The Viall Files - E61 Ask Nick - 40 Year-Old Virgin with Brad Goreski

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Today we are joined by return guest Brad Goreski to answer questions from listeners! We talk to a 40 year-old virgin, a woman who is struggling with an old friendship, someone whose boyfriend won’t move in with her, and a woman who fell for a mentally-ill man.  Listen to Brad’s new podcast Brad Behavior! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail].  THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: YOUCISIAN: https://yousician.com/viall ARTICLE: https://www.article.com/nick - $50 off!  EMBARK: https://embarkvet.com CODE: VIALL BETTER HELP: https://www.betterhelp.com/VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on happy monday y'all nick's a little buzzed uh i'm a little buzzed i uh i was just drinking caitlin bristell's wines. Whoa. Made in Sparrow. It's refreshing. It is so good. It is good. Also, we're drinking out of the cutest glasses that Jess from Chatty Broads gifted us. She did gift us. We've helped each other out in various avenues, and they sent me that thank you gift, which was very nice.

So we have a little whiskey glass. What does your glass say? It says Nick and it says Essential Oils Mogul podcast host, Hot Bob Ross, the boss. It actually is the first time reading all of it. Thank you, Chatty Broads. A lot of podcast synergy going on right now.

Yes. Caitlin Bristow's podcast, the Chatty Broads. But before we even get to Caitlin Bristow, which by the way is on Wednesday. Yes. You'll check out Caitlin's episode tomorrow. It's a live show. On her podcast.

On her podcast, which we haven't recorded yet. Are you nervous? I don't know what to expect. It's a live show on her podcast on her podcast which we haven't recorded yet are you nervous i don't know what to expect it's a live show with a lot of caitlin fans and then caitlin uh will be on the vod files on wednesday very different conversation you shared a lot i was surprised by what she talked about a lot and she brought me a clip it's very nice thank you her clip and scrunchie yeah um so yeah i mean big big big week big week in the podcast space i guess so can't wait make sure to check out both podcasts rate mine five, and I guess you could rate hers. So Brad Goreski's joining us today. Big day.

Brad Goreski's back. Hello, Nick. Hello, Rochelle. Hi, Brad. Yeah, we like to mix it up here on the Ask Nick portions of Questions with Nick. We had my sister, now we have Brad, and it's a great way for us to bring back some of our fan favorite guests. And really get that gay male perspective. Always important.

Seriously, though. You had some really great perspectives this episode, Brad. Thanks. That was really great. Thank you. It's really good to see you. What have you been up to? Oh, my gosh, Nick.

What haven't I been up to is the question. Blurting with you on Instagram. That's a full-time job. But one, you you know is it really a job if you enjoy it no it's not actually it's my i just troll instagram waiting for your post to come up so i can think of something semi-sexual to put in the comments really get the yeah get the ladies going what's going going on? They love it. So, well, breaking news, you already know this. I have started my own podcast. You have. Called Brad Behavior.

I heard episode two is a huge hit. Episode two is actually people are freaking out because you're my second guest, my first male guest. Yes. And you were a great guest, my first male guest. And you were a great guest naturally. But yeah, I'm really excited. It launched on November 13th on the Lady Gang Network. And I'm really excited to be a part of the Lady Gang family. And I'm really happy to be able to sit down and share more of myself with others. I had a lot of fun recording that episode with you. Are your other episodes just as dynamic as ours?

You know, yeah. Well, yours was, of course, the most dynamic. What did you guys talk about? We really just shot the shit for a good... It was just kind of... We had just a fun conversation. Yeah, I feel like that's basically the whole um idea behind rad behavior is that you know obviously there's like a fashion

um focus on it because of you know the fact that i do a lot of fashion stuff but it's also um you know i like to kind of get deep with people but i also just like to shoot the shit, so to speak, and help hopefully show different sides of the guests that I have on. So I had Kaley Cuoco as my first guest and you, and of course, Tonya Rad will be making an appearance as well

among many others. What day of the week does it drop? On Wednesdays. Competition. Competition. No. Nick, this just got sexier. I'm happy to support you.

Oh my God. Who's going to be on top? That's the question. He just leaned his head so far back his headphones came off. I lost my headphones. And then you and Gary have another show coming out on HBO Max.

I'm excited about this one. Thank you. Yeah, we are starting to film a show. It's going to be on HBO Max. It's called Brad and Gary Go To. That's the working title. And it's a travel show where we're literally going to go all over the world to very interesting places. And we're just going to bring our fans and our friends along for the ride.

And we're actually like literally just structuring the show as we would as if we were going, you know, on a vacation. So we're actually doing the itinerary and um but this time we will have the film crew with us who will be documenting it so we have um six uh half hour episodes and hbo max i think is launching sometime in the spring of 2020 what is hbo max so hbo max is um warner brothers streaming service so everybody's got a streaming service yes girl and um obvious and also at&t they just announced that all the subscribers to hbo now no all the subscribers the at&t subscribers that have hbo are automatically going to be getting hbo max what is the difference between HBO Now and HBO something else?

So HBO Now is the, or HBO Go is the streaming service. So it's their on-demand service. I have HBO. HBO Max is going to be, so they have the library, the entire library for Friends, Big Bang Theory, Pretty Little Liars, I believe, as well. And then they have a ton of original programming. Yes, me and Kaley Cuoco show The Flight Attendant,

which she's about to take off to go and film as well, her next project. They have really good stuff on there. Well, Brad, if you ever, you and Gary need a third wheel. Nick, I've been asking for you to be our third for a really long time. You set yourself up for that one.

I'll only come if there's cameras. So I've been told. Oh, no. Yeah. Welcome to... That was too easy. Welcome to a dinner, any text DM conversation between Nick and myself. Well, congratulations on all your success.

It's a lot of fun. Thanks. I'm glad that you're doing so well. I appreciate you gracing us on this episode. Brad, it was a lot of fun, this episode. Yeah, it's a lot of fun this episode. Yeah. It's a good episode as always. Anything else we want to,

any anecdotes about our- No, I'm super worried about my, leaving my car in the Chipotle parking lot. Oh, it's fine. Well, all right. Well- Nick, are you dating anyone right now? He'll never say.

I'm not defining relationships at the present time. Okay. That's just like a politician's answer. I mean, it's fine if you're not defining, but like I feel like you were kind of the perpetual bachelor for a while. So it's like an interesting shift. You and Tanya should get together and talk about your, cause I told Tanya Rad that she needs to maybe get into a relationship and do

what you're doing and not like really like talk about it until the relationship has like. Does she talk about. Dating. All the guys she's. All the time. On the pod, on Kiss like specifically each guy like no they have code names but like they know that she gets into detail yeah interesting and then the all of

their like scrubbers and stuff up from their podcast they oh girl they figured out they like screen grabbed and into the story of mine and like zoomed in on the face and like it was wild or the reflection someone's yeah yeah yeah yeah no yeah all right i can respect that uh yes why are you being so coy it's fun being coy is fun when it comes to my dating life yeah yeah i don't you know yeah i don't know i I mean, offline, Brad, we can have a full conversation about it. Wow. Aren't you lucky?

Dot, dot, dot. The only way you can get Nick to be quiet is to ask him about his dating life. Oh my God. That was good. And on that note, let's get to it Question time with Nick Let's ask Nick your sexy questions

Alright how's it going? Hi Good I'm Sarah And I'm 40 Great nice to meet you Sarah I'm Nick is my friend Brad. He will be helping us solve all your problems. I'm 42. And Rochelle is with us as well. Hi.

Awesome. Hi. How can we help you, Sarah? So my question is that I'm 40. I've never been in a relationship. And because of that, I'm still a virgin. And I think I really don't know how to discuss that with someone that I might date. Yeah. Okay.

In the future. Interesting. It's real simple, I guess. Why do you think you haven't been in a relationship? Like you've never dated anyone? Have you been on dates? Yeah, I've been on probably at the most like five dates with someone with like two different people, I guess. And I've been on like a few first dates, but they all were really awful. Just like online dates. First dates can be. Pardon? First dates, a lot of people go on dates first dates can be pardon at first dates a lot a lot of people go

on bad first dates yeah yeah yeah and so yeah so i have no idea um i don't yeah i don't really get asked out a lot so i don't know if it's yeah i don't really know why i haven't been in a relationship or dated well i know you're anonymous you're very pretty. I mean, you're, you know, like you're, you're pretty, yeah. Right. Um, what's your story? Like, you know, you're 40 years old. What were you doing in your twenties? I mean, this is clearly not a, like a situation where you're like, no one would date me. I mean, like you're, what are you doing? Like, are you not available or you've been busy like what's going on yeah i mean i think in my 20s i i don't know i mean i went i guess online dating had like taken off really in my 20s so i was just

uh early 20s i guess um just out there thinking oh i'll I'll meet someone around, like, at work or with friends. And I just met people that I liked, but they never liked me back. And I think I ended up being friends with guys. And so I'll have, like, probably my biggest heartbreaks in life have been, like, friends that then get married and ditch me as a friend okay didn't you say sarah oh go ahead um didn't you say you grew up like in the purity culture and um and you also said no one asked you out until this one guy um yeah what's what's purity culture we've talked a lot about this brad uh rachelle was part of the purity culture is that like the promise ring culture yeah

sign a contract to not have sex i gotcha you know like i i quasi grew up in that but not really like i definitely did not i was 16 and they're like don't have sex before marriage but like right my parents that they kind of ended there where get jewelry i didn't get signify yeah that must be playing some sort of role at least in your early life of why you were maybe not getting out there um in your dating life i guess but i mean it's like i was around guys that were all in the same like going to church whatever and none of them like me either so like it's easy to think that that's part of it but it's not like i wasn't around single guys either so i i think it's hard i think for me like the purity culture damage was more about saying that like women are not sexual men are sexual and women are responsible for being pure and that's like

their value and like stopping men from wanting to have sex with them or i don't know if that makes sense but i mean no that totally makes i mean it makes sense that yeah it's totally screwed up it's really screwed up because yeah you just feel like you're a kid and you're being told you don't want sex because you're a woman and you're like, but I do. Am I, is there something wrong with me? Um, but that's kind of what you're taught. And so it like really messes up your view of like your value and your worth. And so I think I was pretty insecure and then thinking, Oh, of course I'll get married. I'll find someone. And then not really dating.

It sort of builds on your lack of confidence, I think, because you're like, wait, I thought people would like me. No one does like now. What's what am I doing wrong? And I think as I've changed in my beliefs, of course, of being like, wow, what a damaging mindset I had as a kid and sort of getting away from that and then being older I like went on what like I dated one guy for a few times and he really was like why aren't you more sexually aggressive like he just really shamed me for being not sure if I liked him yet like I wasn't confident but I wasn't sure if I liked him and I explained to him like I'd rather kind of get to know you for a little bit, go out for a little bit before we have sex and see if I really like you or, you know, if this is anything. And he was totally fine with it, but just really kept pressuring me and obviously

didn't really feel okay with that, even though he said he did. And he broke up with me telling me I wasn't attractive enough so again it was like shame for not being sexual enough and so I think if I had to guess like I think I probably project just like a lack of confidence yeah that's probably fair um and then I mean that guy that that guy obviously like I hope you know this but i'm sure he was just being a little bitch because you he couldn't get what he wants so that classic case of him making you feel bad because he felt bad about himself and he was just you know um this i mean to me this sounds like a kind of a snowball effect that's built up over the years of a variety of different variables and now

you're just kind of at this point in your life where you're kind of in this, this rut and there's, you know, simple answer of necessarily how to get out of it. I mean, you are, you're a beautiful person. You, I don't know you, but you seem pretty normal enough. It's not like you're calling us. And you're like kind of these weird ticks. You're like, you seem a very chill, pretty girl know so and and anyone can find someone right there's there's things like i don't want to say you're doing anything wrong but what you're doing probably wrong is you know you're

probably in your head a little bit too much this idea that you're uh you know you've you've made friends with a couple guys who end up not liking you and then marry someone else there's might be something there about who you are going after and maybe you're just kind of like getting comfortable with guys and you feel like in this safe place and it's like this friend you're kind of probably you're used to having guy friends and that regard because it feels safe and comfortable. But how do you break the cycle? Yeah. And those guys are people that I liked or wanted to date.

They were just like comfortable. I think fillers for like the guy energy in your life, even though you're like, if they wanted to date me, I wouldn't have wanted to date them. Yeah. Brad had a great question. Like,

how do you break the cycle? And I think it comes down, down to that. I mean, I've, I've heard mixed opinions about this. Like, there's a lot of people, Heather, she's a comedian. I was on her podcast. Donald. Heather McDonald.

Thank you. She has a book. I read her book. And she lost her virginity at like 27, 28, not 40. But at that point, it was a part of her, like Ashley, I, my friend who was a virgin into her, I don't know what age, but late 20s, early 30s. Certainly that was a point in her life where it became a thought process, an identity, something that she identified with, something that she worried about when going on dates,

et cetera, et cetera. Similar to your point. At point, like it doesn't matter that you're 40 or 29. You know, Heather in her book talked about like she wished she never told the guy. She wished she would have just kept to herself. She talked about how she made such a big deal about it on every date. But like, why does he need to know? It really didn't change anything. It was just kind of some guy that she ended up having sex with. I'm not saying that's the right thing, but it's an interesting point of view where, listen,

if you want a guy to know, that's fine. That's your prerogative. You have the right to want to have that conversation with them. But I feel like when you have these conversations with a few virgins that I've known late in their life, they feel like there's this burden. Like, how do I tell these guys and how do I have the conversation? And the question it begs kind of like what Rachel Heather brought up is, do you have to have this conversation as if like, do you feel like it's your responsibility to let

the guys know when you're dating? Is that why you want them to know? Or no, I actually don't want them to know. But I had a friend that was like, you can dating is that why you want them to know or no i actually don't want them to know but i had a friend that was like you can't keep that a secret and they'll be able to tell anyway that you don't know what your friends did yeah i totally disagree with your friend and by the way is she your friend a virgin no okay then what the fuck does she know like you know what i'm saying like why does she is there a book saying you have to tell someone? Yeah, well, because I'm thinking it's none of their business in a way,

and it has nothing to do with them. It's not like I waited for them or all that language around saving yourself or taking it from me. It has nothing to do with them, so I agree. I mean, I don't want to tell someone. Then you don't have to, in my opinion. In a serious relationship, I feel like I'd. I mean, I don't want to tell someone, but... Then you don't have to, in my opinion. In a serious relationship, I feel like I'd have to say, oh, and by the way, I've met... Like, wouldn't it come up like, well, who have you been with or whatever? I feel like it would come up at some point.

I'd be like, oh, I know I didn't tell you, but yeah, you're the only... I know this is maybe not ideal, but I'm curious. This is a question. Are you open to losing your virginity in a more casual atmosphere i don't mean necessarily one night stand but does it have to be someone you've been dating for six months no i mean i'm fine with having sex with someone that i meet and like go on a few dates with and really like and whatever. Like that's fine with me. If you are, whatever you're comfortable with, I think is important.

And that's what you should do. But I kind of feel like you kind of have to get this thing out of the way. Yeah. Your first time also is like never that monumental. The first time is always the worst. I mean, it's, it's like. Like not like the greatest. It's not.

It's not that way. Like it should be. My other problem of even getting the date to begin with like fine but i do think there's a combination it's like a chicken for the egg thing there's a lot going on in your head and you're probably projecting a lot and this virginity aspect is in your head there's i i would be you're without knowing and having hung out with you there's no way it's not you're not projecting that there's there's got to be a liberating feeling that you're going to have once you just be like you know what fuck i'm not a virgin you know like and i know i'm just like let me get this out of the way so i can like move on yeah there's my life there's no way it's

not coming into play because like the fact that you it sounds like you're not a virgin for any other reason that you just happen to be a virgin now like maybe there was the purity element when you're younger but like that's not playing a role now and now i feel like now you're just kind of like stuck and then you're asking why why am i not is it me etc etc and there's no way that's not playing a role on on in your dating life and so i i don't know how it couldn't be you know it's it's got to be a thought but in order to get somebody to to go on a date with you or to have sex with you you have to start with yourself and that's building up your own self-confidence that you are able to like if you are sure of yourself and not apologizing for your past or the fact that

you are a virgin like if you just accept that as a part of yourself and kind of like nurture it and be like this is a part of who i am and i'm not going to make any exceptions i'm not going to apologize for it i'm not going to make a big deal about it, because it makes up a part of who I am. And so when you get to a place where you're actually kind of like, you know, accept everything about who you are, up to your 40 years, then it won't matter when you're out on a date with the person, if it comes up, cause you'll be like,

this is part of my life and I am a virgin and it's like not a big deal. And I'm, you should be really lucky that you're the first person that gets to have sex with me, bitch. Like that would be where I would come from. I'd be like, I've been saving this for a long time

and you happen to be the person and you should count yourself lucky red i like what you're saying but i i and i think that's the mindset i'm trying to get to but it's like and i think that's why my question is like how do i explain myself because i'm not at a point like i know where i'm just like, no one else has wanted me, so you probably shouldn't either, you know, like, and I'm like, no, you shouldn't feel that way. But deep down, I do, you know, and you're like, how do you get away from your feelings and be like, it's rewrite the dialogue. You wrote that script for yourself already. So like, burn it in your brain and rewrite another one. Play a different character.

Pretend you're somebody else. Like, you know, we all wear different disguises and masks and put on different performances for people all the time in our daily lives. Like sometimes I'm business brats. Sometimes I'm husband brats. You know, it's like, not like I'm schizophrenic, but you wear different, you put on different appearances and performances for different people. So pretend that you're like, a super confident person until you believe it, like faking it, fake it until you make it is literally what everybody does in LA. So just do it in the dating world, like rewrite your story, rewrite the dialogue in in your head because the one that you are acting on now is not serving you anymore. So just rewrite it.

You're definitely in the rut that way. Yeah, and I totally agree with Brad there. And it's going to be, that's sometimes easy to say and harder to do, but you can do it. But like, just know that there will be moments where, you know you it's you know you'll run into these these assholes or these guys and they'll make a comment and it's

what you're probably i'm guessing sensitive to it and and totally rightfully so you know where something that might uh someone might say something to me and it doesn't bother me could bother you you know and so just know that like it does take time and go out there and just yeah change it up whatever you're doing now do things differently but you do have to try to get out of your head are you you must be con it sounds like you're just constantly questioning and judging yourself and to brad's point i think you really need to like in your head, change that narrative of instead of self criticizing you, you should be proud of it. Like, why not? You know, there's nothing to judge yourself for.

But also when you bring in somebody else into your life. So if you bring if you actually start dating a guy and he tells you all the time that you're beautiful, but you don't believe it anyway, it's not going to matter if there's somebody else there telling you that unless you kind of believe it. That's a great point. I mean, we can we can be loved by others until we love ourselves. But like my mom told me when I was like a teenager, basically, that like, you will not be able to love anybody unless you love yourself. And I had no idea what that meant. And I don't know if I'm like, I, you know, I like myself a lot. But like, I think and I, you know, I've been with my husband for 18 years. And he tells me all the time that I'm doesn't matter where we are.

And he means it like, you are the most handsome person in this room. He tells it to me all the time. And so like, but if I didn't believe that, I'd be like, Oh, no, like that guy over there is like so much cuter and has a better body. I'm like, thanks. I am. Thank you. And I'm glad that you see that.

That is true. Yeah. Because if you are in your head sometimes, like if you don't believe that, it doesn't matter how many compliments you'll get. You'll wonder if they're just saying it to like be nice or to pander you or, you know, things like that. So that's a great point where you it does you know you'll be in your head about that like oh well they just say it because they know i'm a virgin you know like are they trying to they're trying to be nice i'm gonna tell you when i start working with a client when i'm styling somebody the first thing that i make them tell me is what they like about

themselves and i think that you should do like a little bit of work like actual just like writing work about like what you like what you have to work about like what you, like what you have to offer and like what you're like, what it is that you put out in the world that attracts people to you. Like, I don't know you, so I can't say what those things are, but I would say to my girlfriends, like you have a great laugh. You're, you always light up the room. People look forward to seeing you. You're so warm. You're, you know, like whatever it is, like write like a love letter to yourself so that you know exactly what you offer and it's down on paper so that you can see like, oh, well, when I walk into a dating situation or when I walk into a room, this is what I bring.

Yeah, I think that's great. Another thing, I mean, you know, it's different than your situation, but sometimes you mention your friend and your friend giving you feedback and like friends, we always try to be good thing i mean you know it's it's different than your situation but sometimes you mention your friend and your friend giving you feedback and like friends we always try to be good friends and sometimes we project but i remember when i was and i broke up with my girlfriend this was i was pretty young and sometimes like you know again you keep in mind your friends are always hearing your problems over and over right and so um so what I would, my point is like, I would constantly be sad or I would, you know,

complain to my friends X, Y, and Z. And then your friends start giving you information because they don't know what to say to you at some point. So my point with, especially with your immediate friends, I think that's really important to let them know that you're not bothered by this virgin thing or you're not bothered by this because like eventually your friends will give you all these different types of advice based on the fact that like they've been hearing this kind

of plight of yours for years now. And I think they need to see it differently on you. So like they don't see it because they don't want to think, oh, poor Sarah, you know, she just have to, like, it's not, you don't see it as a problem. And you kind of like to Brad's point, you wear it proudly and you go out and you smile and you have that confidence. Your friends will, they won't, you don't want their pity, right? But in defense to your friends, you've probably been complaining to them for so long about this thing, because, and again, they're your friends, they're your go-to people. But after a while, it just kind of like gets exhausting sometimes.

So try not to cross them. I'm exhausted of my friends being like, I don't know why you're single. You'll find someone this year, year, year. And then it's like another year goes by and they're like, oh, no, you're probably going to find, you know, like they're more like you'll find someone. And it keeps being like, well, I haven't. So how many people do you ask out? What? Do you ever ask people out or you just wait to be asked out?

That's a great question. I don't ask people out because I don't think I trust that they really like me. Yeah, you need to stop doing that. Thank you for asking that, Rochelle. You need to take some risks. You need to do something different. Whatever you've been doing and not forgetting about the virgin thing and just like going on dates you need to change because what you're doing isn't working um you need to take some risk you need to be okay with sometimes

a guy not being into you it doesn't in any way speak to like who you are how good you look everyone gets rejected everyone puts themselves out there and from time to time gets turned down. Everyone, everyone, if you would, if you picture a woman or a guy who thinks they could, everyone they want, trust me, they can't like it's, you know what I'm saying? So you need to put yourself out there. Sometimes you are a pretty person, woman. You are like, you seem very nice. You seem like a great person, but you are so closed off and you are now like you're waiting for guys to ask you but you're like no one wants me and the guys are like yeah you're right um so you need to change that narrative you know you know so like you you need to say yeah i agree and i think like

i know you guys were talking about enneagram types and I'm like a four Enneagram and it talks about how you just think about your feelings too much. And you like can go through life, not ever acting on what you want because you just stay in your head. And I think that's been like a really huge realization. And I think this is one of those areas where I've sort of just been like, oh my gosh, like I have to start living life instead of thinking about it. Yeah. I mean, the George Costanza approach, like whatever you think you should do, do the opposite. Try that for a while when it comes to your dating life. I know. Because whatever I'm doing, and it's so funny because I'll be like, here's what I'm doing. It seems like what everyone else has done to meet their people. Like, go on, you know, get set up.

Like, get involved. Go out and do activities. Like, meet new people. Like, go on dating apps. I'm like, I've done it all and none of it's worked. And so I keep doing it. And again, if you're waiting for guys to ask you, then you are subject to like them just like you don't get to pick who you go out with kind of thing. You know, if you're waiting for someone to ask you, then you're like, well, like, okay, well, he asked, so I'll go out with him.

I mean, there might be three guys that you would prefer to go out with, but you refuse to put yourself out there. People don't do it because they're afraid of the rejection. They're afraid of like them saying no. You just like change it up take some risk be okay with be okay with putting yourself out there and i know it's risky because you're you're lacking confidence right now and that might play into like getting turned but like it is dating right nothing to your point has worked for you right now like it's it's just it's just dating you know the worst thing that can happen if in a year from now

you're still single and you change it up is that you probably have some great stories you can come back on this podcast you can share them with everyone it'll be really interesting to be great for us uh no but like you know like it's you're gonna you're gonna have more highs and lows if you put yourself out there and it'll even out. But right now you're just doing the same thing you've plateaued and it's, you know, you're in this vicious cycle. So the virgin thing, I try to separate that and I really don't think you need to worry about what you should say to someone. That burden, I don't think. And then start putting yourself out there. Ask a couple guys out and some might say no, that's okay. Some will say yes.

Try maybe changing in who you're going out with. Don't get too comfortable. If you have this routine of guy friends, don't get too, don't give your, don't invest too much real estate into guys that you're not going to date. Yeah. I think I've been like actively trying not to do that because I think it's my

trap. Yeah. That's a, that's good to be aware of that. But yeah, mix it up. We'd love to hear from you, give some updates, but really make an effort on changing that narrative that Brad said. Fake it till you make it. And then just actively, literally doing different things, whatever it is in your dating life. Take some more risks and just know that the immediate reaction,

the results do not define who you are. Totally. Thank you. Thank you, Nick. Thanks, Brad. Thanks, Rochelle. Well, thanks so much for calling. We wish you all the best.

We hope to hear from you. It's going to happen. You seem like a really lovely person inside and out so like you there's really truly no reason why um if you really want it in your life you you you won't have it yeah all right no problem my pleasure welcome abundance yeah thanks for calling bye wow what an anomaly she what like what a delightful she just had a good energy about her yeah but she did keep saying no one wants me no one wants me like brad said if you keep saying that that's what's gonna be that's a self-fulfilling prophecy yeah getting stuck in the like the drain

right of your own mind yes like i mean we all do it but you have to kind of have the ability to be able to see how far you want to go down that. And the other thing is, is like, listen, if you really want to, if the thing that's holding you back is the fact that you're a virgin, like, we're in like a hidden and quitted society. Like, if you want to bang it out with somebody, like, there's an ad. It's like literally you can to bang it out with somebody like there's there's an it's like literally you can get like sex anywhere so like if that's something you really just want i just want to get it over with at this point like that can happen it's a little trickier with women because we worry about yes getting killed sometimes yes i'm saying to not funny but yes to brad's point yes if if truly that was her only goal yeah that is

possible but it's interesting like you know rochelle said like it is a confidence thing even people in relationships you know sometimes when someone's dating someone they're slightly insecure they feel like internally like they outkick their coverage where they're like man how do i how do i land this person yeah and they constantly say to their partner like i feel like you're too good for me i feel eventually the other person's gonna be like i am am i too good for that it happens so like if the other it's it's human nature to be like man i don't like if you tell the other person you're not good enough for them they're not gonna they're gonna be like yeah i guess i don't know i guess you aren't i'm so glad i didn't get crazy in my relationship. I mean, I don't know if that was just youth or what, but I don't know.

I don't remember. I remember saying like, I hope this lasts, but not like I wasn't doing crazy stuff. How old were you? 23. Aw. Yeah. When you met Gary? Yeah.

Damn. I'm just glad. I don't know. I'm so glad I didn't get all crazy. How's it going? Hi. I'm just glad. I don't know. I'm so glad I didn't get all crazy. How's it going? Hi, I'm Brett. I'm 19. Hi, Brett, who's 19. Youth.

So I really need some help. Basically, the main thing I'm trying to get advice on here is how to maintain long-distance friendships. Basically, long story short, I've been friends with this girl for pretty much my entire life. And I just moved away, like, about a year ago. So we are long distance now. And she had been dating this guy for about three years. Um, and they got engaged last year. And then like seven months later, she ended the engagement.

And a month after that, she is now engaged to someone else. And I, there's some drama with that but you know we won't get into that that's kind of a long story but basically she's just been making me feel uncomfortable in our friendship um along with like those like her new fiance and she's been like putting pressures on me and my relationship um like saying like when are you getting married or like you need to we need to get married together and we need to like have babies together and I'm like okay you know at the time she told me that I was 18 and I was like okay well I'm happy with where my relationship is at and I'm only 18 like so it's just been I've been

kind of uncomfortable um she's been making me a little bit uncomfortable with dating this new guy um and I'm just trying to figure out like do I approach the situation and kind of talk to her about how I'm uncomfortable or like she's asking me to be in this wedding. Do I be in the wedding? Do I spend the money? Um, like just really how much effort should I put into this friendship now that we're long distance and it's a little bit harder to like have those tough conversations when we're not face to face. Sure. Um, I'm feeling like I'm going to be a total cynic answering this, this question. I apologize for any condescension that comes out of my mouth.

No, this is a great question. I mean, you said something at the very end that I thought was interesting. You're like, how much should I really invest if it's long distance? How much do you want to invest? How important is this friendship to you today? Not based off of your history, i guess is my first question yeah well that's kind of what i'm struggling with because it she used to mean a lot to me but just like recently since she's been kind of making me feel uncomfortable and like we've just been

kind of distanced like i I've been distancing myself, but I don't know if that's really the right thing to do. And I don't know if I'm handling it the right way with like becoming kind of like distance. Yeah. I mean, you're at the very beginning of your adult life, you know, and you're going to learn so much and grow and change as a person. Friendships often change. I feel very fortunate, incredibly fortunate to have two friends that are still involved in my life from high school, two. And I feel fortunate. And I think that's a rarity to still have them be that as close as they are. My point of saying is like, it's a rare thing to maintain lifelong friendships.

And sometimes it's because like you change, you know, like what your interests were as young teenagers and young adults is, it often changes over time. And, you know, relationships, you know, start and stop, just like boyfriend and girlfriends and sometimes husband and wives, sometimes it's just friends. And that's because you end up wanting different things. Your priorities change. So there isn't this burden to be like, I have to be friends with you the rest of your life

because when you were sophomores in high school, you guys, like, promised each other you'd be friends forever. You know, we sometimes make those promises promises we make promises all the time we make you'll make those promises to adults in your your 30s about like i feel like we could be i want to get married and you're like yeah just kidding um so i think just in general don't make uh don't make few you know like present commitments and choices based off of promises you made to yourself or your friends in the past. I mean, you do want to be loyal. Does she make you feel bad? That's not a friend. A list of qualities you want in any type of relationship or partner or friendship,

making you feel bad about yourself is not a quality you'd want in anyone. So that matters. That could be a temporary thing. Her wanting you to get engaged and married, obviously because she's doing this for whatever reason. I don't know her, so I can't make judgments on why she seems so committed on getting engaged and married so early.

But clearly she wants to have friends share in that. And we all as young people have talked about like, oh, wouldn't it be cool if we had kids at the same time we all get married? The answer is no. Yeah. Yeah. Right. But I know I did that when I was 18 and 19 with my friends. And then you kind of like, you're like, yeah, that was kind of weird. And it's cool if it works out, but like, you don't certainly plan your life around it um you know you um so you know as far as do i go to the wedding i think there's fine to go to the wedding and support your friend you don't have to like everything your friends do and you can still be there for them

if you literally can't afford it you know traveling plane ticket when asking me I her last fiance I knew like they dated for three years I knew him like pretty well and she asked me to be in the wedding so I had I agreed to be in her wedding and then now that she's with this new guy it's kind of just like an unspoken saying that all of the people that were going to be her bridesmaids are still going to be her bridesmaids. And I'm at the point now where like they're talking about like me going back home and like traveling to get a dress and doing all of this extra stuff. And I just don't know if like I don't know how to be like, hey, I don't actually support this relationship. I don't really want to be in this wedding and spend this much money. I just don't know how to like approach that situation. Question, what created the long distance? So you moved from home?

Yeah. So when I was 17, I graduated high school and moved three hours to where I'm living now. So my boyfriend, her, my best friend, my family, they all live three hours away. Are you in college? Are you going to school? I was. I did one year in school, and that's another thing, too. We kind of planned like um our schooling together like

we both did a year of community college and ended up like hating it and um I'm taking a year off right now to like work full-time and save up and we were planning on going to like cosmetology school together next year and that's not really happening for her either anymore like basically this new guy is just kind of changing her whole yeah that's life pretty common and I yeah so I don't know if I just don't know how to approach it since I'm like not there to have a conversation with her face to face I don't't know how to say, this is how I feel. And I don't really want to be in your wedding. Like I, I just don't know what to do since it's, it would be over the phone, which can be kind of misconceived.

Sometimes we have to have conversations over FaceTime or the phone. Like, you know, we're talking now I can see you can have a pretty intimate conversation with someone video Skype. I don't think that's really the issue listen again you're I don't want to like dismiss your friendship that you have with your friends but you guys are both young and and you're at this kind of point in your life or she's going one direction and you're potentially going another and I think just accepting that is important just like you can't resist it if this is what she wants to do don't feel like you have to mimic her life. You have a whole life in front of you and you should make choices based off of, I mean,

it's fun to say, well, we're going to go to school together. Go to school because you want to figure out what your dreams are, what your passions are. Focus on that. Yeah. And friends should be there to support you along this journey. It doesn't, like, you know, when you're in high school, you do everything together. Like, you're going to have your own life and create it. And like, friendships change too. Friendships, when you're younger, you're with each other every day. You talk every day, constant. My friends I referred to that I talk about in high school, like,

I hear from them once a month, tops, right? When I go home for the holiday, they're still my closest friends. They have families and kids now. It's different. It's going to evolve over time. And so it's going to evolve for you. So live your life. Again, you're at the start of your adult life, and you need to focus on you and what you want. And these are important years to, like, I encourage you to go back to school. You can always have a full-time job.

It's harder and harder to go back to school when you're, you know, you'll have more excuses to not go back is all I'm saying. You can always go back, but you'll have more excuses not to go back. So, you know, it is 18, 19, 20. Those are important years to be selfish, I think. If you're ever going to be selfish,

those are the years to do it. It also sounds like you're putting, you've put your life on hold and are like following this kind of schedule that your friend has put you on. And now she's gone off and is doing her own kind of thing. And you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait a second here. We were supposed to be like, we were in school together.

Now we're not in school anymore. And now that I'm not in school together and now we're not in school anymore and now that i'm not in school anymore i'm working and you're off you know getting engaged twice and now expecting me to like what happened to our plan yeah you know and so it really just like happened like that we didn't initially like plan like i'm pretty like independent I would say like I moved away from home like I could have just you know stayed in my hometown but it kind of just happened that way where we were both we both went through the same thing and but we're at the point now where we're not going through the same thing anymore and I still have the full intentions to like I guess

you would call it like be selfish and pursue my career whether it's with her or not um but I'm just kind of like I don't know how I should approach her or if I should at all like should I just keep distancing myself or should I should i have a conversation that's like i don't want to like be as good of friends as we were like do i need to have that conversation conversation or not i don't think you have to have a breakup conversation those things happen organically right again your friendship could change too right like you can still be her friend she could yeah if let's say she goes through with this engagement right like you can still be her friend she could yeah if let's say she goes through with this engagement gets married you can just be like

that's not for me like you won't be as close right you probably won't have but like you don't have to like hate her now it's like you can't you can still hang out in christmas and things those things kind of tend to fade away especially now if she does get married her her husband will be a bigger priority so like i don't think you have to be like i'm not gonna you know as far as going to the wedding it sounds like you don't really want to go and you don't want to spend the money that's okay i don't think you should feel guilty about that i think that's a big takeaway um you can let her know that and just be like i just you know i i i yeah i mean you might have to say that i'm not going to be in

your wedding um and you're gonna say i'm not gonna would it be awful if i like said like you know i just can't afford it or what's the truth to work like would it be bad if i just like used like a cop-out excuse to not go or should i just like be up front do Do you just want not, you just don't want to go to the wedding? No, I mean, I, I just am conflicted with one. I don't really think it's going to happen. I'm not. There's like, that's a good bet.

I'm not really convinced that it's going to happen. I don't want to spend a hundred plus dollars on a dress, like a bridesmaid dress. And then I'd have to drive up there, drive back, drive up there again. Like, I just don't really want to spend all that money on something that's not gonna last or not even really gonna happen. Like if I spend $150 on a dress, and then she breaks off the engagement again, you know, that's like money that I could have used for like bills and stuff, you know? So's like money that I could have used for like bills and stuff, you know? So I just don't, I don't know. So just keep it real simple. Like,

as far as being in the wedding, just tell her, you're like, listen, I, I'm, I love you. I'm here to support you, but I can't afford to be in your wedding. As far, you can go to the wedding if she actually goes through with it, you know, maybe she might uninvite you. I don't know, but there's try to like, don't make it a bigger deal than it is. Right. Like, yeah. Say you can't afford it. You don't have to get into this big conversation. And then if she still wants you to go to the wedding, go to the wedding. If she actually goes through with it also like you're right, she might not. So try not to stress about something that, you know, 50, 50, it's a coin toss that will happen. Yeah. You know, these are periods in your life and your young adult life that you're going to

go through. And I think, again, the biggest takeaway is you don't have to feel guilty about growing apart from someone that, that happens and that's okay. And you know, you don't have to feel like a bad person just because your priorities change and her priorities change too. And you can, your friendship will change and she might not be your best friend. She might be a good friend. You might reconnect with this friend four years down the road when she's done going through this period in her life. You never really, I mean, you really have your whole life in front of you. So again, this is a time to really prioritize your immediate needs and just be a good person

and be there for her, but you don't have to capitalize your needs over hers. Sometimes also weddings are the funeral of your friendship oh my gosh that's great and that's okay that's a true story i had a friend that i've been friends with for like a decade we've been through so much stuff together and um i went to her wedding and uh it was lovely and ever since the wedding our relationship for whatever reason has not been the same do you and think that's i mean what do you think about that i think it's just you know like people's lives change when they get married, you know, they get married, they have, they have their common friends, and they, you know, you start a new life. And sometimes you're included in that. And sometimes you're not, it's not like I've

pulled myself out of the friendship, but it's changed. It's definitely not like the same. So you can also be, I think sometimes like less information is better in these instances, especially if she has a history of already like not going through with the wedding. So you don't want to make a bigger issue out of something that hasn't happened yet. Yeah.

Because they could break up and you don't, she doesn't want to remember all the things you might have said to her. When's the wedding? Right. Does she have a date yet? Yes. It's in March. Okay.

You've got time. Yeah. So the first engagement happened in November. They broke up in June and she actually was like, I would personally call it cheating. I don't know if there's kind of like, you know. Yeah, she has her own. She's got a lot going on. She was seeing the other guy while she was with the other fiancé.

So, you know, a month and not even a month later, they are engaged. But it's in March. Things change. But yeah, I mean, you know, and you mentioned like the wedding and the death of a friendship. And again, that's not always a bad thing. Sometimes we forget sometimes why sometimes friendships, there's a mutual need or mutual connection. Maybe that mutual need is you're both single and you go out and you're each other's wingmen or wingwomen, you know?

And like someone finds someone and you're still friends. You still enjoy hanging out. But that, what are we doing Friday night? What are we doing Saturday? That's going to change. Well, I guess my job as her friend was to help her through all of her breakups. There you go. Now she's not broken up.

Does that make you feel used? No, it's just, it just is like a little bit of like, there's just like a big question mark. Because there was also a part of me where I was like, do I go to the wedding? Don't I go to the wedding?

Do I go to the wedding? Don't I go to the wedding? But it was like the right thing to do, to go. Yeah. But I felt like a shift around the wedding. It can be a bummer. And like, that's the thing.

It's like, you can, I think we all, whether it's like deliberately or not, can, you know, friendships, there is a need there, right? So the use part, like, I don't know your friend, but she probably didn't intend that, but that was just maybe the nature of the relationship. Yeah. Yeah.

And so like like it's a bummer but like yeah i guess that's kind of life a little bit you know like you know you you'll maybe it was a one-way friendship though and i didn't realize it did she ever do anything for you yeah i mean definitely in the scope of all of that time for sure she was a very good friend but recently not so much i'm starting to feel like that yeah yeah it's like you just like put out you know it's just like this like output of energy and then finally you're like hold on a sec how come you don't ever ask me how i am right or how come you don't ever reach out and say like hey how's work going how is your boyfriend slash or husband how are things going in la like it's very simple things you know there's like no interest in the actual like that's

like what a like nick will just reach it out to me out of the blue on the weekend and be like, do you want to go out for dinner tonight? And I'll be like, yeah, sure. You know, it's like, those are things that friends do. And then we catch up. But like, I'm also, you know, you might be dealing with that now. You might just be seeing like, oh, wait, I'm just a friend to her. Like she has these expectations of me yeah some you know you that's a great point you have these friendships and you realize oh they we only talk when they're like hey i need to talk you know yes things so listen i think the biggest takeaway is friendships come and go you know you don't have to make a huge deal about this you can be you don't you can be honest and

nice without giving out too much information you don't have to have some come to Jesus. And just let it play out, I think, is the biggest thing. My guess is the wedding's not happening. And who knows where this person will be in your life. This person could be a distant thought in five years, or you could be best friends again. Who knows? But just let life happen and focus on you right now and what's what you need so all

right yeah all right thank you thanks for calling me dwelling on it too much probably a little bit that's natural though yeah you've got skull earrings on who cares about anything else yes yes happy halloween moment honey enjoy that. Bye. We'll take care. Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye. Yeah, friendships are... I think we think of friendships so much like we think of them differently than romantic

friendships. And obviously they are different, but there's a lot of similarities between friendships and romantic relationships. And especially if it's like a guy or a girl, I've had a lot of women friends that we were best friends and it was platonic and there was no sexual chemistry. And then again, it was like, as soon as one of us meets someone,

it's going to change. Yeah. And it's, you know, it's just part of- You also kind of have to believe, like if you and i totally the reason why i don't have like a i mean there's sadness but there's not like a uh a massive resentment there but people come and go through our lives at different times for a reason yeah and so if you're willing to allow the nature of relationships to be able to welcome them in,

but also kind of like let them go when they're ready to move on. Like, it's okay. Like, I don't need to hang on to people for my entire life. It's like people come in and out at different times. And it also opens up the space for, you know, maybe a friendship that's not as deep as the one you're letting go. But then it has time to kind of nurture into, you know, you kind of go into these other phases. And you get in with other people who are invested in you as a person and you have similar things happening.

So if you're open to that, then, you know, you get to experience a lot of different relationships with people. I totally agree. And I think, again, you know, our caller,

she was younger and like, you know, your friends in your high school are like, you're ride or die. Yeah. You do everything together

so your friendships and the nature of them change and to that point. Your identity too and it's like, once that's gone, who am I? Yeah.

It's a really tough transition and then in your adult life, you have more of these kind of temporary, but sometimes very meaningful and important friendships that aren't romantic. And some of them last a long, and again, it all just depends. Some of them are short

and if the shorter ones tend to be more intense and they serve a specific need, and sometimes it's more two people are comfortable. Like we don't hang out or talk every day. i might go a month without having any communication with you but then it's very easy think about me every hour every day and then i'm just like hey i need a i need some bread in my life um so that that can happen all the time and i think that is that is totally okay interesting like you know bachelor world the the the friendships that come a lot of them you people will see everyone hanging out at first because they go through this very intense shared relationship

and then every you know over time the friendships evolve and change and then you're lucky kind of like high school to be friends with one or two people close friends i mean real friends yeah um two years later yeah and that's not that's normal yeah but that's like a moment in time though where you all kind of bond over this similar weird thing and then naturally you're just gonna pair with somebody who like that you have similar interests and you don't need someone to relate to that intense experience anymore like you did coming off right but it's still fun to have that like i still talk to taylor from the rachel zoe project because we like experienced that very strange thing happening together and you know it's still nice to have that

person to say like you know do you remember when x y and z happened or wasn't that the weirdest thing you know you kind of you need those people in these, this wonderful Holly weird world. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Emma. I'm 22. Hi, Emma. Hi.

How can we help you, Emma? So basically, I've been dating this guy. We've been dating for two years, but I've known him for 11 years, so a good portion of our lives we've known each other. And he won't ask me to move in with him. And I don't really know why, because we've talked about getting engaged in the next year, and that's been okay. And I've made it clear that I won't say yes unless we live together first um for a decent period of time so I'm not really sure why that's not happening and I have brought it up and every time I bring it up he gets really wishy-washy about moving in or not moving in or yeah I don't really know what to do okay it's funny because i do my

questions with nick if this was questions nick i'd give a very concise short answer yeah but let's let's dive into it a little bit more um you've been dating for two years you said i mean the fact that you've known him your whole life i don't want to say it doesn't matter it obviously matters to you it doesn't matter in the context of your particular problem you know in a sense of like well we've known each other since we were 11 why won't he move in with me yeah like well because that wasn't really relevant at 15 right um yeah um and are how how many nights are you guys spending together right now like four to six and i've told him to like if you need space i'm cool staying at my house and you

can have your time and he's always like no no no like don't do that i want you to be here and i'm like i'm not you don't get angry about it if he doesn't want me to stay i really don't care either way but well i mean listen at the end of the day, the short answer is he hasn't asked you because he doesn't want to move in with you right now. He's not ready to get engaged. So your is my guess based off of this. And that's OK. Based off of, you know, I will. I told him I don't want to get engaged until I move in with you.

And we talk about engagement doesn't mean he's ready to be engaged. You know, it's it's easy to have these conversations and it's fun to talk about engagement doesn't mean he's ready to be engaged. You know, it's easy to have these conversations and it's fun to talk about it. And I would, if I were you, I would think back about like, who's initiating these conversations, right? Is he kind of a willing participant to these conversations where he's being agreeable and saying, yeah, of course, let's get married someday, you know? And you're kind of the one who's maybe suggesting it slightly more often than him, you know? Yeah. That's part of what I'm not really following is moving in together is me, but the engagement stuff was him initially. We talk about it more now, so I bring it up sometimes,

but at first it was very much him. It's also possible that he definitely plans on getting engaged to you, but like maybe later in life uh you are how old is he he's 23 okay so you're both really young and so it's not um it's totally fine if you want to get engaged and married at this age but you will be doing it young um and it's also not abnormal to want to wait you know right and so he might just be feeling that also sometimes i mean young couples always talk about engagement and there's i mean for every every 22 year old couple that's been dating for a year talks about probably getting engaged how many of those actually go through with it is probably a far less.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but I'm just saying a lot of people early in young relationships invest a lot in the things that they talked about in the past. And the things that they talked about in the past play such a role in their decisions in the present and in the future. So I would try to focus less on,

oh, we talked about this, we talked about that. Like focus on the now. And the now is that it sounds like maybe he's not ready. So you probably, for your own sake and for the sake of the relationship, stop forcing the issue. You know, the stop asking him, well, do you want his space?

It sounds like he's fine having you around if you're not if you're not okay with playing house without actually living together then then you need to stop playing house then you should stop going over there four or five days a week then go if you have your own place be more independent that might change how his perspective what you don't want to do is kind of trick him into wanting to be, don't manipulate the situation because kind of like, well, you know, sometimes moving in together can be the death of a relationship too. Yeah. Moving too fast and being too premature about moving in, whether it's because you want to save money on rent or et cetera, et cetera, can definitely end a relationship.

Well, there's also a logical progression that he's kind of not seeing. It's like, also just for curiosity reasons, like you have to see how you guys live together before you commit to getting married to him. Because if you guys aren't compatible in the same space so i would just be super up front and like don't let him be wishy-washy just say like you know i know you want to get married and it's my intention to do the same but we have to live together before to see if we're like compatible living in the same space or like what that i need to see what that's like before we commit to doing that so what if he

agrees but he's just not ready yet that's fine at least you kind of get what you you know I think you need some sort of like time frame of like when if you're already over there all the time then it doesn't really matter like you're basically living together but not yeah but it's a yeah it can be a little different i mean i i mean this is not necessarily but you just don't want to force it i mean i remember uh just like in in my 20s i had a girlfriend we were dating for well first we were dating for a year and then then her lease was up and she wanted to move in. And my relationship beforehand, when we moved in, it was a different relationship, but we broke up pretty quickly. And I was just at that point, I was like, I don't want me personally didn't want to rush to move in with anyone. You know, I wasn't going to move in with someone because our leases were both up at the same time and we can save money.

I was I just was I was I was, I wanted to, I was open to living with them before we got engaged, but I, I wasn't in a rush to do that. And to me, that wasn't a, and I vocalized that, but she really wanted to, she had never lived with someone. It was a point of contention. I won that battle. I mean, it was, you know, I, I, I won the battle, but kind of lost the war and then you fast forward. So then she, you know, she was charmingly stubborn and persistent. So she was she was just like fine you don't want to move in with me you're still going to live with me and like she basically stayed there five six days a week i was doing her laundry i mean she was basically there so that a year came by and then she's like well

we're basically living together it makes us not to live together. And it just became such a focus on the relationship. And it was just, that became the priority. And just to me, it was like, I wasn't ready. And I wanted her to respect the fact that I didn't want to rush that aspect of it because I loved her very much. I very much saw a future with her. I could see potentially getting engaged to her.

And it really bothered me how much she just didn't respect the fact that i was i wanted to take it a little bit slower i didn't want to play house and i felt like we were and i felt like she was so focused on that and not about like the day the day the the day-to-day of our relationship of how we communicate. So I only just kind of stress that, you know, listen to what he's vocalizing. Just because he's like, I'm not necessarily ready to move in doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

It doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend the rest of your life with him. It can be a little messy about like, well, we're supposed to do this. It's a logical next step. And I'm not saying it's not. And I totally logical that before you get engaged, you do want to live with them.

That's reasonable. But it maybe logical that before you get engaged, you do want to live with them. That's reasonable, but it may be just not, might not be now. Uh, yeah. The, the only other thing that I'm kind of wondering is the last girl that he lived with,

they were in an abusive relationship. So I don't know if that's like playing into kind of his hesitation. Cause maybe towards the end, he like had a really really hard time physically leaving and in part because they live together so i don't know like if that's it kind of adding to it it could be i mean i wasn't in a an abusive relationship that i referred to before but i wasn't in a healthy relationship and i will say that gave me

pause the next relationship to not want to rush too quickly. It made me more confident saying, you know, because that, that other relationship, it was very much a relationship based off of how I thought we, we, how we thought we looked together. We talked, oh my God, early in that relationship, we talked so much about our future. It was like, all we did was talk about how we're going to do this and we're going to do that and blah, blah, blah. That was our relationship. It was talking about that stuff. And so my next relationship, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be in the present in the moment. I didn't want to like glorify the future because of how our kids would look or what our job would look like. It felt very immature. And so I wanted to take it

slower. So that very much could play a role. And I think it's totally normal that you want to spend more time with him. It's totally normal that you want to progress the relationship. But you do want to check in with him. If you feel loved by him, I don't think him not being ready to move in doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I mean, I don't know the relationship, but that doesn't define, but I don't know why I'm not getting a straight answer. Get the answer. Uh,

well, yeah, get the answer. But do you think you're, maybe he, what has he ever said? I just don't want to move it. What if the answer is,

I'm just not ready. If he said he wasn't ready, I'd be fine with that. Cause then I would know and i would leave it alone for a while but it's always like when i'm not there he's like oh i wish you were here really bad and that's like rare and so i'm like well if i was there then i would be there all the time so then we would be living together so i don't really understand but then if i ask up front why aren't we moving in or can we it's just just, oh, well, maybe at some point, like, I don't know, like, I really like having you here.

But and then it just kind of trails off. But if you just said I'm not ready right now, then I would leave it. But I just don't really understand. I think he can miss you and want to spend seven days a week with you and still not want to move in together. Because I do think there is a difference. I mean, there is, even if you spend every night together at his place and you have your own place, there is a mental difference of knowing that you don't have to spend there as opposed to like, this is now your place. There is a kind of a psychological difference.

That's true. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. I do think to Brad's point, set boundaries, right? Like you do like, you know, I don't think you have, you're not wrong for wanting to do that, but like you don't have to force the issue. And then if you spend less time with him and he misses you, just be like,

it's okay for us to miss each other, right? I also think it's totally okay in a relationship. It's not like you guys have been together for three weeks to sit down when you're like having dinner or something and be like, hey, you know, I just want to get on the same page as you. This isn't like an opportunity for me to, you know, try to pressure you into anything, but I just need to know for myself, if you are intending in the next, you know, if your intention is for us to move in together, whether it's soon or in the future, because I feel like right now I'm kind of in this like limbo phase where we're hanging out a lot together at

your house, which is great. But if I just kind of need to know for myself, if I'm planting firmer roots in my own place, or if there's the possibility of us doing that together. And it's like really like a yes or no answer. There shouldn't be like, you know, it's like, no, I'm not ready for that right now. But I love the way things are right now. And you'll be like, cool. Or yeah, you know, I was thinking maybe in the next few months, would move in together that's definitely an intention of mine just like not right this second yeah like I think I I think you just like lay it out and make it super clear that you need like not like hey are we going to move in together but just put it back on yourself in a in a way of like listen I either like I feel like I'm going in between two places. And I just want to

know what your intentions are, because I want to be able to align mine up with yours as well. I think that's great. I think it's important when you do that, though, as long as you are okay with either answer to make them feel like either answer is okay. You don't want to ask a question. And it seems like it's totally fine with you. That's what I'm saying. You seem open to it. You just want clarity. So if you just want clarity, I think to Brad's point, that's a great thing. But just make him feel like you're not pressuring him for a decision, a certain decision. You're just, you want clarity. So make sure he understands that's your objective is clarity and not necessary to move in right now. And then you might get a more honest answer.

Yeah. I think being really clear about what the question is too, like not really leaving that, like any gray room for gray area. It's like either it is or it isn't. So not like I was wondering if we're maybe at some point, but I don't want to just like, you know, wrap it up in the fact that you kind of need this information from him so that you can

adjust to what the expectation is, which I think is like, you know, something you deserve as well to know, because you don't necessarily want to have this like looming over your head of like, what is, where am I, where am I going? Like where, you know, and then you can just, yeah, that's kind of where I'm stuck is I just, I don't have a straight answer. So I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah. And in a relationship, that's not a fair position to put your partner in is like, if you guys had been dating for two months or three months, I'd be like, all right, if you guys had been dating for two months or three months, I'd be like, all right,

well, you know, you might be rushing it, but two years into it, I think you deserve a straight answer from him so that you can, you know, live your life and be in your relationship in the way that it's meant to be right now.

Totally. But also don't act like you're, it's not always all his call. I know that you would move in with him if you want to, but, you know, you could say, I'm spending tonight at my place. Even if he says, come over, you know, you have control here. And so like set those own boundaries, you know, like, again, it's not a threat, but you're not just waiting on him, even though it feels like that.

So just don't make it about the moving in, make it about clarity and be okay with either one, you know, make him feel like he can be honest with you and then be okay with that answer. If he says, well, I'm honestly, I'm just not ready right now. And I'd like to spend time with you. You can say great, but like, I think it's good that we have some of our independence and that's good because when we do eventually, whenever it is, then we'll really, there'll be time for us. So yeah, focus on clarity and less about the moving in. I think that'll probably be helpful. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Thank you. Thanks so much. Bye Emma. Thanks. Bye. How's it going?

Oh, sorry. Good. I'm Ellie. I'm 28 and I'm from Australia. Oh, wonderful. Hi Ellie. Worldwide. I'm 28 and I'm from Australia. Oh, wonderful. Hi, Ellie. Worldwide. How can we help you, Ellie? Okay. It's a big one and it's a weird one, but I'll try to keep it concise.

So I was crushing on a guy from my church for months and he was like super chill, witty and loved God. And I was like really keen to get to know him more. And then I heard that he had a mental breakdown and moved back home like an hour away. And I thought it was a good opportunity to initiate a hangout. And I had your voice in my head saying, you got to shoot your shot. So I asked him if he wanted to go to the beach and he said, yes, but then he bailed off in a minute and said he planned something soon. So he asked me on a date like a week later, which was awesome. And on the date, I ran into an old friend of mine and he was super drunk. He ended up talking to the date for a while and told the date that we were going to get married

and that I was the one. And so later at dinner, the date asked me if I wanted to marry him. So obviously I was taken aback and I said, I don't really know you well enough, but I like what I know so far. Anyway, the next day and the next few days, his messages started to get weird and just rude. Oh, I should mention. So his mental breakdown, I thought it might've been depression or something, but he said it was, he was showing signs of psychosis and they said they were worried about him developing schizophrenia, but that he was okay now and he was like getting treatment and stuff. Anyway, so the next few days, the messages were rude and then actually just started getting crazy, like really irrational.

And so I stopped replying. A few weeks later, he finally messaged and said sorry for what he said and asked if I'd want to go on a date again. And I was like, I think you should focus on getting better and we can be friends. And then he asked if I wanted to be in a relationship when he is better. And I wondered if you had any thoughts or insight on dating somebody with that kind of thing.

I mean, it's... Brad's face. Oh, no. That's like a lot of work for one date. I mean, very noble of you to... I don't want to say like, you know, everyone's got someone for them and I wish him all the best, but... Is there nobody else at your church is it just you two there switch gears

he was really cool but yeah uh i don't doubt he can be really cool but regardless of someone's uh ailment or whatever that might be uh it's not necessarily an excuse to treat the people around them poorly. And, you know, sometimes life's not fair. You're not his sister or his mom or dad in the sense that like that unconditional love, you barely even know the guy. know the guy. So kind of Brad's point in terms of like his response is this is might not be a battle worth fighting. I mean, are you really willing to jump into you don't like you said, you don't really know the guy. I mean, and what you do know is very questionable at this point. So I mean, I don't doubt he might be cool sometimes, but there's a lot of people who are cool sometimes and don't come with kind of a mental health history and more

importantly, signs of treating you poorly when he doesn't get his way, you know, and maybe less about the mental health and more about the fact that what that maybe does to him. And maybe it's not the mental health that causes them to do this. I mean, there's a lot of people who aren't showing signs of schizophrenia who are assholes to their partners. And so focus more on that. And maybe sometimes we have that fixer mentality

is that like, oh, well, he got weird and he said these mean things or he said these weird things. And like, but he has this thing. And that might, oh, well, he got weird and he said these mean things or he said these weird things and like, but, you know, he has this thing. And that might be true, but he did still say that and he still did do that. And I think, especially since you don't know the guy

very well, and especially it's early in a relationship, you really should focus on that and not necessarily as like, oh, poor him. But like, regardless, I don't want a guy who does that to me. And if you're starting from that point, it's not going to get much better. Maybe just be a friend right now. Yeah.

And like. Is that possible? Do the God thing and be a friend to your other friend and help him get deal with his mental health and see where it goes from there. But I don't know if I've missed, I don't think it's like, I don't think it's a nice thing to just dump somebody because they have, you know, a mental issue. But I think you can be a friend. And then I think you can see if it's something that you want to investigate further but i'm sure that he probably needs friends right now so do that and that's nice and i hope but like he did propose i'm just saying like he might not be okay with that and i don't want you to feel like you're

responsible so like if you can be a friend great but it might not be manageable for you and i don't want you to feel like you have to carry this burden because oh it's by the way i have this condition and now you know this whole like well it would be a mean thing to break up with someone with a you know like people have these thoughts and they can get stuck in situations because they don't want to feel like they're the asshole and i just you know if you can be a friend be a friend but you know it might not be possible for a guy who's already proposed and sending him with his expectation he might not see you that way and not want that so i would just tread lightfully be there if he's willing great be a friend but i think maybe it might be yeah just really try carefully and don't feel like you are

responsible for being in his life because you become aware of this condition he has you yeah you're not stuck in that i don't know i feel like some people feel like well i can't i can't leave this situation because they're not an asshole and you know it's tough i i'm assuming he's got hopefully family and friends that be there for him in a support system uh that's the thing his mom's not great she's apparently got some mental issues as well and she's kind of cut him off from all his friends so i have made it clear that i want to be friends and i't want to catch up this week as friends so I'm just yeah like you said I'm going to take it

tread very lightly I would tread tread very lightly be a friend if you can I just don't feel like you have to yeah okay I'm going to try to get him into some good guy friends that I know on the coast

yeah that's I think that's a good idea don't you think it's easy to get him into some good guy friends that I know on the coast. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. Don't you think it's easy to get wrapped up in the romance of almost a mentally unstable person of when he asked her to marry him. You're like, oh, my God. Maybe this is a thing. But it's because he's not completely. Well, that too. But even to that point, it doesn't even have to be something as like,

it sounds like this guy has a potential serious condition. Yes. You know, maybe someone's came from a troubled childhood or a bit of a drinking problem. Yeah. The problem is sometimes that does draw people into that relationship as the fixer. And then more importantly, it gives them a built-in excuse for sucking as a partner. Yeah. Right?

Because it's like, oh, well, they don't mean it. They just have this problem. Yeah. And that might be true. But early in a relationship, that's not an excuse for you to have to immediately say, well, I have to carry this burden because, well, they can't help it. And I don't think that's okay, especially early on. And sometimes we mistake

drama for romance yeah those feelings of like not knowing what's going on totally yeah this i feel like this is a very extreme situation for a lot of very relatable early dating situations where you find someone it's like there's that fine line between like the person who's looking for someone who's perfect or like well i know no one's perfect well just because you know no one's perfect doesn't mean you're you have to start dating someone with some serious baggage that's going to really monetize or cap you know like your whole i'm not monetized but uh yeah really capitalized monopolize thank you rachel monopolize your entire relationship so tread lightfully if you can be a friend, be a friend. But at the moment you feel like guilt

about being in the relationship, I think it's, you have to try to, you have to decide, because it's tough. I mean, it's an unfortunate, I wish him the best, but you don't want to fast forward three years of having this potentially toxic relationship that you feel guilt about being in. And you have the right to have,

be in any relationship, romantic or friendship, to get nourishment from it. So you still need to hold them accountable to nourish you in whatever way you need to be nourished. You know, as a friend, you can't be one-sided, you know. So hopefully he can do that. Tread lightly. All right?

Yeah. Thanks. Bye. All right. Well, best of luck. Enjoy Australia. Thanks for calling in. We really appreciate listening.

Thanks so much. I love you all. I love you all, too. Love you all. Love you, too. Love you. I can't talk. Enjoy Australia. Thanks for calling in. We really appreciate listening. Thanks so much. I love you all. I love you all too. I can't talk. Have a great day. See ya. You too. That's tough. Is it though?

No, but you even said you don't want to be a bad guy. No, I didn't say you don't want to be a bad guy. I said you might not want to just completely it's not fair because there's stigma attached to mental health right and it's not fair to just back away because you don't know what you're dealing with so i think it's like i don't think it's wise to jump into a relationship with somebody who's literally just starting to sort out what their mental, the situation with their mental health.

But I do think, especially somebody who, you know, she was very clear that it was important to her that somebody that she's in a relationship be a love God as well. And so I think if you are in church and looking for somebody who loves God, then you have, you should be a good Christian if that's what she is and like be there for your

people. Like I wouldn't want people to just like back away from me. I think that that happens. So I think we need to kind of like, I think it's also like something in this country too, where we don't address mental health. And I think that we just kind of like, I think it's also like something in this country too, where we don't address mental health. And I think that we just kind of like back away from it. And then people are just left by themselves trying to sort out what's going

on with them in their heads. Yeah, I totally agree. It's just, I think why I say it's a tough one, because I think it's hard to set boundaries too, especially with this is like, can she address it and be there for him as a friend

and is he okay with the you know like she let's say she wants to be a friend but she wants to establish boundaries and distance in the sense that i'm there for you and you can call me but we're just friends will he be okay with that you know and then when she will she feel guilty about having to give more because again this potentially it's brief but he proposed and maybe he maybe he has a huge crush on her but did he just like propose because he's not well i don't know i'm just saying but like his expectations it's a tough one in that sense because who proposes on a first date like you have to be like a little some people who still don't have like you know who knows guys have you done that no i haven't but i i know guys you won't even move in with anybody

um like i said it's a tough one because like yes like you want to be there for it and it's not like oh they have a mental health problem let's just dismiss them but kind of to rochelle's point, we sometimes get sucked into the drama of it all. And I can fix him. I can fix him. And then, you know, that's why I say you gotta be careful. Life's not a Nicholas Sparks novel. Yeah. And it's not black and white in that regard.

Thank God. Nicholas Sparks. Wow. Strong opinions. Well, Brad, thank you so much for coming in. I think you were great. I love having our special guests, our return guests for Q&A and offer some insight.

My pleasure. I'm so glad I'm not single. You're so wise. How are you so wise? It's such a landscape. Oy. So thank you. My pleasure, pleasure nick uh as always thanks for uh listening uh sending your questions to ask nick at uh ask nick did i did i say that right don't

forget to send your questions that ask nick at castmedia.com cast for the k give us your five stars if you want and just tread lightfully tread lightfully everyone is that a made-up word that i meant tread lightly? Do you have anything to plug? We're going to do that at the beginning. Why can't he plug at the end too? Oh, okay. Sure.

And also don't forget to tune into my podcast, Brad Behavior. Where can people find it, Brad? I don't know. Wherever podcasts are found. Yeah. On iTunes, Spotify. Probably wherever. Lady Gang Network. My Instagram.

Anywhere. Swipe up. Check out the episode with Brad and I. Yeah. Guest number two. Number two. First male guest. I got daddy on.

Thanks, Brad. guest number two number two first male guest i got daddy on thanks brett wait are you daddy i hope so i wouldn't peg you for a daddy who nick yeah nick's a little bit of a dad okay you see me differently than rochelle nick nick's like you know the cold weather this morning just made me like think about how much i would like to snuggle up to nick like a really cold crisp la morning and just like kind of make these noises like