The Viall Files - E660 Ask Nick - I’m Dating A Married Man

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss the various intentions behind buying someone flowers, Nick’s tattoo collection, and his new pup. We also read a submission from someone who’s not sure whether to shoot his shot with his co-worker. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller has been dating a married man, and isn’t sure how to stop. He hasn’t asked his wife for a separation, and she isn’t aware of the affair, but our caller is still holding out hope the relationship can make it. Our second caller might be overthinking her current situationship. She hasn’t dated in a while, and recently moved to a new city, where she’s been talking to someone, and can’t tell whether she’s holding onto the relationship because she’s lonely, or if it’s time to give it up. Our final caller recently moved in with her boyfriend and his newborn, and is struggling to make the relationship work. The mother of the child is making matters difficult for our caller, but her boyfriend doesn't seem to understand she’s struggling as well.  “Your time is not infinite. You’re either going to invest in him, or you’re going to invest in yourself.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Make your brain your friend, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Grammarly - You’ll be amazed at what you can do with Grammarly. Go to https://www.Grammarly.com/PODCAST to download for FREE today. Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

what's going on everybody welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the household of Allie, Amanda, Genevieve, Derek, Justin, somewhere in here. Do we keep introducing him or just some guy who... Wait, the best was when you used to say, there's a man in the room named Derek. As if there was someone fixing the AC or something, not a huge central part of our team. You know, we just let them know when the household grows. Anyways, we're all here. There's a huge central part of our team. You know, we let them know when the household grows. Anyways, we're all here. There's a man in the room named Justin.

Also Steve. Steve's here. Not here with us. Yeah. But Steve's in the family. In the state. He exists. Good flyer. He exists. So I'm really still reflecting on the fact that you've always dreamed of naming dogs Jeff and Steve. That's really awesome. 2023 2023 truly has it's had certainly its downs um but i've crossed off a

lot of life goals all in one year wow are you oh my god wait i had a question which is are you gonna get a tattoo of steve no 100 yeah okay do you already know okay no i know it's gonna be close to the one of Jeff? Well, I really liked the artist who did it. When I was getting one of Jeff, it was the only tattoo artist that was like, it's Jeff's full body. And it kind of captures his spirit almost. Yeah, he's being a little really poorly.

Most of the dog ones I would see were like headshots. They're like senior pictures. Yeah, totally. Like the yearbook photos. Like looking regal you know like staring off but I also don't want to get like what will appear

to be identical tattoos because even though Jeff and Steve are different colors that you can't really capture that in a tattoo. We'll figure out a way. I feel like if you did

one because I know Jeff's on his back on the one that you have so if you did one of Steve where he was like not on his back then you can see the spots. We'll figure out a way. Like play. Yeah. But yeah for sure. I know Jeff's on his back on the one that you have. So if you did one of Steve where he was like not on his back, then you can see the spots.

We'll figure it out. Like play. Yeah. But yeah, for sure. But I'm not going to rush in. You're going to have to give it some time. Maybe Steve will demonstrate some personality that I want to capture in the tattoo. What was the last time you got a tattoo? I feel like there was an era where there were like a lot of new ones and it's been relatively.

I went on a couple, a streak not too long ago i think the eagle no the last one was is this one the skull yeah i thought it was a burger for a second i was like oh a burger nick was hungry at this point you would probably believe any tattoo i got oh yeah absolutely yeah they wouldn't be like oh no he wouldn't do that and i'd have to sit here like oh that's a choice that's interesting do you have any tattoos yeah i just have one on my ribs it's like a sneaky little guy oh i can't see it that much yeah it's the coordinates of a train station in rome that that big fan of public transit and I got to live in Rome and it was wonderful oh wow do you have any tats do you have any that you're considering I told myself I would get one this year but I haven't decided whether that means 25 or 2023 because

I'm kind of running out of time sure sure take your time okay but I also like I I feel like I need to give myself a time limit or I'll be at the end of my life and I'll be like, oops, still never got one. Maybe this year. Do you have any like inspiration, thoughts, ideas, what it might be? I have like three or four ideas. Like I know exactly what I would get. I literally don't know what I'm waiting for. What would you get?

I mean, we don't need to get into it. OK. I don't think the people care. Until an exciting reveal. The people care about nick's burger tattoo that's actually i mean i do love a burger nick's like who would do a really good burger on me there's some good artists out there it is instead a skull of flowers and i wanted to so okay i was thinking about this because my boyfriend very sweetly after we had kind of like you know a miscommunication to like yeah it happens yeah it like wasn't really a fight because there wasn't really a back and forth it was just like miscommunication and hurt feelings and he bought

me flowers which was very sweet he also bought me a really nice cheese which i have to say was did you like the flowers the cheese better both for different reasons like i like the flowers because i see them in my room and i like and there was something so like my heart melted when he like sent me a text that was just like come outside and then he was like on my doorstep with flowers and i feel like there's like a visual of that that really made my heart melt that cheese though it's like a sheep's milk like oh so he was holding the flowers on almost bended knee well are you standing he's standing he's standing up i was standing. He was standing up. I think I give him credit for the presentation

though. Yeah. Yeah. To be holding the flowers and not just like having delivered them with a note. Yeah. That's usually what I do. Do you know her favorite flowers? Yeah. They are Yeah. Well, I feel like

maybe you know what they look like these ones over here on my arm what do they call them lilies you got our hydrangeas thank you I know so much about Nick

I feel like I'm like I got it yeah the presentation I think is important it's huge yeah we love a flowers moment. But we like flowers for a fuck up. It was just funny because he was saying, he was like, yeah, I didn't, I was thinking about this. I was like, every time you see someone holding flowers, you're like, oh, my God, they're like sweet partner alert. And then he was like, but sometimes it's like, hey, I fucked your sister.

Here are the flowers. Not saying that that's what Amanda's boyfriend did. I only have a brother so don't further notice and he fucked him honestly if they did i'd be like two gay siblings i'd just be really happy that my brother was queer i think that would be the headline obviously it would be a pretty big betrayal it would be a pretty big betrayal it would probably fuck me up and more in all the different ways but i'd also be like silver lining oh my god both of us

okay well also but i don't understand like it doesn't mean that he's not a good partner no not at all it's just like i feel like sometimes it's like oh this is like a random act of like romance whereas like it can also be like a very like. Sure. Who never does anything wrong. And when I get flowers, it's always just whimsy. Yeah. I'm not really getting flowers.

Should I send a text to my boyfriend? Like, what the fuck? Well, I. Maybe. Maybe I'll just send him this intro. Your boyfriend I've never met. Yeah. Your made up boyfriend.

Yeah. My made up boyfriend. He goes to a different school. I get a different actor every week. they all look a little bit the same improviser training no it's okay if you're actually single oh my god no i didn't think i could get the job if i was single nick told me that in the interview opposite of bachelor rules they're coming okay ali's gonna get me flowers thank god before i had gotten my boyfriend flowers like three times because he fucking loved he's a big plant guy has beautiful plants in his room so i had i'd previously only gotten the flowers and i'd always

done it as a random act of romance well i i don't do that either so maybe it's like i don't deserve why would i deserve them i'm never giving them well yeah you could get the ball rolling or you could just but i have a cat. I don't think cats can have flowers. They're cat-safe flowers. Also, my cats at home love... Cats can't have flowers? What do you mean they can't have flowers? Sometimes they eat them. Oh my god, cats love... They're poisonous for them. They go crazy.

They're poisonous. Some of them are. You can get cat-safe flowers. I know this because I have a cat who's obsessed with roses. What are some cat-safe flowers, Genevieve? Roses. There's a ton. Sunflowers. And then I actually... There's not a ton. know this because i have a cat who's obsessed what are some cat safe flowers in a view roses there's a ton sunflowers and then i actually there's not a ton what's not a cat safe but there's like one or two that are super toxic a lily oh no chrysanthemum i'm not gonna try chrysanthemum daffodil that's how daffodil is spelled what the

fuck does daffodil look like it's theodil is spelled what the fuck is happening what does daffodil look like it's the white with the little yellow center yeah you'll know when you see it that was a daisy

daisies are a little more like thin in the petal I was gonna ask for your wedding are you having any role in the flower discussion

I'm paying for them do you have any preferences that you've expressed or is it Natalie has excellent taste she sure does in kind of just everything paying for them do you have any preferences that you've expressed or is it uh natalie has excellent taste she sure does and kind of just everything so my contribution is to know that she has taste yeah give her your vote that makes sense yeah my input would be a distraction

yeah yeah did you have any input with this uh yeah yeah yeah like what most of it oh yeah i took a lot of good ideas took like collected like got ideas from all around and kind of like hand-picked the ones where you're like yes let's execute these ones yeah sounded like you were saying that you claim donorship over a lot of her good ideas no no no i most of the ideas weren't mine but i i i put out like this is the aesthetic and vibe i'm going for a lot of mood boards a lot of mood boards yeah a lot of mood boards yeah and i don't even know i don't even know what a mood board was wow there you go wow well speaking of input do we have i want to hear your massage story oh oh i was just gonna say you started the episode be like i got a massage And it was like, how did you describe it?

Okay, I described it via text as barely above board. Like there was something about. Who was your masseuse? I don't know her name. She was a lovely woman. It was more just the facilities. And okay, so to be fair, I got this massage on Groupon. I don't get massages.

It's not something I do. My shoulder hurts. I'm waiting to go to like It's not something I do. My shoulder hurts. I'm waiting to go to like physical therapy to like figure out what's going on. And my mom was like, Amanda, just get a massage. Like you're like you're clearly like muscle tension is a huge issue. Like just get a massage. And I was like, fine. Went on Groupon.

Found a massage. It wasn't a massage bed. It was a chair? No, it's just like a bed. Not a chair. It's just like a regular bed. What do you mean a regular bed? Like a full queen.

Like it had like blankets on it? It had sheets on it? A comforter? Pillows? Yeah. Well, there was... Where did you go? I went to this...

Someone's house? No, no. A facility. But it was... When I was walking by... Okay, well... Did it have like a stuffed animals and pillows on it? There was literally...

There was a bouquet of flowers on one of the beds. But like, I think dried flowers. On one of the beds? Yeah. Like, it was weird. It was, it felt like. How did you go face down? You would have smothered yourself.

They had like a round, they had a round pillow. Were you comfortable? Yes. Wait, but then your face, the round pillow, sure, it's elevated, but then there's no airway. How is that? Yeah, yeah. I don't get massages. So this was like a huge treat, kind of regardless.

Anyway, so where did it get weird? I mean, the bed's weird, but where did it- It was just the facilities. Well, I got kind of stressed for her because a man came in in the middle of it. What? There was an interruption her because a man came in in the middle of it. What? There was an interruption? So a man came into the... Okay, so the door, every time it opened, it made like a ding dong noise and a voice said,

hello, welcome, like in that exact tone. And so a man came in and this is a small business. So I totally like she was like went out to help him, which I was like, I'm totally fine with that. Like, yeah. And she was like, come back in 30 minutes to him. He then comes back. I know because I hear hello. Welcome. And she's not done. And she like and he and I can tell he's like a punctual gentleman because he's like 30 minutes and I can tell it's like been 30 minutes on the dot. Like I've been face down, but I'm I'm like this guy. I feel like I know the type. And then she kept going on me and I was getting stressed for her.

I was like, you have this other client who came back in 30 minutes after the dot and you're still rubbing my neck. And every time she did something new to a different side, it was like, oh, no, you're going to have to even this out. I was getting worried. Where was he waiting? In the, like, there was a front area. On the other side of the bed.

Yeah. He was at the foot of the bed. Eating popcorn. He started helping. Yeah. He was at the foot of the bed just kind of... Eating popcorn. He started helping to quicken the process. It is true about a massage though. If you... Like,

that's why you really have to be relaxed and why the environment matters because if you are like thinking about your surroundings, you can't... It's kind of productive. You really need to unleash, unwind.

Do you get massages a lot, either of you? As much as I can. How often would you... I'm an engaged man because I got a chair massage at the Whole Foods. Wait. What? Resend that. The masseuse took a photo of him in the Whole Foods parking lot, and that was the photo that Natalie

DMed him about. I used to get a chair massage at the Whole Foods four times a week. One of my favorite facts about you. Wait, what? Yeah. I'm looking this up online. That's crazy.

I love a good chair massage. Yeah. And I believe her name was Diane. Anyways, I spent like three grand with her one year. Wow. That's a really wholesome. It was the best part of my day. And as a single serving guy, when you're single, you go to the grocery store a lot.

At least I didn't shop for a week, whatever, because you waste a lot of groceries that way. And I lived in Venice. Whole Foods was close. And I'd go get a piece of chicken and whatever. And so it just became part of my routine where I'd go and get a 30-minute massage. I didn't care. Before or after you got the groceries? Usually before, but sometimes there was, I had to wait, you know, my turn.

Be accommodating? Usually not. And everyone could see you doing this? If they were, yeah. I mean, I wasn't private. I just, I didn't even know Whole Foods did this. Oh, they do. At least the ones in Chicago are the ones where I first notice it.

Cause like you will be checking out and then there will be like a wall that is maybe like Four feet high like it's not a Half wall but it is not a full one And you can just see there's like one of the massage chairs That you sit in Oh this one wasn't even behind any wall It was like right where It was like stationed where like all some of the

Like the relaxation products were at Oh yeah I know what you're talking about Like that section of Whole Foods where it's like Yeah it's not food yeah i know what you're talking about like that section of whole foods where it's like yeah it's not food but it's more you know other like natural yeah yeah have you natalie ever gotten a couple's massage yeah yeah do you enjoy it have it at the house now wow that's nice i thought about. Sometimes I like in my head, I'm like, feels like a good gig to like, I know you have to really invest and really grind and work super hard. But like once you have like a good list of clientele, I was like, it feels like a very

like impactful hands on thing to do where it's like, I feel like it would be very gratifying being like, oh my God, you are so tight and now you're relaxed. And this was like hopefully a highlight of your week. I loved her because she would hum like songs in such a nice way that I really enjoyed it. It really relaxed me. She would sometimes kind of sing. I never really said to her, like, can you keep singing? But she was always very relaxing. I feel like masseuses are very intuitive.

I really miss her. Because like the pandemic happened And like we just Fell out of touch Lost touch literally And I moved You know And You should drive on down there

See if she's still there I tried because she would like send me Like all the You know Like Apple Pay And like I would get the receipts Or whatever And that's how much I knew

How much I spent at the end of the year And I was like wow I want her to join us for an intro Sometime If you're out there You used to rub me At Whole Foods Oh how much I spent at the end of the year. I was like, wow. I want her to join us for an intro sometime. If you're out there and you used to rub me at Whole Foods. Specifically at the Whole Foods. Do we have a writer in here?

That came out wrong? If you used to rub me at the Whole Foods. A misconnection. I miss your touch. I miss your touch. I miss your touch. We lost touch. Well. We have a writer.

Yep. He says. Hi there. Yep. Yeah. He's a boy. If you are a boy, please write in.

Hi there. I'm a 27 year old male and I need advice on how to ask my female. I think same age coworker out. I work in a field that does not go into an office and I don't see my co-workers in person except for the three to four people on my direct team. We go to different accounts in the area and usually only

communicate with the other teams if we happen to be going to an overlapping account. We do branch out in meetings and trainings about once or twice a quarter with all the teams in the area. The last one we did was a few months ago and I met this girl who just moved from a different state. We talked here and there throughout the day, but nothing too flirty and was mostly professional. I followed her on Instagram the next day, and she followed me back. We've texted a few times about work-related things and ran into each other at an account one other time,

but again, wasn't super flirty. She did respond to my story on Instagram recently, saying happy birthday. Would love some advice on how to pursue her and get a better feeling if it would be a good idea to ask her out. Hmm. Well, they work together. So any follow back or happy birthday wish is just being polite. But they don't really work together.

I guess your point is that you have motives to kind of like schmooze slightly people or like have a good be on good terms with someone like because they're in your network, so to speak. Is that what you're getting at? Well, if you were working with someone, whether you work with them directly or not, and they followed you on Instagram, would you just and not following him back would be a choice. But the happy birthday. Yeah, it seems like it's the happy birthday. That is. I think it's reach. Yeah, it seems like it's the happy birthday. That is. I think it's reach. Yeah, I don't know that it's. I think they're going to get married.

Yes. I'm not saying don't shoot your shot. I'm just saying the, we followed each other. She wished me a happy birthday. He's writing it as if like signs he's been trying to read into. Yeah.

Well, he did say like he wants advice on how to pursue her, but also if he should even ask her out if this is even right it seems like he's not looking for like a straight up ask her out more of like a how do i find out yeah like make a setting that's more conducive to like i think you just kind of have to you have to find out well yeah i know like i know so many people write in kind of hoping that i guess i appreciate you thinking that we're capable of coming up with some sort of fail-safe way that will secure a date while simultaneously not set you up for any type of rejection. Do you want to shout out the title?

Yeah, sometimes you have to fuck around and find out, you know? Can't wait to flirt with you. Can't wait to flirt with you. What are the risks, I guess? Because he works with her. But again, barely. so i don't even think there are many risks you see her like once a quarter what even is that and are they local are they in the same town it seems like yes but they're on like different teams within the company do we even know if she has a boyfriend girlfriend i i mean i he has her instagram there's clearly you know she appears single on social i would assume i would assume

he's done some stalking as one does is there a hangout that you can make it neutral enough where it's like okay we're hanging out one-on-one so we can see if we vibe a little bit more but it's like lunch or something like i don't know just to keep it like less. It sounds like he has minimal rapport. So just shooting his shot would be a risk in the worrying of what people might say or think in the company. It's messy. Like work is not like an environment

where you want to go out of your way to shoot. Am I saying that right? But it is a valid. Like don't shit where you want to go out of your way to shoot your... Am I saying that right? But it is a valid... Like, don't shoot where you eat. It's a valid risk. It's a valid concern to actively shoot your shot. You do have to consider their feelings. I wouldn't want to work in an environment

where I had to reject someone. You're putting someone in a tough spot. What if he got a group of people like people who he's kind of like chatted with at these like company-wide conferences and was like like kind of started a group dm on instagram was like hey like would love to know like you know i know where we see each other at these company-wide things but like would love to like grab a drink sometime together like you know something being like you know it's great knowing people on my team but i would love to know more people in the company like and then

it's kind of like a group thing and then from there you can see if they gravitate towards each other what interactions have they had just a birthday message and a and it's twice they've seen each other in person. What happened there? They had chats, but mostly professional. It wasn't that flirty, the work environment. So that makes sense. Seems like he really has nothing to go on.

No. Yeah, they texted about work-related things. Yeah. So that's why I'm saying make it a work event, but a little bit smaller. So that way... I don saying like make it like a work event, but like a little bit smaller. So that way, like I don't know of like her team, if he could have like the three to four people on her team and the three to four people on his team or like, I don't know, however, he would want to facilitate or like what the least weird way of kind of like picking some people to join that. But that way it's like a casual like we're all just like going out for drinks after work and maybe from there. I think right now I would table thinking about the best way to ask her out.

And in the next month, give or take, I would, yeah, make some very, like, mild just attempts at getting to know her without being overly flirtatious or too much, you know. But just, you know, I don't know what that looks like, but. Like swipe up on her Instagram stories. Yeah, maybe that. Maybe, okay, so there you go. Yeah. She responded happy birthday on Instagram.

Okay, well, I don't know how active this lady is, but engage with her content. Yeah. And maybe you can create a conversation ask a question and see where that goes okay that's that's a pretty mild form of flirting totally but there it is showing some interest so just show a very mild amount of interest with in her and see if it goes from there right that's the safest way like if she gives you like one or two word replies back like oh thanks like yeah it was fun then it's like okay right she's like oh thanks

like i had a really good time i did this and that like do you have any recommend i don't know i mean well because i think nowadays i think most single people very much feel the burden of being single. And most people who are single are frustrated with dating culture and climate. So if someone you could even possibly be interested in you is paying attention to you, yeah, I think you tend to pick up on that quickly and play things out. pick up on that quickly and play things out so yeah i think if if there isn't an interest the answers will be fairly abrupt and curt it'll be pleasant but if there is an interest and you ask questions they will probably ask questions back it'll go somewhere so start there and then write us back also if there's well maybe this is actually not good things to encourage, but I feel like the like the holiday party is always the loosest. Everyone is at a company.

I feel like everyone's like drinking. Things are flowing freely, like everyone's just in like a looser, more easygoing mood. And I think that's where people can start to connect in a way that might not feel like strictly professional. Look for opportunities is my point. Before you cold turkey shoot your shot, try to ask this person non-work related questions via the internet. And then when you're in their company, continue to ask some questions and pay attention to, as you guys pointed out, to how they interact with you. Do they engage in those conversations? Or they generally seem like they're just answering your questions to be nice

and see if you can evolve, just get to know them, show an interest in what they do and see if she shows an interest back. Yeah. Probably the safest way. Definitely. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Well, it's time to get to our call. Don't forget to send us those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, all of the above. Oh, but don't forget, we have an update classic that dropped last Friday, free to all. If you haven't listened to it, check it out.

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All right, let's get to our callers. Question time with me. Let's ask Nick our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. My name's Brooke. I'm 34 years old and I'm dating a married man.

Okay. All right. Well, give us the details. Is he separated? Is he cheating? Does she know? Like, what's going on? Are you just like, is another way of saying this as I'm having an affair with a married man? Yes. So he's not yet separated. He's trying to be separated. She does not know. Does not know that he wants the separation or just about you guys seeing one another all of the above yeah all of the above so they talk about being separated but they're not legally separated yet and i am assuming everything you know about their marriage

is through his words the liar correct yeah i'm just gonna refer to him as the liar because okay that's fine well i do i mean obviously asking questions but i i'm not dumb and naive to think that like i'll take solely his word for it yeah i mean you're not dumb or naive but it's just you're it's in your i guess maybe subconscious i don't know how to say it. Or your body might think it's in his best interest to believe him. You know, you're just very vulnerable. How did you guys meet? well yeah he said the same about you and then um she's like yeah he keeps talking about you and then i'd be like well i don't like i didn't know why he was talking about me but come to find out he was never talking about me but she was also telling him that i was asking about him and so she was just trying to get us because she doesn't like his wife your friend my friend does not like his wife and your friend thought it would be a good idea because she doesn't like his wife to introduce her friend and initiate an affair with her baby

yes yes so so the friend who set them up has a child with this man. Oh. Yes. Oh my God. Like, this was, I know this is so complicated. All right, so so our audience isn't as confused as I am. You have a friend who has a child with the man that you're having an affair with. Yes. Yes. And one day, out of spite, she decided to set you up via, I don't know, sounds like a little bit of lying.

It was, for sure. And just to spite his current wife. When did he have a baby with your friend? How old is the kid? She is 17. Oh, okay. How old is this man? How old is the kid? She is 17. Oh, okay. How old is this man? How old is this?

Yeah, thank you. 36. 36? 36 minus 17? Yeah. 20. Yeah, so they were... 19, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, they were... Okay. Yeah. Bongo. The plot thickens. The plot does thicken. Wow. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. So anyway, I'm going to find out like he was never asking about me. We just started talking about their daughter because like I'm around her as well because of my friend. Like I go to her like games or whatever and on ground to conversate and it just like snowballed from there. Snowballed. That's an interesting way of putting it. Have you met the wife?

Yeah. Yes. How many times? Like a lot. You've been sleeping with him. And in between that, you have been pretending to not know him while he's pretending to be a husband to his wife correct gotcha how does that make you feel uh shitty okay good i mean if i'm being completely honest like it's it's not fun but like i like my feelings just like outweigh like i i put it out of my mind you

car you car part mentalize it so to speak yes not a good thing oh no no no absolutely i'm not i'm not saying i'm not trying to justify anything here of mine at all like i'm not trying to like make it seem like this is all okay yeah yeah so you know obviously my my stance on this topic I can't imagine you wrote in expecting me to be like well love conquers all right um so I mean that's why I'm mainly nervous why did you call like what are you hoping to get out of this like what clarity are you looking to find I think um I need because I'm always getting like female viewpoints to like not that my friends agree with it, but they're just like, I mean, yeah, if it works out, it works out. Friends are terrible for relationship advice. These friends you speak of, like what are they happy?

What's their relationship status? Are they exactly where they want to be in life? Because my guess is maybe not. where they want to be in life? Because my guess is maybe not. Because that's what happens when you get advice from people who aren't particularly in love with where they're at. Yeah. And I think it's ultimately like, they can tell me like how they feel about it, but they know that I'm just going to do whatever I want anyway. Well, that's honest. Yes, I think I just need maybe like a different viewpoint on these things and like now I think it's like if she found out

it would just be like a big shit show. Yes, but he would like ultimately I don't want to say pick me but yeah, I mean how do you even how do you know that for sure? I don't I'm just confident in it. You're confident in it because when you're with

each other it feels so good i mean yeah but that's not the only reason i guess what is the reason like the way that we are with each other how often are you like hanging out like once a week twice a week and where like a motel No. He has like a business and we'll go there or like sometimes he'll come over to my apartment. And how much is your relationship sex versus anything else? Like is it centered around or do we

spend time doing that? Like the point of meeting up or like... Yeah, I mean, I'm sure you talk and like, I don't know, hang out before or after but essentially you're meeting up to fuck um yeah but yeah i i mean listen i just i would be the first no i'd be the first to admit like this is basically just that okay i'm just trying to understand it you know all i can help you do is try to be a little bit more

honest with yourself about what the situation is and what it's not. You are making decisions for yourself and you're making assumptions about the situation. You're like, well, because I know because of how he is with me and for what he says to me, but your whole relationship is centered around sex and the intensity around sex. Yeah. It's an absolute high. You are evaluating your relationship with this man solely based off of primarily the sex that you have and the intensity around that and the feelings that you have that. And so every time you see him, you're getting this fix.

Just like any drug addict who you are associating him with a fix. You're not going to be able to feel differently. You feel how you feel, but you should have the self-awareness to look at the situation and say, I don't know how much I should be able to trust my own feelings given the context of this relationship, which is based off of lies and sex. Yeah, because I don't have an outsider's perspective, especially a male's outsider's given the context of this relationship, which is based off of lies and sex. Yeah. Cause I don't have an outsider's perspective,

especially a male's outside perspective of like, what tough questions should I be asking myself to realize, make me realize like, this isn't. I mean, what kind of person do you want to be? I never in a million years thought I would be in this position. No one does.

You know what I'm saying? But you are, and now you're here and now like, you know, now you have to. No one does. You know what I'm saying? But you are. And now you're here. And now like, you know, now you have to do something about it. You can't be like, oh, I never thought I would be here. But I am. So like, whatevs. And like this whole idea that you didn't think you were capable of making low character choices.

But turns out you are. We all are. We are capable of being self-centered and selfish, and we're all capable of lying to ourselves. But at the end of the day, it just comes down to deciding what kind of person do you want to be? I don't know. I just, I mean, who's to say if we actually got together, why wouldn't he just go cheat

on me? Correct. Because in your mind, you're thinking best case scenario, when push comes to shove, he's going to pick me. Eventually, he's going to pick me. Eventually, he's going to have the guts. He's going to ask for a divorce. And then it's going to be dramatic and messy and sloppy, but he's going to pick me. And you're thinking that is a best case scenario.

You're hoping for that on some level. The scary part for you is, even at his best, even if he's like, you know what? I finally found my person, and I don't like the way I went about it, and I'm so like regretful. And then you, you know, get engaged and then you get married, you know, and you start a family with them. You know, he's got, he's got another kid with a third person, you know, he's out there just populating. And then five years go by, life happens. You're having a kid. You're not feeling your best, you're tired, you get disconnected, he has stress at work, you maybe get a job, he meets a, you know, spicy 30-year-old five years from now, that's when he's going to do it. Yeah. And he'll have all the same excuses he has now, he'll victimize himself, he will, you know, oh, I'm just, you know, I'm not getting what I need,

you know, this is not... I mean, that's what i need you know this is not i mean that's what he's saying now of course and i'm sure some of his reasons are valid but there are two people in this world there are people who recognize that their needs aren't being met even if it's fair or not fair and they accept the situation that they're in as difficult or as uncomfortable as it is they deal with their shit if they think that the situation they find themselves in presently isn't serving them the best. And if they have to get out of that situation, they go about it the right way and communicate that to the people they need to communicate it to and they deal with the mess and they go about the right way. And other

people make excuses and victimize themselves and justify their choices and they choose their selfish needs above anyone else and that's who you are having an affair with at the end of the day this is a person that he's going to choose himself right now him choosing you is him choosing himself you're just the person he wants right now but what happens when you're not the person he wants per se or the person he's you know has his eye on or the person who's just like in front of him when he's feeling the loneliest yeah that's who you're considering relations with and i don't have to know the man to know that about him he's also weak you're dating a little. And I don't have to know the man to know that about him. He's also weak.

You're dating a little weakling. What is, what has he been saying to you is the reason why he hasn't, if they've even been already talking about separating, why what's his excuse for not having gone to her and asking for that and pursuing that, you know, getting the papers and working on that.

Because they have kids together. People get married, have kids together people get married have kids get divorced all the time and you can have two parents split up and and they can prioritize their kids right now that's the thing he's not even prioritizing his kids he's only prioritizing himself i mean to me i only see you have one option that's i think the right option i don't know what you're gonna do but one option is just walk away but you're not gonna do that i know that i hope i hope i'm wrong yeah please prove him wrong please prove me wrong but if you want to give this guy a shot and you're not willing to walk away from him you at least have to be willing to try you have to

sit down and say we can't do this anymore. Before I was thinking, like, it was on my mind, like, I think that we should just not really keep this going until you're legally separated. When did you say that? I haven't said it, but like I've said to him that like, I've thought about it. You need to. You can't say it like that. You can't be like, well, we kind of, You need to. You can't say it like that.

You can't be like, well, we kind of, um, I'm feeling okay. Yo, you need to stand there and you have to need to get angry. You need to get mad. You need to realize that you've been taking advantage of now. Granted, you've done some shit too, but you, you have the right to get mad at him. You should also should be about yourself, but you can get mad at him too. And you don't say, I don't think we should do this. You say, I don't want to do this anymore. This is not who I want to be. I hope that's not who you want to be. I do care about you. And this is how I feel about

you. And be honest with how you feel about him. I love you, whatever, whatever you want to say, but you can say, I refuse to compromise my character any longer. I don't want to be this person. So if you really want to be with me, if you want to make this work, then you need to deal with your shit and you need to separate. And I need to know that she knows and he needs to prove it to you. And you shouldn't do this in his presence because his presence, you only see him at his office where you usually have sex. It's a vulnerable environment for you.

Text it to him. You don't need, you don't, he doesn't deserve anything. So this whole like, should I do it in person, whatever, you don't, he doesn't, text it to him you don't you don't need you don't just he doesn't deserve anything so this whole like should i do it in person whatever you don't you know he doesn't text it i'll text him right now i'm not mad enough right now you don't have to send the text this is not an active situation you're never gonna be ready and that's why i say text it is because like you don't have to be mad to text it you have to be mad to like face him in person you just have to be ready to do it you're just not ready to not get laid one more time well i'm so like emotionally involved

with him too like that part well i mean you're gonna have to heal from that i don't i don't know what to tell you but but i think it helps to when you were saying that I'm being taken advantage of, because, like, that's not a point that somebody has brought up to me before. Yeah, I mean, you're taking advantage of yourself, too, but he is as well. That's amazing. Yeah. I'm assuming the little one's yours? Yeah.

Well, also something you want to consider as well. This is potentially your son's future role model. Yeah. Well, also something you want to consider as well. This is potentially your son's future role model. Yeah. I bet it's really exhausting. I don't know what the situation with your son's dad is, but I'm sure it's really exhausting being a single mom. I imagine that this is one of the few things that gives you a sense of relief or where you get to feel carefree.

And so part of it is not only ending this situation but finding things to replace it with like finding things that make you feel good and make you feel a sense of relief and make you feel a sense of support that don't make you feel like shit right after yeah like i did just like i started going to school again like i literally just just started. Good for you. That's amazing. Yeah. So that's going to be thankfully occupying a lot of my time. Yeah, it is amazing and hopefully it does.

Obviously not in a way that I would want it to. Well, you know, it might not be as fun or certainly as sexy, but you going to school is an investment in yourself that's going to pay dividends

and it will take up your time. But, you know, he is going to pay dividends and it will take up your time but you know he is going to negatively affect your ability to actually stick through this i mean it's like you only have so much emotional bandwidth and to amanda's point being a single mom is already enough on anyone then dealing with an emotional affair and all the toxicity that comes with it and then going back to school we're not going to stop being a mom i don't think you should quit school and i don't know if you can handle all three so maybe we just quit him i mean that sounds like i'm assuming i'm assuming when he reaches out to you do you just kind of almost drop everything no matter what's going on to like rush over to where he's

at oh yeah absolutely and but yeah but just think about that he's your number one priority this guy yeah the good news is this is your choice you know you have the agency and the in the power to clean up this mess this doesn't have to be your defining moment of your life it can be in a bad way you know your choices matter you can ruin your life. It can be in a bad way. You know, your choices matter. You can ruin your life. As I often say, people don't think that I remind my team all the time. You are not guaranteed a good life and you are the biggest decider and how your life turns out. And you did, you know, you have a beautiful child, you know, you sound like you have friends, you know, you know, you have the time to call us. You're going back to school.

There's a lot of good. I hope this is like, I want this to be some sort of wake up call. And who knows who might meet in school. Maybe, I don't know, maybe you're doing online, but through school, you're going to connect and network with people and be open to that possibility. You know, put it out into the universe that you want to make friends and you want to meet people and who knows, you know, you got introduced to this guy. So you can certainly get introduced to someone else who ideally doesn't have a wife. Right. I would get off the phone with me and I

would take out a big piece of paper and I would write down what kind of person do I want to be? Big question mark and hang it on your bathroom mirror. Because right now, when you get off the phone with me, you're going to like shoo it away. You're going to forget about it. And your ego or whatever it is that's causing you to make these destructive decisions is going to take over. And you're just going to forget about it and put it away. And you're going to focus on your feelings for him. You need something to remind you to kind of guilt you in or shame you into like, you know, stop doing this thing. You're not going to wake up one day and be like, today's the day I'm going

to stand up to him. I feel ready and it feels easy today. Yeah. I've been looking forward to this this whole time. It's never going to happen. Never. You will feel how you feel now the day you have the guts to do it. And that's why I say, well, what's the difference between today and next week? It will only get harder, quite honestly. Your feelings aren't going to go away. You're not going to like him less. So get a vibrator. Oh, my God.

Okay. I mean, I'm kidding. But, I mean, I don't know. No, it doesn't. Truly. Get a really nice vibrator for yourself. I'll start saving up. We'll donate.

Just go fund me for a vibrator. Can we do that? Is that allowed? I think we should partner with this XY company immediately. Are you sure we don't want to text them right now? I'm sure. Why? I know I need to do this, and I know this is so dumb sounding of me to say, but I just

don't feel like ready you're never gonna feel ready though let's just draft it as long as you promise not to make me send it right now well i i mean you're there we're here so we can't make you okay but let's just draft it let's read it together let's see how it feels. How do we want to start it? Hey, listen up, listen up. How about we just say, I don't want to do this anymore. This is not the person I want to be. It's not the person I want to believe that you are. We both have made choices that are hurting others. And that's something that I no longer want to be a part of. I feel very strongly for you. And despite what we're doing, I still have a lot of hope around what we might be able

to be. But I can't be a part of an affair any longer. If you feel as strongly about me as I feel for you, then you will do what's necessary with regards to your marriage. And then maybe we can go from there. But I need to know with 100% certainty that you've told her he needs to come clean. He needs to be honest about what he's done. And you need to know that. Yeah.

I mean, I also think that another version of that is just saying i no longer want to do this anymore goodbye or you could just block him that's there's that too my first choice for you is to delete his number well no i'm sorry block him delete his number block him on instagram avoid him disappear don't give him an acknowledgement and move on with your life that's what i truly wish for you this is an alternate choice but but still a decent one better than what you're doing now and to reiterate one more time you will never be ready to send this you will never feel good you will always be scared that you're going to relapse. So now is as good a time as any. Do you have a friend that you trust with your character?

Do you have a friend that will actually give you honest advice and say, I love you, but I'm so disappointed in you. What are you doing? What the fuck? Yeah. You do? Great. Well, yeah.

Like she knows about everything and like she tells me like like i don't agree with it but again like i said like i know you're gonna do what you want to do oh yeah you could say listen i really don't want to do this and i don't want to be the person who's gonna do do you know what that's that that should i mean it's tough love here that should embarrass you someone who cares about you saying well i know you're gonna do what you want to do which implies that like i know you're not going to do the right thing you're going to give into your weaknesses your your friend doesn't trust you to do the right thing yeah that's true but you're you're not a lost cause so stop treating yourself like you're a

lost cause yeah and then other people won't either like you are not a lost cause. So stop treating yourself like you're a lost cause. Yeah. And then other people won't either. Like, you are not a lost cause. You can send this text message. If you can be a single mom who has the guts to go back to school and invest in himself, you can get over this fucking guy. Yeah. Listen, you got in this situation. I can, off the top of my head, probably think of a bunch of sympathetic reasons why you

made the choices that you did. Loneliness, haven't, you know, had some good sex in in a while i don't know what are the reasons you know some validation feeling special it all feels good i get it you know maybe you were in a rut and you met the wrong guy at the worst time but you had the self-awareness and the guts to reach out to us you know it's not okay you know it's wrong you're getting some tough love feedback here and now you're really again at this critical junction of like what kind of person you want to be again i would get off the call and i would take out a piece of paper you know and write it down and i would tape it to your bedroom your bathroom mirror and wake up every day wake up what kind of person you want to be you put on your screensaver so when he

texts you or whatever and it's up to you yeah that's a good idea so there's no chance we're gonna have you send it today i don't know like right this second no i still might send it today i just all right this second well i'm rooting for you to send it today and if you don't send it today i'm rooting for you to send it tomorrow and the next day after that. And I beg you the next time he reaches out to you to just try saying no, or even better, not respond. He will always make time again in the future to have more sex. Don't act like it's like, oh my God, you know what I'm saying? So like say no to him. Don't respond to him. At least if you don't have the guts to send it in the next few days, the next time reaches out, at least have the guts to ignore him. Don't respond to him. At least, if you don't have the guts to send it in the next few days,

the next time he reaches out, at least have the guts to ignore him. Yeah, I mean, I do sometimes, like, and he'll be like, oh, okay, or okay, cool. Like, just classic. Okay, cool. This guy doesn't give a fuck. I'm in that spot where it's like, this kind of sucks.

Totally sucks. Doesn't kind of suck totally sucks yeah all right well we're rooting for you it's your life thanks what kind of life do you want it's up to you you have so many great things to make good choices for you and your son and if you can't do it for yourself you know but you should want to do it for yourself you're young you're beautiful you're smart you got you know like you got you know stop wasting And if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him. I appreciate it. But you should want to do it for yourself. You're young. You're beautiful.

You're smart. Yeah, absolutely. You got to stop wasting it on this fucking guy. All right. I mean, that's why I called, because I just needed to hear the tough things. And I knew you'd tell me that. All right. Well, good luck.

Thanks, guys. All right. We're rooting for you. We'll be following up all right talk soon all right bye bye this show is brought to you by better help this episode is brought to you by better help what more can we say about better help than what we already have other than listen if you're out there and you've been thinking about jumping into therapy, maybe getting back into therapy. There are a million ways to talk yourself out of going into therapy. One of those ways is, you know, the cost can be expensive.

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Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Alex. I'm 27 and I have no idea how to do this dating thing and I'm overthinking my situationship. Okay. Well, let's focus on the situations ship first. What's going on with it? What is it? How long you been hanging out with this person? So it's kind of hard. I just moved to a new state. So I relocated my entire life. I was somewhere else for about eight years. And then I chose to just move to a different state. Why? I've just been there for too long.

And then I chose to just move to a different state. Why? I've just been there for too long. I felt like I couldn't grow in the city that I was in anymore. Okay. And it was time for a change. Good for you. And what are you doing in your new city? Are you still searching for a job?

Are you really just new? How long have you been here? And where are you on the getting settled process? So I literally have been here for maybe a week. Okay. Super new. So I met this person about two months before I moved. It all kind of fell into my lap of just getting a job, getting an apartment. And it all just happened really fast from about July to August.

And so I had a couple glasses of wine with my friend. And she was like, let's make a dating profile and see what's out there. And so I was like, oh oh okay like that'd be fun and i didn't anticipate actually meeting anybody because i haven't dated in a long time okay so i made the dating profile ended up meeting somebody hit it off right away their single dad 32 um but technically he's still married. Oh, boy. Well, it sounds worse than it is. His wife came out as gay.

So there's that, but they're financially still dependent. I wonder if it's our friend who called. We had a lady who told her husband that she was a lesbian in their co-op. I mean, it's not her. How great would that be? Anyway. So you met him and he's like, so

how did he tell you that? This is where I think I was ignoring red flags. The first day we were texting, I was like, you have a daughter. How often do you have her daughter like you know what like how like how often you have her kind of thing and he's like well um I still live with my ex well she's not really my ex and I was like what and then he sent me like this absolute novel of like what happened and that was like the

first day we were talking and I probably should should have realized that that was like an absolute trauma dump in that moment. But I was like, oh, I appreciate the honesty and the transparency. Yeah. I mean, I imagine it would be a difficult conversation to have with someone whom I to say what should or shouldn't be difficult. But I think, you know, 20 years ago, I think the average heterosexual man would feel very embarrassed and very emasculated by finding out that their wife is gay it's 2023 that's been a theme that's yeah come up a lot yeah it doesn't say anything about him nevertheless you know it's it wouldn't be surprising uh if you struggle with it so like yeah good he came clean that's the least of your concerns you know the main concern

is that it doesn't sound like you have any clarity on what he wants for himself when it comes to dating and relationships and you have more confusion than clarity when it comes to him it feels like a situationship etc etc and so you know that you're investing in someone that you know you don't have you have more questions than answers in terms of the direction it's going. And that should be the red flag. Yeah. Yeah. So we talked for about two and a half months before I got here.

Okay. Is he in the city that you moved to? Yeah. Is that a coincidence or you knew you were moving there? And so your dating profile. Yeah. Okay. So my dating profile was set to this location.

Gotcha. Okay. So we talked all day, every day. But then he started kind of like the first two weeks, he was like obsessed with me. And obviously that felt really good. So then after a while, I was like, hey, I'm actually like not really talking to anybody else. And he was like, oh, well, plot twist, I am. And I was like, oh, okay.

That's fine. Whatever. We FaceTimed all the time our connection kept growing but like i knew he was going on date and like it made me really uncomfortable but i felt like i couldn't say anything because i wasn't like in the city yet so i didn't and i'm i don't know and then it got weird and then he hooked up with somebody else at that point had you met up or hooked up or anything or is it just all like via this is all yeah text and facetime and how did he just come clean he was like hey i hooked up with someone i just want you to know um we were facetiming because he would always like call me on his way

to work but then i knew he was going on dates i knew he went on a date the night before. And then we were FaceTiming that morning after. And he was like, oh, I'm so tired. I'm so tired. And I was like, I don't really want to know anything. So I just didn't ask. I don't know if he felt guilty or what. But finally, he said, like, oh, I drank a lot last night. I was like, what time did you get home?

And he was like, 2 a.m. And I was like, you're fucked. I was like, there's no doubt in my mind. So I was like, okay, like, did you kiss home? And he was like, 2 a.m. And I was like, you're fucked. I was like, there's no doubt in my mind. So I was like, okay, like, did you kiss her? And he was like, yeah. And then I was like, did you fuck? And he was like, not really. And I was like, what does that mean?

And then I guess, like, they were like, did everything but that? And so I was really upset. We ended up getting in, like, a huge, like, what are we conversation. And it turned into, like. We ended up getting in like a huge, like, what are we conversation? And it turned into like, okay, we need to take a step back. Like, you're not even here yet. Like, so it was like, we're moving really fast. We need to take a break. Like, let's just take some time off. And I was like, okay, yeah, I agree with that. And then we didn't talk for like two days. And then we started talking again. And then the same thing happened. We're, I was like a week away, maybe like three or four days away from moving here.

And the same thing happened again. And I was like, I need to focus on tying up my loose ends here. I can't be worried about whatever you're doing up there. I was like, I'll reach out when it's settled. So I moved up here. And so I got up here. I was unpacking. And I was like, I don't really want to reach out right now. And so I didn't. But then he texted me the night that I got up here, I was unpacking and I was like, I don't really want to reach out right now. And so I didn't, but then he like texted me the night that I got here and then we started

talking again. And then he came over the second night that I moved, I was here. And that was the first time you met in person. Yeah. And it was, it was great. It was fine. Um, we ended up hooking up and we went on a date and it was super awkward and I was really nervous I was really tired like I had only been here for at that point a week and then he texted me the

next day and was like I don't know about this whole thing and I was like what the fuck you've met me twice in person so yeah okay well like I'm kind of happy it went the way it did in a way it sounds like this person isn't your person yeah and i'm just saying i'm glad he just did that and oh minus your ego whatever it might make you feel and the irritation around it it just sounds like this is just could be a big time waster for you you hear you're in this new city like and it would be super convenient to keep hanging out with them because like i don't probably you don't have probably a lot of friends in this city it's probably very lonely it's a nice person to have he you could rely on to just keep you company if nothing else so yeah probably a

big part of your desire to even hang out with them was just to like have a friend. Yeah. Like I'm having a hard time differentiating like those feelings. It's like, do I just not want to be alone and like taking my ego out of it? I don't know. I feel really confused.

And since like he said, like, I don't know how I feel about this or whatever. He's texting me every single day. Same thing thing like called me in the middle of the day yesterday that's him that's him hedging his bet you know what does that mean well it means he's he's you know playing both sides but is it like having your cake and eating it too in a sense he's hedging his bet by saying well i don't really i don't think this is working for me but i'm still gonna text you so at any point when you're like, well, what the fuck?

He's gonna be like, well, I told you I wasn't sure about this thing. It's like preparing for your bet to fail kind of thing. Yeah. That's, that's really how it felt. And like, I don't want to like ghost him. I feel like we've been talking for too long to do that, but I'm wondering if I should like, I don't want to just be friends. Like I don't want somebody who's confused and like, is this person, is he still, is he still living with his wife?

Yeah. This is not a guy who that you can assume is ready to give you what you want and need. It's probably a guy who wants to go out and be a little bit of a fuck boy. You know, his wife just was like, woke up one day and was like, hey, I'm gay. And that must be a challenge for him. I mean, just a marriage ending is you know being whatever the reason you know probably fucked him up a little bit and he's got some soul searching to do and some healing and and shit like that and he's finding companionship through you and some other

people and he's confused and like this is he's a project the right thing to do is for you to just say hey like i i just listen you're great and we, but, like, you got some shit to figure out. I just moved here. I just think this relationship isn't serving me, and I wish you the best of luck. And who knows? Okay. Maybe in a year. You run into each other.

He reaches back out. He's like, you know what? Hey, just want to check in. I finally got divorced, and, you know, by the way, I've been in therapy or whatever the fuck, you know? And, you know, I've been single for a while but really focusing on myself i've been alone and you know and like i just remember we had a really good connection and like i'm sorry i way they handle it and blah blah blah then maybe that's he could there could be a bunch of green flags for you to consider something with him but right now i think it's pretty clear that there's way more red flags and green flags and

instead of like taking on this project, because it'd be something to do and keep you preoccupied in a new city, that's scary and lonely and things like that. You could just let him figure out his own shit on his own because he's an adult and you could spend your energy, not fixing him, but like setting up the best possible life for yourself. Cause you've taken this really scary and big risk to move to a new city at

27 years old. And that's awesome. I don don't know how what you want to do or how successful you want to be but you really the sky's pretty much the limit but it's going to take work and it's going to have its ups and downs and you're going to have to fight through whatever shit you need to fight through and you're going to need the emotional bandwidth to do it. And if you're too fixated on other guys or other people, you're not going to be focused on yourself. And I feel like right now you're in a period where it almost pays to be a little selfish. This is the time for you. And if you happen to meet a guy who has full of green flags and doesn't have a bunch of baggage and isn't going through a transitional

period on himself then you can still entertain that and take things slow so when you call it what does taking slow things mean though what does it mean to you you know like an issue with it well it's getting how getting to know someone and surely getting to know yeah that's how i met my fiance you know met online essentially, right? You know, via the internet. We talked for a couple weeks. We met and you're right. You can build a great rapport via FaceTime

where you feel like you really know someone. And so, yeah, you had sex with them, whatever. Like, you know, you're gonna have to decide for yourself what you want to do and how you want to introduce like physical intimacy into your dating life. That's just like the choice is yours. You know yourself. You're going to have to trust your body.

Sounds like you've made decisions in the past that you didn't necessarily thought was the best thing for yourself. And you're going to have to figure out what boundaries you're going to have to set for yourself. Taking it slow. It's saying no when you want to say yes to the intensity or the chemistry of things. It's focusing on compatibility. It's paying attention to green flags and red flags and not trying to find excuses for the red flags. And it's daring people to be patient with you. It's easy to make a bunch of promises. And I know the world loves to call it love bombing and things like that. But

most of the time, it's not love bombing, what people are called love bombing. It's just someone getting excited, getting caught up in the moment and then just speaking their feelings and confusing them with something else. You know, confusing the intensity of the moment with like feelings like love and intimacy. Yeah. intimacy. Yeah. And it's saying no to the moment and saying, hey, I want to take it slow and seeing if that person cares about you enough to want to invest in you and be fine with the pace at which you want to go. Or see if they throw a little temper tantrum or respond in a way where it's like, what do you mean slow? Or tries to convince you to not go the pace that you want to go. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah.

What's more important is the progress. Every day you want to go. Okay, that makes sense. What's more important is the progress. Every day you get to know someone, do you know them a little bit more? You don't really know someone until you really know about their bad habits and how they deal with stress and disappointment and things like that. Maybe it's that.

If you want to get nuts and hook up, you can do that, but you're going to have to emotionally prepare's just it's checking in with yourself it's having those conversations it's being honest with yourself it's kind of making those mental notes it's less like you know and and seeing if someone's willing to go at your pace yeah i just i feel like i keep getting the advice it's like oh when you know you know and know, and like, I, is it, I don't know. Like, I, I, I, I, I don't know what that means when people say that. Yeah.

Like when I, when Natalie and I started to like to date, you know, when I was finally like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to get over my fears. Let's date. And then she like moved across the country. She moved in with me. These were not like, these were risks, risks but i at the same time i was like

in my mind i was like well if you're gonna do this we're really gonna go for it you know and i was optimistic and like i had this i had enough of delusion to be like i think we can do this but like i don't that i know for sure i mean you know you know when you know i guess anyone who says it has a benefit of hindsight you don't know you you don't have you know when you know what the fuck does that mean such an annoying thing uh but you yeah you're only 27 you're in this new chapter of your life i would just if i were you i would focus on making friends first and not romantic partners so if i were you i would you know challenge yourself to make some girlfriends, meet some gay guys, whatever, people who are not trying to have sex with you.

Be open to dating and build a support system. Build the people that you can reach out to and, hey, do you want to grab a coffee? Do you want to dream? Do you want to go to a movie? Because you are going to get bored. You are going to feel lonely and you need human connection. And the lonelier you are, the more at risk you are for making poor decisions. Loneliness is a bugaboo. It's like, it really sets us up for failure. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's why I've tolerated like the back and forth with him out of just like, well, it's somebody to do something with. Totally. Yeah. I've been there for sure.

Yeah. But yeah, take it slow. You know, like you don't have to figure this all out all at once. Take advantage of the fact that you're in a new city. Take advantage of the fact that you don't know people. Give yourself permission to do things you haven't done before. Kind of go out as an independent woman and like say to the world, Hey, I'm looking to meet people. You're going to meet people. People, you know, people are going to want to be around you and take it slow. Join some classes. What are your interests? What are your hobbies? It's going to feel a little weird. There will be moments of like, what am I doing? Am I forcing it? Yes,

you are forcing it. That's okay. You should force it. That's you getting out of your comfort zone. You know what I'm saying? That's you pushing your limits. And so it should feel on some level like you are forcing it. Bumble BFF, you know, those, you know, as toxic as dating apps can be, I think when it comes to making friends, it might be worth a shot. Go on some like, you know, girl dates, you know, some friendship dates. Yeah. New to the city, looking to make, like in your bio, literally like say, I'm looking to make friends.

When I moved, it was like before, like I met this person or even like download the dating app. Like that was what I was so excited about was like reinventing everything and trying new things in a different place. So like, I don't know why, like you saying it to me outside of like,

just knowing it subconsciously that like, I've just put so much effort into like him like and like his journey that like i kind of forgot about mine yeah i guess it's easy to do yeah do we should we just end it with him right now he's at work i don't want to do that he'll be fine if he can deal with this yeah this is about you. We're no longer responsible for his feelings. Yeah, that's true.

And we're not going to ghost him because, you know, you're a mature queen. And you're able to have awkward conversations. This is worth a text. You don't have to call him or FaceTime. You don't have to sit down with him. So just like, oh like a like what would I just say? Hey, you know, sorry about the timing. I just wanted to reach out.

First, I just want to say it's been really great getting to know you. It'd be nice. Okay. Ready? We'll draft it together. Is this an active situation? Derek, active situation. We have an active situation. Alright. active situation we have an active situation all right be like hey okay good morning did i really say good morning i mean if you'll guess i think it's funny

because it's not going to be a good morning at the end of this text. Good morning. Okay. Good morning. I just wanted to reach out. It's been really great getting to know you. I know we've gone back and forth when it comes to expectations. I want to be upfront that I think right now it's best for us to go our separate ways.

You can say right now, it's really important for me to like focus on myself right now and really make the most of this new chapter of my life. And it sounds like you might be in a similar situation as well. And it sounds like maybe, you know, you have, you have some figuring out about your life as well. And I don't think it's something we should be doing together

should I put like a maybe in the future thing? Nope absolutely not absolutely not no they always try to we don't let them that will happen organically if it needs to happen okay okay so I changed it from good morning

to morning good morning felt like like an email like a work email that's fair I just yeah and then now you can end with maybe something nice or if you want to make a you know like I really have enjoyed my time and you know

just best of luck with everything okay yeah okay okay I sense it with everything. Okay. Did I sound that? Yeah. Okay. Okay, I sense it. Now, a couple key tips. He's going to respond most likely. You're

welcome to respond, but do not negotiate with him. This is your final answer. You have made your decision. Be nice, but be short and sweet. No matter what he says, the only thing you're allowed to respond to him is essentially repeating the same message. He'll probably just agree with you. He'll probably be like, sure. And then what he will do most likely in the future is check in in with you now um if he does check in with you down the right you know he's gonna agree with me like sure and then he might even act like what what are you talking about i did this with her

you know like what you know he might even act confused like you're sending this out of the blue but you're gonna give him the benefit of the doubt right now that you sending this text is you giving him the benefit of the doubt by being like you sending this text is you giving him the benefit of the doubt by being like, Hey, I just want to communicate. You're communicating with him. And you're assuming that he should read this and respect your choice and then no longer reach out. That would be the mature, responsible thing to do for an emotionally healthy, secure person. But most of us aren't that, you know, I've, you know know i don't know if i would do the right thing you know in the moment if i were him you know i don't want to check out

and see if i could get you to respond you know that's human nature but if he does do that if he checks in you have a couple choices you could not respond to him that's option one just simply leave him on read you're not ghosting at that point you've already this is you saying goodbye if you want to to respond the only thing you should say is especially because it's gonna be like hey you you know what's up checking in or something like that you could just say hey i don't want to communicate like this in the future i truly wish you the best of luck and then you literally ask them not to reach out again. Okay. Can you do that?

If you can't do that, just don't respond. And then you can give him a heads up. You can say like, if you do like, I don't want to block you, but like, I do want to,

I don't want you to be a distraction. So I'm going to block if you keep reaching out. Cause like in my head, I feel like if he reaches out, like in a week or two, like I'm like, oh, well, we've grown so much. But you haven't. Well, yeah.

I mean, you're going to need to know that. He's going to reach out. Yeah. And you will get bored. And in two weeks, him reaching out will feel good. In fact, in two weeks, you're going to be like, why hasn't this motherfucker reached out? Why doesn't he fucking miss me?

Yeah. You know, your little ego and your know your toxic side's gonna want that validation so yeah you know that's why you know if you block them there'd be nothing wrong it might fuck up with them what would i do wrong but like you can you're allowed to block them because to protect yourself you know so i don't know should i like unfollow him on social media at this point then yeah or like is it not that deep it's not that deep it just has to you know you don't do that to send a message you do it for yourself okay you know so if you want to avoid seeing his shit and following him you know whatever you're not doing

it to get a reaction you know don't block them to like send some message you're blocking because you don't want them to have access to you yeah you. So if you can trust yourself not to respond and to enforce your own boundaries when it comes to him, then you don't have to do anything. So yeah, you're going to have to have some willpower, but he ain't changing anytime soon. He needs a break. He needs to date around. He needs to have some sex. He needs to be alone for a while. You need to be able to run into this guy a year from now. And if you happen to both be single and it's like, what have you been up to?

And then you have some drinks. He's like, you know what? And he needs to be like, you know, as hard as it was at this point, like thanks for being the bigger person. And,

uh, boy, let me tell you about my life. And, you know, he's like, I've been really working on myself and like, I've been dating and yeah,

it's been hard, but honestly it was good. And he needs to sound like a guy who's like you know done some growing yeah you know and if he doesn't i want to say that they they separated in february so it hasn't been very long yeah i mean he was married for how long they they're married for five years together for 10 yeah so yeah he's got some you know he's got and he's a dad right he's got as a kid you know he's got a lot of shit to figure out and if i were you know fuck you move to new city see what's out there you know go on some bad dates you know and you will you'll you'll have some

bad dates so get out there take it slow focus on some friendships be open to dating you know you'll probably have a lot of options my guess is so don't do the thing where you match with five guys and have five conversations on dating apps and you're just like, don't become a fuck boy, so to speak, you know? Yeah. So just take it slow. Okay. All right. Okay.

Yeah, thank you. Congratulations for, you know, hopefully ending this situation, Chip. It's up to you. I will let you guys know. Yeah, you know. He's responsible for me know I already know the update that I'm going to be curious about is did you follow through with the boundary you set for yourself and communicated with him because I know how this guy is going to respond yeah I well I hope I can stick with it I

will try very hard you can do it it's up's up to you. And then you ask yourself, how much of my energy do I want to invest in this guy? I barely know. You took this huge risk, this huge life change. And instead of investing in yourself, you are going to invest in this guy to what, save him or make him feel better or make him feel less lonely because of his shit he's dealing with. It's not your job or your responsibility and you're stealing it from yourself. There's like a 99% chance that you won't remember this person's name in 15 years, literally. And right now at the most important moment of your life up into this point, in this huge transitional period, he is getting all your energy.

Ew, I don't like the way that sounds. Take it from me. You know, I'm a little older, right? I have the benefit of like being able to be like, wow. What if he pulls the like, let's be friends. He's not your friend. Be like, we're not friends. I'm not, you've had sex with him.

You're emotionally connected with him. You're attracted to each other. He's not your friend. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Choice is yours. You're emotionally connected with him. You're attracted to each other. He's not your friend. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Choice is yours. Okay.

You're clearly a smart, capable person. You're clearly capable of making tough decisions for yourself, so follow through. Don't waste this amazing opportunity you've set yourself up with. Yeah. I mean, but truly, I'll tell you another scary possibility. You could have done that, right? This is definitely possible for you in the worst possible way. You could ignore our advice. You could keep hanging out with him. You could give in to boredom. And then a year and a half later, he's still in your life and you're still stuck in this situationship. Meanwhile,

you've invested so much of your energy into him in this situation. You haven't done the work about yourself. You didn't make enough of friends, your job, whatever. It's not going the way you want and you haven't done anything to set yourself up for a different job or a career change, yada, yada. A year and a half, two years go by. He's finally out of your life and you feel so disconnected and lonely and lost. You just go back home to where you came from. I don't want that. Well, it's far more likely that if he sticks around your life, that that's what's going to happen. Okay.

Yeah. Your time is not infinite. Your energy is not infinite. And you're either going to invest it in him or you're going to invest in yourself. And right now, given that you're taking a huge risk and a big bet on yourself in a new city, I would invest in yourself. Yeah. Yeah. This feels like the best choice, even though it's like hard, but I think it's just about not wanting to like be alone, but I could find any guy on a dating app to hang out with. So I, I, I don't suspect you're going to have a hard time finding people who are willing to hang out with you.

Yeah. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate this a lot. All right. Well, good luck. Okay. All right.

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ultimate murder mystery competition we're talking fierce competitors reality stars in public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize this season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe. One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series. The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for and vox adding that it should be your new reality tv obsession we are certainly obsessed stream every episode of traders now only on peacock how's it going hi i'm sarah i'm 22 and i recently moved in with my boyfriend and his newborn and I'm struggling to make our relationship work.

Okay. Sounds like you haven't been dating that long. About four months. Okay. Maybe five. As long as it's less than nine. Was there any overlap or shenanigans? No, not at all.

How did you meet him? I met him through one of my super good old friends was he in a relationship with the mother of his child or was this like a one-night-stand thing it was kind of both they dated for three months and then broke up and then it was a one-night-stand um like three months later yeah yeah and and does he have full custody so right now the mom has full custody physical and legal because they weren't married okay um when she had the child so that's still being like figured out for the most part and do you know what his goals are around that? Like, is it an amicable situation or is it slightly messy? It's super, super messy, but currently it's pretty cordial.

He wants 50-50, but she's very like up and down. Gotcha. From what I've heard. So you have, he has an upcoming potential legal battle. Yes. Okay. Just out of curiosity, the decision to move in with someone you've been dating for four months, how did you guys come to that decision? Well, we were practically like from the get-go, we just wanted to be with each other 24 seven. Okay. It's definitely been like a different relationship for me. It's different than all my other

relationships because i feel like we get each other so well but at the same time like when we have disagreements it's like at the end of the world pretty much but we just wanted to spend like all of our time together pretty much i mean it makes sense. You meet someone, you get excited, you're 22. So you're on the younger side of life, regardless of how that might feel for you. I don't know what your relationship history is prior to this guy, but not uncommon for someone who's 22 to meet someone they really connect with and feel very excited and want to spend all their time with them. want to spend all their time with them. It's definitely a red flag though, that within the four months of you dating that you say to us that when we do fight, it's pretty fucking messy. Yeah. Because the biggest barometer of the potential of a relationship in my book is not how you get along. It's how you fight, especially early on. Because right now you're just riding on the high of being super physically attracted to one another, the newness of it all. You're kind of like a savior for him.

Here is a guy who was in a relationship, broke up with her, got her pregnant, found out, hey, by the way, I'm having a kid. I don't know what that was like for him. Probably scary. How old is he, by the way? 23. Okay. So he's still super young. That must have been fucking crazy for him then he meets you the beautiful lady he's just like oh my god i'm saved it's all gonna be okay as long as i have her yeah i would say that that's actually accurate and so if i'm him he's just like let's move in he wants to he wants to lock it down you know and moving in with each other is a false sense of security yeah no i hear that you are living together or you

we are yeah we moved in on the 17th of september yeah so these are just things you should just consider i hear that yeah but i guess let's back to let's get to the meat of why you called like minus everything i just said which is like regardless of him having a kid and you guys living together i would have said the same thing to anyone regardless of their age i have a little bit more conviction what i'm saying because you are 22 but the fact that you did call about you are struggling specifically around the fact that he has this newborn and the newborn in that situation is seemingly you know making it difficult for you you know can you give us a little bit more insight into that? Like what, what, what about it is making it difficult? Well, mainly what's making it difficult is like, so he has to be super nice to her

before like this custody battle, like has to like be super cordial with her. And like, he really does not like her because she struggled with like substance abuse during the pregnancy which was rough for him like really hard for him so she she kind of like flirts with him over the messages and like he can't do anything about it and he can't really tell her to be like hey like back off in case that'll like trigger her and then like she'll be'll be like, okay, well now I'm going to, now when we do go to court, I am going to get full custody. And like, you're not going to see your kid. I mean, like, I mean, she can threaten all she wants and I'm don't take anything I say, because I don't know what the fuck about legal when it comes to child custody. But I mean,

I'm assuming someone who has a track record of substance abuse, especially while pregnant is a liability for a child. And I hope he's documenting these conversations and quite honestly anything that she sends him in writing is something that he can use in the court of law so yeah that was when we first started talking in general um a big topic was like the baby mama and like i'm pretty aware of like the court system around custody so even though she has had substance abuse issues, like in Minnesota, like it's, it's definitely like a, a state where they want the baby to go to mom regardless. Yeah. That's, that's been a struggle too, because even though there has been some documentation, she's never gotten like physically caught by the police or anything so he likes she does hold that over his

head um pretty frequently well i mean again you know more than me when it comes to this but like my understanding is that she can always hold this over his head yeah that is true yeah you know right because she could say hey I'm agreeing to 50-50 custody. And then one day she could say, well, I don't want that. And she could go to court and try to get 100% custody. That is true. So, like, there's no end in sight when it comes to, like, tiptoeing around her, so to speak. That is true, I guess.

I guess, like, another issue that I'm having is, like, it just makes me super uncomfortable when he has to like, go and see her knowing that like she's flirting with him. And then also just like, there's been like two or three issues where his words don't line up with like his actions were like, he'll say that he's going to do something and then he doesn't do what he says that he's going to do like what um let's say that he was going to play online with like a girlfriend like just gaming online with his with a girlfriend but like he previously was like oh but like she's super sneaky i think that like she's a cheater and i was like oh well if you're going to play with her can you please just let me know so that I can be in the loop and not be like surprised when you tell me some story about like how you were playing with her? And he was like, yeah, for sure, I can do that. And then I walk out and like he's playing with her and I'm like, why didn't you just tell me? I'm literally in the other room like you can communicate that to me. tell me I'm literally in the other room. Like you can communicate that to me. And I asked you to communicate and you didn't. So it's like situations like that, that really make me be like, okay, well, is what you're saying to me true? Like when you hang out with your baby mama, like, are the things that you're telling me, are those true too? Or like, are you leaving out information

because you think that I'll be upset what what does your instinct tell you with his baby mama no and like you asked us you asked like a lot of questions is he this is he doing this is he following through is he saying one thing and doing another despite what you want to believe what is your body what does your gut tell you is probably the truth. Both. So like, I feel like he does tell me like the like important things, but I also feel like he does leave out some information. Also, why is he playing with girls online? Huh? What do you mean?

You said he's playing with girls. I mean, I'm assuming some sort of online video game and shit. Yeah, it is a video game. Yeah. But Fortnite or. Sure. But it sounds like, you know, you're calling with these, like, gaming headsets, like, people, it's 2023.

You can build fucking... We can make friendships. We can build rapport. You can develop connections with people while playing video games. Exactly, yeah. That was why I was like, hey, if you're going to play with her,

can you just, like, tell me? Like, it's not that big of a deal if you play with her. I'm not trying to isolate you. Just, like know well i mean again like it is a balance but you have the right to say no to them you're not crazy or controlling because you're uncomfortable with your boyfriend who you now live with and you're taking some serious steps into this relationship is it not crazy you're free to be like i don't want you playing with and you're taking some serious steps into this relationship is it not crazy you're free to be like i don't want you playing with women you know i don't want i don't want you setting up play dates with women like would you be cool with he was like hey i'm just gonna meet

up my friend missy and have a drink with her and you're like who's missing you're like oh just some girl you know yeah no absolutely not and but when he does play he plays with like his friends too so it's not like it's one-on-one with this girl but it's like but it's like i'd still like to know and that is my biggest fear because i don't want to be controlling it and he's like he's like well i was scared like you're already mad at me and like blah blah and i'm like that's not an excuse like you're you're protecting yourself when you're not telling me things like you're not like protecting me and like that's when it feels like he doesn't like understand me or like see me because i'm very communicative and i feel like i don't receive that from him

because he is scared and i know a little bit about his like past relationships and like stuff like that so i can empathize with him but it's also like when do i need to stop yeah are you empathizing with him or you're just making excuses for him um kind of both i mean you can empathize with someone and still hold them accountable right you can empathizing with him would be like i recognize why this was difficult for you i recognize why you struggle with this. Nevertheless, I still expect you to do it. Because as a capable young woman, you want someone who can do the right thing, make the tough choices. I was scared and I didn't want you to be mad at me. That's something a 12

year old would say. But you, it's real it's your choice is this is is he capable of giving you what you want and need you know it doesn't like it's amazing that you guys have great sex and i don't know have a fun time i don't know what it like all all the things that you if i ask you what do you love about this relationship you probably it sounds like four months in you could probably say a lot of nice things but there you have other things that four months in that are stressing you the fuck out yeah well we also like i know that both of us want it to work what are you willing to do to make it work well we actually signed up for couples therapy really um yeah kind of hoping that that'll like help we probably yeah, yeah, it might, you know,

because it sounds like your biggest issue is like how you guys communicate your struggles. You know, you can say in the therapy session, like it frustrates me when he does X, Y, or Z. And then you'll have this third party person kind of mediating the conversation. And hopefully you guys will help get on the same page and learn some tools of how to communicate, you know?

Yeah, because we definitely both just try to get our own points across. He may, I don't know, like maybe both of you you but like he might have some work to do on himself couples therapy isn't going to fix him it's just going to help you guys communicate more effectively i i just think you should slow down with your expectations about the future with him and i don't mean like couples are great i don't mean slow down there. It's just what do you guys tell yourselves? You know, the promises you make to each other, the planning, the playing house, you know, it's easy to be like, oh, I love you.

We're going to be together forever. It's hard to like communicate effectively and listen because the planning doesn't save a relationship. It doesn't make a relationship. It just makes it harder to move on if it doesn't work out because you feel like it's so, it didn't work out and we promised each other

and yada, yada, yada. But it's so easy to play house and make these grand promises about the relationship and the future and the potential. And maybe you'll get there, but to get there, you have to, you know,

slow it down a little bit. You know, and by slow it down, it's just stop putting these heightened expectations of each other on the relationship. You know, you've only been dating for four months. Yeah. We're still getting to know each other. Yeah. And it's just going to take time. And so it's just, it's just acknowledging to each other that that's a reality. Sometimes it's scary. You know, you guys have moved in with each other. You have, you're making these big promises and sometimes scary for two people who have strong feelings for each other that that's a reality. Sometimes it's scary. You know, you guys have moved in with each other. You're making these big promises and sometimes scary for two people who have strong feelings for each other to say, well, for really keeping it real, we don't really know each other and we're not sure what we might find out about each other. And that might impact our relationship. And we can still choose, we can always choose to work

through it. You know, you don't even know how compatible you are or aren't. choose to work through it. You don't even know how compatible you are or aren't. I suppose so. It feels like we do, but I understand that, yeah, it really is a new relationship. So you guys have to just be a little bit more honest with each other without freaking each other out. And I think it's awesome that you guys signed up for couples therapy and that he's willing to do that. And that's a great big first step for two people who are like you guys like each other there's a lot of potential there you it seems like that's how you both feel but you recognize the challenges and you're like i want to you know when i said you know what are you willing to do well you're willing it sounds like you're willing to do a lot and that's awesome if this is your forever person

there's just no need to be in a rush you're gonna be with this guy for fucking ever i guess so i guess like from i guess like one of my questions that like i really struggle to understand with him is like but like when i bring something up that is bothering me he does just get like mega defensive so i had told him I was like hey like this has been really hard for me recently like when the baby was born like I was like hey I'm really struggling right now like this has been like super hard and like overwhelming and I see that like obviously this is hard for you too like but I was like hey like this is just like super hard for me and i was trying to communicate that with him and his response was pretty much like get well soon and i was like oh okay i'll tell you why

he responded that way why because he already has one problem in his life, his baby mama. And his expectation of you is to not be a problem. What he wants you to be is someone he can count on for emotional support and empathy and understanding. And your problems are inconvenient to his problems. And I suffer over this problem too. This is things I always have to work on. I care a lot about being a great partner to my partner i care i will i i put a lot of effort into my relationship and so every once in a while when my partner expresses a frustration that they have i take it personally i make it about me and then i get

defensive and it's just like but i'm trying so fucking hard already. So there's that. He sounded exactly like him right there. Yeah. And then you add to the fact that he does have this child custody problem, and I'm sure it's very stressful for him. And it's constantly on his mind. He's constantly preoccupied by it. And then when you, all of a sudden you're knocking on his door and being like, hey, by the way, I have something to complain about too. He's just like, what?

Come on. You're supposed to be the person who doesn to complain about too. He's just like, what? Come on. You're supposed to be the person who doesn't complain to me. You're supposed to be the person I can like vent to about the problems I have. Right. But you have the right to express your frustration. So that's, that is definitely something couples therapy can help with for sure. And he just needs to recognize that, you know, this is a problem he has asked you to accept. I mean, has he ever sat down and say, can I just say, you know, for everything we've been through, like, I really appreciate just like how fucking cool and understanding you've been about this whole situation. Because quite frankly, I realize that like not everyone would accept my current situation and my life as it is now.

And so I just want to say thank you. Has he ever done that? In a way, like when I told him I was struggling, like that was the response that I was looking for was like, just like, well, thank you for like, like being with me through this and like doing these things. I don't know if he's ever like said that just to say it versus like saying it after we come to a solution on like something that we're arguing about like it usually feels like a like an afterwards thing if that makes sense which i still appreciate but it

just doesn't feel as like sincere like he's really he's really taking it to him. Well, you deserve to hear that. His head's below water. I don't know. Head above water? I don't know. He's struggling. Like he's got a lot on his plate. You know?

I can only imagine. Fuck. I'm 23 and knocked up my ex after we broke up and then met another girl. I don't know what the fuck I'd do. Honestly. I'd be freaking out. So I empathize with him. But nevertheless, it is not your responsibility to take on all the emotional baggage because you can or you're willing to. Again, no one's going to deliver you

a trophy. You're not going to get recognized as girlfriend of the year. You know, you're not going to be, you know, no one's going to call you a hero. Right. Yeah. And that's like definitely not something that I expect. Well, then why are you doing it? You have the right to expect these things and you have the right to communicate and he can, you know, swing and miss a few times, but he needs to recognize despite what he's going through, that he's asking a ton of you and to be appreciative about that and to prioritize his current relationship, you above all things, minus maybe his child, which, yeah. And I don't know. And I, something to keep in mind, unless he does go to court and figure out a way to get a judge on his side, she will always be able to hang

this over his head you know so if she's that much of a liability maybe he just gets his ducks in a row and comes out fucking swinging and i don't know that's just you know because she ain't gonna like chill out anytime soon if she's willing to weaponize the baby now she's going to weaponize this baby forever yeah that's definitely why it's like hey talk to this lawyer like you need to figure this out yeah like she's cool right now but like she won't be cool like forever no you guys get married or whatever and have another kid like right yeah he is relying on hope when it comes to her and that is not something i would count on yeah tell me about it but listen despite your feelings for this guy you have some tough choices to make and you need to hold him accountable and you can't make excuses for him

you're only 22 the rest that you have so much life in front of you and the rest of your life is such a fucking long time i know i just want to get lucky you know i'm sure you want to get lucky i want to find my person right now i hear you but i don't think you're going to have a problem meeting people if if this doesn't work out and i'm not saying you should quit i mean again i think i love that you guys are going to couples therapy. Don't sacrifice the rest of your life because you're an impatient 22 year old. That's valid.

You know, you have no reason to be impatient. You know, you have every reason to be picky and take your time. There's going to be plenty of guys who would be willing to date you, you know, and maybe he's your guy, but like,

take it fucking slow with him because playing house and speeding things up and trying to like prove to each other how strong your feelings are by making these huge life choices doesn't make a relationship work it just adds more pressure so then i guess like by taking it like, I feel like we have pretty much reached the limit. Like next step would be like, oh, we're getting engaged. That's the problem though. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. You've been going so fast. Your foot's been on the gas and you haven't let off. And you're right. The only logical next step is to get fucking married. What do we do next? As human beings, we want to feel like we're making progress and we're doing things and we're you know so yes i make sense that in your

brain you're thinking fuck you know that that that's the red flag that tell you something you are you are skipping a lot of steps and getting to know each other. And you are afraid to acknowledge to each other that despite the intensity of your feelings for each other, that you too might not be each other's person. You might be as well. But don't be afraid to challenge your feelings for each other and ask yourselves the tough questions. Are we really compatible? Is this really that's best for us? Are we right for each other? Do we make each other feel safe and secure and and can we communicate and do i feel understood you know and can we work through difficult situations together and maybe the answer to all these questions with him is yes and i do think it's

a huge green flag that you met a 23 year old man who's willing to get couples therapy that that's positive you suggested it i was like well that's great that suggested it i was like that's great that was really i was like maybe you are the one yeah and that's a green flag but you know he's got to follow through and it can't just be something he throws out there you know i don't i'm not saying whether he's your guy or not i'm just saying don't be afraid to slow it down and challenge each other and dare each other to actually find out don't be afraid to realize that he's you're challenge each other and dare each other to actually find out. Don't be afraid to realize that you're to each other, that you're not each other's person. I feel like that's so hard when you're in the relationship. It is, but you're not going to escape that at some point.

If you decide to stay with them and get married or have kids, I don't know what your choices are, but you're not going to be able to avoid that inevitable moment where you guys are like i'm not feeling as connected to you right now you guys you guys are connected by default everything is so fucking intense so new and so dramatic and so fucking and even the trauma even the the drama that you guys are facing brings you together in some weird it's just so fucking intense yeah there's been a lot of drama while we've been together but eventually the intensity is going to die down and you don't want to wake up and be like well who are you who am i do i really feel that way about you anymore because the intensity isn't there and that'll happen

no matter what it happens to everybody the relationship has resulted in some obvious red flags that need to be addressed yeah mainly the lying or not the lying the not following the avoiding the truth and the kind of yeah

he might be well intentioned but it's still not okay he's probably thinking to myself I know I'm not doing anything wrong, and I just don't want to fight, you know, so I'm just not going to tell her because I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not flirting with her. I'm not, you know, being inappropriate. And I just don't want to hassle.

And this is a guy at 23 who doesn't need one more hassle. He's got so many hassles in his life. But it's still not okay. And he needs to recognize that. And you have the right to say it to him and not feel like the bad guy all the time because you're asking for some simple communication. But that is when I feel controlling then.

Because I am aware that he has so much on his plate. And some of these things I feel like might be things where it's like, the only reason I need to know so much is because I am feeling insecure because of these past experiences. Yeah, but all the more reason to slow it down, but you're doing the opposite. You can meet a guy that you really like and like a lot of things about him and see a lot of potential in and then recognize yourself, boy, not the best timing. I met a guy I

really like, and there's so much things I like about him, but I met him at a time where he is going through it. You would have been better off to meet this guy two years from now where he's got this all figured out and he's through the court system and he's just like a single dad, but that's not how you met him. Right. And that's life. And you can still make it work, but like you're doing the thing where it's just like, well, to make it work, let's just fast forward our relationship. Let's get ourselves stuck. And then once we're stuck, we'll put ourselves into a corner in hopes that we'll just have to figure it out because we're so pot committed. So you don't have to move out. I'm not saying you have to go all the way backwards, but just to be honest with them, hey, I just think

we should slow down. I love you. I care care about you i'm so appreciative of the fact that you suggest this couples therapy let's go ahead and do that but let's just slow down and anyways what does that mean you know let's just acknowledging that we have a lot to learn about each other just full stop that you know conversations around engagement and kids we need to hold each other accountable to like we're just we're not remotely close to that and it's not because i don't love you i fuck my gut tells me to start to talk to do nothing but talk about having babies with you but that's that's you know that's what i want to do sure so feel good about that but i want us to do it right too and i don't want to repeat patterns

and i don't want you to repeat patterns and i don't want us to feel like we're stuck and i don't want to repeat patterns and I don't want you to repeat patterns and I don't want us to feel like we're stuck and I don't want to put pressure on us and I don't want to add stresses to our relationship. So I want to slow down. I can definitely do that. I don't think that'll be an issue. I mean, I think that he'll feel a little rejected or hurt. Rejected because like you're saying I'm not ready to get engaged yet? Rejected because like we are moving at like a fast pace and so like i feel like he's gonna interpret me saying like let's slow it down as to like like i'm not sure if i love you as much as i say that i love you like i feel like that is definitely how he will interpret it at least at first. Sure. No, I hear you.

That is just a sign that he has some maturing to do. And that's okay because he's only 23. Right. In a relationship, you're going to hurt each other's feelings. You're going to disappoint each other. And the important thing is how you work through that. So lead with like, hey, I love you. I really do.

Like, I care so much about you. Like I w I want to do whatever I can to set us up so that we have a chance to be together forever. That's my goal. That's what I want. That's why I'm saying this to you. But I do think, I do think we should slow down and just focus on getting to know each other, focus our connection, focusing on listening to each other, not be afraid afraid to like just talk and acknowledge the reality of the situation because being delusional with each other isn't going to grow our relationship gosh it makes me nervous yeah i'm sorry no it's okay i did i did dig this hole myself. It's not that big of a hole. You can get out of it. And like, again,

maybe he's your guy. I don't know. You know, I hope so. I mean, I feel like anyone that dates anyone for the most part, it's like, you always hope that like, right. Exactly. But also remember that, you know, it's like, I can't have it not work out again, you know, or I can't, you know, I've already invested four months or I've already invested a year or four years, but. Yeah. Just. I can definitely do that. Okay.

And just be like, yeah, like I love you. Yeah. Lead, lead with love and lead with kindness and try to make him secure. He can say, well, that's hard to hear. That makes me feel a little nervous. That makes me feel a little scared if I'm being honest, but I understand what you're saying. And me being scared to hear that only just, again, should make you feel good because he doesn't want to lose you. He doesn't want to hear that. So you can bond over the desire that you both have to make this work.

That's so beautiful. Yeah. Gosh. I am. I'm sure he's going through a lot. I've been him before. I've been you before. You know, it's, I get where you guys are coming from, but you got to be honest with yourself about your choices. It's, it's so much, it's so much easier to play house and pretend that everything's fine

and that love conquers all that doesn't yeah no it doesn't yeah you'll figure it out all right yeah all right well good luck pretty hopeful keep uh keep us posted we are uh let us know if he wants to come on we'll do all right thank you talk to you later good luck bye-bye thanks for listening don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.. We'll see you tomorrow for another episode of Reality Recap. Bye.