The Viall Files - E712 Ask Nick - He’s Ugly, But I Love Him

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We’re back to answer your burning questions about the world of dating and relationships. We start off by discussing the 50-part TikTok saga where @reesamteesa describes her scam-artist husband. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller found out her boyfriend was on Bumble, using her address. He’s in the military and she’s willing to make it work. Our second caller and her boyfriend no longer have sex, and she feels like it's her fault. After multiple UTIs and no longer feeling h*rny she doesn’t know how to reignite their sex drive. Our final caller loves her boyfriend’s personality, but is questioning her physical attraction to him. Is this something that can develop overtime, or is it necessary during their initial dates? “You’re allowed to care what he does on the internet.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles   THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS:  Caraway - Visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL to take advantage of this limited-time offer for 10% off your next purchase. Peloton - Peloton helps you start no matter what level you’re at - Wherever you’re starting, get moving with a Peloton Bike or Bike+ rental at https://www.onepeloton.com/bike/rentals  ZOA Energy - Find out where you can find it at https://www.ZOAEnergy.com and fine retailers like Amazon, 7-Eleven, Costco, Circle K and more.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @dereklanerussell @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein

what's going on everybody welcome back to another exciting episode of the vile files ask nick edition i am your host nick Nick. Joined by the household, we got sweet boy Justin, Leah, and Allie. Overseas. In the Midwest. What? She's on Mars. There are no seas in between us.

The Great Lakes. There you go. There's not even a lake in between us. Not even a river, actually. There's a river in Minnesota, right? It's the Mississippi River, but it's on the other side. It's the east side.

Technically, aren't I on the other side of the river from you? No. The Mississippi River is on the east side of Minnesota, I believe. Maybe the American River. No, it goes through the Twin Cities. But it's on the border of Minnesota and Wisconsin. I think I'm on the other side of the river from LA. Okay.

All right. So there's potentially a river. Anyway, welcome to the show where we uh listen to people call in share their relationship stories and we give some answers we got a great lineup for you tara schuster is here to recap with us she's been on the show before friend of show sierra robinson returns as well i probably should let people know why uh sierra keeps coming back yeah let the people know how we know sierra's just a good friend of ours we met her through uh saren wells and every time we hang out,

we just talk with Sarah about reality TV. And then she's been coming in and helping to fill in for our pop culture correspondent, Natalie Joy. We have so much fun talking with Sierra. So it's been fun to have her. But what's really exciting for Reality Recap tomorrow, Jess from Love is Blind will be with us in studio

to help recap Love is Blind, the next batch of episodes. Obviously, she had an iconic moment in the pods with Jimmy. So we'll talk with Jess about all that and more. Plus, we'll be breaking down Bachelor, Love is Blind, Vanderpump, we'll do some Housewives. And if there's any other, you know, things we need to discuss, we will discuss it. I assure you that. All right. What are we getting into before we get to our excellent callers? I mean, speaking of crazy relationship stories, have you seen this viral, not TikTok trend, but TikTok series of a woman who essentially talks about this man who's lied to her? Leah brought this to my attention. It's pretty juicy. But that's been done before. What's so captivating about this particular story? This is a 50 part series on tiktok when you say 50 part series like she's posted 50 10 minutes each oh my god 50

videos how many maybe even 52 to 8 hours minimum because some of them were longer and she's posted some summaries and some lives there is what's this's this person's name? Is there a TikTok account? Yeah, this is Risa Tisa on TikTok. And so she just like dated someone who she realized lied about who they are? She didn't just date him. She married him. She unfortunately had a miscarriage, but was pregnant with his child. This is a wild, wild story.

They met online on a dating app in March of 2020. Okay. And then shortly after that, as we all know... Deep in the pandemic. That was prime pandemic. This was in Georgia. So the pandemic hits. He had said that he was moving from San Diego.

A lie, we find out later. And he moves in with her so that they can quarantine together. So they move in. They start dating. She gets pregnant. They start looking for houses to move into. And things seem to be going well. He talks to his brother every day.

Never on speaker, though. That's an important point. Never on speaker. Talks to his brother every day. Says, yeah, Reese is his high. We've since now found out his true identity, but she refers to him as Legion. So they dated March till January, get married in January. Who showed up to the wedding?

That is a very good question. But honestly, genius for someone who's kind of catfishing his own life to date and get married during peak pandemic times when they could blame COVID for not being around other people. But is that what happened? Did she ever meet anyone from his family? He always had an excuse, always had a reason, never had his brother on speakerphone, yet talked to him every single day. What is making this story so captivating? Oh, people are going in on this story.

I think part of it's the hype, but the other part of it is her storytelling. Because it's 50 parts. She'll change backgrounds. She'll be in her car. And she just has the details. She lays it out as it is. She doesn't hold back. So I think that's why people are watching it. And the fact that each video gets about 5 million views, you kind of want to watch it.

Here are the lies. So she discovers all these lies. First of all, every time they tried to buy a house or a car, he apparently had all this money offshore in an account somewhere. Every time they try to buy something, there's a reason for it to fall through. They find a house that they love. They agree on it. It falls through. And she's getting suspicious. Why does this keep falling through? He shows her bank statements. We later find out that they were screenshots and that he made them. They were all fake. He was using Canva for his fake life. Was he really? No, he doesn't. Maybe. Well, that's definitely a red flag. Were there other

red flags that she talks about? This is the biggest one. So she had to apply for a job and she had to put both her and his social security numbers on this job application. And she realized that it was a different social security number and that it was a fake social security number. How did she realize? I think because she had a different one on their marriage license. When they got married, he used a different social security number. Here were all the lies that she found out from there.

This is when she realized that he was using a false social security number. When she got his real social security number, she discovered that he had been arrested in the past for trespassing and impersonating an officer. She also discovered that he had been arrested in the past for trespassing and impersonating an officer. She also discovered that he had been lying about his job. So he told her that he was a VP at a condiment company and he went to work every single day. He even called her from work and pretended to reprimand his employees while she was on the phone. But he never worked there.

No, never worked there. He was a temp at, I believe, a warehouse. He was a temp at a warehouse. He was a temp at i believe a warehouse he was a temp he was a temp at a warehouse insane he lied about all of his siblings by the way at this point was finding out his social security number was fake was that what made her realize that was like her main like change of mindset because she was prior to that were there like red flags that she was ignoring so she tells the stories about like payments not falling like falling through and him making promises that aren't true and then the social security thing was thing where it made her want to investigate it i'm curious about the red flags leading up to like if you find out your partner is lying about the social security number

that's a yeah well so that's a major red flag another red flag was that she had never spoken to his family until after she started investigating it. So every time in the morning, he'd be like, I'm on the phone with so-and-so. But she would never directly... His friends, too, by the way. So she never met a single friend or family? No. No, never spoke to anybody.

Never directly spoke to them until after she investigated, she reached out to the family members and found out that he was estranged. From every single one of them. So all those phone calls were just him talking to the abyss or like... Making it up. Yeah. Making it up. Yeah, exactly. Doing a scene. Yeah.

But we do find out when she reaches out and finds out that not only did he lie about how many siblings he had and the fact that he was talking to one of them every single day, but we found out he has a twin brother who essentially has the life that he's claiming to have. So the luxury cars, the money, the VP. Yeah, he was a VP. I don't know if at a condiment company, but he was a VP. And yeah, she realized that all of these screenshots of the bank statements

that he had been showing her were all false. Then she got concerned, reached out to his ex-wife. This is a big one. This one's really awful. He had told her that he had a daughter from a previous marriage who had passed. She calls this ex-wife alive and well the daughter is the daughter he did have a daughter and well he did actually have a daughter yes oh that's even worse who lies about their daughter dying what the fuck yeah like if he had made up a person and that made up person died still creepy and weird but to

falsify the death of your actual daughter yeah that's scary horrible that might be the worst thing that he did honestly anyway she kicks him out of the house and files for divorce in june of 2021 their divorce was finalized in december probably gonna get an annulment for this one you know well yeah because it's like i literally married someone with it's like not even a catfish, but he catfished everything about himself. How can you get married to someone you don't actually know their name, their social security card or number? She does take accountability for the fact of, you know, hindsight is 20 20. You look back and you see all of these things.

Maybe she was sweeping some under the rug. I mean, personally, I would find it weird if I had never spoken to anybody. A bunch of unverified promises yeah what i think a fascinating thing about the videos is i think it's a form of therapy for her because she's like reliving it as she's telling it and like she's realizing well that was a red flag that was a red flag and then people are also calling it out for her so like even us telling the story like we don't you have to watch all 50 parts to understand like the little bits of time so many people part of it too is she probably felt so alone she meets this guy during a pandemic she never speaks to any of his family or friends it sounds like they got married with each other and no one else so now she's found a whole kind of like community and family with

people on tiktok yeah and she probably feels so vindicated. This reminds me of being a kid. I feel like everyone's grown up with someone who went to grade school or middle school or even high school or maybe every phase of school. And there was always the people that you went to school with that would lie about their parents having a lake house in some state that they always were going to invite you to, but they never could. Cause there was always a reason. Or I remember this kid, his name is Kevin. I forgot his last name, but he told me how he had all the rookie cards. He had like the Michael Jack, Jordan rookie card, the Bo Jackson rookie card. And I was like,

oh man, he's like, yeah, you got to see it. But there was always like unavailable, like in some sort of storage warehouse and there was this kid named mike i went to high school with he would always lie always lie about how much money they had or things like that but i feel like everyone has gone to school with a person like that no i haven't gone with like gone to school with anybody that had a crazy lie like the crazy not craziest but like the only lie that i could like think of is my best friend she once told me that she went to like texas for a weekend and then became friends with page from dance moms oh that was like the randomest lie so like that to

me was like that did nothing but i remember in the first grade me and this kid named shane in the first grade i remember this one day first grade we're just like we're twins oh you guys decided to lie together yeah like i don't know i don't i don't know i don't know i were teaching like obviously we're lying yeah yeah we were like we i don't know i were teaching like obviously we're lying yeah yeah we were like we're like twins lost at birth we're like we're siblings and oh my god it was the weirdest shit how long did you keep that going um half a day or afternoon or something wait it's like parent teacher conference speaking of parent teacher conference you made me think of one so in sixth grade my older sister told her teacher that she went by Becca. So the whole year she would call her like, Becca, like, raise your

hand, Becca, if you're here. My mom and dad sit down at the parent-teacher conference with my sister. And the whole time the teacher is like, oh, Becca's a good student. Like Becca does this. Like we love Becca. And my mom at one point goes, who is Becca? Like after the whole thing, and then she found out this whole year that she made a lie fast forward my little sister who's eight years younger than my older sister has the same teacher and like on the first day the teacher was like like tell me if you have a nickname like and I'll call it like I'll call you by your name but don't give me a fake name I've had a student do that before my little sister goes up and is like I think that's my sister yeah so there's another lie well that's that's not as bad because like maybe she just wanted to be called Becca.

Just to be the parent, though, to sit down in a teacher conference and be like, who's Becca? What did your parents say to your sister? I don't think it was that big of a deal, but I think they were just like, OK. Like, do you like you hate your name or should we start calling you Becca? Yeah. My sister told our teacher that she couldn't read. What is she trying to get out of? No, she was like in kindergarten or something.

It was like kindergarten or first grade. And my parents went in for a conference. And the teacher was like, Marissa's doing well. But like one thing I would recommend, like maybe just start reading to her. Like a little bit every night. And my parents were like, she reads chapter books. Like, what are you talking about? And the teacher's like, OK, like, keep telling yourself that.

And then they went home and they were like, Marissa, what are you doing? And she's like, well, I didn't want the other kids to feel bad that they couldn't read as good as I could. So I just told her I didn't know how. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's almost like a consider an empathetic lie yeah yeah I mean kids are creative with their lives yeah I lied about not being able to see so I could get glasses oh really yeah and I went I went I know now I have now I can't see

anything no no I I lied even on the vision test with the doctor yeah I like went to the doctor a little too old to have been doing this i was in like eighth grade and oh my god leah you're like 23 yeah i literally got glasses like two years later and your defense glasses were like trendy they were everyone all the cool kids were wearing glasses and i could see perfectly i went and got a vision test. I lied literally every single letter. That's probably why they knew you were lying. The doctor knew. My mom told me this years later. The doctor knew and told my mom, she's lying.

Get the ugliest pair of non-prescription glasses and make her wear them. And you didn't wear them. And she'll, oh my God, they were hideous. I wore them for one day and then I was just like, F this. Fuck this.

That's funny because you thought that you were convincing the doctor, but he was like, nope. I know. I wore them for one day and then I was just like, F this. Fuck this. That's funny because you thought that you were convincing the doctor but he was like, nope. I know. I thought so for years until my mom told me like a long time later, maybe once I had glasses. So is this catfish story still ongoing? She's posting her own recaps now.

So I think she's realizing that people don't have time or don't want to go through the whole thing. She's recapping her own story. Yeah. I personally spent probably a couple of hours just watching summaries of this story. I don't mean to downplay it, but like, unfortunately, I feel like this isn't the first time this has happened. And I think it's only happened more and more. It's the age of the Internet, the age of catfishing, AI.

We're getting lonelier and lonelier as a society you know and then you know when you're lonely it's easier to like ignore the red flags because you feel this sense of companionship say what you want about catfish relationships is that as fucked up and as toxic as they are there's still a relationship you know that's why a lot of people who are are being catfish will have a hard time leaving that relationship even though deep down they know they're being catfish because they've built a connection with this person you know they wake up look forward to talking to this person there's a sense of companionship yeah so i just feel like this is

this is only gonna be there's only gonna be more and more of this shit i think it's interesting for viewers on tiktok because they're younger and catfishing usually happens with like older individuals because like the younger crowd right now we're trained to understand like this is clearly false on the internet and i think when she met him his hinge name and his facebook like dating profile name were different so like for like me that's automatically like that's a red flag social media in general like why aren't you required to be verified? I don't understand.

I do, you know, along with... I will say that is a feature on Hinge now where you can get a little checkmark. It's not required, but it is like a confidence booster if you match with someone who has one. But it's also not like verifying your like correct name, right? It's just your face. So you just do like an AI like head turn? Maybe. I assumed you had to take like a photo. It's nice, but it's just your face so you just do like an ai like head turn maybe i assumed you

had to take like a photo it's nice but it's not stopping the problem because somebody'd be like oh i can't afford i'm assuming it's a premium service i'm assuming i'm assuming it's something you have to pay for wild stuff how do you move on from that how do you trust somebody again i don't think it's that hard i mean like i think i hope i i mean i've watched the videos but i hope this is therapeutic for her i hope she is going back. And as she goes through the details, she's pointing out these red flags. I mean, I feel like a lot of people call into the show. A lot of people are captivated by our caller stories.

I know for some of our listeners, they're rolling their eyes, you know, at our audience members. But when the people who call in, you know, it's like when you are in it, when you are caught up in the emotion of it all or the fantasy of whatever you're in, it is hard to see the forest, the trees. I always say like no one lies to us more than we lie to ourselves. And we get a lot of feedback from the people call in that, you know, once they listen to the call back, it's a lot clearer. You know, remember our dear friend? She was very, you know, open about like listening to her original callback. She felt even more embarrassment from her original story because her listening to her telling the story almost put her in the same seat as all the other audience members who listened to her story. And then you're able to see, oh, fuck, that sounds fucking crazy. But that's the thing. It'd be one thing if you went through it and it's just like this person hired actors and his entire family showed up.

You know what I'm saying? But like there were clearly a lot of things she chose to believe, look the other way, ignore. I'm guessing, right? I'm guessing there were just several pieces of information. And that's why with catfishing, too it's just like, you play along sometime, you know? And my guess is she suspected long before she actually verified. I definitely think you can come back from it. You just have to be willing to actually, you know, go back and reassess what you chose to ignore. You're not always going to uncover every liar, but I think you can get a lot better at it and protecting yourself from something like that happening, you know, because for that to happen, you have to be complicit to a certain degree. You have to be willing

to ignore certain obvious things for the sake of the fantasy that you are enjoying. And, you know, pandemic, everyone's lonely. This guy maybe checked a few boxes here or there. You know, the money, this promises house, you know. You hear the word offshore. Run the other way. Right? Like best case, there's actually an account,

but they're a criminal. Best case. That's best case. I don't know of a single like actual normal person regardless of how much money that they have they're like oh let me pull this from an offshore account yeah immediate immediate red flag you know yeah offshore she's like oh can i see a bank statement man sorry it's offshore uh i don't know yeah i mean i think it's also interesting that we usually think catfishing is

like visual right like we think that catfishing is you thought they looked like this person but they ended up being this person but in her case it was he had just had a fake life he was the person she saw physically but you know there are people who have you know second families yeah we've had callers like that before too it's like i've figured out he not only has a wife but he has children yeah so i'm not trying to downplay this person's story. I think what's even crazier to me hearing the story is the thoroughness of her eight hours. And she went live for a really long time.

She posted summaries. She did a press tour. Well, no. Okay. Figured it. Her own press tour. She went on her own press tour she went on her own press tour on tiktok i would say let's get around but it sounds like she's covered every

detail on the topic of red flags last week we talked about beige flags and a couple of the other dating viral dating things i thought of beige flags while watching love is blind and i'm trying to think what was the beige flag i'm having a brain because i remember watching him like now that's a beige flag well you tried saying that um chelsea pouring the alcohol was the beige flag? I'm having a brain. I remember watching him like, now that's a beige flag. Well, you tried saying that Chelsea pouring the alcohol was a beige flag. Was that it? Is that a deep pour because she's

stressed out in a pod or is this a nightcap for her? True. We don't know if it's a red flag. Could be. It's whatever Jimmy would be thinking. It would be his perspective. I feel like a beige flag is a potential red flag without a lot of context. A lot of information.

There's more questions to be asked. Yeah. There are more questions to be asked, but it's also, eh, do I even care? That's how I feel about it. Sometimes it's like you love them enough to not care about it. Okay. Yeah. But speaking of other definitions, Leia had another one.

One of them is orbiting, which is sticking around. It's sticking around after a romantic relationship has ended. And according to our sweet, sweet Justin, it's keeping a roster. Or trying to stay relevant. So like orbiting is a form of keeping a roster.

When you were describing orbiting, you know, I know a lot of people, in fact, I've done, everyone's done this, especially if you're in a long-term relationship. Breaking up is hard. And oftentimes in long-term relationships, you break up, but you have a lot of mutual friends, so you run in the same circles,

you have some sex, and even though you broke up, you don't really break up maybe four or five, six months later till you're actually like, no, we need to cut off communications, we need to stop hanging out, we need to stop having random hookups you don't really break up maybe like four or five six months later till you're actually like no we need to cut off communications we need to stop hanging out we need to stop having random hookups and shit like that that that's not orbiting or that is orbiting that's a version of orbiting

it's a version of yeah so orbiting is it could either be you trying to stay in someone's orbit or someone trying to keep you in their orbit okay yeah so i think another way to think about it and it's along the similar lines of what you're saying is you might have an ex from the past that always will randomly like like a photo like they won't contact you for years but then they'll like one of your stories and that's them trying to re-enter your orbit gotcha so they're kind of saying like hey i still exist like here i am sure it's whether you've done that before i have to have that done to me is orbiting like a super bad thing or what? I think it's pretty toxic because how are you moving on? How, in my opinion, it's almost like leading somebody on.

How are you moving on to another relationship if you still have, if you are still orbiting or you still have people? So many variables here. Like the people I thought of. Well, that's what was going to be my question to our gen z or sweet boy justin because i'm like i feel like i've had this happen in multiple different contexts are you not gen z we're like ellie and i are kind of on the cusp i would say are we on the bookends of the millennials i was born in 1995 like i'm the oldest so you're an old millennial i think we're

young millennials everybody has a different definition but the one that i just found is 1997 to 2012 so then i'm a millennial so i'm in gen z so i'm the eldest gen z you're the oldest of the old gen z you're an elder yeah people are an elder gen z that's okay nick's the oldest of the old i'm an elder i'm an elder millennial no okay i barely make a millennial. As the elder Gen Z, can I ask the younger Gen Z a question? Go for it. Because I feel like, one, I've had a guy flame an Instagram story recently. Two, this was wild. Had this girl reach out to me. We literally FaceTimed once back in 2021.

And she has continued to text me like every six months but then being back in minnesota there are like two guys who are like actively trying to like see me and make plans and like texting me are those all orbiting i mean your hot commodity is what that's saying but i mean it's it's people trying to re-enter or stay in your orbit so like there's like two ways of it you can either control your own orbit or people trying to do it themselves so why can't we just why do we need the word orbiting i'm confused can't we just call it roster building yeah it's just another form of building your roster they're not on my roster i've never had a roster i don't want a roster i've never dated more than one person at a time so they're trying to become like be in your roster. Therefore, they're like,

I don't have one. In my single era, you know, I was single for several years. And like, you know, you would meet a lady here or there and, you know, you'd go on a couple dates or maybe you met them out of town. There was like some chemistry. Maybe there was a hookup. Maybe there even wasn't a hookup. Or maybe you were seeing someone or they're you know it's like the timing never lined up or maybe you found them to be really attractive but kind of a pain in the ass and then like you're like i don't want to really fuck with this person anymore but then time goes on you forget how much they're a pain in the ass they post a thirst trap on social media you know you reach out to them or vice versa you know like is that orbiting or is that just two

people being single and in their fuckboy era and like you know scratching an itch when they're bored i think scratching the itch like causes you to enter the orbit okay because you can like i don't know i don't know the science here's a question for you as an elder millennial like why is gen z obsessed with new terminology because they like to feel special i call this this is cosmopolitan i mean what would you call it i don't know like i feel like it's just a term for something that exists that nobody really like well the problem with all these new terms is then like first like you know gaslighting you've heard me go on and on and on and on and on about like my complaint about gaslighting. And then society always waters down the meaning of these words, ghosting, you know, ghosting used to be like being in a relationship

with someone, you know, like our caller last week, uh, and then waking up one day and that person disappears on you. And now ghosting, people are using that word to describe someone they've matched on a dating app. They've sent two messages messages to and that person decided not to write back so it's like you know even those words losing loses their own meaning it's hard to keep up with the meaning of these made-up words it's very confusing and seems unnecessary my father-in-law the other day said you guys are just making up a language at this point because really speak and just it's a made-up language it's evolving every day and the words always lose their meaning you just gotta keep up you just gotta keep going the other day my dad was like oh it's giving and i was like pop

off king i'll say well no to me that's different like using slang and like fun like words you know it's i have fun with it like obviously natalie has has introduced a lot of terminology and language that like i find myself using for fun but that's different than me like me being like i just feel like i'm being orbited right now and i don't know how to explain it and like like use use your words to articulate your emotions. You know, I feel like people like don't know how to articulate or communicate their emotions. Like, you know, so they come up with these words. I don't know. Orbiting. Not my favorite.

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And he's got some great callers for you. Some juicy, juicy stories. Some pretty great advice, I think. Like I said, we have a great week lined up for you. We got Jess from Love is Blind to give us all the tea on the pods of her interactions with Jimmy and the rest of the cast. A little

kind of mid-season update from Jess herself. We'll also get into The Bachelor, Vanderpump, some Housewives stuff. I learned an interesting fact recently about some Housewives. I learned that Dorit, what's her husband's name? P.K. P.K. He's a music producer. I think that's one of his

One of his. One of his identities. One of his? Oh. I think that's one of his. One of his. One of his identities. One of his? Oh, I think that's what he's most known for. But his only client is Boy George. I heard through the grapevine, unverified, alleged, that the only person he reps in the music industry is Boy George. And I'm just like, how does this motherfucker, how do they have so much money? You know?

Where does this money come from? It says, according to PK's official LinkedIn page, he is an entrepreneur and talent manager for Boy George, Dorit, and the late soccer player Pele. Pele? Sure. That's a huge name. That's arguably considered the greatest soccer player of all time. But anyways, Boy George had a moment for sure like 30 years ago.

Interesting roster. But where do you get all this money? I mean, Boy George also used to be a friend of the show on beverly hills well and then scandals also a director of a real estate agency but that was only since 2022 it also says that he's an entrepreneur which could really mean anything does he have an offshore account probably yeah i would not be so bad or an only fans page we'll never know i, he also has a record of gambling and stuff. So I think he just has a lot of pools of income. That sounds suspect.

Yeah. He's always in London doing business. Yeah. Managing Boy George. Doesn't seem like a full-time job. I don't know. Anyways, I found that fact to be interesting. We'll get into it more on Reality Recap.

And then this Thursday, we have Reality TV royalty Candy Burris with us, giving her what we like to call her Bravo exit interview. She is iconic. She is a queen. And we had a great time talking with Candy. And so be sure to tune into that. So much more great stuff coming your way. I hope you guys enjoyed Natalie and I's birth story that we dropped last Thursday. If you missed that, be sure to check that out. We cried. cried we laughed we told intimate details about giving birth to our daughter river i hope you guys listen it was meaningful and heartfelt and um again go fucking listen if you haven't yet you know don't offend us all right well it's time to get to our callers let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Oh, not too bad.

My name is Peyton and I am almost 29. It is my birthday this weekend. Happy birthday, Peyton. Yeah, thank you. And I need help because I found out my boyfriend is on Bumble. Oh, okay. Yeah. Without your permission, I'm assuming.

Of course, yes. Without my permission, for sure. Have we addressed it with your boyfriend yet? I have talked to him. Yes. Yes. And? So this was about a week ago, actually, that I got a random message on Instagram from who I'm only assuming is a girl. I'm not sure. They wouldn't tell me who they were. It was a private message from an account with zero posts, zero followers and everything like that, saying that they found out that they knew I was dating him and wanted to tell me that they saw him on Bumble.

And I at first was like, this is a joke. Like, it's a fake account. Like, I'm not taking this seriously. I told him about it, showed him like screenshots. And he was like, oh, yeah, like, that's that's weird like I don't know who would do that um and like they knew him by name like said his name and everything so I was like okay well seems a little odd um and then I was just it was eating at me so I followed up and I was like hey like just wondering like who who is this and they were like oh all I'm gonna say is that um I saw him on Bumble and I have

proof and I was like okay well can you send the proof and they sent me the screenshots of his profile and basically told me like yeah like I saw him like the day before yesterday so this was like a little over a week ago that they saw his profile on there. And I was like, okay, well, that seems weird. So I had to like then text him and be like, wait, they said like they showed me your profile. And we actually met on Bumble. So I was like, your profile does not match what it looked like when we met. So what's different here?

When were you on this? How long have you been together? We've been together. So we matched just about two years ago, here where when were you on this how long you've been together we've been together um so we we matched just about two years ago um officially together about a year and a half a little over a year and a half it's been a while it wasn't like a month ago no no no it's been a while for sure um and yeah so then updated updated photos same photos updated bio updated like prompts and stuff like that what was what was his bio

um his bio just had stuff about like how he like loves coffee like mental health matters like oh okay stuff like that just very like simple um but like on bumble um you can put what you're looking for and it said relationship and i was just like okay well you're in a relationship so that's super weird so at first i was like i was i was just like were okay, well, you're in a relationship. So that's super weird. So at first I was like, I was, I was just like, were you this calm? No, no, I wasn't. Okay. I was not this calm. I was very angry.

But my initial reaction was just. So like when you're talking to him, are you yelling at him? Are you like, what's your tone? So I guess, so I should put in that we are, we are long distance. He's in the military. He lives about four and a half hours away from me those fucking military guys

I know I actually listened to your episode the other day that you were just talking about like the stripper or something and the military guy and I was like

oh no but so I followed up with him over text and I just said like hey like she says she has proof here's the proof

what the heck is going on like what what what is this and he basically was like oh that's so weird like um and it did say like the location was my hometown and i was he's not from my hometown so i was like why does it say this place and he was like oh it must have been from like after we met last year or like wait so his like his search is where you live not where he lives yeah yeah so then i'm doing like the girl deep dive on google trying to figure out like how this could be if he's telling the truth blah blah blah and i find out that like you can't change the location unless you pay for premium and he absolutely did not pay for premium it's

very cheap so that was like not a thing. And then I also found out that you have to be active within 30 days for your profile to still show up. So he could still have technically had the profile set up and been like deleted the app kind of thing. And then so he kind of like doubled down, said like, oh, like, yeah, last year or like whenever we first met in person i was still

on it and i was like okay but that was a year and a half ago so why is it showing up now and then he finally owned up and said um i actually was on it in december we quote unquote broke up um in december for a week um basically i was a little bit wishy-washy, so I will give him that. Did you break up? Pardon? Did you break up? I was the breaker-upper, yes. So you broke up with him in December? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. But to me, I was not actually like, we're broken up. I was kind of like, I'm done. I don't know where to go from here. What was the issue? Um, we were just having a really bad rough patch. Like we got in a really bad fight in September where I was just feeling like he wasn't making me a priority. I wasn't feeling like the effort was being made. Um, I was feeling like I was kind of leading us through our relationship. And then we got another fight um while we were away actually and it was our first trip together and we got in a big fight because um I airdropped him some photos from our trip that day and realized as like you know when you airdrop photos

it like goes directly to your camera roll it opens I saw there was like a bikini picture and it was not me and I was like what the hell is that um this is October basically it was in in October yeah and basically it was like an Instagram model he was like oh I just like I'm not talking to anyone it's nothing like that I just um I just wanted to like look at it and I was like you had to save it like like you can I I have no problem with you looking at whatever you want on the internet go out go right ahead but like you had to save it that's weird and then we ended up getting over that we got in another fight at the end of november did you know who this person was and were you able to look at their no no it was like some like one of those just like random instagram

girls like influencer i guess i don't know yeah I'm just wondering if you went back and looked at their account and wonder if he had follows or DM her or. I don't know who it was. I don't know who it was. I just, all I saw was the glimpse of the photo and then made him delete it. And then in November we got in another big fight and I was just feeling like so done.

I was just like, we keep fighting. We're in this rough patch. Maybe it's a rough patch. Maybe we get through this. I don't know. But I just was feeling like the priority thing kept coming up. The effort thing kept coming up. And then the trust was a little bit broken with that photo.

But I decided, okay, I can probably get over this. Now, where we stand. So when we got in that fight at the end of November early December I was like that's when I said I was done and I was just like I can't do this anymore um and I he took it as like a full break even though breakup even though we were still talking every day and then I mean we were still talking and I was fighting and it was I was angry and we were like just we were we were texting too which just wasn't helpful so then i was like we need to get on the phone we got on the phone we had a two and a half hour

phone call we worked it all out seemed good and then um he came home for the holidays and stuff we had a great time over the holidays i was feeling really reconnected with him i was like okay maybe we're finally out of this rough patch and then i got this message last week and so he kind of lied about it so has he come clean at all he has yeah he's owned it what's the truth now this is my biggest problem is that but what is the truth what is his truth what is his truth when regarding him being on bumble his truth is that he says we were broken up i was drunk i was with the boys they were telling me to move on it doesn't sound healthy so i just got on and i was feeling lonely so blah blah blah like that sort of a thing and i was like as far as were you gonna meet up well i mean forget about that but do you have any other proof that that he did anything more

than sign up for bumble i have no other proof that he did anything more okay um this girl that messaged me she said you know or just be on the app like i guess you know if he was on bumble he swiped you know maybe he connected with a few people maybe there are a few conversations the fact that you did break up in december yeah it does fit his timeline it does absolutely and i i do believe him um the thing that i'm kind of stuck on is just like why it was in my hometown um maybe he's because were you together when we broke up no he was in his like where he lives on base oh so the next time he was he was in my hometown was christmas holidays and he the first thing he said

was oh i set my location because i knew i'd be coming home which was a lie he lied to me three times in the span of me trying to like ask him about this and i asked him all the questions i said did you want to meet up with people how many people did you talk to how many people did you match with like what did he say everything what do you say he owns everything so how do you did you look does he still have the app did you look so i haven't seen him in person since then i haven't been able to see him he's on a course right now so i can't even see him he is coming home for my birthday this weekend which um yeah it's not great timing but it is what it is um and so i haven't been able to see i didn't want to like bring up too much because then i wanted to ask him in person let me see the app and like i should

say too like i am i'm not this girlfriend ever like i never have had to feel like i've never been cheated on or anything like that so i don't have trust issues so i don't feel the need to like be that person that's like hey let me see your phone like i i don't ever want to do that but now i feel like he's put me in that position yeah he's clearly not he's at best breadcrumbing the truth to you because you keep you are persistent in finding the truth you know he he and he's done he's done everything everything right in this situation other than when he started by lying but once he owned it and he was like, you know what? Yes, I was on in December. I'm really, really sorry.

He's apologized immense amount of times. I know he's sorry. I mean, you broke up with him. That's what he says, too. I don't know what. But why run right to an app? Like, are you serious? I'm not saying you don't have a right to be upset.

I want to be clear about that. Yeah. Yeah. You have the right to be upset. But you were broken broken up and so people handle breakups all sorts of different ways and his story of uh how old are how old are you guys again you're 29 i'm 29 uh and i'm turning 29 this weekend he's gonna be 30 this year okay um not that young but i mean you're young but nevertheless um his story about like you know you're not with him you break up with him remotely long distance wise he's with his army buddies and the version of like fuck her this sucks son's unhealthy get back out there

very believable story yeah i mean it's a reaction to, you know, being upset. Did he handle it right? Not really. You know, do you have a right to be upset? Absolutely. But it's an understandable emotional response, I guess is what I'm trying to say. The how could you question that you ask yourself when he does shit like that, to me as an outsider, like I can understand how

i can understand why it hurts you too it could have been just a reactive decision like that's believable you know he gets out there obviously you guys were having issues it didn't sound like your relationship was on the best trajectory at this time um that being said the whole bikini picture a couple months ago, huge red flag, which kind of makes everything else questionable because that's kind of a weird shady thing. Doesn't totally add up. His location thing that you doesn't totally add up to me that suggests that maybe his story is believable. Has he been home since? You haven't seen him since. I haven't seen him since Christmas.

You haven't seen him since Christmas. And when seen him since Christmas. You haven't seen him since Christmas. And when did you find out about this? Last week. So his story is believable, but it also suggests that when he was home, he went on the app and his location updated, is my guess. Yeah. That's what I've asked him. And all I can really go off of is his word.

He says he wasn't. He says he doesn't know why it was showing up in my hometown um is there a chance that it updates without him going into the app like apps i think you don't close all i can all unless like it has something to do with his location settings on his phone if his gps searched on google yeah if his gps locations are if in every app will give you that option do you want to you know share your gps with this app so i guess it could update automatically well and it just but then i still was just like why was it still on your phone and then i found out it was still on his phone because then she messaged me two days after i had this whole talk with him last week

and she said hey just by the way it the profile still up, it came up again for me today. So I was like, are you still on this app? He would have to be off for 30 days for it to not show up. Yeah, exactly. But then it would have been like December 16th kind of thing would have been like, I mean, I don't know about every single app. I know that uh some apps do make it difficult for you to remove yourself quickly and that even though you delete the app and shut down your profile i do know that it's possible for you to show up on some apps i don't know about this particular app that you know i guess like my biggest question for you is like i'm i'm believing him. I'm believing him. I'm not like we're breaking up. This is it.

My biggest question is that I'm just like I'm holding on to a lot of anger with him right now. I'm having a really hard time forgiving him and I just don't know how I move on from this. Which part? Which hurts you the most? The biggest part is not telling me. The saved bikini?

I don't know. To me, if you believe his story, if you believe that you broke up with him and he got on the apps pretty quickly, to me, that would be easier to understand and forgive than the bikini picture. Yeah. I mean, that picture. I think you feel embarrassed because you had to hear from someone else and you don't even know who that is and it's embarrassing you feel embarrassed yeah but yeah and

just like that he wouldn't like tell me like I was like I feel like the best way you would have handled this why would he tell you broke up with him he gets on the apps you couple days later or a week later you guys have a conversation I don't know who initiated it. Sounds like probably you. You guys work through some issues. You took him back because you were the one who initiated the breakup, so to speak. And, you know, time had passed. Feelings have cooled.

I mean, emotions have cooled rather. And you take him back. Yeah. I mean, the most noble thing to do would for him to have been like i just got to be honest with you i was upset you know i got on the apps i'm sorry yeah that would have been definitely the right thing to do and you have the right to be upset but i'm not trying to make excuses for him lying but he wouldn't be the first person who was just like you know what i i didn't technically do anything wrong. We were broken up. And it's just going to create, like, we just mended fences.

So I don't want to throw a grenade on this. Yeah. I'm not saying what he did is okay. I want to be clear. No, no, I know. But, you know, the, how could you do that? You're a monster. You know, like, I bet you're capable of doing this, I guess is what I'm saying.

You know? Yeah. Definitely. These types of little white lies and, you know, our ability to convince ourselves that we're actually not being dishonest and that it's okay. You know what I'm saying? Like, we've all done shit like this. You know, it's not okay.

And you have the right to be upset. But this is not one of those, like, I can't understand. I can't believe how he did that. Now, this is all assuming you believe his story. And his story is somewhat believable, you know, and you're just going to have to trust your gut. My biggest advice to you is you obviously still want to work it out with this guy, right? You know, you still have feelings, it sounds like. So I think you guys need to have, when you're in person, and just an honest conversation about where things are at a hard reset you just you

gotta say listen i know we've been arguing a lot recently the past few months you know and maybe i didn't handle my emotions in december when i broke up with you the best i just i felt well however you felt you can just you can describe those feelings but you guys just have to get on the same page you know you're just like do we want to, where are we? I love you. Do you love me? Do you want to do this? You hear me say all the time, it's just like at the end of the day, relationships are about waking up every day and choosing if you still want to be with each other and still want to put in the work to keep this connection strong. When you first met, I don't know how it was, but my guess guess is when you met you both were attracted to each other there was some natural chemistry there was some excitement and that chemistry and excitement of

you two meeting and having some sex and whatever that got you through for the first several months right then he goes off you guys are long distance he's in the military you have a life you have your things going on and it's easier to disconnect you know the momentum of the excitement and the chemistry slows down and call it whatever you want the honeymoon phase and you got to put in the work now it's harder and you have to put in more work when it's long distance because it's just easier because of the given the space to disconnect and you have to reconnect via facetime and on the phone and that can just feel redundant and boring and whatever you it takes effort. So you guys have to sit down and say, do we want to do this?

Do we want to be together? You know, because this is where we're at. If we want to be together, we're going to have to put in the work, you know, like and we've made some mistakes and this hurt my feelings. It really upset me when you did this. You know, there's a difference between I don't want to be that girl and and just being so chill that you don't care what he does on the Internet. You know, like you're allowed to care what he does on the Internet. Yeah. You know, well, I really didn't before this.

I really didn't care. I was like, if you want to look at that, go ahead and look at that. There's a difference between like, hey, you know, people. Yeah. There's a difference between like, hey, you know, people. Yeah, there's a difference between like, hey, listen, we're not together at all. If you watch porn, whatever, man. I don't care. There's a big difference between that and him screenshotting pictures of women on Instagram. That's what I said.

I was like, I don't. And he compared it to like me watching like Magic Mike. I was like, that is quite literally not the same thing. No. Not the same. No. It's a movie. It's an actor.

It's like he's it's lighting and editing and nutritionists and all of that. I was like, that doesn't add up. Also, these are like fictional characters and movie stars. And he is talking to some person that he has access to. He could just message them, whether they respond back or not. I don't know. Yeah, well, and that was the point was that it was like he has access to that

person. I don't have access to Magic Mike. Yeah, the big thing is you have to ask yourself overall, do you still trust him? And do you still want to be in this relationship? And then when he comes home, you got to ask each other is this do you still want to be in this relationship and then when he comes home you got to ask each other if this is something you guys do want to do hey listen let's just keep it real with each other we've been together for a couple years now um this is our situation i don't know how much longer he has in the military how much longer you guys going to be

long distance or or whatever but you almost have to do like um kind of like a mid-year review, you know, of your relationship with each other. Yeah. Well, he has another like year and a half left. Okay. So you have a year and a half left. His plan is to get out after that year and a half. Okay. And you're 29 years old and he's 30.

And like, what is your plans as a couple? I guess our plans is just like to keep going as we are for now and what is that when he does come home at long distance and like that was the thing is i like i listen to your podcast are you okay with that plan i'm okay with that plan i'm okay with that plan i'm like a very like independent person i like my alone time and all of that so i'm okay with it what do you want for this from this relationship i want eventually to marry him and be with him forever like i i from very early in this relationship told myself like yeah i think this is the one i think this is my guy okay um and i felt my biggest things with him are i feel he's really like a gentle giant and um that I felt

really safe with him that safety has now been a little bit skewed because of the photo of downloading bumble because I feel like um I feel like that trust has been definitely broken I've never like I said been cheated on or anything I've never really had my trust broken in this way before. And I do believe his story to an extent. But like you said, like the parts I'm questioning are the same parts you're saying are questionable. Like the location and all of that. One part I should mention that I forgot to say before, too, was that when I did call him out on all of this I picked up the phone I was like call me right now because we had decided like no more texting if we're going through something if something's going on we need to pick up the phone and call and voice to voice talk like

texting is silly so I called him he ignored it or didn't answer it and then I called him again and I kept calling and he was like oh sorry like I'm just trying not to die in this game right now he's a gamer and i am like very hardcore against video games um which he knows and then just that was another example of him not making me a priority in that moment to not answer my phone call because he didn't want to die in his fake game rather than like talk to his girlfriend in real life. All right. Well, we need to rewind for a few seconds. He's a gamer and you're against video games.

That's, that's, that's a problem. It's, it's been our biggest problem. It's been our biggest problem. Okay. Well,

what are you going to do about it? So I, because he has a right to play video games, you know, a thousand percent, a thousand percent a thousand percent my problem with video games is when he goes long periods of time with like just like not answering me or he'll prioritize like the game and playing with his friends over like like hanging with me um and that's where it's come into play he's gotten a lot better i will say in our relationship

i think like it just took some time um i just i've just never been the person i don't i don't like video games yeah you don't like it you don't get that's fine that's different between you being against them you know and listen yeah you're not the only girlfriend who hates the video games because their boyfriends are but it's all about balance it's about just you know him like you said like hey listen man for me i don't play a lot of video games these days you know when i was in my 20s it was an issue with my girlfriend uh my my decompression is packers football and you know going on twitter and reading news and sometimes i get a little carried away with it sometimes nally has to bug or even complain you know uh i do a pretty good job of of listening

but you know every every guy especially any people but like has their little thing where they just need to kind of mentally fucking check out you know and he just needs to he needs to have some balance with it yeah yeah i'm like on that like where he like should have this like decompression. Like that's how he says it. He's like, it just is my way of like, like decompressing. And I totally like, I'm fine with that. I think it's just when it comes into choosing that over like answering my phone call was like, not okay. Like, I like, like a hundred percent of the of the time no but in this situation oh we were we were arguing about the relationship and he and he yeah well and that's what he said he was like i didn't want to answer the phone i didn't want to get yelled at i knew you were going to react this way

you guys you guys here's the thing uh we're not going to solve this on the phone right he's not here you know we're getting into like hey a mediation call which by the way i would love to do if uh if he's ever down that being said uh you love him you want to make this work there are things in your relationship that are not ideal right um let's just let's just for argument's sake say that for the most part he told you the truth that he had some moments of weakness he was reactive he took some bad advice from his friends but at the end of the day he didn't fuck anyone he hasn't been messaging anyone he didn't go on any dates you know you guys have had a relationship that quite honestly hasn't had a lot of good communication uh listening to you talk my guess

is you know if i were watching the tape on your relationship the past couple months i could point out things that you said or did that i would have been like, I don't know, wasn't very productive or helpful and vice versa with him. So that's just my guess. And you guys are at this point where you're really, you broke up with him in December, you got back together, like you're not on the same page right now. Yeah. And it's been long distance, which is extra hard to reconnect when things you feel disconnected so my advice is wait for him to come out for for now for the time being you got to stop with the whole like driving yourself crazy googling how these apps work

unless you want to just break up with him now and like think he's full of shit you know maybe something comes out where you realize he was lying to you. But for the time being, you're not doing yourself any good. Yeah. By being some sort of detective, you know, his story for the most part adds up like that,

that you breaking up with him mid December, you know, had you not done that, then we had very different conversation, but you did. And, you know, it's not that crazy for a guy to be upset about it and his buddies like gas him up and he gets on the app and

you know if he had the app before probably wasn't that hard to turn it back on pictures were already there up to his bio you know and start start swiping that being said when he gets here like i said you just have to sit him down and be like, listen, I know we've had our problems. First of all, I love you. And I want to be with you. You're still the person that someday I know, like, I want to spend the rest of my life with. Like, do you still feel that way about me? That's the first part of that conversation. Assuming his answer is yes, then you need to say, well, I'm a, I'm really glad to hear that. But like, we need to work on our connection and you need to say well i'm a i'm really glad to hear that but like we need to work on our connection we need to work on our communication i don't know how he's going to

feel about you know i'm glad that he prioritizes his mental health and he put it in his dating bio he doesn't though that's the funny part is well whatever he fucking said it he fucking said it and you can be like you know listen if you really if this means a lot to you if you if I really am that person you want to be with, we need some help. And again, you're going to, you know, couples therapy. I've said it before. I'll say it again, but like, and you guys could do that remotely. You can do that long distance. You can go to couples therapy in different locations via zoom with a therapist, but like you guys, you guys just need some help reconnecting and figuring out how you guys can stay connected via long distance and set up some parameters and you guys can talk about the video game playing

you can talk about what triggers him and what triggers you what frustrates him what frustrates you and my guess is he does little things and then you you know you will call him and expect him to answer and it's just like I can call you 10 minutes later. You go, why didn't you answer for me? It's me. And like, he's playing video games. You get more mad because you know he's going to do it. And you're like, you're testing him and shit like that.

And all that bullshit that people do in relationships, you guys just have to, you know, A, stop. But more importantly, figure out what it is that is triggering you guys. Get on the same page. Hear each other out where you have a mediator, let the other person finish. Maybe at times when he's speaking and you're already stopped listening

because he said something about video games and it triggered you. And then that person can say, wait, let them finish, hear him out. Literally, that's what a couple therapist does half the time is just play referee.

Yeah. Especially during disagreements, you know, and if you guys really want to make this work, it sounds like you're going to need some help and that's okay because most, most relationships do because long distance relationships are hard and they're extra hard when one of those people is in the military and their time is very much controlled by the fact that like they're in the military and there's an added pressure. There's a strain on your mental health in the military. You know, you really, you must, I don't know what it's like to be in the military, but I can only assume you need to be able to decompress. And, and it's a little different than like being an accountant.

I do like the idea, like your idea of like a hard reset and just like resetting our expectations and our where we're at um and like i said too he has done everything right in this circumstance he he went on so what he did last week too is he went on the app again when i told him to he deleted the profile not just the app and he said like i see it one of two ways either i do this and i just like figure it out or i lose you and i don't want to lose you so i know he doesn't want to lose me so why don't you send him a message today even and say hey listen i know we've been through a lot the past couple months but i just want you to know how much i love you how much our relationship means to me and how excited I am to see you

this weekend. I do think we have a lot to discuss because that all being said, we've had a lot of issues. I know you've been frustrated with things. Obviously, you know I've been frustrated with things and I just want to use this time not only to celebrate my birthday, but maybe like get back on the same page and figure out ways to help us be a healthier couple in the future. And maybe set that expectation via text. But it starts with how much you care about him, how much you want to be with him, and what you want to do this weekend. And then this weekend when he gets there to say, hey, can we talk? And maybe it's after you hook up and have some great sex and you're lying in bed naked and you're just like hey can we talk about us for a second i i i don't want to risk losing us and i do think we need some

help and like you know and if he says well i don't know we can do this on our own and blah blah blah blah be like hey motherfucker you don't get to go on a fucking dating app and say you prioritize your mental health and then turn me down for couples therapy after you just told me you want to make this work and i'm the person you spend the rest of your life. We have to be honest with ourselves and our relationship. I broke up with you in December. You went on the fucking dating app. You screenshotted pictures.

We've both fucked up. And like, we're really risking us not working out, you know? And do you really want to lose this? Because like, I don't think we can do it on our own. And, you know, unless you're a relationship expert in the military playing video games maybe we just need some fucking help yeah yeah no i think that's a good idea i i'm like i'm still i i yes i hear you and i think it's a really good idea i should say it i'm having a hard time even like we're usually like very like honey this baby that like we're very like pet namey lovey like that and i just in the last week haven't even been able to say that to him because i just feel like i'm so angry with him oh yeah you're

upset and that's okay you know but like nothing i just to suggest you to say takes away from the fact that you're still allowed to be upset and you can even acknowledge that like i'm still processing this obviously i'm still upset that all said, I do know that I love you. And I do know that you're the person I want to make this work with. Yeah. Yeah. And you got to acknowledge when you say this that he has the right to be upset with things too. He has the right to be frustrated with things too.

So acknowledge both of those and just say how you want to use this time when he's in town to come back together and figure out how you guys could reset the relationship. Talk about different ways that you guys could change your behaviors, get some help when it comes to your relationship and go forward and see if he's willing to actually put his money where his mouth is, so to speak. Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. I'm hesitant that he'll say yes to couples therapy. I'm in therapy, and I've tried to tell him I need therapy. You need to persist. Well, start with couples therapy, maybe.

Because couples therapy, he might need his own individual therapy. That might be true. But couples therapy is separate. In my, in my opinion, you know, it's just like, again, that's just about someone helping you guys figure out how to communicate more effectively,

which you guys aren't doing, you know, it's playing that referee during high intense triggering moments. And through couples theory, he might discover the benefits of therapy and might get into individual therapy, but you can still do couples therapy

even though he's not in an individual therapy and yeah he might be resistant to it but you need to be persistent don't give up with a simple no

and remind him hey again why should either of us think that we can do this on our own this shit's hard it's hard

it's okay to acknowledge that relationships are hard and long distance ones are even harder and ones that would include someone in the military are even harder. So, and two people who love each other, who want to make it work, can have a hard time connecting in a way that makes both people happy and they can break up because they were too stubborn to not put in the work, you know? And it's just a matter of effort, you know? And you can say, listen, if you want like a video game, like, you know, I'm sure he's got to help from video games. I'm sure he's asked a buddy or two

for a tip or trick or whatever. What's the difference between like relationships? That's true. I wonder if I put it that way, he'll be more inclined. Maybe, I don't know. But like you have to be persistent. And at the end of the day, you have to say, listen, I just, I need us to do this.

And if you really want to be with me and if you really are serious about making our relationship healthy and and get to where we both want to go then you'll do this for me and for us and it's okay you know and and even if you go in a little resistant i i need you to do this for us yeah yeah okay if he refuses then you might need to reevaluate your relationship you know because right now you guys are having a hell of a time getting on the same page and i don't see that changing anytime soon without some help no and i agree we're really really different people so like and not that that's a bad thing, but I think that is a good point that we might need some help just because we are so different.

We communicate very differently and we think very differently and all of that. It's, uh, yeah, that's what it's going to take. Otherwise you're just wasting each other's time. Okay. Well, I appreciate it. I'm definitely going to talk to him. I hope it goes well this weekend with my birthday and everything, but. would if i were you i would send the message before he comes take the bad vibes try to reduce the bad vibes you know yeah yeah and that way when you have the conversations

maybe it's less intense yeah all right that's very fair okay well thanks nick i appreciate the advice all right well keep us posted. Love to know what ends up happening. I will, for sure. And if he ever wants to jump on a Zoom together, you could do that long distance. I wonder if he would. I don't know. I always tell him about your podcast and he's always like, oh, is that you talking about

that podcast again? I'm like, yeah. I'm like, we have to use we language and stay connected and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It's true. Because it works. Yeah. It's not that complicated.

It's not rocket science. It's just, it's hard work. Yeah. You know? It is. It's tedious at times. It doesn't have to be, but it can be for sure. Yeah.

All right. Well, keep us posted. We'd love to know what happens. I will. I will for sure. can be for sure. Yeah. All right. Well, keep us posted. We'd love to know what happens. I will. I will for sure. I'll send you an update. All right. Good luck.

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Filing with 100% accuracy and getting your max refund guaranteed. Switch to TurboTax. Make your moves. We'll make them count. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. Experts only available with TurboTax Live. How's it going? Good, Nick. My name is Tracy. I am 25. My boyfriend and I don't have sex, and it is all my fault. Why is it your fault?

So, me and my boyfriend started dating around and it is all my fault. Why is it your fault? So me and my boyfriend started dating around a year and three months ago. Um, it was kind of a rocky start to our sex life. I would say mainly because, uh, he wasn't able to perform the first five times. And then after that performance anxiety, it was definitely performance anxiety but we got through it thought you were so beautiful thank you so much um yeah so that went well after that but this is kind of like more of a medical issue type of thing i got five utis within five months so okay um i was going to doctors constantly. So we kind of had a break there with sex. Um, finally I figured out. And ever since I am like, I guess fearful of that.

And also I'm just like not horny anymore. So I just don't know what the hell is going on. Uh, I mean, I don't know either. I don't, I'm not a doctor. Um,

so basically just to rewind, you, you guys met, he had some little performance anxiety, whatever. I mean, I don't know either. I don't, I'm not a doctor. So basically just to rewind, you guys met, he had some little performance anxiety, whatever. You started having sex and you started getting some UTIs every time you guys would have sex, which. Literally every time. Yeah. I've had that happen. Not to me per se, but I remember, you know, in my twenties, like you'd start hooking up with someone. It's like almost like your bodies have to get used to each other

or something. I don't know. I don't, it's, it's a weird thing, but like that, so that's been figured out. I haven't had one in like probably nine months. So basically, and you've had sex in between. Yes. Um, I basically just take a pill after sex. Everything's good. No more UTIs. I haven't had one. And I guess like, I kind of have a routine for after sex. So it's like I take the pill, go to the bathroom, obviously shower. So it's like a whole routine. And I guess that might be affecting it. But also like, I'm just so attracted to my boyfriend. And whenever he's like initiating sex, I'm like pushing him away. And I hate that I do that. And I don't know what, like what the reason is, because like I said, I'm so extremely attracted to this man. So maybe it's just like the tedious of sex, tediousness of sex. I don't know. Are you guys doing any foreplay when you say you're attracted to him? Are there moments where you're like feeling like sex or you're just like, you just haven't been horny since lately?

like feeling like sex or you're just like, you just haven't been horny since lately. Yeah. I mean, like I definitely have been horny, you know, I have my moments and I will initiate sometimes, but it's not, it's probably like once every two months.

Okay. So that's brief. There's that. Um, I will say, and I have talked to him about this a little bit. There is like really no foreplay. Um,

it's like none. Yeah. I mean, well, that may, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what it's like to no foreplay. It's like none. Yeah. I mean, well, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what it's like to be a woman. But I can only I can only imagine from what I've heard from what it's like to be a woman. And from what I've heard about how women's bodies operate when it comes to like sex i can't imagine the idea of like being a woman being related with a man and just get fucking like railroaded for five minutes uh without any type

of warm-up only for me to have to take a pill have to do some whole routine just so i don't get some sort of fucking infection i mean yeah when you put it like that it's like you know i don't know i'm good yeah i definitely agree with that, it's like, you know, I don't know. I'm good. Yeah, I definitely agree with that. So it's like, am I allowed to get a little bit graphic here? Yeah, you can say whatever you want. Okay, cool. So, like, for example, it was literally like two days ago, I

like, jokingly bent over and he tried to put it in me. And I'm like, I am dry as the winter breeze. Like, we cannot do this right now. Yeah. And it's like. And what did he say?

And he was like laughing. And then he's, you know, trying to make it, you know, lube it up with some saliva. And I'm just like, but I am not even like turned on right now. Like, this is like. So why don't you do try to do some romantic shit with each other? So I guess like in the past past we've done some stuff um but it's like i don't have any motivation to even do that and like i don't even know how to kind of bring it up to him to you know ask him like hey like i mean like i've heard i've listened to your podcast for a while and i know you've kind of like

said things in the past where it's like oh oh, like throughout the day, you know, doing stuff that's going to turn the woman on later. And I'm like, what do I tell him to do? That's going to help, I guess, is my advice. Well, have you talked to him at all about this topic? Like what conversations have you had with him, if any? So yes, I've like sat down and cried to him because i felt like it's my fault and i'm just like hey listen like i'm so sorry i'm just not in the mood because i feel bad like he has needs

just like i have needs so like does your boyfriend have an instagram i won't share it i just want to see i just want to see what this hot non-foreplay guy looks like he's listen he's got that curly head of hair he's a beautiful looking guy um no complaints there i just like don't want to feel like i'm training someone for foreplay why not and if i am well it's like yeah i don't understand that what do you mean i don't want to be telling him what to do because then i feel like that's not going to turn me on it's like i tell him you know this would turn me on but i want wanted to already know that. Cause like I've been dating him for like a year and three months. And like, initially I will say our sex was not bad. We had great sex until the issues arose. And then after the issues are gone, I forgot to mention, I was on medication for migraines

that did kind of hinder my sex drive, but I've been on the off those medications for like six months now. So it's like my sex drive still not being there. I don't know if I want to completely contribute it to no foreplay. Because like the man's great. And I know I hear that all the time on this podcast, like the man's great. But like he really does everything for me. Like I come home to a clean house. He works from home.

So he's always cleaning the house. He takes care of our cat. It was like the love's great, but like, he really does everything for me. Like I come home to a clean house. He works from home. So he's always cleaning the house. He takes care of our cat. It was like the love of my life. So like, he's great in all aspects. So I'm just like, what the hell is going on on my end where I'm just like not wanting to have sex with him. Listen, I just think you're not on the same page. And I think it's what I'm hearing is you're a little stubborn in terms of, you know, the whole classic, like, you should know, I want you to understand where I'm coming from. I want you to anticipate my feelings. I want, you know, which I get it, you know, on some level. Yeah, you want you want them to know. But, you know, how long you guys been dating? A year and three months.

How old are you guys again? How old are you? How old is he? Um, I am 25. He is 24. Okay. So yeah, he's on the younger side. Yeah. Um, so like we moved in together at about, I would say 10 months of dating, which in my mind is like pretty quick. Um, cause I've, you know, in the past wanted to take things slower, but we moved in within 10 months of dating. We hang out, like even before we moved in together, we probably hung out every single day. Um, to the point where like my roommate would get very

annoyed. So like, we never really had any breaks from each other unless he would like go on vacation for like maybe a couple days but besides that like we have been together every day since we met we're basically attached to him okay so listen he's 24 years old i think that's the biggest thing so not a big shocker that he's not mr foreplay it's disappointing i don't know why guys these days are not learning stuff like this or whatever you You just got to teach, coach him up a little bit. Yeah, I guess. Like, I don't even know what to tell him. Okay.

Fair enough. I would just like say, one, you just sit down, you acknowledge it, babe. I know I haven't had, we have, I know our sex life is not where either of us want it to be. Right. You know, and I think you say that, us, you know, it's not like, hey, our sex life is not where either of us want it to be. Right. You know? And I think you say that, us. You know, it's not like, hey, our sex life sucks, you suck, I suck, whatever. It's just like, our sex life isn't where we want it to be. I think you're sexy as hell.

You know? When we do have sex, I love connecting with you. But, like, I've been struggling with my sex drive. But I want to try to get on the same page with you. Right. And I want us to work on this together. You know, make it a week. You know, it's hard for me to just want to have sex when I'm not, you know, warmed up

or whatever. Like, you're not some sort of alien here. You're a woman. Again, what I've learned about women is that they don't just you know you don't get to bend them over and and they are immediately horny you know like you have to seduce and caress and the mood matters and yeah like every once in a while yeah maybe you're you're you can be in the mood and you might instigate it but for the most part even then you need some foreplay right so you could say hey babe i'd like i'd love us to like you know i don't know if you've heard me say like make love without having sex you know but maybe

you say hey babe i want to try something out and like i want you to take the you know but i want us to work on our foreplay yeah and again us and so maybe you buy some lingerie i don't know you don't really need lingerie any honestly underwear will do you light some candles i don't know you both take a bath you get naked i don't fucking know and then you like and i know maybe this is gonna feel awkward or weird but like this is what people do you know and then you caress each other maybe you do some you know rounding some bases but sex. And you get excited without penetration. Specifically, he needs to get you off without you having sex. Yeah.

And make it a challenge. If he's like a guy who loves a good challenge, I want you to try to do this. You know, like this turns me on. Tell him what turns you on. Communicate to him. This is what that turns me on. And if he's a guy who cares about turning you on, he'll do it. Like, hey, I like the sex, but I need both. I need the sprinkles. I need the chocolate sauce. I need everything. I need the whipped cream. I can't just have the ice cream.

I need it all, baby. He's definitely good at things other than sex. Great. Very good. So just say, I need more of that. And I want us to try doing that. And like, because to me, hearing you talk, there's nothing wrong with you. Again, not a doctor. I don't fucking know. But like, my guess is you might be more in the mood every once in a while when you guys are kissing and making out. And then there's some touching. Maybe you guys again, again like take a nice bath together i don't fucking know but there are things you can do to hopefully enjoy this sexual experience you know because it has to be more about like a sexual experience rather than just like having sex definitely i agree with that my so like i agree with the more foreplay and everything my only issue is like i feel like in the past he has tried just recently, like probably a week ago. We were laying on the couch and we started making out. And then I don't know why I just like pushed away from him.

And like it turned me on. But I'm just like, no. And I'm like, why? Why the hell do I keep doing this? Like, like I said, I'm very attracted to him. I love him so much. Like there's nothing like I would never want to leave. Like this is the man I want to marry.

Okay. So why am I pushing him away when what I want? I don't know. I'm not a therapist, but maybe are you in therapy? No, my health insurance starts on February 1st. So, okay. Well, yeah, listen, I don't know. You're in your head about something.

100%. Yeah, I agree. first so okay well yeah listen i don't know you're in your head about something 100 yeah i agree um my my biggest advice to you is just stop psyching yourself out you know uh you're allowed not to be horny at times but all the time is crazy because maybe there's little things you could do to increase your sex drive again maybe you can talk to a medical professional about this yeah um but it's probably more psychological is my guess again not being any trained in anything medical i mean in the past with like my re like my most previous ex like i had a way higher sex drive than him so like it was never like an issue it was more on his end so i'm like these things can be cyclical i think you know yeah it was just like even like that attracted him so it's like now that i'm really attracted to this my current boyfriend i'm like why is it the opposite this is so weird so

i think you're just in your head honestly i think it's yeah know, you guys had a rough start to your sex life. The whole, you know, UTI, I'm sure it was annoying and frustrating for you. Now sex has become a bit of a process, especially when you're done. He's not Mr. Foreplay. So it's like most of the time you have sex. You're just like, what's in it for me other than like a potential infection? And I don't know, maybe you've gotten your, in your head about it and it's okay to not be in the mood, but like, you just got to keep trying, you know? And like, you'll figure it out. I think, I think the big thing is to not

try to psych yourself out and communicate. You know, the good news is, is when I said, have you, how much have you talked to your boyfriend about this? It didn't sound like all that much, you know? And so maybe just talk. Maybe you're stressed out because you feel guilty that you're not having as much sex. I don't know. Maybe you're worried about what he's thinking. Just say, listen, I'm just... All the things you're saying, I think you're so hot. You're so sexy. This is just... Make sure that he's feeling secure and letting him know how you feel about him. And just talk about it more. It's okay. It can be a little awkward. I get it. But like, if you, if he is the man you want to marry, you guys have to start talking

about this stuff. You have to get on the same page. It's okay for both you to say, I'm not in the mood right now. I'm tired. You know, if he's not saying it yet, give it six or seven years, you know you know um but like men often don't want to have sex too sometimes i know like when you're when they're in their early 20s it never feels that way but it can happen and it will happen and he'll have the right to say that without you being deeply offended because you're so used to him being turned on it's you know people are allowed in relationships to to not be turned. And then there are times where you realize that you haven't, you know, sex can be used to just get off and sex can be used as a way to connect and, you know, and then from a

connection standpoint, you guys just sometimes have to take the time and not get stressed out and just be like, you know, instead of, you know, maybe not push them away, just ask to, you know, say like in the future, if I'm not feeling it, is it okay if I, you know, maybe not push them away. Just ask to, you know, say like in the future, if I'm not feeling it, is it okay if I, you know, and the obvious answer is yes, but you know, it just, you know, is it okay to just say, Hey, maybe like, can we try again later? You know, instead of you getting frustrated and him getting frustrated, you get him frustrated yourself and you huff and puff, he takes it personally. He huffs and puffs, you know, you guys get stressed out, but it's too awkward to talk about. So you don't talk about it. You make assumptions. He makes assumptions. You just have to communicate. I really,

you know, I strongly feel that way. I will say this one thing that I actually just remembered about a week and a half ago, we were, you know, fooling around and we went to have sex and like, we were having sex for a good 30 seconds and he just stopped and like laid down and I like was so confused. And I looked at him and I'm like, is something wrong? He's like, no, I'm just not in the mood. And I'm like, we haven't had sex in a month. And like, you've been wanting to have sex. And here we are finally going to have sex. And like you're saying, like sometimes he's not going to be in the mood.

And like you're saying, like sometimes he's not going to be in the mood, but like for him to do that after not having sex for like over a month and wanting to have sex, I was just like kind of taken back. I was like, what, what the hell? And he like, and I kept asking him like, we should communicate about this. Like, what's going on? He's like, no, I just like don't want to have sex right now. So I guess it's, I don't know what your take is on that. I guess I thought it was just like very strange that he wouldn't want to have sex. Are you in your head about that? Like about like, do you think he's doing anything?

No, I mean, I don't want to be my I'm definitely I have to work on my insecurities. But I if he out of everyone, I know he would be the last person to ever cheat. Um, he's really great guys. I don't think that would ever happen. Um, so it was just like weird and like for him not to give a reason. And like, we're very, like, he knows, he knows I'm on this podcast right now. We are very open with communicating. I tell him, he tells me everything. So it was just strange for him not to, I guess, want to have sex. It was weird. It's probably not as weird as you think.

My guess is you're in your head about your sex drive. You're used to him having sex. He doesn't want to have sex this one time. And you're like, again, like, like I kind of just mentioned this earlier, you are used to being the one who's not having sex, who doesn't want to have sex. And you are just used to him always being in the mood. And so one time he wasn't, I don't know, it was weird to you. And then you get in your head about it. You just have to talk about it to him. You guys just needed to be better about

actually talking about intimacy and sex because you're having sex, but a lot of couples don't talk about it. Would he be able, if he called here and I was like, and I was your therapist or whatever, and I was like, how does you turn on your girlfriend? What does she like in bed specifically? Would he be able to answer? Does he know the nuances of what turned you on? I feel like the only thing he would say is like, yeah, she likes being eat out. Like, that's like really. Okay.

And is that is that it? Like, I'm guessing I'm guessing there's kissing on the neck. I'm sure you like that. Sure. I'm sure you like that sure i'm sure you like receiving oral sex but i'm saying if you could you know whatever fantasies you have you have a fantasy with your boyfriend and in this fantasy you are fantasizing all the things you like done to you from a foreplay standpoint from start to beginning the caress i don't know

maybe it's caressing hands maybe it's kissing your neck maybe it's nibbling on your ears maybe it's caressing your i don't fucking know i'm guessing there's a lot of subtleties of things that make you feel good scratching the back i don't know but like do you know what you like maybe is the question and does he know what you like you know yeah that's definitely a good point um i feel like i know several things that I like. I feel like he would probably say what I just said and maybe receiving massage or something like that. I really like it when you kiss my neck. I like it when you place your hands around my neck gently, not choke the shit out of me, but you know what I'm saying? Whatever it is. And you guys need to get on the same page.

You need to figure out what you like. And you guys can experiment with each other. and you can talk about experimenting with each other hey like i i like this i like that i'd like to try this and i didn't really like that you know i liked this if you're gonna spend the rest of your life with this guy you gotta start getting fucking creative you gotta start opening up you gotta start learning about each other i know and like that's my one thought is like, we, you know, like it's usually the beginning of the relationship where you're having the most sex, everything's fresh and new. And I'm like, I never really got to have that with him. And so it's like, I feel like this is all delayed and like, it feels like shit. And I'm like, where do we go from here? But you're right.

I need to communicate with him. Like, I think I'm definitely gonna like sit down with him. Cause usually like, I'll just like mention something and then it's not really it's like oh yeah okay and then it's never really discussed so i think you're right i need to like sit down with him talk to him about this like literally like maybe make a fucking list or something and like figure out what i like figure out you know what he can do to help me um but it's just that i need to you know be motivated to want to have sex so yeah it's just communication yeah definitely you haven't been together that long you're both still pretty young he's younger than you so he's going to be even that much more inexperienced than you especially as a guy you know chances are and you might need to do a little bit more leading than you want you know yeah i i know

you it's like great to find it meet a guy who has it all figured out you know you know if you want a guy who has it all figured out maybe date a little older i'm not saying you should it sounds like you have your guy but you know your your guy is less experienced than a 30 year old would be or a 35 year old-old would be. And even though you could date a 35-year-old, they could be terrible and fucking bad. And just as, you know, they could be set in their ways and uninterested. At least your boyfriend, hopefully him being a relatively young man, can still be open to the idea that he hasn't figured it all out and is open to learn. And he prioritizes, like, I want to be a great lover to my girlfriend i want to get her off i want her to think she's

i'm great in bed and that doesn't just mean how i use my dick and i want you know to feel like i can turn her on and i know how to push all her buttons i know you know i know all the little things that she likes and to do that you have to share that with him or he has to be willing to try right now he's not that creative in bed fine no big deal but you might have to share that with him or he has to be willing to try right now he's not that creative in bed fine no big deal but you might have to guide him and and and vice versa he should he should be communicating to you the things he likes and you should be willing to try it as long as you know you're comfortable and you guys go from there but right now my what i'm hearing is you guys just aren't communicating all that much and you're not talking about things that are slightly awkward.

And you guys are both just hoping the other person can figure it out and assume and not take it personally when they don't want to have sex. And no one's really talking about why. Hey, babe, I just don't want to. And you're like, oh, okay. And then I guess. And then you get frustrated. And there's no other conversations. Yeah.

okay and then i guess and then you get frustrated and no there's no other conversations yeah you know i guess like i'm trying to think of how to approach this because like it's not like we've never communicated about it like i've definitely approached in the past saying like hey like we definitely need to involve more foreplay or else it's not gonna it's gonna hurt and so it's like i have communicated that with him and i guess maybe I should be like more direct. Yeah. But like I've did that with that like so many times. So I guess it's frustrating on my end. And like, you're right. I'm a very stubborn person.

So I got to be better about that and just like sit down with him and talk with him. But I guess my biggest question to you is like, let's say I communicate all this with him. Like everything in our relationship is great besides the sex. Like, what do i do from there like do i sex is important especially to me and listen if i mean if he's refusing to do any of this stuff then i don't know that might be an issue but like let's give him a chance first you know yeah and i mean like actual communication i don't mean like passive aggressive remarks you know and i don't mean like, comments and huffing and puffing of frustrations. I mean like sitting down and just saying, babe, I want us to work on our sex life and I want us to work on our foreplay. And I want

us to learn about each other's like turn ons. And I want us to be more connected you know sexually and i want us to put an effort into it and i want us to have like nights of the week where we really like maybe you light some candles you play some music you don't even have to have sex maybe you just look into each other's eyes and caress each other you know i don't know i'm just saying if this is the shit you care about that's what it takes you know intentional connection you know taking a bath together you know and trying to create a more sexier mood yeah that's definitely something i need to talk to him about also like i feel like every time even if we're just kissing he thinks it's going to lead to sex well which i feel like yeah is it i mean like listen i get it but also i feel like that's also like a younger mindset

like it doesn't always have to lead to sex. But I feel like he feels that way. Well, you know, I mean, I would just use it to your advantage. You can communicate to him. Listen, I want to make out with you. Be happy that every time he makes out with you, he wants to have sex with you. That's one of the worst problems I have. Now, he needs to be respectful and he needs to, to like accept a no and not make you feel bad

about it but use it to your advantage turn him on you know work him up tease him a little bit great you know he he needs to do yeah fuck around with each other in a playful way where you eyes you are teasing each other you know maybe he is maybe he does it to you maybe he like you know caresses you wakes you up in the morning does some shit be open about then he stops you get all turned on and he goes to work and says i'll see you later babe i don't know like try things out try to tease each other try to you know but like these like everything in a relationship these things can take work definitely i agree i'll definitely sit down talk with him about all this stuff um and just and just make it not you know don't it's not

about him you're not attacking him you're not being like you suck at you know like us we let's do this together and if he's resistant to that if he's like this is stupid i want to do this then yeah then there's a bigger problem there and maybe you just might have to be like hey i love you know he's hot he's attractive but like i don't know need him. I want a guy who gives a shit about this. I want a guy who's willing to participate, you know, in our sex life more than just being willing to have sex anytime he just wants to throw it in, so to speak, without actually having like intimacy. Cause that, that's not intimacy.

That's just a guy having sex. You guys, you guys need to work on your intimacy because right now your relationship lacks intimacy even though it's sometimes it occasionally has sex. Because it just starts feeling routine at that point and it's like not even fun. But as always leave with love. Hey babe, I love you. I think you're sexy.

I want to, you know, I know that I have been a bit disconnected when it comes to sex, but it is a prioritized I want us to have a better sex life and I want us to have more intimacy and I want us to work on that. And let's, let's talk about it and let's try things out and let's not get frustrated at each other when,

when something doesn't work out or, and we're trying, you know, we're experimenting and with experimenting comes successes and failures, but experiment with each other and give each other permission to experiment with each other and, and give each other permission to like not be in the mood from time to time. It's not,

it's not the end of the world. All right. All right. Well, keep us posted. We'd love to know how this goes because I'm sure you guys aren't the only ones experiencing this. And even though it seems like such an obvious thing that couples should talk about, it's shocking how many couples don't.

Yeah. I'll give it a couple of weeks, maybe a month and right back to you and see. All right. Let you know how it goes. Yeah. Just be patient, but talk with them and see where it goes. Yeah. Awesome. Thank you so much, Nick. I appreciate it. All right. Take care. Keep us posted. Yep. All right. Bye-bye.

You too. How's it going hi my name is lauren i am 26 years old and i am wondering if physical attraction is necessary in a relationship or if i'm settling i mean yes it's necessary i mean do you do you find your boyfriend to be ugly um well so i just recently matched with a guy on um a dating app and um liked how it was over the app um we've talked back and forth but he's definitely not someone that i would typically go for and in what way like how how far off are we here or like are you like i only have dated brunette men who are 6'2 with certain shoulder sizes and he's not that? Or how specific are your physical preferences and how far off is he? Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't say that I have a particular type per se. It's more of just like,

I don't know if I find him attractive. Um, so nothing particular in that. Have you met him in person yet? Yes, I have. So we, um, he travels a lot for work. So he, um, we FaceTimed at first and then have talked over the phone. And then whenever he came in town, we went out for a date. Everything's been great. We have great connection. Um, I just don't know that i necessarily find him as attractive as i would normal normally like if that makes sense okay well i mean listen is it important yes it matters you know you you should be physically attracted to your partner i think men are a little bit more rigid in their physical preferences. And in my experience,

or from what I've noticed, that women seem to be a little bit more flexible with who they could be physically attracted to. And I think women can grow their physical attraction with men, because I think men can, I think women can fall in love, maybe a little bit more ways than men, you know, I've always heard that, like, you know, there know there's an old saying like men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears in terms of like how what how men communicate with them how they make them feel you know things like that but overall yes it is important you know for you to be physically attracted you just have to ask yourself what other aspects do you like about him uh other other ways that you find him very attractive by how he acts and how he treats you you know things like that but like i guess there's no crime in you

exploring this guy you know and seeing if you can get there yeah that's well that's one of the things that i've struggled with is like i feel like on a connection basis, we match really well. And I just don't know if I've like been single for too long and I'm just wanting something, wanting that connection or if this is something that like could last in the long run. And I just eventually, I don't know, is that settling? No, no. If you continue to date him,

and every time you hang out with him, you learn a little bit more, you build a little bit more rapport, your emotional connection grows, and you fall for him, even though he's not your best physical preference? No, I don't think that's settling. I mean, by definition, we all have to make

some sacrifices. No one's perfect. So no matter who we meet, we're going to learn about things, about people. You're going to learn things. His physical appearance won't be the last thing that you learn about him that makes you go, well, I wish that changed. A lot of things he can change his behavior.

He can work on how he looks is how he looks for the most part. You can give him a little glow up maybe and cut his hair or change his style. But for the most part, he is who he is. So settling, no. And while physical appearance is important, if you want to get married and be with someone forever, as we've all, you know, we all get reminded, looks fade and, you know, things like that. So, no, I don't think you're settling if you meet a guy, love a lot of things about him, continue to hang out with him, continue to enjoy their company, build a connection, build an emotional connection, only, you know, knowing that, you know,

he's not your Brad Pitt or whoever your celebrity crush is. No, I don't think you're settling. I think there are a lot of important aspects of a relationship that go beyond their physical appearance. And I think there's a lot of people who fall for their physical type and stay with their physical type. And I think more people are settling with the person they're physically attracted to than people who aren't, if that makes sense. Because think about it. We all know physical attraction is important, but we also all know that there's a lot more to a connection or relationship than physical attraction. But physical attraction is very easy to see, very easy to trust. It's in

our face. We see it all the time. We can get excited about, you know, someone we find physically attracted, liking us. So I can build a lot of chemistry. But as we get to know these people, sometimes we can find that we have literally nothing in common or they don't treat us the way we want to be treated or, you know, the list can go on. And yet people will stay in those relationships because they're so fucking hot and they don't want to give up on being with someone they find so physically attracted to. And yet there's so many other things they brush under the rug and ignore or look the other way and quote unquote settle because of their physical attraction to someone.

No one ever considers that, but that is settling. Those people are all settling for being unhappy, for being mistreated, for not feeling like a priority, all because they find their partner so fucking hot. And their ego is just like, you do not want to throw this hottie away because your ego will always feel good about being the arm candy or having the arm candy by your side where people are just like, wow, that person's a hot person, or they look good together. those are superficial things that don't really matter. So while yes, physical attraction is important and you have the right to be physically attracted to your partner and that's for you to decide, but settling, you know, we A, all have to settle on some degree

and B, people who are physically attracted to their partners settle a lot more than people who aren't, in my opinion. So I wouldn't get in your head about settling. I would just get to know this guy and then check in with yourself every time you get to know him. And you might realize quickly, it's like this guy, way more friend zone vibes. This guy doesn't do it for me. I'm stressing compatibility all the time over chemistry, but chemistry does matter. I'm just telling people to also consider compatibility. So, well, and I know you talk about your ego a lot. And I know that's a big thing in relationships or in scenarios in general. But how do I get past that or how do I like know when it's my ego or just

like I don't know make a decision based on that well I think you're just saying your head a little too much for one how many dates have you been out with this guy on with this guy in person yeah how many yeah uh five five okay have you hooked up no Haven't hooked up. And have you not hooked up because you haven't really been interested because of your lack of physical attraction or it's just no matter how he looked or whatever, you probably wouldn't have had sex. Like, why haven't you had sex?

That's just not normal for me to hook up that early. Okay. Great. Perfect answer. So it's still early. So, like, I don't know. Just keep hanging out with him. Check in with yourself. Do you want to see him again? Are you curious about him? Have you liked what you've learned so far about him? Yeah, I have. And we've, we've, he travels a lot for work. So we've talked over FaceTime quite a bit. That's like our main, I would say form of communication and all of that is great. It's just a matter of if I can

see myself with him physically. Okay. Well, you don't need an answer right now. That's fair. And listen, you're doing all this mental gymnastics trying to figure out whether you should keep hanging out with him. You have no idea how he feels about you and how he feels about you today might change in a week. All of a sudden, you get a phone call from him or not get a phone call from him. Nowadays, people ghost and shit. And all of a sudden, his behavior changes. The fact that you are questioning how you feel about him makes you feel more powerful between the two of you.

You are not right now worried about how he feels about you because you're questioning how you feel about him and if that were to change yeah if all of a sudden you became aware that he was also questioning how you he felt about you that's where your ego could come in if all of a sudden you caught when i don't know how you could catch when but you caught when that he was questioning how he felt about you maybe it was physical parents maybe it was just something else. I don't fucking know. Immediately, you would worry less about how you feel about him and you would be fixated on proving to him that whatever he's worried about, he doesn't need to worry about. And that's where your ego comes in, especially if that's how you were to handle it. You know, your ego alters how you make decisions.

It alters what you care about. It alters what you care about. It alters what you prioritize. And that's just something you should take into consideration, knowing that it's still early here and you're stressing yourself out a lot because you feel very much in control of this dynamic. Yeah. I just like with it being semi-long distance with him traveling a lot, I just don't really like the idea of wasting anyone's time.

Well, that's kind of dating. You know, you have to. You don't get to date someone for two times. You don't get to go on two dates and know with certainty at all whether it's going to work out with them. Dating requires risks. It requires commitment. It requires time without guarantees that things are going to work out. And. Dating requires risks. It requires commitment. It requires time

without guarantees that things are going to work out. And we have to be willing to do that. And you can be open with him about where you're at. You don't have to be harsh about like, I'm not that physically attracted to you. But you can say, if he checks in and be like, I'm still really enjoying getting to know you, but I'm just not sure where I'm at right now. If he says, well, I know I feel about you and I need an answer from you, then you can decide whether you want to take that risk or not. But you just have to communicate, try to be on the same page as much as you can. You could date for six months and he could break up with you. And it might on some level feel like a waste of time or vice versa, but that's just how it works. All you can try to do is be open,

upfront, and communicate as much as possible, but even that's not perfect. If you guys hang out for six months or any lengthy period of time and one of you ends it, the other person is going to be annoyed, hurt, feel let out, and feel like they waste each other's time. That's part of the gig. Yeah, that makes sense. So if you like them, if you you're enjoying it keep hanging out with them keep checking in with yourself about how you feel but try not to over think it do i like them a little bit more than i did the other last time i hung out with them am i enjoying what i'm learning and then over time does that help with the attraction do you feel like that's a possibility

for me to like grow into attraction i think it's possible and i've heard women do it more like i for me no i'm not someone who has ever like become more physically attracted to someone. And I think that's more typical with men, but I can't speak for everybody. So if you were asking me, I would be like, you know, I don't think my feelings would change all that much, but I know a lot of women who that's different. You know, a lot of stories where it's just like they fell in love with the person more than their physical appearance. But you might be different. You might be more, you might prioritize physical attraction a little bit more than other people. That's also okay. But you know, if you're going to be a little pickier, then you have to be a little bit more

patient. You know, you don't get to be picky without being patient. You can, you're just going to be a lot, you're just going to be very frustrated. Yeah. Patience is tough. Yeah. That makes sense. I feel like maybe I just need that validation of like i'm not i'm not in the wrong for no not thinking he's my type definitely not in the wrong and dating on you know does require people to take a chance on each other without any guarantees of anything working out and that sometimes can feel like a waste of time, but that just comes with the territory. Yeah. All right.

Well, thank you. No problem. Let us know how this plays out, but try to get out of your head a little bit. You know, it's funny. It's contrary to what I always say. It's like, how do you feel about them? You know, I'm always telling people to check in with themselves. Well, get out of your head, you know?

Okay. Okay. You don't have to overanaly over analyze everything but if you're not feeling it you're not feeling it okay you know something is keeping you wanting to get to know him but it shouldn't be guilt and it shouldn't be like well i just want to make sure i'm not superficial so i'm just going to date him because i you know i can be the type of person who doesn't have to you know you also don't get like a a good person prize for dating someone you're not attracted to. So there's really no wrong answer.

So stop judging yourself. Stop thinking, what am I supposed to do? And just go with your instinct. Okay. That was what I needed. Thank you. All right. Well, let us know what you decide.

I will. All right. Thank you so much. Take care. Bye. Bye-bye. Thank you for listening. We'll see you back tomorrow. We got Jess from Love is Blind.

We'll get into the whole, we'll talk about all the stuff, all the good stuff. And on Thursday, Candy Burris is with us for Going Deeper. See you then. Bye.