The Viall Files - E669 Ask Nick - I Need to Stop a Wedding in 2 Weeks

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we discuss whether or not Nick and Natalie would/should have a choreographed first dance at their wedding, and what their first song will be. We also read a submission from someone who is wondering if it’s bad to never fight in relationships. We then get to our callers.  Our first caller recently broke off her engagement, but now wants to make it work. She ended things because she wasn’t ready to get married yet, despite pushing for the engagement, but wants to know if her relationship is even worth saving. Our second caller’s mom can’t stop getting ghosted. She’s been divorced for about a year and wants to be in a committed relationship again, but every man she talks with online eventually ghosts her when she tries to make plans to meet in person. Our final caller needs to stop a wedding in two weeks. Her male friend is getting married soon, but he recently sent our caller inappropriate messages and she’s wondering whether she should tell his fiance and possibly stop the wedding.  “Rejection is just clarity that these men aren’t your guy.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Join us for our new LIVE show on Thursdays at 9PM ET/6PM PT on Amp, available in the Apple app store and https://www.onamp.com for Android listeners. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ZocDoc - Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Vuori - For our listeners they are offering 20% off your first purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at https://www.vuori.com/viall. Not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75 and free returns.  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 25% OFF all mattress orders AND A FREE SLEEP BUNDLE for our listeners in honor of Black Friday! The bundle includes 2 free pillows as well as a set of sheets and even a mattress protector! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/VIALL and use code HELIXPARTNER25. This is their best offer yet and it won’t last long! With Helix, better sleep starts now. Storyworth - With StoryWorth, I am giving those I love most a thoughtful, personal gift from the heart and preserving their memories and stories for years to come. Go to https://www.StoryWorth.com/viall and save $10 on your first purchase!  Sundays For Dogs - We worked out a special deal for our dog-loving listeners. Get 35% off your first order of Sundays. Go to https://www.SundaysForDogs.com/VIALL or use code VIALL at checkout. Upgrade your pup to Sundays and feel good about the food you feed your dog. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell @genevievegoodman

Well, I know many of you listening are probably waiting until you go home for the holidays to get that routine checkup that you've been putting off. But maybe it's time to start getting a physician in the area that you live. And you can do that with ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app where you can find amazing doctors and book appointments online. We're talking about booking appointments with thousands of top-rated doctors, patient review doctors, and specialists. You can filter specifically ones out that take your insurance, are located near you, and treat almost any condition under the sun. These doctors are all verified reviews from actual, real patients, not bots. The average wait time to see a doctor booked on ZocDoc is between just 24 and 48 hours. That's it.

Go to ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L. ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by the household of Allie, Amanda, and Justin in the studio at the controls. Ladies are remote today. How's everyone doing? I gotta say, my heart is so full. I am remote because I

got to go to my cousin's wedding in New York. And he actually this was a wedding like many years in the making because he was diagnosed with cancer. And so they had to postpone it while he was going through chemo. And it was just the most like triumphant occasion. Everybody was so excited to be there. Every single cousin showed up. It rock wonderful ally how are you how was your weekend did you go to the minnesota vikings game i did yeah and it was a good game did you like your outfit i know you beat the saints you did yeah i did i did like my outfit thank god and i got multiple compliments from people in the stadium people asked where i got it they said they'd never seen it before are you you guys like season ticket holders? No. But my mom's company built

the stadium. So they have a box in it because they built it. So basically anytime you guys want to go to a game. I don't know how frequently we could go if we wanted to, but I was just thankful that someone's husband or wife couldn't make it because I just slid on in. Nice.

Any big takeaways? I do have a reminder set on my phone for december let's find it december 11th that says see if joshua dobbs posted his girlfriend on instagram for her birthday if not dm him you are the most organized woman i've ever met she schedules her shots her shooting of the shots yes it's a timed gun and he's done it two years in a row and i need to know if he'll do it again because i'm not trying to like be a homewrecker i just want to know uh whoever josh dobbs's girlfriend is just watch out ellie allison martin is coming for your man something about saying allison has it's like i'm quaking and i don't know this woman uh how was your weekend justin it was good i kind of just relaxed i went to a wedding last weekend so so this is my recovery weekend. Lovely.

How did you recover? Literally just sat around. Love that. Cleaned my room. Did you watch any Housewives? I watched some Beverly Hills. I watched the first two episodes, but it's a little boring compared to last season so far. It has to warm up.

Yeah. You know? So we'll see. Okay. I was going to say, Justin, on the topic of, I don't know, the wedding you went to last weekend, what was the dance situation like? Did they choreograph their first dance? And in general, what is the household's thoughts on the choreographed first dance? there's not really dances. Like there's a thing called a money dance and basically like the bride and the groom are just standing there and then we put money on them and we dance with them. But there's not really like a,

like there is a first dance, but there's nothing choreographed. Okay. I, I find them to be generally obnoxious and, and no one's having fun. Like I, there was one that I went to like a year and half ago, and the bride choreographed it.

And I didn't think that anybody was having fun. It was stressful. They were trying to remember all the steps. It was intense. I didn't have fun watching it. It didn't seem like they were having fun doing it. Thank you. I just feel like generally, it just doesn't...

What's the point? Kind of to Allie's point, it's's like this isn't like dancing with the stars like no one usually shows up with a routine that some sort of like oh my god like wow like bust out your phones this is so good why can't we just do the whole like arms around each other and just rock back and forth like i don't is is the first dance an opportunity to like entertain and perform like i don't know i just i always find them to be like a trust fall explain explain okay so i and granted i'm coming off of an amazing first dance it was choreographed and it was so earnest and they clearly practiced enough and you you could see like at a few points, you could

kind of tell that they were like in their mind keeping track of the choreography, but they were still very present. At one point, he lifted her up and everyone was like the crowd went wild. And so in that sense, I feel like it was like it was a very there was just a level of vulnerability of like, we're going to try to do this. We're going to do our best. We are two adults who are not necessarily dancers like I'm my male cousin, Ben. I've like never seen him dance before. Like I, it was shocking to see him like go for it. And it was such an endearing new side to him. I guess I would have had to have been there. I'm going to, I'm going to take your word for it that they pulled it off. But yeah, I just feel like what a weird time to like, let us know

that you can dance. I feel like it's weird time to like let us know that you can dance I feel like it's supposed to be like you're in love you know maybe give us a spin like a dip if you want to practice that you know but I don't need a whole like routine am I gonna be kicked out of your wedding if I bring dancing with the stars paddles

for each of the dances that's kind of a must I mean I don't see a world when you're kicked out of our wedding but oh you're not for that you'll definitely get a like a nick vial special when it comes to like my looks of death which i'm sure you are all very familiar with of like kind of like a what the fuck you might get one of those okay i can live with that i know you you do for the sake of the show and only the show i think it would be amazing if one of us got kicked out of your wedding imagine this is impersonal i'll see you at work

on monday but you need to get the fuck outfully remove yourself before security removes you. It'll just be one of us like stumbling around the bars of Savannah. Like, well, I came for a wedding. You're all still there. Are you, do you, Natalie, like, do you have the first dance song picked out? I know you're not going to reveal it or anything, but like, at what stage of planning are we at with that for your wedding? There's been some discussions about a first dance. Now he has thrown out some ideas.

I like them. I threw out an idea. Well, actually, we have. So how can I? What? What was that idea? Clearly, everything I've done for this wedding has been so memorable. Nothing has been written down.

I wanted that one where he's like uh you know the one i'm talking about where it's like it's literally starts out and he says georgia and i was like how perfect that's a good song what is that called who sings that yeah i know exactly what you're talking about but um are we singing the same song all right i want to actually you remind it like we actually put some thought into it. And actually Nellie and I had a rich discussion about this particular topic. So I think the leading song is by an amazing vocalist. I'll just say that. Like it's a type of song where hard to replicate. You know, if you've ever watched American Idol or any of these singing competitions, there are some songs like, for example, like Whitney Houston. It's not Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey.

It's not Mariah Carey. But if you were to try to do one of those covers, people listen with a little bit more like, oh, you're going to, okay, let's see if you can pull this off because- Sold. Right. Even people with great voices have a hard time singing these two types of, of songs. Right? So Natalie also has a, we were having a lady perform at our wedding and she is incredible.

And this, this lady, it's not Alison, um, not Allie. It's Allie. Allie was pointing at herself. It is a woman that's friends with Natalie's sister who has,

she's a performer. She's, she's like a local legend, beautiful voice. She, she truly has a, God touched her, her,

her vocal cords in the best possible way. And Natalie's idea is to have this person sing our first dance to this artist. Let's say Mariah Carey. Again, it's not Mariah Carey, but I don't want to give it away. I said, babe, I don't know if that's smart. Now, I want this lady to perform and I'm open to have this song be our first dance. But I said, I feel like we should just play the song. have this song be our first dance but i said i feel like we should just play the song you know we're not having a band we're having a really great dj essentially play the music for our wedding and i said well here are the two scenarios right one either she sings but it's just like not as good as the original or she knocks it out of the park. And then all of a sudden our first dance isn't about us.

Everyone's going to be like, holy shit, look at her sing. What a beautiful rendition of this song. So I'm just like, I feel like if we want her to sing a song, it shouldn't be something where if she does pull it off, our minds will be blown. I think it's our first dance. Our focus should just be on us. And our friends, Matt and Patricia, got married a couple of weeks ago. They actually had a live band, but for their first song, they just played the song. I feel like if you have a song, you just should play that song.

The focus isn't about the song. It's about the couple dancing, right? Because that's your first dance. So we're kind of working through that discussion. And what do you guys all think about that? I will say the wedding I went to, they had a live singer, but she was like hidden. So like you could hear her, but you couldn't see her. So when they were walking out, you're kind of just forced to listen and look.

I would like to have this lady sing at our wedding, some type of song, and then maybe sing at the ceremony, but just not our first dance. And certainly not if we're going to pick this iconic artist song where the attention is going to be on the singer, not on us. I just don't think it's going to be on the singer. Again. It's your first dance. If this lady crushes it, it's like, imagine someone, again, a Mariah Carey song, a Whitney Houston song, a Celine Dion song, and someone comes out and fucking crushes it, you wouldn't be like, holy shit, that was fucking great. Yeah, but it's all encapsulated

in one moment together. So I'm wrong. I think you'll pull focus regardless of how good they sound. I mean, I hope they sound good. I mean, this woman is very talented. I don't know if she can sing this particular song,

but she is incredibly talented. I think she would be great as like maybe if there's like a father-daughter dance, mother-son dance, like what a however, like if there's like like if you guys are dancing with family members, it seems like she could be amazing for that because then you could still have your first dance song. That's your top choice. You don't have to worry about like a show stopping show, stealing vocal performance. And then you can still have like this very like

sentimental, beautiful moment of live music later. Do you think we should have her send us a demo of this song? Jesus Christ. No. Why? It's like, this is the song we want. Can you sing it? But what would you do if you decided not to go with her? Would you not feel a little bit bad? No, you're right.

You're absolutely right. Unfortunately, you're like, you did not get the golden ticket to Hollywood. I'm so sorry. You are not the next American Idol. Anyways, let us know in the comments. I'm curious. Maybe I'm wrong. I definitely could be wrong here.

Maybe I'm underselling the love that Natalie and I have for each other and the love that our guests will have for us. But maybe we should just let her crush it. and the love that our guests will have for us. But, you know, maybe we should just let her crush it. But, you know, like everything we're doing at our wedding, obviously, is going to be content, right? Like, so is it just safer just to press play and dance? Although if she does crush it, it'd be really something.

Yeah, like if that video goes really viral of this performance and then everyone gets to see and they're like who's that strapping young couple dancing maybe um yeah it's this wonderful older lady from a church choir who's full of soul and has a rich beautiful voice i love gospel music so much And it's something that has not necessarily been a part of my life as somebody who is not worshipped in a space where there has been gospel. I mean, they don't have gospel music at the synagogue. There's beautiful music, but I don't think you could call it gospel music. Gospel feels like it's like, well, now we know what Nick and Natalie are doing there for their first dance. It's just going to be Amanda and i being like hallelujah amen it's not gospel we're not

having gospel music but the singer is from has a a gospel uh background all right well anyways we won't be we we will not be doing a choreographed dance. Do we have a writer-inner? We do. Take it away. All right. A writer-inner says, I'm wondering if it's normal to never fight with your partner.

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over two years and living together for one. We have never had a significant argument or hardly even a miscommunication or disagreement. We are generally both agreeable people and rarely have any drama in our separate lives as well, though we are kindly confrontational when necessary. When I hear about people fighting with their partners, I genuinely don't understand how people find themselves

in a situation that could warrant a fight. And Nick's advice to fight fair with your partner has never resonated with me. Is this a flaw of my relationship or a signifier of a feature apathy towards the relationship? Great question. I guess it all depends on the individuals. My big question would be like, do either of you in the relationship ever feel like you're not understood or seen or heard? Often people who are agreeable or focus on, you know, they're people pleasers, for example, they just keep their mouth quiet. They don't share their opinion because they're more focused on, you know, keeping harmony rather than, you know, working through their conflict. So I would have to ask this person

a question. It's like, do you ever feel like you just bite your tongue for the sake of harmony rather than communicate any frustration you have with your partner? But maybe there's a world where this particular couple, they really are communicative. They don't let things fester. They're not passive aggressive. They never get in a bad mood, you know, and take it out on their partner, you know, because sometimes couples who are comfortable with each other often do that. I don't know what it was yesterday. Like Natalie asked me like a question and I kind of like answered her in a really like inappropriate, like I was just like clearly frustrated slightly. I was like, I don't want to do this. And she's like, why are you

talking to me that way? And I was like, I don't know. I'm so sorry. You know, because I was just clearly frustrated slightly. I was like, I don't want to do this. And she's like, why are you talking to me that way? And I was like, I don't know. I'm so sorry. Because I was just like person who you're in a relationship with is always the person to, for you to vent to, to talk things through. And if they're not in the same kind of headspace that you're at, there can be miscommunications and misunderstandings, but it leads to conflicts and fights. So if this particular couple never fucking fights, they're either one, super understanding, both empathetic, and both very communicative at the risk of willing to have some uncomfortable conversations. I guess I'd ask this person, have you even had an uncomfortable conversation with your partner? Because if not, I would just, what do you think if anything that you and your partner aren't talking about? Are you on the same page about life plans? What you want? What are your pet peeves and non-negotiables? They live together now. So, so to speak. You know, the whole like, what's your partner's, you know, bad habits? What do they look? You must know everything

about your partner and you can read their mind to avoid any type of miscommunication and things like that and overly communicative, you know, because think of all the things that we've talked about, about relationships that create stresses and conflicts, money, sex, chores, things like that. You mean they've discussed all of these and they're totally on the same page with everything? Some couples are because, again, they just over-communicate and they don't worry about the temporary awkwardness about a particular topic. So it's one of those two. I don't know. Something about this message kind of gives me the vibe of like, these are just two very mild mannered people. And I feel like it's pretty rare, but I've met

a few people in my life where I just like, I really understand how, like, it's just really hard for stuff to get under their skin and I think especially if you find somebody who's the same in that regard and you're both on the same page like I can see how it would happen without it being some glaring issue or like oh you guys are both checked out and don't even care enough to fight which just seems to be like what the writer inner is worried about when they say is this a signature of future apathy towards a relationship like i just feel like i know a few like every now and then i'll be in extraordinarily like i don't know like i want to say gentle soul but it's like i have friends who are very gentle and can still have their feelings hurt it's just like someone whose feelings like just don't get

hurt in a very external way that much yeah maybe i guess my only advice to this writer inner is don't cherish the fact that you guys never fight. And what I mean by that is like this isn't some sort of streak that you have. It's like, oh, my God, 365 days without ever fighting. Let's keep it going, because at some point. At some point, you two will not be on the same page. And at some point that it won't be so easy to just say your opinion and have the other person be like, yeah, no, totally agree. Just be prepared for that moment and be

prepared for a moment where you aren't on the same page and you have to work through it. And working through it requires some back and forth and having some disagreement and just be willing to still speak your mind at the risk of potentially frustrating or upsetting your partner. Don't get into a trap of being so agreeable that your needs are not being met. And don't trick yourself and lie to yourself that they are being met because you guys never fight. So just don't cherish this streak that you have so much that you forget to communicate. Because sometimes fighting is a form of communication. It can often get toxic and unproductive, but they often say a sign of a healthy marriage isn't a lack of fighting. And oftentimes, couples who don't fight is just two couples who aren't communicating effectively. So it's really hard for us to like know which one this couple is without having talked to them. But, you know, just be aware of the fact that any a lack of any fighting whatsoever might be a sign that both of you aren't totally speaking up and communicating how you feel because you want to avoid disagreements.

So just be mindful of that and go from there. Sometimes I feel like I have the opposite problem in the sense that I will forget that it's normal to have like friction with your partner. Like I was visiting one of my best friends from home, just moved in with her boyfriend, like super long-term. I think they've been dating for like seven or eight years and they're so happy together. And it was so great getting to like meet him and really hang out with him. I hadn't spent a ton of time with him before. And it's like, they're just a magnificent couple. And they still had a moment in the kitchen where he was like, I'm going to put this in the trash. He was like, don't use that trash use that one you know like like this brief kind of tense exchange and it was such a non-issue but i realized that if i when that happens to me i get where i'm like i get worried like i read into it a little bit and i'm like something's

wrong yeah that's i think that's pretty common and i think if you're one of those i feel like i would categorize nally and i like the area where we don't, we rarely fight. But when we do, it feels a bit, you know, nerve wracking, you know? It's like, oh my God, like what's, are we okay? You know, because, you know, it's, you want that stability. So I think it's just, you know, again, how do you guys, it's more about how you resolve things. And resolving a fight is a great way to strengthen a relationship, knowing that you can not be on the same page and find common ground. It feels good. It gives you a sense of security

about future problems. This particular couple, whoever they are, like, again, I don't know where they're at in their relationship and what their future plans are, what they want for their relationship. But at some point, adversity is going to present itself. And you just have to have the tools to be able to work through them. And I think that's the only thing to be mindful of. And maybe it's not her. Yeah. Like, I wonder if our writer-inner senses that their partner isn't fully speaking up when they want to. Because you know what I'm saying? Like maybe, because maybe they're so confused because they feel like everything they're saying that their needs are being met. They feel seen, they feel heard, but maybe their partner isn't. And maybe they sense that. I don't know. So just kind of check in with your partner.

Just be like, Hey, there's, you know, I know, like, I love that we don't fight, but do you ever feel like, are there things that you ever want to tell me that you don't to keep the peace? Or do you feel like you back down versus disagreements for the sake of keeping the peace because ultimately you really don't care? Because at some point, you have to care. At some point, to your point, Amanda, maybe they're just generally chill people, but at some point, they're going to reach a topic where they have a strong opinion about it. And what do they do at that point to work through that issue? Because like, yeah, everyone's been in a relationship where your partner's having a bad day and you're just like, okay, well, fuck you. You know, like, you know, we all can take it out on people when we don't realize it, you know, because we're frustrated or angry or sad. And we don't go to our partners, just, you know, I'm having the worst fucking day. I'm also hungry. You know, usually what happens is they say something to you, you overreact and they're like, whoa, what's going on? You're like,

oh, sorry. But that's not necessarily a fight, but it is a bit peculiar that you can't, after two years of a serious relationship, like name a time where you had some sort of conflict or disagreement that you had to work through it it's definitely something to at least check in with your partner as to like wonder why i mean i have a lot of friends who are in relationships though who rarely if ever fight but to say that they've never fought and they can't even name a time where they had some sort of disagreement or conflict is a bit, you know, peculiar. Anyway, it's time to get to those calls.

We got some great ones for you. Before we do, do not forget to sending your questions to asknick at thevilefiles.com. All things Ask Nick, texting off hours, mediations, and just a kind of call to action, if you will. We would like to hear more stories from men, you know, their dating struggles, even if it's for the women who listen to the show to get the men's point of view. So I know more women than men listen to this show. For the men who do listen to the show, please write us in. We want to hear just challenges you're having in dating in general or relationships in which ways that you feel like

society or just your community don't understand your plight as a single male, regardless of your sexual orientation. We just want to hear from you. And if you have guy friends out there that you've heard complain or express their frustrations, if they're not listening to the show, just encourage them to write in as well. We'd love to hear because I do think sometimes we're only getting one side of the story, so to speak, when we're talking about some of the challenges and dating struggles out there. And I think it would just be very interesting to hear from some men at times, even the fuck

boys. We want to hear from some men all you know at times even the fuck boys you know we want to hear from them so please encourage them to write in and ask nick at the vile files dot com also just a programming note uh it's thanksgiving week so uh hope that you if you are traveling this week travel safely uh love your hug ones call your relatives especially the elderly ones that you won't be able to see also we there will be no going deeper episode this week it's thanksgiving enjoy your families we're not going to drop it the day before so we're only dropping two episodes this week today's ask nick and tomorrow's reality

recap and chances are you haven't if you're dying for more episodes chances are there's an episode of ours you haven't listened to uh maybe it's the Lindsay Hubbard one that we dropped a couple weeks ago, the summer house scandal heard around the world. But certainly there is something if you're desperate for some Vile Files content. Also, maybe some Vile Files Plus. Plenty of update specials available right now behind Vile Files Plus that you probably haven't listened to. So be sure to check that out. Also, the update special for Classic

isn't dropping this Friday. Again, because of Thanksgiving week, it will be out next Friday for everyone to listen to. But if you are dying for more updates, there are certainly plenty behind Vile Files Plus. And it's free to sign up. So do that by going to VileFiles.com.

Alright, let's get to our callers. How's it going? Hey, guys. Doing good. My name is Morgan. I'm 28, and I broke off my engagement to my fiance, and I want to try to work things out. Okay. Does he know that?

Yes. He does. Does he know that? Yes. He does. What was, what was his response? It was a mixed bag of, I don't know. And I don't think I can do that right now. That was about two weeks ago. Okay. How, how long are you dating for?

How long are you engaged for? We were just shy of six years dating. And within that six years to those, the last couple of months were the engagement process. So he proposed to you a couple months ago. Yes. Okay. And mid July. Uh, were you shocked, caught off guard? Were you guys discussing, how did the engagement come to be? Um, I was not surprised. Basically, the week before and even some weeks and months before, I'd been expressing like, hey, you know, we've been together this long. I feel like we're in a place where we can do this. I don't understand what the holdup is or if there

is a holdup of some kind. But so but so basically I was just trying to gauge, like, is this even part of your plan? Um, and so I put them a kind of on the spot about the week before. And I was just like, I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to figure something out fast or else I'm gone. And then that next week, well, he was already like, okay, I'll set something up for next week. And so when he set up dinner plans, it was kind of like not not really surprising to me. And I was happy about it. My big thing was I just wanted him to make a decision. And he made a decision. So what happened after that? What happened after that is after he proposed, after I said yes, everybody was up in arms about like planning. And then he started talking about like, I really want to get married in like a year from

now. And I just said, Whoa, hold on. I wanted to know that this was where you were not necessarily that we had to get married right away. But I also wanted to be able to have like time to work through things, get my money together to be able to pay for everything. And I also wanted us to just make sure that like personally and together that we were in a good place because we had just had a big blow up like the week before. Wait, when did you have it? When did you have a big blow up the week before? A week before you got engaged before the proposal? Yes. What was that blow up about? Where I was basically like, that was where I was saying, proposal yes what was that blow up about where i was basically like that was where i was saying you need to do something soon because i don't know what's going on and if you care about me

the way you say you do this would be something that you would do and i would like for you to just make a decision on that and show that to me at this point okay and then he wanted to get married in a year. You were like, hold up. That's not exactly what I had in mind. And then what happened? So while I wanted it to happen in a year, I also realized like in a year, like honestly how much time I had. And I'll say this because, um, my job just does not keep up with the economy. So it makes it very hard for me to save. And so it requires me to have more jobs to be able to save money. And those jobs are going to start picking up around the majority of the time

that I would have to plan. And so I felt like I just wouldn't be as present or as available to do any of those things because I'm making money to pay for my portion. Portion of what? The wedding. Like I wanted to be able to financially contribute. And when he proposed

i i didn't have anything okay is that something that you just want to do what conversations around that did you guys have that was something that i wanted to do um but i will say that wasn't a conversation that we had okay all right so where did you go from wanting him to step up and kind of give you the security that you were looking for? Because that sounds like what you were looking for. You were dating this guy for six years. You kind of had a, where's this going kind of internalization. And then you, you know, you decided that that meant an engagement, which makes a lot of sense.

You got that. And I get there with some almost like sticker shock when it came to the timing of the wedding, so to speak, and you know, the stresses of paying for it. But where did you go from that to just ending the relationship altogether? So that kind of happened in a few phases. After I said, let's take some steps back, make sure we're good. We had already been going to couples counseling just to kind of like try to work through some of the issues that we were already having before. What were some of those issues? It was mostly communication issues. Like there was just a level of communication that I felt like I wasn't getting from him.

Like what? Like just really understanding from him, the direction of the relationship that we're going in. I felt like his mindset was, I'm basically not broken up with you. So that means I'm a hundred percent here, but I didn't feel that from him in a lot of instances, especially like within the last few months where we have been having some issues about like, so where are we going with all this? Like, is this, you know, like us moving forward and committing ourselves to each other? Is that even something you have on your mind? Because right now it doesn't really feel like it. I just kept getting the big answers of it's coming, you know, just like there wasn't really much of any like true reassurance other than just words.

All right. So how old are you again? 28? 28. So you met him at 22-ish. I met him at 23. He was 22. Okay.

And then, okay, back to breaking up. How did you get there? Yeah. So basically after I said, let's hold up, he said, it's fine. Then eventually like communication that was typical, like the regular phone calls, text messages, whatever we do just stopped completely. I would get little stuff here and there throughout the day, maybe once or twice when it would typically be significantly more. And that went on for about three weeks. Like he didn't say anything when he like stepped back.

He just stepped back. And then after that, he kind of came back around and I brought that up to him. And I said, hey, like when you do this, when you step away, take space without communicating with me about like what's going on and what you need or like anything. I feel like you're just leaving the relationship because I don't know when you're coming back and you don't want to address it when you do. This was around you being like, I'm not ready to get married in a year, essentially, right? Right. Okay. Right. And he took that personally. Sounds like probably. Yeah. And then after that, he did the same thing for another month so he he takes a step back for a couple weeks you address it and by hey like you can't check out on me like this it feels like

you're disconnected from us i don't even know if i have a boyfriend and his response to that was disappearing for four more weeks okay and then what happened um so the time I, the first time that he stepped back, I said, I'm not doing that again. And then he did it again. And I realized that later that reason for him stepping back was completely different from the first time he had a physical health thing going on and some things with his job, he wasn't really happy with. And I feel like his mindset was, this is stuff that I'm personally dealing with. I should be able to deal with this myself. I don't want to get anybody else involved with it. And so when he did

that, it just kind of was like, well, how can I ask, how can I support you? How can I be here for you? I can't, you know, fix what's going on with you physically. And I can't give you a job, but like, what can I do to support you while this stuff kind of gets worked out? And that process went on for about a month of me just like asking. And every time it was, I don't know. That's when I started to feel like really lonely in our relationship where I felt like here I am, I'm getting, I'm representing like us as an engaged couple, but you're not here physically, barely here emotionally. After a while, I just asked like, do you feel like you even have time for a relationship? Cause I feel like I'm just in it myself. And then he took a second thought about it and said, I don't think I have time

for a relationship right now. And then I said, then I can't be here in this capacity. If that's how you feel. And that's where it ended okay and so why are you i mean i mean other than obviously the history and i'm sure there's love there and there's a fear of moving on and why do you want him back it was the history and it was like the amount of time that at least i had invested in our relationship. You don't think he's invested anything? I think he invested something. I wouldn't say it was on a similar level.

The whole time, the whole six years? No, not the whole six years. Every once in a while I saw it, but like a good chunk of the time, not as much. Okay. But I guess the reason why I really wanted to like work it out was just that, you know, I felt like the problems that we were initially having and then also the stuff that he was going through, at least to me,

it felt like it was reasonably workable. You know, of course, I can't do all of everything for him, but it's something that like, if you need me to support you, just tell me how, and I can, you know, do my best to do that. You just need to give me the opportunity and the chance to try to do that. But he didn't really have any answers for me at the time. Do you feel like you've created an environment that would make him want to open up? Yes and no. I say no, because I feel like for the last few months, every.

I don't want to say every conversation, but I would say every lengthy conversation that we had was always about something serious, whether it was like living arrangements, like what are we going to do as far as living together? Because we don't live together. What we expect of each other out of a relationship and then like moving forward, what does that look like? I tried to have these conversations earlier on, but he wasn't really receptive to hearing them at the time. And when I say earlier on, I mean, maybe around the three year mark. So not completely unreasonable to me, at least. But he didn't really want to have them. And whenever I would follow up, it just never seemed like a convenient time. And then naturally other hard conversations come up just over time.

I mean, give me an example. I'm so like, like, fascinated by your relationship. You know, it sounds kind of loveless, emotional, just how you're describing it. I don't know. I think it's alarming to hear you say that over the course of six years, you feel like you've put in way more than he's put in. Whether that's true or that's just your POV, it's just alarming that you feel that way. And I think it's something for

you to take notice of because you kind of say it as a throwaway. It's just like, hey, I asked you a question. You're like, well, I do. And you just kind of threw it in there. So I think it's a profound thing to say. I was in a six-year relationship. And for the kind of threw it in there. So I think it's a profound thing to say. I was in a six year relationship. And for the majority of that relationship, I felt like I put in way more effort than my partner. And if that's how you truly feel, that's a valid feeling. He might feel differently. I don't know. you know he might feel differently you know i don't know but also like you mentioned three year mark you you you asked tough convert you describe tough conversations as like what i think is just normal relationship conversations like and you made it seem like it took three years for you to have a basic conversation about just general expectations about what the other person wants out of this relationship, why they're choosing to be with the other person. Like that, that should honestly happen on like a third date, not the third year.

So I think the reason why it happened that way is that we were both in school at the time too. So when I was finishing up my master's, he was wrapping up his undergrad. And so by the time I got a full time job, he went straight to grad school as well. So we were physically together like the first year. And then the next two years after that, we were physically like apart for like distance wise. distance wise. And so it just was one of those things where it's like, how do you, I guess, how do you have that conversation right then and there at that time with the way our situation was? Cause we weren't like, we weren't working professionals, not both of us. So we were in like two different places. And I felt like it would be better to have that conversation after everybody's wrapped school, we started working and started to just

like figure things out that way yeah it sounds like you know you met each other when you were fairly young and you had a lot going on as as people at that age do you know you guys were investing your education that's super fucking stressful so i think it's just you know, you guys were investing in your education. That's super fucking stressful. So I think it's just, you know, when you have a lot going on, it's, you know, you're spread thin. You know, it's harder to make other people and other things a priority. But regardless of where you're at in life, if you want to be in a relationship and you want it to be successful, it requires two people to make that relationship a priority. Now, it doesn't need to always be the number one priority, you know, it's not like, you know, on a day-to-day basis, overall it should be, right? You know, but like sometimes you might have some responsibilities, he might have some responsibilities and there needs to

be conversations constantly, whether you're living in the same city. And certainly when you're living in a different city long distance, the challenge of long distance when you break it all down is how do we stay connected? It's going to be harder for us to stay connected because we're physically not in the same place. So other couples who are physically in the same place, it's just naturally easy to be more connected because we're with each other. Now, that being said, there's a lot of couples in long distance relationships who are far more connected than people who live together. And that's just because they make it a priority. They make the effort. They've sat down and said, all right, well, I want to feel connected to you. I want to be close to you. I want to know what's going on. And I want to be an outlet for you to vent

and vice versa. And I just, I want you to think of me as someone who cares about you and that you have someone in your corner and vice versa. And I want to talk to you. And what is that? What do you need from me? And what do I need from you? And like, you know, when you're in a relationship that I guess is a healthy one, it's that part should be so easy. Um, and it just seems like you guys kind of, you know, maybe it's just a product of, of meeting at a young age while a lot is going on, you know, maybe you guys took each other for granted a little bit. Well, when we were in, when he was in school and I was back at home, we did make plans in terms of like building our schedule, like how or when we're going to see

each other and things like that. So we definitely tried to like do our best to, of course, physically be in the same place, I would say at least once a month but usually it was twice a month so every other week um but yeah I think we didn't take the time to sit down and really like talk about those things and that might also just be a byproduct of at least for me like this is my first relationship and of course it's the longest one by default um so it's like you're i'm learning a lot around this time too yeah yeah i mean uh it's you guys were you've been it seems like up to this point you've been very reactive with each other rather than proactive you know you guys are

responding to how the relationship is making you feel and then it's like you're you're always coming from a place of deficiency in a way it's like i you're, you're always coming from a place of deficiency in a way. It's like, I don't feel like I'm getting enough. So let's have a conversation about it. And then immediately when that happens, the person who's being talked to is probably feeling attacked or getting defensive because it sounds like, well, what are you going to do differently to make me feel better type of thing. That's exactly what happens. Yeah. You know?

And so then you, you go to him, you're like, Hey, by the way, I need some, it's been six years. I need some like assurances in theory.

That sounds totally valid and normal. Right. And he, he's like, so what does he do? He steps up, goes, buys a ring,

makes a plan. Doesn't sound like it was the most elaborate plan but he did and then you got the ball rolling in his mind he's like fuck it all right now i'm gonna get married and then you're like just wait you know and that point honestly probably felt very defeating to him but that's just because you guys you clearly just aren't communicating at all with each other and it goes both ways and i i feel like empathizing with each other would go a long way i'm not do you i get the sense there's not a lot of that going on you know it's a lot of you guys communicating what you guys aren't getting out of this relationship yeah i would say for the empathizing, I could have probably done better about that. I guess I'm also thinking like, just historically, I don't feel like the same has been done for me. And it's not that I'm doing that I'm not trying to do it out of like, any kind of retaliation towards them or anything like that. But it's just kind of like,

I'm telling you what I need. And it seems like you're blatantly disregarding it. Can you give me an example of that? Because the only example you gave us so far is that you told him you need to get engaged and he proposed. The best example I can think of is when I would tell him, hey, you know, I know you don't necessarily care very much for PDA. He's always been like that. He always just said, I don't want to be the center of attention, but I said, I would appreciate it. If like, even when we are in public that, that like you held my hand or like, you know, we're a little bit closer to me and felt comfortable doing that because I just remember, especially earlier on and it got better later that like, I would reach to grab his hand because i didn't

understand how uncomfortable it made him and he like would pull his hand away or if i would reach his hand and he wouldn't pull away like if my fingers were opened up like this like this was this would be how his hand would be and it would just be like travis kelsey would never yeah i mean yeah that, that's problematic. It would just be like a rejection. There's not being in a PDA and there's not holding your girlfriend's hand. Yeah. You're not asking him to like stick his tongue down your throat at Thanksgiving.

That's literally the exact same example that I gave him. Oh, I knew I loved you. It's like he's making you sound like you want he you want him to grope you in public exactly i'm like i really don't want that i just want to like i just want to feel close to you i want to feel your presence you guys should be holding hands every day yeah do you feel like you guys are competing at all in a way like through like with school and careers when you say competing actually what exactly do you mean well i guess um you know you're both in school you both went to grad school school is competitive certainly for some people uh i'm assuming you're going to school to

use your degree in something so like you're career driven both you, it sounds like it, right? So there's natural competition. So how do you guys feel like you're each other's cheerleaders or is it more, you know, a little bit of competition? So neither of us have been in school for the past over two years at this point. Okay. You're both working? Yes, both working. Career-wise, I think that the competition that comes in is just like the job search, if that makes sense. So like, I'm just thinking back to graduate school where he found a job and it was out of state. And he told me about it,

but we never really talked about logistics with it. But he was very adamant about like taking it. And the expectation was that I would just follow him to that job or wherever that was. And I had just got a job close to home because he said that's what he wanted to do. So it was kind of like confusing when he went and just did a job search and like found something like well out of state when I just accepted a job here based on what he said he wanted to try to do. So I would say the competition would be more like we're not, it's like like it's like we didn't really consult each other yeah i mean it's not that yeah it sounds less of a competition and more like uh an assumption of gender roles to me it's more like hey i got this job and

again i'm putting words in his mouth, but it sounds like, yeah, like an assumption of I'm the guy and you're going to follow me because if we have kids, you know, I don't, you know, if a very old school traditional guy might make an assumption like that without checking in with their partner and saying, Hey babe, you know, not to make an excuse at all for him, but that's my guess that where his mindset was. How would you think your, I'm just going to call him your fiance for now. How would he, if I were to run into him and I were to say, how would you describe your partner? How would he describe you as a partner? You know, I would say that you describe me as somebody who likes what she likes.

And it can be a bit hard to compromise on certain things just because of what she liked. Okay. Stubborn maybe? Yeah. Stubborn. Okay. Particular. Particular. Yeah. How would you describe him? Particular. Extremely stubborn, not necessarily particular.

Selfish to a fault. Selfish to a fault. selfish to a fault selfish to a fault so i'm gonna ask you again why do you want to get packed together and that's not like a trick question i just genuinely i'm asking you yeah i i really just the the sad part is is i don't even know if i can answer that question anymore okay i really wish i could you you've answered it in a way by acknowledging that you can't answer that right now and maybe you just don't have an answer yet but i think it's important for you to at least acknowledge that truth that it exists today Because what that's telling you is that

at least you need to consider the possibility that your desire to get back together is a reactive decision. Which, based off of what I'm hearing from you, is kind of par for the course. Again, your relationship seems to be way more reactive with each other. You guys are reacting to each other

and how you guys act as individuals. You're not proactive as two people prioritizing a relationship. And again, it sounds like there's a lot of areas of improvement for the relationship. That's a good sign. I don't know if you guys are both interested in doing that. I think, again, it's alarming for you to say things like, alarming for you to say things like he's selfish to a fault in six years i feel confident in saying i've getting given way more to the relationship than i've gotten out of it those are alarming characteristics of the relationship you know i'm a big believer and as hard as it is to like not stay or get back into relationship based off the fear of losing whatever you invested in how this relationship was you know four or five

years ago like really has nothing to do with how you guys are as a couple now and certainly how you're going to be in the future. Yeah. It's you're in a tough situation. I mean, like I'm just thinking of all the things that you've said in their conversation. Like, I hope that it's obvious that like when he was going through whatever health

problems he had and things like that, like it's still like this idea that he thought he was supposed to do this on his own. That's to me, that sounds so weird. Like your girlfriend of six years, who you were now engaged to, like whatever, she didn't want to get married in a year.

Okay, fine. And then he had some personal issues go on, like why he felt like he needed to handle it on his own. It's weird to me. Like you should be a person he should be able to go to and say, this has happened to me. I'm scared. There's a lot that we can talk about and kind of the nitty gritty of the

relationship. But I think more than anything, we kind of have to look at this relationship from a big picture standpoint. And big picture is you've been dating this guy for six years. You get engaged via stress you know the catalyst for a proposal wasn't based off of like we're just so in love and we're ready and we're excited about our future together was you were feeling a little disconnected you expressed some expectations he met those expectations i hope that he was excited when

you did and i'm sure he was, you know, like it didn't sound like you forced him to do it. And then he sounded like he got excited. And then because of this communication, it sounded like your body told you the truth. And the truth is like something felt wrong. You know, why get married if you're not ready to get married in a year? You know, and if you're not ready to get married in a year you know and if you're not ready to get married a year why is it so important you to get engaged well i mean i get why you wanted some security you felt you know but instead of getting engaged maybe you just needed to get more connected yeah you know and i guess i thought that would help with that or that that would be that i hear you yeah no i've done that yeah yeah i moved in with someone hoping

that would happen but like getting engaged moving in taking big steps together in a relationship doesn't make you more connected in fact if you make those big steps not being connected it just puts more stress on the relationship now you guys weren't connected when you got engaged and therefore there was a disconnect and't connected when you got engaged and therefore there was a disconnect in expectations of when you got married. You expressed those, that disconnect. He felt per, it was personal to him. It felt like you just fucking made me getting, like I had, I, I just proposed and now like you don't want to marry me. I'm so confused and frustrated, you know, but that's just a product of you guys not being connected. And again, back to like how, you know, but that's just a product of you guys not being connected. And again, back to like how,

you know, when I asked you to describe how this relationship has made you feel, it's not super positive words, you know, like I'm sure he's a great guy and you love him, but at the end of the day, you don't feel like he's doing his part. So I think maybe taking a step back and when you think about, do I want to be with this guy? Do I want a future with this guy? Think about what your first thought is. And if that thought of it's like, because we've been together for so long, that's not a valid answer to me. But if you do work it out with him, I would just try, you can't score keep. If you want to work it out with him, you need to try to empathize with him. You need to lead with love and communicate first, how you feel about him.

Why do you want to be in this relationship? I love you because of this. This is, you know, you express positive things that you see in him. What reasons you believe in him? Why you think he's a good enough man for you to spend the rest of your life with. And then you, maybe you can communicate like things that you would like the relationship to work on. Ways that you, maybe you fell short, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Maybe writing in a letter. I know I said that a lot, but I think it helps put people's, you know, put your thoughts together. You can kind of look at it. But in the time being, you might have these conversations with yourself and realize, I don't know,

like maybe I want to get back in this relationship for all the wrong reasons. Because you don't sound like you were all that happy. I guess that's my, in that relationship. I don't get the sense that you're actually wanting to get back together with this guy. You're responding out of fear. Yeah, no. There's a, I would say, a desire,

but not with the version of him that he was. Okay. Well, that's a great answer. I would give him some space. Yeah. See how he responds. Okay. If he does reach back out, then you can kind of let him know how you've been feeling about things, whatever that is.

All right. about things whatever that is all right well i'm sorry you're going through this but i uh i'm getting a sense that maybe you need to take a step back except that maybe this relationship isn't your future i don't know if it is but i think you just accepting the possibility that it isn't will take a lot of stress off your shoulders and maybe this is just um it's time to move on you know all right it's gonna get better i promise keep us posted for sure all right bye-bye thanks guys bye all right you holiday shoppers if you are looking for an amazing gift you gotta check out viore viore is making the premier pristine fitness and just kind of everyday loungewear. Whether you are working out or you're going shopping or you just want something comfortable to wear in that you can also wear out in public, you got to check out Viore.

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Oh, different ones. Okay. How many times have you been ghosted? Four. Four. Yeah. Well, yeah, there was one a while ago. It was apparently it was catfishing and we actually were supposed to meet and then he backed out and it was a few times.

And then I just talked to my daughter and she's like, oh, my God, he's catfishing you. And so like that, I just stopped interacting with him. OK, well, that's not doesn't count. That's not ghosting. That's well, it's, you know, something. It sucks. It's icky and it's, you know, something. It sucks. It's icky. And it's a violation of your trust.

But I mean, that person was lying to you from the get go. So what are you supposed to do? You know? Yes. So right now, you know, I have I'm talking to a few guys. One guy's been um for three months and we have seen each other once and had sex and then um haven't seen each other since and we've kind of been on and off like texting he won't talk on the phone what do you mean he won't talk on the phone yeah he doesn't talk on the phone what do you mean he won't talk on the phone yeah he doesn't

talk on the phone like that's not a thing so like he won't call her like he doesn't only wants to text uh you said you're talking to a few guys who are the other guys okay so then i had one guy i was talking to but he basically was just talking to me um about our we were talking about our exes and we were one-upping each other and he was just looking for sex. Like, and then he found out that that's not something that, you know, I just want to give out necessarily right away. And he stopped talking to me. He did, but he did say that he wanted to meet me a few times. Like, he's like, we need to go for drinks.

We need to go for drinks. I'm like, okay. And then nothing happened. And then. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. This is what I heard.

Certain version. You communicated to him that you were like looking for something more than just a hookup. He said, thanks, but no thanks. You said, okay, cool. And then he was like, but we should get drinks at some point. And you were like, cool. Let me know. It was throughout the, it was throughout the few weeks that we were talking that he had mentioned that he wanted to meet up. And I said, okay. And we just didn't set a date. And then we just kept talking and he would talk to me on the phone.

We talked for a few hours. He just was we just talked a lot about our exes. It was kind of weird. And it was like we were one upping each other on who got screwed the worst, basically. And then he would talk. Then he started talking about sex. And then he would talk. Then he started talking about sex. And then I said that I that's not something that I was looking for right away. And he didn't like that, I guess. Yeah.

How do you know that? What did he say? Well, he just stopped. Well, he ghosted her. It went from let's get drinks, let's get drinks to no, no, no more drinks invitations. No. Okay. This guy also told me that men, the reason men want to have sex early on in the relationship is to make sure that we are compatible and that the sex is good.

And then I would have to do something else, another effort to keep him interested. Like I would have to put out something else to make him interested and stay. Not just sex, but something else. And I said, well, what do men have to give women? And he said compatibility he gives you entertainment and security and what did you think about that answer i thought that sounded like bs and i was like really i was like okay it's just really so stupid I was like, okay.

It's really so stupid. It's kind of like, all right. I'm not hearing you getting ghosted. I'm hearing you finding out that you're not compatible with this guy. And you're not interested in what he wants. And, you know, he could have done a nicer, you know, he could have been more mature and communicated to you and say, hey, listen, you know he could have done the a nicer you know he could have been more mature and and communicated to you and say hey listen you know it's nice getting to know you but i don't know if we're looking for the same thing good luck with life yeah he could have done that but we're also talking about a guy who literally just said to you you know made up some story spoke for all men

and uh gave you some sort of like you know sexual chores or something to do for him or something i don't know you know what i'm saying so like yeah right are we really sad about this are we really sad about this guy not no no okay no no it's like a learning i mean i'm just learned i mean this is the first time i've ever dated i i was married young at 19 and so i've never dated and this is just you know just learning experiences how long you've been single for the guy that i've the guy that i've been talking to for three months um he does say that he wants to meet up, but he doesn't make plans. I mean, like he can't go out during the week because of his work. I mean, he works a nine to seven to six job. Like, I don't know his hours, but like he works, you know, 10 hour days or eight hour days

or whatever. And he just doesn't like to do things after work because you know he has worked the next day and there hasn't been a single time in three months that he was able to go on a walk well we've been on and like he did like he stopped texting me um at one point because i said that i you know i had sex with him kind of early you know like after a week and um and i was like you know, I had sex with him kind of early, you know, like after a week. And I was like, you know, we really should get to know each other better. And then he just was all worked up about having sex with me. And he got really over obsessed with it. And then like, he stood me up a few times and now he just says the words, you know, like, we need to, you know, do something or we need to get together. But that doesn't happen.

And then. Mom, can I just like summarize what you're saying so we can like get to like the advice part? Yeah, Hannah, jump in. What do you think your mom's problem is? What do you think your mom's problem is? So I think that she like starts talking to these guys and then they basically say that they want to meet up, but then they never actually make plans to meet up. And they just keep saying, like, you know, advice as to why guys are just like saying they want to meet and then stop talking or saying they want to meet constantly and then

never actually making any effort to make plans. That's basically what she's trying to say. Like, okay, this has been going on. Thanks for summarizing. Yeah. I don't know if I have like a,

an answer, you know, I can't speak for summarizing. Yeah. Got it. I don't know if I have like an answer. I can't speak for all men. Unlike what's his face? Yeah. And I don't know what your daughters told you about the dating world out there, but it's a struggle for people. And I think it's just kind of good to recognize that. You know? and I think it's just kind of good to recognize that, you know,

if for no other reason than is to not get so done on yourself. Is this like, you know, and how long you've been single for? Is this recently? A year and a half. Okay. So you're recently single, you know, that's not long after being in a very long for 26 years. Yeah.

It could be a dating can be scary, intimidating, you know, when it doesn't go well, you can ask yourself, what am I doing wrong? You know, really kind of beat yourself up over things,

not going the way you hoped. So just know that it's a fucking mess out there and it's hard and it's a challenge. And if if if nothing else just give yourself a little bit of grace um to know that like when it comes to dating just statistically you know you're gonna have as i said this already today someone else you're gonna everyone has more swings than misses and unless you like every person you're gonna date with then you have a whole other set of problems if you are falling in love with every person you meet. But you should dislike more people than you like when you date because you're not meant for everyone. And dating is about getting to know people, getting to know strangers nowadays because you're meeting people, it sounds like, on these apps, right? You have no rapport.

Yeah, there was. on these apps, right? You have no rapport. They're all, they're all total strangers to you. So my biggest advice to you, honestly, is just know that, you know, to not, to give yourself grace when it comes to dating, you know, and to not obsess over failed dates, you know, well, what happened? What did I do wrong wrong what should i have said differently you know yada yada yada is that no if it if something you know is a 47 year old woman you're certainly old enough to know what feels right and what feels wrong you know i guess the problem is is even getting the date like i can't even get the date. I hear you. When you go, so what apps are you on? I only did one and I'm not on it anymore.

It's kind of frustrating. I did something called Zoosk. What's that? I don't know. It was a dating app. It's a web-based dating app and she hops back and forth. So she'll go off it for a little bit and then go back on. I've only done that twice. I don like it you don't like it okay and then i meet guys at bars

or whatever and you know that's just another whole mess but um you know uh it's just even getting the date so to have grace on you know failed. I can't even get the date. So you should have, you gotta have grace on all things dating. Yeah. You know, because maybe your daughter's already told you this, but dating apps and technology has created this kind of perception of abundance when it comes to our options and dating, you know, you go on the apps, it comes to our options in dating. You go on the apps, the apps feed you 20, 30 men. You're like, holy shit, man. And there's this perception of abundance and men have the same thing. And so that perception of abundance makes us feel like we have the right to be extraordinarily picky with our time. And then it's just like, just like oh well do i go on a date with her do i go on a date with her do i go right with her it's like i don't have time for all these

dates you know and then and then we just kind of all the dating apps become is like this thing we go on to have these like effortless conversations with strangers because it's kind of something to do you know so that's why you're again again, it's not you, you know, I talked to a lot of people, a lot of women at all sorts of ages and they all have, they share in this frustration. You know, I guarantee you all the people listening, there's a lot of people being like, same girl, fuck, you know, and they're 22 and they're 27 and they're 33 and they're 47. 27 and they're 33 and they're 47. So it's not you. I think it's just the culture that we're in where everyone feels like they have this perception of abundance. And so they become more unreliable, more noncommittal. And you don't know if you're talking to a guy who's

been on the apps for a year, have been single for a while. Maybe you're this fifth conversation that day. Maybe you're his first, you're his second. You know what I'm saying? Like, you don't really know. That's where the struggle can come in. Right. I was also wondering if like, so she has like a lot of phone calls with these people.

And like, sometimes they're like two, three hours long, like a lot of phone calls. Stop doing that. sometimes they're like two three hours long like a lot of phone calls stop doing that and then they start talking about like yeah stop doing that that'd be bad do you not what you stop talking to strange men you know you know it's great to use the apps to meet with single to to find out who's single and interested in dating and you should only use the apps to secure these dates and you are you're no matter what you're gonna run into flaky people on the apps there's nothing you can do about that so just like just know that that happens but it's such a waste of your time to match with fucking hank who i don't know who you know says he loves to travel and likes good food you know and then you start like texting and then you get on a phone call and you're talking to a guy for

hours all you've seen is like three pictures of them. He's a fucking stranger. You don't know anything about this guy. Well, isn't that how you get to know them? You get to know. No. And again, you're going to meet a lot of freaky people, but you match with them. And then immediately it's like, when are you going to take me out? The only conversation you should be having with these men on the apps is to set up a date. Not everyone might agree with that, but I strongly feel that. And you're going to weed out a lot of the people who are just interested in wasting your time. So you think it's better to actually physically see the person right away than to spend time talking and know them? Over the phone, I'm a big believer in Zoom dates or FaceTime dates. You're Zooming in with us now,

so clearly you know how to use it. Your daughter can set you up an email account that's just for Zoom. But I'm just saying, how much can you get to know with a stranger over the phone? So at least video chat. What do they look like in a video? The rapport, things like that. That's a little bit more personal interaction. So I'm fine with that. I also think, too, being able to limit yourself because it can get really exciting, especially if you feel like you're clicking and you're like, oh, my God, we could talk forever. But you always want to remind yourself that this is the first time you're really talking. So when you do those Zoom dates, I like to cap it at like 20 minutes 30 minutes tops yeah tops and then be like okay great let's set up a date because it's just like you you always want

to like leave not only leave them wanting more but you want to know more too yeah you want to go to the bar having more questions you've definitely talked yourself out of dates in these two hour three hour phone calls my daughter's's probably over there going, yeah, I know that. And again, keep in mind that you're going to have more swings and misses, right? I really want to enforce that reality because I don't want you to feel discouraged in an environment that's easy to get discouraged. I'm just trying to give you tools to make sure that you're not wasting time. Like, okay, when it comes to dating, we like yeses, you know, we like validation, but no's are also pretty good. Rejection is clarity. I say this all the time because like the worst thing you can get

yourself in, in these dating apps and dating is to like not get answers. The worst thing you do is talk to a stranger every week for three hours and have it go nowhere, only for him to eventually ghost you. You don't need to talk to this guy, whoever this guy is, four times over the course of three weeks, two hours a pop, only for him to ghost you to find out that maybe he's not your guy. You might've found that out by simply just saying, hey, well, it's like your profile. You seem really handsome. A couple of questions back and forth. Hey, well, love to get together with you sometime. Or you could be like, you could say like, hey, I'm a Zoom, first date Zoom girl kind of thing. And then these old guys, whatever, maybe like, what's that? I don't know. Maybe you're going

after young guys. I don't know. But come in with your rules. You know, this is how I date, you know, and you're going to get a lot of guys are going to be like, well, that's weird. I don't know but kind of both come in with your rules you know this is how i date you know and you're gonna get a lot of guys you're gonna be like well that's weird i don't do that you're gonna get a lot of judgment and i would let the judgment just kind of weed out that weed them out and what i mean by that is like if a guy's like i don't fucking do that that's weird you'd be like okay great bye great like why would you want someone who's not flexible you're not asking anything that's unreasonable so but what if he says yes? Okay, we get on a date. Like Allie said, cap it 20, 30 minutes. A Zoom date is just to figure out a couple of basic things. Do they look like their picture? Are they someone who's been catfished before? Are they who they say they are? Also, I don't know about the dating apps that

you've been on, but I know at least with hinge and maybe some other ones, they have like a video chat thing built in there. So I found that to be easy as well, because then like, you don't even need an email or a zoom or sending links back and forth. Like you can literally just agree on a time and click the video and it will take you right to that video room. Oh,

well, that's nice. This one did not have that. When, can I ask? So like when you do start talking to somebody or you know like you're a match when is the like the right amount of time to actually meet in person is there like so many days like it was within two weeks no i know there's no you're 47 years old. There's no rules. Who cares? But how do I know what's too soon or what's too long?

There's no right or wrong. Your only goal to do this is to try to meet someone that you connect with and build a relationship and have a second love of your life, you know, or a first one. I don't, I don't know. Um, but that's your goal.

Your goal is to meet someone and it might take a couple years. I don't know. At, at your goal. Your goal is to meet someone. And it might take a couple years. I don't know. At this point in your life, right? You know what you like, you know what you don't like. So are the people you're dating. So you're going to get a lot more people that are, you know, more set in their ways for better and for worse. but you just want to find out which people you're actually compatible with and which people like you're just you have nothing in common with and your goal i'm assuming when it comes to dating i mean and maybe i don't want to assume like but it sounds like your goal to date is to meet someone and have a relationship with right yes well there's a lot of people out there dating that don't have the same goal some of their goals are like some of the men you might match with might be guys who, you know, have three or four kids. They also got married young and they're just like, I never want to get married again. And I had sex with the same person for 25 years and now I just want to fuck, you know? So your job is to try to weed those people out. So the more you know what you want and what you're looking for, the better.

So I don't give a shit what their expectations are or if they think two days is too fast for you to reach out or it's two weeks. What do you want? That's the only right answer. Yeah, eventually you're going to meet someone and compromise as important relationships, but when it comes to dating, it's just really important to own what you're looking for and what feels good for you. And don't take rejection so personally, because what rejection is for you is just clarity that these people aren't your guy. And they're just, you know, and you're saving yourself the weeks and the hours of conversations to find out a month from now, the same thing you could have found out two seconds after matching with them on a nap. find out a month from now the same thing you could have found out two seconds after matching with them on a nap right is this helpful sometimes it's hard it's it's easy to hear it then to do it right totally 100 the rejection part you know yeah it sucks to get rejected i hear you on that no one

likes it but i would i would understand you like i worrying about rejection if like if if your goal for dating was to like have as much sex with as many men as possible and that was your only goal is to try to match with as many men and meet up just to get laid and you were getting ghosted and rejected then yeah i guess you could feel bad bad about yourself. But it's like you are frustrating. You're frustrated that you're matching with a handful of men who have that goal, some version of that goal, which is to have meaningless connections and meaningless sex. They're finding out that that's not what you want. They're saying no to what you don't want, which is good news for you

and you're taking that as rejection so i do have a question um she's talking to this one guy right now and they've had this like four-hour conversation phone calls a few times and but he keeps saying like i want to meet up and then she gives him her availability and he literally just is like not responding or like not saying anything so like is there a way to like get him to like make a date and be like yeah you stop give him an ultimatum or something

stop giving him access to you you know it's real he reaches out again and be like hey and you can do it playfully but like if you want yeah just be like if you want to talk to me take me on a date that's it

yeah yeah I like that that's so nice oh mom should we text him let's do it an active situation mom do you want to text him

we love it right now yeah yeah oh my god or you can just wait until he reaches out again yeah like if he

what about you need to be forward okay so I okay but I also have friends telling me you know we don't chase guys who are You just wait till he reaches out again. Yeah. Like if he, what about, you need to be forward. So I, okay. But I also have friends telling me, you know, we don't chase guys.

Who are these friends? You're not chasing. Who are, you're not chasing. Please tell me who these friends are. Who are these friends? Isn't that chasing? Who are these friends?

Well, they're around my age and they are dating. They're single. How's that going for them? And then they just say say we don't chase like you don't chase guys i agree with that i agree with that and i think it's like a big generational thing where my mom was saying like unless she got asked out by a wednesday for the following weekend she'd say no even if she didn't have plans and it's like ingrained in a lot of our

moms but i also and i agree with you but there's a difference between chasing and then just like putting up with like whatever breadcrumbs they'll give you. And I think there are two separate issues, neither of which should be like super prevalent in dating. If you like want to just have like a healthy, nice balance. This isn't chasing, but it's also saying I don't deserve to have my time continue wasted. I'm not going to sit around and have a four hour phone call with someone who won't take me out to dinner. So I think you could tell your friends like, I'm not chasing him. I'm just standing up for what I want and what I deserve. So I'm not wasting either of our time. If you're going to be chased, you get to pick the destination, so to speak. We're saying state your expectations, communicate with these guys what you want out of a relationship,

what you expect from them, the rules that you have, the boundaries, called rules, if they want to play ball with you, if they want to have even the option to chase you, they have to abide by certain rules that you have. And then if they want to chase you, they are welcome to chase you. You're not chasing him by saying, if you want to talk to me, take me on a date. you're telling him how he can chase you and he can choose to chase you or not chase you and all and i said this every all guys like confidence they like expectations that they like a goal give them a goal guys respond to goals you know and you can we like can we can we like craft a text or something for her to send to this guy so that she like has it yeah to send

it's if you want to continue talking to me take me on a date wink face you got to stop having these long conversations keep in mind there are plenty of people out there that that's what they're looking for you know they don't have time for deep personal relationships they're not trying to meet up they're not trying to meet up. They're not trying to buy a bunch of people dinner. Getting on the phone and talking for a few hours does the trick for them. At your age, people are looking for all sorts of different things when it comes to dating. And so you have to, A, figure out what you want.

What are your goals? When it comes to dating, why are you dating? Whatever that answer is, then you have to ask, well, how do I get to that goal? What do I want out of this? Well, if it's a romantic relationship, something that could turn into something, you're going to have to weed a lot of people out that are looking for something different. You really have to try to change the narrative of what rejection is. It's not like finding out that a guy just wants to have sex with you is not you being rejected and that's you rejecting what they want you know and just because they handle the rejection poorly you know by not by just disappearing you don't need to you shouldn't feel rejected you you

you rejected him he was like hey like guys you should do this and guys want this and blah, blah, blah. And you were like, ew, no. That's you rejecting him. I guess I'm trying to emphasize that it's really important for you to figure out what you want to get out of dating and make that the top priority. And don't judge yourself for what you want. And you should have certain rules for yourself of how you want your dating experience to go. And you should have certain rules for yourself of like how you want your dating experience to go and you should feel comfortable communicating that with these men very early on and it's great news to hear a guy say something like oh i don't like that that's not for me no thank you yada yada yada that's just you finding out who they are much faster that's not you being rejected that's you saying this is what i want from you and then i'm saying that's not who i am

and you being like no thank you i like that way of thinking much better than feeling rejected that's entirely up to you but it starts with you being confident in what you're looking for in a relationship and being good at communicating those expectations early on with these guys. And knowing that most of these guys aren't going to be looking for what you're looking for. And that is great news to find out because you're, as I always say, you're only looking for one. You're not looking to meet a bunch of guys on the apps. You're not looking to have a bunch of meaningless sex. So because you're only looking for one, you should find a lot more men that you're not interested in before you find one, unless you're just incredibly lucky. And this just journey that

you're on might take, you know, six months, two years, three years, I don't know. You're going to go on a handful of dates. You might meet a guy here or there. You might be like, oh, I'm kind of excited about this one. You'll call your daughter. You'll be like, oh, I met a nice guy. I went on a couple of dates. It'll last two or three months. And then maybe you decide you don't like them or vice versa. I'm just saying it takes some time. Maybe you decide you don't like them or vice versa. You know, I'm just saying it takes some time just because you found love at 19 really fast. It might take a, you know, a little bit more time and it's going to take more time because you know what you're looking for.

You're, you know, you're more sure of yourself. You know who you are a lot more now than you did when you were 19. You know, when you're 19, it was like, I don't fucking know. Like shit, you know, I feel horny. I guess I'm in love not sure it worked out that way for me but I was gonna say that's awesome but you get

what I'm saying yeah so don't be reacting to all these men the whole like well I let guys chase is kind of this defeated the way you're looking at is very kind of a passive approach I I let guys chase is kind of this defeated. The way you're looking at is very kind of a passive approach. I'll let guys make all the decisions.

I'll like, you know, decide if they want to hang out with me or not. And if they don't want to hang out with me for any reason, regardless of I'm looking for the same thing as they are, I'm going to feel rejected. That's where you're at right now. And you're, you're, you're wasting a lot of your emotional energy on a bunch of men you actually have zero interest in. I think I just want to go on a date so bad and it's just not happening. Take a break. Yeah, I know that's maybe not what you want to hear.

But when it comes to dating, you're going to have to... Dating is like working out. You know, you go to the gym six, seven times a week your body's gonna say hey we need a break dating is mostly stressful you're meeting strangers and trying to figure out you know if you have something in common that's not easy yeah so i have to get past some of the i. I promise you your... I get past the sex. I promise you your luck will change when you have a clear picture of what exactly you're looking for in dating and feel confident in your rules, so to speak, and how you're able to communicate with guys up front and then not seeing that as rejection. and how you're able to communicate with guys up front, and then not seeing that as rejection.

Because that means you're going to weed a lot of people out very quickly that are not looking for what you're looking for, and then you will get to the actual people that are looking for what you're looking for much faster. Well, you're very smart, and it was very helpful. I appreciate it. Okay. Well, good luck. Well, thanks. All I appreciate it. Okay. Well, good luck. Well, thanks. All right.

Yes. Okay. Thank you for your time. Good luck. You too. All right. Keep us posted. We want an update.

Okay. Great. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Thank you. Bye. Dory Worth.

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Upgrade your pup to Sundays and feel good about the food you feed your dog. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Rose and I'm 24. How can I help Rose? I need to stop a wedding in two weeks. Whose wedding? My friend from high school. We were best friends going out in high school. Okay. Why do you need to stop her wedding? It's a guy so stop his wedding he reached out to me um in august or july and we met up and he just told me some things that i was like

you should not be getting married like what what did you say he told me that like he wasn't happy basically and that they were um on opposite schedules so like they never saw each other and he said that she goes to his parents or her parents like every weekend and that like he never gets to see her basically saying like he's so unhappy and then he sent me like these text messages after that like solidified i was like you don't like you should not be getting married why do you feel like it's your responsibility to break up this wedding i don't i see i don't know i don't think it is like is it not my business like should i just like leave it alone like or should i like just go

and act like i don't know anything i mean there's a happy medium have you and i'm assuming you've expressed to him your thoughts and feelings on this topic? Well, kind of. Like, when we went and got drinks, I was just like, divorce is expensive. Like, you probably should not do this. Like, I don't know. I didn't, like, say, like, why are you going through with it? Because I just didn't feel like it was my place. Well, he's coming to you with these concerns.

So he's making it your business. Yeah. So you have that going for you. So I don't think you are, um, you know, speaking out of turn by giving him your opinion on the information he's sharing with you. What do you think I would even say though? Like, just be like, are you sure you want to do this? Sure. Yeah. I mean, it was a good start. Hey, divorces are expensive. Like why, why do you want to get married? Like, why are you doing this?

But I hope you're not getting married just because you're engaged or just because you have a wedding date, you know, people get married because it all happened like really fast. Sure. Yeah. Whether it was fast or slow i'm just saying like a lot of people it's like once the ball's rolling they feel like they can't stop it you know because obviously if he calls off the wedding that's gonna be a lot yeah i think you can reinforce the idea is you can say listen as scary as it is to call off a wedding it's a lot easier than getting divorced and you should only get married if you are happy. I also just think in her shoes she should know.

She should know what? She should know the things that he was saying, I feel like. What is he saying? He was saying sexual things in the text messages. To you? Asking, yeah, to me. So he was cheating on his fiance with you, essentially essentially not that you were

asking for i mean were you yeah yeah well it seems like it kind of crossed over from like you're like going back and forth and it's like dirty jokes like and then it seemed to be like he was actually maybe legitimately testing a little bit but even dirty jokes what did he say specifically what did he say specifically he so we met up and i live an hour and a half away from like our hometown so like i was just visiting my parents and hung out with him when i was there and then i went back home and he texted me he was like did you make it home whatever i was like yeah i'm home i'm watching i showered i'm watching gray's anatomy and then he said me he was like did you make it home whatever I was like yeah I'm home I'm watching I showered I'm watching Grey's Anatomy and then he said that he should have that I should have stayed I was like at my parents house they would have loved to see you for sure

and then he was like talking about like coming down to my house and I was like yeah like Hannah and you are welcome anytime and then he was like oh threesome and like that's not at all what I meant yeah and then he was like I'm kidding I'll talk to her about it when she gets home this weekend I was kidding and you were like I know you still got the dirty jokes lmao he said can't help it only love once I think he meant live I should have just come down tonight and he said you could have and he said I didn't figure you were ready for the hot dog yet to crying, laughing emojis. You said, oh, his name, smiling sweat emoji. He said, I mean, maybe if you'd stayed, I would have given just the tip to crying, laughing emojis. You said, who wants the tip? Who wants just the tip? That's no fun.

He said, guess we'll never know. You said, guess not. He said, if it did, would you tell anyone? Which is I think he means if I did, would you tell anyone? And you said, what are you trying to say? And he said, we're too good of friends to do that. And I couldn't do that. You said, yes, correct. And good. You shouldn't want to. And he said, please never mention anything I just said. I think I've had too much to drink. Me drinking and not getting any action for a while is not good. In all honesty, though, you said you liked being single and I have a buddy from. So then he tried to set you up with a friend. So those are the text messages in question, right?

He's 24. Yeah, 24. Yeah. If my fiance two weeks before. I'm sorry. Just in general. It doesn't even matter. Are you invited to the wedding? Yes. 24. Yeah. If my fiance two weeks before, I'm sorry, just in general, it doesn't even matter. Are you invited to the wedding? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like she like sent me the invite and like messaged me on Facebook. I was like,

hey, are you coming? And I was like, yeah. Other than this, which is enough, don't get me wrong. Did he express any dissatisfaction with the relationship? I mean, it sounds like he's not getting laid, but or her. I mean, just that they never spend time together and like he wanted to do this like other job opportunity that would make him travel a lot. And like he did it.

And then they had like an argument about that. So I think he's upset that he's not like he's just like doing this job another like never gets to see her but like he like compromised to not do the job he wanted to do interesting what do you think she should do i mean the fact that this guy two weeks before his wedding is texting another woman about taking his hot dog is absolutely disgusting. Yeah, that's without question. But she called in being like, I need to break up a wedding in two weeks. Like, it's not your responsibility.

Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's not. But I think it's interesting that you're invited to the wedding. And to me, the big question is, do you go to the wedding or not? And then the second big question is, assuming you don't go to the wedding, because that's the right choice, how do you communicate that? Yeah. Do you think it's worth her saying, looking back, I feel really uncomfortable about what our conversation was and I need to tell bride? No, I think it's more, that's a fine option if you want to do that it's also not your

responsibility you don't think the bride should know at all like you don't think that she should know that you're saying those things are you friends with her i mean like i know like i we're not friends like it's a fine line i'm not you know it's a fine line i guess what i'm trying to say is it would be the right it would be the noble thing for you to do but i'm just not saying it is your responsibility it's your job and if you don't do it this is all your fault like you're not in this relationship it's not your job to protect this relationship you didn't ask this guy to reach out to you i mean you maybe sent a couple of messages back that like you know maybe you shouldn't have but it sounded like you you kept for the most part the moral high ground and i guess maybe like a happy medium would have been

would be to like message them and say listen like you know our last conversation after thinking about it really just kind of made me feel uncomfortable like to me that's not a conversation someone who's weeks away from marriage should be having with someone. I don't feel comfortable coming to your wedding. It's not my place to tell so-and-so about this, but please do not lie about why I'm not coming. And it's up to him to decide whether he wants to tell the truth. You're going to find out eventually whether he told her the truth. That makes sense. And like, I get that part of it, but then it's like, he's already lying to her.

Like he didn't even tell her that we met up and like got drinks. Like he's already lying to her. He's not going to tell her. He's just like, oh, she's busy. She can't come. So what do you want to do? I mean, I'm not going to stop you

from calling her up and telling her. That's for sure. But you called up and be like, hey, I need to break up. The answer, do you know how to break up this wedding? sound the fucking truth screenshots do what you did to us email some screenshots yeah we have them but i don't know i would give him a chance to do the right thing i think i think you should yeah i think it should be more of like if i'll give you

you know a day or two to tell her if you want to, but if you don't, I will tell her myself. Because it's literally this weekend. It's literally on Saturday. Oh my God. When you met up with him, in what context did you think you were meeting up? As friends. We have been friends for eight years.

I guess what I'm saying is now you're like, well, he lied to her about meeting up with me. How do you know like i guess what i'm saying is now you're like well he he didn't he lied to her about meeting up with me how do you know that like why didn't he told he said that he said that in the messages and he told me before or after you met her he's like there oh so you got there and he was like i didn't tell her i was going to meet up with you yeah and he was like she was calling him while we were sitting there i was like oh like are you gonna answer that he was like no she doesn't know that I'm here and to be clear you have no interest in this guy I don't know I don't think so like no that's yes I'm sorry that was a yes you that was a yes you

paused you paused and if it was a no it would have been an immediate no I I just think this is a this is a real messy situation and I it's like it's i know first of all there's the problem is the problem is there's almost they're getting married this saturday right no literally by the time this episode by this episode by the time this episode airs this wedding will have already well maybe not happen but there's no guarantee they don't go through with it. No, they could still go through with the wedding knowing what I think they need to go in knowing what we know. Are you hoping to break this up because you think she deserves another truth or like deep down? Are you like hoping he doesn't get married to him because you're interested? No, like I think she needs it.

I have my own fucked up relationship. So like I don't even like need to entertain that right now. It's really just I want her to know. I will say at the beginning, it seemed like you wanted it for like him to just be happy and that like they didn't see each other and they weren't really happy and you didn't want him to have to go through a divorce. And now like that we've read the text, it's more like you want her to know. So maybe it's both. Yeah, both. I think it's both. Yeah. It's not about me having feelings for him. Like, we've always been friends. And he's always just like been there for me. And like, my friends have always said that, like, he they think something's there, but nothing's ever happened. I've never acted on it kind of thing yeah i mean you i think you you played it quite well in the text where the second he's talked about staying you're bringing up his fiance as in like oh yeah you two should come anytime like yeah no yeah you tried to make it pg yeah i think because he's your friend

i think you owe it to the friendship you know not that you you know I think you owe it to the friendship, you know, not that you, you know, you do, you owe it to the friendship, he made a, he made a mistake, I don't know what his character is, I don't, you know, maybe this is, maybe him acting out out of, holy shit, I'm getting married, it's all happening fast, this is not excusing his actions i'm just um people have done far worse with partners you know i'm just like you are dropping a nuclear bomb potentially on this relationship days before their wedding for um some inappropriate text messaging yeah and so it's not okay she has the right to know but i do feel like you need to give him the heads up and just say well one that made me really uncomfortable you know i didn't appreciate that

like i feel like i'm in a tough position so it's you reach i would reach out some version of hey i've been thinking about our last interaction. The conversation we had made me feel really uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. And it feels wrong to attend a wedding knowing what happened or what you said. And just let them know that you won't be going to the wedding. So you don't think I should go at all? Absolutely not. Okay. going to the wedding so you don't think i should go at all absolutely not okay and then you say and you just as a friend i think the right thing for you to do is to tell her why i'm not coming

i would kind of suggest that you're going to tell her imagine okay he's got a wedding a few days away he gets a text from you he's already like hey promise i'll tell anyone you call him up a couple days later just kidding i actually think i might tell someone and you kind of make that threat so to speak is he gonna what's he gonna do is he's just gonna get married and hope that you don't say anything that's one option but what's stopping you from sending the screenshots to her? That's the thing. It's like you are doing a friendly thing in the fact that you're saying, I think you should tell her, like you're giving him the head start. She should hear it from you before I talk to her. Yeah, that's what you say.

I don't want her to hear this from me. It should come from you. Hear this from me first, because then that's more of an implication. Well, and then do you think that'll like root our friendship like that i'm like that's not the concern we are having a conversation with you and our we're interpreting this conversation is you calling and saying i want to do the right thing what is that so this is our answer what we think the right thing is and unfortunately for you like yeah this friend this guy's about to get married. What friendship are you trying to save? True.

Yeah. And I mean, I see him like maybe once a year. And like, it's also just the fact that you aren't 100% certain that you don't see him as anything other than a brother. It's inappropriate for you to even want to maintain that friendship. The fact that he's in a relationship. That's the right thing. You know, I don't know if you're interested in doing the right thing, but that's the right thing. that's the right thing. You know,

I don't know if you're interested in doing the right thing, but that's the right thing. And then, you know, when you say, Hey, listen, you,

you reach out, this may, the conversation may feel uncomfortable. I'm not going to come to the wedding. I hope that you want to do the right thing. And I think the right thing is for you to tell her before she hears it from me. Yeah.

And then you can finish by saying, listen, I'm sure you're really upset right now that I'm saying this to you, but I think you're a good guy and I care about you as a person. And I don't want you, A, to get married to someone maybe you shouldn't get married to. And B, if you still want to get married, I hope that you do. I mean, if you still want to get married, then get married. But I want you to like do the right thing. And she has the right to know who she's marrying. And whether you actually tell her or not, I think if it stops there, you've done enough. So like if I text him that and then he says something like, no, like I still want you to come to the wedding. Absolutely not. What do I say then?

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. What do I say then? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Okay. Well, if his only response to that message is, I still want you to come to the wedding, then, I don't know, maybe fucking tell her. And you want to ensure, too, there's a chance that if he brings this up,

he's showing her text, she's pulling up his phone and looking at this. You want to ensure that, like, every future communication you have is, like, perfect. That, that like her eyes can be on it and you have done everything like above the law well yeah she she's gonna hate you too probably by the way but that doesn't really matter because you weren't totally above the board you were like it's like a B-. You were like a B-. If this was your boyfriend with his friend and he's like, you know what I mean?

That's not what you would want. No one likes just the tip. Come on. It doesn't mean you're a horrible person. You made a mistake. It's not the end of the day. Your conscious came clean and you felt bad about it, but I'm just saying you didn't ace the test and she's gonna probably be pissed about that yeah and yeah that's fair she has the right to be yeah so yes i whether you actually tell her or not

is kind of up to you and i i just think it's so mad like it's the reason why it's messy is because it's like if you guys fucked or if he knew he fucked someone else, then it's like, you gotta fucking tell her. But this is like somewhere, like, maybe he, again, it's not okay if he was drunk, but like, she could probably get over this, so to speak. And it's like, you're kind of throwing a grenade right before, you know, giving them no time to work through it. And we get couples, their wedding couple days away. So the smallest amount of betrayal will feel so big. And it's very sticky. It's a lot. It's his bad.

But at a minimum, you don't go to the wedding and you communicate to him why. And you tell him what you think he should do. And you give him every reason to think that you're going to tell her and that you have the screenshots and what you decide to do after that you know your call but i think you doing that is enough to that's you doing your part we have a plan what how do you feel about this plan? Okay, I'll text him. Okay. And I don't like to

do these kinds of things. I don't want to... No one does. I'm a very gentle pleaser and I don't want people to be mad at me. That's okay. It stresses me out. I understand. But you're doing the right thing. And learn from this mistake. Just don't let this mistake

repeat itself. You know what acing this test looks like? Meeting up with him doing the right thing and learn from this mistake. Like, like just don't let this mistake repeat itself. You know what acing this test looks like meeting up with him for drinks, him saying, my fiance doesn't know I'm here. And you saying, well, I shouldn't be here then. And then ending that meetup immediately. That's acing the test. And then if he were to text you stuff, not even do not doing the banter back and forth immediately being like, what are you doing? This is inappropriate. Are you sure you want to get married? You don't sound like a guy who's ready to get married. And in that

moment, you should have gone hard to the paint and questioning whether he's actually ready. That would have been an ace in the test. And again, I'm not trying to make you feel bad about not ace in the test. I'm just saying, learn from this. You know, as difficult as it might be, maybe you're doing both of these people a favor because I wouldn't want to get married under these terms.

But she also might marry him anyways. You know, you don't really know. Before we're going to, we have to go, but what are you going to text him? I'm going to say, hey, the last time that we met and the text messages that followed made me feel uncomfortable and I don't feel like I should go to the wedding and I think that you should tell her what was said and what don't feel like I should go to the wedding and I think that you should

tell her no don't say I don't think I should go to the wedding I won't be coming to your wedding yeah I won't be coming okay the phrase like we crossed a line or like it crossed a line so I won't be coming to the wedding okay and then say you need to tell her first or do i not say first do i just say you need to tell her as your friend i think i want to say that she deserves to know and you know i think you're a good guy i think you're better than this but the you you need to do the right thing and the right thing is to tell her before i do okay and like go into a like something like you shouldn't go into a marriage like with this like out there not out there whatever you want to add to it that's up to you in terms of but i think that part is obvious you shouldn't

know that okay okay but it's not your job to tell him why he should get married and if he's like comes back and he's like i was just super drunk like i'm so like i know i fucked up and you're like okay like tell her that tell her that tell her that like i'm not saying how big of a deal this is i'm just saying that is a big enough deal that she certainly deserves to know and more than anything i i'm not coming and she's going to wonder why and i'm not going to lie to her. Okay. Yeah, I like that. Like, I'm not going to, like, don't make me lie to her. No, I'm not going to lie to her. Okay.

You're not going to the wedding and you're not going to lie. You saying don't make me lie to her is suggesting to him that he has the power to make you not lie. You're literally saying convince me to lie. Not literally, but you're basically saying convince me to lie not literally but you're basically saying that yeah okay i will not lie to her and i will not come to the wedding i'm not coming to the wedding and i will not lie to her about why and i think she should find out from you yeah boom okay got it okay incredible i care about strong wording you are certain i care about you as a person i'm i'm doing this because i want to do the right thing i hope you do too okay i'm just nervous on

the bat like what he's gonna reply like what he's gonna say not a lot in fact you send it block him i don't know well i'm him him holy shit or just but like his his response isn't going to be positive you need to expect that even after like being friends for all that time I mean whatever

he was a high school friend whatever you know like news those friendships don't last he's getting married yeah

okay yeah you're right the only way you guys have a chance of being friends is if he doesn't get fucking married in which case he's going to thank you for doing this but if that's all it takes

for I don't know it's not your job to figure out his life it's what your job is is to do the right thing and let him figure out whether he wants to be a good person or not and you should hold him accountable for what kind of person he decides he wants to be and then you can decide do you want good people in your life or not good

people in your life you know yeah yeah okay okay okay i'll do it all right let us let you guys know what happened let us know all right good luck all right all right thanks bye-bye good luck on the baby too by the way thank you so much you're welcome all right bye-bye thanks for listening don't forget uh reality recap tomorrow no going deeper this week have an amazing thanksgiving with whoever you are with love your hug ones there we go. See you tomorrow. Bye.