The Viall Files - E65 Ask Nick- He's a Dick with Bekah Martinez

Episode Date: December 2, 2019

Baby Mama Bekah Martinez joins us in the studio again - but this time, she’s giving advice! We talk about her instagram handle change, her new hair extensions, and the struggle of starting your own business. Then, we get into questions. We speak to someone who is deciding between relationship and career, Richelle’s friend who’s in a f*ckboy groundhogs day, a physician who got in trouble for going to dinner with a male friend, and a woman who has lost all faith in men. Never give up on love! Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode! THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: FIGS: https://www.wearfigs.com CODE: VIALL for 15% off scrubs! HONEY: https://www.joinhoney.com/viall BETTERHELP: https://www.betterhelp.com/viall ARTICLE: https://www.article.com/nick See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on all you listeners out there happy monday welcome to another episode of lao files joining us today on a very special episode of Ask Nick. Baby Becca. Do I know your last name? Can we still call her that? Martinez. I did know your last name. Yeah, what's your sign then, Baby Becca? Becca Martinez.

She has a baby. You can't call her Baby Becca anymore. I'm Baby Mama Becca. Do you not like the Baby Becca anymore? I don't give a fuck. That's your Instagram name. No, it's not. No, it's just Becca.

Oh, you just have it. You're on Donna? What? Did you have to buy it from someone else? Hell yeah, I did. How much?'s not. No, it's just Becca. Oh, you just have it. You're on Donna? What? Did you have to buy it from someone else? Hell yeah, I did. How much? 700 bucks. Whoa!

Good. Hey, money well spent. I wanted it so bad. When you said whoa, did you say whoa like that's a lot or whoa like you had a deal? That's a lot. I thought it was a deal. I think you got a steal. Really?

I think she got a steal. I thought it was a deal. Yeah. Also, I felt good. I thought it was a deal. Yeah. Also, I felt good about it because it was like this. It was just like a mom in the Midwest. And she was like, I don't know. Like, I got this handle like the day Instagram started. Did you have to negotiate?

Yeah. Where'd you start? 500. And, you know, she was like, but I know that. She was so sweet. She's like, I know that this will help like you and like your business. i was like okay girl i'm glad i'm paying your bills like how did you get to the how did then how did the deal this is so funny so i messaged her and i go like hey would you be interested in selling your instagram she goes actually she said so my original she reached

out to you so no no i messaged her but my original thought was i'd offer 500 bucks right so then i say would you be interested in selling your instagram? She goes, yeah, it's 500 bucks. And I was like, okay, great. I'll take it. Like, let's go. And she was like, wait. Well, she said back. She's like, that's I get like so many of these messages every day.

So like, that's just what I say to people. And no one's ever said, like, I'm interested. And she's like, I really have to think about this. And that's when she said, like, I got this like Instagram. I don't even know if I want to give it up. And she literally like thought about it a couple days. And I think I bumped it up. And I was like, how about like 700 up and she literally like thought about it a couple days and i think i bumped it up and i was like how about like 700 bucks and she like thought about it she's like okay and then once you did like how did you know like

when did at what point did you paypal her venmo her so no i'm serious like couldn't you just take the money and not do it i don't know i asked her i was like can i paypal you half up front and she was like no like i don't have the full thing yeah she was like you have like the ability to like put me on blast she's like but i don't have that same like that same leverage so it's a black okay and so i but like we talked on the phone and we literally like we're on the phone and i was like okay now i'm she's like i'm gonna switch my handle and then she switched it and then i switched mine really quick and that's how we did it great kind of crazy nice now everyone's gonna be rolling their eyes and be like oh my god becca really spent 700 on my hand And then she switched it. And then I switched mine really quick. And that's how we did it. Great. Kind of crazy. Nice.

Now everyone's going to be rolling their eyes and be like, oh my God, Becca really spent $700 on my hand. For those of you listening and judging Becca right now, don't. I mean, listen, like obviously you use your platform. You've done it to support your podcast and natural habits.

Yes. We thank you for that. And other, of course you make money from it and you're, and you're like, whatever, like that's actually,

it's part of my business. So I wanted like, if you want to spend 700, fine, you can afford it for those of you who's judging right now. Write it off

as a business expense. Nope. I mean, definitely. That's 100% tax deductible. And yeah, I like, I mean,

I think it was a great mutual exchange like i'm glad i got to like support her family and we got to do a great mutually beneficial trade that's i don't know so um me too oh great anyway i love your new hair becca thank you i'm officially like i feel like a real bachelor girl now that i have extensions do you are you say that and i like that you said that because it's almost you say that with a slight bit of snark of course which is great how else would i say it no so are you somewhat judging yourself because it is it's slightly off brand um no i'm not judging myself i mean i'm a multi-faceted yeah i'm a multi-faceted person and like i love to be glamorous and i also

i have my acrylic nails and i also love to rock climb and I love to have hair extensions and I also love to like wear no makeup and not wash my hair for weeks. It's safe to say that sometimes you surprise even yourself. That's the best part about being me. And we're still doing the no hair or no shave. I will continue to do that. Is that for everything? It's for a long time like and i want to continue to encourage people to like figure out why they're disgusted by that and it's an

exercise in me for me to like love myself is it something so you you and i also want to normalize it for my daughter so like i've talked about i really grew up with like a lot of shame like when it came to body hair and like if my daughter daughter wants to shave, if she wants to wax, if she wants to do whatever the fuck, if she wants to break her hair, I don't, of course, it's kind of whatever she wants to do.

I support all women's choices. I just want her to feel like, I want her to see me as an example too. And be like, you know, obviously she'll look up to me and be like, I don't have to feel ashamed about the way that I look naturally. So yeah,

I hope to be transparent about that kind of thing with her. That's fun. Well, we appreciate you joining. Of course. We're doing this new thing. We're bringing the occasional former guest back on. Yeah, thank you for having me.

Help us ask some questions. Of course. Answer some questions. How are you and Grayson doing? Grace Stunn. Sorry, excuse me. It's okay. A lot of people get it wrong.

It's a weird name. I didn't even know his name. Not at all. Rude. Good. that wrong it's a it's a weird i didn't even know his name at all so um good it's a really stressful time for him because well he just opened his business which is long beach rising a rock climbing gym in long beach oh my god i mean at long beach rising on instagram and go visit it in long beach what's the why is it better than all the other ones um there's not really any other climbing gym in long beach there you go there's one other really small one that's been around from since the 90s and it sucks but his climbing gym has like saunas two yoga studios like beautiful exposed

brick like state-of-the-art bouldering facility full gym set up if you're not into climbing and it's more affordable than like a yoga membership at most places. Awesome. Go check it out. I'll support his business if you're in the area or if you travel to LA. But the only thing I know about him, he's a very handsome guy. Yeah, I think he is. He's stressed though. Yeah, I mean, it's really stressful. A bunch of stress though, right?

Kind of, but kind of not. I mean, he's in his first two months. So it's like you're trying to make your like number projections. He has investors. Like that's how he's making this thing run is he has like a lot like multiple major investors yeah because he's then you know sort of has these people's money that he's doing like when i started natural habits i didn't which was also you didn't have investors no i funded it myself which was stressful on that but i did not have to then answer to because here's the thing

if it bombs then it bombs and you go on about your life and you like try to pick up the pieces but if it bombs for like other people's like investments that shit sucks. Either way. And it can damage relationships. We're happy to support. Enough about him. Back to me. I have my podcast

Chatty Broads which you can go listen to. Just had to plug that real quick. And that's about it for now. I hear it's a big hit. Yeah I think think so i think it's a pretty big um awesome well should we get into some questions with some fans yeah some good ones today yeah my friend calls it friend of rochelle boy who we had to give her well i had to give her some tough love becca plays a little good cop today yeah know. These advice questions stress me out because some of them are like so relatable in like a very personal way where you're just like, oh, I've been there. And how can I even give advice about this when I'd not take it myself?

You know? Well, hey, that's how we do it. You live and you learn. So I'm a wish Gabby was great. I really, I know. I'm worried she's going to get sad now. I think no. That's good. She needs I'm worried She's gonna get sad now I think no That's good

She needs to get sad So she can come out On the other side Okay You go see her You give her a hug Yeah And you say

Everything that we talked about Is true And you're gonna be fine Do not tell her Do not go and tell her Do not fill her with false hope That he misses her No

Oh god Alright People need to listen To the call first. Yes. Okay. But listen, sometimes we try. I'm a big believer in your real friends sometimes in life.

I love hard truths. Tell you hard truths. And it's important to have those real friends. I think we need to do more of that. There's some friends like, you know, you come out of a two-year relationship and they're like, oh, man, that guy, like I knew that blah, blah, blah the whole time. And I friends like, you know, you come out of a two year relationship and they're like, oh man, that guy, like I knew that blah, blah,

blah the whole time. And I'm like, why didn't you fucking say something? Sometimes to be a real friend, you have to be okay with your best friend being really mad at you and your best friend

temporarily cutting you up because they don't like what you have to hear. Sometimes it's good. Anyways, let's just get to it, shall we? Yeah.

What's your time with me? let's just get to it shall we yeah how's it going good how are you good we have myself our friend becca and rochelle is also with us. How can we help? My name is Brooke, and I'm 23. So I just wanted some advice on a long-distance relationship that I'm currently dealing with. So I've been in a relationship for four years, and this past spring, things started to change for us. I graduated college, and I got an, and then a job right away. And so I was super excited about like what I was doing. Um, and my boyfriend, he graduated two years before me. And so he kind of was like stuck in a job that he wasn't super excited about. So, um, I think he kind of saw that I was following my passion and he wanted the same thing for himself, which I also wanted for him.

So he decided that he wanted to get involved into the wine industry. And where I live, that's not really a thing. Like we don't have many vineyards around here. So he wanted to look into jobs on the West Coast, which we live on the East Coast. the west coast um which we live on the east coast and um so he applied for an internship um in oregon and it was supposed to be for three months and he ended up getting it and so i was super supportive about it i was excited for him um so he took the internship and then he decided that he wanted to sign a year lease um out in oregon for a year with his brother and um i was still very supportive. I was

like, you know, figure out what you want to do. And then the day that he moved out there, he texted me and was like, I think this is where I want to be forever. Like, I don't think that I want to come back. And I think this is what I want to do. So I kind of just like took that with a grain of salt and was like, you literally just got out there. Like, let's just see what happens. But the longer things went on, he was really wanting me to move out there. He was very excited about it and was like, you need to move out here. Like, you'd love it.

Meanwhile, I just got a job in doing exactly what I wanted to do right outside of college. I was very excited about it. And so I just feel like I don't really know where to go from here. I guess my question is, at what point do you take that leap of faith and decide to follow your relationship versus, you know, continuing on your own path? And I feel like right now our pals aren't really going towards each other. So I don't really know where to go from here. Yeah. Um,

that's a great question. How long have you guys been dating again? Did you say? Four years. And then how long has he been living out there? Um, he's been living out there since June. Have you guys,

is this your first serious relationship? Um, yeah, I mean, I had one other in high school that was like two years long but this is like i consider this my first time your first adult relationship of yeah dealing with like real you know life life shit um it's a tough one i mean what how do your what are your thoughts have you spent a lot of time thinking about what you really like about the relationship in him. And, you know, we've talked

about this before, but I think to help you make your decision, it's really, you really got to think about the now and the present. And so much about evaluating your relationship right now, I find that people in your shoes use so much about the past as a way to measure their relationship. And I'm not saying the past isn't meaningful, but in terms of like, how is the relationship going now? You know, the things you like about him, how you guys make each other feel, how you communicate. The fact that you've been together for four years and he's your first love is all nice.

And I'm not saying it's meaningless, but that's not what is going to make your relationship successful going forward. So have you thought about that? Yeah, I have. And I think, I guess, like the past year, like before this started happening, things were the greatest between us. Like, I mean, we've had a lot of ups and downs in our four years, but leading up to him leaving was the best that we had ever been, I think.

And as soon as he left that, like very quickly, at least for me started to dissipate. I don't think he feels the same way. But he did come out here once so far for a wedding. And he was literally only here for 24 hours. So I picked him up at the airport at 4am, dropped him off the next day at 4 a.m and so we were together for one day um for a wedding uh his cousin's wedding and so I mean the day was already kind of stressful in itself but I just didn't feel the same that I did before he left and I think that's because of the distance maybe yeah what do you think I don't know i think it's hard because i guess you have to weigh what's stronger your potential or your history and if your history is what's stronger then you don't

really have anywhere to go and also i would just like evaluate how because you've been on your own now there without him for what five months now that would be five months i think and i guess i would just evaluate like how are you doing if you're like doing your own thing starting to branch out living your life and like when he came and visited for that 24 hours you were kind of like feeling apathetic about the situation i think that's i think that's a lot of clarity that you may already have that you might not want to acknowledge. But I can't say how you're feeling. I have a question for you. When you think about the possibility of breaking up, and I'm assuming you've thought about it.

You've at least considered it. You're on the phone with us. When you think about it, what makes you more sad? Not having him right there or saying goodbye to what you had? having him right there or saying goodbye to what you had? I think it's definitely saying goodbye to what we had because I think like a big part for me is his family. I've gotten so close to his family. Like his brothers became my best friend and their girlfriends.

And he's so close to my sister. So, I mean, that's definitely. And he's so close to my sister. So, I mean, that's definitely. And, I mean, just the thought of, like, us not being in each other's lives the way that we are. I mean, obviously, we don't see each other every day, but we talk every single day. And, like, he's the person I go to about everything. So, I think just, like, not having that.

Have you broached the subject with him about the possibility of you guys breaking up has it has it been discussed or has this all been things that you've thought about on your own um it has so actually a week ago i kind of brought that up and said that i wanted to take a break for a little while just because i kind of was like ever since that wedding when he came back which is like four weeks ago now i've been just like what is going on so and um so I brought that up to him and I kind of asked to take a break from him and he is at first he kind of took it well and it was kind of weird um but then it automatically just like did not go well. And we literally still talk every day. So I just don't know. I mean, because he's going to be responding like right now.

No one's doing anything wrong in a sense, right? He's being a little selfish right now. He might need to be this for himself. I mean, he sees you're following your passion and he's probably proud of you and in a way envious of you. And good for him for finding something that he's excited about because he probably is getting some sort of fulfillment out of this. And sometimes life can throw you obstacles, but right now he is focusing on him and that's fine and that's okay. And maybe that's what he needs to do at this point. But life is about prioritizing and it is about choices and

relationships. And so he might not be able to have his cake and eat it too so it's not surprising to me to hear you say you decided to take a break a little bit he seemed to react initially at first okay and then he probably let it sit for a couple days and started like thinking about it and panicking because like you he doesn't know much else in terms of relationship wise. It's you guys have, there's a lot of fear of the unknown that goes into it, which you might both be like trying to make something work because you're just afraid of being alone for a little bit.

Yeah, there only seems like there's so many options though. There's either you break up, you stay together in a long distance relationship, which let's be honest, that sucks super hard. It's not very sustainable in my opinion in my opinion or you give up the job that you love and move out there to be with him and you're kind of then living his life and maybe you adapt and like you find your own life within it or you hate it and you feel resentful and you're like why the fuck did i do this and those kind of seem like

the only option yeah i mean listen if if you want in terms of like what you should do i mean again kind of to becca's point you know we can't sit there and tell you exactly what you should do but it sounds like from what we're hearing is that i feel like your gut tells you maybe the right thing to do for you right now is to take that break and it's going to take that break. And it's going to be scary for you. And it's going to be scary for him. And you're both going to miss each other. But it might be the healthiest and best thing for both of you right now. And like that whole kind of cliche, if you love something, let it go. Right now, you both have to acknowledge that your biggest priority isn't necessarily each other. It's your careers that's okay right and you're together right now based off of a lot of history um yeah but you know and it'd be one thing if you guys were

living in the same city to acknowledge hey we love each other but we're kind of focused on relationships you're putting so much your personal life on hold right now and he made this choice and not that he deserves to be punished but yeah kind of to beckon's point it's not really sustainable like you can make a long distance relationship work for a while, but right now there's no end game. You know, you have this dream job in this career and you have no real plans to move to California. And right now it sounds like coming from you, if you were to do that, you were going to have to give something up that you value, right? He's set there. That could change in a year or two, but right now it might make more sense just to, you know, it feels like your gut is okay at least curious about what else is out there maybe you

want to date someone else maybe you want to see you know someone maybe you just want someone who's present in there and that's part of a relationship you know yeah you could also just set a boundary maybe just try like i know this is gonna be hard but we're not gonna talk to each other just for five days on this break yeah and like set like set like a little, like a little boundary. I don't know. I don't know if that works. No? Like for a break, just to see what it's like.

Because you get clarity in that time apart, I think. Yeah. Sure. But I think like five days. Well, this is what I'm saying. She said that they tried taking a break, but they started talking again all the time. So like setting the time. I just think that's always, keep in mind, this is someone you've dated for four years.

It's that first big relationship. I mean, and again, I say this from personal experience. I dated my first girlfriend on and off for seven years. It's just so hard to say goodbye to that first love. And maybe you don't want to say goodbye. But if you do, it's so hard to let go. And so I think to do that, you always find a way to go back. Yeah, I know yeah and so what

you could be doing is just delaying the inevitable and also just making it hard on both of you you might just need a true clean break and that might just be time apart but you really need to take some time off and he needs to get through that you both need to get through that period of okay now i'm alone and now i'm a little i'm scared i'm gonna panic that kind of week of like what am i gonna do yeah and you got to get through that and then you both have to get out there and meet other people and see if this is something that you're either of you are interested in oh it's so hard it's hard it's not going to be easy but i i think it sounds you're feeling very unfulfilled right now and it it sounds like you're feeling like you're in the relationship because you've been in this relationship not because you you're getting what you need out of this

relationship right now you know yeah and and what's and if you said hey in six months he's coming back fine like you know stomach through this hard time but right now i mean we're we're what's the end game we don't know yeah that's my question always to him is just like like where is this going like if if we were like, where is this going? Like if, if we were like, okay, we're only going to be in a long distance relationship for a year and then

whatever, but we don't know where it's going. And he's always just like, we'll figure it out. And I just like, I'm more of like a realist and like, okay, but what does that mean?

Like, what does that look like for us? We'll figure it out to him means eventually I'm going to convince you to move out here. Yeah. I mean mean that's what it seems a follow-up question i guess then is um so i haven't been out there yet but i had plans to go out there for a week during thanksgiving and um so i don't know if we continue this break like how do i do I approach that situation? Like, should I go? No. No. Again, if you're going to take a break, you're going to have to take a break. And my advice there, and that's the one thing I am certain of, that if you do think a break is best for you,

you can't half-ass it. You really got to go for it. I do think that you will only make it harder on both of you. You'll make it more confusing for the both of you if you kind of take a break and then kind of date because what you don't want to do like listen that's the thing is like what does that mean if you kind of take a break then wait are we are we able to see other people or not and then you kiss another guy or something that's going to feel like you cheated like you you don't want to have blurred lines here you want to have it be very black and white because maybe there is a future for you to sit someday down the road and you want to avoid those kind of messy conversations and wait well we were dating or were you not you

don't you want to avoid confusion and so this is someone you love you care about you've been with for four years he's your first love like you got to respect that in the sense that he deserves clarity and you both do and like kind of taking a break and visiting him but like then going on a dating app and seeing without what's out there is just very messy and and it's not fair to him either and it's not fair to you so you need to be very definitive and it's going to be hard and he's going to call you and says he misses you but you really need to you know uh power you got to have to you know stomach through the tough part and it's hard i've been there and it's like it's so easy to pick up the phone and call and miss someone yeah

i guess like the point part of the point um obviously to see him but like to for me to see if i like it out there which i don't even know if i could get engaged you know yeah but i was on the other end where I was like, maybe you should go. But I'm also like a masochist where I'm like, I am so bad about doing that dance back and forth. So... No. Yeah, I mean, again...

No, Becca. Because also it might be super clarifying. Like, I don't know. You might go out there and you might be like, this is so dead. Like, our relationship is so over and that might be like really clarifying.

I don't know. I think, yeah, I agree with her. clarifying. I don't know. I think, yeah, I agree with her. I think you guys are probably, I think you already know. I think deep down you want to at least see what else is out there, but it's so hard.

And rightfully so, because you have so much history. I think going out there will only give you more confusion. You might get all these feelings, but you also don't know. And again, I think it's not fair to either of you. I mean, someone listening could be like, well,

you should go and like break up with them in person. You've been dating for so long, but I mean, that's, that just makes sense. There's two arguments there, but like you've been all the way here. Just dump me. Yeah. I've seen that happen quite a few times. Yeah.

What are you going to do it at the beginning of the trip or then at like the very end of the trip? Like, okay. I was like actually thinking about that i was like oh god like see you're already thinking about yeah sorry about breaking up okay okay but here's my encouragement here's my encouragement some people might not like this but i think that it never has to be like don't don't get it in your head that this is if you guys break up it's forever not talking to each other like you might not talk for a year or two

and then like if you want to still be in touch in the future, like later on after both of you is healed, like there's no reason why in the future you can't still have like a friendship. And like me and my first ex, like it took two years of not talking, but now every now and then we check in, like let each other know how each other's lives are doing.

And so. But the important note there was two years. Two years. You know, I'm just saying like, don't, don't like worry about like losing him in your life forever and and maybe maybe in six months there you guys will think

there'll be some change maybe really he will um i i want you in my life i need you uh you are my priority and you might feel that way maybe you will feel like the priority is him in the relationship and not the careers. But right now you guys are focusing your careers and that's okay. And you're hanging on to a relationship right now. It sounds like more based on the fact that he's your first love and you, he's your best friend and he's the person you go to. And those are valuable things,

but that's not what, that's not why you should marry him. And that's not why you should have a family together. And that's not why you should move to and that's not why you should have a family together and that's not why you should move to San Francisco because you are young and you will find if you do break up with him, you will connect with other people and you'll make more best friends

and there will be another guy out there. All the things that you now value in this relationship, you can find with someone else if that's what you want. And you might just need time for you. Four years with someone else is a long time. You might have fun just doing your own thing. I mean, stop.

But follow your gut. It sounds like you have something in your gut telling you something, and you should follow it and know that it will be hard, and it's going to be scary, and don't give in to your fears. That's real. Okay. All right. Oh, look at that fears. That's real. Okay.

All right. Oh, look at that sigh. You got this. She knows. You got this. And be kind to him. And the kindest thing you can do is to be honest and not be afraid to hurt his feelings in the short term. That's real.

Don't tell him something that's going to soften the blow just to make him feel better in the short term. That's real. Don't tell him something that's going to soften the blow just to like make him feel better in the moment. It will only hurt him. Just right now. It's just I'm having a hard time. Yeah. Don't. Yeah.

You're better off asking for forgiveness later on. Cut it clean. All right. All right. Best of luck. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy holidays. Actually might this might air after thanksgiving all right take care thank you good luck thank you that shit sucks what back uh

no this is uh that's a real it's yeah i mean listen it's it's tough it's young love i hold on to memories with people. You know, I have a hard time even with friends, you know, like friends that have screwed me over. I'm like, oh, but like, look at these photos of us together. Like, oh, how are you doing? I'm so bad about that. That's fine, though.

Right. You can reconnect. But sometimes you got to you really have to like let things go to reevaluate. Or someone gets hurt, yourself or the other person. How you feel about it, you know? Because you can be in toxic friendships or relationships. And it doesn't sound like this is toxic. No.

It just might be not what you want. And it might be, it sounds like this relationship, as wonderful it is, is both limiting both these individuals to follow their individual dreams. And their individual dreams are important to them right now. It also sounds like both of them are kind of over it. So it it's like i'm sure it'll go smoothly eventually if they cut it clean yeah well here's what's gonna happen she's a little over it now she's gonna initiate the breakup he's probably actually fine with it yeah right like he said he's gonna really panic yeah he's going to freak out especially when he really realizes she's gonna she's gone and if he ends up listening to this he's gonna like consider quitting he's gonna like try to bend over backwards and if you're

still listening dear caller don't let him make sure he follows his dreams because he's going to panic he's going to freak out he's because that's good advice it's it's it's so scary to say goodbye to that relationship it's he literally you don't know anything else you don't that's your first love it's like your person you're there it is so meaningful that one person you connect with so it's so hard too because like everything's gonna remind you of that oh my god yes it's gonna you're gonna see a brand of toothbrush and you're gonna be like oh my god oh the i mean i mean i could tell you a story. Like that first girlfriend, I saw a silver Ford Focus. It's devastating.

Every day. And I was obsessed. The car is such a real thing. I remember that. And her birthday was, I won't, her birthday was in April. I would see her birth, like the Ford something, something was like, I saw that everywhere. The point is, I just obsessed over it so much that I looked for it, you know? But like you just, I just was was everything everything reminded me of her and that's what he's gonna

go through and that's what she might go through it's a grief you gotta get through that part yeah yeah and sometimes it takes a long time yeah when it comes to that first love we we will bustle through like a good year of a relationship we don't want to be in because like we're so afraid to let go of that all right our next caller is actually one of my friends and well i just kind of wrangled her in last night because she was um complaining to me and i'm like so sick of hearing it because it's one of those like patterns oh yeah we all have one of those friends. Well, be kind. Be kind. She's a very sensitive, lovely, hilarious person. I'm going to wreck her. I'm very excited about this.

How's it going? Hey, hi. Hi. Friend of show. What's your name? I'm Gabby Lamb. Hi, Gabby. How old are you?

I'm 28. What a great age. Gabby, how can we help yes your friend Rochelle suggests that maybe you're wearing out

your friends and so we're here to help listen I I have been there you wear out your friends I've worn out friends speaking of breakups

and talking about them for a year like oh my god yeah I've worn out plenty a friend before

so we all do it no judgment gabby how can we help thank you um okay so just get right into it right yeah whatever um okay so i am two weeks into a no contact with a guy that i just i've been dating for a year okay and it is so fucking hard i've never done like no contact before and what happened was you want to hear like what like I've been dating for a year. Okay. And it is so fucking hard. I've never done no contact before. And what happened was... Do you want to hear how the whole relationship started? Sure. Try to be succinct and give us the cliff notes.

More like why... Also, quick question on the no talking. I'm not going to tell you. Quick question on the no talking. Is this a mutual no talking or is someone ghosting here? No, it's kind of a mutual. It's like i i'm the one who had to establish the like okay well we can't be in contact and he was like well i mean you can call me anytime and i was like no i can't because i wait you guys are like broken up are you so wait

let me try to guess here are you yeah are you dating a fuck boy who you really want to date but for a year you pretended you were okay with just having sex yeah okay all right so okay so this is okay so the cliff notes this is what happened i got i got no inside scoop by the way so yeah so we met a year ago he was like fresh out of um like a little over a year long relationship and when we met he was like he was very like he's like charismatic and charming blah blah blah bonnie was like how old is he you know i don't want to i don't want to get into anything serious and i was like yeah okay fine but then like we started sleeping together like two weeks after he said that and then like it kept we kept seeing each other and he's like it wasn't like a once a week thing he started you know

texting me every day and was like what are you up to and then like over the course of a few months it became like we were together and so I brought it up like two months into the relationship I was like this feels like a relationship what's going on and he's like I told you I don't want to submit and I was like okay then we can't keep seeing each other because I have feelings for you now and he was like okay and we like stopped and then keep seeing each other because I have feelings for you now. And he was like, okay. And we stopped. And then three days later, two or three days later, he came back and he was like, what's going on? And I was like, you said you don't want to be in a relationship. And then we started doing it again.

How old is he? And he's 36. Okay. And he's a comedian. Oh, no. Oh, no. I feel like I've dated this exact guy before. I mean, the fact that he's a comedian, I mean, he lives in, yeah.

But also, she dated the same guy, different guy, but the same guy the year before. Wait, I want to fucking, I wonder if I know who this comedian is. There's probably some girl out there who feels the same way about me. We eventually, you know, now it's a year into this. And just like a little over around a month ago, we had another conversation. I mean, we were seeing each other like, you know, four four to five days a week i'm going out with all of his friends he took me to a wedding we went camping with him okay so he took you to he did boyfriend things with you absolutely okay you know i'd stay at his house almost every night no one

no one thinks that about me yeah okay that's that's why you don't blur those lines i mean uh no yeah i mean it's it's okay so yes he did i'll explain but he so you know so here's my guess like right like you've started dating this guy he was probably pretty quickly told you don't want to be in a relationship and there's been this literally groundhog's day cycle of this thing where it's you get in this like routine of pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend and playing house and then he panics and pushes you away and then you say well then we can't talk and then like after three or five days or maybe even a week and a half he'll reach out out of boredom and you're like fine come over it's late we'll have sex and this literally

constantly is having his cake happens over and over and over and over and over. And she just saw a text on her, on his computer pop up from a girl. He has 100% been having sex with other people this past year. Make no mistake. He's, he said that he hasn't been. He's lied. He also said that he didn't want a relationship yet. He's doing,

it's very possible. He also said he didn't want a relationship but he's doing boyfriend girlfriend shit with you oh i don't like this he listen i i say this from i'm gonna like i'm not i don't i'm not saying him this guy but they're i'm just saying like i don't i don't play house i that i don't do but he's sleeping with other people and if he didn't want to sleep with other people trust me you would be boyfriend and girlfriend i mean you don't know if he's sleeping with other people sure you're right i'm i'm not a psychic and i don't know him so that's entirely possible i can't i wouldn't bet my life on it i think that's irrelevant i think that's irrelevant

i think what's i think she needs to hear that yeah i think she needs to hear it too becca i think what's relevant though is that you're not valuing yourself in this relationship well there is that. We have this t-shirt coming out called, said, I don't respect myself. Well, I'm sure you do overall. This might be a good shirt that when we come out with, this is like a friendly reminder

that when you want to text him back to put the t-shirt on and look in the mirror, because to Becca's point, I don't think when you get bored and lonely and when you do reach out, like, you know your worth. Like, you know you deserve more. You know his bullshit. And you don't need us to tell you that. Like, you know, right?

You don't need Rochelle or all your other friends to tell you what you deserve and the type of relationship you want. You know this, right? But there's reasons why we give in to these weaknesses all the time. Because you probably do really like them. I don't doubt that. Right. But more importantly, you've probably lost sight of what you like about him. And now you're just chasing him.

And the thing you like most about him right now, deep down, is probably the chase. And you've probably totally forgotten what it is you like about him. That's so far in the past because your only focus right now is how do i get him to date me but you haven't even thought about what i like about him how he makes you feel because probably he makes you feel like shit most of the time you spent most of your time complaining about him to your friends well it's also created this validation cycle prop most likely where you feel like shit and then he hits you up and you guys hang out and then you feel validated and you feel good about yourself and then he and then you feel like shit again

and then things go good and then you feel good and it's like this emotional roller coaster you're putting on yourself up and down which is like fun at first and the drama is kind of fun and then after a while it's just sucking the life and the energy out of it like so little he's sucking energy from your life and sucking mental space and like heart space from you. I totally agree. But in so little of that, to my point is not what you were not like what you should be like considering when you think about any guy saying, what do I want in a relationship? What kind of what's my day to day? How do I want to what kind of guy to want to be? How do I want him to make me feel how he's making you feel like toxic and confused and unsettled and all these things uh

and you are completely stopped paying attention to that and just focused on your the immediate gratification of validating your ego to like prove your own worth to yourself because for some reason you've decided that will make you feel special if you just get him to date you why don't you just block him just fucking block him off everything you did i blocked okay i blocked him the other day yeah and um but that was just like that's hard but have you blocked them on all platforms no just instagram okay so you've left windows i think you should i i also kind of believe in if you need to just getting off certain social if you can or blocking friends of them too because that's always been so hard for me you know you follow that one friend and you know when you're clicking on that one friend's story that you might see them in the background and then you see that and then you're like set into this head spiral again you know the hard part is also like we have

a lot of the same friends for both comedians so it's like our friend group is very intertwined and the other day like i was invited to a birthday on facebook and then like immediately after i confirmed to going he confirmed to going i was just like this fucking bitch yeah it's just a game here's what you need to stop stop doing right you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt because you are constantly um with everything he's like you'll get mad and i'm sure you complain and bitch about him but the end of the day you are always giving him the benefit of the doubt you're always going to believe him you're always going to see the good in him and i'm not saying he's a bad guy but deep down you're giving you're giving him the benefit out in every at the end of the day you are right also he's setting the terms of the relationship you're

giving him control and right for you right now you're giving him the benefit out because again kind of back to my original point you've you've done this for so long that now there's this kind of weird subconscious of if you like when you get to the place you need to be in terms of recognizing what you need out of a relationship then you have to admit to yourself that you haven't been kind of good to yourself and valuing yourself like admitting that he's kind of not treating you he's being shitty to you right he's not a shitty guy but he has he is being selfish and selfish and shitty to you, right? He's not a shitty guy, but he is being selfish and shitty to you and not respecting what you want and what you need. He's playing games.

And we all have done that. And you have allowed him to do that. It's on you at this point. And you need to like face that reality that you've kind of spent this time, but the time you've wasted doing it, it will only continue until you finally stop it. You kind of have to get through that.

It's like a chicken before the egg thing. thing yeah and how would you feel if someone you love was going through this you know how would you feel someone you love was being treated this way by someone was being like tugged around and like try to put yourself in the position of like someone you love you know and like if you love yourself then give yourself the advice you would give a friend who's going through the same thing whatever shell if Rochelle was doing this? Well, I've done it. And what have you said to her? I mean, you know? Yeah, I mean, listen,

obviously it's harder when it's on us, but really stop giving the benefit of the doubt. Like, even if he's, I mean, who cares if he's sleeping with someone or not? Assume he has. Like, the question is- It's hard for her to, to think about that though. I get that.

You care about him. I understand that. But like at the end of the day, there are reasons he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. Yeah. What are those reasons? Who cares? And it doesn't have to do with her though.

She might have to come to the reality of real life. You know what I'm saying? It's not just like, well, I just don't want to be in a relationship. doesn't and i you're lovely he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you someone he will meet someday and he will be in a relationship he's not scared he just doesn't want to be in a relationship and again that might just be a product of the situation you guys have put yourselves in right where he doesn't need to terms yeah exactly he's setting the terms so i i

wouldn't like don't take that like you're not good enough for him it's more like you've given him on you no it's like yeah i mean the reason you're attracted to this guy is because he's like playing all these games like that is attractive and when someone surrenders their heart and lets you just like you know flip-flop and walk all over you like there's a drone i know i kept noticing that i was like what it was over there tmz's doing drones now great um you know what what's really hard though is uh is him using that scapegoat the entire time or just you know because when we were ending he was like i you know i've been honest with you i told you from the beginning i didn't want a relationship and i was like but you sent me emotional mis-messages and you know i leave and then you come back it's a it's a dick move on his part he's playing that game don't go don't

play house don't go to the weddings he will keep coming back as long as you keep giving him back that control so you need to stay strong for a it may be a long fucking time because he may be trying to weasel his way back in one or two things are going to happen that he will just be around as long as you allow him or he'll meet someone else he wants to date yeah i i have a feeling that he's going to move on rather quickly because he is a serial monogamous and he like has this whole but he also has this whole like that's the thing he's been in a relationship because he is a serial monogamous and he like has this whole but he also has this whole like that's the thing he's been in a relationship did you hear what you just said

he's a serial monogamous but he doesn't want to commit to you I'm sorry I wouldn't be with him even if he did want to commit at this point what Gabby what are you saying Gabby um his whole thing when we were ending was like

I've never really been single and I need to like I need to be alone and I need to like figure out my own shit and I'm like yeah it is it is bullshit right and like he's 36 you know what I'm saying like he's not 22 who just got out of his first relationship he's probably had multiple

girlfriends he's a comedian he's had sex with plenty of women like he's you know there's nothing else to figure out he's living in he's just going to like he's going to meet a bunch of great women that he wants to hang out with and sleep with and at this point you've you've been his like backup proxy girlfriend who like if he doesn't have someone else he can take to a wedding and you've allowed him to do that you know like you just you've lost a little bit of yourself you've lost a little bit of confidence you can you can get it back but do it by like we've talked a lot on the show like take your power back like take your power you

have control here stop fucking giving it to them and reconnect with who you are and what's making you happy like apart from other people like what what do you like to do you know that's what i'm trying that's what i'm trying to do and it's like you know and i keep holding on to the hope of like oh is he gonna reach out though like am i ever gonna hear from him again that's honest for you to say honest for you to say but that's what you really gotta stop doing like the little things you can do is like like wondering if he's gonna call again like this mutual friends like we have a lot of same group friends. You like that right now.

For you, that's a security blanket. You complain about it, but deep down you like it. Because when you're like, don't call me. I don't want to see you. You're grateful you have mutual friends right now. Because thank God he's around. Like you've got to let that go. You truly have to believe and say to yourself, he's not right for me. I don't want to date him.

He's not going to do this. Even if he decided he wanted to date me now, like this is not someone who's respected me the past year. And I want to be with someone who respects me. You literally probably have to say that out loud to yourself and repeat it. Like words of affirmation. Literally, you're going to have to, because you just don't believe it right now. And you have to believe it. You need to stop complaining to your friends about it. Your friends, if I were to talk, if I were to get in a circle of all your friends. No, we don't care. But right now, your friends, God bless them, are just like, they're just crutches. It was like, I tell this story all the time.

My first girlfriend had a heartbreak up. I had my mom and I had my dad. My mom, I'd call every morning for like a month on my way to work. And we'd just talk about my heartbreak. And she was always there. And she loved it. And she heard it from her son. And my dad was finally like, bro, you got to fucking stop.

And at the time, I was just like, dad, why are you being like that? So insensitive. So insensitive. But my god, I wish my dad spoke louder. And I wish my mom, God bless her, wasn't so understanding because it became a crutch and your friends want to be there for you and they want to support you. But it's time for tough love. It's time for your friends to saying, you need to stop. We're not talking about it anymore because you need to start telling yourself, you got to fake it till you make

it. You got to go out there. And you, and I, I remember this because I remember how like I got, right. And I lost friends, you know, like there was a period of times where my friends were just like, dude, Nick sucks to be around. You know, like it was just, it's all I wanted to talk about. And then like fast forward a couple of years later, when I was going through a breakup, I just remember telling myself, I'm not going to fucking do this. And I felt shitty inside. I got cheated on. I felt, and I just like, there was like three weeks.

I just didn't go out because I knew to myself, I don't know how to go out and have fun. What I'm not going to do is go out and be a Debbie Downer. And I'm not going to go out and wear out my friends. And so, and then when I knew I was like at a point where I wasn't over it, but I was okay to go out, I went out when people would ask me how I was going as much as it pained me inside i was like i'm great it's cool like i would never bring it up and eventually you just and eventually just kind of goes but like i just kept telling myself this isn't what i want like this is a i just like i i know it hurts and i want her to call me but like no i don't i shouldn't want her to call me and i just kept repeating that and eventually you

you realize it i also think just you got to cut yourself off from channels where you might be like reading into like different messages like you know how you said he confirmed he was going to the party right after you did like i know for me i would be like wait did he see that i confirmed i was going to the party and then that's why he confirmed and like you know so like block him on facebook get you got to cut those channels for your own health and also like reconnect with yourself so like block him on Facebook. You got to cut those channels for your own health. And also like reconnect with yourself. So like, do you like to dance? Go take a dance class.

Maybe you can't afford to go on like some trip to Costa Rica, but like take a little mountain camping trip with your friends, you know? Like reconnect with what like makes you feel happy inside that has nothing to do with this dude. Yeah, that's a great point. You're playing games with yourself and like yeah over like yeah over analyzing everything i know and i feel i feel like i fucking i'm like i played myself because in the end too he was like you know you deserve to be with somebody who can

give you what you want what a condescending saint i mean you do but not that shouldn't come from him yeah and so jump off a bridge you need to forgive yourself for wasting all this time on him. Forgive yourself. Oh, that hurts, though, you know? And he was like, this has nothing to do with you. Like, I care about you. You're going to take this personally. It has nothing to do with you.

I'm just not in a place in my life. Like, I have walls up. I need to go to therapy. That's probably all true, but you need to fucking believe him, right? He's kind of, he's laying the breadcrumbs for you to just leave his ass but you don't want to fucking listen and he does you know like it's classic guys guys will all the time be like i don't really want to break up with her so i'll just be just enough of a dick to get dumped and he's trying to he's just laying the breadcrumbs you know yeah and he can't help himself and he was like i want to keep seeing you but i know this isn't healthy for you anymore

so like what are we just gonna keep doing this and you keep getting more fucked up and i was like, I want to keep seeing you, but I know this isn't healthy for you anymore. So like, what are we just going to keep doing this? And you keep getting more fucked up. And I was like, when he's calling you after three or four days and this is going to hurt. And I'm sorry, he's bored. That's it. He's just bored. You are the thing he reaches out to and the person he talks to when he doesn't have anything else to preoccupy his time. Well, I spent two weeks and i've heard nothing from him well he's that's because he's having fun no she doesn't want to hear it she needs to hear it she needs to hear it how do you know if you

blocked him because what how do you know if you could have texted her oh block him on your phone on your phone that's actually that's step number one girl yes you're waiting him for to reach out and i'm being harsh and i know and i apologize but like you just need to get through this you're finding all these ways to not let him go you know you're just making all these excuses and you're giving him the benefit of the doubt and you're pretending to block him on instagram, but not blocking it on your phone or, you know, Snapchat or whatever, Twitter, you really, you know, you're talking about with your friends, you're trying to figure out something that you truly already know the answer to. You just need to forgive yourself for wasting time

and falling for a guy that you, you know, your ego didn't feel like you're, you're not being validated. Your ego is taking over and your ego wants to like to have, this is not a reflection of you. You know, it really isn't to do with you. And like, listen, you've, you got plenty of guys have liked you that you didn't like back,

you know, plenty of guys, you know, that's trust me. You're not like, you probably made it even pay attention to them, but they have, she's a hot commodity.

So like you just, you know, and, and that sucks for them. You know, right now you're feeling sorry for yourself. Why can't I get the person I want? He doesn't want to be with you, you know, and that sucks for them. You know, right now you're feeling sorry for yourself. Why can't I get the person I want? He doesn't want to be with you, you know, and you just have to move on.

No more comedians. He was never going to be, you know, I would bring it up and I'd be like, you're never going to want to be with me. He's like, well, you don't know. Stop making up these like scenarios. It's hard for him to say the honest truth because he should just be like, you're right. I won't. And I'm telling you for him to say the honest truth because he should just be like, you're right. I won't.

And I'm telling you for him, yes, something crazy could happen, but I also could win the lottery today. But no, he doesn't want to be with you. And you're a cool ass chick. You should be with somebody that thinks you're a cool ass chick. And that is like, I'm... I hate... I know.

She knows that. Hearing that from him was the worst. Yeah. Of course. Hearing him be like, you deserve somebody that can give you what you want, and I can't do that for you. And you know that. Your heart knows that, but your ego's like, fuck that.

Stop paying attention. We're going to win this motherfucker. We're going to get this motherfucker. Nothing else matters. Your happiness doesn't matter. I don't care how Mizubi are. We're going to fucking get this done. I know.

That is what you're doing right now. I know. And it's on you. Like right now, you're just in a shitty spot and you're feeling sorry for yourself. You need to kick in the ass. Your friends need to stop listening to you. They need to like kind of be dicks and like kind of, you know, they're so, they love you so much and they're kind to you, but they really, it's done.

And I mean the good cop. Do stuff that makes yourself feel good. Remember how valuable you are. You are. She's blowing up. Her comedy's blowing up. I'm not even exaggerating. She doesn't need no man.

Use it. This is a great bit. Come on, fucking, this is great stuff. And you know what? Don't replace this dude with some other shitty dude. I think that's like the worst thing. Don't try to like get over him. Absolutely not.

Don't try to like get under someone to get over him. That's like, no. No way, no way, no way. You're a pretty woman. You're a comedian. You live in LA. thing don't try to like get over him don't try to like get under someone to get over him that's like no i've you're no way no way no way you're a pretty woman you're a comedian you live in la you know i know that you have i'm assuming a massive ego and it's a motherfucker so you gotta you gotta fucking like get some reins on it because to becca's point it will only happen again you need to get control of that and to figure out why you're doing this because you're just going to find something other to fill that ego void and you need to recognize you need to fill it with something else yeah um and and not not validation from other guys validation from yourself and friends and and you know it sounds corny but like no you're enough and

you know but that is true i love you gabby you got this you got this yeah when michelle doesn't listen to you complain anymore it's my fault and and this too shall pass it's probably gonna be shitty for like three months and then you're gonna wake up one day and you're gonna be like oh the sun is shining like the air is fresh and i am free yes it will be shitty for three months don't let it be shitty for 12 more. Oh. Because it will. That's on you. You're going to have to deal with it one of these days.

Do you think he's ever going to reach out again? It doesn't fucking matter. He may be. And I know you want him to. Lock him. That's the problem. I know you want him to.

And I know you want to read that text and I know you want to get the satisfaction from it. Stop. He will. He will because he's bored all right we gotta go

good luck we love you we love you bye love you well i mean that's see how circular it was though that's how it is at the last question is he gonna contact me it's like i'm like telling all these things rochelle's in the opposite room just cringing just like i know it was breaking her heart she doesn't want to hear he's sleeping with other people and he is he's definitely sleeping see i told her i'm like i'm sure he really misses you and he's sad stop telling her that that's that thread of hope doesn't miss her hold on to no he's i know you're right you're right he misses her in their sense where he's like sitting around on his couch and like his first two options are busy and he's just like i guess i miss gabby yeah sure you know what's you know what's crazy though is when he gets the sense and the vibe

this may not happen but like if he gets the vibe that she's actually moved on that's the minute he's gonna be like let's get dinner let What are you doing tomorrow? Do you have plans? She really has to show strength in that point because he just, at the end of the day, guys are simple creatures. And when they really want to be with someone, they'll show it. They'll obsess over them. They'll lose their mind. It's simple. It's not that complicated with guys.

It's like they're either. He's just not that into her. Yeah. You know, I think that's the same with women, too. But yeah. how's it going good how are you good what's your name i'm lynn i'm 27 lynn 27 how can we help lynn 27 so i have this i listen to your podcast a lot and i hear like questions i had this um scenario that came up that i haven't heard you talk about before. So basically, I'm 27.

My husband's 28. We've been married for like around five years. And I have like a lot of guy friends. I'm a physician. So I work with a lot of men. There are a lot of women like getting involved in medicine, but still like predominantly a male dominated field. And so I have I had like this male friend. And basically, this scenario came up like a couple weeks ago, my husband said, Hey, I'm going to a work function. And he was like, it's like with dinner, but like the spouses aren't coming. So if you wanted to make plans with any of your friends, like on Friday night, like I won't be there. And so I was like, Okay, sounds good. So I found I saw one of my like male friends in

the hospital, and him and I had been wanting to try this new restaurant in town. I was like okay sounds good so i found i saw one of my like male friends in the hospital and him and i had been wanting to try this new restaurant in town i was like do you want to go on friday and he was like yeah sure that sounds good and so we like went and we've gone to dinner like him and i have hung out him and my husband have hung out like all three of us have hung out he's actually dating a girl and all four of us have hung out and so like we went to dinner and i didn't think anything of it and then like halfway through dinner he was like hey did your husband think it was weird that just us were going to dinner and I was like no why and he was like oh well like um let's call him Sam and like his girlfriend Nikki he was like Nikki was like pretty mad and I was like oh really and he was like yeah

and so I was like kind of like I don. I was like, I thought it was weird. Yeah. Sounds weird. What do you, I mean, what do you. What do I think? I feel like, I don't know. Maybe I was about. How long have they been dating?

So I, like two years. Oh, that's a long time. But it doesn't surprise me that I was about to say, and I was kind of thinking on my feet that I was wondering, do I think that, is it fair to say women would be more problem, have more of a problem with the scenario than men? But then I'm rethinking like, no, I think it has more to do with stability.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that you and your husband are married and they are not. And so just by definition in theory you have more stability uh in your marriage than she might have in her dating they're just dating right so um right and so and she knows you like you guys have all hung out yeah you said you guys have double dated yeah it's like we're not so they're a long distance so i don't like to see her near as much as i see sam okay they're long distance. So I don't like see her near as much as I see Sam. Okay, they're long distance.

She's feeling insecure. She's projecting a little bit. I mean, well, like your husband doesn't think it's weird, but I'm assuming you and your husband, like I'm not saying it recorded like a conversation or a talk, but it's like it's just understood that you guys are all friends, right? Like he's very comfortable with your relationship with your friend exactly yeah yeah they have trust they hang out like sam and my husband hang out

like just me like if i was working in vicky yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah it's it's it just yeah i think it's a comfort level when i was living in milwaukee my best friend and his wife i mean there would be plenty of times where her and I would get coffee or grab dinner. And, like, it got to the point where, like, she worked at a salon. There were a couple people I'd walk in that thought I was her husband or whatever, and we would just all laugh. This is my best friend since I was in kindergarten.

Right, yeah. And so it kind of reminds me of maybe something like that. But it is unique in a sense that something like that where, but that is, it is unique in a sense that like if people don't know the history, like it seems so laughable to the three of us because of that. But in an outsider point of view, it does sound, it is abnormal. Like you usually don't have that intimate of a friendship where if you just

say, well, I'm at a dinner with this guy, like, Oh no, this is my friend, not my husband. It just kind of looks, it looks more people in that scenario when you see them are cheating

right yeah totally totally i get what you're saying i have and i have a yeah and i have a platonic best friend and when i first started dating um my partner right now and i'd be like oh nick and i are going to the movies he'd be like um not this nick different nick but he'd be like oh that's interesting and you know he had to like develop trust and all that kind of thing but this girl's probably feeling insecure for totally unrelated reasons because they're long distance and all i mean that's the thing you don't know there's probably so much about their relationship you have no idea the fact that she is long days the distance there's a natural insecurity there um so kind of kind of your point she might be projecting

some insecurity it is a little weird to me that he i don't know asked no because no but no i was gonna say that he just was kind of like well no i guess that that's his right too to be like fuck it i'm going to dinner with my friend the only thing that's kind of weird to me and i'm the only thing that's kind of weird to me and i'm only using my personal experience with this is that you know the scenario that i brought up about my two friends who are married like i would never have asked her if he got upset because i would know he's not upset because i'm so comfortable in this little threesome friendship thing that i would i would do i'd be like man she's like so and so's like frustrated

because like i'm here with you and it's frustrating because obviously we're just friends like i wouldn't wonder if my buddy was upset so it's kind of sorry i didn't mean it no go ahead yeah please i'm just gonna say i think i don't even really think that he was he was worried about my husband because of that i think that he was trying to like bring up the conversation he knew that i was going to ask why right he knew i was going to be like why and he was like well nicky was really mad and i was like oh well i'm sorry like i had no idea we've done this because i've been friends with like sam for like four years so the whole time i've been married we've done like gone out to dinner just the two of us like multiple times like i've never thought anything i mean have you

when he's in this relationship have you asked him about his relationship did you ask him about his relationship kind of like what's going on like you know what i'm saying like what does he want like does he want i was like i was like oh what did you tell her and he was like oh i told her that like you know we've never like been romantic that i'm friends with your husband that like we've all gone out like what's changed kind of thing and she was just like well and then he said that she actually felt better about it and then she talked to her sister and then apparently like her sister had her on speakerphone with like all these other friends and these friends were like weird that they're like going to dinner together like that's so weird no she's got a birdie in her ear. She was really upset, I guess. Well, again, at face value,

devil's in the details, right? You could tell this story and leave out just a few small details, and yeah, like... It's going to look fishy. Traditionally, a married woman going out to dinner with a guy who's not her friend...

With a co-worker. With a co-worker sounds fishy. For sure. If those are the only details you have it sounds fishy obviously her sister doesn't know about the context of their relationship so she's telling the story from her point of view already insecure and then god knows what her sister's been through you know who knows all these other women maybe have dealt with some guy doing some shit and here you guys are like laughing at a scenario in which you and this

friend would ever be involved romantically right and so um he just needs to he needs to establish trust with this girl and if you know like it's more like i feel like we should get him on in a sense because he probably has more confusion about like you know my advice to you is like just don't let this affect the friendship if you do yeah i just like deferred to her i was like yeah whatever she's comfortable with is what i'll do like i don't yeah her to her that's great well to a certain extent i mean i i mean listen a good friend sure but i again i'm i'm thinking about my friend like the my friends that i had they were two of my closest friends like we're family it's like going to dinner with my sister yes or coffee that's how so if i want to sit there and be like

i can't get coffee with you because like some girl you're dating who lives in fucking cincinnati isn't comfortable with it like yeah you know what i'm saying i do think that's kind of how i felt yeah so here's what i think if what you can and what you can maybe have control over is next time she's in town, make it a priority to get coffee with her and just be like, listen, I get where you're coming from. I just want you to know. Yeah. But don't you think she would feel some type of way that her boyfriend was telling her

that she felt that way? I mean, listen, if you can't. So I actually asked him, I was like, are you going to tell Nikki that you told me he goes yeah I am I think that's the right thing to do I feel like it's awkward if you don't there's no secrets here like that's the thing this is all like we're all friends

right exactly we're all adults she shouldn't feel judged for being insecure because again at face value it's a potentially weird scenario but like the devil's in the details and she just needs clarity on what this relationship is. So no secrets seem to be kept, but like next time you see her,

she just needs to really understand the friendship. So, and know that there's no reason to be insecure. Yeah. That's it. You know? And right now she's just confused and she's getting a lot of bad advice from a bunch of people who've gotten snippets of the scenario and the story.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's helpful. Best of luck. Yeah. But no secrets.

There's no reason for secrets. This, you know, that's great. That's how things get real messy and confused. Don't make her feel judged. Don't make her the devil. Yeah.

It's totally reasonable that she has these questions. She just needs clarity on what the scenario is yeah well thank you thanks for listening take care best of luck thanks for being a doctor so i have all these friends from college guy friends that literally like they're my brothers and they're all getting married now and they're like fiances are so weird to me and we were at a wedding and i it was like the very end of the night it's like two in the morning and i like jokingly like straddled my friend oh and she freaked out and i was in my head it was so confusing because i was like i would rather eat my own vomit than see him naked and you think i'm like coming on to him I gotta say like being a new girlfriend though sometimes like with a boyfriend that has really close girlfriends I'm like yeah you gotta you gotta suss out the

situation you gotta be like what is this bitch's intention like my man I may not be insecure with him but like what is she doing hanging around him for the past however many years you know I'm not worried about you other bitches out there that i'm worried about you know like the dude like i don't i'm not worried about you baby all these guys want to fuck you you know like if you're not if you're not careful you're gonna find a dick inside of you real quick and it's not gonna be your fault it'll be their fault you gotta test it out you're really gonna be on your toes um but that's the thing listen we all know cheating happens it's out there and at face value like these scenarios are weird yeah and you

gotta have boundaries like when you do you gotta respect someone's relationship too like even if you are that friend you know like i'm not gonna like i have a friend where we always like put our arms around each other and it's like super platonic but like if he has his new girlfriend there i'm not gonna be like how are you harrison like you know cuddling up to him like walking around arm and arm like that's not that's not gonna make her feel good you know right yeah yeah but that can happen i mean yeah i just think it's not very like they just have to know it's just funny when your mind's not there at all and you're like what yeah i'm thinking of like i'm thinking of

gross i'm thinking of my friend and then talking about and again like we've had dinner together and i mean they live in milwaukee so it's been a while but there was on a regular basis i was like hey do you want to grab dinner yeah they have kids now but like before they were just a married couple with no kids and a lot of free time and when he was busy and i we were bored yeah we'd like wait for him like meet us for a drink like yeah it was like totally to that point like the idea of like anything intimate for the two of us we would both be like oh no you know and but yes like it's but she's also a beautiful woman and if a a new girl who had no context about the relationship she would be like what the fuck are you guys going out to dinner all the time yeah yeah anything you want to admit so

it's clarity yep yep how's it going good i'm helen i'm 27 what's your name helen helen helen yeah 27 helen what a lovely where are you from um I'm from England like Midland yes worldwide how can we help Helen a bit of a long story I'm not sure how much information to give you um try to focus on the important details and then we'll ask follow-up questions if we need them yeah yeah basically um like I met my ex-boyfriend while I was at uni, and it was, like, good for a couple of years, and then it got really crap for a couple of years. Wait, is uni high school or college? Sorry, I don't know. University?

Is uni high school? Uni college, sorry. Okay, okay, okay. University. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, so, yeah, I ended it with him, with him but it was like semi-mutual like we kind of both knew it wasn't working sure but we owned a house together oh so um tough we like

had to live together for like six months um and during that time i was like oh let's just be honest with each other about anything like we can date if we want to but just be honest because we're living together um and then found out he'd been seeing a girl for a couple of months so i was like you need to move out like if you're gonna lie to me get out okay so he wasn't really honest you had to find out that that was yeah okay yeah i found out because i'm quite good at sensing when someone's lying. So I found out. Well, I thought I was anyway. And then like a couple of months after that, I found out from my then best friend that he like cheated with her several times

during the course of our relationship. I am so sorry. So you got cheated on twice at the same time. Well, they were broken up. No, but I'm saying, like, to find out that information, you get cheated on by your, like, two people that you love betrayed your trust. That's hard.

Yeah, like, it was a betrayal both times, but obviously, yeah. But that was all, like two i found out two years ago like we've been broken up to two and a half years over that even and basically i'm just i feel like i'm kind of stuck in this like can i swear yeah yeah yeah please yeah i'm stuck in this really shit place where like i kind of it sounds really bad but i kind of hate men yeah because my my boyfriend before him was awful as well so i'm like i want to have a family and stuff but i just really don't know how to get myself out of this negative mind yeah yeah that makes sense That makes sense. I mean,

it's always really important when we get hurt by the people we love to, to not project it in our next relationship. I mean, listen, there's a lot of shitty people out there. And in this scenario, if, if there's one takeaway from your friend being a part of this city scenario is

that it wasn't just the guy being shitty. It was also in, I'm assuming she's a woman. Yeah. It was, you know, people can be shitty. So, you know, try to be mindful of a man hurt you, sure, and if you keep dating and put yourself out there, it won't be the last shitty guy you meet.

Yeah, that's scary. You just have to try to, you know not dwell on that you know um yeah meeting two guys you know you've you said your last one i mean listen not to make you feel better but you're not the only one who's back to back had two shitty boyfriends you know have you been dating since have you been going on dates and like how has that been going if so no i've literally like i've been on one date since and that was bad as well um and like i'm i'm not really one for dating apps but i just i can't really get in that mindset it doesn't really work for me i think you're stuck in a rut obviously as you said and to get out of it, you're going to need,

you're going to need to kind of fight it, right? Because right now, when we're stuck in a rut, when we're stuck in ruts, like we're, we kind of do the same thing over and over. And yet, then we convince ourselves that we know what we want. And I'm not saying you don't, you get some clarity on the thing in the bad, but you get a little too comfortable, then you say no more than you say yes, right? You're going to have to say yes to some new things at the risk of those new things not going well. It's like, you know, I'm a creature of habit. I go to the same restaurant, I get the same dish. And once I branch out and be like, I'm going to try something else. And then I don't like it. Well, fuck it. Why did I, why did I do that? But that's okay. You know, like,

because maybe the dish I love now at the the restaurant i always go to they got a new chef and it's not quite as good as it used to be you know and it's okay and so i'm gonna have to try some other dishes most of which i won't like but i gotta in search of the one i really do so you're gonna have to okay wait how old are you again 27 27 you know i know you say you want to have a family and you want to settle down on that, but like, do you, do you want to be dating right now? Like, do you want a boyfriend or partner right now? Well,

that's the problem. I was saying to my mate the other day, um, I don't think I want a boyfriend. I really don't. Um, I know you talk about a lot on the podcast, like how people get to 25 and they're like,

Oh, I thought I'd be like married with kids at this stage i definitely have that yeah but i was i don't know i want to be like a youngish mom like i don't know yeah well you're still very young yes so you're fine yes um can i can i say a little cliche i think that a lot of people a lot of people say you know you like meet the right one when you least expect it or like something cheesy like that and I think that maybe I feel like I gave this advice to someone else earlier but I think maybe you really need to like focus on you like are you investing time in like your hobbies right now like do you have stuff outside of work that you like to

do in like communities yeah I mean the thing is as well i feel like a lot of my hobbies and like my job and my lifestyle in general is quite isolated i'm not sure how i would meet someone like i've got hobbies but they're all kind of like one person or and my job it's just me i know becca asked if you want to date i'm when say, I don't really want to date, is that out of fear? Because I'm actually getting a sense that you do want to date, but you're afraid of being hurt. And you're afraid of the mess that is inevitably dating. You know, like if you're dating in a sense, I'm going to go out there. I'm going to meet some guys.

Like maybe one out of five is going to be decent, you know on a drinks with a guy like that's that's a good yeah it's a good run you know um so like dating can be messy and right now correct me if i'm wrong i feel like you're you've been hurt you have these guys and you just want to win you know like a win like you just want like one good experience and i think you're being harder on yourself and hard on like just needing it to be a great. I think, you know, maybe it's and I think right now you're thinking of it more on a macro level. And I think you're great. Is this like I'm looking for my husband per se. I feel like you're kind of focused on that and try to have smaller wins you know like

maybe just have fun like have a date even if it's just one date like have someone that you feel like you have fun with maybe even if you never see maybe it's a guy who's kind of weird you're not into but like he seems like a nice guy it might turn into a friendship and he made you laugh and you know exactly you saw a good movie yeah totally you know he sucked but it was you know like those little things you're you're just in a kind of a negative mind frame and i get why and i can totally understand but you need to try to do things to to to think more positive you got to get glimmers of hope yeah get that little hope wherever you can glean it from you know because this whole like i'm getting older i'm not going

to be a young mom guys are shitty etc etc like cetera, et cetera. Like that's, I don't want to sound, but that is life, you know, but there are good guys out there and there's good people to meet, whether they're for you or not. And you have to be willing to shift to the bullshit. Like great things aren't just standing outside of your doorstep saying, find me. And that's whether that's guys or jobs or anything, you know? The reason why the good ones are harder to find because there's a lot of shit out there you could give

yourself like a fun challenge like maybe you could get on bumble and be like okay i'm gonna accept one date every two weeks like i'm gonna do it i'm just gonna do it and like it's probably gonna suck the first few times but you may have that one time that like you have fun yeah and then you have that glimmer of hope don't and i'm yeah i totally agree and if you don't want to go on a dating app don't fine but don't not go on a dating app because you thought you would never be the girl who would ever have to go on a dating app to meet a guy yeah it's 21st century it's 20 it's 2019 you know at 20 you were like i'm gonna meet a guy at a coffee shop we're gonna fall in love and we're gonna have a kid at 25 and that didn't happen but you know what that doesn't happen for anyone anymore and that's fine yeah

but to becca's point you know have some fun go out do you have like friends you could like go out to like a trivia night at a bar or like you know go out like bowling do something fun and like something social where you can just like not with the goal to like meet people but just like see what happens and just have a good time yeah i mean i try to like we're dating apps i'm kind of having a break from them because i haven't just been i don't know i don't know if i'm doing it wrong or what it is i mean without spending too much time with you one thing i think you are doing wrong is you're putting way too much pressure on immediate return you're putting way too much pressure on like your life coming together the way

you hoped it would when you were 26, you know, you're, you're just putting so much pressure on that. And you probably have some pain from being hurt by, and that's understandable. And your friend, you feel betrayed.

You got to let go of the expectations, try to reset. And just, again, you know, small wins, you know, this is not about finding your husband tomorrow it's about like kind of to becca's point just have a have a nice day you know like and just go from that you're not doing anything wrong other than you're putting way too much pressure on yourself and possibly on the people you interact well you do that kind of like

once you put pressure on yourself then all of a sudden you're just projecting that and you feel like. And you may be going into dates and going into experiences with the expectation it's going to suck. And like maybe flipping that script on yourself, you know? That too. And if you do, like, if you can say to us,

I kind of feel like I hate men, guys will sense that. Guys don't want to go on a date with like, I feel like she hates men. I'm not seriously, like guys can sense that and that can be a little intimidating and like i don't know i don't want to i don't want to deal with that yeah so i really give off the vibe of i hate men like like i went out to like some clubs with my friend the other day and she like had a go at me she was like oh you know and of course no one's going to approach you if you're giving everyone evil and i was like i'm not giving anyone evil love listen i as someone who has a

great resting bitch face maybe just go out and try to like honestly think about smiling when you're out and just it's it's it's tough i i mean i struggle with it but um yes i think you could set fun little goals like i'm gonna try to like if you go out with your friend at a club be like i'm gonna try to get someone to buy me a drink or like i'm gonna try to like i don't know just like for fun not like for pressure but be like i'm gonna dance with like one person i don't know like just just like for fun totally flip the script like stop trying to you know this whole like being saved mentality of finding your guys. You can have your family,

like kind of to Becca's point, have fun, take control, like be the person who's just out there, like getting to know guys, like getting to know different people without the expectation of, is he, is he safe for me to give my heart to?

Cause I feel like right now you're going out there with that, that hope and that vibe of like i'm trying to find a human being who won't break my heart you know and and that's a lot of pressure to try to do that yeah and then it's like it's easier just to say well they all suck and no one's gonna do that so just you know a guy to becca's point maybe he wants to dance and that's all he's good for that's all i need him for is just to dance or maybe he just wants to see you having fun with your friends yeah so just be like i'm here to hang out with my girlfriends and drink and i'm not gonna worry about find a movie buddy you know start looking for guy friends maybe i don't i wouldn't normally say that because a lot

of times we are so quick to make friends with the opposite sex and not date but maybe you need to like make some guy friends and build up that trust with men and just build some relationships with guys that you're not that you're not necessarily um putting so much pressure like every guy needs to be a guy who won't break your heart you know yeah i think that's part of the problem as well is um because i moved to where i live for my ex and like my family are here but i really don't have many friends around like have maybe two friends around yeah i would start focusing on friendships again yeah i mean that's so hard that's a whole other topic though how do you start

making new friends like in general you know you kind of have to put yourself out there you have to be able to have the awkward getting to know you conversation. Like, I mean, women to women, guy to guy, it's something there's like almost like a first date with a potential friend. Be like,

Hey, are you like a cool dude? Who's kind of also single, who like wants a guy in their life kind of buddy, you know, I've always met people through activities. So like, maybe you need to find that,

like that community of activity in order to like branch out and meet people like for me i like to rock climb so whenever i go to a new city i can start going to a rock climbing gym and i just talk to everyone i can making small chat and like see what happens so maybe you need to find something like that some yeah cooking class you know like some sort of club everything i do is so like me on my own yeah get creatives you gotta try something new like a new activity or something like get get creative do a little brainstorming session totally i think i i don't want to discourage you from dating because i think ultimately that's you want so that's a good thing but i think right now the focus is on you getting out there saying yes to things not saying no to things meeting people just you need to kind of

change your routine and your routine right now is really kind of getting you into a dark hole of kind of self-loathing and self-pity and i you have reasons to feel sad but like at this point you need to mix it up yeah yeah yeah i know i feel like i've been sad for a little bit too long it's getting a bit pathetic at this point you is that your dog in the background? Yeah. I mean, you go to a dog park and like talk to people,

you know, like say hi. There's like so many little ways that you can just like get your foot in the door and even just like, even if you don't become friends with somebody right away,

sometimes it's a confidence booster just to have a five minute chat with someone and be like, okay, that went well. Like I can do this. Yeah.

I can like meet new people and make new friends and do that kind of yeah yeah i think that's a good idea you're not you know i say this not to sound dismissive of your heartbroken heart but you're not the only one's got their heart broken and it happens and it's okay don't and i say that because don't want to judge yourself you know like you're in this kind of rabbit hole i'm guessing you probably judge yourself a little bit you're just dying yourself you're judging men it's just you kind of have to think of it as like hey this shitty thing happened and that's okay i'm gonna learn from it but i'm gonna try to learn from it rather than then let it get me down yeah because you you can learn from

it and maybe you look back and you think of all the red flags that were going on in your relationship and your friend and things like that and so not to become cynical or paranoid but just to be more mindful in the future and seasons pass and you get out of ruts you know i didn't see any like signs at all it made me like doubt my like if i can see a good person or not yeah yeah totally you don't trust your own instincts anymore, you know? It's hard. I think two thoughts to that. One, some people are really good liars, and that sucks.

But also, I think you'll be surprised in the future. You didn't see it then because you didn't experience it. But to that, you want to make sure she's not paranoid where she's looking to see if everyone's lying. Well, when it comes to whether trusting your gut or being paranoid, it's are you looking for the problem, or does the problem kind of find you where you're like you know you're you're dating someone new and they do something you go wait okay i trust you but like this feels off yeah as opposed to the paranoid person is this like wait where are you going what are you doing who are you with who are you going on why

are you staying out so late like there's a difference between that yeah so um but you just right now you need to change your routine you're gonna get out of this rut yeah seasons seasons seasons past stop saying yeah say yeah you know like literally it's it's kind of sounds cheesy but you really need to have conversations with yourself about uh what do you do when you start feeling down you know like you need then immediately change whatever you're doing smile at people don't let yourself constantly ruminate and and criticize exes and men let that go yeah um and start making some some friends experience like avoid men for the next six months. No, don't avoid men.

Become friends with them. Yeah. You know, take it slow, but you should definitely start meeting more men, even if it's in a friend capacity. Yeah. Just put less pressure on what that relationship is. Get yourself out there.

Get yourself out there. Get yourself out there. All right. Well, best of luck. Thanks for calling. I think you're going to be fine. You're going to make it. You can,

you can do this. Trust me. You can. All right. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Bye. Bye. I'm like,

do they have dog parks in England? I'm like, is that a thing? Have you ever seen 101 Dalmatians? My biggest takeaway of, of these calls, it's like we the the ruts and i was actually thinking about this the other other day i get in my own ruts too and like uh your friend our last caller yeah um it's like she knew and she knows but we just like and i do it too i mean like i i get in these ruts and i like ask myself why do i keep doing the very thing that is making cause pain and things like that and it's

just um it's figuring that out it's hard to feel hopeful sometimes you know if it's like just feels like life keeps hitting you you're like is this ever going to turn around? I don't know the solution, but the things I try to do is if I try to think on a macro level or a bigger scale, hope feels impossible in a sense of like, well, I hope I meet all of my career goals and I hope I meet my own relationship goals. And I think of that all at once, that sounds hard. I think what you said about the small goals and small small wins i think that that applies to everything that's

what i'm saying like you know hope's a little bit more attainable when like my only hope is to like have lunch later yeah and it like it applies to everything even if it's like my house is a freaking mess okay well i'm gonna like unload my dishwasher boom did one thing i mean it's like you gotta sometimes you have to get that granular to do because like yeah otherwise you get paralyzed and you're like frozen you're like i can't move i'll never find a guy it's i'm thinking about kids kids oh no i was too much it's way too much and all the guys yeah so also who wants to be a young mom? Becca, thanks for joining. Yeah. So glad that you

stopped by to say hi. Thanks for having me. Remind people where they can find you. Well, Chatty Broads Podcast and obviously Instagram at Becca,

B-E-K-A-H. Formerly, what's your sign? Formerly, what's your sign? R-I-P. Thanks for playing the good cop today. Thanks.

I was in a good mood. So I was just like, you've got this girl. Take a yoga class. Why are you in such a good mood? I don't know. I just had a good day. That's awesome.

Just not in a rut for some reason. That's great. It's very up and down. You know, someday you wake up, some days you wake up and it's just better than other days. I don't know. It's so true.

Well, guys, thanks for listening. As always, send your questions to asknick at castmedia.com. Cast with a K. Don't forget to give us five stars if you're so inclined. We will see you Wednesday. Have a great day. Bye.