The Viall Files - E637 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend’s Emotional Affair With His Cousin

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss how to navigate family photos with significant others. We also read a submission from someone whose boyfriend wants to take a trip to somewhere he’s gone with an ex. We debate recycling dates, trips, and activities with new relationships, and if it’s just ego getting in the way of doing so. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller recently found out she’s pregnant, and is scared to tell her boyfriend, who’s moving home soon and also may be married. We help her craft a message to tell him. Our second caller’s friend is moving to another country soon, and she’s debating whether to tell him she has feelings. We encourage her to reach out and confess her feelings before it’s too late. Our final caller’s boyfriend was having an emotional affair with his cousin. We compose the perfect break-up text to end things.  “You’re a Jedi Knight when it comes to avoiding.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: HelloFresh - Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/50viall and use code 50viall for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months!  Drizly - Download the Drizly app or go to https://Drizly.com.  IQ Bar - Get 20% off all IQBAR products, plus free shipping by texting FILES to 64000.  Blueland - Right now, get 15% off your first order by going to https://www.Blueland.com/VIALL.    Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vials ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of ali and and Genevieve. How's it going ladies? What's new? I feel like we're at like a puppet show or a lemonade stand in the way that we're sitting like this. I don't know. What do you mean? I just feel like we're like a puppet show or a lemonade stand. Those are like two very different things. No. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know. Just letting everybody know how I'm feeling. You're literally sitting exactly how you're sitting every episode. Correct. It's after Labor Day and we're both wearing white.

But it's white pants and white shoes. And we're wearing white on top. Okay, I'm wearing a white skirt and white shirt. I'm wearing a white dress. Okay. I think it's fine. Nick's wearing white. Oh, my God.

We're all kind of matching. We have a great... I'm super excited about this episode uh y'all you'll know this episode it's like a little it just kind of like really worked out it's a little different because you're going to notice that every one of our calls it was very much a taxi office hours episode every every single call led with and something happening action was taken action was taken. Action was taken. And I really hope you guys enjoy this episode.

And my hope is that this episode will inspire other people who might be listening who need maybe a little help to shoot a shot or to break up with someone. We're here to help you break up with whoever you need to break up with. I just really want you guys to know that. We are here.

We'll call. You know, we're certainly happy to draft a text. But listen to this episode, and I hope it inspires you. My hope is that we'll have more calls like this that have a little bit more urgency around things like... Active situation. Active situations. Oh, my God.

We should be using that for the episodes. Yes. Yes. So for those of you who don't know, on our episodes of Better Day to Never,

we call people who call in because it's like a live show. If they're on their way to the date or you're just coming home from a date and need some immediate advice, we call those active situations.

We have like a jingle for it. Do we? I have yet to hear it. Oh yes! Can we play it right now have yet to hear it. Oh, yes. Can we play it right now? Derek's coming in. Derek heard us. I need an active situation.

What is... It's really good. It's really good. You're going to love it. Oh, my God. We're about to hear it now. Derek, how long have you been working on this? I mean, it took two weeks.

Two weeks? Not straight, but it took some time. It took some self-reflection. Nothing else has gotten done. Well, I just realized I spent a lot of money on this. Yeah. Not two weeks straight, but it took some time. It took some self-reflection. Well, I just realized I spent a lot of money on this. Not two weeks straight, but it took some time thinking resources. Derek's last paycheck was just labeled active situation. Just this.

We have an active situation. Yes, I love it. It's really good. And that was Derek. Good job, Derek. That was Derek talking. No, I love it. It's really good. And that was Derek. Good job, Derek. That was Derek talking. No, I know.

So we have a lot of active situations where the people call. I don't think they anticipated that they were in an active situation. No, some of them were even a little hesitant. Yeah. But we convinced them. We convinced them that they needed to break up with someone immediately.

Yeah. And some people got some unexpected message. We even got responses in the middle of the episode. Wild stuff. So anyways, I hope you all enjoy this kind of action-packed episode. Three back-to-back-to-back active situations.

I should make an email label for active situations. And if you are listening to this episode and you feel inspired, and that inspiration can come in the form of like, maybe you don't, you want to shoot your shot, obviously with someone we're here to help.

But more importantly, if you want to like break up with someone, we're here to help. And if you need an active breakup situation and maybe you don't know if you're in an active situation,

but you think you might be in an active situation, let us know. If you need us to reach out to really anyone or need help to craft attacks, we're here to help in your active situation, let us know. If you need us to reach out to really anyone or need help to craft attacks, we're here to help in your active situation. I'm really excited about this

episode. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. Wouldn't it be fun if the show one day evolves to us going to a coffee shop? Breaking up with them. Nick breaks up with them. Oh, we put Nick in a van.

We're driving around the city. Like, hey, can we meet for coffee? And then I sit down instead. It's you. Hey, listen, it's not Becky. It's you. What did you expect, Brian? You weren't making her a priority.

Look at these texts that I have. What were you thinking when you sent her this? This would be genius. And then we film it. So very excited. I hope that you guys enjoyed this episode as much as we enjoyed making it.

And if it inspires any of you, we hope we get more of these calls going forward. Just really just happened organically and we, and it just really was a fun day recording. Have we got any updates

from our active situations? I was in a silly, goofy mood. We do. We we got any updates from our active situations? I was in a silly, goofy mood. We do. We even have some updates. Amazing. That's a good reminder to tell you that we have a bunch of update specials available to you behind Vile Files Plus. I think there's like 12 or 13 update specials on Vile Files Plus.

So if you've been enjoying our update classics that have been jumping once a month on Vile Files Classic, while you are sorely missing out you are way behind the eight ball with all the potential updates that are available to you so just go to vile files.com just sign up for vile files plus it's seven day free trial i got a question for you you know how people always talk about like i got invited to a wedding or a family event and i'm always like being invited to a family event i think is a little overrated when it comes to trying to find the meaning if they like you you know type of thing it's like oh they invited me to a wedding or they invited me to like a family function and i'm here

to say that's not necessarily a big deal really however okay if there is a family photo of any kind oh get them out of there do you know what i'm talking about yeah but if you're included that's a sign well no you take one with them and then you take many without in the past couple months i went to an event okay and there was a group photo and so in someone brought a a recent significant other and they're in the photo to which i thought they better fucking get married i don't think they're going to but what do you know you know what i'm talking about i can't tell you how many fucking baptismal photos my family has with fucking exes in it where because it was like our siblings always wanted to feel like well but so and so should be in the photo because absolutely not i'm like fuck all right here we go

they take the photo they're there to take the photo right they're the spare person in that also if they're gonna be in a photo you put them on the end that's what my uncle did at his wedding with my dad and he was like lois this guy in your life put him on the end the person wasn't even hesitant they inserted themselves in the photo and then i said to one of the people whose photos it was so to speak like the main characters of the photo i don't like my fucking fucking getting married and they're like fuck yeah they better that's hilarious so what would you say in that situation if you had a sibling for example or a friend who was really excited about their new boo. So much so that they were like,

we're going to be together forever. And then they, let's all take a group photo. Yay. And then said newbie was in the group photo and you knew deep down, if this doesn't fucking work out, this photo is fucking useless. Well, what we do is we have just family

photos and then like in the process of photos we'll say okay boyfriends for this one or we'll be like okay bye boyfriends so they all come in and they all go out you have multiple versions yeah well in this particular instance everyone else was more of an established pairing and you didn't get a photo without this person. There's no duplicate. No, because it wasn't like, all right, let's exclude the one fucking person who we're pretty sure... Isn't going to be here next year. Yeah.

Yeah, it's hard when it's just the one. I think it's on the... I agree with Genevieve. It's on that person to kind of take the role of, I'll take the picture. I'll step out. Is it a red flag? A little bit. A little bit.

And I've watched so many people in my family handle it very well of when they are the new boyfriend or, for example, when they're the girlfriend after maybe a spouse has passed away. I've watched people really step up to the plate of, no, you guys just do this. Or I'll take the photo photo or no worries about me. That's the right thing to do. Yeah, for sure. Because if you feel comfortable in your like place in the family

and like your relationship, then why would you feel the need? You don't need to prove it. Exactly. Yeah. But I feel like if you're more, you know, on the rocks. You actually prove yourself more by taking a backseat. Exactly. Just confidence. I would love to hear in the comments if you actually prove yourself more by taking a back seat exactly exactly just

confidence i would love to hear in the comments if you guys have had experienced a an awkward photo situation where someone didn't really belong but inserted themselves but it's hard to like tell them they don't belong i think it's also it would be one thing you always want to be in the position where everyone's going no please come like be in the photo as opposed to you inserting yourself and everyone's silently thinking oh that's gonna be awkward i mean even like up until somewhat recently even like with natalie's family i i may i let them include me you know it's like oh you know nick get in here kind of thing i don't just assume that i want to they want me in a photo yeah i saw this tiktok that was like i'm super tall and i only

ever date short girls because if we break up then i can keep the photos because they can just crop oh my god it's just her next to a random suit jacket or just his head by itself. Genius. Really genius. Well, I had a question on the topic of like exes. Like, what do you guys think about recycling activities or like trips with exes? Like, do you think that you should only do new experiences with an ex? Or like, do you think you're allowed to travel to the same place that you did with an ex because we have a writer inner who has a very strong opinion about it let's hear it i

always like how we say writer inner and not just writer but they wrote in yeah what would you we have a writer but that's not we have a caller we have a listener we have a writer but like i feel like the writer and i say this is a published author um but yeah the word writer implies like a skill set yeah and sending an email is not one of those skills yeah okay because writer implies like they wrote us a novel whereas this is like an autobiography if they're like a writer dear writer grabberly go anyways what does our writer inner have to say current dilemma i'm facing with my ego how petty is it to not want to travel anywhere your current partner has been with an ex my husband and i are currently trying to plan our big yearly vacation yeah okay not even boyfriend yeah they have committed to each other he's way more cultured and traveling than i am he's been to a lot of

European destinations. A few suggestions for our trip, whether it's been from him or family, are places he's already visited with an ex. My immediate instinct is fuck no, I'm not reliving a romantic getaway you've already had. Of course, I didn't outwardly say this to him. I just responded in a noncommittal, hmm, maybe. I know there are endless options to go around the world, so picking another spot really shouldn't be an issue, and I know it's 100% my ego that's speaking here. Okay, good. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm way overthinking it, or is this valid?

The fact that they're married, I think, is significant. Because if this person wrote in and said, hey, I just met this great person, and we're a couple months in, and we're planning our first big trip together. And we just happened to talk about past trips and I realized this is the same place that he went with his past girlfriend that he dated for five years. I can understand why that might feel a little icky. You don't feel necessarily on solid ground

with this relationship. There's more questions than answers. And so, like, that makes sense. This is your husband. And the fact that you are giving so much power to these past relationships should be beneath you. Like, these are fucking girls he dated. You're his wife. so like you're letting these girls he dated basically called dibs on these what i'm assuming are wonderful cities that you haven't been to and if you don't want to fucking go don't go if you have no interest in these places but really you're not going to go to fucking Hawaii because he went with Jill a couple years ago.

Like you're his wife, you know? And I just feel like, why don't you go ahead and make new memories and stop giving these relationships that don't exist anymore so much power over you? Because that's what it is. You know, it's your ego getting in the way. And as a result, you're kind of reliving his past relationships in your mind. That's essentially what you're doing. Yeah.

I mean, it's fair to not like want to reuse the itinerary that they use, like stay in the same hotels. Yeah. I think that would be a little weird, but like, you don't need to let Jill ruin Paris. You don't have to recreate the weekend that they had,

but yeah. Like, it's like, well, I guess you don't get to, you're married. We went on, don't get to your marriage we went on don't get to go to paris for the rest of my fucking life yeah yeah they're trying to like

take the photos in the exact same so if i see it correctly from this angle we were actually over there and it was a beautiful sunset but there is like there's this thing we all do in relationships where you want to like erase everything like their history before you you know erase it by like making their memory of paris or whatever city it is about you memory yeah and not them again you're their wife and i really hope that means a lot and i really hope that as his wife and he's promised to spend the rest of his life with you, that you wouldn't be so bogged down by the memory of a relationship he didn't want to be in anymore and didn't want to marry her and didn't want to commit to her. They didn't want to commit to her. And you're suggesting by not wanting to go there that the reasons he wants to go there has something to do with her. That's what your ego is implying.

That's what your ego is afraid of. When you say it's your ego, your ego is thinking, well, if he wants to go there, it must be because of her. And that's where that pettiness comes in. It is like that olivia rodrigo song deja vu like i wonder i wonder i want to hear josh's response to that song yeah like yeah i do or like oh no i literally never even thought to have deja vu about that i don't know if i've ever like fully repeated a date i've definitely done that with like friends if i'm like great this restaurant's by this bar, and then we'll do this. I have routines. Yeah.

Sure. But not. Yeah. And if you guys had a favorite restaurant, maybe don't go there. I'm assuming in this story, he went to the Dominican Republic once with his ex-girlfriend and then went to Paris or whatever. These kind of touristy type of cities. And they just went there.

And that's immediately off limits now, you know? But yes, if they had some sort of like ceremony. Ceremony? I mean, like, for example, Natalie and I met in New York. New York has played a significant role in our relationship. We've made it a thing going to New York. We go back to New York. It's fucking New York.

And now granted, we're engaged and we're having a kid together and you know, hopefully we work out forever. But like God forbid we don't, but we're never going to New York. It's New York. Ever again? You can't do that. Well that's the thing, the difference would be like you guys going to

New York versus you guys taking someone else through your exact stops. And like, this is the hotel we're going to stay at. And then we're going to go to this restaurant and we're going to walk here. Yeah. But you're right. There are many other destination places that you could go to. You just have to ask yourself, how much are you making it about that? And how much power are you giving these girls that your husband used to date? How much do you want to let your ego make you feel insecure about that?

And you going and not making it a thing and having a great time with your husband and making new memories and not worrying about constantly the whole trip, did you go here with her? Like, that's the way you should do it when you think about people when you give them time and energy that's you giving them their power and they may be completely unaware of it but like you're you're thinking about them why are you thinking about your partner's exes you're he's your husband that's my two cents but anyways if you want to break up with him because he went on so many, we are here to help with active situations. Remember that. And to send in your active

situations or just general questions, texting office hours, mediations, all of the above, make sure to email us at asknickatthevilefiles.com. We got a great week lined up for you. We have a couple of couples from the Ultimaten season two. We got Roxanne and Antonio. We have a couple of couples from the Ultimate in Season 2. We got Roxanne and Antonio. We got Kat and Alex. Should be dramatic. Can't wait to bring that episode to y'all and then get ready for

a Going Deeper. You get to go deeper with Tyler Cameron. What more can you ask for? It's everyone's dream. Everyone's dream is to get deep with Tyler. Well, we will be getting deep with him and you can join in on the fun. That's this Thursday. So wild, wild week lined up for y'all. Can't wait to bring it to you.

Be sure to check out Vile Files Plus. Let's get to our active situations. I hope you enjoy as much as we enjoyed it. Thanks. Bye. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

Good. My name's Emily. I'm 30 years old. And I've been seeing this guy who actually just got me pregnant. And I don't know how to tell him because he's moving back home to a different country. Okay. Well, first of all, congratulations. Thank you. I don't know. Are we happy? How do you feel about the pregnancy? I guess. Um, I'm excited. I'm just like scared. Like it's hard to be excited for something that like really affects someone else. Yeah. And this guy you've been seeing, is this like, what's, what's your relationship status? Is it just some guy you've been seeing, is this like, what's your relationship status? Is it just some guy you've been hooking up with?

We're kind of serious, but like, so he's here for work. And I've known that from the start. Like, we met back in April. And it's just been like known between the two of us. Like, okay, I'm here for work. I will be going back to my home country at the end of my contract. So it was like a fairy tale. Like it's been perfect. Got it.

So before you found out you're pregnant, like let's assume you weren't pregnant. What would, where would you two be? Like exclusive. It's not like, I don't know. We did.

We're not like boyfriend and girlfriend. Cause he's going to leave anyway. When is he planning on leaving? The end of the year. Okay. So before you found out you're pregnant, it was like, we're just going to fuck around and kind of not fuck other people. But at the end of the year, he's going to move back to his home country.

And then you're going to what? Not just move on? Yeah. Unless he decides to come back next year, which isn't certain. Next what? Like, and why is he here?

Like next season. Season for what? Like farming. Okay. How did you meet this guy? At a bar. At a bar. And he's just,

he's just here farming. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I live in the midwest so i'm quite far from where he's from okay oh my i adore him i think he's the best and before you finally got pregnant again like had there been any conversations about exploring an actual serious relationship like why are you guys exclusive if eventually he's moving back to a different country and you have no idea if he's ever coming back oh that's a good question um i don't know we both like actually really like each other i that's great didn't start out like i don't

think we thought it was gonna go anywhere and then now it's gone well way way farther than i ever even imagined like i can't even believe this is happening. Like, I've had a couple of weeks to process. The pregnancy or just like him? Getting pregnant. Yeah. Well, both. But like the pregnancy.

I mean, the pregnancy is obviously the main thing we're addressing. I get that. But I'm just trying to understand the relationship and your expectations of what this relationship is or isn't. If I were talking to him, because he doesn't know you're pregnant right now, right? I'm trying to figure out like what he thinks this relationship is or isn't. Because, you know, you speak very highly of him. You speak very highly of the relationship, you know, but it also doesn't sound like it's actually a relationship. Like, do you know how he feels about you? Are you confident in that?

Yeah, I am confident in that. You are. And how does he feel about you? you confident in that yeah i am confident in that you are and how does he feel about you well i think he really likes me i think he really cares about me okay that's that's amazing i also i'm scared he might have like a wife you think he has something down there what makes what makes you think that so we spend a lot of time together like every weekend together and um he has someone that calls and when they call, it's not, they just call like one time. It's like, I'll call again and again and again and again, like 10 times in a row. I just don't know who else would be calling

that many times in a row. Have you asked him? No, I ignore it. I know that's my own fault, but I literally like we'll be sitting there and I'll hear it ring every time and he'll silence it. And I'll just like go on with the conversation. Like I heard nothing. Yeah, you're right. He's probably married or has a girlfriend. Who else would call 10 times over and over or multiple texts if they didn't think they had the right to. Unless he has a stalker. I guess that's always an option. But what's more likely?

That he has some random stalker that just can't seem to let him go because he's so wonderful. Or he's a seasonal worker who's driven up to the Midwest to do some farming and sending money to his family. Yeah, that's super accurate. Yeah. So clearly you're not necessarily good at communication. Yeah, that is very true. Yes, you are right. You know what you need to do. You have to tell him. But it's good that you're preparing yourself for the fact that if he is in a relationship, so you don't even know if he has kids.

What do you know about this guy? I do. I do know that. I know he has two kids. He has two kids. Who did he have kids with? Well, that I don't know. They're two different people.

I know that. Okay. So what you do know is that this wonderful guy has kids with two different people. Why are you asking these questions? You can't possibly know him because you don't ask him questions. Well, I think I might get scared to know the answer. Well, that should tell you something. And listen, you seem like a really sweet person and you're pregnant and I'm not trying to come down on you too hard here because I just

want you to like, take care of yourself and the baby. But like, if we're right with our fears that he's in a relationship and has kids and like, you know, that's also on you too. You know, like you don't get to just play the like, well, I didn't know card and naive. You're allowing this to happen and you're pretending it's not. And that's on you, you know, and that's a reflection of your character. Because despite this very sweet and endearing smile that you have, and you seem like a really nice and sweet person, you know the difference between right and wrong. And this is a little bit of selfishness on your part to say, well, I like him. We have a good thing. I just don't want to know what's going on in his world because I enjoy his company. And so even though his wife's blowing up and we're

sitting next to each other watching a rom-com together, I'm just going to pretend that this isn't happening. Oh, this sounds horrible when you say it like that. Well, you know, you have to face some reality here because you've been living in a little bit of delusion. You're right. Yeah. Well, the good news is you are, you did get pregnant by a man who seems to be willing to like go work for his family you know yes that's true yeah the main reason i think i'm scared to tell him is because i think well just like basically what you've been saying is i don't want things to change so like i don't want to communicate anything. Yeah. But unfortunately things kind of have changed. I know. I know. I know.

Do you feel prepared to be a single mom? Yeah. I know my, like my family and like my friends, like they're going to be so, so excited. Like I, I will have like a great support system. Like. That's amazing. No matter what. So, you know, maybe this is just a blessing that you get to be a mom. Have you always wanted to be a mom? I have, yeah.

All right. So congratulations. That's incredible. I don't know if this guy is going to step up, but listen, you got to tell him. You got to communicate. And there's no, I don't know, there's no magic way. You're just going to sit him down and be like, I'm pregnant. And you're the father.

I'm going to go ahead and guess that not much is going to change. You might have to prepare yourself for a conversation of him suggesting that you maybe not go through with the pregnancy. More than anything, I want you to be confident in your decision and what you want to do with this pregnancy before you communicate with him, because you're not in a relationship with this guy. You don't even know who this guy is. He is a stranger. He's a stranger to you because you've allowed him to be a stranger to you because you refuse to ask very basic questions. And since you're not asking questions, what you are doing is inserting your ideal version of him in your head. You have come up with a story of who

he is. And instead of asking him tough questions, you're like, I don't know, I'll just imagine he's someone different. And so I just want you to be confident in that decision before you tell him, because you don't really owe him anything other than you need to tell him. But you don't owe him anything other than just telling him, I guess. tell him, but you don't owe him anything other than just telling him, I guess. And then hopefully he steps up and wants to do the right thing and be involved. But yeah, I think you're right. Let me ask you this. Like, are you planning on no matter what having this baby? Yes. Okay, great. So how do we want to tell him? Oh God. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to, but I know I do. You do. No, we know this.

We know that you love, and I say this with love, avoiding reality and living in delusion. Yeah. Wow. Yes, that's true. Again, I'm glad that you're happy and I'm glad that you get to be a mom, but this is a crazy situation that thank God you are feeling the way you're feeling about this and thank God that you're seeing this as a positive and thank God the worst thing that happened is you got to be a mom because you being so willing to not ask the obvious questions

and then inserting your own kind of delusion and escaping reality is very dangerous for you. And you really need to work on that. Yeah. Just fucking text them. I'm pregnant. I mean, I don't know. Do you like you're not in a relationship. This is not some sort of happy union.

This is not like you two have been talking about getting pregnant. And now you're going to like have him come home and light some candles and like hide the pregnancy results and be like surprise we're pregnant like that's not the situation you got yourself in so i don't think you need to do some sort of like big gesture you're just like hit him with the fucking truth i'm pregnant would that take off some anxiety too of like feeling like you have to kind of almost brace for impact or plan how you're gonna say it or sit him down like what is the easiest thing for you to do just shoot off a text with the results this is not a drill um i don't know maybe it's best because i was like i want to know his like initial reaction but maybe i don't want to know that we're gonna text him

right now that's what we're gonna do because i don't know i can't to know that. We're going to text him right now. That's what we're going to do because I don't think you're going to do it anytime soon. Yeah. I was supposed to do it last weekend. No, let's just do it right now. We're not going to get off the phone. Oh my, no, I can't. I can't. Why can't you? Text him. Why? I just feel like I'd rather tell him in person.

Would you be comfortable saying like, I have something I really need to talk to you about. When can I see you? Yes. But we're not going to let you get off the phone. I mean, you can hang up, but until you at least let him know that there's something to be talked about so that you to hold yourself accountable. I need you to understand just how, and again, I say this with love, how nuts it was for you to sit next to a guy that you are in this relationship with and have his, what we now assume is wife, girlfriend, or two baby mamas or whatever it is, to blow him up and you just pretend it's not happening is delusion. You're a Jedi Knight when it comes to avoiding this shit i have every confidence the

world your ability to make excuses for yourself and not bringing up and and tell yourself why it just wasn't the right time and yada yada yada you need help you need someone like us or something like a whatever to just to pull that band-aid off and And if that band-aid isn't, I'm pregnant, it's, hey, when are you available to talk? I have some really important news to share with you. Because then when you do see him, if you're not brave enough to bring it up, he will. Yes. He will. Yeah.

Oh, boy. And then you'll have to decide whether you're going to lie to him and make up some story or just fucking tell him. I'm not a good liar. That's good whip out that phone and text him when are you free to talk i have some very important news to share but we already have plans on saturday at least then he knows on saturday that you have to talk about this i want him to stop what he's doing and come over and force you to tell him this is a big moment in your life. Yeah, it is.

Huge. No, I'm not even like the fact that you're pregnant. It's like one of the scariest things I've done. Totally. Yes. But like. Having to tell him. Oh, absolutely.

But like, I can't stress enough how lucky you are that this is the situation you find yourself in because it could be much, much worse. Your ability and willingness to avoid reality and lie to yourself and live in this delusion is problematic. And it's going to hurt a lot of people, including yourself. Yeah, it does. And you are lucky that right now, all that has happened is you've been gifted the miracle of having a baby and knowing that, and with the fact that you've always wanted to be a mother and the fact that regardless of what he does, you have a loving family where you feel safe and supported because you're incredibly lucky to have that. And your continuation on this behavior is going to lead to you putting yourself

and the people you love, and that's going to include your child in nine months, and you're going to put them and yourself in problematic situations by continuing this behavior. So now that you are an expecting mother, you're not just doing this for yourself. You're doing this for you and your child and all the people around you. And you're not going to solve this problem by sending a text. I highly encourage you to seek out therapy and talk to your therapist and say, I do this thing I really want to work on. Can we talk about why I do this? Probably some attachment style, avoid it, sounds like it. But either way, this is something that you're going to have to really work on because it's clearly not easy for you okay so

i just need to text him and let him know let's do it right now let's do it right now holy shit it's gonna be okay i promise uh when are you free to talk i know we have plans but are you available beforehand i have something serious i need to talk to you about yes i'm having a hard time even typing okay this should not be this hard for me. It's okay. It's a big thing. Yeah. It's scary.

I can't imagine anything that would be harder for me than like navigating something so unknown and new. Like that's really difficult. And like, I think you'll do it and you'll get through it. And I think I really think like this will be like a call to action of like taking care of yourself in new ways, because it's like developing yourself as a role model starts now go ahead send yes yes can we see it can we see the text there we go all right amazing good job good job holy shit we're so proud of you i could cry that. That's a lot. Let it out. Also, maybe after you get out this car, like cry.

What scares you the most? Well, now that you've called me out on everything, I, I didn't want to tell him because like, like you said, I've literally been living in delusion and I wasn't, I'm not ready to leave that yet. So. Well, you're pregnant. Yeah. And it's time for you to not, you know. Well, I'm not in delusion about that.

But like, let's just think practically. Like, what's the worst that can happen? He gets upset. He asks you to have an abortion and you don't want one the worst thing that can happen is like instead of having sex with this guy off and on for the next four months before he goes back home you lose that because he handles himself in a way that is not what we want but i don't actually see him doing that i i don't know how he's going to react in the short term, but I expect him to be around. I don't expect him necessarily always to be honest because

he's... I don't know. I don't know. You don't ask him any questions. I don't know what he's going to say. No, yeah, I don't. I just live in the moment. Who have you talked to about this? I have one friend that I've told everything to. Just one? Yeah, so far.

What about mom and dad? Not yet. I didn't want to tell anyone before I told him. Why? Just out of respect, I guess. I guess. But you're not even confident in his reaction. Yeah. And as of now, right now,

we're not even expecting him to raise this kid. We're expecting you and your support system to raise this kid. True. Listen, whatever you're comfortable with, I just want you to feel like you have a community and I want you to feel safe and I want you to feel supported. And whoever that is, that is going to support you. I want you to not feel alone because you must feel so alone right now. You have this one friend. If it's not going to be him, I want people checking in on you, asking how you're doing, giving you the love that you deserve. So whoever that is, tell them. Yeah, don't tell the world.

It is early, but this is clearly going to be on your mind and it's going to be consuming you. And you don't want to lie to people why you're so consumed. And if these are people that you are confident are going to be there for you, then you should be able to tell them. Yeah, that's true. Have low expectations of him. I don't, you know, because we just, we don't know. We don't know anything about him and you don't know anything about him and you don't know how he's going to handle this. I wouldn't be shocked if he doesn't respond today or takes all day. You've never ever asked him for anything. Yeah.

I don't think you really are waiting to tell him in person. That's just a way to avoid doing it. As difficult as it was, it was pretty easy for you to send that text. It's 10 times harder to have him show up and be like, hey, because he's going to show up and you're going to go into your routine your routine of like him just pretend you know like what are we doing today and just living in the moment and pretending nothing is going on and it's gonna be very easy for you to be like now it's not the right time oh he just texted me oh what did he say he just said okay okay that was it what excuse me sir what did you ask a question oh responded again. He said, we will work something out and make time. Okay.

Okay. But like, I would say... I know we're both working a lot, but I have to talk to you about something important. Okay. Now reply with... When are you free? Thank you. But it is really important.

But when are you for sure... Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, I'm having a heart attack. Oh, God, me too. What do you say? What do you say? If it's so important, we don't have to wait. I can go there tonight.

Yes. Yes. Holy shit. That's a good sign. This is good. Yeah, I like it. Holy shit. You asked something direct and here he is stepping up.

See, there we go. One thing that my friend said, my friend that knows, she said, of anyone that's going to happen to you with, this is the best person it could have happened with. So I don't know if she's right or wrong. Yeah, we don't know. We don't know. But everything you do know about this guy, you like. He treats you well. You know, he seems nice. Like, I wish you would ask more questions about him. He's definitely a cheater. But I don't know, maybe. What if I'm wrong? That's the thing. You don't know. You need to start asking these questions.

Yeah. If you tell them, that's just a big first step and congratulations. But if you can, now would be also a great time to be like, can I ask you a question? And like, honestly, like I'm already assuming the worst. Don't like accuse them, but just say like, who's blowing you up? Because I'm assuming you have a wife. And if you do do it's fine again i'm fully prepared to like raise this kid on my own i have my support system i want you to be involved i think you're the greatest guy in the world but like i'm very scared and i'm very confused and what do you think also yeah i what if we have you responded yet not yet um but i will i'll i'll i i would make it work for tonight

great and i would can you send him a text right now and say thank you for making the time to be honest i'm i'm really nervous for this conversation or i'm scared why do you think i should say that because you are and you're being honest about how you feel then then we're both feeling nervous like do i want him to be nervous too i don't care should i not care i don't know maybe i care too much you're just being honest with your feelings and you're pregnant and you have the right to be nervous and scared and you shouldn't have to do this alone so god forbid he's a little anxious all day and if that bothers him he can call you up and be like what's going on? And you can fucking tell him over the phone.

Yeah, true. Like, I always feel like I'm the person who can handle anything. So I always worry so much about how the other person feels. This guy has left his home to work seasonally. This guy can handle. He's already a parent of two kids. You know, he has experience you don't so let's text him thank you for making this a priority to be honest uh i'm a little

scared to have this conversation okay i just said thank you i'm a little scared i'll see you tonight okay that's fine no no okay perfect that's fine oh okay well it's like gonna be okay honestly i probably wouldn't have done it no we know if i wasn't pushed to do it like you i honestly wouldn't have been shocked if you like didn't tell him until you were showing yeah the only thing that's been like really hard is like hiding that i can't drink so eventually he would have like caught on i think there's a really good i mean i again unless he's like some asshole about it and just a prick and who knows because certainly guys can be that way but it sounds like you think he's a pretty good guy i'm optimistic that you're gonna feel a lot better

after you tell him and hopefully when you do you know remember that that like this like just get to the truth it's exhausting to live in denial it's exhausting to lie to yourself well just the way he responded to those texts that that also made me feel a little bit more at ease good so oh okay just fucking tell him you know and then after you tell, maybe tell mom and dad or a few more friends. I just want you to feel taken care of. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. And be excited, you know, get to the place, tell whoever you need to tell so that you

can enjoy being a mom and you can feel good about being pregnant, whether it's as a single mom or with this guy or whatever. But right now your, your energy is going to like, do I tell him? What do I do? And that's taking up your energy. It's energy that you should be investing in you and your child. Yeah. And again, it's not just you you're taking care of anymore.

It's your kids. So, let's start now. Okay. All right. Well, he will know tonight because I know he's going to show up. Please keep us posted. He's instantly going to want to know. Yes.

Send us an email tomorrow. Send us an email tomorrow. Okay. Sounds good. Well, thank you so much. We're proud of you. It's not easy. This was huge.

Yes, it was very huge. So we're really proud of you. This is a big step. I'm glad that you're willing to listen to this tough love because, again, I feel strongly that you got lucky with this outcome. because again, I feel strongly that you got lucky with this outcome. As scary as I'm sure it is, that it could have been worse. And if you don't address this willingness to avoid basic questions and conversations

and just live in a lie, it's going to affect you. You're not going to be as lucky in the future. And you are risking not only hurting yourself, but the people you love. And that's going to eventually include your child. So take it seriously. Thank your lucky stars that this is the outcome that you're dealing with now. Look into therapy, address this issue and move forward and enjoy being a mom. Thank you so much. All right. We can't wait for an update. Congratulations. Thank you.

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I'm 22, and I found out that my boyfriend was having an emotional affair with his cousin. Okay. So you already know? Yes. Okay. We're not even wondering with his cousin. Okay. So you already know? Yes. Okay. We're not even wondering. And cousin? Yeah. So even after I found out, he still was saying that it was his cousin, but then later he clarified that they were raised as cousins and that they're not actually blood related.

What does that mean? Is this like, I grew up with family friends and we called them aunt and uncle, even though they were just family friends. I think that's exactly what it is. I don't really know the dynamic. I've obviously never met her. She lives in a different state, but it's in his hometown where all of his family lives. So I think that, yeah, just like one of those family friends that you call your cousin, who's not really your cousin. How did you find out? Because it sounds like he was like, I had an emotional affair with my cousin. And then did he lead with that? No. So I found out on my own because I had seen in his Snapchat best friends list a girl's name. And I asked who it was. And he said it was his cousin. But then the next day,

I just had this gut feeling. So I had asked to see his phone. said it was his cousin. But then the next day I just had this like gut feeling. So I had asked to see his phone. I went into his texts. I went into the recently deleted and I saw her name and I thought to myself, you know, if this is your cousin, why are you deleting your text with her? So I opened them up and just like immediately I knew and then I read through all of them.

So there were no secrets. Cousin was the cover. Cousin was the cover. Yeah. So he was like hey i used to call her my cousin when we were kids he clearly doesn't see her that way but when you call him out he's like oh it's my cousin thinking that you would be like oh there's just no way he's fucking his cousin yeah well so he kept trying to go with that and i was trying to tell him i was

like that's worse if you're saying that this is your cousin, that's worse because that's gross. If it's your cousin and you're talking to her this way. What was he saying? What was going on? Like, what's the worst of it? The worst of it, I would say is when she asked about me and said, you know, like, what about your girlfriend? And he was like, oh yeah, she's around. And she said, he's, she said, define that. And he said, like, we're still actively dating. And she was like, okay, well, you know, I just want to be respectful said like we're still actively dating and she was like okay well you know i just want to be respectful obviously we're flirting and i don't want to overstep any boundaries and he was like no it goes both ways like don't even worry about it we have to have conversations like this like they're important that i thought was the worst even over like the sexual and like

explicit things that were obviously like inappropriate what were those just like gross things like they were talking about seafood and stuff and she goes oh i only take one kind of raw meat and he was like oh lord like just it's just so gross to even think about and then they were it calling her like sexting is like always gross and weird to everyone listening or reading it other than the two people involved yeah I have the

yeah like so embarrassing it's just it's just kind of funny I mean it's not funny for you but it's just in that moment when I was reading it I was like how is she not embarrassed like saying this well have you ever sexted with anyone? Yeah.

You know, I imagine you'd be horrified if you went back. I get horrified when I go back three months and read a caption on Instagram. Now imagine going back and rereading sexting messages. With your cousin. Sure. With your cousin. So all jokes aside, where are you at right now?

Like, I mean, this is a fascinating story and I'm sorry, you're going through this, but like what, how can we help? I guess at first I was wondering if I should, you know,

give him another chance. And I do kind of want to. So I guess the advice I need is like, do you think that someone can work past something like this? And if there's a way to really build back trust, obviously it was like a big ego hit for me. So I don't know if I can like overcome it, so to speak. Well, can people get through this? Sure. Anything's possible. People have gotten through worse, but how did he respond to you finding out? So his response was a lot different. There have been a lot of lies in him doing things behind my back throughout the relationship. And usually he's just immediately

defensive, even blames me or just like doesn't think he's done anything wrong. But as soon as I found out and confronted him, he immediately was like apologetic, remorseful. Like I could tell that he was really, truly disgusted with himself. But then it's like, are you just sorry that you were caught though? Or are you just sorry that you were caught, though? Or are you actually sorry that you did it? And what are these other examples of him lying? There's been a lot of like just hanging out with girls behind my back and going over to their house, like nothing inappropriate that I know of. But if you feel the need to lie about it, I think that clearly that means there's something

inappropriate to the relationship. If you can't feel comfortable telling your girlfriend what you're doing. Yeah. I mean, where there's smoke, there's usually fire. And what's your confidence level that you know the full truth? 70%. Are you being generous? Gun to your head. Your life's on the line and you have to say yes or no, whether you there's more to his story or, you know, everything and your life is literally dependent on it. What do you say? Yeah. I'd say I'm not confident, confident at all. Cause even afterwards, I, like I said, in the moment,

I said now is the time for you to come clean about like anything else that you're hiding. If you need to confess anything else, like if we're going to rebuild, we need to start with like a fresh canvas you need to be honest with me he said that he had told me everything a couple days later i found out that he had been hanging out with another girl behind my back there you go so how long have you been how old is he he is 22 we are only two days apart okay so maybe you know it doesn't sound like he's just ready to be in a relationship. He likes having a girlfriend, but doesn't want to be a boyfriend.

Yeah. Yes. Can people get through this? Sure. But they really have to be committed to it. Therapy, individual therapy, couples therapy. And I honestly, just as a 22 year old guy who it sounds like he just kind of wants to like fuck around and date.

year old guy who it sounds like he just kind of wants to like fuck around and date and and that honestly like at this day and age is more common than being a committed like are you trying to get married in a year or two no okay how long you been dating him uh two years okay i just think while people can get through this i just feel like maybe you both as individuals and this relationship might not be ready for the type of work that would be required to make this work. Right. Sounds like

he just has some general growing up to do. I agree. You might just be better off letting him grow up on his own and revisiting this relationship in the future rather than like holding yourself emotionally hostage and then wondering if he's being honest. And then, you know, what usually happens is then you're going to be so invested in watching him or making

sure he's being honest that he's going to be doing not only what, and you're really not focusing on your own needs and what you want or exploring other options and seeing what's out there. That's definitely my biggest concern for if we stay together is that I'm always going to be worried about what he's doing. I'm going to be up till like 3 a.m. watching his location and making sure he's where he says he is. And I just I don't want to be in a relationship like that where I have to constantly be questioning my partner and like always worried if he's telling me the truth, because I

just don't think that I'll ever be able to trust him that he's being honest with me for a while at least. Yeah. And so when you break up with them, I think you should say something like, listen, I know you're not telling me everything and I'm not here to try to get you to tell everything. I'm just telling you, I know. And I just, I don't think you're ready to be a boyfriend. I just think we should break up. I never, I don't think I can trust you. He's going to fight tooth and nail and he's, you know, maybe he will come clean by you saying, I know I, you haven't told me everything. Cause clearly you said you did. Then I found out you didn't. And even if you are, I have no reason to believe you. So either one, he will come clean or two, he'll just, he'll get mad at you and be like, how could you do this? Or how could you not'll get mad at you and be like, how could you do this?

Or how could you not believe me? And you'd be like, well, is that a rhetorical question or do you want me to actually answer that? And like, the reason I can't believe you is because you have a pattern of lying. You don't have a pattern of telling me the truth. Yeah. I mean, like the messages you found were pretty damning. Yeah. Because there are people who can have affairs, right?

And they can know they're doing something fucked up. Maybe they're just, again, scratching some sort of trauma they had in the past or, you know, some validation. To your point, you know, worse than maybe if you found a couple of dudes they sent back and forth, he was like disrespecting you and your relationship and talking bad about you to someone else you know there are people who have affairs who they could sleep with so blood and then the person they're sleeping without an affair with could maybe talk shit about their partner and that partner would like actually like almost to their other person's surprise defend them he was talking bad about you and he was talking bad about your relationship and he was telling her that you don't matter and that you're not important and that you're not a priority. And I don't know how you come back from that because it's, if you caught him sending nudes or even found that he had slept with her and that's all you knew, like there's a world where, you know, maybe he's just like, I don't know.

I just, I need, I don't know why I do this. I feel like it's just physical and not that it would make you feel better in the, in the moment, but to, to know that he spoke bad about you, that he could have had an affair with someone else and never brought you up. Right. Because a lot of people have affairs with people they know they're in a relationship with. They just don't talk about it. You know,

there's two people who are like, you know, I mean, there's all different types of affairs. Hard for me to come back from what you found about how he talked about you and your relationship. Yeah. And he's going to the city that she lives in next week for a couple of

days. And he said, Oh, I'm just going to visit family. And I said, well, apparently she is your family so that doesn't really make me feel that much better i'm so and i realize like

i've just met you but i'm so fucking mad at this man and i feel very protective over you and like that is just unbelievably disrespectful like it's so bad it's so prison immediate prison like that is unacceptable that is so fucking shitty and like i and i get it's so easy to be outside of a relationship and to be like yep break up with him simple and then you're in it and you have all these memories and you know his family and like you like falling asleep in his arms all the things like i get it is totally different when you were like in a relationship to end it but like like that being said, like he is doing some shit that is just so unacceptable and not OK. And it makes me so concerned that like were you to stay in this relationship, like you'd be putting yourself through emotional hell and really at risk for like setting yourself

up for accepting way less than you deserve. Yeah. And something that one of my friends pointed out is that the behavior is escalating because at first it was just, you know, liking girls pictures on Instagram. Then it was hanging out with girls behind my back. And now it's like a virtual affair. The only thing to go up from there is a full blown, like physical affair. And that's just that, you know, yeah, that's just, you know, and like Nick always says, like, you can fuck up your life. Like, I think sometimes in situations like this, it's kind of important to like, scare the shit out of yourself and be like, you can fuck up your life. Like, I think sometimes in situations like this, it's kind of important to, like, scare the shit out of yourself and be like, you can fuck up your life. You can waste, like, really good years that you could be spending, like, with your friends,

getting to know yourself, with your family, like, giving so much emotional energy and attention to somebody who's, like, disrespecting you. Like, that can happen. Like, the stakes are real here. And so, like, do you feel like you are because at this point, it seems like you're pretty on the side of like breaking up is like the should. But do you think you will? I don't know. But to your point of like fucking up my life, it is my last year in college. And that's one of my biggest concerns. Like, am I going to waste the last year in college before I go off, you know, to get like a real big girl job? And this is my last time to be having fun, you know, going to football games, meeting people. And I feel like I'm going to be wasting it, being worried about what he's doing. Yeah, don't waste it. Don't literally don't waste it. If you're going in already thinking that it's just gonna you're just gonna keep confirming that

throughout the year. Every time you reach a milestone, you're going to probably be thinking, I could have gone to this with someone else, or I could have brought a friend, or I could have like some of my best experiences in college were not with a significant other. It was with my friends and the people who actually stayed with me into adulthood. Yeah. And most of my experience so far has been spent with him and his friends, because I really only have kind of one best friend out here because I met him right when I moved halfway across the country for school and just immediately started hanging out with him and immersing myself into his friend group.

I just don't want all of my memories from college to be of that because I just, I don't see longevity in our relationship. So I guess I think I am on the side of breaking up. I kind of was giving it time. My mom's coming today and three of my best friends from home are coming next week to kind of be here for me and oh my god just give me some outside perspective we've had a crazy day of uh getting people to make some very difficult choices while on the call with us i feel like we should break up with them right now together i think we should too your mom's on her way you have a support

system on their way the thing is do you think over text is the best way to this guy cheated on you i don't give a fuck what he deserves man is talking about raw meats with his cousin yeah how gross i can type up i can type up something and either text it to him what if we just go like we're broken up have fucking your cousin. I think we're all in agreement, right? That the healthy choice is, for all the reasons you just mentioned, is to break up. But you recognize that's just tough to do. You've been involved with this guy. So all we care about is you breaking free and being able to follow through with this difficult choice because it's hard to do.

That's our only priority, right? Our priority is not to do it in a way where things are amicable. That's not the priority. You know, he hasn't earned that from you. And so I don't think we should feel any guilt. I know the bottom line, like I deserve better. You come across as like fed up and tired and you just know the answer. You called us to get a little like emotion.

To get accountability. Yeah, support or whatever. tired and you just know the answer you called us to get a little like accountability yeah support whatever but like you know you're not confused by what you need to do and you don't even sound almost particularly sad about it you know and nor should you be you're gonna be sad and it's gonna be a process and you're gonna experience a lot of emotions but for all the reasons you just talked about you know the right you know what's the right thing for the relationship, for you, for your future.

You have all these reasons of what you don't want to regret, but you just need that push and there's just no better time than now and just, like you said, rip the bandaid off.

You have mom coming in. You got friends coming in. Keep you preoccupied to keep you busy, to get you out there. Like, let's just do it i think we should just broken up and block them oh my god well i agree why are we so why are we so worried about like

this fucking guy i'm not worried i just think we might need to like round it out a little bit more why one thing we both have a class on campus today at the same time oh let's wait until after the class what's he gonna do like raise hell at class no no no we don't have the same class we'll just both be on campus oh can you go with your friend do you know anybody in your class can you like walk with someone i mean are you when you say find you are you are you worried like are you worried that he would do anything no no no no okay well you just think he would try to debate you yeah like he'd be like really you're gonna block me and like yes have a conversation yes yes yes yes yes be like listen i just i yes i have to go to class

yeah and you're like i am tired of pretending that this whole situation isn't fucking crazy and i am tired of pretending i have given you way more than my time i i just i don't feel like having a crazy conversation and i don't believe anything you're gonna say so there's no point in talking right i wish i'd done this a lot sooner get anything out of it yeah the best thing you can do is not be petty and mad the best thing you can do is be as calm as fuck and just be like, hey, listen, I'm just really busy. This has just been a long time coming.

And I just, I'm not gonna believe anything you're gonna say anyway. So like, there's just no point. But I do wish you all the best. And it's been great. If you're gonna cheat on your partner multiple times and then have an emotional affair with someone that you refer to as your cousin,

you don't get any consideration you know and right now this is all about protecting yourself and this is about how you're gonna go over this and i don't give a fuck about him he doesn't yeah he doesn't deserve it i don't know that i really give a fuck about him or his feelings either to be honest i think it's just an internal thing of thinking that i should be nice i don't know why i think that it wasn't like you're not out of the prison of niceness. You're a nice person, and that's good that you are considerate, but someone else out there

is going to be more deserving of this consideration. And right now, I want you to enjoy your final year. I want you to make a ton of friends. I want you to meet a bunch of guys. A bunch of guys. Fuck around and have fun. The way I kind of look at it is like, Vanderpump rules. I'm season one stassi stuck with

jacks and my bow is still out there somewhere and that's what i tell myself there we go i know you're doing a rewatch i don't know that far in yeah we are we are uh well i don't know if we got to bow but we know she's don't be stuck with jacks yeah just go have some fun explore some life like to your point you and i know what it's like to invest your entire college career into a relationship that ultimately doesn't work out. And again, I have a great life and I made some great friends, but I would have done it differently if I could have done it differently. And I would have had more fun in college than I had. And the fact that you have this foresight and you still have a year left, don waste it yeah you're right all right well

they're gonna text him right now together what a day okay what a day i'm nervous uh don't be nervous i'm nervous about having to tell my mom what happened why because i haven't told her and she my mom loves everybody so she loves him he's coming does mom know that she wanted that he wants to fuck his cousin yeah she won't love him after Okay. I don't want her to be sad for me. Let her be sad for you. Yeah. Let her take you out for dinner. Have a girl's day.

Drink some wine. Go on Hinge. Be unhinged. This is what you deserve. Or, yeah, you could be sad, or you could say to your mom what you said to us. Honestly, mom, I am sad, and I'm going to grieve, and I don't know how I'm going to process this, but I do know that I am excited to enjoy my final year of college. I'm excited to make a bunch of friends that quite honestly, I wish I would have done earlier in college. I'm really excited about no longer having to worry if this guy is fucking around behind my back. So while I'm sad, yes, and I'm so glad you're here,

I'm actually more excited about the future than anything. Okay. You're right. Put a positive spin on it. Because in reality, it is a positive thing for me. Oh, yeah. All right. So how mean do we want to be? I kind of want to be mean. I kind of wanted to say we're broken. What do you mean? I just want to say I've decided we're broken up. Have fun next weekend. Okay. Yeah. And there's nothing you can say to change my mind. Yeah. You know what? I actually like that. I've decided we're broken up. Nothing you can say to change my mind. Yeah.

You know what? I actually like that. I've decided we're broken up. Nothing you can say can change my mind. I wish you all the best. Please respect my decision. I wish you well. Inhale.

I do. I wish you all the best. I do kind of like, I actually don't be petty. You're being petty by not being petty. By firing him like the HR person. Yeah. Just be kind of like. Not giving too much intor person like yeah just be kind of like giving too much into it yeah just very kind of like what the fuck and then block them that's easy i already haven't blocked on it i already haven't blocked on like all social medias what why it's

just not on text because when i found out i blocked him on everything except for text and just kind of never unblocked him because i think in the back of my head i knew how long are we gonna make it we gotta be rid of this guy if he's already blocked on everything that is your sign right there send this all right so what do we got so far we get back i've decided we're broken up nothing you can say will change my mind i wish you all the best but please respect my decision take care take care period love you kisses except no i'm just kidding okay take care. Take care. Period. Love you. Kisses. No, I'm just kidding. Take care. Period. Taylor,

I'm going to come to college with you. You're fun. All right. Well, let us know when you send it. I'm just going to send it right now. Otherwise, I probably won't hold myself accountable to do it.

There you go. Send it. Do I send it in the block or do I wait for a text? No block. Immediate block. Okay. Okay. All right.

Did you block him? Did you block him? Yeah, I blocked Now delete his number Oh, you're right, so that I can't see the contact Also, just as a heads up, you might have to also block him on your iMessage on your laptop I had a man who did not take the blocking kindly and continued to FaceTime me on my laptop

until I did it on there too I've gotten them through on my watch before so yeah, I need to it on my watch and my iPad. I don't know why they don't sync. Literally a safety risk. I'm like, get him off of my screen. Alright, congratulations. You're single. How does it feel? You're single.

What are you going to do tonight? With mom. Pick up my mom from the airport. Yeah, baby. Go to class. Congratulations. I'm so excited for you. What an exciting journey you have ahead of you. I'm excited.

Why don't you go ahead and get on the apps tonight? Why don't you go ahead and make an account? That's what I said. What dating profile? I said get on Hinge. Be on Hinge. Make a profile today. Okay.

I'll do Hinge. I've never tried Hinge before. You'll probably find them on there. I can't use Tinder. I'm banned from Tinder. Taylor. What'd you do? Because I used it before i was 18 way back okay that'll get to it then they just perma ban you for life but also if you feel sad at any point in the coming weeks that doesn't mean you made the wrong decision yeah and also like i could just like feel the icky feelings or else you'll feel them tenfold down the line. You should read this book. Don't take your ex happy birthday.

It's full of nuggets to get over people. I have it. Oh, you do? Well, go reread it. Remind yourself. I will. When you get out there. There'll be a lot of nuggets in there.

But there's that chapter, just because you're sad doesn't mean they're special. Because yes, it's okay to be sad to Amanda's point. It's okay to miss him. It's okay to wish he was there. It's okay to want to to Amanda's point. It's okay to miss him. It's okay to wish he was there. It's okay to want to call him and tell him a story. You did spend two years with this guy. He was an important part of your life. He didn't deserve you, but it's natural to feel those feelings. But that does not mean that he's worth your time or that you made the wrong decision or that you should reconsider it just

means that you have a actual void to fill and you just haven't filled it yet you know and that's going to take some time and you're going to go out and date and you're going to meet a lot of bad dates before you meet some good ones but again you're only 22 you've been in relation for two years i hope for you that you do date a lot a You go out there, you meet a lot of people. I would focus on friendships right now. Like you said, don't make the mistake of falling in love with the first guy you go on a date and do the same thing with this new guy you do with the last guy. Yeah, I have that habit. Well, this is a time to really work on yourself, you know, because we all have things to work on

ourselves. And clearly he has things to work on himself. That's his journey. But now there's an opportunity for you to figure out what choices I had to make in this past relationship that got me into this pickle. You know, did I obviously put up with too much? Did I not ask the right questions? Did I not listen to my gut? You know, do some, you know, now is a good time over the next month or so to really do some reflecting and just be pretty honest with yourself about things you want to work on. You have your whole life in front of you. Now's the time to make some mistakes, but just don't make the same mistakes over and over. Be a girl's girl over the next few months and really prioritize friendships and let the guys chase you. And if a guy falls in love with you and you like him, just tell yourself, listen, yeah, it's okay to like him, but I still need to learn. And I'm just going to take my time with him. And if he's not willing to go at my pace and he's clearly not what I'm looking for. Right. Thank you guys so much.

I definitely really needed the push because I know my friends will be honest with me, but I don't know. I think at the end of the day, they're always like, well, we'll respect your decision if you decide to stay. But I think what I needed is to be like,

no, you don't deserve this. Leave him. We won't respect that decision. Thank you. I need that. Well, congratulations. Give us an update in about a few weeks of where you're at and kind of how it's been. I will.

Go on the Find a Friend apps. Bumble BFF? Yeah, Bumble BFF. Oh, yeah. I should try that. Prioritize friendships right now. Find more friends. It's all about making friends right now.

The boys will always be there. Yeah. I'm just going to focus on me. Me and my friends. All right. Congratulations. Thank you. All right.

Bye-bye. IQ Bar. Amanda is somewhere in Europe, and chances are she's eating an IQ Bar as we speak. There is a reason why Amanda only eats IQ Bars. She's on an IQ bar only diet when she travels. I don't know if that's entirely true, but we know that she loves them. Her bag is overflowing with IQ bars. We love them too. It's just that Amanda is surviving off of them. I will say though, Amanda has turned us all onto IQ bar as well. And we have made it kind of part

of our routine here, especially around like the three o'clock hour when we all need a little pick me up because you just get that sustainable energy. It fills you up with really good ingredients and it doesn't matter like what our dietary restrictions are. If you're gluten-free, keto, vegan, everyone can enjoy them and we all have our favorite flavors.

So get your hands off the banana nut. The wild bear is pretty good too. They all taste amazing and you can get your snack on while having the comfort of knowing that you are eating something not only that is delicious, but good for you, packed with nutrients and protein and a bunch of stuff that your body craves. Refuel smarter with IQ Bar's ultimate sample pack. That's seven IQ Bars, four iMix sticks, and four IQ Joe sticks. And now our special podcast listeners get 20% off all IQ Bar products

plus free shipping. To get your 20% off, just text FILES to 64000 to get your discount. Again, text FILES to 64000. That's FILES to 64000. By texting 64000, you agree to receive recurring automated marketing messages from IQ Bar. Message and data rates may apply. No purchase required. Terms apply. Availableiqbar.com. Reply stop to stop. Help to help.

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Hey, good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Jenna, and I'm 27. How can we help, Jenna? So I think I have feelings for my guy friend who might be moving to a different country, and I'm wondering if I should tell him. Okay. Well, we're going to have to solve the case of think and might. So let's start with your feelings. Why do you think you might have feelings for him?

Because we've been friends for a long time. So since college, ran in the same friend group, I never really looked at him that way. We both dated other people. And recently, within the past year, we've just been communicating a lot more, pretty much every day, mostly texting. And then on the weekends, we'll go out with our group of friends. And he's a very flirty person so i never really like looked too much into it but recently when we were out i came home and was like hmm like maybe i'm starting to develop feelings and so i'm wondering if it's just because of that constant communication or if it's something deeper or what does your gut tell you i don know. That's the tricky part because he's very like

supportive. Like he's everything that my ex wasn't. It sounds to me like this conversation was about us trying to figure out how you feel about him. And what I'm hearing for you is you trying to figure out how he feels about you. Yeah. Maybe it's a little bit of both, but let's focus on how you feel about him. Okay. Regardless of how he feels about you. So what does your gut tell you about how you feel about him? That it's nice and comfortable and something that I haven't really had before. And like, it's like a secure partner. And I feel like I tend to go for very emotionally unavailable people.

Okay. And I like the fact that we've known each other for a long time and been friends, but I guess I'm nervous of like, does he like me? Sure. Totally normal. Understandable. It's important to know our feelings and then we can worry about their feelings. We tend to focus too much on their feelings and not enough about our feelings. And you might get- Yeah, I read that in your book. But you might get an answer that makes the part about their feelings irrelevant, depending on how you feel about the situation. So we waste a lot of time doing that. Let's focus on how you feel because how you feel is what matters most. And you'll get your answer about how he

feels when you ask him or when you let him know. The simple answer is, if we figure out that you, in fact, do have feelings that go beyond friendship with this guy, yeah, you fucking should let him know. And then let him decide for himself what he wants to do with that information. Which might be, hey, you're great, but I just don't feel the same. Also, the good news is, as far as your ego is concerned, he has a built-in excuse, which is, oh, I would, but I'm moving, some version of that.

You're great, but oh, God, if only I wasn't moving, which at the end of the day will just be an excuse if he doesn't feel the same way as you feel. And also, if he's been friends with you for a long time, he's going to go through the kind of same confusing process. It doesn't really ever happen. Ever. Of course, it's happened. But rarely do I think in these situations, there's one person say to the friend, hey, I think I have feelings for you. And the other person immediately says, oh my God, same. That's why I don't think I should tell him. Is it worth it?

No, but the reason why people don't say, oh my God, same, isn't because they always don't feel that same, is the default is to be noncommittal. He's going to have to process these emotions. Partly, he needs to know how serious you are about this. You know? So i'm just saying you why would you tell him because as you've heard you me say and if you've read my book it's also in the book you're not really you're not just friends he ain't going to your kid's baptism he's not

showing up to your wedding if you don't marry him and once he moves the re for all the reasons that you were spending all this time together and the reasons why your relationship has evolved in advance to what it is today, has a lot to do with proximity, availability, comfort. And when he moves, maybe initially at first you might keep in touch. This is assuming you don't confront him with your feelings. And yeah, he'll be in a new city and he won't have friends and he'll feel lonely and you'll be a very easy and convenient person to reach out to, to keep himself company. And yeah, he'll be in a new city and he won't have friends and he'll feel lonely and you'll be a very easy and convenient person to reach out to, to keep themselves company.

But like, you know, that's kind of just torture. But he'll certainly do it once he starts making friends. And once he starts going out there and dating, it'll slow down. Convince me why this isn't just like, you know,

I've been singing for a while. I've been kind of bored and he's there and he's not bad or, you know, and on a scale of one to ten ten being i'm pretty sure i love the guy to one being like he's i see him as a brother where do you fall on the uh on the scale probably closer like six seven maybe okay pretty high i think something that you included in your email that feels maybe like relevant to include in the conversation is that like how he always mentions that it's a one way plane ticket and that he's like, it's totally refundable and how it seems like he might be like, as you're interpreting it, it might be like he's willing to change his plans should something happen between you two. happen between you two? Yeah. So a lot of our friendship is centered around like we're both going through these career changes. Like I've had a big unconventional career change that he's been

very supportive of. Anytime I try to make the conversation about him, like, oh, like, have you found a job? Are you moving? Like, have you bought your plane ticket? Whatever. He's like, yeah, but plane tickets are refundable. Or, you know, it's a one way I can go visit so-and-so who lives out there. When you talk about he might be moving, what is his opportunity he's considering? Nothing. Just change. Change. Okay. So might... But it's to a very random country that we know one person that lives there. I think it's his fantasy in his head. Okay. So it's a big might in terms of him leaving.

Send him a nude. Send him a nude? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I'm joking, but listen, I just, at the end of the day, I know this feels complicated for you. It's just not that complicated. Of course you should tell him is I guess my answer. I thought you were going to say the opposite. Why? I don't know. I thought you were just going to say what good, like usually like i feel like when you give when you tell someone how you feel either they already know and they don't care they don't feel the same way about you or just makes it like uncomfortable like what are the odds of me saying like i have feelings for him and him saying me me too like you just said well only not not only, it's because that's just-

It's not about, you don't need to do the math for odds to tell the truth. You're not investing in a stock, you're being honest. He's going to get into his head about the risks and that common thing of ruining the thing that we have. You're not going to get the, oh, me too right away, most likely, because I think this is a lot for him to process. And he is going to want to process that. And my guess is he's not going to want to commit to any grand statements of feelings before he processes what you're going to say to him. We're also talking about a guy in his late 20s. It's often that we don't meet the expectations we set for ourselves in our early 20s, early 18s, and that can kind of fuck with us. And that can get us to think of doing crazy

things like, I'm just going to move to another country because I know one person because he wants change. And whatever he's doing now, he's feeling unfulfilled about. So he's kind of going through this kind of very confusing time, which is why I say the more certain you can sound and the more confident in your feelings that you can be, the better. While he's unsure about his career and he's unsure about his future, you want him to be sure about trying things out with you. Yeah, and if I go in confused, it's not going to help the situation. No, it's going to be like, well, if you're confused, why shouldn't I be confused?

Let's say I do tell him, how do you suggest I do so? Send a nude. Or is that a loaded question? No, we are not sending nudes. It's an option. Yeah, that's not my vibe. The best way is the way that you're most comfortable with, where you can be direct and confident in what you're saying to him? I feel like in person would be really scary for me, but I don't necessarily want to do

it in a text. Do you guys ever talk on the phone? No, not really. That's valid. So you text a lot? Yes. Yep. I don't think the text is the worst thing in the world.

I mean, sure, in a perfect world, you sit up down, you have a conversation with them, yada, yada. But I don't think there's anything wrong with a text that's some version of like, I'm about to hit you with something you might find surprising. You may not. Incoming. No, seriously. And what's your rapport? Do you guys joke a lot? Like what is, what is your relationship? Like how do you guys communicate yeah very like joking banter so i i kind of like that i'm about to hit you with something or like some i don't know i think there's some funny way in a little but i think you should yeah you should say like hey what are you doing right now or are you sitting down i have some news to say it like that like we literally just

talked to someone who had to tell someone they were pregnant so bring that energy almost i got some new are you sitting down i got some news i don't think he'll be expecting that and then you're just like i have feelings for you and i think you should know and then you say i assume this is a lot for you to process so take some time but when you're ready let's get together and, you know, talk more about it. I don't think you should pitch him on the relationship. I think you should just be honest about your feelings and then just see what he has to say and go from there. Okay.

I like it. Again, you don't have to overcomplicate it. He's going to, however he feels, he'll eventually let you know. But your goal is to be a confident, come across as confident, not wishy-washy, not, I don't know if you're going to be okay with it. And it's okay if you don't feel the same way, don't hit him any with that. None of that. Of course it's okay. You don't need to tell him that. What you need to tell him is that you have feelings for him at some level, and then kind of in a powerful sort of way, let him know that you're okay

and you understand if he's not because this is a lot for him to process. So take the time because either way you're fine. You're a calm, collected individual who is going to be fine either way. And that's the message you're going to give him and that you look forward to sitting down with him and furthering this conversation.

But it's time he knows. What if you don't say I have feelings for you because it's so like. Yeah, I think we should consider the idea that we date romantically. That's what you should say. Hey, I. Yeah. Hey, what are you doing? Are you sitting down?

I have some news. I think it's time we consider being romantic or dating or being more than friends. Yeah, or what do you think of I like you as more than a friend? What do you think? Okay, I like that better. Maybe. No? I don't know. It's fine. I mean, there's no wrong answer. I feel like

if I just come out with the, I think, what do you think of us dating or something? He might think it's a joke. No, I don't think you should ask him a question. You're only making statements. Only statements. I like you. Take some time.

This is probably a lot for you. That doesn't seem too serious or does that seem funny? Well, throw in a winky emoji. I don't know. You do want him to take you seriously. Yeah. I don't care if you make him laugh. What I care is that he knows that you're serious and that you are going to be

okay. And you're not, are you? And you're not, well, it's okay if you don't want to, and it's fine. And I hope I didn't upset you with this news and blah,

blah, blah. Like don't apologize for how you feel about him. And yeah, one way he'll let you know one way or the other. Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of, but I know,

but hit him, hit him with the, we're not just friends. It's no longer available to him to have some of you, if he doesn't want all of you, that you're not just friends. The big thing is once you try to set this boundary, you need to enforce it and you cannot go back to just being just friends. If he does the, I think you're great. And I just don't know. And I just think of us as friends and, you know, uh, I don't want to lose our friendship. You just say, Hey, listen, I can't help how I feel. Turns out you're, you're a wonderful guy

who I want to explore something with. And I will miss our friendship. Don't get me wrong, but I just don't see you as just a friend. So I can't just be your friend. So if this is how you feel, I totally get it. But this is also how I feel. And, you know, I respect your feelings. I need to respect mine. So we're not friends. And just be very matter of fact and very calm.

And then stop giving them access to you. If his response is some version of, oh, I don't want to ruin this friendship, then you're going to have to cut off access and give him a glimpse into what life is like without having you in his life. So then he can reevaluate how he actually feels about you. Well, is this a person I really value in my life?

Do I need her? Are my feelings stronger than I anticipated? You've given him no reason at this point to even question if his feelings are more serious. So calm, confident, statements only. And in a text, keep it light and fun. Not heavy. Yeah.

And then like, I don't know, throw in an emoji or something. Should we text him right now? Why not? Now's as good a time as any. Just text. I was thinking of doing it next week why i don't know because we're gonna see each other this weekend like we have like plans at this we have similar plan perfect because then no matter what happens you can but then i have to drop out of the plan

no you don't no you don't it's actually perfect because you can go regardless of what happens treat him exactly the same or normally. You're not weird. You're not being dramatic. So then it's an immediate. It's actually better that way, because if too much time passes and then it's like, are we going to see each other? Are we not? It's just going to raise the stakes in a way you don't need it to. You can prove to him that you're like, no, I got it.

I'm confident. It's very powerful showing up and treating someone normally. Yeah. And you won't be at the stage of limited access to him yet because he's going to he's going to be in the processing phase. It's very powerful showing up and treating someone normally. letting him process and hanging out with them and giving him a bit of a taste of what it might be like after three weeks or so, give or take a day or two, you have to eventually be willing to say, this is how I feel. And if you don't,

we need to stop this. But between now and then, yes, every time you see him, you're just like, I feel how I feel, you know? Well,

that's scary. Yeah. I know, but it's fine. It's not that. It's scary, but it's not. You can do scary things. Yeah. The worst case scenario, your ego is a little bruised.

You don't know if this is your future husband. You don't know if you're even in love with him. All you know is that you like him. You think there's potential there, and you want to explore it. And if you find out he doesn't feel the same way about you, then that'll help you process that. And maybe, hopefully, you will take that into account as someone who's like, oh, well, he doesn't feel the same way. And yeah, my ego's a little bruised, but at the end of the day, I have my answer.

I really think we should text him right now. At least we'll be here for you. But I know he's in the office, so I just wonder if you guys would really get a reply right away. Like it might be long. I feel like it's less about a response. It's just if you want a little hype squad with you when you send it.

You need to break the ice. Yeah. There's no good time. Yeah. Make the joke. There's no good time for this, so I'm going to do it the worst possible time while you're at work okay so I think the

text that we're thinking is there's no good time next thing of like there's no good time to say this so I'm going to choose the worst possible one I'm going to choose the worst possible one in the middle of the middle of the work day send that

that's the first one next text is i like you as more than a friend if that phrasing feels good to you i don't see you just as a friend anymore okay i like that one better like so think about it and get back to me within three to five business days oh my god no this is this is probably a lot for you to process so see where you're at and get back to me in three to five business days. Either way, looking forward to this weekend. Yeah, so I think it's going to be so like first text is like the no good time

to say this. Second text, whatever version of like, I don't see you as a friend anymore. Third text, I know this is a lot like to process. That being said, if you want to go over and make out tonight, I'm available. Tap the brakes,

people. Have some fun. Keep it loose. There's no good time to say this. I'm going to choose the worst possible one and then I have in parentheses

in the middle of the workday. Then the next text, I don't see you as just a friend anymore. Next text, this is probably a lot for you to process. Now I'm at the next text.

I think in the text that this is probably a lot for you to process, then it's like the next text. I think in the text that this is probably a lot for you to process, then it's like you said, like period. Same text. Yeah, same text. We're only sending three texts. I know this is probably a lot to process, comma, so please get back to me within three to five business days. Winky face. So like, yeah, so take your time, but

get back to me within three to five business days. Also, if you want to make out, come over tonight. What's wrong with that? I thought we were only doing three texts. Only three. All in the same text. Too much. Would you make out with him tonight if you want to make out come over tonight what's wrong with that I thought we were only doing three texts only three all in the same text too much would you make out with him tonight if you wanted to come over yeah that's no I don't think so oh you wouldn't okay

I feel like if he just came over it would be like really random I don't know you crazy kids story I think those three are good now we're sending yes yeah hey we just want to congratulate you on your bravery yeah nice job should i really send these or yes absolutely this is funny all you're gonna get is an answer and an answer is clarity and clarity is powerful

and yeah i can't promise you won't be disappointed in the short run, but this is going to save you a lot of fucking headache and confusion. And you're getting it. You're getting into territory of hanging out with him and being frustrated and confused because you're not being honest with him. You're not being honest with how you're feeling. And it's just a, you're just avoiding so much wasted energy. That I can promise you.

Okay, but I will say if he says right away, if I get rejected, I'm not going to go this weekend. I'm just going to find a way out of it. Why? I don't know because I don't want to be upset. What if I cry? I really mean it when I say it, that his default, he's going to be caught off guard

and his default is going to protect the norm. And we don't know how he feels about you. And chances are, you're not going to find out right away. So you got to give it a couple of weeks and let him process. And you're being serious when you say let him process. And eventually you'll probably have to cut off access. This is dating in 2023. Unfortunately- It's a long process. This is dating in 2023. You know, unfortunately. It's a long process.

It's a long process. So you can do this. You can go and just know that he's not really rejecting you yet. He just doesn't know. Think of in your head, he's a dum-dum. You know, he's just a dum-dum who just doesn't really know his feelings. So there's nothing really for you to feel awkward about or weird about. And be the confident person who does show up. And I agree him it's a power move you can do it you can go you can do it come on send the messages they're great either

way you should still send the messages but like we'll get to as amanda said we'll we'll follow up with you on friday and gas you up and make sure you go yeah because even if it's like somewhat painful or awkward and even if you have to go to the bathroom and like wipe away a tear you're gonna be glad that you went but just cried in the bathroom keep in mind we don't we we will like short of him being like zero fucking chance i can't believe you do this like i like want to be clear he's not gonna say that you know right he's gonna say some version of he's gonna hit you with a bunch of compliments and he's just not to say that. He's going to say some version of he's going to hit you with a bunch of compliments and he's just not sure and he just doesn't want to ruin the friendship. But that's confusion on his part. He doesn't really know yet. So don't psych yourself out. Don't convince yourself he hates you. Don't put words in his mouth that he's not saying.

This is going to be a lot for him to process. So instead of being the disappointed, I can't show up and I'm so embarrassed, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Pat yourself on the back for being brave, for having the guts to say how you felt. You have the power. You have the power. Don't confuse it that he has the power. You have the power because you put yourself out there and you're just going to hang out

with a guy who still hasn't figured it out yet. You're either going to be surprised and get an amazing answer, or you're going to get the answer that we're all expected, which is he's just not going to have an answer for you right away. So there's no reason come this weekend for you to actually be rejected because you won't really know how he truly feels until you remove access and allow him to process life without you. Should I just remove access without sending the text?

No. No. No. That's confusing. He's going to be like, what the fuck is going on? No. Because it is powerful to state how you feel. We know this because you're having such a hard time with it.

I know. It's just scary. Yeah, I know. Life is scary. But it's full of risks. And you're not going to regret this. You just won't. Because all you're going to get is an answer. and there's no better way to waste time than wait

to do something until you don't feel scared like that's been the most helpful change that i've ever made is being like i can be fucking terrified and still do something and it is the most like empowering mind like mental shift i've ever made okay let's just send the text before i all right all right ready scared yes all right let's go let's do it okay i'm going first one send the text before I get scared. Yes. Let's go. Let's do it. First one. Does it look bad if I just do them back to back? No.

Who gives a shit? One, done. It's like ripping off a bandaid. I love it. Send it. The second one's the worst one. It's the best one. You got it. Three, two, one, send. Okay, done. it that's the second one's the worst one okay okay you got it you got it three two one send okay done done okay okay i'm gonna put my i'm putting my phone on airplane did you send the

third one too no don't put an airplane on the rest of the day you're gonna go green i'm turning off my phone let him know you're turning off your phone yeah and then he's gonna text you yeah and also for the record i'm optimistic i think he's gonna have the biggest fucking smile on his face when he sees these texts and i think he's gonna be fucking thrilled i'm less optimistic but i don't think no i just think guys like his default is this gonna be uh you know and while we were talking on the phone i thought of similar situations that i've been in my life you know i couldn't be happier with my life now but i do remember like i had a friend we spent a lot of time together and she kind of i wasn't this was all so this was fucking 15 years ago but wonderful person she told me she had feelings for me i didn't handle it

in a way that she wanted to me too and i was just kind of fucked over someone else it wasn't an identical situation the point is i don't really know what would have happened had she like i mean she got the answer too you know and it just like but she was a great person and you know it's just like you just never know but like there was no regret for her to tell me all i'm saying is nothing bad happened from her telling me other than you know she didn't get the answer she wanted i was a little fucked up it wasn't the same situation but i just i guess the reason i brought it up is i just remember being so like surprised and caught off guard and kind of like i didn't know what to think and i truly

did need time to process you know yeah? And I, I do think that if she would have hit me with more confidence and, and not immediately like cried over it and, and acted like she was lost and, and whatever, I, I would have been like, damn, you know? And so like what you did was so brave and so cool. And like, it's unlike you and the best possible way. And now you should feel good about yourself regardless of his answer. You put your, I think I just didn't want to regret not telling him. So even though it's scary to tell him, it's like, I've had guy friends in the past that I've maybe felt the same about and

I've never told them. and then you lose your chance. But also, isn't there something to say about like, if he wanted to, he would? Or do you hate that saying? I don't hate it. And there's a lot of truth to it. But I do think in this day and age, it's very, we are so used to these kind of non-committal relationships and having friends with benefits and blurring the lines between friendships and intimacy that it does take people time to process and people who become risk avoidant and get good at like having people they sleep with and then people they're friends with and having like, you know, a relationship through multiple people has become the norm and so eventually yes eventually now you know down

two or three weeks from now after you've came forward with your feelings allowed him to process and then you know hopefully have like an in-person conversation about it. And then you calmly say, you know, if it comes to it, hey, you know, I wish you felt differently, but this is how I feel. And I just don't want to be friends with you. Eventually, that's the point where if he wanted to, he would, would come into play. Where you remove access, you know,

because some people at that point would just have friends who make excuses. Oh girl, he's just figuring out, he's just scared. He doesn't know what to do, you know, blah, blah, blah. That's when it's, no, honestly, if he wanted to, he would. scared he doesn't know what to do you know blah blah blah that's when it's no honestly if he wanted to he would you've told him how you feel you know you've given every reason to come around he hasn't you need to move on that's when if he wanted to he would comes into play right now he has reasons to be confused and can you know and want to protect their friendship and caught off guard and and be wishy-washy you know so there's a time and a place for that. Right now, we're not there yet. You should feel good about yourself, about being brave and bold. Own your feelings. Be confident in what you said. Don't overreact with his immediate answer and remain confident

in yourself and your feelings. You have no reason to apologize for how you feel. And that's the energy I want you to bring into your conversation. It's like, hey, I feel how I feel, man. You know? Has he said anything? Has he responded? Yeah. Nope. Okay.

Give him time. Let us know immediately. Yeah. And what's my follow-up reply? Well, I guess it depends on what he says. I mean, let's just say he goes the, like... What if he's like... If he goes like...

If he goes like, well, you know, I really caught off guard. First, I just want to say I think you're great, but I just don't know if I feel that way. I think you reply back, well, I still think you should take some time, but either way, I'll see you this weekend. Okay. Just kind of confuse him with your almost indifference and your confidence, give yourself three weeks to kind of allow him to process and be confusing and have it be awkward before you cut off access. And that's when you can have the emotional, you know, that's when you can cry. His refundable plane ticket is for like early September.

So if he's gone by then, then I don't know. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. And if he's like, hey, where's this coming from? I'm like, well, one, I know you've been considering leaving, but more than anything, I just like, I think we could be great together. I don't know, but I want to explore a relationship with you. And that's where, depending on what he says,

you can kind of hit him with the, I'm not saying I love you, calm down. I'm just saying, I think there's something more than just friends and it's time to just put it out there. Yeah, I think he has to know a little bit. I do think the level of his interest and how much he cares and how much we communicate, he has to be feeling some kind of way, but it could be similar to me where he wasn't

sure for a long time and probably still isn't sure. If I had to guess based on how well I know him, but also I don't want to have to guess. Give him time and you just need to be confident that you don't regret being honest. And it's okay to not regret being honest and it's okay to not regret being honest. And it's still, it's still okay to admit to him, Hey, I'm just a little sad that you don't feel the same way, but I don't regret telling you. And I'm going to give you some time to think about it, but eventually I'm just going to have to like, not be friends with you. I mean, this wasn't going to go on forever. What are we going to do? Text every single day for the rest of our lives. Like he, I think at some point it would have ended. I think you bring this very matter-of-fact energy to him.

It is what it is, buddy. I'm sorry. You're wonderful. I'm not going to say that, but... Don't say that. I think it's time we figure out whether there's something there or not. Let's stop wasting each other's time

pretending we're just friends. And if you're certain you only see me as a friend, then I'm certain that we can't keep hanging out as friends. All right. Yeah. Congratulations. You did a brave thing. Thanks.

Thanks for all your help. All right. We must get an update. Okay. Immediately. I'll follow up. Yeah. All right.

Okay. Congratulations. You did a great thing. All right. Bye. Have a good one. You too. Bye.

Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Bye. Have a good one. You too. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. We'll see you back tomorrow to talk to Alex and Kat and Antonio and Roxanne from The Ultimatum. That'll come out on Thursday.

Bye.