The Viall Files - E631 Ask Nick - How Do We Give Up Our 6-Year Situationship

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss whether or not you ask waiters for their opinions on the menu, and parenting strategies in bringing up “the birds and the bees.” We also read a submission from someone who thinks she may want to be an F Boy. As a single divorced mother, her life is very fulfilled. Except for one thing–sex. She doesn’t want a relationship, and is wondering how to fulfill her sex life while still being a good parent. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller is moving in with her ex who won’t speak to her. In a few weeks, she’ll be studying abroad through her grad program, and living in a house with 20 other students, including her ex who hates her. Our second caller’s person left to find herself in London. Fresh off the devastating breakup from someone she dated for a year, and has known since they’ve been children, she’s unsure whether to keep the friendship in the hope of rekindling one day, or cutting off communication. Our final callers have been in a 6 year long-distance situationship and can’t seem to fully commit or break it off. He is currently in a relationship, but they plan to see each other this weekend. They don’t want to cross that line, but can’t seem to cut ties fully with each other.  “We have to prioritize the quality of someone wanting to be with us.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Zocdoc - Go to http://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE.  HelloFresh - Visit http://www.HelloFresh.com/50viall and use code 50viall for 50% off plus free shipping.  Helix - Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows by going to HelixSleep.com/VIALL and use code HELIXPARTNER25.  OneSkin - Listeners can get 15% off OneSkin with our code VIALL at http://www.oneskin.co.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by part of the household, Allie and Amanda with us, the OGs. Sup, chachos? Oh my god, it's like whenever I'm hanging out with just my parents and my brother's not there, I'm like, three Musketeers, founding members. That's us. It's like, why'd you have them? I love my brother, he's the best.

Good to be with you guys. We have a great episode lined up for you so excited for you to get to that who do we got on the agenda this week oh we got Paige DeSorbo what a get for us Paige DeSorbo from Summer House Paige also just super funny

very like fashion forward fashion forward girly like excited to talk with page long time coming excited to have her then uh our friends erica priscilla and her husband scott rejoined the show they were our guests on episode 420 memorable memorable uh they'll be with us i'm sure we'll get into a bunch of fun topics with them. Get ready to laugh all week long. That much, I promise you. It's going to be a ton, a ton of fun.

So I hope you join us. Also, on Friday, we have an update going up behind Vile Files Plus. And we dropped an update last Friday behind Classic, if you haven't got to that yet. We're just like, update, update, update, update. We know you love your updates. They're all free.

You know, free to sign up for Vile Files files plus free to just listen to vile files classic so if you are missing out on some of the updates that you have been wondering what's been going on you are missing out because there's this will be our 13th update special behind vile files plus so think of all the updates that you're missing if you haven't signed up yet. I know y'all love closure. There's one thing. How do I get closure, Nick? How do I get closure? Subscribe to File Files Plus. You only get closure with yourself by pulling out that credit card.

I read a book called The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control. And the author has a very compelling closure as a fantasy section. Oh. I agree. Similar to what you say of like closure as acceptance you read so many books you're just a wealth of knowledge I listen to them on audiobook uh question uh do you guys

ask a waiter of their opinion on the menu ever Allie doesn't I have the the appetite the palate of a six year old boy so typically when they're like this special is i'm like i don't like steak i wouldn't eat the scallops like where are your chicken tenders and fries so

it feels like a waste of their time and i don't want to be rude yeah what about you okay so i have a strategy where like if i'm between like two or three things i will ask for the waiter's input usually they have a strong opinion and then it's always golden. My boyfriend goes like Barbara Walters on their ass. Like we'll like sit down at a restaurant. We'll both look at the menu. I'll be like, OK, I'm excited. And a lot of times we'll do like share a bunch of different things. And I really appreciate he like I've tried the best food of my life because of like the stuff he recommends. So I very much am like I defer to you if like you have strong opinions and he'll look at the menu and look at me and goes I got some questions and when the waiter comes he will ask questions and they're never annoying

and they're usually just like what do you recommend but like sometimes you have very specific like what cut of meat is this pork oh yeah and like no your nick is the personality equivalent of like the midwestern boat wave like you're never gonna be mad at him like he's just he's just he's gonna be a kind guy can kind of get along with anybody he's gonna wave to you on a boat yeah it's like he's the most like animated chiller i've ever met in my life like he's so like flamboyant and animated and opinionated and like like vibrant but he's also like to his core like a guy you want to get a beer with well i asked the question because the other day

daly went out to dinner and i asked the waiter like what do you think about x y or z and then it dawned on me that i mean not quite as bad as ally but i'm particular with how things are prepared yeah i like things a certain way do i love. But like, I don't like soggy pizza. I don't like undercooked pizza. I don't think many do. Well, no, I do. Yeah. No, they do.

I just like, what's the undercarriage look like? Does it come down? Does it flip? Is it over? When you say undercarriage, are you talking about like if you lift up the cheese? The bread. Okay. Okay.

I see what you mean. It's cooter. And I ask myself, like, why do I ask people what their favorite when I don't know how they like things prepared you know like i don't know their taste bud preferences i'm asking all these people like what do they want and i don't know what they like you know i feel like yeah so i feel like you're asking questions that require follow-up questions which is not bad yeah it's like do you know anyone i could set me up with type of questions and it's just like well how do you know that they have the same preferences and people as you have?

I don't know. Have you ever gotten bad advice from a waiter? Yeah. Regretted? All the time. Really? Yes. You've been burned and yet you still put yourself out there.

Yeah. I mean, I usually don't. I mean, I have, but usually I know what I want. And when I don't know what I want, then it's anarchy. Yeah. I will say something that you need to usually ask follow-up questions about are cocktails. I feel like that's a very common question I'll ask of like, is this really sweet? Because you can see the ingredients, but you don't really know how it's going to taste.

Pivot. How did your parents deal with the birds and the bees conversation? And did you tell your parents the first time that you were sexually active? Mine was over a period of years, many books. The first book came in second grade. They just gave you books? No, I was read the books. By who, your parents?

My mother. The first book was in second grade. It was a picture book. I will never forget the animated people underneath a sheet looking so pleased with themselves after they had fornicated. What was the book called? Oh, I wish I knew. I don't know.

But the books got more like detailed as you got older. But what was the general? I bring this up because I recently was asked, like, am I going to like give my kids protection? You know, like my I we didn't talk about sex. It was, don't have it before you get married so you don't burn in hell, you know,

type of thing. And so, I certainly didn't talk about it with my parents because I answered the question like, yeah,

I think so, you know. So, obviously, I put a lot of thought into it. And like, I don't want to be the parent

who like, you tell a kid no, it makes them want to rebel and do things. And so, I feel like I'm just going to be the awkward cool dad. To the point that whenever my kid or kids are considering being sexually active,

the last thing I want going through their brain is, do I really want to talk to my dad about this? Because I'm going to be the person who's just like, we can talk about anything and nothing's off limits. And I'm not going to yell at you. I just want you to make you be safe. And I want you to value yourself. But I, you know, whenever you're ready

and you're going to be ready, I guess, because I can't really stop you. But I want them to know that they're going to have to have this awkward conversation with dad. Who's going to be like, what was it like? You know, like, how'd you feel? You know, and if nothing else, maybe that will give him pause. I want them to like be dreading having a conversation with dad.

The postgame. Yeah, the postgame replay where I'm going to be like, hey, all right, let's sit down. Let's just talk about it. Oh, so it's like the opposite. You're not telling them no, but they might avoid it. Just avoid the conversation. 100%. I see. Yeah. What's your take on like privacy in the sense of like, what if that's something my kids won't have privacy? If they're like young, too. I mean, I think it's different. I was so glad that I waited until when I did. I mean, I didn't do anything until college. And I felt like that was better because I was like, I'm living on my own. I felt like more of an adult because I was. What do you mean by privacy? Do you think I should have privacy?

I mean, listen, I just feel like we're going to have a very communicative family. We're going to talk about boundaries and self-respect with mom and dad. Listen, I just want you guys to feel comfortable. We are here to talk to you. We are here to be there for you. And you're going to deal with life lessons. And as you get into your teenage years, it's going to be complicated, but I never want you to be afraid to talk to us. And we're just going to

be easy to talk to, but like slightly awkward, you know, cause it's still mom and dad, but no, I don't think privacy is a right that my kids are going to enjoy. You don't get to lock your rooms. You don't get to have passwords. Like if you're in this household and you're under 18, you're not going to be afraid of being punished. You're just going to have to talk to us about it. Yeah, I I don't know. I I and obviously like go off, go in. This is not me in any way debating what you should do as a parent. I just think like my parents very systematically and thoughtfully gave me increasing amounts of privacy and independence and ways that I think were really effective.

And because I feel like it was more like consensual of like what of my life that I certain things that I shared with them. And granted, I knew there were non-negotiables. I knew that there were things that they had really strong stances on. I also knew like, you know, they were very clear of like if there is ever in a situation where like someone is drinking, like do not get in a car with them. We will pick you up. You will not get in trouble. Like they're always very good about stuff like that of like,

you will not get in trouble if you like end up in a shitty situation and like we bail you out. Like you will not be punished for that. That is what we want you to do. And I don't know. I just think there's like something. So like, so my brother and so his girlfriend at the time told her mom that they were having sex and then he was like oh now I have to tell

my parents and so he told my parents because my mom was an ob-gyn she gave them a gift basket plan b pregnancy test condoms insane like quite literally wild but really like all like the full the full and i was like you can't stop them yeah so you might as well equip them right i mean i feel like i'd want it to be hidden from me i'd be like if you're gonna be that blatantly disrespectful in my house be better at hiding it i think i don't know i'm definitely not going to be like the person who's like yeah you can't fuck here i'm sorry you're gonna like let them in their room no i said you can't oh yeah you are gonna be the person who's like no fucking at my house yeah it was so weird go into the woods or something i don't literally do what dad

had to do go in the wilderness yeah the day after my sister's wedding, my sister and my rooms are like in their own little part of the house. And seeing her husband back there, I was like, why are you here? I was like, get out. They've been together for 13 years. That was the first time he was back there. Oh, right. Because they always slept in separate beds until they were married.

I was like, what are you doing here? I just want my kid to ask themselves, is this person worthy? And do I want to talk to dad about this and do i want dad to talk about it on the podcast so my kids fucking uh i wouldn't do that i just mean like there might be certain i think there's like certain stuff where it's like totally like like you know conversation about boundaries but i just think like maybe because privacy is a spectrum like how how do you think you would handle if there was like a level of like detail that you wanted to engage with like i'm not talking about like the sex itself but like stuff that you wanted to know about them and their relationship with

their body that they weren't comfortable sharing like how do you feel like you would navigate that what do you mean like if you're talking to your kid you're doing the post game yeah and like you ask a question and they're like i don't want to answer i don't want any graphic you know it's going to be adult and like parental. And I'm not trying to like, but if you can do it, you can talk about it. And if you can't talk about it, maybe you're not ready for it. And at the risk of taking away my kids' privacy when they're not adults, I want my kid to understand that there are consequences for their choices. And I want to empower them to make choices for themselves.

And I want them to consider when I do this, what are the potential consequences? What are the pros? What are the cons? How am I going to feel afterwards? I don't think this is a violation of privacy at all. I just mean, I think it's a very rich and nuanced thing. What does privacy look like in terms of what kind of details? You're like, obviously, there's certain stuff I'm not going to ask for details on.

Like in terms of like what kind of like, like, you know, like you're like, obviously there's certain stuff I'm not going to ask for details on. I feel like privacy will be the very low priority for me when it comes to my kids. I have a vision of taking their doors off the hinges. Yeah, probably. I'm not going to be a helicopter parent. I want to empower my kids to make choices, but I also want to be in the know that like they might even not know we know, but we'll know. We'll always find out. Mom and dad are one step ahead of you like the mafia yeah well speaking of sex we have a a writer in her as we like to call them okay shall i read yeah all right i am a 36 year old divorced single mom

i have full custody of my four-year-old daughter so i have her 100 of the time she's the light of my life, and she keeps me very busy. I haven't dated anyone post-divorce, and I haven't had sex with anyone besides my hand or my vibrator for a few years. I have a close group of friends and family, have a great job, own my own home, and feel very fulfilled in my life except for one thing that's missing, sex. I've been divorced for about two years now. The last several years of my marriage were bad, and our sex life was for the most part non-existent. The last several years of my marriage were bad, and our sex life was for the most part non-existent. So for a long time, I feel like that part of me was dead. I went through a period where I drank too much, gained weight, and dealt with some

depression. But over the past year, I've done a lot of healing. I quit drinking a few months ago, have been consistently eating healthier and exercising again, and my sex drive has returned. The catch is, I don't want a relationship i just want sex serious question does this mean i want to be a fuck boy or do i just want to be with a fuck boy how do i go about having casual sex while still being a responsible parent what does the responsible parent have anything to do with it because she has full custody of her four-year-old daughter so she has her 100 of the time i mean i guess she could have a babysitter and like go to a hotel well you know if it's by my definition of is she a fuck boy like if she starts having emotional sex um the question is will some of these guys start catching feelings

and if she's aware of a guy who likes her more than she might like them but she continues to have sex with them because you you know, for example, a lot of people, especially women, don't like, you know, don't want to sleep around. They like the comfort of having consistent sex with one person. But if that one person is catching feelings and they communicate that

and you do the whole like, well, I'm not ready for the relationship and I just, you know, like, I'm just getting out of divorce. I'm just focusing on me right now, but we can still have sex. Then you're a fuck boy. Because she's a woman who wants to have sex with men,

then it's a little easier to find people because men, on average, are more willing to have emotionless sex, but it's not universal. So she might find someone who's just down to just fuck her out. And then as far as being a parent just go to their place or make sure your kid's not there it can't be that hard they're only four

distance it from your kids and get on the apps and i guess it's not gonna be that hard for her to get laid well there's also i was seeing this yesterday i was i was doing a little swipe swipe there's literally a thing on hinge and that's the reason i swiped left on someone is because they were saying uh that they were only looking for something short and then there was like a subtitle underneath that was like let's keep things fun and casual and i was like not what i'm looking for but for someone like her swipe right a lot of men who will comply with her request totally and i think just like yeah i something the only other thing that i could imagine is like since it is a little bit more like thought out of like kids going to grandparents house or like hiring a babysitter like being like i need to make the most of the night so i feel

like maybe just being making sure you're not putting pressure on yourself to hook up with someone you don't want to hook up with just be aware of the fact that while she you might feel this way now your feelings might change, she might not anticipate feelings, catching feelings for someone. And again, not universally, but on average, women tend to be affected differently than men when it comes to sex. There's a bonding chemical that can be released. And so she might find herself having sex with a man and feeling like she's catching feelings. So just be prepared. Again, you can be sex positive, but it doesn't mean that sex isn't powerful

and it doesn't have consequences. And so, you know, you can make these statements that I'm just looking for sex, but like, if you start doing that, be okay with checking in with yourself, asking yourself, is this still what I want? Do I still feel the same way about this situation? How am I feeling about this kind of casual sex thing

I've never done before? There's no right or wrong answer, but check in with yourself and make sure you're still feeling the same and you have the same goals. Because I think we can tend to lie to ourselves and maybe you want sex, but it's not just about just having sex. Maybe she wants sex, but also wants to avoid the stresses of a relationship or the heartbreak but at the same time she still wants the consistency of having regular sex was you know again it can be very complicated so just be prepared to check in with yourself on a regular basis once she starts going down this path especially if it's something that she hasn't really gone down before and please keep us updated yeah let us know us know. Ooh, you be fuckin'.

Alright, well, we have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send us questions at AskNickAtTheVileFiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, mediation, you know the drill. We are back with another episode of Reality Recap with the one and only Paige DeSorbo from Summer House. We'll be getting into, obviously, a lot of

Bravo stuff, a lot of pop culture, a lot of reality TV. It'll be a ton of fun talking with Paige. And, yeah, let's get to our callers. How's it going? Good. It's Sarah. I'm 24 years old, and I am about to move in with my ex-boyfriend who will not speak to me. Well, he's going to have to, don't you think? Also, what the fuck, Sarah? So I am a grad student and me and my ex-boyfriend are in the same grad program.

And part of our graduate program, you study abroad in a house of 20 people for four months. So we will be living in the same house, have the same bathroom, eat all of our meals together, go to all of our classes together, living a complete life together. Okay. All right. Who broke up with who? You seem fine. I broke up with him. Okay.

Yeah. I broke up with him. with him okay yeah yeah i broke up with him it was not the prettiest breakup by any means but i was the one who ended it how long did you guys date for we dated for a little over a year okay so certainly enough for him to have his spirits crushed i suppose but so we dated for a year he was fully believing that we were going to get married like be ready to move in together um and no okay uh why did we break up so it was a lot of reasons everything was going really well and we have about a year left to grad school and i really want to move to a certain city after school okay it is it is his least favorite city in the world

um he said that like that would be his last place he would ever want to live and so i brought up the idea i was like new york maybe i move there or no he's actually from new york really i'm trying to do you have like a least favorite city that feels like a very defining new york is just very polarizing one way or the other. Yeah. Like you love it. And some people, people just have strong opinions about it. So yeah. San Francisco.

I won't, I won't guess. Warmer, colder. Anyway. Well, that's important. That's, you know. So I brought up, maybe we do long distance. Cause I only want to go for a few years before I moved back home. And he basically said, I'll move there just because I want to make

sure you don't meet someone there in those two years and then break up with me for them. And so I was like, okay, so you don't trust me at all. And after that conversation, we tried working things out and it kind of just spiraled. And anytime I hung out with a guy friend, anytime I like smiled too much when talking to a person that wasn't him, he would complain and say, well, they make you happier than I am. So I was like, I can't like do this anymore. Okay. So it's like, like a mixture of a little bit of jealousy and just more so lack of confidence. Yes. So he always says, I think he has like really bad trust issues in relationships because he always told me he was like, well, I think my ex-girlfriend cheated on me. So he never knew for sure. And even when I broke up with him, he was like, I know you didn't cheat on me, but it kind of felt like you did because I had guy friends.

Yeah, I mean, that's his journey. I don't know that he would rather never speak to me in the four months that we are in the same room than ever see me with someone else again. And it's kind of impossible because we will be group project partners and everything. So I was wondering, is it on me to be the bigger person to find a way to make him comfortable around me? No. Or should I just say, screw it, you're on your own abroad? Listen, he's definitely not your responsibility. He's your ex, plain and simple. comfortable around me no or should i just say screw it you're on your own abroad listen i

it's he's definitely not your responsibility he's your ex plain and simple so that doesn't mean at the same time that a little grace and a little empathy thrown his way wouldn't be beneficial for everyone you know but i don't think you should also stop living your life you know i think there's a happy medium to everything he's's going to be mad one way or the other, right? It just comes down to what are your intentions? Like at some point I could see him be, you know, just annoying you, honestly, to the point where you almost want to spitefully rub something in his face because clearly he's one of those, you know, I don't know if you've ever watched Seinfeld. He's like a bad breaker upper, you know, like his, obviously his feelings

are hurt and he is saying things and, and, you know, kind of saying mean things and not necessarily doesn't sound like he's maybe called you names, but just accused you of being accused of doing something you haven't done. If you've listened to the show, you've heard me say, when you break up with someone, you got to let them think you're the bad guy. That is honestly the selfless thing to do. You don't be mean. You're just honest. And you let them hate you, you know, because sometimes they need to get angry and they need to get sad. Or I don't know which order of these emotions come for people, but he's going to have to go through it. Right. emotions come for people, but he's going to have to go through it, right? So the best thing you can do is just, as much as you can, just be respectful when you guys are in the same room. But listen, if you meet a guy and you like him and things develop, you might have to have a conversation with the new guy being like, yeah, listen, I kind of live with my ex. But at the end of the day, new guy being like, yeah, listen, you know, I kind of live with my ex. But at the end of the day,

you know, there's a happy medium between like making out and groping each other in front of anyone, including your ex and just, you know, be like, hey, well, I met a guy and focus on that relationship and take things slow. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's just a happy medium. I don't think you need to accommodate his needs. He has no right to ask you to do anything like your choice on being you know respectful and courteous is really just your choice and i think yeah go out of your way to you know not rub shit in his face but i don't think you need to meet his requests or needs and i don't think you owe him anything it's an awkward situation you. You know, it's tough, but it is what it is. Yeah, I think I feel worse for our mutual friends who are going with us

because we have like these weekend trip plans and he's basically saying like, it's you go with her, you go with me, like we can't go together anymore. And like people that go to flights, hotel rooms, like everything, so. So like, who do you, what's your gut tell you? Who's, as far as the friends go,

where do you think the loyalties lie? They were all my friends and he became friends with them when we were dating. So I know I won't be the one getting uninvited. OK, so part of me feels guilty that it could like ruin his whole trip. That's entirely up to him. Yeah, he's the one choosing to make this a bigger deal and saying weird things like you basically cheated on me for having guy friends so next i mean listen like i don't want to sound like you know he's not right for saying this but like his feelings are hurt he cared about you and like i don't want to sit

there and mock a guy with a broken heart you know we will we'll do it you can do that but if it was the other way around you know uh i could imagine let's say he broke up with you and you called in and you're like my i don't know if he was cheating on me but i just felt like he was always flirtatious let's say we heard his version or what let's say it was you but you told his version right you know he broke up with you and you were just like i don't know i've been cheated on maybe it's a paranoia of mine but like you know he was always flirting with you and you were just like i don't know i've been cheated on maybe it's a paranoia of mine but like you know he was always flirting with you know women and now we're on this trip together we would be like fuck this guy you know like i'm just saying like you know i'm glad

you're called in and i don't think you owe him anything but he he does have feelings and i don't think he's a i don't know who he is but i'm assuming he's not a bad guy you dated him for a year it sounds like you cared about him you wanted to make it work he has his flaws he has his shortcomings probably some things he needs to work on there's a justifiable reason why you ended the relationship so again i just i don't think you owe him anything i don't think you have to go out of your way to accommodate his needy needs. And I think you can be as gracious and as nice as it makes sense for you where you're not like having to go above and beyond, you know, type of thing where all of a sudden you're like, it feels like I'm your girlfriend, you know, like this is feels

like a girlfriend request, you know, like I'm going out of my way for you. I don't think you need to go out of your way, but there's a difference between going out of your way and just not rubbing in his face and trying as much as you can to not put salt on a wound. Great that you hear the loyalty of the friends are more with you because at the end of the day, yes, he is just going to have to get over it. You know, he's throwing a temper tantrum right now. I understand why.

We've all thrown temper tantrums when we've had broken hearts, man or woman. Like it's a terrible feeling to have your heart broken but other than that i just think go have fun do what you can and he'll hopefully get over it but that's entirely up to him the worst part is he says the reason why he won't speak to me is because he wants to get back together and i don't and okay so he thinks unfair that i think it's okay to be in his life when he wants to get back together and I don't. And so he thinks it's unfair that I think it's okay to be in his life when he wants to get back together. And I'm like, can you just be mad at me and not want to get back together with me like that?

Make it easier. Yeah, but like, listen, sure. But at the same time, it's not his job to make sure you're okay right now. And it's not his job to make life easier on you. Right now, he has a broken heart, and he is spiraling, and he doesn't even have the capacity to think about what would be easier for you. And the good news is, is you don't have the broken heart. You just want to move on.

You just want him to get over it, because right now, it's just a giant inconvenience to your otherwise like sounds like super fun life and super exciting thing you have planned. But like, you know, it's okay to have empathy for him and just like, listen, he's just not your problem, but you can still have grace when it makes sense and you can still be considerate and you don't have to go out of your way to be considerate and just don't respond the best thing to do the best thing to handle him is to not react to him whatever he says whatever he does you just remind yourself he's hurting i'm not and this is where it's coming from listen if he disrespects you if he calls you a name you have every right to stand up for

yourself and say you know i don't deserve to be treated that way or talk to you that way. But other than that, I would just ignore him. I would just ignore his comments about getting back together. If he doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't have to talk to you. Great. You know, honestly, best case for you. Do you think it would be best to try and reach out before, because we leave next week. What do you think?

And we live in the same town, so it's easily like, can we just talk before we go to clear the air so it's not extremely uncomfortable? I don't know. Because I don't know him. If he is in the current state of mind that you say he's in now, all that conversation to him is going to sound like just a reminder of why you don't like him. So it's like, hey, let's get together so I can remind you that I don't want to be with you. And I can remind you that I'm not interested in doing this trip or this grad class with you. Like, what would you say?

If he wants to reach out, fine. Yeah, I think I just felt really guilty like knew like it was up to me and one other person to plan all the trips and I was like I'm not texting him to invite him to these trips like it wouldn't be fair to text them to invite him but I know he knows that we're going on them so I like I think I feel like a lot of guilt that all of a sudden like the trip that we had like dreamed of going on together when we were dating and we're going to study abroad is now not going to work out for him. So I'm like, maybe I should reach out and be like, this is why I didn't invite you. Of course, we have room if you want to come.

But I just wanted to reach out before and let you know, I don't want things to be awkward between us there. Well, they're going to be awkward. I don't think if you sent a text or something, there's're there's just no perfect way so he's gonna get mad either way so like you know is it better to call like sure i don't know but he's gonna be pissed either way so like just text i'd keep it real simple and i would send a text something like yeah just like hey listen um i'm sorry for reaching out I know you don't want to speak, but I know we have this trip planned out. I just want you to know that whatever you want to include yourself in, I hope that you feel welcomed because obviously we've planned this. I know

things didn't work out between us, but I hope that this can still be an enjoyable experience for us as individuals. That's good. Yeah. Kind of keep it professional. Keep it kind. You know, and that's it. As for workouts that we can enjoy as individuals. I like that line.

Yeah. That's good. I want you to feel included and welcomed. This can still be a great experience. Also, I feel like it's totally normal to have the feelings of like anxiety and guilt especially when someone else or like when you're the one to end something and you know someone else is hurting and then there's like this inclination of like well how can i make this you know better for them and how can i make this like not be so hard of a blow and you know you even now being like how can i invite them to all these

things but also yeah i think the more you guys can each just be like, okay, we're each going to do ourselves. We're each going to have this trip as individuals. And he doesn't necessarily owe it to you to do what's comfortable. But also, you don't need to sacrifice your trip to make him feel better. I just think it's like, it might be a little awkward at the beginning. You're going to try to figure out like your routine and what this looks like for the two of you now that you're not together.

But I just think also remember that you deserve to have a great time on this trip as well, just as much as he does. I don't think she's worried about him or like you seem fine. But there's like this natural kind of guilt that you feel where you're like, oh, God, like I'm the one that ended things and now they're hurting. It's hard. Yeah, it's just like it sounds like there, like I'm the one that ended things and now they're hurting. It's hard. Yeah, sure. It's just like it sounds like there's some guilt for the other people. So I'm like. You've been broken up for five months.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So. I mean, everything I said still stands. But. You thought it was like last week.

Kind of. I thought like, you know, within the past month. No, 10 months ago. Everything I said still stands. But I definitely wouldn't feel, I'd feel less bad. And you have the right to be annoyed at this point. Yeah. If things are really bad, you guys can call in together.

From abroad. Yes. If you need a mediation call, be like, listen, I know this guy. It's a podcast. Do you want to talk about why I don't want to be with you anymore? Yeah, actually scrap the text. Bring us with you to the coffee

shop. Again, I think everything still stands, but the best thing you can do is not react to him and ask your friends who are your friends to do the same. Just don't react. Don't kind of acknowledge his stuff. And if eventually to them he says some things, if he talks some shit about you, obviously I'm assuming they would defend you, but you're not together.

You haven't been together. It's been five months. People have a right to break up and a right to move on. you but you're not together you haven't been together it's been five months like you people have a right to break up and a right to move on five months for a year relationship that's a bit long but you know i i'm not gonna sit there and knock people with a broken heart you know sometimes people have a hard time getting over people and maybe you're just wonderful you know how old is he he's 24 as well yeah i mean it's a tough age for men It's a tough age What's a tough age for anyone Having a broken heart

True It's a tough age in general I hate being 24 I think it's You know What did you say I hate being 24 Are you 24 now

Less than a month left Thank god This has been a tough year You're thriving Thanks Nick And so are you We're excited for this Sarah you are thriving

I will say It's really It's a really tough age for anyone. And sure, maybe especially men. I don't know. But I would think for anyone, when things don't go the way they had hoped and planned. You have a lot of dreams when you're in your early 20s and you're just not used to things not working out for you. And I think it's easy to have great expectations. And you just, hopefully, most of us, most of us are lucky and privileged enough to have lived a charmed life, where for the most part, our greatest disappointments are just small and inconsequential. And when shit like this happens, it can be very difficult, especially the more privileged and

comfortable our lives are when we experience great loss early in our lives to really struggle with it. And maybe that's what he's going through. Again, not really your problem. posted when you're on this trip, maybe an email if you have the time to call in, but let us know what the dynamic is like. We want to know how moody the moody ex is. We'll call him moody ex. We'll do. All right. Well, have fun. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. All you busy people out there who have been avoiding going to the doctor because, well,

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How's it going? My name's Jenny. I'm 34 and my person left to find herself in London over the next couple of months. Okay. What makes you think or say that she is your person? Yeah. Well, you know, when you get to this age, as I'm sure you know, Nick, I've dated a lot of people and been through life, right?

And gotten some scars along the way. And this particular person is someone I've known since I was 12, actually. We grew up together, went to school together, had periods of time where we weren't as connected, did our own thing. But it seems like life kept bringing us back together in certain ways. And we were living in different parts of California. About a year, year and a half ago, she ended up moving down to Southern California. And we reconnected and then just kind of hit the ground running. And it felt like, uh, it felt like this was it, you know, it felt like a sure thing, which we had both expressed. And then over the last month, things became a little tumultuous.

You know, she had a milestone birthday and it felt like, uh, felt like everything just went sideways. Okay. Um, how old is she? She just turned 35. Okay. You're only 34. And I don't know what your individual hopes and dreams are. I don't know if you want to have a family or have kids. And I understand as women, that's a little different as you get older. I get all that. Nevertheless, when you're like, oh, you know, at my age, you know, you sound like you're talking like you're 60, you know, like it's true. So I get it. You know, like I've always said, you always this is the oldest you've ever been. You've never been 34. I'm sure when you were 22, 34 felt really old.

And now you're like, fuck, I'm 34. I can't believe it. I get it. I'm 34. I can't believe it. I get it. But now's not the time to lose all perspective, you know, which is easy to do when we're hurting and we're sad and we're disappointed. Now, back to your alleged soulmate or person. Are you guys still together? No. She ended it. She ended it. Okay. She ended it five days before she left. Okay. Which was shocking.

Yeah. And I'm sorry. And that sucks. You need to stop calling her your person. That's step one. We just really have to prioritize the quality of someone wanting to be with us. And we need to prioritize the quality of someone who doesn't need to jump ship, fly across the world to find themselves. Finding themselves is just what it is, is a nicer way of saying, I feel like only worrying about myself and being selfish right now. And she said that, which I admire the honesty. And there are a lot of other things going on in her life and- Such as?

Some health scares, ending a career that had been really successful and then figuring out what her next steps are, admitting that she's had a bit of an existential crisis that she's working through with her therapist and has been honest about needing the time and space to figure out what she wants her life to look like. The thing that's getting me is that she kept insisting that she wants to be friends on the other side of this. There's still a bunch of her stuff at my house, so it's feeling like she wants to keep me tethered and I don't know how to necessarily move on. And I even floated the question to her, right?

I was like, do you feel like all this other chaos, all these other questions in your life could have bled into this and your decision-making here? And she felt like that wasn't a possibility because she's so good at compartmentalizing. Whether that's something to brag about, I don't know. But yeah, that was the answer. I don't know if she's bragging. It could just be something her people are and can be. She's also probably not in a position to answer your question. It's tough, right? When we're breaking up with someone and in her case,

she is being vulnerable with the fact that she's just like i'm not my best self right now i'm not happy i'm not secure with myself house scares can fuck up anyone certainly dramatic career changes in your 30s can you know fuck you up you know kind of with your confidence so sounds like she has a right to feel like a mess. It sounds like she's giving her most honest answer that she's capable of giving right now. What's really important for you right now is to, as hard as it is and as sad as you are, to now you have to start prioritizing yourself. I think we do this thing in relationships, especially ones that end or situationships or things like that, where one person who probably usually has the power only because maybe they're confused,

right? And like you naturally, when one person is confused about their feelings and the other person claims to be certain about their feelings, weirdly the confused person seems to have more power because the other person wants something that they claim to be sure about. And we do this thing where you feel like on your end, you are at risk, I guess, of trying to be the caretaker of the relationship. The relationship that technically as it stands now doesn't exist. But people will say things like, I want to be friends and I'm struggling and I want you to be happy. And they might even say things like, well, I don't know what the future is going to hold and who knows what could happen and maybe things will all work

out. And this is like, they're not lying per se because she probably doesn't know. She probably is uncertain of her future. And then part of you wants to hear the fact that she is maybe willing to consider a relationship with you in the future. The most honest and selfless answer she could give you might not be what you want to hear, which is, I can't possibly think about the future right now. I don't want to give you false hope. And I just need to focus on me and I'm just trying to get to tomorrow. That would be the most honest answer she could give you. When we're breaking up with someone, it's either like, we're going to be accused of being an asshole for being heartless and being kind of crass with kind of like, yeah, I don't think there's going to be a future.

Or be accused of leading someone on or saying things we don't mean. Like, I hope, you know, who knows? Like, it's kind of a no-win situation. The point is, like, it's not your job to protect this relationship that doesn't exist. It's not your job to put yourself on hold and think to yourself, well, I'm confident in myself. I know what I want i want her she's struggling right now i was doing the girls got to eat podcast we were talking about relationships

and i talked i came up i kind of coined the phrase love martyr uh and i referred to myself uh and i said when i was a 20 i was like a love martyr you know we're told love is grand and it's hard we got to make it work and you know if you have any kind of religious background like I have, like you're told that suffering is good and it's going to get you to heaven if you're a Catholic. And so you combine that with love and all of a sudden you're thinking, well, the more I make myself suffer and the more I fight for this relationship, the better I am, or the more love is, the more it's worth it. You, you become a martyr for your own love story, you know, and that's not getting you anywhere, you know? So what you need to say to her is, I'm so sorry. I'm heartbroken, but I can't be your friend because I care about you. I love you.

And even if I want to be your friend, I'm not capable of being your friend. And I don't want to disrespect what we had as lovers or whatever you want to call yourselves. And it's not because I don't want to be there for you and it's not there. I wish I could also be your friend because I really loved being your partner and your friend, but I can't separate the two. So I hope that you find yourself. I wish you all the best. And I'm going to live my life and move on. And I guess if your feelings change, call me up and hopefully we'll see, kind of take that power back by you accepting her decision and start talking about, all right, now you have a journey to go on and you don't know what the future is going to hold. And you can't make promises to her about how you're going to feel if she ever does pick up the phone and call you back.

And she will call you back. But the more unavailable you are to her, the more value you will have to her. And I think I've known that this is ultimately the answer. It's going to suck, right? But that's ultimately what needs to happen. And that's where growth happens too. And I don't know how I'm going to feel on the other side of this. So I have to give myself that allowance also.

Yeah. And listen, you got really excited. There was a lot of things to be excited about. I've known her since she was 12. Completely useless information. Who gives a shit? I don't, I'm not trying to i mean but like no what you two did at 13 has nothing to do with what your relationship was like it was a fun story

to tell when you were dating i get it like it's fun to tell people hey you know like obviously we we knew and she said it's kids and then we lost touch and we got, I get that, but now you're not together. So it's just not doing you any good by ruminating and being nostalgic about how you two met and thinking it was like some sort of kismet or serendipitous thing and you were meant to be. Yeah. It's easy to lean into that romantic notion, right? But it's so easy. And I've, yeah, we've all, we've all done that, but it just, it's not doing you any good right now. And, you know, right now to get her back and I don't want you focusing on getting her back, but to get her back is, is, is about you moving on and accepting her decision. You know, what's so crazy about like

being broken up with is because our instincts tell us the opposite. But the best thing for you as an individual is also the best thing for you two as a couple. And that is her maybe needing a kind of a reset about what you mean to her. On some level, she's taking you for granted. And listen, maybe you're just not, she's not your person and. And listen, maybe she's not your person and you're not hers. That's also a possibility. But she doesn't want to be with you. She clearly

isn't valuing what you've brought to relationship. That should matter to you. You deserve someone who is willing to go through their personal struggles and still not quit on the relationship. It sounds simple, right? It does. But there are people out there who can give that to you. And that's what I'm saying. It's like, I'm not saying you should make her feel worse about her struggles. But I do think in your mind, you need to hold her accountable for not being the partner that you deserve. At some point, you are going to have your struggles. I don't know. Like life happens at some point.

We all have health problems. I don't know when that is. And hopefully for you, not for a long time, but at some point it's going to happen. And there's a reason why, you know, regardless of what you believe or what ceremony you have,

that usually most like vows when it comes to marriage. And I don't know if that's something you two were interested in, you know, and sickness and health, you know, you know, shit like that, you know,

good times and bad. It also made me realize I don't want someone that runs when things get a little hard. Exactly. Like, like you're saying, we're both going to have struggles, ups and downs,

career wise, health wise, family wise, whatever it is. It's, you know, she tends to run away and I tend to lean in. So we have different styles there.

Well, yeah, I would say that's more than different styles. I would say that's potentially a non-negotiable about your compatibility. It could have been something you guys could work on, but that's not what she's doing. And she is getting therapy and that's not bringing you two closer together. It sounds like you had a ton of chemistry, but maybe the compatibility, which is far more important in the long run, wasn't there as much as you might've hoped. Yeah. That's just accepting that, I guess.

But this is all what I've known. I just needed to hear it back. Right. How long, how long has, how long have you been broken up for? Not even two weeks. How long did you date? Year and change, year and three months or so. Yeah, so you're just in it right now.

Whatever feeling you're feeling is valid. It sucks. I mean, I don't know. Shit, when I was in your position, I hated waking up. I went to bed exhausted from just being sad, and it was just a fucking struggle. But the best thing you can do for yourself is just not make it worse by mentally, you know, telling yourself, I lost my person, but I don't understand. We've known each other since we were 12. What is she doing?

She doesn't she realize how great we have it. We do these things and we just don't want to accept that maybe we were wrong about how compatible we were. And the more you can just try to just allow yourself to be sad or be angry or feel whatever you want to feel, it's totally valid. But accept her decision and her words at face value. Don't try to understand them. Don't try to dissect them. And if she does communicate with you, you need to start communicating and enforcing whatever boundaries you want to set for yourself in this new relationship,

the relationship being that you're no longer partners and you're not friends. Most people in your shoes would let them be the driver. Oh, if they want to be friends with me, then I'll be friends with them. Or if they want to hang out with me, then I'll hang out with them. Again, they have all the power. So decide for yourself what boundaries and expectations you have of this relationship, what lines you want to draw. And I'm hoping it's not be friends and let her, you know, wish her the best and just say, Hey, I love you. I care about you. I hope you find what you're looking for. If you ever want to reconsider being a partner, obviously as it stands now, I want to be with you. But right now I'm focusing on moving on

because that's what I need to do. And all my energy is going to go towards moving on. And if things change for you, let me know. And I hope I still feel the same, but I don't know. Yeah, I think that's the answer I've known. I just haven't scared to do it, but I know that's the right thing. Yeah, it's tough. You're in a tough situation. It's tough. Yeah.

Give yourself time. Just allow yourself to grieve. Yeah. Day by day. It's only been two weeks. If in three or four months, you're still in this state of mind, you're doing something wrong. But right now it's so early and so raw. Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, I'm in therapy too and you know i've just been trying to work on myself and just read a lot reading your book reading other reading atomic habits doing a lot so you know doing what i can in this time to become better it's so early so just also just allow yourself to be sad it's okay you know like there's no yeah like i'm glad you're doing

the work and thank you for reading my book and i'm glad you're investing know, like there's no, like, I'm glad you're doing the work and thank you for reading my book and I'm glad you're investing yourself, but like there, it is also okay this early to just have a bad day. You know, it's okay to relapse, but you just have to police yourself, you know, give yourself a day and then just be like, you know what, fake it to your, make it things like that. When you get out there, you know, and it feels like uncomfy or just like too early, take a break for a week or something. You know what I'm saying? Like, take it easy on yourself. Don't try to force it. After a few months. Yeah. But like, it's only been two weeks. And yeah, I think you're going to be, I think you're going to be okay. It's just really raw

right now. Yeah, I think so too. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for the words of wisdom. That's what I needed to hear. So I appreciate it. Best of luck. I'm sorry you're hurting and going through it, but the best thing you can do is to stop telling yourself that she was your person. Yep. Get that narrative out of my head. Yeah. You're only 34, you know, and only takes one. You're only looking for one. And I understand that maybe 22 year old, you would have preferred to find your person at 28 or 29, but whenever you find that person, make sure it's the right one. And if you find that, that actual person who you really have several points of compatibility with, you will always think it

was worth the wait. It might not be what you expected or wanted, but you will always think whenever you find that person, it was worth the wait. So just focus on that. It doesn't do yourself any good to, I'm 34, you know, and I can't believe this has happened to me. And I've had, oh my God, another failed relationship, you know, get in get in line you know we've kind of welcome to our club um but yeah perspective yeah all right well thank you appreciate it you too all right take care all right bye-bye helix sleep god it's just like every time i get to talk to you about helix sleep i just get I get emotional. It's just a real personal just endeavor for me. It's the best mattress I've ever slept on. I stand by it. I will always sleep on a Helix mattress for the rest of my life. I have now hate sleeping in hotels. I hate leaving

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That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code V-I-A-L-L. We only have one body, one skin, and you can choose to make it better. Age healthily with OneSkin. How's it going? Hi, I'm Steven, 44 years old. And I'm Julie, and I'm 45 years old. And I'm here to get help on ending potentially a six-year long-distance situationship. All right. So you two are in this long-distance situationship. All right.

So you two are in this long-distance situationship. Yes. Okay. Wow. This is my dream call. This is surely... What a gift. All right.

So how do I want to start this? A lot of pressure. Yeah, right? This is what you've been asking for. This is what I've been asking for. And now you're not ready for it. I know. Who wants... Is it mutual in terms of wanting to end it? This is what you've been asking for for months and now you're not ready for it. I know. Why?

Who wants it? Is it mutual in terms of wanting to end it? Why is it a situationship? I would say it's a situationship because nothing's been defined as more than friends or friends with benefits, which I do not want to be. But unfortunately, that's kind of where I've been for a while. Okay. I'm the hopeful one in this relationship friendship situation ship um and steven and i've been friends for a very long time uh since high school uh so this goes back quite a while considering we're 44 and 45.

so we just need help i don't necessarily think it's wanting to end a friendship more than it's wanting to end a situation ship. Sure. Well, that was going to be my next question. Who's the hopeful one? So we've identified that. Julie, I'm assuming, how have you tried to turn this situation ship into a relationship? Despite it being long distance, you've wanted to do that, right? Yes. Okay. Multiple conversations, visiting one another, just, you know, many text messages along the way, lots of tears, trying to buy my way through but um not successful okay he is not giving

in to my wants uh steven what the fuck i'm just kidding um you're here right so it's not easy to get two people in a situationship on a call like this because there is a hopeful person and there's another person who's just like, I don't want to be the bad guy. But you're here. You clearly care about her. But I am curious, as much as I'm happy that you were willing to join this call, why were you willing to jump on this call? I'm sure Julie, being the hopeful person, I'm going to go ahead and guess that she has a lot of hope that this call will make it go one way or the other. What are you hoping to get out of this call? We've talked about and I think joked about being on some kind of podcast radio show about a situation shift.

We've kind of joked about it when she learned about the phrase a long time ago. We've always had a great friendship all this time. What are you looking at? What's your relationship history, Stephen? Have you been single your whole life? Are you divorced? Do you have kids? You guys are in your 40s are in your forties. Twice divorced. I got kids. I was in the military, so I moved a lot. I've lived all across the country. She's been well aware of that. She also knows I don't like long distance relationships basically because of the military and I was always just moving. So it was hard to settle down and have a solid relationship. So I just never could commit to having a relationship with her

being so far away and never knowing when I'm going to pick up and move again. And are you still in the military? No, I'm out now. Okay. So your requirement to move most likely not as volatile or do you still have a career where you might have to pick up and move again? It's very slim to none now. Okay. I'm needing to move. How far apart are you to?

Four hours. Drive or applying? Drive. Okay. Not that far. Steven, what do you get out of this friendship, this situationship? Why are you invested in this relationship? So we have a very close relationship. We talk about our kids, our families, our professional lives, what we deal with in our professional lives. So we bounce things off each other.

And then we also have the sexual side of relationship, either physical or through phone calls, video calls. Okay. That sounds like a fun relationship. What would you be giving up by saying to yourself, you know what? Fuck it. Let's just go ahead. Let's just let's try it out. I've been watching this preview of this movie for years.

I never really pressed play on this movie. I really don't know if I'm going to like it. I don't know if it's going to it out. I've been watching this preview of this movie for years. I never really pressed play on this movie. I really don't know if I'm going to like it. I don't know if it's going to work out. I might press play and, you know, not really like the movie, but I'm going to press play. I'm going to start it. I'm going to watch it. I'm going to get in this relationship. What would you be giving up?

What would you be sacrificing if you just said, fuck it? Let's just try. It's not ideal. It's not exactly what I wished for myself, but I do care about this person. So I'm going to try. I really wouldn't be sacrificing anything really. It's just being alone. What do you mean being alone? So because of distance, I could easily go out and do whatever and you know committed to one relationship uh it's harder to do a long distance a lot easier to do when that person is in the same town what's uh do you know what your love language is steven

probably say physical touch okay maybe also even quality time because it sounds like to me actually what you would be giving up is the freedom to have quality time with someone um at any point and the consistency of that quality time and physical touch whenever you might need and the flexibility of going on the dating apps when Julie is four hours away. And are you also, are you on the dating apps? Not now, no. No. How often are you going on dates? You know, when Julie's out of town, you know, and she's at home and you're at home and she can't, or, you know, you can't drive there or

she can drive there and you're feeling lonely, and you want to go out, and you want some companionship, how often are you taking advantage of that independence and freedom that you currently have? That would probably, when I was doing it, easily three, four times a week. When you were doing that? When was that? Probably like last year. Okay, sure. When did that stop? Beginning of this year when I started seeing someone.

But not Julie? Correct. Are you still seeing her now? Correct. Oh, you are? Yes. So you're in a relationship with someone else? Yes.

Does she know about Julie? Not to this extent no okay she does well when i first started talking i did say i do have a female friend that's very close with that i've talked through through many years but uh not to the extent it is actually well like that you're having sex with her. Correct. Alright. I appreciate your honesty. I know it's not super easy.

I guess, Julia, I'll kick it back to you. You are hopeful to be in a relationship with someone, and I'm just going to be direct here, who is actively not being honest with someone they are in a relationship with. Yes, correct. And I guess, Stephen, what the fuck?

Pick one. Why are you in a relationship with this person? You guys called in, you're in this situation. I didn't know anything. And usually, when someone's in a situation ship being used to even not the hopeful person, the general overall theme is, you know, listen, relationships take work. And as you kind of alluded to indirectly, listen, I don't want to give up the freedom I have to go out and date and meet other people, but you are in a relationship and relationships take work.

So, but what made you be in the relationship that you're in now? Is it just because she's local? So this has been an ongoing thing for what? Past six years or longer. I'd be in a relationship. We wouldn't, uh, Julie and I wouldn't talk. And then after it ends, we would talk again and then I would get into another relationship and Julie and I would stop talking.

So it's just kind of a back and forth game. It's been like that for years. Sure. So I guess now that you've been dating this person, have you had sex? With this person? No. Or with Julie.

With Julie. You haven't? Okay. No. So you haven't physically cheated. You've only been emotionally cheating on your girlfriend. Correct? Okay. No. So you haven't physically cheated? You've only been emotionally cheating on your girlfriend? Right. Okay. Until?

Until what? Julie, step in. Please, share. Until this weekend. So you're planning on seeing each other this weekend? I think the expectation is Stephen's coming into town this weekend not for the purpose of seeing me, but we'll be local.

And the expectation is that we will see one another. And I'm certain that there will be some amazing sex. Why, Julie? Why would it be amazing sex? Or why would I be willing to meet with them? No, the latter. Why would you be willing to meet with and have sex with someone who's in a relationship? I don't know.

I struggle with that because it is not the right thing to do. And I would not want to be that other woman on the other end of that. However, having history and the connection that Stephen and I do have, it makes that opportunity to turn it down difficult to do. Always has. Sure. Definitely understand that it's difficult, but you are disrespecting the relationship you two have, let alone the relationship he has, but just yourself. And just, you know, earmuffsuffs steven you having sex with him this weekend isn't gonna get him to choose you and it's not i know yeah it hasn't worked before yeah my guess is just gonna go out on a limb that in the past six years steven's most likely called

the shots if you've heard me talk about situationships, most likely you have hung out with Steven at his convenience. You know, I'm sure, Steven, you've tried to be empathetic and I'm sure you care about Julie, but at the end of the day, she's giving you most of the power in this relationship and we're all human beings. And when people give us power, we tend not to give it back. We tend to hold onto it, you know, because life's a little easier when we get to call the shots. And when we can, when we can say I'm busy, I have other priorities. I have other things going on. I can't meet your emotional or physical needs or whatever. And you have no fear that she's going to go anywhere. And so you can tell her no at any

point. And why would you give that up? It's really kind of on you at this point, Julie, to set and enforce your boundaries, you know, because the only thing that's going to get Stephen to come around on you is to realize he can't have you in his life anymore. But you clearly bring value to each other's lives. Stephen's not appreciating the value you bring to his life. And you haven't given him a reason to appreciate it. It's just there. I wouldn't appreciate something that was just always there and cost me nothing.

So I just, I don't see the upside of allowing Stephen to come over and have sex with you and then go back to his girlfriend. Also, back to you, Steven, why don't you break up with your girlfriend before you plan on doing this, potentially? Because like what you said, there's that control. Why would you give that up? Typically, every conversation that Julie and I have had uh it always leads to sex in some form or fashion either we're joking or just serious about it sure uh it's it's just always been that way but don't you care about your i guess your character i mean i mean yeah

i wouldn't give up power but like you're even considering having sex with Julia this weekend. Like, why are you in this other relationship, which takes, I'm assuming, a lot of work and energy. You know, why not just be in a situationship with the other girl? Yeah, you have the power. And as a human being, I get not giving that up. But also, like, I don't know if your character matters to you, but I assume it does. How does this benefit your character? So it doesn't. Okay.

So because of this character flaw, you can say, I actually checked myself into the VA hospital years ago. Okay. Because of this character flaw, I've lost a marriage and kids. Okay. And it led me to a dark hole to where something I couldn't shake because I always pulled to that. If it wasn't with Julie, it was with someone else.

And so it's just this character issue that I've always dealt with. But I've also almost at the same time, well, I wouldn't say I always gotten away with it because I have gotten caught. Yeah. Like, what did they do at the VA? I mean, did you get therapy or yeah I saw therapists for a full year to therapist for a full year and how that worked out for you it helped out it helped out quite a bit and then you stopped or well I stopped going just to the to the therapist uh obviously i haven't stopped that character flaw

yeah i stopped there get eaten up by it yeah but why'd you stop therapy i had moved from one part of the country to the other and uh i really didn't need the medication anymore and i had just a lot of things that had uh improved and got better to where i didn't need the medication anymore. And I had just a lot of things that had improved and gotten better to where I didn't need to. Well, I mean, I guess I don't have the full scope as to what you're speaking to, but we're talking about your ability to not be unfaithful and loyal to the people that you claim to be loyal to. And again, I don't know what medication or I don't know anything about that, but that flaw that we're speaking of, it sounds like, as you've claimed, still exists. I feel like, just in my

humble opinion, the people who get the most value out of therapy are the people who treat it like the same as people who prioritize their physical fitness and consistently go to the gym or work out. And so to me, the people who get the most benefit out of therapy are the ones who treat it like maintenance, that stick with it. They don't treat it like a diet, they treat it like a life choice. So this problem that you refer to as a problem, this thing you have, chances are you're 40 some years old and it ain't going away. thing you have, chances are, you know, you're 40 some years old and it ain't going away. You know, so you have to decide to yourself, do I want to be this person or not? And maybe not being this person is sticking with therapy. And it really just comes down to like,

what kind of person do you want to be? And it sounds like you, Steven, have just like, as a four-year-old been like, yeah, this is who I am. Unfortunately, this who you are, this one trait is something that I'm assuming not only hurts people around you, but hurts yourself on some level. I mean, you don't seem like a sociopath. So I'm assuming hurting other people you care about hurts your feelings, right? Correct. Yes. So what do you want to do about it? So Julie and I and i did talk what a month or two ago and it was okay this is it done yeah what happened and i and i believe i stated that done well there was the the either some form of contact through text message or email in hopes that I would see it and respond.

We typically contact each other on National Best Friends Day. I think that's when it came out, Julie, to where, but there was a line drawn to say, hey, that's it. And yet she still came back to say, I miss you. I still love you. I will always love you. And now we're back to, hey, I'm driving up there this weekend. Here we go. Well, neither of you respect yourselves or each other as much as you claim. Julie, I don't think you're respecting yourself by ignoring a boundary you've tried to

set by saying no to Steven. Steven, you're not respecting Julie or yourself by putting this on her. Being like, oh, well, she reached out to me on National Best Friends Day. Well, what am I supposed to do about it? She's the one who said she didn't want to be in a relationship. I guess she just loves my dick. You can help other people enforce their boundaries. And you're not best friends. Newsflash to both of you. You're just not. You care about each other.

I knew you were going to say that. I hope. Yeah. You're just lying to yourselves about what this is. And you're torturing yourselves. And that's more for you, Julie, because you truly are torturing yourself. You're accepting low character accepting his low character choices and they're becoming your low character choices. And you are an adult woman. And despite your feelings for Steven, you are letting him define you as a person.

and you are capable for making choices for yourself. He is not making you do anything. I don't care how great his dick is. He is not putting a spell over you. I don't know. I promise you. I promise you. No, I agree. And I think, like Stephen was saying, where we had the conversation of,

hey, this is it. No more. After a bit of ghosting after he blocked me on, you know, various social media platforms. And I thought that I would try a different Avenue. So I emailed him and then I emailed him from a separate email address that probably wasn't blocked that I have because I have a few emails running out of them now because he keeps blocking them over time. But just trying to keep that connection because I don't want to lose him as a friend because we've shared so much.

There's so much history. And so I know that I struggle walking away and I know that he knows I struggle with that. Well, I mean, I will say him blocking you. I mean, I don't know what Steven's intentions are, but I'd like to think that that's him actually trying to respect your boundary. And listen, is this people, friendships end, relationships end, that is a part of it and we love to like convince ourselves that oh we need to stick in it because we have so much history but you're not the only one who's had to get over someone and had to let go of long history people are in marriages and things like that it's not fair and it's it. And I empathize with you. Your history with Steven, I guess it's just my opinion, isn't more important than you protecting

your character. You're a beautiful person. You look like you have a lot to offer anyone who wants to be in a relationship with you. And you are giving it all to him because of history? and you are giving it all to him because of history? Because what's that? Let's say you ignore all my advice, which honestly wouldn't shock me. But let's say you ignore my advice. You guys have a, you fuck all weekend.

He cheats on his girlfriend with you. I'm assuming the person of your dreams isn't someone who would want to cheat on their partner. I'm assuming the person of your dreams isn't someone who would want to cheat on their partner. I'm assuming the person of your dreams isn't someone who can, you know, good for you, Stephen, for acknowledging it, but like has this kind of flaw that he really needs to work on that, you know, and good for you, Stephen, for acknowledging it, good for you for having tried to work on it in the past, but you have stopped working on it. And you have given up on working on it right now. And if you want my unexpert and humbled opinion, even if Steven was willing to

be your boyfriend right now, Julie, I don't think Steven's in a position to be the boyfriend that you deserve right now. It sounds like Steven has a lot of work to do it himself. And I personally don't think Steven should be with anyone right now, because right now he's not capable by his own admission of being faithful and being upfront. He's got these demons he needs to work on. I promise you a relationship with Stephen right now would bring you a lot of heartache and pain and confusion and frustration and sadness. And I don't know what you want out of a relationship, but I'm assuming it's not those feelings. If you cared about, and I'm sorry, Julie, I hope you're not mad at me for saying this, but if you really cared about Julie Steven, you would enforce the boundaries she claims to want to set for herself. You would

just stop talking to her. You would actually cut her off. And if you cared about yourself, you would probably break up with your now girlfriend as well and really invest in fixing this thing. You are capable of being the person I hope that you want to be. You're not prioritizing it right now. And until you do, you're just not going to change. And then Julie, again, you clearly, i think you're a wonderful person but you have some toxic traits and you have some self-destructive traits and it sounds like you have some work to do on yourself but right now this is just a mess and not only are you hurting each other you're hurting other people there's just nothing good going on here and it's just some occasional sex and clearly you know you're not even you're refusing to see other

people julie why if you're in a situationship you're not in a relationship and so you're single and taking yourself off the market in the history of situationships has never worked ever you have literally no downside to just seeing what else is out there other than your own stubbornness and your stubbornness hasn't gotten him to be in a relationship with you no what's the definition of insanity i do think that that is stubbornness um maybe some uh you know trauma in the past that kind of prevents me from wanting to branch out, meet other people. Sure. But, you know, do you want to be happy? Yes.

You're not doing things to bring you happiness. And Steven isn't making you happy. He's a sugar fix. You're addicted to each other. It's not healthy. It's not bringing you joy. It's not bringing you any sense of happiness. It is just bringing you a momentary fix. And I think some of the trauma that I've experienced from this situationship being the hopeful one also deters me from looking for someone else because I don't want to go through those same things with someone else. Such as? That can be challenging. Such as?

Such as the trauma? Well, I mean, don't divulge anything you're not comfortable with. But when you say what's stopping you from, like, what do you mean? I guess to me, nothing sounds more torturous and painful than what you're putting through yourself right now. So I'm having a hard time understanding why a coffee date might be worse than what you're experiencing in this moment. Well, I don't necessarily think a coffee date is worse than what I'm experiencing in this moment. But I think the fear that the same thing's going to happen, and now it's going to happen with someone else. So then it's that repeat pattern.

What's the difference between having multiple situationships or one situationship? What's the difference? Because I don't want to have sex with a bunch of people. I'm not interested in that. That's not me. Okay. That's fair. I'm 45 years old and I've had sex with five men in my life. So that's a pretty small number of people. And, and that matters to you because why? I don't know. I think it just is just who I am. I'm just not,

you know, I've gone through some childhood sexual trauma, so that can be part of it. I understood. And I guess I get that, but I guess like, you know, and I don't know if it's like a religious background,

but like whether you have slept with five or six people or, you know, um, a hundred or a hundred. Yeah. I mean, like it doesn't make it cause you're, you're implying that,

you know, you say that that's not who I am. Right. But is who you are someone who would have sex with someone who's in a relationship? It is who I am today. yes. But not typically, no. And who do you want to be? I don't want to be someone that is the other woman. Okay. I don't want to be the other woman either way.

And what's more important to you, not being the other woman or possibly having a sixth or seventh sexual partner if if that is something that you want and feel comfortable with choosing to do i'm not sure you know i i'm sorry you've experienced whatever trauma or pain in your in your life but I just don't want you to use it as an excuse for why you're making these decisions not to be happy. Like, you know the difference between right and wrong. Correct. And listen, life's full of tough choices. And you have some tough choices to make.

And listen, Stephen, you see the pain she's going through. It makes her sad. She cares about you. I just think until you are capable of giving what she wants and deserves in a relationship and that's to anyone, I just hope both of you, but at least one of you enforces this boundary. You know, I hope one of you shows enough love for yourselves as individuals and for each other by saying no to this boundary. I hope one of you shows enough love for yourselves as individuals and for each other by saying no to this weekend. Nothing good's going to come of it. It's just not.

Masturbate. Just get over with. Can we do that together? No, you can't. Okay. But listen, what you're experiencing now is understandable, but I'm guessing you're, listen, you're probably experiencing a lot of loneliness. You have refused to put yourself out there. You have refused to go on a date. You've cut yourself off from the world. You've given all your emotional attention to a guy who doesn't deserve it.

And that is on you julie you know and so the good news is is so much of the pain that you're feeling is is solvable you know there's there's a little you're not doing anything to help yourself you're in this kind of like loving to hurt so good as i call it i've been there you know it's like all you're really used to is the pain, and you've weirdly just become comfortable with it. Pain is like a feeling you're familiar with. At least it's feeling something, because the only thing that the brain hurts more than pain is boredom.

And it's certainly not boring, but it is causing you pain. So you're just going to have to one day, Julie, wake up and look in the mirror and say, I'm tired of feeling pain. I'm tired of feeling sad. I want to feel happy. What do I have to do? And it's going to take some courage to be happy. Are you currently in therapy? Did you mention that you were? Are you not? Yes? No? I have been previously, but no, I'm not currently. Well, everything I said to Steven applies to you, you know, like our demons don't just like go away in six or seven months. And so you have to be committed to sticking with helping yourself. You know, good for you for going to therapy when you went, but it sounds like you need to get back in there. I also think, Julie, it could be really helpful to be in therapy when you decide to open yourself

back up to dating, to meeting other people. I think it is extremely triggering and hard to go on dates with people to think about getting physical with people that you don't know, because it's hard when you have someone like Steven, who you've known for a really long time and you trust him and you're you know that he won't do things to you that have unfortunately been done to you in the past. But that doesn't mean that those there's not other people out there that could not only make you feel safe and make you feel cherished, but commit to you and give you the love and, you know, validation and commitment that you deserve, and give you the love and validation and commitment that you deserve, who live in your town, who are able to just prioritize you.

And I would hate for you to, again, just because of the level of comfort and the level of safety you feel with him, subject yourself to doing something this weekend that you're really, really going to regret. And like Nick said, you're going to have to live with and bring up to someone else when you do find an amazing person who gives you everything that you want and deserve. And so I just think maybe taking a step back, really evaluating that. And like Nick said, what's your priority right now? Is it going to be working on yourself, figuring out your triggers, being able to find someone? Or is it just going to be, okay, well, this is all I get. This is all I will ever have is just this partial part of Steven's life. No, I think that's good advice.

It's, you know, it pinpoints some of the, you know, issues that I'm dealing with on being, you know, completely comfortable with Steven as I am, whether that be in or out of the bedroom. whether that be in or out of the bedroom. And, you know, potentially there is someone out there that can fill in the gaps that I'm missing today. But I'm scared of that. It's scary. Yeah, it is scary. It makes sense. But kind of to Allie's point, you know, it's scary.

But, you know, as someone who's had limited sexual partners in your life, so clearly you have no problem with taking things slow, you know, you prioritize taking things slow and getting comfortable with someone, so you're used to that, so that's great, and, you know, some people are just like, oh, I didn't meet someone I want to fuck, you know, so you don't have to deal with that, wanting to take slow, and at this point in your life, like, well, it might, you know, you might run into a lot of men who don't want to take things slow you know hopefully you know that's something and hopefully that's something you're comfortable with enforcing that boundary also it could be something you work with on a therapist but my point is you can go out you could have that coffee date

you can take things slow with the guy you can build up to that comfort level it might require you to say no to some sex for a period of time, but you've been abstaining from sex every to not make choices that you know are better for you. Because having sex with Steven this weekend, whatever trauma you've experienced, that's not why you're doing it. And it is scary to go out there and meet other people. But you met Steven. You've met other people. You clearly are capable of meeting people. And you just might have to take things slow. Again, I honestly think both of you right now are not

capable of being the partners that you know you can be and want to be and deserve to be to someone else. And maybe you both just need to take a step back a couple months, maybe six months, really focus on working on yourselves, making healthy choices, you know, especially you, Julie, you know, every choice that you make when it comes to relationships, ask yourself, what is this accomplishing? Is this something to do? Is this toxic stimulation? Is it keep me entertained? Is it like making me just feel less bored? keep me entertained? Is it like making me just feel less bored? You know, is it validating my ego? You know, or is it make, or could it make me happy? You're not incapable of making tough choices that are good for yourself. And I think you just have to hold yourself to a higher standard. Okay.

So what do you, what do, what do we think we're going to do, Julie? I don't know. It's tough to set those boundaries. It's tough to set those boundaries with Steven. I will say it is very, very tough. So you're giving him too much support in that will, um, you know, and yes, giving him the power. I want him to have that control, um, in some aspects, but not the power. I want him to have that control in some aspects, but not all aspects because I like to be in control too. Listen, I get that, but that should be something that you do in a relationship where you have trust. Very dangerous to give someone power and control when you don't have trust. And you don't have trust with Steven.

when you don't have trust and you don't have trust with Stephen. I understand, Julie, that if you today get off the phone with me and truly start enforcing that boundary and Stephen helps you by not responding to you and helps you enforce that boundary, tomorrow's not going to be the happiest day of your life. I get that. It'll be probably sad and there'll be tears and you're just going to have to go through that. You're going to detox you know again you back to the whole like drug you're you're gonna go through withdrawals it'll it'll be painful it'll be more painful than it is now but all you have felt is pain when it comes to this guy sorry for talking about you to your face steven um it's just there's been no joy there's been no happiness just quick fixes and this weekend will be no different and in fact it'll be worse you'll you'll you will regret it if you do it i hope that you're the type of person who will regret it i'm banking on the fact that despite

these choices you've both made that you're not bad people, that you're just imperfect people with flaws. But our choices matter. They impact ourselves and the people around us. It's not fate or destiny that brought you together. These are choices you have both made. And our choices that we make are not guaranteed to work out people make bad choices and sometimes they get old and they look back and be like I fucked up my life people regret their lives

it happens all the time because of their choices because you can't go back in time I'm sorry you're going through this me too but it is it's more time. I'm sorry you're going through this. Thanks. Me too. But it is it's more your fault at this point than it is

Stephen, is it relates to you. You know, he's not your partner. He's not responsible for your choices. He has his own demons to work on. You know. And again, Steven, I think I don't think you should go because I think she's going to have a hard time saying no to you this weekend. And if you care about her.

I think you should not go. I think you should cut her off. I think you should get off this call and block her. I do. Don't do that. I know. Listen, you're going to feel. No, and I don't, I think having a conversation and saying, Hey, this is, you know, where it has to stop or this is where it has to end. You've had that conversation, Julie. I think just hanging up this call and, you know, not having any further communication would be

very challenging. And I know that would be difficult for me, maybe not so much for him. No, it would be difficult when that someone I've shared so much of my life with and someone that I talk to on a regular basis to just cut it off, cool turkey, like that's not easy to do. I totally get it. It would be totally hard. it would be totally hard it would be also it would be painful it might be the most painful thing you experience in the short term i i like i agree but it still would be the best thing for you in the long run because it is going to be painful it's going to be scary it's going to be maybe the hardest thing you've ever done in your life but it will be for the best because right now you know that pain in the short term might be a 10 or

11 or whatever out of 10 but right now you you know, that pain in the short term might be a 10 or 11 or whatever out of 10. But right now you're just like comfortable with feeling like if in a scale of one to 10, 10 being the most painful, you're just being comfortable with constantly feeling like a seven. And you're thinking, well, seven's not as bad as a 10. And if he cuts me off, I'm going to feel like a 10. But the only way you're going to get to a two or a one where you should be when it comes to like feeling pain over joy, you know, joy being zero in this analogy, the only way to get there is to go through, to get to that 10 and allow yourself to grieve and get through it and work through the therapist and reach out to your healthy support system, whoever

that is, that's the only way. It is the only way you're going to be happy. You're not going to be happy by Steven giving what you think you want, which is a relationship with him right now. He's not loving himself adequately. He's not loving his current partner adequately. He's not capable of making you happy. Just because you get able to talk about your bad days with him, it still brings you pain. There's plenty of people who will listen to your bad days

who won't bring you pain. Thanks for that all right i could go on and on but i'd just be saying the same thing in different ways but i wish you nothing but the best i really hope uh julie that you will update us on your progress we're happy to check in on you. I'd love to see this through with you. We're here to help, but it's going to come down to your willingness to decide to be happy. Stephen, I hope you don't go see her this weekend. I really want to thank you both. I know this isn't easy. It's a very vulnerable conversation. Obviously, I've been pretty honest and direct, It's a very vulnerable conversation. Obviously, I've been pretty honest and direct.

But, you know, hopefully this will not only bring you two happiness, but other people, I'm sure, are experiencing similar situations. But listen, just I want the best for both of you. And your life's too goddamn short to be doing what you guys are doing to yourselves. It's just not worth it, man. Like, it's just not. I know. We're wasting time. But yeah yeah but not your time as a couple julie you're wasting your life julie and steven's wasting his and you're hurting people

along the way most importantly you're hurting yourselves listen this is not going to be easy julie but i don't know it sounds like your life right now is pretty fucking tough but I don't know. It sounds like your life right now is pretty fucking tough and constantly filled with sadness and confusion and pain. The only, your only problem is you're just so goddamn used to your current pain that anything different. It's the norm.

Yeah. Well, choice is yours. You're, you're not as incapable as you're acting. You're not as helpless as you're acting. And you called, you reached out,

you know, you, I'm guessing you didn't think I was going to give you different advice. Nope. So pat yourself on the back for having guts to do that pat yourself on the back for when you do stand up for yourself when you make good character choices when you prioritize your own happiness

when you say no to Steven that's when you should pat yourself on the back but you're capable of doing it stop acting like you can't or that you're helpless or that he's so magical no he's so magical. No, he is causing you pain.

Okay. All right. Well, again, thank you for taking the time. I know it wasn't easy. Thank you to the both of you. I hope, honestly, to hear from the both of you about your progress. I hope next time I talk to each of you as individuals, I never want to talk to you two together again. Unless it's, you know, two years from now and you've both been through some traumatic therapy and you're like engaged.

But short of that, you know. And we shouldn't keep that in mind. That should not be the goal. And that's not the goal. But, you know, your goal as individuals is to be happy your goal as an individual is to is to be able to say the people i surround myself with i bring them happiness too more than i bring them pain neither of that is true for either of you right now all right well good luck thank you again for taking the time.

Let us know what you do. Regardless if you see each other this weekend, please keep us updated. I hope that you don't, but we will work with you either way. Okay. Thank you. Choice is yours. I will be happy this weekend either way, no matter what you do. Okay, good. no matter what you do. Okay, good. But I want you to be happy too,

come Monday. All right? Take care. All right. Truly take care of yourselves. And thank you for reaching out. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com.

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