The Viall Files - E71 Ask Nick - Sex, Lies and Basketball

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

It’s our holiday episode of Ask Nick! We talk to Olivia Caridi’s friend who has beef with a basketball player, a woman who doesn’t want her MIL at Christmas, someone whose “friend” is in a sexless marriage, and a young woman with daddy issues. We wish you all a family-filled Christmas! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: MTV SIESTA KEY: http://www.mtv.com/shows/siesta-key LUMINESS AIR: http://trysilk.com/viall ZOLA: https://www.zola.com/viall CODE: SAVE50 MODERN FERTILITY: https://modernfertility.com/viall/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is up everybody? Welcome to another episode of Vile Files. Ask Nick Stahl. Happy Monday, by the way. Happy Monday, Rochelle. Thank you. Happy Monday, Nick. It's almost Christmas.

It is almost Christmas. Did you have a good weekend? Yeah, great weekend. I love the holidays. Ooh. Who doesn't? It's different. I know.

I feel like it's different. I do love living in LA, but that's the one part I find to be a little different. I'm from Arizona, so it's not different for me. What a great episode we have today. Yes. I mean, I don't know't what more can we say then you probably should just get ready put your seat belt on get some fun entertainment i gotta say once again people thanks for listening you know to these episodes a lot of people like hearing your advice i you

know i gotta say when we started the ethnic episodes i wasn't really... Are people ready for just a whole episode of this stuff? Great. I feel people are enjoying the Wednesdays guest, but I gotta say, I feel like the Ask Nicks are getting its own little, I don't know. I feel like we have to mail it in a couple Mondays so that our Wednesday episodes can keep up. But I gotta say, I do really appreciate you guys

out there and listening and certainly appreciate the people who shared on their social and it's great to hear people getting their friends to listen

and things like that and quite honestly, we couldn't do it without you and the support that you guys have given us is very appreciated

by us and yeah, it's just very flattering to know that you guys are enjoying it and again, this show only grows with your help's just very flattering to know that you guys are enjoying it. And again, this show only grows with your help. So we just want to say thank you. And I have to say, as a woman,

I feel like your advice is actually doing good in the world, helping us steer clear of those fuckboys. I mean, I'm just trying to have some fun giving my opinion. I don't know if we've talked about this before, but people are like, well, you have a podcast. What is it about? And I'll tell them.

Actually, one of your friends at the Cystic Mimosis Foundation, she goes, well, what qualifies you to do it? One of my friends said that? Yeah. I'm sorry. And I go, oh, a lot of people do. My response was, absolutely nothing. I literally have zero qualifications. I'm just giving my opinion.

People seem to think it's good. Yeah. I don't know. But seriously, though, I do appreciate it, you guys. I do have an update on Gabby. Do you remember my friend Gabby who called in? Yeah, what's going on with her? My gut tells me she wasn't going to take any of my advice.

Okay, what do you think she did? I think she just kept doing what she was doing she got back together with him unblocked him they hung out they had sex oh i don't want to air all her stuff but like she she just ignored your advice and then i expected this and then got with her other ex and that all blew up too wait she got back together with him didn't go well and then yep and then with her other ex which is another iteration of this same one same guy and i'm like i am i'm like we can't ever talk about this again i'm exhausted how old is she again she's in her um mid-20s so that's the thing that's where you're you and your rest of your friends have to come in

is you gotta cut her off cut her off she's got to be okay with being mad at you now yeah i refuse to indulge in your kind of toxic behavior to yourself yeah right i mean you know again we could talk about new guys we i won't and you know what live your life i'm still gonna be your friend yeah hang out yeah i love you yeah but like you don't get to gripe to me about exactly i just had to mute her stories yesterday because i was seeing like pictures then i'm like i just can't oh and she's you know yeah stop sharing your shit on instagram well you know yeah she's not your dating life yeah i mean i guess she's a comedian but like i don't think she's doing it for her bit yeah i don't know yeah anyways i will tell

her i'm sorry okay uh the good news is we expected this yeah it's a process i mean in all fairness to her eventually she will be like what the fuck eventually she'll get tired she'll be very disappointed in herself yeah But if any other listeners who've called in have updates, please email us. We love to hear them. Um, we do think, uh, her for sharing her story.

So I bet she, someone listening learned. Yes. Someone listening was like, that's me. No, people have written in and been like, Oh,

that really resonated with me. so anyways, uh, well, uh, I, another great episode. I hope you guys enjoy it.

And once again, thank you so much. And without further ado, Dating Problems. How's it going? Good. How are you? I'm Patrick. Hi, Patrick. How's it going? Good. How are you? I'm Patrick. Hi, Patrick. How old are you?

I am 25. Patrick, 25. 10 percenter. How are you? Calling from Alabama. We're all tied. Are you a Hannah B fan? I actually live in Nashville.

Oh. He's in Nashville. Just wearing an Alabama sweatshirt. Just sport and race in Alabama just owes the University of Alabama a lot of money still. I'll be saying that for quite a while. How can we help you, buddy? So I just have a couple of questions. I've been dealing with this interesting dynamic between a friend of mine

and then kind of the rest of our friend group. So obviously being an openly gay man in the South is already really difficult. To add dating in the South onto that is like a whole other host of issues. So while Nashville is still kind of like a big city per se, we are still in the South. So like, to be very frank, like my options are limited. Um, it's not New York, it's not LA, not Chicago. Um, there just isn't a huge community like that here. Um, so I'm already kind of limited in my options anyway. Plus,

I can be a little picky as well. So I mean, just to be frank, I like to keep things very candid. So I became friends with this guy that's also openly gay about a year and a half ago, strictly just like friends. I am a blogger here in Nashville. So I was just trying to kind of meet other influencers here and reached out to him. He had kind of skyrocketed because of some articles that got written about him after he came out as an openly gay basketball player. The first openly gay basketball player in the country. Wow. Yeah. So, I mean, of course, he's good looking, too.

So, of course, every gay man would bring himself to Instagram. Like, let's just be real about it. But it's always just been a friendship. I've never really looked at him in any other way than a friendship. The first time we met, I was dating someone. So I literally just went to brunch with him as like you know trying to make another friend here um and we have just become very very very close uh but it's getting to the point now where um he has made some statements when i'm like not around uh to like other groups of people um and then i hear a lot of things from my friends

that are like i don't know why you and nathan don't just date i you know he's obviously in love with you um i think you guys would be perfect together and i'm like where is that coming wait wait who's who's alleging who's in love with who um so my friends are saying that he and I should be together. I get that. But are they suggesting that you're in love with him or vice versa? They're saying that he's in love with me. Okay.

How do you feel about that? It's confusing because I don't see that at all. Okay. But then it's causing me to like... How do you feel about... What, what do you mean by... Forget about confusing. Confusing seems like, to me, when someone says confusing, then how do you feel about it?

You know? Does the initial thought make you smile? Or does it make you like, really? Almost annoyed? I mean, I say that because like if I were like... I don't know know kind of thing. Like, oh, I didn't realize that. It's not per se something that I'm like, oh, that makes me smile.

I feel butterflies and I can see rainbows and unicorns and let's ride off into the sunset. It's almost kind of like a, i don't really think that that's accurate and i really hope that that's not true okay you hope it's not true because like i i the reason i ask if i were uh well i have a lot of platonic women friends right if i were to find out or someone would suggest like oh so and so's might be in love with you they would be kind of an annoyance on my part of like, oh, really? Another one?

I didn't say that, but I would just be like, oh, I got to deal with this because like I would, you know, you value this friendship, right? And then you, it's like, am I going to have to have a talk? And is it going to be weird? And like, then there's a fear of losing the friendship because sometimes there's a thought of like, yeah, like, well well this whole time you know

so that's why i ask how do you feel about it um yeah but also do you think it's true you're describing about having the awkward conversation like i've i've kind of dealt with a situation like this before when i was in school at alabama really close friend of mine opened up to me one night. We were drinking, of course. I was like, you could have told me this while I wasn't wasted, but thank you so much. You know, oh, I'm in love with you. And I was like, oh, I'll give it a shot. Like, we're best friends.

Why not? And it ended up horrible, like really bad. So I'm trying to avoid that situation again. But it's more or less. He tells me like, Oh, I'm going on a date with so and so I went to go get dinner with this guy. Oh, I went home with this guy last night from the bar. But then the plot thickens when he is in Atlanta for a weekend and he is FaceTiming me and he's with a group of guys there. And one of them was like, oh, my God, I follow him on Instagram. He's so hot. And immediately I get cut down. Oh, well, he's a slut and he sluts with House Nashville. And I was like, OK, that's not even remotely true.

But now I'm just annoyed. And I was like, okay, that's not even remotely true. But now I'm just annoyed. And so then I find out, too, that later that night, someone had come up to him, like, making an advance, like, you know, hitting on him. And he shut it down and was like, oh, you know, like, that's really nice of you, but I have a boyfriend.

His name is Patrick. He lives in Nashville. And apparently he decided to start telling everyone around him. Wait, wait basketball basketball players telling people you're dating yes and we're not okay well so like up until this when I'm not around yeah so up into this point it was kind of like my next question before you told me the story was like well how do you know this is true I mean like at this point it was just like a couple people are suggesting it. So I would have said, well,

don't jump to conclusions. But also now that this person is going around saying their boyfriend and girlfriend, it's a whole different conversation. And I think at this point, boyfriend and girlfriend, whatever, sorry,

boyfriend, whatever you're dating. You're our first gay caller, gay male caller. You are our first gay male caller. Um, yeah. Yeah. Uh, I think you need to i mean the only way to you have to confront this head on you know i would be upset if i were in this situation and someone was uh saying we were dating or not um it's weird it's

it's confusing um it's uh you know it's that there's, they're saying something bad about you, but they're kind of your, uh, your dating status is kind of yours to own. Right. And someone's kind of speaking on your behalf. Um, and that's, that's, I don't want to overstate, but it feels like a bit of a violation of like why, and you're telling people, um, I, I think you just need to address it head on. I mean, how close are you? I mean, you said you're good friends with this person. Yeah, we're very good friends, like very,

very close. I think too, like, I'm not afraid of confrontation at all. Like I will address things like I've had to address other things with him. And so it's like getting to the point now where, you know, i don't want to hurt his feelings but i know that i'm eventually going to have to and just be like yo what the fuck are you doing and why are you saying this i'm very confused well don't don't feel like that you know well you know i may put a little sugar on it um but you know it that's kind of like what's going on in my head and then when when I'm, you know, seeing all of this play out with him, I'm hearing all of this from my friends. And I'm like, y'all need to stop saying that.

Like, I don't want to hear that from you. Like, if you feel that way, that's fine. But I'm not seeing the same thing. So I'm going to need all of you over here, you know, to stop backseat driving on my love life. So I'm curious, what's, what's stopped you from, from addressing this? I mean, how long has this been going on? It's not like this happened yesterday. And a half, like a month and a half. That's my question. I feel like that's a long time to have been aware of this thing and not have, why haven't you addressed it?

I think there's the worry about losing a friendship and hurting him um that like i just i don't want to be that person and then i'm also like what do you mean that person i don't i don't understand i mean i get you don't want to hurt your friend i get that but uh i just like i don't want to be the person that's gonna like if he happens to have feelings that I feel like a shit person because I'm going to have to be like, look, it's not mutual. Like, I'm sorry that I'm breaking your heart about this. But like, he'll be fine. It's just not there. I mean, I feel bad.

I get it. But like there's feeling bad and having that dictate your actions of doing the right thing is a slippery slope. Saying I feel bad, so I'm not going to do that. Feeling people saying they feel bad is, quite honestly, I find it to be a frustrating excuse that people often use to kind of justify not doing the right thing. You know, and I get like, you want to be empathetic and sympathetic to your friend's needs, but like, well, I feel bad. I don't want to hurt them. In this case, it's slightly different, but people do it all the time.

Like, well, you know, I'm not saying this happened, but you're in a relationship and you cheat on someone. Well, why don't you just come clean? Well, I felt bad. You know, like people will say even things like that. I mean, listen, you have good intentions. Don't be a dick, right? Don't be mean when you address it, but it's not okay for this person to go around if you don't want this to be the case in telling people that you are dating. If you do really want to salvage this friendship, the only way to do that is have

an adult conversation head on and not let it fester and get even worse because this whole month and a half that you haven't addressed it, I would guess he's seemingly only grown to probably maybe obsess from afar because that's what happens when we do and we have a crush on someone and we don't really address it and we can't communicate with them in person. We start to obsess. We start to kind of manifest relationship in our mind. So my guess is without knowing too much information, he's probably only grown to like you more and kind of created this relationship in his head about you. So feeling bad is not an excuse. I think you can be kind, you can be direct, and you might hurt his feelings in the short term. But it's only going to get messier the

longer you wait, and it will decrease your chances to maintain a friendship would be my guess because it's going to get messier and messier because it's going to be like, well, for four months you told people we were dating. That's kind of weird. Yeah, I just think sometimes you have to have tough conversations with friends, and that's being a friend. Sometimes you have to have tough conversations with friends, and that's being a friend. And you can be kind, but feeling bad is this kind of an excuse to avoid a tough situation. I think you're kind of using an excuse. I'm sure you don't want to hurt their feelings, but you probably don't want to have this confrontation as much as you say you don't mind confrontation. Yeah.

You know? Absolutely. Because it's obvious obvious the solution's out i mean it's obvious that you don't want to be in the situation there's no confusion of what's going on you just need to address it yeah i mean you're completely right so so i i get you feel bad but don't don't use that as an excuse of doing the right thing. Yes, I agree with you. This is way better than my therapist, but I pay a lot of money, too. Well, we just appreciate you listening, and just tell everyone about this. Nick's in this situation a lot.

I feel like you really can relate. He was saying people don't think two gay guys can be friends, and you feel the same way. You have a lot of female friends. I do have a lot of female friends i do have a lot of female friends i don't i'm not i guess i wish brad was here you know in terms of like i i i don't know but it's similar yeah um it can be always messy there's usually you know i there's usually always one you know um and it can sometimes get messy and i will say there's um it's not always the case i have had a lot of female friends um and i feel like i'm definitely friend zoning i don't know how they feel on their side but there have been plenty of times where i really was enjoying their

companionship and there was no awkwardness there was no like breakup but we i started to notice that we slowly started hanging out less yeah and they were harder and harder to get a hold of and i was just like what the fuck you know and and sometimes they just like met someone else i've seen less of sugar recently because a she's filming a movie but she also is like i'm pretty sure in love yeah and like that's normal like because she's just a movie, but she also is like, I'm pretty sure in love. And like, that's normal. Like, because she's just been busy. It had nothing to do with like her and I having like, there weren't feelings there. So that's not always the case. But sometimes it's like, man, why don't we hang out? I mean, you're like, you don't have a boyfriend. Like you're not

preoccupied. You're still like, what? Let's hang out. And I get the sense that they don't want to. And sometimes, but you have to kind of respect that and you know you can't force it uh this is a little different because this is a weird thing i would be mad if someone if if i would feel i would feel violated if a friend of mine was going around telling people we were dating yeah i would i would i would be upset yeah um so i think you need to address that um and and it okay to feel bad, but it's not okay to stop you doing the right thing. As long as you're kind. I agree. As long as you're kind.

Yeah. All right. Well, roll tide, buddy. Sorry for your loss. Would they lose two recently? This will be outdated by then. You're not asking me, are you? At this point,

they might have won the national championship. All right, take care. Well, thank you. Say hi to all the bachelor people in Nashville. Oh, I definitely will. I definitely will. Have a good one. Are you friends with them?

I am best friends with Olivia Caridi. Oh! Say hi. Yeah. And then I hang out with Kristen Whitney a lot I am best friends with Olivia Caridi. Oh. Say hi. Yeah. So, and then I hang out with Kristen Whitney a lot and Jen. Wow. So, and then, funny enough, a friend of mine that I've known for, like, the last four years is Jess Clark, who's now dating Ben.

Oh. So, I knew her in college. What a small world. So, I dabble in the bachelor pool, but I'm not quite a pool at all. I feel like you're part of the stew. All right, thanks, Patrick. All right, buddy. Well, have a good day.

Hopefully this is helpful. Have a good one, y'all. All right, bye-bye. Bye. Bye. My biggest takeaway here is I really don't – I feel very strongly on the I feel bad excuse. You hear that a lot.

I've heard it my whole life about people saying that. And my first girlfriend, I remember, you know, like little white lies in the relationship where like, I mean, I won't get into certain things about the relationship, but every time it was like, you lied about this. And it was like a little lie. It wasn't like a big deal. Well, I just knew you'd be mad. And when people in relationships where they don't, they're not honest and they kind of tell little white lies because it's like, well,

you're just going to be mad. Now, granted, you might be with someone who gets mad over everything. And that's frustrating too. I've been in in that relationship before but it's still not an excuse not to like if you can't be honest with the person and they always get mad then you need to break up yeah like when you get to the point where you're like well i don't want you to feel bad and most of the time when people don't think i mean i don't think it's the same with patrick's situation but people use the excuse of feeling bad because they're just kind of chicken shit right you know and they they use an excuse to not do the right thing and usually it's more about not hurting that person's feelings and not putting themselves in an uncomfortable situation yeah and i think people use that as an excuse of not not wanting to make someone feel bad because it

makes them feel better about the fact that they just don't want to deal with it. Yeah. I feel strongly about that. Yeah. I mean, I know this is a unique situation, but just that feeling bad, I think he's totally right to be mad about the situation. I think it's weird that Patrick has waited so long to address something that's so clearly not okay. Right. 50. How's it going?

I'm good. I'm Kayla, and I'm 25. Hi, Kayla, 25. How can it going? I'm good. I'm Kayla and I'm 25. Hi, Kayla, 25. How can we help? So I'm calling for some advice about my boyfriend's mom. My boyfriend and I have been together for a while. We have a son and he goes to preschool now and stuff. But I usually get along with her pretty well.

But lately, I just feel like she's being kind of inconsiderate of our schedule and like our family time. And it's making me just not really enjoy being around her. The main thing that is a problem is like we see her maybe a couple times a month and as part of part of it is her schedule but she comes to visit us on Sundays which I don't mind but she stays the night and we are up Monday morning super early because the bus comes to get our son for school and she when she stays it kind of throws off our schedule both the night before school and then starting on Monday mornings which I just feel like I'm a real schedule person it really does good for our family when we stick to a schedule um so that's irritating me and I'm not sure how to like talk to her about it she also

invited herself to christmas um to watch him open his gifts from santa which maybe i'm just being kind of selfish but i feel like it should be some time for us to make our own family traditions i'm worried she's gonna stay the stay the night we do that because she's going to come Christmas Eve, which I'm not psyched about. And then she likes to try and just kind of tell me how I need to be parenting. I mean, she'll say things like,

oh, he said he was playing pretend and he said he was gonna like punch somebody you need to make sure he doesn't say stuff like that or you need to make sure he has shoes on talking about some stuff like that and I mean I feel like I asked her for her input on a pretty regular basis. I don't think that she has no say or anything like that usually. But my question is, I guess, how do I set some boundaries with her and my boyfriend? Because he doesn't really seem to be bothered by it without starting a bunch of drama. Because I don't want to fight with them.

I don't want to fight with her. I just need her to not. Why is she sleeping? Like, why is she there so much? Is she kind of alone? Is she married? Is she single? What's her life look like?

So, my boyfriend's parents separated quite a while ago and she's recently single again she's never been married again though okay yeah so she's a little lonely right now probably and i try to be mindful of that i know she doesn't have anything else to do. And if she wants to come on Christmas, I just want to save some of our gifts for us to give alone. How long has this feeling, this situation been going on for? Really, it's just been the last month or two where it's really become sort of an issue. I think once my son started preschool this year and we had a lot stricter schedule, I stay home.

So usually before we had school and everything, we kind of did whatever we needed to do, wanted to do whenever. We kind of did whatever we needed to do, wanted to do, whatever. So since then, it's been getting worse. How are things going on? How's your relationship with your boyfriend? How's everything going on there? How's your communication? How do you feel about that?

I feel like usually we talk pretty well. We don't really fight often. I think, I mean, we kind of got together under some different circumstances. So we've had to really make sure we were good at talking so we could parent together the whole time. What were the circumstances? What? Sorry. What were the circumstances that you got together um I mean we weren't together when I found out that we were gonna have a baby and then we got together after our son was born did his parents kind of help you guys through that like were they

um really supportive during that time oh yeah i mean i met his family and everything before our son was born and he met my family too and since then i mean we've lived together since our son was born and i think we're generally pretty involved with all of that but you never lived did you ever live with her like did his parents like let you guys live with them in the beginning or anything like that oh no we've always been on our own okay yeah i mean listen i i think uh totally makes sense why uh you feel a little annoyed uh by her sometimes being there a little too much um totally makes sense why you feel a little annoyed by her sometimes being there a little too much totally makes sense why you maybe want to develop some traditions with your family I get all that but at the same time

I don't think this is like sometimes I feel like we can we get annoyed about something and we let it fester we build it up in our, in our own minds and then just become something we're super annoyed by. And to me, this kind of sounds like what it is a little bit more than like an actual crisis or real big deal. Like, I'm not trying to say you don't have the right to feel the way you do. It's just, it might be one of those situations where you have to decide you know is it really worth it at this point i mean there's always next christmas and at the same time is is your you know let's just call your mother-in-law for the sake of argument like is she really stopping you from her being there

is really stopping you from you guys having a family tradition i mean quite honestly i don't know how old your your mother-in-law is, but like, I have some really fond memories of my grandparents when I was a young kid. And that's, you know, you know, that's not always going to be the case sometimes with time. So like, look on the bright side there, totally annoying that she might insert herself with some feedback about her parenting styles, but like, my guess is not having a kid you're not alone you know in the sense that like every times have changed and and um there's probably a lot of things that she will offer you that's probably very helpful and there's a lot of things that she will say that you're just

like listen you don't know you're talking about anymore you're it's 2019 or something you know like yeah it's just gonna get annoying a little bit. But family, you know, is important. And obviously, your boyfriend probably, you know, he might get annoyed, too, but he just doesn't care as much. I get why you care more than your boyfriend, because like, it kind of feels like she's sipping in your toes as a mother, right? And he's just kind of like, I don't know, it's my mom, like, whatever. toes as a mother right and he's just kind of like i don't know it's my mom like whatever and like you know every son kind of uh thinks like any input from her mom about parenting is

probably a good thing where you're like well wait i'm the mom you know so i totally get where you're coming from but i think unless it's it's only been going on for a month and a half this is not like you know crisis mode my whole time i've had this, you know, our kid that he's, she's been like this. She's probably a little lonely too. You said she's recently single. She might just be a little bored and just enjoys the company and she, she wants to be there. So unless it's like really affecting things, unless she's just totally unbearable and really condescending, maybe just suck it up these holidays and see if it's really last. Maybe she'll get a boyfriend and be less. If you really feel like she's stepping

on your toes and you really feel like you need to say something, the way to maybe address it is just say, hey, listen, sometimes you make me feel like I'm not a, like, I'm like, you know, play it that card where she's maybe making you feel a certain way. Like, I don't, it's, it's gonna, it's gonna be a tough argument to tell her that she's there too much, you know, keep in mind, she's probably very lonely and that's gonna hurt her feelings if you're suggesting that she's just kind of annoyingly there all the time and she very much might be, but sometimes we kind of have to suck it up for family and um yeah i mean i guess she's i bet she's a super fucking lonely man you know like um and i will say like my mom like really didn't want my grandparents around like similar to you where she just wanted like her family and her mom like

really annoyed her and i almost like kind of resent her for that because i wish my grandma would have been around more and i wish i could have spent more time yeah and again i you know i kind of remember like every family deals with this i think every it's a kind of territory thing and like your in-laws you're like i'm supposed to like you and love you but like i'll be honest i didn't pick you um and so i think try if you can to not feel threatened uh by your mother-in-law um i don't think her intentions are to probably make you feel threatened i think she probably is stepping on your toes but not necessarily meaning to be you know she's just trying to be a grandma and maybe trying to help you out. And sometimes it feels like a little too much unless it's totally unbearable.

You know, I, I try because I think you're, I think your child will enjoy those moments with his grandma and will appreciate it. And he might not, I'm sorry. Do you have a daughter or son? Maybe your son will, you know, he might not always have these memories, right? I'm sorry do you have a daughter or son maybe a son your son will you know he might not always have these memories right yeah and if it like is a one it's not

going to stop you from guys having tradition like her presence is not hurting tradition you know like your son will still remember the Christmas morning just as excitingly whether grandma was there or not. Yeah. I don't know if this is the answer you wanted.

I feel like you wanted a solution how to kick the old bag out. You can still create boundaries. No. You can still create boundaries. I mean, I definitely, yeah. And I mean, we spend a lot of time with our family and with my parents and stuff. My main thing is just spending the night. I don't mind when she comes.

I just want her to go home. I get it. Like, I get it. I mean, listen, I'm saying if this goes on for months, six months, and she's always there, I think maybe at that point, you're just like, hey, you know, and I'll say this before, the best way to address this is through your boyfriend because you need an ally, right? Yeah, he should support you. He needs to support you there. But right now it's only been a month, you know, and she's, again, recently single and she's older and it's harder to be single when you're older, when you're younger.

And she has her grandson and she's kind of attaching herself to that because she probably feels a lot of pride and excitement. Just let her have it. I mean, is it really killing you? Have that be your Christmas gift to her. Seriously, I think you'd be surprised how much that might mean to her. She probably really is enjoying the time with you and your son. And I totally get why it's annoying.

Trust me. I like my space too. I empathize with you. But try to do that for her. I sure will. I am glad that you guys wanted to talk with me today I feel like you always give really solid advice and I thought maybe I was just being kind of crazy about it you're not being crazy you're not being crazy but unless it doesn't sound toxic it just sounds like

a kind of a lonelier person who has less going on in her life and is really excited about her grandson and she's definitely overstaying her welcome a little bit too much, but you can decide whether you let that annoy you or you can just say, you know what? I'm, she appreciates this and I can, I can deal with this because I know this makes her happy, you know?

And, and you're, I think you will feel good about that in the long run. And I, I bet your son will years to come. All right. Cool. Thank you. you know and and you're i think you will feel good about that in the long run and i i i bet your son will years to come all right cool thank you guys happy holidays happy holidays hope you have a great christmas yeah you guys have a good day thank you thank you all right take care bye bye yeah i mean and any relationship interaction we it here's like a little, it's that seed plants and it snowballs.

The drip of water. Yeah, and before you know it, you could tell a story of like, this is absurd. This is absolutely absurd. I can't believe I am dealing, and it's just like, I think you're just a little annoyed.

Yeah. Probably because like she, again, it's justified. There's nothing wrong with her feeling the way she feels. Right, right. But, you know, it's justified there's nothing wrong with her her feeling the way she feels right right but you know it's it's always always try to put yourself in the other shoes if you can and it's a lot of times with these mother-in-law calls there's like a lack of control like i used to be able to control everything in my life and do exactly what i wanted i was gonna say that that's like this is a control thing yeah um she wants to feel like it's her household yeah my schedule

my my household she's very schedule oriented yeah um grandma's fucking it up yeah and and probably super annoying yeah and probably overstepping her boundaries and probably making her feel like and probably being a little condescending and yeah but yeah um you know give that up sometimes right and i unless it's a toxic situation you know i uh i see as my parents get older and i see my grandmothers like i think it's getting you know you get lonely you just you just want to have you hear that from people get older like you the biggest you know when what's the biggest killer retirement you know and things like that people sometimes lose a sense of purpose yeah and i think being a grandmother certainly is a great sense of pride and purpose yeah yeah like my grandparents used to stop by my house unannounced and my mom got so mad and she's like you can't do that and

now looking back i'm like how great would it have been for them to just pop in and again not to shit on your mom but but like, why not? Yeah. You know? It's a control thing. Yeah. And I get it. Like, again, your mom's not the, like, every, I think this happens all the time.

How's it going? Great. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Sarah and I am 41. 41. All right.

How's it going, Sarah? Pretty good. Going. How can we help? Okay. So I am actually here for a friend. True story. It's not like a made up story.

Who is a male. He's 43. Married. Married a very long time like um 23 years um he's looking for advice from another male um and i think he's just too shy to go out there and and get it anywhere um so that's why i'm here, I don't know where you really want me to start. He's, um, he's basically in a sexless marriage. Okay. Um, and his wife has come out and admitted that she is not interested in sex and she,

I guess, is claiming to be like asexual. You don't believe her? I'm just not interested. When you say claiming, there's an implication that you don't believe her. Well, I mean, I think that's kind of a crazy thing to say, 23 years into a relationship, but... So they used to have a sex life. Yeah, but it was really minimal.

It was never great. It was never consistent, and it was always like a bargaining thing or like a betting situation. It wasn't like anything spontaneous or fun. How do you know this friend? I have known him pretty much all of my life. Okay. Does he come to you with obviously this frustrating situation and ask you for advice?

Yeah. You know, he has. Yeah. What have you said? I know pretty much everything that's going on. What are your thoughts? What do you think is going on? Honestly, I really don't know i and i don't i think his whole thing is he's really confused like does he stay in the marriage they do have kids

so he's i think sticking to you know trying to just hang around and make things work um it's for the kids sake but he but he's super, super miserable. He's been to actually a therapist for this, which has gotten him nowhere. Has he remained faithful? He's on medication now for depression. Why is he on medication? For depression and anxiety, which pretty much stems from this whole situation. I mean, I'm a therapist, and i get that it's an unfortunate situation but would you have to be medicated because you're depressed for that i don't i don't know well i don't know

but sarah you left out something about your relationship with him yeah sarah what the fuck okay correct okay how we do this um so right so we do know each So we do know each other. We do know each other for a very long time. I actually lost my virginity to him. Okay. Biblically. But I mean, like, how long ago was that, though? What was that? How long ago was that? Okay, so that was,

oh my gosh, probably 20 years. 20 plus years. 25 years ago, I would say. But do you have like romantic feelings for him? Why do you care so much, Sarah?

I think we sort of do. I think we sort of do, but we're not, we're not going there because he's married. He has a big situation, you know. Uh-huh.

It sounds like you're just, yeah, you're just saying that but you don't believe it um listen i mean what's what's uh i again i i can't speak to this whole like i mean i get why he would have anxiety and certainly i get why it's a depressing situation i mean and again maybe maybe he's clinically depressed and therefore needs medication. I get that. But if that's not the case, if he's at a point where it's just like, I mean, listen, there's a breaking point in everything. I get to tell death to your part. If he has been in a marriage where every sense he can remember that sex has been used as a bargaining chip and she never really seemed excited about it, she could be, in fact, a fairly asexual person.

And now she's at the point in her life, she's like, you know what? Fuck it. I don't even care. I'm not even going to pretend to even want to negotiate for it. I've been married to you for 20 years. And it's just like,

she doesn't feel the need to do that. I mean, it's entirely possible. I can't relate to that. Maybe you can't either. But people can be asexual. And I mean, I would be more suspicious about other things going on if they used to have a great sex life and things drastically change. But if that was never the case, she's just like, what's the point in keeping up appearances? And I just, I never really wanted to have sex.

And now I definitely don't. And fuck it. He has to decide at this point whether, you know, he's going to, you know, people get divorced. It's unfortunate. It sucks. But he needs to, I mean, my advice to him is, I mean, he's still young. He still has his whole life in front of him.

He can still, he's young enough to restart his love life and find someone new. And whether that's with you or someone else, he can still have a happy life. If he's so miserable that he's riddled with anxiety and seeing a therapist and taking medication for it, well, then that's not healthy for him, his wife, his kids. He needs to do something about it. You know, you can't wallow in it. And if he can only control so much, he can't make her want to have sex certainly that would also be illegal um and if she's been clear that she doesn't want

to have sex and she's not interested in having sex is are they seeing a therapist together are they seeing a sex therapist they did try they did try to go together um and it was basically just like i said i mean she's basically just like you know i'm not into it and i don't want to get divorced i think we should she thinks they should just oh she wants to continue on their marriage the way that it is and just not have sex because everything else is perfect they just don't have sex is she open to i'd be curious if that seems like a bizarre request but hey people have bizarre requests but another at least to some people a bizarre request, but hey, people have bizarre requests. But another, at least to some people, a bizarre request would be like, fine, if you want to stay married, I'm into it, but I need to have sex. So are you okay with me having an open relationship and feeling this need elsewhere?

She's not. She's not. Well, seems that's not a marriage. Part of a marriage is a physical relationship. That's part of it, certainly. And if they got married with the expectations that would be part of their marriage and she's changing that then she's changing the variable variables i mean he just has to decide what he what he wants and um he has to do i think it's what i think it's more of like a guilt thing and i think he's

feeling really guilty about it like is sex so important to me that I would actually break up my family just to find a sexual relationship somewhere else I mean yeah I think it's okay to say it is I mean okay he's 43 years old it's not that old old. Like, to what? I'm never going to have sex for the rest of my life? I mean, there are people in their 70s and 80s still hooking up. Right. I just, that's a lot to ask. It's a very tough. Yeah, syphilis is rampant in the old folks' homes.

Rampant in the old, yeah. They're like, old folks' homes. It's just like fucking syphilis all over the place. Listen, I just think that's kind of an insane ask to... I agree with you, but I think the therapist that they're seeing seems to think that something's wrong with him, like that he's maybe a sex addict or that he's asking too much of her and he's pressuring her. Maybe we're not getting all of the story, but I'm just going by what you're telling me. And all you're saying is seems like his normal guy who wants a reasonable, he wants a physical relationship with his wife and his wife is refusing to have any.

And if that is the case, then that is not reasonable or normal. And if his current wife is literally asking him to be okay with pretty much never having sex for the rest of his life while there is in a marriage that is in no way reasonable and okay and i have a hard time believing he's seeing a therapist that's based off these this information is accusing of being a sex addict there's there's a miss there's a there's some missing information there it did come up um he's a very sexual person i mean if he had it he told you this i mean i just feel like i mean keep in mind you are a third party here and you're getting information from him i don't know um there's there where i would like to talk to him i mean in the sense of like there's only so much i can say based off this little information but my guess is we're not getting all of it

um because like but in your opinion there's a fine line between like a guy who just wants to have sex and a guy who's like a sexual person you know i'm not a fine line but like yeah there's nothing wrong with being a sexual guy but then see i think the kiss of death is that he's telling all this to a female friend like i think once you start being that open about your sex life with your wife with another female that's every the ship's going down yeah i mean listen i think the ship is it's done i mean it's like but he's like and that's why he probably feels the way he does because deep down you're like you know it's over but again like i again i can't relate but i can only imagine if he has kids who has a wife his wife wants to be with him the family dynamic he values right like he but not values enough to not be talking about a sex life with someone who

he still has feelings for well we don't know if he has feelings for her i don't like on the outside they have literally the perfect relationship everyone thinks they're like the perfect couple you would never guess in a million years that they're having this issue ever are you hoping that literally the only issue that they have i mean i don't know that it's fun but like to like this whole dynamic but we don't like it has we don't know he has feelings i i can like listen he's just he probably just wants to talk about he doesn't get it out you should talk about that with another female i who you've had sex with ideally you're right but i'm just saying it's kind of an insane thing to be in a marriage where your wife won't have or your partner won't have sex with you and and it seems to be unwilling

to figure that out i'm not saying it's okay yeah and that's why it's kind of like when we get into like when people cheat for example uh like you know people have done it it's not okay we're not condoning it but people will say when people cheat there is a reason now he needs to that's he's kind of at that point where he's now doing things outside of his marriage whether it's like having a car so it's like and i appreciate why he is i appreciate he just needs he just needs to he feels trapped or lost and confused but he needs to bite the bullet and make a decision and accept that decision one way or the other and that's the advice like he he can't keep doing what he's doing and that is

being miserable in his current situation trying to keep up appearances and then finding ways to fill these needs if he wants to if his wife wants to accept that he needs to fill these needs then she just she needs to accept him too these are two people married who are not okay with they're not accepting each other and sometimes you might need to end the relationship based off that i mean that's not a marriage by keeping up appearances. But again, he's not here. He needs to make a decision. And I mean, this is just my opinion, but I think you, Sarah, need to back out of this situation completely

because I think things are getting murky, and I don't know if you want to do that you're biased yeah yeah yeah you're right i mean if you want to be a friend i try not to be i try not to be biased at all i really really do and i try to stay out of and i don't give him like advice as far as like oh you should do this or you i think you should do this you know i really stay neutral but i know and you know to sit here and talk to you guys, I don't think it's right. I don't think, to Rochelle's point, I don't think it's really your business to decide what is right or wrong. I think as a friend, you can be there for him and say, listen, I think you can say to him, you have the right to be happy.

And sometimes you have to make tough decisions to do that. And you can still have your family just, you know, like he gets to love his kids. But like this, a 43-year-old guy who at this point is supposed to like, what, be in a marriage and keep up appearances? For the sake of what? You know, like kids are smart. They get it. They figure it out. So what is the upside if that's the situation of just staying in this marriage? And why does she want to be married with someone who's right that like, you need to kind of remove yourself and just say,

hey friend, you deserve to be happy. I want you to know that. But other than that, like, because my guess is you have inserted yourself. You ask a lot of questions. You check in. You know way too much. What the fuck do you,

you shouldn't know anything about this therapist. And don't say, like, he's telling me you're asking. Like you, you want to know. And I get it And don't say, mm-hmm, like he's telling me you're asking. Like you want to know. And I get it. And she gave even more details in the email of like what kind of sex they're having and all of that. Yeah. Which I understand.

Like I've been in your same position, Sarah, where, you know, yeah, you get too involved. Like I've totally been there, but I don't think it's good. Yeah, yeah. I would be involved. It's easy to get involved. Yeah, it's easy. Especially if you have feelings.

But now it's like, it's only going to get messy and potentially toxic. It makes it weird because we do have a past. But I really am neutral. I get that. No, she emailed me that she has feelings for him. You're not neutral. I have it in writing. You're not neutral, and that's okay.

But all the more reason to step away. What you don't want to be and you can't be is the person to convince him to leave his wife. No, no, no. And you're trying. I don't think he should. You are trying to convince him to leave his wife without seeming like you're trying to convince him to leave his wife like you want to leave his wife yeah it's okay it's okay i get it he might he maybe he should but yeah maybe he should you you on the other hand like it's

that is he needs to find this on his own he needs to come to this uh realization on his own. And again, simply reminding him, you deserve to be happy. And it's not selfish to be happy. You can't make anyone else happy if you can't make yourself happy. And it's not an unreasonable thing to want a physical relationship with your partner. And I think you just keep it real simple and any other information, say, I don't think it's really appropriate for me to know all this. And stop trying to convince him to leave his wife because you are. No, I really haven't.

I swear. But this is so great because this is exactly what I wanted was for a different, you know, an outside opinion so that he can now go and listen for himself. So I think this is great.

Yeah. Tell him to tune in. Well, best of luck. Thank you so much for calling in. It's a little messy, totally empathetic situation, but you're a little too involved than you want to admit. Okay. I will try to be less involved.

Don't try. You need to be. I will. Oh, no. I will be less involved. Don't try. You need to be. I will. Oh, no. I will be less involved. Oh, no. I believe you. But best of luck.

Thanks for calling. I really appreciate it. Yeah, thanks. Have a great day. All right. Take care. All right. Thanks, guys.

All right. Bye-bye. It's tough, but how many women call in and say, I don't care. I don't really have feelings. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. She literally wrote it to me. Like, that's so funny to me.

That's such a pattern. It's hard to admit, you know? And it's easier in writing. And then when you are talking to someone, I think it's hard to, you know, because I think you say it out loud. You kind of, you have to admit it to yourself. So many of our callers are just having a hard time admitting to themselves the reality. I think that's kind of what I've been good at

or what this show is about is just helping people really see what they kind of already know. It's just, we have a way of lying to ourselves in order to justify our actions and our feelings. And we sometimes will feel shame for feeling the way we do. And yeah. So I think she wanted us to say,

yeah, you're right. He shouldn't be with her. That like makes her feel better about what she's doing. Correct. Yes. And she might be right. We don't really know because it's hard to give opinion about.

I'm certain we, there's so much that we don't know about that situation. I know, but I don't think she should know the details of what she's saying to him in the bedroom. She calls and I want advice about this guy. It's like, eh, I don't know. But we do know that you hope he leaves his wife and maybe you want to bang again.

And that's fine. It's fine. But being the one to convince him is not messy. Because what would happen is he leaves his wife, it's messy. You might bang once and then it's all going to go, yeah. So I'm Anna, I'm 26. Great, Anna, 26, right off the bat. Seasoned caller.

Well, not seasoned, first time, but seasoned listener. Seasoned listener. How can we help you, Anna? Yeah, well, thanks for taking the time to chat. To give you some context, I struggle with daddy issues in a pretty stereotypical sense. I enjoy attention and validation from older men, and I'm fairly certain that stems from my lack of a relationship with my own father.

And it's to the point where I have had sexual issues about older men in their late 30s and 40s, but I've never acted on those people. You make it sound so old. How old are you again? 26. Okay, you're not that young. It's older, Nick.

It's older. Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry. Yeah, and because I guess, I mean, that has been a thing since my early 20s, but rationally in my early 20s, that seems like a really bad thing to do. Like, not bad, but just poor decision making. But now? So now I've been dating my boyfriend for about three years. Okay.

He's 28. Okay. He's really incredible, and I feel lucky to have him. It's not enough gray hair. We've been long distance. Did you hear me? I'm sorry. I don't think she heard enough gray hair. We've been long distance. Did you hear me? I'm sorry. I don't think she heard me.

Okay. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. So we've been long distance for the past year and a half since he's in grad school, but now that he's six months away from graduating, we're talking about him coming back to me and us moving in together. And I feel really good about it,

but I feel like my excitement is being compromised by this recurring thought that I'm approaching a period in my life where like making responsible life choices is really going to start mattering and wishing that I was less responsible in my past. So in my ideal world, we'd spend the next six months in an open relationship where I could just like walk around and pursue that very specific fantasy,

which probably isn't healthy. It's just something I all of a sudden want to have as a life experience. It's not going to fly with my boyfriend. So I guess my question is like, what is the best way forward to just continue ignoring those impulses um great question uh well how how strong are these impulses i guess in the sense of like listen being in a monogamous relationship is a sacrifice and um while i think everyone loves a storybook uh love affair of i saw him and i never

wanted to look at another person for the rest of my life in reality i don't think that's really the case for anyone um it might be the case for the first two weeks you meet someone and then you know life goes on and you realize yeah wow that person's hot and that person's hot. I kind of wonder what they are, look like naked. But when you love someone, you kind of give that all up, right? And hopefully love someone enough. So that's what I mean. I know it sounds kind of like fantastical about like these desires you have as if some sort of if this if you're like

some sort of sexual freak and i know you say you have daddy issues but like yeah there's other guys you would be totally interested in having sex with if you were single and i guess the question to yourself is um you know how much do you love this guy in this relationship you're in and are you willing to not have those needs met and it's a kind of a question at that i mean you know i mean this older guy thing yeah i mean you have a fantasy everyone has fantasies right guys have guys have plenty of fantasies weird ones you know uh what nothing nothing you haven't seen on porn um but yeah you know um unless there's something you know that you're not telling us in terms of some really freaky shit but would you be okay with him sleeping with uh other people great question i i i would be um I don't like, and I think part of the reason for that is because I feel like very secure in my own relationship that if we were to sort of do an open relationship for less than a year, I feel that, like, I feel that eventually we would come back and find each other. And I guess for me personally, I feel like if I were 30 right now,

I would want to marry him. But I feel like I want to, like I am not at the point right now where I'm ready to be someone's wife. Yeah. Have you broke the subject at all with him? Are you assuming he wouldn't be okay with an open relationship, or you've kind of broached it? Yeah, I have.

Only in the sense, like, actually very recently, I effectively got a job offer in seattle um and then he was we worked he asked me like what i thought about sort of potentially him taking that offer with the expectation that i can say absolutely right like kind of very guiltily uh like told him that i would be okay with it if it were for less than a year and we didn't have a relationship and then he's like okay i'm gonna decline that job offer so he declined a job offer for you yeah um i love an analytical horned up caller i i have to say just like these are my issues this is what i I want. This is my timeline.

Very matter of fact. Very horny. I love it. Yeah, I think there's no right answer here. I think this is about choices. This is about communication and choices. And you just have to decide. Life is about timing.

You've found a guy that you seem like you love right and and you've been logically like i'm just i love you but i'm not necessarily ready to give up all my freedom for you and i do think in i do think that doesn't mean i do think that's you can still love him very much i think it's it's very pragmatic of you and it's very kind of to to say like yeah it's not storybook is certainly it's it's not kind of what you know young people imagine and what we read in the stories of how love is supposed to be but yeah i mean life can be about timing so you just have to decide, you know, how can you, can you ultimately only be with him for the rest of your life? Or are you willing to risk losing him to fill these needs, right? Because you might not be able to get an open relationship. Because like, an open relationship

might be just too much for anyone who's just never considered doing that. But the reality is, is couples break up. And when they break up, they hook up with other people. And sometimes they get together and they both know that they hooked up with other people, but they didn't feel betrayed because you were single, you know, like, and sometimes they don't always get over it, but it's a lot more people get over that than, this is my girlfriend, by the way, i think she's fucking another dude right now but it's fine we love each other he just might not be able to get there he might be able to get there knowing that you guys took a break and you didn't talk and you weren't in each other's lives on a regular basis and he didn't

have to think about it and that just might be a lot easier for him to accept but you are going to have to risk him moving on, meeting someone else, not getting over it, et cetera, et cetera. And I think you just have to decide which one is, uh, uh, what you, which, which one you think you can live without, you know, which one will be the harder one to live without the, the fact that you, there's this, this need you want to fill or this guy that

you think could be the one you know right i mean do you think they're like i guess right now i can't think of a delicate way to broach that topic don't tell them you're doing it to fuck older men yeah if you're gonna it sounds like you're pretty confident that he's not going to dabble in an open relationship, right? So kind of to Rochelle's point, if you could say, listen, I'm at the point in my life, I really love you, and maybe you won't be able to understand this, but I love you. And it's totally reasonable to say, like, you don't have to say I want to fuck all their mad, but you can say, I'm not ready to only be with you for the rest of my life. As much as I love you, I feel like I, I'm not ready to only have to not be with anyone else for the rest of my life. That might be hard for him to swallow, but it's, it's reasonable and there's definitely a part of him

that wouldn't mind having sex with someone else he's human you know um i wouldn't go more far i wouldn't go further than that in the detail of what you want to do right because and maybe from there you stay in each other's lives i mean it's kind of about taking a break and having that freedom. Is it ever as good as you think it's going to be, though? Like sex with other people? I don't think it's about that, though. It's not? No, I think it's just about doing it.

Oh. Do you feel like you're going to have this amazing sex? Or I think you just want to have sex with someone else. Right? What do you think? Sorry, could you repeat that do you feel like you're missing out on this incredible sex or you just want to do it um that's a good question i guess i well what i what I miss is, like, sort of the anticipation of, like, when you don't know, like, the first time you have sex with anyone is, in my experience, on average, is not, like, the best.

I really miss, like, the anticipation of the, like, we won't leave. Listen, you're not, that's never going to go away. You know, like you have this number in your head, 30.

Well, when you're 30, you're, you're, you're not going to be like, ah, I don't need that anymore. You know, it's like,

it's, it's like what if you have a sweet tooth, you know, it's like, I'm going to, I'm just going to have this chocolate cake this one last time. And then you do. And then it's like kind of Rochelle you know, it's like, I'm just going to have this chocolate cake this one last time. And then you do.

And then it's like kind of Rochelle's point. It's like, eh. It's fine. It was fine. I feel a little sick. But a week later, it's right there again. I really want that again. I want it again.

You never stop wanting to like, your sweet tooth never goes away. You just, you know, you get older, you realize like, I'm gonna really feel shitty, you know? Like I've- I keep eating this cake. I'm just gonna not, you know? I'm gonna avoid that whole experience. So yes, that is not gonna go away. 30 is not gonna be some magic number

where you're gonna be over being young and fun. I don't wanna like, again, you might want to do this. And I'm not telling you what you should do. I'm just trying to like again you just might you might want to do this and I'm not telling you what you should do I'm just trying to offer some perspective I mean grass is always greener but I'm like you got a guy who's willing to give up a job and loves you and you love him I'm like don't I will say it my life right now and you are still young so you have the right to explore but I have thought about that there are probably maybe three or four women from my past where I think to myself, why don't I just marry them? You know, why don't I just like,

why was I holding out for something more, for better, more exciting? I'm not saying I would have ended up with them and it would have been great, but they're quite nice people. And I don't... It's like, fuck you, Nick, you know? So be careful.

And to Rochelle's point, the anticipation, that is fun. I agree. It's fun. But the sex with these, whoever it is, older guys or not, it'll just be another dick. It's over soon.

Yeah. It'll be fine. And then one guy might blow your mind, but it's still just be another dick it's over soon yeah let me fine and some of it and then one guy might blow your mind but it's still just gonna be like oh that's really great sex cool um also try role playing role playing might be fun yes but i will say one final thought before we let you go um you seem like a very communicative person, an open-minded person. I think it's important that you are with someone that you can be like that around, as much as this guy seems like a really nice guy. He needs to accept you for who you are. That should be something you value in a partner because I'm getting from you that you are...

You want to feel free and expressive and so in any relationship whether you're single or in a relationship you need to feel like you have a some sort of sense of freedom and you need to be with someone who's not necessarily going to quit a job because he's afraid of something because he's going to suffocate you and you can't be in a relationship where you feel suffocated so i would i'd be i'd be mindful of that So I would be mindful of that. Sorry, do you mean of whether or not he, whether or not I can sort of communicate freely with my friends?

Yes, whoever your partner is, I think you seem like the type of person who needs to be able to speak your truth or be progressive and not feeling like your person's going to judge you or or be afraid for you to be yourself there are limits to that like maybe fucking other men but you know like i feel like he is might be a little straight laced and just does just wants kind of uh more of a traditional relationship and you want more progressive one and again there's a again, there's a lot of, there's a lot of very, there's a spectrum there.

It doesn't have to be as open as you might want, but I feel like you'd need to be with someone who you can, they can know who you are, right? That's important. And if you feel like this person doesn't really know your desires, that's a red flag. Yeah. So. Yeah. I mean, that's important and if you feel like this person doesn't really know your desires that's a red flag yeah so yeah i mean that's a good point i i do feel like it's interesting to

say that because i feel like in my and i never really thought about that in my head i didn't think that what i want in a relationship is particularly non-traditional i guess like it was something i thought of as a temporary thing, but obviously I haven't had the life experience to, to know that for sure. Have you seen a professional about your self-diagnosed daddy issues? I have a few years ago for like a very specific, but not about,

but it was not, it didn't have anything to do with. Maybe just do that in general in a nonspecific thing and feel that out and explore that a little bit before you make any rash decisions because my guess is,

is you have a lot more to figure out about yourself in this relationship and may, he might seem like the guy and I'm sure he's a great guy and everything, but I think the jury's still out whether he's your person. Um, and that's okay. You're, there's a reason why you're not engaged or married. That's part of dating is really

figuring it out. Um, you're with him because you see it and that's, you know, at 26 years old, you're not going to date someone and waste your time and this energy that takes to be in a relationship without at least seeing it, but seeing it is different than it being the case. So explore that. Deal with your issues. Talk to a therapist or professional if you really think you have daddy issues. There's nothing wrong with having daddy issues if you have them.

There's nothing wrong with having sex with an older guy. But just feel like it's not baggage. It's just a part of you. And feel like you can communicate that aloud. Yeah. All right? Got it. Thank you so much all right have a great day best of luck you too all right bye yeah i like our analytical uh sexual freaks she actually she's not a sexual freak i actually one of my things i was thinking is she's just a normal person right you know she's just a girl yeah

who's a very normal and it's very normal to have these desires and whether she has daddy issues or not like i don't want her to feel like she's weird it's weird or there's an issue with her totally we all have her issues everyone has fantasies that's totally normal yeah she met a guy that she really likes but she has human desires this is all very normal i know and it's refreshing to have a woman be like hey this is what i want i'm a sexual person that's great but i don't want her to feel like oh i have a dad you don't have to you don't have to have daddy issues to be a sexual woman right um and i like that's right like older guys like it sounds like she's

wants to have sex like i was like six years older than her i mean there's one thing i have daddy issues and i'm like i'm fucking 70 year olds but like a 40 year old when you're in your mid-20s is not i mean it's older i'm just saying but like there's they might i'm not i'm not even making this about me but like there's not that weird for a 29 30 year old girl to meet a uh 40 year old guy who's like young and in shape or you know like i'm just saying like it's not it's not that much of a difference i don't think it's a fetish at all i don't think that if i go out with a girl who's in her early 30s or late 20s she has a fetish okay you do i don't know when i was in my early 20s, I dated a 33-year-old and I was like, he's so old. He worked at Goldman Sachs

and he had his own apartment and I was like, this is crazy. He's so old and it felt fetishy because he was like, most of the other guys I was dating

didn't have headboards, you know? That's because it's different. It doesn't make it a fetish. I don't know, Nick. Yeah. To be determined later. Well, what a great episode of, you know, to be determined later well what a great episode

you know to be determined whether every girl I go out with has a fetish if they like happen to be five years younger than me

yeah you think so I don't know I'm probably wrong I don't know a lot of fun stay out of your friend's business.

Yeah, probably. Yeah. Thanks for listening, guys. As always, send your questions to asknickatcastmedia.com, cast with a K. Don't forget to rate us five stars on iTunes. We love you, appreciate you. Thank you for listening.

Until next time, have a great day.