The Viall Files - E624 Ask Nick - Falling For My Prison Penpal

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss what your favorite color says about your love life. Are you a wonderful lover? Or emotionally detached? We dive into all the colors of the rainbow and more. We also read a submission from someone who’s boyfriend still hasn’t said “I love you” after three years of dating. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller is catching feelings for her prison pen pal. After coming across his videos on TikTok, they’ve been messaging and video-chatting for months. She now has the opportunity to visit him in-person in jail, and is wondering if she should follow through or not. Our second caller is worried she’ll get back together with her revenge situationship. Her ex-husband is getting re-married soon, and it looks like everything is going right for him. She’s anxious her jealousy and loneliness will drive her back into the arms of her toxic ex, and is wondering how to overcome these feelings. Our final callers are getting married in a month, and just had their matron of honor and best man dump them. The dumping seemingly came out of nowhere, and they’re not sure if they’re the problem or not.  “Is this Drama Me or Healthy Me?”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month.  Canva - Right now, you can get a 45-day extended trial when you go to Canva.me/viall.  Hello Fresh - Go to http://www.HelloFresh.com/50viall and use code 50VIALL for 50% off plus free shipping.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of Allie and Aviv and Derek. Amanda still on assignment in the land down under kicking soccer balls. We sent her there. I'm like, what is she covering for us? What is what is her assignment? I'm assuming she'll come back with stories, you know.

I should DM her. The texts aren't working. We need to be able to get in touch with our correspondent. Like Facebook Messenger. How have you been texting her i've tried a couple times but it's green i'm guessing amanda is keeping her phone off only when she's not on wi-fi so she doesn't experience i see any data overage but then once you connect to wi-fi wouldn't it then send this blue i don't think it works like that

once she connects to wi-Fi, but in between, she's probably spending a lot of time outdoors, in cars, in bars. She's probably only on Wi-Fi. In cars and bars. Oh, my. When she's at a house.

Even a stadium. I imagine the Wi-Fi is not readily available. No, with all those people and stuff. Yeah, not a chance. Probably quite terrible. That's like SoFi. Yeah. Or Taylor Swift. 90,000. What? Taylor Swift at SoFi. those people and stuff yeah not quite terrible that's like so far yeah taylor swift so 90 000 what taylor swift that's so far have you seen the tiktoks of people being like i understand that this

many people love taylor swift what i can't understand is how this many people like football yeah like well one girl did it people have used the audio yeah genevieve's for you page is just all taylor swift yeah it is i was trying to show you a video and i think i scrolled up seven and all seven of them were taylor and i probably could have scrolled up seven more i just get weird stuff on my for you page yeah derrick's for you yeah i feel like the for you page is a window into someone's soul for you page it's really weird derrick's page is really interesting cigarette i always know when i'm on your tiktok versus mine i'm like this is so boring and then i'm like oh because i'm on nix mine's usually cooking content there's like this doctor that always pops up and it's like this is what your frontal lobe is doing and this is how

these supplements are gonna affect your blah blah blah and i'm like how often are you on my scrolling on my tiktok well because i have to wait fuck it up with my algorithm i'm not fucking it up i don't engage with anything i just get bored if you're stroll it well no if you because i have to wait fuck it up with my algorithm i'm not fucking it up i don't engage with anything i just get bored if you're stroll it well no if you are i have to wait for the tiktok to upload so then it's whatever's on your home screen derek's zoo animals well i just see weird stuff on tiktok i'm like that's weird i better like it yeah see i don't engage with anything that's why i don't comment i don't like i don't think it has anything to do like it just if do you watch you're watching it like do you finish anything to do. Like it's just if do you watch watching it?

Like you finish the video, stuff like that. More than just liking your comedy. I just feel like if I were to ever run for office one day, I wouldn't want someone to be able to go back and see that I like something that's potentially problematic like a decade from now. So I don't leave any trace. No. But in case I ever needed to. I don't want any trace of me. But you want to leave the option open

if you run for office. Yeah. Then again, I'm on this show every day. Yeah, that's probably not good for you. I don't think I'm going to run for any offices anytime soon. All right. Well, we have a great episode

lined up for you. A couple housekeeping notes. Emma Slater from Dancing with the Stars is with us tomorrow for our episode of Reality Recap. We'll be breaking down The Bachelorette, talking about all things reality TV, pop culture. It'll be fun to catch up with Emma and just chat. And then on Thursday of Going Deeper, we got some Summer House madness for you.

That's right. The Sierra and Maya from Summer House will be with us on Going Deeper. So that should be fun. Anything we have to talk about, Genevieve, before we get to our callers? Yeah, I have a question, Nick. What's up? What is your favorite color? I've always said blue. Okay. Lately it's been more green. Okay. Well, which is it, Nick? Because I'm going to tell you what that means for your love life. Let's go green. Green? Okay. Wait, what is this from? So relationship experts, no one in particular, so we can trust it.

People call me a relationship expert. Yeah, maybe you're a part of this article then. Well, relationship experts found out what your favorite color says about your love life. Who are these relationship experts? Dr. Lee Phillips. Okay. He's a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. We can trust Dr. Lee.

Okay. So your favorite color is green. Green is the color of trust and contentment. It is also beautiful and the color of nature. While they may not be prone to risk taking in public, don't underestimate a green behind closed doors. A green. You're a green. You are a green behind closed doors. A green. You're a green.

You are a green. Their sexual generosity knows no bounds when they feel safe and love. Do you agree with that, green? Sure. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think trust is important.

Brayden also. Maybe he's a green. Contentment. If you had said blue, if your favorite color is blue, it means you are a wonderful lover. A wonderful lover. Wonderful. Genevieve, Google for me. What percentage of men claim blue is their favorite color?

How many men are wonderful lovers? I can tell you. We're about to poke some holes. Yeah, we're about to poke some holes in this study. It says blue is the most popular color globally sure with men preferring the color blue more often than women 40 versus 24 okay so the 40 40 of men are not wonderful wonderful lovers i don't buy it wonderful let's look up women derrick what's your favorite color red used to be red shifting a bit more towards like a dark green oh because you two want to be a generous lover no yes yes but no not because of that

okay I'll read you red red is invigorating and exhilarating an invitation for lovers who like initiating passionate engagements it represents confidence passion and the ability to incite Are there any negatives here? Incite cravings? That is crazy. Is red your favorite color? Yeah, for a long time. Like, since child. I feel like red was like a favorite color for boys as kids.

And then like a red car. Yeah. Fire engine. It's a flashy color for sure. Yeah. Like a lot of boy stuff is definitely like red. Red and black is a popular like color combo for boy stuff. I feel like.

They have so many colors here. Whose favorite color is gray? Maybe someone's. So we do have negatives. And guess what it is for gray gray is a controversial color in romance it symbolizes emotional detachment a lack of excitement or enthusiasm for those who favor this color oh there you go i'm often have a lack of excitement or enthusiasm in your love life no just in life oh well how are you doing all of these things how

do you have a lack of motivation but you're also a generous lover you're such a complicated individual multifaceted oh my god well i could be a generous lover and bored at the same time oh ashante what is your favorite color it was good for you because i hated it the whole time if you't tell, I think this is a stupid article, but it's fun. It is fun. What about green? Is there a negative for green or blue? No, no.

Blue, you're just a wonderful lover. You're just a wonderful lover. You just sold out gray. Pink was good. Pink was... Combining the passion of red with the purity of white, pink signifies unconditional love along with romance adorned by intimate care sensuality becomes central for pink enthusiasts who devote time pampering themselves

through massages or indulgent baths that makes a lot of sense i don't take baths oh my god we just blew this article wide open it's all we have to call up Dr. Lee holy shit wow I have another question that doesn't go along with the survey so maybe you'll take it more seriously how early do you think a person can say I love you ooh how soon when did you guys say it

Nick and Natalie we had known each other for like eight months so before you define the relationship it was like all at the same time well then other side of the coin, how late can someone say I love you? The early part, love means different things to different people. And so like, you know,

you can feel the intensity of love. And I do think if you say you met someone and you were in love with them at first sight, you just have the benefit of hindsight. You know, I don't know, like you meet someone for a couple of weeks and you can feel like you're in love with them. I guess it just depends on what you think and feel. Like, do you know their bad habits? The too long part, that's a little trickier too, because it's like people have the right to go at their own

pace and take their time. And, you know, because people can like confuse their intense feelings with maybe other feelings, you know? And when we feel something, we want our partners to match that feeling and then we can get discouraged if they're not quick to say it and yada yada. But I think more importantly, I think the timing, there's no right or wrong, but ideally you're in alignment with your partner. Because I do think love at its truest form in relationships is predicated on feelings being reciprocated. You know, are you really in love with someone if they don't love you back? You know, I guess you could argue, sure, I guess you can care for,

but like being in love with someone, I think it's more about a bond. Like if you're like, I'm in love with them and they're like, but hate you what are they giving you to feel that being in love so i think it's a lot about reciprocation i asked because we had a writer in her email in and say um tiffany emailed in she said i'm 27 and my boyfriend cole is 32 we've been dating for three years and have not said i love you yet they haven't neither okay see then i i've wanted to say it multiple times but i've held myself back every time he's 32 all of his friends are either engaged married or married with kids and he's in no rush we have a lot of fun together but he never brings up serious conversations or he avoids it when i try to bring it up like what Like probably she says,

he wants me to stop putting timelines on things and stop comparing us to other relationships. So I'm sure she's probably trying to bring up engagement. Like why haven't we said that yet? Marriage. If we haven't said that yet, where is this even going?

Children. Do you see that down the line for us? And her question is, how do I initiate the serious conversation and what do I say if he doesn't say I love you? Well, I don't know if it's like a conversation. Have you ever had a conversation? Hey, I need to talk to you and sit down and be like, all right, I love you.

No one ever does it like that. You just kind of put it out there. And then, you know, you kind of see if they say it back. It's confusing, though, because they've been together three years. Like, I'm sure that there is love between them. It's confusing, though, because they've been together three years. Like, I'm sure that there is love between them. I think it's a red flag that she doesn't feel comfortable communicating with her partner about serious stuff.

It sounds like she's tried to and he shuts her down. If she was calling in, my guess is she hasn't tried to. What she's done is passive aggressively tried to bring it up by comparing their relationship to other relationships she sees. And, oh, so-and-so, they're married, blah, blah, blah. And like, why aren't we? She's not focusing on him and her. So when it comes to like communicating love, I would just say, say it. There is a risk there, you know, but there's no guarantees, right? And I think it's important that she feels more comfortable bringing up these topics. And it should have nothing to do with their friends. You lose your credibility when you start comparing your relationship and your feelings to others, because you're right, every relationship is different. And you always give that other

person the opportunity to say, well, we're not them and our relationship is different. And they're always right every time they say that. And you don't need to compare to focus on the things that you want to focus your relationship on. To be fair, though, she mentioned, you know, why don't we move in together? Why don't we rent a place? And he keeps citing that one of his friends went through a bad breakup recently and had to split his house with his wife who cheated on him. He always brings that up when they talk about renting a place together. So he's kind of doing the same thing.

Sure. So he's kind of doing the same thing. Sure. So then she should remind him, we will not use our friends as excuses or as ways to kind of manipulate and encourage us to take another step. Their decisions about the relationship will be solely based off of how their relationship is going. But she, more importantly, should just have the right to feel comfortable to say her feelings about a situation. And then he needs to be willing to sit down and say, well, let's talk about our relationship. He's kind of stonewalling and be like, well, I don't want to put a timeline on it. Well, okay. That was fine within the first three months that you're dating, but you're 32. You've been dating for three years. It would be fair to ask what's this relationship about? So it sounds like they have a huge communication problem in

the relationship. And the fact that the tone is, I don't feel comfortable talking to my partner about important relationship issues. To me, that's the red flag. And it sounds like the only reason they haven't said it is because he hasn't said it. He's got way too much control. And I would also guess that the power dynamic is off here. She is so afraid of getting an answer she doesn't want, she never speaks up and never puts her feelings out there. And when she does, it's usually more indirectly and passive aggressively by making suggestions or comparing and things like that. You have to have direct conversations. You have to be able to sit down and say, hey, can we talk? I'm really concerned about the fact that we never really talk about where our relationship is going. And we have been together for three years. And if that's too much for you after three years, then that's a concern. If you're not willing to talk about

timelines with me after three years, I'm concerned. I'm concerned that this relationship as it is, is enough for you. And it's okay for her to say that this relationship as it is, isn't enough for her. This relationship, just from the letter, sounds like it would be enough for someone who has been dating someone for three months, not for three years. But all we are is just dating with, you know, we don't communicate words of affirmation. We don't say, I love you. There's no talk about taking the next steps. And that's fine if they, you know, maybe he doesn't want to get moved in with someone before he's married or engaged. That's fine. There's other ways to progress a relationship, but he seems unwilling to have any of those conversations.

And then he uses the excuses of other people's relationships. Is he implying that he thinks she's going to cheat on him? He kind of is. Or he's just making up excuses. I wonder if for him, if he thinks that somehow him saying I love you, it's like too serious. It's moving it too forward. It's another form of moving in together or getting engaged. Like maybe he's just anti-commitment in general.

We don't have a ton of information, but what I'm guessing is, yes. I've been doling out information. There's more? She did say that at the beginning of our relationship, he told me about his ex-girlfriend who said I love you after eight months. And he thought it was way too soon. kept saying it eventually he said it back and he didn't mean it so she's worried that that could become a situation for them too if he does finally say it he might not mean it burned what does love mean to this guy another great question i don't know if you guys have seen barbie but ken calls barbie his uh long distance low commitment

girlfriend yeah and it feels like that's kind of the situation here. If they keep having fun, light conversations. She also says that they both live at their parents' houses, which is an hour and a half away from each other. So he just might be seeing this relationship as a low commitment, long distance. She has no idea what a relationship means to her boyfriend. And she is too afraid to ask important questions and my guess is is that she gives him all the power in the relationship

she doesn't speak up when something's on her mind i'm guessing she doesn't know that answer she also said my boyfriend does want to get married and have children but i only recently found out this information as i only recently got the courage to ask him. Yeah. Yeah. She's building up courage to ask basic questions. These are questions that would have been appropriate like on a fourth date. Seems like very little effective communication in this relationship.

Maybe he does get a little slow burn. But like the fact that he was dating someone for eight months and felt like eight months of saying I love you was too much pressure for her and then begrudgingly agreed to it and then regretted it, this sounds like a guy who isn't all that interested in building an emotional connection with their partners. It sounds like a guy who likes having a girlfriend and doesn't necessarily love being a boyfriend

and doesn't necessarily love being in a partnership with somebody. I'd love to ask him, like, why do you have a, like, why do you have a girlfriend? What's, what's the draw? Like, what do you get out of being in any relationship? And then what do you get out of being in this relationship? So if I was her, I'd ask that question. Why do you like having a girlfriend? And then why do you like being in a relationship with me also i want an update i'm invested now if she asks that question i want i want to know the answer should we have her call in she was

turned too nervous to call in which is why we're reading this is not shocking but i also like i don't want to say that that's on her for like you know thinking that she had to work up the courage like that's the energy he's putting out to make her feel like she had to work up courage to ask that question at this point it's both their faults sorry okay i'm wondering if it's like a compatibility issue sure yeah but like how how long can you blame someone she hasn't asked basic question and yes maybe he doesn't make it easy but like yeah she is not listening to herself she's not trusting her gut she's just going along with it. And she is also, I would guess, just as guilty of just being happy having a boyfriend and not caring

about, you know, I'd want to ask her, why do you have a, like, what's, what do you want out of being in a relationship? What do you want out of having a boyfriend? What needs do you want met? I'd want to ask her that question because right now she's only in the relationship for the sake of having a boyfriend and then hoping for things. It doesn't sound like there's a partnership here. You know, you can't be in a relationship with someone this long and have it be one person's fault. Right. I'm sure at this point he thinks this is exactly what she wants to or both on the same page because she might not even thinking about what maybe what she wants. What he wants, it sounds like, is to just have the girlfriend

and have her be available for girlfriend and boyfriend stuff when he wants, but he's not interested in advancing a relationship. But yeah, if it takes that long, you're clearly not communicating. You need to find the courage to trust your gut and you need to find the courage to communicate what your gut is telling you

to the people you're in relationships with. I'll email her. Ask for an update. Encourage her to rest. And see if she's willing to reconsider. Yeah. Yeah. The household and the audience is invested in.

Yeah. Right at her back says, Nick says you're going nowhere fast. We need an emergency call. 911. Alert. SOS. Anyway. And ask an emergency call. 911. Alert. SOS. Anyway. And ask what her favorite color is.

Yeah. Probably what's your favorite color. And what's his favorite color? It's probably gray. Probably blue. Yeah. A wonderful lover. Anywho, don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com for all things

Ask Nick, texting office hours, mediations. We had a couple of mediations coming up. But yeah, be sure to send in those emails to us. Oh, and this Friday, don't forget, we have another update special on Vile Files Plus. So if you are missing out on all those Vile Files Plus update specials, well, stop. Just go to vilefiles.com and sign up for Vile Files Plus. It's free to sign up. Imagine how many updates you can listen to in the seven free days that you have. But either way, check it out. Another one is dropping this Friday.

You do not want to miss it. Don't forget, we got another episode of Better Date Than Never live at 9 p.m. Eastern this Thursday. Again, tomorrow we are with you with Emma Slater. It's going to be a wild and fun week. Thanks for sticking with us. Let's get to our caller. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Tiffany and I'm catching feelings for my prison pen pal. Alright. You're catching feelings for your prison pen pal. How did. You're catching feelings for your prison pen pal. How did we meet our incarcerated friend? We met on TikTok. You met on TikTok?

Someone, yeah, someone made a TikTok and they all posted like videos looking for pen pals. And I responded to one of them. And we've been talking for almost three months now. All right. It was a TikTok about pen pals? Yeah. So they're looking for pen pals and it like was showing up on my For You page over and over of like different people. And then I saw his and it was actually someone like that I would write to you it was attractive because of his face yeah did you know at the time that he was incarcerated yeah okay and what did you think about that well the first thing i did was i googled him to see like make sure he wasn't

like a murderer yeah what did he do he robbed a convenience store. Was it with a weapon? No, but like kind of. It was just a gun magazine. So just like the magazine. Gotcha. This is wild stuff. And like, I'm assuming you did this out of what, curiosity? Like what compelled you to like want a pen pal in the first place?

So like it started off as a joke. And I like asked my friend about it and I sent it to her and she was like, do it. And I was like, no. And she was like, just do it. So I did it. And then we actually started like talking and like messaging. And then we started talking on the phone and doing video visits. All right. So we're not just writing anymore. We are in a full on virtual relationship, essentially. Sure. Yeah. Have you thought about visiting him i have and like everyone i've talked to like they're obviously my friends so they're telling me to go do it so that's why i wanted to write it and get kind of like an unbiased opinion your friends are telling you to go do it yeah okay do your friends love you i'm just kidding i mean listen do it for the story i mean would you have to get on a plane to do this? Yeah.

So I'm in Oklahoma and he's in Idaho. That's like a four hour flight. How old is he? He's 29. How old are you? 26. Okay. When does he get out?

February. Okay. So it's kind of like if I'm going to visit, I need to like do it because I don't want to waste any more time just to see. Because you want the thrill of visiting someone in prison? You don't want to waste any more time just to see. Because you want the thrill of visiting someone in prison? You don't want to waste any more time as if he's literally getting out. Well, it's like a controlled environment, you know? Because if I don't like him, I could just leave after the visit. He's still getting out.

But like if I go for like three days when he gets out, then I'm like stuck there. That's true. If things are off in person or if you want to see what the vibes are like would you go for like a daytime visit are you allowed overnight so i would i was thinking about going on a friday visit saturday and then come home sunday got it okay okay so it's a couple hour visit and then it's like over with got it okay how long has he been in prison about two years first offense second offense like are we concerned about him being rehabilitated obviously things are different but like just

based on the conversations we had and he could totally be like blowing smoke at my ass but like i feel like maybe not as worried as doing something after like to go back. I'm curious like in the letters like what have been the kinds of things that have like made you really like gravitate towards him or where you've sort of like felt like you've seen qualities that you would look for in someone like you want to be involved with romantically? I think just when we like talk it just never was really like awkward like not knowing what to say like there was just always something to say like even on the phone I was super nervous like it just kind of always flowed like it wasn't like weird or anything was there a moment that it shifted from like friendly to more romantic like is he very much on the same page that this is what

he wants yeah I think it kind of shifted like once we started doing video visits and phone calls that it was kind of like a little more not just just like, hey, what's up type of thing, you know? Listen, I think people can learn from their lessons. I don't know. I definitely proceed with caution. There is a thrill here, obviously, you know, you're not the first person to, you know, catch feelings with someone in prison. I don't know. It's like a thing, you know, people are into it. You know know at first you wrote them pen pal whatever pure curiosity you're just kind of like this is kind of a almost almost like a gag you went with your friends but I think I don't know who asked the question but when things shifted at that point where you just kind of along for the ride and just like caught up in the

intoxication of this thing or when you did kind of catch feelings where you were did you start saying to yourself all right well i gotta make sure he's a good guy you know and listen there's a lot of guys not in prison right who are shitty boyfriends and and and don't prioritize their girlfriends and and speak negatively and and are quick to anger and say mean things did he say why he did it? Other than like, I mean, I'm sure he said he needed the money, but. Right. No, he like just needed the money.

And then what's he want to do when he gets out? Okay. So he wants to like start talking to people about like substance abuse and things like that. Okay. And kind of like work in that type of aspect. Cause I guess his uncle does it too. So they were kind of like work in that type of aspect because i guess his uncle does it too so they were kind of like talking or whatever is his uncle also a former inmate i don't know you didn't that didn't that you didn't maybe maybe well i didn't ask i don't know does he want to go back to school at all to be like a counselor or a teacher you know like what do

you mean he wants to just talk to people it's kind of limited just because he's a felon so i don't you know yeah i don't yeah no i get i get there's limitation like a great it's not like a green flag but yeah listen i mean at the end of the day how how he treats you matters what's your favorite thing about him i just feel like he like hypes me up okay nice i mean it's uh it's hard to like pinpoint like certain things when i haven't seen him you know like that's why i feel like if i just go i'll either know like yes or no and just have some type of clarity maybe i i think if you don't know i think if you're not into him you'll know if you find if you meet up and you think he's a hottie a little charming you still don't know i don't want you to meet him and go, yep, this is my guy.

And so I'm assuming when he gets out of prison in Idaho, he'll have a parole officer and... Yeah, he'll be on parole for eight years. For eight years. Will that allow him not to leave the state of Idaho? So he can leave. It just has to be pre-approved. And they have to turn in where they're going to be staying,

addresses, phone numbers, things like that. And then obviously they have to turn in like where they're going to be staying addresses phone numbers like things like that and then obviously they have to approve it all right what's his uh what's his relationship history um not great how so tell me tell me why isn't great so he talked about in his video that he made his ex-girlfriend or whatever and how she was cheating on him when he got into prison okay so that was like his like tagline in the video or whatever that he posted on tiktok how does he talk about his exes i mean other than the one who cheated on him i imagine he's imagine he's like not thrilled with her but right he said that he wished that he didn't like post that and like put it all out there okay why and that he was just upset and just because he just said that's just not like how he

is and he just wished that he didn't like say that okay him getting cheated on is not necessarily his his fault but what else do you know about his dating history um he has a daughter so his baby mama doesn't have custody of the kid so his mom actually has custody of their kid his mom has custody of the kid yeah yeah because i guess she's in and out of jail too how does that make you feel i'm like i looked up their court records and i mean everything he said was like true okay i mean the fact that he has a daughter is i feel like a green flag yeah well how does he speak about his daughter like yeah he talks about her and how they do visits like video visits and like three, four times a week.

And then they talk on the phone almost every night. And because she's eight. Okay. Do you feel like you're able to, because like even just hearing this, I'm realizing like I know so little. I think about like, on one hand, I'm like, everybody deserves love.

People are capable of like evolving and growing as humans. I also like, there's a part of me that's like, kind of from a protective standpoint, like, okay, this is someone who has like a history of like evolving and growing as humans i also like there's a part of me that's like kind of from a protective standpoint like okay this is someone who has like a history of like violence or cry like however you want to categorize it like right do you feel like you're able to address that with him and kind of talk about how that's like in starting a relationship like somebody who has like a criminal record like there are a lot of ways in which that's kind of like a record scratch like red flag situation like do you feel like that's something we were able to like talk about that with the two of you like openly? Yeah. So we've had like some conversations about

it just kind of like, my fears and hesitations, obviously, it's not like, super great, you know, and not like what my parents would have picked out for me. And we've talked about it. And there just needs to be some like proof of change. I feel like, cause it's hard to just say, I trust someone. I don't really know.

Yeah. Well, how much does he talk about like really wanted to like change his life? Like almost like every day we talk about it. Okay. He just talks about how he really wants to like right his wrongs and he's not moving back to where he was from. Cause he doesn't want to be like in that area around that same you know crowd of people and really wanting to like you know not

go back to any of that okay i think the hard part is just like because you guys are only you know talking right now he can't really act on anything he's saying so we just don't know come february right if these things are going to actually happen or if he's going to slip back into old ways or if that was just like something that sounded good. It's impossible to know because it's six, seven months away. I don't know anything about this guy. He's made an investment in our wonderful caller. I'm guessing he has some self-consciousness about what it means to be a convicted felon. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to have these conversations. If she accepts him for who he is, on some level, there's value there. Are you assuming you're the only one he's written? Okay. So at first, no, because the TikTok, it got 500,000 views. So it blew up.

If you think you're safe, do it for the story. I don't have this non-negotiable policy. I talk to my friends, don't ever talk to someone who's ever been in prison before. I don't have this like non-negotiable policy. I talk to my friends. Don't ever talk to someone who's ever been in prison before. I don't know. Proceed with caution for sure. You know, absolutely. Something that would be really important for you to do is to make sure that you feel comfortable challenging him or questioning him. Okay.

And do you feel comfortable having potentially awkward conversations with him? And how does he react to those conversations? Is he open to you saying, hey, listen, I know we built a lot, blah, blah, blah. But like there's something, you know, like checking in with his past about his past. Is he patient with you? Ask him now and then. I'm sure on some level he might get defensive and say, hey, you're always bringing it up. But do you feel like you're comfortable with this? Yeah. Like I could talk to him.

Yeah. And I think it's just really important after you meet him, especially if things go well, and you're kind of like, you feel something like a little spark chemistry, you get excited, just like anyone else, whether they're in prison or they're not, we have a tendency when we do get really excited about someone to stop asking questions, to stop checking in, to make excuses for them, to fill in our own gaps. Instead of asking questions, we'll just assume for ourselves that the answer to our questions about who they are or what they might think or how they might handle a situation, we'll just fill in the blank with whatever you think the best scenario or best possibility is.

And we fall in love with the idea of people. Like going to meet him while he's still in prison, I think you're right. It's generally safe. It's kind of, you know, are you going to go with a friend? Yeah, so I have a friend that would go with me. Okay, that's good that you're not going alone. Yeah, you'll be safe. There'll be guards everywhere, right?

I mean, check and make sure. I don't know how prisons are, but just make sure you're safe but it sounds like you will and then i guess we're and then you're just gonna have to call back and we're just gonna have to reevaluate you know like yeah i think that's the plan right right yeah you know what questions do you want to ask them when you get there are you just gonna kind of feel it out i don't know i kind of want to like feel it out because i feel like it'd be kind of like awkward like it's not the most ideal you know like first meeting in person scenario are conjugal visits a thing or not only in four states so that's not one of them okay that's why i asked i was like is it daytime is it evening

and i think and i think you have to be married anyway. So we're good. Back to the question of like, was, were you the only one he was writing and we kind of got off track. Oh, okay. So he like, obviously I figured like, he got a crap ton of messages and he did. And he just said like, he responded to some of them, blah, blah, blah. And then, so like the way it works, people can add you, but he can't add someone if that makes sense.

Like they have to add him first. So then once it got like, quote unquote, more serious, we were on a video visit and he like showed me his thing, like his tablet. And like he deleted everyone, like besides me to like show me that he wasn't talking to anybody. So, I mean, I don't, I don i don't know yeah i proceed with extreme caution let's say you go meet him let's say you're like fuck you know honestly seems kind of cute i had a good time i'm kind of looking forward

to getting him getting out i hope that you'd be comfortable saying something like this and say like listen i like you and it was great to meet you but obviously like liking you makes me really nervous and i hope that's okay for me to say obviously thank you for being so honest about your past obviously with you having been in prison it's like it's not something i expected for myself but i want i want to be able to look past that but i really hope that you're okay with me taking things really slow i hope you're okay with me taking things really slow. I hope you're okay with me checking in and ask you a lot of questions. I like you, but I need you to help me feel comfortable with this. And I hope that you are able to, when I pump the brakes or when I set

a boundary, I hope that you can respect that. And I think you really need to take a very kind of boss lady approach of like setting expectations clearly with him and seeing how he responds. I think you need to be very direct about your expectations with him. No, for sure. Because I want you to feel in control of this situation, you know, and if you feel confused or out of control, then I think that's a red flag for you to say, maybe this isn't the healthiest situation for me to proceed. But take things really slow.

Do you think there's a 90% chance? Like, where is your head going right now? Am I the final green light? Like, if it was like, all your friends are wanting you to go, short of me saying, there's no, absolutely don't go. Here's why. But like, not that you would necessarily listen to me. But like, what's stopping you from going at this point? Even if I say, go for the story. I i mean i think i'm just more nervous than anything like i just don't

want to go and then potentially like get stronger feelings and then i come back and it ends up just not you know working out or he gets out it doesn't work out and then i feel like i've wasted you know listen but i guess that's just like a fear it's a common fear and it's a silly fear and the fact that he's in prison is kind of meaningless when it comes to this fear listen dating is an investment falling in love is an investment people get together and break up all the time regardless of whatever happens with this guy it might be no different certainly don't make the mistake of you know oh my god i invested all in him. I owe it to myself to keep it going. No, like that's the beauty of breaking up. It's weird because people still like,

we have such a, like a reluctance, especially nowadays to get married for all the reasons why, you know, marriage might not make sense for people. And yet we act like being exclusive or dating someone is like marriage. We can break up. You can end things. And it's not a waste. You know, it's a great story. I mean, your next boyfriend might be like a little weirded out that you dated a felon, you know, but I think you get past it. I'm kind of leaning towards going and just one, doing it for the story and just kind of like seeing instead of having like, what if?

Well, that's the thing, because right now you're already in the what if. If you don't go, you're always going to be like, what if I went? You know, that's what I'm saying. So maybe I should just go. And maybe there's an argument to be made that you might feel. I think you mentioned kind of alluded to this earlier that you might feel more comfortable visiting him in prison for the first time, knowing that you kind of have nothing to worry about rather than him getting out, you visiting him in public for the first time, knowing that you kind of have nothing to worry about rather than him getting

out, you visiting him in public. Yeah. Maybe, maybe you'll feel a little safer. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.

I'd rather do the visit cause then I can just leave after. And then if I don't want to, you know, I think if you're comfortable, you can, you have a friend that will go with you, you feel and know that you're safe, then I think go for the story. And then I think you just kind of have to reevaluate after that. I think you call,

you let us know what happened. You give our audience the tea. I think everyone's going to be super invested. And then we'll evaluate together after that about how you feel about the situation. What are your next steps? And we'll go from there. But just know that you can always break up. You can always end things with this guy. You're not committed to this guy. You going to visit him doesn't mean you have to keep hanging out with him. You might like him at first. Then he might get out of prison.

He could be a totally different prison person after he gets out. Things might change. You might meet someone new between now and then, and you might have to reach out to him and say, hey, I'm sorry, but like, I just, you know, this isn't working for me anymore and i'm really sorry i hope that's okay it's been nice getting to know you best of luck in life and you know this is this is moving on yeah this is an interesting story when do you think you might go i'm thinking like october october early october because i have a lot of work stuff in like august and september so that's kind of like the only time that like works and you might change your mind you know i have to get approved yeah approved by the prison yeah they have to approve

you okay and that takes a little bit what's your favorite thing about him and what is something about him that you're kind of fuzzy on i think i'm kind of fuzzy on just obviously i'm here and he's in idaho he can get out and he can either go back to the same stuff and it can just be like, I don't know. It's just so many like things up in the air. And then, I mean, my favorite thing about him, like when we talk, I just like feel good. Like he makes me feel good.

And I feel kind of like heard more than I have in like previous relationships, I feel like. Well, I mean. Only because he doesn't have anything else to do. Yeah, that there is that he's stuck in prison um at least I know where he is there is that we go the silver lining have you been cheated on before yeah yeah one more thing to keep in mind is just that like in any dating situation like I feel like you know like the whole idea like you invest in someone and then if it doesn't pan out it feels like it was a waste but like it's not a waste if you're like practicing like getting to know someone having difficult conversations communicating so like

i would just like my hope like if i feel like if you're one of my good friends like the thing i would say is just like know that like if like he gets out and a week into it you're like i don't know that this is going well like don't let't let the like, I'm stupid. I shouldn't have done this narrative, like keep you from making a good choice. Like, no matter what you decide, like, I just feel like because you are kind of starting with like an upfront, big investment in terms of like, you know, you have to go, you have to go visit him like you're waiting to see him in person regularly. So like, you're just like investing a lot right now. And so I just would really, really want want to like be careful of not letting that like cloud your vision of how things go from there yeah for sure okay keep us updated i appreciate all of the help yeah well good luck and just

you know enjoy do it for the story but yeah just and if it doesn't work out with him just uh whatever you have been through in past relationships, just know you deserve a lot. And there's a lot of, you know, decent guys out there. Everyone has to meet a lot of trolls before they meet their Prince Charming, so to speak. And vice versa with men and women, you know. If it doesn't work, I don't think I will get another pen pal. But yeah. But you know what?

You did it once. People have met in crazier ways, you know what you did it once but people have met in crazier ways you know just take it slow don't be afraid to ask questions check in with your friends and make sure that other than us but make sure you also have people who it's exciting as this is to like kind of live through you that you have friends or maybe your parents that aren't afraid to tell you to pump the brakes and just say, hey, are you sure this is the right decision? And just check with you. And you just want to take it slow and protect yourself. All right. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you. Keep us posted.

All right. All right. I will. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Therapy is important. I just went to therapy today and I feel refreshed, revived mentally, feel clear and crisp. And if you are someone who has been considering therapy and, you know, as one often does, it can be a bit of a hurdle, a mental hurdle to try to, you know, get into therapy. Or maybe just haven't found the right therapist. You know, maybe just don't know where to go. It's kind of a personal question too. You know, you want a recommendation, but it's like, who do you ask? Or maybe you tried therapy, you know,

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Canva for Teams might just be one of the main things uniting us here in the Vile Files household. And it's why when Genevieve came to join our team, I said, welcome to the world of Canva and Canva for Teams. This is how we stay synchronized. It doesn't matter if Genevieve's making something, if I'm making something, if Derek's making something, we are using the same colors, the same fonts. We can keep up with each other's progress on various projects. We use it for video posts. We use it for Instagram stories. We use it for different graphics, for flyers.

Truly, they have templates for every single thing, whether it's a still image or something that's moving. And I really think it's the reason that we have become so successful here on this show. We're using Canva Teams every day here at the Vile Files household. And if you have upcoming projects, if you want to design like a pro, you got to think of Canva. What's so great about that is that you can have professionally designed content without having to hire a professional. Canva for Teams has a video editor that is so easy to use with tons of filters, animation, and transitions that it will bring your group content to life. Collaborate with

Canva for Teams right now. You can get a free 45-day extended trial when you go to canva.me slash V-I-A-L-L. That's C-A-N-V-A dot M-E slash V-I-A-L-L for a free 45-day extended trial. Canva.me slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Hi, Nick. My name is Ellie. I'm 35 years old and I'm worried I'm going to get back with my revenge toxic situation. Okay. What do you mean by revenge? So the backstory is that my now ex-husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with my now four and a half year old. Oh boy. He left our marriage and I was rough. It was real rough. And I, you know, I've spent the last four and a half years being a mom, running my business, trying to just like keep it all together

while he kind of went out and lived his life and created a family for himself. And he's now getting married in a couple of weeks And everything kind of just seems to be going right for him. And it's hard to watch him just like live out this really, I know it's not perfect, but it feels perfect from this side. You know, he's got a bunch of kids now, perfect house,

a really healthy relationship. What do you mean by a bunch of kids? I kind of have been dealing with this situationship over the last year and a half. And it feels like I'm just burying myself there and not looking at the reality of what that's doing to me. Okay. Well, I mean, at least you sense that that's a head start. What do you mean?

But he has a bunch of kids. Did he marry? Is he marrying into some kids? Yeah. So his girlfriend has two kids of her own and then they got pregnant after being together for four months. And then they have my son who brings their total to four kids. Okay. So they have quite a handful over there. You know, also potential baggage. Yes, that's true. We love a single mom with kids, but you know, as you, as you know, but like,

I'm just saying like the important thing is, and I think you've kind of alluded to it. You don't, you don't know his life at this point. And he is certainly not going to give you the satisfaction of letting you know that he has anything other than amazing unless it was, unless he thought it would serve his needs. So yeah, that's true. So you're just torturing yourself, comparing his perceived happiness with yours. Yeah. And I think I kind of make a little progress and I know I don't want to

be with him. There's no, there's nothing left there for me. She's all, she's got him now, you know, he's all hers, you know, but I think it's just watching this person that hurt me so deeply succeed while I'm over here in this like unhealthy thing when I find myself to be just like put together and like healthy. But I can't attract someone healthy and he's doing well. Who said anything about your inability to attract someone healthy? What you are doing is allowing someone unhealthy into your life. There's nothing to do with attraction. It has to do with like a lack of boundaries so instead of playing the whole like for lack of a better word victim

in the sense that you can't help but attract bad people that's the thing it's there are bad people everywhere and bad people they're attracted to people people who have a variety of weaknesses. A weakness being someone who's weak on setting and enforcing boundaries for themselves. Someone who has a bit of pain in their life or sadness. You know, someone who might have been cheated on who is a single mom. Vulnerability, bad and toxic people are attracted to people with hurt and vulnerability of which you have. Right. So they might be attracted to you, but you're not attracted to them.

You're just allowing them into your life. I don't know. I don't know if I hope that makes you feel a bit better. But like, stop saying yourself, why am I attracting bad people? Also, like, you know, maybe his new soon to be new wife sucks. I don't you know, I don't know. I mean, that's the thing is she kind of doesn't. And I'm like, how?

There's something that I'm missing here because for her to be attracted to him, I don't get it. Did he cheat on you with her? No, he did not. It was kind of this weird secondary betrayal, though, because I didn't know about her until they'd already been together for eight months. And he and I had kind of repaired our friendship to co-parent alongside each other, our son. And he hid her from me for about eight months. And then by the time I knew about her, she was already pregnant. They were super serious. She'd moved here and they were going to basically start their life together. Well, he is a liar. So there's that.

He's a liar. Yes, he's a liar. And I, you know, and I think at this point, I want to know how I can prevent myself from dipping back into that. Because I think everything going on with my ex just makes me feel like I need solace and I need somewhere to run and I need like a grounding and like a safe person to go to. And this person is always there. And I think that's why I allow them back in over and over. Why is the situationship currently not a thing? He has a lot of things he needs to work on that he doesn't want to work on. And he's really content with where he's at in life. And I'm not okay with the things that he's content with, I guess you could say. He has kids of his own and he stays at his ex-wife's house to watch them and be with them. And he and his ex-wife don't have any boundaries either. They kind of still act married. And so I think there's just a lot of non-negotiables there that aren't being met. And he knows that.

And so he'll just kind of disappear when he is challenged with any of those things. And then he'll reappear about two months later, six weeks later, just a little text acting like nothing happened. And I allow it back in, even though I know I shouldn't. So you got the fact that you guys are not a thing right now. Is that more his choice or your choice? Uh, he disappeared last week after me making comments about him and his ex-wife okay i hate that for you but we can we can rectify that the self-pity doesn't help you and i'm sure as a single mom it can it's nice to have companionship a little bit of sex a little bit of love a little attention attention, all these things. But you've given this guy a shot.

He's proven to you to be a mess. Dealing with his shit is just something that preoccupies you. I had this thought last night. I'm going to run it by you. I feel like if someone were to ask me about my ability to just generally be happier, and I feel like I'm in a pretty happy part of my life, but if I were to sum it all up, I think I learned how to be less dramatic. And I think therapy has helped me to be less of a drama queen. And I think we're all drama queens. I think inherently we love drama. When bad things happen to us,

or that's when good things happen to us, it's fun to obsess over it. It's fun to think about it. It's fun to think about what it means. When bad things happen to us, it's the drama of like, I can't believe that happened to me. How could they do this to me? And we kind of just obsess over how it happened, why it happened, how could it happen? We're the heroes in our story. Then we have a villain, right? Your husband was the villain. And I'm sure you've spent a lot of time,

how could this happen? And why me? And a lot of those feelings are normal, right? You have to go through that process. But there's always a point of when things happen, good or bad, that we're kind of run its course of healthy processing. And everything after that is just kind of like for the drama, something to do in our heads. I'm still dramatic. I still love the drama. I still love to be like, oh, who's talking about what, you know, or even myself, but I've just gotten better at letting things go. Moving on. If there are things that have hurt me in the past or bother me, and I've already processed it through conversations or self-reflection or therapy, every once in a while it it pops in my head.

And sometimes I want to just feel sorry for myself or I want to be like, oh, fucking bullshit. And it's like even just thoughts in my head. But I have to tell myself that's just me being dramatic. You've thought about, I'm sure, you've been cheated on and what your husband's done to you. Enough. You have mourned. Yeah. You know, you've talked about it. I'm sure you have a laundry

list of friends that you've talked about this with. Some of those friends might not even be in your life anymore. I mean, strangers have probably heard your story about you being victimized by your ex. And I get it. I've been there. I know exactly how you feel. But there just comes a time where you just have to tell yourself enough. I'm tired of the drama of my own life. And I just kind of need to move on from it and not let it take up all this energy in my life. If you're going to obsess over any thought, obsess over the thought, which you've heard me say over and over, that your energy is your power and your energy is finite. It's not unlimited. There's so many minutes in every day. You have only so much

energy and you can either use it to be a better mom, to invest in things that you want to work on, to work on your business, to clean your house, to make new friends, to do fun activities, or you can pine over your ex, or you can ask yourself why the situationship hasn't gotten his shit together. It's like drama you needs a win. Drama when you needs this guy who's not really even worth your time to pick you over his ex-wife because your ex-husband picks someone else over you. That's been my big thing is I feel like no one's ever picked me, not even my boyfriend. When he was my boyfriend, he picked his ex-wife and so I think I get stuck there. Do you want to be a pick me? That's true. I mean, I'm being a little harsh,

but truly you don't, like, what does that even mean? You want someone to pick you? There's plenty of guys out there without question who would love to be with you. I don't know how tall they're going to be, you know, but if you gave yourself a chance, there'd be guys lined up out the door, but you're not prioritizing that. You're just prioritizing the need to feel special and picked. And then you have found this guy and then he's giving you all the reasons why he's broken and confused and in some weird way drama you has turned it into well if if i like saved him then i would feel really good about myself you know yeah i'm the savior i like to fix people that's one of my problems yeah save yourself and save your people love drama no one

likes to say they're dramatic or they're drama queens, but we all are. Even if it's just feeling sorry for ourself, it's dramatic. It is. You've gotten used to telling your story. And I bet when you've told your story about your ex-husband, you've gotten really, you've been animated. You say it with color and it's probably like a really great story in a kind of sad dramatic way you know like when you watch movies and rom-coms or like you know about cheating and infidelity you weirdly are attached to it and you're just like oh good story is rob you know like like objectively you know there's just no reason why you should be wasting time on this other guy you know well and that's the thing is

like i've been on and off the dating apps too to get away from him i got on dates and they have been horrible and then he weasels his way back in and i let him back in because it's easier than your dates are going to be horrible you're they are and once in a while you might meet someone one out of ten one out of ten and dates should be okay it sucks i'm sorry that that is that is the reality but instead of going on two or three bad dates and then telling yourself, well, I guess I have to take Mr. Shithead back. You just have to accept that, you know, like dating is going to be hard. So don't make it harder on yourself by giving bad dates more time.

How do you not take this guy back? Block him. Cut him off. I knew you were going to say that. I listened to every episode. I knew you were going to tell me to block him. Because it's not always a complicated answer.

That's drama you. Drama you is trying to think that you're more special than everyone else and that it's not that easy for you. It's not that easy for you to just block him and delete his number. That's drama you. Drama you thinks you're more special and it's a complicated

as to what you just don't understand. You don't understand why I can't just do this. But it is that simple. Sometimes taking care of yourself is as simple as all I have to do is block them. Just like everyone else out there who's giving people who shouldn't have access to them more energy and time. You just have to block them. You block them, then delete the number, change your email addresses. Then you block them on social media. It's no different, again, than knowing that drugs and certain foods and alcohol aren't good for you. And you're just going to have to decide to be a healthy person or you're going to have to give in to that short-term craving. And whether it's a sugar fix or a drug fix or a tension fix but

there's always the hangover as we know like this guy's this one big hangover for you and ultimately well it's he makes you knock it over your ex-husband because every time he hurts you it then it's easier for you to go back and compare like oh well, well, I'm just not where I want to be, but my ex is. And you truly have no idea where your ex is or his day-to-day life, but you're making it worse on yourself by hanging out with this guy. I've wanted to call in for so long to get your advice. And I knew your advice was going to be to block him and delete his number. And I just don't know how to do it. Can we just do it? I don't know how to do it. We can do it together right now. What about this?

His ex-wife and I are also friends. Do I need to delete her number and block her? Your situation's ex-wife is your friend? Yes. Yes. And do I send either of them like a final message or is this just like I've done it in my life? Is she like your sister or you're just like cool with her? No, we're just cool because I was dating her ex-husband.

You're civil. You know, around her kids and things. If she has any common sense, she'll understand. How many times has his ex-wife reached out to you just to say hi? Quite frequently, to be honest. Well, either way, block her. Yes, you can do it right now. Okay.

So let's go and block their numbers. Don't quickly memorize them. No, I won do it right now. Okay. So let's go and block their numbers. Don't quickly memorize them. No, I won't. No screenshots. Block, then delete. All right. Blocked and deleted. All right.

Round of applause. There you go. Nicely done. And then he still might find a way or maybe show up at your door. And at that point, you just have to say, listen, please disrespect the fact that I just want to move on from you. It's just not fair. I don't want to be an option for you. I don't deserve that. And stop comparing these new dates to either of these guys in your life. One has nothing to do with the other. You're going to go on a bunch of bad dates. Why are they? Why? I guess.

Why are they bad? Are they bad? Because you're not attracted to them. Are they rude? All of the above? A couple of dates I went on, they were definitely fuck boys. And they just talked about their penis. And it was not great.

You know. First date? They were there for one thing. Let me talk about my cock. First date. Like weird. First date. Guys are so fucking weird.

It was very weird. And they were just disrespectful and one guy made me pay for his dinner after telling me he didn't want to buy me dinner that was weird and i i think each of these dates i've been on i haven't had my filter on because i was just trying to get out there and trying to do it the situation ship was my first relationship after my marriage ended and so i think I got really attached to that storyline, hoping that it would work. And so I just needed to get my feet wet. And so I didn't really put up any filters with who I was going out with. What have you done recently to take care of yourself or treat yourself? What was the last nice thing you've done for yourself?

Got my nails done a couple of weeks ago. Okay. That's a start. Maybe go buy yourself something nice. I mean, obviously I know motherhood is very consuming and things like that, but would there be a chance to maybe join like a local, I don't know what you like to do, pottery class, yoga class, Pilates class, painting class, dancing class. If I were you, now that we've blocked him, be open to dating by all means. But I would spend the next few months really just dating yourself. I know it sounds cheesy and corny, but I really, I would spoil yourself. There is nothing, there is no limit to what you could do to spoil yourself, but just be really open to spoiling yourself. Like, you know,

don't spend money you don't have, but don't be afraid to splurge a little bit. You'll make this money back. I'm really good at that stuff. Good. Yeah. But take care of yourself, treat yourself, maybe try a hobby, something that makes you feel good about yourself. Is there anything that you've wanted to do or thought about doing and maybe doubted your ability to do, do things that might give you confidence in yourself, you know, whatever it is. You just need to kind of a good pick me up. And then when you're feeling better about yourself, slowly get back into dating. Don't rush back in.

Don't sit on the apps for like three hours and swipe right to 100 people. Slow down. Match with one. I don't know. You've heard me talk about Zoom dates and FaceTime dates. Right. Match with one. I don't know. You've heard me talk about Zoom dates and FaceTime dates. Like before you waste your precious time meeting potentially strange guys who are going to make you pay and talk about their penises, weed those people out on a video chat. And if they say no to a video chat, then they're not,

then they're not, they shouldn't be saying no to that. Right. It's a weird thing. Yeah. You know, it might be the first time, you know, you're being the progressive, you the progressive dating queen that you are, who listens to this show and got an idea of it. They might be like, what do you mean a Zoom date? That's kind of weird. I wouldn't cancel them at that point. But when you explain, hey, listen, I'm a busy woman. I just think it's an easy way to get to know someone without either of us wasting too much time. If they say no to that or make you feel bad for that, I would cut them off because you want someone in your life who is just as busy and has just much consideration for their own time as you have for yours, who also wants to meet someone who's taking dating seriously, who doesn't have the time to waste a Wednesday night to go out with a woman who's just like a nightmare for them. to go out with a woman who's just like a nightmare for them,

who's not just looking to get laid, who is just like, of course, I would love to get to know you. And yes, that is a green flag for someone who's willing to be more of an intentional dater. And then from there, maybe it's like a coffee date. Take things slow. If you have a bad day, take a couple days off. You have all the time in the world. Your situationship makes you feel

more lonely than loved. That's very true. Because there's always this rejection and leaving you for a couple of months and wondering what he's doing. Focus on meeting people and getting out there and getting active. And I promise you, if you change your perspective on this and stop wasting this energy on this guy, I don't know when you're going to meet your person, but I just think you're going to enjoy meeting people more. You're going to be more open and you will be more precious with your time. So then when you do interact with people who clearly are time wasters, it'll be easier for you to enforce a boundary that you have set for yourself that you don't want to invest in these kinds of people. I've been wanting to just change the narrative of

what I've been telling myself. Like all my worst fears came true. So what do I have to lose at this point? I've manifested all that already. So I may as well just flip my perspective and start believing something good could happen because all the bad things have already happened. Yeah. And so every once in a while when you get in a rut, ask yourself, is this drama me or is this, you know, healthy me?

Am I doing it for the drama? yourself, is this drama me or is this healthy me? Am I doing it for the drama? Am I entertaining myself by ruminating over what's happened to me? Again, you've already processed this. You're not accomplishing anything more by reliving these hurtful experiences. Try to not obsess over how you've been hurt, but rather focus on how you can move forward. And instead of pining over what you lost and feeling sorry for yourself, you can get out there and be proactive and say, I'm a young person. I have a lot in front of me. I got a wonderful son. I got a lot of things to be grateful for. And I have the rest of my life to find Mr. Right. And maybe you don't find Mr. Forever until you're 45. And then for the next 10 years,

you're going to have a bunch of cool stories. You'll have some occasional sex. You meet some people, some cool vacations. And then at 45 to however long you live, you'll have someone who treats you right and takes care of you and makes you feel special and validated and cared for and loved. And when you have it, you'll appreciate it. And so just think of it that way. You'll have moments of being impatient and lonely and things like that, but you have friends to make you feel not lonely. You'll have your relationship with your son and things like that. It's trying to focus on gratitude and what you do have rather than focusing on what you lost or what you don't have. You could be a lot worse off than you are now. And I had a, I had a moment

yesterday with my son and I was trying to just like shift the perspective. Right. And I was trying to think about like, you know, we were all just me, my new kitten and my boy were in our living room. He was getting ready to go to his dad's house. And I felt like, okay, in this moment, I'm happy. And someone else being here with us, wouldn't change that. Like, I'm OK. Just now happy like this. I remember when my ex-girlfriend who cheated my ex-fiancee, rather, who cheated on me and then got married. And I remember her wedding day. I just I text her and said the morning of her wedding. And I was just like, congratulations. I hope this is an amazing day for you. Best of luck, yada, yada, yada. It made me feel really good that I could send that and feel good about it and not really care. Now,

I don't know where you're going to be mentally. I imagine it might be a tough day. Treat yourself. Yeah, I don't think I care about him. But then even better, send him a message leading up to it and wish him a congratulations. And what you are really doing is congratulating yourself that he is no longer your problem he truly is her problem you no longer have to worry about his lies or his deceit he can't hurt you anymore he could be a pain in your ass being a co-parent but other than that like you are truly saying congratulations you're not my problem anymore and i think it'll be liberating a little bit but but you just gotta find little moments

to take your power back and feel good about yourself. I'm glad you're having these moments of realizing so much of what's going on in your life is your perspective. It really is. Every moment we have, you can either find a way to feel sorry about yourself or why it's not good enough,

or you can have a moment to realize and just be grateful for what it is. And the more you can do the latter, the happier you're going to be. And it really opens up things in your life. No one likes someone who's feeling sorry for themselves. No one's attracted to someone who kind of walks around like they've been victimized their whole life and feeling sorry for themselves. It's just not attractive. And so the more you can change that, the better it is. And then the last element is just patience. You you just gotta be more patient than you want to because it just never comes when we want it i agree with that and i think i don't want to come off like a victim i don't look at myself

as a victim i don't know how to tell my story to like a potential suitor without sounding like a victim because it immediately what happened sounds victim like you know i mean for a while i don't think you need to get into like talking about your exes. That's not like it's like the third or fourth date kind of conversation. And when you do, you just be like, wait, it was so long ago. I'm like, but yeah, like I was married before it ended. Make them ask the questions. Tell me about your past. Oh, you know, obviously I have a son. I was married before. Oh, how did it end? There was some cheating. There was some infidelity. You just kind of be short with it because that's you like coming across as not really caring. It's far different than like, so what happened? You're like, oh my God, let me tell you. And then you just unload a whole story on them. Only answer

the question they ask, drip information, you know, and that way you just kind of get through it and it's not even a big deal. You're not the only one who's been cheated on. You're not the only one, even if you're not cheated on, you're not the only one who has their scars from a relationship. Everyone I'm guessing you're going to meet has had an ex that treated them poorly or made them feel worse about themselves. You're just saying it as a matter of fact. It happened and I've worked through it, but it's not something I need to share with you.

I don't need you to ask me if I'm okay. I don't need you to feel sorry for me. It's just like you asked, so I told you. And have you done therapy? Are you doing therapy? What's your therapy situation? I have done therapy. It wasn't the right therapist,

though I know that takes some time to find. So maybe reconsider that. And you're saying a therapist would help you keep your perspective positive, you know? And I think if you were to find a therapist, you could say, well, I might ask you, what's your goal in therapy? Just to stay out of my own way, to not give into validation, to be able to set and enforce healthy boundaries for myself, because I have a track record of allowing and giving too much of my energy and time to people

who don't deserve it. And I just want to keep working on that. And that's like a maintenance thing. Yeah. I think that's a great idea. I would love to work on my boundaries with myself and others, I think. It's hard to do. Because I just give too much energy. Change your perspective. But I think you're on your way. Yeah. And stop telling yourself you're worried of allowing him back in. It's not that complicated. Stop thinking so little of yourself that you can't simply let some guy who just disappears in your ass for months at a time just because he didn't like what you have to say. If you want to get laid, there's plenty of guys who I'm sure will be willing to do that. So you don't need them for the sex. You know what I'm saying? All these shitty dates out there

will be happy to do that. So there's nothing really he's doing for you. He's taken enough of my energy. And I think the ups and downs have at this point, just, it's been a year and a half, but it's probably happened seven or eight times that he just- That's nuts. That's nuts. Fizzles away. It would be nuts for you to allow him back in your life. And you're not worried you're going to, because you blocked him. It's an ick. It's an ick. It is. And I think so many times I've been so good about it and I'm like, this is the time I'm not going to let him back in.

I'm going on dates. I've been firm with him, but I just somehow he breaks my walls down and weasels his way back in and- Change that narrative. You let him back in. He has no special powers. He's not a wizard. It's entirely up to you. It's your call. You have 100% control over whether he's backing your life or not. You're not a victim when it comes to allowing this guy in. All right. Well, it was lovely talking with you.

We'll check in soon. Keep us posted if anything happens. I will. All right. All right. Take care. Thanks, guys. You too.

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Pretty good. And yourself, Nick? Good. What's your name? My name is Ryan and I'm 31. My name is Sarah and I'm 27 years old. And how can I help? My fiance and I are matron of honor and our best man dumped us a month before our wedding.

Wow. Give us the story. Give us the backstory. How did this happen? Because it's dramatic, obviously, a month before. Yes. So I have a matron of honor and a maid of honor. So my matron of honor, her name is Jane, and we met in fourth grade. So I've known her my whole life. We grew up together. She actually lived across the street from me. So basically my family's her family. We call each other sisters. And then I have a maid of honor who is Lucy. And we met in college.

This was about five years ago. And we just became super close. Her husband became really close with Ryan. We kind of joke and say they're kind of like our soulmates as best friends. So we became super, super close within the past couple of years. So I couldn't pick between one of the two. So I decided to have a both a matron of honor and a maid of honor, which was fine, I thought. Well, it's also just like fine because it's your wedding. So you get to make the rules. Yeah. And I'm also I will though, I'm kind of that annoying bride that's like,

what do you guys want to do? Like, I'm kind of a people pleaser. So I like everybody to be happy, which is kind of annoying. But my matron of honor and maid of honor decided to plan the bachelorette. We had an amazing time. So I thought, and then we get back. This is like a week later, I get a call from Lucy and she's telling me basically she was really upset because Jane really upset her during the bachelorette party. And she just doesn't like her. And she's just someone that she doesn't think she

can get along with okay and so who's the one who fired you oh yeah sorry that is uh ethan and lucy okay lucy lucy is the one saying i can't get along with jane and lucy and ethan are married yes okay they're the soulmate friends lucy and Ethan are married. And she doesn't like your long-term friend? Yes. Okay. Who I should add is also getting married to Ryan's brother. So basically we will be sisters and also Ryan will be, you know, she will be his sister-in-law. So basically family. Literally. Wow. Great. But Ethan was going to be your best man over your brother. Yeah. And I told that to my brother and I meant, you know, like, hey, you know, like no disrespect or anything, but, you know, like he's just my best friend and he's

and my brother was completely fine with it. So everything worked out perfectly. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, or so we thought. Yeah. All right. So you get the phone call and she's just like, I hate this bitch. Yes. So first of all, I'm just shocked. I thought they planned it together. It was a great time. Obviously, I asked, well, why do you not like her? And she said that she made fun of her voice during the bachelorette party, which I do remember Jane saying like a joke about Lucy losing her voice, but it was obviously like a joke.

I mean, like my friend ages like 27 to 33, 27 to 33. OK, my friend Wells Adams does a what many people think is a hilarious impression of my voice. It's not my favorite, you know, but like whatever, you know, like, okay. So she made fun of her voice and she tells you this. Yep. So I basically said, like, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I just know that Jane is not malicious. And I know that she really didn't mean it that way. Basically, that was the end of the conversation.

I thought everything was good. And when Lucy called you, other than like venting and letting you know of her dislike for Jane, was there like an ask there? Like what was her expectation of that phone call? I think her expectation was for me to be like, oh yeah, that was really shitty of Jane. Like I can't believe she did that. And kind of, I don't know, be on her side or take a side. Did you speak to Jane about this at all? So I didn't at first, just because I didn't want to start drama before the wedding and I didn't want it to be awkward. So I didn't at first, but then later on in the story, I had to tell her.

Okay. Keep going. But then later on in the story, I had to tell her. Okay, keep going. So we had that phone call. Everything was good. So we thought, and then this is a week before our wedding shower. I texted Lucy and I was like, hey, just wanted to check in. Like, I know that Jane is doing a speech. Are you still wanting to do one as well?

And then she messaged back. She's like, I don't feel comfortable making that decision for you. And I was like, okay, yes, totally understand. Valid. And I said, I just want to make sure that you're comfortable. Just whatever went down at the bachelorette party. If you're still good with doing a speech, I didn't want it to feel like a competition between you two or I didn't want any drama to happen.

And that was the wrong thing to say. After that, she just messaged me back. And she's like, well, as far as I know, the matron of honor and maid of honor both do a speech. And by how it sounds, it sounds like you don't want me to do one. And I don't see your friendship as a competition. So just kind of took everything wrong. Well, that's, I mean, just so just to note, that's where your people pleasing gets you in trouble. So far, team you guys.

I mean, I'm starting to paint this picture of what's going on here, right? If all you said was, hey, just checking in, like, here's the run of show, so to speak. Just want to check that you still plan on giving your speech. I can't wait to hear what you have to say. You've always been such an amazing friend to me, and I'm really looking forward to hearing what you have to say. That's obviously what she wanted to hear. But given that she was in this kind of toxic mindset

and in her mind already competing, she was the one who was competing for your friendship and then projected it onto you by saying, well, I don't think I have to compete for my friendship. But you wanting to check in with her and people, please got you in trouble. So anyways, just a note. So, all right, continue. She said she didn't want to compete for your friendship. Yes.

So then the next message, I was like, as long as you feel comfortable, I would definitely love to hear a speech from you. And then her next one was like, I just don't understand how me speech or what? Because I don't give a fuck if you're here or not. In her mind, that's how she was reading it. And all it took was a phone call. And you have a very calm voice and you're just like, hey, I love you. It's just texting is so bad to communicate very sensitive information. So continue. Anyway. I will say that I think that's one of my biggest regrets is not just calling her right then and there. Because you're right, everything I said, it was turned into something negative. It was like, you don't want me at the wedding, you know, just like everything negative. But I told her she put me in a hard position just because they're both my best friends. I don't want to take sides. And she was like, well, I didn't ask you to take sides. I just felt like you were mean to me on the phone call because you're my best friend.

And I was expressing my feelings and you weren't there for me. And for me, I was like, I told you, I'm sorry that you felt that way. But I also don't think that Jane is a mean person. So I can't just I just can't take your side. I think she really wanted me to be like, yes, I'm on your side. What if you would have said something like, first of all, I love you. You're my best friend. And I hope that you know that I have your back always, but I want you, I hope that you know that if anyone were to make you feel bad, I want to be there for you.

Just knowing my friend, we just might not see it the same way, but I'll talk to her rather than had you say, I just don't think that's what happened. Instead of like kind of disagreeing with her, you could have just appeased her. You could have just been like, listen, between you and me, like, I know that you're probably just joking, but so-and-so's feelings are hurt. Like, could you just do me a favor and just apologize, whatever? Because technically in her mind, you took a side. You were like, I know she didn't do that because I know her. And you're probably right.

So that's kind of what I was even telling her, because I was like, I think it almost comes even like stems from a little bit of jealousy. I feel like we always prioritize hanging out with them than with Jane and my brother. Jane and my brother, like they have some busy busy schedules like sometimes they work weekends sometimes they don't sometimes they're on call so it's like very hard to hang out with them so that's why we hang out with ethan and lucy a lot more and i think what happened at the bachelorette party was that it was the first time that lucy and jane both hung out with my fiancee at the same time so i feel like there was some sort of jealousy it might

have not been jealousy but i feel like there was just oh yeah it had to have been yeah because this clear this is clearly an overreaction so how did you get dumped by ethan i'm assuming it's because she was like you can't be his best man because i don't want to she like fired herself she fired herself for sure yeah our wedding show was about to happen and so they were originally gonna obviously both come and uh after that uh conversation the last conversation they had you know everything was like left off like at a bad they like ended it badly so at that point she was telling me she's like i don't want lucy to come because you know she hasn't apologized or you know she's still mad at me and i don't want her to come to our wedding shower and her be awkward and then everybody else is like oh why is she being weird and then the day before

ethan gives me a call and he was like hey i'm still gonna be at the wedding shower i'm still gonna be at your church wedding we should probably give some context of this we are doing like a small very intimate uh church wedding and then we're having a big wedding in mexico so yeah so he gives me a call the day before our wedding shower and he was saying he's like there's no bad blood between us but unfortunately i can't make it to the wedding in mexico lucy you know she told me that i can still go and that she'll come with me but she'll just stay in the hotel by herself and i can go to the wedding and everything but i just don't want to do that to her. Yeah. He can't, he would be fucked. Yeah. I was just like, Hey, like, honestly, it sucks. I'm brokenhearted, but I mean, I get it, dude. Like if that happened with me and

my fiance, I definitely would be on my wife's side. Yeah. This all kind of sounds nuts. Right. So other than like validating that you guys didn't, didn't seem like you're doing anything wrong. What what where are you at like are you are you hoping to rectify this you know because maybe it's a blessing maybe it's like hey now you get to have your brother be your best man and you get to have your childhood friend be your your maid of honor they're getting married what a beautiful story the four of you yada yada yada that's great and it sounds like i I could picture Lucy just being jealous that she's marrying your brother. Who knows? But on the flip side, you lost two good friends, seemingly. It's awkward. I guess, what are you hoping? Are you wondering if there's a

way to fix this? Well, during that phone call, my best man told me, he's like, I love you. You're my best, best friend. You're a brother to me. And he said that he was going to still make it to the wedding shower. On the wedding shower the next day, he doesn't show up when he said he was. When the party actually starts, doesn't show up. And then a couple hours later, I just text him like, hey, like, are you even coming? Doesn't text me back. And I text him again. I was like, honestly, dude, like, if you weren't going to make it, like, it would have just been nice to to know, like you told me already what's going on. So like I would have understood. I blame Jane though.

She's like told him he can't go. And then that's kind of where we're at in terms of that was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Or is there more? Well, so he stood him up and then obviously that night I was really upset and i was not my best self so i texted him and i was like fuck you um you guys are fake and so i sent that text obviously was mad and then the next day regretted it since then we have tried to call them we have sent them a long text because in reality this is so stupid like the drama is so stupid and

we feel like we only get married one time like these people obviously meant the world to us we've been friends with them for a couple years I said I'd just rather like just get over it and like I don't care if they didn't show up I'd rather be friends and then like you know have them in our lives they didn't answer any of our calls they haven't texted up. I'd rather be friends and then have them in our lives. They didn't answer any of our calls. They haven't texted us, haven't spoken to us, nothing. I have mixed feelings. It's like I still want them in my life just because we were so close. But at the same time, I'm also like, well, did they even care about our friendship like we thought they did if they could just drop us like that? Oh, they care. The question for me isn't whether they care. The question for me is,

did you just kind of uncover this kind of very toxic and possessive aspect of who she is? You know, it was just a matter of time before she was going to overreact about something like this. And the fact that she took this little thing and blew it up and made it all about her that in a situation that literally wasn't about her it's your wedding if i were you i would get in the car they you said they live a couple hours away yep i would get in the car and i would drive to their house and just show up and it might be awkward but i would force their hand their hand. And we cared enough to get in the car because clearly your friend, effort matters to her. And she wants to feel validated and special. And almost kind of like, I'm not leaving here until we talk in person because I love you.

And I don't understand why you're saying this. We've both said things. We've both hurt each other. And I'm just not leaving here until we figure this out and make her to your face fire you. And then you'll have your answer. If she at that point is still unwilling to show some humility, to me, that's the way to fix it. You're going to have to go above and beyond and be the bigger person. And I don't say you have to, but that would be the way to fix it. You have to be able to show up and not beg for her forgiveness.

We clearly have hurt each other. I'm obviously hurt. I hope that you understand that you're hurt. And I just want to figure this out. And not only has this like come in between us, it's come between these two guys. You know, like what? This is ridiculous. Figure this out.

I love you. You know, I hope you still love me. And listen, love and hate, very similar feelings. So yeah, she's got a lot of anger and she's talking shit and the fuck yous and I hate her and what a bit... That's because she cares. It's not a matter of not caring. She cares. She cares too much. But you do have the right to say at the end of the day, why did it turn into this? And you could say, listen, I wish I would have handled your frustrations about Jane better. Obviously, I love you both. I guess I just disagreed with you based on what I know about her, but I probably could have heard you out better. It's that balance between standing your ground, but also validating their feelings.

When in doubt, always just say, I love you. I understand, you know, kind of that lead with empathy, empathy and confusion. Hey, I empathize with you. I love you. You know, I love you. I'm just a little confused because I just don't necessarily understand or agree, but I do want you to know that it hurts me that you felt hurt. I wish I would have expressed that better. I wish I wouldn't have text you and let's just promise each other we won't do this. And if you're willing to do that, then I think you have a shot. I don't think you owe it to them. And yeah, this is nuts. It's nuts. It's really ironic. Our friendship started at their wedding shower and it ended at our wedding shower. How poetic. So yeah, I think if there is a way to

reconcile it, I think you need is a way to reconcile it, I think you need to get in a car and drive to their house and show up at their door and just be like, yeah, we're fucking here. Let's talk it up. Yeah. I'm guessing she'll be touched. She wants to know how special she is to you.

It wasn't fair what she did, but it is what she wanted. So maybe you get in a car and that grand gesture will, will make up for it. It's just, I don't know how I would be able to move on. Like, cause, cause we've thought about this too. And we've talked about it, me and Sarah, like, you know, what if we do like go and talk to them and you know, what if they do apologize? And then, you know, what if we do forgive them? Like, yeah, I feel like that friendship that we had with them though, you know, before all this, like,

I feel like I wouldn't be comfortable getting back to that point again. Yeah, man, it's valid. You guys can get in this car, make a two-hour drive. If it doesn't work out, you make a trip out of it, whatever. Right now, you don't have to sit there and think about whether they're even going to come to your wedding, whether they're going to be your best man again or not, or whether you're even going to be friends. No, right now, the focus is, can we start talking to them again? Can we get to a place where we open the lines of communication? Because this is not you guys falling on the sword and saying, we're totally wrong.

You guys are totally right. What can we do to get back in your graces? No, this is like, hey, we have our grievances. You have yours. Let's talk about it and figure it out. So this is about you guys open up the lines of communication. And you guys might reconcile only to find out it's just never going to be the same. That's a conversation between the two of you for a later time. You don't have to solve all these problems all at once. And all it's costing you is about five

hours of driving. Yeah. Our first wedding is this Friday. So we're just curious if they'll reach out or anything. But our big one is in two and a half weeks. Okay. I don't even know if you need to make this drive before either of the weddings. That's entirely up to you. Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy? The whole point is to get them to the wedding. No, the whole point.

No, it's not. Nick. Correct me if I'm wrong. No. Thank you. The whole point is about the friendship. You have your maiden of the friendship you have your maid and honor

you have your brother like do you do we want them at either of these weddings at this point because even if you guys reconcile it's gonna take some time

to get back and like maybe it's as best that they're not there at this point wedding aside these are people you really enjoyed

hanging out with and so that's what you miss and that's what you want back you know the wedding that'll be up to them. If you have time, do it. But like, don't deprioritize your wedding and each other, knowing that you have one wedding this week and another one in two and a half weeks. Right now is about you guys.

And I would just focus on the two of you. And if you have the time to make the drive or have a conversation about them, great. But I don't think you need to drop everything for these two people who clearly are being very self-centered, specifically her. That's my two cents. Yeah, and I think we've talked about that too. It was like, why aren't we focusing on all the people that were there for us at our shower, that are family and friends that are coming to celebrate us and that we're happy to be

there? Because I mean, we have other bridesmaids and groomsmen too. So we're like, well, these are people that absolutely love us and they were there for us. So why are we so consumed by this? But I think it was just because we cared. I mean, you care. If you have a day between now and then before the wedding, make the drive. Certainly that will make the gesture a little better for them. This is about being the bigger couple, seeing if this is a friendship that is salvageable in any way. And maybe it takes time. My guess is, it's if you guys take the drive and show up and you have a reasonably productive conversation, it's not going to get better overnight.

And it wouldn't shock me if the first conclusion is, this really meant a lot. We love you guys. We can't make the wedding because of logistics. They might use the timeline as an excuse to not honestly feel awkward at this wedding. And then maybe you guys agree in a month or two from now to double date. And that one might be a little awkward again. And then maybe you guys agree in a month or two from now to double date, and that one might be a little awkward again. And then maybe you guys realize it's just not the same and it never will be. Or maybe you slowly build back up this relationship type of thing. Try to solve one problem at a time, I guess is my advice. Because you're not going to be able to solve them all at once. This is not going to get fixed overnight but yeah this is this is the olive

branch to hopefully start the healing but i mean we have um available people for our wedding i mean you guys want to come or when is it when is it ali might show up i will for sure come ali's already there she's gonna go buy a dress right now let's do it uh you guys do seem like a really handsome and lovely couple and i wish you guys don't think about the best and and if i can somehow make it i'll try but it might be a challenge i'll definitely if i show up i'll be talking shit about her all day long we'll take a shot to that you know it's weird because you've been friends with them for five years and that is a long time because if you would have said i've known her for a year and this happened, I would have been like, you know what? It takes time to know someone. But five years, do you think she's a selfish person?

No. That's why it's so weird because knowing her for the five years, we've never really thought she... I think she has a great heart. A lot of people have asked, is she going through something else in her life? And if she is, I would have hoped that she would have talked to me about it. But I mean, I think you're right. Maybe I didn't go about things, you know, the best way. Yeah. You falling her sword by saying something like, listen, I know I could have handled it better. I felt stuck between obviously two of my closest friends and I just wish I would have handled it better. And it breaks my heart that you don't feel like I was there for you as well as I could have been. I think it's hard to give some context of

our friendship is that we were saying, we'd love to have kids around the same time so that they're friends and stuff like that. So just we are planning future things, and then it was something so silly, and then we're just like, nothing. Yeah. Well, she's clearly hurt and clearly upset, but she definitely cares that much. I'm certain. Weird way of showing how much you care. Well,

yeah, that's, but she's hurt and she's upset and she's not handling it the right way. And she's angry. And you know, yeah, I just feel like all of this could have been avoided if Lucy had just gone directly to Jane.

Totally. When I told Jane the story, because obviously Jane was going to ask me, why isn't Lucy at the shower? I had to tell her she was really upset. She broke down, actually started crying and she just feels terrible like it's her fault. But we've told her a million times like it's not your fault. But has she reached out, though? Jane asked me, she's like, do you want me to reach out to Lucy? Like talk about it.

And we just said, no, like I didn't want to put Jane in a weird position where she feels like she has to reach out. But I don't know. Should I have had her reach out? Kinda. Maybe. Again, this isn't about being right or wrong like i don't think you guys are wrong and i don't think she's right this is about trying to find some common ground and trying

to make a person who's clearly hurt whether we agree with why or not feeling less hurt and validated and then trying to figure out how you go from there I think it starts with you first, but yeah, I don't think it would hurt, you know, Jane to reach out and say, obviously I know what's going on. I am so sorry if I said anything to hurt your feelings or make you feel disrespected. It wasn't my intention. You know, let's let her fall on the sword. You know what I'm saying? Like she knows how much you love her and she knows that you know that you didn't mean it. She's just very sensitive right now. So if she's willing to do that, I would have her do that. Yeah.

You don't need to protect her. She's fine. Maybe again, that's where your people pleasing is coming in. She's an asset and she's an ally to you. So like, let her help you. You need the help to rectify this problem. Because again, if you hope to maintain this friendship with her, you're not going to cut her off.

She's literally marrying your brother-in-law, you know? So like she doesn't need to be best friends, but Lucy wants to feel respected. She feels very disrespected by the two of you. And maybe she's having PTSD from high school. I don't know. Maybe she feels like you literally, it might be in high school, she got like basically canceled by two other girls who made her feel like an outsider. It could be that, honestly.

Okay. Yeah, that's a good point. And then you show up at their door. With the radio and a sign. Literally. Yeah. You just kind of give her no excuses. She's definitely throwing a temper tantrum.

So now's not the time to be right. Now's the time for reconciliation. And then, you know, maybe in the future, you're just like, you know what? They're not that fun anymore. But that's a decision for a later time. All right. Well, congratulations to you both. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It's a nuts story. I really appreciate you guys sharing it with us. Please keep us updated. Very invested in this outcome. We really want to know. Very much so. So please, please keep us updated. Again, congratulations on the wedding.

And I hope it's the absolute best time. I hope you have a lot of fun. And Sarah, stop trying to please everyone. I know, I'm trying. Stop texting. Stop trying to make everyone happy. Very true. Thank you so much for all your help, though.

Oh, my pleasure. We appreciate it. We can fill you in at the wedding when you come. Absolutely. Can't wait. All right. Congratulations. Good luck wedding planning for you too. Thank you. All right. Take care guys. Best of luck. All right. All right. Bye-bye. Well, thank you to our callers. We appreciate you as always. Thank you all for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.