The Viall Files - E63 Ask Nick - Locker Room Talk

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

On this episode of Ask Nick, we talk to a 10%-er who’s afraid his girlfriend is too needy, someone whose boyfriend has terrible friends, a woman who is her boyfriend’s first girlfriend, and someone who booked a flight to go see a hookup.  Reminder: if you’re looking for something to make you upset, you’re going to find it. Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: BUTCHERBOX: https://www.butcherbox.com/viall/ for 8 Free Steaks! NOOM: https://www.noom.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

happy monday everybody welcome to another episode of vile files the voice of an angel yeah sure um Joel. Yeah, sure. Happy Monday, everybody. Welcome to an Ask Nick episode. Joined by my trusty producer, Psychic Rochelle. How you doing, Rochelle? I'm good. I thought this was a really fun episode. It was really quite nice. Some interesting, lovely people out there. Yeah. 10%er. A 10%er joined. Lovely guy. You know, sometimes we stress out and then we build it in our own head. Mountains out of molehills. Mountains out of molehills. We do that sometimes.

But also very relatable in that sense that you hear people's perspective and it's like a totally justified reason, but also like, chill. It's going to be okay. It's going to be totally fine. How are you, Rochelle?

You know, I'm pretty good. I'm like, I'm excited for the new year because I feel like I'm going to really get back out there. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to do like a restart. You slowing down a little bit? I thought about this. Did I say this on this podcast? I'm going to do like a restart. You slowing down a little bit?

I thought about this. Did I say this on this podcast? I'm a complete stop. You're in a complete stop? I thought about this in terms of, what did I say this on? Caitlin's episode? I'm so confused. Maybe a totally different podcast.

But I like this idea of I'm always, I always talk about how I don't like it when people, you know, no offense, then the complete stop. You don't like that. Listen, I think you should always be open. If you are wanting to have hopefully meet someone, you should always be open, but you can slow it down versus accelerate. It's like in a car, right? Sometimes you're like, foot's on the gas, you're really going.

Sometimes it's on cruise control. I know, but you're acting like that i'm doing this oh i'm saying i know i'm saying some people like when we all do it right we all break we all do it's like i need to stop i need to stop i'm done i'm done like i i put i'm deleting every yeah but i'm just the disco like yeah i did that go a little that's and that's fine if you need to do that but i think it's always important to like just have that not to sound cheesy open mind open heart mentality but mentally you're like focused on everything else i get that because i'm kind of like that right now too where it's just like yeah i'm like i i just i'm not like closed off but i'm just my effort you know my my uh my my effort pedal on the gas, I'm not really pushing it.

You know, I'm rolling downhill. And if we get any momentum, great, but it's fine. If we don't move anywhere, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Are you looking forward to Thanksgiving? Are you going home? I'm going home.

It's just going to be me and my parents. And my mom's working. No siblings. No siblings can make it. My mom's working on Thanksgiving. I've never gone home for Thanksgiving. Usually they don't. Ever?

No. Except you left home? Well, like, not in a long time. Because we all go home for Christmas. But my dad invited me. And he's, like, being really cute. He's, like, planning hikes for us. And we're going to go out to eat just us on Thanksgiving. home for christmas but um my dad invited me and he's like being really cute he's like planning hikes for us and we're gonna go out to eat just us on thanksgiving this is so fun i uh my uh it's

my i think i mentioned this on it's my mom's birthday right pizza thanksgiving pizza thanksgiving super looking forward to that it's my understanding i hate to say this but many of my siblings on thanksgiving day will be doing families uh with their like husbands girlfriends wives whatever so it's going to be a smaller more intimate and i am looking forward to that like i don't like it's i can't imagine the chaos i was like a pizza with some of the other some other siblings you know, the little ones. I think it's going to be more my mom and dad. It'll be quiet. That'd be sweet.

I'm looking forward to that. Like, I don't, it's just like the, you know, we'll have, you know, Christmas. You're going to have a whole. We'll come back for Christmas. But while you're back, is everyone going to get together or not? Yes, that Saturday, my brother is hosting Thanksgiving. Oh. But I'm on a plane back to la

on you're missing it but my you know my parents are coming out for ellen the following week with the two little ones and it's like i can't i need to be on ellen i was on ellen last week oh well i mean yeah i was on ellen last week but why are they're coming out well because last time they were out here i got them into ellen yeah my mom's a big ellen fan so is my sister so like i i got them tickets and it was a special episode where they got free tickets to come back now for the ellen extrambic giveaway so oh they get presents they're coming back for the basically Ellen Christmas special they're very excited

how fun yeah was it fun being on Ellen again I mean I always enjoy Ellen it was a fun little little game show

that's awesome anyways don't forget guys merch we have merch yeah check it out t-shirts are available

I think we should have hoodies by now if we don't they'll be there soon yeah great for the holidays um some fun slogans give it for your friends for yourself a great reminder well i think you guys are really going to enjoy this episode uh we had a lot of fun uh talking to our callers uh anything else well at one last thing NH oils natural habits Is having your black friday sale So check in on Check in on black friday for code black 40% off but it doesn't start until

Black friday so if you missed The Caitlin episode and you need a great holiday Gift for your loved one Better sleep better health Everyone would love Organic essential oils And also the packaging is nice. It really is.

So check it out. NHOils.com. Starts Friday. Code black. 40% off. Anyways, enjoy. Ask Nick. Question time with Nick.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, good, what's your name? My name is Ryan and I'm 34 Ryan, 34, 10 percenter Yeah, nice house Yeah Oh, thanks

For those of you who aren't watching, Ryan's a handsome gentleman. Yes. But seems to be nicely furnished place. How can we help you, Ryan? Yeah, so quick question for you guys. Thanks for taking the time. So I've been with my current girlfriend for a little over two and a half years. Okay.

We moved in together last year. It's probably going on a little over a year now. And my problem is recently I'm in software sales and recently I took a job. Yeah. So I recently took a job that will basically require me to be on the road for about 50% of the time. And it's not that I've not traveled before in the past. And me and my girlfriend, we enjoy traveling ourselves. It's one of our bigger passions. But this will be obviously for business. And so an issue has come up recently that I've noticed with this new role

because I've now been out of town and will be out of town in the future for quite some time. I've noticed that when I do leave town, she'll either invite her mom to stay the night in the guest room, or she'll go and stay at her parents' house on the other side of town. And so this bothers me because, well, a couple of reasons. I love her mom. I love her parents. They're both here in town as well. They're local. But I just don't like the thought of somebody just sort of wandering around the house.

I mean, I would be uncomfortable with my own parents being here. It's just kind of a weird, you know, space thing, I guess I have. Okay. know, space thing, I guess I have. Okay. And, and, and another reason is that if she does go to her folks place, I'm, I'm basically obliged to, to have my dog boarded and granted he's my dog. He's been with me since before we were even together. So he's my responsibility. But the dog gets along fine with my girlfriend. She loves him. He's, he's getting a little bit older. He's very low maintenance. And I just, you know, I just prefer him to, to stay at home where he's comfortable. Yeah. You're missing out on the ancillary benefits of,

of living with your girlfriend. Right. Yeah. And I don't like to, I don't want to take that for granted, obviously, but, um, I guess my question is, my question is, she goes back to this being sort of a safety concern. I've tried to present to her the fact that it shouldn't be that if it is. You know, she says that she can't help how she feels, which, of course, I can empathize with. But I guess my question is, like I said, is this normal? And, um, if not, uh, or even if so, what do you think I should do, uh, in this situation? Uh, yeah, it's, it's, I'm, I'm really interested in this, this question. I think it's kind of fascinating. Um, you seem like a, a pretty, uh, structured person. You're very tidy, like things a certain way i'm already looking at your place

everything seems to be in their spot um right you know so that's is this a normal i mean i think this is just kind of a a very um uh i don't know i don't know if relatable because this is kind of unique but just as it seems like a relatable in the sense that it's such a, it's like a normal like couple problem, right? It's, this is not like some kind of Greek tragedy of like, what do I do? Just like the tediousness of relationships is kind of fascinating in that regard. I mean, you have the right to your opinion. She has the right to yours.

You seem like you're thinking on, you know, trying to empathize from her point of view. I mean, nothing for me. It's like, you know, you're asking me about, and I say that because you're telling me the story and I'm not like you in that regard. I can already tell that, like, I don't think I would really care if I wasn't at my place

and my mom or my mother-in-law, I mean, you know, I'm kind of joking, thinking like, what are you hiding there, Ryan? Like what kind of stuff is going on there? But again, I also get that there's a lot of people and I have friends like that who are very meticulous and it's just like, man, this is my place, this is my stuff. And like, yeah, my girlfriend or my wife or fiance is living there.

And so like, that's part of the routine. Are you a very routine kind of guy? I am. And I think one of the things and maybe a spot where we just kind of don't agree, myself and hers that I am, I'm fiercely independent. I always have been, I just like to kind of do my own thing and be sort of self-reliant in that way. And so I see that as sort of a dependence. And I mean, I don't want to try to influence who she is as a person. But, you know, I would think that one would want to be a little bit more independent in that regard. And yeah, I just, I don't't know it's just sort of strange i mean like i said this new role will present itself time and time again more because i will be on the road more so i'm just kind of worried that this is going to be going to cause sort of a a bigger a bigger rift well i i guess my question is what do you other than uh you are as know, very independent and you pride that. And then it sounds like you are, I'm assuming, attracted to that and people you're around.

Like you prefer her. You like when she's independent, I'm guessing. And so the fact that in this situation, it sounds like she's becoming more codependent on, you know, her mom or her someone that kind of bothers you. Other than like it bothering you, what's the worst case scenario here? I'm sort of, I guess, worst case scenario, not really. She'll fight the safety issue. So going back to that. So in response to that, I mean, I try to fix things right I mean I'm a guy yeah if you present

a problem I'm gonna try to fix it right so she presented the security thing well basically I have the most secure house in the neighborhood at this point I mean we've got cameras uh security system you know obviously you've got the dog um I built uh we have like a giant perimeter fence with a gate around the place you seem like you clearly have your shit together yeah well and and and even still there's there's this safety concern issue so um there's that but i think just kind of going back to my original email i sent i don't i just don't know if i like the thought of you know if this is the person i'll spend the rest of my life with essentially have kids with um do i like the thought of, you know, if this is the person I'll spend the rest of my life with, potentially have kids with.

Do I like the fact that, you know, she can't handle her stuff on her own, you know, be with kids and kind of be the boss in that sense? When you met her, when you met her, did she strike you as an independent person or has she always been like this? Well, when I first met her, she lived by herself in an apartment complex here in town so um yeah she never really gave off that vibe i mean she's definitely close with her mom so that's not really the issue i think it's just she doesn't like to be alone period um she's kind of did you kind of to rochelle's question she lived alone alone, but did you ask her, like, was this a regular thing, this whole, like, mom coming over, you going there? Like, people could live, have their own place and never spend time there or always have someone there. Do you have any idea?

Yeah, no, when she lived alone, I don't know 100%, but I can't assume that she hid the fact that her mom would be staying with her. I don't know 100%, but I can't assume that she hid the fact that her mom would be staying with her. Having said that, she did live in an apartment complex with five or six other friends. Maybe she just didn't feel alone. I think it's more about loneliness and less about safety. I don't want to discount the fact that safety is important to her. And I'm sure she probably believes that she wants to feel safe and maybe doesn't. and I'm sure she probably believes that she wants to feel safe and maybe doesn't. But I'm guessing it's more about just liking to have company and not being alone.

Yeah, right. Listen, I think it's an interesting point. Obviously, when you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone, you're always thinking about these things. And I guess if you're thinking, you know, another of my kids, you want to make sure that it's like she's able to be independent. But I just feel, yeah, my gut tells me this is more about loneliness. And so one other question you have, like this started happening. Have you started the new job yet?

Yes. So how long has this been going on for? My old job only really required that I go out of town maybe a couple days every month or two. So in that instance, I mean, I did bring it up as a concern. I mean, she's aware of where I'm coming from and my thoughts behind this, but she just kind of skirted it. And of course, at the time, it was not really a big issue. So, so it's happened in the past and now going forward, I mean, I was recently abroad for, for 20 something days. And so I think out of that period of time, um, she didn't spend one night alone. It was either her stand at her mom's place

or her mom's staying here. And then, um, yeah, uh, I was, you know, I was kind of curious to see okay well maybe this is an opportunity to for her you know she understands where i'm coming from maybe she'll at least explore the idea of staying by herself maybe one or two nights um and that didn't end up happening so yeah this is really interesting because like on both spectrums like no one's like i could see both sides in a sense and i my advice to you is what you don't want to do is make this a bigger deal than it is like you have the right to like you know it makes sense that's like why i mean man like no nights alone like and i if if if i do have similarities with you like i will like get a thought in my head and I have a hard time letting things go. Right.

And so I could see myself being in a relationship with a problem, not necessarily like this, but making it a thing, making it a big deal, like bringing it up and like trying to always understand her side. But just, and then eventually just becomes super annoying to her and it becomes a point of contention and so i think you just want to be careful there like i think you've clearly made it i think she knows that you don't love this right and i think it's kind i guess it's reasonable to be like man you have you don't spend any nights alone and have it to be necessarily a big red flag but like like how codependent are you on like anyone but my i wonder if this is something that might over time kind of correct itself on its own especially if you just kind of back off a little bit i i think you'll only make it worse if you nag her or check in or constantly when you're traveling like almost feel like you're

keeping tabs on her right i think that'll get super annoying i think you'll have to try to if you can assuming everything else in the relationship is fine just drop it for a while and you're not going to get the response she'll probably keep doing this but i think it's because of out of loneliness or boredom and maybe it's a way that we subconsciously, she's not necessarily acting like a child, but like she doesn't want you gone. And she probably understands that you have to, this is your work and traveling.

It's kind of like, you know, thinking, well, I got in this relationship because I want to have someone around and you're not there. So I'm going to find someone else. And so I just think if you just kind of let it play out, let her do her thing you know you are traveling she's you know she didn't ask you to take this job i'm sure she's being supportive

so let her do her thing for a while and i wouldn't i wouldn't necessarily equate to what she's doing right now to be an indication of how she's going to be as a mother of the rest of her life and her independence. That's a big thing. Yeah, I think tread lightly there. I think if this is a bigger issue, other things will really come up. And if at the end of the day, all she does is hang out with her mom

and it's a mild inconvenience to your dog, I know that sucks, but I don't know if... Just be careful about making it a bigger deal would be my advice too. Because I have done that before in the past. Oh, really? I think we all have to a certain point where we feel like justified for having this frustration. Yeah.

And this like, it's like, you know, you feel justified, right? And be like, you spent 20 days not like, not one alone, you know? And then like you, you let that sit there in your mind and you're like and then it makes it a big deal and then like every relationship does that whether that's it's in ryan's case it's this particular situation but like even if you are in a relationship and you guys have all these similarities you guys are different right there's going to be things eventually that kind of irritate you exactly and when you aren't on the same page, that will only build, especially when they keep doing it.

Like I'm assuming someone like you, Ryan, who's like very structured and very independent, like that, it seems insane to you. And because it probably seems so insane to you because you're like 20 days alone, awesome. You know, like you would probably value it. And then she's like not even get a lot done around the house yeah right and so that's kind of driving you nuts and she's not you right she's

never going to be you you probably don't want her to be you but there are there are aspects i think in a relationship where you just want the person to do things the way you would want with the way you would do that so be careful there um i yeah i don't think this is the end of the world i totally get from your point why this might like why you question it or i can bug you a little bit but unless there's other bigger issues coming up i don't think it's that big of a deal and i think you can make it a lot worse by not letting it go and feeling justified for your frustration and i wouldn't be surprised that maybe in six months or longer after she gets used to this routine of you traveling, she will like make friends.

She'll probably get sick of her mom. She'll probably get sick of staying over there. Right. But right now I think in this kind of it's new, this is what she's doing to kind of get used to you traveling and being gone. That's my gut. I think that's what's that. That's what will happen's my gut. I think that's, what's that, that's what will happen. Yeah. And I think that's really my, my next steps is what I was thinking even before this call. Um, I'm going to be out of town, uh, next week I'll be out of town, probably a good, at least three weeks, probably even four weeks before the end of the year for a solid whole week. So,

um, I'm kind of, I'm kind of thinking the same way just kind of you know let those slides see see how it all falls out i would have to think that if anybody her mom would put the put the stop to that anyway i mean her dad travels a lot as well and you have to think that her mom would want to you know i don't know spend time with her dad um it's it's kind of a hike for for them also uh she has dogs that she takes care of and so yeah a lot of things and i kind of think that at this point it's just going to become a volume concern and her mom being like listen you know you're you're however old now you can take care of yourself um and then maybe this isn't near why at the same time why why are you so concerned about it? Yeah, I get what Rochelle's saying.

I guess what I'm saying is I get what Ryan is like the thought process. I think you're going down this rabbit hole. And my guess is you really care about her. You like her. You see a future with her. And you're probably overanalyzing. Yes. You're probably scared to take that next step with her.

And you're trying to find something wrong. Yeah, there's variables. I don that next step with her and you're trying to find something wrong yeah there's variables i don't necessarily think you're trying to find something wrong but i think you just are you really really like her and you're like there's this one thing i bet it really does actually bother you ryan you know what i'm saying i don't think ryan's making this up right oh for sure i think you are like i think you just need to take a breath also like consider the fact that for all you know you know her her mom her your your your potential father-in-law's traveling or whatever her her dad maybe they're reconnecting in ways they've never have in a while as a mother and a daughter you know what i'm saying like this has only been happening for a few months i just think

i think you really need to just let it go i won't i like even when i say let it go you're like okay well i'll give it a couple months like you're kind of still monitoring it you i think you really have to try to out of not just not bring it up to her let it go out of your brain like don't just don't don't don't pretend to let it go from her point of view i think you personally need to try to let it go um i think if there's a bigger issue it will come up but i don't think right now in the short term this is that big of a deal um are you concerned about her being codependent in other ways as well or is it just just manifest in this one way um i i think that's tough to answer just because i don't have any type of codependency issues. And so for me, it's just a lack of ability to understand where that comes from and why anybody would not want to be independent.

Does that make sense? I totally get it, Ryan. I just think this is a fine line between having this be an issue or you just not getting why she's different than you and like someone being different than you even though you're like together in a relationship how she is is not a reflection of you so you can still claim your independence and she can be different than you and it doesn't reflect on you at all it's not a part of your identity that's something i struggle with too like i'm like i can't believe my mom is like this, but how she is, is not a reflection of me. So she can be how she is and I can be how I am. And that's okay.

And people can show independence in a lot of different ways too. And again, I don't know if we really know if her hanging out with her mom all the time is necessarily a lack of independence. She could just be enjoying the company. I just, you know, and she also just might be someone who likes being around people, doesn't like to be alone. I mean, if anything,

like that's not necessarily healthy, but like she did live alone. She lives alone now. I don't think you have to be like, you need to know to be alone for 10 days before, you know, like, you know, that's why she wants to be in a relationship with you. you need to know to be alone for 10 days. That's why she wants to be in a relationship with you. She doesn't want to be alone.

You know what I'm saying? Thank God, yeah. She wants to have you around, be thankful for that. The opposite problem would be if someone was just like, two days of you a week is more than I can muster. So just be careful there. I really do relate to you, not necessarily this specific, specific example, but I think as guys, sometimes, maybe all people, but I can only speak as a guy in terms of, again, being the fixer,

having the prom and you're thinking of all these ways, all right, safety and dogs. And I have all the, I think she just wants to have a friend around when you're gone. I think she just doesn't want to be alone. And I think it's less about independence and more about like not being alone. And I think, again, this is a still relatively new situation for her that she's adapting to. Let her figure that out of what works for her while you all are out working. Because I think to her, it's going to come across as controlling and it's going to come across as um like why do you care you're not even here um be careful of that yeah be careful about that and i don't think you mean to be i think that's it in your personality to you know try to figure things out i mean you're a software guy you probably think very analytical like i mean we

do have some similarities there so i'm just like ah it's like a matrix it's like fuck man this is not that hard what do i need to do just tell me what i need to do so you don't live with your friend mom um but i think you just need to try to let it go um and i my gut tells me maybe not immediately in a few months she'll spend less time there she'll maybe make a new like yoga friends you know she'll start going to classes i don't know she'll find shit to do that isn't just hanging out with her mom and she'll spend less and less time there but she's adjusting right now is my guess and and let her make that adjustment and don't let her think of you as a nag or controlling right was she opposed to moving to

that location in the first place um well i I bought the house originally before she moved in. And yeah, I mean, we call it our house. So I think she knew what she was getting into, I guess. But yeah, I mean, I think we both identify with this as our home. And so I don't think she feels like that she's just staying here, you know, with me as me being the homeowner and her not contributing. She does contribute in a lot of ways. Just be careful, too. I sometimes hate the phrase of you knew what you got yourself into.

Because in any situation, someone can, whether it's like a new job, whether it's a crazy experience, someone can say, all right, here's what you're getting yourself into. And they can like list you. Here's what you can expect. Okay. It's going to be like, well, living that and hearing about it can be two very different things. And I'm just simply saying is, again, like, yeah, you bought the place. She moved in. Like these are, you you know it shit takes time

and adjusting to new environments and situations can take time can take time and everyone has their own way of doing things she's clearly doing it different than you and yeah like i said i mean um just take a step back and you know if if you can't maybe there's something deeper into why you can't do that in terms of like maybe there's something else in the relationship. But I don't get that sense. It seems like you really care about her. As someone, as a guy like Ryan, we have a way of just like not letting stupid shit go. Yeah.

And letting it bug us and like creating it. I've been there, buddy. Like I really have. So try not to do that. buddy like i really have so try not to do that um and you know the little things like having your mom or your stepmom or mom in your place i think that's probably more of a a little tick that you have than anything else i don't i mean i get it you have the right to have it bother you but like the end of the day it's not the end of the world yeah i mean right you know so that's the that's the downside of sometimes serious relationships living with each other it's you know so that's the that's the downside of sometimes serious relationships living with each

other it's you know you you get you can't be as selfish you know like you can live by control you lose control you have to give you have to like oh oh my god she's touching my you know like there's there's definitely it's part of the life part of life man you know so um hopefully that was helpful but best of luck in your relationship and uh good luck with the job i think you guys gonna be fine but just just don't bring it up i don't mean for a while and and if for your own mental health just try to let it go and and think of it in a slightly different light and and unfortunately the big loser in this is the dog where i'm sure he would love the comfort of the home.

No, but seriously, you know, that sucks. That's a bummer. That's not to be dismissed, but, you know, save the relationship. Okay. All right, buddy? Appreciate it, guys. All right, thank you for calling in. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, take care. Thanks for listening. Thanks, take care. All right, bye-bye. Bye. Yeah, I really like this call just because it's the kind of subtleties of relationship. Right. And control.

That can ruin it. Oh, my God. Can it? That's how probably most relationships are ruined. Right. For all the people who call in and it's like, he cheated or he's doing this or X, Y, and Z. It's literally the dumb shit that destroys most relationships. But sitting here on the couch, we're like, you're doing great.

Keep with it. Because all we hear is. Stop fucking it up, man. Yeah. I mean, you know, if they, let's say this young couple breaks up. I mean, I don't know if that will be the issue. It might be he does want someone who's a little bit more independent. Maybe there is something there where he just, she's just like kind of,

you know, Ryan mentioned how he's, he really values his independence, which is, which is great, but he might have fallen for someone. I'm not saying this is the case, but there's a situation.

Maybe he will. After two years, you realize you're really not independent. And it almost like as an independent person i feel a bit suffocated i'm not saying this is it because he's traveling he seems fine i think this is more about him wanting her to be like him and not understanding but that can happen too that what i'm saying is that might that might be the bigger issue but for this immediate issue i think he just he's having a hard time understanding why she doesn't appreciate certain

things that he does and i think we do that in relationships all the time it's just like i don't i don't understand why you don't do this i just think her her um needing to sleep with someone triggers in him his fear of himself not being independent and that's why it bothers him that's my thought i made a little freudian thing no i just think that if if you really value something about yourself there's a little fear there and that she's bringing it out in him maybe i guess i mean it's possible i don't i don't i don't know that but i think i also can think this it could be uh on the flip side it could be a fear of if you're this needy i can't do this you know this

fear of like again when he's talking about like we have kids together and it's just like that panic of whatever who's raising our kids is it going to be you and your mom like i i feel like he's probably doing more shit like that and creating a bigger scenario of like he's like he's like fast forward in the next five or ten years be like like my kids like it's going to be me my wife and my mother-in-law you know and like i don't i want it to be me and my wife and i think he's probably doing that because it's he's gone and she's like living there or she's living there and i think he's he's painting the next five to ten years of his life with her based off these past couple months of this and adjustment. Yeah.

And I think it's more of an adjustment than anything else. How's it going? Good. I'm well. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for asking. What's your name?

My name's Amy and I'm 26. Amy, 26. How can we help you, Amy? Yeah. amy yeah so um my boyfriend and i had been together for three years and super in love but have had kind of a hard time for the last year or so for a number of reasons um we recently moved out of state last year away from our families and he has kind of an alcohol problem so that's caused some trust and dishonesty issues between us when When you say kind of an alcohol problem, do you mean like you've decided he drinks too much or he knows he's an alcoholic? You know, how what what how aware is everyone of the problem?

Sure, sure. So he he is admittedly an alcoholic, but OK, and we'll have kind of bouts of wanting to do something about it like a week of sobriety here and there but has never like gone to a program or has no intention to ever completely stop drinking okay all right continue sorry i just wanted to be curious yeah that's such a rage yeah so the most the most uh recent situation that came up is he's been planning a boys trip with a few of his friends um up in a few weeks. And I've just been feeling kind of uneasy about it because I know these friends and they're single and they're really wild. And they're planning on bringing girls home to the Airbnb that I'll be at. So I just have been feeling kind of uncomfortable with my boyfriend being in that situation. So I had an opportunity the other night to look through his phone. Not proud of it. Not something i've done before but it happened he's gone through my phone before so i that's how i justified it but okay go ahead yeah i know no i i'm not proud of it

not something that i'm that i'm happy that i did but um i saw the group group chat with he and his buddies and uh they're the friends are actively sending full profiles and naked pictures of specific girls that live in the city they're going to be in, uh, talking about how they found girls that want to fuck all of them. And, uh, my boy, my boyfriend's actively participating in the conversation, talking about which ones he would sleep with. Um, so I immediately confronted about it yeah yeah and so i immediately confronted him about it and he just kind of brushed it off and was acting like i was crazy telling me that like it's obviously a joke and that's just how he and his friends talk to each other so when i originally wrote in i was kind of wanting advice for whether i should break up with him or whether he thought it was salvageable but i did decide yesterday not necessarily just for the trip reason but just kind of everything as a whole i did um start the breaking up process with him yesterday we lived

together so it's gonna be a process but i still wanted to get your guys insight kind of just on whether you do think that's kind of normal locker room talk between friends and locker room yeah if you guys had any good tips or getting through just kind of a hard breakup yeah i uh i like this question because i i do have a variety of thoughts um sure big picture wise when you're looking and text or emails if you're looking for something to get you upset you're going to find it when you're looking for places you shouldn't find it um sure i'm not condoning the locker room talk and the text messages but guys do say the craziest shit and do fuck around a lot and you know when you're with your buddies i say a lot of dumb stupid shit and it's like that i wouldn't want my girlfriend necessarily to hear not because i'm hiding

anything it's just more you know and we all do that like i know amy that i don't know you but i'm assuming you've had conversations with girlfriends that if there were a camera on you and recording it out of maybe context, you wouldn't necessarily, you would, and your boyfriend read that, it would get him upset, you know, and you wouldn't be doing anything wrong. I'm just simply saying that's the risk of looking in places where you, it's not your business to look. So you want to be careful. Obviously there's the uh if you're

already looking there's already a huge red flag and there's something your gut is telling you to look so maybe don't even look if you want to look yeah there is that but like listen like sometimes you just need to know and i and i get that so to speak but just just know that, yeah, people do joke around and say shit. This seems to be at a level that's a little bit more than just a joke. Who are these? Where are they going to find all these naked pictures of girls, of guys who want to – do these women know them? This sounds like an escort service, if I'm being honest,

because I don't know where you go or or four or five average dudes have access to naked pictures of women who have openly said we want to have sex with you all of you that sounds like a whorehouse like it's you know i don't yeah i don't know where are they doing their research yeah like who is your boyfriend is he some sort of celebrity of like i don't know. Where are they doing their research? Yeah, like who is your boyfriend? Is he some sort of celebrity of like, I don't, like where? So yeah, like that's obviously. Definitely not. It's not necessarily normal.

Totally, it seems very reasonable that that's bothering you and that there's bigger issues here. Mike, before you mentioned that you were breaking up, I mean, listen, you're living in a new city. When did you, the alcohol drinking problem, when did that really surface? Was that before or after you guys moved? So he's always just been kind of a heavy drinker.

And for the first few years of our relationship, it was always just like in social settings. So it was kind of normalized. But I definitely noticed that he was a heavy drinker. And since we've been in the city uh when it's been just us he's kind of like drinking in secret by himself more often or bringing a bottle of wine in his bag to a bar and drinking it in the bathroom and you know just like things like that so i feel like it's kind of escalated so yeah and the reason i ask that

question is because it sounds like you really realize it was a problem after you moved in and then you're in a new city. And in your case, much harder to leave that relationship as if you hadn't moved and you're in a more familiar city and environment and you had more independence. But you guys are very, you're kind of on this journey experience together. you're kind of on this journey experience together. And so that makes it harder on you and harder to, you know, you're probably, you're willing to put up with a lot more than I think that you otherwise would based on those variables.

So like good for you for definitely true. Good for you for still having that because like, obviously you're not stuck and it makes it harder but certainly not an excuse to stay in a toxic situation yeah I mean it sounds like you know you didn't trust something you didn't even trust

him but you didn't trust it's like you know you didn't trust him you didn't trust his ability to do the right thing because of the alcohol. You know, it's kind of like one of those things like, well, you know, if when he's sober, he's an honest guy, you know, but when he's drunk, he doesn't know what he's doing. Well, you know, you can still not trust someone to make the right choices in those situations. Even if I'm not saying this is the case, but even if you were like, he's never lied to me kind of thing, you know,

this is not the case. It sounds like he maybe is lying to you. And while it could be locker room talk, like blowing that off, what was his reaction by the way, to looking in this stuff? He wasn't super upset because he had looked through my phone. Why did he look through yours?

Yeah. What's going on there? Yeah. So that, that happened. We actually, through my phone why did you look through yours yeah what's going on there yeah so that that happened uh we actually uh last year we're broken up for three months and uh so he had looked through my phone kind of to see text messages between guys that i was texting while we were broken up uh so that was his reasoning prior when he looked through my phone in the past that's not okay it's not okay listen i i yeah big picture i think you're you're on the path to a better situation for yourself and right um my advice to you is uh you know get through the hard times stay the course uh in this situation there might be moments of you know because of your reasonings for breaking this up, he has kind of this automatic, like, take me back card.

And what I mean by that is we've identified the obvious problem, and that is the drinking. You know, that's the big problem and some of this other stuff. So he at any point can come back and be like, I'm changed or I'm new or I'm doing these things. I'm in a program, et cetera, et cetera. changed or I'm new or I'm doing these things. I'm in a program, et cetera, et cetera. He has this kind of, and a lot of times when we break up, there's the person who's being broken up with has this obvious, like, oh, I can, I know how to, I know how to get them back. I'm going to start doing all the things I wouldn't do in the relationship. And then that person who's like, says this isn't right, falls for the very insincere attempt at

change. Right. And so don't fall for that. Like, you know, if that's, if he's in a program, great,

be very supportive, encouraging, but he's whatever he does in the short term, he's going to do it for the, he's not doing it for himself and he's certainly not doing it for you. He's doing it to get what he wants. I mean, he's doing it for himself in the,

in the short term, he's not doing for himself in the short term. He's not doing it for himself in his overall better well-being. So what I'm saying is just be prepared for that. And don't get overly like, oh, he's changing for me, and this is great, and maybe we will make it. There's a lot of toxic things going on here. And I'm not saying he's a bad guy and I'm not saying, but he needs to, he truly needs to take some time for himself.

And this is not a situation that's going to change anytime soon. And it's probably not going to change while you're in his life. And I think you truly need to remove yourself and move on. And who knows, in five years, if you guys reconnect and he's a different man, sure, but this is not happening anytime soon, right? And there's just so much baggage

you guys have of, now you guys are keeping score of doing shitty things in a relationship. Like, that's never good. I mean, like, listen, like you weren't justified

to look at his phone. It doesn't matter if you looked at yours. I get why you did that, but that's not a justification, right? But now you guys are, you're in this rabbit hole. So like, for you you're doing it but know why you're doing it

now remember that because it's gonna you'll have some down times you're gonna feel lonely you're gonna be afraid to move on some fears and and then coincidentally that'll be right around the time he pokes back in and says like he's in some program and you'll be like you know what fine fuck it let's get back together you've already done that you've already broken up you've already gotten back together don't do that as my biggest advice is don't kind of repeat that cycle uh fast forward three years you're still in this very same situation and that that is that is very common it happens all the time and it sounds almost crazy to say, like, you're going to fast forward two years and be in this exact situation. It's more common than not. So be careful about that.

You know? Totally. Yeah, no, for sure. Because all the things that when we break up, it's not as hard as it feels in the moment. You're going to move out. You'll find a different apartment. It might be slightly more expensive. You're going to be a little lonely. These are all fine things. These are all things you're going to move out. You'll find a different apartment. It might be slightly more expensive. You're going to be a little lonely.

These are all fine things. These are all things you're going to totally get through. And you'll have some exciting moments along the way and you'll meet new people and it'll be fine and fun. And be supportive of him from afar.

And he can go have sex with he can have sex with all these uh god random fake women definitely do not exist really that want to have sex with all of them i don't oh i don't believe that's true i i who knows that these guys have guys say the dumbest shit and and create stories in their heads all the time i'm all i'm saying is i don't doubt that this person or girls are real i don't necessarily believe that they want to have sex with all of them that much i know unless they are in fact um and you know that's fine if they are women of the night you know the oldest profession of the world uh but uh yeah good for you for uh why do they want a girl to have sex with all of them anyway that's disgusting it is but some guys are i will i mean some guys are like into that

shit not for me i don't i don't know like i said it's a wild it's a wild group of friends yeah well it's not your problem anymore. So you're going to be fine. And the plus side. Listen, it sounds corny, but be proud of yourself for making this decision and don't discount it. And yeah, be proud of yourself as a way to, in the hard times, know that you're doing the right thing. Thank you so much. This has been super, super helpful., know that you're doing the right thing. Thank you so much. This has been super, super helpful. I so appreciate you guys giving me a call.

Well, thanks for calling. I appreciate it. Best of luck. All right. Thank you, guys. Bye. You know, some guys and boyfriends out there really, you know, give us a bad rap.

But those groups of guys that are, I don't ever want to be with a guy who has a group of friends like that it's so annoying i agree really yeah not every guy's like that no you know we've talked about this before it's as i'm older now it's it's like when i was uh in my 20s i had my i still lived in milwaukee right so i had my core group of friends yeah all those guys were all great guys and i'm still friends with all of them like the guys I hung out with on a regular basis, like kind of my ride or dies where we do these things. Right. We never talked or did shit like that ever. Yeah. Now I've moved, I've acquaintances and I've, I've become friends or friendly with

some people where I get to know them. Like you're kind of a shitty dude, you know? And like, yeah, I'll hang out with them and i'll have a beer but like they're not like people i trust or like right you know so it's a little different but uh but that said guys do say dumb shit and do joke around and do like make like really like yeah like dirty jokes that like if do i would i want my girlfriend at the time to read it no do i feel like i'm hiding anything from her but like even if you again we've talked about this even if you read a whole conversation of text it's still out of context because you don't know and so that's a scary thing if you're about to pick up that phone and look it's over it's over

you're gonna find something uh i remember one time it reminds me of a story i was i had my a girlfriend in a relationship and um there's this other girl i knew and she we were friends she hung in the same friend group and uh she was asking me advice about this other guy and this this other guy, like I wasn't friends with him, but some of my buddies were, and he was kind of one of those guys. It was the type of guy who had like for six months two girlfriends. Like not like two friends with benefits, two girlfriends who like call like the family.

Like a Jed, a Jed Wyatt. Yeah, no, even more so. Anyways, and so then this girl was like the third girl and just another girl she would always hang out with and he was asking me her advice and this is a pretty girl and so we're emailing back and forth emailing i was at work this is you know before okay you know just like 10 12 years ago and in the conversation somewhere i or maybe it was facebook message i don't fucking know but in the conversation it's me writing listen you're very beautiful and complimenting her and saying like listen you kind

of you you don't need to deal with this shit blah blah blah and my girlfriend time i remember how or was she was sneaking around and read it and it's like what the fuck you're beautiful and whatever and i'm just like i was just trying to make her feel better about she's like losing her shit about this other guy and i'm just trying to say like you're a beautiful person you don't need to deal with this shit and i had no like ill intentions you know i'm saying i didn't want to date this girl i was very in love with my girlfriend at the time my point is like in that situation like it she loves like there's no other way to read this other than you're a fucking dirtbag and she loves like there's no other way to read this other than

you're a fucking right dirt bag and i'm like no there is another way to read it and that was me like trying to help her out right you know and so just for email a little weird it might have been facebook message okay whatever like i don't but yeah but if you're looking you'll find i like that i don't know if this girl maybe she might have thought listen i'm not saying my girlfriend at the time wasn't like completely unjustified for having a problem with it right this other girl was a pretty girl like i get it but i'm just simply saying maybe i was being dumb or whatever i just i wasn't trying to hook up with this girl and i wasn't flirting with her right you know but her reading it wow you know like so just tread lightly. Yeah. How's it going?

Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Rachel. I'm 27. Rachel, 27. How can we help, Rachel?

Yeah, I've been dating this guy for almost two and a half years. And it's been going really well the whole time. But we're getting to a point where I think we're kind of on two different pages. I'm ready to move into more of a commitment, head towards marriage. And he just seems really afraid to commit. Last year sometime we talked really seriously about moving in together and made plans to do that. And then he kind of backed out last minute. But we stayed to do that. And then he kind of backed out last minute. Um, but we stayed together, uh, through that. Um, we're both in good places in our careers and everything. And recently I'm starting to feel like, um, maybe the reason that he's not ready to commit is

because he's never dated anyone before me. I've had a lot of serious relationships before him. Um, but I'm his first girlfriend ever. Um, and I just kind of wondered your thoughts on, on that idea. When you say he's never dated anyone, was he your first girlfriend or for like, could it has had, did he like casually date? Cause he could, you could be his first girlfriend, and he could have been with 30 women and be toyed. No. No. No. I mean like-

Virgin? Never. Yeah. He had been on maybe one or two other dates before we went on our first date. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Because it could have been totally the other scenario. Yeah. And you've been dating for how long? Two and a half you said about two and a half years yeah uh listen i i think uh without knowing too much this is one of those kind of fine line situations too um you're 27 how old is he he's 27 okay I know this feels like the time where you should start getting serious and you've probably imagined, you know, settling down right around this point in your life, uh, maybe even earlier. Right. So there's those things at play.

Um, I think it's really important in these situations to really try to kind of set that immediate desire aside and really focus on all the other stuff about the relationship. How you guys communicate? Do you get along? Are you really in love? Are, you know, is the person, is he the person you really want to be with regardless of the fact that you are, that you've already been dating for two and a half years or that you are that you've already been dating for two and a half years or that you are at the point in your life like those are things you want to focus up because i think a lot of people just in this point where you are at your life it's kind of like a timing thing which is like well this is the person i love the most at 25 26 so this is the person i'm

gonna marry you know um because it's, that's the time to do it. And then, so like, again, with, well, I guess, well, we've been dating for two and a half years, we should move in or take it more seriously. And then I think you even so on your side, on your side might cloud your judgment about thinking about the relationship itself and how you guys truly communicate. And so I would challenge you to, to do that. Um, on the other side, you know, if you knew that you guys would get married, uh, at 29, uh, that you'd have to wait a year and a half, what, what would you, if you had a crystal ball, what would you feel? How would you feel about that? Or even 31, you know, would you be, would you think I love him? I know he's my guy and whatever,

a couple of years would, how would you feel about that? Yeah, I think I would be excited if, if, even if he was saying, you know, I definitely want to marry you and we'll do that in a year or two, but I'm not getting, um, those kinds of straight answers from him, I but I'm not getting um those kind of straight answers from him I guess I'm telling him that that you know it took him a long time to say I love you to me I was I moved a lot faster in that direction I think it's probably most females maybe do I probably said it to him after eight months and it took him a year probably you know so I guess my feelings have always moved faster that's not fast it's not that fast and i don't think it's that right i don't think it's that fast either but um and i think it's totally

fine for him to wait longer and i don't think it's necessarily i think there's a lot of guys say i love you before the yeah before women do yeah i would actually if you were to ask me and to guess i would say more men say it first oh really but that's because we're waiting for the guy to say it first maybe so we don't look like an idiot that might be why i'm ready like three weeks in i'm like let's do this um yeah i it's a it's a tough i mean how is everything else i mean you know do you spend a lot of time at this point is the biggest in your relationship the where are we problem? Which is not in itself a problem? I think it is somewhat our biggest question. I guess when I talk to him about it, I don't ever

really get a good, it just seems like he's always really putting it off. What if he doesn't know the answer? I mean, maybe the reason you're not putting it off. What if he doesn't know the answer? I mean, maybe the reason you're not getting a straight answer is because he doesn't know. Right? I mean, 27, it's not, especially maybe for him, I don't think he might not be easily being like, I have to know if she's the one. You know, like, I don't think you, I don't think if you've been dating for someone a year and a half or two years, you have to know that this is your forever person. I know that it's ideal. And I'm not saying it's out of the question for you to feel like, well, I mean, shit, what's going to change?

You know, I don't know. Yeah. You know, it is a tough one because you have to decide, like, how long you are willing to wait for something that you might never get what you want. Because who knows? If you're not engaged, if you're not married, there's, I guess, a sense of reason why. And you can leave at any point. And so can you, by the way. And things change.

And people do get engaged and get married and still break up. So there's just no guarantees in life. get engaged and get married and still break up so there's just no guarantees in life um the reason you're not probably getting a straight answer is he probably doesn't know himself you know it's like i mean and he probably says things like well yeah i mean if he's with you the assumption is he can't see a future with you and if he's with you then he's like i guess yeah i mean i plan on us getting together but there is a reason why you're not and and that could just be i don't want to yet and as far as i don't know his dating history i guess that plays a role i don't know i mean i have never like when i was 27 i had

you know a couple serious relationships and i hadn't been with that many people but yeah i had been with enough of people that didn't feel like i needed to uh like i was missing out yeah um and if he has never said that to you i doubt that's part of well that's the thing is like that's you know a guy who for what for whatever reason he didn't have that much experience has he changed to the point where now he just wants all this sex and like meet all these women like do you know do you notice a difference in him like that way is he more liberated when he's no i mean i don't get that sense from him at all that he wants to do that but i guess for me it just seems like well wouldn't you want to have more experience or not or more relationships?

I don't know. No. Yeah. Be careful about like projecting and thinking for him and creating desires and interests for him that he has like, I'm literally never thought about that. You know, this is a guy who decided for whatever reason not to have that much dating experience before he met you. Yeah. And maybe he was totally fine with that.

Yeah. It also doesn't mean that he's going to like put a ring on it as soon as he's in a relationship. Right. I know we're kind of being vague and we don't have like a defined answer. But I think the biggest thing in the situation too a like a defined answer but i think the biggest thing in the situation too is like you really have to focus on the relationship and i think you specifically have to really try to my guess is you're you're investing so much thought and energy not only when you're by yourself but when you're communicating with him about the future

and about your living situation that that's cannibalized and monopolized cannibalized did it again it's monopolized your entire relationship so like that's all you guys are fucking talking about and i've been in relationships like that where it's just like for three months leading up to when our leases are up like are we gonna move in are we not gonna move in and that was and everything we talked about it was everything we fought about i mean it was like we i was like i don't want to do that uh i want to be with you. I don't want to move in. Like, I know where it's 2019, but like, not everyone, you don't have to move in with somebody before you get engaged. I get that it makes a lot of sense to get, and that, and I have, and I would, but you

don't have to. Everyone's different in that regard. So, you know, you can't convince them to get engaged to you. And you don't want to, by the way. And you can't convince them to move in with you. And you don't want to, by the way. So you really don't, you know, you really don't want to have to convince them. So you have to decide, is he the person you really want to be with? And are you willing to proceed as is at the risk of it might not working out, but you will have a better idea whether this works out or not when you focus

on the actual relationship and how you communicate and how you fight and the things you do and how he treats you and how you treat him, none of which has anything to do with whether you're living together or not, right? Because it doesn't matter if you're engaged in six months or a year, year and a half. What matters is, do you get engaged and married to the right person that you'll be with for the rest of your life? So focus on whether he's that person and less about getting what you want now, right? And if you focus on the actual relationship, you'll have a clearer picture whether this is a relationship you want to be in, or if you're willing to wait, you know, pressuring him and make him feel like

he has to decide just to appease you or just to shut you up is not a healthy way and i think a lot of moving in situations and engagements happen under those uh conditions and it only leads to resentment it's like i know i just i can't i can't take you asking me about it so like fucking fuck it let's yeah my friend said to me the other day he's like i feel know, I can't take you asking me about it. So like, fucking fuck it. Let's move in. To me, the other day, he's like, I feel like I'm on a train I can't get off of. I'm like, that's not ideal. No, but like, you know, we all, it's both are in a relationship. It's both people's fault.

But like you, you got, you want to really be careful there. Two and a half years doesn't mean you have to move in. And then don't run, like your leases are up, all your other friends are moving in together, none of that matters about your relationship, it really doesn't you spending, well why am I spending $600 more a month when I spend four nights a week at your place

I get the logical aspect of it but none of it really has to do with the relationship and how you guys would be as a married couple if you decide to do that down the road and how you guys would be as a married couple if you decide to do that down the road and i think a lot of people make that mistake of of arguing about these these little things um so try not to try not to stress about that and really just focus on him and what he wants stop assuming he wants to do things that he's never brought up to you before. You know? Okay. Yeah.

A 27-year-old guy who's not in a rush to get engaged or married is not weird. And it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. I don't know him, but it's not an immediate red flag. Okay. All right? Thank you.

The best way to always get what you want, whether it's guy or girl, is like, again, stop bugging him about it and just be fine with him. And again, you might be surprised on the road of him being like, yeah, do you want to move in? Yeah. As soon as you stop asking about it, pressuring someone to do something is a surefire way

to make them really resent it. And then acting like you don't want it anymore is a sure-fire way to get them to be like, I kind of want to move in, you know, or get engaged. But focus on the relationship and focus on him. Thank you.

Appreciate it. Well, best of luck. Hopefully that was helpful. Thanks for calling in. Yes. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. All right, take care.

Bye. Okay, bye. I do the same thing where if, like, they aren't acting in the way I expect them to act, I'm like trying to figure out the reason why. And you can like figure out what's wrong with you. Figure out.

Yeah. I mean, shit. I do that a lot. You do. Oh my God. Yes. I mean,

again, I think Ryan guys have that fixer mentality and I'm an analytical and strategic person. So like whether it's work or anything, and I'm like, I see it literally as a math problem. It's just like, all right,

well, that's why is the, what I'm trying to get. And then I have X and what X is and, and, and Z is the missing variable. How do I, Oh,

okay. I'll just do that. And like, literally it makes no fucking sense. I mean, it seems so logical to me. Right. We all do that to her and to fill in

those gaps fill in the gaps we we literally just make up shit well i mean it seems totally logical that he hasn't slept with a lot of people so he must want to fuck everybody oh okay yeah you know like of course i mean we you know we we make those mistakes of filling in these like gaps and coming up with the y's and x's that i was like I'm like, I'm, I just not ready. Is that, am I allowed to like, not, I don't,

I mean, I'm like, it's fine, but like, yeah, I'm 27. Maybe, maybe for all you know,

he's saving up for this big ring thing. Maybe he just doesn't want to. And she's like, Oh, he just wants to stick his stick in everything. Oh my God. You don't want to live with me. You want to fuck you're cheating.

Yeah. The living in it's, it's such a the living moving in or living with someone it's um people always act like it's the obvious next step and i need to live with someone before i get engaged more often than not young uh newish, when I say young couples, I mean like dating for less than two years and the pressure of moving in is a great way to ruin a relationship. I mean, because unless you're on the same, like if two people are mutually like, do you want to move in? Yeah, you? Oh my God, can we?

Really? We're both like, then move in. If you're both mutually super stoked about it, go for it. But it's okay for the other person to have reservations. Yeah. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Molly. I'm 27.

Molly, 27. How can we help you, Molly? Happy Friday. Happy Friday to you. How can we help you, Molly? Happy Friday. Happy Friday to you. So a little back story. Went on a girl trip to Myrtle Beach with a couple of my girlfriends, met a group of guys, and one of the guys became interested in me and kind of hit it off a little bit but was initially attracted to him.

Took it outside of Florida, and he just so happened to be coming to my town the next weekend. And we kind of hung out then and got a little closer. And so took it to FaceTime and text messaging. He lived in Florida and I lived here in Ohio and decided that it was time for me to fly and see him. So when I booked a trip to see him, um, kind of became a little sketchy and stopped kind of FaceTiming me as much, stopped phone calls, that kind of stuff. And now, um, he made a comment about how he was busy the weekend that I booked my trip and ended up canceling on me because he had work plans. You booked a flight and then he canceled? Yes. All right, continue. I kind of put myself out there and went out of my comfort zone to book a trip to go visit a guy that I really don't know that well, just through texting and FaceTiming.

So I don't know. I kind of feel like he might be lying to me and saying that he doesn't have the plans. Probably, yeah. So I guess I guess I'm trying to figure out if he really if you think he really did have work plans or if you think that he kind of got scared because I booked a trip to see him and now he's backing out. Well, I don't think that's I know for you that feels like the answer you really want. But I think we all know the answer. Right. We all know. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. want but i think we all know the answer right right we all know yeah yeah um yeah he definitely doesn't have those plans um and if he did i mean i you would make it work right i guess yeah i think all people and especially guys when they really want something they make shit work uh unless he had to travel for this work thing he could be like oh my god you would just you would be able to tell right you would be able to tell if a guy um he might be like oh molly oh terrible news uh this work thing happened i'm gonna be busy but like whatever just come out we'll make it work i want to be like worst case scenario like you know go to you you can you'll have to you'll

be on your own for like four hours but that's fine you're an independent person but then we'll have a bunch of other things planned and we'll go to dinner and we'll have some fun and then and after this work thing we'll go like that's what he would do if he was really excited uh that's what all guys have done um he's not doing that with you so for whatever reason he's having reservations and he's panicking and backing out and it might be just that that he's just like i don't know if i really know this chick and like well she's staying with me for a whole weekend and what if we don't get along and like what if it's like uh you know and it's maybe for all you know like one of his buddies or his friend or a sister or i

don't know got in his head about this be like well do you even know this chick like she's staying with you like or he could be in a relationship now yeah i mean that's possible but i think it's far more likely that he didn't have a relationship yeah and he's just like i don't know if i want to like have this chick stay with me all weekend i've had so many girlfriends buy tickets to see guys they just met. And it's the most horror story. It always ends terribly. Always? The ones I know.

When they just have met them once. I got to say, I have. I have done this. Oh, you have? I actually quite... It's fun. I mean, there are always different scenarios. I guess it's just risky mean they're always different scenarios it's just risky

they're always different scenarios I once one of the most exciting stories I've ever had where I I went to a bachelor party it was a long like butterfly effect that like started with a year before no but it's like a series of events of like getting canceled I got a voucher and then I all these things happen where I finally on my way back it was a 6 a.m flight back to chicago and i met this girl on a plane and it was like the first time i've ever sat next to the hot chick you know like the hottest girl on the plane and we had like such a fun conversation and whatever and like we didn't even at the end we landed and it was a layover in atlanta and she was from atlanta and i had to go back to wait what was your opening line oh we were just like at 6 a.m i don't forgot but we were talking the whole time everyone else was sleeping it was and anyways what's the deal with these nuts huh

sure well i landed i was like i don't hate by the way i'm nick you know oh by the way uh by the next weekend, I flew to Atlanta to see her. Whoa. So that weekend before, we met on a plane. A week later, I'm in Atlanta, whatever. Where is she now? I don't know. And no, a couple months later, she flew to Chicago, and then it kind of just fizzled out.

I've always had nice times, like the few times where, for whatever various reasons this has happened, I will say this. When it happens, I still have some anxiety about that stuff as the guy i will say like i don't know what your friend stories are as a guy i'm very conscious of all i care about them is that they feel safe and comfortable oh yeah uh i've had situations where like there's this build-up of like right like this one girl i don't remember if it was her but i just remember being like i know we've kind of implied that we want to hook up, but I

know there's some sexual tension, but just so you know, like I'm coming here, I'm not expecting sex. Oh, that's good. Like, I just want to have a good time and like, don't feel like I, and I've kind of set that out. I'm looking off track here, which also really helps you get sex. And then you have to stay the whole weekend though. You know what I know what i mean like no but also that it's also a great line to help you get sex oh god no i know but no but seriously i don't like as a guy you want them to

feel comfortable but i will say back to looking off track i will i have there hasn't been a time where i've done something that's kind of adventurous in that regard. And I haven't felt a lot of angst about like, you know, well, cause guys, as women, you have much greater fears about your safety. Guys are just like afraid of like, you know, the, you know, crazy white female, you know, like the, you know, she's staying at my place. I don't know this chick. Like, and he's gonna, you you know so there's definitely a panic there and some some people just like i remember that story i told you i remember i booked a flight i

was at work and then my friends were like what are you what are you doing this weekend i'm like i'm i'm flying to atlanta to hang out with this chick and she's beautiful and like we had a great time but i don't fucking know her and like there was like this round table discussion of whether i should go or not you know because i was kind of like i don't i want to yeah and i a couple like actually some some women colleagues were like yes fuck it go you know and i ended up having a great time right um yeah so i i only say this because and tell you the story is he's probably doesn't have work and and i wouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out more than that yeah you know this could you have a girlfriend i don't could you have met someone i don't know sure you don't

know this guy it's not worth your energy investing it but don't let this don't let this experience kind of like steal your adventurous spirit from you um you, yeah. You know, like, it was a fun thing. Maybe things to learn from in the future is, Right. as a guy, the more normal you can sound, the safer they are, where you're just like, who initiated this, by the way, in terms of you flying there?

Was it your idea? Was it his? Was it mutual? It was kind of mutual. You say kind of mutual um you say you say kind of mutual it was mutual he would send me text he would send me texts of like screenshots of the flights saying like oh they went down you should put your place this weekend that kind of thing and then i was definitely on the verge i wasn't originally going to do it so all of my friends are saying no

no i didn't do it at first but then i decided last minute i was like screw it let's do it and booked it last minute uh did you go did you fly out no yeah has the date passed it's today oh i'm sorry this is way better than having sex with that guy what a bummer like oh i put the excitement that was gonna happen and now you're just gonna go to like the same cars um have you heard from him at all when was the last time you talked to him are you still are you in some communication with him still so he didn't like how i reacted about not going and kicking the trip. How did you react? So he kind of stopped.

I was a little passive-aggressive. What do you mean by a little? Kind of upset that it. Can you give us specifics? Kind of upset that it happened and gave him a little shit for it. And he didn't like that. And so he kind of backed away even more. So that's where we're at now. kind of backed away even more so that's where we're at now i gotta say as a guy yeah whether it was a real excuse or a fake excuse i would have offered to cover the flight yeah for sure

he he asked did you pay for the flight he did pay for the flight oh he paid okay so i originally paid and then when he found out that he had to work he said that he would pay the cancellation fee. Yeah. Okay. So, after you got mad or before you got mad? A little bit after.

After? It was after for sure. He definitely didn't seem very sympathetic about the fact that he canceled the trip, and I think that's kind of what upset me the most. There wasn't a lot of, like, I'm sorry and that kind of stuff. Did he cancel over FaceTime or text or a phone call? It was gradually through text,

and then the final decision was over a phone call. Okay. Yeah. I mean, listen, I wouldn't invest, again, too much time in this guy. You got your money back. You got your money back. Right.

In the future, again, like, you should definitely, if an opportunity presents itself, don't run from it. Yeah. If you get in a situation, but like, yeah, like, it sounds like you maybe couldn't have done anything differently. Right.

Um, if you want to play that game and just be like, ah, you don't really know me. And like, you're going to think I'm a crazy, like, I don't know.

Do you really want me to come? You know? Uh, but at the end of the day, you didn't really lose anything other than the excitement. You're not out money. He did cover it. That was the right thing to do for, him that's totally fine um my gut tells me he was just kind of worried how normal

you were and and then he was looking for an excuse for you not to be normal and then you kind of gave it to him with this reaction which is by the way totally normal on your part um if you really like this guy you want to salvage just back away and just be like if you want to say anything just be like i was just excited to see you i totally get from your standpoint maybe you're probably nervous like you don't know who i am and i was just disappointed but like no harm no foul i don't know if you should reach out i think you should probably just let it go i don't think i'm going to i think it's just in the past. Not reach out. And if you hear from him again, you know, if you want to talk to him, fine. Just be like, I don't know.

I mean, you kind of, I was like, you made plans. I think if you're going to live this risky, like, sexy, adventurous life, which we all should, you just got to be able to roll with the punches and be like, okay, that didn't work out. I really put myself out there. Well, that's the thing. It's a riskier thing to do that that and that's not always going to work out but um yeah he just he panicked i don't know that's all i think he definitely he panicked

something someone got in his head in the same friends who told you not to go yeah he has friends too you know and so you know a couple buddies were just like dude i don't what the fuck what are you gonna do all weekend yeah what are you gonna do like you're gonna have you'll get there you'll take her back you guys will go somewhere you you'll go out to dinner you're like he'll you'll lie he's like what do you want to get food and i guess we'll get food you'll sit there and you're just like waiting to go have sex and then you'll go back to his place and then you would have sex and then all of a sudden there's this panic of like i got 48 more hours of time to fill with her you know because you know like and that's some expensive sex too like what if he can't get it up he's like gosh i'm not really

that but like the truth is he doesn't know if he wants. Guys don't really know if they want to keep hanging out with them after they have sex until after they have sex. But he has no choice because you live with them for that weekend. Right. You know, that's the reality of it is. And so he panicked. That's it. Okay.

Yeah. But who cares? On to the next adventure. Keep being adventurous. Slow it. Slow play it. Okay, yeah. But who cares? On to the next adventure. Yes. Keep being adventurous. Slow play it a little bit more. And if anything, be aware that guys do panic about that. So, you know, it's always great if you have friends in the same city,

you might be visiting a guy. You're like, oh, you know, I actually have these plans with these other friends. Yes. And make him feel like he doesn't have to take care of you for a weekend because i think every guy kind of feels that pressure and i'm sure you had your own fears and and i'm just talking about like and i guarantee you that's what he was thinking about right yeah yeah and make him pay for the flight yeah but yeah i'm glad he played pay for the flight. Yeah. He should always pay for the flight. I'm glad he played for the flight. He should have done that.

That's all that matters, right? That's all that matters. No harm, no foul, but have a fun weekend. Do something fun. Have some sex with some other guy. Absolutely. But safe. Thank you, guys.

Safe sex. All right. Thank you. Take care. Bye. I love an adventurous weekend getaway. That's great. It fits in line with the rest of you,

you know, moving out here, going on a bachelor. Yeah, I've always been into it. I mean, it's like I have all these, but over the years, a handful of my times that I've had a fun. Yeah.

I think that when I talked about it, was that the kind of first time I did something that crazy? For me, it was. Maybe that gave you the appetite for. The appetite. I think it certainly ran its course. Yeah?

Yeah. Like it got bad? No. I mean, I went out there. And then like a month later, she came here. Yeah. And I think she kind of wanted to keep hanging out. And I feel like I was just kind of like.

I mean, so much of it was the excitement of it all. Of talking a whole plane flight and then not. It was one of the coolest stories of my life. I mean, I will say. Very sexy. It was, again, it literally started a year before. Because the only reason I was on said flight was because I had a free voucher.

Oh, so you made up a story of like how, like kismet. Well, again, the only reason I was on that particular flight was some free voucher I got you made up a story of like how like kismet it was like well again the only reason i was on that particular fight was some free voucher i got the year before and it was one of those airlines that doesn't even exist so like i barely could use it yeah and i had to choose between either going directly from chicago to vegas and vegas to chicago or getting a free flight but flying to atlanta from vegas to chicago which made no fucking sense but i was like fuck it i'll save the 400 bucks or whatever it's like sleepless in chicago and so like at six a.m i don't want to be in this total babe walks in and it was actually me her and his other like she was older but another

beautiful i like the two hottest women sitting next to me wow it was like what what are the chances usually it never happens like you first pick your own seat? No, no, it was not Southwest. And yeah, we just had a, it was just a fun, like for five hours, we just shot the shit. No one knew each other's name. And at the end I was like, I'm Nick. And then we walked and I was like, well, why don't you give me your number? And maybe we'll, we'll keep in touch. And like that Monday I booked a, like it was, it was wild. Now they're probably like, I sat on the plane next to the guy who ended up being the bachelor.

Maybe, yeah. But I, there, in that like Wednesday, Thursday, there was probably like I sat on the plane next to the guy who ended up being the bachelor. Maybe. Yeah. But I, there, in that like Wednesday, Thursday, there was a lot of panic. I was like, oh, for sure. I'm actually doing this. Like, fuck. Oh my God. She could be crazy as fuck.

And I know like, I, that's what, what's, she's beautiful. And then for four hours I talked around a plane and had a delightful conversation. And for two days in the middle of that week I was convinced like she's gonna murder me like you know what I'm saying because it was always like why is she

why is she letting me fly out here right why is she this is so not normal right like why why are you letting me do this I know I'm doing it

but I'm I know I'm normal so and I we had a we had a really great time. It was really delightful and fun. Oh, memories. What a great episode.

Another fun, lovely episode. 10%er callback. Always good to have a 10%. Always. I feel like, and it was such a great, I feel like our listeners were, it's a relatable. Not relatable specifically but relatable in the the mundaneness of the fights that we have in relationships right and from a guy's point of

view of like i'm really curious what our listeners think of that i feel like it's gonna be split 50 50 of like i think some listeners would be like ryan chill the fuck out man yeah and other people be like yeah i don't know she sounds a little lady right um but uh yeah and i think that's kind of the point where it's like everyone like there's no right or wrong yeah people are different and that doesn't mean you have to break up with them um so yeah thank uh thanks ryan for uh for listening for calling in and all you other guys out there. And I'm assuming you women, you know some guys you could really benefit from some of these conversations we're discussing. Save me the world, Rochelle. I feel like we really are.

Not really. As always, sending your questions, asknick at castmedia.com. Cast with a K. Don't forget to send in your five-star ratings. We have a great show for you on Wednesday. Check back in to find out who that is. Until then, have a wonderful day.

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