The Viall Files - E646 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 12

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Welcome back to The Viall Files! Today we have another special “where are they now” update show where we give you updates from our past callers to see what’s happened in their situations and relationships since appearing on the show.  We bring on our first caller who had originally called in regarding a text requesting a “romantic tryst” with her, but has since started to date women and exhibit some toxic dating habits. We find out if she’s still leaning into the drama, or if she’s begun intentionally dating. Our second caller had first called in because her ex-situationship worked out at her gym, and she was having a hard time letting go. We discover if she’s finally found a new gym, or if she couldn’t work out healthier dating choices. Our third caller who was debating telling her friend she had feelings for him before he moved out of the country. We find out what his response was and the status of their relationship now.  We also have some written updates - Our caller who’d been Instagram DM’ing someone, but wasn’t sure how to take it further, our caller who had a threesome where everyone caught feelings, and our caller who was unsure of how to break-up with her boyfriend of 4 years.  To catch up on all of these callers original questions please see the show numbers:   Original Episode numbers for callers: Episode Number: 630 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 11, 575 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 7, (First appeared on Ep545 Francesca Farago - Likable Villain Gone Bad) Episode Number: 588 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 8, 562 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 6, (First appeared on Ep537 Ask Nick - There’s No Medal For Staying Friends) Episode Number: 637 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend’s Emotional Affair With His Cousin  Original Episode numbers for written updates: Episode Number: Ep636 Going Deeper with Wells Adams - It’s a Girl, Bachelor Weddings, and Joe vs. Sophie Episode Number: Ep640 Ask Nick - Everyone Caught Feelings During Threesome Episode Number: 604 Ask Nick Updates Special Episode - Part 9 (First appearance on Ep592 Ask Nick - I Need To Stop My Soulmate’s Wedding) “You invest in yourself, now you have to reap the rewards.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.fm  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store. Android User? Listen here: https://www.onamp.com/  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files update special classic whatever what are we calling it? Update Special Edition? Yeah. Yeah, good for us. Yeah. Aren't you guys excited? Another, another update. We love them. We love giving them to you. We love bringing them to you. I know you're thirsting for more.

Good news, there is more out there. You know, I'm going to say it's Vile Files Plus. And if you love this update special, you are going to love the 14 additional update specials behind Vile Files Plus. So when you get done with this update, go catch yourself up on all the other stories that we have some updates on.

Is there anything you guys want to just like announce to our audience or anything like that? I'm pregnant. Oh, congratulations, Allie. All right. With my baby.

Okay. You asked for an announcement. Like a food baby or? Nick. You're not allowed to ask a woman that. don't know well i was just confirmed i don't know if the uh other people you know nowadays i'm not sure what we can or cannot say you know can we joke about pregnancy ask your fiance she doesn't give a shit she got pregnant well i'm not actually pregnant i that would be a miracle it would be a miracle. It would be a Virgin Mary type of situation without the Virgin.

The Blessed Mother and Alison Martin. Yeah, what? Sharing a seat at the throne. Okay. A lot of Catholic jokes out there. I've never heard the Blessed Mother. That's so elevated. That's a hardcore Catholic right there.

Queen. Queen Mary. Queen Mother. hardcore Catholic right there. Queen. Queen Mary. Queen Mother. Queen Mother Mary. Notre Dame. I went to La Sagrada Familia and I was like, Beautiful church. Yeah,

I had a moment where I was like, I really understood religion. It contextualized like how, why religion is so impactful. I'm like, oh my God, being in a space like this, I really see why it was such a,

and continues to be, presence in people's lives and like source of reverence. Wow. Okay. It's crazy. Stained glass for days. Oh, yeah. That's my announcement.

That's a grotto of Amelia. Beautiful. You're like, oh, stained glass. This is why these people believe in this crazy shit. I love stained glass and I feel like that

would be like my most unhinged interior design choice would be like trying to like get a little stained glass window in there. And I was speaking for Amanda not me

I don't think it's crazy shit just a minute just kidding you know to each their own thank you whatever you believe in we support we do

we sure sure do well anyway anyways writer enter yep from Wells Adams episode remember

I thought Wells wrote in no put him on blast yeah no remember she called in she'd been Instagram DMing someone I thought Wells wrote in. Put him on blast. No, remember she called in. She'd been Instagram DMing someone with kind of a following and she was like unsure of how to elevate it. The podcaster. Oh, yeah.

And I know who that is. Yeah. She told us secretly. Because they were talking. Yes. They were talking. Like FaceTiming every day or something. That's significant. And she had the girls trip to his city, but the girls trip got canceled. She wasn't Like FaceTime me every day or something. That's significant.

And she had the girls trip to his city, but the girls trip got canceled. She wasn't sure if she should still go or not. And our advice to her was to tell him the girls trip fell through, but like, I could still come. So she messaged us. She said, I ended up telling him on FaceTime that the girls trip was canceled. The way I brought it up was I told him I got good news and bad news. Bad news is the girls trip was canceled. The way I brought it up was I told him I got good news and bad news. Bad news is the girls trip is canceled. As Wells predicted, I was able to see instantly that he was bummed out. And then I said the good news is I'm still willing to come out for you. We ended up picking a different weekend because it works better for his schedule.

He seemed genuinely excited about having a few days instead of just a little bit of time. I did bring up how I'm typically more reserved and not to have high expectations sexually for that weekend. He simply said, I was able to tell that you are reserved and we will go at whatever type of pace you're comfortable. Flights and hotel have been booked. Okay. That's so awesome.

That's an amazing update. I love that. That's so exciting. So we'll have to check back in. Do we know when, what weekend it ended up being? It was supposed to be in October, but she said they picked a different weekend. Okay.

But maybe a different weekend in October. Okay. I'll ask. If this becomes a successful relationship, we demand that they come on Ask Nick. Yes. Please. That's good. We'll promote his show.

On Ask Nick? You want them to come on Ask Nick? Yeah. I mean, yeah, sure. Or an update. Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

We'll figure it out. It's like the opposite of mediations, like the victory lap. Yeah, yeah, sure. Or an update. Yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. We'll figure it out. It's like the opposite of mediations, like the victory lap. Yeah, yeah. People who have no issues are just like, we're happy. Yeah. That's so awesome. We're happy for you. Jessica.

Well, next step's great. We love. So they picked a weekend. The FaceTime every day is significant. Yeah. That's big. So if he wanted to, he would kind of thing. Like I just, for all the people, it's like, oh, we went on a date.

I heard from him in seven days. My question for her, though, is did he pay for the flight or the hotel? I don't think he needs to. I don't think that's his responsibility. Well, whatever. Yeah, I think it's something where it's not. Responsibility? Not responsibility, but like could be a really nice gesture to acknowledge that like she's taking to, you know, she's taking the time to travel.

She is going to him, you know? Yeah. I have mixed feelings on that. It's definitely possible. Did you pay for Natalie's flights when she would come out here? Yeah. Interesting. What mixed feelings do you have about it?

I think you can. I don't think you need to. Okay. You know? I didn't say he needed to. I was just like curious if he did. think you need to okay you know i didn't say he needed to i was just like curious if he did i also think it it if you if you pay for yourself i mean you know gran i'm glad she set those expectations about sex you know yeah but when you pay things for yourself it just makes you feel a

little bit better about you know a thousand percent not that you owe them if you do it's just i think it's easier to feel like indebted to them. Like, even though, you know, I owe them nothing. I can do whatever I'm comfortable with. If they do like pay for your stuff, I think it can be very easy to enter a mindset of like wanting to be accommodating towards their like hopes and dreams for the weekend. If they start dating and it's long distance, then I think. Yes.

Yeah. I didn't pay. Like when I met up in new york i didn't pay for her flight you know but when we started hanging out on a regular basis and i was like hey i want to see you fly out to la well that's exciting wow do we know when is it soon i just asked that originally it was supposed to be in october she said they picked a different weekend but it could be a different weekend in October. I will ask. I was like, October's a whole month. They're like, get on it. Yeah.

Guys, I'll ask. No, no. I'm excited to find out. Well, this is exciting. We're excited. I hope it works out. All right. Let's get to our first caller update.

Welcome back, Drama Debbie, my drama queen. How are you? I actually have COVID right now, Emisa. But how are you? Of course you do. Nick! COVID selects people at random. There's always a story with Debbie. Did a love interest give it to you?

That would be classic. COVID's going around LA right now. It's true. Everyone has it. No, I know. I know, I know. What's up, Debs? So, I've learned a lot from you.

The last episode. Say more. You told me I'm addicted to toxic stimulation and drama i did maybe let's play a quick clip to remind our audience of the harsh but necessary feedback that i delivered to you last last update welcome back debbie hey nick how are you so good how are you i'm okay i can use your help. Okay. Let's play a quick clip and get a quick update, a reminder of what she called about. Welcome back, Debbie. Bring us up to speed. So this is your second update. And last time we talked, you were dabbling in the dating women arena.

Yes. So I was dating a man and a woman and deciding which one to go with. And? And so I ended up dating the woman, continuing to go with that. So I dated this woman and we, it's been like a couple. And it was honestly very solid. I actually even told my parents about it, which was a big deal for me as well. I learned far in the relationship that she was non-monogamous. Learning that late into our relationship was unfair in a lot of ways. And when she told me that I liked her so much, I tried to just accept it and just make it work for myself,

even though I was like not being true to my own values about it. And it ended up turning into be a disaster. And so I'm calling because I'm like not over the situation. I'm just like, I'm upset. This is the first woman you've ever dated? Seriously, yeah. That in itself, I would imagine,

could be kind of intense and new. And the fact that you were rejected by her, I can imagine that might fuck with you. This is all to say like, you know, maybe you just got to give yourself some time and some grace. Most breakups are shitty and rejection sucks. And when we're rejected by someone,

we do this weird thing, like put them on a pedestal. But I'm just wondering if maybe it's just more everything that you're sad about and the fact that she was inconsiderate during the breakup and things like that. But I doubt very much that she is going to be irreplaceable. And so I think you just have to accept and grieve the the loss i think you it would you would serve yourself well if you would just accept the fact that she was inconsiderate and that maybe she's just more of an inconsiderate person than you thought she was and then move on rather than tell yourself that you are owed this by her. And then that you, and then she basically has a debt to pay.

Cause when we say things like, well, I, I, I deserve this. I was owed this by them. Well, in your mind,

then you're kind of thinking, well, then they, well, if they haven't given you what they owed you, they still owe you. And then therefore you have to hold them accountable. And then you have a hard time letting go of the thing that you think they owe

you, except that she, this is how she handled it. That can be part of the moving on process. Like, hey, what I want is to consider a person. When we were vibing, when she was getting what she wanted, when she needed, we had good chemistry. She met my emotional needs. But when things weren't going her way, I couldn't count on her. Being able to count on someone is a big part of a relationship and being a big part of being able to count on someone as their willingness to step up when you need them, not just only when they're available. way rather than I was owed this by her and I still haven't gotten it.

So therefore I need to keep telling myself that she owes me and then stay emotionally kind of stuck and invested. Are you deliberately messy just so you can come back on the show? I know. What is this? Like the third or fourth time now? Debbie is a staple of this show for the listeners. Debbie is the iconic caller that has brought you things like romantic tris basketball makeouts transitioning to dating women yes okay are you still dating

women i am dating women primarily okay when we last spoke i was dating a man and a woman and then i leaned into the woman and then we ended things and that was where we left off last time. Okay. Was there advice I offered or? Yeah. So last time I was all upset how she ended over a voice note. I was really upset. Um, you told me not to really overthink it and I don't need closure. I can like move on on my own. Um you listen to me or not turn out well? So you didn't take my advice and then reach back out to her. Correct. Oh, Nick's angry.

No, you know, but I'm sure life taught you the lesson I was trying to. It did. It really did. You, my therapist, like I feel like both of us were kind of like leading each other on, if you will. I would argue that neither of you were leading each other on. She was operating on the assumption that you understood what she communicated to you earlier, which is she is not monogamous.

You were just ignoring yourself and your needs and what you wanted, and you were leading yourself on. She was, you were not also respecting your boundaries that you communicated to yourself about that you were looking for someone who, and you want to invest in someone who does want a monogamous relationship. So she wasn't leading you on. You were just ignoring your boundaries. I think you in particular are love drama, obsessed with it. You're addicted to it and you need to like

fucking adjust and i think you should actually practice not sharing your dramatic stories because it's your ability to tell the story that keeps you addicted to it it's the payoff if you have no one listening to your stories, there's no reason to experience the drama. So maybe don't release this episode then. Yeah, we'll definitely do that. Some good nuggets in here. Debbie. Don't do it to us, Debbie.

If you are in fact serious about meeting someone, something's going to have to wake you up. You can only come back on if you have a story of self-control. Oh my God god i'm being serious and i love talking to you but you don't get to come back on to be like i have another dramatic story in another example in which i ignored my you know my needs and then ask me advice i'm gonna give you the same answer so then what's the reason to come on i mean maybe like i've turned my life around.

Implementing something that you learned and having success from it and feeling good about it and then sharing a best practice and taking a step in the right direction and demonstrating your actual consideration and self-love for yourself and feeling good about it. Rather than calling out, I'm like, I have another messy story. Oh my God, I was dramatic. All all right we're back still stinks well in your words why don't you just i'm curious in your words what did i say to you you told me that i'm too dramatic and that i'm all about the drama and i need i don't really know what i want because i just like you know stories and getting attention yeah okay yeah yeah i heard it loud and clear all right and where are we now so i had my therapist listen to that episode by the way um what'd she say we talked a lot she agrees with you but we talked a lot a bit about that and i honestly made such good improvements. I wanted to share with how I'm dating right now more intentionally.

Already in the past few weeks, it's already been astronomical. Incredible. Tell us more. Yeah. So I matched with somebody on Hinge and they're a little older than me. So I'm 28 and they're 34. It's a little older, more mature So I'm 28 and they're 34. Um, it's a little older, more mature, the woman. Um, and we met at a bar for the first day. It ended up being a six hour date.

Oh, um, I met her friend. We met, we went to like a kickback in someone's backyard. Um, it was like really nice chill getting to know her but i did have you know hesitations because it wasn't that original spark that i had originally with some other people probably a good sign it's hard for me though like i'm really wanting that spark no yeah this you want the drama yeah that's for you the spark is the drama. Yeah. For you, the spark is the drama. For you, it is you are looking for that unexplainable feeling that justifies you acting out of control. And so you avoid stability and calmness. So this is, she's very calm.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is you not finding the spark on a first date is probably a very good thing for you so what did you do after the first date so i'm very intrigued by her um i feel like there's lots of mystery too which is usually i kind of like dump myself all in and kind of you know have them follow me on social media and know the person that way but we've been having boundaries or we don't we haven't followed each other yet on social media this was her doing by the way not me um she said to you she went out of town for a while how did it even come up yeah about social media and following yeah so i kind of asked i was like here's my social because i had a funny story um obvious i had a funny story on my story that i wanted her to see

and then she was like can you i message it to me because i don't really like to follow people for the first few days because i get to know somebody she said that she said that great yeah it's kind of weird to immediately follow do you do that do you like and did you tell her that you had a story because you wanted her to follow you and that was a passive aggressive way kind of yeah well that's weird it is weird it's weird behavior i know that was weird that was weird of me debbie i consider us friends and at this point i'm gonna pull zero punches with you because we just don't have the time to beat around the bush.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's super weird to start following people you go on a date with because most first dates don't get to second or third dates. And then you have to like, why are you following someone you went on one date with? That's bizarre. And thank you for being honest. But like this need for like to get like you're trying to lock someone down

immediately through like passive aggressive behavior. You know, you are trying to find stability through superficial means because you somehow have convinced yourself that her following you is important or it means something to the success of her liking you or their relationship. of her liking you or their relationship. And it's totally superficial. So good for her for saying the obvious and normal thing, which is like, hey, I'm just not comfortable with that right now. She sounds like, you know, someone that I'm glad you found, you know, but and so where are we now with her? How long ago was this first date? Yeah. So it's been two weeks since the first date because I was out of town and she was out of town and now i have covid we were supposed to go out tonight actually okay um

we're doing a virtual date night tonight i've never done one of those love that who suggested that it was actually me that suggested it because i wanted to keep things going and texting back and forth but i'd rather see her face all. What is your goal for tonight's date? So I want to get to know her, obviously. I guess I shouldn't say there was no spark. There was a little bit of spark, obviously, because I want to see her again. She's just being upfront and honest with her feelings and communicating. So you're not left to wonder or ruminate about whether she likes you or not.

And there's not some dramatic story and you don't get to go to your friends or us to be like well i don't really get what she's doing and she's doing this and then i fainted and blow out of the fuck you know what i'm saying like she's just normal and appropriately boring for what has only been one date but you also your first date was six hours long like that is a story if you want it to be a story. There was obviously some sort of spark that you hung up for. Like, what did you do for six hours? Like, you could tell people that.

Like, it's just reframing. I'm reluctant to, like, even ask for her story because I almost want her to enjoy not having the story. But, yeah, it sounds like you had a nice first date and it lasted six hours. And that, to Genevieve's point, is reason enough to be optimistic about the potential of this first date. You don't need to do anything more than just be excited about the potential and then open to getting to know her more. And again, what is your goal for this second date? Yes, I wanted some advice since I really wanted to get to know her obviously. So usually I feel like I use social media as like kind of a crutch to get to know somebody. Like to see like their hobbies and interests,

to see if there's anything like that we have in common. We talk a little bit about it. But I'd love to know more about like her in general, like growing up, those things like that. But I feel like it's hard when there's no like physical body language to pick up on. You're Zooming, so you can certainly read her body language. You're not going to be touching, you know? So as long as she's on camera, you can certainly read her body language. But even if you can't, like you can still ask her questions and you can learn about her childhood. You can learn

about her wants and desires, things like that. You know, you can certainly get to know her better via a Zoom date. It might not last six hours, and it might not be filled with drama, and it might not be a fun story to tell your friends or call us, but you can certainly learn a lot about her. That's for sure. Do you have any good question ideas? What do you want to learn? It's just like to show an interest. Be curious about her and ask follow-up questions follow-up questions are the key so whatever she says oh that's interesting why tell me more i agree with the follow-up question something that i've also tried to do as well and this is maybe more for

like texting or dating app things but i think it's easy to fall into the traps of oh what did you do yesterday or what did you do this past? Which that's a data point in and of itself. But I've tried to challenge myself to be like, what does your dream Saturday look like? Or what does a typical this look like? Because even if they did something crazy yesterday, how do our lives really go together in certain ways? Or what is something that is something that they're really passionate about or something that they do really frequently? So even if you get the data points of what they did in the past week, maybe that was just a random week. We're trying to get kind of an overall scope of who she is as a person.

What her interests are. Just keep it conversational. Be less interviewing. Just be like, how was your day? Go from there. I don't know what she's going to say, but to Allie's point, she'll talk about her day like, oh, do you normally do that? Or is that something you've done for the first time?

Or if she tells you a story about like, oh, well, let me tell you about my day. I got really stressed out when X, Y, or Z happened. I'm like, oh, wow, show some empathy. That must have been hard. How did that make you feel? Just connect and focus on connecting and focus on getting to know her rather than focus. You on dates are constantly in your head asking yourself, do I feel a spark? Is this dramatic?

The only person you've been caring about on first dates is yourself. On first dates, I would agree with that. For sure. But I want you to focus on her and solely focus on getting to know her and be open and allow her the chance to get to know you. But that's up to her if she makes it a priority. But so far, she sounds like a relatively healthy person. Listen, she still brought you around her friends and family on her first date. That's a bit, you know, much.

But like, if it made sense, then fine. You know, I don't know what her intentions were there. But, you know, I hear that you ladies, when you date, you like to move quickly. So word on the street. That stereotype, but but yeah it's true but try to be the you know thank god you have someone who at least doesn't want to start following each other but like challenge each other to take things slow and you can say things like i've really enjoyed getting to know you so far emphasis onphasis on so far. No matter what you learn about her tonight or what she

learns about you, you will still know a fraction of each other or what you have a chance to learn. I don't know if that made any sense, but you get my point. And it's your job to get to know her and allow her to get to know you, to be open to answer her questions, to give meaty answers, to elaborate on follow-up questions, and just be open and be chill and to not analyze the date in real time. And when you get done with the date, then you can check in with yourself and ask yourself, oh, how did I feel about that? And the only feeling that you should really be concerned about is the one of clarity. do not be searching for the intangible, whatever feeling that you can't explain, like the spark.

And I hope that you get excited about her. If you like her, you like confusion and clarity almost makes you uncomfy. And so you are on a date here trying to get clarity. So I think that's all you should do. Yeah, I definitely feel definitely not in my comfort zone right now. Like I definitely like her, but I'm feeling, you know, she's almost too calm, which is good. And at some point you can say that you can maybe, no, I wouldn't get too much into it. Right. I don't want to spill the beans and everything about yourself. But I think at some point, if it feels right, if it makes sense, you can say,

listen, you can be a little vulnerable and say, you know, I'm kind of in this transitional period in my life when it comes to dating. I've had a bad habit in the past of, I think, chasing the wrong things and moving things a little too quickly. So, you know, this connection I'm developing with you is new to me and I'm really enjoying the healthy pace at which it's going. And I'm really enjoying the healthy pace at which it's going. And honestly, thank you, by the way. Thank you for setting that boundary about social media because I'm not used to that almost like healthy behavior, but I really appreciate it. See how she responds to that. Go from there. I will. That sounds great.

I'm excited. All right. Well, good luck. I'm glad that you suggested the Zoom date. Feel better. And then check in with us down the road and go from there. Also, if you get stuck in a rut, just Google great date questions or whatever. I do that with friends even sometimes too.

Yeah. It's always fun to learn more about people. And you can Google something or share your screen. Random questions. Yeah, you can Google fun first date questions, list of random fucking questions, this this or that do you like the east coast of the west coast do you like to be hot or cold big or small i don't care polka dots or stripes it doesn't matter make it a conversation and you can like hey i know this is silly but like i kind of like these games because it's a nice they're icebreaker games and just acknowledge it you want to play an icebreaker game and if she

thinks it's silly then fine but there's nothing wrong with you suggesting ways to make conversations easy between you and your date. No, I love that. I will try that. Also, I noticed a huge difference, by the way, since our last conversation. So thank you for that clarity that you gave me truly, because my therapist tried to tell me that for years. And somehow it clicked for me when you told me and all those negative comments on your YouTube video about Debbie as well, really got to me. What? Oh,

who are you on YouTube? Debbie. I told you, you can't do that. I can't look at the comments. Genevieve and I struggle with comments. Don't, don't do it.

Also, I don't even really care about your feelings. I just care about your drama and you love the drama and you fucking loved it, even if it hurt. The brain prefers pain to boredom. And you hate being bored more than fucking anything. And you don't even mind pain, which is why you read that shit. But it's a bit narcissistic, and it's a bit self-centered. Like, the fact that people read fucking shit about themselves is self-centered in and of itself.

So just remember that. You're not allowed to read those comments, Deb. Come on, tips. Have you read comments about yourself on The Bachelor? Sure, I have, but I do a really pretty good job relative to my parents of not doing it. But we all have done narcissistic and self-centered things in our lives. It's just important that we recognize it and try not to replicate those behaviors. Everyone's done it, but it's not good. It's not healthy. And to hopefully help you stop is it, but it's not good. You know, it's not healthy. And to hopefully help you stop is to recognize that it's a self-centered thing you're doing.

You know, it's not serving you. It's not adding any value to your life. There's no like data information to go on. It's just people talk. It's you being the center of attention and you getting off on it, even if that center of attention is criticism. So no more comments.

Can't read the comments. No more comments. And Debbie's drama turned into Debbie's do-over, I feel like, you know? Ooh. There you go. That's a rebrand. That's a rebrand.

Well, good luck on your date. We'll check in, and we'll get an update in the future. Perfect. Thank you so much. All right, Debbie, good luck. Love you, Debs. Feel better.

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only on Peacock. Wow. What an update. Literally. We have another written update and this one's exciting too.

It was Erin. She was on Oh So Recently episode 640 and she wrote in because she was in a threesome where everyone

caught feelings. Ah, yes. Remember? She, her friend caught feelings. Ah, yes. Remember? Her friend caught feelings for her again. And she had feelings. She dated more women than men. But she was... The friend.

Her, too, I thought. Right? Did she say she dated more women? She was definitely bi. Yeah, I felt like she leaned more toward... I felt like this guy was when outlaw it was i think the guy was an outlier for the friend but they were just fuck buddies yes i think that was the friend i also remember yes that and not the guy she'd the like caller had seen

him outside of the threesome and hadn't told the friend yeah she hadn't told the friend about it. Yeah, she hadn't told Nat that she'd hung out with Lori. Yeah, they started fucking on the side. Yeah. So, she says, because we encouraged her to tell Nat. She was longing for the schlonging. Okay. Interesting. I did end up having that tough conversation with Nat,

my friend, and we were moving past it with a bit more boundaries in our friendship. We are still very close. I also brought up the topic of my directness or lack thereof to my therapist, and we are working on it. She made a good point of me having a fear of male rejection, which resonates and feels like a tangible thing I can heal, let go of.

I'm grateful to Nick that he pointed that out because my lack of directness bleeds a lot into my life, not just romantic dynamics. Wait, what did I point out? The fear of rejection and that she's not very direct like she in her mind it was clear to her that she had feelings for rory and you were like it's not clear at all i'm sure he's very confused you're not being you're not being very direct oh yeah yeah but she said i never came clean to rory about my crush he never really came around with any effort and i don't know when I thought about it I realized that I was briefly

digmatized and telling myself a story of what he could be rather than taking him for what he showed me he is. Maybe if we connect again I'll come clean about the potential I thought I saw. Honestly I was kind of just waiting to listen back for it for how Nick worded it so that she could tell him. Well it's how?

Through our words. Yeah. Girl. Episode 640. but she says now eight years single i think she's chickening out i do i think she's making excuses well she said what if she realized she was digmatized and she actually doesn't want to pursue something with rory that would have been fine until she immediately followed it up with but if we hook up again maybe i'll tell him but she does say like i got back in my lane and stopped focusing on the boy drama which kind of is a like i don't know as a way of phrasing it makes it seem like it's not super impactful yeah i mean i don't think this is her guy and my insistence on her saying it is more like an

exercise for her rather than a lesson yeah just like get good at just being honest with people about your feelings especially the people you're getting naked with. It's good practice to be open with those people about how you're feeling, however it is you're feeling. Especially if now she's like, I don't really know if I even want things to go that way with him. Then there's no stakes to just be like, I kind of had feelings for you. I don't know if I do anymore. to just be like i kind of had feelings for you i don't know if i do anymore my gut tells me the i don't know if i do anymore is um her trying to read the situation she pointed out that he he's not doing the things you know that you know he's not the if he wanted to he would type of things

that make it obvious he's not our podcaster. this habit of avoiding upfront communication and just being direct and putting yourself out there and being vulnerable at the risk of being rejected. This seems awfully too similar to this pattern. We're very convincing liars to ourselves. A man and I were talking about this after we were recapping episodes one through four of Love is Blind. What I love so much about Love is Blind in general and specifically this season, it really shows the subtleties between people's versions of their stories. And when I say, no one lies to us, only we lie to ourselves, you have a bunch of people in Love is Blind, like, telling these little slight lies to what really truly themselves, you know, they're communicating to their castmates

and things like that about like, well, I didn't really want them, you know, or they didn't really want, you know, it's like, we like to ease the blow of us feeling rejected or when we feel not enough. And my gut tells me is that there's still something there. You know, if she can say, well, maybe if we hook up in the future, maybe I'll tell them about a cultural class, tells me there's still something there. And even that something there is to simply say, hey, this is not transactional for me. This is not like us just fucking when we're horny. Like I feel some kind of connection, don't know what that connection is, but like, I just want

to be upfront about that with you. And that's like healthy communication. And I think our wonderful writer-inner is, you know, might be talking herself out of healthy communication, of what she has a pattern of. And we're very clever liars to ourselves, is all I'm saying. So something to consider if you're listening. There is no harm in just putting it out there other than, yes, a little disappointment potentially. I feel like we have a pretty good track record of challenging people, and we have many people like this they generally always feel better afterwards and it's never usually as hard as they anticipated when was the last time we've challenged someone to speak up and say something they're like never fucking again and i think that's because people know that you know

you do challenge people or like feel comfortable not sugarcoating things like i think oftentimes people like kind of seek that out when they call in like they already have that inclination of knowing that they want to be held accountable to do something that's a little more brave or direct or communicative yeah i don't really care about this guy i just care about her ability to feel empowered to communicate how she feels and not kind of jedi mind trick herself into why this you know what i will next time or you know oh this isn't the right time to be communicative or I don't really need to right now because that's her bad habit.

She's very good at convincing herself that it's not necessary, that direct communication isn't necessary and she's very good at doing that. And my guess is she's doing it here a little bit. Totally. If you're listening, there's still time. Yeah, or if it's fizzled out, let it fizzle out for good yeah don't fuck again but if you do gotta say something

gotta say something all right let's get to our next caller welcome back katie hi uh how are you i am doing so much better. Love that. Last time we talked, uh, this is our third update with Katie. We've had some written as well as written updates. Yeah. So for our audience, you obviously had this, uh, situationship with this guy who went to the same gym as you and you having a

hard time moving on. You were very reluctantly not wanting to leave the gym. I gave you some tough love. Let's play a quick clip from the last update we got and some of the tough love that I gave you. We have an update from our caller, Katie.

She originally called in because of the situationship with her CrossFit coach and then called in on the most recent classic update. And so we have a written update just to hear how she was doing last time we spoke to her.

When I told her at this point, it's all her fault. Yes, yes. We did, I think, meet the hard, what is it? Is it hard love? Tough love. It was, yeah. She was very, you know, she was in the,

I'm going to make all the excuses in the world to not do the one thing I know I need to do to stop the thing that I keep complaining about. Yeah, I think she was also like really relatable, really feeling the friction of like, wait, it's one thing to say I need to leave this gym. It's another thing to like actually go through the inconvenience of like leaving this community, etc. So we spoke to her. You were very fervent on making some changes, really cutting him out. Did she leave the gym? So thanks for checking in. I'm doing a lot better. Since we've last

spoke, I visited three different gyms. I haven't found one that's a good fit for me just yet, but I'm optimistic. I'm still training at my current gym in between. I've been taking classes that my ex doesn't coach, so I've been able to avoid him for the most part. If I do happen to see him when he's there, I make sure to have my friend or sister as a buffer there with me. I've been in communication with another gym owner and texting about doing a 30 day trial. Thanks again for reaching out. I appreciate all the help and advice you guys have offered me through the last few months. So she's making moves. Okay. I still think she's dragging her feet. She doesn't have to find the perfect gym. Katie, if you're listening,

leave the gym. I really hope you've listening. She just needs to leave the gym. I really hope you've pulled the trigger by now. And I have faith that you have, but we'll be hopefully getting another. It's just one of those things when we, whether we need to get over a person or a situation, you know, maybe we got involved in some drama with a group of people, you know, it's just, we're human beings and we, we aren't, we aren't machines.

We can't just like turn off things that matter to us. We can't just shut down that parts of our brain that, you know, emotionally trigger us and things like that. And it's just one of like, she is never going to be fully over this until she has enough break of time with no access to him and so is it better sure but she even said she she still runs into him she still sees him she has to you know

think about it think of the emotional energy it takes for her to go to her sister or her friends and you need to be that buffer or just the emotional energy to know that you might run into your ex. And every time she steps foot in that gym, it takes such emotional energy that keeps your body and your mind stuck in a in a in that mental space and until she frees herself of that you know she's always going to be stuck that's why if you're stalking your ex if you're looking at their instagram stories i know it's hard i know it's difficult but if you really want to be free of

them, if you really want to move on from the person, I'm guessing, if you're out there, if you're struggling moving on with someone and you've said to your friends, I just want to get over it. I just want to be happy. I'm just tired of feeling this way. If that is you, you got to help yourself. You got to block them, delete their numbers you gotta do you have to take the extremes and stop making the excuses of well i don't want to let them win and yada yada no you're letting them win by all the emotional energy you're putting into them still without being them a part of your life. And that energy that we have is priceless. It's not limitless. We only have so much. It's energy you could be putting into all sorts of different things, new hobbies, activities, things you could be learning,

but no, you're stuck just obsessing over the idea of someone or who they might be dating. just obsessing over the idea of someone or who they might be dating. And again, I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. I've been there, but you're not letting them win by choosing to separate yourself from them and allow yourself to heal so that when, once you're healed, you can go back to whatever fucking gym you want or because you've become, you've learned to move away and it's no longer a triggering event for you. So I know it's hard. I know it's a challenge, but do yourself a favor and stop focusing all your emotional energy on someone you claim to not want to be a part of your life. And until you have gone out of your way to stop giving them access, you will never be free of them. All right, well, we're back. I'm just kind of curious. I know we

played the clip, but in kind of your words, what was the advice that I offered you in our last call? You told me very matter-of-factly to leave the gym, that it's not that big of a deal to leave across the gym. And I didn't want want to listen and I got myself into a lot more trouble after we hung up and what was the reason why I said you should leave the gym just that I I think you said I wasn't going to get a medal for being uncomfortable or in pain and I don't mean anything by being around people that make me feel bad about myself and affect my mental health yeah I did the girls gotta eat podcast and we were talking about relationships in general and mean anything by being around people that make me feel bad about myself and affect my mental health yeah i did the girls gotta eat podcast and we were talking about relationships in general and

i kind of coined the phrase love martyr and i was referring to myself in the past how i would approach similar situations right where i would you know kind of that metal mentality it's just like well i'm doing it for love you know yeah and i would kind of martyr myself and act like i was some sort of hero in the story because i was putting up with bullshit I didn't deserve. Well, and also, if I remember correctly, we'd gotten some written updates from you and it felt like you were making progress of, you know, finding new gyms or doing kind of like a trial. But there was always an excuse. And Nick was basically like, you have to pull the trigger. You have to leave.

I did not give it anything. I was very reluctantly trying to take your advice, but I didn't want to do it. What'd you do after you got off the call with us? Yeah. So about, it wasn't that long after our last podcast episode that he was blocked on everything, but I was still going to the gym.

So it really wasn't doing anything. He's still in my life. He invited me over to his house and I went. Katie. And we started hooking up shortly after that for about a month. And I know, I know. I felt terrible.

I felt, and then you guys- I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. You guys reached out in an email and we're like, how's it going? Did you find a new gym? And I read that email while I was like with him. No.

Oh, I was like, I can't respond. I didn't do it. Balls in your hand. The other hand is the email. You're juggling his balls. It was so,

it was not good. So you felt shame. You felt, you felt some shame. So then what happened? I was so ashamed. I even think So you felt shame. I was like, what am I doing? I was so ashamed. I even think I wrote that back. I was like, I couldn't write you guys back. I was too ashamed to respond. And then you said you felt like garbage. No, we don't want you to feel like garbage,

but we tried to hold you accountable. Well, listen. I mean, I'm half joking. Obviously, we want you to be happy but clearly you're someone who is resistant you know of actually taking advice i mean you'll ask for it and listen you're not the only one we all have a hard time sometimes doing this but it was the shame in yourself that it sounds like it sounds like maybe there's a light at the end of this tunnel and you actually have a positive update for us, but maybe it was that shame. Yeah. There was equal parts shame and then equal parts.

I pulled the curtain back on this guy all the way and I did not like what I saw. How so? What do you mean? So he, we were hooking up and I found out through one of my friends that he got a girl's number from a bar. And then when I confronted him about it, he got mad at me and accused me of eavesdropping. And I just very much, I don't know what came over me. I was so calm. I was like, look, this isn't going to work. You're clearly not looking for a relationship.

I clearly am. So I don't want to do this anymore. And he got crazy. Like he kept trying to text me all the time. He wasn't leaving me alone. I told him to stop. I said he was being controlling. He just was basically like harassing me at this point. The fact that I had to go to the owner of the gym, who was one of my good friends and tell him like, this is what he's doing. He was making up lies. He said he was moving away so that I would move into his house and he's doing. He was making up lies. He said he was moving away so that I would move into his house and rent his house. He was like accusing me of lying because

he was noticing that like certain people in my circle, like unfollowed him on social media because they were like, we don't like this guy. Like he's a jerk. And he was texting me multiple times every day. I wasn't responding. He was coming up to me at the gym all the time. And I just, I got really uncomfortable because I was like, I've told you to stop. I've told you you're being controlling and he wouldn't leave me alone. And so I had like this just one day at work. I was like, I'm done with this. This is going to keep on going forever if I allow it to. So that day I wrote the owner of the gym. was like, I'm done with this. This is going to keep on going forever if I allow it to. So that day I wrote the owner of the gym.

I said, I'm leaving for now. I blocked him on everything. I haven't seen or spoken to him in about a month. I'm at a new gym. That's exciting. And I went back to therapy. Like, it's all working out. Yay.

Look at that. Yeah. So many things. It feels so much better. You guys were feel so much better you guys quit the goddamn gym i know i know it was i look back now and i'm like what a stupid thing i was hung up on because i went to another gym in between and i didn't like it and it was making my resolve it was weakening it because i was like i don't like this gym i'll just go back to my other gym and put up with crap then i was like no like I committed to at least 30 days. And then I found this other gym and I was like, 30 days. I was like, I'm signing up.

Nowadays there's a CrossFit gym, like Starbucks. There's one in every corner. You know, you can find someone you like. I know, but not all of them are good. No, I know that. Not all of them are good. There are more than one and you can, a good one. And you can, yeah. So listen, I'm so happy for you. I'm so glad. So what are the takeaways here? One, I'm always right.

That's really the most important. I'm kidding. But truth is, all right. So like, listen, you did what you did. There's no sense in beating yourself up about the time that you wasted because you didn't waste our time. Actually, you were great for us. You gave us content. We thank you. People listen. They're investing

your story. We're grateful. You wasted your time. And obviously you went through and you don't need us. I'm sure you can close your eyes and visualize all the stressful moments between the time you first called us and now, and you could have avoided all those, right? But the point isn't to like, you know, beat you up over it, right? The point is, how can you learn from this? This won't be the last time that you run into a situation where your body tells you this isn't right for me, but you stubbornly try to give into your ego

and the validation or the drama and all the things that kept you from wanting to do what you could have just done early on, which is just simply leave the gym. Because obviously, you know, that wasn't that difficult. I'm not saying it's what you wanted, but the actual execution of it wasn't all that challenging. So you just have to remember next time you are in a situation, I want you between now and then not to like bring yourself back to those moments, but I do want you to reflect a little bit. And I want you to think about what your body was telling you in those moments. You know, I want you to think about how you felt the anxiety,

you know, in those moments of what your body was trying to say, your body was, you know, crying out for help saying this isn't healthy for you. And it was sending you signals through the anxiety that you were feeling and the sadness that you were feeling that you were ignoring via your ego. You were listening to your ego, you weren't listening to your body. And so I want you to reflect a little bit on those feelings so that you can recognize them in the future so that when you do find yourself in a situation or meet another guy who, you know, pretends to be one thing and shows you that he's another, that you can respond quicker and you are less stubborn with yourself and you will find this simple and easy solution, which is to just remove yourself from the drama or the toxic situation and accept that you deserve better.

Yeah. That's literally like almost what my therapist said. She was like, you need to recognize your non-negotiables and the red flags and even have an accountability partner if you need one to see them if you don't

to help remove you from situations so you don't repeat these patterns again. And that's all you can do. You know? So, yeah. Just don't do it again. You know what I'm saying? I know.

But it's not going to come easy. You know? So, yeah. Just don't do it again. You know what I'm saying? Like you. I know. But it's not going to come easy. You know, when I emphasize that, because continue with the therapy, continue doing the work on why maybe some of your behavior is attracting some of these people, right? Get better identifying that. But you do really need to recognize that because unless you actually, you know, find yourself in those moments, your default is going to be to do what you normally do. And so when you make these decisions to change course and change your behavior, it's going to feel uncomfortable. And you're going to want to make excuses to why to not do the right thing. So prepare yourself for that. That already happened. The first two weeks, I was questioning every move I was making because

I hadn't gotten that far yet. This was the farthest i had ever gone to make a change for my future and i knew that i wouldn't be happy as long as he was in my life in some capacity i would be in this state of misery which was comfortable for me unfortunately sure yeah you were comfortable with the drama it wasn. It wasn't boring. I feel so much lighter. I thought about the three-week mark and I found this new gym and it was just like, I was feeling optimistic. That's awesome. I look back and I can't change anything, but I just kept thinking like, I was like clinging so hard to this. There's peace on the other side of the tunnel. And all I had to do was walk through it. And I was too scared to. At least you're now you're there, you know? And so part of it maybe

comes from, you know, a lack of self-confidence and things like that. You clearly work on yourself. You do therapy, you go to the gym, you invest in yourself. That is great. Now you have to like, you know, reap the rewards. And those rewards is knowing that you're worthy of being treated right. And right and and and having expectations around that and holding people accountable and setting boundaries with yourself and enforcing those boundaries with yourself and you know you're a beautiful person who who invests in themselves i mean there's you know any guy would be lucky to have you but you have to believe it first and then you have to show it through your actions you're not willing to put up with crap

and you're not willing to put up with shitty men who treat you poorly so that your ego can be validated because you want to feel special because you want to have them treat you like a princess because they treated everyone else shitty yeah basically all right well i'm really proud of you we're all really proud of you. We're all really proud of you. Another round of applause. Thank you. Thanks for helping me this whole time. Third time's the charm. Anytime, but you honestly did the work on your own. We just offered a little bit of shame.

It was really Genevieve in her email. What? Oh. Well, yeah, I didn't know my genuine email would elicit that. But we're happy for you. Genevieve makes me feel like garbage every day. It's okay. It's not just you. No, you guys were so nice. I was just very like, no, I hadn't done anything.

Don't check up on me. I'm not in the right place, which is why I reached out once I started making the right moves. I knew I couldn't come back on here for the third time and be like, still haven't left the gym. Still talking. We would have fired you. But those are the type of friends that we all need it's not the like oh we're just gonna go out and talk about superficial things and have a really good time it's the friends where you're

like oof that was like a deep tissue massage and it hurt a little bit but i'm better for it and i don't know what your dating situation like is now but it wouldn't i don't think it'd kill you to be single for a minute. Listen, keep the doors and windows open to the rooms you want to fill. I'm a big believer in it. That's what I'm doing. Stay open. I am focusing on myself right now. If something comes into your life that surprises you, great. Entertain it, but take it slow. Take it very slow.

Yeah. And just kind of really get good at, focus on spoiling yourself, being comfortable with yourself, you know, and search out things that give you comfort, that give you security and help train your body, you know, to respond to the signals that your body gives you, if that makes any sense. Because listen to your body, you know, your body will usually doesn't lie to you. It's our egos that lie to us and our heads and all those other things. I learned that the hard way this summer. I had so many, I was like, I literally got sick over the summer, like really, really bad while I was with this guy. Yeah.

And my body was like, yep, it was 100% my body saying, we don't like this guy, get him away from us. If a guy makes you anxious, that's your body telling you something. And I'm not saying every time you get anxious, you need to run. But if you get anxious, you need to ask questions. You need to get clarity. And you need to get good at asking those questions. And if something doesn't make sense, you can ask a follow-up question.

And if it can use not to make sense, then you have the answer that you have, which is this guy is not giving me the answers that are taking away my anxiety. My body's telling me there's something off here and I need to respect that and move on because simple questions deserve simple answers. And when you ask simple questions and you get complicated answers, there's a reason why.

And it's usually not good. I'm learning. All right. Well, good luck. We're really usually not good. I'm learning. All right. Well, good luck. We're really proud of you. Congratulations. Thank you. All right.

Thank you for your help, everybody. We love you. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock Original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality

royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession.

We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros. Two guys that talk about Bravo.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the brav bro no oh dude stop with the voice just keep it simple i've seen promos on tv dude this is how you get the fans engaged this is how you get listeners we're trying to get listeners here if we just say oh we're two dudes that talk about bravo people are gonna get tired of it already we need some oomph all right then fine let's try to do it with your voice. Bravo, bros. Good job. Wow. Another doozy. We got one

more writer in her? Yes, we do. It's Sabrina who we've talked to. I think this is the third time we've talked to her. She needed advice on how to break up with her boyfriend of almost five years, but then didn't end up breaking up with him.

Remember? Yes. And this was the one where like I feel like she really liked the mom. Like that was one thing where she was like oh but I like know his family and then he was putting in like zero zero effort. But then he got better. But then when she went to break up with him they didn't end up breaking up because it was like

big wake up call vibes. And he was like agreeing with all the points she made is he still woke yes it has been only three months since my attempt didn't break up but things have been amazing after seeing my therapist i felt much more confident in my relationship and she said that it's really a really good sign that he was able to acknowledge and take ownership of his past faults and that things are not always going to be forward steps but his ability to try and be open is the most important part now every week we have a relationship check in where we can communicate openly about where we have been striving or where we need to improve it's really opened our lines of communication we have been dating and not just being together

i truly feel like he's my best friend again they're being intentional yeah just talking and laughing together more has really been amazing and he's really stepped up with the small things like bringing me coffee in bed when he has spare times in the morning that's amazing they're now moving in together in september and have already made steps to ensure a smooth transition by having really open communication he even asked that i show him exactly how i like the bathroom cleaned so when he does it i don't have to do it again after him which i thought was really sweet she's's going to hate my next bit of advice. This is awesome. This is great. Moving in, fine, wonderful. But at some point, you're going to have to just settle in. And right now, it's so good. They're like this new honeymoon phase. Oh, let's take another big step. Let's

move in. That's great. But let's get engaged three months after. Don't run the risk of keeping that high going by keep making another big steps. Let it settle in. See if you can maintain this behavior for a longer period of time. Because anyone can put some effort in for a few months is all I'm saying. So you're young, enjoy it. You know, you're doing amazingly. I love these check-ins, but prove it out, you know, make sure it lasts. So, you know, once you move in, settle into that routine and make sure it stays consistent. Because at some point when you feel disconnected or life happens, do you guys still maintain these exercises that you've implemented? Just some two cents. Because some people just like to keep the train going.

And like once the high wears off of the move in, that's when usually the engagement happens. And then, you know, marriage and it's good. And it's just like, you don't want to be chasing that relationship high. Sound advice. Yeah. All right.

All right. Here's our last caller for your updates. Hope you enjoy. Welcome back, Jenna. Hey, thanks for having me. Yeah, good to see you again. So last time we spoke, you were not sure if you should essentially shoot your shot from someone you were friends with for a long time. You were pretty sure you had some feelings. was an active situation play it we have an

active situation and then we sent a text you know what how about we play a quick clip to remind our audience of the original call? How can we help, Jenna? So I think I have feelings for my guy friend who might be moving to a different country. And I'm wondering if I should tell him. Okay. Well, we're going to have to solve the case of think and might.

So let's start with your feelings. Why do you think you might have feelings for him? Because we've been friends for a long time. So since college, we're in the same friend group. I never really looked at him that way. We both dated other people. And recently, within the past year, we've just been communicating a lot more, pretty much every day, mostly texting.

And then on the weekends, we'll go out with our group of friends. And he's a very flirty person. So I never really looked too much into it. But recently when we were out, I came home and was like, hmm, maybe I'm starting to develop feelings. And so I'm wondering if it's just because of that constant communication or if it's something deeper.

Or what does your gut tell you? I don't know. That's the tricky part because he's very like supportive. Like he's everything that my ex wasn't. It sounds to me like this conversation was about you. Well, I was trying to figure out how you feel about him. And what I'm hearing for you is you trying to figure out how he feels about you. Yeah. Maybe it's a little bit of both, but let's focus on how you feel about him. Okay. Regardless of how he feels about you. So what does your gut tell you about how you feel

about him? That it's nice and comfortable and something that I haven't really had before. And it's like a secure partner. And I feel like I tend to go for very emotionally unavailable people. Okay. And I like the fact that we've known each other for a long time and been friends. But I guess I'm nervous of like, does he like me? Sure. Totally normal. Understandable. It's important to know our feelings.

And then we can worry about their feelings. We tend to focus too much on their feelings and not enough about our feelings. And you might get... Yeah, I read that in your book. Yeah, thanks. But you might get an answer that makes the part about their feelings irrelevant, depending on how you feel about the situation. So we waste a lot of time doing that.

Let's focus on how you feel, because how you feel is what matters most. And you'll get your answer about how he feels when you ask him or when you let him know. The simple answer is, if we figure out that you, in fact, do have feelings that go beyond friendship with this guy, yeah, you fucking should let him know. And then let him decide for himself what he wants to do with that information.

On a scale of one to 10, 10 being, I'm pretty sure I love the guy to one being like he's i see him as a brother where do you fall on the uh on the scale probably closer like six seven maybe okay pretty high i'll send him a nude send him a nude yeah i don't know i mean i'm joking but listen i i just at the end of the day, I know this feels complicated for you. It's just not that complicated. Of course you should tell them, is I guess my answer.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a text that's some version of like, I'm about to hit you with something you might find surprising. You may not. Incoming. That's what you should say. Hey, what are you doing? Are you sitting say hey i have some yeah hey what are you doing are you sitting down i have some news i think it's time we consider being romantic or dating and be or being more than friends yeah what do you think of like i like you as more than a friend what do you

think okay i like that better maybe no i don't know it's fine i mean there's no wrong answer i feel like if i just come out with like the, I think, what do you think of us dating or something? Like he might think it's a joke. No, I don't think you should ask him a question. You're only making statements. Only statements. I like you.

Take some time. This is probably a lot for you. That doesn't seem too serious or does that seem like funny? Well, throw in a winky emoji. I don't know. You do want him to take you seriously. Yeah yeah i don't care if you make him laugh what i care is that he knows that you're serious and that you are gonna be okay and you're not are and you're not well it's okay if you don't want to and it's fine and i hope i didn't upset you with this news and blah blah

like don't apologize for how you feel about him and yeah you know yeah, he'll let you know one way or the other. Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I know, but hit him with the, we're not just friends. It's no longer available to him to have some of you if he doesn't want all of you. That you're not just friends. The big thing is once you try to set this boundary, you need to enforce it

and you cannot go back to just being just friends. If he does the, I think you're great. And I just don't know. And I just think of us as friends. And I don't want to lose our friendship. You just say, hey, listen, I can't help how I feel. You're a wonderful guy who I want to explore something with. And I will miss our friendship. Don't get me wrong. But I just don't see you as just a friend. So I can't just be your friend. So if this is how you feel, I totally get it. But this is also how I feel. And I respect your feelings.

I need to respect mine. So we're not friends. And just be very matter of fact and very calm and then stop giving him access to you. If his response is some version of, oh, I don't want to ruin this friendship, then you're going to have to cut off access and give him a glimpse into what life is like without having you in his life. So then he can reevaluate how he actually feels about you. Well, is this a person I really value in my life? Do I need her? Are my feelings stronger than I anticipated? You've given him no reason at this point to even question if

his feelings are more serious. So calm, confident, statements only. The worst case scenario, your ego's a little bruised. You don't know if this is your future husband. You don't know if you're even in love with him. All you know is that you like him, you think there's potential there, and you want to explore it. And if you find out he doesn't feel the same way about you, then that'll help you process that. And maybe, hopefully, you will take that into account as someone who's like, oh, well, he doesn't feel the same way. And yeah, my ego's a little bruised, but at the end of the day, I have my answer. I really think we should text him right now.

At least we'll be here for you. But I know he's in the office, so I just wonder if you guys would really get a reply right away. Like, it might be long. I feel like it's less about a response. It's just if you want a little hype squad when you send it. You need to break the ice. Yeah. There's no good time.

Okay. Let's just send the text before I get scared. Yes. Alright, let's go. Let's do it. Okay, I'm going first one. Does it look bad if I just do them back to back? No. Yeah, who gives a shit?

Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. That was you texting. It's like ripping off a bandaid. I love it. Send it. The second one's the worst one. It's the best one. You got it. Three, two, one, send. Okay, done. Done. I'm putting my phone on an airplane.

Did you send the third one too? No, don't put it on an airplane for the rest of the day. And also, for the record, I'm optimistic. I think he's going to have the biggest fucking smile on his face when he sees these texts. And i think he's gonna have the biggest fucking smile on his face when he sees these texts and i think he's gonna be fucking thrilled all right we're back so we sent the text it was a doozy what is the update okay so the update is that he was seeing someone that i was kind of or yeah was seeing someone that I was actually unaware of just because we

weren't, we don't really talk about our feelings or like dating life. And he was just like, um, things are going great with so-and-so her name. And then, um, and I'd like to see where things continue to go. And I was like, oh, I'm surprised to hear you're like seeing someone, you know, seeing that like you're moving and whatever but like i want to take a little bit of a step back from this like friendship you know i don't think it's fair to be talking to oh that's right so he was moving and you were doing this before he was moving but he kind of surprised you that he has started seeing someone who lived in the area oh yeah yeah okay so like it was like very out of left field. So I took some time and was like,

okay, if he's seeing someone, how serious really is he about moving? Cause he always said that that plane ticket was refundable or like he didn't have to go. And clearly you were right that maybe he's just in his later twenties and trying, maybe his life hasn't panned out like he had originally planned. And so I, I just replied and was like oh i'm like surprised to hear you're seeing someone um if that's the case like i i don't want to be communicating on a daily basis like i don't think it's fair to me or this this person you're seeing especially after you kind of acknowledge that it's a little different for you yeah exactly and um i just said i was like if you're still having any sort of going away party or if you wind up leaving, like, would love to see you and whatever and keep me posted. And he was like, yeah, of course. Love that.

Then. That was a perfect response, by the way. Oh, okay. Well, that part was great. in the same friend group so like we ran into each other out um after that and oh he hard launched her on instagram was that right after you kind of set that boundary with him like when did we talk i want to say like a week or two later it was like labor day weekend they went on a trip so i was like okay all right what were you theorizing he was like ah yeah ah. Yeah, I don't know. So now I'm down to one. I might as well hard launch her. I don't know if it was nefarious like that, but I was curious if there's, you know,

it may have offered him some clarity, you know, type of thing. Because I'm not saying he was doing anything nefarious or wrong, but like, you know, you kind of pulling yourself aside, maybe made him almost double down and was like you know and to his credit he said he wanted to see where it was going so that's him you know he might as well fuck around and find out with her so yeah he did that and since since we run in the same friend group i was like hearing some of the like drama behind it and like i kind of heard that she was like a little scared after he hard launched her so quickly and all this stuff. So fast forward

through all that drama. This past weekend, he asked me if I was out came to where I was, we like caught up in person, we actually talked about the feelings thing, because I was like, oh, how's so and so? And he was like, Oh, everything went downhill after I posted that picture, like, we're not really talking anymore. And I was like, okay. So like when I had texted you saying I had feelings for you, you really just said you were interested in this girl. Like now that you're the girl's not in the picture, like, do you have anything else to say?

Which I was like, I very much myself for saying this person because it's not like me. As you should. Let's just take a moment and give you a round of applause. No, seriously. Like so many people don't. I mean, it's like a communication epidemic in this world where it's just like, let's just avoid the tough questions. So you asked the tough question, even though you weren't sure what the answer was going to be. And that is honestly a huge,

that's great. That's huge. Good for you. Yeah. I think sending those texts and telling him how I felt really taught me that there is so much power in vulnerability and it just made me feel like I told him how I feel I said my piece and that's all I can do like there's no reason to be like embarrassed of how I feel um so then when I told him in person um he was like well you know how I feel and I was like no I don't know how you feel and he was like you know we're best friends and I was like, no, I don't know how you feel. And he was like, you know, we're best friends. And I was like, okay. And then kind of like, let that go. And we were talking about something else. And he was like, we were like, I was like telling a story. And he was like, oh, wait, you went on a date? Like with who? How'd that go? And blah, blah, blah. Like, where did you guys meet? Like, please, please tell me you didn't give them details.

No, I was just like, it was fine. Okay. Next time you can say in the nicest possible way, you don't be mean about it. You're just saying, listen,

I'm just realizing I'm reevaluating this relationship. And obviously because of how I feel, it's just, you know, none of your business. Yeah. I don't want to share that yeah we didn't talk about it before so it was kind of weird it was like it was a story within

a story so it wasn't like I was like hey what on this date you know but it sounds like you did a pretty great job yeah yeah and then a guy that I was like kind of I don't know talking to showed up at the place we were at and he was very rude to that guy my friend was yeah he was like very standoffish and great we love that i was like okay yeah but like it's all these mixed signals and i'm like just not trying to no no it's not it's not a mixed signal and i'm glad you're not trying to play the games and maybe that's him going through some journey of trying to figure out like he's clearly saw you as a friend he He decided you were in that bucket, so to speak. Very rarely do people admit they have feelings for someone like that situation. The other person's like,

oh my God, same. They might have to go through some process. So it's him going through a process. It's not him giving you big signals. It's him losing control of a situation. Maybe that's all it is. What's good is that you didn't give into that. You didn't respond to that, you know, because what he wants is to you to care. Why are you mad? Why do you care? You know, like you ask him those questions. Again, confusion is key. Act confused. I don't really know why you're acting that way, but okay. You know, you've made it clear how you feel about me. We're just friends. So like, don't be rude to people I'm on dates with. It's that simple. I think I just kind of didn't acknowledge it and pretended like I wasn't. That's also fine. You know, I actually, you know, I love that just the same. As long as you didn't react in a way that made him get that power back. That's him losing power of a situation and him acting out.

And usually when that happens, the person who's used to not having power will give that power right back by validating that person. Oh, no, no, it's okay. Like okay like you know i don't want to upset you and you're still my favorite oh my god no you know oh do you love me oh no okay you know stuff like that you know um so it sounds like you really nailed all of these moments so where are we now we haven't really texted since saturday which is usually our normal. That was last time we saw each other. But we've sent some Instagram DMs back and forth. Stop it.

Well, just like a meme or whatever. I don't care. No, we're not friends. Yeah. We're not friends. We're not. Stop it. You don't need to block him unless you can't demonstrate self-control.

Block, you know. But you have to stop responding to him. So if he sends it, I can't even just like it? Nope. Well, I'll remember that for next time. But I also think through this whole thing, I realized that I maybe like him emotionally, but not like physically. Like I'm like emotionally attracted to him, but like physically, I'm like, eh. There you go so i think that was a big one yeah i mean i just there's no point being this guy's friend and

unless you are starving for friends and i don't think you are you know he is a guy you had a nice connection with who played you know a part-time boyfriend role in a way in a way you know he kind of filled in the gaps where a boyfriend would if you had one you know but you don't you're single that's fine but now that you kind of broken that barrier and and and did that difficult thing which was to be vulnerable it would just be mean to yourself to just fuck with yourself because it's going to get you know confusing and so embrace the clarity that you're getting from this situation and replace the what he's doing for you with someone else because there is nothing he's offering you that you can't find

in other spaces other than yeah i agree with that i think um he taught me like what part of what i want in a boyfriend so i like i like that love that yeah like the supportive partner role and it can be yeah a learning experience even if it doesn't end up being him at the end. You know what I mean? You can always have the opportunity to kind of take those positives out of it, which I think is great. Yeah, I really don't think it's going to be him in the end. And I think this whole thing just taught me how to be confident and like communicate my feelings and not mistake a friendship or like constant communication for attachment a lot yeah you're nailing it now you just got to stop responding to his silly dms because he's doing it's not an accident you know he just wants to see if he's still even that double tap is him you're you're giving him a fix and that is does she still care can i get her to respond can i get her to pay attention to me can i get her to prioritize me and he's not a bad

guy you know he doesn't feel the same way you felt that's fine he has a right to but you realize that you're not just you're not homies you're not friends you know you don't need another guy friend especially one that you ever had you you know, confusing feelings for. And if he wants to come around and say, hey, you know what? I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I miss our friendship. I miss our connection. And maybe we should try something.

Then, you know, you can reevaluate and ask yourself, do I still feel the same way? Do I, you know, want to embrace this emotional connection? I feel like I have with him despite my lack of physical connection? You can have that conversation with yourself, but there's no need to have that until he does that, if he does that. And if he doesn't do that, you guys are just going to have to mourn the loss of a nice little friendship that you had. And it's okay to mourn and it had a due date, an expiration date rather. And that expiration date usually happens when someone is vulnerable like you were. Yeah, I love that. Okay. Well, props all around. You crushed it. Again, most important thing that you were vulnerable, you found power in that vulnerability And that is something you can take forward in future situations. Yeah. Thank you. Your advice was great and taught me how to be like a little bit more confident in myself.

It wouldn't blow my mind once you finally totally cut him off that he maybe does surprise you, you know. But when he does, you know, if it's worth the conversation to have the conversation but you know challenge him just be like well why now maybe he that's the kick in the pants you needed i don't know but hold him accountable to really follow through don't let him be wishy-washy don't let him give 60 or 70 or 80 he has to give 100 and that 100 is you know what i've realized by not having you in my life for the past month or a few weeks or whatever, made me realize that maybe there is something there. And I really want to give this a shot. So let's commit. Can we try to date? Can we try to turn

this into a relationship? And then you can decide. But he can't do half of that. He has to actually tell you that he wants to try with you. He can't say, well, I don't know what I want, but I just know that I miss you. Can't say that. Yeah, I'm all too familiar with situationships, and I will refuse to get back in one of those. Amazing. Well, thank you so much for the update. We're proud of you.

Progress was made. Case closed. Is it, though? I don't know. It might not be. We don't know. Sometimes you have to reopen a case but right now the case is very much closed because she is confident and this outcome and if this is the

outcome there's no more questions to be asked if there's a new piece of evidence alright we appreciate it alright take care thank you so much for the update bye thanks guys bye what an episode All right. We appreciate it. Okay. All right. Take care. Thank you so much for the update. Bye. Thanks, guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye.

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