The Viall Files - E618 Ask Nick - My Online Situationship Owes Me Thousands

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss the surprisingly high percentage of doctors and nurses that cheat on their partners, and whether or not you should give up your seat on an airplane so families can sit together. We then read a written submission–Our writer is in a new relationship with a gentleman, a rarity for her after a string of toxic men. However, she recently ran into said toxic ex, and is worried she’ll fall back into old patterns and ruin things with her new guy by re-exploring her past. Then, we get to our callers.  Our first caller was ghosted three times by someone who conned her out of over $1,000, but she can’t stop thinking about what they could have been. This mutual friend, who she never actually met in person, convinced her to send him money to invest in stocks. After three years, she’s not sure if she’ll ever see that money, or him. Our second caller’s partner’s situational health issues have been affecting her attraction to him. She has been very patient, but doesn’t feel he’s putting as much effort into being his best self as she is into supporting him. She’s not sure on how to get through to him on this topic. Our final caller took back her boyfriend after he proposed to her when they were broken up, but is questioning her sanity now. She wants to end the relationship, again, but is worried about taking away a father figure for her children.  “You have created a fantasy in your head about this guy.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Grammarly - Go to http://www.Grammarly.com/GO to download and learn more about GrammarlyGO. BetterHelp - Visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Blueland -  Right now, get 15% off your first order by going to http://www.Blueland.com/VIALL Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vow Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host Nick joined by Allie, Amanda, and Derek of the household. Boy, do we have a good episode for you. What's going on, everybody? So, all you nurses be cheating. Okay, I think it's important to say... All you nurses be cheating. Doctors and nurses.

It is more male nurses. Doctors and nurses. It's not just nurses. I don't want to attack the nursing community. So, your sister. My sister's cheating. When I think about cheaters. Yeah. So yeah, they just really did a survey, a study. It said the headline was nurses cheat more than athletes and musicians and DJs. Infidelity among medical doctors and nurses. So the research aimed to know the incidence of and factors related to infidelity among doctors and nurses. A descriptive study was carried out. In total, 367 volunteer participants.

So also something to flag. These people volunteered this information, completed an online survey of them. Twenty one percent have or have had an unfaithful relationship. The majority, 81.7% were doctors. Men were 4.3 times more unfaithful than women, with these differences being statistically significant. Yeah, those are staggering differences. Four times is a lot. Two times is a lot. It will come as a shock to no one that they go on to say that people having sex in the

doctor's room on duty were also typically men. Who were they having sex with? It's upsetting either way. It's upsetting either way. So typically men. Who were they having sex with? It's upsetting either way. Doesn't it take two to tango? Like, is it men having sex with men? Well, maybe there's like one woman and all the different men. Maybe there's a few women. There's like a hottie in billing that like goes in.

Why does that feel wrong to say? There's one absolute femme fatale who's like all the doctors want her. I've also heard from people, though, that like Grey's Anatomy really hypes up the on-call room hookup situation. And while it's not unheard of, it's not quite that frequent. People aren't hooking up that much. They have to sleep. They got jobs and lives to save. But it also, you know, another thing it points out is people who work the night like emergency room shift are statistically

more likely to cheat which makes a ton of sense like people who are working at night in high pressure situations more than djs though see okay when i hear that though i'm like djs aren't even getting a relationship they're not in a relationship they're just they're like openly fucking just fuck boys yeah yeah fucking and playing yeah do you think you should give up your seat on the plane for people to sit next to each other um it depends on many factors are you giving it up for a worse seat or a better seat because i was on a flight recently doesn't know what i guess it's more and it's not would you it's like are you no what i guess it's more and it's not would you it's like are you obligated two different things for example recently nally and i flew home from wisconsin and we were in two middle seats

and we had jeff and it was like we got two middle seats we don't have a lot of currency uh the guy who sat next to me and i had just jeff in my lap i was like listen i totally get it you got a window but like if you're interested and you don't want to sit next to my dog, he's like, oh, I love dogs. Like my dog's a biter to the bone. My fiance's over there. And like, but I was just like, totally get it. And I certainly wasn't expecting or guilt tripping him. It was just I'm going to throw out the ask. And he graciously gave it up. So, yeah, there was recently a woman who refuses to give up a window seat to a mom of two kids. Sparking debate. Yeah. So there was a TikTok and this woman posted, said, what would you do? Wrote in her post, which has been viewed 2.7 million times on TikTok.

I got on the plane and a woman was sitting in my seat. And when I mentioned it to her, so this woman's already sitting in her seat, like where I'm like, we're not starting off on a good spot. She said, oh, you want to sit here? I thought we could switch because these are my kids. She points to the two seats next to mine. She then told the mom that she would happily switch seats as long as she could move to another window seat. However, the mom wanted Nelson to take her middle seat. She points to the row behind us and says, mine's right there.

So Nelson offers some additional context about the incident in her video's caption, saying that she desperately needed to sleep during that flight because she'd barely slept the night before and was about to give a presentation to 500 people. She also said the mom's two kids appeared to be about 11 and 15 years old

and the mom was in arm's reach of both of them from the middle seat behind us. I don't care what age. Well, if they're really young, though, then it's like it's more the ask. It's how she asked. She's already sitting in a chair, which puts pressure

and making sure like are you going to make me move? Are you really going to make me move? Listen, I've so much empathy for the challenges of moms flying and traveling, parents in general, with their babies. So I'm not suggesting it's not difficult. But it doesn't give you a right to disregard other people's needs, feelings, and comforts. There's a middle ground in how you ask and go about it.

And yeah, if this person had something going on and maybe she's tall, maybe she's got knee and back problems, maybe it would have been literal torture for her to sit in the middle seat. Well, she literally needed to sleep, which is typically when you go up against the side.

Anytime I do a red eye, I take the window so I can lean up against the wall the fact that they were like above the age of six that's why not to me not great that's wild she was leveraging her kid she was using her kids i'm like i was flying alone at that point like you're good her kid her kid was a prop for not having the middle seat. Yeah. I've seen other people do this, even when they don't have kids. If you have two seats separate, or let's say you're a standby or whatever, you go up to that little place by the gate, and you just explain it to the gate agent, who could have probably tried to swap them with someone else who was also in the middle. I don't know.

You don't do it on the plane. You don't sit in someone's seat and then like go from there yeah and the fact that the question was you want to sit here yes ma'am that is my seat yeah i do what did she make what did she do i think she sat in the seat because in the tiktok she's against the window she's against the window so she has to be in her actual seat she said no good for her she stood around not easy to do because i think the answer to the question is like it's an act of kindness to switch seats it is not like a moral obligation unless there's like really young kids and it like for some reason like wouldn't be safe or they would be really distressed you know but it's like it's an act of kindness and so if you're gonna be a

dick it's very like nobody wants to be kind to dicks yeah yeah your first words out of your mouth should be like i'm so sorry for having to ask this but would you be willing yeah yes you know absolutely completely different when you lead with entitlement no one wants to give you anything you want this i have kids congratulations no it's true and i've seen a lot of people give up seats for not even like families i've seen people give up seats for like um like couples to sit next to each other and i, yeah. And I just said, I mean, again, some guy gave up a window seat for a middle. And I was just like, hey, would you be willing? I told, please say no. And then I'm always like, drinks are on me.

You know? That's cute. That's such a good move. That's really lovely. They usually never take me up on it. But like anything you want to drink, just let me know. I got you.

That's so nice, man. That's cute. Well, I mean, it's the least I could do. No, I know, but it's like a good thing a good thing but like the fact that people are just like just barbarians on an airplane also just another reminder i've probably said this before sit the fuck down when the plane lands oh my god where are you going where are you where are you going i will say the only time i was so impressed i went uh up north Minnesota for the 4th of July. So I was on an even smaller plane going up or coming back to MSP, I think it was. But that was the only time the flight attendant went over because it's a bunch of it's a small plane of Minnesotans. And literally the woman was like, we have two super tight connections.

Can you please let them go? No one got up. And I was like, that's the first time I've ever seen that happen. We're all like, you let us know when we're ready to stand. Just shut the fuck down. Where are you going? People who's standing up like you know but also like squatting down and they'll hold that position for like 15 minutes like what what are where there is no head start you're getting yeah it's called a bottleneck yeah it's just common sense it kind of makes sense that like we see so so many debates over airline stuff because it's like,

in no other time do 200 people need to be that coordinated in movement and arrangement. But it's just not that hard to be civil. Yeah. You'd think. Do you think it's because airports are such a lawless place that you just take that energy on the plane? I don't know. I think people are nervous.

Are airports lawless? Well, it's just like- They seem to have a lot of laws and security. No, but it's like, you know, it's like the type of thing- No guns. No liquids. Take your shoes off. Laptops open up.

Do not leave your bag for a second. For a second. For a goddamn second. No. I mean, I forgot. We were in the Appleton Airport in Wisconsin. For anyone who doesn't know, there's very few people at the Appleton Airport. And I left my carry-on suitcase for, I just forgot it.

I don't know. And I was like, where's your suitcase? I'm like, oh, shit. And I left it in the gift shop. And there was like, in minutes, there were like four security guards around it. And this is Appleton. Appleton. You know, like, they don't fuck around.

Anyways, you know, and listen, traveling sucks. It's stressful. We've all had a moment where we had to like, we got a little angsty and we got a little worked up i get it we've all been there but just calm the fuck down take a breath you know see who you can help around you but to your point of them being lawless i feel like they're lawless in terms of like the standards you hold yourself to of like that's what i mean you're like eating a fried chicken at six in the morning while slamming down eight mimosas. Like, that's what I mean. I pull up to the airport while boarding is starting.

Oh my God. That stresses me out so much. I need to be there like two hours early for a demand time. That's also, they're both a little psychotic. Just, there's a happy medium. First of all, TSA pre-check. I applied for like global entry and was denied. And I was like, why?

I haven't done anything. Do you have something to share? For what reason? Okay. You know what? The only thing I can think of is there was one time where I was coming back from England and I got my ex like, so like in Borough Market in London, like they have all these like cutesy little shops.

And so I got him a bunch of like cheeses and cured meats. And I didn't know you weren't allowed to bring meat into the country. So I declared it. They were like, you don't have any meats foreign meats and i was like i sure do i was so proud of myself i was like yes it's a birthday present and then they were like well you can't have that and took it away from me but you declared it right like in new zealand or australia when you go there to like when in doubt declare just just let us know just communicate they're like parents they're like as long as we find out from you, we won't be mad.

But yeah, sorry. Weird. Well, someone needs our help. Just like people on airplanes and people eating fried chicken. It says, hi, Nick. I need your help. I didn't lie. They actually need our help.

About a year ago, me and my ex of five years finally broke up. Our relationship was very vile and toxic. And I just always felt like he was going to change his behavior and how he treated me. And after about the 1000th apology, I realized I couldn't do it anymore. So the past year, I've been working on myself and finally felt happy again in my life where I decided to put myself out there again and start dating. I was on the apps, meeting guys at the bars and having fun. When three months ago, I meet this guy at a bar and he knew my co-workers. So we started talking and we hit it off.

When I first meet this guy, I knew nothing about him except for his name. We started texting, getting to know each other and decided a week later to go on a date. We had a great time on the date and hung out the rest of the week. I was thinking to myself, wow, I found a nice guy who I like, who likes me and I like him, and this is going to be great. Then I started to see red flags that basically all he wanted from me was to sleep with me. He was showing the same toxic behavior my ex did and all my friends would tell me he's not good for me. He's just using me. And I would constantly be like, no, I promise he's different. Well, he wasn't different. And I was just his late night booty call when he got home from the bar. So I finally blocked his number so I would stop feeling like crap about myself.

But we still follow each other on social. We stopped talking and I met a new guy who I've been hanging out with now for about a month. This guy is the gentleman. He takes me on dates. I've met his family and friends. He always texts me good morning and good night and he's my age. He's everything I've wanted and hoped for after ending my long-term relationship. Everything was going great until I ran into toxic boy at the bar one night and he started to slide into my dms asking me to come over and that he misses me and I know I shouldn't entertain him but it's like the toxicity is what I crave and I hate that because I don't want to hurt this new guy that I care for and I know cares for me what do I do Nick and how can I stop craving toxicity

when I am in a healthy relationship therapy Therapy? She has all the answers. I don't, you know, I'm assuming she listens to the show. She's not really found, like, you blocked him, but you still follow him on social? Why don't you block him on social? Limiting their access on one way and not on all ways is not limiting their access at all. All it does is create drama. You know, if someone blocks you, that's traumatic, right?

Feels dramatic. Why'd you block me? And then you realize that you can still DM them and ask why. That's just all it does is create more drama. So blocking someone just on one form of communication, but leaving them the ability to confront you about said block is just actually making your situation worse, not better. is just actually making your situation worse, not better. Yeah, you don't lock the front door and leave the back door open. Like to your house. Yeah, literally. That's a great one. And she knows the answer. Also, just this person stopped making these profound statements about these guys after a month. The first guy she went out with loved everything about him until she didn't.

And then now this guy she's she's been dating for a month by her words is everything she's ever wanted of course not because like clearly she wants drama and this talks listen it's toxic simulation it's entertaining drama is fun you know like she's close to me it's she's close to being self-aware that she craves that and help yourself out. I mean, you know, at some point you have to take responsibility for the people you allow in your life. You don't just get to blame everyone for their behavior. You're not some person without any agency and without the ability to say, you're not

good for me. There's a reason why I blocked you on my phone. There's a reason why I blocked you on my phone. Like she writes it, the story is if like she couldn't help, but like her running into him is like, well, it was out of my hands. What was I supposed to do? I mean, I ran into him, you know, as if she got kidnapped, you know, and couldn't do anything about it.

And she had no choice but to succumb to the temptation of the drama. I mean, if this other guy is everything you want in a relationship, which, again, you don't really know him, you know, but if he is demonstrating healthy behaviors, then prioritize those healthy behaviors. She is just, you, the writer, you're prioritizing the wrong things and you're patting yourself on the back for just having a few good choices in your life. If you're from a diet standpoint, and let's say from a diet standpoint, you recognize that you were eating poorly and you're eating a lot of junk food, a lot of toxic foods, a lot of sugar, yada, yada. But like every once in a while you'd eat a banana and you'd walk a lap and you would just really glorify the banana that you ate and the lap that you walked. But in between that, you would binge on a bunch of donuts and, you know, eat a bunch

of like sugar. And it's just like, but you'd be like, yeah. And you know what? It is so good. Yes. It would be like, you know, but I really like those fucking M&Ms. Yeah, they are delicious. You're going to have to say fucking no once in a while or you're not going to get better. And just because you have a banana in between is nice. You're getting potassium. You know, you have to choose. You have to take some control of your choices.

Yeah. I also feel like she needs to trust herself. Like, I feel like she's to trust herself like i feel like she's wanting to make all the right choices like she like i think anytime people like write in i already think it's such a good sign because it's like you have a reputation for like being like no bullshit i'm going to tell you what you need to hear hold you accountable so the fact that you're writing in is like you want to be held accountable you want to do the right thing and like you know what the right thing is and it's like it's so i the right thing is. And it's like, it's so I just

think it's so hard to trust yourself. But it's also something where it's like, you just have to like, choose to do it and follow through and show up for yourself or recognize that it is very difficult for you. I mean, for someone who and like, no judgment, I've been there, we've all been there. But if you have been if you were in a relationship for five years, where you gave them in her words, 1000 too many chances, that like that it's obvious to you that you have a hard time enforcing your boundaries. You have a hard time standing up for yourself or saying no to the drama, saying no to the toxicity. Good that you recognize that, but maybe you do need some outside help.

Maybe you need to work on yourself and understand why you are making these choices. Because for some people, it is hard to recognize in the moment and say no. But yeah, keep listening to our show. Thank you. But maybe if you're not in therapy, maybe talk about that with a therapist. Understand why you're making these choices and then learn how to identify the feeling that you feel in the moment in which you feel it so that you can say no in the moment rather than have that regret after the fact. So anyway, we got some great calls lined up for you. Don't forget to send those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting, office hours. We got a great week lined up for you. Susie Evans returns tomorrow for Reality Recap

with Rick and Don, Hometowns with Susie as well as talking about all your favorite reality TV and pop culture topics, so tune in tomorrow. And Thursday we have an excellent episode of Going Deeper. JoJo Siwa was last week.

If you haven't checked that out, what an amazing episode. This Thursday will be no different. So be sure to tune in. We always appreciate you choosing us because we know you have a lot of options out there. Don't forget, we have another episode of Better Date Than Never live Thursday night, as well as Vile Files Plus, always available to you all for all the people who love those updates and your pop culture roundups. And our Vanderpump recaps are now available. If you

are bored, you don't have any good reality TV to watch, or you just immerse yourself into Vanderpump and you're going back and you're rewatching episodes, we are recapping season one right now. We recapped episodes one through three. Now we're doing four through six. Speaking of update classics, we dropped a new one last Friday. So if you love those updates, because I know you all do, you guys listen to the heck out of the ones we drop once a month. So if you're missing out and wanting more updates from all the callers that you've been invested in, we got another episode that dropped last Friday. And I think there's like, that's our 12th update episode behind Vile Files Plus. So be sure to check that out. Join us. It's

free to sign up. Go to vilefiles.com. Seven-day free trial. You won't regret it. All right, let's get to our callers. How's it going? Good. My name is Janelle and I'm 27. can we help you know so a guy i haven't met in real life has ghosted me now three times and taken over a thousand dollars from me but i still can't get over him okay you you haven't met to be clear to be crystal clear we have not met and i have yes we have not met in real life i have facetimed him before i i know it's not this is not a catfish situation but we have not met physically in real life okay so you have facetimed him yes i mean it's not a catfish situation per se but it's still

a i don't know what maybe what is the like a kitty fish i don't know whoa why are you sending first of all he didn't take money from you you clearly gave him money yes why so well you didn't rub you rob you at gunpoint you were you know you sent him money why i guess i'm struggling with like it's not to make excuses but i guess i'm just sharing my perspective from now a couple years ago so So this wasn't as recent. It was the darkest of the pandemic times. That's how I met this person anyways. It was through a Zoom party with like, some mutual friends, and he happened to join. I didn't think much about him. We all exchanged like social media handles. And so we like, followed each other. And then we started figuring back and forth about sports takes and different things.

But then I got his number. He sent me his number. So it went from social media DMing to texting. And then we were just talking about investing, market type stuff. And I was like, well, this guy sounds like he knows what he's doing. I don't know what I'm doing. Again, two years ago, I've learned a bit since then. But yeah, so I sent him some money through like a money app and to like invest for you. Yes. So I don't want to get into the full like legality of those things because I know it's technically like unethical and probably obviously not right. What do you mean? I don't think you're legally allowed to do that. You mean like have someone buy stocks on your behalf or something? Right. Technically,

I think... He's not a licensed stockbroker kind of thing? Yeah. It's under his name. Well, what sounds like what's illegal is he stole money from you. So there's no paper trail. There's under his name. Well, what sounds like what's illegal is he stole money from you. Yeah. So there's no paper trail. There's like text messages and emails back and forth and like signatures.

I don't know if they would hold up in court. Gotcha. And how much money have you sent this guy? We're going to go with $1,000, but it's a little higher than that. And by a little, that's anonymous. I mean, listen, no judgment here. But I'm clearly going to give you some tough love, but we're here to help. We're not here to judge you. We're just here to help

you find a solution and get out of this rut that you're clearly in, right? You seem like a smart, capable woman. You're not crazy, but you're doing some crazy things. And we need to get you to stop doing the things that are clearly causing you harm. And by harm, if nothing else, you're just investing so much of your emotional energy in a fake person. And by fake, I mean, yeah, maybe it's not a catfish. You know, I talk about my time on The Bester, obviously, a lot. And if you've ever heard me talk about it, I say how it's a relationship based off of withholding love rather than actually connecting and sharing love with one

another. It's so much fun, honestly. I have always enjoyed, it's how I met my current, it's how I met my fiance online through long distance. There is a fun element of meeting someone online that doesn't live in your town, that you're forced to talk to online and build a rapport and build up that intensity only to hopefully meet in person. So I get that, right? But the problem with that is also is that so much of that relationship is creating your head. Like on The Bachelor, right? You have these little moments of interactions with someone and it goes well, and then they pull you away. And then you fantasize about that moment and that connection. And you play it out in your head.

And then you insert all the things that you like. You just create your storytelling in your mind. So if you're trying to understand why you can't get over him, that's why. Because you have created a fantasy in your head about this guy. And you have taken the conversations you've had with this guy and the things that you said and the things that you've bonded over, et cetera, et cetera. And then all the elements that you haven't had, you know, the physical touch or like, there's just peace meeting him in person. You have inserted that with your imagination and clearly your imagination is always going to insert the best, you know, it's going to insert all the thing, you know, when you're daydreaming or

going to bed and you're fantasizing you're daydreaming or going to bed and you're fantasizing and reminiscing about what it might be like to finally meet him and have a relationship with this guy, you've always given him the benefit of the doubt because that's what we do. You've inserted the best possible scenarios. And when we make mistakes in relationships or send people money and feel cheated. It's just easier for us to lie to ourselves because you don't want to feel stupid. You know, that's why when people are catfish, they have such a hard time recognizing it. It's not because like deep down they know, but they don't want to admit to themselves that they could be fooled because,

you know, when you find out you've been catfished, people throw out words like crazy and how could you and things like that. And so people don't want to be, I'm not crazy. I'm a normal person. I've dealt with people in catfishing. And it's always the same thing. I'm not crazy. I'm a normal member of society with a regular job and yada, yada, yada. And so it's just like this fear of acknowledging the truth in themselves that they've been duped or they have allowed themselves to get duped and maybe they even played a role into the duping and they've kind of not trusted their gut. But at some point you just have to cut, you have to come clean to yourself and recognize that you've gotten yourself into a situation that is serving you in no way. And there's nothing you can do to salvage this because most of it is based off of a fantasy and you just have to cut your losses. In your case, you might just quite literally have to cut your financial losses. And all you can do at this point is just chase this

guy to ask him to pay back the money he owes you. But you made a quote unquote investment. So for all you know, he's lost all that money you knew as an investment. Anytime you invest your money, there's a gamble there. You don't even know if that money exists anymore. Maybe he didn't even steal it. Maybe he had the best intentions and he's bad with money. And that's a choice that you made. You know, you decided to give your money to a stranger and you decided to trust him and you decided to do something that you need, that you even said that you didn't even know

if it was legal, you just did it anyways. You have to take accountability for that choice you made. But now you're at this point where it's the, what are they, what's the term? It's like a gambling term. It's the sunk cost fallacy, I believe it's called. It's like a bet, you know, you just, the idea that, you know, you've lost all this money,

so you bet more money to try to get the money back. You know, now you're trying to dig yourself out of this hole you got yourself in. And you might just have to cut your losses. Yes to everything. Do I just cut my losses? I mean, I think yes yes but for context for fun like what are your alternatives my alternatives are i mean i've asked a lawyer friend and they've said

like potentially no claims court i just don't want to be that person that goes that route i'm just struggling with it because i've been saying these things out loud. I'm like, wow. Do you have mutual friends? We have some mutual friends. Do you know people who have actually met this guy in person? Yes. And they say he's, I wouldn't say he's like odd, but just very like private, odd. Yeah. So I think that might've been the appeal, but I have one friend that I've kind of, he knows a little bit more about him. When you say he's ghosted you three times. So that means he ghosted you and then came back and then ghosted you again and then came

back and now he's ghosted you a third time. And right now he hasn't come back kind of thing. Right. So I'll backtrack. So the first time was like, obviously clean slate. We're good. We're just DMing, texting. And then I caught feelings and was

kind of like, by no means was saying, let's get in a relationship. But I was like, are you ever in town? Like he lives in a nearby state, probably a few hour flights. It's not like coast to coast. So it was doable. And he just kind of like left the question as is. And so I was like, I'm done. I was like, I'm just going to give this a break. And then I came back and asked for like an update money type thing. At what point did you give him your money? The first time around. This is like two and a half years ago. So then I go back and I ask for it. And then we just kind of do the same thing, talking about the money here and there. But it's mostly just like, go back to old habits, talking the time start calling which wasn't a case before and then i was feeling

empowered by some of the cuts like your content podcast and i was like let me tell him how i feel like this isn't fun anymore i'm always like super anxious and in my head so i sent a text that's like not where is this going but it's like i want this like i like like i like you i think it's way past time like let's see this through type thing and he went cold ghost ish did the ghost thing again he didn't respond to that yeah he didn't respond that was probably more devastating than this time around which is also really sad to say out loud where I'm like yeah I'm kind of used to this habit at this point that's just who he is with this third ghost thing but by the second one it felt like a breakup like I was like oh I'm so heartbroken I think that was like the peak of how I romanticized it then

like he we got in contact a few months later just like Instagram watching stories type thing, but I didn't do anything. I was trying to move on. And then I started making peace with it. And so back to the money point, I think my friends would tell me, this really sucks. And of course, it's a lot of money, but also your sanity is worth so much more. You should just let it go. And I made peace with that. I wasn't viewing any of his stuff yet or as much anymore. I was just like, doing okay, was dating people throughout all of this. Then in December, he like came back, same thing type like viewing stuff, liking stuff. And then we just fell into old habits. I did address the money thing, kind of vaguely answered it. How did you address it? What did you say?

I said something like, you're not a good person and you're a thief, like really explicitly. What did he say? Oh, I don't even remember. I think he said, like, essentially he said some type of things of like, be patient slash just wait. What does that mean? I don't know. I'm still waiting, apparently. When you gave him the money, what expectations did he set with you about when you can expect to get your money back? And what options did you have to pull your money out at any time? Or was he like, hey, listen, once you give me this money, it's going to be tied up for the next 10 years? Did you ask any questions?

There was no expectations set. One, I don't think the money exists. Let me be clear. But two, I think he's holding the idea of it kind of hostage to like always have access to me, which is why I think my friend gave me the advice of like, just let everything go. Like, just count your losses. Let everything go. But I think why I'm here mostly is like, I know this is wrong.

I was able to move on from it months ago, clearly not fully, but I was able to mostly move on with it. I had made peace with losing the money. And now that I'm here, I feel like I just got sucked right back in. I also feel like it's too late to even meet in person. So I don't even know what I'm holding on to. I know he will not be anything close to what I've created in my head. I know I'm going to be disappointed. I know he's not really anything fully of what I'm looking for. And so I'm just not sure what's not clicking in my brain because logically I know all these things, but like emotionally, I'm not able to get there. Okay. Yeah. I mean, emotionally, you just haven't fully gone. You haven't done everything you can do. And you also just have to change the language

of how you talk about him. You know, know for example you guys didn't fall into anything you chose to re-engage with him you know you're you have to take full accountability for the choices you make with this guy you're not every time you talk to him you and you it's it's it's in the words that you're communicating with us you know it's like oh we just fell back into it no you didn't you didn't fall into shit you saw him looking at your stories or vice versa or whatever he reached out i don't know and you chose to communicate with him and maybe you made excuses why as to like i'm communicating with him only because of the money talking with you to be honest it seems like you're less upset about

the money and more upset about him. I would agree. And it's proven in the third time around when I asked once and I haven't brought it up since. Yeah. It's kind of wild, but also in a way, good news. The money sucks. You've accepted that the money's probably gone, right? So stop using the money as an excuse to hold yourself emotionally hostage with this guy. It does suck losing the amount of money that you lost, but clearly you've accepted it. And mentally and emotionally, that's not even holding you back. In the long scheme of life, you'll make this money back and it's just going to be a tough lesson and hopefully a valuable one that you'll have to learn. Next time, don't fucking give people any amount of money, let alone large sums of money, without some upfront expectations, without some paper trails.

Don't do illegal shit. If it sounds too good to be true, it almost certainly is. And these are just tough lessons that almost all of us have to learn. And a lot of us learn the hard way. You learned this the hard way. But there'll be plenty of opportunities of people trying to screw you over in the future. And hopefully, this will be a valuable lesson for you. You learned this the hard way, but there'll be plenty of opportunities of people trying to screw you over in the future. And hopefully this will be a valuable lesson for you. You know, you're still a young person with a lot of life ahead of you. And there'll be a lot of opportunities

for this tough lesson to serve you well in the future. So you're just gonna have to have that outlook that this was expensive, but valuable. And this is gonna benefit me in the future. So that's how you handle loss of money. But again, it sounds like you've already kind of handled that. And now when it comes to him, you just got to stop making excuses, stop romanticizing it, and start being honest with yourself about the choices you're making to actively participate with this guy. Most likely to probably try to just justify all your choices from the past.

That kind of sunk cost fallacy. You know, I mentioned this in my book. You never really had a relationship with this guy, but I say, like, hope is not something you want in a relationship. You don't have a healthy relationship with this guy, but you have a relationship. It's very much one-sided. You know, it's not collaborative and it's not mutual, but it's a relationship. It's toxic. It's not healthy. It's not serving you, but it is a relationship, you know, and you shouldn't have a lot of hope in a relationship because again, hope in a relationship is just a sign of what you don't have and that you're not receiving. That's the thing that's keeping you attached. It's the hope. Maybe he'll come

around. Maybe he'll realize. If he does, then all the thoughts of craziness and stupidity I've felt about myself will magically go away. And that's why you're holding onto it. So you need to fully let go, not 90% let go, not 85% let go, not 99% let go. You have to 100% let go, which means blocking him, deleting his number, not paying attention if he views his story. Why? Because you've blocked him so he can't view your story. If he finds another way of getting a hold of you through like Venmo or email, I don't know. You don't respond. Accept that this is not a good guy, that he doesn't care about you, that you've been used, and you're going to use him as a way to learn a very valuable lesson. But the choice is yours, right? You got to fully let go of the hope

that you have that you can somehow make up for the mistakes you've made with this guy. Make up for it by learning it in the future. Make up for it by learning this lesson. Because right now, you're just making the same mistakes over and over. And you're not crazy. You know this. You're just making excuses for yourself in the moment. And you're romanticizing it by saying things like, we just fell back into it. I couldn't help myself. He couldn't help himself.

No. You're like, you know what? I'm going to ignore my instincts. I don't care. I'm a little bored right now. I want to feel something. So I'm going to feel pain. And you kind of have to decide that you want to stop.

And you can. You're so close. I did it once. I was very close once. You have to stop being close. You have to go all the way. So how do we do that? Block his phone number, then delete his phone number. Block him on Instagram. Any way that you can think that he get ahold of him, just block him. Let it go. Don't let him him reach out again and if he finds a way don't respond you can choose not to respond and like to your point you know he's going to be willing to say things just to keep you around why i don't know it's certainly not love and it's not for it's not for it's not because he cares about you or he wants the best for you no i mean i wouldn't

want to be with someone like this any which i tell you is the gap in my thinking where I'm like, I know all this was wrong financially. Yes. And then on top of that, emotionally, I'm like, he's not really anything I want long term. My person would never treat me this way. My person would like not ghost me or do all of this. What am I getting? The person that's ghosted me three times the person that like doesn't communicate i'll tell you what you're getting entertainment in a way

it's that toxic stimulation we talk about i'm happy to be talking to you i really am this is a lovely chat but in a fucked up way he's the reason i got to talk with you he's the reason you got to be on this show and so subconscious, I think you're very much confusing yourself and rewarding him. It's just, it's something to do. It's something to talk about with your friends. It's something to talk about with yourself. It's something to talk about with me. It's keeping you entertained.

It's... Well, I don't want to be entertained anymore. Or not in this way. Well, good. Yeah, I'm glad. But it's the choice is yours. You are a highly intelligent, very capable woman. And so I'm going to hold you accountable by saying, you know, it's your fault at this point. It's no longer his fault. You know, he's not great. You told him he's not a good person. You've accepted the loss of the money. You've accepted

that it's gone. If you respond to him, it's because you're bored enough to torture yourself. It's the equivalent of being the kid and sticking your finger in the socket or, you know, sticking your finger

down your throat just to gag yourself to see what it feels like. You've never done that as a kid? Not really. I've gagged myself. You've never done that?

Like for fun? Yeah. I don't know. You just try things out as a kid. You're like, that was weird. Or just, you know, stick your tongue on one of those batteries. You ever done that? Like for fun? Yeah. I don't know. You just try things out as a kid. You're like, that was weird. Or just, you know, stick your tongue on one of those batteries. You ever do that? No. No.

Oh. Well, you're doing an equivalent of it. But we, yo, I'm not the only one who's done that. You know, like you're just like, oh, this is weird. Shock yourself. And it's just like, we do these things, you know? I'm sure you have some version of shit you guys have done that you're like, why did I do that? You just do it because you're fucking bored.

But you know this, you can recognize it. And in the moment, you just have to tell yourself, no, you have to have that willpower. Stop telling yourself you can't get over him. It's not him that you're not getting over. You have to say, I have to stop. I have to start holding myself accountable. I have to stop torturing myself. i have to start holding myself accountable i have to stop torturing myself i have to stop giving into boredom it has nothing to do with him or your relationship if it sounds like it's a romantic a romantic romantic is the tensation of the if it sounds like you're romanticizing it yourself you can recognize that you know we fell back into it you know we couldn't help ourselves ah the love we have all that, you know, we fell back into it. You know, we couldn't help

ourselves. The love we have, it's all bullshit. And you know that, and you know it. I should have just not replied. I thought that too after this last. No, don't, no, don't do the same. No, don't beat yourself up. That's another thing we do in Rebord. Let's just beat ourselves up. You got to stop. Stop thinking about them. Stop torching yourself. Let it go. There's no reason for you to be thinking about this guy anymore. Life, you've never met him. You don't even know what it's like. So the only time this guy should come up in your life going forward is the next time you find yourself in a situation where your body says, wait, this feels familiar. Something's going on here. I've recognized this feeling from this person who caused me this pain in the past. What did I learn from that experience? That's when you can bring him up again. The next time it makes you feel like something's off, when your body's

saying, hey, pay attention to how we're feeling right now. But until then, you have no reason to let him come into your mind. And when he does, you can be able to recognize that I shouldn't be thinking about him. You can control your thoughts. You can change course. What are things that you enjoy? What are your hobbies? What do you like to consume? What do I like to consume? Probably a lot of sports. I like traveling. Yeah. I love sports too. And when I, as a ruminator, who lets things pop in my head, and I can go down rabbit holes and I can obsess over things. Anytime I'm obsessing over things that I know aren't serving me well, I immediately just think about the Green Bay Packers. It's a little corny, but I'd rather obsess over my,

you know, basically my adult Dungeons and Dragons, which is, you know, that's what sports is. It's just like, it's like make-believe for adults, you know? I mean, it's real, but like, that has nothing to do with my life. I just watch other people play, but I can obsess over that because it doesn't, it's not, I'm not attached to it and I can detach to it and it really has no actual impact on my life. But I'd rather think about the Green Bay Packers and obsess over that than something else that really is draining me. So I've gotten good at being able to recognize something that's just kind of fucking just eating is draining me. So I've gotten good at being able to recognize something that's just kind of fucking just eating away at me. And I'll just say, you know what, Nick, let's just think about the Packers. Who's starting this year? Who's going to do well? Who

do I want them to trade? Yada, yada, yada. Fantasy football. So whatever it is, whatever works for you, you're going to have a couple of things that you enjoy that's kind of a non-toxic hobby or thing that you like to consume, you know, or like you like to talk to your friends. And when you find yourself ruminating over things like him, you just say, Oh, I'm doing it again. I'm going to think about something else. And you can do that. It's very possible. We all act like we can't control our thoughts. We can't. You just have to train yourself. Sounds good. All right. I'm trying to be mindful of stuff.

Yeah, you can do it. You know, it's just a matter of how bad you want to. I hope that you're just sick of dealing with this guy. Think of how many conversations you've had with him in your head. A lot. Yeah. A lot of head space I should clear out. Yeah. And that's mental energy you could have put towards, you could have learned a new language, literally. In the time that you have invested in having conversations with a make-believe person in your head, you could have become an expert in the stock market. Literally. And you could have gotten that money back.

So let those kind of thoughts motivate you to limit your obsession over this guy. And if it's this boredom that's causing this, keep yourself busy with things that are positive. Investing yourself. What are things that you want to learn? What are things you want to do? And every time you think of him, it should be a reminder that you should be investing that energy into something more positive into yourself. And that's something you can control.

That's why I came. The tough love, I guess, I needed to hear. Hearing make-believe, fantasy person for sure is hitting. Yeah. You could literally be an expert in kind of anything you want with the amount of energy you've invested in having a conversation with a person in your head. Super helpful way of looking at it. All right. Well, I want an update and I hope that update is something that you've chosen to invest in.

You can get this money back, whether it's actual money or just an investment in yourself, that you can turn this costly and painful lesson into something very positive. It is entirely up to you. Okay. All right. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Keep us posted. I'm expecting a positive update on how you're taking steps to change course. All right. Sounds good. We'll be reaching out. All right. Take care. All right.

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How's it going? I'm good. Hey, Nick. Hi, what's your name? My name is Chloe. I'm 27, and my partner's physical changes is affecting my attraction towards him. How is your partner physically changing? The growing wings?

I would say that the changes are circumstantial and I think that's where I'm getting a little confused and I don't really know how to feel. But his physical changes, he has a deviated septum. He has gained, I would say, upwards of like 40 to 50 pounds since I met him. So pretty like big weight gain. But with his deviated septum, it's hard for him to breathe, which sounds so silly. But I had a deviated septum and I had surgery for it in my early 20s. Not a nose job.

Sounds like something someone with a nose job would say. No. Yeah. It is something people with nose jobs say. A deviated septum is something inside your nose. So you can fix a deviated septum and it's not supposed to change the structure of your nose. So if anyone's nose changes and they say they have a deviated septum, not true. You can fix a deviated septum and it wouldn't change your nose. Anyway, it does affect your breathing though.

Yeah. But not to the point where you, it should be the reason you're gaining a ton of weight. No, not at all. So there's a few. I mean, I'm not a doctor, so. 100%. So with his deviated septum, he does actually have an appointment No, not at all. So there's a few. I mean, I'm not a doctor, so. A hundred percent. So with his deviated septum, he does actually have an appointment next month to talk to a surgeon. So he will be getting that surgery.

Sucks, by the way. Yeah. I mean, it's just a lot of draining inside. It's a tough couple of days afterwards, but whatever. I digress. So there's that. So with my attraction towards him, I think he is so handsome. He is a very handsome human being, like on the inside and out. He really is. I think that when I say my attraction towards him, it is really more or less when it comes to like our physical intimacy. How old is he?

He's 29. Okay. He didn't just like develop a deviated septum. No, it got worse with weight gain. I think it actually got worse when he got really, really sick a few months after we started dating. Likely hindsight 2020, it was probably COVID. And he had really bad side effects when you have a deviated septum and you get COVID.

Sure. So we had met, fallen in love. He felt really, really sick. And then I just kind of held on to hope that his breathing would get better and it didn't. But again, you bring in hard to breathe into the bed and it doesn't like mix for the most like desirable. He's just huffing and puffing in there mind you like he can't breathe out of his nose so it it was like so there was that for sure his weight is another thing um his weight i think stems from his mental health so again when i met him he was physical activity was super important to him like he worked out a lot or so he said. He worked out a lot.

He liked cycling. He liked hiking. He has like photos to back all of these up. I met him online. So he's like trying to prove to you that he used to be physically active or something. When you say he has photos to back it up, what led to like that conversation? Because it sounds like you guys had some kind of conversation about his activity and you're like, I don't believe you.

And he's like, look, I got photos. No. So these photos came from like his dating profile. So for me, just being active, like taking care of your physical health is important to me. So a quality that I really admired about him is that he liked to cycle. He liked to hike. He liked to go to the gym.

Those are all things that I like to do. So I found that very, like, that was a green flag for me. And then met him. He was very physically fit, like talked about cycling, talked about all of this stuff that he would do with his friends. Um, mind you, we were in heat of COVID. So these things weren't actually taking place at the time. I just kind of had word to go on it.

And he was like very physically fit. So all like I had no reason not to believe it. And I still think that he enjoys all of those things. I think that with COVID, he couldn't go to the gym because he chose not to get vaccinated. And we met in the wintertime. So being outside isn't wildly realistic for me because I live somewhere where we get a ton of snow. And then he fell sick and then my brother passed away. So we were dealing with that.

And then he had a bunch of mental health problems related to work and what that would look like. So one thing led to another. would look like. So one thing led to another and his, like the physical side of his health, it just wasn't, became not very important because we had other things that we were kind of navigating at the time. So no, those, he wasn't just showing me photos being like, oh, like I work out and I do all these things. Like life genuinely happened. And he gained a lot of weight again. Like the weight doesn't even like really matter to me. Again, like these are all pretty like circumstantial. Like he really is like the most attractive person to me.

He's, I'm so in love with him, like most beautiful soul. But I feel like I've been really patient and maybe almost too patient. It is at the point where it's affecting our intimacy. And I guess when it comes to weight, like I know that he's not super confident when we're in bed. Let me, let me ask you this. Like, do you think right now he is doing his very best to be his best self? No. Okay. My guess is that's what bugs you, is that regardless of what weight he's gained or the acne that has flared up or his deviated septum, yada, yada, yada, that your gut is telling you that he has fallen into a bit of a rut and he is probably making more excuses rather than finding solutions. He's stopped doing things that he would normally do. And again, it's not without its struggles for a variety of reasons, as you suggested, but rather than trying to get over this hump, he has kind of succumbed to the negativity that he's experienced. And it sounds like you're sensing an

element of defeat on his part. And he's kind of given up almost on himself rather than, you know, try to attack this problem and control what he can control. You know, like, for example, like, what is his diet like? When he's with me. So we live together. So we eat really healthy when we're together. But he is on his own for breakfast and lunch. What does that mean? Do you know what he's eating or do you suspect that he's eating fast food every time he's not with you?

He's eating fast food for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So he's having fast food meals twice a day. That's that's not good. Yeah. It's a tough situation you and meals twice a day. That's not good. Yeah. It's a tough situation you're in, you know, and it's like you can hear it in your voice. You're trying to be empathetic and you're trying to even talking with us.

You know, he's not even in the room. You're trying to tiptoe around your frustrations, knowing that this is a sensitive topic, especially when you're talking about weight gain and physical appearance. And it sounds like if you were to talk to him that he has his reasons or excuses to why he's experiencing this. It almost sounds like a mental health challenge rather than anything else, you know, but you can't help people who can't help themselves. And I get what you're coming for. You know, for me, a big turnoff for me is apathy, laziness. And with apathy comes a bunch of side effects, but I am turned off by laziness. I am turned off by people who just don't try to be their best self. That's just a personal preference of mine.

But in a relationship, that can happen, your partner can go through a rut. You guys are going to have to figure out how he can get through this. You know, with that said, what conversations have you had with him about, you know, his mental health or how he's feeling about himself and what he is hoping to do about that. So the conversation surrounding mental health started when I moved in. That would have been roughly 10 months into dating. He was having a lot of problems with work, and I could just tell that he was off. And at that point, I strongly suggested therapy. I'm a big advocate of therapy. I've been going to therapy for a very, very long time.

therapy. I'm a big advocate of therapy. I've been going to therapy for a very, very long time. Again, something that I guess apathy going back to that, something that I was very attracted to when I met him was that he had voiced that he had been to therapy. And I find that very attractive. And it's important to me, like mental health and physical health is important to me. When he was really, really struggling, finally, the conversation about like me being deeply concerned for his like emotional wellbeing, talking to someone because I'm not a therapist. And he was like, it's not something that I see in my foreseeable future. And that I thought was a little bit of a turnoff. And that was really confusing because it's like, you're struggling really hard, but again, like you're not willing to do anything about it. I am here to support you as a partner, but I also want to see some kind of action associated

with his concern. I mean, it sounds like hearing you talk, there's a lot of things that you saw as green flags in him that you were under the impression that he had done or did prior to you meeting him that doesn't exist in the relationship? No, a hundred percent. So when he said what you suggested therapy, he said, to be honest, I don't see that in my, in the near future. What did, what was your response to that? Did you ask why he doesn't see it in his future? Don't even remember what he said. Like he just didn't think it was important. Like he wanted to navigate it on his, his own. Does he agree with you that he is struggling with his mental health or is that

just your perception? And he doesn't even agree. No, he agrees. Okay. And you said he's now in therapy. He is now in therapy. Oh, since that conversation. Okay. So he, um, he found someone, I want to say like four or five months ago that he's been talking to how's that going three weeks and he loves this person and he's so happy he's in therapy now so little things and same thing with like his deviated septum like him breathing on me during during us being intimate like i can only kind of tiptoe around that every so much until i'm like honey like i can't imagine one like for us to be intimate and it affecting that that's like a whole nother thing but he cannot breathe properly i mean imagine his weight gain and his diet are playing a significant

role again i'm not a doctor but i did suffer from having a pretty severe deviated septum in addition to that i also had a large, I think, polyps in the back of your nose. So it was like my nasal canal was not only blocked by my deviated septum, but I had like these really large, I think, polyps or whatever, but that was also kind of blocking my airway. This is all while I was running collegiate track in college. So I had a difficulty breathing, but I could still breathe. And again, like everyone's, So I had a difficulty breathing, but I could still breathe. And again, like everyone's, every situation is different.

And one, like I said, you can go to an ear, nose and throat doctor, have him take a look at it. It's kind of a shitty couple of days recovery, but it's a fairly basic procedure. And if he has a deviated septum, it's something his insurance will pay for. And that's just a matter of booking an appointment and taking care of it. a matter of booking an appointment and taking care of it uh additionally like i mean if the guy's eating fast food every day as a late 20s male like that's that's so i don't know if he's eating like fast fast food there is like okay so he is probably like eating out like three to four times a week with his job there is like lunch kind of provided. So it's not like always the healthiest, like wings and was on like,

it's like hearty meals. Well, hearty is not so bad. I mean, I guess it just depends on the quality of the products. I mean, if it's, you know,

lasagna every day is hearty. Sure. But if it was quality ingredients, that makes a big difference. I'm not a dietician. I'm not a doctor. I'm just saying his diet matters. There's a lot of variables. I'm not a dietician. I'm not a doctor. I'm just saying his diet matters. There's a lot of variables, it sounds like, that are at play. And you just have

to keep trying to encourage him to control what he can control. Get into the doctor and deal with the deviated septum. That does affect your mental health when you're not feeling your best self, and it's hard to move around, and you're sore, sore and you're tired and you can't breathe. But it does sound like there are things that he can do to make himself feel better. My guess is if you saw him doing everything he could within his limitations, you know, it's like, hey, I can't go cycling anymore. But hey, babe, let's go take a walk. I want to adjust my diet and I just want to, or, you know, he's going to therapy every other, every two to three weeks. The fact that when I asked, do you think he's doing everything he can to be his best self? It was pretty easy for you to answer no. And to me, that's what's bugging you

the most because you know that there's things he could do that he's not doing to improve his conditions. And it sounds like you do genuinely love this guy. You see a lot of good in him, but you see he's not reaching his full potential and that he's gotten himself in a rut. And now he's more willing to express excuses rather than sit down with you and figure out solutions. And that can just be frustrating as a partner when your partner is just kind of like in a rut, not their best self, but just more complaining than anything and not doing anything about it simultaneously. Yeah. Listen, if your partner changes the way they look and they change their appearance, you know, and they, and they look different than the person you originally fell in love with, like, yeah, we have this guilt of feeling superficial

and things like that. But at the same time, like just kind of a reality of life, it's like, you literally look different, you know? And I, I feel, you know, there's that guilt you must feel when you're like, I have that less, less attraction, but more than anything, what probably pisses you off internally is the fact that he, he could be doing more about it. You must be getting frustrated because, and correct me if I'm wrong, that most of the things that he is doing is a result of you kind of nagging or you bringing things up it's like oh hey babe how about therapy well i don't think you know and you're fine he goes to therapy but instead of like really attacking therapy it's just like once every

two to three weeks you know my guess is you're getting tired of being his cheerleader it's great that you're his cheerleader everyone needs a a cheerleader, but we also want our partners to be their own cheerleaders as well and be self-motivated and want to be their best self because I'm guessing you're going out of your way to try to be your best self and you're working on yourself and you're taking care of yourself and you're prioritizing your mental health and you're eating right and you're exercising and all those things. And it can be a drain on a relationship where one of those people in the relationships is doing those things, the other person's not. And are you guys in couples therapy? No. And it's something that I wanted to do with him even before all of this stuff,

just because I like the idea of opening up that line of communication with your partner. So we aren't in couples therapy, but that's something that I would definitely look into. But then I also think that it doesn't matter if he doesn't fix our current problems. We know. Yeah, but it could just help how you guys communicate those problems, right? And that third party could maybe help relay that message of how you're feeling and help him receive it in a way that doesn't feel like you're attacking him. When we get in these kind of very sensitive conversations with our partner, the language that we use to communicate, it's fragile, you know? And just saying the wrong word

at the wrong time can trigger our partners and then have them shut down and not be receptive to what we're trying to say, even though we're well-intentioned and things like that. That happens constantly every day in every relationship. And a couples therapist, if nothing else, a good one, can help you guys interpret each other, messaging and things like that. Yeah, definitely. So we are really good at communicating. I will say that he has an avoidant. He has an avoidant attachment style. So I've done a lot of work on my end, just like figuring out how to navigate that and with our communication. It feels like you're doing a lot of the heavy lifting in this relationship. It sounds like you're doing 100% of your half

and 30% of his. Yeah, and that's how it feels. So I guess, because if you felt like that your partner was in this rut, but you felt like he was this, like he woke up one day, kind of was like, you know what, I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of experiencing this.

I want to solve these problems. I want to improve these problems. Maybe not even solve these problems. Well, I want to prove how I feel right now. And you felt like he was motivated to do that. And he was going to you and asking advice for you. And maybe he'd ask for a mentor here or doing some research online and just proactive. My guess is you would feel much better. And whatever

things that are going on in the bedroom now, my guess is you would probably just be like, yeah, this is a temporary problem that we're working on and he's attacking it and it's going to get better. And I'm going to support him. And I'm really proud. And you would probably say things like, babe, I'm really proud of the effort you're putting into X, Y, or Z. Maybe he starts packing healthier lunches. Like even if he did something like that, you'd probably be like, good for you, babe. Like, and he was proactive about going to the grocery store and getting some fresh produce and some healthy snacks rather than like, you know, high sugars and simple, you know, things like that are certainly playing a role when it comes to his skin conditions and his weight and

things like that. My guess is that would be attractive to you. And whatever unattractiveness you find in his physical parents now would probably be second to the attractiveness that he is attacking this problem. So I think it's just kind of getting on the same page of expressing that. Like, have you had a conversation with him about like, hey, babe, like, I know you're struggling and I know it's hard, you know, try to empathize with, hey, I know what it can feel like to yada, yada, you know, being stuck. But do you think you're doing everything you can to make yourself feel better, both physically, mentally, and emotionally? And are there ways I can help? But at the same time, I want to help you, but I want to support you. I don't want to be the instigator. I don't want to nag. I want to be a support system, not your coach. You know,

have you had conversations like that? I have honestly, like word for word, everything that you just said, I said all of that stuff. And he said like, no, he's in a rut. Like he's super comfortable and he recognizes that. And he's just settling with what he has. And I was like, it doesn't have to be what it is, what it is though. Like, like yeah i mean listen it's it's a fine line i don't you know as much as you might love them and see a lot of good in them you both are gonna have to figure out whether his you know if you say his avoidant personality or or whatever or just his personality in general is a match for for you long term he has the right to accept his weaknesses and kind of put up with them.

You guys are going to have to find a common ground, you know, where you don't feel like a nag and he is less comfortable with his struggles. The problem with in your situation is like it's he has every right to be comfortable with who he is or how he looks and his weaknesses, every right to be comfortable with who he is or how he looks and his weaknesses, but not to the point where it is affecting his mental health or is affecting his mood and is affecting how he is in the relationship with you. Because if it becomes a burden for you, then those are things you have to deal with. And again, it's all nuanced and things like that. But that's where, again, couples therapy might help you guys from a team standpoint to figure out how does this issue that your partner is experiencing, how is it affecting the relationship? Because it is, right? Obviously. And you two as a

team collectively need to decide, is this affecting your relationship and what can we do about it? side, is this affecting your relationship and what can we do about it? Rather than pointing fingers of who's to blame. But right now, it sounds like coming from you is that he's in a rut. He's just comfortable with who he is. And he's asking you to just accept that and deal with it. And that's not always easy to do, you know, because he's become a different person than you fell in love with. You obviously sound like a very empathetic person and very careful with your words and you want to be understanding. My guess is you're almost maybe been a little too understanding and too empathetic. And listen, it's a fine line. Like, how do you, it's just like, oh, you know, it's tough. But at the end of the day, he's going to have to step it up and do a little bit more for himself.

Do everything you guys can do. You're not doing couples therapy right now. And clearly there's a disconnect in your relationship, right? You guys aren't on the same page. It doesn't really matter what you're disconnected about. If you are disconnected, I truly genuinely feel like couples therapy can help. Why not suggest that with him? And in addition to the therapy, you're both getting as individuals. I mean, to me, I feel like that's the secret sauce to like have that couples, couples area again, is how you guys

are communicating. Are you guys staying connected? Where's the disconnect? Can that therapist kind of mediate the disconnect and help you guys get on the same page? So it's not necessarily you versus him, but it's just like you two people on a team trying to find a solution to a problem that's making you guys feel disconnected. Try to start there and see if that will help him get more motivated, more determined to solve this problem. He just has to get to the point where he is tired of being in the rut and he is no longer comfortable with feeling the way he is feeling. It is affecting the relationship. And you can tell yourself, oh, I don't want to be superficial and I love him. But at some point, you're going to have to be able to enjoy him again. And you're not really enjoying him because he's having a hard time

enjoying himself. And he's just like, he's just not doing everything he can to help himself. And I'm sure there are valid reasons why, and there's excuses he can make, but everyone has their limit and you just got to have to find it. But the good news is for you is that you guys aren't doing everything you can do, because if you were, then it's like, oh, what else could you do? So try the couples therapy, try to see if that helps you too. And you have a lot of healthy communication with you already, but clearly there's still a disconnect. And my guess is because when you talk to him, you're so hypersensitive and aware about the possibility of hurting his feelings. So you're just probably tiptoeing around things and you're probably not saying things as direct

as you maybe think you should say because you don't want to hurt his feelings. And there's just a lot of ways for both of you to really not hear the other person out of fear of triggering the other person or being insensitive and things like that. Again, that's where I think maybe a couples therapist could really help you guys have the honest conversations you need to have and limit the amount you guys are triggering each one another and see if you can find some common ground.

Yeah, I agree. I think that's a really great idea. Yeah, he seems fairly receptive and open. It seems like you have a lot to work with and there's hope here. You got into therapy. Maybe there's other aspects that you guys thought guys can do. Again, maybe it's taking walks together to get more physical activity. Maybe he sees a nutritionist to like, you know, it could be like, maybe his weight gain could be a result of some allergies he's unaware of. What we put into our body is a huge factor into how we feel on a day-to-day basis.

It affects our skin. It affects our weight. It affects just our overall well-being. It affects our mental health, you know, and he could be more sensitive to certain types of foods than other people are. You know, life's not fair that way. So maybe he looks into a nutritionist to like what foods are affecting his body more than others. What are foods he should try to stay away from? What are foods that might be good for him? And just educate himself. And then he can go from there to make a personal choice of, you know, what type of diet he has.

You know, there's a lot of different ways to, again, to feel you're like your best self. And again, the good news is there's more, he's not doing all of them. And so the question is, is he willing and wanting to try to do these things? Like we've had to buy him like a whole new wardrobe. Like, yeah, it's a struggle.

I know you're in a tough spot, but yeah. Everything that you're saying is so true. And I didn't even think about going to see a nutritionist. And honestly, that's something that I've been wanting to do as well. So that's something that we could do together. Exactly. There you go. So I'm struggling is again, like when we get into the bedroom, like he craves like

that intimacy, like he needs that intimacy. And obviously so do I. But yeah, these circumstantial health problems have definitely like created a disconnect in the bedroom. Listen, there's nothing that's going to magically change in the bedroom. So, and again, back to what I said before, I think your biggest frustration is knowing that he could be doing more that he's not doing and he's kind of settling into this rut that he's in. So if you choose to be in this relationship, like I said before, focus on what you can control. Try to, you know, all the things we talked about. The bedroom stuff, yeah, I don't think there's a magic solution here, you know, because you're not going to magically become more attractive or less

turned off by the things that are turning you off. You can't control that in your mind. So I would try to, unfortunately, kind of do what you have been doing, which you're going to have to play the long game. You're going to have to be patient in the bedroom and you're going to have to trust that you're with someone who is willing to figure out the ways that you are disconnected, try to reduce those, do all the things that you can do, both in their individual therapy, couples therapy, all the other aspects we talked about nutritionists. And again, you're going to have to feel like he is the biggest motivator and you're just his cheerleader, not the other way around. Because right now it sounds like you're his biggest motivator and his cheerleader.

And he's at least willing to allow you to motivate him and be his cheerleader. But that's just exhausting for both of you. It's exhausting for you. And he probably feels like you're a nag, but he knows you're well-intentioned. And it's just like, it's a daily struggle to try to get him to want to be his best self. And to me, that's where your biggest frustration comes from. And I really think that if you saw a shift in that mentality from him you would be more optimistic about the bedroom you'd be willing to be more patient knowing that we're making some improvements

we're making some strides and you'll see that improvement but right now you're not seeing the improvement you want to see and you don't know how to get there so when it comes to the bedroom you feel kind of hopeless because it's like this is nothing we're doing is changing the problem. Yeah. So.

That's hitting the nail on the head for sure. So couples therapy will definitely recommend that. And then when in couples therapy, try to be as honest as you can about like, you know, your frustrations and your struggles. And it's just like, hey, listen, it's like you thought of a nutritionist. So like now you have to play this mental gymnastics. Like, well, do I go to a nutritionist and just like let them know that I'm doing it? You know, because you're trying to figure out how to like almost trick him to do this

rather than like, oh my God, imagine if like you went home today and he's like, hey, babe, I was thinking about seeing a nutritionist. You'd be like, oh my God, you know, like you'd be You'd be blown away. It's always something that's coming from you. You're always thinking about how he can be his best self and it just gets exhausting. And he needs to do that for himself. And you're tired and you're not a bad person for feeling tired. Yeah. Okay. Well, I appreciate that. It's nice hearing it from somebody else. It is something that I hold close to me regardless. I of talking to you about it on a podcast. But I do hold our relationship very, very close to me.

So it is nice hearing that it's not like the end all be all. There is room for growth. We're not doing everything that we could be doing. And I do now have the tools to hopefully improve what we're going through. But I appreciate you saying that. You're putting so much energy into his problems and it's so evident and obvious. And like, that's great that you're doing that. You clearly love him.

But like, imagine where all that energy could be going only to yourself and just you guys in general. And it's just, it's so draining to be in a relationship with someone who is clearly struggling, but doesn't want to help themselves. And everyone has a breaking point and you got to try to figure out what yours is and try to find solutions

before you hit that breaking point. But you're not a bad person for feeling the feelings that you're feeling. All right, well, keep us posted. Let us know where you go from here., I'm sure there's a lot of people very much related to this type of story. And it's a very challenging thing to deal with in a relationship because obviously there's feelings involved and it's very sensitive and you're, you know, you're dealing with aspects of mental health, which, you know, like what's,

when's the right time to push? When do you back off? You know, those are all kind of very variables and unclear answers to those questions. So we empathize with your struggle. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. And thank you guys again so much for taking the time to chat me through it. Yeah, it's tough.

All right. Well, take care. Please keep us posted. Yes, we'll do. Thanks, guys. All right. Well, take care. Please keep us posted. Yes, will do. Thanks, guys. Have a good day. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Take care. Bye. All right, you environmental lovers out there, did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown away each year? Gross. Well, if that is a

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Hey, my name is Samantha. I am 34 years old. I broke up with my boyfriend. He proposed. And after two months, I took him back. And now I'm questioning my sanity again. All right. So wait, you broke up with him.

He proposed to you while broken up? Yes. Okay. And you first said? I said, no, absolutely not. We were broken up. I was questioning why he even thought that was a good idea. We were in a terrible spot in our relationship. And then six weeks went by where he continued to apologize and admit, own up to everything that was wrong in the relationship and how things were going to be better and I think I just got worn down and I really did believe him and he seemed different and changed and I took him back and now I feel like I'm in the same situation I was just like a little less than a year ago.

OK, not to oversimplify your problem, but break up. Yeah, I mean, I feel like I'm at that point again. I think something that's holding me back is just because, you know, he does show sides of himself that I want to be with. And I have two children. They're not his. But I do have two children that he's been in their lives now. That's just another loss for them as well. Yeah, no, that sucks.

And I understand. And that's definitely a variable. But how old are your kids? 13 and 7. OK, they'll survive this. You know, if you ultimately choose that he's not the one for you, they'll be okay. You'll love them. You'll take care of them. Maybe you'll put them in therapy at some point, help them deal with whatever trauma they've experienced from these decisions,

but they'll be fine. You know what I'm saying? And I know you love your kids and you want what's best for them, but you also have to be happy. If we're just going to, for fun, play around with the idea that there is hope for this guy in this relationship. What are aspects of the relationship that you are enjoying? As I love to ask, what do you love about how he makes you feel? The way he's acting right now after he's lied again and made a huge mistake. He lied about, we usually call at night because we live an hour apart. We see each other a few days a week. He called me. I could tell he was drunk because it's pretty obvious. You know, he said he was out for dinner. I'm like, oh, did you go for some drinks? And he's

like, no, just dinner. I'm like, okay. I said, well, it just sounds like you've been drinking. So then he called me later and I questioned him again on it. And he lied and said he wasn't out drinking and he wasn't drinking at all. The next day he calls me and I'm kind of expecting him to own up to it because it's not that big of a deal just to say that, you know, you got off of work and went out. He then said he was going to my house to get all of his things and that we were at an impasse because I don't trust him. Is that true? Well, I didn't trust him because I could tell he was drunk on the phone. But just in general, just in general, do you trust him?

No, not right now. Okay. When he said we're at an impasse because you don't trust me, what did you say? I agreed with him because I didn't know how we were going to go forward unless he owned up to what he did and lied about. But now that he's done that, now I'm not even sure I can. Because a week later after that, we were on a walk and I told him I'm still really struggling. I'm not okay. I don't know if I see a long-term future with you anymore because you lied to me. Now this is like the fifth time. And he said, well, I was going to propose to you today. And I just said, this is so ridiculous. Why would you think about proposing today?

I said, that makes me feel like you don't even think that that line is a big deal. If you think that we're in a place for this, it's like, he only wants to propose or talk about getting married when shit's hitting the fan. Yeah. I mean, you, it seems like you're reading the situation correctly. How long you been with the guy? Just hit two years. I mean, besides the break last year where we weren't together for two months. Okay. What's the biggest reason? Do you think it's the kids is the biggest reason why you're still with them or? We went to couples therapy for a while last year. You know, now, now that this has happened, now he wants to go back to therapy. I just, sometimes I feel like I see signs that he wants to work on this and make it work.

I guess I don't know if I even want to go back to couples therapy because this seems like just something that I'm I'm so frustrated with at this point. But it's also just hard for me and the kids to just say, I'm not going to try. Well, you have tried, haven't you? Yes. Probably pretty hard. Yeah. Yeah. I've forgiven. We've gone to couples therapy. We've worked on things. We're just repeating. You got to give yourself more grace. You know, there's no sense in making yourself feel worse. It's a

tough situation you're in, right? You're sad about it. You know, you care about the guy. You've invested so much in this relationship. It's sad to see a relationship that you cared about and he's been a part of your life and it's hard. There's no point in making yourself feel worse by saying, well, I should try or I don't. You have tried. You tried very hard. So instead of feeling bad about no longer being willing to try, pat yourself on the back and be like, you know what? I have fucking tried so hard for this relationship. I have, in fact, I'm proud of myself for how hard I tried. I've given someone more excuses than they deserve, you know, to the point where I feel almost crazy for how many chances I've given them. And that's effort. It takes in your part. How old are you again?

34. Okay. You're super young. You know, you got a lot of life left ahead of you. And listen, I say this, you know, I'm not a father right and i've said this to my like my guy friends i don't know maybe it's different as women but i've had a handful of guy friends who had kids early in life you know unlike myself they had kids in their you know early 20s and they got married young and then got divorced and and you know it didn't work out to me it's just like it's you know you can look at it either way. Maybe you want more kids, maybe you don't, but you still have two kids. You got two, I'm guessing, wonderful kids

that you love very much. And I'm sure there's challenges in being a mother and being a single mother, but you have two beautiful children. And no matter what happens to you in your dating life, you'll always have them. It's all a matter of perspective. We talked to a lot of women, a lot of people who are single and in their 30s and getting older, who very much want kids, who haven't been lucky enough to have kids. And they're, you know, especially women who feel the, their biological clocks ticking and the pressure of like, hey, I want to be patient. I want to find someone who's right for me and one who serves me. But hey, I want to have fucking kids. So you don't have to worry about that. So maybe that's something you can tell yourself to take a little pressure off yourself.

So you, I guess what I'm saying is have the luxury to be a little bit more selfish when it comes to your love life. You can really shower your kids with the love that they deserve and that you want to give them. And yeah, there might be some bumps in the road and there's some challenges with you dating and introducing your kids to people that ultimately don't work out, it doesn't work out with. And again, that can be, I understand there's challenges there, but you're a young person who it's just, it's a waste of your time to invest this much energy in someone that you've already tried so hard with, who's clearly not making you

happy. And you don't have to worry about like, oh, but I really want kids and I'm 34 and my biological clock's ticking. You have kids, you know? So- Old kids, yeah. Yeah, and focus on the positive. It's like, I'm lucky enough to have

two beautiful children that I love and maybe I want kids in the future, but either way, I have them and I'm lucky to have them because there's a lot of people in my shoes who are single and dating who want kids and haven't been that lucky yet. So just try to focus on the positives. Life is just a matter of perspective in a lot of cases. You're in this rut and you're hanging on to a relationship that it clearly sounds that

you know deep down isn't right for you. It's almost so clear in your head. It's like you're the one calling on behalf of their friend who's like, my friend's dating someone I can't stand and I hate and they're not good for him, but I don't know what to do. She won't break up with him. And that's almost the energy that you have talking about your own relationship, which is actually great. Yeah. I think it's so admirable that you're saying things like, I don't want to put my kids through this and he's been there for my kids. If he has that great of a relationship with them, I would hope that that can still continue,

even if you're not together. But even if it doesn't, what a great example to set for your kids of, OK, I'm not just going to settle for this. I'm not just going to put up with something when like, you know, even in talking with you in a short time, you have put so much effort and you have forgiven. You've been understanding. You're even emotional talking about how much you've tried in this relationship. And I think that's going to be a great example to set for your kids of it's never too late to kind of get what you deserve and stand up for yourself and say no to things that you know deep down aren't right for you. Right. I agree with that last part. I wouldn't suggest you try to be friends with them and have them staying. If you want to be done with this guy, I think, you know, I think just rip the bandaid off and don't torture yourself by thinking that you somehow owe it to your kids to allow this guy to still be in their lives. That's just going to be torture for you.

have to, you know, do some more steps this time because of how last time, you know, every week he wanted to talk, he wanted to talk some more. I mean, just about the breakup and. Yeah. And that's, and I understand you don't own that. You got to start prioritizing yourself first. You're not a bad guy for saying, Hey, listen, I've tried. God knows I've tried to the point that I'm so frustrated at myself and for you for how much I've tried. God knows I've tried to the point that I'm so frustrated at myself and for you for how much I've tried in this relationship. And I'm not mad at you anymore. I just don't think we should be together. And I am sorry if that you don't like that answer. And I'm sorry if you don't agree with me about my choice. And yeah, we can talk a little bit, but you are allowed to say, there's nothing more I can say to you. I just think we should stop

talking. And he can get upset and he can hate you and he can call you names. He can say whatever he wants. But if you want to end the relationship, you need to end the relationship. You need to cut him out. You need to stop talking to him. He's not your friend. He's not your buddy. He's not your companion. You don't have to co-parent with him. He has no rights to seeing your children, all the messiness that comes with parents getting divorced and things like that. You don't owe him any of that. And you don't let him guilt you into thinking otherwise. And the engagement, the proposal is to guilt you. It's guilt. It's manipulation. And I'm not saying it's a Machiavellian like, oh, I'm and we've all done that we've all rose into the occasion and planned a

trip or done the romantic gesture that our partners always asked for when we were in the relationship and when they finally stood their ground we were like oh no i'll i'll do it we've all done that you know he's not a horrible person for it but it's still a bit manipulative and you you're you know better you know you are self-aware you know it's bullshit you know but the only problem is you still you're still feeling a little bit of guilt for it and that's the only thing you have to like tell yourself is that you have no reason you have no reason to feel guilty you've done nothing wrong in fact you've done more than you should. You've tried more than you've had to. You've put so much energy in this relationship.

You took him back already. You gave him another chance that he didn't deserve. And then he proved to you that he didn't really change. So you can leave this relationship with a clear conscience, knowing that you put in maximum effort, that you have no regrets, that you don't have to sit there and wonder, well, did I give up on him too quickly? Clearly not. And then you just have to be his bad guy. It will be better for him if you don't talk to him because he has these talks to look forward to. And even if he's not telling himself, like, I want to get back together with her. He's like, you get to be the thing he thinks about and that he fixates on. You still get to be such a big part

of his life because he doesn't want to let you go because it's upsetting and hard to let people go. But it's, you know, his feelings don't really matter. But just as some like added reassurance, it is truly you saying you holding the line and, you know, maybe you talk to him once after three weeks, whatever feels good to you. But like, know that you enforcing those boundaries is doing both of you a huge, huge favor. Yeah, I think it is the guilt thing because, you know, he turns into a person that I want to be with. But, you know, it's only after these bad things happened and these situations that bring me to wanting to leave when he actually changed. But I feel like he's not going to change forever. This is only going to be a short-term thing. And we're going to be back to

that phase where he was again. I just don't believe his actions right now, even though they're the best version of himself that, you know, he's been in the past six months. You have the answer. you know what you want to do you just have to stop beating yourself up over it you both deserve a fresh start like this guy is never going to get a fresh start with you they're always going to be the ways that he hurt you that he violated your trust that he didn't earn it back like he will never be able to show up in the relationship as the most updated version of himself because there's so much past baggage that he has thrown into this.

And so even though this is like a bittersweet thing to think about, like if he were to be in another relationship, like he would have a fighting chance of actually being the person he's hopefully become. But he's never going to be that person in this relationship because there's history and you know it, you know it in your body and you can't force yourself to like go against your instinct. And your instinct has just told you that there's been too many times and that it's not going to work out.

There's this kind of TikTok audio trend that's going on right now. I don't know. Maybe it's been around for a while. I don't know, but I recently just saw it. And the audio is, don't fall in love with the same person twice because the second time you're falling in love with the idea of them, and that's kind of what's going on with you. You've seen his potential.

You've seen his best. But his best is not really who he is. It's intermittent. It's sporadic. And that's the part that you are hopeful for. But that's not really who he is. His best is surrounded by a bunch of things that you don't deserve. That cause you a lot of frustration and sadness and confusion and pain and anxiety.

And if you want to think about your kids, think about the stress this causes you. And when mom's stressed, that affects how you are around your kids. And the energy that you have tied up into him and being preoccupied is energy that you're not giving to your kids. So instead of making yourself feel bad

about removing him from their lives, they'll get over it. And if you have to send them to some therapy for a little bit to help them process the loss of this father figure or role model they had in their life, you can do that. Your kids will be fine. You're gonna love your kids.

You're gonna take care of them. You're gonna give them everything they need. Just don't use the kids as an excuse to find ways to make a difficult, because it is hard to break up with someone. And I think you're just afraid of quitting. And maybe there's a fear, you know, understandable fear of being single in your mid thirties. But again, back to what I said before, just perspective. Hey, yeah, I don't, I wouldn't want to be single, but I don't have to worry about my biological clock. I have kids.

And if I have more kids, then that's a blessing. But if I never have kids again, I am so lucky to have two wonderful children because there's a lot of people in this world who aren't in the position that I am. So I'm going to count my graces. I'm going to be grateful for what I do have. And I'm going to work on what I want. And I'm going to make some tough choices and I'm going to stay focused on my goals. And I'm going to keep a positive outlook. Oh, thank you. I do appreciate your outlook on it, the situation. I think I just

needed to hear that. Kind of what I've already been thinking and some courage. Help me build some courage. The biggest takeaway is that, yeah, you're not wrong for wanting to end this relationship. And there's going to be a lot of things he's going to say that's going to make you feel bad. Even when he says, you don't trust me. And even when you say, you're right, I don't, it's almost like you feel guilty for not trusting him.

And he's saying that to make you feel bad. Yeah. You have nothing to feel bad about. You need to, for the next couple of days, anytime this comes up, remind yourself and repeat, I have tried so hard. In fact, I am proud of myself for how much effort. I have nothing to regret. I have, you know, I have nothing. No, no stone has been left unturned. I have given this relationship my all and then some. I've exhausted my resources. I'm done. And I have nothing to look back and question my choices. But it is time to let go. And I owe it to myself and my kids to free myself up from this relationship that is at this point just weighing us all down. A quote that I found really

profound and interesting that might be helpful is like, you have to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child. So often, we want to do everything we can to save our children from horrible experiences or from negative emotions. And I think this is a situation where it seems like you trying to stay in this relationship would be really trying to prepare the path for the child and doing something unhealthy versus like, this is an opportunity to have your kids like have conversations about like change and loss and moving on and so it is honestly like I feel like you are such a good mom you are giving it your all and you'll continue to give it your all and

so if there's moments of kind of like faltering or being worried about them missing him just knowing that like them overcoming this experience and learning it's okay to move through life and encounter loss sometimes and that you can keep going is such a beautiful and essential part of life. And you're giving them that lesson. And you're also modeling that for them. That is such a good quote. I'm very familiar with it. So that's a good, very good point. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you so much. Keep us posted. Let us know when you break up with them. Okay. I will try to do that soon. Do you have a plan for how you're going to do it?

I prefer in person. Why? Because you think you owe that to them? Yes. You don't. Listen, all things being equal, yes, it's the most mature thing to do. Yada, yada, yada. But clearly we have recognized that whether it's manipulation or just maybe, maybe you're playing a role in this as well, but he seems to have a way of convincing you to do things that you don't want to do. So while face-to-face might be the nicest thing to do and the most mature thing to do, and you'll get a pat on the back from anyone who's like, I got it for you for like... But if deep down you think that it will drag things out or will make it harder, again, I don't think you owe it to him. you're already going to be his bad guy he's already going to find plenty of things to be angry with at you for and complain to his friends about you etc etc so maybe just give him the whole she broke up with me over text you know or you could

facetime him or whatever and if you want to meet him face to face, but don't let the fact that he is long distance and lives an hour away being the excuse for you to drag out. And because you just haven't had a convenient time to meet up with them and break up with them. Sounds good. Like you could break up with him this afternoon over FaceTime. Yeah, I could. And you just say when you do, I've thought about this a lot. I care about you. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I'm no longer happy. You're right. I don't trust you. I don't think there's anything we can do. We've tried everything. I just want you to respect my wishes. I am so sorry that this didn't work out, but I am not sorry I'm making this decision for myself. And let him be mad. He's going to be mad at you and he's going to try to make you feel bad for your choice. And you know what? He might be hurting and he might be sad. He's going to be mad at you and he's going to try to make you feel bad for your choice. And you know what?

He might be hurting and he might be sad. It's not your problem. Okay. He'll be okay. He'll live. Yeah, me too. Yeah, exactly. All right.

Well, thank you so much. All right. Take care. All right. Bye. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening, guys. We'll see you tomorrow with Suzy Evans.

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