The Viall Files - E728 Ask Nick - Roommates Bangin, Doors Open

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hinge is the dating app designed to be deleted. Why? Hinge gives you a sense of somebody's personality. It lets you share your own. You get to know potential dates through their unique answers to prompts, plus get a sense of someone's dating intentions and what they're looking for. Obviously we've talked about Leia's success story,

Starting point is 00:00:21 her sister meeting her husband on Hinge, but I would also just like to say as someone who is currently on Hinge in pursuit of my own success story, her sister meeting her husband on Hinge, but I would also just like to say as someone who is currently on Hinge in pursuit of my own success story, I have recently started using HingeX, which is their kind of like premium subscription service. And I'm so excited because you get a lot more kind of control over specific filters. And one of the filters I'm most excited about

Starting point is 00:00:43 is I can actually filter out people based off of their dating intentions. You always talk about dating with intentions. I'm trying to find someone looking for a long-term relationship or a life partner. So being able to filter out the people who are maybe looking for something more casual, I'm just very optimistic about having a much

Starting point is 00:01:01 more specific group of people who might be right for me. I love that for you. Love, love, love, love. So if you are dating like Ali, then you got to go ahead and check out Hinge and HingeX because it is truly the app designed to be deleted and we love a good prompt, we love a good conversation starter. Enough of the you, what's up, hey, yo, start the conversations because that's lame.

Starting point is 00:01:25 No, let's take advantage of these wonderfully thought out prompts and get those conversations started so you can meet someone and delete the app. On Hinge, there are no rules, timers, or games. If you're feeling inspired, give Hinge a try. Download Hinge today and find someone worth deleting the app for. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to a new and exciting episode of The Vile Files. I'm your host, oh, welcome back to a new and exciting

Starting point is 00:02:04 episode of The Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host, oh, welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the Vile Viles Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick, joined by the household of Ali, Leia, and sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet boy Justin. Oh, I'm sorry, Scooter. Yeah, my nickname really dropped off. Scooter, sorry. Just have to, Ali Scooter and sweet, sweet, sweet boy Justin.

Starting point is 00:02:20 People love the Scooter nickname too. Yeah. Scoots McGoots. Scoots McGoots. Scoots McGooz. Scoots McGooz. Hopefully people will forget the origin of the nickname and it'll just be cool. I won't. Never. I won't. Never.

Starting point is 00:02:31 All right. Zoom, zoom. All right. Nick, I finally understand what it's like to be a parrot. Really? My cat will keep me up all night. Love her? Really clingy. But in the best way possible.

Starting point is 00:02:42 You're not getting sleep. No. How does it make you feel to hear him say that about his cat? It's fine. I don't, I'm not one of those people who's like, really clingy, but in the best way possible. You're not getting sleep. No. How does it make you feel to hear him say that about his cat? It's fine. I don't, I'm not one of those people who's like, oh, don't compare your pussy to my kid.

Starting point is 00:02:53 I'm just kidding. Sorry. I do spoil her like she was a baby, like a human baby. As he should. Yeah. Listen, I mean, there's like, just because, you know, if his cat's keeping him up, then, you know, no sleep is no sleep. It doesn't make it more precious or important, you know, if his cat's keeping him up, then, you know, no sleep is no sleep.

Starting point is 00:03:05 It doesn't make it more precious or important, you know. True. Yeah. But I'm happy that you are enjoying your cat. Yeah, you're enjoying your cat? No, I am, yeah. She's sweet. Most people get cats so they don't have to do a lot of work.

Starting point is 00:03:17 Yeah, but they're more work than people think. Or at least I'm trying to live up to the Allie. This is what I texted her. I was like, Allie and Kiki are my goals where I want to bring the cat everywhere with me. So we're working up to that. I am allergic to cats up to the Allie. This is what I texted her. I was like Allie and Kiki are my goals where I want to bring the cat everywhere with me. So we're working up to that. I am allergic to cats though. I am too.

Starting point is 00:03:29 She doesn't shed that much. Is she a very short haired cat? Yeah. Okay, I'm less allergic to those cats. I'll bring you an Allegra. A Benadryl. Anyways, we've got a great episode for you today. Also, just as a reminder,

Starting point is 00:03:40 if you haven't listened to our episode with Joey and Kelsey that dropped last Thursday, go back and listen to that. because I don't know what the fuck you're missing. Maybe the most interesting interview that Joey and Kelsey, for that matter, have ever given finally to people. Absolutely. I actually feel like they got to talk to humans rather than like two people on a reality TV show. Who would have thought?

Starting point is 00:04:00 Anyways, we also have the one and only Daisy this week on Going Deeper. Another opportunity to actually get to know these people outside of the structure that is The Bachelor. And tomorrow, a groundbreaking episode of Reality Recap. Woo, it's going to be fun. It's a big week as always here at the Vilefile household. Apparently the household has a game they want to play. They didn't want to tell me about it.

Starting point is 00:04:23 Hope it lands. Yeah, we hope. Ooh, here we go. Here we go. It's a fun one, go for it. Well, we have a fun game of Guess Who. So the way this game is gonna work is you have to guess who this happened to

Starting point is 00:04:37 or who did this from the household sitting in the room here. Just not Derek, Allison, or Kyle? No, it's just the three of us here. So not Derek, Allison, or Kyle. No, it's just the three of us here. So Justin, Allie, or myself. So Justin will read all of them. They're all written in first person, but you have to guess who it happened to, and then we can go from there.

Starting point is 00:04:58 This will be easy. I predict I'm gonna do well. Okay, we'll see. I could be wrong. We'll see. I could be wrong. I wanna put it out there. This is either do I know the audience or so that the audience can flame me for getting it wrong because certainly we know I definitely think

Starting point is 00:05:13 They should guess as well. I think that'd be fun in the comments or just Sure, but a lot of people be like, ah, it's hard to comment. That's true. Get those keyboards ready It's hard to comment. That's true. Get those keyboards ready. Get those sounds ready. Beat Nick. I was gonna say that in the comments. All right, ready, let's go.

Starting point is 00:05:31 Okay, first one. Do we need a ding-a-ling for these songs? What? Like a ring, like a. Isn't a ding-a-ling. What the hell is that? Like a tune. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Starting point is 00:05:43 You mean for these like. If you get it right. little games that we're playing? If you get it right. Yeah, like some sort of game show. Yeah, you know what? We'll get Kyle on it. We'll get Kyle on it, yeah. All right, so we will have a cool sound.

Starting point is 00:05:54 All right, play music. Now. Cue music. Cue music. Okay. Keyboard that way, didn't it? All right, go ahead. Okay, first one is,

Starting point is 00:06:02 I had someone catfish as me on a dating app. That's it? That's it, yeah. Justin. Yep, that was me. All right, one for one. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Can I get a ding?

Starting point is 00:06:12 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. All right. Second one is, I had a rich man get me a private car from the airport before we'd even met. Leia's been in a relationship since she was seven. That excludes her. You'd be surprised.

Starting point is 00:06:31 No, I'm kidding. You never know. Oh, this could go both ways. This could go either way between Ali and Justin. I want to say Justin, but I think I want to say it one more time. I had a rich man get me a private car from the airport before we'd even met. Ali. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

Starting point is 00:06:52 ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

Starting point is 00:07:00 ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding He already told me that. Okay, we do. We weren't sure if you'd remember. Okay. Three for three. Three for three. Next one. I had a sugar daddy who owned a record label.

Starting point is 00:07:08 What the heck? Why is that so stupid? Wait, why did you answer that so quickly? Yeah, you're right. But how did you, literally I had a sugar daddy, Justin. Okay, well. He worked at Trader Joe's. That's true, he remembers that story.

Starting point is 00:07:24 Was it from Trader Joe's? It was a Trader Joe's. That's true, he remembers that story. Was it from Trader Joe's? It was a Trader Joe's sugar daddy. Really, it wasn't a Seeking Arrangement situation? I wish, that led nowhere for me, unfortunately, but I wish it did. That's where I met the rich man. You know, on Seeking Arrangements,

Starting point is 00:07:36 if you use your university email, you get premium for free. What is Seeking Arrangements? What is Seeking Arrangements? I did know that because I'm pretty sure I did that. What is Seeking Arrangements? Because I was in college. Is that like a, pretty sure I did that. What is seeking arrangements? Is that like a, it sounds like a, like a Craigslist kind of advertisement? Kind of. They rebranded so I don't know their official.

Starting point is 00:07:52 Yeah, that's what it is. Okay. Her generous relationships. What's the coolest thing you ever got from your daddy? Technically, I didn't take anything because I reached a point where I was like... Technically. I would go to the car to like get something but when he would say like okay come to my apartment that's where I was like okay no I'm good I don't want to give you

Starting point is 00:08:12 out of his car okay the funnest thing that he gave me for me it's fun was a CD with music he's produced because he wouldn't trust me he didn't think I knew who he was I looked I background searched him I knew who he was somebody he was he owned a record label but he didn't trust me knew who he was. I background searched him. I knew who he was. He was a somebody? He owned a record label, but he didn't trust me. So he gave me a CD. How old were you? Like 22.

Starting point is 00:08:31 Okay. Yeah. So this was very recent. So a year ago. It was recent, yeah. He made sure that I was 21. That's story time, but he was happy that I was 21. Anyways, okay, next one.

Starting point is 00:08:42 I mean, no, that matters. Yeah, no, definitely does. No, it no, that matters. Yeah, no, definitely does. No, it does, for sure. Okay, next guess who? I took a pregnancy test in the office bathroom. Ali. No. Fuck.

Starting point is 00:08:54 Justin. Well, Leia's pregnant. I'm gonna say Ali. I'm gonna say trick question, Ali. Wow. Yeah? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, five for five.

Starting point is 00:09:05 And she's pregnant. Yay! Surprise. You guys are really testing my, like, world's best boss challenge. That would be funny. All right, ready? OK, next one. I had a networking coffee with someone who thought it was a date.

Starting point is 00:09:22 Leo. How do you know this immediately? You're a networker. She is, yeah. Well, how do you know this immediately? You're a networker. She is, yeah. That's true. Okay. I know my staff.

Starting point is 00:09:29 I may not know you into college or your resumes, but. You do that immediately. I know my staff. Okay, final one for today. Like ask Nick is essentially me getting good at just reading people's intuitions. That's true. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:44 He's good at what he does. So next time we'll call in with one of these stories and you'll give us advice. They're gonna think this is all staged. Cause you're getting each one right. You haven't gotten one wrong. So at least get the next one wrong. We have to make this harder.

Starting point is 00:09:55 The next one you have to get wrong. Yeah, this one doesn't give much away. It could be anybody. So the next one is, I couldn't open the Tesla door on a first date. That is tough. And it is LA, so everybody has a Tesla. It's not layout. Who's Kiki?

Starting point is 00:10:15 Ellie. Okay. Those Tesla doors are not easy to open, let me say. They are difficult. Yeah. And like you have to push push, You can't just like lightly push. All right, one for six, five for six rather. Yeah, so that was our final one.

Starting point is 00:10:29 Okay. It's almost all of them. That's how it's done. That was fun. Yeah. We do have a written ask name as well. Oh, let's get into it. Yes.

Starting point is 00:10:37 So our writer, inner writes in with a tagline, should I ghost my friends with benefits? I'm 29, I met my 25 year old at friends with benefits almost two years ago at work. We started with an understanding that that is all it would be because I was married and he was in a relationship. I was fine with all- Excuse me?

Starting point is 00:10:54 I was fine with that until my marriage ended and his relationship also ended about six months into our friends with benefits. We continued to work together and maintained a great relationship. I thought maybe there could be more because he was vulnerable with me, telling me about childhood. He's even cried about some experiences.

Starting point is 00:11:10 I have also told him some very personal stories. He's helped me see myself worth the way no one ever has. In January, we went to a big city for a New Year's event with his best friend and the friend's girlfriend, but once we got there, he told me he would be meeting up with a girl who was from there. So I got front row seats to him hanging out with another woman for two days. We are set to go out, out of the country in April. And he told me not to scare the hose away in quotation marks. So now I don't want to go.

Starting point is 00:11:37 He told her to not scare the hose away. Yes. So now I don't want to go because it's clear that he might ditch me to hang out with another woman. Should I ghost him or should I tell go because it's clear that he might ditch me to hang out with another woman. Should I ghost him or should I tell him that it hurts me that he would do that and try to keep the friendship? Thank you. Friendship.

Starting point is 00:11:53 The friendship or the friends with benefit? Who knows? To be clear, so like we can only assume that she was cheating on her husband? Yeah, it sounds like it. There's no other context that we were separated or- It seems like they were both cheating on her. She just casually throws in that she was having an affair.

Starting point is 00:12:09 Right. I was having an affair, but anyway. This 25-year-old guy does not take you seriously. And why should he? You were cheating on your husband with him, and he was just here to have fun sex with what for him felt like an older woman, and he thought he was he was kind of you know a four-year age gap for a 25 year old man can at times feel like a thing it could be if nothing else him checking

Starting point is 00:12:34 a box even having the affair you know like you were he used you and you used him that's what this relationship is it's not a friendship it's barely a friendship benefits you guys used each other. You used him to fill a void that you weren't getting in your marriage that you decided to do before handling your biz with the husband. And he was probably using you for who knows. I mean whatever reason. But clearly he does not take you seriously as a potential partner. Ghost? Yeah sure. I mean mean, I don't know what, there's nothing to save here. I don't know if you need to ghost him. I think you could say, you could

Starting point is 00:13:09 try to be mature and say, I think this ran its course and you know, maybe this wasn't the best situation for both of us. I don't think you should kid yourself and pretend that there's some sort of friendship here. You probably have some sort of like weird connection to him or bond that you feel because of the intimacy that you shared while you were doing something nefarious with your husband. And now you feel like he is probably one of the few people in this world who understands you and knows your plight and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, you just did a shitty thing and you didn't handle your business the right way.

Starting point is 00:13:40 And I think maybe you just kind of need to wake up, say goodbye to this, whatever it is with this guy, and get your shit together, find out why you made the choices that you did, jump into therapy if you haven't already, and hopefully figure things out. I hope that wasn't too harsh for our writer-in-er, and if you would like to call in to add context or color that we might be missing, we would love to talk to you, but.

Starting point is 00:14:03 Damn. Yeah, so you probably shouldn't go on the trip for sure. Yeah, she's probably paying for them. Maybe. Like imagine the guts that it would take to say someone who's like hooking up with her, going on a country. He's just, you're a side piece. He doesn't take you seriously.

Starting point is 00:14:17 And clearly she hasn't actually communicated any real feelings. She's just one of those people who's just like hoping that this person will. Turn into something will turn into something and hasn't really communicated anything. But he's just like, you're just the older woman who cheated on her husband with me.

Starting point is 00:14:33 I don't owe her, he doesn't owe you anything. And he probably doesn't take you seriously. So you don't think she should mention anything to him about how it's hurting her? You think she should just? I think she's hurting herself with her choices. I don't think this is all on him. I think she used him and I think he used her.

Starting point is 00:14:50 This guy clearly is, sounds immature. He's 25, he's probably in his fuck boy era. Like, yeah, she can say it. I don't know what it's gonna really do. And it's not on him. She is hurting herself with her choices. She is making choices that aren't putting her in good situations and it is a woman, yeah?

Starting point is 00:15:08 Yeah. I think it's important to note too that he was in a relationship when they started their friends with benefits as well. Yeah, also a cheater, but I don't know the context of that relationship or how serious it was or what's going on. It sounds like she was married, you know?

Starting point is 00:15:22 And maybe she told her, like, and you know who really knows but yeah it sounds like it was going on for two years I don't think anything's gonna come from her bring it to his attention if she you know she can she can do it I don't know what it's gonna do yeah and what what's your opinion on friends with benefits in general I mean it has an expiration date mm-hmm my friends with benefit usually means it's two people who are bad communicators who don't want to acknowledge the truth and they, hey, I'm bored, I'm lonely, let's like hook up. One person usually has more feelings than they're willing to acknowledge. The other, you know, it's like the Tom Schwartz and Joe, you know, it's like. Do you think if you have a friends with benefits, you're owed. Your other friends, like, do you need to tell your other friends

Starting point is 00:16:07 that you're having a friends with benefits with one of your friends? What do you mean? Who are their friends? No, it doesn't make sense. Like if you have a friends with benefits, but it's someone from your friend group, do you owe an explanation or do you even need to tell anybody else in your friend group? Allie, did this happen to you? Why? I don't like. I. I don't. What? Sounds like she wants to share something.

Starting point is 00:16:27 Do you have to? No, because I mean, it's like the like, am I the asshole situation? Because I'm like, I don't think I am, because I feel like you should keep you can keep your own hookup history or whatever you've done. Well, again, that's assuming that both the people really think it's a true friends with benefits situation, which almost never happens. And that's also assuming that you guys can not act weird. Like, you shouldn't have to pretend to act differently, you know? So eventually it's just, yeah, if it's how tight is the

Starting point is 00:16:56 friend group? How weird are you going to have to act around each other? Not. That's what my biggest thing is. The friend group isn't tight. I hadn't seen these people in years, both of them. The guy that I hooked up with, another guy that was in the group. And the third guy. The group is just you and two dudes?

Starting point is 00:17:13 Well, no, they were in like the same friend group that was just guys. So this group is made up of what? You and who? Well, that's the thing. I'm like, we're not really a group, but I was somehow in trouble for not sharing this news with people. In trouble and who? Well, that's the thing. I'm like, we're not really a group. But I was somehow in trouble for not sharing this news with people.

Starting point is 00:17:28 In trouble from who? From the third person in this group that was like, how did you not tell me? How long had it been? So they're either nosy or they have a crush on you. Doesn't mean they're entitled to it. Four years ago. I mean, Sheena and Lala are freaking out

Starting point is 00:17:40 that Ariana didn't tell them about Chicago. Doesn't make them right. Just makes them petty and self-centered and entitled. I could go on. Yeah. Yeah, Ali, maybe he has a crush on you. Oh, boy.

Starting point is 00:17:53 Everyone is entitled to their feelings. It doesn't mean everyone's feelings are right or everyone thinks their feelings are more important than why didn't you tell me? Well, because I'm speaking in your, because I didn't want you to know. That's how feeling you had. And their feeling was, you should tell me.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Two opposing feelings. Anyway, so I think you're good, but I think friends with benefits is generally just. Bad idea. I mean, I don't know, it just really depends. Like, it just doesn't really end without a little bit of drama. The Schwartz and Jo example was a good one because it's clear that Jo likes Schwartz

Starting point is 00:18:32 and Schwartz is all over the place with what he wants and she's set up for, I mean, I don't know what happens. If their friendship can go on, she's just gonna have to keep, like, these feelings at bay. It's tough territory. Maybe that's the hard part. It's like when you're hanging out outside of the bedroom, because I feel like hookup buddy and friends with benefits

Starting point is 00:18:54 should maybe be two separate categories, because I'm like, I think you can have a consistent hookup buddy and neither of you have feelings. I don't know. I feel like feelings always... You're like spending time together. Now you're just getting into semantics. I feel like feelings always... For friends with benefit, you're like spending time together. Now you're just getting into semantics. I feel like feelings are, at least for me personally, I

Starting point is 00:19:10 couldn't like, I couldn't hook up with someone I didn't have feelings for. Yeah, and everyone's different, you know? The majority of women get more emotionally attached to sex than men, doesn't mean men can't, and also then there's feelings involved

Starting point is 00:19:25 you know like but either way like yeah it's rarely if ever is it a truly a platonic agreement because also let's what's like otherwise why do you want to have sex with someone that you're just like you little brother sister gives you something to do on a Tuesday? Get a dildo. Good point. I mean that's not speaking to anyone specifically. Yeah. I mean, like, we're all going to do it, but just know it's not going to end without some

Starting point is 00:19:55 sort of drama. Yeah. Well, if anybody who's listening has had a successful friends with benefits situation, let us know. Yeah. And define success. Anyways, we've got some great callers lined up for you so let's get to them but before we do don't forget to send

Starting point is 00:20:10 those questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting, office hours, mediation, you know the general, I know there's a couple couples out there who are fighting who could use some help and just convince your guy to come on the show so we can tell him you were right. Or not I don't know maybe maybe you are wrong. Either not, I don't know. Maybe you are wrong. Either way, we'll have fun. All right, let's get to our callers.

Starting point is 00:20:29 What's your time today? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Jessie and I'm 24. How can we help, Jessie? So I have a Bachelorette trip coming up

Starting point is 00:20:47 and actually over half of my bridesmaids are only committing to one night instead of the whole weekend. Okay, and you're trying to figure out whether you should be pissed or not or? Yeah, yeah. So I had originally gave them the date, months, almost a year in advance

Starting point is 00:21:03 and they had all agreed to it. And now that it's three months away, most of them are now backing out and staying only one night instead of the whole night. So I'm just a little frustrated and I don't know if I should bring it up with them or just kind of go along with it. How many people are invited?

Starting point is 00:21:21 So I have 10 people invited and then I think there's seven of them only staying one night. So the only people staying the whole weekend are my mom, my stepmom, and then my maid of honor. Your mom, your stepmom, and your maid of honor. Where are you going? Yeah. It's only like two hours away. I originally wanted to go out of state because my fiance is going to Vegas for his, which is a short flight from where we're at, but I ended up making it closer

Starting point is 00:21:50 so that way it could accommodate for everyone, but now. So no one has to fly? No, they just have to drive and we all can carpool. Where are you guys going? It's in Bend, Oregon, it's only like two hours away. Okay, so basically all of them, because you're maid of honor, okay, fine good good that she's not your mom You're step-down mom don't count so everyone

Starting point is 00:22:10 And these are your just friends brides How many of them are bridesmaids a couple of them are bridesmaids and the rest are friends because my other bridesmaids are my sisters But they're in high school, so they're not going since it's we were going to go out to some bars and stuff Is it all a coincidence that they tell you one-on-one? That they all email you together? Yeah, they didn't even tell me. They told my maid of honor because she was the one planning it all.

Starting point is 00:22:33 And so they said, oh, we can actually only commit to Friday night because there's a whole slew of excuses, it sounds like. So yeah. Like what? Like one of them, which she has two kids, so I understand, but she said, I don't to be away from my kids that long Even though she is going on multiple other trips this year without her kids and I told her way in advance

Starting point is 00:22:53 Another one said she can't get a dog sitter for the whole weekend And another one said that she just doesn't want to commit to a full weekend because her summer is busy and it's just a whole Slew another one also said that she didn't want to leave her kids for that long even though it's just her summer's busy and it's just a whole slew. Another one also said that she didn't wanna leave her kids for that long, even though it's only three nights. It's three nights, so. Yes, so it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Okay, that Sunday's tougher. Well, actually go home Monday, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:17 Which I even told them, I said, it's fine if you have to go home Sunday, but they only wanna stay Friday. How much out of pocket has this cost you? So that's another kind of frustrating thing is like my maid of honor had found a Airbnb that could accommodate all 10 of us and tried to put a deposit down and then she did.

Starting point is 00:23:37 And then people decided to obviously only want to stay one night so they don't want to pay the full price. Even though in her message, she sent them like, we can help accommodate financial wise. Like this is how much we're thinking. It's only like, I think it was like $200 per person for the weekend. And so they all said like financial support an issue. This is tricky. Yeah. Yeah. Which I don't want to be like a bright silver and be like, you can't say the whole weekend, but it's just frustrating because I went to all of their things and I've spent literally thousands of dollars.

Starting point is 00:24:06 Like one of them was in Arizona and I had to spend like $500 for the weekend and flights and everything else. How close are you with your maid of honor? I'm actually really close with her. But the thing is that she also just, yeah. She also just had a baby like two weeks ago. And so she's, I don't want to put things on her because she's obviously going through a lot right now.

Starting point is 00:24:27 That's the direction I was going. Cause like no one wants to beg or ask people to show up for your thing. Yeah. You know? And so this is kind of a job for the maid of honor to shame your friends into stepping up. Cause it sucks for you. You don't want to be killing up.

Starting point is 00:24:42 Like I went to yours, I spent this. But if it's coming from her to say, hey, listen, didn't she come to yours? Come on, I get you don't want to be away from your kids, but can't you do two nights? You're really putting us in a bind here, imagining how everyone's bailed on her, everyone. And everyone has a million different excuses.

Starting point is 00:25:01 I guess she's had a kid. There's a lot going on, totally understand. But yeah, I can relate. I see what Natalie has to go through as a new mom or just me as a new dad. That's like, you know, someone else's batch for our party is definitely not on the top of our priority list.

Starting point is 00:25:14 That being said, like we are talking like one email here. I mean, what conversations about this have you had with the maid of honor, if any? Yeah, so she just messaged me and was like, I'm really sorry, but like, we might have to find a different house and try to figure out some different things to do since only like basically me and her and then moms.

Starting point is 00:25:33 And because she has a kid, is that on you to do or is she willing to do that? She said she's willing to do that. And she had planned most of this before she had the baby anyways, cause she was preparing, she was trying to get most of it out of the way. And so now we're just kind of at a standstill

Starting point is 00:25:48 trying to figure out. What's her comfort level with confrontation? I don't think she's super confrontational. She's very, I think, similar to me, like passive. We've obviously discussed our frustrations with it to each other. Well, I can tell you what, a group text to the seven that says something like,

Starting point is 00:26:07 Hey guys, uh, just want to reach out. You don't want to reach out without Jesse on this chat, but like you all. Bailed like, and you really put us in a bind. I have a kid she's obviously her feelings are hurt. She showed up for many of your Bachelorette parties. She spent, you know, more than we're asking. Totally understand some of the other things going on, but I think it would really mean a lot to her

Starting point is 00:26:34 if you guys could at least do the two nights. Because if not, new mom over here has to rearrange all this other stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know what I'm saying? And like, well, I know she's busy. That seems like a hell of a lot less work than replanning the whole Batch Rat trip. And if I were you, I would start with that.

Starting point is 00:26:52 I would suggest that she sends a group text to the group without you in it. And guilt them into stepping up. Because not everyone's gonna be able to do it, but some of them should be able to be like, you know what, I can do two nights, you know? And I think she should, you know, as nice as possible be like, you know, she showed up for all of yours.

Starting point is 00:27:11 Like, I know everyone has their own, I'm sure valid reason, but everyone has bailed on her, except for me, her mom. So imagine how you guys would feel, especially some of them who have a married if that was your case like can we step up for our our bride here see where that goes I'd start there okay yeah I just didn't know

Starting point is 00:27:35 like how I should go about it or if I just should replant for one night or do you think if you went to your maid of honor and said you know hey would you be willing to send this? Would she? I think so. If it was worded like that, I think she might. Cause I think she was also frustrated and was trying to figure out how to make it still fun for me.

Starting point is 00:27:53 I think she should guilt them as a new mom of what it means for all of them to cancel and the work that they're putting on her as a new mom or you as the bride. Are you gonna make either her as a new mom or you as the bride? Like are you gonna make either me the new mom or Jesse the bride to be plan her own Bachelorette trip because all of her friends bailed on her because you know and we gave you a whole heads up and now everyone like this really sucks for her and like come on let's come together and like who can step up and who can be there if some of

Starting point is 00:28:22 you truly can't make it I get it like, I think we should do two nights. I will say, I think three nights is aggressive. I think two nights is ideal. And I think Monday into a, Sunday into a Monday is also a harder for everyone to do because like it's one thing to take off a weekend, you know, taking off a Monday, a little harder. But if the majority of them could do two nights

Starting point is 00:28:41 instead of three nights, I'm guessing you'd feel a lot better. Yeah, and that's the thing is I originally told everyone like the dates and stuff and said, like, I know I understand like, if you don't wanna take time off work or whatever, on Monday, that's totally fine. Another thing is we're all in real estate,

Starting point is 00:28:54 so we don't have like set days that we have to work. Most of the people, there's some that aren't, but most of us are from the same office and we all have a little bit more easier schedules. Okay, so you all work together. Yeah, she should guilt them into that. Well, yeah. So I-

Starting point is 00:29:13 Except for my maid of honor. So my maid of honor is actually my friend from high school and then my other group of girls are ones that I worked with. Gotcha. She should message all of the girls and say, hey, you guys need to step up. We need some of you there for two nights.

Starting point is 00:29:25 You're really putting me and her in an uncomfortable situation. I know it would mean a lot to her. She's been there for you guys in the past. I think we owe it to her to be there for her. No one relates as a new mom more than me, but like, come on. Because it's kind of a bummer.

Starting point is 00:29:41 And you know, the hope is, is that this is just an unfortunate coincidence and they all have their own individual excuses, not realizing, are they all aware that everyone bailed on you? Yeah, it was in a group chat that my maid of honor had sent out. What'd that say?

Starting point is 00:29:57 It was just like saying like, hey, I'm getting ready to, you know, start making plans and everything. Like this is what I think we're gonna do these days. We already booked the Airbnb since you guys had agreed to is what I think we're gonna do these days. We already booked the Airbnb since you guys agreed to this price and where we're gonna go. And that's when they all kind of started saying,

Starting point is 00:30:11 oh, I'm actually gonna only come Friday. And then it just kind of trickled down, like multiple people throughout the week. Are you in that chat? It wasn't just all online. No, I'm not. I wasn't aware of it until a week later. So yeah, she needs to respond to that chat

Starting point is 00:30:25 and be like, hey y'all, I don't know if you all realize, but everyone has made an excuse and is bailed on and only committed to one night. And now we're, I'm in a really tough spot. Like I just had a kid a couple of weeks ago. And obviously like, are you like, again, like I just said, try to have her put it into perspective. And she needs to like encourage them to

Starting point is 00:30:45 reconsider and and guilt them into you know hopefully coming okay yeah I think that you have to feel that way anyways because you know you want people to be excited and I'm sorry to go through that to me this is more about like not making your maid of honor who just had a kid have to like replant it or you the bride have to plan her own bachelorette party? Yeah, and that's the thing is my step mom and mom and then my mother, soon to be mother-in-law also they would step in and help too, but I just feel bad because it's, you know, it's more of like a bachelorette party is supposed to do with your girls and your friends and

Starting point is 00:31:19 stuff too. How close are you with these girls? I'm pretty close with most of them, well all of them because they were invited, but I've known them for probably about six years now. Okay yeah I mean it's kind of kind of lame of them. Yeah it was a little bit frustrating but I didn't know if I should you know if it should come from me or who it should come from I just don't want to be like... It should definitely come from me because I understand. No they're really putting you in a tough spot

Starting point is 00:31:46 because like, you know, it wants to be the brideszilla or a diva, but like, you want your friends to step up and even now, like even my solution to your problem isn't like the best solution because I'm basically telling you to go to your maid of honor and telling her to send some sort of text that makes him feel bad for being a bad friend. And like the fact that you even have to do that sucks.

Starting point is 00:32:05 Like you kind of just wish they would step up. I think it's her place to say, come on guys, who can do this? Because otherwise I have to book a new house. That's time I don't have remind them that you guys gave them a plenty of time. And now everyone is going and going back on their original commitment. And now you're, you know, imagine how she's gonna feel everyone's bailed on her after the first night and like now it's just kind of gonna that's gonna kill the vibe of the first night you know knowing that everyone's kind of bailing on her

Starting point is 00:32:37 and then I've you know we've had to redo the whole situation so can we step up for our bride and I think it would really mean a lot to her and for all the moms who totally get it, but can we get one more night for most of you? Because I think she'd really appreciate it. You see what they say? No, you know, if they say, if they all still bail, then I don't know.

Starting point is 00:33:02 Listen, at the end of the day, if they all still bail, it is what it is all still bail it is what it is. It's a bachelorette party, it's not your wedding, and you didn't get married to have a bachelorette party. You're having a bachelorette party because you're getting married and this won't be the last time you find out that your friends aren't as great as friends as you hoped or wanted them to be. So it is a part of life and growing up and that sucks. But don't let this affect your wedding. This has literally nothing to do with your wedding. Yeah, and that's true. That's, um, it definitely was frustrating, but it kind of did make me realize like, oh, well, maybe they don't put as much into our friendship

Starting point is 00:33:40 as I have in the past. Yes, that is correct. So, and also even if your friend does guilt them in the coming, you should forget about it and enjoy it, but also don't totally forget about it because they did have to be guilted into it. And, you know, I don't think treat them, don't treat them differently, but it's a good bit of information to learn. Okay, yeah, it definitely is kind of a learning point

Starting point is 00:34:05 because I am only 24 and so I went from high school friends to now we're friends and it's just trying to figure out who my core people are and I know that will change as I grow. Exactly, that's the thing, you're only 24. So how many of these women again are your bridesmaids? Two of them that are my bridesmaids that aren't coming. Then my maid of honor who is coming and then my other bridesmaids are my sisters who aren't coming because they're too young. When you say two of them

Starting point is 00:34:29 aren't coming, they're not coming at all or only coming for the first day? Well they're only coming, sorry they're only coming for the first day. And I think on a separate note your maid of honor needs to go to your the bridesmaids and be like you two really need to step up and I could use your help in making sure other people come. Okay, yeah. This is her hopefully one wedding type of thing and like, come on, you know? Someone needs to be the cheerleader. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:54 Again, a lot less work than rebooking a new house for the new mom. Just one text. Yeah, that is true. It's still three months away? Three months away from the wedding and two months away from the bachelorette party. Still plenty of time to guilt them.

Starting point is 00:35:09 Yeah. Okay. Well, sorry you have to go through it. The big takeaway is this is not your wedding, has nothing to do with your wedding. And if you're trying to put a silver lining, this was a very fast way in finding out who you're, how loyal and committed your friends are.

Starting point is 00:35:26 Yeah, definitely. All right. Well, congratulations on love and let us know how it goes. I am curious if this works, if your friend ends up selling, sending that text. But to me, that's, that's step one. That's the easiest way, the path of least resistance and then, and then go from there. But whatever happens, don't let it kill your vibe. Okay.

Starting point is 00:35:44 Thank you. And also congratulations to you, Natalie, on all your new things you guys got going on. Yeah, it's been great. I really appreciate it. Good luck. Congratulations. And let us know how it goes. Okay.

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Starting point is 00:37:20 BetterHelp. Thank God for BetterHelp. Thank God. It's getting people into therapy like never before. We all understand all the reasons not to get into therapy and they are valid. It can be expensive, inconvenient, intimidating. Sometimes you try it and then you find a therapist,

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Starting point is 00:39:22 I'm gonna be 26 in a few days here, and my unwanted roommates have sex with the door open. Okay. Well, first, let's start with how and why are they unwanted roommates? So they're unwanted roommates. It didn't start out that way. So I moved to New York City, found some roommates on Facebook, all in our young 20 female kind of single era,

Starting point is 00:39:45 easy peasy roommates to find. Less than a year later, one of the girls I was rooming with is full on married. So her husband now lives with us. And it kind of came about in a last minute sort of way. You moved in with two women, one of them got married and now you live with, and then he moved in?

Starting point is 00:40:09 Yes, so he moved in. So I moved in with two single ladies. Okay. And by the time our lease renewal came up, very last minute, she was kind of saying, it was a forced situation to be like, hey, he's moving in kind of last minute and just didn't really work out to find a new roommate to renew our lease with. So yes,

Starting point is 00:40:32 now I live with the two original girls plus one of those girls husband. Okay, wow. And how does the how does your other roommate feel about this? Yeah, so the other roommate, she and I are close. We're on the same page. We're like, how did we get here? How did this happen? Because it's like, kind of fucked that he even moved in. Like what permit like, yeah, it was within the last 20 days before Elise renewed that she was like, hey, how would you feel if he moved in?

Starting point is 00:41:02 It wasn't even a could he move in? It was like, what can we do when he moves in to make this right? And it was like, oh, ah. Why did you guys agree to it? I guess our lack of wanting conflict, we're both pretty conflict diverse. Well, lesson learned. And yeah, lesson learned for sure. But I think the other part of it was, there was also this conversation that they would

Starting point is 00:41:29 be moving out as soon as possible, that they were on an active apartment hunt, which has not turned out to be the case. Well, yeah, that didn't even make sense. Because if they were actively trying to, like why even, because they're on the lease, right? At least she is, or are they both on the lease right Julie she is or they both on the lease now Yeah, they're they're both on the lease

Starting point is 00:41:49 So yeah, so why would they sign a lease if they were actively trying to get their own place? Because they I don't know the whole conversation was that they wanted to move out as soon as they could find a place within their budget and to move out as soon as they could find a place within their budget and they were kind of setting it as like a shorter time frame than we are ending out. Sure, yeah, but the time frame wasn't the condition, the affordability was the condition. So they can be like, well, we still haven't found a place

Starting point is 00:42:20 that meets our budget, and therefore we can't move, kind of thing. That's their big. And we've made it work in most cases. We've found ways to live cohesively. I mean, it's New York City, cheaper rent is always preferable to split it with people. Well, let's get... So we found a way to make it work, but... Okay, well, let's get into the real weird part is they're having sex with the door open? Yeah, so, um. Like in a weird, like, are they making it obvious?

Starting point is 00:42:54 Like is it like, oh they forgot to close the door crack or is it like a door wide open because they enjoy an audience? I'd say it's not a crack and it's not fully open. I'd say like 60 degrees open. You could see into the room, but you're also hearing things. It's also a small New York City apartment, but it's definitely not almost shut.

Starting point is 00:43:19 It's not a, you're looking at it and being like, oh, that could be shut. And they forgot to push it that final inch. It was, it was a- Yeah. All right, so as you see it, what are your options? I didn't even consider this being a conversation I thought would ever have to happen

Starting point is 00:43:36 between like any sort of roommate situation. I just didn't think that was something that somebody would ever choose to do, having two other roommates. For sure. With the door wide open. So first of all, I was like, that's nuts, right? Second of all, I'm kind of like, do you even bring it up? I feel like-

Starting point is 00:43:57 Yes. Yes, because you don't want it to continue, right? Why would you consider not bringing it up? Well, we're, you know, 60 days out from the lease being over. Oh, okay. So we're, yeah, it's not a long-term, like we're stuck in this for forever kind of situation. It's towards the last little bit,

Starting point is 00:44:21 but also that would still be like 60 days of them having sex with the door open and nobody wants that. So I guess my main question was like, how do you enter in that conversation? I feel like once I was in it with them and talking, like it would be fine, but that first starter sentence, I just don't even know how to form that because this is such a situation that was like outside of my How old are you again? Realm of what I thought people would do.

Starting point is 00:44:49 How old are you again? About to be 26. Okay. You're not that young anymore. I mean, you're still young. Yeah. But this is a learning experience, you know? And the fact that you're 60 days out from your release coming up, yeah, the main issue is gonna solve itself in 60 days. So that's good news for you. So I don't think there's any point

Starting point is 00:45:10 in having some sort of major confrontation asking them to leave. If it was 10 months away, then my recommendation would be different. But 60 days away, like whatever, just write it out. You've done this shit for 10 months already, so what's two more? On the leaving the door open,

Starting point is 00:45:28 like what's clear to me after talking to you is you definitely are afraid of confrontation to the point where you either are choosing to be naive or you're just pretending, you know, listen, what you've learned is that not everyone's you and you can't assume people are gonna act a certain way. What's weird to you might not be weird to someone else and if you're gonna continue to have roommates or eventually, you know, are you in a relationship? I'm not. Okay, well

Starting point is 00:45:56 eventually you will be and when you meet that person, you're gonna learn things about them and it might be awkward. You're gonna have to get better at just like sitting people down and having some awkward conversations. But this isn't that difficult. Like what they're doing is inappropriate, it makes you uncomfortable, it's a lot, you know. It's just like, hey guys, can you please close? Have you ever asked them to close the door? No, it's been like a recent development. Like this did not happen for the entirety of this situation. It's been like recently in the past, like. Have you ever tried closing the door?

Starting point is 00:46:32 It would be a pulling the door shut situation. I feel like if I could push it, I could do it. I feel like pulling it shut. I don't know why that gives me the heebie-jeebies more, but it does. Close your eyes, you know, grab the doorknob. You need to work through this whole fear of confrontation and the heebie-jeebies if you're gonna continue

Starting point is 00:46:51 to have roommates. And quite honestly, again, if you continue to enter into any type of interpersonal relationships, you're gonna have to get better at speaking up for the things that make you uncomfortable. Because this won't be the last time you are involved with people on some level where, you know, people aren't necessarily considerate to your personal space or boundaries. And if you don't speak up, people aren't going to go out of their way

Starting point is 00:47:18 to make sure that you're always feeling comfortable. Sadly, you know, a lot of people, you'll continue to find out people aren't super considerate about other people. So I think you should challenge yourself to say something or do something. The mature thing to do, yeah, you cannot close the door. The mature thing to do, you and your roommate get on the same page, whether it's your roommate

Starting point is 00:47:39 with your other roommate or not, and say, hey guys, can you just please stop closing the door? It's just a little uncomfortable for us to like literally see you guys like hooking up or having sex however you want to say it. It should be an easy ask. The fact that it's a recent development tells me that like they're not, they're kind of doing this on purpose, potentially. Yeah, it's kind of, that's kind of what I feared.

Starting point is 00:48:01 I don't really. Do they think they're trying to hope that you want to join them or something? Is there like some weird sexual has he hit on either of you or been weird around you guys? They are. They're very religious and together. That is not, I think it's a carelessness or a carelessness. They don't give a crap about us kind of situation. I don't think it's a ask to join in any way.

Starting point is 00:48:30 Well, good to know. I think it's a we don't give a crap about you guys, which is also makes it like makes me worry about if I bring it up, will they just not even care? No, they might not. But that that's not a reason not to bring something up. Yeah. Then you're never gonna bring something up. This is about you setting and forcing a boundary you know if you ever listen to the show obviously we we harp that you know and you know part of the reason they're willing to do this is the fact that you guys don't even have the guts to close

Starting point is 00:48:58 the door or say something. They know they're getting away with it you know. It's not an accident on some level. And yeah, maybe they just don't care, but they're not considerate. And you're not gonna say anything, and they know that. So they're kinda like, fuck it. This is an opportunity for you. I need you to see that as an opportunity.

Starting point is 00:49:14 Because you're right, the problem eventually is gonna solve itself. If you wanna avoid confrontation and you wanna convince yourself, oh, I've sucked it up for this long, I can suck it up for two more months, whatever. You can totally do that. That is an option. But I don't think you wanna convince yourself, oh, I've sucked it up for this long, I can suck it up for two more months, whatever. You can totally do that, that is an option. But I don't think you're putting yourself in a,

Starting point is 00:49:30 other than slightly uncomfortable, you need to speak up. You have a problem speaking up with stuff like this. If I were in this situation, I would be like, what the fuck? I would shut the door, I would make a little bit of a scene, and I would be like, you guys are ridiculous, please shut the fucking door, I don't wanna see you guys hooking up, it's gross.

Starting point is 00:49:49 You don't have to make it a thing, you can be super polite, but you really need to say something, and you can do it. I don't think this is as scary as it feels. I think you're just kind of psyching, nothing bad's gonna happen. The worst thing that can happen is they dismiss you and don't listen to you. And if that's the case, just shut the door. You don't have is they dismiss you and don't listen to you.

Starting point is 00:50:05 And if that's the case, just shut the door. You don't have to see it, you don't have to look. Yeah, that's true. Just grab the door and pull it. And yeah, if they're pricks about it, if they're pricks about it, then they're gonna be pricks about it. You still only have 60 days left.

Starting point is 00:50:16 This shouldn't be a hard thing for you to do. And it is. Yeah, it's definitely, and I feel like with stuff that's more like common like kitchen usage at midnight, we've had like a whole conversation of like, hey, don't make pork chops late at night, I have to wake up early for my job. Like we've had conversations in the past that have been confrontational and I felt better about going into those because it seems okay. I don't those because it seems... Okay.

Starting point is 00:50:45 I don't know why it seems lower stakes, but this one, not that this is high stakes, but it seems like, just like there's more of a barrier of like starting that conversation. You're like, why would you even do that? Cause they're weird. I don't know, but this is literally the same as pork chops at night.

Starting point is 00:51:02 It is. So how do you do it? You do it the same way. And the thing is, you don So how do you do it? You do it the same way. And the thing is, you don't even have to make it as big deal about the pork shops. You know, it'd be like, because you're right, it is weird. It's so out of pocket that you could be like, guys, shut the door, please.

Starting point is 00:51:15 You don't have to have some big sit down. It can start there. We don't wanna see you. It's uncomfortable. It's weird enough that we have to hear you, but hey, it is what it is. But can you like, please shut the door? It's weird enough that we have to hear you, but hey, it is what it is. But can you like, please shut the door. It's gross.

Starting point is 00:51:25 Right. Yeah. I, yeah, I guess I took the, the heightened weirdness level as like, it needed to be a bigger conversation, but I guess that's like where I need to switch it to like, it's the same, no matter how weird it's the same level of like, hey, just quit that. Yeah, because ultimately what it is, is whether it's pork chops at the middle of night or fucking with your door open,

Starting point is 00:51:51 it is them being inconsiderate of the fact that they have roommates and only thinking about their immediate needs and not how their actions make other people feel in their own personal space. That's the thing about having roommates is that you all have to recognize is this is everyone's home.

Starting point is 00:52:06 And everyone has a right to feel comfortable in their own home. And right now their actions are making you two feel uncomfortable and you both have the right to feel comfortable. You have the right not to constantly smell pork chops at one in the morning when you have to wake up at six and that can make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Starting point is 00:52:24 Which is why you had to have that conversation. And so that's why you're having the conversation. How weird you think it is versus them, it's irrelevant. This is about you two feeling comfortable in your own home and being willing to speak up because right now you don't. Right, yeah. I think it's probably just switching my mindset of just going into it the same way

Starting point is 00:52:42 as like previous conversations, because those, I don't love it, but I'll do it, because I don't wanna keep simmering on being annoyed. I'd rather just like, cut it. So I guess I just need to flip my mindset to be like, it's the same, don't worry about it, just, yeah. I think you really need to challenge yourself to- It's so out of pocket.

Starting point is 00:53:00 Yeah, get it out of your head about what you're confronting, because it really is irrelevant. And I think you need to challenge yourself to say something. Because you could just close the door and not say anything and see how they respond. And you could keep closing the door and you could wait for them to say, why are you closing our door?

Starting point is 00:53:16 Which I don't even know if they would, but you could just keep closing the door. And that'd be option one. And you'd be entitled to do that. But that'd still be you kind of not actually speaking up for yourself. Right now you are living in an environment that doesn't feel like your own house. That makes you feel uncomfortable rather than comfortable.

Starting point is 00:53:33 And you should be able to speak up about that. It won't be the last time you face something like that. And you should get really good at that in general, because you have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your, in your home. And everything takes practice just like, you know, confronting people, but it's not going to kill you. Might feel a little comfy in the moment, but I'm willing to bet, you know, even the, the last time you brought up the park, like the pork shop thing, you know, I'm sure it might be a little awkward, but did when it was all said and done,

Starting point is 00:54:02 aren't you glad you did it? Oh yeah. And, and like, like I said, like that didn't love it, but did it, it was all said and done, aren't you glad you did it? Oh yeah, and like I said, that didn't love it, but did it, it was like no harm, no foul, didn't really take, I guess I wasn't thinking about it this much. Do you think the way to go is just to say it straight up, matter of fact, hey, here's what's happening with that?

Starting point is 00:54:21 Or do you think there's like- Yeah, there's no ask. A different way to do it? I need you guys to close the door. It makes us feel uncomfortable. And I don't know if you realize it or not, but like please close the door. How would she feel if you left, you know,

Starting point is 00:54:34 not that you would, but like let's say you decided to always change or walk around the house naked with her husband living there? These two, you know, how would she feel? It's your house, you have the right to do it. What's the fucking difference? And if you decided to prance around naked while her husband was like playing video games

Starting point is 00:54:52 and when she's not there, how would she feel? Oh, she would be raging, yeah. Yeah, so you know, you don't have to bring that analogy up. The assumption is they're not going to fight back. They're not gonna push back. They're either not caring or just doing it to fuck with you guys, but hopefully just being inconsiderate.

Starting point is 00:55:07 But simply just, hey guys, I need you to close the door. It's really making us feel uncomfortable. And I know you guys don't want us to make us feel uncomfortable. So can you please just be respectful and close the door? If they push back, then you can say, well, what I'm asking here is pretty fucking normal. How would you feel if we started walking around naked?

Starting point is 00:55:26 That makes sense. That makes sense. But yeah, and while you might not enjoy doing it, you will feel good that you did it after when it's done. Yeah. I feel like it's like, I feel like I just, once I reframe it, it'll be fine and it'll be normal. But like, I don't know. Yeah. Like you said, it's the same conversation, just different context. Totally. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:46 This is, this is more of about, and this is an opportunity for you. And this is practice for the future. Because like I said, you could definitely ride this out for 60 days, but it would be a missed opportunity of you practicing, standing up for yourself to ensure that you can keep your personal space safe and comfortable for yourself. And this won't be the last time you will have to be faced with this. Or, you know, it won't be the last time

Starting point is 00:56:11 you'll be faced with this. Yeah, totally. All right. Well, we absolutely, please need an update of how you address this. Yeah. Because we are dying. Yeah, I'll definitely update you guys.

Starting point is 00:56:23 We are dying to know, like, what they have to say for themselves. Yeah, I'm kind update you guys. We are dying to know what they have to say for themselves. Yeah, I'm kind of curious to figure out if they'll realize, like, oh, sorry, we just weren't even thinking or whether they will be stubborn turds about it. But I guess the only way to find out is to find out. When after they hook up and you guys are in the living room, do they not hear you guys or they not walk out and go, oops, sorry, what's going on after they hook up and you guys are like in the living room, do they not hear you guys? Or they not walk out and go, oops, sorry. Like what's going on after they hook up and the door's open?

Starting point is 00:56:48 Oh, there are no cares in the world. So the roommate that I get along with shares a wall with them. And there have been conversations like just about hearing it. Sure. And what do they say? They kind of said like, at first, sorry. But then like a day or so later, they were like, you know, well, we should be comfortable

Starting point is 00:57:07 in our own space too. And we don't want to walk on eggshells. And it's like, okay, but also we don't want to walk on eggshells. Yeah, strength in numbers. I think you two, I think you and the roommate you get along with need to do it together and that will make you feel less uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:57:23 But my opinion is you speak up, you say it, regardless of how they respond, this is about you just getting more comfortable with standing up for yourself because this shouldn't be that difficult. And it's a bit of a red flag for you that you kind of overthink this. And the weirder it is, the more uncomfortable you get.

Starting point is 00:57:41 And the reality is the weirder it is, the more need for you to speak up it becomes. So this is an opportunity for you. Yep. We're gonna give it a go. We'll give you guys an update and see how the crazies take it. Yeah, listen, they're just fucking weird and pricks and uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:58:04 And you only got 60 days left. So if I were you, yeah, that's from and uncomfortable and you only got 60 days left so if I were you yeah that's from the me interview would be like how like knowing this is an opportunity to see how like how much you can stand your ground and really like you know lean into the discomfort of you bringing it up because it you'll survive it you'll be okay and this is a this case I'll be uncomfy for 60 days. Yeah, but this is a life skill. I mean, it really is. Like, people's ability to work through discomfort,

Starting point is 00:58:33 it's like a game of chicken with people. And the more uncomfortable you are with confrontation, the more people will walk all over you. And the people who are comfortable with confrontation can smell it on people who aren't. And they will take advantage of it it which these people are. Yeah I'm losing the game of chicken on this one. I know well again practice makes perfect and this is an opportunity so take advantage. Yeah well we'll do. All right we're gonna get some practice in and we're gonna do it.

Starting point is 00:59:01 Amazing all right keep us posted we're We are very excited for an update. All right. All right, thanks for the call. Thanks. All right, bye bye. Article. Oh, I thought. Sorry, I just wanted to hear your range.

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Starting point is 01:01:59 Vile files for 20% off plus free shipping me undies comfort from the outside in How's it going? Hi, I'm Gwen. I'm 24 and the boy I'm dating won't touch me. Okay, wow. How long you been dating? Okay, so we're not like dating. We're not like officially dating. We've been on 10 dates.

Starting point is 01:02:17 I can run through the timeline of like all of the dates up until now because this is what is holding me back from taking the next step. Does he want to call you his girlfriend or something? We haven't really talked about that, but it's getting to the point where like, we've been on 10 dates, it's kind of like, all right, something has to like give,

Starting point is 01:02:39 like we're going to be in a relationship or we're not. This is the point where it's like, okay, how many dates do you go on before you're officially dating? Do you know what I mean? Well, in 2024, sadly, there's probably no number, you know, and people are very noncommittal and avoid confrontation and conversation. And so, yeah, like without conversation,

Starting point is 01:03:02 it could go on forever, you know. That's fair. OK. Well, we've had the conversation of like this is where we would like it could go on forever, you know? That's fair. Okay, well we've had the conversation of like, this is where we would like it to go. Okay. If that also helps. So like, it's just we're not there yet. I kind of, I'm at the point where I'm really,

Starting point is 01:03:17 I kind of decided as what I want to do, but I just have literally asked everybody and my friends and family what to do in this situation because it's really holding me back from telling him I like him telling my feelings and just taking that next step because he just like literally won't touch me like hug kiss like nothing we've literally made out like twice and we've been on 10 dates and they've been like, I mean, I do want me to run through like the whole progression timeline? Sure. OK. So we were talking while we go on a few dates.

Starting point is 01:03:52 We're at like date three or four. He hasn't made a move. Date three and four were both like in private. So like, yeah, he came over my house. I cooked him dinner. We hung out like all night, nothing. And same, we went to his house, the exact same thing, we hung out.

Starting point is 01:04:12 I made the first move to kiss him. And then by the next date, we were alone again. And I kind of just said, do I have to make all of the first moves here? Like kind of what's the deal? I mean, we're 24 and 26 and it's just not what I'm used to, I guess. I'm very used to hook up culture and like I've never had this problem where boys don't want to touch me. It's more that they don't want to date me. They love to touch me. Does that make sense? Sure What did he say? So he said yes, and then I said yes to a conversation after

Starting point is 01:04:52 To I have to make all the first moves. So you said do I have any other first moves and he said yes Yes, okay. And then did you say from that conversation? Bob like what was your response? My response was okay, and then we kind of went in a little bit deeper and he explained that he's not comfortable yet, like moving forward. Okay, great. Moving forward with what?

Starting point is 01:05:12 I responded to that with anything physical. So to that I kind of said. Did you ask him to elaborate or why? Or is it like a religious thing? Not yet. Is it? No, I know that he's had sex before. We have made out at this point, but literally strictly made out,

Starting point is 01:05:31 which is totally fine. Whatever. But my response to that was if I have to make all the first moves, I now know that you're not comfortable moving forward with anything physical. At this point, it was date three or four. So it's it kind of puts me in a weird situation. You know, I don't want to drag him too far out of his comfort zone. But at some point, it just becomes going on dates with a friend.

Starting point is 01:05:59 So that's kind of where I am now, where now we're at 10 dates. We've still not progressed. I just don't really know what to do because at this point I know that he really likes me. How do you know that? What do you, well, yeah. Because he's told me that. Okay, fair enough.

Starting point is 01:06:16 What have you learned about each other? What do you like about him? Why do you keep going on dates? I understand that it's probably frustrating that he's not making the move, and maybe on some degrees, you know, as annoying as it is that you're so used to men wanting to touch you but not wanting to commit to you,

Starting point is 01:06:32 you have gotten used to that, and so now when you're dating a guy who doesn't, it makes you feel undesirable, unsexy, it gets in your head, I'm sure all of the above. And my question to you is, at date three or four, when you had this conversation, did going on more dates with him be more about getting to see if he could,

Starting point is 01:06:52 he finally makes the first move? Or was it about actually getting to know him? You know, what have, you know, how is your connection grown? Because despite, you know, him, his lack of desire to be physical with you or intimate with you and how that might make you feel, it is an opportunity for you guys to strengthen

Starting point is 01:07:08 and build an emotional connection so that if you do decide to hook up, you have no regrets. And I'm sure you've hooked up with men in the past where you regretted it. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, so. And to answer your question,

Starting point is 01:07:21 the past few dates that we've been on, they've all been going out, activities, doing dates that we've been on, they've all been going out, activities, doing things that we like to do, dinners. So we're sitting and talking to each other. It's not like we're in these private situations, which to that degree, I understand it's like, he doesn't want to be like, oh, can I come to your apartment or vice versa. But what I like about him, I, he's really ambitious. He's really sweet. He's he goes out of his way to see me and spend time with me, which I think is is really nice. I mean, he gets

Starting point is 01:07:55 me flowers. He shows me that he wants to be physically with me, spend time with me. But this is just important to me because I feel like I'm dating a friend. I have enough guy friends that I can go out to dinner with. Totally. So is he trying to hold your, are you guys holding hands? No, like literally nothing. I just like, I've also- And is physical touch a love language of yours? No, but it is of his. We've taken the test like with each other. Wait, what?

Starting point is 01:08:25 Yeah, I know. It's not one of mine. Mine was acts of service and quality time. Well, how is physical touch one of his? Right, that's the biggest question. Why aren't you asking him? I mean, I can make all the guesses in the world, but you have been on 10 dates with this guy.

Starting point is 01:08:47 It is bothering you. And while it may not be a love language, I guess, of yours, like it's enough of a love language where when it doesn't happen at all, it makes you question your connection. And you don't feel connected to him because he's not even affectionate in any way physically, a handhold or whatever. And so it makes you feel like he doesn't see you

Starting point is 01:09:11 in a way that you're building a friendship rather than a romantic connection. He's not romantic. Okay, outside of the physical aspect, is he romantic with you at all? I mean, again, because friends like hanging out, friends like going to movies, friends like going to dinner, friends like catching up and having coffee.

Starting point is 01:09:26 You can do, as a single guy, I had plenty of girlfriends where I loved spending time with them, I loved their company, I loved reaching out, hey, let's get together, let's go for a walk, let's go for a hike, let's do this, let's go roller skating, let's whatever the fuck, but I wouldn't hold their hand, I wouldn't touch them, I wouldn't crest their back, I wouldn't be in any way,

Starting point is 01:09:43 I was deliberately not doing that because, you know, because of the nature of a man and a woman's split, you know, a straight man and a straight woman, I didn't want to blur any lines, cross any boundaries. I wanted to respect the friendship, you know, and he's doing none of this. Right. And that's exactly how it feels. And that's why, so from his end, he is saying to me, he really likes me and blah, blah, blah. I'm not worried about him dating other people. He is a pilot. So he's

Starting point is 01:10:13 away a lot. I can't say to him that I like him because I just, he feels like a friend to me for the exact reasons that you said. I have friends that I do that with. So like going to dinner with someone doesn't make me like them. And I feel like maybe he could just not be opening up about something. But I've had more than one conversation with him about this. And so most recently, after our last date, which is like a week or two ago, I brought it up to him again because he was like, this is going well. Right. And I basically said, yes, but this is really bothering me.

Starting point is 01:10:49 What are your thoughts? And he basically imploded, I can show you the text, but it was literally him sending like 20 texts being like, I just have to send it and all like, just come over on Friday. And I'm like, that's not what I want for you to like freak out about this. Wait, wait, wait, wait, what did he say?

Starting point is 01:11:08 Bring up the text. So he texted me after the date. This is still going well, right? Like I wanna be sure. I said, yeah, I mean, I like how things have been going but I don't wanna lie and say, don't question that it hasn't progressed at all. Like physically.

Starting point is 01:11:22 He said, yeah, you're right, I know. But I will say, I've definitely become 100% comfortable around you to start that given the opportunity. And I do live alone, so anytime you're here, it definitely will progress because I want those things too. I said, that's good, I'm glad you feel comfortable. In my head, it's just like you never invite me over or initiate anything touchy.

Starting point is 01:11:41 And I also have an apartment where I live alone. Like we're not awkward at all. I love hanging out with you but when it comes to anything further maybe we're both just awkward and I'm not one to make any moves and neither are you so I just don't really know where to go if that makes sense. He said right now I think I got confused when he said you were you were overwhelmed from it but listen I want you to come over this weekend or whenever you wanted to I just know you're busy too to be honest, I was just too much in my own head and now I'm just not. Like I will make those moves because I do want it to go somewhere and it won't be forced on my end either. I said I could be in my own head too. I just feel like now it's a little forced. You know what I'm saying? Like we shouldn't have to

Starting point is 01:12:21 have these conversations, especially multiple times. He said it wouldn't be, I promise, because I do want these things with you to progress and yet you're right, I just need to fucking send it. And I'm like, that's so cringey. What's cringey? You're 26 years old and you're, that he's 26 and he's like, oh I just need to send it and go in to kiss this girl.

Starting point is 01:12:40 What does he mean by send it? It's just like make a move. Okay. But the fact that you have to say that and then also like that we have to have these conversations so many times, it's really just cringey and then it's starting to give me a little bit of the ick as far as like why do we have to have these conversations

Starting point is 01:12:57 so many times? Because these are relationships. I think it's kind of funny when you know, we have all these conversations about men need to open up, they need to be more emotional and as soon as they do, it's like fucking funny when we have all these conversations about men need to open up, they need to be more emotional, and as soon as they do it's like fucking ick. Like what do you want? No, he's sweet and just like.

Starting point is 01:13:13 Yeah, I mean you're so tired of all these kind of asshole fuckboys who again as you describe want to touch you but don't want to commit to you. I don't know if this guy is your person. But honestly that text didn't sound that bad. And I don't know how you read it and I don't know if this guy is your person. But honestly, that text didn't sound that bad. And I don't know how you read it, and I don't know how you were feeling. But honestly, hearing it from you, I was like,

Starting point is 01:13:30 okay, you both kind of acknowledged that maybe you're both in your head. I don't fucking know. But everything I heard from him sounded like, hey, no, I do like, he was very reassuring. You're also calling him out. And it's just a little weird for a guy to be called out from a woman he's interested in

Starting point is 01:13:49 as not being macho enough or, you know, that... It's like, it's... I don't know. It's, again, I think at times, I know a lot of, you know, I think men in general need to be better behaved or more respectful, but I think it's just kind of hilarious and ironic that every, you know, so often, as soon as a guy gets vulnerable or maybe acts in a way that's more in line

Starting point is 01:14:11 to how women are used to acts and wanna take it slow and be like, you're like, ew, fucking ew, ick, ew, fucking cringe, like, ugh. So, what do you fucking want? I know. So, my thing for you, why don't when you're out with him, why don't you just try do you fucking want? You know? I know. So here, my thing, you know, for you, like why don't when you're out with him, why don't you just try holding his fucking hand?

Starting point is 01:14:29 Is it that hard? Like, yeah, maybe you do need to start making the first move. You're making it probably harder on him because you're pulling back even more. You're being more, you're getting more closed off. You're acting more like his friend. You know, I don't know how he's reading into it, but you're clearly reading into it,

Starting point is 01:14:46 grab the guy's hand, caress his back, tell him he looks hot, slap him on the ass, I don't fucking know, but do the thing that you want him to do to you. And if the worst thing in the world, listen, it is not sustainable for him to expect you to always make the first move. And it was a kind of weird that he said that to you when he said that to you, but whatever. But he is responding in kind to

Starting point is 01:15:13 your questions and so maybe you do need to break the ice or whatever. I remember, you know, this is a long time ago, but a girl I was super into for a very long time. And I never, I never lacked generally, I generally never lacked confidence of making the first move or whatever, yada, yada, yada. But for whatever reason, because of this particular person I got in my fucking head, she was a little awkward. I certainly am capable of being a little awkward. And we had been on like three or four dates and there was no kiss or nothing.

Starting point is 01:15:46 And I remember towards the end of the third date, it was going the same direction. And I finally said, when are you gonna let me kiss you? And she goes, when are you gonna stop being weird about it? And then we went at it and it was cool. Exactly. It was a cool moment though, but sometimes you just have to break the fucking ice.

Starting point is 01:16:03 And it was like, I was scared to bring it up, you know? Hearing him, this 20-some year old guy thinking I'm all cool and shit and I was in my head and whatever. But right now, you're both unwilling to say the thing that needs to be said so you both kind of get out of your head and just kind of go for it. And you're not willing to help him out at all. You know? Every once in a while, a guy needs a little help.

Starting point is 01:16:23 Well, I mean, because I made the first move early on. That's why I'm kind of just like, okay. I made out with him. Okay. And that's, it was just, I don't know where else to go because it's like, I'm giving him all of the signs. When we're alone, I'm very touchy. Like in the private situations when I'm out in public,

Starting point is 01:16:42 I'm not very PDA. So wait, you're on his couch or you're on his couch and you like what, put your hand on his thigh and he just does nothing? Yes, like doesn't even flinch. One time, this was on early on, this was like date three, four, one of the dates when we were alone at one of our houses,

Starting point is 01:16:59 we're making out, I take my shirt off, doesn't even move, his hands are like stuck to his, his legs. So I like try to move them a little bit and it's just nothing. So that's why to me, I don't know what else I can do to say like, right. That's an I I'm going through in my head, like every situation that he could possibly maybe be insecure about or or maybe he's just shy and I have really just went a little bit down to him being shy but it's just how long do I let this go literally date ten how long do I let this go on to where like now I'm starting to feel bad

Starting point is 01:17:42 when I'm going out and and seeing other guys because I know he's invested in me But we're not dating we're not exclusive Listen you have the right to have your emotional and physical needs met in a relationship And it sounds like you know the more I talk to you the more you know you are trying and you are Communicating your and he's kind of shooting you down. Yeah, I mean it's one thing He did respond to this text, kinda like, hey, you're right, I need to do this shit, but actions speak louder than words.

Starting point is 01:18:11 So, yeah, I mean, listen. Do you think I'm just slutty for wanting more? What are you talking about? Of course not. He's making it like- Am I wrong for ending it because he won't touch me? Like, does that make me a bad person? Because I'm also in hookup culture where I'm like, wrong for like ending it because he won't touch me? Like, does that make me a bad person? Because I'm like also in hookup culture where I'm like,

Starting point is 01:18:29 fuck all of these guys that just wanna fuck up with me and I try to wait a little bit. There's a middle ground, you know what I'm saying? Like you could be, like. Yeah, that's where I need to find the middle ground. You know, the middle ground is knowing that a guy is attracted to you and there's a sexual type of chemistry and retention and then making, you know there's a sexual type of chemistry or attention

Starting point is 01:18:45 and then making the choice, the personal choice or choice together that you wanna see the risk goes and as great as it's been that you don't wanna rush into a physical relationship because you've done that before, you've come to regret it and even though you've been on four dates, four dates doesn't make you that comfortable with someone to the point where you wanna get naked, have sex,

Starting point is 01:19:04 only for them to be like, yeah, just kidding, I don't want a relationship. But you can still round a couple bases and have some great makeouts and touch each other in a couple privates, take off a shirt here or there or whatever, you know what I'm saying? Build the tension. You taking off your shirt and him acting like

Starting point is 01:19:21 you didn't take off your shirt, that makes you uncomfortable, you know? Yeah, right. You know? And so it's more about you're not connect, you two are not connecting, you're having a hard time connecting and you have to acknowledge that.

Starting point is 01:19:35 And like, hey listen, why are we having a hard time connecting? You know, because yeah, I'm not, listen, if you don't wanna have sex, that's great. I just wanna feel like you're physically into me and I wanna advance our relationship and I don't wanna, like I'm not, listen, if you don't want to have sex, that's great, I just want to feel like you're physically into me and I want to advance our relationship and I don't want to, like I'm all for being patient but like, you're not, not only are you not making me

Starting point is 01:19:52 feel attractive, you're making me feel like I'm doing something wrong and after 10 dates, I shouldn't be confused of whether it's okay to hold your hand or not or to put my hand on your thigh, you know? Do you think I'm a bitch for that? What a bitch for what? I'm a lot of curse, I'm a lot of say bitch right? Yeah, you can say whatever the fuck you want.

Starting point is 01:20:06 For not, just because I know that he likes me, am I a bitch for ending it because he's too shy to get out of his own head? No. Okay. A physical relationship is part of a relationship, and physical touch is a love language, and it might not be your biggest love language, but clearly it's definitely some kind of love language for you. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:29 And he is giving you zero of that. And then it's like fucking with you that, you know, it allegedly is his. So if it is a love language of his, then why, like clearly it's not. Right. I mean, yeah. Right. I mean, I think we established that. That was early on too.

Starting point is 01:20:46 So we didn't really know, but he took the test and after now in hindsight, I'm like, are we sure about that? Yeah, just slowing down physically in a relationship doesn't mean you guys have to be confused about it. You should still be on the same page. You know? Yeah. You could be two adults being like, hey, listen, I want to take it slow. And you know, let could be two adults being like, Hey, listen, I want to take it slow.

Starting point is 01:21:05 And, you know, let's say for example, he was like, listen, I'm my last girlfriend. I know this is different than most guys, but like I, I, I move things slowly. Physically, whatever. And you could, you can be like, okay. And then moving things slowly doesn't mean nothing at all. And he could be holding your hand and then you could, you know, making out or kissing goodbye could be like become a norm for you guys.

Starting point is 01:21:30 And then that could progress into something else but he's giving you nothing. And then you're walking away from each date being like, was that a date or did I just hang out with my friend? And he's creating more questions and answers. And it's not about you breaking up with him because he won't get naked with you. It's you potentially ending this relationship because he's creating more questions and answers that you are trying to communicate with him and you are trying to get more connected and

Starting point is 01:21:59 have a better understanding. And he is saying one thing and doing another. And it's becoming more and more confusing and it's questioning your self-worth and it's questioning your confidence and that's what it's about. It's just odd. Okay, follow up question.

Starting point is 01:22:14 What are your thoughts on kissing on a first date? Because now I feel like I'm kind of, I'm always like fine with that, but now because of this specific situation, we obviously did not kiss on our first date. I'm like, does that set the tone of like breaking that awkward physical barrier or is it like too much? Not necessarily.

Starting point is 01:22:35 I guess I think it just really depends on the date. It depends on the people. I don't think it's a big deal one way or the other. If you guys feel an organic moment to have a great first kiss on a first date, amazing. If it doesn't happen, you don't need to freak out. If you don't kiss on a first date, there's a great opportunity to send that text of like, ah, kind of wish we would have had that kiss.

Starting point is 01:22:55 Maybe next time. Oh, you know, whatever. Something that- Right. Or that it drags on for 10 dates and then nothing happens. Sure. But you're clearly in your head about this guy in this relationship and after 10 dates,

Starting point is 01:23:07 you shouldn't be getting more confused. You should be getting less confused. Regardless of what the confusion's about, the point is, it's going in the wrong direction. Right. When did you guys exchange that text? How many dates does it take to know? What?

Starting point is 01:23:20 Know what? To know if it's going in the right direction. Like I thought it was going in the right direction until I looked back and I was like, oh my God, you're my friend. Yeah, I don't think there's an actual number. I think you just kind of always have to check in with yourself a little bit more. I think you need to ask yourself

Starting point is 01:23:37 if you've been hanging out with this guy because you actually really like him or you're trying to prove something to yourself that you can get him to, you know what I'm saying? Like it's almost like now it's just become a challenge. Yeah, I don't know if I'm up for this challenge. Yeah, the more I talk to you, the more I'm sensing that you don't,

Starting point is 01:23:58 like you think he's a nice guy, but you've lost that interest, you lost interest. I think I have. When was the last time you sent that? When that text conversation that you read, when did that happen? Have you seen him since? I haven't seen him since.

Starting point is 01:24:10 That was last week and then he had to go on another trip for work. Have you heard from him since? Yeah, we text like here and there, but I haven't been as consistent with answering. So I think that, like if anything, if I call it off, I don't think he would be surprised because I'm not as consistent as I have been,

Starting point is 01:24:30 but I just have to have that conversation. And I didn't know if I really wanted to cut it off or not. I kind of just wanted outside third parties to tell me if I was just being me. I mean, if he reached out to you and was like, hey, I'm back in town. Do you want to come over and you came over and the first thing you did was throw you up against the wall and give you a nice hard make out.

Starting point is 01:24:50 And you guys had a great make out session. How much would that change your opinion? I think I'm thinking back to him in his head saying, I just got to fucking send it. And then I'm just like, I'm not going because of that conversation where he was like, no, next time you're coming over my house, blah, blah, blah, I'm like, okay, but now this is like a booty call. Like now I'm not going over your house

Starting point is 01:25:13 because I know that you just- My, how is that a booty call? You're literally saying- Because I know. It's just the way that it was set up was a little weird. You were overthinking that part. I would rather it just be more organic. You're overthinking that part. I mean, we can't always get everything we want.

Starting point is 01:25:29 Sometimes we have to communicate our needs. It's like, yeah, I get it. The perfect guy would read your fucking mind and everything you wanted he would do before you had to ask, but that's not reality. And whether it's closing the cabinets, being more considerate or being more chivalrous or being more sexual, every once in a while

Starting point is 01:25:50 you have to state your needs, even if that kills the vibe. You know, even if that makes you go, ugh, why did I have to ask that? But sometimes you do. And when you do ask that, you have to give them an opportunity to actually show up and deliver on the things that you're asking. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:08 That's fair. I mean, I don't know. I feel like I have to think about if I want to see him again when he gets back from, I know I really have. Yeah, listen, if you want to phase it out or end it, I don't care, but. Yeah, I'm getting the sense from talking to you is like, because it's been one extreme to the other. You're so used to all these fuck boys and hookups. And now you have this more intentional, you have this more intentional guy, but that's gone.

Starting point is 01:26:38 But it's gotten in your head. You don't seem like you're the best communicator. You also seem like you're a bit of an over thinker as well. And credit to you for you have tried. You have put it out there and he definitely has not responded in a way you'd want. So there's no wrong answer here. Yeah, okay. I think I more needed that, that there's no wrong answer.

Starting point is 01:27:01 And that's the thing, when you ask these questions, how many dates this or when's the right, there's no right answer. And that's the thing, you know, when you ask these questions, how many dates this or when's the right, there's no right answer, you know, it's all about your willingness to communicate and get on the same page with someone because that's what dating is all about. Every time you hang out with them, they should feel less like strangers. You should learn more about ways in which you're compatible. You should feel more connected, you should build the chemistry, you might have

Starting point is 01:27:24 a have a couple conversations in between that, how to get on the same page. Those conversations should help not hurt all of the above, and it should feel organic, you know? It's clearly not with this guy, so all the more reason to end it, but don't make it worse by asking, well, why don't I, should I do this or should I do that?

Starting point is 01:27:41 Or should I, you know? Because he might be doing the exact same thing and he just doesn't know how to progress. I don't know. Yeah. Okay. That's fair. I think I know what I'm gonna do.

Starting point is 01:27:53 And my big takeaway is, is like, if you do, whether it's, you know, it sounds like you're gonna move on from this guy, but the next guy you date, you're gonna eventually, the next right guy you date, who's not just some again, fuck boy, who's like good at just making you feel like inferior and make you want to like chase him for validation? But the next good guy you meet you know

Starting point is 01:28:15 Eventually, you're gonna have to communicate a need and you don't hold it against him for having to communicate a need Especially if he's willing to listen to you and then apply what you're asking into action. Right. Okay. That's a good takeaway. Thank you. All right.

Starting point is 01:28:31 Well, let us know what you decide to do. I have a, it sounds like I know, but if anything changes. I will. Yeah. I'll let you know. Thank you so much, Nick. All right. Take care.

Starting point is 01:28:41 Have a good one. You too. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow for Reality Recap. And on Thursday, we have the one and only Daisy for Going Deeper. It's going to be exciting.

Starting point is 01:28:54 See you then. Bye.

The Viall Files - E728 Ask Nick - Roommates Bangin, Doors Open

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