The Viall Files - E740 Ask Nick Update Special Episode - Part 19

Episode Date: April 26, 2024

Welcome back to The Viall Files! Today we have another special “where are they now” update show where we give you updates from our past callers to see what’s happened in their situations and relationships since appearing on the show. But wait… first we bring back our Thirst Trap segment: Coachella Edition! Our first caller originally called in because her parents diagnosed their adolescent son every time they saw him. This time she calls in with her husband and sets new boundaries on whether he has the right to intervene. Our second caller first called in because she wanted to send her husband noodz. After healthy discussions, new boundaries, and her new planned escapades, their relationship is better than ever. Our third caller is an OG. She originally called in questioning if moving to a new country for her boyfriend was a good idea. As her second update, she has now moved and updates us on how it’s affected her relationship. We also have some written updates - Our caller who fell in love with her prison pen pal, and our caller who no longer found her boyfriend physically attractive. To catch up on all of these callers original questions please see the show numbers:   Original Episode numbers for callers: Episode Number: 721 Ask Nick - My Parents Are Diagnosing My Child Episode Number: 724 Ask Nick - My Pregnancy, His Career Episode Number: 562 Update Special Episode - Part 8 (Originally on Episode 442 Ask Nick) Original Episode numbers for written updates: Episode Number: 624 Ask Nick - Falling For My Prison Penpal Episode Number: 618 Ask Nick - My Online Situationship Owes Me Thousands “Sometimes making a marriage work is just deciding to make it work… it's not that complicated.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://www.viallfiles.supportingcast.fm  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell

What's going on everybody. Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Update Special Edition. I am your host Nick joined by the household of Leia Sweetboy, oh Scooter, sorry. Scoot. There we go. Scoot, Scoot. Sweetboy Justin, and we got Allie here as well. What's going on?

What's new? Recovering from Coachella still. Are you? Yeah. I went to sleep at 8 p.m. the other day. Wow. No dinner. I was like, you know what, let's just catch up.

You skipped dinner? Yeah, it wasn't worth it that day. How late were you guys, did you guys party all weekend? No. Oh. No. Definitely not.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Did you? No. You partied more than we did. I mean, I was probably up later. True. I won't know if I partied. What's the earliest time you went to bed this week?

Yeah, unfortunately now it's different with River. it's just different with River, you know, like 10, 30, 11, by the time we feed her and get all the things done that we need to get done. That's a decent time. Yeah, we usually go to bed at like 10, 9, 30. Oh wow. We're hoping that we can start sleep training River soon. Anyways, what's going on?

So back by popular demand, since we did just get back from Coachella, we thought that we could resurface the thirst trap conversation and take a look at some of the pictures that we took and posted to see if their thirst traps are not. Justin has the slideshow. For those of you listening, we are going to describe the pictures as best as we can. Okay. So this first one is a picture

of Justin wearing a sheer tank. Is it weird that I knew it was Justin's nipples? Who else could that be? It's not me. I'm gonna defend myself on this one, by the way, but. So it's a picture of Justin. Why do you have to defend yourself? Do we think it's a thirst trap?

He's wearing a mesh tank top. This is the photo? Yes, this is the photo. That is see-through, and you basically see his whole chest. Well the question is, is the photo, that was his Coachella outfit. So this is gonna be a harder one because Coachella is like, it's like Halloween, you know?

It's just like you're supposed to be a little slutty. Right, you get a pass. Didn't we conclude for Justin's other thirst traps that it was mostly because he cut off his head so it was like just like thirsting with his body? No, but that made it art. Did you post this as a selfie you took and you posted it? I did post it, but the reason I don't think

it's a thirst trap, there's two reasons. This is definitely a thirst trap. It's not a thirst trap, there's two reasons. It's like look at my dick. No. The first reason is Leia helped me post this. So there were other options. I didn't even help you post it.

There were other options and I was like, Leia, which one do we think? You showed me two options that looked exactly the same. They were both of you in a see-through shirt and it was just your chest with a butterfly tattoo showing through. And your pants undone. No, that was out of comfort, not suggestive nature.

Anyway, he showed me two different pictures that looked pretty much identical. The only difference was like, maybe this one was a little more diagonal. Justin, I understand your plight. I know what it's like to feel like, you know, you just got up and got dressed and the internet thinks you're trying to post

a thirst trap and you're just being your natural self. I understand your plight. I know what it's like to look so hot that the internet thinks that you are- Must be nice. That the internet must be thinking you're thirsty but maybe you're just you know you woke up like this but this is a thirst trap. Here's my second defense. I posted one photo but I sent my partner the other 20 and

I sent him them before I posted them because I was like this I'm posting this and I didn't have to explain myself he didn't want a defense defend. I was just like, here's the background shots, the BTS posted this. It's a thirst trap. It was the aesthetic. If I were to post this photo, what would it be? Well, I think you're in a relationship, so it'd be like...

You're in a relationship. I know, and it's art. It's art, okay. Yeah. All right, so Justin's gonna die on this hill. I will die on this hill. This is art, not a thirst trap, even though it is a thirst trap.

Even though his pants are in a dark. He's naked. Comfort, comfort. one. This is art, not a thirst trap, even though it is a thirst trap. Even though his pants are undone. He's naked. Comfort, comfort. The photo says, the art, like, you know, does the art have a name? Like this piece is called, you know. This is giving neon in the desert. This piece is called Look at My Dick.

Neon butterfly. No, literally, the pants are undone, you're going, it's- Someone did DM me and they said thirst trap. So, okay. But I didn't agree. Okay. It's a picture of Natalie bending over a bit and sticking her tongue out.

That's not, it's definitely not a thirst trap. Also, you have to consider one's range. So because she has more thirsty of the thirst traps, this is not qualifying? Well, I wouldn't call her thirsty, her her range is is one that this is her just being cute fun girl this is like mom's first time out after having a baby and I'm just excited and yes like again this given Nellie's range, this is public television. PG. Yeah.

But if she was holding a strawberry and looking at it though, because I did the tongue out with my strawberry thirst trap and everybody clocked me on that. You look like you were trying to fuck a strawberry. Well, okay. This is not a thirst trap. This is goofy. Having fun.

Cute, goofy. Having fun. There's an seductive look there. You can't even see her eyes. Having fun. Cute, cute, goofy. Having fun. There's an all seductive look there. You can't even see her eyes. Good point. Okay. Okay. Alison is taking a mirror selfie.

That's a bit Thirst Trap-y. That she's given the- It's seductive eyes, right? Yeah, she is. Okay. She's giving eyes. She's puckering the lips just a bit. Yeah.

I will say every single time I've ever posted a mirror selfie, it's been a Thirst Trap. Yeah, I will say every single time I've ever posted a mirror selfie it's been a thirst trap. Yeah. You try to... Yeah, it's... the only purpose is like look I look good in this moment. There's no... there's no... she's literally in a bathroom. Well, yeah, you're in your bathroom, you can be private, take some layers off if you need to. Nobody's looking at you. The layers off? If you need to. How many layers are you wearing? Socks, I don't know.

This is definitely. Socks. Okay guys, you're in the bathroom taking a selfie, you can take your socks off. This is a gateway thirst trap. What's a gateway thirst trap? Well, like a gateway drug. You know, it's like, it's certainly fully clothed,

you know, it's not that seductive. But a thirst trap, it's like you give the internet what they want, they ask for more, you're like, okay, I'll take my shirt off next time, you know? I'll undo my pants. You put a poll, you're like sock shirt or pants. Yeah, it's like baby steps. Okay, all right.

Gateway thirst trap, Allison's gateway. Gateway thirst trap. This is Ally's. Ally is turned around. This is Ally's? Leia looks like she wants to fuck in this photo. Gateway thirst trap. This is Allie's. Allie is turned around. This is Allie's? Leia looks like she wants to fuck. In this photo. I look crazy.

This is Allie's thirst trap. She's turned around with her butt. Leia, you kind of look like, I just fucked. That's why she's pregnant. It's my baby. This is not an Allie thirst trap. She could be literally anyone.

There are bullseyes on Allie's butt. There are stars. Those are, some would say that's a bullseye. Justin, you look faded. I was not faded, but I do look faded. This is a Leia Thirst Trap. Okay, plot twist. Hot take.

It's that face you're making, Leia. What am I doing? Rawr. This is better than the scooter photo. She's improving. No, nothing would be better than the scooter photo. She's walking this time. You look like trouble.

Anytime you like give a face of trouble, it's a thirst trap. Okay, I just gotta say. How is this a thirst trap? You took no pictures at Coachella. What was this dead mode? This is the only picture you posted that was anything close to a thirst trap.

Just got the guns out. I'm in my dead era, you know? It's a good photo. I don't take photos unless I have to, or they're taken of me. I disagree on that. The amount of photos I've seen of you doing, like with that wrap thing.

Yes. Now that's a thirst trap. Love to show off the river and the wrap. That's a thirst trap? River and the wrap is a thirst trap. You don't think so? I think so, it's a mirror. I mean, he's shirtless.

It gets the ovaries going, you know? Any picture you take in a mirror is a thirst trap. Automatically. No, I would agree. Automatically, if you're posting a mirror selfie, it's a- What if I'm in the changing room of a clothing store? Are you posting that online or sending it to your mom?

Intent doesn't matter. Okay. You keep arguing intent. Yeah, because I think intent's important. I shouldn't say intent doesn't matter. Intent isn't the only variable. You cannot have the intent of a thirst trap and it can still be a thirst trap.

Like Leia, I don't know what she was thinking in that moment, but turned out. All right, next. Okay, this is Kyle. This is Kyle. This is my favorite photo. This is a picture of Kyle in a- We had a nice pool.

Yeah, we had a nice pool. In our pool, trying to get into a floaty, but he's not wearing a shirt and he's laying in a very seductive way, but he's also, his face is screaming, I'm falling off this raft. Yeah. His face is, it looks like he hasn't taken off his shirt in three years Cuz he's pale or what I Did tell him to put sunscreen on I think he did he did Thirst trap for sure. Yeah, you think so?

Yeah, okay for sure here's a couple's thirst trap. What does a couple's thirst trap look like? Well, this is a picture of Nick and Natalie. And they're both looking seductive at the camera. I look stoned. Could you not be both? There you go. You could be. Because Justin keeps arguing it's art,

but I could argue a really good thirst trap could also be art. They're not mutually exclusive. I don't know if a couple's thirst trap exists. I don't know, I think it does. I think this is a couples thirst trap. What about the one that you have as your phone screen saver?

Oh, the one I used to have as my phone screen saver? Something about thirst trap. I mean, if it's a thirst trap for Natalie, that's art. That's literally art. We have it hung in the bedroom. I mean, you guys are giving like hot couple on this, so that's the thirst, right? I think it's possible to post a couples thirst trap

if you guys are both looking. But to whom? Like a swingers? I guess it's the same thing as like posting a thirst trap of yourself when you're in a relationship. It's like, who are you posting this for? It's the same thing to post a couple's thirst trap. Who are you posting this for?

I agree. I rest my case. No. I stand by a couple's thirst trap. I'm not saying it doesn't exist. But thirsty doesn't mean like sexual desire. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm All right, agree to disagree. Okay, there's every time mine comes up Nick loses his shit This is a picture of me Hi fashion licking a popsicle. It is high fashion. I agree that this is art as well, but also Why every single time are you trying to be sexy in this photo or is this an accident? Whoa.

She is being sexy, right? It's a sexy photo. Yeah, I agree. I was trying to be funny. I also tried getting her to hop in the pool after this, but she wouldn't. I was trying to be funny. It's a pretty good photo. It's a great photo.

She is licking another fruity object. So I had a strawberry, now she has a watermelon popsicle. To be fair though, Justin, I saw a lot of feedback about you saying like, it's a great photo. She is licking another fruity object. So I had a strawberry, now she has a watermelon popsicle. To be fair though, Justin, I saw a lot of feedback about you saying like, it's a juicy strawberry. And people were like, I looked at the strawberry, he hadn't even taken a bite. At least Layra had licked the popsicle. That is true.

This is like the Natalie picture, sticking her tongue out. Art. This is art. I agree. I agree. Fine. Here's Ciara, she's looking down with her sunglasses, like half off and her mouth is open.

Thirst trap. Thirst trap. If your mouth is open, it's a thirst trap. This could also be mid orgasm. Mid orgasm. I hope that's not the orgasm face. Right, but like, I don't know. This is, I think the last one.

No, down, definitely a thirst trap, for sure. Derek has his cowboy hat on, his arms crossed, and he's looking at the camera with his eyebrows creased. Zaddy, yeah. Zaddy. All right, thirst trap. Yeah, all right. There we go.

So basically we all had thirst traps except for you, Natalie. Well, mine apparently went to Leia. Leia had two and I had none. No, mine was art. All right, well that concludes our our- What's your attachment style? My attachment style is secure. Secure attachment.

Of course. Why of course? Are you in a secure attachment? Mine was secure, but I also don't agree with attachment styles, so. Why not? I think they're like, attachment styles are based on what we expect perspectives of relationships to be.

And like the test that you sent was based off of the relate like the partner's position within it. I just think it's a flawed idea in my perspective. A lot of it has to do with your upbringing as well. Yeah, I think it's just, I kind of agree with Justin. I think there's value in understanding it to a certain extent, but like a lot of things when we come up with like, when we talk boundaries

and everyone, you know, up with like, when we talk boundaries and everyone, you know, people misunderstand like, you know, the whole like, boundary is something you set with yourself and force other people. Like, I find a lot of people like to find out what their partner's attachment style is to justify their actions or behaviors. It's like, oh, there are, there are, you know, there are this. And so I think it's a data point that offers people to make excuses for either themselves or their partners.

It's like, well, I can't help myself. I'm an avoidant attachment. We get a lot of calls too of people being like, well, he doesn't wanna talk about it, but he's also like an avoidant person. So it's like, yeah. I do wanna read the definitions real quick. So according to the attachment project, anxious attachment is adults with an anxious attachment

style tend to have a negative self view but a positive view of others. They deeply fear abandonment. Then there's avoidant, which is also referred to as dismissive. People with avoidant dismissive attachment style tend to have a positive self view and negative one of others. They do not want wanna depend on others, have others depend on them, or seek support and approval in social bonds.

There's disorganized. People with the disorganized attachment style tend to vacillate between the traits of both anxious and avoidant. And then there's secure. A person is comfortable expressing emotions openly. Therefore, adults with a secure attachment style can depend on their partners,

and in turn, let their partners rely on them. Yeah, I don't know. I agree with what you said earlier where it's like a lot of people will use attachment style as like an excuse for their actions sometimes. I feel like all the internet has done is give us new ways to explain already pre-existing things, you know, like therapists have been talking about like fear of abandonment for a long time, you know? And so like, I don't know, like I'm not not, I think it can have its place,

but I think anything that we're talking about, like in terms of like terminology or like relationship definitions that like are post TikTok, I kind of, I'm very eye-rolly over. What would you say your attachment style is? Obviously secure, yeah. I'm kidding, but like, I mean, I'm comfortable expressing my emotions

and vulnerability and things like that, but I do know that I have some abandonment issues, and things like that in terms of from like past relationships or a fear of abandonment and things like that. But does that mean I'm not, I don't know. So I always think it's good to understand yourself. It's good to understand your partner. But I think often people don't learn this information to understand themselves necessarily

better or their partners. I think they use it to justify their actions or their partner's actions a little bit know, it's just like, well, they're like you just said, well, they're this and that's why they do that. And like, you know, it's a way to make excuses for ourselves or our partners rather than to hold ourselves or our partners accountable. It's like, well, if we can identify that they're some sort of attachment style, to understand something doesn't justify something. And I think people often confuse those things. Even when we're talking about a relationship or even more on reality recap, you know, when

we're talking about characters on a TV show, when we're talking scandal, like I can sit there and empathize and understand maybe the state of mind that Tom or Rachel might have been in. And I can articulate that, you know, doesn't mean I agree with their actions, you know? So putting yourself in someone else's shoes and understanding why they did what they did or thought what they thought in a certain time isn't justifying it, it's understanding it.

And I think sometimes people will confuse the two, you know? And then we'll, you know, but they will sometimes they'll try to justify it when all they should maybe do is understand it. You know, what do you do with that information? So, and I feel like attachment styles very much goes into that bucket of how we use that information. Yeah, no, I mean, I think that's very interesting.

It's basically like, if you share, you know, your past relationships with your partner and like, you know, this person, you know, broke up with me out of nowhere or like also your family, you know, my dad left when I was eight. All these things can impact the way that you are in a relationship, but that's more just understanding where the person comes from and why they act the way

they do rather than that person using that as an excuse or reason to then abandon their partner or like. Yeah, for example, I think Nana and I both have on some levels, like abandonment issues, right? So, for example, like I think Nana and I both have on some levels like abandonment issues, right? So there are times where I will say something to her or vice versa and we will trigger the other person and our instant first reaction is to be like, why are you acting this way? But since we both understand that both of us have some sort of like abandonment issues, like we can recognize that and then again, not necessarily agree with how they're reacting,

but then understand this is the trigger for you. And again, being triggered is an excuse to be, well, anything, you know, another example, like we love to use the word, well, I'm triggered. Okay, sure, but being triggered doesn't give you the right to do whatever, you know, doesn't give you a right to necessarily overreact, it doesn't always give you the right to Repeat the pattern.

Repeat the pattern, you know? It might just be you recognizing that like, this is a trigger that you need to deal with so that the next time you're in a certain situation, you don't act a certain way. Yeah. But nowadays we just like, well, I'm triggered, as if it's like a free pass to be an asshole

or to be an emotional terrorist or, you know, just unreliable or just super reactive. Like maybe that's a you problem. Yeah. That's a good point. Cause I think attachment styles usually imply like a sense of permanency.

Like that's who that person is versus a lot of the questions within attachment style quizzes are situational. So it's kind of like, has your partner ever said anything that hurt your feelings? Like have you confronted your partner in a week? Like to me, like those questions to kind of like, has your partner ever said anything that hurt your feelings? Like, have you confronted your partner in a week? Like to me, those questions to me are like, okay, well that's not, yeah. There's no need to label it. Yeah, and then a lot of it too stems back to like your parents. So like, is your father in your life?

Like, did you feel comfortable going to him with problems, you know? I think that the important thing about attachment styles or knowing like you or your partner's past is to learn like that about yourself, recognize it and then like try to, you know. So like how to, yeah, to better interact with him. Yeah, rather than to use it as an excuse for repeating the pattern. Yeah, so.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, we got some great updates for you. We're excited to share them with you. And if you are thirsting for more updates, don't forget that we have plenty more episodes of update specials behind Vilephiles Plus, which is available for you now. Just go to Vilephiles.com. It is free to sign up. And then I think we're getting 30 some episodes of update specials plus or van den Puppen recaps or pop extra episodes, a lot available for you behind Vilephiles

Plus. So check it out for free. It's free to sign up. Just go to VyloFiles.com and there's a tab to sign up for VyloFiles Plus. Anything else before we get to our updates? All right. Well, we, these are some good ones. Let's go. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. Welcome back, Nell, and welcome to the first time to the show, Nell's husband Jasper. Nell

originally called in because your parents were diagnosing your son left and right, so to speak. And we had a good conversation. I don't know if it was... I had some direct feedback about your inability to set boundaries with your parents. I remember saying that's nuts a couple times on the call. What was it referenced to? Do you probably remember? I do. I think some of the things that they were critical of you,

you thought was nuts. Oh, yeah, and I know what it was. I said, anytime you have to ask your parents to do, like you shouldn't have to ask your parents to respect your, I mean, yes, obviously we want to ask people to respect our boundaries, but like, you don't need to, that's what it was, you don't need to ask your parents permission for how to raise your kids.

I think that was the major takeaway, and you were. It was like, please, can you do this? Please, please, please. It's just like, this is your fucking kid. My parents, they diagnosed my 16-month-old son with something new every time they see him. So this last time was ADD. He just started walking. Before, he needed to go to physical therapy

because he wasn't walking. Neither of them are in any position whatsoever to diagnose people. No, not at all. You're the parent, it's your kid and you might have to have a couple tough conversations with them. You can either respect my wishes, my boundaries, or you cannot. But you know, I love you, but if you can't respect how I want to parent my kid, if you can't respect my wishes, I'm a 40 year old woman, then you can't be around you. Anyways, I'm curious Lars, what did you think of the call? I'm sure you heard it. Were you singing your praises?

Yeah, I was, definitely. I heard the call, I was very proud of everything that Nell was doing, for sure. Amazing, all right, so what can we help you with today? Or do we have an update? Is there an update? I was very proud of everything that Nell was doing, for sure. Amazing. All right. So what can we help you with today? Or do we have an update? Is there an update?

Is there anything I can help you out with in addition to what we did before? Yes, there is a little update. And the reason I wanted to bring my husband, I figure even though this situation impacts us differently, it does impact us equally because our son is both of ours. And so just to make sure that whatever I'm doing is enough. And if there's anything that I can be doing additional, then I want his perspective on that. But basically, my biggest takeaway,

you were very clear that I wasn't setting any boundaries, which you were totally right about. And I appreciated that. You also drew my attention to the fact that I asked them questions, please, could you not do this? Instead of just making declarative statements and saying, hey, don't do this.

Which I think really indicates a lot of my dynamic with my parents that I think is old, that I can get rid of because now I'm tasked with raising a child and we're the ones in control. You also told us that and you mentioned a couple times that I kept on saying how scared I was to talk to them, which is so true. I don't know if you picked up on that, but I am. Yeah, for, for sure. For sure. And it's funny, we have like this agreement that outside of like, you know, our child being abused, she sets boundaries with her family. I deal with the boundaries with with my family.

And so when it actually happened, I was kind of just sitting there like nodding my head with like this awkward grin on my face, just watching watching everything go down. You mean when you are setting the boundary with your parents? Well, initially, yes, before I called in. And then since, we have had a conversation, and it was the same expression on his face where he was just nodding, watching it all unfold.

So initially, I wrote a letter, and I didn't share it with them. It was just a way for me to clarify my thoughts, which was really helpful. And since then, just having the validation that some of the things that were going on, they were really inappropriate, that gave me a lot of confidence. And I think that just my energy in dealing with them has changed. And I did have a direct conversation specifically with my dad. And he reacted very sensitively. He said that he heard that I was leveraging our child

and saying that basically if he said anything that we didn't like, that I wouldn't let him see his grandson. And I apologize that that's what he took away from what I said, but that in no way am I ever going to do that. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, back up. So when in this conversation, you're saying this conversation you had with your parents and specifically your dad,

you tried to you wrote this letter to try your thoughts out. Then you had to sit down. And his big takeaway is I'm hearing that like a threat like you are. You're saying that if I don't For let's just use our language respect this boundary you're setting you won't let me You know see my grandkid And he said he tried to victimize himself basically. Yeah, because the answer is yeah You're right. If you don't do this, I won't

But this isn't a big request so stop doing it. Well, that's the thing too, it's just like, I mean in reality, right, like eventually it could come to that. To your point, you don't want it to, right? Obviously, you're coming to them in the spirit of like, all I really want is for you guys to respect us as parents and then that we, you know, we're gonna raise our kid how we wanna raise our kid and we are requesting you guys to respect us as parents and then that we, you know, we're gonna raise our kid how we want to raise our kid and we are requesting you guys to not do this.

I think it's, to me, that that's him further throwing a temper tantrum. That's like, that's him losing control. He's going to the extreme. It's like, you know what I'm saying? Instead of being like, well, thank you for sharing your thoughts. We'll definitely try to work on that. And certainly, you know, we understand what you're saying. And like, you know, if we say something that upsets you, like, obviously we'll, you know, this might be an adjustment for us, but we'll do our best to respect your wishes.

Like that, that's the obvious answer, but instead it was like, how could you, you know, like you're threatening us, you know, like, but that's again, sure. But think of that's like him. Your parents clearly are not people who are used to losing control of you. And this is a conversation about you saying, hey, there's a new sheriff and there's a new normal, you know, and that's clearly going to be an adjustment for them. So to me, his reaction was basically par for the course. I mean, that not unexpected, right? I mean, the way you described your parents, it wasn't unexpected. It made me sad that after all of what we've gone through in our

years together, that he actually thinks that I would do that and withhold his grandson from him, which I would never do, I guess, unless it was an extreme situation, which I don't anticipate. So that was really sad for me, and I think that he's really sensitive, and he, like you said, he selfishly made it about him. And I'm glad that I apologized for what he heard, but I didn't apologize for the boundary. Well, that's good. And I don't think your parents actually think that either. I think he's being manipulative.

You know what I mean? Towards the end of the conversation though, it seemed like he did come around. Okay, that's good. Right or no? Yeah, we haven't seen them a lot since that conversation. Yeah, I guess that's true. And I don't know. That's true. And not by your choice, right?

Like, oh, by the guy who was like, oh, you're gonna take our grandkid away from us. And they're the ones who haven't reached out. It's like, holy shit. And that's what I mean. It's just like that, and when I say he's being manipulative, I don't think every time we're manipulative,

it's like some sort of like premeditated plan, you know? Like I don't think your dad is listening to what you're saying and saying, well, what's the best way to manipulate my daughter into getting the way I want? I don't think he's having like a conscious thought. I think as a parent, he is used to being in control of the relationship that you guys have, you know?

And I think as people, when we lose control of situations, we try to gain control by manipulating, by coming up with bullshit reasons that justify how we feel and our feelings to maintain control. So I think your dad reacting that way was really just kind of expected in par for the course. And did you maintain kind of your calmness in that, I hope? I mean, I was sweating profusely. I did. I didn't. I really love my dad. And I think everything you're saying is right. I know that my husband would agree that my parents, they grapple with issues of control. Yeah, they do. So none of that is wrong. And I think that I was able to maintain my composure. I didn't get emotional. I didn't get upset. And we did

see them one other time. And he mentioned, I don't know if you remember, but before he was really critical of our son not walking, and then he was walking bow-legged as toddlers do. And he mentioned, he's like, oh, I think his walking is a little bit better. And my initial reaction would be to get really triggered because that felt like a subtle criticism and I just let it go.

And so that's, I think, the most helpful part of our conversation is that it really did allow me to remember that my husband and I are the ones who are in control and anything else is an additional blessing in our son's life or not, but that he and I are the ones making the decisions. Well, that's good, because that's probably the best takeaway you can have because ultimately your parents are gonna do what they do.

But when you first called in, it was pretty clear that your parents had a pretty impact. It was pretty clear that your parents had a big impact on your mood and how you valued yourself as an individual and as a mom. And they were pretty good at getting under your skin and impacting your choices and making you question yourself and all those things.

So your ability to limit that is really the main thing. And so you having confidence that you and Lars are the primary caregivers and all that really matters is what you want, and any impact, any input you get or advice that you find helpful, great. If your parents say something, you're like, oh, maybe we should look into that.

That seems healthy, but as opposed to nitpicking, I'm still bull-legged. I was a D1 track star. I was ranked nationally, so I don't think track at, you know, star, you know, I was ranked nationally. So I don't think being bull-legged is all that bad, but you know, you know, it sounds like you're on the right path. As long as you see it now, the importance of letting your parents just do their thing, you know, the big question is, is like, it's kind of like using the relationship analogy

when people ask like, should I block them? You know, I'm not saying you should block your parents. So bear with me. But like, I always tell people like, well, you don't block someone to get a reaction. You block someone, you know, to protect your mental health. You block them because they get under your skin or, you know, every time they reach out, you can't help but respond. And like, that's not helping someone move on, you know, obviously, you're not going

to block your parents, assuming they don't go totally rogue, but your ability to limit their control over you and how they impact your mood and your behavior, that's what it's all about. Because yeah, you can't control your parents and what they do, and ultimately you're right, unless there's an extreme circumstance,

you're not gonna stop them from wanting to be grandparents. You just have to stop them for having such an impact in how you feel about yourself as a parent. Yeah, I think that's very true. And if it's taken my entire childhood and adult life until the moment when I became a mother to make that distinction and to realize that, then I'm just grateful that it happened.

You're right, I have given my parents a lot of control over my self-esteem. And once we kind of reframed it where it's not about me, it's about my husband and my son too, then that was what did it for me because I always want to protect them and it's not fair, not fair to Lars. Well, and I think, you know, we all project, right? We all project, uh, people. I, I, and I would, you know, we all project, right? We all project people. And I would imagine parents project onto their kids a lot, too. And, you know, it probably all comes from some place of love, even if it's toxic,

you know, childhood, we've passed our childhood trauma down from generation. You know, I think, you know, there's probably a lot of literature on that. So, you know, hopefully you're stopping the cycle because your parents, maybe they got nitpicked by their parents. It was their parents who are always pointing little things out about them. And in the back of their mind,

this is how they were raised, so they're doing it to you. So if nothing else, maybe more importantly, you're learning how not to treat your children when they get older. Probably something really important for you to remember. Right now, you're not how not to treat your children when they get older. Probably something really important for you to remember. Right now, you're not thinking about that. But eventually, as people keep telling me,

and I'm sure that people are telling you, oh, it goes fast, they grew up so fast. And eventually, yeah, it probably will be fast. We'll have to remember not to nitpick our children in a way that, you know, maybe it was done to us. Yeah, I think that's a great reminder. And Monday is going to be our big test because it's Passover and we're having my parents over for dinner. And last year, they, I guess

our son was, remember that was six months old. And my stepmom gave him Manischewitz, which is basically sugar wine. And he was six months. He should not be drinking alcohol or consuming sugar. And she didn't ask our permission. And he saw red. And that was really when all of this started. Did you say some of the Manischewitz? Yeah. So now we'll see how I do.

Did you say something? You said something, I didn't. I was dealing with the brisket and kind of looked at her and was like, hey, you got to deal with this or I'm about to deal with it. And do you guys, I know you kind of mentioned like, you large deals with his parents and you deal with yours. At some point, it doesn't always have to be that way. I think it's great for the most part.

I mean, I think Nellie and I are really lucky with our in-laws, but if it came to it, Nellie would have every right to say something to my parents if need be and vice versa. I don't think it's like, Lars would be incapable of saying something. And those types of situations where it's some you know it's literally like

someone's giving your kids something that you don't even think is healthy for them then that's III often wonder I'm curious how your parents would react to Lars Coming down pretty hard on mom and dad. What do you know? I see't know. I see the, in my family, we're very direct. I mean, I can look at my mom and say, hey, don't fucking do that. And she's going to know that 10 minutes later, we're fine and everything is good. And I don't think that.

What if you took the fuck out? I could take the fuck out. It depends on how angry I get, you know, but. You would traumatize him. Well, I just, I'm still, I have a great relationship with my in-laws, still learning how to communicate with them a little differently

than the way my family communicates. That makes sense and good on you, but it's not a one way street, you know, I guess is what I'm saying. Cause you're just always thinking, well, I have to learn how to communicate with Nell's parents. Well, Nell's parents have to learn how to communicate

with the two of you as well. And I think that is important. Yeah, granted, like, you know, you don't want to, like, necessarily yell at them, you know, per se, but like, we are dealing with a situation that, again, according to Nell, sounds like her parents have had this power over her, they're a little manipulative. You know, sure, I'm sure your dad is sensitive,

but I haven't met a sensitive parent that isn't super manipulative. You know, it's, you know, I'm sure your dad is sensitive, but I haven't met a sensitive parent that isn't super manipulative. You know, it's, you know, I'm so sensitive. Again, like, they play the victim, clearly, when they want to. That seems pretty obvious when it comes to your parents now. I don't think some direct feedback from Lars would cripple the man.

You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, he might be a little upset, he might feel a little embarrassed, but like, that's because your parents are so used to you now not saying anything. Your parents are used to like operating with impunity in saying whatever they want, when they want it. The fact that they had no problem feeding

your six month old son this thing means that like they'd think they can do what they want. And maybe a little direct feedback from Lars of like, don't do that. You know, even if it does kind of hurt your dad's feelings might be good. And like, listen, you know, he's, he'll be fine. Yeah. He doesn't have the shorthand Lars that you have with your parents, but like man to man, you could be like, Hey man, like I'm sorry I had to do that.

I'm sorry, you know, but like at the end of the day, like that was like, please do not do that. Like you don't have the right to, you know, as grandparents to give our kid whatever they want. It's important you guys ask our permission. I think it's way, way more important that your parents understand it than it is important that you never hurt their feelings.

You know, feelings are meant to be hurt sometimes. You can always apologize, you know, and again not apologizing for saying something, but hey, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but like hey, next time don't do that. But when your parents cross a boundary, whether you communicate that boundary or not, or it's an obvious boundary like hey, don't give my kid alcohol, then you have the right to say something. And even if that means that, you know, their feelings are hurt and your parents hurt feelings now, you can tell like it probably makes you anxious just to think the idea of hurting your parents feeling they'll live, they'll be fine.

And they might stomp their feet and kick and scream and they might act, you know, and the fact that you haven't heard for your parents, like again, manipulation, like they know, how old are you now? 40. 40, they have 40 years of knowing how to control you. Your parents have that, it's like that's their shorthand. And I just think this is gonna be an adjustment for them. So I think it's really important

you're not being so afraid to hurt their feelings. In fact, I think hurting their feelings is a sign of progress, you know, because it clearly you're saying something that's new to them. That you are saying something that they're like, okay, this is different. And that means they're hearing you. You know, that means, and again, you know, it's respectful and not respectful. Like, obviously, you guys know that if Lars were to scream and be like, don't ever fucking do that again, you know it's respectful and not respectful. Like obviously you guys know that if Lars were to scream and be like, don't ever fucking do that again or blah, blah, blah, yeah, of course, that would be an overreaction.

But giving, hey, don't, do not, hey, respectfully, dad, don't do that again. If, you know, do not ever give little Max or whatever your kid's name is, that without our permission. And I have, you know, you guys should have no problem saying that to either of your parents, you know? And I don't think it has to come, well, it's all, well, Lars, it's gotta be from your parents and vice versa.

And honestly, if Lars, you being so good at direct feedback, I think you can really help out Nell in situations where she struggles. You guys are a team, so be a team even when you're interacting with your in-laws. I like that. That's my two cents. I'll get ready for Monday night.

Also, his name is Max, so that was extremely impressive. Really? Yeah, you just pulled Max out of nowhere. Incredible. That was impressive. I love that. Yeah, I think you guys support each other. You know, it's like, and N and now you're gonna have to be,

I suspect you're gonna have to let him do his thing, you know, because when the moment Lars says, don't ever do that again, you're gonna get real uncomfy. But it's all for the best. Yeah, I think you're right. And I'm realizing that a lot of old wounds that I thought were healed,

they open back up when you have a kid. And so I have more work to do on that front. Yeah, your parents' feelings are going to be just fine. Now I suspect your dad's sensitivity is a little blown overblown. We'll find out. Yeah, we will. I'm sure there'll be something. And we've figured out like the day after I talked with you the first time that we're

having another kid. So I think that it's really important to establish these things before we add another little one into the mix. Yeah, it wouldn't shock me if if yeah, if your mom and dad do try something. Yeah, well, it goes like to what you were saying, you know, about changing the dynamic. I mean, our goal is to teach our son what not to do or how to act. And the only way to do that is by doing it ourselves. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I think this is all great for you now.

I like the idea of you guys being more of a team when it comes to interacting with both sets of parents I know in a lot of situations when it comes to in-laws, it's like hey, man, like talk to your parents, man I don't think this is what I mean by that if that makes any sense because how you guys can you guys are a team and they shouldn't be play able to play off of each other and If if you struggle with some kind of communication now and that's the strength of Lars, you should lean into that. He's your partner. I'm sure there are areas in which you are better at communicating than Lars, or you might have more nuance than Lars, or

where your strengths might be a benefit to Lars. So when that happens, you can be the one who steps up. But when you have a hard time, and he's good at something that you're not, let him do the thing that you're not. You know, because it's both of your children, you guys are married, it's just as much Lars, he's the father, they're just the grandparents. Lars doesn't have less of a say about his own,

you know what I'm saying? Because like, it's funny, because like with our kid, early on, a lot of people are saying, like River looks like me. And like now, I always kind of joking around, there's a lot of in-laws like staking their claim. It's like, oh, she looks like Natalie. It's like, whatever.

And that's all anecdotally like fun and whatever. I guess what I'm saying, as as Nally's mom is concerned, you know, she has her own identity to River, you know, as her first grandchild, you know. And so Nally's mom is incredibly respectful to us as parents, but not all parents are like that, you know. And I can see some parents, some grandparents almost, you know, overvaluing their connection to their grandchildren so much so that like, yeah, it's like whoever their kids are, it's just like, well, that's your kid. But especially if they don't like who their kids are married to, they might even not, they might respect their authority as

grandparents more than they respect, you know, their kids partners, you know, their kids partners as parents. Am I making sense? Yeah. Yeah. You know, um, so I do think it's sometimes good that Lars would say something to your parents in this situation to remind them that I'm the dad here and this is my kid. You know, because I think it's nuts that your mom thought it was okay to do that.

Because not only did they not, because again for you now, it makes sense, right? It makes sense that they are used to, and I guess that's what I'm trying to get at. It made sense that your parents would do that because your whole life, your parents have kind of like saw you as their kid and like they know best. Well, like you know the fact that they still did that even when Max when Lars was there you know means to tell me that they see Lars the same way

they see you right? And to me that's almost more fucked up. It's like they came in to some dad's house and didn't get his permission. You know what I'm saying? They thought, well, as long as Nell's okay with this, then I can do this. It's like, holy shit, she's only one half of the equation. And that's kind of fucking crazy. So, honestly- You're getting fired up for Monday, man. I know. Thank you, Nick.

Yeah, no problem, man. No, I think it's nuts. I think it's nuts that they didn't consider what Lars would think about this. It wasn't even on the register. So I'm big team Lars speaking up next time this happens. Me too. Hell yeah. But I also will work on my direct communication because I do have a lot of room for growth in that area. So even if he is going to communicate with my parents, it doesn't mean that I won't.

Absolutely. Yeah. I don't think he takes over, but I think right now it's only you guys have this kind of like, well, it's my parents and I'll do this and you do that. And I think hearing from Lars might, might help you. Yeah, let's do it. That was very helpful. Thank you. Yeah, no problem. That's a, we seem to also like, I think people were very

passionate about the, the parent child dynamic. It's a we seem to also like, I think people were very passionate about the parent-child dynamic. It's a fun topic. People are often very triggered by it too. Yeah. Yeah, and I know that people are very sensitive to not disrespect parents as I think is appropriate, but then there's gray area within that and you also don't wanna relinquish your control

to somebody else when it's your child. So it's hard to figure out how to maneuver around those things sometimes. Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes people also like misunderstand sometimes the things I say too. To me, it's a case by case basis. Like, yeah, I've said a lot too. I think it's important to be grateful and respectful of our parents, right? To a certain degree, you know, your parents, despite my criticism of them of being manipulative and a certain degree, you know, your parents, despite my criticism of them of being manipulative and things like that, did the best they could, right?

And maybe again, like I said, they're a product of their own parents. So you can still have empathy for your parents for why they are the way they are, while still be willing to say, you know what? No, that's okay. Again, it's like, it's understanding the difference between, you know,

empathizing and understanding why they do what they do is not the same as justifying their actions, you know, so You know, and I so I just think yeah, I think our parents should have almost unlimited grace Unless what they're doing is dangerous or hurtful in some way, right? Because they're doing the best they can, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to say no. It doesn't mean you don't have the right to set new boundaries with them. It doesn't mean you don't have the right to change the dynamic of the relationship from what you might think

is not necessarily the healthiest relationship to one that you hope to be more healthy. And so you can have both. You can both have an understanding that maybe our parents are just doing the best that they can while still be willing to push back appropriately. I just see a lot of resentment with, it's like there's this whole community,

if you have a toxic relationship with your parents sometimes, and then you can obviously find community out there with other people who have toxic relationships with their parents. And there's just a lot of resentment and a lot of anger and a lot of hurt and a lot of kind of like, I don't know, kind of just giving up on your parents.

In those cases, when possible, maybe there's a middle ground. It's always nuanced. All right, guys. Well, I appreciate your time. I really enjoyed the update, a loved one update if there is, if there is one after, after Monday. But yeah, this is, this is obviously going to be a progress for you guys. And I'm really hopeful that with some just kind of gentle boundary setting with your parents and the occasional like Lars being like, hey guys, you know what, we've, I know Nell's asked you, but like you need to start respecting our wishes.

And maybe it gets to the point where you're just like, stop, stop feeling sorry for yourself that when he gives you the whole like, oh, you're weaponizing. It's like, you know, no, we're not, we're not. And just don't, I, that's what I'm saying. Don't even, I wouldn't even like acknowledge his pity that he plays. It's like, you're being ridiculous. That's not what we're saying.

You're an adult. You understand what we're saying. So just act like it. Yeah, that gets to be yours. It works for me. They'll come around. I'll leave the curse words out of it. Yeah.

And you just, again, like you sandwich it with love. You know we love you, we love you as grandparents, we appreciate you, we obviously want you to be in our kids' lives, but you need to respect our wishes. It's that simple, it's not complicated, so stop feeling sorry for yourselves. All right, well, we will let you know if Monday is explosive, but I really think that-

Lars is jacked. Yeah, he's ready to go. We've already got a role. No man of Shevitz for him this time. I mean, that's that's nuts. It's that's really nuts. It's crazy. We're I'm lucky to have Nellie's mom is.

I truly it's really we're I I don't know how Nellie and I got that lucky. Where we just have these, we have both these parents who are just like, you know, we're just here to help. We don't want to step on your toes, you know, and do your thing. Oh, that must be nice. Yeah, no, I don't know. How many siblings do you have now?

I have two and he has two. Yeah, I have two. And what is your sibling's relationship like with your parents? So I have two. And what is your sibling's relationship like with your parents? So I have a very LA family. I have four parents and two siblings who aren't related to each other. So my dad and my stepmom have one son,

and that was a really helpful part of our conversation, or the one that I had with you as well, because I always feel like I need to protect my brother. And I shared with him everything that I was feeling. It was very direct. He was really upset that that was happening and it was wonderful. It was really nice to just have that honest conversation

with him too. All right, well have fun on Monday. Thank you. All right, take care guys. We appreciate the update. Yeah, for sure. Thank you. All right, well, have fun on Monday. Thank you. All right, take care guys, we appreciate the update. Yeah, for sure, thank you. All right, good luck. Thank you all so much, that was a lot of fun. Yeah, likewise, thank you.

All right, we'll see you later. All right, bye-bye, have a great weekend, guys. Yeah, thank you. All right, what a first update, wow. This is always good to hear from our callers. All right, we have a writer in here? Yes, we do. So this is Tiffany from episode 624.

You might remember this tagline. I'm catching feelings for my prison pen pal. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So in short, in her original call. I remember, yeah, cause we got to see what he looked like too. Yeah. So last time that she called,

she had said that she was planning to go visit him. Yeah. But he was still in prison. Let's play a quick clip to remind our audience and then we'll get an update. My name's Tiffany and I'm catching Felix for my prison pen pal. We met on TikTok.

You met on TikTok? Someone, yeah, someone made a TikTok and they all posted like videos looking for pen pals and I responded to one of them and we've been talking for almost three months now. Yeah. Did you know at the time that he was incarcerated?

Yeah. Okay. And what did you think about that? Well, the first thing I did was I Googled him to see like make sure he wasn't like a murderer. Yeah. What did he do? He robbed a convenience store.

Was it with a weapon? No, but like kind of. It was just a gun magazine. So just like the magazine. Gotcha. Have you thought about visiting him? I have and like everyone I've talked to, like they're obviously my friends, so they're telling me to go do it.

So that's why I wanted to write in. If you think you're safe, do it for the story. I don't have this like non-negotiable policy. I talk to my friends as if I don't ever talk to someone who's ever been in prison before. I don't know. Proceed with caution for sure, absolutely. Something that'd be really important for you to do

is to make sure that you feel comfortable challenging him or questioning him. And do you feel comfortable having potentially awkward conversations with him? And how does he react to those conversations? Is he open to you saying, hey listen, I know we built a lot, blah blah blah, but like there's something, you know,

like checking in with his past about his past, is he patient with you? Ask him now and then. I'm sure on some level he might get defensive and say hey You're always bringing it up, but do you feel like you're comfortable with this? Yeah, like I could talk to him You know enjoy do it for the story, but yeah, just and if it doesn't work out with him Just whatever you have been through in past relationships Just know you deserve a lot and there's a lot of you know decent guys out there

Everyone has to meet a lot of trolls before they meet their print charming so to speak and vice versa with men and women You know it doesn't work. I don't think I will get another pin pal, but yeah, but you know what you did it once But people have met in crazier ways, you know, just take it slow Don't be afraid to ask questions check in with your friends and make sure that you know other than us But make sure you also have people who it's exciting as this is to like kind of live through you that you have Friends or maybe your parents That aren't afraid to tell you to pump the brakes and just say hey Are you sure this is the right decision and just check with you?

And you know you just want to take it slow and protect yourself. So she writes in and she says, Hi friends, I know the household was invested in my prison base story. So I just wanted to send a quick email with a little bit of an update for you guys. So and so is getting out next month and I am officially going to Idaho to meet him.

Since we have reconnected, like I mentioned to you all previously, we've had a lot of heart to heart long and some tough conversations about this entire situation and what may possibly hold for the future. We are both 100% committed to each other and I honestly couldn't ask for anything better. He has taken all of my questions, possible what ifs, and has provided nothing but reassurance in every single way he possibly could. I have seen the biggest 180 change in him this time around.

We are both super excited to finally meet and also both a little bit nervous of course. Like I said, I know you guys were invested in his story so I wanted to send a little bit of a recent update. I was a little reluctant with sharing more before just because I wasn't sure how everything was going to play out. If we would have made it this far to him getting released, etc. It was weighing on me a little bit mentally at the time so I do apologize. Thank you all so much for letting me share this part of my life journey with you. The update is she's going to meet him in person. It sounds like she's really been, she's invested. She has a lot of hope.

So she originally called in being like questioning the what ifs. Cause she wasn't sure if she was comfortable going down this rabbit hole. Just remember Gypsy Rose, she got married in prison and now already divorced from him. With many restraining orders in the mix. It's just one of those things, you just don't know who knows. How long has this guy been in prison? When she first originally called it was a year. He was going on his year. Now this is a year-ish later, so he's been in for a couple too.

I just think proceed with caution. And and again it's not to doubt him or he is going through a huge transition, you know, literally from prison to freedom and I think anytime you meet someone or connect with someone in a transitional period, you very much run the risk of them not being Into you or you to not being as compatible as you thought or hoped once they settle in You know to their new normal He connected with you in prison that matters, you know and sure, you know

It's one of those things where like, I love you no matter what position I'm in, but like that's just not the reality. So yeah, just in general, when you meet someone in a transitional period, it's the red flag, you know? So it's the same reason why it's a red flag when you meet someone and they're just like,

yeah, I'm just not really sure what I wanna do with my life, you know? It's like, oh, okay, well, how do you know that they want you in it? You know once they figure out Once they do know so have hope have excitement proceed with caution. That's exactly what you said the first time too Yeah, nothing's really changed. That's what I'm saying And even after if it goes well, like I would very much caution her to reserve her excitement and feelings and

Hopes for the future until he settles into his new life. All right, let's get to another update from McCaller. What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one find themselves on a team. Taking on jaw, dropping obstacles all across Canada is one thing, working together on a team with some pretty big personalities is another. It's a new season of Canada's ultimate challenge and sparks are gonna fly.

New episode Sundays, watch free on CBC Gem. Well, we are closing in on wedding planning. We've never been married before, neither of us. I know that's surprising to some of you about me. It's our first for both of us. And we didn't really know what we were doing and Zola made the wedding planning process so much easier. It's been absolutely a game changer for us

because they basically told us how to plan a wedding and every step of the way they were there to help facilitate it, make it easier. Our wedding website was through Zola. We did our save the dates through Zola. We did our invitations through Zola. They made the design process so much easier that fit our aesthetic with what we wanted.

So we did the like water color on the inside of the envelope for the invitations. And so many people were like, these are the most beautiful invitations I've ever seen. They really like captured my vision to a T. And on our RSVPs, I knew it would be hard to figure out what wedding songs to put on. I knew I didn't want the cha-cha slide.

I knew I didn't want like just the YMCA, like the basic wedding songs. And so I was like, this would be so fun if on our RSVPs we put, are you RSVPing, accepts, decline, but then also what song will get you on the dance floor? And I feel like I was showing Nick some of the other songs. We were going through them and I was like,

oh, shut up and dance is what Allie said. And I like had everyone's like memorized of who sent the songs in. And I was like, this is gonna be so fun to be at the wedding and hear your song come on. And be like, this is the one that I put. at the wedding and hear your song come on and be like, this is the one that I put. And our DJ is gonna remix everyone's song requests.

And put it together. And put it all together, it's gonna be a ton of fun. Honestly, if you're like Nellie and I, and you got engaged and you're planning a wedding, and then even if you've thought about your wedding your whole time, and then you got to the point where you're like, wait, how do you actually do this? Just go to Zola.

The roadmap is there, they make it so much easier. It's paint by numbers, planning a wedding, honestly. It's wedding planning for dummies. And I felt like I was a dummy, and they made me feel like a wedding planning extraordinaire. Yeah, Zola has made everything so easy for us, and all of their tools are designed to make wedding planning seamless,

stress-free, and actually fun. With Zola, you can plan your entire wedding in one convenient place. So if you are planning a wedding, start. With Zola, you can plan your entire wedding in one convenient place. So if you are planning a wedding, start planning at Zola.com. That's Z-O-L-A.com, Zola.com. Welcome back, Maggie. Hi, Nick.

Thanks for having me back. Thanks for calling back. We always, we love an update. So you called in because your porn addicted husband, while I was watching too much porn, and I think you wanted to know if you should start sending nudes. Correct, correct.

Well, let's play a quick clip for our audience who may not have heard the first call to bring them up to speed with your original call. I am wondering if sending my porn addicted husband nudes is a good idea. We do couples counseling and we have for years, they have diagnosed him. Before that, he knew he had a problem.

You caught him masturbating on your work computer following your honeymoon. And then I'm assuming, it sounds like you just didn't like talk your honeymoon. And then I'm gonna say, it sounds like you just didn't like talk about it. And then you just decided for yourself that this was a one-off. Send the nudes for sure. And this is definitely a non-expert opinion.

But like I'm a big believer in, you know, you're married. You guys are high school sweethearts. You gotta find ways to mix it up. And I think in a relationship, it's fun to keep things exciting. He's at work, you send him a little something spicy, you have to be comfortable with it. You know, it's like, I think I need to get there.

Yeah, it can also be a ton of fun that you and your husband can have. Get a little kinky and get a little pornographic with each other rather than him having this kind of addiction with porn. All right, and we're back. In your words, what was the advice I gave you overall? I mean, obviously, I think, you know, I joked about, sure, send the nudes, but I mean, obviously, the conversation was bigger than just sending nudes. So how did you hear back the advice I gave you and what did you do with that? I heard to send the nudes, number how did you hear back the advice I gave you and what did you

do with that? I heard to send the nudes number one like you said but also heard so much more than that in that you know we have been together for so long and if we want to continue to be together as a happily married couple which we do that we're gonna have to make things fun and exciting and spicy. And part of that is that we have to mature out of vanilla sex and that we had to have more open, fulfilling conversations around the subject as well, because we had been really terrible for very long about communicating or really not communicating about it, just pretending that it's something you have to do in the dark a couple of times.

But I definitely took the advice. I have invested in some more risque pieces lately that I have never even purchased. I don't think ever spent money on a piece of lingerie. It's always just been what's comfortable and a t-shirt kind of thing. But I have spent lots of money on fun things. And you know what? It has surprisingly made me feel so like much more comfortable to do it. I feel good. I look good and it sort of inspired me to just step out of my comfort zone in a couple

different ways, both figuratively and literally. And it's been amazing. Like the last month, I think we have only not had sex, maybe four days, which before last month had been the reverse of that. I mean- Pop off. Have you had, I mean, that's amazing to hear. Have you had conversations or did you just buy lingerie? No, we have sat down and had more than one really good conversation.

We've also implemented weekly date nights. Right now for our family, Wednesday night works. We have sort of forced our 14-year-old to know that she's home on Wednesdays. That's just something we have to do and she'll complain about it. But even I have stepped up as her mother but also her father's wife and said no like it is a good thing for us to have a happier relationship. You know you don't realize how much this affects you guys that we are more connected. And in this land of divorce, we are unfortunately part of, and it's just the season of life that I'm in, in my upper thirties, that, you know, you go through the seasons of everybody's getting married, everybody's

having kids, and now our season is everybody's divorcing. And just trying to navigate that and being thoughtful about, no, like we don't want that. So what do we have to do as a couple and as parents to make that not happen? Where are we on the porn front? We have decided for us that we are not going to introduce that yet. Is he still watching it? I know that was more my question. Yeah, no, no, he is not.

And said that even before this, he said that he had not watched it in a long time. So this was just not something we had ever even talked about. So I don't know, like I had all these stories in my head about what was going on or whatnot. What wasn't even happening. Have you, well, first of all, I think that's great. And I hope that you made him feel that you really appreciated the fact that he wasn't.

Yeah. I could go, like, I don't know what other conversations you've had around the topic, but maybe if you say, it's like, hey, I really appreciate you, one, just deciding for yourself, because I don't wanna stop you from watching it. But I think maybe in the future you can mention, if you do watch it though, ever, it is okay to tell me. I'm not gonna shame you or get like if you do watch it though ever like it is okay to tell me I'm not gonna

I'm not gonna shame you or get mad at you like obviously Yeah, it's it can it can be bothersome if I feel like it becomes like more of a problem or something you're relying on But I don't want you to ever hide it from me So if you end up watching it like you know, it's okay to let me know. Yeah. Type of thing. No, I think I can definitely do that. Another thing that's sort of come out from this too, is just not only our relationship better, but me feeling so much more empowered and like I'm stepping into control of this.

I have felt like I, I obviously feel better about myself, but I've even told him that I'm doing this for me now. Like I am enjoying this. And you just happen to be my husband and happen to be the guy that's like in this with me, but that turns them on. I am having fun. Yeah. I bet that turns them on.

Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. But I think for most guys and most people who have a healthy outlook on sex, it turns them on when their partner enjoys, you know, being fun or kinky or whatever. Like no one wants to people to be like, Oh right, I guess you can do this or whatever. So you embracing this and you doing this for yourself is awesome. And I get, I imagine he only, it only turns

them on even more. Yeah. Are we sending nudes? Yes. Nudes to save the relationship. Yeah, exactly. And I actually have a shoot the day after tomorrow for a professional session. Okay, yeah. So I'm going to take this off of our shared album. Who's taking the photos? A professional boudoir photographer. Hot, hot. You should send him some BTS shoots from the scene.

That's a good idea. I was going to keep it a surprise for his birthday. Oh, okay. Well, I don't want to ruin the surprise. That's a really good idea though. Maybe it's like you send him a little something. Also, you don't want to trigger him. Like, I don't know. Like, as a guy, might be like who's shooting this or whatever I don't want to trigger him that it's some guy. You know what trust your instincts it was a surprise keep it a surprise. But when you do send it make sure he knows like I'm assuming a woman's taking these photos. Yeah okay just make sure he knows that. Let him enjoy the surprise.

I don't want his first thought to be like, what the fuck, you know? This is great, man. It's so, man, this is great. I'm so excited for you guys. Isn't it crazy how sometimes like the answers are really so simple and so in front of us that we just, you just, we just have, sometimes we just have to try. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, we are both on the same page that we are in this for the long haul. And I can say like, we have never felt more connected and just arguments that don't matter just being able to communicate. arguments that don't matter, just being able to communicate. It just is so true how much intimacy and just connection are so intertwined. You know, we're

not frustrated with each other. I, you know, more easily can tell him I need you to go pick up the kids without feeling, you know, that it's just so funny because I feel like roles are reversed in that. I'm the one that wants it all the time and he is like a little taken aback. And I feel like the little child that, you know, when we don't do it at night, I'm over there being like, uh, yeah. Well, that's good. Well, that's good. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm back and I feel like the little child that you know when we don't do it at night I'm over there being like, uh, yeah Well, okay. Well, just make sure you're not yeah, just like enjoy it. Don't don't don't don't frustrate each other

You guys are allowed to be tired. You're allowed to not be in the mood, but that's awesome. I'm so happy for you guys Yes Was that what is what I said helpful? Very, absolutely. It just is so, like I said, and then we talked about our background quite a bit in the first call, and just being able to see it from not only a guy's side,

but just hear it from someone else that, yeah, it's okay. And relationships are hard and you have to step out of your comfort zone. And it is important to us. Like we both realized through this that this is important for us and we want to do whatever it takes. Yeah.

Well, that's the thing sometimes making a marriage work is just deciding to make it work. It's not that complicated. It's just a willingness to do it. And you know, when we get divorced or we break up with someone, you know, part of it is because there's conflict in the relationship with their, that quote unquote can't be resolved. But rarely ever is it that you can't solve it. You have two individuals who choose not to. And then when they, and when those relationships end, there's always like this looking for what you didn't get

in the relationship. But you and your husband have shown is that you can introduce things you're not getting in the relationship without ending the relationship. You just have to be willing to sit down and acknowledge to one another, what are you not getting out of this relationship? Where could I help?

What can we do as a team to change things? It's like you guys are fucking new people all of a sudden. You know? And it's fun, you know? You didn't have to leave the relationship, you didn't have to step out of the relationship to feel something new and something exciting and something different.

You're able to do that with each other, but it took a little bit of discomfort and a willingness to have conversations to get there. Well, thank you for, I think it's such a great update. I hope it is inspiring other people. I hope for all the people who are like, I don't know if I can have that conversation. Might as well try.

It sucks to put out, you know, someone you've been with for so long and just be open and honest, like you said, about what you're missing or not wanting, or just assuming that is, or isn't happening when the other one like is completely that it's not their train of thought at all. And, you know, just having that out there. And in my case, like talking to other friends that have recently, and they're out there dating, doing these things. So why wouldn't I want to do these things with a husband that still finds me attractive and that loves me and the father of my three kids. Like, why wouldn't I want to do those things that everyone else thinks is so normal and

what you do when you are, you know, dating and whatever. Yeah, well that's the thing. It's like why couldn't people do that with their partners? It's like they act like they can only do that with people they barely know and then they're dating. It's just like, boy, if you just would have introduced a little bit of that into your marriage, it could have gone a long way. Exactly, exactly.

It's important. All right, well, thank you for such a great update. We appreciate it. And enjoy the photo shoot. Keep sending those nudes. Thank you. Nudes to save the relationship. I will, thank you guys.

All right, take care. All right, bye. All right, bye-bye. And we're back, we got one more written update. Yes, so this is Chloe from episode 618. You might remember this because you might have a personal connection. She called in, basically her partner's physical changes

were affecting her attraction to him. He had a deviated septum and then she was kind of equating that to the result that he was now eating fast food. But again, a deviated septum does not change your appearance. No, not at all. But that's why she called in and she was basically like, when they met, he basically gave her... He had this perception that he was very physical, would hike a lot, but then the pandemic happened and then... He got lazy. He got lazy essentially.

And then she was questioning whether it was wrong to like lose her physical attraction. So she sends in a quick update and she says, "'Hi guys, thank you for checking in. "'I did end up breaking up with him "'after coming to the conclusion "'that we were just no longer compatible. "'That being said, we ended on good terms

"'and I had tickets to a comedy show together, "'but ended up with him falling asleep at the wheel "'on our way home and crashing us into a hydro pole "' breaking my back. I'm now three months post-back surgery after having spinal fusion, so we are no longer together and I will forever be impacted by a relationship. Ha ha. Oh my God. Is she okay? That's what she sent us in. Forever impacted by the relationship. Yeah. I think it's really important in those moments not to dwell on that aspect. We have a great ability to make bad situations worse by obsessing over ideas like that.

I mean, she's not wrong, but it just doesn't do her any good. She got in an accident. She could have been driving. It's like every time we get into a car, we run that risk. It doesn't do her any good to sleep. Like I thought I should have brought a guy with him sooner.

She did end up with, end the email with ha ha. So she's still trying to find like a law herded spin on. Yeah, I hope she's okay. Yeah, I mean, I think that it's important too to remind yourself in those situations that, everything happens for a reason. And it's possible that you could have been somewhere else that could have been even worse, you know?

So it's important to remember those things when, you know, you were supposed to give them another chance, you were supposed to go on that date. This was like, as dark as it sounds like it's possible. That's what I like to tell myself when something bad goes down instead of being like, oh, well, if I hadn't gone to pick that person up, I wouldn't have gotten a speeding ticket. It's like, well, I could have- Sure. Well, that's, but to your point though, like that's the thing.

It's just like, it's important to dwell over the negative because yeah, listen, I'm not, again, everything happens for a reason, but I do, I'm a big butterfly effect. and like, as long as you're willing to like learn and grow, I don't know what the future holds for our caller, but her life has been impacted by this. She probably has, if nothing else, a lot of physical therapy. Hopefully, you know, she can make a pretty, you know, good recovery, but like down the line, it will be impacted. You're right, she's right.

This technically will always change her life, how much she recovers from it or not, but this is such a big thing that, think of all the physical therapy appointments she's now going to that she wouldn't be going to. Well, think about all the people she might meet, and somewhere along the line, healthy people and situations will come up, all of which, none would have happened.

It's like you gotta take the good with the bad, just like you have to take the bad with the good. So if you're gonna dwell on the bad, it's like eventually good things are gonna come from this. What that is, we don't know yet. So to sit there and dwell on the bad. Or to blame yourself. You can't blame yourself for doing that

because you could've, you know, it's unfortunate that this happened and I hope that she recovers quickly and easily, but you know, anything could've happened to you that day and you just don't know. Well, and something you said in the original call was it must be tiring to continue being his cheerleader. This is the original call when he was spiraling,

so now she has the chance to at least be her own cheerleader. What is the protocol? I mean, it's is there a double standard, you know Because listen, I think if anytime if a woman called in right? Yeah, I have a boyfriend and let's say, you know It's like I can tell my boyfriend has lost attraction to me and yesterday He told me that I've gained too much weight and no longer he's attracted to me. And I think we would all agree and say, well, that guy's a fucking asshole. Like he didn't need to say that.

Right? On the, is that, is that what it is? Like, is it regardless of you, maybe some things you just don't need to say, but like what, where in the relationship, you know, every, I think every couple is like, hey, if I, you know, when you're both looking hot, when you're both looking fresh,

couples will say this to each other. Don't ever let me become that person. You, you be honest with me when that happens, you know? And you're like, sure, no problem. Like, no way. But like, when do you, and when is it ever okay to communicate, you know, and how, how do you communicate it? In my opinion, it would be, it would, I would only ever say anything to Dan, like for the weight thing,

for example, I would only ever say anything if it was impacting his health. Otherwise, like appearance wise, I would just keep my mouth shut. Because there's a way to also phrase it without commenting on physical appearance. Yeah. In most situations. Yeah, it's like cholesterol, like I'm worried for your health. There's that, yeah. This call was more about like,

it was more about his attitude and his laziness that was the biggest turnoff. Which is a whole separate thing. Yeah, again, if that's impacting his physical appearance, it's rather than to say, I'm not attracted to you anymore physically. So it's called a lazy piece of shit. Yeah. It's like, I'm not attracted to how you're not

career oriented, you're not getting off the couch, you're not going out and doing things. That's not attracted to me as opposed to a physical attribute. You've given up on yourself. No. That no, don't say that. That's essentially what you're saying,

but in not those words. Cause that's a little harsh, but it's more like, I'm attracted to people who are passionate about their career and passionate about bettering their life and excited to explore the world. I'm not necessarily attracted to someone who sits on a couch all day sometimes, but not all day. Yeah, so that, as opposed to commenting on like, I'm not attracted to your nose.

We've also had people write in where, for example, we had one woman write in and she basically said like, my husband's now losing weight and exercising a lot, should I be concerned? So I think like the door swings both ways on like people questioning their partner's physical appearance, but maybe it's like not a question of their appearance, but their lifestyle choices. Right.

It's more of like you can question in a way that you're trying to understand. I mean, the only time I ever, I mean, I remember bringing in a relationship long ago where my partner lost a lot of weight and I wasn't into it. Because she was always at the gym and like her lifestyle or you didn't physically find it attractive? I physically wasn't, it wasn't my cup her lifestyle or you didn't physically find it attractive? I physically wasn't, it wasn't my cup of tea. I didn't say anything, but.

Right, cause if that's the reason then you don't, I think that if it was more so like, you know, you go to the gym instead of like hanging out, but you know, like you would, you know, it's more like that where it's like we go out to dinner and like you never let yourself like, have a good time with me. Because I do think people could swing too far in either way.

Yeah, it is an interesting conversation. Cause it is based somewhat on like social programming, but at the same time. No, 100%. Like I've struggled with an eating disorder and I was no fun at all during that time. Like I would go out to eat and I would not eat. You know, so it's like definitely that's more like action as opposed to the physical

appearance of what that did to me. Yeah, tough conversation. Yeah, it's very interesting. Whew, anyways, all right, well we got one more caller left. Let's get to the update. What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one, find themselves on a team?

Taking on jaw, dropping obstacles all across Canada is one thing. Working together on a team with some pretty big personalities is another. It's a new season of Canada's Ultimate Challenge, and sparks are going to fly. New episode Sundays. Watch free on CBC Gem. Well, we are closing in on wedding planning. We've never been married before, neither of us. I know that's surprising to some of you about me. It's our first for both of us.

And we didn't really know what we were doing and Zola made the wedding planning process so much easier. It's been absolutely a game changer for us because they basically told us how to plan a wedding and every step of the way they were there to help facilitate it, make it easier. Our wedding website was through Zola. We did our save the dates through Zola.

We did our invitations through Zola. They made the design process so much easier that fit our aesthetic with what we wanted. So we did the like watercolor on the inside of the envelope for the invitations. And so many people were like, these are the most beautiful invitations I've ever seen. They really like captured my vision to a T.

And on our RSVPs, I knew it would be hard to figure out what wedding songs to put on. I knew I didn't want the cha-cha slide. I knew I didn't want like just the YMCA, like the basic wedding songs. And so I was like, this would be so fun if on our RSVPs we put, are you RSVPing, accepts, decline,

but then also what song will get you on the dance floor? And I feel like I was showing Nick some of the other songs. We were going through them and I was like, oh, shut up and dance is what Allie said. And I like had everyone's like memorized of who sent the songs in. And I was like, this is gonna be so fun

to be at the wedding and hear your song come on. And be like, this is the one that I put. And our DJ is gonna remix everyone's song requests. And put it together. And put it all together. It's gonna be a ton of fun. Honestly, if you're like Nellie and I, and you got engaged and you're planning a wedding,

and then even if you've thought about your wedding your whole time, and then you got to the point where you're like, wait, how do you actually do this? Just go to Zola. The roadmap is there, they make it so much easier. It's paint by numbers, planning a wedding, honestly. It's wedding planning for dummies. And I felt like I was a dummy,

and they made me feel like a wedding planning extraordinaire. Yeah, Zola has made everything so easy for us, and all of their tools are designed to make wedding planning seamless, stress-free and actually fun. With Zola, you can plan your entire wedding in one convenient place. So if you are planning a wedding,

start planning at zola.com. That's Z-O-L-A dot com, zola.com. Welcome back, Camilla. Hello. Hello. How are you? We're great. How are you? Great.

Thank you for having me again. It's great to have you back. Your voice has changed. We've, I don't know if people remember. To set it up, Camilla called in a while. What was her first episode? First episode was 442. 442.

So 300 some episodes ago. I remember the first time you called in. The first time she called in because she was living in Costa Rica at the time, your boyfriend was from England and you were considering moving to England at the time, but you were very close to your family. You were very torn between kind of rooting up your

life and moving. And I was ultimately like, I think I just generally gave you the advice of, like you can always move home, which is usually my advice when those, this'll be fun. Let's play a quick clip from the original call. And I think the audience can decide from themselves if Camilla's voice has evolved.

How's it going? Good, how are you guys? So good. Great to talk to you again. Last time you called in you had some, you weren't sure about the risks you should take maybe. Where are you at? Bring us up to speed. I wasn't really sure if I should move abroad with my partner because we were considering moving from, we live in Costa Rica right now. We were considering moving to England. Your guys's advice, I still think about it now. It was really, really useful. You guys told me how staying at a place for others ends up costing me in the long run because if I don't do things for myself,

and then these people's priorities change, and then I'm just left in a place where I don't want to be just for the sake of being with others. And so the update is really unexpected, I think. And that's why I wanted to let you guys know. But funnily enough, when I called originally last May, that same day, my mom felt really ill. And I don't want to get emotional about it, but I think I'm going to have to. But basically, she got really ill. She really ill and I don't want to get emotional about it but I think I'm going to have to. But basically she got really ill, she had cancer and we didn't know. And basically two months after that she passed away. And thank you. It was really unexpected and it was really hard because my sister had already passed away a couple of years ago.

And so they were like my two closest family members. And the fact that they both left was a huge shock. And I was here in Costa Rica mostly for her. I came back from England during the pandemic here, back here to be with her. So the fact that she was gone was kind of like the perfect example of sort of what Nick was implying in the reach of a call that if I stayed here for someone else and then like they were gone, then like what's left for me here. So, it was really interesting. Obviously, I know you didn't mean it in like that dark of a twist, but that's why it ended up happening. And so, when she got really ill own then she ended up passing away really suddenly my partner was

Away at work, and he was like in dribbelta or something like that. I don't know. He was really really far away It was like a 20-hour flight back home, and he took it immediately He like dropped everything and came home which was like a big it spoke a lot about his character because you know how alone it would be that honestly that's Significant I Don't think a lot of you know a lot of people would be like oh, I'm so sorry But like that's a 20-hour flight. You know like and he was at work. It wasn't like his choice Yeah, so good for good on him. That's clearly someone who's

Really wants to be there for you. So now we realize that if there was a good reason to move before, there's even more so to do it now. And so we've started all the paperwork and we are almost finished with it. I think if everything goes well in like six weeks, we should have an answer, but our plan is to move July 1st. So we already have like a

house. So yeah, we're gonna move there. We have our dog's permits ready to go. So she's coming with us and we're in the middle of selling everything here. And yeah, so I feel a lot more excited to move now ever since the fear that I had before had slowly but surely moved away. And now I'm more so excited of what's to come and getting a fresh start away from everything. All right. Well, congratulations on the upcoming move. Very exciting stuff.

It's gonna be, I'm sure, a really great adventure for you and one that you'll be really glad that you made. Yeah. Okay. Then you gave us an update after you had first moved, right? No, so that was just after we decided to make the move and the paperwork and everything was ongoing,

but we hadn't actually made the move yet. Okay, so there she sounded more Spanish. Yeah, a little bit. What was the advice I gave you for that? What was, what was, what was the question there? Well, it wasn't so much of a question. I wanted to let you guys know that like what you said about not staying in Costa Rica or like anywhere really for the people,

but more so for my own personal projects was exactly what happened because my mom had passed away a little bit after you and I spoke the first time suddenly and everything was kind of like drastic at the time and so it kind of helped me realize that I can't stay in one place for one reason and that's sort of why we made the move but it wasn't like the sole reason but it was like part of the reasoning why I made the decision But back then there wasn't really much of a question. It was just an update now It's both a question and an update I think okay, so and when did you move we moved in June of last year? So we've been here for around ten months. Okay, and how's it going? So? Everything you told me kind of happened so what I was told at the beginning

What did I tell you you said that it was gonna be difficult to put to put myself out there, but ultimately that was going to be the way to make friends. And obviously like, as really worked out and paid off at the beginning, I really struggled. I couldn't make friends. I didn't know what to do. But I started to put myself out there, bumble BFF and like going to bars and going to things and meeting people and finding a new job obviously you have to start your life over things like getting a driver's license because it's on the other side of the road you know like everything has to be brand new but I did it all so that's been great in that regard but my relationship has really been taking I think a little bit of a toll and I'm

quite confused because I'm quite confused because I'm not sure if everything is extremely circumstantial, or if this is just who my boyfriend is. Okay. But because we made this whole move, you know, now it feels a bit scary to leave, or to even question leaving, I guess.

Sure, okay, so, you know, not shocked to hear that. How long you guys been together? Three and a half years. Three and a half years, okay. Yeah, I mean, listen, this was always possible, you know? Like if you would have told me when I gave you the advice to like, hey, you can always, you always move, that like you could have moved for him,

try to make it work, and then the relationship could not work out and you could still fall in love with the place that you ended up moving to. You know, that was always possible. Yeah. It's funny, Natalie has an aunt who lives in Spain because she married a guy who lived in Spain, moved to Spain, raised a family in Spain,

still lives in Spain, not married to the guy she moved to Spain for and then made a life there, you know? So there is that. But what is going on in your relationship that makes you question, you know, what's going on? Yeah, so for some context, so my boyfriend doesn't speak any Spanish, right? And he really struggled when we were in Costa Rica, and he didn't really have a lot of a social life, and he struggled with like, just feeling like he was belonging. And we always kind of attributed that to, well, the lack of culture and the lack of, you know, like the language and all these barriers that had that in mind.

We also lived in a city. He's very much like a countryside kind of person, outdoorsy, like I told you before, like he works on boats. He's been coming and going, all these things. But now that we're here, so we're in a city here as well, because that's kind of what I wanted. But he agreed, you know, he was happy with that. And he, so he decided to leave his job as a sea person because he was just kind of burned out with his job back in January. But he had a sea ferrer,afarer, like a boat.

Oh, okay. That's the sea. Okay. All right. Yeah. But so, he hasn't really made any friends. He hasn't really put himself out there. It's very much the same as when we were in Costa Rica that I felt like I was in charge of outings and keeping the household ready and like I put myself out there I'm not even from here and I have a group of friends and I have like a life set up here and he's I guess struggling a little bit with who he wants to be but also just struggling with the relationship and like he's not really managed to make friends or even put himself out there he blames it all and like the fact that he thinks he's going through an identity crisis. And to a point, I agree,

but also he's not putting any effort. How old is your boyfriend? He's 33. Okay. Yeah. How did you meet? Why was he in Costa Rica when you guys first met? So he decided to move.

It was end of 2020, so it was just that the pandemic was at least opening up a little bit more. And he decided to move somewhere else to start fresh. He went to Costa Rica once and really liked it. He wanted to move to the beach there. But then we matched on Bumble there. And I lived in the city, but he was like,

well, this relationship is so great. It doesn't matter, I'll move to the city. So he kind of did it on a whim, I guess. Is he an introvert? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And so what are you guys struggling with the most right now? I think because he's been responsible financially for a while, and now that he's not working, he kind of feels like that pressure is more. So he kind of like makes comments sometimes or like lashes out or makes me feel bad about like, for instance, I got a new job a month ago

and it's been really difficult for me to find something and I wanted to like celebrate. And he was like, I think that's kind of silly. Like, why would you celebrate? It's just like a job. And like, he understands that I kind of want these things and like need these little details, but it doesn't come like natural to him.

And he, I think has been attributing it to the fact that he's struggling with himself. But if I think back, I feel like he's always sort of been like that a little bit, but before it was the Costa Rica excuse, and now, you know, I'm not sure. Gotcha. Well, yeah, I mean, that's good for you to acknowledge.

I mean, I guess that was always possible. I mean, you're basically saying that, you know, that's a big thing to own, I mean, I guess that was always possible. I mean, you're basically saying that, that's a big thing to own, right? Like you guys met in these kind of crazy circumstances. Him even being in Costa Rica was kind of like, why are you here? It almost sounds like he was having a bit of a crisis then. Starting over is such a drastic thing to say,

as opposed to like, I wanted to, I don't know, I wanted to do something adventurous and fun, you know. If you can recognize that a lot of the frustrations you had about him and the relationship, you kind of chalked up to him being out of his element, then yeah, that's definitely something that is possible because now that you have changed your environment you you moved for him You know you are seeing the same. You know you're not seeing anything different. Nothing's changing

Yeah, you know so yeah, I mean you've been with this guy for three and a half years. Yeah Yeah, but it's always been two months on two months off. What do you mean two months on two months off? Because he has to be on the boat or he's historically always been on the boat for two months on, two months off. What do you mean two months on, two months off? Because he has to be on the boat, or he's historically always been on the boat for two months and then home for two months on vacation and then back and forth. Okay. This is the first time I've been like, I guess,

in one go, like more than four months. Sure, but even, okay, so, bringing it about like the new new, I'm just saying his red flags, whatever you wanna call it, the things so, thinking about the new new, I'm just saying, his red flags, whatever you wanna call it, the things you find frustrating about him or the relationship. You've dated this guy for three years,

I guess is what I'm saying. And even though it's been two months on and two months off, you know this person. And so you tell me, who do you think your boyfriend is? I think that's difficult because I think he has two versions of himself, who he really is and who he aspires constantly to be. More so for himself than anyone else.

And I don't know. No, no, no, I get that. But that doesn't change who he is. You know what I'm saying? Like, who's the person you've experienced? So maybe that is, well, he can show different sides of him. He can be inconsistent with the person he shows. Like that's who he is right now. You know what I'm saying? You can't, you seem to always be finding a way to try to make an excuse for his behavior. You know what I'm saying?

So when I ask you who is he, you're like, well, that's kind of complicated because like there's this variable and there's that variable and there's this, you know, this might explain it. But at the end of the day, you've dated this guy for three and a half years, you've gotten to know him, you've seen him stressed out, you've seen him happy, you've seen how he supports you, you've seen how he doesn't support you.

I'm guessing you've seen him in kind of almost every instance. So if someone said, you know, describe your boyfriend to me, you know, describe him, you know, how did, like, how is he as a partner? Do you find him to be a supportive partner? Forget about trying to, you know, ease the answer or explain why he is a certain way. We could spend all day being like, well, he's this way because maybe he had some childhood trauma or like I asked, is he introverted? Okay, that certainly might explain why he acts the way he is, but as far as you're concerned, who is he? You know, who do you feel like you're in a relationship with?

I think he is not sure who he even is himself, because he's so, like you said, like he was in a little bit of a crisis when he moved to Costa Rica, and then kind of put all of his personality in a way into the relationship and to this day has kind of been that. I think I kind of struggle because to me he is caring, he's so supportive and he can be supportive in like a financial way and like a being present kind of way but he's not gentle

or like soft or I guess to me like what I need like someone that's like open and vulnerable. Okay. But he's physically there that I know for him means that he's like a supportive person and he's um I guess you're right that he is inconsistent and for himself and for others because of what you said of like the things that he's shown and not shown. I guess. What does he sound an interest in, in terms of like, it sounds like he's struggling with what he wants, like you said, what he wants to do with it. Is it a professional dilemma?

Is it like a personal dilemma? I think both because he's not sure what he wants to do for a living. He's not sure where he wants to do for a living. He's not sure where he wants to live. He likes certain like outdoorsy hobbies, but he doesn't feel like a quote unquote normal person because he's been working on boats for so long and he doesn't connect with people that say go to an office, go to work and come home because his life is so quote unquote like exciting in comparison. And like you know he likes cars and motorbikes

and he has those sort of hobbies but since he left his job he hasn't really been doing those hobbies because he's afraid of like the finance implications of that. So why is he unemployed? He just was burned out so he left his. Okay. And he wanted to change careers

and perhaps pursue to be a helicopter pilot. But that's expensive. So he started it and now he's kind of post it because he feels like it's he's not sure he wants to really pursue it so he's kind of put it on hold for a bit. Like what is your, how do you like I guess how do you feel about your relationship? And I want you to like before you hold up before you answer I want you to just like vent.? And I want you to, before you answer, I want you to just vent. I don't want you to consider what you're saying. I want you to just say it.

You know what I'm saying? I don't want you to empathize with him first, and I don't want you to be understanding. I just want you to vent about good or bad about your relationship. Okay, I have been feeling really bad because I think he doesn't understand the things I need. And I also feel guilty because I know he's taking on

the financial, quote unquote, burden of me and him as a family in a way. But that doesn't mean that I don't have any other needs and I feel like he doesn't work on the relationship. He doesn't think about what I need I feel like he doesn't work on the relationship. He doesn't think about what I need because he thinks he's already given everything because of the fact that we have a house and like all our needs, financial and like other like day-to-day needs are being met. But I'm just tired because I feel like I've told him and when I tell him that I need things like

date nights or celebrations because I just got a new job or I want to plan something for my birthday or I want to do something nice even if it's like little details but he does it one time because I asked them to but it doesn't come natural to him and I've been struggling because I think the arguments can sometimes get a little bit nasty. And he gets really defensive for comments that I make, that I know. Well, how do you make those comments? So I'll use this example of all this energy drink situation.

So a couple of days ago, I woke up at like 7 a.m. and he had opened, it wasn't like a Red Bull, but it was like a natural energy drink, but still heavily caffeinated. And he was like opening that like drink at 7 AM with like no food, nothing, just having that thing, but he's unemployed and he just woke up at 7 AM. So what do you need the energy drink for? So I kind of just said like, Oh, that's kind of bad for your stomach.

What are you doing drinking that first thing in the morning? And he got really defensive, started Googling it and then telling me like that I was wrong. That was probably some random video that I saw on TikTok about how drinking energy, drinking the morning spot for you, but it's actually not. And he just picked a really ugly argument and he always does this, like a Googling fact. And I hate that. So I just kind of burst and I said, every time you Google something, I feel like I'm

never right, I can never be somehow concerned for your health. That's a good thing. It has to be like, I'm attacking your character, or like he feels like I'm judging him, so he needs to defend himself. And it's never taking him to a place of like, she's worried, she's concerned.

I should think about why I'm doing this. But immediately he just goes for like an argument. What did he say to that? What did he say to that? What did he say to that? Did you express that to him? I did, I told him that that made me feel really small and he just said like, oh, you're being dramatic, do I always do this?

And I was like, well, no, but you do it often enough that I feel like this. And he always makes me, I don't know, like there are times that these are going to. Did you ever ask him, how can I support you in a way that you feel support for me and how can I express my frustrations to you in a way that doesn't always trigger you?

Because it does feel like any time I'm frustrated and I get it, you have your frustrations too, but I wanna be able to express things to you, not because I wanna criticize you, because I wanna be able to express things to you, not because I wanna criticize you, because I wanna communicate to you how we can better understand each other. Have you said something like that? Not really, because I feel like every time I say my,

I express my feelings or I express my concerns, they're met with like I'm being dramatic or I pay too much attention to words. And I don't know, like he can say something that would make me feel small or insignificant, but because he's there, then I shouldn't feel like that. I don't know. Wait, because he's there,

you're not supposed to have feelings? So for example, when I got this new job, I was really excited. I was with a friend having a celebratory drink, and I told him how they were gonna give me a work from home setup and I was gonna have a new computer, and this computer I currently have,

he had to, he bought for me because my computer broke randomly one day and I didn't have any money to buy a new one. And his first comment was like, oh, so I get my computer back now. Kind of like, saying this, this computer you have, I paid for it, so it's actually mine. What would you have preferred?

For him to be happy for me, that I have this new job and this stupid new computer and I'm gonna get for the job. Does he make a lot of comments to you in a passive aggressive way about how he supports you financially? Yeah. Okay, well, you know, nothing's free, as they say.

Is there any part of you that's still with him because you moved here for him? Like how much of you being in this relationship is currently more based off of, you know, either whatever promises you made to yourself, or, you know, if I quit now quit now or like more based off of loyalty rather than your actual happiness or obligation or loyalty or anything like that.

A little bit but it's also the fact that like I said because I think he's going through stuff, I wonder how much is. Well that can always be an excuse to me from what I'm hearing is that he's been going through stuff since you met him. And that's what I say, like you have to learn to dance in the rain. You can't wait for the rain to stop to start being happy.

But he's always looking for the next thing that's going to make him happy or better. But yeah, also, it's kind of, it's kind of a emotional burden to always be dealing with someone who's never able to find personal fulfillment or never feel settled because then their drama always trumps yours. It's like their concerns are always greater than yours. It's like, oh, well, it sounds like he doesn't do a very good job of validating you ever. Just for the record, it's fucking crazy that you got a new job and he made you feel bad for wanting to celebrate that. And he fixes it later, he's like a week later or something, he booked the night's dinner and he was like,

I'm so sorry I didn't celebrate it originally, but a whole argument had to come of me telling him that that wasn't okay for him to do something. Yeah, and did you mention that at some point? So like, hey, thank you for acknowledging this, but like, in the thank you for acknowledging this, but like, in the future, could we maybe not have to go through the whole song and dance?

I just feel like he genuinely believes he doesn't, like he doesn't see a world where someone would want a big fuss. That's what he sees it as. And I know there's also like a cultural pattern to that, that people here can be very like keeping to themselves and being a little bit like this. So that's where I wonder.

Cause he says like- Oh, you have a friend in there who's from England. Is it crazy that you wanted to celebrate a job? Do people from England just not want to celebrate anything? Are you guys just in that entirely boring of a culture? I don't think that's the case. Well, what we talked about is that a lot of people are like that here, but they doesn't have to be. Yeah. But I think it's just he wants to change and he tells

me all these things like, hey, he wants to get better at it. But I just think he's not in his nature. And I think like it's just not something he can do. I always like one thing I say all the time, and I feel like you're kind of reminding me of it, is you can't help people who don't wanna help themselves. You can't pick up the slack that people are unwilling to do in their own lives, you know? And the more you talk, it sounds like you are trying to, again, whether it's because you wanna be

an empathetic partner or whatever, but there always seems to be a reason that you're trying to explain his behavior. And maybe some of those reasons are valid. I mean, listen, he wouldn't be the first person who's gone through, you know, a five year rut, but most people aren't able to maintain healthy relationships if they are in fact, going to go through a five-year rut. And if people go through a five-year rut, it's not because they're incapable of getting out of it.

It's probably because they haven't done anything proactive to get themselves out of this rut. They're just down bad. They victimize themselves. It's never their fault. They're unhappy. And then again, they's, they victimize themselves. It's, it's never their fault. You know, they're unhappy, you know, and then, and then, you know, again, they could become a Debbie downer and like, you seem like patient and you've been with this guy for a while, hell, you moved across the country for him. You've been accommodating for his kind of very inconsistent schedule, two

months on, two months off at some point. If you're going to be in a relationship with this guy, you have to feel like he is willing to actually try and not say he's going to try, but actually do the thing that he says, you know, he can't keep apologizing for the same thing. He can't make, he can't keep making you feel bad for disagreeing with him or having a difference of opinion. with him or having a difference of opinion. At the end of the day, if he's going to keep saying, well, this is how I am and yada, yada, yada, maybe you guys just agreed that you're just not as compatible as you hoped, but like, you can't keep making excuses for him. You know?

Yeah, I agree with you. But what you were saying about like how someone can sometimes be in like a five-year rot, isn't it kind of like heartless to leave them alone when they're going through something like this? Because first of all, like, you know, maybe it's not a rut either. And it's, no, if he's going through a rut, he's an adult and everyone goes through a rut and everyone goes through a tough time. And you would be there to support him if he wanted that support, but you don't

feel like he's appreciative of the support you're willing to give. It sounds like he does quite the opposite. He almost like mocks you forward or makes you feel a little foolish or I'm hearing that you just, you're looking for something to work with, but you know, it's like he supports you financially, but at the end of the day, not for free. He has a passive aggressive away of kind of making you feel like you owe him you know or that it's not really something he's happy to do you know I'm not getting the impression that you take for granted his generosity or you assume

certain things now that you have this new job are you able to support yourself yeah I well I haven't gotten my first pay check yet but so it's like a new new job yeah I started like three weeks ago congrats I mean is there any is there Yeah, I well I haven't gotten my first pay check yet, but so it's like a new new job Yeah, I started like three weeks ago. Congrats. I mean is there any is there well I mean listen like people complain all the time about things that they actually Don't want to lose, you know, so what I mean for example, it's like yeah He might be he's been financially supporting you and it sounds like he's out from time to time He finds moments to be passive aggressive about it and point out that it's his computer not yours And that you know, oh he can get it back when he he bought this for you, you know

And so yeah, technically it's his but him needing to point that out is a way of just letting you know And it makes you feel bad, it makes you feel like, oh my god, all this. But there is a world where you getting a job and you being able to support you financially is a bit of security that he has in the relationship. Like you need him. So like here, my girlfriend moved from Costa Rica. She didn't have a job. I'm kind of paying for her. And like he knows he's not the perfect person right now. He knows he hasn't been stepping Your girlfriend moved from Costa Rica. She didn't have a job. I'm kind of paying for her. And like, he knows he's not the perfect person right now. He knows he hasn't been stepping up as a boyfriend.

He knows you've been frustrated. So there's a world in which like deep down, he's a little afraid of your independence that you have created on your own. I don't know if that's true, but it's possible. Yeah, it's possible. Because it doesn't make sense that he wouldn't be happy for you.

I guess why what I'm saying is he's got to give you something. You got to be able to work with something. You can't keep coming up with excuses as to why he is the way he is. At some point, you're just going to have to say, this is who you are. Because he could easily be a person that is never going to be happy with himself That maybe to be able to be to where you want to be might require literally therapy He might have to change his perspective on life You made a comment where like he's not like anyone else because he has a more exciting life That's a kind of a weird thing to say like who are you convincing? Are you convincing yourself?

Are you convincing yourself or are you convincing these other people? I've always thought that as well. Like I think it's a really weird strange thing to think about because people are still people, aren't they? I mean sure, I think him going to sea is interesting. I don't find it very, that would not be exciting to me. That would be hell. Good for him, you know. Good for him to move into Costa Rica. That's great, you know? But like, yeah, like why does he, but clearly he is a guy who is struggling

with some sort of purpose in his life. But that's not your responsibility and you can't be his emotional caretaker. You can be there to support him. You can be there to be his cheerleader. You can be there to have his back. But he doesn't want that support, it doesn't seem like. In fact, he seems to, Kritika, he always,

he uses you trying to support him as a way to make you feel dumber or less about yourself. I mean, don't get me wrong, like Noah wants to like, if he wants to have an energy drink in the morning, pop off, King. But personally, I like it when Natalie points out that I, you know, when I have a sweet tooth, you know, and lately I've been kind of indulging in that sweet tooth despite me,

you know, getting married soon. And you know, Natalie will remind me of that. And I'm not Googling stupid articles as to why I should be able to eat Nutella with pretzels at night. I bet I could find it on the internet. But I don't need to be right all the time. It sounds like he does, but like he is not finding value, you know, that's the thing. It's like you can't be his emotional, you're like his

emotional punching bag, not his emotional support system. Unfortunately, he puts you down or doesn't praise you when you deserve it because he is unhappy with his own life. And it is not your responsibility. You don't owe him anything. He chose to financially support you. That was a decision he made. You didn't sign a contract. There wasn't an IOU. You both as adults entered in this relationship. And oh, by the way, you fucking moved across the world for him. You made sacrifices too, he made sacrifices, you both made sacrifices, even Steven.

But like, he's having a hard time seeing that. Yeah, and it's something that, because I've, all these things that you're saying, I have said, and then when these conversations are happening, then he starts going like, well, no, but I don't want you to pay me back and I just want the recognition I see that you like to see that you actually appreciate it or do you think you could do a better job of appreciating some of those things no definitely I feel like I've been so

outspoken and thankful and do you say well like I feel like I have but how could I show how could I better show you my appreciation? I mean, the best, you know, when people don't make sense, you know, it seems like your boyfriend often doesn't. The best way to deal with someone who doesn't make sense is ask them questions. Don't point out how much they don't make sense. Ask follow-up questions.

Well, you never do this. Okay, well, how can I do this? I feel like I do, but maybe I'm wrong. Can I do it? And if you know make him say the thing that you were like okay fair enough but like did I not do like okay but like you know let's say he says well yeah well you could do this but like well what was last week Wednesday when I said blah blah blah blah blah did that was that not what you're saying or you know what I'm saying? Ask you know when you ask questions to things

that you know the answers to, you gotta make them answer the question. It's easy to just disagree with you. It's easy to bring up an article. Act dumb and confused. Oh, okay, well, how do I do that? How can I better support you? How can I do this?

This is what I wanna do. Instead of pointing out what he's doing wrong and then he'll get defensive, just be like, oh, well, I would love to, how can I connect with you better? How can I do this? Eventually, he's not either gonna have an answer,

but you can point out that eventually it's just like, yeah, I wanna do this because I care, but like, I'm not, he's clearly very triggered when you say always or never, and then he uses that against you. Why never do this? And don't get me wrong, it is frustrating when you, you know, when someone, you know, if you say always and never a lot, I can get why he gets frustrated. But at the same time, people use that against

you. So, but yes, asking questions is a great way to deal with people who don't make a lot of sense. Why are you still with them? Is it more out of obligation or is it out of love? I think it's both. I feel a sense of like if I were to leave right now, I would feel extremely guilty. For what? Considering how much he's actually like he had to furnish the house and he paid for literally everything. Obviously doing stuff here in England is a lot more expensive than what we were used to before. Sure, did he?

And with him now, it feels so... Let's say you weren't his girlfriend. Would he live without furniture? Or would he be homeless? Would he not have an apartment? Yeah, but I still think I kind of used them and it would feel very like, oh, thank you. Now that I have all these things and I have a job,

I'm gonna leave. But that's not why you're leaving, is it? You tell me. No. Are you me. No. Like, is it, are you secretly, did you secretly use him for all these years until you got a job so that you could break up with him once you got, I mean, is that what's going on? No.

Okay, then. But he's struggling and I feel like it's, you don't leave people when they're found. Well, not, yeah, sometimes you do. I mean, it all depends on what, is he willing to work with you or is he just making, is he just making his problem your problem? I'm not trying to convince you to break up with him, but I, I feel very strongly that it is not your obligation to stay with him just because he is struggling. Because I think you need to realize what you're saying to me and what you're saying to me is this man has been struggling with his identity since you met him.

And so maybe it's probably more likely this is who he is rather than something he's going through. But either way, he needs to be proactive and he actually needs to do something to either change his behavior or help him get out of this rut. He's not doing either. He's either moping around and feeling sorry for himself, coming up with different ways why life's not fair, and then taking out his frustrations on you and not emotionally supporting you in your successes, and he's not treating you like a teammate. He's treating you like an individual he's in a relationship with

He's not seeing your successes as a part of his successes. He's competing with you in a way Yeah, I mean and that's just a lot for you to undertake in a relationship And even if he was even if he like came to you today and said hey I'm really I'm committed to working on this It might be a while before you actually see any real progress. I mean, you're talking about a guy who doesn't even know what he wants to do. So, you know, how long you gonna wait around for him to figure that out? And he can be struggling with something and still be a great boyfriend. You know, he could be like, you know, babe, I don't really know what I wanna do with my life.

I often feel disappointed with how things have worked out. Sometimes I feel this and sometimes I feel that, but tell you what, you've been the one shining light in these past three years and I really appreciate having you around and you're always there for me. And like, you know, he could decide to be an awesome boyfriend.

He could be like, I don't have a lot, I don't know what, there's a lot of things I don't know about my life, but I do know I love her. I do know I wanna be in a relationship with her. I do know I wanna work on our connection. I do know that I want to be happy for her. He's not, you know what I'm saying? He's capable of doing that.

He chooses not to be. He has said that, but like what you just said, like I don't know about anything, but I know it was one thing I did right and it's being with you. Okay. But I feel like that's, it even maybe feels like a lot of pressure

that that's like the only thing. Well, sure, I get that. But I mean, is he saying it because when you're like, when he thinks you're breaking up with him, when is he saying that stuff like that? No, he hasn't said it lately, but because we've been arguing a lot, but he has said it in the past,

like sometimes when he's like really confused or like struggling about what he wants to do next, he does bring that up, that like me and our dog is like the one thing that he's really thankful that he has. And does that make you feel good? He's not thankful, you know? He just says it. You don't think he is, you don't believe it?

I think I believe it because there's not a lot to compare it to, I guess. Not saying that I'm a bad partner, but like saying this friend's like, like, well, everything else is shit, but at least I have her kind of thing. I guess that that's a more you problem, I think. You know, because you gotta, again, you can always find something to complain about. Maybe he's rubbing off on you. Maybe.

Yeah, I mean, but if he says it sincerely in a time where he's not like afraid that you're gonna break up with him, and he's like, you know, I just want you to know that I'm lucky to have you. I hope you feel that, you know? I mean, what do you think is, what do you, if I were to, if you were to try to sum up,

what do you happy, like what do you love about your relationship and what do you need to change to be in it? I love that we are extremely, like that we've been together through difficult things and always wanted to find a solution that's something that we've always like I've never felt like he's I don't know like oh this is too difficult I'm just gonna give up on it like even if things even if he hasn't actually done anything

for himself in terms of the relationship I can tell that he shows up. And maybe not with words, maybe not in the way that I've needed, but he shows up in the way he knows how. Which is how? So for example, like when my mom passed away, and I was really bad, and I was crying a lot, he didn't know what to say. And maybe I needed more like words. And because I am very word oriented but he would hug me and he wouldn't really know what to say but he would be there.

Okay that's nice. Did he say I'm not really sure what to say but I just want to be here for you? Did he say that? Yeah. Okay he still needs to try you know I guess I just am just saying like we all have our strengths we all have our weaknesses. Yeah. But we still have our strengths, we all have our weaknesses. But we still have to work on our weaknesses sometimes. We can't just say, especially when it comes to making our partners feel loved. So he has to- And I think that's what I need.

It's like I need him to be a little bit more verbal or for him to sometimes just know what I need. And I know that it's like, I don't want him to read my mind every single time, but like if sometimes I'm feeling really anxious or if I'm having a bad episode because I miss my mom, I want him to know what would make me feel better. Because like you said, we've been together for three and a half years. Like he should know what I need sometimes. What do you need when you're going through that?

Um, I need him to like make me laugh laugh to get me out of my own head to like Make something like it's gonna walk. Let's walk the dog on the park or Whatever and what does he do? He just kind of hugs me I can tell that he doesn't know what to do and that's when I feel frustrated because I feel like at this point He should know Yeah, maybe maybe not so like that's where you're being a bit contradictory. Well, you know, because at first part it's just like, hey, my boyfriend's really struggling with life and I feel bad because he's struggling, he can't figure himself out and here I am

being like, well listen, it's not your problem, you know, like I get it, but like, you know, you're just like, well can you leave someone if they're going through something? And then the flip side, you're like, he should know how to make me feel better. But I've questioned that myself, because I've questioned, shouldn't I know how to make him feel better? I also don't know how to make him feel better.

Well, his is like a long-term problem. I mean, you're having these like, if you're having a bad day, which everyone has, does he at least ask, how can I make you feel better? Not really, no. Okay, so if you had the benefit of a genie who gave you two wishes and you can only grant you two wishes of how to change something in your boyfriend, what would it be? Definitely for him to be more communicative, more open about his emotions and receptive of mine.

Okay, what else? To show me that he cares about the little things I care about because I care about the things he cares about. Give me an example, like what do you care about that he doesn't? It's really important for me that he would learn Spanish and communicate with my family and he never did. He would do a lingo sometimes family and he never did. He would do a lingo sometimes but he never really put the effort to do it.

Okay. Anything else? That's kind of a big one. It's hard to learn a language. Yeah. But I feel like showing that he wanted to try a little bit. He's had three years. That's a good point. No, I know. Even if he didn't speak it well enough but but he was willing to try. And I would see the effort. I would appreciate that, but he never did. Do you want to be in a relationship with him? I think so. Not very convincing. It's just right now I feel really tired. Like you said, I feel like I've been the emotional punching bag for a while. I've been the emotional punching bag for a while. I mean, what are you gonna do about it? I mean, you know, we're kind of going back and forth

and like I'm asking these questions, you're kind of giving me some answers. And honestly, I feel like I haven't been very helpful. Well, I've suggested, I started going to therapy on Monday myself. Like literally on Monday, like this week? Yeah. Oh, okay. Thank you.

But he said he was going to and now he hasn't. And he said, like, oh, I reached out to this one guy, but he's he's not available. And that was it. And I also suggested couples therapy. And he said, oh, that's a bandaid for like a way bigger issues. I don't think that's going to help right now because I have so much else to do and work on. That's you need to point out. You're literally telling me like working on our relationship is not a priority for you. Couples therapy is not a bandaid.

It's a way to better communicate with each other, especially when some people have a hard time communicating on their own, which clearly your boyfriend does. There's no band-aid. I mean, it's whatever you want it to be. It's a way to help us better understand each other. And using a professional who's trained to do that to people in a relationship who are having a hard time connecting, better connect. And when you say to me you have better

or more important pressing issues, it tells me that working on our connection isn't a priority for you. And I need to know that you care about this relationship. Your boyfriend is the first boyfriend who's been resistant to couples therapy you know I think you can offer on some grace and you just started therapy on your own so I think you can give a little time to maybe come around and and kind of you know the fact you just got

into it you know lead by example rather than being like well I got it and do it you should start now you know especially if he's resistant maybe in a while you'll see he'll see how it's impacting you well hopefully I got it and do it, you should start now, you know, especially if he's resistant, maybe in a while, you'll see, he'll see how it's impacting you, hopefully for the better. And then, then, you know, you can keep asking him, but the whole, the couples therapy comment is a, is a terrible response by him. You know, and maybe you, you know, maybe we can give him some grace because he just has a false perception of what couples therapy is, but he should never say that he has more pressing issues

than to, you know, when you're presenting a way to work on your relationship. You know, like whether it's couples therapy or like asking him if he has time to do whatever, he can't say to, well, he can, but he shouldn't be saying to you, I don't have time for that, because he's saying I don't have time for you or us.

And that, I guess that's kind of my overwhelming point is you got to figure out does this guy actually have time to be your boyfriend you know I'm sure you've heard me say in this show like this guy likes having a girlfriend but he doesn't have any interest in being your boyfriend this is a little different you know because it but but, but not really. You know, this isn't about him, like just being some immature fuck boy or wanting to play video games. But at the end of the day, he has to, if he wants to have a girlfriend, if he

wants to be in a relationship, he's got to step up as a partner and have conversations with you about the two of you. partner and have conversations with you about the two of you. He's got to be interested in understanding how he can make you feel supported, safe, understood. You have to do the same to him. And everyone who wants to be in a relationship has to do that if they want that relationship to be successful. And anyone who says they wanna have a partner, but says they don't have time to hear the other person out, or they're not willing to sit down and talk things through, even if they've tried before,

like relationships take work. They constantly take work. They will always take work. Yes, you want to be in a relationship where it's not like, oh my God, every day is a fucking challenge with you, but you have to put in the effort. You just do.

And if he wants to be in a relationship with you, even if he's still figuring his shit out as a man, he's gonna have to like step up and put in the time. And he can't always use his own misfortune and his own unhappiness as an excuse as why he can't be the best possible boyfriend. Because if that is the case, he's basically telling you, I don't have the capacity to be the type of boyfriend

that you want. And if that's the case, as said as it might be, then you shouldn't be in this relationship. I guess that's kind of my point. You guys have to kind of shitter get off the pot. You can't keep having the same conversation over and over. You can't keep making excuses for his behavior. He can't keep coming up with reasons why he can't try.

And if you guys are arguing over the same thing, a decision needs to be made. He wants to put an effort to work on you guys or he doesn't. But the fact that he said that he wants to. I don't give a shit about what he says. I care about what he does. Exactly, how long do you give someone? Well, you've already given him three years. I wouldn't give a shit about what he says. I care about what he does. Exactly, how long do you give someone? Well, you've already given him three years.

I wouldn't give him much more time. How much time, you're right, how much time do you give someone to want to try? And if your boyfriend tells you he's not interested in trying, I don't think you give him any time. Well, he said he wants to try, just not in therapy. What does that mean? Again, back to the questions you should be asking him.

What does that mean? Okay, I'm open. All I know is like couples therapy, but do you have any ideas? How can we better understand each other? How can we, what can we do to make, have to build our connections? What can I do to make you feel loved and safe and secure? And how can I communicate with you how to make you feel loved and safe and secure, and how can I communicate with you how to make me feel those same too?

Like, I think going to someone who specializes in those things would be a great option, but if you have other ideas, I'm all ears. He can't just say, I'm willing to try, but I'm not willing to do that. If that's all he's doing, he's not helping. He is just making excuses. You're right. Yeah, that's all he's doing, he's not helping. He is just making excuses. You're right.

Yeah, that's a good point. I've never really asked follow-up questions. Yeah, I think with him, getting good at asking him some of these questions because it sounds like he's very good at debating and arguing with you and being right and Googling shit and good for him. So ask him questions.

All right, fine, you're right. You don't wanna do couple story, what do you wanna do, man? But we need to do something because what I'm tired of is feeling like we're on two separate pages. And that's the thing, it's like, how does it feel as a partner for him to constantly for your entire relationship be talking to you

about how unhappy he is, you know, with his, like, you know, it's not your job to make him happy, but like, it's like he's got to give you something to work with. And the success of your relationship can't be based off of your ability to make excuses for why he's not happy or why he's not meeting your emotional needs. It doesn't sound like you're asking for perfect, but he's gotta give you something to work with. Yeah, this was helpful,

even though you didn't think it was, it is. All right, he's gotta wanna participate in this relationship. He has to want to be your boyfriend, and he's gotta show that through his actions. And you have the right to say, this isn't working for me, but clearly you wanna make it work with this guy. If you could make it work, you would, but you can only do so much.

You can only do 100% of your half. You cannot be happy for the both of you. You can't go to couples therapy on your own. You can't make him be a more empathetic partner. He has to want to do that. You're right. And then listen I hope it works out but you have my permission to break up with them you know at the beginning of this call I was telling my friend how you never say that so I was

like I don't think you'll say it I tell people to break up with people all the time sometimes but I feel like even if it's like only when like it's drastic measures, so. Well, doing the same thing over and over for three and a half years and not having anything really change is kind of drastic, you know. This whole conversation started by you saying, listen, I've been dating this guy for basically three years. We've had some drastic life, you know,

we've moved across the world. There's been a lot of changes, but at the end of the day, he's kind of always been the same. And I interpreted some of his behavior early in our relationship to be a product of a situation. But we've been in multiple situations, but the one constant has been him and his attitude, his demeanor, how he approaches life, how he interacts, you know, how he makes friends, how he doesn't make friends, how he interacts with me. And so, listen, after three years, maybe again,

this is just who he is. And if it's not, then he needs to start showing you pretty quickly that he is willing to do something differently. Because to me, that is kind of drastic. You being in a three-year relationship and kind of spending three years figuring out how to make excuses for him. And I'm not saying he's a loser or a

piece of shit or anything like that and clearly he's done some nice things, but you're not looking for a financial support system. You know, you're not looking for someone who just is like there and is your boyfriend. You know, you're, you're, you're wanting a more fulfilling relationship. And you have the right to ask for that. And he can't keep saying, I promised to work on this without actually offering any real solutions to what he's actually going to work on. And then the few solutions you suggest, he tells you he doesn't have time for. Pose the question, how can I, like what would you, what do you wanna do? Ask him, what do you want, what do you,

what's he wanna do? Why I wanna stay together, why? Why do you wanna be with me? And how do you wanna work on us? Because can't we agree that we're not in our best place? We're arguing a lot, we're fighting a lot, so how can we change this? I would start there. But he can't keep blowing you off, and it's not your responsibility to fix this relationship

on your own while he's busy figuring himself out. Because that's kind of the theme of the relationship. You're worried about your life, you had to make friends, find a new job, and figure out ways to save the relationship, and he's too busy just trying to be happy. Oh my God, that's so true. So, and I had to learn a long time ago that you can only do 100% of your half. And I used to be someone in relationships

who would try to do 100% of mine and 80% of theirs. And that's not possible. And so you need to get good at setting the boundary with yourself of what is that 100% of that half and what are you willing to do? And where do you need to get good at setting the boundary with yourself of what is that 100% of that half and what are you willing to do and where do you have to say, no, that's not my responsibility, that's his. I can't do that for him.

I can't want it for him. I can't make him do it. And I can't make excuses for why he's not doing it. And if he says, well, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me and yada, yada, yada, be like, great. But like, yeah, you know. But I still need you to want to be a boyfriend.

And this is what I need as a boyfriend. And are you willing to do that? And again, I'm all ears for how I can be a better girlfriend. Yeah, that's very true. I will take your advice, for sure. All right, okay. I think we finally were helpful. We got there eventually. We got there.

No, I think so. You're not going to be able to think yourself out of this. I feel like you're always trying to talk with yourself or talk with your girlfriends or talk, you're like, how do I figure this out? You might just have to make a decision and it might be a hard one. The ball's in his court you know and that's what you have to realize you're giving him a lot of chances you're giving him every opportunity you're still willing to give him an opportunity but he has to take advantage of the opportunity you're

giving him. Yeah. Alright okay we'll keep us posted. I will for sure. Probably not whole like year of waiting, but yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. Like the, you, one way or another, you should in a month, either you should not be with this guy or you should feel like there's been some real change in the relationship. Again, he's got to give you, ask yourself in three weeks, has he given me anything to work with or am I still frustrated over the same things? Are we still fighting over the same things? Are we having the same arguments?

Ask yourself, how many how many solutions have you presented? And how many has he turned down? And if at the end of the day, nothing has really changed, then, you know, how many more weeks are you going to how many? How long are you going to keep doing the same thing? And what do they say about the definition of crazy? I don't know, what do they say? Doing the same thing over and over,

expecting a different result. So, all right? So check in with yourself in a couple weeks or a month, well, check in with yourself in a month and ask yourself, what's changed? Yeah. Okay? Okay, yeah. All right,. Okay. Okay. Yep.

All right. Good luck. Thank you so much. And congrats on the baby. Thank you. We appreciate it. Thanks for listening. Hope you enjoyed this update. If you did just remember there are many more behind VyLFiles.

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