The Viall Files - E650 Ask Nick - How Do I Save My Relationship After Cheating?

Episode Date: October 9, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss bed-times and how many hours we need each night to not be crabby. We also read a submission from someone who got a Navy Diver’s number, and needs help crafting a message. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller needs help deciding if she should break up with her boyfriend. The relationship is going very well, and her friends and family love him, but she can’t help but feel like something’s missing. Our second caller’s boyfriend seems to be going through a quarter-life crisis, but she’s not sure if she’s the crisis. After 5 years together, he recently told her he’s not sure if he wants to get married, have children, or be in a relationship at all. She’s not sure if these sentiments are true, or if he’s just aging. Our final caller is wondering how to save his relationship after cheating. His girlfriend recently moved out, forcing him to return home across the country, so he’s wondering if he can salvage his relationship, and how.  “Relationships take f*cking work, man.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Better Help - Get a break from your thoughts, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Today Tix - See that show you’ve always wanted to see—or discover something new that you’ll love just as much for even less. Go to https://www.TODAYTIX.com/nickviall and use promo code nickviall to get $20 off your first TodayTix purchase! Zocdoc - Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of Genevieve, Amanda, Derek. Allie is here as well. Say hi, Allie. Hi! What's going on? What's new? Bopping.

Vibing. How are you? Fine. I have a question. My voice cracked during that. Convincing. Are you sure you're fine? Very convincing.

What's your question? Oh, I was just going to ask, do you have a weekend ritual or something that you tend to do most weekends sleep in hmm if you had no responsibility what time do you get up

late 10 what about you well it depends on it really just depends on what time I go to bed fair but

cause like I don't like I have fucking improv shows at like 10pm on a Wednesday which is like nobody's chosen time to do that what time would you choose to go to bed and choose to wake up if you had no obligation no obligations at all I mean yeah I don't know like on a Friday night you know I can go oh I see what you mean I got no plans

and let's say I have no plans on a Saturday morning and I can go to bed when I want to and wake up when I want to what would that be for you I feel like I would probably try to go to bed when I want to and wake up when I want to, what would that be for you? I feel like I would probably try to go to bed before 1. Like, definitely. I mean, if I'm really tired, then I'll go to bed at, like, 11 or something. No, no, I hear you. I think in an ideal world, I go to bed at, like, 12.30, wake up at, like, 10. 12.30 to 10? Yeah, there's, like, fall asleep time.

And it's, like, usually about my boyfriend's house, you, like, kind of wake up in the morning. A good nine and a half hours of sleep. Yeah, because's like fall asleep time. And it's like usually like about my boyfriend's house. You like kind of wake up in the morning. A good nine and a half hours of sleep. Yeah, because usually I'm like making. Well, it's hard to answer without obligations because usually I'm like making up for lost. Even though sleep experts say you can't do that. Not in my lived experience. You absolutely can't make up for.

Well, I mean, I think what it's telling me is that if you could, you would sleep for nine hours. Oh, yeah. Easy peas. Same with you. I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour. What's a reasonable hour? Like 1030. What?

That's early to me. That's a reasonable hour. To you. I guess I just have a very skewed kind of perception. Like, Derek, what time do you go to bed? Did the pandemic affect any of this for you? Because the pandemic completely shifted my sleep schedule.

I think I go to sleep at midnight and then I naturally wake up around like 6.37. Nick, what is your, well, first, obviously, like when do you, ideal bedtime,

ideal rise time? 10.30 to about 6.30. Okay, and how much, what's your threshold where it's like if you get under this amount of sleep? Six.

You're crabby? I'm tired. Yeah. If I get seven, I'm tired. Hmm. Yeah. If I get seven, I'm good. Seven, seven, eight hours. Injury. Just curious. Do we got to write her in her?

Yeah, it reads. So my friend, someone wrote in on behalf of their friend. I always love when people do that. My friend Amy is 29 and an army nurse stationed in Hawaii.

Another friend is trying to set her up on a blind date with a Navy diver who she met while serving him at the bar. This friend showed the guy a picture of Amy and left his number on a napkin for her to pass along. The man does not have social media

and we do not have any photos of him. Interesting. All we have is a telephone number. This is so like 90s rom-com. And we're trying to formulate a text for her to send to him to get the ball rolling. She doesn't know what he looks like well i assume the friends were like he's cute we we saw him friends are so trustworthy friends you really trust your friends i wouldn't trust my friends

no but i feel like friends always downplay what kind are we friends are so critical of men you'll show a photo you know like girls take 10 minutes to find well that's what i get yeah i guess it's so true i think it's i okay so yeah there's like a like a diagram here of like who you can trust in a setup yeah so i don't think guys can trust women to set them up with their women friends and and it's a compliment to you women as friends is that I think you guys are blinded by your friendship and loyalty to your friends. And as great as she is, whoever she is, she might not be great for me, so to speak.

So I would never ask a girl to set me up with her friends unless I knew who the girl was. But if someone came and approached me and said, I have the best girl for you, no, absolutely not. But this is like, they're not going off of personality. They don't know this man at all.

They're purely going off of looks. Okay. You know? Yeah, maybe good energy. But I do think you can trust a girl to set you up with a guy because it's like, would you fuck him kind of thing.

That's messy territory. Well, I don't mean like literally i think girls can set up their girlfriends with guys that they know of even their guy friends i think it has much more to do with your knowledge of their dating history i think there's so many variables that go into this i'm just talking more on a fairly surface level i just think when women are setting up their girlfriends with other people, they are biased to a level that often disappoints the men they're trying to set up their friends with. Do you feel like this is a phenomenon you've experienced and witnessed a lot? Yeah, my whole life. I mean, even like women I've dated and they talk about their friends about like, oh, they'd be so great for so-and-so. I'm like, no, no, they wouldn't. And again, they're coming from a place of like true friendship and

loving everything about their friend. And it's just like, great, you know, but I don't think they're a match for them. But I would trust in this situation, if it's a couple of girls saying, hey, I know this guy, We think he's really hot. I know you would like him. I think you can trust. Right. And then the guy saw a photo of the potential blind date. So like kind of off the bat, you know, that there's like a mutual like physical level of interest.

So it's not like fully blind because he knows. She just doesn't know. It's like a blurry date. I get asked all the time. Hey, do you have any guy friends that you could set me up with? And I'm always like, no, I would never do that to you you know type of thing as i feel like i can be objective when it comes to my friends about like yeah i'm friends with them but like absolutely not i would not want you to date them you know you you deserve better type of thing i love to set people up

it has never gone well and are you setting up guys with your girlfriends? I know the guys too. You know the guys too. Yeah. But they're in like different walks of life or like different groups. They don't know each other. Anyways. So back to this story. Where are we at? They need to craft a text. We need to craft a text. Again, important info that we could maybe use this like, I don't know, a joke in the text. She's an army nurse stationed in Hawaii. He is a Navy diver. Stationed in Hawaii? Seems like he just lives in Hawaii. She's trying to shoot her shot towards him. Yeah, and she already has

some level of confirmation that he's like he said he would be open to the setup. He saw a photo of her and was like, yeah, you can pass along my number. So now she has the number. He saw a photo of her. Yes. So the friends So he's already green-lighted this. Yeah, exactly. But she has the number. He saw a photo of her. Yes. So the friend. So he's already green lighted this. Yeah. Exactly. But she has to now initiate communication. Seems like this

friend is nervous to get the ball rolling. Us sending her perfectly crafted text. Why is she getting the ball rolling? Because she has his number. He doesn't have her contact info. She has his. So he's seen a picture of her. Yes. But doesn't have her information. No. So he saw a picture of her wrote down his number. And she hasn't seen a picture of her. Yes. But doesn't have her information. No.

So he saw a picture of her, wrote down his number. And she hasn't seen a picture of him. He doesn't have any social media. So I assume the friends just described him. Okay. I love that he doesn't have any social media. Allie, take note. Allie should not be dating people with content.

I don't know if it's always a green flag. I have no social media. OK, I will say my boyfriend is kind of a dream in terms of like he doesn't. He has so few followers on Instagram. He's not really on it like. But he's there. He's there. And it exists. It exists.

My buddy from home, my best friend, like he has an Instagram. Once in a while I get a like. I still think he's only posted one picture ever. Truly. Like, you know, I think this is my boyfriend's Instagram he's bought no posts yet obsessed king but he has one the thing he has an Instagram the thing about your boyfriend's Instagram is that he has no profile photo can we bring him up yes no no I'm not gonna put that on here doesn't make the show we'll keep it on Nick's face for. Now I have to take 10 minutes to find a photo. I'm not trying to have sex with him.

Boyfriend reveal in the bio files. Wait, wait, wait. Actually, let me go to my Instagram. How do I go to my Instagram? While you do that, we're trying to craft a text? Yes. Active situation. I don't know. I guess. We have an active situation. I don't want to...

My Instagram's up. Nice post, Genevieve. Okay, where is he? Drum roll, please. Zoom. That's a weird photo. Zoom in. Zoom in.

That's a weird photo. Lovely. Lovely. Wait, wait, wait. This is one I like to show to people. Zoom in. Zoom in. That's a weird photo. Lovely. Lovely. Wait, wait, wait. This is one I like to show to people. Not this one of me. My cousin's bought me this photo. You look stunning gorgeous in that.

That's him. Great. Curly brown hair. Yeah. J'adore. Okay. Yeah. No, I got.

Yeah. Okay. I didn't need a whole portfolio. I just. I showed you two photos, Nick. Yeah. And one of them was there for a second. One of them was far out. One of them was one of those was like you did. You did a great job.

Thank you. I got exactly what I needed. Period. Okay. The text. The text. I assume she knows his name. I just confuses why this is so complicated.

If he's already greenlit. Because she's overthinking because it feels vulnerable. Even if he's already greenlit because she's overthinking because it feels vulnerable even if he's already greenlit it feels vulnerable oh my god I can't wait to flirt with you can't wait to flirt with you wanna show the title? put them all together

what are all the best pieces what's your girlfriend up to this weekend? oh yeah that one too oh my god wanna shot at the title he's a deep sea diver What's your girlfriend up to this weekend? Oh, yeah, that one too. Oh, my God. Want a shot at the title? He's a deep sea diver? Yeah, for the Navy. Navy diver.

Navy diver. Can't wait to dive into your pants. Just kidding. I was also thinking like dive into this pussy. You think she should leave with that? That's so bold. No, it's like, you know how it's like you should never, the first idea in your brain and brainstorming is never a good one sure that was that well i was thinking i was gonna go with diving deep you know okay well let's let's start out easy hey x we don't know

what his name is my friend no i don't think it's something like hey it's me depending on how often you agree to blind dates or like like okay sorry okay this is like a work I need I need help on this but like my idea is basically starting the text in a way of being like am I hey like you should know who this is unless you give out your number a lot you know like kind of being like this is how we met

I don't think we need a negum okay well that's I'm out then for sharks i'm out that was the only idea you is it no i just believe in negging is it is it crazy person is it crazy she he no he's seen her i think she sends a picture of herself to him you know who this is i love that you know what i look like but i don't know what you look like yeah yeah be like at this point only one of us is going into the date blind so and my friends think you're very pretty or something i heard you're cute i want to see

i like that i like that send a picture of herself some little like cute little like selfie maybe she's out there shopping there There's a beautiful ocean in the background. Maybe she's having a morning coffee. I'm sure she has a selfie. But it's not like a glam, like a mirror giving the duck face, but more like she's out in the morning drinking coffee, having a beautiful morning. And it's more like she's taking an in the moment selfie where she looks good. And then she sends it and kind of refers to just out here enjoying my beautiful coffee. What if she doesn't drink coffee? Whatever.

Just out here enjoying my beautiful coffee. Do we not need to provide context as to why she's sending a photo of herself? No. Okay. All right. So I'm stupid. Back to the original plan. I of herself? No. Okay. All right. So I'm stupid. Back to the original plan. I heard you're cute.

I want to see. I heard you're cute. I want to see. Yeah. My friend said you're cute. Prove it. Well, you've gotten to see my picture. Send one.

Here's another one. I'm going to give her options. Yeah. I heard you're cute. Let me see. That's... Too aggressive? yeah i heard you're cute let me see that's that's too too aggressive he's in the navy something about the tone of your voice that is like delightful i heard you're cute let me see you're pitching flirting text throwing a wink face emoji or whatever oh i don't know i don't know why I'm typing this out. She can listen to this. Um,

or today, right now, really? I think, okay. My pitch would be pretty unfair for one of us for only one of us to be going into this date blind. Like my friend said,

you were cute. Prove it. Okay. And then it's already assuming there's a date. It's confident. Okay. Do that. I like that.

Love that. I feel like saying prove it is like light nagging. Like that's what I think of. I like that. I like that better Love that. I feel like saying prove it is like light nagging. Like that's what I think of. I like that. I like that better than I want to see. That's not nagging. That's more of a challenge. I heard you sucked or something like that.

Or I heard you're not good at this. Or I heard like. What was your original idea? That we deemed too aggressive? It was a criticism of some kind. Ellie, it was like, I'm not sure how many girls you give your numbers. Like, hey. You're calling him a fuck boy. Oh, yeah. It's like, it's a little aggressive. some kind oh it was like i'm not sure how many girls you give your numbers like yeah like hey it's calling him a fuck boy it's oh yeah yeah it's like it's a little aggressive ali ali says

that we should do the winky face not an emoji i agree with that there is never that's actually what i meant okay nick's translation okay but yes i agree Not the actual emoji. Yes. The semicolon. Yes. In parenthesis. Whatever. Or if you're saying my friend said you're cute, prove it. I think also a smiley face could be allowed. Yeah.

I'm not setting. Oh, you want a smiley face or a wink? I want a wink. I want a wink. I think, dare I say, I don't think we need either. Yeah. If we do prove it, I don't think you need either. Yeah.

Okay. Two on the nose. None. None. Up to Amy, though. Yeah. we need either yeah if we do prove it i don't think you need either yeah okay yeah no no none up up to amy though yeah yeah whatever you want to do amy yeah so she sends a cute little selfie okay ally says you need a winky prove it is too aggro like me when i'm drunk no one likes me the ally i like you when you're drunk no but if she's smiling if she sends a cute selfie where she's smiling and looking a little like fun and sassy that's you don't need the wink face up to you Amy

yeah up to you yeah there's not a lot of instances where someone says prove it and they mean it like in a very like I'm actually testing you yeah unless we're in court yeah like court or like a like a karate tournament like yeah or like a like a karate tournament like yeah or like you led with i think you're lying prove it yeah it was one of the i couldn't i couldn't get it out of my brain right so all right so sen's picture what is what's the what's the

final pretty unfair for only one of us to go into this date blind my friend said you're cute prove it great and i love the assumptive close that's what i'm saying you're already you're suggesting the date's already happening the date is happening that's what i'm saying there we go love it wow oh my god tell us how it goes yeah amazing please do and also i think because there is such a pushback against online dating a lot of people find it very taxing generally the worst set your friends. I love that they did this. Those are great friends. Set your friends up.

You can go by Nick's guidelines of, you know. I'm all for doing it, but just, you know, be objective. Just because your friend's amazing and you love everything about her just doesn't necessarily mean that she's right for him. And vice versa. I think women are sometimes really great friends at the at the disadvantage of their matchmaking abilities i am curious like i wish that they were on the call with us because i'm curious like were these friends

were they dating someone like did they not see him and think like i want him like what made them be like i'm gonna be selfless here he's hot but i want him like what made them be like i'm gonna be selfless here he's hot but i want him for my friend i'm assuming they're in relationship i don't know they didn't say well if they're not red flag why because why aren't they pursuing him because if sometimes you're like oh you're not my type but i know you're my friend's type well then we're getting into muddy waters why aren't they their type at some point hot is hot yes no and you can't argue not even at some point hot is hot but energetically energetically like if someone seems like like if there's someone like i have friends who are like a lot more kind of like quiet and like air on the side of like sweetheart as opposed to neg

you know and so there's plenty of people where i'm like you're you're lovely you seem very polite i think i would be too much for you and i would like to introduce you to my more adaptable and palatable friend i think most friends are not that selfless at the end of the day when it comes to their own love lives listen not all red flags turn out to be disasters disasters or call them yellow flag i don't know but i'm just saying it is it is something to give you pause if your single friends are setting you up with someone that they had a chance at proceed with caution there's something i hope this works out because this is an awesome story i know like she's stationed there so does that mean that she's not going to be there forever like if they fall in love what happens then they'll have to call up

and ask Nick and ask about like long distance dating oh my god Amy if you listen to this and this works out you have to call in yes please do

we would love to hear from you with your friend even is her real name Amy no I just thought Army Amy Army Amy there it is

alright great well I think we did it well be sure to tune in tomorrow we're breaking down the new batch of episodes that dropped just past Friday if you haven't checked out the Izzy episode which is a interview

with Izzy from all things episodes one through seven and then we have love is blind we got golden bachelor bachelor in paradise breaking it all down tomorrow on reality recap and then we have uh love is blind we got golden bachelor bachelor in paradise breaking it all down tomorrow on reality recap and then on thursday's episode of going deeper we have heather from house lies of orange county the final reunion episode is on wednesday and heather drops on thursday so yay for us for getting the scoop so wild and wacky week ahead of y'all. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send

those questions at AskNickAtTheVileFiles.com. If you're missing out on those updates, just remember we have, I think, 14 episodes of updates behind Vile Files Plus. So, if you are thirsting for more updates for some of your favorite Ask Nick calls, your texting office hours, mediations, all of those. Check them out behind Vile Files Plus. Also, we're recapping Vanderpump. We're wrapping up Season 2, so follow along with us behind Vile Files Plus.

It's really been fun doing that because we're really getting kind of a history lesson in Vanderpump. And there's a lot of callbacks, and it's really wacky. It really makes me that much more excited for season 11 absolutely yeah so check that out let's go to vilefiles.com it's free to sign up you get a seven-day free trial so do that all right let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going hi i'm zo. I'm 30 and I need help deciding if I should break up with my boyfriend. Okay. Is this an active situation?

A little bit. Don't worry. We have an active situation. All right. So, you know, you're currently dating him, yeah? And you're currently deciding if you should not date him. Right. We're long distance.

Okay. And I think it just feels like every time we see each other, there's like an event and families involved and our families are friends. And every time it just feels like this is the worst possible time to break up with someone if I do feel that way. There is never a good time to break up with someone. You know what I'm saying? There's not a better time or a worse time. And you've heard me say this, I'm sure, that when you break up with someone, you have to do the selfless thing, which is to allow them to hate you if they so choose. And unfortunately, you know, when you break up with someone, you're going to be the villain in their story.

And you might be the villain in their friend's stories, you know, in their family's stories. And that sucks. And we hate that. That's just kind of part of it is that more than anything what's holding you back is the worrying about hurting him and the fallout or are there things about the relationship that you are still wondering boy am i really willing to give this up yeah um i think both i think it's like equal parts how long long you been dating six months six months, okay What do you enjoy about the relationship? He's just like the kindest person I've ever dated the kindest person you've ever dated Pretty that's a that's a profound statement. It's true I mean, there's definitely not as like selfless people as we would hope in the world

I would think. And I just feel like he always thinks about me first, which is really nice and is like willing to kind of like make sacrifices. And it sounds like the bare minimum, but I think the bare minimum doesn't happen as often as it should. Well, I don't know if always being put first is the bare minimum, you know? That's true. I think like all of my friends and family have been like, oh, like this is the kind of guy you marry. Like he's so stable and he makes me feel really safe. Like I know you talk about that a lot. Yeah. I'm just not sure if we're totally compatible

long-term just because he is like a small town guy. He works in construction. He needs to be there. I live in a big city. We're like an hour flight from each other. And I don't know if I'm done traveling and like seeing the world. And that's just not really possible for him. And I feel like I would be giving up that to pursue this relationship. I maybe maybe not have you spoken with him about this yes what those conversations go like how do those conversations go he wants to figure something out he's like maybe i can take a leave of absence for a couple of weeks or a month but i feel like i just want someone who's a little bit more fluid and doesn't need to be so rigid with like i have to be back for work which i understand i just have a job that happens to be able to be

remote and so what exactly are you looking to do and i guess my question is because here here's what i'm hearing i'm dating a guy who's like literally the nicest fucking person in the world makes me a priority like all the time he does more than the bare minimum he's super understanding he makes me feel safe my friends and family fucking love him but right now i just want to travel a bit more i have some flexibility in my job and i there's some things i want to do but i'm just wondering why do you need to like cut this person out of your life to meet these goals you've only been dating this guy for six months. All right. So like, no one needs to like be family planning anytime soon. And I am just wondering why you can't have maybe a slow burner relationship with this guy that, you know, maybe even go live in another place for

like three or four months. There's FaceTime, there's Zoom, there's ways that you can travel. And yeah, maybe you will see each other intermittently. You won't be playing house. You won't be sleeping over each other's houses five, six days a week. But if you really wanted to make this work, I feel like you could, which leads to my next question. Is it compatibility? Or is it just one of those things where you're, despite your family saying they're great and you saying they're nice nice and you're just internalizing being like, there's just something I'm missing or whatever that thing is. And you want that spark and you want that bad boy. I don't, I don't know.

And you're using the long distance and you wanting to travel is a bit of an excuse to make yourself feel a little bit better. Yeah. That's also what I'm wondering. But it also feels like something's missing. And I don't know if I'm wrong for saying that or I'm too picky and not focusing on the right things. But all right, well, what do you think is missing? Let's try to figure it out. I think that I really am attracted to more like cerebral people, intellectual people. I feel like he's just a little bit more basic,

but you know, to your point that you've made before, he does try, like he always tries to learn new things. And I'm like, I don't know. There's just certain things that I'm like, oh, I wish that he like, what? I mean, he's never traveled outside the U S and he doesn't, he's just very small town. Like, I don't know how else to kind of like I hear you and I don't know those things can evolve you know type of thing you know people can be cultured you know he's never going to be some sort of city slicker city boy sophisticated cultured guy you know he's always going to be he's always going to be your country boy if you stay with this guy type of thing.

But he can expand his horizons, so to speak. You guys could strike that balance. I think about and talk about and have a lot of interest in things that Natalie doesn't give a fuck about. And there's a lot of things that we have a similar interest in.

In a perfect world would i love natalie to give a shit about every stupid thing that i want to just run by her and get in the weeds about all those things yeah it would but like i also have friends for that you know i agree with you on like from a mind perspective i agree with you but have you ever felt like when you're with someone, something's just like a little bit off? Sure. But I just didn't date them for six months and I didn't say things like I've never felt more safe, you know, with those people. How's the sex? It's good. I mean, he cares about me like he really does. Listen, I mean, at the end of the day, you're going to have to do what's

in your gut. I don't know if you have to make a decision, I guess is my point. I think what's, well, you've only been dating for six months, right? You know, you're 30 and I don't know how you feel about your timelines and things like that. And I understand if you want to have kids, that's something women think about as they approach 30 and you feel like you don't have time to waste. But you've only been dating this guy for six months. I just think you could have a more of a slow burn relationship as long as you guys keep communicating. Like you need to be up front with about where you stand. I mean, it sounds like I'm getting the sense you feel the pressure of feeling like he is into you than more than you might be into him.

And then when you've when that's off, just feels like like guilt a little guilt and pressure it feels wrong and things like that but you can communicate that you can just say listen my feelings are with you are are moving slower but there's so much about a relationship i do love i love the way you treat me i love our sex life things like that there are things that you can say to him that will make him feel good about how you feel about him. And then you can say like, yeah, there's other areas in our relationship where, you know, this is new for me. I'm not used to it. There's aspects of you being that small time guy I love. And there's aspects about you being the small time guy. I'm like, I'm not getting used to it. I just want to be open with you about that.

And like, I wish you could travel with me. You can't, it's not the end of the world, but like, I do want to do, this is a prior for me to do, and I want to do this and I'm willing to do it alone or I'm willing to do it with friends, but like, are you okay with, you know, still investing in this relationship while I kind of, you know, for the next year, kind of selfishly travel the world. And I'd hope that you could try to maybe take a vacation here or there, but like no pressure and just keep the lines of communication open. You know, I don't know your dating history. I don't know if you have a history of kind of, you know, quitting before, you know, I don't know. Like what was the last time you really liked someone? Two years ago, but this is my first committed relationship in six years.

Okay. I mean, so is this the first guy you really liked in six years? Or I mean, I know you don't really, but like, I know you don't really like him, but you seem to have liked him the most in the past six years. I think because he is so persistent. I think what makes me feel guilty and pressured is he talks about having a family soon. And like he would propose tomorrow if I asked him to. Oh, okay. Well then you need to, you need to communicate with him that he's got to slow down. You have the right to say that it's only been six months. I'm glad he's super excited about you. That's awesome for him, you know, and maybe someday awesome for you, but you

have the right to be like, I'm just not there yet. And I move at a different pace and I have some reservations and some questions. And because of his liking you so much and him being, you know, caught up in his feelings and in the honeymoon phase, he is applying unnecessary pressure on you in this relationship. And now you feel like you have to end it because you think he's ready to propose to you. And you're like, I want to fucking like travel. And I'm not even sure if I like you as much as you like me. But yeah, if you were willing to have an honest conversation with me, I'm just not there yet. I just want to be honest with you. I don't want to throw this away, but I do feel that pressure. I'm excited about the way you feel about me. what you, you know, but I, I move a little slower and as, as great, as much as I've learned about you, there's only, it's only been six months.

We have so much more to learn about each other. And I just want to point that out. And you see how he responds. You know, this is a great opportunity to see how does he respond to disappointment and conflict? Because, you know, there's been a lot of people out there who dated someone for six, 12 months, be like, oh, he's the nicest guy. He's the prioritizes me. She's amazing. Oh, she does all these things. And then like all of a sudden, like 18 months in the relationship, you get a little sick of each other. Some problems come up and you realize they have a temper.

They don't necessarily handle disappointment well. So this could be an opportunity. Can I talk to this guy about difficult things? Can I disappoint him with some of the news I'm going to deliver? about difficult things? Can I disappoint him with some of the news I'm going to deliver? And can he handle in a way where I allow him to be disappointed, but he communicates with me and we talk through it and we find compromise? That's a huge aspect of a relationship that neither of you seem to have answers to yet. And both of you, regardless of the level that you're at, like he's on this level, like I could marry you tomorrow. You're just like, I don't even know if

I want to date you next week. But neither of you know how you guys deal with conflict and disappointment and sadness. And those are huge aspects of a relationship that people completely like forget about and wash over when they start like fantasizing about weddings and like, oh my God, I feel like we've known each other forever. And like, oh, let's talk about how many kids we want and things like that. Having no idea how they work through conflict. We have had a couple of conversations just because I've told him I'm not sure if I ever want to move to where you are. Okay. He's been very calm and just like, how can I make it easier?

Because it seems like that's our only option. Well, so there you go. I mean, that's a potential non-negotiable. And you're going to say, like, listen, what I'm saying is I don't think I ever want to. You might not be able to do anything. If someone asked me to move to Tulsa, Oklahoma, sure, it's lovely for all you Tulsa, Oklahoma people out there,

or Des Moines, Iowa, you know, I don't think that's for me. And I would really struggle. At this point, you know, I don't think that's for me. And I would really struggle. At this point, you know, Natalie and I are having a kid. If for some reason she had to move, like, I'd be like, all right, let's, I guess, try to figure it out. But I'm committed, you know, like you're not. And you have the right to say, sorry, buddy. Like if I were dating someone six months in where I was on the fence about my feelings, I'd be like, I'm no, like, no, you don't understand. There's nothing you can do. I'm not moving to Dubuque.

Right. And so I guess maybe, do you think I should just give it more time, have that conversation? I think since you're at the point that you're at, you should pull no punches in terms of how you feel. Don't sugarcoat it. Don't try to soften it. Don't use words like maybe or probably not or I'm not sure. If you are certain about a feeling, just state the feeling.

I don't see myself moving to where you live. If I'm just being totally honest, as great as you are, I just don't ever see that happening. And there's nothing any one person can do. And we're at a point in a relationship where I just can't picture that. So then maybe that is your answer. Maybe you could say like, well, inside as I am, I wish you would. And, you know, but, you know, maybe that is reason enough to break up. But as he works in construction, why can't he build houses

anywhere? So that was kind of one of the things we talked about when we first reconnected. So that was kind of one of the things we talked about when we first reconnected. We met in like elementary school. But it was kind of I kind of feel like he duped me a little bit because I kind of feel like he was like, well, let's just see what happens. Because I had these reservations about moving forward if we didn't have plans that aligned in the future. And he was just like, oh, I don't know where I'm going to end up. And now it feels like he is wanting to stay there with his family and isn't willing to move too far. Well, yeah. And that's just something you can address, you know, and say, I don't know if you have to use the word dupe. I mean, I think it's more like he was excited about you. And if it seems like his opinion has changed, he has it and he has the right to change his opinion, you know, and you have the right to change yours.

It sounds like this is a non-negotiable potentially for you, you know, like wherever you want to live for the rest of your life is a big deal. And people take that for granted when they try to pretend, you know, that love conquers all. Like, you know, like that. It's easy for him to say when he's expecting you to move. Right. He's not like that because he wouldn't do that for you. Right. So and I feel like he overlooks red flags a lot.

Like I've done a lot of emotional work and I feel like he hasn't. And when he says things sometimes i'm just like you need to go to therapy and like work on yourself and like sit with these feelings i just well i feel like anyone can benefit from therapy everyone can benefit from therapy i just him getting excited about you and I don't know, this is like, it's like immediately therapy just because he's a little caught up in his feelings. Certainly everyone can benefit from it. I just think, listen, I think it's just a tough conversation, unfortunately, right? And you're stuck dating a guy that has a lot of good to him.

I think you just need to be careful how you communicate this and not make it a you versus him or like he's doing something wrong or you're doing something wrong or it's not a right, you know, it's just getting on the same page or just recognizing that you're not, you know, through civil conversation. And then you can calmly point out, it's like, listen, like our biggest problem is I see it and not our only, but our biggest is that you don't seem to ever be willing to move. And as much, as strong as you feel about me, you're, you're, you're not willing. And I understand, but you're not willing to necessarily move for me and I'm not willing to move for you. So what do we do with that? And it's not fair for either of us to expect or to think less of the person

because they're unwilling to do that. Because you don't want to do it for me and I don't want to do it for you. And it's not because of who we are. It's just about like, you're not a city guy and I'm not a small town girl. There's a lot of good here, but like maybe we just aren't

compatible. And back to like you say, he says things, you know, makes you think he needs to deal with some feelings and through therapy. I do think it would be fair for you to say, hey, listen, as happy as it makes me feel at times to feel your excitement about us, you'd sometimes say things that make, give me pause. And I've done a lot of work on myself and it's not like you're better and he's worse or he is, but like, it makes me feel comfortable to know that we're on the same page when it comes to like our emotional, like his speed in which we move and, and, and certain things. And sometimes you, you say things like, you know, give me, give me, get me a little anxious because I'm just not there yet. And part

of it is because I'm at the point in my life where through past relationships, I used to get a little excited and then I didn't. And now I'm just more of a slower burn, you know, because I process my feelings a little bit more through, you know, therapy and things like that. And, you know, if you're open to it, like, you know, maybe that could be something you're into. Like, he's going to have to go on his own pace. But you know what I'm saying? I guess it's just, it's communication. It's being able to have to go on his own pace, but you know what I'm saying? I guess it's just, it's communication. It's, it's being able to talk about these difficult things,

these awkward things, and just stating your feelings without sugarcoating them or softening them with like words like, well, not really. And maybe in kind of, and sometimes when in reality, it's,

this is just how I feel. And it's always, or it's never, you know what I'm saying? Totally. And just talking on the other side of that before. And I definitely don't want to do that to him where it's been sugarcoated and I've been dragged on for years.

And I definitely don't want to do that. Do you think it's a conversation I can have on FaceTime? Yeah. I mean, you have a long distance relationship. So that's how these things kind of work. Yeah. I think FaceTime is totally fine. And you could just say, listen, I want to have an honest conversation with you. And I would start with the distance thing.

And then you can get into other things where it's just like, I'm just moving, again, at a slower pace. And I process my feelings a little slower. And these are the things I'm struggling with. But yeah, he is talking like he's willing to compromise, but he's not showing his willingness to compromise through his actions. And you have the right to point that out to him. And that's where you could just say, hey, listen, at the end of the day, maybe we're just not willing to compromise for each other. And that's a sign that maybe we shouldn't be together. But if we can find compromise, these are the things I'd love to work on, you know, because

these are the things that I find a priority. You find this a priority and, you know, we don't have to decide today, but I do want to be upfront about the disconnect I'm having. And let's just be honest about it and let's talk through it. And let's just not pretend that our honeymoon feelings will solve all our problems because they just won't, you know, and I want to be able to have these conversations with someone I'm dating. I think those are really good next steps versus like just breaking up because everything's not perfect. So I appreciate it. No, no problem. Thanks for calling in. But yeah, it's still early. But

yeah, this this either could be the start of breakup conversations or it'll start, you know, maybe healthier communication. Because I get where you're coming from, right? It can be very nerve wracking to be in a relationship with someone where they're just honeymoon phase central and they're just on the high and they don't want to be bothered with like realistic conversations about the future meanwhile you're just like yeah that's all great and all but like i'm not 19 anymore that's exactly how i feel so you can say that well don't say it just like that because don't you know he's like we'll figure it out babe it's like like no when well i i want to figure this out now yeah you

could say that. Like, listen, as great as we are and as great as you are, there are some things that we're just not compatible on. And like compatibility is a big deal. Like if you are miserable in a city, how happy could you be despite being happy with me? And vice versa. Yeah, exactly. If he were to move to the city and he hates it as much as you love me, if hate where you live that doesn't solve much yeah and clearly you know doesn't love you that much that he's willing to move for you right it's a good

point nor do i think he needs to be you know i i think he's i agree with he's being unrealistic not even unreal he's just he doesn't even want to be bothered with realism he's being like ultra optimistic and that's where i get frustrated i'm like so tell them that you just be like you can't say that you know and you point out because you wouldn't move for me right you're not willing to like leave your family life behind and i understand so you can't just pretend that it will figure itself out because figuring itself out in your head means eventually i'll give in and move to your small town. And I just, as I sit here now, that's not happening.

I don't see a world, if I'm being honest, where I'm going to do that. And I just need to be honest with you about that. 100%. And then, you know, say that and then go and see where it goes, okay? That's great, thank you. All right, well, keep us posted. We're dying to know. Okay. All right. Thank you all. Good's great. Thank you. All right. Well, keep us posted. We're dying to

know. Okay. All right. Thank you all. Good luck. All right. Bye-bye. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. We talk about it all the time. Therapy, super important for your mental health, for your relationship health, for your personal health. We strongly recommend that you take care of your mentals, just like you take care of your body, your diet, all of the above. And if you've ever thought about getting into therapy, you got to check out BetterHelp because what they do is make it super easy to jump in and get into therapy. You can do it right from the comfort of your home, your office, your car, doesn't matter where you are, your hotel room. BetterHelp has therapists standing by, ready to talk to you about whatever problems you want to get off your chest.

BetterHelp is working with thousands of new therapists every day to ensure that they can find a therapist that is right for you. That's such a challenge about finding therapy because not all therapists are made the same. You know, not only talent level, but just ability to connect with you. BetterHelp makes that super easy. It is more affordable than in-person therapy. And again, they just make it super easy to get started. Make your brain your friend with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Today, Tix makes getting great deals on theater

tickets effortless. What began as a revolutionary way to see Broadway shows through discounts, promotions, and digital lotteries now makes theater more accessible in markets across the world. Whether you want front row seats at the best prices or simply a fun night out, TodayTix has the ticket for you. I used to live in New York and I would use TodayTix all the time when I wanted to go see a show, when I had friends visiting and they wanted to see a Broadway show for less. Even if we didn't have an idea of what we wanted to see, the app is so easy to use. You can just just scroll through see what they have tickets for that day and just go it was so much fun and i didn't even realize that it wasn't just for broadway shows when i moved out here i kept using today ticks uh for experiences they have like walking tours food tours um museums adventures ali and i

went to knott's berry Farm together through Today Tix. It was amazing. Book your ticket months in advance or even day of. If you're feeling spontaneous, Today Tix gives you access to exclusive pre-sales, limited time offers,

digital lottery programs, to sold out shows, and day of discounted tickets. Go to todaytix.com slash Nick Viall. That's N-I-C-K-V-I-A-L-L and use promo's N-I-C-K-V-I-A-L-L. And use promo code N-I-C-K-V-I-A-L-L to get $20 off your first Today Tix purchase. That's promo code N-I-C-K-V-I-A-L-L at todaytix.com slash N-I-C-K-V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? I'm great. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Chloe and I'm 29.

How can we help Chloe? My boyfriend is going through a quarter life crisis and I think I'm the crisis. Okay. How's your boyfriend? He's 33 years old. Why do you think he's going through a quarter life crisis? Because he's all of a sudden deciding after five years that he doesn't know where he wants to live. He doesn't know what job he wants that he doesn't know where he wants to live. He doesn't know what job he wants. He doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship. He doesn't know if he wants children. He doesn't know if he wants to get married.

He doesn't know anything. And when did he reveal this news? Two weeks ago. Okay. Are you happy? In my personal life? Yes. Am I happy with this information? No. No. But Are you happy? In my personal life? Yes. Am I happy with this information?

No. No. But were you happy with the relationship prior to receiving this news? Yes. It was like la la land. La la land. Okay. And how did you respond to this news?

With overflowing tears and was like, okay, so should I move out or what are we doing? What did he say? No, I just don't know what I need right now. That was his exact response verbatim. Okay. And then what did you say? Okay. Do you need a hug?

I don't know. I didn't really know what to say. Okay. Have you ever felt that way before? I mean, he's not very vocal with his emotions or anything. He's a very kind of quiet, emotional guy.

So when he said it, I was just shocked. And I was like, okay, is this, is this a personal attack towards me? What is this? And he just said,

I don't know. And that was the last time you talked about it. Yeah. Essentially. He hasn't really said anything since we went on like a weekend getaway to amp things up and try and get the love back and it seems like it's worked because he's very happy but i have no idea if this is all just a friend or i don't know gotcha okay do you have any sense of like what provoked him saying that to you? Like it's surely potentially something that's been like brewing for a while. But you know, like why then did he drop it on you?

I mean, when you're in a relationship for so long, like five years is a very long time. You can get very like roommatey at one point or another. And I feel like we aren't like super intimate anymore. We do everything else other than just like literally having sex. So I feel like as a man who, you know, they're like innate hunters, like, I feel like he wants to, you know, get physical. And I feel like because I haven't given that to him, it's just kind of like fizzled into this. Maybe I don't know, maybe I'm making this up. Well, I don't know. Maybe I'm making this up. Well, I don't, I don't know.

I mean, I doubt you're making up that you guys weren't having a ton of sex. Yeah, I guess. Were you satisfied with your sex life? I was okay with it, but I just have recently gone off birth control and it's like really put my hormones out of whack. So I just don't have a sex drive anymore, but I don't know. We still like make out all the time and like, we're still like relatively physical. We just don't have a sex drive anymore but i don't know we still like make out all the time and like we're still like relatively physical we just don't like you know how long has your sex life been kind of like six months okay ish is that a long time longer when i say it out loud but i mean i don't know depends you know have you guys talked about that or you just pretend it's

not a big deal kind of just pretend it's not a big deal no that's not great other than when he says man like sometimes i just want you to suck my dick and i'm like whoa exactly you know you know sometimes you know we just don't you ever just i get it want something from him i get it yeah i guess so you're right i mean i'm but no i'm joking around i haven't really talked about it okay so yeah that's that's Don't you ever just want something from him? I get it. Yeah, I guess. Oh, you're right. I mean, I'm joking around. We haven't really talked about it. Okay. So, yeah, that's you guys' problem. You know, you're not really communicating.

You are just, sounds like you guys have really settled into a very comfortable and dull roommate situation. Yeah. You know, he's only 33. You're only 29, you know he's only 33 you're only 29 you know and you got you're yeah well that's i know it feels old to you it's the oldest you've ever been but trust me when i say you will miss 29 and yeah 33 is not that old it's certainly 29 isn't like you're in a relationship for five years you guys get real fucking comfortable it doesn't sound like you guys prioritize

your connection and you do what most people do it doesn't sound like you guys prioritize your connection and you do what most people do it's just like all right we're good let's prioritize i don't know work and other things we want to do and travel and friends like we're good we don't we're good we don't need to do anything totally and then all of a sudden you know and you are good you know you get along you like to. You don't mind each other. You're pleasant around each other. You like the same shows. Everything is fine.

But you're not staying connected. And you can be in a relationship and not be connected. You wake up one day and feel like you're roommates. Right. Because even though you've been together and everything's been nice, you guys haven't prioritized staying connected. You haven't checked in with each other. haven't like asked about how each other's feelings i mean yeah he could go about it a better way to communicate his sexual needs you know in a

slightly more romantic way but like in a relationship when things change and you were once getting your needs met here you know physical touch, physical intimacy. It's part of a relationship. Excitement is part of a relationship sometimes. If you guys don't prioritize that, you know, you're going to long for it. So what can we do? First, I think you need to sit them down and say, thank you. Thank you for telling me this. I know when you told me it was a little, it was really hard to hear. I got emotional. I probably got defensive. So I just want to say like, thanks for letting me know, because it probably wasn't easy for you to say, and I love you and I want to be with you. And I couldn't be happier with this relationship. You make some points that like, I do think we haven't prioritized us.

You know, after you saying that it's made me kind of evaluate our connection and our relationship. And I do think there's things we can do. But you also, as much as I appreciate you letting me know, I don't know is not an acceptable answer as to what should we do about it. And you don't necessarily need an answer right now. But are you willing to work with me on trying to figure out an answer? I don't know. Start with couples therapy and a great place to start. I don't know.

Right. He gave that a huge eh. Well, you need to give it a huge, I don't give a fuck. Right. You're in this relationship too. You have a say. When you first started talking and you were like, he doesn't want this, he doesn't want that. I was jokingly going to be like, all right, we'll break up with him.

He might need a wake-up call. I don't think you do that now. I don't say you're threatening a breakup, but the point is he doesn't get to walk in one day and out of nowhere drop this bomb on you about like, I don't know if I want to get married. I don't want to have kids. I don't even know if I like you. I don't know what I want. And then not be willing to do anything about him. He doesn't get to say he doesn't know shit and then refuse suggestions of help. He doesn't get to do that. And you get to call him out for it. And he can kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum and say, I'm never going to do that. Well, I'm sorry, buddy. You're the one who doesn't know what the fuck they want. And we haven't done a good job of staying connected. You don't know

if you love me enough that you want to have a professional third-party person try to make our relationship stronger. Are you against making our relationship stronger? Because if you are, then maybe I need to reevaluate this relationship. At some point, though, if he keeps refusing to do anything about his concerns and he just wants to stomp his feet and kick and complain and like pout about how he's confused, then you might have to say, as sad as I am,

as much as it breaks my heart, we need to break up. Right. Yeah, I guess. Okay, yeah, you're right. Age is just a number. 33 is very young. But like,

how are you 33 years old? And all of a sudden one day you just like woke up and had this epiphany where you were like, I don't know if I want to live here. I don't want to, it's like, how does that, what? No, he didn't wake up and finally feel this. He finally told you about it or the difference, you know? So that's on him then. That's on both of you. You guys aren't good communicators. Right. At some point, like what should have happened is you could have been like, hey, babe, I'm just getting off of birth control. It is affecting my hormones. I don't feel as sexy.

My sex drive has diminished a little bit. I just want to be upfront with you about it. It's kind of awkward for me. I feel a little uncomfortably talking to you about it. But like we're in a relationship. I just want to communicate with you. I want to have sex with you. But like if you notice a difference, that's why. And then you guys could talk about still going out of your

way to still make an effort to try to still have physical intimacy. Even though you've set the expectation, it might not be quite as spicy and it might not be quite as frequent. And then, you know, you could do all the things that people do, you know, lingerie, I don't know, whatever it is, you know, you're not communicating that, you know, you're not communicating at all. Every, every once in a while he throws out, like he wishes his dick got sucked and you're like, ew, you know, that's, that's how you guys communicate about sex right now. Cheers.

So, you know, that's not good and it's not sustainable. And as happy as you are in this relationship like this was inevitable right do you feel like am i in my own la la land like because it kind of sounds like you know if you're saying maybe he was feeling this way for a while until he finally told me about it like am i just in dream world like is this something that is just eventually going to fizzle out i mean you be complacent. You might be a little comfortable with being comfortable. Like at what point do I just like, like, all right, well, this is on you as well as much as it is on me.

So it's on both of you. Yeah. Maybe you were just preoccupied. I don't know. Are you, what's, what do you do for work? You're busy with work. Where's all your energy going? Cause it's not going in to staying connected with your partner.

It's not going into your sex life. It's not going into you guys talking about your feelings. So where's all your energy going? I don't know. I work in a normal job. I'm a commercial real estate agent. I'm fine. I'm chill.

I do yoga every day. I'm a pretty chill person. And when you do yoga, do you do it by yourself? Do you do it with friends? Do you do it with him? Yeah, I do it by myself, my friends, classes. Okay, so your energy is going into yourself and your friends. What else do you do?

Describe your days. I don't know. That's literally all I do. Okay, but your energy goes somewhere. Maybe it goes into naps. I mean, we all wake up, right? And we all spend energy now that energy some people might that energy might be climbing a fucking mountain other people might

be like literally sitting on a couch doing fucking nothing playing video games but like we all spend energy prior to him dropping this bomb on you i'm just where was your energy going because it wasn't going into your relationship. Yeah. I guess I was just like, worry. I mean, my energy goes into like a lot of like, Oh, like, do I want to live in Vancouver? Like what's good for me? Like, I guess I just kept like thinking about myself. I don't like, yeah, that sounds selfish, but I just was like, I don't know, where do I want to live? Do I want to continue working here? Like, what are things that make me happy? Should I pick up a new hobby? Like, that's what I spend most of my like non-work time thinking about. Yeah. Not a lot of us in that.

No. So I don't know, maybe this is an opportunity for you to evaluate whether you want to be in this relationship. Do you want to have kids? Do you want to get married? Yeah, you do. Okay. Do you want to have kids with him? I mean, yeah, I do. I think he'd be like a great dad. What do you want out of a relationship? I mean, I don't know. Maybe you just want to have someone who will provide you kids and get out of the way. Some people. I don't know.

Right, right. I don't know what you want. I don't know. I'm just still like at loss of like, how are you in five years? Telling me last, you know, three months ago, you're like, oh, this is the ring that I thought I would like that. I'm thinking about getting you. And then, oh, my God, I think if we had kids, I'd want to name them. When was that conversation? That was like two months ago, three months ago.

Okay. It's a bit abrupt, but feelings change. It's not that crazy. I don't know. Like sometimes we say things because we think we're going to say it. And maybe he was thinking all these things. And then maybe he had a gut check with himself and his body said, well, you guys aren't all that connected. I don't know. Like, you guys don't talk about your future together all that much, it seems like.

And you're not really taught. You're thinking about where should I live? He's talking about rings and you're like, do I want to live in British Columbia? You know? At what point do we think men just want to break up without saying let's break up because that's also where my mind goes i'm like maybe he's just like i don't know what i want and like i'm just hoping that you jump shit so that i don't have to do it do you know what i mean i do but

i don't know the answer why don't you just ask him okay nick i'm just saying like you know it's not a guy thing you know it feel like men don't express feelings as you two don't express feelings this is not a guy thing this is your relationship right you know your relationship you know I'm not saying one's better than the worst

but I'm saying the way you're describing your relationship with your partner is very different than my relationship with mine that's amazing I love that. But we talk about us a lot. And we talk about things that we want to do a lot. And we talk about challenges that we have a lot. And when we have had challenges, we've committed to trying to tackle those challenges. When we have challenges, we've made that challenge a priority above all other things.

Because at the end of the day, we've decided we want to be together and we wanted to start a family together. You know, we've had some really serious fucking challenges. But when those challenges came, we were like, no, fuck that. But we still want to be together. Now, right now, you guys have a challenge.

And maybe that challenge is he doesn't really know. But it's someone, and maybe if you want to be in this relationship, it needs to be you, and use this as an opportunity. And instead of thinking about, is he going to break up with me and try to figure out his feelings, all you have to figure out is, clearly, we're not connected. Hey, let's just throw it out there. We haven't been physically intimate. My sex drive has been affected. We haven't talked about that. I wasn't upfront with you about that.

I would love us to be more connected. What you said made me think a lot of think about how I feel about these things. But after thinking about it, I just want to say, I want to be with you, and I want to have a family with you, and I think you'd be a great father, and I want to have a family with you and i think you'd be a great father and i want to have a closer relation with you i want to do more fun things i want to put energy in and to making sure that as much as we can and you know you can only do so much that we keep that fire going that we keep that spark or whatever it is that we go out of our way to keep it fun and exciting and i don't know what that is for you guys you know other couple you know you know roll i don't fucking know and maybe it is travel yeah i get it but like you you just make it a priority and then when he says like well i'm never gonna do therapy all right fine maybe not therapy but what do you want to do because i don't know is not a solution and then

he doesn't get to just you know next week be like you know what i was just having a bad week he doesn't get to do that you know he said some serious shit right and and some valid shit the more i talk to you it sounds like he had every reason to start feeling the way he did because you guys were connected you were just roommates he's 33 years old and he's thinking is this the rest of my fucking life yeah that's what he said you know he was thinking about that oh god and as he should because you're just like out there being like where do i'm gonna go to yoga with the girls and i'm gonna think about if i'm gonna live in british columbia and by the way we're not having sex tonight tomorrow or the next day

sick and there's a million ways to stay connected and have nothing to do with physical intimacy you know but it's it's the fact that you guys just never talked about it. You didn't even acknowledge it. Do you feel like it's like too late to have now? Never too late to talk about, are you in a relationship with them? Yeah. Then it's not too late. You can always start talking. You can always start communicating. You both can acknowledge things that you didn't do in the past that you want to do in the future to make your relationship better you know yeah you can reprioritize each other people renew their marriage vows all the time you know it's a thing true you know if it was 1930 you guys would be married already you didn't have kids but it's night it's 220 it's 2023 you decided to skip the wedding you just moved in you've been playing house and you're a fucking married couple without the fucking title you know right the only

difference between now and a married couple is like it's easier to break up you know but if i know if you want to make each other a priority you can always reset things and you can always turn things around but he's got to be willing to do it too it can't just be you he doesn't just get to complain and then do nothing about it right Right. Like in your opinion, what are, I guess, some signs that I should look out for if it is something that is just like, it's dying and it's done and there's no point in even continuing to try and connect? I would start by opening up these lines of communication by saying, hey, listen, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what you said to me the other week, and I want to use this as an opportunity for us.

It freaked me out. Certainly, I got emotional. It was scary to hear. I didn't like hearing it. Certainly, made me feel insecure, but at the end of the day, I love you, and I want to be with you, and I want to feel more connected to you

and acknowledge the things that you need to acknowledge. Where have you been self-centered, or where have you been selfish? What are things that you want to try to do to bring to the table as a we and an us thing? Talk about the lack of physical intimacy. Be like, hey, listen, I'm not going to apologize for not wanting to have sex, but I should have brought this up to you sooner. I should have talked to you about it. And we should have figured out solutions to work around it. And you guys could have figured out solutions to like work around it. And you guys could have figured out times and have find that romance.

He has the right to, you know, express to you a desire for more physical intimacy. He needs to do that by not saying things like, okay, he's a good dick sucker right now, but he's a fucking dude. And some guys, guys are awkward and they say shit, whatever. And, you know, he's allowed to joke. But if he wants to be serious about it he needs to sit down and be like babe i just like fuck i miss being intimate with you and i you know and hold hands more how do you guys hold hands a lot well we used to but like yeah it's just gotten so comfortable that you should hold hands wherever you go hold hands do we know that got it i'm just

saying do you want to be connected to your partner or you're not like i don't know yeah it's true you're 29 years old and i think you're super young you don't think you are do you think you have time to waste to play house with a guy you don't even want to hold hands with like no so and here's the thing you think he great. So you could break up with him and he could break up with you and you guys could both date new people. But if you guys still continue to be the same people that you both are and treat relationships

the same way you both treat them now, that same thing will happen four or five years from now. And maybe you can point that out to him. Okay, true. Got it. I guess it's just hard because all my girlfriends out there are like, well, if he says, I don't know about you once, then like, you don't need that in your life, like dump his ass. And it's like so hard not to like, fall into that. the balls in his court you guys can talk and find some compromises you can insist on therapy you

know i'm not saying therapy is the only way to do it you know start holding you know but like it's a commitment from both of you to say i'm committed to try to work on the things that we've let slip but if he's like i don't know i don't know no therapy fuck this i don't know and he just keeps pouting and keeps saying i don't know then yes break up with him okay and you saying, I don't know, then yes, break up with them. And you say, listen, I don't want to do this. This is, this breaks my heart, but you are giving me nothing to work with. So then I, I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who just wants to complain and do nothing about it. Totally. And you know, you'll probably wake up. Yeah. After I'm gone. Probably. And I'll be moved on. Yeah. Well, you know, maybe just scare them a little bit first.

will be moved on. Yeah. Well, you know, maybe just scare him a little bit first. Is that a reliable tactic? Sometimes, yeah. Like make it real. Scary, like make it real.

Yeah. You guys are very comfortable with each other. You guys take each other for granted. You both think the other person just won't going to be gone.

And when he wakes up one day and you're not there, he will very much reevaluate just like how much of a big deal that is or not. Because right now he doesn't visualize it. No, I don't think he visualizes anything. Like he couldn't possibly visualize not even living in this apartment that we've lived in for four years. I mean, yeah, he has the right to feel the way he does, but you have the right to have your feelings. You both, if you want to be in this relationship,

need to actually take care of the relationship. You guys aren't taking care of the relationship. You're taking care of yourselves while just sitting in a relationship. Right. It didn't, like, it must be normal for couples to be together for this long

and go through this phase. Totally. Right? Yeah. I think most couples don't, you know, three, four or five years in a relationship

say i want to we have to prioritize us every day yeah most people are like oh we're good let's just keep doing yeah we're fine we're fine i'm gonna go do my other things we're good yeah yeah relationship's supposed to be easy i don't want to work i don't want to have to you know relationships take fucking work man especially long-term ones there's you know that's what he thinks he's like oh i just i don't know like everything should just be all good and i'm like what planet well that's where you might need to scare the shit out of them you know well you just be like it's not i don't know what to tell you don't even negotiate with them just treat it as dumb as it sounds who and where show me the couple that's been together and all over each other that's been

together for 10 years has an amazing relationship they have great sex they're super affectionate they speak super highly each other and show me that couple that doesn't work super fucking hard at that true and that doesn't exist it doesn't exist so the plan is to sit them down just be honest with them acknowledge the shortcomings that you've both played in this relationship being what it is now, just kind of this stale roommate-y situation, and then state your desire to try to fix it and ask for his support in that and ask him to be a part of that and ask him to join you into recommitting to this relationship. and ask him to join you into recommitting to this relationship. And if he gives you the,

I don't know, and I don't know if I can do that. And he comes from a me, me, me, me, me point. And I don't know what I want. And I don't know if I can do this. And I'm not sure this is right for me. Then you say, then I think we should break up because I'm not going to be in a relationship where someone's not willing to every day wake up and choose me and choose us and fight for this relationship because I am. I don't think we've done a good job of that. I think we've failed each other in this relationship so far. And the good news is I'm still really happy with you and I still love you. So like, you know, we have a great thing going here. We're lucky, you know?

It's true. Yeah. So like, you know, balls in your court, bud. So man up or get out. true facts all right got it all right well uh we'd love an update okay so we will definitely be checking in with you perfect so we're gonna try to hold you accountable and if he would love to join you on that next one for a nice little mediation i would love to yell at him too oh perfect i don't even love that it's like we're not gonna do therapy at least go on this fucking podcast it's anonymous you know at least listen to nick vile tell me that's some fun

i'm gonna loosen up if he wants to do something crazy before he ruins this great relationship and starts like deciding he just wants to fuck somebody else you know or whatever right uh maybe he's just going to podcast or something totally agree couldn't agree more yeah he listens to yours too all right yeah and i'm like okay great open invite okay well all right love it all right well good luck keep us posted thank you i appreciate you all right you too bye-bye. Bye. Bye. ZocDoc. Hey, you need a doctor.

You need it now. You need to have them cover your insurance. Well, look no further than ZocDoc. ZocDoc is here to save the day because they will help you find a doctor that is patient reviewed, available within 48 hours, and takes your insurance. That's what ZocDoc is all about. They make it super easy and convenient to find the healthcare that you need when you need it at an affordable price with a doctor you can trust, and it takes your insurance. Respectfully, when was the last time you went for the dentist?

When was the last time you went for a cleaning? Yeah. The first thing I did when I needed a dentist appointment was go on ZocDoc. I found this amazing doctor, shout out to Dr. Russell Jacinto, who had awesome patient reviews, and I've had such a positive experience with her. ZocDoc is a free app where you can find amazing doctors and book appointments online. We're talking about booking appointments with thousands of top-rated patient review doctors and specialists you can filter specifically for the ones that take your insurance, are located near you, and treat almost any condition under the sun. Go to ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L

and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That is Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L. ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L. No matter what moves you made last year, TurboTax experts make them count. Did you say no to a big wedding and a lope at the county courthouse? Well, that's a move.

Did you go back to school and get your degree? That is a move. Did you relocate for a fresh start? That is literally a move. Maybe you moved into a houseboat instead of a house house, or switched gears from rideshare driving to video game streaming, or rode the stock market to the moon and back turbo tax experts make all your moves count getting you every credit and

deduction you deserve filing with 100 accuracy and getting your max refund guaranteed switch to turbo tax make your moves will make them count see guarantee guarantee details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live. How's it going? Good, good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Paul, and I am 27 years old, and I'm trying to figure out how to save my relationship after cheating. Okay. All right. Well, thank you for calling in. Probably not easy to do. Tell us a little bit about this relationship. Are you married? Are you dating? Engage? How long you've been dating? Give us a quick, the short history of the relationship.

We started dating a little over a year and a half ago. The first year we were living separately, and right at the year mark, we moved across the country and moved in together and i was caught cheating like a month before we moved in together okay and how so how long ago was this that was eight months ago okay and then she caught you she caught me in january how did she catch you like caught you caught you or like She saw a notification on my phone. Okay. And what was the context of that relationship? Was it physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, both? Was it going on for a long time? I had a porn Twitter account, like a backup account that I had from forever ago.

And like, I only ever used it in like a porn context. And, you know, I got a message from a porn star, content creator, whatever you want to call want to call them okay and i just messaged him back and then she saw one of those messages so like it wasn't like an emotional thing you know like and i admit like i made a stupid decision i just like acted on like my like impulses and you know got caught up in it gotcha so you didn't have sex with anyone no absolutely not okay not. Okay. Okay, well. Resolved. Better. Well, you know, I don't know.

So to my knowledge, or for what you're saying is, you had this other account, you were watching some porn, this creator reached out, probably trying to solicit you subscribing to their OnlyFans or whatever the fuck. You got caught up in it. You responded back. How many messages were sent back and forth? It was only over the course of two days. So not very many.

Was there some like sexting? Was she like a baby, whatever you make me so hard and you were like, you're so hot. Or was it just like, yeah, it was like mild sexting like at most. And like,

it wasn't like a, you know, even a full conversation. It was just like a couple messages throughout like a two-day span okay and then she caught you and then how what like in the moments that followed like how did you guys i mean it seems like at least in the short run you resolved it because you still moved in with each other so what was the conversation that fought like the days that followed what how did you guys talk through it? It was, you know, I definitely dropped the ball.

You know, I was embarrassed and like I knew what I did was wrong and definitely didn't do the right thing. And I kind of just wanted to make it go away and didn't want to talk about it. And I was pretty selfish about that. And I was like, it doesn't matter. Like, I'm sorry, like it won't happen again. Like, that's kind of like what I wanted out of it. So it was kind of, yeah. I mean, we've all been we've all been there right this like whatever it's not a bit you almost try you probably try to downplay it you know that's nothing it's not a big deal i didn't

know what's not really you know just move on i'm sorry i fucked up you know stuff like that basically yeah we had like a like a week to you know two weeks of like face apart okay and then you know she came back and we kind of like talked about it a little bit, but he was like, Hey, I just really don't want to talk about this. Like I'm super embarrassed. Like I feel terrible.

Like don't ever want to talk about it again. Like that's just put it behind us was kind of my outlook on it. Okay. Yeah. And then how did she handle that? Things kind of just went back to normal. Like you could definitely tell it was like awkward and like our sex life was like definitely weird from that and like there wasn't any like dramatic like oh no this is like

gonna break up like we dated for eight more months after okay so you tried to forget it ever happened and she you know essentially complied or you know for at least temporarily but the unsaid thing wasn't being said and it you guys felt that energy it affected your sex life a little bit i'm guessing she never really let it go and it allowed her to ruminate and ruminate over the course of eight months and it sounds like that's kind of where we're at now and as she like threatening to leave like is this bring is this coming back up now like why do you feel like your relationship is in need of being saving so we moved in together moved across the country okay and she had a job lined up so you know she was the bread earner while i struggled for four months to find anything that was you know not mcdonald's or

walmart and like i really couldn't find a career. And then, so we, we fought nonstop about just looking for a job and finding stuff. And then I finally found something and it seemed great on the surface, you know, like they offered, uh, you know, a company house that we could live in for free. And now we just moved into this place. We were only there for like four months and I'm like, Hey, we got to move out of the apartment and move into this like giant house for free. Now we've moved twice in six months. And then after there for two months, it was the worst job I've ever had. And then randomly the management of the company decided to let me, my assistant managers and like all of my supervisors,

they just fired us all without any warning. And we had to like move out of the house. And then she said, Hey, I want to get my own place. And I think we need some time apart. And how recent was that? That was about a month ago. And then I had no other options. So I packed up and drove across the country. And I'm living with mom and dad right now.

And when was the last time you talked to her? So like that first couple of weeks, like I definitely wanted to give her space and stuff. And so like we didn't talk too much. And then like things started getting better. And like we actually had a couple like normal Faceetime conversations and like i felt some progress and then last week uh she pretty much said like i like don't want to talk to you and you haven't talked to her in a week she called me yesterday because i got a i put her down as an emergency contact there for an apartment and the landlord called her so she was like upset that i'm like coming back already so you okay she called you to yell at you well i don't know do you i mean do you

feel like it can be saved i i truly do and like this is somebody like i actually like want to marry this girl like i messed up and like i know that was like a big mistake and i take full responsibility for that and unfortunately like i just didn't communicate properly and it just like ate away at us over the next six months and then while we lived together it was just like we became roommates and like we lost that yeah that connection yeah that's the thing you know going on our weekly dates yeah we didn't do anything like we had no sex life you stayed together but you lost the connection and a relationship is really is only as strong as as as the connection and how you guys were staying connected and we're not staying connected so yeah yeah that's kind of how you become roommates you

know and unfortunately i think that job actually was more detrimental to the relationship than like the actual cheating i i me working nights and we never saw each other. From what just, I'm just basing off what you're telling me, it sounded like it was like a cherry on top, so to speak. Yeah. Because in my head, what I'm hearing is, all right, you did this thing, you fucked up. I don't want to say it's not a big deal.

It is a big deal. You fucked up. You shouldn't do that. But your biggest crime is how you handled it and kind of bulldozed through like a chance to heal and like and allow you both to work through whatever she was feeling and talk through it and allow her to say what her piece and you know sometimes people like this will happen and people partners will overreact and be like you have a sex addiction and you got to go get fucking therapy because

you looked at fucking porn it's just like a lot of guys look at porn, but it was just the, you just didn't let her talk about it. Right. And so then you guys get disconnected. It affected your sex life. You're entering that, oh, we're roommates now. Then any other frustration that she's going to feel is this going to compound, right? So then you were struggling with work. She's working. that she's going to feel is this going to compound, right? So then you were struggling with work. She's working. You're not.

There's a frustrating piece there in any relationship. And regardless of you trying or not, it's just like she had already reasons to be mad at you. So yeah. And then, yeah, you fucking move into a house. You lose your job. She had to relocate. And she probably saw that as a sign of a fresh start. So why do you think it could be saved?

I mean, despite you having regrets and you loving her, why do you think it can be saved? I know that she genuinely loves me and like I am like in love with her. Like I would I would do anything for her. I love her family. Her family like, you know, loves me. My family loves her. Like I see an actual fit here. Have you ever said to her what you're saying to us? Have you ever apologized to her

sincerely? Not like in a reaction, like right after she looks, I don't want to talk to you, but like a genuine, sincere, that makes it sound like you've really thought about it and apologize for not allowing her the opportunity to even really be mad at you for what you did and not give the relationship a chance to work through your fuck up i've only done that like in the last couple weeks okay like since i how did you say therapy and pretty much just that i was like i fucked up and like i i truly am like sorry for what i did and like i regret it every day and like worst of all like just not allowing you know us to talk about it. You recommend again, therapy. And I said like, that's stupid. I don't want to talk to some like nudie doctor who knows, thinks they're better

than me. Like, I don't want to do that. And I was like, let's just not talk about it again. Like the more we talk about it, the worse it's going to get. And I made that worse. Like we should have talked about it. And like, I should have taken responsibility for my actions. And you said you were in therapy now. Yes. When did you start? Six weeks ago. So before she ended things with you?

Like the next day after she ended things. Okay. If three or four months go by and she still doesn't take you back, and your opinion of your chances to get her back changed, do you think you'll stay in therapy? I don't think it's something I need forever. I mean, I just like, personally me right i just i go to therapy for like maintenance there have been other times in my life where i was like hey darlene we're coming in every every week and i

actually haven't seen her every week now there have been other times where it's just like honestly i'm busy i'm good like let's just do every other week and then sometimes i'll be like you know hey i'm busy this week but like it's's just an ongoing maintenance thing. But the reason I asked that question is right now you're doing very much the classic, you're stepping up when it's too late. And there's a million women out there and even men, but I feel like this is something men are more guilty of. And I feel like women experience this more in relationships where they will beg and they'll plead and they'll try and they'll try and they'll get shot down and they'll be told therapy's stupid or whatever you know all their ideas of trying to be more connected are shot down

then they finally say fuck off they finally get the courage to stand up for themselves because i i'm assuming it wasn't easy for her to kick you out or to say goodbye and she you know even though it was her decision i imagine she's both angry and sad right now and right now you getting into therapy only pisses her off because it wasn't until it was it's like if even, you had this in you, why the fuck couldn't it have come out before kind of thing. So right now it just seems like I'm only doing it to get you back. You know, if she were calling in and she, I was hearing her side of the story, I'd been like, Hey, right now he's doing it for you. He's not doing it for himself, you know, having not talked. And so you in therapy, like, I don't think you need therapy

because like you responded to a porn star, you know, I don't know you and I don't know what you're talking to your therapist about. I just, it's just good. Like to me, the only thing that maybe like, I think therapy, I hope helps you with is this making you more comfortable with dealing with shit, you know, dealing with your emotions so that when you do feel embarrassed and when you do fuck up and when you do feel awkward, you don't just like shut down and shut the conversation down and shut your partner down, you know, because yeah, this won't be the last time you fuck up in a relationship. You may not reply to a porn star anymore, but this won't be the last time you hurt or piss off your partner where you have to say, I'm sorry, my bad, I'm embarrassed. I have no excuse for what I did. Please forgive me. But do you want to talk about it? We can work through it. You know, how does that make you feel? This won't be the last time, whether it's with her or someone else. Like you feel this won't be the last time, whether it's with her or someone else.

And so I'm hoping that, you know, that's what you're getting out of therapy because it's not like you need a therapist to like, I mean, you're probably still watching porn, you know, whatever. So I guess what I'm saying is, I think you really have to do this for yourself. It sounds like you've said everything you can say at this point. Maybe the last thing you could say is, I'm just going to keep working on me. I'm sorry it took me so long. I shouldn't have waited. This is the biggest regret of my life and I know I may never get you back. She needs to hear, and I don't know if you've said this to her, because if you're saying things like, I know you love me and I know we can make this work and blah,

blah, blah, again, that's just going to piss her off. So you do have to do this for yourself. This has to be for you. This has to be independent of whether she takes you back. And if it truly becomes that, then maybe you will then indirectly give her the courage, rather the confidence to trust that this is legitimate, that this isn't just to get her back. I think articulating that and making her realize that you understand that because yeah, I mean, I don't know what's going to happen with her. And I truly think that if you are committed to, you know, just investing yourself right now, get your shit together, man. You know, like how old are you again uh 27 yeah you're super young you're fucking great head of hair you're a good looking guy

you know got a great beard you know my my temporary game plan is just to find that like you know good career not just like a job a career and i want to move back on there just and like i know i'm not gonna fix things tomorrow we're gonna go back to normal so i really just want to like you know go to the gym every day, stay with therapy, you know, knock out all the things I've been putting off the last six months and then just like get myself right. And then, well, that's the thing too. Exactly. You know, and you're young and life can change and I didn't get into what I'm doing now until I was in my mid thirties. So I don't know what life has in store for you. Don't get down, you know,

because you can get really down on yourself when you're struggling to find work and shit like that. And you, you know, now even sometimes you find work, you're like, I'm going to do this for the rest of my fucking life. You know,

you want to find something that you enjoy. It's like, it's a, it's a fucking struggle. So in the meantime, yeah, it sounds like you have a good plan. Work on yourself,

investing yourself, you know, really challenge yourself to be a better person. And, you know, she's asked you not to reach out to her. So you're going to have to respect that, you know, maybe find ways, you know, maybe like a letter, you know, really sitting down and wait, right. And write that letter maybe a couple of times. It's got to be sincere, you know, it can't be reactionary. And sometimes it's really hard to know the difference when you're in the state that you're in. Because when you know you fucked up and you miss someone and you're heartbroken and you're sad, it all feels the same. There's no difference between doing something for

her or doing something for yourself. She needs to believe that this is legitimate, that this new person that you claim to be trying to be has nothing to do with her. Because eventually, if she does take you back, she won't be enough because she wasn't enough when you were in the relationship. And she shouldn't be enough. We need to be enough to want to be our best selves, right? And so we need to do the work so that when we do fuck up, that we can take ownership or whatever. And yeah, our partners are there to hear us vent and give us support and give us that old attaboy and things like that. But they're not there to fix us or force us to do the work or check in and be like, did you go to therapy today? That's not our partner's job. And right now she thinks that

the only way you're going to do all the things that you're doing is if either a she reminds you or tells you or or by not taking you back type of thing so i don't know if this is the answer you wanted this is because i don't think there's any like hey go say this and she'll take you back yeah i i'd agree with that i don't think there's anything i could you know do that's just gonna fix it i think you need to have the mindset and i truly believe it to be true is that i don't know what she's going to do and i don't know if she's going to fix it. I think you need to have the mindset, and I truly believe it to be true, is that I don't know what she's going to do, and I don't know if she's going to take you back. But if you are committed to righting the wrongs

that you made in your past relationship and really just being like, listen, I just don't, like, I don't want to do that anymore. And yeah, more importantly, I don't want to handle me fucking up the same way. I don't want to make my partner feel even worse when I fuck up by not allowing them the opportunity to grieve and communicate and talk. It's like a double whammy.

And so whether it's her or the next person in my life, I'm going to do the work right now to be that partner. In the meantime, I'm also going to reevaluate my career choices. I'm going to set myself for success. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'm only 27, but I'm going to fucking work my ass off. I'm going to figure it out. And fuck man, I'm like 33, six years from now, it's a lifetime, you know, and your life could be totally different in the best possible way. And regardless of she takes you back, if you're committed to this, you will be, this will be a great thing for you.

And because she is not your girlfriend right now, she is not your priority right now. And I don't mean to say that in a crude way. You are your priority. It's your time to focus on you and what you need to do for yourself. And if she is willing to accept you back in her life, then amazing. It's not your job to take care of her anymore because she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. And that's her choice. And you have to respect that choice. And hopefully, there's a way you feel now that she'll change her mind. But regardless, you're going to do this for yourself. And that's going to make it more genuine and more real. And if she decides

not to take you back, then you will still be a better person for it. You will be super attractive to a lot of other partners. And then when you have that tough conversation with someone, if you start dating again and you go back out there and you realize, she's not going to take me back. Well, I got to move up the pieces. Because listen, I don't know, as much as you love her now and as great as she is, maybe there's a compatibility issue there. She lives in this small town. We literally just got off a call. We're talking about a similar thing. You're having a hard time finding work. Maybe you feel less fulfilled or less secure about yourself because you just can't find it and that's affecting your relationship, but she's not willing to move.

And as great as she is and as wonderful as your relationship was, maybe she's not the best one for you. I don't know. There are more than one person in my life that I thought they were it, and I thought I was going to marry them. And then when we broke up, I thought I had to fucking change the world to get them back. And I was determined to do it only to realize they're not my person. I don't know what it's going to be for you. I just want to emphasize this is about you right now. And the more you invest in yourself, the more you deal with your shit, the better you are for it.

And like I was about to say, if you do start dating and you sit down and then that inevitable conversation, did you ever cheat comes up, you can say, well, you know, yes, I'm going to tell you it was embarrassing then. It's embarrassing now, but in full transparency, I'm going to tell you what happened. And it really affected my relationship. And even worse than that, this is how I handle it. It was fucked up. I learned a lot about myself. It ultimately was why that relationship ended. And let me tell you the work I've been doing on myself. And as shitty as it was and as heartbreaking as it was for me, I'm better for it.

It was a turning point. It was a turning point in my life. And that next person will be disappointed that you cheated, but also be like, you know what? I'm just glad you did the work because I've dated a lot of fucking guys who just never were willing to do that. You're down bad right now, but I've been there before. I didn't do what you did, but like, hell, I've been in relationships where I just decided to blame myself. So I felt exactly how you feel now, where it was like, I fucked up. In every relationship,

you fuck up. I wasn't doing things she wanted me to do or this or that. And some of it were reasonable and some of it I didn't think were reasonable. But either way, I was the one who was like, I need to fix this. I need to do the work and shit like that. So you're going to be okay, I guess is my point. And this definitely can be an opportunity for you to make some real positive changes because you weren't happy, you know? And it's not necessarily her fault, but you're,

you're coming off a period of your life where that wasn't the happiest you've ever been. And it wasn't like you were, you weren't waking up every morning being like, I'm right where I want to be in my life. And so maybe this was like the world's way of shaking shit up for you, you know, cause you were kind of going nowhere fast for a period of time and you weren't doing anything about it. Yeah. I kind of just got complacent in that. Yeah, I've been there. I mean, you need to respect the space that she's requesting. If you were to send a letter at some point,

you need to make her feel like you've accepted that she's gone, and it's a goodbye letter. And you can still hold on to hope. It's a, I'm sorry I did this. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for pushing me thank you for trying to you know keep our connection going through therapy again I'm sorry I shut all those down

but through all this you know this has been a turning point in my life because well I know that you will never take me back losing you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure and losing you has finally made hardest thing I've ever had to endure. And losing you has finally made me realize that I need to get my shit together and I need to do this.

And then you need to empathize while in that letter that you saying that is going to piss her off. And then apologize for being like, I can only imagine how frustrating that might be for you to even hear that because I should have done that when you asked. But I just want to say thank you for everything. Thank you for being the best relationship I've ever had. Again, I'm sorry. Go into the specifics about the things that you make her feel known and seen and appreciated, even though it is too late. Really go into the, here's exactly what I love you and here's exactly what I'm losing. But the tone is more goodbye. The tone is not begging. The tone is not making promises.

Do you do not make one promise? There is no promise in this letter. I promise to do this if you do that. No negotiating in the letter. It is just an acknowledgement for what you didn't do. Apologies for what you've realized that you wish you would have done. Appreciation. It's like, I'm sorry and thank you. You were have done appreciation it's like i'm sorry and

thank you i'm you were right i'm going to be a better person for this i wish i didn't have to lose you for this to happen but such is life and then the ball's in her court and then you just stay committed to to this and if she really loves you and if you're right about that, some time will go by and she'll pick up the phone and she'll check in. And if not, then this wasn't meant to be, man. Yeah, that seems like a good plan.

Like I've drafted some letters, but they've all been crap. So I haven't mailed anything yet. I'm like, I don't know how to write. You don't need to know how to write. The important thing is no negotiating and no promises. When you write that letter and you read it again and write as many as you need to, you just ask yourself, do I sound apologetic?

Do I sound like I'm empathizing with the position I put her in? Do I sound appreciative for the time I had with her? And then give specifics, like Amanda said, of what you're appreciative about and why you're sorry and be be sincere but also kind of say goodbye it's a bit theatrical but it'll do the job yeah so i already know the answer but uh that you're gonna give me but do you think it'd be stupid to move back there uh i know deep down i'm like that's putting a lot of like pressure on her no are you i feel a lot of like... Pressure on her? No. Are you?

I feel like me going back there puts pressure on her. I don't think there's a clear yes or no answer. Do you think you can stay committed to this process you want to embark on and work on this personal development regardless of what she decides? If you move back there, you need to assume you'll never give her back because you might not. So I would base your decision on assuming that you probably won't get her back because otherwise you move out there, you set your expectations that, oh, it's just a matter of time, I'll get her back. I'll just kind of hover around and things like that. And then again, that's going to warp your personal development. Again, it becomes more about

getting her back. But if you liked living there, sure. But if she doesn't take you back, can you date there or can you get a job there? Things like that. You'll have to decide for yourself. I don't think there's a clear yes or no. I think you just have to really be honest with yourself when you make that decision. But you'll find your way. In the meantime, I just keep working on yourself, man, and hold yourself accountable. Be committed to being the better person. And it's not for her is the biggest takeaway. You're not doing this for her. She's not your responsibility. She's not even your priority right now. You are your priority. And that's what you have to focus on. And the more you do, that will only increase your chances of getting her

back. Sounds kind of pretty reasonable. All right, man. Well, I really appreciate you calling, man. It's always nice to hear from the men and their relationship struggles. And not that I'm glad you're going through it, but I think this is a very helpful conversation. I think there's a lot of people listening, but we'll relate to you on one way or the other. We appreciate it. And we certainly love for you to keep us updated on how things go. And if you eventually send a letter, what that letter looked like, and we'd love to check in on you and get some updates on how your journey goes, man. Awesome. Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I appreciate you, man. All right. Good luck. We'll talk soon. All right. Thanks so much. All right, buddy. Take care. All right. Take care.

Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthefilefiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow for Reality Recap, Breaking Down, Love is Blind, Bachelor in Paradise, Golden Bachelor, and Heather Dubrow on Thursday. For Going Deeper. We'll see you then.

Bye.