The Viall Files - E695 Ask Nick - I’m Attractive, You’re Just Drunk

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. Before getting to our callers, Ali shares her near-death experience getting locked outside of the house at night, without a jacket, and in the snow… Then we get to our callers. Our first caller is getting mixed signals from one of his guy friends. “If I was gay, I’d be into you”... is he in the closet, or just very friendly? Our second caller met his girlfriend on Twitter, and is struggling with their 800 mile long-distance relationship. She said she was fine with him dating other people, but he’s ready to commit to her. Our final caller has a boyfriend who struggles with alcohol, lashes out, and “doesn’t always find her attractive.” She doesn't know how to kick him out, because he lives in her house and can’t afford the rent.   “Embrace being the bad guy, but don’t feel bad about it. Embrace standing up for yourself.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Hinge - Manifest the dating experience you want this year. Download Hinge and find someone worth deleting the app for. Squeezed.com - Visit https://www.squeezed.com and use code VIALL for same day local delivery or Free Fast delivery nationwide  Vessi - Head over to https://www.vessi.com/VIALL to explore their versatile collection and claim your 15% discount on your first order. BetterHelp -  Celebrate the progress you’ve already made. Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam  @dereklanerussell

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The New York Times is calling it a murder mystery with clothes to die for, and Vox adding that it should be your new reality TV obsession. We are certainly obsessed. Stream every episode of Traders Now only on Peacock. It's a new year and that means new opportunities to make new connections. But when it comes to dating, it can be tough to put yourself out there and know where to start. And that's why we are excited to talk to you about Hinge, the dating app that is designed to be deleted. When it comes to dating, it's all about getting those questions going, you know, getting the conversation going. You guys are both nervous. You don't know what to talk about. And that's where those famous Hinge prompts come in. Isn't that right, Allie?

Yes. The Hinge prompt I would like to talk about today, which is currently on my profile, is what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I said, a princess dog walker, because why can't a girl be both? It's like one of those things where you always think, oh, what an obvious great question that I never thought about. Well, let Hinge do the heavy lifting when it comes to thinking of those basic, simple, fun, engaging questions that get the conversation going. Maybe it's a good time to refresh those prompts, maybe update your bio. Manifest the dating experience you want this year. Download Hinge and find someone worth deleting the app going. Maybe it's a good time to refresh those prompts, maybe update your bio, manifest the dating experience you want this year, download Hinge, and find someone worth deleting the app for. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition.

I'm your host Nick. Join with me as always the faithful OG Allie. What's going on Allie? Faithful. The faithful. Someone texted me today and they were like, why did Nick call you old faithful? You sound like a national park. Old faithful.

I don't know. You've been with me forever, you know? Forever and ever. Amen. Not like three and a half years now. I don know would you like a different title alley preferably not like old like old faithful like we'll pick one um my number one were you my right hand what's your uh alter ego name probably something like colonial i just wanted to like head west in a wagon and wear a bonnet for the longest time i was also obsessed with sacagawea love that bitch okay good to know all right i hope you had a great weekend i hope it was fun safe wonderful enjoyable we have some great uh episodes for you this week excited to bring them to you first

obviously we have our callers which should should be entertaining, if nothing else, and hopefully we'll all learn a little bit along the way. Before we get to our first writer-inner, I want to let you know that we have some banger episodes for you this week. We got The Bachelor premiering tonight, so there is that. So, you know, we'll watch that, see how Joey's doing, see what he's up to, the ladies that are going to be fighting for his love. Hopefully it's entertaining. We'll talk about it, obviously, a little bit tomorrow. But in addition to talking about that tomorrow, tomorrow's a special episode.

It's a reality recap slash going deeper hybrid. Because the one, the only Kylie Russell is with us. Talk about her Bachelor in Paradise experience, specifically with Avon, how that relationship started, where it went, and then ultimately how it ended with Avon cheating on her multiple times, which Kylie announced on her social media. And she's been dealing with that heartbreak for some time, but she very graciously flew to LA to share her experience of what that was like, what happened, the fallout, where is she now, and it's certainly an episode you will not want to miss. And then on Thursday, we have Taylor Greene from Southern

Charm. We had the benefit of having Olivia with us not too long ago, mid-season. Well, their season has wrapped, The two reunion special has concluded, and we finally got a chance to sit down with Taylor to talk about all the drama that she's been in this season, which it sounds like, I mean, she's pretty much been in drama with everyone from Olivia to Shep to Austin to JT and kind of everyone else. But we finally had a chance to talk with Taylor to get those questions to ask her. Where is she at with Olivia now? Is there a friendship ever to be saved? What role has she played in this?

What accountability is she willing to take when it comes to this drama? I think it's a very eye-opening episode and one that we enjoyed conducting with Taylor. And I think you're going to enjoy listening to it even more. So it's a big week ahead for all you Vile Fowl faithful, the Vifys, whatever you want to call it, the household, really. Honestly, you guys are an extension of us.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This month has been... It's a big month. I told you guys this month would be epic. I told you that it would be monumental and shocking. Did I lie?

And it's not done. It's not done. We still have more jaw-dropping episodes banked and ready to go. Jaw-dropping, butt-clenching. Just keep those jaws on the floor. Are you getting nervous to have your baby? Absolutely not.

Zero nerves. Just excitement all the way around. Truly, I don't, you know, like, nervous in the sense that I want everything to go happy and healthy and, you know, and all in the sense that I want everything to go happy and healthy and I, you know, and all those things. I got a really cute picture of her yesterday. Does she still have your nose?

I think so. Yeah. She's cute though. She got some pudgy, pudgy lips. Love that. Less filler for her later in life. Yeah, I guess. Here, I'll send you a pic.

Tell me what you think. She's just the cutest. Wait, actually, I do have updates on my life nicholas oh i feel like i'm entering like uh there's my child oh you sent it to my computer oh my god look at those cheeks i know right she's already got some pudgy cheeks yeah and she definitely does have a little duck face going on yeah she's taking a selfie she's ready yeah she found her light you know natalie shoved a little ring light up there. No, what's funny is that right now she is a breach.

Is it breach? Birch, breach, breach, whatever. Breach, but she's head down. Nope. She flipped again. So she was head down from like a couple of days ago. And then we went and had this doctor's appointment. And this is the one where the special And we've done a few times.

You really get some good images. She knew she was coming for a photo shoot. Basically, she went and found her life because when they're head down, there's less room. And the way these ultrasounds work, if there's more fluid and then she's in a space where there's more fluid, you get a better image. So we couldn't get the image when she was head down. So she conveniently flipped for us. So I could send you this very, very cute picture.

Is this what happens when you have influencers for parents? Yeah, she already knows. So she found her light within the womb. She literally was like, use my code, baby V. Yeah, she's adorable. That's a Gerber baby right there. Amen. That should be her first gig out of the womb. All right. So what's up with your life? What's going on? No, I was just thinking, I forgot to tell you about this I was like I had two

Men asking me What I was doing last weekend Two And then I had to tell one that I couldn't hang out with them Because I was hanging out with the other one So I'm just handing out roses left and right So what's the problem Why is this

This sounds like promising stuff Even if it's not promising. I don't know if it is because I don't know if I actually want anything with either of them. But don't complain about not having. You're getting attention. Sure. Maybe not the attention you want. So you got a couple of guys.

Do you want to tell you're getting locked out of the house story? Should I? Okay. So I was hanging out. We should give the guys names. I was hanging out with one of them on Should I? Okay. So I was hanging out. We should give the guys names. I was hanging out with one of them on Saturday night. Okay. And I was hanging out with him and his brother-in-laws.

And I was like, we're going to be drinking. So I'm going to Uber and be safe. I go home. It takes a while to get home. So it's probably after like midnight. I'm here by myself. So no one come to rob me please um and I pull up and my uber driver like yeets away like went super fast and we live in a very like remote area and so I go up to the garage and I type in the code and it

does not work I type in the code probably 10 times and it's just like flashing at me like it's i've put in the wrong code but i know i have it and i come to the conclusion that like it has frozen because we're like what negative five never negative six and i was like it either the battery died or it's frozen you're not wearing a coat yeah yeah because that was somehow inconvenience for you i didn't think think I was going to be outside. You're not a girl going to a club. I've never been a girl going to a club. Yeah, but anyways, it's that cold.

You should have a coat, even at the ready. Okay. All right. Lesson for next time. Gloves and a coat. Will not open, will not open. And I have keys for the exterior doors of the house. But because I am staying by myself, I have purchased additional locks and bars that I've

jammed into every potential door or lock to barricade myself in. So even if I could unlock it, I can't get through the second thing that I have barricading the doors. And so then I think to myself, I was like, my neighbor's front door is always open. I'm starting to panic at this point. And I run across the street and I try to open their door locked. So I ring their doorbell. No one answers. Now I'm really starting to panic. My phone is at 1%. So I do a Hail Mary call to my dad, who's an hour ahead of me. And he picks up and I'm sobbing, shaking in the middle of the snowbank, basically being like, I'm on the garage door.

Can you open it? And then literally my phone dies. And I'm like, and now I die. Here's where I die. And then like a valiant night, the garage door started open because he has an app on his phone. And I got inside and I called them from our landline and explained the whole situation. Well, I'm glad you're not dead. You could have died, Allie. You could have. I know.

Either that or you're going to start banging on some doors. No, I literally, I attract chaos. I'm a very methodical, analytical planner person. But for some reason, I end up in these situations that are not good. Well, you don't wear a coat when it's negative five degrees out and you didn't charge your phone. And these are very simple fixes, Allie. It's maybe you attract chaos less and enjoy drama more. I didn't want to die in a snowbank. No, but I do think you enjoy drama. Okay. How so? We all enjoy drama.

But yeah, like you said, you are an incredibly reliable, capable, competent person that magically somehow drops the ball from time to time that leads to drama. And these are very avoidable things that you're just choosing not to do. Why? I don't know. But maybe your subconscious just loves the drama. But hey, thanks for the story. I would have just liked for the garage door to open and then none of this would have happened.

No, I know. I know. Because I was trying to do the responsible. I'm like, I'm in an Uber. I have my keys. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? I was like, I thought all my boxes were checked.

But clearly, you know that you need to wear a winter coat in the middle of the night I had a little one it's negative five out I know you should have a I will say my winter coat is in Chicago useless my mom's supposed to pick it up next month I am glad you're safe and alive Ellie thank you can you imagine if like what would you do if I just didn't show up on Monday? Like, would you immediately think death or? No, I wouldn't. But like, can you imagine? Yeah. She froze to death outside.

Oh my God. How terrible. And that could have happened. I know. I have friends whose friend died on their, his front lawn from Green Bay, Wisconsin. And he went home from the bars and the next morning he was dead, frozen on his front lawn because he got so drunk and locked out of his house. Yeah. True story. That happened because your blood's thinner. And if you were inebriated and your phone was, and you didn't like have the

wherewithal because you were inebriated to bang on some doors, you, yeah, it wouldn't, 20 minutes later you'd be dead. So I glad you're not so yeah be safe uh all right well we have an amazing episode lined up for you don't forget to send those questions at ask nick at the vile files.com for all things ask nick texting office hours mediation you know the drill it's a big exciting week do not miss it tell all your friends what we got lined up it's going to be a lot of fun thanks for sticking sticking with us. We love you. Let's get to work, all right? Question time with me.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Thomas. I'm 28.

My guy friend claims to be straight, but it's actually to say otherwise. Are you gay or straight? I am, yeah. You are? I'm gay, yeah. Okay. to be straight, but it's actually to say otherwise. Are you gay or straight? I am, yeah. You are? I'm gay, yeah. Okay. And are you interested in your friend? I am very interested in my friend, yeah. Tell me more.

I've been talking to him for over a year or so. When I first met this guy, he was pretty interested in me compared to all the other guys that I've been speaking to. And don't get me wrong, I do speak to a lot of guys who are in the closet. This guy was a bit different. He actually showed that he kind of cared in every way. He was very touchy with me, sent me good morning messages every morning. Everything about him just makes me think

that there's something more to it than just a random hookup or something like that. How long have you been friends with him? Just over a year. Okay. How did you guys become friends? So we became friends through one of my other friends so basically all his friends think that he's gay

so they all pushed me towards him so that's how we started talking so you had other friends they thought hey we think our friend's gay we want to introduce you to yeah why don't you just ask him? Well, I did. You did. So yeah. Yeah. And so I did ask him and he was like, no, he's like, no, I'm not,

I'm not into that. He's like, but like, you know, if I ever was like, you would be the guy. That's a weird response. Yeah,

I know. So it left me in the cliffhanger. So then we just kept talking. I brought it up with him like three times. Like, man, like you have to be or like and i don't want to force it out of it because like that's not the type of person i am but like at the same time we'd be going to parties and like your hands on my fucking

thigh and you and i'm like bro yeah very intimate spot yeah that's so i'm confused as hell like I want to stop talking to him because I'm like this is not going to go anywhere if this is how he's going to be but at the same time I can't stop talking to him why can't you stop talking to him I don't know there's something about him that just keeps me

keeps me talking to him it's the unknown it's a chase this is no different than you know gay straight, straight, whatever. This is all about what you can't have and the drama behind the unknown. You know? You mentioned earlier also, it sounds like you even said, it's like you almost have a thing for pursuing closeted men.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You know, you seem like a handsome guy. You know, it sounds like you have no problem getting attention from men that you like. When I was single in my younger days, way back when, you know,

it was pretty common for guys at the bar, straight men, to hit on the sexy bartenders or like the bottle service girls right and i would you know they always get shut down because they're always getting hit on constantly right and so knowing that you know me being you know me and loving a good challenge and and liking to you know accomplish things other people can't accomplish. Yeah. I always had a thing in my early 20s of like asking out the bartenders or the bottle service girls, you know, because I would see the I would see other guys get shot down all the time and trying to figure out an approach that would work. And, you know, because most guys would be kind of weird about it or aggressive or whatever,

you know. And listen, all these women I thought that I would hit on, mostly I hit on them because I thought they were beautiful and I was intrigued, but there was that added element of knowing that it was a bigger challenge than someone who wasn't a bartender, who wasn't a bottle service girl, you know? And the fact that you can recognize that you have a habit or a pattern of going after closeted men, that in itself means that you really, more than anything, really love a chase. You love a challenge.

You love to prove to yourself, your ego, that you're the one that closeted men will finally come out of the closet for. And that strokes your ego. It makes you feel really good. So that is why you're having a hard time moving on from this guy. Two reasons why you need to move on. For one, it's just the respectful thing to do. You know more about, I don't know if this is the right phrase, but gay culture than I do. But if a guy, if anyone's having a hard time coming out, I don't think they should be pushed in a way. I don't want to push. I would never want to push someone to come out.

I also don't want to wait as much as I do want to wait. You guys have reached an impasse you've even approached him you kind of asked him about it he denied that he was into you or gay so you keep hanging out and yet his actions continue to say otherwise so this is like very similar to like a situation ship or like a fuck boy situation you know again it doesn't matter if gay straight whatever but here you have one person where their actions don't line up with what they're saying right and when people's actions don't line up with what they're saying you have to call their bluff and the best way to call their bluff is to change your behavior

and to see if that changes theirs. But you keep hanging out with him. You keep flirting with him. You keep giving him access to you and he can do whatever the fuck he wants and he can be flirty with you and he can touch your thigh and he can reach out to you in the morning while he figures out what he is or isn't into. And you just keep making yourself available to him. In reality, if you shut it down and said, listen, obviously I asked you about this. You're not into it. You know, you have feelings for him, right? You know, you're into him. So you can just say just like any, like, just like all the women who call on this show, right? Who's just like this fucking guy. He's just fucking leading me on.

He, he said he acts like my boyfriend. He, he does this. He calls me all the time, but he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship. And I'm always telling them, like, stop giving them access to you. Let them know what it's like to like, not be able to do all the things they're so used to doing, you know, all the things where're so used to doing you know all the things where they like get to call you and hit the hangout and then they're not forced to like make a decision your situation really isn't any different so i think you need to just demonstrate

some willpower if i were you i would just kind of like not start responding to them i've done that before where like instead of me always messaging first I will like let him message me kind of thing first. I've done it in the past where like, I know what, I'm not going to talk to this guy. I have some willpower. And he actually gets like upset when I don't respond to him. Great.

But then you always respond. You have to see this through, you know, not responding to him one time and him getting upset. Isn't going to do the trick. You have to like, say, listen,, man, out of respect for you, I just don't think we should keep hanging out like this because I'm into you and you're not even gay. And it confuses my feelings.

It makes me uncomfortable. Right now, you don't feel powerless in this to a certain extent. You are pursuing him. You almost have to flip the script. You have to lean into your frustrations. You have to lean into your confusion that you have. Because you like it. You like the drama.

You love the whole, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what he likes. I don't know if he likes me. You love it. But you at least have to pretend to hate it. And you have to get tired of it. And then you have to, you know, come across as if like, Hey man, I just, I can't do this anymore. Like this is hard on me and he can get upset and he can throw a temper tantrum, but you can just say, listen, I have feelings for you. I don't have to tell you like, and you know, you're not even gay. And it's too hard for me to keep interacting with you because quite frankly,

when you do X, Y, or Z, you put your hand on my thigh, it leads me on. It gets me confused. It fucks with my feelings. And that's just not fair to me. And so I just don't think we should keep hanging out like this. And you walk away and you disappear and you don't answer his calls. And I don't mean like waiting for him to text you first i mean like actively go away for a period of time and until he knocks on your door or calls you up and says hey i i started being honest with myself i i'm gay you know when it comes to that i feel like i should wait for him like in that sense of like him coming out because like it's just probably really hard for him in terms of family issues and whatnot sure and like you know recently actually he actually asked me to move in because he got a place and he wants to move in together okay well i would like a two-bedroom

apartment but yeah i mean don't do that that's so i mean listen if this guy's having a hard time you know obviously there's a lot of unfortunate situations where gay people don't feel comfortable coming out because of the families that they come from and things like that. So that's another thing. Like, you know, as frustrated as you are, he's probably more frustrated. And so right now, I think you're just caught up in the chase of it all. But I don't know what it was like for you to come out or if that was a difficult period of time. I don't know. But like try to empathize with him and empathize with him might still be you not being involved in his life right now. You moving in together before he comes out. Oh, my God. Like that's going to be so chaotic, you know, like for both of you. And let this guy come out at his own pace, you know, like for both of you and let this guy come out at his own pace,

you know? And like, I'm not saying when you cut yourself off for him that you have to be a dick about it. You'd be like, Hey, I care about you. I think you're wonderful. It's just a little hard on me. And maybe you don't totally, I mean, I'm not, you know, maybe you don't cut them out of your life, but you have to set some clear boundaries with him.

Boundaries that you're capable of enforcing, you know, and you have to set some clear boundaries with him. Boundaries that you're capable of enforcing, you know? And you have to stop enjoying this game that you are enjoying with him. And I think right now, if anything, you need to be a friend to him, you know? Because if he is gay, he's clearly struggling with coming out, right? I would definitely agree to it.

I just feel like out of all the guys that I've talked to in the past, I feel like he's almost like the one. And okay. Well, I agree with what you're saying. Cause like, you gotta take,

you gotta be selfless. If you really care about this guy, then you have to be a friend first and you have to let him go at his pace and not force it. But you know, you can still set some boundaries. If no one should be touching your thigh, if they're not someone,

you know what I'm saying? Like, and so you have to have some willpower and you know, you have to, from guy to guy, you gotta like, you know, stop thinking with your,

you know, head down there and your head up there. You know what I'm saying? Like, and you gotta have some willpower and be a friend and, and let him go at his own pace and force him to not act in a way that contradicts what he's saying. So like, hey, man, I'm not comfortable with that. I don't want to push this on you.

Just play hard to get, man. Be a friend and play hard to get. Yeah. Make him see the difference, I guess. Yeah. yeah make him see the difference i guess yeah because right now you're chasing him and every interaction he makes with you you kind of lean into and you have some fun and then he can be like oh no i'm not i'm not i'm not doing that and he can play dumb and like oh what am i oh i'm sorry i just like my hand accidentally touched your thigh like oops you know but you need to

start taking a little bit more control of the situation and force some healthy boundaries. Be a friend. Stop enjoying the drama of this game. And let him go at his own pace. All my friends, they want me to stop talking to them. Yeah, it's going to turn toxic. Yeah, it's going to turn toxic. And this guy being the one, you have no idea.

Maybe he is, maybe he's not. But right now you are caught up in this game being the one you have no idea maybe he is maybe he's not but right now you are caught up in this game and the drama behind it and if he ends up coming out and if he ends up saying hey i really like you then you know that's that's when you can evaluate your actual feelings because right now in a way like like truly, this is the psychology of The Bachelor. The Bachelor is an environment that they create that allows people to, quote unquote, fall in love by not being around each other, by making each other unavailable to each other. So you get a little taste and then they pull you away. And then you pine over that person.

You think about that person. That's exactly what this is. He gives you a little taste and he's like you away. And then you pine over that person. You think about that person. That's exactly what this is. He gives you a little taste and he's like, oh, can't. Nope, sorry, I'm not. You know, what are you doing? You know, and then you get to fantasize. You get to wonder. And you've built up a relationship with this man in your head that's a fantasy.

Yeah, I feel, yeah. And maybe, listen, it doesn't mean it can't work out. There are people who fall in love on The Bachelor who end up working out, you know? But there's a lot of people who don't. I think until you know what's going on with him, and again, I don't know, if this guy is actually about to come out,

I don't know what it was like for you to come out, but he might want to, I don't know if he's going to want to settle down for the rest of his life. Honestly, I know that he broke up with his girlfriend his girlfriend like five years ago or something like that and then he hasn't been with someone sexually for the last like two three years well yeah but if he comes out and finally accepts that he's a gay man he might want to you know play the field a little bit i don't know he doesn't he doesn't give off that like personality like again you know you know way more than i do yeah but how old is this guy how old is this year how old is your

friend so i'm 28 he's 22 years younger than me he's 26 so for if if he is gay for 26 years he's been denying his true feelings about men he's been denying his sexual appetite if and when he finally accepts that he's a gay man you don't think he might act a bit different i don't know i don't i feel like i don't know yes and no yes and no i don't know i'm not too sure i don't know i don't know either but i do think it's possible his personality is a lot different than mine because like for me like when I came out, I was crazy. But for him, I always feel like he'd be the same way. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I literally have never met him. And I'm just basing this off of, I can only imagine what it would be like to lie to myself or deny my true feelings. Yeah. lie to myself or deny my true feelings yeah uh and then finally you know look in the mirror and really be like oh finally it's good to meet you kind of thing and this is i'm into men and what's that like and and to finally accept that and and imagine starving yourself for 26 years and finally being served food you kind of want to want to try to, you're going to eat a lot, you know? It's about yourself. So completely change your approach.

Stop chasing him. Set some healthy boundaries. Be a friend to him. Stop pursuing him. And play a little hard to get. Don't let him touch your thigh. Don't let him flirt with you. If he makes moves on you,

be like, hey man, what are you doing? Like, come on, that's not okay. You know, we're friends. Don't let him flirt with you. If he makes moves on you, be like, hey, man, what are you doing? Like, come on. That's not okay. Yeah. You know, we're friends. That one would be a hard one for sure. Yeah. Well, listen, if you're not going to enforce any boundaries or have any willpower, then, you know, you only have yourself to blame.

Yeah, that's true. All right. Yeah. All right. Well, keep us posted, man. I don't know what happens. I appreciate that. Yeah.

You're the third call like this we've had in about a year. And so far, 0 for 2. So maybe it turned out they were straight. You know, this one's a little different, you know. This one's a little different, but. But I don't know. I never know. But either way, I still think you need to completely change your approach, play hard

to get, and focus on being a friend and set some healthy boundaries that you can enforce, because that's the thing. You're not enforcing any of your boundaries and you're just letting him flirt with you and you're you're in, you know, you're just enjoying the little bit of the teasing he's doing and you're and you're enjoying the drama. I guess that's my type. Well, that's, you know, that's something you should probably look into. Again, we've all done that. Again, when I describe me in my 20s, I'll go off to, you know, like, listen, you like a challenge. Great, that's fine.

But just recognize that, right? You're always going to like a challenge, but you have to be able to recognize that and be like, am I actually pursuing this person because I like the challenge or am I pursuing this person because they actually have characteristics of the type of partner I want for a long-term relationship. And right now, this guy isn't demonstrating any qualities of a person you want a long-term relationship. I mean, he might in the future, but right now it's not about his qualities. It's about

him being unavailable to you. All right. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. All right. Well, keep us posted. Take care, buddy. You as well. All right. Bye-bye. Squeeze.com. It's all about the cleanse. And if you are looking for a fresh start this 2024, maybe think about doing a cleanse as well. So many healthy benefits that come from a juice cleanse that you can get from squeeze.com. Physical benefits that include weight loss, maybe less bloating, inches lost, also clearer skin. Secondary benefits that include increased energy, better sleep, breaking bad eating habits, and fasting benefits.

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Okay. Well, 800 miles isn't that far. No, totally. It's just an airplane ride. 800 miles. How far of a drive is that? Like five, five, six? I think it's like 12 actually. 12. Okay. But I can make it. My math is off. Okay. Sorry. How long have you guys been talking?

So we've been friends for a really long time. We became friends like three years ago and we met through Twitter. We had mutual friends and then we actually met in person like two and a half years ago. She actually was living in a different city at the time, ended up moving here. We were both in different relationships at the time. We became friends through that. Then her relationship ended. We became pretty close. I was still in my relationship. We became pretty close. I was still in my relationship. We became really good friends. We'd hang out a lot because the girl I was dating at the time when we first met also lived in another city. For some reason, I can't get away

from long distance. I don't know, whatever. But we started hanging out a lot. We came really close. And then she ended up moving away. And we still were generally good friends. My relationship that I was in when we met ended. So we were both single. Things just didn't work out. She ended up moving away. I did tell her that I had a crush on her before she moved away. And she was like, you know, like, you're still fresh out of this relationship. And that's kind of weird. And I don't want to mess with like the dynamics of like the friend group on Twitter and things like that. And I was like, all right, cool. All good. Like, obviously, Stong wasn't best experience, but, you know, we were still friends. It was still cool. She ended up moving away to the city she lives in now.

I'm still here, obviously. And yeah. And then we were just still friends for the next two years. There was like some ups and downs because she started to say like, hey, like you should come visit. Like, I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. And I was like, OK, great. Like, yeah, let's do it.

And every time that I would say, like, press the subject, I'd be like, all right, when should I come? She would just kind of drop it and like abandon the conversation and it would like never go anywhere. And I was like, all right, like whatever. And we kind of did that game for a little bit. Then she started dating somebody else again. She got into a relationship and i was kind of like what the fuck like that's kind of shitty like what the hell and then i was like you know what

like i'm just going to kind of separate myself from the situation talked about it in therapy with my therapist we kind of worked on some things that i could do to like make myself just work on myself you know self self uh improvement journey so to speak and uh we didn't talk me and this girl for a long time uh probably like i mean probably like six seven months we didn't talk at all and i was like you know what fine like you know sucks to lose a friendship but whatever and uh you guys weren't you guys weren't really friends yeah we like kind of the friendship like kind of fell by the wayside like we weren't really friends at that point and then we we kind of stopped talking and uh then over this past summer she kind of started

to resurface like on the margins like she would like like my tweets or my instagram stories and i was like okay like this is kind of weird but whatever and then uh she started texting me just like straight up she's like hey like what's up like haven't talked to you in a while and she is no longer in that other relationship from last winter uh that ended very poorly uh and so I knew she was single again so she started to hit me up again how are you what's going on what's new and I was like keeping her at arm's length for a while because I was like I've seen this game like I've seen this story I know how this ends and so that cultivated with then she actually sent me this really long apology and was like hey I'm really sorry for how I treated you for the things that I said that was really not cool like I've like gone through a lot of things

over the last couple months done a lot of reflecting and i miss you i miss you know having you in my life and i do feel better about like how i feel about you now like i like you i want to like start talking to you again and just like this whole and it was really sweet actually it was very long uh that's like the cliff notes obviously but it was like validating almost like to have that apology and like have my feelings validated almost and i was like okay you know i appreciate that uh thank you for saying all okay, you know, I appreciate that. Thank you for saying all that. And, you know, so then we've been talking like every day since then.

And that was like three months ago. I ended up going to see her in her city about a month ago, a little over a month ago. Went great. It was really awesome. Like we spent a weekend together. We went on a date. Like it was really cool, really fun. And then she actually just left last week

she spent a week with me in my apartment and we hung out we went out to dinner she met some of my friends i left i met some of her friends when i was there too and uh we already have like our next day weekend set up to uh in about a month from now i'm going back there to visit her too and uh it's good it's like a big I guess, from like a year ago or so. Now it's just like, all right, we're 800 miles away from each other and kind of figuring it out as we go. Okay. And so your big question is what? Like how to navigate this?

Yeah, kind of. So the thing is, she's in her city, I'm in mine. And she's always... What's her city? Her city is New York. Okay. That's not that far. No, I mean, it's only like a two hour flight. But my big thing is, it's kind of like we're... So we talked about like what this is kind of and like what this is going to be.

That's a great question. Because what is it? Because you're not... Are you guys in a committed relationship or Or you're just seeing each other? Or what? relationships as a distraction from my real life. And she is going back to school. She never finished college. And so she's going back to that. And she's like, I really want to focus on that and do well in that. And I really am passionate about pursuing that and doing well there. I was like, cool. I get that. I totally understand. I support you, obviously, chasing whatever dreams or goals that you have. I want you to feel good about what you're doing, what you're pursuing. And I said, but like, we got to call this something like, we can't just like leave it ambiguous. Cause that's weird. It's weird. And she goes, well, like we're dating and I go, okay, are we dating? Like, are we exclusive?

Are we like, not, I go and I said, my cards on the table, I'm not seeing anybody else. I don't plan to see anyone else. Like, I like you, I want to be committed to you. And that's not really ever been my thing, seeing multiple people or talking to multiple people. I've never felt good about that. And she goes, no, I'm not seeing anybody else either. And she said this to me. She said, I don't like doing the situationship thing. I like you. I'm not seeing anybody else. I said, okay, so then what then what is next here? Like, what is, and she goes, well, you know, there's a lot of things that like, I need to figure out with school. And she goes, I wouldn't be talking to you and visiting you and wanting you to visit

me if I wasn't serious about you. And I said, okay, so like we're dating and we're not seeing other people, but we're like figuring it out as we go. And she goes, yeah, like, I think that's a good way to put it. And then this was kind of weird when we were talking about it. She goes, well, you know, if you wanted to talk to other people, like I give you permission, like you can, if you want. And I was like, I just said, I don't want to like, yeah. And I was like, I, like I just said that like I, this was a mistake on my part. I should have asked, like,

do you want to be seeing other people or talking to other people? And I didn't. And I like think I'm'm gonna bring that up when i see her again because it's kind of been like in the back of my head so here's the thing it's it's obvious to me and correct me if i'm wrong that if if she was willing to call you her boyfriend you would be more than happy to call her your girlfriend and the reason that you guys aren't saying that right now is because she's resistant not you yeah like she she is very much like wanting to slow play it and i mean we've only been like dating for like like a month ago was when we first hung out for the first time in a couple this has nothing to do with pace because you you don't strike me as someone who's trying to uh push her to go at a pace that she isn't willing to go. And quite frankly, this woman has been

involved in your life for a couple of years now. You've been interested for a couple of years now. You have gone at her slow ass pace this whole time. So you don't sound like a pushy guy. You're a guy who's in therapy. You're stable. And right now, this girl you're interested is unstable in a way, I guess you could say. And she's having a hard time. You know, it's like a cliche almost. Like, is it shocking that she got into a relationship with a guy where it ended poorly? Some sort of like, I don't know, fuck boy, you know, toxic relationship, you know, whatever. He probably had the power.

That's a thing, you know, whatever. He probably had the power or that's a thing, you know, like, and this is the whole kind of like, you know, the classic nice guy bullshit. And I don't think you should change at all. Like, and it's such a fine line. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, like myself, I have always gone out of my way to be incredibly respectful. Uh, you know, I always wanted to be a nice guy, so to speak, when it comes to relationships. I never wanted to, you know, fuck with women's feelings. I never wanted to lead them on. You know, no one's human.

I'm sure people have gotten mad at me, whatever. But that's always been my intention to the point where at times I think in my earlier dating days, I probably got rejected for, quote unquote, being the nice guy and not the guy that they had to chase, so to speak. You know, when I really liked someone, I wanted them to know it. And then it became like, you know, so she doesn't have to pursue you, you know, you're pursuing her. And so I guess what I'm trying to say is you got to thread that needle between still being who you are, still being the guy who can offer her stability and a healthy relationship, potentially, someone who's willing to communicate, someone who's not trying to confuse her,

but at the same time, someone who's not going to put up with her bullshit, so to speak. And so you need to you know if you've listened to my show at all you know that whole defining the relationship conversation the what are we you know i i cringe when people ask that yeah it's in that moment you've lost your power you know what are we is saying you're you're in control you calling the shots, and you get to decide. Here she is. It's a power move by her to say, well, if you really want to date other women, I'd be okay with that. You know why she says that to you? No, I don't.

I could tell you because she doesn't think for a second you're going to. Sure. She's not worried. She is very confident in her and your feelings about her. She took you for granted for a period of time. And yeah, she apologized for it. And yeah, it felt very good and it validated your feelings. But what did you do? Immediately let the gate down. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? There was absolutely no resistance. So you've set this precedent that all she really has to do when she fucks up with you is apologize true and again i'm not i don't want you to get off the phone with me and call

her be like fuck you you've been like you know like i've i've seen what you're up to she probably doesn't even necessarily realize that but i think you just have to get good at standing your ground with her sure and uh like we've talked about too like when we talked about like how we're gonna because like long distance obviously like a full disclosure like i have a very anxious attachment style and like i very much like have a history of like not being or openly communicating how i feel and just trying to like internalize it push through it and so we agreed that like we're just going to be open about how we feel about how like we're feeling where things are at like talk every now like check in every now and then and stuff and so like there's been times where it's like i've like told her like that

was kind of shitty like that wasn't great and like she's like okay like and then we talk about it and it's good and also like her the reason that i was open to, and like we said, like the reason I like lowered those boundaries so immediately was too, because like her behavior has definitely changed from like the, when I was interested a couple of years ago, like she definitely is better about like showing how she feels and like reacting positively towards me too. Like, she's very sweet and she's very cool and like it's definitely i feel like i'm explaining this very poorly but i'm sure she's swell like again like you know what what you're going through with her is like you know a tale as old as time or

whatever it is you know it's it's this is really just about power dynamics it's it's about her having more control than you have it's about her always being confident in your feelings towards her and you at times not always being confident about her feelings towards you. And you guys both knowing that. That's what's obvious. It's the one thing that you guys never acknowledge, but you both know, is that your feelings have always been consistent and hers hasn't. Yeah, definitely. like let me ask you this like how do i go about like having that conversation or addressing that like i don't want to like put up boundaries again you know what i feel like in a way that's like stone boundaries well i don't

want to like stone well like put up bound i will i do want to are you guys having sex yeah yeah in the same city okay well i, that's a very intimate thing, you know, and I know you're a dude and, you know, and all those things, but despite what people say, like guys have feelings too, when it comes to sex and you like her and every time you hook up, you feel connected to her and it's meaningful to you because you care about her. And anytime after you guys hook up and leave, and then, you know, you know, you had a great week together, you're hooking up the whole time, and it sounds like you had one of those

check-in conversations as these couples, and you are in a situationship, whether she wants to acknowledge it or not, despite her saying she doesn't like situationships, that's what you're in, because you're confused. You're not totally clear in terms of what this relationship is. You're not boyfriend and girlfriend, you know, and she literally gave you permission to date

other people if you wanted to. And so that probably in some level hurt you. It was probably very frustrating for you to hear. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? We spent the whole week dinner at a great time. We hooked up a bunch of times. Here I am saying I want to date other people. And you're like, well, if you want to, you can.

That's like the last thing you wanted to hear yeah it was frustrating it was like it was frustrating confusing I was just kind of like when she said that what did you say to her I just I was just like I looked at her I was like I literally just said that like I don't want to do that which is like me giving up more of that power again but like I was just like so like

she didn't like double down but she didn't like take it back either okay I'm sure she likes you. The cold reality is that because this power dynamic is so one-sided in her court, is that she's just looking for something better. And how do you mean? If she was afraid that you would one day be like, you know what, I'm done with your bullshit. I met someone else. You know what i'm done with your bullshit i met someone else you know what i'm saying like her behavior would drastically change but because she's not

worried that you're going to do that and she knows that like at any moment when she says hey you want to be my boyfriend you'd be like fuck yeah let's do this shit she's just like all right well i'm in new york it's a big city there's a lot of dudes like, you know, just in case I find someone else, I'm not quite ready to do that. Yeah. So she's not consciously thinking this. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying she's talking to her friends and being like, he's good, but I want to find something better. But actions speak louder than words, so to speak, you know? Sure. Yeah. You just got to try to shift the power dynamic. Yeah. Like kind of like make it more even like, like more 50 50. You got to stop asking her questions is what you have to do.

Yeah, so like don't have the what are we conversation again. You got to tell her how you feel and what you're looking for and kind of give her a take it or leave it type of thing. It's kind of like, listen, I get maybe, I don't know if you're scared or not, but like, listen, and when I said earlier, this has nothing to do with pace. At some point, I'd love you to say something like this. I know we've known each other for a couple years, but if we're being honest with each other, there's a lot of things we still don't know about each other. So I know I like you. I still have a lot to learn about you. So I don't know. You are

long distance. But I just don't want to... I'm 26, you're 27. We've wasted a lot of time on each other and I'm not interested in wasting any more time with you. So like my desire to only date you and my desire to just have you, you know, have us be boyfriend and girlfriend isn't to decide that I want to like fucking get engaged or get married anytime soon. I just want to have the clarity that you're the person I'm focused on getting to know.

You know, like I'm not trying to move 100 miles an hour. You live in New York. I live in Chicago. Our relationship's going to move at a slower pace. And I honestly like moving slow. I want us to move things slowly. My desire to have you as my girlfriend is just because it's not fair to me to invest my energy in you without the assurances that you you know you're not playing the field yeah that we're that this is going somewhere yeah like that's there's an actual angle and and it's just kind of i would just kind of sound like you're tired of her bullshit you know just like hey man you know yeah of the wishy-washiness she's just she's being the fuck

boy right now yeah you know and so you just kind of have i think i would i would sound a little bit more distant a little more frustrated and just and i I would just be like, listen, I, I'm not going to deny. I like you. I care about you. You know, I am tired of feeling confused about this. You know, I'd let her know, like, listen, I honestly thought it was kind of messed up for you to just say if I wanted to date someone else or not, like to me and just name, name it. You're essentially telling me you're not worried that I'm going to date anyone else. That's the only reason you said that.

Yeah, power trip. Yeah, you know, and there's a part of her, her toxic side wants you to do that. Her toxic side wants you to go out and start dating other girls and she wants to get jealous. Yeah, so like, and I know you said like, you would love me to say that, like that's definitely a conversation for like when we're like in the same,

like that's definitely not a phone conversation. I don't know. Yeah. Listen, if you're going to, this is a long distance relationship. You're going to have to have serious conversations that are not face to face. Sure.

You can't table every serious conversation for when you're actually in the same room together. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When in the same room together. Yeah. Yeah. When you put it like that. Yeah. And FaceTime is a very effective form of communication. Yeah.

Technology. It's great. Yeah. So don't use long distance as an excuse to delay conversations you need to have. Yeah. The confrontation has to happen at some point. So why? I just want you to be confident in yourself.

You're a great looking guy. You got the whole beard thing going on. You have a good job. You have a cool job. You live in a cool city. I'm sure you don't have a hard time getting women. You just happen to like her. She knows it.

She's always had control in this relationship and you need to find a way to take some of it back. And the easiest way to do that is to stop acting like she can do whatever the fuck she wants and all she has to do is apologize. Yeah. And you just need to say this all very very very calmly yeah right yeah you can't not present it as a fight yeah you can't get mad and it's you just have to be very kind of like listen you know it is what it is like at some point just be like maybe you're just not ready for the same thing i'm

ready for you know like i know you've done i really appreciate the message you sent me in the past, but like I, I, your actions matter to me way more than your words. And so like, I really like what we have right now. I really do. And I want to keep moving it forward, but I'm, I am just getting really frustrated with still being confused. And when you come out and spend a week with me, and then the last, one of the last things you say to me is like giving me permission to like date other, like, listen, tell her if I want to date other people, I'll let you know. I don't need your permission. You know, I can just do that. Yeah. Yeah. She's not your mom. She's not even your girlfriend. I don't need your permission to date other people. I'll do that if I want to. And then, you know, I'm an upfront guy. If I decide

that I want to not pursue you anymore and deal with other people, I'll let you know. But I don't like I'm not looking for your permission. I want us to move this relationship forward and we can go whatever pace that what's comfortable for us. I don't care how slow we go. I just don't want to sit there and like constantly wonder if we're on the same page. Yeah.

Clarity. Yeah. You might have to piss her off and have her kind of be like, fuck you and have her like, get mad at you. She's got a little bit of a fuck boy side to her, a little bit of a, and again, I'm not, I'm sure she's swell. I mean, I've, I've, we've all been there, you know, for whatever, for whatever reason, she is not taking you seriously. And she just, she knows I'm going to be there regardless.

Yeah. Yeah. No, that makes, yeah. I mean, that's, that's fair. That makes sense. I've been there, man. You know? No.

Yeah. I, I, that's, that's why I'm here. But you can't, you can recover from this. Like you can definitely flip the script. The best thing you can start doing right now is just stop asking her questions about her feelings. Tell her how you're feeling and what you want and expect from her and make it feel like listen honestly whatever you decide cool but like as much as i like you like i am just getting a

little frustrated with constantly feeling confused about this whole thing you know you're great but like you know this is getting a little this is getting a little much you know so right just just like making her make a decision you know we always feel like a little, this is getting a little much, you know? So, right. Just, just like making her make a decision. You know, we always feel like, Oh, like expecting someone to like say, well,

I want you to be boyfriend and girlfriend is being pushy or something. No, not right. Like it's like, it's like the end goal and like the longterm anyway. Right. So like, why does it have to be like weird in a fucked up way?

She wants you to do the opposite of everything you're doing. And you have to find a way to do that in a way that's not toxic yeah while like still maintaining like my personality yeah so you have to find a healthy way to stand up for yourself to tell it a fuck off when she's taking you for granted without being the toxic asshole that she's used to receiving that energy from she wants to feel like you're a prize that she won, not like she settled for the nice guy. Right. Yeah. That would be ideal, yeah. So I would be slightly distant, slightly frustrated.

And listen, I know it's a little gamey. Yeah, just make her feel like maybe you actually took her up on that offer. Yeah, like leave it ambiguous. That'd be a little vague for a while. Yeah. Just make her feel like maybe you actually took her up on that offer. Yeah. I believe it ambiguous. That'd be a little vague for a while. Yeah. Wait for her to check in with you. So that's what you need to do. I'm not saying disappear on her or ghost her, but slightly change your behavior. Don't be as responsive. Be busy. Go out. Don't tell her what you're doing and wait for her to check in with you and be like, hey, what's up?

Like you seem like weird. And then when she does that, and be like, hey, what's up? You seem weird. And then when she does that, you can say, listen, it just really honestly, it kind of just pissed me off when you said I could date other people. I've been very clear about how I... And I'm just like, I don't need your permission to date other people. But what that told me is you're not serious about me. You're just not. If you were serious about me, you would never would have said that. Right. Yeah. It was just frustrating. Yeah. And I don just frustrating. Yeah. And I don't like, I don't want to, I don't want to be taken for granted. I've never met someone who really likes someone who said it would be okay to date other people.

Yeah. Yeah. Like even in the moment I was like, that was weird. Like what? It was like very confusing. It was fucked up. Yeah. It wasn't even confusing.

It was just fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. She's just not taking you seriously. Even if she means it. I mean like, and again, and I would just say very calmly you know listen i just like your actions matter me more than your words and like you know i like you and i don't give a shit if you live in new

york or not like i think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend and i want to move super slow because i still have a lot to get to know about you and i think you still have a lot to get to know about me and if you want to do this great i'm in and if you don't that's fine but i just i'm not like if you say you don't want a situation ship then i need you to act like it and i think you need to kind of put it in her place and you need to kind of talk to her like calmly and respectfully but very like like decide yeah like you don't give a fuck definitely you need to need to practice in the mirror. Yeah, I think I have to. I'm going to have to do some recordings and just listen back. I'm sure you've been in situations where she liked you a lot more than you liked her and channel that energy. Yeah. Flashback to that. Yeah.

And again, she might not even realize that she's taking advantage of the power dynamic. Yeah, it could be like a subconscious thing. that she's taking advantage of the power dynamic. Yeah, it could be like a subconscious thing. Yeah, she is so used to being in control with you that she needs to be put in her place, so to speak. Yeah, and I need to take some of that power back on my own part. Yeah, stop asking her questions, stop being passive,

say how you feel. You're not stupid either. It's not confusing. You knew that was fucked up when she said it. Yeah, I mean, the bells went off. Yeah. Yeah. So just name it.

Yeah. Just be direct. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm dying for an update. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever that update happens, I'll definitely hit you up.

All right, man. Just be confident, man. You have a lot of reasons to be confident. The good news is she's always come back to you. And that's... Yeah. So remember that. That's something that you remind yourself, you know, like this, this woman has always come back to you and you need to start realizing that you have a lot of

value to her and you just have to show it and you have to not be so available to her. And you have to make her realize what life would be like when you start saying no. And you start saying, you know what? You can't always have me at be like when you start saying no. You start saying, you know what? You can't always have me at your convenience when you want. Right. So she doesn't take it for granted. Yeah. Yeah.

She doesn't know what it's like to hear no from you. Yeah. That's probably definitely true. All right. Well, you know what to do. All right. Thank you, Nick. All right.

Good luck. I really want an update here, but you know what to do. But yeah, in the meantime, short-term plan, slightly change your behavior, be a little distance, play the game a little bit. And this is literally a negotiation tactic. The next person to check in has to be her. She needs to notice a difference in your behavior, and it needs to confuse her. And she needs to ask you, what's going on?

I've noticed a difference. And if she doesn't, then you really have your answer. Yeah, right. If you're becoming more distant and harder to get a hold of, and she doesn't notice, well, then... Tells me everything I need to know. Exactly. Yeah. So, all right?

Yeah, definitely. And I just want to say thank you. Appreciate it. And my sister actually put me onto your show in the first place she loves you so uh shout out to her for this i thank her very much uh it's oh i always get excited when you have uh the straight men calling in and asking for relationship advice because you know but seriously like it's this a lot of the advice i'm giving you is advice i've given to plenty of women before you it's often not a gender

thing it's just it's more of a power dynamic thing. And there are a lot of guys like you who are just as frustrated about relationships. You know, you very much remind me of me when I was in, you know, in my younger days. So it's nice to hear from men like you. So I appreciate your sister and you for calling in. Yeah, of course. All right. Take care, buddy. All right. Thanks. Bye-bye. Better Help. This episode was brought to you by Better Help. Better Help has been helping people jump into therapy like never before and look no further than Allie. I was like, Allie, have you thought of therapy? She's like, no, no, no. Allie, have you considered therapy? I don't know. She's like, fine. And you know where she is? She's at Better Help. And listen,

all jokes aside, like therapy is intimidating. It's also costly. It's also inconvenient. Well, all the things that BetterHelp helps with when it comes to helping people get into therapy. I love it. And I was just pulling up my notes from my last session.

And I just think like, I always like to take little tidbits away to like remind myself of and think back. Let me know what you think of this one, Nick. She said, every time you do something hard, you gain respect for yourself. That's great advice. It's little nuggets of wisdom.

It's good. And I keep them on my computer, on little sticky notes. Little nuggets of wisdom for sure. BetterHelp is just perfect for helping people get into therapy because of its convenience, its flexibility. Having the right therapist matters so much.

And just someone that you just feel comfortable with, that gets you, that gives you those little nuggets, that hears you out. And like, listen, not every therapist is created equal. You have to meet people, find out if you are compatible, and that goes with therapy. And that's what's so great about BetterHelp, is they make that process super easy and convenient. More affordable than in-person therapy, more convenient. You can do it from the comfort of your home or your car, wherever you are.

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or switched gears from rideshare driving to video game streaming, or rode the stock market to the moon and back. TurboTax experts make all your moves count, getting you every credit and deduction you deserve. Filing with 100% accuracy and getting your max refund guaranteed. Switch to TurboTax, make your moves, we'll make them count. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live. How's it going? Good. My name's Jessica and I'm 29 years old and my boyfriend isn't sure if he wants to be with me and doesn't always find me attractive. Okay. Did he tell you he doesn't always find you attractive? Yeah. I mean, the short answer is breakup. Well, yeah. So it's

kind of like a long story. There's a lot okay so start i'll start at the beginning i mean we do live together we found an apartment and he moved in in july so we've been living together for almost six months now i guess and then in the beginning of november is when he like kind of started acting weird. He always like drink a little alcohol or whatever. And he was drinking like a lot, like a bottle of tequila in like two days. And I would tell him like, are you okay? Like, that's not good. I don't think I think you might have a problem. And he wouldn't acknowledge it. And he came home one day and was just like, I'm unhappy. And I'm like, okay, with me? And he's like, yes. So I was like, does that mean you don't want to be with me? Then that's when he said, I don't know. And then for a month and a half, it was going on,

I guess. He would just constantly tell me like, I don't know if I want to be with you. Cause I would check in like once or twice a week, giving him space, but also trying to figure out what's going on. And all he would tell me is, I don't know if I want to be with you. I don't know if I want to be with somebody else. I like every question I ask. Is there someone else? No. How do you know that? I know of, but did you ask him? I didn't. But eventually after I was asking him all these questions, like what's wrong? He was like, well, I feel like we've become an old couple with intimacy. And like that bothered him, I guess, which I thought everything was great until this conversation. Like nothing.

How often do you guys like having sex? Like once a week-ish, maybe less. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I'm in school, too. And I was like busy and always tired. And then I asked, like, are you not attracted to me he said sometimes and i'm like what do you mean like what when are you not attracted to me and he said it's because i study a lot and i'm too busy what does that have to do

with your physical attraction i i don't know i guess i didn't have enough time for him i mean has your boyfriend always been this much of a prick um yes and no okay and so then i eventually after like the month and a half and then it got me thinking about like our relationship and if i even like want to be with this person who's now telling me all these things and so i kind of was like i think you need to take space and figure your shit out with like, I I've had enough. And then that's when he started being like, no, I want to fight for you is when I kind of gave up already.

And I'm like, what are we doing? Like why we're living together. We're roommates. We don't have any like physical attraction since you told me these things. And then I've ended up like breaking up with him like three times. And he's now all of a sudden like the complete opposite. And he's like, no, I do want to be with you.

I was just going through something. I was drinking too much. He said he got stressed with moving in with me and then got depressed. Moving in with him? Moving in with you got him depressed and made him start drinking a bottle of tequila every two days? Right.

So where are we now? So now currently I broke up with him again. Like I said, I'm like, listen, I think it's too much for me. There's a lot of other issues in our relationship. I'm just not there anymore. I kind of got the ick and now I'm just like, I don't know.

Yeah. So I was just like, no, like I think you should, I would like you to move out. I need space. I don't think he's like, well, what can I do to like get us back to where we were? And I'm like, I don't know if I can get there. So currently you're not together. No, we're not together, but he's still living in the apartment. Okay.

So what are you trying to figure out? I just, I feel like, am I a bad person for not like giving him a second chance? Second chance. Third, fourth. I don't know. Yeah. No bad person. You have the right to listen.

He has the right to not like you anymore. You know, he has the right to not be attracted to you. I think he's kind of a prick for how he's communicated it, you know, instead of saying, hey, listen, like, I'm not happy right now and I'm struggling, you know, with my feelings and maybe I'm going through something right now. Maybe we could there or whatever. He was just like making you feel like you did something wrong when you didn't do anything at all, you know, and like you have the right to want to move on, you know, how you break up matters, you know, how you quit a job matters, you know, like, so your exit strategy really plays a role on your lasting impression about someone, so to speak. But no, you're not a bad person if you want to leave them. Like, that's, that's, you know, plain and simple. But I feel like you know that, right? Like, yeah, like, I guess he's just with what he's saying it's making me feel bad and like i'm doing something wrong when well that's a pattern you know he seems that's the whether you're together or not together he has it seems to be a pattern of him always making feel like

you're doing something wrong and you constantly having to apologize for random shit and then the only time you feel like you're in control is when you finally stand up for yourself and say, I don't deserve to be treated this way. I don't want to be with you anymore. And only then does he finally treat you kind of like how you deserve to be treated. So when you feel like your relationship's in a state of comfort,

he doesn't want to treat you how you deserve to be treated. And when he feels like you're in control and you have all the power only then is he willing to step up and try to be the boyfriend that you deserve so that's not a that's not a recipe for a successful relationship yeah and he was saying oh you gave up on this after a month you won't even give me another chance he literally told you that he's not happy with you and not attracted to you. Oh yeah. He said he didn't mean that. Well then he shouldn't say things he doesn't mean. So then he was trying to hurt you.

Yeah. He said he was like trying to push me away because he was depressed. So I don't want to be with someone who, when they're sad or upset, instead of coming to me and asking for help, they try to hurt me. Yeah. And then he said, they try to hurt me. Yeah. And then he said, it won't happen again. You have my word. I'm like, but that's not enough. I mean, for like a month, he made you sit on hold wondering if you even wanted to be with you. That's emotional torture. Yeah. And then I would have these conversations being like, I think I need space. I would like basically act like normal, wouldn't acknowledge

like the fact that I said I would want space and just still try and like win me. Like, I still feel like he thinks he can win me back. I'm getting a sense from you that you're just like done with this guy, right? I kind of am. Okay. So we're not really need, we don't even need to figure out whether you should be with this guy or not. Yeah. It's more just like... How to get him to leave? Right. Do you feel safe around him? Yeah.

It's not like that. Okay. Well, you just... Listen, you're not wrong. You're not a bad person. You have the right to leave this relationship. You have given him more chances than he deserves, whether he wants to acknowledge that or not. And just because he wants to play the victim now

that he basically fucked up and took you for granted, that's a lesson he's gonna have to learn. Our choices matter. He made a choice, whether he meant it or not. He chose to treat you disrespectfully. He chose to hurt your feelings. And yeah, I'm sorry he was in a bad place and I'm sorry that he wasn't at his best,

but not everyone does that while hurting their partner. And listen, if you wanted to work on things, that's fine too. I wouldn't be judging you for that. If you wanted to say, hey, listen, what you really did really hurt me, but I still love you and I want to be with you. So I'm willing to work on it. But only if like, say we get into couples therapy, because like, you can't just promise me you're not going to do that. Like what you did was really fucked up and it was really hurtful. And for over a month, I had to basically live in a house

with someone that I didn't even know how they felt about me. You kept me emotionally hostage and I never want to experience that again. So if you are really serious about working on this relationship, then like, I think we need couples therapy. And I want to know that you're committed

to like not only working on us, but working on yourself. And honestly, in addition to couples therapy, I really think you should look into therapy on your own because you can't just promise me that you're not going to do this again, because like you're telling me you were depressed. So how can you guarantee me you won't feel that in the future? And if you, you know, so if you wanted to do that, that'd be fine fine too but you don't is the point right yeah and i back like a month ago or whatever when i still was like devastated over it and wanted to work on it i would ask him if he would go talk to somebody and have therapy and he just wasn't he didn't want to do it he's like i'm not depressed i'm not talking to anybody so yeah this guy's all over the place so i guess back to my original point is you just have to not let him manipulate you and

guilt you into making you feel like you're the bad person because that's what's going on here. I'm here to tell you, you're not wrong. You're not, you're not the bad guy here. You're finally standing up for yourself. You're married. You're making obviously a very difficult decision because this isn't what you wanted. You wanted him to not do

all these things that made you change your feelings about him. And sometimes we can't go back. And your body, your gut is telling you that, you know, maybe this is the wake up call you needed to realize that this isn't your person. Yeah. And he would also tell me, like, we looked at engagement rings together and like on the phone or whatever. So we were planning our future. And then all of a sudden, when he did move in, he was like, I don't know if I see a future with you. I don't know if I can give you what you want. Yeah, this guy has said so many hurtful things.

And even so, after that, I was still willing to be with him. And then I just feel like it was all too much. Yeah, I think we just need a we just need to figure out an exit strategy yeah and i mean that's not a problem i would have probably left already but i can afford the apartment myself and he can't and so i was waiting for him to get another apartment and i just feel like us being in the same space is giving him false hope and like making me feel bad. You need to stop feeling bad. All right. That's the only thing you need to focus on because that's what you have control over. Right. This whole like, you know, letting him,

you know, you're not the bad guy. You have no reason to feel bad. He's been taking you for granted and you're going to have to give him some tough love. And you're just going to have to say, listen, I don't want to be with you anymore. I am sorry. And I'm sorry you regret it, but I don't feel the same way about you anymore. And unlike you, like, I'm not going to go back on my word. You can't afford this lease. I don't, I don't feel comfortable living in the same spot space as you. So I need you to leave. Hopefully he leaves. If he doesn't leave, then you're going to have to figure out, you know, how long do you have left on your lease? It ends next November.

So another year. Another year. But yeah, you can afford it. He can. It's that simple. I think if you just stand his ground, he'll leave. You know, say things like, I don't feel safe around you. Yeah.

I'm making it obvious that I'm not changing my mind. And I just... You got dad there. Get dad to calm up and be like, get the fuck out, dude. You know, but listen, I know this is messy and complicated, but I think also the answer is pretty simple is that you don't want to be with them. You have the right to break up with them. You're not the bad guy. He's got to figure out his shit. It's, he's no longer your problem and he's going to make you feel guilty and trying to manipulate you.

And the fact that he can't afford this place on his own and you got stability and he's going to make you feel guilty and try to manipulate you. And the fact that he can't afford this place on his own, and you got stability and he doesn't, like, how do you even know, like, if his feelings are genuine? It's like, maybe he's just using you. Right. That's what one of my friends was telling me, too. He just needs a place to stay, and he just wants to work on it for that reason. Yeah. So I would just kick him out and just say, I need you to be out by the end of the month. Yeah. Yeah. I guess just for the holidays and stuff, it wasn't ideal. Don't worry about ideal. Like he'll figure it out. Stop feeling guilty about standing your ground. He's a big boy. He'll figure it out. And quite honestly, he needs the wake up call.

You're probably helping him out in the long run. Yeah, hopefully. Well, it's not your problem he'll figure it out right but i i'd start embracing being the bad guy so to speak you're not you're not the bad guy but you get what i'm saying like yeah stay on your ground kick him out okay i mean we can draft a text right now if you want you know um i mean when i get home he'll probably be there but he just thinks like he's's like, I'm just confused. I don't understand. So I just, I don't know how to say, I guess.

I'm sorry that you're confused. And I don't care that you don't understand. I don't need to explain it to you. I don't need to explain to you why I don't want to be with you. I think it's obvious. And I do think you understand. You got to just start being cold. Because it's bullshit, the shit do think you understand. You got to start being cold. Because it's bullshit, the shit he's saying to you.

Yeah. He's making false accusations. He's playing the victim. And I need you to get mad, not sad. Okay. I'll try. You can do it. This is a guy who told you over and over that he wasn't sure how he felt about you, that he wasn't attracted to you.

He's a prick. He took you for granted and now he's got to pay for it all right you're right and you can say like listen i'm sorry this happened and i hope you learn from it but like i don't have to i'm no longer willing to put up with this and if if you don't understand why then honestly that that's that's part of the reason why we're breaking up like i have tried way more than i should have i have no regrets i put all the effort i could possibly have given in this relationship i'm just finally done and i need you to move out okay i'm gonna write this down standing around and if if this is easier to text then text it you don't you don't have to have a face-to-face conversation with this guy yeah and because the fact is he has a pattern of trying to manipulate you and making you feel

bad about this shit, I would just honestly, as much as you can, I would keep your distance and I would communicate via text and just not be around. And if you have to get your dad involved, get your dad involved. I know. I was going to stay at my parents' house, but then I felt like he might not leave if I'm not there. You could say, listen, I'm not going to be there for a week, you know, to let you get your shit in order.

You can't pay rent. And I need you to leave. He can go to a buddy's place. Embrace being the bad guy, but don't feel bad about it. Okay. And it's not you being the bad guy. You're standing up for yourself.

Yeah. Embrace standing up for yourself. You're doing what's best for you finally you should be proud of yourself you should not feel bad this is a great thing that you're doing for yourself and i'm sorry you're going through because it does suck and i'm sure it's very sad in the long run but i do feel like i the person i'm talking to knows that this isn't her guy and that's got to be a good feeling finally you you're done living and being with someone who makes you feel like shit who makes you feel like you're not good enough

and quite honestly like i hate using the word but like it's you know a little emotionally abusive you know i don't know but it's fucked up to tell you all these things just because you know he's trying he literally was trying to hurt you because hurt people, hurt people. And that's what he was doing. Right. All right. All right. I'm going to text him later and tell him to get the fuck up. Don't swear, though. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, I wasn't very calm. Always, as I say, keep keep your cool. Be in control of your emotions. Be very matter of fact Be in control of your emotions. Be very matter of fact.

And do not listen to his guilt trips or whatever. And when he says he doesn't understand, that is not your problem anymore. He's not your boyfriend anymore. He is now just a roommate who doesn't have a right to be there anymore. I mean, technically he does. And just say things like, please don't make this any more difficult than it needs to be. You know, please respect my my wishes i don't want to feel unsafe in my own home i really need you to leave i'm sorry you you know i'm sorry to end it

this way but this is how i feel and i'm not going to change my mind and just keep it like that okay like please and and make like kind of subtle Like, please don't make me involve other people. You know what I'm saying? Like, little things like that. So, like, if he tries to play a game of chicken and gives the whole, like, well, I have as much right to be here as you. It's like, well, you can't pay. Like, please don't make this messier than it needs to be.

Please don't let me have to involve other people. Like, this is already hard on both of us. I need you to just figure out your situation situation and I need you to be out by the end of the year. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Please keep us posted.

All right. You got it. I will. All right. Be proud of yourself. Pat yourself on the back. This is difficult to do. You're better for it.

Okay. Thank you. All right. Take care. You too. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening.

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Many more to come. Don't forget to send those questions at asknickatthefoulfiles.com. Don't forget tomorrow, we got Kylie Russell talking about her breakup and the cheating scandal with Avon. A little Bachelor recap we got for you on Reality Recap. Plus, we'll be getting into traitors as well as all things Bravo Nation. It'll be a jam-packed episode tomorrow.

And on Thursday, we have Taylor Greene from Southern Charm talking about all things from her most current season, all the drama that she's been involved in. Truly an episode you will not want to miss. And again, more and more juicy episodes for you to follow in the weeks following. See you next time. Bye.