The Viall Files - E614 Ask Nick - I Only Date Guys With Girlfriends

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we have an Ask Nick session with our very own, Addison, a part-time editor on the show. She is currently in a long-distance situationship, which is strictly forbidden for members on the show, so we learn about the relationship and offer advice on how to get what she wants.  Our first caller is concerned about her dating habit of getting into relationships with men who have girlfriends. After finding out for a second time that the guy she was seeing had a secret girlfriend, she seeks advice on how to stop this pattern that’s developing and how to spot red flags. Our second caller just got divorced and is contemplating taking a European vacation with a guy friend that has feelings for her. She’s wondering if this decision is unhinged considering her recent divorce. Our final caller found Mr. Right, but thinks he’s unattractive. She’s never met a guy who understands or treats her the way he does, but is worried his hairiness is something she can’t look past.   “It’s a lot easier to change how a guy dresses, than how he treats you.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month.  Vuori - Vuori is offering 20% off your first purchase by visiting http://www.vuori.com/VIALL.  Viacom - Paramount Plus. Stream Now.  Nutrafol - For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to http://www.Nutrafol.com and enter promo code VIALLFILES. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman @addi.oconnor

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the entire household of allyie, Amanda, Derek, Genevieve. And with us today, our part-time editor, Addison, is with us. Hello. How are you doing, Addison? I'm good. How are you? Great. We brought Addison in because after hiring Addison, well, not even after hiring Addison.

Addison's been with us for a few weeks now but I found out she's in a situation ship and that's not allowed here at the household it's illegal like you found out she was stealing from the business kind of

I know I need your advice basically so we figured well let's just have Addison come in here and talk about her situation ship and what the fuck

what's going on lay the groundwork explain yourself name fake name fake name real age in here and talk about her situationship and what the fuck? What's going on? Explain yourself. Fake name, real age. Let's call him Connor. What's your fake name? What's the porn name? The stripper name thing. The street you grew up on.

What's your middle name? No, I'm Joseph Mapleway. May. What's the street you grew up on alexis may alexis okay powerful alexis street may alexis drive alexis drive yeah may alexis over here all right may alexis uh you're in a how'd you meet this guy so we met a couple years ago through mutual friends so like my best friend was dating this guy and then he brought his best friend. Okay.

And so it was like the four of us. How long has this been going on for? Currently the last few months. Currently? What does that mean? So like we were friends for a year and a half. And then the last few months or so. I've evolved into a situation.

Like the energy shifted. How so? So to give a situation like the energy shifted how so so to give a bit of a backstory he lived in la for a few months when we met and then moved back to the east coast gotcha so we just like maintained this friendship and then i don't know like a few months ago we just started talking like every single day like telling each other everything facetiming all the time texting yeah and why in your mind is that not just like i have a really good friend who i share a lot of information with versus well at first i couldn't tell if he liked me okay but i find him really attractive i love the kind of person that he is he's a great friend he's a great person so i kind of started developing like a crush on him not not knowing if he felt the same way.

So you became the hopeful person. Yeah, but I didn't like showcase that at all. I maintained like strict like friendship. Have you ever showcased it? Recently, yes. How recently? Last week. Last week.

We were at company dinner and I think it was amanda who says you need to elevate it down the street we walked um but amanda i think it was your terminology you were like you have to elevate it like he's kind of like we're at this weird standoff i think how you put it which which i love just in any relationship there should be an initiator and an elevator it's too much to have someone that's what we talked about neither. And he had kind of initiated Picture this. We're sipping on Aperol spritzes laying down the hard truth to Addison on a patio.

And he's done things where I'm like I feel like we're not just friends but he wouldn't say anything. So he came to visit me and some other friends in LA a few months like two months ago. And he would just get really close to me on the couch. At one point he laid down and put his head on my lap

and was looking up at me. And I just felt like maybe I'm crazy, but if I had a boyfriend, my boyfriend wouldn't like my friend doing this. And he wouldn't appreciate the friendship that we have. That's true. But as two single people, would you do it with a girlfriend point put my head on my

girlfriend's lot yeah sure yeah okay okay that's fair enough just paying devil to advocate here but in conjunction you know contextual doesn't really matter you still not your boyfriend yes yes trigger warning when we were writing that series it's like now he is my boyfriend i'm like haha fucker um but back to you i think contextualize within the talking every day the head on the lap has a very different implication than like oh we're getting loose and we're having fun yeah so he's putting your head on the lap and you then said what i didn't do anything i thought what a week ago you okay so so the head and the lap happened and i just let it go like i didn't do anything because i was i did not want to be the friend that has feelings and

then he's like okay that was super platonic so anyways we just go back to normal we keep facetiming talking like whatever and he wants me to come visit him on the east coast for fourth of july he said he calls you up ringy-a-ding-a, hey, Addison. He said it super, like, sly. He was talking about his favorite place. And I said, oh, it looks so pretty. I'd love to go sometime. And he goes, come visit me.

And I told him, I'm not just going to come visit you. So the man brought it up five more times over the next few weeks until we were on the phone. And he was like, come, come, come. Does he ever talk about women with you? I know about his previous women. That's not what I asked you. Then currently no. When I was single, I had a lot of women friends.

friends you know depending on who you ask some i think you know some people might have claimed that some of my women friends at least initially might have had more of an interest than just friends with me but if i knew that i wanted to be friends with a woman i was very i mean aggressive i guess in a way of like i would constantly talk about other women and as if they were my buddy yeah you know hey i met this girl what do you think i would always try to set an expectation of like we are friends i wouldn't talk about this with you if i was interested in you kind of thing and so that i never wanted someone to mistaken my affection as a friend now granted i wouldn't be putting my head on the lap and things like that but friends can be affectionate with one another yeah no i agree and when feelings are involved it's easy to misinterpret those so i would always go out of my way to do other things to say yeah but i will a friend yeah if i was

interested in you i wouldn't constantly be talking about other women and asking you for your advice and asking you about your love life and kind of like having no problem and encouraging you to go out and date and put yourself out there and advocate for guys that I think, you know, oh, I think you'd be great with them

and really try to be their friend. He's not doing any of that. There was none of that. I think the reason be great with them and and really try to be their friend he's not doing any of that there was none of that I think the reason that we started getting so close though is because when he came in October of last year I was in another situationship and so was he so we were offering each other advice and like helping each other get through like all of the hurt and then in like February that just kind of disappeared and our friendship really started evolving and for the last few months there's been like no conversation of other people so now he's asking you to come out for fourth of july and then what happened you say i'm not coming

out he keeps asking and then i was like you'll have to like practically beg me to come i'm not just gonna like listen to you say it one time and then buy a ticket and go good for you crazy a little bit i don't know if that's the go i didn't say beg i mean you know okay well if you know that you're gonna run away you should tell them to chase you you know like i didn't i didn't say beg but i was like if you want me to come like you need to ask like you need to bring it up again because i'm not just gonna hear you like casually mention it and be the girl who books a flight and you wanted it to be intentional why didn't you say i only fly for boys i like because i hadn't spoken to you yet great answer that was a great answer so then after multiple times i bought my flight and you did go i did go and what was the thing that so I went and what was the

thing that made you go we told her to because you told her to but I also we encouraged we were like but you have to take it over the finish line like you gotta you gotta you can't just yeah be in this middle ground did you did since you guys were her advisors in my absence, did you guys ask for, did you negotiate with him? What do you mean, did we negotiate with him? Well, you said go, but he's asking to go. She's like, I don't want to go. Oh, I wanted to go. What was the ask?

Yeah, I think you were already team going. By the time we sat down, she was ready to go. No, I know, but you didn't use that as an opportunity to get some either information out of him or some upfront expectations. What are we going to do when we go there? Like, nothing? We asked like where you were going to stay. We're like, once you're there, you have to at least say something or yeah, he's initiated. He's made these like come out. He's put the head on. So it's like you got to take it to the next level and at least just see. Yeah, I just wanted answers. Like, I just wanted to figure out what was going on. Have you asked any questions? No. I wanted to ask and I wanted an answer.

Nick, you were gone. You can't blame us for what happened in non-work-related things while you were gone. Exactly. I was on my own. All right, so you wanted answers. You weren't asking questions. I more so just wanted to see if there was anything going on because I figured if I'm coming across the country to see this guy, I'm going to get a very clear answer whether or not he says it.

Well, did you? I did. How so? So I got there on a Friday. We had a great time. We went out with his friends afterwards. We had a great time. We went out with his friends afterwards. We were working on this project together. We just got really close.

We were looking at each other. Then he looked over and he kissed me. We were kissing. Had he had a different... Not asking about hookup stuff, but did you just physically sleep in the same bed while you were there? No, we didn't. I slept on the couch. You're't. So I slept on the couch.

You're making out. And I slept on the couch. Before and after I said make out? Yes. Okay. The couch. Yes. Why didn't he give you his bed?

He pushed for me to sleep in his bed and I was super adamant to take the couch. And then the next night I took the bed and he took the couch. Okay. Okay. Great. He did it all for me. What was the first word spoken after the makeout he said i have a lot of questions he said that to you he said that you're like same

and then i was like i have a lot of questions what's going on and he basically said like the last few months he's really been in his head trying to figure out what's going on like he was like i felt like the energy shifted in our dynamic. And I started to have feelings for you. I didn't know how you felt about me, but I could kind of guess. And I was like, yeah, same. And he said he's been super confused trying to figure it out. And then I said, welcome to my world. So have I.

Where are we now? I didn't ask that. So I just enjoyed the night for what it was. Okay. And then. Wait, wait. That's fine. Enjoy the night. But this was day what of said trip's fine enjoying the but how this was day what of

said trip day one of three this is day one of three yeah this is friday okay friday night i love you just want you just wanted to enjoy the night fine with that saturday rolled around and i figured off of the vibes from friday that saturday may be like it was going to be the same energy and there was like no conversation about what happened no like no holding hands no no nothing it was like back to like what it was 15 hours ago so I was super confused and so later that night I brought it up and was like are we not going to talk about what happened last night? Like, I didn't say what are we, but I was like, we're friends and this happened. So like we both deserve a conversation.

And basically how the conversation went is he's moving to New York. He was going to move here, but suddenly he has to move to New York. And I knew that when I booked the trip. to New York and I knew that when I booked the trip but um he's moving to New York and feels like it's not a good time to start a long-distance relationship when we can't even be in the same place to like lay down the foundation what did you say and I said I I totally understand like I wish do you agree with it I do agree with it if you Saturday night, are we not going to talk about whatever the other night? And he said, sorry, I was a little nervous. I really like you.

I know we live a long distance. I know I'm moving to New York, but I think you're great. I think there's something special here. I think it's going to take a lot of work on our part, but I want to try it out. You would have said no? I'm glad you asked that. I don't think I would date him, but I would like to try it out. And I told him that.

What's the difference? I don't know. But I said, I wish you felt differently. You said that to him. I did. I said, I understand where you're coming from. And I do agree with it to an extent because I do value our friendship and the relationship that we have. And so I wouldn't want to do something that like completely ruins it

you're not friends yeah that's what we've been saying don't worry they did say that there is no friendship to salvage or save we're best friends we're best friends I'm like you're not you're not you guys are both filling a

relationship role with each other. And I've had that with some of my platonic lady friends. It might have been platonic, but because I'm a heterosexual man who's only dated women, you can be platonic friends and still fill the role of what a girlfriend or a boyfriend might play. When you go to dinner, it's just like having that female or male companion it's just not the same energy as if like you go with your bros or you go with your girls and like you just aren't you're not like he when he gets a girlfriend or you get a boyfriend and you talk about your bestie they're gonna be like that's weird i don't love them have you ever dated you ever like them they're going to be like, that's weird. I don't love them. Have you ever

dated? Do you ever like them? They're going to ask you all the questions you would ask. And now we've already crossed that line. I'm uncomfy. Even if you didn't cross the line, they're going to be like, did you ever like them? Did you ever have feelings for them? Was there anything ever there? And unless you're a liar, you're going to be like, yeah, I talked to my boss about it. Yeah. So what are you going to do now? So, yeah, that conversation happened and then it was really sad, but we both agreed, like,

we love the dynamic that we have and we want it to stay the same. You didn't actually both agree, but okay. Yeah. Well, and he knows that. He knows that. I told him, I was like, I wish that you felt differently because I don't know. I do agree that it's not a good foundation to start 3 000 miles away but like i would want to try because i like you that much you said that i did

good for you but i was like this is what it is so anyways like i'd rather have you as a friend in my life than not at all so um and this is where we're at no No. What else? So then when I got back on Monday, we called again. And he really laid it down and was like, I think we're better off as friends. The more I thought about it, I think there's not that thing there. And he told me that he has other girlfriends sleep in his bed because they're pretty platonic. But he was like, not you. And he was contradicting himself. He was basically but he was like not you and he like was contradicting himself he was basically saying he's like we have feelings for each other so like he was saying if it was

truly platonic he would have treated her like he did his other girl space friends who he doesn't mind if they share a bed if they like it's like it's so platonic that it doesn't matter but like that's not the case for us she's different and he he wouldn't have like necessarily trusted himself in bed with her which is why they didn't sleep in the same bed. Even though he said we're better off as friends. So then I just kind of like was upset about it. And we ended the conversation and we didn't really talk for a week. And then I called him yesterday, actually, and told him like, it's clear that we haven't spoken in a week and we both needed space and he

agreed that we both needed space and I instead of like rehashing everything and like being nitpicky I just said like the things that you said last week were a little bit hurtful they didn't all add up but at the end of the day like I just want to let it go and like move on so that we can just like keep the same relationship and like go back to being best friends and he was like i agree i hate that yeah i know that is tricky tricky tricky all right so what do you want what do you want i don't know i mean like i i wish that things went differently like i'm not like happy about how the conversation went about how he kind of pretended like none of that happened and he can just go back to being friends because it's just like it's kind of weird now it's like all of that happened and I don't believe him that he thinks we're better as friends like I think he's just trying to shut his feelings off well and like

you said he literally contradicted himself in the same conversation by saying there's only one way to find out what stop pretending to be his friend so what should i do you just say listen i've also thought more about it on my own and at the end of the day i'm just promising myself going forward that i'm just going to be honest with myself first and then honest with the people i care about you know that i care about you and honestly like i really like you i don't kind of like you. I really like you. And let me tell you all the reasons why I like you. And let me tell the reasons why I think we have a chance of being a really good couple.

And I know it's inconvenient. I know it's unideal. But you have money. I have money. We can fly planes. It might be inconvenient. There's FaceTime. There's Waze.

I think we should date. And if you don't want to, I'm going to respect your decision. But this is how I feel about you. And I'm going to stop pretending to pretend that we have some sort of friendship to save. Because at the end of the day, when I meet someone else, I'm going to have to be honest with them about how I felt about you. And we're just not going to be friends then. So I'm just not going to lie to myself. I want to date you. If you don't want to date me, that's fine. I respect it. But like, honestly, I just think the friendship that we pretend to have just doesn't exist anymore. So, you know, please don't call. Please don't hang out. I'm not the person that I want. I don't want to hear about your dating. I don't

want to hear about other stuff. I'm not going to call you. And if you may change your mind, let me know. It's good. Are you going to do better than what I did? But you have the option to do that now. Yeah, I can write you the script. What's like like conceptually you're like, oh, OK, like I agree with this. This makes sense. Like in terms of like kind of like how you're feeling, like what is holding you back from doing that?

I'm saying that. Yeah. It just makes me sad to not have him in my life. It's the thought it's the false feeling of having some of them is better than having none of them at all yeah yeah loss sucks like it's like such a nightmare but i also think it's like it's gonna hurt the same amount yeah when it happens well because i think about it all the time i'm like if he moves on and starts dating other people like i can't handle it it's's going to make me sick and I'm going to have to step away. And then if I find another guy. Like our friendship isn't appropriate to have with another guy. so because you don't want your feelings to continue and you're like oh but we check in with each other every day like him still being in your life and clearly you had this friendship

it turned into something more for you because you do like him and you like these daily check-ins and these face times so your feelings aren't gonna like just remain stagnant let alone like decrease if you continue doing what you're doing we've seen this formula play out before if you continue talking to him on a daily basis they're probably going to get stronger and just like you said then the comedown is going to be even harder once he finds someone in new york what confuses me though is like why like my feelings won't decrease but why he's acting like his are gone like do you think i think you're wasting your energy trying to figure that out i mean who knows right that could be a million different things.

I think just as in general as a society, I think we're now kind of conditioned to make excuses for why we shouldn't commit and date. You're both on the younger side. So like just practically speaking, he's just like, it's messy. There's truth to like, hey, I don't want it to get messy between us. And you have been friends. And so he's just like unwilling to take that leap to, to take the risk and put in the effort.

And part of it is fear or just laziness. It doesn't really matter why. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. You guys ended up in like a poker game, you know, because before he was like,

I think there are ways where while you were like unsure and you were just like, I don't have it in me right now to like meet him where he's at in terms of maybe like flirting. Like I think from his perspective, he was like, I was being so obvious. I was initiating. So like I asked her so many times to visit. And so like, it's important to know that like with the poker game, it's like you both have your cards drawn right now. And there's a good chance that like, especially if his actions aren't making sense and he's contradicting himself that like he just thinks he just is like well i don't want to like lose this game and i don't know where she feels and so i'm just gonna like cut it and that's what i think he did yeah yeah but really i can't stress enough it doesn't matter

and we waste so much energy at trying to why why why why is he doing it doesn't matter the thing that sells people is the confidence in themselves so the more confident you are regardless of how he responds in the fact that this is what i want and the more sure you are about why you want it and how in the conviction that you have he might not come around right away right away but people always find it attractive and he's going to think to himself well she's pretty damn sure about herself and us so maybe i'm what am i missing and that will be the reason that gets them over the hump we we do the opposite you're both being like well you know i don't know like maybe i don't know like should we should and if you're going to dip your toe in the water

because maybe the cold water's too cold everyone else is going to think the water's too cold too and they're going to dip their toe in the water you know it's just like jump in the lake and be like hey it's refreshing it's fun it's like the water's warm come on in yeah that's the energy you want yeah or realize there's sourpuss who's never going to get in the lake and then you're like okay fine i'm gonna find someone who wants to fucking swim with me you know but like don't commiserate over your kind of indecisiveness because like neither of you are given the other reason to take a risk. And it is a risk to neither of you are given the other person to go out of your way to have a long distance relationship because they are inconvenient. There are downsides to it. You guys can get over

it, you know, and at some point it might be a, Hey, like one of us might have to move or take a leap of faith. And he's already thinking about moving to LA. I mean, like you're young enough to figure that out in the future. But no one's giving the other person a reason to take that risk because you're both acting super indecisive. The most you've done is say, hey, I'm kind of disappointing your decision, but okay. Oh, well. You're pitching it as it's not a big deal if you turn us down. You have to do the opposite. You have to make him feel like he's making a mistake. You have to create urgency, just like in sales, you're selling yourself. You have to make someone really panic about not buying it now, because if they put it on hold and go shop around, someone else might come and buy it.

That's true. You got to create urgency. And the only reason you create urgency is by selling the relationship that you think can is by like selling the relationship that you think can be great it's true I can write you a script I'll take it

we can do it at the office I'll take the script oh my gosh yeah let's all do it let's jump on FaceTime we'll be in the background we'll hold up cue cards yeah

SNL style I'll take the script this is just how I feel I'll take this on my own please yeah and you have to be super confident about it

is it weird though to like have this conversation after i called him yesterday and was like yeah no because thoughts evolve and you can literally say after our conversation yesterday something wasn't sitting right with me so i decided to think about it a little bit more and i'm realizing that i need to be more honest with myself and as a result you yeah you can even start by you're surprised like can i just i wasn't i i want to apologize because I wasn't honest with you yesterday. And the reason I wasn't honest with you is because honestly, I wasn't honest with myself. So now I'm just going to be honest with both of us.

This is how I feel. Don't like go on and on after they say, well, I don't know if I feel that way. You don't explain why they're wrong. Yeah. You just tell them that you're wrong. You should tell them that he's wrong. I think you're wrong. I think you're making a mistake,

but I respect your decision. You just have to be very confident in your feelings. That's good. Wish you the best. Hang up the phone. I mean, that's literally what Natalie did with me. Really? Yeah.

She was just like, yeah, we should date. And I was like, I don't think we should. She was like, well, sorry you feel that way. I also think the best thing Natalie did too and something that i try to mimic in my own life is like she led with like what she felt and what she wanted and i even use that in like defining the relationship terms too of like so i'm not dating anyone else i don't want to date anyone else checking into see like leading with like here's what i've concluded about myself and here's like like having rather than being like what what do you think

we are like i have completely turned that on its head and i think you can do the same in this as opposed to being like are you really sure you feel that way be like so i've been thinking and like i think that's really like impressive i think a lot of guys find that hot like when you're just like no here we go this is where we're running the show i like that We believe in you. I'll try it. We need an update. I'll be emailing you for an update. Give me until the end of the week. That's fine. You have until the end of day Friday.

It's a work assignment. I'm going to need until mid next week because he's moving the next two days. So what? So I'm not going to talk to him. Busy. Stop being so accommodating. I know. Come Wednesday of next week when we record the next Ask Nick intro.

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All right. My job depends on it. We have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours. Well, we have a great week lined up for you. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours. Well, we have a great week lined up for you. Can't wait to share it with you all.

Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Sandra. I'm 21. How can we help Sandra?

Well, I'm in a bit of a predicament because it seems like every guy I date has a girlfriend. Okay. Tell us more. How does that happen? I don't know. It seems like they find me, like they hit me up on Instagram or a match with them on Tinder. It's happened twice in a row. Okay. So like twice you meet these guys, Tinder, DMs, whatever. You go on, you start talking, you go on a couple dates. And then all of a sudden, what?

Like you somehow find out they have a girlfriend or they get told on like walk us the last guy, the most current guy. Walk us through the time. Like, how did you meet? And then how did how do you discover he had a girlfriend? So we'd been seeing each other only for about a month. But because it's happened before a long time, I already have a bit of trust issues. So I just got a bad feeling. so i was snooping around his instagram following um and through his likes i found like a burner account that he had for his business or

something like that and had only uh three followers i clicked on the first girl she had a visco in her instagram even though her account was private and the third picture was a picture of them kissing so i messaged her the same i also messaged the other girl before and i told her but she's staying with him because we weren't seeing each other that long so that's not that's not your problem but it is yeah but i Yeah. But did you have a conversation with her? Does she find it interesting that she felt the need to explain herself to you? Yeah. We talked for like two hours. Two hours?

After... Yeah. For two days, we had called each other. The first was a bit shorter. And the second day, I think she felt like she needed to defend herself for wanting to stay with him. Yeah, I think she wanted a bit of the validation that I would tell her that she's not a dumbass for staying with him. I mean, it's not really for you to say one way or the other. Did you sleep with them? Not this one. The other one I did. Okay.

Did you fool around? Like, what, like physically, what, like what, what, how many bases did you round? Um, I'd say like maybe second base. Yeah. Now I want to know what second base means. I mean, I don't know. Like making out and some clothes came off, but it was never like all the clothes. Yeah. Still cheating. I cheating i mean yeah and then the first one how did that happen we started seeing each other in november and then uh it got really toxic so then i tried to cut myself off from it but he kept kind of coming back to me hitting me up again and then it was a week after valent's Day, I found out that he had a

girlfriend because he posted a picture of her account because there was some spam account that was trying to impersonate her. And he was just reposting it like report this account. This is the real one. And then I asked him like, who, who was was this girl there was this girl that was constantly in his phone messaging him called bubble tea bitch and I was like who is that tea bitch bubble tea bitch and how do you spell that just a friend bbt bitch bbt bitch yeah and uh yeah I kept asking him, like, who's who's that girl? Like, why is she calling you at 10 at night? And he said, Oh, she's probably just calling about work. We're just friends. I don't see her like that. And I asked her, is that bubble tea bitch? And he said, Yes. And then I messaged her and I asked him, what's your relationship to this guy? And she said, they've been dating almost two years. Damn. So how did you confront these men? I didn't really. I just went right to the girl and I told her everything. And the first guy, he said I ruined his life and that we were nothing and all that.

I mean, he didn't ruin his life, which is unfortunate. You know, I know they were back to back. Have there been other examples in the past of this happening? Not to my knowledge, but I think a lot of guys, they don't, they're not comfortable with admitting that they want or they don't want to tell me that we're exclusive because they don't want to be. And then I kind of exit myself out of that situation because that's not what I'm interested in. How old are these guys? How old were they? Around my age, the first one was 23 and the second one was 22. Okay. I mean, it might just be, you know, dumb luck on your part. If you go forth in the dating world and like almost the next two

times i'd be like what is going on uh it might just be a bad a bad accident but i guess what what do you think like what are the patterns i mean what other than like just dumb luck you know like the second time right you were already i'm assuming the first experience rattled you a little bit obviously that's a shitty experience, uh, can make you not want to trust people in general. And I'm curious when you, so when you started seeing the second guy, did, did it come up about the last experience that you had? Um, only briefly, but I said that the last guy I was seeing, it turned out really bad and that we are now blocked and and everything but I didn't go into too much detail because I didn't want it to taint the progression of the relationship in any way and I wasn't sure if I

wanted to um be with him in the long term but towards the end or right before I actually found out that he had a girlfriend I was starting to like him a lot more. And I was thinking about the potential of, of a long-term relationship with him. So like going back, I'm like in the first kind of months of seeing these, these guys, were there moments of you thinking that's kind of weird, but like, I don't want to, I don't want to be, I don't want to be a jealous girl. I don't, I don't like, I don't want to i don't want to be i don't want to be a jealous girl i don't uh i don't like i don't want to doubt you know like were there a lot of those moments yeah definitely a couple and especially with the the new the newest one i kept saying like i don't own you like whatever

you want to do is is your prerogative. But I asked him numerous times. I even asked him verbatim, do you have a girlfriend? Are you seeing anybody? Are you pursuing anybody? I just want to make sure that you're not. And he said, no, I'm not. Yeah. No, I mean, he's obviously going to lie about that.

I guess I'm more like where there, where there are situations where just like, not necessarily based off of what you said, but like what he said or did, like, for example, right. I think sometimes in situations like in a relationship, it's totally normal and acceptable and it should happen from time to time for your partner to want to hang out with their girl or guy friend. It's like, got to have your girl time, got to have your guy time. Every once in a while, someone you might be dating will want to go to an event and you'll feel uninvited. They don't really uninvite you, but they don't really invite you. And then they'll position it as like, guys night out. And then the more questions you ask, you find out, well, guys night out includes a like a situation where is gonna be a lot of guys and there's gonna be a lot of women you're just not invited

and then they'll make up some sort of like bullshit excuses where it's just like but you don't like bars you know you don't like clubs you know you're just like well yeah i mean like clubs might not be my favorite thing but like i'll go to a club like you know what i'm saying like they they can kind of you can just tell they're like thinking of these random bullshit excuses of why as if they're thinking of you you know as if they're like the reason why they didn't invite you is not because they didn't want you there's because they didn't think you would have any fun and so like they didn't want to have to like worry about it and yada yada and then just it's all this it's all bullshit so were there situations like like

that with these guys where you know just like they oh, doing other things? Because I'm assuming both these guys who had girlfriends, they didn't just disappear for a month or two months, especially the first guy that went on for a while. They were juggling you and the other women. Yeah. Or there must have been moments where they were spending time with them and they were coming up with excuses that I'm assuming looking back felt a bit off. No? Or yes? Yeah. Most of the patterns you're talking about was mostly with the first guy. The first thing I can think of is New Year's Eve. I was expecting that we'd be doing something together, obviously, because we're seeing each other.

I feel like you have to spend New Year's with the person you're seeing because New Year's kiss. Reasonable expectation. Yeah. Yeah. And he said, oh, that only happens in the movies. I'm going out with friends. I don't know what I'm doing yet. Or he'd say, like, he texts me all the time,

but then he says he can't hang out because he has a lot going on and stuff like that. So back to New Year's Eve, that's a perfect example of what I was talking about. And in that moment, like looking back, what did you think and feel? When he said to you, oh, that only happens in the movies. And I love how he said, I'm going out with friends, as if like somehow you are incapable of hanging out with him and his friends. You clearly went along with it to a certain degree. You got all the way to February and no judgment. I've been there. Listen, it's a shitty thing that people do when you're in a relationship. They take advantage of the trust that you offer

them. It sucks. It's a terrible thing that people do in committed relationships when they're fucking around and they're being dishonest is they use your trust that you're so willing to give to them against you. And it's a shitty fucking thing because you're thinking, why would someone lie to me? I'm going to choose. I don't want to be the paranoid, possessive, crazy partner. I'm just going to trust you. All right, fuck it. And then they pull this shit. But in that moment, if you could go back to that state of mind of what your body felt or what you were thinking in that moment when he said to you, oh, it's only in the movies. Do you remember? Yeah. I mean, part of me was saying like, this is not okay. This is suspicious for sure. Yeah. So listen, people lie, unfortunately. There's a lot, especially, you know, you're young, you're 21. And if you're going to date guys around your age, unfortunately, there's just like an overwhelming amount of fuckboys out there these days. I mean, essentially, you just got to assume everyone's just kind of a fuckboy and hookup culture in dating, you know, like 22 year old men, unfortunately, in 2023, they're not ready to settle down.

They're not even ready to be in a committed relationship. And to find someone who truly is, is truly the exception to the rule these days. It's sad, but this is where we're at. So I don't want to tell you to go out there and not trust any young men, but like, it's just the reality of the situation. But you just have to get really good at listening to yourself and trusting your gut and hearing your body and what it tells you. When something says that's messed up, that doesn't mean you're crazy. And it doesn't mean you're crazy for questioning it. In the New Year's Eve situation, as you said, it is not crazy for you to want to spend time with a guy you have been seeing on a consistent basis where you're dating. That's a baseline. There are exceptions, sure. But their exception can't be something generic like, you're the crazy one. Oh my God, it only happens in movies. Like what? He's trying to make you

believe that you're this kooky person who's been locked in a box for 21 years and been programmed by rom-coms and you're just completely oblivious to the real world that no one actually hangs out with their partners on New Year's Eve. No, no, no. That's a holiday for the boys. And so you just have to listen to yourself because you even said that sounded messed up.

But instead of saying, hey, listen, that just feels wrong. That doesn't just happen in movies. I don't know who you're hanging out with, but I'm not crazy for feeling that way. And I think that's something people can say, especially women who often I hear, well, I don't want to sound crazy. I don't want to feel crazy. And unfortunately, I think there's a lot of partners out there who want to make you feel

crazy. When you have a thought and you know it's a rational thought, you can say, listen, we may not be on the same page. You might not agree with me. We might have a different point of view on this particular topic, but I am not crazy or wrong for feeling this way. This isn't a reasonable question for me to have. For New Year's Eve, it's not crazy for him to want to hang out with his boys, right? There's exceptions to every rule. Maybe there was something going on. But the fact that he tried to make you feel crazy for even asking about it, for wanting to hang out with him, that should be the red flag. As opposed to, hey, babe, I know it's just like Charles, whatever. It's just like an all guys things. And then you should be able to ask more questions. And then someone who's not hiding something has no problem with you asking more questions. They're like, oh yeah, because they have answers.

They're not hiding anything. It's like, oh yeah, we're going to hear so-and-so is going to be there. Not a big deal. Honestly, like call me anytime, babe. I want you to feel secure and whatever. It's like, no big deal. I got nothing to hide. Ask away. The person who is hiding something is frustrated about your questions. They're annoyed by your questions. They're like, why aren't you trying to help me? Like, you know, It's just like, oh, you always do this. It's like shit like that. And so if nothing else, don't let this experience make you more jaded or cynical. It just helps you be more aware. Because I think when you look back on these situations, there are a lot of tea leaves to read, so to speak. There are a lot of signs that you can

play off of. This New Year's Eve story is a perfect example of someone making some ridiculous bullshit excuse. That is such a huge red flag. The next time some guy pulls some shit about why he can't hang out with you, and you just know deep down it's a completely reasonable request, out with you and you just know deep down is a completely reasonable request and he tries to make you feel like you're on mars then there's something going on you know then why are they why do they want to make you feel like you're delusional for wanting to do something so basic when they try to convince you that you don't like something it's like you know hey me me me and the me and the guys are gonna go hanging out at the beach, you know? And then all of a sudden, you know, and they're like, well, you hate the beach.

Because like maybe one time you're like, I don't know, like, I just don't want to go to the beach today because I don't feel like getting sand in my toes. And then one day you said you didn't want to go to the beach. And next thing you know, they throw that in your face that you hate the fucking beach. And that's why you're not invited because it's co-ed beach volleyball. There's going to be a bunch of women in bikinis and you're not invited. And they throw out, you hate the beach because one day you didn't want to go. It's shit like that. And when you're thinking, I don't hate the beach, that's a red flag. You know what I'm saying? That doesn't make sense. So when things don't make sense, you just have to trust your gut and you have to be willing to speak up. Are there any other examples that you can think of? I think with the other guy,

it's just, I didn't, I tried not to make a big deal out of anything really. And we didn't get too deep into talking about our lives. So I think the main thing is with the first guy, because it was a couple months. Sure. Also, you mentioned early that the first guy, things got pretty toxic. Yeah. In like November, December. Yeah, that's when we started. I mean, honestly, looking back, it was toxic the whole time. Okay. Well, that's fine no judgment but again looking back you need to ask yourself why were you so willing to to stay in something that you clearly knew was

toxic like what were other things what were toxic things about it honestly i think i stayed because i found him very attractive and I liked the idea of him. Okay. I think, yeah. Fair. It's like an athlete and tall tattoos, like that kind of thing.

Well, so, you know, you're kryptonite, tall, athletic tattoos like that. That is, you know,

those are your blinders, but no, seriously, it's like, it's good to know those things it's good to know that like hey when when you are very physically attracted to someone and you are immediately drawn to very like some physical characteristics you know like edgy tattooed bearded guy you know you know if you're a guy it's like maybe there's physical characteristics

about a woman that you're just like fuck fuck, I'm just a sucker for this. You just need to know that people were very good at downplaying red flags and upplaying the green flags. So these are two situations back to back that ultimately sucked and rattled your cage a little bit. But thankfully, in your case, nothing super tragic happened, right? You didn't invest a great deal of time in any of these guys. You didn't even sleep with the second guy. So these are a couple of fairly painless lessons that you've learned, thankfully, at a fairly young age. So the big question is, how do you move going forward? Because both these situations, it seems like there were plenty of red flags that you simply just chose to ignore.

Yeah, definitely. So now we just have to get good at listening to yourself. And when things seem off, ask some more questions. And if they get defensive, ask more questions. And always stay calm. It's just like, you know, know listen we might not see eye to eye on this particular topic but the fact that you are clearly trying to make me feel like i'm crazy for this or that i i'm wrong to feel the way i do that's a red flag right because i'm sure you've

been in situations where you disagree with someone but you recognize that like maybe they're just coming from a different point of view you know you're just like i just don't agree with you you know i see your point but i just don't agree that's different than being like i don't agree and let me convince you as to why you're you're nuts you know and when you try to convince someone they're nuts and it's not obvious and you're you're throwing out things there's a reason why because when you're trying to hide something they want you to make you they want to question yourself. It's like, do I hate the beach? Like, do I?

What? Like, weird. Maybe I do hate the beach. Like, you know? And we do this because part of it is the shitty part about trusting someone. It's like anything else. Like, that's why, you know, now we live in these divisive times, right? And it's very hard to get people to change their mind on things, especially very polarizing issues.

Part of the reason why is because we don't want to think that we were wrong. We don't want to acknowledge to ourselves, it's like, oh, well, fuck, maybe they have a point. Maybe they have a point. And all of a sudden you have to like do this kind of inventory of like, you know, this self reflection of all the other conversations you were with other people when you were trying to convince someone of something only to realize that maybe, maybe you were wrong.

What does that say about you? And Oh my God, you know? And so like, we're very resistant to finding out the truth because we're afraid of what it says about us. And then, so you apply that to dating. It's just like, Oh, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't, I'm, I'm, I'm smart. I'm,

I'm aware. I'm not, I'm not foolish. I, I'm, I'm empowered. Like I, I pay attention to red flags. I'm not a, I'm not superficial, you know, like we're afraid of what it all might say about us, but listen, like people lie. People are deceitful. We all look the other way. We all lie to ourselves. And so the worst thing you can do is to double down on that lie and be afraid to find out the truth. So just don't be afraid to find out the truth. There's plenty of athletic douchebags with tattoos out there, some of which might not

be cheaters. But just know that those are the exceptions to the rule. Take your time. Maybe in your case, try to date a few years older, plenty of immature older guys out there. So it's definitely not a guarantee, but 21, 22, 23, I mean, if they have any signs of fuckboy in them, rest assured, they almost certainly are, because they're just young. They're not looking to settle down anytime soon. These guys who have girlfriends, they're not wanting to be boyfriends. They just like the consistent sex that those girls have. Just get better at reading the red flags. Do an inventory. Think about it. It's like, what were other times that he said some shit that was so bonkers, but I totally went with it? Don't be afraid to think

about that. Don't judge yourself. Don't call yourself stupid. It's just, you're doing it to protect yourself in the future. You're doing it to get better at just listening to your body, listening to your gut. No one should ever make you feel bad for listening to your gut, even if they're wrong. Even if you're in a relationship and maybe you're just like, something seems off here and maybe they're not doing anything. But again, the person who's not doing anything is not going to get defensive they're just going to be like well hey i don't know why you feel the way you do but sure let's talk about it let's i don't want you to feel this way what do you want what do you want to see how can i make you believe me i'm an open book look at look look at my phone i don't care talk to my friends i don't

care i got nothing to hide people who aren't hiding things don't get defensive all right yes all right well it's and it's not hopefully the next one's not gonna have a girl hopefully but people who aren't hiding things don't get defensive. All right? Yes. All right. Well, it's- Hopefully the next one's not going to have a girl. Hopefully. But it's not you. So just more than anything, it's not you. There's just a couple of things that you can learn.

More than anything, this is some dumb luck. Don't be afraid to find out someone you're crushing on early on is not your guy. Most of the guys you meet are not your guy. And all you're doing by asking more questions earlier on is saving you guy. Most of the guys you meet are not your guy. And all you're doing by asking more questions earlier on is saving you a shit ton of time. Thank you so much. Well, good luck. Keep us posted as you get out there. We'd love to know when you go on these dates, practice asking some of these questions. My guess is you have the ability to attract good looking douchebags. It's like a curse, unfortunately,

for you. Listen, you like what you like, you know, and attractive men are more prone to being fuckboys and especially young, attractive, tall men have an abundance of choices. And if you want to date those types of guys, if you want to find the exception to the rule, if you want to find that good looking gentleman who has a couple tattoos, but ultimately he is a respectful king, you're going to have to dig through dirt to find gold. And if you want to do that without hurting yourself over and over, you're going to have to get good at asking these questions and feeling confident in yourself and not doubt yourself and stand up for yourself and not let these guys make you feel like you're crazy for asking simple questions. All right?

Definitely. Okay. Well, good luck. Keep us posted on your progress. Thank you so much. Will do. All right, take care. Thank you, guys.

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Hi, May. How old are you? 23. How can we help? I don't know if the decisions I'm making post divorce are unhinged or a fresh start. Okay. Well, what are you doing? Okay. So recently got out of a marriage that just wasn't great. Okay. And I got invited on a trip to move to Europe for about a year, well, indefinitely, and put my post-secondary basketball career and schooling on hold and go on this trip. Or should I stay? Post-secondary basketball career. Tell me more about that. Yeah, I've been playing basketball my whole life. So I'm going into my, well, I'm going into my last year of school. So it'll be my last year of playing as well. so i'm going into my well i'm going to my last year of school so it'll be my last year of playing as well but even if i do go like i could come back and keep and play out my last year at school

yeah so i played college basketball in canada gotcha i guess here's my question when it comes to that right you can always go back to school there's that um you've been playing your whole life maybe you fucking hate at this point i don't know. Are you good enough to play professionally in Europe? Well, a few people in my league have that I'm pretty similar to. So, yeah, I was actually thinking about maybe putting a highlight together and talking to some teams. There you go. How long were you married for? Three years.

Three years. So you got married young. Very, very young, yes. And how are you feeling just emotionally about this divorce? So good. You feel good? You feel good? You feel free? It sounds mean, but I just like so much happier and better.

I don't know him. I don't care. I hope he's fine, but whatever. I'm glad you're happy, right? I mean, divorce is a tough thing. Listen, you're only 23. You got your whole life ahead of you. So here's my question. At the end of the day, you're going to do what you're only 23. You got your whole life ahead of you. So here's my question.

At the end of the day, you're going to do what you want to do. Why did you feel the need to call in? What about this trip feels a little spontaneous or a little reactive? There's something in your gut that's telling you that maybe this is slightly unhinged. Okay. So this is the thing. So growing up, I never traveled. Okay.

I've been anywhere. I'm from Alberta Alberta and the furthest I've been is like Colorado. And I just drove there. So never really been many places. Um, so my, this guy who I've been friends with for like nine or 10 years, when he found out I was divorced, he was like, Oh, come to Europe with me um and just was like all you need to do is pay for your ticket like i have these like places set up to stay so come like as unhinged to go with a guy who like i've been friends with for so long and i know like he's interested in me okay so this is not a pal this is a guy that you would definitely have sex with at some point i don't know so yes um yeah maybe yeah and that's

fine i'm just saying like you already know whether it's like otherwise you'd be like oh absolutely not like no we're just friends like yeah you know it's more than platonic yeah okay yeah yeah and it's just him what's he why is he in europe he's, he just graduated and he's just always wanted to do Europe trips. So he's going. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that, that definitely could get messy. Yeah, it could.

That's why I was like, I don't know. But it's also like once in a lifetime kind of thing where you can go do. I'm not, not like super well off. So what you do, you just work and you like, you find your job and you work and that's like all we've done. And that's why I'm like, I don't want to go almost before I finish school so that I don't just finish school, get a job, work, settle down. I feel like it's a good time, I guess.

Well, I wouldn't say it's the best time. It is definitely harder to go back to school once you take a break. People do it all the time, but it is harder. So I guess the question is, how much convincing are you doing to yourself that this is a good decision? Not much. I did. I want to go. Yeah, the only thing was, I was like, it's probably smarter to finish school and then go and finish basketball and then tie that up and go.

And why do we have to go for a year? Where is he right now? Oh, it's not like booked for a year. It's just like an indefinite amount of time. Like go and then i can come back whenever i want really yeah you can come back in 10 days i could yeah i mean when i went to europe after 10 days i was like i kind of miss a cheeseburger i also have like friends and stuff like that i played basketball with and that i can like go see and visit as well and And we're heading into the summer. So I'm guessing like your school doesn't start until when? September.

And I have my, I booked the ticket last night for October. So I'd work for like through the summer and then an extra month and go. So you already booked a ticket? I booked it last night. Okay. Yeah. I do think you have like 12 hours.

Yeah, I think you have your 24 hour like free cancellation. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Should I like I think it'll be great. I think it'll be fun to go. But probably. I mean, listen, at the end of the day, I don't I don't think

this is going to ruin your life. You just have to truly be honest with yourself about why you're making this decision. Are you making it as a reaction to something else? Yeah, you're're only 23 now's the time to be selfish and adventurous i don't love the idea that it's with a guy that you know you like could be really fun but you know you're just getting out of a divorce you know it'd be very easy for you to like out of just pure

convenience settle into this kind of situation relationship and all of a sudden like you know what fuck it i'll just date them because it's easier you know i don't know and you do have a history of like i don't know getting into a serious relationship fairly young and fast and so and i don't know maybe you've learned maybe this divorce has taught you that like maybe i'm going to slow things down but this isn't necessarily a sign of slowing things down. You're making a very kind of quick and reactive decision, right? This decision is you means that you're going to put, you know, important life things on hold.

You know, it does kind of, without knowing much about you, it does kind of follow suit with like other, like when you were 19, did you have a similar conversation with friends about like, you know what? I mean, I love them. Like, why wouldn't I want to get married? And, you know, sit there and try to convince yourself that it was the right thing to do to get married at 19. And maybe there was a voice in your head that said, babe, what are you doing? You know what I'm saying? But you were like, oh, but I want to, and I love them. What could go wrong? You know, and like, did you have a similar know what I'm saying? But you were like, oh, but I want to and I love him. What could go wrong? Did you have a similar conversation like this with a friend

where you're just like, I don't know. I mean, it's fun. I don't know. It was just kind of weird because the religion he's in, you always get married young and all my friends

are kind of in that religion too. So they all think it's kind of normal. I don't care what they think. I care what you think. Yeah, I know. And then, but then it was also COVID. So like our wedding was just basically, it was just a mess.

So no, I didn't really have those conversations. No. It was kind of just. You just kind of did it. Okay. Yeah. What would be the harm of taking advantage of this 24 hour cancellation fee? Sitting on it for like a couple of weeks.

I don't think prices are going to fluctuate all too much for flights in October. I said, I did get a pretty good deal. Well, I mean, yeah, you're booking a plane ticket.

So I could cancel it anytime. So anytime. Yeah. Well, yeah. I made sure like when the guy I was going with is booking it, I was like, no,

make sure you get the one where you can cancel just in case. Yeah. Okay. Well, so you don't have to make a decision to cancel. But I kind of do have to make a decision except to let my school know that I'm like taking, cause I'm in a program where like I'm in education.

So I have to do practicum through school. So you need to like let them know that like, they don't need to find me a placement and all that stuff. And then I'm taking the gap year. And then I also have to let my basketball like coach and stuff. So it's less about the flight. It more about your life yeah yeah well what about your team I mean you know like who who would you be letting oh yeah that's another thing my coach signed some people this year who like were in the league before and I do not like them and I was like I don't even want to play with them so that's another thing I'm like I could wait a year and

then hopefully like finish my basketball career with a team that I actually enjoyed. Okay. I mean, you're going to have to make this decision for yourself. There's obviously a risk of it being a little bit reactive. Yes. But what's the worst that could happen? It would be fun. You get murdered.

Oh, my God. I don't put that in the universe. She could get murdered right now. She literally asked me, what's the worst thing that could happen. Going to Europe by yourself. Have you seen Taken? Oh, okay. Yeah, I listen to a lot of crime.

I mean, listen, I'm sure you're going to be- That's kind of why I want to go with a guy because then traveling alone- And how well do you know this guy? Very well. Very well. Okay. Yeah. You trust him? He's a solid dude okay yes i don't like the idea that you're going to play house with this

guy almost certainly yeah i and i told him that and i was just like we need to go as friends and he was like okay he's gonna say whatever the fuck to get you on that plane so the question is will you have i have friends i have a friend in spain so if it really got that bad i can just be like hey i'm coming it's not that it will get bad it's you won't know until you're already like playing house type of thing it's one of those things well you'll be fine you'll get along you'll get drunk one night you'll have some sex and you know you'll just be like why not you know and and and again this is about like if if this was you and girl you know a bunch of girlfriends and like you could go out and you

could go to europe and you could experience like going out and meeting some like sexy european men like i'd be more for it you know but like you're gonna go and play house in europe with a guy who has a crush on you and you're going to basically be almost certainly in a fairly serious committed relationship out of default because it's just going to be way more convenient and like safer for you. And I don't love that aspect. I don't love that you, you know, coming out of a divorce and being, you know, getting into a very young marriage and a very serious and committed relationship.

I just want you to like focus literally on you and do things for yourself as an individual, as a single person and get out there and maybe date a little bit and meet a variety of different men. And so it's just more the fact that like it is a guy that you're almost certainly going to, it's just going to be super convenient, easy. Almost the best thing that can happen is you find out he's like some jerk and that's probably not going to happen because you know him very well. Then you go hang out with your friend in Spain and then you have some fun. But this could just be like a, I think you get fucking married in Europe because it's all, I'm just saying, you know, you don't know what's going to happen.

It's a very. And then you get murdered. Yeah. No, no marriage or murder in europe hopefully yeah i don't i just i just don't know how how good you are convincing yourself of stuff that's just a question you have to ask yourself yeah no those are all worries i've like definitely thought about but at the same time i was like well it's a good opportunity and why not you know and the opportunity is what because you're paying for your plane ticket like he, he's paying for all the places you stay.

Uh, yeah. He has like a bunch of them set up already. So he was just like, pretty much all you need to buy is your ticket. And then. And are these like hotels? Are they hostels? No, they're like, um, they're like house sitting places. How old is he?

Uh, he's my age. Okay. So he's house sitting? Yeah. So he's not even paying for these places. Yeah. No. Whose houses are they? He's my age. Okay. So he's house sitting? Yeah. So he's not even paying for these places. Yeah, no. Whose houses are they? I don't know.

It's like a site you can go on. That is true. You can also do it with dogs. You can just have strangers stay with your dogs and your plants. Really? Yeah. You can always come home. And I guess you could always go back to school second semester if it doesn't work out.

A year seems like a long time. Okay. Let's say like eight months. Like eight weeks. Like October to like June. For someone who's never traveled, who wants to just go to Europe for a year, it just seems like a rather dramatic shift. It'll just be so fun though.

I've just never had the chance. I've always wanted to travel. I've just never had really the chance to. So I've been doing school and basketball and things for so long. Like I've never really had the opportunity to go and do these things. I do think like, I feel like I was super lucky, got to like do

some awesome traveling in my life. I mean, yeah, Amanda's the resident traveler. She took a year off. Yeah, like I just like between high school and college, like moved to Sydney without knowing anyone and like stayed there for like a year. I was like, let's figure it out. And it was awesome. My experience is that like even though I was super comfortable, like being away from home, I loved the adventure, all of it.

Like for me, and I don't know that this would apply being that you're Canadian, but like I felt really sad on Thanksgiving when it was like. Yeah. And like in Australia and nobody's celebrating it. Like I'm working a double shift and it was just like nothing. And I think there were moments, even though I was pretty independent and pretty much like had the real like zest to be away and was it didn't like deal with homesickness too much. Like there were still times where I just felt like really like where they kind of brought me to my knees emotionally, where I was just like, damn, I really miss home. And I think that's on one hand, one of the most amazing and beautiful things about traveling.

But I think on the other hand, like when you're making kind of choices ahead of time, especially ones that involve like flight and tickets and money and stuff, I think you want to be careful about like handcuffing yourself in a situation where you don't have room to like pivot and like address your emotional needs. And like I think especially like post-divorce, even though it seems like you made such an amazing choice, you've had so much like good open communication with yourself, like you're so happy to be there. I'm sure there will still be moments of like, you know, you spent three years married to this person. Like there will be little things like where it kind of comes up. And I think being somewhere really far away on some hands is awesome because you can you know have all this newness and you're not walking around the same old place thinking of them but it also means you're super

isolated from like the support system that would help like ground you and I think just maybe like as you plan this trip like I'm very pro-travel I think it's so awesome but I think like really putting it in place like space for you to get homesick and be like i really need to go home and like knowing like that hopefully like could be an option the whole trip like save an amount of money where it's like the the emergency return ticket the like breakdown ticket where you're like i'm gonna have a breakdown if i don't go home or like stuff like that so i'm very pro you taking this trip but i think maybe like building in some like some stuff that just like accounts for like a version of you that's a little homesick and a little tired and it just got like food poisoning from weird food that you ate you

know stuff like that yeah I was planning on like making sure that I always have like I mean enough at least to get home for sure and uh yeah and I was actually I'm pretty close with my family so I am I know I'm gonna get homesick but I was even talking to my mom about it and she was because I thought she would be like, no, absolutely not. Like, you're not going. She like, like loves me having me home. Like I live just out of like two hours away, even for school. And she's always like, come home, be home, whatever.

But she was just like, no, you need to go and do it. And like, I never had the chance to. So I mean, yeah. And your mom knows you, I'm assuming best. Yeah. So mom supportive. How soon do you have to let school know uh i'd say probably by uh like mid-july okay all right mid-july so it's not

do we have a month well i guess what i'm saying is like okay you bought the ticket you can cancel at any time you know give it a month you can always get to know him ask questions you know you just figure it out think about it things might change in a month you know one way or the other um but yeah i mean like listen i you just want to make sure that like you just follow through with the things that you want to follow through like you know listen i don't know maybe you go to europe you just say you don't want to be a teacher and that's totally fine but like still go back and get your degree because even if you don't want to be a teacher and that's totally fine. But like still go back and get your degree because even if you don't want to be a teacher, like it just, you've come this far. Maybe you'll take a year off and you'll be invigorated with basketball,

you know, but like, listen, as someone who used to play a lot of sports, like you get to a certain age, there's a lot of things you can do in life that, you know, you don't have to stop doing just because you're a kid. But athletics is, especially at the level you're competing and someone who's played their whole life, it's life, it's never going to be the same once you stop competing at that level. And it will be something you're going to miss. Whenever it is, you stop it. It'll be something you miss. It's not the end of the world. I guess that's my biggest advice is that if you decide to

travel, if at any point you're like, do I really want to go back to school? Do I really want to play basketball? Don't make that decision in Europe. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. Don't get caught up in the fantasy trip. And it's awesome that you're going to take this trip and do a bunch of crazy things and hopefully it's a great life experience, but just don't make significant life choices while you're on that trip. Okay. Right? Take the trip, enjoy the trip, be present on the trip. And then if you have some major life decisions to make, come back, talk to mom and dad, settle in and think about it.

You know what I'm saying? For sure. Have fun. Congratulations on the divorce. Thanks, I think. They don't all work out. I'm glad you got out of it at 23 yeah i don't think it's that unhinged but just uh don't make big decisions in europe okay yeah that sounds good well yeah another thing i was gonna say is like i'm a wedding photographer so i'm like oh maybe i'll like turn something in that into something and maybe yeah

yeah definitely pick up on a a fun hobby but another example like you know obviously you get a couple gigs in europe you take some you know photographs maybe you become a wedding photographer for a career still finish school i've just you know no but like seriously it would be it's a lot of people have found a profession that like didn't require them to finish school and just nice to have you know because i mean i have a i have a degree this is just like this would be my second degree oh okay as well so because in canada you have to have like a degree before you get into teaching like into a teaching oh okay so it's cool so well that changes things a little bit. Yeah. All right. Well, YOLO. Go, go.

Have fun. I'm going then. Also, if you can, like, I don't know if you journal, really give it a go. I think it's like so easy to capture trips in a way that are like visible to like other people in terms of like, you know, you can like FaceTime your friends, Instagram, all that good stuff. And like that is so valuable. But I think especially because like, I feel like you'll be really like getting to know

yourself. And it's like such an awesome checkpoint. You'll be like thrown out of your comfort zone. And I think like some really cool stuff will resurface. And so if you can, I know it seems like tedious, but like buy yourself a beautiful journal. So that way, it's like something you kind of look forward to doing. And I think you will treasure it forever. And also like, especially as you're processing like the divorce and kind of like what you want out of life. Like I think being able to like reference that is a great way to kind of like stay connected to yourself and also like create this kind of like paper trail where like when you're you know two years down the line like back home if you want

to like think about like travel brain you know you'll have this amazing like document of that sweet yeah i'll do that for sure thank you okay all right well good luck keep us posted on if you end up going all right sounds good all right okay thank you guys how's it going good my name's ashley i'm 25 and i'm calling in because i think i met mr right but he might be ugly okay and how on a scale of one to ten how you know ten being who's your, who's the hottest guy in the world for you? I don't know. Like, uh, like a Liam Hemsworth kind of vibe. All right. There you go.

Handsome. All right. So how far away is he for Liam? If Liam's a 10? Um, he's probably like a six for me. So he's above average. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he's unattractive. Okay. Just maybe

not your type. Yeah. He's definitely not my type. Um, and I just feel like, you know, you get that feeling in your stomach, um, you know, when you're really attracted to someone and you know, they have all of these things and it's kind of that rip your clothes off, like sexual attraction that I do kind of want. But I definitely get credit to that emotional and mental side of it as well. Yeah. Well, that first part you're describing usually is just when you meet like, you know, a fuck boy. Right. Exactly. And that feeling that you described is your body telling you that I'm almost certainly gonna get fucked over by this person. But I'd love to be the person who he changes

his bad behavior for definitely and i think that's been me kind of in my past relationships or situationships so how long you been out with mr maybe um so probably like been seeing each other for like two months okay and why do you think he's mr right i don't think anybody has ever really seen me the way that he sees me. Like, just truly just loved everything about me, not wanted to change anything. I think for a lot of times in the past, I've tried to like portray myself to be what I think they want me to be, or be something I'm not. And he truly just likes me for who I am, because I wasn't even interested. Like at the start, it was just him showing interest, showing interest, showing interest. And I think it's just really special for someone to genuinely just like you for who you are.

And you don't feel insecure about just being yourself. Yeah, totally. How tall is he? He's probably like 5'11". Okay. So not too short what uh what from a physical standpoint what are like aspects like do you like is he well groomed i mean i guess the reason why i'm asking is just like could you make him hotter yeah i mean i think so he's's very hairy. Oh, okay.

We could probably maybe hit the gym a little bit. I mean, I'm not in the gym every day or anything like that, but I do, I do take care of myself. And that is something that I want in someone, someone that, that does take care of themselves. And I mean, that's not to say he doesn't, he tries to dress nice. He takes care of himself. He has good hygiene. So, I mean, as far as all those things, it's like I said, he's not attractive, unattractive. I'm just struggling.

Back hair? You know how you, yes. You know how you feel inside when you look at someone. And I've just kind of been struggling with that part of it. Back hair is a, you know, it's something to have to get used to, but he also can deal with that. Is it like ungroomed back hair? Yeah. How does he feel about it? I mean, we've even talked about it.

I was like, I'm going to just wax it for you. And he's like, that's fine. He's like, for me, it's no problem. Like he would let me. And I don't dislike hair. I really don't mind chest hair or like anything like that. It's just a lot. It's a lot of hair.

But listen, I mean, the reason I'm asking these what maybe sound like superficial questions, but it's a lot easier to change how a guy dresses or how he grooms himself than to change how they treat you. Exactly. I know. And that's what I was kind of like, is it my ego? Do I truly care about those things? Or do I care what other people, when they look at us, what they're going to think? The fact that you can ask yourself that question and be honest with yourself about it is great, but it also means on some level, yes. The fact that you have to ask yourself the question means that clearly it has been on your mind. Listen, everyone likes the idea that we meet you, you, we, we meet someone that not only we find physically, physically attractive, but everyone's like, oh my God,

like, how did you land this person? Like, you know, we all, we want, we want to feel that. Sure. And I think even taking a step further, like beyond the physical attraction, since like he has been interested in me for so long, his feelings for me are like very intense. And I've tried to, you know, really check in with him and just be honest that, you know, I do like you and how you treat me makes me feel very special, but I'm definitely not able to like match your energy at this time. And he's like, I don't want you to match my energy. I just want you to be, you know, yourself. But I

get, I think I'm also scared that since I'm not feeling that butterfly feeling, that's not just physical attraction. It's also, you know, when you look at the person that you're with, you're going to get those little butterflies and be a little bit nervous around that. And I'm just scared that maybe I won't be able to get there. And if I do end it, like I'm nervous that I'm going to truly regret it because I've just never been treated like this in the past. Well, you're just doing a little bit of overthinking. Correct. You've only been hanging out with him for two months. You still have a lot to learn no matter how great he treats you. Right. You know, there's always a risk that like right now you have the power. Right. You both

know that he likes you a little bit more than you like him. He's pursued you from the get. Yeah. You have the power. So in some cases, not having power is intoxicating. All the things that you're describing that you're not feeling, he's feeling. Yeah, absolutely. And I think since I, in my past relationships, I feel like I have been him. I've been on that other side of him. I've been kind of strung along by people and no, I only have good intentions here, but I would hate to ever be the person that my exes have been to me and hurt somebody and make them feel led on or, you know. But the feelings that you're missing right now, you can get with this guy, but it's not going to happen as fast as you're used to it happening. Right. Because when we like someone physically, you know, you know immediately whether you're attracted to someone physically.

So that desire to win their validation because of how hot you think you are is instantaneous. simultaneous you know if you feel like a like they have the power and you don't that again makes you have you know want to get their validation and you know you think about you know in the back of mind i just want them to like me and that's the feeling you're feeling right it takes time to build an emotional connection and it takes way more than two months so you can very much get there with this guy but it's going to come from continuing to build a rapport, to continue to be vulnerable, to continue to feel seen and heard with this guy, to know that you feel safe and understood, that he knows all the things about you. There are plenty of things about yourself that you have not shared with him, things that you're aware of and things that you haven't even thought about yet.

And if you ever get to that point with this guy, that will add to the level of security that hopefully you have with each other. You're going to build a connection. That takes time. It's only been two months. You can date this guy for a year and break up. You can date him for two years and break up. Yeah. There's always like, well, if I did it for two years, am I making myself unavailable for Mr. Even Better? You're never going to know. In your case, in this guy, I think if someone else comes along that you want to break up with them, you'll know. You'll figure it out. If you've said, hey, I have a pattern. That pattern is to like the opposite of him. And I've been the person. The pattern has been, I'm always chasing. I'm always the one who feels a little bit on the

powerless side of the power dynamic early on. So try something new here. There's a lot of things you like. Like I said, it's easier to change a guy's physical appearance or how he grooms himself or how he dresses than how they treat you. And you can kindly nudge him to say, hey, listen, I find it attractive someone who really takes pride in their physical appearance. So when you go to the like, you know, when you go to the gym, you know, like you can just let them know that like you find that attractive that, you know, I want someone who wants to be their best self. How old is he? 24.

He's 24, right? So he's at his physical peak. He doesn't have kids, I'm assuming, right? Nope. He's got no excuses not to, other than invest in whatever his career is and you, he has no other excuses to also invest in himself. And you want to encourage him to invest in himself, however that is, whether eating right, taking himself care physically, maybe therapy, taking care of himself emotionally and things like that, and encourage each other to just always be their best selves. And over time, you'll find out whether you're building an emotional connection that builds, you know, love or things like that. You're not going to feel what you've felt for other people with this guy.

Yeah. Because you're going about it a completely different direction. Exactly. And that's what my goal was, too, like, in dating, you know. I've learned a lot from listening to the podcast and kind of how I communicate not only with people like in a relationship way, in a friendship way, even coworkers. And so I've tried to kind of like transform my dating life. So I think this is a good, like new opportunity to kind of break my old habits. Yeah. And now you need to, if you continue to hang out with him,

I would stop telling him that you'd like, I would stop checking in in the sense of like, well, I don't know if I feel like he wants to date you. Yeah. And then until he tells you otherwise, let him date you. If he gets to the point where you hate him, you know, you should probably let him know. And the reason I say that is because like, you don't want to maintain this power dynamic with him. You want to get it to an even level, right?

So don't take advantage of it. Don't constantly bring it up. Don't remind him that you're not where he's at. He's assumed the risks already. He wants to give it a go, you know, and you don't owe him anything other than the willingness to try each day. And you have the right to leave the relationship at any point, you know? Yeah. And at some point you might be the bad guy. And if it doesn't work out a year from now, he might say things like you never were. And you, you know, who knows, who knows what he's going to say if you end up breaking his heart. That's not something you should really consider or worry about at this point. Right. So I don't know, give it a shot. I mean, I'm not

hearing a reason why you shouldn't at least, it's only been two months. You have a lot to learn. You can still, you know, you don't have to decide whether he's going to be your forever partner you also don't have to decide now whether your feelings are adequate enough to keep hanging out with him you know yeah this idea like do i like him enough to keep hanging out i mean sounds like you do just kind of enjoy it just enjoy it exactly yeah enjoy treating me the way that i deserve to be treated yeah and in the meantime if there's things that like the if there's small things that you could you know especially wardrobe wise you know and just every every girlfriend wants to like you know right elevate their their man's wardrobe so start there you know little things like and do it over time don't just bum rush them

with a bunch of like things you want them to do but like over time you know like you you can try this or god maybe it's a new cologne that you like you like and you find attractive so you buy it for him you know like those those little things that you know girlfriends and boyfriends do for their partner to like turn them into something that they really find attractive and sexy and things like that you can mold him over time into something that, you know, not only emotionally you desire, but physically you desire well as well. Yeah. And maybe you take them and get them waxed, you know, I don't know. He might hate that over time. I don't know. That might be a, I think it's necessary. Yeah. I don't know. And I think there's a way to do it. Like, don't shame them. Don't make them feel bad for how we, you know,

like, you know, guys have a lot of crazy expectations of what they think women should do to their bodies shaving hair and things like that that you know men just take for granted that because society you know has just kind of indoctrinated women to do all these things but like you know you have the right to have preferences and communicate those in a kind way. He has the right to say, no, I don't want to do that. I'm not comfortable. But like you can nudge him a little bit in the, in those departments where you're, you're like, you're not as attracted for certain things he does that you can maybe find

adjustments to. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As long as you do it kindly and, and, and things like that. And don't be a dick. Right. Like wanting him to kind of be his best self. I want to be my best self. I want someone that's going to push me and challenge me.

Yeah. He has no reason to be lazy. I'm not saying he is, but if maybe he's just a little, maybe he has some bad habits. He's 24. He has no excuse not to be in his best physical shape, whatever that is for him. It's a spectrum for people's ceilings.

But if he's not in his best shape as a 24 year old man with zero responsibility, then he's got some room for improvement. Yeah. And now is the time to find that, to find that time because you don't, you don't usually get more time as you get older, you get more responsibility and more people counting on you and you have less time for yourself. So, and maybe that's the one thing that, you know, you could say, let's say, I just, I want, you know, be a little bit more motivated. I'm like, I want you to want to be your best self because I find that really attractive. You know, it's just all his energy is going into making sure you like him right now. So maybe it's encouraging him to put more energy into himself and maybe that will, you know, help

from an attractive standpoint. Yeah, I think it would too. I think it's just always, you always think of like, well, how do I ask someone to do that? How do I say, you know, you just, like you said, you don't want to be a dick. First, get really good at complimenting him. Make him focus right now because the power dynamic is a little in your favor. Compliment him.

Make him feel good about himself. You know, right now, forget about the criticisms that you might have. Focus on all the things you like about him and express that. Really go out of your way. And so that way, when you have a critique, it doesn't come from a place of like, you hate everything about me. You don't like it. It's just, you know, but you're right.

It's hard to do. But focus on complimenting and making him feel good right now. And also, if you're, you know, going to the gym and things like that, always invite them along, do things together. And then when you do something together, just let them know how attractive you find it, that you can do things together or, you know, like it's kind of, you know, it's when you work out, I find it sexy or something. I don't fucking, you know, but it is a fine line. It's definitely more of the complimenting yeah it's definitely a fine line but i do think in general women in general could get better at complimenting their male partners in heterosexual relationships i think for whatever reason like we think that you're supposed to like tease a lot and you know and

criticize with love i think i think a lot of men out there are starving for compliments and validation from their partners. And they don't feel like they can say it because I don't want to be told they're a pussy or whatever or things like that. So it goes a long way just to make your guy feel important and valued and they do good things and you really appreciate to make them feel good. And it just goes so far, I think. Right. And you think I should focus on more physical compliments? Because I definitely compliment Han based on how he treats me.

I definitely do that. But maybe the physical will make him feel good about himself. Sure. Anything. Further that. Look, anything that you make a list of all the things you like about him and then, you know, take the time to let him know that, you know, sprinkle it in throughout, you know, your time together.

Yeah, that is a good idea because I feel like I've kind of been, I mean, not only overthinking, but focusing on the negative aspects instead of like just being gracious for all the things that I do like about him for sure. So that is a good idea. Yeah. It goes a long way. And then it allows people to be far more receptive to feedback because then I think it comes, then it feels like it's coming from a place of love because you're getting so much support

from this person as opposed to like, what do you hate about me now? You know, what else isn't good enough with me? You know? Yeah, definitely. Well, that's super helpful. Thank you so much. Yeah. And in the meantime, just take it slow.

It's only been two months. Stay present. Enjoy it. Get to know him. You do not have to decide if he's your life partner anytime soon. Yeah, I always do that. I always jump to... And my mom tells me the same thing.

You're looking at the whole entire future instead of just enjoying the present moment. Yeah. I mean, and I'm in therapy. I'm working through that. But yeah, I think just enjoying the moment, enjoying being treated well is what I'll focus on. There you go. All right. Well, good luck.

Keep us posted. And good for you for trying out a different path. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate you guys. All right. Likewise. Take care. Thanks. All right out a different path. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate you guys. All right. Likewise. Take care.

Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send those questions at asknickatthevowelfiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.