The Viall Files - E692 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Isn’t Toxic Enough

Episode Date: January 15, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, we read an email from a listener whose boyfriend cheated on her with a stripper. He’s done this with multiple girls, but is willing to ‘work on himself.’ What should she do? Then, we get to our callers… Our first caller isn’t sure whether her long term boyfriend is the one. After almost 3 years and his push to move forward… she’s no longer sure of the relationship. Our second caller’s friend accused her boyfriend of using her for her car. Without defending himself, he broke up with her on facetime and said ‘I’m not 100% going to be a boyfriend for you right now.’ Our final caller’s best friend confessed his love to her, right after she gave birth to her 3rd child. Her baby daddy is jealous of this friend, while she is intrigued by their chemistry.  “You are simply not appreciating what you have with him.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Squeezed.com - Get same-day local delivery or Free Fast delivery nationwide with code VIALL. Quince - Go to https://quince.com/viall for free shipping and 365-day returns on your order. Happy Viking - Visit https://drinkhappyviking.com and use code VIALL for 20% off your first purchase. Caraway - This deal is exclusive to our listeners. Visit https://carawayhome.com/viall to take advantage of this limited-time offer of 10% off your next purchase. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam  @dereklanerussell

No matter what moves you made last year, TurboTax experts make them count. Did you say no to a big wedding and a lope at the county courthouse? Well, that's a move. Did you go back to school and get your degree? That is a move. Did you relocate for a fresh start? That is literally a move. Maybe you moved into a houseboat instead of a househouse,

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We'll make them count. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax. Make your moves. We'll make them count. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live. You're crazy. What's going on, everybody? What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick.

Joined by the household, we have the... I was about to say old reliable. I mean, you're... Oh, no. You're not old. I'm like a piece of clothing you don't want to wear. I'm like a pilly sweater. Is that what you think about when you hear

old reliable? Yeah, because it's not like fun and exciting. Fun and exciting Allie is temporary and unreliable. Yeah. And you are fun and exciting. But anyways, Allie's with us. The OG household

member. We have another great Ask Nick episode for you. Thank you guys for tuning in. And also, I want to say hi and welcome to any new listeners of Ask Nick, people maybe who've tuned in for the Gypsy Rose episode or the Clayton Eckhart episode. It was certainly a jam-packed week. So welcome. We are excited to share this episode with you and have you listen to some of our caller-inners, as we like to call them, sharing their stories, being vulnerable. This show is really about that, just people being willing to share their stories, their problems, challenges they're experiencing in all forms of relationships, mostly romantic, often parental or siblings or friends, whatever it is.

And we have all learned through our own mistakes. We've messed up a lot, and that's what this show is all about. We offer advice through the lens of mistakes that we've made. Certainly, I have made plenty and we have tried to pass that knowledge on to our listeners and to our callers and try to have some fun along the way. So that's what this show is all about. We appreciate you tuning in. We do have a writer in or is there anything we want to get to before? Anything we want to discuss? Do you have any life updates? Any baby updates? Any wedding updates?

Wedding, baby updates. They are around the corner. Yeah, everything's getting close. You know, baby before wedding. You know, breaking news. We're having the baby before we get married. Everything's going really great. That does remind me I have a bunch of shit to do.

I got some bills to pay, some people to call for the wedding. Because I'm very into like party planning and wedding planning. Is there one part of the process that maybe either as like a straight man or a guy who's never gotten married before that like surprised you of either like how long it took or how much it costs or just like, oh, I never even thought about that. Well, thankfully, as a straight man, I am lucky enough to be surrounded by a lot of wonderful women. We have an audience of women and we talk a lot about a lot of topics. Fortunately for me, not as in the blind, I think maybe as some other great men. So yeah, nothing really totally surprised me. The wedding industry itself, it feels a little shady, if I'm being honest with me. It's a lot of car salesman type of... What's that look you gave me? If I'm being honest with me. Not with you, but with me.

If I'm being honest with myself. I didn't even realize I said that. Yeah. I mean, it's like a hustle. Clearly, there's not a lot of set prices, right? And so it's like, are you trying to fuck us over or are you not? It feels very car sales me. Yeah. Yeah. When I was working in Chicago, I started our wedding planning division. And something I would do when I would reach out to a lot of these venues or hotels that

we already had relationships with. So I was like, hopefully they wouldn't want to swindle me, but I feel like half the time they still do. I would purposely say like, oh, it's an event I'm planning for a client. Or it's like, I would not use the word wedding just to see what price they would give me. Yeah. No, there's definitely surcharges that you have to deal with. And I don't know, I'm more in tune to like, I know when I'm being hustled, you know, having a degree or a background in sales or dealing with people in Hollywood,

you know, like you get a pretty good education on bullshit. So I think that was, I don't want to call it surprising, but annoying for sure. Especially because you're always talking to people who always say like you know this is your day and we're just here to make your day the most special day of all time

and you're like oh great that's amazing meanwhile you're just like i think you're fucking me uh you know there's a lot of those fucking with you fucking with me or fucking me fucking me over i don't know i didn't say literally if i'm being honest with myself i think you're fucking me well you know clip that um so yeah there's a little bit of that but i honestly overall a pretty solid seamless painless experience natalie has done a lot of it uh in terms of the planning and I've just tried to be a helpful resource where I could be. Have you done any sort of tasting? Because I feel like you're very food particular. We have. We did that over Thanksgiving and we're happy with the result. I have never gone to a

wedding and really remembered the food. The food just has to be fine because I have gone to weddings where they have served some high quality food. But again, you're serving in mass portions. It never comes out like if someone was just making it for you type of thing. And so, yeah, my goal is to have our guests not be hungry. That's the goal when it comes to food. And we're doing some cool things with the food and whatever, and I'm happy with the food. But I've never been to a wedding where people are like, oh my God, you know what the best part was? The food. You know, you just don't want people. Honestly, if people are remembering your food, you did something wrong. Either probably

the food's terrible or people were like left super hungry. Right. The goal, I think, for a wedding is to just make sure your guests are fed so they can enjoy you and the other festivities of the wedding. Right. That's kind of what I think. And I think we have some really like enjoyable food. I just remember for my sister's wedding, I was so nervous that I couldn't eat. So the only thing that I could like keep down was the little shooter of butternut squash soup. So I just took that like a shot and I was like, well, I hope that absorbs the alcohol

today. Well, you know, you're a different breed, though. You know, you know, it was your sister's wedding and stakes were high for you. I had to sing. I had to give a speech. Yeah. So hopefully most of our guests won't be as nervous as you were at your sister's wedding. I hope that you're not that nervous.

For yours. For mine. What's he going to say? Who knows? Do we have a writer enter? We do. so this is from my good friend katie i've just decided we're gonna be good friends so katie wrote in and said the subject line was my boyfriend cheated on me with a stripper and katie writes dear nick and the household i've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for three years because he's in the military and he just told me yesterday when we were together that he cheated on me a year ago.

He said that he was hanging out with his friends the night before his best friend's wedding and went to a strip club. A stripper gave him her number. He texted her. She came to the Airbnb and then they had sex. During this conversation, I asked him whether he had ever messaged other girls before. He told me that he had three different times. He mentioned that two were people he knew and one was a girl he'd just met at a bar.

He told me that they texted back and forth and that he was just getting to know them by asking standard questions, but then he would feel really gross after a day or two and he would block them. He said the last time he did this was last March. He was extremely remorseful and told me that he took so long to tell me because he thought

that I would end the relationship and he was really scared. The lying hurts even more than the cheating. I feel like he's such a people pleaser that he has a really hard time telling the truth if it is going to hurt someone and it makes it hard to trust him. I feel pretty numb about the whole situation. I was so blindsided and I can honestly say that there were zero warning signs. I felt like he was crazy about me and he would never do anything like this. He has such a sweet personality that I don't think anyone would expect this from him. It's hard to know what to do or how to feel. I love him with all of my heart and it really

sucks that this happened because so much of me wants to just pretend it didn't. But having been cheated on in the past by a different partner, I know that pretending it didn't happen doesn't work. Ultimately, I want to know what the best path forward is. He told me he was signing up for therapy immediately because he didn't want to lose me, and he understands he has a lot of self-discovery to do. I told him that I'm taking a step back, and I need to see that he is really engaged in therapy and will figure out why he cheated and how he was capable of lying to me for so long. I don't know if it is stupid of me for even giving him a chance, and I don't know how to act in the meantime toward him because deep down, I really love him. How should I move forward? Should I break up with him? Should I stay with him but be emotionally

removed while he's working in therapy? But if Nick could address this on the pod, I would really appreciate. Wow, tough situation for sure. Let's just go through like good news, bad news, right? Like bad news is he cheated on you. That sucks, you know, and you would be more than understandable if you decided you could no longer be with this person, that too much damage was done. Good news is he did tell you there's that. As someone who knows what it's like to be lied to regarding infidelity, it's one of

those, like, listen, yeah, when you're like, I can't believe you lied to me. And yes, he is capable of holding on to a really bad lie. So what she is probably doing, my guess, because that's what I would have done or what I did is you go back and then you replay all the conversations you had where even lying by admission was them lying. Any moment you guys shared of intimacy or connection is going to feel false on some degree because of the lie that they were holding from you. So that is like an obvious feeling. And then what we didn't want to do is how could they do that? They must be monsters, you know, as if like we could never hold on to a lie. I just listen. I think when we're in very difficult situations, like obviously how we talk a lot about this on the show, how we handle ourselves in difficult situations certainly

matters greatly, especially when it comes to your character. Doesn't mean we always pass that test. And so he really fucked up. But you do have the fact that he told you going for you. You do have the fact that he is in therapy. Now, that doesn't mean he's going to change. And right now, that could just be something he's saying because he thinks that you're going to respond positive to it. But we also are a show that very much believes that people can learn from their mistakes. And this is clearly a mistake. We recently had the pleasure of interviewing Gypsy Rose. She made, mistake. You know, we recently had the pleasure of interviewing Gypsy Rose. She made, obviously, a huge mistake. You know, she was a part of a murder, you know, certainly an accomplice to a murder. You know, who knows what life is going to bring Gypsy Rose, but she did come across,

as we discussed, you know, on last episode of Going Deeper, she really came across to me as someone who's really invested in therapy. Someone who had a lot of trauma, obviously from her past and her childhood, that was very destructive. And she's seemed to make the most of her time in prison and therapy. And she seems to me like someone who really has a chance of reinventing herself, changing her life for the better. That is rare. Not most people don't do that, right? I say that knowing that despite your partner telling you and despite him in therapy, if you choose to be with him, as I always say, like, listen, if you're going to take a risk, be honest with the risk that

you're taking. There is no right or wrong decision here. But it is a risk to try to stay in this relationship and work with your boyfriend on saving the relationship. So accept that risk if you're going to take it, but it doesn't mean it's impossible. And so far, how he is handling this is a step in the right direction. She asked, you know, should I disconnect myself from him while he's working on himself? That's breaking up. If you want to break up with him, break up with him. If you have to say, hey, listen, right now I am too hurt. I don't know if I can trust you. And you're right. You have some work to do on yourself.

And I just can't be with you right now. I just know that I don't feel safe around you. I don't feel connected with you. And right now I just can't be in a committed relationship. I just can't. As far as the future, I don't know. I wouldn't make any promises about what we'll see in the future. Don't do that.

Don't do this kind of soft breakup or take a break. That will be your default. That's what she's going to want to do. She's going to want to have a cake or eat it too, which is to quote unquote break up with him. But can I keep him committed to her? So like almost like a penance. All right.

Well, we're not going to be together. We're going to take a break because you hurt me. I'm going to back off. I'm going to disappear. I'm going to do my thing. You're going to get into therapy, but we're kind of technically still together, so you really can't do anything with anyone else.

You can't do that. That's kind of, you're going to get into a very toxic situation or relationship with him, and you're going to want to do that because you feel very powerless now, and that'll be a way of like taking your power back because you'll be in all this control. You'll be able to, you know, make him feel bad, but you'll want to do that. But you shouldn't do that. If you don't want to be with him, if you want to disconnect with him, you have the right to do that. But that means you break up with him. And then you say, hey, listen, I'm

proud of you for getting into therapy, but I just can't be with you. And I really hope that you focus on this. And I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Maybe you can say that. I wouldn't even say that. But I would break up and see how he handles his situation, see if he stays in therapy, see if he's really committed to working on himself. And then you can check back in with him down the road. But real change takes time.

Or if you want to stay with him while he's going through therapy and also maybe enter into couples therapy, that's also an option too. And you should work on being connected and stay connected through working through this adversity, you know, and try to build that trust back. And yes, it will be hard. And you will have those moments of like, I don't know if I should be able to trust you. But if you really are committed to this relationship, if you want to make it work, you have to make it work. And that is a choice of trying to stick it out, even though you're dealing with infidelity. And again, there is no wrong answer. And you have every right to leave this relationship. My big feedback is to,

if you're going to stay in it, you got to stay in it. You got to focus on staying connected. And if you're going to choose to work through this, yeah, you're going to, there are going to be moments and conversations where you're going to bring it up, what he did. But you have to be very careful not to weaponize it, not to throw it in his face. You maybe bring it up because you might be able to say something like, well, this is triggering me, this is reminding me of this, but can we talk through it? If you choose to be in the relationship, you still have to be in the relationship and you still have to do 100% of your half. And if you want to stay in this relationship and take advantage of the fact that now you are in the driver's seat and you have this

power, that's not a recipe for success in a relationship. To kind of hang their mistake over their head, even though it's terrible what they did. So that's my big feedback is to decide one way or the other what direction you want to go. And listen, if you decide to stay with them now, you're not signing any type of contract. You can break up within three weeks or a month. You can say, I tried to do this, but I don't think I can do it. But if you are in the relationship, you still have to stay in the relationship emotionally and mentally. And yeah, that will be challenging. And therapy can certainly help with that. But either you're in it or you're not in it. That's my big takeaway with this. And that can be a

challenge. But check out, there's a great, it's on YouTube, a TED Talk by Esther Perel. She has kind of a world-renowned TED Talk about infidelity and some of the misnomers about it and things like that and how why people cheat it's it's not a universal you know so it's not like it's a one-size-fits-all but um it is I think you know very educational for everyone to watch uh I would check that out uh and that might give you some some clarity because that's the thing when it comes to infidelity is like you know all your friends are going to have an opinion of what they think you should do. It can be cloudy. And then, you know, listen, they all have their, your best interests in mind. They want to protect you. Because again, the reality is most people don't change. This is a situation you, you have a long

term, a long distance boyfriend. It can be difficult. He did check out. I would dive deeper into why he really told you now. I would, you know, ask more questions around that. You know, you have every right to keep asking questions, but I think there is a path forward. You know, I would have to know more to give more specifics, but I think my big takeaway is you have to decide for yourself what you want to do. Ultimately, it can't be your friend's decisions or your parent's decisions. It's something you two have to decide to do. There is no wrong answer. You can leave, but if you're going to leave, you to decide to do. There is no wrong answer. You can leave. But if you're going to leave, you have to break up.

There's no taking a break or holding on to him or keeping tabs on him or, you know, abusing the power that you now have because right now he's afraid you're going to break up with him. He is remorseful. He knows he fucked up. And now you can hang that over his head if you want. But that's not the healthy way of moving forward and i i had someone in my life who was in a similar situation like long distance long-term relationship and then they reached kind of an impasse if something

happened where they couldn't necessarily keep moving forward they took a quote-unquote break or broke up for several months and then ended up like getting back together later down the road and people have asked them like well how did you make it work? Or like, how did you make this break like so effective? And they both said, because it wasn't a break, because we didn't think we're gonna get back together. We broke up fully. We worked on ourselves.

We went to therapy. We lived lives separately. And then we were able to like come back together, you know, six months down the line as different people and then reconnect. But I think that the key takeaway is we didn't have it in the back of our mind. Like, oh, this is a backup option or we're working on this. We are done.

Yeah. So that's really important and very, very hard to do. And as far as building trust back, that is something you're just going to have to figure out if you can do with him. You know, again, those moments, those those defining moments like when he needs to discover through therapy why in those moments why he chose the wrong path because he knows the difference between right or wrong and in those moments of weakness like why did he choose to explore something that he knew he would regret and why couldn't he do that in the future being a people pleaser i don't know there's more to it

right you know being a people pleaser to a stripper he doesn't know, that doesn't make sense. What gets me is when she's like, he was just asking them standard questions to get to know them, but I'm like, but why? Yeah. It's just like, okay, but that's, no, he was horny and he was missing a connection with you on some level. And he literally dealt with a professional who's good at turning people on and probably reached a point of, oh fuck. And then, you know, he was thinking with the wrong head, so to speak. I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's being a people pleaser. I think it's him being selfish in that moment and only considering his immediate needs and not considering yours. I wouldn't rewrite this narrative in your head that he's some sort of people pleaser, because that sounds better than, he was selfish and he made a very selfish choice

and he needs to address why he is incapable of making selfless choices in those moments rather than what he did. But he can, and people have been contrite about these decisions and really, you know, I think it's a really good sign that he finally told you. To me, that says that this is a guy who does have that conscience, so to speak, and does have regret. And the fact that he really wants to make changes in his life is positive, but it's also not your responsibility to forgive him if that's not something that in your heart you want to do. All right. Well, let us know your thoughts and whether you agree or disagree. We got some great callers lined up for you. As always, we appreciate you guys listening. Don't forget to send in your questions if you have one for us. As always, everyone is anonymous.

Fake name, real age, as we always say. So you do not have to worry about that. So send in those questions at AskNickAtTheVowFiles.com. We appreciate it, whether it's mediation between you and your partner, just a question for yourself, any type of question under the sun, we would love to hear from you. We have an incredible week lined up for you this week. We have a great week lined up for you. Some banger episodes. Get ready. It's going to be wild. Have I lied yet? Have I steered you wrong yet? Did I lie? Lied yet? You know, have I steered you wrong yet? Did I lie? So we have incredible episodes for you this week.

So be sure to tune in. As always, we appreciate your guys' support. We love you. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, I'm Erica. I'm 31 years old and I'm worried that my long-term boyfriend isn't the one. Okay. How long has he been dating for? Just hit three years. How much

are you guys talking about next steps? We are talking a lot. He's been wanting to progress a lot quicker than me, kind of. And we are both like he's 32, I'm 31, which is like very normal. And it's a very normal time. But yeah, I just like, I haven't been totally sure. And I don't know, I just feel like the clock is... Have you always felt this way? I think I started getting confused like a year in how did you feel about him when you first that first year what was that first year so when we first met i was like so i was so excited about him like i was like he he told me that i was like awestruck at first

on our first dates um he told you that you were awestruck about him yeah our first dates and i was okay um i was like so excited like i um i don't know and in the city that i'm that i live in like dating had been hard for me for a long time and i hadn't had a boyfriend for like over three months or like six six like i haven't had a long-term relationship before this three months or like six, six, like I haven't had a long-term relationship before this. So, um, yeah, it was, I, I don't know. But anyway, when I first met him, he was like, he met a lot of the things that I was looking for. Like what? I thought he was really attractive. I thought it was really cute. He was my age. He had a good job.

Like he just seemed cool. Okay. And then basically, it's like when our lives kind of started to come together, I started to meet a lot of his friends and he's in tech and like, kind of nerdy. And like, that kind of started to turn me off. And so I've had this like inner conflict of like, does it really matter? Or like, I have like, I've been wanting to like, make sure that my partner like fulfills these like soul needs. And like, I just think we're like, we're slightly different people. It's just like, it's slightly not there.

Like, it's so close. But what do you mean by slightly not there? I mean, you know, now and I are definitely more than slightly different people. We're different people in a lot of ways. We're also, I think, very compatible. But there are definitely, like, you know, we have little bits of incompatibility, you know. She loves sauces. I'm very picky about sauces, you know.

You're describing what I can only say sounds like an ick when you bring up his like techie background. Like what is he like a software engineer? Yeah, he is. who are in sales and do hunting and sports. And you just kind of like that vibe that that group that, you know, reminded you of like a lot of the guys you dated in high school or college in your early twenties. Right. So I'm not into like the bro-ier guys, but I'm more into like guys that are really cool, like no good music. Literally like the last guy I dated before him was like a musician with like no life direction at all how'd that go not great and I and I know that I like don't really want that

um I think that is just like more of a dream but it's like this music thing like this music connection like just as an example like he doesn't know artists and like I i'm like obsessed with those types of things um and he like only listens to playlists i or like i don't know honestly in a lot of ways someone could be listening to this and it could sound like you're describing me and and you sound like natalie oh really yeah in some ways you know i wasn't a software engineer, but I sold, I was in sales in a tech business. I don't know fuck about music. I'm a playlist guy.

It's embarrassing. I'm a top 40s guy. Like, I don't know music. I just, I'm not going to be able to riff with you about like the interweavings of music. And not that Nelly's that, like, she knows music way more than me. She knows every lyric to every song ever played. If she hears it once, she can know everything about it. She knows artists. She knows so much more than me.

We don't get to talk about music. I mean, sure, we'll talk about, like, I like Taylor Swift and Harry Styles, but, like, if she ever wants to get into the weeds, I'm not the guy she's going to talk to about it, you know? Yeah. I don't think music in itself is a huge passion for her, but, like,

you know, I'm a very... I can be very analytical, you know, and every once in a while, Natalie will indulge my analytical conversations that I want to have with her. But there are times where she's indulging me. She's not as passionate as I am about any one particular conversation. Like that happened a lot with us. You know, we spent every day together and, you know, and things like that. I guess what I'm saying is like, yeah, but there's also a lot of things we're compatible about too. You dated this guy for three years.

Recently, for whatever reason, it sounds like you've been very fixated on the things that annoy you about him. And I'm curious, like, what are the things that, you know, he seemed cool. You thought he was cute. What do you like about your relationship? Describe the last time you remember having fun with him. Um, I mean, like he, he really gets along with like all my friends and like, that's great. Um um we both really love like doing like outdoorsy things like he like has taught me how to ski which i love amazing but when was the last time you had fun with them literally when was the last time you guys did

something and it was like fun for example uh last week i was in vegas without natalie prior to that uh the sunday before we had a little date night in Venice. And we had dinner where we got engaged. And we got a couple's massage. And we went to a Levi Jean place that sold retro jeans and stuff like that. And we did a little shopping. Yeah. It was fun.

I feel like you guys are kind of similar people. Sure. Similar vibes. He is so close but then like and i don't know how much you agree with this but like sometimes i think friends are like a reflection of you i agree with that less and less especially as you get into your 30s i mean when you're in your high when you're high school college sure you know and certainly who people surround themselves with can definitely be a reflection of their character who

they are I tend to think of that more in terms of like red flags you notice the fact that your boyfriend has a bit of a nerdy side because of what he does for work and some of those people he works with happens to be his friends and even some of those guys are even nerdier than him and they're generally that whole group is generally not interested in anything you're into. Yes. I don't think really says anything about your relationship or your future, unless your boyfriend is someone who demands to have a lot of quality time with his friends. So much so that he deprioritizes quality time with you for the sake of prioritizing time

with him does that happen no okay um he's like so crazy sweet that i'll be like i just like don't love hanging out with your friends and i feel like you don't have fun with his friends that's fine i mean who gives a shit if you have fun with his friends they're his friends they're not your friends do you hate his friends or you just like, don't have anything in common with them? I don't hate them. I just don't have anything in common with them. Okay. Yeah. It could be so much worse. Yeah. Your boyfriend could be friends, some like terrible fuck boy who does nothing but demonstrate like poor character qualities. You see him being selfish and self-centered and

treating people with disrespect, especially the women he dates. And your boyfriend could be like constantly making excuses for him, et cetera, et cetera. And all of a sudden you could be like, well, if you're making excuses for him, like who's making excuses? You know what I'm saying? Like I have a lot of different friends. In high school, I was, I guess you could call, if anything, I was a bit of a jock, right? You know, I've always had a bit of an artistic, creative background. And then as I got into adulthood, I had a very eclectic group of friends. Some people were more like nerdy and into music or more of the creative, especially as I moved out to L.A. I maintained relationships with a lot of my friends back home who are definitely more, you know, bro-y, you know, type of dudes and things like that. You know, Natalie's met them all.

I'm sure some of my friends she is more fond of than others type of thing. Yeah. But is like going out with groups of friends a big deal to you? Yeah. I don't know if it's like some kind of maybe like triggering me, maybe like I've been trying to like uncover that a little bit. But I don't I mean, I've also had like past boyfriends where I've like loved their friends. And like, it feels like I'm always kind of giving him like new experiences when like he's always just hanging along to like, like I have all these fun friends and we go to all these new things that he doesn't do. He taught you how to ski? Yes. What else else that's the only thing he's introduced you to he's taught me to be better with finances okay positive that's the only two things skiing and a little money advice i don't know and then he's so loving to me and he's so he's like insanely patient he just treats me like you know how i've always

wanted to be treated um i guess like maybe i'm still like chasing that like that new experience high that i like i've had some boyfriends give to me yeah i mean i think you're what you're missing is drama no i think it's not the drama it's's literally just like, I just feel like I'm always the one like making all of our plans. Is that a terrible thing? I can get me frustrated at times if you were to say, hey, babe, I feel like I'm always planning. It would be nice if you plan something for us once in a while. You think he would do it? Yeah.

And is it more about what do you want him to plan? Do you want him to take more time to plan like dates with you or just little moments of affection with you? Or do you want him to plan parties with friends? Like, what are you looking for? It's more of just like experiences like outside of my social life. What do your friends think of him? your friends think of him so my friends that see him like consistently like they all really like him and the other ones that hear me like all my concerns are like a little more concerned but but they're they like live in a different state i mean i'm i i'm not hearing concerns i'm hearing preferences i just feel like so he wants me to move in with him too. I really think it would be, I think we could coexist like really well. And like, I think it would be a good way for us to

like learn more about our relationship and like, you're not all in though. You're not, you're not all in. I don't think you should move in together. At least not right now, but I'm trying to figure out what, what, what you're not satisfied with. Are you still attracted to him? Yes. You pause. Yeah. What's you didn't think about that? No,

I mean, I am. And it's, there's just like, there, there's definitely just like random X, you know, it sounds to me that you are simply not appreciating what you have with him.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's a very good chance of that too. And if I were, this is the gut feeling on the very limited information I have after speaking to you, but let's say instead of you calling in, he called in. And he was like, I think my girlfriend is not sure if she wants to be with me. I'm not sure if my girlfriend thinks I'm her person, right? It was just his version of this story. And let's say it was essentially the same story, which is like, I don't know, man. Like I don't have a lot in common with her friends. I know. I think she wishes I'd liked music more. It's just not my thing. Like she doesn't like, she seems to put up with my friends but like i know she's not that close with them i know i could probably plan a little bit more but like

and let's say like for some weird reason one of your friends called him and be like he's just the nicest fucking guy in the world he's always like toting on her and he's always respectful and like he is he clearly makes her a priority like he's not perfect, but he definitely goes out of the way to make her a priority. So my advice to him would be to show you what it's like to lose you. And I honestly feel like right now you have all this power in your relationship. He wants to move in with you. You're not sure. You are confident about his feelings for you.

You aren't confident about your feelings for him. So in your mind, you have this leverage because you're not ever wondering about how he feels about you. And so if that were to ever change, if you woke up tomorrow and felt an energy shift of some kind where he became more distant, wasn't acting like himself, you got the vibe that you turned him off, that he was questioning whether he still wanted to move with you, I get the sense that you would panic and lose your mind and and if he really was serious and like kind of ghosted you or even said something like hey erica like i love you but i think we just need

to take a break i don't know i'm going through like a weird time and honestly i don't feel like i'm getting your support and honestly i'm tired of you like hating on my friends and i'm just kind of like sick of feeling less than and i just need need a break right now. I don't know. I think maybe I just need to see what else is out there. I think you would lose your shit. That's interesting. Yeah. Because I'm not, I'm not, you haven't said anything other than the fact that you're like kind of a little bored. Your boyfriend's not as exciting as some of the other toxic men you've dated in the past. You have responded to men in the past who gave you less than you always wanted, made you feel confused, and you allowed your ego to get excited about the opportunity and the

possibility to prove these guys wrong, that you were enough, and it was an opportunity for your ego to feel special. But it was like a fix. It was a high. It was a rush. You got something out of it. Anytime your ex-boyfriend and your musician guy, tell me if I'm wrong. I'm literally just guessing. But I'm guessing there was a lot of moments where you were frustrated with your partner in the past, or you would talk to your girls and why does he do this and he he never does this. And, and instead of standing up for yourself and saying, I don't deserve to be treated that way. You use that as an opportunity to get validated. It was like, well, I'm going to show

him why he needs to treat me better. And then instead of like showing him by removing yourself, you chased him. You, you know, you let me know if I'm wrong. I don't know. Yeah. I'm literally guessing at, at the beginning, my boyfriend was like kind of noncommittal. Like he's like, I don't want to, I don't want to get serious. And then I eventually, because I was getting older, I was like, you know what? I don't even freaking care if you don't like me, then let's not date. And then he like, he respected that because I, And you started this story by saying, my boyfriend on the first date told me that I was in awe. Your boyfriend came on your first date with some swag, some confidence, and you ate that up. You loved it. You loved that you were on a date with a guy who kind of slow-key suggested that he was doing you a favor by hanging out with you.

And you loved that. You loved that. And honestly, I have no problem out with you. And you loved that. You loved that. And honestly, I have no problem with that. I say all the time, universally, people are attracted to confidence. And your boyfriend was demonstrating confidence in a way that you responded to. But you have to like, you know, when this episode comes out, I'm curious what you think when you listen to yourself talk. Because like, you're just like, I don't know.

It's just like, I'm kind of bored. You sound bored. Yeah. because like you're just like i don't know it's just like i'm kind of bored you sound bored yeah and and the thing that i struggle with is like i know how shitty it sounds and i grapple with just like doing the right thing i don't want to take him for granted and like you know like i just want to like feel it in my heart so i feel like there's like things that i have to untangle he is like endlessly like patient and loving to me. But you almost say it like you're annoyed.

Really? Well, you're certainly not grateful. I mean, I don't know how much you listen to this show, but usually we get calls with like husbands who don't want to spend any time with their wives, you know? And you are allowed to lose interest in your partner. You are allowed to no longer find him attractive. You are allowed to no longer find him attractive. You are allowed to have your feelings change.

But you're not even saying that. You're just kind of like, I'm bored. And he doesn't do anything that exciting. It's just like, you're kind of saying, I want my boyfriend to be just a little more toxic than he is. I want him to piss me off. I want to fight for our relationship. I want to mix it up.

Yeah. The whole liking and not liking his friends part part to me, I don't, I don't necessarily understand that because again, you know, you're 30, you're, you're in your early thirties. He's in his early thirties. Like, I don't think you should pick your partner based off their friend group. Yeah. Like you're not in college anymore. I know. Yeah. And I really hope that I, it's not like that I'm attracted to toxic people. Like, I feel like I have been trying to work that. We've all been there. Every once in, if Nally was here,

she would joke around with you that every once in a while, we joke sometimes, like jokingly, where we'll like, we'll talk. I'm glad we don't record it because we say some crazy shit to each other. She'll like mouth off and she'll like, shut up, you stupid motherfucker

or something like that. I know she's joking, but every once in a while, she admits that her little toxic side of her will come out to just introduce a little drama in our relationship. Because, you know, thankfully most days there isn't. That's not to say we haven't had our problems or we haven't had some shit we've had to work through and stuff like that. But, you know, most days I like to think we have a pretty healthy relationship. We over communicate, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And I think sometimes it's natural for to get complacent and bored and and miss the days where, you know, you argued with your partner for 45 to 90 minutes. But the comeback, the getting back in their good graces was such a fucking euphoric feeling that like it was it was a fucking high, you know, but you're getting older and you're hopefully maturing and you just have to find new ways with your partner to mix our ways. You know, I think we've gotten a little too comfortable. Let's do something exciting.

Let's be adventurous. I don't know. Maybe it is. You take a trip that you don't plan for all that much. I don't fucking know how you want to mix it up. There are ways to mix it up in your relationship without trying to sabotage it, I guess is what I'm saying. And listen, if you're like, I just don't love him anymore, then fine. I'm not trying to convince you to be with this guy.

But all I've heard from you is this like, I don't really know. He's super nice. There's some things we don't have in common. You don't think your boyfriend's cool. I don't think Nellie thinks I'm cool, to be honest with you with you no I think she thinks I'm far far less

cooler than when she first met me I wish she was here I'll ask her tonight you know she's seeing behind the curtain a little bit I am like I have a nerdy side I am a dork I can be insecure I do have icks and disgusting habits you know she listens to me we've really gotten to know each other we see each other differently you know that is that is part of a relationship. Do you enjoy having sex with him? That can be good. That can be good. I'm struggling here, you know? Like, okay. So the sex can be good. You're still attractive. He seems to be taking care of himself. Like what is the problem? I think the first guy that I loved was super into music, had all these cool friends and it didn't work out and it like crushed me.

So I feel like that is like still lingering and it was from so long ago. So it's kind of like, Erica, you need to let this go. But I like that could be a part of it. Go give your boyfriend a hall pass and see how you feel. I don't know. I'm kidding. But think about that. I don't know. imagine what it'd be like to see him going out on a date do you like do you think if you broke up with him how do you think he would do on his own i mean i think about seeing him like around the city or something and it like just makes me feel very weird okay well it just makes me feel very i don't know it's just like heartbreaking to does

he have any idea about how you feel he does we've talked about it and what do you say to a patient what do you say to him i've told him what i've told you he's been like well what and i've said like i just don't get along with your friends and i feel bad about that but who gives a shit don't let let him go hang out with his friends yeah do you always have to be there if you keep keep dating him, I would hate for you to say, I'm refusing to hang out with your friends, but you don't have to always go. And when you do go, you don't have to have a lot in common with them. You can be like, hey, whatever.

There are definitely plenty of people I'm friends with that Allie is just like, cool. Have fun. Yeah. And if you decide to have a life with this, do you want to have a family? Do you want to get married? Like what are your. Yeah,

definitely. Well, friends will be less in the picture. You know, it's you need to find if you want to settle down, get married and have kids, you need to be attracted to your partner and physical intimacy is important. And it sounds like you have that, but like you are

describing a lot of positive qualities in a partner that you seem to have with him this is not even about necessarily just him that you two have and share just the simple ability to talk to him about how you're feeling and his willingness to listen to be honest with you if he were on here like as a mediation i would tell him straight up with you standing there i'd be like i think you should be less patient i think the more she the more she keeps downplaying uh your guys's connection and the more she keeps like suggesting that you're not enough for her i would stop apologizing for not being enough and i would start just like living your life as if she is going to eventually leave you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. He definitely deserves not to be in a three-year relationship

with someone who's constantly questioning whether he's good enough and without any direction whatsoever and without anything he can actually work on. 100%. Yeah. I don't think you should move in together. To be clear, I think that question is already answered. It's like, listen, man, like we've only been dating for three years i know it's three years but right now like i i don't think we should live together you know are you in therapy at all yeah what do you guys talk about like have you talked about the shit like this yep yeah that's the thing that we talk about yeah and what do they say um i think she's trying to be a good therapist and like not give me the advice, but she doesn't want to tell me what to do. And I just kind of like want someone to tell me what to do.

What does she say though? She'll say stuff like, like there's some things where like, he's told me that he wouldn't move to my hometown. And she, and you know, and she's like, okay, if he said that he would move to your hometown what would you do would you be okay with that and then i'm like i like get all my reservations again um what does your hometown have to do with it i just like if i wanted to have a family there and he said that he wouldn't go there because of work as of now you're in a relationship with a guy who has told you that despite how great he is and how flexible and patient he's been, the one thing he's not open to right now is to move back to your hometown to raise a family with you. Yeah, he wants to do it in the city we're in now. How do you feel about that?

It's just a lot to think about. Like, I think. Why do you have to? Also, you don't have to think about it right now. I feel like I do since I'm 31. You're not 51. You're 31. I think i am i think the whole

reason why i'm like seeking so much advice on this is because of like the biological clock type of area but again and i'm not a fucking doctor and i understand and empathize that women have to deal with a biological clock that men don't but you're're 31. I don't think you'd have to start making rash and unwise decisions for yourself and settle for a guy you don't want to settle, or I don't even know. But I do think this, you are adding unnecessary pressure to yourself. Listen, you are not ready to make a decision about moving in with him, let alone getting engaged to him, and that is totally okay. Yeah. about moving in with him, let alone getting engaged to him. And that is totally okay.

Yeah. So my advice to you would be to stop deciding internally in your head that you have to decide by the end of the year or whatever false timeline you have put in your head is like, I need to figure this out. Okay. Yeah. I think more big picture, you can say, I need to figure out why I question my relationship as much as I do. And I need to figure out whether am I just simply not appreciating my boyfriend or is there a bigger issue about how I feel? I'm trying to get an answer out of you. But like, usually at this point, if someone was like, you know, withholding information, I'd probably be able to get it out

of them. But like, when I asked you the sex question, I honestly was like, yeah, if I'm being honest, like, not that great, you know great you know and i'm like okay because that would have been hard for you maybe to acknowledge but you're like i don't know i'd still like having sex with them and like you know i'm still attracted to them you just wish he wore leather jackets and liked music a little bit more and was like what every once in a while would book tickets to some like old school rock band and, and, and be like,

Oh, this is so cool that we're going to this. And like, you know, and it'd be some sort of like, Oh, cool moment. And then he introduces some cool people and be like,

what a wild weekend. And then you do some drugs together and like, it'd be fun. Like, okay. Oh my gosh. And also, why can't you do this shit that you want to do?

Not with him. Like your boyfriend, whoever they are, or your husband doesn't have to be the sole source of your entertainment. You have friends. You get to go out with them. Do some crazy shit with them. Go to a fucking concert. I don't know.

I'm just not understanding why your boyfriend has to be the person who you have to like hanging out with his friends. You have to like what he plans. You have to be entertained by the things that he's interested in. Why? I mean, to some degree, sure. I feel like what's more important is like, are you guys able to have fun together? Whoever plans it. You know, do you guys enjoy each other's company?

Do you feel content in your relationship? Does he motivate you at all? You know, does he motivate you at all? Does he inspire you at all? What do you respect about your boyfriend? He's kind of been through a lot of crazy things in his life. So he's really resilient just in terms of sickness and moving to other countries and all these things. So he has a lot of resilience that I think is really cool. I think resilience is an amazing quality that is often underappreciated.

I know. Yeah. I think just like the reason why I'm seeking advice is yeah, it was just because I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself because of my friends, like who've been in long-term relationships, got married, have a six month old, like I'm not there. That's okay. Yeah. You're not them. And you know what? I'm about to have my first kid. I'm 43 years old. Like it's not how I planned it. I'm glad, you know, Natalie on the flip side is going to be a younger mother. You know, Natalie's had a wildly entertaining life up into this point more than say I had when I was her age type of thing. wildly entertaining life up until this point, more than, say, I had when I was her age type of thing.

But at the same time, our lives will be, you know, we're going through life differently. And quite honestly, that's something that, in a relationship, we might have to address and adjust to. Just because your friends did something doesn't mean you have to. You're going to make new friends. You'll lose some other friends. Stop pressuring yourself.

What I want for your boyfriend is to stop putting up with your shit a little bit and i say that playfully no i mean honestly saying like i feel like he like loves me so much but i can like do no wrong i'm like this is not true yeah i wouldn't take it for granted it's it's listen it's a fine line we were i was talking about this with friends the other day. It's just like, oh, we were talking about the podcast or something or like cheating or I don't know. But like your boyfriend is thinking she's my person or she's my girlfriend at least. And it's just my job to support her. And that's what he's doing, you know, and you're being annoyed by his support. But eventually we will lose the support of our partner if we continue to act ungrateful for it. I don't know when he'll reach his limit, but he does have a limit. I can promise you that. But right now,

it's not that he's a pushover or, you know, it's that he is trying to be empathetic to the fact that maybe you are just kind of going through whatever it is you're going through, because it doesn't sound like a him thing. It sounds like a you thing. And it sounds like you are having a hard time replicating certain feelings and emotions that you responded to in the past. And the only way you have known how to elicit those feelings is through toxic men and other toxic behaviors. And you, I feel like, just need to find healthier outlets to get that rush of excitement and stop judging your relationship and judging yourself and act like there's a certain way of doing things because there just isn't. Your husband is friends with coworkers. He has some similar interests in some of his coworkers. They're not his ride or dies. They, some of them

might not be at your wedding. If you marry him, he might not talk to any of these guys in five to 10 years. If you were to get a different job, I don't fuck it. You know what I'm saying? Like a lot of his friends are friends by proximity. You don't have to even enjoy hanging out with any of them, you know? And so I, I just think it's set right now, and you've been clearly focused on the things that you don't like about him. And I would, if I were you, my advice to you is I would maybe write down things and think about things that you're grateful for in his life. And I would communicate that to him. And I would try to focus on those things. Like every guy is going to give an ick, like, you know, he just is.

I think right now the most mature, healthiest thing you could do is to end the conversations about moving in with your boyfriend. Hey, listen, I mean, assuming you still love him and I want to be with him, but like right now I'm just not ready. And I think I've just gotten in my head about like timelines and my clock and my friends. And I've obviously been honest with you about my feelings in the past. And I just feel like it's unnecessary. And the reason I don't wanna move in with you isn't because I wanna go backwards,

it's because I don't wanna move things forward too fast. And I understand we have been dating for three years, but you don't move in with someone because you've been dating for three years. You move in with someone because you're both mutually excited to take that next step together and move in with each other. That's it. Short of getting married and being like, it would be weird not to live together if you were married. But that's the only reason two people should move in together.

So take that pressure off yourself. Try to set expectations with him and just be honest with him where you're at. You guys should feel like you make each other a priority first and foremost, and that should be obvious. And other than that, how you prioritize friends and quality time with them and vice versa, there's no right or wrong answer as long as you guys feel like you're getting what you need from each other. And what you're getting from friends and those interactions are just not as important. I also think this is my first long-term relationship and maybe there's just a lot of learning that's happening there. Maybe. Try to take the pressure off yourself and say, right now, all I'm going to do is focus on enjoying our relationship and focus on our connection. And I'm not going to think about kids, marriage, or moving in with this guy for at least a year.

And I would communicate that with him and just say, hey, listen, I think I've lost sight of our connection. What I want to focus on in our relationship in 2024 is our connection. I want to stop unappreciating the way I feel like I have. And I want to find new ways for us to do exciting things. I want to work on the little things. But right now, I just want to focus on that. I really don't want to think about, are we ready to move in with each other? I don't really want to think about an engagement. And I want all these things with you. But right now, I just want to think about, are we ready to move in with each other? I don't really want to think about an engagement. And I want all these things with you.

But like right now, I just want to focus on our connection. And I think that's where you should start. And then like, let's say if I'm like 32 and I still don't feel this like. Worry about 32 when you get there. Yeah. Call us back. But right now, stop worrying. Like your first thought after me saying that was like, well, what happens when I get to 32?

Just try to be a little bit more present. You're looking for answers that you're just going to have to wait to see. Yeah. And your relationship with this guy isn't going to work out because of fate or destiny or because you guessed right or some wizard came to you and gave you an answer that you were seeking. It's going to be because you put in the work and he put in the work and you guys chose to be with each other and you chose as time went on, you got more comfortable with each other and you got more complacent with each other and it was more easy to take each other for granted. You decided to not take each other for granted. You decided to do the work and you found new ways to connect

and reconnect and that's every relationship. Yeah. So right now you're disconnected from your partner. And instead of focusing on how to reconnect with your partner, you're questioning your entire relationship and comparing it to shitty relationships you had in the past. And I can see why you're spinning your wheels and you can't get answers because that would be very frustrating. So focus on your connection and stop judging yourself and stop making this decision feel impossible because you're looking for something that's not there. You're looking for clarity that doesn't exist. Yeah.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. All the people in my life are putting a lot of pressure on me too. Well, that's probably because you probably don't shut up about it with them. So actually, is that wrong or no? No, that's right okay so stop talking about it with your friends when people ask about your boyfriend be like things are great and like you know honestly i just think i probably just haven't been appreciating him as much as i should have but at the more importantly just stop talking about it you know and if you say anything say positive things unless there's a reason not to.

But right now you're out there asking everyone to make a decision for you and your relationship, and you're generally just acting unhappy. And so obviously your friends who care about you, who want to see you happy, are making a bigger deal about things that just aren't there in your relationship. But it's all based off of your attitude. Yeah, that's something that my therapist said was like, you need all based off of your attitude. Yeah. That's something that my therapist said was like, you need to stop asking people about it. And like, you need to just work this, like work on it with just you. Yeah. Do something exciting with them. Just be like, Hey, maybe the new year, what's something we can do. That's a more that that's what we would both

consider adventurous. And let's share that experience together. And then when you get in bed, I don't know, fucking role play or something. I don't know. Do some weird shit where you, you know, scare yourself a little bit. Maybe that role playing is like,

you know, I don't know, but like you can mentally like, you know, there's other ways to elicit this type of feeling that you're seeking out without sabotaging your entire relationship that you cannot for the life of you seem to appreciate. Well, or, or point out anything that makes me say i don't know red flag maybe you know and like you've heard me a couple weeks ago some girl asked for a divorce so like i'm not

i don't i'm not taking sides i you know whatever but like i i'm not hearing that one yeah i'm not hearing anything from you that would suggest that, you know, this is something worth throwing away. I know. I think that's why I just get like so contentious because I'm like, oh my God, his family is great. I really like his family. But even if they weren't, who cares?

You're not marrying his family to a certain extent. I understand that people have some really shitty in-laws and that can be a problem, but stop thinking about his friends or his family and focus about what you have with him. What do you share with him? What do you appreciate about him and vice versa? It's all that matters. Okay.

And just take the pressure off. Yes. All right. Well, keep us posted. Let us know what you decide to do. Give us an update. Thank you.

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and finishes. We love that. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Anna.

Hi, Anna. How old are you? 36. How can I help? Well, I really like my boyfriend, but my friend thinks that he's using me for my car. Okay. Why do they think that? How long have you been dating?

Actually, a year from yesterday. Oh, congratulations. Happy anniversary. Yes and no, but we've broken up. Oh, you broke up? Yes. So you're ex-boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend.

Right. Did you break up with him? Well, long story short. So everything was doing great. You know, um, he met my friends.

I'm actually widowed. Um, and he met my widowed. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. It's okay. Um,

uh, we had a good, um, year with my late husband. Um, it was six years, but now I jumped into a relationship it my the ex-boyfriend now is younger than me all four years but he's doing great you know we're

doing great um he met my son so I was like okay um and then my friend so obviously I got involved my friend my my friends and, he worked in the city. I have my car and most of the time, like he would borrow my car for some reason for work. Or if it's a long, like he's working somewhere else and it's fine with me, you know, like I don't, I don't care all, you know, we're in a relationship and things like that. Then my friends got involved involved they were like um why is it that he's always using your car um or like we don't see him as he's treating you like a prince the prince's treatment that

we want you to you know have in a relationship and things like that i was like you know what um it's not that you know like you guys don't see it because we don't go out date with you guys we have our own time and you know like he's treating me good like if you borrow my car quick ass or take care of my car and things like that like good stuff so recently he's doing um personal stuff and we were having dinner at this Chinese place in our local city and he was excited he's like okay let's go eat dinner and I was like okay cool we ate dinner so he is in a hospitality industry and we usually like kind of like talk about like what the food's like you know and things like that during dinner and I was like I really don't like the food. Cause I'm like, you know, it's like, what's the hype of this food, you know?

And he thinks that I was rude and, you know, I've been eating the food. Like there's nothing wrong. Like, like it just doesn't meet my standard. Like, but I was not like, Oh, the food is not good. You know, and things like that. Then he's looking at me. He's like, um, I don't think that you're going to say that. And I was like, Ooh, I said that in the car and things like that then he's looking at me he's like um I don't think that you're gonna say that and I was like oh I said that in the car and things like that and he's like you don't understand

you know like I paid for dinner I want to have dinner with you and things like this but I already sense that there's something off with him so I just like I was not being rude. First, you always want me to know like what is the food grade and things like that. I was like, okay. So I dropped him off and that was Sunday. Monday, didn't text. So he told me, text me when I get home. I texted him, no response. The next morning, I didn't get morning text, whatever, hi baby, whatever, nothing at all.

Here comes Tuesday. Tuesday, he texted me around nine in the morning. And he's like, I hope you're doing well. And I was like, okay. I was like, good morning. How are you? And he said, I left midship in my work. And I was like, okay.

I already know something's off with work wise. So, but it was like brave of him, like just left the line, you know? And I was like, okay. So basically in my head, like, okay, you don't have a job anymore, you know, but he has something else that he can find, you know? And then he said, I want to talk to you about dinner, the dinner that we had and it was really bothering me and things like that and I was like okay I'm still at work talk to him and

I was like and I was like he calls me face at me all the time not a problem even my my work is fine and I was like okay you can talk to me you can call me he said I don't think that this is a good talk when while you're at work. And I was like, hmm? So I was confused. So I was like, okay, I'll be in my car then. Talk to me. Called me and he was expressing that, okay, I left my job and basically like break up with me FaceTime. And he said that I'm not 100% going to be a boyfriend for you right now.

And all like, and your friends are right, you know, and da-da-da. And I was like, what's going on? Like, it's just a lot of things, personally, that he is dealing right now. And I don't

understand what's going on. Like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going on like i don't know what to do i don't know what's going on either but listen i i think ultimately you're just trying to make sense of things where you don't like his behavior or what he is saying and i don't think it has anything to do with you not understanding what's going on it has to do with what you don't like what's going on okay you know if i were dating someone and they were to call me up and say i can only see you two days a week i can't tell you why uh also i i'm going out of town to europe for a couple weeks next month i can't't tell you why. And then all of a sudden,

then you saw them and they were starting acting weird. I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't understand maybe because he's not telling you. He's clearly not being upfront with you about what is thinking or feeling. And you're trying to understand him, but I think you just need to accept him. He's clearly doing things and you're trying to constantly give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you for whatever reason.

Yeah, he said that too during FaceTime. And he was like- So what do you want to understand? I've been trying to understand him, like everything else. But he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Right now. He said that.

He said he doesn't want to be with you right now. He said that I'm not good. I'm not good guy. I'm not a hundred percent boyfriend to you right now. He's doing personal stuff. He wants to be somebody that he wants to be. And I've been supporting him in any way. Clearly.

But I'm just saying, aren't you like, you should probably maybe stop supporting him. He says he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He says he can't be your boyfriend. He said he's not capable of giving you what you want or need. So why, uh,

you know, I, I, I be disappointed, be be sad be frustrated and those are all normal feelings but you're not accepting the reality and instead you're using his bizarre behavior as an excuse to say well i just don't understand and since you don't understand you're giving yourself permission to not accept his actions. Well, I don't understand. So you know what I should do? Instead of just taking his

actions at face value, I'll talk to my friends, I'll call into the show, and I'll spend all my energy trying to understand him. Because until I understand, there's still hope. Yes. And this is a bizarre thing that happens. Like I was waiting for your advice. So after that breakup, no contact, no, no, nothing at all. And then after a week, he texted me. Okay. He texted me like, Hey, how are you? And I was like, this is weird. So I responded and I was like, it's so i responded i was like it's not that weird why is it weird what was weird about it because i thought it was like okay that's the end of it you know like you said not right now well so maybe a week later he was just checking in he's not interested

in you dating other people and moving on from him he is what he is interested in the ability to do whatever he wants when he wants and be selfish and have you wait around, but you are, you're complying. So, and you're acting like all his behavior is like some puzzle that you have to figure out. You don't, you don't have to figure it out. Like he's not the first guy who asked for some distance and a week later reached out to check in. And you're acting like it's some sort of like crazy, unexplainable behavior that you have to absolutely figure out. And again, I get it. I get where you're coming from. I've been you. I've overanalyzed situations. I have refused to accept the reality of situations. So no judgment, but that is what

you're doing. And it sounds like your friends have picked up on some red flags and bad behaviors about your boyfriend that you've chosen to look the other way. You've dealt with some terrible loss with the passing of your husband, and that must have been sad and tragic, and it must have been really exciting to meet a new guy and have a new relationship with new beginnings and new reason to have hope, but this one didn't work out. And instead of making excuses for this guy, who's four years your junior and clearly even more immature than his age is even suggest, you are putting up with things that you shouldn't put up with and convincing yourself that you need to figure it out. There's nothing to figure out. And you know what's crazy? He was like,

that was the conversation. I thought I left something in his apartment and I didn't. And I was like, oh, he said, I'm going to give you some couple of things. And I was like, I didn't left anything in your apartment. And he said, a Tupperware. And in my opinion, in my, what I've known him, is this is his way of now I have a clear mind. I can speak to you. I can talk to you. Should I talk to him? Are you asking me? Yeah. Have you not been listening to what I've been saying? I know. I'm so torn. I don't know.

You know that I'm not going to find this conversation. I'm like, but I want clarification though. Like about what? Well, like about him, like, like all of a sudden we were fine. I want clarification though. About what? About him. All of a sudden we were fine and then you're dealing something about your personal stuff.

You're not fine. Right now he is testing his limits. He is pushing the boundaries. He is seeing what he can get away with. Now I'm telling you to pay attention to the red flags that your ex-boyfriend is showing you. And I'm suggesting you stop making excuses

for him and act like it's something you need to figure out so that you can fix the problem. He is the problem. Okay. Thank you. You're welcome. I always listen to you. This time I'll listen to you. We'll see.

We'll see. And I appreciate you listening to the show, but you clearly haven't been listening to my advice because you know i no no no no i was seeking help you know like but i want like a clear directing it to me like i i want that like hey wake up you know like you want him to appreciate you i get it he doesn't though and And we don't always get to choose the people who actually see us for what we're worth. Sometimes you don't get to get what you want. And, you know, I don't even think you really want him that much, but you're just caught up in the chase. So I think you need to maybe let this one go. Okay.

Or not. You know, it's up to you. But I don't think you're going to get any less frustrated with this man. Yeah. I don't know. I'm sorry get any less frustrated with this man. Yeah. I don't know. I'm sorry. This is hard. It's okay.

This is hard because my son, it wasn't involved for my son. Your son's only known him for a year. Directly for me. How old's your son? Eight. Okay, he's eight. He'll be fine. He'll forget about it.

I know. He'll be fine. Yeah, I know. I'm just saying, stop making it worse than it is. I know it sucks, but don't make yourself feel bad or make it worse or start you know saying oh he knew my son and don't go into that whole pity party stage i know i would if i were you i'd get angry why because he's been wasting your time and you've put up with it and you have listened to his bullshit and you have allowed him to push your limits and not respect your boundaries

and he has confused you to the point of frustration and you have invested a lot of your energy and time trying to figure out his bullshit. And if I were you, I would be mad. And maybe a little bit mad at yourself for not listening to what you knew deep down was right and being a little scared for doing the right thing and choosing yourself

yeah i would be i would be mad sad i mean you you have your son's health you got your health you're a beautiful woman you have friends you have a lot to be thankful for so you know i really think anger is the energy you should channel to help get over this wow okay i try. I'll really try to be angry, but I already passed that already. I just, I'm on like acceptance. Like it's okay. You know, like whatever. I don't think you're on acceptance yet, but I think you can get there. Okay.

Um, yeah. We'll see. We'll see. I mean, but I don't know. Thank you. You know what I think you should do? What? You don't know?

Not talk to him. Okay. Yeah. Move on. Yes. Move on. Say goodbye. Move on.

Move on. Say goodbye. Yes. Goodbye. He's not your buddy. He's not your friend. He doesn't want to be in your life. I wouldn't give him access to you.

I wouldn't let him have crumbs. I wouldn't let him have his cake and eat it too. I would say goodbye. And if he wants to drastically change his behavior and go out of his way to show you and prove to you that he is fully committed to being the partner that you deserve, then sure, maybe you can consider it. But until then, yeah, I'd say goodbye. Okay. One last question. If he reached out and he said, I'm ready to talk to you, I'm ready to be that, you know, fully committed and things like that, should I give him a chance? I would first ask, like, how do you, you know, how, how would you, how do you plan on doing that? I would doubt him a little bit.

I would, I wouldn't just say, okay. Okay, I'll ask a lot of questions. But he's not going to do that. What he's going to do is a much lesser version. He's going to say, he's going to make excuses for why he's can. He'll make you feel bad for saying goodbye. And he'll make up excuses as to why he, you should allow him in his life at his convenience. That's what he'll do.

And if he does any of that, you should just say no. Okay. Good luck. Thank you, Nick. All right. All right. Bye-bye. I Good luck. Thank you, Nick. All right. All right. Bye-bye. I appreciate you.

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How can we help? My best friend of five years told me that he was in love with me after I just had my third baby. Okay. Are you married in a relationship no so I had twin girls and me my friend we're still friends like we we've never like the all like the little pieces are I've never like picked up with my friend I've never kissed him I've never anything we've always just been very normal girl boyfriends and i was in like toxic relationship i ended up getting pregnant with twins a year later i move out end the relationship with my

baby daddy and i find out i'm pregnant again so i'm like okay um so you got pregnant with your original baby daddy and prior to you leaving that relationship finally you had already gotten pregnant yeah all right so the month the month after i i was moved out with my two girls in my own home no boyfriend no baby daddy pregnant okay and i went through the whole pregnancy my friend came uh my guy friend came to visit me when i was 39 weeks pregnant and prior to that visit kind of changing the context of our conversation like being more flirty and it was kind of confusing i was like i don't really like this is new this is different but like I just kind of went along with it. He is cute.

Like, I do find him attractive. I just never like opened up my thoughts to being in a relationship with him or anything other than that. And so some things are kind of going on. I was talking to one of my best friends and she was like, this is weird. Like, I kind of like it, though. And I was like, I'm not mad about it, but I'm pregnant. Like, that's strange.

Like, it's just kind of a weird thing to navigate. So he admitted his feelings while you were still pregnant? No, but it was starting to go from like, oh, hey, dude or hey, girl. You notice a change in his behavior while you're still pregnant. Okay. Yeah. Like kind of implying like, oh, you look really like saying that I'm like actually attractive or things like that. And it was kind of like, okay, but I don't know. So you kind of saw it coming, so to speak.

Utah. So he, he drove and came to visit and I was kind of excited. I was like, well, now I get to like be in person and kind of see what these weird texts are kind of been doing. And then my water ended up breaking while he was in town. And it was just this really strange, like overwhelming amount of like emotion. I would say like, I kind of wanted him to be there with me during my labor. I like, didn't want him to leave. And he, and it was just kind of weird. I had had kids before it's a vulnerable time. And, you know, like I wasn't sick to my baby daddy to be there anyway, because we had been fighting. And that was kind of one of the precedents because I was having a home birth. So I didn't have to go anywhere. I'm just at home. And the baby daddy's sick anyway. But my guy friend said, well, I shouldn't be here. And I was like, yeah, right. You shouldn't be here. But in my head, I'm like,

why do I want you here so bad? I want you to hold my hand while I'm giving birth. I'm like, I've never kissed you. Why would I want you to give birth to a baby? while I'm giving birth. I'm like, I've never kissed you. Why would I want you to give birth to a baby? So it was a weird wake up call for me feeling wise. So then I give birth. And about three days later, he like calls me like, how is everything? How do you feel? And I'm like, you know, we just kind of chat. And then he was started texting me like, I've been in love with you. Since after you had your twins. I just didn't really tell you. And then you got pregnant again. And I just like, didn't know what to say, but seeing you,

like I have so much respect for you. Like you go through, like you're doing all of these things. I'm in love with you. I never let myself realize that I, what kind of love it was. Like I always knew I cared about you but I'm in love with you and I was like well that's kind of weird because like oddly like the most bizarre thing is you I want to tell him like I love you too because I've known him for so long but loves a lot of things so I was okay with that I'm like, I don't know. It's that the connection was like so weird.

Like the draw to each other was so different because I've known him for six years. He used to live here. He just recently moved like two years ago. So I used to see him a lot more. So he doesn't live in your hometown? No, we became friends in my hometown. Then he moved away.

Yeah. He was here for about four years of our friendship. And then the last two, he was out in Arizona. What did you say to him when he said, I'm in love with you? I said, love's like a lot of things. I said, I do love you. I do care about you. And I can't really deny the fact that when you came down here, things felt way different.

And I liked it. Like, I was like, I want to see where this would go. You said that to him? Yeah. Okay. And then so for like six weeks, we talked like every day, which was not what our relationship was before we checked in with each other when he moved away. So this was like a new thing.

He talked to me like all day, every day we were texting and he just continued to say like really like emotional things, like about how much he loves my daughters and like how he just wants this family life and like more kids and saying like how he like could see me as his like wife, like not even love bombing, but just like almost like a really deep unloading of emotion. Yeah. I mean, just because someone just kind of says, I love you after a long period of time doesn't mean it's love bombing. Okay. Yeah. Love bombing is a manipulation tactic when they're trying to elicit a response,

you know? Yeah. Anyway. So where are we now? And what can I help with? Because so far I'm just hearing, yeah, it's a very unique story for sure. But you seem like you're into it. Like after talking for six weeks, like, how do you still feel about him? Well, no, it's been four months now. He told me that he thinks I'm still in love with my baby daddy. He doesn't want to do this anymore. And he's not ready for a relationship. Oh i was like wait where did it oh yeah i was like wait i didn't think we were in like a relationship i thought we were just kind of like exploring feelings and like talking and kind of changing our relationship so he's kind of reverse course on you yeah like totally flip-flop and then he's like i can't do this i'm not ready

to be in a relationship i don't want to be in a relationship. I said, okay. I didn't think that I didn't think you were my boyfriend. Like, but like, I was like, whoa, like backpedaling, like what's going on. And then we just don't talk. Like we kind of just got into a fight. He said some things that were like kind of rude and telling me that I was in love with my baby daddy. I was like, that was a really toxic relationship. And I'm proud that I got out of it. I'm not in love with him still. And did that come out of left field? Like, why do you think he said that? Like, when was the last time you brought up your baby daddy to him?

Or have, I mean, I don't know, maybe you've seen him because of, obviously, your co-parenting or whatever. But why do you think he said that? And do you think he had any actual reason to say that? Or was that, like, a get-out-of-jail-free-car attempt? I think it was, like, a weird thing weird thing where maybe like whatever he was going on he just kind of like something to put on me maybe a little bit yeah maybe um because i did it like i was pregnant so he was the baby daddy was coming over to help put the girls to bed sometimes because i'd be sick or like just big and there's two of them but he was

only there for about an hour and we're not together for a reason so there's always like a little bit of drama but I always had boundaries I was going to therapy and like in like implementing these new boundaries constantly so it's kind of weird that he said it I think it was out of left field I mean my baby daddy would even make comments of like you you don't even look at me anymore. I don't understand why you treat me like this. So I'm like, I'm like not nice to him. And I certainly don't have an overly friendly relationship with him at all. So it was left field. Me and my guy friend do not talk for a couple of weeks. And I reach out and I just say, hey, it's almost the holidays. I don't want us to not have a friendship based off of this. Like I would like to be able to send pictures, like to be able to do things.

And can we just like chalk it up to it is what it is and just kind of go back to how things were. And he was like, yes. Can I backpedal? Sure. I asked him, I said, if we don't talk, I get a new boyfriend. I do whatever. Is that going to bother you?

And he said, just yes. I said, are you going to like miss the concept of talking to me? Are you going to like, is this an issue? Did you not mean anything that you said to me? He said, no, I meant everything. And I was like, what the heck? And so I guess what I want to know is he's moving to Florida now because he had to get a new job, but he's still making these like, kind of like curious comments of like, I asked him about his job but he's still making these like kind of like curious comments of like I asked him about his job and he said well I get flights every month like say like if that like I don't know like where you're gonna fly to I don't know and he was gonna visit me on Thanksgiving but he had to go to the new job meeting and he's like how's your holidays going I said if they're okay

um he's like well don't worry they won't be like that forever i can promise you that i'm like what like i want to tell him can you just not hook up people in florida and when you like do you want do you want anything from me ever because i don't really have the time to date anyways but i would give him the time of day, but I'm not trying to be on a dating app. I don't know how to navigate it because honestly, our entire family, his family, my family, my best friend,

everyone thinks we should be together. It's always kind of in my face. And oddly enough, even though I've never like kissed him, hooked up with him or anything like that. Wait, in the four months that you guys were trying it out or trying to make it work you didn't even kiss nope i've never kissed him in six years i've never even like why not anything um i don't know because we were always just he said he always kept me at like a certain distance because he didn't feel like he was uh like good enough for

me like he wasn't ready to have a relationship with somebody serious. How old is this guy? Uh, 29. No, 30, 30. He just turned 30.

How old are you? 30. I'll be 31 in April. Has he ever had any like serious relationships? No, he kind of tries to. And then like after a month, it's over,

but he also picked very like, um, I think girls that like, aren't ready for relationships either. Oh, so he has a pattern of pursuing unavailable women yeah and i definitely think he does have things to work on like and i told him that when we first started talking in a more i guess romantic way i was like you do have things to work on i said but we can like we don live close. We can talk through things like see if we are compatible

in that way. But he always seems to like kind of run away from it, but still kind of hold me in this place where it's like, I'll be there. You're beautiful. I love your children. I want to be in your life. All right. So listen, he, he just seems just as confusing as probably all the other guys you've had in your your life so if i'm understanding you correctly you're calling because you want to figure out how to navigate this situation going forward yeah yes like should i be a little bit pushier in the sense of like if you are going to say these things can we make like a precedent like you're not gonna he he says he hasn't and i believe him he's like i'm not planning on hooking up people i don't want to hook up with anyone i don't know i mean you're not you're not in a

relationship with him so he can do whatever the heck he wants and you haven't even kissed him so it'd be weird for you to ask him not to hook up with other people and also the last time it sounds like you've checked in with him was to go back as you said to where things were being platonic friends there's no clear lines in terms of expectations, boundaries between the two of you. And I don't like the fact that, I don't think this is love bombing, but I think what he is is maybe a little immature and a little careless with his feelings. For him to say, I'm in love with you and I've been in love with you the whole time, and then four months later say, I'm not ready for relationship. I don't want a relationship. Listen, like you,

you have two young twins, you have another newborn baby, like you have a lot going on. And as an immature 30 year old man, that would be a lot of responsibility for him to take on. And you know, you still, despite you being over your baby daddy, so to speak, he's still involved in your life and that can get complicated. So right now, I think, I think you need to take charge of this relationship with your friend, so to speak. And right now you're very passive, you know, it's, it's like, Oh, you know, what do you think? You're asking him if he's okay with this or that. He's going to Florida now.

I mean, it's all kind of messy. It's all, yeah. So if I were you, I would, you know, next time you speak, I would say some version of like, listen, I hope you know I care about you. And I would just kind of come clean. I would just say, listen, like, also, you have to take into consideration that it was kind of, in some ways, incredibly selfish of him to express his feelings to you at the time that he did. And, you know, listen. It was hard. Well, I mean, you had just had another baby. You're a single mother of three twins and a newborn baby. You have a lot going on.

And then he hits you with this, I love you. And that's fine if he had his feelings. But for him to backtrack is bullshit, you know? And it's kind of fucked up, you know? And listen, like, we say things and we get scared about our feelings. And, you know, again, I'm not accusing of being a love bomber or having malice intent or anything, but his immaturity and his carelessness still affected you. That's the thing. You know, when people like nowadays we throw out these words like love bomber and narcissist and blah, blah, blah, because sometimes people's words and actions will have an effect on people and it'll be hurtful.

And then we want to name it with like, oh, well, they're just narcissistic and they're a love bomber. And sometimes it's this plain old like, you know, carelessness and immaturity and selfishness. You know, it's like he's not thinking about your feelings or what this was like for you. And he's kind of immature and a little bit reckless. That has led to all of this. Doesn't make him a narcissistic love bombing monster. It just makes him a little bit of a boy, so to speak, who's gotten a little ahead of himself and doesn't really know how to operate his feelings for someone who just got out of a toxic relationship, who's a mother of three young three very young children. And so you need to

take charge. And first of all, you need to ask yourself, is this person, this friend of yours, really capable of actually being in the type of relationship that you need right now? Again, you are a mother of three young kids. So what kind of man do you need in your life? You can't be wasting your time on men who are very unsure about where they're at in their life, unsure about their feelings, go from one job to another, moving from one state to another, you know, you need stability. And for whatever reason, you know, again, you just got to have a, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're considering going from one toxic relationship to another, you know?

I guess. Yes. And I wasn't yet. And again, like toxic relationship, you know, I yes and i wasn't yet and again like toxic relationship you know i'm sure you went in the last relationship you got into like a toxic relationship can just become can be caused by two people like not setting expectations setting boundaries following through with that enforcing it not giving into your own selfish needs not thinking selfishly like and things like that and this pattern that you have of,

of kind of just waiting around and being passive with your relationships and allowing these men to kind of dictate the pace in which these relationships go is a pattern you need to break. Valid. So I would love you to take charge of this relationship. And if I were you, back to like what I would do is just say, hey, listen, I have a lot going on right now, and I honestly just don't have time to go back and forth with you. And this whole stop making a confusing situation more confusing. You're not going back to where you were. That's impossible. There's no such thing as a time machine. You can't pretend things didn't happen. That's called delusion. To sit there and say, well, let's just pretend we didn't say, I love you to each other, or he didn't say, I'm in love with you. Let's just pretend that never happened. Let's just pretend that for four months, we didn't talk every day and try to see if we can make a relationship work only for you to say, just kidding. I'm not ready for a relationship

right now. You can't pretend that didn't happen. So don't entertain the idea that you are capable of pretending it didn't happen. Don't be delusional. Fair. Okay? Fair. So you need to say, listen, we need to stop being delusional. We can't pretend that we didn't say this to each other. I have a lot going on right now. I need to focus on my three kids. I don't appreciate you telling me how I feel about other people.

Like if you respected me, you would respect and trust that if I tell you I'm over my ex, then I'm over my ex. And whatever you need to work on and your insecurities that you have going on about this relationship, that's something you need to work on. But don't put that on me. I haven't given you any reason to think that I'm not over my ex. I'm like, listen, I have three kids with this guy. That's just the reality of the situation. So he's going to be in my life on some level. And I trust my ability to have healthy boundaries with him. And you need to trust me as well. And you need to

find... I did. Yeah. And when he did say that, I did actually do that. Great. And then... What did he say? He didn't don't want me, but he was just like, okay, sure. But I'm not ready for a relationship. So it doesn't matter. And I was like, great. Well, then you shouldn't be talking to him. Listen, I, and I get you're in a tough spot. Like I'm sure you being a single mother of three, it's nice to have his companionship. It's nice to be able to call him and talk to him. Yeah. Cause when he visited to like, he was so good with my

girls and he like helped me and like, that's great he's only he's only capable of doing it you know for like a few days yeah when he feels like it and like it's he's using you in a way yeah to feel like maybe he has some these like things that he wants yeah because he wants a family he wants kids he wants a relationship but he's not putting in effort to do it yeah so take him at his word He says he's not ready for a relationship. And it's really cruel of him to pop into your life, to get to know your girls, to make you feel like you have some stability. And then for him to like a couple of days later, be like, oh, just kidding. I can't do this. This is too hard for me. This is not more than I bargained for. You know, if he is a 30 year old man, doesn't realize that dating a single mom with three young kids is a lot of responsibility, then he's not your guy.

Yeah. And don't let men use you as like a trial run for what it's like to be a dad. Yes. And like you said, it was really hard. Postpartum is weird as it is. But it's almost like I wish he didn't say it. But he did. He's got to let it go.

It's hard to let it go. It's hard to let it go. Like it was, it would be like, if I could write down the perfect things I'd want to hear from somebody, he said those things. So I guess it's just like, yeah. But like, you know, people say things all the time and they don't mean it. Yeah. All the time. It's way easier to say things and much harder to show them. No, that is true. It's easy to say you're, you know,

I care about you. I mean, think about all the women who've called on the show and all these guys who say things like, I care about you. You're like, you're the only one I'm talking to. And like, yo, and like, you're so special and you're so wonderful, but I can't have a, I can't be in a relationship right now. I can only hang out here. I can't hang out there. Like their actions show that that's, they're not willing to make you a priority, especially when it comes to people claiming what's a priority to them or not. You can only show through your actions what's a priority. Saying what's a priority to you is fairly meaningless. Okay. Like you show people what's a priority for you through your actions. Yeah. Which is very relevant to my other situation.

Sure. Well, and him too. And his priority right now is this guy, your friend's priority is his job, his personal life. Your friend's priority is himself right now. Him saying, I'm in love with you on the heels of you having a baby while you're postpartum you know like is that's all he all the only person he's cared about in that moment was himself he wanted to say it i mean again it's a real selfish fucking move for him to say that to you and then backtrack i'm in love with you but i can't be in a relationship with you fuck off like yeah that that would be the angry side of the situation for me for sure well then you know maybe get more angry breaking up with me yeah still in postpartum too like yeah you know so why like why you like why are you entertaining this guy anymore not definitely not entertaining just i guess well now kind of like you know like kind of

got a little reality slap but um in a good way but the little comment i should just kind of like shut them down like what little comments um like don't worry your holidays aren't going to be like this forever like i'll promise you that yeah what the fuck is that that's bullshit yeah he just got he's full of shit the scariest thing when it comes to the things that people say that they don't mean is that they mean it that he probably he probably believes is bullshit you know what i'm saying it's so easy to claim you're going to do something in the future because the future is not here yet. And you might have all the intentions of being like, well, I meant it. I thought I was going to do this, but life changes. And then as life happens,

they have a new excuse as to why they couldn't do that. You know what they'll say? Well, I didn't expect this to happen. I meant it when I said it back then. How was I able to predict the future? Blah, blah, blah. As if they're a victim. It's so easy to make a promise about the future. Blah, blah, blah. As if they're a victim. Yeah. It's so easy to make a promise about the future because you can blame the unknown on why you didn't fulfill your promise. Yeah. And everyone just kind of keeps telling me

like he has like a plan. He's going to get his like savings like situated and... Well, that's great. And until he figures out his life, you are single. You're a free agent. You focus on being a mom. Stop wasting your time wondering when this guy is going to get

his shit figured out. And listen, if he really cares about you, if he's really in love with you, the more you play hard to get and the more you just give the energy, like, I don't have time for your immaturity and bullshit, the harder he'll chase. That won't be the hard part. The hard part will, for you, will be trying to figure out whether this guy actually is sincere or if he's actually ready to be in a committed relation with you because he has proven his willingness to say things that he doesn't mean. And he has proven his willingness to say things that he is not prepared to back up with his actions. Yeah. And so like moving forward, if he does make these kind of like remarks where you're like, this is implying to us or me or whatever,

just shut it down or just ignore it. Shut it down. We only talk like maybe every couple of weeks. I wouldn't talk anymore. I would just be like, next time he reaches out, just be like, hey, listen, I'm not trying to be rude, but like, I care about you. It really messed me up. You saying you were in love with me and then pulling back and just say, call it, name it. I was delusional to think that we could remain friends and go backwards. We can't.

We, you know. It's like either move forward or. So you need to figure your shit out. No, I would even say you're not, you're not ready to be in a relationship with me. I need a man who has his shit together. I need someone who doesn't say one thing and then do another. And I need someone who's grown up and capable of being in a relationship with someone who's a single mother of three.

And I don't think you are right now. And I hope that changes. But right now, I need to focus on my children. And I can't be playing fuckboy games. And I can't be stuck in some sort of bullshit situationship. And this whole back and forth and empty promises about the future, I just don't have time for. I don't have time for hope. Right now, I need to focus on me and my children.

And I need to be present. I only have time for people who can back up their words with their actions. And I care about you and I'm not trying to be rude, but I just don't have time for this. You coming going in and out of my life is really hard on me. And quite honestly, I think it's kind of selfish. And if you figure your shit out and you can actually follow through with the things that you say, then give me a call. But until then, I just don't think we can't go back to what we had. Okay.

I think that's pretty good advice. You have good advice. So that was a good reality check for it. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this, but you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.

You seem like you have a good support system and you have friends. And listen, this guy just needs to grow up a little bit. And maybe he's a swell guy and maybe he is your guy, but he is clearly, and listen, I would be understandable if he's a little scared about jumping into a relationship with, you know, in your situation, you have a lot going on. And so under three, so it's three under three. But yeah, the more, but like, that's what I'm saying. If I were you, I want you to focus on stability. I want you to embrace things that bring stability in your life. The people who bring stability in your life, because the more stability you have in your life, the more attractive you'll be for anyone. And there's an element of instability that I think you're presenting to this friend of yours that maybe is giving him pause. And understandably so, right? So I think you just need to focus on healthy rules and boundaries with your ex, with the people around you. And just if it's stable, then yes. If it's not stable, if it's confusing, if it's unpredictable, remove that from your life. And then focus on healthy

boundaries, healthy rules that you can enforce, hold people accountable. And if people can't follow your healthy boundaries and healthy rules, then you don't have time for them. And that includes friends, families, and potential lovers. And the more you focus on that and the more you bring that into your life, the easier it will be for you to enforce those boundaries and you will attract the right people. Yeah. Yes. I agree with that. And the more you present having your shit together, if this guy really is just scared about the instability that you currently have

going on, maybe that will ease his frustrations, but he still needs to grow up and step up and he needs to have stability and he still needs to back up his words with his actions. Yes, I agree. Yeah, that's good. Because everyone else around me is obsessed with the concept of us being together. So I feel like I can never get out of it. Yeah, it's a fantasy. Yeah. It's a fun fantasy story and maybe maybe it will come true. But right now you need to deal with reality. You have too much at stake. You have too much going on. And playing out a fantasy with your friends about something that just isn't real, you don't have time for that bullshit right now. You got kids to raise and you're still young. You're a beautiful

woman. You have a lot going for you just get your shit together bring stability into your and your kids lives and i promise you like things will get better i agree thank you all right good like yeah reality i love that no that's good keep us posted 24 yeah keep us posted we'd love an update on the next time when you know you interact with this guy and what you actually say to him and see if you take our advice. But we absolutely wish you the best. Yeah, no, thank you. And congratulations on your three wonderful children. And you too.

Thank you. Aren't you having... Yeah, you're having a baby too. Soon. Yeah, soon to come. All right. Well, good luck. Keep us posted. I can't wait to hear an update. Okay, awesome. Thank you. All right, take care. All right, bye-bye. keep us posted can't wait to hear an update

okay awesome thank you alright take care alright bye bye thanks for listening don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com

we'll see you again tomorrow it's gonna be wild bye