The Viall Files - E750 Ask Nick - They’re Brainwashing Me

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off by talking about public affection and the frisky couple in Battery Park. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller is wondering if her in-laws are brainwashing her to have a baby. She and her husband are on the same page, not to have a baby right now… how should she confront them with love? Our second call is a mediation call! Our couple is wanting to elope but doesn't know how to tell the soon-to-be husband’s mom. They still want to host a celebration, but they're afraid his mom’s traditionalism will make her angry. Our final caller calls in because his mom is guilt-tripping him with his childhood disease. He is all healthy, grown up, and in a relationship now… but setting boundaries with his mom has been tough because he appreciates her for the past she keeps bringing up.  “If we think we can influence somebody, the more we’ll try.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids in the check-out aisle—grab your tin today. Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL to get 10% your first month.  FirstLeaf - Head over to https://www.TryFirstLeaf.com/VIALL to sign up and save 50% on your first SIX hand-curated bottles plus free shipping. Bubly - Try Bubly Burst Today! Caraway - If you visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. StoryWorth -  Right now, save $10 on your first purchase when you go to https://www.StoryWorth.com/VIALL  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @alison.vandam @dereklanerussell

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Monday, whatever day you're listening to this episode, we certainly appreciate you tuning in. What are we getting into before we get to our calls? Did you see that video that was going viral of people having sex in the middle of a park in New York City? I heard about it, haven't seen it. I'm excited to see it.

Would you like to? Maybe? Is this safe for work? You don't see anything. Some people are arguing that maybe. You guys are showing me, not the other. I think it would be appropriate. True. You know. True.

Brazen Couple has sex romp in packed New York City Park. In full view. They're underneath a blanket. Well, how do we know they're having sex? Oh, you're gonna know. Oh, you know. You'll know.

Couldn't they just be making the motions? Couldn't it have been like an interpretive dance? Why would you make the motions? Okay, here we go. I mean, people are fucking weird. Wait, speaking of interpretive dance, I was in Culver City last night, and people started dancing, and I was with,

like my friend and I was like, oh, they're figurative dancing. Figurative dancing? Figurative, and I was like, isn't that what it's called? No, interpretive. He's like, did you make it up in your head? Like, no. yeah, interpretive. Yeah, it could have been an interpretive dance

in a sleep site. There are kids there. They could be wrestling. Apparently this went on for a really long time. Gross footage of a couple appearing to get frisky under a blanket racking up 51 million views in three days. Has the couple been identified?

So the crazy part about this is one video was posted, people thought it was fake, then like 50 more videos of the same instance from different angles were posted. So then everybody's feed was like, why am I getting like surround video of this happening? And from other angles, it's clear that like, there is emotion of thrusting out of that video. Again, could have been an interpretive dance.

Could be art. Do we think they were just trying to prank people? Could be a prank. I'm just like, what did they do when they were done? Could have been like two teenagers fucking around. Yeah, did anyone see them get out? Do we even know it was adults? Oh, I hope so.

I would hope. I mean, the last time I did anything in public, I was much younger than I am today. Care to explain? Well, you can't, you know, when you're a young person who is old enough to have desires, but not old enough to have your own privacy or accommodations, you have to be creative.

That's what the car is for though. Not the park in a blanket. Yeah, but the car is also in a public spot technically. I lost my virginity in a park. In a car? Oh, in a park. It was at night and there was no one around. Were you like on the grass, on a park bench?

I went and asked, I don't know if I can ask this question. Oh, I just went in. So I'm just saying, it could have been a bunch of, it could have been like two like teenagers who like... I'm just like, go to the bush. Like, did you have to do it out in the open? But when you lost your virginity in a park, it wasn't in the middle of the day

with children running around. No, it was at night, yeah, for sure, yeah, for sure. In Battery Park. But no one saw anything. They did, they saw something. I think that it's easy to infer what was going on there. Yeah. I mean, it brought up a conversation,

at least in the office, about PDA, public display of affection, and how far is too far. Obviously, in my book, this is too far, but. I don't know if this is PDA. I have a video of the people that were, a picture of the people that were doing it before they did it. I don't think we should dox them, but they a video of the people that were, a picture of the people that were doing it before they did it. I don't think we should dox them,

but they're looking kind of young. We figured out who they are? Yeah, so, they have been identified. So we don't know their clear identity, but there's photos of them before they put the blanket over. Oh, can I see? I'll share it, but.

Share it with me. Oh my God, my brother. So they look like mid-20s. Yeah, early, yeah. Yeah, but I don't know get the bush That's my take if it's really that serious move over there. So what are your thoughts on on PDA? Um, I would not be able to live with myself Like I had anxiety from singing karaoke at my friend's birthday party for a week afterward

I was like, why the fuck did I do that? I guess if you know, I guess my general rule is if you're comfortable with it it's other people's problem. For example this particular couple you know we can all assume and guess what they were doing. My point is all we see is a basically sleeping bag moving around in all these different odd shapes. There was no nudity. You mentioned I go there's kids in the park. The kids had no idea what was going on. They probably thought it was some sort of weird inflatable fucking thing, you know? I don't think, you know, public, I'm not,

I don't support public nudity or like that, or, you know, things like that. But if you're a highly affectionate couple and you want to do it, good for you. I, me, you know, Natalie and I were big hand holders. We liked to kiss. I mean, that's fine. I think a, you know, Nellie and I were big hand holders. We like to kiss. I mean, that's fine.

I think a certain amount of PDA is required. A couple should look like they're proud to be a couple. And I think a couple should show public displays of affection, you know, that's appropriate. You know, the hard make-outs. You're like, I always find it to be like, you know, the couples that are just hard making out. I feel like they're always doing it also,

and like, I know we talked about Disneyland and amusement parks, but like, that is like where people decide to like, make out, like hardcore make out in line. Like a straddle over a chair? Yeah, it's like, no, no, like they put them on the bar, like, where they're like- They're like in line for a ride,

like groping each other. Like straddling. Like just can't, yeah. Like I would rather watch that couple roll around They're like in line for a ride, like groping each other. Like straddling. Like just can't, yeah. Like I would rather watch that couple roll around in a bag. Let's assume they actually were having sex. They were having sex. I'm 99% sure.

So I would rather watch that couple roll around in a bag having sex than be like stuck in an airport with a couple like hard making out. Yeah, or on an airplane. I just wanna know like what kind of coffee or medication they were on. Like the smacks. Because it says that their public sex session

continued until sundown. Yeah, they were going for a while. I need fresh air. That's a show. But again, it technically wasn't PDA. Well. PDA, affection. I think affection is the operative word. There's a million ways to show affection.

Like hard making out and slapping spit isn't necessarily showing affection as much as it is fulfilling a desire. I don't believe in PDD, public displays of desire. I believe in PDA. So affection is just hand holding, kissing, hugging. Hand holding, caressing, a kiss, a hug, arm around the shoulder, you know.

Yeah, I'm with you there. I mean, I'm fucking around, but obviously this couple shouldn't be having sex in public. This is PDS, public display of sex. I am saying that they weren't, like if they were like fucking on a blanket, like, oh my God, I'd be horrified. But like, no one really saw anything.

Yeah, but then I- I wonder what it sounded like. And technically they could have been fucking around. And by, I mean, like- Not really fucking around. Like, you know, like, trying to punk people. Well, I'm just like, even if you don't know what it is, I think you understand what it could be.

Like, I just think of like, when I was in Las Vegas and I was little, I remember my parents being like, don't look over there. And then of course you looked over there. And everybody was already looking. So like, before they said that, I would have looked. And I look over and. And then of course you looked over there. And everybody was already looking, so like before they said that I would have looked. And I look over and there's someone stripping on a table. But like not fully stripped yet.

But it's like I understood that her going like this was gonna lead to like naked and then money thrown. It's still not the same, it's two people, I mean I've seen that video, it's just a, it's a sleeping bag that just moves in a weird way. Which you would never know as a kid what that meant. There must have been audio. Oh, well, the audio that I saw from the four angles that I saw were just people being like,

oh my God, or like I'm pointing. Like I'm sure they were making sex noises. And like people were like, are you kidding? Well see now if they were making sex noises and be like, ah, ah, ah, then like sure. But they could easily, you could have easily not heard anything unless you went up really close and listened. Like heavy panting's not, it doesn't carry.

I actually think the audio portion of this is a very crucial element to the video because if they were laughing or like. They were whispering into each other's ears and like lightly panting, you wouldn't have heard shit through a sleeping bag. It doesn't exactly carry. But if yeah, if they were moaning and screaming and

being like, fuck man, you know, like man, you know, okay. Yeah. PDA, no PDD. Okay, well, you know, tell us in the comments. Don't have sex in public, it's a crime. We got a great show lined up for you and some great calls, but before we do, don't forget to send in your questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, I'm Megan and I'm almost 28. And I wanted to ask you,

how do I know if my in-laws are just brainwashing me or if I really want to have a baby? Okay. What does God tell you? Well, just a little context. Like, obviously I've always wanted to be a mom. Okay, there you go. I know for sure like a family is in the works, in the plans. My husband and I have been married

for like a year and a half now. We definitely took our time with things. So we're not- How long have you been together? People who really, we've been together for almost six years. So it's been a while. Yeah.

But his family, like we just moved. And so now we are right by all of his extended family, all of the in-laws, just down the street from everybody. And there's a lot of family events. Why did you guys do that? Why did you guys do that? Just because like price of rent is way cheaper in the area that we're at. Did you like this decision? Were you happy with this decision? Were you a part of this decision? Yeah, I would say it was a joint decision together. So no mixed feelings or resentment

around being a part of the in-laws community? No, not until probably more recently. Yeah, I'm not talking about the fallout or what happened, but when you were making the decision, you felt very much a part of that decision. Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah. That's good.

Yeah. And so, but now that you've been living amongst the in-laws, they have been coming down on you with pressure about starting a family. Yeah. We do live in the South. So they have very conservative values. They very much like church is important to them. Family is important to them. Growing family is obviously a part of that.

And a lot of the cousins are all our same age. And currently three of them are pregnant. So, and they're on baby number two or number three. So we're like very far behind in that category according to them. But really recently it feels like I'm going to a baby shower like every other weekend with his family and just a lot of comments

and a lot of just consistent pressure from various members in the family. And there's kind of, I almost kind of describe it as like pity in some sense of like, you're not to this step just yet. So I've always kind of been a little bit of an outlier, but I feel like it kind of has made itself more present, especially in terms of like not having a child yet. Okay. What, what, what makes you feel like maybe they're brainwashing you? I think I just, I, I've always been a little bit of a bit of a black sheep in the family I would describe.

Like I, your own family, in their family, in my own family. We're pretty consistent. Is this self-identified or like, are you, are you deciding for yourself? You know, you mentioned they like religion and family. Then when you say they, that means you're not a religious person, I'm guessing.

Somewhat, but not to that extent. They're very, they don't curse, they don't drink. You didn't post a he has risen on Easter Sunday? Not this year, no. Oh, they don't say fuck shit balls? They don't drink? No, they don't drink. I mean, how, because people in the South who love God

do love their alcohol. Not this family, that's for sure. It's like an issue when I post the story. What about your husband? I guess that's what matters most. Where, how aligned are you two? I would say we're pretty consistent. Like he definitely respects his family's values.

So it kinda, you know, when we're with them, we don't drink, we don't swear, obviously. But then kind of like one-on-one, obviously, that's, we just don't necessarily live by those ideals. So you and your husband are aligned. How does he feel about being a dad? I mean, I think we've always been on the same page of like, it's in the cards, it's gonna happen.

It's just a matter of when. But I'm saying, how does he feel about the pressure his family is putting on, I'm assuming the both of you. Yeah, I would say a lot of the comments kind of come my way more than his, but he knows like what I described to him. I think he is just under the mindset of like, oh, this is just who they are.

They've always kind of been this way. We'll still do things on our own terms. I mean, there's a lot of truth to that. Yeah, I just, I don't necessarily, I think that they're like very set on kind of working me a little bit. Probably because they can't. In that sense. Well, I don't necessarily, I think that they're like very set on kind of working me a little bit. Probably because they can't. Well, I don't know your husband and but it sounds like he is someone despite their devoutness with their faith, he is someone who didn't necessarily decide to live his adult life by the same, you know, beliefs that they're living theirs. And yet he's been able to

maintain a relationship with his family so much so that you guys moved into their fucking neighborhood which tells me that he for all all things being said has a relatively healthy relationship with his parents despite him not deciding to live a life in accordance to how they probably hoped he would and usually or often when that happens there there usually is hurt feelings on both sides. You know, mom and dad feel disappointment and then kid feels a sense of you know resentment or anger because you know they would rather just not be around mom and dad because all they feel around mom and dad is judgment

and shame and things like that. So that can sometimes create a lot of distance in those types of relationships. And yet with your husband, that's not the case. I grew up very obviously religious. Like I think my family is a little bit different than what you're describing. But we grew up pretty devout and pretty Catholic.

Even my parents have evolved as people in their beliefs and they're still so practiced, but a lot of my siblings don't, you know. I don't go to church on a weekly basis. I've mixed feelings about religion, specifically religion, not so much faith, but that being said, it has not affected our family, you know, and then my parents,

part of my product of having so many goddamn kids, they're just like, I don't know, I can't sit there and be upset about every decision our kids are making. All we can do is just be happy that they're happy, you know? So the good news for you, I guess, is just that, is that, you know, the relationship your husband has with his family is a really great sign that despite whatever they think or feel and despite what they

might be suggesting or the pressure you may feel from them that they're okay with you disagreeing and that they're okay with ultimately you guys living your life because they seem to be okay with their son living his life the way he's been living it and he doesn't seem to be all that bothered by them and affected by them and affected by them. And the reason why you're probably feeling more heat than he's getting is they know he doesn't listen. And they're hoping you do.

And they're probably playing on your maternal instincts and just like, you know, mom energy and that you're probably at this age of your life that despite the pressure you might be feeling from them maybe you're just kind of like, I don't know, kind of want to be a mom, you know? Like, what do they call it? You're, I don't know, you see a baby and you're just like, oh my God, you know, I don't know,

maybe your ovaries are bursting from time, I don't fucking know. But you know what I'm saying? So they're probably leaning on that. And they're just like, you know, he's going to do him. We can't, we clearly, he clearly isn't going to listen to us. He hasn't listened to us his whole life. He swears, he drinks, he does his thing.

He married a non-Christian. I don't know what they say, but I think the fact that you have a relatively peaceful and healthy relationship with all these people, you chose to move closer to them, not away from them, means that tells me that things could be a lot worse off than they are. So are they brainwashing you?

Probably not, you know? But it's probably good that you're asking this question because whenever you guys decide to be parents, I don't want you to think that you're only doing it to appease in-laws. Exactly. So you just have to have the confidence that like at the end of the day,

these people are gonna, they're gonna accept us because they have accepted you and they're gonna continue to accept us regardless of how we live our life. So I'm just gonna, I'm gonna be a mom whenever I get around to it. Yeah, I think there's like a lot of, I guess, not so much openness.

Like they know that we'll kind of do our own thing, but they maybe don't know every single thing that we're up to. That's fine, and that's kind of out of respect, you know? It's like, you don't have to like, I'm just throwing it out there, but let's say secretly, you and your husband occasionally are swingers. I'm guessing you wouldn't tell them. You know what I'm saying? Like, mom and dad don't need

to know that. Even if they weren't that religious, there's some things you just decide as adults not to share with mom and dad. You know, there's a variety of reasons why, you know, and because his mom and dad are devout Christians and they have some very hardcore beliefs or just, you know, devout beliefs that like, oh, even out of respect, you just, you don't need to like let them know every little thing they're doing. And since you're not kids anymore, you don't need their permission. So it's like a don't ask, don't tell situation, you know? Yeah. I guess then to follow up, how, because I want to be respectful and I obviously like value them how can I ask them to like chill out with the comments who's in a polite way who's

them it's mainly his grandparents specifically I'm gonna be dead soon who cares well in that matter of fact his grandpa has said on multiple occasion it's just comments like he can't feel at peace moving on until he knows the family name is being passed down, type of comments that are really heavy. Is he the only son? Your husband? Yeah, so we're the only ones with like,

the quote unquote family name to pass down. He's an old man, just let him say whatever the fuck he wants. Okay. That's my two cents. I might be easier said than done. But yeah, if it's grandpa saying this, who gives? I mean, he's an old Christian man.

I mean, what are you gonna do, love him with the guy? You can say, hey Pops, I promise you, we're gonna do our best to make it happen. But as you know It's in the Lord's hands and he'll decide for himself whether he wants to give us a boy or a girl Have they think you know, that's what you say to him have faith in God That's a response. Actually, that's a perfect response Just know have faith that God will answer your prayers and let and let the rest and leave it in his hands. Yeah. That's what you should say. Okay. What could he possibly say to that? Oh, I don't know.

They're just really big on timing. That's kind of what the pressure has always been about. Well, you once again, then remind them, you must know that things happen on the Lord's timeline, not ours. Okay. Kind of flip it. 100%. Speak their language. Yeah. I love my religious folks, I do. But every once in a while, you know who you are. You guys have a tendency of weaponizing your religion

to get what you want and start using the Lord to guilt and shame people into what they want. So do it right back to them. Yeah. I think I just need to kind of clap back a little bit in that sense. Don't even clap back. Just be like, well, you must know that this will all happen when God wants it. And I know, you know, this will happen on God's timeline. All we can do is hope and pray. And just know that I firmly believe that this will happen when God's ready for it to happen and that's all you can say. Yeah. Just say that. That's

the answer to every, no matter what they say. Just well again, put your trust in God. Yeah. Well in terms of, I mean they're already just shoveling parenting advice even though there's not even a baby in the picture. But again, who's them? Is it just grandpa or is it his mom and dad sometimes? It's occasionally mom and dad. It's also occasionally some cousins and such. I work a really demanding job, which is like very not traditional

for I guess the woman of the family. So we know like in the future, this is a job that I'm passionate about. This is a job that I wanna invest my time This is a job that I want to invest my time into. And I kind of already get comments as well of like what I should be prioritizing when that time comes. So I think there's just layers to it that are hard to defend myself in some sense because they're so rooted in tradition.

All that matters is that you and your husband are aligned. It really is all that matters. And the rest you just have to get at dealing if you have to be good at dealing with. Yeah. I mean, I'm honestly this is a true statement. I am unaware of what my family thinks about my life and what I'm doing. Now I have gotten so good at making it very clear that I don't go fuck and so they they don't tell me because they know I won't listen. Yeah. You know it's a little different because it's like my siblings and things like that I know you're dealing in-laws but like the more what they say doesn't bother you the less there'll be like listen if we think that we can influence someone the more we will try you know if you think they're

gonna listen the more we will try and the more like you just kind of politely ignore them and not like give in to that you know and not listen not feel like it's bothering you honestly that's the best approach. If it ever gets to the point just you know you say to mom and dad you know just like listen I get you know just know that having a family and that's what you kind of say to mom and dad. I just I hope you guys know that we do want a family someday and's what you kind of say to mom and dad. I just I hope you guys know that we do want a family someday and I think it's safe to say you can laugh while saying it is that it's probably not going to be in the time in

which you guys want or in the manner in which you guys want it but just know that it will happen and I do and also as I always say and I recall these days like lead with love and empathy. And you just say, listen, I also just wanna say, I know that sometimes that me and your son, we don't always make the same choices that you guys make for yourselves, but I do wanna say thank you for allowing us

to feel welcomed and not judged for our decisions. Because at the end of the day, you raised a great son. And the reason why I love him and I married him is because you raised a great son. And the reason why I love him and I married him is because you raised a great person and someone with great character and someone who's an amazing man and treats me with respect. And I have for you to thank for that.

And while we don't make every decision in accordance with your beliefs that a big part of our relationship and who he is, like, we do value how he was raised. I very much value my childhood. I very much value the faith I was raised in. I may not be practicing. But like, and so I think you can show appreciation for

that so that you're not eviscerial to them. Then when it comes to the family stuff, you just say, listen, it's going to happen. Just know that. But I think it's safe to say that it're not ever serial to them. And then when it comes to the family stuff, you just say, listen, it's gonna happen. Just know that. But I think it's safe to say that it's not always gonna happen the way you want. And respectfully, I'm just letting you know that because it's not that I don't value you guys' opinions,

it's just that we're gonna ultimately do it our way. And then you just kinda say that, and you do it very calmly and very matter of fact, all while showing them appreciation. And the more confident and calm you are when you say that, the do it very calmly and very matter of fact, all while showing them appreciation. And the more confident and calm you are when you say that, the more they will believe you. And the more they believe you, the less likely they are to try to change your mind.

I think it's safe to say, obviously, if it's not really bothering my husband as much, it's something that I'm maybe just internalizing. Sure, well, again, it's his family, he's used to them. He knows, like I said, I don't give a fuck. It's easy for me, I know my family. I don't need to seek their approval. I'm not worried about my own family not liking me.

I mean, I don't even know if they like me, but I know they love me, you know? I know they have to, I know they can't get rid of me, so to speak, and so yeah, there's maybe like an insecurity deep down of wanting to feel accepted and you know, and your husband's just not worried. Yeah. You know?

I think that, yeah, I think that could definitely be a common theme. But follow his lead. If he's not worried, you don't need to be worried and make sure that you two are aligned and that's all that really matters. As long as he has your back and like, you know, they're gonna make their comments.

Just don't let it bother you. Just know that that's, it's like, it's, I don't know. It's what they, that's their priority. That's what's important to them. They don't give a shit about your job and they don't appreciate it and they can't possibly understand it. So it's almost like you kind of, not pity them,

but it's just like, of course I don't get them. They don't get me. I mean, that's fine. Yeah. I think it's kind of always been that way. And I think it's just a different topic that feels heavier to me. So suddenly I kind of, it feels heavier too.

And what you don't wanna do is like not have a kid because you wanna spite them. I know, and that's what I guess I have a worry of. I'm very, I always have that attitude of like, I don't wanna do it because someone's telling me to do so. And so that's why I'm just being honest. Yeah, I think it's more of that than you're being brainwashed. I think it's more, you're of like, I don't want to do it because someone's telling me to do so. And so that's what I'm just doing. Yeah, I think it's more of that than you're being brainwashed. I think it's more, you're just like, fuck these people, we're gonna have kids.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's more of that. Honestly, just kind of chill out with it. I think it's fine. I think everything's going to be fine. And this would mean more than anything, you guys moving closer to them is all I really need to know about this relationship, which is it's gonna be fine. That if your husband who you feel in sync with had really that many concerns about his family accepting you or being okay with

your guys' choices, he wouldn't have moved closer to them at all. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah. For sure. That's helpful? Yeah, yeah. I mean it's a lot to think through. I'm just trying to think of, you know, it feels very circumstantial and just that now, like you're saying, being closer, we're spending way more time together. It does kind of make me think of, I'm just inserting myself into this so much more.

I think a lot of it derives from- I mean, you're going to all of these baby showers. It's probably annoying for you. You're like, oh, these fucking people. It's like, Jesus Christ, you know? So much money. Yeah, don't let it ruin your own enthusiasm for like having kids, you know?

You don't have to do what they're doing. You're just there to support them. That's all you're there for. And being an adult is all about doing a lot of things we don't wanna do, especially being a parent. They're just helping, they're just preparing you for parenthood, you know? Because eventually you're gonna have a kid that is going to do things that you're like,

why are you doing this? No, it's good practice. It'll make you more empathetic. Yeah, I think the big takeaway here is I think you have less reason to stress about the situation than you are. And don't let them get under your skin get good at ignoring, you know smile be polite Let them you know, just know they're gonna say their stuff when it comes to grandpa Whatever. I mean honestly and I do I mean it when I say if you're gonna say anything just use their language It'll happen. You know, it's when God wants it. It'll happen. Like oh my god. She said the word God. How lovely I Know it probably actually gave me some points actually. That's what I'm saying. They don't need to know, are you like, I mean how much do they need to know you guys are having sex

or trying? Like they don't need to know, you know, just say, you know, it's something that we definitely want and when God's ready for it to happen, it'll happen. Yeah, yeah. And I think that it'll, I think it'll help. Yeah, I think, yeah, it's good to get out of my own head about it. So, okay, yeah, try to get out of your own head. I think they're just. Yeah, I think, yeah, it's good to get out of my own head about it, so. Okay, yeah, try to get out of your own head. I think they're just annoying you is my guess and it's pissing you off and you feel like you can't say anything because it's his family

and you want to be respectful, but let it annoy you less and it could be so much worse. That is true. So much worse. I do hope. They are good people, so let's be grateful for them. And for people who are pretty devout in their beliefs, for them to only be this annoying, is because it could be a whole thing.

Yeah, it's definitely been a process. I think I'll just brush it off some more. I'll shake it off, not take it so much to heart. They mean well. They're just annoying about it. Yeah, yeah. All right. Cool. All right, well take care, please keep us posted how things progress.

Yeah, absolutely, thank you so much. We'd love to know if this was helpful down the line. Yeah, yeah, got more baby showers coming up. Great, love, enjoy. Well, thank you so much, appreciate you guys. All right, take care. This show is brought so much. All right. Take you guys. All right, take care. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp.

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firstleaf.com tr y f i r s t l e a f dot com slash vi all to save 50% off your first six bottles plus free shipping try firstly comm slash vi all try firstly comm slash vi all how's it going I I'm Nicole and I'm 33. Hi, I'm James and I'm 40. And we need help figuring out how to tell my fiance James' mom that we are eloping. Okay. The fact that you guys are eloping, is that a, I'm assuming a mutual decision. Very much so, yes.

Okay, well that's step one. So what are you guys not on the same page about? Or is it just like, James, you're just afraid you're gonna hurt mom's feelings? Like, are you guys, do you guys have different ideas and how to approach mom? So, you know, Nicole and I are on the same page. We definitely wanna get married and elope.

It's just telling my mom it's going to be quite difficult because she's, we're afraid that she's going to like guilt trip us and want to be there. And we really just don't want to have that, that stress leading up to our very important day. So you don't want anyone there? When you guys say hello, you're just... Okay.

I literally got a message from a sibling. I was like, Hey, we got married. Okay. Yeah. So we have been transparent with my family and friends. They have been really supportive of it. They've also known for a long time that we were not planning to have a traditional wedding and we just want to

have that day be just the two of us. And you know, we love to celebrate and throw a party. But then when we do that, we're really more concerned with everybody else and we want our day to be just the two of us. We can throw a party anytime later, you know. Are you actually afraid of mom changing your minds? No. No. I mean, we're set on this. We've paid deposits. We've got everything booked. It's just... Okay. So like what's worst case scenario?

I would say worst case scenario is she's just going to just kind of almost, I don't want to say stop talking to me just because I'm the baby. She talks to me like once a week. She's not going to stop talking to you. She's not going to stop talking to you. Yeah. You're a 40 year old man who talks to your mom once a week. She's not stopping.

She might guilt trip you. Yeah, she's going to guilt trip. She might miss a phone call. She might give the illusion that she can't talk to you because she's so hurt by your choice. She definitely might try to punish you because that's what parents try to do. That's what she's used to doing.

She's going to feel like you're punishing her. So she's gonna try to punish you, but she ain't gonna cut you off. You know? She needs you more than you need her at this point. That's no secret. So worst case scenario is, you know, he's got to deal with mom throwing a little, you know, a little guilt party. I would say just because in the interactions, you know, as I've been an adult, when something's

bothering my mom, she doesn't communicate that. So she'll just get a little bug up her butt. Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive, you know, ignore you. Oh, nothing. But she just doesn't communicate. So I think that's kind of what Nicole and I are trying to look for is how can we break this to her?

And kind of going back to the worst case scenario is she's not gonna communicate how she's feeling. She's going to get super passive aggressive and we just want to be able to share this really exciting news. And she knows. Is there any concern that she's going to blame Nicole? That's my fear.

So like my relationship with her I think is pretty solid. I feel like she likes me. James assures me that she likes me. She has taken more interest in me than she has in past girlfriends that James has had. So I feel like our relationship is in a good place. Um, so I don't want anything to change that. What is the, what are the chances, James, that when you tell mom, um, and I, I don't really have like, I, this is exactly what you need to do. You know, I've never, I don't know your mom. And so I can only suggest ideas, but there's a world where maybe it might make sense for only James to tell his mom

and not the two of you together. Especially if you're afraid, Nicole, that it's just easier for her to blame Nicole because my son would never do this to me. So James, you take your mom out to lunch. Does his mom live local? No. No, we're in Florida and she's in Michigan.

Yeah. Oh my goodness. You're not gonna see her. When's the wedding day? July 3rd. You have no plans of going home before then? No. So our plan is to, we have family.

My dad's side of the family is in Pennsylvania his parents and family are all in Michigan and then we live in Florida so we also have my mom's side of the family and my sister's here and a bunch of friends here too so our plan is that in the late summer and fall we're going to visit Pennsylvania have like a big backyard party at my dad's visit Michigan have a celebration at his mom and stepdad's place. So we're still celebrating with them and then have a little celebration in Florida too. There's not a world where you just don't tell mom, is there? And like have her think that the celebration is the wedding? I don't know. We're actually really bad at being deceitful,

which is why we've told everyone except his mom so far. All right. All right. No, I love that. I'm just like, I don't recommend that, but I just, you know, it's like, it was just a curious. Yeah.

I can't help but wonder if, James, you reach out to mom and you tell her and you kind of like, you fall on the sword so to speak and you make it seem like this is actually something that you want that Nicole's being supportive of. Yeah. I like that. You're like mom I have some news I don't know if you're gonna like it but it is happening it's something that I've always wanted to do and Nicole is supportive of it but this is something I want to do. I don't expect you to understand but this is really important to me. You don't say us, you say me. We will be having a wonderful celebration that we can't wait for you to be a part of that as far as you're concerned

will feel very much like a wedding but as far as the actual ceremony it's just going to be much like a wedding, but as far as the actual ceremony, it's just going to be Nicole and I. And I am very sorry if that hurts your feelings. I certainly don't want it to, it's not our intention, but this is our day and my day, and it's something I wanna do. And I understand if you don't understand, and I understand, but like, you know,

I did wanna tell you, and I love you, and I am sorry if this is upset, and I understand, but like, you know, I did want to tell you and I love you and I am sorry if this is upset, it will be upsetting to you, but that's the news. Yeah. That's it, that's it. You know, and then you, you know, you can anticipate what your mom is going to do, but you decided like, do you have any questions?

How do you feel? You know, you can tell me if you're upset, that's okay. I'd like for, you know, sometimes like, you know, if your mom is always like that, she's always gonna be like that. But I don't know, have you ever said to your mom, hey mom, it's okay if you tell me things, even if it's, if you think you might upset me.

Yeah, yeah, I've said that to her. But like for the most part, she's pretty closed, closed off and just kind of keeps everything bottled up, which is when I, uh, when Nicole and I got together, um, like it was kind of a little bit of a transition cause that's kind of all always the way I was is I didn't really talk about my feelings. I didn't, you know, I just kind of, you know, swept it under the rug, bottled it in and, you know, so her and I are quite similar where we just don't really talk about how we're feeling and we just kind of, you know, put our big girl boots on and, you know, move on. So. Well, if you, if you, I don't know if you want to change that. If you do, the easiest way to change

that is to start talking to your mom about your fears Yeah, definitely if you don't want her, you know, but if you don't care then I Think your mom is gonna be I think I mean we've ran scenarios. We're like, alright, what's worst-case scenario? What's kind of like medium case scenario best case? You know Worst-case scenario my guess is that she throws a big temper tantrum and she gives the illusion that she is so hurt that she can't speak to you anymore. Uh, and she blames Nicole and somehow decides that she's this evil person who's stealing her son away from you.

Which that's not so much this case, uh, this case scenario, but scenario, but in the past when I had girlfriends, I wasn't spending time with her and she really got really butthurt about that I wasn't there all the time and that my attention was being shared. You have siblings, yeah? I have an older brother and No it my my sister-in-law like it's kind of funny because When you kind of get a couple drinks in my in my parents

they start getting a little little loose with it and You kind of find out the real feelings and how they really feel about my sister-in-law and they're like we do not like her And really the only reason they put up with it is because of your brother. So I don't want my mom to have those deep seated feelings towards Nicole. Fair enough. What do you think about your sister-in-law? I don't really care for her. Okay. So maybe she sucks. I mean, she does.

She does suck. She does. Okay. So. It's made my brother kind of into a completely different person. He's just like this little puppy dog that is just. Well, I only hear good news. One is that you actually guys agree with your mom and dad

is that she does kind of sucks and two despite her sucking they still support your brother. So worst case scenario is you know they're still going to support you and it sounds like Nicole doesn't suck. I think the big thing is making your parents believe this is your idea. Okay. And so they don't give them a reason to blame her or go down some rabbit hole and I think the big thing is making your parents believe this is your idea. Yeah, okay. And so they don't give them a reason to blame her or go down some rabbit hole and they can be mad at you and be like, listen, I don't expect you to understand it,

but I just, I want this day to be about us and our union. I want, I don't, I'm, you know, I'm not old fashioned. Like I don't want to have a big wedding and be distracted. I really, I really love her. And I really want this to be about that day and we are going to celebrate with you just like any other wedding. We're just gonna be a little non-traditional with it

and we're gonna do it in two separate days. Some people when they have a destination wedding in Mexico have to get married in a courthouse and they do that all the time and no one fucking knows about it because no one treats about it and talks about it because everyone thinks they're at a wedding but no one knows that they're actually already married this is literally the same thing yeah yeah you're just not going to have a fake

ceremony you're just going to have the party so you know and again you don't even need to explain that to your mom and dad you know but if they want to you can and i again, you don't even need to explain that to your mom and dad, you know? But if they want to, you can. And I honestly think you call them up, you tell them this is what you want, this is what you're going to do. You're, oh, you're, hey, I know this is probably upsetting, but like, do you want to talk about it? You know, you can, you're welcome to be mad.

I'll hear you out. You know, like giving your, giving people permission to just be mad and be like, alright, you know I know you're mad just lay it on me Tell me what you think if they don't take you up in an opportunity fine But you've given them the opportunity to like, you know, no, I want to hear it I know you haven't I know that you feel strongly about this. So please Speak your piece. I'm just not gonna change my mind But you are my parents and and and not your feelings do matter to me.

Just saying little things like that will go a long way. Trying to lead with love. Yeah. They're not going to love it at first, especially your mom. Again, she'll throw a little tantrum, but I think she's going to be fine. Yeah. So the kind of the little ace in the hole. You have a sister-in-law she already hates. That's true.

Yeah, she hates both of us and she's the problem, right? The ace in the hole is, yeah, my stepdad is absolutely awesome and he can try to be that little like kind of voice of reason and be like, this is like, this is a James and Nicole's decision. Like you cannot be mad. They're being practical. They're saving money. We're saving a lot of money. Yeah. So, you know, like, and yeah, honestly, fine. We need to save the money. We want to save the

money. This is important to us, yada, yada. And I think Ma will be fine. I think so. I think there's like a, you know, 85% chance that she's gonna be upset at first and then be fine. And you know, really kind of all the stress and I mean, cause it's definitely way out of me. And then after you break the news, after you break the news, no matter how she takes it, just send her a bunch of like, I love you, just calling to say I love you reach out to her give a little

bit more of attention then maybe after a while Nicole you can reach out and be like I know you heard about from James but like this is something he really wants to do but we are very accelerated to celebrate with you when we celebrated with you and we love you and we're so great. You know, I'm so happy to be a part of your family. And, you know, just make it really hard for her to be mad by giving her love that, you know, it's just like when someone's mad at you and try to give them a hug and they're just like, oh, I'm so mad

you don't hug me right now. It's like that, you do that. Yeah. You know, don't fight fire with fire, you know? Fight it with water. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so when she spits fire your way, you just, you know,

I love you, I understand, your feelings are valid. We'll be there to celebrate, I know this upsets, it's okay that you're upset, I understand why you're upset, not gonna change your mind, but we do love you, we can't wait to celebrate with you and you just kind of keep saying that over and over, you reach out to her, you check in with her a little bit more, how's it going, I miss you, you know, distract her with an unexpected amount of attention you're gonna give her. Okay.

I think that'll go a long way. Yeah I think so. Okay great. Can't wait to hear how it goes. Yeah definitely. Me too. I mean I'm planning to do it on Thursday so two days from now. Let's text her right now I'm just kidding. great. Let us know. We'd love an update. All right, cool. Let us know how it goes and then we'll see, you know, and we'll go from there. All right, awesome. All right, guys, I appreciate it.

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. We appreciate the advice. All right, well, have a great wedding. And yeah, it's gonna be fine. I think so. I think so too.

You already got a sister-in-law. Yes, she sucks That sucks. Yeah. She sucks big time. And again, they still deal with her. They do. So they're going to deal with you. Yeah. Yeah. They moved back to be closer to my brother when they had a child.

And there was a whole lot of conflict there. So if she's at least sticking around, I guess we'll be all right. Yeah, I think so. All right. Well, good luck. Congratulations and keep us posted. Thank you. All right.

Thanks Nick. Take care guys. All right. Thank you. Bye bye. Bye. What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one. Find themselves on a team.

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That's storyworth.com slash V-I-A-L-L to save $10 off your first purchase. How's it going? My name's Steve, 27, and my mom keeps guiltying me about my childhood cancer. Okay, well, sorry you had to go through that. How are we doing now? What, all clear?

We've been in remission for 13 years now, give or take a few years. Okay, all right. How is she guilting you? What do you mean by she's guilting you? It's the constant, I've done things for you, so now that you have to do things for me. Oh, oh, okay, real guilt.

What does she want you to do for her? Anything and everything possible. If it's running to the store for her, if it's going to get stuff for her, do stuff around the house, all that stuff. Okay, is mom single, alone? Mom's been married to my dad for 26 years. So dad's in the picture, I have three other older brothers. Are you the youngest?

Yeah, I'm the baby, so I feel, I don't know, she kind of relies on me for everything, and I feel like it's just not fair. And up into this point, does her guilt work on you? Yeah, 100%. Okay. Here's the thing. You're not gonna get your mom to change.

So the change is gonna have to come from you. This is my unexpert opinion, is that old dog new tricks kind of thing. You know what I'm saying? And she is your mom and I don't know. How old were you when you had cancer? I was 10 turning 11. If you're willing to indulge us.

Emotionally, what was that like for you? It was traumatizing, man. Honestly. Okay. I mean, being 10 years old and being told you have cancer, you don't know what's next really. Being at that age, it's hard to go through. Have you done any therapy around that?

I have not done therapy around that. I've done therapy on other situations, but that's just something I've like bobbled up and I've just kept inside. Gotcha. All right, well. I just let it eat at me. Okay, well, I'm glad you can at least acknowledge that. What did you get therapy for?

Like relationships or something? No, I was going through a real tough time back in like 2018. I was taking care of my grandma for a couple years before she passed away, and then she had passed away. So things just got super tough on me and I just needed to. Okay. Hey, you, how did, how did you, how did you feel like that therapy went for you?

It helped talk about my problem to an outside source. Yeah. Yeah. What made you stop that therapy? Nothing really had to just stopped going. Okay, fair enough, yeah. Well, listen, I mean, like, first and foremost, like, you know, the fact that you can acknowledge

that that affected you and still affects you to this day, good on you for acknowledging that. I'm glad that you've done therapy for other reasons and I'm glad that it seemed to have benefit you and like, you know, I can't imagine it would hurt you just kind of talking about that experience and like how it affects your decision making to this day. And then hell, you know, I think a good therapist can help you with, you know, your think a good therapist can help you with your relationship with your mom. It's just going to be hard pressed to get your mom...

I think what's most likely going to happen is that you get better at setting boundaries and getting better at saying no to mom, and kind of fighting through that very uncomfortable feeling of knowing that mom's quote unquote disappointed in you, and that you're making her sad, and working through it, and coming out on the other side knowing that mom's still okay, and she still loves you, and it's gonna be fine, but that's something that you have a really hard time doing now.

But that, if you want to change the dynamic of your relationship with your mom, it's gonna almost certainly have to come from you, not your mom, and getting your mom to hear what you're saying and understand what you're saying. My guess is, and I'm just guessing a lot of this is more to do with you are her youngest, and it was traumatizing for her and she has a special bond.

And now that you're a grown man and healthy, you know, your mom got a sense of, clearly your mom probably felt a lot of sense of purpose through being your caretaker when you are sick and getting you through it, you know? And that there's probably a special bond she felt with you. you know, I can, I can totally appreciate where your mom is coming from and the connection she feels, you know, and why, and why she's having a hard time with you essentially like growing up and being a man, you know, being independent, you know, so

it's, uh, I think you can empathize with your mom and still be willing to disappoint your mom. Like understanding where she's coming from doesn't necessarily mean you have to comply to everything she wants or that disappointing her. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's kind of like, you know, cause your mom. It's not the end of the world.

Yeah, your mom's going to say all these things and like, I'm guessing on some level, correct me if I'm wrong. The reason it's so effective with you is because it, it partly feels true. You know, she was there for you. She literally saved your life on, on some levels. She probably did a million things for you, you know, and, and, and you needed her to do that. You know? for you, you know? And you needed her to do that, you know?

And so when she throws the guilt trip, it's kind of like, well, fuck, I guess, like who am I to say no, you know? Yeah. But you also have to remind yourself that she is the parent and you are the child in this dynamic, and that was her job. It was, you know, you don't need to say that to her,

but you can remind yourself. I'm joking. Okay. What did she say when you say that? That, well, I always go around with like, well, you didn't have to save me. I could have, you know, whatever. It could have been like my time.

And then she's always, well, don't say that, blah, blah, blah. It was like, well, you're throwing it in my face, technically, that I'm here. So why like, well, you're throwing it in my face, technically, that I'm here. So how else would I feel, I would feel better if I wasn't, you know? So I wouldn't have to deal with guilt.

What did she say to that? Oh, you don't mean it. Yeah, I do, I do, I do mean it. Give me an example. Since I got diagnosed. Yeah, give me an example of when your mom lays this guilt on you. Tell me about the last time this happened and why she did it and what she was asking. About three weeks ago when she asked me to come do something for her and I told her no,

I was busy with my wife. I have things planned. And then she won't respond until about 10 PM, 11 PM, when she's had a few drinks. And then it's, oh, well, I do so much for you. It sucks that you can barely do this. Can't even do this one thing for me. Yada, yada, yada. And then it just beats me down.

No, no, that sucks. And what do you have you communicated your frustrations to dad? No, my dad's not much of a talker. He wasn't really much of a talker or listener growing up either. Gotcha. What does your wife say about it? No, she's pissed. She's pissed because I can't set boundaries for myself. She's pissed that my mom tries to guilt trip me. She's not mad at me that I can't set boundaries. She just wishes I could. Sure. But she's worked out with my mom how she tries to guilt trip me about having cancer, like how she was there for me when I had cancer. Have you ever tried something like, you know, when mom is drinking and you know,

she's drinking and she waits to respond. One, you know, I don't, can you do, can you like set like controls on your phone or like, if you receive a text from mom after nine, you just don't look at it. Okay. I can do that. You know, you get like a personal boundary of like you know you might anytime you tell mom no and then you know she does her routine of kind of ignoring you you don't read the text the next that night I mean that's a short-term solution that's in a long-term solution yeah but I think you do have, like, you do have to, you, you do have to

practice trying to, you know, not. It's like not given to her pattern. You know, like, you know what she's doing, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, it's common, you know, you know, you like, it's probably like clockwork at this point. And for whatever reason, you still, you still pick up the phone, you still read it, you still let it bother phone, you still read it, you still let it bother you, you still let it consume you.

And you just kinda, you have to understand that like, this is your mom's problem. It's your problem that you have to work through this. And the fact that like, I think that you, the fact that you have acknowledged that you haven't, this diagnosis has affected you in ways that still affect you today and you haven't talked about it. I think is a really, hopefully, if nothing else, I hope this conversation will inspire you to maybe consider doing that. Because I think, I think you can peel back a lot of potential growth and layers because this is affecting you in ways

you probably don't even realize. And your mom's just one element of it. There may be like guilt that you've, like just the fact that you survived it. Maybe you deal with some guilt or whatever without your mom even making you feel guilty, you know? No, there's some survival skills, for sure. Right? So there's stuff like that you have to deal with it.

And like, fuck man, I don't even know you were 10 years old. I mean, my therapist talks about childhood trauma all the time and I just, I barely had any, but we all have some. Yeah. Right? And you experienced one of the greatest traumas one might be able to experience as a child, you know, having to come to grips with your own mortality. I was 10 years old, 10 years old.

It doesn't even, they don't even comprehend that. And you had to, you know, so, and, and you've seen the value of being able to talk to a third party with unbiased, you know, just to vent and get things out, you know, and talk through things. So I encourage you to explore that if nothing else. Is that, is that doable? Yeah. Therapy is definitely something. Great. Been thinking about. I would, I would dive into that, man. I mean, I don't know if it matters to you.

My life right now, as I see it, feels pretty good. There's always issues, but I still go. At this point, I'm going for maintenance. Just keep on keeping on. I understand there's a time commitment, there's a cost, and I don't know your situation, but like all things being equal, just maintaining that kind of, you know, lifeline and having that person to check in with and just kind of get things out and not bottle things in.

And when you're feeling down and you're feeling like, you know, you are feeling guilted or ashamed by your mom or anyone else, just to be able to, God, it might feel good every once in a while just to go and yell to your therapist, not at your therapist, about how mom's pissing you off. God knows your wife's probably tired of hearing it and she's just like, well,

I'm fucking doing something about it, right? You know? And so just kinda having that person who you literally pay so that you can just vent. I can tell you, it works. It's helpful. But as far as mom goes, yeah, I really think setting some small boundaries with yourself

about, all right, I know when mom's gonna guilt me, so I'm just gonna stay off the phone. At least that night. You should never go to bed, especially when it's happening, you know you it's nine o'clock ten o'clock at night You get the expected text from mom and now you go to bed thinking about how you're disappointing your mom all night You know, she always comes around right? Like every time she does this how's that? How's the situation like that end? Like it'll sense the text message when she's drinking

Do you respond? Do you guys get into it? Like, what happens? I'm bad at texting, so I don't really ever respond. Okay, that's probably good. So you don't respond. You go to bed. You ruminate about it. And then... Kind of just evens itself out. What do you mean? Like, just goes back to, I guess, like, she's not trying to guilt me, and then it'll happen again. And then it'll stop for a minute, and then it'll go down again. Well, that should tell you something. You know, that, you know, the mom's still gonna love you.

You know, she's not going anywhere. She needs you more than you need her right now. I mean, that's the case for every, you know, kid who grows up. What's that saying? You start in diapers, you end in diapers. So getting older is scary and if you even said it yourself, your dad's not necessarily the biggest talker, the most emotionally available man. That probably has been a bummer for mom.

You know, she probably feels lonelier than she looks having a partner who's not necessarily there to like, you know, talk through things with her and, and her, you know, the reason she asks you to do things is because she just wants to see you and then I'm not saying that to guilt you, but it's just to understand where she's coming from. I think when your mom's guilting you, whenever you do, I think the best response you could ever say to your mom is, Mom, you know how much I love you.

I wish you wouldn't say these things, but nevertheless, even though you're upset right now, I want you to know how much I appreciate you and how much I love you. And like, that's all you should ever say to your mom when she sends you that message. You don't get into it with her. You don't, you know, the whole like, well, if you, you know, like, you just, you know, you can get triggered, you can get mad, and oh, she's doing it again, and you just say, Mom, I'm sorry you're upset. You don't apologize for hurting her because you're not hurting her. You gotta be careful when you say that.

You're sorry she's upset. It's like the opposite when it's the apology you're not giving. That's not a real apology. You're right. You shouldn't be apologizing to your mom because you're not doing anything wrong. But you are acknowledging her feelings.

So that's what you're doing. I don. But you are acknowledging her feelings. So that's, and that's what you're doing. I don't think you should be apologizing for anything you're doing, you're not doing wrong, because you're not doing anything wrong. It's okay to say no to your mom. It's wrong what she's doing. But she is your mom and you don't wanna dismiss her. So you can acknowledge your feelings.

Mom, I'm sorry you're upset. I know you're upset, but I know I just want you to know how much I love you. And that all I want to say about that. And you just kind of ignore her other than that. And then the next day you could send her a follow-up message. Hey mom, just a reminder, I love you and sorry I couldn't do whatever it is you needed me to do, but I was busy. But I love you. Hope you're having a great day. You know, and just kind of kill her with kindness, man, because your mom has

proven that she's not going anywhere. That she, she'll get over it. She is venting and, you know, selfishly making, you know, making you feel bad. Um, and then, you know, the night ends, you know, making you feel bad. And then, you know, the night ends and she probably honestly feels bad about what she said, but, and she's been drinking and she just tries to, you know, you know, you know she's, know she's wrong because if she didn't,

she would keep it going, but she lets it go. I've never lost a fight that someone dropped. Does that make sense? You know you win a fight when the other person just says, let's just drop it. Let's just forget about it, whatever. It's like, okay, sure. And the fact that your mom doesn't bring it up the next day

knows that this is a temporary thing of her venting and her projecting. I don't know how helpful this is because I know at the end of the day this is this is about how it's affecting you, you know, and that's kind of my point and I can only share so much but like you just you have to figure out how to let this situation affect you less. You know, is this helpful at all? I don't know. Yeah, probably helpful. Okay. You know, is this helpful at all? I don't know. Yeah, funny. Okay. Do you think it's doable? Yeah, it's gonna be hard

for me to set the boundaries. Because I don't know how to go about doing it without sounding like a raging asshole. What do you mean raging asshole? What like what do you mean? It's been so long. And it's just like, I've dealt with so much that I don't want to come off headstrong or like super aggressive about it. Well, I'm definitely not asking you to be aggressive. And I, what I'm actually suggesting is, cause I'm, I'm imagining that when mom sends these messages and you finally like get triggered and you do respond and you

say things like, well, I guess I should have just, my guess is those kind of get aggressive. You know, my guess is those get heated because, you know, all fights are, you know, you get triggered, then you say things and you're not really saying that you mean it because you're mad, you're triggered, you feel hurt, you say something that kind of hurts them. You know, I'm definitely not suggesting that. I mean, I'm in fact, I'm suggesting the exact opposite is to avoid the conflict, have faith that you know your mom loves you, that this is something that she's lonely or hurting or sad and she's being unfair.

So you still say no to whatever it is that you say no to, you can't show up, you can't do X, Y, or Z, but just, hey mom, I know you're upset. I'm sorry you're upset, but I love you. You know, sometimes you say things that are hurtful. I know you don't mean it, but I just, it is important for me to say that it is hurtful. And I think that when your mom says stuff like that, that does hurt, instead of saying all the other things you're used to saying, you just reminding her that it is hurtful to hear is enough and way more effective. You know, mom, it's hurtful to hear. It's really hurtful to hear, but I do, I no matter, either way, I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't be

there today. You know, I had X, Y, or Z, but I do love you. And if she says something is like manipulative and kind of, and I was like, well, why don't you ever show it again, mom? I do. I know sometimes it's not on your terms, but I know that you know that I love you. And you just kind of kill it with kindness over and over. It's a bit repetitive.

You say the same things over and over, but you're not gonna say anything you regret when you do stuff like that. And that's not being an asshole. No, that is not. Then you just, you try to avoid her triggering you. And like the next time she asks you something you can't do, you're like, mom, I know this is gonna be upsetting,

but I'm sorry, I can't make it. But I really do love you and I wish I could, but you know, I can't today. And I hope you understand, you know, I would appreciate it if you just accept the fact that I am busy and know that either way, I love you. And when can we see each other? You know, it's kind of like when she asks,

or maybe try like, hey, sorry mom, can't make it today, but I was thinking about you, when can we do lunch? Yeah. You know, something like that. You know, it's like, give her something, you know, it's like a peace offering, I don't know. But this is all just like me throwing out random ideas, you know, but the end of the day, I think this really comes down

to you acknowledging that this is still something that affects you and you have to work through and just the willingness to work through it so that it's not something that weighs you down anymore. Like you should be free of it. And unfortunately, your mom's not letting you do that, but I think you can accomplish it with some really good therapy. Okay.

How's, how's the, how's the relationship with the wife? It's good. It's really good. It's honestly the best four and a half years of my life. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. Well, well, protect that, you know, and, and And I mean, you're obviously, your wife, you know,

it's frustrating when a partner can't get over the control a parent has. I empathize with your wife, and I'm sure you do too, you know? But I really just think kill your mom with kindness. And if your mom is showing you patterns, so the good news is, is that you can get, like your mom's predictable, you know? And since your mom is predictable, that should make it easier for you to, you know, set up some boundaries that will help, that will limit you to being triggered more.

It's just like, you know, you get that text at 10 o'clock at night, let your wife read it. Shut it off. Let your wife read it. You know, is she doing it again? Yeah, she's doing it again. Okay. Well, Let your wife read it. You know, is she doing it again? Yeah, she's doing it again. Okay. Well, should we just put it aside? You know, what is she saying? The usual, you know, and just all right, well, just text her for me. I love her. I love you, mom. You know, sorry, you're upset. You know, I love you. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. You're upset. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm upset, I'm sorry you're upset. I love you, I'm sorry upset. And six films from now, when you go back and look at your text feed from mom, it should be a lot of I'm sorry, I love you, I'm sorry you're upset.

And then throwing out ideas and when you can get together with her. Okay. And that's the thing is like, I'm guessing your mom's asking you to hang out so much, you say no, it always feels like it's on her terms, make it on your terms. Okay. When was the last time you asked your mom to get together probably months okay well it's not that bad well actually my wife and I have asked her to come over to the house we just bought for six or seven months and

they live about two minutes down the road and they have yet to come over oh my goodness well that's have you pointed that out? Not yet. Well, I don't I wouldn't point don't point it out when you're fighting with it. Yeah now that's a Completely separate conversation. I also wouldn't take it personally. I don't know. I died. I don't More so that kind of bothers my wife Because now he's very proud of what we have accomplished together. Why do you think, just a guess, why do you think mom hasn't come? I would say because she spends her weekends out drinking.

Okay, so mom has a bit of a drinking problem. Yeah. Okay, well listen, yeah, and that's just something you can empathize with her for. You know, it's just like, you know, I wish she would do some about it, but like, you know, it's not it's a fine line between making an excuse for someone and empathizing with them. And usually we I, you know, to me, the value of getting better at empathizing with people was honestly a selfish move, you know, Because me empathizing with people helps me understand people better. And then therefore, I spend less time and less energy

trying to figure out why people react to me the way they do or interact with me how they do. And so it's like, well, yeah, I don't, they'll be like, well, why would someone do this? Or why would someone do this to me? I've gotten good at being like, well, I guess if I put myself in their shoes, I wouldn't do it this way,

but I guess that's probably the way they're thinking about it. And I guess, and that's the case, well, I don't agree with them. I guess I now understand. I understand why they're motivated by what they do. And at least for me, that has freed me up. That has freed up a lot of mental

energy for me. You know, my ability to empathize with why someone makes a decision. Again, not to justify their actions, not to agree with them, but just so that I spend less time trying to figure it out. And I spend less time feeling bad for myself, especially when their actions affect me you know I don't know if that's helpful very helpful yeah so I listen man I highly recommend therapy as someone who hasn't dealt with what you've had to deal with I find therapy pretty helpful for my far less my far easier to deal with, I find therapy pretty helpful for my far easier to deal with problems, I guess. I don't know. It's all relative. I mean, you know. And, you know, yeah, man, I've never really talked about this. How does it affect you? You know, how does it trigger you? You

know, what you are definitely, it definitely affects you to this day. You even acknowledge it and it probably affects you in ways you don't know. It affects your mom, you know? But you need to go through your life guilt-free and shame-free, and it's not fair for you to carry that burden. And I want you to live your life to the fullest because you've been given this chance,

and I don't want you to feel like you're undeserving of it because mom throws a little shame your way some days. I'm trying to make the most of it. All right, man. Well, it sounds like you got a lot of good things going for you. The wife, the house, your adult life seems to be in good order, so all things considered, that's great.

And this is the best time to get into therapy when at the end of the day, your problems feel like, I'm not saying this is a small problem because obviously your relationship with your mom matters to you and it can affect your marriage, but all things equal, it sounds like life's overall pretty good. And it's better to dive into these things

when life's overall pretty good and it could be better rather than waiting to this problem that goes undelt with and starts affecting you a ways and then change the overall dynamic of how you feel about how things are and then you wait and then finally get into it. You know, I'd hate for you to wait that long. No, I'm not going to wait that long. Awesome, man. Well, hopefully this was helpful. I don't, you know, I know a lot of this is obviously I don't have experience in

And this stuff but it is generally it's still that kind of parent-child dynamic of which, you know always remembering that it's like Parents are really hard. You know, it's like me being a new father, right? Mm-hmm. You know the idea hard to, you know, it's like me being a new father, right? You know, the idea that, you know, my nine week old daughter is someday gonna probably make choices I don't agree with, do things that might disappoint me, upset me, you know, and I'm just gonna, you know, I'm gonna at some point not be the most important person in her life. She's not gonna need my permission. Those are, you know, and that's gonna be after 18 years of one way.

And that's gonna be a huge adjustment for me, you know? And I think most parents really struggle with that. And giving your and your mom's dynamic, I understand why it would be even harder. So, all right, Matt. Well, I really appreciate the call. Yeah, of course, thank you. If you're willing, we'd love an update down the road,

especially if you decide to jump into therapy and how that worked. And in the meantime, maybe, you know, honestly, this could be helpful with you and your wife just to like, listen, hey, babe, whatever, I don't know what you call her. I understand, you know, it can get upsetting, but but like maybe we can work together in some little boundaries that we figure out together when when she does her little thing and she does a

routine you know would how about we do you know I you know how it affects me I have a hard time annoying her messages but when she does could you just read them for me because that way I don't feel like we're ignoring her. And just in case there's something going on, you don't want to completely maybe ignore the message cause God forbid there's an emergency. So would you be willing to just read my message? And I don't need to even hear it,

but just let me confirm that she's doing the thing that she always does. And then we can just go to bed and I'll do my best to just let it go and we'll wake up the next day, it's a new day knowing that mom still loves me. And then, you know, and just try to figure out how you guys can do it together.

Cause you know, I struggle with it, you know, and by the way, I think I'm gonna dive into therapy and finally tackle like how my childhood trauma has affected me to as adulthood and, you know, thanks for your support and blah, blah, blah. But in the meantime, can we work on some boundaries with mom together?

And I'd love your help with that. I'm assuming she'd be down for that. And that'll make you feel like you're doing it as a team, you know, and then you'll have to come, you know, you'll have to, you know, follow through, which might be tough for you, but you can do it. You know, mom's not going anywhere. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just, it sucks. It sucks, guilting a parent. Or feeling guilty. Yeah. Feeling guilt from a parent, you know. All right, man. Well, I appreciate the call. Sorry you're going through this,

but really look forward to an update and hopefully you're able through this, but really look forward to an update and hopefully you're able to jump into therapy. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'll give you guys another update. I appreciate you. Yeah.

Have a great rest of your day and we'll talk soon. Yeah, of course, man. By the way, my wife says she's a huge fan. Oh, well, tell her thank you. I appreciate it. She wanted me to let you know that. All right. Well, tell her I appreciate you calling in

and I can't wait for an update from you guys. Thanks, man, you guys take it easy. All right, buddy, take care. All right, bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at theviallfiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow, bye.

Great. You