The Viall Files - E686 Ask Nick - His “Freedom,” Our Crying Child

Episode Date: January 2, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we read an email from a listener who’s ex-boyfriend, now situationship, introduces her to all of his family, but keeps putting their relationship on pause when things start getting serious. Then, we get to our callers.  Our first caller’s boyfriend will stay out longer when he’s by himself than when they go out together. She expresses her insecurities and experiences with the quality of their time together. Our second caller’s husband turned off his location during an argument, and is now refusing to turn it back on. She stays home with the kids for days, while he’s constantly at work and with friends late. Our final caller “feels like a single mom with a husband.” As a trucker, he loves the freedom of being on the road, but our caller has to constantly remind him of their crying child and what tasks to do around the house.  “The fact that he refuses to acknowledge that is not a me problem. It’s a him problem.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Squeezed.com - Get Same day local delivery or Free Fast delivery nationwide by going to http://www.Squeezed.com and using code VIALL. Seed - Go to https://seed.com/viall and use code 25VIALL to get 25% off your first month.  Better Help - Celebrate the progress you’ve already made. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam  @dereklanerussell

what's going on what's up bitches uh happy new year to you happy new year happy new year happy january 2nd happy because we we weren't here yesterday no no we won't thanks for tuning in on tuesday just a reminder we got to ask nick, we got a reality recap tomorrow, and we have Going Deeper on Thursday. And really important, we got a very exciting guest on Thursday. Katie Maloney returns to The Vow Files, obviously to talk about the upcoming season of Vanderpump. And Katie and myself have a big announcement to make so if you want to hear our very exciting news be sure to tune into that episode Katie will be joined uh with a friend and

also a very special guest don't want to spoil it quite yet so I'm not going to say but it will be Katie and someone else super exciting information there. We have such a great month of January lined up for you guys. Before we get to our writer-inner, Allie, do you have any New Year's resolutions? What are you working on this year? Mine's like, be a father, don't fuck up. Yeah, I haven't really thought about it. I was very resistant to them last year for some reason. I really didn't want to set any. I think I'm more open to it this year, but I haven't really had the time to think about it. All right. Does the fact that now you're in Minnesota change things for you? Is life open-ended for you? New city, new beginnings?

Yeah. I think probably figuring out where I want to be more permanently, where I'd want to get an apartment is probably... Are you on a life quest, Would you say right now? Are you in the life quest era of your of your life? Maybe it's been interesting. I've been talking to people and I feel like it's like I'm like, I either I'm going to be really scared and overwhelmed or I could make this somewhat feel exciting. So we're going to try to lean more toward excitement and not fear. That's great.

I love that for you. It is exciting. The unknown is exciting. It's also scary. But, you know, it truly is a matter of how you look at it. I'm excited to see where your life quest goes, Allie, you know? My life quest? I sound like a explorer on a ship. Well, you know, as a friend, I'm just here to support you. I'm here to help, you know, as your boss, that's a little concerning, but hey, I'm just kidding.

Like screw the life quest well you know like you know as a friend you know i'm excited for whatever life brings you as an employer it's like well you know i don't know if that's gonna leave her here she's already in fucking minnesota i'm just kidding i'm gonna be like i'm so sorry i'm gonna go be a whale watching instructor and during therese in the woods instructing for that no do you instruct for whale watching there is definitely no what's a leader what's For whale watching? There is definitely no. What's a leader? What's a whale watching leader?

I don't know. Just a whale watcher? Yeah, I don't know anything about science. I don't know. Yeah. Clearly, I can't do that. That's not part of my life quest. We'll see.

The Adventures of Allie's life quest. I like it. It's like a children's book. Yeah. Well, speaking of life quests, we have a writer in here who's been on somewhat of a life quest. Okay. It's a bit of a story. So let's let's just dive in. I was in a relationship for three months starting October 2022 when he unexpectedly ended it because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. This happened in July 2023 and that he didn't feel like himself.

I respected it and said, OK, but we still kept talking. Somehow this turned into us talking every day and still seeing each other so after that it went from being an actual healthy serious relationship to a situation ship we would see each other once a week or every other week or sometimes a whole weekend and he would act like we were back together meanwhile i've met all of his friends and some of his family and we went on a group trip with his friends and i fit in really well for months he would off and on tell me he was starting to feel like himself again and that maybe we could finally get back together. However, when he would say this, within a week, he would change his mind and said he need more time to

himself. It would turn into a cycle of once I felt like I was getting close to him again, he would take three steps back and emotionally push me away. Meanwhile, telling me how much I mean to him and that he was falling in love with me and how much he loves spending time with me. In June, when I broke down in front of him about how I just wanted to be with him officially again, he didn't want to give me a timeline before, but he wanted to give himself until August or September to be alone and to figure himself out and basically hang on until then because he does love spending time with me. He said he tells my sister all the time about how he loves how when we're together, he can just enjoy each other's company without even

saying anything. So I held on longer and he kept telling me about how for my birthday in October, let's plan a trip and let's plan a trip to go to Vegas too. Anyway, flash forward to July, one weekend he goes on a trip to Arizona with a small group of his guy friends. During this time, he was starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed due to having a lot going on anyway before he went on this trip to Arizona with his friends I knew he was super stressed so to cheer him up I sent some nudes and his response was quote you look so attractive but that's not what I need right now what I need during this time is isolation. I didn't really know what to say, but again, I tried terrible response to sending fucking nudes and not even like I need space. I need isolation. What a phrase. Wow. So he went on this trip and during the whole weekend,

I barely heard from him. It was weird because usually when he goes on trips with the guys, he's talking with me and checking in with me the whole day. This time he barely talked to me and it felt off. After he got back from this trip Monday morning, I got a long text of him basically breaking up with me and it absolutely broke my heart because it was for the same reason yet again as what he told me before. Flash forward three months later. He showed up again. I still feel so lost and so hurt by this and I still care so much for him. My birthday was this month and he randomly texted me happy birthday. Since I had all the feelings for him when he sent that message, I tried to keep the conversation going, but he left me on read. One week later, I got

upset and then my feelings and I texted him asking if we would ever talk again. And he replied by saying, I'm getting in my feelings again and to just stop. So he said this and I didn't respond. And within 30 minutes he sends me three selfies of him in his halloween costume because he was going to a halloween party that night at a mutual friend's house it made me so confused how in one moment he's telling me not to ask bring up feelings and then sending me selfies in the next message when i responded to his pics he didn't reply back the The next day, I was also going to a Halloween party and I sent selfies of my own costume

and he instantly responded. And again, after that, basically ghosted. He still has me on Instagram and watches everything I post, as pathetic as it sounds. We recently met up to talk and it went really well until he texted me after saying some fucked up things that I can't seem to get out of my head. Anyways, I really need advice on letting go and moving on. It's breaking my own heart over and

over again to talk to him when I really just want him in my life and not whatever bullshit this has turned into. I need a reality check to wake me up out of my delusional phase of thinking somehow things will work out. It's been four months post real breakup and I don't feel any closer to moving on than I did when it started. It's not that complicated. You know, it's actions over words. It's this guy's actions tell you he doesn't care about you. This guy's actions say, I like having you around, but you're not a priority for me. It's nice to have you.

And he has all the control. You know, this is your classic question, you know, and you're going to get your classic. And he has all the control. This is your classic question, and you're going to get your classic Nick responses. Go read the book, Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday. The answers to all your questions are in that book. It can be very intoxicating, especially if you respond to words of affirmation. It can be very intoxicating for someone to tell you how much they appreciate you, how much you mean to them, how much they appreciate the opportunities you might give them, etc., etc. But pay attention to how they show you how much they appreciate you or how much they appreciate opportunities that you give them with their actions. How do they show up for you? Can you rely on them? If someone says, oh, I really enjoy

you or I really appreciate you, and then they do something that's confusing that doesn't align with what they're saying, you got to believe their action. I get it. It's really hard, especially people that are close to you, friends, boyfriends, colleagues. You assume that people aren't going to be full of shit, so to speak. And the scary part is, I don't even think they always realize. When he says he likes spending time with you, it's true. But this person has a million other priorities. He has a million other things that he cares as much, if not more than you. I've experienced something not too dissimilar recently, not in a romantic interest when someone's like, oh my God. And they want you to know that they're in it, that they're here,

like, oh my God. And they want you to know that they're in it, that they're here, that you can count on them. And then they do things that lets you know that, wait, this isn't a priority for them. In fact, this other thing's the priority. They're actually, this is what they're actually doing. And it can be confusing because you just expect people to have their words match their actions, but it often doesn't. And so instead of beating yourself up and driving yourself crazy and thinking to yourself, oh, it doesn't make sense. I don't get why. I don't get why. You just have to see their actions at face value. And yes, that can be tough when you are romantically invested and it could be tough to acknowledge yourself. I don't think this person really cares as much as they say they do about me.

I don't think this person really wants to make me a priority in any way. He's mean, he's rude. I mean, sending a nude is vulnerable. And if a guy doesn't know at least that, and he gives you a lecture about that, he's a dick. And he probably doesn't even think he's being a dick and he thinks he's being respectful. It's just, you're not a priority to the guy. It's that simple. Your patience with him is never going to get you to where you want to go. Unfortunately, he is someone who's going to take advantage of your patience. And that's what people usually do. When someone's words don't match their actions, patience isn't the solution. Your patience is a signal to how much they can get away with. And it's not just romantic relationships. It's any relationship. So yeah, listen, I know can get away with. And it's not just romantic relationships, it's any relationship.

So yeah, listen, I know you're discouraged. I know it's sad, it's frustrating, but it's not as complicated as you make it out to be. And to help you get out of your delusional state that you asked for is that you just got to give yourself some tough love, remind yourself that you've wasted enough time on this person and that your patience

has never been appreciated and it's been taken for granted and taking advantage of, patience will never get you to where you want to go. It will be, as I always say, it'll be leaving. It'll be finally saying no to this guy. And the final part about getting over someone is stop telling yourself how much they mean to you, how special they are. You start looking at their actions and then ask yourself, does this person actually treat me like I'm special? Look at their actions as well for how you think about them and stop saying how much someone means to you, especially when they have a track record of taking you for granted and taking advantage of you. Well, let's get to our

callers. We have an amazing year lined up for you. It's an amazing January. Also, Tom Sandoval is in that lineup for January as well. I mean, honestly, I can't tell you how excited I am for some of these upcoming interviews we have. It's so fun to be giving you the tea and the information that you want, and we're excited to bring it to you. And I hope things kick off with a bang with this first batch of Callers of Ask Nick. Tell your friends, subscribe, rate reviews, send in those questions at asknickatthevowfiles.com. It's going to be a great year. Let's get started.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hey, pretty good. What's your name? My name is Nicole. I'm 24, and I was wondering if it's a red flag that when my boyfriend goes out without me, he stays out later than just when the two of us go out. Okay. Maybe is the short answer. Let's find out. I guess, tell me just a little bit about your relationship, how long you guys have been together, things like that. Just give me a little background so we've been together over two years we met in college just in class we were friends for a while friends with benefits it all escalated really in a cool and slow burn kind of

way while we were figuring out kind of our young 20s in college life whether we wanted to commit to each other so we live in the same city which is great yeah I mean I love him so much. He really, I have a hard time even discussing like whether this is an issue or not, because he's such a great guy and like, we don't have that many issues, but this was a pattern that I noticed. So I wanted to talk with you guys about it. Have you talked with him about it? Yeah. So I actually talked with him about it the day after I wrote in. So I was like, I have a feeling that you were

going to ask me that. And he actually came up with a pretty good response. So which kind of made me want to ask you guys more like, am I just being insecure? And then what do I do with that? Okay. So I want to know exactly to the best of your recollection, set the scene, how did you approach him? What did you say exactly? So we were just hanging out at his house. It was before bed, not having sex or anything, just in bed about to go to sleep. And I was like, sometimes it makes me feel a little insecure that I feel like when you're out with your boys or you're out and I'm not there, it seems like you stay out later. But when you and I are out with a group,

we always tend to leave earlier. And you asked if I want to go home earlier. And we both like to go home early. Like whenever he asks me, I say yes, because I have a really bad time sleeping. You guys live together, to be clear? No, you don't live together. OK, are you spending most nights together? Most weekends?

Yeah, I would say probably like four days of the week. We've been sleeping at each other's house. We live very close. Okay. When you do go out together, are you usually going home together to one of your places? Are you going where you are? Yep. Usually. So pretty much he said, you know, when I'm out with the guys, I know that I'm going home alone. So I'd rather just stay out and be with them. But when I'm with you and after we get our social fill, you know, I'd rather go home and just be with you and just go to bed early. He does go to bed very early most nights. So that's why I always have a little like ding kind of go up when he's staying out late and I'm not there.

So I'm like, I know he's an early bird. I mean, I do understand that. That makes sense. Yeah. And it's honestly potentially a very valid answer. I can accept that answer. It's rude. I do trust him. So it's more just like, what insecurities do I need to kind of address or work through? I guess I'm not concerned, but I'm kind of concerned why it's like a thing with myself. Do you have any answers? Because yeah, I mean, that's the obvious question. It's like a thing with myself. Do you have any answers? Because, yeah, I mean, that's the obvious question. It's like, why is your body telling you it's something that is a little off? Yeah, I don't know. I think I just there's some sort of insecurities that there's

like better out there or like, you know, when I'm not there, like who could kind of, I don't know, come up and deal my man, even though I know that that's not going to happen. Have you noticed any changes in his behavior? Has the quality time in which you guys have spent with one another decreased or increased? Stayed the same? No. Stayed the same? So the first time I noticed this is when he started doing an after work softball league with his coworkers, which was great. I was glad he was, you know, getting out and exercising and bonding with his

coworkers, but I guess I felt a little left out and, you know, they'd like stay out late after their games and whatnot. And then in coworkers, it is at a co-ed softball league. Okay. Did other people invite their partners to be a part of this or is this exclusively employees? I think it was just exclusively employees. Do you know for sure? No, I don't know for sure. I mean, I always had my extracurricular that Wednesday, which he knew about. I was dancing for a while. I like to have like my own life and my own activities, but I couldn't help but feel like, I don't know, just like a little curious and I guess jealous, even though I hate to say that.

Okay. I mean, it's better to name it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. Yeah. Listen, all you can do is just be kind of aware of any changes that feel off and just try to address them head on, you know, and it sounds like that's what you're doing. You know, it's tough. You know, I've been cheated on. And it's a weird thing to... Oh, you have? Mm-hmm. Okay, when did that happen? I mean, it was back in high school. But there was also, like, cheating experiences in the family as well that kind of affected, I think, how I view relationships.

So you have been affected directly, indirectly by people who have cheated. Yes. You have seen the effects of cheating. You've witnessed people be deceitful and shady in relationships. Well, so there you go. That can help you identify why maybe you're feeling this or questioning things, you know, and I think all you can do in that situation is to continue to be diligent. All you can do is continue to find that balance because it is a balance of when you're feeling uncomfortable, when you're feeling insecure, to talk to your partner about how you're feeling and then pay attention to their answers. And it sounds like you addressed it in a very productive way. Hey, this is something I've noticed. This is something

I'm feeling. You didn't immediately accuse him of anything wrong. You put it on you and your feelings, but you wanted to voice it to him. And then you asked him for an explanation. His answer made sense. I wasn't there. So again, you want to pay attention to their body language. And, you know, I use this example in the past when all of a sudden your partner is hanging out with friends and they've increased how much time they're spending with their friends. And I've been in those situations. And at times I've been like, okay, well, that can make sense. You know, I've dated people who like, you know, it's just like they have a period of wanting to go out with friends. I dated other people who were a little younger than me as well. Past girlfriends where it's like, okay, well, yeah, I'm not doing this now, but like,

I'm five years older. And but five years ago, I was doing this. And so I find reasons to be empathetic and understanding with my partner. And then, you know, for example, I remember, you know, it's just like, oh, like me and the girls are going to the beach. And it's just like, oh, okay, cool. Who's all going? Oh, it's just like some other people. And you realize it's not just the girls. And then they're like, well, you're wondering why you didn't get an invite. And they say things like, well, you don't like the beach. And it's like, I mean, one time I said, I don't feel like going to the beach today. You know know it's like examples like that where they give you an excuse at first kind of makes sense but you're not you're like

wait do i hate did i do i hate the beach you know like yeah sure like mini golf isn't my favorite thing but i'll go you know it's like yeah and so it's like sometimes people give you excuses where you're just like that just that sounds like an excuse it sounds like, yeah. And so it's like, sometimes people give you excuses where you're just like, that just, that sounds like an, it sounds like you just made that up, you know? And it, but it's hard. I mean, I would like to hear like what you thought of that response that he gave. Like, does that, I mean, to me,

it felt like that makes sense. But I, you know, obviously have like heart eyes to him and every, you know, whatever. So it does make sense. That's why I asked, you know, what your living situation was are you guys going home in the nights that you are out together this weekend i got my bachelor party coming up we're going to vegas and i'm like kind of reluctantly going you know i got a kid on the way i'm not in my party era and so i'm kind of like you know i'm going because it's gonna be nice to see some of my

hometown friends to get together with the guys. I've been talking to Natalie. It's just like, I don't know what the fuck we're going to do. Some club will like, you know, probably give us a table because, you know, I'm lucky enough that I can often get hooked up. So I'm in a very fortunate position. But whether guys want to get hooked up or they get they pay for bottle service, what usually happens is the club will be like, hey, do you want us us to bring girls to your table they want you to bring girls to the table so they can drink your alcohol so then you can order more etc etc i don't want to fucking do that like i'm not interested in bringing a bunch of fucking strangers i don't know like you know i'm not trying to flirt with

women or anything like that you know that's not what i'm into you know and so i'm just like you know i for me like I'm in a relationship and I guess my point is what I'm trying to say is like, I used to go out when I was single because it was like, I want to talk to women, you know? And I'm, when I'm in a relationship, it's like part of going out, especially at a club is like to flirt. And so it's like, what's the fucking point? You know, I get where you're coming from. But at the same time, the fact that he has you in a relationship and you're with him and it's a night where you guys are going to spend the night together. It makes sense where it's like, well, let's just go home and spend time together. Yeah, that's not always the case. It's fun to have friends that quality time. And I've never been a big partier, but I've had friends who like to go out. And sometimes when I

was in my going out era, I would stay out just to hang out with my friends. Not because I wanted to like get sloshed drunk or like flirt with a bunch of women, but I just enjoyed hanging out with my boys. And that's what it seems like. Cause they're oftentimes like watching sports of some sort and I don't partake in that so i get like they have that bond that i don't have with him so the good news is it sounds like you do trust him and it sounds like the more i talk to you the fact that you have been affected by infidelity directly and indirectly like it's just like it's a bit of a trigger for you and it's understandable and honestly it's made you more mindful, thoughtful, whatever, the fact that like

you're less naive, it can happen. You know, it's just like, and you have to strike that balance between recognizing that despite how much you love him and how much he loves you and you feel that love, anything's possible. And that's not to say that you should walk around constantly paranoid and worried that your partner is going to cheat on you. But it just makes you do things like you did instead of ignoring an insecurity and pushing it away and telling yourself this could never happen. Vigilant. Vigilant. Thank you. You're more vigilant. That is the word I've been looking for. You know, so you're vigilant. And the fact that like, hey, you recognize a feeling. And so you talk to your partner. That's what it's all about.

And a lot of people in your shoes who have had these feelings in the past have sat at it, had squashed it, had had conversations with themselves, made excuses for their partners because the idea of them doing anything wrong was even hard to face. I've been that person. But you, you addressed it and you got an answer that on its face made a lot of sense. And you have no other reasons to suspect that anything else is going on. His behavior doesn't seem like it's changed. He's not hanging out with his boys more. He's not like finding more and more excuses to why he needs to hang out with the, you know, his coworkers more as boys more. And you're just like, well, sure. Okay. No, I want to be like understanding, but like, wow, you haven't seen in a while, you know, you know, like that's not happening,

you know? So nothing else, no, there's no new patterns. And so I think you're good. I do have a question about like in that moment, like where I am feeling like paranoid or like stress, like I feel like sometimes I can't like sleep when i'm in that state which thankfully like you said is not constant i don't want to not be able to sleep because like i don't know he's home yet like what is that how do you combat that well so you're talking about when you know he's out and you're not with him how late is he out probably the latest would be like 12 30 okay so not that late. I mean, one, you could just, you know, choose to trust. You could also say, Hey babe, when you're out

with your boys, I know this may come across as a little needy, but it's just really, I don't want to be, you know, that's part of a relationship is having needs and expecting your partner to need them. I mean, to meet them, meet those needs. So I don't think it's that big of an ask to say to your boyfriend, you know, when you're out with your boys every once in a while, it would just really make me feel better just to check in, say hi, tell me you miss me, whatever. It would help, you know, because I, it's not, it's, it's, I do trust you. It's just like, sometimes I will get in my thoughts and I get a little insecurity. I don't, you know, and just knowing that you saying hi,

I don't want to bug you, it would help me. I'm not asking you to check in every hour on the hour, but right now you go out with the boys and I just don't hear from you all night. And my thoughts will wonder, did you get home safe? What if you stayed out later? Waking up the next day, wondering what time you got home and who you were with, it just makes me a little uneasy. And it's not you, it's me. It would make me stress less if, you know, if you just send me a text or check in and it would be really helpful. I don't think that's a huge ask. I was just going to say, and he already does that, like, which I appreciate so much. Like, even he'll like go to food after and like send me a picture

of like him and his brother. And I'm like, why was I even like worrying? It almost feels so silly that I even like worry about these things. I mean, again, it has affected you in the past. You just it's just striking that balance, you know, like and it seems like you're doing a good job of it, but there's nothing wrong with checking in and recognizing insecurity. You have to stop yourself from going down that rabbit hole and losing kind of any sense of practicality. I don't know if that's the word I'm looking for, but you know, where you're just kind of like, oh my God, like I know something's going on

and you freak out and you know, and you're not doing that, but you are allowed to get triggered, you know? And so I think you're doing a good job. Thanks. Yeah. What you can do from time to time is that maybe you're already doing it. Express to your boyfriend gratitude for your ability to trust him. Hey, listen, I know sometimes I get a little insecure, but I just want to say I'm really grateful that I do trust you and I'm really grateful for the relationship that we have. And I know sometimes I get it in my head, but I just want to say I'm really happy with the relationship that we have. And I know sometimes I get in my head, but I just want to say I'm really happy with the relationship I have. And I'm also very grateful that when I do feel insecure, I can come to you and talk about my insecurities and work through them with you.

And that makes me feel good. And I just want to say thanks for that. Just showing gratitude to him will buy you a lot of, you know, runways, so to speak, in leash for those moments. Because like, yeah, listen, we all have insecurities in relationships and we have to be able to take it to our partners. And sometimes when we're feeling insecure, we can all be needy. It's not just women who are needy, men are needy too. But when we also express gratitude to our partners for putting up with our neediness or addressing our neediness or just caring about when we're feeling that way and stepping up to help us not feel that way, it's important to show gratitude for those moments. And I think a lot of times we don't.

A lot of times we make our insecurities our partner's problems and it's like a bare minimum for them to step up. Yeah, I guess it's a bare minimum, but we can still show gratitude for our partners doing the bare minimum. And every time we say thank you, and I really appreciate you doing something like that, especially with men, it goes a long way. Really? Because I know that he doesn't like, not that he doesn't value words of affirmation, but I know it's like not really up there with how he receives love. Like he's more an acts of services person. Most guys are. I'm an acts of service guy too. Okay. Okay. I don't think a lot of men get a lot of thank yous. I think there's a lot of, again,

bad boyfriends and a lot of guys who aren't ideal partners, you know, and there's a lot of guys who don't do the bare minimum. And so when guys do do the quote unquote bare minimum, I think people act as if like, we don't need to recognize that or when they step up, regardless of what your gender is, like everyone appreciates their good deeds to be recognized and saying thank you. And maybe if he's an act of service guy, whatever acts of service he appreciates that do it to say thank you, you know, so you can still show gratitude with acts of service. But the point is, is you are recognizing that all while doing the thing, you know? I can definitely do that.

So it just buys you runway for those moments where you're not feeling your best self. You know, I think everyone appreciates a little thank you for stepping up and putting up with our bullshit sometimes. And we all have bullshit that we have to, that our partners need to deal with. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. I'm glad to just talk with someone about this that, you know, isn't my friend or, you know,

my inner thoughts. So. No problem. Yeah. This stuff happened. And, you know, again, it's never wrong to check it. And the important thing is, is you didn't blame him when you did it. You could have said, you know, you're always going out without me and I don't know why you never asked me, blah, blah, blah. You didn't do that. And that's great. You said, hey, when this happens, it makes me feel a certain way. And I just want to address it and ask you like, why?

Well, I listen to you guys. So that's where I came in. You know, I feel this way. I feel this way. I'm not attacking. So I appreciate all of the advice you guys give. It all comes back in one way or another. Well, I'm glad it helps. And it sounds like you got a great relationship and just keep focusing on that. And try not to get in your head. You rock. All right. Happy holidays.

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if this is a big deal or not. Well, the short answer, I'd say, well, it's an issue. I don't know if it's a big deal. Worst case is he's not turning it on for a reason that should be concerning to you. Best case, he's not turning it back on to make you feel insecure and kind of weaponizing that against you. It kind of feels like the second option that you said. Okay. So not that it's wrong. I mean, Natalie and I share our location, but why did you guys share your location in the first place? So initially we live like an hour and a half away from family. I stay home with our three kids and he commutes to work. About eight months ago, we had agreed that

we were both going to turn our locations on just for safety purposes. I feel good knowing where, you know, him knowing where I'm at with the kids. God forbid anything happens and vice versa, especially with his commute to work. So that's the initial reason why we know it's never been an issue before this argument. Like it's never come up at all before this. What was the argument about? He went to a party for work. The gist of our arguments all the time is that i have to stay home with the kids while he goes out but he went to a work party and i had to stay home with the kids is it because child care is expensive yeah we don't have child care um and we just don't have really help being that family is um far so like if things like little things come up and we don't have enough notice, then I have to I have no choice but to stay home.

So the solution to you guys not having child care is you always stay home and he always goes out. Yeah, I mean, he you know, he doesn't go out every day. He works, but I had to quit my job and stay at home mom now. So when he, you know, wants to go out, a lot of times he will sleep over a friend's house or he'll sleep there. And that's not something I'm comfortable with, which I've expressed before. Yeah. And why is he sleeping over at a friend's house and not coming home? His friends, you know, probably live like an hour or so from us because we moved. He says he doesn't want like a time cap on things. So basically, if he wants to stay out all day and all night,

he doesn't want that time cap of him having to come back home. Why did he get married? I mean, I've expressed to him before, I'm not trying to give you a time cap. I don't feel comfortable with my husband sleeping outside of the house unless it's like a pre-planned vacation or something, whatever. He basically said he's going to do it if he wants to type of thing. That sucks. I'm sorry. Thank you. That argument with the location was that he was at the party. I was already a little bit upset that I couldn't go. And I had texted him and I was like, hey, you know, I want you to have a good time. I'm not

trying to like ruin your time, but I want to know if you're going to be coming home tonight. This is at like 11 a.m. And I was like, you know, I don't feel comfortable with you sleeping there. The whole spiel that I had said before that I don't want him sleeping out of the house if he doesn't have to. And I was like, again, like, I don't want to ruin your time. Just let me know when you're done with the party and we could talk because I don't want to be like giving you short answers and pissed off at you during while you're there. Let me know when you're done. And he never responded. That was at 11 a.m. And I didn't hear from him till the next day at like 1030 a.m. And then when you did hear from him, what did he say?

I was the one who contacted him the next day. And I was like, hey, are you coming home? Because I had a doctor's appointment. I was like, are you coming home? And he's like, yeah, I'm on my way. So when he got home, we didn't talk. And that night I basically like exploded. I'm not like a yeller, but that

night I was, I just freaked the hell out. And I was like, do you know why I'm mad? He's like, why, why, why? I was like, you didn't talk to me. You went almost 24 hours without freaking communicating with me. Like you seriously don't know why I'm mad. And he was just kind of amping me up in a way. And I ended up being like, if you don't know why i'm mad you can leave and you can come back when you can tell me why i'm mad and so he left he's the type of person though that if you like tell him to do something he's gonna like do it tenfold well yeah also like this guy enjoys not being home with you so if you tell him to leave yeah so that was as soon as i said it i was like that was dumb so he left and then I like got an alert, like,

I opened his message. And it said, like, so and so shut off their location. And so I called him. And I was like, Hey, like, where are you going? Like, I did, you know, I'm not trying to kick you out. I'm just mad, like that you're not hearing me. And you shut off your location. And he's like, Yeah, you're stalking me. I'm not turning it back on. And I'm like, I'm not stalking you. I got an alert to my phone that you shut your location off. And he's just like, okay, I'm not coming back home. So he didn't come back home that night. We basically, after that, didn't really speak for like four days, almost like it was just like passing by in the house. And I was trying to make amends with him, but didn't, he didn't really. All while you're taking care of the kids. How helpful is he with the kids?

He's a great dad. He's a great dad. What do you mean by that? When he's home and things are good with him and I, he does just as much as I do with the kids. When he's home. When he's home, like when he's not working or whatever. Yeah. So his great dadness is conditional. Well, I mean, you just you said he left at like, you know, he left for 24 hours. Yeah. It's just self-sufficient in those 24 hours. Did you know they're little? They're very little. But no, I mean, I was there. But so you had to be you had to be a single parent for that period of time. Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes I'm alone, too, for like, you know, with his job, I'll be alone two days at a time.

And then if he goes out, I'm alone, you know, three or four days. So I'm alone a lot. It's very isolating. I mean, I guess it's maybe subjective. I've yet to be a parent. I'm about to be a parent. Maybe I'll think. Congratulations. Thank you. Maybe I'll feel differently. He doesn't sound like a great dad. He sounds like maybe a fine dad. I'm sure he loves his kids and I'm sure when he's home, he plays with them and helps out. But like, I don't know, do great dads just like peace out and leave their partners at home by themselves to raise their kids by themselves

and parent by themselves? He's leaving you in a very stressful situation. And I'm sure you're doing your absolute best. But when you're stressed, I'm sure your kids can pick up on that at times. And when you're unhappy, I'm sure your kids can pick up on that at times. And he is the source of much of your stress and frustrations of which that is being projected down to your children. And that's his fault, not yours. So I'm sure he's all swell and i'm sure he's i'm not saying he's a bad dad but i don't know if we're giving him dad of the year recognition you know yeah um it's definitely the stress part like you know it's it's very true like it does trickle down like you know i have to constantly you know tell myself like hey don't take it on the kids don't take it on the kids just because i'm pissed off at him it's not the kid's fault and fault. And it's a very, it's an everyday struggle. And that's you. That's something

you have to constantly tell yourself. Meanwhile, he's never had that conversation with himself. Yeah. I'm not sure he has. Because he's out there with the, God knows, your husband sounds like a bully. I mean, I'd like to think he's not, but it was never really like this in the beginning. I think like after having kids, it got worse. Sometimes I feel like I'm just in like, I'm like i'm like is this real life right now like i just feel like i'm going crazy how old are you again i'm 30. okay how old is he he's the same age as me okay i would love for you to stop apologizing for things that you don't need to apologize for i would love for you to stop defending your feelings for feelings that are valid, you know? Yeah. Like, hey, I want you to have fun.

I'm sorry I'm not trying to bother you, shit like that. You're not crazy, right? I hope you know this. You have the right to be frustrated. It's not normal that a husband, whether you have kids or not, would act the way he's acting. And the fact that you do have three young kids at home and he's willing to just disappear on you and leave you by yourself to take care of the kids on your own is nuts. And you have a right to feel a certain way about that. And you don't need to apologize to him for the way he makes you feel.

I know. It's something I have to work on because I constantly am like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's just the type of person I am. I don't want you to change who you are and I want you to be an empathetic person, but I also want you to be able to stand up for yourself when it's obvious that you're being taken for granted. And that's why you blow up, right? Because you keep justifying him, his actions, and keep downplaying what he's doing. You keep apologizing to the point where he does something as insane as disappears on you for 24 hours and then comes back and acts like you don't deserve any type of explanation whatsoever. Of course, you would lose your mind. You just need to tell yourself, I have every right to feel this way,

and I have every right to be mad. And the fact that he refuses to acknowledge that is a him problem not a me problem yeah again he sounds like a bully to me and the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them yeah um it's hard like he's the type of person that like like i said earlier like if you like try to do something like that or like stand up or tell him something he'll do it like to the extreme like okay leave you know okay a month you know he would leave for months no maybe that's an exaggeration but like if if you say like leave for a week to leave for months like i'm just making like a okay well that's how is you know you're only 30 yeah is this sustainable? I wish it. How much longer do you think you could do this? I don't know, because I feel like I'm going insane. You're already doing,

I mean, half the time you're already a single parent. In the beginning, like before we, I had to be a stay at home mom. He was not, you know, he was like, no, this, you know, this doesn't all fall on you. Like you, you know, I'm going to be like there with you doing this, like when I'm not working type of thing. But as the, you know, days, whatever have gone by, years have gone by, it's, it's a lot of like, well, this is your responsibility. This is your job. This is what you have to do. Like, for example, I had asked like, oh, hey, can you like take over something for me? Cause like my mental load, like of like even like ordering freaking paper towels or something dumb. I'm like, can you take over it for me? And he was basically like that.

That's my responsibility. He sounds like a person who is trying to find an out. Have you asked him if he wants to be married to you? Yes, I've asked him that. What does he say? He says that he absolutely does, that he just wishes I didn't give him shit when he went out. And did you respond when he said, I don't want you to give me shit to say, well, I don't like being a single parent. I don't like being the only person who stays home while you go out and have fun.

When was the last time he said, hey, babe, just by the way, thanks for always taking care of our kids when I go out. I would love for you to go out with your girls or have a weekend or treats you to a trip and offers to stay home and take care of the kids while you spoil yourself or go have fun. Anything remotely close to that? When was the last time he's done that, if ever? He has said things like that before, but not the way you just said it. He said it like, oh, well, you, you know, you never take any opportunity to do things with friends. Like, why don't you do something?

When was the last time he offered to take care of the kids? When was the last time he insisted? I mean, it's all great, but like, would he, would he stay home? Yeah, he would. He would. But maybe like six months ago, I went and hung out with one of my friends and like it was her birthday. He did stay with them. It was an overnight thing because it was her birthday.

When I got home the next morning, he was pissed. About what? That I stayed out, even though it was a planned thing. He said that I was being spiteful. So the one time in the year that you went out with your girlfriend, he made you feel bad about it? Yes. Yeah. I mean, he still brings it up.

I still feel bad about it. And yet he's doing it all the time. Yes. Well, but the thing is, he thinks he's not. Like he says it's just never going to be enough for him. What do you mean he thinks he's not? He will go out like one to two times a week or more sometimes. It just depends on the week. But he says, I barely go out like one to two times a week or more sometimes it just depends on the week but he says

i barely go out i barely that he barely goes out i'm like it's just never going to be enough for you it's never going to be enough you just want to hang with the boys so much i don't know so what are you going to do about it i have no idea i don't know what to do about it i don't know i mean i'm in therapy like i've touched on it a little bit with my therapist. What do they say? We're still like diving into it completely because she was like more focused because I had like birth trauma. So she was like focusing on that. She told me that like she's like, I hear manipulation, I hear gaslighting, I hear things like that. So she hasn't really like told me a thing to do yet because we kind of just started touching on it.

Other than your husband, what is your support system look like? My parents, my sister, they live an hour and 15 minutes from me. And then I have like a few friends that live near us too, but I don't really like confide in them about like what's going on in my marriage. Why don't you tell them? My friends, like why don't I tell my friends? I mean, yeah. Why do you choose not to tell certain people? I get that you're not going to tell everyone your business, but yeah, it sounds, I'm getting the sense that there are certain people that you are really close with that you tell a lot, but this, there's some reason why you're not communicating with certain people

about what's going on in your marriage. i'm curious yeah um yeah i know i do that i i think it's because i just don't want them to like have that image of him you know because like why why are you protecting him i don't know i think like in my head i'm like oh if um you know things change and like in a perfect world like we can work out and he can just like get a wake-up call like i don't want them to be like oh you're a piece of shit husband well he's being a piece of shit husband and it is i i think it will take some sort of wake-up call and that's the question what is that what is that wake-up call gonna be because it's it doesn't sound like he's just gonna wake up one day Because it doesn't sound like he's just going to wake up one day and look in the mirror and think, wow, I've been a really self-centered, shitty husband and father.

And he's going to show up and be like, babe, my bad. So sorry. Don't know what I was thinking. I mean, miracles do happen, but I think it would be a miracle. It probably would be. I wouldn't hope and count on a miracle. So what do you think is reasonable? I thought about just being like, Hey,

like I need to take some time away and like stay at my parents' house. And, and you know, Tom, like it's not about the kids, like take the kids whenever you want, like see the kids. Like I don't ever want to be the person that's like,

you can't see the kids or whatever, but no. Yeah. But he's got to, he's got to take time to do that. Yeah. I've thought about that. Just being like, I need to get away from this. I would love for you to practice because I think it makes a lot of sense.

And I'm glad at some point you asked him like, hey, do you want to be married to me and things like that? You're constantly asking him about his feelings and what he thinks and what you think you should do. And what I'd love for you to start doing is just communicating as calmly as you can exactly how you feel about his actions. Hey, you're leaving me constantly home alone with the kids. I feel like a single mother. I feel lonely. Articulate to him all the ways his actions make you feel. He may not give a shit.

He may try to, I hate using the word, get quote unquote gaslight you into making you feel like you're doing something wrong. It's just manipulation. That doesn't mean you're wrong. And you just standing up for yourself, knowing that you have the right to feel the way you do regardless of how he responds. And the more you can show him that regardless of how he reacts, that it's not going to change how confident you are and how shitty he is acting towards you. And you have a limit to how much you're willing to put up with. And this is all this is, right? He is basically calling bullshit. It's a game of chicken. You're complaining, you're griping. And he's just like, you know what? I'm just going to do a combination of not giving a shit, making her feel like she's

in the wrong, act like the victim. And I'm just going to wear her down. Yeah, he's definitely wearing me down. I need to stand up for myself more. I have told him before, like, hey, I'm really lonely. Like, I feel super isolated. Like, it's hard for me. He has said, well, he goes, well, it's scary when you say that you're lonely because like you're lonely at home. Like, what are you going to do? Like, what are you going to do? What are you going to seek out, basically? I'm lonely because I want to spend quality time with my husband. And if that's something that you're not interested in doing with me, then I don't know why we're married. I want you to stop asking him, do you think we should be married? And I want you to start saying, why am I married to you? I didn't sign up for this. I did not sign up to feel like a single mother half the time. I did not sign up to be married to a man who doesn't enjoy being around his wife and

his kids. I don't enjoy, I didn't sign up to be married to a person who makes me feel bad when I communicate my feelings towards him and constantly makes me feel like I'm the bad guy and he's the victim. I didn't sign up for any of this. And I'm only 30 years old. I still have my great looks and I'm still young. And I, hey, I'm getting a crash course on being a single mother. So every day that goes by, I get less and less scared of being alone because I'm already alone. And while I would love to do everything possible to save this marriage, because despite how you've treated me, I love you. And I want to figure out a way to fix this. You have left me with no choices. And I want you to practice saying this to yourself over and over and over, because again, right now he's not afraid of you

leaving. I don't know if you listened to Monday's episode about the woman who called in, who his husband's constantly hunting. Not yet, but I saw on Instagram a little, like I listened to a little bit. I was like, Oh, I gotta, I gotta do this one. Very different story. But I feel like I'm talking to the same person where it's just like, you know, it really makes me sad to hear, you know, people like yourself whose husbands don't want to be husbands and leave them no choice. You know, he's leaving you no choice. You literally feel helpless. You're just thinking like, this seems like crazy to me. I'm married. Like, what the fuck's going on? You feel stuck.

Yeah. You and now you have three kids. I definitely feel stuck. I feel like I tell him all the time. I'm like, you're making me feel crazy. Like, I feel insane. I'm like, this is I'm like, this is not normal. And if I stopped giving him so much crap for going out, then basically that this would all stop. And he just doesn't want to be controlled, he says. But I'm like, I'm not trying to control you. I just want to know that you're coming home. My sister, like I confide in her a lot, but she is a huge hothead. Like no matter if he changes, she'll hold us against him the rest of his life. Now it's a good for me in a way, like she's in my corner. She's like already trying to make a plan for me to like, Hey, like you do this, you need to do this. Like she calls it like an ultimatum type of thing.

But I mean, I'm glad you have your sister like that. And honestly, I wouldn't worry. I wouldn't stop trying to protect your husband. And it's not necessary. I don't know your sister. But the truth is, that's not true. It might take a lot of work for your husband to get back into your sister's good graces. But if he really wanted to, if it was a priority for him, he could get back into good graces. If he was willing to step up and change his behavior and go out of his way and show consistency over a long period of

time. He might not be able to get in your sister's good graces in a week or a month or a year because she has no reason to believe that he's actually going to do what he says, and rightfully so. Your sister is... And part of the reason why your sister is so protective of you is because you're not appropriately protecting yourself, and she recognizes that. And it's and I'm not trying to say that to make you feel bad because it's it can be hard to do on your own. But like, I'm glad you have your sister in your corner. I'm glad you have that kind of fighter for you, that lioness energy who wants to protect her sister, even if it means like saying fuck you to her husband who's not treating her well. And again, if he if it was really a priority, he could go out of his way and he could sit your sister down. And I don't know if he's mature enough to do something like this. And if he really wanted to, he could say, hey, listen, I just want to say I'm sorry because I haven't been treating your sister the way she deserves to be treated.

And quite honestly, I get it. But like, I'm here to tell you, I'm here to prove myself to your sister and want to win her affection back. But just so you know, it is a priority for me to show you and the rest of your family that I don't want to be that type of person. And if he were to say something like that and do that and then spend the next year or two with his behavior showing that, I'm guarantee you, you get back in your sisters and graces. You just doubt that he would actually do that. And rightfully so, which is why you think that he I don't think he'd ever do that. Yeah.

Well, that should tell you something. You're only 30 years old. And I hate saying this, and I'm not trying to have people call up like the woman whose husband wasn't a present husband. And I'm not trying to have people call up and say, hey, maybe you should consider a divorce, because I don't want to get divorced, truly know, truly to your part. But like, he is giving you no options. He is treating you like a prisoner. He is a bully in. He is taking you for granted and you are,

you're trying everything. You're in therapy by yourself. You're pleading with him. You're begging him. He doesn't give a shit. And then he is weaponizing your fears and feelings against you there's hints of abuse it's fucked up you know and yeah yeah you're only 30 and i know but i know you never imagined being a single sure yeah but three kids if it's as bad as is way you're describing, it's not ideal. Life isn't ideal. I know we all

imagine our perfect picture lives, but we all have our shit. Every single one of us will eventually live our lives and shit's going to happen. And we're going to think, I can't believe this fucking happened to me. And then hopefully we deal with it and we get over. And then five years from now, something else will happen where you'll be like, I can't believe this happened to me. And it's going to feel horrific and shitty and terrible. And maybe it's going to feel like you can't get over it, but you can. And we've all been through this. Everyone has a different version. Some people have been cheated on. Some people are in a situation like you've been in. Other people, they've dealt with death. And life is hard. you know. Yeah.

You can overcome this. I really hope that for your sake that you can make this work with your husband. But, you know, it's not entirely your choice. It's his choice. And he's not choosing to want to be your husband or the father that he promised you he would be. So you have to hold him accountable. And I do think it's going to take a wake-up call. So, you know, the wake-up call, what do you have in your control? What will you have in your control is

be grateful that you have the support system of your parents and your sister. And I would maybe start considering a little bit of separation and yeah, taking the kids and going to mom and dad and be like, hey, listen, I don't want to be in this marriage and you don't want to be the husband that I deserve. And if you're willing to go to couples therapy with me, and if you're willing to change your behavior, then I would love to work on this relationship. But if you're not, then I just do not want to be in this type of relationship. I don't deserve this. I'm only 30 years old. I have the rest of my life and I refuse to be your prisoner. Yeah, I think I am going to do that. Like, you know, the whole thing with my parents.

It's funny, actually, we did go to couples therapy about a year ago. He agreed to go. There you go. That's hope, you know? Yeah, and we were in it for like, I want to say six months. It just basically, it just like got us nowhere.

Why do you feel like that? Why do you feel like that was the case so the therapist my husband is like he's a little bit intimidating he's like very alpha so we had a male therapist i felt like the whole time the therapist was trying to like get on my husband's like good side so that he was like afraid that he would stop therapy or something if he like wasn't you know like like good cop like yes yes so um we didn't really ever get to like the root of our issues like because we were like he was calling it like stonewalling and things like that and the therapist your husband the therapist and so he but he the therapist would just be like oh come on man you can't do that like bro talk him

type of thing so it just really never got us over anywhere. And I ended up getting like frustrated. And I was the one who was like, you know what? I, I'm going to do therapy by myself now and find myself a therapist because I would, I would love to talk to this guy. So yeah, I ended, I ended the therapy and I was like, I'm going to do a lot do my own therapy and that's it. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sucks. I wish I had a better answer for you.

But I do think it's just going to come down to you standing up for yourself. Again, this whole alpha persona, he's a bully. And unfortunately, the only thing bullies respond to is when people actually have the guts to stand up to them. And people have the guts to say, you know what? Fuck you. I'm not, you can't intimidate me anymore. You can't pressure me into doing what you want. I am no longer afraid to stand up for myself.

I don't need you. This isn't ideal. This is not what I want, but I can do it. And you have to demonstrate strength to your husband because he is used to you making you feel weak and insecure and he's used to making you question yourself. And so then you feel powerless and again weak and that's his MO. So you have to demonstrate strength and independence and confidence with him. And it's going to be scary and hard, but you thank God you have your sister to back you up and

gas you up and make you feel, and you have your parents and you're going to be okay. It's not ideal. It's not what you planned for. It's not what you wanted. And hopefully this will be a wake up call for him. But if I were you, honestly, in addition to maybe going to mom and dad's house, your sister's house, wouldn't kill you to pick up a phone and look up a divorce lawyer. Doesn't mean you have to get divorced, but I do think it's, do be diligent, get in front

of it, get your information, understand your rights, understand what you have to get divorced, but I do think it's, be diligent, get in front of it, get your information, understand your rights, understand what you have. He doesn't need to know about it, but I wouldn't procrastinate. And again, you doing that will make you feel more in control. It'll give you options. It'll make you feel like, hey, I could do this. You'll understand your rights. You'll understand, well, if I decide I want a divorce, here's what I'm entitled to, you know, and this is what you can plan for. But stop sitting around and reacting to what he does. Be proactive. Make decisions for yourself. Make decisions because you know what's right for you. You have been reactive and waited around and been passive with him for far too long. It's time that you start taking charge of your life because he doesn't want

to focus on your marriage. I think that's the thing. Like you just said, I need to stop waiting around. That's basically what I feel like I do is I just wait around. If you do do this, you got to try as best as you can to not let him trigger you or be reactive. I would still communicate love to him. Hey, listen, i'm sorry you're upset like not don't apologize for actions you can empathize with him being upset i'm sorry this is upsetting you but i'm at my end i still love you i still want to make this work but you have left me no choice okay but you always remain calm yeah i i and that's what i like i can't i usually do except literally that that last fight i exploded and that's because you bottled it all up so don't bottle up just you

know just calmly to say hey listen i love you this is your choice you made this decision i didn't want this and i'm sorry if this is upsetting to you i I'm sorry, but the ball is in your court. Just keep letting him know that the ball is in his court. Okay. But it's going to take a lot of work for you to trust him again and feel safe around him as your husband. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm going to do it actually for like next week and see if I can stay at my parents

starting Monday. You're only 30 years old. And I know that can feel scary. You're a beautiful woman. You have a lot going for you. Even if the next two to three years are a struggle bus, you'll still only be 33. And that's better than because either way, if you do nothing, the next three years are going to be a struggle. That's a guarantee. So making changes will still might be a struggle in the short term, but in the long term, you're going to free yourself up from being married to a bully. Yeah.

And if you want to choose not to be a bully, then, you know, that'd be great. Yeah, I'd rather I hope, you know, that's what I'm hoping, like in this perfect scenario, like it'll just like make him have a wake up call and like want to make things work. Hopefully, but I wouldn't, you know, it's going to take some time and trust your sister. You know, she has a benefit of not having a biased and, and, you know, she has an outside point of view. So let your sister be the barometer for whether he deserves to be back in her good graces. Because, you know, for you, as soon as he, if let's say you do go to mom and dad's and like you stand up for yourself maybe there's a chance for he's like oh my god i'm so sorry babe let's do couples therapy well that could be a temporary thing uh-huh you know all of a sudden your couples therapy and he goes out again three weeks later he really needs to show you that he's committed to this and that's

not going to happen overnight i guess i get confused too because i'm like you know it's okay to go out separately and it's okay to be with friends. Of course it is. Yes, it's okay to have balance and once in a while go out with your friends, even if it was once a week for a couple hours, but constantly never checking in, refusing to go, refusing to have each other's GPS and then make you feel like you're some sort of stalker and call you names and constantly go out and disappear for periods of time. That's that's not it. And that's not. And the fact that he makes you feel like you're lecturing him for going out like twice a month with his buddies and like you're the crazy one is ridiculous. Yeah. And then the one time you went out and you stayed overnight,

then he made you feel bad about it. Yeah, it's yeah, I hear you. I'll give you an update whenever I do it. But thank you guys so much. Good luck again. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks. There's no way around it, but you can get through it. Thank you.

I appreciate it. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. All right. OK, bye. Bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. Take care. All right. Okay. Bye. Bye. was whatever your stress is that you have in your life, let a mental health professional from BetterHelp help you through those struggles.

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And their whole BetterHelp team is very on it in terms of customer service. So if you do need to make a change or you need to switch a therapist, like they're right there, they'll email you back. They're here to really just help you find the best therapist and get the help you need. Celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit BetterHelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash V-I-A-L-L. BetterHelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L.

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obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders now only on Peacock. Ladies and gentlemen. What are you doing? What do you mean? Just keep it simple. I'm making the promo. Just keep it simple. Just say, hey, we're the Brav Bros.

Two guys that talk about Bravo. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're the Brav Bros. No. Oh. Dude, stop with the voice. Just keep it simple. I've seen promos on TV, dude.

This is how you get the fans engaged. This is how you get listeners. We're trying to get listeners here. If we just say, oh, we're two dudes that talk about Bravo, people are going to get tired of it already. We need some oomph. All right, then fine. Let's try to do it with your voice.

Brav Bros. Good job. How's it going? Good. How voice bravo bros good job how's it going good how are you good what's your name my name is jess and i am 29 almost 30 but i'm going to hold on to my 20s as long as i can okay and i feel like i am a single mom with a husband okay well you're not the only one we just just cut off the call with someone in a very similar situation. Tell me more. So my husband is a fuel hauler. He's a truck driver. It's not over the road trucking. He's with a company. So when he got this job about three years ago, it was promised that he was going to be home every night. Then since then, we've had a daughter. She's two years old. It hasn't really

went as promised, I guess. He kind of jumps at the opportunity to be over the road because he said it makes him feel like a real trucker. And I guess that's super frustrating to me because... What does a real trucker feel like? I don't know. He watches all these YouTube videos of truckers and their trucks and on the road for months at a time and thinks it's so cool. It's very frustrating to me. I've asked him before, why are you the only one at your company that goes out of town for this many nights in a row when no one else does? And he's like, well, everyone else has kids. I'm like, you have kids. You literally have kids.

You also have kids. I'm like, think about everyone else that doesn't go. They have kids. Everyone that does go over the road doesn't have kids or doesn't have young kids anymore. So, you know, I kind of asked him to think about that for a minute. You know, think about me who's, I mean, I work full time. I'm a teacher. So when I pick up my daughter from daycare, I'm beat. I mean, I'm a first grade teacher. So I'm with 19, six-year-olds all day. And then I go home to my two-year-old and then I don't have a husband to help me. So it's tough. Yeah. I'm sorry. Thanks. So yeah. Boy, where do we go from here?

So another thing that's really drives me crazy is sometimes he'll be gone for two days and then he has like a home base here in our town. And when he gets to that shop, he'll stay there for 3 hours at a time, just talking to his friends. After he has already not seen our daughter. And she's crying. She wants daddy. She hasn't seen him for 2 days. And he's just talking to his friends, not answering his phone, completely ignoring me. I've told him before, that's not okay. You need to come home. Like your daughter needs to see you. And sometimes by the time he comes home, like I already have her in bed. Like she's already sleeping. What does he say? He says that everyone else's wives don't

care and I'm being dramatic. Okay. I disagree with that. I don't think I'm being dramatic. I think it's pretty normal to have some anxiety about that. And you're right. I'm an anxious person in general. So when he's gone, I'm like, oh my gosh, did he crash? Like, did he crash his truck? Is that why he's not answering me? Or did something big happen that I need to know about? Or why isn't he answering his phone?

How long have you guys been together? Six years. How long have you been married? Three. Has this type of behavior been consistent? I guess it's been a little consistent. I mean, at the beginning of our relationship, we had other issues. He had a different job, which actually put him out of town for weeks, months at a time. And at that time, we didn't have our two-year-old, but he does have a daughter from a previous relationship. She's 11 now. But when I met her, she was six. Is he as unpresent in her life as he is in his current daughter's life or current?

Younger. Younger daughter. Our daughter, obviously we live together. So he's more involved with her just because of that fact. And then the other daughter lives with her mom part of the time. I mean, since I've came into her life, I've been the more consistent parent, I guess, between both of them. I mean, she had a hard time when he was gone for months. I mean, she was six years old. She missed dad too. I mean, just like my two-year-old misses dad. And that's why I kind of forced him to get this different job where he's going to be home every night because I knew I wanted to have kids with

him. And I knew that would be best for our kids and his daughter. And I guess just nothing has really... So it wasn't the job. It was him. Yeah. I mean, I think he likes, especially now, he likes being gone because he doesn't have that pressure of... Being a father or being a husband. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, coming home and playing with your daughter and doing bath time, it's always on me. It's like, oh, well, mommy will do it even when he's there. And I'm like, well, why does mommy always have to do? I mean, I've been doing it every single day of her life.

And the other thing that gives me a lot of anxiety is when he's at work, my mind races because I am an anxious person. And I, about two years ago, right after our daughter was born, actually, I found some text messages between him and a female co-worker that made me very uncomfortable like what so she's his dispatch which is like tells him what loads to do so she was texting him and honestly i i looked because i saw a text that said just being a good wifey or something like that uh-huh so i'm like like his wife kind of bullshit yeah i'm like what is what is this and so i looked at it and it was like those two just having like casual conversation

like oh like i bet you're one of those girls that did this in high school blah blah and like sent each other pictures of what they looked like in high school and like my husband was like oh we would have gotten into some real trouble together and i was like first of all absolutely not no like that's super inappropriate you're married married. You just had a newborn baby. Then she like sent a picture of dinner and was like, oh, made this for my husband. And my husband was like, oh, what a lucky guy. And she's like, oh, I sure am a good little wifey. Yeah. Inappropriate. Yeah. And then there was another text where he's like, I hope I didn't overstep my boundaries

yesterday on the phone. So apparently they were having conversations on the phone. And he's like, I was just worried about you. You didn't sound like yourself. How long ago was that? This was two years ago. Did you address it with him? Yes. And?

So I went through all these messages and I was like, this is just not, no, this isn't okay. I'm like, you need to stop talking to her that I'm done with this. And he's like, well, how am I supposed to stop talking to her? She dispatches my loads for me. And I'm like, well, I don't care. You're going to text her right now. And you're going to tell her from now on, this relationship is strictly professional. You will only text about work and you will not be having phone calls anymore. So he did. Oh, another thing is he asked her her full name. And she was like, oh, are you going to Facebook stop me? And he was like, maybe. So that was weird.

Yeah. I mean, he was obviously flirting and being inappropriate. And he just tried to tell me that it was nothing like he was just being nice. Well, that's not the case. That's not doesn't mean he was fucking her, but like he was clearly acting inappropriate. Exactly. He was dipping his toes in the water, so to speak. And I don't even want to know what would have come of that if I hadn't, you know, found it. And I'm like, that's not what I'm noticing.

This pattern is like he for much or all of your relationship has acted a certain way. And from time to time, you have almost like a parent told him how he needs to act. like a parent told him how he needs to act, but I've never heard a time where he has on his own or showed a desire to be the type of husband or father that you would like him to be. Would that be accurate? Yeah. Yeah. So what do you do about it?

I think he has two different personalities because sometimes when I bring something up, he'll be super receptive. You're like, I'm so sorry. You're right. I need a change. Even this morning, he texted me and said, Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. And I'm sorry for not helping out around the house. I really need to figure it out and get the motivation to start doing that more.

And I was like, well, it's kind of out of nowhere. But I agree. Thank you. I completely agree with that. But then other times it's like, why would you say that? I help out. I don't want to talk about this. It's because he's defensive. It's guilt. It's defensiveness. It's not two different personalities. It's just he decides, I guess, conveniently to feel empathy for you. I guess what is convenient for him when you're not attacking him or when you're not lecturing him. And again, like I'm not trying to, you know, come down on you, but this isn't a marriage. This is like a kind of, you act like a parent sometimes to him,

probably because at times he acts like a child, you know? So I hear you on that. When you come at him, he just gets defensive, you know? It's not two different personalities it's just a lack of consistency from him and a willingness to be the type of partner and father that he should be and every once in a while he decides to feel guilty about it people sense energy i don't think it's a coincidence at all that he texts i don't think it was out of nowhere maybe you know the fact you called in today and the fact that you had this schedule to talk to me about it, I'm guessing he didn't know about it. Well, either way, I bet you, and my therapist, Darlene, would totally agree with me, that he sensed that energy.

You know, I don't know how you've been acting around him, but you've probably been giving him kind of a, I don't fucking need you energy or kind of a little bit of a fuck you energy at independence. And he sensed that. And that caused a little fear. And that fear caused him to be like, you know what, I should send this appreciation note or whatever. It wasn't out of the blue. He picked up on something. You know what I'm saying? It's not a coincidence. The fact that he said that today, of all days, the day that you called in to have a conversation with me

about your frustrations in your marriage, you know, knowing that there's a good chance I would be like, fuck this guy, you know, like, yeah. And try to gas you up and make you feel confident about like, Hey, whatever you decide to do, you can do it. You know, you're going to be okay. Yeah. You know, cause that's true, you know? And so couples therapy, has that been an option? Has it been discussed? Yes, we have been in couples therapy before. And? It was good. The last time we went, I was pregnant with my daughter. Okay. Why'd you stop?

Just after having a newborn, I wanted to watch the baby, kind of just fell off the list of priorities at the time. Okay. Well, it's obviously important. And especially since you found it helpful. Also, you can Zoom into therapy. There's ways to be creative with how you take care of your mental health. You know, like I love in person, but if you can't make it in person, understand me. So, because you guys have a lot going on, hell, he can be on the road and you can be at home and you guys can go to couples therapy because you could both do it remote. You know, if it was a priority for both of you, you could make it work. Yeah. That's another thing you said, him sensing that energy as he actually texted me

before that and was like, I really need a change. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, or you'll leave me? And I said, yes. And he was like, okay. So I was like, yes, I will. And every time I've been like, I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be a single mom who has a husband. And then if he's in the defensive mode, he's like, okay, fine, let's get a divorce. Let's do something about it. And I'm like, how is that helpful in any way? It's not helpful. It's him being a child.

That's his child self acting out and being rebellious and being defiant. I bet when he was a kid at times when his mom or dad said, you know, you're punished. And if you do this, he would say he'd stomp his feet and he would be defiant. And then, you know, he'd get in trouble. I bet a million dollars. Yeah. And he was like that as a kid. I mean, he has a lot of issues with being left.

I mean, his mom left him when he was a kid. So he's very like he's got some childhood trauma. You know, he's got some stuff he hasn't resolved. Has he been into therapy on his own? Yeah. But, um, he actually had like a not great experience cause he was a kid and they told his adoptive parents everything he said, and it just kind of made him mistrust therapy. I'm sorry he went through that. So yeah, listen, he's got some issues he's got to work out, but he is an adult and he's got to make a decision for himself that, you know, does he want to let his past trauma affect his adult life? And a lot of people do. It really sucks what he went through. And it is a violent, the fact that his trust was violent in therapy is I really feel for him because I would totally understand why he would be very reluctant. But he's got to figure out a way to overcome that, I guess. I don't know. I'll probably ask my therapist what she thinks about that, because I don't know. I don't have an answer for that. I'd be guessing in terms of how does one

regain trust with just therapy in general when that trust was broken in the past, especially as a child. I mean, I really feel for him. I do think maybe something you could try in the meantime is that despite your frustrations, still be willing to, and maybe you're doing this, I don't know, still give him love, you know, still show appreciation for him, still compliment him, still make him feel good about himself. You know what I'm saying? Like you can still do that while still letting him know that he is not stepping up as a husband or a father. But when he does something that makes you feel proud of him or that is good, it's still okay to compliment him. Clearly he has some abandonment issues and maybe, you know, his childhood trauma is the reason why he's weirdly feel safer isolated by himself on the road. He doesn't have to count on anyone because he hasn't

been able to count on anyone as a child. So he doesn't want to get too close to anyone. The fact that his parents abandoned him, he's adopted, I think makes a lot of sense why he's kind of an absent father. But I think it would go a long way to say, hey, listen, as frustrated as I am with you and as sad as it is that I have to deal with this, I believe in you. There's a reason why I got married to you. I think you are capable of being an amazing husband and a father. I don't know why you often choose not to be. And again, choose not to be as if like it is a choice because he is capable. He's not some piece of shit person who doesn't know how to do it. Now, he clearly has some roadblocks, some emotional roadblocks

because of some past trauma. But at some point, we can't just keep using our past as an excuse for how we act as adults. It's one thing to become aware about how much our childhood traumas affect us as adults. And those can really shine a light on why we do what we do. And that can allow us to give ourselves grace and empathy. And it can allow other people in our lives like you as his wife to like maybe understand him a little bit more and again, give him grace and empathy. But at some point you have your limits like everyone else does. At some point, he can't keep using his childhood as an excuse for how he treats other people around him because all he is doing is

just really passing down the trauma to his kids. People struggling with alcoholism and things like that. Yeah, that's a disease. It sucks. It's brutal. And you feel for the people struggling with alcoholism, but there is a cost that trickles down to their family and friends. And at some point, despite their disease that they struggle with, they need to be held accountable because they're affecting other people's lives. And that's just one of many examples. I'm glad he sent Woody. It sounds like there's some reason to hope there.

I mean, we got off a call with a woman where there doesn't seem a lot of reason to hope. Would he come on the show and talk with us together with you? Probably. Really? Let's set it up. Let's do it. Okay. Yeah, he would. He pretty much does what I want him to do, you know, within reason. Okay. Well, I'm getting a little bossy lady from you. I mean, a little bit. I am a teacher, so I'm the boss.

I get it. But I need you to work on that because if you're the boss, then you're not a partner. That's true. And no one wants to be bossed around by their partner. No one wants a parent telling them what to do. It's also just not sexy. No one wants to fuck their mom. I don't want to be his mom. Well, I know you don't want to, but I think that is your default.

And I think you are maybe because you are a teacher or whatever. But I do think whether you say you hate it or not, you still choose to do it. Oh, yeah. And you can choose not to do it. And you can be less of a boss and you can be less of demanding. And, you know, again, like, yeah, it was really hurtful that he had that conversation with that woman. But like this whole like you will not do this anymore. Okay.

I mean, that was one way to handle it. But another way to handle it would have been like that was really hurtful. That hurt my feelings. And like, I can't be with you if you choose to do this to me and choose to not prioritize me and to disrespect me that way. And you were just like, never do this again. Like you were his mom. Yeah. And that's not sexy. It'll make him resent you. Yeah. I can definitely see that. I want you to do what you can do because he has a lot he needs to do.

His actions are not your fault. So I just want to be clear. But that is something that I think you could work on. I do think it's something that is affecting your ability as a couple to connect. It also might be why he wants to get away from you. Yeah, I mean, that checks out. You got to try to work on that. Yeah. So, hell, honestly, if I'm in a relationship that's i'm

feeling like i'm unhappy and i'm not connected and things i would rather realize that there's things i can work on rather than just being all their fault you know oh for sure because it's like well fuck you know because our last caller i mean you know i'm not saying she was perfect and who knows but like she was really putting in a pickle, put in a corner. A bind. A bind. It was like, what are you supposed to do? But the good news is, I think there's things you can work on. I agree.

And I think you really need to try to work on being his partner and not his parent. Yeah. I think he would agree with that as well. Okay. Well, maybe since he sent you a little nice text today, maybe you could send one back today as well saying, I just want to say, I really appreciate you recognizing that. It would mean a lot to me if you would really try to focus on that. I also want to say, I think sometimes instead of being your partner, I boss you around sometimes and I sometimes don't give you the respect I think you deserve. And that's something I want to work on as well. And I hope that we can work on things together. deserve. And that's something I want to work on as well. And I hope that we can work on things together. And that's you two both humbling yourselves and acknowledging there's things

that you both can work on. And it's not on the burden of any one person. And you're going to make a promise to each other of things that you both are going to hold yourselves accountable and each other accountable to come closer together. Okay. And I think you sending a message like that will go a long way. Okay. Yeah, I can do that. All right. Well, I would love to talk to you guys together. So let's schedule that.

He would. Great. Amazing. We'll have the team get that locked in. Okay. But in the meantime, yeah, listen, other than talking to me, I think he really needs to get into therapy. And at the same time, I really empathize why he struggles with that. I think therapy in general has come a long way in the past 20 or 30 years. Listen, there's bad

mechanics. There's bad doctors out there. Just because someone is called a doctor or someone is an IT specialist doesn't mean they're good at their job. There's a lot of bad teachers, I'm sure you are aware of. And so he has the right to have the scars that he has, but he can still recognize that not all doctors or all therapists are created equal. And there's millions out there. And his next therapist he tries might not be the one he wants to stay with as well. But he also can fire them and find a new one. You know, if you took your car to a mechanic and they left the oil filter in the engine, you wouldn't go back to that mechanic. Right. But you wouldn't stop taking care of your car. Yeah. You would just find another mechanic.

Yeah, that's a good way to look at it. And I think he would be receptive of that too. Right. Hopefully. Right. Well, step one is send him a nice sweet message, thanking him for his message, and then pointing out things that you would like to work on with him and say, I think there's hope for us and I still want to make this work and I want us to

come closer and I want you to start using we and us language a lot more than you and I. And I really want you to work on checking yourself from telling him what to do. Yeah, I do need to work on that for sure. That's okay. We all need to work on things. Yeah. Our next update will be the two of you calling in together for mediation. I can't wait. I look forward to meeting them.

Thank you. All right. Well, good luck. Step one. This will be a journey. We're on with you. Yes. Thank you so much.

All right. There's a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm optimistic. Me too. All right. Take care. Happy holidays. We'll talk soon. All right. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send those questions at AskNick at TheVileFiles.com

for all things texting, office hours, AskNick, mediation, you know the drill. We'll be back tomorrow for an exciting episode of Reality Recap recap can't wait to bring it to you and on thursday we got going deeper with katie maloney and exciting new announcement can't wait it's gonna be wild see you then Bye.