The Viall Files - E666 Ask Nick - My Gay BFF Is in Love With Me

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we check-in with Ali, who just moved back home to Minnesota. We also read a submission from a writer-iner who is married, but has a crush on her coworker. She’s been lacking a spark with her husband, and wants to know if there is any harm in an innocent crush to fill that void. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller’s gay best friend is in love with her. He’s been confessing his feelings to their friend group and it’s making her extremely uncomfortable. She’s not sure where these feelings are coming from, or how to address them. Our second caller worries her boyfriend’s job is ruining their relationship. Her boyfriend owns a business and dedicates practically all his time to that, leaving our caller to feel unwanted and unloved. He’s never reassured her that he wants to be with her long term, so she’s not sure why she’s sticking it out. Our final caller can’t move on from her situationship. This is their second time situationing, yet there has still been no progress to an actual relationship. She’s wondering if there’s any hope, or if not, how she can possibly let go. “The only way to save this is to break up with him.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit Article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. BetterHelp - Find your bright spot this season, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Grammarly - You’ll be amazed at what you can do with Grammarly. Go to https://www.grammarly.com/PODCAST to download for FREE today. TodayTix - See that show you’ve always wanted to see—or discover something new that you’ll love just as much for even less. Go to https://www.TodayTix.com/nickviall  and use promo code nickviall to get twenty dollars off your first TodayTix purchase! Drizly - Download the Drizly app or go to https://www.Drizly.com to get the go-to app for alcohol delivery. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

Well, the seasons are changing. We're heading inside. It's time to make sure that your furniture throughout your house is best in class, comfortable and stylish. And you can do all of that with Article because Article believes in delightful designs for every home. And thanks to their online only model, they have some really delightful prices too. Their curated assortments of mid-century modern coastal industrial Scandi and boho designs make furniture shopping simple. Nally and I have several article pieces, both indoor and outdoor furniture. We absolutely love them. Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. What's going on? Sorry. Can we keep that in i don't know you get to the clip what's going on everybody welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm

your host nick joined by the the household it's uh it's it's a skeleton crew today we got derek what's up uh and we have ally live from minneapolis um it's ally martin where in uh you do live in minneapolis is your like are you in minneapolis outside of minneapolis st paul no they're they're outside of st paul outside of st paul isn Paul? No, they're outside of St. Paul. Outside of St. Paul. Isn't that kind of all the same? I mean, sure. But if you like talk to someone who lived in the Twin Cities,

they probably want more of a specific. It's a big territory. Yeah, I mean, for someone who's not from that general area, Minneapolis works, yeah? Okay, sure. Do you have, like are you,

is there like a team Minneapolis and team St. Paul? Yeah, for sure. I feel like they're very different. Also, St. Paul is the capital. It's not Minneapolis. They're like next door to each other. I know.

I'm just saying. Anyway, Allie is in Minneapolis. She moved. Allie moved. I know Allie hasn't been on the show as much recently. She's been taking on more responsibility for us actually not less more uh i've been super important in that department but uh she is obviously still very much with us but ali had decided that la wasn't her her la la land you

know and uh decided uh she wanted to go back home and just because ali means so much to us we we wanted to make it work with ali so here we are we figured we'd have a little nick ali and derek time where's amanda's at a wedding or some shit where's she off to i'm not sure i marked her in the calendars out of office but i don't put the reason amanda is not here that's where she is on the east coast she is on the east coast she's on the east coast yes you probably waved to you ellie okay maybe there you go maybe i don't know she's flying over you right now right now as we speak but how was the move alley anything you want to say you know well i mean i feel like a little a little like i don't want to lie because

i was so i always try i don't like to do anything too risky. So like, I still have my apartment in LA. I needed like a little safety net. So it doesn't feel still in LA. Okay. Everything's in LA. I'm here.

So you wait, you might move back. I'm trying to enter into an experiment in which I switch out variables at a time. You're in a situation ship. I'm trying to be calculated. I needed a little reset. It might be permanent. I think we're going to take it day by day and see how it feels.

But I will say so far, it's been nice. It feels a lot calmer. I get to take Kiki on these like wooded paths like around a lake for her walks every day as opposed to dirty concrete. We lost our office dog. Real bummer. I think that's what people are more upset

about. It's not actually me. Well, it's both of you. But there is something about having an office dog, you know? Yeah, there's a presence like there's less barking barking there's still some barking which is a little weird but no but kiki was always so hungry for attention she would jump on everyone's lap she was crazy she really would greet our guests in a really loving way yeah she would sit with our guests like we would have guests crying and Kiki's there. Where is she right now, Allie?

She by your side? She has the exact same bed that she had in LA. And then I brought her Vile Files bowl home. So she has the exact same setup. I think she thinks we're doing the same thing. Just without all you guys.

Yeah, I was wondering where your car was. I was driving in. I was like, what did she do with her fucking car she just flew home yeah well i don't believe in the drive i think you ship cars i don't think you need to do 100% you ship cars yeah it's actually crazy i feel like most people don't know about this like it's strangely not as expensive you as you think it would be no so i ran the numbers when i moved out to la of what it would mean for like my parents and i to get in the car drive several days get hotels every night then you can't fit as much stuff in your car so you have to end up just shipping additional stuff and it actually ended up being way more expensive yeah to just ship the car with all my stuff in it and

have us fly that's what we do with with Natalie's car when she moved out. Yeah. I was like, oh, I'll fly out to Savannah. We'll do some fucking road trip. And then I remembered when Jared moved out here and lived with me, he shipped his car out. He told me about it. It's like a thousand bucks or something. Maybe it's higher now with fucking gas inflation.

But yeah, when you do the math and gas and the that's the time it's going to take and short of you being like just a road trip warrior uh and like you said didn't you know you could stuff your car full of your valuables i mean i guess there's always the you know risk that i wouldn't put anything too valuable in it. I feel like your car does go on a sketchy journey when you ship it across country. I want to do a time lapse. Do one of those little GoPros on your windshield and just have it go with you.

And just have it go on the car. Yeah. That'd be kind of interesting. But anyone moving cross country, yeah, you should consider shipping your car, not driving it out there. Save the miles. Yeah. it was one of those things where you're surprised by

you would think it'd be way more expensive no for sure like I've had to like ship I don't know products and that cost me a few hundred bucks for shipping and I'm like what you know like maybe I had to overnight something and then a car you'd think it would be so much more

and it's just not wow but anyway this intro is just a PSA for shipping your car anyway Allie we're glad you're still with us we're happy you are happy in Minneapolis St. Paul wherever the fuck

is that the twin is St. Paul the twin to Minneapolis well it depends on who you ask. Okay. Paul, like I said, is the capital of Minneapolis. Okay.

you know, Minneapolis, St. Paul is the capital of Minnesota. Excuse me. Uh, Minneapolis is the bigger city. It would be like,

you know, I'm like, you know, as if most people know Wisconsin cities, but Milwaukee is the major city in Wisconsin. Madison is the capital. They're an hour and a half away from each other. It would be like, if they cut as if most people know Wisconsin cities, but Milwaukee is the major city in Wisconsin. Madison is the capital. They're an hour and a half away from each other. It would be like if they cut out that hour, that the 90 miles between Madison and Milwaukee and just like put them next to each other.

It's kind of a bizarre thing. What is the history behind the Twin Cities? I don't like, why do they just call it one city? Like, why couldn't they just like. Because they're two separate cities. They're literally next door to each other. Yeah. But, yeah, I know, but...

New York's got five boroughs, like... I guess. I don't know. I'd love some Twin Cities history. Minneapolis and St. Paul each began as tiny immigrant towns and grew up together, eventually forming a cohesive metropolis that's part bustling city, part sleepy suburb, part

natural beauty, and all uniquely Minnesota. Incredible. Good to know. That sounded like a travel site. Yeah. That's literally Twin Cities Sightseeing Tours.com. Yeah. That's exactly what it sounded like.

I want the dirty history. You know? Yeah. Why do they hate each other?. I want the dirty history, you know? Yeah, why do they hate each other? Like, is there drama? Should we have them on? I feel like, yeah, it's like Sharks vs. the Jets or something. It was like two gangs, two rival gangs or something. Gangs of the Twin Cities.

Ooh. It's like West Side Story or something. Martin Scorsese. Do we have a writer in reality? We do. We do, we do. Okay, so this writer in reality? We do. We do. We do. Okay. So this writer in our says, I am 30 years old, married for six years to my high school sweetheart, and we have a one-year-old daughter.

I would appreciate your advice and opinion. Recently, I have developed a crush on my younger coworker. We work in different departments, so we don't interact much. However, during our limited interactions, I have become somewhat infatuated. We share the same values and hobbies, in particular running, and he is very cute. I know that I would never act on this crush, but here are my questions. Is it normal slash okay for a married woman to entertain herself with an innocent crush, or is this a sign of a larger issue in my marriage? Two, the coworker and I are both very serious runners.

I have some running goals that I hope to accomplish in the next year, and I would like to ask him for his help with my training. This could potentially involve going on some runs together or with a group. Is it okay to spend time with him, most likely in a group setting, and communicate with him about my training? Or am I just asking for trouble? I love my husband. He is my best friend.

And we make a good team. We haven't known each other since we were 12. And that is a bond that can never be broken. But we are missing that romantic spark and the butterflies that I feel toward my coworker crush. Is it okay to continue to innocently entertain this crush? Or should I shut it down? And if so, how do I do that?

I'm kind of like disappointed in our writer in her. Does she listen to this show? I mean, she wrote it into us. So I would assume so. Right. I don't know. Has she not listened to anything we've ever said? But I do think it's impressive that she is reaching out. Like the amount of people who have called in who would have just acted on this and blown up their life. I think she's actually trying to discern why these feelings are coming up. What's okay. What's not. It's better for her to reach out and ask advice and actually be thinking about what she's doing than just blindly act on something and regret it down the line.

Oh, sure. Yeah. That's definitely a positive. I mean, I love it when she's like, we have so much in common, like running. It's like, okay. A lot of people run. Listen, yeah, it's like, okay, she has a crush. I'm glad she's acknowledged that, but it's not innocent. It's not an innocent crush. How would you feel if you found out your husband had a crush on a younger woman he worked with? How about any of that is innocent? women he worked with? How is that? How about any? What about any of that is innocent? You know, we can't necessarily, well, we can control our thoughts and feelings, but at times it might feel

like we can't. It sounds like, yeah, she's lost something about her and her husband. They've lost their connection. As we've talked about often on the show, their connection isn't as strong as it used to be. And right now, instead of focusing on that and trying to reconnect with her husband and sitting down with them and just saying, hey, I feel a little bit more disconnected with you. I don't feel X, Y, or Z. What can we do about that? How can we work on that? Et cetera, et cetera. Instead, she is taking her relationship with her husband for granted. And by granted, our bond could never be broken. We've known each other for so long. That's not true. You could totally break a bond.

Try fucking this guy and see how strong that bond is. Nick! She said our bond could never be broken. I'm going to give this writer enter the benefit of the doubt and know that she knows the difference between being right or wrong. She knows what is okay and what's not okay. But, you know, she's in this situation. Maybe she hasn't, you know, maybe she's been's in this situation maybe she hasn't you know maybe

she's been down in her dumps i don't know what the reasons are the reasons of uh maybe she's not feeling as seen by her husband maybe he hasn't done anything romantic for her and maybe well maybe they haven't had shared interest we're missing the romantic spark and the butterflies that i feel toward my co-worker crush so i feel like in a way it does, as we talk about a lot on the show, it relationships take work and the longer you're with each other, you've known each other since you were 12, you were high school sweethearts, you got married, you now have a one year old. I can understand that, you know, suddenly compared to your marriage in which you don't feel a spark, having these feelings is kind of like, oh, wait, I need, like, this is crazy

because I'm feeling this toward this coworker crush and I don't feel anything like this toward my husband right now. That's not to say, like, maybe you didn't feel that at the beginning, but how would you recommend she tries to accomplish the same feeling, that same spark, those same butterflies with her husband

so maybe she's not looking elsewhere, if that makes sense? Well, I mean, it's not till death do you get a crush or till what i don't know until it's slightly difficult or you have a challenge yeah until you get a crush do you part you know like life happens yeah having a kid is stressful you know work can be stressful raising kids be stressful. It's easy for people who have known each other for a long period of time to take each other for granted. They're not the first couple, a young couple that's experienced stuff like that. But to talk about it as if it's

an excuse to tempt yourself and to give in to, make excuses like, oh, you met someone, you have a common interest. I mentioned in my book, trust compatibility over chemistry, because chemistry is hard to rely on. It's hard to count on. It's easy to manufacture. You can manufacture chemistry on a TV show like The Bachelor. Perfect example, chemistry. She feels chemistry with this guy because they run, because there's a shared interest.

She can talk about new goals and PRs that she said, and he can be like, oh yeah, me too. And they can relate to each other. And she clearly enjoys running and has a passion for it. And this guy gives a shit about her passion and that creates chemistry. But that can be easily temporary, you know, just because they have a shared mutual interest over running, maybe it's a temporary hobby for this guy, you know, but also relationships aren't based off of hobbies, you know, hobbies can come and go. So listen, if you married this guy, if you really think if this is your person, if this is the person you chose to marry and you want to be with, then when shit gets hard, you have to sit each other down and just have some honest conversation.

You know, you can't look for outside validation with other people. And stop kidding yourself about putting yourself in compromising situations where, you know, you're in the same room and just because you're around other people doesn't make it okay for him to flirt with you and for you to like bat your eyes back, you know, just because you're in a group setting or share these little intimate moments and

things like that. So my advice to her is have an honest conversation with her husband about how she's been feeling, what she would like the two of them to do. Hey, I feel disconnected from you. I don't feel like we're sharing those intimate moments. I'd like for us to work on that. How can we do that? Well, again, obviously couples therapy, sometimes it's having a conversation. Hopefully he hears her and gives a shit. Hopefully she hears, hey, I just haven't

been as happy or as motivated and I want to reconnect with you. But the problem with having a crush sometimes is it makes you not want to focus on the relationship that you're in. It makes you want to focus on the crush. So, you know, her energy that's going to be required to help with this problem that she's having with her husband is going towards this crush right now. She's thinking about her crush. She's thinking about running with him. She's, you know, negotiating with herself about her values and what's okay and what's not okay. And she's probably lying to herself about what she's doing and downplaying it and things like that's energy. And that's energy that she could be putting toward this relationship and towards her kids and things like that. No one ever said five plus years that haven't experienced temporary moments of feeling distant from their partner and lost that love and feeling and that chemistry. Or maybe they're having less sex and things like that.

But the people who care and give a shit and are committed to each other figure out a way to make it work. You know, and sometimes you just have to slow things down and just have an honest conversation with each other instead of going running, you know, with your crush. I feel like every relationship, like long marriage, you always hear, we've had our ups and downs, but we've made it work. There's always going to be conflict. And it also makes me think too, like, you know, relationships over a long period of time, like you kind of have different chapters within them. And as your life changes, sometimes you guys need to like re communicate about like priorities,

what you're trying to do. If you have a kid that changes your life dramatically from when you were first dating. So it's like, sometimes you have to communicate like you as a couple and the relationship, or like, you know, if you have a different new job,

you move somewhere different. Like there's different factors. I always feel like you have to like just communicate about those and set expectations and in a positive way. I mean, every, not every, but there's been many, many affairs that have started with a story like this. You know, oh, I just had a crush and we went running and it was innocent and this isn't going to end in any way good. and this isn't going to end in any way good, you know? And so, yeah, it's nice to figure out ways to get that validation or that attention or that love,

but you got to get it in healthy places and you shouldn't be getting it from anyone else. You shouldn't be getting it from people you have crushes on and people you have, you know, thoughts about in ways that you shouldn't have thoughts about especially when you're in a committed relationship so that is uh agreed yeah so we gotta start with that honest and open communication with her husband and hopefully then they can find that spark again or at least be more on the same page so she doesn't have to go running with this other man there is no such thing as an innocent crush uh when you're in a committed relationship with someone else so more my biggest advice is stop calling what

you're doing innocent it's not it's wrong she it. That's why she wrote in. So before it gets worse, before you do something you really regret, set some boundaries for yourself and then focus on your relationship with your husband. Maybe she gets to a point where maybe she's his husband, expresses all her feelings and frustrations, and he gives her the old, I don't give a shit, tough luck. Well, at that point, maybe she'll have to reconsider her relationship with her husband, but focus on your current situation, deal with your shit, and then if you want out of a relationship, go explore those crushes, go running, have a ball, but don't compromise your character and your values and who you are as a person because you've had some temporary moments of feeling disconnected from your partner.

All right. Well, we got some great calls lined up for you and a great week as well. Don't forget to send those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, mediation, you know the drill. Don't forget, we love those mediations. So if you and your partner are struggling, fighting over a common theme, you know, and you're looking for a third party voice to find out some compromise, this isn't like a people's court. We're not picking a winner or loser. We're trying to find a, we're trying to bring people together, you know? So let us know if you have one of those stories, write us in. We have a great week lined up for you. Tomorrow we got reality recap. It's going to be a lot

of fun. We're going to talk about all your favorite reality TV shows, pop culture topics, and more. And on Thursday, we're back on Thursday, the one and only legendary duo Ally and AJ are with us. Super excited to have the both of them.

You're not going to want to miss that episode, so tune in for that. Until then, let's get to our callers. How's it going? Good. How are you doing? Good. What's your name?

I'm Julie. I'm 33. How can we help, Julie? My male gay best friend is in love with me. Okay. Like how? Like in love with you how? So over the past couple of years, he has confessed to our friends um that he sees us ending up together that we would have this amazing life and he like has described these sort of grandiose in my opinion delusions of uh how perfect we are together and he doesn't know that i know

but of course my friends have told me what he has said so he's never confessed this to you no i would have no idea if they hadn't told me gotcha so i've just been pretending that i don't know um because for the most part it's it's because for the most part, I can't tell. It doesn't really make a difference to me. And the first time that my friend told me about this was like two years ago. And he confessed to her that he thinks that we're perfect for each other.

And I was just like, wow, that sounds like he's having a midlife crisis or too drunk or something. You know, so I was like, whatever, that'll work itself out. Was he drinking when he confessed this? I think there is alcohol involved when he confesses to my friend. Gotcha. And how is he with you? Like you said,

totally normal, totally normal. So you truly would have no indicate in his, is your friend gay, bisexual? Like, does, do you have any idea if he's had experience with women?

Does he? Yes. He, well, he grew up in a small town in Oklahoma and has a lot of trauma with being gay. He's experienced hate crimes. And I know that he has tried to date a woman in the past and then he was with a man for 12 years or something.

And he hasn't dated much at all since then. And he has told me, I think maybe a year ago or so that he thinks he might be bi now. And I'm like, okay, cool. That's your journey um but it's it's my opinion that he doesn't want to be gay and that he's trying that he's just like comfortable with me and has turned it into this like enamored idea of what things could be sure so it's almost like from your end, it seems like he's experienced some challenging times, um, from his upbringing,

his family, his community. You're assuming that he might think it just might be easier if he was in a relationship with a woman and would feel more accepted socially. Yeah. Uh, and by his family and, things like that but yeah i mean it's certainly possible i mean but i guess you know with you not knowing i don't know if there's anything for you to do you know you add in the variable that you think alcohol has been involved and he's made these confessions to your friends and around you. It'd be one thing if you're like, listen, he's never confessed it to me, but he's always like hinting at things or making kind of passive comments and saying things that don't make sense.

But he's never done that with you. So I'm not sure what you're supposed to do, you know, like, Hey, by the way, I heard when you were drunk that you think we'd be perfect together. And I'm just here to tell you, I think you're delusional. Yeah. I don't know. No. And I don't want to do that because he's such a sensitive soul. Yeah.

Where normally I can be a little confrontational, you know, with if I were to have a straight guy friend or coworker, I'm very firm with my boundaries and whatnot. Do you ever talk to him about his love life? and just like what made me write in was just a couple of weeks ago where I thought he had really moved on from this little crush idea but he again told a different friend and basically told her that he's waiting for me to kind of get tired of hinge dating and whatnot. And that one day I'm going to look up and realize what's right in front of me. And so he's like playing the long game is like his master plan. And this just makes me uncomfortable just because we all know that he kind of has this underlying motive. I hear you but

like I guess I mean I don't know what I should if anything because the last two years I have chosen to do nothing it's just like my friendships are so authentic and I feel like this

has a lot of murky, murkiness. No, it does. And I can appreciate what it might feel like to feel like you have, you know, things unsettled or unsaid between someone you consider to be a dear friend and it sounds like your friendships like you said you appreciate kind of this open communication and authenticity and you know you can tell me things i can tell you things even if those things are difficult and challenging but this is really testing that you know um obviously but it i don't think he's really gonna you're not like at risk of anything other than a little discomfort. Right.

And he can sit around and wait all he wants. You know, it's not to me when you're saying that I just, I feel sorry for him. You know, I feel bad. You know, it's clearly,

this is someone who's struggled with his personal life. It's carried into his adult life. You know, he's having a hard time making meaningful connections probably still dealing with a lot of the trauma he's experienced from his childhood do you know if he's in therapy dealing with stuff like this or is he kind of white knuckling it not in there yeah so he's just like sounds like maybe he's just drinking his sorrows away that's that's a that's a bummer um yeah that all being said eventually you're going to meet someone and he's going to realize that his delusion is just that

you know because right now you're you know you're out there you're dating and like i'm sure everyone else you know dating is challenging and hard and you've had more failures than successes because that's literally what dating is you everyone has more dating failures and successes and you know over time it can feel like frustrating and you vent to your friends here he is like listening in and being like, yeah, she's just gonna, I'm a good guy. Fuck it. Like, I don't know. I mean, I've not like, I can't, I can't compare anything like this, but I think we've all had moments in our lives where we weren't, we weren't particularly happy with our current situation, whatever that situation was. And then when we do that, we,

it's very easy for us to convince ourselves of solutions that I think would make us, we think would make us happy. And I think we can be very convincing to ourselves when we're unhappy with our current situations. And so we can come up with very creative ways for us to like, get ourselves out of these ruts. And some of those creative ways to other people, I think can sound like delusion just because we're so convinced. I just think he's just going to have to get out of this rut. But I just don't know if there's something you could do. I mean, the,

the only alternative is you can sit down and, you know, if you want to, if you appreciate this authenticity in your friendships, I guess that you could say to them, it's just like, hey, can we talk? And I just want to address something. And, you know, this has happened a couple of times I heard from so-and-so, I mean, maybe get your friend's permission to like, kind of, hey, I need to talk to Jeff about this or whoever, whatever his name is. Jeff about this or whoever, whatever his name is. Um, but, and to say, Hey, listen, like, I don't, I don't know where this is coming from, but I just want to talk to you about it. You could do that, you know, but yeah, I don't, I don't know how you feel like that's going to go. Um, it sounds like it would make the, make it all even more awkward and i also don't want to like cause any division within the friend group my i theory you know is that crushes don't last

forever you know i've had a thousand of them and i no longer care for any of them but so like i feel like if he just knows that it is never going to happen that it will help him like move on do you really think this is a crush that he has to move on from or is it more of a like i kind of was just describing, he's in a tough spot personally inside. And this is him thinking of like the best, I don't know what it's like to be in his shoes, but it can make sense to me that this person who has given up on love for himself, has given up on dating, feels very confused inside,

maybe not confused about his sexuality, but just confused about what, you know, about how the world sees him and accepts him, has decided that like, you know what? A life with her, I get along with her.

She's fun. I think she's a beautiful person. Like, fuck, you know, I've gone this long without having a sexual relationship or a physical intimacy. You know, he's a physical intimacy you know he's i guarantee you he's not thinking about your needs in this um in this fantasy of his you know what i'm saying

yeah he's thinking oh we get along it'll be fun i'll be good to her i'll be kind to her i'll do all this he's not thinking about like your emotional and sexual needs and things like this you know he's clearly in a bad spot right now and when we're in a bad spot we tend to be very selfish you know because we we it's like fight or flight and we're we feel like we're in the survival mode and he is trying to survive almost quite literally and and so he's really only thinking about his his needs um i just i wonder if maybe an approach of just... I would maybe be more encouraging to him about his love life. Ask him more questions about his love life.

And see where that goes. We've tried to make him online profiles and get him on the app to do anything. And he just refuses to him it's not worth the trauma and the trauma okay how do you feel when you hang out with him like do you feel like since you have learned that he has this crush on you or this fantasy of ending up with you that you're holding back in a way do you feel awkward or uncomfortable when you're with your friend group because then that's

something that we need to address as well well like we used to hang out one-on-one we would go kayaking together and I never felt anything weird like he would at least like kind of compare like oh is that guy you're dating does he take you any cool places like like this like kayaking or whatever and so he compares himself a little bit to like whoever I'm dating um but like that I say the picture because it was the day after he had again confessed to one of my friends that we went to the botanical garden and to take a picture together and um normally with a friend I would like give him a hug for a picture or whatever but I'm just like standing there so stiff and awkward like not wanting to even you know give him a side hug or whatever just because i feel like it's

gonna fuel yeah his because it's so oftentimes i feel like as women we get the remark of oh well you let him on and you you were a tease and how is he not supposed to fantasize about ending up with you and you would treat him like this but is that what this is no you know because this is not a straight guy who's but if he's bisexual he said he he said he might be bisexual yeah i mean i i have but i i'm getting the impression do you i mean i guess it's not for us to believe or not believe but this is it is that do you think him saying he's bisexual has more to do with you in this fantasy of ending up with you or I don't think it's

me in particular I think it's just that he probably doesn't want to be gay and does have maybe some attraction to women um it's hard to speculate on this just because it's like what like you know it of course it's like nobody ever wants to like on someone's sexuality. And then also, you know, when you like aren't like don't know a person directly. So not not to kind of bring too many other perspectives into the mix. But like when you're friends, because you were saying it's like a friend group where it's like these two other girls and then this guy and you And he's told both of them that he has feelings for you.

Like, what have they said about it? Like, have they kind of had like a perspective on it or like have they had kind of assumptions as being kind of the ones in the room who heard the news firsthand and like the way he might have articulated it? it? They just said that they're kind of like shocked by how enamored he is with me. Because he doesn't talk about it all the time. But then he'll just like sort of erupt and like, gush to them about how much he admires me and wants to be with me and yada yada. And I did tell one of my friends that I wonder if he just like doesn't want to be gay so badly that he sort of invented this I this fantasy and she said that that's very much a possibility yeah I mean based on what you're saying I could see that to be possible I mean there's plenty of you think I should just do nothing no not

necessarily i it just i'm not seeing an answer that um isn't going to create some waves what one option is you can kind of do nothing and ride it out and that's solely going to be based off of your comfort level i just as a as an overall like you're describing someone who seems pretty troubled internally, you know? Yeah. And I think it's important not to abandon our friends when they're troubled. But at the same time, you know, like you guys as a friend group are going to have to decide like what is our responsibility and roles as friends? Do we just like let our friend kind of lead this kind of self-destructive lifestyle that's kind of given up on himself when it comes to love and things like that?

You know, he's not investing in any type of mental health or things like, you know, he's drinking and, you know, he's, he's kind of saying some things that are confusing to the rest of the group. You know, I don't, I don't know if this is required some sort of intervention,

but your friend is not, he is, it sounds like he's on a path of just not leading himself to happiness, you know, and he's going to have to make some significant changes in his life if he wants to be happy. It's not your job it's not your responsibility but i guess as friends you can all kind of collectively ask yourselves like what should we do about this i don't think this is like a you problem because he has a crush on you you know what i'm saying like he hasn't even told you he's told other people you know so if this friend group is so close and,

and cares about each other, like I just, I wonder if that's a conversation of the friend group to less about like the crush and more about just him, you know, how can you guys support him? Sounds like you've certainly tried, but you know,

it's, you know, he is struggling. So at some point there might need to be some like just gentle and empathetic, but direct truths that you might need to communicate with him. You can't just keep looking the other way while he's leaving the self-destructive lifestyle. You know, you guys aren't at risk. It doesn't sound like he's the only one at risk. So it's, I think sometimes as friends, we struggle with like, is it my responsibility? Should I say something? Should I not? Especially knowing that if you do say something, you're going to be made

to be the bad guy, but most likely by the friend, at least at first, you know, that's always a tough spot when you're like, your friend is acting a certain way. Not saying anything is definitely an option. I hear you that. And honestly, that's going to be the easiest option probably for you because he hasn't yet to address it. You can just do your thing. Keep dating. I would, if you don't address it with him directly, I would keep, I would never complain to him about your dating life. I would only, you know what I'm saying? I would never complain. He is not the friend you go to, to gripe about a bad date or gripe about a guy's, if you meet a guy, you know what I'm saying? That's, that's not him, you know, especially not any longer. I would ask your friends to be very careful about how they speak to him about

your dating life, right? Always, you're, it's always positive. You're, you know, right now you're single and thriving. That's the energy he needs to, you know what I'm saying? So like, if you don't talk to him directly, you need to give off this impression that your singleness is a choice and you're happy and you're thriving and dating is fun and it's a venture. And if nothing else, be the role model to him about what, what dating can be like. You know, we all know it's a struggle. We all know it's difficult. But at the end of the day, the better attitude you bring a challenging situation, the better it's going to be for you. It just is. And that would be just a small thing you can do so that this

kind of delusion about ending up with you, because right now he's just banking on the fact that dating is a challenge. There's a lot of of shitty guys out there and eventually you're just going to be like fuck this i got this like friend who's like you know what a per it could give me a pretty good life and you know he he probably believes that because deep down sounds like he's a good guy who's just got some internal you know demons so you gotta not you gotta make it very clear to your friends and to him that your dating life is nothing but a positive thing you know and then when you meet a guy you know uh talk positively talk with excitement you know maybe that will help him realize that you're you're not looking to end up with him that would be a more passive indirect approach to like you know letting him know that a life with you is not something he should bank on,

you know, and then addressing it. I don't know if this is something that's your responsibility. I feel like you should go to the group and say, what should we do about this? You know, our friend's struggling here. We want him to find love. You know, we want him, you know, he needs help. He's drinking, he's abusing alcohol a little bit he's clearly struggling he's not doing any type of therapy like you know he's talking about marrying me you know like it's i don't think it's your responsibility because he's targeted you as the crush you know okay and i hope that your friends would agree that it's not your responsibility to address this with him. If you're talking about, hey, I don't want him to ruin the group. I feel like this is a friend group situation, you know, and you just got to have to bring love and empathy with him, you know.

I know it's not the most direct answer, but it's like the way you're describing I think yeah it's either just ignore it and kind of hopefully it plays out or at some point the friend group is going to have to have I guess some sort of intervention about hey man like we love you but we're just seeing you with these unhealthy patterns and and even if they do that I don't know if you need it like his

crush on you really is a is a side effect of all the things that he's that's going on inside of him you know okay yeah right that makes sense yeah it's not like the big problem is is he's got this crush on you that that's the confusing outcome of all the other things that you said about his childhood and his trauma and his drinking and his his him just kind of giving up on dating because you just fuck it I don't want to feel rejected and he's got to

find himself have you guys ever like taken him to a gay bar yeah we have he just like is so uncomfortable no matter what if we're at a regular bar or gay bar and he sees me flirting with guys or guys giving me attention

he will then go and kind of sulk in the corner and get irritated and want to go home after that do you respond at all no good no good i just kind of ignore it i don't okay good what is uh what is like how do i ask this question like what does he look like is he good looking is he struggling with his like so I'm just wondering is this like is he you know like could he be infesting himself I'm not attracted to him okay at all um he's also like 15 years older than me um oh he's in his mid-40s this is so similar to what I'm going through. It's insane. Yeah, but he's not gay. I know, but it's just like it keeps getting better.

Julie, we'll get through this together. Okay. Yeah, I mean, the fact that he's in his mid-40s and he's still kind of... kind of has given up on himself in a way. I mean, every other aspect of his life but he's very successful okay but it's just his love life where he just refuses to engage so maybe just me encouraging him to date more i've done it in the past and he just blocks the idea so hard that I didn't push it. At some point, some tough love needs to happen from the group. It's just like,

you almost have to be like, Hey man, like you gotta, you gotta get out there or not, but you can't complain to us about your love life if you're not going to be proactive. And if he wants to be like, Oh, it's like we, we all, and then you could say like, we've all struggled with our love life and you know, then, you know, and if he brings to be like, oh, it's, you know, like we, we all, and then you could say like, we've all struggled with our love life and, you know, then, you know, and if he brings up, well, you don't know what it's like to be me and, you know world's not fair and they've had to deal with X, Y, or Z, don't try to compare or tell them about your struggle. But that is an opportunity, especially if they're not investing in their mental health health to say, well, there are things you can do about it. But complaining to me isn't going to help. Like, what are you going to do? He doesn't really complain about it.

He just rejects the whole idea of dating. I think maybe then you guys have to just, I almost feel like maybe you guys just have to stop catering to him in that sense. Like, I think your friends need to stop asking him about his love life then. And then when he talks about that, you can sit and you say, well,

because you, you didn't want you, you rejected all our ideas, you know? And it's just like, what did you want us to do? And I do like, also, by the way, what are your friends saying to do and i do like also by the way what are your friends saying to him when he's saying this stuff i don't know yeah you should ask i know they

don't play into it i think they just kind of sit there and listen like what the fuck i think maybe someone needs to say something that that was my idea like if I were in this friend group, I would be like, bro, stop it. Yeah. Yeah. Same. That's what I would do if he was saying this to me about one of our other friends. I'd just be like, get that out of your head. Like that makes no sense.

It's not going to happen. I think you need to have a conversation with your friends about this and say, listen, like this is making me, this is making me feel uncomfortable. If this happens again, can you make it clear to him that that's not an option? And also, they need to say, listen, stop telling us this. If you want to tell anyone, he should tell you. They should make him tell you. I mean, I know that's going to be kind of uncomfy, but at least that will clear the air and you're not awkwardly like addressing to him and he's just like what are you talking about and playing dumb you know but before they say hey go you know

talk to to julie they should make it clear to him that that's not an option and not only is it not an option but you're kind of it kind of makes us all uncomfortable. If you want to date women, Julie's not an option. She's your friend. And don't violate this friendship by making kind of uncomfortable remarks and acting differently when she's out there flirting and dating. You're her friend. Because now he's not acting like a friend. He's acting like this weird kind of guy. So the friend group needs to help you hold them accountable. Because if he's part of this friend group, he's, he's, he's affecting the

dynamic. He's making other people uncomfortable and he might be a sensitive soul, but like, you don't get to like manipulate a bunch of people by being this whole like oh i might cry you know i might get my feelings hurt you know like that's this manipulation at some point you know yeah so all right i will have a chat with the girls yeah chat with the girls i'm sorry we're not more helpful. This is definitely one of those stickier situations. Just with his. Yeah. Because I feel like therapy. I really.

It clearly needs to get therapy. Like therapy I think is the answer here. I don't think you can do anything. I don't think. I mean, I don't think you can do anything wrong here. I don't think there's any wrong answer to how you want to deal with it. And I guess that's my biggest takeaway is it's an uncomfortable situation. You want to handle it with grace and empathy. You don't want to hurt his feelings. You don't want to fuck up the friend group. I get all that. But at the end of the day,

some friend groups evolve, they change, they don't last a lifetime. I hope this one does. But at the end of the day, you just have to address the situation however you think is the most comfortable and that makes you feel the most safe and emotionally okay even at the risk of upsetting the friend group because if your friend group in any way gets upset with you for how you handle this short of you being unnecessarily mean to the guy which you're not going to do, then they're not being good friends to you, you know? And, you know, again, depending on what you think about friendships, a lot of friendships are solely based off of convenience and fun people to hang out with. But some friends, as we get older, friendships are more based off of being there for you in difficult times, the ability to have tough conversations to address a challenge, you know? And that's really what I've found in these two

girls. And so I just really love our friendship and just the authenticity and the transparency between the three girls. So talk to them and just say, hey, I need your help. I need your help, girls. Like, this is making me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to keep stressing on this. How do we handle this? Ask for their advice. What do you think?

But it should be like the three of you, if it sounds like there's two other women, you could come together. And this is not a you problem. This is a group problem. Okay. And go from there. Thank you. All right keep us posted uh trying to know where this where this goes me too okay thanks for your time uh our pleasure if he ever wants to come on with you you know

if it ever gets if we will love to talk to them thank you all right take care take care guys bye-bye have a good one this episode is brought to you by better help therapy is super important for your mental health and if you have ever thought about therapy you got to look at better help because they are making it so much easier for people to get over that hurdle to jump into therapy because it can be intimidating it can be challenging finding the right therapist can be a daunting you know task or at least it feels like that. But with BetterHelp, they literally work with thousands of therapists. So matching with a therapist that fits your needs and your personality that you feel comfortable with is greatly increased

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at home and around the office. Go to gramley.com slash podcast to download for free today. That's G-R-A-M-M-A-R-L-Y.com slash podcast, gramley.com slash podcast. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Melissa and I'm 25.

How can we help Melissa? My boyfriend's business is ruining my relationship. Okay. Is he the owner of this business? Okay. He is. Okay. How old is the business?

Right now? Probably almost a year and a half. Okay. So yeah. Yeah. How long probably almost a year and a half. Okay. So, yeah. Yeah. How long has he been together? Two years. Okay.

How old is he? 25 as well. Okay. What's the business? Construction. Okay. Well, tell us about some of the challenges that you're facing. So, I just feel like with the business, so we both still live at home with our parents,

which is also adding to it. But I feel like I'll never be number one priority. That's kind of like the realization at this two-year mark that I'm coming to is like, I'm worried I'll never be number one. And it'll always be about the business. So that concerns me. He doesn't really like to talk about the future. I mean, I've seen from you before, I think it was one of your Sunday questions with

Nick or how can I help, whatever. And you said timelines are fair, exact dates are not. And I've told him, what is your timeline for future engagement kids? Where do you even stand with that? And I just get the answer of, I can't even think about that right now. There's so much other stuff going on. That's not even really on his radar. So that's concerning to me because I'm like, okay, we're two years in. What am I doing here?

Because I don't have a job where I like go home and think about it. Like I go to my job, I come home and like, that's it. End of the day. And he, I just feel like has a ton of goals, which is fine. Like I want him to succeed in all of that. And I want to support him, but I feel like I have not this, I don't want to say I have this resentment like towards his business because it's just taking up all his time. And I'm like, where do I fit in? Yeah. Well, that's going to be your biggest struggle right now because I can empathize with

him. Um, the immense stress of being your own boss and starting a business. And it's just like, it feels like every day, all you're doing is putting out fires, you know, you're just making decisions. Um,

so I can empathize with that. Your problem. I can empathize with you is that, and it's tough. You're in a tough situation because you're both young from my point of view 25 young um especially in 2023 people in 20 are at 25 our culture tells us you don't have to think about marriage anymore like you know kind of wait till you're 30 so you're sitting here being like okay well what am i you know i'm guessing'm guessing you wouldn't feel this way if he somehow made

it clear to you that everything he's doing is for the both of you. Right. And I've told him that. I said, it'd be different if we were having conversations. And the conversation was, you know, I'm doing this for us and I'm doing this for our future kids and our future life together. But the conversations aren't that tone. Yeah. Cause like I work really hard and I'm, you know, there have been times where I'm gone 13 hours a day often, you know, and like at time,

you know, I try, it's just a big prior for me to either check in with Natalie or include her or bring her along when I can, if it makes sense. And then if nothing else, it's always, this is for us. This is an us thing. And that goes a long fucking way. Right. Because I don't feel like I have the reassurance that you'd even see us together long term okay on the flip side you are only 25 um so there is that but yeah so i guess i'm thinking out loud here but it's it's not regardless of your age it's not fair to you to be in a two-year relationship with like with zero answers about what the future looks like right and i don't i'm not asking for an engagement tomorrow or anything like that like there's no pressure on that i just want to know where his head at and i feel like he's really unwilling to even like think about that

part of life because he's so business oriented right now. It's like a horse with blinders on, like it's just the business and like nothing else. And I think it also doesn't help that we, so we live an hour away from each other. We both live at our parents. Um, so I think it's hard when we only hang out on the weekends and then say like Sunday comes along and he's like, okay, like I got to go to the office and I got to do X, Y, and Z. And like during the week, you know, he's waking up early, which is fine. But then like, we don't talk until I want to say like 7, 8 PM. And then like, he's going to bed at like nine 9 30 because he gets up so early so there's no

and then why don't you guys live in the same neighborhood like why do you still live with your parents i'm not i don't know i'm not saying that judgmentally but like that is a choice you're making at 25 yeah we both i think neither of us want to rent because we just feel like at this point that'd be like throwing away money. He actually just recently bought a rental house through the business. And I think for me, I have a lot of resentment towards that because I'm like, you could have used that opportunity for us. You could have bought a different house that we could have afforded together and made it easier on that. And then you could have done your, you know, your business rental houses after that. So I feel like I just harbor

a lot of, like, I'm getting to the point where I'm like, not supposed to be like supportive anymore. Or I'm just like, why couldn't you have done that for us? Well, what are you getting out of this relationship? Like, why are you asking myself, but what are you getting out of this relationship like why are you when i ask myself but what were you getting out of it you know i guess when it started at some point you've been in this relationship for two years right that's a decent amount of time but like what has you know what was it in the beginning yeah so he was in school long distance for like probably the first nine months of dating so like that was fun and I got to go visit him and you know I kind of got to like play house in his you know apartment

at school and then I guess I thought when he came home like things would be different and we would end up like moving in together but then the conversations just switched um I think, I don't know. I mean, he is just, he's a great guy. I mean, I love that he's driven and I love like that side about him. And I think that I feel safe and I feel comfortable and I do feel loved by him. But a lot of the times I'm like, I just don't know if he's showing me in the ways that I need like forever. So I think that's also been something I've been struggling with. When you communicate this stuff to him, what, how does he respond? Does he always, is it always some version of, I don't have time for this right now?

It's, he's like, I don't really know what you want me to say. That's normally like, he just like, to me, it's like, yeah. There's a million things you could say. You could say comfort me. Yeah. You could say, babe, you're right.

I know. Like if nothing else, a bare minimum answer from him would be some version of you're right, babe. I know I, I need like, you have, it's valid for you to feel this way.

I'm just really busy. I'm having a hard time managing, you know, all the things that are going on with the business. But like, I do want to, this way. I'm just really busy. I'm having a hard time managing, you know, all the things that are going on with the business. But like, I do want to, I like, I love you.

And I, it's important for me to make you feel a certain way. And I want you to feel X, Y, and Z. And I'm sorry, I'm letting you down right now. And can you just be a little more patient with me?

Like that would be bare minimum. Right. And those would just be promises without like, without any follow through. But when he's okay with that, that would be bare minimum. Right. And those would just be promises without like, without any follow through. But when he's okay with that, that would be bare minimum. You're not getting bare minimum. And so you need to,

you need to address that with him. Yeah. He, you need, you know, you can say all this to him. Listen, I love you.

I want to support you. I want to be the supportive girlfriend, hopefully future fiance and wife. But like right now the only thing i have is a a weekend boyfriend who really constantly always makes me feel like he doesn't have time for me gives me no insight zero into like what a future looks like for us right now it sounds like he only wants to have a girlfriend for the occasional you know sex and convenience because he doesn't want to like get on the apps right which i think about i'm like if we even like to myself i think this i'm like if we even

broke up like he wouldn't even like i know he wouldn't make the time to date somebody else i mean there probably not. No way. No, you probably would. You know, and if it would, it would just be very casual.

It'd be very meaningless and it would just be something to do and a little bit of free time he has. But yes, he, right. You know, it's not that he's busy is the problem. You know,

it's not that he, it's just that he's giving you literally nothing to go on right that's not a relationship can't work that way it just can't no and like i've asked him before i'm like well like you know when we've had conversations and he's kind of like silent or awkward doesn't know what to say i'm like well do you even want like kids in to get married because i don't know some people who have you know a business and their career like that's all they want to focus on for their life and that's fine but like let me know that and he's like of course I want to get married and like of course I want kids and but it's like and I don't know why you don't like think about think about that it's not that I get

why he doesn't think about it he's 25 he's starting a business okay I get that it's not that I get why he doesn't think about it. He's 25. He's starting a business. Okay. I get that. It's not like on his lady. He doesn't need to sit down and talk to you about that. Like I get where he's coming from, but where I don't get where he's coming from is the fact that he's giving you nothing, you know,

that he's not saying, you know, because he could say, listen, of course I want kids, you know, of course I want you know because he could say listen of course i want kids you know of course i want to get married but we are babe we're only 25 and right now like i really i really want to like be successful and at 25 for someone who's very career driven this is the time for him to be selfish and to invest in his career. And so, you know, I get that. And if he wants to be in a relationship while all at the same time, selfishly focusing on his career, he still needs to like make some concessions and some choices. So again, at a bare minimum,

he could be like, you know, obviously I want to have kids. Um, I see a future with you. I'm not ready to get married anytime soon. I want to be upfront about that. But at the same time, I want you to feel like a priority. And I know at times I'm probably going to let you down, but I really want to, it is a priority for me to make you feel this way. And what can we do? He can't a hundred percent of the time just say he's too busy with you for you and give you absolutely nothing when it comes to talking about the future. If you were in my shoes and this was like a business decision in a way, because marriage in some ways is a business decision, you could argue. And while having kids with the right person is an important decision, maybe not a business one, but all his decisions feel important to him.

So you could be like, hey, you make a lot of important decisions when it comes to starting your business, right? And getting married and having kids are important decisions. So if you were me, and I know that I want to have kids, I'm 100% about it.

I know that I even want to get married. And I know I want a relationship that is mutual and we prioritize each other. I know 100% about it. I know that I even want to get married. And I know I want a relationship that is mutual and we prioritize each other. I know I want that. I'm certain about that. And if you were me knowing what I want, what would you do with the information you're providing to me as a business owner? What would you say? Would you invest in that person? Because you're asking me to invest in you by staying in this relationship and I'm getting nothing in return. You're telling me to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Yeah, exactly. I think that's the biggest thing is like, you're not... I don't know. Yeah. It's just like, I don't know anything about... I'm trying to plan mine,

which obviously I can't plan it right now either I mean, either, but like to have an idea and just like open up those conversations and there's just, there's just nothing. I honestly think the only way to save this honestly is probably to break up with them and see if it's a shock to a system. I think before you do that, maybe you got to write them a letter or sit down with them and really articulate how you feel. You have to stay super calm about it and just kind of like, hey, listen, man, I care about you. I love you. I want to see you happy. I know. I understand that right now at this point in your life that your business, your number one priority. I get all that but I you are asking me to stay in this relationship with absolutely no guarantees no information nothing and that's just not fair to me and if you can't give me

that I understand but if that's where you're at I can't be in this relationship and I just you know I can't you can't ask me to invest in you and get nothing in return. Yeah. And see what he says.

Yeah, that's where my head has kind of like been circling around. But I just wanted to. I think most young men in his position, he's going to have to think he lost you before he really thinks about how much you mean to him. He's taking you for granted right now. It's that simple. He's not trying to, he probably feels, you know, again, he's probably so overwhelmed with this. And quite honestly, maybe the answer is he's not in a position to be a boyfriend right now. As nice as he is and as nice as your relationship is, you know, there's a lot of positives. He has decided to be a business owner. I commend him for that. It takes a lot of work.

And he's dedicated to that. And at 25 years old, maybe he's just not in a position to be the partner you require. And you have to show him that you are capable of living without him and making a shrewd business decision in a way. You know, because he has to make shrewd business decisions for his business. He's going to respect that might scare the shit out of him. But he needs to believe that you're capable of being fine without him if he's not willing to step up and give it what you need because he is assuming you're just going to sit around um it's kind of a game of chicken right now yeah and he's just too bogged down with his other shit to really consider this or think about this right yeah it's not like he's machiavelli and looking in the mirror being like

i'm just taking her for granted. No, not at all. He's not doing that. I've even like brought it up and he's like, yeah, it's yeah, that's what he thinks. It's just like, we don't have problems. Like, you're just overthinking it all. And I'm like, well, that's not a problem to you. That's so dismissive. Yeah, it's so dismissive.

Right. And I'm like, you get to kind of like have your cake and eat it too, because you get to have this business that you love and that you're really into and then like you also get to have this like accommodating girlfriend who has been okay with it up until you know recently um who's been okay with just hanging out on the weekends and like talking just a little bit throughout the day and um and i'm just not really okay with that anymore so and it's not even that. It's more just the, like, for what? Why am I in this relationship getting minimal attention, minimal prioritization? For what? You don't give me anything. You might break up with me in six months. You don't even know. You're literally telling me that you don't know if you want to marry me. You don't know. And that's, I respect, I don't want you to lie to me,

but you are asking me to make a huge decision for myself with no information and you want me to invest how long? Two, three, four, five years into you and hope because you refuse, your answer to all my questions is, I don't know what to tell you. And you dismiss my feelings by telling we don't have problems i i'm not happy right so what are you going to do about it is he is he telling you you don't have the right to feel happy or sad or lonely or lonely or yeah so i think you i think you have to be very clear about how you feel you have to remain calm when you do it and just kind of be very matter of fact

don't argue with him about your feelings right you know this is how i feel i don't know what else you want me to say you know how i feel and don't, you know, if this is all you can share with me, is this, if this is all you're capable of giving me, if that's what I'm saying, it's like, instead of being like, I want you to do more. Why can't you do this? Just say, you know what? You're not capable of giving me what I need. Just tell them.

Based on everything you told me, you don't have time for me. You don't have time for us. You don't even have time to think about a future. Literally. You've told me you don't have time for me you don't have time for us you don't even have time to think about a future literally you've told me that right so i don't think you're capable of being in a relationship with me and that makes me so sad because i love you and all i want i want to be the supportive girlfriend who helps you you know with this business. I want to build something with you, but you, you just want to build something by yourself and, you know, and, and have me be in the maybe pile, you know, like I'm your girlfriend while simultaneously being made to feel like an, a possibility of the future, an option. I think write this letter,

write a letter, you know, whether you send it or not, but it helps you articulate your feelings and just be very matter of fact about what your feelings are, but you don't have to try to argue with him about those feelings. And then point out to him that you don't think he's in a position

to give you what you need because you've tried. And maybe as sad as it makes you, that you're just going to have to walk away you know and right and then when he does and then and then you kind of walk away and then you kind of disappear on him that if you break you know you can't do like a fake breakup you got to do a real breakup okay this isn't like a breakup you know to hope he comes around i mean i know right that's kind of what we're discussing but i think you really need to because the worst thing you could

do oh my god the worst thing you do is break up with him you know and he's a little sad or whatever and then he puts in truly a minimal effort and kind of says like fine i mean i want to marry you someday or something like that but he's like you, you know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe we just don't have time, but then you're bored and lonely. And then you drive there every other weekend, you have some sex and then your relationship turns into a situation ship. Oh my God. Right. And that, that could absolutely happen. And it's going to, and it's going to happen if it's going to, he's going to, he's going to welcome that possibility with open arms.

Oh yeah. Because it's his dream. Then all of a sudden, yeah, he can literally be like, he gets to just work during the day and have sex at night. He doesn't have to bother. He doesn't have to be bothered with your questions about a relationship or

whatever. So he's going to worry about anything else. So if you break up with him, you got to break up with him. And, and the point about breaking up with someone is removing access. You know, so many people in relationships, when they break up, they still give that person access to them.

Right. It's like, okay, thanks. Yeah, right. Now I don't have to... Like, what was the point of that? Yeah, now you don't have to tell me like, well, you're not being a good boyfriend. You're right. We're not dating.

Right. You know? Yeah. So, but my gut tells me you're going to have to do that and you're going to have to get on the apps and start dating, just start dating. And he's going to have to really believe that you're, he lost you and he's going to have to fight for you to have you back in his life. And you're going to have to really believe it. And as busy as he is, there is a way for him to make it work with you if you really wanted to. Right.

And he might just, the only excuse I will give him is that maybe he's just, you know, he is trying to accomplish a lot at a young age and it might just be too much for him, you know? Yeah. And it's not a fault. I'm not judging him, but he needs to recognize that he is falling short as a partner. He should want to be a better partner in the future because that's the biggest red flag too.

If he really doesn't see a problem with how he's acting, even when he gets less busy, you're not going to, you know, he thinks this is acceptable behavior for a partner and it's not. And it's not, yeah. So even if he was making you know little promises like the point is he thinks that making you a priority is a priority right so he's like yeah that's that's the bottom of the list so he needs a wake-up call okay you know, and maybe he won't come around, you know, but he might be a really good guy that you have a connection with and you had, you had a good

thing, but he still might not be your guy, you know? Okay. Yeah. Everything's on the table. Yeah. So. Okay. All right.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. No, no problem. Sorry. I wouldn't give you a more positive answer, but. No, that's okay. It also wouldn't, it wouldn't shock me that he has a reaction that you want, whether that's, whether that lasts, whether that's sustainable, you know, remains to be seen, but he doesn't,

he want to break up with you. He wants to have you in his life. You know, he just wants you having his life on his terms and you need to kind of redefine those terms and he needs to believe that you have the power and the strength and the conviction to hold them accountable. Okay. He's banking on the fact that you won't do that. Right. All right. Good luck. I'm going to do it. Keep us posted for sure. Okay, I will.

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Again, just download the Drizzly app or go to drizzly.com. How's it going? Hi, I'm Alana. I'm 23. And my situation, ship, and myself can't move on from each other. How long have you been dating? Well, whatever you want to call it. How long have you been hanging out with him it was my ex one so we're not we're not together anymore but

we were together for about three months so it's pretty short lived okay you were in a committed relationship you were boyfriend and girlfriend for three months no it was a situation we never got together fully okay and now what is it x situationship but i we still talk and hang out sometimes and have sex yeah yeah um why not that you were ever in a relationship but what happened at the end of three months that made it stop so we were I just graduated from college. So my last semester of college, I got introduced to him by my best friend who works with him. And basically, I wasn't really interested to begin with at first because he's not my

usual type, but his personality was really awesome. So I gave it a chance. And he's very like, adamant, persistent, he wanted to be together. So I gave him a chance and we ended up clicking really well. And it was like one of those things where I wanted to wait until graduation to make sure that we were compatible before doing distance because we live in different states. And he agreed, but he was more persistent to the fact that we would end up like working while he would make it work everything so i believed him and then come

graduation he got cold feet and didn't want to do distance so he ended it with me abruptly okay how did that make you feel uh shitty basically i just was really surprised because he was the one pushing for it and he had told me he was gonna try and then actually like 24 hours after he committed to trying he ended it with me so there was no in between where i felt like something was off yeah well it's like good news bad news the good news is is that you don't like him as much as you think you do i don't know i mean i do i mean think about it your gut your instinct told you that you know i'm on the fence about this guy i like his personality he's great we got some valid concerns about like our compatibility if for

no other reason then we're going to be long distance and i still know very little about him but he bagged you and he convinced you and he made a powerpoint presentation i'm kidding about that but you know what i'm saying like he was he did have a notes app there you go right so he had all these things and i'm if nothing else that must have felt very flattering here is this guy who's out there being like you're special this is why this is you're better than me you're the best i'm the worst but let me can let me show you why you should give me a chance just give me a chance i'll show you you're you queen you you wonderful person you're the epitome of life and you know you felt probably so pursued and it was probably great you know and that is

great it's great to be pursued that way and then overnight he's just like just kidding the blow to your ego must have been devastating yeah your ego is obsessed with this guy i don't know about your heart or you but your ego is just you he he tricked your ego you know and now your ego is left to be like wait what is what about the notes app we're special how could you i mean i don't know if i like you but you're supposed to be obsessed with me you know like if i move to like fucking an article you're supposed to fucking chase with me. You know, like if I moved to like fucking an article, you're supposed to fucking chase me. Like what the fuck? This is what your ego is constantly saying,

you know? And so now when he does reach out, when he pokes his head out of the ground, your ego is like, Oh my God, see, he's just going to come around. He's going to realize he's just,

he's going through something. He's got some brain frog right now. He's not, he's not thinking clearly. He's going through some sort of like, some brain frog right now. He's not thinking clearly. He's going through some sort of like, I just graduated crisis, but don't worry. You're amazing. You just got to give him time. You just got to give him time.

And that's what your ego is telling you over and over. And you just have to see the forest through the trees. You have to see that. You have to be honest with yourself and recognize that you are chasing this fix of validation from him. And again, I'm sure he's nice, but when you talk about what you're looking for in a relationship and how you want to be treated, you don't know much about him other than he's kind of a fun time and he makes you laugh. you know yeah it's like hard cuz every time so I'm only an hour away from where he lives he still lives in my college town mm-hmm so I'm down there consistently because my best friend also lives by there so it's been a thing where every time I go down there he confesses his love to me he lasts over those summers that I love you for the first time to me,

but then he'll say all these things. And then the next day he'll say, Hey, he doesn't remember saying all this stuff. So he's doing it when he's drinking, I'm assuming. Sometimes have been, and then sometimes haven't been. So the last time that we hung out was a week ago and it was during my alumni weekend. And I had totally cut him off because I couldn't do the hookup thing with him anymore. What does totally cut him off mean? How many days was totally cut him off? About like two weeks before I saw him again. Okay.

And you're already long distance. So that's like not, that's not cutting him off at all. I know. I know it's not, I know. But I told him, I said I was done. I said I couldn't do the hookup thing anymore, like I couldn't keep it casual, because I thought maybe I could do that

and still hang out with him and see what happens. But I asked him, I said, do you have any feelings for me? And he said, no, I don't. So I said, okay, then I'm done. There's no point for this anymore. And then, basically, on alumni weekend, I was at the bar, we were both there all day and avoided him. And then eventually, at some point, we ended up talking. And he confessed everything to me being like, I being single i regret not being with you i thought i was gonna be happy i'm not like i still love you was one of the first things he said was i hate being

single it was a very toxic way we started talking so the first thing that he mentioned was like the way we brought up talking to each other is we both had made out with other people in front of each other and so he came up to me and was like what like that was crazy right and i was like yeah pretty bad so the first thing he was talking about was like yeah i just did that to make you jealous and i said the same thing because i also did that to make him jealous i mean all your decisions are very ego-based and you need to i say this love, you need to stop being so gullible. I know. That's what my friends say.

You need to kind of have that honesty with yourself that you're being kind of gullible when it comes to, you're so responsive to him. You know, you are waiting for him to say or do something. You are reacting to him. You're basing your, all your decisions around his attention, his validation. First of all, like this guy's a mess and I'm sure he's a swell guy, but like, I want someone who knows they want to be with me. I want someone who doesn't one day say they love me and the next day act almost cold and mean to me.

That's a turnoff. That's an ick. This is the conversation you need to be having with yourself. I'm not looking for that type of guy. I'm not looking for someone who's on the fence and will one day make a note and the next day... I don't want to date a coward. He's a coward. You need to stop being gullible and then when you communicate him with him at all which should be very brief in the future it's not like it's not the energy the energy you don't want to bring is i can't date you anymore i can't do this as if like you're a victim of his actions you need to say i'm like i'm over this like this is beneath me this is childish and i'm tired of being childish with you.

So like, just don't call me because you're, you're just wasting your time and my time. And, and you can't respond to him like the next day being like, Oh, you're right. You know,

like you need to, you need to like say no to him multiple times. And then when he's like, no, really, but like you have, I have no reason to him multiple times. And then when he's like, no, really, I have no reason to trust your decision. You don't trust yourself. You're on the fence. One day you think this, the next day you think that. How could anyone trust you? You don't even know what you want.

You can't trust yourself. This is the energy you need to bring to him. I should have been trying harder because that is i know it's like accurate because that's what everyone's been saying and i know it's also true because he does this every single time i see him yeah and now you've guys created this pattern you know he knows you're gonna always come around he knows he can get a reaction out of you he can even make out with a girl and get you to talk to him. Yeah, that was pretty bad. That did not feel good.

But you're addicted to the fix. You've heard me use that kind of sugar analogy in the past. It's like, you know, it doesn't feel good to pig out on a bunch of Sour Patch kids, but you know we do it sometimes. In the words of Miley Cyrus, everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.

But it's up to you. Do you want to have the hangover that comes with giving in to him and giving in to your ego? Or do you just want to grow up yourself and recognize that this is not the type of relationship I'm looking for? This is a, this is something to do. It keeps me occupied. It keeps, it keeps me invested. It's drama. And yeah, drama can be fun. And you are, you are investing your time in drama. And we've all done that. You'll do it again, you know, and certainly in our early twenties, we do it a lot, but it's really up to up to you you know how much drama do you want but yeah he is not going to magically

come around that's so true i'm probably gonna see him again not like one-on-one but i will be going back to that town like in a few weeks and more it's a small town so more likely than not I'll probably be running into him and this happens again I just don't really know how to handle it treat him like somebody you went to high school with that you kind of like would rather

like cross the street not because you dislike them but it's more because like I don't know what to fucking say to this guy that person like you kind of know each other but you're like I don't want to talk to you but you're friendly but if you were you would be nice if like you you know hey how's it going this very kind of

surface level act like you've already moved on hey how's it going hey what's up oh that's cool talk but don't talk don't talk about anything meaningful if he texts you don't respond if Talk, but don't talk. Don't talk about anything meaningful. If he texts you, don't respond. If he calls you, don't answer. Oh, okay. That's so hard, but I will. people choose to do it and some people don't. It's hard to get out of bed and go work out.

Some people choose to do it, some people don't, but you can do it. Don't tell yourself that it's so hard that you can't do it, that you don't have the willpower to say no to this guy. So you have to tell yourself, I absolutely can do this. I don't want to be sucked into the drama. I want to make healthier decisions for myself. I don't want to have temporary moments of feeling good only to be followed by sadness. I mean, it must be really shitty to hear the, I have no feelings for you whatsoever. Yeah. And then it's wild to hear that that's not accurate about a few weeks later. Who the fuck knows what's accurate? I don't know what's accurate.

Yeah, I don't know what's accurate yeah i don't either quite honestly it's probably the same thing you know he guys love a good chase you know women love a good to be chased and you guys are kind of falling into the stereotypes of you know what young men and women um you know kind of get fixes off of so do you think that he like straight up to probably just doesn't have feelings for me but just has like the ego boost i've no i don't really i'm sure he thinks you're swell and whatever and and pretty and nice and but right now right now he's as selfish you know as many people your age are, more than ever. He's thinking, I just graduated from school.

Do I really want to be in a long-distance relationship? I got to think about my career. And these are all valid feelings that he has. But the world has told him that it's okay to but you know, we also want to have companionship in a relationship and he's, he doesn't have the conviction to, I guess, do the right thing and say, Hey, right now, this time in my life is about me and I'm going to be selfish and I'm going to focus on these things I need. And it's not fair for me to, to you know fuck with other people's feelings because I'm feeling lonely at times but you know most 23 year olds unfortunately just don't have that type of

you know conviction or character so if he calls I shouldn't answer no no more conversations about whatever this is about the two of you you need to make a decision for yourself about what you want and what makes you happy, and you need to follow through with it. Yeah, I know that's true. And you can do it. You're not this helpless, weak person. I know. I think it was the first time in a long time that someone has actually liked me

and been really invested in me. That's nice. That I kind of fell in love with. So it's hard to let go of my guess. But what got you there? What got you there? I just felt really comfortable. And I felt like myself with him.

But that's not what got you there. What got you there is demonstrating confidence and power and initially giving him the impression that you weren't sure if he was worth your time. In the future, just keep focusing on your self-confidence and knowing what you're worth. Keep investing in yourself. Keep making yourself the best possible partner for whoever your future partner is whenever you meet. And that's taking care of yourself, taking care of your mental health, your physical health, your emotional health. Be happy with your choices about what you're doing and the men will come.

Because people like confident, self-assured people. People like people who they wonder if they have time for them. So if you preoccupy yourself with things that you're doing for yourself and for your friends and for your family and for your community, and you come across as a really busy, successful person, and then you go out there and dabble, but the energy is more like, I don't know if I even have time for you. Trust me, the guys will bang the door down. Guys inherently like a good chase. So the waving of the hand that says essentially pick me is just generally it's like, oh, well, there's no chase there. So you don't need him to feel special.

You just need to believe in yourself a little bit more. You have a lot of things going for you. There is zero chance guys aren't going to be into you. I don't know about every guy, but there'll be plenty of guys, most of which you won't like. But every once in a while, one of them will reveal themselves to be a pretty good option. And when that happens, you still have to stay the course of being the busy person that, and again, invest in things that you're passionate about. You're 23. You should be selfish right now. Investing yourself. Your right now shouldn't be about men and boys. That'll happen. Be open to meeting men, be open to meeting guys,

get out there, but it shouldn't be your main priority. And that's one of probably my biggest regret when I was your age is that I've, I've, I made finding someone my top priority and I would, I should have just kind of put it somewhere in the top five and I should have focused more on myself and not like in a self-centered way, but just that I found myself comfortable with myself. And when I started doing that, everything changed for me. When I stopped thinking, well, until I find someone, then I'm incomplete.

When I just accepted, you know what? Maybe I'll find someone someday. You know, right now I just accepted, you know what, maybe I'll find someone someday. Right now, I'm just going to be a great third wheel or a great fifth wheel with my friends. Honestly, that was a huge moment in my life. Right after I broke up with my third girlfriend, I was 30 years old, 31. And up to that point, anytime I'd broken up with a girlfriend, I was just a fucking loser, I guess. I was full of self-pity, really, really just pathetic. And then when I broke up with that one girlfriend, and I was 31 years old, I was kind of like, you know what? I'm sad. I really liked her. I really thought we were going to end up together. I was sad, but I'm going to find

someone someday. I know I am. I just don't know when. And then I just started, I'm gonna find someone someday I know I am I just don't know when and then I just started I started volunteering I started focusing more on my career I got a better job I mean so much opened up for me because I just stopped obsessing over finding someone you know yeah it is yeah I mean the reason I even like I feel like the last time when I was single with before him, like I got to that point where I was like, Oh, I love being single. Like, this is fun. And then he came around. So it was probably the most confident I've been. So yeah. So you just kind of fucked with your ego. So you just got to get out of it. I know. No, it's just hard. Like it's not that hard. It's not that hard.

Well, like, I feel like dating right now, even like, just like at my age, no, it's just hard. Like it's not that hard. It's not that hard. Well, like I feel like dating right now, even like just like at my age, like it's just hard to find guys that even like would commit to going on a date because they just want to hook up and that's it. I get it. There is a lot of guys out there, but not all of them. And again, just don't be like all the other girls who are saying yes to the hookups. Stand out by investing in yourself say no to these guys guys love a no and the one's worth your time at least you know

yeah i'm just over it i'm over hookups they build nothing to me well you did them you had some fun you know and i'm sure one day you'll have one in the future, but I'm glad you've come to this realization and you're still incredibly young in the best possible way. on investing in the people around you, your friends, be the best fucking friend to your girls, you know, be the best brother or sister or daughter, you know, to your family members. And I promise you, I promise you it'll attract people, you know, you're going to, but you're going to have to show some discipline here or there. You're going to have to not give into the drama and the fix that your ego so desperately wants because your ego will. It's almost as you got to listen to your body. You got to listen to like, why take a pause when you're in a vulnerable situation, when you're at the bar and before you go make out with someone,

ask yourself, just be like, go to the bathroom and look like, why am I doing this? Have a conversation with yourself. How am I going to feel about this tomorrow? I think if you start doing that, it'll be a snowball effect. It'll, that'll, those, that will be your fix. The fix of choosing yourself, the fix of, you know, making the long-term happy decision, you know, not the fix of instant gratification, but the, you know, the fix of knowing that like in three days, I'm going to feel real good about this. It's the same thing where you get on a healthy diet or you get back in the gym.

Fucking brutal. The first couple of times. Then all of a sudden it's like, well, I can't not work out today because I keep that momentum going. So you just got to get some momentum when it comes to prioritizing yourself. I did have one question for you. I did have one question for you. So my aunt sent me up with this guy a while back, like it's like two months ago,

probably. And we hung out a few times and then it kind of fizzled out. But I recently saw him when I was out in the city and he told me like what bar he was going to. And he like said, hi, no one ever, but I didn't end up going to the same bar as him because i was scared to um but i'm thinking of maybe asking him if he wanted to

like hang out soon but i don't know if he'd be interested or not and i don't know if i should i think well you know it's like part of me is just like, fuck it, just shoot your shot, who gives a shit? But I want you, I don't want you to ask him out, have some sort of ego relapse because he rejects you or, you know, he's like, I don't know, he kind of fuck boys it and kind of says maybe in the future and he's like, oh yeah, cool, someday, you know, and then he doesn't reach out and you feel a little like, ugh, and then you need that validation fix and then this motherfucker reaches out, you know you feel a little like and then you need that validation fix and then this motherfucker reaches out you know what i'm saying like so okay so let it fizzle i think you need to get out of this situationship first okay and you need to do it on your own

and it can't be through another guy who who just you trade one validation fix for another that's yeah that's probably my biggest downfall i don't need him to make me feel happy and you need to and and then you know shoot your shot okay so you're just again it's it's about you're listening to yourself and you prioritizing future self. Because truth is, yeah, I don't know, reach out to this guy. And I don't know what he's going to say. And if he doesn't say yes, it has nothing to say about you. You have to be good at checking your ego.

And that's something you learn over time. And you're on your way. You're not, you're self-aware. You realize what you're doing're you're not you're self-aware you realize what you're doing you're addressing it you know you calling in as a positive sign of like hey i know this is something that's not serving me well how do i get out of it you know so that's a good thing so you're on your way you just have to get good at you know prioritizing future you that's that's the big takeaway will this make me happy in three or four days?

And those are the choices you need to start making. Because right now, you're not thinking about that at all. And you're only doing what's making you happy in the exact moment you're in, with no consideration for tomorrow. Okay. Yeah. I would say that's probably true.

Okay. All right. So, yeah, as far as reaching on this other guy whatever you want just it's not to get over him yeah you know yeah yeah i mean i did like i liked hanging out with him a lot um but he's just hard to reach he's a guy that doesn't use his phone ever like at all so it's like really hard to communicate with him's a guy that doesn't use his phone ever like at all. So it's like really hard to communicate with him. So if I do text him, it's like a response like two days later. Okay.

Well, you just have to prepare yourself for that. Like whatever, however he responds, you have to be able to handle it, internalize it and not use it as an excuse to be weak. Okay. I'll probably hold off on texting i feel like

i need to figure things out okay that's a great decision yeah he needs to chase me so we'll see if that happens all right but big takeaway you don't need these guys to feel special or happy uh you have plenty of time to find love and the more that you invest in yourself the more you will increase your chances and i'm not saying be self-centered or have like a main character and be a drama but just investing yourself and investing your community and your friends and be busy and be unavailable okay i will do will do that. I will. All right. Mm-hmm.

All right. Good luck. Keep us posted. I will. Thank you. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for another episode of Reality Recap.

And on Thursday's episode of Going Deeper, the legendary duo of Allie and AJ are with us. We'll see you then. Bye.