The Viall Files - E634 Ask Nick - My Cousin Is Hitting on Me

Episode Date: September 5, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss Birthday Party themes, what we love about Ali, and 5-year plans. We also read a submission from someone who can’t get past icks. Is it possible to move on from an ick? And what are icks, really? We then get to our callers.  Our first caller’s cousin has been hitting on her. Since becoming estranged from their family, he’s been messaging her on Facebook that he’s always been attracted to her and thinks they should date. However, recently he’s been making amends, and has been invited to a family wedding. She’s anxious to see him and unsure how to interact in person. Our second caller is considering getting back together with her ex. They dated for 3 years, and broke up 5 years ago, and is wondering if he’s changed enough to be able to start again but make it work this time. Our final caller is wondering how to stop being the girl before the girlfriend. She has fallen into a pattern where the men she’s in situationships with immediately jump into relationships right after her. She’s not sure whether it’s the men she’s choosing to invest in, or if she herself is just not ready for a relationship.  “You don’t fall into a situationship. You accept a situationship.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Better Help - Visit http://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Caraway - Go to http://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL for the limited time offer of 10% off your next purchase. Rakuten - Start shopping at http://www.Rakuten.com or get the Rakuten app to start saving.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of aliie and Amanda. Ladies, how's it going? Thriving. Yes. Amazing. Thriving, bopping, vibing. What's going on? What's new?

One of the reasons I feel like I am riding a high is because I made it back in time to attend Allie's birthday. Yeah, she did. And that was a must for me when I was figuring out travel plans. And I feel like it was so fun to see you. How was like, you did a killer party. You did a killer. It was so fun to see you how was like you did a killer party you did a killer so fun to see it was i missed you you did a killer party i feel like i i want you to showcase the theme a little bit because it was very well executed thank you thank you very much um it was parent trap themed birthday party uh as meredith blake was, I was turning 26. I thought it would be fun. We had a lot of great decor.

People came as Chessie, the butler. Diego and Igor came as the twins. Love that. They had red wigs. No, it was really, really fun. It was tasteful. You had stickers, Camp Walden stickers people could put on their hats. It was a very, I think it was the perfect amount of theme. Because you know with like birthday parties, that's like that fine line of like

it's fun sometimes when you have a theme and it can be a really good like level up for a party but then sometimes it's like okay mate it's not Halloween you know what I mean how do you feel about theme birthday parties Nick next like I drank a water I'm not a party planner you know I celebrate

them I encourage I you know I don't I don't care for me but yeah Ali's party was great thanks it was epic I don't know if I you know I don't I don't care for me but you know Ali's party was great thanks it was epic I don't know if I'm like been a theme guy

for a party but that's just me it's just a personal choice that's fine I feel like you need a theme a theme is what what brings it all together yeah

a bit of guidance yeah something I feel so strongly about is that this is OK. If you do not do this, I cannot recommend it enough. You need to integrate it into your birthday habits. When you're at a birthday dinner, be the person who's like, let's all go around the table and say something we like about a person.

I swear to God, there are so few other occasions where people actually do it. And it is one of the most like I have seen people like melt because like and i do it even when i'm not the closest friend i'm the one who initiates it she did she initiated it saturday night as we were eating taco bell so i am springing it on us and i think we should go around the table and honor her valley's birthday and say something i don't think we need to do this we did it on saturday and the birthday person might resist they might resist and you can't you can't like if it's a huge party i get it like maybe people genuinely don't want to be the center of attention but if there's under like 15 people no excuse not

under 15 in my opinion it is so worthwhile oh my god i think it's so worthwhile forever so long with only two of us ali i would like to say, I think I love that you I love your commitment to TikTok noises. I think you're one of like the silliest people I know. And I think that you always know like the right goofy thing to say in a moment of like intensity. Like, I think you are so good at finding a way of like just making it human and relatable and bringing back like a bit of joy and what could be a potentially stressful situation. Also, I don't know that I've ever told you, you give amazing hugs.

You give really, really, really good hugs. Like you give real hugs. And like, I feel like if you know I'm not doing well, like you just give me like this, like your eyes like melt a little bit and you give me a really strong hug and it makes me feel so cared for. That's so nice. And you're fantastic. Thank you. You're fantastic thank you you're fantastic nick i think ally is loyal and trustworthy and and trustworthy in the fact she gets things done she's my official like figure it out her and i don't trust a lot of people so it's a big deal here we are you're in the circle of trust. The cone of silence. She's efficient.

I can count on her. She's reliable. Yeah. Huge deal. I feel like that's something where in the attention economy and social media, like I just feel like flakiness has like kind of become a lot more normalized in various ways. Unaware of your hugging ability, but I'm sure it's grand. I don't know if we've ever hugged.

That's fine. We don't need. I wanted to hug Nick when he got back from social forces and he was like, we don't need to do this. I didn't say that. You implied it. I might have given you that energy. Wait, did you get any birthday gifts that were like, like that were standouts?

Either like. Okay, I had a question about one. Okay. Because I had someone ask me recently, like what my five year plan was. And I was like, I guess I don't really have one like I'm like I didn't expect to like take it like I couldn't have predicted taking a job like this so I was like no I don't really have like a specific thing in mind this same person got me a a goal planner for my birthday hmm so I don't know if this is supposed to help me get there.

Well, I'm sure in this person's mind, they were trying to be really thoughtful. Totally. And like reference a past conversation. I think all the best intentions. But in execution. Hmm. Hmm. Bit of a backhanded compliment.

Yeah. Some people really see CEO their life or COO their life. Yeah. Like they're really like, this is how we're going to do it. It's going to be like. And I like I think I admire people whose like brain works in that way. I also think there's like a certain point where like if you're in an industry where there can be there's not necessarily like a hierarchy where it's like, oh, I know people get promoted within this time at this big company. Like you kind of have to surrender to the. I also think there's

something really great about having a certain level of flexibility. And I feel like growing up, I was so, so, so type A and such a perfectionist and everything had to be perfect and everything led into the next thing. And if it wasn't perfect now, then that mean it would throw me off down the line. And I'm like, holy shit, I'm so much more relaxed now. Yeah. Yeah. It's like life beat me down. Literally.

I got burnt out as like a 16 year old and then I had to reevaluate my life. Nick, do you feel like you have a 5 year plan? no do you feel like you have a sense of like now that you're having a kid are there certain things that you're like reevaluating in terms of like where you live or like do you think you're going to stay in LA forever?

ever? I don't know for the time being? yeah I mean yeah Natalie and I are having like big picture conversations but we're definitely not making our five-year plan you know things like that I think we anticipating maybe outgrowing our current house so there's that possibility you know but we don't have like a plan you know neither of us are big planners but we have an idea of like we have like a what do they call it vision board in our heads like various goals and just an overall big picture but like the plan specific you know i don't i don't like to get too specific with a plan because

plans change i'm kind of surprised to hear you say that about natalie because i feel like she's someone who i think of as like being so like so kind of put together in terms of like being like this is like like walking into a space and like really being able to like instantly be like okay like i have a plan for this and so it's interesting like the way that you can be planners in certain capacity but in that like larger scale like well yeah we can have a plan for something you want but then there's like also like planning out your next year or your next life or next five years. Totally. Writer in her.

Writer in her. All right. Let us hear. I'm 31 years old. I've been single for two years after my very first heartbreak, where admittedly I was the one participating in toxic behaviors. After a lot of therapy, it's still taken me two years to fully move on from that relationship. I guess it did not help that we kept hooking up the entire time. And long as we have gone without talking has been two months max since the breakup. With all of that being said, I'm

really trying this time to move on and move forward with my life. I started dating recently, intentionally dating. I have three dates, one for each day of the week this past week. Three different guys. There's not three days of the week. Maybe she took a long weekend. One of the guys I have gone on about three dates with. We met in real life, which never happens, and I can tell he really likes me. He is currently my favorite, I will say, but I find myself getting the ick with him and also others very easily. A few things that have given me the ick in the past. I do not find their voice sexy, did not know what the word patriarchy meant, their Instagram page slash reels they posted, he called me honey, would pause the

TV and rewind a show if one tiny word came out of someone's mouth, wanted to be a gym couple, when they dirty talk in Spanish, if they ever wear a thong flip-flops in front of me regardless of pool or beach. Is this the same guy or is this a general ex? I think this is just general. I think this is a collection of ex through many dating experiences.

The way he uses the word foods instead of food, I just picked up some foods. I want some foods. Just eating some foods, that would send me over the edge too. My question is, if everything else is there, can you get over the ick? I hope so. If we wanted to all be super honest with each other, we could all go through a bunch of obnoxious habits that we all have. And in case you're

delusional, just a reminder, you have them too. None of those things I would think are, you know, even though like you didn't know what the patriarchy is, like no offense, but like, it's not like, not everyone is on fucking TikTok. Maybe you could educate them or whatever it is. And also like, maybe I know, maybe this is like triggering for people, but like, I don't think you knowing what the patriarchy is has anything to do with being a good partner and being considerate and thoughtful and prioritizing your partner i don't think you need to know that stuff and and if it's a priority for you educate

your partner and see if then maybe you want someone who's like i think it's so fair to say like you know what some people like have not had access to this kind of like learning and have not sought it out for themselves like that's valid no shade to them but my partner is just someone who has been proactive and like figured it out and i don't i think you kind of have to be i mean sure you you could say whatever you want right but just simply not knowing about something that has nothing to do with their willingness to learn their willingness to be educated i feel like for me at least and i i granted like i've lived in boston chicago los not knowing about something that has nothing to do with their willingness to learn, their willingness to be educated? I feel like for me, at least, and I granted, like I've lived in Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles,

incredibly liberal cities, definitely cities where I think there's like more discourse about the patriarchy as a whole. So like I'm coming at this from like very much like that point of view. I know that people who are coming like who are from different areas might have totally different perspectives on this. From my perspective, if you don't know what the patriarchy is, that's that's significant. I don't think it's that. And it's like I'm not saying you have to know everything about it. But if you don't like simply have an awareness of that word for me, that is like a really big indication that you are not anywhere near the kinds of conversations that are like very important to me and that have to do with my values.

But I think that's yeah, I guess that's just like a difference. That person might not work for you. You know what I mean? Like I'm thinking about my relatives in the Midwest and I'm like, I don't know if my uncle would know that word, but it's like those probably aren't like the conversations that he and his girlfriend are having. Right. And the whole thing is that aren't supposed to like aren't universal. They're so hyper personalized. So I think I think that to me is like one of the more valid X. I also think not finding a voice sexy. I think i think that to me is like one of the more valid x i also think not finding a voice sexy i think the reason that i'm kind of inclined to like legitimize that i don't know call called me honey like sometimes you gotta there's no bad ideas in brainstorming sometimes

you throw stuff out the walls like i think for me it's like the no voice is like or the no not no voice but not a sexy voice is like to me that's saying like there's something else about like the swag that's off. Like there's something else about like they're kind of like voice is a big thing. Like studies have shown that a voice in the other angle, like if you really like someone's voice, you can automatically like jump 10 steps ahead of like being attracted to them, which is why they actually recommended doing like those hinge voice things. Because if someone hears your voice, it can actually like in their brain, like click something. They're like, I'm really attracted to them which is why they actually recommended doing like those hinge voice things because if someone hears your voice it can actually like in their brain like click something they're like i'm really attracted to them so maybe it's the opposite also that was invented for british men that fucking feature on hinge was for all the british girls on tiktok who do the the like voiceover ones

where they memorize what the guy says and they like lip sync it that's what they were meant for i mean at the end of the day all xr is a modern definition for pet peeves and i'm just saying and they're fun to joke about but at the end of the day as we talk about in this show like what makes a good partner or a bad partner usually has nothing to do with their x and like yeah i mean again like everyone's different i'm just simply saying there's a lot of fucking mis most of the conversations on the internet are a bunch of posturing people who love using buzzwords and really have no fucking clue what they're talking about. That's not everyone, but I think as a whole, and I think words like that have lost their meaning, but that's just me. I'm just simply saying I would think that a willingness to have a conversation and show an interest, regardless of that topic, would be more important than someone simply saying, oh, yeah, I know that and pretend like they agree with you or, you know, and I don't know. I just think people are allowed to value people who took initiative.

Like you're allowed to value that. And it's limiting, perhaps. Absolutely. You can value whatever you want. But yeah definition x are limiting and just be careful you're not prioritizing an ick over a non-negotiable and i'm not here to tell you what to like or not like and again i'm not saying most of these guys just probably aren't her guy right there's that and there probably are some of them are shitty and you know but none of these things that she listed say anything about necessarily their character, how they treat you as a partner. You can make assumptions and you can make guesses. Clearly, all these icks are built in with

assumptions. The foods versus food is the assumption is maybe they're not as educated. I don't know, but maybe it's just like a fucking slang he got from his family or just a goofy way they love to talk and they think it's funny and you don't. And maybe they just grew up in a different community and different priorities. I grew up in a very conservative household and very much been educated on more progressive viewpoints as I've gotten out in the world and things like that. And I've been very open- to learning about some of those things. I'm just saying, like, they're all very limiting things.

And before we start cutting people off for these things that really don't speak to people's character, they certainly allow us to make assumptions. But as we know, what assumptions are is an opportunity to, like, get things wrong about people. is an opportunity to like get things wrong about people to make an ass improv that they do when you're like developing characters is like a question they'll ask you because like making it up on the spot and so it's like after you've kind of made like one choice and they'll be like if this is true what else is true i feel like that's a really helpful philosophy sometimes to apply to dating where you're like because you're so right of this being like assumptions so it's like with for example like someone wants to be a gym like a gym couple like if they want to be a gym couple then and like how you answer because

there's so many different like ways that you can fill in the blank. I don't know what that means I can make assumptions I can guess what that means but I don't fucking know. Totally because if it's getting out like maybe you feel really uncomfortable with a partner who is like hyper involved in the like your movement practices and like you have in your own relationship with your body like however you're doing like that's something where it like could very quickly become like triggering or toxic for you like that's to me in my opinion like super valid if it's because like there's one annoying person you went to high school with who posts like photos with their boyfriend in the gym and you don't want to be like them yeah then it's like maybe not as fireable

of an offense yeah i think x like many things are a detriment to dating these days and they allow us to confuse pet peeves and non-negotiables what is the one thing that is the anti-ic what do you mean like everything has a an opposite so how do like if you were to like say like one thing like you're like in order to get over an ick focus on this like is there like an ant if it is poison to the relationship yeah is there an antidote yeah well yeah i mean i guess not giving pet peeves not confusing pet peeves of non-negotiables i don't know how else to answer that question yeah like maybe focusing on something else or focusing ask more questions be more open-minded because i don't know what the patriarchy mean might be a potential red flag but until you figure out what that means about the person it could mean a lot of different things

so find out you know ask more questions and don't come from a place of judgment don't be like oh my god you don't have hands you know like that sounds judgmental and like maybe they just don't come from a place of judgment. Don't be like, oh my God, you don't have the hands, you know, like that sounds judgmental. And like, maybe they just don't fucking know. I just don't think that speaks to someone's character. I just don't. Sadly, we live at a time where things like politics and viewpoints are over-prioritized over character. And we like to make assumptions about how people are. And just because someone has a different value system doesn't mean they have bad character. That means they might've been raised in a different community. They might have different perspective, different religious beliefs, and you can disagree with those beliefs and they can still be a good person or a bad person. But coming from a different point of view doesn't mean they're

inherently bad. To me, what defines as characters, how do they treat people when people aren't looking? How do they handle conflict? Are they honest? Are they upfront? Just because you disagree on a particular topic is just that, a disagreement on a topic. And that's the mistake people make. It's like, oh, well, let me explain to you why you should agree with me. And if you don't, you're a bad person. It's just like, you were raised in a very particular type of family, in a very particular type of community. And that's your value system. And it's, you know, served you well. And as you've grown, you know, maybe your own value system, but like if you were growing up in a completely different one, you wouldn't even be the same person,

you know, in terms of your belief system, but your character could still be intact. I can go on and on about this, but I strongly believe that that's a problem with our society. It's why we are so divisive and we have the outlook and why we treat people the way we do is because we think the way we were raised is right and the way they were raised is wrong and we are self-righteous and we are not interested in hearing other people's points of view and how they're affected. I mean, that's the thing. It's just like the people, if you're talking about politics, everyone thinks the other side is stupid and evil and uneducated. And one side thinks they're totally right and the other side is totally wrong. And then one side will make, well, they do all this horrible shit and blah,

blah, blah. And the other side could say the exact same thing with just as much passion and just as much belief behind what they're saying. I think it also comes down to prioritizing belief over character and aligned values over character. Totally. But also knowing that, and I think as a way of the way you move through the world, the people who you limit your exposure to, I agree that there's a lot of value in having meaningful exposure to people who are incredibly different from you and have different values from you. And seeing their humanity, I think, is incredibly important. You can, again, fuck around and find out, ask more questions. I think it takes humility to admit ignorance. And I think humility is a great character trait

to having a partner. Now, you may ask more questions and find out in addition to their ignorance, there is a stubbornness and an unwillingness to learn. And then maybe that's where you get to the point of saying, you know what? Agree to disagree. Maybe we're just not a good fit. But that's different than hearing one thing and then making a bunch of assumptions of what that says or means about that person. And that's all ics are. They're just a bunch of assumptions. That's just my two cents. Anyway, we have a great episode for you. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all Ask Nick, texting office hours, mediation calls, things like that. We have a great week lined up for you. We're excited to share it with you. Don't forget,

we have a bunch of update specials available to you behind Vile Files Plus. So if you're aching for those updates, in addition to the ones we drop for free behind Vile Files Classic, there's so many more behind Vile Files Plus. It is free to sign up. You got seven days to binge as many updates as you can possibly handle, and then some, so we hope you check it out.

Get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name?

My name is Shelly. I am 27 years old and my cousin is hitting on me and I don't know what to do. Okay. First cousin? Second cousin? Third cousin? First cousin. Not blood related because our parents were adopted.

Not blood related. Okay. Okay. Thank God for not blood related. our parents were adopted not blood related okay okay thank god for not blood related no no he's watching too much porn yeah probably probably next question

thanks for calling thanks for calling um thanks you guys wait give us some details do you think he's hot oh my god okay no absolutely not. Like objectively, is he a good looking guy? They're not blood related. They're not.

They're not blood related. Okay. Okay. So not blood related. I haven't seen him in 15 years. I'm not advocating for it. It's so weird, but like, but also don't even know like what he looks like. Not as a 10 year old child. So you still haven't seen him. I haven't even know what he looks like, not as a 10-year-old child.

So you still haven't seen him? I haven't seen him in 15 years. He is estranged from our family. How has he been hitting on you? Yeah. So five years ago, he added me on Facebook. And at that point, I hadn't seen him in 10 years. And I was like, oh, that's so nice.

Maybe he's trying to make amends with the family you know get back in our lives what do you mean make amends did he do something his mom and his dad got divorced and it was very messy and he took his dad's side and then as a result he just like didn't speak to his mom ever again and didn't speak to your your mom is is is your her his mom is your aunt exactly yeah so technically you're not cousins anymore sister that's still weird it's still weird okay okay not blood related estranged still cousins still weird still weird still weird always weird not cousins gross i'm just fucking around um all right so anyways a strange now like okay make amends all right five years ago facebook message bring us up to speed yeah so five years

ago he messaged me and at first he was very nice he's like oh how are you how's it going it's been so long just catching up and i was like oh that's really nice. Surprising because he was always very awkward and shy. I'm like, I don't know, just not really the talkative type. But again, that's when he was a child. So I was like, OK, well, you know, I'll entertain this conversation. This is very sweet. And then the messages slowly started to turn from, you know, how are you to I think we should date. I'm attracted to you. I've always been

attracted to you since we were kids. I've always had a crush on you. And I obviously immediately was like, this is inappropriate. Stop sending these messages. And he just doubled down. He kept sending the messages. And so I blocked him. Good girl girl this was five years ago this was five years ago yes how old was he how old how old is he so he's three years younger than me so five years ago he would have been 20 that makes me feel a little bit better okay i do not feel better shelly nick is rooting for you guys i'm not but if he was in his mid 30s or 40s i've been like this guy is there's something wrong with him yeah yeah he's younger than me for sure you know at 20 years old broken family i don't fucking know like again it's not how do i save the family i should date my cousin

i blocked him right and then i thought that was that because you know he's estranged I was like well I literally won't have to see him again and then a few months ago so back in January he added me on Facebook again and I was like okay I thought I blocked him I guess it's a new account and I don't know I kind of thought maybe he wanted to make amends. So I accepted the friend request. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. And I'm getting confused by the family trees because you are blood related to this guy. Well, we're not because his mom and my dad are siblings, but they're both adopted. So they're not blood related. Okay. That's a very important data point. She said that at the beginning. I missed the adopted part. Oh, okay. I did not blood related. Okay. That's a very important data point. She said that at the beginning.

I missed the adopted part. Oh, okay. I did not. Don't worry. Yeah. So we technically are not blood related, but grew up as cousins and everything. We were close as kids. Okay.

He's not adopted. Oh, he's not adopted. No, but their parents are different bloodlines. Yeah. All right. So anyways. Yeah. Yeah.

So back in January, he adds me on Facebook. I accept because I don't know. I was like, whatever. I'll just accept. And then he starts messaging me again. And I kind of am like super dry right off the bat, just remembering what happened last time.

I thought maybe he wanted to apologize. So I was kind of giving him the opportunity to do that. But he again, just started to ask, how are you? It's been so long since I've seen you, blah, blah, blah. And the messages just kept coming and coming, even though I was giving one word replies. I was like, I'm good. Like whatever, not giving him any leeway to keep talking to me. And he keeps talking to me over the course of the next like two to three months, even though I am at this point, not replying to him at all. I'm not even opening his messages. And I'm still every single day getting a new message from him. And he's on

my Facebook page. He's going back years, years ago, liking all of my photos and just continuing to message me. And I don't know what all of the messages say because I didn't open all of them, but the ones where I was opening them, they weren't outright like hitting on me this time, but they were very much alluding to it. So they were very much like, oh, remember when we were kids and we used to jump on the bed together? Like, oh, remember all those times and those moments we shared? And like, I've been going to the gym now.

I'm super strong. I look really good. Things like that, where I'm like, what? Like, this is... Is he okay? I mean, probably not. I mean, the way you describe these messages, it sounds like he's not quite operating with the same power. I have no idea. I have no idea. Have you told any of your family members? No, I haven't. I've told my friends and

my boyfriend, but I haven't told any of my family because I just like they are not people who handle things well. And I know there's just going to end up being like gossip in the family and the word is going to spread and it's going to be this big thing. Like I honestly would just like keep this in my back pocket and just not think about it ever again. But the issue is that he has made amends with a couple people in the family and he is now going to be at one of my other aunt's weddings in a couple of weeks from now. Oh, no. Yes.

So I haven't seen him, like I said, 15 years, going to be seeing him for the first time. And it's just, I just, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I tell people in my family. I think you need to tell people. I don't know how to confront him about it. I think you need to, because she needs lines of defense. Her boyfriend knows.

But like your dad, your aunt, like those are the people I feel like should know. How do you feel about your boyfriend? I mean, good. Like he, the issue issue with him it's something i love about him but he very much is like sees the best in everybody and he's a very chill guy so he's not someone who's going to be like you know super dramatic about it or making a big deal that could be we don't want we don't want it to be a big deal, right? You're trying to avoid the drama. What you want is simply just to feel safe and not have to put yourself in a position

where you're trying to keep this secret from family members to avoid drama and self-preservation, but also be stuck awkwardly, quietly, trying to enforce a boundary with someone who clearly doesn't seem to want to respect one. I don't think you need an art i mean i know he's been at the gym and he's getting strong and shit but like i feel like your boyfriend is enough if if you don't feel comfortable broadcasting this very awkward situation with a bunch of people you describe as don't handle news of this caliber well and you feel like no matter how you deliver it somehow people are going to make it an

embarrassing situation for you and somehow just make it weird for you then as long as you trust your boyfriend to you know step in if it's appropriate, because who knows? You have no idea how this kid's going to act. You have no idea if he just kind of awkwardly sheepishly shows up and just kind of like stares at you from afar. That would be my guess. My guess is he's not going to have the guts to come up to you and be all that inappropriate. But I would make sure that you say to your boyfriend,

hey, you know, of those situation, I really don't want this to be a thing. I need you at my fucking side the whole time. Like, don't leave me hanging. I need you present. I need you there. I really need you tonight. And he needs to be at your fucking side the whole time so that you don't, that your cousin doesn't have a window to step in and like literally or figuratively put you in a corner and and have this weird fucking awkward conversation about his like 10 year old feelings for you. Yeah, I I've been debating whether I should tell my brother and sister in law because I feel like they're like a little bit more chill. But I mean, I don't know. You know, your family best.

I'm just saying like, I don't think you need an army of people there to defend you. There's going to be a ton of people. You'll be in a crowd. Yeah. And as long as you think your boyfriend can keep that promise of being at your side and being your shadow for the wedding and it's a wedding. So that,

that really shouldn't be much of an ask to begin with but if you feel more comfortable telling these other family members and you think they can keep a secret and you think you're not putting yourself at risk of you know making this more than by all means like you know your family the best um yeah and what do i do when i see him? Nothing. Do I completely ignore him or do I just like, oh, hi, how are you? No, this is not a guy who's clearly reading signals. He's not paying attention. He's not reading the cues. So he's the type of guy who is going to convince himself that, hi, how are you in a nice way is some sort of signal or sign. He's giving you no reason for you to assume anything positive,

like that he can read cues or take a hint. He's just kind of shamelessly pinning on you in a weird way. Yeah. It's creepy. Yeah. You should ignore him. You should avoid him. You should go out of your way to not be close to him.

It's okay to make it obvious to him that you're avoiding him yeah i guess my one concern is we probably will be sitting at the same table i don't know for sure what makes you say that the cousin table that it's just like yeah it's all the cousins yeah like i couldn't that's not a far-fetched yeah exactly i can see that happening too maybe that's why i'm like okayetched yeah exactly i can see that happening too maybe that's why i'm like okay maybe i should tell my brother and sister-in-law because if i'm like hey like oh can we switch spots totally they'll know why and that's why when i was encouraging to tell people it was less so like i'm not trying to like make people have like a fight on the dance floor

but i've been in a situation like this where I had like a close family friend make me very uncomfortable and talking to like my girlfriend who was going to be with me over like the holiday and then like bringing my parents into that conversation, even though to the restroom you know what i mean just having people aware of it who you trust and you know won't go overboard i think it's just helpful you have more people aware of what's going on yeah yeah good point also this is what i would have your boyfriend do while you should avoid him i think you should point him out to your boyfriend early as as soon as you see him. And your boyfriend should go out of his way to walk up to him politely and nicely to introduce himself. Be like, hi, I'm Jason. What's your name? And you'd be like, oh, I'm so-and-so's boyfriend.

It's nice to meet you. And then walk away. So that way he knows that he's your boyfriend. So even if you're at the same table, he knows that you're there with your boyfriend. And again, your boyfriend can be the protector, you know, even if you're at the same table, like he could intersect any conversation, you know, he can, he can be there. But I think your boyfriend kind of going up to him and just introducing himself as your boyfriend also

might help set a boundary yeah it's true is he blocked currently like is he off of your facebook does he have any way of getting in touch with you anywhere yeah on facebook i didn't block him this time around his messages did stop though so he's not continuing to message i would block him pre wedding because there's a chance that seeing you is going to make that same thing happen to me. Like, I thought he was blocked on everything. He was not. And then it was like, oh, great to see you. Let's start this all over again.

So, yeah, just make sure that that's taken care of. Okay, I'll do that. Yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this. This is really stressful. It's just like, man, I don't know. I don't understand some people. Super weird.

Yeah, I don't know. He doesn't sound quite there. Yeah, he's always been like seemed a bit like kind of off and awkward. But I guess the good thing about that is I don't think he's the type of person to be super bold and like approach me and do something weird in person. That'd be my guess is that he'll be sheepish and awkward, but I don't think there's any harm in your boyfriend making it very clear who he is. Yeah.

Just so he knows. And my guess is that'll be enough for him to just kind of avoid you and act embarrassed and, and act foolish. And I agree with Allie, I think block them now so that if he happens to go back and look he's like oh she blocked me again hopefully he picks up on that signal and then go from there and then yeah your comfort level in terms of telling other people i think if your

boyfriend's capable of handling this he can handle it but if you also want to tell other people that you feel like you can trust and and you know won't you know make it a funny gossip thing, but rather they have your bench assistance in mind and they're to just kind of keep an eye out, then by all means. Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to tell me like, you have to go and send him a long message

or something like that. No, God, no. Okay, good, good. I was worried for a sec. But no, this I can do. Yeah, I think you just avoid this guy he's not your family yeah he's not i mean he is you know but yeah you you owe this person nothing well thanks for calling it's uh please we need an update when when's the wedding yes

the wedding is at the end of august okay all right yeah so please update us uh what you uh decided to do and how it all went down. But yeah, hopefully this is a great opportunity for you and your boyfriend, you know, and, and see if he, you know,

seriously, like every, every challenge is a potential opportunity and a test. And can he really step up and make you feel safe and be present and make this day about taking care of you? You know, you're going to have to take care of him at times, but today is a, you know, that day is going to be about him taking care of you. You're going to have to take care of him at times, but that day is going to be about him taking care of you.

And honestly, that should be enough. If the worst thing, if all you do is tell your boyfriend, and again, I'm not trying to tell, I just don't want you to feel your gut reaction was to say, I don't want to tell anyone else because I don't necessarily trust my family, these family members of this situation. And if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. If you reconsider and go, I don't want to tell anyone else because I don't necessarily trust my fam, these family members of the situation. Yeah.

And if that's how you feel, that's how I feel. If, if, if you reconsider and go, actually, there are a couple of people, I don't want you to convince yourself.

You can trust these people because you want to make sure it all. And, but that all comes down to how much do you trust your boyfriend to be able to step up in this situation and be that wall and, and that frontline of defense to just make sure that at the end of the day, he is not going to have access to you. And so if he talks to you, your boyfriend jumps in. He answers questions for you. He just kind of changes the conversation.

He's there to really be a shield. Yeah. Yeah. I don't feel like that would be his immediate response. But if I talk to him and tell him, this is important to me. Yeah. No, this is like, I need you to do this. That you do this and I'm sure he will. Yeah. It's important. Please do this. I just, I don't want to make this a thing. I feel really awkward. I feel uncomfortable. This whole situation is honestly making me not want to go, but like, I want to go because it's, you know,

family and yada, yada. I really need your help here. Can you step up and do this for me? Yeah. Yeah. And you can be like, I don't know how this is going to happen, but I need you to keep a close eye out because he's just demonstrated some very weird behavior. And I'm just like, he's unpredictable. And I just need, I want to be prepared because I don't want to spend the whole day feeling uncomfortable. I would hope your boyfriend would want to rise to that challenge. Okay.

Okay. Well, thank you so much for the advice. Good luck. Thanks. I will keep you updated. Please do. All right. Take care. All right. Have a good one. All right. Bye. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Every call that we have, I think we always ask our calls if they're in therapy. And we understand if you're not, because it can be scary. It can be expensive. It can be inconvenient. Well, BetterHelp is here to help with all of that. Far more affordable than in-person therapy and convenience. Well, you can talk to your therapist through BetterHelp anytime, anywhere you're at,

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But there are exceptions to every rule. So let's see if you might be the exception. Pitch me. Why? Okay. Should you get back together with him? Yeah, he is a really amazing person i think he's great we didn't have any like huge major issues i think our biggest issue was that we were young and

didn't communicate well with each other couldn't like work out the little things so they turned into bigger things what else because you? Because here's what I heard. It's like, we didn't have any real problems. We were young. Okay, that's it. And then I heard we didn't communicate well. And little problems turned into big problems. And last time I checked, communication has always been one of the core fundamental things of any healthy

relationship. And maybe, maybe the bulk of your lack of healthy communication was a product of your youth. That's possible. How old are you again? 34. 34. So we started dating when I was 25. Sure. But you were 29 when you broke up and while younger, not depending on the conversation, like, yeah, obviously you're super young. You're still super young, but you're also, you know, well into your adulthood. Yeah. Yeah. It was a, it was a tick tick talk audio sound. I forgot what it was. I mentioned it mentioned it's like falling in love with someone the second time you're just what was like like the idea of them sure yeah the potential of who they could be you know things like that it's possible he's just a great guy who's just not your guy yeah i think

part of the reason i'm considering it too is because i feel like i am very different in relationships now that I've learned a lot of that's a start. Yeah. Communication and to be more vocal about what I want and need and also like be more affirming to the person. Like we're very independent people. And so I think that was part of the problem too, that we never figured out how to like be together together. So what, what are things that you know, that as, as an individual that you could change or have changed that would make this relationship different the second time around? Yeah, I think, you know, in the past, my communication style was to retreat and he was very different. Like he wanted to work things out like right then and there kind

of thing. And so I think just understanding my partner's style a bit more and also just like owning my stuff too, and being better about, um, not running away from hard conversations. Um, I think that's a big one. I think, you know, part of the reason that we broke up too, is that we just weren't meeting each other's needs, like because of this communication issue, things kind of snowballed. And so, and we kind of dug our heels in or I did in terms of like, okay, you're not meeting my needs. I'm going to not try very hard with you either until you come to the table. Whereas I think things would have been a lot different if I had been more like loving and affirming and more giving to like get what I needed

in that sense as well. What were some needs that you felt like weren't being met for you? Yeah, the biggest one was that he was not prioritizing me. So one of the things I really appreciate about him is that he does social justice work like I do. It's very important to him. He's super passionate about it. And he was a workaholic at that time. So he would choose work over me a lot. And then towards the end of our relationship,

chose his friends over me a lot. And quality time is one of my love languages, and I just wasn't getting it. Gotcha. That's an important note to just, I guess, as we get into the weeds of this, this conversation opened with, we didn't really like break up for any real good reason. We were just young. And now we have found out that young meant 29 and no real reason meant lack of communication and he picked his job and friends over me. So I just, I want to put that out there. What makes me nervous about also something that you said is that you thought,

well, I'm in a different situation. We can all do better. And it's great that we look at ourselves first before we, and think about what can we control? What can we change before we start looking for other people to change as well. So I commend you for doing that. But my concern, given the issues that you had, is your solution to, you know, is like, maybe I should just do more. And if I do more, he will come around. And I don't think, you know, just like I've said, like in the history of situationships, I don't think doing more and proving to them how great of a partner you can be has ever worked and getting a situation to turn into a relationship. I think the same rules would apply in a relationship, a relationship that sometimes

is closer to a situation than a relationship, except for the title alone, which is, again, someone who doesn't prioritize their partner. That makes them feel like not a priority. That makes them feel confused if they can rely on them to show up consistently and be there emotionally and have to wonder, are you going to pick your job or your friends over me at any given moment? And I don't think you doing more is going to change that. Who ended the relationship? I did. You did. And at the time, that didn't wake him up.

No, it was pretty far gone at that point. And I immediately moved out of state right after that. And so I think that probably changed the dynamic too. Like we couldn't just fall back into trying to figure it out. How did things rekindle? So we've been in contact pretty much like every six months or so. And then about a year ago, I set a boundary that he couldn't contact me anymore because he was in a relationship for a couple of years at that time. Okay, another red flag. At the time, I'm sure it was like,

oh, he likes me even though he misses me. I was always thinking about me. But what he is, is someone who is able to justify his poor character choices because he justified it by being like, well, I have a history with her. I'm not doing anything wrong. She's not my girlfriend. He was reaching out to you to check in and get some sort of fix. I don't know what that fix was, but he needed something from you.

And at the risk of violating the trust of his then partner, it took you to set that boundary, to set that boundary, not him. Yes, definitely not good. Yeah, he, I think, doesn't make good choices all the time. And that was a big red flag for me. That's a reason as of a year ago. So now we have like this new benchmark date,

which is not five years ago, we were younger and different. As of a year ago, he showed signs of still being that same person he was five years ago, which is ultimately prioritizing his needs over his partners. That's a good point. Just an unbiased observation. We've poked holes in it enough. So I guess, listen, one, what conversations, if any, have you two had about what this second go around, this attempt at a second go around would look like? couple of weeks he feels strongly that the next step is for us to see each other in person and i don't feel like that is the next step i feel like we need to have some baseline understanding of yeah what would be different but i'm kind of struggling with i don't want to just come in hot and be like how are you better than you were before but why not i do feel like there are

conversations to be had how long did you guys date for? For a little over three years. You dated for three years. That's a decent amount of time. You've been broken up for five years. You've kind of kept in touch over those five years. You've been in and out of each other's lives for eight years. And you're worried about coming in hot by asking a simple question, which is what's going to be different? You're in your early 30s.

You know, you're young, but again, you don't have time to waste, you know, because in adulthood, I don't know if we ever have time to waste. I don't know. Maybe you are. Maybe you're just kind of like, fuck it. Like these years are really not that important one way or the other. And I'm just here to like yolo it i don't i don't think okay so that's not your intention but you're more than justified for someone you've been in your life for eight years you've dated for three again back to

you know our concern was lack of communication and you are reluctant to communicate something simple you are making something that should be simple harder than it needs to be. Yeah, I guess one of the fears is that what I learned or have since learned in dating is that I feel like it is important to communicate things in a way that the other person will be like receptive and open to. And so maybe I'm an overthinker, so I'm sure I'm overthinking it. And the other thing that's come up since is that I, you know, have been in therapy on and off. He has as well. But one of the things my therapist said, um, was that if we were to start dating again, we, I would need to to clean slate, forget about everything that happened, and just start over as if we had never dated before, which I found kind of questionable, but I don't know.

I mean, you're a therapist. I'm not in a position to disagree with it. It's an interesting take. Maybe on some level, I get what they're trying to say. To a certain extent, you can't weaponize it or use it in the past. And maybe there's some truth to it if you date. You know, I can actually

get on board with that. I mean, if you're going to date this person, I don't know how much good it does to bring up wounds from five years ago. But you're not dating yet. And I think it's more than fair to not ignore what happened

five years ago before you started dating, before you even make that decision. I'm hearing a lot of red flags. Yeah. make up for their weaknesses. Oh, you don't want to ruffle his feathers. So I got to come up with a way that he can understand it. And if he can't understand it, it's not his fault. It's my fault because I didn't communicate things effectively. I think it's a very slippery slope. And my guess is maybe a pattern that you might've even had in the past that you haven't quite gotten over. As someone who has a history of not prioritizing you, I think it would be really important for you to protect them, yourself and your heart by saying, I need to trust my gut when my needs aren't being met. And when I know that I have the right to ask for certain things. And when those needs aren't being met, I have the right to just simply be direct and communicate

that clearly. And I have the right to expect them to want to do something about that as opposed to communicating it, them not being receptive to it, and then blaming yourself as, well, I didn't communicate that in the way he was willing to hear it. I guess one of the reasons I'm open, I'm a little more open to it than I have been in the past is because even over the last couple of weeks, this is probably going to sound like a red flag too. But there have been like communication moments where he's done something and I've just said like no I'm not gonna tolerate that thing so like that's not okay what's he done he's been like you're right it's not I need examples I mean there's definitely been moments where he said he would call me on a certain day and then like I

didn't hear from him that day and so i would text and say like i thought you were gonna call me yesterday you know you you said we would catch up and he will just say something kind of like defensive about it so he just said like oh i was at the airport all day like my flights got delayed and i'm like, okay, you don't have five minutes, two minutes, like two seconds to text me. And so he was like, yeah,

you're right. I'm sorry. Like I shouldn't have done that. I should have explained. And so again, I'm kind of like, okay, is this a,

we just need to start communicating better or is this like a, this will just always be the case. I mean, yeah, it's a red flag. He's the same guy. Yeah. You don't think he's like learned anything or therapy has helped him? I don't know what he's gone to therapy for. I mean, really it all depends, you know, you can go to the gym and sit, sit there.

I don't, I don't know how good his therapist is i don't know how committed to it he is i don't know if he goes because he can say on dates that he's in therapy and he looks like some sort of like enlightened man i don't know but his actions have demonstrated in this brief communication that he's just the same guy and yeah maybe he's a little quicker to apologize but at the same time he doesn't have maybe he's a little quicker to apologize, but at the same time, he doesn't have what he wants yet, which is to be in a relationship with you. So even at his most vulnerable, in a situation where you could argue

you have more power than him, he is still not being Johnny on the spot. Yeah. He needs something from you. He's asking something from you. And he is still not doing literally the bare minimum. And he's making up excuses. He's not saying, you know, you're right. That was inconsiderate of me. I could have easily have just reached out. I'm sorry. I was at the airport all day. And what is that? That is him prioritizing him.

And listen, that's the problem with people who are good at being selfish and good at prioritizing themselves. It's very easy for them to explain why their needs are more important at any given time. And I'm sure he had a lot of things going on. I am sure you weren't on the top of those list of priorities, but that's kind of the point. Definitely. Yeah. And just the long distance factor too. I feel like it would just take a long time potentially to figure, I mean, maybe not, but it feels like. So if you get in this relationship, so there is long distance now. So if you were to date, it would be long distance.

Yeah, exactly. So like very much across the country, like it's not an hour flight. It is across the country. Can I ask you a question? Yes. When was the last time you were

excited about someone? Like a month ago, a month ago, what happened? Again, this person got really busy with work and wasn't like prioritizing seeing me. So just kind of faded. And what about before then? Um, I date a lot and I think that's another piece of this is that I'm like, okay, yeah. Is it worth exploring something that I was, that I do like think about and kind of, you know, wish it had worked out. But, um, but yeah, I date, I've dated like many people, nothing super serious, but serious enough that I've been thinking about this guy for five years. Okay. That kind of gives me a little bit more comfort for your sake.

And the reason I say that is because if you're good at dating, and by good at dating, I mean, you're just a willingness to put yourself out there because it's hard. To me, that gives me a little bit more security that if you were to give this relationship a shot, you could be honest with yourself and get out of the relationship. My fear for you is to have you enter this relationship and be like, I can't let this fail twice. And then put a lot of work in it. And then just, you know, it really just takes up another year of your life.

Yeah. I think it's hard to, cause it's like, I really care about him as a person, which means I'm probably making more excuses for him than I should. That seems pretty obvious from my end. him as a person, which means I'm probably making more excuses for him than I should. That seems pretty obvious from my end. Yeah. Appreciate the tough love. I think if you're going to attempt this, I think you need to be pretty ruthless with your honesty. I think that if it's long distance, even harder.

Shoot, man. Because I was going to say, honestly, I don't think it would be extreme for you to be like, all right, if you want to get back together, couples therapy. I get what your therapist is saying about you need to start over. But again, you're not starting over yet. And you did date this guy for three years. You've known him for eight years. You know who he is. If he's changed, it's not substantial. People just don't change all that much at the end of the day. And that's the thing. Even if he was just like perfect right now, if he was just like, oh my God, he's just always reaching out, always attentive. We don't even know if that's sustainable, but he's not even doing that now.

Yeah. He is reaching out a lot, but kind of on his terms still. Oh, so par for the course. Yeah. Okay. So do you think like next conversation I have with him should just be like, what's going to be different now? Yeah.

I mean, after talking to you, let's say if I were like your, I got on the phone for you, you know, you're like, and I'm just like, hi, I'm just, I'm here as a surrogate. I would be like, listen, we've been talking for the past few weeks. And if I'm being honest, I'm already seeing a lot of the same concerns I had five years ago. Here's a question to ask him. Do you remember why I broke up with you? I'd want to know what he'd say. Are you guys on the same page about that?

And you need to get the narrative out of your head that you broke up because you guys were too young. That's not accurate. That's a lie. You broke up because he didn't make you feel like a priority. You got tired of feeling like a fourth or a fifth option constantly. You got tired of feeling crazy for wanting your just emotional needs being met. You got tired of asking for the bare minimum and him treating it like you were asking for the world that's why he broke up and i'd love to hear if you asked him that very direct question if he could be self-aware and honest enough to say well i don't think i made you a priority i think i constantly

put myself first i was selfish and and i worked too hard and if it wasn't work it was selfish and I worked too hard. And if it wasn't work, it was friends. And I just like, I made you feel crazy for asking for the bare minimum. And that would be my first question. I'm going to guess he's going to fail that test, but who knows? Maybe he's going to surprise us. You know, all jokes aside, you're not here to coach him up. I'm sorry. I'm bumming you out. Yeah, that's fair.

No, no. It's helpful because I think, yeah, I give people a lot of chances. And I'm at the point where I'm like, I don't want to waste my time. I don't think this is the last person I could be happy with. But I think it's hard because he has so many qualities that I really love. And there were a lot of really wonderful things about our relationship. So it's hard. Yeah. No, it is hard because what you found is a really great guy who you're pretty compatible with and you have some good chemistry. And it's someone you could probably be decently happy with.

And the question is, are you looking for decently happy or are you looking for better? And you're only 34. You have the rest of your life to find your person. And maybe it's not happening at the time that you want. But I would ask that question. I'd point out the red flags you've noticed. If he passes the test, I'd be shocked. But if he does pass the test and you say, well, I don't know how long distance is going to help with that situation. That's not sustainable. So are you willing to move is he willing to move yeah i i

already told him that i'm not i have a job that i have to be what did he say for and so he said okay like he's not tied to the place he's at but he also is very like one step at a time so he didn't say like yeah i would move he just there's nothing wrong with that. I'm glad you guys had that conversation. At least that's something. But I would just be like, listen, if we're going to do this, I don't have time to waste. And I just need to know that I need to feel like a priority constantly. And if you think that's me being needy, then we're just maybe not compatible. But if he's like, yeah, I'll prioritize you. Do I just, I assume I just figure out if he actually does. You can, but i would ask him what

do you think that means yeah and maybe you can give an example it's just like you said you're gonna call and then when i asked why you didn't call you said you're at the airport all day as if like phones don't work at the airport so not only did i not feel like a priority either you're lying to me or treating me like an idiot. Like none of those sound good, but that is how I felt. And back to, you made me feel crazy for asking for the bare minimum. Me having to ask you why you didn't reach out when you said you would, and then telling

me you're at the airport makes me feel crazy for asking for the bare minimum. Because I'm supposed to ask myself, are people not allowed to text at the airport? Because that's basically what he's asking you to believe, which everyone knows isn't true. Yeah. I think part of it, part of what's hard too about dating is that it does feel like, yeah, I'm a pretty independent person. I have high standards, even though it may not seem like it right now um you're just a human being you care about them this doesn't mean you don't have high standards it just means it's love fucks you up yeah it's hard to know like what to compromise on or where to like give the leniency versus being like no this is a hard no you just need to be more honest with yourself about why you broke up and what this is. Because the more questions I ask, the more clear it came to me that the reason you broke up was not what you said.

Because let's say you were talking to someone else. You're like, oh, we broke up. We were just too young. We were on the same page. It was five years ago. Someone who's not asking as many questions would be like, well, a lot can change in five years. So give it a shot. And you're like you know, a lot can change in five years. So give it a shot. And you're like,

yeah, a lot can change in five years. Perfect. But clearly a lot hasn't changed. Oof. Yeah. Right. This is a selfish ask,

but nevertheless, how much is he willing? Is he willing to come on the show with you and hash this out? I mean, like, I think he would be down to be honest. Okay. See if he is.

I'd love to, I'd love to him to answer some of my questions. Yeah. Yeah. I can't, I'll ask. I mean, he's nothing to lose. He's pretty open. And yeah. Listen, there's clearly love there.

You guys clearly care about each other. As much as I've been poking holes in this, it's, I understand why you guys are drawn to each other. And it's hard to see all the good and walk away from that. And then it's easy to lie to yourself. But neither of you have time to waste. And this could just be a product of you not finding the person you're looking for yet. And the solution might simply just be, unfortunately, a little bit

more patience with your own love life. And that's a bummer to hear. But if you're going to do this, you guys really need to go all the way. Personally, and again, not expert here, I don't agree necessarily with the premise of just like, well, let's just pretend there wasn't an old relationship that we're starting new and just take it just as slow., let's just pretend there wasn't an old relationship that we're starting new and just take it just as slow. And let's just re-get to know each other as if you have no history and you have no data points and you have nothing to go on. You guys are in your thirties. Five years is not that long of a period of time. If you were 21 now and be like, well, fuck at 16, who the fuck knows?

A lot can change in five years. But from 29 to 34, less is changing. Yeah, that's a good point. I'm sure he doesn't want to waste his time either. And so it's like, how do we just figure this out quickly? And I don't think it's... It would be impossible for me to not remember past things that happened. And no, I'm not going to bring him up and throw him in his face. But I'm also probably, yeah, the not calling thing was like, oh, I remember this feeling and it's not cool. Yeah. My first question would be in your mind, why did we break up? And I hope it's not, well, we were young and it was timing and I was just a different stage of my life and yada, yada, yada.

Yeah. I wonder, I think he would know pieces of it, but he probably wouldn't own as much as I would hope. Well, something I guess is better than nothing, but that's where you would be like, well, can I be honest to kind of remind you? And you can even acknowledge, to be honest, this is something I kind of had to realize later on. I had a hard time putting it into words because I do care about you and it's just easy for me to want to make excuses for you. But just so you know, and so that we're on the same page, I felt like you didn't make it my priority. I never felt like a top priority. I always often felt like a fourth or fifth priority.

And you made me feel crazy for asking for the bare minimum. I'm wondering, do you think his role in that scenario, that part of the conversation is just to be like to be like you're right and or i hear you i can just imagine a situation where he is like well here's what i was going through like here's how i was feeling and that that feels valid and also like well not necessarily what i he has the right to talk to you about why his needs weren't being met he needs to acknowledge yours first yeah you know it's not that's not the time for like well i was also feeling this it's more oh okay like thank you for sharing this is really important for me to hear i honestly like i kind of got some of it but like some of this is if i'm being totally honest like

a bit of a wake up call for me. It's hard for me to hear. And also, first of all, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. If we do this again, I'm committed to not making you feel that way. Also, while we're having this conversation, can I also communicate to you ways that like my needs weren't getting met or my frustrations and like things that I would like us to work on so that my needs are met? Can we can I have that conversation with you too?

And you can be like, of course, that's how that conversation should go. I like that, that there is an opening, but it's not the first thing that he should say. If he wants to be with you, he should be so grateful for you to communicate all the ways in which he can make this better. And it's a red flag if he is resistant and defensive of you giving him the gift of information of how he can be a great partner for the relationship he wants to be in yeah makes sense well we are always here i'd love to have him come on and we could talk this through together yeah i'll ask it whatever you guys decide i i really hope that you guys decide it together.

If it's to get back to the great, if it's to just say, you know what? We care about each other. We love each other. But maybe we're just not each other's person. Because it's harder to get out once you're in. And if it makes you sad now to say no to him, imagine how it's going to feel three months from now after you really opened yourself back up. I think that's my biggest fear. We get back in it and I see him and it's like,

we know that we care about each other and these things still haven't changed. And then I'm just have to get back out again all over. I think it's very fair for you to point out the red flags that he has shown you that give you reasons to be concerned that he hasn't in fact changed. Yeah. It's going to be hard for him he hasn't in fact changed yeah it's gonna be hard for him for him to hear i think but is necessary for sure yeah and i think you need to stop being so hard on yourself about your communication skills and your need to deliver said message in a way that he receives it he's an adult man. You don't need to massage this message. And if that is the case, if he is that flawed that you have to articulate every single word perfectly, then he's not ready to

be in a relationship. How could you be in a relationship with someone where you have to tiptoe every message so that he receives it in a way? And if not, it's somehow your fault. What the fuck is that? Yeah. When you put it like that, that makes a lot of sense that it shouldn't be like that. All right. Well, I'm invested, so keep us posted. Let us know if he wants to come on either way. We'd love an update on how that conversation goes. Yeah. I'll definitely let you know if he wants to come on. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Thanks. Bye-bye. Racketton. Well, if you love shopping and you love getting cash back, then look no further to Rakuten. It's truly one of those things that's hard to believe exist because you get to shop with

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We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. How's it going? My name's Carmen. I'm 22 and I was wondering how to stop being the girl before the girlfriend to all of my situationships. Okay. All of your situationships. What do you mean by how many situationships are we finding ourselves in?

So I, like I mentioned, I'm 22. I was kind of a late bloomer when it comes to dating and connecting with people. So I've been in about four or five total situationships since like the age of like 18, 19, I want to say. They're all kind of like long-term situationships, ranging from like either six months to like nine months, which is kind of very long. Yeah, it is.

So that's your first problem, is you are accepting situationships as an acceptable relationship status. And it is not. Situationships rarely, if ever, help you get to a relationship. That only happens when you cut them off, essentially, and stop giving them access to you at their convenience. Are you straight, bisexual, gay? Do you date men? I'm straight. You're straight.

Okay, so the men. Yeah, I date men. Okay, so your impression is that the men you've dated, the next person they dated, it was a relationship. Yes, so a little bit of a backstory. So I get into these situationships. We're kind of friends first. I know them.

We chat. We get the vibe of each other. And so we follow each other on social media, obviously. Never have I ever ended a situationship badly, me or the guy. So we do stay in contact via social media, mostly Instagram. So I did recently unfollow all of them just because they're done so that was a bonus for me but yeah after we end like a couple months later i'll see that they post a new girlfriend and then like their anniversary posts are coming up and stuff like that okay yeah we need to like do a whole like. I agree. I agree.

Because my guess is you're the cool girl. You become friends with these guys. Listen, I loved having friends as women. I've always had friends as women. But I, when I've had friends as women, I was very good at either my friend or you're more than a friend. And you do this thing clearly where you kind of just become friends with any guy that you would be interested in romantically or not. And you know, you know when you meet a guy, if you find them remotely attractive, you know, essentially.

Yes. Stop being friends with these people i don't mean be rude so my thing is like i'll i become friends with them because like that's how i get comfortable with people like i would rather know you like as a friend first and then get to all of that okay so i find it easier to like gravitate towards them like being super friendly like oh let's do this like just as friends first and then see how it goes rather than just jump into it like romantically being like oh i like you but i don't even know you no i mean i understand that logic but i think there's another option than the

two that what you just described you could be intentional in your dating and when you go out on potential dates you know i don't don't know, I'm assuming, are you on the apps? Yes. Okay. Great. So you're on the apps and when you meet these guys, no one's saying you need to fall in love and start planning a future and playing house and hooking up. No one's saying you have to do that. You can take it slow and you can develop a friendship with these guys that you are intentionally getting to know for the purposes of finding out if they're someone you want to get romantically involved in as opposed to pretending that you're just friends and acting like the cool chick who's just kind of there and

friend because that's what we do as friends right you know when we're friends we're like yeah i'll go out of my way for you. You know, I'll step up, you know, and you're not necessarily worrying about certain things that you would in a relationship. And so my guess is, and I don't have access to these men that jumped into relationships afterwards, but my guess is, is that the women they are meeting after you are behaving very differently than you. Some of it is just like, you know, they met someone they thought they were more compatible with or they had more chemistry with or whatever.

But I bet I'm willing to bet that one consistent thing they have is they're not willing to pretend to be their friend. And my guess is they're willing to enforce a boundary, which is to not accept less than what they want, which is the relationship. You don't fall into a situationship. You accept a situationship. out with people at their convenience and thinking that pretending to act like their girlfriend and doing boyfriend and girlfriend things without any expectations of them or commitment from them and hopes that they will wake up and realize that you're worth giving up the opportunity to meet

anyone else. And that just never works. I agree. I do at like a certain certain point in those situations, I do tell them that like, I'm no longer looking at it in like a friendship lens and that I do see this going somewhere. Okay. But then it always hits that wall where it's like, oh, I'm not ready. Or like, oh yeah, like, okay, but let's just keep hanging out and like seeing how it goes. And I'm like, okay, yeah, that's cool. Like, let's keep hanging out. But like, I'm telling you that like, it's not like that anymore well does it does your behavior change yeah the most recent

situation ship that I had we were friendly before and then once he had asked me on a date I was like okay like now at this point like I do see you in like that like romantic setting so like I don't see us just like hanging out as friends and then I won't be as available to him like he'll ask me to hang out a couple nights a week and i'm like oh i'm busy i have like this this and this but then i will make time like the next week when i'm free and then we hang out and stuff like that so it does change but i guess not enough to the point where it's like a drastic difference for them but how long is the actual situationship usually last for? Because in my mind, the situationship starts when you express some romantic interest in them and they give you the whole like, I'm not ready for a relationship right now or something like that. And then you continue to hang out with nothing actually changing. You're still hooking up or being romantic or going to movies or dinners together. being romantic or going to movies or dinners together but there there's no requirement of them to meet any of your needs because they can always be like we're not boyfriend and girlfriend yeah so like the point where i normally tell them like i have interest in them or like i've started

developing feelings is around like the two to three month mark and then after that it'll go for like a couple more months um no longer than like a year and like two months okay that was the longest one if you change anything when you try to define the relationship and you acknowledge that you have some sort of romantic feelings to just say hey listen you know whether it was you caught off guard or whatever but like i it is changing and and then enforce that boundary which you're clearly not doing once they say I'm not looking for a relationship right now, anyone in that situation acts like they're off the hook. It's like, I fucking told you.

But if you still want to hang out, all right, fine. It's on you. A follow-up question. Why do they ask me on those dates and stuff like that still after? Because they got nothing better to do. I mean, that is the hardest of truths. They also enjoy your company. They like hanging out with you. They're going to see if you're available because they do enjoy your company.

But what they're not willing to do is meet your demands or requests, your needs. If you were to say, well, sure, I'm available if you... They'd be like, oh, well, but if they're like, hey, it's Wednesday. Do you want to go to the movies sure you know because people go to the movies with their friends they go on dates with their friends you know they have drinks with their friends they introduce their friends to their parents they take trips with their friends you're a cool hang you know but they're i want to be more than just a cool hang yeah but it's gonna it's gonna require you to stop hoping that they will just change just because they want to and not because they have to. You're also only 22, so you're super young. You got tons of time. Another way to look at it too is you are in a way fucking with the right people. They're just not your people. And so if these guys that you are hanging out with who seem to be getting into relationships with other women, well, that means you are investing in people who seem on some level willing and capable to be in a relationship. And that's a sign that you are, you know, that your pickers in line, so to speak, you know, they're just not your people.

But I'm picking people that don't want to pick me. No, you're trying to invest in people that don't want to pick you. You're being told no, and you're like, but maybe. And then you try to invest in people who make it clear that they don't want to invest in you. So you're ignoring their boundary, really. Their boundary is I'm not ready for a relationship. And it doesn't matter whether it's with you or right now or whatever. They have told you, I'm not looking for a relationship. And it doesn't matter whether it's with you or right now or whatever. They have told you, I'm not looking for a relationship with you, with anyone.

It doesn't really matter. Obviously, you know, it's that fine line between being honest and being a dick. What are you expecting to say? I'm not looking for a relationship with you? I don't like you? You know, that sounds like a dick thing to say. So they say, I'm not looking for a relationship at all or not right now. And yada, yada, yada. But like that wastes more time. Like I, I'm a very upfront person. So like, I have no problem telling them like that I'm catching feelings or whatever. And that like,

I want to go out on dates with them and stuff like that. But like, I would rather that than just getting strung along kind of, but then I'm also still getting sucked into being strung along. So I don't know. But yeah, you're just, you're not respecting their boundaries and you're not enforcing yours. When someone says, I'm not looking for a relationship, that's a boundary that they've set for themselves. And it's your job to respect people's boundaries. So when they communicate that boundary, you have to hold them accountable and remind them. It's just like,

you know, you're not looking for a relationship. I also, if you don't remember, mentioned that I was with you. I also mentioned that I'm just not interested at this point to be your friend. So I'm just a little confused. Always act confused when someone tries, when people don't respect their own boundaries, you just act confused. It's like, well, why wouldn't you want to, but you, you said this and I'm just, I'm sorry, I'm confused. I just, why are we, why are you asking to go out? I was like, oh, I just want to hang out. You know, but I also communicated and then you remind them, well, I'm again, I'm confused because as much as I like hanging out with you, I want more than what we've been doing.

And again, you don't want to give that. And I understand, but I can't do that. And again, I'm not saying every guy is going to come around. But what you will do is save yourself the two to three, four year long situationships you seem to find yourself in. You're giving all these guys the power. That's another thing too. People just don't want to be in relationships with someone who they have an unequal power dynamic and that person gives that power away. So I don't know what these women are doing differently, but my guess is they're not so willing to give away

the power they have that you seem to be so willing to do. That makes sense. I also think that it might come from like, I've never actually been in a committed relationship. So that might like, I might not know where my power lies necessarily in a relationship. So that might be it as well. Well, start with your power lies by knowing that whether you've been in one or not, that you're worth having expectations of yourself and whoever wants to be in that relationship.

You don't have to have experience in a relationship to maintain your power. You're maintaining your power is helping other people enforce their boundaries because that's hard to do. We just, we love to negotiate our own boundaries all the time. We didn't even start using the word boundaries until like two years ago, you know, and people like love to say the word, but half the time don't even know what it means. You know, they think it's like someone else's thing they're supposed to do. And so because it's so hard for us to respect our own boundaries, when people hold us accountable, that's a powerful thing to do. It's hard to have willpower.

We respect other people who have willpower, especially when we have a hard time having willpower. You have a hard time having willpower when it comes to helping people enforce their boundaries and respecting your own. You don't know. You don't have to have relationship experience to get better at that. Holding yourself accountable and reminding people of the boundary you set with them and then enforcing that is another way of maintaining your power. Staying committed to your word. Of course. I understand. Backing up your words with your actions. That is maintaining your power. Saying one thing and doing another

is the opposite. Compromising with yourself is an... Put it out there and fire fast. You don't fire fast. You fire real slow. I do. You let them do the firing. It's very much like a slow burn. Listen, you are young and

don't beat yourself up for not feeling like you're getting it right, but you just have to stick to your guns a little bit better. That's hard to do, though. It's every situation. The only problem would have been me. I'm not saying I'm the problem, but it's like they go into the relationship and it's like, okay, well, clearly they were ready for it. And the other person was. So it was like I wasn't ready for it, which probably does have to do with me enforcing my boundaries and listening to theirs. To some point, yeah. And then listen, at the end of the day,

not everyone's into everyone. Not everyone wants to be your partner and you don't want to be everyone else's partner. If you want to be special, you're going to date more people that you're not interested in than you are interested in. You have to just give it a shot. And so another thing too is, are you liking too many of these guys? Are you prioritizing chemistry over compatibility? Most people at your age do. It's easy to get excited. Yeah.

You find them attractive. You think they're tall. You like, you know, they're naturally charismatic or you like their job or whatever it is. And it's easy to convince yourself of things that you're compatible with. We've all done this. And obviously physical attraction is important. I'm actually not as compatible as I think that I am with them. Cause I'll realize after that,

I was like, wow, like that was, well, that's what I'm saying, which means that you are. Yeah. So that is a sign that you are prioritizing chemistry over compatibility

because you're, you're seeing it clear after it's over after you're less invested. So, and that just takes time, you know, like what do you have in common with someone? Because you're seeing it clearer after it's over, after you're less invested. And that just takes time. What do you have in common with someone? Do you enjoy having fun with them? Or are you pretending to like the things they like all the time? When you meet someone and you're excited, you just want to be around them.

So you don't really care what you do. But eventually you do. Yeah. It always does get to a point where it's like, okay, well, I want to do this. Let's do this. So another thing, a way to maintain your power is be willing to speak up earlier. Be willing to say, I want to do this and see how willing these friends of yours want to do things that you want to do. Okay.

So just be more upfront, closer to the beginning of it. So it's not a slow burn. Yeah. And be more unafraid of rejection. My guess is, is that you meet a guy, you get a little excited, you're afraid of putting yourself out there, so you get in the whole friend mindset. And then you start acting more of a friend than a girlfriend and you get close to them. You know, quite honestly, it's a little manipulative on your part, you know, in a way. Because you're saying, hey, I'm safe to be friends with. I'm not like, you can get close to me, no pressure. And then you hit them with the, I like you, which catches people off guard, you know?

And they're like, well, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. And then you're also like, all right, well, let's be friends. And so you're not being upfront about your expectations or you're not communicating those expectations. So the best thing you can always do in any situation is be upfront with what your expectations are as soon as you know them, just communicating calmly and then follow through. And if you just do that, I promise you, you'll waste a lot less time with some of these guys because there's just not enough guys out there for you to always be broken up with so to speak if you're always being broken up with then you're you're not

qualifying them enough you're you're not you're not actually trying to get to know these guys to find out whether you like them or not you are just deciding that you like them based off of what i'm guessing is some surface level shit you know and then you're trying to get them to like you. So for most of the situationships, I normally end them because I kind of get sick and tired of it. I'm like, OK, well, you're obviously not changing. So like, but yeah, but you're only but you're only ending them because they're not, which is good that I'm glad that you are eventually ending them. Yeah. But I'm saying you should be meeting some of these men and then saying, you know what?

This isn't it for me. Yeah, I have to get to that a lot quicker. Yeah. You should be finding out that these guys lack qualities or have qualities that you're not interested, short of them just not wanting to be your boyfriend. There's just not that many guys in the world that are right for you. And so I think you need to kind of probably raise your standards a little bit. Not that you have low standards, but I think you're, you're not,

you're not qualifying whatever standards you have set. You're not sitting down with yourself and saying, all right, what, what do I value in a relationship? You know, how do I want a guy to make me feel? Is this guy doing that? Do I like him and holding him accountable for how you want to feel early on when you meet a guy as opposed to trying to. So I have actually done that. Okay.

Like I've done that work. I've gone through therapy and like I since like when this like occurred and like I started realizing the cycle I was I took a break from like dating men just in general. Okay. And it was just how I realized that they always get a girlfriend after me. So I was like okay so like what do I really want from like a guy that I'm going to meet next? So it's like open communication. Like we actually are compatible.

We have similar interests in the future. I know we're young, so it's not like, I'm not looking for someone that wants to get married, like, or have children yet. But it's like stuff that I'm interested in and then goals that I have as well. But I think just from what you've been saying, I think that it does slip through the cracks after a while. Cause I do just have

that idea in my head that I like them. So it's like, Oh, maybe that'll come. Yeah. And again, you are young. So, and if you're actively not trying to like get married anytime soon, maybe, maybe having a boyfriend isn't a big priority for you. Yeah, that's also true. I'm back in school for my master's, so I'm more focused on my career right now than anything else, but yeah, maybe it's not. Maybe a boundary you should set for yourself is that you're not looking for a relationship right now.

And then you, again, have to enforce that boundary. So you can casually date, but at the moment where you like a guy enough where you're like, oh shit, man, I wasn't planning on dating someone, but I kind of like this guy. Then you need to like first have a conversation with yourself. Like, do I like this guy enough to ignore this boundary? Am I willing to put myself out there? And do I like, what do I want out of this relationship? Oh, I just want to have a boyfriend and like have regular sex. I don't, you know, or stuff like that, you know, know but if you're if you're actively like i don't want to get married anytime soon unless you meet a guy who just like completely makes you change course then maybe you're just

spending too much energy trying to have a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend and deep down you're just you're not really in a position to have one right now yeah that makes sense i've never like really seen myself as like the girlfriend type for like oh like i want a boyfriend i need a boyfriend i like want a boyfriend to do this and this with me so i i agree with you i don't think that that's where my head's at but maybe i'm trying to force it with these guys that i need because i am still interested in them in a way yeah a little bit and honestly like the whole like you know good luck chuck mentality or people settling down after they hit you like i don't know i think it's i think it's over yeah yeah like chances are someone is gonna meet someone else after you you know and they're

gonna i don't i don't know i had this idea that people are supposed to date you and never be able to find love after you it's like i don't don't. No, that's not what I meant. No, I know. I know that's not what you meant, but people make, people make such a big deal about like people having success in love and relationships as a bad thing. If you were the last one they dated, I don't know. Maybe, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe meeting, I don't know.

It's just, I just think we waste a lot of energy. It's, I think it's an ego-driven thought. It's like, am I good enough? What did I do wrong? It's like, I don't know. Maybe they just weren't as into you. Maybe it just wasn't a vibe. And after talking with you, it sounds like none of these situations, ships that you were in, were devastating and heartbreaking.

It was just more like, I don't know. You hung out with them you became friends you're like oh they're kind of cute so i'm gonna like tell them i like them and it didn't really go anywhere so we hung out and then it ended you know and well two of them did meet my family um but yeah at the end i kind of was just like oh well like it was fun i guess i mean i also i'm one of those people that like i won't really show like you hurt me as much. So it's just like, okay, it's cool. Like whatever. And then just like move on from it. I think introducing people to people's family is so overrated. Okay.

I mean, everyone's different. the people that know me the best, you're meeting them and actually getting another glimpse on who I am as a person. I'm not saying it's the end all be all, if my family doesn't like you or whatever, but that's a big part, in my opinion. It's a big part, assuming that everything else is where it needs to be. It doesn't do anything for the two of you. It doesn't help you guys connect. It doesn't really help with your compatibility. It's certainly nice to know that the person you want to invest all your energy in, your family enjoys and thinks that you're in a good situation. Obviously, that's important. But people act like, oh, they met my family. Is this some sort of major milestone? For some people, it's a big deal. For other people, it's like, I don't know,

I introduce a lot of people to my family. I don't know. I'm with my family all the time. So like, yeah, here's my mom and dad. Yeah. It can be very casual or very serious. Yeah. I don't think it's that big of a deal. So yeah, listen, I don't think you have some major problem. I think right now, I think you're maybe spending a little too much time of your energy dating and relationships when you're 22, you're investing yourself in school, you know you don't want to get married anytime soon. To me, that sounds like someone who should enjoy the fact that being in a serious committed relationship isn't a high priority so that you have the freedom to casually date, not get too invested in anyone. But if you are surprised by someone truly,

where you really think there's potential there to be vulnerable, put yourself out there, try to define their relationship, set a boundary with them and enforce it and see where it goes. But no hard feelings. Right now, you're just too focused on getting the boyfriend, I think, more than you realize. Okay. Maybe that's something I have to think about a little more after as well. Okay. Thank you. No problem. That's really helpful. Anytime. Well, keep us posted. We'd love to know how things go. I think a lot of your problems, if you want to call them problems, are just perspective.

Maybe just focus more on you right now and be mindful of the boundaries other people set and the boundaries you set for yourself and be mindful about respecting both. I will keep that in mind for sure. And it's not your job. Actually, I'll do it. Yeah. It's not your job to enforce their boundary, but it's helpful to help people hold them accountable. And if nothing else, it gives you power by helping people enforce their boundaries and reminding them of the boundaries they set. And you're just here to help. Exactly. I'm being a helpful hand. Here you go. And you're just here to help. Exactly.

I'm being a helpful hand. Here you go. All right. Well, thank you very much. Thank you. All right. Have a nice day. Keep us posted.

I will. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in your questions to asknickatthevilefiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.