The Viall Files - E737 Ask Nick with Patti Stanger- My Husband Hates Me

Episode Date: April 22, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Today Patti Stanger joins us to talk about her history of matchmaking and her new show with Nick! Then we get to her callers…  Our first caller has been having issues with her husband since having their first child. She feels disconnected and unloved, while her husband sees nothing wrong. Our second caller is worried that the guy she’s seeing might be gay. After no physical touch or initiation on his part, she has a gut feeling. Our final caller is wondering whether she should give her on-and-off situationship a shot? Timing has always been off in the past, but now she’s freshly single and questioning the what/if. “You got to pat yourself on the back, that you’re very strong.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Hero Bread - Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to https://www.hero.co and use code VIALL at checkout. BetterHelp - Learn to make time for what makes you happy, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Skylight Calendar - Get 15% off your purchase of a Skylight Calendar when you go to https://www.SkylightCal.com/FILES.  Goodr - If you want to support the show and try a pair, goodr is giving The Viall Files listeners Free Shipping! You can go to https://www.goodr.com/viall and use code viall for free shipping. Firstleaf - Join the club today and discover new wines you’ll love with Firstleaf. Go to Try https://Firstleaf.com/viall to get your first box. Storyworth - Give all the “moms” in your life a unique, heartfelt gift you’ll all cherish for years—StoryWorth! Right now, save $10 on your first purchase when you go to https://www.StoryWorth.com/viall Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @pattistanger @alison.vandam @dereklanerussell

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Hope you're all having a great day, great weekend. I'm not sure what day you decided to take the time to listen to this show, but if it's Monday, special props to you guys. Special episode today, we have a special guest to help us with our callers today. The one, the only, the legend herself, Patty Stranger. Stanger. Stanger, whatever.

That's okay. Is it Stanger? Yes. Why don't you say it? There's no R in that string. Do people get that wrong? Everybody does it since I was a kid. Great, and I feel seen now

because no one gets my last name. Say my last name. Vile, isn't it? That's pretty good, yeah. What is it? No, you got it. Okay. I pay attention.

You know, sometimes. Patty, it? No, you got it. Okay. Yeah. I pay attention. You know, sometimes. Patti, it's nice to have you. Thank you for having me. Yeah. So do we wanna like tell people right now? Sure, tell them. Patti and I are doing a new show together. Yay.

Well, really Patti has been so gracious enough to really invite me to do a new show with her because really. That's so sweet. Well, I only had one person in my mind and you were my top choice. Because obviously you probably know Patty, no introduction is needed. Millionaire Matchmaker is really where Patty got your start.

I mean my start, yeah. But that's where you really blew up. Yeah, Bravo blew me up. And the show that we're doing. Is on a network that's where you really blew up. Yeah, Bravo blew me up. And the show that we're doing. Is on a network that's changing. We are essentially bringing back that show. Well, it's more of a- It's a matchmaking show. It's a matchmaking show.

It's a deeper dive in matchmaking. It's really great advice. They're not just millionaires or celebrities. Normies. They're normies, they're civilians. Normie matchmaker. We already started filming. Should we call it that? Yeah, Normie matchmaker.

There you go. It's already started filming. It's on the CW network. CW is amazing and we're very excited. Fuckboy Island, new home for Fuckboy, FBoy Island. And FGirl, and FGirl, they're making another one. FGirl. Right.

So the show's like a deeper dive into problems, bread coming, ghosting, situationship. You want your questions answered, it's gonna get answered in the show. I'm excited. Yeah, it's real fun. We're having a fun time. Pat and I are gelling.

Gelling, totally, yeah. Am I your first co-host? Yes, in history, yes. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted one though, so. I don't have to be in the spotlight all the time. I'm producing the show, so it's a lot of work on the back end. Patty called me up, she's like, I have to have you.

It's gotta be you. I'm like, Patty, how can I say no? It was cute, you were cute when I called you. So I thought it'd be fun to have Patty come on an episode of Ask Nick. Obviously she's been in the relationship game for quite some time and I thought it'd be fun to take some calls with her and give some advice but before we get to our call I just wanted to catch up with you. You told me an interesting

story when we were filming the other day. Okay. That you came up with the idea for The Bachelor. Yes. It is your brainchild. True story, true story. I was shocked. Okay, so TelePictures called me in. I had just done a four page feature article inside Marie Claire 2001 with Uma Thurman on the cover, if anybody wants to check that out.

And it was my whole mixer situation, which was at the- So like the cocktail, what we now know as the cocktail parties? Right, which was at the Bel So like the cocktail, what we now know as the cocktail parties? Right, which was at the Bel Air Bar and Grill for anybody who lives there. And we would have these cocktail parties and 25 women would come in and all these men and they shoot their shit and the resumes and all that. And then CNN came over and they used to do videos of me and it blew up.

I got really famous quickly and Telpressers called me and I had a terrible agent at ICM, which is not in business anymore. And they said, can you come up with 20 ideas? So me and my date coach, David Wigandt came up with this idea of why don't we just do our mixer, but we'll find a millionaire in LA. He lived in Beverly Park, which is the most expensive part of LA. And he had a guest house and he had a main house, helicopter pad, and 25 women were going to live in the house. Okay, and it would zero down to one and instead of roses, you get jewelry like Tiffany. We thought Tiffany is a sponsor. And it all went great and then my agent didn't like the money.

It was Christmas and he says, I don't like the money I'm gonna hold out for more. And I said, no, no, worry about the next one. You have to understand nothing was on the air at the time. All there was was Survivor and maybe American Idol. And I knew like, take the money, it's ABC, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were like, no, no, we're gonna wait for more. And he screwed me and he didn't listen to me, which by the way, the agent is supposed to listen to you if anybody's doing a reality show. And the next thing I know, the head of telepressters calls me and says, we're gonna go in a different direction. Your agent screwed you, get a new agent,

which I did, Lance Klein at WME, and he was at Endeavor, the biggest one in the business, but I didn't have him then, which sucked me, which really screwed me over. And so I was really upset, and they go, we're gonna go in a different direction. They went to my place, who had done, who wants to marry a millionaire,

which sounded like a perfect fit, and they changed the name from gonna go in a different direction. They went to Mike Fleiss, who had done Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, which sounded like a perfect fit, and they changed the name from the millionaire to the bachelor. And I- So Mike didn't steal your idea. No, Mike didn't steal it, no. So how did it go from your idea to Mike's idea? Mike got assigned, Mike got assigned.

And then he made a deal like a, because Mike doesn't do package deals. So he made a deal with them without an agent. And that was okay, because he had done that show before. I normally could have gone off and sued. I had enough literature and paperwork and enough back and forth,

but I knew that if I sue anyone, I'll never work again. So I said, I'll wait for the next one. And then Bravo called me back door. I had done another video for another show and they didn't want anybody on the show but me. And it was like a self-made, people made a million dollars in their business the first year in business.

So basically Mike took your idea. Right, it's the mixer. It's Cinderella at the ball. And then maybe added to it and certainly had his input. Well, I mean, it was always in a house. The first three were millionaires. We were casting a little bit. We got ahead of ourselves. When you say the first three.

The first three were semi-millionaires like Firestone. Of the bachelor? Of Firestone and I forget all their names who they are. But you're talking about the men who were the first three Bachelors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was true, you know, it could be the Bachelor, it could be the Bachelor,

it could have been anybody's anybody, but it was really my mixer, 25 women vying for one guy's attention, which is what you saw on my show. And it comes from Cinderella at the Balls, where it comes from. Back in the old days in the 50s on my show. Yeah. And it was Cinderella, it comes from Cinderella at the balls where it comes from. Back in the old days in the fifties, my mom did that.

When she was a matchmaker in, when I was growing up in the sixties, her grand- So matchmaker's in your blood. Yeah, my grandmother was a matchmaker, my mother was a matchmaker. So they did this for like, you know, you'd have a little soiree, you'd invite the girls over to meet the guy or vice versa.

Yeah. Damn. And that's where it came from. I wasn't, you know, genius move, but I mean, the guy or vice versa. Yeah. Damn. And that's where it came from. I'm, I was a genius move, but I mean, The Bachelor did such a great job. I mean, Rob Mills and that whole team, they knew what they were doing and they had something

at a time where we didn't have anything. There was a very dark period in love programming where you could go to a network and they say, we don't want anything. We have the millionaire matchmaker, we have The Bachelor, we don't want anything. And now look at us, you know, love is blind, married at first sight, 90 day fiance.

The whole world has changed in love. And that's why our show is gonna do great. Because the world has changed. We want information, we wanna know how to date. And these kids today, they're lost in sauce. Yeah, no, it's a, I'm worried for the future. They don't even wanna get in a relationship. I'm worried for my valley girl daughter.

But you're gonna have such an amazing, she's gonna have such amazing parents. Natalie's amazing. That you're gonna give her so much love that she's gonna recognize the good guy from all those bad guys. Which by the way, there's tons of them. So-

Tons of good guys or bad guys? Bad guys. Because men are not being taught to hunt now. They're taught like to be passive aggressive and let the woman come to them. It's like a mix between that or you get these hyper masculine toxic guys who have these like, you know, these bad actor role models

who, you know, they've been kind of red pill as they say and things like that. And it seems like it's either these- I can name three celebrities right now I won't name, but when you think of them, that is what it is. And so you need balance. Women and men both need balance, but women wanna be pursued.

They don't wanna have to ask for it. And when the man, when it becomes the aggressor, the man becomes, you know, passive. That's just natural. And so we've got a real hiccup going on in society. Oprah used to talk about it all the time. There's a hiccup. It was starting about 15 years ago, I would say.

I agree with everything you're saying, but we'll get into some of our calls this episode. I do think we do have to adjust. We can't just say- It's progress to adjust, yes. We can't just say, oh, well, men have to pursue and we have to go back to the old ways. Because obviously the old ways,

there were problems with that too. Everything is problems. There's balance. We need to communicate more effectively. I think the number one thing that I learned from your show, and I think you're amazing at, is like you tell women to ask questions and state what you need.

Whereas before, we were talking about this before, there was a book called The Rules when I was growing up, and we were taught by our mothers who were very passive, let a man hunt you, you'll know when he likes you, he'll make the call, he'll do this and you're never to question anything, you're supposed to please, please, please, we're people pleasers, it's in our DNA. And so we did that and it didn't work

and there were divorces and people cheated and now we're in a place like, can we ask questions? And you give women permission to do so, it's like, I'm on a third date, guy doesn't kiss me, I wanna know why. I'm on a third date, guy doesn't kiss me. I wanna know why. I'm on a third date, guys like playing games with me on the phone, like I don't hear from him for a week and then he calls me two weeks later.

I wanna know why, are you dating someone? Why are you not, what is that? And we were never allowed to ask, ever. In fact, it was taught to us that if you asked, men are gonna like you, they're gonna reject you. Yeah, that's crazy. So that's crazy.

Where's our feelings? Where do our feelings count in this situation? Yeah, I feel like I have to say it a million more times than we say it in this episode, but any guy who is interested in you won't be turned off by you stating an expectation. Right. It just won't.

It's all bad. The bread crumbing, the ghosting, the gas lighting, and ghost lighting. Well, good thing they have us, Patty. That's right. They have us. And there's not a lot of us. I think like you, me, Matthew Hussey, who's out there, it's not a lot of us.

We need more people that are going to help people. Well, I got to say, I've really enjoyed, especially working with some of the men we've worked with on this show. Oh, yeah. You were great with them, man. You're awesome. Well, I think some of the men we've worked with on this show. Oh yeah, you were great with the men. You're awesome. Well, I think some of the people we've had,

they clearly, I appreciate their honesty and their vulnerability with some of the, for different situations they got some work to do. And I really have enjoyed, I enjoy talking to other women that call on our show and we certainly have some men, but I've really enjoyed just trying to connect with some of these guys because there's so much potential with some of these guys.

They clearly have their bugaboos, so to speak. I don't wanna give too much away, but yeah, it's been rewarding trying to help some of these men get over the hill. We have really good looking people on the show this season and I can't believe how insecure some of these men and women are and they're beautiful. There's nothing wrong with their looks

or the way they dress. It is all within internal messaging. Some fucked up childhood. Internal messaging, yeah. It's very interesting. And you see it right away and you're like, they're scarred and we have to fix the scar and clean it out, clean the wound and you know,

just say like, we're gonna fix it. It's been fun, it's been fun. I'm enjoying, I'm looking forward to people watching it. Yeah, I think people are gonna really like the show because I think it's different. It's different. We're not gimmicked. I'm looking forward to people watching it. I think people are gonna really like the show because I think it's different. It's different. We're not gimmicked. We don't have any gimmicks.

We have real issues that people go through in everyday life. And I think people are gonna really learn. That is real dating situations. They're gonna learn. Yeah. Which is what I really wanted. You might see a couple of your favorite celebrities

on there. A couple of them, I don't wanna say too much, but they're coming, they're coming. But there's gonna be some celebrities, couple of millionaires, a lot of regular people, people who have businesses, people who've been cheated on, just broken up, divorced. You'll get to see Patty and I bicker with one another

every once in a while. Yeah. Before we get to our callers, Patty, you have your book, Become Your Own Matchmaker. You wanna talk about it? Yeah, it's on Amazon, you can get it right now. Eight easy steps for attracting your perfect match. What are three of them?

Well, it's basically you, it's steps to get you, most of the girls that love these books and guys can read it too, but what I've been told, and I went to Netflix and I went to Apple for business meetings, all the girls lined up with the book and they got engaged and married and had babies and I was in shock. I like, I almost fell off the chair. That's my mom's recipe, but it's basically a Bible.

It's timeless because it's teaching you, like we were talking about asking questions. There's when you want to get serious with the guy and the guy's not giving you exclusivity, there's the actual words you say and it never fails. You want to get the ring. It's in the book. You got to read it. And then if you want to get the ring, I give you the actual words too, to get engaged. You're not supposed to go past nine months without, if you wanna get married, can't go past nine months without negotiations. So how long did it take you to propose to Natalie?

Longer than nine months. There you go. So nine months to 12 months is when the negotiation. Nine months from when, when you what? From the day you start dating. So on the night. Nowadays, that's a cloudy mess. Well, nine to 12 is negotiation because-

Took nine months to get in a relationship with me. The man statistically knows at six months. There's a lot of science behind why what we do. Just like the attachment theory, you know, with what your attachment style is. We don't talk about the science enough. We talk about like, eh, it's bread crumb, but why do we do what we do?

And how do we fix it? And what is our brain telling us? So there's a lot of that in the book. There's science, there's my story, how I got to do this. And then there's like steps, if you wanna get married in a year, there's eight steps to get married in a year.

Become your own matchmaker. Eight easy steps for attracting your perfect mate. And there's one chapter called a matchmaking map by Patty, which teaches you where to find out where your mates are. Dang it. Yeah, just one pack on one chapter. That's great. It's time for the callers. Alrighty. So excited. Let's go. Before we do, don't forget to send us questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com.

For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours mediations. You know the drill. Anything else team household before we get to callers? Get to our callers. All right, let's do it. Was your dad with it? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

My name's Lainey. I'm 29 and I've been having a lot of issues with my husband since having a baby. Okay, well, what are those issues? Well, I feel like having a baby, honestly, my husband like just doesn't like me anymore. I really feel like we have not been connecting. Okay. And I keep asking, like, how are we disconnected? Like I'm

just not feeling cared about or loved and he just keeps thinking that we don't have any problems at all and I keep being like, well I'm not happy in our relationship right now and he's just not seeing at all where I'm coming from. So you're like, we're not connecting. You hate me. And he's just like, Yup. No, everything's fine.

Yup. Have you said as much? Like, Have you been like, I don't think you like me. Yes. What does he say? He gets mad.

He's like, I don't, that's like so unfair. I don't understand how you could think that. And I'm like, okay, well then can you tell me ways that you feel like you're showing me love? Because maybe I'm missing it, you know? And he's like, I shouldn't have to tell you ways that I'm caring about you.

And I was like, okay, well, I'm just not seeing that. And he's like, I work, that should be enough. And I'm like- That's it? He said that should be enough? For me. Yes, he literally said that. He said, I work, that should be enough. And I'm like, that's it. He said, that should be enough. Yes. He literally said that. He said, I work. That should be enough. Gotcha. Before you had a baby, what was your relationship like?

We're two like very different people, but I just feel like we were each other's favorite person. Like we loved spending time together and like we are both like more strong personalities, I guess. So like we would butt heads on stuff. But I just felt like the fact that we like loved each other so much. And like we loved being together. And we like, I felt like kind of mutual respect for each other. I felt like we were doing great. And we thought it was supposed to be hard for

us to have a baby. Because I have like some fertility issues and stuff. And so we didn't think it was going to happen right away. And then I got pregnant like right away. Also at the same time that I got pregnant, my husband lost his job. Okay. And so literally the same weekend that we found out I was pregnant that Monday, he lost his job. And so it was just like not great timing. And I felt like then he went into like kind of a downward spiral where he just was not doing well and he was out partying all the time

and like wouldn't come home until like four or 5 a.m. Like the same time that I would be waking up for work. I was a teacher. So he lost his job, got pregnant and his solution was to hang with the boys? I guess so. Like, I don't know, he started doing HVAC work like right after he got fired from his previous job.

What was his previous job? He worked for FedEx. He was like a delivery driver. Okay, did he lose it because they like downsized or did he lose it because he did some shit? Yeah, he lost it because he got a reckless driving ticket. Not while he was working, but then he got fired from his job, not while he was working, but then, you know, he got fired for

from his job, which is understandable. So he got fired. And then like, I feel like I handled it really well. Honestly, like I was just like, it's okay. Like we'll get through it. I was a little stressed, but I was like, it's okay. We'll be okay. And then he started working doing HVAC. And I felt like the guys that he was working with, like, we're not doing great. Like a lot of them were divorced and like barely paying their child support. And he would just be like, hanging out with them all the time. And he worked like part time as well as a bouncer at a bar. And so he would just be out like really late. And then he would just keep on partying and like it was really bad. And so I was in therapy.

I love therapy. I've been like going for like six years just because I really like it. And I feel like I want to try to be the best person I can be and all that. So I talked to my therapist about it. And a month before we had our baby, she like worked out an ultimatum for me to give him like my basically like a list of demands, like you're going to do this or that's it. And so I told him I was like, you need to be sober, like, and then when you're not at work, you're home. And for the month before we have our babies, so we can try to like rebuild our relationship before And then we had our baby and he got a job offer like halfway across the country. So I like quit my job and we moved with our six week old baby. And then I just felt like we never got back into like a good

rhythm. Now it's just like, we're like roommates and he just Can I ask you a question? Do you believe he's an addict? No, he's not. I don't think. Moving is a really traumatic experience. Losing your job is a really traumatic experience. And I'm not diminishing what you want, because you're right. You're right.

You should have what you want. You had a baby. God damn it. A baby came through your vagina, right? So it's like, hey, hello, where's my push gift? How come you're not being nice to me? But do you believe he has an alcohol problem? I mean, I don't think so.

I don't. I mean, I guess I'd- Is he drinking much now? How much is he drinking now? Yeah, that's a good question. How much is he drinking now? It's not really the drinking. It's like right now it's like weed.

Okay, well, I mean, substance. Let's talk about substance. Could be anything. So if he's not drinking, he's doing weed and he may be overdoing the weed. So is he vaping? Is he smoking a joint? What's he doing?

He's doing both. That's affecting his personality. Is he always on something? He was for a while and then he like tried to stop and then he was just like really mean. So I guess maybe like, you know. So if he doesn't do something, he's not nice to you, right? So his behavior changed when he started.

Look, I come from, I'm a daughter of an alcoholic, okay? So when he changed, and I've been around the block with this. So his behavior changes and he does this to reduce the stress. And if he doesn't do it, he gets nasty blame to you and dismissively avoidant removes himself and he does this to reduce the stress. And if he doesn't do it, he gets nasty blame to you and dismissively removes himself from the situation without addressing the situation. And then you feel left out.

Right, that's true. Okay, so did you go to therapy with him? I doubt it. No, he refuses to go. I've like asked, I actually even scheduled like a couples therapy session for us, like via Zoom. And and I was like could you just like sit in the room? Like you don't even have to participate and he left the house question like you Presented this ultimatum to him via your therapist and it sounds like he responded at least temporarily

Yes, positively and then like what a month later you had the kid. Yes, and then a month later He had a job offer across the country? Yes. And then we just picked up and moved. And what conversations when he got the job? I mean, keep in mind you were two months removed from considering leaving him. Right. And then you moved with him.

I know. I'm not sure that was my best choice. I mean, she wants to fix it. Like she's a woman who just had a baby. She's in a very vulnerable place and he breadcrumbed you. He gave you a month of good and then did a month of bad. And when you're like that, you wanna go back to the beginning and you're always like your mind's looping

to go back to the beginning. How do I get back to when he was nice? Maybe I'll do this and maybe I'll do that. And right now, can I be honest with you? And I don't wanna be mean to you. I'm gonna tell you something that's really important. You need to focus on you and your child. I mean, that is the hardest thing to do

and say if you can't be healthy for our child, this isn't working. What's your support system back home? That's a good question. I feel like my parents are like pretty supportive. I'm sorry to make you cry. No, it's okay. I'm really sorry. It's not, no, it's not you pretty supportive. I'm sorry to make you cry. No, it's okay.

I'm really sorry. It's not, no, it's not you at all. I'm gonna start crying now too. It's just like. It's just that this situation is hard, but I do have like a pretty supportive family. They're like very strictly religious, so they don't know about any of like

the substance problems and stuff. Like I've never talked to them about that. And what, I mean, if you did, what would they, I mean, the substance aside, you're not receiving the love that you want, you're not being treated the way you want, you're not getting supported the way you want. That being said, what would they say if you were like,

hey, by the way, he smokes weed and he drinks? I think that they would say, I need to leave. I know. Look, you're a very smart, beautiful woman and you're incredibly strong. You gotta pat yourself on the back that you're very strong. No women could put up with that. I can see like how you want this to work out so badly. And that puts you in a very,

that does not put you in a position of power here because if you start focusing on your child, okay, are you working too, by the way? No, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Do you wanna work, like a part-time job at home? Honestly, I love just being able to be home with my baby and focus on him. That was the reason I agreed to move here.

That's what I felt. Because that was the deal was then I would, because I was a teacher before and then he was throwing it in your face. Is he throwing it in your face? Nick wants to know. You told us he said I work that should be enough. He did.

He did say that. When did he say that? But I, he one night he was like super drunk. Like he had hung out with his friend all day. It was like golfing and we were supposed to like go out on a date night. And I had like arranged a babysitter for us and stuff. And so then we like went out and I was just kind of mad at him because he was like, basically falling asleep while we were like sitting at this dinner.

And I was just like, pretty pissed off. So I was just like, how do you feel like you're showing me any love? Like I'm just really struggling here. And then he was like, I work that should be enough. So So I guess like maybe he like holds it against me and like moments where he's like being his most honest self that like holding against you. I mean, he's it's not a whole like a resentment. It's more it's he's throwing it in your face. You know, he's literally telling me, granted, he sounds like he was saying

he was drunk, so. I think that's more just him acting out, I mean, not, and granted, it sounds like he was saying he was drunk, so I think that's more just him acting out. I don't know if it's his honest feelings or he's just an asshole when he's drunk. I mean, you never really know. It depends on the person or it depends on how much they drank and things like that. My guess is, in the situation you described, is that you came at him, or at least that's how he felt.

And him being in his kind of tired, drunk state, he reacted defensively and it was more a defense. Now that's not in any way to excuse what he was saying. I just, I don't think you can take it as like, that's how he really feels. I don't know, maybe he does. Have you had, did you follow up with him when he was sober about that night?

Yes. And how'd that go? I brought it back up later and then he was like, well, I guess like, you know, I just don't feel like I should have to tell you how I love you. And then he was like, why don't I, let me ask you, how do you feel like you're showing me love? Yes, you are. And then I was like able to list all these different ways

that I feel like I'm like, show me. Instead of you guys like debating who is, you know, showing each other love and proving it, have you guys sat down and said, listen, I mean, I don't want to fight with you about like feeling loved or being loved. Listen, if I'm not showing you love how would you like me to show you that love you know talking about okay I was like

how could I love you better like yeah and he wasn't he honestly wasn't asking me it no it's a great I'm glad you I love him I'm glad you still asked the question what did he say he was like well I guess I just don't need love the way that you need love. That might be true. You guys are two different people, but you are in a relationship, you know? I just feel like it's like going in a circle with him. He just tries to use my same questions against me, but then I feel like I actually have answers

and he just has no answer. Do you think there's hope in this relationship? I guess that's what I'm struggling with. I feel like I do have like glimmers of hope like of days where he's like really nice or it's like shows me that he cares about me, but it's just like, yeah. This is a very, you're in a very hard place. I'm not going to lie. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the light might be you have to walk that

light alone for your child. You're not unhealthy. He is. And that's where the dividing line comes in. And I hate that you have no support system, and I hate that you have no job. I feel like if you, maybe when the baby goes down, you take a part-time job just to give you some money, like, and give balance and power. Because he's going to use that job over your head like he did. Right. Saying, I work, you should just shut up and do what I tell you to do.

Self-absorbed person tells you, you know what? I work too, you know, that's all you should need. And that was not the way you got there to get a baby. He wasn't like that before. Right. Yeah, he really wasn't, which is why it's like- So his personality changed. Yeah.

Yeah. He. Yeah. He needs help. What's his new job? Does he like his new job? Is he happy? Does he seem like he likes his new job? No, I think that's like part of the problem too. And I was like, do you want to change jobs?

You know, but like we moved our whole lives here. So I think he just feels like he needs to like figure it out and stick it out. It's in sales. So it's like, he has like good times and bad times, you know? Like it's a hard. Well, in sales, it's a grind. And yeah, when you start a sales job, it can take some time to get out of here.

Okay, I have a couple of questions. One, do you have money in the bank that's just for you? Yes or no? No. Do you have somebody who'll give you money if you needed to leave? Like your father, your mother? I think so. Okay, so you have somebody that will advance you money if you needed to leave. Like your father, your mother.

Okay, so you have somebody that will advance you money if you leave. If you moved home with mom and dad, you mentioned they're very religious. Do you think you would be going from one controlling situation to another? Yes, I think that's what feels hard about it, because I would be like,

at least right now is like the known struggle versus like moving back home would be like an unknown kind of struggle or I just feel like they would be controlling in different ways, you know. Where'd you live? Where'd you live before you moved to this place with him? Where'd you live before? Uh, in Virginia. And do you have friends there, a support system in Virginia of people that you could go live with or get some money from or something like that?

I do have friends. I feel like I would feel weird asking my friends for money, but I could ask my parents and them. Maybe live with them? Live until you get on your feet? Okay. For like short term or something before, then I like would just go back to work.

And then I'll support myself. What did you do for work?'d you do for work you were teacher you said I think a teacher mm-hmm yes okay so you have an education you have the ability to make money yeah yes I do yeah yeah so it's just like not here yeah no listen like a Patty said it's not an ideal situation you're in a tough situation there is no way around it I just don't want wanna like be done to Stan. Like what if I like give in and like, he is like a, you know, I did marry him. Like I do love him, you know?

Like what if I? I don't know. I mean, like this, we're just going off what you're telling us and you're painting a pretty grim picture, you know? And that picture is I'm married to someone who, you know, I don't know if they're an addict, but they seem to be using a lot of substances a lot at changing their behavior.

They're using it as a coping mechanism. So you know, to Patty's point, those are not good signs. You can't count on him, you know, to follow through with the things he's going to say. He's not kind to you. When you try to talk to him and you try to connect with him, he absolutely refuses. He's not giving you anything to work with. Why don't you give yourself a time limit? Okay, why don't you give yourself to the first of the year?

Give him six months, you're gonna go through the holidays, which is stressful enough, and why don't you see how it pans out? If it doesn't pan out, then it's you and your child against him because you can't live like this. And then find, call a couple of friends if I need to borrow money, I need to live with you. If I do this, don't tell him, keep this secret.

Would you allow me to stay with you for a couple months? And explore maybe there's jobs online as an opportunity. Because in six months, if you go through Christmas and the holidays and he's not nice to you, you're going to be bonding Matt and he's not nice to you, you're gonna be bonding him out and I don't wanna see you bond him out. So you plan your exit if it doesn't work. You don't tell him, you keep it to yourself,

you still go to your therapist, and then if it doesn't work, you have an exit strategy. You moved, so new therapist or are you talking to the same therapist as before remotely? No, I needed to try to find a new one. And I have, I've like gone to like a few different ones and I was just having a hard time like finding a good connection with one.

And then I did find a good connection with one and then our insurance changed so I could no longer go and see her. So I need to like try to find another one because that's been hard like to be trying to like navigate this without that. Since I did have a therapist previously that I saw all the, like weekly.

Can you still see that therapist or because you moved? Is that a problem? Yeah. She only like has a license in this like state I used to live in. Gotcha. And what was her advice to you when you told her that you were moving? I mean, she just was like, you know, uh, I was like surprisingly calm about it honestly, even like for myself, like, I was surprised at how calm I was about it. At least for me, when I was pregnant, like, basically, I felt like nothing faced me, like, I just was, I had to like, stay calm and like manage my stress levels. So that way, the baby would be safe. So I just did. I was like, how is he as a father? He loves our baby like so much, which is why it's like hard to think about like that dynamic changing.

Like he, he's a great dad. Like, I mean, we, there are things that we like but heads on, but he's a great dad. So when he's sober, have you asked him, do you really think that all I deserve is you to support us? Or do you, do you think I don't deserve to feel, you know, loved and appreciated? And do you think I don't deserve to feel complimented or cared for? Because you, does he actually think that? I did ask him that and his response was, if I want to be loved, I should try being more lovable. So, he's a dick, he's an asshole. Borderline unemotionally abusive. So, the Gottman Institute talks about the apocalypse

of the horseman. And the one thing they say that breaks up a relationship in a marriage is resentment. Once you get into resentment, you're done. So, that is a resentment statement he made back. That may not be true for anybody else to look at that, but it's true for him. So if you put yourself in his position,

he's saying you're more lovable. Did you ever say, what does that mean? What does that mean that I need to be more lovable? What does that mean to you? Yeah, I should have asked that. Okay, so go back and ask it. You have a million days to ask him that. Say, look, I've thought about what you said

and I really want to be lovable and I want you to love me. What does that mean to you? Okay, so go back and ask it. You have a million days to ask him that. Say, look, I've thought about what you said and I really wanna be lovable and I wanted you to love me. What does that mean to you? And then you'll find out where the resentment came in. There was a point of origin where he took the turn, whether it was alcohol or drugs, or whether it was just he made a decision in his mind, you can't read his mind until he tells you.

And that doesn't mean it's true, by the way, just because he thought it. Right. You have to find what's true for you. I did ask him like, because he told me like, he hasn't felt the same way about me, like, since we moved here, because I had a really hard time when we moved here. It was like six weeks after I just had a baby. And we like, lived moved into like a living situation at first, that was really, really hard for me. And like, my car was broken.

I couldn't even leave our house for a month with like a new baby and I didn't know anybody. It was really hard. And so he said like, I didn't have like a good attitude when we moved here. And so since then he felt like he had some like felt the same way about me, but I just like that's- Cause you struggled with a move?

Like that means like he doesn't deal. So he does, how does he, okay, okay in the past how did you resolve conflict when conflict came up he like really avoids like and withdraws it's like his usual go-to yeah I mean you're not in a sustainable situation so he can't keep treating you this way and expect you to put up with it and it sucks that that you are forced to, you know, make these tough decisions. Now I think Patty's advice was good. I understand that, you know, obviously you just moved, you just had a baby. So you don't want to make any rash decisions.

He's not giving you many reasons to hope and he's not giving you much to work with. But I understand that you want to hold on to hope and you want to try. He is your husband. You have a kid together. There's a lot of reasons to put in the extra effort, maybe even longer than you otherwise would, you know, for those reasons we just mentioned. But to Patty's point, like I would start anticipating

what a world would look like with you leaving. Like Patty said, right now, maybe start looking at potential jobs or what it would look like for you to support you and your baby on your own. It's not ideal, it sucks, and it's gonna be a challenge, but people have done it, people can do it, and you can do it, and it's gonna be scary,

but you have the education, you're an intelligent person, you have a background in education, you're hireable. And you know what I'm saying? So you can get a job, and it's not gonna be fun and ideal and you know you say you have a good support system back at home whether it's friends or family but to Patty's point I would look into those options over the next six months and so that way if you decide to leave you won't be starting from ground zero at that point. You'll have a plan in place you know and it won't feel as. And it sucks that you have to go through this.

I'm really sorry. I mean, I truly can't imagine what you're going through. But there are people out there who will appreciate you. Just don't let him make you believe what he says about you. Yeah. He's just a dick. I don't know how to describe it. I don't know how anyone could say that to their recently,

you know, their wife who just delivered their baby and all the challenges and, you know, your body changes and the emotional challenges. Hormones are going crazy right now. And it's literally his job to help you overcome all the feelings that you would normally feel about yourself and just all those things.

And he's doing literally the opposite. I'm so sorry you're crying, by the way. But if you have to cry, cry it out. It's toxins coming out of your body. Oh, all right, it's just him being a fucking asshole. I mean, I'd be crying. So yeah, you're not wrong for crying. But you're strong.

You'll get through this. You're young and you're strong. And like Nick said, there's a guy out there, if this isn't him, that's gonna treat you like a princess because that's the way you should be treated. And I would just, you know, when he says mean things, you have the right to, you know, I'd be always be calm if you can.

It's not hard to do, but you just, you always win when you're the more calm of the two. But I would point out that he's mean, like stop being mean to me. You're just mean, you know, that's a mean thing to say. Please stop being mean and almost like, you know, just pointed out when he's being mean, don't, don't name call if you can help it. Don't call him an asshole because then you just, then he can accuse you of. Yeah. Calling him an asshole. Yeah. So just call him mean. because then you just then he can accuse you of calling him an asshole.

Yeah. So just call him mean. You're being mean. That's if you really feel that way about me, then maybe we shouldn't be together. If you really think that I don't deserve love, I don't want to be with you. And if that's how you really feel about me, then I deserve to have a chance to have someone love me. I am trying my best to connect with you. I am trying my best to give you what you need. And I wish I could be with someone who wants to make me feel love, especially when I'm down or especially

when I'm going through them. I just had a baby. But if you don't wanna do that for me, then let me go. But don't be mean to me. I don't deserve that. And I would just repeat that message over and over. And in the meantime, like Patty said, I would start looking at your options. At least that way you won't feel as stuck. And the

more options you feel like you have and the more secure about not feeling like, oh what do I do? Am I gonna be homeless? Where do I go? Like is it gonna just be me and my baby just like, you know, taking their thumb out the window, hoping that you can like hit, you know? But like, I'm sure like, you're imagining a million different things and that's terrifying. But the more you can put a plan in place

and just maybe talk to some friends back at home, like, hey, listen, I'm going through a lot, but like worst case scenario, like can I count on you to help me out for a period of time? And then you just start looking at job opportunities and things like that, again, not ideal. And then yeah, maybe you can rely on mom and dad to support you in the short run,

but knowing that you have a plan in place to get a job, that way if mom and dad are a little controlling and try to enforce their religious views on you and start judging you and making you feel bad because you married the wrong guy, I don't know what they would do, then you're not kind of stuck views on you and start judging you and you know making you feel bad because you married the wrong guy I don't know what they would do then you're not kind of stuck with them you know eventually you can get out on your own and again not gonna be easy not can't imagine what it's like for all the single mothers out there who do such an amazing job of raising their kids on

their own and working and it's tough but you can do it if you have to and you will feel good about yourself if you're able to get through that. Yeah, thank you so much. Thanks for your guys' advice, I appreciate it. All right, well, I'm sorry you're going through this. There is no way to cut around it, it sucks. You're in a crappy situation.

Yeah. But do what you can to find that support system through therapy you know find something just find someone you know and you know yeah just you can bounce around so you find someone you connect with but in the meantime yeah just stand your ground don't let them be mean to you and please keep us posted we'll check in with you and get an update from you hopefully well there hopefully is some positive progress but we'll check in with you in about a month or so.

Okay, sounds good, thank you. All right, take care. Bye-bye. All right, bye-bye. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp Therapy. Hey, it's important, take care of your mental health, and I understand it can be expensive and inconvenient, and sometimes it's just hard to find a therapist that you vie with.

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As a special limited time offer for our listeners, get 15% off your purchase of a Skylight calendar when you go to skylightcal.com slash F-I-L-E-S, that's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-C-A-L.com slash files. Mother's Day is coming right up, so order today to get 50% off your purchase at skylightcal.com slash f i l e s how's it going hi i'm rachel i'm 23 and i'm worried that the guy i'm seeing might be gay okay why do you think that or worry about that or why did it even cross your mind? Um well we've been seeing each other for about three months and we have not kissed, held hands, anything like that and there's also a few other things that kind of give me that indication.

Such as? Um whether it's mannerisms or just certain things. It's kind of hard to explain but it's just that gut feeling. Uh you said you haven't held hands even? or just certain things. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's just that gut feeling. You said you haven't held hands even? No, nothing. Have you tried? Nothing remotely physical.

Have you tried to hold his hand or kiss him? Are you sitting back and waiting for him to make the first move and he just hasn't, so therefore you've done nothing? Or have you reached for his hand or gone in for a kiss and he's awkwardly pulled away? No, he's never awkwardly pulled away. I've never tried to make a move.

I'm very much the one that sits back and lets the guy make the move. Because you're a woman, that's why. Hello. The women that generally are aggressive, not gonna work. Well, not aggressive, but you know. No, a woman should, she's dating the guy. She shouldn't make the first move. The women that generally are aggressive, not gonna work. Well, not aggressive, but you know. No, a woman should, she's dating the guy.

She shouldn't make the first move. It's hit, he, who has two out on the first date? He asked me out on the first date. What's your love language? Are you a physical touch or I'm assuming, even if it's not, you like some affection. Yeah, it's funny because I'm not a very affectionate person, but this is almost kind of.

It's too much. Kind of question. Amplifying. Okay. Have you like checked in with him at all? Like, I would say I haven't fully checked in. I've kind of hinted at things kind of led into that conversation, but it's I've never been abrupt come out right and said anything. Once again, I don't want to be the one chasing the guy. I feel like that ball should be in their court. I want to be pursued. So that's why I haven't chosen to one, make a move or two, even ask those questions. I hear you on why I'm being pursued. I totally get that. Right. But at some point,

and maybe you have the right to just be like, I don't like the guy. I don't know. Maybe it's just not doing it for you, but it sounds like he's doing other things that you do enjoy. It sounds like you enjoy his company on some level. She's sexually attracted to him because she wouldn't be there if she wasn't. And you think he's nice. But I've started questioning that and I don't know.

Questioning what, whether you're physically attracted to him or that he's nice. No, he's very nice. But it's almost like I've gotten in my head because of this and I feel like the interest in attraction has started fading and I can't tell if it's because that initial excitement's gone or if it's just because I'm not interested in him.

If he acts like your pal. Your brother. And he doesn't make you feel sexy and doesn't caress you or hold your hand or show affection, I would lose interest too. But I guess my point is, it's like there's a difference between wanting to be pursued

and checking in and having a conversation with someone that you're building a relationship with. And at some point it's fair for you to ask questions. If you've ever listened to the show, listen, if you're confused, it's a signal to yourself that you either need to like make a decision, either move on or ask questions, you know? Agreed.

Okay, so first of all, from one to 10, how much do you like this guy? I would have said in the beginning, probably a nine or a 10. Now we're probably down to a four or five. How much do you wanna save the relationship? Right now, I'm kind of ready to quit it. Okay, so just, here's what you say.

You say, you know what? It's really nice getting to know you. I really enjoyed your company, but I don't think I'm the girl for you because I really need hot, passionate sex. And I love PDA, I love kissing, I love making out. I don't feel this is going anywhere with that. Stop, don't say another word.

Don't fill in the blanks, let the awkward past come. He will reveal himself who he was and it'll be great because he reveals himself and he says like, I'm not like that or I'm this. I'm not great. He's not my guy. So there's no reason he, you know, he likes you but he doesn't see physical behavior is the number one thing in the relationship which is what you really want. Because you know what was great? There's a learning exercise for you. You learned that you need that when you thought you weren't affectionate,

but you really are. My question is, if I want to just cut it off, I don't know, am I kind of picking a great guy to the curb because of this? No. No, I mean, what's a great guy? I mean, sure, maybe he's generally a great person who's nice and a positive, you know, part of our society. Great, doesn't mean he's your guy, you know,

and doesn't mean he's great for you. It just means like he's been a cool hang, who, you know, maybe he could have been a great friend. But like to Patty's point, you know, there's difference between not being hypersexual or wanting to be like touched all the time versus like I want someone who I'm dating to hold my hand once in a while.

And I want them to like every once in a while, throw me up against the wall, make out with me. I don't know, something. Passion, you want passion. And you're getting nothing and you're getting, you know. You're getting a professor that you go out to dinner with once in a while. Hell, that would be hot because it you're getting, you know. You're getting a professor that you go out to dinner with once in a while. Hell, that would be hot because it would be wrong,

you know, it's like, oh, I'm a teacher. No, I meant cerebral. You're getting somebody cerebral, which is not citing sexually. In the beginning, you didn't know him. So he's a mystery. So you're trying to debunk the mystery. That's why people get stuck in these terrible relationships.

They can't figure the other person out and they wanna debunk the mystery. But then after all, it's like a lot of work to debunk a mystery. It's time consuming, it's exhausting, your brain is looping. I think before you just jump ship, I think it would be good practice

for you to do the thing that Patty suggested. Because all she is suggesting is to have a conversation. And for you to point out to someone who you've been already investing a great deal of time in, and that's your time, that's your energy. Think of it as money you spent. And people don't, they never, we always take for granted our energy and our time. Because we just think it's weirdly infinite and abundant, but it's not. But if you equated the time you spent,

the energy you invested in this into actual dollars, you'd be pissed right now. Three months is a long time. I've spent all this money on this relationship. I'm nowhere for it. So before I jump ship. She might've bought clothes, she might've got her hair done, she might've been nails in.

You invested money, don't think of it like you didn't invest money, you wanted to look good. So. Well there's that too. But I'm just saying, just your time and energy, before you just jump ship, you deserve at least some clarity so that you can make better investments in the future. Exactly. You know, so you need to check in with this guy

and say exactly what Patty said. I really have been enjoying hanging out with you. I've really had a lot of fun. I was really excited when we first started dating, but I'm getting the sense from you that like maybe you're just not as into me as I thought I was into you because you don't really show me any affection at all.

Physical affection. We've never kissed. And you can point it out, like I didn't even think that physical touch was like a top love language for mine, but I've realized that it's definitely a love language of mine and I need a little bit. And like Patty said, say what you wanna say

and then just let the awkward pause sit in and see what he says. But I think it'd be a good practice for you. Well, I did actually reach out to him and kind of said, I don't know if this is working for me. And his explanation was that he's just taking things slow because we didn't know each other prior. No, no.

Which does not exist to me. But all you said was, I don't think this is working for me? Or did you get- Tell them why it's not working is what Nick's saying. Did you tell them why it's not working? I just said, I feel like this has become more of a friendship.

That's you getting out of the relationship without getting the explanation why. You're not being direct enough. Yeah, yeah. It's just my problem. You have to just come out and say it. It's not a, don't be mean. You know?

Just be honest. Just like, hey, I mean, like, I, there's good, there's going slow and there's never holding my hand. There's going slow and never getting that first kiss in three months, three months. Who has time for three months of dating to not get a kiss?

That's ridiculous. And you need to tell him that. I will tell this, I did go through something similar a couple years ago. And now this is what happened to me. It's not going to necessarily what happened to you. He went out with me for three months and he really wasn't touching or kissing me. He gave me like one peck once. And finally I said something and he didn't live here. So it wasn't like I had an everyday Occurrence was once a week. He had a girlfriend. He was on Bumble He had a girlfriend and he was using me and so there's a whole other story. You may not know about Everybody is different, but you need the answers

So by so when you go to the next one your practice is better at recognizing is this right or wrong? That's all it is. It's like you got it, it's like, it's like learning how to ride a bike. You still get better and better as you go along. So you don't know why he's doing what he's doing. You don't you want to know why? Yeah, of course it's, it's intriguing to say the least. Well, I think Patty made a great point too. I think people often stay in situations, dating situations or relationships that aren't good for them for all the wrong reasons and the wrong reasons being it's just drama.

They're entertained. You become the detective. It's like a murder mystery or one of the... A dating murder mystery, I love that. But yeah, what keeps you going is the mystery behind why is this person acting the way they are. That's what keeps you invested. Now you're at your breaking point,

because you're like, is it really enough? I didn't decide how we, what dating culture was gonna be, but it is what it is. And Patty is a little more old school. I'm less old school, but still more old school than a lot of people out there. You're still, you're very old school for an expert.

You're more old school. Well, you know what's going on with the younger generation. I might know it all. I'm just saying gone are the times where, as a woman, you can really just be the demure, passive, I'll just let the man do 100%. I mean, you can find that. It's harder to find.

And I just think at a minimum, you need to at least communicate what you want early on. And I'm a firm believer in that. It's one thing to wanna be pursued. It's one thing to wanna have a guy take charge. But I strongly think in the dating culture we have, women at least need to communicate early and upfront about their expectations.

Ask questions. This is what I'm looking for in a relationship. This is what I want. And again, ask questions if you don't have that. Totally. And then give them the chance to respond in kind and take the lead on the expectations that you set. And you sent a text, didn't you?

Right, Tim? Yes. No. Questions should be in person to their face after three months. That's immature. Immature. You're like a ghost.

I'm going to get a good answer. I'm going to ghost. No, no. Every single time you date someone, that information is critical. It goes into a file in your brain where you're gonna use that next time, next time. So you want clean, accurate files

to make better decisions so that you don't waste three months on a guy who didn't kiss you. After three dates, if a guy doesn't kiss you, hug you, touch you, next. Three dates. Or a check-in. Or a check-in. Or a check-in in three days.

Or just be like, what's going on? Right, three dates. Hey, dude, I don't have time to waste. I'm looking to get married. I'm looking to find the one. Like, what is that? You didn't kiss me in three days. I find this very alarming and very unusual.

Or you could do it really more passively. You could just use the whole love language conversation. Any, like if you're dating someone after two or three dates, and you're not getting something that you want, you know, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, whatever it is, right? You can put it in any of those categories and then if you're not getting what you want you just say, hey look what is your love language? And you ask it and you point and the reason why

I ask is because like, oh because like I'm used to getting this, I respond to this and I, you know, when I'm dating, this is really important to me, you know, like I like physical touch, you know? And you don't have to go on and say like, you know, you started by saying, well, I didn't realize physical touch. But in this- You don't have to tell a story. There's no backstory to it.

In this situation, right, to Patty's point, after the third date, you realize he didn't hold my hand, he showed no physical affection, he was a bit distant, right? So in that situation next time, let's say, after the third day, you realize he didn't hold my hand, he showed no physical affection, he was a bit distant. So in that situation next time, let's say we played it back, you could just say, hey listen, I'm just curious, what's your level language? I don't know what he's gonna say, but you could say, oh well I asked

because that's just like, for me, physical touch. I really like to hold hands, and I like it when a guy does X, Y or Z. And that's all you have to say. It has to do that he's not meeting your needs. And that's an important point. Yeah. Because, but you-

I have a question. I have a question. So let's say I have this conversation with him. He says, I'm willing to do X, Y and Z. I wanna meet your needs. But at this point, like I said, I'm at a four or five, I'm kind of ready to just jump ship. Is that unfair of me to say, hey, I communicate my needs,

he's willing to meet it, but at this point I'm over it? And maybe that's my fault. Well, in this particular situation, yeah, listen, I don't think, in this particular situation, I don't know, and I don't think you need to worry about fair. I think it would be good for you to bring this up. And you don't owe this guy anything. If you can bring this up to him,

and then two days later decide, you know what? It's just not working for me. I will tell you one thing. The kiss tells the whole story. So if the kiss is off, you're not gonna wanna date him anyway. That's why you don't wanna waste three months of your time.

You wanna go to the third date and have a kiss. Okay, and I mean a kiss, French kiss. When a woman, okay, saliva in their mouth intermingles with a man's saliva, he brings his testosterone, you bring your estrogen, that's what makes the passion. You don't have a kiss, you can't feel his anema. You can't feel his masculine energy.

So maybe you want to kiss him. Maybe you want to go out one more date and kiss him and see how you feel. have a kiss, you can't feel his, his anema. You can't feel his masculine energy. So maybe you want to kiss him. Maybe you want to go out one more day and kiss him and see how you feel. If you don't want to do it and you don't see yourself going there next, it's over. Done. I had a really nice time with you. I wish you best of luck in your search. I'm guessing he's not your guy. Right. Who knows? Maybe you'll surprise us with an update, but this is really more about about what future you needs to do in a similar situation.

Because you may not meet another guy who's this passive, but you are, I guarantee, no matter who you meet or whatever guy you date next, he is going to do or not do things that frustrate you. And you're gonna either sit back and just wonder and try to be some sort of detective and have these passive aggressive approaches to figuring out what his intentions are or you could just ask him or you can have a conversation with him.

That's excellent advice. Excellent advice. And you can just talk to him and communicate your expectations and then see if he gives a shit about making you a priority and meeting your expectations. And let me tell you something, all girls need to do what Nick said, okay? Because we've been trained to people please. That's what our generations of generations have done,

our DNA, your mother probably told you to do that, sit back, man's supposed to lead. Well, this is a whole world we're living in post-COVID. It doesn't have these hunter men everywhere. So in order to get a hunter, you gotta ask. And you're too valuable to waste three months on somebody who's not giving you what you want. So it's okay, I think every woman should ask upfront.

It's okay, you can even say to someone, you know, do you ever wanna, what's your plans for the future? Or do you wanna get married? I wanna get married, do you wanna get married? There's nothing wrong with saying what you want. It's like, I know you're thinking you're gonna scare them away.

You scare them away, they're not the guy. They're just not the guy, unfortunately. I agree with that. I think my problem why I didn't bring it up was because I was still feeling out if I was even interested, and then it's like at what point do you bring that up? You must have been interested to go out with him

for three months. It is never, ever, ever too early to communicate your expectations in a relationship. I mean, you know, maybe not the first 30 seconds of a date, you know, to pour out, be like, just so you know, this is all the things I need. But like, on a date, even the first one, if you have an opportunity just to state the things

that you enjoy and communicate how you like to receive love. You know, you don't have to be so like tactical about it. You know, you can do it in a more romantic way or a way that you're just having a conversation. You know? Soft spoken, you take your octaves down. You just say, hey, I'm having a really good time with you, but I gotta be honest with you.

My love language is touch. What's yours? Or you could just tell a story where you're gonna say like, yeah, you know, it's just, I really respond to X, Y, or Z, or I really like this, and this is what I'm looking for. It's never too early to communicate your expectations. And by the way, you liked him because you wouldn't have spent three months with him.

You just gotta admit that to yourself. So don't put him always in the trash bin. You went through an evolution with him. Now, whether you wanna go on one date and test the waters and have that one kiss, which he said he would give you, or you throw him away, that is your next question to yourself. So that's gonna be the decision you make.

And just something I want you to think about, I can just tell, your default is to make an excuse for yourself is why now is not the time to ask a question. It makes you uncomfortable and then you're just like, well, I don't know. And then you're just very good at coming up with some sort of excuse. Well, I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to push them off. I don't want to...

You're just making excuses. When you have a question in your head about something that confuses you about someone you're dating, just find a way to bring it up. Either through a direct question or communicating expectation, then you see how they respond with their actions. That's that simple.

Nick is giving you the perfect advice. Let me tell you something. Most guys wouldn't, you know, you go to a guy friend, they're gonna tell you not to ask a question. He's giving you the best advice you could ever get. Seriously. And I've said it before,

but no guy is going to be turned off by you communicating what you like and enjoy. Good one. They're just, they're not. And if, to Patty's point, if they don't respond the way you want them to, it's just a signal to you that they're not your guy. Right, which is fine. It is not because you're crazy or that you did something wrong. No guy who would be interested in you, who is interested in you, is going to be turned off by you by saying, I like this, or I like that.

You know, to guys who like you, that's information for them to like, get you to like them. You know? Yeah. Guys who are interested want information from you. They wanna learn about you. They wanna learn about you. They want to impress you. And in the beginning, they tell the truth most likely.

They're not as invested, so they slip out their truths much quicker, scientifically. So men are gonna tell you what they're really going through in the beginning. Later on, when they're invested, they're gonna fudge it a little, because they want you or they don't, you know, which way street they want to go.

But in the beginning, you ask them right away, hey, what's the story like by the third date? They're gonna tell you, 90% of them. All right. It's interesting. I feel like it's been the opposite for me before that they fudge it in the beginning and then are more honest later on. No. They're usually like, hey, I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Honest. Honest. Someone, I have a client yesterday that went on a date. She'd been dating him for about three, four times,

and he slipped, he never wanted to get married, she wants to get married. I said, next. She goes, why, I really like him. I go, no, you have no time to waste. Bad divorce, never gonna get married. He probably will never get married. If he does, okay.

But now he doesn't wanna get married, and she does. So I said, next. We're going to the next five. It's not a dare or a challenge. It's just their truth. They weren't a match. They weren't a match, you know? That's all it is. But you're trying to find your match.

And if you find someone that doesn't like what you like, and it's a deal breaker, that's a deal breaker to me, affection. Next. But I do think it'd be good practice for you to practice on this guy who you're not as invested in anymore, and you kind of already have one foot out the door. I think it would be good practice for you

to have the uncomfortable conversation about having a specific conversation around the lack of affection that he has demonstrated in this relationship. And for you to point out to him that despite, you know, him wanting to take it slow, you respond to more affection. And then whether you wanna give him a chance or not, it's entirely up to you,

but I just think it would be personal development on your part to say that. And maybe you'll be surprised. Okay. But you don't owe him anything. Yes, like you can break up with him. Doesn't matter what he thinks about you afterwards. You know, that doesn't, you know, you know what I'm saying? Doesn't really matter what he tells his friends.

Oh, she, you know, she sucked or whatever. She was mean to me, you know, she was abrupt. I don't, I don't know. She led me on. No, he's not gonna do that. Doesn't really matter, is my point, you know. Okay, so you should tell us after what happened. I'm dying to know what he's gonna say.

In person, face to face, no calls, no texts, okay? You won't get the reaction you want on a phone or a text. You need to look in his eyes. Mm-hmm, yeah. Okay? Okay. Good work. All right, keep us posted. Yeah, I'm dying to know.

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Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Morgan, I'm 28 years old. How can we help Morgan? Okay, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Morgan, I'm 28 years old. How can we help Morgan? Okay, I was wondering if I should give my on and off situationship a real shot. How long has this on and off again situationship lasted for?

It's been eight, nine years. How old are you again? 28, so I met him when I was 19. And when you say, should I give him a real shot, what does that mean? What kind of shots have you given him in the past? Okay, so in the past, all it's ever been is hooking up. Like that's literally all it was.

Like he was straight up my fuck buddy. I was his, he was mine. It never progressed to anything more. There were times when he would want something more, like when I had a boyfriend or when he had a girlfriend, but the timing was always off. So we never really, we never tried anything. I've never been on a date with him. We never left his fucking apartment. Like that's all it ever was. Okay. Are you, who's the, in situations I always think there's at least, there are always one hopeful person and then the other person who just doesn't want to make a relationship. So who's

the hopeful person in this situation? Okay. So I'm going to most majority of the time, for sure me when I met him, when I was 19, like 1920, 21, 22, all of those years, I always wanted something and we never had a real conversation about our feelings ever. Like it was honestly pretty surface level. Um, I just couldn't be vulnerable with him and yeah. Um, but now I guess I'm less concerned about when you were 19 or 20, you know, that was a lifetime ago.

But like now, who is the hopeful person? Okay, so yeah, what happened was he reached out to me and also this was part of the, I wrote in about that might be kind of important. So for a year, me and him were both in relationships and we were cheating on our partners with each other for like a whole year. Hate that.

And then I ended that, because I met a new guy. A different guy. I had a boyfriend who I just. Wait. A different guy, yes. So you had a boyfriend who you were cheating on with situationship.

Correct. And then somehow met a third guy? No, sorry, sorry. Okay. So then me and the ex broke up. Okay. I continued with situationship. Gotcha. And then I met new guy. Okay? Sure. So then I started dating this guy so I ended things with situationship.

Uh-huh. with SituationShip. So then it's been a year since I last saw SituationShip. I hadn't talked to him because I was dating this guy for like a year, we just broke up last week. And he, SituationShip texted me two months ago, out of the blue, I hadn't talked to him for a year and he wanted to meet up and talk. So I don't know what, you know, I have no year and he wanted to meet up and talk so I don't know what you know I have no idea what he wanted to talk about

But I told him no because I was dating somebody else and I was kind of like thought I was over him But then now that you know, I'm single I just I just can't decide what to do if I even want to Reach out back to him if I want to even open that up again. Gotcha So you do you ever heal between relationships and take the time to reassess what you've done or what's happened, right? So Usually honestly not and that's why now that I'm single. I'm kind of like, I'm so excited to be single and be alone. So part of me is really like, I don't even wanna reach out to him.

But then part of me is like, well, what if, you know? What if what? I'm totally fine just like being single for a while. Your sexual relationship is based on doping, serotonin, and all the hormones like oxytocin, but it's not based on real love or real sensitivity to your needs or his needs. So you hook up, you get a hit, you separate,

you go your way, okay? If he wants to talk, it's probably to get sex. And remember, I hope I can say this on this podcast, cock smells cock. So he smelled you with somebody else, right? And of course- What do you mean by cock smells cock? So it's cooch smells cooch, cock smells cock.

So when you're dating someone, the ex will come around because they'll smell you with some other man. Did you get that? Okay. That's scientifically proven. I didn't make that up. So-

Yeah, that's literally what happened. Even through like, you know, the universe? It's not the universe. It's more like an energetic switch goes off where- But if someone's in like Des Moines, Iowa. Yeah, doesn't matter. And the other person's in the- Doesn't matter if they're in China.

Doesn't matter. Cock smells cock. They feel the energy. I'll give you an example. I went out with my ex-boyfriend last night. Haven't seen him in five years. Okay? And we went to the Dodger game. He had an ex, he had a girlfriend,

he broke up with a year and a half ago. They haven't talked in months. What do you think happened while we were at the Dodger game? She texts him, why haven't I heard from you? Okay, she smelled me. It's just, it just happens. We don't have to figure out why, it happens. So he comes around, I wanna talk to you, is code really for I wanna fuck you.

And you know that, I'm not stupid, you know why you do this, but you're getting a serotonin dopamine hit. So every time you go back to someone who's not a serious relationship, you're pushing the real relationship away. And you need time to heal, because you're a jumper.

We call you jumpers. I call them monkeys. Monkey brancher, right? Monkey brancher. Yeah. Yeah. I, and see, like, I think it's so obvious, like, yeah, he could be texting me to just hook up one last time.

So when he texted me two months ago, he's, he moved cities for work. So I was like, and he wanted to meet up in person and I was like, you know, either he wants to, yeah, fuck me one last time before he moves. He wants to get closure for, I don't know, you know, for him to feel better. Closure. Girls get closure, men don't get closure, trust me.

He's not going to you and going, why did this happen? I've been obsessing over you, because he would have hunted you the whole time you were in the other relationships. Your bar with him is low. When you ended things with him, when you guys were both being terrible people and cheating on your partners.

Yeah, that's a good point. How did you end it? You know, like, what did you say to him? I told him I met somebody else and this doesn't feel right. Like I want to be, you know, loyal to him. He totally understood. He's never like been a dick to me. But he also was okay with that.

He also said, cool. Mm-hmm. Yeah, so he didn't- Like he understood. He said he should probably be doing the same thing. He also, yeah, he also didn't like have a problem with it. Right, do you get what Nick's saying to you? He's not- He should have had a problem with it.

There's no good here, there's no good here. Like he didn't haunt you and say, you're the woman of my dreams, I don't want you to be with anyone else. He didn't say that. He didn't get excited and been like, oh my God. Like he also like, why didn't he ask you, like not condoning the cheating, but also why didn't he ask you, not condoning the cheating, but why didn't either of you,

while you were cheating with each other on your partners, why didn't you guys talk about leaving your partners for each other? Instead, you just kept fucking. Why did- Because we never had that, and he's still, situation shift is still with his girlfriend, as far as I know, but we never had that and he's still a situationship is still with his girlfriend as far as I know.

But we never had that conversation because like for me, like I never thought he wanted it because if he wanted to he would like I knew that you know and it's like it's been all of these years you had your chance like so it just Wait, wait, you slow that slow the roll you said he's still with the girlfriend? Yeah, far she knows. So why would he call you all of a sudden to say, you're the one I figured out after eight years? Well, she doesn't know why he called. She's making assumptions.

All she knows, correct me if I'm wrong, is that he reached out randomly and said he wanted to see you. But he's still got a girlfriend. Correct. She's guessing that. Oh, she's not sure. She didn't confirm. Well, I saw pictures of them.

She went on Instagram. Well, the problem is is that you also didn't confirm. Well, I saw like pictures of them. She went on Instagram. Yeah, well the problem is, is that you also didn't ask either. No, we never brought up like- When he said he wanted to see you, did you text him back and say, why? Why, what's up? You fucking loved it when you got that message from him.

Oh, God, Nick. I've never seen your personality like that. You were just like, hmm, go out. Me and him both have like, definitely egos, ego problems. No, I picked up. We're both so stubborn and we're not gonna admit like. Yeah, it's a challenge. It's exciting.

You're cheating. He likes you. When he texted me, I had the chance to reject him. He's rejected me before. I mean, it's always been just like, one-upping each other. Yeah, but to Patty's point, it was a dopamine hit. You got a text from him.

It made you feel good. You're like, he still thinks about me. I still got it. You know, like it gave you that fix. You gave zero fucks about his girlfriend. There's karma in that. Don't forget, karma. How you get a guy is how you lose a guy.

But how do you feel about the fact that you cheated? I mean, do you feel guilty about it? Is it more like whatever had happened, but I didn't end up with the guy anyway, so no harm, no foul? How do you feel about yourself and your character as a result of you cheating? Okay, so the boyfriend that I cheated on, and I know this doesn't make it right, you know,

but he had cheated on me before. And so for me, it was kind of like, well, Yeah, but how did you feel about, okay, but how did you feel about her? You know, fine, he still doesn't make it okay. But either way, He wasn't his girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't give a fuck. He wasn't his girlfriend. Yeah. You didn't give a fuck. You didn't feel guilty at all?

That's, no, I felt guilty, but I was like, that's his decision. Like we were both doing the same thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, hold on. You're right. It was his decision. You're right.

But I'm curious about your decision. He can, you know, it was his decision to cheat on his girlfriend and you are not responsible for that. But it was your decision to let to cheat on his girlfriend, and you are not responsible for that. But it was your decision to let him cheat on his girlfriend with you. That's correct. Yeah, and moving forward, let me make this clear,

I would never continue that. Like, hypothetically, if I were to meet up with him again, I wouldn't get into that again. I don't believe you. I don't believe you because you took his call, it felt good, and you didn't say, do you still have a girlfriend? Because I don't want to do,

I don't want any part of what we did to other people in the past. So like, given our history, like there's nothing for us to talk about or meet up if you still have a girlfriend. Right, well I said that without saying the girlfriend part. I said, there's really no point of us meeting up, nothing's gonna change.

That's not the same thing. That isn't the same thing. Because you're not making her the focus. The focus is you two. No, I didn't bring that up at all. How would you like it if you were in her shoes? And yet the reverse is happening. Oh my gosh, I've been in her shoes, you know,

so I get it, but. What, don't there it, but. What? Don't there's no but. You don't cheat. Cheating is wrong. Cheating is wrong. And if you cheat, someone could cheat on you. Universe can teach you a lesson about it.

What you give is what you get. Yeah. You need to think about that. As far as he goes, all you had to do is say, what do you want? What do you text to do? Right. And if he starts flirting, it's sex.

Still with your girlfriend? Yup. Want to get back to where we were. We had our thing, which is gonna prevent you from future relationships. Oh bitch, all the other relationships broke up, especially the cheating one because of that. Your mind cannot be in two places.

Yeah, he's just like, I mean, you guys have just been using each other. Yeah, absolutely know, not just for even sex, but just for validation, for attention, for drama, for entertainment, you know. Filling your love tank up. Yeah. Mm-hmm, and because it's been going on for so long, you know, like I've always thought, I don't know, I've always been like, well I'm in love with him this whole time and I felt like I finally moved on. I mean, I think the length of time, I think the length of time that you guys may be hanging out,

all that is, is something that you guys use as an excuse to justify bad behavior. Have you ever actually gone on dates with him? No, she said she didn't. She's never been on a single date. So this is a dopamine serotonin-oxytocin hit. You're giving yourself permission to do shitty things because you've been like, well, but we have such a history.

And then somehow you've convinced yourself it makes those shitty things okay because you're history. You're validation. You know, and things like that. But like, it doesn't really count because somehow it's different for the two of you or all this, whatever bullshit you tell yourself. Yeah, so true. This is not the notebook. Let's take the notebook thoughts out of your mind.

Or it is a notebook because they're shitty. No, but they end up together in notebook. This is not the notebook. You're not going to end up with the guy who builds the house in the notebook. He's not doing any grand gesture to woo you. Okay? This is a guy that's using you, and you're now using him. You both are using each other, to be honest with you. And there is a code of conduct that's unethical here, because you're hurting other people in the process, and then you're hurting yourself. Yeah.

I get that, that makes total sense. No good will come from this situation. My advice to you is, you need to break up, you need to almost have like a ceremony. Ha ha ha ha ha. And kind of emotionally break up with him. It does not need to involve him. You know what I'm saying?

You don't need to call him and meet up with him and have a talk with him. This is like you having a conversation with yourself and having an honest conversation, which we clearly have been honest with you about how we feel about it, that this person doesn't serve me well. Burn the sheets you screwed on.

You gotta take accountability for the choices you've made, but you have to also equate him in that equation that he doesn't bring you up, he brings you down. He is a catalyst for some of these poor decisions that you have made. And you have to decide for yourself whether you wanna be that person. Granted, you can cut him off and still continue

to make shitty decisions that hurt yourself and hurt other people. But if you truly don't wanna be that person, if you truly regret your choices, then you need to kind of almost use this breakup with this situationship and this guy and completely cut him off and say no to him and say, no matter what happens,

this is not someone who cares about me, cares about my wellbeing, who loves me, who gives a shit about me, who's made me a priority. He doesn't have any of that. All he has done is like give me a sugar fix, a validation hit, filled my ego, made me feel like I was special when I needed to feel special from

time and, you know, here and there. But I don't want to be that person. And I need to like, I'm breaking up with the situationship. I got a question also, your next boyfriend that you started dating after whatever, did you ever tell that boyfriend about him or the fact that you cheated on a past partner? No, right, yeah, you kept him a secret. No way, he would have like, no. Lost his mind. Well, that's, I mean, so just. He would have just been like.

Think about that. He wouldn't have trusted me. Think about that. Did he know you were cheating? The. Did he sense it? That when you were sleeping. Wait, oh, the boyfriend that I cheated on?

Yeah, did he sense it? No, no, I'm more concerned about the guy she dated afterwards. Oh, that one, okay, okay. Okay, so the guy I dated after, my most recent ex, no, I never told him about- He never knew that guy existed. Wow. No.

So that's a huge problem. So you got in this new relationship. I'm not honest. Right? And you completely- I've not been able to be honest yeah well you hanging on to this situationship is it poisons all your relationships your this past relationship you just got out of never had a chance from the beginning

I completely agree with y'all and that's the conclusion I came to like when he when he sent me that text I was like like, no, like, I deserve better. And then I told like my friends that know all about this and they were like, well, I don't know. Like they were like, like boosting me up like, okay, like maybe like maybe this is it. Maybe he's the one maybe this like the stars are aligned now. And then that got in my head, you know, cause like that's what I thought deep down. So then that's where I, you know.

No stars are aligning here. Listen, I mean, I'm not saying get new friends, but friends often give terrible relation advice because friends just love drama. And you know, it's just a, this is a drama story. They're making it like it's a rom-com. It's not. And if you have success with him,

then it can justify their answers and you know, their choices. And if, you know, if you can prove that you're the exception to the rule, then maybe they'll be the exception to the rule. This is why you get, it's like why your friends tell you buy a boat. Right, exactly. Like, you know, you know the answers.

So you're, how old now? 28. 28. You gotta start making excuses for yourself. You're young, but you're not getting any younger. No. And you are wasting your best years on a guy who's never ever really given a shit about you. And he has poisoned every relationship you've ever had.

Yeah. And your last relationship never stood a chance because you kept him a secret and you kept him a secret for a reason. You know, and I understand, you know. I've always kept him a secret. You need to, like the next relationship that you have, you shouldn't get into until you can accept your choices

in the past, take accountability for the role that you played in it, say goodbye to this situationship, and then when you meet some guy you actually like and get excited about, and when you have that kind of heart to heart conversation about past relationships and things like that, and every dating situation eventually gets to that question, like, have you ever cheated?

You have to say yes. And you have to, you know, hopefully you have done the work up into that point point and you can genuinely say, hey listen, I'm just gonna be real with you. Like I've made some poor choices in the past. I'm ashamed of it. I've done a lot of work on myself. These are, I can, you know, if you wanna know,

I can explain to you why I made some of these choices. Not to justify it, but like just so you know that like I understand why I made some of these poor choices. This is the work I've done on myself. And while I will understand if that gives you some reservations, like I just wanna start this relationship with honesty and hope that you can accept me for who I am

and accept my past. And hopefully, you know, and I don't know if the next person you date has cheated on anyone, but certainly they have made mistakes. They have hurt people they claim to love in the past, right? Like everyone has, and hopefully that new relationship will start on, start with honesty and you can go from there. But right now, you're a liar and every relationship you start now is based off

of lies and deceit and and it just never has a chance. So yeah, you really need to take a pause on your love life, do some work on yourself, do some real deep soul searching. Your friends are fine, but maybe you need like a mentor or someone who you really look up to, who can give you some direct feedback like we're giving you and hold you accountable and challenge you to do the work. Because you're not getting any younger

and your choices matter and if you keep down this path, you're going to wake up one day and be alone and 40. Yeah. No, I completely agree. Y'all are so right. And yeah, I've just never been able to be honest in a relationship. And that's what I want. I want to be able to be like, yeah, I cheated.

I did this and not feel judged and not feel you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna get judged and you deserve to get judged you know like that's that's life but do the work a lot of people have cheated you know it's sad it's a sad reality but you're not the only one you know you you are among friends but there are some people who make this mistake and truly like wake up and feel disgusted with themselves and truly feel regret and go out of their way to do the work and truly do that soul searching to say, I don't know why I did

that. I mean, I can certainly find my reasons, but I really want to understand why I made these decisions because I made these decisions and I made them for a reason. And there are other people who make excuses and justify it and be like, well, you know, like they cheated on me or we weren't really getting along and blah, blah, blah. And those are the people who will always cheat. They will always find a reason because, you know, then they'll meet someone else, you know, new

and they'll get excited and be like, I'll never cheat on this person, but that shit will happen. And they'll be, you know, put in a compromising situation instead of choosing to do the right thing and deal with their shit they'll just do the weak character thing and make the same choices so you know it's really up to you yeah I don't want to be like that so no I agree I need to do it I need to do all that stuff you're saying so I would you know per usual block them delete his number lock them on social media him, delete his number, block him on social media.

Always delete the number after you block, but block first. Block him on social media, don't give him any access to you, and then have that, not to sound cheesy, ceremony of whatever you have of him, any memorabilia, letters, pictures, anything you have of him, burn it. And kind of tell yourself, this is the beginning of my healing process. This is the beginning of me being the type of person that I wanna be.

This isn't me trying to be, I am now preparing myself for my future person. Do you wanna get married? Yes. Do you wanna have kids? Yes. Great, I love that you have that goal. Well, now you have to think about that person, whoever it is.

They're just like, they're just a symbol. And right now you are beginning that journey to prepare yourself for that person. And you are preparing yourself so that they are going to be so excited and so appreciative of the work that you are doing now. And despite your mistakes, you're going to be able when you meet that right person, you know, hold yourself

accountable, be honest, and show them the work that you did and hope that they can accept and love you for that. And if you actually are genuine about that and you do the work, the work that you do will attract the right person. You know, you're making all these choices and I definitely believe in that type of stuff that you are by your choices, you are attracting a certain type of person. And the way you treat yourself and the way you treat others is attracting a certain type of person. And if you change that behavior, you're gonna start attracting different people. Because you won't allow these type of toxic people and you won't be so susceptible to this toxic stimulation that you are now.

You'll do some work and then you will recognize these people and you'll recognize their intentions and you'll say, you know what, I know what this is about. I'm gonna say no to this. I'm gonna look for some more healthy type of love and things like that. You don't want bad karma. I mean, what you do to others will come back to you. You wanna be like a good person and find true love

and write off into the sunset. And in order to do that, you can't cheat on mates. No. That should be number one, cheating is not allowed. And I'm sorry for what I've done. And ask the universe to forgive you and send a message mentally to the person that you hurt, the woman.

And I think you said something key too, like I don't wanna be judged. And I think that's inevitable. And you have to be okay with that. You have to be okay. You know, you're not, you're never gonna be in a real relationship until that person that you wanna to be in a relationship with

knows who you are, both you're good and you're bad. That's being vulnerable. And you being honest about the mistakes you've had. And until you can do that, you're not in a relationship. Look, I've dated people, they've cheated. I've never cheated, but I've dated people to cheat. And I forgive them. And I was like, not on me, like in the past, like I'm dating someone.

They say, oh, I cheated my wife, we didn't have sex for two years. Okay, that you weren't, I'm not in your situation, but I'm not, I don't, like first I thought, okay, is he gonna cheat on me? And he said he never did. So the point I'm making is like what he did in his past, he felt he was sorry for.

He said, I am so sorry what I did on my wife. And he really owned that sorry. So if someone, if you, if you love someone and you said, I made a mistake and I cheated on my mate at the time and I made a huge mistake and I know it, the new person is not going to judge you for that. What you're in is the new person's relationship and I would never cheat on you. There you go, end of story. But if you can't show who you truly are, as Mick says, you're not gonna have love because they won't feel comfortable with you

because they're showing you who they are. It's a mirror that you face when you're in a relationship. There's a lot of work to be done. You gotta let someone judge you and then accept you. And you have to find out why are you cheating? What is the reason you're cheating? Because that is the common denominator that is the thread through all these relationships.

What's the benefits? Why am I doing it? Do I always need a backup no matter what relationship I'm in? A lot of people like backup. This goes wrong, I got the backup. Can't live like that Son, it's it's not sustainable. It's not sustainable

Eventually your mate will leave you you're just lucky that guy didn't leave you which one Well the last relationship when you broke up who left who? Okay, so the last relationship I didn't cheat on him. He's the one I left the Situationship for so yeah, we dated on and off for's the one I left the situationship for. So yeah, we dated on and off for a year and I broke up with him. See all these on again, off again, there's nothing. Always.

Right, no, there's something going on there. Oh, because she's never. Right, underneath the hood of the car. Even though she's dating and she's not fully giving herself. I don't think she knows who she is. And she pulls herself back because again, you're just afraid of not being accepted by anyone.

So you don't show anyone who you are. And then you- By the way, who are you? Do you even know who you are and what you really want and why you do what you do? So you got a journey to go on of yourself. Love comes from yourself first before anyone else. I don't think you love yourself enough.

That's where we, that's the starting point. And that might be being alone for a while. Yeah, for sure. I think so. I mean. And that might be being alone for a while. Yeah, for sure. I think so. I mean, I definitely need to be alone for a while. I mean, you're an attractive girl. You're going to get guys, but you may not. It's a good idea to say, I'm not dating right now.

I'm taking a break. Yeah. I'm finding out who I am. That's my plan. That's definitely my plan. Right. And don't sleep with people. That's another thing.

Close the legs. I don't have anybody in my eyesight that I have my eye on, so I don't want to. I mean, you get an itch down there, use a vibrator. It'll protect yourself from future relationships. Well, no, I mean like use a vibrator so that you take the edge off without getting another person emotionally involved

in your life when you're not ready for a relationship. That's what vibrators are for, the in-between moments. And sometimes with the guy. I mean, sex toys are great. So you know what I'm saying? But use that. Don't be searching for anybody. And when they come in, say, I'm not ready right now.

I'm not in a good place. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. Take numbers, take reservations, make them wait. They're available when you're single. That was meant to be. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. Take numbers, take reservations, make them wait. They're available when you're single. That was meant to be. Yeah, I agree. I think you all are 100% right.

I agree with everything that you all said. Well, thank you for being honest with us. Thank you. Not easy to do. I know we were hard on you, but listen. No, I need to hear it. Your choices matter. And your choices are leading you down a path that,

like I said, one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna be like, holy shit, what did it, all those years ago, I fucked up. My best years are behind me and it's my fault. Let me tell you something, your 30s are your best, not your 20s. Dirty 30s are the best. If I could turn back to any place in time,

it would be then. So get ready and you to be ready for it. Don't waste it as Nick said. That's when you get the men, the money, sex is great. It's all good. You look fabulous. It's the perfect time. So we want to use this time to find the perfect love.

Yes, for sure. All right. Well, we're going to check in on you. Good luck. All right. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. All right. Take care. All right. Bye Nick. All right. well, we're gonna check in on you. Good luck. All right, thank you so much, I really appreciate it. All right, take care. All right, bye Nick.

All right, bye bye. Well, Patty, it's been a pleasure as always. Thanks Nick for having me. Don't forget to send us questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, you know the drill, subscribe, tell your friends. Like I said before, check out Patty's book, Become Your Own

Matchmaker. Ask her also the fragrance, Patty. Oh, it's called Matchmaker. You can find it on my Instagram, on my bio, or go to ioflove.com. There you go. All right. Thanks for listening. Bye. you