The Viall Files - E617 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 10

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

Welcome back to The Viall Files! Today we have another special “where are they now” update show where we give you updates from our past callers to see what’s happened in their situations and relationships since appearing on the show.  We bring on our first caller who had a pattern of dates ending abruptly after blowjobs. We advised her to take more time in order to get to know her dates before hooking up. She recently went on a first date, so we find out how it went and if she was able to be more selfish in the bedroom. Our second caller was interested in a girl who kept flaking. We learn if she’s taken our advice of leaning back and letting her reach out, and if their relationship has progressed beyond noncommittal texts. Our third caller was in love with two guys. She had an emotional connection with one and a sexual chemistry with the other. We find out if she’s still acting on her f boy tendencies or if she’s finally chosen a guy to commit to.  We also have some written updates - Our caller who had a failed third attempt at a father figure, our caller who wasn’t sure if it was a deal breaker that her hinge date was allergic to her dog, and our caller who was having trouble with her brother-in-law.  To catch up on all of these callers original questions please see the show numbers:   Original Episode numbers for callers: Episode Number: 582 Ask Nick - Blowjobs Are Ending My Dates Episode Number 578 Going Deeper - Vanderpump Finale, Prenups, Met Gala and Ronny Woo Episode Number 589 Ask Nick - My Husband Isn’t Empathetic   Original Episode numbers for written updates: Episode Number: 566 Ask Nick - My BFF Flirts With My Husband Episode Number: 523 Going Deeper with Dr. Maya Shankar - Keeping New Year’s Resolutions With Science  Episode Number: 600 Going Deeper with Justin Long - Plus Wedding Updates, Harry & Meghan Drama and Bebe Rexha Trauma  “As inconvenient as people find boundaries, they find them equally as attractive.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.fm  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store. Android User? Listen here: https://www.onamp.com/  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files update special edition what's going on for all you uh people who haven't signed up for vile files plus yet there's many more of these i thank you all for tuning in to the update special on classic it's one of our more popular shows and i just want you to know there are so many more of these behind vile files plus and it's free to sign up it's a cup of coffee you were like kind of on the verge of tears there but it was And it's free to sign up. It's a cup of coffee. You were like kind of on the verge of tears there. But it was like,

it's free to sign up. Free to sign up. I wrote that. It's so emotional. Anyways, enough about that. Truly, it's free to sign up. Go to vilefiles.com. So if you like this update,

if you're like thirsting for more, just go to vilefiles.com. There's a button on that first page and it says Vile Files Plus. You tap that, put in a little bit of information and away you will go. How many updates do we have behind Vile Files Plus. You tap that, put in a little bit of information and away you will go.

How many updates do we have behind Vile Files Plus now? This will be... We have just... Last week we released 10. Next week will be the 11th. 11 episodes of updates that you are missing out on.

That's a lot. That's a lot. And you guys are just dying for these updates. Anyway, I'll shut the fuck up. This is unrelated to necessarily relationships, but I sent this to my team. A smart guy, Eric Weinstein. He's just a cerebral man.

I've actually met him a few times. That's an awesome description. He's just a cerebral man. He really is. He's just a big brain. Big ol' noggin. Anyway, I saw a TikTok of him talking to some other guy in some podcast or whatever about life and he was talking about death and he's like you know most of us think we die when we 90

or 90 and if we're lucky enough to live that old old and then he said something that he said to his grandfather i presume when he was a young man which which speaks to how just genius this man is. He said, there is a last time, I want you, if you're listening, I just want you to think about this. This is just like thought for the soul today. There is a last time that you do everything and you don't know when that is. Let's just think about that. It really puts things in perspective of being in the moment. You just never know. And it could be big things. It could be like a trip that you took to Paris. You go to Paris and you're just like, I'll go. Yeah, I'll probably see it. But if it wasn't that long, I'll probably come back. And then you just realize that there's just other

places in the world you want to see. And then you just never go back to Paris. I don't know. And maybe that's fine. Maybe Paris wasn't that great. But how many times when you do something, do you really savor that moment and realize, this is the, I'll never be here again, or I'll never experience this again? We very rarely stay in the moment to really appreciate where we're at. stay in the moment, you know, to really appreciate where we're at only. And there's so many moments, there's so many little moments of life where you just that will be the last time you experience said thing. I think about that so much with dating and also in terms of this stage of life of like

how, you know, I hope to one day live with a partner and have our own family, but how right now I have roommates and about how as much as sometimes it is like frustrating to not have like the stability or control over a space, like coming home to like a roommate on the couch and like their warmth and love. Like it is so sad to think about there will be a last time I come home to a roommate who and we end up like giggling for 45 minutes about nothing. Yeah, that's a good point. I don't really miss roommates per se.

Same. But I do. There are aspects of having a roommate that kind of just chilling with your boys, talking about stuff, having our Madden tournaments. And I know technology, if we really wanted to, we could rally up the troops and we could play online it's just not the same yeah and for a bunch of degenerate mid-20 year olds who would bring over their big screen tvs and and have like multiple tvs of like just a bunch of like young adults playing video games just like i miss that it was my christmas morning you know and that will probably be the last time i ever experienced something like that and you

just never really in the moment you're just you never really think this will be the last time there always will be something more and to realize that there's so many moments in our life that will be the last time we do that thing. And we never really appreciate it in the moment. I don't know. Can I make a confession? I recently swapped out. I had like a dresser next to my bed that I was using as a nightstand, like since I moved out to L.A.

And like it's cheap and two of the drawers are completely broken. And so I only can use the marketplace. Oh, no, it just started out cheap. I bought it new, but it was cheap new. And so I only was using like two out of the four drawers and I finally found bedside tables so I could have one on either side and like, you know, we're growing up in that regard.

So I moved my nights or my dresser out and I had it sitting by the door and I just sat next to it and I had a moment with my dresser and I thanked it for being part of three different apartments and being next to me for different moments of life. There you go. And then I said moment with my dresser and I thanked it for being part of three different apartments and being next to me for different moments of life. There you go. And then I said goodbye to my dresser.

That's beautiful. That is nice. Yeah. But for all you single people out there who are complaining about being single and I know there's, it's a grind and I know dating sucks, but it's life. What makes life so good is the shit. It just is. And if it was always sunny,

I don't know, I guess I really like it when it's always sunny. Yeah, it's like we live in LA. That's the premise. No, but I mean, for even LA weather, it's been gloomy most of the summer. I left LA for about three weeks, came back, completely different weather. It's now hot and sunny. I'm loving it. It's great. I appreciate it more. You know, there is something to be said

about, you know, it's the highs aren't as good without the lows. It is, it is true. So you are going to miss someday the independence and the freedom of your singleness and your ability to fuck around and meet interesting people and have first kisses and lose your mind over completely average people. There's beauty in that. And it's kind of fun. And it's kind of wild and it's chaotic and we talk about toxic stimulation all the time and there's a reason why I really dig to do it because it is a little messy and fun.

So, you know, don't be afraid to appreciate it from time to time. Anywho, do we have an update before we get to our callers? We do. Okay. We. Are you happy to be in paris we um i prefer the midwest voice julie can you read it in a julie voice please i'm so sorry to the listeners at home okay sorry how did she get named julie yeah she was this character that i came up with

years ago i like filmed a sketch of her she had a resurgence during covid because it was like having to homeschool her kids we want i want more character work out of you okay that is this is a little bit of can i provide the context in my normal voice this is a one-on-one this is like a coaching opportunity that we're just having in front of everyone i'm just looking at my hand i'd like to see you amanda obviously invests a lot in improv, whatever the fuck it's called. Total fuckery with other adults who are silly gooses. It's great. I find it to be an investment in the show.

You have a theatrical background. We have yet to really tap into that. And it's been like two years now and how many have you worked for me we're coming up on three here nick don't shortchange what the fuck do i know like you know anyway welcome i would like to see more character work okay great this could be an emmy award winning podcast it could if we tried hard enough if we'd yeah so do that real no i don't i don't think so i was like are the emmys adding a podcasting category although i will say not in like a vile file specific means

i think there needs to be a podcast award show i think that's like there is isn't there one we've been nominated before a people's choice you mean one that people care about yeah that's exactly what i mean like i mean i'm talking like i think we could surpass the tonys no disrespect to the community but i think we could survive the podcast or arts could be a part of the egots yes yes you got p you got p you got p gots you got a p got okay do you remember megan i don't i can't i can't hear you can I provide the context in a normal voice sure okay well and I'll read the update in a in the Julie voice but that just for preference

our our reader doesn't sound like this okay all right so then I'll just speak like Julie now okay great sounds good we're just working yeah I I can't hear you it's a great day of my life what do you my god you guys so do you remember Megan? She was on episode 566.

She was caller number two. And she said that she had a failed third attempt at a father figure. Oh, I do. Yeah. And so this guy had recently ended things with her mom. And all of a sudden he's posting on Facebook. He's like, I'm in a new relationship. He had some financial skeletons in his closet.

And so I believe your advice was to maybe draft up a letter, put down her thoughts and just kind of figure out, you know, what she wanted to say. How was that? Yeah. Do you like that? I loved the sass from Julie at the end. Yeah.

She's the sassy lady. All right. So Megan says, life has been pretty crazy since we last chatted, but as promised, I wanted to- I'm hearing Allie. Am I supposed to keep going? Yeah. Okay.

I was on episode 566 and had the stepdad issues for context. Since chatting with you, my partner and I bought our first home and have booked a trip to Europe this summer. So exciting. Part of the big takeaway from my time with you guys was to draft up a letter to my stepdad explaining how I was feeling about everything since he posted about his new relationship and it had come out that he had a litany of financial skeletons that he hid from my mom and us as a family. As I began to work on my letter, new information and dramas kept unfolding and as a result, I never actually ended up finishing it.

Instead, my frustration and hurt continued to grow as I heard how he was talking to my mom and the continued lack of honesty towards us as a family. Turns out, wait for it, he recently withdrew and spent my mom's tax return

without her knowledge from an account that he was supposed to close. He had made several bad investments on my behalf as my financial advisor that was costing me hundreds of dollars a month and claimed to not know about it. Had me collecting his air miles on my personal credit card for years without my knowledge. Wait, hold on. Had her collecting his air miles? So every time she spent on her card, it resulted in a mile for him, I think. Oh, that's so sneaky.

Yeah. How does one do that? Well, he helped me set this up as a 17-year-old kid. That's so fucked up. Yeah. You bet your ass he is. It's like you're getting the rewards. He's a bit's so fucked up. Yeah. You bet your ass. You're getting the rewards. He's a bit of a con artist.

Yeah. And best of all, chose the same small town that my mom, brother and I all live to move with his new family and start their life here. When we are bound to bump into them. I finally had a phone call with him to confront some of these issues. And he says he still hopes for a relationship with my brother and I, but my response to him was that I hoped for accountability and respect for us and our 12 years of history and feel like I never got that.

I told him that I don't know where to go from here because I am hurt and I can't trust him. Too much has happened and too much keeps happening that I don't believe he understands the damage he's done. The phone call ended in tears. I feel like I said what I needed to say, which of a sad update. I know. That's why I wish I wouldn't have had to read it in this voice. I think it brought some levity to a very sad story. I'm really sorry to Megan for that voice. Sometimes you just gotta let

people go. I think it's time to let them go. Megan. Well, and the fact that he's moving his new family to their small town, like, I'm just like, it doesn't feel like he cares about them, which has got to be so painful after 12 years of viewing him as a father figure.

Yeah, no, it sucks. I mean, I'm not, there's no, it sucks. But as we've, as we said in our intro moments earlier, life is hard. Bad things happen to all of us. You know, it's not a matter of if bad things are going to happen to us. It's just when. And even if that bad thing is, we just die. It's eventually,

we are going to deal with death and we're going to deal with sickness and we're going to deal with tragedy. It's just a matter of time not to get us all in a and in between some of those very you know finite and and tragic painful experiences there's a litany of all these other things that you know on some version we all have to deal with this is all to say like it's these are just i only say that because this is one of those situations with our writer inner you, you know, her title was like her third attempt at a dad kind of thing. It'd be very easy to, you know, let that self-pity come in. And justifiably so. She would be justified to feel sorry for herself in this situation.

But clearly this is a man who has proven time and time again that he's not interested in learning from his experiences. He's a survivor. He's a cockroach type of, you know, you know, there are people out there who they're just kind of willing to do whatever thing, anything they need to do to get by to better themselves. And unfortunately they can be charming and charismatic and they are not without having good qualities, you know? And so you are able to bond with these people. And the fact that, you know, he played a role as a father, it must be hurtful, but she can get through it. And she sounds like she's doing okay, you know? And I just think it's one of those situations at some point, and I'm glad she kind of didn't finish the letter and didn't send the letter.

It's like, sometimes you just have to give up on people, you know? She has to give up on him so that she doesn't give up on herself type of thing. This is going to sound almost morbid, but at some point I might lose some loved ones, some parents, you know, my parents, like I might lose my parents before I lose myself. I don't even like saying it, but like, I'm not going to go find a new dad or a new mom, you know? And so as an adult, she doesn't need to keep trying to find that father figure you know maybe the the male roles that play in her life are more than the partner or friendship companionship and things like that so uh it just might be time for her to let go

you know as a rather than fighting that closure or trying to maintain a relationship and it sounds like she's on that page you know know, there's no point in healing. I want to commend her as well for moving forward in her own life. My partner and I bought our first home. We have a trip booked to Europe. Like how great for you. So many positive things

she has to focus on. Exactly. And I just I hope that she just just gives up on him and doesn't kind of wallow in the, you know, I could never find a dad, you know, like clearly her life has a lot of positives.

And as a result, she is experiencing, you know, so many positive things. She's also had some, a lot of negatives, right? But thankfully the positives have outweighed the negatives or allowed her to have this, what sounds like a fairly healthy relationship with her partner and a lot of positivity in her life. And I think at times we can, again, it's easy to focus on the negative. It's easy to not focus on the positive. It sounds like she is, but you can ruin a good thing by dwelling too much on the things that we don't get. And that can ruin the things that we do have. And so it sounds like she's doing a good job of whatever I am telling her to do. I also think as she has all these amazing events, whenever I go through a really bad time, it's interesting to me how it can taint other experiences in really sneaky ways of it being a subconscious thing.

And a question that has honestly changed my life that an old roommate once asked me was just like, when was another time you felt this way? When was the last time you felt this way? And so often it was like, oh, my. Like, that was like kind of, you know, it's like such a therapy hack of a question. Because if you find yourself getting really frustrated at your partner and you're like, I just feel like you're fucking me over and you don't care, you know. And then it's like, wait, no, I'm talking to my stepdad right now or like whoever it is. And then it's like, wait, no, I'm talking to my stepdad right now or like whoever it is. And so I feel like also just for Megan, like as she like kind of moves through this, in addition to the times where it's like you're consciously thinking about him, like knowing that it might also like you might be subconsciously like having some of that energy creep in, which is so normal. Yeah.

It would be normal for her to not trust people. You know, I mean, like there's so many probably situations in which she just trusted this guy. Only did I realize that she was being screwed over or manipulated and lied to. And I can fuck with you, you know? Totally. What an update. Yeah. Well, let's get to our colors.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions Welcome back, Liz! How's it going? It's going great. How are you? Doing well. Glad to be talking with you again. You know what? Let's just play a quick clip for our audience to remind them of your story and why you called in the first place, the advice we gave, and then we'll get an update on where things are now. Blowjobs are ending my dates. Okay. Please elaborate. It's happened three times now,

three different guys. All right. So walk me through these dates. Sure. So the first one, I guess, went into going down on. Probably after a minute at most, he finished from that. He said, and I quote, I'm going to go wash my wiener, took a shower alone, came back and wanted to go to sleep immediately. New guy, again, second date, go to dinner. He kind of invites himself over to my house. And I was like, all right, confidence. And he he started out very generous. So this was a little bit different. He was very generous to me.

So I was like, I'll return the favor. Same thing. He completes from that, proceeds immediately to go into my bathroom, wipe himself down with my nice hand towel. He puts it back in the ring and then he comes back and same thing is ready for bed and then leaves in the morning. How many how many dates had you been on with this guy? This was the second as well. OK, and then and then another guy. Yes. When he was driving me back to my car at the end of the night,

he initiated making out and he like was getting very excited already in the car. And I was like, you're welcome to come back to my apartment so that we don't have to do this in the car. I was like, I haven't hooked up with anyone in a little while. This could be like a fun one night thing, whatever. Very quickly, all of his clothes are off. He's completely naked. Literally all of mine are on. I've not taken off one article of clothing. So I, I'm being very generous. Same thing after, after a long, like a long blow job, he finishes, he collapses on the bed. I lie there for a little bit. And I'm this close to saying, if you're not even going to attempt to touch me, I think you should go.

And then he goes, I think I should probably go back to my place because I don't really sleep well next to other people. And I was like, yeah, I think you should. And then I never heard from him. Okay. I'm not trying to shame sex. And I'm not trying to shame anyone who wants to hook up. I just think for you, you would be better served to, if you want to go on dates and hook up on

the first, second date, I think you need just to be fair to yourself and recognize you need to have the lowest of expectations of these guys. And so with that being said, be more selfish. If you are going to hook up on the first or second date, stop giving blowjobs without getting some, without, you know, like it's the blowjob should be the reward. And you can have some fun with it. Be like, I don't, you know, like, nah, I'm not making a joke. Like I know how y'all guys are.

You think you get a fucking blowjob and you're fucking done. You're like, nah, I'm like, if I'm, I ain't hooking up without getting mine, you know? And honestly honestly i'm curious i think i think we need to call out men more often when it comes to like hookup culture i think if we're going to be in participating hookup culture we need to at least start having conversations before we're hooking up because now it's like i'm willing to bet when you go on these dates there's just a lot of like awkwardness and but like these fucking guys are taking off their clothes or it's just like you know let's go up to my place and we'll turn on the tv and we'll start making out but there's very little conversations about expectations or what each other's each other likes and expectations around like i expect to get off you. Here's how I like things.

And I know that might be awkward, but if you can take your clothes off and share fluids, I think we need to start having these conversations because we're just going to continue to be disappointed over and over again if we don't make some changes. I really think we just need to start holding these men more accountable for their awkward and inappropriate behavior. And then, you know, and your final gift to these guys that you end up rejecting, it may give them a note to say, like, talk less to your, get less advice from your guy friends and more advice from your girlfriends. Don't give strange men the benefit of the doubt. From personal experience, the anxiety of putting the boundary down even in the moment and how terrifying that feels is still 10 times bigger better than like

the pit in your stomach and the guilt the next day of why the fuck did i hook up with him i actually didn't want to totally yeah and just remember on these dates don't give strange men the benefit of the doubt yes i mean like that's gonna we're gonna make that a tiktok all right we're back uh in your own words i know yeah i know we played the update but why don't you just kind of summarize why you called in what we said what'd you do with that information where are we now uh so recently i had gone on this third date that was essentially ended by giving like you said the evil blowjob. The blowjobs were ruining your dates. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. And it had happened three times. And I was just feeling very confused and frustrated by the temperature of the dating culture that I was finding myself in. And I think the cusp of the advice that you gave me was that if I'm going to engage in hookup culture, just in general, that I need to take responsibility for the role that I have been playing and putting myself in these situations and not to expect these men who are essentially strangers to invest in me and be willing to, I guess, put in as much effort as I've been putting in. And so that information, I think, was very enlightening and eye-opening for me. And I realized after that conversation and listening to it back, I have been a big part in these situations.

And that because I really don't know these people, I am just falling into this pattern and I don't want to do that anymore. So since talking to you, I think I've been much more intentional about whom I give my time to and not putting myself in those situations with these people that I don't know. And it's been really helpful. It's been good. That's awesome. It's great to hear. Yeah, I mean, it's tough because it's not like we're not trying to let, in your case, men off the hook, right? And we're not saying that for anyone who participates in hookup culture that they shouldn't be respectful and courteous and acknowledge that you are putting yourself and whoever you are participating with in a kind of vulnerable situation. But that's like a utopian world to expect everyone to, you know, act that way. And so, yeah, it's tough to count on strangers to take care of you emotionally, right? Because that was kind of, it's like, hey, I'm going to hook up. And it was the emotional aftermath that you were feeling as a result of some of these men not

living up to whatever expectations you had of them in these very vulnerable situations. So it's awesome to hear that things have been better. But do you have any specific examples of a dating situation where you chose, like, you came to that fork in the road and you chose a new path and how that felt or how did it all play out and what was the aftermath? Like, you know, because it's one thing for me to say, hey, you should try to this, but those are tough conversations to have with people. And I know we talked about, hey, if you're going to participate in hookup culture, be upfront with what you expect to get and have your needs met. Have you're going to participate in hookup culture, be upfront with what you expect to get and have your needs met. Have you ever gotten to that situation yet? Or do you have any specific

stories of what's changed just for the people listening who might push back on what I'm saying? It's like, oh, well, sure, Nick, but easier said than done and yada, yada, yada. Yeah, totally. So the night of the call that I had with you guys, I actually had a first hinge date. And it was the first date that I had been on since the last really bad blowjob ending date that I talked about on the show. From what I thought, this guy had some potential. He was cute, witty via messaging. potential. He was cute, witty via messaging. And if you can believe it, he was also very weird. And this date was also very bad. But it had a totally different ending than it could have because of the advice that I received. He first of all was 40 minutes late. I would have left,

but I had gone out of my way. He said he fell asleep and it was we were meeting at 8 30 um he put his non-alcoholic but very expensive drink on my tab and then refused to pay me for like weeks I had to follow up with him like four times I finally had my friend draft a text that was full of a bunch of expletives and he's helped me and then he also told me this crazy story about how he was still in really close contact with his most recent situationship, which I know is a big no on this show. And he found out that this girl was also secretly sleeping with his roommate from a secret, creepy magazine cutout letter message that was hand-delivered to his sister's house. I don't know. But it was very weird. It was this crazy date. And I was just sitting there with this internal monologue like,

where am I? What am I doing? And then he said, there's this really great bar, like a five-minute drive away. Do you want to grab a second drink? And I panicked and was like, second drink. And I panicked and was like, sure. And I went to my car and I thought, I don't want to do that. And I heard Ali's voice in my head say, like the awkwardness of saying no in the moment. It's so much better than the regret the next day. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Yeah. I heard that. So I called him from my car and I said, you know, I, I just checked my, my emails and I totally forgot that I scheduled a really early doctor's appointment tomorrow. So I'm going to go home, but have a good night. And, uh, and I, when I got myself rise and it was the best ending to the night ever. That's awesome. It was great. Yeah. And maybe in the past, you might have gone and got that second drink. And then he would have propositioned you to come home with him or vice versa. And, you know, you might have had to suck a dick you didn't want to suck. No.

Lord. Yeah, maybe. Exactly. But yeah, you know. Well, good for you. Yeah. And I'm assuming that felt a little empowering and also probably not as scary as you anticipated.

Nope. I mean, I was like nervous making the phone call. Obviously I told a little white lie to protect his ego. But yeah, afterwards I was like, wow, I'm a superhero. That was, that felt great. No, good for you. I did what I want to do. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Crazy how, how, you know, how simple it can be, but how, how challenging it can feel in the moment. But I think you're a great example of like just what, what hookup culture and dating culture has turned us into where sex has become this kind of expected part of just a basic date kind of situation. And the obligation of the feelings of obligations that come with it, that's a horrible feeling, but good for you for changing course. There's going to be

plenty of bad dates out there, so they don't all deserve a blowjob. Exactly. Yeah. More recently, I'm not saying this gentleman anymore, but I saw this guy for about a month and it just gave me hope because I was very excited for the time being. And for the first several dates, it was simply like getting drinks. Like on the first date, we didn't so much as touch. And I was very like getting drinks. Like on the first date, we didn't so much as touch. And I was very intentional about it.

And I think that that was very helpful. Just everything that we had talked about and going into it knowing, like, these are my boundaries. I'm not crossing them. I did give him hand sanitizer eventually when the time came. I haven't used your hand washing line yet, but it's in there. Hand sanitizer is pretty good. Well, good for you.

This is great to hear. Hopefully, more of the same going forward. And if you are lucky enough to meet someone you start really bonding with, yeah, slow it down. The more I hear people's stories, you don't have to be a conservative person per se or even have conservative values. you know you don't have to be a conservative person per se or even have conservative values but i just do think that we we you know regardless of your beliefs like sex is always going to be a powerful thing it's confusing and the stronger your emotional connection is before you ever participate uh in any type of physical activity is is makes it a better situation just it just does and and it allows for more room for error in the physical department if things could get

awkward or uncomfortable so there is no downside to building that rapport or building that emotional connection and if you can you know abstain, I think everyone, especially if they like someone is doing themselves a favor. And, you know, if you, if you give into the moment, you give it in the moment. But I think there's very little downside to, to waiting things out longer than we're used to these days. I agree.

Awesome. Well, we appreciate the update. Keep us posted on your new kind of dating journey. You know, more, I think really stories like this are very helpful to people who listen. Totally. I will. Awesome. All right.

Well, take care. Thank you again. And we'll talk soon. Okay. Thank you, Nick. All right. Bye-bye. Bye.

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It was from our texting office hours caller from episode 523, which was our episode of Going Deeper with Dr. Maya Shunker. And she called in for texting office hours to say that she had recently matched with a guy on Hinge who was extremely allergic to dogs and she had a dog. And so she wasn't sure if this was like a complete deal breaker or if she should still give this guy a chance. And so she gave us a little. He was a little prickly, wasn't he? Yeah.

In addition to being allergic to dogs. Yeah. You have a great memory. Yeah, he was. Because it seemed also like from my recollection of the call and how I remember interpreting it when she called in, it was like, this feels like a lot of, you know, we're talking a lot of logistics for someone who just matched with each

other. Like, it just feels like, why don't we just see if we like each other first? But I guess inherently, if it is going to be a deal breaker, good to know up front. But we have a little update on our dating life. Okay. Hi, Nick and household. Per Nick's advice, I went on a date with the guy who was allergic to dogs to get myself back out in the dating scene and feel comfortable. The date wasn't that bad, but I did not feel a spark or feel the want to go back out with the guy. During the date, he mentioned a few times how he was a really clean guy and he has issues with people who are late or aren't organized. I was pretty turned off by this, knowing that I have some factors going against us and he wouldn't be able to hang out with my dog. Anyway, I ended it after a few days and he seemed shocked, but I didn't want to waste either of our time.

Looking ahead, I met a guy about three weeks ago while I was out and we instantly connected. We hooked up the first night and he quickly was saying how he wanted to see me again. He texted me almost immediately saying how great it was to see me, etc. The issue is that he lives two hours from my city for work. He visits my city a lot as his friends and family still live here, so I wasn't too concerned by the distance at first. Right after we met, I left to go back to my hometown for two weeks for weddings and we texted a lot and FaceTime. It was all going well and we met up this past weekend while we were out and had an amazing time. Again, he was saying how he was nervous to FaceTime and was so happy that we did and that he was wanting to spend time together once I am back in town constantly. He spent the

night and after hooking up, we both opened up and talked more honestly about our pasts and were asking more questions about my friends, family and whatnot. Again, he left to go back to his friend's apartment. He was saying how happy he was that we were together and was loosely making plans. The thing is that we were both traveling for the next three weeks between weddings, work, and the 4th of July weekend. I'm nervous that things are going to fizzle out because we aren't physically together, and I'm unsure of what to do to continue things and stay excited about each other for the next three weeks.

We text somewhat consistently, but it feels like things are slowing down. of what to do to continue things and stay excited about each other for the next three weeks we text somewhat consistently but it feels like things are slowing down i'd love some help on next steps and what to do thanks i don't know if there's anything to do to keep the spark alive on you you did a long distance relationship well yeah but like it's usually the distance that keeps things exciting to be honest it's missing each other you know i had a situation where this particular person at the time i i pursued for a while actually and then finally we started hanging out and then like we i went home for christmas and stuff we lost that momentum and we you know this you know we kind of we found it again or whatever. But for me, I just kind of told myself that, you know, is that kind of internal?

Like, maybe this isn't my person. In those situations, I think the distance and the missing would make you kind of long for someone. I guess what I'm saying is sometimes you just have to let it play out. You know, I don't think there's some magic. Okay. All right. First, do this. Step two. now do this.

You're not trying to manipulate someone into finding a connection with you. Also, dear writer-inner, you might be psyching yourself out. Sounds like you both had a lot going on. And with a lot going on, you might be reaching out to each other less. Sometimes boredom gives people a false sense of mutual excitement because you kind of just don't have anything better to do. You're just sitting in your hotel room on work trips feeling, I don't know, I got my work done. I don't know, what's Jenny doing? But when you're sent off fireworks or meeting family, it's the summer,

you're out there, you're traveling with work. It's not that you've lost excitement. You just got to have other things going on. So let it play out. See where it goes. Keep being yourself. Don't change what seems to be working. And just because things have started to slow down doesn't mean you need to adjust. It maybe just means, you know, maybe it's not as mutual as you hoped it would be, but also just kind of check in. You can just say, you know, maybe it's not as mutual as you hoped it would be, but also just kind of check in. You can just say, you know, hey, looking forward to seeing you. At some point, you get to say, like, you know, it seems like maybe we've slowed down a little bit. You know, it's like one of those things, like, usually, you know, and if it has, you're probably going to get to, like, oh, no, I've just been busy and shit like that. But just always remember, if they want to see you,

they will. You know, if they are missing you, they'll go out remember, if they want to see you, they will. If they are missing you, they'll go out of their way to try to see you. As hard as it is to realize that maybe they aren't missing you and they're not excited about you, it's just part of dating. Listen, you met a stranger. You had a good couple first weeks. The sex sounds like the sex was good. You both enjoyed it. Listen, hook up on the first date. But as we've talked about, it comes with risks of fucking with your emotions and fucking with your perception of what is actually a real connection versus like, that was some really good sex. I want to do it again. So I would just say, let it play out. Try to enjoy each other. If he's not your boyfriend, stop acting like you're in a relationship.

Stay on the apps. You don't even have to go out there and start swiping. Just mentally tell yourself, I'm still independent. I'm still single. I'm still not in a relationship. And I'm still not in a relationship and I can still court this guy and I can still invest in this person without completely mentally taking myself off the market, you know, because that matters. You know, when you we meet someone, we get excited. So like, well, I'm going to focus all my attention on them. And I just, you know, it's like I'm going to reward them with my loyalty because I want to show them like how great of a partner I can be. And it's just like, well, you're not there yet. So mentally just tell yours, you don't even have to tell them anything. You don't have to like check in with them. You just tell yourself until they are my boyfriend, I'm going to stay open. I'm going to keep my options open. I'm going to

be willing to meet someone else. And that energy, I honestly think will translate into these people you're dating and not feeling so confident and so secure that you're available whenever they want and need. or setting mutual expectations of what they expect of each other, my guess is that she has, as an individual, kind of decided that she's off the market and that she is fully focused on seeing where this relationship goes. I think in the early stages of dating, you can see where something with someone goes. You can learn about them. You can start building a connection, all while still keeping yourself open to meeting new people. And at whatever point you guys mute you to sit down and define a relationship, if you come to some common ground, then you can adjust your behavior, but don't adjust your behavior without

having a conversation with them first. So that would be my two cents. Let me know if it works or helps. Hang in there, girl. It's hard. It's like when you feel the relief and you're like, oh, I did it. I found the person. I don't have to deal with the bullshit of the apps anymore. And then it's like, wait, nope. It actually is a much longer process

to verifying that it is the person. And it does involves a lot less like actual vetting than I think it does. And a lot more just like sitting back and seeing how they behave. And also, it sounds like she, without saying it directly,

had disappointment in the fact that he wouldn't spend the night after they hooked up. Am I interpreting that correctly? She kept saying, again, he went and slept at his buddy's or something like that. He spent the night and after hooking up, we both opened up and talked more honestly about our past. And then it was like, again, after he left to go back to his friend's apartment, he was saying how happy he was that we were together. Seems like he spent the night. I think he maybe went back to his buddies in the day. I think it's and the again is coming from the like he was saying how happy he was making loose plans, showing like enthusiasm.

OK, all right. I thought there was some disappointment. They didn't spend the night. Got it. So that doesn't seem to be true. But if there if that were the case, I would say don't hook up with people unless you're confident that they will. If you have desires or expectations around what hooking up with someone, what in addition to hooking up with them, how it all plays out, what the vibe you want, are they going to spend the night or are you going to cuddle?

What do you hope happens after you have sex? You're allowed to spend the night? Are you going to cuddle? What do you hope happens after you have sex? You're allowed to have expectations. It's good that you have expectations. You should all have expectations. And if you're not clear what those expectations are mutually, that might be a good personal barometer of whether maybe you should be intimate or not. Again, fuck whoever you want to fuck. I'm not here to judge. But the less expectations you have solidified before you make any decisions, the more likely you will be disappointed afterwards because you are hoping that your expectations will be met rather than having some sort of conversation and an expectation that the person expects to meet those expectations. So navigating hookup culture. Anyways, next caller.

Welcome back, Maggie. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good, good, good to be with you again. Why don't you go ahead for our audience, give us a quick update on why you originally called, what was the advice we gave, and then where are we now? Okay, so basically, I was talking to this girl, and we had gone on one date, and then I was more emotionally invested in it than she was, and I was just kind of waiting for that next date to come, but she kept on flaking on me, and it just never ended up working out. So your advice to me was to kind of let her reach out to me and rather than me reaching out to her and see if she did. There was a lot of times where I had kind of displayed my insecurities very early on and you told me to stop doing that. Like basically let her figure that out on her own.

Sure. Well, let's, to remind our audience a little bit more, let's play a quick clip from the original call, the advice we gave, and then we'll get an update. Someone that I've been interested in is constantly flaking on me, and I don't know if I should give them another shot or just call it quits. It's one of the first people that I've been really talking to since my last breakup. And I've gone on dates since then. But then I just think about this person over and over again. I don't know. She offers more than my ex did. So I think that pulls me in a little bit.

Your ex is not a bar. Your ex is an example of someone that doesn't work for you. So for me, it's like you should learn all the things that you did not like from your ex, but also set standards for yourself. What do you want in the next person and not necessarily use the last person as like the lowest comment, like the lowest bar that they just need to jump that bar because your ex could have just been like a really shitty person or like just someone that really was a horrible fit for you. And I think like when you're dating, it's more about like, this is what I want in this person. What are my sort of non-negotiables? And if someone doesn't reach those, you move on.

How many dates have you been on with her? Just one. Just one. We plan to hang out and then something comes up and then we never reschedule it. Okay. Should I keep putting my time into this person and like wanting to make an effort to meet with them again or should i just probably quit and move on and so i didn't know how to

see where she stood in my gut reading well let's keep let's keep going yeah so go ahead i started with the just curious just curious if you have any interest in still talking getting to know each other i know it's hard with our schedules and, but just wanted to see where your head's at. Absolutely no pressure either way. Sorry, yes, I do, but I understand it hasn't been very fair to you. I had a terrible week at work and had to work 80 hours, so I wasn't really able to put my attention on my phone or anything. You know she's busy.

If nothing else, she might be just a really nice, wonderful person that's just too busy to prioritize you. You already got out of a relationship where you didn't feel prioritized. So I would caution you to really invest in someone who just might not have the time for you. But either way, you've made it clear, let her pursue you and let her reach out to you and not just check in. You can respond, but you don't have to ask her how she's feeling. You don't have to ask her. Stop asking her if you're annoying her. Just respond to her.

Give her the energy, I guess. Maybe we're kind of contradicting ourselves, but I would let her reach out to you and then let her make a plan. And I don't think you need to cut her off or anything. She's not your girlfriend. You're not even in a situationship with her. There's someone you went on a date with. Yeah, one date.

Get back on the app, start dating. And if she has an interest in you, she'll feel that energy of you pulling away and she'll maybe check in and say, let's get out. And she'll carve out some time for you. Know your worth. Know you're amazing. Know you're hot.

Know you're just amazing of a person. And just, if this isn't working for you, you bow out gracefully, you know, and you kind of move on to the next person. This person could very well be the one for you and like reappear later on. But to hold on to that energy is like so like it's like holding your breath and it's exhausting, right? You're just like like every day you check your phone. Did she text me?

And it's just like, no, you shouldn't feel that way. You should have a text if this person was into you. You need to let her come around and you need to stop chasing her all right well we are back so after we spoke what did you what did you implement and where are we where are we at now so after we spoke um i decided obviously not to reach out to her and she reached out to me that night it was the same thing like the conversation really didn't go anywhere she we talked for a little bit and then she go like went ghost for a few days and by a few days I mean like weeks okay um and then we talked a little more we've talked like a little more here and there but I've kind of put that to the

back burner and um started going on more dates and really like putting myself out there because i was really focused on her and i was good for you i stopped dating because of it it's been a journey i got ghosted twice still trying i have to keep going i've stopped apologizing so much good for you that's like my biggest goal was to stop apologizing. That's awesome. Yeah. And it'll take some time. Are we completely done with the original gal?

I still like to respond to her when she answers or when she reaches out to me, but I don't really think it's going to go anywhere. Why do you still respond? I don't know. Part of me hopes that it would go somewhere, but. That's fair. The next time she responds, let's, the low stakes here with her, right? Let's just maybe experiment. Let's try something new.

If she reaches out next time and, and the nicest possible way to say, Hey, you know, it's nice to hear from you, but to be honest, like it, it doesn't make much sense for,

for us to talk anymore. You know, like I really liked you and you know, it's, it's no big deal. Obviously you didn't feel the same way, but every time you randomly text me, it just it puts me back a little bit. So, you know, unless something's drastically show her or anyone else in the future that you're not just some person that they can reach out to whenever they feel like it. And then you'll always respond. I liked what Ronnie said. He said, you know, mimic the behavior that you want in a

relationship. So I love that in general, that you are quick to respond to people you want to talk to and that you don't play the same game of like, oh, well, they waited forever to text me. I'm going to wait forever to text them. That being said, if you notice a pattern of people just kind of coming in and out without any consistency, you don't owe them the you're always available, that they can just pop in and leave and pop in and leave. So it doesn't do you any good in those situations to like wait two days just because they waited two weeks like they might not even notice but what they will notice is you saying hey listen like just don't you know a lot of people out there are just kind of used to that

kind of keeping tabs like building a roster you know just like having people around and people are nowadays when it comes to dating they're not even like they might even tell themselves they're looking for someone or maybe they're telling themselves i'm not looking for a relationship right now and so but they still go out and date because of what they want to do is kind of collect people they can reach out to when they're feeling bored and lonely and they want some validation and for all you know to her you're just serving as this like person i can just like oh like what's maggie doing you know like hey her, you're just serving as this person I can just like, oh, what's Maggie doing? Hey. And then you write back and then whatever prompted her to feel like the need to reach out because maybe she was feeling not validated, but here you are quick

to respond. And then you give that sense of like, well, I'm still number one in her mind kind of thing. And so you got to stop being that kind of fix for people, you know? And so I think it would be good practice for you. Low stakes here. This relationship is going nowhere fast anyways. And be nice about it. I would say, hey, it's nice to hear from you. But honestly, unless I'm missing something, I just don't think it makes much sense for us to keep talking.

Okay. That's what I would say. And when you say that the other people have ghosted, what do you mean? You know, you went on a couple of dates and then what? So I went on a couple of dates and then things seemed to be going okay, but then they just stopped responding completely.

Okay. Unfortunately, that's just dating culture these days. It's not a you thing. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I do have a question though. Shoot.

The most recent person I can, I think it's like almost going like on the direction of like a situationship and I don't want it to go there. And I don't know if I have to like cut this person off completely to avoid that. Or if there's any way to like keep them in my life and like not make it complicated. Break down the situationship there.

And how did it start? Where are we at? Why do you think it's um well so we met on a dating app and then we talked for a bit and like after talking for a bit she was like well i'm not really like looking for anything serious i'm not looking for a relationship right now she has a lot to work out from like her past relationships and we ended up meeting like that that week and then this past weekend like we were just like friends like we said we were just going to be friends or whatever but then this past weekend she we went out together and then we ended up kissing and now i just like feel like getting complicated okay so why are you saying yes to dates with people who

are up front with their expectations that they're not looking for anything serious when you are well because originally it was like okay then we're just gonna like talk like get to know each other as friends and it was going fine until this weekend and then it just escalated to more than that fair enough um but you did match with this person out of a physical attractiveness on a dating app yeah yeah i did and i don't know like i also met like my one of my best friends from the app too so i think i was just like oh like that's not gonna happen again kind of thing but now it's like getting yeah i can understand the the confusion i'm not super familiar with

like lesbian culture and dating and i can understand how there might be some overlaps but in your case i think you just need to really get good at setting boundaries for yourself and also from a friend situation like what is what is kind of your friend rolodex look like are you hoping to meet new friends do you have a ton of friends like where like how would you assess your friend your friendships now right now so i have like a few close friends but i'm always looking for more friends like within the community that i can connect to because a lot of them are from like college or high school that like i just want friends that also will be able to understand like what i'm going through and be there for me kind of thing so it is nice to have friends that understand i i don't think there's anything wrong you know with you know okay you're

attracted to women so you go on and but you're also friends with women you have platonic women friends you have romantic women friends right all right fine so you go on dating apps and like you could meet both on a dating app all right that's fair but again you still you just have to get really good and probably much better at enforcing boundaries that's that. But again, you just have to get really good and probably much better at enforcing boundaries. That's your weak point. It's tough for you to stand up for yourself and it's tough for you to say no to yourself, right? So, all right. So this particular woman, she's like, hey, I'm not looking for anything serious. You're just like, okay, fair enough. Let's just, let's go hang out as friends well you really

need to be willing to speak if you feel like a vibe there then you have to communicate you know you could say hey listen maybe i'm crazy but like and i know you said you just want to be friends but i'm i'm i'm feeling a little chemistry or whatever it is i don't know what it was that made you think things were heating up but at that moment you need to you need to communicate that you need to say you need it you need to name it you need to put it out there and to say i just because you know i've i've had these situations in the past it gets complicated and i just felt like you know and especially if you're in a situation where the person who communicated they just want to be friends makes a move on you or the other one who's acting yeah yeah so that you got to say no hey hey hold

time out like i just you're you're a babe you're beautiful like don't get me wrong like i'm just as into this as you are but you said you don't look at anything serious and i'm not gonna go down this whole situationship path and like unless things have changed for you i think we're better off just not going there. There is no downside to saying that because you will only be more attractive to everyone. As inconvenient as people find boundaries, they find them equally as attractive. You know, they'll get annoyed by it and frustrated, but they're also like, you know, because when we limit our access to people, people just want more of it.

You know, like we want the things we can have. It's human nature. So think of it that way know, like we want the things we can have. It's human nature. So think of it this way. Don't be afraid of the rejection or whatever. The better you get good at it, the more attractive you will come across to people. It will come across as someone who knows what they want, who doesn't waste their time. And you don't even have to say those things. You'll show them through your action, you know, and you do it all very polite.

You just say, hey, you know, call that time out. It's just like, Oh, this is, you're hot. I want to do this. But like you did say this and unless things have changed, I just don't think we should go there. That simple. Okay. Well, I'm staying here this weekend, so I guess I have to do that sooner than later. Yeah. Well, and so what has happened physically with her anything or is it just all been kind of hard to read moments um no we've we've kissed multiple times oh you kissed multiple times okay it was like a couple of us were over at my house this weekend and then she stayed an extra night as well she slept over did you guys hook up no no okay but you didn't spend the night she spent the night yeah she did okay if you want and this weekend, we're going to, we have a pride crawl event, a bar crawl event this weekend.

So we're like, four of us are staying in a hotel and she's one of them. Who are the other two? One of my best friends and then her other friend. Is there any connection between the other two? Is this like a potential double date situation? No, no. Just friends. All right.

But she's already made comments about it. About what? Because she'll make comments that she wants to go find someone to kiss at Pride, but then doesn't want me to be jealous, but then also makes comments about kissing me at the end of the night. So I'm like, okay. All right. I don't know if you're trying to make me jealous or like-

Either way. I don't know. You need to stop trying to figure out these people and start communicating your boundaries. That's the takeaway you need to take from this call. Because if I were you right now, I would reach out to her and maybe you can even text it if you want and just say, hey, looking forward to this weekend. But can I be honest? Can we just be friends? Just because I know you're not looking for anything serious. And I think you're an amazing person. And I love

spending time with you. And I think we're just better off focusing on our friendship and leave it at that. Now, also, you need to be honest with yourself that you really want that. Because don't fucking say, hey, I want to be friends with someone. Well, in reality, you just have a crush on her. And then you're going to be moping around all weekend while she's looking for someone else to make out with because you've set a boundary of friendship. So what's going on in your head? I think I just have to cut it off now before it gets too involved.

And then I end up getting hurt because I don't want to lose her altogether either. I think the more calm you can be, and yeah, you just say, hey, I was thinking I'm looking forward to this weekend. I think we should just stop with the making out as much as I think it's great. You can throw the compliments. I think it's great, but you're not looking for, and just say,

you're not looking for anything serious and you say it like that because you want her to think like, yeah, you have no problem with her setting that boundary. It's not like, well, unless, unless things have changed, you know, like don't be fishing for a different answer. Just say, you said you don't want to think serious. So I want to respect your boundary and let's just, let's just not, because otherwise I don't want to risk our friendship and just leave it at that.

The hard part is hanging out with her this weekend and treating her like a friend and do not give in to those fucking moments. The more you can resist, the more power you have with any of these people. And my guess is that's why you feel like you're getting ghosted a lot because you're giving away your power so easily with these people and they can feel it. People feel that kind of energy. And when people feel like they're in more control, they have more power, they get less considerate and less thoughtful and they make kind of excuses for their own actions. And they're just like, what?

I mean, I told you that I just wanted to be friends or whatever. So your goal is to take your power back and all these interactions. And to do that is to simply remind people of the boundaries they set with you and enforce the boundaries that you set with them. And you do it very calm. Okay. All right. I definitely think I can do that. Yeah.

I know you can do that. It just might take a little bit of practice. It's a lot less scary than it feels. I promise. Yeah. I think the biggest thing is going to be holding my ground this weekend, but I'll do it. It's up to you. All right. You are aware of the emotional baggage it costs you when you don't respect your own boundaries you're sad you're depressed you feel bad about yourself you feel used you know so that that's on you you have to remind yourself of the cost it's like someone when they get to the point where i just don't want to be fucking hung over again i just i'm just not i don't it's not worth it i'm not gonna get fucked up tonight because i don't want to pay for it tomorrow well good luck we definitely want an update we want to

see if we want to see. I want to hold you accountable to the follow through. All right. I definitely will. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you. All right.

Take care. Thank you. All right. Bye bye. Bye. No matter what moves you made last year, TurboTax experts make them count. Did you say no to a big wedding and a lope at the county courthouse?

Well, that's a move. Did you go back to school and get your degree? That is a move. Did you relocate for a fresh start? That is literally a move. Maybe you moved into a houseboat instead of a house house, or switched gears from rideshare driving to video game streaming, or rode the stock market to the moon and back.

TurboTax experts make all your moves count, getting you every credit and deduction you deserve. Filing with 100% accuracy and getting your max refund guaranteed. Switch to TurboTax. Make your moves. We'll make them count. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live.

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Stream every episode of Traders now only on Peacock. We have our final update from episode 600 texting office hours. It was a couple. It was Sarah and Mark. And Sarah was having problems with Mark's brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of maybe her offering her feedback on her brother-in-law's life, his dating life.

It wasn't very well received. I totally remember that. Silent treatment from the brother-in-law. So I have an update from Sarah. She says, I ran into him being the brother-in-law. He then came over and acted like everything was normal. Didn't bring anything up. And then while Mark was putting our kids to bed, I asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. And the conversation went south pretty fast. So I do find it interesting that it goes south when Mark's not in the room, but that's my

own POV. Long story short, he told me he didn't read my text and he was still really upset with me. After a few minutes, I said I was feeling uncomfortable with the conversation. He ended up storming off, calling me a bitch and leaving. It was tough. The main thing he was saying was that at some point in the prior conversation, I had said, do you want my opinion? To which he said no. And then in his memory, I said, well, here it is anyways. Which just frankly isn't true but i

didn't push it too hard i just she offered her opinion at some point well it seems like basically she had asked in her recollection she had asked him do you want my opinion he had said no and then in his retelling of the story he said and then you just proceeded with it anyways and said well here it is anyways and she said well so i'm hearing that he accused her of saying well here it is anyways and it's my guess is this is like semantics yeah my guess is she didn't say well here it is anyways but my guess is she did in fact deliver said opinion regardless of him saying i'm not interested in the opinion she says i really feel confidently that i didn't say that so she's i think we're caught up on maybe that

phrase. But she said, if that's what you remember, then I'm not going to try to change your memory. And if I did say something similar to that or even alluded to that or she just gave her opinion or even just miscommunicated, I'm sorry. And then mentioned how in my text, I'm trying to be better at listening instead of talking. So

I think she handled it well. He then said I was lying, that I'm not a good person, and that's pretty much when I said I was feeling uncomfortable and the name-calling started. It felt hurtful in the moment, but I've been trying

to tell myself it's probably less about me and more about what is going on in his life. I'd love to have him in our life again, but the name-calling is a pretty hard boundary for me, so I'm giving myself space

for the situation for now. Thanks for checking in. Love the household so much. Yeah. Yeah. She shouldn't be. She needs to cut him off. I do.

I really want to applaud her for saying like she didn't try to change his memory. Her saying she apologizes if she did or even alluded to that. I think she handled it really well. Yeah. I think if my interpretation is correct, I think she could do a little better. And I think she's arguing with him over semantics and i think she probably knows that and again there's no excuse for his behavior in his language but you know maybe she just is sticking her nose where it's

just not appreciated you know and he just sounds like a guy who kind of, I think he's expecting just unquestioned loyalty from her because, you know, it's a sister-in-law. And, you know, she listens to this show. So on this show, we pride ourselves in being good friends, even if being a good friend means sometimes upsetting your friends. Now, that's a fine line, you know, and we can get that wrong sometimes. But, you know, right now, he is not interested in hearing anything other than praise or support.

And I think she needs to recognize that and accept that because if someone's not interested in hearing your feedback, you're wasting your breath offering it to them. As a friend, you could say, hey, listen, I know you're not interested in hearing my opinion, but at the same time, I have a strong opinion about this, so we can agree to disagree and not talk about it, but I'm just not going to support your actions with this. We all have a right to do that.

But other than that, like you don't offer your opinion when it's not welcome, you know, because you are only going to create more conflict. And if nothing else, maybe that's a lesson here where, because I'd be, I'm willing to bet while she didn't say that she just proceeded to offer the opinion he wasn't welcome to receiving. And he just took that as disrespect either way it sounds like he sucks and and in a lot of ways and uh this relationship that ended because this is all was this was based off of some relationship he ended and like she didn't

take his side i'm i'm starting to understand why you know that maybe he's the reason why the relationship went south because he sounds a bit reactive. Don't call your sister-in-law a bitch. Don't call anyone a bitch. Yeah. I mean, your buddies, I guess. But yeah, just don't be reactive. Don't be name-calling.

Anyways, set those boundaries for yourself. You know, maybe just take a step back and being the advice giver in this relationship. If in the long term she still hopes to salvage this relationship, maybe the best that she can have with her brother is being supportive to him in situations in which she agrees with offering him support. And then in situations in which she doesn't agree with him, just mind your business. We are faced with choices. You know, if sometimes to have relationships with people, we have to make certain choices and sacrifices, even if those sacrifices means I don't get to say everything I want to say, which means you're just not going to be that close. You're not, they're not going to be your ride or die. They're not going to be the type of friend that you share everything with. You know, it's, this is about maintaining a civil relationship with someone that is ultimately family anyways next caller

welcome back abby how's it going hi nick how are you i'm doing so good great i'm doing well as uh as well are you still a fuck boy i'm just kidding uh last time we spoke that you you were juggling a couple men metaphorically maybe you well maybe you're you were juggling a couple men metaphorically. Maybe you, well, maybe you're doing some juggling as well. I don't know. Um, yeah, for the listeners, I need you to know Nick was wiggling his fingers. I think tickling balls. Yeah.

Um, so you had, uh, you had a guy that, well, in your words, just remind the audience a quick synopsis of why you called. Yeah. So I was stuck between two guys. One I had more of an emotional connection with, and one I had more sexual chemistry with. And as we dived into it, the guy that I had more of an emotional connection with wasn't as open to using toys and stuff in the bedroom. He was a little mr mr missionary mr missionary no vibrator man yeah and then we had sexy man but he was long distance okay yeah so just so you know i've officially hung up my fuck boy title you have

all right well before we get into that detail let's play a quick clip from your original call to just fully bring people up to speed. Relive the glory days. Yeah, there you go. I'm in love with two guys and need help choosing between emotional connection and sexual chemistry. Okay. How long have you been seeing these guys? For five months. And to add a layer to it is, although it's been five months and i do talk to them on a daily basis these are long distance situations i love the fuckboy energy uh i'm just fucking with you no because i've been very honest i feel like that's not like fuckboys totally fuckboy fuckboys can be very honest and so one you just really love their dick and the other one you really love their heart or like what do we yeah it's um they're both like

incredible guys so they both like really hold a lot of characteristics and values that i really cherish in someone um however like when i'm really trying to decipher one i just have more of a emotional connection with as in like i feel like we've had deep convert deeper conversations like i can be super unfiltered just really raw um but like the sex is kind of vanilla. Not that I'm unsatisfied, but it's just not like he's not adventurous in that department. Have you tried to be adventurous with him? Yes. Yes. It was like an immediate no.

You can literally use a vibrator in the bedroom for you to, to connect in different ways. And I couldn't agree more. And I feel like that's, what's happening with this other guy is that there is so much openness and so much adventure there that we're like really connecting in a different way where where is mr vibrator falling short we haven't gotten to those super deep conversations that i have with this other guy. Sex can evolve and both like ability to connect emotionally can involve too.

We know, we know that you tried to incorporate a vibrator and got shot down by a guy, by guy A. Do we know if you've tried to incorporate deeper conversations, at least on some level and felt shot down by guy B? Yeah, no. Like, I mean, we have had, um, like deep conversations again, not as deep as emotional guy, but I haven't felt shot down. What do you have fun doing with sexy man? That doesn't include having sex. Um, we love to cook together. Um, we love to like dance um we love to like dance we love to travel okay that's great yeah

yeah okay i mean i just like basically have fun with him no matter what i could be in a cardboard box with him and like have fun sex guy yeah to me it almost sounds like you're too cautious about the sex that you're enjoying and you're judging yourself for potentially being shallow because you like the sex so much. But I heard I could be hanging on a cardboard box with this guy and having fun. I think we should start with the guy who you think might be slightly in the lead, which is sex guy. And then you try to address this long distance problem. And that might give you the clarity you need. All right. All right. So what's the update? Okay. So I really took your solid advice to heart. And you really recommended

me to sit down with Sexy Man because that's kind of what I was leaning towards and talk about the fact that we were a long distance. That was kind of a huge elephant in the room. And so I basically did that immediately after a call and reached out to him and shared how I felt and that I wanted to move into an exclusive relationship. However, we needed to address that we were a long distance. So where do we see that relationship going? And like, how do we keep up the momentum in our relationship long distance? So yeah, it was a wonderful conversation and I'm happy to report that we are boyfriend, girlfriend.

Love, all right. Thank you, thank you. And this was, I mean, we spoke a while back. So it's been going, you, so things are going good. Yeah. Super good. Yeah, I've actually visited him once before, and I'm here now visiting him as well. Is he available?

Do we get to meet him? Maybe once I have the courage to tell him that I went on a podcast. The reveal? I mean, he has me to thank. That's true. You know. That is true. One day when we get married, we'll do a toast to you.

Yeah, there we go. I'm just kidding. Not necessary. How did we let the other guy off? How did we put a bow on that? Yeah, so I felt like we had a great conversation. So no vibrator guy, obviously, had to cut ties with him. And I just shared with him that although I thought we had a great connection and he's

generally a very great guy, I just couldn't get over the lack of exploration in the bedroom. You said that to him. I did say that to him. Yeah. I wanted to be honest. Good for you. Yeah. No, it's something for him to do with what he wants.

I don't know, but it's specific feedback. And what did he say to that? So it was interesting. Like he definitely, he didn't have an excuse in any way. It was more of an acknowledgement. He was like, yeah, I mean, I just, that's just not my cup of tea. I'm just not that person. I don't know if I can be that with a person, which I don't want to like sex shame him. Like I don't want to push somebody

to do something they're uncomfortable with. So I just really wanted to make him like, feel comfortable that that's his choice in the bedroom however it's something that's so important to me i don't want to sacrifice that in my relationship i love that look at that so it's a great honest conversation i don't know like there wasn't any like mean words or was there wasn't any anger it all came from a really good place so i haven't talked to him since, but, um, it was a good conversation. Well, yeah. I mean, you guys could just agree to disagree, you know, it wasn't like, I'm not going to judge you or you're not going to judge me. It's just

like, if we're being honest, our sex life, we're not on the same page and you weren't willing to budge. He wasn't willing to budge and there you go. No, no harm, no foul. You know, so that's okay. And he deserves a woman that's going to love vanilla sex just like him. So I'm just not that, not that lady. All right. Back to the relationship that we are in, that we're happy with. What are you doing?

What's, what's working for the relationship? How are you guys managing long distance? Has the connection evolved since when we last talked, it was just a guy with a really beautiful dick. I'm just kidding. I mean, that's a true statement. Yeah. But how have we grown in the emotional department? Yeah. So overall, I think you like so right about how this conversation just was like a foundation to open up more of an emotional connection and so yeah i feel like

we are on a deeper level because we're talking so much about our future um and just like how we get to like our long-term goal so obviously our long-term goal is moving to the same city. And so like through talking about it realistically, I would need to move to him, which I'm totally okay with. Um, it's just a matter of getting to that point because I own a business. Yeah. And he's a lawyer. Yes. He's a lawyer. And so I'm okay with that. But ironically enough, this is so wild. Since like committing to a relationship with him, I've been actually getting a lot of work in his area.

So not only am I like visiting to see him, but I'm also like working too. So it makes like moving out here more foreseeable in the future. I love that. Great. Yeah, right. Isn't that so here more foreseeable in the future. I love that. Great. Yeah. Right. Isn't that so cool?

Manifesting your destiny. Thank you. Yeah. So it feels like really good as far as like moving into the direction of eventually ending up in the same city. But for now, we pretty much see each other once a month. Kind of our rule of thumb is like, we don't go a few weeks without seeing each other. And we've already like mapped out all of our adventures for the rest of the year.

So we're not like trying to figure out when are we going to see each other next? It's like already taken care of. So that's been really nice. Incredible. Yeah. Just a real direct and honest conversation. Solved all your problems.

Who would have thought? And your advice and your advice nick i needed your advice well i'm glad i could help but it sounds like you were just willing to do what was necessary and just really articulate how you felt with both both guys because it sounds like you weren't really as confused as you might have thought you were it was just like one guy was living in your hometown so by nature you got to hang out with him more and build a connection and then the other guy was not as available but you really enjoyed him more and then you know and then there was like an awkward conversation to talk about like his lack of interest and being exploratory in the bedroom and it it just required you to actually talk. Yeah, definitely.

I think, yeah. And I needed to really figure out what was important to me. And yeah, just through the conversations, I feel so happy and so content. And yeah, just really excited for what the future holds. That's awesome.

Well, congratulations. Glad you have found love. And congratulations to the business thriving. And yeah, just keep us posted on this love story. And if in the meantime, all updates are welcome. If there's something that you guys are experiencing in your relationship, good or bad, and you find a healthy way through it, share with the audience. We'd love to hear from you.

Thank you so much, Nick. I appreciate you. All right. Likewise. You are all amazing. Likewise. Thank you for sharing your story. We appreciate it as well.

All right. Well, take care. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget, we have 11 more of these episodes behind Vile Files Plus. So if you haven't signed up for Vile Files Plus yet, go ahead and go to vilefiles.com.

There's a button right there that says Vile Files Plus. It's a seven-day free trial. Let's go in. You can probably listen to all 10 updates in seven days if you really were that motivated. But give it a shot. Try it out. I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Also, we'll be recapping.

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