The Viall Files - E718 Ask Nick with Dr. Phil - He’s Going to Prison, Should We Date

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! This is a special one as we invite Dr. Phil to chime in on your burning questions. Before we get to our callers, Dr. Phil shares his take on modern parenting and the effects of social media on our youth. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller just found out the guy she was talking to has a wife and kids. She wants to reach out to his wife to expose him… is that wrong? Our second caller’s boyfriend is going to prison after several DUIs. She’s accomplished her own sobriety and hasn’t felt like a priority for him in a while. Is her hope worth staying with him? “What are you pretending not to know?” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Find your social sweet spot and visit https://www.betterhelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to https://www.helixsleep.com/VIALL and use HELIXPARTNER20. Vessi - Elevate your spring wardrobe travel with Vessi’s StormBurst shoes. Discover more at https://www.vessi.com/VIALL for 15% off your first purchase. Dipsea - For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial when you go to https://www.dipseastories.com/VIALL Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @drphil @alison.vandam @dereklanerussell @justinkaphillips

you're crazy what's going on everybody welcome back to another special episode of the vile files ask nick edition i am your host we got the household here. Justin and Allie are with us. And we have a very, very special guest today. A guest that quite honestly, since we started this Ask Nick segment, I thought it'd be really fun and cool to have this person on. He's a legendary TV personality and an expert in all things kind of relationship and dating. The one and only Dr. Phil is with us today. Dr. Phil, welcome to the show. Very excited to have you.

Proud to be here. You got a pretty cool setup, I got to say. I appreciate it. Yeah, we put this together ourselves a couple years ago. It used to be some sort of finance office. Yeah, well, it's very intimate. It's like you're sitting in a living room. Yeah, that was kind of the goal.

We're trying to create a kind of create a comfortable setting for our guests. But congratulations on everything you've done. And you have a new book out. Congratulations on that. I do. It's called We've Got Issues and How You Can Stand Strong for America's Soul and Sanity. And, you know, when I say we've got issues, I mean, we, everybody, all of us do. And of course, that's true. But I think right now, I believe that any society, any culture is as strong as the families that it's built on. I think they're the backbone of any society. And I think right now, family is under attack in America. Some of it is just unintended consequences of progress. And some of it, I think, is targeted. Some of it,

I think, is on purpose. I think we've got to make a decision that we're going to really focus on family, focus on being who we are on purpose, Focus on the kind of things that we think are important to make this country as successful as it can be. And I really went that direction because the questions that I get, I know you take questions too. We're going to take a few later on. The questions that I get have really changed across time. I've been on for over two decades, and you can imagine how the questions have changed because how much technology has changed, the pace of life has changed.

And now people are asking a lot of psychosocial questions. They're psychological, but they're also social. They involve the collective personality of the family and sometimes the community and all. So that's what I'm talking about in the book. When it comes to the family, what do you think are some of the biggest challenges that the family dynamic are facing in today's society? Well, I think there's several, but one is the pace of life right now. I mean, we're much different than it was 20 years ago. And it's predicted now that the change we'll face over the next 15 years will be more change

than we have faced in the last 400 years. That all that's going face over the next 15 years will be more change than we have faced in the last 400 years. That all that's going to be compressed into 15 years. And I think when 08, 09 rolled around, it was like big C-130s flew over the nation and dropped smartphones on everybody. And that was as big a change as we've seen since the industrial revolution of which there have really actually been four, but I think it really changed everything. Think about it. You know, everybody was walking around and kind of looking around. And then all of a sudden everybody started looking down at their phones. And now on average, people check their phones 352 times a day. That's crazy. And it's almost embarrassing to hear you say that because every, every Sunday I get a notification of how many hours per day I'm on my phone. And I do a lot of work and business on it, but yes, I feel the effects myself and it is concerning. phone so much. But the problem that it created for families is about that time when kids really

started getting on those phones, they sort of stopped living their lives and started watching other people live their lives. And they compared themselves to the ones they were watching, not realizing those lives were fictional. Those weren't real. Those influencers or whatever they called them back then weren't doing all the cool things, all of the affluent things, all the exciting things that they said they were doing. That's just created for the phone. Or it was just cherry-picked parts of their life. Of course. And I've had influencers on the show that said, you know, I would go on and make a video and I had all these cool clothes and stuff. I said, well, I'm getting ready to go

out to the NBA All-Star Game tonight. And they'd shoot this video. Should I wear this or this? I said, as soon as it was over, they confessed. They carefully took those clothes off because they had to be returned because they didn't own them. Quite a Fordham. They weren't going to the NBA All-Star Game.

They were going to put on their sweats and get back on the couch, maybe watch it on TV or the internet, but the kids don't realize that. And so we saw the biggest spike in depression, anxiety, loneliness, suicidal ideation, suicidality, since records had started being kept. As soon as those phones came out, we saw a huge spike in just really personal dissatisfaction among young people. And it's continued to get worse and worse. Then COVID hit and really spiked it even worse. So you see a family out for dinner for four people, three of them will be on their phones. You know, they're not really engaging and talking. And so, you know, there's a lot going on in that regard. And there's a lot going on with just people trying to, I call it the tyranny of the friends, trying to hijack the narrative in America with changing the language we can use, coming up with new language you're supposed to use.

Even in the justice system. Now, a lot of these departments don't refer to people as felons. They call them justice-involved persons. They're not felons. Your family member wasn't murdered. They intersected with a justice-involved person. And that's not a joke. That's serious. Universities don't have admissions offices anymore because it implies someone would be rejected and that could hurt their feelings. So they now have Office of Enrollment Management. Really? That's crazy. I mean, get over yourself. I mean, we're heading in the wrong direction and somebody needs to call that out and push back on it. So I guess I'm one of those people. Yeah. And I feel like, and thank you for saying that,

because to me, I'm always like afraid of the radicals and it doesn't matter which side, you know, it's like, you see crazy thoughts on one side of the aisle, crazy thoughts on the other. And I feel like there's no, you know, people always refer to the silent majority, so to speak. And I feel like you are, are speaking for that group of people because it is, you know, even going back to the phone conversation, I was having a conversation with a friend last night who has a small business and they were admitting to me that they go online and constantly are searching for commentary about

their business. And I said to them, you have no idea how much that is affecting your psyche without even knowing, or it's affecting your creativity as a creator. They're in the creative space, you know? So now they're getting feedback from, they don't even know if these people are real or what their expertise is. And it's just amazing. I don't think we have any idea, like the access we now have to other people's opinions that we shouldn't even have access to and how that affects our psychological mindset and how we go about our way of life and things like that. Fortunately, I've never been one that was afflicted with the need to be loved by strangers, which has come in really handy in my career

because I kind of speak right out. And when I did a town hall meeting in New York City yesterday, and I was asking people, they understand what bots are. And they said, yeah, we know, phony accounts. I said, when somebody deploys bots to drive opinion on something, these bot farms, how many of you think they have the ability to put into the mix on a social media platform? And they're saying, you know,, probably if they're really serious, five, 10,000, it's millions. I mean, some of these people have bought farms with millions and millions of fake accounts that they've built up across 10, 12, 15 years. And so they don't look like fake accounts. You know, if you see an account that has zero followers and they're

following three. Yeah. You know, it's fake an account that has zero followers and they're following three. Yeah, you know it's fake. And then, you know, they've drummed this up to get on there. And I've had people tell me to go jump in the lake, shut up. And if you'll follow that a little bit, they said that to 10 celebrities all on the same day. They just picked 10 people high profile and tell them all the same thing. And, you know, some people take that to heart. I mean, they really do. And our young people really take it to heart. We've had cyber bullying and kids that take their own

life because of this and all of these predators online. So it's, it's changed a lot. So, uh, the internet has changed things a bunch, but there's more to it than that. We've got to get involved with each other and stop arguing and start trying to solve problems. And there's a big difference. That's not just semantics. There's a big difference between trying to win an argument and actually trying to solve a problem.

Absolutely. Big difference. And we got a lot of right fighters out there that want to get up in each other's face and argue, but they're not willing to really sit down and say, okay, let's work together and see how we can come up with something we can both live with. We need more of that and less of the other. If you could invoke change, how would you start that or suggest that we do that? and invoke change, how would you start that or suggest that we do that?

Well, we need to get rid of this mentality of cancel culture and weaponizing the things that are used to ruin people's lives. You know, people say stupid stuff. I mean, come on. I see, and it's not just in the celebrity world, which gets all the attention. There are people that work for companies, work at factories, work for retailers. And somebody will decide they're not okay, and they'll start going back and looking at their social media posts for the last 10 years or 12 years. They'll find something they said when they were a teenager, when their brain wasn't fully developed yet. And they'll pull that up and send it in and try to get them fired. And we've had more university professors suspended, disciplined, or fired in the last several years than we've had since the McCarthy era when there was the red scare about everybody being a communist. Yeah, there's a lot of similarities between, you know, people accusing people of being communist in the McCarthy era to what the society is today. It's very scary in that regard.

It is. And I reference in the book, we've got issues, I reference George Orwell's 1984. And I don't know if you've ever read it, but, you know, they talk about this country, Oceania, and they talk about how they had the language police and how if somebody got a foul of what was approved by the government, they would be unpersoned.

Well, that's just what we call canceled. And I just am really scared. That was written in 1948, by the way. How prophetic was that? And I watch what's happening on university campuses now where the goal being taught is we're striving for equality of outcome. To me, that's absurd. You want to strive for equality of opportunity? Great. I'll work with you side by side. We'll try to get everybody on a level playing field. But you're not ever going to have a quality of outcome because you're never going to have a

quality of input. You got one guy sitting home in a beanbag eating Cheetos all day, and you got another guy at work and his butt off. Another woman that gets up, gets her kids off to school, goes to work, dah, dah, dah, dah. You're not going to have the same outcome because you have different qualities of input, But yet, that's what they're teaching. As far as, you know, what is going on in our country and just our society in general, specifically around dating relationships, you know, this is something we focus here on this show. I don't know if you know this, but my fiancé just gave birth to our first daughter a month ago, so I'm a new dad.

Congratulations. Thank you very much. And I've already started thinking about, you know, parenting techniques or what I want to, how I want to raise her, you know, when she grows up and starts dating, you know, I, I have the opportunity to talk to a lot of daters out there and people trying to find love in relationships or people in relationships. And now more than ever, it feels like people are super lonely, disconnected, having a harder and harder time finding love and relationships. With the things that are concerning you, how do you think that affects interpersonal relationships and the family dynamic? Because it does seem like people like never before are just having a hard

time finding someone finding their person finding relationships uh and and from your lens what do you think are some of the major problems or causes of that well i could talk about this until sometime this time next week without taking a breath uh which i won't do uh but I can tell you that young people today aren't developing the preliminary skills for relationship development, which is why you see some of these young people that go from zero to a hundred just snap like that. They didn't go through the phases of emotional maturing that you, at least I went through when I was growing up. And I don't know how old you are, but I got a feeling it's a long way from me. 43. Yeah.

Well, you probably went through some of this then. But when we were 12, 13, my mom will take, your mom will pick up, you have puppy love, you go to dances together, you kind of have group dates where not really dating, but there's a group of girls, group of guys, they get together, they kind of pair off. You get your heart sort of broken a little bit, and then you kind of grow into it some more. You learn to develop some skills, what relationships are all about, giving, taking, and

respecting the other person and all. Those skills aren't being developed now because everybody's living a virtual life. And so we don't have that ability as naturally as we did at one time. And I think we need to really get back to that. We need to really get back to learning something about the other person in the real world. The average young person now has less than one friend, one real friend, um, which is terrible.

And so I think it's really important to focus on, you know, kids getting involved in as much as possible. I think team sports are great. I think choir is great. I think anything that's group-oriented where people learn to work in concert with somebody else and have shared goals and shared effort and stuff really helps build those relationship skills so they can use them when it comes time to get into a one-on-one relationship. You've got to have those skills. You can't get them off the internet. You got to practice them and have lived experiences, which we're just not

getting enough of. Yeah. And just opportunities for your child to demonstrate resiliency and things like that. And talking about made up words, you know, we, it seems like nowadays, you know, you get into a relationship and listen, if you get your heart broken, you're going to have strong feelings. You might feel anger or even hate towards that person. But nowadays when people have relationships and immediately they're using words like I was gas lit by a narcissist who, you know, yada, yada, yada. And it's like, I don't know, maybe they just, you know, yeah, maybe they were selfish or maybe they did X, Y, or Z. And maybe they don't like you anymore. But maybe they're not an evil sociopath, you know.

But it seems like that's the language we are teaching people to use. It is because it makes them comfortable in the victim role where it doesn't have to be that anybody's a victim hey it didn't work out move on yeah you know that's why you go through these um that's why and this will seem kind of dark but it's why it's good for a child to have a goldfish and they come home and it's belly up okay that's not the end of the world but it prepares them for then maybe a pet dying and then a grandparent or just conversations teachable moments exactly where they have the opportunity to learn uh so it doesn't hit them so hard when it's somebody that's really close to them you have to kind of shape yourself into these things and i i just think think if we realize that young people learn about themselves by

watching what they do in their lives, they watch and say, well, I overcame that obstacle. I mastered that challenge. So I can attribute to myself the ability to do that. I've had parents say to me, you know, my child is four years old and we've never spent the night apart. And I think, well, you are an idiot because you need a break, number one. And number two, that child needs to learn that, hey, mom and dad go away and they come back. go away and they come back. So I don't have to freak every time they're out of sight. They need to recognize mom and dad went away for a couple of nights and they came back and by the afternoon, everything was back to normal. So they learn that I don't have to be clinging to their leg all the time. They get some independence. That's very important, but it's a lived experience that a lot of parents take pride in, like,

oh, I've never been out of the room. I've never been outside of my child. Yeah, that's not necessarily a good thing. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. It's never been easier to jump into therapy than with BetterHelp. Therapy can be scary. It can be cost prohibitive. It can be inconvenient. But when it comes to better help, they are helping you in all those areas to break down those excuses, to not jump into therapy. Therapy is a great way

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It's a damp country. It's a wet country. It's almost always raining there. It's like that in Seattle. Well, there you go, Vessi and Ireland. There's a match made in heaven. They don't call me the best matchmaker in the business for no reason. Elevate your spring wardrobe travel with Vessi's Storm Burst Shoes. Discover

more at Vessi.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Get your pair today to get an automatic 15% off your first purchase at checkout and be ready to step outside in style, rain or shine. Again, to get an automatic 15% off your first purchase, go to Vessi.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's Vessi.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Do you think the internet or technology have made us just more aware of the risk? Because you talked about when I was growing up, I would ride my bike a couple miles to my friend's house. I would spend all day playing games and sports outside and then I'd ride my bike a couple miles to my friend's house. You know, I would spend all day playing games and sports outside, and then I'd ride my bike home.

And there were dangerous people back then, you know, who were predators of children, and they unfortunately still exist. But nowadays, it seems like no parent would ever let their kid have the independence of, you know, like you kind of suggested, going to go out on their own and live some life because it's like we're so aware of all the risks or anything that can happen that we're almost afraid of doing anything. So we do nothing instead. Yeah. And look, I don't think we need to raise children like free range chickens. On the other hand, if you never let your child do anything, I promise you they're going to be hurt.

If you let them get out and experience life, maybe they would get hurt, maybe they don't. But I'm not saying be reckless about it, but you do need to assess your child's competencies. And how many times did you ride your bike two miles to your friend's house and come back? And your parents saw you demonstrate the ability to do that. You saw yourself do it. So you say, okay, he can handle that. And the best way you can protect your child, and parents hear me when I say this, the best way you can protect your child And parents, hear me when I say this, the best way you can protect your child is to teach them to self-protect because you can't be there all the time. You can't watch them 24-7.

And the first time you look away, you know, that's when something may happen. But they're with themselves 24-7. You teach them to self-protect. Same way with your kids. When they get in relationships, you teach them to protect themselves emotionally by not over-investing by not doing certain things that lead to harm. And it's, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with internet dating. I really don't. I think it's's better than the alternative because you get a chance to investigate a little bit. But I always tell them, if you meet this person, meet them in public, have a friend, set up a phone line, a phone contact.

Zoom date. Yeah, something like that where you can actually check them out. And if they don't check out, then you should check out. There's a smart way and a dumb way to do a lot of this stuff. And sometimes we're so naive because of a lack of experience that we don't do it the smart way. But we can do it. Technology's great if we use it right. It's when we don't that it's a problem.

Well, you make me feel good as a young father because I said on the show last week that, you know, other than like giving my daughter love, the single thing I want to do the most is simply just teach her how to make decisions for herself and solve problems. Because as much as I want to be there for her forever, I'm not always going to be there. And if I just simply teach her how to solve problems, protect herself, like you said, you know, I'll have done my job. So thanks for that vote of confidence. Well, I can tell you that with your relationship with your daughter and you loving her and making her feel special and her having that interaction with a male power figure, the first old boy that blows in her ear when she's 14 and says, oh, I just

think you're just a princess. Yeah, I know. I know. My dad's been telling me that for a long time. So you're not going to sweep me off the feet, my feet telling me that. What else you got? And I mean that not jokingly. It's these kids who don't have, daughters who don't have great relationships with their father who are hungry for male attention that are vulnerable to somebody that might exploit them.

But if they got a dad who just makes them feel totally special, totally value, teaches them to value themselves, they're not going to get exploited by some male that's just trying to take advantage of them. Yeah. Well, Dr. Phil, I could go on and's just trying to take advantage of them. Yeah. Well, Dr. Phil, I could go on and on and talk to you about this stuff, but I know we have some callers who would love to get your insight and help with solving their problems. But before we get to our callers, please, guys, check out Dr. Phil's book, We've Got Issues, wherever books are sold. Am I guessing there's an audio book out there if they want to listen to you? Oh, there's every form. There's an audio book out there. There's Kindle book out there, e-book,

every way you can get it. And you can get it at Amazon or have it delivered the next day or at your local bookstore. It's everywhere and it's going like wildfire. Awesome. Well, congratulations on that. And I couldn't agree more that our society needs a bit of a wake-up call and thank you for doing your part. Well, it's time to get to our callers. Before we do, don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all of your questions, texting office hours, ask Nick. You know the drill. Let's get to our first caller. What's your diary, Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions.

How's it going? Hey, Nick. I am Natalie. I'm 25. And the guy that I have been seeing just found out that he's married and hasn't even been using his real name. Okay. How did you find out? So we actually were having a little facetime call last week and he was like talking with his hands and he has a ring on his finger so i was like kind of weird

i didn't say anything at first and then like five minutes later i brought it up and i'm like i like your ring by the way he's like oh you know i'm trying to wear more jewelry i'm like huh i've never seen you wear jewelry in like, you know, the past five, six months that I've known you. So he kind of just brushed it off. Um, but I, I couldn't stop thinking about it, obviously. And then I started making some little jokes here and there. Cause he started telling me that he was thinking about moving to Florida in the next couple of months. So I said, Oh yes, you can be with your wife and kids. Right. And he kind of just brushed it off again.

So the next day I could not stop thinking about it. I texted my sister and my brother-in-law and I asked them like what we could do about this. I gave them his number and the photo that I found through his WhatsApp because I also started doing a little bit of investigating. Were you communicating? Like 10 minutes later. Were you communicating with him through WhatsApp? No, I wasn't. Okay.

You just discovered that he had one. But I kind of was like, let me see where else our, you know, phone number has connected us. Sure. So that's where I found a photo. I sent it to my brother in law and my sister. And like literally 15 minutes later, he texted me back and he's like, well, that's not his name. How long have you been hanging out with this guy? Five months. Five months. Okay. Five months. And like, what, what was your relationship status as, you know,

from your point of view? Oh, it was definitely just like the beginning stages of, you know, going out, spending time together. He would come by. It was very, very new, very slow. Yeah. I'm assuming you guys were intimate. Yes. Okay. I mean, other than what makes this even worse, other than like just simply ending it and moving on, like, what are you struggling with or what is your dilemma? I mean, obviously it must be hard to find this out, but other than just ending this and moving on, you know, what are you struggling with the most? Well, obviously the bitter part of me is like, oh, this guy, you know, I want to expose him and

tell his wife and, you know, go crazy on him. But a lot of the advice I've been getting is like, you know, maybe don't do that maybe kind of just end it um but don't tell him that i know a lot of people have been saying don't tell him that i know why but i kind of want him to know that i know well you've kind of already have suggested right have you spoken with him since you found out? I have not. So my thing is I'm thinking maybe he is like, all right, she's catching on. I'm just going to, you know, let it go. And I guess like ghost or whatever. Dr.

Ville, do you have any questions for her or insight in her dilemma? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. You know, nobody does anything without a payoff. Right. Yeah, I do. You know, nobody does anything without a payoff, right? Right. And so my question for you is if you contact his wife or call his wife and tell him this, what's your payoff? What are you getting out of it? I think it's definitely just the, you know, the little ego boost of like, ha, I exposed you.

I got you, you know, but it's definitely not. Would you say, are you trying to hurt him or help her more? A hundred percent. It would be to hurt him, but I've also been cheated on. So I'm also on the side of like, I would have wanted to have been told. It's just a really tricky situation. No, it's not. It's not a tricky situation at all.

just a really tricky situation. No, it's not. It's not a tricky situation at all. You either want to get yourself involved in some drama so you can live this out some more and be the victim and tell everybody what you've been through and get her involved. And she will not thank you, by the way. Oh, no, definitely. She definitely will not thank you. He will not thank you. You will start what Dr. James Kimmel calls a revenge loop. You will now be on his hit list to get even with you because he will then see himself as the victim. Look what you've done to him.

You've intruded on his marriage. And in his distorted, delusional way of looking at things, he'll decide he's a victim and he needs to get even. And I know you'll get, I guess, some kind of adrenaline rush or something out of doing this, but she's not going to thank you. He's not going to thank you. And when it's done, you're just going to have had a little brief high of creating a drama in your own life.

And that's not going to make you very happy. I strongly suggest you do an autopsy on this relationship and say, okay, the only person I control is me. So what did I do that I could do different the next time? It doesn't mean you're at fault. I mean, clearly you're dealing with somebody that's a sociopath at least. And I'm sorry that you ran into something like that, but you don't have to blame yourself to learn from it, right? This isn't about victim blaming. There's no blame involved here. Blame means intent. There's a difference between blame and responsibility.

Blame is when somebody does something with intent. Responsibility is just saying, well, okay, I was involved in this, so what did I miss? What could I do different? Because I don't want to be back in this situation again. You said you've been cheated on before. Now you've been cheated on again. So break it down, do an autopsy and say, what did I not do that I could do differently? And trust me, I kid you not, this is not victim-blame. You clearly are the victim of a sociopath here. This isn't about victim-blaming. It's about empowering yourself. Say, what can I do better? Because I'll be damned if they're going to get me again.

I'm going to figure it out. Did I miss something? And if I didn't, I'm just going to figure out what I can do that I haven't been doing so this doesn't happen to me again. But listen, trust me, he's going to get what's coming to him. She, she may already know, uh, this may not be the first time he's done this probably isn't. Uh, and you're better off to just say, look, got burned moving on, but do it where you learn something

where you don't let it happen to you again. And that's not even the right word. It isn't let it happen to you. Just do it where you make certain that you're fortified, where you keep these guys out of your space. Reduce the chances it could happen again. I'm curious to Dr. So's point, when you think back in this five months relationship,

there must have been moments or inconsistencies in his behavior that you accepted, or maybe your gut tell you something was going on, but you're like, oh, I don't want to be paranoid or I don't want to doubt him. When you think about that, you're nodding your head. Yes. I'm assuming many moments come to mind. Yeah. So it was a constant like, oh, I have to leave by this specific time. And I always, you know, played it down to, okay, you know, he's got like a 30, 40 minute drive. That makes sense.

Or, you know, he, you know, says he's got to take care of like the tenants, you know, water heater, whatever. Like, yeah, that makes sense. Okay. He's very busy. You know, he does a lot of, he dabbles in a lot of different things. Like he's told me, but obviously now looking back at it, you know, it's like, well, no wonder he had to get, get home to his wife. So it sounds like there are a lot of instances that didn't add up that you either asked yourself or asked him. And he always had some sort of explanation,

but like in most of these relationships, people don't have to constantly explain their behavior. You either asked yourself or asked him, and he always had some sort of explanation. But in most of these relationships, people don't have to constantly explain their behavior. Right. Definitely. Listen, don't beat yourself up over this. Some of these guys are really good at this. I deal with a lot of these romance scams and stuff, and these guys are pros, man. Yeah. are pros, man. And this, this guy may be really good at this and, uh, it's maybe something that'll save you from horrible heartbreak down the road. But, you know, like I say, do an autopsy,

go back and find out, you know, what can I learn from this? But I would highly recommend against getting involved in the drama of it all that'll pull you down into the mud you roll with pigs you're going to get muddy and the pig likes it so you don't want to do that you just want to move on and and and you know take a lesson learn and move ahead yeah definitely thank you um to your point i you know it's hard because i felt like I was finally doing my little vetting process, but I definitely agree. There definitely has to be a couple more steps in there to figuring someone out. Raise the bar. Make an hour.

Take a DNA test on them. Hold them. I can't. i just might now but you you're going to learn obviously something from this and you're still a very young person you know it often takes us much longer than we want to to find our person and and there's a lot of tough lessons along the way but to dr phil's point you will if you're willing to learn from it you'll become more resilient you'll be able to trust yourself more, not less, especially if you're willing to reflect on the things that, you know, deep down, maybe you looked the other way

and just get more comfortable asking those questions. And when someone is, you know, when you have to think to yourself, I guess that makes sense. And you say that to yourself a lot, then, you know, maybe, you know, to, a lot then you know maybe you know to right you know look a little deeper yeah and here's the thing the victory for you is the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for five months is being in a bad relationship for five months in one day and you're you're out get out you're out stay Stay out. Move on. Definitely. Can I ask your advice then if he does reach out? Well, how can he reach out if you block him on every platform possible?

Well, I haven't yet. No, I know. But obviously, that's definitely, definitely should be my next move. That was my answer. Just decide. You don't have any unfinished emotional business here. Just decide. You don't have any unfinished emotional business here. Just decide. I don't have any unfinished emotional business here. I don't need closure on anything.

I don't need venting. Just unplug, block his happy ass, and move on. If you choose not to block on every platform you are aware that he can get a hold of you, then that would be a choice you're making to not say no to the drama that Dr. Phil's referring to. And then that would be some of the behavior that maybe has led you to these types of relationships, you know? So that's just, you know, your first lesson can be, you know, the awareness that I need to block this guy because like Dr. Phil said, you don't need the closure. You don't, you know, you have the answer you know, the awareness that I need to block this guy because like Dr. Phil said, you don't need the closure. You don't, you know, you, you have the answer you need, you know who he is now.

And now you just need to protect yourself and move on. Yeah, definitely. Thank you. Okay. All right. Thank you. All right. Well, appreciate your time. Check in with us down the road, give us an update to see how and if you followed our advice and we'll go from there. Thanks y'all. Thanks for your time. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Baby.

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slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Good. My name is Sarah and I'm 34. And my question was, my boyfriend's going to prison and I'm not sure if I should stay with him. Okay. First, maybe the most important question, what is he going to prison for? Um, sorry, I'm really nervous. That's okay. Take a breath. He is, uh, it is a DUI. Okay. Okay.

How long have you been with him? Two and a half years. And just off the top of your head, I'm sure you've thought a lot about pros and cons. What are the reasons for you to want to stay in this relationship? What are you getting out of it emotionally? And other than the fact that he is going to prison, uh, how long is he going to prison for, by the way? Um, hopefully two years, but it's, uh, it can be two to 15. Okay. In addition to his incarceration, have you used this time to evaluate other aspects of this relationship that maybe weren't serving you? Yeah, absolutely. I think I put in my email. The relationship has become very distant. Even while he was fighting his case, he just became very detached because he does have a really good job. It takes up a lot of his time. And I just felt kind of like put to the wayside, I guess.

Can I jump in here? Yeah, please. This is Dr. Phil. Can I ask you a couple questions? Of course. What else is going on here? Because he's not going to prison for two to 15 years for ADUI. No, it's one of a few

it's it's happened before like how many um three i believe yeah and was anyone seriously injured or killed no no no one's ever been injured or killed no okay so he has three duis and they're sending him to prison for two to 15 years um yeah this would be the third yeah the conviction yeah well good good for them uh because he has no right to get on public roads in a three four five thousand dollar rocket impaired and drive up and down the street with all the rest of us walking around out there with families and children and that sort of thing. So if he didn't learn after the first time or the second time, and now it's the third time, then he's exactly where he should be, uh, where he can't do that.

Uh, but he's apparently got a serious problem. Uh, has he gotten help for it? Yes, he has. How many times has he been to rehab? Um, I, I am not actually sure about that. Um, we're, we're both sober. Um, I was sober for longer when I met him. Um, I, I wasn't, I wasn't exactly privy to the information that he hadn't been sober very long when I met him originally. Yeah. So you found out maybe some lies that he shared with you when you first met? Yeah.

I called them lies because it was withholding the truth. Yeah. Sound like lies to me. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What are you pretending not to know? What do you, what do you, can you rephrase that?

Sorry. No. What do you mean? No, I won't rephrase that sorry no what do you mean no i won't rephrase it just i'll let you answer what are you pretending not to know um i guess maybe that i that it isn't going to work out i mean really i mean he's gotten distant, so the relationship's not working when he is sober. He's gotten a DUI for the third time. He's not responding to treatment. He's in prison for two to 15 years. Pretty high-risk candidate, wouldn't you think? If you were picking a mate and you were filling out a resume would

you put on there okay i'm looking for somebody with three duis some prison time uh i want him to not pay attention to me not meet my emotional needs uh be unpredictable focus on his job instead of me would those things be on the resume of who you would recruit as your life partner? No, they wouldn't. I think empathy kind of blinded me, and I also have a lot of personal issues as well. So I think I was and still am just empathetic towards the situation i mean i work in in this field with a lot of men and women who have issues with this and they're all just trying to do their best so i i think i just maybe was blinded by that yeah and if this was the only issue and he was leaning into treatment and showing remorse and everything else in the relationship worked great, you would be able to predict a different future.

But what future do you, I mean, the best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. So what do you predict here? I mean, I know what I hope, but I don't know what to predict. Yeah, I do agree with you that history tends to repeat itself, but I would hope that that really wouldn't happen in this case. Hope's a dangerous thing to rely on, but back to rephrasing what Dr. Phil is suggesting, rephrasing doc you know like what dr phil is suggesting like you're not calling in and saying hey listen you know my my partner's had his third dui but you know he's really been showing up for the relationship i feel like you know our relationship is great i feel seen and heard and it seems to be really a wake-up call to him and he's boy he's a different person even then

there would be some risk because you don't know if he could relapse, but that's not happening, you know? And, uh, no, he shows up in other areas of his life. I think the relationship is just the thing that's fallen to the wayside. Yeah. Well, if you're in the field and you know that people tend to get and stay sober, usually on about the seventh time around the track, not the first or second or third. about the seventh time around the track, not the first or second or third. Correct. Correct. So you're on three here, which means you got like four.

If we're just looking at averages, you got about four more laps around the track to go. And I just wonder if you should really require more for yourself because you seem like a very intelligent woman. You seem like you've uh got a career that you're working on you seem very sincere about it i'm just wondering if you want to be careful about uh confusing empathy with enabling and yeah yeah i agree i just wonder if you deserve better than what you're requiring. You just seem to me like really sharp and seem like somebody that deserves a lot better than you're getting.

Well, thank you. I don't always think that. Is there a fear that you have internally that if you break up with him for what he's done know, a future partner won't accept you for whatever faults that you might have? Absolutely. Yeah. I do think a lot of the issues I have are very, they would be a deterrent in a lot of relationships. I think I was excited that someone loved me and accepted me for who I was. Now, when you look at you and your current partner, loved me and accepted me for who I was. Now, when you look at you and your current partner,

do you think there are differences in your behaviors and actions versus his and how you've gone about overcoming some of your past mistakes? Yeah, I got sober when I was 26 because I knew that the people who were supporting me at the time, eventually I would burn those bridges and they might love me, but they wouldn't be able to be around me. And I'm glad I came to that conclusion pretty early in my drinking career. But not everyone does. I just feel like, not everyone does, but I just feel like as humans, regardless of our mistakes, we've all made them. And I think we all have a fear of not being accepted. But I think we, the people who are actually willing to change their behaviors and learn from their mistakes, I think people value that more than anything. you're going about your life versus your partners. And there's a big disconnect there, you know, to Dr. Phil's point, you know, he seems to be still going through this healing process and,

and maybe you're, you're, you as well, but you seem further along and more focused on learning from your mistakes and he doesn't, and you don't seem to be on the same level, same playing field. And his actions as a, as a partner are a reflection of that. So while I empathize with your fear, I think you can feel, maybe have the confidence that, you know, maybe not everyone will accept your past, but I think a lot of people appreciate the work you've put in to being the person you are today. And I think more people will accept that rather than reject your past. You know, not everyone, but if I were in your shoes, I would focus on that. Everyone's got their secrets. Everyone's got their,

you know, mistakes they've made. You know, some of us learn and some of us don't. Yeah, that's true. So how are you feeling now? Where, you know, based on what we've said, what does your instincts tell you about what direction you maybe should take this relationship? Um, I'm, I, I think it is, I mean, there, there's still hope, I guess, but logically, no, I mean, yeah, if I look at, if I look at the history and I, and I'm actually logical about it, um, then I probably could find someone more suitable for me. Absolutely. Well, I always say that hope in a relationship is a sign of the things that you don't have

in the relationship rather than the things that you do have in the relationship. So the fact that you have, you keep saying the word hope, you know, and I think that's calling out what your relationship is missing. And it's better to have hope when you're single, you know, hopeful to find your person. But when you're hoping that your partner does changes this or changes that, or you're hoping that, you know, oh, you know, if I do this, I mean, I hope this, you know, that's everything you're hoping for is you telling yourself, you know, this is what I don't have. This is what I'm not getting. This is what I'm not receiving. and so maybe kind of that question Dr. Phil asked what are you pretending not to know all your hope is I think maybe deep down all those things you're pretending not to acknowledge that you're not

getting in this relationship yeah I think I'm probably not acknowledging that I'm pretty far down on the list of importance yeah well you got a lot of things going for you. You're doing the work. You have a lot to be proud of and, you know, try to acknowledge that for yourself and give yourself credit, you know, because obviously breakups are hard and it sounds like this person and this situation is bringing you down and very heavy on your heart. And I can't help but wonder if you say goodbye to it, you might be freed up a lot emotionally and be better for it. Yeah, I tend to agree. Yeah.

All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful. Keep us posted on what you decide to do. We'd love an update down the road. Okay. Okay. We'll take care. All right.

Thank you. Thank you. Best to you. Well, Dr. Phil, I want to thank you very much for your time this has been a real pleasure and a lot of fun for me personally uh getting to hear you offer advice and your wisdom it's uh always uh it was always fun to listen to your knowledge well i'm obviously uh more straightforward about these things but uh we uh we the people are used to that on this show so they love uh the honest feedback yeah that's a very sharp woman right there that's obviously putting in a lot of work she's selling

herself short and uh i think she's found somebody that would accept her and thinks that's probably the one person in the world that will and that is not right yeah I mean, that is one sharp lady. She's working hard, and this is a dead-end road, man. So anyway, final thoughts on that. Yeah, thanks for your wisdom. I asked you a question in between calls, and I asked you how long it took you to write this book. I thought it was pretty fascinating. You mentioned about a year and a half,

but you explained why in terms of the thoroughness and dedication that went into this book. And I'd love for you to maybe just shed a little light on that. Yeah, there's probably somewhere between 250 and 300 citations in this book. They're at the end of each chapter because I have what I call a brain room. And when I started to do We've Got Issues, I picked the things that I thought were really critical to a healthy society. And we did a deep dive on those and,

and everything that I wanted to say, everything that I felt strongly about, I said, okay, you need to tell me whether or not this is empirically supported, uh, or it's not. And I want you to find flaws in it. I want you to find holes in it. I want you to see where it's overinterpreted. Just finding a site's not enough. Who's the site? What's their agenda? Because if you ask somebody about, should you stay together for the children, for example, you're going to get a different answer maybe from an evangelical site than you would be from just a pure scientific site. So, you know, we qualified our sites, we did digging down and then I would write it up and send it back to another part of the brain room

to scrub and see if there was anything conflated or misstated or whatever. So when I got through, I knew that what was there was really backed by hard science, you know, hard history and all, because, you know, I think people are getting away from science, getting away from the empiricism, and people tell me how they feel, and I always say the same thing. I don't care how you feel. I barely care how I feel. What I care is what is, you know. Tell me how you feel about gravity. I don't care. I don't care how I feel about gravity. What I care is that it's here. You can't step off a building and say, well, I'm not going to fall because I don't like gravity.

Well, gravity doesn't care if you like it or not. It's the same way about so many things that we have these competing narratives about now. So I wanted to give people the facts, give them the science behind it, and then set forth 10 principles for a healthy society. And number one is live. be who you are on purpose, live with intention. That takes some conscious thought about what is important to me, for my family, what's important that I want to commit to. To know that, you got to consciously think about it. I challenge everybody to do that from the very beginning of the book, and I hope people will. So it's available now everywhere you can get books. So I hope people will not only buy it, but it's not a paperweight. You can't put it on your nightstand and hope that

by osmosis, it drifts into your brain while you sleep. You got to actually read this and, and get into it. And I've been so thankful for how well it's been received so far. Oh, that's awesome. You've done a lot of incredible things with your professional career. Where would this rank on your accomplishments in terms of your professional career? Well, I think this is the most important book I've written. I've written nine number one New York Times bestsellers. I think this is the most important book I've ever written because I think it affects family and our society. And I think it'll upset some people. And I think it'll make a lot of people really calm and peaceful.

But it won't be ineffectual. So I think it's very important. So I'm really proud of this one. Awesome. Well, congratulations on it. I can't thank you enough for your time. It's been a ton of fun on this end to have you as a guest. Go check out Dr. Phil's book. The name is We've Got Issues, available wherever books are sold.

Also, don't forget to send in those questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com. For all things Ask Nick's, texting, office hours, mediation, you know the drill. We'll be back tomorrow for another reality recap. We'll see you then. Bye. you