The Viall Files - E653 Ask Nick with Eli Rallo - My Situationship Wants Me to Take His Virginity

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. This week, we are joined by special guest Eli Rallo for relationship and dating advice. Before getting to our callers, Eli discusses her new book I Didn’t Know I Needed This, which outlines the lifespan of a relationship. She also shares her two favorite dating tips. We then get to our callers. Our first caller ran into an old friend at a wedding, and isn’t sure if she was reading his cues right, and should try and ask him out. We help her craft a message to send to him. Our second caller’s situationship/coworker asked her to take his virginity, and it went “horrifically.” She has feelings for him, and is wondering how to remedy the awkward situation, and make her feelings known to him. Our final caller’s girlfriend said “I love you” after only a few weeks of dating, and she didn’t say it back. This is her first healthy relationship, so she’s worried she won’t be sure when she’ll know she’s there.  “We love that for you.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Canva - Collaborate with Canva for Teams! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you go to Canva.me/viall.  Helix - Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to HelixSleep.com/VIALL and use code HELIXPARTNER20. This is their best offer yet and it won’t last long! With Helix, better sleep starts now. Lume - As a special offer for listeners, new customers GET $5 OFF a Lume Starter Pack with code VIALL at LumePodcast.com. That equates to over 40% off your Starter Pack when you visit LumeDeodorant.com and use code VIALL.  Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit Article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @eli.rallo @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of Genevieve and Amanda and our special guest, Eli Rallo is with us today to help answer some of our callers burning questions. Eli, how you doing? I'm so good. How are you? Thanks for coming. Very excited to have you. I'm so excited to be here. Another person who's like loves talking about relationships and dating. Yes. I was actually listening to you. I think maybe on GGE, I forget what podcast, like when I got the email from my team, like, oh, you're going to go on this podcast.

I was listening to you and thinking like, damn, he gives great advice. Oh, we'd love to hear that. Yeah. Well, first of all, you have a new book coming out. I do. And the book is called? I Didn't Know I Needed This. And what is it about?

What ways you want to write it? Like, what was your motivation? And I guess like, who is the perfect audience for this book? Sure. So it's 14 personal essays takes you through the life cycle of being in a relationship from being single to being single again. So we get all the different steps. I think the motivation was really like, I realized, especially through being on TikTok

and being on the Internet, that so many people have overcomplicated dating so, so much and have de-centered themselves entirely from dating when they are like the person that should be centered in the whole thing. And I really just saw with mostly women as well, just not really asking yourself and checking in with yourself about like, are you having a good time and are you enjoying this? It's gotten so, so, so complicated. And through kind of being on TikTok and talking about dating on TikTok and talking to my Instagram followers, I just realized that there was a need for it. So I think that it's really a great book for anybody looking to elevate their lived experience in tangible, accessible ways as it relates to our relationships. There are portions of it that are about friendship and our relationships

to ourselves, but mostly about dating. But I think while the target audience really is women like 18 to 35, like in my age range, I think anybody could read it and benefit from it just in the vein of like finding your own agency, doing things that feel good to you, choosing for you and kind of like reclaiming your own life and joy. What are some of the biggest struggles that you hear with people when it comes to dating nowadays? I think that social media and apps and also COVID have just like obfuscated everything so, so much that people aren't being direct with each other. They're not communicating. And people have just in general forgotten to ask themselves what they even want and are looking for because they're so caught up and consumed in

what that other person might want from them or how they might be perceived by that other person. I feel like we're not even asking ourselves like on a date, am I having a good time? Or like we leave a date and we don't even know if we liked the person because we were just so concerned with how they might be viewing us or what they might want. I feel like we've kind of forgotten to just like center ourselves entirely. What are your thoughts on dating apps? I've had an evolution of feelings towards them. Do you like them? No. Yeah. to i like them but i can also understand all of the detriments to them and i think at the end of the day it's kind of awkward to just be like swiping on people and like giving them like guttural instinct reactions about basically based on how they look when in reality

you might not be that picky if you're at the bar and like someone hot came up to you and started talking to you and maybe they weren't like six feet tall. And that's typically like what you would put on a dating app. Like you're not going for under six foot. And this guy's like five, 10, super funny. Like you would probably end up going out with him. But on a dating app, you're like basically saying no to all these people. Exactly. Yeah. That's what I think. That's the problem. Yeah. Right. It's just like I'm pro dating app in the sense that I, you know, I was always pro dating app a few years back because the conversations around dating apps then was like, I don't like like dating apps. Like I don't it was more of a judgment towards themselves. Yeah. Why they weren oh you met in person like you had a meet cute that's like like given a lot more like kind of almost like romantic credibility yeah which and so with that i was always very pro dating app being

like stop judging yourself your relationship doesn't care how you met things like that yeah meeting dating apps are a way to meet people totally everyone else is else is on them. So the fact that you're not, like you're not cooler than anyone else, you're just kind of missing out on meeting people. Totally. I feel like once people kind of accepted that, and then once dating apps really became mainstream and there was a lot less judgment around them,

then it became like, you ever heard of the movie Total Recall? There was actually a remake of it, but the original one was with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And in the movie Total Recall? There was actually a remake of it, but the original one was with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And in the movie Total Recall, it's like a movie about the future. It was so long ago that I think the future is now, but again, dating myself.

I do that a lot this episode. But in that movie, he is able to basically make his perfect woman in his head. And it's like a digital, like futuristic movie. And so it's like the looks and the attitude and the he's he's like they're like what do you like and he kind of makes his favorite type of partner and i feel like that's what dating apps has become yeah i think we now feel like we're entitled and have this expectation like you were saying it's just like oh what do you like

well i own i want someone who's six foot i want someone who has a certain type of sense of humor i want someone who dresses a certain type of way has a certain kind of friends curates a certain type of image or lifestyle that you know but what i like and so now we're serving up all these apps we feel like almost entitled to be that picky and we're confusing being picky or like we're confusing having standards with you know feeling like we're entitled to these like superficial, very particular characteristics. And we have this abundance of choice. So, yeah, like we're just swiping and then we just we create this like perfect person in our head that no one ever lives up to. Exactly. It's like you're taking all these

things that are just preferences and you're making them deal breakers. Yes. It's like, OK, sure, you can prefer a tall man. but if there's a dude that's like a little shorter than your usual in person and you meet him and he charms the shit out of you you're gonna go out with him then you're on the apps being like oh could never could never and it's like that guy could be amazing that person could have like literally been awesome i think that it's so true like i found that a lot also like when i was a matchmaker that there is this like real like hard and fast like they have to be the xyz kind of thing and I think so often it also stems from this place of like well my value because it would like we're you know doing this kind of like very like transactional dehumanizing yeah dating outlook and so it's like well my value is a reflection of

their value so if there aren't xyz all of these things that are valuable like then i'm clearly not like i'm not quote pretty enough to date a guy who's six feet or like whatever the equivalent is it doesn't need to be like physical and i think it's so interesting how it like is usually like this like counterproductive manifestation of insecurities that becomes like a like a form of like entitlement yeah totally i think yeah and i think dating apps they are apps that are trying to make money and so uh the people on the apps are just you know resources i don't you know and so there are serving ups you know they have algorithms and things like that and they are serving you up certain types of people that will entice you to chase yeah essentially and yeah i

do think it warps our perceptive of what we think we are entitled to. Because again, when you like the psychology behind an app, when you go on an app, the app's telling you every time they serve you up, like this is someone you could date. Exactly. The app is saying, we think there's potential here when they serve you anyone up. And so when they serve you like someone that you think is like, one up and so when they serve you like someone that you think is like wow that's the app saying but no we think you could be a match yeah and that's what you know these situationships that occur when someone match and so maybe you do match with them right maybe oh shit and that immediate

validation well and now you know we have no idea who they're talking to and then maybe it's that fuck boy who's just like yeah i'm just in my dating era you know i'm just kind of in my fuck boy era and that's how those situationships start because again we start chasing that validation that oh like well the dating app said we had potential and oh my god they're so hot and they're so charming and they made me laugh and shit like that and i think it's warping our perspective of what we think we're entitled to i think women are often complaining about like men about their height. And now I don't condone lying. I think it's silly. I also have the privileged benefit of having been six to my whole life. And I do empathize with some men who are like, do I think it's okay to lie? No. But it's gotten to the point now that men know they

won't get a date if they put 5'10". So even though they have, you know, there's this running joke of every guy who says they're six foot is really 5'10". And there's probably a lot of truth to that. But like a lot of these guys realize that like as soon as I put six foot, it drastically changed my matches. And I will just deal with the revelation of me being two inches shorter than they thought if I can get them on a date. But I can't even get them on a date if I say I'm 5'9 or 5'10. And so they're being motivated to be

slightly dishonest. And it's creating this toxic dating society. Eli, I'm so curious for you, if there is like a piece of dating advice either that you've heard or that you were able to kind of put into words in making content or writing your book that was really kind of like revolutionary for you or like you found yourself repeating or just that was like really helpful in terms of like putting it into practice? That's a really good question. God, I don't know if I want to give you like a fun one or like something more serious. Either both. Okay. I think for the fun one, when I realized that I could make plans after a first date and I could just end a first date and I could go on a great first date with a guy and then be like, hey, I got to go to my friend's birthday party. This was so much fun. Would love to see you again

and just be done. It doesn't need to be this like awkward dance afterwards of like what we're going to do. And of course, like I've done, I feel like I've done all the avenues. I've like gone home with someone. I've like been awkward. I've gone from like a dinner to a bar or a bar to another bar but I just like the idea of a first date being like two two and a half hours we have some drinks we get to know each other we do not need to be like am I in love with him like right after that that was like so helpful in reframing things like I would always make plans whether it was just grabbing a drink with a friend and just being like maybe it's a fib but hey I have a friend in a friend in town. I'm going to grab a drink with them, but this was great. Love to see you again. And I also found out that psychologically, men and women fall in love very differently. And men fall in love through the time spent apart from you when they get the chance to think about you and they don't even realize they're doing it. And women fall in love through physical intimacy and communication. So a lot of times I would confuse it and be like well if i have sex with him or if we have this deep convo he's gonna love me it's like no if i get the

fuck out of here you'll love him and he'll be like that was fine that was nice yeah but if i get the fuck out of here he's gonna go home and be like what a date like she looked great and this and that and the other thing and i want to see her again and do this other thing with her and then make him wonder if like did she leave because she was having fun or wasn't having fun yeah it's like i don't know and like i want her to want to have fun with me. So like, yeah. Yeah. Like on my first day with my boyfriend, I literally was like, I had a friend and she

was like nearby, like in the same area of the city. And I was like, I'm going to grab a drink with my friend. And he was like, can I see you again Sunday? And I was like, I would love that. Do you have a name for that rule? I like that. It's not really like a name. I think I just in the book wrote like, make plans after a date, always have plans plans and if you're having like the best time of your life i'm not saying like don't

go ahead and like see the person for more time that's fine i just think the tentative plans thing is great because if it's going shitty then you also have this perfect out it's like perfect for any option i would almost challenge the people who end up having a great date to follow through with the out. Yeah. Always follow through with the out. The out is a winning rule. Like it always works. It leaves the person with questions about you.

It's supposed to be getting to know each other. You know what I mean? There's no getting to know if you're just giving everything to each other right away, like in the first two hours. So I think that's like a more fun one. And then in terms of like a more practical one, I think on a date, also a first date, I like to go to the bathroom at some point in time and just like put on lip gloss or refresh myself or whatever and just be like, are you having fun? Is this person making you feel good? Would you like to see them again? Because I would always do the thing that we were just saying before, where I would like inflate the person in my mind and like create this whole story about them that

they could never like reach or be. And then I would be disappointed. But if you're just intentionally checking in with yourself and being like, is this even fun? Do I want to see them again? You're keeping your expectations pretty low. Just like all this has to be is do I want to see this person again? Yes or no. It doesn't need to be this whole like crazy thing. I think that's great. I don't know. The only thing I would add to that is if in the middle of that check-in and you ask yourself am i having fun and the answer is yes you're like i am having fun i do like them i do want to see them again don't make the mistake of immediately worrying about if they like you yes you know don't go to the bathroom and then change your attitude because you've already decided that

you're ready for the second date and then immediately apply that pressure on yourself of like don't fuck up yeah don't do that so if you could do that in the middle of the day great but like sometimes i will tell people to stop evaluating the date in real time yeah on the date i think going to the bathroom is great because it's a bit of a time out of break yeah because like some people yeah some people will instead of having a conversation with their date they'll be sitting across from them and instead of like thinking about what they're saying or thinking about their next question or what they're learning about them they're just being like do they like me yeah is this going okay i think it's good to like balance the two you know because i would often leave dates and be like oh my god did he like me and then i would have no idea if i even liked him

because all i was thinking about was like how i came off what do you think about x i think they're real and legitimate but i think we do the same thing with like the deal breaker red flag situation on the dating apps that we do with X. I feel like sometimes it's like so legit and I feel like it more so happens in like situationships or really, really early on. But sometimes we like take it a step too far. I feel like it's like the TikTokification of X, you know, like we hear it's like such a buzzword and such a thing. I think the concept does exist, but we've blown it up to a whole nother level. Like, oh, I have an ic.

I can never even look at him again. Never even look at her. Never even look at them again. Yeah. No, I agree. Yeah. I find them to be assumptions. So true.

Yeah. They might be valid. They might turn you off. But an ic is an assumption. Yeah. That's very, very valid. And we don't know what assumptions are, but I don't know.

Well, are you excited to take some calls? I'm very excited to take some calls. Before we do, remind the audience of the name of your book and where they can find it. I didn't know I needed this. You can pre-order it anywhere and you can find me just first and last name,

TikTok, Instagram. All right, well, let's get to our college. But before we do, don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthefilefiles.com. Don't forget, we have a big week lined up for you. We got the Golden Bachelor Bachelor in Paradise and Love is Blind recap tomorrow on Reality Recap. And then on Thursday's Going Deeper, we have part two of Izzy.

You know, he's got a broken heart. Stacey left him at the altar. But it seemed like unsure of like, were they going to keep dating? Were they not? Well, we have all his burning questions, his thoughts of all the other stuff that happened at the reunion. You will not want to miss that episode. It's a doozy. Be sure to tune into that. All right, let's get to our callers. How's it going?

Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Dana. I'm 24 and my girlfriend said she loves me, but I don't love her yet. Okay. How long has it been dating? Not long. We started talking like two and a half months ago. We've only been official for just under a month. Okay. When did she say she loves you? So she said it the other night right after I had kind of stopped us in the middle of sex because I had a panic attack. A panic attack in the middle of sex. Yeah. And then that's when she decided to say that.

Okay. Do you think she was saying that as a way to like. Soothe you? Yeah. Calm you down or make you feel better? I don't know. It was like, like I had already calmed down by that point and everything. And we were like, okay, let's just go to sleep.

And we were just kind of like cuddling in bed. And then I was like half asleep at that point. And she was like, I love you. And I, I, my immediate verbal reaction was, whoa. I love, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why do you feel like, have you, we explored the panic attack? It was just your first panic attack ever. Have you? No, no. Whoa. Why do you feel like, have we explored the panic attack? Was this your first panic attack ever? Have you?

No. No. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that was not super surprising. I like have a lot of sexual trauma and stuff. And I think that this is the first person that I've had sex with that I actually care about. I've done a lot of like the stupid, bad hookup situations. Sure.

Almost like searching for validation through sex, but not really sure why you were doing it kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah. As she aware of your past trauma? She was not until then. Okay. All right.

Well, what do you mean by that? Are you just saying via your panic attack she knows, or did you actually talk about it with her? Hey, can I explain what that was? Yada, yada. Did you actually have a conversation about it? Or are you just assuming she now knows because of the panic attack? Yeah, no, I did. I told her like a brief overview. Like once I had calmed down, I was like, okay, I really was not expecting that to happen. But you know, here's kind of the general probably why that happened. And I think that this is the first time that I'm like doing this with

someone I actually care about. So you told her that, right? Yeah. Okay. I think a lot of times people say I love you for the first time, or they realize they love someone when something happens that like, you're like, oh my god, I care about this person so much. So I don't think it's totally abnormal that she said it then. Like I've had people tell me I love you for the first time when I was like having a breakdown about like hating the way I looked getting ready for a night out or whatever. And they're like, I love you because I hate seeing you like this. And I hate seeing you so sad. So I feel like it isn't like totally out of the norm that she decided for this moment. It makes sense to me, at least, that you were vulnerable with her.

So then her guttural reaction was like, I need to be vulnerable with you. Well, yeah. I think about what you shared with her. You had this panic attack via sex. You're like, hey, let me explain. Oh, by the way, you're the first person I feel like I've cared about. You know, you were vulnerable. Like, you know, that vulnerability that you share with her and you, you know, you, you were vulnerable, like, you know, that vulnerability that you share with her

and you, you know, the first time ever, I've never done this before. Like that's you connecting with her. And she, to Eli's point, like probably saw that as a green light to almost like repay the favor, you know, by expressing her feelings. And the easiest way to do that is like, I don't know, I love, you know? know yeah so after you said whoa like have you guys talked about it since like what where are we now so a little bit yeah so that was um like last week and i said whoa and you know she was like you don't need to say it back and i was like i'm not going to um at this moment but but like but like um yeah no i'm not i'm not gonna tell you i mean i didn't say it like that but i love the response but i was like i do really care about you i do really like

you but i just i'm not there yet and also like i've completely caught off guard then like you know she slept over we woke up the next morning it was like a little awkward but I wasn't sure if it was because of like what happened during sex or if it was because of that or she was also because it was obviously great timing she then left for five days um to go out of state so we did talk a little bit about it over FaceTime like a few days after and I I was like I just want to acknowledge that like you said that and like that happened. And I just don't want you to be freaking out right now thinking that I don't like you or anything because I feel like that's what I would have done if I was all of a sudden in

a different state after that, because I wasn't sure if maybe she was just caught up in the moment because this is also her first relationship. I mean's not my first relationship but it's my first like relationship that I want to be in and she was like yeah maybe I was caught up like I don't regret saying it like I do feel that way but I do think that it was kind of situational in a way too okay I have a really similar situation to this in which I am your girlfriend like in which I said it first and I just want to let you know that I really think it's gonna be okay and from my point of view the person reacted really similarly to you was just like that's really nice I really appreciate you sharing that with me I really like you and I'm really looking forward to seeing like

how my own feelings develop and I never said it. And then like a few weeks later, he said it to me and was like, I love you. I'm sorry. It took me a little bit longer. This is my one of my first relationships, my first time feeling this way about someone. And I'm really grateful that you've been patient with me. And we've been together for three years. And it was also the same situation. I said it after a month just because I cannot not wear my heart on my sleeve like if i love someone i'm like i fucking love you and so i think that it's really normal that you need a little bit more time like don't freak out about that other than the shock of hearing it and then i'm assuming the immediate like pressure of what you're supposed to say back or not say back did her saying it in any way feel good i mean it was a positive

thing i think that it was confusing in the way of like i don't even know like how and obviously like and i've listened to your podcast and i know there's not like one answer to this but like how will i even know when i get to that point yeah. And then also it was the freak out of like, this is really early on and the like societal norms around that. Yeah, I mean, who cares about societal? I mean, people have said, I love you way faster. First date.

So yeah, not that big of a deal. I guess the reason I asked the question is because I think it's okay to let her know, you know, this whole like, well, thank you for sharing almost like, you know, but like that made me feel really good. You know, I know I'm not ready yet, mostly because like I'm just a slow burn, but like it really made me feel good to hear that, you know, to feel loved. And I just want to say thank you.

And then I think early on in relationships, it's okay to ask each other for permission to take things slow. Just like I really, it made me feel good. Thank you. on in relationships it's okay to ask each other for permission to take things slow just like i really it made me feel good thank you but like thank you for being understanding that i just move a little slower and i'm a little bit more reserved but like you already kind of said please don't mistake in my pace and my slow burn for me not being super excited about the possibility of this relationship. Because you don't want to be the person who hears I love you and kind of freaks out about what does that mean in terms of what is your responsibility to her in order to respond

so she doesn't feel awkward, et cetera, et cetera. And then like you were worried about, then things get awkward. You can just still acknowledge it and still say the truth, which is there's a lot of this about the relationship that makes me super excited, makes me feel safe. It makes me feel comfortable. I don't know where this is going to go, but I am so excited about the future. As I said, I want to make sure when I say it, that I feel secure about what I'm saying, you know, but it did feel really good to hear you say that to me. So thank you. You know, something like that. Yeah. There's so

many ways to make bids for connection. Like, I don't know, I learned that phrase and I was like, everything makes sense to me and like framing relationships through it. But like, you know, like little things of like, even just being like, Oh, that car's like a really pretty green, like, like little things of like all of these like versions of bids for connection. And like, I love you is obviously like a big bid for connection. But like there's so many different like it truly is a spectrum. Like there's so many versions of that. Like you can get her flowers.

If she said her favorite dessert, you can pick that up for at the grocery store. Like I think there are ways you can make her feel like kind of the things on the spectrum or on like on your way to love of like feeling known, feeling understood, feeling like valued. I think there are so many things that you can do that might feel a little more authentic. And then the other thing is like, I don't know if you identify with kind of like overthinking. But for me, I think sometimes I really need to remind myself, like, I cannot think myself out of overthinking. Like, I realize I'm overthinking and that I'm trying to think myself out of it. And so I think, you know, it would make total sense to be like, I want to carefully consider the situation and like handle it well. But I think knowing that you've done, I think, consideration and care. And so now giving yourself permission to be like, OK, if I find myself like

thinking about this on end, I'm going to just like try to distract myself, think of something new, redirect, like try to be a little more present kind of thing, just because I think sometimes it can feel very noble and like you're solving a problem when sometimes what you're doing is like making it a little more in your head and a little less like in person between the two of you I also think there's something to be said about like I totally agree with that not everyone is going to feel the same way like all the time and if we all just like knew that we loved each other in the same minute at the same time like there would be nothing there would be no nuance there would be like everything would be like so homogenous so I think it's like it's kind of nice that you're on different timelines.

It does not mean that something catastrophic is going to happen or that you're hurting her feelings or that she's hurting yours. It's all about like the ways that you choose to care for her and the ways that she chooses to care for you going forward. And I really like Nick's point about just like reminding her how excited you are that like positive affirmation will remove any potential sting she may feel and i'm not saying that she feels one from you not immediately responding just that idea of being excited for the future with someone that's such a nice thing to hear and i think that like you don't have to be on her same page like immediately right now yeah you don't want to make the mistake of being like oh worried of her being ahead of you and you not being where she's at so then

you just pull back and you you stop expressing your interest and you stop complimenting her and because you're like oh i don't want to i don't want to get i don't want her to get even further ahead before i catch up you know and and ruin a good thing is she still out of town no she's back and i i did um bring her flowers when she got back from the airport and um and like yeah i i did feel like pulling back and i was trying and i know that that's like something that i often do it's like oh you're vulnerable pull back and i like so I'm also trying to, yeah, like you were saying, Nick, of not doing that. Well, challenge yourself to be mindful of that. And then when you're thinking about her, you know, in a positive light, feel free to share

that with her. So like at some point today, if you're like, if she pops in your head and you're like, oh, wow, what a hottie, you know, I don't know. You can text her and say, I was just thinking about how beautiful you are. I don't know. Something like that. You can, you could say that today and tomorrow wake up and decide this is really, this relationship isn't for you and you would be allowed to leave. And the reason I'm saying that is, again, if we're not sure of our

feelings are matching someone we're pursuing, then we are afraid of eventually hurting their feelings. So we don't share what we want to share because, well, what if my feelings change in a week or two? And then they're going to be like, well, you told me I was beautiful last Wednesday. And listen, like, well, you told me I was beautiful last Wednesday. And listen, if in three or four weeks, your feelings change and you say, hey, listen, this isn't working for me. She's going to be upset. You're going to be her villain. She won't like you anymore. And it'll get messy and whatever. But that is dating and that is life. But don't let that possibility that you will survive and you will live through stop you from building a connection and just focus on the present. What you know now today is that you care about her and you're excited.

And just because she said, I love you before you were ready to say, I love you back, doesn't mean you should stop communicating words of affirmation, essentially. I think that that's exactly what's kind of been going through my head, especially because like my last relationship, I was vulnerable with her. And then I decided to tell my parents about the relationship, which I had never done before. And then a week later, she left me for someone else. And so I think the like, oh, but what if in a week this doesn't go anywhere? But yeah, I think that what you're saying makes sense. And communicate that with her. Maybe you already have, you know, but let her know. And listen, I just this is why I move a little slower. You know, there's so much for us to learn about each other.

I'm excited to keep learning about you, but I just I appreciate you letting me also go at my pace, too. But in the meantime, you're a hottie. I don't know, you know, whatever you want to say. And I wouldn't get in your head about, you mentioned like, I don't know what that's going to feel like. And like, I know that people say like so many different things. I oftentimes think about like,

how do you know what sadness feels like? How do you know what happiness feels like? Like you can't really describe those things. It's just a feeling because you've never felt the feeling of being in love. When it comes, you're going to know. You don't have to overthink it. Don't put pressure on yourself. It may come, it may not. That's life. That's dating exactly what Nick said, but one step at a time. And that will come to you, whether it's with her or someone else, and you're just going to feel it. And it's

going to be really nice and natural. So don't stress yourself out about that either, because I think overthinking that puts this pressure where you're like searching for it and that you don't have to do that. You're going to be okay. Yeah. Yeah. You know, love what, what love means to you is going to evolve most likely, you know? And I know we live in a time where again, we're, we're a buzzword society now. So like, you know, now we're afraid of, we don't want to love bomb, you know, and things like that. But saying I love you and your feelings changing is not love bombing. Even if, you know, again, if you say I love you back a week from now and then a month later, your feelings change. And I don't know, maybe she would accuse you of love bombing. It's not because she might be upset. I'm just saying, you know, your feelings are allowed to change.

And so it would be okay for you to say, I love you back and your feelings change. It will evolve what that means to you. So we're kind of in this kind of weird time where we want to be careful with our language. We want to be careful with our words and we don't want to lead people on. But at the same time, dating and love is messy. And I think as a society, we've forgotten about that. and we have to give ourselves grace to to get it wrong to unfortunately lead people on to hurt each other's feelings when it comes to dating and relationships not intentionally but just know that like when it comes to dating relationships this shit happens you know and I think we have almost crippled ourselves

with some of the conversations going on around dating and relationships now that everyone's just like almost catatonic, you know, where they're like, they're paralyzed because I don't know if I should say this or I should say that or when I should say this because, oh my God, what if it goes poorly or what if my feelings change and then nothing really happens. So it will evolve, you know, for you. And you can say, I love you back to her because it feels good and just go from there. It doesn't have to be some big proclamation, if that makes sense. Yeah, for sure.

And if you guys stay together, right? You know, let's say next week you say, I love you. You know, I love you too, right next week you say, I love you. You know, I love you too. Right? And she says, I love you. That exchange of,

I love you to between the two of you. If you guys are still together in three years, it's going to have a completely different meaning. Totally. And people act like, you know, the first time they said, I love you,

that that meaning doesn't involve or change. And that if I, I need to, I can't say I love you until I know that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to have children with you if we want to have kids or things like that. So it will evolve. It's not the end all be all. I guess I'm giving you permission to like, if you feel it, like she was feeling it to just say it, even if you're not even sure exactly what that means. But if in the moment, if you feel love for her, I think it's okay to say that.

No, I think that's a good point. I think that, like you said, I think there's a lot of external pressure that doesn't necessarily make a lot of sense. I've told a handful of people in my life that I was in love with them. You know, in the moment, I meant it every time. I look back at those moments and be like, maybe not so much as now, but I don't regret any of it. I wasn't insincere. I didn't say it ever to elicit a favor or a response. That's how I felt. But it has had different meanings

in different situations over the course of my life. Yeah, I think that makes sense. And I think about when you talk about different seasons of Bachelor and Bachelorette where people have said, I love you to multiple people. And it's like, yeah, what did that mean to them, I guess? Who knows? Yeah. Who knows? Well, you know, probably just meant in the moment that maybe it was just an intense feeling. Yeah. Again, I think we've, we've been a little too hard on ourselves as a society in terms of being able to express our emotions for fear of leading someone on or being accused of, you know, some buzzwordy, you know, name and being painted as the bad guy

if our feelings change. Yeah. Well, I'm excited for you. This sounds like there's a lot of potential here. You know, and who knows? Who knows? Feel free to send her a compliment today. Yeah, I like that idea.

Yeah. Yeah. Challenge yourself to express whatever positive feelings you have about her in real time. And if you're thinking it, express it, even if it's just text. Okay.

And you can simultaneously express it and, and then express appreciation to her for allowing you to continue to take things slow because slow and progress are two different things. Oh, I like that. You know, you can take things slow and still progress it every day. Oh, I like that. You know, you can take things slow and still progress it every day.

Every day there can be a building your relationship. You know, slow doesn't mean stopping and like freezing your relationship where it is for the next six months. Yeah, that makes sense. Cool. All right. Well, good luck.

Keep us posted. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. All right. I have, I was telling them, I've listened to it for years to Viya Files and ViFi Plus. Yeah. Thank you. All right. I have, I was telling them I list I've listened to it for years to file files and by five plus.

So we love that. We're going to take all the credit for your relationship. You're doing a great job. Perfect. All right. Thanks for calling. All right. Yeah.

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and use code helixpartner20. How's it going? Hey, my name is Julie. I'm 22 and my situationship wants me to take his virginity. Okay. All right. So how long have you been hanging out

with this situationship? Since February. That's when I got my job. He was my only friend at my job. um all right so how long you been hanging out with this situationship since february that's when i got my job he was my only friend at my job and he like helped me get comfortable with it and all that stuff and then we started hanging out that's when things got complicated then i got ghosted did you still work with him no he quit like a month after i i was hired all right so you got hired in february you met this guy super nice he onboarded you so to speak then then left and you kept hanging out after he left the work place yeah and um well slowly after he stopped hanging out with me but we would like text a lot and stuff. But that's when it started

not working out. What do you mean by not working out? He wouldn't really reply to my texts and he wouldn't want to hang out. Like I would ask him to hang out and he would say, Oh no, I don't want to like, I'm tired or I'm so busy. I don't know. He was really off and weird. Have you guys hooked up? No. Well, that's really complicated because when we started hanging out, like after I got the job, one day he was like,

hey, I need to talk to you. I'm like, all right. And he says, I'm a virgin and I want you to take my virginity. Was this at work? He says it's at work. No, no, no. Hey, I'm going to need that report also.

And he was like, he was like pitching me kind of. He was like, it'll be great. Like, I'm a first timer. You can teach me everything you know. Like, it'll be great. Like, I trust you. I think like, it'll be good. i trust you i think like it'll be good i don't know was it almost like endearing yeah like do you like this guy or do you have

like a mega ick about this guy yeah at first like i thought it was really cute and i had like a crush and then afterwards it started to develop so when he came to me with this like proposition, I kind of said no, because I didn't want to be that for someone, you know, I didn't want to just be someone who just lost his virginity too, because he didn't want to lose it. And I was kind of starting to get feelings. I told him that he should do it with someone that he like is in a relationship with. You don't want to be used, basically. Yeah, yeah, but a little bit after that, I kind of changed my mind, and I was like, all right, let's do this.

And we tried, and it ended miserably. It was horrific. It was really traumatizing. It was so bad. He said he never wanted to try it again. Oh my God. Yeah, nothing happened. traumatizing it was so bad he said he never wanted to try it again oh my god yeah why was it so horrific other than other than being you know obviously sex is can be awkward and it's weird yeah to like make sex transactional when you don't mean to make it transactional it's like

you had the best he had the probably it's almost sounds like he had he had a good intention genuine yeah he was a being genuine about it it's just he was also being really awkward about it i feel you know he probably was feeling the pressures of being a virgin it sounds like maybe his virginity had nothing to do with things like faith or religion or you know personal belief but rather like it just hadn't happened and got to meet you and like, hey, fuck it. Like, let's do this. And then, yeah, it can be awkward. But other than the awkwardness, there wasn't anything you use the word horrific. Is there like a story other than it being like slightly weird? Well, he came to my house and like we started watching a movie and then things got spicy. And then he basically got stage fright.

He like just sat on my bed and he's like, I don't know what to do. And I was like, it's okay. Like, I can help you. Like, it's fine. Like, I was willing to like, try to be gentle with him. I'm not going to be rude or anything. I know he's a virgin. And I was like, it's him. I'm not going to be rude or anything. I know he's a virgin. And I was like, it's okay. Like, maybe we can do this or that. And he's like, I don't

know. I'm just like, not feeling it. Like, but I want to. And then I was like, it's okay. You know what? Let's just not do it. And he's like, okay. Yeah. Cause I can't. And then when he went home that day, he got like 102 fever and got like really super sick. He said he had a horrible migraine. So I think that whole situation like physically hurt him. I am not a doctor. I want to make that clear. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that that is a coincidence.

It's a really bad coincidence you did not give him the flu because he couldn't get a boner you know yeah like he thought i was the one that got him sick like maybe you maybe you were the one who got him sick because maybe you passed some germs but that's just again not your fault dumb luck yeah i wasn't sick he was just like the pressure of everything just made me feel really bad and he just told me it was so traumatizing he wouldn't want to do that again and then afterwards that's when things started to kind of get weird i feel like his cold feet you have to like make it independent of like how he made you feel right because like regardless of the fact that he was uncomfortable, like that's one situation and that's totally valid. But it sounds like you handled it like so gently and so kindly. But it kind of makes you feel bad to use words like traumatic to describe something that like you were a part of, I feel like.

part of I feel like so I think it's like totally two independent situations right like we have grace for him and like you were so gentle and kind to him and it's totally normal to like not want to do something and say no that's all great but at the same time it's kind of unfair to then make you feel like you did something wrong when realistically you were just trying to be super supportive so like I feel like you're being a little hard on yourself like you did a good job I feel like in terms of the situation that you were in. Yeah, that's what I thought, too. He was the one that used the word traumatic, like, quote, unquote. No, well, I mean, he's dramatic.

He's dramatic. Yeah, he's being dramatic. And I can understand why he's being dramatic. It probably was. He probably felt embarrassed. He probably felt confused. He made a weird proposition very different i i remember this is a long time ago long time ago this is when like

i'm aging myself but like this is when texting really popped off you know when people the internet was invented like i i remember a time where like i um had this lady friend again i'm in my early 20s mid-20s at this point um early 20s i don't know this is a long fucking time ago and i had this friend who one day i was at work and i got a text do you want to come over and fuck and i was like the original booty call yeah i was like the world's first i was like what you know and i was so caught off guard by this friend who didn't really talk that way i didn't you know i didn't know her that well you know she beautiful i i thought she was studying so i i'm you know i was like and so i don't know if it was a couple days later i went over and she opened the door she looked

great you know provocative outfit but like we were just fucking weird and nothing happened you know she got weird i got fucking weirder you know and eventually we're like let's not do this right now you know and it was kind of uncomfy and weird and i just you know it was this like it was so easy to text crazy shit but like once we got in the same room it was the setup put up the pressure it was like what what made it weird is like naming the thing you know the transactional element to it because it's just like you come over and we're gonna have sex and like unless you are a seasoned sexpert it's just gonna be fucking weird it's gonna be awkward yeah yeah so you're not the only two people who have experienced stories like this yeah i totally

agree with that i was gonna say like in a similar vein, like when I lost my virginity, I think I was like 17 and it was a similar situation that like my boyfriend at the time was like, we are going to have sex. And then every time I saw him, I was just like, it wasn't like that, but you know what I mean? Like we were talking about it and he was like, we're going to have sex. And every time I saw him, like every next time I was like, is it going to happen? Like i mean like we were talking about it he was like we're gonna have sex and every time i saw him like every next time i was like is it gonna happen like i was like so freaked out by it even though i wanted to even though i was like we had communicated about it and i was like yeah this i'm down for this like i'm gonna lose my virginity every next time i saw him i was like is this gonna be the time that it's gonna happen like how do i prepare

for this and i feel like in my adult life in terms of like dating and like whatever and getting into relationships it's always just like happened organically whenever it felt best and that's like definitely like a learned thing so for someone inexperienced I can understand why he did what he did and I can also see like why ended up how it didn't I feel like what you said is totally true like people relate to this situation and like if you want to still like chat with him, I feel like you could just say like, Hey, like, that was weird. Like, let's put it behind us almost. Well, yeah. So afterwards, he started ghosting me. And then what happened was about like, a month and a half ago, he reached out again. And we were best friends like before. And now we're best friends again. But around that time, I was seeing someone. So he was like,

again. But around that time, I was seeing someone. So he was like, I want to try again. And then I said, Well, like, I'm seeing someone. So I kind of can't do that. And he's like, I'm so sorry. Like, let's just forget about it. I was like, Okay. And the situation is before when it happened before he goes to me, I had feelings feelings and now I'm not seeing that guy anymore but I still talk to my co-worker every day or my ex-co-worker whatever and I have feelings and it's complicated because I don't know whether or not he has feelings back and basically now I want to know whether or not I should tell him about my feelings because I'm afraid that if I do, he's going to make it weird. What are your feelings, I guess? Because it's one thing to be friends with him, but you say you have feelings for him

and feelings that you think might evolve into a romantic relationship. So what about your dynamic or what about him makes you want to take the next step with him in a relationship? Well, he makes me really happy and I find myself always wanting to be with him, always wanting to tell him things. It's like a different feeling that I haven't really had with anyone in a long time. And I feel like we're really close now. And I think he deserves to know because I feel like it's wrong if I don't tell him I have feelings, but then like continuously hang out with him and text him every day. Like right now he's talking to some girl and it's really bothering me. So, okay.

So I'm very confused and I don't know what I should do next. I do. You just need to tell them. Yeah. Yeah. You kind of just need to be direct in a sense, you know, because I think it sounds like you two have a hard time talking about serious, serious stuff. I feel like you got into the situation because of a lack of communication.

So the only way you're going to be able to get out of the situation is by being as direct as possible. And that's definitely scary, but I think it's going to be worth it. And if you've listened to the show, I don't you just kind of have to be short and sweet and direct. And don't don't downplay it. Don't water it. Don't water down your message by being like, well, I think maybe kind of I might possibly have feelings. I don't know.

Probably not, though. Don't say that. Just be like, hey, listen, I really enjoy spending time with you. You make me laugh. I look forward to hanging out with you. The more we talk, the more I like. And yeah, I don't think of you as just friends. I know our relationship started off kind of weird.

We kind of fucked up the whole sex thing. But I care about you as just friends. I know our relationship started off kind of weird. We kind of fucked up the whole sex thing, but I care about you as a person. I feel like you care about me, and I want to hang out with you more as friends, and how do you feel about that? And you're going to have to be prepared for him to reject you. I strongly feel that once you start in a situationship, both parties get very comfortable with that routine.

And that routine is, there are no expectations of me. I don't have to really step up. I can still be a bit selfish. I'm not in a relationship. So when the hopeful person, you, in a situation ship, I always kind of look at who's the hopeful person, who's the person who doesn't want to be in a relationship. I don't know. Maybe he's a hopeful person too. You can be have two hopeful people who just don't talk. There is that, but you're, you certainly are. And he, if he, if he is like on the fence, all he might hear is expectations, you know, which is basically like, well, I actually really like what we're doing. I get to hang out with you whenever I want. When I don't want to hang out, I could just say, I don't want to hang out,

I could just say, I don't want to hang out. I'm bored. And he's not doing anything wrong. He's not your boyfriend. So you always tend to get resistance. When the hopeful person goes to the person who in a situation ship and says, I want more. I want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I want us to explore a romantic relationship. It's usually met with some resistance at first because it's just new. It's their default is to say no. Change is scary. Yeah. He talks about like being in relationships with me and he's like, I've never been in a relationship. Like, I don't know what I would want. I don't know what I would do. Like, I don't even know if I will be able to like handle a relationship because he's in school full time. And I don't know, I feel like we are already in one. We treat each other as if we're in a relationship just without the romantic stuff.

Like, he texts me at five in the morning to ask me if I took my vitamins. And like, he'll ask me like, before I go to bed, he'll like, tell me goodnight and be like, Oh, I hope you don't have bad dreams. I hope you had a good day. And like, he I feel like he treats me that way. So I don't understand why we can't have the romantic part. And I've kind of done that thing where I've been a little like iffy about it, I've talked to him and I was like hey like you're kind of confusing me because you treat me this way and I didn't say I had feelings I just said it was confusing and um he was like well I meant all that as a joke I said well that didn't

sound like a joke when you say things like that to me and he's like yeah that was actually really weird and then that was the end of the conversations. Yeah. And I have no idea because you two clearly are not great communicators and he sounds, he doesn't sound like the most confident guy, you know, when it comes to, you know, sex, romance, and dating. If he were to ask you, if he were to say, well, I don't know how to be in a relationship. What does that mean? What would you say? Like, if he ask you, if he were to say, well, I don't know how to be in a relationship, what does that mean? What would you say? Like, if he asked you, what does it mean to be in a relationship with you?

Well, I was thinking, like, I could talk to him and say, like, why don't we try just going out on a date, like an official date and see how that works and start, like, small. And if you're not feeling it, then you can tell me and we'll figure it out because i'm very patient and i understand like i'm not going to force him to figure it out i'm not going to force him to know what he wants or anything like that no i get that but i guess that doesn't really answer my question if he were to say what does it mean to you to be in a relationship what would you say if he was does it mean to you to be in a relationship? What would you say?

If he was like, hey, listen, I've never been in a relationship. I don't know. I don't know how to be in one. What does that mean? What would you say? I don't know. I feel like you would say what you said to us, which is exactly what we're doing right now. With the addition of exclusivity, like we're not seeing other people

and then the addition of like being really open about our romantic feelings that at least you have for him and then you believe are developing like I think also what you said to us is something you should say to him which is like we're basically doing a relationship right now just without romance and so it's not really working for me because it's confusing, which you've already said, but you kind of left out the part where you're like, we're doing that already. We just are doing it without a whole ton of romance or any intimacy. And that can be really confusing for a person to like have a friendship that's basically a romantic relationship, just like sans sex and like holding hands or whatever else is like intimate and romantic to you.

I think it's helpful to just like also tell him that because maybe that'll make him less afraid as well. Yeah. So I could tell him that I have feelings. And what if like, if he says like, I don't have those feelings towards you or anything like that, how do I continue on with the friendship without it being weird? Because I'm afraid he's going to treat me differently if he doesn't feel the same way and it won't be the same. Yeah, that's a risk you're going to have to take. Yeah, and isn't that a good thing if you treat, because right now it's like you're in this

like kind of middle ground where it's like you're neither having your cake nor eating it. And so it's like if he treats you differently, like, yeah, like not to downplay that it like suck for a little bit and it would feel like you'd be like, yeah, like not to downplay that it like suck for a little bit. And it would feel like you'd be like, damn, no one's texting me about my vitamins. Like, so I get that that would like be like a bit of a hardship for a moment. But like then you would be actually open and able to move on and you wouldn't be stuck in this like limbo of like he's I kind of feel like he's my boyfriend. But I know he's not my boyfriend and I know I need to be vulnerable with him for this to escalate.

But I don't feel safe being vulnerable, like just in this kind of like perpetual back and forth. Yeah, like you'll keep feeling this way, I think, unless you say it. Or if you're okay with like putting your feelings aside and setting boundaries to make this more of a friendship, but it sounds like you don't want that. It sounds like you really can't like avoid these emotions. And so you're really only doing a disservice to you by not telling him yeah i i can't it's getting really hard but i'm so afraid of rejection well that's something you just gotta you gotta consider you know this is what it means to me to be in a relationship if you were to ask me that question i would say something like listen at the end of the day like being in a relationship more than anything is choosing to prioritize each other and enjoying doing it. You know, like that's a

relationship, you know, that's a, you know, friendship, romantic relationship. But when it comes to romantic relationship, like add in intimacy, holding hands, physical touch, and down the road, maybe sex. And then you can say to them, I love making you a priority in my life. I love it when you make me feel like you make me a priority. When you call me and make sure I take my vitamins, that makes me feel like you care about me. And it makes me feel really good. And I love making you a priority in my life. And to me, that's what I want in a relationship. And the physical intimacy and things like that, that'll come over time, you know? And we talked about having sex in the past. We made it weird.

Just say we, you know, use a lot of we stuff. Don't blame him. Oh, you made it weird. Or I made it weird. We made it weird. Whatever. Let's just forget it. You know, that'll come over time. But like, I just love when we prioritize each other, I feel the best. It makes me the happiest. And that, to me, tells me that I have feelings for you that go above and beyond just friends. That's what I would say to him. I also like the idea that you had about proposing going on a date. I think you definitely need to do all of that and tell him first. But then in order to have an actionable item that might make him feel a little bit more comfortable, you could be like and to start. I was thinking or wondering, like, should

we go on like a proper actual first date? Like, let let's forget that weird sex moment that happened between us. Like, let's kind of explore this and like, let's go on a date. I feel like that gives like an actionable, maybe a more casual item to like close off your whole, you know, feelings share with that might just make him a little bit more comfortable and might make you feel a little bit better too. Cause it's like, that's, you know, there's no pressure in just like one first date. Like, let's just try it. I don't mind the first date idea.

I think it's kind of sets the table, so to speak for you guys though. The only thing I'm curious what you think, I just don't table so to speak for you guys though the only thing i'm curious what you think i just don't want you to be like let's go on a date and see and then go out to dinner and by the time dessert comes out you guys are like all right so are we in love yeah you know like i don't want it to be hot this high stakes date where this guy who's already confused about his own feelings and you have a little confusion too puts all this pressure on going to fucking applebees yeah um and and evaluate like all right do you have feelings for me after having dinner you know what i'm saying i just i don't want you to do that and i don't want him i don't want him to feel that pressure so i think you

should tell him about your feelings and then you should be able to articulate your feelings which and again, I don't know if you want to take my advice, but I would focus on the idea because you guys are making each other a priority. And that's what, like people love to say, well, we do boyfriend and girlfriend things. You know, it's a very common phrase. And yes, going out to dinner, meeting each other's families, spending a lot of time together, texting each other at five in the morning, making sure you're taking each other's vitamins, our boyfriend and girlfriend things. But it's harder. What does that mean?

You know what I'm saying? And I think we, you, when people are in these situations, need to better articulate what that means. Because when you say, well, making you a priority makes me feel really good. And I like doing it. And when you do that for me, I feel just as great. And to me, that's the type of relationship I want, you know, add in physical intimacy down the road. Like, I think that makes sense to people. Yeah. You know, you're articulating your feeling. And this is a guy you're describing as someone who

like is unsure about how to read his own feelings and emotions. Sounds like social media and media in general and his buddies or I don't know who he's getting advice from is probably confusing him about what his expectations are or what he should do or how he should be or how he is supposed to feel when he gets in a relationship. So he needs a little bit of guidance. or how he is supposed to feel when he gets in a relationship. So he needs a little bit of guidance. And I think you can provide him that guidance by being confident

when you communicate your feelings to him. But you do have to be willing to get rejected. Because if you aren't willing to get rejected, you're not going to sound confident. And you're going to kind of tiptoe around it. You're going to be like, I kind of like hanging out with you. You know, like sometimes when, you know, and you'll downplay your feelings. I agree with that.

I also think maybe give him a minute to answer before proposing the idea of the date. Like, cause right. We have to like be realistic that there's a world that he's like, I don't feel that way. And then we're going to have to, you're going to have to move on from that. But there's a world that he's like, OK, I think I like the sound of that. I feel like I reciprocate those emotions like what next or like now what? And then I feel like you can propose that.

I feel like it's a good idea, but I totally agree with you. You don't want to put any more pressure on the situation. You just want to be confident and direct and sure of yourself. And then like whatever he says, he says, and you're just going to have to roll with it after that. I say 50 50. He he turns you down at first. I honestly, I think more like 60, 40, 70, 30, he turns you down, but he might like,

I think there's also then 50, 50, if he turns you down that he comes around, but you're going to have to, you're going to have to shut it down. So you can't, you can't tell him you have feelings for him, propose a date or whatever you want to propose to him or talk about how you enjoy prioritizing each other. And then if he does the classic thing that many people do in that situation is kind of get awkward and like they don't have an answer. So it's like, I don't know. I don't think so. You know, you put them on the spot.

It's just going to be easier to say no. And then you're going to have to calmly you know to be like well i'm sorry to hear that some version of that um makes me sad but i just don't think i could just be just friends with you so if you change your mind let me know and then you become hard to reach yeah okay i'm gonna do that i'm trying to think about like how and when I'm gonna like tell him all this because if I'm being really honest I did tell him I was gonna be on the show he hasn't listened to you guys he doesn't really listen to podcasts but he was like oh are you gonna talk about me and I I said no and he asked what I was gonna talk about and I told him I can no. And he asked what I was going to talk about. And I told him that I can't tell him.

He got upset because he said we don't keep secrets. So tell him. That's a great setup. Have him listen to it. Or just be like, hey, listen. I have a confession. I lied to you. I did talk about you.

In fact, the whole reason why I'm on the show. By the way, it's anonymous. They'll have no idea. Don't scare them. But you know what I'm saying? And just say, I've been confused. I like you. Just you got to come out and say it.

You got to say it loud and proud. You got to be confident in it. I think that's a super endearing lead in as well. Like if somebody that I was in this situation with personally like was like, yeah, I went on this show of this person I trust because I listened to his podcast to get advice about the situation because I listened to his podcast to get advice about this situation because I really care. Even if I was ready to reject the person, I would be endeared by that. Yeah. I mean, you guys sound like two nice people, you know, and it seems like you have

a lack of experience. It seems like he has a lack of experience. I've been there. We've all been there. You guys have to just get through it. But you're right. It definitely sounds like he cares about you. And it wouldn't shock me if he. But you're right. It definitely sounds like he cares about you. And it wouldn't shock me if he just doesn't really know what that means. And he's worried about it, you know, and he's not sure. And so you're going to have to take the lead and you're going to have to be the confident one. You know how you feel. And in 2023, regardless of your gender or what you think the guy's supposed to do or the woman's supposed to

do in a relationship. And you can have your expectations when it comes to gender roles, when you get into a relationship. But in 2023, when it comes to dating and two people who have no expectations of each other, I strongly feel the person who knows how they feel, it's their job to communicate it. And you know how you feel. And so it's your job to step up and confidently communicate to him how you feel. Okay. I'm like, I'm pretty nervous and scared. Say you're nervous. Yeah. I'm nervous. Yeah. I'm nervous because I really like you, but I know how I feel about you. And that is, I love spending time with you. I love prioritizing you. I love it when you, when you make me feel like a priority when i hear from you that's when i'm my happiness and to me that's what

matters in a relationship and the rest will figure itself out if he ever brings up the first time you guys try to have sex just just be like it's it wasn't a big deal yeah downplay it you know okay don't let him describe it as horrific, you know? Yeah. You can say, like, yeah, we've both been, we, you know, we've been embarrassed before. Yeah, it can be embarrassing, but at the end of the day, this isn't a big deal. Okay. All right, I know what I want to say.

All right. I'm going to talk to him later on and see what he says. I'll give you guys an update. You've got this. We love that. Thank you. No matter what happens, it's going to be fine. If he rejects you at first, it's not the end of the world. Again, that might be his default, but you have to follow through by saying, okay, but I don't want to keep doing this. Because you telling him how you feel is a boundary you're trying to set. And that boundary is,

I want us to have expectations of each other. I'm willing to make you a priority if you are willing to make me a priority. And I want to know that I can expect that. And I want to set a boundary that we're not going to see other people and things like that. And you can't negotiate the boundary you're trying to set. And so him saying, I don't feel the same way as you feel right now, you can't say, okay, well, just kidding. Let's just keep doing what we're doing. Because that's you saying my boundaries aren't important to me. And if you say, hey, listen, I'm sorry you feel that way, but like, and I'm going to miss our friendship, but this is how I feel. And I don't want to feel confused and I don't want to care about you and make you a priority and not be confident that I can expect that from you. And so we need to pull back and then pull back and let him stew for a couple days

and let him miss you and let him think about, is this really worth it? And go from there. But do not keep doing what you're doing once you decide to tell him how you feel. What if I give him days to stew and then he comes back and says, I really miss you as a friend. Can we just be friends? No, you say no Like as a friend, can we just be friends? No, you say no. Be like, I can't just be friends with you.

I care about you. I'm sorry. It's not fair to me. Okay. I'm going to have to push the big red button. You are. Yeah, you are. But I think in the long run, you're going to be much happier either way.

Like in the aftermath, if he rejects you, of course, like those first few days, those first few weeks, like they're going to suck. Like there's no sugarcoating that. But eventually, like once you do get into a relationship that feels really, really good and secure, you're going to be like, wow, thank God. I would never have gotten here if I didn't do that. So at the end of the day, like the reason for the outcome will make itself known to you eventually.

Yeah, you're right. All right. OK, I'm going to tell him. All right. Good luck. Let us know. You got this. All right. All right. Thanks, guys. All right. Take care. Thank you for the help. Bye. Yeah, bye right. Okay. I'm going to tell them. All right. Good luck. Let us know. You got this. All right.

All right. Thanks, guys. All right. Take care. Bye. Yeah. Bye-bye. Bye.

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To claim, visit article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Charlie and I'm 29 and I'm calling him because I ran into an old friend at a wedding and I don't know if I'm reading his cues right and I'm trying to maybe ask him out. Okay, when was the wedding? It was this past weekend.

Okay, and old friend, like how old? Like what do we know about this guy um a high school friend um so about 10 years um i've seen them randomly here and there uh over time and you know like typical like responses and instagram dms that are very not like flirty. And I think I just was caught off guard at the wedding by some of our interactions and my brain switched and I thought, okay, is he flirting with me? I don't know. What was he doing? Initially when I greeted him, it was just like normal, totally fine. But during the cocktail hour, we caught up and, you know, there are like the little cues that you hear here and there, like, okay, you think maybe he finds you attractive. Like example, a is talking very closely, um, glancing down at my, uh, just glancing down at

my lips, like stuff like that. Just very, um, you can just kind of see it in someone's eyes. I think I'm just not great at deciphering cues or maybe I'm just second guessing it too much and I have it right. I don't know. How much time did you guys spend with each other at the wedding? So we were not sat at the same table, um, but spent a good 20 minutes talking during the cocktail hour. And then we're pretty connected with other friends as well, but dancing and chatting here and there during the first couple hours. And I was kind of just doing my own thing. It was an old, like old friends wedding and don't see her that often. and I know the families that are involved so it's just kind of bobbing around but um you know I would just kind of catch him looking

at me here and there and um he'd come over and when I was alone and just like dance and I don't know he's a very outgoing guy uh very kind of does his own thing as well so i think maybe that's a little bit where some of the confusing confusion comes in but did you see him be as friendly or potentially flirty with other women at the wedding so that's the thing well that's a thing there is like a a long-standing joke between some friends that is like the over the top flirting, making jokes of like, we're going to hook up later.

Just not ever. It's just been a longstanding joke. So he's, he has a reputation for being a flirt. I would say not a reputation. What do you mean? What's the difference? If there's a longstanding joke between him and

his friends for like how he inside joke, okay, I joke with like one other gal. And it's, it's just like, nothing's ever happened, but they just make light of it. But when I've seen him flirt with gals in the past, it's not over the top. How did you leave it off with him? Like, how did you guys say goodbye? So we didn't. I was we're just kind of towards the end of the night doing our own thing. And I was connecting with some parents at the wedding. I ended up being there till the last song with a couple other friends. And we both had separate groups of friends at this wedding and also one that was the same so he was off doing his own thing same um and looked

around and the only people i knew still there were just two two friends of mine that did not include him and so didn't at all but yeah i don't think we can know for sure based on what you're telling us you know yeah so it's not like you guys share like best friends you know where like if you shoot your shot and he doesn't you know respond the way you want him to are you really you know doesn't sound like you're really setting yourself up for an awkward situation among friends. Not that that is even that big of a deal, but you have that going for you. So what do you want to do? That's a great question.

I came out of a long-term relationship about eight months ago and I'm finally kind of back in this headspace of wanting to date, kind of move forward in that aspect of my life. I've kind of reset my foundation with friends and I'm really just trying to be intentional with my time and seeing the people I want to see, building relationships with people I want to build relationships with. And I think maybe a lot of where my confusion has come in in this particular situation is I was caught off guard with the thoughts that, OK, I've never felt these like flirtatious vibes from this guy before. And that has shifted. And I would love to spend time with him just because we get along great. spend time with him just because we get along great we have a really great time but is it in a potential like love interest setting or is it as a friend so are you looking for friends i love having yes and no i mean okay but like but no I mean, we're not. Sure. Yeah. End game is you want a relationship.

Your immediate interest in this guy particularly is not to like, be like, this is a person I could be pals with. It's not what you're calling. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You spent an entire night at a wedding being like, is he flirting with me? I can't tell, you know? So your interest is romantic.

with me? I can't tell. So your interest is romantic. So if your interest is romantic, don't confuse yourself by pretending that you are interested in possibly being friends when you know you're not. People do this too. It's like you're trying to pat yourself on the back by being like, you know what? I'm chill enough to be friends with this guy if it doesn't work out. But that's just you setting yourself up for potential disappointment if you don't get the answer you want. And that's you just kind of chickening out to not do the thing that you want to do,

which is like ask him out for a drink. Yeah, the stakes are pretty low. Like worst case scenario, he's going to be like, I don't really see you that way. And it's going to sting for like 48 hours. And then you're going to be like, next time you see him, like you probably will be able to be like, I don't really see you that way. And it's going to sting for like 48 hours. And then you're going to be like, next time you see him, like you probably will be able to be friends. Cause it's like, so, so, so low stakes. It's just a drink. It's just a date. It's even lower stakes than that. Cause you could ask him out for a drink

and he could make up some bullshit excuse. He'd be like, oh, I got a girlfriend. I started seeing someone, you know, whatever it is. He doesn't have to be like, I don't see you that way. You know, he's not, he's not going to say that probably, you know, you'll still know whether you're getting rejected or not probably. But to Eli's point, that's not even harsh. Yeah. You know, that's low stakes, but this is even lower stakes. What would you send? What, what, I'm curious if, um, if I were to say to say shoot your shot my initial thought would just be send hey like great seeing you at the wedding i had a fun time i don't feel like we got to connect a whole lot um if you are open to or if you're if you're down to like hang out go get a drink or go play pickleball who knows trendy i would love to plan something okay like 20 of that yeah i was gonna

say go yeah go less wordy go go less wordy and more direct like put this situation in his hand like hey it was so great seeing you the other night i had a great time catching up you free for drinks saturday like it's so direct and then he has basically two options make up a excuse or say no or be like i'd be down where do you want to go and it's like as easy as that you know yeah if you want to get a little flirty and a little fun you could be like it was great to see you i was dying to have one more drink with you at the wedding oh i like that i'm just not flirty that stresses me out so then don't put an emoji in your text you know like you know don't have a wing face but all you have to say is it was great to see you i wanted to see more of you let's grab a drink let's like it was

great to see you at the wedding like let's let's hang out somewhere where we're actually at the same table. None of this. If you're free, if you're around, if you're available, if you're willing. None of that crap. Don't deliver somebody like the option to just be like, no, you know, be so confident and secure. Like that comes off so much hotter and more desirable. None of this. If you're just too busy to hang out with me, it's OK. I'm working on it.

Yeah. It's just just like let's grab a drink you're not really putting yourself out there all that much you're just saying let's grab a drink so your ego can feel you know fine like you're not putting yourself out there because oh he maybe he doesn't want to get a drink no harm no foul but he's gonna know what you're implying people can read between the lines yeah do you guys have like each other's phone number you said you dm is this like a message that you're gonna text or that's a good question i don't know if i have i didn't even look for a phone number i have two well one but who knows if it's accurate anymore should we just message him right now yeah Yeah. Sure. Active situation. Derek, play it. We have an active situation. All right. What are we texting her? Let's draft this together.

So you don't want to be super flirty? No. That's okay. What is super flirty in your mind that's a you know what that's a great question and i think in person i probably give off more flirtatious energy at times than i think i do how do you look do i think i what do you mean at the wedding yeah how do you look or yeah did he look hot yeah i haven't seen him in 10 years he's dressed up you said me i was like i don't want to talk i'm sure you look beautiful did he look good yeah yeah he looked good but like yeah he looked i mean sorry i'm like sugarcoating stuff yeah i was attracted to him at the wedding was he hot yeah sure a bit i don't know like it's personality for me like he's attractive i'm never one to like jump in and be like okay that man is sexy as hell

it's it's a it grows over time so and maybe i'm just uncomfortable answering that question that's fine just put it in your words yeah loved seeing you and catching up we should do more of it let's grab a drink i love that no notes plus at the end of the day like that's just flattering to hear like I just feel like getting that text it's like damn someone enjoyed seeing me and wants to see more of me and honestly it's not your message is so chill that like he might say yes I think he should get the point but if he is this kind of extroverted flirtatious guy who just loves to socialize he might say yes to it even if he's like not sure what your expectations are all right read it read it back to us love seeing you at this person's wedding he knows he knows he knows where he saw you

that's true you can take that out you know what i work in marketing i'm super descriptive in case you forgot i'm the person i don't know love to see you love seeing you at the wedding and catching up would love to do more of that or like let's do more of that because she already said love like loved seeing you and catching up let's do more of that let's do more of that. Let's do more of that. How about drinks? And then new text, drinks Saturday or like whatever day of the week that you want to do. I like that. I think that is even a little flirty. Like the second text that's like drinks Friday, drinks Saturday.

I think that that's the perfect little edge. Shows that you're interested. It shows urgency. Yeah. That gives me heart palpitations of nervousness. That's probably not a bad thing. But remember the stakes are low. Low stakes, low stakes. You got us. I need the hype.

He's really not going to say no. He's either going to tell you he's busy or he's going to say yes. You can't lose in this situation. Yeah. A rejection is going to go something like this. Oh my god, it was so great to see you too. I'm really swamped right now, but we should definitely get together soon sometime. That will be him rejecting you but that's the worst it's gonna sting and it's not even that

bad then you can just make plans with friends go to your favorite bar and have fun or i can do a nice little introvert night yeah exactly yeah introvert date all righty all right read it back all right um love seeing you at the wedding and catching up. Let's do it soon. How about this weekend? Let's do it again soon. New tax drinks this weekend? Question mark.

Love that. Okay. Okay. Send. Done. Scary. Send it. Send.

Yay. You got this. You did it. We love that for you. All right. Keep us posted will do godspeed thanks guys our pleasure this will be good for you yeah I agree work on shooting your shots just put it out there

yeah I'm not used to it you will survive this no matter what I promise yeah avoiding the apps so I gotta do it somehow you know there you go alright well good. Well, good luck. Well, I appreciate you guys. Thank you. Let us know. All right. All right. Bye.

Bye. Eli, this was so fun. So fun. Thanks for coming. I love your listeners. They're so sweet. Yeah, they're so sweet. So many interesting stories. We, you know, we love, we love hearing them. Yes. Tender, earnest souls.

It was a tender episode. We don't always get this level of tenderness. Sometimes it's drama. Oh my God. Oh yeah. Yeah. But this was a great batch. Yeah, it was. I'm thinking of some of the most dramatic ones. Either way, so much fun to have you, Eli. Again, congratulations on the book. Thank you.

Please remind our audience about it, where they can find it and all the other great stuff that you're doing. Yes. The book is called I Didn't Know I Needed This. It comes out December 12th with HarperCollins. It'll be everywhere. Books are sold. You can pre-order it now. I recommend pre-ordering from Indies. It's just good to support our local bookstores. And then you can find me pretty much Instagram, TikTok, just my name. And I have a podcast as well. It's called Miss Congeniality. And I think can find me pretty much Instagram, TikTok, just my name. And I have a podcast as well. It's called Miss Congeniality. And I think that's me.

Amazing. Well, thanks for listening. Don't forget to send those questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting, office hours, sweat, the wedding, mediation, you know the drill. We will be back tomorrow for another episode of Reality Recap, breaking down Love is Blind, Bachelor in Paradise, and Golden Basher. We are loving it. And we have an amazing episode for you on Thursday. Izzy

is back, part two. Now that we know his heart has been broken. Lots of burning questions. What's going on with him and Stacey? Are they together? Did they make it work? If not, what happened? I think you'll be shocked to hear some of those answers. So be sure to check that out. We'll see you

tomorrow. Bye.