The Viall Files - E608 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Hates That I Lost My Sex Drive After Giving Birth

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss the relationship milestone when you’re finally allowed to bring your significant other on a family trip.  Our first caller needs help on how to deal with her s*xting buddy after he sent her an unsolicited d*ck-in-hand shot. She wants to know how to end things, since he has her nudes on his phone. Our second callers are recently engaged and struggling to deal with an invasive mother/in-law. As a mother of an only child, she wants to know every detail of her son’s life, but often twists the information to use against his fiance. The couple are unsure how to set boundaries, and make she follows through. Our final caller’s boyfriend is frustrated that she’s lost her sex drive after having their child. She would love to discuss this issue with a couple’s counselor, but her partner is very resistant to go after a bad experience with an ex.  “Mom likes the drama.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month.  Caraway - Go to http://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL to take advantage of 10% off your next purchase.  BetterSleep - Download BetterSleep from your App Store or Google Play.  ZocDoc - Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL to download the Zocdoc app for FREE.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition hope you're all having a wonderful day wherever you are listening to us and however you're listening to it. We appreciate you as always. Hope you are enjoying your summer. I know I am. Joined by the household here, Allie, Amanda, and Derek is with us. What's cracking?

What's going on, everybody? Every time you say Derek, there was one day that you said, Dara, lick my balls. And I don't know what that's from. Doolander. Dara, lick my balls. I just jump to that every single's from. Zoolander. Dara, lick my balls. I just jump to that every single time. I also think about that a lot. Yeah.

I do. And I thought it was you who said it. No. But it was by God. I mean, in the movie, it's meant to be an insult that's cutting to Derek Zoolander. So, yeah. Wow.

Do you feel insulted? We mean it with love. I'm still recovering, but it's okay. What else is going on so by the time this episode is released I will have been on a vacation with my whole family and my boyfriend and I feel like that's such a

milestone in relationships like when you start taking each other on the family vacations and I was wondering if people had had any experience with that memorable rips thoughts and opinions on when in a relationship it should happen. Family trips with significant others. Yeah, when you get a plus one on the family vacation.

Well, as someone who didn't take family vacations, it's hard for me to speak on this. And I don't really, I don't remember getting invited to, I guess I just dated other poor people. You know, I don't know. You have to have a certain level of wealth. You can go camping. That's a trip.

I guess. There are trips on a budget. I've just never been invited to a significant other's... I never dated someone who went on a family trip. I see. Yeah. I feel like you guys bringing someone to the lake house before you sold it. You know?

Granted, my ex did actually go on very very fancy i was nine sally jane from the playground loved it um so i have no experience are you nervous is this the first oh no she's like gone to europe with her ex well i think oh yeah i i'm not. I I do get worried because I think when I go back home to the East Coast, there's so many people that I want to see, like so many like best friends and like grandparents and parents and everyone. And so I am a little bit like nervous about juggling everyone because I feel like sometimes like my friends, you know, we always make a real effort to like have one on one time together because, you know, obviously I'm a very chatty person. So like the meat and potatoes of a lot

of my friendships are like long, meandering walks and four hour conversations. And so I'm a little bit like the only thing I would worry about because I think Nick's like so charming and lovely and wonderful and I think everyone will get along with him great. But I just wonder if there will be like a little bit of like ever so slight, like inherent resentment that it's like, I don't get to hang out with Amanda the way I usually hang out with Amanda. Interesting. That's, that's your thought.

Do you have any expectations of him? Like, or like either conscious or subconsciously about like how he is supposed to act around the family? I think I just want to feel like he's being thoughtful. Like I want to make sure he also feels like he can have time to himself on the trip. And I feel like, to be fair, my family is pretty chill. Karen and Jack run a very loose ship. So it's hard for me to imagine him being in situations that would really stress him out,

where put him in a very high emotional heightened place or whatever? I guess no. But I'm worried about my own behavior because sometimes I think I become the court jester when I'm the mutual friend. If I'm introducing two loved ones to one another, I so quickly become like, I'm going to behave ridiculous and then they're going to bond over it. And I'm trying to stop that habit because I feel like we're all old enough and mature enough that I don't need to. But I just go into that mode. I like that you call it a court jester. I typically call myself a colonial whore.

Say more. I don't know. I'm just like, throw the coins. No, when I get into a mood like that, I'm like, pay me. I don't think court jester. I think colonial whore. The court jester and the colonial whore. I feel like it's one of those things where, I don't think Court Jester. I think Colonial Whore. The Court Jester and the Colonial Whore. Woo!

I feel like it's one of those things where, I don't know, I just feel like people have a lot of expectations when it comes to these types of things. And I think it always kind of can throw, like throw it in there with birthdays and New Year's Eve. Yeah. You know? Maybe that's the cynic of me,

of like ways that things can go wrong. How are they supposed to act in front of your family and shit like that i my one expectation i actually i do expect nick to show off on the grill a little bit and not and by show off i mean like with his attentiveness and also culinary skills that is honestly but i haven't like that's just my hunch of what's gonna happen and i think i really hope it will happen and i could like my ex my dad really bonded in the kitchen one day when I like had to go take my brother shopping and do all the stuff. And so I think I like see that as a real like opportunity for connection. This grill specific.

Nick loves a grill. He's a he's a real grill guy. Yeah. I don't want it is about grills and guys. I don't know. It's a siren song. It's fire. It goes back to the discovery of fire.

Must be. I do love a good fire. Well, if you're listening to the show on YouTube and you have, I'd love to hear people's stories about family trips in which they were guests on or they had a partner and it went terribly wrong. Or maybe it was the beginning of the end or a fight broke out as a result of bringing him on the vacation. I'd love to hear about that. It's harrowing.

Yeah, pop off in the comments. We have a great episode for you, some wonderful calls. Before we get to our callers, don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting, office hours, sweat in the wedding, mediation. Once again, if you're a couple and you're fighting about a certain topic and you want someone to mediate a fight, we're always here for you. Write us, tell us your stories. We thank you for all the people who submitted their questions.

Sadly, I know we can't get to them all, but we really insist that you keep on writing it. We always try to read as many as possible and love getting you guys on the show. Just remember, everyone is anonymous. Fake name, real age, as we always tell people our callers, so don't worry about your anonymity. We want you to be as

comfortable as possible sharing your story. Oh, we have a great week lined up for you. We got episode three of The Bachelorette. That should be exciting. First two episodes, really juicy. Let's see if Charity's bad picker continues or not. I feel like Brendan might get a one-on-one. Brayden.

Brayden, whatever the fuck. Doesn't matter. We won't care about him in a year anyway uh and then the one the only scott evans you might know him as chris evans brother but he is a star in the making himself he is starring in the new barbie movie it comes out next week uh so we get to talk to scott about his experience filming barbie Obviously, you know, he's got a super famous movie star brother. What that experience is like. Scott is an absolute delight.

We really enjoy talking with him and I think you are going to enjoy it even more. So be sure to tune in this Thursday for our episode of Going Deeper with Scott Evans. And if nothing else, let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick our callers. How's it going? Hi, my name is Erica and I need help and need communication with a three-year-long

sexting buddy that I've created. He recently FaceTimed me just to jack off. So I don't really know what to do with that okay did how absurd did he have you ever called facetime someone to jack off we're like when you when you answer the facetime what was the shot that you were looking at um i mean like he was naked with like dick in hand and i was just just like, hey. I'm sorry. Just logistically, is he like, is he holding this out and like selfie style? Yeah. Is he in front of a mirror?

And were you anticipating dick? No, he had like a whole set up. Like he set up the camera, I think on his kitchen sink. No, bathroom sink. And just FaceTime me, I guess. So this man was, while the FaceTime was ringing, was just standing there, in his bathroom. Silence.

He was on a family vacation. He was on a family vacation? Oh my god! No! Why do you want to end it? I don't know. It's been a while. Is it just sexing?

Have you guys met up in person? Are you hanging out? Are you sleeping with each other? Like what, what, give me the tea here. So I've known him, I just graduated college in May and we've known each other since,

thank you. Since beginning of college, I had a crush on him for like two years. We finally hooked up like junior year and then just kind of had a casual thing for a long time. I kind of liked him for a little bit and then got over that pretty quickly. And then now since we graduated, he just kind of texts me and Snapchats me for nudes and stuff. And I just don't, I'm not really into it anymore. Okay. Other than just saying, Hey, this isn't working for me.

Like what, like, yeah. What's stopping you from doing that? Like, are you like, are you afraid to hurt his feelings? Are you just, what's your goal? Yeah. I'm sure how to say it. Like what, what's the hesitation? I think, I don't know how to say it just because it's like, I can't express enough how little

this relationship means to either of us. So it feels kind of awkward to do a formal ending. But then also, if I don't end it, he's just going to keep asking. Yeah, that's interesting. And I get what you're saying, right? It's just like, we're not dating. This is clearly a physical sex thing. But I don't want to ghost

him but like do I need to have this like sit down fire him yeah I don't know how you feel but just about like him having photos of you like from previous when it was all consensual and very fun like I wonder if maybe also like a way of like

a logistical ask in bring having this conversation as being like hey like this has been fun while it's lasted not super into this anymore like delete the photos of me yeah you can ask yeah there's no guarantee i know but i bet in terms of i think it's always good to ask because by you asking him not complying immediately makes him weird and disrespectful. And you get into territory of owning something and violating you in a way just by not respecting that. I mean, there's a good chance he won't delete it, but I think it's important for you to ask him to delete it. And if nothing else, it just lets him know that you're not comfortable with with having it and so

i think it's good to put that energy out there do you ladies agree yeah i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't waste a lot of emotional energy wondering if he did or check in but i still think it's good to ask that he delete any any content uh that he has of of yours i think you shouldn't ghost right because that's you know and i also think you should't ghost, right? Because that's, you know, and I also think you should also be nice when you do it. I don't think there's no really reason to make him feel bad or vent of frustration because like you said,

you said you don't really give a shit. You're just more like, correct me if I'm wrong, you feel the need to do this mostly because it's been going on for so long. And it's something that you for so long and it's it's something that you guys are kind of used to it's it's become part of your lives this kind of uh ability to count on each other for you know stimulation uh when like probably when you're bored often yeah like the reason that i'm kind of over it is because i i just moved to a new city so i'm

kind of like dating now and he's still living at home so i think that you just don't want to be on a date or like a picture of him just like sending you a picture of him jerking off yeah i just i also just kind of he only wants to talk to me for the nudes so he just kind of wants to keep me on the back burner and put as little effort in as possible to just see me naked whenever and i'm kind of over that you graduated yeah i don't see that i'm open for your opinions here i just don't see the need for for confrontation here because all you really want to do is just let them know that you want to end it right yeah and i feel like the easiest way to do that is just

just a small little white lie which is i started seeing someone else and i need to end this yeah that's what i was kind of thinking i wasn't i thought that you would say no to that i don't really know why just because it's a lie i don't like lies but like i i'm you know there's exceptions to every rule this is and there's some truth to it. You are dating. There doesn't need, he doesn't need to know that you're seeing someone or not seeing someone. It's really not, you know what I'm saying? And this allows you not to have to explain anything to him because there's nothing really to explain.

And, you know, we don't need to make the guy feel bad about himself. Like this was a mutual relationship. It was consensual. Like, you know, the whole jerking off while he's on a family trip is like funny anecdotally and weird but like whatever man like you know that's your freak that's the relationship he has with you he's just like i need to jerk off who do i want to send this to it's just like erica like you know and you don't want to do it anymore which is totally fine so i think it just makes sense and it lets him off the hook and things like that. And the only reason you would need to escalate if he pushes back,

which is like, Oh, I'm sorry. Like why? Like why didn't we ever date or blah, blah, blah. You know,

if he goes into that territory other than he's just, you know, like, Hey, I'm sorry that it ended and this won't be, this will be fun. And then obviously if he doesn't comply, if he doesn't like, if he doesn't like,

if like three weeks from now, you get a nude, I would just immediately block him. Yeah. Like I'm totally not mad at him or anything because this has kind of been the deal for a while, but I'm just kind of changing my mind now. Now, is there any part of you,

and I'm just checking in, that would have wanted more from him if he would have wanted more from you? At one point, for sure. When we first started hooking up, I was super excited because I had the biggest crush on him forever. And then it became super clear that he wasn't looking for anything. And then a year ago he was like a big asshole to me one night and then any feelings were gone after that so yeah listen like the white lie you're not hurting anyone you're not violating anyone's trust because you're not looking to have trust with this guy so you saying that you you're you're seeing someone and just keep it vague you don't be like i have a new boyfriend i'm in love it's just i just started seeing someone that's it that's all you have to say and um and you say like it was fun while it

lasted yeah or like hey we've had a good run we had a good run but i started seeing someone you know i think i we need to end this relationship and it would really i'd really appreciate it as well if you could just delete any nudes or anything you have of mine and i wish you all the best and say something nice about him yeah like i don't we don't need to trigger this guy we don't need to make him feel bad about himself we don't need to upset him in any way we just need to let him know this is over and the most seamless and easiest way possible yeah okay i am interested to see what he would say if i told him that i would see I'm seeing someone because I have a feeling that he probably wouldn't care and be like, well, we can just keep doing this. But well, that's it.

I would I would put my foot down. Yeah. Well, yeah. That just means he's kind of a piece of shit. But like you're you care. That's the point. I just have a little bit of an ego about it. I want to know.

Sure. But just well, that's good that you know that. Right. Just know that your ego is curious whether he cares or not. So if he doesn't care, don't let that trigger you. What you know you want right now is what matters, right? Don't reassess what you want after he reacts however way that might alter your feelings in the moment because your ego starts speaking you know, speaking up and saying,

wait a second, you know, whatever that is, because there's a good chance your ego might say, wait a second, he might say or do something that, you know, might trigger your ego and respecting what you want in this moment when your ego is not triggered is something I think you should just be mindful of. I'm curious, what do you think of the phrasing like instead of saying like I would appreciate if you deleted them be like like like please delete the nudes like it would make me uncomfortable if you didn't or do you think it's better to like save that for if he pushes back at all because I think like no no no I well I don't I think you just I think combine it right I would say it would mean a lot it would mean a lot to me if you could delete the nudes it makes me uncomfortable knowing that you have them uh with this ending and and if he says

something like well what you don't trust me this is like that has nothing to do with that i just this is over and i just don't think you should have them anymore. Don't spend any emotional energy because like there's no way to prove to you that he did. I don't know. I'm not going to say this to him, but like I don't even really care if he still has them. That's not a big deal to me, but I think that's a good way to bring it into the conversation. I think it's just, I'm glad that you don't care right now because he probably won't delete them, but I just think better safe than sorry. Good to have receipts.

It's just good to, yeah. Going forward, watermark those nudes. Thank you, Lala. Yeah, I think it's just never, you know, it's just good to not... Not just safe sex. Yeah. It's just, you might as well ask and then just forget

about it. But i think the phrasing it makes me uncomfortable that you have them is if he has any amount of decency that would help him delete it there's nothing less sexy than someone saying i feel uncomfortable yeah i like you know what i don't want them yeah it's just, as a guy, if a woman's telling me anything I'm doing is making her uncomfortable, I want to immediately stop doing that thing that she's suggesting is making her uncomfortable. So using that language, I think can go a long way. All right. Yeah.

Makes sense. Yeah. And that's way more effective than saying like, you're weird or gross, but just more like that makes me uncomfortable. Please stop doing that. Yeah. You know, just in general. saying like you're like an aside like you're weird or gross but just more like that this that makes me uncomfortable please stop doing that yeah you know just in general i mean i think that's definitely going to come as a shock to him but like again i don't really care yeah and i don't think you need to like you don't say you don't care you don't don't do not get into it with him right you're this is all you you're just letting him know like hey you know just seeing someone

yeah like we've had a good run but I'm now seeing someone like I appreciate it if you would delete the nudes like makes me uncomfortable to think of you having them like it was really fun while it lasted based on a little bit you described about this guy 50-50 shot he

sends you a dick pic in like two or three weeks just like random yeah I agree and if he does block him He sends you a dick pic in like two or three weeks, just like random. Yeah, I agree. And if he does, block him. I mean, that could be weird. But again, what could be weird? Probably just like blocking him.

I mean, more weird than sending a picture of his erect penis after you asked him not to. No. Okay, that's a good point. Yeah. I mean, technically, I would consider that sexual harassment okay yeah and so i don't think it's weird to block someone who does not respect uh that boundary you know we talk about consent all the time consent can he up at this point he has your consent in a way that it's not weird to randomly send this pic or facetime you but the moment in which you ask him not to do that he no longer has your consent to do that and if he does

it's just fucking weird and wrong and disrespectful so it very much justifies you blocking him okay yeah and i think you need to do it you need to do it immediately because I want him to, if he's going to send that and then he, you know, you won't, he won't be blocked and then you won't respond. And then he'll send a followup like, Oh, guess it's like not cool anymore.

And when that shit goes green, it'll hopefully he'll learn his lesson or it'll, it'll affect him in some way. Yeah. All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful. Yeah, it was. I, um,, hopefully this was helpful. It was.

I like the idea of the white lie. Great. Yeah, simple. And you know, Liz, I don't like promoting any type of lies, but when it doesn't affect anyone and it doesn't violate a trust in a relationship you care about

or trying to build, whatever, you know what I'm saying? And it's not that much of a lie. You are dating, you are meeting new people and that's what you want to focus your energy on yeah for sure uh make sure you keep us posted we'd love to know how this does play out and what he ends up doing um and make sure you screenshot that dick pic that he eventually is going to say no I'm kidding um oh yeah for sure all right well thanks a lot Emma Emma. All right. Take care. Bye-bye.

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26. I'm Henry and I'm 30. All right. Chelsea and Henry. Nice to meet you both. Yeah. How can we help? So we're engaged and I'm having a hard time getting along with my future mother-in-law. Okay. Is this something that you guys fight about or is it creating conflict in your relationship? Yeah. So his mom is very, very involved. Okay. In my point of view, they text every single day. She knows almost every single detail about our lives.

Although we've been moved out for over a year like living together so that's where a lot of frustration comes because I feel like she gets to know everything that's going on I'm an only child so she wants to feel like she hasn't really like I like I haven't moved out and I feel like she's having a tough time adjusting to that. She's always asking me these questions like, how my life is to the point where it's almost like every single moment what I'm doing each day. It definitely can be overbearing at times where it's starting to affect Chelsea

as well to the point where they know all the details about what we're doing. And sometimes it's used in a way where something comes up that... Gets used against me. Yeah, exactly. Give me an example of that. Yeah.

So an example of that, her and I had a pretty good relationship where I'll talk to her on my own. We have a chat going. And when we were getting ready to move into our place now, we have concrete floors. So I use that as an excuse to buy Ugg slippers. I just started wearing Uggs. So yeah, love those. Yeah. So I got those when they shipped to me. I took a photo of them and I sent them to her. So she only has Henry and I get to talk to her about the girly thing. Okay. Yeah. So I sent her a photo of the slippers and she responded great. They happened to match the pajamas that she was wearing. And so she sent a photo of that and whatever, all was good

happened to match the pajamas that she was wearing. And so she sent a photo of that and whatever. All was good between her and I. But right after I had sent her a photo of the slippers, she did a Google search for the slippers, screenshotted the price of the Ugg slippers, sent it to him and told him to wake up. She's not that broke if she's spending money on Ugg slippers.

So the context there is we were getting ready to move to our place and he was purchasing a bulk of the furniture. Okay. And I have a feeling that his mom was unhappy about how we decided to purchase things for our place. Gotcha. All right. So real critical point here in this story. How, Henry,

did you respond to that note from mom? I was very defensive towards my mom about that because we both communicate about this before and everything like that, but trying to make

it even as possible. I said to my mom my mom know what this is none of your business this is first of all it's it's within we've talked about this before within our means or her means to to get to get these and it's not like it's a massive purchase or something like that she being my mother wanted to uh it was just worried because like I said, I was taking the bulk and buying the furniture to our new place and all this stuff. And then she's like, where did this money come from where she can buy this stuff at? And I understood, but at the same time, I was also defending Chelsea and like, no, it's within our means to buy these slippers. And no, this is none of our business.

So that sounds like an amazing response. I was really hoping this is none of your business would have been somewhere in there. So where are you two in conflict about this? Where is it happening where Henry's not meeting your needs here? Because, you know, we can't control mom. Mom's only going to get so good. It really comes down to how you two agree to communicate with mom and what boundaries you two agree to have with mom, because we're never going to make mom never annoying. Where has there been a break in the union between you two because that first

example sounds great so it's like hey you know this is none of your goddamn business because i don't think chelsea it's like his mom wants to talk to him you know and his mom wants to ask things and she wants to have a relationship with you and so i just don't think it's going to do either of you any good to be like, well, let's just not tell mom anything and keep her in the dark. Maybe in the future, you guys agree to like, mom doesn't need to know about money. If you guys buy a house together, if you buy a car, whatever it is, it's none of your business, I think needs to be a theme when it comes to things that are none of her business. So like where you went to the grocery store, no big deal.

But if mom's like, who buys groceries? None of your business. If you guys take a trip together, who paid for the trip? None of your business. Where you went on the trip, tell mom all she wants. Yeah, we went to this amazing place. Like how you guys spend it? Mom, I love you.

That's none of your business. I think that's part of the problem is it hasn't been consistent. Okay. And I'm guilty of it too, because I'm the one that shared with her the slippers thing. Well, that's okay. I got slippers is fine. You can't control mom from doing a Google search and being nosy and finding out how much Uggs costs. You can't control that. But you just never tell her who's paying for what and how you guys decide. I mean, you guys are engaged to be married. At the end of the day, your finances are going to eventually come together or not. I don't know.

Even if you don't, maybe you guys are a married couple that decides to have separate checking accounts, which honestly, I think for a lot of marriages might be a smarter decision. Either way, it's none of her goddamn business. Right. So we just need to keep it. Well, you need to, mainly. Yeah, just keep it, like you said, between us. Like, any of those personal...

He doesn't like saying... No to mom. No. Like, love you, no. Like, I don't want to share that. I feel like I don't know what you think about how she's going to respond to that yeah i guess definitely i guess they're just i'm the only child like you said and the mother being annoying type deal where she's gonna be protective of her only child i think where chelsea sees a difference a little bit is that that where they're

they're trying to have a good relationship and then my mom's talking shit about her behind her back to me and this is where i kind of want to get your input here is that i've shared with her these problems because i've had a hard time dealing with this my mom like i said is overbearing there's been other issues that i've had to deal with that i've shared with chelsea and the stuff i decided to share with her that I'm questioning that I did about all like the slippers thing. There's recent issues about the whole trip and everything. There was a trip? Right. So this is the most recent scenario that brought up the discussion between us is we recently went to Nashville and we drove okay we were coming home from it takes

like about probably 12 hours yeah yeah right so it's a decent road trip and uh we left early early-ish in the morning from nashville back where we live and um we didn't get home until 11 p.m and he has to get up early in the morning for work, like 4.30 in the morning. So he wasn't going to get a bunch of sleep that night, which we both knew in deciding when we were leaving Nashville to come home. Oh, I see where this is going. Mom blamed you for her son's lack of sleep? Correct.

Yes. We were over at their place. We were sharing what our plans were for Nashville. She asked when we were planning on leaving. We said we were thinking maybe nine or 10 o'clock. I said that. So she used that against me when we arrived home late because I said we were leaving at 10 o'clock, even though we ended up leaving earlier than 10 o'clock.

Yes. She doesn't care. She thinks that I walk all over him and he can't make his own decision. Do you know why she thinks that? I don't know why. I do. Go ahead, Henry. Because I'm the only child.

She's worried about the only child. That's not why. It feels like that. I'm going to be pushed over and she sees. It's not why. Because, and I say this lightly, Henry, because she walks all over you. Because she's the boss of you and she's she's afraid of being replaced. And all the only relationship she knows with you is to boss you around.

I mean, she's your mom. So for most of your life, that was appropriate and that was OK. And nowadays, you know, plenty of parents and their kids, early 20s. It's it's and especially with, you know, again, older and their kids, early twenties. It's, it's, and especially with, you know, again, older, only kids, I get it. There's just like, well, I don't want to, I only have one kid. He's still my son. I still know what's best for him. Yada, yada, yada. I mean, these are all like internal conversations I'm sure she has with you, but the relationships she has with you is one of, I tell him what to do. And she's having a hard time disconnecting Chelsea, your relationship with your fiance and her relationship with you. She's just projecting.

I've told you that. Yeah. Yeah. This really comes down to you, Henry. I think you need to have a sit down with mom. It might escalate to some pretty hard boundaries with mom and just like, mom, I'm a 30 year old man. First of all, I just want to start by saying, I love you. You're one of my best friends. She'll love that. My relationship with you is really important to you, but also I'm an engaged man. I'm about to be married. My relationship with Chelsea is my priority. I don't think I should have to be

made to choose, but I'm letting you know that Chelsea is my priority when it comes to my relationship. And I need you to trust that you raised a really good son and that you were an amazing mother and you taught me right and wrong and you taught me how to stand up for myself and you taught me all these great things. And thank you, mom. I really appreciate it. And I need you to like, let me be the man that you raised me to be.

We want to share things with you. We want to tell you where we're going. We want you to be a part of our lives. But if you continue to make comments and make either of us feel judged, whether it's me or Chelsea, I'm just letting you know, mom, I don't want to, but we're going to start sharing less and less and you're going to be less of part of our lives. And I really don't want that because we love you. And this needs to really come from you it can't come from from chelsea and and she needs to believe that it's not chelsea saying this that it's you

saying this and i think it will it will go a long way to lead with the whole like thank you for doing this you've been an amazing mom you've you've you because of, I'm asking you to back off because you've raised a good son, because you've taught me all these things. I 100% agree with all of that. And that was the game plan for the past couple of years. And there's been multiple times where I have had that conversation too. And they've gone well, but unfortunately, certain issues always rise up again too and it's gone they've gone well but unfortunately certain issues always rise up again and it's kind of like a work in progress and i have talked to her about that before of like but not specifically saying like we're gonna you are gonna ignore these boundaries that we we have to set boundaries if you don't uh if you kind of are starting to take things that

like information that we're giving you you can't share anything anymore you're gonna have to set these boundaries i haven't done that but i've been trying to do like little things like just letting her know like listen you gotta trust me i'm 30 i'm i'm out of the house i'm i've got to trust that i made a good i make a judgment call and everything like that i had these conversations and kind of sometimes disagreements with her but it always it's been it's been relayed a lot the last year. So I think we need to start following through with Brett to be honest. Yes. Yeah. You have to enforce the boundaries right now.

You've communicated the boundaries. You, you're not enforcing the boundaries. And then yeah, there's another step. And also like, don't, don't argue with mom. There's nothing to argue with. You know, it's like, mom, I'm not going to have this conversation. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. So there's a small problem though. Okay. Go ahead. That has come from Henry over and over again, but I recently have stepped in in communicating some things that Allie and Amanda do have screenshots of, of what I've said to her. Uh-oh.

Oh Lord, I'm ready. Well, my only, I don't know what they say and I'm excited to find out, but however they went, you're just setting yourself up for her to blame you. And you're kind of taking the power away from Henry to show his mom that he doesn't need another woman because she doesn't want to be replaced. And when you start fighting with mom and you start saying, no, he's my man kind of thing, at the end of the day, no matter how well it goes, I just think it's going to be adversarial rather than Henry being like, mom, I know how to go to bed. I don't need you, mom, to tell me when to go to bed. Sometimes, mom, I'm going to go nuts and I'm going to stay up late and I'm going to

have a hard day of work. And you know what? That's okay because I'm an adult and I can make those decisions. I don't need you, mom, to worry about that. And honestly, it's a little insulting and kind of frustrating for you to do that. And regardless if he's a single man or engaged or married, that's just fucking obnoxious to have mom worried about my bedtime as a 30 year old man. We both know. So I just don't want you, Chelsea, to like put yourself in a position to be seen as the adversary. Yes, which is why I'm curious on your feedback of what I said. Okay, well, let's do a dramatic reading. All right. Who do you want to be, Amanda?

I can be Mama. Great. I don't care. I kind of want Allie to be Mom. Okay. All right. We have a casting director here are you home yet we're 10 minutes away that's good poor henry may get four hours of sleep yeah ran into traffic in cincinnati due to car accident and set us back the gps originally said nine okay and then this is a few days later

sorry can i just interject some context yes a couple days later. Sorry, can I just interject some context? Yes. A couple days later, his mom is speaking to him, calling me a princess the next day because I got to sleep in. What, did she expect you to get up at 4.30? In solidarity? Fuck. So that's what triggers this conversation. Yeah, okay. Fair enough. All right. Got it. But mom reaches out to you.

Yes, this is on Wednesday. Hey, Chelsea. Henry tells me that you were Yes, this is on Wednesday. Hey, Chelsea. Henry tells me that you were mad about my comment on him not getting much sleep. I'm sorry, but it wasn't meant as a dig to you. I messaged you as he had his data turned off and I was wondering how your drive was going. I would have made the same comment

had I been messaging him. I felt bad that he had to get up that early after getting home that late. I'm sorry if it came across any other way. Hi, Linda. Thanks for the apology. It did feel passive aggressive and as if you were putting blame on me for arriving late, as late home as we did when Henry and I made the decision to leave

Nashville at the time we did together. I explained to you that we hit unexpected traffic and you ignored that message, which didn't make me feel understood. I really appreciate the apology, though. So thank you. Sorry, Chels. I didn't answer because I didn't want to keep bugging you with messages. And the comment was a mom worrying about not what was about a mom worrying, not blaming anyone. As I said, I would have made the same comments to him anyway. Very sorry. anyone. As I said, I would have made the same comments to him. Anyway, very sorry. Right. Okay. Well, thank you for apologizing. I hope you know and are proud of the fact you raised a son who's more than capable of making good decisions for himself, and he understands sometimes not everything will go according to plan, and in that case, he was willing to sacrifice

some sleep. I know you both spoke about it, but there is really no need for you to worry about his sleep schedule. At that point, what's done is done. And most importantly, we arrived home safely. I appreciate the apology, but I see how upset Henry gets with some of your conversations with him because you're his mom and he loves you. Here are my two notes for you two. You guys also have to come up with your boundaries and between the two of you, stay consistent as well. Henry, when you talk to mom, Chelsea has nothing to do with it. Stop telling mom that you're upsetting Chelsea. She's upsetting you. I understand she's upsetting Chelsea, and I understand you want to defend her, but you really

need to keep this between you and mom. And this is about you setting boundaries with mom saying, mom, I love having a close relationship with you. I love you are my, one of my best friends. You know, I love telling you things, but every once in a while you make my life more difficult. I don't need to have you worry about what time I go to bed. And then Chelsea, you need to stop talking about Henry to his mom. If you want to talk to his mom, talk about girl stuff, but you need to stop, you know, you raised a good son. That's, I know it's just going to, it comes across as like, you're like back off, you know, you're telling her what

to do about her son. I just think you guys really need to like challenge each other to keep those things separate. Because anytime you're like, Hey mom, you're just like fucking pissing off Chelsea. It's just like, can you back off again? It's becomes adversarial.

I really think you got to draw that line. And so Henry, when you push back on mom, it's because she's upsetting you and you don't want her to do that. And you're tired of it. And it's frustrating to you. And and you don't want her to do that and you're tired of it and it's frustrating to you and while it might be frustrating to chelsea you know that's honestly not your concern if anything you should do it so much that mom almost wants to start telling you to treat chelsea better you know because if you give her the energy it's like mom i'm annoying

i'm not worried about chelsea i'm worried about me lay out they the fuck off i'm not sure i'm not saying you don't she's gonna be like well you know like you know what i'm saying parents weirdly enough like they're kind of they become children you know because they're so used to like being the boss then you gotta have you know just just don't have the conversation with her you're basically henry you just have to retrain your mom about the type of conversations you're willing to have with her and you just have to retrain your mom about the type of conversations you're willing to have with her. And you just have to be very, you got to get very good at when you talk to mom about boundaries, they're your boundaries. And they're not Chelsea's boundaries. Because she keeps thinking it's Chelsea's boundaries.

Yeah, exactly. Like you said, Kelly, she was in charge of controlling me for a while of how I should not feel, but how I should view certain things or how I should be defending her. Yeah, and you probably in the future don't need to tell Chelsea that mom

called her a princess. Right. I know. Chelsea just needs to trust that you're willing to stand up to mom and so in the future like let's say this trip happened you know mom calls you up and she's worried about your sleep or whatever and you're just like and she called and she's like well chelsea's being a princess and you just say mom no she's a normal person who's going to sleep in because she can. That's nuts. Mom, stop worrying about my sleep. I'm fine. And I don't appreciate you making comments like that about Chelsea. I'm not okay with it. And then the conversation ends there.

And Chelsea knows that that's how you're going to defend her at the appropriate time. She doesn't need to know. You guys are just creating drama between the three of you by going and tattling on mom. And then that pisses off Chelsea. And then she has to defend herself. So help each other out by just cutting off the drama i feel like i trust him to defend me but i don't trust him to enforce the boundary later because when do you draw the line when do you actually start you know not sharing as much or distancing yourself a bit if she continues trying to get away with the comments even though he's defending and telling her stop you know just ignore her so like you tell her about the road trip, you went to Nashville and you even tell her that you got home late and mom makes the comment about the princess, whatever. Even if you just say, mom, like that's an inappropriate comment. Like I stopped worrying about my bedtime and all you do is leave it at that. And then that conversation goes nowhere.

Mom likes the drama. You know, you gotta forget when people get involved in drama, they're not bored. They're involved. You know, it's this kind of this weird fucked up thing we do, you know,

and I guarantee you part of it is this mom. At the end of the day, she knows it gets up. She gets to talk to both of you, even if you're both mad at her. So just don't let mom create drama between the two of you yeah she called you a princess whatever i get why you're pissed but like henry shouldn't shouldn't tell you i know right that's what our that's kind of our argument as well yeah do you want him it's weird because i want to know

yeah i want to know i know i recognize that that's not necessarily the right thing, but I know that's just how I want to know what she's saying about me. Well, that same energy is the same energy mom has that's pissing you off. It's like, well, I just want to say it. So that stubbornness is the same stubbornness that's pissing you off about mom. Like someone's going to take the high road here. And I doubt it's going to be mom.

It's not going to be mom. No, it won't. She's just a mom, you know? Yeah. And I just think, I'm not saying it's okay. And you have the right to be mad. It's just, who cares? You know what I'm saying?

It's not personal to you. If it makes you feel any better, Henry could be dating literally anyone and she'd be doing the same thing. It's not a you thing. Yeah. It's just mom having a hard time not being fucking nosy and a little lonely

and a little bored and enjoying the drama that she's creating between the two of you, whether she admits it or not. She probably doesn't even realize it, but she is involved. Right. And what mom wants is to be involved. And so, like I said before, as much as you can cut off how mom's involved and when you're arguing about mom, when mom's not even there, that's what you two really need to cut off. That's what really matters. So how do you guys do that?

Because mom's just going to mom, you know, and maybe if anything else, when she gets nosy about like, oh, when you guys leaving and when she starts asking logistical questions in the future, feel free, Henry, to just ignore her. Maybe you just don't respond. Yeah. And if mom asks like in the future, well, why didn't you get back to me? I was worried about you. You know, I was like, well, mom, honestly, last time you did that, it just kind of caused a big thing. So I'm just, I'm choosing not

to like give you certain details that you have in the, in the past criticized both of us. And maybe that's a way to like, you know, slap mom on the wrist, so to speak. But more importantly, I think you just need to stop sharing these little things. Then someday, Chelsea,

you'll be a mom and you'll probably do some shit that pisses off your daughter or son's partners. And you're going to think you have every right to do it because I'm their fucking mom, you know, and I brought you into this world and all that energy. So just cut mom a little slack. She's wrong, but it's just not going to change.

So you just roll your eyes together in solidarity. Also, when you, and I know you're like, because Chelsea's asked you to say it and there's this fucked up thing because even though Chelsea's asking you for the tea, when you give her the tea, I feel like subconsciously Chelsea's wondering, well,

did you tell me? Cause you think it's true. Do you think I'm a princess? Like, do you think I should have gotten up? And then kind of creates this like insecurity between the two of you about like, well,

what is he really thinking? Because if he didn't care, like why would he even bring it up? Your, your mom's planting these little seeds of doubt that you know you two fight over so you two really need to be responsible not to let these conversations come up you guys shouldn't be arguing about shit your mom says about your two relate but about your relationship we agree on that yeah um kind of on your comment about like not sharing it.

Like when you're saying, Oh, when are you guys leaving? Don't say that. My kind of question to that is like, she, she gets overworked, especially on long road trips for her.

She's been in car accidents before in her friends, been in car accidents. So that's why she always sent, ask these things. And I'll like, you want these all, all the updates and like where we are and everything to make sure we're okay.

I mean, at the end of the day, I hear you. She's going to live. That's what I said. I hear that and I roll my eyes because I'm just like, it's just an excuse for her to get what she wants. I do think one time, Henry, it would behoove you to maybe

teach mom a little lesson. She'll be fine. And that could be a conversation between the two of you. And if you do do that, be like, mom, I just didn't want to deal with it. And I'm sorry, mom, that my not letting you know gave you anxiety. But quite honestly, you not minding your own business when you need to creates a ton of anxiety for me and my relationship. I need you to respect the boundary I set for me. And again, you got to literally practice, because I'm sure it'll be hard, to not bring up Chelsea when you do this. These are your decisions for you because you're tired of it. And she'll live. Your mom will live. I know we don't want

to make our moms cry, but she will live. And it is a bit manipulative. Parents are manipulative. They, it's like kind of their job to be manipulative. You know, parents lie to their kids, like literally all the time.

For sure. And I think that when she, when she agreed with like the sense that she gets manipulative in the sense of trauma, heart attack, like not actually. Yeah. And you,

and honestly, if, if mom says shit like that, be like, mom, no, you're not. I don't appreciate you being manipulative. I'd literally think you should call her out on that until you can show to mom that you can stand up to it and it doesn't affect you. She knows it works because it bothers you. She knows that you get all like worked up and she knows that you feel bad because she

knows you love her and she needs to see that it doesn't affect you anymore she needs to see that like it doesn't work anymore and i need to try it i maybe i need to start respecting his boundaries and until you have the guts to to show mom that you're willing to enforce a boundary and kind of punish her for not respecting the boundary you've politely asked her to and not causing drama in your relationship, then you're not going to keep her that up to date with your outings or when you're taking off and when you landed. And you'll get to it when you get to it, because honestly, that's what adults do.

And if mom wants special consideration, then she's going to have to earn it by respecting he doesn't really listen. You sometimes need to hear it from other people too. But yeah, mom's going to live. I promise. Yeah. But I get it. And you know what? Maybe you are. The truth is you are being selfish.

And that's okay. It's okay to put your needs above mom's sometimes. You don't have to like bear the cross and take on her anxiety. She'll live. And like, you're happy to also share this information. She just needs to like, you know, butt out and you're not interested in her opinions

when it comes to your choices you make about your relationship. And if she can understand that, you will tell her fucking everything. And if she can understand that, you will tell her fucking everything. And when she doesn't, be like, mom, I'm just not going to tell you anything. You will be less a part of our lives if you can't mind your own business.

Yeah, definitely. It's something that we've talked about as well. I've definitely iterated it to her, like trying to set boundaries, but not to, I haven't been as threatening I guess or not really threatening but just setting up like I'm not going to talk to you or I'm going to not share all this information

with you. I haven't been to that extent yet. Yeah, you just got to start enforcing it. She doesn't know what consequences would come if she doesn't listen. And when mom calls you names of any kind, any insult, any critique that's unnecessary, even if mom calls you names of any kind, any insult, any critique that's unnecessary, even if she calls you selfish, you just say, mom, I'm not going to let you call me names

like that. I'm going to go. I'll talk to you later. And you get off the phone and you kind of do a soft hang up on mom. To Chelsea's point, until mom can see that you can actually do some of these things. She's not going to stop. And it's not okay for mom to call you names and make these comments. It's not,

you know, it's like, mom, I don't appreciate you calling me names. I'm going to go now. I'll talk to you later. And then you just hang up. And then when mom texted,

you say, did you hang up on me? And you say, I said, goodbye again in the future. I'm happy to talk with you as long as you are respectful to me, just like I'm respectful to you. Yeah, that's a good plan. Yeah. Always tell mom you love her, even when you get off the phone. I love you. I'm going to go now. Don't talk to me that way. She'll figure it out, but not until you make her.

Yes, for sure all right well good luck keep us posted how this goes definitely very relatable we get a lot of in-law questions a lot um and it's tough 20 years from now i hope uh we still have this show and you can follow up an email and be like you know what i fucking i'm doing the same fucking shit his mom did and i don't know why i'm doing it you know like things are yeah they really they really are so chel, you give mom grace, Henry, start enforcing your boundaries and stop talking about mom and tattling on each other and stop tattling on mom. And Chelsea, you do not need to know every little thing that mom says. It's none of your business. Honestly, all it does is piss you off. And then you guys get in a fight.

So you're, you're literally doing the same thing mom is doing. You're creating drama that doesn't need to be created. All right. I can agree with that. Yeah. Sounds good. Keep us posted. Yeah.

Rooting for you guys. All right. Take care, guys. Good luck. Please send us updates and send us pictures from the wedding and everything you guys brought. And congrats on your relationship for sure.

Thank you. Appreciate it. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Everything you guys brought. And congrats on your relationship for sure. Thank you. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Take care. Bye-bye. This show is sponsored by Better Sleep. Hey, all you sleep sound lovers out there, Natalie and I are one of those people.

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Okay. All right. How long has this opinion of his been going on? Shortly after having our baby. So probably started around maybe two or three months after I was given the okay to go ahead with sex again. Gotcha. And what is your assessment of your sex drive? I would say it definitely significantly decreased almost to nothing after having the baby. I would say I breastfed for the first year. I think that had a lot to do with it.

I would say I breastfed for the first year. I think that had a lot to do with it. About when I stopped breastfeeding in a year, my sex drive did start coming back and is getting better. But it is definitely not where it was before having a baby. Gotcha. It's not as if like your boyfriend is... Making things up. Yeah. Okay.

Nevertheless, how do you feel like he is handling it? You know, because while it might be true that your sex drive has diminished, he could definitely make it worse or better. And do you think he's making it worse or better? Worse. Just, I mean, I thought he handled it pretty well towards the beginning, maybe a couple months in after having a kid. I thought he was very understanding and was giving me my time and space to try to find myself again.

But we had talked in length that I said, you know, I really think after stop breastfeeding, things will get more back to normal. So you kind of give me the time until about that mark. And after breastfeeding, things did get better. My sex drive did start coming back. But it was not where it was before. So I think that's where his frustration is because we were so aligned before having a baby. And now we have two different ideas on what we expect sexually. Gotcha. I mean, it might not ever get back to where it was there's yeah there is that what does he do to deal with this on his own i don't i don't really know um he doesn't always express his frustration so i think i'm putting i try to put more effort in and i think things are going better and smoothly as I'm initiating more,

I'm trying harder. And so I think things are going great. And then, you know, a month or two down the road, he'll say how things are not going great and it's not going the way he would like it to. What would he like? I mean,

do you just have a, I've asked him, I said, I've asked him what he would like, like his expectations are. I think it's mainly around the number of times. And I said, well, what's your ideal? Like how many times a week is ideal for you? And he can't give me a number. So that's frustrating. Because if I don't know what his expectations are how am i supposed to work towards he might be afraid to give a number is my guess yeah because all of a

sudden he says a number and then all of a sudden it's like holy shit you crazy sex fiend you know you know he might he might be self-conscious yeah i think this is a sensitive conversation right because obviously in a lot of cases again this is all is all coming from, I'm not a sex expert. So, but, you know, in a lot of cases we can't control our, how we feel. I mean, even as men, you can have periods where you just feel less sexual at times, you know? And it's just like, oh, let's, I don't feel as horny. I don't know.

It can happen. And in other cases, those periods can last longer than others. And certainly having a kid, I can only imagine that can play a role in your hormones or just generally being tired, raising a kid and things like that. And listen, it can be frustrating. Like you said, it sounds like he wanted it and tried to be understanding, but he's just hoping to make more love to his partner. It doesn't make him a bad guy. It's just kind of how do we find that common ground?

These are kind of TMI questions, but does he masturbate on his own in between i don't believe so no why i don't know would you be okay with that i mean i feel like if i asked him something like that you would get very uncomfortable okay well get comfortable with it i guess i don't know like it all depends on how you ask the question, too. It is a sensitive subject, right? And there are a lot of partners out there who aren't comfortable with the idea of their partners pleasuring themselves. Certainly, there's, like, a lot of women out there in heterosexual relationships who are uncomfortable with the idea of men pleasuring, you know, masturbating. And it's a normal thing, masturbating in general. Now, you get into a gray area, like,

are they consuming porn while they're masturbatingating and like people have different belief systems on that and things like that but i'm assuming he is to a certain degree uh but i don't maybe he's not that'll that'll help solve the problem real quick if he's not masturbating at all he'll get a lot less annoying if he does rub one out a couple times a week i don't know It's annoying if you just rub one out a couple times a week. I don't know. He probably is, and you don't know about it. But I think you guys need to get more comfortable with these conversations.

Also, like you mentioned, he's your boyfriend. You have a kid together. What conversations are you guys... Are there no desires for an engagement slash wedding? Are there desires? Where are you at there? Yeah, there are. Uh, we recently bought a house together, um, and we were, we're just making lower steps. We're kind of doing things completely opposite of the traditional way, I guess you'd say, but, um, yeah, we have talked about it. Uh, we have a ring picked out. Um,

so if I had to guess, uh, within the next couple of months, probably. We're both definitely on the same page about wanting to get married. Have you talked about couples therapy? I have brought it up. Yes. He is. You can turn that down very quickly. Oh, there you go.

Which I wasn't expecting him to, just, he's usually open to new things, but when he explained why he didn't want to, it made a little more sense to me. What did he say? I still think he should put the effort into, what did he say? Uh, he tried it with his ex and it was given to him as an ultimatum. When he finally gave in, he just said it was the beginning of the end. Sure. That makes sense. But he doesn't think we're at that point,

the beginning of the end. So he doesn't want, well, he's, he's, he's confusing that situation with like couples therapy in general. Yeah, I agree.

You know, so I don't know that relationship, right? It's not your relationship regardless. Right. But you're right. Maybe there was a situation where deep down in his heart, he knew it was like the love was gone.

And his partner at the time, he was kind of a checked out. And he reluctantly agreed to go to appease her. But that's not what couples therapy really is for. Couples therapy is for two people to help them communicate more effectively, to channel their emotions more maturely and to stay connected. I mean, that's my opinion of it. I don't know if that's, that's not the definition, but I think in general, it just helps people stay and become more connected if that's what they want to get out of it. But so much of therapy is what you want to get out of it. So if what you want to get out of it is to find ways to stay more

connected as a couple, then you can do that. And you say, hey, listen, I'm sorry you went through that with your past, but couples therapy helps a lot of couples deal with what we're dealing with. And what I want from you, babe, is I just want to feel close to you and connected to you. And I don't know, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you might say, Hey babe, like feeling more connected to you in general, honestly just makes me want to have more sex in general. I'm not saying that is like, like a guarantee. If you give me a hug, I'm going to be all like horned up, but just in general, feeling more connected to you makes me feel closer to you, makes me feeling closer to you, makes me want to have more sex, right? But either way, I just want to be connected with you.

So would you be willing to go with meet a couples therapy for us to just find ways to like, be more connected, be more aligned, be on the same page, talk through some of these awkward conversations, because I also want to improve our sex life. And maybe that's where you can find common ground, right? Because it sounds like you're not saying, hey, we're having more sex than I can even handle. Lay off, buddy. You're acknowledging, listen, I just had a fucking kid. It's a lot of fucking work. I don't feel like having sex as much as I used to. I acknowledge that. And in a perfect world, I'd love to want to have as much sex as you want to have.

I don't necessarily always feel that way, but I want to figure out and work with you how to get there. So we are at least aligned in our desire. So no one, you know, that you can communicate that if it's true, because then no one feels crazy. He doesn't feel like a bad guy for wanting to have more sex with his girlfriend, right? And you don't feel like a bad guy for not lying to. You have mutual desire, but how do you two get there now that your life is different, now that you have incorporated a new child in it? More responsibility. You've bought a house

together. Those are additional stresses. Saving up for a wedding. Those are stresses that can cause friction in a relationship. And couples therapy can help you work through all those periods in your life, work through how to communicate, and all while simultaneously stay connected. Yeah. If he chooses to see therapy as a vehicle to break up with someone you're just tired of arguing with, then sure. I see how he sees couples therapy that way. But that one experience doesn't dictate what most couples get out of

couples therapy if that's the side they want to get out of it. Yeah, I agree. Like, what do you want to get out of this experience? My guess is what I'm guessing what a couple's like, why are you here? What brought you in? And hopefully you guys will say, hey, well, you know, just in general, like, hey, we've had a lot going on in our lives. We just, we had a kid, blah, blah, blah. You know, one part is I think we want to talk to is about our sex life. But in general, I think we just want to like stake, we want to be more, we want to be closer. We want to feel more connected on a regular basis. And with that, I think we hope our sex life improves. We want to find times to communicate and we want to feel, we want to figure out how we can support

our each other when we feel disconnected without being triggered or making, you know, that about ourselves, all these things. So you could sit down with them and say, hey, I know I talked to you about couples therapy and I understand, like, thank you for sharing me with your last experience. It makes a total sense. But would you be willing to reconsider it? Because I do know a lot of people have gone to couples therapy and it helped them become closer if that's what they want to get out of it. And that's what I want to get out of with you. I want to go to couples therapy because I just want to be closer to you. I want to be stronger together. Not because we

don't know how to talk to each other, but I think we could always, everyone could use help. But yeah, I think just maybe explaining, like you said, like kind of exactly what I want to get out of it and why I would like to go would help. And explaining myself a little more than before I did, I just kind of mentioned it or asked him, kind of just getting a little more in depth. Yeah, so like find some common ground. Where do you guys align, right? And maybe it is the fact that like you share in your desire to have more sex,

but you're not going to have sex. You should, you know, I mean, we all kind of, maybe we all just perform when we're it's not like our biggest desire but for the most part you should have sex when you want to have sex now you guys have to figure out how you guys can get to a place you know where you both feel the need more often so you can say hey I want to have more sex with you too I just want to I want to I'm having a hard time finding the desire but maybe couples therapy can help us do that because I would like to have it more as well. Yeah. I think even just saying to him, like, cause I don't know if I've ever said

to him, like, I would like to have it more as well. I don't think I've ever said that to him. So maybe just even saying that would kind of reassure him that we're working towards something. Yeah. Because then you're not coming from like, yeah, you're not coming from opposing views. You're a united front. You're on the same team. You have a common goal. Yeah.

You know, because sometimes it's just like, oh, babe, I think we need couples therapy. Well, gee, what do we need couples therapy for? It's like, you know, it becomes, it feels adversarial. Oh, we need couples therapy because I hate you and you hate me. And something like that kind of energy. Because I'm tired of arguing with you and I want someone to agree with me. Yeah, like we need a referee because we're going at it. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And a lot of people approach it that way, but it doesn't have to be. Yeah, maybe that's how he's viewing it too. So I could see that. So maybe sit down and say, hey, babe, these are things that I've been thinking about. I love you. These, these are things that I want us to work on. I agree. I want to have more sex, but I'm just struggling with my sex drive, but I want to figure out a way that we can work on it together. And I just want to be on the same page because I don't want to feel like I'm disappointing you. And I don't think you want to feel like that as well. And I also

want to work on us just communicating in general. And I want to work on us just staying connected. So if we can find a good therapist that helps us with those things, would you be willing to go? Because I understand what you experienced last time, but that's not what I'm looking for. I think overall, we're doing good. I just want us to do even better. Because I'm having a hard time figuring this out on my own. And I think we need help. That's all.

Yeah. I think that would be a good place to start and see how he reacts to that. And I think that'll be kind of telling with his reaction as well. He's got to do more than just complain. Yeah. Yeah. Putting in a little effort and trying as well as needed. Exactly.

But this is a sensitive issue. And I think people get very defensive and they don't want to seem like the bad guy. So they kind of huff and puff. And I think you guys both need to create an environment where these conversations are safe to have. You don't even know if your boyfriend masturbates every once in a while. Yeah. You should. Yeah, I should. You have a kid together. Yeah, exactly. It's not that big of a deal. You guys should be allowed to do that once in a while, especially if maybe you are just fucking tired and you have the right to be. Let him go do his thing and you can just like chill the fuck out, you know?

Yeah, that would be nice too. All right. Well, keep us posted. We'd love to know how that conversation goes. I think so many people like yourself are looking for ways to try to get their partner to go to couples therapy with them without having them kick and scream the whole way. But you know, maybe try to, what is the common ground?

You know, like why you two need to be on the same page as to why you are choosing to get couples therapy together. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I think that's a great place to start. Awesome.

We'll see how it goes. All right. Well, good luck. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care. Keep us posted. Okay. All right. Well, good luck. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care.

Keep us posted. Okay. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Well, thanks for listening, guys. We'll see you next time. Okay.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.