lake with seaweed. Avoid that.

Oh, you mean in an ocean? Yeah. Oh. Oceans and lakes both have. Avoid that. Oh, you mean in an ocean? Yeah. Oh. Oceans and lakes both have seaweed. Huh. Oh, no. Is there a difference between a lake and a pond? One's a lake and one's a pond, yeah.

Size, body of water. Oh. You usually don't have, like, motorized boats on a pond. I'm assuming it's size. I'm not a body of water expert. Yeah. But I believe a pond is the... Are you a pontoon or a speedboat dude well good midwestern question

uh i'm buying a pontoon an old one just around the lake for now are you anti-pontoon yeah what are you you can't do the shit you need to do on a pontoon eventually i want to get a speedboat but like that shit's expensive and like there's just a lot of a lot of things were going on and so just got an old used pontoon boat for fourth of july weekend and then we will reassess are you gonna get some jet skis are you gonna go tubing i want to do all the above love yeah i want yeah but it's expensive yeah yeah how much do you on vacations like do the activities like the jet skiing the snorkeling all that stuff versus like just like I'm reading a book and I'm in the sun? Yeah, I like relaxing. I mean, it's been a while since I've been on the lake.

I like water skiing. Yeah. So I'm looking forward to picking that up, but I won't be able to this summer. Yeah, you can't. You got to find someone to drive. Would your dad drive and you ski? Sure. But we just don't have the boat.

I understand. I understand. I have a lot of follow-up questions yeah i don't know where i think we might do some remodeling you know we'll see oh tear it by the grandpa's house the tear it bye you know the bones it's absolutely the bones and like the concrete steps still have my parents like my mom's like naming card from like 60 years ago or something aww that's so cute

uh and the swing set's still there my great grandfather's birdhouse there's so many like cool things aww and then the view

it's like the like property it's really just about the property and the land yeah so should be fun but anyway company field trip what

company field trip yeah maybe someday yeah a retreat because like absolutely not I would be all over that y'all would be doing improv games

and I my schedule has been filled the fun ones I don't think those exist and we do like bonding activities kumbaya kumbaya folks

does drinking count as a bonding activity it certainly can Allie it most certainly can great for a lot of people well thanks for listening, as always.

I hope, I'm glad you guys took the time to listen to us on this holiday week of yours. We do have a great episode for you. I think just a little like a self-reflection episode with our guest Marie Forleo, like a life coach. Life coach. Life coach. I've always been fascinated by life coach not all life coaches are

created equal but Maria is kind of legit endorsed by Oprah yes so that's that's quite the endorsement when it comes to life coaching and she has a New York Times best-selling book

everything is figure outable and I feel like so many of the themes of that book come up in our conversations that's really out shit life is all about perspective and resiliency and things like that.

So we have a great and inspirational episode for you today. I hope you guys all enjoy it. Be safe out there. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick. Also, don't forget

episodes if you're bored and if you're needing more content out there your family's not paying attention to you you hate the 4th of July whatever it is check out Vile Files Plus for all your update specials your episodes of Better Day Than Never that you didn't get to listen to live all your pop culture roundups and pop off

episodes our weekly pop culture content that we drop every Friday and if you're extra lonely today after you've done all the other things, head over to our YouTube and like leave a comment. There's a whole community over there.

Subscribe. Yeah. For all the times we do something we refer to that you want to see, maybe get a visual of it. It's always on YouTube. Yeah. And we read the comments

and like sometimes we'll respond to them. Like people make amazing points and we engage with them. So please like join the conversation. We'd love to have you. Plus we get get a dog cam so right now we're looking at dog and if you're listening to audio don't see the dog uh lots to get into uh we love you let's get to marie marie welcome thank you so much for having me on. Thanks for coming. We're honored to have you. It's a pleasure.

And I have this really cool, amazing... Kiki, the office studio dog? Yeah. Is it the office dog or the studio dog? I don't know. I think office dog. Office dog. She really acclimates quickly.

She's doing well. Yeah. Her stranger danger has really gone away since joining the office. I think this has been exposure therapy for Kiki. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, I'm loving it been exposure therapy for Kiki. Yeah. Yeah. I'm loving it. Well, we are very excited to have you.

You're our first life coach that we've ever really even considered having on. Oh my God. That's amazing. Yeah. Well, when you get the Oprah stamp of approval, you know, it opens up doors. No, but seriously, I'm really fascinated because I think I'd really be interested to hear your perspective because I'm even someone who like on this show, like we just started like, hey, I'll give you advice. And it kind of turned into a thing where like people really enjoyed it. And I tried to be very responsible, I suppose, with the advice I give or don't give.

And we kind of live in a world, the Internet world gives a lot of access to anyone to kind of share their opinion and share what they want. And there's a lot of self-identified, you know, life coaches and gurus. And I'm really curious from someone in your position, how do you kind of address criticism or, and I'm assuming even for someone like yourself, it probably frustrates you to see it be kind of be a wild West of kind of anyone kind of self-identify with this stuff. So I would, you know, in your mind, what qualifies someone to, to do what you do or be a life coach and how do you separate yourself from, I guess, literally anyone kind of like a podcast. Like anyone can start a podcast. Totally.

Like your barely entry is kind of easy to identify or things like that. So how do you address that? And how do you address natural skepticism that comes with this type of work? Well, I'll tell you, I actually hate the term life coach. I've always hated it. And I discovered this world way back when I was like 22 years old. So I had just graduated college. I had worked on Wall Street. That was definitely not for me. And I was trying to find my way in the world. I worked at magazines for a while. So I'd gone through this

journey and I couldn't find my place. And I kept wanting to quit these like great jobs. And I have a really strong work ethic. I had really big dreams. I wanted to figure out how to use my life to somehow do something meaningful. And I found myself after all these job failures at Mademoiselle magazine and I was on the internet and this is back in like 1999, right? For context, I found myself on the internet probably when I shouldn't have been. And I stumbled upon this article about a new profession at the time called coaching. And it was all about how you could actually build this entire career out of supporting

people strategically to help them bring their biggest dreams and goals to life. Now, when I read this article, Nick, something in my heart literally lit up like a Christmas tree. It was like the clouds parted and little angels popped out and then, oh, it was like, oh my God, this is what you're supposed to do. But at like 22, 23 years old, the voice in my head was like, what are you thinking? This is the cheesiest thing ever. You haven't even lived life yet. You're like piles and piles of debt. You keep quitting every job you have. This is just going to be one more thing you fail at. But I couldn't deny that something about this new quote unquote

profession was really, really aligning with something in my heart that I couldn't give words to. And so I wound up signing up for this coach training program while I was doing my magazine job during the day. And I started gaining these skills in terms of understanding how to listen and understanding how to ask questions and understanding also about just personal development, which is not one of the things that I was ever exposed to as a kid. And I just didn't know this whole world existed. And so fast forward about six months and I got a call from the HR department at the magazine. They had a job offer for me for Vogue. And this is my fork in the road. It was like, do you're going to take the kind of steady job with the health care,

the paycheck, people understand what the hell you do. It's like prestigious. Or are you going to quit and do this like weird ass life coaching thing that nobody has ever heard of? You're even skeptical of yet it feels right. And so I quit my job. I went back to bartending and waiting tables, which is how I put myself through college. And I figured out how to become a great coach. And I never got comfortable with that term. I never got comfortable with it. I was so insecure and so full of my own self-fear and doubt that all I did was focus on getting people results.

I would coach anyone, Nick. I was begging my friends to just let me help you achieve some goal. What is it? Anything I could do just to get experience? And then over time, it just became a thing where I found myself just viewing myself not as as like a sage from the stage, but like a guide on the side, someone who is deeply interested in my own journey and other people's journeys, and then would just share anything that I found that I felt could remotely help someone because it helped me. So that's kind of my own personal experience

in this. And anytime people are like, oh, life coach, I'm like, I hate that fucking term. I still hate it because it just doesn't feel true. Yeah. And how, I guess, someone who sees a lot of self-identified life coaches out there, how would you, I guess for anyone listening, let's say they are curious about a life coach. Maybe they think they're in need of someone. And obviously, you know, hopefully they think of you, but let's say that's not an option for them. How would you recommend someone qualify a life coach?

Someone who's out there, who's claiming to be someone who can help. I mean, yeah, you know, there's a guy on the bachelor a couple of seasons ago that was a, a life coach, Carl mentality,

a mentality coach, you know, and he went to his website, charged these outrageous prices. And, you know, for some people, it could seem like maybe a scam.

So how would, how would you recommend people kind of, again, qualify people and vet these people out so that they are investing their money wisely? Okay, a couple things. One, what's great, I think, about the world that we live in today is people usually have content out there, right? So whether it's written content, whether it's a book, whether it's podcasts, whether it's videos, ask yourself, how do you feel when you engage with that person's content? Do you come away feeling more like yourself? Do you gain insight or do you

feel like, wow, that was really useful to me. I put that into action and I'm seeing results. And if you engage with their free content or even a book or something, that's like a small price point and you actually start feeling better and seeing results in your life, that's like tip number one. Tip number two, do they have any testimonials or referrals, right? Do they have anything that speaks to their ethics or the results that they get for other people? And then three, I think people really, you have to trust your intuition and also any kind of coach or therapist or guide, you're using them as a way to help find your own answers. Like if you're looking to someone like a life coach to tell you what to do in your life or do this or do that, I think you're setting yourself up.

Honestly, you're giving away your power and you're giving away your own agency in terms of what you really want to go to someone like me or like anyone for is for them to guide you to find your own answers, not to give you the ones. Okay. Have you ever turned a client away? Yeah. I mean, at this point, I actually don't work with people one-on-one anymore. So I find that what I do best and where my gifts really lie is in creating content, creating like courses, books, experiences where I can put together a curriculum and then walk people through it and then work with them in a group while they're going through it.

So I love the internet for that reason, because we have an ability to all connect and ask ourselves these questions, look at science, how can this work for me? You know, and so that's how I particularly work. I'm not a good one-on-one anymore because I just find it limiting for me. Obviously the one-on-one thing plays a role too, but not so much you specifically, but what's the difference between, obviously there's a license, but like from a therapist to a life coach, how would you discern other than like the license and things like that that go with being a therapist?

How would you discern the difference between what a life coach and a therapist offers you? And as a life coach, do you recommend simultaneously working with a life coach and a therapist or is it one or the other? I think that could be a lot. I think that'd be a lot. Okay. So first question first. So generally, here's a great way to think about it. Therapy is often about healing or understanding or resolving things in your past. Right. Totally useful. Awesome. Life coaching and coaching in general is usually about who you are and who you want to become.

So it's very strategic, forward moving, focused on a particular goal or an outcome. It's usually less about healing the past. Now, there are many people out there that are incredible therapists who also add kind of the coaching model into their skill set. So they're able to straddle and do both. That's not me. I don't have a therapy license. I didn't go to school for that. I remember when I actually started off as a psych major in college and in my first class, I walked in and I sat down and the teacher was like, hey, so just want you all to know that everything wrong with you can be traced back to your parents. And I just, I didn't agree with that necessarily. And I got up, I walked out and I changed my major. So I think that really thinking through therapy as a way to heal from your past and coaching as

a way to strategically have a partner in helping you build a better future. Okay. In terms of, you know, I think of, you talk about strategically going for like the future and things like that. A lot of people call this show and I think it's now more than ever. I think a lot of 20 year olds, I guess, even 30 year olds, you know, have kind of the, the sense of lack of fulfillment with what they're doing. Yeah. I've said before, I think we spend most of our twenties trying to live up to the expectations we set for ourselves as teenagers, which when you think about it seems crazy, but we do. And then yet we have a societal pressure to, you know, you know, go to college and pick a degree and then get a job. And then all of a sudden we're 26,

27, 28. And we're like, I fucking hate what I do, but I'm too old to go back and do something else. And so as a life coach, what would you say to the people out there who, you know, feel stuck in what they're doing, whether it's, you know, they're married with kids, maybe they're, maybe they're single or for whatever reason, how would you encourage someone to approach tackling a potential life change and what feels like too late for them in life. Yeah. So one of the things I think that's really interesting for us humans to realize is that whether you are 18, you're 21, you're 27, you're 32, you're 37, you're 38, you're 49, you always feel like you're too old. You always feel like you're never where you should be at

this point in life. So I think there's a certain amount of wisdom in recognizing that that little voice inside never fucking goes away. Yeah. And so, okay, going back to your twenties, how do we initiate a life change? I think step number one is getting honest with yourself about what's not working for most people, not all for most people. It's a lot easier for us to start to identify, like, what is the thing that's driving us and us? What is it that we hate? Is it the job that's making us crazy? Is it the relationship? Do we not have enough freedom? Do we're not making enough money? Do we not feel

like we're applying our gifts? So I think being really clear and specific about what's not working is step number one. So telling yourself the truth. Step number two actually comes back to a philosophy that has served me my entire life. I continue to use it every day. It's this notion, it's a belief, it's a mantra that everything is figureoutable. Literally everything is figureoutable. And so whether it is your career that's not working or your relationship is on the rocks or there's some aspect of your finances you feel like you're never getting ahead, anything

that you want to figure out in the world, it is possible for you. And you might not have the how to right now, but it is possible for you to get there. And then I think step number three is another mantra. This one saves me. Clarity comes from engagement, not thought. I remember, Nick, when I was struggling trying to figure out what to do with my life and I had started this life coaching journey. I was doing my training, but I was still I was like bartending, waiting tables. I was like, this is not happening. Like years were going by and I really wasn't getting traction. I also had these simultaneous desires around being a dancer, teaching fitness.

Like there were all these other aspects of myself that I was like, but I'm not just a coach. There was like so much more of me that wasn't being expressed and I didn't see it represented in the world. Like usually for me, I don't know if this is true for you. When people say, well, what do you do for a living? You're supposed to have one society approved answer. At least back in the day. It's like I always felt like.

It still feels that way. Yeah. I hate that question. I hate it too. And I would just like melt, especially as a bartender. People like, oh, are you an actress? And I'd be like, no. And then I would tell them about my practice and I'd tell them about this newsletter I was

writing. I was like, oh, and I also teach these dance classes. I do this, I do that. And that's when this term multi-passion entrepreneur came to my head. We can talk about that if we want to. But my point is, once I started getting honest about all the things that I was doing, I was like, why am I not taking dance classes? Because I thought I was too old. I was like 26, 27 at the time, which sadly in the dance world is actually over the hill. Most people are starting to wind down. But this notion that clarity comes from engagement, not thought, I wouldn't have known that I even had talent in dance because I never taken a dance class in my life until I got into Broadway Dance Center and took a class. And then it turned into this simultaneous career where I was starting to create fitness videos and became one of the world's first Nike elite dance athletes. Like none of that would have happened if I was sitting on my couch thinking like, oh, I think it's too old for me to be a dancer.

Clarity comes from engagement, not thought. Like break that down for me. What do you mean by engagement versus thought? So let's say somebody listening right now has an idea for they're interested in either, I don't know, becoming a musician, wanting to be a nurse, wanting to do research in some tech area, who knows what it is, but they have this little voice, oh, I'm just too old for me. I've already got my degree. I've already got this, got that. But they have this notion, this clarity around something that they'd love to potentially

do as a new career or some life change they want to make. My encouragement would be, is there a way for you to test it? Is there a way for you to go take a class, become an intern on the weekends, find a way to not just think about this possibility, but to go do it in some form. And here's the reason why we can talk ourselves out of anything. We can think about, oh, it's not going to be enough money. I'm not going to be good enough, all that stuff. But until you actually get out there in the field, like when you do that, your body has intelligence and wisdom, and it'll give you the feedback that you will never be able to get listening to a podcast, Googling or talking to your friends about it. As I continue to live life, I have continued

to find that most things, and I, you said, you said this, or you said your mom said this when she was fixing a radio. I was watching your Facebook lecture. I was on Facebook, but, um, Oprah Winfrey network, shout out. Yeah, there we go. Um, but I've, I've learned that things are often is, aren't as difficult as we make them out to be in our head. You know, I you know I've used this example many times in this show like you know I grew up in Milwaukee I always thought about moving and I was just like oh it seemed like such a big thing and then like I moved to Chicago and it took as much energy and effort as it took for me to move from one like Street in Milwaukee to

another Street in Milwaukee it was you know like took a literally 90 more minutes because it was 90 miles South of Milwaukee. And I just remember being like, well, that was fucking easy. Right. Why didn't I do that five years ago? You know, but it seems so daunting to like what, Oh, I'm going to live in a totally different city with different friends and away from my family and yada, yada, yada. And even moving to LA, I was like, Oh, that, that was easy. You know, it just, it's amazing what we will talk ourselves out of. And there's a million reasons why we can think something we can't do. But, you know, once we just try it,

we often realize that it's not that hard. It wasn't that hard. Well, that was my experience too. Like I had talked about the potential of trying to dance or being a dancer, literally Nick, for years. And then once I got my ass in class and started training, I was like, this is the best thing ever. It was amazing. And things

started happening really fast. That's why that notion of clarity comes from engagement, not thought. Like if you can get your ass out there and find any way to engage with it just as an experiment, you don't have to make a decision to like move across the country or, you know, totally change your career, quit your job or start it. You don't have to decide any of that. But if you get out in the game, your body will give you so much feedback either. This was the shittiest idea ever and I'm definitely not doing it. And then it's out of your brain or, oh, my God, I fucking love this. And then all of a sudden you don't have to talk yourself into making the move. Yeah. Right. I love your kind of mantra. Everything's figureoutable. I, it resonated

with me when I heard that. I think I've always, I suppose, been a natural problem solver. I just, even with little things I was trying when I, when I, before today I was trying to think of an example literally a couple of days ago. I don't want, it's bugging me that I can't think of it, but something trivial, some, just like a task. Um, like Natalie, my, my fiance asked me to do something and I had to problem solve basically. And I just, I've always had in my mind, I'm like, there's just, there is a fucking way to figure this out. There's always a way. I mean, I've always been very persistent as a young boy, you know, like just, there's always a solution to a problem. So that's just come naturally to me. But for, I'm assuming you're working with a lot of people where that kind of problem solving thought process doesn't come naturally. So how as a life coach,

before you even get into like coaching them, how to problem solve, have that mentality to like, realize that, wait, like, don't panic. Let's just consider that there's got to be a solution. Let's just figure out a different approach because sometimes we just get stuck and our first approach not working and then we get discouraged and frustrated and we quit. How do you change that philosophy and mentality with your clients or just the people listening to kind of give them some perspective of how to not get so bogged down and their first attempt at anything failing? Yeah. I mean, well, there's two ways we could approach this. I can tell the story of where the phrase came from, and that's usually how I teach it to

people. Because once they get this notion, because it's such a simple story, and we can implant that belief in their head. So all beliefs are a choice and all choices can be changed. All beliefs are a choice. All choices can be changed. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. So let's talk about where everything is figureoutable came from. And then we can talk about, because that's my, usually my methodology of I can implant that belief in someone's head or at least invite them to consider it. What I've seen, Nick, is that one belief on its own opens the door for people. They're like, holy shit, could that be true? If that is true, what does that mean? It means if everything is figureoutable, then I can figure this out. I might not know how to do it, but I can pick up a phone. I can send an email. I can Google. I can go on TikTok. There's like a gajillion things that you can do to start to pull the strings of how. So let's tell a story that. So here's where this phrase came from. My mom is this really interesting character. She's about 75 years old now. God bless her. She's still alive.

She's awesome. She's about 5'3". She looks like June Cleaver, if you remember that character reference. She has the tenacity of a bulldog and she curses like a sailor, which is where I get it from. She grew up the daughter of two alcoholic parents in the projects of Newark, New Jersey, and she really learned by necessity how to stretch a dollar bill around the block like five times. And when she was little, she made herself a promise. She said, when I grow up, I'm going to find a way to a better life. So one of my favorite memories

as a kid growing up in New Jersey with my mom was us sitting Sunday afternoons at the kitchen table clipping out coupons because she wanted to teach us how to save money. And I don't know if you experienced this in your childhood, but do you remember there were things called proofs of purchase that, you know, milk cartons, whatever cereal boxes, and you saved up a bunch of them and you can get like a cookbook or cooking utensils or something. Yeah, totally. So my mom's favorite possession was this orange radio. It was an AM FM transistor radio that she got from Tropicana Orange Juice for free.

And so it looked like an orange. It had a little red and white straw sticking out of the side. That was the antenna. And she loves music and she loves to dance. And she would have this little orange with her anywhere around the house when she was like doing housework during the day. So one day I come home from school and I hear off in the distance like I'm every woman. And I walk and I come to the house and it's like coming from up above, which was a strange orientation.

And I look up and I see my mom perched precariously on the roof of our two story house. And it was frightening because I was little and she's up there and it looked like she's about to fall off. I was like, Mom, what are you doing? Are you OK? And she says, Brie, don't worry about it. The roof had a leak. I called the roofer. He said it was going to be like 500 bucks. I said, screw that. I'm doing it myself. So then there was another day I came home from school and I hear this little radio and it's coming from the back of the house. And I walk in and turns out my mom's in the bathroom. So I

open the door of the bathroom and there's like pipes sticking out of the wall and there's dust coming out and it looks like a bomb went off. And I was like, mom, are you okay? Like what's going on? And she's like, oh, I'm fine. Don't worry about it. She said, uh, the tiles had some cracks in it and I didn't want the bathroom to get moldy. So I'm like retiling the whole bathroom. Now, Nick, you have to understand my mom's high school educated, right? So she didn't go to college and this is the eighties. So there's no internet and there's no Google and there's no YouTube. One day in the fall, I remember coming home from school and it was dark and I approached the house and it was completely quiet.

It was spooky. And for an Italian American house, if it's dark and there's no sound, there's definitely something wrong. So I go inside and I had this pit in my stomach, didn't hear my mom, didn't hear anything. And then all of a sudden there's like these little and it's coming from the kitchen. And I walk and I follow the sound and my mom's like hunched over the kitchen table, which looked like an operating room. There was big light coming down. There was like screwdriver and electrical tape. And then in about a dozen pieces, there was a completely dismantled Tropicana orange. I was like, oh, shit.

It's like, mom, this is your favorite thing. What happened? Is it busted? She's like, all right. You know, the antenna wasn't working. The dial is off. So I'm fixing it. And I sat there, Nick, and I was just watching her work her magic.

And I finally thought to ask the question I should have always asked, which is this. Like, hey, mom, how do you know how to do so many different things that you have never done before, but nobody's you know how to do so many different things that you have never done before, but nobody's shown you how to do it? And she puts down her screwdriver and she looks at me and she's like, Rhi, what are you talking about? Nothing in life is that complicated. You just need to roll up your sleeves and get in there and do it. Everything is figureoutable. And I shit you not, when she said that, that phrase like went into my soul and I kept repeating it over and over and over again. And it was like a million light bulbs went off

around this notion that everything could be figureoutable. And it's a phrase that if anyone adopts it and don't believe it's like, try it before you deny it, just adopt it. Just see if when the shit hits the fan in your life in tiny way like when your washing machine breaks or there's like something major when you say this phrase it has this impact of calming down your amygdala of getting your prefrontal cortex back online and of helping you tap into whatever that thing is that we human beings have within us that is a source of creativity and ingenuity and an ability to figure shit out. Yeah. You talk a lot about the difference between intuition and fear. Yes. I'd love to hear you talk more about that because, you know,

you know, we, we spend a lot of time talking about relationships and dating on the show. Yes. And I always get a lot of questions about, you know, what's the difference between, you know, I don't want to be paranoid. I don't want to be controlling. I don't want to get asked too many questions, but I also want to trust my gut. Like, how do I do that? And, you know, I often will answer the question something along the lines of, you know, trusting your gut is usually responding to something that's actually happening or information that you have. And intuition is you responding to something you're making up in your head, you know, uh, but even that can be, you know, hard to, to, to discern the difference. Uh, how do you, uh, coach people to,

you know, be in tune with trusting their bodies and trusting their gut, but at the same time, uh, not getting in their head and becoming paranoid and things like that. So it's definitely a skill. I think it's a skill like listening to your intuition and being able to trust it is a skill like anything else. It's learnable, it's trainable, and you do have to develop it. I also think that your body has so much wisdom in it.

And we're just in a time right now, not everybody, but for most people, we're more sedentary than ever. So if someone is a natural mover, like whether they work out a lot, they run, they swim, they dance, do yoga, whatever it is, people that move, I find tend to be more in touch with or have a closer ability to hear their intuition than those who don't. If you don't move your body, you're up here. If you're up here, you're fucked. You really are. This thing is, it's a pain in the ass. When you say up here, you mean in your head? In your head. Absolutely. Yeah. Sorry. For the listeners. Yes. I am pointing to the head. So fear and intuition, this is a good one. Here's a test that I always offer people because it's a great way to begin to train your intuition and to be able to feel

into what's true for you. So let's say that we're in a scenario where there's like an opportunity to say yes to something. It could be yes to a date, yes to some big career opportunity, yes to something. And you're like, I don't know, like this, something about this feels a little bit funky. Is it fear? Because you don't know if you have what it takes, if you don't know if you're going to get hurt, whatever the context is, or is your intuition trying to send you a big helping signal like, no, don't go for this. It's going to be a shit show. Here's what you do. When you think about saying yes to whatever this opportunity is, close your eyes, put your hand over your heart. It's usually a great way to just calm yourself down and to get in touch with your body.

And then you ask yourself this, does saying yes to this thing make me feel expansive or contracted? Now, the moment you ask yourself that question, if you ask it in earnest, not while your phone's dinging, you know what I mean? You just get yourself in a grounded place. Your body is going to have one of two reactions. So expansive, if the answer is expansive, it's either going to feel like your body's moving forward expansive, if the answer is expansive, it's either going to feel like your body's moving forward, like there's a lightness in your chest, like your energy is somehow expanding, you're lifting up. It can come in all different kinds of ways. It's very subtle. Contracted feels like a sense of dread in your stomach or your shoulders hunched

down or there's like a pit, just something in you is pulling back or moving away. If the answer's contracted, that's your intuition telling you do not go there. If it's expansive, even if it's scary, it's a yes. It's your soul saying, go forward. It might not be perfect. It's not going to be all rainbows and daisies and unicorns. You know what I mean? It doesn't mean that this is not going to be a big learning experience for you, but it's a great way to start to feel your way into not from taking polls from your friends about what your friends think you should do or your logic based brain, which is often based in the past. It's based in programming and historical conditioning, but you got to tap into that natural knowing that each of us has in our body. And it's a great way to get in touch with it. What will expansive what might that feel like for someone?

So like, almost like you're taking a breath, like a, like you're part of your body is actually moving forward in space. It could feel like your shoulders relax and things are reaching forward. It could feel like a little spark of joy, wherever that might exist. Do you really have to be kind of present, almost borderline meditating when you're doing this? I would say present is a better descriptor than meditating. I would say really present, grounded, like bare feet if you can,

just in your frigging body, not in your head. Need a break from reality? Feeling down? Well, cheer up, buttercup, because Paramount Plus has your great reality escape. Escape into the new seasons of the biggest competition shows like Survivor, Big Brother, The Challenge, World Championship, with the boldest personalities like the family Stallone, RuPaul's Drag Race, All Stars, and Queen of the Universe, and the wildest drama

like Are You the One? Plus hundreds of previous seasons all streaming at your fingertips. See, reality ain't so bad. Your great reality escape awaits you at Paramount Plus. Stream now. Base, gotta check it out. They're incredible. It's like the hottest luggage company out there right now. I am packing for the weekend and I am always stressed when I travel.

I never know if I packed everything. I'm going to a concert. I can't decide on what I'm going to wear because I'm going to base off of other people. So I know I'm overpacking, even though it's just a weekend trip. But I also don't want to have to check luggage because that's just another stressful thing. So you know what I am bringing? My weekender bag from base because base is an overpackers dream. You can fit so much stuff in all of their luggage. It is really just luggage that is so high quality and the functionality is so intentional. Yeah, it's function and fashion. Absolutely. And also, we would expect no less from our iconic Queen Shay Mitchell.

I love her. She made this sleek and she also made it affordable. Bags, luggage, accessories, everything you need to travel effortlessly and look fashionable. Also, it comes in so many different sizes and colors because like everybody has their own unique one that is like just their version. I love the Weekender bag. It has a whole compartment just for your shoes. God, so thoughtful. Jay Mitchell really crushed it. And I know that we're talking about the Weekender bags because we're both so excited by them and we both have a lot of like shorter trips coming up, but they have a whole line of luggage. So whether you want to try out their, you know, bags and throw it over your shoulder,

whether you want luggage that you can wheel around, seriously, go check out their website. We have colors, we have size, so much variety. You'll find exactly what you need at base.com. Obviously, Ali and I are raving about this, but if you want more than just our amazing reviews, you can trust the 30,000 five star reviews that base has. And right now, base is offering our listeners 15 percent off your first purchase. Go to base travel dot com slash V.I.A.L.L. for 15 percent off your first purchase. That's B.E.I.S. travel dot com slash V.I.A.L.L. Burnout is something you talk about a lot yeah um and i think when it comes to dating especially with dating apps burnout is a big thing big thing how would you i guess specifically for people dating out there uh but i guess just in general um how do you

recommend people deal with burnout other than like you know know, we'll say, hey, take a time out, take a break, you know, whatever. But do you have anything more specific to add to how people can tackle the feelings of burnout? And maybe it doesn't even require taking a break. Maybe there's other ways to go about still maintaining what you're doing. But, you know, stay fresh and focus on what you're trying to accomplish. Well, I think that, you know, there's a great quote that I love. It's not mine. It's around this notion that rest is not the reward for high performance. It's the prerequisite to it. I think that for so many of us, no matter what domain we're playing in, whether it is the dating domain, it's the creation domain of our career, our business. Like we've somewhat been programmed to think that we should behave like machines, like we should be able to go, go, go, go from the morning moment we wake up in the morning until when we hit the bed at night. It's like we should hustle, have it on 24, 7, 365. And the human body is just not made to do that.

And for people, if they recognize feelings of depression, anxiety, feeling like, what the hell? This is not even worth it. Why am I doing this? Those are all really good signals that you might be burnt out. And I think taking not just a break in terms of like, oh, get off the app for a couple of days or whatever it is. You actually have to reset the entire body. Being in nature, moving your body more, actually checking out what's going on from a biochemical state, nutrition wise, all of that stuff is incredibly important. If you want to be a high performer, not just a high performer in terms of your production, I'm talking in terms of your fulfillment and your happiness on a regular basis. So it would depend specifically like the kind of burnout or what someone would be, the details they would give me if I wanted to go

further on that. Do you deal with a lot of people? with their like romantic relationships because I'm assuming that's you know, I've you know, I hear a lot of stuff or seen a lot of stuff or read stuff that People will say when it comes to you know the secret of happiness or finding joy that most people will suggest that like you know, the secret of happiness or finding joy that most people will suggest that like finding that person or that life partner or someone, if you know, if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, if you want to have a family, that person that you have a family with is people get the most sense of accomplishment and joy from. So I'm assuming as a life coach,

you must have at least a lot of people coming to you with those types of goals. How do you work with them on that stuff? Yeah. I, you know, it's interesting when I first started that actually my first book was called Make Every Man Want You or Make Yours Want You More, How to Be So Damn Irresistible You'll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself. Because that was the topic du jour. And I had so many clients around my age at that time. And it was folks that were in their 20s and early 30s. And relationship was the topic because everyone myself included was looking for that special person so how do you make yourself irresistible to every man out there you know what the version one of the book was uh not as good as

version two of the book version two your ideas have changed and evolved oh gosh so how what were what was it and what is it now the one one it is now, which is the current version of the book, is really about presence. And it was about this ability that we each have to operate in the moment, to be with people in the moment, to not kind of operate from our old programming and also to not be needy, to like want someone but not need them, to not bring that desperate energy to anything. And when you show up as a human being in form, and again, this book was particularly directed at women. So that was the audience. Most of our audience is women. Oh, great. So this is a good line. It was about being and having so much joy and fun in your life. And that is like an attractor to the right man. And when a woman is in joy and having fun and feeling free, you are a super attractor to men. And I didn't realize that

because early on in my journey, man, I was so needy. And so it was just like bucking it up, doing all the wrong things. And when I got real with myself and started really falling in love with my own life and it was like, it was incredible. It was like a switch went off. So really, it's just more about investing in yourself rather than other people. Yeah. And having the confidence in yourself to feel and be free and joyful and to allow men to witness that. And you can want a man but not need him. can want a man but not need him. And I think that's a very interesting distinction to be able to express passion towards someone and desire towards someone without need, without desperation. I'm so curious. I think something that we run into with all of the callers that we speak with, and then I did matchmaking for a while. So like with a lot of the folks I worked with there

is kind of the way that the dating landscape, like the answer to what do we owe each other has gotten lower and lower. And we see all this kind of like poor etiquette and bad behavior. And I think as a result, people have a much more kind of aloof approach to dating of a sort of like just yeah, like I think people fear looking too eager, especially knowing with online dating, there's this world of possibilities. Yeah. And so I'm curious for you, like how someone can embrace the mentality of like I want someone I don't need them yes well also like stepping into the vulnerability of making yourself like kind of susceptible to rejection as a part of dating yeah I think well rejection is a part of life right we're all going to deal with that and so getting good at handling rejection and just being like okay that one that one didn't work out. Like that is again, another skillset we need to build. But I think one of the things that shifted for me was really

understanding like how powerful it is, especially as a woman. When I met my partner, Josh, I was actually the one to make the first move. I was the one to say, no, I want to be with you. Like, I'm like, you're hot, you're this, you're that. And it's like, I want to make this happen. And it totally threw everything. He didn't know what the hell to do with me. But there was such power that because I didn't need him, but I really wanted him. And I feel like there's a boldness and a freedom, especially for women to be able to say that and to be able to behave and kind of embody that energy. And yeah, the vulnerability can be there, but like have the boldness to go after what you want, but not need it. How did you meet your husband? I met him. We were both doing this kind of self-help. We were

going to a lecture in New York City and it was actually all about being in the moment. And independently, we signed up for a 10- day retreat in Chile. And we didn't know that we had both signed up for this. And it wound up, him and I, you know, ran into each other. We learned we were both going on this retreat. We wound up agreeing to share a car service together to the airport because we lived in the same neighborhood in the West Village. And I remember getting in the car with him. And it was literally the first date that never ended. And we just celebrated our 20 year anniversary. Congratulations. Yeah. So it was, you know, it's, it's been a long journey and we've gone through a lot and done a lot of therapy and done a lot, which I'd actually

love to talk about some of that stuff. Yeah. I was curious. I was like, you know, next question. Cause I know you mentioned that you and your husband we're not married but I'm married we're not married but we've been together 20 years you're your partner okay yeah how did you guys come to that choice yes of not getting married and obviously you've been together for so long yeah you've been in couples therapy but yeah I guess first question is and and that's great but what made you guys decide to take that path rather than the more traditional let's get married and all that? Yeah. So I am a strange being when I was a little girl,

like I never had the ideas of like having kids and being married. Like that was never my dream or fantasy. And when other little girls would talk about that, I just couldn't relate. And so I've never wanted to get married and I've never wanted to have biological kids. And so when Josh and I met, so we're we have a 17 year difference between us and he already had a son. And I was like, this is fucking amazing. He's older. Yeah, he's older. And so I was like, he already has a son.

So everyone else I dated previously was always like, I can't wait to get married. We're going to have X amount of kids. I'm like, are you looking like I've said no to that. That's not my path. And so with Josh, he's actually still really he's we always tease about it. We're going to have X amount of kids. I'm like, are you looking like I've said no to that. That's not my path. And so with Josh, he's actually still really he's we always tease about it. He's like, are you ready to get married this year? He just knows.

I said, look, if it's until it's right in my body, until my body says, yes, you are ready for marriage. I'm just not. I say you are my person. I don't want anyone else. I am so clear that that man is my soulmate. I don't want to be with anyone else for the rest of my life. But I'm also really faithful to my inner truth. And he totally respects that.

You still might get married. Yeah. Oh, and I'm open to that changing too. I'm like, if I wake up one day, I'm like, let's do this. We're going to Italy. We're doing whatever. We're going to city hall. I have no attachment to how it would be.

But if that happens, I'm game. It just hasn't, hasn't risen up. Therapy, you mentioned. Yes. Is that something you guys still practice? No, we went at a really critical point. It was when my stepson was leaving our, like he was going to college. And so it was like one of those big kind of transitions in life. And I was in workaholic mode and I had been for a long time. And so there was just a lot of friction and

a lot of things that we needed to work through. And so we did a couple of therapy, I think for like a year or so to work through some things. And then I will tell you, this is for anyone actually for you too, Nick, because I know you guys, you and your, your fiance, right? The best relationship modality framework set of tools that I've ever come across. And I've studied this a lot. Have you heard of getting the love you want? I'm not familiar. Okay. So for anyone, and this is my belief for anyone who wants to have a relationship that works long-term and for it to be really healthy, I would highly recommend doing work with Harville and Helen Hendricks. So they wrote a book in the 90s that was huge

called Getting the Love You Want, but they teach something called dialogue. And there's a set of tools that they teach and you can do a workshop with them online. It's like so inexpensive. I love them. I've gotten to know them because they literally saved our relationship like several times. They teach you how to communicate with the person that you love in such a way that it brings you closer together. Like when the shit hits the fan in relationships and you're like, I love you, but I fucking hate you. And, you know, you can't see eye to eye. There is a set of tools that you can use to resolve conflict so fast, Nick, and to get closer and closer and closer as you go.

It is phenomenal. Can you give you the little? Yeah, give us a little. Yep. phenomenal. Can you give you the little, yeah, give us a little. Yep. So it's essentially the process of dialogue is when you're with your partner and there's something that erupts and you need to talk it out, but you don't want to fight. So you basically ask your partner, like, are you available for an appointment? By the way, I'm going to set the context here. When I first learned about dialogue, I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. I thought it was so structured and so tight and not natural. I was

like, there's no way this can work. So I was super skeptical of everything I'm about to say. But because my relationship was more important than my egoic mind, I said, oh, well, I should give this a try because clearly they're good at this and I'm not. So I'm going to try it. So anyway, you ask your partner if they're available for this and I'm not. So I'm going to try it. So anyway, you ask your partner if they're available for an appointment. If your partner says yes, which they usually do, you say, okay, you take three deep breaths and you look in each other's eyes and you get really present with one another. So everything calms down, you get really present. Then you offer them one or two appreciations about themselves. So like I would say, Nick, I really appreciate how when I came in

to do the podcast, you gave me this really warm hug and it made me feel really welcome. And I really appreciate you for creating such a great environment where so many people can learn about relationships and not feel any shame or stigma and just get into the shit. And then I'd say, now I have something to tell you that might be a little bit difficult. And so you wouldn't be able to respond, Nick, when I said something like, Nick, the color teal of your book, I feel super offended by it. Okay. Making that up. You would say, Marie, let me see if I got that. The color teal of my book makes you feel really offended. Did I get that? So you would have to mirror what I said and then check in got it. And if you didn't get it right, if you couldn't mirror it accurately, I would give it to you again. And we would do this dialogue

until I felt so fully heard and seen. And then you would say, okay, let me see if I got all of that. You would do a recap and then you would validate my experience, meaning the feelings. Marie, it really makes sense that that teal blue would offend you. I could understand how that color based on your childhood would make you feel like you want to run out of the room. It's wild. And then we would hug for about a minute and miraculously fights dissolve. What happens if in that dialogue someone's like, right, respectfully disagree. do it you're not allowed to not allowed to do it or like what if i because i think sometimes a barrier to having that kind of productive loving communication is

like defensiveness being triggered so like how does it um address that and like mitigate the role of like that just reactive primal like no yep. Yep. So you'd want to do that. So this is the thing. I'm just going to put a plug in right here. It's a free video. If you Google search Marie Forleo, Helen and Harville Hendricks, you'll see us talk about this on our podcast and on our show. So I just want to say that because it is so valuable, this process. When you learn this tool and they train you in it, it is so structured that you if you're really wanting the relationship to be healed, you play your part and then you can flip, meaning then you could be the sender and I have to really receive everything that Nick

says and mirror it back to him and really get his feelings and his experience to the level where he feels heard and seen. And then if I have other shit, we'll flip back again. Like Josh and I have done dialogue sometimes for like an hour and a half if things have really heated. But by the time you go through it, it breaks down your ego. It breaks down the defensiveness. And when you do it from a genuine place of actually loving the other person, there is

no way you can stay rooted with your heels dug in to say this guy's an asshole or she's an asshole. It's impossible. Has there been anything that Josh has said to you at the beginning of like something he appreciates about you that's like really resonated or like just a really spectacular and meaningful compliment that he shared? Oh, my God. Almost every time. And that's the interesting thing about this, because usually when you ask for an appointment with your partner, you know, shit just went down. Do you know what I mean? Like, you know, something is up and you're just like, oh boy, like you either stepped in it, they stepped in it, or there was something happening in the environment where people

are hurt. You're hurt. Your partner's hurt. And when you start off with like two appreciations, it has this way of bringing down the temperature. And then you literally start to see your partner, not as an asshole, not as someone who just hurt you. It just starts to form these connection, energetic bonds that the communication opens up. And I've never seen anything melt conflict faster in terms of Josh. He loves I dance a lot. And so I usually get compliments on a lot of my dancing and bringing him coffee. And I feel like probably part of it is I feel like oftentimes fights don't get resolved or people don't feel listened to because rather than your partner listening, they're prepping their defense or their next statement. Correct. So it's like them knowing, OK, if I really want to say something, I can have my own session after this.

But right now I'm locked into the structure of literally just regurgitating it back. Yeah. Probably keeps you present. Yeah. It's so powerful. And again, it sounds like as I'm saying it, and even as you guys are hearing it might be like, that sounds so artificial. It sounds so frustrating. It doesn't sound natural. I felt the same things. And I literally, it's one of the reasons Josh and I are still together after 20 years is because of that single tool. Well, nothing's more frustrating than yelling at each other and not feeling heard. So yeah, this is an alternative to that. That's the thing. You're so locked in your point of view and you might be right about your point of view and your partner can also be right about their point of view. And what the dialogue does is it

forces you to not necessarily agree with them, but see their point of view and have your partner feel seen and understood. And I want to talk too about, we can hopefully get here, like one of the other tools that has helped us tremendously is thinking about, you know, obviously Josh is a man, I'm a woman, this is our relationship. Thinking through and understanding polarity, the polarity between male and female energies. Have you guys talked about that at all on the show? No, I don't think so. Please share. Okay. Okay, good. So here's one of the other things that, again, being with someone after that long, you know, the sexual chemistry, like we've been together a really long time and we're really committed and we're monogamous. But one of the challenges is,

especially for me as a very driven, powerful woman, Josh happens to be an actor. So he's like, I can very easily slip into boss mode. You know, I'm running a company, dozens and dozens of employees. So it's easy for me to stay in boss mode. Then when I'm with Josh and he's like, I'm not one of your employees, you cannot order me around. As an actor, he's super fluid and in touch with his intuition. He's highly creative. He's on set. He's so open. So he's really nimble in his, let's call them more feminine, creative energies. And I believe all of us have the full spectrum, right? We can lean into our masculine energies. We can lean into our feminine energies, regardless of how we

identify. This is one of the things that I learned because I fucked this up so much. For a man to feel fully in his power and in his masculine, if that is his power zone, the things that women can do to mess that up is you can criticize your man. You can control your man or try to control him, or you can close down your heart. If a man can't feel a woman's heart, and I'm so interested to feel if you believe that this is true, can't feel her softness, can't feel her vulnerability, no attraction. Yeah. And if a woman tries to control her man, because most men want to feel the ability to have total freedom, not good.

And if a man feels criticized, if you're constantly trying to make him your project and this is what's wrong and let me make you better, ain't going to do good for the bedroom. That I'll say is the number. Yeah. Yes. That'll. Do you know what the reverse are? Yes, exactly.

So there's three U's for women. If a woman feels unseen. So, you know, if I come home and I just got my cute highlights done, but Josh does not see that at all. Or if there's something, and it could not even be about my physical appearance. It might just be about something about my heart, my spirit, my energy. You know what I mean? Just feeling unseen, like I'm invisible. Misunderstood, right? So if I don't think that Josh is understanding what my day is like or the struggles that I'm going through, I don't feel understood. Or if I feel unsafe. And unsafe is not necessarily, it includes, but not necessarily about like physical unsafety. But if I don't feel like he's got the decision making, if he's driving the

bus, if I feel like, oh, I have to take care of everything, I don't feel safe. So I have to, quote unquote, like be the man in the relationship. It just absolutely kills sexual tension. Ladies. Yes. No. Could you see any of it? I can see that. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. It's really I'm so curious, like, because I'm a queer person. And so I have had relationships with men, women, non-binary people. And so I'm curious, like in some of this language that like in talking about like masculinity and femininity, like how like to like queer people who identify the same way, like might apply some of that. I think that for all of us, there's going to be fluidity in our energies. And I think that that polarity at times is where the sparks come. And so it absolutely doesn't matter how we identify. But I think that in many ways, I mean, have you experienced that in your own relationships where you like to have the dance and the dynamics between the energy? And sometimes if you have two energies that are the same, there might be great friendship,

but there's not a lot of sexual chemistry. Totally. Yeah. And so like if I'm strongly in my masculine energy force, for instance, and Josh is in his feminine, we might have some spark that like that might be. So it's not about the casing we're in. It's about the dynamics. Yeah.

It's so interesting. We hear from a lot of women in general, and even I just hear it all over you know but and I'd be curious your thoughts is a very successful boss woman as you described and very successful but a lot of women who are successful in their careers or make a lot of money feel like, and if they struggle in their relationships, a common complaint you hear is that men are intimidated by their success or men feel emasculated by their success. Yeah. And while I'm sure that's true in a lot of cases. Do you, what are your thoughts on that?

And what would you say to those women? Is there anything that you would suggest as someone who very much can relate to their level of success to maybe consider something that they could do differently, especially when you're talking about this type of energy, right?

Because could they, could it be, is it just their job or the fact that they make money or maybe are they nitpicking or critiquing or making the men in their life feel a little less than or devalued, not just because they make more money, but by the things that they're saying and doing in their relationship.

What are patterns you might've seen with other maybe successful women you, that you worked with who might struggle in their relationship and use that as not use that, but, but suggest that that is what's going on. Yeah, no, I'm, I would just look to myself and like the mistakes that I've made. Sure. And, um, it is understanding that as human beings, we're super habitual, right? Studies show that up to 40% of our lives are lived out of habit. So we're just going on autopilot because it's comfortable.

90% for me. Yeah. Big habit guy. Right. Real big. And so for anyone, like, again, for me, if I'm waking up in the morning and I'm at work and I'm hitting it hard and I'm kind of in that super focused driven mode from 8 a.m. until 6 p.m., I have to consciously shift gears when I'm with Josh because that it's just it's not attractive. Do you know what I mean? I can't treat him like an employee. I can't go down those same roads. And so the mistakes I've made is not

giving myself an opportunity to shift into a different mode and to say, wow, like, can I open my heart? Where's the softer side of me? Where's the playful side of me? If that hasn't been around all day. And so I think that also for women in relationship, if they are the breadwinner, if they are kind of managing everything, I think you have to have really transparent and open conversations with your man continuously because it's an evolution and you have to check in with them and see how they're feeling. Are there things, you know, be humble enough to say, are there things that I'm doing that make you feel like shit?

Yeah. Or how can I make you feel important? Absolutely. Men love to feel important. I mean, people like to, but men especially. Well, they also want to feel number one. Like most, don't you, wouldn't you agree that regardless, like your partner wants to feel like the number one priority in your life.

And if you can understand what makes them feel like the number one priority. So for me, Josh, I learned something about him when I it's not about cooking these elaborate meals, but let's say that he's on set. He's filming something. I happen to be home. I'm working from home. And let's say my day has a little more margin than his does. I've just ordered Indian food and it's like kind of sitting out. I don't even have to cook a meal, but it's just something like I've thought the fact that he might be hungry when he gets home or I've set out a little bit of fruit and there's like a plate for him. He literally feels so filled up with love because to your point, Nick, it's like I prioritized him. I thought of him.

That's all he needs. That's all he needs. And I think that learning those little things that you can do for your partner that make them feel like number one priority and also learning the things that you do, you might do unawarely that make them feel like shit. That's the game plan. For sure. That's great.

Awesome. Our texting office hours caller is here. All right. Let's do some texting office hours and then we'll close things up with Marie. Great. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock original The Traitors is back with a new season

of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate

murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series

The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean?

Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude. This is how you get

the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. How's it going? Good. My name is Kate. I am 36 years old, and I am playing with the idea of shooting my shot with a guy who blocked me on social media about a year ago. Okay. Tell us a little bit about this guy who blocked you and why you're thinking about reaching out. So I actually was on an Ask Nick like three years ago. Oh, you were? We're good to see you again.

Hi. A way long overdue update, but I was talking at the time about being a single lady on an adoptive wait list hoping to adopt so anyway my whole plan was to become a mom and I was talking about dating while waiting for potential adoption after we chatted I was starting to open up and go on some apps and I wound up getting this Facebook message from someone I didn't recognize at all and he basically said like hey I saw you on the apps. And I wound up getting this Facebook message from someone I didn't recognize at all. And he basically said like, Hey, I saw you on the apps a couple of years ago. And this is, I recognize a little weird and stalkerish, but kind of awesome. And he said my age parameters were set so that he couldn't message me because I was really, really narrow minded then. And so he said he'd been thinking about me, my name and thought hey I'll shoot

her a message on Facebook so he did anyway we wound up getting together we went on three dates it was complete fireworks for both of us and I happened to mention on date number three that I was on the adoption wait list and that I wanted to be a mom and he seemed to roll with it really well he talked about how he was raised with kids who were in foster care. His parents did that. And then at the end of the date, he said, no, I have to be honest. I really don't know if I want to have kids. How old was he? He is, I'm 36. I would say, I think he's like four years younger than me, but so not a ton. Okay. Yeah. So he was in his gosh, thirties, early to mid thirties at the time, I guess. And so we kind of hit a standstill there. He talked about how his relationship

with his parents aren't the greatest and he doesn't think he's going to be a good dad. So I said, Hey, like I know where I stand and it's fine if you're not there. But like, take some time and think about it. Let me know. And he wound up messaging me back. I said, like, when you feel like you know what you want to do, let me know. So about a week later, I heard from him and he had said he'd gone to his therapist, which I loved, and they talked it over. And he decided it just wouldn't be good for him at that time. And it really sucked for both of us because we had both expressed that we were really feeling it. So it was kind of awful, but let that time. And it really sucked for both of us because we had both expressed that we were really feeling it. So it was kind of awful, but let that go. And where I'm at in the process is

new laws came in for adoption where I live, where basically the indigenous population, which makes up about 80% of the adoptive children, now can't be adopted by someone like myself, of the adoptive children now can't be adopted by someone like myself, which is actually very positive. They're going to their own treaty land, their own bands. So it's a good thing, but it does mean that adoption is probably not an option for me anymore. The social workers have been really honest about that. So I really gut checked myself and I decided I would try to have my own biological child. So I went through that process and it didn't happen for me. So my journey has been letting go of that. And now I'm just kind of moving forward with my life and totally actually to the point that I'm comfortable with not having children now. And so I'm going through my mind and this is a good year after

I've tried anything. So I've spent some time kind of thinking like, do I shoot my shot with this guy again? Now the blocking part comes in where I'd sent him a couple messages off and on because I'm still hung up on him. I knew I was. And he was very kind. We had great chats. And at some point, because I was thinking about shooting my shot this last December-ish, I went and looked and I noticed I couldn't see his facebook anymore so i had my friend look at it she's like no i can see um she's mutuals with him and i was like oh okay so i've been blocked so my thought as to why i was blocked is just that we were going nowhere so why are we still chatting um but it also makes it hard to shoot a potential shot and whether or not I should.

So there was no like conflict or anything like that. You're just talking. Not at all. Okay. So you've tried adoption. You tried conceiving through, you know, sperm donor and things like that. Just out of curiosity. Well, I mean, and that's great that you've wanted to be a mom on your own, but have you, like, what about the old-fashioned way of, like, maybe you'll find a partner who wants to have kids someday, and whether you have kids or not, but maybe that's something that you guys could try together, rather than, you know,

realizing you can't adopt or it's more difficult and the, you know, artificial sperm donating didn't work out for you. Obviously, I'm sure there's some cost, expensive and emotional and a lot that goes into it. So I can understand why you set that aside. But why has that mean you've completely stopped trying to have children? I guess it doesn't mean I've completely stopped,

but I've just had to make peace with it for myself. Two different reasons or thoughts go into that. Number one, being 36, if I were to have a baby, I still want to make sure I'm at an age where I can care for that baby, where I have energy, where I'm not getting to retirement age by the time that comes. And that's just a personal choice for me. The other one is after going through the treatments I did, I didn't get any kind of diagnosis whatsoever that I was infertile. But the statistics would show that if I wasn't successful in the amount of times I tried that it's probably there's something more going on. So I think for myself, I've just

had to let go of it and just not say that it will never happen. Because if I do wind up with a partner and we do try and it happens, great. But I think for my own sanity, I've had to let go. And I've actually found myself to the point of really kind of enjoying the idea of having a little money, going on some trips, spending some time with the significant other. So I see the benefits in both. I'm by no means saying absolutely not. If someone wants to try, I just don't know how realistic it will be for me. I just think I think you're in such a great place. And the question, the big question, like, do you shoot your shot? It's like, why not? Like, why not show up and just like as a ball of joy and love, just check in on this human and the same way that you are so beautifully like, hey, if this is meant to happen, it might happen. If it doesn't, I'm at peace with it. I think it's the same thing with this human. Like you should show up as the ball of amazing love and joy and life and energy that you are in this person's space. If they respond amazing, if they don't amazing detach. I love that. Yes, I love that. And that's what I feel. And it's part

of why I haven't been dating a ton lately. Like I've been on the sites, but I'm half in it because I'm just, I don't want to screw with how awesome my life is right now. But I also know that like long-term, yes, I'd like to meet someone. And he just keeps popping up and I'm like, I never did fully close the chapter there. So maybe I just need to see if it's going to close or open again. I don't know. Why do you feel like dating might screw with your life? Obviously, it has its challenges. Yeah, I think the biggest part is just wanting to meet somebody who really fits my life. I went through, I mean, I think everyone does where they try and change themselves for someone

else. And I think it's really difficult to find somebody who really is aligned with who you are, what you want. So it's possible. But as everyone says, who writes want. So it's possible. But as everyone says, who writes the show, it's exhaustive. And I just need to convince myself that it's worth it. And I'm not really in that part yet, unless it's somebody that I have some history with, like this guy I'd be willing to shoot a shot with. I'm still out there checking out the dating sites,

but I'm definitely not full heart in it yet. Can I ask you a question? Of course. Would you be willing to let go of the story that it's so hard to find someone who might be aligned with you? Because I know from my own experience in life, whatever story I tell myself consistently, I will make that true. Okay, that's fair. Just as a possibility, something to consider, food for thought, something to try on, like you would try on a new sweater or a new sweatshirt. What if I let go of that story? And what if the same approach of showing up as this beautiful ball of energy and light in this guy's DMs or in a message,

what if you showed up on the dating apps for actually your pleasure and not anyone else's? What if you showed up to explore the possibility of like you being so in love with your life that you're having so much fun that whether the person across from you is like the one or not, you like just gain experience of being yourself no matter what. Yeah, I love that. And or you're just adding maybe you're dating because you just want to share your awesome life with someone or share these, this awesome, you know, have these experiences with people, you know, because it's nice to share experiences with other people and connect with people. And so I love that idea of kind of changing your narrative because she's absolutely right. Like if you tell yourself something over and over, like it, you'll definitely make it true.

No, I like, I like that perspective. I'm definitely one that's big into what you put out there is what's going to come back to you. So I'm willing to consider that the inside of me is like, but I'm introverted and I really, I love my time to myself. Sure. But you're also the one get anywhere. Yeah. I'm going to interrupt you just for funsies. So two things. One, you're the one who's always in charge of which you say yes to, like what dates you say yes to. So you can be like, oh my gosh, this is, I'm dating myself today. Like this is my date with me. I'm going to sit and watch my thing or do whatever it is that you do. And then here's the other just thing if you want to play with that I, that saves my butt. The most important words in the universe are the words that you say to yourself. I love that. That's huge. I can challenge that. Yes,

love that that's huge i can challenge that yes yes i can good i love it um yeah so as far as this guy i would shoot your shot i mean how you do it you said your two options are you could go through your friend who's still facebook friends with them or you can send them a work email yeah they both suck hey i'd go i think work email is kind of fun with email it's like is it though okay but like further he's a lawyer he's a lawyer he's like yeah show up unexpected like we don't need to like send him a nude but like i think an email is fine even if he's a lawyer to date invitation you know like have some fun with it actually that's a great that's a great uh subject you just got served a date i think yeah okay so subject this is is so fun because usually with texting office hours we're just writing a message. The fact that we get to

write the subject line of the email is exciting. So potentially you just got served a date. No, I think it's like you just got served all right, copywriting coming in here. You just got served dot dot dot preview text a date or a date and you get I feel like there should be a gif in this

email like something that's a pattern interrupt something that would be unexpected that this guy is not usually going to get in his inbox and it's going to be some spark of either humor laughter joy unexpectedness and there's no human on the planet who doesn't want those things showing up in their inbox totally my one question is and my caution is I don't know if he's with someone or not for sure what nick yeah he'll let you know like i definitely think you should shoot your shot but like it's a coin flip he did block you you know so there is that i feel like there's like a five percent chance i love that i love that you're thinking five%. It's better than you thinking 95%.

And maybe you'll get surprised, right? So I love the subject line, send a gift. And I wouldn't write anything much longer than I've reconsidered my position on children. I've thought a lot about you. I'd love to grab a drink or something. I don't know. So when we're thinking a gift, are we thinking like ridiculous dance gif? Or we think, what's the point?

Whatever. I don't know what y'all's history was or where those sparks flew. Maybe it's the Homer Simpson going back into that fence because you've changed your mind. Yeah, that whole I must have kids, we can't talk kind of thing. Me on must having kids.

Me on having to have kids. And you create a little meme on kids. Me on must having. Yes, yes. Me on having to have kids. And like you create a little meme right up there. Oh my God. It's hilarious. And then maybe below, like in all seriousness, like, you know, my priorities have changed a little bit, but I haven't stopped thinking about you. Oh, that's good. That's really good.

That's good. That's real good. I love that. I'm really good at this. I do like that. That feels true to me. Yes. And I also like obnoxious humor so like

so write this down so you don't forget subject line is you just got served you just got served a date you just got served dot and then what is it to whom it may concern my and then it's like i think marie was saying like uh with the gif of homer simpson disappearing into the hedge be like my deal breaker of having what did we say like it's something like uh like my position on must having kids yeah kids. And then what Nick said. And then the gift. Uh-huh. The gift.

And then it's... My priorities have changed, but I haven't stopped thinking about you. My priorities have changed, and I haven't stopped thinking about you. Yeah, I like that. In all seriousness. In all seriousness. That was perfect. My priorities have changed.

But I haven't stopped thinking about you. I'd love to grab a drink. Correct. Boom. I love that. It's like just the right amount of forward but still respectful yeah it's powerful and if it feels genuine to you like we obviously haven't heard the beginning of this episode but we were talking about the beginning like one of the most attractive

qualities for men is a woman and her joy yes i guess so if it's something you enjoy and it's something you love and it's true to you also can't your friend figure out if he's dating someone um okay i did have her do a little recon for me let's be real but that was before christmas and as far as she could tell there was no one also does he have instagram like i mean who's using facebook no he's he is super not into social media which is again something i really liked about him like he has facebook just to connect with people and i mean everyone's going to say that oh the mysterious guy but he's really not he just is more about his job like that's the life for him so okay i think you do that and i also think like this like if you do decide to

return to online dating like throwing in some gifts like for me it's like i think if i was like dating like a pirate like is kind of the way i where i'm just like i'm gonna say some crazy shit and see if they can like hit her made a hinge account and i have a whole statement about being an otter and how they're loyal but they also like to chill solo with their ice chunks like i threw in some ridiculousness which is kind of like take it or leave it but i I don't know. Yeah, I think with online dating, you definitely have to have a little fun with it. I think a lot of people come in with a, I don't want to waste my time.

Don't waste my time energy. Here are my non-negotiables. You know, here's like a DMV appointment. Yeah, like you can get to all those things on dates, but like, let's just get in front of them, you know, and see if, you know, you like their face and they like yours. Well, 100%, I love that. Well, there you go uh well send that uh email and let us know what he says and

also congratulations on your level of like self-awareness and self-work like it's just really impressive to hear the way you like talked about like what the past year has like looked like for you and i can imagine like that must have been really challenging and like uncomfortable to like confront at times um and i just think it's so impressive the way like the way you like kind of claim that narrative and like let it like move you forward in such like positive and exemplary thank you i think it was it was hard but it brought me to a place where i could kind of close one what if chapter and just live my life freely. So thank you. Also, just a thought, though, too, like you are only 36, just you can still be like open to anything happening, you know? True, true. That's a good perspective. And I think I still am.

I think I just have the cautious side of me that's, you know, braced in case and comfortable. I can only imagine the emotional kind of, you know, toll it might take to try to adopt and then try to do it on your own. Like, I'm sure that's a lot. And I'm sure there's a lot of like that didn't work out. And you tell yourself, I don't want that or need that in my life anymore. And I don't doubt that you'll be fine if you don't have those things. And I love your optimism and your openness to like different, your life working out differently than expected and still being

wonderful. But I don't think you have to close any doors or windows to things that haven't closed themselves, you know? So like you just never really know. No, that's a really good point. I appreciate that. Awesome. All right., well let us know what the lawyer says. Yes. Excited for you. I will go ahead and shoot that shot and we will see what that 5% returns. Alright, good luck. I want you to like BCC ask

Nick so we can like stay up to date on all that. Obviously, you don't have to do that. Please don't. BCC. You won't get it back is that the thing about

BCC though that you can if he responds I'll send it your way how about that sounds good anyway

alright good luck take care alright thank you alright bye bye well Marie thanks so much for coming

it's been such a pleasure oh thank you for having me this is fantastic. Please let my audience know all the great things you're doing, you know, where they can go to find all the things that you're doing. Just plug away.

Yeah. So you can follow us on Instagram at Marie Forleo, M-A-R-I-E-F-O-R-L-E-O. The book is really, really good. It's called Everything is Figureoutable. I think it's in like 32 languages, but most of us speak English. So you can get it at any Amazon or any bookstore or Audible. And then if you go to marieforleo.com, there's actually a really great free audio called How to Get Anything You Want. It's like kind of an hour long coaching session is what it feels like, like having coffee. And it'll just walk you through a few exercises that if you are in one

of those places where you're feeling stuck or you're just feeling like, oh, things aren't going my way, it'll give you some great ideas and some exercises to get that energy going. That's amazing. Yeah. Well, thanks so much for coming. It's been such a pleasure.

Thanks for having me on. All the best of luck to you and this has been a lot of fun. Thank you. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Anything else?

I don't think so. Have a great day bye