The Viall Files - E675 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Won’t Go Down On Me

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, We then get to our callers.  Our first caller has feelings for a friend who’s currently in a relationship, plus she’s not sure if she’s even into women. This friend often flirts with our caller, to the point where their other friends have noticed as well, and vents about her rocky relationship. She’s unsure whether or not to confess these feelings, and how they would be received. Our second caller’s boyfriend won’t eat her out, and it’s ruining their relationship. She’s wondering how to stress to him this is something she needs in a relationship, or if this is a justifiable reason to move on. Our final caller is seeing her long-distance situationship this weekend, and is debating giving him an ultimatum. Her apartment lease is up soon, and she’s been thinking about moving to the city he lives in, but only if he’s willing to commit to her fully.  “It’s not wrong for you to want to be satisfied in your relationship.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Chomps - Chomps is offering our listeners 20% off your first order and free shipping when you go to https://www.Chomps.com/VIALL. BetterHelp - In the season of giving, give yourself what YOU need – with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL  today to get 10% off your first month. Rakuten - Join for free at https://www.rakuten.com  or get the Rakuten App.  Nutrafol - Take the first step to visibly thicker, healthier hair. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to https://www.Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code THEVIALLFILES. Zocdoc - Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/VIALL  and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.Article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @liffordthebigreddog @dereklanerussell

All right, all you meat lovers out there, picture it. It's 4 p.m. and you're ready for a little snack. Before your after-work gym class, your desk drawer has a tempting stash of leftover candy. But you're trying to be better. You want a snack or something with clean, wholesome ingredients. Well, you got to refuel with Chomps. Chomps makes snacking simple. Their tasty meat sticks are packed with mouthwatering flavor and only the

best real ingredients. I'm a huge meat eater, love some meat, and Chomps is a great, delicious snack that gives you some little protein, a little bit of pick-me-up, a little some nourishment with healthy ingredients that you don't have that sugar crash or the carbohydrates crash or things like that. Chomps sticks come in nine flavors, so there's something for everyone. Or grab a variety pack to satisfy your whole family's taste buds. With thousands of five-star reviews, snackers around the world have satisfied their hunger cravings with Chomps. Right now, Chomps is offering our listeners 20% off your first order and free shipping

when you go to Chomps.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Go to Chomps.com slash V-I-A-L-L to see all the delicious flavors and get 20% off your first order and free shipping. That's Chomps, C-H-O-M-P-S dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. Don't forget to use our link so they know we sent you. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another incredible episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by the truly OG's Allie, in studio, actually. Yay! Pew, pew, pew!

She's back in town, packing her bags. Yep i i love the way our household before they pack you moved and then you came back anyways sometimes i took a flight sometimes you need time to get your affairs in order yeah sure yeah um i'm like obviously i love the way our family has grown there is something so fun about when it's the three of us like it reminds me of when my parents are together without my younger brother and like and obviously like we've all fucking adore my younger brother my brother but there is kind of this moment about being like oh geez you know like the three musketeers and like that's how i feel now the og who else can say that they got nick in dresses and wigs filming TikToks in his home? I know.

Whenever when people are like, how long have you worked there? And I'm like, three years. It's been 84 years. Yeah. It's been a while. Who would have thought? And here we are. And here we are.

And here we are. Here we are. All the people at home are like, God, just fire them already. Get rid of them. Get rid of them. Take away their mics. Take them. Shut up. Nonsense. just fire them already get rid of them take away their mics shut up nonsense that was i think that's because like i feel like there's plenty of podcasts that will read like negative reviews and like laugh about it and clown around and like i feel like

the review that i've come across that has like made me laugh the most that's been negative is your hair one oh no that was the funny there was one woman on youtube who's campaigning for me to do my hair and i was like sorry girl i'm for me to do my hair. And I was like, sorry, girl, not going to happen. I saw one recently. It was like, Ally can be extremely juvenile and sounds like she's in high school, but occasionally has nuggets of wisdom. And I was like, woohoo! But you know how I feel about all this shit.

Yes, we know. I hear that. Because right now, you know what you guys just did? You know how many people you informed and made aware of my bad hair? My juvenile delinquents? Of your criticisms. But I'm the first

to talk about them. I saw the hair comment. No, but Blake, who we... Horseman? Yeah. There was an article he's i don't he he's he he had to address something oh yeah i know what it was that's what it was it had somebody with reded commenters and

whatever so long i think was you know he's now i don't know if he's in he's him and his girlfriend are pregnant i don't know if they're engaged yeah they're you know they're growing their family okay so they're in a very very serious committed relationship and it sounds like uh people on reddit discovered he had a raya profile still active so you give me this look but like first of all people on like reddit noticed it and they were talking about i don't again you know i feel people who are reading their own press it's just a waste you're giving it oxygen it doesn't deserve but you know i became aware of this story because he commented on it he you know i i can't believe i have to address this like he

didn't have to address it most people don't realize you know i'm saying no and he's aware of it and yeah maybe probably people on reddit and people were commenting well you gotta you gotta say something and it can feel feel it can feel very overwhelming, especially if you have a large audience and people are commenting. But so many more people know about it because he commented on it. And then after he commented on it, Us Weekly or whoever does a story on it, until the celebrity or the bigger person comments on a story, it's not news. It becomes news when they comment. Before he commented on it, no one fucking knew about it. And the truth is, he didn't do anything wrong because I have experienced what Blake has experienced. And I'm assuming what I didn't even read his comments,

but I'm assuming his comments been something like this. I've tried to get off. I've probably reached out multiple times. You can deactivate your account and they will still show you on their app. It's super fucking frustrating. A lot of apps do this. It's trying to cancel a gym membership. They show up in person. It took me multiple attempts when I was briefly on Raya to get off of Raya. And then after I deactivated my account,

people were messaging me being like, I saw you on Raya. That shit happens. But no one fucking knew about it. And by no one, I mean the like no one fucking knew about it and by no one i mean like the world but i learned about the and and unless i knew what he was talking about i probably would be like oh shit why are you on a dating app i and i would i would have just read the headline and i would have been you know what i'm saying so he made so many more people aware of this issue

and then most people probably didn't read the article most probably just thought oh he's doing some shady shit or blah blah blah and he amplified a story he didn't read the article. Most probably just thought, oh, he's doing some shady shit or blah, blah, blah. And he amplified a story he didn't need to amplify. I think you're I feel like you're going to like this because I'm like, we have an epidemic in modern times of I think we have kind of a crisis where there's not really a super effective channel for feedback. Because for me, it's like if I'm reading a comment, it's because like I'm looking for feedback. Like maybe like because there's like a few like, you know, every now and then there'll be something really fucking nice little screenshot. Look at what I'm depressed. But it's also I'm not going to I'm not going to tell on myself. But sometimes people write stuff where I read it and I'm like, you're so right. I hear you. If it resonates with you. Yeah. If you're like, you know, that's a fair criticism and it's constructive, but it's so rare.

And it's so it feels like it's so small the bubbles where you can actually have productive feedback like i think that's something a lot of comedians talk about is how when you first blow up and your videos go viral how all of a sudden people who are not have not been following you where there is no good faith in their comments are just like talking whatever shit they want to they're at home like having their moment and their cup of coffee by themselves not thinking you're going to read it or pay attention to it. Not to flex,

but literally millions of people listen to this show. And so when five people have something to say, like, come on. But the YouTube, sometimes people will write incredibly thoughtful comments

where it's like they have. That's great. But they still don't know you. And I always say, like, you're still that they don't know you. But it's like feedback on the show.

Like they'll structure it in a way that's really like constructive and it's and we appreciate that but like you you have to be careful how much power you give anyone even if it is nice we appreciate the nice things people have to say but you have to be careful how much influence you let it have over you the same way you have negative comments neither of these people know the work we put into the show or who we are as people etc etc and you just have to be careful and and it's not just you know blake or us or you know the internet you know if you have 200 facebook friends are these really your closest friends and now you're giving all these other people 200 people that you know you don't really engage with or talk to.

And then you read their comments and you respond. And like, you know, I just want to let people, you know, and you're responding to 10 people, but you amplify it and put it out there. You know, the best response is always, always no response. The key to success in 2023 is ignoring people. And I don't think you're wrong. I just think it's such a shame because it makes it so hard for people to get honest feedback like i think that's such an essential part of a relationship is finding out how to productively communicate with your partner without like instigating a huge fight or kind of going nuclear and when you have people who are just talking

shit with no kind of care and a total disregard for you as a person it can be hard because if you are not talking shit if you are giving something that you are genuinely intend to be constructive and helpful it's so easy for the receiver of that to just lump you in with the haters as opposed to kind of discerning that there's a really big difference between random shit anonymous trolls say as like loving people you know way to get feedback you get feedback from your peers you know you two can like ask each other you know you can ask me you could ask your loved ones people who know you you know people who might listen to the show maybe if you run into someone on the street and you and they're

like i listen to the show and you decide to have a five or ten minute conversation maybe there's like an actual yeah i was wondering what you thought about the show and like it's more one-on-one and more intimate you still have to be careful about like how much influence you let them have but like at least there's an opportunity for discourse there's ways to get feedback but just don't get feedback and or don't like can't engage with the internet the internet is not a place for anyone to seek out validation and yet so many of us pov you're us at 12 years old it's midnight on a saturday on omegle validate me you're ally you're running a successful royals account tumblr you have a following of thousands that is still impressive no guys i exposed so much of myself on that account

i put far too much out there like like i just thought people cared what did like you want to get i'm home sick today with the flu uh just took some medicine like nah the facebook signed up for that we were using we were terrorizing facebook was terrorizing us and we were terrorizing i'm so glad i didn't have facebook until i was like 17 oh my god it's like i don't go on literally ever unless there's one improv show i do where they post the lineup on video so I will sometimes go on once a week just to check it but when I did go on when it was sort of like petering out

it would give you a status from like seven years ago today you said any other cool kids not doing their homework and like shoot me

this needs to come with a gun any other cool kids let me try reading your captions from three weeks ago their homework oh my god

Mariah Carey season is upon us. It's time. Nailed it. Nick, I have a question. Well, two questions actually. How are my ears? One.

Okay, three questions. One, how are your ears? How's your heart? And how are your ears? Would you ever release a Christmas album? If I could sing, I would. But I think it'd be even funnier

that you can't sing. What if it's just a Christmas album of you I could sing, I would. But I think it'd be even funnier that you can't sing. What if it's just a Christmas album of you talking Christmas? I would pay so much money to hear you actually try to sing. It would be so fucking funny. Would people buy it? I would. Is this a giveaway? No.

No, no. This is, well, we'll Spotify. We're going to drop this on Spotify and iTunes? Yeah. It's like, think about it it karaoke version of little drummer boy oh my god please go literally that was really low see louder you have more pitch than you give yourself credit for i can't say that wasn't

half bad i wasn't i i just don't know how, like I, you know, I lost my mojo back in the elementary school. Did someone shame you for your singing? Um,

I don't know. I probably shamed myself. Oh. Although I do remember my choir director in elementary school thinking I was good. Untapped potential.

Untapped potential. It's never too late to return. Have you taken voice lessons to sing? No, I had to for my degree. How do you teach someone to sing? Oh, God. I'm not a teacher.

Can anyone? You put on your Maria von Trapp hat and you say, Hello, children. Literally. Maybe. I think. I'm just saying. I would really, a very vile Christmas.

Oh, my God. That's genius. Copyright that. Come on. Come on. Oh my God. That's genius. Copyright that. Come on. Come on. I think it could be a hit. Okay. Well,

let the, you know what? Comment below. If you want a very vile Christmas. And we will disregard everything we just said in the past 10 minutes. And we will listen to your comments. This is helpful feedback that we need to know. Well, you might not be a good singer,

but he is good at giving advice. And we have a writer in her, and his name is Connor, and he needs your help. A boy? A boy. Let us read. I, Connor 25. I feel like this is like one of those, you know, what I'm thinking of.

Like, yeah, am I the asshole male 25? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Need help getting my best friend, Max, also 25, to break up with his toxic and manipulative girlfriend, Alexis, 25. Everyone's 25. My childhood friend is in his first ever relationship and he's overlooking very clear red flags. She moved in with him after a week of getting together. He got her

a job at his company and all our friends hate her. We've tried to have an intervention with him to get him to see what that she's trying to drive a wedge between him and the friend group. But there's nothing we can say that will get him to see the situation clearly. The two of them also met initially in kindergarten and reconnected 20 years later. So he uses that as some cosmic justification that they're meant to be. There's a lot more I could say about her, i.e. she's gotten in fights with every single one of our friend's girlfriends. She's tried to break up our friend's relationships by trying to set up their girlfriends with other guys. She doesn't have a single friend outside of him. She's crashed her car three times. She drinks while on medication. I mean, her being

a bad driver really has nothing to do with it. But she drinks while on medication which fucks her up. This bitch cannot parallel park to save her life. Oh, okay. Sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt you. Guys, you're missing the... She drinks on medication which fucks her up. Maybe that has some of the reasons to go with

crashing the car. I've heard you give the advice of being supportive and waiting it out till they finally wake up. But I worry that will never happen as he believes this is fate and his one shot at love. I don't know why I like ended it. Love. Buy my book. Step one. Great.

I mean, listen, I don't like I feel like I'm not going to be. Yeah, I know. There's not much you can do. He's tried the intervention thing. Pick your battles. You know, also my advice is be careful what arguments you use. Again, like, her being a bad driver is irrelevant to her being a partner. And yeah, the mixing medication's not great either.

But again, like, the friend group friend group like he doesn't care about the friend group the way you i mean he does but she does just the friend groups evolve and change and quite honestly when you come across as like the guy who's trying to keep the friend group like it's just not a good argument you know because sometimes your friend groups they're not i know you cherish them and especially in your 20s and it's fun but those will always evolve and grow and and change and die and this won't be the last girl or woman who infiltrates this friend group and some of these people will get married, divorced, removed, or whatever. You know, so protecting the friend group is just a lost argument.

I will say that. You know, because when you say to him, oh, she's tearing you away from us, he's gonna not care, I guess. In a weird, yeah, he's not gonna care. Because he thinks he's fighting for something bigger than the friend group. True love. True love. Cosmic. Cosmic love. Justification. yeah he's not gonna care because he thinks he's fighting for something bigger than the friend group true love true love cosmic cosmic justification so again all you can do is you

have to be incredibly patient you have to um pick your battles and if you are going to quote unquote talk shit about her it always has to come from a place of like i'm really i think you like if you want to it's a it's more like that you have to say something, listen, I want you to be with whoever you're happy with. But the big question is, is, is he really happy? So observe your friend, you know, because at the end of the day, however she is with you guys or the group, like if their relationship is, and it's probably not, but like maybe they, you know, they don't fight, get along yada yada like i mean if he's happy so to speak like it's hard to break that bond but chances are if she's as toxic as you suggest that she is there is going to be chinks in the armor you know they probably do fight a lot it probably

has a lot of highs and lows and so when when she is being toxic with him and you notice that, you know, you just have to remind him of how he deserves to be treated. And you just kind of say, listen, as long as you're happy, I will support you. But you deserve not to have someone talk to you that way. You have the right to stand up for yourself. You have to enable him and give him the confidence to whoever he wants if he wants to believe in fate great but fate isn't an excuse and destiny is an excuse to allow someone to treat you poorly you know to not respect you to try to manipulate a situation so you have to take advantage of the times of when he feels frustrated with her but the only way that he's going to want to come to you in those moments is when he doesn't think that you like fucking hate her or you're going to talk shit about her so you have to be very careful how much shit you talk about her it's less about talking shit about her it's more about building him up and making him feel like he should he deserves to have a certain level of expectation about how he's treated with whoever he wants to be with and just because they met a certain way or they're in kindergarten that

he shouldn't overlook bad behavior you know and if she is doing things like if she's doing destructive things and he you should give him the confidence to hey like yeah listen yeah you want to take care of the people you love but like you should you should call her out on this or challenge her on this and am i making sense you know and so you just have to be very careful like just talking shit about her and be like she fucking sucks man everyone fucking hates her that will never work you know it's just about paying attention to the moments in which he is noticeably frustrated with the relationship and he is frustrated with how he is how she's treating him and then take those opportunities not to talk shit about her, but to let him know that he deserves to be treated better. And there are people out there who will treat him that way and

just build them up and give them confidence. And that's all you really can do. And you do have to be patient. Yeah. Cause I feel like kind of similar to the approach you take with a lot of callers of kind of reflecting back stuff they're saying. Like I found when I was sort of on the precipice of like breaking up with my ex, like the kind of turning point where it became real was when like my best friend in the whole wide world was like, I just like it's been a really long time since I've heard you sound happy when you were talking about it. You know, like that was like something about that was just like the ultimate truth bomb. And like in order for her to say that she needed to be a resource that I felt comfortable coming to. And so it's like, it's so hard playing the long game, but you're not being complicit if you're strategically ensuring that he's has other people in his life who he's talking to who care about him and can provide

another perspective. Yeah. I mean, you know, you've heard me say a relationship doesn't care how you met and all the destiny things. But again, I was him before. I've been your friend, buddy. And we hold on to things out of desperation. And yeah, it's just pointing out, like you said, if you see him unhappy, pointing that out and have him explain to you how he feels about her and why and what is healthy about them. Get him to talk about the relationship instead of you talking to him about his relationship.

You know, get him to open up about his struggles or relationship. And then instead of talking shit, just make him feel like he deserves more than he's getting. And, you know, and you have to play the long game. And then make yourself available. So if it, you know, you don't want to,

you don't want to talk so much shit that even when it goes bad, he doesn't want to come to you because, you know, you can say, I told you so, or whatever, you know, you don't want to, you don't want to talk so much shit that even when it goes bad, he doesn't want to come to you because, you know, you can say, I told you so, or whatever, you know, or he feels ashamed or embarrassed and foolish for believing in love and believing in destiny and things like that, you know, empathize with him, you know, relate to him. if you've had a relationship in the past where you struggled and you couldn't see through the forest, you know, or that you couldn't see the light, you know, put yourself on his level rather than just be the friend who's talking down to him and talking down about the person he wants to be with. Yeah. And also if you're listening to this and when you talk to your friends about the person you're seeing and you notice yourself like not wanting to include certain things or campaigning for them, either like you have either there's some kind of judgment thing

with your friends and biases, or if it's people who you're genuinely really close to, maybe that's a red flag. Whenever you feel like you need to curate what you share with your really, really close friends, I feel like that's always an indicator that something is a little awry. Well, good luck.

Godspeed. Keep us posted. Yeah. Yeah, we'd love to get an update from our writer well we have a great episode for you lined up some great calls before we get to them don't forget to send in those questions at ask nick at the vile files.com for all things ask nicks texting office hours mediation you know the drill uh anything else before we get to our callers we had an awesome update episode drop last Friday.

Check it out. Yeah, check it out. It's available to all. And as always, if you're thirsting for more updates, some juicy updates that you are missing out on, if you haven't signed up or tried Vile Files Plus, it's free to sign up. You can listen to it for seven days.

Audit us. Give us a shot. Just try it out. Go to vilefiles.com. All right, let's get to our callers. Question time with me. us give us a shot just try it out go to vilefiles.com all right let's get to our callers let's ask nick your sexy questions how's it going hi i'm doing well how are you good what's your name my name is julia i'm 24 how can i help julia i have feelings for my friend and i'm not sure if she's into women and she's in a relationship.

Okay. And I'm assuming she's in a relationship with a man at this point. Yes, that is correct. Okay. How long have they been dating? They have been dating for, I think, three years. On and off. They were broken up for a full year during that time. And based off of the things that she tells me, I don't only get her perspective, but it seems very rocky. And I've been told many times that they're going to break up. Well, just for starters, you know, gay, straight, whatever, whether she dates men, women, non-binary people, she's in a relationship right now. and until she's not in a relationship i think she should be off limits to you just as in general right let's take the you know

i'm not sure if she's into women out of it you know and let's just see it as like someone you let's say you knew she was into women right right? For argument's sake. And you're her friend and she's in a relationship. She is confiding in you about this relationship. It could be argued that it's, you know, it's, it's tricky because if you have developed feelings, it can almost come across as, you know, like misleading almost in a way, if, if you're giving her advice at all, and I don't know what advice you're giving to her if you're just listening, but if any of your advice has to do with,

well, maybe you should leave this guy and you're not happy and yada yada, only to find out that you had alternative motives because you have this crush, it can come across poorly on your part. I totally agree with you. And I've been very intentional of whenever that is brought up to just like abstain from opinion and not engage

and not like say my opinions about him. Also, we've only been friends since July. So it's not like this is a long-term friend that if I were to in the future confess any feelings that I would feel like I just lost this like five-year friendship. Sure. Are you more interested in her as a potential, you know,

partner rather than a friend? Yes. Okay. And so if you, if you find out that she is straight as an arrow and has no interest in women and will you do you think you'll like kind of just slowly stop being friends with her no like and the thing is we've had conversations about sexuality many times and it seems based off of what she tells me and she's usually the one bringing up these conversations too because I feel weird bringing it up just because I know and she knows my sexuality and so I'm just like I'm not going

to be the one to bring that up because I think that comes across a certain way so usually when these conversations happen she's the one bringing it up and she said things along the lines of oh well we ever know her sexuality i don't know i think you just have to go based off the person stuff like that okay that i don't think based off the straight friends i have i think you kind of know and i don't know she's the only she seems to be open and not like straight as an arrow but also i just could be misreading things just because of my bias. Yeah. There's that. How old is she? She's 25. Okay.

And I'm 24. Okay. Yeah. I mean, she's young, but she's not that young. I mean, listen, I don't, who knows? I mean, I guess for the time being, I think you just kind of have to let this relationship play out, you know? Do you, so would it be a horrible idea? Cause I'm very much the person that I don't really, I'm not afraid of rejection. I don't hold back often.

Um, and obviously I very, I'm trying to, I am respecting her, her relationship. I'm not getting involved and I will absolutely not be a part of that in any way, shape or form. And I'm not, I wouldn't even say that I'm flirting with her. I think it's very much like, if you ask all my friends around me who are observing the situation and they're always skeptics, they're all like, she's definitely flirting with you.

Like, that's weird. She's leading you on. She's saying these things that are misleading because she knows you're gay. Like, and also she she's very intuitive i don't think that she would be blindsided blindsided if i were to confess this to her maybe not yeah maybe not and do i like is it a horrible idea or like wrong it would be wrong for me to tell her how I feel when she's in a relationship, not expecting anything, but just to be like, hey, this is how I feel. Like, I just need to tell you because otherwise I feel myself kind of distancing away from her to kind of protect myself. Yeah. And I'm like, do I owe her an explanation to my distance? Like, is that rude of me to kind of just get away from a friend?

It's a tricky question. And my guess is for all the people listening, there's probably a variety of opinions. For example, if there's someone listening who has been a victim of infidelity of some kind or recently experienced a breakup where someone left them for someone else i'm sure i'm assuming you don't give a shit about what her boyfriend thinks of you but she's in a relationship you know and so if you shoot your shot so to speak it just it will open up the door for you being the scapegoat for that for the reason that relationship ended uh plenty of people have shot their shot with someone in a relationship it's not your responsibility to protect her relationship with

her boyfriend it's just one of those things it will inherently get a little messier i don't think it's like a right or wrong you know if you decide to shoot your shot and and pour your heart out and say listen like for what it's worth like i think you're beautiful i have a crush on you i don't know i don't even know if you're into women but like i think you're stunning you know like she doesn't have to act on that she you know the right thing for her would be to say is well that's very sweet of you and really thank you for the compliment but you know i need to deal with my current relationship before. I mean, that would be the righteous thing to do. I suspect that if she has feelings for you or a crush on you or has thought about you in a way outside of a friendship, my guess is she won't be as righteous.

And maybe she might say like, oh, I have a similar feeling. She might emotionally, I guess, cheat on you, so to speak, cheat on her,, her boyfriend. Yeah. Right? Because if, again, if we're nitpicking, flirting with someone else is emotionally cheating, you know, when you're in a relationship, you know, telling them that you, oh, if I wasn't in a relationship, I would do X, Y, or Z with you is technically, you know, emotionally cheating, you know? Again, it's like, we've all made mistakes. That's certainly, you know, very different than having sex with someone, but your, your partner would have the right to be upset if they found out you did something like that. Right. Another thing

I, I just wondering if it's the pragmatic thing for you to do is to be a little more patient and you have more experience obviously from you know you have more experience when it comes to obviously being gay and and you know the coming out that might you know someone might experience and the sensitivity behind that but let's assume that she hasn't been with any other women yet and that if she does have a crush or thinks about it you you would be her first potentially, if you shot your shot, like that in itself is going to be probably a whirlwind for her, you know?

And so I don't know what you're looking for out of this relationship. If it's just like, Hey, I think she's beautiful. I want to make out with her and hook up. Sure. I guess. But like,

if you think, Hey, this is a really sweet person and you know, I'm getting way ahead of myself, I just have a crush now, but she has characteristics that I value and would want for myself and a partner, then I think it behooves you to be patient. about her rocky relationship. So let it play out. But I just think you insert yourself into some drama by shooting your shot while she's in a relationship. And then, you know, instead of being, you know, the first person she's been with, who's a woman, you become almost like the, like you're just setting yourself up to be the bad guy. I don't know if that's going to happen, right? The way I'm kind of addressing your question is just to kind of like go through the pros and cons of how i how i see it i think you could easily shoot your shot get an answer you want everything could be fine i don't

know maybe i'm over analyzing this but truth be told like it you are inserting yourself into drama by by shooting your shot with this person who a you like you said don't you don't even you're not even sure that if she's into women she's certainly of giving you signals that might suggest that she is right but also like you have to consider the fact that like someone who's in an unhealthy relationship might just be like pining for attention you know wanting wanting to feel seen and heard and get a compliment i have a lot of gay friends you know i'm straight as an arrow but like my guy gay friend compliments me i've had a guy gay friend like be like your ass looks great in those jeans and i don't have any sexual feelings

for him but i tell you what made me feel good a compliment's a compliment you know gave me intention it was like oh wow thanks man you really think so you know like great you know i appreciate it and so i'm just saying she could just still be straight and still really enjoy almost flirting with you in a way because you make her feel something that maybe her boyfriend's not making her feel right now you know and you look at her a certain way that maybe her boyfriend's not and maybe she has no plans of ever dating women, but she certainly is enjoying the attention she's receiving from you. That's possible. So this is something you want to be careful of because you are pursuing someone who's

not in a happy state of mind. They're not seeing things clearly because they're in a relationship that they're not happy with. And when we're in those types of situations, we want to fix it. We start looking for answers elsewhere. That's why people cheat, you know, often, you know, and so it's not the ideal situation that I'd want for you to shoot your shot with this person, I guess, is the pragmatic answer. I don't think you'd be making a huge mistake if you ignored my advice and shot your shot today and said, fuck it, whatever. I'm just going to do it. But I just want you to understand the potential risks if you do do it. Definitely. And I think the reason why I'm so conflicted, if it was just somebody that, like you said, I wanted to just make out with,

and I was just really attracted to, I don't think I would, like, this wouldn wouldn't even be a question I think it's because I actually have genuine feelings for this person that I'm like I just want to know if she feels the same way yeah um but I agree with you about patience that's what I but what has been my current plan and just hanging back and letting that play out and not being involved in it at all and then i'll just see how how that ends or not ends i don't know but it's just kind of the curiosity of yeah you know because i have genuine feelings i know yeah and she has given me so many hints that she feels the same way and many and i've confirmed this with other people that's not just me which usually they're skeptics but not for this for some reason.

So I don't know. Yeah. And I think you can thread the needle. I think there's a happy medium because I know your question was about like, well, if I don't shoot my shot, I, because I have feelings, I almost want to distance myself a little bit. And then how do I address that if she calls me out? You know, I don't think you have to go cold turkey on her.

You know what I'm saying? It's not like, can you find a happy ground where maybe, you know, you hang out with her, but maybe you don't go out to dinner with her. Or maybe it's just a little more selective of the type of environments you put yourself in with her, you know, friend groups, situations, things like that, you know? And yeah, like maybe if the worst thing you do is be a little distant and a little cold and almost in a flirting way you know yeah i don't think that's the worst thing you know where maybe you act i don't think it would be that bad if you changed your behavior that made her ask

why is she and you're acting different why are you acting different you know and what do i say that's because i think she would if i did this which i feel like i kind of have been the last couple of weeks and every time i do it and i'm not doing it to like play games oh i'm just trying to be protective of my feelings and i see myself and feel myself every time we hang out the feelings get more and more and i'm like i don't want to be involved in a situation where I don't know what the ending would be. And so I feel myself pull away. That's when she starts like flirting more

or like doing things that pull me right back in. And then I'm like, well, I don't know how to respond to this. Or put distance when she's having the opposite reaction. It's tough. Yeah. I think you're just going to have to play it by ear i think until she calls you out so to speak it's one thing for her to wonder if she's wondering but if she like says like hey why maybe that's maybe that's your signal to say i wouldn't go all the way but you just say, I think you're amazing. And I guess, you know, I think you're wonderful. And maybe you can kind of be cryptic. I just think given how

I feel about you as a person, I think it would, it's just kind of inappropriate for me to put myself in situations with you while you're in a relationship. And that's saying a lot, but it's not going all the way, so to speak you know and if she's like well what do you mean by that and you you could just say like listen i i think maybe you have a sense but i really don't even feel comfortable saying more while you're in a relationship you know and she can get frustrated at you for that and be like well why can't you tell me but you could just say hey listen there's this certain things i don't say to people who are in relationships because i i were you know regardless if i agree with any relationship, I want to respect the relationships that people are in.

And she can kind of figure out the rest. But I think being kind of being cryptic like that will still, I think, protect you and kind of setting a foundation of the type of morals and communication that you would want if you two maybe someday down the road enter in a relationship you know you're setting that expectation up front it might seem silly she might roll her eyes at you she might be like oh my god you're being so dramatic or what can't you just tell me and things like that but if the worst thing that happens out of this is she sees you as someone who just truly respects people who are in relationships. And regardless of how you feel about your friends, partners, that you're not going to flirt or express your feelings with someone who is committed to someone else.

And that's a standard that you want to set, not only for yourself, but the people who are around you. Maybe it's something like that. You kind of thread the needle. Does that make sense? It's like a happy medium. Yeah, no, definitely. Yeah. It's not like, well, because I'm in love with you or because I, you know, I have such a crush on you. And I think, you know, like, instead of saying that, you just be like, you know, to be honest, like, I think you're amazing. I think you're really special. I think you deserve the world. But sometimes like, there's just things I would rather, I would like to talk to you about that I just can't because you're in a relationship so that's probably why i've been acting a little distant no i i really like that approach because i don't want

to be perceived as someone that's trying to meddle with her relationship at all and i i generally like i'm not so so that way yeah she's coming to you yeah yeah and some of the things she says to me i'm like i'm like i feel weird that you just said that to me because you're in a relationship like it's gotten that's how much she flirts with me at least i perceive it as flirting i don't know what she's perceiving it as maybe you can just like make a joke and next time she says that you can be like you know i'm gay right you know i could i could talk that'd be funny you know i should do that you know you're beautiful so like and you're in a relationship so i'm you know as much as i love you flirting with me you're in a relationship yeah and just call it out and she can fill in the blanks like she's yeah very intuitive so i i honestly don't

think she would be shocked if this conversation happened at this point um yeah because like it's almost like in a weird way it's i feel like it's almost you tell me but it's almost like disrespectful to gay people to act as if like it's different because she's a woman and i'm dating a man and so i can say things to her. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know if she sees it that way, but it's like, you're gay, you're attracted to women. And if she's flirting with you in a way that like you might find attractive, it can be confusing to you. And if that's not fair to you and she should, you know, recognize that. You're saying what those are. That's exactly what my friends are telling me,

that she's being disrespectful towards gay people because of how much she's flirting yeah kind of and she probably doesn't mean to be and like she's you know but i don't think she is like i really don't think so but but yeah i'm not trying to make a big deal about yeah but i just think i think it's you know you've heard me on the show before i just think it's very easy for us when we're in these kind of situations in our life that we're not happy with we lie to ourselves you know we we justify our actions and i think you know she's certainly not trying to be disrespectful but i think she is justifying her actions and probably lying to herself and telling herself it's no big deal and you know a lot of gay people have lied to themselves before about their own sexuality before they came out. Right. So maybe she's going through that. But either way, she is dismissing the fact that you're gay and that you're attracted to women and the fact that she's in a relationship.

based off of how you're seeing that she shouldn't be acting because she's in a relationship. And if she is not gay, then she shouldn't be teasing you and leading you on. And if she is struggling with her sexuality, then all the same, she should still be respecting the fact that you're a person too with feelings and you're trying to do your best to respect her choices in her relationship. And, you know, she owes you that as well. Yeah, I, I agree. I think you confirmed what I, I was just like,

should I just do it? But this kind of confirmed my, I should just be patient. And then I like your idea of the happy medium. Yeah. Let her, you know, when that conversation comes naturally.

Yeah. Let her come to you and then you can be honest with her rather than you saying, I need to talk to you about something. And then all honest with her rather than you saying i need to talk to you about something and then all of a sudden you get labeled as the homewrecker or something like that yeah not something i want okay thank you all right well certainly keep us posted you'd love to know what eventually happens because i'm sure it sounds like something is going to happen sooner than later. Yeah. It just feels like it's just escalating, you know, and I'm just wondering what will happen.

And until then, you know, maybe the only relationship advice that you should give her about her current relationship is you deserve to be happy and you deserve to not feel the way you do in any relationship, you know know and you just have to ask yourself how long are you willing to you know stay in this kind of state of mind that you've currently been staying in with this person or is there maybe something else better for you just i wouldn't go any further than that you know because sometimes people stuck in relationships on and off off again it's just that fear of moving on it's just like especially if this is her first love and things like that it's it is yeah it's really hard to get over that first person so just giving that person confidence that it's going to

be okay if they choose to finally move on is the best thing you can do as a friend yeah okay thank you all right my pleasure take care keep us posted thank you i will all right bye-bye bye-bye this episode is brought to you by better help it's that time of year holidays are upon us the seasons are changing the days are shorter there's a lot of seasonal blues this time of year especially with the holidays you know sometimes the holidays can feel lonely even when you're around family and we all have that type of family drama that just gives us anxiety. Well, it's a great time to maybe think about some therapy, maybe some mental health help is in your future. Well, BetterHelp is helping people discover therapy like never before, because therapy is one of those things where it's just,

it's hard to start, you know, so many excuses, so many ways of to avoid getting into therapy, finding the right therapist, someone that you connect with, the cost obviously is an issue. Well, BetterHelp has a therapy that's far more affordable than in- into therapy, finding the right therapist, someone that you connect with. The cost obviously is an issue. Well, BetterHelp has a therapy that's far more affordable than in-person therapy, and it's super convenient. You can do it from the comfort of your home, your car, on a walk, your phone, tablet, computer. And because BetterHelp is working with thousands and thousands of therapists every day, it vastly increases your chances of connecting with a therapist that's right for you. You go to Better got a better help. You tell them what you're looking for, what your problems are, what you want to talk about. Anything is open and they'll connect you with a therapist that

I think is right for you. But, you know, sometimes you have to take a couple swings at the bat before you hit a home run and better help makes it super easy to do that. If you find like the first therapist you talk to, it's like, yeah, they're fine. They're great. But I don't know. I just don't want to share my deepest, darkest secrets with this person. That's a totally valid thing. Also, it's very personalized because I matched with a therapist at first and then our schedules just weren't aligning because we were in different time zones. And so I reached out to BetterHelp and I said, hey, here's the time slot in which I would really like to meet with someone. She's not usually available then. Is there a chance to switch? And I got a personalized

email back, like not a robot, an actual person. And she'd listed out three different options for me with their profiles and their usual Thursday availabilities. And it was just so nice. And you feel really cared for. I love that. Well, find your bright spot this season with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash V-I-A-L-L, betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L. betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L, betterhelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Rakuten, all you shoppers out there, if you love shopping and you love earning cash back, well, Rakuten is made for you. If you are getting ready for your holiday shopping at,

maybe it's Bloomingdale's, maybe it's Walmart, maybe it's Adidas, maybe it's Nike. Really, the list goes on. Well, and if you're not using Rakuten, you are literally missing out on having money being sent to you, either whether it's directly into a PayPal account or just receiving a check. Rakuten is a way that you can shop and earn cash back on top of the biggest sales of the season. So you get the most savings and it's easy to use. Just start your shopping at Rakuten.com or use the Rakuten app. You'll get your cash back payments through, again, PayPal or our check.

Rakuten partners with over 3,700 stores. I mean, it's an amazing list of stores. Walmart. Ugg. Ugg. It's great. Here's the thing. They're working with stores you're already going to be shopping at. And everybody knows it can be very fun to do holiday shopping until you see that final total in your cart and you're like, oh, gulp. Well, here we go. You're going to buy people gifts anyways. These are stores you're already going to. You might as well then treat yourself, get yourself a gift, too, in the form of cash back. It's genius. The stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers and Rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Join for free at Rakuten.com or get the Rakuten app.

That is R-A-K-U-T-E-N, Rakuten.com or the Rakuten app today. Nutrafol. Isn't it amazing what Nutrafol is doing? Hair thinning will happen to approximately one in two women. So if you're among them, know that you're not alone. Thinning is extremely normal and Nutrafol helps women address it from within using their science-backed supplements. So whether you're going through postpartum or menopause, maybe a plant-based lifestyle

or different life stages, Nutrafol has four unique formulas to support women. Each is physician-formulated using drug-free, science-backed ingredients so you know you get the most reliable results. And speaking of results, I think it's something as crazy as 86% of women reported improved hair growth after taking Nutrafol Women's Hair Growth Supplement for six months. I've been taking Nutrafol for probably four months now and maybe like two months in, I just noticed I was like, oh, like my hair is falling out less in the shower. And it is such a good feeling because especially whether it's like stress or other factors, like hair loss is a really like scary, stressful thing. And so I've been really pleased with Nutrafol and the results I've seen.

Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement clinically shown to improve visible thickness and strength. Go to Nutrafol.com to take their hair health wellness quiz, identify causes of your thinning and Nutrafol will give you a personalized plan for better hair growth through their whole body health approach. Take the first step to visibly thicker, healthier hair for a limited time. Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code THEVILEFALS. Find out why over 4,000 healthcare professionals recommend Nutrafol for their healthier hair. Nutrafol.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com. Promo code TheVileFiles. That's Nutrafol.com. Promo code TheVileFiles. How's it going? Hi, I'm Hannah. I'm 27 and my boyfriend will not eat me out and I feel like

it's going to ruin our relationship okay well first of all i just want to give you my condolences condolences i'm sorry you're going through this uh how long you've been dating this guy um over a year okay um so like a little over a year yeah um and is it was it something that from the get he's never done or he refuses to do, or is it something more like he's done it and now he's giving you the whole, like, I just don't enjoy it type of thing. So I think it was something from the beginning that he wouldn't do. Um, I think like maybe, I don't know, I would say like halfway into the relationship, I was kind of like, hey, you're not doing this. And like, that's something that I would like you to do. And then he did it like once. by and I'm like, Hey, remember the conversation we had about you doing this, you know, when we have sex. Um, and he was like, Oh yeah, you know, well,

I feel like I like, it feels to me like there's a lot of excuses. Um, and I just don't understand. And I don't, I really like him. I think the relationship is going really well except for this one thing. And so I just don't want to get to a place where, you know, I feel like I want to step out of the relationship because of it. Does he enjoy oral sex in terms of receiving it? Do you give, does he expect it? Where are we on that department? He does not. I don't think he expects it. I do give, but I do feel like I've reached a point where I'm like, not really into it anymore because I think I've gotten to a place of pettiness of like, well, if you're not going to do it, then I'm not going to do it. But it's not something that like I've asked him and it seems like it's like, oh, like I, I don't need it. Like, it's not like I like it,

but it's not like at the top of my list. Okay. Okay. This is a touchy one, you know, because I could see both sides. Like on one side, right. The argument is, you know, people have a right to not be into certain things. We don't want our partners to do anything they're not comfortable with, you know. We want our partners to enjoy sex and that experience. So making them doing something they don't like seems counterintuitive, right? On the flip side, we also have the right to enjoy sex and to live out our

fantasies within reason with the people we're in relationships with and kind of how do we strike that balance i mean every relationship uh we have to make compromises and sacrifices for every relationship we we even the people were like oh this is so great we we're gonna find one two or things about them that make us we think i'd prefer that to be different about them you know type of thing we want them to work on things or act a certain way and yada yada yada this is a very specific thing and i think for you you're going to have to think about this relationship as a whole, you know, how old are you again? 27, 31. Okay. So, I mean, you're young, but you're not, I don't know what your like relationship goals are. Like, do you want to get married or like,

do you want to my relation? Yeah, I do want to get married. That's a conversation we had. Like, Yeah, I do want to get married. That's a conversation we had. Like, I think this is one of the relationships that I went into that I was like, I understand letting things happen naturally. But like my intent in dating at this point in my life is to date to get married. Like I'm not interested in other things at this point. So that's good to know, right? And I'm assuming, like you said, he is someone that not only you're in a relationship with, but you're seeing him as a potential life partner. Maybe you're not there yet, you're not engaged, so you haven't decided,

but you're dating this person with intentions. And as much as it is great to get oral sex, could you imagine if someone was like, why did you and Natalie break up? It was like, she wouldn't suck my dick. You know, like imagine, imagine the. It does sound absurd, but I just, I feel like long term, like, I think, I think what you're saying is my thought process. Right.

So like maybe right now I'm okay with, okay. Like every couple of months, which I'm really not okay with that. Otherwise I wouldn't be having this conversation. But I think my thought process is like, will I be five years into this relationship? And, you know, I have like someone at work that I kind of like, and now I'm like, oh, well, do you want to like go down with me? Because I'm so like, you know what I mean? And obviously I can control my actions. Like I'm an adult, but I just feel like, I don't know. It's just something for me. It's something that I feel like I need in sex. Like I think that in the past, like that is the way I've been sexually satisfied.

Like, so for me, I just feel like, well, like, am I just going to be sexually unsatisfied for the rest of my life? Because I chose to be with this person. Like,

just for clarifying, I know it's a bit TMI, but we've talked about this on the show. Like it is a lot of women can't climax from penetrative sex, you know, and oral stimulation or stimulation through like vibrators or fingers and things like that. So I'm assuming you're suggesting that you maybe fall in that category where you maybe like sex and all. But when it comes to you climaxing or having orgasms, that's not working for you. Exactly. Does he know that? You know, I feel like I did say that, um, in so many words, but then I feel like his response was like, well, when we have sex, like you enjoy it. And it seems like, you know, you're like, it seems like this is happening to me. So I feel like I'm

doing what I'm supposed to do. That's an insane response from him. I always kind of blow it away by sometimes the responses we get from men. So this is where you, I think, have, what's the word I'm looking for? But one, if this is someone that you think you could marry, as I'm sure you've heard me say before, then you need to figure out whether you can have tough conversations with this person. You need to be able to know if you can just be direct and honest with him, even at the risk of it feeling a little uncomfy and things like that. So he needs to understand that you just simply don't climax from penetrative sex it has nothing to do with him this is not the moment for him to make it about him

or you know stroke his ego or have it be a reflection on his manhood it's just it doesn't happen for you it's just a thing yeah it's just a thing. I feel like my question is, how many times do I have the same conversation? Because this is something we've spoken about at least a handful of times at this point. But I guess here's what I'd like to know. Let's role play for a second. Of all the conversations you had, I'm him, you're me. What is the most direct conversation you had? The reason I'm saying this is because it doesn't matter how many conversations you had about the

topic. If all those conversations were more passive aggressive than direct, kind of said something, but not all of it. And maybe you did, but you know, when I asked you if he knows that you don't have climax of penetrative sex, it seems like maybe he doesn't. Maybe you didn't fully articulate that. I don't know, but I'm just curious how you communicated that, because you might have had five conversations about the topic, but you also might not have had the one conversation and said all the things that really need to be said type of thing. And so we just have to figure out what that is yeah i don't know i feel like i've had the conversation of very directly of like why won't you why won't you eat me out like i've even gone as far as like listen like i'm a very hygienic

person i'm a very clean person like but like is there like do I have an issue that like I need to get checked like is there something wrong with me that you know this is something that you want don't want to do and he says no and then I feel like the times you know every time I bring it up like he'll then try to do it and he's's like, Oh, okay. Like I did it. Like, did I do a good job? No, it wasn't a good job. And I'm very like vocal about that. And I'm like, like, do I need to send you videos? Like, how do we get to a place where we can make you more comfortable? So I think I've really, really tried to be very direct but i also like i don't want to be mean about it and i do have like a tendency of being direct to a point of meanness so i just want

to kind of avoid that because i don't want to make him feel definitely don't want to be mean you know these conversations are always hard to have but and as a guy, from your point of view, it's probably even harder to have with him because as a guy, he can be ultra sensitive. You're trying to communicate your needs and it's such a topic where it's going to be so easy for him to make this about him and his performance and things like that. And if he's enough and yada yada. You're like, I'm literally trying to talk about my needs not your needs right now and i think these types of conversations get derailed easily you know i guess have you ever asked him it's just like what what would you do if um the only like if you couldn't ejaculate from having sex with me and then what would happen if i told you that well i'm sorry i just don't suck And then what would happen if I told you that, well, I'm sorry,

I just don't suck dick. Like, what would you do? You know, and I'm sure you will say things like, obviously I want you to enjoy making love to me. I want you to enjoy making, being intimate with me. And I don't want you to go down with me if I feel like you fucking hate it. But right. You know, sometimes being in a relationship is doing things for our partners and putting on a good face. You know, I think there's a lot of women out there listening, being like, I fucking hate sucking dick. But every time I fucking do, I go down there like a fucking champ and I perform. Yeah. And it's like, I don't like doing it, but I do like doing it for him. Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. guess like i don't it's not something i enjoy

but i'm like i'll like whatever like i'll do it like this is you know this is part of but you don't make yeah but i don't mind you don't make you don't like make it seem like you're suffering through it either probably i'm guessing no absolutely not no so yeah i think maybe ask him that question like what what if you were me like and just i think instead of getting mad and angry just go from a place of like i'm i'm really struggling here you know i'm really i'm i'm having a hard time here and i'm i'm really concerned because i don't want this to be about like oh you won't won't go down on me. This is about like, I want to be in a relationship where I have orgasms. And then if he does the whole thing, well, we don't want to like having, I can like having

sex with you and not orgasm. I still enjoy it. I still being only being intimate with you. But just because I don't orgasm doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. But at the same time, I do as a woman want to orgasm. And I want to be with someone who, you know, is willing to do that for me, you know, and doesn't make me feel like they're suffering through it. Ask him to answer that question and see what he says. I don't know. We're young. Like, I feel like we should be, I mean, more active than we are just generally. So I think it's just a weird thing to navigate even, you know,

but we both like are adults and have careers and we see each other on the weekend. But even then, like the whole weekend can go by and I'm like, Oh, like, are we going to do this? Like, you know, so I think it's just maybe him as a whole may not be very, I don't know. It doesn't sound like he's a sexual guy, right? him as a whole may not be very, I don't know, sexual. It doesn't sound like he's a sexual guy, right?

You're just going to have to decide when you take that information and kind of insert it into like how you see him as a whole, how do things add up? You know, what are things, how, what are things about the relationship that you like? You know,

what's, you know, what are things that he does do that you really value that you're, you're not sure if you can find somewhere else? I mean, eventually, down the road, you'll be less concerned about oral sex, you know, but that's, you know, that might be 20, 30 years from now. And right now, you're like, well, great, that's 20 years, 20, 30 years from now. But I definitely want to enjoy being in a relationship when I do want to fuck and I want to have sex and I do want to get kinky and I do want to do all these things and I want to do it with the person I love I don't want to give that up for someone just because like they're you know they open a door for me and they're not an asshole to me yeah I think that's the hard part because like I said I think this is the first relationship I've been in where I could really genuinely like see us getting married like we have those conversations like everything else

like obviously is not perfect and I have thought about like my 80 20 in terms of like what are the things that I could possibly live without um and I just feel like every time I evaluate it and this is one of I'm like can I really give that up like I don know, but I don't want to put myself in a position where I like jeopardize it or, you know, because I do value the relationship and I want to be with him, but it's just like this one small issue. Well, I don't think it's that small

because to me from hearing you, this is more than just he won't go down on you. It sounds like you two are just not on the same page sexually. You desire it a little bit more than just he won't go down on you. It sounds like you two are just not on the same page sexually. You desire it a little bit more than him or maybe a lot more than him. And it's a priority for you to be sexually fulfilled in a relationship. That makes total sense and it's totally valid. And despite how good he is overall, maybe he's just good, but not your person. I think when sex comes into play and when we're on the side of feeling less than satisfied sexually, I think we feel superficial and we feel like it's not a valid reason to end a relationship, especially if their other qualities are, you know, good character and you can trust him and other important characteristics. And while sex eventually fades, et cetera, et cetera, like to your point, well, that's still a lot to give up.

It sounds like you feel like to be with this guy, I have to really suppress my sexual appetite. I have to basically accept that maybe for the next, you know, 20, 30 years before I get old enough where I'm just like, I don't really care. And I don't, you know, oh, you talk to, I don't know if you're watching Golden Bachelor, but it seems like there are a bunch of horny old people like hoping to like get a last, one more last hurrah. So like, you know, while looks fade and it's not all about sex and relationships, I also think it's ridiculous to expect someone to jump into a committed relationship where they feel sexually unsatisfied. Because to your point, like, you can be someone who's like, I'll never cheat and I have high character and, you know, but as a human being, you know, you are setting yourself up for putting yourself in compromising situations. And like, you, you know, you can feel it that, you know, that if you don't get your needs met in one area, that temptation will approach you, you know, and maybe you never give into

that temptation, but it will be frustrating. It will suck your energy out of you to feel like you always have to say no, that's something you're pining for. And the guilt that comes with that, knowing that even that you want to, and even if you don't, it feels guilty to even want to when you're in a committed relationship and all those type of mental gymnastics you're going to have to do. So I don't think this is a little thing is my whole point. I think this is a justifiable frustration that you have. I think it's less about just like oral sex

and more about sexual compatibility. I do think there's conversations that you can have. There are sex therapists out there. There are people who can work with couples like you and your boyfriend and try to find some middle ground, maybe some exercises. He, at a minimum,

you should be able to sit down with him and just lay it on the table in a nice and nonjudgmental way that doesn't like emasculate him or make him feel like he's not good. It's just more about, hey, babe, I feel like maybe we're just not on the same page sexually. I feel like I just big picture wise desire it more than you. And that's okay. But I do just like, you don't seem to care, you know, I guess in a sense, like you acknowledge it. That is kind of what it is. You know, I just don't feel like you want to go out of your way because

I don't want to make you do something you don't want to do, but I don't want to feel like this in a relationship. So what do we do about it? That's a conversation you need to have, whether it's oral sex or how he speaks to you or his ability to balance work and life, regardless of the disconnect that any couple has. And right now your disconnect is the bedroom. Figuring out how to close that gap is paramount. I've mentioned the three Bs that my therapist Darlene talks about all the time, the broom, the bed and the budget. So the bed is one of the three biggest reasons why relationships don't work out. So this is not a small thing, you know, and don't downplay it for the fear of feeling like you're being superficial or, you know, it's wrong for you to want this type of thing. It's not wrong. It's totally valid for

you to want to be satisfied in your relationship, not wrong. It's totally valid for you to want to be satisfied in your relationship. But he needs to be willing to make you feel like he's willing to meet you halfway. And that his desire to satisfy you as a partner is greater than his desire not to give head. Yeah. I think, like you said,

I think it's maybe having the conversation in a more meaningful and constructive way. And like you just, I think it's maybe having the conversation in a more meaningful and constructive way. And like you just say to him, say what you said to me, listen, like, you know how much I care about you. I literally think about our future together, but this is something that concerns me because at the end of the day, you know, the way you approach our sex life is you are asking me to never orgasm and you don't seem to care all that much that I'm never going to. Yeah. No, but when you put it that way, it's like, that makes it a lot more, you know, it's a bigger deal. I think I've kind of just started to downplay it over time, but, um, it is an issue. Yeah. Because if you called me an issue yeah because if you called me up right if

you called me up and and or another caller and said you know i'm dating this guy and my boyfriend he's great and i think about our future together but he never wants to do the things that i want to do you know i really enjoy going to broadway plays and enjoy doing, you know, going on picnics and I enjoy listening to like music in the park. And he just refuses to go. And the one time he went, he acted like he fucking hated it the whole time. It was kind of a Debbie Downer and it ruined my experience. I think anyone listening would be like, well, how can you end up with that person? He never wants to do anything that you want to do, you know?

What's the fucking difference with what you're dealing with there's not much of a difference when you put it that way so i'm sure he's wonderful i'm sure you guys have a lot in common and it sounds like there's a lot of valid reasons of why you might want to spend the rest of your life with him but this is one of the big b's and he needs to acknowledge that and you guys need to find some middle ground where you both feel like it's a fair compromise he can work with this and yes i want to i want to satisfy my partner i want to make her i want her to orgasm i want her to feel good about sex and i'm gonna i'm gonna figure out how to enjoy it it's an acquired taste you know like fucking sipping whiskey you know just

have them fucking like acquire the fucking taste you know um but also at the same time maybe this is not him and there is a there is a world in which you two come to an understanding that as great as it is maybe he's just not your person yeah i think that's what i'm trying to avoid so i don't know i will i will like i said i do want to try having a conversation again i think we have to just make it less about the oral sex and more about you two not being on the same page sexually

yeah but you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling the way you do in the meantime it's always you know compliment him in ways that you do things that you do love about him be sure to express that you know I about him be sure to express that you know so

it goes a long way i tell him all the time i'm like you're a good boyfriend like he really is a good boyfriend no but be more specific why how why are you proud of him you know what what you know does he do anything where you're just like that i'm i'm so impressed by you babe that's really great of you how you did that or i'm so yeah like show some pride in him and what he's done and you know more than just like you're a great boyfriend you know uh make him feel good about be more specific yeah be more specific about what he's done and so you know that that goes a long way it really does yeah i will i will try and hopefully you know maybe if he has a little bit of an ego boost he'll feel like i don't know he'll want to lean into his sexual side more i don't know yeah i mean again i mean couples have you're not the first couple who struggle with this but

there's there's a path through and sometimes it might feel like weird to like oh we have we meet a sex therapist but at the end of the day if you two people want to be in a relationship they're going to have to figure out ways to make it work and connect make it work you know yeah and a great boyfriend if he is one is someone who's kind of willing to do whatever it takes to make their partner happy yeah and maybe that would help us get to the root of like what the issue is surrounding you know it's just yeah general with him regardless of what the topic is it is tough to feel good about a long-term relationship with someone who just kind of says you know know, sorry, too bad. And isn't willing to kind of willing to, you know, when they hear about ways that their partner is struggling and

feeling disconnected from you, to not say, what can we do? Because at the end of the day, what's most important to me is making you happy. And right now that's not his priority. And you need to find out sooner than later where, whether he's someone that multiple times throughout your life, he's just going to be like, sorry, too bad. You want someone who's always,

no matter what you're you, that you feel safe enough in relationship to go to him and say, Hey babe, this is how I'm feeling. I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm not saying it's your, my fault. It's just how I'm feeling and how can we figure this out together?

And he should say, well, thanks for sharing. Tough to hear, but yeah, let's us figure this out. What's on the table? And that's the energy that you're looking for. Not a, well, this is what I do. Take it or leave it.

This is who I am. So I let that be the deciding factor of whether this person's your long-term partner or not, because this is the energy he's giving you right now. And right now you feel like you may not have the right to hold him accountable because of the sex element of like, I don't want to be the girl who breaks up with my boyfriend because he won't eat me out. element of like, I don't want to be the girl who breaks up with my boyfriend because he won't eat me out, you know? But it's not, it's not about that. It's his unwillingness to try to do what he needs to do. Yeah. To work on it, to humble himself, to say, well, my priority is to make you happy. So how do we figure that out? And let's open every door and, you know, type of thing and look at all our options before we just say too bad. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you very much. All right.

Good luck. Please keep us posted. We will be dying for an update. For sure. I will definitely keep you guys posted. All right. Take care. Bye.

All right. Bye-bye. Hold on to your kilts, dearies. Peacock Original The Traitors is back with a new season of strategy, betrayal, sabotage, and murder. This killer season features an all-new celebrity cast that Vulture hailed as reality royalty, living in a Scottish castle for the ultimate murder mystery competition. We're talking fierce competitors, reality stars, and public figures battling it out for a whopping cash prize. This season's cutthroat missions are next level, just like whatever Alan Cumming pulls out of his brilliantly eccentric wardrobe.

One thing is for sure, these 21 players will do anything to avoid a plot in Alan's graveyard. Find out why critics and audiences alike are raving about the Emmy award-winning series The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders now only on Peacock. Zoc Doc. I love Zoc Doc.

It's so good. I love things that make so much sense. And Zoc Doc makes maybe the most sense in the world. Well, if you're not familiar with ZocDoc, let me tell you all about it. It is a really easy to use free app that will identify patient reviewed doctors that take your insurance and are available when you need them. Oh my God, does that sound incredible? Well, it is. And it's true. It's hard to believe, but chances are maybe you've recently left the nest, so to speak. You moved out of mom and dad's home. Maybe you turned 25, no longer under their insurance. And you know, you're not really going to the doctor. You're a healthy

person. All of a sudden, something shows up. You're like, I need to go to the doctor. I need to get this checked out. I don't know where to go. Who's my dentist? Who's my primary care physician? Who's my chiropractor? Who is my dermatologist? Well, let ZocDoc help you find those people. You want to go to a doctor you can trust? Well, ZocDoc, again, gives you those patient-reviewed doctors. Allie found even a hot doctor on the app. It was really great for her. While I was on a plane, on a plane to Denver, I found a hot chiropractor. I landed, I went and met him multiple times.

It's frustrating when you need a doctor and they're not available for like six weeks. And they're not hot. Yeah, and not hot. Yeah, there's that too. Well, with ZocDoc, you can see a doctor probably within 24, 48 hours in most cases. ZocDoc, again, is a free app where you can find amazing doctors and book appointments online. We're talking about booking appointments with thousands of top-rated doctors, patient-reviewed doctors, and specialists.

You can filter specifically for ones that take your insurance, are located near you, and treat almost any condition under the sun. The average rate time is between 24 and 48 hours. You can't beat that. Usually, you're waiting three to six weeks. Go to ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That is Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

ZocDoc.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Article! Well, this holiday season, it's chances are you might need to upgrade a bedroom a dining room maybe it's outdoor furniture well article does it all uh i've been an article customer for since this show started quite honestly i've had couches from them i've had outdoor furniture now and i received this summer some beautiful outdoor pieces well their mid-century modern coastal industrial scandi and bohemian designs makes furniture shopping simple. And they don't have any of those showrooms and places you can go where you show up and they're like, yeah, it's not available for a month

or six weeks or whatever. The great thing about Article is they, you shop online, it's super easy and convenient. They make the shopping and delivery process super easy. If you don't like it, they'll come and return it and exchange it for you. And because they don't have those showrooms that up their prices, they pass the savings on to you, the customer. It's fast, affordable, shipping across US and Canada. Plus, they won't leave you waiting around. You pick the litter every time and they'll send you updates every step of the way. And the majority of their items they have are available to ship now.

So if you want a new couch, a new table, a new dining room set, a new outdoor furniture, you can have it in weeks, not months. Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit article.com slash V-I-A-L-L and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Article.com slash V-I-A-L- L. How's it going? Going well. What's your name? Uh, Sarah and I'm 27. How can we help Sarah? I'm seeing my situation ship this weekend and I want to give him an ultimatum. Okay. Uh, tell us about the situation ship. So we've been like on and off in a situation ship for like almost two years now um when we first met we lived in the same city and we casually dated we were never exclusive and then we both moved to separate cities um and we kind of agreed that we weren't going to see

each other anymore because of that um but we kind of just keep we weren't going to see each other anymore because of that. But we kind of just keep coming back into each other's lives. And we visited each other like multiple times since. So he's come to me and I've gone to him. Now I'm in a point in my job and life where my lease is up and I can go fully remote. I can move somewhere. And I'm thinking about moving to his city, but only if he will give us a shot in a relationship. And I kind of I need to figure out how to tell him that without sounding creepy. Why? Give me an example of how you think you might sound creepy.

I guess because we aren't exclusive. We've never been exclusive. And moving across the country is a big deal. Okay, so let's forget about, for example, let's forget about the we've never been exclusive. What have you guys done? Tell me about the moments you've shared with him. Have you been intimate?

Have you had sex? Yes. Yeah. And how often do you talk? How often do you connect? We talk daily. Daily. So, I mean, yeah, if you were to look at us interact, it would look like a relationship.

It's just not. It's just not. So you have everything that a relationship often offers most people except the label, the titles, and the confidence that he's only focusing on you or whatever. Yeah. So, yeah, you're selling yourself short. Do you think you have a connection with this person? Mm-hmm. Do you believe that he has a connection with you?

Yeah. Okay. So nothing about that is going to sound creepy. Like it's bold of you to say, hey, I care about you. I like you. This relationship means something to me. And I'm willing to take a risk because I care about you. And I don't know if you feel the same way.

And you might not want me to, but that can't sound creepy. You know? Okay. It's not creepy to put your feelings out there confidently and be vulnerable to tell someone you care about them, especially someone who has no problem getting naked with you. So I only want to move to that city if he will tell me that he wants that too um so like i also don't want it to sound manipulative but to be like i think yeah i think you know well i don't think it's creepy to put yourself out there and shoot your shot i don't know if you lead with hey i'm thinking

about moving but i'm only gonna move if you date me like i definitely don't know if you lead with, hey, I'm thinking about moving, but I'm only going to move if you date me. Like, I definitely don't think that should be your pitch. Yeah. Have you talked about feelings at all with this guy? Yeah. You have. What do those conversations look like? They kind of suck.

He's like very bad at expressing emotion. So he like does a lot of stonewalling. Give me an example. Like if I come to him and I'm like, Hey, that hurt my feelings. Like, I want to talk about it. He'll kind of like, he'll just stop responding to me for like hours on end. And then he'll come back and change the subject. So that happens a lot. And if I ever do get him to talk about his emotions or my emotions,

then it's a very, like, it's very short responses from him like i can tell he's extremely uncomfortable okay well that is a red flag and that's something you should not ignore that is who he will be in a relationship you know and getting in a relationship with him won't magically make that better very Very true. Um, that being said, you know, that doesn't, that might just be who he is with you right now, given the situation you found yourself in. So I think you just don't overcomplicate this, you know? Um, have you ever shot your shot with him before? Yes. What did that look like? How did that go? So I mistakenly did not make it like an ultimatum,

and I probably should have. But I, and I did it over text. It was like really bad. I was a little drunk and I got kind of ballsy. And so I told him that I had feelings for him and that I wanted us to be together. And this was when we were already in separate cities. And his answer was essentially no, because of the distance.

And he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship. And then I think we didn't talk for like a month after that. I tried to just be done after that. And then we just ultimately came back into each other's lives again. How did that happen? How did you come back? Did he reach out to you? Did you reach out to him?

I believe he reached out to me. There was like two situations where we stopped talking for a little bit and I was the person to come back for one of them and he was the person to come back for another one. Okay. So listen, the good news is you kind of get an unlimited not unlimited but you get multiple times that you get multiple attempts at this it's just finding the strength to really like enforce that boundary you're trying to set and actually be willing to walk away you know i think you need to do a slightly better job of communicating those feelings up front. No, not over a drunk text and things like that, but you're seeing him this weekend.

Yeah. Okay. I like that. I wait till you do it in person. I do it at the end of the weekend. Now, whether you decide to like sleep with them in between, that's entirely up to you.

Obviously, if you do sleep with them, it's going to make it harder. But if you want to go out like with one last bang, you know, I'm not going to fault you for it. I would anticipate not getting the if you want to go out like with one last bang you know i'm not going to fault you for it i would anticipate not getting the answer you want at first i think in these types of situations that you're describing um he is most likely going to have to really actually think you're gone and then realize that he wants to be with you before he's going to give you what you want.

Most likely. Could be wrong. But right now, he is so used to having sex with you when it's convenient. And the few times that you have tried to ask for more, he has won the game of chicken, so to to speak by kind of giving you your space leaving you alone waiting for you to get just bored or lonely enough to reach back out or you know or vice versa yeah so i would go this weekend um and maybe the last day to say something i want to talk to you about i think i don't this is going to come as a surprise. Obviously, I brought this up before, but I can't do this.

I no longer am interested in doing this. And I think you really got to try practice this. Practice with a friend, practice in the mirror. Because I think saying it confidently really makes a big difference. And he has to believe that you believe in yourself to find better. That if he doesn't want to give you what you want and what you know, and he has to believe that you believing yourself to find better, that if he doesn't want to give you what you want and what you deserve, then as disappointed as you are and sad as you might be, that you're going to find it with someone else. He is not your last great, he's not the last man on earth. You're not the only person you can have a connection with.

He doesn't have power over you. You like him. You have a crush on him. It's good sex. You enjoy his time. You care about him. But if he is not willing to give you more than what he's giving you now, then this has run its course. It's no longer giving you what you need anymore. And then you just say that to him. And you're just going to say it matter-of-factly. And I would anticipate not getting the answer you want. So doing that, well, you know, you're not, if he's like, yeah, how's he gonna do that, he almost certainly will be like, well, as you know, I just don't want to do long-distance relationships, and then at that point, you can say, well, I knew you were gonna say that, again, I care about you, and if you were willing, you know, like, I care about to the point where I'm willing to do what it takes to make this relationship work, including like I can move.

Like I care about you. I have feelings for you. I want to be with you. And I'm willing to do these types of things for the people I want to be with. But if you don't see me as someone that you're willing to go out of your way for, then maybe I'm not your person. You really need to get fed up and you have to not be scared of the answer. Right. person you really need to get fed up and you have to not be scared of the answer right so should i not lead with the fact that i'm like ready to move should i see what he says first it's not about you being willing to move it's about because people can make long distance

relationships work you know almost certainly long distance like that's this is an excuse for someone who doesn't want to go out of their way. Yeah. So am I giving too much of my power away then by even mentioning that at all? No, no. It's powerful to put out what you want. It is sexy to be confident. It is sexy to be vulnerable and confidently say, this is what I want from you. These are my requests, my demands,

whatever you want to call them. I don't know if you want to give them to me, but this is what I know what I want. This is also what I know I don't want anymore. I don't want to just have a hookup. I don't want to just visit each other. I want to build something with someone and I want to build it with you. And then again, we'll most likely throw the long distance in your face. That's when you can say, well, I knew you're going to say that. I thought about that. And you know, I don't know if we're there yet, but like moving is something I'd be willing to do for someone I cared about. And I care about you. So if we got to that point, that is something I'd be willing to do. So it's not an excuse. And then you're going gonna have to make him think of some other bullshit excuse William just not you know but I can almost

guarantee you this is how that conversation is gonna go but I definitely don't think you should lead with by the way last time I drunkenly text you my feelings and you threw long distance in my face well now I'm able to move so we should date don't. Um, my lease is up. Like I have to make a decision by December. So I feel like there's like a bit of urgency. Um, but I don't know if this is like, I don't know if that's the conversation or urgency,

but there's definitely urgency. So like, how do I handle that? Well, we better bring it up this weekend. Well, yeah. Yeah. I hate that. I, I truly hate this for you in a sense, because even if you got the answer you wanted, you're making a pretty hasty decision. He might say, Oh my God, you know what? You're right. I love you too. And then two months from now you realize you don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like I would be prepared for that.

But like, because then I would at least know I could have an answer. The city he lives in. What are your thoughts about that city? I mean, I don't want him to be. Clearly, you're moving for him. It's like, yeah, I mean, it's a really cool city. And like, I would like, I mean, I would live there if he wasn't there. It's just not a move that I would make like at this time

in my life right now like on my own why just because of the urgency I think it'd be easier to stay where I'm at for another year and then go somewhere else like so it's not it's just would be more convenient not to like rush your decision

yeah yeah it's this this deadline that you have is really not ideal for you right because i might be wrong but i'm gonna you know i don't expect you to go there this weekend and get the answer you want yeah so do i tell them all right, you have until this date to tell me or like, no, I think you have to put it out there. And then decide almost independently or not of whether you want to move. Could you sell this to yourself essentially by, you know, don't lie to yourself. Don't try to pretend that you're going to move and he's not the reason you're going to move let's just put it out there just hey i would be moving for this guy

you're clearly honest about that but i'm also taking a huge risk and even if i get the answer i want in the next two weeks i have no idea how this is going to play out so even though i'm willing to move for this guy and he's the reason like i need to accept the fact that like could this also just be an adventure is this a big enough city with enough people that if things go south with this guy it could be a place where i make new friends start a new life try something out and if in six months i fucking hate it i can always move back like could you come in it with that type of energy because yeah it's just not gonna go good if you like hey by the way i need to know in two weeks

it just it it's again i don't know how he's going to answer but logic tells me that will make him give more anxiety around it and panic and feel like it's a lot of pressure for him to decide so he's just going to tell you no so what if what if i move there and then his answer is ultimately no then that's super creepy okay do you isn't or is that just me i'm sorry it's not great stop telling yourself you're creepy you're not creepy you're just not i can't i can't control whether someone thinks you're creepy so to to speak. But you actively care about not being creepy, so you're not creepy. I know. You know?

And I don't know what he's going to say about you or whatever, but it's bold is what it is. It's risky is what it is. It's adventurous. It's all a matter of how you sell it to yourself. What is your point of view? That's true. You have to own your decision. And so let's say for example, like you shoot your shot with this guy, you don't get the answer you want, or maybe you get some sort of lukewarm answer that he's like, well, I don't really know. And you'd be like, you know what? I've actually

decided I want to, I think I'm thinking about moving here and you can even say like given like obviously you're a big reason for that but i also understand that like you just don't seem to give me what i want but i am thinking about moving here and kind of put it out there i just i wouldn't like put it as like i need to know otherwise i'm not moving you kind of have to own, this is more about like, I'm willing to do something bold for myself. I want to do something bold for myself. I want to, and you're part of that. And I want to move out here. And like, honestly, you moving out to his city

and ignoring him and thriving, that's what it might take, so to speak. Yeah. But it is all about how you approach it you know you have to find that within yourself to be like you know what i'm a boss i'm confident i want to do this i want to be adventurous i want him but i don't need him and if he doesn't want me i'm going to find someone else that does and if he doesn't want to be with me i'm going to move to this city and i'm a fucking ball i'm going to be an independent woman i'm going to take to this city. I'm going to have a fucking ball. I'm going to be an independent woman. I'm going to take advantage of my flexibility.

I'm going to work from home. I'm going to go out. I'm going to join clubs. I'm going to be active. I'm going to say yes to things. I'm going to get on the apps. And yeah, I'm going to have some good dates and some bad dates. And I'm going to have some frustrations. But this year is about being adventurous.

And if you have that attitude, and if he wants to call, great. If he's not, I don't need him. Okay. I like that. I like that a lot. Remind yourself that this is a guy who hasn't given you any reason to think that he's capable of talking about his emotions. That might change.

I mean, he might open up, but right now, he also has some red flags as a partner. So instead of getting all sad that he doesn't want you and act like you'll never find a guy like him again. No, just remind yourself that like, yeah, he was great and I had good sex and he was a nice guy. But at the end of the day, like he really made me feel shitty a lot of the time. He never wanted to open up about his feelings. He made me feel bad for having feelings.

He never wanted to acknowledge or talk to me when I was upset about something. And he made me feel bad for when he hurt my feelings. I don't want that shit. Okay. So the conversation would be like, all right, I'm, this is my situation. My lease is up this time. And like, I'm thinking about moving or is that too? Like, that's not bold enough.

Yeah. That's not bold enough. I. That's not bold enough. I think you should start with just how you feel about them. Okay. So it's like this. All right, let's role play. Right. All right. I'm you, you're him. Okay. So I want you to answer the question. I want you to answer my questions as if, you know, give, you know, him best, you know what it's like to be turned down by him. Play him and don't give me the answer that I want me playing you.

Okay? Okay. You ready? Okay. I had such a good time with you this week. Honestly, it was a lot of fun. Yeah, it was fun. Great.

Well, there's something I want to talk to you about. Obviously, you know that I like you and I've expressed to you in the past that I have feelings for you. And after this weekend, it just kind of confirms what I already felt in the past is like, I think we should be together. I think you're great. I think we have a lot of potential. I think we're good together. I think we have great sex. We have fun. Like, um, I, I want to make this work. Well, yeah, but like the distance. Oh, well, I knew you were going to say that by the way. I, and I'm kind of crazy, but like with my job, I just realized that like, I not realized, but like I can work anywhere from home and like, I'm not going to pretend that you're not a big reason for a part of this decision, but like, you're definitely not the only one. And honestly, to be totally honest with you, even though I want us to date and I want to be with you, I'm fully expecting you to turn me down in this conversation, but I have decided

to move to your city. And I don't know if that's going to change anything, but like, you know, I, I, I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of being more passive. I want to, you know, I, I, I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of being more passive. I want to, you know, I want to go after what I want. I want to be more adventurous and this is part of it. And if you don't want to date me, that's fine. But I'm here to tell you like, this is over. I, I just, I can't, I can no longer, you know, hook up with you, you know, be unsure about where we stand. So if you don't want to try this out, if you don't feel the same way about me, then I think we should end this.

And no hard feelings. Obviously, I'm not going to pretend I'm not really sad about it. But this is over. Are we still role-playing? You don't have to be, but that's essentially. I don't know what he's going to say after that. Okay. But that's what you should say. That's how you should handle it.

That's how it should go. Some version of that. Okay. So, like, definitely taking more of a harsh, like, ending. Take out all the maybes. Take out all the probablies. Take out the uncertainty of what you're saying. You're just saying statements of fact. And listen, if nothing else, the worst thing that,

and worse, I don't think it's the worst, but in the moment you might think so, he might be, you might just get a real honest answer by saying, I'm moving and saying, again, I'm not going to pretend that you're not a big reason why I'm moving because I care about you. And obviously, I wasn't expecting you to give me the answer that I want, but I hope someday that you realize I'm worth it to you, but I'm also not expecting you to. So despite me moving, if you don't want to be with me, I am not moving for more sex with you, to be clear. And he might, out of a panic of you moving, knowing that he doesn't want to date you, you might get a real honest answer, which is like, please, we're never going to be together. Don't move from me, blah, blah, blah. He might go nuclear on you and it might

be really hard to hear, but that will be a truth that you will want to hear much sooner than later, because quite honestly, you know, I don't think it'd be end of the world. If you move to a new and exciting city at this stage in your life with the flexibility that you have carved out for yourself, like nothing really bad can happen. You know, you have a new adventure.

You can always move back here. Um, but if he's just like, fuck, you know, this, this is never going to happen. Then maybe that will make you recess, reassess moving to that city. If he's just like fuck you know this this is never going to happen then maybe that will

make you recess reassess moving to that city if he's like listen it's never going to happen please don't move you know yeah that that'll help you give a more honest answer sooner with your your pending deadline so to speak true so whether you actually decide to move or not, make him believe that you've already decided to move. It's not a maybe. You're not thinking about it. You're not waiting for an answer. You've already decided.

Okay. I like that. I like how bold that sounds. Don't give a fuck about what he thinks about that. Because if he has a problem with you being adventurous and bold and confident maybe he's not your guy ah okay I'm gonna do it alright amazing practice

practice practice practice practice with a girlfriend I mean I'm serious because it's gonna be difficult you're gonna get it's you're gonna your heart rate is gonna be racing you're gonna get there and you're gonna be like fuck and again if you plan on doing this at the end of the weekend after some good sex it's gonna be hard to like your heart rate is going to be racing. You're going to get there and you're going to be like, fuck. And again, if you plan on doing this at the end of the weekend,

after some good sex, it's going to be hard to like hear that. No, it's going to hurt. So you got to prepare yourself. You gotta, you gotta practice. Okay.

I will be in the mirror for the rest of an hour. It's before my flight. And just, you know, don't be like a dick but be assertive with what you want to do this weekend okay why because i just want him to see this person who's right now like you're the hopeful person in this situation ship and any of this situation ship there's a power dynamic here and he has all the power and he knows it. And whether he is actively taking advantage of it or not, doesn't really make a difference. He feels that power. And I want him to get an

inkling of the energy that you just don't need him, that he doesn't have this power over you, that you don't need him. You're not't have this power over you, that like you don't need him. You're not afraid of an answer that he might give you. Because right now he thinks that he doesn't need you, but you need him. Okay. You know, he wouldn't, he might not even say that or admit that. And if you pointed it out, he might be like, oh my God, I would never. But like, when you have power in a relationship dynamic, you feel it, you feel it more in control. You're just, you don't have any fear. You're just more outspoken. You're just like, eh.

But when people do these kind of inconsiderate things to you, it's because they're not worried about the repercussions. And if people who have more power in a relationship dynamic are often not worried about repercussions because they're like, well, I have all the power. That's super true. Yeah. I want him, when you kind of finally say to him all these things that we role played and that you're moving, I want it to make sense based off the person he hung out with all weekend. This kind of more adventurous person, maybe come in with like, because you plan on moving,

do some research about this city and places you want to check out. Oh, I've been looking at this place. I want to go check it out. I've been looking at this restaurant. I want to go here. We should do this. We should do that. All right. I will be bold. Okay. I believe in you. Report back. His answer is not going to determine whether this was a successful trip or not. Okay. Because what you're going to get this weekend is clarity. And that is what you're going for. You're not going for him. You're going for clarity.

Well, thank you so much. Yeah. And the last thing is if you do end up, you know, not speaking to each other again, you got to delete his number. You got to block them.

You have to get rid of access from him and you have to make him fucking track you fucking down if he wants to say i regret my decision okay okay okay i will let you guys know how that goes good luck thank you it's going to be great. Just probably not going to play out the way you want to in the short run. All right. Well, thank you. All right. Enjoy the sex. If nothing else.

All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye-bye.