The Viall Files - E611 Ask Nick - My Father-In-Law Berates Me

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss the Jonah Hill situation and the trend of people weaponizing “therapy-speak” for their own benefit. We also get into a written Ask Nick topic where our caller talks about struggling to have a healthy relationship with her boyfriend’s family, with her partner putting pressure on her instead of stepping up. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller is struggling to deal with her in-laws. After being with her now-husband for 9-years, she feels she knows his family incredibly well, and is frustrated that her father-in-law has been openly berating her. Our second caller’s boyfriend recently broke up with her over text, claiming he’s not ready for a real relationship. They said they’d check in throughout the summer and re-assess their relationship in a few months, and she’s wondering if she should wait around or move on. Our final caller’s long distance boyfriend recently told her he’s losing feelings for her. She still loves and respects him, but doesn’t feel as though she’s being made a priority and isn’t sure whether the relationship is salvageable after so much distance.  “All this energy you’re using thinking about him is energy you’re taking away from yourself.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Hello Fresh - Go to http://www.HelloFresh.com/viall50 and use code viall50 for 50% off plus free shipping. Drizly - Download the Drizly app or go to http://www.Drizly.com.  Helix - Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to www.HelixSleep.com/viall.  Babbel - Get up to 55% off your subscription by going to http://www.Babbel.com/viall.  Paramount - Paramount Plus. Stream Now.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell  

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of Allie. No, Amanda's still gone. What the fuck is Amanda these days? Do we know yet? Well, I thought she was on the Cape. A life quest is what I've been saying.

You've been keep saying life quest. I don't think it's a life quest. I think she's just visiting friends and family on the East Coast. But fear not. We have the one and only Genevieve with us. So Allie, Genevieve. There was something about Allie, Amanda, and Derek just rang off. You're really ruining it. I know. There were a lot of A's. Genevieve with us. So Allie, Genevieve. There was something about Allie, Amanda, and Derek just rang off.

You're really ruining it. I know. There were a lot of A's. Genevieve, Allie. Addison, too. Addison, yeah. Should I change my name? Is that possible?

Maybe. Would you do that for us? Sure. I'll look into it. Cool. All right, anyways. The team is here. We have an excellent episode lined up for y'all.

Also, we have a great week. We have Gina Kirshenheider from the Real Housewives of Orange County is with us. Excited to talk about Gina. We'll get a little inside scoop of some of the tea drama, all the things going on in the current season of Real Housewives of Orange County. Excited to talk with her. Also, we have our recap, breaking down charity season with a special guest yet to be named, but it's going to be exciting. Anyways, so we're with you there tomorrow. Also, you know, the batch recap is really just going to be more freestyle slash batch

recaps because we, you know, we just love talking about all the other things going on in the world. We don't want to limit ourselves to- Should we pitch Nick our idea? You have an idea? One of our ideas on the show? Sure, yeah. I've been gone for a while.

Well, we were thinking, because we cover so much now, Bachelor, Vanderpump, all things reality TV. Love Island, U.S. is starting soon. From a Bachelor recap to a reality recap. Okay. That was one of our ideas. Reality recap. He loves it okay yeah more all-encompassing title i like that and it's working title but yes i think we're on the same

you don't like the alliteration yeah reality recap yeah okay yeah reality recap great r&r that was so easy great all right so item number two on the list uh anything else i'll pull up my notes for a raise or something that's on the bottom um let's see before we uh get to our callers uh any so wait it's it's it's thursday the week the week before a lot still going on with the jonah hill of it all scandal forgetting about the jonah hill and the surfer uh his ex-girlfriend and I guess, for any of the people involved in all that stuff. I am very fascinated by this story in the sense that I think so much of our show is trying to take from what we see in pop culture in the real world and try to break it down, discuss it, and apply it to real life dating. Obviously, especially when it comes to this particular

show, Ask Nick, we get to hear people's stories and apply these concepts that we see on the internet and in life and on the show. And I think the biggest outcome of this Jonah Hill story was the weaponization of therapy speak. A lot of articles have been written about it. I find it almost comical that this story is what catapulted this conversation on the topic of weaponizing therapy speak. Because if you've listened to this show, you have known that I have been beating this drum since I can remember. Because while Jonah Hill seems to have been, whether intentionally or not, weaponizing therapy speak and misusing the term boundaries, it doesn't stop there. Anytime someone misuses the term gaslighting

or diagnosis someone over the internet as a narcissist or an abuser, again, there are terrible forms of real victims of abuse out there. There are actual narcissists, there are people being gaslit, there are people being love bombed. And yet now, because the internet and therapy has taken off in the best possible way, we are educating ourselves. And I think probably for most cases, well-intentioned. We want to learn and then we want to apply what we learned to the real world, but we also, we have to be careful We want to learn and then we want to apply what we learn to the real world, but we also, we have to be careful using these terms because it doesn't do anyone good watering down the meaning of these words.

When it comes to abuse, the biggest thing is a pattern, a consistent pattern and intent. The intent of, for example, someone could, let's say, try to attempt to set a boundary with the best of intentions, putting Jonah Hill aside, but let's say someone try to attempt to set a boundary with the best of intentions, putting Jonah Hill aside. But let's say someone's dating a club promoter. They fell in love. They went to One Oak one night and some club promoter, just cute, cute, cute guy. Just, oh, wow, what a charming guy. And he just comes across as the exception of the rule. But yeah, I'm a club promoter, but I want to get married someday. He's a well-intentioned fuck boy.

And then she falls in love with the club promoter. It's his literal job. It's his literal job to DM, slide in the DMs of hot, attractive women and take them out to dinner and party with them all night. That is the job of a club promoter. Their job. And yet imagine someone dating that club promoter that's feeling uncomfortable and has learned about boundary setting and expectations and says,

I don't want you to do that anymore. And yet, apples to apples, that'd be the same premise of, well, wait, if you knew they were a club promoter, you're asking them not to do their job. You have the right to be uncomfortable with it, but you don't necessarily have the right to tell someone to not do their job. And as we learned from the Jonah Hill story is that the problem with what Jonah Hill was doing, he wasn't setting a boundary. Boundaries you set for yourself, as we've talked about on the show over and over. And it's a little bit of semantics because had Jonah Hill, for example, not said, you can't hang out with them. These are my boundaries for you. You can't hang out with these people. You can't surf with guys. You can't wear bathing suits. That's more control. Those are rules he was trying to apply into his relationship. A version of

Jonah Hill setting a boundary in that scenario would have been saying, hey, listen, a boundary I've set for myself is I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable or put myself in situations where my anxiety is triggered or my insecurities are triggered. So that's just a rule I have for myself. And I'm realizing through some of the things that you're doing, I'm getting myself in situations that are triggering my anxiety. So I might need to step away. If he had said it like that. Because he needs to make it a him thing, not just put it directly on the car. It's his personal rule of saying, this is a boundary I set for myself that I have to hold myself accountable.

I might have to communicate to my partner, as opposed to saying, you can't do this, you can't do that. Again, Jonah Hill aside, there are plenty of versions that we've all been in relationships where we've misapplied a certain rule, liking models on Instagram. We hear that all the time. My boyfriend's liking this, or they're out with their friends all the time, you know, like, so the difference between a rule and a boundary, you know, again, a boundary would be, I don't want to be with someone who talks down to me. I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel bad for not being okay with them flirting with

the opposite sex. That's different than trying to set a rule for your partner. We all have rules. We have been abusing therapy talk and weaponizing therapy talk since therapy talk has really taken off. It's just as dangerous to accuse someone as being a narcissist. We now live in a world, if you're friends with someone or dating someone, and they are considering their needs before you or being selfish in a situation, they're a narcissist. They're a self-centered, egomaniac narcissist.

But when we do it, when we put our needs before ourselves, then we are just being the main characters in our own story. We are just empowering ourselves to finally put ourselves first. And I do think in general, we have a more narcissistic world. We have a main character epidemic. Everything on the internet is telling us why we need to expect more for ourselves and less from other people. And I think it's a balance. But I think this story is hopefully a helpful one that I do think we need to be, again, more careful about weaponizing therapy speak, about actually doing the work and looking at yourself before you look at others in terms of what can you improve in your relationships. It's just kind of interesting. But again, boundary setting is not making a rule for your other partner. It is not telling them what they can do. It is communicating rules that you have for yourself and then trying to articulate that to a partner. And it is semantic. It is a fine line between the two because in that version of Jonah Hill saying, hey, listen, in past relationships, I felt like, and I don't know, I'm role-playing here,

but he could have said, listen, in past relationships, I felt like my trust was taken for granted, that my trust was used against me. And that resulted in me being cheated on, or that resulted in trusting my partner only for them to put themselves in situations where it really triggered my insecurities. It really triggered my jealousy. So I just set a personal boundary that I just want to put myself in healthy situations. And I just want to communicate that to you. And I know this is your job, but how can we figure out if we, you know, assuming we want to be in this relationship, how can we figure out not to trigger my anxiety? And then it becomes a team effort rather than you're not allowed to do that.

You can't do that. I don't want to see your i don't want to see you doing this because it's such a great fulfilling life as a model you're gonna love it he sounded like an 18 year old who finally went to therapy and and was trying to apply these terms you know and probably feeling good about himself and i've learned all this stuff i've invested in therapy and i want to apply it you know does that make it you know i just think we need to be more careful when we throw out words like narcissist and abuser. For a guy who was accused of being a misogynistic, him and his girlfriend at the time were matching outfits to an Oscar party. It's not very misogynistic.

I mean, that sounds very... He slayed. Yeah. He kind of slayed. I hate to say it. Yeah, it was great. But that's like the opposite of being like, no, I won like my girlfriend you know i don't know anyway i just we need to be like i just think we need to take from these stories and and try to learn from them rather

than trying to assess who's the good person who's the who's the bad person in the story the more i look at the story specifically around his ex-girlfriend, you know, the other accusation about that party, pretty gross if it's true, really unfortunate, problematic. I don't know. There's nothing to learn from that. Don't do shit like that with people who are underage. Pretty, pretty yucky. But as far as the surfer girlfriend, it just sounds like a toxic relationship of two people who wanted to make it work, but clearly saw life in relationships. And they sound like they also had different value systems. That's the thing too, about like setting boundaries, you know, someone can, might come from a more conservative point of view, you know, where,

you know, hanging out with the opposite sex or wearing certain clothes is, you know, the Kiki Palmer story where her, her partner was criticizing what she was wearing it doesn't make it okay but we can have different value systems where hey we're on the same page when it comes to what's appropriate and what we wear how we incorporate sex into our dating lives and our conversations and so you know rather than demonize people. I think it is confusing though, because it's like, I think it's confusing because he didn't go into the relationship saying those things. Sure. I'm not agreeing with that. Like having his actions so vastly changed from heart eye emojis and liking these photos to then turn around once they're in a relationship and just hate them completely and say, take them down and make it her fault and blame her.

It seems hypocritical. It's such a quick like switch to flip. But we also, you also, as a single person, we act differently than we do in relationships. And I'm sure he realized that she would be perceived differently once she was romantically tied to him. You saw that Dylan O'Brien situation where he got a girlfriend and within 10 minutes, people dug up not so great tweets of hers from 10 years ago. Like he just could have phrased it in a different way where like, hey, we're under a lot of scrutiny. Exactly. I wouldn't mind. Yeah.

It's the language. Exactly. It could have been pitched completely differently. Oh, yeah. I mean, I couldn't imagine like, you know, Nally models on the side. She's a beautiful woman. Like she's very comfortable with her body. I love that she's comfortable with her body.

I have a different value system apparently than jonah hill like i i wasn't about to date her and then try to like change everything about her dim her light so to speak you know but we do you know i'm not jonah hill but we definitely had conversations around like optics you know and putting you know and not i was like i don't care what you do, but I just, I don't want you to be, these people are vicious. They look for things. They're mean, they're cruel, they're, they troll you. And so, yeah, it's, you're having conversations about, you know, being careful, always be, you know, when you, when you don't have a social media following, you kind of posting whatever, you know, other than like maybe your job finding out or something like that, people don't give much thought into it as opposed to people watching your ever move and dissecting

it, criticizing it. So yeah, I just think if we're a world, we're trying to find more human connections and we're trying to make dating more successful and we're trying to fall in love and have healthy relationships. I don't think we're doing ourselves any good by demonizing each other. Like this idea that, you know, I saw stuff or comments or tweets about like, oh, now men are only getting in therapy to use it against. It's just like people can be shitty. People can be manipulative. People can be condescending, abusive, narcissistic, you know. And I think we live in a world where we should try to find ways to unite

rather than divide. I mean, I know I'm preaching, we live in a divided world right now, but I think these stories can be helpful if we want to see them as helpful, more than just gossip and critiquing and taking sides and things like that. That's my two cents on the story, but fascinating nonetheless. Hopefully you can learn from it. Hopefully you all have learned as much as we talk about boundaries. It was a reminder for me. I mean, even in my book, I talk about how a boundary is something for you and not for your partner. But yet, when you read it, you're thinking, oh, well, maybe they were trying to do this or trying to do that. So, it's always a good reminder because we can learn things, try to apply them, and then realize, wait, I have to go back and readjust, you know, because we can kind of get too confident in ourselves. And then we can like

lose some of the details and the nuances of how things should be applied and things like that. So anywho, I know we have, do you have a written? I do. Before we get to our caller? We got an email that says, today I listened to the episode, I'm dating a bad kisser. And one of the other callers was talking about how they hate their brother's girlfriend, quote, she's stealing him from the family, et cetera, et cetera. I thought the advice was spot on. Love and support him, hype him up, et cetera. I know my boyfriend's family feels similarly about me to how this girl that called in feels. However, I'm not the enemy. I'd never ask or tell my boyfriend to not spend time or talk with his family.

That's an insane ask. What I do know is that he has had trauma with his family and he's come into his own in the past two years while we've been dating, taking time for himself, making more time to maintain friendships that he values, working hard at work to get what he wants. What his family views is that since he met me, he is, quote, distanced from the family, What his family views is that since he met me, he is, quote, distanced from the family, not driving two hours to his parents' home every weekend and not himself, a.k.a. bending to their every whim. My question would be, how do I, the bad guy, try to communicate to his sisters that it's not me,

it's him, he is growing up and he makes his own decisions? Because right now they think I tell him not to do things. And that is absolutely not the case. Interesting. When it comes to this family stuff, it's always it's his responsibility. So my first if she my first question to her is, is he communicating this to them? Is he saying to his family, to his sisters, to his parents, whoever it is that, you know, it's like, hey, I'm the reason, not her, you know, and families can believe what they want. They go, oh, you're, well, you know,

you're just saying that or, you know, whatever. To a certain point, she can't do anything about it. And depending on the level of toxicity of the family or how controlling they might be, to some point, she just shouldn't care. But if she truly is like, hey, trying to be supportive and there, and he's choosing to separate himself

from the family for whatever reason. Sometimes you just get older, you move away, you just call home less. Two hours away, that's far. But it's also possible too, if he has been single for a while and let's say he did have a bad relationship with his family or he knew that there was faults in it, but he was very lonely and he was like, well, I guess this is all I have to do is go home. Maybe he's found someone he really loves and cares about that's helped illuminate that to him and say, hey, I've noticed this pattern. When you spend time with them, you end up anxious.

You get down on yourself. You're very depressed. So, yeah, maybe that was always there. And she's just kind of helped him be able to stand on his own two feet. But now she's getting the blame. There's nothing she can say to them, the family, because no matter what she says, they'll either choose to believe it or not. What if she says, oh, what is she going to say? No, I'm not the one who's telling him not to do it.

He just doesn't want to see you. He hates you. Sorry, Mom. They're going to be like, oh, you're just, they're not going to believe that. They can just choose not to believe it. So the only conversation she needs to have is with her partner. And that partner is, hey, I've noticed it feels like, you know, hey, I don't really care. I mean, every girlfriend I ever had, to their credit, always did a good,

like, I've always been an independent person. I'm close with my family. I love my family, but like, I'm just kind of more independent. Most of the women I've dated did a good job of being like, hey, we should go visit your family or, you know, we should, you know, it was them almost encouraging to spend quality time with my family at times, not always, but they did a good job of making sure we would do that. So she can do that. She could say to her boyfriend, how about we go visit your family? And that's just, that's, that's, that's helping him get more face time with his family. She could take it a step further and say, it feels like your family is blaming me for our disconnect. I want to be close with your family as close as you want me to be.

And, you know, can you say something to them? Because if he has a conversation with his family, say, listen, like it's not her. It's me. And whatever reason he wants to say, you know, to be honest, like I get anxious when I get home or I just need my space from you guys. But it's not her i'm my own person i'd appreciate you not blaming her you know if we have shit to work on let's work on it but like i'm making my own decisions he could say that and that has a better chance of coming across than of her saying it and those are the only things two things she can do like all she has all she

can do is just encourage him to involve his family in his life to the point at which he feels comfortable. And if he says, well, listen, I just have certain boundaries when it comes to my family because of past instances where I just kind of keep my space. I'm sorry that they're blaming you, but ultimately I don't care. You know, because if I, you know, I have a large family. And my family is great. But if, let's say, I had a particular sibling that was mean to my partner and challenging my partner or cruel to my partner, A, I would probably say something. But at some point, I would just say to my partner, like Natalie, it's just like, I don't care. You don't need to care.

It's not going to change our relationship. I give a fuck what they act like. I can't control them. I can tell them to stop, but they're not going to. So I don't care. So she needs to get reassurance from him. Totally. And there's probably a fear there, too.

Like maybe one day he'll look up and believe his family and then I'll be on the outs. The only thing that's not adding up is why? Why isn't he stepping up? Is this is her partner someone who is more passive and more demure and he is used to being bullied by his family and even though she is not thinking she's bullying or anything, but maybe she's more of an alpha personality, more of a kind of a boss personality

and just their personality from a matching standpoint, maybe he is just kind of drawn to people who are more outspoken who are more kind of uh expressive and and and maybe she is doing that more than she realizes and i wonder too because she said uh that they're thinking he's not himself in parentheses aka bending to their every whim if he was so used to just bending to every whim it might feel like a huge shift for him to just not do that right now or to like just avoid them. That might feel like a big step,

let alone getting to the point of like being outspoken and telling them how he feels and defending his girlfriend. Like he might just need a little bit more time if he was so used to doing everything their way. And if he's now in this middle territory. Yeah. It's going to be an

even bigger transition to be like and now you must tell them all how you feel and stand up for me but maybe yeah maybe he's a more of a passive guy and without her realizing it 90 of what they do are her decision maybe she's the planner you know and he's just kind of along for the ride, you know, but there, he needs to take more ownership of this relationship with his family and her. And all she can do is talk to him about it, but he needs to do it. She can't make him do it, you know? And if she's noticing that's the case,

maybe he needs to step up more or maybe she needs to reevaluate her involvement. But the only thing I'm certain of is she shouldn't go to the family and try to explain to them why she's not the problem. Yeah, that might make it worse. That never goes over well. Anyway. All right. Well, we have a great show for you lined up.

Don't forget to send those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. On Thursday on Going Deeper, we have Gina Kirshenheiner from Real Housewives of Orange County and our recap in our reality recap, including a charities episode for a lot to get into this week. Excited to have you with us. Better date than never on Thursday, 9 p.m.

Eastern. Don't forget to check out vile files plus for all your additional updates specials. When are we dropping a Vanderpump? We will be recording our first one this week. So next week. And I believe it'll be, yeah, we'll figure out a drop date, but we'll be recording it this week. Thursday or Friday next week

where we're recapping episodes one through three of season one. Yeah. So get ready. It's here, everybody! For all your Vanderpump off season. Anyway, it'll be out next week, Yeah. So get ready. It's here, everybody. For all your... He's been hyping it up since the day he was born. Anyway, it'll be out next week,

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on Vile Files Plus. It's free to sign up. We have one this Friday. There are so many good ones available. So many stories that you have not been updated on. So check it out. And all right, let's get to our callers. How's it going? Hi, my name is Noelle and I'm 25. How can we help Noelle?

So I'm calling in because my father-in-law is berating me in front of our family members. Okay. Yeah. Bummer. It's really frustrating. I'm calling in because I don't know what to do. Okay. Well, I don't know if I'll be able to help, but we'll do our best.

Give us an example. Set up the scene. So every time that I go over to their house, the first thing he does when he sees me is says, oh, man, I just so wish that we saw you more. Boy, you're never here. And context for that is that my husband and I are the only ones of the 10 siblings that don't spend every waking second over there, even the married ones. Your husband has 10 siblings?

He has nine siblings. So he's one of the 10 that... Yeah. So everyone else, half of them are married, half aren't. And they all basically live over there with their spouses, practically. We're the only ones that don't. When you say practically, you don't mean literally. You mean... No, they don't live over there but they we all live in a similar area like close together and so they like eat over there all together you live in the same kind of city and county neighborhood yada yada correct and and yes and grandma and grandpa's place is like home base for everyone to come in and out of. Correct. Okay. Gotcha. So we're the ones that are not doing that, at least not on an everyday basis, you know,

for obvious reasons we'll get into. And so I, he says that to me so often that I thought I was going to have a really good comeback in that moment. So I went over there, I knew he was going to say it. Sure enough, he did. And I said, well, the road drives both ways. And I thought that was a great comeback. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the night because I like apparently set him off or something. Well, we

were at a community gathering just like like it was it had to have been two weeks later. And he comes and finds me for the first time since that conversation and says to me, in his joking like asterisk, oh, it's so funny sort of a way, in his joking like asterisk oh it's so funny sort of a way uh which isn't funny of basically that he um has been thinking about what i said and that boy it was just boy i'm just a really mouthy daughter-in-law and he were i reminded him of somebody who should have a spanking wait what record scratch he said to you you remind me of someone who needs a spanking that's verbatim and he thought it was funny and he not only said it to me he said it in front of my sister-in-law and like other people in our family and thought it was funny and they should

all laugh and they were all just like pretended like they didn't hear it and i just i was so dumbfounded that i just like excused myself how old is he and walked away 70 80 no he's 55 55 is your husband like one of the oldest yes all right so he said he needed a spanking okay that's weird yeah um yeah super uncomfortable and what did your husband? So my husband wasn't there in that moment. Okay. And so I, yeah, I, I told him about it afterwards and he was really upset about it. And he actually went to my father-in-law, the story gets better here. So he went to my father-in-law and approached him about it and said, you may not speak to my wife that way. That was super hurtful and very inappropriate. And with the way that you're communicating right now, we're heading to a situation where we aren't going to have a relationship. Is that what you

want? And left him to think about that. Okay, great. And yeah, so then my husband went off to work and we own our own heavy construction business, which is part of the backstory. And then my, my father-in-law proceeds to get into, I found this out after he proceeds to get in his car. He drives over to my house. We live about a mile and a half away. He comes and walks into my house and spends 30 seconds, like giving me a half ass apology, and then spends the next 15 minutes telling me why the relationship problems are mine and my husband's fault, and why we don't communicate and we're so selfish and we only think about ourselves. And we're not like for the better for bettering of the whole family. And we are too like off on our own. And

we just need to be a part of the group. And yeah, it was just, oh, it was so frustrating, because of the he's the one that caused I mean, in my like, from my perspective, like he's the one causing all the relational issues. And then he's, he gives me this half ass apology, and then pretends like my husband and I are the problem. And then he I know he speaks to all of my husband's siblings, like my husband and I are the problem and kind of talk down about us to them. And then tells us that, oh, he loves us. And he doesn't play favorites. And we're all the same. And that is just that is not true at all. And I don't know how to even communicate with him. He's just like pissing me off so much that I don't even want to be in the same room with him. And then I think, am I like overreacting to this? What was the backstory?

Why do you tell me what you think like the origin story of this is with the heavy construction business? Yeah. So my husband grew up on a big family farm and he, I'll always imagine that he would be farming. I think that's the way that his dad kind of always saw it happening. His dad's super controlling, grew up in a really controlling household. And when, when we got older, once we were married last summer, my husband had the opportunity to start this heavy construction business. It went absolutely bonkers, like blew up right away. And it was just fantastic. And things were already like, not healthy and kind of controlling. And there wasn't a lot of

direction. My husband was really happy to have something else to do. And since then, my father and I was like, continue to go off the deep end, as our business has got has gotten more successful, he's gotten worse and worse. And one of the things he said to me when he came over is he's like i'm not gonna take no for an answer like we have to work together and if um if you like your business is selfish and you only have your own business because you guys are selfish and you don't want to work with the family business to like help everyone be better what's the family business is farming okay he doesn't want to farm no well he doesn't want to farm with his dad he doesn't want to farm with him he's like they have totally different definitions of success my father-in-law's super controlling tries to tell him what to do all the

time my husband is obviously really skilled and has started this whole business from scratch that is super successful. And he doesn't, like you said, somewhere maybe in the future, he would be interested in farming, but not with his dad and not if he's going to act like this. So the relationship problem is, if there's a problem, it seems like between you and your husband and your father, and you're just kind of collateral damage. Sounds like. I think so. you and your husband and your father and you're just kind of collateral damage sounds like i think so i think my father-in-law blames me to a certain extent for my husband having the kahunas to leave yeah maybe you might be a convenient excuse yeah i don't i don't i don't know either the most important thing it sounds like your your husband has no problem standing up to your father-in-law

he doesn't i think i don't know my husband doesn't. I think, I don't know. My husband is so busy with his business. I don't know that he necessarily like wants to take the emotional time to deal with this as much as I would wish that he would. Why, why, what, what do you wish he would do? That is a really good question. I don't know. I, I just, it just hurts so much to have this going down the way that it is and i mean as like a midwestern family like we're really um like families are really close here you know and i my husband and i have been together for like you know which is gonna sound funny but i mean nine years i mean i was 16 when we got together. I feel like I know this family like so well.

And so to see it all like go to crap like this, because of what he's doing is so frustrating. What about mom-in-law or the other siblings? Yeah, so mom-in-law is mortified. I can tell not because she says it, but because her actions say that she's mortified. But honestly, I don't think that she, I think she's kind of been bulldozed their entire relationship. I don't think it's her practice

to stand up to him in any situation, which is really sad. And then I can tell that none of my husband's siblings and the rubber meets the road are on our team. Like they're all controlled and all work for or somehow are connected to my father inin-law. He's very controlling, very, and he uses, he runs a successful business and he uses his money to control his kids by giving them money or facilitating opportunities for them to make more money so that they continue to do what he wants them to do. And the fact that my husband and I built this business without his money and without his facilitation makes it even worse because he can't control it worse for him but better for you right 100 yeah it's just really painful to see like all everybody else that i thought we were really close like oh i'm sorry but like i'm gonna side with dad

what do you mean side with what like how so like they're like yeah they don't think he's doing anything wrong like they don't see that he's controlling or rude or they all just blow it off. Okay. But what do you mean by, I, so like they, they think he should storm into your house and, and blame you.

Oh, they wouldn't believe me if I told them that they would, they would say that I was in my feelings and I was taking that out of context. And that isn't what he intended to do. And if he made me feel that way, he would feel terrible about it. I think you need to focus on the battle and not the war, so to speak.

Yeah. I think, what do you mean by that? Well, as an isolated insulin incident, no one's going to, it doesn't seem like anyone's disagreeing that, uh,

saying it, you need a spanking was appropriate. You think that they wouldn't believe you if he did yada, yada, but I think, he told me when i wore leather pants one time that i looked like a stripper yeah i mean that tracks right i mean so like yeah we know who this guy is right he's an old school old-fashioned super conservative

you know he's literally created his own little universe and he's god you know in his mind right like this is this is the who this man is and that's like kind of know, in his mind, right? Like this is who this man is. And that's like, kind of like you said, he was probably raised that way. And now it's his turn. It's his family, you know, who this guy is, right? So you going around and trying to convince all his other kids that he's some sort of selfish prick

is probably a war you're you're not gonna win right but and that's that's the war the battle right is the isolated incident where he says and does some fucked up shit where anyone in their right not mind would be like yeah that's a boundary you probably shouldn't cross grandpa you know what i'm saying like you are going to run into roadblocks as it sounds like you already have by going around and be like, your dad's so fucking selfish. Can't you see it? Can't you see what he's doing to you? Can't you see yada, yada, yada? Like it's not that easy to start a, it's not that easy to start any business, let alone a successful business, let alone a business that blows up very successfully overnight. very successfully overnight. So there's so many other variables that you have to consider with your husband's siblings. I'm sure in their own way, they're happy for you, but they all probably would love the independence that your husband has carved out for himself, but they haven't done that. Now, there's a variety of reasons why they haven't done that. I don't know. Maybe they

don't have the fortitude, the intelligence, the guts, who knows, right? But they aren't in the position that your husband is. And so, yeah, they are a bit handcuffed to sit there and be like, you know, not only their dad, but their boss and their lifeline to sit there and like, take your side, what's in it for them, so to speak, right? So you're kind of getting, you're kind of getting you're kind of asking them something that is difficult for them to take your side on and i i think you should kind of take a page out of your husband's book like you know you're not going to change this guy you can still have a relationship with this guy you know you might not have the type of relationship you had fantasized for yourself you know when thinking about the type of closeness i want with my father-in-law and yada, yada, yada.

But this is who he is. I'm sure he has some charming characteristics. But just accepting who he is. Have your boundaries. Which is so irritating because those are the ones that surface level people see. And they're like, oh, your father-in-law is so nice. What a nice guy. I'm like, if you only knew.

You are hanging on to things that are just driving you crazy and it's not getting you anywhere. You have known your husband and his family since you were 16. You know what I'm saying? You didn't have to marry the guy. Yeah. So it's not appropriate that he said that to you. And it's not appropriate that he comes into your house.

So it is, as always, set the boundaries for yourself and you and your husband's relationship with your father-in-law that you deem appropriate. Stand your ground. Don't let him bully you. And don't let him make you feel like you're wrong. Just say like, listen, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. We love the company that we have. We love you. And you're not going to take no for an answer. It's just like, well, okay, well, good luck with that. We're not going to give you what you want. And eventually he's just going to... This guy is used to getting what he

wants. He's going to be persistent. He's going to be persistent. You just got to ignore him. You're not ignoring him. You are letting him get to you, right? Your husband's ignoring him. Your husband's like, you know what? Fuck it. This is my dad's. He's going to be my dad. I'm just going to ignore the motherfucker. I love him, but I just don't have time to put up with my dad's little temper tantrums. That's exactly what he's doing. So I'm just going to go about my way and you're sitting here and be like, you know what? No, I'm going to let it piss me off. I'm going to let it get to me. I'm going to let it fester inside me.

And I'm going to, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to try to go to all his kids and try to change their mind about who their father is. It's a, you're not going to get very far. You know, I think I will say I haven't really,

we haven't, I haven't gone around to like my husband's siblings and tried to like convince them on my perspective i haven't even told them what happened when he came to my house or what he said other than the ones that were that heard it i haven't even told them but i just i can see in their body language and in their eyes and the way that they interact that they are sensing that things are uncomfortable and they i know they're not like i can imagine that they're not going to side with me you know what i mean the good news is is that you guys are

glad we got out yeah like we're the ones that are on like our own and my husband and i are are slowly like working towards like we would like to move away um our our business is more regional like the in the area we do business so we don't have to live right here. But obviously, like everything's kind of happened really quickly. And so we're hoping in the next year to move so that things like him driving over aren't an option as easily for him and things like that. But obviously, like in the meantime, it just feels like very invasive. I know my husband said he cornered him last week, too, was like, basically just saying the same things over and over again of like, I just can't take no for an answer. And I don't, I mean, I just don't think your business is going to do well and you're going to be coming back basically. wrong. Right. So yeah, I appreciate why, how frustrating it could be. I really, I really do.

And I'm sorry, you're going through that. I think the best thing you can do is being a united front with your husband, talk about the boundaries, thank your husband for standing up for you and making sure that you guys are united front that that's what matters most that you and your husband are on the same page. You'd be in a real pickle if you were on an island and your husband wasn't seeing this as an issue and wasn't defending you and wasn't standing up to his dad and saying, hey, you can't speak to my wife that way. Certainly a lot of people out there have a hard time standing up to their parents. And thankfully your husband is not one of them. I mean, clearly his this is the origin story of all this is your husband saying, I don't I don't I want to be my own person.

I want to have my own thing. I want to, you know, my husband's a stud, but I'm crazy about him. He was a good choice. That's awesome. Yeah. So focus on the positive. Don't let like you're just you're just letting this guy just drive you nuts. So one of my other question then is,

I know that my father-in-law, my husband is really good at like ignoring it or not. I know that it is really hurtful to him, like in his heart, you know? And so to obviously not have your parents support is like really sucky. And so do you have any advice as far as like the best way to go about

like encouraging my husband or helping him work through the fact that like his dad is not only not supportive, but actively like against what we're doing? Your husband's still young. Your, your, your father-in-law is still relatively young. Just support him.

Tell him all the time how proud you are of him. Give him what he's missing from his dad. What he wants from his dad is the support. And he wants to hear from his father how proud he is of his son for like carving out his own path, right? But right now, dad's being self-centered and only thinking about what dad wants. And he's thinking about his dreams or what he imagined for himself and his business and his family and yada, yada, yada.

And so be for your husband, what his dad is not being for him. And that is telling him over and over just how proud you are of him, how much you believe in him, how like we're a team, we can do this. Like we're going to have our ups and downs, be his cheerleader, you know, do that more than anything. I think that's the important thing. And empathize with him when he needs, you with him when he needs empathy in terms of his relationship with his dad. But I'd be careful about using language about, you still have a relationship with dad. Dad still, as much as father-in-law, it might be fairly toxic and misguided, but he loves probably both of you.

He's just also self-centered and selfish. He's having a hard time seeing through this. But it's not because dad doesn't love your husband or you. He just wants it his own way. So don't tell yourself, I don't have a relationship with my father. Just, I don't have the relationship I want to have right now.

As always, I say, like, kill him with kindness. You know, I still love you. If you will still welcome us to the birthdays and the Easters and the Christmases and the holidays, we still love you. If you will still welcome us to the birthdays and the Easter's and the Christmas's and the holidays, we'll be there. And we'll put up probably with your bullshit and your sarcastic remarks and your, you know, comments under your breath and yada. You have to let that not bother you.

You have to focus on, we are doing what we want to do. We are living our dreams. We have the independence we've always desired. We have it all. We truly have it all. You know, the only thing that comes with is a kind of annoying father-in-law who, you know, constantly wants us to remind us that we're not doing what he thinks we should do. And, you know, you're not going to get his support right now. Give it five or 10 years. I know that seems like an eternity probably right now, but like, you just never know. And your husband can just say, you know, sorry, you feel that way, dad. I love you. I'm sorry. You feel that way, dad. I love you. Some version

of that. I wish I had your support, but either way, I love you. Don't fight fire with fire, so to speak. Just, you know, fight it with love. Not to sound cheesy, but just don't let the bully know that you're, he's getting to you. Just say, Hey, you know, I'm sorry., not to sound cheesy, but just don't let the bully know that you're, he's getting to you. Just say, Hey, you know, I'm sorry. Again, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I do love you. And, and if you, if you need my help, I'm here to help, but I have a business to run and maybe someday we can work together, but these are, this is my life and these are my dreams. And this is what I would do for my family. And, and, you know, you guys can move and mom and, you know, he'll throw a fit

about that too and whatever, and try to make you feel guilty and make, you know, feel shame and yada, yada. But that's just, that's just him projecting his fears and not getting what he wants. So you just have to, you have to see it for what it is. And then you have to not let it get to you. You have to not, because all you reacting is giving him what he wants. He wants a reaction. He wants me to feel off balance and uncomfortable all the time. He has the high ground then. Yeah. So just don't let him get to you. Just be like, okay, all right. Just see him as a petulant child that he kind of is. You don't answer to him. You don't need anything from him. You're not financially reliant on him. There is no reason for you to react to his behavior

other than the principle of it. Right. You have to get off that. You really do. I mean, you don't have to, but it- I should. I mean, you don't have to, but it, I should, it'll, I think will help your mental health. If you can, if you can kind of follow your husband's lead when it comes to that department, maybe he'll come around. So in the effort of like, you know, like my mental health and like boundaries, like one of the things I've thought about and thought about implementing, I'm just like curious, like when I go over there and my husband isn't there is when I really feel vulnerable because I feel like nobody's on my team in the sense of like if he says like, you know, don't go over things or whatever. And so that's my thing is I'm like, OK, well, then is it is a healthy boundary to be like, well, I don't go over there unless my husband is with me.

You know, like unless we're a unit where we're not over there, if he's there. me you know like unless we're a unit we're we're not over there if he's there um yeah i mean like the top or i i think if you can go there maybe a couple more times give it a shot we probably know what's going to happen right and you can just say please don't speak to me that way you've got to always keep your composure like i don't appreciate you talking that man if you're going to keep talking that way i'm just like you make me feel uncomfortable just use name it you're making me feel uncomfortable i want to be here but i don't want to feel uncomfortable. Just name it. You're making me feel uncomfortable. I want to be here, but I don't want to feel uncomfortable when I'm here. So like, if you can't stop making these comments, I guess I'm just not going to come.

And he claims he wants you around. He wants the family together. So give him a choice. Just like you kind of would a child, you know, it's just like, hey, if you don't clean your room, you're not going to get the cookie. Yeah. Yeah. Truly.

I just think you kind of imagine him being a little boy because that's what he is right now. He's just acting like a little boy. He's just kind of going to his like childlike state, throwing a temper tantrum and just see him for what he is and set that boundary. And then, yeah, if he doesn't comply, then you just say, well, I'm not I'm just going to unfortunately be here less. And then let him know that it makes you sad because overall, I love being around your family I love your family and I love you but I don't like the way you make me feel and I am sorry our choices are frustrating to you but they are our choices and you can either respect them or not but we're not going to feel disrespected even in your own house. Man, I need to write this down.

I wish, like, I think all these things that say, like, when it's not in the moment. It's hard. I know. I know. Because I'm sure he's a big intimidating bully, I'm sure. Yeah. But what you're saying is exactly right. Like, that is exactly how I should handle this.

I knew you would have something. I listen to every ethnic. I knew that you would have the right thing to say. I told my husband, I i'm gonna go on and i'm gonna ask nick because he's gonna know he's gonna have like an outside perspective my mom is super helpful but like she has feelings about it because someone's telling her daughter they need a spanking and she's like well what the heck you know and so she gets emotional and while i appreciate her like support and like effort to like, you know, show support to us at the same time, my dad too, but like, they're just emotionally invested in the situation. And it's hard to get like an unbiased perspective, I guess, especially reality is, and it doesn't make it any less weird, but like your father-in-law has known you since you were 16 and you are dating or you're married to his son.

And he, you know, I think parents, I've never been a father, so I don't know yet, but I can only assume parents just will always kind of see their children as children. And so not to defend the guy because he should know it's inappropriate, but I don't think he was trying to be like creepy. I just think he sees you as a child.

You know, I think he sees all his kids and subsequently their spouses as children. And he has created this world in which he's God. I mean, he lives on this farm, super old school, very traditional. You know what I'm saying? on this farm, super old school, very traditional. You know what I'm saying? So, you know, you're just kind of dealing with this kind of stubborn, traditional, old school, conservative guy. But listen, like at the end of the day, they're either going to respect your boundaries or not. And you have the right not to be made to feel disrespected, even in their house. We're running this business. I am so sorry that it's disappointing to you, but like, you know, be our cheerleader

and maybe in the future. But like right now, all you're doing is pushing us away. But that's really more of a conversation for your husband and his dad. It's not your job to fight your husband's battles. Try not to keep that angst. The only person I can control is me. Count your blessings because like you could be one of your husband's siblings who doesn't have enough financial independence, doesn't have this thriving business. I'm sure that isn't helping our relationships at all with them either.

You're right in the sense that compartmentalizing it, that there's a lot of factors going into probably why the relationships with his siblings, the adult ones especially, aren't as good as they were before we started this business. It's probably more than just his dad that's causing the problem. Almost certainly the family drama is just beginning. Oh joy. But it's, it's really up to you. Either you're going to make it into a war or you're just going to accept that father-in-law is this kind of,

he is who he is. You're not going to change him. Yeah. But I would just for you be thankful that you married a man who can stand up to their parents, because I think that's important for every adult. You know, there comes a time where, you know, as great as mom and dad might be, if mom and dad don't understand boundaries, you have to respectfully say mom and dad. No, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's like a rite of passage. So, all right. I need to be less petty. Yeah, I'll definitely keep you posted. You know, my husband told me that if he's working today, but he was like, he told me that he would,

he would have come on if I had made him do it. Like if I had told him it was really important to me, he's like, if it would be supportive to you, he's like, I would come on with you. And I was like, really? So maybe if we have a good update, I'll get him. Well on with me. Well, we'd love to chat with him. But most importantly, it sounds, again, you really have a good one. He wants to support you. But I really think this is a you problem because your husband seems to have a good grasp on it. And again,

he might have to have some conversations with his dad. And it sounds like they're in the middle of figuring out what their new relationship is going to be. Dad's struggling with this kind of identity. And, but it's from your, from what you're telling me, it sounds like your husband has a good grasp on it. He's not letting it dictate his feelings and, and you know,

I'm sure he has some things to work through, but you are letting it like eat at you and it's bothering you. And it's like, it's, it's, it's eating away and taking it. It's it's playing a role in other aspects of your life. And you are carrying that energy into conversations with your mom and your

friend and your, you know, and then you're showing up defensive. And that, those are things that I think you can work on because old, old dog, so to speak, you know, I don't, I don't know how many new tricks he's going to learn. Yeah. All right? Yeah, okay. Keep us posted.

Yeah, that's good advice. I will. Take care. Thank you so much. All right, bye-bye. Yeah, bye. Take a bite out of summer with HelloFresh. That's right.

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Anyways, Drizzly makes it so much easier. Drizzly is the go-to app for drink delivery. It's again, the number one most convenient way to buy beer, wine, and spirits with delivery to your doorstep when you want it. Download the Drizzly app or go to drizzly.com. That's D-R-I-Z-L-Y.com, drizzly.com. Again, download the Drizzly app or go to drizzly.com, D-R-I-Z-L-Y.com, drizzly.com. Again, download the Drizzly app or go to drizzly.com, D-R-I-Z-L-Y.com, drizzly.com. How's it going? Hi, Nick. I'm Gabby. I'm 31. How can we help, Gabby? My boyfriend broke up with me a second time, quoting again that he's not ready. Okay. So give us a little backstory about your

relationship. What do you mean he broke up with you a second time? So what was it, about four or five years ago, we were both on dating apps. We met via an app. We had a lot in common, good connection, same age-ish. And he was just a bit older than me. Live close to each other from the same community, same background, work in the same industry. We met, went on four dates. And then he texted me saying oh not ready for a relationship and don't want to miss you around I was disappointed at the time but you know absolutely fine it's only been four dates so basically for four years we were watching each other's instagram stories um reacting every now and then but had no no communication other than that and then I was on

holiday in the town basically that our families are both from yep he sent him to the DMs while I was on holiday and just said oh you know like great I have an amazing holiday um we were chatting while I was over there he said oh when you're back uh we should we should meet up so we did he was very much like trying to woo me at the beginning. I went on the second first date with him with a list of things that I wanted to just like get out and be like, right, so why am I here? What's going on?

Why do you want to know me all of a sudden after four years? And basically couldn't say it to his face on the first date because he was so nervous. We met up again and again. We eventually had the discussions and then he hits me up one day out of the blue with,

I know I said I'm ready, but I'm actually not. I need some time alone. After dating for 10 or 11 months? Yeah. We were official. We met each other's friends and family. For the 10 or 11 months that you were was official we've met each other's friends families and how for the 10 or 11

months that you were boyfriend and girlfriend like how how was it like were you happy yeah it was great it was great like the only the only thing is his communication over when we weren't together wasn't amazing what do you mean as in he's not great with his phone okay but i i don't think that was a specific issue with me i think that was that's just him with his phone because when i met his friends they they all said either three of them straight away said oh how do you cope with him in his phone and this last most recent you know how did he communicate that he text you again? Yeah, texts. So he said that he had COVID, so I couldn't see him. And then text me that while he supposedly had COVID.

You don't believe him? No. Well, first of all, like it's one thing to go on a date, a handful of dates with someone and text them, hey, listen, I don't want to waste your time. I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship.

That seems appropriate and fair and reasonable given the context of that relationship. It's quite another to date someone for months, build rapport, meet each other's families, become a part of each other's lives, and break up with them or text. That's just a dick move on his part. It's inconsiderate. It leaves you clearly probably having a lot of questions. It leaves you confused. It's a very selfish way of communicating. So any claim on his part of doing this for you or thinking about you, you can throw it in his face that he clearly has not. Because if he cared about your feelings, he would give you the courtesy of sitting down with you and having a conversation

and talk through this. A few days later, we did actually sit down and have a discussion. Oh, you did. Okay. And how did that get initiated? I basically messaged him and said, after this amount of time, would you be able to actually sit down and hash this out? All right. Good for you. And I was very surprised. Why were you so surprised? I don't know. I guess he's just, I mean, And I was very surprised. Why were you so surprised? I don't know.

I guess he's just, I mean, 32, but he acts like he's a child. Okay, so he acts like he's a child. So him being childish in his communication is a thing of his? I think so, yeah. I just think he's not used to thinking about anyone else but himself. He's a guy who lives alone. He has done for a long time. He's never had to put anyone else's needs equal to or before his own.

Okay, well, that matters. That's not a you problem. That's a him problem. Yeah, I agree. And he also said that he needed time alone to kind of work on himself and that he needed to fix the last piece of the puzzle that was in his head.

What does that mean? Exactly, what does that mean? Did you ask was in his head. What does that mean? Exactly. What does that mean? Did you ask him that? Yeah. What did he say? His response was just, I'm not ready. What is he asking of you though?

Is he asking you to wait around? Is he asking you not to wait around? When we left it, I said, so what is this? Is it, what are we doing? Is this a breakup? What's, what's happening? is this? What are we doing? Is this a breakup? What's happening?

And he said that he wants to spend some time apart and catch up every two to three weeks, then after the summer, reassess where we're at. Did you agree to this? Stupidly, yeah. And I really wish I didn't. Well, you can always change your mind.

Yeah. Next time you have your little check-in we see we haven't we haven't had a check-in whatsoever okay nothing it's gone back to just watching each other's instagram stories um stop watching his instagram stories yeah block him i know i probably should but basically out of all the guys that i have dated in the past he's the only one that i haven't been able to block and delete yeah but there's not some special like magic potion that he has. And it's not destiny and fate. It is just you deciding to fuck with yourself and create some sort of narrative in your head of why you are interested.

You know, he's just dangling a carrot. He's kind of like telling you, well, he never really says I don't like you or I don't want to do, I'm not ready. So he gives you something to chase and he gives you something to, to wonder. And, and, you know, I'm sure at some point your ego is triggered and wondering why you're not good enough for him to be ready and yada, yada, yada. And so these are all why you can't get over it. You know what I'm saying? It's not some sort of magic thing he has over you. It's not, and it's not the love or the bond that you two have. And I'm sure that's a nice little relationship, but by your own words, you've told me that this type of behavior is A, not surprising, and B, you've described him as immature, selfish,

and incapable of counting on him to think of others before himself on any type of regular basis. You've described him as someone you can't count on so immature selfish and unreliable are characteristics of this guy that yeah when you say it like that no you you said it like you said it like that i'm just repeating back your words yeah he's genuinely a lovely lovely guy and like i have no doubt good time together no i'm sure he is i'm have a good time together. No, I'm sure he is. I'm sure he's a tall, fun hang. Yeah. I'm sure he's lovely.

I'm sure he's fun. I'm sure he has a list of great characteristics. Nevertheless, you have described him as self-centered, immature, and unreliable. And when it comes to a 31-year-old wanting to have a committed relationship, I'm assuming maturity, selflessness, and reliability are characteristics you would want in a partner. So me being me and overthinking everything, I'm trying to think of what's going on in his head. Yeah, I don't know.

That's not your job. It's not your problem. And he's not even thinking about what's going on in his head because he's not like, hey, babe, I need to work on myself. By the way, I scheduled some time with a therapist. What is he doing to work on himself? Probably nothing. See, that's the thing.

He's very proud and he won't. I think he'll just try and work it out himself. What does that even mean? Right now, he has cold feet. He's a couple years older than you, right? So he's in his mid to early thirties and he's just wondering, is this it? Is this it for me? Or is there something better? That's what he's thinking. I mean, quite honestly, whether he wants to even admit to that to himself. And I'm sure if you said to him, Hey, you're just like, you're keeping me on hold so you can see if you can find something better. He would be offended by that. I'm sure

he'd be like, Oh God, that is not it. How could you say that to me? But like, whatever, that's what he's doing. I think you need to block him on Instagram, at least on Instagram. Because like this whole looking at each other's story routine that you guys have is, it's silly and it's immature, but it also like keeps you guys close enough.

And it keeps him, it allows him to keep tabs on you and vice versa, but it also like keeps you guys close enough and it keeps him, it allows him to keep tabs on you and vice versa, but it keeps you emotionally invested. You need to like disengage and he needs to feel like you're not there. Right now, he just feels he's very confident in you waiting around. He is just not worried. Yeah, which I'm not doing. I'm not waiting around. He feels like he has control and he has the power in this relationship he feels like he's calling the shots and this can change quickly at any

moment you might react in a certain way maybe it's blocking on Instagram or maybe you start going or just like you know fucking energy in the world like he you know I kind of believe in that shit, you know? And so like, maybe you just start moving on. He'll fucking feel it. He'll feel when he has

less power. And that, again, that could flip in a day where all of a sudden you get the thought of like, I don't, you start seeing him for how he's acting and you start seeing him as this immature, self-centered and unreliable person, it kind of gives you the ick. And at the moment he feels that like feeling of ick that you have for him, he'll feel that on some level and it'll get to him. Because right now he feels like he has all the power. And he feels like no matter what he does, even if he pisses you off,

eventually you're going to come around. That he's calling the shots. And this might be just a subconscious feeling that he has. I don't think he's out there saying, I don't think he's telling his buddies, she'll just wait around for me. He might even be saying to his friends, oh, she doesn't deserve this. I don't want, you know, she's the greatest. He's probably saying all the right things, but inside inside he's not afraid to lose you yeah he's just not that could easily change that is entirely up to you and how you handle it and so you got to change your behavior for him to chase his yeah and one last thing um and then i think we've got

like the whole the whole story out there so basically i've i a cum pool. And he knows that. And then he got to the point where, you know, we were going to. And he was having issues. So you haven't had sex yet? No. Okay. You were going to have sex. He couldn't hold an erection. And he knew that this would be your first time having sex is another component.

And it was kind of making me wish that I never had sex. About my sex. Yeah, it might be something that's making me wish that I never had a virgin. Yeah, it might be something that's messing with him. So you're a virgin? Yeah. Okay. Not for any particular reason. Sure. Yeah, whatever. What conversations have you guys had around your virginity? That it is that I am.

And that is not for any particular reason. I don't want him to feel any pressure but I think he took on some pressure. Okay. Sounds like you handled it the right way.

Yeah, I wanted to be our partner. But more importantly, it's just like you didn't make it some sort of big like right of passage. No,

no, no, not at all. I said to him, don't treat me any differently. And in terms of outside of sex,

but you've had a intimate relationship? Yeah relationship yeah yeah like literally everything else apart from the actual one yeah if your virginity is part is playing a role in this again that speaks to his immaturity you didn't make it some big thing you didn't say thing that would psych him out you're like hey listen i just it hasn't happened yet i want to have sex with you it's listen, I just, it hasn't happened yet. I want to have sex with you. It's not even like I want you to be the first. I just want to have sex with you. And does that mean that we have to get married?

No, it just means like, I want to have sex with you. You know, you're literally, you're not doing anything that would cause him to make it more of a bigger deal than it needs to be. And if he is making it a bigger deal than it needs to be, that's a him problem. And, you know, that's his journey. You need to do yourself a favor and stop trying to figure him out. Yeah, that's kind of put me off

telling anyone else that in the future, though. Just because, I don't know, I think... Okay, well, sure. Especially with being the age that I am. So let's... Do you need to tell someone? I feel like there's mixed opinions on this but i feel like it's not like any of their business i i've i've heard the

arguments as well i feel like i should tell them because at first it could be difficult and things like that but like you could have been someone who's abstained from sex for a handful of years had already you know maybe you had sex with a boyfriend ever. And if you abstain from sex for a period of time, the first time you have sex in a while, it might be something like challenges. You might need a little of a warmup period. You know, you get what I'm getting at. If you don't want to tell someone at this point, I don't think you need to. I don't think you owe it to anyone is all i'm saying and you can tell them after the fact if you want to it's your sex life it's your story you know because you're right there's no real reason and

you feel like you have to explain yourself you have to yada yada this or you know you are a sexually active woman you are messing around with your partner. You're doing stuff. It's not like you don't know your way around the kitchen, so to speak. You just haven't had sex yet. Whatever. Who cares? But unfortunately, some men might make it a thing and get in their own head and freak out and be immature about it. So yeah, if nothing else, maybe in the future, you don't tell him. Fine. This is more about his immaturity and his selfishness

and his lack of reliability and communication. He tried to break up with you over text after dating you for 11 months. You had to ask for the courtesy of a face-to-face conversation. And that should make you mad and frustrated and upset. But right now, you're not getting frustrated or upset. You are too busy empathizing with him

and trying to wonder what's wrong with him and figure him out and understand him. And that's stopping you from getting angry. And I think maybe you need to get a little angry at him. So, actually, before this call, I was considering reaching out and just checking in to see what's going on. I think you should block him. Right on.

Block him on Instagram, at least. He needs to stop. He needs to see something. Why can't he see your stories? That'll maybe get him to reach out. Maybe it won't. I don't know. But, you know, it's a little gamey, I guess.

But, like, it's just the fact that you say oh like this has become a thing your form of communication is to watch other stories and that in itself isn't enough to keep some allow someone to keep tabs on you make them feel like they have access to you so take that access away from him and see if it like alters how he communicates with you and for someone who's uh incredibly bad at using his phone to communicate, he is always the first person to watch the stories. Yeah. It's just that he doesn't want to.

And so if he reaches out to you and you say, oh, did you block me? And you just don't get defensive and be like, I'm just kind of tired of, of us only communicating through watching our stories. And quite frankly, I just don't,

I'm, I'm moving on. You just say that I'm moving on. You just say that, I'm moving on. And if he says, oh, I thought we were keeping tabs, forget about the whole, well, you haven't reached out shit. Just, you need to change your tune. You need to sound like someone that without his permission or without checking in with him, that you decided for yourself what was best for you.

And what is best for you is you don't take breaks. You're either in a relationship or you're not. You're either going to have a partner who wants to work through things and work through their issues and work through their insecurities and their fears and their challenges as a couple by saying, hey, babe, I'm struggling right now. Can I communicate something with you? I'm feeling a little disconnected. I'm feeling a little worried. I'm feeling a little scared. I'm feeling a little anxious or whatever it is. He could have done all that. He chose not to. That's fine. And you're just going to say, hey, listen, I want to be with someone who wants to work through their individual challenges and

the challenges as a couple together. And I want to work with someone who, if they feel like I want to be with someone, if they feel like they have to work on themselves, they actually do something about it. Who's open to things like therapy, and if you want to be single, go be single, but I am no longer just here to wait for you to figure your shit out. Quite frankly, it's been five years almost. If you want to be in a relationship with me, then that's a different conversation, but I'm not doing this in-between checking in thing. I'm not putting myself on hold for anyone. And then what do I do when he

inevitably does reach back out? Because he will. Yeah. But then you have to ask yourself, do you really believe in this guy? And I wouldn't do it without any upfront expectations or boundaries. What has changed? What assurances does he give you that make you think that he's not going to do this again 11 months from now, 15 months from now, three months from now? Is he willing to get couples therapy? Is he willing to get individual therapy? This is the second time in three years you have just randomly broke up with me because you were scared. Well, what are you going to do about it? I need to be with someone that when they feel these feelings that you're feeling now, doesn't just jump ship.

And I have no reason to think that you're not going to do that. So unless you do something that makes me think that this is going to change in the future, I can't trust being with you. So that's up to you. Do you have the guts to say that to him? Do you have the guts to enforce that boundary? Because it would be a huge risk for you to take him back with no evidence that anything has changed other than he's just like got something out of his system i know it would be incredibly difficult to trust him again yeah so if he's like hey you know what i'm i'm really sorry i treated you this way you didn't deserve this i'm really reflecting i've read some books i'm starting therapy i'm really sorry I treated you this way. You didn't deserve this. I'm really reflecting. I've read some books.

I'm starting therapy. I'm really committed to growing up and this is the work I'm willing to do and this is what I want to do with you. Then maybe that's something you're open to having a conversation with about him. But unless he actually shows you what he's doing to change,

then I wouldn't trust it. Yeah, I think I'm being a bit of a mug with him, to be honest. It's just on paper, it just seems perfect. You know, it's that thing where we just complement each other so well. On paper, he does not seem perfect. On paper, he seems selfish, unreliable, and immature. Initially.

Initially. And then, you know, you get to know them. No, no, no, no. And then the selfish, unreliable, immature comes out. He is great when things are going great, when he's getting his way, when he is happy. But that's not life. Life has its ups and downs. Life has its stresses.

Life has its moments of complacency and boredom and frustration, even at our partners. And we have to work through it. We don't get to just jump ship or take breaks or take timeouts. And that's who he is. That is part of who he is. He might be all those other great things too. But when you say on paper, you need to list those things out too. We say, oh, they're so great on paper, and you just conveniently only list out the things you like about them and just disregard the things that you don't like about them. That's not on paper. On paper is all of it.

And on paper, he's okay. That's what he is on paper. He's fine. He is someone who's been fun to date for 10 months, but you can't count on. That's who he is on paper. Someone at any moment might just text you and say, I need a break. That's who he is on paper. Yeah, you're right.

All right. So let's go ahead and block him on Instagram. I'm going to block him. Everyone has told me to block him. Especially on Instagram. And stop, when you have this thought of wondering why about him, you got to stop. You got to change your thought process. All this energy that you are using, thinking about him as energy you're taking away from yourself and whatever it is you're investing in, your thoughts of trying to understand him have no impact on him whatsoever. It doesn't help the two of you. It doesn't help him and it doesn't help you. This is something to do. Yeah. You should not be occupying my

headspace right now. Yeah. But Listen, all easier said than done. I've been there. I'm a professional ruminator. So as someone who can think about anything obsessively, I promise you, you can control your thoughts and you can change them. You just have to hold yourself accountable. I'll do that. Thank you.

All right. Keep us posted. I will do. I will do. I'll update you after the summer. All right. Sounds good. All right. Good luck. All right. All right. Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye. I will do I will do I'll update you after the summer alright sounds good alright good luck thanks

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and Queen of the Universe, and the wildest drama like Are You the One? Plus hundreds of previous seasons all streaming at your fingertips. See? Reality ain't so bad. Embrace reality. Paramount Plus, stream now. How's it going? Hi, I'm Danielle. I'm 25 and my long distance boyfriend says he's losing his feelings for me. Okay, that sucks. I'm sorry. How long you been together?

It's going to be one year at the end of June. So in a few weeks, it'll be a year. Happy anniversary. So when did he say this? And how did he say it? Was this like a soft breakup kind of thing? No, because he said it's normal. He said that he's been away for a long time. This was about two weeks ago. We were on a phone call and I told him I was struggling with long distance.

And he said he was struggling too. But his family dog had probably lost some feelings for him as well. told him I was struggling with long distance. And he said he was struggling too, but you know, his family dog had probably lost some feelings for him as well. And that that's normal because he's been away for so long. Um, he said it had nothing to do with me that he still loves me, but it's just normal to lose feelings. Okay. So he's just being very literal. He's a very literal, logical person. I'm definitely like the dreamer and the hopeless romantic in the situation. Yeah. He's just more like, well, I haven't seen you. So I guess.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I am his first girlfriend. How old are you again? 25. How old is he? 26. Okay. And what's he do? Why is he long distance? He is actually a sponsored snowboarder. So when all the snow melts in the Midwest, he heads to Oregon and Washington to continue snowboarding and getting videos and clips in

the summer. What do you want help with? Like what's your goal? Like what you should do about this or? Yeah, I guess I don't know if that's a, should be a deal breaker. And it's logical for me to say a boyfriend should not lose feelings for somebody, especially when I've given feet, like what he said, like the feelings department, like, yeah, I mean, logically he makes sense, right? You know, he's been gone. He hasn't seen you. He's out there making content and snowboarding your way. You're literally living two separate lives. And so basically he's saying, I feel less connected to you, you know?

Yeah. And I guess where I'm struggling is I can, I can tell that he's saying I feel less connected to you you know yeah and I guess where I'm struggling is I can I can tell that he's losing feelings just because he isn't being as communicative and our conversations kind of suck now so you know I understand that he's losing feelings I kind of get it our dynamic has shifted but I think that lack of communication is where I'm stuck. Well, yeah. So I guess what I'm saying is it just kind of comes down to this is the relationship that I guess, well, both of you on some sense have kind of carved out for yourself and certainly, you know, he has. And then big question is like, are you okay with it? You know, like I think people often make this mistake, right? Someone

in the relationship sets an expectation or enforces a boundary, whatever that is, right? The expectation is, hey, your boyfriend in this case is, by the way, I'm a sponsor snowboarder. I travel. I don't know if he invited you to come on his journey or whatever, or you just got, or it just wasn't an option. You knew about it, but he set this expectation. You agreed to it. And then maybe there's a boundary in there. It's like, hey, babe, I can't be bothered all day long with text messaging i i have too much shit to do i don't know the point is is that you have a choice to refuse the expectation or the boundary you can just be like well that doesn't work for me and in a relationship often when someone communicates an expectation or enforces a boundary, if the kind of the power dynamic is a little off where he might feel more confident in the relationship or whatever,

and I know that can change drastically as we often talk about, but someone in your shoes might be reluctant to ruffle any feathers or say, hey, that doesn't work for me because, well, it's like, I don't want to lose them. So you are forced with accepting less than you would otherwise would. And so you're just going to have to decide for yourself, does this relationship and its current form, does it serve you? That's what makes it hard because I have visited him out in Oregon and I have tried my best to be supportive of his dreams. And so the fact that he's losing feelings for me,

it's like, there's nothing else I can do for you. I'm just being me and supporting you the best I can. So if you're losing feelings, that doesn't seem like a me problem. Correct. And he's not willing. He's not telling me he's doing anything about it,

you know, and he's only 26 and clearly in a very kind of selfish stage of his life and, and no judgment, honestly, like he's going to be a sponsored snowboarder. Now's the time to do it. and clearly in a very kind of selfish stage of his life and no judgment, honestly. Like, he's going to be a sponsored snowboarder. Now's the time to do it. You know, he might be living out a personal dream of his and it just might not be in the cards. A selfish thing might be for him to try to maintain a relationship he doesn't have time for.

Yeah, that's what it feels like. It definitely feels like he's saying, this is my life and you can fit or you can for. Yeah. That's what it feels like. It definitely feels like he's saying, this is my life and you can fit or you can leave. Correct. Yeah. And I wish he was a little bit more flexible than that. Yeah. And he does the thing that's kind of confusing and frustrating where he doesn't say it like that because that would come across as fairly harsh and you might even call him an asshole for being as direct as that. But that is what is going on. And he does his things. Look, well, I still love you. And you're like thinking, oh, well, he loves me. How can I break up with a guy who says he loves me? Everything he's saying is making sense. And he's putting the onus on you. But it might feel unfair, but he is currently happy with this setup. Yes, you're correct. Here's the thing,

though, Nick, is that he came home a few days ago. So, you know, I brought up, Hey, you're losing. You said you were losing feelings for me. We haven't talked about that. And he said, I stand by what I said. Did they come back after seeing you? I didn't want to rock the boat because he had just came back and I wanted to celebrate that, but,, but it really hurt hearing that. And so I just brushed over it because I didn't want to make a scene or start

a fight his first day back together. But now he's back for the summer, so I don't know how to handle it. I think you need to stop being afraid to lose him. You're right. But that's hard when you love someone. Well, what do you love about them? Oh, I've never been asked that question before. You probably haven't thought of it either. No, probably not. Let me grab a journal. Let me grab a journal from the past year and I'll tell you.

But seriously, that might be something you want to think about. If you've listened to the show, you've heard me ask other people, what do you love about how they make you feel? But seriously, that might be something you want to think about. If you've listened to the show, you've heard me ask other people, what do you love about how they make you feel? And it sounds like he makes you feel frustrated and confused, unloved, unappreciated. Yeah. And you bring up a good point because during our phone conversation when he was in Oregon, he said, you know what, Danielle, I feel upset because I am putting in effort for you.

When I'm not snowboarding, I'm thinking about you. I am texting you. I try to call you every night. So he was frustrated that I was mad at him for not feeling connected. Okay. Well, he said that he was putting in the effort. Maybe he was, you know, maybe you're just not on the same page of how much effort you need versus how much he's willing to give. And that doesn't make you needy. It just maybe means that you two like aren't compatible. But like he's telling you this from the perspective of a 26 year old guy who's in a kind of a selfish stage of his life and someone who he is doubling down on the fact that he's lost feelings for you. So it's just like, yeah. I mean, for me to try to make someone feel loved for someone who I'm not feeling love

for them, I would imagine just even texting him once a day, be like, hey, how's it going? Like, feels like a lot of effort, you know? That's the point. Damn, that's the hard truth. You're right. You know, he doesn't want to do it. that's the hard truth you're right you know he doesn't want to do it so yeah so no i'm just stuck trying to decide whether that's something i can put up with or that's something why why would i deserve more exactly why would you want to put up with it why are you going to waste energy trying

to figure out if you're capable of accepting less than what you know you want and deserve in a relationship? Is there a metal? Why are you trying to figure out if you could put up with that? For what? Just to say that you have a snowboarding boyfriend? Yeah, I think it's an ego thing. I think probably part of it is ego. There you go. That he loved me at some point.

We had a great relationship before he moved to Oregon. So that's what confuses me. And that's what I feel like I'm trying to force back. Yeah. I mean, listen, things change, people change, you know, situation change, your situation changed. You fell in love when life was simpler for him. And then he got this cool and fun opportunity and you kind of got in the way. Yeah. And I think our lives were so different because he was in Oregon having fun and meeting tons of new people and living out his dreams.

And I'm living in a city in the Midwest, going to work every day, waking up, making breakfast, going home from work, taking a shower, going to bed. What do you do for work? I work at a bike shop. You can probably work at a bike shop in Oregon.

Oregon, Oregon, Oregon. Oregon. Yeah. I'm just saying, imagine a world where your boyfriend said, Hey babe, this is like a kind of a selfish ask of me, but I got this crazy opportunity. I got to go to Oregon, but I'm obsessed with you. I love you. I don't want to be without you. Would you move with me for a summer? I don't know what you would do, but I bet you wouldn't go. I wouldn't go. Okay. Why? Because aside from that relationship, I wouldn't see any other opportunity for me.

And I don't want to move across the country for a man who I've only been dating for a year. Okay. Relationship wise, what are your personal relationship goals for yourself? My personal relationship goals is to grow with someone, to have somebody accept me while I'm growing. Okay. Do you want to get married? Do you want to just like have a life partner? Do you not know?

Do you want to have kids someday? Like what are your long-term relationship goals? My long-term relationship goals is just to find someone I have fun with. Family is not really something I'm thinking about. Marriage is not something I'm thinking about. I'm thinking of a life partner. Okay. Maybe neither of you are just really in a position to be in a relationship. Or be in a serious, committed, like traditional relationship. Not even like, I don't, traditional, whatever.

I'm just saying like, relationships take work. They do. And they're so hard. Even the best ones take work and they take sacrifice. And it takes energy to stay connected with someone.

It takes sacrifice. And it takes that much more energy when it is long distance, right? And neither of you are wrong for wanting to prioritize yourself. You know, your boyfriend right now is just like, hey, I got this very cool, I mean, it sounds really cool, fucking sponsored snowboarder. What a neat thing, you know? There's a 26-year-old guy who's got no kids and no real responsibilities. What a fucking dream, right? You are just like, hey, I got some shit I want to do too. I got this job I like.

I got my friends. I got my community. I'm going to think of me too. Also totally reasonable and valid for you to do, right? But I'm just saying two people, even if it's just life partners, it requires sacrifice. It requires commitment. It's not wrong for you to want to not move to Oregon for the summer, but that's no different than him not wanting not to go.

You too might just be at a point in your life where you're not willing to sacrifice a certain level of independence for anyone else, even people you claim to love. And that's also totally okay. At 2023, people are settling down far later in life, right? It's not like, you know, 20, 30 years ago, you go to college or high school, you date someone, and then whoever you're in love with in your early 20s, you're like, hey, let's get married and let's have kids, right? That's happening far less nowadays. Totally fine. But people want to have this companionship and they want to have someone around. And so they're just going to want to have someone for the sake of having someone because,

well, it's better than feeling lonely or dating around and things like that and the inconsistency of not having someone. Those relationships, even if you don't, they still require work because you want to feel like a priority to the people you claim they're a priority. And right now, you're not feeling a priority. And it's totally valid for you to feel. My read on what you're telling me is you're just, you're, you're, neither of you are in a place to really give what this relationship needs to work. And that's, that's okay. No one's the bad guy, but staying in this relationship and being frustrated at one another for not, you know, being committed to this relationship where neither of you are willing to make some sacrifices and sacrifices might like, they're not always going to feel equal day to day.

And what I mean by that is if you, if you know, we're dealing in hypotheticals because none of this happened, but if your boyfriend is saying, Hey babe, I just like, Oh, I want to make this work. I love you. And I want to stay connected with you. And I have this like really crazy experience and it's a selfish ask, but would you come with me? And you could say yes. Right. And that would be a, you know, you would be prioritizing the relationship over your own individual needs in that moment. And maybe it all worked out. Maybe you found a cool job, who knows. Right. But like you would be doing that for the relationship and he, you would be the one making a bigger sacrifice than him and that he gets to do

what he wants to do. Well, in the future, that needs to somehow be paid back organically, right? You know? But like that might happen over time. You know, you might not be able to say, well, if I'm doing this for you right now, what are you gonna do for me immediately? You know, you have to work through those things. Neither of you seem all that interested in long-term planning with each other either. You're just more like, hey, let's not rock the boat. Let's see where it goes. I like you. You like me. That's all I really need to know to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. And that's fine, but it becomes more confusing. You're right.

You're living day-to-day. It's like, well, what do you mean? It's good for you right now. So what about next week? You might just break up with me. Exactly. And I think that's why when things get shaky or when something doesn't go right, then it feels like it's the end of the relationship. Sure. Because if the boat shakes, then it's like, okay, is this over? Yeah. There's not much commitment in this committed relationship. Wow. Yeah. I never thought about it like that. And that's why it's frustrating because I feel like I have been sacrificing for him because I agreed to be in a relationship and I have been supporting his dreams. And I went to visit him.

You know, I bought a plane ticket. I took off work. I, you know, went through all of that. It shouldn't be. Again, no one's wrong here. It doesn't seem like, but that shouldn't be that big of a deal. You know? And even you, you're just like, I got a plane ticket. I took off all work.

I had to visit this motherfucker. You know? Like, that's not how, it shouldn't be that much work for you two to want to be connected and visit each other and be in each other's lives. You guys seem like you're together because you don't mind each other. Yeah. And maybe that's how it is now. And that's just a hard pill to swallow.

And in the beginning, I thought he was my end game. We both did. It requires a common goal, even if that common goal is to always make each other feel prioritized and loved. And right now that is not a common goal. You guys have no common goal. Your common goal is, I guess, to, you know, not fuck other people. Like, what is your common goal? Like, what are you guys working towards?

Nothing. You're right. 100%. What is your common goal? Like, what are you guys working towards? Nothing. You're right. A hundred percent. So you're just kind of like in it to like have some, just to say you have a boyfriend or to say you have a girlfriend. Here's the thing though. You say relationships take effort and they take work and they take sacrifice. And so for these past two months, it has been a lot of work because our relationship changed from being in person to being long distance.

So now I'm in this place after hearing what you had to say, should I continue trying to put in work or put an effort for this relationship? Well, I mean, it doesn't, no, I don't know. Listen, that's for you guys to decide, right? It's not for me to decide. No, tell me. My read, like, also you keep a lot like even the little us littlest of things can feel like a lot

of work for people who have a hard time prioritizing anyone but themselves and their needs and you two are it sounds like to me both kind of in this selfish stage of your life and that is okay if you're ever going to be selfish you're you're early to mid-20s are a good time to do it especially when you don't have kids or anyone else who really counts on you. But nevertheless, to be in this relationship, I think at a minimum, you guys should at least be willing to say, I want to make sacrifices for you in this relationship. And I don't even know if either of you feel like you're willing or capable of doing that and sacrifices shouldn't be making phone calls every day if if if sending a text to your

girlfriend or flying out to see your boyfriend is like some sort of big ask then I don't think you guys should really be together like you should want to reach out to each other you should miss each other and it's okay if you don't. But maybe you guys just have a nice mutual respect for each other. And I don't really believe in breaks per se. But maybe you just say, hey, listen, right now, maybe we should just end things. Because right now, all we're doing is making... I respect you. You respect me. I care about you. You care about me. But I don't want to i don't want to hear from my boyfriend he's falling out of love with me and all he's really all he's trying to

say is i have other things going on right now i'm really committed to snowboarding i want your support and but i don't want to feel guilty for how i feel or don't feel. That's what he's trying to say. Yeah. I think we are mistaking respect for love. Yeah. And out of respect, maybe you guys say, Hey, listen,

I just think right now you have other things going on in your life. And I just think you're too busy to make me a priority. And I'm not mad at you because like, it shouldn't feel like man, like hard manual labor to like reach out to me or want to hang out with me. And it just makes me feel bad. Constantly you were saying I'm feeling less connected to you. I'd rather just like call it off.

And if we find our way back to each other, so be it. But like maybe we find our way back to each other when we have, when we're, when we're both willing to make each other of a priority. you just say hey listen like i you know why why are we here what is our common goal ask him you know ask him that sure i mean if he if he's okay sort of if you want to just break up with him break up with him but if he pushes back you just be like listen i care about you i love you i like you know if be, I can't, I literally can't imagine being with anyone else, but maybe,

maybe neither of us should, should be in a relationship right now. Maybe both of us are just too busy with our own shit that we can't give the other person what they need. Being an adult doesn't mean you have to have a partner. Many people act like that. You know, it's like, well, I have to have a partner. And so I just want to have somebody. But right now, maybe he's just too busy to have a girlfriend. Maybe you're too busy to have a boyfriend. Exactly. Exactly. And I mean, I could, and he could, but yeah, like you said, neither of us, the sacrifices would be texting each other every day and hanging out. And that's what we, that's the effort we would be putting in. Yeah. That's, if that feels like a sacrifice,

you guys shouldn't be together. Yeah. I think there's a difference between loving who someone is and being in love. And that's where we get confused perhaps because we have a lot of love and respect for each other. Yeah, you care about each other. And maybe in the future that will change and grow. You guys can reconnect. But I don't know why you got... You don't even know why you're together. Other than a few... How long you been together?

A year. Okay. So a year ago, you met him. You thought he was hot. He thought you were hot. You had some great chemistry and you got really excited and you thought, this guy could be the one. And other than that, you got really nothing keeping you going other than something that

happened almost a year ago. You haven't evolved the relationship. You haven't learned, you know, you haven't really grown as a couple. You just have been living off this kind of adrenaline and momentum that you got in the first month of dating, which don't feel bad. got in the first month of dating, which don't feel bad. This, this is a, I guarantee you literally tens of thousands of people are, tens of thousands of people are listening to this thinking, oh, holy shit, he's talking about me, you know? So you're not alone, you know? And it's a scary world out there because now, you know, we're so, we, we feel okay with prioritizing our own needs,

but we want to do it while having someone to have a partner. I think you can be in a relationship and work towards your individual goals, but you have to have a partner who wants to support you and vice versa. And there should be a common goal, even if that common goal is to make each other feel loved and and feel connected and that you're not with someone who just so is this like matter of fact be like well you know i just i just don't love my feelings have changed and they don't want they shouldn't want to be okay with that you know exactly if it's true that's what i feel like if it's true they should say break up with me yeah if it's true it should be like well babe i feel less connected to you what are we going to do to stay connected because i want to be in this relationship.

And I was hoping that long distance would bring us closer together and strengthen the relationship. That was my goal. He is okay with not being connected to you. He is treating you like you are married and that breaking up with you isn't an option and how you feel about each other in this like forced arranged relationship is not his fault and there's nothing he can do about it and that's yeah because he said it's just how life goes you know he was gone and his dog forgot about him too his dog wasn't as excited

when he got home and he's like that's normal i sure yeah It's normal to not prioritize being connected with someone and then feel less connected. Correct. And it is normal that if you accept that as okay, it won't change. It's no point of being in a relationship. You two are accepting the bare minimum is okay. Like don't be in the relationship, especially in your mid twenties. You don't have kids. You're not married. There's literally nothing that's keeping you together other than there being this really good payoff. Why are you accepting malaise as acceptable relationship behavior? Yeah. We're kind of treating it like we're an old married couple. I have a poetry night later tonight where I have some poems about him and he's coming. So we'll see how that goes.

Okay. But don't be passive aggressive. Don't be condescending. Be direct. No one's a bad guy here. And if you respect and care about them, just have a mature conversation about where you're both at in your lives. And don't be petty and don't be passive aggressive.

Communicate how you're feeling and just work through it. And if you come to a common ground where you're going to say, hey, I care about you're feeling and just work through it. And if you come to like a common ground where you're just say, hey, I care about you. I love you as a person. I respect you. But maybe right now we're holding each other back as individuals and we're preventing us from maybe being in a happy relationship, whether it's with each other or someone else in the future. So maybe let's just take some time apart and maybe we should just break up right now and reevaluate our individual needs. Could you have that conversation with him? Cause that was perfect. Sure. Let me know if you guys want to call, come in as a mediation, we'd be happy to have you on.

I don't think he'd be very happy. I don't think he'd be very happy knowing I'm having this conversation right now. He'll live. Yeah. But I'm happy to, but I think you're, I think you're more than capable of saying this to him. I agree. It's going to take a little confidence just because I'm scared to lose them, you know, to circle it back to what you originally said. I need to stop being scared to lose them. Or be vulnerable enough to say that to him and ask if he's willing to be scared enough to lose you too. I like that. Both of you seem like you like calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but neither of you seem to be willing to do what it takes to make this relationship worth both of your time. So decide which one it's going to be. It's going to be a hard decision, but I agree.

You guys can work through it together. And he seems like a logical, pragmatic guy. I mean, this logic should resonate with him. That's true. And he seems like a logical, pragmatic guy. I mean, this logic should resonate with him. That's true. And that's why I'm asking your advice, because I'm an emotional person. I'm a hopeless romantic. I like to romanticize everything. And sometimes I think too hard about my words and he's the opposite. I confuse him a lot by overthinking and over talking. Well, you know, that's human. What's the point is the question you should be asking yourself. Why am I doing this? So once you get past the romantization of it all, like, is it worth your time? What is keeping you together? What is our common goal?

Why are we, why should we make sacrifices for each other? Are we willing to make sacrifices for each other? These are the questions you ask yourself, get the answers for yourself, and then ask him and see where you guys land. Exactly. Because I don't even know the answers right now. So I have to figure that out before I ask my boyfriend. Correct. Don't read him these cryptic poems that articulate a feeling, but you're not really sure what

to do with it. Correct. Have a conversation with them. All right. Okay. Good luck. Keep us posted. Thank you so much. I what to do with it. Correct. Have a conversation with them. Mm-hmm. All right. Okay. Good luck. Keep us posted.

Thank you so much. I will. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send us questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com.

We'll see you back tomorrow. Bye.