The Viall Files - E702 Ask Nick - Searching for My Father

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. We start off with a written Ask Nick, who matched with her current situationship on Hinge and is struggling to get him to commit. Then we get to our caller… Our first caller is moving to a different city for her boyfriend’s job, but is having cold feet. She’s struggling to communicate with him about moving away from her family. Our second caller has never met her father and is wondering whether she should search for him. Her mother is willing to help, but has no interest engaging with him… so what is stopping her? Our final caller went on a date with a girl who’s in a situationship. He thinks she's perfect, but is having troubles moving on in a small city.  “Keep not having expectations and remind yourself how far you’ve gotten without him.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Squeezed.com -  Visit https://www.squeezed.com and get same day local delivery or free fast delivery nationwide with code VIALL. ShipStation - Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/viall. Thanks to ShipStation for sponsoring the show!  Happy Viking -  Visit https://www.DRINKHAPPYVIKING.COM and use code VIALL for 20% off your first purchase. DraftKings - Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app NOW and use code VIALL. New customers can bet FIVE BUCKS to get TWO HUNDRED INSTANTLY IN BONUS BETS. Vessi - Transform your new year adventure with Vessi. Visit https://www.vessi.com/VIALL for footwear that will gear you up the whole year around and get 15% off your first order. Caraway - This deal is exclusive for our listeners, so visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL  or use code VIALL at checkout for 10% off your next purchase.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @nnataliejjoy @alison.vandam @allisonklemes @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i'm your host nick joined by the pretty full household today. You got my baby mama? I have never been on the Ashton Nick intro. You haven't? Nope. So none of these listeners have any idea who I am. They don't know who you are? No idea. They are so confused. Well, I guess I want to introduce you for the spoiler alert. I'm engaged. Yep. And having a baby. And having a baby. And this is... With me. All of the above.

This is her. Yeah, Natalie Joy, everybody. Nice to meet you all. It's nice to meet you. This is me shaking everyone's listening hand. We have our sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet boy, Justin. So many sweets. Here.

Hello. Hi. Allie, as always. And Allison, actually, her second time on the show. Second time's a charm. Yeah. Allie, as always. Yeah. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. Sweet, sweet second time on the show. Second time's a charm. Allie, as always. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet.

Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. The most sweet, the sweetest, sweetest, sweetest of ever. Sweet, sweet boy. I just said sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet boy. Allie, as always. Who gives a fuck? And Allison. What do you want me to say about you? You didn't like old reliable.

Old and reliable. That wasn't good either. No, you called me old faithful at one point like i'm like a geyser in a national park did i you are a world wonder the eighth wonder of the world you and brooklyn see there i'll take that thanks natalie you're welcome honey uh we also have a special guest, Natalie's mom. So you all get to meet Natalie and Natalie's mom. Say hi, Natalie's mom. Hi, guys. Good to see you.

I feel like a deer in the headlights, but you look great. You look great, yeah. This is going to be a fun episode because, well, I don't know what you talk about in your actual episode, but the intro is going to be even better. Because I am carrying my mother's first grandchild. So I am making my mom a grandma. And you know what's crazy is I learned the other day that my, I am currently carrying my grandchildren.

That's so my mom carried my daughter. Right. Because the eggs. Well, half. Carry. Yeah. Well, sure. Well, half. Carry. Yeah. Well, sure. Allie, you're going to be a buzzkill.

She carried her legs down. It's like it's science getting away of a good story. I want to do Punnett squares. Those are my faves. She did not carry Nick's part. But yeah, isn't that crazy? That is nuts. I know.

next part. Do my homework. Yeah, isn't that crazy? That is nuts. I know. Mom, how does it feel to have your first grandbaby come into this world very, very soon? How does it feel? Wow. I'll be a mess.

I'll be just crying. You will. I'm going to start right now. Oh, don't start right now. Oh my gosh. How does it feel to be my mother? Oh, wow. I'm going to start right now. Oh, don't start right now. Oh, my gosh. How does it feel to be my mother? Oh, wow. Wow. I'm going to start crying again. I'm going to start crying again. How much time do we have?

Ah, wow. No, I love Instagram because I get to see what you're doing. You know, so that's why I check in. But no, you're wonderful. You're a wonderful daughter. Absolutely. She'd call me on her way to work and we'd chat and we'd always stay caught up. And I love your facetimes where

we get to i just feel like you're right there with me i uh don't go very long without facetiming my mom i think we talk maybe seven or eight times a day probably which is wonderful she's in town because baby's close yeah yeah there's a possibility that by the time you're listening this episode maybe we'll have a daughter here. Yep. Maybe. Maybe we won't. Maybe we will.

Maybe. Maybe. Possible. That's nuts. That truly is nuts. Allie, what's on our show today? So our three callers today, we have one caller who is second guessing moving out of state with their partner. Our second caller is wondering if they should contact their father, who they've never met.

And our third caller recently went on a date with a woman who is in a situationship and isn't sure if she wants to let her go. Allison, are you here because you also haven't met your father and wondering if you should reach out? You know, a lot of people say I do look like him and I have no reference

at all, so. Oh no, I'm so sorry. You're kidding though, right? I'm kidding. I was like, I feel like I've seen a photo of your parents. I look just like him. That joke did not land. My sister looks

exactly like my mom and I look like my dad. Wait, you're twins? Fraternal, obviously. One's very tall. Yeah, seven inches taller. Fraternal, obviously. Yeah. One's very tall. Yeah. Seven inches taller. Your twin is seven inches taller. My twin is seven inches.

I'm five foot two and she's five foot nine. I mean, our daughter's going to look just like Nick. So. We'll see. How does it feel to look just like your dad? I look good. Her! Okay.

Sorry. Yeah. Okay. Well, speaking of situationships like our last caller, we do have a writer in her who said my situationship liked me on hinge. So the email reads, I have known my situationship for 12 years. Within that time, we met, hooked up, got married to other people, then divorced those people and started hooking up with each other again. Saturday morning, I woke up to him texting me asking if I saw my hinge. I said, no, are you in my likes? And he said, I might be. I jokingly say to him that he's

going to have to wait a minute because I have to sift through so many likes, intended sarcasm. He starts telling me about his dates and how they're all ready to move in with him after one date. So when I find his profile, I match with him and jokingly slide in with, you're hot, can I move in? We kind of just chat back and forth for a while, telling each other how funny our prompts are and how hot our pics are.

He listed his dating goals as looking for a long-term relationship. So what do I do? Nick always says that someone wants more in a situationship and I was trying so hard for it not to be me. My hesitation was that his divorce wasn't final until October or November of this year, so I want to tread lightly, but I do like him. I would be open to dating him, but don't know what he thinks, and I have no idea how to approach this. Help a girl out.

So they haven't dated. And you can't refer to someone as a long-time situationship while you were married in between i just no she said i've known my situationship for 12 years why is within but it doesn't i don't know what what makes them in a situationship right now other than the fact that they're just hooking up i think there's just like they're kind of they are hooking up yeah they're currently hooking up yes Yeah. They're currently hooking up? Yes. Yeah. Because I guess the whole matching on the app confused me. Well, he just saw her on the app and thought it was funny to like her page, and then they started communicating on the app.

That's just so bizarre. How? I think it's kind of cute. And on the app, he's telling her about other dates? That was before. So she slid into his messages on the app with your hot, can I move in? Gotcha.

Because he's like, oh my God, everyone wants to move in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it sounds like they matched on Hinge. Meanwhile, he's texting her on the side of, hey, look at your Hinge, they're hooking up. We have multiple channels of communication happening. Yeah, it's a bit childish. I don't know what to go on here.

How would she take it to the next level? Well, she's known this guy. Have an adult conversation. How old are these people? Do we know? Do not know. Well, they're both married and divorced. He's getting his divorces finalized at the end of this year.

So I can see where she's like. I took it as it got finalized at the end of last year. Oh, is that? it's past tense. My hesitation was that his divorce wasn't finalized until October, November of this year. So of 2023. Yeah. I think she just needs to have an adult conversation with him.

You know what? Like she's when I, I always say about situationships, like usually one person wants to make it a relationship and the other person doesn't. It seems unclear his intentions. And then she says, I like him again. Sure. What does I like him mean to her?

What do you like about him? You know, what about the relationship that you do have makes you want to date him? He also has his prompt is looking for something serious. Right, Ali? Sure. Yeah. Looking for a long-term relationship. So maybe she hits him up, maybe outside of the apps.

I'd get off the apps and then say, I hear you're looking for a long-term relationship. And then one of those emojis, the hand-raised emojis. But yes, it is going to require direct communication. You're going to have to not tiptoe around the idea. And in her case, she's going to have to not tiptoe around the idea. And in her case, she's going to have to make the first move because she knows what she wants. And I know that's not what she wants to do. She wants him to let her know how he feels about her and take the pressure

off her. But, you know, she might wait forever for that. And typically, you know, when you're having sex with someone without a committed relationship, usually the guy isn't the one who says, you know what, I want more responsibility and more expectations with the sex that I'm currently already getting. So I would cut off the sex and tell them that you want to date them. I think that your response, I hear you're looking for a long-term relationship with a hand raising emoji is a perfect, still funny, still lighthearted, but also gets the point across that you are looking for that. Yeah. It's a great response.

Text him that. Right now. Right now. If you're listening to this. But text it to him. Yeah. But yeah, situations are not as complicated as everyone makes them out to be. as complicated as everyone makes them out to be.

It's usually just wanting to put all the responsibility about making a situation ship into a relationship on the other person. Anyway, we have a great episode lined up for you guys. We've got some great callers and a great week as always. Our reality recap tomorrow with some banger guests. We got our friends of show. Sierra Robison returns and Raina Greenberg from Girls Gotta Eat will get into the weeds of all things Vanderpump, Housewives, A Little Bachelor. It'll be a lot of fun.

We'll probably get more Into the Tom episodes. Lots to get into. Be sure to join us tomorrow. And on Thursday, a very iconic guest. We're very excited to share with you. The one and only Denise Richards is with us for an episode of Going Deeper. You will not want to miss that.

Just iconic. I mean, really, I've been a fan of Denise Richards since, what was the A-high? Since Wild Things. Basically, yeah. Me too. Just a really great guest. Anyways, more bangers lined up for you guys.

Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, mediation, you know the drill. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, I'm Stella. I'm 29, and I'm second guessing my out of state move with my partner.

Okay. Tell me about your relationship with your partner. We met about a year ago. Well, we actually met on New Year's. I had been single for some time. We matched on Hinge a couple of days before and then met up on New Year's night. We've been together ever since. It was like instant

connection. It's been really great and then he has a pretty good job and pretty serious. He's unhappy in his current position and wanted to take on another role that would get him to his, you know,

tenure plan in half the time. And I was like, that's great. You should explore those options. So we were eight months in and he asked if I would move with him out of state. And I said, yes, I love you. I want to be with you. Let's do it. And then it all got really real, really fast.

And now I'm moving 10 hours away from everyone I know just to be with him. Yeah. And now my ex is on my mind. Why is your ex on your mind? Just moving and packing. I found pictures. He always DMs me every once in a while we have mutual friends um we've avoided each other for four years now but we still have mutual friends and what i mean i get moving and and finding old photos that you know bring up nostalgic feelings i get that and reminiscing you know i don't know why your ex broke up but it's a lot it was toxic okay for five years not good that it was toxic but it's good that you can still say that and remember that but i guess what i'm saying four years later after finding a photo of a happy moment will certainly make you go oh so let's just like throw away in your head this the x part we're not actually

considering going back to him are we right no no i sent him like a closure dm was like i hope you're doing well i wasn't my best version of myself i don't think you were either something along the lines of that and i was like i hope you're doing well if we ever cross paths i don't think you were either something along the lines of that. And I was like, I hope you're doing well. If we ever cross paths, I don't want it to be awkward. Okay. That's good. He messaged me back and was like, I miss you, to be honest. Okay. Well, and I never replied, but that's just toxic behavior.

And I get that. I think good. I'm definitely spiraling and just kind of maybe looking for reasons to run. What have you talked about with your current partner about your reservations? Like how honest have you been? Like what conversations have you had with your current partner about what this move might look like? How he might be able to make it easy for you? Has he in any way empathized with you about like, hey, thank you for doing this is obviously such a big decision that we're making together, but I'm, I'm clearly asking a lot of you, has he wrecked, like what,

what conversations have you guys had? So, I mean, I think my biggest like thing was just like my tribe of people, um, about two and a half years ago, I quit drinking alcohol. my core people are here. And I just had a little baby niece. She just turned one. I love her. She's like my little world. My sister almost died in childbirth. And so I had to like take over that role in the first month.

So there's just like a bond there that's like really really strong that now that I'm leaving it it feels wrong and I've told him like I think I might be reservations I'm so excited for our life together but it just like everything unfolded within a matter of like six weeks like bam you got the new job. Bam, you bought a new house. It just seems like I'm going to fit into his life. And I've told him that. And he was like, no, we're building this together. Like, I understand.

Okay, that's great that he said that. But is he showing that? I feel like he's caught up in excitement. Yeah, listen, a guy who has a 10-year plan for starters and then comes up with a solution to reduce his 10-year plan to a five-year plan is clearly someone who plans, right? And clearly is a very regimented person on some level. Would that be accurate? Yeah. Okay.

And that can be really positive in a lot of aspects. Okay. And that can be really positive in a lot of aspects. But this sounds like it's very much his plan. And it sounds like you are feeling that, you know? And so it's one thing for him to say, hey, babe, no, this is our life we're building together. Like, it doesn't feel like that for you. Now, granted, yes, he got the job. You can't do anything. You're moving for his job. That's just a fact. You wouldn't be moving if it weren't for this job. So yes, you are moving for him. And that's something that people in relationships often do. When Natalie and I got together, she moved for me. She left Savannah, Georgia, left her job that she liked and moved to a place where she had no friends you know uh i didn't there were some certainly struggles you know when we moved i we had a lot of

conversations that i was like hey like first like thanks for doing this like i know that you are i just me acknowledging to her that i knew she was giving up a lot and then i knew that it would be hard for her and i support you know and that like if she it would up a lot. And then I knew that it would be hard for her. And I support, you know, and that like, if she, it would make sense if she wanted to visit home often. And my financial position at the time was different than her financial position at the time. So it was like, Hey, listen, if you ever like want to go fly home, like, let me know I can, I can help out. You know, she was making a big sacrifice for me. So me recognizing that I just, I tried to as much as I could, cause I can only do so much. Like she was going to move to LA,

right? She was going to move into my house, but as much as I could, I could say, Hey, I get it. I understand your feelings are normal. Your reservations are normal, but like, what can I do to help? You know? So I guess my question is, is he doing like what I, what I told you, I said to Natalie, has he tried to do stuff like that other than just saying, Hey, we're doing this together? No. I mean, now that I'm reflecting, it's definitely all verbal. He makes significantly more money than me. And I have talked about needing to come home or come back here more often. And this isn't, he hasn't like necessarily offered. He was like,

yeah, of course we're going to come back more often. Here's what I think you need to do. I think you need to sit them down and just say, Hey, listen, like I love you and I want to build a future with you. That's true. But as you know, I'm getting very anxious about moving and not, I'm not getting anxious about moving with you. I'm being very anxious. I'm getting very anxious about leaving my niece, leaving my sister, leaving my friends, my support system, you know, and yeah, you're my support system, but obviously you're going to be very excited and very focused on this new job.

That's going to take a lot of your energy and a lot of your time. And I'm very nervous. Well, he's already engulfed in that. Sure. He's already gone. Yeah. Well, it's not going to get better anytime soon. Right.

So, like, you know, I'm nervous about, like, you being my only support system and you not being around because obviously you're going to be preoccupied with work. And I just want to talk to you about that and just want to, you know, I want to get ahead of it. I can't afford to fly home or drive home all that much, but I do want to, not only do we want to go home together, would you be okay with me going home once a month? Like, could you help out? If you're going to move with a guy or for a guy and live with a guy,

you need to start being comfortable with having conversations that, you know, people in serious committed relationships have that include money and expectations and responsibilities, you know, and things like that. Yeah. And it doesn't sound like you've had some of those conversations.

I think, well, we've had a lot of them. I just, I think I have, I struggle asking for help. So, I mean, I know that about myself. Like I just, I'm, I'll do everything myself, even when someone's next to me and he'll, you know, like, and they'll be like, can I help you? And I'm like, no, I got it. Like, I don't know. I don't, I'm getting lost right now. I'm so sorry. He's so patient and so loving and we've had difficult conversations, but like, yeah, I mean, I guess I, I guess I do need to ask if he's willing to help more financially. I guess another layer to it is when he bought the house there is he bought that house within with you know

expectations we had the conversation obviously what i could contribute to that um and now it's he it almost just feels like a pressure cooker like i can't like i've got i've gone too far and like he's relying on me too you know i don't know what do you mean like not that okay so his house here it all happened so fast so he decided to keep it and rent it out okay doesn't have renters in it yet so that's he has to pay the mortgage on it right now obviously okay our house there is significantly larger and has an adU on it in the back that someone rents out. And he has, I mean, there's a renter in there, but now they're leaving at the end of January last minute with the other house mortgage and this mortgage. I mean, that's a lot of money.

And it's like, what if I did decided not to go? That leaves him in a very terrible position, you know, because we agreed on going and doing this together and what I could contribute. Although my name is on the house. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Like that's, that's just a lot of information and we're kind of getting into the weeds. Right. I mean, my honest response to that is I think, is this a personal opinion of mine? Like, I don't think he should be getting into financial situations he can afford on his own. And I think it's unnecessary pressure he is putting on the relationship or both of you, because not, not only are you now his partner, you're, you're in business together and in a way. That's what it feels like. And that's where I'm starting to get uncomfortable.

Your relationship shouldn't have this like unnecessary pressure of like, well, what happens if I do something different? How like, will he be able to afford that? You know, how old are you again? 29.

How old is he? 32. Okay. Also like if you're paying rent, are you getting equity? You know, that's a whole nother. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. You know. I've never lived with a partner either.

Yeah. Okay. Listen, here's ultimately what you need to do. You can get in the weeds. There's probably a million things and you sound like a bit of a worrier. I'm a worrier. Yes. Okay. And you can go down rabbit holes and what about this? Or what about that? Or what, you know, and you can't predict the future and you can't predict every problem you have. And it doesn't do you any good, uh, gamifying all these potential like problems and like working through like how it could go badly or whatever. I mean, God, that's just so stressful. You know what I'm saying? You just need to have a more upfront conversation with him. And when I say ask for help, it doesn't

necessarily have to be anything specific about, Hey, I need more money. It's just like, listen, I need your help because I'm having a lot of reservations about this move. Here are my concerns. You know, like how on the fence are you about not moving? I mean, like my first instinct in the gut, like the instinct in my gut says to go. It's like, okay. You can always move home too. You know, there's that too. But like, he just like, listen, it's a lot of pressure to move. too you know there's that too but like he just like listen it's a lot of pressure to move right and what i'm saying is like when matt when now when when now and i started dating and we didn't have a ton of history you know we kind of had this on and off again hook up thing for nine months and then we decided to give our relationship a chance it was

like all right well if we're gonna do this like long distance isn't easy. So like, fuck it. Like we took a huge risk, a risk that like, and I was aware of the risk, but it was a risk, you know? And so even though I was taking a risk, I tried to be like, all right, we as a couple try to acknowledge what are these challenges of this risk we're taking? Because it's just a lot of stress, right? Like imagine like Natalie moves and all of a sudden she's feeling a little lonely or sad from missing home. And I interpret her sadness as feelings towards me. And then all of a sudden it's like, why are you acting differently?

And then I get the fence. You know, you see how these things can snowball, right? And so you two just needed to communicate better and be more open about your fears and concerns. You have to be willing to ask each other for help. He can't be dismissive. And I don't know if he is being like, babe, it's fine. We're doing this together. But is it really? Do you feel like you're involved in all the decisions? Are you making decisions together? Or is he presenting you options that you're saying yes and no to? The latter, I think.

Okay. Well, so he's very much in control of the decisions that the relationship is making yeah you're not you're not equal part in this move this is his move and you're tagging along yeah that's how it feels so you got to let him know that empathize with him first babe see i've done i've had that conversation and i've started it exactly and that. And how'd that go? Tell me. And he, like, he just, he's like able. Hold, time out, time out. Role play with me. How did that go? Explain to me that conversation you had. What conversation? I said, Hey babe, like I know that you're getting, you can be in your head a little bit. I know that work is a lot. I know this move is a big stressor on both of us. I am worried. I feel like I'm moving in to be a roommate. And he like smooth talked me down. He was like, I showed you

the house before I bought it. You I asked for your opinion on it. Like, you'll never feel like a roommate. Like, to me, like, this is us like starting our life and you don't know what that looks like because you've never done it well that's condescending it just got kind of got talked down to where like i didn't looking back on it i didn't feel like i knew what i was talking about enough so just like yeah yeah the you you've never done this before so you don't know what you're doing didn't help you feel more comfortable. Yeah. Yeah, listen, we have all said condescending things

where we don't mean to be condescending. But you just have to find a way to get on the same page. Maybe bring them on here together. I'm sure you might, maybe. I didn't tell them I was coming on here, obviously. I mean, listen, you just, your relationship is lacking some communication you know you clearly care about this guy you're happy about your

relationship but this is a very scary step for you this is all normal this is all okay and it sounds like he can he needs to do a little bit better of a job of empathizing with you and going out of his way to get ahead of things that might worry you you know he can only do so much for sure but like he could probably do a better job of making you feel like it's okay to have the fears that you have you know instead of instead of saying i don't get why this or you've never done this before and it's all going to be fine. I think, too, and I say it, I'm like you. I don't understand why you don't understand why I'm so upset because he's done this before when he left home. You know, he lived with his nephews and was like nieces and honestly helped raise them.

So, like, it, I don't know, it's just starting to feel disconnected. Like he was very empathetic in the beginning about it and like understanding. And the more it goes on, it's like almost feels like, why are you still crying about it? You know? No, I get it. And I get, you know, and I've been in his shoes before where you, you, he clearly knows this is an issue, but you, the two of you haven't been able to get to a place where you're you're understanding really what's going on to be honest you don't sound like i get pushover you don't sound like the best communicator no okay i'm working on it and that's okay not everyone is but maybe he's not either all right but clearly you two are not communicating in a way that is solving the

conflict that you guys are experiencing. And now you're getting frustrated and he's getting frustrated, which is normal in a relationship when conflict isn't resolved over time. Because the more you feel disconnected and the more you feel like you're not on the same page, you both get frustrated. And that leads to greater disconnection. I feel like I'm not really open to having... I'm open to it. I'm not having the conversations because I guess I feel a little shut down. By him? In a sense, yeah.

Tell him that. It's nice to tell me everything's going to be okay, but that's not enough. Yeah, it shouldn't be enough. Why is it going to be okay? You guys need a plan. And he's a planner. So what... Hey Hey babe, I just want to like, I want a little more clarity on, you know, how this move is going to be. Again, I'm just really nervous about like leaving my

entire support system, especially while your priority is going to be, you know, I know me, but also work and I'm just going to get real lonely you know like what are you going to do for work by the way um so i'm interviewing right now when i quit drinking a couple years ago i quit my job in marketing um and just did a full reset and been waiting tables at a really nice restaurant i actually just underneath you today though got for another marketing job great up there so kind of stepping back into that

realm again are you moving to a big city a small city a big city okay a city Salt Lake City

yeah so you'll have people you can meet I guess over time I'm just not like an overly friendly person I guess

like I am it'll take time in my job or when I have to be but like I guess. Over time. I'm just not like an overly friendly person, I guess. It'll take time. In my job or when I have to be, but I feel like I just struggle to make those deep connections. But you're clearly able to make them. Yeah. They're just far and few between. What do you mean?

I just stick. I stick to the people around me. comfortability i guess it will take time to meet new friends but you can do it over time is all i'm saying you're telling me the same thing my therapist told me i don't care if you move i'm not trying to convince you to move or not i don't i don't care yeah no i know i am just trying to convince you to move or not. I don't, I don't care. Yeah. No, I know. I am just trying to help you figure out how to get more clarity in your situation and feel more connected to your partner. And I think, you know, maybe you're in therapy now. Like maybe is this, are you guys in couples therapy? No. Well, couples therapy is a great way to help couples who have a hard time communicating about tough subjects, work through those tough subjects. Because it's like having a mediator,

you know? Yeah. So if you guys don't want to call in, totally fine. But like, this might be something, honestly, if you're going to move, you know what you could say to them? If nothing else, babe, like I'm just a little i have a hard time sometimes sharing my frustrations with you and i listen i know you have the best intentions i'm again tell him that you're proud of him proud of the hard work he's doing uh that how motivated he is to get this job you're really proud of him and start any of those types of tough conversations with you know what what great things you think he's doing. And then say, hey, listen, I feel like I have a hard time communicating with you my concerns. And sometimes I don't feel like

either I'm not communicating effectively or you're not hearing me properly or a combination of both. But I think it's really important for us to make sure that we're on the same page because this moving is going to be stressful for both of us and it's already stressful for me. But I really want to make this work because I care about you. But I don't want my fears and insecurities and all the things I'm worried about to get in the way for us making this successful. Would you be willing to go to couples therapy with me to help us communicate about some of these tough subjects? Because again, I know you have the best intentions, but right now, I still have a lot of reservations about this move. And whether you mean to or not, sometimes I feel like you just tell me in so

many words to just like, it's all going to be fine and not to worry about it. And you know what? Maybe it will all be fine. But you know me, I do worry about these things and I would feel a lot more okay with this if we made a plan about certain things, you know, I'd like to visit home on a regular basis, you know, whatever it is you want to talk about, you know, but you need to know that he understands your struggle and him just saying to you, it's going to be fine. You don't know what you're talking about is not helping you feel better about this move. No, yeah, definitely. So he's actually in the process right now of trying to find a new therapist out there. He hasn't had one. He said that he had one when we first met and then they just kind kind of fizzled out I guess I don't really know but um

you know I asked him I was like okay what are you feeling like you like needing to be in therapy for right now you know like it's all of a sudden you just you haven't been in it for a year so I'm just curious and he was like just he said that he just wanted to be able to talk to someone without laying on his problem on me okay that's great and so I don't know if like did you think that was bad or something no but I know I think it's great I'm encouraging to go back to therapy yeah but it sounds like you guys could really benefit trying to do that right now is that something we do we both should let him find one and then we find one together? I mean, I don't think it really matters.

I guess I don't really know what that looks like. If you guys decide to get in couples therapy, you should get a couples therapist that's not your individual therapist. Right. That's what I was thinking. So other than that, I don't think it really matters what happens first. I just don't want to throw him off his own whatever he he's searching for i guess or what do you mean like not searching for but just apparently there's something there that he's not talking to me about you know no you're seeing why why are you seeing him getting into therapy as a negative thing or something you need to worry

about you kind of are i don't i don't think i am i just you're suggesting that he's getting into therapy because there's things he doesn't want to talk to worry about. I'm not. You kind of are. I don't think I am. I just... You're suggesting that he's getting into therapy because there's things he doesn't want to talk to you about that he wants to talk to someone else about. Well, I think because he keeps just telling me, so it's not weighing on me. But I'm like, we have to talk to each other. Yeah, you got to talk to each other. And yes, he still needs to communicate things that he's worried about. But sometimes it's just nice to vet with someone because he doesn't want to bring every single problem into the relationship because

that could be heavy. And he might be able to work through some of the stuff with the therapist so that when he communicates to you, he's got a clear understanding of his own insecurities and his concerns. He's going to work through the things that he stresses about and the things that he ruminates about in therapy, just like you are. When you're in therapy, are you in therapy to hide things from him? No. No. You're just in therapy to work through some things that you're struggling with, things that you worry about, and probably get advice or some guidance on how to communicate that with your partner. You got to change your narrative about why he's getting into therapy.

Yeah. I guess what I didn't mean to like put it off coming off as like negative. Like I do support it. I was just curious more. So if that if he thought that would deter him, if I asked him,

is that why I'm together? Like I don't want to be like, let's go to couples therapy. And then all of a sudden him, he's not going like solo. And I mean, there are two completely different things. Natalie and I both have individual therapy and we're both,

and we're in couples therapy. I'm in individual therapy to talk about things that I get stressed about. Sometimes it has to do with Natalie. Sometimes it has to do with work. Sometimes it has to do with, you know, other bullshit. And when Natalie and I have couples therapy,

a lot of it, most of it is about making sure we're on the same page, making sure that we don't have any disconnects. If we do have a disconnect of how we both see one situation, I see it one way, she sees it another way. Our therapist helps us get on the same page. You and your boyfriend are not on the same page when it comes to this move. Yeah. I felt like we are, we were in the beginning and like, I think I just feel a little guilty because it's almost like I'm just having second thoughts and changing. And that's normal. But your boyfriend, your second thoughts and your reservations would probably not be as intense if your boyfriend and you were doing a better job of talking through some of these problems.

through some of these problems. Because whether he intends to or not, and I'm sure he doesn't intend to, a lot of the responses that you seem to be getting either come across as dismissive and or condescending. And I'm sure he doesn't mean to. I've been dismissive and condescending all the time when I didn't mean to. But nevertheless, he needs to understand how he is coming across to you. And you're having a hard time articulating that to him. And I'm saying maybe a couples therapist can help. He's having a hard time articulating things to you and vice versa. And I know you're working on being a better communicator. But until then, a couples therapist could go a long way into helping you guys communicate more effectively.

Yeah, I think that will definitely. Yeah, and him finding a new therapist has nothing to do with that. But in the meantime, when you communicate with him, you know, let him know all the positives first, lead with love, lead with positive things, and just ask for help. The fact that you could acknowledge

and I could ask you for help, just say, babe, I just, I really need your help with this. I'm just struggling with this move and can you help me out have asked you for help to say, babe, I really need your help with this. I'm just struggling with this move and can you help me out? If you just say that, I think that will create a much safer environment to work through this problem.

I feel like I have, though. What did you say? Is me crying, saying how hard every time... I'll give you an example. Last Monday, I had Crying, like saying how hard it's like every time. How was that? I'll give you an example. Are you crying?

For example, last Monday, I had seen my sister and my niece. I left. I was like, this is really hard. It's getting harder every time I leave them thinking about being this far away. And I'm crying on the phone and just saying, it's all going to be okay. It's all going to be okay. I can only hear that so many times until I shut down and stop wanting to talk about it. You're not hearing me.

I told you to say one thing and you said, I said that. And then you tell me what you said and that's not what happened. You calling up the phone right after you saw your sister and your niece crying on the phone saying this is getting harder and harder is going to make him feel very defensive. It's going to make him feel like it's all his fault and he is pulling you away. That's not you in a state of calmness, knowing that you're worried about this big picture saying, hey, babe, I'm still struggling here and I need your help, and let's just talk through it. You crying on the phone, it's an emotionally charged moment

all of a sudden. So you're crying, emotionally charged. He feels bad that you're crying. He wants to get you to stop crying. That's his goal. When you're crying on the phone, all he wants to do is have you stop crying. He's not even thinking about solving the problem. So you've got to be mindful of when you're bringing this stuff up. You are bringing it up when you're emotionally charged and you have the right to do that.

I'm not saying it's wrong, but it's going to be harder for you guys to have productive conversations because he's going to get defensive. Yeah, that makes sense. So rather than you calling him up right after you left your sister's house in a state of panic and tears, you know, calling him up like, you know, I'm not saying call them up as soon as you get off the phone with me, but you know, right now you seem pretty chill, you know? I'm a very chill person. Not much bothers me. But you know what I'm saying? You calling them up now when you're in this state is going to be far more productive than you addressing it when you're crying and panicked. You have the right when

you're in that state to call your boyfriend. If he's going to be your boyfriend, you have the right to cry around him and he's going to have to do a good job of trying to help soothe you, I guess. But when he's the reason why you're crying, which he kind of is, it's going to make him feel very defensive. Yeah. I never really thought about it from that way. And that makes sense. I just feel like I personally am rational or sometimes too calm, maybe. But, you know, yeah, because maybe I don't know if this would be helpful. Because I just let things go a lot if it frustrates me. Well, don't. It's not bad intentions.

But I try to, like you said intentions earlier, I try to think about people's intentions. Like, he's my partner. He's not trying to hurt me. He's really trying to soothe me. And this is like how he's doing it. And if it's just not effective to me right now, you know? Well,

yeah, but you got to get, he's got, you, you guys have to get better at it. Right. So I just need to have more uncomfortable conversation. Yes.

And no, I think it's just a lot. What, from what I'm hearing and I haven't met him, but after talking to you, you're not the best communicator. You know that. I've learned that pretty quickly. It's okay. And so you're working on that, and I applaud you for that.

But you just need to get better at communicating in general and more specifically with your boyfriend. Do you think he's a good communicator? Yes or no? I mean, hearing it, it doesn Do you think he's a good communicator? Yes or no? I mean, hearing it, it doesn't sound like he's the best communicator. No, I think he could definitely be better. Yeah. And so what I'm saying, again, the couples therapy would help you guys communicate in general.

And again, a lot of it I think is timing, approach, things like that. You know, I say things like you do X, Y, or Z and you're thinking I did that. And then you tell me what you did and it doesn't sound like, I don't feel like that sounds what I'm telling you to do. Okay. Yeah. It doesn't sound like an accusation, you know, asking for help and like calmly, but not like in a panic. That way, when you say, hey, babe, I really need your help. I'm really struggling with this move. And he says something like, babe, it's going to be okay.

You can calmly say, hey, babe, I know that, you know, we love each other. And I'm guessing you're just basing, you know, our love for each other on why you keep saying it's going to be okay. But I do need a little bit more than you just telling me to be okay. And you can say, babe, I know you don't mean it like this, but when you say it's going to be okay, quite honestly, it just kind of comes across as dismissive. And again, I don't think you mean to be dismissive of me, but that's how I'm interpreting it. And you guys have to be able to articulate how each other says things and how you interpret it. So you can learn going forward. Right now, you're just talking at each other and to each other the way you've

always talked at and to people. And you're expecting each other to hear it in the way you are saying it. And that's not how people communicate. But people in relationships learn about each other, understand their bad habits or good habits or just their habits in general. But you two aren't doing that. And so you're having these conversations and it doesn't feel like it's going anywhere because it's just doing the same thing over and over. Yeah, it's like a circle.

I was like, I feel okay for a second. And then like, because I had to, I tried to to have the conversation but then there's no result and so it's the same thing i mean what you need are some actually concrete solutions that might change how would you have felt like let's say for example you left your sister's house you left your niece you're all upset you call them up you say babe i'm just really struggling i don't know what to do i'm gonna miss them and what if he would have said, hey, babe, I understand. You have every, like, I get it. Like, you know, you obviously really love them.

And I totally understand how much you're going to miss them. What if, babe? And, you know, let's be flexible here. But, like, what if that you plan on seeing them at least once a weekend a month, you know? And how would that have made you feel? Over the moon. There you go, know? And how would that have made you feel? Over the moon. There you go, right? That's not that complicated.

And, you know, and maybe he still will because you wanted something that made him, made you feel like he really understood you. You wanted him to help you, you know, guys love coming up with solutions and he like missed the one opportunity to come up with a solution. But maybe he's not open to that because he's, you know, not even thinking about it. But so there's ways that

he can communicate and he can meet your needs and you got to find ways to get him to understand that. But when he is dismissive, whether he intends to or not, you have to say calmly, babe, like, like you keep saying that, but what I need more than just general assurances, I want a little bit more clarity on like, when am I going to see my sister and my niece? And yeah, I'm willing to move for you, but like, I need your help because I would really love your support with the fact that I really would like to go home at least once a month. And I'd love your support in that. And what does that support mean? Well, that could start with just him being like super supportive in general. Like, oh my God, and not making you feel guilty about it.

And maybe that support could be helping you financially. It's like, well, again, I don't have a ton of money. I'm still looking for a job. Like, what happens if I can't afford it? Would you be willing to help? Because at the end of the day, he wants to make it work with you. He wants you to move with him. I'm assuming he wants you to be happy.

So you're just giving him the resources of how you can be happy with this move. You're making a ton of sacrifices. He just needs to make some as well. And it sounds like he's willing to do that. But you got to communicate what those possible solutions are. No, yeah, I think it's good. I know I feel like not necessarily better, but like,

obviously when I listened to your podcast, I like hearing your perspective from things like, cause I don't, I know I can't see it like that, but yeah, I think maybe if I just had that conversation and said, here's a couple of things that would make me feel better. I think he would be more than willing to figure out a way to yeah make those

things happen for me there you go when are you supposed to move in two weeks two weeks okay yeah well i don't know if we'll be able to have a mediation before that because we're taking off for the holidays but if you guys after you move listen go move you can always come home yeah and that's like another thing i just like felt bad about like because i almost planned more of an exit strategy like in my head i keep that's how i've been feeling okay it's like telling myself you can always come back like you have places to go when natalie moved to la she didn't give up her apartment right away you know she held on to it for like three months because it was like this is is crazy. I'm moving across the country for a

guy, quite honestly, I've only known for less than a year. And it was crazy. And we took a huge risk. I guess what I'm saying is don't judge yourself for it. It's not a big deal. What you're feeling is normal. But don't psych yourself out even more. If you have a little bit of a backup plan, that's fine. You guys are taking a risk. It's not a big deal. But don't make a bad situation worse by freaking yourself out and thinking about all the worst possible outcomes. Yeah, I've definitely spiraled into it and kind of lost. You've gotten out of a toxic relationship.

You got sober. You reset your life. These are all very challenging things that you have overcome. You can move 10 hours away with a guy you love. Yeah. And I have been really excited. Yeah. And you can keep in touch and you can talk to your sister. As much as I thought we were communicating, I think we were, I think you're right. We're, we're both communicating, but we're not effectively communicating. Yeah. We're not listening to each other. In our own variation. Yeah. You're talking at each other. You're not listening and that's hard to do.

And it's okay if you need help doing it. But go and seek the help. Well, thank you. All right. Well, keep us posted. Yeah. Good luck.

I'll send you a little update after the new year. And honestly, let him know you called. It's fine. Just think, I'm really struggling with this. And if he wants,

I'd love to have you guys come on together after you move. Because even after you move, there's a lot of things you guys could do to ease each other's nerves when it comes to this move. Be very intentional. Again, you're going to be lonely. You're not going to have any support system. So how is he going to plan on balancing out him prioritizing work and prioritizing you?

And you need more than a, it's going to be okay, babe. You need to talk it through. You need some active solutions and let's talk through it together. It'll be fine. You'll figure it out. But the good news is you guys want to make this work and that's a great start, but you got to have, you have to figure out how to get to where you want to go. And it's always okay to ask for help.

Okay. Which I struggle with. Well, you called here. ask for help. Okay. Which I struggle with. Well, you called here. So that's step one. You're in therapy, individually therapy. He's open to therapy. So get into couples therapy. So I guess my only other question on that would be like,

I want to be like, we need to go to couples therapy, but I don't have the funds to pay for that right now. Well, hey, babe, I'm moving. I don't't have a job i'm taking a big risk for you would you be willing to help here like i mentioned this in my book too i mean he clearly is making more money than you so this whole idea that you guys should be splitting things 50 50 is absurd in my book and if he's willing you know he's asking you to make big sacrifices what sacrifices is he willing to make for you and sitting there like you know pinching pennies and and making sure that you pay for your he's a penny pincher i mean not as so much as like everything i mean we just yeah i'm not so much about money like i'm like oh you bought dinner this night i'll buy it this night it's not about like prices and stuff like that.

You're not using him. You're willing, obviously, to participate in work. So yes, I think you are well within your rights to just say, hey, babe, I think we should do this. I can't afford it right now. Would you be willing to step up? But I think we need this because I think we have a hard time communicating with this.

And I don't think you guys should be sweating a few hundred bucks a week that could really have a benefit in your relationship. Yeah, I've just never had to ask a partner or anybody really for help. I've been independent since I was 16. Well, you need to get better at asking your partner for help. If you're going to be in a relationship, that's a big part of being in a relationship is to be able to count on each other

and be there for each other. And you can't sit there and expect each other to guess what the other person needs all the time. Yeah. There's good tips. Yeah, I have a plan. Alright. Keep us posted. We'll follow up with you in the new year and maybe see if it makes sense to do a little mediation call.

Yeah. I don't like keeping secrets. That's not how I live my life anymore, so I'll definitely tell him. I just didn't want to have his input before. Yeah, this isn't a big deal. I get you're stressed out, but this is more than salvageable. And from now until when you

move, try to be excited. You're going to miss your sister and her niece aren't going anywhere. You can FaceTime them every day. Again, you can always move home. 10 hours away isn't that far. Are we talking drive or plane flight? Drive. Okay, so that's a 45-minute flight, an hour flight, you know.

Yeah. This is manageable. Yeah. All right. Yeah, definitely. So let's think about solutions rather than worry about problems. Yeah. I didn't ask for those things, but how could he offer without my input?

Yeah. You'll get there. We just got to get on the same page. And I appreciate you pointing that out, telling me I've still got work to do. We all do. It's okay. We all do. All right.

Next. You have a good rest of your day. You too. Happy New Year. Good luck on your move. And I'm sure we'll talk in the new year. Keep us posted. Yeah, definitely will. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Squeezed.com. It's time to get your juice cleanses on. Cleanses in general are just really good for you. They're just healthy. Allie, I feel like you are a juice cleanse queen. God, I'm so honored. Thank you.

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Visit drinkhappyviking.com and use promo code VIALL for 20% off your first purchase. That's 20% off at drinkhappyviking.com with code VIALL. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Aaliyah. I am 26 years old, and I'm wondering if I should contact my father, who I've never met. Do you want a little backstory?

Yeah, just give me a little backstory about your family history. There you go. Okay. So I don't know too much. All I know is that my, it wasn't like a one night stand, but my mom did date my dad for a little while. And then she got pregnant with me. And I think the plan was that he was going to be part of my life at the beginning. But once I was born, he called my mom and he basically asked her if she want him to be a part of my life. And she respond like something like, honestly, not really.

But she is your daughter's and it's your decision. And so then she said that after that comment, he just hung up and she never heard from him again. Okay. Bummer. And I guess now fast forward to you being 23. How, like, what makes you think about this now? Why are you considering this? Do you have his information?

Even like, do you know where he is? Could you call him up right now? No, no, I actually don't. So I've actually been considering for like the past year of like sending in my DNA to ancestry.com, which I don't even even know if I'll actually be able to find him on there. It could be a really long process. Yeah. Unless he's done it, right?

I've just been doing therapy recently and I've just been thinking about it. I think I kind of just like told myself growing up that he wasn't real and that he didn't exist. I kind of just told myself that just to get through it. But I don't know, my therapist kind of just helped me realize that he is actually out there and you only live once. But I am a little bit hesitant about doing it at the same time. I mean, what are your hesitations rather? I guess just like the fear of change. I am pretty happy with my life as it is right now.

So I guess like if I do contact him or I get information like that, I would have rather not known. I guess that's something that's like holding me back. Like what? Like he's a terrible person of some kind? Well, I mean, there's a possibility of that. Yes. Um, or yeah, I actually know that I have, um, like two half siblings as well. You do know we're older than me. Oh yeah. Okay. So they're older. So that's how you know.

Yes. Yeah. Um, so yeah, I guess there's like potential relationships there, too. But like, what if I reach out and they don't want anything to do with me? So I guess those are really the thoughts that come to mind. Well, I mean, from what you're telling me, I mean, I kind of feel like why not? I guess. But I how what do you think I should say. So like if I do hand in my DNA and I somehow I'm able to get in contact with him or like a family member of his, what do I even say? Like, I don't even know what I'd even want to hear from him because I don't even know what he could say. But I feel like that's almost a good thing. You have no expectations, you know, so you're not coming in. And how's your relation with your mom right now? It's good. Yes. Good. Okay. And how's your support system in general? It's good. Yeah. It's good. Okay. And you generally happy with your life? I am. Okay, great. So things are pretty good, right? So your interest in possibly reconnecting with your father and possibly meeting

some of your half siblings is really just to add to your life, potentially, right? You're not trying to track down dad and these siblings because you've lost everyone around you and you need them to step up. And the idea of them not wanting to be in your life any more than they did 26 years ago, there might be some mild disappointment, but right now you've lived 26 successful years without him and those people. And it's like you're not asking anything of him. You're just curious. You're just kind of open to meeting him. Your whole life, right now you're operating on the impression that he wants nothing to do with you.

And you've been able to get this far with that idea planted in your head. So if you do reach out and he still wants nothing to do with you, what's changed? I guess the confirmation, but I think I already knew that. He could have contacted all these years, but he didn't. Yes. He definitely could have. Yes. Yes. Okay. So there's actually some more information. I don't know if this would change your answer at all. Um, but I was talking to my mom recently about the whole situation. And she mentioned that when she was pregnant with me, she started to realize that he was like kind of lying a bit about who he is. Um, so she knew him as like one name,

but she actually ended up meeting some of his friends when he wasn't around. And they actually didn't even know of that name. They knew him from a different name. And then also she like reached out to his like workplace. And I don't know. So it just seems like I don't know if he was like involved in like sketchy things. But possibly that changes anything. Not really.

I know of someone to a very different situation, who didn't meet their father. Did you have a stepdad at all? No, no, I didn't. It was just me and my mom and my brother. In this situation, there was a father figure. And this person's idea of their biological father was never positive because her mother had nothing positive to say about this person and rightfully so you know there was a lot of justified reasons why she didn't want her biological father in her daughter's life and very much like your situation there was like a please don't be a part of my life and my daughter's life and that person complied you know didn't put up much of a fight just like your father didn't put up any fight you know yeah your mom said not much of a fight, just like your father didn't put up any fight,

you know? Yeah, your mom said, not really, but the choice is yours. And even if she said, not really, like if I, you know, I would handle that differently. If I had a one night stand with someone, I would very much be a part of that person's life. And that person, even if they said, I don't want you to be a part of their life, I'd say like, well, you know, tough luck. I'm their father. And yeah, I will follow the laws and be respectful and we'll have to figure it out but i you know this is my kid and um but that's just my choice i bring this up because that person finally reconnected uh 40 some years later uh with her biological father and things got a little messy with the family but nevertheless she has a very you know she's seemingly so far happy with the person she's gotten to know over the 40 years. She's almost made the mistake of thinking that the person he's become is the person

he was 40 years ago. You know, so on the flip side, what I'm saying is, let's say you reach out to your father and you find out your father is not only, you know, they're around, but he's a well-respected member of a community, fairly successful, just an all around seemingly from what you can tell solid dude, there's a chance you could be like, what the fuck mom? Did mom tell me everything that I was supposed to know? Or did she tell me things that she wanted me to know because she was afraid of this guy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what I'm saying?

So that honestly, that's something you can consider. I would be very mindful of how your mom feels about this. Like you have to do what you have to do, but if you do it, I would go out of your way to make your mom feel very safe about your relationship. And I would extend to her a lot of love and a lot of appreciation for what she did raising you for these 26 years. And I doubt your mom was perfect. And I doubt, I'm sure she made plenty of mistakes along the way, but you seem like a well-rounded, successful, happy 26 year old person. It's not easy to do, you know? know um so that that's this one note i have for you is to really make sure you you give your mom a lot of attention and love if you do build a connection with your biological father but i the reason i tell that the reason i tell the story is because like it's been 26 years people change

pretty drastically in 26 years some of them grow up you know especially how old was your biological father when he had you i don't know know. My mom was 21, though. So I'm guessing like around there. Pretty young. Yeah, probably a bit of a shithead. So let's say he was a 25 year old fuck boy who, yeah, told a few lies. But who knows? Maybe he's a fucking criminal now.

I don't know. Like, really, it could go either way. But none of this really matters in terms of you finding out who he is, because you can find out you can first find out who he is from afar. He doesn't even have to know you're tracking him down. So you got 23andMe, Facebook, Instagram. Do you know his name? I know his first name, yes.

I think anyway. Will your mom tell you his last name? Yes. It's just we're not too sure if we even have the right name. Oh, okay. Well, you can start, right? Okay. How supportive will your mom be in this?

She said she doesn't want to be involved, but she even said that she would like help me find him. She just doesn't want to have contact with him. Total sense. And then you could say, hey mom, just so you know, like I'm going to be very slow about this because I don't know who he is

and I want to protect you more than anything. Again, little things like that, little comments like that, I think will go a long way with your mom. That you're not throwing caution to the wind and acting like you have to find this man. So you try to look for him from afar. And if you do find him, you can do a little background check on this guy. It doesn't cost a ton of money to do a little background check on anybody. You could start there. Is this a safe person to associate myself with? Assuming there are no major red flags, then you can consider reaching out. And even after you make contact, despite him being your biological father, I would take things very, very, very, very slow.

And I would set some very strong boundaries, regardless of how you feel. And more specifically, you know, regardless of how you feel, you know, and more specifically assuming, let's say, assume you meet him and it's just like, he seems like a great guy and blah, blah, blah. And let's do like, there's a, there's a chance you could reach out. And he has a story about like, that he remembers that conversation with your mom very differently. That's, that's definitely possible, you know? So when you start, you start you know because you could you could meet him and you could say why you know let's say you right now you have no expectations right you reach out you find out who he is he's a normal guy doing normal things whatever you reach out he you guys connect he's like he seems like a nice guy you form this bond well two or three four months in all of a sudden you're like, wait, why did you not

want to be in my life? And you might want to ask that question. And then he might tell you, you know, and that story most likely won't line up with your mom's. It might not 50-50. And I would just have your mom's back. That's all I'm saying. Okay.

Because like you said, just remember, he could have always reached out. I don't give a fuck what he says. He could have found you. And he did it. And I'm not saying you, I'm not saying that. So you hold a grudge, but just remember that if, if, if you find a man who you want to give every benefit of the doubt to, right. Cause I've seen that happen before that's true so so what do you think i should say should i literally just be like let's say i find him on like facebook and i message him and i'm like i think i'm your daughter like what what do i say yeah something like hey frank um i'm sure this message like will will come as a surprise but

i'm pretty sure you're my biological father. I don't know if you remember a woman name, but I've done some research. I don't really have any expectations. I really just, I question reaching out to you for some time. This is very confusing for me, but I just wanted to reach out and see if you're in any way open to maybe exchanging a few emails here or there and seeing where this goes. Something very chill. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. I don't think you have to overthinking. And if it's like, yeah, hey, I'm your daughter. Sure. You could go that. But just you'll find the words. But I would. Yeah, I think I'm just overthinking it. Well, obviously, but not and understandably so.

But keep it simple. Go slow. Keep not having expectations and remind yourself how far you've gotten without him. Right. And remind yourself how much your mom did to bring you to where you're at now. And you have nothing to lose. It's true. And just, you know, and if you do connect with them, take it slow.

Okay. All right. So you think I should do it? I see more pros than cons. Right. But it's just really, it comes down to how you approach it and then the expectations that come as you move further down this process. Think about where you're at right now and check in with yourself

as you move forward. And if you find yourself getting more excited and have more expectations of how this should go, maybe backtrack a little bit because you don't really know how this is going to go. And I don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment. And if you do connect with him, it's going to probably unpack some things that might surprise you and it potentially could create conflict with your mom. It doesn't have to. But again, I would prepare yourself if you do find him for her and his story not to line up. And I wouldn't be interested in for you to take sides.

I would just simply acknowledge the fact that this man, despite whatever your mom said or didn't said, didn't actively track you down. You were the one who did that. And you're willing to forgive that and let that go for the sake of possibly being open to having a relationship with him if he's a type of person who's capable of such a thing. And then just to kind of take it day by day. You might reach out, connect with them, get to know them, and then a year realize this is not someone I want in my life and then put up a boundary and say, hey, I'm sorry, but I just don't think we should be in each other's lives. That's possible too. That's true. I guess I do have control of how this relationship goes if I do choose to. And I think that's the big thing to remember. You have control on this.

All right. Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about. All right. Well, keep us posted. We'd love to know what you decide to do. And if you end up tracking them down, I will definitely let you know for sure. All right. Well, good luck. Happy holidays. Happy New Year. And just make sure you make your mom feel very loved and very appreciative for being your mom. I will for sure. All right. Okay. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye. Let it ride with DraftKings Sportsbook. Hey, it's the Super Bowl. There is no better and more fun time to gamble, to let it ride. You know, make the Super Bowl more interesting.

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name is Cody. I'm 34. And thank you so much for taking my call here. I recently went on a date with a woman who is in a situationship, and I'm wondering if I should let her go or continue shooting my shot here. Okay, interesting. I feel like this is an ask Nick first, shockingly. Really? Okay. Well, how did you find out she was in a situationship? You've been on one date with her? So technically a date. It kind of it. Well, how did you find out she was in a situationship? You've been on one date with her? So technically a date. It kind of was.

I first met her back in August at a concert with some mutual friends. I had known ahead of time that she was kind of in a situationship. She was kind of seeing a guy. But I still got to meet her in person at this concert. And when I first met her, I i mean it was just like wow you know i because i i've met women before that you know i find attractive but this one was just like you know wow like this she's extra special um we started chatting some at the concert as much as you kind of can over a concert. And then, you know, kind of hit it off. She took a selfie of us on Snapchat. We exchanged Snapchat usernames. Then after the concert, we kind of went with our

mutual friends to a kind of bar nearby, had some food and drinks there, kind of talked more, kind of got to know her personality a little bit more. And then that was it. That was it for that night. Then I reached out to her on Snapchat. That's all That was it for that night. Then I reached out to her on Snapchat. That's all I had was just her on Snapchat. I reached out to her a couple days later, just saying, hey, like, what is really great to meet you. You know, and like, I know that you're kind of in this situation ship, I've kind of heard rather that you're in this situation ship. And she just kind of confirmed it, that was kind of a messy thing. And then that's really kind of where I left it at that point. And then we didn't talk for like two weeks after that

okay and then that's where we're at now so then after that so then basically we didn't talk for like two weeks then i reached out to her again just on snapchat um because again that's all i kind of had my only mode of converse of conversation with her and just started know, real surface level stuff was just kind of friendly level stuff with her. Then I kind of asked her, I was like, you know, would you like to go to coffee sometime? She was a little bit hesitant on that, obviously, because of the situation that she was in. But then she kind of had tentatively said, well, maybe we can make it work like later in the week. So I kind of had reached out later in the week and then she ended up just kind of getting busy with some stuff. So then a couple of other weeks went by. And then I kind of reached out to her again about coffee, kind of same kind

of thing, you know, and I was kind of a little bit persistent with it, but at the same time, I, you know, I was still trying to shoot my shot here. So then we fast forward to probably a couple of weeks ago, kind of here at the end of November. I reached out to her again, just kind of wondering about coffee. And then she basically said to me via Snapchat, like, I'm really nervous about getting... Like verbatim, she said, I'm nervous about getting a coffee with you because that might lead to more coffees down the line.

And then she said, you're like, yeah, that's my hope. You're right. So then, and then it kind of said too, that,

you know, I, if I were to have more coffees with you, that would lead to having to make hard decisions that I don't really have the time to make right now, you know, that I'm kind of too busy to make time with. And it's too hard for me right now to make these other decisions. that i'm kind of too busy to make time with and it's too hard

for me right now to make these other decisions so we kind of left it at that um and then she said that's where i come in with my initial question of how long is it pause because then she said to me she's like how about we just pause right now so i said okay what do you pause what are you pausing you asking her out to coffee i I guess pausing conversation or that level of conversation. So to be clear, the only conversations you're having right now is every once in a while you were reaching out to her and said, hey, coffee? And she was like, not right now. And then you'd reach out again, like, hey, coffee?

And it was some other stuff too mixed in there. Okay. Like kind of just friendly conversation. Because we have each other on Facebook too. So we kind of comment back and forth about a little bit of stuff. But it was always me reaching out. But whenever I did reach out, she responded almost right away. Reacted to different things like on Snapchat with laughing face, heart type thing.

So it kind of made me seem like, okay, she's at least interested enough to kind of keep having conversation with me. But she's just kind of nervous about committing to an actual coffee. So basically, we have that we have to pause and then unpause things. I unpause things myself because I was kind of waiting to hear back from you guys. And then, you know, I just kind of reached back out to her and I unpause things myself. Um, cause I was kind of waiting to hear back from you guys. And then, you know, I just kind of reached back out to her and I unpause things and said, how about we just turn it into a meeting? You know, we just meet and I kind of get to know more about you instead of actually calling it an official date. So we met, we met last week. Um, went really, really well. Um, met for like an hour and a half.

And I thoroughly enjoyed the whole conversation. I got to know more about her. I knew that she had two kids, but I didn't really know kind of how messy some of that stuff was. And then I kind of found out more about this situationship that she's in because... She told you about it. Yeah, she told me about it. Yeah. She told me that he's,

he's currently separated from his wife, but he's kind of dragging the whole divorce out. So that's frustrating her because she's already devoted a lot of time into this, into the relationship with him. So she's kind of getting frustrated. So then I was kind of like, oh, well, that kind of makes sense now that you're kind of more accepting of me reaching out to you, if that makes sense. So we kind of left it at that. You know, I said goodbye to her. We did an awkward friend side hug type thing. And then I didn't really hear from her for like a day and a half.

Then she reached out to me with a selfie just saying like, hey, thanks for coffee. It was really, you know, really fun to meet you, smiley face. I left her unread. I didn't even open it for about two hours. And then when I did open it, I didn't respond for like another two hours. But then she reached out to me with like a sad face.

And I said, what's that face about? And she said, well, you didn't respond. So then it's like, what are you saying to me now? She likes your attention. Yeah. So there's that. And that's kind of where it's at. I don't know what to really do now.

I mean, do I continue to try and reach out to her or do I just kind of... Yeah, so this has a lot of red flags in it, for sure. Okay. Just in this, so this, this has a lot of red flags in it for sure. Okay. You know, just in general, going forward, never have a conversation,

uh, about someone's, uh, dating, current dating history or past dating history on a first date with someone you're like, well, you like that.

Am I making sense? Yeah, no, no, no, you are. You are like, you should not tell. It was kind of hard for. Am I making sense? Yeah. No, no. No, you are. You are. I could tell it was kind of hard for her to say all that. Yeah.

I mean, you want to be obviously always respectful, but in a playful way, you put yourself in a tough position because you were trying so hard to meet up with her, and then you kind of negotiated a date. And you're like, well, let's not call it a date. Let's just meet up. And so, what i would have loved you for you to say in a joking way

is like hey you know uh i don't care about this guy i'm not interested in getting to know him but i'd love to know more about you you know and you do that in a playful kind of flirty way but since you kind of were like hey let's just call it a meeting you kind of leftirty way. But since you kind of were like, hey, let's just call it a meeting, you kind of left it open for her to talk to you about him. It's never a good sign when a woman is talking to a man about another guy. Okay. That makes sense. Not a great sign for you. Sure. But she does like your attention. And over the you know i don't know a month or so you have been pursuing her and you've been a little persistent and she clearly has enjoyed

that persistence enough and the good news is she enjoyed the hour and a half that you guys had you know and then you played it right you didn't really follow up with her afterwards which got in her head you know which is crazy how crazy how that happens. Cause I, cause I typically I'm, I'm never one to really wait. Well, yeah, this good job, you know? So remember that, but like her, the fact that she's stuck at a situation ship right now means that she is very much, she responds to attention and validation. She has a hard time standing up for herself. This guy who's, you know, she's getting frustrated over the fact that he, you know, is dragging his feet a divorce is a tale as old as

time. Who even knows if this guy's getting a divorce? For all we know, he has no plans of getting a divorce and he's actually in the middle of having an affair with her. And she is, you know, that's a strong possibility. that's interesting what does i mean what do you mean like if this guy was actually separated and serious about getting a divorce then that wouldn't stop him to committing to her would it no so the fact that she is either using his divorce as an excuse as to why he can't commit to her or she's just believing his lies and instead instead of uh seeing it for what it is she is you know living in denial we all we've all been there you know i'm not judging her and she is always responding to his validation and it's a bit scary

that she's so quick to respond to yours via snapchat yeah yeah so when was the last communication you had with her uh it was it was probably over the weekend and how that weekend it was just kind of surface level stuff uh we had kind of we had talked about a few different things like similar board games that we like and i sent a picture of a board game tour that i liked and it was just real surface level stuff. Has she asked about getting together with you again? No, no. But when we did leave, I kind of mentioned to her like, you know,

hey, I'd really kind of like to do this again. And she had said, well, let me check my schedule. But then that's kind of where that was left at. All right. So here's what you need to do. It's real simple. Okay. Similar to what you did after the first coffee, wait for her to reach out again.

Okay. And I'm guessing since that one time where you left her on read, it didn't respond. You've been very responsive since then. I've tried not to be. I've tried to just kind of hold off some and just kind of busy myself because I have kind of learned through past experience. I mean, 34,

you know, I've been through some past experience where like just kind of holding off and not really appearing as desperate as kind of worked. So here's what you need to do. All right. Wait for her to reach out again. Don't respond. Okay.

See if she reaches out again after you don't respond. So you open it up and you don't respond. If she never responds again, you have your answer. Clearly she's not that committed to whatever, you know, whatever she sends. If, if, if she sends you some sort of Snapchat and you don't respond and she just goes away, you have your answer. You didn't, and you didn't fuck up by the way. You don't, you don't need to get in your head and be like, oh my God, I didn't respond to her. She thinks

I'm an asshole. I ghosted. No, you just didn't respond. It's one message. You could have easily just forgot all about it. You're a busy guy. You don't owe this girl anything. You're not in a relationship. Don't go down some rabbit hole blaming yourself for clearly what wasn't a priority for her. But don't worry. I'm 95% sure she will follow up again. And when she does, you say, hey, sorry. I'm sorry I missed your message. That was rude of me. I just got caught up with something and I kind of forgot about it. And then you say, that being said, or whatever, I've just been doing some thinking. And listen, I have really, really enjoyed getting to know you and I really enjoyed our coffee, but it sounds like you have a lot going on right now. And you're in a situation where you can't actively like, you know, I'm looking for someone that I can get to know and, you know, be kind of committed. I have plenty, you know, I don't want to say I have plenty of friends, but just say, listen, I'm, I think you're great. And I'd love to get, you know, you more, but you have a lot going on.

So if you don't want to like get to know each other on potentially a romantic level and you're not ready to say goodbye to what you have going on, I totally get it. But like, you know, maybe this isn't the right time for us to get to know each other better. Okay. That's what you say. Okay. And she almost, she's not going to give you the answer you want. Probably. Sure. She'll make up some excuses or whatever and then she might you know but you got to hold your ground because you know she's got to take you seriously and you and and what you don't want to be is what she is to this guy and that's pretty common she is being treated like an option from this guy and she's getting used by this guy and let on, you know, and now she can almost do it with you. And so what you don't want to be is her fix for when she's not getting attention from him. And I bet that's what's going on right now is that when I bet you hear from her when she doesn't hear from him, anytime he disappoints her, she reaches out to you. And I'm wondering too, like, you know, how often the two of them are even hanging out. Who knows? But like, it's just, listen, you had

a good time. You met her, you've played your cards pretty right at this point, but she's been pretty upfront with you. That fact that she is actively pursuing another guy. So you're not, you're not a friend. You're not trying to be your therapist. You're, you're interested in her. And so if you're interested in her, act like you are not just an option but a real like a potential a really good dating option and someone who knows their worth and someone who's not going to do the same thing that she's willing to do you need to almost set an example of what she needs to do to him okay like i want you to send a message that makes her go damn she probably wishes she had the guts to do something like that to this guy. Yeah. Okay. So that's what I think you should do.

Okay. No, I appreciate it. I do. And while I've got you for a second, I'm 34. As far as just basic dating advice, because I'll be honest, I live here in the Midwest where I'm kind of known in this small town. I'm on the radio, too. And I have women that have reached out to me. So as far as like dating advice in a small town where the pool is very, very small, what kind of advice could you give to me in that regard? Be patient. Sure. You know, it is hard but like if you're saying

hey listen i'm in a small town my options are limited you're you're gonna have to be patient or settle or expand or expand your search area you know you can you can meet people in different cities on dating apps things like that so yeah you're only 34 years old. You're not that old. And thankfully, as men, we don't have a burden of a biological clock. True. That's true. So you have that benefit. So yeah, I think you just got to be a little patient. And in the meantime, just be your best self, being your best physical shape you can be in, be a guy who's in demand, has a lot of hobbies, doesn't chase women who don't give him... Be valuable to yourself. Okay. Yeah, no, I appreciate that.

Investing yourself, just take the free time you have as a single guy and investing yourself. Listen, I like being lazy as much as the next guy, right? I like sitting around watching sports and just fucking around and playing video games with my buddies, but like get into things that you think other women will find attractive, you know, and video games and bros isn't one of them, you know, and as a 30 year old, 34 year old man, investing yourself in ways that you think when you meet someone who's ready to date will be attractive to different interests that you've gotten into and certain things that you've become an expert in or invested in yourself. Or use your free time to be your best self. And on your free time, every once in a while, ask yourself, is this making me a better person?

And again, I'm not saying don't have fun. I'm not saying never be lazy, but just be mindful of how you use your free time. And in your free time, do the things that make you a more attractive option to the ladies. And that will give you more confidence and more security so that when you are dealing with people like this who don't know their own worth and are asking you to waste your time on them because they can't set boundaries for themselves, own worth and are asking you to waste your time on them because they can't set boundaries for themselves, it'll be easier for you to say, you know what? I think you're great, but now's not the time. Do things that make you feel more confident about yourself, things like that. I think too, just things that kind of take up my time too,

and just kind of busy myself with, like you said like things that you know busy exactly a better person be busy yes exactly like that's attractive when people don't have time for other people people want to know why you don't have time for me you know it's like oh you know so yeah stop asking her out stop giving her attention let her reach out ignore and then when she reaches out for a second time you apologize for ignoring her and say hey but like also i was thinking i really you know i've really really enjoyed getting to know you and i loved having coffee with you and i would absolutely be down to do it again but like right now you just don't seem to be in that type of headspace to like invest in another romantic

interest so unless that changes like you know i'm like we probably should just shut this down but like i hope you know if that changes let me know because I think you're really great. Yeah. Well, good. No, thank you. I appreciate you guys having me on. To be honest, I didn't know about this podcast. I had a coworker of mine when I was telling her about it.

She said, oh, you got to ask Nick. I was like, okay, let's do it. All right. Well, listen, we love getting the men on the show. So tell your other guy's do it. All right. Well, listen, we love getting the men on the show. So tell your other guy friends about it. You know, we love hearing from men. Men struggle just as much in relationships as women. It's just women are a lot more willing to be vulnerable and talk about it and ask for

advice and opinions. Men tend to be a little bit more stubborn. So good on you for reaching out and asking and being open to feedback and spread the word. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you very much, guys the word. All right. Well, thank you. Thank you very much, guys. All right, buddy.

Well, keep us posted. We definitely want an update on how this plays out. Okay. And we'll go from there. All right. Thank you very much. My pleasure. Happy New Year.

You too. All right. Take care. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at AskNickAtTheValFiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, mediation. We'll see you back tomorrow for another episode of Reality Recap.

Bye.