The Viall Files - E656 Ask Nick - The Man I Want to Marry Asked for a Break

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss the long-debated and all-important question, can men and women be friends? We debate if they should act differently towards women that are in relationships? And, is kissing on the cheek as a greeting acceptable if they’re not European? We dive into it all. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller’s ex reaches out everytime his wife is pregnant, and she’s not sure why. She seeks our guidance on why he’s been reaching out during these pivotal moments, but we ask why she’s been responding. Our second caller is dating the man she wants to marry, but he just asked for a break. They recently got in a heated discussion over money, which resulted in him asking for a break, and she wants to know how to improve their communication so they can mend their relationship and get back together. Our final caller needs help asking out a guy she’s been talking to for six months. She’s scared of rejection, but tired of waiting for him to ask her out, so we help her craft a message.  “Make him feel safe.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ZocDoc - Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. BetterHelp - Get a break from your thoughts, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Quince - Check out all the styles at Quince today. Go to https://www.Quince.com/viall for free shipping and 365-day returns on your order. Drizly - Drizly is the go-to app for drink delivery. Download the Drizly app or go to https://www.Drizly.com/gifts and use code VIALL to receive $5 off or $0 delivery fee off your first order. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall and use code HELIXPARTNER20. This is their best offer yet and it won’t last long! With Helix, better sleep starts now. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

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The apartment. The apartment. Well, Derek and Allie are in the other room, like working hard. Working hard. Working very hard. We're literally running this operation. Captains. But they're not with us. Yeah.

Mom and dad of the household. Just their punk ass kids. Yeah. Well, you two are the punk ass kids. Obviously. What are you? God. Oh, and he's humble.

That's not the first time you said it. And yet it was just as surprising, just as shocking, just as hard for me to process as the first time you said it. Well, as I was telling Derek and Allie, we were having a leadership meeting. I'm like, you guys are like the mom and the dad of the company and, you know, whatever. They're like, what's that make you? And I just thought of it. Wow. God. God god what do we

have coming up this week uh i got a question for you yeah i was at a wedding this weekend what do you think of two heterosexual people greeting each other how do i want to phrase this what do you think of a man approaching a lady in a relationship with the kissy cheeky whatever thing are they european nope i have never seen it been done never seen it been done nope okay i feel like it's such a cultural thing like i because in italy it's like it's like you're rude if you don't do that what do do you think of an American man? Well, but that's a bit like, but if I say it's cultural, so there could be like trickle down. Like some people I think are just like more affectionate.

What do you think of an American man who, to my understanding, has no deep European roots, doesn't have family in Spain they visited every summer, has no reason other than one day they saw it on a movie, I'm assuming. Did they do this to the other people that they greeted i have no idea i assume so i don't think it's like a that's a really important piece of this because what if he wants to kiss this girl here's what happened okay pray tell a friend of ours and i i quite like this person our friends actually we have another we have a group of couple friends and my guy buddy doesn't like this other guy because this person everyone in social settings sometimes just acts inappropriately

you know like our couple friends are very much in a very committed relationship and he will talk to her as if like our friend's not there it's just like it's like dude what are you doing and the person the person in question how can i say this it just isn't a threat okay yeah it's not like this person who doesn't like i'm speaking too fucking cryptically yeah i'm a little confused so there's a couple and then a single man or is he in a relationship as well? No, there's a couple

and a single man. And the single man is the one who doesn't like the boyfriend. The boyfriend doesn't like the single man. Oh, and which one isn't the threat?

The single man? Yeah. The single man is not a threat. And he's the one who gave kisses on the cheek. Yeah, he went

to greet Natalie with like a kiss on the cheek. But Natalie wasn't looking. Oh oh no and so when she realized so-and-so was greeting her she turned to greet and they you know like got pretty damn close to like a peck on the lips to which the immediate replies oh my god oh my god oh i'm so i'm sorry the single man got super awkward around me and left. And I didn't really think anything of it. I was kind of annoyed. I wanted at the time after the dust had settled, and if I would have saw him the next day, I might have put my arm around him in a very aggressive way and

said, maybe next time just don't put your lips anywhere near my fiance and something like that won't happen. After the dust settled, I was like, you're not fucking European. There's no reason for you to be like reading women in general, certainly women in relationships with a, like across the cheek, like that's not who you are why are you doing it you know or am i over seeing the situation i think am i being a little like territorial territorial well i think it's a key thing that you're like this is not who he is like i think the fact that because i we are not who he is he's not european no and i and i know what you mean because i do feel like there's certain people who it's like they're just like they're loose they maybe are like more passionate but or whatever

you just like they their greetings are on brand for who they are you know well this person's a very friendly person okay super friendly i mean by not who they are is they're not fucking european it was like one day they decided they watched a movie and were like i'm just gonna greet people like this it was just a choice that they decided to do. It wasn't their culture. Well, I mean, how did Natalie feel about it? What do you mean? It was just more like weird and awkward and none of us really cared per se. But it was just more like, why are you trying to greet Natalie by kissing her on the cheek? Well, that's why I think it's like

you don't know her that well. Like, yeah, we're all friends-ish. But like, it's not part of your culture. It's not how you greet, I guess, everyone. Because the people you're talking about, they do that with men and women. It's not a gender thing. Men will greet men and do the kiss on the cheek thing,

like with certain Europeans, right? You don't get to like pick and choose who you do that with. And I'm assuming he's only doing that with single women, but he's not doing it with other heterosexual males. He's never done it with me. He's never said hello to me by kissing me on the cheek. So why is he doing that? Well, the reason I ask how Natalie feels about it, because I feel like that's when you kind

of know if it's like a territorial thing or if it's like, hey, this is like she didn't want to have an awkward peck on the lips moment with him in public. Right. But do you think she would have been totally like unfazed if it had just ended up being like the cheek kiss thing? Oh, I wouldn't. We wouldn't even be having this conversation. It wasn't like he kissed her on the cheek and I was like, how dare you? What are you doing? he kissed her on the cheek and I was like how dare you what are you doing it was the result of the whole situation where he went up to her to greet her without even like without even her knowing that he was there to greet her he snuck up on her literally snuck up on her not that he was trying to sneak up on her but in the moment like of like kind of feeling his presence from

the side she turned and then at the same time like simultaneously kiss each other on the lips baby peck harmless no big deal but it was the whole like wait what just happened you kissed my fiancee on the lips well how did that happen it's just like your lips were like an inch away from her face and i'm thinking just maybe don't fucking ever do that. Like your lips don't need to be near her face ever. I wonder if he's like, I'm at a wedding. All my friends are getting like married and having children. I'm an adult now. Maybe for the first time ever, I'll try this on for size.

And it went so horribly wrong. It's definitely not what happened. Okay. Hmm. I mean, he obviously didn't intend to do this and you just said if he had just kissed her on the cheek you probably wouldn't be feeling this way or bringing this up i wouldn't even have noticed i wouldn't have thought twice about it but it's more a combination of a hearing my other friends frustrations about the same guy yeah that like you know i'm in a

relationship with her right you know and not that he's never doing anything where you're you're not threatened by him you don't you're not worried about your partner you know at all and like it's just a general lack of disrespect that like that person's in a relationship with the other person and like i don't know like when i was a single man and if a woman was in a relationship with another guy i would treat her differently right i would just be more mindful i just be more mindful of like not doing that shit like that and it is that's what and that's why i bring it up because it is subtle it's like a subtle and i'm because i'm thinking the more i thought about i was just like maybe just don't fucking put your lips near other women who you don't aren't sure they want to kiss you i think you are

obviously so justified to like have a reaction to that and be just kind of like whoa why is he doing this i think in terms of like saying that is he the kind of guy who would like talk shit about you behind your back and be like like and like really twist the story and be like yo like nick was so weird about this and like so weird about don't you ever put your lips near my girlfriend and like like do you know what i ever put your lips near my girlfriend and like like do you know what i mean like would he be dramatic and amplify because i think that would be more this is not really about like should i call this guy up and talk call i mean it's over i've really it's not an active situation this is not an active situation but it's just more

would i have been wrong had i took a step further and been like hey man like maybe just don't ever fucking put your lips close to her face and stuff like this won't happen because i'm thinking they're just there shouldn't have been a situation where you put yourself in a situation to accidentally kiss my fiance and i feel like there are certain boundaries of people in relationship where like i just that wouldn't have happened with me I wouldn't walk up to some woman and kiss her on the cheek to greet her because I'm not fucking European I don't do that you know if someone does it to me I respond in kind or whatever and kind of like oh I guess someone's kissing me on the cheek great that's not who I am and I don't think this person does this with everyone they see i

think they only do it with certain heterosexual women who presumably they would be interested in pursuing if they weren't in a relationship well again in this scenario of the two women we're referring to like he would just be super lucky right right you know i'm not saying this person has a crush on natalie or this other person i'm. I'm assuming based off of who they are and who Natalie and this other person are, he would have been flattered by their interest if there was. Totally. Yeah. I want to hear what people have to say in the comments because I feel like I'm not like, oh, that's fully out of line, but I also don't know if it's fully necessary to say something. I don't have a strong enough opinion on this where i'm like i feel the need to like police your the way you want to handle that kind of thing but i'm curious

about the people and my friend in the relationship his general take has always been like i just don't like his general behavior around my partner knowing that we're in a committed relationship and it's nothing anything like egregious or obvious it's always like this like lack of boundaries and respect for people in a relationship it is definitely not because i think this guy's up to something or anything like that is just a lack of self-awareness and boundaries and respect i think that's so valid what do overall? Well, I feel like that extra tidbit is like coloring the situation in a different way.

Like I'm curious what people think with like an unknown man that we're talking about. Like it's no one specific. Is it weird in general for like a guy who is, you know, straight, not in a relationship

to kiss a woman on the cheek? You know, the fact that he is already like you guys already feel this way about him like that's oh i did it but it was he my other friend do you now i have now experienced what my other friend has multiple examples of yeah and like again it's weird because it's like the situation itself was a nothing situation i didn't fucking care i'm not one of those guys who's like oh my's like the situation itself was a nothing situation i didn't fucking care i'm not one of those guys who's like oh my god like and like whatever it was obviously an accident it's just that some guys will act differently around women than they do men and then there are guys who will act differently around available women and single women and he seems to act the

same around women in general, regardless if they're in a relationship or not. Hmm. Has he been in many relationships? I don't think so. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, sus.

Definitely sus. I don't think it's sus. It's just a lack of respect for relationships. I just mean like sus in the sense that it's like there's something off about it. Not like, oh, he's scheming, but just like- It's definitely not him scheming. There's just something about it. Like not like, oh, he's scheming, but just like. It's definitely not him scheming. Like there's just something like that's just like, like, why do you not read the room in this way?

Like, why do you not know this? These people aren't available to you for you to go and kiss on the cheek. Yeah. Has there ever been a way that either like, well, I presume, I presume your boyfriend's very well behaved. Has there ever been a way that somebody else has greeted him or like shown a kind of like physical affection that's like made you feel a little off or weird? Um, not really. Like, has that happened to you? No, there was like one time where I was meeting up with him at a bar where he was playing pool and I walked in and he was having like a one on one conversation with a girl. And I walked in and he was having like a one on one conversation with a girl.

We had other friends there, but like this girl was like standing at the table. He was sitting next and they were like engrossed in conversation. And it wasn't like it wasn't something where I was like, oh, this is unacceptable or this is not cool. But I was like, I think I kind of had that instinctual like, oh, like kind of reaction. But then my boyfriend, he mentioned it later and he was like, oh, my God, like right right when you walked in like it's this girl who I like see like that's her boyfriend right over there like so it was like I think there's times where like the alarm bells can or like not even the alarm bells can sound but where you're like the dogs are like sniffing in the air being like do we have to like go on the chase and then they're like no we don't we simply don't it's all good I feel like that's the question we're asking is like do guys have to treat women

differently if they're in a relationship or if they're in a relationship? But what's that to do with ability to be friends or not? Well, because I think it's about like boundaries and implied. Like if you have to put up all these boundaries, like is that really a friendship? Well, all relationships have boundaries, regardless of what the relationship is. have boundaries regardless of what the relationship is. I think in heterosexual relationships, friendships or romantic wise, there's always a layer of sexual tension and possibility. And so while I think men and women who are straight can have platonic relationships,

I think they're hard to trust and they're temporary and even if they're platonic they still play they still sometimes play the role of the boyfriend or the girlfriend and i think it's really easy to like that and without necessarily without being fully aware of liking that like i think there's like i look back on like friends that i've like guy friends that i've had liking that like i think there's like i look back on like friends that i've like guy friends that i've had when i was single where i'm just like oh there are definitely some ways where i like liked someone filling this role that i was like not fully aware of at the time we're kind of like oh it's kind of like partner-y yeah i mean it's just more like you can have a a friend of the opposite sex that you don't want to fuck that you are genuinely when people ask oh we're just friends that you still like the company of the man or the woman you know just

to have that kind of male energy or that female energy to have around when you're single which is different than like going to dinner with your bros or your girls, you know? And that plays a role, which is why many of those genuine platonic relationships still like fade away over time when you actually find a romantic relationship. Going off of this question, do you think you can be friends with someone who you like think is hot?

Not necessarily have like a deep pull or attraction to that you explore or anything like that where you're just like objectively you're a very hot person i don't want not hot people in my life though you know what i mean you think i'm associating like what do you think nick about like again i think it's more like i think you can they can be hot but i think when it comes to platonic friendship you have to make an active choice to be friends you have to have an active choice to be friends. You have to have certain boundaries. Like I don't have to have certain boundaries with my guy friends because

I'm not attracted to men. And I don't have to tell myself, Hey Nick, this like, just for the sake of this friendship, like, like make sure you're acting a certain way. But I've never had a platonic friendship with a woman that didn't naturally require certain boundaries. Yeah. It's like if I spent the night sleeping in the same bed with my straight guy friend, there's no like making sure I have to act a certain way, you know, or have a conversation the next morning.

But if for some reason I have to do that with a woman friend, I, I, I'm just going to be mindful of my behavior. You know, I'm going to be mindful of how I act because she is a woman friend, I'm just going to be mindful of my behavior. I'm going to be mindful of how I act because she is a woman and I'm a man. And there's always that possibility. And I think if you don't have that self-awareness, that's a problem. I also think it does wonders for your partner, like a mutual friend or like my boyfriend's really good friend who I've gotten to know and adore. One time she was like in passing, she was just like, oh yeah or like my boyfriend's really good friend who I've gotten to know and adore. One time she was like in passing, she was just like, oh, yeah, like your boyfriend's really good about. He's like never borderline flirty with people like nowhere near that.

Like he never behaves in a way where they could possibly misinterpret that. And like hearing that, I was like, oh, what a magical little relief. Like not that I was worried he was, but like he's a really outgoing, like friendly guy. And just like hearing her say like he is notably different from a lot of other men I know just in the sense that he is like super mindful of that. That's an act of fucking choice. And when I'm in a relationship, I go out of my way to make it obvious I'm not available at the risk of certain people thinking I'm rude or off-putting. I would rather have another woman think I'm an asshole or rude than have her think I'm flirting with her when I'm in a relationship. And I don't want my actions to be misconstrued as anything other than loyalty to my partner. And that is a choice people in relationships can make.

A thousand percent. And that's kind of my logic to this other guy. It's just like, you know, platonic or not, I think men and women who are heterosexual, yeah, there's a certain level of self-awareness and respect even if you don't want to fuck them and things like that of you just like you should you know they're not your gay friends or your you know your friend that where there's no

possibility of something happening you know and there's a level of respect that you you know you should act a certain way when you're in a relationship and you should act a certain way towards people in a relationship totally yeah it's like the difference between like if I'm in a relationship and a like

because it's I feel like with all like all my queer friends who are like female or not like you know it's like very it's it's easy totally different scenario easy piece no issues but like I think with like specifically like straight male friends like I'm not gonna tuck in their label on their shirt I'm gonna be like hey your label's out right you know like it's just little things like that where you just like uphold boundaries a perfect example you know

it's like it's not like oh if you tuck in your label you're gonna fuck someone but it is just a level of like kind of consideration but yes we've we have calls of people calling in asking about like well i'm friends with this person and we will read signals like fucking crazy and try to break them down with our friends and that's always on the table in heterosexual relationships that have evolved into i wonder if i have feelings for this person you know so respecting the possibility of that ever happening even if you don't think it's ever a possibility they might then you need to be mindful about how your actions are received, you know? Right.

And you've got to be so self-aware because I think it's really easy to secretly like get off on the possibility of what if, like when you're single. Like I was like, there was when I was single in Australia, I had this really close friend who I had a huge crush on. He was like this like dreamy Australian surfer guy who was like five years older than me and we would go and he had a long distance girlfriend so like nothing ever happened but like we would go shopping together and i would like you know pass jeans over you know just like stuff like that where i'm like there's certain like there was something going on there that was like not fully platonic and i think it like kind of provides

this like safe validation space where you're like well i'm never gonna know because i'm never actually gonna do anything that would like cross a line or be like that overt but you can kind of like in your head like covet it a little bit in a way that's like a little little icky or a little not ideal i've talked about this before in previous episodes but i had two platonic friendships with women that started after we initially hooked up and then we lost touch and reconnected this happened at two different two times of times in my life and then when the friendships really took off it was very platonic we had boundaries we respected we but that's a thing we didn't ever spend the night we would go out we'd have fun we'd talk about each other's

dating lives and things like that but like i would never like spend the night or anything you know what i'm saying because like we did hook up once. They were very attractive women. So clearly I was already attracted to them. I had once asked them out. We had hooked up. But then when we hung out just as friends, totally completely as friends, there was never weird moments, whatever.

But yeah, when we went to dinner or had movies, we were still filling that role of female or male companionship. And just if nothing else, going out companionship, you know, and like just if nothing else, going out together and having people know, wondering if we were dating made us feel good about ourselves. That's the best way to say it. To know that like people might think we're dating and you know what? They might think we look cute together.

And honestly, I just want to know that people think I could be in a relationship because I've been single for so goddamn long type of thing. Just all these little thoughts that go through our heads. It might be totally platonic, but it's not the same as your bros or your girls or with your gay friends. It's different. And pretending it's the same is you lying to yourself. Totally.

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questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Pop off in the off in the comments we'd love for you to especially on youtube let us know what you think weigh in yeah it's interesting yeah i wasn't sure because like my instinct is always to like not make a big deal about it i'm not one of those like overly macho guys who feels like i needed i didn't need to prove anything you're not the whistleblower on the bachelor i what this wasn't a threat to my relationship you know now and i didn't give a shit but it was more like that felt inappropriate and it felt most importantly avoidable and it was like how could we avoid this it's like well maybe don't put your fucking lips near all these women's mouths you've only said fucking lips you never once because it's just annoying get your fucking

lips out my girlfriend's cheek it's just like what the fuck fucking lips out of my girlfriend's cheek. It's just like, what the fuck, dude? You know, and I know it's just him not having that, a little amount of respect for the relationship that these people are in. And if he just said, hey, you know, that person's in a relationship, he's not taking that into consideration. Certainly.

Okay. All right. Let's get to our call. Question time with Nick. Let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going good what's how are you good what's your name my name is stephanie and i'm 33 how can we help stephanie so my ex-boyfriend reaches out every time his wife is pregnant and i would love it to stop okay how long have you been broken up with this ex literally like 10 years probably now and

when I mean other than the odd what do you mean by he reaches out every time his wife gets pregnant he is now going to be on his third child and the last three times like we went years without talking and the last three times that he's reached out to me literally two days later it's announced on facebook that they're having a baby what the last three times so what was the and he's on yes so the first time was their first child that probably like she's probably five by now is he having a fourth child no she just means like this is the third time and it's happened okay and the first times did you answer the call it's just through text it's not a call did you respond to the text yeah like what is he saying also he just says like

how are you um how's your life like we talk about you know how life is going whatever and then um he will step into like sexual stuff he'll ask for pictures he will talk about our previous, like our sex life when we were dating. I mean, he goes really far down that rabbit hole. Do you have these messages? No, I deleted. I blocked him and deleted the messages. Okay. But how much, if at all, have you responded to this? I responded to it, but I didn't partake. Like, if that makes sense. I kind of tried to shut it down, like, with one-word answers. So, he reaches

out, right? He's like, hey, how's it going? Out of nowhere. Hey, what's up? How's life? And then, as soon as he starts sexting you, like, what are you responding with? It's not so much sexting. It's just, like, remember for that time. time i guess what are you

responding with is my question i'm like responding when he's like remember that time when this happened i'll say yeah i remember what and i'll say why like why are you talking about this and he'll just be like oh i'm just reminiscing and then he'll say something else along the same lines i want to keep the friend well not anymore really i guess but we've had a good friendship we were friends before we dated that was a decade ago yeah it was yeah it was so we're not it was a decade we're not friends with this guy and you said you blocked him i blocked him on my on my phone yeah and how is he now reaching out well after this conversation i blocked him yeah what was that conversation um the same thing he i mean he was begging me to send inappropriate pictures he got mad at me

because i didn't what do you mean he got mad at you he was like why would you not why would you not send me a picture this is ridiculous like he was mad at me because I didn't send him a picture and then you blocked him at the end I said I'm I'm discontinuing this conversation this is ridiculous and I ended the conversation and then i blocked him okay so is the problem solved i mean i i guess it is solved if i blocked him but what from your point of view why would he keep reaching out to his ex during these times whenever his wife is pregnant before they announce i i don't know if i'm being honest there there's something about your story that doesn't seem to be adding up okay i i don't know you know

but you know you started the conversation be like my ex always reaches out when he he's pregnant announces the pregnancy you know inappropriate sound you know you blocked him great you know i was a little confused as to why you were responding at all. I was a little confused by your statement of wanting to maintain this friendship after finding out this friendship only existed more than a decade

ago prior to you guys entering into a romantic relationship and then you entered in a romantic relationship. Who broke up with who? Like it ended? What happened? He broke up with who like it ended what what happened he broke up with me via text message okay so like the more i'm talking it out the more i'm like why was i trying to maintain this but i just i wanted to maintain the friendship for what purpose because we have fun together i mean when did you have when did you have fun together before we broke up?

When you were in a relationship, you had fun and then he ended it. Right. So he's reaching out and there is something about him reaching out, despite you knowing that it's wrong and inappropriate and good for you for not indulging in it. But there is something about him reaching out that deep down you like, and you want more of on some level, because you're overcomplicating a very simple problem, which as far as I'm, for what I'm hearing, you've already solved the problem. You don't even really need our help. You know, your problem was, hey, I need to stop this. And now, you know, you've blocked him again, maybe he might find a new way to reach out to you. And if you haven't blocked him on social media, you can go ahead and do that as well. And I'm assuming now that when he texts you, he'll realize he's blocked or you won't respond and he'll get the point.

But up into this point, my guess is it sounds like you've done just enough to entice him to keep reaching out right and maybe that just enough is you simply responding because it makes no sense that you respond at all your ex-boyfriend reached out years later and you knew he was not only in a relationship but was married and you're responding and despite his inappropriateness you know that has nothing to do with your choice to respond and you know i'm not trying to give you you know he's the one who's in the wrong but at the same time you're you're not entirely the victim here the real victim is his wife and you are doing just enough. And it sounds to me like maybe you've been lying to yourself just a tad and doing the thing that people do and saying, well, I just want to be friends.

And then that allows you to give yourself permission to respond to someone you have no business responding to. Right. And you've given yourself a green light by pretending and you know adding a little delusion into the equation by you know saying well you know i just want to be friends for someone you were friends with a decade ago and it's like oh we had fun we had fun together like a different side of it it's all making sense and i feel really stupid i mean you know don't feel stupid like it, it's human,

you know? And, and I think the fact that you called in is probably an indication that you knew there was like a little something more to the situation, but like, now that you know, it's like, yeah,

you want to hold yourself to a higher standard. Cause especially now that you know, like you'll only feel worse if you kind of behave the same way. And anytime someone breaks up with us and and we're sad about that and our egos are bruised them reaching back out whenever is a small little consolation prize of well maybe they still care about me maybe they still think about me and that feels makes us feel good and if they hit us up in periods of loneliness, I don't know, what's your dating life like right now?

I'm not dating anyone. Okay. So like there might've been times where you felt a little lonely or missing that connection. You know, you associate connection with him because at one point you two were connected and when he reaches out, again, it feels a little good, but you at least have the moral compass knowing that like you, you shouldn't be reaching out to him, but you at least have the moral compass knowing that like you you shouldn't be reaching out to him but you're you're still playing along with him a little bit you're playing that game and then like the biggest indicator that nothing isn't making sense

is that your last question you're like well you know i blocked him but why i'm really calling because i want to know why is he reaching out like Like who gives a shit? I don't care why. And I certainly can't tell you why. And I don't know him, but the point is he shouldn't be the why doesn't matter, you know, because you're kind of deep down hoping that I'm going to say, well,

maybe he, you know, maybe he likes you or maybe he misses you, or maybe he's unhappy in his current relationship, you know? And I don't, I don't really care of, about the why maybe he's unhappy in his current relationship you know and i don't i don't really care of about the why because he's married and he's having kids with someone else and he broke up with you and he's not it's not as if he called you up and said hey you know can we talk and i just left my wife and you know this is weird but you know i've been thinking about you and you know

then if that were the case you could consider it but he's reaching out to you and having expectations of you as if you two were still in a relationship and as wrong as you know that is there is something about it that makes you feel good and even though you get to say no to him the ask makes you feel good that's it And you entertaining him is because you still like that he asks. And you've told yourself that you saying no is protecting your character. But it's not.

Well, I mean, you're not doing the, you know, I don't think you need to be that hard on yourself, you know, you know. But I think you've been slightly dishonest with yourself. These aren't strong character choices, but it's not the end of the world. You are at the end of the day doing the right thing by not entertaining him.

I'm nitpicking. This is more about you just being able to be honest with yourself. This is not about me trying to make you feel bad for your decisions. Okay. So why aren't you dating right now? I'm just kind of working on myself.

What does that mean? Hold on. My dad just passed away. So I'm just kind of getting myself together. I moved away from my hometown about a year ago and haven't really explored the dating life down here. So I'm just kind of building myself up, I guess. Working on my self-confidence, working out, working. Just kind of taking time for myself. That's great.

What's your friend situation? Down here, I don't really have any. Okay. That's what I would focus on right now keep focusing on yourself you know the working out whatever if that makes you feel good great is what i'm doing taking care of me i think those are questions you should ask yourself and then prioritize friendships get yourself out there join groups you know improv some whatever class there there are classes out there.

There are social events. Look into that. There are dating apps that have friend features. Actually, as bad as dating apps are, I think they're pretty good in terms of making friends. Or if there's something that, like, if there's, like, a cause or area that, you know, your dad really cared about, like, maybe there's a volunteer opportunity in that lane. That's a great idea. I never thought of that. Because I think right now again your weakness and

responding him i think is purely out of loneliness and boredom you know and understandable and like and missing that connection you've then you've had this tragic loss of your father another connection that you're used to and you find comfort in that you will no longer have and that obviously sucks and you know it's going to take time to process that. But in the meantime, make some friends and that'll take some time and be vulnerable and put yourself out there. You want to, you want to make some friends. It's hard to date in general. It's, it's even harder to date where you put all your eggs in one basket and, and that basket being hoping that, you know, you can meet someone that you not only like, but like can be your friend

and kind of keep you company. And just like, that's a lot for anyone to handle, but, you know, you can meet someone that you not only like, but like can be your friend and kind of keep you company. And just like, that's a lot for anyone to handle, but, you know, invest in yourself, you know, keep working on yourself, do things that make you feel good about yourself, go out and make some friends. And even if it's just one or two friends, just having a couple of girlfriends, you know, or a gay bestie, you know, whatever it is. Yeah, I'd love that. Try to stay away from the platonic male friendships for now, because those can be pretty confusing. Yeah. Give yourself a little bit of grace.

It might take some time. How old are you again? 33. Okay. You're still young. Am I? Yes. Yes.

I don't feel young. Well, you're never, you know, I think you stop feeling young when you turn 25. Very true. Even before that. But it's one of those things. You have to wait till you turn 25 to rent a car. And turning 25 is the last time the world or society is telling you you're too young for anything. Right.

That's kind of what I mean. But you are super young. I mean, everyone should just assume they're going to live till they're 85 or 90. I don't know if you are super young i mean everyone should just assume they're going to live till they're 85 or 90 i don't know if you are and if you don't that sucks but like whatever but let's assume that you are and in those schemes like you have so many years left right yeah so take the time for me right now yeah so don't waste time worrying about what you haven't done. Think about how much you have left to do. And when you turn 70, you can start worrying about how much time you may or may not have. But until 70, you're kind of just wasting your own time by worrying about how old you are. Yeah, I think also people are creatures of habit. And so it takes like something tremendously painful. Like for me, like it is like something I need to be forced to change in certain areas. Like, yeah, we all have areas where it's like, oh, easy peasy improvement. But like we're creatures of habit. And so it takes something like that is like a goddamn emotional earthquake in my life for stuff to get shaken up and I'm so sorry you're going through this and I would never never never wish this on you knowing that it is happening and that you are finding your way through it and knowing that like the tiny silver lining is that this is a real opportunity in all of this like tumultuousness and feeling unsettled and feeling lonely that like you have no choice but to change because

you know you want to get yourself to a better place and like using that as an opportunity and as a motivation. And also just like, I think you're going to be so proud of the way you build yourself back up. Thank you. It's definitely going to be hard work, but I'm here for it.

I'm here for it. Do you follow each other on social media? Yeah, we do. But I'm going to block him on there. Block him. Do not ever respond to him the why doesn't matter it's just such a douchebag move that's his problem that's his problem it sucks it really sucks that he reached out it's so shitty yeah it is and the fact that he's done it twice before you know i just like i didn't under i don't understand why guys do that like why yeah but again

the night before his freaking wedding too i know amanda's gonna be the empathetic queen that she is and i but i'm gonna be the tough love person here that's his problem you know you're going through a lot right now and you are a victim of having to deal with the tragic loss of a parent you are not a victim of him anymore, though. And you're mad he reached out three times because you responded three times. And true. And why? I don't know.

And it's not like why guys do this. You know, I don't know why people people do shit when they're bored and unhappy. And I don't know. You're not a therapist or a psychologist and you're certainly not his friend. It's just not your problem. Your problem is you find it entertaining and it keeps you preoccupied and it's something to worry about

and it's dramatic and it's drama and we like drama more than we like to admit because it's not boring. Right. You need to practice controlling your thoughts. And when you ask yourself, why did he do that? You need to say, stop it. It doesn't matter.

It's none of my business. The point is he's married. We're not friends. We're not in a relationship. It's inappropriate. I don't care why. And every time you ask yourself why about something or someone, you are investing energy in that why.

So when you ask why about a guy, you're investing energy in that why. So when you ask why about a guy, you're investing energy in that guy. And if you're asking why about a guy who is married or in a relationship, then you are investing energy in a guy who's married. Right. Okay. That makes sense. And it's none of my business. Yeah. And you need all your energy to focus on like you healing and you getting settled and you building yourself up. Yeah. need all your energy to focus on like you healing and you getting settled and you building yourself up yeah and i hear you on the i'm sure it is a distraction from something you want to be distracted of which is obviously the passing your father but there's other things you can distract

yourself with distract yourself with things that like we said before make you feel good about yourself give you a sense of pride or purpose distract yourself with the stresses of making friends and the drama behind that, you know? Right. Okay. Huh? This helps.

All right. I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you. Sorry for your loss, but I'm glad we were able to nip this in the bud, so to speak. Yeah, definitely.

Give me something to think about for sure. No more wise about guys. No more wise about guys. No more wise about guys. Who you have no future in. No more wise about guys who lies. Who lies. Yeah, for sure. All right.

Well, thank you guys. All right. Take care. Yeah. And email us. Let us know like what thing you do. Like I would love for you to like challenge yourself. I don't know whether it's like a week, two weeks, a month to like have an update for us we were like this is the thing

i'm now involved with like i showed up to this bar trivia and asked a table if i could join their team i found this volunteer organization i found this pottery class like any any anything like something okay yeah we want an update on your friendship finders or your pursuit of friendships. Okay. And to Amanda's point, we want you to get out there, be active, join some sort of social club. And by social club, I mean, you know, bar trivia, bowling, pottery, whatever the fuck it is, doesn't matter. Yeah. People who are also interested in getting out of their apartment and socializing and

taking the risk of meeting strangers and hoping developing meaningful connections. It's never not going to be scary to meet strangers. So you might as well get it over with. So that way you get the benefit of like friends as soon as possible. Right. Okay. Challenge accepted. All right.

We'll talk soon. Thank you. All right. Good luck. Thanks. All right. Bye bye. Yeah.

We'll talk soon. All right. Thank you, guys. All right. Good luck. Thanks. All right. Bye-bye. Yeah.

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How's it going? It's going as good as a candy. What's your name? My name is Megan. How old are you? I'm 30. And how can we help? The man that I thought that I was gonna marry uh just asked for a break. Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah me too.. When did he ask for a break? We had a little bit of an argument on Friday, like right before I went into work over the timing of me booking an Airbnb for a trip home to a family wedding that we RSVP'd to like months ago.

I went to work and I cried all day. And then when I left, I called him and was just like, hey, um, I am sorry for the way that that went down earlier. Why did you apologize? Um, just because like, I understood that like, I should have booked the Airbnb earlier and I didn't. And I feel like he got stressed out from that. So I guess I apologize for causing him stress. Okay. I need to rewind. I need to rewind for a second here. To be clear, how long have you guys been dating?

A year and a half. Okay. I've been dating for a year and a half. Okay. Plenty of time. You have some rapport. Do you guys live together? No, but we had just started talking about living together.

So you don't live together. You've been dating for a year and a half. You guys got invited to a wedding. Yeah. It's my little cousin's wedding. Okay. Wedding is when? Saturday. This Saturday? Uh-huh gotcha and a week before the

wedding you booked an airbnb i was going to i was waiting to like link up with him and be like just to like i don't know hey does this one sound cool cool bucket so i found one and i was like is this one okay and he was like sure and i was like okay it'll be this much for me and this much for you and he was like i thought you were paying for it and i was like oh so the fight was over money essentially yeah okay that was the end of that conversation but then when i called him later is like when like it really popped off so he was like well you're just like like aggressive and i was like aggressive like what do you mean he's like like like that was really stressful about like the

airbnb and whatever and like your paycheck to paycheck living is like stressful for me i was like oh okay what does he mean by that we had had the conversation about moving in together uh about a month and a half ago. And we are kind of starting to think about the logistics of that. And he was like, you said you need a promise of engagement before we move in together. And I was like, I didn't say that. I said that I want to make sure that we're on the same page about our futures before we make the big step in moving in together. It wasn't like I was coming at them like ring or nothing. I don't think the conversation about moving in should ever be

negotiation. And yet it almost often is nowadays. I do strongly feel that moving in with each other shouldn't be negotiation. It should be a mutual choice that requires people mutually to be both mutually excited. And the ones are like yeah i would love a movie with you too and oh i would love to move with you then you sit down and kind of figure out the adult conversations that are required when two two adults move in with each other and like well and that will shift the dynamic of the relationship so i guess i'm trying to get to the root of what's going on with the two of you, right? Because it sounds like you're confused about what the fuck is going on. Yeah, so let me just reference this quick argument

that we had in the first 30 days of us dating. We decided that we were dating and I was like, cool. If we're dating, I have things that I'm trying to do. I wanna have kids and I wanna get married. That argument turned, that escalated and he, or heated Like, I want to have kids and I want to get married. That argument turned like that escalated and he, or he did conversation, I guess, whatever. And he was just like, I don't know if I want those things. Mind you, the both of us are divorced, but he was like, I don't know if I want those things. And if you want an answer right now, it's no, but I was like, okay, I get

that it's like super early, but like, I just kind of want, I know exactly what I want. So I wanted to lay it on the table. And I, if you know a hundred percent ever that you don't want any of those things, like, I just need you to be honest with me and tell me. Why are you having heated conversations about what you want out of a relationship that shouldn't be contentious? You know, but like, yeah. so i never brought it up again after that conversation like we just i was like i'm just gonna chill i realized that that was too soon shouldn't have said anything like that the rest of the year and a half like goes by up until this point and he has made like little comments here and there like somebody was talking about marriage

nearby and he's like you would be blah blah blah like this would be your marriage nearby and he's like, you would be blah, blah, blah, blah. Like this would be your last name. And I was like, Oh, got a nice ring to it and like logged it. And then he was like, I'm playing with the dog one day. And he's like, Oh, like the dog's good with kids, like completely unprompted. And like, he'll say like super misleading things like that. And then when it came up to that conversation that we had on Friday night, he was like, like that and then when it came up to that conversation that we had on friday night he was like and you just keep like saying that like you want to get married and like i don't want to do that and like i 100 don't want to have kids and i was like whoa like i asked you about this like 30 days into our relationship if you're on the same page as me and he says like that he already told me that um i should have known marriage doesn't mean anything

and uh like having kids is not something that he's gonna do i just and then after that he was just like i just i just want a break and i was like a break like but in the same breath you're saying that we have fundamental differences that you're that we can't reconcile. Like, what? So the next day, I needed to get my easy pass out of his car. So I hit him up. And I was like, Hey, can I come grab that? So I did. So I ended up going there last night, actually, and just told him like, where my head was at throughout the whole relationship. And like how I took him saying, like, I don't know if I want any of those things about like marriage and kids, because like, he had a really shitty marriage. And like, so did I like I get that I get how you can have a bad taste in your mouth about that. He had a relationship after he got divorced with this woman that had two kids. And that ended tumultuously. And I can see how maybe like that the kid thing also put a bad taste in his mouth, like maybe that broke his but like i guess i kind of thought that like as our relationship grew like we might we might be able to get there how are you planning on getting there or did you just think that magic wherever

you wanted to go you literally just said i thought we would get there i assume with marriage and kids and things like that and my question to you is yeah what was the plan? I'm being rhetorical. You didn't have a plan, I guess is what I'm saying. And that's what a lot... It's just like, I thought we'd get there. And you just thought that would magically happen because time. I just thought because of as our relationship grew and there was just such an initial spark. How are you growing your relationship? I don't know. Dating, getting deeper into intimacy, into the relationship, into like... Well, that's what I'm saying. So you tell me if I'm hearing your relationship wrong, but here's what I've heard from you, right? Two people who got out of divorces, had some

baggage in their past relationship as we all often have as adults, right? Yeah. Sounds like they were both individually painful for you both. You come across, both of you, as a couple, as two people who haven't really worked through that. More importantly, you also come across as a couple that isn't really great with communicating with one another. It sounds like you guys, more often than not, living your own thoughts and make a bunch of assumptions about what you hope the other person does

or what you think the other person is going to do or is thinking. And then every once in a while out of mostly likely frustration, you, for example, will just like blurt out like your expectations. Well, I want to get married. I want to make sure you want to get married. Almost like out of a sense of panic because you haven't really brought it up organically or you haven't sit down as a couple and just had a chat. Sounds like you were like like i want to have kids and i want to make sure you have kids and i need an answer you know you i think you're have a you apply pressure to situations that need to have pressure taking off of them and then when that conversation doesn't go as well as you hoped it does you both just say you know what let's just table it uh i don't want to stress you out this

i wasn't trying to stress you out i'm sorry sorry. Let's just pretend it doesn't happen. And then for the next, I don't know, six months, instead of having conversations about this, you're just reading tea leaves. And you're reading these little moments of where he mentions about a dog liking kids or things like that, because you're too afraid to have the conversation that went poorly the first time. So you don't want to upset him and you're not sure how to bring it up. So you don't talk about it. And then you guys aren't really connecting. And when I ask questions like, how are you guys growing your relationship? You don't have an answer. I'm not trying to pick on you. It's very common, unfortunately. You know, most couples aren't like having some like, all right, what are our goals in this relationship? And that's fine.

Maybe he doesn't want to have kids. You know, maybe he doesn't want to get married. There are successful relationships out there that don't want to get Maybe he doesn't want to have kids. Maybe he doesn't want to get married. There are successful relationships out there that don't want to get married and don't want to have kids, but they're still finding ways to connect and they're still communicating. And they're still talking about what's the goal of the relationship? I don't know. What do we want out of this? Why are we here? And fine, you don't want to have kids. You don't want to get married. What do you want? Do you even know what his goals are for this relationship? What is the mutual goal between the two of you of how you guys are making each other feeling loved and connected? You guys are just going through the motions. Last night, I was like, so you don't want to get married or have kids or

whatever. Do you see a future with me? And he was like, yeah, I do. I just see just a future with you though. I don't see myself with anybody else but you but i just i don't want to have kids and i was like oh okay and you don't ever want to get married like you just want to be 60 and 70 years old and i'm your girlfriend because like i don't want to do that and he was like what's wrong with that i was like do you have commitment issues? Like, what is the problem? Like, if you're going to be with me anyway, then what, why are you so like, hardcore?

Can you hear me? Yeah. Okay. You're, you're, I appreciate you're frustrated and you're venting, but you're, you're not listening to me.

You're not hearing how you're sounding. Like I get, you're frustrated with it and you have the right to be frustrated with what's going on in your relationship. But you saying, do you have commitment issues is not going to get this guy to open up to you. It is not going to get this guy to feel connected with you. You're going to make him feel judged. You made him feel like he's doing something wrong. He has the right to not want to have kids. He has the right not to want to get married. Now, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who has similar interests and goals,

but it's not fair for you to judge him for that. As soon as you get disappointed, it sounds like you get reactive and start saying things that might trigger him. And you opened up this conversation by telling us that he feels stressed out by you, by telling us that he feels stressed out by you, that you, I don't know what else, you said something like- Aggressive. Aggressive, he called you aggressive. Mm-hmm.

And if I'm being honest, I get what he's saying in the minutes that we're talking, just by how you say you're communicating with him. But him, me being aggressive to him is like any kind of communication at all. here. I could picture you going into any conversation that's sensitive or you're not sure how it's going to go. And I can picture you going in fairly nice, fairly non-confrontational. But as soon as his attitude changes or he says something that you don't like, it immediately triggers you. And then you get defensive and you go more on the attack mode.

And even the attack mode is like this whole, like when you say like, what, do you have commitment issues? Like that's an accusation, that's an attack. And you are not going to get the type of response that you're looking for when you start throwing out accusations like that to your partner. And again, you have the right to be frustrated and disappointed. This is not about you're wrong to feel the way you are feeling. It's just more about how the two of you communicate things. Yeah. And the fact that you guys don't have a

relationship that welcomes constant checking in and communication about how each other's feeling about various topics, you guys have a habit of just bottling it up. You're not alone. Most couples, I think, do what you guys do. And then you ruminate over it inside and you build out your frustrations. And then you kind of, when you, when one person finally has the guts to confront the other, you're just fucking unleashing all your frustrations

out in a single moment. I get your frustration. Like I can imagine what it's like to date for someone for a year and a half and have them like blurt out, well, I never want to have kids. Because you kind of feel like, well, I told you a month in that I do. But in reality... I just feel like I was so clear.

Sure, but you were also... And I understand that it was early. But when we were talking about moving in together last night, because he said he just started to feel some kind of animosity from me around then, I agreed. I was like, yeah, because it got scary. It's scary to think about moving in with somebody when you don't even know if they see a future with you. And he was like, well, I can't even think about getting married if anytime soon or proposing or anything, if we've never lived together.

Well, you said earlier, well, I told him what I wanted. I thought I told him. And so in your mind, your version of this story is a month and a half and us dating. I told him I wanted to have kids. That's not the truth of the story. The truth of the story is you told me you want to have kids and he told you, I'm pretty sure I don't. And so you both come in from that truth. His truth is I told you I didn't want to have kids. Your truth is I told you I did want to have kids.

And what you both chose to do is just ignore that and hope the other person would come around. And neither of you did. And now you're both frustrated at each other for ignoring the other person being honest about where they were. Because, yeah, maybe his frustrations and fear around marriage have everything to do with his past relationships. Yeah. around marriage have everything to do with his past relationships yeah but this is not a a relationship where there's a lot of healthy conversations and checking in and making each other feel safe and secure and just allowing your partner to talk without judgment you know even if they say something that slightly disappoints you instead of saying well what do you have like

fucking you know commitment issues you could be like you know i'll be honest it's a little disappointing to hear but it's okay i'm processing you know like you guys are afraid to disappoint the other person because you guys are so reactive to disappointment that you're both just triggering the fuck out of each other and stressing each other out do you think that like this is something that i should like maybe try and like chill out and just continue the relationship. Or do you think what does chilling out mean to you? Like maybe I don't bring it up,

but then I just feel like it's going to be the same thing. I appreciate your honesty, but yeah, you're so your version of chilling out is wrong. Chilling out doesn't mean you ignore things, you know, chilling out isn't dismissing reality. It's not pushing down the things that you're

stressed about. It's not pretending there isn't an issue. That's not chilling out. Chilling out is just talking to your partner. Anytime you're frustrated, just say, okay, I just want to lead with the good, which is I still really love you. And any frustrations I have are out of fear of losing the good that we have. That being said, I do feel like we are struggling getting on the same page. But you know what? Let's not beat each other up. A lot of couples do. You guys need couples therapy. You do. And I know you seem frustrated. I want to pitch that. I want to go home for the weekend, whatever, and come back. And I want to pitch that idea. Would you be open to doing couples therapy with me? I know that we're struggling to get on the same page. We said that

last night. We both want to be with each other, but how do we do it? Well, I would start maybe with couples therapy. If he is not willing to do anything about the disconnect that you two seem to have, then maybe he's not your guy because a break isn't going to do anything. It just creates more frustration and more confusion. I know. But right now, he is stressed out by whatever expectations he thinks you have of him in the relationship. He doesn't have an answer. Genuinely, I don't think he has an answer he can give you that he thinks will satisfy you. So instead of that, he's just asking for a break, which is like a timeout from you having expectations of him. He just like was so mad when he asked for a break.

Like he really was like gunning for me. And then when he sat on it for a couple of days, like then he was fine and then he wanted to talk. So like he's frustrated and he doesn't know how to communicate to you and and that was a reactive thing he said if my therapist arlene were sitting on this couch with us she would say that you guys are in fight or flight mode every time you guys trigger each other and you're going to your child selves so to speak i'm guessing when you guys fight it probably feels like you are arguing with a child sometimes. It literally does. I bet he feels exact same way about you. That is nuts. But I mean, okay.

I think you just need to recognize a little bit that as frustrated as you are with him, it sounds like he has some very similar frustrations with you. And it's not a matter of who's right or who's wrong. You guys need to get on the same page. Like, I would love nothing more than that. But because he already said, like, I 100% don't want kids. Like, I know that he's telling me that, but like, I just, I'm struggling to believe it because I feel like I am coming at him like that. And then he's like, no. And that might be true, but you also have to consider the possibility he is in fact being honest. I mean, the kids things is important. It's important to

know that you're with someone who has similar goals like marriage and kids. That being said, right now, you can't even answer a simple question is how do you guys get on the same page? How do you guys stay connected? How do you advance your relationship? You said earlier, I just thought it would work itself out. I thought we would, as our relationship grows, how do you guys grow your relationship? Again, you don't need to grows, how do you guys grow your relationship? Again, you don't need to get married or have kids to grow your relationship. Relationships like business, you're either growing or dying. You're either staying or becoming more connected or you're growing further apart, you know? And if you don't actively choose as a couple to stay connected or grow your connection, you will be growing apart and you can't answer that question.

So you guys are just doing the very common thing is it's like, well, you know be growing apart and you can't answer that question. So you guys are just doing the very common thing is it's like, well, you know, we're comfortable with each other. We're boyfriend and girlfriend. I expect him to be there. This is the person I expect to have sex with. This is the person I expect to go to weddings with me because he's my boyfriend and he has expectations of you because you're his girlfriend. But other than that, you guys aren't like connecting. You're not growing your relationship. You're not becoming closer because neither of you are really prioritizing that. You're just taking the relationship for granted by assuming, stating that you're in a relationship, it will just organically work itself out.

And that's just not how relationships work. Do you think that it was like too much of me to ask that we were on the same page about our future as far as moving in together? Oh, absolutely not. No. No. But it's how you ask it that matters and not immediately making feel judged for giving you an answer that disappoints you.

Because from what I'm hearing, it just, it wouldn't shock me. For a guy who has reservations about kids and he already has a marriage that didn't work out. So he has reservations about marriage too. And he now has a relationship with you despite his love for you. And it sounds like there's a lot of good. I know we've been focusing on the bad. He is aware that kids add stress. He is aware that a marriage adds stress. So his only thoughts on marriage and kids is stress. And he's in a relationship with someone who, despite whatever good you have in this

relationship, you two don't handle stress very well. And so that doesn't make him want to have kids. Yeah. Here's what I would do if I were you. I would table the kids as much as I hate saying that because I do think you guys ignoring conversations isn't a good thing. But what I'm hearing, your biggest problem isn't figuring out whether he wants to have kids or want to get married and you two. Your biggest problem is that you guys aren't great at communicating your frustrations with one another. So if I were you, I would, if you get off the phone with us, I would just reach out to him and just say, listen, I love you. I miss you. I know we have a hard time communicating sometimes, but I really more than anything want to figure out if we can work on our connection and our communication, because losing

you and losing us is something I really don't want to consider. I do think we need to address some of our differences when it comes to kids or marriage. But I think before we even get there, I think we need to figure out whether we can be on the same page and focus on our connection and find ways to be a better couple because maybe that will change our perspective see what he responds to that but what if he says like well what's the point if you know that you want to have kids and i don't well that's how do i respond to that you kind of say well do you do you think there's no point do you do you love me and you could say listen if if you are literally 100

certain and you're not you're never willing to have a conversation with me then i i guess maybe there isn't a point but i feel like we could be much better communicators i think we could have a healthier relationship and i think we don't know the potential of our relationship and how good it really could be until we learn how to communicate more effectively with each other so like we the last note that we left off on was uh last night he told me to text him when i got home so i did and i just said just got home and he was like okay thanks for letting me know um tonight was heavy and i know you had a long day you should try to get some sleep that was it okay do you want to craft that text that we i was i mean yeah

um how do we want to start this hey yeah hi i just want you to know how much i love you and i miss feeling connected with you. I know we have a lot to talk about when it comes to things that we want for ourselves in a relationship. But more than anything, I think we could do a better job of working on our connection. I know that I have things that I have to work on when it comes to how I communicate with you. More than anything, I want us to get better at making the other person feel understood rather than trigger each other. Despite our problems, I just know that you're worth fighting for and there is a lot to love about what we have. I just think we could do a better job of being more connected.

And I really hope you feel the same way. I love you. And then hopefully he responds something positively and we'll talk later, you know, with some affection and then I just, I hope that he doesn't want to just be like, we're too different. And there's nothing that I can do about that, I guess, if he does say that. But I just don't think that we are. I just think that the communication is off. And like, I'm just a little too... Yeah. And I think that's what you say. As hurtful as it might be to hear that,

I think the best you can do is to calmly just say, I'm really sad to hear that. And just, I guess, again, it's such subtlety in communication. Because if he says that, it's going to hurt you, right? And you're going to want, you know, when people hurt us, kind of want to hurt them back. So you have to

remember that he has the right to feel how he feels. And even though when he disappoints you, it might hurt that it wasn't necessarily to hurt you or it wasn't deliberate. So hurting him back wouldn't be the best response. It's like the parent who says, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. It's like, oh, you being mad at me makes more sense, but you disappointed in me is like, oh God, I don't know what to do with it. I feel bad.

So it's that same energy. It's just like, well, I'm really fucking sorry to hear that. I'm heartbroken. But if you don't want to try with me, then I guess I have my answer. But I really hope you change your mind. And I guess think about what I said, because I do love you. And I do think if we got on the same page, we would really have a better understanding of what the both of us really want for the future.

But right now, I think we are just, you know, fighting with each other and pushing each other away. And we're scaring the other person into, you know, planning a life with each other. From what you're telling me, and I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, like some of the things you, some of the ways you've reacted and some of the things you said to him doesn't make him feel safe to commit to you or to have kids with you and you need to make each other feel safe and you know i think the text is fine you don't need to add to it but use that like i want to i want us to make each other feel safe. And right now we don't do that.

Yeah. Okay. And I want us to try, you know, use that us and we stuff. None of this, you and I stuff, you do this,

or why don't you have, why do you have commitment issues? And I've tried and I've this, but you said that, and I've done this. No, it's, we have done a poor job.

I'd love us to do X, Y, or Z. Can we try together? I want us to get on the same page. And if you honestly focus on that, I think it would go a long way. Okay. Well, that's exactly what I want. It's like, do you think I should literally text this

or do you think that I could say we could i could say this in like person to him or like call him or it doesn't matter i think both are great i think you could text it and then reinforce it you know most of the time when people say i want a break you know especially if i'm talking to like two 22 year olds i'm like they just want to have sex with other people i'm not getting this vibe i'm getting the vibe that he like he is in he's in flight mode when he says he wants a break it's because he doesn't know how to answer your question. He's frustrated. He's confused.

He feels attacked. He doesn't have an answer. So he's like, I just need a break, right? Yeah, that's exactly what it was. And so I think you making him feel like you recognize that will make him feel safer and make him feel less judged. Because right now, he feels like he can't give you an answer that's good enough for you and so he's like i don't know what to tell you

so i guess let's take a break and if he decides not to go to this wedding it's not the end of the world well i mean he's not going okay it is what it is like i just want to revisit the conversations like after the weekend when like we take some time, whatever. If we would have gone home, we probably just would have argued the whole time anyway. Yeah. You guys are arguing because you're not on the same page. You don't know how to be connected.

And then you're just triggering the fuck out of each other. But it's not for a lack of love. In fact, the fact that what it sounds like, you guys still do love each other. And it's the frustration of being in love and not being connected that is causing this animosity and resentment in the fighting yeah because if you didn't care you just you would you just wouldn't care you'd be indifferent you know that's why like a lot of that's why fighting isn't always bad in a relationship because at least you know you're trying it's effort the fighting comes from the frustration of not listening, not hearing each other.

And even in our short conversation, I could tell that when you get triggered, you stop listening and you just kind of bulldoze your feelings out. Yeah, I do that. I'm sure he has plenty to work on too. I just, I haven't talked to him. I don't know.

But if he's walking, if he's resistant to couples therapy, we can uh we can dry run it on mediation with me and have him come up what's do my best what's the harm you know he needs it he needs to fucking try at some point you have the right to ask him to try because if he is not willing to try there is no point in this relationship he does not get to say i like what we have why can't we just stay the same he can't just go through the motions that's not fair to you no that's that's exactly like what i'm hearing at least that he's saying so that's frustrating yeah i'm not hearing that yet because you can't give me an answer in terms of what you

guys do to grow your relationship you guys have, you guys just decided to be together. And your whole- I mean, like we're friends and we like date and we have like a super like intimate, like good connection. And like, we spend a lot of time together and he's my person. Yeah, but you got together based off

of like some romantic connection. You started having sex, you have, you know, and now, yeah, like you just go through the motions. You have sex on a somewhat regular basis. You go out to dinner, you hang out with with friends but you guys don't sit down and talk about your connection you guys don't sit down and talk about your feelings and part of it is because you've been afraid to ask because you know there's been a disconnect about what you guys both want so you guys just push that down and you guys make a lot of assumptions and then you just read signals

and tea leaves and confuse yourself and get frustrated when you read it wrong. And then you express your frustration to him. He feels misunderstood and not heard. And then he gets reactive. He pushes back and it's just this vicious cycle. Yeah. And I just want the cycle to end and I just want to be good. Being good is going to require some humility and an effort on both your parts and a desire to want to get to that place of feeling understood. So that's the goal. Practice emitting your fears with him. Start there. Should I send this text before I leave for the weekend for the wedding and don't talk to him until then? Or do I send it before? He's still your boyfriend. I know he wanted a break and shit, but this is not some guy you've been dating for a couple weeks. You don't have to tiptoe around this guy.

There's no magic time in which to send it. You should send it when you get off the phone with us. There's no magic time. It's not like if you send it now, it's going to be well-received. If you send it tonight, it'll be not well-received. You're not at risk of freaking him out because he barely knows you and you've been on one text. Now you've triple text him or something.

You know what I'm saying? That's not what this is. Yeah. So you should always feel safe enough to tell your boyfriend that you care and love about him and you want to do whatever it takes to make it work. That's all you're saying. Okay. Try to make him feel safe. All right. I will. I'm going to do my best. I hope it works out. All right.

So thank you. I appreciate it. Me too. Good luck. I think there's a lot of potential there. You guys are just not on the same page and we are always here if he wants to come on with you. We'd love to do a mediation with you too. I'll see if I can just slip it in the bottom of that text message. And by the way,

that might be in person. Listen, if nothing else, you're just, I care about you. I've literally, I did this talk. I want us to work and I'm willing to fight for us. And maybe we'll realize we're not on the same page, but I want to exhaust every resource because you matter to me, because I love you, because there's so much good about our relationship.

Yeah. And I'm open to that. And I hope you are too. Yeah, I feel that. All right. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to send it. Okay. Well, good luck. Take care. Please keep us posted and we'll go from that. All right. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to send it. Okay.

Well, good luck. Take care. Please keep us posted. And we'll go from there. I will. All right. All right. Thank you.

Okay. Bye-bye. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Allie.

I need help asking at a guy I've been talking to for six months. How old are you, Allie? I'm 21. Okay. So you've been talking to him for six months. How old are you, Allie? I'm 21. Okay. So you've been talking to him for six months. What's that mean? Just like Snapchatting, very casual, just seeing him every once in a while.

And are you guys hanging out? We've hung out once. When? It was this past weekend. Okay. He came over for a little while, but we've only really seen each other at the bar. How did that escalate?

Like, who messaged to? Did you invite him over? Did he invite himself? What did that look like? I kind of invited him. We both went back to our places. There was something happening at his, and I was like, oh, you can come over if you'd like. Okay.

And then he came over for a little bit. All right. What did you guys do? Uh, we just talked for a while. It was like a couple hours, a couple hours. About what?

What'd you talk about? It was just like how the night went. We watched a movie, but we weren't really like watching it. We were just talking. We talked about like how classes are going and different things like that. Okay. And did you feel like he was flirting?

Like what was the vibe? Yeah. Yeah. I would say it was, it was definitely more than just like a friend situation. Yeah. I don't know many guys who are going over to a girl's house at night that they're not at least physically interested in.

Are you, you're just Snapchatting or is it it you're also Snapchatting and texting? Like what are the, what are these conversations like? Well, for a while it was just like Snapchat's a random thing, but then it's been some conversations throughout it. It's like escalated to the point where there's more conversations now. There wasn't before. Okay. How did things end the other night?

Well, it got like really late. there wasn't before. Okay. How did things end the other night? Um, well, it got like really late. It was like 5 a.m. and I was like, I should go to bed. So,

we just kind of like went our separate ways after that. So, for, what time did he come over? It was like, 2.

Came over at 2 in the morning. And we all got back then. Yeah. And you guys stayed up and talked into the night and finally at 5 a.m you're like i gotta go to bed and then he left yeah and when he you said he got to go to bed where's like where's there like an awkward pause do you think like he was wondering if you were gonna like invite him to stay the night or or do you just kind of tell him to go like what was that vibe like i left it kind of open like i i think i did say he could stay if he wanted and well i didn't say like that but i was like you're free to stay like i don't have anything in the morning

because i didn't but he had stuff he had to do like well early-ish he had to wake up in like a couple hours so he just ended up leaving so he had also had to wake up early and he still stayed over till 5 a.m. if I were 21 years old and I did that it's because I liked her you know so I'm assuming you've been hoping

that he would ask you out or something yeah but he hasn't so you you're going to have to. Yeah. So, like, why not just, like, ask him out on a date? I don't know. I just don't really know, like, how.

I'm kind of, like, shy, especially in person. I just, like, I don't know. I don't know how to, like, approach it. Okay. Well, you already asked him over at 2 a.m. Yeah. So you're better than you realize.

Why not just message him and say, have you talked since he came over? Yeah. And the first... Just like text. Yeah. And did you guys... Did you say, I had really a lot of fun with you last night? Did he say that?

Or what was the conversation? You did. Yeah. I said that, and then he said he did, too. And then we kind of just went into, like, the problems that were going on, like, where he was living. Like, just personal drama he's going, having? Yeah. And what is that drama, out of curiosity?

It's just with, like, the housing here. Like, they went in and, like, found stuff in their room, and It's just with like the housing here. Like they went in and like found stuff in their room and it was just, okay. So not that big of a deal. Yeah. It's just, yeah. Why don't you just message them and say,

let's go on a date. You want to grab dinner? I don't know. I'm just feeling like I'm scared. I don't know why. Of what? I mean, I get the obvious, but like.

Yeah. Scared of, I mean, yeah. I feel like it's just like that. It's just like what? The fear of like saying no or something. I don't know. No, I hear you, but it's not going to kill you. I know.

It's just like a small campus. I don't know. I'm just like. What do you think is the worst going to happen? I don't know. It's like nothing bad is really going to happen. I think I'm just like overthinking you think is the worst gonna happen i don't know it's like nothing bad is really gonna happen i think i'm just like overthinking it yeah well we all do that but you said it's a small campus you're acting like you're gonna ask him on a date and

then the next thing you know like you're gonna walk out on campus and everyone's gonna point at you and laugh that's not gonna happen to happen. Yeah. Yeah. He showed up at 2 a.m. Stay till 5 a.m. Yeah. So if you say, let's go on a date and he says, oh, and he says no. Well, yeah, it's going to sting and maybe you'll feel a little embarrassed. But like what I don't nothing else is going to happen from that unless you think he's

some sort of jerk who's going to, I don't know, tell people or I don't know a lot of people who Snapchat someone for six months on a somewhat regular basis. And then as soon as you finally invite him over, he comes over at 2 a.m. and stays up and talks with you all night. Yeah, I just should. I should just do it. Yeah. You want to do it now all night. Yeah, I just should. I should just do it. Yeah. You want to do it now?

Yeah. Great. I will. Let's message him. All right. I don't think we have to, this is not like some long message. Do you want to say like, let's go on a date? Yeah, I'll say that.

Or maybe say, how about you take me on a date? Okay. I could do that. Yeah. Are you sending it right date? Okay. I could do that. Yeah. Are you sending it right now? Yeah. I love that. It doesn't matter if he says no,

you just need to be proud of yourself for asking. Okay. Did you send it? Yeah. Let's see. I did. It's on Snapchat. So it's just like the things then.

The little blue arrow or whatever. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Let's just round of applause okay well i guess keep us posted unless do we want to stay on the line for like five minutes and wait till he replies yeah does he usually reply to you pretty quickly does he look at it fast not usually and right now like it's still class, so I don't know if he has a class or not. Okay.

Damn, I want to open it. Okay. I'll keep you updated. Yes. Please do. All right. Well, good luck. Keep us updated.

Listen, rejection's a part of life. It's not going to kill you. I know you're shy, but listen, you're already doing it. You asked him over. It went well. Yeah. Some people are going to like you. Some people are not going to like you some people are gonna love you some people are not going to love you it's okay it was also pretty easy for you to send this message there

was like a little resistance we had a lot of resistance sometimes yes trust me so like maybe you're not as shy as you think like you should, you should feel proud that you just were able to do that. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. All right. Well, good luck.

Keep us posted. Okay. Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send those questions at asknickatthefilefiles.com.

We'll see you tomorrow for reality recap. Bye.