The Viall Files - E724 Ask Nick - My Pregnancy, His Career

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Before we get to our callers, we smash or pass first date ideas…  Our first caller is married with kids, and is wondering if she should send her p**n addicted husband noodz. She’s always traveling and doesn't want him to feel shame from their religious community. Our second caller has a boyfriend who puts no effort into their relationship but wants her to move in. She’s scared to confront him on things, but the constant disregard for her feelings is saddening. Our final caller had fertility issues, and now that she’s pregnant is struggling to have a balance with work. They mutually support each other’s careers, but how do they support each other's future together as parents?  “It doesn’t seem like you guys are on the same page as a couple” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Find your social sweet spot, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL to get 10% off your first month. OUAI - Frizz-free up your schedule with OUAI. Go to https://www.theouai.com and enter promo code VIALL for 15% off any product. OneSkin -OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code VIALL at https://www.oneskin.co  Bubly - Check out Bubly Burst today! Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @dereklanerussell @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another explosive episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick. Joined by the household of sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet,

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sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, an amazing episode for you today. Some great callers, some great answers. Thanks for listening, as always. We always love our Ask Nick audience. True regulars, you know? You guys are here, you're supportive. You love our show, we love you. We can't thank you enough. What are we getting into before we get to our callers?

So before we get into our written Ask Nick, we're gonna do a fun game of Smash or Pass, first date edition. There are a lot of opinions on first dates What's a good one? What's a bad one? So we have a list of first date ideas and the response is either smash or pass Okay, a hike a hike a hike I'm smashing this one. I'd smash. Yeah, I think there's a couple like first date first date Yeah, I pass. Um, I think there's a couple like first date first date. Yeah, I pass um I Do I do think there it requires follow-up questions there needs to be a level of comfort. I don't know there's a bit smash

I think you smash the hike because if you're afraid to have I think you pass Oh, I think you smash because if you don't have questions to ask you're winded from hiking this like tall mountain So everybody's just like trying to catch their breath. So all you have to do is literally walk in like. See that's why I pass. For the ladies out there, you know, safety is something that I think us men don't. That's true.

Consider as much. And you meet a stranger in a dating app, they're like, let's go fucking. I mean, LA hiking is a very like in vogue thing to do. Right. And it is very public. So if you're in LA hiking, like you're not gonna be alone. That's like going to the mall, right?

Anywhere else. Right, if you're somewhere where it's like the nearest hike is four hours away. Yeah, like in a, like a pathway or something in the woods. Like, yeah, so. I also think there's like a form of humility to it. Like be ready to like be sweating and look ugly, like panting.

That's why I pass. Like mutually, so it's like okay we've seen each other at like a partial worse. So what's the worst? But this is a first date. This is why I pass. Just rip that bandaid off though. Because I don't want to be like profusely sweating on my first date. Yeah.

Well that's another thing like I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm convincing myself to pass. So you say pass? I think a hike is a way better second or third date than a first date. I do think the second one on this list is a big pass for me. I'm gonna officially say pass on the hike.

What about a movie? A hard pass. I agree. Is it because you don't talk? Yeah. You just sit there in silence. Yeah, like you don't get to know them. I don't need to, it's like, all right,

still don't know who the fuck you are. But what'd you think of this movie? The next thing you know, the movie has like a sex scene in it and you're just sitting there like, okay. It's like, yeah, watching, it's like watching a sex scene with your parents. Oh my God, the worst. And inevitably the guy's gonna say something awkward

or weird, you know? Yeah. Like, oh, how about those two? Also kissing in a movie theater, I think is not, I've done it. It's good in high school. But yeah, in high school. Hard pass on the movie. Well, maybe the movie could work though, because then you have something to talk about after.

Just the movie though. Nothing about like, who you are. Like if you're leaving the date being like, I had a great time, like, okay, that had nothing to do with me. Yeah, best first date ever. It's like, holy shit. It's better like Dune too. It's like three hours long.

That's true. Yeah. Okay. What about a dinner? I'm going to also pass a whole meal of food with a stranger. I went on a first date once and we had dinner. And when I first picked her up, now I was like, you know, she was in a movie. She was, I don't want to even say that. Oh, okay. She was in the movie. She was, I don't wanna even say that. She was in the movie, The Nice Guys, with a small role in the movie, The Nice Guys. It was long, long ago. We didn't vibe, that's fine.

She probably hated me as much as, you know. Oh, you hated her? It just was like, well, that's the thing. Lovely person, I am sure. But it was like, holy God, we got a whole meal to go. And then she ordered dessert. Oh And you paid I don't care about the paying part. It was just more like, okay. No, we're gonna we're gonna have dessert Okay, another 20 minutes. Here we go. It's a commitment Mm-hmm, and I'm not saying it's someone who's afraid of commitment

But it is a whole meal of food the greatest first date of all time. I think it's a zoom date obviously what? For the context of meeting online. It's a screening date, you know? Yeah, or a FaceTime. If you don't like them, turn the Wi-Fi off by connection. I will say I did write an article, I think you could probably find it was like right after my bachelor days. I started a blog for like a hot second. You know, again, part of my figuring out what I'm going to do. I think it was called lovehard.com or something. Lovehard.com? Right.

Oh no. Listen, I was trying. I was trying. I'm gonna look it up after this. There's some good articles. Lovehard.com. Did you come up with the new art? No, it was Live Loud, Love Hard.

It was like a, even worse. Oh, like a Live Loud, Love Hard. Live Loud, Love Hard. You sound like a millennial woman's like decor dreams. Yeah. DJ Max. What do you want me to do? Safari cannot find this website. No, it doesn't exist anymore.

But the article probably does. I basically said like the more effort some guy puts in, the more you know he likes you. Yeah. Shocking. But yeah, so listen, if you meet, let's say you meet in person at a grocery store, you have a meet-cute, and there's instant, like, wow, I'm excited about this person. And maybe at first, you know.

Have you ever met someone in a grocery store and had a date from there? No. But, like, right, I did get approached by someone at a grocery store right, like it was like two days after Nally and I finally were like, we're going to do this. And then a lady in Venice approached me. Was it your masseuse?

That's what I was thinking of. Diane? No. She's like overdue for a checkup. Pretty gal, but I was like, nope, sorry, I got a girlfriend now. That's it. It was like a first time in a long time I got to say that, so.

I worked at Trader Joe's, so there's many stories. You got hit on a lot? That's, it's like, when you work at Trader Joe's, there's a Trader Joe's Riz. Granted, I think they hire certain people that have like a flirtatious kind of personality. They're telling you to flirt with your customers? No, it's just, I think they hire-

You should buy that melon, it's soft. Smells sweet. Oh my God. No, like- That shrubber is hire- You should buy that melon, it's soft. It smells sweet. Mm. Oh my God. No, like- That's shrubber is nice. Managers tell you like, managers say like, I want you to be bubbly. But that's what I've been told when I was there.

It's not flirty, but bubbly. Okay, the next one is coffee. Love. Yeah, that's a good one. Smash, for sure. Smash, smashing all day. Minimal commitment, you can leave whenever. Yeah. Easy. Listen, this all day. Minimal commitment, you can leave whenever. Yeah. Easy.

Listen, this is 2024 Smash or Pass version. These answers might've been different 15 years ago, but people are just meeting. No, this is current day. This is meeting a stranger for a first date, essentially. Okay, here's one. Karaoke. Fucking nightmare.

Oh my God, no. I got a hard pass, oh my God. Now, listen. What if you have a good voice? Not for me. No, it's even worse, cause you don't wanna do it. Definitely not for me.

I do think honestly, like an activity, like bowling, amazing. Right, like an activity date is good because it takes the pressure off of just having to talk. It's something to do, it can create conversations. Bowling, most people are just not good at it.

It doesn't need to be competitive darts, I don't know. I almost wonder what would be worse is if you're a good singer and you take someone on a karaoke date or if you're a bad singer and you take someone on a karaoke date. Both annoying. Yeah, both just bad.

If you're both a good singer though, that could be like a match made in heaven. Yeah, listen, if you like, if you both love karaoke. But then it's just a show. But if you're like, if you're, if on your dating bio, it's just like love a good karaoke night, well then maybe a great first date for sure. But only then, like you both have to just like

be one of those like fucking weirdos, no offense to people listening. I just fucking hate karaoke. I wish I liked it. Honestly, it's just because I'm not good in it and I don't like doing things I'm not good at. So it's a me problem. So I, it was coming out hard on the karaoke people.

I apologize. I'm sorry. But yeah, it can a me problem. So I was coming out hard on the karaoke people. I apologize, I'm sorry. But yeah, it can be a smash for some people, pass for me. Yeah, I think it's pass for me too. Okay. You're good at dancing, right? I like to dance. Okay, so what about dance lessons? And a first date.

Yep, that's the next one. I have to really like her, but then it could be great. Yeah? Absolutely not, that's my worst nightmare. Well, I guess it depends on the lesson. She had, I think that that idea has to come from the lady. Right, like you're not just gonna suggest, hey, let's go on a first date.

I signed us up for a tango class. That's a good point actually. Because like, you know, the man has to lead. There is some like touching involved potentially. Oh, it's super intimate. Yeah, so like it could come across poorly, I think if it's suggested by a man. What if it's like a dance battle dance lesson and you guys have to like hip hop classes? Like a dance dance

revolution? Something yeah. That could be cute. So basically go get coffee. Yeah yeah. Or a drink mm-hmm for the drinkers out there. This could be a good one. Rage room. What's a rage room? You know what't know what a Rage Room is? Oh, like you destroy things together? Yeah, it's what, basically what they were doing on Vanderpump recently, where they were hitting a wall. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You just go to a room and destroy things.

I've done it before and hated it. You could suss out the red flags, like if they're a little bit too aggressive. No, there's too much activity that would what makes bowling so good It's a slow fucking game. You know Sitting down in your sitting you can have drinks. You can even have coffee depend, you know Yeah, you can skip around who gives a shit, you know You can arcade there you can goof around with like how you throw the ball. It's like, it allows for a lot of bubble-iness,

as Justin would say. Yeah. Okay, here's a good one. Partner yoga. Absolutely not. Literally not. That's worse than dance class. Like workout class together. Of course that's like hiking. Soul cycle.

Soul cycle would be my dream. Oh God, no. That is a date? No. I get flashbacks to me seeing the light in the one soul cycle class I took. Me seeing the light. I saw the light and my feet were stuck in the pedals. I couldn't get them out.

And I was like, I just have to sit here and leave the shoes. I can't believe you're bad at soul cycle. And I'm good at running. Like it makes no sense. It really doesn't make any sense. When you say you're good at running, what are you talking about? Like I run almost every day.

And like I enjoy it. Are you fast? I'm like endurance. How many miles? Have you ever timed yourself in a mile? Yeah, at my greatest, it was like 630 to seven a mile. Whoa. Okay.

I'm not doing that right now. That being said, SoulCycle was a whole different beast. And it was a Taylor Swift one. Okay, but I can't run. I hate running. Every Thanksgiving, I'm dying on those 5Ks. Every Thanksgiving, you're dying. Do you run a 5K every Thanksgiving? Run to feed the hungry. Yeah, it's the Turkey Trot.

I do a 10K every Thanksgiving. This is like a... It's like a thing. Okay. It's a thing in Orchard, at least. Yeah, where have you been? Who, who, who in this, like Minnesota goes outside and runs for 3.2 miles for no reason. It's brutal.

Your knees are cracking and you can't breathe. Why do you do it? Do we do it every year? I mean, again, you're an adult now. I don't understand why you can be like, no. I am like the fat slob of the family. So I have to keep up. No, you're not.

Again, you are an excellent soul cyclist. If you could do soul cycle, you're not that. Yeah, why don't you just change your tradition? I was so confident in her soul cycling that she wanted to like, she wanted to take me soul cycling and it wasn't You wanted to go! You were like, I'm pretty good so why don't we go? No, I did. I did. Don't trust her. Don't trust her.

But Alli was like, no, yeah, fuck yeah. And it wasn't because she wanted to bond with her boss. She wanted to embarrass her boss. You could tell. She was like, I'm fucking awesome. She was trying to do that to me. She tried to set me up. Yeah. Yeah. No. It was like my, it was my first week and she's like, let's go. It was your first week. It was your initiation. She was like, let's do it in your. Let's do it in your first week. I've done so cycle and I'm you know, okay So you're actually good at it. I'm fine as long as you can get your feet out of the pedals I think I can keep up. Okay. I mean listen, come on special forces. That's true

Okay, last one on the list. I think is go to a fortune teller. God nightmare smash She wants to know her future. Are we getting married? Are they asking the questions? By the way, that actually, like in high school, there was like a fortune teller teacher there and she read my palm and Danny's palm

and she told both of us that we would marry our high school sweetheart. Again, broken clock is right twice a day. She also said Danny had a short lifespan and I can't forget that. What a fucked up thing to tell a high school sweetheart. Again, broken clock is right, twice a day. She also said Danny had a short lifespan and I can't forget that. What a fucked up thing to tell a high school person. Are you fucking kidding me?

Why would they say that? That person should go to fucking jail. Is she still there? No, but I lose sleep over this to this day. I'm like begging him to go to another one. Anyway. Go to another one, tell him he's gonna live forever. I mean, I guess- I'll pay you extra if you tell me that he's gonna live longer.

You can find a fortune teller, pay them ahead of time to tell them you guys are gonna end up together, then bring the person there. That's even worse. Manipulation, but- That's a tactic. And passing.

Pass. The administrator should be fired, and that fake person tarot card reader should go to jail. Did you pay her? She was a palm reader. You paid her for the reading? No, she was just reading all of our palms. We were like, I don't know, 13, 14. that fake person tarot card reader should go to jail. Did you pay her? You paid her for the reading?

No, she was just reading all of our palms. We were like, I don't know, 13, 14. And they said they're gonna have a short lifespan. You imagine saying that to a 13 year old today? No. Immediately they would drug that kid, put him on whatever fucking antidepressants, anxiety. Danny doesn't care.

I'm the one who can't sleep at night. He's like, whatever dude. Oh my God, terrible child abuse. Yeah, anyway, should we get into the written? Yeah, we got it written before we get to our callers. Yes, we do. So this writer writes in, headline is, should I tell my boyfriend

and follow it into some models on his Instagram? Sure. Yes, next. All right, let's get to our callers. So the writer writes it and says, hi team, I'm 28 and I'm writing in because I recently went on my boyfriend's Instagram from his laptop and unfollowed pretty much

all of the Instagram models he was following and I'm having a hard time deciding whether I should come clean and tell him. There's nothing to come clean about. Why is this a secret? Yeah, well, I mean, she did it. Yeah, this is not the same as going through his phone. Well, she continues and she says,

There is more context here, but would love to get some advice. We live together with another roommate, and I hate the idea of keeping something from him, but I also don't want him to not trust me because I was not going through his phone or reading his messages on Instagram. I only went to who he was following and started unfollowing because he followed hundreds of Instagram models and in the moment, I was annoyed with him and reacted in this way. This is really simple, she's over fucking thinking about it. If she didn't go through his phone

and didn't read his messages, then she has nothing to apologize for. And he's got no reason to be like, how dare you? He's got no reason to be defensive, assuming there's nothing in the DMs or in his messages he needs to be hiding from her. So she simply says, hey listen, I was a little annoyed, rightfully, so that you follow like a hundred fucking models. So instead of making a big deal, I did you a favor.

I wouldn't unfollow them for you. You are welcome. Don't make it a big deal. Don't act like you have to sit down and be like, hey, I need to tell you something. I'm really sorry for doing this. No, you did him a favor. He shouldn't be following a bunch of people. I'm not saying he's doing a bunch of things wrong. He might have just been following him for years and forgot about it. Every fucking once in a while, like I don't sit there and audit on my Instagram,

but every single once in a while, I'm going through my Instagram. And as an influencer, someone who has a following, every time you post something, as a reminder to some of the people who follow you, be I still fucking follow this person fuck all right I don't follow That's why I don't post anything no kidding Well every time you post you lose followers and gain followers. It's like you know you just you know you gotta post a lot That's that's the trick so to speak

But you know every once in a while like someone will post something and I'm like oh Yeah, I don't need to follow this person anymore. You know, I haven't talked to it, it's not personal. It's just like, I'm not interested in their life. And maybe it was a girlfriend or maybe it was someone I went on a date with. And it was like, you know, we just follow each other, no big deal. But like, I'm not going through and being like,

oh, I gotta make sure I don't follow. But I'm also not following like hundreds of fucking- Hundreds. Models that he doesn't, it doesn't seem like he knows. But my point is don't make it a big fucking deal. Well, she also goes on to say that she is embarrassed because she realized that this is immature. What's immature?

To unfollow people without him knowing. Again, I think she's really overthinking it and making it a big deal. She has every right to be annoyed by this. And she's just like, hey, listen, I was on the lab shop and I unfollowed all the girls that had like annoyed me that you followed, so you're welcome.

And she doesn't need to say, I didn't look through your messages, because she didn't. That's not the thing. If he goes, well, did you look through my other stuff? I'm like, no. Then she could be like, of course, I would have told you if I did,

but I didn't, but I just unfollowed people. Why, are you hiding something? She can make this a funny thing. His response, the appropriate response by him should be, thanks. He should be thankful that she chose not to make this a big deal, like some sort of sit down and a fight. And he certainly shouldn't be like,

why are you unfollowing people like these girls? Excuse me? You know, he shouldn't care. Because she did remove the ultimatum, or the possibility for there to be an ultimatum of like, you need to unfollow them. Like it bugs me, You know, he shouldn't care. Because she did remove the ultimatum or the possibility for there to be an ultimatum of like, you need to unfollow them. Like it bugs me, you know? So it's true.

Yeah. And she could be like, you know, having fun, but like make sure that you're not following a bunch of guys that he might have a problem with and don't don't do it from your point of view. Do it from his point of view, because there's definitely a handful of women that she she probably unfollowed that he might know. He might not like he might be chill with, he might be cool with, like,

and he's like, why don't you unfollow Becky? You know, we're cool, we're friends, I don't know. But big thing is, I don't think this is a big deal. I don't think she did anything wrong. And she doesn't need to apologize for something that she didn't do wrong. And she doesn't need to explain how she didn't do something. And this is not the same as going through messages. I think that she should have told him first before she unfollowed all of them. Just like, hey, you follow hundreds of Instagram models.

Is it cool if either you or I go through and just unfollow them? And I think that would have been the better way to go about it, in my opinion. But now that she's already done it, I agree. I think that she has to say better way to go about it, in my opinion, but now that she's already done it, I agree, I think that she has to say something. He's gonna notice. The big question is, is she not telling us something?

Is she suspicious of him? What caused this behavior? Did she have to stop herself from going through those messages because she was afraid of something in the messages? I don't know. Or how did she notice there was hundreds of Instagram models that he was following?

Well, that's not hard to figure out. Well, like that's true. But like she looked for it, possibly. But if it's hundreds, like let's assume he's not an influencer, so he's not gonna have like, he should have about, I would think, an equal amount of followers versus who he's following. And if he had hundreds more, you're gonna look.

Headline for me is this isn't that big of a deal and he shouldn't care all that much and he should honestly be glad that, you know, she didn't make it a big deal and she's like, yeah, I'm just unfollowing him for you because you're with me now. It's also just a weird look. It's obviously a thing.

It's a little publicly pervy, you know? Like, you know, again, when I was single and I had a bunch of women friends, I still set myself up for like people making comments about friends I kept or whatever. I don't give a fuck, but like, now that you're in a, now that he's, this guy's in a relationship,

yeah, he should care about how he presents himself to the public if he has a public-facing social media account. I mean, her dad's like, what the fuck is this chick she's following, you know? But I don't think it's that big of a deal unless she makes it a big deal. That's my two cents. All right, it's time to get to our callers.

Don't forget to send those questions at asknick at thevalvefiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, you know, mediation, you know the drill. We will be back tomorrow for a monster episode of Reality Recap. Getting into the premiere of the Valley, VPR. We got Sheena having orgies.

We got the big Bachelor finale. Who does Joey pick? We're pretty sure it's Kelsey, but how does it all go down? Will they announce the next Bachelorette? Is it Daisy? Is it Maria? Who knows? So many questions shall be revealed. We'll discuss. We'll break it all down. And then I promise you, an amazing guest next Thursday.

We don't even know who it's gonna be. We have a couple options, but it will be good. That much I promise you. And for all you update lovers out there, we got an update classic for everyone, not behind Vilephiles Plus. This Friday going down, and if you do love your update specials,

we have 20 plus episodes of updates. All the updates you guys have been missing that you've been wondering about are available behind Vilephiles Plus. It's free to sign up. Just go to VyloFiles.com to listen. You'll enjoy it. Plus we got our Vanderpump recaps, we got our Pop Extra roundups.

So much to digest and consume. So listen, click away. All right, it's time for our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, my name is Maggie. I am 37 and I am wondering if sending my porn addicted husband nudes is a good idea. Okay.

How do you know he's addicted to porn? Did you diagnose him? Has he diagnosed himself? Has he been diagnosed by a professional? So we do couples counseling and we have for years They have diagnosed him But before that he knew he had a problem. So we are high school sweethearts We have been dating for our together 23 years, got married really young a month before my 20th birthday or 21st birthday, I guess.

And we had a wonderful wedding and honeymoon. And then I get home from our honeymoon the day we got home and I went to run out actually to change my driver's license name and was super excited about that and came home to find him masturbating to porn on my school computer. So, I... All right. I don't mean to laugh. Does he not have his own computer? It was like in our house. So...

It was just the most convenient. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I kind of just let it go. I was super awkward. I kind of just turned around and left as quickly as possible. How long was this? This was the day after our honeymoon. So that was an 07 so many years ago. Many years ago. Since then, like what's been going on? Like I mean that's that is a very funny story.

Yeah. Funny for us I guess, sorry. That being said, you're not the only person who's walked into their partner masturbating to porn. And I can get why, especially following your honeymoon, your work computer, there's a lot of layers for you to be justifiably annoyed and pissed and frustrated. Can you give other scenarios about his relationship with porn over the years that would articulate his addiction. Yes. So, a few years after that, we actually joined like a small group through our church and it's sort of that environment, you know, where you're supposed to tell like your testimony and how bad you were, you know, in the end to show how much you've changed or whatever. Like a public hallelujah around your friends.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So we are in this small group and he says this, that he was caught doing this, but that it was also a struggle before. So his first time he did it was when he was like 12. And then he has a brother that's only a year older than him. So they're like-

First time he did what? Watch porn and masturbated? Yes. Masturbated or did that while watching porn? Did that while watching porn. And that he struggled a lot with it and didn't think that he could stop and all of that. And this was all very new information to me because I kind of thought it was like that one time I caught him and whatever. You really thought that? I mean, maybe it happens, but not.

You caught him masturbating on your work computer following your honeymoon. You walked out, you probably both felt embarrassed. And then I'm assuming, it sounds like you just didn't like talk about it. And then you just what? You didn't. And then you just decided for yourself that this was a one-off and that, okay. And I think a lot to like make myself feel better because I am very, I take things a lot on myself.

I'm a people pleaser. Like I was trying to justify that this was not me, you know, that it wasn't that we literally just got back from our honeymoon and like, it's not really, yeah, it's, it's bad timing. It has nothing really to do with you. Question, your couples therapy, your couple, is this through your church or is this through like a therapist? No. Okay.

Yeah, no, our current therapy now. So going back to like, obviously hearing that news through the small group that it obviously wasn't a one-off and that he felt like it was a struggle for a very long time and a struggle before me, before we got married, struggle after we were married and that he committed to, which I believe him, we got rid of all of our like open computers at home. He installed an app on his phone. He has a like accountability partner that he calls when he feels like he's tempted or whatever. I believe that he's trying because my opinion,

it makes me very uneasy and self-conscious to know. I don't think that open use of porn in our relationship could be something that I could ever be comfortable with. And that's just me. I, again, am self-conscious. I don't want like, I don't think I could ever live up to that obviously. Like if he's watching it constantly and I have had, you know, three babies, I am nowhere near that. I mean you don't even know what type of porn he's watching. So, you know. I don't. There's a spectrum of options, you know.

Yeah. So, you don't even know what you're comparing yourself to. Yeah. Well, listen, send the nudes for sure. This is definitely a non-expert opinion. Yeah. But like, I'm a big believer in, you know, you're married. Yeah.

You guys are high school sweethearts. You gotta find ways to mix it up. And I think in a relationship, it's fun to keep things exciting. And especially in a relationship, send each other's nudes. I mean, fuck, you know, it's one thing to not be in a committed relationship, but like, you know, because, you know, shit, you date someone, unfortunately, people are shady with their nudes that they receive and all those things. You don't know who to trust. Hopefully, you know, minus this, you know, little bugaboo that you're dealing with your husband, hopefully you can trust your husband with your nudes,

so to speak. And I think you can keep things exciting, you know. He's at work, you send him a little something spicy, you know. Even when you're out to, you're on a double date, you walk into the bathroom of the restaurant, you send him a little something spicy, you know, even when you're out to, you're on a double date, you walk into the bathroom of the restaurant, you send them a little something spicy underneath the, you know, fuck, make your own videos. I don't know, you know, like, I don't know what your comfort level is, but if you're comfortable with it, you know, I think you have to be comfortable

with it, you know, it's like- Yeah, I think I need to get there. Yeah, and you can, you know, it's like I always tell, I always, like I would joke, I'm, you know, grew up in Milwaukee, very, you know, not very fashion forward town with my less than fashion forward friends. And I was always like, guys look good wearing pink, but only if you like feel comfortable and confident wearing pink.

If you put on a pink shirt, you know, like, and you think like, I don't look, I'm uncomfortable, you're going to look uncomfortable. So like, you get the analogy, you know, you have to grow into it, you have to be comfortable. You don't want to be like awkward there posing and to be like, like, titty out, you know? So that could be a little weird. But it can be also be a ton of fun that you and your husband can have, and you can get a little kinky and get a little pornographic with each other rather than him having this kind of addiction with porn. How much do you guys talk about it now?

Like, are you a safe space for him to talk about his addiction and how he is dealing with it? Or are you just like, I don't want to hear, I don't want to know, like, do you kind of keep things pretty siloed in that conversation? I think we have up until pretty recently, like been on the path where we just pretend that this doesn't exist kind of thing.

But recently in couples therapy, like I've had to bring it up because I've felt super insecure about it lately. Yeah. Um, and so I've had to bring it up and I have told him like, I want to support him. Like I understand. And I can see it like when he talks about it and when he's on his face, he hates it.

He's embarrassed. Like he hates it for me that I, he makes me feel, you know, less than when we talk about it or went in the past when it's happened. So I think that it like the lines of communication are open and I want to support him and I want him to come to me and say that I'm struggling with it. And he's told me like he struggles the most when I'm not around. So I travel for work. We have three kids that are two of the oldest

are in travel sports. So we're constantly like traveling different places or whatever. And he's told me that, you know, when he's alone or when, you know, when I'm gone with the kids for the weekend or whatever, that's when he struggles the most with it. So...

What would your comfort level be? Like, what could his muse be when you're away? And he's, like, is your expectation that he doesn't masturbate at all when you're gone? Or is it that you don't want him to watch porn when you're gone? And I don that you don't want him to watch porn when you're gone? And I don't know how your religious beliefs intertwine with this, but I guess, yeah, it's just like,

how rigid are the expectations around what you guys are comfortable doing? Right, I think that the porn would be like the most unsettling. I know that people masturbate and need to whatever like that, but I would rather like our relationship in that way be between me and him. I think is how I should articulate that.

Okay, well sending him nudes might help. I mean, I just, I do, like most men masturbate. Most married men masturbate. Like I feel like that's the worst kept secret, but like I'm a sex positive kind of guy. You know, I don't, I know when it comes to religion, I come from obviously very Catholic background. So I'm very familiar with the shame around sex

and masturbation and all those things. So not sure where you're at with that, but like people masturbate and it can be very healthy and it can be healthy for a couple, but like it can be unhealthy when there's a lot of shame and judgment. And when two, like you and your husband are married and like you guys can barely even talk

about sex with each other. You know, that's not a recipe for success, you know? And you know, it sounds like, yeah, maybe he does have a problem. And again, the guy watched porn for the first time at 12, you know, so like, it sounds like it got into his blood early, you know, so to speak.

And then meanwhile, he hasn't really been, you know, he's not allowed to talk about it. Cause in his, you know, it sounds like you're very, is it safe to say that you have like a very kind of, your community is all mostly sharing the same faith and religion and you're part of your church or? Yeah, and we're, you know, we're not as involved as we used to be. And I feel like over the last little bit, like we've come, like matured in different ways and are more open to things. And even myself, I've always been like very quiet and reserved and we started dating so young that I felt like I never got a chance, neither one of us really, and him more than me

because I never watched any, you know, I never did any of that. But I've never had a chance to like explore, do you know, I just, and coming from that religious background and very conservative, like it's always was like bad, you know, I was raised and all of that stuff is terrible. And listen, I hear you, I relate, I get it. And, and I get like, I referred to it as Catholic guilt, you know, Christian guilt or whatever.

It's a real thing, you know? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, your chair that you're sitting in almost looks religious. Well, I'm a interior designer and this is like, wow. This is my really cool antique chair. It's a great looking chair but it kind of looks like a little like a looks like a priest and sit up. It actually is from an old church.

Is it? Okay, yeah, there you go. But yeah, let's say the repression of feelings and your sexuality is, I don't know, I don't think very healthy. You know, I'm not a sex expert at all. I'm not a therapist. But my two cents is the repression of these feelings isn't doing you guys any good. And I totally get that where it's coming from. I think I commend you and your husband for trying to work through this.

And I commend you for also acknowledging that like, it doesn't necessarily take him off the hook or say he doesn't have something to work on. But I think this is a bigger conversation than just my husband watches porn. This is, to me, this is more about we've been dating since we were high school sweethearts. We're in our mid to late 30s. Our sexual history is incredibly limited. We both grew up around a lot of shame when it comes to sex and exploring our sexuality or just exploring our fantasies or kinks or whatever

you know, whatever your thing is, everyone has a thing, you know what I'm saying? And so, and I think the fact that you guys are open to having those conversations now can go a long way, you know, and being patient with each other and quite honestly, I think you guys just need to continue to practice having these types of conversations with each other. because right now I'm guessing when you talk about it with him, you know is understanding as you seem to be trying to be It's more like what's wrong with you. Why are you doing this? You know, how can you stop doing this? You know, it's again it's just like that shame and judgment and and

Like you have the right to feel how you feel about him watching porn and masturbating, you know? You're not wrong for that. At the same time, he's not some sort of monster with this like terrible like, you know, he watches porn and masturbates. It's like, and I get how you feel about it, but I'm just like, it's and I, he probably does have a problem. He probably doesn't need to slow it down.

It must be a challenge for him to going, being used to watching something while he masturbates rather than just like closing his eyes. Because he can watch porn when he closes his eyes, you know what I'm saying? He's certainly watched enough of it. But most men require some sort of visual stimulation. But more importantly, like how do you two, if you want to limit, you know, what he's doing there,

like how do you two like continue to meet each other's sexual needs? like how do you two continue to meet each other's sexual needs? And how do you two continue to together discover new needs and new fantasies and create a safe space with each other where let's talk about it, maybe in the bedroom, let's, you know, play around or whatever you want to call it and like really just trust that this is a safe space. There's not a lot of judgment. If someone's a slightly uncomfortable, there's a lot of patience and understanding. There's

not a lot of frustration and like resentment and like, ugh, you know, but like it really comes to you guys wanting to have, you know, advance your relationship sexually. It sounds like because it sounds like it's been pretty vanilla and you guys don't talk about the uncomfortable stuff. And I totally get why because you've both been basically programmed not to. Your entire childhood and young adult life it's just like don't talk about it, don't, it doesn't happen, don't ask, don't tell. If you're gonna do some crazy shit just pretend it doesn't happen because like, which is always kind of funny. I always found funny when it comes to like super religious people and again I come from a very religious background.

It's like, it's a lot of the don't ask, don't tell, like act as if, and yet like this is all for the sake of, you know, the Lord, right? Jesus, you know, and I'm thinking like, but aren't we told that Jesus loves and sees, he sees all, he's all knowing. So it's this like, he's right there on our shoulder when we're watching porn, but like,

it's more like in the Christian community, it's like as long as our friends don on our shoulder when we're watching porn, but like, it's more like in the Christian community, it's like as long as our friends don't know, then we're fine, you know? Yeah. But it's like, well, wait, I thought the Lord knows. He knows all. Just the, there's a handful of hypocrisies I always like to point out when it comes to

the religious folk. Ultimately, yeah, send the fucking nudes, you know? Okay. At your comfort level. Yeah, I need to work on that and get there for sure. Is this an idea that you came up with or did he ask you? Yeah, no, he's never asked. But I, if you need something,

I'd rather it be me sort of mindset. Like he would, I mean, he still seems very attracted to me. We have a pretty active sex life for being together for that long and having three crazy kids and life and all of those things. But I don't doubt that at all. And I think that's a very common misconception when it comes to like, why men watch porn, porn and like totally understand from your point of view how you can receive it. But I just don't think like only men who have like lost interest in their partner are watching

porn. That's like, that's definitely not the case. Yeah. And I think that's where my head goes when I think about it. And again, that's me needing to like redirect and like it's not me. It's you know, I am who I am. And I think he's just living off like a sexual fantasy that he probably would have fun doing with you. and like it's not me, it's, you know, I am who I am. And I think he's just living off like a sexual fantasy

that he probably would have fun doing with you. I think it's kind of great that he hasn't asked for it because I'd rather it be something you surprise him with. And like, again, practice makes perfect. Do this at your pace, your own comfort level, maybe buy some nice lingerie or whatever, you know, whatever you feel good in, you know, well, I don't want to be giving you fucking nude notes,

but like just do it at your comfort level, you know? And if you find yourself to look attractive, I'm sure he will too, right? And when you do send it, send it when he's like, you know, be like, hey, what are you doing? You know, I'm about to send you something, but it's like, be like, hey, what are you doing? I'm about to send you something, but I don't want anyone looking.

But hit it when he expects it. And throw in a little like, it can't wait for you to come home. Maybe some dirty talk. I don't know, use a little like, maybe say something he might not expect you to say. Via text. Something a little naughty.

I don't know. But whatever you wanna do to spice it up, I think could go a long way. And then maybe you guys advance to making your own, you know, adult content. I don't know. I don't know what your comfort level is. But I think there's like, I do think in general,

whatever you guys are into, whatever you're comfortable with, I think if you're going to be married for a long time and have a monogamous relationship, you guys have to like have some fun with it. You gotta mix it up, you know? Assuming that's the type of relationship you want. I mean, hell, some people might just get married

and it might be transactional. It's like, we're here to like give each other children and we're here to be co-parents and you know, I don't really prioritize having an enjoyable sex life, but you do. Like you wanna connect with your husband. And so like you guys have to go out of your way to make each other's sexual needs, you know?

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, but like try to grow in your comfort level together. And the big thing is, I think is creating that safe space where it's okay to talk about, you know? You're his wife, he's your husband. You know, it should be okay to, you know, talk about what you're into, you know, and you should be able to say to him

what you would like, you know, share some fantasies that you have, and have fun with it, and give each other permission to be like, yeah, you know, everyone has a thing. Everyone has like a weird kink, even if it's not something that I would actually be into, but like just, or that they're curious about. You're a human being.

And so right now you guys have just been repressing these feelings for so long and so much so that you're not even comfortable hanging out with each other, you know? And like, yeah, he probably feels a lot of shame too and embarrassment and like the fact that he had to get up in his church group and like- Yeah, I know he does.

Confess this to the Lord is just like, my God. Especially, it's all relative, but he's not alone in his porn watching. I think it's just trying to get him, if you don't wanna ever watch porn, maybe you guys watch it together someday. Maybe you're comfortable with it where it's something you guys enjoy together

because it's more about like watching two people and getting motivation rather than you feel like he's watching it without you. But again, you might not be into that and that's totally okay. But I'm just giving ideas about ways that maybe you guys could do things together. Because that's what it's all about. It's being connected, it's being together, it's discovering new and possibly uncomfortable things together so that you can be there for each other in your discomfort and then make something that was once uncomfortable a little bit more normal. And even if it feels, and even if you don't wanna tell

your friends or your fucking church group that you guys are into this, that's okay. You don't have to fucking confess to it, but it's something you guys share. And that will even make you closer together, the fact that you guys have a little dirty secret, you know? Like that will make you feel more connected, you know? And that sounds to me a lot more fun

than the way you guys are going about things now, than like, you know, scoffing at him when knowing he watches porn and looking at him with disgust because he's watched porn and like talking to your friends about your husband's porn addiction. Like, that is not a recipe for a healthy connected relationship in a good sex life. So, send those nudes, you know. I'm a big believer as long as everyone's comfortable in a committed relationship.

If you ever gonna send nudes, send nudes in a committed relationship. Keep it spicy. Hit them with, you know, especially if you are traveling, you know, that's, it's fun because it, whatever, that little taboo of like, ooh, you know, like he's at work and maybe you guys do make a video someday and maybe it's a, you know, more like, you know, are not X rated at first. I don't know, but something he can like have in his little like phone and his little like treasure

chest of his wife, his greatest hits of his wife, you know, rather than something else. Yeah. Yeah. I would much rather that than just, you know, looking at other people or whatever. I just read that if you, if he continues to like need. Computer or phone to whatever, then it would be less about me and more about the computer or the phone, I think. Like, yeah, I don't know. I'm not an expert in that. Again, I would rather it, I think, be me.

But either way, like if I can't be there. Yeah. Live. I would rather it be me if he's going to look at something. And I would rather and I hope that you can enjoy doing this. I hope that you feel a sense of like, it kind of makes you feel a little good about yourself, you know? Yeah. And a little spicy.

For sure. And I'm definitely getting there. I've recently, having kids can no longer be, my youngest is five and my oldest is 14. So it can no longer be an excuse of having kids. So we have both like really tried to take care of ourselves. And we've both lost a lot of weight recently. And I'm trying finally, I think, in my late 30s, more than ever come into really who I am and amazing. Yeah, really speaking out and being confident. And I feel like I look better than I really ever have.

So. That's it. That's amazing. So keep, keep leaning into that. If you haven't already, maybe to kick off this, cause again, like send the nudes, but that's to me, that's not the key here. You know, I think the sending of the nudes or making your own content is

part of the overall solution. But the big part is you and your husband getting more on the same page and more creating the safe space to talk about this stuff. So if you have it already, I'd love for you to find the time with your husband to say, hey, listen, one, I really appreciate you trying to work on the porn thing. More importantly, I want you to feel like you and I can talk about your fantasies, and I want to be able to talk about my fantasies with you, and I want us to explore expanding our sexual interests and getting more connected, and I don't want you to ever feel shame when it comes to the things

that you're into, and I don't want to feel that way shame when it comes to the things that you're into and I don't wanna feel that way. You know what I'm saying? I think you should say something like that to him and that doesn't mean that that's not like giving him the green light to go watch a bunch of porn. It's just saying, I don't want this to be about shame and judgment.

It's like, obviously it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I'd rather have you be me than the porn, but big picture wise, I want us to be able to talk about these things and I want us to be a safe space for these types of conversations and I love you and I think you're hot and sexy and yada yada. And I think that will go a long way with him.

I really do because like men don't wanna feel like shamed and like, you know, this whole, like you're his mom, like being like you dirty little boy, you know, like that energy isn't gonna do you guys any good. So I would rather I think you should approach him, make a dirty joke, you know, grab his dick when you say it, I don't fucking know, but loosen up a little bit and this create the safe environment and tell him like what your overall goal with him is. And I think I do really think that will kickstart the conversation.

Yeah, no, you're definitely right. Pretty sure. You know, you also throwing it out there after you send the nude one time, you're at work. He's at work. You're traveling and you should tell him to send you a video of him doing his thing for you and be like, you can't watch anything. You know, start bossing him around, you know, start telling him what you want, tell him what to send you, start giving him instructions, you know, he'll be into that. You know, you know, just.

Yeah. No, he's definitely said he liked, because I am so reserved normally and always have been, he has definitely shared that he likes it when I am like speak up a little. A little nasty. So it's not my normal personality, but. Yeah, it's fun, you know. It's like, yeah, it's like, you know, get a wig. I don't know, mix it up, have some fun.

Like start putting some color into your sex life. You. Like start putting some color into your sex life. You know, start adding some flavors into your sex life. You know, cause like, you know, praising Jesus and missionary style forever is just gets a little, doing it for the Lord, you know? It's like, Absolutely. All right, well, hopefully this was helpful.

Absolutely it was. No, I definitely need to hear it from another, like I said, I don't have, he's my only experience. So having other male perspectives is very helpful. Okay, well, keep us posted. We'd love to know how it goes. If you guys ever get to a place where you wanna come on together and share

your experience or how things improved, I have no doubt there are literally tens of thousands of people listening to this who relate to you. And I think this is a very normal thing that couples, especially couples who grew up in very religious households and families, and not to knock it, but I just, you know, again, someone who came from a very religious background but I just, again, someone who came from a very religious background, I just, I do think there's a lot of hypocrisy and double standards and a lot of like toxicity

with like how they talk about sex. To me, it's just like always amazing. Like, when it comes to sex, Christians are all over it, but like they're very conveniently like, when it comes to the seven deadly sins, they don't seem to like, you know, pride is something they kind of conveniently ignore, you know, when it comes to a deadly sin,

but when it comes to, you know, sex and religion, it's like, oh, don't do that. As long as no one knows about it, because we all know behind closed doors there's some shit going down. Yeah, I agree. And I want to teach my daughters to that, because this really has affected marriage for us

and children, and we're only 37, and we love each other and wanna stay together, but we did have sex before we were married, and it was such a stigma, and so I feel like that has followed us. Yeah, for sure. And it's totally, you know, we want a great sex life and we want to be close and we want to say that, you know, have fun and enjoy each other and get past the season of kids

and keep going and having more fun. And I feel like it's ruined the better part, at least the first, you know, 10 years of our marriage. That it was just so it was so hard to get out of that mindset. And I don't want my girls to ever feel like that. I hear you. It can be tough. Yeah. That stigma and shame will follow you. Yeah, it's real. Yeah. That stigma and shame will follow you. It's real.

For sure. Well, thank you for the call. Good luck. Please keep us posted. Thank you. You definitely want to see how things go because again, anything you and your husband discover that you find helpful that allow you to connect,

I'm sure our audience would be very interested in hearing how that goes. Awesome, I will do it. All right, take care. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. BetterHelp. Therapy is important, it sure sure is, and we know it, we get it.

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A year and a half. When did the conversations of moving in start? Last weekend when I brought up his shortcomings in the relationship to him, we were kind of having an argument about it and then he said, well, have you ever thought about moving in? And I thought, well, no,

like our communication issues need to get better before I even consider that. Gotcha. All right, so was like last week or whatever you brought this up the first time you communicated frustrations about the relationship as well? Or has that been an ongoing conversation? A few other times.

Most of the time he just gets defensive about it though and then doesn't see where I'm coming from. Okay. What are some of your specific frustrations with him in the relationship? So whenever I come over to his house, he does not kiss me or hug me. I have to ask him to do it. Okay. How do you ask him?

I usually just say, okay, I haven't seen you and missed you. Can I have like a hug or can I have a kiss? Okay. Other things would be that he doesn't plan any dates for us ever, like doesn't even suggest to go out. It's always me that has to bring it up. And when we spoke about that, he said,

well, I don't like going places. I don't like spending money. I do those things because you want to, but in my mind, when you're in a relationship, it should kind of be both people should be coming up with ideas and stuff like that. Okay. But you do come up with ideas right now?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And it doesn't seem like he does. Okay. I kind of already asked this, but like, how are you, when you communicate your frustrations, it sounds like, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like it's, hey, I'm frustrated because you don't do this, or you do do this, or, you know, can you do this?

Am I making sense? Like you're, when you are frustrated, you're telling him what he is or isn't doing wrong, right? Yeah. And I'll usually bring it up, like I'll usually phrase it like, hey, can we have a discussion or can we talk about some things? Cause I do actively go to therapy and she said, well, make sure you use like a neutral language

when you're talking to them about stuff so that they don't view it as an attack. Sure, so when your therapist says that, what do you mean by neutral language? Well, like how I guess how I'm feeling is like, okay, I feel like I pull all the weight. So, when I brought this up, I said I feel like there's an imbalance in our relationship. Okay. Okay. Yeah, because that was the big thing I was trying to get at is how are you communicating

your frustrations to your partner? You know, it's when you say things like, you know, eventually you have to be like, hey man, you do this or don't do this, like it's you don't want to tiptoe around it. But it's kind of like, hey, I would like, can you try to be more affectionate when I come home? You know, I'd really, it would really make me feel good if you went out of your way to show more physical affection, you know, like I, you know, my love language is physical touch. Like it would really mean a lot to me if you made that our priority. It goes much farther than you never kiss me

when I get home, you know? You get what I'm saying? So, I don't know which one you're doing. But anytime it's like you never do this or you always do that, immediately they're gonna get triggered. Especially when you use words like always and never because that's all people hear. It's like you never do this, like never. I did this like one time, you know? But like saying hey would really mean a lot to me if you could do x, y, r, z, you know, I think goes a long way. So try to work on that and try to be super mindful when you're bringing stuff up. That being said, you guys should sit down. I mean, first of all, when it comes to the moving stuff,

let me, I'm getting bouncing around here. When it comes to moving stuff, I think you just immediately say, we're not there yet. You know, I hope we get there someday, but like, I really want us to work on us and our connection because I don't think our connection is where it needs to be for us to take that very serious step of moving in with each other.

And moving in with each other is not the solution to any problem that we have because he kind of said it like it is, oh, we have problems, let's move in. It'll solve everything. I'll just get, you know, we'll spend more time together so you won't be able to complain about, you know, anything that I am or am not doing. Like, that's how he's saying it. So you need to just say that won't solve our problems, you know.

But I want to work on our problems and listen. And then the way you say it too, it's like, yeah, sure, we got things we have to work on. Every couple does. So like, I'm not coming down on us, I'm not coming down on you, but there are things that I'd like us to continue to improve on. You know, I'd like us to be more physically affectionate with one another, you know? But at the same time, like I will say, it's like it is frustrating or it's annoying if you're dating someone and it feels like every time they come home, it's like, all right, I got to get up and kiss and hug my girlfriend and like it becomes a job, you know? And so, you want to make sure it does go both ways, you know? You want to be super affectionate with him, but you know, there needs to be some reciprocity.

So first, you know, you got to say, listen, the moving in stuff, listen, I'm glad you want to live with me. I'm excited to move in with you some way, you know, I really am assuming that's true. But right now, we're not ready for that. And I really would love us to be in the future, but right now, again, I'm more concerned about like, making sure that we're better communicators, we're more connected, that I'm meeting your needs

and you're meeting mine. I want us to both meet each other's needs. If I'm not meeting any of your needs, I'd love for us to talk about. And so how's that sound so far talking about? Sorry, I'm crying. Why? What's why you crying?

Just cause I have a hard time bringing stuff up to him as well. And like I try my best. So just like sex when he doesn't like take what I'm saying very well. Like when he brought up the moving thing. Sorry, go ahead. No, no, please finish. Like when I brought up when he brought up the moving in thing, right away, he said to me, well, I'm not willing to move to such and such location where you are.

And it just kind of felt like, well, it's nice to know you don't even care about like where I want to live, but you expect me to uproot my life to come to where you are. Yeah. How old are you again? 24. How old is he? 27 going on 28. Okay.

Those are valid feelings, you know, and you should be with someone who is interested in compromise and working through things. Like neither of you should be, you know, when any of these big discussions happen, moving in, getting engaged, I don't know, kids or job conversations, anything that's like, you know, any decisions that have, that will impact the two of you because you two in a relationship, needs to be talked through. And neither of you should be like leading that conversation off with a bunch of like non-negotiables, you know?

I mean, it's good to have your expectations and know where each other stand, but like, I won't do this and I won't do that. You know, like, I don't know, that's not a good starting point for a negotiation or a compromise, you know So and you need to be able to communicate that and I know it's sad That he's not communicating this way, but you know, I think you are you're only 24 You know, and I don't I don't know how you feel about being 24.

I'm sure 24 for you sounds a lot older to you than it does to me. But you're still really young and maybe he's your guy, you know, but you've only been dating this guy for a year and a half. And right now, you know, as a 24 year old woman, I would try to lean into the reality that you are younger even than you give yourself credit for

and that you have a lot of life to live. And that more than anything, as much as you might love your boyfriend and as much as you might be hoping that he is the one, and maybe he will be, that at 24 years old, making sure that you find someone who is willing to have these types of conversations with you, and is showing an interest

and stepping up in ways that you want them to step up, and that you don't have to crash and claw for a little bit of affection, you know, is something that, you know, I want you to prioritize and that's something you deserve and you can be patient and you can communicate this with him and I'm not saying you should break up with him but this is something that you shouldn't ignore, you know, and I don't think it's something that you should put up with. And I'm not, I don't know what your deadline needs to be or, you know, how much you've, you know, talked about this, but at some point, I think you at least need to have

the reality that's like that he might not be the one, I guess is what I'm saying, you know. And that's sometimes gonna be a scary feeling with someone your age who, you know, you know, when I was your age, a very common thing that I did and people my age did is you meet someone, you get super excited, you know, that honeymoon phase and then the first six months you guys are talking about all the plans that you have with each other. Oh my god, we're so like, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think we could get married and all but we're gonna get married, we're gonna do this and this and that. And then all of a sudden you're settling your relationship and these very kind of normal things happen where you know, couples aren't communicating, they're aren't connected, they're just kind

of gets, you know, they get comfortable in their ways, video games start being played, you guys kind of do your thing, you guys take each other for granted a little bit and then you have problems and then if the problems can't be resolved, then you guys are, then you're dealing with this whole like but we made all these promises to each other and it makes it extra sad and you know, and like you have to like but I always thought he would be the one and that can make it harder and harder. But if you were pragmatic about this, if you guys didn't do the whole, you know, and it's normal that you do that. But like the reality is the only midday in this guy for a year and a half.

And if you looked at the relationship, actually how it was and not how you wanted it to be or what you guys told each other early on, you might come to a different conclusion of the potential of this relationship or him. Because like, if he really is the type of guy who's always like, well listen, it's my way or the highway. I won't move, I won't do this, I won't do this. In relationship, I think X, Y, or Z, and this is how I think and feel,

and this is how I'm always gonna be, that doesn't leave you with much room to get your ex met. So you need to find out if he's willing to be flexible. And you can't be the one by yourself always going to therapy and getting notes from your therapist and then coming back and kind of being, all right, let's try this new tool that I learned from my therapist

or try to get through to my boyfriend and see if I can, you know, it's, and when you think about, you know, that, like I'm curious how, you know, when it comes to trying to get on the same page with your partner, how much energy versus how much energy you think he's putting in? Is it like 90, 10?

Yeah, something like that. Yeah. And that's not sustainable. I'm also looking at your email and it looks like you mentioned that maybe his lack of effort is financial or that's an excuse that he throws out there. Yeah. So another situation that happened a few weeks ago, he was going to the liquor store and I said, hey, can you get me like my $12 bottle of wine? Like I'll pay you back for it. Right away he says, no, no.

And I said, well, what if I, you know, I guess your guy's version, I'd be like cash app you, like the money before you go. And he says, well, no, like I only wanna pick up my own thing. I'm just kinda felt like he can't do like one thing for me. He can't pick you up a bottle of wine? Yeah.

What does he do for you? Good question. Cause that's the thing is like, then it'll be the total opposite. Cause like a couple of weeks before that, I was on my period, didn't feel good. He brings me a stuffed animal into the bedroom and then like cuddled with me all night like and I asked for that

and that was fine. So it's like kind of like feels like juggle and hide. Did you did you tell him how much you really appreciated the cuddles? Yeah. And then he wouldn't get you a bottle of wine. That's not that's nuts. Yeah. And I talked to other like my friends about that. And then my therapist as well. And they said that's totally like disrespectful and unacceptable. And when I brought it up to him, he says,

no, I'm not doing that. Yeah. I mean, these kind of weird, it's a power to me that sounds almost a little like manipulative or like he's just doing it because he wants to let, he wants to like let you know that sometimes he's just going to tell you no and that's a power thing. Like that's the only explanation I can have is to why he might do something like that because it makes no sense on its face, you know? Yeah, exactly. Like if I'm literally going to pay you before you even leave, like why are you saying no? Well, I mean that's not sustainable. So, you need to figure out why he does that. It's just like why, you know, that makes no sense. Why would you do that? And I just don't want to is not an answer.

No, it's not. And if he says, you know, and you can be like, well, sometimes you just, it seems like you decide not to do things just to like prove a point or to let me know that you don't have to, you know? And I'm assuming you would never, you know, I don't know, I don't want to speak for you but like just I'm assuming you don't do that, I don't know. No, exactly, I don't because like another example a few weeks ago, I was going to a liquor store and then I bought him

a $25 case of beer and I didn't ask him for money at all. And how did he handle that? Like he was appreciative of it, but like obviously he totally doesn't see like that I'm willing to do things for him that he is not willing to do for me. Yeah. Well, are you willing to not be with him? Yeah, like I would like to work on our communication issues and I think that I should really give myself like a timeline stick to that date. And if things haven't changed, then I would end it.

Okay, yeah, because like, listen, I commend you for trying to work on it, but like, you know, 27, 28 year old guy, sometimes they do need a wake up call, you know? And right now you're not getting through to him. You know, have you suggested couples therapy? I'm assuming yes. No, I have not getting through to him. Have you suggested couples therapy? I'm assuming yes. No, I have not.

You haven't. Okay, well that's an option. I don't know if you're, I wouldn't be shocked if he's resistant to that. But listen, all you can do is continue to do what you're trying to do, right? Which is trying to use non-aggressive language and try to, you know, get him to talk through things and get on the same page, have it not be adversarial, not try to score keep,

well, I did this because so you didn't do that. It's like, it's not about keeping score. It's not about, it's just about just the general theme of your guys' relationship is to always want to help each other out. You should always want wanna be doing nice things for each other. And if you're not, then that's just bizarre. Like there is app, every time he goes out, hey, can I get you anything? That's bare minimum. And yeah, I don't know what your guys'

financial situation is, but like, if you guys have completely separate finances, that's totally fine. But he can still ask you to pick something up because you can pay him back. When I had roommates, it was like, hey man, can I pick you up anything? I'm going to fucking the grocery store, you know? I wasn't paying for my roommate's groceries,

but if I'm going somewhere and I can help them out, you do it. Yeah, it kind of, yeah, it feels like, sometimes like I have to ask for the bare minimum and to me, that's just not acceptable. So yeah, I think you just do everything you need to do so that if you do decide to end it, you know you have no regrets. You know that you tried. You know that you tried everything. But you are only 24. You don't deserve this type of behavior. It sounds like this has always been the case in your relationship and you know,

I'm sure there are a lot of good things about their relationship but they don't mask the bad and like if you're miserable now, you're gonna really fucking hate them in five, you know, in a few years. And it's not gonna get better over time, it's only gonna get worse. You know, so I yeah, I think honestly you have a good plan. I think keep doing what you're doing. Try your best. Try to, again, keep getting connected and, and, you know, not in a threatening way, but to say, listen, like, I'm trying to do this the healthy way. I'm trying, and I'd love for us to be on the same page. But if, if you don't want the type of relationship that I want, then maybe we shouldn't be together because that's what it's about.

I want to talk with you more about what kind of relationship I want and I want to know what kind of relationship you want. You know, fine, I'll hear you out. What are your expectations of relationship? What are your expectations of yourself in a relationship? What are your expectations of me in a relationship? What are your expectations of us in a relationship? And ask to hear him out.

What is his core principles? What it means to him about being a boyfriend? How does he think he should act? And if he's just like, well, I don't think I should ever do this and or that and blah, blah, blah, you might be like, well, yeah. Well, good luck with that, buddy.

I don't want that type of relationship. Or maybe he makes a list and you make a list and you're like, well, I don't love buddy. I don't want that type of relationship. Or maybe he makes a list and you make a list and you're like, well, I don't love that, I don't love that, but like, what can we compromise on? And if he's like, well, okay, I can compromise this and can compromise that and more. It's not less about compromise or just getting on the same page.

But if he's willing to do that, then great, there's potential, but if he's not, then it's just like, you know, you have the answer you need. Because right now it sounds like a very, a very, a very typical young relationship where you guys got together based off of thinking each other were hot. You had some good chemistry, you had some fun dates and good sex. Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. It was really exciting at first. They made a bunch of promises about the future. And then you guys kind of settled into who you were

as people and as individuals without really having conversations about what it meant to each other about being a boyfriend and girlfriend. And now you are finding out over the past year about what it means to him to be your boyfriend. And you're finding out that you guys are on two very different pages

in terms of what it means to be a partner on one another. You know, if you do end this relationship, maybe this is a lesson you can learn that next time you date someone and it's really exciting, because you will, if you don't end up with him, you will meet someone else, you'll get really excited about it, you'll, you know. And yeah, it might not happen right away.

You might go through a year and a half period of like being tired of being single, I don't know, or maybe it'll happen right away, you know, but it will happen. But when it does happen, as you guys settle in, you should have these conversations about what it means to be a boyfriend and girlfriend to each other and what kind of partner they wanna be

and setting early expectations about communication, you know, early on rather than finding out over time, you know. But don't be hard on yourself. I've been in your shoes before. It's a pretty normal kind of progression in relationships but it is frustrating to find out this way. But who knows? Maybe there's hope, you know, try to keep doing

what you're doing, you know, find out what kind of boyfriend he is actually interested in being, find out what a relationship means to him, find out, you know, what is it, you know, you might not be ready to move in but what does that mean? Why? Why does he want to move in? Like, what is he, how does he think it's going to affect the relationship? And then you can share your thoughts, you know? Yeah, it's like, I'm not gonna move in with you just to like reduce your rent payment. Like if I wanna move in with you, it's gonna be an investment in us

and it's gonna be, we're gonna be buying like a house or a condom, not gonna be moving into an apartment and getting nothing out of it. Yeah, right now it sounds like that classic, he's not interested in, he's interested in having a girlfriend but not interested in being your boyfriend, you know, which... Yeah.

And he probably likes the regular sex and the, you know, and the companionship when it's convenient for him but it sounds like he is very much is only interested in having a relationship on his terms. Yeah, the sex part isn't even that frequent. Yeah. So, yeah, I think you have to, you're at a come to Jesus crossroad point where, you know, without threatening him, you're just like, listen, I'm just not happy with where things are at. I do love you and I'm very much willing to put my heart and soul

in this relationship and get on the same page but I need you to be equal parts in that. And if you are willing to be an equal partner and figuring out how, you know, we can both better meet each other's needs, then great. I'm here for the long haul. If not, also fine. Super sad about it, super disappointed. But I'm just not going to continue to be in a relationship where I feel like I'm pulling all the weight where I'm with someone who does, who refuses to do the bare minimum, who says no to me just to like, quite honestly, to be mean or just to like prove a point, you know? That's not the energy I'm looking for in a relationship.

And I, you know, as much as I love you, I don't wanna feel the way I'm feeling in this relationship because that's how it is. Like you're in a relationship and you feel shitty about it. And that's not how you should feel. Yeah, and like, when I like reflect on like how my life is right now, like that's the only thing that's actually bothering me.

Like my job's great, like my home life is great. Like the problem is our relationship. There you go, well, that's telling. And keep reminding yourself of that. Because I know it's super sad, but I'd rather you figure this out now at 24 with this guy than much later in life. And I'd rather have you ask yourself the tough questions now than later on.

Because a lot of people in your shoes, and give yourself credit for that, pat yourself on the back for being willing to do that. Because a lot of people in your shoes would say yes to the moving in part, you know, because they would feel that like, oh, he really wants to move in with me, that false sense of security. And then you would decide to ignore whatever your gut or whatever's bothering you inside for the excitement of moving in. I've literally done that. So like, I've been that person but it never works out and it never masks, it never totally solves the problem. It just masks it temporarily and puts you into a stickier, harder to get out of situation,

you know? And it sucks moving in with someone and then breaking up with them, you know? That sucks. It's even worse getting engaged and breaking up with them, you know what I'm saying? So, as tough as it is and as sad as this makes you, I would be, I would don't be afraid to give yourself credit for being willing to ask yourself these questions. And if it doesn't work out with him, you'll be better off in general for being willing to do this. Because this is you being a better communicator and being willing to have uncomfortable conversations with the people you're trying to grow a connection with because you're eventually going to always

have to have uncomfortable conversations. And if he wants to come on with you in the future as a mediation, I'll ask him what the fuck he's doing. Yeah, I didn't tell him I was going on here. That's okay. I don't think you need to, you know, that's up to you. Keep us posted how things go. We'd love to know.

We'd love to follow you on this journey. Keep your head up, you know. I know you're sad. I know it's frustrating, but good for you for addressing this now. Because no matter what, you are doing yourself an immense favor right now by not ignoring how your gut about how you feel about this relationship. And as sad as that makes you, you're going to be so much better off in the long run. And I think your idea of setting some kind of, you know, timeline is a good start.

And then between now and then do whatever you can to try to get on the same page and then follow through. All right. Thank through. All right. Thank you. All right, well, good luck. It's gonna be okay, I promise. I promise. I don't know how it's gonna end,

but I promise you this is gonna be okay. I promise. You're gonna be a happy. Okay, thank you. You're gonna be a happier person in the long run. So you're doing, you're doing, honestly you're doing as a 24 year old woman, you're doing a lot of things that I wish I was doing as a 24 year old man.

So, you're in good shape, life's a journey, you know, ups and downs, this is part of the process, but you are making smart and healthy decisions for yourself, which is really important at this point in your life. And while it doesn't, you might not get things when you want them, long run, you eventually are gonna get the life that you want as long as you continue to make these smart and healthy decisions for yourself

and be willing to have tough conversations and be willing to be communicative with your partner will lead to good things, okay? Okay. All right, take care. Okay, you too. All right, take care. Okay, you too. All right, bye bye. One Skin.

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Help your skin stay younger and healthier for longer with Oneskin. We're all thirsty for a little excitement to break up the boring and the makers of Bubbly have released a new sparkling water beverage called Bubbly Burst, a drink that flips the script on boring with a burst of bold fruit flavors. So I wanted to talk about some of the things that made me and my family burst out laughing this week. First here at the Vile Files we love watching reality TV and we watch a lot of TV to get ready for the show which is funny because we had family in town

over the weekend and they asked what we had to do. I said, well, we have some work to do. And then they were like, well, what do you mean work? Because we spent the whole Saturday just watching, you know, reality TV. And they were, well, it seemed a bit envious that what we called work, they call watching TV, which is well

made me laugh. I've obviously committed my job. Second, we're in full wedding prep and I just got my first pair of cowboy boots and Nalia says she needs to now teach me how to line dance before our welcome party which as you can imagine has been a ton of fun, created a lot of laughs between us because there's nothing more fun and funny than to goof around with my lovely fiance. And lastly our daughter River has really been making us laugh out loud with all of her fake more fun and funny than to goof around with my lovely fiance. And lastly, our daughter River has really been making us laugh out loud with all of her fake cries and weird facial expressions. We like to think that she's being dramatic.

She's just being a baby, but there is it's really keeping us keeping our spirits high and laughing out loud all the way to no sleep. So let me know what you relate to and what makes you burst out laughing this week. And don't forget to try Bubbly Burst. How's it going? Good. What's your name? My name is Mara and I'm 35.

How can we help Mara? So I'm calling in because my husband and I have been dealing with fertility and now that we're pregnant, we're struggling with work-life balance. Okay. Well, congratulations. Thanks. When you say you're struggling with work-life balance. Okay. Well, congratulations. Thanks.

When you say you're struggling with work-life balance, what do you mean? Are you talking specifically like your sex life or just generally connectedness, things like that? It's really our careers. So I can give a little bit of background if it's helpful. Yeah, please. So we've been having problems with fertility for about two and a half years. And right before we started drawing, we had a really big decision to make with our careers. We're both very dedicated to our careers. And we're both in healthcare and he's in science too.

And we moved for his job. I was doing really, really well in my career and right out of takeoff point where things were gonna go really well for me. And he had a big decision to make because he was offered two really competitive positions that would have basically guaranteed he was successful. But that time they were in cities that were really expensive. And we kind of felt like it might interfere with our ability to have a family and it would

interfere with my job. So we decided to stay here for me. Very shortly after that, he regretted it because everything started going horribly with his job at the same time that it was going really, really well with mine. But then we took solace in the fact that we were, you know, gonna start a family.

And unfortunately it didn't work as planned and it took us a really long time. After about a year, we started looking into fertility treatments, kind of had some bumps in the road, and then finally started trying fertility treatments. Did two rounds of IUI and then a third finally last month, which worked. But again, things kind of lined up right at a crux in his career. A couple months ago, he found out that the person

he works with as his mentor is leaving where we are, and ideally he would be moving with them. Right before I found out I was pregnant, we were going back and forth on should he go, should we spend a year apart? Do we just figure things out here? I felt a lot of guilt after he stayed here the first time because A his career wasn't working out and B we didn't have the baby that we were hoping for. So I'm kind of faced with that position again. When I finally told him or when we found out we were pregnant, he was really excited and he suddenly switched to okay, we'll make it work here.

But I have this guilt that is he eventually going to regret that? And then also, you know, if the pregnancy doesn't work out because that can happen, is he going to regret the decision to stay here again? **Jay】 Sure. These are tough decisions for sure. When you're telling your story, I get the sense that it's like you, there seems to be a lot of obviously love and a desire for compromise, a willingness to make sacrifices. I'm hearing all that in your story, you know. But I also weirdly, what I don't hear necessarily is as a couple, it doesn't seem like you guys are on the same page as a couple, you know. It's like you're both individually career focused.

And it sounds like you both respect that the other person prioritizes their career because as an individual you do. So it's like, hey, I am, you are, we both respect that each other is, and you both wanna support each other in your individual like focus on your career. But what I'm not hearing is we are a couple, we are a family, this is our goal

as a family, how do we meet this goal as a family, you know, and it doesn't really matter necessarily who it comes from. At the same time, how do you also, you know, scratch the itch of you guys as individuals so you both kind of feel a sense of accomplishment as individuals? But you know what I'm saying? I'm not hearing that like common goal, you know, because you guys are seem to always be, you know, fighting against, you know, not disappointing the other person or, you know, the individual because like I'm hearing the individual goals. The only relationship goal is to have a kid. Fine. That's great. So far, congratulations, you met that goal. And like you said, you know, you don't know what the future could hold, but like that was really

great and wonderful news. But other than like the fact you guys wanted to be parents together, it doesn't sound like there's a lot of like conversations or you guys are on the same page in terms of like how are you guys as a couple gonna support your family? Where do you want to live? What sacrifices you guys willing to make? You know, you mentioned like, oh, he had an opportunity a couple years ago to take a job but that would not have required you to live in a city that would be harder to raise a family. I don't know, maybe temporarily. You know, right now, Nali and I live in LA. It's not exactly like we're not in love with the idea of raising kids in LA. This is where we are right now. This is our home. This is where work is and you know, we might live

here for the foreseeable future but like, I don't know, maybe not. I don't know what the future holds but we have a plan for us and our family, you know, type of thing. And plans change, but there is a common goal, you know, for our family. Am I making any sense? Yeah, no, that definitely makes sense. I think you're right. I think a lot of it's my husband. I have very different ways of how we see things. For me, you know, having a successful family and life means job security, some success in my job,

financial security. And then I just like have had this or the last couple of years, I just kind of want to settle down and be in a place. For him, it's a little different. He feels like financially, it'll work out. And actually, one of the big things I didn't mention is in the interim, we bought a house in a very bad market. So if we were

to up and move, it'd be a massive financial loss. And that scares me a lot going into having a child. Can you rent? So I agree. I think- Can you rent it out? Like your house, if you moved, could you not sell your house and choose to rent it instead? We could. I think it would, the markets changed a lot since we bought it. So, and we're in a pretty competitive market or we're in a pretty competitive market. So, and we're in a pretty competitive market or we're in a pretty competitive market. So I think we would take a pretty big loss.

Okay. But I'm just saying like, what if you didn't sell it and you chose to rent it out and not take the loss and then just cover your expenses with rent? Yeah, it's possible. I think we'd have a little bit of loss just because the mortgage is still gonna be quite a bit more than what we get rented for.

We're in one of those cities that it's just everything's insane. And we'd potentially be moving to a city where everything's insane. Yeah. Listen, that's possible and you might have to decide. And I don't know what amount we're talking here. Like, what is the amount? What kind of loss are we talking here? Probably like 400,000. Okay. That's a lot of money. We're in one of those, you know, really expensive cities. And that's a loss you would take right now?

Probably after like realtor fees and just the drop in the market. That's tough. That's a tough call. Yeah, that's a real big chunk of change. I'm still going to say this next part, which is like, you can always make more money. There is that, you know, in the grand scheme of things, you just guys, you can always make more money. There is that, you know, in the grand scheme of things, you just guys, you're gonna have to decide what's a priority. I know that's very much easier for me to say than for you guys to swallow so to speak. I'm just saying like, it sounds like if nothing else, you and your husband are both highly educated, successful, smart people that you'll be able to figure it out.

And it's a lot easier to be motivated to figure it out when you know that like the real goal is to you guys be a family, raise a kid and give them what they need to have happy and fulfilling lives. My guess is you guys are always gonna have some kind of upper middle class first rate life regardless. But yeah, and again, while renting it, you might have to

take a little loss, but maybe renting it is a short-term loss that you can, you know, not, you know, it's like maybe you'll take, it might cost you a little bit every month, right? Maybe you're like a thousand dollars in the hole every month. I don't know what it is. But maybe that because a $400,000 loss is huge, you know, maybe it's like better to lose a little bit of money by renting it and then wait for the market to recover so that, you know, it's not so much of a huge loss. I'm not the real estate guy. I'm not the finance guy. But I mean, I think you can look at your options if you haven't fully looked at all your options, I would do that. But before you do that, again, I think you and your husband need to sit down and

be like, what is our goal as a couple? And what are we trying to accomplish as a couple? Because right now, you're both trying to support each other's individual trying to support each other's individual paths and you're trying to be good sports, but it's really hard to do, you know? Because at some point when it's in conflict, someone's gonna make a sacrifice and like at some point you're gonna have to make sacrifices regardless, but when it's for the stated common goal, I think it's easier to swallow, you know? If that makes any sense. Yeah, I think that's definitely true. I feel like what's been really hard is we kind of like had a sense of who we were and what we wanted two and a half years ago.

And then just having this two and a half years of I don't know if we're ever going to get the thing we want. I don't know what the next step is. I don't know if we're going to have to save up for IVF, which wasn't covered by our insurance and such. So it's I feel like we're finally coming out of it and try to figure out, okay, who are we? What do we want?

And then, you know, I agree that there probably are ways we can make it happen by moving. But suddenly, since my husband found out, he's like, okay, we're staying here. I'll figure it out here. You know, he's kind of on the same page as what I had hoped he would be. But I do, you know, I guess it really takes some conversation with him to figure out is that actually what you want or you're just feeling that. Now, because we've been and maybe it is. And have you ever have you ever have you guys ever talked or have you acknowledged

just the fact that like you still feel a little bit of guilt or sadness about the job he had to give up a couple years ago? Yeah, definitely. It was a hard year and a half after that happened. Like he was I think he didn't he thought he could kind of graciously help me out. And then after it started happening, he was just miserable all the time. And we'd fight all the time. It was really hard for him not to take it out on me.

And then is that kind of getting better? Is that something that he could find? Is that something he is that a job that he could find? Is that something he could, is that a job that he could try to get back or? Yeah, things were kind of turning around here until his mentor decided to leave and then it just like put us right back in the same situation again.

But I think there are ways to make things work here, just gonna be harder for him and it's been hard for him for so long. So that's what's kind of the struggle. So assuming everything goes well with the pregnancy like do you guys have you guys had conversations about like who's going to be maybe the primary breadwinner and who's going to be the primary caregiver or do you guys both want to work and have a nanny like have you had conversations around that? Yeah it's kind of a weird dynamic because we kind of started out in the same pathway and then I finished earlier.

I've been working for eight years now while he's been still in training. So I've been by far the primary breadwinner for the last eight years. But we've always kind of had this understanding that because his career is longer and more complicated, it kind of takes priority. And then, you know, I think when we started out,

that was always our mentality, but it's changed over the last couple of years as my career took off a bit. So it's tricky because I probably for a long time will continue to be kind of the primary breadwinner, but my job's also set up in such a way that I don't work as often, I'd have more time at home. So I think to answer your question,

we probably either do like daycare or nanny, but we still both like really care about advancing our careers. So it's a tough dynamic too, as to who's kind of the one that's gonna take the spotlight some of the times. Yeah, it is tough. But I mean, the reality is sacrifices

are gonna need to be made. It just is, I don't know, there's no way around it. The fact that you guys are, wanna have a happy and healthy marriage and you want to be parents and raise your kids, like, you know, that's just sacrifices need to be made, you know? Like it's something that's like I was, I had to fly to Austin, Texas on Saturday for 13 hours and then fly back and then fly back to Austin, Texas on Tuesday for 18 hours because I had some opportunities there to present at South by Southwest. But because, you know,

Nali and I just had our daughter, you know, it was difficult for her to come and obviously we didn't want to bring River on a plane in a crowd. So I just chose to do that. And that's just like one very small example, not compared to what you guys are dealing with. But like Nali and I were talking last night, just how like, like how our lives have changed, you know? Had we not had River, Nali and I would have had a fun long weekend in Austin, Texas. We would have got a nice hotel. We would have made a trip out of it. You know, we would have spent a few days. We would have done some stuff and we would have recorded a podcast episode in Austin, Texas and South by Southwest

and we would have done all these things and yada yada, we would have had a ton of fun. And now that we have a daughter, our life is different and it's changed and you know, she's only five weeks old, so maybe in the future we'll be able to do other things and we will be less restricted because we don't have a newborn. But the point is having a family requires a couple to make sacrifices. It changes things. You don't get to make decisions as individuals and it just changes things. So the fact that you guys are expecting parents, it's just you're gonna have to sit down together and just figure it out, you know? And you're gonna have to make some tough choices, you know? But like, pretending that tough choices don't need to be made and just be like, well, let's just figure it out. And we'll just, I don't know what that means,

but like, let's just keep both keep working and we'll, you know, that's tougher to do, you know? keep working and we'll, you know, that's tougher to do, you know? Because you know, you don't want to feel resentment and you don't want to have him do things for that he doesn't really want to do or vice versa. Because like, all right, so like right now he's just like, all right, fine, well, I'll just stay here. I'll figure it out. That might be the solution, you know? And you can say to him, first of all, just thank you as always for being willing to make incredible sacrifices for me and our family. So thank you. That being said, let's just pause for a second before we commit to anything and talk about what that looks like. And how do you really feel about it? Because you guys need to not just make decisions for the next six months,

as you've already learned that you make a decision and those ramifications can have a hangover effect for years to come. You know, these decisions shouldn't be, you know what, fuck it, I'll just stay here, we'll figure it out, whatever decision made. That's not how you guys should be making this decision. It's like, all right, let's sit down, let's talk about it. Let's kind of go through our whole, you know,

sounds like you guys are your scientists. So like, you guys know how it is to like work through potential problems and, you know, hypothesize the end and the outcomes and reverse engineer situations. And yeah, you know, you can do that with your relationship. You guys can talk things through and if we make this decision, what does that look like? We've made that decision, what do you look like and what's the best decision for us? What sacrifices will need to be made? If someone's making sacrifices here, what are maybe the plan in the future? Because like right now, it sounds like if you guys stay here,

your career will tend to be the priority, you'll continue to be the priority, you'll continue to be the breadwinner. And his career will be very much in flux. Yeah, that's true. And okay, so maybe that's a decision, but like what does influx mean for his career? I don't know. He's like, yeah, it's true. And OK, so maybe that's a decision. But like, what does influx mean for his career? You know, I don't know.

You know, he's like, yeah, it's influx. But, you know, eventually I'll get it. I don't know what a mentor means in his space or whatever. But like, does he need a mentor to succeed? I don't know. Like or does he lose his job if his mentor moves? Like, what what are we dealing with? So simple, long story short. But he basically at the end of this has to get a really big

grant so that he can get a lab and he needs someone to be on that grant. So he's trying to figure out, can he find someone here that'll do that? But there's just where we are just doesn't have good research. So, which we didn't realize when we came here. But it would, I think it's possible, but it's, he's just going to keep having these challenges to overcome like he's been doing the last two years. Gotcha. And how old is he?

He's 34. Okay. What's his end goal for his, what is both your end goal for your career? So when I first started out, all I wanna do is just, I'm in healthcare. I just wanted to work in healthcare and that was it. And then after we came here,

I kinda got a taste of some more leadership positions and I want to kind of keep doing some teaching along with health care, which also makes my work-life balance a lot better because I work from home half the time now, which otherwise I would have been like in the hospital all the time. For him, he wants to have a lab and that's kind of his main goal. And it's interesting because just what you were saying made me think of this. When we first started dating 11 years ago, he would always say to me, my work's always going to be my priority. It will not be my... Like, I love my family and I want to have family.

It's important to me, but my work always come first. And I always immediately thought to myself, sure, sure, sure, let him say that. He doesn't mean it. And this whole time, I've always believed he really doesn't mean it. He just says that because he thinks he should. But it's anytime something like this comes up, he always says to me, I didn't lie to you. I told you this was going to be my priority.

So it's been like a really tough thing to work through. That's tough. But yet, on the flip side, his actions say otherwise. Exactly. Yeah. You know, he was willing to give up the dream job and now he's willing to stay, you know? So I'm just kind of fan. You don't usually hear someone, you know, to say that is very direct and can be very

hard to hear. It's honest and I definitely don't advise people to not believe their partners when they say things like this. And yet, so far, technically, his actions show that he were right, which is kind of counterintuitive. Have you ever asked him about that? Yeah, a lot of it. So, he grew up without a dad or his dad left when he was very young and he's been, I guess, he's really good kind of understanding his own emotions and he's

been very clear that he feels he has to be successful to show his dad that he was wrong to leave. And he knows that it doesn't work that way. His dad probably doesn't even know what's going on, but he's just kind of always had this mantra of, I have to be the best because then I made it. That's what I mean. I don't know. My two cents is I would think he would want to be

the best father he could be because his dad was such a shit one. I don't know what his dad's doing. I doubt his dad did not leave him because he's like, I don't think my little boy is gonna be successful someday. I don't know why he left or what his issue was, but I'm pretty sure it was that. And for all you know, maybe his dad,

does he know where his dad is or what he's doing? He does, he doesn't have any contact with him anymore. He left when he was like two years old. Is his dad successful or something? Is he a successful person? No, he's kind of a loser. Okay. So, yeah, that seems like a weird motivation. But whatever. I mean, I would continue to like just talk with your husband about that stuff. Explore those feelings, you know.

Therapy sounds like maybe like a cool option for you guys. Because these are tough conversations, you know, and these are tough issues and they're not necessarily something that I don't think you guys can like have one conversation and solve. Because there are like, because sacrifices do need to be made and quite honestly, you're not really sure how you're going to feel about any said sacrifices and you also know that life changes. You guys make, you make a decision based on the information you have now, but information in the future might change and it might change the landscape of things.

And so you kind of have to be flexible, but what you have as each other, that can be something you guys can count on. You can hopefully count on the fact that no matter what life presents you guys, you guys will always be willing to sit down, figure it out together and know that is, you know, not to sound cheesy, but as long as you guys have each other and hopefully you're a healthy baby, that like you guys will figure it out, you know? Because what you do have, a lot of people don't have. You have your health,

you have your education, you have your education, you guys have money. The fact that you are in a position to even take a $400,000 loss tells me that you guys are pretty successful. Now success is relative and yeah, you're talking to someone who like, quite honestly, it's never enough.

That's something I have to work on. But big picture, you guys are doing pretty well, you know? And you know, you can always make more money. And I'd love for him to work on this having to prove this father he has no relationship with wrong because that's a lot of wasted energy. And I am glad that his actions show otherwise, you know? But I also wouldn't ignore that he's saying that. He's saying that for a reason. It's coming from somewhere and it needs to be addressed. Yeah, I think you're right. I'm guessing therapy is a great place to work through that.

Yeah, I think you're right. We tried, oh gosh, I forget what it was called, but it was like an online thing where we did some modules together and then went to a facility. It wasn't quite therapy and I don't think it was as useful because- That's a start. At least you guys are willing to do stuff, but like, you know, couples therapy can be beneficial.

Also, you know, like he's got some shit to work through, you know, knowing that his father left him at a young age and knowing that he is making decisions as an adult as a result of that is A, normal but B, a sign that he is still working through stuff and it's still affecting him. And the fact that he is making some very significant life choices based off of something that happened to him as a very, as a boy, just when you say it out loud like that is like, I bet he can recognize the foolishness and that logic as a scientist.

It's like, wait, I don't know what the analogy as a scientist would be, but I bet you could come up with one. And I bet it would be like eyeopening for him to be like, wait, he's basically running experiments with bad data and he's making, he's making decisions with bad data, you know, and he's having a hard time processing his own feelings because probably most of the time he's probably repressed them, you know, he's probably hasn't been told to like really acknowledge them and just

create that safe space for him. But yeah, in the meantime, I think you guys just need to get on the same page as a couple around what your relationship goals are. And he needs to stop saying, my relationship will always be the priority. Because right now, you know, I don't know how old you guys were when he said that to you. In our early 20s, it was a long time ago.

It's a crazy time, you know, but like it's been a long time and now life's changed and now you guys are pregnant. And so, you know, for him to say that to you, knowing that everything you guys have gone through as a couple and now that you are pregnant, that's a very scary thing to hear as I'm assuming, it's like, oh, well, you're literally telling me

that you might leave your child or me because if he's basically, you know, he's threatening you with like, if it came to it, if he had to choose his relationship over his family, he would choose his relationship or his family, his career rather, I'm sorry, which is again, his actions say otherwise, but like that's not something you want to hear. Well, it's interesting because he tells me, you know, I guess he would never he's saying they would never leave. That's something he feels very strongly about. He just would prioritize his attention towards work.

But what is interesting with the other takeaway he has from his experience as a kid is that he wouldn't have a kid very badly. He's like, I don't know, father, I want to be a father. And that's really important to me. So it is, you're right, there's those two conflicting things he took away from this. Well, it's good to hear that like, yeah, he never wants to leave, but he needs to understand

that like, fair enough, and I appreciate you never wanting to leave and I understand the, I'm career driven too, so I get that. But I also need a partner who wants to be my partner. And I need to be with someone who also wants to be in this with me. And if you're telling me that I have a choice between like being in a marriage or raising a kid on my own, well, my partner prioritizes his career,

you didn't sign up for that per se. Listen, you guys have a lot of conversations to have. Listen, you guys have a lot of conversations to have. I'd and I just continue to, you know, I'll just do this and then muscling through is not the solution, you know? So again, my short-term advice would say, listen, thank you for once again, being willing to like make the sacrifices you already have made and continue to make

for me and the family. But can we sit down and just talk through this? Everything's on the table. You know how we felt about having you to give up this one opportunity and the resentment and again, thank you for doing that. I'm glad you're doing it. And again, it also changes things. Like, I don't know, like you become a father and it's just like to me, you know, now that I'm a father, it's like I'm still career motivated, you know, but it's all for the sake of the family. And as long as I can take care of my family, then I'm happy, you know? And so, as long as you guys can take care of each other and your child, then maybe you'll find

joy in that, you know? But it's harder for him, you know, as a 22, 21-year-old man, he couldn't see his future or understand that. and just talk through things, I guess. I don't know if this was helpful at all. I don't know. Yeah, that is really good advice. And I think now that we've found out that I'm pregnant, I can see that he's starting to shift into that role of this is something that's important to me. So probably is a really good time to sit down and talk through these things again, now that he kind of understands that this would change you and what that means to him. Also, and how old are you?

20, or 35. Yeah, you're both in your early to mid 30s. Still pretty young. I can tell you right now, I did not plan on having my first kid at the age that I had my first kid. I did not plan at buying my first house at the age in which I bought my first house.

I did not plan to finally feel settled in my career at the age in which I finally felt settled in my career. But I also like, now that I have all those things in my life, I'm so glad that I was as patient and waited as long as I did because like, I could not be living a more like, picturesque life right now and who knows that might change You know, I don't know what the future holds for me But like I'm doing what I love with the person I love I have an I have a great I'm living a charmed fucking life Right now when you're when you're 34 and someone says yeah, you got to wait to your your early 40s. I have this Kind of sucks

You know, so I only say that because like yeah wait to your early 40s to have this, kind of sucks. So I only say that because like, yeah, maybe he might have to, you know, he made, he already he's already made sacrifices career as a 31 year old, 30, you know, 30 year old man or whatever. And now he's potentially faced with doing that again as a 34 year old man. Okay, that sucks. And then it didn't plan. But it's still on the table. You know, what if he doesn't get a lab until he's 45? Yeah, right now, he's just like, are you fucking kidding me? But 45, sadly, I can promise you, comes fast. You realize. And then when you're 45,

you know, it might be the lab that he finally wants in a place in a city that he wants, because right now, what I'm also hearing, not fully understanding the scope of what you guys do for work, it's not as flexible, you know, it's like, oh, if I want to do this and I have to do it here and if I, you know, but do I want to do it here? And like there's certain variables. Well, when it comes to that, like the more you are in a rush to get settled, the more sacrifices you have to make. The more patient you are, the more you can maybe have the job that you want and the city that you want it to be in. But it will require more patience

because it's gonna require you to say no to a lot of opportunities that sound really good but aren't exactly what you want. And yeah, that can be scary because maybe you're passing on opportunities that like, oh, should I have taken this? I don't know. You get what I'm saying?

So like, he might be, you know, you guys, I get big picture wise, you guys are financially secure. As a couple, you guys are gonna be fine financially. That's the takeaway I'm hearing. How you're gonna be fine, who's making what money, and whose job gets priority in the short run to be decided. But I'm also hearing that everything you both want as individuals and as a couple are very

much on the table for you guys. It just might require more patience and a longer timeline than either of you expected. But let's not like, let's just remember that like, you'll eventually, you know, 10 years will go by fast. There can be a time where he can be the person whose career is the priority. Because I guess what I'm saying is I don't, I never think to myself, not once, I've thought to myself, boy, I really wish I would have gone on reality TV as a 25 year old so that I could have my own show and podcast as an early 30 year old, because I'd be happier now if I had those things

earlier in life. That thought has never crossed my mind. But the way I look at life now is I'm so appreciative of all the struggles and all the trials and errors and all the things that I try to do only to realize that's not for me. So I could find my way and to do what I'm doing today. So I'm always, I'm just grateful for where I'm at. I don't really, you know, care about how I got here. And in fact, if anything, I'm always, I'm just grateful for where I'm at. I don't really, you know, care about how I got here. And in fact, if anything, I'm grateful that it actually took me as long as I could. I just know that if today Nick would have met like 29-year-old Nick and been like, hey, just so you know, you're gonna get everything you want and more. In fact, you can't even like fathom how great it's gonna be. But you'll be 40. You'll be 40 when

you buy your first house. You'll be 43 when you have your first kid. And if that's all I knew, I would have freaked out. I would have been like, are you fucking kidding me? You know, like, that's fucking crazy. I don't want to wait that long. But you know, that's just a little perspective. I don't know if it's helpful, but big picture, you guys. Everything that you want to have, both of you, sounds like very much on the table. It's just going to require a conversation, a little bit of flexibility, getting on the same page, having a common goal as a couple and being more conversations around that rather than trying to both support each other as individuals. Because that's what you're trying to do now. And that's harder to do.

And then just remind each other that you can both still have it. It's just how can we be patient and support each other in the short run? Yeah, that definitely makes sense. Thinking like, you know, what is this all going to drop us in 10 years rather than what does it look like for me in the next five? What does it look like for you in the next five? Yeah, because that's what you're doing now. And it's that's how how do you reconcile that? I don't know. That's can we be be where we wanna be as a family in 10?

That's a lot more doable, you know? Yeah, totally. That's a really good idea. I think, you know, we gotta sat down, about what is the next five years, like you said, look like for you, for him and his lab. And I tried to kind of stab it, but I think you're right that they came like as a family,

what are our goals and how do we get there and what are the things we have to do to get there? Yeah. And if he wants to come on with you and we can talk it through as a threesome, you know, do a little mediation, I'm down. I really think, you know, again, like I think about, you know, my, I've always been very career focused but boy, it's certainly, it did not go the way I planned it, you know? And I very much felt unsettled with where I was. I have always been very career motivated my whole life. I've always been money motivated my whole life. You know, I've always had this great desire to love what I do for work because I like to work and I like to be productive. So, it was always really important to me to love what I do. And again, I just, how I got here is

so outside of where I thought how I would but I couldn't be happier. But I just know that it required a lot of patience and perspective and it required a lot of giving up the expectations I set for myself as an early 20-year-old and recalibrate you know, my plan so to speak and lengthen my plan you know, and stop putting like because like I've joked about this before like I remember turning 25 and having like a quarter-life crisis because I was like oh, I'm 25 and I haven't met any of my goals. It's like, who cares? Like when did 25 become this great barometer of success? Like it's not as if like at 25, every 25 year old gets together and meets like the world

and it's like, are you a loser or are you a winner? Like it doesn't happen. You know, these are just individual expectations we set in ourselves that, you know, will affect our happiness even though it shouldn't necessarily. So reset. Yeah, definitely. And it's another thing too that made me think of is my husband keeps saying if I

get to this end point but I did it the wrong way that people will think I'm a loser and I don't think that's true but I think it's I think you're right that we really just have to think about the end goal and not what does it look like along the way. What people? Say that again, sir. So like who are the people? Like what people will think he's a loser? Like who is he even referring to? Other people in science. I don't know that I believe that at all, but he really, I think he just saw this pathway for himself

and the pathway he took is a very regimented one. So he feels like if he steers off of that, then he didn't do it the right way. I've never believed that. I don't think a lot of people do because a lot of people do. You should tell him to read about concrete thinkers. He is definitely that, 100%. Well, if he needs to recognize that before you, you recognizing it doesn't do him a lot of good but you should read it on there. Because being a concrete thinker can be, you know, limit you

a lot. And I know that I was a lot more of a concrete thinker when I was younger. And my ability and willingness to like recalibrate my plan or my expectations for myself or what I thought I should be, you know, I had to try and fail at some jobs and not necessarily even fail, I just didn't like them, you know. So it felt like, you know, I just didn't like them. So, it felt like I had to have failed relationships. I don't know how much of my reality TV history you're aware of, but I certainly met a lot of criticism along the way. It's been 10 years since I first went on the bachelor. I mean, like, do you have a fucking

job Nick? You're 15 minutes of fame and blah, blah, blah. Like I've been fucking Hollywood for 10 fucking years. But to get to where I am today, I had to deal with a lot of criticism, a lot of judgment, a lot of people doubting me, a lot of people saying I should have done X, Y and Z and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But my ability to tune out the noise and stay the path and just be flexible and just put my, you know, have more of a long-term goal and just keep working at things being with a willingness to fail and then learn and then adjust is like yeah, it took me a much longer than I had planned but boy, now that I got to where I am today, it's like I true like not to like I pinned like I'm like my I couldn't be more lucky than I am today.

Sometimes it's like, well, how could it all have worked out? And again, I always prepared for like a year from now, my life could be in total shambles for all I know. I don't know. I hope not but you can't predict the future. I really think for as far as you and your husband goes, if you guys can try to get out of the, well, at 22, I was planning, you know, because that's what it you and your husband goes, if you guys can try to get out of the, well, at 22, I was planning, you know, because that's what it sounds like your husband's doing. It's like he

still can't let go of the man he told himself he should be at a certain time and doing it a certain way. And boy, none of that fucking matters. It just doesn't. I doubt you guys planned on having fertility struggles and conceiving in the way you did, but who gives a shit? You did and now you're pregnant. And that's all that matters, right? How you got pregnant, who gives a fuck? That's true. And we definitely, we were just saying the other night,

we definitely appreciate it a lot more than we would have. I was really scared to be a mom and I wasn't even sure if I'm one of the kids. And now I'm very sure and I'm very happy about it. So, we're kind of grateful that, I mean, assuming this works out, we're very grateful that we went through what we did. So, lean into that. Lean into the newness of being parents and the flexibility that is required of being parents and knowing that there's so much about life that you just can't predict or know until your child shows up and even then, it's still going to be very unpredictable.

Lean into that. Let that be the priority. Let you guys be the priority and then everything else will follow suit and just allow both of you to be a little bit more open-minded and flexible about how you finally reach your long-term goals, but know that they are long-term goals and they don't need to be met in the next two to five years. That's really good advice. Cool.

That's something you can do. All right, well, keep us posted. We'd love to know how you guys work through this because these are definitely tough conversations that I know a lot of couples face. Awesome, well, thanks so much. I appreciate your time. Thank you, all right, take care.

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