The Viall Files - E647 Ask Nick - The Man I Want to Marry Never Wants to Get Married

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we talk Nick’s butt, Dave & Buster’s, and helicopter parents. We also read a submission from someone who wants to shoot their shot with their neighbor but isn’t sure what to do. We have an extremely in depth discussion on various tactics she could use. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller is dating the man she wants to marry, who never wants to get married. As the child of parents who had a messy divorce, our caller’s partner doesn’t want to repeat mistakes, but our caller is certain marriage is something she needs in a long-term relationship. She’s not sure if one of them will compromise, or if she’ll have to walk away. Our second caller is wondering if she’s self sabotaging her relationship, or if he’s just not her person. She’s only been in this relationship for a month, but has known this person for 6 years, and feels that there is something off. She wants to know if she’s overthinking it, or if it’s something deeper. Our final caller is not sure whether she should make things work with the father of her child, or give up once and for all. She’s not able to support herself and would have to move back home if they broke up, but she doesn’t know if the relationship is salvageable.  “*Cough cough* Kevin Costner’s ex-wife.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Caraway -  Visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL to take advantage of this limited-time offer for 10% off your next purchase. Caraway. Non-toxic cookware made modern. Grammarly - You’ll be amazed at what you can do with Grammarly. Go to https://www.grammarly.com/PODCAST to download for FREE today. Peloton - Try the Peloton App today for free for 30 days. New paid memberships only, starting at $12.99/mo after trial, unless canceled. Terms apply. Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.Article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition hope you're all doing lovely. That was an ass Nick. What? That sounded like ass. It sounded like ass? To me. Ass Nick edition? Ass Nick edition.

Ass Nick edition. Ask Nick. Ass Nick. Maybe it is Ass Nick. Yeah. Big ass Nick. I do have a big ass. No, like a big episode.

I'm a booty Really? Who told you? Do men think about The size of their donks? Is donk ass? I know my dad does Because he doesn't have one

I've always had a handful Do you grab it frequently not me i was a track star he's a runner he's a track star i think i think every guy thinks about it like to a degree would you describe yourself as having an ass derek no i don't know do you are you doubting my ass or you just haven't looked both she's doubting because she hasn't looked i think it'd be so much worse if i was like commenting on it as if i knew it that's true yeah

i'd be really weird if Allie goes, hmm. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. Is it appropriate? No. Is it appropriate? No. Ask Nick. Ask Nick. All right. Well, welcome, everybody.

Hope you all had a great weekend. If it's Monday, if not, you know, thanks for finally showing up. We have a great episode for you. Some great callers. Some great, a couple of writer-inners. I do have a question. I don't know if this is, like, maybe it's a new game we can play.

Okay. Working title. Is this helicopter parent or is this, like, appropriate safety? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like, am I being an overbearing potential helicopter parent or am I making a good point? And that point is, we went to Dave and Buster's. We were all there for the premiere of Special

Forces. Episode 2 is tonight. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. I am a star. No, it's exciting. If you blinked, you wouldn't have seen me. But I think that's good because they only wanted to show stuff that was like, oh, people getting rocked and people like, this is really really hard so if they didn't have stuff to show you that's a good but i guess it could have been brian uh austin green getting in a fight with uh

with angela with angela aka black china that was we got heated real fast in those barracks i didn't understand how it came out of nowhere yeah it yeah it was it was the beginning of i'm from dc don't fuck with me yeah that was the that was the i'm from dc don't fuck with me moment uh anyways we by the way we recap it uh on going deeper uh the episode with raven simone and her wife miranda which was on thursday is going deeper if you haven't checked it out it's a doozy episode a charming couple we recap special forces as well uh you can read if you haven't watched it, it's on Hulu. It's also on Fox tonight. Check your local listing.

I believe it's 9. 9 p.m. Yeah. So late. So we were at Dave and Buster's. So we were at Dave and Buster's. And I just kept losing everybody. We lost you.

And I thought you left without saying goodbye. And I had a complex about it. It was like Ali's inner child was like he doesn't care it's a fucking maze and while dave and busters is an adult venue for the most part it's like more where like adults go what teenagers i don't it's not like a chucky cheese i think right it's not i think it's kid vegas well i don't know well i do think they clearly allow children obviously there but i think i think also like some adults frequent either way I think it's Kid Vegas. Well, I don't know. Well, I do think they clearly allow children, obviously, there. But I think also some adults frequent.

Either way, I thought to myself, I'm never going to bring my fucking kid to one of these places. The trauma, if you got lost. Also, they should have security at the door to be mindful of who's walking in and who's leaving with what kids. I just feel like it's just a really easy snatch and grab situation for like children this is all i thought about last night oh you know like why would i if i brought my like soon-to-be daughter here eventually when i and she's gonna be fucking strapped to my you know we're gonna leash oh my god yeah that's a good question i think i had a leash at one point. I'm exaggerating about the leash, but I'm being terrified about like, it just would be so easy if your kid wanders off around the corner. Boom.

Gone. Yeah. You could say the same thing about supermarkets. Not one of these. David Busters was literally amazed. The thing about David Busters is that there are a lot of nook and crannies. Yeah. No, there's a tight turn everywhere you go.

Yeah. Yeah, because there was areas that I didn't even know existed. When we went to play skeeball. I know. I was like, where are we? No, I know. And then suddenly Byron was back there. I was like, how did you find us?

It's so easy to lose people. And I just feel like if you were an unsavory predator that you would want to frequent video games and like pray did you get lost when you were a kid like you have a big like i got lost i got lost at the museum the milwaukee public museum and i went with my cousin and my aunt and yeah what exhibit i forgot oh i think maybe the dinosaurs probably yeah yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Did they like have to bring you into the office and like. No, I got, I got rescued.

It was, I was only playing the boss for a couple of men. But it feels like. Trauma. When you're a child. Trauma. Horrifying. But minus that,

minus wanting to just avoid the trauma to my young child. But like, there are a lot of fucking creepy people out there. You wouldn't, you take a kid to a like a daycare i only know this because i've tagged along when i've gone home to some of my friends picking up their kids at daycare like they have a really like tight security process like the check-in checkout process but like why don't do they not have these at like the chucky cheeses they're at chucky cheeseeses they do yeah okay like within the last few years they thank god yeah i just feel like it'd be such an opportunity for like a snatch and grab why don't

you just stick with your kid i think that's the plan for all parents but like those little fuckers you know like to roam around and wander off and they will be the child of a track star again you can blink and you lose someone at dave and b's. Yeah. Again, and posing the question, do I need to chill the fuck out? Am I being a helicopter parent here? Or is this like reasonable concern? Or am I just being a good dad? Are you going to take your kids to water parks? I've lost kids at a water park.

I have said this my whole adult life. Not mine. And thankfully, I believe Natalie agrees with me. I could be wrong. I haven't checked it. Parades? Parades? And zoos i'm gonna have to find another parent to take my kid parades i get it it's crowded how many parades are you going when i was a kid fourth of july what not my speed you know i'm not a pride guy sit and what and watch cars slowly drive by as like old people like wave at you.

What about a Super Bowl parade? I mean, no, not even that. Like, I definitely didn't go to the Super Bowl parade. What if Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift were in a convertible driving slowly past you? That's different. Oh, my God. I hear the parade thing of like parades nightmare, like so much is shut down of the sidewalks. It's very crowded it's arguably pretty uneventful but the zoo that's what i would like to unpack because i feel like most zoos are

pretty at least like the la's you know that i'm thinking about it's pretty open like yes it might be kind of busy but it's like very much designed with sidewalks zoos sound fucking horrid to me i also i i don't know i also have mixed feelings about zoos like there is something about seeing animals in captivity that can be very haunting and sad yeah they're just like in these really depressing concrete fucking prisons for the most part it's smelly it's stinky you know i can go to casa de uh lisa vanderpump's and see flamingos sure thing that's what you should do with your kid is take her to like well 100 well my valley girl daughter so anyways uh i need i'm gonna need someone i feel like i want the parents to comment and because i'm sure it's the kind of thing where it's like you i imagine

it's like exposure therapy of like it's all of it must sound like disturbing and horrifying and scary now and then like the more you get into it the more you'll realize like oh okay this i can actually tolerate a little bit and then this nope i'm actually holding the line my kids trauma will be like complaining to our friends that my parents never took me to zoos or parades but yeah parents let us know what you think about if he's being a helicopter dad yeah but it might yeah i just thank god chucky cheese has implemented a policy david busters get on it yeah you know we don't know if they don't we haven't been there in the day well if if you don't do it yeah all right what do we have for writer inners okay so we have

two writer inners and they're both seeking help on crafting a text so bit of an active situation. We have an active situation. Are you saying we have active situation? I'm having a hard time hearing the an. We have an active situation. We have an active situation. It rolls off the tongue. It rolls off the tongue. It rolls off the tongue.

All right. Active situation one. Okay. My name is Penny. I'm 24. I live in an apartment building and always see the same guy on my floor. He's cute and we've had small talk multiple times while waiting for the elevator and walking in the hallway, but I only see him like once or twice a month. I was on Hinge and I saw him, so I replied to one of his prompts a week ago and no response.

I know he could have declined it but also maybe he's not active on the app i thought our vibe was pretty good and flirty in person so how do i hit on him in person i don't want to relay it back to the hinge prompt but rather say like hey this floor is always so empty you're the only person i ever see out here my name's penny you want to grab a drink what do you think I should say? When she's referring to the rapport that's based on seeing him in the hallway? Yeah I mean I feel like you have like neighbor

talk you know is what I assume. Like I assume it's just like kind of pleasantries surrounding I mean hell I've exchanged pleasant remarks with Raquel so it's not impossible. She doesn't want to fuck you though. I didn't ask. with Raquel. So it's not impossible. Imagine she doesn't want to fuck you though.

I didn't ask. Listen, it's a shit where you eat situation. Sure is. That's true. I hooked up with someone in my old apartment complex and then it got very awkward.

And it's not a good sign. How does Hinge work again? Explain the prompts. So on Hinge, there's like two sections. There's the section of people who have already liked you. And so then you can kind of go through if you like them you match if you don't like them they go away forever okay there's also people who have yet to see you who you can say i

like them and then if you like them you show up in their people who've liked you section he's been notified no if he's necessarily well he's he's in she is in his like to you section or he's already reviewed her profile and said nah not for me so like she'd be in this pile but i have to get through everybody in this pile i feel like apps are prioritizing active situations active people no or would they serve you up someone who's never been on the app i guess no i think it's in order at least for hinge like when i don't know if it's changed in the last two years but like i think it's in order of appearance the idea being that in order to make sure that like especially the people who are like paying members who pay to have more likes to give out to people like to make sure they are like reviewed it's just you have to go through everyone

sequentially in order to get to like the most recent i can't get or like fur. It's just you have to go through everyone sequentially in order to get to like the most recent. I can't get or like furthest away. Like, I don't know. Who are all these people? I have no idea. So she could be

one of those people. Yeah. I have to go in order to see them. Like, hello? Yeah. And they're all blurred? Yeah, because that's why

that's how they like get you. They're like, oh, you want to see the other people? And what's like, how would I get to Joshua without going to tamp on it? No, you have to go in order i have to pay you gotta pay to get yeah

to pick and choose or else i have to go through one by one and it doesn't even seem like he knows her name so if that's the only thing that's showing up it's not like he realizes it's her okay well listen the hinge thing not great but, but it's not delusional to suggest that he hasn't seen it. What? What should we do with him? Good looking dog. Oh my God, the dog will be friends with Kiki. But is he as good looking as the dog?

No. I say, don't say something like, you're the only person I see, because that seems like we're operating from a scarcity mentality. And it seems a little clingy. but I think there's nothing wrong don't mention the hinge I wouldn't touch that and I would just be like oh my god I have a bottle of wine I need to share with someone or like if you know what apartment he lives in I like to leave notes for people in my apartment I put my phone number on them that's'm like, hey, I've done that for like every time I move to a new apartment, I'll like usually find a next door neighbor or a girl and I'll be like, I just moved in. If you want to do dinner, come over for a glass of wine.

Here's my phone number. And then they always text me. Always. Yeah. Amazing. 100% success rate. She is a closer. I would have hated to receive a note at my apartment yeah

that's why we're not really like friends i guess the question is do you what are the chances he thinks you're a total babe what when you look in the mirror every morning well it's also like it's hard when we do because you know we don't know like i think it's something where you know we talk about sparky people charismatic people all the time where it's like i think some people are just like naturally more friendly some like i fucking love small talk like i enjoy it it's something that i will do like casually and consistently with people but for other people it's like if i if they're engaging in small talk it is a real act of like i am doing this with intentionality and i don't find this necessarily like fun all the time

so it's like meaningful that i'm talking to you and so we don't really know like this guy could just be like a friendly guy who has a girlfriend or a boyfriend or i have an idea unless she's super anxious listen i'm never gonna tell someone to not shoot their shot to take a risk to face the possibility of rejection we love a go getter you know someone who's willing to just put it out there obviously the apartment situation makes it slightly messier it's not the end of the world you know like what else that being said he does live there and it's going to give him pause and when i say like what are the chances he thinks you're a total babe it's just like i from a guy's point of view he is going to have to be excited about your physical attraction and when he's assessing the risk and maybe he's a horny

devil i don't know he's gonna have to think with his dick to go on a first date with you horny devil is so funny because devils have horns he's going to have to think with his dick to go on a first date with you. Horny devil is so funny because devils have horns. Because without any rapport, he's going to be thinking, is it worth it to go out with this, to give this person a chance? But here's what I think you should do. If you're willing to wait and be a little patient, maybe the lightest of stalking.

And by the lightest of stalking is just try to see if you can find yourself in an elevator with him. Pin him up against a wall. You're just riding the elevator all day. And then kidnap him. Put a chair in there. Yeah, take him to Dave and Buster's. In a perfect situation, I'm visualizing her and this guy

in the elevator alone. Play exchange pleasantries. You pull the emergency brake. No, and you're just like, so what are you and your girlfriend doing this weekend? Oh. That's an idea. I hate that.

He's either going to be like, I can't wait to flirt with you. It's reminiscent of that. Do you want a shot at the title? You guys laugh. Okay, so what if he's like uh i don't have a girlfriend perfect what an opportunity to be like love that want one well it's listen you i don't know how flirty our queen is clearly you guys are not an awkward and apparently you would just like

it just depends on your flirting skills like if this person couldn't play with that scenario and like you know i'm creating a scene here and if you couldn't yes and your way into a date then i don't think she should do it and maybe she doesn't use that line but if she can't like somehow ask a question or make a comment that reveals maybe some information about his availability and then depending on the answer like use it you know if i were meeting a girl i'd be like yes what's up how's uh how's you and the boyfriend and she could be like i have we're doing something and if i don't have a boyfriend i'd be like oh yeah i'd probably smile or smirk and then i'd get a date but then what is happening

i'm envisioning because i was freakinging playing the other miss person who like just fucks a bunch of people in her apartment how do you do she's like i've never no it's just wanting to show up the door with a bottle of wine and a coat and a smile no it's just envisioning if she's not being roasted because i'm saying asking whether what are you and your girlfriend doing this weekend and he's like we're going like to santa barbara have fun cool like yeah punch him in the nose oh then you're just a friendly neighbor making conversation what is that where's the crime in that cool what do you do you leave cryptic notes on people's doors be like hi i've been watching you call me no she leaves friendly

outreach notes yeah i have an excellent track record of shooting my shot is there any wisdom in trying to hang out as friends like doing something or doing not doing something that feels dainty like doing something that's like. More like neighbor-y. What is neighbor-y? Anal. I'll tell you what. You guys look at the grocery bag. Is that butt cream?

So I think our advice is. Go up naked. Go up naked. Is that what you think I do? I'm fucking with you. Okay. My, okay, what I would do is I'd be like,

hey, maybe this sounds weird, but something I like miss about living wherever you were before is knowing your neighbors. I hate the, maybe this sounds weird. That makes it weird.

It's like going up to someone and being like, I don't think it does. Hey, I don't want to upset you, but it's like, I hope this doesn't sound weird. Amelia, just flirt like i don't think it does hey i don't want to upset you but it's like i hope this doesn't sound weird immediately just flirt i don't know she says she has 13 40 banner like is it that hard to like ask a leading question no am i crazy no yeah i think it's possible i think

i think we should vote because the house will clearly split like if this is i hope this is weird but like that immediately i'm weird if someone comes up to me and be like hey i don't want to be weird i'm immediately weirded out yeah i'm already on the defense no offense but and then you say something offensive you have to have a caveat yeah i'm like all right fuck what is she gonna say here we go and by this point the elevator ride is done i'm hitting the door open button as fast as i can but then people are immediately relieved when you don't say something weird. And I think it's a way of acknowledging that people don't talk to strangers. Like one time, okay, like one time I, so I have like a lounge access or like, and like,

I can go to certain restaurants and airports and like, because of like the credit card I have, it will give me like, you can spend like $36 or whatever. And then I can bring a guest if I want. And there was one time where I didn't have i wasn't with anybody and so i like went up to girl i was like hey i know this probably sounds like really bizarre but i can like bring another person and you can have thirty six dollars off your meal and i figured i wouldn't want it to go to waste like do you want to join me like i could because it's a weird thing to say i hear you there where you're like randomly asking a stranger to immediately come have dinner with you. But that's why I think.

That is not the same thing as flirting in the elevator. But if you're saying, but if you're trying to initiate a hangout, like I'm implied, like, you know, some kind of. Yes. If she has two tickets to like some like, you know, like what's some old 80s band? Billy Joel. Well, Billy Joel. I know. you know like what's some old 80s band billy joel well billy joe like i know like it's like poisons in the neighborhood and like she's like and she's got two tickets i hope this isn't so weird but poison is in the neighborhood and they're playing tonight and she's got two tickets and and and she in the shows in an hour yes maybe hit him with

like hey i know this is super fucking random but like would you want to fucking go yeah i hear you there i know this sounds weird but i feel like i'm the only girl in this town who likes anal yes there you go okay so i think do we have nick's advice is to ask the leading question about girlfriend ali that would be more bold. Or you could just more flirt more, ask him more questions about like compliment his, whatever the fuck he's wearing. I don't know. Increase the flirting and see if he responds in kind.

Or just go for it and ask him out. I don't know how much information she has about this guy. So I'm suggesting going out of her way to make it a little more obvious. What if she pretends to be out of salt or an egg or something and then knocks on the door and then it's like, hey, would you happen to have blah, blah, blah to spare? Right. And then ideally he says yes. And then.

And so you take a little bit. And then the next day you bring him a brand new like salt shaker or whatever. Once you've gone to the grocery store. It's a gift. Yeah. And you say like, hey, like appreciate the like neighborly whatever like if you ever need an egg i'm your girl leave a number or what if she just shows up hopefully he's home returns the olive oil whatever the fuck plus the bottle of wine is a thank you maybe he invites you in to

share the bottle of wine or leave the note if he's not there. Then you could peer in and see if there's any like girl things. I clogged my toilet with a huge dookie. Can I use yours? You go in, you rifle through the drawers. You see if there are tampons. You see if there's makeup remover. Is there a headboard? Are there more than one pillow on the bed?

Are the sheets navy? Thank you so much for writing in. You've given in no solution I think egg thing or salt is brilliant it's not bad we gave like

20 suggestions to be fair and we got a little silly in between but there was good stuff hopefully I do think some random

fucking note with what sounds like a little bit of rapport is a bit of a risk. I'm a risk taker. Unless you're Allie.

I'm a closer. That's awesome. I'm not. And we hope Penny's a closer, but we don't know. If you want to be so bold, I think ask him about the girlfriend. It's a great line because it reveals so much without totally giving yourself away and even if they

assume that you ask for reasons that you are that's fine but like it's different than being like hey do you want to go out sorry i have a girlfriend oh well you know your response Hate that. All right. Well, let us know. Sorry for being helpful. I don't think we were. Yeah. We have a great week lined up for y'all. The one and only Amy Kaufman from the LA Times returns because it's a busy, busy, busy, busy day tomorrow. We are talking love is blind. We are talking golden bachelor.

We are talking bachelor in paradise. And who knows what else uh amy being an expert in all of uh of the above plus us it'll be a jam packed day so please join us and then on thursday's episode of going deeper oh it's going to be a good one a big surprise for you all stay tuned you're gonna love it we also had an update episode that dropped this past friday it's on. Everybody can consume it and enjoy it. So check it out. And if you love that update, because I know you do, because I know you all listen to those updates, be sure to check out Vile Files Plus.

There's 13, 14 additional update episodes available behind Vile Files Plus. Plus we got Vanderpump recap episodes. We got Pop Extra available to you and more. So be sure to check that out. Don't forget to send in those questions at AskNickAtTheValveHouse.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting, office hours, mediation, you know the drill. All right. We're going.

Question time with Nick. Let's Ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Kelly. Hi, Kelly. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Kelly.

Hi, Kelly. How can we help? The man that I want to marry never wants to get married. Okay. The man you want to marry. Are you in a relationship with him or? Yes. Okay.

Well, that's a good. How long have you been together? 11 years. 11 years. Okay. Some quick math. So since you were 18? Yes. Okay. Some quick math. So since you were 18? Yes.

Okay. Where are you from? Originally from England, but I live in Canada. Okay. How long have you known he doesn't want to get married? I would say probably the last three years, he's been kind of bringing up his kind of reservations about it. Like sometimes he'll say, I do, but not right now. And then he'll change

his mind and say, he doesn't understand the point of marriage. So he tends to change his mind. Okay. Let's set aside marriage for a second. How's the relationship? It's good. We're really happy. We get along so well. All we do is laugh when we're together. We have the same sense of humor. He talks about kids, which is a good sign. So yeah, we're really happy. 11 years is a long time. Have you been together the whole time? Have you broken up at all? Did you guys have a break ever? So we did a breakup back in 2019 for about three months.

Okay. What happened? That was when we first moved in together. And I guess we maybe kind of had some issues living together. We weren't really working through them very well. We had some communication issues. So that was kind of what ended it. Okay.

When you say communication issues, what do you mean? You moved in together and then broke up? Yeah. And then who went where? So he actually owns the house. So he stayed and then I ended up moving back in with my dad. Okay. For three months and then you moved back in? No, we didn't move back in together until last year. Okay. Back to my original question. When you say communication issues, can you be more specific? Like when we would have issues with stuff that would annoy us about each other, like, oh, you're not doing this around the house or you're not doing that. We were really bad at like talking to each other, like talking through our issues.

We would kind of just ignore each other for days. I'm more of a, when it comes to communication, I'm more of a, I need to talk about it now and like get through it now. And he's more of a, I need my space and I need to like cool off. So he'll kind of like drag it out for a few days. So when you got back together, did you both compromise or was the compromise one-sided? Compromise on what? How you guys communicated. I mean, when you guys have conflict now, does he require two days of solitude and ignoring you?

Or do you get to address it right away? Or is there a happy medium that's going on? Like how, what's the current state of that? I think when we got back together, it was definitely like the same things were going on. But I would say in like the last six months, like our communication has been so good. Like we just, we kind of like talk things through right away

and just get it over right away. And I think it's because we both know that we don't want to fight and we don't, we hate fighting with each other because we really are like best friends. So yeah, it's because we both know that we don't want to fight and we don't we hate fighting with each other because we really are like best friends so yeah it's gotten a lot better okay that's great back to the marriage stuff um how important it is is it to you uh see that's my dilemma is that i do see myself getting married i don't i I was to get to the end of my life and I never got to experience that,

I would really regret it. And especially now that a lot of my friends are getting married and getting engaged, it's definitely solidified that I do want to have that in my life. And I do want to experience that. Okay. I don't know if your friends getting married is a great reason to want to get married. I mean, I get what you're saying. I understand.

And it's normal to want to get married. It's more common, I guess, than not. Would you be okay if he never changes his mind? I don't know. That's my dilemma right now. What if he wanted to have kids with you, but still didn't want to get married? I've told him that that would be an absolute no. I don't think I could give someone children who wouldn't want to marry me. Okay. And how does he feel about kids? Is he like, is it just as wishy-washy as marriage where sometimes it's like maybe, but not right now?

No, he definitely says that he he for sure wants kids for sure wants kids okay when was the last time you had a conversation with him about this or have you ever had a conversation with him about this or is it just like in passing um yeah we talk about it quite often but he tells me that the more I bring it up, the more it kind of pushes him away because then he feels like pressured or forced to want to get married. Okay. So how do you bring it up? And I guess, what about marriage do you guys talk about? Other than like, do you want to do it or not? Is it that simple?

Yeah. Is it that simple? Yeah. Like, well, when I, usually when I bring it up, it will be like, you know, do you think it will happen like this year or in the next, like, you know, a few months? Like, when do you like think it will happen? And he always just says, I don't know. And I ask him, I always ask him why it hasn't happened yet. And his answer is always, it just hasn't happened yet.

And I say, well, in order for it to happen, you have to make it happen. And he just says, I know, I just haven't done it yet. So I don't really get a definitive answer of why it hasn't happened. Do you know what marriage means to him? And what does it mean to you? I've never asked him that question. And that's a good question. Because sometimes he'll say he doesn't see the point of it. Like, oh, it's just a piece of paper. Like, it doesn't mean anything other than it's just a piece of paper. And to me, that's not what it means. To me, it's the deepest form of like showing someone that you want to be with them forever and you're committed to them forever. to be with them forever and you're committed to them forever. Yeah. Do you know what his reservations are?

I mean, I'm asking these questions because, listen, it's 2023. Marriage means a very different thing than it did, you know, 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago. You know, it's constantly changing. You know, rewind 50, 60, 70 years ago, it was more of a transaction, you know, with a little bit of love sprinkled in. Maybe there have been arranged marriages and things like that, you know, with a little bit of love sprinkled in, maybe there have been arranged marriages and things like that, you know, way back when it was, you know, women were considered literal assets that were traded between, you know, sons and fathers and shit like that, you know, and fast forward to 2023, we have obviously a far different and far

more enlightened and progressive society in a lot of areas. There is an element of, I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but there is an element, you know, and I think it's a problem with our culture, our society. I don't know what you want to call it. lot of guys marriage makes less sense you know because there are some financial i guess requirements or commitments potentially without having done anything i i i could see why you know i guess sometimes that um it's gotten to a point where financially people think like what what's the point it's it's just something that will require lawyers if we don't work it out. People are having kids without getting married. People are living together without getting married. Back in the day, it was no one got moved in with each other before they got married. No one

had kids before they had married. And from a societal standpoint, you kind of weren't allowed. So you were required almost to get married to fit in with the rest of society. And now you don't have to do that anymore. To his point, he's probably thinking, well, okay, we don't have to do that. We can have kids. We already live together. I love you. You love me.

Like, why are we taking this one step that if we start having problems and we had problems two years ago and granted things are good now, you know, it's going to get real messy as opposed to like last time you broke up, you just went over to dad's house. This is all to say that if you're going to change his mind, you're going to have to get him to at least be willing to have a conversation with you about him. But that conversation can't just be, when are you going to do it? When are you going to ask me? You know, when are you going to do it? When are you going to ask me? When are you going to marry me? That's not a conversation about marriage. That's just like you asking him when you're going to get the cookie, so to speak. And maybe it's just a conversation saying, listen, I know we

talked about this and as long as you're with me, it'll be something we're going to talk about, but maybe can we change the conversation about what we're talking about? Like, what is it about marriage that bothers you? Because I know you say it doesn't mean anything, but to me, it means, like you just said, we've been together for 11 years. I want that security and I want to have that ceremony, that celebration where we, in front of our families and our community, make vows to our commitment and our love to each other. And I want that security for the, you know, the children we say we want to raise. And I really want that with you. And maybe he will say, well, I want that with you too. But like, maybe he brings up finances and money. I don't know. Maybe he's like, well, you know, just as a

guy, like laws aren't in my favor anymore. I don't know. Maybe he's like, well, just as a guy, laws aren't in my favor anymore. I don't know what he's going to say. Maybe you decide to keep your finances separate. I don't know. You could sign a prenup. I don't know what his roadblocks are, but you got to find out what his roadblocks are. I guess that's my point. You got to find out what is it about marriage that's stopping him. And he can't just say, I don't know. I just not sure if I'm ready right now. And how old is he? He's going to be 29 at the end of the month. Okay. Yeah. So he's approaching 30. I mean, he's young, but not that young anymore. You've been together for 11 years. You live together. To your point, you're just like, maybe you want to start having kids soon. I don't know.

And you have every right to feel the way you do. But just saying, when are you going to ask? What are you going to ask? Give me a deadline. Give me a timeframe. Give me, you know, this comes across as nagging and frustrating. And he's probably thinking, oh, well, she just wants some ring. And like, I have to buy a wedding and all this shit. He's just probably thinking it was one big expense. And I don't know. I don't know what's important to you. I don't know if you want a big expensive wedding. I don't know if you want a big expensive ring.

And there'd be nothing wrong if you did. There's nothing wrong if you want to have a nice celebration. But I guess what I'm saying is you two need to get on the same page of what it means to both of you to be married. And then you need to find some compromises, you know, around that because he, he might say, well, you know,

to me, all marriage is, is me having to spend a shit ton of money on a ring and a shit ton of money on a wedding. And I want, I'd rather invest that in our kids or in a home for us, yada, yada. And those are valid things anyone could say. But then you could say, all right, well, again, what's important to me is the ceremony, the commitment. We don't need to spend a ton of money on a ring or a

wedding to do either of those. You could have a beautiful wedding in the backyard picnic on a nice spring, fall, summer day with your 30 or 40 closest friends and serve hot dogs. You know, you could, if you wanted to. That sounds lovely. I love hot dogs.

Let's do that. And it could be really inexpensive and it could be really beautiful and you could get everything you wanted out of a marriage, you know, and you could sign a prenup and you could say, all right, well, I want to be married, but if things don't work out, let's make it easy on each other. You could do a lot of that stuff. Now that can make it unromantic. It's never fun to talk about breaking up while you're talking about getting married, but those are conversations that couples have to have from time to time.

But all to say, again, you need to get on the same page of what his reservations about marriage are, and you guys need to find some compromises to see if you can get on the same page. I remember in your email that you'd mentioned that both of your parents had messy divorces, and I'm sure that in his mind that's playing into this. Oh, yeah.

But I feel like you could say to him, because you also experienced that like that doesn't worry me and here's why you know i know that it worries you but here are all the reasons why that doesn't worry me because we're different because you know i don't know what the reasons are but i think that could be a really helpful conversation for you two to have as well because you do share that but obviously like you have very different feelings about that also if you if he plans on having kids with you if you break up it's gonna get messy yeah so that's another thing it would be one thing if he was like i don't you know if you told me i don't know if he wants to get married and now he's unsure about kids you know this sounds like

a guy who's just never really wants to commit to anything and maybe just wants to have that flexibility and freedom for much of his life. But the fact that he does want to have kids, and I'm hoping when he says that, he means that with you, then I think there's some hope there. Because, listen, the institution of marriage has been under question for some time. There are some valid questions about the institution of marriage is has been under question for for some time there are some valid questions about the institution of marriage you know is it a more old-school tradition is it relevant to this day i think it is but at the same time i think it requires some more modern day conversations between the two parties getting married you know that might feel unromantic and might feel um like it's killing the vibe of the engagement or the marriage you know because back in the day there you know it's just like let's

us get married because we're in love back in the day you weren't even allowed to get divorced you know not too long ago you know so yeah and that's the thing is that i don't want to not experience it just because i might like may or may not get divorced in the future. Because you never know what's going to happen. So I wouldn't want to just say, oh, I don't want to get married because it's going to end in divorce. Because you just don't know that. Do you guys do any type of therapy? No.

Have you broached the subject or is it just something that hasn't been talked about ever? I have. have you broached the subject or is it just something that hasn't been talked about ever i have yeah and i it's something that i would definitely be interested in and i've told him that but he he says we're too young for that and he wouldn't want to so gosh well you're not too young for that you know um i don't know what age has anything to do with it is there like an age requirement for therapy does he have you asked him? I don't think so. Did he ask him what the appropriate age is for therapy? Apparently. You have the right also to say, I want to continue to build our relationship. You've been together for 11 years. You should be continuing to invest in the relationship.

Yeah. So next time you bring up therapy, you should sell therapy as an investment in your connection. I want to feel, whether we're married or not married, I always want to work on our connection. I want to stay connected. I want to build our connection. I want to strengthen our connection. That's really what it's all about. Hey,, hey, we broke up not too long ago. Not too long ago, we tried to move in with each other and we got on each other's nerves so much that you kind of got kicked out. Not that long ago.

So there's clearly things that you guys can work on. Like every couple can work on them. Clearly things about your connection. And you can say to them, like, listen, like right now it can make me very frustrated that you just are on cruise control in our relationship. We live together. You go to work.

I go to work. You don't want to talk about the future other than the fact that you know you want to have kids someday. You don't want to work with me on strengthening our connection and finding new ways that we can connect and improve our communication. Does he go to the gym? Yeah, he does. He does. Okay. So he knows the concept of what it is to like invest in himself and work on his like physical health, right? So like ask him, why does he go to the gym? I'm assuming he's going to say, because I want to stay healthy. I want to keep working on myself. Does he go to the gym one time a year? No, more often than not. Yeah, on some sort of regular basis to maintain his fitness and things like that.

So ask him, what are we doing to maintain our connection? Because if he just stopped working out, his physical health would change. His body would change. If you stop investing in your relationship, if you stop working on how you guys communicate, what do you think is going to happen? That connection is going to weaken. You're going to feel more distant. People in all sorts of relationships who have kids, have been married for 20 years, it's pretty common to feel like they've grown apart. Well, why do you think that is? Because they haven't done anything to invest in their relationship. You work out, you go to the gym, you get in real great shape, and then you take off for six months or a year. What do you think happens? Do you think you maintain that physical condition that you worked so hard to get for those six months? Like if you stop working on it, it'll go back to what it was. So these are things that you can say to him to try to get him

out of that mindset. Also, you're always welcome to bring him on and we can talk with him together. That would be great. We'd love to. Is this helpful at all? Definitely. I think having the conversation about what it would mean to him to be married and what marriage means to him i don't think i've ever had that conversation with him so that would be that would be a really good conversation it sounds like i'd be willing to bet if i asked him the same question he'd probably be like i don't know i think she just wants to get married yeah that's what i think he thinks you know he thinks i just want a ring and and've had things with him about what a wedding would be.

And I've even said to him, I'd be happy to just elope. To me, it's not about having a fancy ring or having a fancy wedding. It's about being married to you because I love you. I'm committed to you. I want a life with you. And yes, we could have that without being married, but having a wedding and being married and having my family there, that's important to me. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I think you have every right to be frustrated that whether it's marriage or therapy or other aspects

of you wanting to find new ways and be proactive about your relationship that you guys stay connected and working on connection and he's resistant to that, you have every right to be frustrated. And I would focus more on that than the simple fact that he is trying to push, you know, kick marriage down the road, so to speak. It's harder to justify why he doesn't want to continue to invest in his relationship with you. So maybe trying to change the conversation to how you talk about why you want to work on things because, you know, in fairness to him,

if you bring up therapy, therapy equals problems to a lot of people in their mindset. They think of it as a reactive thing. I need therapy because this happened. You know, I don't want to wait till we go to therapy until we have problems again. I want to keep building our connection and things are great between us. But like what would be so bad about investing a little bit of money and spending an hour with me every week or every other week with a professional that might help us be more on the same page. I'll tell you what, therapy could be really hot. It can really bring you together. It can make sex better. It can make your time that you spend together more fun,

more enjoyable. It can make both of you feel really loved and considered by the other person. So there's a lot of great things. Listen, if he doesn't want to go to therapy right now, that's not the end of the world, but he needs to still be willing to do things with you that make it feel like you're working on the relationship, that you're working on your connection, not just going through the motions every day where he wakes up and he says, hey, babe, going to work. Hey, babe, come home. How was your day? You know, and getting your routines and your patterns and you have your lives. And he's just kind of settled into this like life with no kind of plans of doing anything because it's incredibly comfortable right

now. Yeah, I completely agree with you. And I think that it's definitely going to be good to kind of change the conversation about, you know, and when I bring it up, how I kind of bring it up to him and how we speak about it. So I think that's going to be great. Awesome. Amazing. Well, keep us posted. I will.

We'd love an update. If he ever wants to come on together, we would love to have you both on. We could talk it through together. Be like, if you don't want to do therapy, fine. But I need you to do this one thing for me. And maybe, yeah, maybe that's how you get him to go to therapy. And just remember, at the end of the day, keep it positive. You just say, listen, I need you to do this one thing for me. And maybe, yeah, maybe that's how you get him to go to therapy. And just remember, at the end of the day, keep it positive. You just say, listen, I love you. I want to be with you. I couldn't be happier with you. I am so grateful to be in your life. I love every, you know, keep it always positive. Compliment him. Compliment the relationship. But because you love him and the relationship so much, you want to, you just want

to be proactive about things. And yeah, I want to spend the rest of your life with you and I want to marry you. But I do want to hear you out. I want to hear your reservations. I want you to feel good about this. I don't want to pressure you. I don't want to give you a timeline. Just know that it's important to me. And I want to know that you care what's important to me and I care what's important to you. And I just want to hear about it and let's talk about it and let's find compromises and let's get on the same page and let's find a middle ground. Because that sounds a lot better than, well, my friends are getting engaged and my friends are getting married, so why am I not engaged yet? We've been together for 11 years. That's not going to get him to want to get engaged.

Yeah. And that's kind of the conversation that I've been having. So maybe I'm not going about it the right way. Yeah, it needs to be about your connection, you know? And he needs to feel like he's doing it, not just to shut you up. He's voiced the fact that, you know, he doesn't want to do it just because he doesn't want me to walk away or just because I want to do it. Like it has to be,

he wants to do it in his own time when it feels good for him, when it feels natural to him. And that makes sense, but he does need to be proactive about how he plans on getting there, you know, and that's where you can hold him accountable. And so focus on the next, I would say the next six months, stop focusing about marriage and focus on your connection and expect him to participate and you two focusing on strengthening and growing your connection. Yeah, that sounds good. All right. All right. Keep us posted. Good luck.

I will. Thanks, Nick. Thanks for calling. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. I will. Thanks, Nick. Thanks for calling. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye.

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to try Grammarly today. How's it going? Hey, Nick, good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Jen and I'm 29 years old. How can we help, Jen? I do not know if I am,

or I need help deciphering if I am self sabotaging the potential future of a healthy relationship I'm in or if he's just not my person. Well, how long have you been in this relationship? So it's a new relationship. We started dating a little over a month ago, but we've known each other for a little over six years now. We worked together for that amount of time, have had a friendship that whole time, but yeah, just started dating a little over a month ago. How did you guys go from being friends of six years to starting to date? So throughout like working together, we've always had a good friendship and have always had a connection. I, however, have, we've never explored even, we've never even talked about

our interest in one another. Just, it just felt like we always had a connection there, but I've always been in a relationship. So when we did meet, I was in a long-term relationship and that ended a few years ago. So one fact that you should know too probably is that there's distance between us. He lives on the other side of the country and I'm in the Midwest. And a couple of years ago, I had asked him to be a date to a wedding with me just because again, I knew we always had a good friendship. I always felt like something was there, you know, kind of wanted to shoot my shot a little bit. He came out, flew out to be my date to the wedding. We had a great time. Um, and then he went back, back to his hometown and somebody had reached out to me by after he found out that I was single

and him and I started dating and I kind of went with the option that was local and would have been more convenient. And that ended, that relationship ended back in February. And I just so happened to be going on a trip with my mom out to where my current relationship lives. And I figured, why not just see him and reestablish at least the friendship because I really valued our friendship and connection before even it was ever anything just throughout being co-workers together. And that kind of rekindled things. He was very cautious with it, of course, at the start, just protecting his heart and his feelings, making sure I had all the best intentions. But since then, we've flown out to one another.

I've seen one another. And then a couple of months ago, made it official. So that was a lot of words. That was a long story. But that's kind of how it got to where we are okay so how why did you start dating i mean i got like the whole like yeah i dated this guy this guy and then i you know but like like i mean it's already long distance yep so what made you guys go we should start dating and what does dating mean to the both of you so i guess we started out with dating one another, right?

Like spending time flying out to one another and seeing each other and exploring the connection. And then we made it official a month and a half ago where we were like, okay, we both defined a relationship separately to see if it aligned. And that's where we're committed to one another. We're focusing on one another. And we decided that because we wanted to continue growing our connection and focusing only on one another and we decided that because we wanted to continue growing our connection and focusing only on one another we both didn't have the desire to look for anyone else or seek a connection with anybody else because we really liked and enjoy what we have in our connection and our similarities and all of that so we made it official because

it's what we wanted we We weren't seeking anybody else. And we were both on the same page there. So what's the problem? Like, why are you calling? So I'm calling because I have something in me that feels unsure and uneasy. There's a difference between unsure and uneasy. You're like, unsure. It's just like, well, I've been dating a guy for a month.

So like, of course,'m unsure unsure i'm assuming when you mean unsure like i'm sure unsure if this is like my forever person uneasy i don't what do you mean by uneasy uneasy sounds like the situation makes you uncomfortable like there's a you know but which which is it more uneasy or more unsure definitely unsure okay not uneasy i'm not uncomfortable at all in fact i'm the most which is it more uneasy or more unsure? Definitely unsure. Okay. Not uneasy. I'm not uncomfortable at all. In fact, I'm the most comfortable with him I've been with anybody. Well, what do you want to be sure about after a month of dating someone? That's a good question.

I think I'm fast forwarding in my brain and wanting to be sure that I don't want to make a mistake again and spend too long with somebody again and them not be the right person. I mean, I don't know what to tell you other than tough luck kind of thing. How old are you again? 29. Yeah. And I don't know what 29 feels like for you. I don't know if you have any thoughts or feelings about 30 being around the corner and I can appreciate feeling anxious and hoping to meet someone. I totally relate to the feeling of knowing what it's like to invest in relationships that don't work out. But unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about it. You don't want to make the mistake of trying to fast forward, you know, building a relationship with someone just because you want assurances and guarantees that a relationship is going to work out.

Yeah, definitely. That makes sense. Despite that, I mean, is it just that that makes you unsure the hey, I'm 29. I've had some past relationships that work out. Do I really want to invest in this guy? Because what if it doesn't work out? And then I'll be 32 or whatever it is. And if you don't break up, or is there something about him or the relationship that, you know, is making you feel uncomfortable? I wouldn't say there's anything about the relationship that you know is making you feel uncomfortable i wouldn't say there's anything about the relationship that's making me feel uncomfortable at all i would say

that this feels so shallow and surface stuff all of me so like i feel like there are some really baby eggs what are there so like one of them for example is if we're driving or if I'm driving or I grab his hand and hold his hand in my lap and then I take my hand not confidently like just like by my seat belt it's like this lack of confidence and like physical touch i guess like you know so i think you want me to that just bugs me a little bit you want me to grab you so i'm gonna grab me yeah yeah have you told him that though like have you even like joke jokingly said hey bring that back i haven't and that's definitely something i could i could do i let it just be like in my head i'm like why why are you not why are you just dangling your hand there just keep it on my leg he's not a mind reader he's only been dating you for a month and keep in mind you have most of your relationship that you have with this guy is as friends.

And I don't know him as personality or you or whatever, but I can guess. Just imagine that it would make sense if two friends early in dating, you know, are a little more reserved or, you know, not sure. Like maybe those lines between friendship and and lovers you know is uh blurred a little bit or confusing i don't know but it wouldn't be that crazy for him to still not sure how assertive you want him to be yeah again maybe maybe like you know your love language sounds like maybe there's some physical touch in there i don don't know. And maybe you haven't talked about that yet. But to Allie's point, there's nothing wrong with being like, I love it when you touch me. I love it when you do this.

I love it when you do that. Like, keep doing this. You know, this makes me feel good. It doesn't do you much good to get frustrated or call something an ick about a guy when he doesn't know what it is you want. I think something to that could be playing a role on that and me communicating stuff like that would make it a ton easier is he hasn't been in a relationship before he's dated around but he hasn't been with anybody officially in a committed relationship so i feel like this is new territory for him and this is his first relationship it's his first relationship

how old is he 34. and my first relationship like he's never is he a virgin no not a virgin no he's he's been definitely dated around so he's been a boy kind of thing do you think i've so i've asked him about why because he's so great i like, why have you not been with anybody in a committed relationship? And he puts it as like, if you were to ask his friends and family, it would be that he's too picky. He's got, he knows what he's looking for. He's got this list and he's not going to pursue anybody, you know, seriously if they don't meet that list.

But he did admit to there being a couple times where he could have communicated earlier on that he knew this person wasn't for him and, and had some fun with that person and same vice versa of that person, they do end up communicating with one another that they're not ultimately feeling each other. But it's more I don't want to call him a fuck boy. Just because i don't think he's ever he's not the type of person from what i know of him to intent like mess with people's hearts like that well i don't think i mean yeah with semantics but i mean i don't i don't mean it like that but i just mean he's been around dating sure yeah and not committing and having sex. Yes. And why do you think you're different?

Have you asked them that? You know, what's different about me in our relationship that made you want to, you know, being your first relationship? I haven't. I've thought about the question, but I haven't actually asked them that. I should. Like what you say, you're picky. You've got this list.

What is that list i should well i don't think you need to like convince him that he's making a wrong decision or something like that about you but i think it would be a fair question to be like you know it's their first relationship like i'm just curious like what made you want to be in a relationship with me do you guys communicate feelings we do what do you guys communicate what do you know about him and how he feels about you? It's actually funny you say that we just I dropped him off at the airport the other day and he mentioned love ya. And it was in the stream, though, of like, thank you for everything you did

for me while I was here. I'm so grateful. You're my favorite person. I care so much about you. I love our time together and I love you. I love you. It kind of rolled out like that. And so I ended up needing to clarify, was that I love you or was that just I love you as a person kind of thing or like in a term of endearment. And we ended up getting on the same page of at least right now, it's a term of endearment, which I was like, okay, I get that and love you too. I love you as a person too, but let's refrain from using that word until we're ready to use it. What was the other ick other than him not touching you enough?

It's all lack of confidence in terms of intimacy. I just, this is all, oh my God. I feel like he's not such a confident kisser. And this is something that this is why I think that as we get closer to another and establish a relationship that I'm letting fear of my past block my feelings or like make me analyze things more because this didn't bug me months ago. But now it's starting to bug me that I feel like he's not a confident kisser. And it's a little bit of an awkward, a little bit of an awkward kisser and it just kind of i'm like come on you know we can do this but i'm getting the impression that you're like sitting back and waiting for him to do all these things and all while you're like analyzing

his behavior and if that is the case maybe you don't realize how you're coming across to him. And maybe instead of being in the moment, you're analyzing his confidence and his kissing ability. You might come across as like someone who doesn't look like they want to be kissed or something like that. It sounds like you like the guy. It sounds like you have a good rapport. It sounds like you have some nice history that you can build off of. You guys are willing to visit each other. I mean, obviously, with it being long distance, it's not ideal for the long term. Have you guys talked about that? I mean, are both of you or what are you willing to relocate if this thing really picks up? Yeah. Before we even committed to one another, we had that conversation of we know that this is going to be an obstacle. So what are we going to

do to make it less of one? And we both committed to always having it scheduled when one another coming out to each other and that there's an end in sight. So we said by one year mark at the latest, we will at least have a decision of who's moving where we both vocalize that we're both willing to move. Okay. So that all felt really good going into it. And honestly, I know in a past relationship, I've had distance and it was definitely something that destroyed us. Although the distance itself that it's just the communication, but his communication is so strong and I'm working on mine and just going into it with those expectations. I feel like distance, it's nice to feel like distance is not getting in the way of us when I feel like oftentimes it would be, but it's because of the communication and things like

that. Well, that's great. I don't know. I think you just keep doing what you're doing. I mean, again, I can't sit there and tell you whether this is going to work out or not. I have no, I have no clue. It's you've only been dating for a month. You guys have a lot to learn about each other. And then we have a lot, a lot of room to grow this relationship, which is hopefully exciting for you. But in six months, you could, all of a sudden you could be right against him and be like,

I don't understand why my boyfriend's ignoring me. He ghosted or two years from now. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. I can't predict the future. But right now, it sounds like you have a lot of good things to be excited about when it comes to this relationship

that's only a month old. And instead of analyzing these little things that annoy you or frustrate you or you find as an ick, just communicate what you want him to do and see if he's receptive to listening to your needs and making them a priority. Because if he's willing to do that, I think that would be a pretty great thing. he's willing to do that, I think that would be a pretty great thing, rather than someone who just accidentally touches you the way you want by guessing. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I feel like too, communicating, that's so important. And I'm letting myself overanalyze the whole situation. It's like, oh, you didn't notice these things

before, but granted, you're going to notice some nuances that you don't like over time. Nobody's perfect. But I'm like, in my head, I'm telling myself or wondering to myself, that is it because you have a guard up from past relationships and you're fearful of repeating history and all of that, that now you're fixing on, you're trying, you're searching for chaos. You're trying to find something wrong when this person is finally somebody who's treating you really great.

You don't want to sabotage it. Yeah. I mean, maybe, I mean, I don't know what you're doing to sabotage it, but it sounds like you are overthinking it. It's normal. I understand why, you know, you want to be sure. And also like, take it slow i know you it's like you want to find out fast if this is someone you can you should commit to you know you

guys have committed to each other so and that's a great thing you know other people these days you know it's like well let's just see and you know let's not necessarily commit and for a period of time that can make sense but other people can get frustrated. So the fact that you guys committed to each other, you know, I just keep moving forward. But if you want to slow it down, you can, if you want to move it faster, you can. I mean, the fact that you guys have long distance can be a great thing early in a relationship. You know, it does make you guys have to communicate more because you can't just sit in the same room, watch TV and touch each other. You know, which can happen early in relationships. And you've been dating someone for three months and then you're like, I don't really know anything about him.

We've just been having sex. So you don't have to worry about that. You get to miss each other. You get to get out of play and see each other and, you know, have it feel really intense and great. And that can be a lot of fun. And eventually, yeah, you'll have to shorten the distance. But until then, just, you know, it feel really intense and great and that can be a lot of fun and eventually yeah you'll have to shorten the distance but until then just you know enjoy them you're not going to be able to find out you know if this is your forever person and anytime soon all you can do

is just keep getting to learn about him and keep trying to make it a priority for the both of you to build your connection so that you guys feel more and more comfortable with each other. And it's only been a month and it would be, it's normal for him to be unsure about everything you want him to do and everything you like and vice versa. Totally true. I think this is helping me see that I need to have a little more grace and patience, really patience, like grace with myself and him in terms of just our past experiences and where we're at, but also patience and letting us have the connection we have and take the time it needs and not have this expectation of knowing right now. And I would be willing to bet that if we got off the phone, all of a sudden you didn't hear from him for three days and his communication changed and he became more distant, you would panic and you would start talking to your friends or write us or whatever. And you wouldn't be thinking about, do I like him if he's my person? You would be obsessed over why, you know, I thought we had a great thing and why is his behavior changing and yada, yada, yada. And right now you maybe feel a little bit more

in control and maybe you feel confident in his feelings towards you. Again, it is early. I don't know what you need to do to not psych yourself out, but just try to appreciate the moment. It's only been a month and just keep building on what you got. Yeah, for sure. That's helpful. That, that definitely gives me peace and feeling like this is normal.

Like, you know, what I'm feeling is normal. It's very early on and, and just to have more patience for sure. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

All right. Well, good luck. Thanks. All right. Keep us posted. Definitely. We'll do. All right. Take care. yeah absolutely yeah all right well good luck thanks Nick all right I appreciate it keep us posted definitely will do all right take care you too bye guys bye

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To claim, visit article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going? Hi, my name is Christina. I'm 25 and I'm just trying to figure out if I should try and make things work again with the father of my child. Okay. How long have you been with this guy? Are you with him now? Yes. You are. We've been together for two years. I guess we did go through one breakup already that lasted the length of my pregnancy. And we've been back together for about five months now. So you were broken up for your entire pregnancy? Yes. So I guess a little bit of backstory. I am currently living in Alabama. I'm originally

from Utah. And that's where we met. We moved out to Alabama together. For what purpose? Well, his parents are out here and they love the city that they're in. It's actually a booming city and they just kept begging him to come out there. So I guess I was feeling ambitious and sick of my hometown. So I said, why not? So. Okay. All right.

And when you say work again, I mean, I'm assuming you're referring to the fact that you guys broken up. Why'd you get back together? Yeah. So that's the big question. I was in Utah for, you know, just with my family. And I think, you know, since the moment we broke up it was almost a switch he kind of just did everything I had wanted him to do and I was annoyed at first I just ignored it and kept the conversation very simple only giving him updates about the baby and it got to the point where we slowly started to visit. He would come visit me. I would

go visit him. And yeah, I think we slowly rekindled. And I had this question of what if we got back together and tried the whole family thing and ended up working out. He genuinely seemed like he was implementing good habits into his life that I really liked and I thought could do well for us. So yeah, I said, you know what, let's give it a shot and see how things go. And you've been back together for how long? Right after I gave birth. And so about five months. Okay. Where was your kid born? In Utah. And then two weeks later I moved. Interesting. I'm just curious about like, what have you, what discussions you've had about like

custody? Yeah, we haven't really had much, I guess kind of like I would be the one to keep him. It's been like a, I guess, official, unofficial conversation about it. I mean, he did sign paternity papers. So legally, he does have an obligation to still take care of him. The reason why I asked where your kid was married, and I am in no way up to speed on custody laws or anything like that, but any one parent's ability to take their kid to a different state is limited. I think there are some laws around that. And I don't know if it has to do with where your kid was born or not, but I'm assuming if you break up, you're planning on moving back to Utah? Yeah. And that's the really shitty thing, actually, because I've fallen in love with

the city that I'm in now. And there's amazing career opportunities all the time. I just recently got back into work. I'm just waitressing. But you love the city, though. So no, you're not going to move back? Well, I just don't have any way to support myself on my own when it comes to you know living yeah i mean i don't know i wouldn't be able to work full-time and still look after my little one um necessarily even pay for child care at that point what's baby daddy to do he's in finance for a car dealership so he's making money yeah and do you think he would support do you think he would uh so i guess that's another thing we kind of had a conversation of

what if things don't work out and i think in his desperity to keep at least his son around. He did offer to pay for like my own rent in my own apartment. And there's a car in his name, but I mostly drive it because it's like a SUV. He would still offer that car for me to drive. And I just kind of thought that was a little crazy because we wouldn't be in a relationship and he would be forking out, you know, so much for all of these things. I just didn't know if I felt comfortable with that kind of being held over me, relying on him, depending on him. Well, I mean, listen, it's not a perfect situation and I hear you on that, but this shit happens all the time, I guess. And, you know, you moved to his home state out of your circle of influence out of your support system outside of the relationship I mean you know you you did that and you know if you guys don't work out what's best for your kids it kid I'm assuming is that you know he gets to have a father and a mother regardless of they're together to raise them. You have a son, it sounds like. Yeah. Yeah. So people pay child support all the time. That's normal. Yes. There's a lot of messiness when it comes to all these things. And I'm not saying

it's a perfect system. That being said, you moved out of your support system to his state. You like the city you live in. You're not in a perfect situation. If you were to break up, you're already back to work. But yes, it would say, you know, raising a kid on your own, working full time seems like very difficult to do. Right now, child care, there's a cost there. I don't know what you guys, if you guys do break up, if you are lucky enough that you are both civil people who can set their personal issues aside to focus on the well-being of their son to say, what is the best for us as individuals and our kid? How do we make this work? I'm willing to do my part. You're back to work. You're willing to work. You're willing

to contribute, but you need help, right? You need either help with child support. You need either help getting up on your feet, your own place. He should be paying for some of that. Now, there are people who try to take advantage of people when it comes to child support. Kevin Costner's ex-wife. You don't have to do that. But there's a difference between trying to get 40 grand a month and expecting someone who is financially secure, your boyfriend, who's making sounds like a pretty good work and contribute and he can you know i think him paying rent makes a lot of sense to be honest i think i don't know i mean as far as hanging over your head you it's not over your head it's you have a son together it's not like you guys don't have a son together and you're breaking up and he's

like paying your rent he's paying he's paying his son's rent he's not paying your rent. Yeah, that's true. He's paying his son's rent. He's not paying your rent. That's true. That is true. The alternative is you move to Utah and you take his kid halfway across the country. It's like, all right, fine. I can't afford to be here. What do you want me to do? I'm going to move back home where my parents will let me live with them and I can go to work and then my parents can watch over our son while I try to make some money for the two of us, you know? And if you have a problem with that, then I don't know what to tell you.

But if you want to support us and I want our son, despite our relationship and our differences, you know, to have a father and I want him to be around you And I want us to figure it out and be civil. And I want to contribute too. And I need you to help as well. And it'd be great if you too, as civil parents, can avoid expensive and messy lawyers and find a compromise and something that you both think is fair and reasonable, giving your situation. I truly hope that you guys can do that because most people can't, you know, because most people can't put their petty differences aside and their egos aside and

they want revenge and, you know, they're not willing to put their, you know, kid first when it comes to two individuals thinking what's best for our child. And I'm guessing you both would agree what's best for your child to have their parents be in the same city, to have some sort of shared custody so they can have family in their life. And you two will figure out how you can make financial ends meet. Yeah. I definitely don't think I'm nervous about us being, I guess, like at each other's throats. I think I could see us being able to communicate well once we are separated. Quite honestly, we had the greatest communication we've ever had when we weren't together.

And I don't know if that's just because like we were so far apart. We were on top of each other all the time. So, I mean, yeah yeah i don't think i'm worried about that i think it's just so why my own heart i still like obviously feel for this person why do you want to break up with them because it's not me it sounds like you want to break up with them yes well we we just have so many differences and we've had so many issues through our entire relationship i feel like the first time I broke up with him, I just didn't feel like a priority in his life. He was just a very distant partner.

I would give love and he would pull back, kind of like just stonewall. And I was fed up of just constantly emptying my cup and not being filled back in or filled back up with love and attention and care in the relationship. So I think it's kind of turned into that again, except on top of now having a baby in the home. And I've kind of become a distant partner as well, where I feel like I have toxic behaviors towards him and resentment towards him and all of my love and care and attention goes towards the baby. And it's just, yeah, honestly, it's not a

good situation. I just would hate to see the connection between father and son just not there because I ended up moving away. How does he feel about the possibility of breaking up? He's very sad about it. bad enough to do something about it i mean well every time i kind of bring it up he says like no let's work on it we'll try we keep talking about going to therapy and i guess it kind of adds like another thing towards him the other day we did have an argument and i just kind of blurted out that I don't love him anymore. So that has kind of been something that has just really made me feel like this pit in my stomach of like, what are we even doing anymore for these past few days now? And we've come to the conclusion where regardless of whatever step we take next of either breaking up, staying together,

whatever that looks like, we need therapy help. And so that's something that we have both decided. That's amazing. We're going to look into that and do it. I was just going to suggest that. So I'm glad that you are already on top of it, because regardless of what you guys decide to do, like, I think it'd be great for you guys to go into couples therapy, even like if you went tomorrow or today. Hey, here's our situation. We broke up. We got back together. I told him I didn't love him anymore. I don't feel loved by him. We have this kid together. Why are we here? I honestly not sure. But more than anything, we're here because we have a kid together. And we are on the same page of wanting to do what's best for our child. There's some love between us. I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore, but we, I'm assuming this is me kind of role-playing with you here, but you guys go in and it's you guys saying, we're here to try to figure out how we move forward, either as a couple

or as two parents who've decided that while their relationship as a romantic couple isn't what's best for them, how can we maintain a healthy and ongoing relationship with each other while we raise our kid together? Because no matter what you decide to do, this man is going to be in your life for the next 18 years. Yeah, exactly. And probably longer. So I think therapy is a great thing for you guys to do regardless. And maybe through therapy, you guys will come to a more concrete decision. Through therapy, you can say, you know what, maybe we should really end it. But you can even continue to go to therapy to figure out how do you guys communicate parenting styles, communicate these very sensitive conversations, because you're going to have to

communicate with this man and you're going to have to work through conflict with this man for the next 18 years, regardless of what your relationship status is. And I think therapy could go a long way to help that out. Therapy is a lot less expensive than lawyers, you know? Right. So there's that. Yeah. No, I'm definitely okay. I think both of us are in agreeance with going to therapy.

I think it's frustrating because it's taken us to get to this point for him to finally say, like, actually be looking for a therapist. I think we've always talked about going to therapy, but there's always been some type of excuse to not go. Yeah. I mean, he wouldn't be the first. How old is he?

He's 29. Yeah. Well, we just got off the phone with another 29 year old couple who was reluctant to go to therapy. So I hear you that it's frustrating for him to wait this long, but listen, at least he's willing to do it

now and you don't have to stay with him you know you have a kid together yeah you're not going to be able to change that you know this is not a hey i've been dating this guy for five months and i'm thinking about breaking up with him yeah fuck fuck it break up five months from now you'll you won't even know what he's doing you know i have no idea what my exes are doing you know i have no fucking clue but i don't have kids with them and you do and so you got to make that work and the more you can do now uh the better it'll be for the both of you yeah i think you kind of helped change my mind as far as like being okay with allowing him to help where he's already said he's wanted to help out just

to help keep me living in the same city and not have to move all the way back across the country. I think, I don't know, maybe that was just part of my ego being like, I don't want that support from him if we're not together. But you're right, like we have a kid. So it's really more so support for his kid. And I can let it be that in my head and not, I guess, be reluctant talking about that. It should be support for his kid. Yeah. I mean, it's not his job to support you if he's not in a relationship with you. I don't think that's just me, but it is his job to support his son. And supporting his son indirectly might benefit you.

But at the same time, like you said, you know, you need a place to live. Your kid needs a place to live. You know, he is right now making more money than you. He is the breadwinner of this dynamic. And as such, he needs to step up and, you know, support his kid. And the fact that you are willing to work and go back to work is great, you know, but who kid. And the fact that you are willing to work and go back to work is great, you know, but who's going to take care of the kid?

You know, maybe it's his parents. Maybe you guys spend on some daycare, of which that's going to be a significant cost. Maybe you guys decide, even as a couple that's not together, it's just like, well, I can go back to work and, you know, your waiting tables, you know, you can make great money waiting tables,

but I don't know how many hours you can work right and then you're like well i'm making x number a week and they're like oh well daycare is x number a week and you're like well why don't i just stay home with my kid instead of like making an extra 150 bucks a week because when it's all said and done everything i'm making is going towards child support so what's the fucking point i don't know or maybe you're making three times more than child support would, would cost. And it makes sense for you to work. These are conversations you're going to have to sit down and have with him. But the common goal is your son and you have that going for you. But before that, you know, figure out what you want to do romantically, you know, with him, it sounds like you're kind of mentally checked out. You

told him you don't love him anymore. That's must be hard to hear. But if he's not willing to step up and make you feel like a priority, you have the right to not want to be in this relationship. Yeah. No, I think, I think at this point we're just both hurting each other. I think we're just, yeah, creating more of a mess than we can really clean up right now. My immediate advice to you would be to take him up on the idea that he is open to doing couples therapy and go to him and say, hey, listen, I know we've been at each other's throats.

I know I've said some things that probably sounded hurtful and I don't want to hurt you. I'm just obviously very frustrated. I'm sad. I'm confused. You probably feel the same way. I am glad that you're willing to go to couples therapy. I'm not, I'm confused. You probably feel the same way. I am glad that you're willing to go to couples therapy. I'm not making any promises. I don't think we can make promises

on what couple therapy is going to do for us, but whether it's to work on us or just to help us co-parent better, I think going to couples therapy could be a great thing. So before we make any decisions about what we're going to do, how about we commit to doing therapy to help us make a decision on what we should do to figure out, is there hope for us? Or if not, how do we make this situation the best for both of us and more importantly, our son? Yeah. No, I definitely like that. Yeah. I think I just needed some guidance on how to even just address things. Things are just extremely awkward and we've gotten in the habit of avoiding any type of conversation when it comes to deep stuff because it ends up in a screaming match. And so we've gotten very distant.

Yeah, you guys don't know how to communicate. So you need a third party professional to kind of, and that's what a couple of therapists does. They're kind of like a referee. You bring up a topic, you guys don't know how to communicate. So you need a third-party professional to kind of, and that's what a couple of therapists does. They're kind of like a referee. You bring up a topic, you'll say something. Instead of screaming at each other, that person will be there to watch the both of you, see how you're reacting to what the other person says,

keep you guys, hold you guys accountable for listening to the other person, not raise your voices. Now, granted, you gotta have to play by the rules, so to speak. But again, I think that'll help you guys get to the right decision. Because right now, everything seems so personal and reactive and, you know, it must be confusing. And there's probably a lot of, you know, question marks and fears that you might have, you know, hey, I'm away from my family. They're in Utah, but I like this city. What am I supposed to do? It can all be very confusing. And your emotions, I would bet, are, you know, getting in the way of you guys having productive conversations. And again, that's where

a therapist can help you guys, you know, make some of these important decisions together. Yeah. No, I think, yeah, I think that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm actually going to go see him for lunch right after this. So I think that's something I'll bring up and just kind of help like start a path. Because I think right now, all we knew was therapy. And yeah, I think that helps. Yeah, so sit him down and say, hey, and maybe lead with. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings with some of the things I said.

I just I'm very confused and frustrated right now. You must feel the same. But I'm glad we can agree that we want to do what's best for our son and maybe hopefully each other. But if you're still willing to get couples therapy, I think we should do that. And we should try to make these very important decisions that we have to make about us and our son, whether we're together or whether we're just co-parenting. I think couples therapy will really

help us, you know, make some decisions that ultimately, hopefully are best for our son. And we'll go from there. Yeah. No, I think that's a great way to sum it all up. And just do your best to not get into it with him. You know, you guys have to learn to just say, you know, let's just table this for now. Or you guys have to learn how to take timeouts. And if you're going to get therapy, why don't you just wait to argue until you can do it in front of a therapist? I'm serious. Yeah, I think that's kind of where I'm at.

I just, I don't want to get too deep because it just, it goes sideways. Well, this is a start. If he ever wants to come on, we'll be happy to talk with him. Yeah, maybe I'll see once we, maybe I'll bring it up in therapy because I don't know. I understand. Well, keep us posted. Sorry you're going through this.

It must obviously be stressful, but congratulations on your newborn baby. Obviously, very exciting and a blessing in itself. But the good news is, despite what you're going through, your situation could be worse. And there sounds like there's some hope here, even if it is just his father, your current boyfriend sounds like he's a reasonable person. And it sounds like he also wants what's best for his son. And it sounds like he's open to doing the right thing because there's a lot of

people in situations where that's not the case. So you have something to work with here, whatever you decide to do. It sounds like there's some, some reasons for you to be optimistic. Yeah, I think so too. But yeah,

I mean, I'll, I'll keep you guys updated. I'll see what, I guess what comes out of therapy because it really could go in a few different directions so stay open-minded you don't want you know it's only been five months like right now you have a five-month-old son it's not like if you guys break up tomorrow you're gonna be like on all the apps you know and dating you know right so you have you don't need to make any immediate decisions right now you know what i'm saying so don't wake to make any immediate decisions right now you know what

i'm saying so don't wake up every day and stress yourself out being like i have to decide right now today what i'm going to do with this guy for the rest of my life you don't need to do that right now just focus on your son and try to figure out how to find whatever common ground you guys need to find you know it's you two, you and your boyfriend, you decide what is your future together going to be like, because you will have a future with this guy. You just don't know if it's as a romantic partner or just as a co-parent. And you should take some time to make that decision. So don't stress yourself out feeling like you have to make it today or tomorrow or by next week. Yeah. No, that's, that's, that's true. I do need to

not do that because I do that. Yeah. You're not, it's not doing you any good though. Yeah. And I get, I understand it's frustrating to you. You want to feel in love. You want to feel happy. You want to feel like the person you're spending all this time with is someone that you can build a future with and you don't get to, you don't feel that right now. So I understand your frustration, but like I said, said you know the alternative is worse just stressing yourself out for no reason and again you have a deadline for no reason in your head you know that yeah that's very true there's no point in having a deadline if there's there's no reason to have it yeah no but thank you though because I think it just kind of helped me

be a little bit more open-minded to different directions that it could go and not be so, I guess, feeling like I need to control it. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, keep us posted. Good luck. And we'll go from there. Okay.

Thank you so much. All right. Take care. You too. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. We're recapping Love Is Bye, Golden Bachelor, and Bachelor in Paradise

all tomorrow with the one and only Amy Kaufman. We'll see you then. Bye.