The Viall Files - E731 Ask Nick - Cheating Calendar

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Before we get to our callers, we talk about the toys we had when we were kids…  Our first caller is ‘dating’ a guy who’s in an open relationship with someone else. She’s afraid to ask him for commitment and is thus wondering if sleeping with his friend would be wrong. Our second caller lied to her boyfriend, and now he thinks everything she does is a lie. What was her initial lie and how should she rebuild his trust? Our final caller feels like she's parenting her fiance’s kids for her. Is this due to differentiating perspectives on parenting, or does her fiance need to step up? “Checking in should feel like consideration, not controlling” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Care/of - For 50% off your first Care/of subscription order, go to https://www.TakeCareOf.com and enter code viall50. Quince - Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to https://www.quince.com/viall for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Grammarly - Make a bigger impact at work with Grammarly. Sign up and download for FREE at https://www.grammarly.com/podcast   Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @alison.vandam @dereklanerussell @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein  

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick. Joined by part of the household, we got Leah, Allie and sweet, sweet, sweet, poor Justin. Excuse me, Scooter, Scoots McGooz. Scoots McGooz. Scoots McGooz. What's up everybody? What's going on? You know what I actually know?

Forget it, fuck you guys, I don't really care. I thought about something last night. What? I thought like, you know, this Ask Nick show, that, you know, I famously give advice that most people seem to enjoy and like and all that fun stuff. It's like a lot of the advice I, you know, I always say like, I'm not a therapist, I'm not an expert.

And the overwhelming majority of my advice, I give through the lens of mistakes I've made in the past. A lot of the advice I often give is around like situationships or not being taken for granted, setting boundaries, you know, like accepting rejection, you know, things like that, you know, all these things I struggled with and got wrong, you know, in and out of relationships and things like that. I feel like the show should have some kind of

mission statement almost in a way. We the vile files promise to ban fuck boys. What is the overwhelming theme of the advice that I give on the show? Pursuit of happiness. Sure. Accountability. More on accountability, yeah, it's just like,

I'm a big believer that our choices matter. You've probably heard me say in the show. Like, I personally don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe things will work out if you're willing to learn. I think our choices matter. I think you can make bad choices. I think you can make choices that fuck up your life.

People do it every day and they pretend like everything happens for a reason. No, maybe you just made a bad fucking choice and your life got worse, not better as a result of it. And most of us make these bad choices with time to adapt and learn and recover from. Thankfully most of our bad choices aren't life-ending, both literally and figuratively, but they can damage things. And if we keep making bad choices, we are not entitled to a good life.

I'm a big believer in that. And ultimately when people call in, I'm just offering an unbiased opinion and I'm offering them an opportunity to look at their situation through a different lens. Because ultimately every situation we are affected by our feelings, how much we've invested in that situation, our ego and things like that.

And I am just ultimately, I'm not telling our colors what to do or how to think about it, I'm just offering them a different perspective so they can hopefully make important choices throughout an unbiased lens because our choices do matter and it can affect our relationships, it can affect our finances and things. I'm just a big believer in that. I think that would be good for merch. Yeah, sure. Choices matter.

That wasn't even the point of why I brought this up because what I'm about to say, it's like all the advice I've given up into this point really is like, again, through the lens of like, I might not be an expert, but I've done a lot of shit. I've done a lot of shit wrong. I've learned from it. Ultimately, I do give a lot of advice on things that like I don't haven't necessarily been involved in but like I'm just applying my decision

making skills My ability to have overcome like adversity and disappointment and rejection and loss and like whatever but now I am entering My me Nick in my life. I went grocery shopping. I came back home, I'm like, I've never done this before. I've never gotten married, I've never had a kid before. All the things that Natalie and I are doing every day, it's the first time for me. It was kind of funny and kind of crazy. Well, it's kind of like how we heard that thing

where they say, sometimes people that aren't actively in a relationship will give you better advice about your relationship. Sure, I mean, like ultimately the reason why people always are giving better advice to other people and not themselves is because they're not personally invested. They're not emotionally connected, they're detached.

It's not like only people in relationships get advice from people in relationships. It's not really about that. It's about one's ability to like actively listen and apply what they've learned as different situations and give like an unbiased opinion. But I just think it's kind of funny that I am now entering a season of my life

that I have no experience. Unchartered territory. I'm entering uncharted territory for the first time in a long time. It makes your perspective valuable because you're actively experiencing it. So you can say things in a way that people who are also actively experiencing it,

understand it. Versus a retrospective sometimes is like built down. Yeah, I mean, like I've never really given advice on the show with the lens of like, I do everything right. I don't make mistakes. I do what I do. It's often like, don't do what I did. Learn from my mistakes.

Do what I would have done differently. I think it's just kind of a fascinating thought to realize every day for me is just more like, oh, fuck, I don't know. I've never done this before. I mean, I'm being a little like over dramatic. Nobody has, like everybody who's a first time parent or entering a marriage for the first time,

like it's a learning experience and every day is different. Every day is a learning opportunity. I'm being a little dramatic, but it's just kind of fascinating because I've never really done that before. Anyways, it's just a random thought I had. Decisions matter, don't fuck up your life. I think it's just crazy of fascinating because I've never really done that before anyways. It's just a random thought I had decisions matter Don't fuck up your life. Yeah, I think it's just crazy that we have a society that walks around we love Convincing ourselves that everything happens for reasons and that like we are entitled to like a happy life that everything will work out That everything's gonna be fine and like maybe never walk out in the street and see people who every day you're just like,

it all went wrong for them? Like every day, walk outside, you'll see people every day that prove that you are not entitled to like a good life. I think I prescribed to the like, everything happens for a reason. Because sometimes there's no other way to think about life. Like you have to just- Life happens. Yeah, life happens. But like, sometimes you end up in positions where it's like, how, how did I get here? Nobody knows. You made it happen. Because you made a bunch of like little choices that edited this moment. And then other people made choices that affected you,

unbeknownst to you. Some of those choices, I mean, I'm a big believer in the butterfly effect, you know, it's crazy. How did we all get to be in the same room? Think of all the little things that happened. There are so many people that I had to meet randomly for me to be the bachelor. After I was on the bachelorette,

like I got a text from a friend, I guess a friend, a girl who I hadn't talked to in years. And she texts, she was like catching up and saw something. I did something and sent a complimentary text. And I was like, who's this? You know, I'm like, well, you know who it is? If it weren't for this girl, we wouldn't be together today. She doesn't even know who this girl is.

She's never met her. She probably will never meet her. But this girl randomly saw me at Lollapalooza, who gave me a free pass to a stage that she was working. And me going to that stage allowed me to meet my friend Kyle, who also introduces some other people. And Kyle was the person I eventually moved in with. And if Kyle wasn't there, who convinced me

to move to LA for a period of time, I would have just gone back to work and never been the bachelor. If I wasn't ever the bachelor, I would never have met Natalie. And that was this one little moment. It was one choice I made. Was it a choice or did it happen though? Because like she happened to be there at the time that you met her or that whatever it is. Again, if you want to believe that it's all fucking like some pre or... I always find it fascinating too, like when it comes to religion,

a lot of religious people, it's like, oh, everything happens for a reason. I grew up very religious. I always find what's fascinating for all the religious folk out there, specifically the Christians, because I'm familiar with Christianity and Catholicism. It's like everything happens for a reason,

but what about what's the greatest gift that God gave us? His son. Okay, other than Jesus, of course, free will. Free will is the ability to make choices for ourself. It's, oh, it's preordained, it's fate, it was gonna happen regardless. That's not free will. That's the illusion of free will.

Yeah, this is something I definitely struggle with in terms of like which one I believe, because I go back and forth all the time, because I do believe in the butterfly effect. I think back to like choices that even my ancestors made. If my great grandmother hadn't moved from Greece to Turkey, she wouldn't have met my great grandfather, I wouldn't have been born.

Like having River, I've been sitting there being like, oh my God, you're literally a miracle baby. Because like think of all the gazillion infinite things that had to happen in this universe for her to exist. 100%. It's fucking crazy. But then I also think about, you know, death or people, like not to get too dark, but and I'm like, why did that person who, you know,

never smoked a cigarette in their life or, you know, was super healthy and super young, like prematurely pass away or something. And then I'm like, everything must happen for a reason. Because why? I don't know, cause I don't know. I think about- It makes you feel safe and warm and secure. I don't know. I think about it all the time. I'm just like, why did that happen?

That must have happened for a reason. Well, I mean, if we're getting into the weeds here, but if you do believe in an afterlife, maybe that reason is like, you know, if you grow up Catholic, right? You know, as three of us in this room have, you're raised to be like, listen, we're only here to get to there. You know? So, who cares the shit about what happens here? You

know? And that's why as Catholics, we're like, suffer, suffer, you know? You'll earn your way, suffer, you know? Like, but we, that's the belief because like, it's all about to get in the afterlife, you know? So, the why, you know, it doesn't matter if the baby tragically is diagnosed with leukemia because like maybe that was a gift from God in order to suffer more to get their way to heaven. And if ultimately, you know, that's what you believe, you know, we're really getting in the weeds here. But yeah, I mean, personal choice, that's just me. I just think I'd rather live in a world where our choices matter, we're, and we're accountable for our choices and then we have free will,

whether it's because of our God gave it to us or it's just the universe that we live in and it gives us more control and more accountability. Like we wanna have our own agency and power, but also believe that everything happens for a reason. I think both can exist at the same time. I think that everything does happen for a reason and that we have a path that we're on

and then we have choices to make along that road that could get us to different points, but we're kind of destined to exist in one of those. Maybe. So essentially, Nick is our God, Ask Nick is our religion, we call in to get free will and choices. That was ultimately what I was trying to.

Got it. Okay, so it makes sense now. No, no, no, our choices matter. You know, it's a gift. Yeah, not to get a religious or it, but like free will. We don't appreciate free will as much as we should. Yeah, for sure. And when we say everything happens for a reason,

I think we diminish the power that is free will and the choices that come with it. Anyways, you have a game. Good transition. On a lighter note, I was showing everybody what I got for my birthday. That's your birthday present to yourself? No, my grandfather gave me this toy for my birthday

and it's like the stupidest thing in the world, but I love it. And I was just showing everybody in the office. What is it? Other than like a little rubber. No clue. It's a stress ball. It's a stress ball? I love it. And I was just showing everybody in the office. What is it? Other than like a little rubber. No clue. It's a stress ball. It's a stress ball?

I love a stress ball. What is it? What does it do? You like push the little things in and it's like a, and then you can push them out. So basically she's an iPad kid that needs something to touch. It's a fidgeter. It's like a fidget toy,

but my grandfather gave it to me for my birthday. Anyway, so it started us talking about toys that we used to have as kids. And so we thought it would be fun to talk about the toys that we had, how crazy it was that some of them existed and that we had them, and then toys that still exist and kids are playing with today and maybe toys that River has.

Let's go. Okay, so one is Barbies. Just to play with my sisters. You play with hers? Yeah. I wasn't allowed to. Sometimes we had the G.I. Joes, the little G.I. Joes and the big Barbies.

That got weird. You weren't allowed to play with Barbies? No, yeah, because guys don't play with Barbies. And if you play with Barbies, you might. Oh, you weren't allowed to play. Yeah, I wasn't allowed to. And if you play with Barbies, that might affect your sexuality.

And then you ended up being gay anyways. Yeah, so it didn't work out. So, note to play. Yeah, I wasn't allowed to. And if you play with Barbies, that might affect your sexuality. And then you ended up being gay anyways. Yeah, so it didn't work out. So note to parents, oops. Give them the Barbie anyways. Oh, interesting. It was, okay, wow. I thought it was more like a sacrilegious type of thing. Like, I mean, naked Barbies,

it's like you're a little nude doll. Oh, I would make my Barbies have sex in the hotel. Yeah, we would totally do that. G.I. Joe's and Barbies going at it. There was a pregnant Barbie, right? That had like a baby. There was. I literally begged my mom,

my mom was going to the store and I was like, I really want the pregnant Barbie. And then I like kind of forgot about it and I went up to my room like hours later and she was sitting in the corner. And you could remove her belly. Oh, that's the baby was in the belly. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

Can I see a picture of this pregnant Barbie? It was a magnetic belly that you could rip off her stomach. And then you could put the baby in the belly and stick it back on. This is disturbing to look at. How does in the stomach, we're just going to pop on. Yeah. Pop on, pop off. She was discontinued, right? The pregnant Barbie. Well, that's what they said in the Barbie movie, because then at the stomach, we just kind of pop on? Yeah, pop on, pop off. She was discontinued, right? The pregnant Barbie.

Well, that's what they said in the Barbie movie because then at the end, Will Ferrell was like, ah, Mitch, I thought we discontinued you. I mean, I don't have a problem with letting River play with a Barbie. The Barbies still exist, yeah? I think so, yeah. Do they look like the Barbies of old?

They're more inclusive now. So there's different sizes, different skin shades. I have a fun one. Easy bake ovens. Do you know what that is? I do. Those things are dangerous. Like if you want a house fire, get an easy bake oven.

I don't think they get that hot. Yeah, but like they had, like they were catching on fire. Did they actually cook food? Why like an easy bake oven and not just like, let's cook with mom and dad in the real kitchen? What if your parents weren't home? Cause the real oven- Oh my God, I definitely would not get an easy-bake oven and not just like, let's cook with mom and dad in the real kitchen? What if your parents weren't home? Cause the real oven- Oh my God, I definitely would not get an easy-bake oven

so that kid can cook on her own. Yeah, but the, I mean, these easy-bake ovens were like in kids' bedrooms and they could use them whenever they want. Yeah, absolutely not. They also recalled them. Like that's how dangerous they became. I just think it was cool

that you could actually like eat your stuff. You had all your tools, you'd like mix it up, you could put it in the thing and you'd like have little pokers to put it in There's something about like I don't know why personal pan pizza hut pizzas or such a thing back in the day Those are the boss and they're like something about it being a personal pizza was better than like having a slice of pizza I don't know. I'm sure it had something to do with that Is it good? Did you guys have the book? It's like you would read a certain amount and you'd earn like a personal pizza Yeah, wait wait like yeah

I was like a midway. I think I was a Midwest thing at least wait It was through pizza or red then you got a coupon and then you could bring it to Pizza Hut and then they get like a free Personal pizza. Yeah, it was like the greatest thing in California could never Know I did not have that I think if you were me eating play-doh when I was younger, then Easy Bake Oven would have been the good alternative. Play-Doh. Yeah. So good.

Homemade Play-Doh. Homemade Play-Doh. That's so salty. How do you make Play-Doh? I never made it. My daycare used to make it and pop a little snack here and there. Well, I wasn't allowed to have the Easy Bake Oven

because my family was kosher, so we couldn't have it. So I would do Easy bake stuff with Plano. What was in the easy bake ovens that wasn't kosher? My house was super, like everything had to have a simple. And what, other than like no ham? Oh, every, it's so strict. No, like you have to separate meat and dairy. So if like really kosher houses,

you have separate like knives and Tupperware and everything. By the way, I even still in my current kitchen have two of everything, like meat and dairy. Tell me more. Because my family is still religious. But what's the premise of being kosher? So you're not allowed to mix meat and milk. It originates from you don't wanna have a baby

in its mother's milk. And so that extends to everything that's meat and dairy. This sounds like why Catholics can't eat fish extends to everything that's meat. And dairy. This sounds like why Catholics can't eat fish on Friday. It's like way back when. Forgot about that. It's all way back when. It was a practical decision

and it had to do with like survival. Cause I can understand why in like the year 20, they weren't mixing dairy and milk for like hygienic purposes. Well, this was like, it's more of like an ethical thing where you don't want to eat a baby in its mother's milk. And then in terms of kosher meat. Well, in terms of kosher meat, it's that the,

there's a rabbi who supervises and makes sure that the animal is killed in an ethical way. Interesting. And you have two of everything because of like habit? I have two of everything because I want my mom to eat in my house. And when you say everything, what do I mean? Like two...

Two separate plates. I even have in my sink two different sides of the sink that I'll wash my dishes on and two different sponges. Your parents are still pretty religious? My dad's passed away, but my mom is still like observant. My brother is. And so I want them all. And Danny's are too. So I mom is still like observant. My brother is. And so I want them all, and Danny's are too.

So I want them to be able to eat in my house. So I keep it all kosher. And they've only eaten in my house twice. We've lived there for three years. So I don't know. Kosher salt. No, that's just- That's just- Other than it being good salt.

That's just a thing. Kosher isn't kosher, like it's just a type of salt, right? I don't know. I'm ignorant. I could buy any salt. That's just a thing. Kosher, isn't kosher like, it's just a type of salt, right? I don't know. I'm ignorant. I could buy any salt. Okay. Yeah. All right.

No one, Easy Bake Ovens. Not if you're Jewish. What about playgrounds? Like playgrounds back then that were like wooden splinters, or you had mentioned like the merry-go-round? Well, when I was a kid, the merry-go-rounds, it was crazy what we would do. They would put all the kids, we'd just, how many kids can you fit in the merry-go-round, it was crazy what we would do. They would put all the kids,

how many kids can you fit in the merry-go-round? And how fast you go, so it would whip kids off. Wait, who was controlling the merry-go-round? The kids. Other kids? What? Yeah, and then tube slides, we would see how many kids you could cram in the tube slide. Oh no. So your face would be

insane, unsafe. Like how someone didn't suffocate and die, do not know. You're the reason that our playgrounds now are Boring. Poles with nothing on them. But I feel like it was still happening in our generation because I remember like I had a friend and we had one of those like drawbridge things

but there was no gates on either side and it was like pretty high up and Kelsey fully just fell off the drawbridge and broke her arm and they were like, we should probably put some bars up there. Yeah. I mean, there was always a broken arm or two during recess when I was growing up. What about the seesaw? Banned.

The seesaw was- You could launch people. Really? Well, also it was always like a weight thing. Like I would never go on a seesaw if somebody was smaller than me. I would only go on the seesaw with people who I knew would be, would hoist me up. And I was also a tiny kid, so it's like I sit on that. I just, I'm stuck at the top. See, I was the opposite. I was the chubby kid who was like terrified to sit on a seesaw. It was my worst nightmare. And if I got on with a guy and then I would be on the bottom.

So we were sitting out. My nightmare would have been a seesaw with you, Justin. I got on with a guy and then I would be on the bottom. So we were sitting out. My nightmare would have been a seesaw with you, Justin. Literally, I'm just visualizing you guys just stuck forever. Just me at the bottom, Justin's like flying over me. Oh. Did you guys ever have like full metal slides? Cause that shit got hot. It hurt, That hurt.

Why was running up a slide as a kid so cool? Defying gravity. Breaking the rules. Alphaba. Going to Chuck E Cheese and playing tag was the best. And they would never, we'd always, they would say, you can't do that, you know, running in the, playing tag at Chuck E Cheese, greatest time of my life.

I have a hot take. What's up? Chuck E Cheese pizza is the best pizza to exist on earth. Haven't had it in a lifetime, guessing I don't agree. I have a hot take. What's up? Chuck E. Cheese pizza is the best pizza to exist on earth. Haven't had it in a lifetime, guessing I don't agree. I think it's good. My whole family got food poisoning from it. We never went back. Nope.

Nope, that wasn't my Chuck E. Cheese. I kept it open during the pandemic. It was like $5 pizzas. I was like, send it. You had ordered Chuck E. Cheese pizza. Yeah, during the delivery. Where is a Chuck E. Cheese? Well, I don't know about LA, but in NorCal, like they all close right during the pandemic

because they are so open for pizza. For pizza and like pizzas are usually like $50 for one. If you go while it's open, what does $5 a pizza? Anyways, I think it's good. American Girl dolls. Sure. Like obviously I'm not gonna like not let River to play with them, but they do seem to be like a weird obsession in community.

Like there's an intensity with this whole American doll community. There really is. It seems unhealthy almost. I went to an American Girl doll store and they had a whole barber shop where people were bringing their American Girl dolls and getting their hair done.

I went to the American Girl Cafe two months ago. No. I wanna go to that. Wait, so you ate food with the dolls. Did you bring your American Girl doll? And they sat her down like on the table in the high chair? Yeah!

They serve wine! Wait, where was this? In Chicago. Ali, I need to know if you brought your doll with you. Oh, fuck yeah. Felicity was right there next to me. Oh my god. That's actually one of my dreams.

I'm gonna, I've never had an American Girl doll, but I wanna eat like dinner with them. I think it'd be cute. I'll loan you one. Did you always want an American Girl doll? No, but it was like along the same lines of like dolls, like girl dolls, if you give it to a guy, it will like lead them down a certain path.

So like, I remember going- Should we give you an American Girl doll for your birthday? They're too expensive. You can have mine, it's still in the box. They're like 200, like a doll, right? They're like a hundred bucks. They used to be like 90 when we were kids.

They might've gone up. Yeah, it was like a hundred dollars. We used to be like 90 when we were kids. They might've gone up. Yeah, it was like a hundred dollars. We all got one for our 11th birthday. My parents took my sister and I to the American Girl doll store, but because I was a guy, I wasn't allowed to get a doll. So I got like the pet. I had a My Buddy.

Oh, I had a My Buddy too. What's a My Buddy? I have a picture with a My Buddy. It's like a, it's a doll for boys. It's like Cabbage Patch. Yeah. Wait, I've never heard of this. No, Justin, we need to get you like a retro one.

We need to get you a doll. My buddy. My buddy. I wanna get you a lookalike doll. That's what a my buddy is, right? Well, my buddy looked like me. Really? Yeah.

I was a little kid when my buddy like popped on the scene. You know, do they still exist? I don't think so. I don't think so. I got a lookalike doll from American Girl for my sixth birthday, but I told my parents that I didn't want her to look like me. I wanted the black girl because she was prettier. So my lookalike does not look like me.

I think we should get Justin a lookalike me American Girl. I'm not seeing an active website for my buddy. Would you appreciate it? I'd appreciate it. But also we can just go to the cafe and they'll run you, like they'll lend you a doll to eat dinner with, right? I'll bring you one, don't worry about it.

That's not fucking weird. Do you want a doll to eat dinner with? She sits in a high chair, like on the table, right? Yeah, she does. I think that's cute. I have pictures from New Year's, I'll send them to you. I think the OG American Girl dolls are now worth a lot of money.

What about the one that's still in the box? Mine that's still in the box are now worth a lot of money. What about the one that's still in the box? Mine that's still in the box. Probably worth a lot of money. I guess my OCD is gonna pay off for me now. That's why you didn't open it? All my untouched toys. Yeah, I didn't open my American Girl is still in perfect condition

along with a couple Barbies. How do you think American Girl dolls are born? Because I always think of like cabbage patch dolls. And have you seen the videos of like, you go to whatever the- They're you go to whatever Justin I hate to burst your no but like okay but if you've seen videos of the headquarters they birth cabbage patch dolls what like they have a cabbage cabbage patch kids with the cards the trading cards a junk pail kids junk the junk pail what's a junk pail

which is junk pail junk pail kids no there was junk pail? I don't know what that is. Junk pail kids? Cabbage patch kids? No, there was junk pail too. It was like the bad cabbage patch kids? Yeah. Oh, that explode? No, they were like crazy. Oh, it's literally cabbage patch kids. Cabbage patch kids were so scary to me. This is when we pretended that Kit had a drinking problem.

Garbage pail kids, yeah, garbage pail kids, yeah. Those trading cards, they were crazy. Ally's living the life. Look, this was Kit just helping herself to some wine. That's fucking weird. Oh my God. All right, well we have a great episode for you lined up this week.

Also, big week, we got Monica and Tyler Cameron on Going Deeper, an excellent episode of Reality Recap. Tomorrow is a wild, wild week. As always, hold on to your butts. Let's a wild, wild week as always. Hold on to your butts. Let's get to our callers. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickofthevileholls.com for all things Ask Nick,

texting office hours. You know the drill. All right, let's get to the callers. Choices matter. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. All right, how's it going? Hi, my name is Mary and I'm 23 and I'm wondering if I can sleep with two guy friends in the

same friend group. Like have sex? Yeah. Okay. Good clarification. I mean, of course you can, you know, why do you want to? So I've been hooking up with one of them for about a month now. Okay.

And it's going really well. I really like him. Okay. but he's in a long distance. Open relationship, um, newly open. Um, I think he partially opened it to have sex with me. Um, so we've been hanging out a lot. Gotcha. And, uh, we're 100% certain that his partner is aware of your existence. Yes.

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I've, he's told me many times that they've talked about it. Yeah. I've never met her, but. So we're not 100% sure. Very positive. We're just 100% sure that he's told you about it. Yes, but I trust him 100%. Okay.

How old is this guy? He's 24. Are 24 year olds getting into open relationships? It's more common. Like it's not a stigmatized thing anymore. Interesting. Why? I don't know, what do you think?

Yeah, why is he in an open relationship? That's what I'm not really exactly sure about. I think he's been dating her for a few years and they're very serious. I know she knows his whole family and they're all really close. But they've been long distance for the last two years. And he just said that over the last couple of years, he's just realized that he doesn't wanna only be

with one person and it just makes more sense to him to have freedom. And he said that she also agreed. I think she didn't want to do it at first, but now she's also seeing other people. Gotcha. How long have they been together? Um, I guess. Were they like high school sweethearts or something? No, they met in undergrad. Gotcha. So they were. And tell me about this other guy that you want to have sex with.

So he's in the same firm group. He's really good friends with the guy that I'm hooking up with now. Is he aware that you're hooking up with him? Yes. Gotcha. Yeah, I think Dave talked about it a lot. I think kind of the whole lead up

where the guy I'm hooking up with now, I think before we started hooking up with each other, he liked me for a while and I think he had been talking to his friends about it. So they've kind of been present for the whole rise of it. Okay, so everyone's communicating, everyone's talking, everyone knows everything, yada, yada, yada. Clearly, you see some red flags or potential hurdles,

otherwise you wouldn't be calling in. What are the potential problems that you're concerned about as you see it? Yeah, I just, I don't know what it would even look like. Like I mainly, I think part of me has been holding back with the guy I'm hooking up with right now just because I know that he does have somebody else. I would love to just only date him if he wanted to do that And if that were the case, then I wouldn't even be thinking about have you communicated with him? No Just because I I feel like he if that were an option then he would have done it

I don't I feel like he must know that I like him a lot. I mean He's a 24 year old guy. I don't know how intuitive he is. We're very open and I get confused by a lot of the things that he says. We're like, I think it very much is that like, well, when we're here, then I think to everybody watching, it seems like we're dating. We spent like all of our time together. We're always together. It seems like we're dating. We spent all of our time together.

We're always together. How much energy do you spend trying to figure out your relationship with guy number one? Not that much anymore. Now I'm just kind of, every day I see him and we just spend a lot of time and I don't think that. You see him every day? Yeah.

How, are you like having? Yeah. And we're hooking up like, I don't think that. You see him every day? Yeah. Are you like having? Yeah. And we're hooking up like, I don't know, either every night, sometimes we skip a night. When does he see his actual girlfriend? She lives in a different city. No, I get that. But like, do they talk every day too? Or like?

No, I don't. They don't even talk every day? Mm-mm. When does he go see her? He's visited her once this semester and then she visited him once. They seem, I don't know what it, that's part of why I'm confused because it doesn't seem like he wants to be with her

that much and like he'll tell me all these things about like how amazing I am and I don't know he'll say things like like this is the best sex I've ever had. Okay that's very a lot every time. 20 for real guy thing to say that's nice I mean good flex on you you know does he say anything else about you or how he makes uh how you make him feel? Yeah I mean all just really amazing things. He says that I'm so beautiful and nice. And so in that, and it all just feels very, I mean, I feel it coming from him. Okay, you feel his affection, you like, yeah.

Yeah. It's good. So back to this other guy. Yes, so the other guy, I also have liked the whole time. What do you mean liked? You think he's cute or what do you mean liked? I also have liked the whole time. What do you mean liked? You think he's cute or what do you mean liked? Yeah, very, very cute, very smart.

And the three of us have hung out a lot. We hung out before I started hooking up with the first guy. Yeah, hanging out, we'd go to each other's houses all the time and do things. But then the first guy I think just started, especially after he opened up his relationship, we got really close really fast. It was also around the same time that I broke up with my boyfriend of last year. And then as soon as everything opened up for me, then the guy that I'm hooking up with now kind of filled that role

really quickly. And I never had time to really even think about exploring anything with the second guy. And now it feels kind of impossible a little bit where when we hang out now, the three of us very much where like guy one and me are stuck together and we're just really close and it changed the dynamic. You and both of these guys are often hanging out, just the three of you? Yeah.

Okay. Or with like sometimes there's another guy too, that they're like four of us, but. Is this like something you're just considering on your own? Have you talked, you've talked with guy number two about you guys exploring things? You haven't. No, I don't know.

I don't really know if I can. I don't know if that would really just mess everything up. Cause I've, I don't know. I don't really know if I can. I don't know if that would really just mess everything up because I've, I don't know, Guy one and me have talked about like also having group sex or doing stuff with multiple people before and we're both very open to that. But when I brought up the second guy's a part of that first guy, he didn't seem super, he's like,

that's not who I was thinking about necessarily with multiple people. Like his buddy. Yeah, which I guess, but so now I- He's probably thinking about you and another girl. Yeah. I mean, listen. Or also another guy, I mean, both.

There is like, there are other guys. Gotcha, gotcha. So I just, yeah, I don't know if, cause I don't know what that would look like even like if I did talk to the second guy and like it went well and we maybe started doing stuff, but then like one to three of us are when we're like all hanging out kind of in a group.

I don't know what that would mean with like who I. Yeah, I mean, I don't. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either, you know, like I've never dabbled in this stuff before. That being said, I just, what does your gut tell you? It's just like, at the end of the day,

I think it's, whatever, sex positivity, you guys clearly are very communicative, that's great. Your new generation is destigmatizing, you know, group sex and open relationships and like, sure. I think it's fine to destigmatize these things, but there's also like, again, back to, you know, sex positivity. I think there's sex positivity, which is an acceptance of sex and being,

and recognizing that sex can and is at times positive. Sex positivity can be again just not judging any one person for their sexual preferences. But sex positivity isn't acting like sex is this like nothing thing that everyone just like freaks out unnecessarily about and isn't significant and meaningful to a lot of people. And I feel like a lot of people, especially younger people, confuse sex positivity with not having a reverence for sex because I think sex is an incredibly powerful thing, one of the most powerful things out there.

It involves feelings, it can be very intense. It can be confusing. You can tell yourself, oh, we're just hooking up. And then you can develop feelings even if you didn't want to, so to speak. We can deny our feelings to ourselves for the sake of avoiding awkward situations, all of the above. You know what I'm saying? And so I think it's great that you're open and all, but I think you need to start listening to yourself about what you're really feeling about this situation. And I think you need to be careful not to, well, I'm cool, like taking pride

and being chill and cool with all of the above. Oh, I'm just like, I'm this open and progressive, you know, woman of 2024 and I'm down for it all. And again, you are great, but like also it's okay to recognize when you're not okay with something. It's okay to recognize that something makes you, like you're not down for X, Y, or Z.

It's okay to recognize that you didn't expect to have feelings for this guy, for guy one, but now whether you wanted to or not, you do. And you shouldn't ignore those feelings. You shouldn't deny those feelings. You shouldn't pretend those feelings don't exist and you shouldn't be quiet about those feelings because it's inconvenient for him.

Feelings change, feeling evolves. When two adults enter into a sexual relationship like you two did, you both need to recognize that like how things started isn't how our things are going to end, that things might evolve. And both of you can't say to the other person, well, I told you that when we first started, it was only going to be emotional as sex. Like, okay, congratulations. You know, like, you know, but you're, you're human beings and feelings can evolve and change. And if you're gonna enter into sexual relationship,

then you guys always have to enter a relationship that is open for checking in and, hey, are we still, is this still, are we still comfortable with this dynamic? Or have your feelings changed? How much of that has gone in to this relationship? Clearly your feelings have evolved. And as you said, you're getting more and more confused about what your relationship status is with this guy.

And you just keep going back to the original upfront expectations that you guys set. That he has a girlfriend, you're this other side chick that you can do what you want and he's doing what he wants but you guys are hanging out and having sex. But now you are developing expectations of him regardless of the fact that you guys are communicating those expectations. And what but now you are developing expectations of him regardless of the fact that you guys are communicating those expectations.

And what's confusing to you is that you don't feel like you can talk about what your expectations are. And when I say expectations, it's your feelings. Your feelings of like, well, again, your expectation is that you talk every day. You guys can sit down and say like, oh, we're going to talk every day. You have to talk to me every day. But you guys have talked every day. You're hooking up most days and now you're just expected.

But what happens if that changes? What happens if he all of a sudden, what happens when his girlfriend calls up and says, hey, listen, I really miss you, I want us to re-evaluate our relationship, and I'm not saying we don't have an open relationship, but I need to see you more, and I want you to come out for three weeks.

And I want you in those three weeks, I want you to really focus on us. And I don't want you talking to her or these other people. Are you gonna, like, how is that gonna make you feel? I would hate that. Yeah. And that. Part of it also, I can't even imagine, I don't know,

I don't know how he would react from what I know of him and from feelings I get. I would like to think that he wouldn't wanna do that at all. I mean, it's his girlfriend. Yeah, but I just, I don't see it. I don't see, you know, time. Here's my big thing, and I'm gonna sound like

the older, boring, hopefully not condescending guy, you know, but like, if you are mature enough to have an open relationship with anyone, then you should be mature enough to have these types of conversations with these people. And you should be mature enough to check in with each other and say, hey, can we talk about what's going on?

Things have changed. I wanna communicate with you how I'm feeling about our current situation. I wanna ask you some questions about your situation. And right now, I'm not getting the sense that you're comfortable enough to do that. No, and it also, it doesn't feel real. It feels very easy to kind of just pretend

that we're dating here. She's visiting next weekend. He has a concert, he has an event, so it's the first time that she's gonna be here at something I'm gonna be at. That would be fucking wild. So that will show a lot. That will also be weird because everybody here at school

only sees us two together, so I think they all think. And what is your plan to address her coming? I mean, we've talked about her coming and he said that he- In what capacity? What have you talked about? He mentioned, so he said, I know his concert's coming up, and he told me she's probably gonna come.

I don't even know if he knows for sure, but he said she's probably gonna be here. And all he said is that, he just said it in Howlake. He was like, it'll be weird with other people watching, like thinking about what other people are thinking it's gonna be a little weird. He said that he would like us to meet, me and her. What did he said?

Something where he was like, she said before that she wants to meet you. And now after like, we've been spending so much time, he's not so sure anymore. But that was, we talked about that like a week ago, we haven't talked about it. But how did that make you feel? Do you wanna meet her?

Yeah. Size up your competition? Kind of, well, I wanna see, also just because I have, I think I'm still very, might just be like my ego, but because I'm here, I just, I feel like he likes me more. So I don't- Yeah, you wanna size up your competition. Yeah.

And I think it would be hard. I mean, I haven't, I have no idea what it will be like. I know I will feel a different kind of like weirdness and sadness if like I see them like being really close and I can see that they actually really like each other. If that happened, it would change things a lot for me. Yeah, but it also might just be very confusing for you to see.

You know, you might take his awkwardness as a sign that he really likes you, but he just feels awkward. Like, how do you really know how to read the situation? I don't know. What I think you should do. It's also because he's gonna be, like we're both graduating this semester,

so we're gonna be going to different places. He's moving to the same city that she's in now. He said they aren't planning on living together. I don't know, I think we kind of mentioned, he's like, oh, like I wanna visit you and I'd like you to visit me. And we're kind of in a field where we're always gonna be around each other forever kind of

Forever probably we're in the same like job thing and it's a small world Which is what music classical music kind of okay. We have all the same friends If you still might have an opportunity not to be in each other's lives forever. I mean, I get it's small, but like... I think we would both like... I just want to. You like them right now. Yeah, of course. We started being friends at the same time. Like just really close friends. That's the big part of it.

My, again, at the risk of sounding like slightly condescending and like the old dude, my read in the situation, and I'm going to give you like just very direct answer, as I think you guys are trying to do grown up things, but being very immature about it. Yeah, well, because it feels, it still feels like school. It feels very, school-y, but I like it. Yeah, well, because it feels, it still feels like school. It feels very school-y. Sure, but like, I like it. Sure, listen, I get why there's a lot of fun about what you're doing in the open relationship. You get to have your cake and you're in it too and it almost probably feels exciting and wrong and weird kind of at the same time. But you're how old? 24? Uh, 23. 23. Okay, yeah, still on the young, but like, you're gonna grow up fast and you know what,

you know, you're gonna be 25 and who knows, you might have a core life crisis. Still on the young, but like you're gonna grow up fast and you know what, you're gonna be 25 and who knows, you might have a core life crisis. I don't know. I know I did. But I'm just saying like you are an adult, you know, and you're doing adult things. At a minimum, what I think you should do if you haven't figured it out already is I think you need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel about him. And it's not because you have any idea how he's gonna answer that question.

And right now you're not saying things to him because you're assuming his answers. You're assuming he's gonna pick her, you're assuming he's gonna say, well, hey, like, you know, like, it's not what we talked about. Hey, I'm eventually gonna move to her city. At the end of the day, if two people want to make it work, they make it work. And his way of making it work with her is to have sex with you. And I, you know, I can't speak for him, but again, I don't think you guys are handling this in the most mature and adult way. And I think this has a recipe for disaster in the long run. I think you should challenge yourself

to start communicating about how you feel, about every feeling you have towards him. Because you're right, he's not your boyfriend per se, but he is someone that you're building an emotional connection with that's missing some really important elements, you know, like trust and safety. You can't possibly feel emotionally safe with this guy

because you don't even know if you're able to ask him certain questions or tell him exactly how you feel, and that matters. And your solution is to maybe have sex with his friend. if you're able to ask them certain questions or tell them exactly how you feel. And that matters. And your solution is to maybe have sex with his friend. Yeah, yeah, I just don't know, because I guess I don't know what I would be asking. I don't know the purpose of why I'd be asking,

because I would love to tell them that, like, I like you so much, and if you were open to it, I would love to just date you and let it be a thing and be. But I don't have a second part of that where I'm like, but if you can't do this, then I'm out. Because I wouldn't want to be out either way. So it doesn't really matter what his answer will be.

Back to when I say you guys are doing adult things, but kind of being immature about it. Again, not to sound, but like life as you get older is going to be about making tough choices. You are eventually not going to be able to have everything you want when you want it. You're going to have to make sacrifices to the things that matter most to you. You're going to have to make compromises. That is life. That's adulthood. And right now you guys are still very much operating the like, let's figure out ways we can have everything we want without making any sacrifices.

And your way of having sacrifices is just ignore and deny your feelings. And you are comfortable with being confused right now. And that's fine because you have very little responsibility. You're only responsible for yourself and things like that, but that's going to change eventually. And so, yeah, like you might have to say no to him. You might have to say goodbye to him.

Because like you can't control how you feel about him. And this is only gonna get more and more confusing. You know what's really gonna suck? Is if you don't have a conversation with this guy, she comes out, he is somehow able to navigate that weekend without you saying, fuck this, he likes her more than me, I don't know, or whatever. Let's say she comes out and he's able to figure out how

when she goes back to whatever city she lives in, you guys just kind of go back to your normal routine. And then he moves. And eventually someone in this threesome is gonna say, I can't do this anymore. I don't know, unless you guys decide to have a throuple and the three of you get married, I guess that's a possibility,

but I'm not getting the vibe that's what you're down for in the long run. I'm getting the vibe that like right now, you are down to be a 23 year old, like pretty chill, sexual, like you're exploring your sexuality, you're having fun, you're in this exploratory life, which is great, and 23, what a great time to do that.

But you're also kind of not acknowledging some of your other needs. And for the sake of being very exploratory with your sex life, you are sacrificing other aspects of your emotional needs and you can only ignore your, deny your needs and ignore your needs for so long. They will eventually show up and say, you need to do this. And if time and life forces the issue, if you don't get the answer you want, you will feel out of control

and it will be a harder pill to swallow because you won't have a choice to make. You will have to accept whatever the universe says is gonna happen, so to speak. Does that make sense? Yeah, yes it does. And it's, cause I would never wanna do this. Like I wouldn't ever wanna be in an open relationship. says is gonna happen, so to speak. Does that make sense? Yeah, yes it does. Cause I would never wanna do this.

Like I wouldn't ever wanna be in an open relationship. That's crazy for you to say. You are in one. Well. Nope, not well. On my, well yes. You are. You are.

Well I'm not even in a relationship right now. Yes you are. You are in a relationship with this guy. You call whatever the fuck you want, but you are in a relationship with it guy you call whatever the fuck you want But you are in a relationship with it a relationship to me and again I'm just some some dude without any professional experience whatsoever But in my humble opinion a relationship starts when people have expectations of each other You can call whatever the fuck it is what you want

but when you when you wake up and you have an expectation of someone else to meet your emotional needs, your inner relationship, and you have that of him. Yeah, but it's only him. What do you mean? Sure. But you have to share him. Yeah, you're not getting the- Well, it doesn't feel like I'm not sharing right. I know I know I am, but I think it's easy

because right now I'm not. You're right, most days you do, you're right, you're right. Most days you can ignore the fact that he has a girlfriend, but it's always there, it's always in the back of your mind. Every day and every day it's gonna get harder and harder. Every, it might not be like super hard, but every day you're gonna be like, I want to ask him this, I want to expect this from him. Maybe it's a trip you want to take, I don't know, you're, you're, you're gonna evolve. We all evolve. Nothing stays the same. It either grows or dies. You are getting too good at

ignoring your needs for the sake of staying connected to him and letting him call the shots. I'm just saying at some point, you're not going to be able to do that. And I would rather see you take control of your life. And in addition to just being some like sexual positive and exploratory young lady, I'd also want you to like invoke your power and take control and make decisions for yourself and sometimes make tough choices. And listen, you don't have to make a choice, but you should at least, you know, because you're like, I was like, I think you, I said to you, hey, I think you should communicate your feelings and your responses. Well, I don't know if I'm in a position, you assumed his answer,

right? Because basically you said, well, if he tells me no, if I'm in a position, you assumed his answer, right? Because basically you said, well, if he tells me no, then I'm not ready to give up on him or the sex or whatever it is. So you're already assuming his answer, you already know his answer, and then you are deciding what you are already going to do with that answer. And that answer is to just kind of ignore your emotional needs, because you think your physical needs are more pressing. And maybe they are for a certain extent but like that's not you taking control of your life. Yeah well also I feel like he gives me the

emotional, he gives me both. Yeah he definitely feels a lot of your emotional needs but not all of it that's for sure. Yeah and I think I'm realizing that it's related to why I'm having trouble figuring out what to do with the second guy because right now I'm in this middle place where what's stopping me from just like openly flirting and doing things with the second guy is that a part of me is like, what if first guy would just want to date me and that would hurt him to see us together. Exactly.

But then the reason I want to do anything with the second guy is because I'm only here for like two more months. And if it's never gonna be anything like permanent or long-term with the first guy, then I'll be upset that I wasted this time and I didn't explore things with the second guy. Yeah, you kinda answered your question yourself. Listen, my advice is you need to tell this guy, number one, how you feel.

And it has nothing to do with what you think he's going to say. It's because you owe it to yourself to just put it out in the universe how you actually feel about him. And that's what two mature adults do. And if you can be in an open relationship, which again, you are a part of one, then you should be able to have these types of conversations. And if you can't, then you're not, in my opinion,

emotionally mature enough to be in this type of relationship. It's one thing to just fuck around and be in a hookup culture and to sleep around, but like you are building an emotional connection with this guy with a lot of restrictions on how you're able to operate. Yeah. And you're and you are convincing yourself that you have to accept certain things you wouldn't normally accept if you didn't agree to be in this type of relationship. But they're like, well I agree and so then

you know again you don't your feelings have changed you need to recognize that and you need to communicate that to him. And then as two adults you can figure out where you go from there. You don't have to make a decision, but you- Yeah, yeah, I think I didn't realize how much not knowing was affecting. And also knowing that I can talk to them, but not have to have like a decision or anything also.

Yeah, well, yeah, and you're right. My guess is he'll probably like, you know, fuck it. Most guys, most people don't want to give things up for nothing. And this is a guy who can sleep with two women at the same time. Not necessarily at the same time, but like, so he's not going to give that up very easily. And to be totally honest, like just like any other relationship with girls, if it's open or not, for you to get what you want and what you ultimately want as a relationship with this guy, let's not pretend that's not the case,

you're gonna have to say goodbye. You're gonna have to say, well I like you too much, I don't want to share you anymore, I'm sorry if this is inconvenient for you, I'm sure she'll hate me for this but this is how I feel and if you can't give me what I want then I have to stop this and he's gonna kick and scream and throw a fit and he's gonna say blah blah blah and you're gonna have to stop this and he's gonna kick and scream and throw a fit and he's gonna say blah blah blah and you're gonna have to walk away and he's gonna have to miss you and he's gonna have to realize what he isn't getting that you can offer him because you're right you probably meet so many of emotional needs he doesn't even fully appreciate you because he's just you know he's got this girlfriend

he's got you you know he he doesn't have to appreciate you you haven't made him appreciate you so you're going to have to almost certainly walk away and say, listen, I don't care if you're moving to her hometown, I do not care. What I care about is we have something great, we have something special, I've really grown to care about you, I think you care about me. I don't wanna share you anymore,

and I wanna figure it out and make it work regardless of what we ever have to do. And that's what I want. That's crazy. I didn't, I don't, yeah, I guess. Yeah, no, I shouldn't. What's crazy about that? I can't even.

It's not as crazy as having an open relationship. And what's so crazy to me is like the old 43 year old and listen, I'm as sex positive as the next guy and I'm as not judgmental, but like, isn't it kind of telling that like, as a society, we're all like, you know, getting naked, exchanging fluids, whipping our dicks around, you know, like sending nudes, but like having a conversation

about our feelings is fucking nuts. Yeah, I just, it's, I just couldn't even imagine walking away, I don't know at what point I know, but I do know that like that if she were here, if she lived here and we were doing the same thing, I wouldn't be able to do it. And if he wanted to also see another girl here, if he wanted to add another girl,

another girl that he was kind of seeing here, I couldn't handle that either. You're saying some profound things that I don't think you realize how profound they are. Like you clearly have very a lot of restrictions on this relationship and he you know and you need to communicate this stuff. I mean I have no idea about the relationship. It sounds like it's just eventually going to end. You know who knows who she's sleeping with, or who she might be developing feelings for, I don't know. But you like this guy, you care about him,

sounds like you think there's really something good here, and maybe you started this open relationship with the best of intentions. It's like, hey, it's 2024, we should be able to do this, and he's not ready to say goodbye, and hey, we're super hip and trendy, progressive sexual animals. But like now at the end of the day,

you develop some feelings, you care about them, you think there's potential here, and you should wanna fight for that. Because I mean, if you listen to this show, it's hard enough, people are having a hard time even meeting people they give a shit about. And you give a shit about him, and he gives a shit about you. And instead of just going through the motions

and taking what he's willing to give you, I think you should fight for him. Okay, okay, yeah, I can do that. And if he tells you no, now the fact that this guy's this other guy, back to this other guy for a second, I think you should just put him on pause forever. If you really care about this guy. Cause what I'm saying is if you actually take my advice

and you fight for him, and he, again, let's assume he's going to first tell you no. Because that's, I mean, that's just what he's gonna do. He's a guy, you're telling him you can no longer get all this stuff for free. He's going to, people throw temper tantrums when you take something away from them. And going to fuck his friend as an immediate response, isn't going to get you to where you want to be. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

If eventually down the road, you say goodbye to him, you enforce that boundary. He says, all right, well, sorry, I see you go. But, and he stays with the other girl and you finally get your answer. Like, well, this guy was never really going to pick me and you sincerely want to try it with this other guy, then go nuts. But make sure there's a clear separation here. Like, you know what I'm saying? You need to really be done with guy number one before you dabble with guy number two. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. All right. Well, I am, I am all in. I'm invested on what happens next with you.

Fascinating, I appreciate you calling in and having this conversation with me. Yeah, thank you so, I mean, thank you so much. I realized lots of things. I also feel like I can, I'm still worried, I still feel like I'm gonna have this talk with him, excited to do it. I can't see myself.

Call back with him, excited to do it. I can't see myself. Like if he says no, if you like. Call back with him on. Maybe, I don't know, I feel like either way, I'm still gonna, like even if he says like, no, he doesn't wanna break up with his girlfriend, I would still wanna keep seeing him until I leave, like for the next two months. Okay. I can't imagine not.

I hear you. I am just here to say the best things you'll ever have in your life will come at the greatest cost. Yeah. You're in classic music, you know? Are you good? Yeah. How much work have you put into it?

A lot. How much sacrifices have you made for it? Nothing, because it's all that really mattered. So actually- You haven't had many? I don't know if I've had any sacrifices. To time? Oh, maybe sacrifices are longer. Nothing, because it's all that really mattered. So actually, I don't know if I say it's sacrifice. You haven't had many, like, to time? Oh, maybe sacrifice is the wrong word. Time, yeah, but it's like, it's a good thing.

But I get what you're saying. I'm just saying, yeah, the best things, the best things, the things you value most will either be the things you work at the hardest or have to make the biggest sacrifices or the most compromised. Why? Because otherwise, the things that we have in abundance,

we never appreciate. Yeah, I think I just I like this guy is the best like it's I don't know it's the closest I've ever been to somebody and it's the most fun it's the most where I can see how good it is so I think I just it just feels so easy and those things are few and far between you know so I think it's worth he needs to again I can't I can't stress enough that he won't pick you until he realizes what he lost. Okay. So. Cool.

Let me know if I'm wrong. I'll do it. No, yeah. All right, well, we'd love an update. And- I will definitely, yeah. Wishing you all the best. Thank you.

All right, take care. Thank you so much. You know, my pleasure. Thank you. All right, take care. Thank you so much. You're my pleasure. Thank you. All right, bye bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Care Of. Care Of.

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Gramily.com slash podcast. Easier said, done. How's it going? Good. My name's Abby and I'm 28. How can we help Abby? So I lied to my boyfriend and now everything I do or say is a lie in his perspective.

What did you lie about? So I live with a few roommates here and just to preface, my boyfriend lives here too, but my roommates are significantly younger than I am, and they invited some people over. Okay, I wanna try something out here for fun. Give me the one sentence answer as to why you lied, and then give me the backstory,

and then give me the backstory. But I want the short answer not the explanation first because the explanation first sounds like you're trying to justify whether you are or not and I just want to hear the Reason first and then we can get into the explanation. So I accepted attention from somebody that's not my boyfriend. Okay. All right Now explain so yeah, so my roommates are significantly younger than me, which is no excuse, obviously, but they invited some people over. And your roommates are all women? Yes, except for my boyfriend who lives here too.

And they invited some people over and also they're single women as well. So let that be what it is. But we had, you know, kind of a dirty situation where we were all drinking during the day. And then that night we all went downtown. And while we were there, I kind of got to know some of her friends a little bit better and everything was fine. The following week, a similar situation, except we just exclusively went downtown and we were drinking. That night, I actually accepted dude's number

and he tried to kiss me that night. And I didn't say no, but like I didn't kiss him, but I didn't say no to giving him my contact information. What led to you accepting a guy's number? I don't know. I feel like a dirt bag about it. I've kind of walked through it with my therapist a bit and I can't pass blame off anybody else. I just liked the attention and I liked the interaction.

I'm not asking for some like complicated answer. Like I appreciate the honest and simple answer. You liked the attention and it sounds like you didn't consider anyone else's feelings in that moment other than the attention that you were feeling. Yeah, it was selfish all in all. Okay. And so that happened and like we didn't stay in direct contact at all. Like he would Snapchat me on occasion like if I were to post something to my story,

he would respond to it and then it would be like a simple like laughing face emoji or something like that. And then the following week, we need to get your Snapchat that night. And he tried to kiss me. Yeah. Okay. And so when you say he tried to kiss you and you didn't say no, does that mean he kissed you? No, it was more or less me not saying no to giving him my contact information. Gotcha. And like when he tried to kiss me, I did tell him, I was like, I have a boyfriend, like, you know, he lives with me. No. But even after that, so the following weekend, my boyfriend had a couple of friends over and they were eating mushrooms and

I was not on mushrooms and I was trying to hang out with them and I kind of got the vibe that I wasn't wanted there. And that guy actually messaged me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with them, him, his brother and his friend. And so I left and I went and hung out with them and I ended up getting really drunk and stayed at the bar after those guys had left and called my boyfriend for a ride home at like one in the morning. I didn't answer understandably, he's probably sleeping or whatever.

And then I called dude to give me a ride home and he gave me a ride home and we hung out in the backyard for like three hours drinking beers. This dude was in your, you and your boyfriend's backyard? Yeah I know. I mean it's funny it's uh it's just ridiculous yeah I know. So how did when at what point did you like because what point did you lie about it because at this point you're just doing because I so when I got back inside, when I came inside,

my boyfriend woke up and confronted me and asked me what the fuck was going on. And I lied and I said that dude gave me a ride home and then I sat outside by myself, which was a lie. Okay. And so now it broke the trust. Well, does your boyfriend know the full truth now? Yes, he does.

And at what point did you come clean? About a week after that. So he confronted you, you were like, I wasn't thinking about myself. Did he know you were lying or? I think so, yeah. I mean, we've been together for three years and I. And so then a week later, like what out of pure guilt, you said, hey, I lied to you been together for three years and I and so then a week later like what out of pure guilt you said

Hey, I've been I lied to you. This is what happened. I met this guy a Couple weeks ago. He hit on me. Try to kiss me. Yes for my number. I gave it to him I don't matter boyfriend, but I entertained a couple messages Nothing really happened But like I definitely hung out with him and I liked the attention and then we hung out in the backyard. Is that what happened or? Pretty much, yeah. So the way it came up and like the way, you know, me confessing came up was that my roommate had brought him

up and asked him if he could come over. And I was like, no, absolutely not. And my boyfriend, he was like, well, why? And I had to tell him, you know, like, why can't he come here? Like what happened? You know, he was suspicious of me saying no to having him at my house.

Oh, okay. And then you came clean. How long ago was this? About three weeks now. Gotcha, how has he been towards you since? It's up and down. So I got a haircut probably two weeks ago and he accused me of wanting to do that,

to impress other men, even though the haircut had been booked for, you know, two, three months at that point. Yeah, I mean, like he's smiling right now, you know, like the reality is, how old is your boyfriend? You've been together for three years? Yeah, he's 32. He's 32, okay.

Why do you, out of curiosity, like why did the two of you live with a bunch of other younger women? Because I just bought a house. Okay. And when I bought the house, me and my boyfriend were actually broken up at the time. And so I have a four bedroom and there's only one of me.

And so I filled the space and now everybody's under a year lease. And you know, there's four of us here. Gotcha. Are you, are you, and when the lease is up, are you gonna, what's your plan? I think we're going to keep one, which is not this one that has come up in discussion. She's going to stay and then we're debating getting one more roommate, which would be actually one of me and his mutual friends. Is this like a, you only can afford the house if you have tenants situation? It's a, I'm trying to pay off my student loans and like build up an emergency fund before I, you know, drop the cashflow, I guess.

Understood, okay. It's just like- Yeah, I've had a lot of stuff come up. Like I had to invest like $15,000. So I was gonna be there and not have two roommates. What'd you invest $15,000 in? Into my full-time job. Okay.

So they offered me a small, teeny tiny ownership. So. Okay. Well, hopefully that. They came up out of nowhere. And now. Hopefully that pays off in the future. Yeah, I suppose. But they have me by the balls. So. What is your job? I'm a genetic technologist, is my formal title.

Okay. Why did, why? I'm then a research coordinator. It's like a small startup? Like, why did you have to invest? Um, it's not a small startup, but it is a smaller company. So they kind of, um, the CEO is also like there every day. So it's owned by what was owned by four people total who all work there. And now it's about nine of us that own a small sliver of it,

but they started the company about 10 years ago and have kept it within the family essentially. So it's, I mean, I should get back at least half of my investment in the first two years. I'm just curious, I was just curious about that. Why did you and your boyfriend break up in the first place? Why did we break up in the first place? So he's also starting a company,

which is kind of going well, but it was a lot of stress on that end. And then we have slightly different priorities and not like the overall priority, but like the, I guess, timeline of these things. So like starting a family, owning a home was a big thing and like potentially getting married. So like I wanted to buy this house. I wanted to kind of step forward with everything and, you know, start the new chapter in our lives and he wasn't ready.

And that's why I own the house and he doesn't at all. Because when we broke up, I just kinda threw my cash at it because I had been saving to be a homeowner. And he wasn't ready for what? Marriage, kids, all of the above? Yeah, because he's got his own company right now and all of his attention and money is going to that. Well.

He is a cannabis grower. Oh, good for him. The way you said it, like, well, he wasn't ready, so I just decided to buy the house on my own. Like, thank God. You're not married, you know? Yeah. I do not understand why people who are dating,

even if they're engaged, buy property together. Fucking nightmare. Might as well get married, you know? That's a legal contract that you guys share together that it's not easy to get out of. That's basically what marriage is. It's like a mini marriage that people just do for I don't know what.

They think it's some sort of financial benefit. I don't know, like, oh, I get to own a house together. For me, it was more of the commitment is what I was looking for. Sure, but like, if you want a commitment, actually get a commitment, don't circumvent a commitment, you know, because that's an indirect way of getting a commitment.

It's like, oh, you don't want to commit to me, you don't want to get an engagement, you don't want to have kids, but let's buy a property together because it's a good investment. You're selling it as a good investment, but what you really want, like you just said, is a commitment. And like, it's disingenuous,

not only to your boyfriend, but to yourself, most importantly. Like, you're just kind of, it's like when people move in together because like they think it's gonna save their relationship because the relationship has been having problems and you're just like, well, let's move in because like we'll be forced to fall in love again.

Again, I've done that, so like no judgment, but we do that sometimes. So I think, like I said, you buying this house on your own with your own money and you own outright by yourself is incredibly, you were lucky that it ended up that way because you made the smart decision without wanting to make the smart decision. It was like you reluctantly made the smart decision.

And if you and your boyfriend continue to work through these problems that you're having, then all the better, you get married, then fine. You'll share that property unless you do, you know, sign some sort of prenup or whatever, but sharing this house together wasn't gonna save or fix or make your relationship better. You know what I'm saying?

The problem that you called in for, the lying and the wanting attention from your boyfriend, boy, imagine how if you own this property together, how you would feel, both of you, about the pressures of working through this problem. You know, like you don't wanna work through this problem because you own property together. You wanna work through this problem

because you both want to stay together or you think it's worth it. My question to you is like, why do you think you did it and do you really wanna fix this relationship? I mean, I get you did for the attention, but why do you feel like you needed the attention? Insecure, I don't know, maybe it's insecurity a bit where I guess this is the first long-term,

I would say serious relationship that I've had or that I'm serious about them. Not like, it's a two two way street in this relationship. In the past, it's always been a bit more noncommittal on my end. And I guess I, for a little bit, was playing out like, if this relationship is worth being in, I don't know, testing the waters, which is, I feel like a dirt bag about it. I mean, listen, y'all made a mistake.

There's no sense in beating yourself up. The question is now is what do you wanna do with the mistake that you made? Do you feel this utter regret because you realized that you risked your boyfriend's trust and now you have to build that back, but you now know more than, you scared yourself back in love almost,

where it's just like, holy shit, I almost like, thank God, he hasn't even broke up with me. There's still a lot of work to do, but holy shit, like I almost ruined a really great thing. Or are you still like, like should we be, are you questioning your relationship still, but you, you know, feeling guilty about what you did, fine.

You know, you can feel guilty about what you did, regardless of how you feel about your relationship with your boyfriend, but you need to figure out how what you did, fine, you know, you can feel guilty about what you did, regardless of how you feel about your relationship with your boyfriend, but you need to figure out how you feel about your relationship with your boyfriend. Yeah, and like I want to be in a relationship with him. Your first situation there where it's like, holy shit, like I almost blew up a really good thing.

Okay. And that's where I'm at with it. And I just want to be able to rebuild that trust and to maintain it. And I'm struggling with that a little bit because everything I do, like I said, is, it's become a lie, which is completely understandable. Like I don't understand. You're only three weeks into this thing. I know. It's a bit raw for him. And it's gonna take time. And our personality differences too, he's a very jealous person overall.

And I knew that and I know that. And I kinda tip toe around that most of the time. I'm just afraid that with the situation in the future, it's going to become a reoccurring thing. So like if we get an argument, let's say about the dishes, whatever, and then this will come up or like, am I not allowed to be around people anymore?

Of course, you are. And that's obviously a ridiculous thing. You don't actually think that, you know, but like- I do feel like a bit, I need to ask the permission on a lot of things now. Like what? I feel like I need to like check in

and like make sure he knows exactly what I'm doing, where I'm at, like I have to- What do you mean by that? Because that could mean so many different things. That could mean possessive and jealous and a little too controlling, and that could be like, of course you check in with your partner, you know?

Like which one, you know, it's like, checking in. It's asking permission. Where, like, if it's something I wanna do, it's more or less like, I need to ask before I do. You know what I mean? Like if I wanted to go to the gym, I'd be like, hey, I need, like, I'm gonna go to the gym.

Is that cool? Not necessarily being like, is it okay with you if I go there? It's just. And this is like always or since in the past three weeks? It's kind of been a bit of both. It's not necessarily as intense as it is now, the last three years.

But yeah, the last three weeks, it's been more or less having to do that. What conversations have the two of you had since this revelation about like, yeah, I guess, well, yeah, what have you guys, what have you said to each other? Like, where does he stand? I mean, I get everything he thinks everything you say into is a lie right now, but like, does he want to be with you? What have you said to him about your intentions with him? You know, again, you gave the haircut example. Like, yeah, right now he's feeling

not enough, literally. You know, he wasn't enough. You needed attention from some other guy and he wasn't enough. And so that he feels that, right? So now you get a haircut, it's like, yeah, of course he's gonna think, is she doing this for me or is she just doing it for more attention from other men because clearly, attention from me isn't enough. Now, he might need to step up and then giving you attention department, but that doesn't justify you needing attention from other spaces. But like, these are natural feelings. But like, what have you done in the past three weeks to try to, again, build back up not only the trust, but like his sense of, you know, value to you. You know, what have you said to him

that made him feel like you were really appreciative of him as a boyfriend, as a partner? You know, what have you said to him to make him feel more attractive and desirable? You know, you know what I'm saying? Like stuff like that. Yeah, like some actions that I guess I've taken is, well, I quit drinking, number one, um, because I felt like that was a huge, I guess trigger. And obviously I like, I behaved

shitty when I was drunk. So quit drinking. I also put up a calendar in our bathroom that changes every month that just kind of lays out what's going on during the month and kind of where I'm going to be at or whatever appointments stuff like that just so we can have a little bit more transparency and communication. We obviously have had discussions about the situation. He hasn't really said anything that he's going to do on his part, but like, I'm trying to get over the hurdle of being completely raw and transparent with everything and I'm you know with being appreciated telling like telling him he's appreciated if I come home something's done like I obviously will acknowledge that you know thank

him give him a kiss or whatever other Other than that, I mean, I don't really know what to do. Well, I don't like this whole, like this calendar thing, is this new? Like, here's my schedule, here's where you can find me. It's new, yeah. That's not gonna build. Within the last three weeks. That's not gonna build back trust.

I'm a big- You don't think so? I don't, I don't know. My therapist loved it. Why? So I don't know. My therapist loved it. Why? I don't know. Because she, because that was like the biggest thing is like I was afraid of his reaction. Number one is why I lied in the first place. Cause that was what he said. Like if you would have just told me straight up right away, this went to bed a big issue, but I'm not sure if I even believe that even now. So putting the calendar up was my way of laying my life out and being completely vulnerable and honest about everything.

I like the open communication. I like the idea that you guys don't have secrets. Again, I think it's a subtlety, but I think being considerate and letting each other know where you're going to be and checking in and, hey, are you okay with me going so, you know? Like I don't think you need permission to go hang with your girlfriends. I mean, you live together, so it's a little different.

When you live together, it is a little different. Hey, I'm going to go out with my friends. It's not like you're asking permission, you're just letting them know. Now if you're going to go out with your friends and there's going to be other men around or the environment, you, you know, put yourself in their shoes. Are you putting yourself in an environment that could make them uncomfortable unless you give them a heads up? You know, then it's not so much asking permission, but it's like, hey, babe, I just want you to know, like, this is a situation. I want to know how you're feeling about it. I want to know what

your comfort level is. How can I make you feel more comfortable if this is going to make you feel uncomfortable? Like, I can totally understand if you don't want me to go. That's a huge, that type of language and that type of conversation is a big difference in, do I have your permission to go to this thing? Mom, dad, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's all about the vibe. Like he is not your parent.

He doesn't have say over what you do or vice versa. But if you are in a relationship, you both should want to be considerate of the other person and their feelings. And you should want them to make sure that every situation you put yourself in and vice versa, the other person is comfortable with it. And you're respectful.

Yeah, and you're doing it because you want the other person to always feel comfortable and have the trust that you have nothing to hide. It's not making a count or being like, just you know, this is where I'm gonna be. Like, Nellie and I know each other's passwords on our phones and we follow each other on our GPS, but it's not because like, you know how many times

I've looked at her phone and looked at her messages and looked at like zero times? I just like, if I have to fucking look, man, it's just like, it's over for me, you know? But I have access to her stuff because like, you know, it's always like, can I use your phone, take a picture of her daughter or vice versa? There, you know, we live together, so there's a million reasons why it just might be more convenient for me to have her password on her phone so I can go and get the thing that she

needs me to get and vice versa. It's not so that we can like spy on each other because we're both insecure. But it's creating that environment of open and transparency that like you do have nothing to hide, you know, and things like that. And some of times it's sitting down with your partner and setting the table. It's like, listen, I fucked up. I recognize that.

I really hurt you and I hurt our relationship and I feel sick to my stomach about it. And I wanna sit down with you and I want us to work together. And I know like a lot of it comes with me but at the same time and maybe the I don't know and maybe a couples therapist can help navigate this this does definitely sound like a job for a couple's therapist because you guys have to get back on the same page you have to reconnect it's not going to

be easy to do on your own because you know fine you fucked up whatever but clearly there are things about the relationship and things the way he does things that bother you. That doesn't justify what you did. But him having a jealous side to him, you fucking up doesn't validate his jealousy. Like, in a bad way it does, it's like, oh, well, I guess I have a right to be jealous.

Like, you shouldn't be with someone who's unnecessarily jealous. Jealousy comes from an insecurity of either something you're doing or something that they're feeling from either about themselves or a past relationship or maybe both. And now, my guess is his jealousy when you first started dating had to do more with him in his past and now his jealousy is a combination of the two because of you what you did. Well he did he did relate this. He was like, well, you're quitting drinking, you got your haircut,

now you're going to the gym more, whatever. And he's like, that's exactly what my ex did when she had a cheating partner. Like, I guess she got caught and then like, made changes. So he's already been cheated on. And then, yeah, yeah. Okay, so you're dealing with that. You're gonna have to go out of your way to re-

And we are so different. That doesn't matter. Yeah. That, okay, so you're dealing with that. You're gonna have to go out of your way to re- And we are so different. That doesn't matter. Like, yeah. That's irrelevant. That's irrelevant. You have to build up, again, not only the trust, but you have to build your, it's more about building back your connection than the trust.

Right now, you guys are very disconnected. You are a threat to his insecurities. You are a trigger for his past. Doesn't matter if you're completely two different women. Like at the end of the day, most people cheat because regardless of the reason why they needed the attention, some trigger from their past and daddy issues, whatever the fuck, who knows.

Either way, you needed that validation that he wasn't good enough in that moment. And you might be totally different people, but like, you know, it's not like there's one type of personality that cheats. Everyone cheats. Every astrology sign. Doesn't matter if you're a Libra or an Aquarius or Gemini, they've all cheated. You know what I'm saying? Like, so the fact that you're totally different isn't gonna make him feel better. And in his mind, you cheated. You did.

Yeah, he has said that. Then you need to recognize that, maybe you didn't fuck some guy, but on some ways it doesn't matter. Trust is trust and lies are lies. Imagine how sick it would make you feel if the roles were reversed. All of a sudden some girl gives him his number,

he could easily say no, he says yes, he's Snapchatting with her, all of it. Some girl is in your backyard of the house you own and he's just like flirting with her. And you know how people work, your boyfriend knows how it works, right? I'm sure you told him everything, but you can't possibly tell him everything.

You didn't tell him about every little glance and every little laugh that you guys had and every little joke that made you giggle and feel good about yourself or made you feel sexy. You didn't say that, and obviously you didn't tell him about every little glance and every little laugh that you guys had and every little joke that made you giggle and feel good about yourself or made you feel sexy. You didn't say that, and obviously you didn't because that would be fucking cruel if you did. But you know how flirting works, and so does he. He's playing that in his mind.

Again, this is more about you guys building back, back to why couples therapy is something I highly recommend. Again, because you did something, but he has his triggers. And while you may be at fault, there are things that you both can work on a relationship. And so when you guys are trying to reconnect, you might have to say something to him like,

oh listen, there's things I have problems with, and he's gonna always wanna go back to the cheating or the thing that you did the thing, and that's not productive. And so, have you had basically a come to Jesus conversation with him saying, listen, I know I fucked up, I know we have a lot of work to do, I know I have work to do, and I know like,

yeah, I quit drinking, I'm working out, but like, I want to be with you, I wanna make this work. I feel a lot of regret and remorse, I feel scared that I ruined this relationship, but like, I want to be with you, and I wanna do whatever I can to make us stronger and I'm hoping you're willing to do that with me. And are you down?

Have you said that to him? Yes, yeah, I have. In those words? Like, not all of them. How did you say it? But yes, I did tell him like, you know, I screwed up and I realized that and I was a coward and that's the whole reason I lied in the first place, because I was afraid of a reaction that I created in my head that I projected

onto you. And you know, I did, I was like, if we are breaking up, I completely understand, but if we're not, then we have to like choose each other. And these are the changes I'm committed to making. But I mean, I didn't ask him about anything. I guess I didn't tell him the things that bother me. I mostly focused on my style. That's fine. That's my, you know, probably a little earlier for that.

It's just more, I don't want you to say things like, well, if we break up, you know? Cause that's all he's gonna hear. He doesn't wanna break up with you. He doesn't want you to do this. You gotta be very careful about the language you use in these situations. What do you mean, if we break up?

I don't wanna break up, you know? He is afraid that you are trying to find a way out of this relationship. You gotta remember that you are reminding him of someone who already did this shit to him. Yeah. And someone who really hurt him. So what he needs, I'm guessing,

is more of you saying how much you want this to work and how much you are willing to make this work and you are hoping that he is willing to do that with you. And yeah, you can get into like, we have work to do, but yes, now is not the time to bring up, well, just so you know, you do things too. This is more, right now you need to like remind him of how badly you wanna fight for this relationship.

And you want to work on the things that trigger you and you wanna get healthy and like, and all the things that you are doing right now, the quitting drinking, working out, it's for him, you know? And I don't want, you know, like listen, I want to do what I need to do to make you feel comfortable. I'll make a calendar fine. But I also, I just want us to build up that trust.

And I want, and I know it's gonna take time. And I want you to, like, and again, a lot of it is like making sure that we're checking, again, I'm getting the sense that for you, and maybe him too, that checking in feels like asking for permission. And to me, a healthy relationship isn't that checking in feels like asking for permission. And to me, a healthy relationship isn't checking in, isn't asking for permission, it's being

considerate. Yeah, that's fair. You shouldn't not want to be considerate to your partner. You shouldn't be resistant to be like, oh, well, I have to tell my boyfriend where I'm going. That's not the vibe you should feel when you are checking in with each other. You're checking in because you always want your partner to feel safe and secure about what you're doing. Yeah, I guess that's something that I've practiced. I mean, even today I was like, hey,

you know, I have this going on. I'm, since this got canceled, I'm going to do that, etc. Just kind of filling it in. And I guess I should just ask him what his expectations are with that. You know, like if all of like the calendar and like location and all that stuff, if that's even helping build the trust, if he even wants that. That's a great point. If you are even, so you're, you never really asked him if this was helpful. Not with the calendar thing, no. I just started taking actions, trying to prove.

I love the intention. And listen, you're a therapist, a therapist and I'm not, I'm just some fucking guy. So take my advice you want. But to me, you not asking if this would be helpful, how do you know if it's helpful? And I'm not saying you are, by any. But to me, you not asking if this would be helpful, how do you know if it's helpful? And I'm not saying you are, by any stretch of the imagination, but like really great liars and deceitful people,

like, well, are very good at making it and giving you a false sense of security. So if you are making some calendar that he didn't even ask and he doesn't even know what it's about, like how does he fucking know it's not even bullshit? Oh, here's a calendar, here's where I'm gonna be, oh, here's my GPS location. Again, good liars can cheat that shit.

And if he is, you know what I'm saying? So like, if he's not even asking for it, you know. And they come off as manipulation. I don't know, or just like, it's not, you know. And like, I don't wanna track, you know, like I don't wanna track you, I don't know. But it's that, it's sitting down and saying, hey, listen, what can we do to be more connected

and what can I do to make you feel more, you know? I fucked up and I don't want you to say that you made him feel like less than because let him say that, don't say that to him. But like, it's more like empathy, you know? It's more, if you did to me what I did to you, I would be crushed. And I'm thinking about if the roles were reversed

and how hurt and how upset I would be and how much I would be sick to my stomach and how hard of a time would I have to trust you. I wanna do whatever I can to earn that back, but I don't wanna assume anything I'm gonna do. So what can we do? What can we sit down? It's just, it's putting in that effort.

Just show the effort of over communication. Making a calendar without someone asking it, it's like, it's almost, yeah, it's almost like, it can come across as almost like, fine, you're gonna make me do this, I'll share my calendar with you. I don't know, you know? Yeah, and I can see that perspective,

and I think maybe some clarification would be useful for that, because it was as much for me as it is for us. You know? And maybe I like, I need to just communicate that better. And that's something I know I need to work on because I'm like, I don't know. What's his love language? He won't even tell me.

I've asked him like six times. He thinks it's dumb. Okay, well you've been dating him for three years. It's definitely, it's not physical touch, definitely. I would say words of affirmation, acts of service. Okay, well there you go, words of affirmation, acts of service, so there you go, this is why I asked. Because when was the last time you sent him a message

just telling him how thankful you are to have him in his life, how proud you are of him, how cool it is? Yesterday. Great, do more of that. And was yesterday the first time in a while or is that a regular thing that you do? It's a regular thing, I'd say. And even if it's not over text,

I try to communicate in person too. Okay, so you were doing this prior? Yeah, absolutely. How do you receive it? I mean, fairly well. I just don't know if it's become something that he's so used to that maybe it's not as significant. Maybe, no.

I mean, listen, also when he says like, love languages are stupid, he can't, you know, that's not like, okay, well, love language, call it what you want, but like, at the end of the day, how can't, you know, that's not like, well, love, call it what you want, but like at the end of the day, how can I, fine, don't call it love languages. How can I make you feel more loved? How can I make you feel more valued?

How can I make you feel more secure? Regardless of what happened, like you should be, you know, let's say this didn't happen. You should have been able to go to your boyfriend and be like, well, I don't know, how can I make you feel like that I care about you? Yeah, and honestly, like in the first place, I should have been able to be honest in the first place

and not lie about it. Yeah, you made a mistake. You don't have to beat yourself up. But also at the same time, are you, like you have to make sure your emotional needs are being met. And when your partner says, when you ask your partner what their love language is,

and they refuse to tell you and say it's stupid, well, they're making it harder for you to connect with them. Yeah, and maybe actually saying that, like you being so resistant to this is not helping my security. And that's something like before we broke up too, that was something I mentioned is I don't feel emotionally safe all the time. That's a valid feeling. So you guys clearly have work to do in the

relationship and what you did isn't a fireable offense but and despite his every reason to be frustrated and hurt and not trust you but like clearly there's some work that you two need to do together and hurt and not trust you, but like clearly there's some work that you two need to do together. And at the end of the day, despite you fucking up, he needs to decide whether he wants to be with you or not. And if he wants to be with you, he's going to have to put in just as much work in this relationship as he's expecting you to put into it. And yeah, he's not going to forget what you did, and it's going to come up and you might say or do something that triggers him. And it might, you know, it might feel like he's throwing your face.

But a certain extent, he's going to have to try to not throw it in your face. If he wants to be with you, he's going to have to at least accept that you did it, forgive that you did it, but still, you know, and then do the work. And like he doesn't. I wish he was on this call like, just to get his perspective and like have you talk through this with him because some of the stuff I have brought up and it's hard to kind of break

through the show a bit. Yeah, I hear you. I mean, yeah, call back. I'd love to talk with both of you. Yeah, and that's another thing. You have to see what he's willing to do. I mean, listen, you might have fucked up and he might have every right to be upset,

but if his solution to your fucking up is being like, well, you fucked up, you need to fix this, I'm basically gonna check out, I don't wanna do, I don't have to do anything because I didn't cheat on you. So I'm gonna go to work, I'm gonna do my thing, I'm not gonna go to couples therapy, I'm not gonna sit down and talk to you about our connection. You have to figure it out and fix our relationship or else.

Like that, then there's nothing to work on. So that would be the extreme. I don't know where he's at, but if he wants to be with you, regardless of who fucked up, he needs to do just as much work as you do to make sure you guys get reconnected. And maybe this would be a good time for you guys to figure out what does the future look like for you guys? What are your relationship goals? What are your individual goals? How can you guys help each other meet your individual goals? How can you guys help each other meet your individual goals?

How can you guys help support each other as individuals? And then how can you guys work together on your relationship goals? And making sure that those relationship goals match up. You don't need to put on a five year plan or anything, but do you both want to get married someday? Do you both want to have kids someday? What does someday look like for you? Someday is pretty vague, you know?

Yeah. Are you on a path to an engagement or are you just dating for the fuck of it? You know? Yeah, and like we are, definitely. Like we've talked about having a family and we both do agree that we are each other's people. Great.

It's just, I don't know, I'm like, I'm not the most patient person in the world. No one is. I feel my hormones doing its thing and raging up the want for a baby. Yeah. So it's been kind of a struggle on that side of things. And he's like, you know, he wants to wait,

which I understand logically, but like emotionally and physically, it's a little bit harder for me to kind of wrap my mind around. Just because I am the one making the money here right now. Like, I mean, he hasn't had to pay for anything in like six months either. So he wants to wait until the business is up and running and doing its thing and I'm of the perspective like, I mean aside from this situation, never, like there's never a good time. No, I agree with you, but also like maybe it's a better time when you don't have like roommates too. Oh yeah, yeah, no. If

anything it would wait until like after everybody's out. Listen, you guys are a long way from figuring out when you guys, right, for you guys to have kids. I think you just need to figure out step one is reconnecting and make sure that you're both committed to making this relationship work. Can he forgive you? Can you just be like, listen, I, again,

I think it starts with you doing a better job of empathizing with him, letting him know that if it was the other way around, how hurt you would be and how valid his feelings are and that how, how focused you are on rebuilding that connection and trust and just reiterating that and hoping that he is also willing to put in the work, like I said. And if he's not, then you can't,

doesn't matter if you fucked up you can't fix it on your own that's not how relationships work there are two-way street it might feel unfair but when one person fucks up like you did unfortunately it still requires work of the person who was hurt and if they want to stay in this relationship and they've want to fix it you know they're gonna have to participate do you have any recommendations for like reconnection? Is there any like aside from having these conversations? That's step one. All I can really think of is, you know, like doing date nights or something. Sure. I mean holding hands, I don't know quality time. I mean, he's going to

first he's going to have to be willing to have a conversation about love languages whether you're actually talking about love languages or just being like, hey, you know, you need to be able to communicate on some point that sometimes your emotional needs aren't met, that you don't feel emotionally safe at times, whatever that means. You need to be able to articulate that without making him feel like you're accusing him of something. Hey, sometimes whether you mean to or not, this is how I feel and I'd like us to work on that. Again, it's using a lot of we and us language.

It's not you do this and you never do this. I never feel this. It's more sometimes this happens and we don't do this and as a result, sometimes, you might have to throw an eye in there but, you know. I feel. Yeah, it's just, I don't know, what's the common goal?

You know, Natalie and I have been through our shit too, but we've always felt the love of the other person and we've always felt like the other person was committed to trying to make it work even at times of being like, wow, this is, are we sure we can do this? But it was like, no, we wanted, it was, there was always a willingness to put in the effort, always. And that more than anything, you know, added that security. You don't have that right now. You're not sure if he's willing to put in the effort. He's not sure if you're, you know,

if you're working out for him. So it's just getting back on the same page there. Yeah. And again, it's like- I just don't know how to approach that. Can we talk about our relationship? I mean, if he's not willing to talk about your relationship, then what's the point of having one?

Yeah, I suppose. That's also scary too though. Well, how so? Yeah. I don't know. The old trope, like, if let's say we don't find the common ground, which I don't think that's gonna happen.

I think we will find the common ground. I believe in us. I do. But let's say it doesn't happen. And two years down the line, we're in the same spot or we decide that it's no longer, the relationship is no longer serving us. It's like, then what?

It's scary. It's a scary thought. Sure, life is scary. You can't predict the future. Who cares about two years from now? Have the conversations now. So like, you finding out in two years you guys aren't willing to put in the work?

Well, that's because you didn't have the conversations now. I mean, you can't predict how feelings are going to go, if feelings are going to change. But right now, you're not even sure if you guys are willing to put in the work. He needs to be willing to have conversations about how you can make him feel more loved, or how he can make you feel more loved. A little things he can do to validate each other. You do need to validate each other from time to time. One of Natalie's language is physical touch. At times, I can like,

you know, be busy and every once in a while she'll have to say like, hey, can you be more physically affectionate? And I can say, you know, I can get defensive, I'm like, oh, you know, but in that, you know, I can get defensive, I'm like, oh, you know, but she has the right to ask. And then it's my job to be like, yes, I can, I can make that effort. Because it doesn't matter whether I think I'm doing it or not, she's not feeling it. And I want to make her feel a certain way. And he should want to make you feel a certain way and vice versa, you know. Yeah, I do. It's a tough conversation that needs to be had, I think. It does, but that's the thing. You guys aren't having these tough conversations. There's a little bit of going through the motions

in your relationship. Oh, we've been together for three years. Oh, we've said we're each other's person. You're not alone in this. This is a lot of relationships. You do all the talking in the first couple months of your relationship, and then you literally stop checking in with each other.

And checking in sounds like parenting. You guys need to be more connected. Again, checking in should feel like consideration, not controlling. And right now, it feels like you are making him a calendar so that he knows where you are, not because you wanna be more considerate. Yeah, and I can see that perspective, like I said.

But it's not like he knows where, like he has my location too, so it's not like- I have Nellie's location, but like it's more out he knows where, like he has my location too. So it's not like- I have Nellie's location, but like it's more out of his- Know where I am at any moment, you know? And that was before all of this happened anyway. Yeah, but he trusted you and he wasn't checking the phone and it's like, you know, location or not, like who knows,

you know. Yeah, and regardless, I was at my own house. So it's like, it's irrelevant. It's completely irrelevant. With that, like with the conversation, is that something that like, okay that, with the conversation, is that something that like, okay, we have the conversation, like we make these action items,

we decide we're on the same page, do you have to or should we reiterate that conversation and revisit it monthly? Or like, I don't understand how that works, you know? Well, I don't know. I mean, yes, you should be checking in as a couple whenever you feel the need, you know? Yes, I suppose.

I mean, I was fucking around with Nellie the other day. You know, we were on this high of our daughter, and I kind of joked, was this like, do you like your life? You know, she's like, oh my God, it's amazing. And then I was just like, well, how could your life be better? And it was more about me asking her like,

you know, is there anything I can do? You know, I didn't like spend all day being like, oh, I should check in with Natalie. It was just like, I asked a question. That's kind of the thing. It's just like checking in with your partner shouldn't always have to be some big conversation or some big moment. Again, I strongly feel that you guys could benefit from couples therapy because again couples therapy

isn't supposed to be some sort of reconstructive surgery. Granted you guys have some work you need to do. Couples therapy is about having that mediator. Again, a good couples therapist isn't is not there to take sides. It's when you guys, every couple, right? When you are communicating to your boyfriend, you're not even sure if he's hearing you the way you wanna be heard. You're not sure if you're triggering him accidentally. A couples therapist will be, you'll be talking

and he'll be, and your therapist, he or she, will be watching your partner to see how he is receiving the information you're sending. And at any point when you're, a good therapist would notice that your partner isn't hearing the way you want and he might time out and be like, wait, so here's what she's trying to say and do you hear him? It's that mediation.

Because when you're fighting around, you always reach that point where you're saying something, they're not receiving you, they're fighting back, and then it becomes adversarial rather than you trying to connect. And a good couples therapist is that, is two people saying, hey, you know, being vulnerable, like we're not the best communicators.

Our goal is to be on the same page. Our goal is to hear each other out. And sometimes a third party, unbiased person who's good at communication can help us make sure that we're hearing each other out and sometimes a third party, unbiased person who's good at communication can help us make sure that we're hearing each other out because it's just about getting on the same page. It's not about winning a fight. You know, couples therapy isn't about like finding

a therapist who's gonna side with you. If you're trying to win a fight, then you've already lost. Yeah, and that's why I view even like our arguments. I don't, there's a long time there where he's like, well, we fight too much. And I'm like, well, us fighting just means that we we give a shit sure to a certain extent But like you have to get somewhere, you know Yeah

Yeah and that's something that like we've actually improved a lot on is The arguing thing like we had an argument this last weekend and it wasn't about any of this but like we did we we actually came to a conclusion that we both could accept and It was it was good and that was actually the first time that's happened in a really long time without it being completely destructive. Yeah, I think you guys need to communicate more looking at couples therapy. I want just a small bit of advice. Assuming you guys work through this, right? I know you don't want to bring it up, but it goes a long way every once in a while just saying, hey, by the way, I really am sorry about that

one time. Like an out of nowhere apology, even when it's long past. Because he probably won't even, he might forgive you, but he will forgive you before he forgets about it. And every once in a while you reminding him that you are sorry and that you are grateful that you were able to work through it together and he goes a long way. We all like to feel appreciated and men even more than women and the more you can show him your appreciation in any way will go a long way.

And if you just remember, if nothing else or you remember that, I think you'll be in good shape. Yeah, I think that's good advice. Having the thoughtfulness. It's your boyfriend. This is not some scary professor. It's like you should be able to talk about this shit. Yeah.

All right. Okay, well, thanks for the advice. Well, if you guys wanna call in together, let me know. I'd love a... Okay, well, I'm kind of afraid of what he would say. Answers are clarity. Listen, you gotta stop being afraid of answers. Oh, I didn't tell you because I don't wanna make you mad.

There's a little bit of that. You definitely, the way you talk, it's clear that you are often afraid of confrontation because you're afraid of the answer. And when you're afraid of the answer, use it as an excuse to either avoid confrontation or seek out solutions in other areas that aren't so healthy.

And you need to be willing to have these conversations, even if you're afraid of the outcome, because the short term might be a little friction, but the long term is the goal is to get on the same page and you can't guess. Yeah. And that's definitely something I need to work on personally. Yeah. It's like, oh, you literally thought of a solution on your own without even checking in with them. Hey. I'll make a calendar.

How do you know if that is what he needs? Yeah, I don't. So, yeah, that's a good point. I have some reflection to do on that level. Just keep checking in with them. Yeah. And I really liked the idea of randomly just, you know, re-apologizing it.

It's not rehashing it, it's just reminding him that, like, I didn't forget and that's where it isn't. It's not like every other week, but every once in a while, again, this is down the road. Yeah, absolutely. But like, hey, you know, like, I am, I'm really sorry. And if you are, and if you get to the point where he is willing to work with you on this stuff,

if you guys do get into couples therapy, if he does sit down and have these conversations with you, it's that like, hey, this means a lot to me, and this is what I needed, and thank you, and I feel so much closer to you, and thank you. Like when he does do the little things that you want, that he's resistant, just make sure you appreciate it. Because he might think it's stupid,

but if it gets a rise out of you, you know, he should wanna do that. Yeah, yeah, you're right. All right. Yeah. We'll see if he wants to come on. Okay, I will. Don't be afraid of the answers, you know.

I'd be more afraid of guessing. It's easier said than done. Well, not really, I don't know. Well, okay. You're always gonna find out the answer. You're always gonna find out the answer one way or the other. You're just gonna find it out, you know, I don't know. You're always gonna find out the answer. You're always gonna find out the answer one way or the other.

You're just gonna find it out sooner than later. And it's like, you could have asked them how the calendar would work, or you could find out like three months that it didn't do anything for them or had the opposite reaction. You will always find out the answer. So the question is, will you find out sooner than later?

And like, at what cost? Yeah, and I'm a little bit combative to that because the calendar thing isn't only for him. I wanted to help with the transparency, but it was mostly for myself. You know, tracking when I'm not drinking, what bills to do what day, when's my appointments, you know, like exercising like-

So let him know that. Like does he know that? You know what I'm saying? Like you're just doing things and hoping it has a certain kind of effect on him. Yeah. He's not a mind reader. I need to discuss it with him and get his perspective on,

you know, if the actions I'm even taking, if they're beneficial. I need to discuss it with him and get his perspective on, you know, if the actions I'm even taking, if they're beneficial. Yeah. I can't just decide it's helping. I have to actually, you know. And you gotta ask him how, yeah. Well, could I do it? Like, just be on the same page.

Yeah. Yeah, you guys get, people get more secure in a relationship when they don't have to guess how their partner thinks or feels. But to get to that point you have to communicate. Yeah. And validate. You know, otherwise you're gonna, you know, try go somewhere else for it. Yeah. All right?

All right. All right, well good luck. Thank you for your time. My pleasure. I hope to get an update from you down the road. And I'd love to talk with you both. Yeah, definitely. All right, talk to you later. Thanks for your time. All right, have a good one.

How's it going? It's going pretty good. All right, what's your name? My name is Paige. How can we help Paige? I am 35 years old and I'm wondering if I should just, maybe not so much chill out about my fiancee relying on me to raise her kids

or putting a lot of that responsibility on me, but me taking on the large percentage of those responsibilities. Gotcha, okay, a couple questions. When you say chill out, you're implying that you don't like the expectation that she seems to have, which is somehow in some way you should be the one raising her kids. Yeah, and it's more the internal conflict I have with myself and it's not responsibilities

that are asked of me, but more so if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Okay. So when you say expectations, it says you are noticing things that she's not doing that you think she should. At least assistant. I understand when dating a single parent, single mom, whatever, that those,

you accept those responsibilities of a child or whatnot, but do you want some examples? Yeah whatnot, but what are some examples? Yeah, I guess what are some things that she, you think she's dropping the ball on? Holding them accountable for homework time, brushing their teeth. If I'm not telling them to do that night and day, it's not going to get done. Um, monitoring screen time. Okay. Yeah.

Kind of enforcing time outside. So is this a difference in, in, incing time outside. And stuff like that. So is this a difference in parenting styles or is she just like, doesn't care or too lazy to do it? After our most recent conversation, cause we had these conversations before getting, moving in together, making that choice to do that. And we seem to have the similar values,

but then when it comes to putting those in action, maybe that's where laziness comes in. And then after our most recent conversation, when I was talking about the screen time that she's okay, but then pulling a 12 hour shift, watching YouTube on their tablets, whatever for on the weekend. She just brought up that she wasn't raised like that

to have that time monitored and whatnot, and doesn't necessarily see a problem. I can spend hours telling you why she might be wrong, but do you know what your kids are watching? You know, kind of thing. Like, a screen is a babysitter these days, and they could be watching. Kids are smart and savvy and creative.

And I get parental controls are a thing. But boy, it's you are letting the internet raise your kids. Anyways, let's focus on the task at hand. Your fiance, who's the other parent in that equation? She was married, high school sweetheart, they were together probably about 10 years. He is not in the picture. I think that a messy end, he lives out of state

and has never, as long as I've known the kids, has never reached out to contact them or support them. How many kids are we talking about here? Three. Okay. And so when you say like, should you just get over it? Like is it more about, are you frustrated? Yeah, I guess it's back to my original question.

How much of this is just a difference in how you guys should raise the kids? Or is it more about who is responsible for doing what? Maybe it's a combination. Maybe my question is maybe more, should I accept that there's a combination. Maybe my question is maybe more should I accept that there's a difference and just support the way that she is okay raising the children or should I?

Well, I guess it depends. Accept the responsibility of leading how I think they should be. You are engaged to a single mom. Correct. Okay, so I'm guessing when you got engaged, or I'm hoping you guys had at least some expected and and your partner, the single mom, is in fact very much a single mom. The other parent isn't in the picture, not there, nonexistent as far as you know, not coming back, who

knows, I mean down the road that might happen, but is right now not in the picture. So what conversations did the two of you have early in your relationship, even prior to engagement, or certainly when you got engaged, of like what role you would play in their life? Because at the end of the day, it's her choice to decide whether like, hey, listen,

she might be someone who's like, listen, I got this, these are my kids, I love you for you, I wanna have a relationship with you, but when it comes to my kids, like you're not their parent, and respectfully, these are my kids, I love you for you, I wanna have a relationship with you, but when it comes to my kids, like, you're not their parent, and respectfully, I'm gonna raise my kids the way I wanna raise my kids, and then you can decide for yourself

whether you are on board for that or not. But it's her kids, it's her right to say that. Or she could say, hey listen, like, I have my kids, but I wanna live with you, and I wanna family with you, and if you are open to be a co-parent with me, I'd love for me and my kids for you to be a part ofparent with me, I'd love us, for me and my kids, for you to be a part of our family, and maybe we might grow our family, and we might not,

but either way, I want you to be a part of that. And then let's together as a team, as two parents, figure out how to raise my kids slash our kids. Like, which conversation did you guys have? It was the co-parenting kind of conversation, because I did bring that up, because I wanted to understand my role and how that would fit and even when we had first all moved in together under the

same roof there was a time where I felt like I was I guess harping on them a lot and I had told her if she felt I was overstepping in any way to let me know and it was more of just that hey guys do this don't do that teaching them boundaries and just whatnot so and she was like no you're fine you're fine and so yeah it was that co-parenting approach that okay we have planned to take. Great so the fact that you're feeling frustrations right now about like how things are going well at least you know at least the original expectation is that she wants you to be a co-parent here. And when you were like, well should I just like chill out about like, and it's like you know, Nellie and I kind of joke about

who's gonna be the good cop, who's gonna be the bad cop, you know, and I think ultimately we'll probably hopefully share that responsibility, but like you know that's ultimately what this sounds like this is about, that like mom either doesn't have the time or the bandwidth or the interest of being the bad cop or you know, and you seem to be willing or wanting to do it, but you're kind of feeling like, why do I always have to be the only one? Which is tough on you since you're not, you know, their biological parent. Uh, you're might be feeling like, well, that kind of sucks. And I'm the bad cop.

I'm already, I'm just trying to get these people to like me, you know, and you're making me do like, yeah, I love them. They love me. And, and I know that they needed that guidance because of, you know, their parents' relationship prior, maybe they didn't get what I deem, you know, the proper guidance to going through toddlerhood and then into, you know, adolescence and whatnot. But, um, I definitely try and approach it in a way that's not bad cop, but sometimes I just, it feels like I'm going against the current with her and we're trying to teach them and develop them into.

Well, since you guys have had a conversation that she desires for you to be a co-parent, then I think you guys need to continue to sit down and be like, all right, share your frustrations you know like acknowledge where you don't see eye to eye you know it's like are you okay with the kids having this much screen time here are my concerns as to why it might be a problem and she like oh well it makes my life so much easier because obviously they fuck they can watch YouTube for 12 fucking hours and I can get shit done I'm already busy

enough and oh my god you know but way, as parents who will wanna raise these kids together, you guys gotta get on the same page. And that's gonna require multiple conversations over and over and over. And those feelings may change. As far as like screen time, I would recommend her reading a book by Jonathan Haidt, he's a social scientist, The Anxious Generation. It

tells you all about why phones are damaging children and the risks of about you know the screen time and who has access to them. Pedophiles aren't in the streets anymore they're online you know and that's just that's the tip of the iceberg and you know forgetting about pedophiles there't in the streets anymore, they're online. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. And forgetting about pedophiles, there's drug dealers, there's just also like who's raising your kids. Content, content, you know, like values. Anyways, ever read the book, but regardless of what you guys decide,

just get on the same page. And it's like, hey babe, whatever you guys decide, it's like, all right, if we decide to limit this or limit that, or we decide to, maybe you might decide like, hey, babe, whatever you guys decide, it's like, all right, if we decide to limit this or limit that, or we decide to, you know, maybe you might decide, like sleepovers, what are your policies for sleepovers? You know, I mean, sleepovers can be a very positive thing to have your kids like feel a sense of independence,

but like, where are they sleeping over? Do you trust the parents? Like, and then how do you guys enforce that with the kids? Who is communicating that? Are you guys doing it as a team or are you always having to be the bad cop? And so you two just need to talk about who's doing what when,

but you need to make sure you're on the same page in terms of as a team, how do we wanna raise the kids? And if you guys aren't seeing eye to eye, whether it's screen time or something else, then you guys have to figure out, hey, we need to get on the same page. Because you're right, you can't be trying to invoke some sort of boundaries and rules with these kids

when mom isn't aligned with you. And I guess that's, we have had multiple conversations and I know throughout our time together, we'll need to continue to have them, but with the last one that we had, which was just a couple days ago, I was at the point where I was like, okay, like it's your rules, I'll align with what you want

and I'll just support it. And I won't, which doesn't feel right to say that because I still firmly disagree in some areas and want her to step up in other areas as well. You just gotta keep communicating that. I mean, when you are, when you're communicating these concerns, how, what is she saying? How is she receiving it?

Initially, I wanna say we've had two prior conversations and she was like, you're right, I'll step in more. She set an alarm to remind the oldest to do their 30 minutes of reading every night because same thing, I was like, if I haven't been telling them to read every single night, they wouldn't have finished a single book this year. And she kind of laughed about it. And I was like, and I just told her like, it's not funny. We need to help these kids develop in all areas of life. And I think it

maybe comes down to that laziness side. She was a teen mom and so she did spend a portion of her motherhood living with her parents and I think got a lot of support from that and has kind of just gotten used to that. What she did admit to one of our first conversations that she was used to her mom like, oh I know my mom will take care of that, I know my mom will get that with the kids and I told her that I'm not her mom and if that's what she's looking for Yeah, you're looking for a partner. Yeah, exactly. So I think you're just gonna have to some you know, you're gonna have to keep enforcing that boundary and keep letting her know when you're frustrated and

Keep saying asking for help Hey, listen, like I want to be the best co-parent I can be, but you are their mom. It has to start with you. And you need to want this. I can't be the one who's doing all this. And don't you want the best for your kids? I mean, shit. Yeah, so I guess that was my question.

Or just continue to have these conversations and push for them, or just kind of take the passenger seat. Yeah, I definitely don't think yeah No, I mean you guys agreed to co-parent and you are a willing participant with kids who quite frankly just aren't your own so she needs to Participate in this partnership that you graciously agree to be a part of You know and like you said you're not graciously agree to be a part of, you know? And like you said, you're not,

I'm sorry, you don't wanna feel used or you don't wanna feel like you're only in this relationship because she's willing to like do what mom used to do. And you know, what is she doing with her free time? I mean, the kids are, and I don't wanna say she doesn't care about them. We have them involved in sports. So throughout the week we're doing that,

we're at work, she'll be over at her parents' or just on the phone or watching a show or something like that. Yeah, I mean, the kids, they're gonna watch TV and be on their phones, I guess, to a certain extent, but it just comes down to you, I guess, constantly saying, listen, I need your help. I know this is hard.

I know we have to make sacrifices, but we're doing it for them, and this is what's best for them. It comes down to, again, again agreeing regardless of what work it takes and how difficult the execution of it is but agreeing about what's best for the kids and then after you agree about what's best for the kids well how is the two of you together are going to execute that plan acknowledging that it won't always be easy that you're gonna have to like you're gonna get pushback from kids they're not gonna

want to read they're not gonna want to do their homework they're not gonna want to do this like that's what fucking kids do. And you guys are gonna have to be United Front. You're gonna have to be a team. And you're gonna have to push back on the kids. But it's for the sake of the kids. You know? And you're certainly willing to do it.

But you need her help. And her being the biological mother, she needs to lead the charge. It needs to be obvious to the kids that it matters as much to her as it does to you. Definitely. Well, thank you for your advice. I will continue to have those conversations with her. And we were pretty good at being able to communicate through our any discrepancies between us or whatnot.

So we'll just don't give up don't give up yeah I know it could be training but yeah I think the big thing is don't give up you know keep being affectionate and leading with love and all that stuff but this is important you know and yeah it's important and have a read that and have a read that book. Or listen to it. Read it and listen to it together. I'll recommend it. She's not much of a reader.

I am, either am I. Books on tape. You can listen to them talk about it. It'll probably be, you know, it's very scientific and technical, but I think it'll be very eye-opening about like the risks that you're putting your kids by having their screens be their babysitters. Dangerous stuff out there.

I agree. All right, take care. Thanks for the call. And please let us know. Have a good one, thank you. We'd love an update because obviously, these are difficult conversations to have for parents. And if we'd love an update to,

I'm sure our audience would be very interested. I hope you enjoyed this episode. We enjoyed Give It To You. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at the file files.com for all things. Ask Nick, texting off his hours. We'll be back tomorrow for a recap. Monica will be here for going deeper

along with Tyler Cameron. Monica Garcia from formerly of the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. It is intense, the episode. You'll laugh, you'll cry. You might change your mind. You might not, I don't know. Also Tyler Cameron joins us to talk about his OnlyFans. Can't wait. See you then.

Awesome. Choices matter.