The Viall Files - E643 Ask Nick - Should I Leave My Husband For My First Love?

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss everyone’s favorite part of a wedding–the vows. We also read a submission from someone who has questions about casual dating etiquette. She has been seeing someone for five months, who’s recently started to send her “I miss you” texts. She’s unsure whether she should communicate her dating expectations, or whether that’d be too presumptuous. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller’s boyfriend is nice to everyone, but her. She’s unhappy in her relationship and how he treats her, but they share children together so she wants to know if the relationship is salvageable at all. Our second caller’s boyfriend recently broke up with her because he said he wasn’t attracted to her, but wants to make things work again. He’s offered to go to couples therapy with her, but she’s not confident if her ego can get past his words. Our final caller is trying to decide between her husband and her first love. She’s unhappy in her marriage, but has kept communication open with her first love, and isn’t sure if she wants to work on her marriage, or leave him to rekindle a past romance.  “If you don’t prioritize being connected and staying connected, you won’t.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Get a break from your thoughts, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL  today to get 10% off your first month.   Helix - Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners. Go to HelixSleep.com/VIALL and use code HELIXPARTNER25. This is their best offer yet and it won’t last long! With Helix, better sleep starts now.   IQ Bar - Refuel smarter with IQBAR’s Ultimate Sampler Pack. That’s 7 IQBARs, 4 IQMIX sticks, and 4 IQJOE sticks. And now, our special podcast listeners get 20% off all IQBAR products, plus get FREE shipping. To get your 20% off, just text FILES to sixty-four thousand.   Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vol files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household from genevieve Alley Amanda almost here he's almost virtual in their heart but not the house where were you England Ireland I went to Spain for my cousin's wedding and then I went to Ireland with my family because

my grandmother has we were like Irish and we've always wanted to go my 82 Granger 82 oh my god I can't talk my 82 year old grandmother finally got to go and it was so exciting and wonderful and then i'm back in la and sick sick uh well you know you're close you're with us yeah in virtual spirit more than spirit you're actually with us as far as the audience knows you're here yeah welcome back uh anything fun and exciting going on on your trip?

Anything that made you go contemplate life? My cousins had a spectacularly fun wedding. It was like one side of the family who was getting married is Israeli. So it was like went until three in the morning, on was my cousin and his wife, Yarden. They didn't read about they didn't write their own vows to one another, but rather like went for, you know, the kind of prewritten your classics or with some amendments. Just to kiss the bride. Yeah, exactly. And I think that, you know, they had some kind of like modern updates. to kiss the bride yeah exactly and and i think that you know they had some kind of like modern updates but i realized i was like is it narcissistic that i'm like i feel like when i get married the whole point is like what we say right to say to each other and i was just wondering

what everybody else's take was on like how universal it is to want to write your own vows why is that narcissistic i don't know if it's just me being like a performer writer like oh i need to feel special and like proclaim love in front of everyone are these people super religious that got married no no i just thought that's what everyone did now is write their own vows i really felt like you kind of had to else be shamed by your audience well are you now like oh i don't have to do that is that something that's been keeping you up at night you seem a little too pleased right now like just repeat after me sure i like the traditional vows but i will say what are the traditional vows well i mean like my family's very catholic so i could tell you like the catholic ones but i will say what are the

catholic ones i've forgotten um since forgotten my parents when they got married we have a priest in our family who married them and father mike's big rule was obviously like we do everything very like standard catholic wedding vows i take you for my lawful wife slash husband to have and to hold from this day forward for better for worse for richer for poorer in sickness and health until death do us part i will love and honor you all the days of my life he was saying he was like in order for these like truly mean something it's not going to be a repeat after me situation you will have these memorized if you care enough you will have them ready so he made them memorized yeah which i thought was i like that okay yeah it was literally a test in special forces not quite like instead of replace the pressure to To say the Catholic wedding vows.

But it was like instead of the pressure of an audience and the vows of your marriage, it was get in freezing water and then repeat certain words that we had to memorize. They were like acronyms. Like NBC was nuclear, biological, and chemical. I remember that one. So, yeah, that was the whole thing, because the whole, you know, go in cold water, your body, you know, freaks out. And can you operate under pressure? It was kind of hilarious.

Like Tari was just making up words. It was amazing. But Ali, what would happen if someone were to have a moment of freezing and not saying it? Do you think Father Mike would jump in and help out? Oh my God, he's not going to let them die out there. No, you said Father Mike said, if this really means something to you, if you really love each other, the least you can do is memorize these. I agree, but I think he would nudge you back to the path. what if he got up there and like like a kid who just forgot to do his homework was up there and it's like are you gonna tell me what to say or what do you mean a kid who forgot

to do his homework like he didn't memorize them at all yeah like well if you didn't memorize them at all we shouldn't be getting married father mike would stop the way i would i'd be like fuck you you had one job but all these people came if you memorize it and then forgot sure you're gonna stop the wedding there's food waiting you spent i don't know what it is you're spending on on your wedding but let's if you're telling me i was like please memorize your vows and the guy was like no no let's say he kind of tried no you try fully and then i'm gonna ask what you would do i'm asking what Father Mike would do. Should we call him?

Yeah, you should come on to ask Nick. No, literally. Let's ask Father Mike. Yeah, I kind of agree with you. I don't think it's just like nowadays, especially if it's not religious. It's like the whole point is to kind of in front of your loved ones, right? In front of your community to proclaim your love in what would be the most meaningful way to you.

I feel like most people at Catholic weddings are in addition to these traditional vows. They're throwing in some like, hey, I wrote some things down, you know? Can you do that in a Catholic ceremony? I don't know. The couple is not free to compose their own vows in a catholic ceremony i don't a couple is not free to compose their own vows on a catholic wedding what isn't there a loophole i bet there's

someone listening who's catholic who they just didn't call it vows they just called it and and mike and janice wrote a couple things down they wanted to say to one another to their audience and blah blah blah and they do that and then they get to the whole like vows yes it's it's probably totally that just a few more things to say they just don't call them vows because god forbid you know yeah according to simply catholic.com that is not working who said simply catholic.com they actually say you can't do that there's no loopholes apart from the several options for standard and approved texts that a couple may choose from within the right of matrimony, the couple is not free to compose their own vows in a Catholic wedding. You sound like such a fucking Catholic, like, nun right now.

No! Vows are not rules! I'm saying they're not called vows. They're just called things that they're going to say to one another. You're like, we're not swapping. We're just adding. called things or they're going to say to one another. We're just adding. If you're listening and you've had a Catholic priest marry you in a Catholic church

and you did your version of your own vows, please let us know. And how did you convince Father Mike? Do we have a writer in her? We do. I wish it was about a wedding. It's all on the topic. But it's not, but we can help them all the same. Should I tell the

guy that I'm seeing that I'm not interested in an exclusive monogamous boyfriend girlfriend relationship so we've been seeing each other for five months and have never discussed defining the relationship i have no idea if he would even want to be boyfriend girlfriend since we've never discussed it but i know that i'm not interested in pursuing a boyfriend girlfriend relationship with him is it weird and presumptuous to tell him that i don't see us becoming more serious or is it selfish and inconsiderate to withhold this information from him for additional context this is interesting so she's in la he's in san diego they're both 25 and they only see each other three to four days a month because they don't live in the same city how often do they talk on the phone or communicate it seems like they communicate a decent amount. They don't talk every day,

but he's starting to say things like, I miss you, which is why she wrote in. Because she's not into that. Affection? So why is she with him? And what are they doing? Having sex? I mean, I guess. You don't know. She just said, like, we've been going on dates and, like, five months

of, like... We don't know if they've hooked up? I'm sure they have. But they just see each other, like like once or twice a month for three to four days at a time. And she stays with him. It's like kind of a long distance relationship. Yeah. Maybe she's confused if she should like have a conversation with him. Yeah. I don't want to make things awkward, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings by leading him on.

Should I tell him or is it unnecessary? I would probably let him know. Who are these people? I do think this question gets at an interesting phenomenon in dating, which is like if you are dating, is the premise that you are automatically working towards a relationship or is it not? Because I feel like most of the time there's kind of an implication, right? That if you're dating, like you're inching in that direction and usually someone needs to be the one who like says hey is this official but i think it's implied that you're like trying to head that way unless you have explicit conversations about it being casual am i right on that i mean i would think so but who knows these days honestly i feel like this

is a bigger picture problem people always talk about like the pendulum. You know, a lot of people we talk to are people who maybe have had a habit of not enforcing a boundary for themselves or allowing themselves to be walked over or giving into the drama of it all. But I just feel like on the internet, whether it's us and the conversations that we have on the show or just people on the internet, it's easy for anyone to interpret that in a way that they want to receive it. You know, just because we say something, there's a lot of people we give advice to. And I'm like, did you take the advice? And they're like, well, I did this, this and that. I'm like,

that's not what I said. You know? And I just feel like, honestly, the pendulum has, I think we have become incredibly self-centered when it comes to dating. And I think nowadays when it comes to dating, we're just thinking about our needs and making sure that we're taken care of and we're getting what we want and that our boundaries are respected and our expectations are met and et cetera. And that's, I'm glad we're doing that to a certain degree. But if this writer-inner, who thank you for writing it, is serious, like this idea that they're confused whether they should have a basic conversation about someone's feelings, recognizing that they might be becoming emotionally involved and starting liking someone and honestly wondering if they owe that to someone. I mean, it's kind of comical that they're actually asking the question. Of course, they need to bring it up. We're now living in this, well, do I really need to? No one's talked about it. I haven't brought it up. And if he hasn't brought it up, is it really my responsibility? We're only worrying

about our own selfish emotional needs. We want everyone to be empathetic to us and we're not being empathetic to other people. Maybe the way I view it is it's like everyone's worried about getting hurt. Like I feel like everybody's going in with this, I need to protect myself. Like this is a war zone. I am the only one who is responsible

for ensuring my own emotional safety in this situation. And so people are only looking for communication that kind of like- But that's a perfect point, though. They're saying that, but that in itself, they're using that as an excuse to be self-centered and not empathize. And they're using that as an excuse to not worry about other people. The excuse of, well, I've been hurt or by some other guys or some guys who have mistreated me and took me for granted. So I'm just going to worry about myself now. And again, like if you have allowed people to hurt you or if you've found yourself in situations where you were hurt, even if it wasn't your fault and you wanted to learn from that, that's great. But I just think as a society, we have to like

the pendulum needs to swing back into like understanding that a relationship or dating or hooking up is a two-way street and it involves two people and it includes feelings, even if you don't want a romantic relationship. And if you're going to sleep over and if you're going to communicate on a regular basis and you're going to continue to build a relationship, she doesn't want a relationship. and you're going to continue to build a relationship. She doesn't want a relationship. And yet the fact that she is talking to this guy on an ongoing basis over and over, she is building a relationship. I don't know what she wants to call it, but she's getting to know this person more and more

and she is allowing him to get to know her. And that for him, it sounds like, might be developing some feelings. And yes, you need to talk to these people. If you're going to play house and have sleepovers and get naked and have sex, you have to communicate. Otherwise, you're going to hurt someone's feelings. And put yourself in their shoes. Again, thinking about empathy and not just like your own emotional needs. Imagine if someone were to do that to you. Oh, by the way, yeah. No, I have no feelings for you whatsoever. Oh my God, you wanted us to date? Oh,

you thought this was going somewhere? Oh my God, I'm here to tell you, absolutely not. And again, I'm not trying to be hard on our writer-inner, but that's an absurd email to wonder and think that you have to ask someone, should I consider someone else's feelings? That's essentially what she's asking. If I'm getting it right, I also think there's this flavor of like, I don't even know if I should be assuming that he wants to date me, because again, we're living in this like very individualistic, like I just need to have my own back, protect myself, dating culture of saying, OK, well, if we're all living like that, then if he thought this was turning into something, maybe he would have said something

already and tried to define it. Yeah, we're just putting the responsibility on everyone else but ourselves. We're taking no responsibility for like the initiative that we might need to make for the conversations we might need to initiate. She is aware of how she feels. She is confused about how he feels. When you are certain about your feelings, It's your responsibility to speak up. You need to speak up when you are aware of how you feel. And you need to communicate that with the people who are unaware about how you feel because you're sure of it. And it's your job to ask questions when you're confused about someone else's feelings when they involve you. I think the fear would just be like saying something and then them being like, wait, what are you talking about? I don't care about you like that.

And then you feel stupid because it's almost like you got rejected, even though you were just trying to be like upfront by them, be like, you even thought that it would go there. Like, I think that's the only lens I can read it through. Yes. These are conversations are awkward and difficult and have the risk of disappointment, but like almost certainly need to be had. They need to be had. It's so shitty. And both of my long distance people pulled this shit on me.

And I was like, why are we flying across the country? I wouldn't have fucking booked flights. If you didn't want to date me, if the roles were reversed and this guy, it was the one who knew he didn't want a relationship. And she was like, Oh,

well I like him and I'm not sure. And he's just like, I don't really, you know, I don't really ask him about it, but I do like him i do sleep i probably i sleep over at his place like ed he pulled this shit the words people would be throwing out narcissist monster self-centered asshole fucking prick like we have to take responsibility for our our our feelings and our actions and regardless of our gender and regardless of the gender of the

person we're dating, we need to take ownership of our feelings and responsibility to communicate. And it is the job of the person who is aware of how they feel. And if you have two people who are confused, then that should be discussed based off the fact that like, hey, just checking in. If you're having sex, if you're having sleepovers, you should be checking in. And if you are not checking in, then it is at least half your fault when things get ugly and confusion sets in and feelings are hurt and you don't get to just put the blame and responsibility on the other person who also didn't check in, who also just assumed. Or if you're coming at it from a place of being nervous that if you say something,

they'd be like, what are you talking about? Don't flatter yourself. I didn't view it as that. I guess it's a matter of being in the mindset where you can say, well, then I don't care this person's opinion of me because I know I was doing something. I was doing the golden rule of treating others how I wanted to be treated. And even if they tried to make me feel stupid for that, I still, I'm not going to take that opinion into account because it's bullshit. And I want to live in a world where people are like communicative. Yeah. But if a person shames you who you're allegedly having sex with or having sleepovers with, then you got an answer about how they might feel or their ability to treat you with kindness in a relationship. Being disappointed with an

answer to a question you ask is, yes, it can hurt and it can be scary and awkward and disappointing and bruise your ego, but it's also clarity. It's also an answer. It's also a sign. It's an answer. It might not be an answer you want, but it is an answer. This letter seems absurd to me, but I don't think it's absurd. I think this bullshit is happening. This is the mentality people are having when we're dating. Emily Ratajkowski went viral a couple weeks ago. And I don't mean to come at Emily Ratajkowski because I get her intent of the video. Emily Ratajkowski was cheated on by her husband.

Sounds like he was a really bad dude. I really empathize. She had to get out of that relationship. And I'm glad that she feels empowered and free that she is now single and no longer like wallowing over a relationship that was broken and not good for her. Right. But when, when the whole Sophie Turner and Joe, Joe Jonas, she made his TikTok, it was talking about, it was chic to be single in her early thirties, you know, and again, that's a great message.

I just think that message and how it's received by the public, I think we're going down a path where when things don't work out for us, this message of it's just better to be single is kind of leaking into our society too much. And no one feels that way. As humans, we're designed to require human connection, even us introverts, you know, like we need to connect with people. We need to have community. We need to have relationships. Like we're not designed to be lonely, you know, but at the risk of having awkward conversations and dealing with disappointment and working through heartbreak and obstacles and getting back out there and fighting for a relationship, we are trying to sell this narrative that it's just better to be alone and it's better to be single. And it's just not. We're going down a path of society of the lonely fucking world. To change it, we have to also be willing to clean our houses, so to speak. We're so fixated on how

everyone else's house is clean and if their house is in order and if they're doing their part. And I think we're not spending enough time anymore thinking about the part we're playing in relationships. Anyways, I strongly feel that way. Very quickly, do you think you could say, though, that you do you think you could interpret Amrata's statement as saying, like, it's chic to take this swing? Like, yeah, you might have missed. And sure, maybe we're all going into this hoping we hit a home run, hoping we find, like, love and lasting partnership. But it is chic to be 30s and in your divorce because it means you weren't too scared to

try. And it means, like, you are out there and you are, you know, you have survived this experience. I don't know what her intent was. And again, I'm not coming at Emrata because she went through a lot and she deserves to feel good about being single and being a single mother and not feel depressed

because our marriage didn't work out. I hope that she wants for herself and I hope everyone wants themselves that once they are able to pick up the pieces and do whatever work they need to do, that they do get back out there and they do promote the need for connection and to get back out there. Whether you're Emrata, this stunning, beautiful woman who, to a lot of people's standards, both men and women, is like the epitome of beauty. Even her can be hurt and disappointed by people.

Whoever we are, we're going to be disappointed. People are going to treat us badly. They're going to disappoint us and it's going to hurt sometimes. It's going to discourage us. It's going to make us want to give up. It's going to make us say things about love that we're tired of it, but we have to pick each other up. We got to get back out there because we don't want to die alone. And we're just down a path of acting like it's everyone else's fault but ours. And that's going to cause loneliness. Anyways, we have some great callers today. I'm really excited about them. Don't forget to send those questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office, I just went in the wedding mediation. Thank you to all the people who have written in recently. We've had some really great stories, some doozies. We appreciate it. Just know that you are anonymous. So if you are worried about your crazy story being known, we'll protect your story. But please write in. And we always want to thank the people who do. We have an amazing week lined up for you. Rachel Rechia, your former Bachelorette, now a new star of Bachelor in Paradise, is joining the Vile Files.

Excited to talk to Rachel. I have yet to have a conversation with Rachel in the studio. So we're excited to have her on. That is tomorrow. And then on Thursday, my birthday, super excited. Raven Simone from That's So Raven is with us. And her wife, Miranda Madej, is with us. her wife Miranda Madej is with us. Super excited to talk to the both of them.

That should be a ton of fun. Oh, and by the way, just so you know, we'll be covering The Bachelor in Paradise and Golden Bachelor and Special Forces. Reality Recap really just will be that, Reality Recap. So get excited for a lot of

reality TV conversations on your reality recap following the premiere. But we will be recapping the following Tuesday. So we're not going to be dropping anything on Friday. We're keeping the regular scheduling program for real. So get ready for a lot of TV content. We're excited to bring it to you. Oh my God, Love is Blind is starting up too.

How are we going to do this? We have some ideas. We have some ideas. Anyways, lots to get into. We will be your reality TV destination between Love is Blind, Paradise, Golden Bachelor, Special Forces. Watch it all, baby. We are. All right, let's get to our

callers. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. callers. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Iris. I am 26 years old. How can we help Iris? My boyfriend is the nicest asshole because he's nice to everyone but me. Okay. Well, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. Is that a punchy statement? Or is that how you really feel like he's always an asshole to you and always nice to everyone else? Yeah, just give me some examples of what you mean by that. Got it. Yeah, it is a little bit of a lighter statement. He isn't always mean to me. But he

with everyone else, it feels like he's extremely generous and not even for praise. He just does things for people and is nice to people. But with me, I feel like he almost treats me like if I was a private and he was a drill sergeant. Like if, for example, if I'm like carrying like three water gallons and groceries up the stairs, he'll watch me and like, I'll i'll be like hey can you help me with something and he'll say well what do you do when i'm not home or just things like that okay and that's just like a minuscule of like what's okay all the things that he's done yeah so i'm curious um you know how sometimes we've done mediation calls where we have couples come in here and things like that?

If your boyfriend was here sitting next to you, what would you think he would say to the accusation of you having all your hands full, carrying up groceries, you're asking for help, and help and he says well what would you do without me like what what do you think he would say to that well it's funny that you asked because he was actually facetiming a friend and like recording me coming up the stairs and this friend was like you're such a dick bro and he was just like well i mean whatever he just kind of like shook it off and i didn't make it into a thing because that's just almost like i'm kind of used to it like he wants to help everyone else but he doesn't care to like help me with certain things um can i give another example yeah please yeah just the other day i uh i was in the shower we have two little ones, by the way, I have a one year old and a four year old. And it's, you know, the typical like, mommy, mommy, mommy, when daddy's like sleeping or playing games or whatever. But in this one instance, we're all home, I was getting out of the shower, and my little one had like snuck into the restroom, he's's crawling I don't want him crawling on the

restroom floor so I'm like babe nothing like we live in a small condo not in two-story house or anything I know he heard me so I'm like calling him several times until I like kind of like nap and I'm like hey come get the baby like he shouldn't be in here. And he's just like purposely ignoring me. And then soon after that, my son, my oldest son is like, mommy, I need this toy. And I'm like, okay, well, it's like, it's in your toy box. Daddy is right there. And my son just ignores me and just keeps asking me for help. So I'm, mind you, still getting out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, and my son keeps harassing me until I'm like,

okay, okay, I'm going. So half dry, walking into the room, just to find their dad like laying on the bed, not doing anything. And I ask him, I'm like like why do you do these things because it doesn't make sense to me it just really doesn't he's just like I don't know I just like to make you mad yeah it's just it sucks and I should mention he isn't always an asshole I'll be the first to admit he's a great provider he loves his kids and he takes care of me when he needs to but also those are things he should be doing i guess how does he take care of you i'm sure a

lot of people listening are just like devastated for you and it sounds sounds like a little bit of a monster you know and again we all joke oh i just like to make you mad he's not the first person who said that to a partner but this this guy has a pattern of just like kind of just being unnecessarily mean to you. Like a little bit of a bully. It's kind of fucked, you know? And so I'm sorry you're going through it.

And I'm even more sorry that you have to do this while having children. But that being said, I am curious, what, what does he do to make you feel loved specifically to you? I mean, not, not about as a provider to the kids like congratulations he can take care of his kids but like how does he make you feel cared for protected safe well when you put it that way he i i don't feel like

i feel safe obviously with him but i don't feel like he's a safe space for me to express certain things or emotions or what have you but as far as like taking care of me like he'll drop like $400 for me to get my hair done or like buy my contacts just like little things like that but as far as affection goes the best i'll get is like can i have a handy that's kind of what we're working on do you feel like he loves you i personally don't think i make him happy the way he treats me i feel like an annoying little brother i feel like a nuisance to him. But also, but like, does he make you happy?

Assuming no. When we have good days, we have great days. And I think, oh, okay, I'm just being a little crazy. But sometimes ultimately I don't think so. Like I even find myself like kind of fantasizing of like single life or somebody who will just kind of like give me what I want or I question like do I really deserve this is he in my life for a reason yeah I don't I don't feel happy like I said I would just I almost feel like I'd be better off as like a single mom but I feel like we're together now mostly for convenience.

How old are you guys? 26. And how old is he? He'll be 28 this year. How long have you guys been together? This will be the sixth year. Okay. If you were crying, if he walked home and you were on the couch

with your hands between your legs crying, what do you think he would do? Oh, he'd leave me. Not leave me, but he would just not bother me. It's happened so many times where I... That's psychotic. I feel like... Yeah, at this point, I feel like I'm over crying over him

because I'm just tired of him. I feel like he doesn't deserve my tears anymore if it's gonna be but i just i i just asked because it's just like i just want to know like how much overall love and empathy he has for you you know listen sometimes we can get frustrated with our partners and feel like we're not connected but i just i can't imagine a scenario in which I walked home and Natalie was sad and crying and for me to just ignore her and I don't like using buzzwords but that sounds sociopathic to me and being a bully to you and making you like work extra hard to carry groceries while he videotapes you, he's a fucking bully.

I don't know. I'm only hearing your side of the story, but it sounds radical, his behavior. You are describing a really bad person. He's nice to people in public. I don't know how one person can come across as so kind and empathetic, but behind closed doors to the person he should love the most and at least have children together is not only, that's one thing to be disconnected and maybe not as thoughtful as they used to be, et cetera, et cetera. And then flat out mean and dismissive and have no empathy for their partner feeling sad, whether it has to do with them or not. You're saying if he walked home and you were crying, he wouldn't even take the time to wonder what it was about. Was it him? Was it something else? Did you find out you have some

fatal disease where you're going to die next week? How does he fucking know? You're describing a guy who just would be like, eh, I don't care't care not my problem that sounds like worst case scenario so for me just hearing you i what i am so thankful for you is that the idea that you have thought about leaving him and the idea of being single sounds appealing to you you know because it would be difficult. Obviously, like someone in your shoes with two kids, and especially as a woman, the prospect of leaving him and starting over and dating again could sound like an uphill battle. And maybe it does for you at times. But the fact that it's so bad with him that it almost sounds appealing to you, I'm really grateful for you. I'm glad that that gives you almost a smile and something to look forward to

and something to be hopeful for, because it would break my heart if you were describing his behavior with like, I don't know what to do. I have kids with him. I'm not going to leave, yada, yada, or even just the idea of being without him sounds horrific to you. So I'm so glad about that. sounds horrific to you, you know? So I'm so glad about that. You know, the good never makes up for the bad, especially when the bad's this bad. And so I don't know what he would,

if he would consider couples therapy or individual therapy. And maybe shame. Shame's a powerful, you know, and by shame, I mean like, if he really is treating other people a different way, call his ass out to these other people. And these other people clearly are noticing.

I wouldn't even do that without seeming like, I don't know, without seeming like that girlfriend. Call him out in front of other people. I mean, listen, we're talking about extreme situations here. Yeah. You're talking about a guy who is videotaping you struggling lifting heavy objects and laugh basically laughing at you and not only that mocking you and and bragging to his friends how mean he is the worst part i feel like is we have two boys together and what also hurts is just like knowing that or I don't know, imagining that they'll grow up and kind of see like that disrespect.

100%. They have either carry that out with me or other women. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's glad you're glad you're thinking about that. So, well, I'd also hope that the other thing that your children would also see as they grow up is how strong you are and that you don't take that disrespect. And, you know, if you do leave him, then they'll see that, too. And like, look how strong mommy is.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Do you think this relationship is salvageable? Do you think he'll change? I think so, because when I do get through to him, because when I bring these discussions to him, it's heated at first. I'm annoying, blah, blah, blah. But then he finally calms down and can center himself and hear me and then like apologize. It's trying to get him to remember.

I mean, what do you mean remember? Like he's not like on drugs, you know? I just want it to be important enough for him to remember. I mean, what do you mean remember? Like he's not like on drugs, you know? got pregnant with our first within the first five months of our relationship and like a week of living together and then when my son was six months old we moved to across the state no family no friends just with each other and I think we he works constantly all day, Monday through Friday, from like 7 to 8 p.m. So it's really difficult to do those things like counseling with each other, to go on dates. We don't have like a babysitter, things like that. So like all those outside factors make it difficult to salvage it because like we're both i think he's definitely

unhappy maybe even depressed sounds like he resents you it sounds like he resents the idea that he basically met you got pregnant sooner than he expected and he's not living out his 20s the way he wanted to and that's that's that's case scenario worst case scenario he's like a sociopath but you know maybe he just resents his life and you so much that he doesn't and this is not an excuse but doesn't realize just how cruel he comes across and how much he treats you and this resentment is turning into him just being so fucking mean to you because he's essentially just kind of hates his life. But if that's the case, you don't, you just, you're only 26. You don't deserve this. And as difficult as it might be to be a single mother of two, it can't be worse than this prison

that you live in. You are in prison. You are locked up in this small condo thankfully like not behind literal bars but like it's you're in white collar prison and you are being treated poorly and you're being belittled and talked down to and you're treated like a fucking slave you're like cinder you're his cinderella and not in a like prince charming sort of way like he's your wicked stepmother yeah um and i think i noticed things were sort of getting bad um like uh i want to say like three years ago i would try to be like i was finally losing baby weight i was feeling okay and i would try to like get close to him because i'm very i'm very like an affectionate person, very touchy feely.

Um, and I understand how that can be annoying sometimes, but then I noticed that it just like really bothered him. And one day, of course, I did the looking through his phone and I saw a Google search that said, why does it burn when my girlfriend touches me like he just really hated it and he held it meant that now he why does it burn when i touched him like a physical reaction like a vampire with garlic literally um and it was really hard to hear but I pride myself on being a very understanding person like the opposite of him and I was like okay I will give you your space like if that's what you need and I was really being cautious like touching him like again it's just weird we come from such

different backgrounds I came from a family who is like constantly hey how was your day eating dinner together talking to each other what i would watch movies with my dad all the time i have a great relationship with my dad and he set the bar really high have you talked to your dad about this there There was one time that I was just kind of over it and I needed to leave to a hotel just to get away because of how he was treating me. Again, for context, another situation. It was my youngest birthday. We're going to Cheesecake Factory, but it wasn't the day of his birthday.

His birthday was maybe two days later. And I was like yeah i'm gonna have them sing to him and in the parking lot as we're walking in he was like why would you do that that's so dumb like who even does that it's not his birthday and i was like yeah but it's also the weekend and his birthday's in two days and he was just like making such a thing out of it he's a fucking fucking bully. He's a bully. And I really think you need to tell your dad, if you have a good relationship with your father, I feel like you really need to sit down and like, you're telling me, you need to tell your dad everything you're

experiencing. I hope that your father would talk to you, like have a heart to heart with your boyfriend, you know, like you can't treat my daughter this way. And if, listen, if you're miserable, if you hate her, if you hate your life, fucking do something about it. Break up. Be the, be a good parent to your boys and like, let my daughter free herself from these fucking prison you have her in. You constantly belittle her.

And listen, if you hate your life, fine. Stop taking it out on her. A relationship is all about being and staying connected with each other. Things happen, life happens, stress happens, kids can cause you to feel disconnected, work can cause you to feel disconnected. But two people who are in a committed relationship, ultimately the goal and the promise is to always come back to each other. Clearly, there is no goal of trying to connect with each other. And so I would say that to him. It's like, I don't feel connected to you.

I don't even know if that's a priority for you. It is a priority for me to want to be connected to my partner. How can I feel close to you? How can we feel close to each other? And if his only answer is to leave me the fuck alone, that's not being connected. And then it's just like, do you want to be in this relationship? You seem miserable. You treat me like you're miserable.

You treat me like you hate me. And I'm miserable for how you treat me. I no longer want to be treated this way. And if there's hope for us, let me know. I am willing to work on it. Yeah, you're busy. If it's a priority, he'll make the time. If the only answer is I'm too busy for us to work on us or go to couples therapy or

individual therapy or whatever it is you guys need to do to try to get connected, then you need to get out. Then you need to cut your fucking losses and get out because you're only 26. You're a beautiful person. You got a lot of life in front of you. And I'd hate for you to continue to waste it on someone who treats you like they hate you. But in the short term, I would very much talk to your father.

I'm glad that you have a close relationship with your father. And I would just say, dad, I really need to be honest with you. I feel stuck. I feel hurt. I feel lost. I need your help, dad. You need someone to stand up for you. And clearly your boyfriend isn't, you know, and you're having a hard time standing up

for yourself. And that can be even difficult. I mean, you're raising two kids. You're stuck, you know, and I hate that for yourself. And that can be even difficult when you're raising two kids. You're stuck, you know? And I hate that for you. But hopefully your father can give you some courage and some wise words and make you feel like, hey, it's going to be okay. Some reassurance, move back home. He can't keep doing this. And I think you need to make it clear to your boyfriend that you've had enough. You got to find that courage to say, I won't be treated like this anymore. And he can't pay you off, so to speak. He can't treat you like an asshole and then just like pave for like new hair,

you know, or whatever it is. You don't feel loved. You don't feel connected. You don't feel like it's a priority for him to stay connected. And he's just fucking mean to you. He's mean. And I would just say, you clearly resent your life, and you clearly resent me, and that's best case. Because worst case is, you're just a mean fucking bully. And I don't think that is, because I see you treat other people the way I would beg for you to treat me, but you don't. You treat me like I'm your worst enemy. You treat me like you fucking hate me. And I am tired of being in a relationship with someone who treats me like they hate me. And I just won't put up with it anymore. Yeah. When I had gone to a hotel to get away from him, that was the birthday party thing. But my partner met me there at the hotel

and I was just like, I really want to talk about things. Because I told him I was like, I know I'm not perfect. I know there's things that I can work on. So what am what do I do that bothers you so much? It was just like, you're messy. You bore me. In his mind, all I do when I'm home with the kids is sit on the couch all day and poke ass like no that's I wish that was what I do I'm constantly up and down whatever I don't have to defend myself but in his mind that's all I did he was like there's nothing he said there's nothing to you and the real dig was when he was like, you remind me of my mom. That hurt because he does not have a relationship with his mom.

And all I've heard from his sisters is what a shitty mom she was. You got to leave this guy. He hates women. He hates us. The fact that he has this relationship with his mom is all i really needed to hear i feel like you got to find ways to get out of this stop asking him what you could do wrong he's just a fucking bully and he's using it as a way to use you as a punching bag and take out his anger he's not willing to he's not interested in fixing it

this is emotionally abusive and i don't use use that word lightly like so many people do. He's a fucking prick. And I just don't see how this is going to change anytime soon. Even if he got into therapy tomorrow. And I think you need to fully, again, talk to your dad, just whoever, friends. You need to start communicating what's going on to as many friends and family as possible. Pull no punches, be as honest with them about what he says to you and how he treats you as you have been with us and build up that support system so that you don't

feel alone and find that strength to leave. And it honestly, if it gets to the point where like, maybe you don't even give them the heads up, you take the boys you know he just fucking prick doesn't deserve i don't care if he's a good father but he is he's a prick i'm sorry you're going through this oh it's okay um and if this thing were salvageable do you have any advice for that? I don't think it is. No. No, no. What you're telling me, I mean, I can't, I just, I can't imagine ever speaking to anyone the way he speaks to you, let alone my partner. He uses you to take out whatever internal anger he has about himself or women in general, and you're his punching bag. It's abuse.

Step one would be some serious therapy for him as an individual, which I don't know if he'll agree to. And then two, couples therapy. But it also starts with you got to stop making excuses for him. You got to stop trying to fix it by asking him what you can do better. You know, you have to stand your ground and say, I refuse to have you speak to me this way. And when he starts name calling you or putting you down, you cut them off and say, I will not have you speak to me this way. Now that's step one. But again, that's such an uphill

battle and you're not married bonus for you because not married, bonus for you, because this is just friend to friend. I would go talk to your dad and then look up custody lawyers without telling him. I'd get ahead of it. I'd get a head start. That's what I would do. Yeah. Seems so hard. It is.

And I am so sorry you're going through this and i'm sure it sounds very scary but you are only 26 you're young you're beautiful you have you have way more life ahead of you than you have behind you it also feels like the type of thing where it feels like such an insurmountable like hill or like mountain to climb right now but i feel like if you're able to do this now you're going to reach the other side more quickly and you're going to be so thankful that you did as opposed to like the upcoming like months and years and slowly having just like this inclined awful battle with him so it's like it's kind of like do we want to do it really extreme right now to get to the other side or do we want to just like break it up into just a really long time of you continuing to feel this way okay yeah it's like stockholm syndrome you're like a

prisoner and you're just you just don't deserve this just like no one does fuck yeah it's i was such a pushover before that now i find myself kind of like getting tougher yeah well good thanks to him in a sense because I'm just tired of it I'm over it when days are bad with him or little arguments or he pisses me off I feel like that affects my temper and like my patience with my own kids you know like nothing crazy but i just don't have as much patience for them or i feel like listen he clearly has some childhood trauma he clearly has some childhood trauma his relationship with his mom obviously and maybe his mom was a terrible mother you know maybe she was that's not your fault it's not fit right for him to take it out

on you i would want to know do think, are you proud of how you treat me or do you not care? And if I remind you of your mother and you know, you hate your mother, then I don't like, we shouldn't be together. But man, for you all, what I want for you, I want you to find a good custody lawyer. I want your dad to step up to the plate and take care of his daughter. And I want him to find a way to bail his daughter out of this prison that you're in and say, it's going to be okay. And we'll figure it out. And if you have to move back home with the boys and we'll get a lawyer to make sure that you have, you know, the custody, you know, it's going to be tough with your parents live out of state. You know, I don't know, you might not be able to move, you know, because

you can't just like up and take the kids away from their dad, I think. But again, don't. I also wouldn't like to move, which is goes back to the whole convenience thing. Yeah. Well, I mean, just make them pay child support, you know, but you're going to have to get a lawyer maybe. My hope for you, honestly, is to try to break up amicably, to basically convince him that he is just as miserable as you are and that at the end of the day, you both are better off being single again. He probably would have, you know, listen, we'll figure out a way to co-parent our boys. You're a good dad. I want to be a good mom.

Let's just break up. You don't want to be with me. You hate me. You said you hate me. Yeah. And you both deserve, I mean, I don't give a shit about him, don't want to be with me. You hate me. You said you hate me. Yeah. And you both deserve. I mean, I don't give a shit about him, but you deserve to be happy. And I imagine he would prefer to date and hook up with other people.

I don't know. He fucking hates his life, clearly. And he hates you. I mean, it's not you. He hates women. Yeah. And he has such PTSD from his previous relationship that i constantly hear him say like that's just how you guys are that's how women are and i'm like well not every woman is the same and

that's like another petty argument we get into is me having the backs of other women whether it's on tv or wherever he just like gets easily picked off about it. It is pretty sick. Yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this. I just think in the short term, I really hope that you can start really standing up for yourself, not let him belittle you, stand your ground and say, you can't speak to this way. And then kind of plead with him and say, we are both miserable. You clearly are. And the way you treat me, I don't deserve it. Like, let's just figure out a way to be happy. You know, we're always going to be each other's lives. We have kids together. That's what I would hope for you,

to separate, have it be amicable, figure out a way you can co-parent. Hopefully he's willing to pay child support. But if you have to get a lawyer, you have to get a lawyer and go from there. And if he, at that point, if he thinks you're serious and comes around to say like, the way you feel about your mom, that's how you treat me until you resolve that. I can't be in a relationship with you. So if you're willing to work on that, fine.

You need to go to therapy. We need a couple's therapy. You need to make it a priority and I will accept nothing less. And you're just going to have to stand your ground and you're going to have to try to control your temper when he triggers you. It's an uphill battle and I'm really sorry you're going through this, but you are only 26 and I would just keep telling yourself that. I would keep telling yourself as shitty as this all feels, I still have a full

life ahead of me and I can have a happy life and I'm just going to have to make some tough choices and things are going to feel difficult in the short run, but you can get through this. You can. It's not going to be pretty or easy, but you can do it. And I would hate for you to accept this life the way it is now. And anything is better than what you have now. Okay. All right. I will let that marinate. Yeah. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I would really level with dad and mom and your friends and whoever is part of your support system and let them know just exactly what you're going through. Okay. That sounds good. All right. I'm sorry. It's okay. Thank you so much, Nick. All right.

Take care. We'll talk soon, okay? Thank you. All right. You got some baby. Thank you. All right. Take care. We'll talk soon. Okay. Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you've ever considered therapy, whether for yourself or for you and your partner, maybe some couples therapy, you got to check out BetterHelp. I understand that therapy can be intimidating. It can be

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This is their best offer yet and won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. Again, that's helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Use code helixpartner25 to get 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows right now. How's it going? Hi, I'm Bridget. I'm 28 years old and I'm calling in because my boyfriend broke up with me a couple weeks ago because he said he's unattracted to me and now he's trying

to get back with me and showing up to my house gotcha has your appearance drastically changed no well to preface he's 26 and i've dated him for like a year and a half there was like a break in there for a few weeks not even a month, earlier this year, like, in February, but we've been together since, and we had just gotten back from, like, a two-week trip in Texas together where we went to go see his family, and we, like, spent all of that time together, and it was great, I had thought, and thought and then like the week that we got back, then we like gotten a little argument. And somehow it escalated into him revealing that he's been unhappy. And his attraction to me has been diminishing over time. And he's,

he said a lot of things. He said, I feel the relationship is stale. I don't get as excited to see you, which was crazy because like we were even talking about moving in with each other in like November. So I thought we were like in a good spot. And then all of a sudden he's like, oh, I'm struggling with my attraction to you. And then when he wanted to get back together, did he take it all back or how did he reconcile and just, I lost feelings without belittling your appearances and his attraction and shit like that. Maybe he could say, well, I was just being honest, but let's just say what changed. And I'm curious, how did he reconcile these hurtful things he said to you when he was begging to have you back? Well, in the same evening, because we were having this conversation face to face, well, first of all, he wasn't really telling telling me anything and I'm the type of person where if you're not telling me

anything then I'm gonna I'm a prober I poke and I ask questions because what he was saying I I felt like he wasn't telling me the full like truth because he started off by saying things like oh i am unhappy with like our intimacy and i want to try different things which is totally fine to say you know like i am willing to try anything um and he was suggesting things like role play and me wearing lingerie and you know just trying more things trying to like entice him more trying to be more intimate which like and i know i've heard you say like oh another way of intimacy is just trying to like turn each other on with like your clothes on or something like that yeah just kind of touching and caressing and yeah just foreplay yeah yeah yes exactly so i was like okay well i can totally do all that but at the same time there was once when i on a whim organically i came to his place

wearing lingerie and just a coat and i was like hey and i wanted to surprise him. And then when we got down to it, he couldn't perform, if you know what I mean. I do. body, it's whatever. But I know there's more that goes into it. But he had told me at the time that he felt anxious. And he couldn't perform because I had texted him before I went over there. I was like, Oh, I hope you're ready for me when I get there. So because I said that he was anxious, he couldn't perform. And after that experience, I was like, Oh, I don't really feel confident going over wearing lingerie again you know i don't know what's going to happen but maybe that's something i just needed to get over what something you what did you need to get over getting over the fact that i that he couldn't

perform and just try wearing lingerie again even though like I did feel like insecure after that experience. Okay. Gotcha. All right. So yeah, he tells me all the time, like, Oh, this is the best sex I've ever had. Uh, the connection with you is the best I've ever had, blah, blah, blah. And so for me to hear, Oh, I actually feel stale about the relationship. I feel I'm unhappy with our intimacy. I was like, I feel I'm unhappy with our intimacy I was like this is not adding up I felt like there was more that he wanted to say that he wasn't saying and so I asked him like okay well if the issue is our intimacy and you know you're unhappy with that then I feel that's something I can work on that's something I can we can both change but if it comes down to just like your straight up attraction to me, then I can't do anything about it. Cause what am I going to do? Like, I don't plan on getting any

work done anytime soon. So I was like, okay, I feel like it's just your like fundamental attraction to me. Um, and then that's when he was like, yes. So I was like, okay, ouch. But what am I going to do? Gotcha. So you kind of got the truth out. Yeah, exactly. No. He didn't just show up on the door and called you ugly or something. So then he turns around and he's like, actually, I didn't mean that. I'm just terrified about moving in with you. And I've never reached this point in a relationship with someone before. in a relationship with someone before. And I'm just scared that if we live together and if we fight, then, you know, we're going to stonewall each other. And I just don't want it to be an uncomfortable living space. I'm just scared. And I still love you and all of this stuff. So I'm

just like, okay. Okay. Well, that's kind of hard to take back. You know, like my ego was for sure bruised. Okay. So what do you believe and what do you want? Listen, he did all these things. You broke up your, like, what's your goal of this call? Like, how can I help literally? And what do you believe?

Like, what's your gut tell you about how he feels about you? And what's your opinion about this relationship? And where do you want to go from here you could go on and on about all these things but i'm really curious about well what do you want from this moment to meet with a couple's therapist no no i want what do you want i don't care about what he wants right now and i I don't care about his ideas. I want to know what you want. I want to know if it's ridiculous for me to be open to going into this couple's therapist, given that like, we've only been dating for a year and a half. Like, is that a sign that it's just not going to work?

Gotcha. What's your gut tell you? I mean, I can give you my opinion, but I want to know what, what's your gut tell you? If you're being honest with yourself, what do you think? He's saying when he says, oh, my physical connection with you has been lacking because of our emotional connection being in trouble sometimes or at odds. I'm not curious in how you can empathize with him. I just want to know what your gut tells you. You know, what's your immediate reaction? I don't want to hear a whole long drawn out like, well, if I'm putting myself in his shoes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, he's also not you. Just what's your gut? What was more honest? And maybe

both were honest. He's afraid to move in with you. He's afraid of X, Y, and Z. He's afraid of commitment. I don't know. He can also just not be as attracted to you as he wants to be and you want him to be. So what do you believe are his truths i believe that him saying he's

not attracted to me i believe that's bullshit to be honest especially because i have such a big ego or just confidence that i'm like when he first told me that I'm like, that's not true. I don't fucking buy that. Because I'm okay. All right. I mean, not to be like super vain, but I'm a bodybuilder, you know, I like compete in bodybuilding shows. And I know I take care of myself. So in terms of like physical attraction, like, I'm not really worried about that. You're clearly a beautiful person. You can be a beautiful person and you can be not someone's type, you know? So I'm confident I am. So that's why like in terms of working towards the connection and building that emotional stability, I'm like, I believe we can do it. I believe I can be a better person and I want to do that. This isn't a challenge for you though. Again, I'm glad you can recognize you have an ego,

but you have to, as someone who has an ego, and we all do, you have to recognize to not take this as some sort of challenge. You're in bodybuilding. Clearly, it sounds like you have a competitive spirit. So a competitive spirit plus an ego is a recipe for you to take this as a challenge. And when you say, I know I can do better, what do you have to do better? I mean, again, we all can be better in a relationship, but his attraction to you or you being his type is not a challenge. And I want you to be in a relationship where you feel sexy and attracted and you know how your partner feels about you and you don't feel like you have to like you know do more reps or do like as you mentioned get work done you know he accepts and loves you for who you are and it can

be hurtful to the ego i get it and it can you know but like if this is not a challenge for you to me yes i guess when i said i do better i meant in terms of my words of affirmation to him as well because he is also a bodybuilder okay um and my encouragement in the way i give support emotionally i could definitely do better at that. Okay. So you asked what you want was asking if you were crazy to essentially go to couples therapy with someone that you've only been dating for give or take a year. So I don't think you're crazy. If, if you want, if this is a relationship you still want to work on, clearly these got, you guys have some problems. It is early, you know, but maybe couple therapy

will help you figure out better ways to be connected. You can focus on love languages and things like that and make each other feel heard and seen, yada, yada, yada. I think maybe you guys should table the whole

moving in together. You know, I don't think you have to be like, well, we shouldn't get couple therapy. If we're not living together, then it's silly to get couple therapy.

I think that's crazy talk. I do think most people think that way. I think before you move in together, you should be like, well, we shouldn't get couples therapy. If we're not living together, then it's silly to couples therapy. I think that's crazy talk. I do think most people think that way. I think before you move in together, you should be like, all right, we clearly have our problems. There's a love between us. We care about each other. We want to make it work. I don't know if we can make it work. So let's get some help because we're having a hard time doing it on our own. And maybe that hard time isn't a product of your love for each other. It could be a product of poor communication skills that both of you have, you know, child abandonment, trauma from your, you know, whatever, you know, it's amazing, not only okay, but amazing for two people like yourselves to acknowledge that, you know, maybe we can't do this on our own and maybe we need to

get some help. And maybe before we quit on this relationship, maybe an investment of six months in couples therapy will give us some more clarity and be open to it. I think if you're going to get couples therapy, you also have to be open to finding out that maybe you two aren't meant to be each other. And don't see that as a waste of money on couples therapy. You'll certainly learn a lot about yourselves. You'll learn a lot about relationships, but you'll also get clarity one way or the other, whether you guys should be together or not. So if you guys are willing to invest that time and money in couples therapy, hell yeah, go do it. I would also remove the pressure from the relationship of clearly moving in with each other right now is stressful for

both of you. And you don't need to do it. You're not engaged. And there's some mild inconveniences of expenses and staying at his places versus yours and yada, yada, but none of that matters. But clearly, moving in with each other is something, from what I'm hearing, that you guys aren't ready for. And that's totally okay because you have only been dating for about a year. I don't think it's ever too soon, and this is just my personal opinion, for two people who are committed to wanting to make a relationship work in a time where it's just, there's so many distractions and it's just difficult to make a relationship work

because of how easy it is for people to just quit on a relationship. I don't think it's ever too easy for people to humble themselves and ask for help by a professional or a third party to help them try to improve their connection, improve their emotional connection, help each other feel, make the other person feel seen and heard. I don't think it's ever too soon. And if you're both willing to do that, fucking go for it.

The worst thing that can happen is that you spend some money, you learn about yourselves, you learn a little about relationships, how to be a better partner in general, and then find out that you two aren't each other's person. And even though that might be sad, you will still get clarity and you won't be confused because if you don't make that investment, you could be doing this for another two years. On again, off again, wondering if it should work out, being afraid to let go, but not sure,

yada, yada, yada. And people do that all the time. So I don't think an investment in couples therapy, knowing that the worst thing that can happen is you guys just realize you're not each other's person, but then you'll have that closure and acceptance that you are looking for if you need to move on. As long as you, you know, it's important for you to feel sexy

and it's important for you to feel desired and just make sure that your ego is not stopping you from just accepting that maybe you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate the beauty that you bring to the table. I guess also because I have so many like couple friends around me and the few that I have told about potentially going to therapy with him are like oh my god like if you have to go to therapy with him like you guys aren't married like why aren't you yeah they're fucking stupid why are you going to therapy friends and relationships comparing relationships is the dumbest and least productive thing you can do because there's like this weird

like inherent competition between friends and being the most in love. If you want to break up, break up. But like, clearly you want to invest in something that's important to you. And I just think on a practical sense, taking love out of it, because people treat yeah, you get married, you fucking till death do you part. Now it's just like, well, if you're unhappy, leave, you know? And so to be in a committed relationship, it requires a lot of fucking work. And, you know, these friends that you have that have been in relationships, you know, great if they are able to make it work, but trust me, their opinion on therapy isn't going to help them whenever they realize they might have some challenges. You're just willing to humble yourself to be willing to get some help. I would stop asking the opinions of your friends about topics like that. At the same time, why I was weary about going to couples therapy with him is because I know in my past relationships, I'm always the one that clings on until I'm like

pushed away. Like I just have a hard time like letting people go. And so I worry if that's what I would be doing here if I'm like fighting for something. But the fact that he suggested it, the fact that he's been pushing for us to mend things together. I mean, despite he said all of that hurtful shit, I've been trying to take that as like a sign. Well, it's not a, there's no signs. Listen, I don't know the answer to your question. There's definitely some red flags for yourself.

This ego you talk about having a hard time letting go. You might go to couples therapy and you might get an answer, which is, this isn't the best relationship for me. And my desire to go to couples therapy and save this relationship was more of a product of me having a hard time letting go than actual love here. I can't answer that. You might get that answer in couples therapy. I'm just saying, I don't think there's anything wrong with making an investment in yourself and in your relationship and getting clarity. I don't know what clarity you're going to get, but I don't think you're crazy for trying to find out and being willing to spend a little money on it. And I don't think anything bad

can come from making a little bit of an investment in your mental health or your relationship health. Yeah. And I wouldn't let your friends make you feel judged for making that investment. I think you have to be open to any possibility. Just because you get couples therapy doesn't mean you can't break up. You know, if you're saying we're gonna get couples therapy because we refuse to accept that we might not be right for each other,

I wouldn't go in with that mindset. I would go in with the mindset of, clearly there's some love here. We care about each other. We want to try to make this work, but we have our problems. You know, we've said some hurtful things. i have yeah to be honest then great then give it a shot and if it doesn't work out don't let anyone shame you for trying yeah at first i was really resistant um because the day after he had broken up with me he like sent me these articles for like uh avoidant attachment style

issues and like bpd well you guys need to stop being each other's therapists so either you know go to couples therapy maybe even some individual therapy but like you guys like don't be fucking sending each other diagnosis that you've discovered on the internet, you know, and just make sure you guys are just as honest with your therapist as you are with us right here. And your goal as a couple is to figure out how to be more connected, more consistently. It's not trying to fix the other person. He doesn't need to send you articles about your attachment style. Well, I think he was sending me that to explain himself he was like oh i think this is my issue like here's an explanation as to why i said that okay maybe so i feel like we've

come to a we've answered your question we've come to a conclusion which is you're not well you're not willing to walk away yet that's totally reasonable and okay there's nothing wrong with fighting for a relationship a little longer than you otherwise should at least you will leave with no regrets and you're going to go into couples therapy because he's willing and you're willing with an open mind to figure out is this the right thing for both of you and you're willing to find out that it is and you're willing to find out that it isn't you're right you are right yeah that's what i'm going to do. Now I feel more confident. Yeah. In progressing forward. Cause I know I have that mindset. Yeah. Well keep us posted. Be honest with your therapist

about like what your fears about why, you know, am I, am I here for us or am I here to try to prove something to myself or prove to him? You know, I have a tendency of staying in relationships too long. Be honest, be open about putting everything on the table, you know, I have a tendency of staying in relationships too long. Be honest. Be open about it. Put everything on the table. Okay. You know? Yeah. And go from there. And just say, hey, we're not ready to move in. And that's okay.

And there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, that's progress for us to just be honest with each other about where we're at in our relationship. Let's not put unnecessary stress on ourselves. We've only been dating for a little over a year. We're both in our mid to late 20s. There's no rush. Let's just be kind to each other and let's just go from there all right and thank you for being willing to go to couples therapy with you i'm glad i you know saw some appreciation for what he did do what you said was really hurtful i'm hoping i can get over it but i

do appreciate you willing your willingness to work with me and do this together. And let's go from there. Yeah, he's definitely willing. And that's a really good thing to say, to like acknowledge that. So thank you for that. Yeah. Well, keep us posted. Okay, thank you so much. Good luck.

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We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. How's it going? It's going well. My name is Jessica. I am 32 and I am debating on leaving my marriage for my first love. Okay, let's separate the two. I don't know how you're seeing it, but why are you considering leaving your marriage? I just have not been happy. I think I went into the marriage out of comfort and I am only 32 and I've been married for a year. We've been together for eight, but we have seen many ups and downs and more downs than ups. And despite me being very open with communication, nothing has changed.

And so now, even if I don't leave for my first love, I still feel like I am staying for comfort. Okay. Well, I guess I'm in a way glad to hear that, that regardless of what happens with your quote unquote first love, because I do think that's important, you know, and it might be hard for you to be honest with yourself. And how did you reconnect with your first love? We have never broke communication. Why? It's not my proudest moments,

but we have talked on Instagram in vanish mode and we have kept communication open all throughout. I mean, last I dated him, it was when I was 21. And he's had relationships, and I've had relationships. But there has always been that communication, maybe we'll go, you know, a couple months, nothing will be said. And then one of us will pop into the chat and opens the communication. How could you have been fully committed to working on your relationship if you were always kind of talking to him? I just don't think that it's gone that next step. Like we've maintained communication as friends, but I mean, there's always that lingering feeling there.

So it's like, we're never going to be just friends. So I understand like I'm, I'm not giving, you know, my husband a hundred percent. Um, but I've tried, I have definitely tried. How do you feel like your husband feels about your relationship? Is he, do you think he's happy with the relationship? I think he's happy. Um, he always tells me that we need to work on our communication, but I mean, I will go into like these deep conversations about what I need and it doesn't get met. It'll be great for like a week. So, you know, last week was really amazing this week. It's like, I am just, we're in like roommate mode. Describe amazing week and describe roommate mode. Amazing week is like,

we're, you know, sending each other messages during the day while he's at work and I'm home with the kids kind of deal. Um, uh, you know, like the sex is phenomenal that week. Um, it's fun. It's like, we're excited to see each other, excited to hang out. Um, and then, you know, this week it's like, I feel like I'm just a roommate. Like there's no, there's no communication, you know, where it's Wednesday, but I've, I've hung out by myself the past, like two nights by myself downstairs and he'll just stay up here and scroll tiktok aimlessly for hours so it's just it goes back and forth like that constantly and it's it's kind of always when you're having your great week

are there like boundaries that you guys are enforcing you know one maybe boundary being is like every night we spend 45 minutes together working on our connection or we're not we're not going our separate ways i mean i what how does it go from that to that if you don't prioritize being connected and staying connected you won't it's if you do nothing the default i think usually for people as life happens and you have kids and you have stresses is to disconnect. It takes energy and effort to stay connected. Absolutely. I mean, I just, I've communicated like what I need and the relationship and it's like, I have planned all of our date nights. I feel like our proposal, like I planned the proposal in a way, like I, it was our anniversary. It was our five-year anniversary.

And, you know, I had a date planned out and there was candles and all those kinds of things that a woman would love to come home to. And I do all those types of things. So even though I'm communicating like, Hey, this is something that would be really awesome. If we just, you just plan a date night for us. And it like never happens. I can only try so much. It's got to be both of us trying together. And I just, I'm not getting that effort. It'll be great for like a week. And then it's like, he goes to work on Monday and it's, I don't know, it's like back to the roommate mode. I can't, I can't get out of it. Have things escalated with the first love? When you say I'm thinking about leaving my husband for my first love, are you guys

crossing some serious lines at this point? Or if you left your husband, that would be the first person you'd reach out to type of thing. Currently, my first love is engaged. When he reached out about a week ago, he ghosted me a few months ago. Again, after we got deep into conversation about what this is. So he reached out to me about a week ago, long winded message about, he wants to see what this means he can't stop thinking about me what is it and the deeper we get into conversation I asked him if I'm going to uproot my entire life I'm not just going to jump into something

right away with him I'm not going to move in with him that's silly I have kids I'm not going to make that decision right off the jump but I want to know how serious he is. And he's telling me that when we hang out, if those feelings are still there, which it seems like they are, he is going to move out and break up with his fiance because it's not fair to her and her heart. And I respect that. But before he's willing to do the right thing, he needs to try you out. I don't know. See, that's just it. Like, he just basically says, like, he wants to hang out and see what this means. But I think, you know, just hanging out and going to dinner for a few hours is not even going to give us, like, an actual answer. Correct.

Really? Like, we're not going to get anything from that dinner. If anything, it's just going to deepen the feelings in my head. Yeah, I agree. feelings in my life. Yeah, I agree. Listen, it sucks, obviously, to feel like a roommate in a committed relationship, especially in a marriage. When you have kids, I can only imagine that. And I can only imagine the loneliness at times you might feel and the sadness and missing feeling beautiful or loved and feeling important, I'm sure that can get to you. So much so that I imagine that if someone else, like someone you were in love with,

or someone from your past, or just a random new guy who was willing to pay you a compliment and make you feel sexy and make you feel desired, how that might feel. But you need to recognize, as it relates to Mr. First Love, that how you feel about him is a product of how you're feeling about your husband. And they're very much connected. My advice to you, if you're interested, is to deal with your shit at home. I would reach out. I mean, I hate that you're talking to this other guy. And if you don't want to ghost him, my advice to you is say, I need to figure out my life at home before I do anything. And so we need to stop talking.

I'm going to block you or whatever. I don't know if you can, you know, whatever you can do. Or maybe you don't block him. I don't know. But you have to enforce that boundary that you set with yourself and communicate to him. And then i would start having more honest conversation you know with your partner have you guys done therapy your husband your husband we did it like two years into our relationship um he doesn't seem to be

super interested in going maybe you just need to be honest with your husband i don't know if you want to tell him about what you've been doing on the side, but shit, you know, level with him. I'm not happy. Here's why. You know, one week I feel important. The other week I feel not like a roommate and I just can't keep doing this. And I'm having some very scary thoughts. I can't keep doing this.

And so I need to figure this out with you. I mean, if you want to leave him now, fine. But I, I think it's very dangerous and risky for you to want to leave him now fine but i i think it's very dangerous and risky for you to to leave him for that other guy because first of all you're both cheating you are and i mean not physically but you're both cheating right uh which is a recipe for disaster for the both of you if you guys were to start a relationship you know as soon you get into that relationship, you're going to start wondering, is he going to do the same thing to me? Is he going to do it with his fiance? And he might think the same thing. It's kind of a toxic place to start. And you guys right now are kind of using each other. I don't know

what he's not getting in his relationship, but you are giving him something he's not getting. And so he's using you for that. You're using him for the same thing. You're not getting something out of your current relationship. He's giving that to you. And so you're using him and you guys are calling it love. Maybe you guys might have something. I don't really know, but you're definitely playing with fire and you're definitely being a little, for lack of a better word, delusional.

It's really hard for you two to be honest about the potential of this relationship while you're both trying to make other more serious relationships work. This kind of planning and getting together, it's so fucking dirty and toxic. So I would cut that out and figure your shit out at home and decide, is this a marriage that I can save or not? Do I want to work on it or not? There's no wrong answer. If you want to leave this marriage, you have every right to leave this marriage. If you don't even want to work on it, you don't have to. That's up to you. But make your decision based off of this relationship because you have no idea what's going to happen with this guy or anyone else.

And before you blow up your whole family, make sure you have your answers about what is possible with your husband or not possible. That would be my advice. And I don't think this other guy should be part of that decision. I guess I'm just nervous to lose him now that it's so, yeah, it's not, it's not great. I mean, I'm already married. But him being engaged just means, you know, if he goes down the aisle, then I feel like we're completely done and there is no us. And then there is, well, there's no, you know, he fills a need and the need he's feeling is

easily replaced. You have a little bit nostalgia because he was your first love that's all that is it's bullshit nostalgia is bullshit yeah that's what i worry about is if i'm just like oh like you know we dated from 15 to 21 and we're not like we're just kids at that age and now we're 32 and 35 so yeah i don't know if like it's just missing those years because i, those were the freedom years. And when you're growing up, you're having fun. It's just weird. I just keep being drawn back to him. I don't know what it is. Well, lack of whatever you're not getting out of your current relationship and availability and access. That's what it is. You have some

familiarity. There's a comfort level. He probably provides some level of safe space. Again, toxic, but safe, I guess. But there's a lot of things that are playing into why you feel the way you do that have nothing to do with true love or romance or anything that's going to predict the health of this relationship that you'd be willing to blow up your family for. If you blow up your family, I want it to be because you have accepted that you just don't want to be with your family for. If you blow up your family, I want it to be because you have accepted that you just don't want to be with your husband anymore, regardless of what you decide to do after you leave the marriage. So say I leave my marriage and this person that I am talking to,

do you think that we're just, it's just toxic and it would never- I have no idea. I don't know anything about them. I don't know anything about the relationship. I just, I know what I'm hearing from you. And I just know that there is some toxic things going on in that relationship. There are a lot of red flags in that relationship. Maybe you can overcome it. I don't know.

But you need to be aware of your risks. And it has risks. You know, like you said, when you first called in, I'm thinking of leaving my husband for this guy. I think that is a huge mistake. Just the thought process. Now you may decide to divorce your husband and you may end up with this guy, but as much as you can, I feel like you need to try to separate the two and have them be two separate decisions, especially since he's in a fucking relationship. And your character and his character, even though you're both kind of doing shitty things, might be totally different. And you might be thinking, well, I'm not getting this and I'm not getting that out of my marriage. And

that makes me feel a little justified, even though I feel guilty for talking to him. You have no idea why he is doing what he's doing with you. He sounds like he's a little bit more control and he feel, it sounds like just a little bit that she's not doing anything wrong. He just likes you a little bit more, which obviously it must make you feel good and make you feel validated. But that to me is a sign of a guy who's willing to trade up. When it comes to being a committed relationship, we're always going to have the option at times maybe to quote unquote trade up. And sometimes trading up is just a product of finding something new and shiny. It's just weird because he's had two serious relationships and he's the one who keeps

reaching back out to me. So I don't know. It just feels like there's something there. No, I mean, maybe. But more likely is that he could be the type of guy. And there are many who always need something on the side and always need a validation fix and always need to feel that kind of toxic stimulation because sometimes people can get bored in relationships and the complacency of having sex with the same person, you know, all the time.

And just knowing that you guys broke up at 21 and you still light a candle for him makes him feel good about himself. That could be the reason. Just pure need for validation. It could be a result of some sort of childhood trauma that he hasn't fully figured out. There are far more explanations for why he has continued to reach out over the past couple years that have nothing to do with romance or love or speak to why you two should be together. I can make a long list of reasons

that have nothing to do with that, which is why he reaches out. And if I were a betting man, I'd bet it on one of those reasons being the reason. Because if you guys really respected each other, you wouldn't be doing this with each other. That's true. And listen, you're in a tough situation. And listen, it's tough.

It's tough to feel like maybe you're in a loveless marriage. And it's tough to try and plan all these dates only for your partner to just not put in the effort. I get it. I can understand why you're sad and disappointed, but figure your shit out with your husband first and make sure that you're, if you're going to divorce your husband, it's because there's no hope for that relationship and be open to the possibility that maybe you'll reach out to this other guy and maybe you will date. But I would tell yourself that it's more likely than not that if I divorce my husband,

tell yourself that it's more likely than not that if I divorce my husband, I'm not going to end up with this other guy. Yeah. Because honestly, friend to friend, I feel like that's the more likely outcome. Well, it's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I get it. I'm listening. I think that I just need to open up communication with my husband again and just have a serious, awkward conversation. Yeah. Right now, it sounds like you've tried and you've been, hey, I'm sad.

Can we work on this? I'm sad. And listen, it's easy to take our partners for granted, especially in a marriage. But he needs to realize just how close you are to asking for a divorce, how unhappy you are, and how much you need him to step up and have that conversation first. Because if you can tell me that you, and when he does step up, that you can feel love and you can feel happy, that there's something there to save. And this other guy is just a fucking product of a fantasy. You're creating a relationship in your head and it's based off of what you're not getting in your marriage. That person will always seem awesome in your head and it's based off of what you're not getting in your marriage, that person will always seem awesome in your head. And I am telling you, however you imagine him to be,

he will not live up to those expectations. You're probably right. I know I'm right. It just, yeah, I don't know. It just sucks. I don't know. But I think I need to just focus on the marriage. It does suck. Yeah sorry and who knows maybe you'll end up with this other guy happily ever after but i just would be very careful about how you make those decisions and and and i would be very careful about the possibility of lying to yourself and i would i would make sure there are two very separate decisions yeah i don't want to blow up my entire life and like my family for something that i have in my head where it's not likely not even going to work out. And you need to figure out what this other guy is giving you

and replace it with something healthier. All that he's giving me is just, uh, it's just attention. Like it's just actually listening. It's something so simple that if my husband would just do that, then this guy probably, I don't know. It just, it bothers me because my mind always goes back to this one guy. It's weird. I think about him constantly throughout our time apart. It's been like 10 years since I've even seen the guy. And it's just weird that he just pops up every once in a while, even when we're not talking, it'll be months on end. Because you created a character in your head of someone who will always listen to you and always be there for you and sees you for how you want to be seen but most of that is in your head not reality because he's only pops in when you need him and

he knows how to say the right things and it's you know but he's not there for the dirt you don't need me to tell you about the challenges of a relationship and how there's a lot of grunt work so to speak and there's a lot of like unsexiness of just making a relationship and how there's a lot of grunt work, so to speak. And there's a lot of like unsexiness of just making a relationship work and raising kids together and, you know, making ends meet. Like it's a fucking grind and you don't have to do any of that right now with this other guy. You only talk to him when you need him and he knows exactly what to say and it always feels good. He's just a, he's a fix. Yeah. I think maybe just cutting off communication would probably be better for both of us. Cause I, sometimes I feel like I'm an experiment in some sort of way because he said to me

the other day, he wants, he doesn't want to make the same mistake that I have made. So I feel like he sees that I'm in an unhappy marriage and I don't know if he's like trying to not make the same decision, but I'm still not end game for him, I guess. It makes me feel like I'm just an experiment when he says stuff like that. Yeah. You know, when things feel off, listen to that part about the shit he says. I can imagine why it would be easier for you to ignore that because you don't want to lose hope, another hope in someone else. But again, you're making a situation harder for yourself by even talking to him and then it's harder for you to want to you know put in the work

and while i don't doubt you that you're the one planning shit and that you're trying with your husband the fact that you've been talking to this guy at all tells me that you clearly you haven't tried as hard as you could how could you if you already if you have this kind of side hustle so to speak yeah that's fair i mean i don't feel i feel icky about it it's not great you know going on instagram and i know texting somebody and then hiding it and it's you feel that's taking a lot of your energy and that's energy you could be putting into your relationship now clearly your husband has to step up and you have the right to be sad about your current state of your current relationship, regardless of your actions. But you're at the verge of leaving this guy. You DM'd us and you wrote in and we thank you for calling.

So what do you have to lose? Just be fucking honest. Just keep it real. And at least have the conversation before you make a decision. At least see if he's willing to say, oh shit, man, I didn't realize it was that bad. Let's get into couples therapy. Let's work on it and find ways to hold each other accountable. How can you reconnect and stay connected? But hey, marriage is hard, you know, and it takes two people to make it a priority. And you need to know he's willing to make it a priority. The good news is, is that you guys have some consistent good weeks and yeah, it would be

nice if it was every week, but at least there's something, it sounds like there is something there. It sounds like you still love your husband. There's some love there. You have a family together. When he is making you a priority, you feel love and you're getting what you need. And hopefully he's willing to realize just how close he is to losing you. And hopefully he's willing to make it work. That's fair. I think just an awkward conversation maybe tonight and just stop stewing over it and see what we can do, I guess. And then, um,

I have been talking to this other guy today, um, because I asked, you know, when are we going to be seeing one another and he's like oh it's hard and I'm trying to be more chill so it's not hard on you so I think he reached out to me but I don't even think that he's super serious if he can't even

figure out time to go for coffee he's juggling you that's a red flag the fact that you have been willing not that it's right but you've been willing to like actually put your money where your mouth is, so to speak. And then he's not. And I think my prediction is if you were to find the courage to cut him off, he's going to find what he has with you as someone else.

Yeah, I guess I'll have an awkward conversation with my husband tonight. I don't know that I'll tell him that I have always kept communication open with this guy. Yeah. That's for you to decide. I mean, maybe first he just needs to realize how unhappy you are. And I'm assuming that will, you know, if you want to try to fix the relationship, you know, I would lead with love. I love you, but I need to be honest with you. I'm not happy. Here's why I'm not happy. And I'm so unhappy to be honest that I'm having some really dark thoughts about our marriage. And I just want to be honest with you because I'm hoping we can fix that. And I'm hoping you care enough to want to do something. And I know we both need to do our

part and we both need to take accountability, but are you willing to work with me to make this right? And then, you know, you find the right therapist that plays that third party and helps you guys communicate more effectively. And then you start talking about new expectations and how, you know, what makes you happy? What makes you frustrated? You know, find out what each other needs as individuals you know maybe he's like all right well babe i know i'm not a tick tock too much but i just need to figure out how i can decompress from time to time and then you can be like all right well what does that look like okay well i need an hour here and an hour there so whether he's on tick tock or playing fantasy football or whatever

or golfing like then you know it's like hey you're gonna have this time that's okay and i don't need to be the center of your attention all the time. But what I do need is to be the center of your attention consistently. And this is what I need from you. And it would really be meaningful to me for you to plan a date. Hell, I planned our engagement. I just need to know you care. I want you to make me feel special.

And I haven't had you made me feel special in a long time. What I've had is made you feel like you have to do the bare minimum just to shut me up sometimes. Yeah. And see how he responds. And eventually, if you, you know, in six months after giving it a shot, or maybe you talk to him tonight

and he's just like, well, you know, I feel the same way, let's get divorced. Well, then you have your answer. But just deal with your shit. Protect your character. And if you find out you, the best thing for you is to leave the relationship, then maybe reach back out to that guy. I would have

low expectations of him and, you know, you can get back out there and start dating. All right. Well, I appreciate the tough love and, uh, it was good to have a third party because I've had all these feelings just kept up to myself and I haven't spoken to anybody about it. So I do appreciate you having me on. And we're here to help. Keep us posted. If you and your husband ever want to do a mediation call, we're down. But in all seriousness, I think you guys need to get a couple of therapists first.

And please keep us posted. All right. Noted. And I will keep you guys posted. All right. Take care. Thanks. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick. All right. Take care. Thanks. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com We're back tomorrow with Rachel Rechia. See you then. Bye.