The Viall Files - E684 Ask Nick - Bl*wjobs and Santa

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we read an email from a listener who’s wondering if she should confront the guy she’s dating over following a ton of naked girls.  Then, we get to our callers.  Our first caller’s landlord is cheating on her girlfriend, and our caller is wondering if she should tell her. For context, the landlord’s previous relationship broke up due to infidelity as well… but is it our caller’s place to step in? Our second caller hasn't found love nor dated anyone since coming out. He’s not into the hookup experiences of gay culture, and last dated a woman. Our final caller is looking for advice on how to return her ex’s things. This was a year long situationship, that ended when she saw him with another girl at the bar. She’s afraid he’ll beg for her back. “Sometimes breakups have to be black or white.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Chomps - With thousands of five-star reviews, snackers around the world have satisfied their hunger cravings with Chomps. Right now, Chomps is offering our listeners 20% off your first order and free shipping when you go to https://www.Chomps.com/VIALL  Vessi Footwear - Go to the link, https://www.vessi.com/VIALL for 15% off your first order! Free shipping to CA, US, AU, JP, TW, KR, SGP. Squeezed.com - Get Same day local delivery or Free Fast delivery nationwide by going to http://www.Squeezed.com and using code VIALL. Drizly - From holiday cocktail staples to new seasonal flavors, find all of your holiday drinks on Drizly. Download the Drizly app or go to https://www.Drizly.com Must be 21+, not available in all locations. Lume Deodorant - Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @lumedeodorant and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code VIALL at LumeDeodorant.com! #lumepod Apostrophe Skincare - We have a special deal for our audience: Get your first visit for only five dollars at https://www.Apostrophe.com/VIALL when you use our code: VIALL. That’s a savings of fifteen dollars! This code is only available to our listeners. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam  @dereklanerussell

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to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. Well, I hope you all had a very, very wonderful Merry Christmas, if that is the holiday that you celebrate with your family, and whatever holiday you celebrate this holiday season. I hope it was a wonderful one. I really hope it was enjoyable. Thanks for tuning in this kind of week where everyone just is kind of doing whatever the fuck you know they're off their schedule but thanks for those of you who chose us we're here we're

committed we don't shut things down well you can't get rid of us we're like a cockroach whether you listen or not we're just gonna drop the episodes but no we we thank we thank the hundreds of thousands of people who still chose to spend their december 26th with with us merry christmas ally merry christmas nicola merry christmas derrick merry christmas yeah or happy holiday yeah happy hanukkah also to you guys kwanzaa what are what are holidays are celebrated this time of year is boxing day around this time or am i making that up i think that's a british thing yeah right the day after but i don't know is that a religious thing or is that just no no i think that's a British thing. Yeah, right. Is that the day after? But I don't know. Is that a religious thing or is that just? No, no. I think it's just Boxing Day.

Well, didn't the Brits kind of make up their own religion after like the king couldn't have a baby or something? Didn't they like exile the pope or something? And they're like, we'll just do it. It was like the Church of England, right? Which is kind of made up, right? Isn't it? Not to offend the Brits.

Sorry if I don't want to. There's definitely some drama. There was some drama, right? With a king. He couldn't, you know if I don't want to. There's definitely some drama. There was some drama. Right. With a king. He couldn't, you know, I don't know. Got mad at the Pope. Got mad at the Pope or something.

And now it's the Church of England. I believe the Church of England started because King Henry VIII. Yeah. Yeah. Wanted to divorce. And that was not allowed. So he wanted to divorce Catherine Aragon. And then he wanted to marry ann boleyn who was

then his like second wife i mean they end up having six didn't he kill ann didn't he didn't he chop her head off divorced beheaded died divorced beheaded survived that was their order of the six wives man what a tough beat i think they just dropped just the raw history makes the guy who wants to just constantly hunt not look so bad. Because he didn't behead her. We have an update from... Our dear friend, as you said. Our dear friend.

That's what I titled the episode. Our dear friend. She's a gem of a person. We have an update from her. And that dropped last Friday. For all you people. Listen, it's behind Vile Files Plus. It's free to sign up.

Treat yourself this holiday season. Go to vilefiles.com and get an update from our dear friend married to a deer lover, the animal. It's a wild update. There's more. If you thought the story ended, it hasn't. There's more to it.

And we have... It's a wild... There's just more to the story. I don't know. It's more to it and we have it's a while it's it's there's just more to the story i don't know it's available to you guys just go to vilefiles.com check it out it's uh it's a juicy one because we've just experienced christmas and the three of us celebrate christmas i have been seeing a lot of discourse online about christmas traditions mainly when do you open presents do you open them one at a time does everyone open them together do you buy adults presents or just children nick you come from a big family does that affect things yeah we do a name in the hat sort of thing so which i truly fucking hate i hate our whole gift exchange it's like this whole convoluted thing that started when

we were kids you know the premise being that you know it was originated as a gift exchange for the siblings you know something the siblings could pick one name out of the hat because obviously getting a gift for everyone was too much especially as kids and ultimately that cost just got passed on to my parents they're like hey listen i've already got enough fucking presents then this turned into like having people's spouses. And then all of a sudden my parents are in it. Like what? What do you mean my parents are in it? We all can give our parents a gift, but now not parents.

It's the dumbest fucking thing. I truly fucking hate it. Nally's in it. Nally and I are not even, we didn't even go to Christmas this year. With the baby on the way, we're getting closer to her arrival and decided we've done a lot

of traveling. We've seen our families, you know, we're, we're not quite there yet, but in a, in an effort of abundance of caution, you know, we wouldn't want to be in a foreign land, so to speak, uh, if Natalie were happened to go into delivery much earlier than expected. So we decided to stay at home. So we're not even in our secret Santa, but, you know, we had to fucking do it. I don't even know who I have. And then the worst part is, it's like, listen, not all, not, I, listen, I don't, I don't, how can I say this? All of my siblings' partners are not created equally. And not in my mind.

You know? So sometimes I have to give a gift to someone who it's like, why am I giving a gift to this person? I don't even care. Anyways, clearly I have a strong opinion about this. Do you guys have any like bizarre holiday traditions that you fucking hate? I don't hate it, but I think it's probably rare that Santa still comes. What do you mean? Like Santa still comes to our house.

So there are specific gifts that are from Santa. No one's told you yet, Allie? No, no. So Santa still comes. There is a specific wrapping paper for the Santa presents. They are signed from Santa. They are in Santa bags that don't appear until after we go to bed on christmas eve and so how does this delusion play out at the uh martin household like who puts out the cookies are you all like in on it like do you all just

for 24 hours play into like it's santa's presents time or like how does this go like do you not thank your parents for the gifts when they when they give you because they still give us some from them yeah that's what i'm wondering some from santa if there's a gift from santa like do you just not acknowledge mom and dad kind of i guess which is sad i do the same my family does the same thing now does does does does s Santa bring your parents gift? Of course. Yeah. Who gets it?

And, and how do those come to pass? Who plays elf? I've never sent a gift from Santa. So I, I, they, my parents don't get Santa gifts,

but maybe Derek can eliminate. Yeah. Derek, how do you, do you play? Are you a, are you a Santa helper? No,

I would never take his credit. No, no, but Santa does bring a few gifts for everyone yeah it's like it's a few kind of special gifts that come from santa so my parents get them are my parents monsters for no for letting santa die no i think i think it just depends like we like to it's more like fun to keep the magic alive i guess i don't know i googled it you googled yeah i was like a kid i'm like let me google it it was like a really mean comment online it made me cry i went back through i saved everything and so i went back through to a note that i had from the

tooth fairy and i was analyzing the note from the tooth fairy which was in this really loopy script and on the very bottom one of the letters looked really sharp which looked like my mom's handwriting so i brought her the tooth fairy letter and then everything spiraled oh my that's how i found out about the tooth fairy was that i didn't tell my parents that i lost a tooth and the tooth fairy didn't come oh did you purposely test them yeah sneaky fucker but um my girlfriend's parents they promised that they would never lie to their kids so one day sydney just asked and they're like no it doesn't exist interesting yeah interesting parenting technique yeah i don't know if i figured out santa wasn't real or if i had the sex talk first if i'm being honest they both happened around the same time is that okay is that weird

i don't know i don't know either it sounds off uh blowjobs and santa well it wasn't about that it was just the very scientific part the p and the v type of thing yeah so no birds no no no stalks what is it storks storks well a long time, it was just like you pray really hard. And I was just always so confused because I was like, well, then how do you know when to take a pregnancy test? Every time you pray? No, only if you pray really hard. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So hard. Pray hard, hard, hard, hard. Pray hard, hard, hard, hard, harder, harder. Pray harder, harder, harder pray harder amen hallelujah yuck that's how you were

born Ellie your parents were praying praise Jesus anyways we'd love to hear about your holiday traditions if you want to and how hard your parents prayed. Yeah, how hard did your parents pray for you? Was it multiple times?

Was it every day? Was it every day? Yeah, sometimes you just got to pray once. Yeah. Nick only had to pray once. We didn't even pray. Now I'm confused at this medical. Do we have a writer enter before we get to our callers?

Yeah. Speaking of praying really hard, the subject line of this email, which really intrigued me, the subject line was, he follows naked girls. The email reads, Hi, Nick. I recently matched with this guy

on a dating app over a week ago now and we have FaceTime twice. I really enjoyed our conversations and was really looking forward to our date this Friday until I looked at the people he follows on Instagram. he follows just under 400 people and so many and so many of them are half-naked girls this is a huge red flag just in a few sentences they've they've gotten dressed

this is a huge red flag of someone i am just getting to know i was thinking of sending him this text hi anonymous, anonymous boy. I briefly looked at some people you follow on Instagram and saw they were all half naked girls. With that said, I feel it's best we cancel our date for Friday as we don't seem to align in what we want for ourselves. It was a pleasure FaceTiming with you and I wish you all the best. Would I be crazy to send this or should I just give him a chance and see how Friday goes? would I be crazy to send this or should I just give him a chance and see how Friday goes sending this text

would make me feel really sad but dealing with a guy that doesn't want that does this would be even more torturous please help what is this that he's doing following the half naked women you follow any hottie models Ellie like what like what is your you don't

know you follow any women yeah I've pulled some women, yeah. Some women? Name a woman, Derek. Yeah. Name a woman. You follow everyone you know, Allie? You don't have any thirst traps?

No, not at all. Not a single thirst trap. There's not a single guy that you're following just because at one point you thought yourself. Let me look. I have an app for this. Let's see who doesn't follow me back. But I'm guessing it's like mostly just the Kardashians and people that we've had on the podcast that don't follow me back yeah i think i i follow mostly people that i know or people that like have shows or

content that i like but i don't follow like random models on ig yeah i mean listen no first of all if you don't want to date this guy you've, you've matched with him on a dating app, and you have every right to find this to be off-putting and Nick, a turn-off, no problem. You're not in a position to lecture him. If you want to cancel on him, I mean, she hasn't even gone out with this guy once, right? You had a couple talks? Yeah, their date was set, but they've only done two FaceTimes. Okay. So if she doesn't want to go, don't go. She's never met the guy. She doesn't... Yeah, their date was set, but they've only done two FaceTimes. Okay, so if she doesn't want to go, don't go. She's never met the guy.

She doesn't... Yeah, I don't know if she really needs to lecture the guy. That being said, yeah, I just... I think we need to, like, chill out a little. I mean, I don't know. He's a guy who is into women, you know? And guys are visual creatures. So I don't think it's that big of a deal that he has a couple ladies that he, as a single man, assuming he's a single man, you know, enjoy his following. You'd have every right

as his girlfriend to say, as you got to know him and the relationship got more serious and, you know, if you guys decided to be in a committed relationship, you'd every right to say, hey, listen, that makes me a little uncomfortable. I'm assuming you don't know any of these people. They're not friends of yours. And as such, it would make me feel a lot more comfortable if you would unfollow those people. And if he is interested in making you a priority and getting to know you more and committed this relationship that, you know, we're hypothetically thinking, then that would make a lot of sense. But right now, like you, you don't know, like, what are you canceling? If you're canceling on a guy because he's make a lot of sense. But right now, like you, you don't know, like, what are you canceling?

If you're canceling in a guy because he's following a couple of quote, unquote, half naked women, like, you know, the difference between that guy and the guy who doesn't follow half naked women is just a guy who is a little more private with his, his,

um, yeah, he has the likes hidden. Yeah. He just looks them up. They don't, they're not on his follower page that's the thing you know that's the thing it is that's you know what is following someone yeah like following doesn't preclude you from like going on to anyone's page or things like that

so like listen he i i just i don't think it's that big of a deal. You know, he's single. He can do what he wants. And if you find it, you know, like, am I making sense? Yeah. And part of me is wondering, like, is there other, have there been other red flags that she's seen? And like, maybe she wasn't entirely looking forward to their date on Friday. So she was looking for something. I don't think so. I don't know. I think this is a pretty common thing that I think a lot of women do you listen it's definitely a

data point like sure but I don't know I consider myself to be an a-plus partner I you know when I'm in a relationship I'm a hundred percent I not perfect. I have to apologize from time to time. But when I'm in a relationship, the person I'm in a relationship with is my top priority. And I'm considerate and thoughtful. And if they communicate something that's triggering to them or makes them feel insecure, I very much like to go out of my way and make that a priority. But, like, when I was a single guy, well, granted, I know I have a lot of women friends, you know, so there's that. Some of those friends were, were and are models, you know, when I got into a relationship, like I, yeah, I started kind of slowly unfollowing people, like partly because like, I don't really keep track of who I follow

all that closely. And then sometimes someone would pop up on my page, they'd post something like, oh yeah, I forgot I follow this person. Like, I haven't talked to him in a while, I'll unfollow him. Or maybe it was someone I did follow because I found attractive from afar. And I was like, one day I decided to follow him, you know, for like no real reason. And then I would unfollow them. But I guess what I'm saying is there would have been times where people could have looked at who I followed and pointed out that he's following a handful of women and you could have certain opinions about these women's pages. And I don't think that speaks to how I am as a partner, how respectful I am as a partner, how considerate I am as a partner. All you're confirming is that this guy is into women. it as I am as a partner. All you're confirming is that this guy is into women. Maybe he entered one of those Instagram campaigns where they're like, you have to follow everyone I follow to

win this sports car. And they happen to all be female models. I will say, I don't think that's it, but maybe. Listen, one thing that this guy is doing, unfortunately, is potentially making women he's dating feel insecure or comparison is a thief of joy. Depending on who he's following, they might look a certain way and it might feel intimidating to the people he's matching with. So I'm not saying that whoever this writer in is isn't right to feel a certain way about it. But just being realistic is that he just sounds like another guy. And how he handles a conversation about this is the bigger indicator of who he is as a partner. Now, that doesn't mean on your first date,

you go on a date, assuming she's willing to go on this date, and let's say she's having a good date. I just don't think this is something that needs to be discussed on the first date. You don't know this guy. You have so much to get to know about this guy. And why he follows women on Instagram is like, in my opinion, like near the bottom of like things you need to get to know him. Cause I can, I can tell you why he follows women on Instagram. He's a, he's a heterosexual man, most likely, you know, and he's a visual guy and that's what

the platform is and if he's single then he has every right to follow whoever he wants but if you get to know the guy and let's say you go on three or four dates and let's say all of a sudden he's like I really like you and you're like I really like you too and he

and you start having conversations around you know what defining I really like you too. And you start having conversations around what defining the relationship might look like and what having more expectations of each other might look like and spending more time with each other might look like. Then at that point, it might make sense to be like, hey, listen, this is something I noticed when I got to know you, but I didn't want to make a big deal. And don't lecture him. You're not his mom. No guy wants to be mothered by his girlfriend. So stop being bossy. Stop telling him what to do. Treat him like an equal. Hey, I saw this. It bothered me. And I'm just like, would you be,

it would make me feel comfortable, especially if we're going to start talking about a relationship, would unfollow you know i'm assuming you know are any of these women your friends you know let's you know and assuming it's no then you'd be like well it would make me more comfortable if like the guy i'm getting into a relationship with isn't like actively following a bunch of like models you don't have to say half naked don't make him seem like he's some pervy guy. He's just a guy who's following models. It's not a fucking crime, you know, but you would have every right to say again, like this makes me uncomfortable. And then how does he respond? If he responds with, you know what? No problem. I totally understand. You know, thank you for sharing. I'm glad that you shared this with me. It's not a big deal. I'm happy to do it. I want you to feel

comfortable. I want you to know that I'm considerate of your feelings. Some version of that, green flag. If he gets defensive. Now, again, when someone gets defensive, you have to ask yourself, how did you approach that? Sending them like a text or letter and like judging them, you know, and making them feel like a perv just because like, what, he's attracted to women? You know, let's not like yuck people's yum. Let's not like normal people just because they have like a perv just because like what he's attracted to women you know let's not like yuck people's yum let's not let's not like normal people just because they have like a kink of some kind make them feel like they're creeps just because again as a single guy he's he's attracted to models you know what he does as he's entering a relationship is far more important you know so like and again how you approach it you know are you accusing them or are you asking them?

Are you making it about how you feel about a situation without making them feel judged? What you're doing is giving them an opportunity to see if they're willing to make you a priority. That's all you're doing. You're not lecturing them. You're not making them feel like a yucky boy or a dirty, dirty little boy, things like that. No one likes that. And don't be that person, you know, like behind closed doors, we all have a kink or two, you know, and he's just been willing

to share that to the world. So you don't have to go and make him feel judged for it. You know, again, if he's in a relationship, what is he willing to do for the person he's entering a relationship with? And use that as an opportunity to see how much they care about you at the appropriate time without throwing out accusations and shame their way when you are asking them to make an adjustment in their life. Because that's what it is. When you meet someone, you get to know them. After you guys get to know each other, if you like each other, then that conversation around defining a relationship, it's basically like, what adjustments

are you willing to make for me? Right? How are you willing to change your life? And then like, right, and we don't want to ask people like right off the bat to make drastic changes, but a relationship is about expectations. It's about sacrifices. It's about trying to, you know, meet in the middle with things that you're not compatible over. And you're going to have to do that with everyone. So let's be realistic about what we're asking people to do and let's not make sweeping accusations about people's character because they might follow a model or two online.

That's just my two cents. But let me know in the comments if you think I'm wrong. But again, I don't know if it's if it's all models you know then again you might have a right but like i don't know i just don't think it's that big of a deal also how old is this guy do we know um i don't believe she included either if he's under 25 then major like who gives a shit if he's like in his 30s then i guess you could judge him a little bit more but at the same time if he's single whatever well let us know what you think in the comments if you've experienced something similar what you would do in this situation

um yeah curious to know and also what your christmas holiday traditions are with gifts and all sorts of other things let us know talk to Talk to us. Or if you've had any drama. I would like to know some drama. Yeah. Good reminder. If you are dealing with some holiday family drama, you're not getting along with your boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, brother, sister, aunt, stepdad, doesn't really matter.

Write us in at AskNickAtTheVowFiles.com for all things texting, office hours, mediation, AskNick. You know the drill. Hey, if you've been fighting with your partner this holiday season, we love a mediation. We're here for you. Also, don't forget we have an Ask Nick special update for everyone. This week on Friday, Dear Lady is on Vile Files Plus. That dropped last Friday.

But this Friday, it's an update classic for everybody. So this week, we're just doing the Ask Nick style updates and your regular Ask Nick as you're listening today. Reality recap going deeper. Hey, it's the holiday season. We took a week off. You should too. Be sure to tune in this Friday to get the updates that you are thirsting for.

There's some good ones. And again, if you want to check out our wonderful dear lady, it is available behind BioFiles+. Also, a reminder next week with New Year's Day Also, a reminder, next week, with New Year's Day being on a Monday, we're pushing Ask Nick and Reality Recap a day.

Ask Nick will be on Tuesday, Reality Recap on Wednesday, and Going Deeper on your regularly scheduled program. Let's get to our callers. Let's get to our callers. how's it going good thank you you good what's your name my name is jenna i'm 32 how can we help jenna uh my landlord is cheating on her girlfriend again and i'm not sure whether i should tell her okay uh how do you know that your landlord is cheating on their partner? Well, I mean, I live here. So I do see a lot of comings and goings. Okay.

She was disclosing it to me originally that it was something that she admitted to me. She's been caught a couple of times. So is this landlord also a friend? Like it's not like a casual... Yeah. So she bought the house. I now rent her basement. I've been living here for about a year. So she's been dating this girl almost the same amount of time. She has been caught a few times. How did you, I know that. How did you move in? I'm sorry for interrupting, but like, did you know her prior to, or was this like a, you, you read something online and you became friends after you moved in? No, I knew her prior to, um, she originally bought this house

with her ex-girlfriend. Um, and we were just, I mean, I hated where I was living. She had offered, she wanted obviously a tenant that she knew and trusted. So it was kind of a perfect scenario. Uh, and it's honestly been a really good setup. Like her and I seem to work really well together. We both have animals. We've been really exchanging the household duties overall pretty evenly. But yeah, so that's how I got here. She did have a girlfriend originally when she bought the house that ended because of cheating. Someone, her girlfriend cheated on her. She ended that relationship. And then when we moved in here, she met her current girlfriend. That girlfriend was engaged. So it was kind of messy to begin with. Her current girlfriend was engaged at the time when

your friend slash landlord slid in. Correct. And did she break up that relationship? I mean, I only know what I've heard secondhand. And I've heard details from both of them kind of individually. The girlfriend will say that there was no overlap. My friend and I are pretty sure that there was. There was a bit of overlap as far as her severing financial ties and things like that with this fiance. So that lingered.

Does your friend slash landlord use that as an excuse for her own behavior? Um, not overtly, like not, I guess not obviously overtly, like she would use it the first time she got caught as people make mistakes. Like, look, you found me kind of thing. Um, time two and three three i don't think that excuse and does the friend know of all the other times that she has been cheated on by your landlord yeah so she's aware and so the first time it was caught by an apple watch she found messages between my friend and this other person the second time it was, I think more of like they were fighting and she kind of got her to admit that she was still talking to this person. The third time was the time that I emailed about, which was they were back together.

And it was my friend slash landlord's birthday. So she had organized kind of an outing of her own with her friends and her family and things like that. But she made an excuse to the girlfriend that they weren't in a great place. She didn't want to, you know, sully her birthday with some arguments or bickering, and she didn't want her to go. So girlfriend left. There was a big argument about it. But I found out at the party that the reason she didn't want her girlfriend there was because she had invited the other girl to the party. Yeah. Ballsy. Bold.

Right. Right. So next morning I had, so, I mean, very tiny, but my friend like had some other friends staying over. So I had gone upstairs just to hang out with everybody and girlfriend like flew in the house. There was a big audience. Everyone was there. It was really intense. And after that, we were all under the impression that this would be the tipping point. That obviously that can't happen. Either the relationship's over or we're not entertaining the conversations with the other girl, but it has

continued on like nothing ever happened. I know of two times now, one that the girl has been here, another that she has stayed with the other girl and her girlfriend is still here day in and day out, kind of like usual. And you're assuming that she doesn't know some of the times that you know of uh i mean i'm assuming based on like bickering that i've heard i mean it's not soundproof right we like she lives on top of me so i've heard uh things to the effect of uh i know you're still talking to her and she'll say i'm not you have to like stop being so overbearing and you have to try and trust me and that kind of gaslighting stuff. Yeah. And like, what is your current relationship with the friend slash landlord?

Since the whole blow up the last time, I think she's being very careful about what she shares. So I guess as to not like incriminate herself or I guess to prevent guilt. So she's a little distant, but she also doesn't have a whole lot of time when all of her time is split between two other people. So what is your motivation for potentially telling her? I think there's two for me. I think one is personal and one is friendship wise. I mean, I don't love watching my friend lie. Like, I mean, I, I, I know that she's not being truthful. I don't like that I'm watching her kind of mess with someone. That isn't, it's not kind.

It's not nice. It can be very cruel. But on my own personal side, I don't love that I feel like I'm kind of tiptoeing around the girlfriend when she's here. So you do have a relationship with the girlfriend? Not really, but she likes to play house a lot. She likes to be very much involved in like household maintenance. So the day that pushed me to email was she was outside for a couple of hours putting up Christmas decorations. And my thought was just like, I feel kind of trapped down in my apartment because my friend wasn't here. So her girlfriend was here alone and she was outside like doing yard work and putting up Christmas decorations. And I didn't love that I would have to either have interaction with her or placate an interaction just to like leave my house.

And when was the last time you talked to your friend about her behavior? When everything happened, when the whole blow up happened. What was that conversation like? Well, it was the next day. So she and there were a couple of days where she had told me that neither one of the girls was interacting with her much, which there I think that's probably pretty good. But she was kind of spiraling a little bit with not having something to fill her time. So I was just trying to encourage her that I don't think either one of these people is her people and that everyone getting space is probably not a bad idea.

And the fact that she doesn't have any hobbies or things to do to fill her time without a girlfriend, I just encouraged her to potentially focus on that. So it doesn't sound like maybe you've gotten into the tough love department yet. Not really. Like I did tell her that before the blow up, because she was being a little bit more honest with me, I had just said that I've been involved in my own situation before that I'm not exactly proud of, but gave me a lot of insight into the dynamics that could be going on. And a lot of what she's doing is what I felt like was done to me. And so I tried to articulate that because she was around when I was kind of going through my situation. And she was very much on my side, very much on how what they were doing was

wrong or how it was impacting me. And I was trying to kind of get her to see that side. But I don't know if she bit enough. Like, I don't know if she was buying into it enough or really seeing my side. So I don't know how impactful that was. Okay, yeah. Well, I mean, I think that's kind of the next step. You know, I don't...

Right. I mean... Well, and I mean, I did say, I'm sorry, I did forget this. So when she was outside working on the Christmas decorations, I texted my friend just saying that I was a little bit uncomfortable feeling like I was kind of trapped down there. And her response to me was, do you want me to get her to go inside? And I responded and said, I don't like, that's not what I'm asking for. I'm just saying that I'm uncomfortable interacting with her one-on-one because I don't want to incriminate my friend and

like cause a whole bunch of problems for her. But I also don't want to be cruel to her girlfriend either. Like she's done nothing to me. So I just don't want to be in the middle of it. And so she had just said, I'm so sorry, I'm putting you in this position. She's inside now. Okay. So that was the last kind of conversation we had about her. So yeah, I think tough love is the next step i mean and do you think you're at risk at all of your friend slash landlord being petty to the point where she doesn't like what you have to say so she asks you to move out no i don't know if it would get that far i do feel like i'm just kind of treading the line of i don't want her to feel uncomfortable in her house do you know what i mean like i feel like if i say i'm uncomfortable her. I don't think you should, well, I think you should need

to stop making it about you. And what I mean by that is this is about your friend's character. You know, this is about, I'm assuming you seeing your friend behaving in a way that you would like to think that she's better than this, that this isn't really who she is, but rather a result of who knows, you know, whatever childhood trauma that's rearing up or just, you know, she's stuck in a rut or she's not feeling good about her, where she is in her life and her relationship, you know, how her relationships have worked out. And as a result, as many people have before her has used that as an excuse to justify behavior that is unbecoming of her. Right. So I'm assuming that is the main focus. The fact that you have experienced things

that you can relate to what's going on in a way where you were on the receiving end of infidelity and things like that. I just think when we're, again, these sensitive topics, it's really, really comes, so much comes down to like our delivery and how we communicate what we're feeling. And we just have to be careful. It's nice to be able to have that example of like, hey, this happened to me from a relatability standpoint, but we have to be careful not to make it about us. Like you not doing this you're not you're not going to say what you're going to say to her because you're so deeply affected and you're so hurt by her actions you know what i'm saying because then it becomes you're making it about your feelings and that

gives her an opportunity whether she's right or, to like in her brain kind of be like, decide that she, you know, that life has gotten her down and then, and she can, it makes it easier for her to justify her actions because then she's comparing what's going on in her life to what has gone on in your life. You know, it becomes this competition rather than you sitting her down and saying something like, hey, listen, Becky, I love you, first and foremost. I just, I love you. And can I just tell you why I love you? You're this, you're that, you've done this, you've done that. You have so many great qualities that make me think that you're just a wonderful person and I value our friendship, which is why I'm going to say the following, you know? Right. I'm just really disappointed in how you've been acting.

I really think you're better than this. And you know that I know what's going on. I see it's happening. I hear you, you know, and you're hurting someone that you say you care about. And whether you want to be with her for the rest of your life, and you know, my opinion is that maybe she's not your person, but you must see that you are what you're doing to this person you claim to love. And I just think you're better than this. It's not who I think you are. And I just don't like seeing you hurt people that you love. And I don't like seeing you try to justify your actions. And

I don't like hearing you through the walls, you gaslighting this person. I'm your friend. I'm here for you. But as your friend, this is not who you are. It's not who I want to believe that you are. And this is hard for me to have this conversation, but you're better than this. And I really think you need to come clean. And you need to tell her, it's not really my business. I don't want to have to do this. I am really, again, this is not about me. You can even say that. This is not why I'm coming to you. But yeah, as an additional negative, it is a little uncomfy for me. And I don't want to be put in a position to lie for you. Because to me, that's not being your friend. I don't want to cover for your bad behavior. That's not the type of friend I want to be to you. I want to be a friend who has your back and holds you accountable and brings you up

and calls you out. And call me out when you see me acting the same way, but I love you and you're better than this. And it's that type of communication that I think she needs to hear. And even when you say something like that because even if she doesn't receive it well and she gets angry that when she goes back and reflects on the conversation it'll be about you're caring about her you're caring about her character who she is you're saying to her i don't i'm disappointed in you i don't like what you're doing but i am still your friend i am still here for you i'm not gonna abandon you because you're being shitty. You know, you could, if you wanted to, you could look at her and say, listen, I don't want friends like that.

I want nothing to do with you. And like, you know, you, you, you would be justified at doing that. You know, you wouldn't necessarily be, I don't think anyone could call you an amazing friend to her because amazing friends stand by their friends, even when they're down bad and they check them and they have these tough love conversations with them and they stand by their side. Maybe sometimes they have to like, you know, communicate a boundary and create some distance while their friend is acting a certain way because, you know, their toxic behavior, you don't want it to bleed into your life that sometimes that's appropriate,

but you can still be there from afar. You can still say, Hey, I'm here to listen. I'm here for you. But right now I just can't be just can't be doing what you're doing. I can't be associated with that. And that's being a friend. And I think that's the type of conversation you need to have for her, with her. I think you just have to be very careful about making it about how this is affecting you. And rather, this is about you wanting to be there for her. And you think she's better than this and you just want to challenge her to step up and do the right thing. I can do that. Great. Amazing.

Now, is there any, I do have like kind of a follow-up because this is obviously a reoccurring thing. If I do have this conversation and she kind of just further isolates rather than changing behavior. Like, am I thinking too quickly or like, should I give her a chance or I would just not, I'm not sure what to do if that's how she responds. I mean, yeah, I guess you're just going to have to see what happens. I think you're just focused right on being your friend's friend. And rather, I don't know if you need to insert yourself into the drama and tell this other friend. Maybe there's a point where you do. I would rather avoid that. Like my friend is my main focus for sure. Like her girlfriend is definitely a peripheral. I would just keep focusing on challenge your friend to do the right thing, even if she doesn't do it immediately.

You know, sometimes people will say, well, I told her or I told him to do the right thing and they didn't. So like, and then they just kind of accept their shitty behavior and they act say, well, I told her or I told him to do the right thing and they didn't. And then they just kind of accept their shitty behavior and they act like, well, because one time you mentioned it, that you didn't approve of it, somehow let you off the hook, even though, you know, you had no problem, you know, pretending nothing was going on. And I think you can still challenge your friend to say you need to tell her you need to tell her you need to come clean this isn't okay this isn't okay what you're doing is wrong i don't agree with it and if your friend wants to cut you out because she's getting annoyed by you constantly letting her know that she's acting poorly then you can cross that bridge when you get there. But I don't know if you need to tell her partner and insert yourself in the drama. I think focus on checking your friend, challenging her, and keep reminding her that she's better than this.

Eventually, you might get to a point where if your friend disagrees with you in the sense that she doesn't think she's better than this and she keeps acting poorly well then you're going to have to come to a point where you're going to have to you know is this person really who i thought they were you know right do i want to be friends with this person do i want to live here you know it is her house she could do whatever the fuck she wants and you're going to ask you're going to have to ask yourself do i want to just live here and tune all out the drama and just you know distance myself as a friend and like she could be my landlord but like she doesn't want to hear me constantly let her know that i disapprove of

her action so you know and that's the thing if if she is so annoyed by you checking her she'll distance herself from you you won't have to distance yourself from her. That's fair. And you'll just have to see where that goes. But I think that's the next move, is really having that tough love conversation. Lead with love, start with love, start with why you care about her, why you value her as a friend. And then the, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed, you're better than this type of energy. And don't quit on it. Don't just do it once. And you can say, like, I'm not going to give up on you because you're better than this. But like, this is not okay behavior, you know? someone that you care about very poorly. And I know you care about me and like how you treat people you care about is like a reflection of how you treat everyone. So you can't keep using,

you know, your own misfortunes and sadness. And, you know, I understand that you're not thrilled with how things are going in your dating life. I don't know if you want to go there because maybe she'll get defensive, but you know, it's not an excuse to treat people poorly. I don't know if you want to go there because maybe she'll get defensive, but, you know, it's not an excuse to treat people poorly. And and I don't think this is who you are, but it is how you're being. And and just, you know, tell her that you believe in her. When you tell someone you believe in them, you know, it really it it's easier for them to want to prove you right because you're saying, hey, I believe in you. You can do this. Right. You know, rather than like you suck and you're horrible. You know, how could you? You're a shitty person. You're doing this to her, what my partner did to me. And now I see you as I saw my ex-partner.

And then their focus is on defending their actions rather than you saying, I believe in you. You're better than this. You know, this is not who you are, but this is, you know, type of thing. And I think that's super helpful. Yeah. I definitely think that I can manage that. Great. Yeah. And just don't, don't relent. Don't back down because there's a good chance that you're not going to get through to her the first time, you know? Well, and I mean, I do know that my, like my gut tells me that all of these things are only a matter of time like there's there's only so long that these things can go on but there is a long

time that these things can go on so i just don't want to you know sit here and not do anything and just watch it happen kind of day over day and it'd be months later and it's just not productive or helpful or nice or yeah i don't know and then you could say things like aren't you exhausted lying you know don't it, what's the point? You know? Yeah. If you want to date this other person, then take, at least take a break. Just, just be honest.

But what you're doing is so beneath you. It's, you know. It really is. Yeah, it is. And I would just. Yeah. Yeah, go that direction. Thank you.

I think that's great advice. I appreciate it. Reassess after, you know, after a few weeks of that direction. Thank you. I think that's great advice. I appreciate it. Reassess after a few weeks of that conversation. Yeah, I'll have to try and get her on her own. She definitely has a... Her schedule is pretty packed with these girls, so it's kind of hard to find a minute. You essentially live with her.

I bet you can pin her down. Yeah, we'll see what we can do. You can even say, listen, there's something really important I want to talk to you about. When you get a chance, can you make some time for me? Take her out for like, you know, let's grab lunch, you know, like make plans with her and you know, this could be an overall positive interaction. Right.

Good idea. Okay. Okay. All right. Well, thank you so much. I really, really appreciate it. Anytime. Please keep us posted.

We are, we are invested. We want to, we want to know. We'll do. thank you so much i really really appreciate it anytime please keep us posted we are we are invested we want to we want to know we'll do thank you so much if she wants to come on with you we're happy to we'll see i mean i am like mildly paranoid she might see this but we'll be nice we'll be nice listen like you know sometimes we make mistakes it's not an excuse and it's not okay but you know it sounds like you do think she is better than this and you believe in her and you know i definitely do sometimes we will look back and think i wow i was i wasn't my best self i wasn't a good person there and i had to make some changes and she can or she won't and it's up to her but you know she's this this doesn't mean she's like an evil person it just means she's no and but the choice is hers you know like and you can kind of say that like you do you want this to be who you are, you know, because at some point if you keep doing this, like it'll be harder for me to, you know, say things like this isn't who you are. You're better than this. If you decide to keep doing what you're doing. Yeah, that's very straightforward. I mean, it's hard for her to argue with things like that. So it's I think it's the right approach. Amazing. All right. Well, good luck. Please keep us posted. Thank you. All

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How's it going? Hey, it's Bowie. I'm 25. My question is that I haven't found love and dated someone since I came out. And yeah, struggling here a little bit. Okay. When did you come out? I came out when I was 17. I moved to LA when I was 17. I'm from New York. And when you say you haven't dated at all, like you've never been on a date, you've never,

have you, have you flirted, you know, like done any hooking up or you're just saying you haven't been in a committed relationship. Like, what do you mean in terms of no dating well i've been like on dates here and there um but i've never like been in a committed relationship okay because i feel like you know the gays they're always hooking up and stuff no one's really like that old but i don't know yeah i haven't been in a committed committed Um, my last one was with a female RIP before you, before you came out. That was when I was like 14, but like, that doesn't really count. And like, she turned out lesbian. So like we were made for each other. Like, seriously. I understood. Um, well, why do you think like from your point of view, what has been the struggle?

Like, obviously, you mentioned, you know, everyone's hooking up, hookup culture. Maybe you find that to be more prevalent in the gay community, but, you know, here to say in the straight community as well. A lot of hooking up going on, a lot of noncommittal people, a lot of fuckboys, a lot of fuckgirls, a lot of situationships. Unfortunately, that is direction that dating culture in general has gone. But what else from your point of view do you think is your biggest struggle when it comes to your dating life? I think there's like this unspoken type of racism in the gay community. Yeah. Like it's hard to hear for some people, but I'm'm gonna say it anyway um and it's like less prevalent now but i remember when i first came out or like came to la people like on profiles like dating profiles what what have you they would blatantly say like no asians um no blacks or like you know like they

would be blatantly racist and now it's like less so but you can tell like people would be like an entire race that's not their preference um and like i think that maybe it's just on the dating apps um but yeah i think i kind of internalized that before i even like really came out because i came out when i moved here to LA. But I remember the first guy that I liked and came out to back in New York, which is like, I wasn't really out. It was just to him and one other friend. I remember him saying, I had feelings for him. And at the end of it all, feelings for him and at the end of it all um he was like you're a great person you're funny but too like too bad you're like you're Asian and so like he couldn't date me because I was Asian and I think I kind of internalized that part did he elaborate on that like he was just like they're

not my type so I kind of was like okay I I think at the time I like, I don't really know. Like it could be racism. It could be just be like, oh, like it's a preference. But like, I also feel like preference is a way of people being raped. Like, I don't know. I mean, yeah, it's certainly possible. I mean, can't really speak for those people. It sounds weird that he, you know, like I have physical preferences, you know, but I've

never described them in a way that included an entire specific like race. I find it alarming that anyone would put like an entire race in their bio as someone they don't want to date. And yeah, I think one could argue that's there's there's racism in that well that's what also baffles a lot of my straight friends when i like have told them some of these things and they're like there's no way but it's kind of but i guess here's my question here's my question like you know you've been on the dating apps right you know dating apps you're matching you know they're they're serving up hundreds of options is this something that you're seeing with like an

alarming number i mean listen anytime you see it it must be triggering and alarming i recognize that right it's like you know we talk about social media right in in the sense and give me some slack here uh but you know if someone you post something you know i have a large following someone you know it's just like a lot of like, oh, great job, Nick. You're great. You're this, you're that. And then there's one like, I fucking hate you. That's triggering. I see that. I recognize that. That'll stick with me more than all the other positive comments because it's hurtful, right? And that will affect me. And I guess my question to you is, as you reflect back on going on the dating apps, recognizing that seeing something like that is triggering and hurtful to you, is it the majority or an alarming minority in terms of how many? Or is it just that it's just triggering the handful of times you do see it am i making sense i think eight years ago when i first came out here like it was more triggering then and then

like after working through like what it brought up in like from inside of me it like affects me less like i don't really i'm like whatever like i don't really care um in terms of like i know it has less to do with me like people are just kind of like i don't know well i mean yeah for the person like whoever that was who said that to you it literally has nothing to do with you it doesn't have everything to do with how they're why they believe what they believe and they're upbringing and i think that's kind of the thing that you should try to focus on the most is as hard as it is to hear something like that. You know, that's that's their issue.

It's not your issue. You know, and like and any type of rejection is triggering and it makes us want. And when we get rejected by anyone, we is this our that's the shitty part about our egos is that in a weird fucked up way it makes us want their validation more you know even if it's a very hurtful type of rejection and or a rejection that we should in theory acknowledge that wow that's that person really revealed themselves i i that's not someone I want in my life. You know, they might be fun to hang around. You know, like that person,

it sounded like you had a connection and you liked them. And all of a sudden they're like, oh, too bad this. And like, wow, I'm in fuck. Like, I can't believe they said that. And instead of being like, oh my God, like I guess thank you for letting me know who you are because now I know that I shouldn't be hanging out with you in a weird way. It makes you want to figure out how I can change how they

think and feel, you know? And sometimes the key to dating really is just accepting people for who they are and letting them go and not investing our energy on the people who won't accept us and refocus our energy on the people who do. Because unfortunately, we can't change people. There is a lot of bigotry and hatred and judgment in this world. And our time is usually best served focusing on the people who will accept us for who we are and love us for who we are and things like that.

Yeah, I guess. More so, I think it's like, because I've kind of like had that experience for a couple years and like, you know, just like with people here and there versus like, you know, being in a relationship and stuff. I think I kind of like avoided it until recently because avoided what specifically just like um even like putting myself not like putting myself out there but like going on dates and like

swiping on the apps because i'm like you know what it's fine like i don't i don't need a man like i don't need to be in a committed relationship. Like I love being single because I could do whatever I want. Just like in terms of like, I live alone. I love living alone. I don't know. I love being single, but then I'm like, it'd be nice, you know, to be in a, like a committed relationship. I'm turning 26 tomorrow.

Yeah. Listen, I think what you're saying is very relatable for a lot of people listening regardless of their you know sexual preferences you know gay or straight in the sense that um that's amazing that you have independence and that you see a lot of the perks and benefits of your independence and being single because it is fun to do whatever the fuck we want when we want and not have to answer to people and not have expectations to want when we want and not have to answer to people and not have expectations to make sure, you know, and to have to compromise because that is what is required in a relationship. On the flip side, there are a lot of fucking perks to having a

partner and being in love. And unfortunately, you've experienced, like many people, you know, you've, rejection, some of that rejection has been hurtful and alarming and triggering, you know, you've rejection, some of that rejection has been hurtful and alarming and triggering, you know, and that when we get rejected for whatever reason, it hurts and it's sometimes hard to recover from. And you just want to make sure that while it's great to embrace the single life and it's great to see the value in being single, you don't want to avoid, you know, putting yourself out there and risking being hurt again and risking heartbreak and risking rejection or risking being very disappointed in your community and experience bigotry and hatred and ignorance and things like that. Because, yeah, dating can be very disappointing and defeating. And you just got to keep your spirits high.

And it's finding that balance between, again, appreciating where you're at. You're recurrently single. And then being patient. And while you are turning 26, not sure how you feel about that or where you thought you would be at 26. Again, I've said this multiple times. For me, turning 25, 26 was a very difficult time of my life because I had a lot of expectations of where I thought I should be. I had all these hopes and

dreams and determined I was going to be a certain place in my life. And then life happened quickly. Then I turned 25 and I wasn't where I wanted to be. And it was hard for me to do. And I put a lot of pressure on myself and I made a bad situation worse. And then I got some perspective and I realized, you know, while I am older than I have been before and I've never been this old, so I feel old, I'm actually quite young. You know, I still have a lot of life ahead of me and it's okay that I'm not where I thought I would be then and i had to try to practice patience and things like that and so it's just kind of striking that balance more than anything to again when you are single and you're going out with your friends and you're having a

good time and it's 2 30 in the morning and your friends are like let's go do this crazy shit and you're like that that sounds fun. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I don't have someone who's like, hey, I don't want you doing that. You appreciate that independence, you know, but you don't want to use the benefits of being single as an excuse to avoid taking risks with your heart because you have to put yourself out there eventually if you want to be in a committed relationship. And regardless of who you love, that everyone who puts themselves out there and everyone who goes out into this kind of crazy dating world out there is unfortunately experiences moments where the people they are dating very much disappoints them. It's very discouraging.

You know, we hear from a lot of women about like the quality of men out there that today, you know, we hear from a lot of women uh about like the quality of men out there that to date you know we hear from a lot of men who are frustrated with the women they have to date and sometimes you know when we go out and date and we have these bad dates and bad interactions it can be very defeating it can give us a negative point of view on our options and it can cause us to generalize about our options. At some point, from a woman's point of view who's straight, she might say, all straight men suck. Guys, we've talked about this recently. And we have to be careful, whoever we are, to not do that. Because while there are a lot of bad actors out there and there's a lot of people out there who will disappoint us,

there are good people out there. And the struggle with dating is trying to find them and shifting through dirt to find gold. And that might not be something that's kind of a general answer. And it's not like an immediate solution because a lot of this is just requires patience and resilience. But it's just important to keep that perspective to not, you know, to just not get you down because that's the thing. You just don't want to get to a place where you've given up on love or given up on dating. You're, you're too damn young to have given, you know, to, to be discouraged to the point

where you don't want to try, you know? Yeah. I feel 85 inside. Um, but I also feel like, but you're only 26. um but i also feel like but you're only 26 uh listen um i feel like not focusing on my dating life it kind of forced me to like focus so much on the other aspects of like my life like my career and stuff and like doing things outside of dating but i also feel like it's affected me going like and being social like i don't really go out that often anymore because like I've been kind of just like very comfortable.

Comfortable can be great. And sometimes comfortable can stop us from pushing our limits to, you know, to see what we're capable of. You know, recently I just got done doing that show special forces, right? Like that show was about taking away all the comforts of quote-unquote celebrities

and their cushy privileged lives that we all have and put us in an environment where it wasn't comfortable at all and we were pushed and we were asked to like test our limits and that was the purpose it was a show granted but you know it was to see if we were willing to test our limits, to get out of our comfort zones. And those of us who did that experienced a really rewarding thing to say, hey, wow, I am capable. I went into this experience not thinking I could do that and then realize I did. And when we have those opportunities in our lives, whether it's a TV show or just in life,

it helps us grow. It helps us take bigger challenges and bigger risks. Sometimes we will take a risk, it won't go well, and then we have to reassess that. Like, oh, maybe I pushed it too far. Maybe I got to pull back a little bit. But sometimes comfort, it can be a negative because it will tell us, oh, you know what? Everything's fine. It's good.

I don't really need to risk this. I don't need to risk that. But then we stop growing, you know? And then sometimes when that happens, when we get really comfortable, you're 26, if you lean into your comfort so much, you're going to wake up and you're going to be 30 and you're going to think, what have I really done in the past four years? I've kind of done the same thing. How much have I grown done in the past four years? I've kind of done the same thing. How much have I grown? And some people will look back and be like, fuck, I didn't push myself enough.

I got too comfortable. I got too content with where I was. I didn't take any risks. I didn't try to do something where it was possible that I would fail because I really enjoyed the comforts of my life. And so much of life is striking that balance between enjoying the comforts that we've worked hard to have and then the willingness to keep pushing those comfort zones to see what else we're capable of to expand our circles of influence, our career opportunities, our friends, our chances at love, meeting new and exciting people, a willingness to date someone we never might thought we would date, our friends, our chances at love, meeting new and exciting people, a willingness to date someone we never might thought we would date, you know, and then finding

out, wow, I really attracted to this quality and this personality that I never considered before because I took a risk, you know? You know, like something as simple as like, I'm a picky eater, right? I'm particular. And sometimes as a a kid there were things i wouldn't even try and then in my 20s i was trying new foods foods that i like oh my god i fucking love this how did i go this long in my life without eating this shit and now it's just like and yeah it's simple we're talking about food but like that is a i literally in my mind in my picky brain eater mind i took a risk and it benefited me and now I'm better for it. Because now I'm enjoying more things while I've increased my palate. And you just have to, to me, it sounds like you just have to find that balance in your life

between appreciating where you're at, enjoying the comforts that you have, and figuring out what risks are worth you taking and and challenging yourself at certain times to get out of your comfort zone be willing to be hurt be willing to be rejected be willing to be disappointed because every once in a while you won't be you'll push through and you'll find light at the end of the tunnel and it will feel very good yeah i think i need to shift like the risk of like because i take a lot of risks in terms of in terms of like my career and like me just moving out here alone and everything um there was this episode of like will and grace where he was like he never thought that he would be someone who ended up like 40 years old,

just another lawyer with like a bunch of stuff. Like materialistic items. Yeah, sure. And so like, I don't want to wake up and yeah, because he invested a lot in his career, but then didn't prioritize his personal life. He didn't strike that balance. Right. And that again, that's what I'm saying. Life is all about, you know, every once in a while doing an inventory about where you're at. And again, so like sometimes people will say, well, I'm comfortable where I'm at. I'm having so much success in my professional life that will, that makes up for what I'm not getting in my personal life. And they will tell themselves, well, I'm happy. I'm fine. I'm comfortable. I don't need love. I'm comfortable being single. That allows me to, you know,

I don't need love. I'm comfortable being single. That allows me to grind in my work. I don't have to come home early to cater to my partner's needs. I'm allowed. And that helped me move up the court ladder. But some of those people do wake up and they're 40 years old and they realize they haven't had any romantic connections. They're kind of lonely. Their careers, as successful as they are, are making six figures or hundreds of thousands of dollars, you know, feel unhappy because they're only getting so much out of their professional career. And they've kind of lied to themselves about their need for human connection and social interaction and a better balance in their personal life. But they weren't willing to acknowledge that truth because they were having enough success to kind of mask that.

And so again, just striking that balance. And one aspect of your life, you're willing to take these big risks. You're willing to move. You're willing to try out new cities. You're willing to invest in your career. is a way to avoid, you know, the emotional aspect of your life and putting yourself out there and, you know, willingness to meet new people at the risk of them disappointing you and hurting your feelings. Yeah. I think I'm a generally like social person, just like friends wise. But then I think dating wise, it's a mess. And I just like, feel like how have I not been in a relationship?

And so I'm like, I need to at least get my heart broken. That's like, you know, like, like I need to get into a relationship at least. So I like. Sure. But you don't need to. And you're still young. You're younger than you realize. And stop judging yourself because you haven't been in a relationship. I know that might be easier said than done, but you're just not doing yourself any favor by saying somehow you're less than or you're doing it wrong because you haven't had a partner in the past five years. My guess is if that was your only goal in life, if you're like, I'm going to die tomorrow if I don't get a partner, you could do it. You could go on the apps and you could decide to date someone. They may not be your first choice. You may not be in love, but you could have a boyfriend if you really wanted a boyfriend, but you are particular and you, and you're not just going to settle and you're not just going to date anyone,

but that's going to require patience. And that's going to, you know what I'm saying? So it's, it's finding that balance between how patient do I want to be? How particular do I want to be? But don't judge yourself along the way that doesn't do you any good. I guess I'm not, I'm not like really judging myself. Like I get it. You are when you say, you know, I don't, I think we judge ourselves more than we realize. So when you say things like, oh, I've never had a boyfriend, I've never had a partner, I'm 26 years old, that's judgment. You know, you're, you're implying that you could have done something differently and

that something different would have caused you to have a partner and that you don't have a partner. And we do those little, we do those little judgments about ourselves, you know, and we put ourselves down, you know, and I'm just saying it doesn't do us any good, you know? Yeah. And if you really wanted a partner, I'm confident that you could.

It's just that you may not want a partner that you really want and that's good to aim high. But what you're not doing, from what I'm hearing, is putting yourself out there as much as maybe you should when it comes to your dating life. And it sounds like, unfortunately, you've had some bad experiences dating as many people have, and that it's been hurtful and it's been discouraging and totally understandable and relatable where you've probably been like, you know what? I don't fucking need this shit. I have so many other things going on in my life that do make me happy.

Why am I doing things that don't make me happy? And that's sometimes how dating can be. And that's why we, people will give up on dating because it's like the only, dating sucks and I'm always fucking miserable, you know, but it's again, finding that balance. It's putting yourself out there, you know, if it gets, it's discouraging, pull back, take a break. you know, if it gets, it's discouraging, pull back,

take a break. But we do have to keep, you know, unfortunately you have to keep putting yourself out there because there are good people out there and you will make connections. But on some level is a numbers game, especially nowadays. Yeah. Sorry.

I feel like you want to, I feel like I'm disappointing you with my, like, there's like no magic pill in terms of solving i mean there is not a magic pill i think it's every time i think about my dating life i'm just like oh my god well that's the thing you need a more positive outlook i'm rambling i'm saying all these things and you're just kind of like yeah but you know and again it's discouraging i just i think it's you can only control your you can only control what you can control.

And you can control your perspective and your attitude about any situation. And if you're going to think negatively about a situation, it tends to be negative. And I know that might almost be an irritating thing for me to say for someone who's out there trying and dating. But our attitude towards what we do drastically will dictate how we feel about something. It just is a matter of fact. So try, I think if you can, to have a more positive outlook about dating. Yeah. I am curious, like what in your brain, like you're saying like, oh my God, like how are you going to finish that sentence because i like obviously like nix advice stands of but but i'm curious like kind of like what we're up against so to speak of like like what's going on in your brain that's like maybe not taking on a

more like positive or however you want to describe attitude right now this is just me being jaded because i know that all of this like and like said earlier, like I know all of these things and like nothing you're saying is irritating because I know it and I recognize it. I just don't really know where to go from. What do you mean? Do you mean like in terms of like how to do you feel confident that you were like dating is something I want to incorporate in my life right now? Because I think there were times during the call, like sometimes it felt like dating right now it was like a should for you like well I should like I'm this age I haven't had a partner or like I don't want to end up xyz and then sometimes it felt like it was like a genuine like this is something that I want to do to push myself so it's like do you feel like

you are settled on dating as being something that is truly like self-motivated and something where you're like I know that this is something I want to push myself to do right now or are you unsure and like there's a part of it where it might just be like oh I feel like I ought to I feel and I know that like I want a family okay like I want the whole like I want a family I want kids and I think that's partly because I came from a broken family. So like, I obviously like want to make a family for myself in the future. It's amazing. And I think that is like my end goal. And a lot of like what dating culture is, I feel like it's not that, and that's like the same across the board. But a lot of it just is patience. It took me, you know, 40 some years to

get to the place that you're describing. And I thought I was going to have it at 25. And when I said like a lot of me having a midlife quarter life crisis at 25 had a lot to do with the fact that I wasn't on my way to like finding love and having a family at 25, 26 years old. And that really affected me big time. And I had to reshape my perspective and expectations on love and dating and myself. And I guess my question, like I have a question, like, how do you feel about yourself as a potential partner? I feel like I'd be great as a partner. And I think that I understand that, you know, all these couples are like, you have to love yourself first. But then honestly, like if you look at some of these couples, I'm like, okay, there's no way you loved yourself first. Yeah. There's a lot of people in relationships that shouldn't be together but that really has

nothing to do with you and don't let again like if you that's what i'm talking your attitude you know dating sucks it's only gotten more difficult and harder relationships are a fucking grind we're less committed if we wanted to sit here the three of us and rift about how fucking terrible dating and relationships are in 2023 it'd be pretty fucking easy for us. We could together, the three of us, like commiserate and gripe and be justified in doing so about how much love fucking sucks. You can't trust people, people cheat, all this, like it's not hard to do. And if we want to, you know, but that's not going to get us anywhere, you know, and we just have to, not to be like a, you know,

motivational speaker or hurrah, but like it is out there and it's available. But sometimes the irritating part is that it just requires a lot more patience than we want. Like, you know, you're sitting here like I want a family someday

and like pragmatic Nick might be like, well, I don't know. You might not get it for 12 years. And right now you're like 12 fucking years you know i don't know what life's gonna bring you you know what i have learned for myself you know at when i was your age is to try to just accept life as it comes and appreciate where i was, sometimes easy to do, sometimes hard, and still be able to appreciate where I was while still having goals and still be able to say, well, this is great and I'm happy and I'm thankful for where I'm at in my life, but I also want this and I also want that.

So I'm going to keep working at it and I'm going to keep trying. And then I tried and I thought I had something and I thought it was there and then I and then I didn't and then you know like a relationship you know and it rebroke up and I invested two and a half more years in someone that I thought I was going to marry or thought I was going to have kids with and then realized we weren't compatible and that was difficult and hard and discouraging and then you know it was a reason for me to like be like fuck this man like I'm never going to find that but I had to keep my attitude on a more positive light. I had to say, hey, I learned from this. This was a good relationship. It didn't be the relationship that I ended up wanting for the rest of my life, but I learned a lot about myself and I had some

great memories with her and I'm going to cherish these two and a half years rather than thinking it's a waste. And so I just kind of kept my attitude about love and dating a lot more positive. And I still got hurt along the way. I still was very discouraged. I had a lot of people disappoint me. I still didn't want to quit on the idea of having a family. And it's this kind of life is a lot about being resilient and taking the good with the bad and not feeling sorry for ourselves more than we need to. There's always an acceptable amount of grieving and being sad. And then there's wallowing in our self-pity. And for me, just from my own experience, things really changed for me when I was able to strike that balance between appropriately being sad when life got me down and being hurt.

And, you know, whether it was therapy or talking to friends and then saying, you know what, it's, it's time to move on. It's time to go forward, you know? And that wasn't always, it wasn't a switch. I had to sometimes fake it till I made it. There were times in breakups in my twenties where I was heartbroken and disappointed. And when I would go out and people would be like, how are you doing? I'd be like, I'm fucking miserable, man. Fucking sucks. I'm not happy. And that's how I would answer people. And people, I just came across as this fucking miserable guy. And then a couple of years later, I experienced heartbreak and pain. And I had this conscious thought of like, I'm not going to do that again. And so I took like a month off. I didn't go out. I didn't really do much associating

with friends because I was just sad. And I just didn't want to interact with people. But eventually, I told myself, I need to get out. But I wasn't over it yet. I was still sad. But I was determined to not let be that negative person. So when I started going out and people were asking, hey, how's it going? I would be like, great. And inside I felt empty and sad and miserable. But I that eventually saying I started it actually started becoming great. You know, I started getting out there and that attitude. And I started seeing the positive things in the world because there were things that I should be grateful for. I had a lot of reasons to say that life was great for me. And as soon as I started saying it and projecting that energy, I started actually realizing that was true. And that became something I had to work on. I actually had to learn that skill. It's so crazy because every other part of my life is I could, like, I could be that. And it's just like my dating life. Like, I'm just like, cause I'm like stuck in between. You're not alone. You're among friends. You know?

I just am stuck in between. Like I already, like internally, the thought of having someone else sleep in the same bed as me, my claustrophobia, that's number one. But also I'm just like, do I even have the ability to love someone else? Because I'm like, I like the thing is that like, I will never be heartbroken over a guy more than like two hours. Well, maybe you just haven't really, you haven't really loved yet. And that's okay. Maybe you just, you haven't been in that type of relationship where you really completely trusted someone and gave your whole heart to and they gave it to you

and you shared your life and you met each other's family and you created new memories and new experiences and then you lost that you know maybe you see that's what i'm trying to well i guess i need to experience that but then i'm like hopefully i don't but but who's what i'm trying to well i guess i need to experience that but then i'm like hopefully i don't but but who knows what i'm saying is i very much relate you know we have a lot of differences you and i you know but what we do have very much have similar as when i was at that stage of your life i had a lot of these same feelings and fears that you have for different reasons, you know, caused by different people. But, you know, I'm just here to say, I feel like maybe if you try to just A, be a little more patient, be more open-minded to what life is going to bring you. Stop, you know, reduce your

self-limiting beliefs. Stop trying to plan the rest of your life. You know, it's good to have a general good goal. Hey, someday I want to have a family. Someday I want to find love. Someday I want to be in a committed monogamous relationship. Great. But I want to have that at 27. Well, now you're kind of setting yourself up for disappointment. You know, it has to be with this type of person. It has to be this. It has to be that. I would pull back on some of those, you know, the specificity and just have those general large goals and just be open to, you know, how it comes along and be patient along the way. And knowing that the rest of your life is a very long time that let's just assume you're

going to live to your 80, 90 years old. And, you know, if you were to know, uh, that's what makes me fucking depressed. I'm just kidding. Well, hopefully you do. I'm just like, why is life? Cause everyone's always like life is so short. And i'm just like why is life because everyone's always like life is so short and i'm like girl life is so fucking long i can't i can't do it yes you can i mean listen i we can go on and on but i strongly feel after talking to you it's

really just about changing your attitude sometimes and it's okay to you know sometimes we just want to gripe sometimes it feels good to vent and get it out. But we do have to police that. We have to police our thoughts. And I am someone from personal experience that wasn't good at that. And it negatively affected my life. It cost me months. It cost me relationships. It just generally made me sad. And once I changed my attitude, the only thing that changed was my attitude and my approach at seeing situations differently. People didn't stop disappointing me. The world around me didn't drastically become magical and better. I didn't enter in some sort of utopia society. I just changed my attitude and I was able to work through the bads and enjoy the goods and be a little bit more open to, I was more flexible.

You know, I was more willing to receive things that I didn't plan for and have that be a positive. And I feel like that would serve you. I just get irritated. I just get annoyed. I'm like, I don't feel like swiping anymore. And that's okay. I don't feel like entertaining this anymore. It's great to take breaks.

That's normal to say, you know what? Honestly, I'm over it. I'm going to delete the apps for a couple of weeks or a month. I'm just going to maybe meet people the organic way, or I'm just going to not date at all. I'm just going to like take a break from dating. That's normal. That's smart. That's healthy.

But it's also important to get back out there, to re-engage, to take new risks. And again, it's all about striking that balance and not giving up and staying positive. It really is sometimes that simple. And it's difficult to do, but it's not this complicated web of like, you know, 19 steps for happiness. It's really just, you know, some of those very simple things that are just, again, easy in theory, hard in practice. Yeah, I feel that. All right. Well, keep your head up.

You have a lot going for you. Keep reminding yourself of that and just take some risks now and then and keep reassessing. Keep investing in yourself, therapy, your career, your friends, your community. Be outgoing. keep investing in yourself therapy your career your friends your community you know be outgoing again sounding cheesy but the less i thought about my own problems and i try to channel that into helping others i was a lot happier as a person and it became a lot easier for me to connect with more people and i just kind of got out of my own mess. I stopped worrying about my problems less and try to channel that into other more positive things. And it goes a long way.

Well, yeah, that's what I kind of like for my friends and even on socials and stuff. It's so easy. I'm like, once I start taking my own advice, it's over for everyone. But it's just finding that balance. Do that with the friends. But just the narratives of like,

well, see, I'm happy. I don't need a date. I got my friends. No, no, no. Invest in your friends. Invest in yourself. But still say, but I'm still open to love. I'm still excited for that person when it happens.

I'm still excited to do this. I don't know when it's going to happen, but I am excited. I do want to find love. Don't be that person who says, I don't need love because you haven't found it yet you know be vulnerable with yourself to acknowledge that you're still looking for things you haven't found yet and that's okay oh god you made me realize something um but okay well i get annoyed at when like people like the debbie downers right at parties and stuff and then now that like you've reiterated that like when you come with

that energy and like that type of oh like there's like no one like there's no like love sucks and everything and now i'm kind of seeing it as like you do oh god what if like this is my ick yeah like what's good for you to realize that coming off, coming off as like, okay, this person like clearly does not believe in love and he's just complaining about love. Yeah. I mean, Oh God,

I'm disgusted. It's fine. Well, don't be disgusted. Yeah. You're doing it again. You can realize something about yourself. I know it's a joke,

but like, it's also not a joke. You know, you're also, you're really good at cutting. You're putting yourself down and you're really kind of dramatizing stuff in your life. And you have to be, you have to be able to self-reflect, find an ick about yourself,

find a weakness and not like make that a big deal. You know, I'm like, oh my God, I realize I'm the fucking worst. You know, like, yeah, no, like I do this. I'm going to work on this. Okay, move on. You don't need to dwell on it. You don't need to make it a thing. You don't need to make an announcement.

You know, you just acknowledge it and then try to work on it. That's it. I will. I guess I will do that. I guess. If I were you, I would get out of your, stop thinking about you for a while. This would be my advice. That requires socialization though.

Sure. Yeah. Yep. I think we, I think we. Thank you. Yeah. We're here to help. Keep us posted.

We'd love an update from you in about a, you know, maybe a month or two on how things are going. And I expect a, I'm hoping for a, Hey, we got off the call. I really reflected on our call. I started trying to change my attitude with situations. I try to just be generally more positive, you know, and that doesn't mean you have to be the annoying cheerleader. You know, you're still allowed to get sad and be disappointed, but it's just policing

your, you know, limiting yourself from like dwelling. And, you know, there's the difference between venting to one friend and venting to seven friends about the same topic yeah i think i just need to go on more dates because like i said in my email i think now i have time i'm like okay well now i'm unemployed i have like so much time and no excuses because that would be my excuse in the past like oh no work is too busy i'm too tired because of work but now i'm like you literally have no excuse well still find the balance you know you can go on a date you don't need to go on seven this week you know i mean well okay that's not gonna happen because i don't have that motivation but i think that like i need to go on at least like a day every week or like

two like every two weeks like one day every two weeks or like something like that you know all right well keep us posted let us know we want to hear from you all right thank you take care okay bye drizzly the number one way to buy beer wine and spirits with delivery to your darstep when you need it i mean drizzly has been a friend of the show for quite some time and there's never been a better time if you haven't tried drizzly yet, than over the holiday season, because chances are you're either entertaining or going to a party, and you're gonna have to bring some spirits, some beer, some wine. Let Drizzly make life more convenient for you. You have so many other things to worry about this holiday season. Let everyone know that Drizzly is there to keep the party

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$15. This code is only available for our listeners. To get started, just go to apostrophe.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is A-P-O-S-T-R-O-P-H-E.com slash V-I-A-L-L and click to get started. Then use code V-I-A-L-L to sign up and you'll get your first visit for only $5. Thank you, Apostrophe, for sponsoring this episode. How's it going? Hi, I'm Marie. I'm 26 and I'm looking for some advice on how to return my ex's things. Okay. Um, why, I guess my first question is other than the obvious, like, why is it so complicated? Because, you know, could you call them? Could you drop it off? Like send a UHaul? Why is this more complicated than it seems? I guess just in the past, I've always had more of that attachment. They've been very hard breakups in the past, and this is the first time I felt more comfortable and more in the best headspace. But I'm nervous that seeing him again and returning

it is going to like send me back. When you say past breakups, are you referring to him or other relationships that you've had? Other relationships and friendships. Okay. How long, how old is this relationship? Um, it was like 11 months. Okay. And how many other relationships have you had? Um, I've had one other, like very serious and then one other semi-serious. Which one was the most difficult breakup that you've had? The semi-serious one, more of a situationship one. What made that so difficult? I think a lot of the back and forth, the on and off.

Sure, sure. It was like almost another year of a breakup in it and in sequential order which one happened first so like give us give yeah yeah give us your little history your dating history for us yeah so i started dating um my like long-term ex back in high school we dated for five years um and then i was in a situationship for maybe about a year and then it dragged on like another year of back and forth. That started when? A few months after the breakup from the first.

21. Okay. So around 21, you got into a situationship. And you're what, 25 now, you said? 26? 26. 26. Sorry.

Around 21, you got into a situationship. Lasted for about a year, situation ship and then it's not and then how did that end did you finally put your foot down did he or she finally you know disappear what tell me about that yeah i finally put my foot down um i was leaving the bar one night and i was like holding the door to see like if the person behind me had it and it was him with another girl. So that was the final. There's no coming back from that. Sure.

Okay. Well, and how did you handle that? So I handled it like well in the moment I felt like, but definitely after like I felt that heartbreak and I struggled. And how long did you struggle for? A while. and I struggled. And how long did you struggle for? A while.

But again, there was a little more like slight back and forth with like him trying to be friends after that and everything. So it was just a long dragged out. Yeah. And I guess I'm just trying to kind of get to all that. I mean, so you ran into him.

You're at the bar. You open the door. Here he was some other girl. You're like, fuck this guy. Finally, you know your eyes kind of open to what his intentions were you said fuck this and my guess and correct me if i'm wrong here and at all you got pissed you said i'm done with this time you know maybe a week or two or months i don't know some time. He reached out again, trying to get back into your good graces. And did you answer the text or the call? Like, did you respond? Yeah. What did that look like?

You did. Okay. Yeah. And at first it was more friends not going back, but then it was more of the flirting goes back into it. And then it was the messiness again. Okay. Did you guys hook up after that yeah okay all right um i guess i what i'm the reason why i'm asking all these questions is because i just i want you to reflect on your past relationship and the growth hopefully that you've experienced and what you've learned from the past you know like it sucks to go through breakups. It sucks to go through heartbreak. Right. But it's, it's not for nothing, you know, and you know, when we, when we have these relationships that don't work out, it's very easy to feel like, Oh,

I wasted my time. Oh, these past 11 months with this guy, I invested, oh, that sucks. But every experience we have, we can choose to learn from it or not, right? And so even though, and it's, I don't know if it's still difficult for you to reflect back on this past, all your past relationships, but hopefully you've moved on from them. And I think it is a good exercise sometimes to, now that you're emotionally less invested in that situationship, would that be accurate? Are you completely over it? Yeah, definitely. Okay.

So yeah. So it doesn't trigger you anymore to reflect back on that situationship at all. And now is the time, I don't know how often you have, but now is the time to really think about those moments, right? And what could you have done differently to protect yourself, to protect your heart, to shorten the time in which you were sad over a guy who didn't deserve your energy or attention, you know? And a lot of that was, you know, you letting him back in, you giving him access to you

after you have tried to kind of enforce a boundary saying, hey, you don't deserve any more access to me, you know? And yet he had a little bit of power over you, you know, for whatever reason, you know, probably just the ego creeping up saying, hey, you know, maybe he's sorry. Maybe he regrets it. Maybe you finally putting your foot down will make him realize that he really fucked up, you know, and that's probably why you took the call. And it's probably why you let him back in. I've been there, you know, many people listening have been there, you know, we've all, we've all been there. But it's just good to reflect on that so that going forward, you can demonstrate that

willpower, you know, in those difficult times. And the reason why I bring this all up is because obviously this call started with you being like, Hey, I just broke up with my boyfriend. How do I give him stuff back? And I'm thinking like, just call the motherfucker up and schedule, you know, a time. Now, how did you, what, why did you guys break up this current relationship? It really just came down to like certain clashing. Okay. The good was good. The fun was fun, but any little argument could turn into something big

because we just clashed in that type of way. Did you decide to end the relationship? It was him, but I was thinking about it too. Okay. So it was a mutual conversation. Okay. And how long ago was that? Two weeks.

Okay. So it's still fairly fresh. How much stuff does he have of yours? It's not much of my stuff. It's mainly stuff I need to give back to him. Yeah. I phrased it wrong. How much of his stuff do you have? What is it? I have one bag of some clothes, a pillow, and then mainly a set of golf clubs that his mom was loaning me. So that's the biggest that needs to go back. Okay, sure. Well, one, if you really just don't want to have any interaction with this guy,

can mom come pick it up? Can you not be there when he can come pick it up? Yeah, it's possible. But I guess in a way of like, it was mutual and it's not this like, I don't want to come off too cold about it okay okay that's fair I mean I what are you most worried about if seeing him again if like he wants to have a conversation if I'm gonna be able to like stay on my ground of like no this is just us returning our things well Well, I mean, despite him saying, hey, we should break up, it sounds like you understand why he made that decision. And it sounds like you agree with him that, you know,

despite there being some love there, and it sounds like you still have maybe a positive opinion about each other, that from a compatibility standpoint. It's just maybe not there. Would you agree or are you or are you kind of reluctantly agreeing because he ended it? No, I agree. Okay. Well, I think this is a good opportunity for you to be honest with you.

You know, I think it's a good opportunity to, you know, be able to stand your ground and control your thoughts. And what I mean by that is in the past, you didn't do that. That situationship that lasted much longer than it should have, you really struggled with A, standing your ground and controlling your thoughts. The controlling your thoughts part comes in when, you know, you saw him with another girl and a light bulb went on and for a brief moment you decided to be honest with yourself about what this guy's intentions were with you right and you were like fuck this i'm done you know but in between and then some time went on and he reached out well you stopped you you had a hard time instead of controlling your

thoughts and sticking to that narrative saying, this guy doesn't respect me. This guy doesn't not want, he gave me what I deserve. I've wasted a ton of time on him. You started, you know, well, what if? You know, what if that? You started kind of going down a thought rabbit hole of, you know, kind of the delusion that you allowed to play on, you know, while you're in that situation ship. So as you continue on with your dating journey, so to speak, or just in life in general, like you're going to be presented with difficult situations that you're going to be required to

stand your ground. And you're going to have to say, Marie, you know, like, this is what's best for us. I know this is difficult, you know, but in the long term, this is what's going to be good for us, you know. And even though you might see someone who might trigger a response, you know, and, you know, make you sad about the times that you had, and let's say he, let's say you meet up, let's say he comes over. Now, I don't think, you know, he could come over. I don't, I think you should have, if he does come over, I guess is what I'm saying don't think you know he could come over i don't i think you should have if he does come over i guess is what i'm saying i think you should have some sort of boundaries i don't think it's like well i'm just i'm just chilling at home come stop by whatever and then you let him in then he sits down he gets comfortable you offer him a drink

and shit like that like none of that right if he is yeah i definitely didn't want to meet at our places yeah right so there you go so if you do meet up maybe it's like in the parking lot of a wendy's i don't know somewhere it would be awkward to like hey do you want to go and get a frosty while our bat you know like no you're just gonna like give him your stuff and you're not gonna like talk in the parking lot of a wendy's right and you just keep it pleasant and let's say you meet up and you see him yeah it might make you a little sad and it might make you reminisce a little bit. But like that is part of the healing process.

Now, it would be okay. It's okay if you're just like, hey, I really don't want to see him. It's too difficult right now. My heart's hurting too much. I'm going to get triggered. But I'm not getting that sense that that's where you're at right now. You seem fairly decently okay. You know?

I think I shocked myself in how I've reacted and responded to all of this. What do you mean? So that's what makes me nervous. What do you mean shocked yourself? In not getting stuck in the thoughts of what if things are different or what if something could change. Well, that's good. Of just being content and understanding this is... That's progress.

You just have to believe what you're saying. I mean, it sounds like you do. Like, it sounds like you know that this guy is not your guy and he's a good, and that's the thing. Like sometimes when we go through breakups, it's like we have to be very black and white about it. See, they're like, oh, they're a fucking piece of shit. And you gotta like convince yourself that they're horrible

and you hate them for you to get over them. And that's honestly tougher to do because that's not how you really feel about them. You know, you're just and you hate them for you to get over them. And that's honestly tougher to do because that's not how you really feel about them. You know, you're just like you. It's like, well, I don't hate them. I honestly want to have sex with them or actually they made me laugh. And, you know, it's it's it's the ability to not hate them or call them names in your head or think they're a terrible person that's going to get you over them. It's accepting that they're not your person that's going to get you over them. It's accepting that they're not your person. That's going to help you get over them more.

It's not demonizing them or all these things or how could they do this to you or how could they not want to give you what you want? It's more of the, you know what? You know what I finally realized? He's not good for me. I don't want this type of person. And then you're, you know, that's more situationship, but like your past boyfriend and say, yeah, he was a good guy, but like, you know what? We just, we're not compatible. Like we argue a lot. Like, I don't want to argue with my, my partner. I don't want to, God, I mean, like as nice as it was and we had fun, but boy, I was stressed out all the time when I was around him. Oh God, we had to like argue about where we're going to dinner all the time. It was exhausting. Yeah. So like that's the,

that's the energy you want to channel. And when you are in your thoughts, those are the moments you want to remember. Again, not to demonize him as a bad person, because deep down, that's not how you feel. It's more just thinking about the relationship and be honest with yourself. And then when you have those moments of missing him, or what if, you go back to, Marie, nope. Remember how exhausting it was. Remember how much you tried when you were in a relationship and it still was exhausting. And remember all the excuses you made when you were in this relationship of like, we can try to fix it or, you know, and I don't know what you guys did, if anything, to try to make it work that didn't work. But remember those efforts you made when you were in the relationship. And I think the more you, if you're going to obsess over anything,

obsess over that instead of obsessing over, because when you were in a situation ship, you obsessed over the what if and the him and the potential of him. And what if he finally came around? What if he finally appreciated me? What if he's actually sorry this time? And it's just getting better at that. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, definitely. that. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, definitely. So again, I don't want you to put yourself in a vulnerable situation. So the option of having mom come pick it up, having him come pick it up or a roommate there or a friend there that's always on the table. And if that's going to make you feel more comfortable, it's not that big of a deal.

And who cares what he thinks or what his mom thinks? They'll all be fine. I mean, it's definitely an option. I want to make that clear. That is a totally valid option. But if you want to challenge yourself to have maybe a growth opportunity to prove to yourself that you can see this guy and even, you know, have a moment of sadness, even if it like, even if it gives you, it makes you have a bad day. Even if that day is like, fuck man, you know, I'm bummed, you know, seeing him, it was nice to see him. I kind of wanted to hug him. It made me remind of, it made me remember that one time we had a really good time and the rest of the day, you're just kind of sad about the breakup. That's totally okay. But then you gotta go, then you gotta practice and you to remember this conversation about,

no, it was still fucking exhausting. Because you know what? What happens if I, you know, what would happen if I called him up and told him to come over and let's say he agreed? And let's, what would happen if we went on a trip together for a week because we were just two crazy kids making foolish decisions? We would argue. And you know what we'd argue about? We'd argue about this. I know decisions, we would argue. And you know what we would argue about? We'd argue about this.

I know exactly what we'd argue about, you know, because you do. You could probably fantasize about what type of disagreements you'd find yourself in and how that disagreement would go and how exhausting it would be to get through an argument. So that's what you focus on. And that's what you remember. And that's what you keep reminding yourself is that's what i don't want in my next relationship and the more you focus on that and obsess over that i promise you the easier it will be to not let yourself go down those kind of emotional torture rabbit holes where you just kind of decide to feel sad and you, you just like kind of sit in

your sorrows and you feel sorry for yourself and you start questioning your decision and thinking, oh, I miss him. I don't care. It doesn't matter if it was shitty, yada, yada, yada, you know? Yeah, no, that makes sense. I mean, I definitely had some of those moments of thinking of when it first happened and yeah, I was like, I feel like I'm arguing with him in my head and we're broken up. So it was like, just think of something else. You know, it's okay to go through. It's only been, what, you said two weeks? Yeah. It's only been two weeks.

You're allowed to feel sad for a couple weeks, you know. You only did it for 11 months, so I'd say two weeks from now, maybe stop, you know. I mean, again, you can feel sad as long as you want. But you do reach to a certain point, I strongly believe where either you can please, you can, you can challenge yourself to not feel bad and just, you know, when a, when a negative thought enters your head, you, you clock it, so to speak, you recognize it. And then you immediately try to get yourself out of it. You know, think about something happier, something else you want to do, be productive, or simply to say, Marie, that's, you're lying to yourself. That's not what that relationship was. No, what that relationship

was, was we argued all the time and take yourself back to the time where you were, you know, you were like, fuck, this is so fucking exhausted. I'm so fucking done with this. And I'm sure there were plenty of those moments while in this relationship, you're like, what the fuck are we doing? Yeah, 100%. Yeah. So yeah, I don't think there's a wrong answer, but I think there is an opportunity for you to see if you can have a respectful interaction with a guy that you still respect, you still care about as a person, but you have decided he is not your person and you need to move on and hell you you could even you know if you really want to do you want to like

shift the power dynamic if you have the guts to see him you could just say you know can i just say one thing you say to him he's gonna be like what and he's gonna be like what are you gonna say he's gonna be like um I just want to say thank you. Because you and I both know that obviously we butted a lot of heads. And, you know, I think we really respect each other. I think we care about each other. But we weren't happy. And you had the guts to end this relationship. And it really made me sad.

But honestly, I think we made this is the right decision for both of us. And I'm really glad that we can like part ways, you know, still respecting each other. So, so thanks for having the courage to do what I couldn't do. And I honestly think that will, I mean, I think you will feel good about yourself to do that and it will throw him off guard and it will like,

it will help you, you know, believe what you're saying in terms of you are accepting that he's not the guy, you know? Now the only risk, I really like you know? Now, the only risk... Yeah, I really like that. You know, the only risk there is that might fuck him up a little bit and it might, you

know, it might trigger his ego. And then what you don't want is him fighting to get you back because, you know, his ego decides to accept the challenge. But just remember, if he does, it's more of his ego than anything yeah so so yeah no i'll probably do something like that i like that response yeah it's a good response but it's also also it's true you know but it's like it's it get good at commuting communicating stuff like that uh and then if you're gonna ruminate over anything about him again ruminate over the shit that

you know caused you guys to break up yeah then if you haven't read the book don't text your ex happy birthday it's perfect for you I read half of it and then I ended up stopping so maybe I definitely need to finish have you great nice plug have you read chapter

10 no not that far yet I would read chapter nice plug. Have you read chapter 10? No, not that far yet. I would read chapter, well, you just skip ahead to chapter 10. Okay. It's a, it's about getting over someone. Oh, definitely. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And you can read it. It's not like you can read it from start to finish, but you can also just read it like whatever chapter relates most to you. So I would, if I were you, I would read chapter 10. It's a, it's a, it's an easy chapter to read. You can be done in 30 minutes probably.

Okay. Um, but there are some good nuggets. It's, it's literally about how to get over someone. So, all right. All right.

Thank you so much. Well, good luck. Please keep us posted what you end up deciding to do and how it went. We would love an update because, you know, as simple as this kind of topic is, it's very relatable. And, you know, I'm really curious about how, assuming you do go meet up with them, I'm really curious if you were able to implement the things we talked about.

And I'm really curious how you were able to kind of grow from that and how you felt afterwards. And my hope is that even if it was a little awkward and maybe you saw him and you're like, you know, it did affect me a little bit, but the following days I practiced this, I did this, and I'm really glad that, you know, we were able to end things amicably and I didn't kind of like hide from giving him his stuff back. And because I want you to feel strong and powerful. I want you to be able to face him and acknowledge that you guys aren't right for each other and still be okay.

And being sad doesn't mean you're not okay. It's okay to say I'm sad right now, but I'm going to be okay. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much. to be okay. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much. My pleasure. Good luck.

Happy holidays. Please keep us posted. Yeah, of course. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com.

And don't forget that we have an update classic for everyone this Friday. Hope you are enjoying your family this holiday season. Don't forget that dear lady, an update from her is available behind Vile Files Plus. And we are back next week with our regular scheduled program that Ask Nick is on Tuesday. Reality Recap on Wednesday.

Going Deeper on Thursday. Hope that all makes sense. We'll see you back on Friday. Happy Holidays. And a Happy New Year.