The Viall Files - E67 Ask Nick - Ford vs. Ferrari

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

It’s another episode of Ask Nick where listeners call in to ask Nick’s advice! We talk to someone having mom problems, a caller who wants to ask her friend out, a woman dating a gorgeous French model, and someone questioning her friendship. Can six packs keep you warm at night? Listen to find out! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: JADE BLACK: https:www.jadeblack.co CODE: VIALL-10  HUNT A KILLER: https://www.huntakiller.com CODE: VIALL EMBARK: https://embarkvet.com CODE: VIALL ROTHY’S: https://rothys.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is going on everybody? Happy Monday. I am here with my trusty producer, Rochelle. Hello. So I have a question. Sometimes people ask me questions about you. Can I ask you one? It's not that personal. So one of our 10 percenters who was a former ass Nick, he's now dating this girl that he was talking to online. You encouraged him to just ask her out to say, I don't want to be your pen pal anymore. I want to meet up.

Now he's dating her. So he's like very indebted to you. They're dating? Yeah. I remember him. Yeah. He's like, Nick's dating her. So he's like very indebted to you. They're dating? Yeah. I remember him. Yeah. He like, he's like, Nick, it's the best. But he wants to know what you eat because he says you look so good for your age.

He's like, I bet a lot of other people want to know too. I don't, I mean. Do you eat really healthy? Nah, not really. I hate to say that. What? It is a deal with the devil uh I I

listen as I get older I definitely become more uh conscientious conscientious fuck

close so close I as I get older I become more uh aware of what I put into my body

I have a vegetable smoothie every every morning every morning see that's I blend uh spinach a banana uh blueberries a little bit of orange juice I don't really need the. See, that's. I blend spinach, a banana, blueberries, a little bit of orange juice.

I don't really need the orange juice because that's like sugar I don't need. But I put a little flavor in it. Ice. What kind of blender do you have? I have a Ninja. Oh, nice. And I drink that. I drink the whole pitcher.

Celery. People say celery is like superfood. Good for you. And. The whole pitcher? I drink the whole pitcher. Oh, God. And it's a. mean i eat the drink that every morning and you don't drink a lot water or alcohol alcohol i do not drink a lot of alcohol yeah that probably helps um yeah listen i everything

in moderation i try to i try to not eat sugar try to not eat sugar no Try to not eat sugar. No sugar in coffee. Like all the things like, and I have a sweet tooth, man. Like I love sugar. But it's sugar kills you. Sugar, soda, sugar. I don't eat any diet stuff, like diet Coke. No diet stuff. Like listen, if you, that stuff's terrible for you. It'll rot your insides.

First. I also have been blessed with a high metabolism, you. Okay. Rot your insides. You heard it here first. I also have been blessed with a high metabolism. Yeah. But you work out a lot. I work out a little bit every day. A little bit every day. Shavings, makeup. I do.

You really do. I don't work out more than 45 minutes a day. Really? Smart. But when I do, like I... Every single day? Yeah. I don't like going into the gym

because I don't like wasting that time. Yes. So I either use, yeah, I just, I try to get in, do it right away. I go run for a little bit or I'll do like plyometrics or I'll box outside. Use an app. Oh yeah, you box, yeah.

And I just try to get a workout, a sweat. I'm gonna try to get the blood going. And I don't like pump iron. You don't. I lift weights, but I'm not like, you know what I'm saying? I'm not some sort of like. That's pumping iron. Moderately, you know?

Yeah. It's really just a little bit. That moderate lifestyle. It's a little bit each day. It goes a long way. Okay. And then one other question. And I'm only asking this because she's emailed me a couple times.

And last time she sounded a long way. Okay, and then one other question. And I'm only asking this because she's emailed me a couple times. And last time she sounded a little upset. She wants to know, on The Bachelor, do you get an itinerary of where you're going? Do you know where you're going to be traveling to? Or is it all last minute? It's all last minute. Especially if you're like part of the cast.

And even as the lead. They don't tell you? No. Oh. They tell you, you find out before them them but they want an authentic reaction oh that's you know they want to tell you when you're on camera for the first time so you go i've never been to finland this is so cool you know it's yeah you know that's that's that's that

is that is why they they do that it's not just to fuck with you. It's they want authenticity. Yeah. Thank you for indulging. And that has been Ask Nick about his life. Yeah. Yeah. Well, keep those.

Maybe we'll do that. Maybe should we start doing a couple questions? Yeah. Like, you know, especially with my questions, Nick, or ask Nick, it's always ask me questions that I can help you answer. Right, right. Less bachelor stuff. But if you, maybe we will do.

I know. I had to sneak that in. I mean, it's fine. I don't, I feel like we've, like even that, I feel like I've answered that some way. This woman really wanted to know. Okay. Well, now you know. I feel like it's not that exciting but okay yeah if it makes you

guys happy right uh oh speaking of what when we said the fan name was vi-fi some people we got kind of a negative reaction we were talking vi-fi is like wi-fi v-i-f what do they think we were gonna do people kept thinking it was vi-flies what okay if it was is that bad vi flies i don't know people didn't like it so other options are the v hive oh oh because like the beehive won't get on rs for that one ripping off beyonce or uh people said filers so i don't know weigh in if you're listening the vi hives what's wrong with vi-hives? The vi-hives. It's really ripping.

Do we have that Beyonce clout? I don't know, man. I feel like, what's wrong with vi-fives? What was the problem? I don't know. People were just like, they seem not excited. So I just wanted to put it out there. You guys really want to be filers?

I like filers i mean hey listen it's whatever i mean you guys let us know yeah let us know you just want to make a t-shirt for you well we have another fantastic episode yeah let's get to it i think you're gonna really enjoy it yeah thanks for listening guys by the way uh don't forget to send in your questions at ask nick at castmedia.com and uh we could use some probably five stars yeah i'm sure we could i don't look but i would really someday someday we'll get back up to five stars yeah anyways uh enjoy this episode guys i love you all how's it going pretty good my name is Annalise I'm 22 hi Annalise hi how can we help hi how are you guys pretty good thanks for asking

see you do get asked by our callers not necessarily some of our guests uh how can we help annalise um okay so i sent like a ridiculous long long email so i'll like shorten it there we um my whole life i've had like a super complicated relationship with my mom okay um basically from the time i was born um she kind of wanted like the cheerleader ballerina daughter and i just like wasn't that um and throughout like high school college like we just had a really really complicated relationship um and we just fought like just constant fighting um just constant like i wasn't really enough just fought like just constant fighting, just constant. Like I wasn't really enough, just constant. Like I just was never really the daughter that she kind of like imagined herself having.

And I'm the only girl out of two boys and I am the oldest. So like obviously the oldest is like the test subject of all the kids. So my parents are kind of just like winging it as they went with me. And like I was so lucky to have like the best dad and the best brothers in the world just like my mom i've always had like a really hard issue with and recently my brother who was like my best friend in the whole world um he left for the army and so like my person like i've always had is gone um and i don't really like have that person to confide in and like the person that like really really like gets me when it comes to my mom is like gone so i was just kind of like my question was like how do i how do i like deal with her how do i deal with such like

i can't just cut her out of my life i've tried we went like a year without talking you tried to pick your mom out of your life? Yeah. Yeah. You didn't talk for a whole year? Yeah. We didn't talk for like a year and a half. Who initiated that? In a sense, she kicked me out, but she didn't really like have the, like the power to kick me out because like. How old were you? I was 19. Okay. You were living at home? I was living at home. Yeah. And like, she doesn't work.

So she like didn't really have the power to kick me out. So my dad was like, you don't have to go. Like you can stay here as long as you want. But my mom was like, you have to go. So I left. But your parents are like, they're married. They're still together. Yeah.

Yeah. My parents, like it's married they're still together yeah yeah my parents like it's actually it's a really complicated situation like my dad like my parents have separated over like me before like my dad has left her um like my brothers have left before like it's because of my mom um she just has tend like over the years to be like a really complicated person to deal with my dad doesn't believe in divorce though um he's like a really really like hardcore catholic okay sure um and so he just like they've separated and they've always just like they've just worked it out um what was the reasoning that your mom wanted to kick you out? So I went away to college for a year and some stuff happened. And it's just like, it just wasn't like the scene for me. Um, it was like a really small town and I'm from Chicago and I'm like, I'm from like a

bigger city. And like, I went to this school called, um, SFA, which is in this town called Nacogdoches, Texas, which is like the smallest like town in the world. And it's like it just like wasn't the place for me and um like again like she really really has always like tried to live her life vicariously through me because like there were a lot of things that she didn't get to experience when she was my age so like it just blew up when I decided not to go back. And I was just like, in her eyes, I've just always been like, the biggest disappointment possible. And like, she's told

me that, like, it's not just it's not just like me being like, Oh, my gosh, like, no, like, she's told me that. Um, so like, it just like, that's where it all came to a head. So you were living at home, but you didn't talk for a year. You were living. No, no, no. I was living at home and that's where it came to a head. Yeah. And that's where she pretty much like told me I had to leave.

So I left. I just, I figured it out. I just moved out. I got a place with some roommates for a year. And like, I kept in contact with everyone except my mom. Like, and that's where like my brother has been my best friend my whole life. I kept in contact with my dad. I kept in contact with everyone except my mom like and that's where like my brother has been my best friend my whole life I kept in contact with my dad I kept in contact with everyone what are what are your brothers you see you have two other brothers you have your one brother you're very close with who's

now serving in the military and then your dad you have another brother yeah when you were exiled so to speak by your mother like what what conversations are they having with your mom um basically like it was really hard for me to leave them there because basically like they were so my dad travels a lot for work okay so I kind of like left my brothers in this like ticking time bomb of like my mom like just getting ready to like explode on them at any moment so like that was really hard for me because like I just left I felt like I kind of like stranded them there um and they kind of it was just kind of like this like tiptoeing around each other for what really really long what's their relationship with your mom um i guess it's like i I guess it's civil.

I guess everyone's relationship with her is pretty civil. I mean, none of us by any means have like a really close relationship with her. None of us go to her for anything. What are your, so I guess, because you're painting this picture of, you know, I mean, it's quite honestly hard for me to relate because it sounds a bit tragic. And so I am sorry you're going through this, but what is your hope, I guess? Because it sounds like you've come to grips with like your mom is just kind of a nightmare

and like no one really gets along with her, including your brothers and your dad. And then you have a slightly more contentious relationship with your mom because of this projection of like you not being the daughter she wanted to be yeah but i guess what is i mean i listen i get it that you haven't given up on maybe having a relationship with your mom is that true or what is your hope i guess what are you trying to at this point what is what do you really want is it just stability with your brothers in your in your father? Is it the hopes of a relationship with your mom? Like, what's your goal? I guess like, truly, I don't really know what I want when it

comes to my mom. Um, a lot of it I do for my dad and my brothers, because it like, it truly just like kills my dad, that like, there's not like stability for all of us and I know that it's like harder on him than any of us so like any effort that I do make it really is like for them so truly for me like I actually don't know what I want when it comes to my relationship with my mom I know that like I for sure don't want to like just like cut her off because I am young I mean I'm only 22 and like I do have hope that like I guess she'll like maybe come around one day um yeah like I am so young that like I do want to have a family one day and I don't want like my kids one day to be like why like why don't you talk to your mom you know like stuff like that

so I guess like I know that I don't want to like completely cut her out of my life but I guess like my quote my like my main question is like where do I even start like I don't I don't want to like completely cut her out of my life, but I guess like my, my, like my main question is like, where do I even start? Like, I don't, I don't even know like where to start. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I, you know, what, what, I mean, I've had, I've, it's hard for me because I've, I've had, I've been very blessed with, you know, parents I've had always had a pretty good relationship with. I mean, there are, you know, no parents are perfect. And certainly as I've gotten older, even the perfect parents, like parents always kind of fuck up their kids a little bit in some way. Like, even if you have amazing parents, it's just you, every parent's projecting a little bit. And then you kind of

grow up and you're just like, man, my parents, they taught me some crazy shit back when I was a kid, you know? So like, you're not alone there. But that being said, I've always had a really great relationship with my family. And you're telling the story of what sounds to be incredibly toxic. I mean, your mom sounds very toxic, quite honestly. I mean, you know, I guess we're only getting your side, so to speak, but she sounds fairly miserable. I don't know.

And so there's only so much you can control when it comes to her, but she sounds fairly miserable. I don't know. And so there's only so much you can control when it comes to her, you know, for in your case, for your own, you know, mental health or just happiness. I think maybe you just kind of have to get to a point. And again, I say this, not being really able to relate to you or, and, and know what you're going through, um, is, you know, try to just focus on what you do have.

And then while it sucks that your brother is overseas, hopefully you from time to time can still communicate with him. Uh, I'm assuming you also have like friends and while he is your closest person, you know, um, it's always, you always kind of reconnect with,

as you grow older, you will, your brother will always be your best friend, means your brother, right? But you'll maybe form closer relationships with friends too, you know, and just kind of connect with them and find the people in your life to kind of fill the void that your mother unfortunately isn't happening. And when it comes to your mother, what can you do? I mean, it might just be one of those things where you just have to let her know that you're

not going to back down. You know, my grandma who just passed away, RIP, wonderful grandmother, but you know, my mom and her had a somewhat contentious relationship. And I kind of remember now as I've gotten older, but when I was younger and my grandma was very controlling and very good at shaming and very kind of in her own way, manipulative with my mom. It was kind of back in the day. I feel like that's kind of how my mom did. Yeah, my mom had the same relationship with her mom. Yeah. And it was just, I remember as a young kid, a lot of fighting between my grandma

and my mom. And my mom loves my grandma and they were very close in in my adult life but i think sometimes parents are used to the power they have over their kids and and so kind of their their their playbook is to kind of judge and shame because it's like well i'm gonna i'm i'm not mad i'm just disappointed kind of thing yeah um now that you're an adult she probably you know you're she's only a few, few years removed from, you know, the 15, 14 year old, 16 year old girl that she was still very much the mother of. And I think not knowing your mother or like kind of this very interesting dynamic, it might just be over time, her having to decide, do I want a relation with my kids or not?

Because my daughter clearly is, this is who she's going to be. And then I think it's kind of always putting your foot down with your mom saying, you can either accept me for who I am and love me or you are not, but this is who I am. And not allow her to make you feel guilty or ashamed. I wouldn't ever put up with it. I wouldn't listen to the criticism or judgment that she throws your way

if there's backhanded compliment, backhanded like this thing she says or little digs. I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't stand your ground. And I think in a way, I mean, you're kind of describing, and I apologize if I'm being harsh, you're describing your mom as a bit of a bully, you know? And regardless if it's your mom or not, the only way to kind of face a bully is to let them know that they can intimidate you. Were you happier the year you weren't talking to her? Yeah, honestly. Yeah, honestly, I feel really bad when I say things like that.

But my dad has asked me that before. He's like, well, you see, now you guys are talking. And it's not like we're talking. We keep it very cordial. Sure. We see each other and it's just like we're talking like we keep it very cordial sure um you know we see each other and it's and it's just like hey like have you been like blah blah blah he's like we'll see like aren't things better this way and i'm like i mean in all honesty no yeah i was i truly was happier the year that like i didn't talk to her i think you have to do what makes you the healthiest mentally. And so you can live your full life and,

and not worry so much, you know, you, you, yeah, your dad will be sad and that's unfortunate, but you, at the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you.

I, yeah, I, if anything, I just kind of to echo what Rochelle said, I don't try not to feel like this is your cross to bear or your burden, or like that somehow you're responsible to make the family. Okay.

I would remind yourself that this family drama that might feel almost like your fault because you know what I'm saying? Like it's not, I mean, clearly your mom is based on what you're telling us a bit of a, I don't know. She's kind of a nightmare. Well,

she sounds like she feels bad about herself. is based on what you're telling us a bit of a i don't know she's kind of a nightmare well she sounds like she feels bad about herself so then she's projecting that onto her daughter like whatever the reason it's just not your fault yeah you know and so it's not your cross to bear and i just if you want a relationship with your mother you know by all means work on that but don't feel like it's your responsibility and And other than just being sad about not having a relationship with your mother, which everyone obviously would want, it sounds like you've made it clear you want one. And she's made it clear that she wants it only on her very strict terms. And that is being literally a different person and doing everything that she

wants. I mean, at this point, you're an adult, you know, you have the right to do whatever the fuck you want. And, you know, your parents, I'm sure try their, as all parents do, you know, for the 18 years you're in your house, they're going to, they're certainly going to try to mold you the way they hope that you are. And hopefully they give you good morals and whatever. And sometimes they, like we talked about kind of overstep their boundaries, but once you're an adult, that's kind of like, it's on you. Now it's your life to mold for yourself. And,

and hopefully everyone is lucky enough to have parents that their parents on, at the end of the day, we'll just love them, you know, for who, who they decide to be. But, you know,

unfortunately that's not always the case, but it's not your burden. And I just try not to feel like you have to cross that, bear that cross. I just think, you know what you can do with your mom I'm not going to be that much help other than the fact that I think you should stay on your ground and and recognize that your mom's a bit of a bully and treat and respond the way you would any bully well I I struggle with my relationship with my mom too and I think it's because her mom treated her so poorly but so I'm in therapy and I work on like setting boundaries I'm like mom you're not I won't let you talk about

like my body or my weight like that's just you're not allowed to do that you're not allowed to talk about my career in a negative way like I've tried to set boundaries and then like she just she constantly just ignores the boundaries that I set so then you have to set boundaries and then like she just she constantly just ignores the boundaries that i set so then you have to go back and reevaluate but you know boundaries are a really good tool when you're working with your mom but if if she's not responsive then yeah it's like it's in like it's in one year in your own like just right out the other how do you deal with that when you try to do you know like the right thing of setting your boundaries and you're like i mean again i you can speak to this much better than i can in terms of like how

do you persevere knowing that you have this uh desire to have this relationship with your mom i have a deep deep deep deep desire like for me cutting my mom out would like destroy me because i don't know why i just like couldn't like I'm starting to cry just thinking about it like I could never do that and like I've worked like I keep trying to um talk to her and explain to her and I do think she's starting to understand more when I when I talk to her which for me is good like I think you have definitely a more extreme um example but like my therapist always reminds me that she's doing the best she can. This is truly

the best she can and that she does love you and she thinks she is doing the right thing for you. So it's like I love her in spite of

maybe the harmful comments that she makes about me. But Oh, that's tough. It's very tough. It's very tough. So I really feel for you. Yeah. And she's like and my So I really feel for you. Yeah.

And she's like, and my mom is just like her mom. Yeah, exactly. It's just a lot of trauma. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, my mom, I love my mom, but I will say like, yeah, I mean, you know, certainly my mom has some of my grandma on her. My mom's not a shamer, though.

She's very accepting and loving. And, but there's, you know, and again, no parent are, even the perfect ones aren't, aren't perfect.

Um, but yeah, I, I feel for you and, and, um, you know, obviously it makes me feel lucky to have the parents I have,

but, um, you know, it's, it's tough. I mean, I, I couldn't,

I couldn't imagine. I'm so lucky to like, where my mom falls like i truly have the best dad and the best brothers in the world and so like yeah i feel like i yeah and yeah and that's obviously not everyone is lucky to even have that and uh yeah stay close with your brother as much as you can while he's serving the merit military town thank you for us by the way and you know maybe it's a good chance to connect with your other brother yeah you know just try to find bonds in your life you're gonna have various relationships nothing is and don't feel like you're trying to replace the one with your mom

too i mean i don't know again maybe like you're better at speaking this than i am in terms of is it more just about acceptance kind of you're saying of like acceptance but also like not letting her i i won't let her talk to me in a certain way anymore because it really affects me negatively so it's a combination that's what i mean what i mean by accepting yeah it does really like affect because like the i've let her talk to me so poorly for such a long time so then you start like i would let other people talk to me so poorly for such a long time. So then you start talking. Like I would let other people talk to me so poorly for such a long time. And then like I would stay in relationships where I was talked to so poorly for such a long time just because like I was like, well, like this is normal.

Like this is how people talk to me. And like for such a long time, like I thought that was normal. Yeah. Yeah. Don't do that. Yeah. And what I meant by acceptance is the, like I said, the cross to bear of like accepting that this is the relationship you have exactly

she's not evil she's not evil and and not trying to do more than you even like there's only so much you can do and I'm assuming that early on and maybe you feel like you are overcompensating and and trying to you're doing like 90 it feels like maybe you were trying to do 90 of the relationship with your mom you know like and that's what i mean accepting that like there's only so much you can do and then not feeling that burden or yeah you know because i feel like that not having done it i feel like that can be very heavy yeah and i love what nick said like it's not your responsibility to keep the family together so gotta let that go and then you're you know and your family loves you um your mom and her own, obviously, way.

But, you know, it's tough, I feel for you. But stay strong and try not to, you know, lift weight that is not yours to lift. And over time, you know, I think. Yeah, who knows? People change. They do. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you're only 22. So, like, your mom, like, you know, Rochelle's older than you, and she's still working on, you know, that relationship. And I can tell you, my mom's relationship with her grandma, I mean, it wasn't maybe until, you know, that even changed. You know, my grandma was different when she was 22. Yeah. She was 40 yeah and 50 and you know it's it's exactly that's kind of like a temptation just to like cut her off right now like it'd be so easy to just like cut her off and just like you know let it be what it

is but i am so young and she is so young but you can't like don't think of it as cut off sometimes maybe thinking of it as like a timeout yeah face you know like yeah keep that window and door open but just don't feel like you have to put yourself in a toxic environment. Exactly. You know, keep the doors open and just say, like, I just need to remove myself temporarily from this thing because it's not, because right now it's not a healthy thing. Maybe in the future, you know? Yeah, that makes sense.

So, well, thanks for calling and thanks for sharing. I know it's tough but uh we appreciate it and best of luck thank you guys bye bye yeah parents huh parents will fuck you up man yeah it's like i i'm not a parent i hope to be obviously but like even in la you you you know and it was social you see everyone's parenting methods and in la it's certainly a little bit more uh progressive and it's just like and then uh you know some of the new parent parenting styles you think that maybe that's a better way and then sometimes you'd see you wonder man is this parent going too far and it's you know it's like but we as parents

man it's it's it's you can just basically try not to fuck up your kid. And even then, it's hard. It's hard to be a parent, I'm sure. And I think kind of to your point, all parents are trying to do what they think is best. That's what my therapist always says. Everybody's doing their best. Yeah. And sometimes their best is misguided and wrong.

And that comes from years of, like, yeah, I mean, like in the grandma before them. I know, who knows what she was like. She only knows. And it's tough because as kids, I mean, I revered my parents and we all do, you know, and it's so hard to think of your parents in a different way and accept that maybe they're not the deities that you once thought they were, but yet they still are your parents and there's a level of respect you should and always have. But like, you know, not disappointing. I don't know. I've been very lucky and I don't forget that while my parents are not perfect, they've never made me feel like I didn't have their love and acceptance.

And I'm very lucky to have that because I know that's not always the case. How's it going? Hey, I'm Kate. I'm 22. How are you? I'm good, Kate. Thanks for asking. How can we help? So, I have a really, really good friend. I would say he's one of my best friends. And I'm starting to wonder if I possibly, maybe, potentially have feelings for him.

Why? What's changed? I don't know what's changed. I've known him for a couple years. But recently, like, I've been dating around. And I find that every time I'm on these dates or with these guys, I wish I was talking to him instead. Okay. So.

Have you broached this subject with him? No. At all? No. That's something that he and I just don't talk about uh relationships with each other that's never been a topic that we've touched and i don't know the reasoning behind that um is he is he single is he dating someone no he's single is he talked to you about other women? Maybe when we first met, like barely. Like it would come up in passing, but that was back when we first met. And now it's just a really, really solid friendship.

We talk every day, all day. But we've never actually broached the topic of people, um, people that we're interested in right now. Is your, and it is your question kind of like, what should I do? Should I take a week? Yeah. Or,

you know, I'm like petrified of ruining this friendship. I don't know if either of you have ever been in a situation like this. Um, like I value this friendship so much, but at the same time I can't date other people cause I can't get them out of my mind. Well,

one thing I thought was interesting in your email is that you said, I'll just read it. Without sounding super conceited, this is something my friends have told me, not that I think it of myself. Is it possible that as a woman in engineering, a varsity track athlete, and ambitious career goals that guys may be intimidated? And he thinks that I would never be interested in him because i never talk about guys around him i thought that was kind of an interesting subject this guy said this to you no she no other friends have her friends have said she might be intimidating to guys your other female friends yes and i do think i've heard that a lot of women thinking they are intimidating i've i've yes i've certainly heard that a lot yes women

think that yeah i just don't think uh that's generally the case i do think different men are attracted to different types of women you know so there might be some time you might feel like misunderstood you know as a woman in a very male dominated industry or as a woman who is an athlete. Men might correctly or incorrectly perceive you to be less demure or less ladylike. That may or may not be true. Right. And so you might face some like unfair perceptions and then maybe you are like not as dainty or as other women and some guys are like are into not right so i think it's more a preference not necessarily intimidation

do you think that would be a reason a guy wouldn't date someone i mean i can only speak for myself but i i again i've always been very attracted to motivated and intelligent women I like uniqueness so like a girl who was an engineer the fact that she was an engineer the job itself would I would find to be neat now I don't know what it's like to if I dated someone as analytical as me that I don't know that could that itself could be an issue but the idea wouldn't bother me. What's funny, on Hinge, the question that – on Hinge asks these questions that you have to answer, and one of them is, I'm strangely attracted to – and they fill it in, and they always say intelligent women.

I'm strangely attracted to intelligent women. I'm like, why is that strange? I think that's probably a cultural thing, don't you think? I guess, but. I think it's kind of a men. And I also sometimes think it's men thinking they're going to like sound woke, but also they end up sounding shallow. You know, it's just like, you know what?

I don't just want to have sex with the hot chick. I'm not just physically attracted. I also respect your intelligence. You know, like I think they think this is an opportunity to sound like they're more open-minded and it kind of comes across as the opposite. But you don't think because a woman is successful that that's like a reason why guys wouldn't like her.

Listen, I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there. We still, you know, we still have a long way to go despite our progress. I do still, you know, we still have a long way to go despite our progress. I do think, you know, men, some men might feel emasculated by a confident woman in the working world. I don't know. I can't speak for all men. That's certainly the case.

I just also think in general, more often to not, when women friends tell their other women friends, oh, he's scared or he's intimidated yeah they're projecting like your guys you just you're i find that women are really good at helping each other make excuses of oh guys this might not be into you yeah you know um so just be careful that way as far as this particular guy i mean we've talked about this a little bit on the other show it's just like you going to just have to decide at some point, is it really worth the risk? If you do have feelings for him, and I've said this before,

then eventually this relationship is going to end. You know, it's like he's going to meet some girl and she's going to sense that you're in love with them and she's going to have, it's just going to be weird, right? Or eventually you will just get tired of having feelings for this guy you're not with. And, you know, you're just going to get exhausted. That might be three or five years from now. It might be a year or six months.

So I'm just of the opinion, if you truly think that you have feelings for him, then go for it. And maybe at the other, the only, the flip side of that is we talk about boredom a lot, you know, are you just kind of bored, you know, or are you, have you convinced yourself you have feelings for him because you've been on a series of like not great dates and he's like, you just enjoy his company. But what I'd ask you is what stopped you from having feelings for him when you first met him? You know, why wasn't he a guy that you met and go, who's this guy? You know, like, I'm curious

about that. Because for me, and maybe this is a guy thing, I don't know, or maybe this is a me thing. To me, I pretty much know off the bat, like, am I excited? In terms of a potential partner versus like, what a neat person I enjoy spending time with. And I, you know what I'm saying? Like, and then I get to know them and, and like where there's a connection and I just enjoy hanging out with them regardless of their gender.

And so we become friends. And so I'm curious to you is what, why, why wasn't there an instant spark on your part that you think you feel now? He was seeing somebody. Oh, so you just didn't. Well, yeah, but people might be seeing all the time.

And I think to myself, so when you found out he was seeing someone, were you immediately disappointed? I wouldn't say disappointed. I just never considered it as an option. That's hard for me to relate to because if I met a girl, and again, regardless of not knowing anything about her, I'd be like, oh, who's Becky?

Oh, Becky has a boyfriend. It was a very long-term relationship for him. It was never in the question. I'm just saying regardless when you met him, when you meet anyone, especially the opposite sex, you have an immediate reaction, whatever that might be. And a lot of people, when they meet someone, and it might just be like oh who is this person i don't know you're just a naturally i mean often it's a physical attraction of being like oh and then you learn a little bit about and you're just kind of like oh damn it they have a and there's an immediate disappointment and then or or not or they're single and and you're like you kind of figure it out

and i'm just i guess what i'm saying is if you really have feelings for him eventually you're gonna have to shoot your shot but the only thing to be mindful of is really kind of sess out are are you just bored you know um is it there or are you getting discouraged about your dating life in general and therefore he's just conveniently there. And not that you don't value him and he isn't a great guy, but I'm curious as to what's changed other than, you know, I get that you think about him. So I don't really have an answer why.

Only you can answer that question in terms of your feelings. But let me pivot my question then and say, if I were to broach a topic with him, is there a way I can do it if the answer's no without completely ruining the friendship? Yes. Maybe.

Okay, I've asked a lot of my guy friends out and they've said no and a lot of my friends have asked me out and I've said no and we're all still friends. We are. It's just how you react. It's how you react if he rejects you

is if you're just like oh cool you know i just had to shoot my shot you know if you're very very chill after they reject you it's like fine yes it's kind of on you to rachelle's point like there's no magic word of how you ask it's how you respond if you don't get the answer you want yeah and you maybe and if you have to take a time out a few days away and avoid the awkwardness because the more you make it awkward they'll feel guilty and weird but if you can be chill and and accept it and then move on and and and you act the same way you did before then then yes, then you have a shot. And most likely, he will... I mean, listen, I've had female friends that are platonic, and they didn't necessarily

put themselves out there, but there was a thought of like, God, why haven't we stopped hanging out? And there's been sadness and disappointment. My point is, he must value your friendship, right? So he's not going to want to lose you as a friend it's only going to happen if he gets past it so i agree with the shell like i can get past it if if with if with my female friends because i never wanted to have sex with them in the first place so as long as they like can be cool i can be cool too but sometimes they can't be cool so it's really on you. Okay. Go for it. Thank you.

Yeah. It sounds like you want to go for it. You're smiling when you think about it. Smiling nonstop. Yeah. Um. Ugh. Yeah.

Just the, and while there's no magic thing you can say, the, the, the chiller, the chiller you can be. Oh yeah. Even when you ask the question. No big deal. Confident, but you, but just be like, I'm going to be honest. And just put it out there, man.

That's the only way to do it. Just kind of rip that bandit off and kind of be like, listen, if you don't, that's fine. Give us an update when you ask about what happens. For sure. Okay, just email. Maybe. All right. Maybe. Have a good day, thanks for calling best of luck i like when you came up with your theoretical girl crush her name is becky sounded fun you don't see a lot of becky becky's usually the bad one becky with the

good hair she's a becky becky like like like bad one like a chad as a guy yeah have you ever had a chad that's not a just a dick uh i've met some hot chads oh i'm not saying chads aren't hot they're just assholes i met some dumb chads yeah i feel like i feel like that hot and uh i mean you know the the on the constant uh crossing that ladder. Oh, man. Taking the leap. Yeah. I think you eventually just have to, I feel like you eventually have to take the leap, but you should always wonder if you really want to.

I do think sometimes people get bored. Oh. That's why I'm just curious. And again, everyone's different. Everyone falls for people differently. You think they just destroy their friendship because of boredom? No, i'm just curious and again everyone's different everyone falls for people differently but they just destroy their friendship because of boredom no i'm just thinking okay two people start being friends and let's say in this in a fictitious scenario it is a mutually platonic friendship there's no like one person's accepted that the other person has a girlfriend whatever

yeah they're just true good friends i'm always curious is and then one person develops feelings i'm curious is why didn't that happen in the first place um and so you know and so and i think some people are diamonds in the rough maybe i'm not saying it's not possible but i do we always talk i mean shit this entire like show is about people being discouraged about dating and so when you get discouraged about dating it's kind of easy to be like well fuck you're here but i don't think it's so bad about that no i'm not saying it is bad but we oh we always do things we wouldn't normally do when we're bored oh yeah and i or we don't get discouraged and i sometimes wonder what would

you do if like if the guy you liked three weeks ago liked you back yeah you know i'm just i think it's worth asking yourself the question before you put yourself out there yeah but she seemed obviously very excited about him oh my god she was could not stop yeah so oh my goodness but intimid that thing about like oh he's just intimidated by me i don't think that is true it's not let's stop saying that stop making excuses for why some people might not be into you yeah it's not because you're too great it's not or he's not scared he's not scared he's not scared at all you're not too perfect for him to handle you're not too strong or independent you are maybe strong and independent, but like, nah. How's it going?

Hey, I'm McKenna, 23. McKenna, 23. How are you? Really good. Thanks for asking. How are you, Rochelle? Me? Yeah.

Oh, good. Great. Everyone's great. How can we help, McKenna? So I kind of have two problems um my first problem is a little bit more like overarching with my relationships and then my second problem is more like what's happening today let's uh let's start with the second with a second okay so my second problem is that i matched this this guy on Tinder about, I don't know, a month and a half ago. Okay.

And he's this gorgeous French model. France. And we've been dating for about a month and a half now. But the problem is that he's moving back to France next month. So it's kind of hard because we both have expressed like deep feelings, but he doesn't want to really take things like to a serious level because he's leaving. So yeah, makes sense. Makes sense. Yeah, obviously.

But I guess I'm just really scared because first of all, he's the most attractive person I've ever been with. And I don't really want to like lose that but also I'm scared to lose him because I feel like maybe it could be like a cover up that's kind of like covering up the fact that I'm hurt from like my past relationships

and it's like a nice little distraction right now so yeah well that's honest in terms of uh what's going on here i mean in correct me if i'm wrong it sounds like ever since you met uh french guy french hottie uh it's all been very exciting you know yeah right i mean the fact that you met is his name jacques, whatever. What's his name? It's not Jacques.

But he has a strong French sexy accent. Yeah. I mean, yeah, and he walked in Paris Fashion Week, so, like, he's not, like... He's very suave and... Yeah, this is very exciting. Like, you... Yeah.

It's, like, on another level that I've never really experienced before. Someone walked up to you and and gave you a keys to a ferrari and said oh you drive it for a while you know not forever not forever but uh i'm not using it right now um wait but is he good and better just hot because that's a common problem so rochelle that's also my other problem is that like, at first he wanted to have sex and I was like, not really about it. Cause I do that with people that I'm serious about, whatever.

So I shut it down and then we got to know each other more and then I wanted to, but then he's, he's shutting me down now. Like I care about you too much. So have you, have you had sex with him? We've had sex like once, but it did not last long because he freaked out. And he's only had sex with one other girl. So he's also kind of like freaked out about it. How old is Frenchie?

He's 21. Okay. So he's younger than me. No, I know. I can do math. Oh, no. It's a Ferrari that doesn't drive very well and you've been hurt before in past relationships yes yeah that's kind of going into like my overarching problem is that I've like for the last six years I've been in three two-year relationships that

have all ended like within a month of the second anniversary so I'm kind of feeling like I'm like unlovable past two years but besides that all of them started as kind of a rebound so I'm like this French guy I feel like I want to take it to the next level maybe because that's like a pattern that I've had in the past you're you're a monkey swinging from one vine to another uh i know you're 23 you've had three two-year relationships that puts you at like 16 uh since you've been you've been like you have no business having that many boyfriends for that much of your life as a 23 year old. I mean, you know, and, and you're hanging on to baggage that you had as like a 16,

17 year old. I mean, God, I mean, no doubt that when you, when you connect with someone that young, those feelings are very real and genuine, but at the same time,

it is certainly not, uh, like a relationship you should do much comparing to, you know, other than the fact that those feelings, I'm no doubt feel very real and are real but um don't hang on to to to the baggage of like two like newbies not knowing what the fuck they're doing trying to figure out life at the same time dating and then and anyway hang on to that baggage you clearly need some time maybe for yourself and you're so

used and here you are you know at 23 and again probably feel like this is when i planned on settling down and you have all these built-in expectations and you've been trying to literally probably find a life partner since you were a teenager um so yes it's it's good that you seem to be aware that maybe there's an issue there there's nothing wrong with this french hottie fun thing you're doing yeah but be realistic about it you know it seems like he is like in my head i'm like will i ever find another 10 again listen the 10s are usually not good in bed. I'm going to come out and say that. I'm going to come out and say that.

They are too. They've had an easy life. They're used to everyone doing things for them. They're not. This is, you'll learn this. I'm making this all about me right now. I'm wondering, does Michelle think I'm not a physical 10? Or therefore, can she just assuming I'm bad in bed?

I'm just making this about me. I love that you're like, oh, I'm obviously a 10. in bed i'm just making this about me i love that you're like oh i'm obviously a 10 no i'm just wondering i just i'm i'm being narcissistic oh god um i think there's there's certainly some truth to that yes there's a lot of truth there's i've met a lot of even like i haven't slept with any men but i've met a lot of good-looking guys i mean be going on the bachelorette for the first time was my really kind of awareness of meeting all these seemingly attractive guys and then having a conversation with them and being like, yeah, you're not a threat at all. You know, just like they're weird or awkward or they're not charming. To Rochelle's point, a pretty guy is, you know. Fun to look at.

Fun to look at. And maybe you'll get lucky with he's also charming and good at bed but don't stick it out with a guy he's just fun to look at also there's plenty of model dudes you're a beautiful gorgeous you're a beautiful woman um and um yeah you are only 23 and i to rochelle's point you definitely uh as you get older and assuming you don't end up with Frenchie that you're going to look back and kind of laugh at this deep fear and desire

that you both have of like maintaining this you know I mean even like a Ferrari you know if we're going to use the car metaphor

yeah you know Ferraris are fun for a while but then they just become really impractical and inconvenient especially like if you live in a city

it's just like oh god maybe that Honda Civic you know you'd enjoy it more. Yeah, it's way more of a comfortable ride, you know? So, yeah, as far as what you can do in this moment, clearly you've made him feel a lot of pressure.

And the fact that if he's guilt and he's young, he's inexperienced, and he's just probably in some ways intimidated by you you know you're older i mean dating at 21 if i were dating a 23 year old woman would be intimidating who's had serious boy yeah he's had serious boyfriends and so he's just like i don't know i just seems a little if you just want to have fun with the ferrari and take it for a spin just you know have some fun and if you don't like i should tell you so last week we were like in his car fooling around or whatever and i just like went out and said like i love you first oh god oh no yeah i know it was really scary because i was like i I don't even know if he likes me. And then he said it back.

And after that, he's been pushing me away, which is super confusing because I'm like, all right, if we both feel that, then... It's not that confusing. I mean, again, I'm not saying he doesn't love you or not, but it wouldn't be shocking to me if you said, I love you. you and in the moment it just felt like the easiest thing to say back and i don't doubt he likes you and he's not into you and he's probably also caught up in the moment of just meeting this hot american woman who's two years older than him and he's just like it's fun but uh he might be in but my point is i think you've applied way too much pressure on this kid. You are, you're getting caught up in this kind of love affair. And instead of being practical about what it is, the fact that he lives in France, and it's just, you know, probably highly unlikely that this is going to work out.

And if it did, you know, being, again, more casual about it and saying, listen, you're really great and you're just probably not going to work out and if it did you know being again more casual about it saying listen you're really great and you're just probably not going to work out and accepting that like if it were to work out you guys are going to have to like it's going to be a different thing not falling in love with them and having a romeo and juliet love affair i mean minus like the death at the end but like this kind of throwing caution to the wind it sounds exciting it's fun to think about but i think you're trying to have this kind of rom-com relationship and and and it's not very practical meanwhile you're probably kind of wrecking this thing that you have with them by applying so much pressure to something

that should just be like a fun love affair that you'll think back and think that was really fun uh yeah what do i do now do i how when is he moving when is he moving when is he moving next month i mean stop saying i love stop saying i love you uh okay you know just be like you know what you should say, listen, I'm not saying I didn't mean what I said, but obviously we got caught up in the moment and I know this much. What I want to do with you is enjoy you for the time that we have and let's just have fun and whatever that means. Maybe it's going to movies. Maybe it's means getting physical, but like, let's just enjoy the time we have together and we'll worry

about the future when the future comes but i don't want to stress out about this thing and and build it up into something that it's not and then you're going to spend three months like you know being stressed out about something that we all know how this is going to end it's going to end with him moving home right you know the ending you know if there's a part two then who knows we don't sometimes when they make movies we don't know they're gonna make a sequel until a couple years later you know so right now just know that this movie's gonna end and so and you're gonna be alone for a little bit and you gotta be okay with that yeah when he does move, be fucking single. Yeah. Hot second. I'll try it out.

I don't really know what that's like, but I, I, I know I can tell. Um, and, and, you know, you're a pretty girl and,

and you know, it's probably not hard for you to find guys who are attracted to you, especially the early attraction. Uh, and you have this built in expectation of always being good enough to always have someone but like because everyone's human after a while people get sick of everyone's bullshit and they break up i mean and thank god you broke up with your first and second boyfriend i mean i you know i'm sorry if it hurt but like you want to be married at you know like right now i don't know maybe you do and

i don't want to knock anyone up married at 22 but also if you had been married you would never have gotten to caress that chiseled jawline right thank you very much rochelle that's great you know you'd have been stuck driving a minivan this ferrari would have driven by my god that would have been fun and now you know you know and that's i think a good lesson to learn is that, like, sometimes being single opens doors for fun experience that you can look back and have fun. And when the time comes for you to be in a relationship, hopefully you'll have had this experience so you can really appreciate the relationship you're in and being in the moment. But you're trying to kind of do two things at once. And I think you just need to chill out a little bit. And don't always be a slave to the

moment. Try to have some perspective about being practical and just enjoying the time that you have. Because I mean, I don't want to tease, but let's think about how cliche this kind of story is. And it's fun. Man, how awesome for you to have this experience, right? Like this is fun. You're going to tell this story years from now. And that's great. And that's part of life. But like falling in love with the French guy and, you know, we're in love.

And so he's just not going to move. And, you know, like, come on. I know my friends joke. They're like, how many people can say they're French kids to French guy I'm like yeah I mean more than you think but uh millions um six packs though they don't keep you warm at night you know they can't I don't know why we hate on six packs yeah um yes uh you'll get you'll have plenty of hotties yes and you're like he won't be the only hot guy you do yeah definitely not and you may not want to end up with the hottest guy you've

ever dated yeah to Rochelle's point you know um looks do fade you know some some less than others. I mean, not mine. I'm just kidding. I was just really being vain right now. You're going to be fine. Don't waste the last month and a half or whatever it is you have with this guy trying to marry him. Have some fun. Whatever that may be. Because right now you're missing out on just an enjoyable time and some maybe potentially good memories. Okay. And then when he does leave, just be alone for like six months at least.

That sounds so sad. It's not sad. It's not sad. It's not sad. It's not sad and you will be thankful you did and you'll have more fun experiences. Okay. All right. Get to know some people you know when you have this urge to say i love you to someone just keep it to yourself and get to know them i mean listen like you're you this is an excitement infatuation you don't know this person

you know you don't know frenchie um you love being around them. And for the first, you know, just love will evolve for you. So let it evolve. Okay. All right. All right. Thank you. Enjoy it while you have it. I will.

All right. Bye. Thanks. Hard to, you know, those are always, you know, it's hard not to sound condescending or like a know-it-all or whatever i i am currently uh reading gary's book in preparation for him being on the show it's very good and he just tells these stories about life and a lot of them are anecdotal and funny but a lot of it is this like perspective of like how it opens with um you know just like he wanted to do the peace corps and i was at like 22 yeah and he didn't do it because it was like well it was a two-year

commitment oh i know it was like i can't last year i was like three years i can't two years i can't i can't do that's that's that's my entire life and i remember that feeling we all do and then he talks about how like how two years went by like that and he entire life and i remember that feeling we all do and then he talks about how like how two years went by like that and he thought to myself i've literally done nothing i could have just been in the peace corps yeah oh you know i only bring that up because it's just like you know um you just you won't realize that until later on and so uh it's great if you're in a relationship and when you're not it can be equally great because you can experience other things yeah i i dated this guy who was the hottest guy in my college then when i moved out here we started like dating and i was like freaking out the whole time i'm

like this is the hottest guy this is the hottest guy i'll ever like get and i was like and he treated me so so bad but i was like but he's the hottest guy and looking back i'm like yeah what an idiot you really like you kind of admitted to yourself and everyone like oh yeah he's hot i was like look at him i don't care he couldn't have been worse to me Was he that hot looking back? I mean, now that I've lived in LA, you're like every other person is like the hottest guy you've ever seen. What I'm saying is like you clearly like met him,

thought he was hot when you first met him. And then he only got hotter in your head by like kind of being not having him. And then you got him and it was just like. He stayed hot. Okay. He didn't disappoint. No, I'm not saying, i'm sure he was attractive but like you talk about him as if in the moment you were like well now i'd be like no yeah yeah that's what i'm saying yeah exactly yeah sure he

was hot yeah but not not so much that he could be kind of infallible from being like a terrible partner. Yeah. But that just kind of comes with time. It really does. You know, often when we're younger, we have this fear of things not happening again or missing out or whatever. And then we end up like, you know, and we only to come that, like if you just are open to it all kind of happen.

Yeah. Be aware of happen. Yeah. Be aware of being the cliche. Hi, I'm Kristen and I'm 30. Kristen, who's 30. So nice for you to call in. I'm wonderful.

I'm Nick. This is Rochelle. How can we help? Hi guys. Hi. Hi. What's your question? What's your question,

Christian? So, so yeah, thanks for having me on. So I figured I'd give you guys a little bit of context first really quickly and then jump into my question, if that works. Wonderful. So basically, my question is around my current relationship and my relationship with one

of my best friends. So currently, I've been with my boyfriend since last April. So about a year and a half, um, we have a really great relationship. It's semi long distance cause he lives about an hour ish away from me. So we kind of do the back and forth thing every weekend. Um, my family loves him. My friends love him. Um, we've had like a really great relationship so far. So I have this one friend who I've been super close with over the last five years. I've known her forever. And she's made since the beginning, like little comments, like little digs here and there.

But I always thought like maybe I'm just being too oversensitive. Like maybe it's just in my head. But then this past summer, I threw a 30th birthday for him. All of his friends and his family and my friends and family came and it was an awesome time and I was super excited about it. And then the next day I found out I was talking to my sister and she said, hey, what was going on with so-and-so? And I said, I don't know, what are you talking about?

And so she said, you know, she came up to me at the party and, you know, she was saying all these things and, you know, asking, are you making the right choice with him? Like, are you comparing him to like other situations I've been in? And just like all this inappropriate stuff that probably shouldn't have been said at his birthday. So my sister was very taken aback. Didn't really confront it at the time, but then confronted her a couple of days later over text, just saying, you know, I was kind of shocked. We all love him. Not sure where this came from. Like, just want you to know, like, this would be really hurtful to Kristen if she knew. So she came back and said, you know,

really appreciate you reaching out. Didn't really own that it was inappropriate and just said, you know, I'm just being a protective friend. So didn't really like apologize or anything like that. So that, so my question is kind of, since then I've had this weird kind of tension with her. We don't really talk as regularly. and i'm wondering is it a lost cause at this point or do you have any advice moving forward um sure um and this friend she's married yes yes she is yep um just got married last year just got married last year uh what do you think of her husband i like him a lot we've been really close um i was super close with them prior to them getting married and then like

throughout their relationship we spent a ton of time together and they seemingly have a healthy and happy relationship i think so as far as i know okay um has she always been a bit of a judgy person? Kind of. Okay. I would say so. Yeah, I mean, and she was like your best friend forever. You guys were always close. Yeah, yeah.

Have you grown slowly apart over time? Or is this out of nowhere? I think over the past year, because i've been kind of in between you know different cities essentially it's been harder to make time but also at the same time with her being married and having you know other things going on too it's been harder for us to connect sure and then and you're so just it sounds like you you're very happy with your your boyfriend uh what are some of i just had a curiosity what are some of the things that she complained about um well i think one of the biggest things is just like the distance between us um so he lives in kind of a more um country area and i live you know closer to the city and she has a problem with that

but you don't i don't really um because it's you know it's not that far um in city versus like suburbs isn't like a big deal to me i guess question without maybe too specific is there anything about what she said minus the fact that it hurt that she said it at his birthday or she said it behind your back is there anything specific that she said about your relationship with him that resonated with you or that you were in fact even though you might think he's a great guy kind of you kind of agreed with or she completely just off base like it just seemed really off base without like knowing or being as close to our relationship as like,

I would assume she would want to be. And I think it's just one of those things where like we had talked for years about, you know, living in the same city, being around and kind of doing everything together. And now that that's not how it's necessarily working out right now. Yeah.

Maybe it's coming from there yeah i mean so i might just want to ask all these questions because i don't really know sometimes people have a way of projecting like my first thought was maybe she like who knows she could be she just got married and maybe she's kind of slightly regretting it so she's projecting that onto you about like maybe you being right uh in a relationship she could just be kind of one of those nosy bored people know-it-alls who think she's justified for saying it, any bit of a gossipy, that could be the possibility. Or again, my other thought was, who knows? Maybe there's some things going on in this

relationship that she actually is recognizing and it's just hard to hear on your part. but it sounds like maybe she is just off base here and and if that is the case i think you need to uh you know your sister said something to her right and she acknowledged it but you need to really sit down and talk to her and i think you should say hey listen i really appreciate you as a friend and so as a friend i value the fact that great friends will sometimes tell you the things that you don't necessarily want to hear. That being said, it's not appropriate for you to ever talk about me or my relationship or him behind our backs, especially at a birthday party and gossiping to my sister about a relationship. If you have a problem with what I'm doing as a friend, I want you to

come to me because that's what being a friend is. I just need you to know that I'm super happy in my relationship. I recognize that long distance isn't necessarily ideal, but I'm comfortable with our current situation. And while like, if he ends up being my forever guy, we recognize that things will eventually have to change, but I'm really happy with him. I think he's a great guy. He makes me happy. And that's what's most important. So I hope that you can recognize that because I feel like ever since then we've grown apart. I think you need to have this conversation with her and you need to let her know to have a, you know, because going behind your back feels like she was dishonest. You know, that's not honest. Like she, that's not being a friend. Well, I was just trying to be a friend, but like,

well, no, you were talking shit about my boyfriend and his birthday party. Even if it was to my sister, that's not a friend being a constructive friend, sitting you down at a cup of coffee and saying, Hey, listen, this might seem really awkward, but I just want to be honest. And that even if she's way off base there, at least she has the best intentions of trying to do it in a productive way so that if she is right or she strikes a nerve with you, you can talk about it. But this gossipy approach, that's not being a friend. And I think it's safe. I think it's okay for you to point that out. And it's okay in the future, if she has an issue, to come to you first in an environment that's not making you feel like you're stabbing me or my boyfriend behind the

back, because that just seems wrong. And I'm not okay with that. And if she can't recognize that, then that's not okay. Because she is making this excuse, well, I was just trying to be a friend. And I was just trying to like, look out for you. Fine. If she wants to do that, but not in that way. And you can point out there's a right and a wrong way of doing that. And that is not in fact,

not being a friend. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. But kind of to follow up stuff that the one, what is your perspective on the fact that like, it's been like a couple months now like

will this like i feel like i should have probably had this conversation sooner like will it have the same kind of impact you think and two um what if she doesn't like own it like i said and kind of give me that apology that i feel like i've been looking for well that's up for you do i think it's too late no i mean, if this is someone who's been a lifelong friend, an awkward situation that's kind of gone on too long, like three months isn't the end of the, there's no amount of,

there's no kind of statute of limitations on addressing something that bothers you, right? Right. There really isn't. It's only been a few months. If she doesn't, if you don't get the response that you think you deserve, then at that point, you have to evaluate how much of a... Friends grow apart, you know? If you point out the fact that it was inappropriate for her to talk behind your and his back about your relationship to your

sister without coming to you, and she can't acknowledge that that, regardless of what she thinks is wrong, that's a concern. That's not a friend. That means that she feels justified of being a gossip and talking behind your back. And if that is the case, then that's probably, I wouldn't trust that person. To me, that's not a friend. And so, friends come and go. Sometimes people do change. Sometimes we're friends with people because we've always been friends with them, but they have stopped being actual friends in the future. And sometimes you have to cut your losses. She might have been a great friend and that might have been, you know,

having a great single friend is great because your friend's simply because it's fun to go out. You enjoy going to the same places. You like the same movies. You dated the friends who are guys that was convenient to hang out with. But sometimes that changes in a relationship because they kind of handled it differently. Now she has to be the real friend, the supportive friend, where it's just about having your back and communicating with you and supporting you in things that she doesn't always agree with, but there's nothing unhealthy about what you're doing, right? Like that's being a friend and in kind of an adult relationship when you're not like, being a friend is more than just partying together and having fun. So start there and let her,

you don't know, like stop thinking about what decision you have to make because of her answer, reevaluate at that point. But don't be friends with someone who isn't being a friend. And that can be tough. That's so hard.

Yeah, but people break up, you know? Relationships end, and not just romantic ones, too. And you can have toxic friendships just like you can have toxic relationships. So right now, you're just kind of letting this thing fester, and it's bugging you. And, you know, the only thing, it sounds like maybe you feel like

she's not going to give you the answer you want. You know? Yeah. And if that's the case, maybe you kind of already know. But at the same time, sometimes you really have to point out

what's going on. Because right now, your sister said, I don't think that's okay. Thanks for acknowledging. But she thinks she's justified because maybe she did have the best intentions.

But no one, it sounds like, has pointed out that how she went about it was the thing that bothered you the most. Yes, that's what it was. And that she can't really justify. She can have concerns for your well-being and you can say, well, I'm actually happy. And you could say, this all could have been resolved if you would have spoke to me directly.

But it was really hurtful and inappropriate and, and, and, and to, for you to do what you did and how you went about it. And that, I don't, I don't, I don't want that. I don't want you to do that, you know,

because friends come to, friends come to each other, uh, head on. They don't gossip behind their backs. Right. So. Yeah,

no, that makes total sense. I would, I would do that and I would definitely address it and call her, call her right now and be like, hey, let's grab a cup of coffee. Yeah, right now. I would do it in person. I would have that conversation. For sure.

I definitely wouldn't do over text. If you can't have it in person, FaceTime. If you can't FaceTime, call. Definitely don't text. Ideally, get a cup of coffee and catch up. And even if you, like, don't say, oh, I need can do something I need to talk to you about if you do decide to get together, but be direct and be honest.

And think of it just like a romantic relationship. It's a relationship that it's not currently healthy and you're not feeling heard. So be heard, you know? Yeah, no, that makes sense.

That's really helpful. All right. Thank you guys. Best of luck with your relationship both the the boyfriend and the uh term friend yeah thank you i appreciate it all right take care you too bye guys bye it sounds like she knows uh we always know sounds like she knows. We always know. Sounds like she knows it. Right? Yeah. Isn't that the sense you got? Yeah.

That she thinks like this friend is kind of. Yeah. Talking out of school. That happens. Sometimes you're just like, I don't really know if I like you anymore. This isn't adding to my life. Yeah. People fall out of love with friends too.

It's so hard though. I hate it. I wish everybody could stay in your life forever. Isn't that the dream? Never have to break up. Yeah. People often make excuses for their actions

by justifying, oh, well, I thought I was being a good friend. It's like, how you go about it. Yeah. And that's the thing.

I'm a huge believer in a real friend is sometimes telling friends what they don't want to hear. I'm a huge believer in a real friend is sometimes telling friends what they don't want to hear. Yeah. I am a huge believer. Exactly. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that.

But that's not what this is. That's not what this is. That's just being shitty. That's someone just being gossipy. Yeah. And she might just have done it wrong. She might sit down and be like, you know what? That makes a lot of sense.

I'm sorry. I should have never done that. And you know what? I was wrong and I won't do that again. And then great. Fingers crossed. We can reconnect. But until she points out the thing that was wrong,

she's just going to get defensive and make excuses for her actions. And never don't talk to someone because you're afraid of how they're going to react. Like you can't control that. No, but people are totally afraid of confrontation. I mean.