The Viall Files - E690 Ask Nick - Teachers Gone Wild / My Cheating Past

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we read an email from a listener who plans to get married, but her future brother-in-law refuses to attend the ceremony because it’s not in a church.  Then, we get to our callers.  Our first caller hasn’t told her fiance that her last divorce was due to her own infidelity. She shares her guilt and is afraid he’ll leave her after she breaks the news. Our second caller has her first crush on another girl… and she happens to be her coworker. She’s dropped hints with little success and wants to know if she should make a move at their upcoming Christmas party. Our final caller has only been on 3 dates in 5 years. Is it her high standards, is it because she lives in a small town, or is it because she’s a f*ck boy?  “To connect with people, you have to be willing to get to know them. You have to be vulnerable with them, and hope that they’ll be vulnerable with you. That’s how you make a connection.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes. Listen To Disrespectfully now! Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/disrespectfully/id1516710301\ Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0J6DW1KeDX6SpoVEuQpl7z?si=c35995a56b8d4038 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCh8MqSsiGkfJcWhkan0D0w To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: HelloFresh - Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/viallfree and use code viallfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. Shopify - Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://shopify.com/viall  Helix - Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/VIALL and use code HELIXPARTNER20 Lume - As a special offer for our listeners, new customers GET $5 OFF a Lume Starter Pack with code VIALL at https://www.LumeDeodorant.com. That equates to over 40% off your Starter  Nutrafol - Nutrafol is offering our listeners ten dollars off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to https://www.Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code THEVIALLFILES. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam  @dereklanerussell

I'm Katie Maloney, I'm 37, a divorcee, and I'm out here falling in love every day with myself. And I'm Dana Kathan, 33, former needy mess and delusional Leo, but I've never been happier. Never been happier. You know that. Good. The foundation of this podcast is for people who want to live their life unapologetically. It's a safe space for anyone who's going through a transition in their life or just dealing with the regular bullshit. It's a religion. for anyone who's going through a transition in their life or just dealing with the regular bullshit.

It's a religion. Wait, I love that. We're not saying that we're looking for nine women to start a coven, but that might be why we started this podcast. But we're not not saying that. We're not not saying that. Community, coven, cult, it's all in the same category. This podcast is for single people. Also if you're married.

Also if you're a zoo animal. Dating, married, single, thinking a zoo animal dating married single thinking about dating married and thinking about dating i don't know about that but this podcast is for everyone every phase we're going to be sharing cautionary tales giving advice from our own lived experience relationships dating mental health friendship career katie and i have been through pretty much everything that could resemble dating life starting over again picking things back up this is for anyone looking to do any of those things or also just like looking to laugh and hang out with your friends because we're your friends

or cry there's gonna be some crying how much crying would you say i'm not a big crier but i can make other people cry i love that disrespectfully disrespectfully join our cult i mean community i mean the coven religion community community let's just stick with community. Listen to the podcast. Listen to the podcast. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick Joy. With me, the household of Allie. What's up, Allie?

What's up? Not too much. Just hanging out. How's it going? Yeah, how's it going? Good. Starting a new year. New year's fresh fresh do you have like new year's resolutions no but i started working on a vision board so i've never done that before so we're just going for it where'd you get this idea what

what is involved in the vision board well i don't know if i'm doing it correctly or if there's like specific things you're supposed to do but i was just trying to like dream everything from like things I want to do to things that are going to happen this year to like everything as simple as I'm like, I've always wanted just like a really comfy couch. I've always had this tiny little sofa and like in my next place, I want to have like a really comfy couch you can lounge on. So I like got a picture of a couch. Okay. So it's like everything. So it's work, personal, lifestyle, dating, everything.

Yeah. There are many photos of love. Is it wonderful? Is it on a, like a, like a board? Is that an entire wall? Like, what are we talking? It's like a bulletin board that I stole from the garage. The garage.

Okay. I unscrewed it from the wall and I took it. Did your dad need it or something? No. So it came with the house. Like the people we bought the house from just took it. Did your dad need it or something? No. So it came with the house. Like the people we bought the house from just left it here. So it's never been used. How long have you guys been living in this house?

Since I was like 16. Okay. It's just been sitting there for like 10 years. Okay. A resourceful queen. Yep. There we go. Do you have to like visualize it and then put it away and then circle back at the end

of the year to see if it happened? I don't know the exact. You're asking the wrong person. Who gave you the idea for the vision board? I feel like people just do it. And also my therapist recently was like, I just want you to like every night before bed, just like dream about your ideal life and how you want to feel and just like start dreaming about it. And then I told that to someone else at a Christmas party and they were like, you should do a vision board. So we ended up here.

All right. I love it. Listen, I'm a big believer in manifesting your reality. I mean, there's a lot of other variables that go into it, but I think it starts with believing you can and being optimistic about the things that you want. I definitely believe in that for sure. We just want to say uh to any new listeners we have today obviously off the heels of an electrifying interview with gypsy rose and ryan wow wow wow wow wow wow if you haven't listened to it yet i don't know what the fuck you guys are doing i mean honestly pause this go back check that out because if if you have not checked out gypsy Rose and her just really incredible story. I mean, it's just it's tragic.

It's sad. It's also inspiring and just true crime. You know, that space. Like, if you are into that, be sure to check it out. And if you are new to the show because you found us through Gypsy, welcome. This is the Ask Nick series of the Vow Files. It's where people call in with all their relationship problems and questions, most of which, many of which are romantic in nature, but we get a lot of questions regarding

interpersonal relationships like with parents and siblings and friends and everything under the tree and more. So if you are struggling with a relationship problem of your own, you want to talk about it, write us in. Write us in? Write into us. Write into us. There we go. We can't talk, even though we are hosting a world-renowned podcast.

Anyways, write into us at asknickatthevilefiles.com, just so you know. Everyone's anonymous here at The Vile Files, as we always tell our callers, fake name, real age, and let's get going. But yeah, truly, it's anonymous, and we offer some guidance through our own mistakes. I mean, that's what Ask Nick's and texting office hours are all about is we're

just a group of people who have gotten it wrong before. And we have been willing to reflect and get advice from other people, ask ourselves what we could have done differently. All we can control is our own actions and choices. And that's the focus we try to have here at the Vile Files and especially the Ask Nick callers. Well, thanks for tuning in for one, and I hope you guys enjoy. To kick things off, Allie, do we have a writer in her? As we know, Gypsy and her husband got married in 2022. They also have clearly gone through some family drama. So I thought this was a perfect fit for our next episode. So the subject line is, my fiance's brother is refusing to come to our wedding. Hi, Nick, we need your help and guidance on something really difficult. My fiance and I

are getting married in November. We aren't getting married in a church. We are doing it all at the same venue for convenience and our dogs are going to be in the ceremony. My fiance's brother is very religious and has outright told us he is not coming to the ceremony because he doesn't support us not getting married in a church. However, he said he will come to the reception. We are religious and plan to incorporate it into the ceremony, but he is very firm in his beliefs. He has tried to convince us multiple times to do it in a church, and he says he will come if we do that first. We have told him that it's what we want and please respect it, but he keeps pushing it on us. We are struggling because we don't feel it's

fair for us to have him ditch the ceremony, but still come to the reception. What are your thoughts on this? We don't want to create any family drama, but this is a big deal to us. This isn't the first thing he hasn't supported in our relationship. We have lived together for almost two years before getting married and he has said he won't visit our home until after we are married. How do we approach this? Do we suck it up and deal with it or go with our gut? What is their gut telling them? Their gut is saying they don't necessarily want him to come to the reception if he's not going to support their ceremony.

What is their goal? I mean, as I always say, you know, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? And it's your wedding. So first and foremost, you should have the wedding of your dreams, not anyone else's. You're adults. You're not children anymore. These aren't even your parents. And even if they were your parents, listen, when it comes to family members, family members can be bullies. They often are. And they mask it with guilt and shame around disappointment for the choices that you're making in your life. You know, and you always cut that. That's the hard part, because they are always kind of masking it

and selling it, you know, as to figure out whether you know this person is offering advice that is helpful that we should be listening to and maybe we stubbornly don't want to take or if it's just someone kind of inserting their own beliefs and feelings into our lives when it comes to religion i think you really have to stick to your guns about your own beliefs. If they don't practice, if they're not religious people, first of all, I think it would be disingenuous to simply get married in the church because a sibling of yours is guilting or shaming you into doing so. I don't really see the point, but that's just me. That being said, this whole idea, well, if he doesn't want to go to our ceremony, we don't really see the point, but that's just me. That being said, this whole idea, well,

if he doesn't want to go to our ceremony, we don't want to invite him to our reception. I don't know what's that all about. Maybe it's like, well, if you're not going to come to the more formal part, or if you can't accept that this is our day and we can do what we want and you're going to support us in what we want to do. We don't necessarily want to celebrate with someone who doesn't accept us fully. You're fighting fire with fire, though. You are. You are simply doing the same thing that they're doing. So you're you're what you're not doing is showing them you're not leading by example.

I always go back to that advice that Ronnie Wu offered us when he was a guest on this podcast. And he talked about be the behavior in the relationship that you want. I'm probably butchering what he said, but he, you know, act as if, if you want someone to text you back right away and you want to be very communicative in your relationship with someone that you just met, don't be waiting three or four days to respond. You know, don't do shit like that. If you want your sibling to accept your beliefs, then you need to accept theirs. You know, he is a very devout and pious and, you know, maybe hypocritical person who knows, but those are his beliefs. What we're doing makes you uncomfortable. We do not in any way want to put you in a position that you aren't uncomfortable.

So however you want to participate at our wedding, we would love to have you. You know, like who gives a shit? Like if you had to like, you know, don't be petty. We're like, well, we had to pay for the devil eggs and he didn't come to our ceremony. So like we don't want him to come and drink our alcohol. Like, again, you're just doing the same thing he's doing. But if you were to be the bigger person and just say something like that, listen, hey, listen, we love you. You're our family. And I know we don't always see eye to eye. And we are certainly disappointed that you're disappointed in us. And that's not our goal.

But at the same time, we have to be true to ourselves. And despite our differences and beliefs, we still love you. We accept you for who you are, even though we don't see eye to eye. So whatever makes you the most comfortable, you are welcome. If any part of our wedding makes you uncomfortable, as sad as we are not to have you there, we don't want to put you in a position that bothers you. And saying that, that reduces that person's power over you by so much. Because think about it, when it comes to family members and that guilt and shame, they are trying to elicit a reaction from you. That guilt, that shame, like, how could you? Do you realize what you're doing? Blah, blah, blah. And it gets in your head and you're thinking, oh, maybe I should do this. But to act that indifference, right? That whole like, hey, listen, man, no problem. Your beliefs, as hardcore as they may or may not be,

they don't really affect us. But what bonds us is that we're siblings and that I love you unconditionally. And I'm not going to judge you for your feelings and beliefs, even though you seem to be judging me for mine. Don't say that last part. But that's the energy you want to bring. So don't let it get to you. Don't let him... If he doesn't want to show up to your house until he gets married, no problem. You got to give him that energy where it's just like, it doesn't bother you. It bothers him. And you not being bothered by his feelings takes away all his power.

And the more you show that it bothers you, the more power it gives him. It makes, it fuels his fire. He's going to double down. gives him. It fuels his fire. He's going to double down. If you disinvite him to your reception because he doesn't want to go to your ceremony, it's going to make the focus of your wedding about your brother's-in-law's beliefs and not your love between you and your husband. So again, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? It's not about whether you have the right. Of course, you have the right to be upset. If you want to disinvite him, you have every right to do it. It's your wedding. And you would be justified in being frustrated that he has double standards about how he wants

to like incorporate himself into your life. But it's not often about being right. It's about focusing on you and your husband's relationship and not letting anyone, your brother-in-law included or anyone else, allow their opinions and views of your love and your relationship to affect your day. And you demonstrating that indifference to him or anyone else gives your relationship that much more focus and gives you two that much more power over anyone else who wants to be in your life. It's just all about setting boundaries. It boundary is, this is our day and we're going to focus on each other. And as long as you set that precedent that no one can get in your head and bother you, it gives you guys so much power and control over your relationship.

So that's my two cents. That's what I would do. Yeah. And I'm wondering too, if this is all... and I think it's a great piece of advice because even in the email, it says he has tried to convince us multiple times to do it in a church and says he will come if we do that. Like, I think he knows he has power and he's trying to leverage that. So I'm like, I'd be surprised or interested to find out like if they take this approach and they're like, you do you, we're not changing it. If you don't come, no worries. And if their wedding's not until November, I'm like, I wonder if at some point he'll be like, I'll be there. Probably. And if not, no big deal. It will be his loss, but do not, don't even, don't even let them know you're, you know, other than being like, listen,

I'm disappointed. Sure. But like, I, I respect your beliefs and this this is the point. You want him to respect your choices. And the only way to do that is show him that you respect his, even if it's his choice is to not support you. Because again, that's the tricky thing about religion. We may not agree with her brother-in-law, right? But if he is that devout, we all have the right to believe in what we want to believe in, and we have the right to worship whatever God we want to worship and have thoughts and feelings. And I know we live in a time where the world is so divisive that we want to criticize other people's religions and faiths and beliefs because they don't align with our true feelings. But don't be that person. You can still support your loved ones and your friends, even though sometimes you believe in different things.

The trick is, is to not be as judgmental about their choices. They are about yours, you know? So that's what I would do. Good luck. Congratulations on your engagement. And yeah, just don't fight fire with fire that way. You know, just, I guess, fight it with water. Baptize them.

Yeah, there you go. Baptize them. Yeah. Anyway, thanks for writing in. And again, to all the people tuning in, if you got a question or a problem of your own, please write us in at asknickatthevilefiles.com. Also, don't forget,

we have another blockbuster episode for you this week. Clayton Eckhart, former bachelor who has recently been kind of engulfed in a, I guess you could say like a Maury Povich, like are you, or are you a paternity scandal? So Clayton is with us. It's a very intense conversation.

It's a very vulnerable conversation. It's a very vulnerable conversation. It is also just wild. I mean, wild, unbelievable, shocking, jaw-dropping. Clayton comes with receipts, comes with emails, shares his side of the story, and it is truly fascinating, I guess you could say. I think he does a good job of articulating his side of the story. But again, I want you guys to hear his side of the story. And he goes through every detail. And he's pretty honest about his mistakes. And he says some very unflattering things about his

choices and the things that he did to play a role in this whole story um but it is certainly an episode you won't want to miss and that is this thursday on going deeper on the vile file so be sure to check that out anything else ali before we get to our callers let's just get to those let's get to the colors all right let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, my name's Danielle and I'm 31 and my current fiance doesn't know the real reason I got a divorce and that's because I was having an affair. Okay. Not good. Not good. You got yourself into a bit of a pickle here. Mm-hmm. Rightfully, yeah. Rightfully so. You wrote in. Why did you write in?

I wrote in for a couple reasons. I think the first one is me trying to process through this dilemma that I navigated myself into. But then also, if there's any callers that kind of relate to this type of, I guess, scenario where they have a really bad past of really bad decisions. And then how are they going to, I don't know, how do you be honest about it? And do you be honest about it? And what all should your ex or your new partner understand and know? Okay. My first question, and I don't know if I'm going in any order, but this question popped in my head. You avoiding telling your current fiance or your fiance the truth about your past. How many lies do you think that adds up to? I would say two big ones.

Like one being, have you ever cheated? No, we've actually never had that conversation. Interesting. What are the two big ones? Well, the big one would be what truly led to my divorce. And then the other one would have to do with the guy who I was having the affair with, which became a big problem. OK, well, explain more of both of lot like roommates. We did not have physical intimacy for over a year. And with our schedules just being off, we just were not aligned anymore, which is actually all true. I'm sure. I assumed. Yes. I assumed. That part's all true. So it was easy to lead with that. Of course. Yeah. Most lies aren't total made up lies. There's some truth sprinkled in and things like

that i was omitting the truth more than still lying about it that's still a lot you still like oh 100 still lie um and then the side story would be the man that i was having the affair with did not like knowing that i had moved on and started stalking um he was vandalizing my car. He was now stalking my now fiance and legal stuff had to go into place. And so the big thing was like, why is this guy so obsessed with you? And I would have to be like, it's just a crazy ex. Oh, so, and okay. So at least he knows you had a pass with them. You weren't like, Oh, I don't know. Is this a random guy? Yeah, no, yeah, no. But he doesn't know the truth of like, know is this some random guy oh yeah no yeah no but he doesn't know the truth of like why is this guy so fired up well he's fired up because i ended the affair

got a divorce and didn't go running back to him i started dating my now fiance well i don't know how your now fiance is going to feel about it but at first i thought this was a pretty bad lie because i thought you were like i don't know it's a total stranger but the fact that he knows that this is a guy this is a past boyfriend uh well thanks for finding some silver lining uh but i what i i asked this question because i'm trying to anticipate how your uh fiance is going to respond to the truth but he he knows this is a guy you had a past with yet you had hooked up with and and that clearly if someone's going to stalk someone you clearly had rejected him you know because you had an affair with him like you're implying that

this other guy had some sort of right to you or something and that like would almost make it more sense why he stalked you i don't like to me i don't know why anyone would stalk anyone the fact that he had an affair with you doesn't give him more of a right to stalk you he didn't get dibs on you because he had an affair with you and you were married to someone else because you chose to leave that marriage he wasn't like up next so to speak just like you know people are in situationships all the fucking time and they don't usually end in a relationship. No, that person ends up leaving that person and then dating someone else right away, and usually off the heels of telling that other person they're in a situationship with that they're not looking for a relationship. So that all aside, not good, but could be worse in terms of that.

What have you done to work on yourself to understand why you chose to do what you did? So my marriage ended because my decisions caught up with me because the man who I was having an affair with, once the final rejection happened, he's like, well, I'm going to ruin your life. And by that, he knocked on my husband's front door and introduced himself. And so the divorce moved very quickly. And I mean, I lost everything. So he didn't come clean. You didn't come clean. You got caught. I got caught and then immediately had to come clean. Can't really hide that one. So I had a very smooth divorce. My husband, I think in the equal ways was checked out either he was skeptic the whole time. And so the news wasn't really shocking. Or, you know, now that I've, it's been over a year,

if it's because he also was doing the same thing, there's skeptics everywhere. But it was a very, very smooth divorce. And so I, I moved out, I let him keep everything and I started over. And so I moved out, I let him keep everything and I started over and I lost all my friends. I really, really hurt them with my decisions and choices I made. So living on my own, working two jobs, I never wanted to make this mistake again. And so I knew that I had to do a lot of self-reflection and rewiring. And so I went into therapy. I'm still in therapy.

And a big chunk of that was trying to figure out why I need validation. And why do I seek validation? And what do I need moving forward? And so when I met my fiance, I was very adamant to be like, intimacy is really important to me, and validation, and what my love language looks like. And so I can work through these horrible decisions that I made and kind of not put myself in that position again. It's still a work in progress. But how so? I still struggle a lot when it comes to just things that I think a lot of women seek when it comes to validation because of our body dysmorphia or because of the things that we struggle with. You look for someone else to say, no, you're great.

You're beautiful. And I found that in men and re-guiding my focus of being like going to my fiance and being like, I need this right now. Like, this is what I'm struggling with. I need validation. You know, I need intimacy. And so that helps, but I still have weak moments and not saying that I act on them. I've never acted on them, but just being aware of like, Danielle, this is like a really weak moment for you. Don't give your attention. Like when a guy asks for your phone number, it's your reason to give it to you. Okay. You just have weak moments.

Well, I mean, you're a human being. Yeah. So, I mean, that's, but what you're describing is literally all the difference in the world. Yeah. Like love isn't, you know, I certainly like to think that, especially as she's in her third trimester, that my fiance has only eyes for me and she you know makes me feel good about how she loves me and i've always felt her love but i'm not under any sort of delusion that um she wouldn't feel or appreciate being hit on you know or or flattered

if some guy asked for her number or maybe in some cases tempted i don't know like especially if let's say you know fast forward a couple years life comes at us fast we have a couple kids it's easy for us to take each other for granted we we got a little disconnected yada yada i'm not under any illusions that the only reason that I have nothing to worry about or that I shouldn't worry about whether Natalie steps out on me or not is because that she doesn't have, as you describe them, weak moments. We all have weak moments. The difference between people who have affairs and don't have

affairs is because some people are able to work through those weak moments, not act on those weak moments, and they are able to consistently do that because of what they've put into their other relationships. You have a past of not doing that. And so I guess what I'm saying in judging yourself for still like for now being in a relationship and then having a guy come up to you and ask for your number and having that feel good and wondering what it would be like to give you his number isn't that big of a deal. What's a big deal is that you said no. Now, I hope that you're not keeping this number and potting over this number and fantasizing this number. And like, you know, you know what I'm saying?

Am I making sense? You know, so there's just no point in beating yourself up and having shame. You know, obviously I'm getting the impression you've had a lot of shame come your way since the revelation of your affair and beating yourself up doesn't get you anywhere. And beating yourself up doesn't get you anywhere. What I'm very happy to hear is that you're in therapy, that you're still in therapy and you're actively aware of your weaknesses and your bad habits and you are able to identify now. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the past, did you even have that thought when you were tempted or did you just react like in those moments of that you get so caught up in the dopamine and the endorphins that like the guilt hits after and then by then you're like i just want to go away and you get caught up in it again and you just keep acting out um so yeah but but what are you doing now what do i do now yeah what i do now is i don't need it i don't seek it um i don't i'm. But I'm saying, like before, you described this whole, like, getting caught up in the moment, the endorphins taking over, and you not having the self-discipline and self-control to say, it's not even morals, you felt guilty afterwards. to be in the moment and to say, wait a second, what am I doing? This is like, and be aware that that time doesn't stand still, that after the endorphins pass, it's having the awareness.

It's like, you know, when you're a kid, you just fucking eat sugar and you don't worry about how it's going to make you feel. And when you're an adult, you say shit like, I don't need that. Sometimes we give in, but like a lot of times we're like, I know how I'm going to feel after I eat this shit. So now you are demonstrating that awareness of how these bad choices are going to end up costing you and make you feel in the long run. So that's, that's all positive stuff. Now, what you need to acknowledge, and I think you are, so I hope this is just me saying what you already know, is that like, listen, you're like, you're never going to be a finished

product. If you would have told me, yeah, I was in therapy for six months and made a lot of positive changes and I feel good about it. Like I would be like, Hey, listen, I'm glad, but I'd get back into therapy because I would keep, I would keep exercising this muscle. I would keep checking in with yourself. And if no other thing, a therapist could be someone that you go see on a weekly or semi-weekly or monthly basis to say, hey, how you doing? Have you had those weak moments? Have you been triggered like you were triggered in the past? Have you had moments like this where you felt the temptation? What did you do about it? How did that feel? Just having someone like a phone call away to say, I'm feeling this feeling right now. And you have the self-awareness to like

pause. That's great. And the moment you stop that, like anything else, you're just going to get away from it. And then one day, you know, you're going to be tempted by the wrong person and you're going to backtrack. So it sounds like, you know, good for you. You're doing a lot of good things. You know, you can't go back in time. It sounds like you regret it. It sounds like you learned you're in therapy. Now we have to address the big problem. You got a divorce less than a year ago. So things have moved quickly. No. Well, we started less than over a year ago. Your current divorce. It got finalized. It takes so long. How long have you been dating your boyfriend? My fiance and I have been together for just shy of a year.

Okay. And so me and my husband were... How'd you get engaged? Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead. Well, what prompted the engagement? It was a surprise.

So part of the timeline is that I got divorced and then I was continuing on with my life, got into therapy, working two jobs. So I was not really engaging with anybody, had no friends. So it was about three months and I met my current fiance. And I was really hesitant because I'm like, I just got out of this. I currently have a stalker that's kind of going on. Like this is not the best time. But honestly, it felt so good to meet someone that didn't know my past,

who didn't see or know anything negative about me, and I could kind of start over. And it was really, really good for me. And, you know, I told myself, like, well, eventually, I'm gonna have to tell him, especially with a stalker going on, like, inhibiting our lives like crazy. I was like, No, like, I don't know if this goes anywhere. Like, I don't have enough confidence in myself. I don't feel good about myself. I don't really understand my behaviors yet. Like, I just want to be perfectly placed before I tell him. And I was like, Okay, before we move in, I'll let him know. And it was about six months, we were seeing each other pretty steady. And an apartment opened up that was too good to be true. It was a great duplex.

It was right where we wanted to be. Both our dogs were accepted. And they said, you have a week or we're gonna give to somebody else. And so it was like a quick decision. And I'm like, I'm definitely not ready to tell them now. Why not? And so then I was-

Why definitely? Because I just don't, I wanna be able to go into this discussion, being able to explain myself. And I don't want, I didn't want the excuse to be, well, I just did it because I got caught up in the moment. Or I just did it because we weren't having intimacy for over a year. Like I want to have an understanding of myself before I try to explain it to somebody who isn't me and who wasn't there. Plus being able to handle

rejection. And I do feel like I'm still fragile and loving myself and feeling okay with myself. And so I was like, okay, well, when we get engaged and that hit me as a wonderful surprise. But I was not expecting it. I wasn't prepared for it. So now I'm just like, oh my gosh. So I remember going into my therapy session. I was like, it happened and I wasn't ready. Yeah. Here is clearly, you must've talked about this with your therapist. What did they say? Oh yeah. They, the conversation with me and my therapist is it's, it has to happen. Like, but when does it happen? Is it, is it something that you can wait five years or is that unfair to your partner? Is it, is it your, your, your, your therapist posed that question?

Well, I pose those. She can never give her official opinion, but it's more of, you know, she just always asks, do you feel ready? My therapist gives her opinion all the time. What? Mine's always like, I can't give you. And I can't tell you my opinion. So it's always, how do I feel about it? And she just posed the question last week. Do I feel like I, will I be OK if I never tell him?

Of course not. I know. But the conversation seems so scary and rejection seems so scary. And life's scary. But you're not telling him is you demonstrating. Qualities that led you to the situation you got yourself in. You're making excuses. You are allowing your shortcomings i guess to be valid excuses for

you not wanting to be the person that you say you want to be does that have to be expedited or is that something that can take time what do you mean like telling him or being the person well yeah like being the person you want to be the person i person I want to be, which, again, it's always a working muscle. But, you know. Maybe that's not right now. Maybe that's in a year or two years or in a month where I am that version of I can do this. You can do it. You're choosing not to and you are taking the easier way out and you are avoiding like the possibility of disappointment. and you are avoiding the possibility of disappointment.

Every day that goes by and you don't tell him, you're risking the possibility of violating his trust so much so that it will be hard for him to forgive. And I get it. You're probably thinking, well, what if I just didn't tell him for 10 years? Because in 10 years, he really won't care. We'll have two or three kids by then. He really can't leave. We'll have two or three kids by then. He really can't leave.

We'll be faithful. And now you're thinking about telling him now and you're like, well, it's scary because he barely, I mean, we still have only been dating for a year. Is he going to think, who are you? And he might to a certain extent. Don't you, aren't you tired? Yes. Well, I had more of the question, but I'm glad you asked that.

But aren't you tired of feeling like the people closest to you don't fully accept and love who you actually are? Yes. And don't you want your partner, whoever they are, and your future husband to know that you have flaws and is willing to work with you as long as you are willing to commit to him that he can trust you and that you're willing to work on things, but he still accepts you for the fact that you're not a perfect person and that, yeah, in the past you've done some things you regret and those things have caused you to hurt the people you claim to care about, but you really, really want to not do that again. And at least you can demonstrate some growth and that you've learned and still be accepted by him as opposed to, you know, do you really want to be in a marriage or an engagement with a guy who deep down, you know, doesn't fully understand or even know who you are and therefore can't accept you? Yeah. That's hard. And it's exhausting. And that you're, I mean, I can't counter you. I think it's just when I come

to bat for myself, I want to be able to say, look, this is what I did. These are the steps I took. I kept to these steps. It wasn't just a, I'm going to try therapy and make it look good on my resume. It was a, I continued to work through this and talk about it. How old are you again? Under 31. You're 31. Okay. You're young, maybe not as young as you want to be and i i'm sure you never thought you'd be 31 and in this pickle i'm sure you never thought you'd be divorced but i'm you are still young and in this short time i've had an opportunity to talk to you i've been made aware of three different men who wanted to be in your life so clearly you don't have a hard time meeting men and i don't know what's going to happen in your life. So clearly you don't have a hard time meeting men. And I don't

know what's going to happen with your fiance if you decided to come clean. I'd say there's a pretty decent chance you can work through it. I don't know who he is. I don't know his patience level. I don't know. But people have worked through more. That being said, if he chooses not to want to accept you and be with you, and he does decide to leave you, as crushing as it will be, you'll get through it. You'll survive it. I promise you. And you'll meet someone else. But you're choosing a path that is just going to be more of the same and you're going to continue to feel like you're living a lie and you're going to be stuck in a relationship where you deep down know that your partner doesn't even know who you are and therefore can accept that. And you have gotten yourself into these situations by making excuses for yourself, justifying your actions, saying, you know what, next time I'll do it differently. And taking the easy way out and avoiding conflict out of fear of rejection. And so if you really want to put your money where your mouth is, then you got to tell them.

And there's no better time than the present. It's never die on that Hill. It's never a hundred percent agree with that. That the moment you met Natalie, you laid out all your dirty laundry. You've been, you're engaged to him. I know. I know. That made it, that put a different status on it.

You are. Also, yeah, you've known him for a year. I didn't say that. But when we started making major steps, I mean, yeah, the expectation is that we, if there was a lie there, that it became clean, you know, and if not, you expectation is that we, if there was a lie there that it became clean, you know, and if not, you know, that was an issue. So, but yeah, you even asking me that question is like, that's your ability to justify shit. I know it's my defense mechanism.

It's like me trying to constantly pay this like tug of war in my brain of being scared. It's my fight or flight. So I didn't mean to offend you. You definitely didn't offend me. I just oh but no i know everything you're saying is right and i'm sure if my therapist could give me her professional opinion she'd say do it yesterday i think it's just my survival mode of trying to hold on to any point of feeling like i'm worth it in the sense of like i did a lot of bad stuff and I hurt a lot of bad people. And so didn't your fiance wonder why you didn't have any girlfriends?

No, because I moved out here with my husband at the time and we built our friendships together, like with a lot of couples. Gotcha. And so in a divorce, it's easy when one person takes a side, I'll,

you know, both go. So have you ever apologized to your husband? Yeah, I have. And that's what's hard or weird in the situation is like him and I's relationships really good. We talk, we worked through the whole, the divorce and the debacle and didn't get lawyers involved. Like it was very easy.

It was the friends that were hurt by me that just wanted no relationship. So no, that's not that uncommon um but then there's like these little stings that are always interesting like we were watching love is blind um and it's like the one side story where she was like in the pod and she's like she admitted that she cheated and i forget who she was like in the pod with but he was like disgusted by it um and i remember turning to him and I wanted to gauge like how he was going to handle that. And he's like, that's absolutely disgusting. And I was like, Oh really? And he was just like, yeah, like I couldn't understand it. Like, you know, and I was trying to give a different perspective of like, well, maybe, you know,

at least she came clean and maybe she was struggling with things. He's like, nope, there's no call for it. And so that took me like 20 steps back. Cause I was like, Oh my gosh, now I can't say anything. Um, I mean, that's tough to hear. I'm not going to lie to you, but, uh, it scares you. But then most recently it was the weekend of our engagement. It's literally a day after. And this has been spiraling in my head of like, I have to say something like, what am I going to do it? And we're watching love actually.

And there's that whole side scene of the girl having an affair and or he the guy was and I was like super tensed up and we almost made it through the whole story of him not saying anything and then finally he ends it with I will never understand why somebody does that I like lost my breath I was like like I so it's not that it's just there's these little hills that I hit every so often that I like think I can do it. And then I get hit with that and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm, I hear you. But I can tell you that, I mean, if you've never cheated, you're going to, you're going to think that, but there are people who are capable of, of forgiving what you did, you know? And at the end of the day,

you're just going to have to find someone who's willing to accept you for who you are, you know? Yeah. And this hopefully will be an opportunity to see how strong this relationship is. I mean, listen, you're engaged to this guy. And unless you want to get divorced a second time, you should probably just be pretty clear with each other about who each other's are and their willingness to work with you on who you are. the past by dating someone who has a non-negotiable about anyone who's ever cheated in the past and

refuses to accept the fact that maybe they could work on themselves and do that. He's not your guy, if that's the case. He is a guy, and I'm sure he probably swooped in and felt like a savior in a lot of ways. You lost your husband, you lost your lover, you lost your friends, and here is this guy who just thought you were wonderful. And you could kind of forget that other world or other life that you had, but you got to face the music. And I say that as a positive thing. You're only 31 years old. But like the longer you keep doing the shit that got you into trouble, the worse you're going to make it. Give him an opportunity to say, you know, to empathize with how you're feeling and be upset and distance himself. Because he is. You're going to have to give him space to react.

You're going to have to give him space to say, I just, I need, I don't know how to think right now. I'm caught off guard. I'm a little shocked. I feel lied to. You're going to have to fucking put up with that. And you're going to have to deal with him saying that. And you're going to have to give him space. And you're going to have to be scared.

And you're going to have to be afraid that he's going to leave. Because I doubt he's going to be like, you know what? No big deal. You fucked up, you know, like you, you did. I wish you had a therapist that. Did you give their opinion? Well, I mean, come on. Like at a minimum, be like, fucking tell them.

Yeah. I even asked somebody else. I was like, is that, is that normal? And they're like, yeah, my therapist does that too. Like, doesn't he have an opinion? I was like, okay. To a certain degree. I don't know.

Anyways, we don't have to discuss like. Yeah, I know. That's fine. I don't know. Anyways, we don't have to discuss like. Yeah, I know. That's fine. I think you need to tell him. And I can't promise you how he's going to react. I just honestly think that even if he leaves you, it's for the best. Well, don't color me surprised. What?

I said, don't color me surprised. I knew you were going to say that. I knew. I knew. I knew. I mean, it's because I know I seek down. That's what I need to do. Yeah.

You're the one who wrote in. You're the one who called in. I know. Cause it was just like this idea that is it okay to wait? Is it okay to work on yourself? You know, maybe it was that last glimmer of hope of like, yeah, it's okay. Take your time. Like wait until you're ready.

Um, you're every day that you don't tell him you're lying. You're lying to him and that's how he's gonna feel you're right so how do we tell him is this an active situation i talking to my therapist it was we talked about having him come in in a space that i felt comfortable there's that i would like for her to be, her, is it her or him? Her. Is she also a couple therapist? Yes. Would he go? Yeah,

that's kind of how. I mean, I don't know. Would he go? I don't know. Like, I have mixed feelings about that because it's like,

kind of almost could feel like a setup. I don't, I don't have, I guess I could see that. 50-50. I do think, hopefully, he would be willing to go with you

into therapy, for sure. Oh, 100%. Yeah, I think, why I put it that way, you into therapy for sure. Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. I think why I put it that way, it's like, because I can't back out now. We are in the car driving to my therapy appointment.

Like, I'm so afraid, as you can see, I like to make a lot of excuses and I would be afraid if I tell myself, okay, tonight's the night I would find the 10 reasons not to. So I'm there. It's like, well, okay. I need, you know, do you not agree with that just fucking tell him oh okay nick i will just tell him i i just saying like i just every time you convince yourself not to tell him if i'm him that's another reason to be scared not to stay in this relationship with you well we have a 12 hour road trip on Friday. So you're going to do it so you can't leave. Actually, when this podcast plays, I will.

No, I guess I never imagined it outside of what I just told you. When you tell him, you just got to come clean and not make excuses. And you just say, I'm really ashamed. And I should have told you. I can try to explain to you my thought process, but it's just going to come across as excuses. I should have just told you, but I was scared. I was pretty fucked up. Again, not an excuse. You know, I've been working hard on myself. And the reason I'm telling you now is because like, I care about us. I care about this relationship. Regardless of what you decide to do based off of what I'm telling you, like I'm committed to not allowing myself to be a victim of my own weaknesses or insecurities. And I'm going to keep working on myself, but like, I, and I'm really, really sorry that I, things got carried away and I just thought I was scared you were going to leave me. And I'm really, really sorry that things got carried away. And I just thought I was scared you were going to leave me. And then you got to work it out with him and see what he says.

But you can't get mad at him for getting mad. And you can't make him feel bad for getting mad. And you can't be like, I knew you would do this. And that's why I wasn't going to tell you because he got mad. You can't do that. You just have to kind of take your punishment and just say, hey, listen, like I'm and empathize with him. You have every, I understand why you're upset and I am sorry. And this is why I'm telling you. And I'm really, really hoping and praying that over time you'll be able to forgive me and that you'd be willing to join me in couples therapy and get a kind of a glimpse

as what I've been doing to work on myself. And I want to have a much better relationship with you, but I want to know who you're marrying. And I've made some bad decisions in the past and I want you to accept me for who I am. And I'm really, really sorry I didn't give you an opportunity to do that up until this point.

And you could say, listen, yeah, there were a couple of times I tried to tell you, it's not an excuse, but obviously you were very clear how you felt about that. And I understand, I feel the same way, but that just made me more scared. And again, not an excuse. I'm sorry. And if he's like, well, I can understand why you did that and be like, I, you know, if you were wanting to go to therapy with me, like I can try to explain it to you. I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, but like, just know that like, yeah, I made some fucked up decisions that I'm really like disappointed in myself. And you know, like, unfortunately, you're not the only one who cheats, you know, not to make it feel better, but like it's you

and like half the fucking population and relationships. So like, I promise you, regardless of how it ends up, that two or three years from now, if you really are dedicated to being a better person and you actually want to hold yourself accountable and you come clean, no matter what he decides, you will be happy you did. And you telling him and coming clean now and stop making excuses for doing the right thing, that will help you get to where you want to be. And if you don't do what I'm suggesting, you are putting yourself at risk of never actually being the person you want to be.

As I say a lot of times, you can ruin your life by your choices. We all act like it's all going to work out and that everything happens for a reason. That's just why we tell ourselves bullshit things like everything happens for a reason. That's just why we tell ourselves bullshit things like everything happens for a reason, because it's really scary to realize that we can make choices that are wrong and it could fuck our shit up. And people do it every day. People make poor decisions and get bad advice from the wrong people and their timing's off and

they miscalculate decisions and, or they don't work on themselves and they make decisions and it literally fucks up their life and they never recover from it thankfully for you despite you having made decisions that have certainly fucked up your life you've recovered marvelously so much of the fact that you were able to meet another man and get engaged and you have this beautiful christmas tree in the background you're well dressed you know like things could be worse and you have this beautiful Christmas tree in the background and you're well-dressed. Things could be worse. But until you actually do, you follow

through with this, eventually it's going to get to the point where you won't be able to recover. And you are still dealing with a pretty full deck of cards. You've lost a lot. I get it. But you still have a lot to work with. And you still have an opportunity

to do the right thing. And the choice is yours. You're right. I don't even know what to say. I mean, you're right. You're completely right. Shit. Should I give you an update?

Yeah, I'd love one. I mean, just go out in public and find someone who's like in their 50s or 60s who looks fucking miserable. And look at that person and be like, they probably made some fucking decisions really fucked their shit up and now they're 50 or 60. Those are the movies though where they're like on their bed dying and they whisper in their last words

the worst thing they've ever done. Maybe, you know. What movie is that? I don't know, it's like in all the movies. The person's on their deathbed dying and they just say like one last final word. I don't know. It's like in all the movies. You're watching the wrong movies. The person's on their deathbed dying and they just say like one, one last final word. I don't know. Maybe.

But I think you could, you're, you're, you're clearly have a conscience. It's clearly weighing on you. It could get, this could go, this can get a lot better. You just got to have some guts. Okay. When are you going to do it? Do you want, do you want the agenda? I can actually send it all the talking points.

I, you know, I can turn around and I'm not, I can, it's the holidays. It's really hard to do anything during the holidays, but setting that goal of like my new year's resolution, I say by February. February? I wish you don't like it. I get it. You don't like that answer. I knew you weren't going to like it, but it's like right now it's the holidays.

We're around family. I don't want to pinpoint it where it's like right now it's the holidays. We're around family. I don't want to pinpoint it where it's like, now you have to go put a face on for my family. Like, I don't want that type of position for him. But the fact that you think it's going to be as bad as it is. I think it will. Yeah. Sure.

But don't you think that you should listen? Do you want to be with this person? Yes. Okay. Well, every day that goes by, you're risking that. It's that simple. I promise you how he's going to think about it once he finds out is you couldn't tell me. He's going to think about any special moment you shared with him between now and when you tell him is going to feel like a lie.

And you are wasting and risking all those moments. I'm telling you from personal experience. So if you really want to be with this guy, every day that goes by, you reduce your chances because I promise you he's going to think about it. And he's going to think about Christmas with you and New Year's Eve with you and time he had with your family. And when you, and when you lived the lie and he's going to hold it against you. Okay. You'll get through it.

I know. I promise you'll get through it. And honestly, I'd say 70, 80% chance he forgives you. But if he doesn't, this is not a guy who has the patience to be with someone like yourself. You need someone who has the ability to accept who you are. You're right. No, you're right. If I'm going to do it right the second time, I definitely want it with somebody who's going to love me through my. You're right. No, you're right. If I'm going to do it right the second time, like I definitely want it with somebody who's going to love me through my worst. February is way too long away.

I know. All right. Well, I got to go. All right. Well, I know. I think you should tell him before this weekend. I know what you think. I know what you think.

Well, the car ride is this Friday. Oh, there. There you go. 12 hours. Just come clean. You know, honestly, maybe the car ride is this Friday. Oh, there, there you go. Just come clean. You know, honestly, maybe the car rides is good as the place as any, he is going to be stuck having to deal with this truth and you can talk about it, but you got to remain calm and do not make yourself the victim. Never. No, I think that's my problem. I think I'm going to destroy myself and like,

that's really not, not, I know I'm not playing the, I think it's just like, I feel so bad for what I did that it's going to be very hard to reopen all those wounds that like, I felt like I finally am like about, like, I feel good about myself again. I think just that fear, but I know you have to go, but I think it's just that it's like, you'll get through it. I know. Well, I can always jump out of the car. No, you won't stop shaming yourself. You listen, you, you, you, you've done a lot of hard work on yourself and you should pat yourself on the back for the work you've done. And the fact that you can get yourself in situations where you feel the temptation and you're mindful of that temptation, instead of indulging that temptation,

you use the tools that you've learned in therapy to like not act on it. That's amazing. Keep doing that. And that's something you should be proud of. But now you have to take the next step in your healing process and stop making excuses for why you haven't been fully honest with your current partner and face the music. This won't be the last time you two have a tough conversation. So if you can't have this conversation with your fiance, you have no business getting married. You're right. Everything else, you're just living a fantasy. And you've already done that.

And where did that get you? Cool. You're right. You're right. All right. Good luck. I'll be, I'm rooting for you. I really, I really hope this is a pivotal moment in your life.

Yes, it is. But you can do it. I promise. No, I'm going to throw up. No, you're not. No, you're right. You're fine. Just stop psyching yourself out.

I'll be momentous. You can do this. I can do this. No, you got me good. Like, you're not. No, you're right. You'll be fine. Just stop psyching yourself out. I'll be home in 10. You can do this. I can do this. No, you got me good. You got me in the mindset of doing it. That's more than I've been in the past. He's going to get mad. It'll be fine.

He's a big boy. He'll live. All right. Stay tuned. All right. We'll keep it. Good luck. I guess we stay on for 10 more minutes.

It'll be right through the front door. That's all right. We got to get going. I know. All right. Take care. Keep us posted. All right. Thanks, Nick. Yeah. Bye-bye. door that's all right we gotta get going i know all right take care keep us posted all right

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That's shopify.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Hi, I'm Maggie. I'm 25. I have my first crush on a girl, and she just happens to be my coworker. Okay. So in your words, I'm just curious, like what, I mean, I heard the problem, but like what, give me more, give me more information.

Okay. I started this new job in August and when I first met her, I realized that I kind of liked her and I had feelings for her. And this is the first person I've had feelings for in a very, very long time. And so the fact that it was a girl was a little like shocking and surprising to me. And I'm just kind of trying to see what I should do moving forward. Basically, at this point, we have been talking in person and texting occasionally. I did tell her that I liked her back in October. And she told me that she wasn't looking for anything serious, but she thought I was really cool and was open to still getting to know me. Ever since then- Does she date women?

into still getting to know me ever since does she date women for yes she does okay that is confirmed okay yes um so since then she's told me like that i'm pretty that i'm cute she compliments my outfits um we've hung out outside of work outside of work events one time one-on-one we went to dinner together and she walked me to my car and opened the car door for me. And I tried to hang out with her again another time, but I got rejected because she said she was too busy getting ready for a wedding the next day. And so after that, I told her that the ball was in her court. Now we haven't hung out since then. And tomorrow is our staff holiday party, which is notorious for people kind of going crazy and wild. So I was trying to figure out if I should try and make a move at this holiday party or where I should go from here.

Okay. All right. Interesting. You're a teacher? Yes. You guys get wild at holiday parties? This is like a thing? Yes.

You know, we work hard, party harder. So, yeah. All right. All right. No, I don't think you should make the first move. Okay. It sounds like you've been very clear with her that you like her. Yes.

On multiple occasions, you have put yourself out there. You've even said to her that the ball is in her court so in a way that's kind of a boundary hey you've decided again the boundaries for yourself you saying the ball is in your court on some level is your subconscious telling you i've put myself out there plenty of times. I made it clear so many times, almost to the point of, have I done it too much? And your subconscious finally said, hey, let's shut it down. So you communicated the boundary you set with yourself to her by saying, balls in your court. And for you to flirt with her, ask her out, tell her she's pretty, make a move, as you said, it would be

you not respecting your own boundary. And when we don't respect your own boundaries, especially the ones we communicate with people, people take us less and less serious and you want her to take you seriously. And nothing is more attractive to anyone than seeing someone who doesn't need us, who might have moved on, or is desirable by other people, or just even not desirable, but just not obsessed with us or over it. Nothing will make her like you more than thinking that you're not interested anymore. If you go to this Christmas party, get a little tipsy, and start flirting with her, I don't know, maybe you guys will like hook up that night. I don't know. It's possible. But it's also possible that she just says, yep, I could still have her when I want her.

And I'm not going to do that here. Okay. So what happens if she approaches me and starts flirting with me? Minus the whole like, this is a fun, juicy like just pragmatically is it as do you think it's smart to like hook up with your co-worker at a christmas party i will say my school has a very unique situation where we're all very young and a lot of people at my school do date slash talk there's a lot of people who have started marriages from being at the school. So it wouldn't be the most abnormal thing. Gotcha. What a school. Yes. I mean, listen, right now she has all the power, you know, minus the fact that like you've never, you've never been with a woman, correct? No. It might be, you know, I don't very nerve,

I don't know, nerve-wracking. It would make sense if you got nervous and unsure and a little timid. Those would all be valid feelings and responses that you could have. And is she used to dating women? She's been with other women? So already there,

there's a power dynamic that's not equal. She's got, simply based off of experience alone, she is in a power position over you. There's something to consider. Okay. Okay. And another thing to consider is how much you've put yourself out there and made it clear to her how you feel about her.

And so for another different reason, she's in a position of power over you. The more kind of examples of her being in a position of power over you the more kind of examples of her being in a position of power over you it's just the less interesting you are to her and it's just this is like human nature okay if you're looking for a fun christmas party and you're not thinking past the fun you want to have at a christmas party then do whatever the fuck you want because your if your goal is to just have the most fun christmas party of all time then you know yolo but if you want to maybe see where this goes and be open to the possibilities and you want to shift the power dynamic where it's a little more equal and less weighted so much in her court then i think

you playing pretty hard to get at this christmas party would go a long way okay no that makes sense i just feel like i probably should play hard to get because i definitely am not good at doing that at the moment now to do that for you is not being like rude or dismissive, you know, but what you need to do is just be very social with everyone else. Your job at this Christmas party is to just be a social butterfly, getting conversations, you know, and so that way you're not actively ignoring her. You're just preoccupied with other people. Let her jump in and be like, what are you guys talking about? Like you be the social butterfly with everyone else. And you're not watching her. You're not wondering what she's doing. You know,

that's not you playing hard to get, you know, you, you being a wallflower and ignoring her is not being hard to get. She'll be, it'll be obvious what you're doing. Yeah. So you need to immerse yourself into the Christmas party and whatever, if people are on the dance floor dancing, you're on the dance floor dancing. If people are out there having a ball, you're having a ball with all these other people. And if she wants to join in, great. You can be friendly too, but never focus your sole attention on her at any point in the night. Okay. That makes sense. And so after the Christmas party, what should I do moving forward?

I think if she gets a little tipsy or at any point she starts flirting with you, let's say if she even goes in for like a kiss, I think you pull away and you say, you need to ask me on a date first if you want a kiss or something like that. If she wants to make a move, you at that party say, if you want that, you need to do this. That's you inserting your power. That's you saying no to her. Right now, she doesn't think for a second you're ever going to say no. She's saying no to you. You're asking her to go out.

You need to shift the narrative. So you need to be able to say no to her. And you can do it in a very fun and flirty way, but it's still saying no. It's still letting her know that she can't have you whenever for free without her having to do something for you. Okay. Should I use the word on a date even if she says she's not looking for a relationship? Well, then you could be like, that's fine. No problem. If she says like, oh, well, I'm not looking for a relationship. You'd be like, okay, well, I'm not looking for a kiss. Okay. be like, okay, well, I'm not looking for a kiss. Okay.

Sounds good. Yeah. Listen, you're right. Because, and expect that, right? She is used to,

people don't give up power easily. And it's not like we're all Machiavellian trying to like, oh, obsessed with power, but our subconscious hangs on. We like feeling in control. And when people take control from us, we respond.

And so you say, well, no, I want you to take on a date. She might fight back that she'll push back. Well, I don't want this. That will be her. That's you saying, nope, I'm going to take my power back. And her response to saying, well, I'm not looking for a relationship right now, is her trying to take that power right back from you. Okay.

And in that moment, you got to decide whether you're going to let her take that power back or you're going to stand your ground and say, all right, no problem. But this is what I want. Yeah. No, I know you're right. It's going to be easier said than done, but I'll try and stay strong. Well, it's not that hard. It really isn't. Then you have to ask yourself, what do I want? Because at the end of the day, you know, for all the people who have called in about situationships or stuff like this, like this has, this has situationship written all over it. And nine times out of 10 for all, you know, and listen, the people we get stuck in situationships with, it's very easy for us to gripe about them. And for me to say, well, they don't deserve you and they're selfish and they're only hanging out with you at their convenience. And all those things can be true,

but it's your choice, you know, because I'm talking to you right now and I'm asking you, what do you want out of this? And again, if you would just want to have the most fun Christmas party, go nuts. But if you want to see if there's potential with this person, if you want to take your power back, if your goal is to do those things, then you have choices and you have options and it's going to come down to how bad you want it. And if you give in, then you have no one to blame but yourself. And sure, down the road, if we didn't talk today, you could have called in. Let's say we didn't talk today. Let's say you went to this Christmas party and you both got a little tipsy and you made out or maybe even hooked up or whatever. And that was the beginning of a situationship. And then she would say, well, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. But every once in a while, she would tell you you look cute or ask you out and she'd

come over, you're Netflix and chill. And then your netflix and chill and then nine months go by but now nine months go by and you're you know you've caught feelings and you care about her but she's still being dismissive and she's gone on other dates and now you're kind of like fuck her she's really hurt me you know and then you would call in nine months from now and then you'd be like i'm in the situation ship and then i would say well she's been selfish she's this and then I would say, well, she's been selfish. She's this. And then she becomes like the, the, the shitty person and you're the victim, you know? But in reality, you have the choice, you know? And right now, like, you know, you're like, oh, well, we'll see. Easier said than done. You gave me a little twinkle in your eye. Like, I don't know. And listen, you're going to get off the phone with me here and I will forget about this call and i'm not gonna tomorrow when this christmas

party is tomorrow tonight yeah i'm not gonna i'm not gonna be like oh i wonder what that girl's doing you know at the christmas party it'll be up to you i'm not i don't care but the choice is yours and you are more than capable of doing what i'm suggesting you should do it's just the slightest amount of willpower you can definitely do it and have fun with it. You'll get a rush knowing that you took some of your power back. Practice that. That's true. Don't be this victim that you're so desperate for her validation or for a little kiss or just because you can have the time of your life tomorrow without her. If she calls in sick, if tomorrow morning she wakes up and takes a COVID

test and it comes out positive and she can't go, you can still have the time of your life. It's just a matter of you deciding to. Also, let's say she texts you, I got COVID, can't go. You also could decide that it's not worth going. It's your choice. How do you look at a situation? How do you approach it? Do you decide beforehand that anything's possible, including all the fun, or you decide it's not going to be fun because she's not going to be there? And whatever you decide going in is usually what's going to happen. Yeah, that's so true. I think I'm definitely going regardless if she is there or not, because I do have a lot of friends at the school. No, I assume you would, but I'm just saying your attitude

about how that night's going to turn out will play a big role in how it does turn out. So what I'm saying is if you go into this night telling yourself how hard it's going to be to stand your ground and enforce whatever boundaries you decide to set with yourself, then it will be hard. But if you tell yourself, I can have fun without her. I can have fun with all my friends. I can play hard to get with her.

I'm not that desperate to like get her validation. Then it won't be that hard. Okay. And if you decide that what you want out of this relationship with her is something more longterm rather than just be a potential hookup or fuck buddy or situationship or someone who just kind of fucks with you for the next six months. You can do that. That's true.

You're right. This is why I wanted to call you. Okay. Well, good luck. Thank you. We'd love an update. Okay. I definitely will send an email about how it goes.

All right. Well, next week, Monday morning, I'm expecting an update on how the Christmas party went. Okay. Definitely. I can do that. All right. I'll let you know. I appreciate it.

I will go into it planning to stand my ground and to have fun. All right. You can do it. And standing your ground should be fun. You're right. Okay. Thank you. All right.

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Hi, how's it going hi how's it going i'm alissa i'm 28 and despite being outgoing and independent i just cannot connect with anybody on a date okay why do you think just being outgoing and did you say independent yes um why do you feel like that is something that should ensure you to make a connection as opposed to someone who's maybe slightly more introverted and I guess dependent? Sure. So outgoing, I feel like I can connect with, you know, anyone. I could talk to a wall and make it my friend, which I'm really good at. I've plenty of friends, just too many, but, you know, connecting with somebody on a deeper level and trying to be more than friends just never really pans out. Unfortunately. I think the independence piece comes in, you know, in just the fact that I

don't necessarily need a man. It's me wanting one. So I think that makes a difference as well. But correct me if I'm wrong. That's why I'm here. So are there particular dates that you've had where you felt like a connection was happening, but you didn't feel like it was reciprocated? So little background. I've been single for five years and my last relationship was eight years long. We basically grew up together. How old are you again?

I'm 28. Okay. So to put it in perspective, I was 15 when I started dating this person. We broke up when I was 23. So those are from very formative years. What have you been doing between now and then? You've been going on dates, I assuming nick i've gone on three dates three dates three dates well that's a that's a you choice right like is it though i mean i'm assuming like i've only met you through a zoom you seem like a very you know a lovely person you don't seem to have any like jump scare things that would stop someone. Thank you for that. That makes me feel great. We live in a world where we have an abundance of options. There's limitless dating apps,

there's social media. If you wanted to go on a date with someone, you could. Now, I'm assuming that you have certain standards and maybe you're a little picky and that you're not willing to go on a date with just anyone. But I'm simply saying, you having gone on three dates in the past five years is a you choice. And it's not because you can't find people to go on dates with you. You might not be able to find people to go on dates that you want to go on dates with. But that's a whole different conversation. And I think that's important for you to recognize because three dates in five years for someone who's... No, it's not pitiful. So you got to change that narrative.

It's a choice that you're making. And I think you need to reflect on your choices that you're making. Because it's not pitiful. It's just drastic. Right. And I know that I'm not going to go on a date with just anyone because I do. You're correct. I have very high standards.

I do know what I want because I've done a lot of reflecting. I've done the self-work and therapy. But you've only been on three dates. Yeah. So you're not getting to even to know anyone. so you're not getting to even to know anyone so i mean i have been approached and asked on several dates and where i'm not gonna i'm just not gonna do it because i know that that person is not for me because i know them because like they're two five nine or so five nine like you can't it sounds so stupid but it's just, that's not what I'm attracted to.

No, I hear you. But I just, to connect with people, you have to meet them. You have to be willing to get to know them. You have to be vulnerable with them and hope that they're vulnerable with you. That's how you make a connection. You've only been willing to do that with three people in five years. Yeah. I live in a smaller city. So meeting people here is difficult because they're all who I grew up with. Okay. How close is the biggest city? Far. New York City would probably be the biggest major city. How far is New York from you? And that's six hours away. Six hours from... Okay. And how small are we talking here?

Like a Buffalo. Buffalo is not that small. six hours away six hours from it okay yeah how small are we talking here like a buffalo buffalo's not that small you're right it's not like super super small it's a little bit smaller than buffalo but not like anything new york city no i get that new york's the biggest city in the world i know you get what i'm saying though like it's very and like everybody in my age bracket has fled this date within the last you know three years yeah okay well it's not like this is not an appealing place to live if i'm fully honest i love it what are your parameters what are your parameters for selecting a date i actually wrote that down i have notes i came prepared great i'm not surprised basically what i'm looking for is obviously

somebody i'm physically attracted to because i find that that's very important um i think that i want to know them at a level where prior to the day that i know that they're like driven you know not just looking for a hookup because that's, I'm not going to waste my time by just doing that. I think that's silly. How are you able to figure this all out before meeting someone? Well, that's the thing. I don't necessarily go on a date with a stranger. That's never even been approached to me. Like a stranger in a bar has never come up to me and say, Hey, I want to take you out to dinner. Fair enough. I mean, that's just, what about, are you on dating apps? It's horrendous. Yes. I've never gone on out to dinner. Fair enough. I mean, that's just, what about, are you on dating apps? It's horrendous, yes.

I've never gone on a date from a dating app. Okay. And when you say horrendous, I mean, I'm not, I believe you. I've, you know, I've heard this story. Like, it's insulting who matches with me, or not even match, just likes me. It sounds so terrible to say that,

but, like, it's not good. Have you expanded your search to Buffalo? Yes. I am in like the 90 mile radius, something I'm comfortable doing. Cause what am I going to do? Go, you know,

I'm not going to date somebody three hours away. I mean, why not? I don't know. My Natalie who lived in Savannah, Georgia, when I met her, I wasn't trying to date people in Savannah,

Georgia, but I'm just saying it's possible. I get that. I i get that i totally get that and i would be like i feel like i would be willing to do long distance because every guy that i have connected with and liked has has not lived here um but i feel like that is a drawback on their end rather than mine what do you mean like i would be willing to pursue it further if they were willing to as well but i feel like the proximity just doesn't work people don't like doing long distance which no one no one no one says you know what i want to do is long distance we know this all right yeah

but like we're just reverse like we're just reverse engineering your dating life right now. And what I've quickly gathered is that you have a lot of limitations in terms of prospects. You're limited with your options. And your limitations are mostly around choices you're making. Now, those choices are where you live. And those choices could be the age range at which you date. Those choices could be what they look like which you date those choices could be you know what they look like your willingness to do long distance you know all these things and the fact that you've only been on three dates in five years tells me if you are frustrated with your

lack of dates you have to make different choices yeah it's it's that simple you know so i don't know what those choices are but you you do have some options and you know some of those options are more radical than others you moving would be an option doesn't sound like you want to move you know but i'm just i'm just pointing out that yeah no i got it you have to make some changes because what you have been doing isn't working, which is why you called it. And more than anything, you need to start going on more dates and you need to start getting to know some people. And I don't care how you do it,

but you got to figure out a way to do it. And you can get to know people if you listen to the show through like Zoom dates and things like that. If you happen to meet with a match with someone who does live in New York or Buffalo or your hometown, or I don't know, but you know, you, you got, you have to start making some different choices because otherwise you, you just kind of sitting around in your

small town complaining about, you know, all the, uh, the ugly guys, I guess you're being, you make me sound so shallow i swear i'm not like that i mean it is what it is you know like i don't know i i had or have standards too you know i but i was i was willing to be patient you know yeah i mean i feel like i've been patient as well and i know that prince charming isn't going to come knock on my front door. I do, you know, all the right things in terms of going out and like making myself visible, I guess, in a way. And people know I'm single. I mean, that's a very common, common fact. It just feels like I can't get out of the friend zone with anyone. Even when I've been interested in maybe doing something other than being friends. So let's talk about, yeah. So let's talk about the guys. That's kind of a different topic.

Who are these guys that you can't get out of the friend zone with? So just like people that I've met that are now my friends, and I'm fine with that. But like in years past when I first met them, I'm like, oh, maybe this is a good prospect for dating them. And it just never got there. And, you know, it hasn't gotten there since i guess but what do you mean by that like you the way you when you say well it just hasn't got there you're implying that it was just it was a mutual like instant friendship yes 100 like maybe i saw

it and maybe i didn't go about it the right way um well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. You're the way you're talking to be totally honest with you suggests that you had an interest in them and you were curious about the potential, but you felt like they quickly friend zoned you. Yeah, correct. Okay. Yeah. So I guess. Who are these people?

When I described that scenario, how many different guys pop into your head? Oh, I can think of plenty. How many? Plenty. What's plenty? Five? Twenty? Five. Yeah, five. Oh, definitely five. Okay. And you're still friends with them. So five different guys in the past five

years you met, and at first you were like, hmm, I don't know. Maybe. And then a couple days later it felt like you're like this guy just likes me as a friend 100 and you just kind of accepted that yes okay and what is that wrong like should i have pushed it further like are you lacking friends doesn't sound like it no not at all you, are you still friends with these five guys? Yes. Friends or friendly?

Friends. Definitely friends. And like, what do you like, are you seeing any of them anytime soon? Um, probably actually, um, I plan on being, you know, out and about. It's my birthday actually actually, on Tuesday. So, going to be all weekend. So, you're going to go out. Happy birthday, by the way.

But you're going to go out and you're just assuming you're going to run into them? Well, no. I'm going to invite everybody to a gathering that I'm planning. Gotcha. Yeah. Which, we're at the point in which they would all be invited to that. You know what I mean? That's kind of the level of friendship.

Okay. And what made you think that they just wanted to be your friend at first? Do you know when you can get a vibe from someone and they're just not vibing? That's really it. And there's been a couple where two I can think of in particular where I have outright asked them on a date and they were like, no. Okay. They just said no. You said, sure, but let's be friends anyways? Yeah. What am I going to do?

Just completely exile them out of my life? I liked them enough to ask them on a date. No, I mean, I don't think you exile them. I don't even think you have to be rude and I don't think you have to hate them but i don't think we have to be friends with them really there's a difference between friendly and friends friendly is not being crushed that a guy rejected you good for you for not you know for not being crushed and moving on and and be like yeah no hard feelings cool and then like going about your life and yeah if you run into them, you say hi and you, you're friendly,

but you don't like, you don't say, well, let's still hang out sometime. You don't invite them out for your birthday. You know, you don't immerse yourself in their group of friends. One that I can think of in particular,

definitely in a friendly capacity still, but the other is definitely friends. Like, yeah, I mean, listen, it's like like it's a case by case basis i'm not saying never do it but if you have a habit of becoming friends with all these guys that didn't want to date you that you were interested in that's a problem like you're you're

how do i stop doing that though it's definitely a me problem. Yeah, I mean, I think you be okay with not everyone being your best friend. And you're doing it because, are you a people pleaser? Ish. Okay. Well, I think you like being popular and liked. And I think you like having a lot of friends. I don't know how many close friends you have how many close friends like what's a good amount like like i mean like who's

your ride or fucking dies like how many people do you have or you know i'm kidding but like you know would help you bury a body so to speak i up top of my head i can think at least four so to speak? Top of my head, I can think at least four. Definitely four. Four is a solid number, but you being picky, you only been on three dates. My experience with friends and people I've known who were really, really picky,

and I even include myself in this, but if you're really, really picky, when you do like someone, it increases the chances that you're not your best self around the people you are interested in because you're so used to not being interested to someone and you're so used to dismissing people. For example, the dating apps. Not only are you not matching with people, you're offended by the apps. You're just like, are you kidding me? You're literally going on the apps and you think this little algorithm has you're just like are you kidding me like you're literally going on the

apps and you think this little algorithm has a personal vendetta against you and as if the as if the algorithm is looking at your face and thinking she's only worthy of these types of men and your ego is thinking what the fuck and then every blue moon or once in a while i don't maybe it's never happened but if the algorithm serve you up someone you're like oh shit okay and then you read their bio and you thought it was great and then you're you it's going to be so much pressure you're you're just oh my god i can't fuck this up oh my oh my god fine finally oh my god and then you probably don't even realize how maybe like psychotic you get or like just how on edge you get or do I, and how like, and then overnight you've, you, you might in your head have had this fantasy about like,

like this could be the one and you daydream about your first date. And then like, you know, you start playing house in your head. And we've all done this, you know? Oh yeah. You're hitting the nail on the head with the last person I went on a date on with. So, you know, no one likes that person. That's not a, you know,

it reeks of desperation. You seem like you, it's like you need it too much. Right. And I don't want to give that off. So, despite you being picky with high standards, the people you're interested in don't see you as picky

or having high standards. They see you're interested in don't see you as picky or having high standards. They see you as desperate. Harsh, but I get it. Yeah. I mean, how do you change that, though? Well, the trick is, well, not so much lowering your standards as being a little bit more open-minded. I think that's a different way of looking at it.

And again, back to our original conversation, I do think you need to maybe figure out ways to expand your dating pool. Because I get it. You're in a small town. I understand. When I lived in Milwaukee, I got to a point where I was like, I either dated everyone that I wanted to date or I'm not interested. And I moved to Chicago. you know and i moved i moved to chicago you know and so i'm not telling you have to move but you either have to you have to change your criteria you have to do something somehow somehow yeah you know either over 90 miles move i don't know get on the amp slide into some guy's dms regardless

of where he's at i don't know like yeah you know yeah be creative moving isn't an option for me with like with my career it's just not what do you do well which is why i haven't what do you do otherwise i would have i'm a financial advisor and you can't be a financial advisor in a different place you can but i prefer the face-to-face sitting down with my clients and majority of my book is here. So yeah. And I, earlier in my career, I did ask my boss if I could move and if that would be a possibility. He like egged me on a little bit saying, yeah. And then when it came down to it and I had a plan to do it, he said, no. So I haven't even brought it up again. You're only 28.

I know. The good thing about my career though, is the flexibility. I mean, I make my own schedule. I can travel anytime I go. I travel at least once a month. Um, there you go. Yeah. So that's why I don't mind the long distance situation. If somebody would give me the opportunity to do so, I would. if somebody would give me the opportunity to do so i would so one you gotta either you have to cut back on the apps or you have to be mindful of your perspective when you're on the apps like there's no little elf behind the algorithm that has a personal like that's looking at your face and thinking this is what she's worthy of yeah they're To be fully honest, I don't look at the apps as my number one resource.

No, I know. But I'm just saying when you are on the apps, it's not just you. Like, that's the downside of the dating apps of which there are many

is that it is, it usually just triggers your ego. It's a validation tool, you know? Yeah. And every time that you swipe right on people you like who don't swipe back on you

you feel rejected even though you've never met these people in your life you don't even know if they're fucking real for all you know it's a fucking catfish yeah exactly and then you get served of a bunch of people you don't like and you take it personally and you're again your ego is triggered right so yeah you can meet people on dating apps, but if you find yourself getting frustrated, you just got to be somewhat creative. But I do think you need to go on some dates, even with people that you don't think are going to be your person. And you need to practice getting to know people and you need to practice going out and just having a date with someone, even if it doesn't go anywhere, because you've been on three dates. And then when you go on dates with people you're interested in,

you psych yourself out and you kind of reek of desperation. Yeah, I guess I need to just expand my horizons in every capacity. I just like, the one thing I don't really want to do is waste somebody else's time as well as my own by dating them and me knowing it's not going to go anywhere. Well, maybe just stop knowing before you know someone. True. Yeah.

Stop predetermining the result of a date on both directions because the whole like you you being desperate is you deciding that this is your that you're going to like them. You getting excited about someone you've never met, regardless of what they look like or what their job is or what their profile is saying is you deciding the outcome. And that outcome is that you're going to like them. You've never met them. outcome and that outcome is that you're going to like them you've never met them you have no idea who they are or what their character is or how they're going to treat you in a relationship or whether they're a reactive person or if they have some sort of past childhood traumas that they haven't dealt with you know you have no idea and yet just you know you are deciding to like a handful of men based off of very little information and then, you know, psyching yourself out thinking I have to get them to like me. Yeah.

Well, that's why I don't like the apps in general is because of that specifically. But even if you meet a guy at a grocery store who, you know, six one has a good head of hair and you think is charming and ask you out, you're like oh my god fuck yes finally finally what yeah great you find them attractive but you have a lot to learn about them right on the flip side you know you might meet someone who like maybe at first

glance it doesn't blow your mind in the looks department but maybe you find them to be like kind of you know handsome or like whatever but like get to know them and be open minded. I don't know. I think you need to practice predetermining how you feel about people before you get to know them. Yeah, I totally agree. And I didn't even think about it like that. Like I basically jumping to conclusions every single time I speak to a man, if I'm going to like them as either a friend or more or not at all. Yeah.

Which needs to stop. So you need to expand your horizons and then stop predetermining how you feel about everyone before you get to know them. Right. Right. Maybe. I mean, you're only 28. You know, it feels old. Sure.

But it's not. Have you not like hooked up with someone in five years oh no i i have you have okay no i don't i'm not worried i don't care there's no wrong answer i'm not sitting on the line like oh please i hope you're getting fucked you know like it's been a bit more few and far between these days but but the guys that The guys that you are hooking up with, what does that interaction look like? How does, you know, are these people you're meeting when you are traveling? What's that look like?

Yeah. Usually when I travel, um, and that's, it's usually, it sounds so bad. Thank God I'm anonymous. Um, usually like a one night stand or if I go back to that city, like I'll hit them up. Um, So that maybe next time you meet someone on a trip that you like, let's not have sex with them right away. I know I have a problem with that. Well, that's why you called.

So identify your problems, you know, like, you know, yes, because you getting on a plane to visit a friend and going on a night out at a bar and then hooking up, you know, and then meeting a guy you think is cute and how you have a couple drinks, you think he's charming. You're like, well, fuck it. Like, I'm not going to see, you know, I don't live in the same city. So let's just go back to your place and fuck. You've already decided.

That's you deciding by going to his place and having sex because it's long distance that he's not potential. Again, another example of you deciding the outcome and predetermining how that relationship is going to go without giving it a chance to get to know them or your compatibility. And yeah, like if you're going to hook up with a guy in a one night stand, it drastically reduces your chances of getting to know him. Because most of the time when a guy has sex with a girl who's estranged to them, once

they have sex, you know, they're pretty much good to go you know so yeah i mean i get that i feel that way a lot of the time as well like that kind of that male mindset i mean it's your mindset too yeah i mean of being done with them after like cool see ya never hopefully like i don't know so next time you meet a guy that you're interested in get to know him and stop yeah don't worry about tomorrow don't worry about that he lives in a different city be the mysterious girl who you know like oh where you're from oh i live in wherever the fuck oh why are you here i'm just visiting my friend and have him be disappointed that you don't live there but yeah be like well you know i'm here now and then you could say i'm here now he's

gonna be like oh she wants to fuck but like you know like no and you said you're fun and outgoing be the fun outgoing mysterious girl you know you can be fun outgoing but still my yes is also that you're you're not mysterious at all with guys that you like no not typically yeah you need to be more mysterious with guys that you like i am like like an actual open book. Um, it's just definitely personality. Love that you're an open book, you know, that's not what I'm saying, but you don't have to like give all the information about who you are and, you know, that you're willing to have sex with them and date on night one. Like you, you literally are showing them all the cards.

You'll even take your clothes off, you know? Right. And that's not very mysterious, you know? Yeah. Especially if these are friends and you might come back, you know, like, well, I don't, you know, I come here a lot, you know, whatever. Make a guy interested in learning more about you. That's how you get a guy's interest by making him think about you when you're not there. interest by making him think about you when you're not there. That's how guys fall in love, you know, by wondering about you, by being curious about you, by you dripping some information about yourself and then making them ask more questions because they want to know more. Not every guy is going to be receptive to that. Not every guy is going to want to know more, but that is not the moment where you say, oh, I see him pulling away because like I'm giving him the vibe that I'm going to know more. But that is not the moment where you say, oh, I see him pulling away because I'm giving

him the vibe that I'm not going to fuck him tonight. Oh, so I'm going to fuck him because he's pulling away. That's you setting a boundary with yourself and saying, I'm going to practice. My goal tonight isn't hooking up with someone. My goal tonight is going out and being friendly and seeing what happens. And if I meet a guy that I find to be cute and interesting, I'm going to explore that, but I'm going to still make him get to know me. And if he's not interested in getting to know me, I'm not going to use sex as a backup plan to keep him interested for a night. Yeah. Because that obviously doesn't work.

No. I want to be clear. Your personality is not the problem. Yeah. Your choices that you're making in these interactions is your problem. Right. No one's saying being less friendly or less outgoing and easy to meet and easy to be approachable. Those are great qualities. Keep those qualities. Approachable.

Those are great qualities. Keep those qualities. You need to have boundaries for yourself when those instances happen of the choices that you're going to make with certain people that you find interesting. And challenge yourself to maybe be more open to getting to know some people that don't trigger you because of their height and their looks. Yeah. Right. No, that is seriously. I got to do that. Definitely got to do that. The fuck boy era is over because now, according to you,

you want to be intentional with your dating life because you want to meet someone. You're ready to have a partner. You don't need it, but you want it. Great. Love that. I love that you are putting those intentions out into the world, but now you need to act on it by setting some boundaries with yourself and figuring out what behaviors in the past that i demonstrated were more of a fuckboy era you know uh behaviors because like you know if you're going through a fuckboy era or whatever you're hooking up that's fine because that's the era you're in. But the day that you decide that you want to be more intentional, well, you have to change your behavior.

And a lot of people will just think, well, now I want a boyfriend or now I want a girlfriend. And they just keep going about dating the exact same way they were when they were in their fuckboy era. And that's you. Yeah, definitely.

So now you need to, now that you want to change yeah you now you need to now that you want to change your intentions you need to change your behavior yeah you've really opened my eyes all right great yeah you you know it's this is not like oh i'm pathetic i have only had three dates in five years no it's i was in my fuck boy era. So I wasn't trying to find a boyfriend and I wasn't doing anything that would cause me to find a boyfriend. I was in my fuck boy era. But now that era is done.

So accept your choices. Don't criticize yourself or shame yourself or make yourself feel bad about the past five years. you probably had a good time, probably had some good sex. You had some fun. It was wild. And then eventually when you meet your guy, you won't be wondering, did you have enough fun? So be grateful that you did it. Appreciate what you did, but now tell yourself it's time to either grow up or just make different choices because now I want different things in my life. And if I want different things in my life, I have to do things differently.

So change the narrative. Stop beating yourself up. Stop shaming yourself. Stop calling yourself pathetic. Accept your own choices and now feel empowered that now I'm ready to make different choices and now I'm going to change my behavior. You're going to have to also be patient. So, because right now you're thinking, patient? I've been single for five fucking years.

Again, that was by your choice because you were in a fuckboy era. So, honestly, you, your journey to find a boyfriend is starting now. It didn't start when you were 23. Right. It started within the last year. Exactly. So this whole narrative that you've been single for five years and you've only been on three dates is actually a false narrative. You got to stop saying that to yourself. I recently decided that I'm ready for a partner and I'm ready to be intentional with my dating life and know that like you might not find that person for another two, three, four, five years.

I don't know. Right. But the more intentional you are and the more you hone in on the right boundaries and be willing to adjust those boundaries, but enforce the boundaries that work for you, a boundary is only as good as the enforcement of it. You know? Yeah. You can say all the boundaries you want, but when it comes down to it, if you still go travel and visit a friend and meet a guy and he's just like, come on, girl, come on, babe. And you're just like, you know what? Fuck it. Like, I'm not going to see him again. Let's fuck. I'm horny. Then you're going to be stealing your fuck boy era. Right. You know?

Right. Yeah. I i gotta make myself get out of that cycle because it's never gonna change if i don't be be more mysterious 100 make them chase a little bit you know like yeah you know i'm only a phone call away you know getting conversations with guys what are they interested in what are their hobbies like find some common ground with these guys because right now all you're thinking about when you go out to the bars is fucking yeah yeah am i gonna go home with them tonight do i want to sleep with them that's the only thing that's on your mind when you're meeting these guys when you're traveling yeah yeah especially because it's like they're never see me again. It's safe to do it here because no one in my hometown knows, you know, like instead reputation instead be like, I don't know. I don't know this guy. So I don't know, but like, I want to get tonight. I'm going

to get to know him. And at the end of the night, I'll decide if I'm going to want to get to know him when I leave and be like, Hey, I know I live so far, but I'll be back in a few weeks. Give me your number. I'd love to see you again. Yeah. again yeah he's like well how about we come home tonight you're like no i just met you yeah but like you know if you're interested call me this weekend and listen a lot of guys won't don't let that disappoint you um but the good news is we've identified several areas uh that you can change to increase your chances. Well, Godspeed. I think you have some things to work on. There's no immediate update, I think, but I think we'd love to hear from you in a couple months with an update of how you maybe try to implement some of

these things and what resulted in it. And I don't expect you to call in a couple months and be like, I found my person. I hope you do. And that'd be wonderful. And if don't expect you to call in a couple of months and be like, I found my person. I hope you do. And that'd be wonderful. And if you do love to hear it, but if nothing else, what I would love to hear in a month or two, when you follow up is that you're a lot more content with how your dating life is going, that you have had a couple of interactions with guys and maybe didn't go anywhere, but you've changed some of your past behaviors. And I'd love to know how that felt. Okay. I absolutely will. That'll be fun. All right. Sounds good.

All right. Thanks, Nick. All right. Take care. Thanks. You too. Bye-bye. Bye. Well, thanks for listening. Hope you all enjoyed this episode of Ask Nick. If it's your first time, go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Welcome to the show. And don't forget our episode this Thursday, going deeper with Clayton Eckhart

when he talks about his paternity scandal from beginning to, well, I don't even know if we're at the end. Close to the end. I don't know. To present. Beginning to present. Beginning to present.

And it is a, if you love a paternity, you know, he was, for those of you who don't know, he was allegedly accused of being the father of twins with a person. He, uh, had a one night rendezvous with, and it's like the best interview because he, he really like,

I'm like, I don't know if he took a breath. We get every detail. We're live. We're live chatting with a doctor to talk, like to confirm everything he's saying. Beautiful. It was shocking.

We'll see you on Thursday.