The Viall Files - E757 Ask Nick - To Sign the NDA, or Not?

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! Before we get to our callers, we introduce Nick to some viral internet dating theories and read a written Ask Nick. Then we get to our callers… Our first caller’s boyfriend was caught watching videos of his ex-girlfriend. She still loves him, but this made her feel icky about herself. Our Second caller was talking to an ex-marine, until he wanted her to sign an NDA before their next date. After doing her own digging and sneaking into his apartment… Did she sign it? Our final caller is wondering if she cheated or if it was self-sabotage that ended her. After finding who she thought was her perfect match, he wasn't ready to be a father, and she turned to her ex right after breaking up. “Technically you didn’t cheat, but technically who cares” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  Firstleaf - Visit https://www.Firstleaf.com/VIALL to sign up and save 50% on your first SIX hand-curated bottles plus free shipping. ShipStation - Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com with code VIALL. BetterHelp - Take a moment. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. ASPCA - To explore coverage, visit https://www.ASPCApetinsurance.com/VIALL  Caraway - This deal is exclusive for our listeners, so visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL or use code VIALL at checkout for 10% off your next purchase.   Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell  

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I am your host, Nick Joy. By the household, we got Justin and Leia with us. And are we continuing our conversation about TikTok made up words and trends for dating tips? That we should come up with more, like just random shit TikTok comes up with that is really just people being bored. I can't stop watching at the same time. Listen, I'm not knocking.

I mean, I'm knocking, but whatever. We're picking up where we left off from the update classic episode. So if you missed that one one go back and listen to it What were the first ones we get the string attachment theory invisible string orange peel orange peel and then February march if you want to know what we're talking about. Yeah. No, you're gonna have to listen Fuck you. We're not gonna tell you we're not gonna tell you any more than that So check out update classic was released on Friday and now we are going to pick up where we left

off with a few more. Yeah update the classic the update that everyone gets to listen to not the one that's behind VyLFiles Plus which is available to all of you guys if you just want to go check it out VyLFiles.com free to sign up you're really missing out if you don't. 100% It's an investment in your life is what it is. And the pop extra, that's my fave. And the Vanna pump recap. Okay, anyway, so what wild, crazy ones do we have today?

So this one's my favorite because I think that they're- Because you agree with it or because it's insane? It's just something I've never thought about before, but I actually think there's a lot of validity to it. Okay, I'm intrigued. Here we go. So it's dating birth order theory. My therapist, Darlene, is huge, big on this.

My first session we had was all about like my child, you know, like childhood. You can tell like more and more people have gotten into therapy by just the language they use and the things they say. I swear to God, before I got into therapy, I never heard anyone talk about childhood trauma and the impact it has in your life going forward.

And obviously with us doing the show and we've been talking about therapy in general, but even before I got into regular therapy, I mean, I saw the value in therapy. Well, that's why I got regular therapy, was just more like, yeah, I have a kid all the time. Let's just try this shit out. But nowadays it's just like,

boy, everyone's just like, you know, you know, childhood drama. Anyways, I digress. Wait, so what's the theory? Yeah, sorry, I'll shut the fuck up. What's your guess on what it is? Well, for example, Darlene, my therapist, because I am the second oldest and Natalie is the youngest, somehow she thinks that me being the oldest

and one of the older ones in my family, the oldest boy, and Natalie being the youngest somehow makes us a better match. You and Darlene are pretty spot on with what this TikTok theory is. It's essentially a lighthearted way to test compatibility with someone you're dating based off the traits you've theoretically inherited from your position

in your family birth order. Okay. So, stereotypically, first borns are super ambitious leaders and kind of perfectionists. Middle children, famously, are diplomatic, empathetic, people pleasers. And the youngest children sort of tend to be the wildest and have a bit of a sense of entitlement. Meanwhile, only children are hyper independent, grown up, and potentially a little selfish.

So they're saying like similar to first borns. I just think it's interesting because it's like, I agree in the sense that, you know, how your birth order does affect your personality, in my opinion. For sure. It seems to be. Yeah. I think so. It seems to matter.

That's not far fetched to think. I wonder if, because I'm the oldest, so I wonder if I would butt heads with somebody who was also the oldest, because we both have the urge to kind of be charge. What is your husband? Like what is his? He's a middle child.

Okay. And then I'm a middle child, and then my partner is an only child. So kind of the same, because the only child is the oldest child energy. Okay. It's an interesting concept to like pair based off of where you land. I always say my oldest sister was the oopsie, I was the redemption, because I'm the oldest child energy. Okay. It's an interesting concept to pair based off of where you land. I always say my oldest sister was the oopsie, I was the redemption because I'm the middle

child and then my youngest sister was the trend. And by oopsie, like they weren't planning on having. Yes. Whether that's true or not. But I'm like, I was the redemption because I was intentional and then my youngest sister was the trend. And by trend. Like just everybody in a middle class family has three children.

That being said, it produces this statistic that you land somewhere within. I definitely feel like my siblings and I fall into this stereotype. Like I'm definitely the one who likes to be in charge and the loudest of the group. And then my siblings are twins, so I guess it gets complicated there, like who's the youngest. Mm-hmm. Like by seven minutes, my sisters... My siblings are twins, so I guess it gets complicated there, like who's the youngest. Like by seven minutes, my sister- Or just the fact that they're twins.

I wonder how that affects them and how they date. For sure. That's a whole other thing. I'm surprised there's not more information on this on TikTok because of all the things that you've brought up, like this I think has some validity to it. Like how though? In what way? I think it runs a little deeper than like your stereotypical. Well, apparently it dates back to the 1900s

when an Austrian psychologist, Alfred Alder, first suggested children could develop certain personality traits depending on where they fit in their family. And I guess we're kind of now figuring out how that affects dating. We're just now figuring that out? Just now on TikTok.

No, on TikTok. It is a fascinating discussion. It's interesting information, but what do you actually do with it? Right, like do- You know what I'm saying? Like, do you actually like put it in your dating app bio? Do you actually screen your dates? Right, it's like you go on a date with someone

and you find out they're an older child. You're a middle child. Maybe we should be, I don't know. Yeah, maybe it would save a lot of time. Like if you find out right away, it's like you're an oldest child that can't, hmm. So am I, probably not compatible. I will say it says middle children

have harmonious relationships, therefore we like can connect with anybody in that combo. So being a middle child is like the secret weapon. I actually agree, I think middle children, just because like, so I'm the oldest, so I was the only child for a while. Middle children are the O blood of like dating, basically. The O blood, the universal donor.

That would be interesting to find out if there was a study, do middle children have the most? Successful relationships. Successful relationships. If you, let's say success was based off of length of relationship, right? Success is variable. True.

Yeah. But yeah. I think so because like, I mean, just going off of my partner being a middle child, he's super just like chill, go with the flow. He's used to just kind of, you know, being super amicable, which works well for me because he's just chill.

What happens if you put like a middle child with a middle child? Because if the middle child is diplomatic, then if there's two diplomats, is it like over communication, like nothing happens, they just sit there? Are middle children better communicators? I would say so. You think middle children? I mean, speaking for myself, but like if there's two of them,

like there's just too much communication, too much, you know, like if both of them are too over-communicative. Yeah, I think you could over-communicate. Just like Dr. Orna. I mean, you can have too much therapy. Most depression is caused by rumination and like having obsessive thoughts about, you know, who you are,

or what brings you happiness or doesn't bring you happiness. And so sometimes constantly talking about your problems. Makes it worse. Makes it, almost, yeah. Yeah. No, 100%. If you're venting to a friend, sometimes it could go south because it's like, yeah, sometimes venting feels really good,

but sometimes also you talk yourself into being angry and you were when you started. I mean, like, you know, good time to plug my book, but I used to do the thing where every time I'd go through a heart breakup, I would just like find a couple friends that like complain about, you know, talk to her about. And then I would tell her I could wear out my welcome and I would just find another friend, you know?

But I would just get in these rumination loops and I'd get stuck. You never get over something when you constantly obsessively talk about it over and over and over and over and over and over. Yeah. The real recipe is just being busy. It's just, I do think that part of the reason

why we have such a uptick in anxiety and depression is because we have less to do. It's easier to get things done, technology, you know? Sometimes you just have to grind it out. As a whole, as a society, yeah, we've gotten lazier for sure. Like the world was harder 100 years ago. When people were literally having kids so they could like have enough employees on their farms, you know? Like they didn't have time to be depressed or anxious or self-aware. That way they were just like, get up and milk cows.

You know? Yeah, and I do think social media also has a lot to do with mental health issues now. Like if you're too busy to not scroll on Twitter or TikTok, imagine the anxiety all these trends have given people. It's like, oh fuck, my partner would totally fail that. I scroll on Twitter or TikTok. Imagine the anxiety all these trends have given people. Yeah.

Oh fuck, my partner would totally fail that. What kind of a relationship am I in? Right, and you're expecting it to go one way and then I- The comparison, yeah. Your expectations. Oh my God, yeah. The thief of the joy.

How do you not, yeah. That's all, I mean, when you think about it that way, all scrolling does is steal your joy. No, I definitely need to take breaks from social media because obviously during the week I'm very busy. And then on the weekends, if there's a day or a couple hours where I have and I'm just scrolling, I'm just like,

oh my God, like horrible. If I scroll for more than 20 minutes on any app, I immediately feel like our show's going to the shit. Oh no. Because it's like, you're always- You're convincing yourself. app, I immediately feel like our show's going to the shit. Oh no. Because it's like you're always- You're convincing yourself. Because I'm always thinking what we're not doing, what we could be doing better or what

else is going out there. I'm always the happiest when I'm not thinking about me. What else we got? So here's the other one. This one is similar to the orange peel theory. It's called the bird test. So the idea is to say something random. Go ahead. Okay. So the idea, and you kind of touched on this in, I don't remember previous episode, just about like how you say things, like how you, how you would say

Natalie's my wife. Yeah. Okay. So this is kind of similar to that, but it's to say something random, but with genuine excitement to your partner in the hope that they will match your enthusiasm. Natalie brought this up to me. I saw, so the example that I saw- It's like if there was a trend or something. Yeah, it's a trend. Most of these have turned into trends.

So the orange peel theory was a trend where people would just like give their partner an orange and ask them to peel it or, you know, so this one- Imagine how many relationships- Crumbled because of- Crumbled, no, serious. Because of an orange?

Yeah. No, because of any of these trends. I mean, I can imagine- Why did you do that? You failed the test. You failed the test. Wait, does it make it problematic then that we're actively like testing our partners?

Like we have like an orange for a test and like that actually decides something in our head. Like we assign weight to the fact that if they peel an orange or not, that means something. Well, I think if you see one of these trends on TikTok and then you use it and you go- Take it seriously. Take it that seriously where you go out

and you can buy an orange. And it's likened to going through your partner's phone. Relationships are hard. It's hard to communicate and have awkward and difficult conversations. Most of us, you've heard me say this, I think we're becoming worse at communicating, not better as a society.

And then therefore in relationships, even though these are people who you would think that, how many times do we have, we talk to people who have a problem, like, well, have you run into your partner? They're like, no, I'm like, well, maybe just, you know, ask. And I think, yeah, instead of, that's why, you know, I always kind of make fun of these

kind of, whether it's like coming up with words like gaslighting or breadcoming, all these things. Like none of these, like we didn't make up any, like I said on Friday, it's like we didn't make up any of these things or tests recently on TikTok. We're just giving it new names and coming up with ways that allow people to be like, oh, that's the thing I'm feeling that I couldn't describe or figure out with my partner.

And instead of like talking through it or working through it, we just, you know, we're always looking for answers. And so I think therefore it's, I think we've become again, too lazy. So it's- I like this one a lot because basically the example that I saw was this guy put his camera

up so that his partner wouldn't see it. And then he went to the window and he's like, Oh my God, a hummingbird. Oh my God, that's so exciting. Come look. And he like called his partner over and to see how she would match his energy. And so, and it, and it's supposed to be something super mundane. So it's like, but if you're putting a lot of excitement about it, the theory is that they should match your excitement.

And so this one worked, the one that I saw and the his partner came and she was like, oh my God, that's crazy. Like that's a sign that, you know, seeing a hummingbird, whatever. And it went on. So she passed the test. That's what they're saying. Like passed the test. That's what they're saying, like, passed the test. You know what this makes me think of? The video of the woman who gifted her daughter

a potato for Christmas, and she wrapped it up and then presented it in an exciting tone, and then the baby saw it and was like, oh my God, they just matched it because- The baby passed the test. The baby passed the test, but the baby was looking at it like, this is a potato right right so like the the theory is that the person doesn't actually wouldn't actually be excited by this

thing but they so lying to your partner's win well endorsing enthusiasm I think I think there is absolutely something to be said about matching your partner's energy I can be very but you guys, I can be very monotone and low energy at times. I think as a partner, that's something I could get much better at, is matching Nellie's energy with certain things. That's why I hate these tests because it's like, imagine if Nellie did this test,

which I would almost certainly fail, the bird test. It's like, okay. You're like, cool. I mean, like cool. Especially if like she was deliberately thinking of something that I wouldn't normally give a shit about. But if it was just about like, I'm not a good matching energy. It's not a strength of mine,

but I also recognize its importance. So, which is kind of my point of what I just kind of rambled on about. It's like, I'm gonna respond better to Natalie saying to work on something rather than throw me a test and be like, you fucking failed. Right. Which I do think I'm all for fun TikTok trends, but I do think people out there, some of them take very these tests very literally.

Yeah, for sure. It's like it's a test that creates the conversation that should have started by then being like, sometimes it would just make me feel like you are more interested in things than I'm interested by giving a shit, or not saying give a shit, but. And yeah, because I would almost certainly fail that test. We have a writer in here before we get to our callers.

Yeah, should we get to it? Let's do it. So this writer in here writes in with the headline hitting on my physical therapist. She writes, I Nick and household. So I started physical therapy about two weeks ago because I hurt my piriformis. I hurt my piriformis while training for race. Your piriformis is located in the muscle between your hip and your glute or something like that.

So I literally went on ZocDoc and booked the first PT that I could find. My PT Loki looked so nerdy in his photo I didn't think much of him until I showed up and I was like OMG he is so cute. We have sessions booked until the last Friday in April and my injury is getting better so I feel like I probably won't need to keep going to him for much longer. We definitely have a vibe and like laugh a lot the whole time and ask questions about our lives and like obviously massages my glute because my injury is there.

So I'm like in love with him. I'm like 80% sure that the vibe is reciprocated. So I'm writing in because I wanna put the moves on my physical therapist, but like he is such a nice boy, like a golden retriever and does not seem like a rule breaker. So I think it has to be me to initiate. I feel like I would have to do it

after my last ever appointment because I looked up the laws in my state and you can date your physical therapist once treatment stops and there's no waiting period. So how do I slightly make a move at my last appointment? He's single and I have social media stalked him so much. Thank you. Do we have a- we should have asked for this guy to social media. Yeah. And hers. Hers too, yeah. Yeah. Well, she just wants to know how to shoot her shot. Yeah. Or I guess the first question is,

do you think she should shoot her shot? Sure. Yeah? So how would you shoot your shot if you were in her position and it was your physical therapist and he was massaging your glute? Me?

Yes. I would slide in their DMs. I would chicken out. Would you wait until after your physical therapy appointments were over? I think I'm good at knowing when people are hitting on me. I don't think a lot of people are. So you would think that you would like pick up a vibe

from your physical therapist and know if you had an in? Well, I don't think everyone's hitting on me. You know? Mm-hmm. I've had a lot of people being like, oh, she's hitting on you. And I'm like, I don't think so. And are you always right?

I don't, I think it's more, it's more, I think a lot of people think friendliness is flirtiness. You know, I think it's more, if you're someone who thinks everyone's flirting with you, they're not. Sheena. Yeah, oh yeah, I forgot about that. So I would be curious with the person who wrote in,

how does this compare to other people? Yeah. But that being said, what does she have to lose? I would slide in their DM. There you go. How, I mean, it doesn't really, yeah, that's the thing. It doesn't matter. This person has seen how you look yeah, they have an opinion of you. They've touched your ass

It sounds like she's more worried about like the profession. She's a she he's a he yes, okay, so this is a heterosexual relationship She's 23 and he's 27 Okay, yeah, so I don't not age really isn't all that relevant. Mm that relevant. I'm just trying to think what would actually be effective. Do you think that it would be more effective to slide into his DMs or to approach him at the last ET session and say something in person? I think a DM is the best way in those types of situations

because I think taking away the pressure is always key. Listen, I'm all for old fashioned walking up to someone. I do think we need a dating renaissance and I do think we need to get out in public and I think we need to be more social and we need to interact with people more, yada, yada, yada, yada. I do think all that, right?

But I also think like, make things easier on yourself and remove tension of any kind. You do have a situation where like, the fact that she, I'm glad she mentioned that she looked it up and what the rules are because I do know there are rules about this, especially with physical therapy, that they're very much not allowed

to date their patients. Right, yeah. And so it's good that she knows that, right? He, what she has going against her is that, yeah, it might be okay for him to date, but if he, she talks about him as if he's a fairly attractive guy. She looked him up, thought he was nerdy,

turns out not nerdy, good hands, sexy, whatever. So guessing 27 year old physical therapist, good looking guy, you know? And if this guy, if this motherfucker's over six foot, he's getting hit on by every single. How could you not fall in love with your PT? You know what I'm saying? So that's, we gotta assume that this is not like,

she just, there's something about him that no one else can see. And this is gonna be the first time he ever got hit on. You know? So, yeah. And this is gonna be the first time he ever got hit on. And I just think removing the tension, you ask him at his place of business, his guard's gonna be up a little bit. Give him some time to think about it, ponder it, consider it.

Maybe on your last session, you could be a little more flirty, get a vibe check. Or maybe ask for his Instagram or something so that he'll see the DM. She knows he's single. That's what she said. Yeah, I would ask about his girlfriend or something. That's smart. Ask about his girlfriend, you know she doesn't exist.

Or to open the door, like let them know that you're interested in a very slight way. Maybe she could playfully be like, I just like, do you know any good places to meet people because I've been having a hell of a time, you know. Let them know you're single. Yeah, let them know you're single, exactly. Yeah, I think that's good to like kind of just drop hints

that you're interested but not in such a forward way so that you're kind of opening the door so that later you can slide into his DMs. So yeah, it's like, how's your girlfriend? Oh, he's single. Where do you take people? Like, where are you finding people? Because I'm having a hard time.

Yeah, I think that's great. You just gave me an idea though. Could be a DM. I wouldn't say this. I mean, if she had really had a pair, she could do this in person, but she would ask for any good date recommendations. Like any restaurants or any good places to take a date.

I like where you're going with this. And then she's like, great. Well, can you take me there? Or she could say, do you know any good date recommendations? He could give you one and then later slide into the DMs and be like, so do you wanna go to that? Yeah, exactly. No, seriously, she's gonna ask him about any good day that there you go. We figured it out

Yeah in her last session You can add into be flirty just in general flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt flirt, you know, don't be weird Don't be too aggressive You know look nice for something sexy, you know appropriately sexy. Do some squats before. Yeah, get those glutes. Get them ready. Fierce.

Firm up a bit. Sorry, we can cut that. No, why would you do that? And then ask about the girlfriend, because you know he's single. You ask about the girlfriend to see, you know, oh, I've been, he could say, he could lie, say he has a girlfriend.

In which case stop flirting immediately. Stop flirting immediately. That's it. Something like being over six foot, making more than $100,000 a year and having a credit score of over like 650 for men, you're in the 1% of men, 1%, less than 1%. Wow.

You know, but it's in a crazy, you know, you go on the street and you're like, what do of men, 1%, less than 1%. Wow. You know, but isn't it crazy? You know, you go on the street and you're like, what do you want an eligible guy? Looking for a man in finance. Over six foot and then like how much money do you expect your guy to make? It's always like $300,000, you know, but like just over six foot making over $100,000,

you're looking for the 1%. So if he's, I don't know if physical therapists make $100,000, whatever, but it's a nice little career. Some probably make millions. I don't know. It depends on everything. Yeah, I'm sure it's a wide range. But he, if my point is like a bartender, they know how to get hit on and they know how to like, gracefully turn it down. And so like a bartender, if he is a good looking, single physical therapist, is a good looking single physical therapist.

Anyone who, any woman who is, or man, who is age appropriate, and that's a wide range, and single has tried to hit on this person. So he knows how to gracefully get out of it. So asking about his girlfriend is a great way to find out how he answers that, you know? He either actually has one or he's just doing his thing to shut it down. If I were, let's say, if I were him

and I could tell someone was hitting on me or asking about my girlfriend and I was single as fuck and I was trying to avoid them like hitting on me, I would make up a person. I'd be like, well, you know, I just kind of been hanging out with someone. I'm curious where it's going, but like, yeah, she's got a lot of potential, but we'll see, you know?

You know, something like that. I was just saying on the flip side, he'll recognize if she's flirt. Like, he probably would have known by now if she's crushing, right? He probably suspects. Right. But especially if you go in on the last session,

turning it on. Especially the last session. Yeah. Turning it on. Asking about the girlfriend, asking about, anyway, so let's assume, he's like, yeah, no, I'm single as fuck, you know, and maybe who knows?

And then you ask him about some good date spots. Hopefully he gives you one. Assuming he gives you one, then you DM him and ask him to go out there. Feel it out, see how like good you're feeling at the end of the session about the banter and see if you wanna either do it in person or DM later, but regardless, bring it see if you wanna either do it in person or DM later.

But regardless, bring up that. For her to do it in person, it must be so fucking obvious. Yeah, yeah, it's gotta be, door is open. His shirt is probably, it must be off. Oh, okay. I'm exaggerating. You're giving him a massage. Yeah, but yeah, it's,

cause otherwise you're just, you're making, you know, like, what is it, what is someone supposed to say in that moment? Yeah. If they don't want to, if they're kind of uncomfortable about it, if they're just like on the fence. Well, what would you say? He's already now said that he doesn't have a girlfriend, so he doesn't have that excuse anymore.

I would absolutely make, I would, I would make, well, that's the thing, I would just make it up. Oh, I just- But he doesn't have it anymore. Like if he's already said that he's single and- He didn't say he was single though. She stalked him on Instagram. No, no, but I'm saying like if in this session. You're saying like she brings up the girlfriend

and he's like, oh, I'm single. Then she asks him out and he doesn't want to. Then what? Right, like it's putting him in a bad spot. I would blame it on the, I would then give him, I would say that I am a stickler for a good policy. And his boundary, his own, I would say like something about like stickler for a good policy. And his boundary, his own, I would say like something about like

his own personal boundary being like, I know like it's not really, but I just, I really just don't, you know, you might hurt your hip again. I'd hate for you to have a different, have to go to a different therapist. Right, right. Something like that.

Yeah, I'm sure he has some in his back, you know. Cause I will say, there's not a single 27 year old male therapist who wouldn't go out with their patient if they wanted to. Especially if it's not a law, there's no law against it. But just know that if he says that, he just doesn't like you.

Yeah, so safer with the DM. Yeah, well, I guess my point of saying that is that if you're listening to this and, you know, it's someone at the gym or, you know, like, you gotta, it's hard to reject people. Oftentimes we get accused of being assholes just by setting a boundary. Like we talked about, you know, I don't really want to do that, a boundary being like, I don't want to go out with you. You know, it's not easy.

And so we always try to let people ourselves and those people were, you know, letting down gracefully. And it's usually easier to say that it's not you, it's me, right? It's not, I would go out with you, but you know, obviously I have this rule, you know, but. Well, that's why people go so often because it's almost easier to just like say yes in the moment and then ghost them later.

And be honest. Yeah. So that's the thing, even if it guys, even if he says yes nowadays, he just, you don't even know what that yes is in person. You're gonna get a more honest answer. With a DM. With a DM.

Yeah, very true. Okay, so flirt in the session, see if he has a girlfriend, suss it out, ask for the best dating recommendation, DM him later with that. I think if you meet someone in public and you don't know who they are, don't know their name, and you're just like,

holy cow, I am so just taken back by this person, go up, hit on them, ask them out, do your thing, say something, whatever, because you might not get another chance. But if you know who they are and you have the ability to slide in their DM and they make sure, A, your Instagram is not on private, then I think DM's always better for those reasons.

You're gonna get a more honest answer, you're not putting someone on the spot, give them some chance to think about it. It just makes people more comfortable, you know? And especially nowadays, I just think we're just so taken back by people approaching us in public. Yeah. This is a little off topic, but I wonder like,

you know, depending on his following, would he see the DM? That's a thing. Right. Well, unless he's like a famous PT, right? But like, Natalie slid into your DMs and you saw it though. It's a fair question. But like Natalie slid into your DMs,

you have a very large following and you somehow still saw it. Well, yeah, but like people think I'm like inundated with DMs, like, I mean, I don't know what a lot is to anyone, but if I were to check my DMs at any given time and scroll down, you know, it'd take me five seconds to get to like a week later, a week earlier.

Okay. I'm not getting thousands and thousands every day. But they're finicky, cause some go to requests. I think it's more, the only risk about DMing anyone or a stranger or a non-public figure is not that, I think it's the opposite. Like, I think celebrities or anyone with a stranger or a non-public figure is not that, I think it's the opposite. Like, I think celebrities or anyone with a following, I mean, I like to think I'm better than most

at staying offline and disconnecting and not reading comments, but like I'm also only human, right? And even myself, it's like, I see things, right? And so I think it's more on the flip side, a lot of people like a physical therapist, he might like, he might literally not ever have, have never checked a DM.

So that's possible. So you have that risk. So then is there, right. So then maybe should she ask for his number at the end of the session? Email his doctor email? Yeah, like she must have some sort of contact information for him,

unless he works in like a- Like you're saying to guarantee contact. Yeah, yeah. Cause I would hate for the DM to just go unseen and for this to never happen. Maybe bring up his social somehow in a non-stalkery way, following each other. Like we should keep in touch.

Ask him about DMs. There you go. Have you ever met someone in the DMs? There you go. Talk about like, when you go in there. Solved go. When you go in there, talk about dating. Just strike up a conversation. Every physical therapist, what are you up to? You're staging pleasantries.

So just have a conversation with him about dating. And without interviewing him, find out if he's like, have you ever met someone through DMs? Or do you ever get DMs? Or ask him about, she'll probably find out a lot. Listen to his answers. Yeah, there's gonna be, this last appointment is gonna be a lot of research happening on your end.

Yeah, I hope this is helpful. Good luck. We gave a lot of different options, so there's, yeah, I'm curious. I mean, the main takeaway is one, don't ask him on the spot, but try to get enough of information to find out whether this has a high degree of success or low.

I think for the most part, DMing is safe. You make a good point that maybe he will never check, and so if there's no response, kind of leaves you with a, oh, did he actually get it? I bet I think you can ask enough of questions, and maybe you two are following each other by the end of the session, or maybe you just, you're making enough of hints, you know?

I still think even if it's obvious, you should DM. Yeah. You know? I'd love to hear an update on this. Yes, we need an update for sure. Must have. Speaking of updates, we do have that update classic available for everyone to listen to.

Don't forget to send your questions at asknickevalfiles.com for all things texting office hours, ask Nick, you know the drill. And let's get to our callers. How's it going? Good. My name is Colleen and I'm 32 years old. How can we help Colleen? So my boyfriend has been masturbating

to his ex-girlfriend's sex tapes. Okay, is this something he shared with you? Did you catch him in the act? And you say it as if he's still doing it. Well, he says he's not anymore. I did not catch him. I know just personally that he likes to film having sex and I don't know why it just personally that he likes to film having sex. And I don't know

why it just occurred to me now to ask, but I assume that he had done it in the past. He had previously been in a seven year relationship. So recently I asked him, you know, I'm assuming you have old videos or you've recorded before. So what have you done with those old videos from past partners? And he said, I've deleted some and some I have on an old computer. And I've seen this old computer that he's talking about. He's mentioned very early on in our relationship, but that was his foreign computer. I thought it was just random porn that was downloaded and I had no problem with that. That piece of the conversation, the conversation kind of turned for about 20 minutes to a different

topic. And then I circled back and I said, well, where I was going with that question was really, are you still watching those videos? I didn't really expect him to say yes, although I guess there was part of me that did because I asked the question and he said, yeah, I do. I'm curious in your gut. It's like you said, you didn't expect him to say yes, but did your gut tell you that he most likely was

regardless of if he admitted it or not? Does that make sense? I really, yeah, I really don't know. Like if he would have said no, do you think he would have questioned his honesty? No, if he had said no, I wouldn't have believed him. Okay. Yeah, because he's been, I feel like really honest,

like I know that he's on OnlyFans, that hasn't been a secret. And if it was something, you know, I wouldn't even be upset if he still had the videos and it was something like, oh yeah, they're on an old computer. Like if you want me to go back and delete them, sure. But like I haven't opened up that computer in, you know,

a year or so, I just hadn't really thought about it. That's fine. Like we all have that old computer with old stuff that one day we shut that computer and never open it again. But basically through a series of questioning, I found out that he has been watching the videos about once a month. He says about the frequency. And you know, I travel a lot usually about once a month away. So I assumed that it was whenever I was traveling. And he couldn't really give me a super clear answer on that. He said it was you know, sometimes you're

traveling sometimes when you're just out of the house. And you clear answer on that. He said, sometimes when you were traveling, sometimes when you were just out of the house. And I asked him, I said, you're on OnlyFans, I'm fine with that. So why did you feel the need to go back and dig through these old videos? And he said, I wanted something more personal, which to me was just like another layer

that felt disrespectful. Yeah. All the things he could disrespectful. Yeah. Oh, all the things he could say. Yeah. Your boyfriend seems annoyingly honest, I guess. What is that? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he definitely wasn't defensive in my questioning.

And I think from his standpoint, he says he doesn't feel like he was doing anything wrong. Although, you know, I've said to him, there's a reason why I haven't found this out until now. You know, again, I've known about OnlyFans. This obviously has been kept from me. So you had to, on some level, know. Yeah, I guess, what is he, did you,

exactly, like, did you ask him, like, what did you think I would think about it? I don't think I asked him that particularly, but I said there had to have been a part of you that knew as you were watching it, if Colleen walked in right now and saw me watching these videos, she would not be happy. And he said, yeah, that was bad judgment on my part.

Okay, probably the nonest answer. Yeah. How do you feel about it? I guess, and what can I help with? Yeah, so where I'm at right now is I'm struggling if this is a reason to partially not trust him because I do feel like he's been very honest, again, through all my questioning.

I have asked him to delete the videos. He confirmed that he has deleted the videos. He said, without me asking, he said, I'm not gonna watch the videos again. He's acknowledged if you have a problem with it, then there is a problem with it. He foundationally like, you know, I don't think he sees the problem with it unless I have a problem with it. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but I'm struggling with is this a reason to not

trust him, not trust his judgment? Should I be questioning him on more things like being on OnlyFans or is this really just a matter of we see it differently in terms of what is respectful in a monogamous relationship? Yeah. These are all great questions. Your challenge or your issue, your questions, a lot of it is just subjective and it's just a matter of opinion. I think he's right in the sense that like for all the people listening right now,

and I haven't asked you why and we haven't gone into it, but you've said multiple times he's on OnlyFans. I would imagine there's several tens of thousands of women listening to this being like, I would never be okay with that. That doesn't mean you're wrong that you are. We've talked more and more on this show about non-traditional relationships, with that. That doesn't mean you're wrong that you are. It's just, you know, we've talked more and more on this show about non-traditional relationships, you know,

polyamory, open relationships, ethically non-monogamous, you know, all these different versions of opening up the relationship. For many people, for most people, that's like, that's a non-starter. That's something like I could never do that, you know. So it's not a matter of like, oh, should I, is this wrong? Should I be mad about this? Like that's an entirely up to you, you know? Like if you are a couple that you have communicated

and talked and you understand where each other's are coming from and you've expressed your expectations and boundaries and he respects those expectations and what you guys do in your relationship is very different, say, than a couple who is incredibly anti-porn. You know, like there are plenty of women out there who are just like flat out, non-starter, like, I don't want my partner watching porn. And they're not wrong.

That's something they're not comfortable with it. And there's, you know, a lot of valid reasons why that's a reasonable request for someone in a relationship to not want their partner watching porn. But doesn't mean you're wrong that you're okay with it. You know, it's every relationship's different. What matters is the upfront communication, the expectations, you know, are they being met? You know, is there honesty? Your boyfriend, I think you have a point, right? It's just like, I don't think he deserves a medal for honesty. You know, I don't think he's honest Abe here, you know, because there is a level of, of omission. And I think he is playing a little dumb, you know, I think men are dumb.

The most complicated men are overly simplistic still, especially when it comes to like sexual urges and things like that. And oftentimes when you ask a guy, why would you do something like that? The honest answer is often like, I don't know, I just wasn't thinking. You know, like that's probably the most honest answer sometimes. It doesn't make it right, doesn't make it okay.

And I don't mean like, you know, what were you doing when he's like, you know, let's say a guy was going to a strip club and decided to take the stripper in the back room and have sex with her. Like, I don't think, you know, oh, I wasn't really thinking that, that's not an excuse, but like, why a guy, why he went out, like, let's say,

like a guy who went on OnlyFans, you know, and downloaded it, and I know you're okay with it. And then his girlfriend caught him, like, what were you thinking? He's like, I don't know, I just was like, I was curious, you know? I don't think it's always like some sort of Machiavellian, like, you know, oh my God, what's wrong with you? Like how could you, you know, like the evilness, you know,

It's like he probably had a moment of weakness and he was horny and did something he shouldn't have done Especially if the expectation of that relationship that he wouldn't be doing something like that, right? So I think in your case, it's really important not to Compare your relationship to others. So it's not for me to say that you should be okay or not Okay with him on OnlyFans or watching porn. My question to you is, with regards to porn or OnlyFans specifically, why are you okay with it?

Is it just like it doesn't bother you or does it sometimes bother you but you choose to ignore it because you're like, you know what, what's the big deal? I don't wanna be that type of girlfriend. Are you ignoring feelings of uncomfortability with his OnlyFans or are you just completely indifferent to the fact that he does it?

Which is more true? Yeah, I think part of it was that, obviously it's something that he did while he was single prior to us being together. And I guess I was very naive. Up until recently, I didn't really question the OnlyFans piece. In my mind, he was watching these pre-recorded videos similar to you'd watch porn and that was that.

Well, through all this discussion with the sex tapes, I asked him, was he messaging with anyone OnlyFans? That wasn't really something on my radar or something I thought he would do. So when I asked him that, he said, well, I will write in and request certain things. I haven't asked to see the messages. I've been debating that to see like what kind of conversations or interactions he's having. To me, that would be crossing the line if he's just watching these videos. I really don't I really don't care. But it's more so like, are you really spending time interacting with these people versus just watching something that's already put out there?

You're crossing almost a line of maybe creating intimacy or creating some kind of connection. And it's not just him watching some old porn video. That's essentially just a movie, just adult content. This is more, it's just a personal request for someone to make him a custom video that he's willing to potentially pay extra for, right? Is that not how it works? It's like you-

I think so. I'm learning, recently learning really well what OnlyFans is. I never really questioned it because I assumed it was just mostly porn. With the sex tape, I think that that was something that he had done, you know, while he was single and something that he just continued to do through our relationship and never thought, okay, we're at the point where now we're living together. Like, where is the line where he

says now it's inappropriate? The thing is with the ex that there is definitely more baggage there. There's definitely like emotions still there for him that he has had to work through as he's transitioned into a new relationship, which I've given him the space for. But I think that's the other layer to it, that I'm like, you're circling back to this old relationship that I thought you were moving away from. It's been two years now since they broke up, but these sex tapes, it's like you're reliving it. So that was like the extra kind of like dagger in the heart for me that it wasn't just a random girl that he dated five years ago, you know, for a couple of months and he's watching these videos like these videos mean a lot to him. You know that or you feel that? I mean, I know this person that he dated for seven

years means a lot to him. You know, when we first started dating, he had expressed that, you know, he would like to have a friendship with her. She's not interested in that. At the time, I was okay with that. Now I've told him I would absolutely not be, given the circumstances. Did she end the relationship? He ended it and he feels badly for the way he went about it. He feels like he kind of did her dirty in the end.

How so? He moved to a different city for a job and he felt like he kind of did her dirty in the end. Also, he moved to a different city for a job. And he felt like he kind of left her where they were previously living kind of high and dry without any support, and was just kind of selfish in the breakup. So I think he has a lot of guilt around that. And so I think wanting a friendship is like his way of repairing and like feeling better about that guilt. But even when we moved in together,

there was a lot of emotions about, you know, feeling badly for how the last relationship ended. And, you know, just saying like, I've done this before. I moved in with somebody before and it hasn't ended well and kind of fear around that happening again. And I feel like I've been very understanding and supportive and helping him like move through that. Cause this is his first serious relationship since then

But yeah, like I said, I was okay with that thinking that he was moving forward But the videos feel like he's just living in the past Yeah, that's interesting. I mean the good news I think from what I'm hearing from you It's it's his feeling bad or his wanting to be friends with her as it sounds to me like it has less to do with his Feelings for her and more to do with his own personal feelings about the situation. You mentioned the guilt he had for how he handled it. It's not like I miss her. I'm basing this on what you're saying to me. That alone, if that is true, then it's more about his guilt or his feelings about the situation than his his feelings for her. And he can be watching these tapes of them having sex

without it being emotional and having beings totally, I don't know what it is, but there's a, as a guy, I can assure you that it could be straight sexual. Like it's, now the hard part of that, sexual or not, he's still watching that video, there's a layer of like, do you miss having sex with her? Like what about, you know what I'm saying? Like what about sex with her are you reminiscing about?

You know? And I asked him that, I said, you know, is there something from our relationship and our intimacy that you're missing that you get from these videos? And he said, no, I really don't feel like I'm watching the videos because there's something that I'm not getting with us.

He just said, you know. That can be true. That definitely can be true. And I don't expect it to make sense per se, but men more easily detach from sex. Like we know that. Like scientifically on average, that's a thing, you know? And so I do think men can, in this case,

watch a video of a sex with a past partner. I don't know how you feel about it, and I don't know how specifically women listen to this episode. Just thinking about that, if they were to watch a video of them with an old boyfriend, if they're like, oh my god, I could never, it would trigger so many emotions and feelings, you know,

and that could be true. I would say for like a lot of men, if it might be true for women, it doesn't necessarily, it's not necessarily true for men. Some, you know, it all depends. It really, you know, most, I think, forgetting about men and women, I think most of it is a case by case basis.

Like how does he feel about the relationship? But I'm just saying there is a world in which he's being honest about that. You know, where you don't have to question whether he's going down some emotional rabbit hole and missing her and missing the relationship or missing things about sex with her. It could just be, I guess, the best way to describe it.

Fun or a change of pace or more of a kink of, you know, I think men definitely have a notch on the belt mentality. I do think men is as barbaric and animalistic as it sounds. Like, there's a reason why and it's terrible, but like, you know, men who might pass around nudes of their girlfriends to their buddies, like I've never been that guy. I don't know why guys do it, but a lot of guys do it. And I think they do it because it's like a trophy. It's like, check out what I did. This girl who I'm hooking up with, look at her, whatever. And that's gross. And that's barbaric type of thing. But just so you know, in your case, I only bring it up because it would make sense that you're questioning about

what does this all mean in terms of his feelings and how deep does this go? Is this a sexual thing? Is this an emotional thing? You know what I'm saying? You're trying to be understanding, very understanding and open to the possibility that you're okay with your boyfriend having an interest and watching porn on some level of consistency and that has bled into OnlyFans,

which is not the same as traditional porn. And you're trying to figure out what's your comfort level with this. I think the answer to your question is like, the good thing you have going for you is it seems like so far is as uncomfortable as these conversations are, that your boyfriend isn't getting, he's talking with you. As long as you can believe him, he's right. If it bothers you, then it's wrong.

I love that answer from him. That's the best answer he could have given. Hopefully you can trust that he's being honest with that answer and that these videos that are now deleted and does that mean if you were to go to him and sit down and be like, can we just like kind of talk about like your porn watching? I'm not trying to lecture you, but I'm just trying to understand it because I'm realizing there might be things I'm not necessarily comfortable with and I don't want you know I realize we haven't necessarily talked about it so I don't want to sit there and be like what the fuck and how are you doing this because I guess we didn't talk about it and I've been okay with some things but like I'm realizing there's things I'm maybe just unaware of and I don't know how I feel

about it so can we just have an honest conversation about what exactly you are doing and hopefully you can continue to trust that he's going to be honest about that and then set some parameters around that. Yeah, I do think that makes sense as like kind of the next step in the situation. And this is honestly why I wrote in to get the male perspective because I've shared this situation with just a couple of girlfriends and of course they are ride or die for me. So their responses are you know absolutely not which I totally respect and appreciate them for their support but I've been you know only hearing one side of it. So it's very helpful to hear that you know

it's possible that this wasn't like some big like I don't want to say emotional cheating because it wasn't like another person was involved but that's kind of what I was playing with in my head. I'm like it's not physical cheating, it's not emotional cheating but was involved. But that's kind of what I was playing with in my head. I'm like, it's not physical cheating, it's not emotional cheating, but to me it kind of felt like cheating. But I understand that it probably didn't feel that way to him.

It's really hard for me to say. You know, I can't, emotional cheating, I think is, intent matters. I think it's pretty clear that he can't sit there and pretend, like you said, that if he gave it some consideration and considered your feelings, that he wouldn't sit there and pretend, like you said, that if he gave it some consideration and considered your feelings, that he wouldn't have at least suspected

that you would have an issue with that. You know? And I think that's pretty clear. But you're right, I don't know if that's necessarily the same as he went out with the boys one week and met a girl, exchanged a couple numbers, and for the past three weeks, he's been kind of weirdly

texting with the girl and developing feelings and maybe sent a nude back and forth. To me that's a lot different. Yeah, agreed. But again, this is such a subjective thing. It's really just a matter of, like your friends, it's kind of like, yeah, they're right or die for you. For your friends have been like, absolutely not. I would never, I can't say they're wrong for having that opinion, you know? But that's, there's a world where it's just like,

you know, your headline, like my boyfriend's watching videos of him having sex with his ex-girlfriend. There were probably 100,000 women immediately who said, break up listening to this episode. Like, fuck this guy, you know? Yeah, but I don't know if that's, I don't know if I would agree with that.

And again, it's really just up to you, what do you wanna do? But I'm just trying to look at what you have and what you don't have. What you have is that you seem to have fairly good communication with this guy and it seems like you still have trust, you know? And you have the right to be mad

because I think he wasn't as upfront as he should and could have been, but when presented with a tough question, most people, even people who eventually get to the truth might be like, no, I mean, I guess, yeah, fine. Even the first five seconds, they might be like, they might lie and realize, no, fuck, I don't know why I lied. This shit, I'm sorry. He didn't even do that. That's a good sign? And as awkward as this is, as uncomfortable it is, to me, the honesty is what comes down to it. You know, like, can you get, most, I don't think most couples realize

how much they can get through if they can still maintain the honesty and the trust. And when trust is broken, it's not so much trying to wish the whatever it was that broke the trust went away, it's building back the trust, you know? And not letting the act of whatever it was that broke the trust went away, it's building back the trust, you know, and not letting the act of whatever it is they lied about be the focus of what you're trying to fix.

And he has said, you know, if you ask a question, I'm always gonna be honest, this just hasn't been a question that I've asked in the past because I haven't thought to, so, you know, that just brings up the question of like, okay, what other questions should I be asking? But I think to your point of following up on the OnlyFans and figuring out what exactly is going on there

is probably the next kind of set of questions I haven't asked, I probably should. I think a fair thing for you to say to him would be, I appreciate your willingness to be honest. And when I ask tough questions, you're honest. But I also wanna be with someone who I feel like can consider my feelings without me having to question them all the time.

And to consider, especially when things might feel like a gray area, to ask me if I would be okay with it, as opposed to just being like, well, I never asked her and she never asked me, so until she tells me I can't do it, then it's a fair game. It's like, okay, well, if you never, have you guys talked about whether you'd be okay with him being an orangey? I didn't know I had to be asking this question.

Exactly. Yeah. So it's like, I think there's some nuance to some... There's clearly some conversations you guys need to continue to have. And maybe this is an opportunity to take your relationship to the next level. And I do think the only fans of it all, I think there's a world where you're just like, to be honest, I'm not really comfortable with it. You wanna watch porn, fine, but like,

they're, you know, to me, from what I know about OnlyFans, like they're, it's, yeah, like a lot of guys are, even if it's one way, you know, I imagine a lot of the OnlyFan creators who are, you know, making videos for guys and they have requests, like for all you know, they have assistants taking these requests.

And it's not like the content creators on the other side are building the relationships with the men that they're making videos for, but it doesn't really matter. It's an intimate thing to personalize their request and have someone comply. Even if it was AI, you know? Like as AI evolves, there are gonna be people,

and probably more men out there that are developing emotional connections with these with this artificial intelligence. And is it going to make, you know, their partner who hopefully is a real person feel any less cheated on just because the person they're building a connection with is artificial intelligence? I mean, these are obviously questions that are getting any weirder and very black mirror, but that's where the world's going. And it's fascinating when you think about it,

because your boyfriend has this like, well, we didn't really talk about it, so I didn't really know. And like what I just described when it comes to AI, it's like, there's gonna be so many of these conversations, a lot of men out there, mostly, I'm sure women, there's probably women who watch porn more than their male partners do, but there's gonna be a lot of conversations about like,

well, I didn't really think, what's the big deal? It's like, it's just, it's not real. It's like, you know, and you never told me you had a problem with it. You know what I'm saying? Eventually, it's gonna be a thing, and it's gonna be, you know, as it becomes more and more commonplace, there's gonna be a thing and it's gonna be, it becomes more and more commonplace.

There's gonna be more and more opinions that are gonna be more mainstream. Yeah, so I think, yeah, next session here, I'll just kind of figure out what's going on behind the scenes, the only vans, and then figure out what I'm comfortable with because, yeah, until now I haven't questioned it, but obviously there's also, I think,

information I don't know, so I'll try to get all the information so that we can move forward in a way that I'm comfortable with. So this sort of thing doesn't come up again in the future. I'm assuming you asked this because the two of you have made videos of each other, correct? Yeah. So I guess it's a fair question to,

and I don't know how you feel about that, but like I would imagine when you guys make these videos, you want there to be a feeling of it being unique and special and not just something you guys do as a kink, but a connection you guys share to some degree. Yeah. So for you to still be willing to do that and enjoy that experience,

it's like, hey, if you wanna have us still make videos, I don't wanna feel like I'm just another person you make videos with. I don't wanna be part of your Rolodex of sexual conquests. I wanted it to be something that we share as a couple. And for us to do that, I want it to feel special or unique and I need to know that you're not collecting all these old videos, you know?

And if some of it happened between us, like you don't want him to have all these videos. Yeah, and he had said, you know, we haven't filmed until recently. So I had asked, you know, why didn't you watch our videos? Why did you go back to your ex-girlfriends videos? And he said, he's like, I've been trying to think of when the last time I did watch my ex's videos.

And I can't remember if it was before or after you and I had first filmed, you know, he couldn't remember if it was two months ago or a month ago. So there was a little bit of comfort there knowing it's not like we've been filming ourselves for nine months. And then he's also been,'s also been for nine months watching his ex's videos. It's very believable that he hadn't watched it in a very long time. And it's very believable that he didn't watch it consistently. It's also believable, it's not true, but it is believable that he had only watched it a few times, sporadically out of boredom or curiosity.

And by boredom and curiosity, it's just like, it crossed his mind. He's like, oh yeah, I got that video. He went back and watched it, did his thing, and didn't put much thought into it. But that's part of the problem. He didn't consider your feelings. And that is a problem. And that's something you have a right to

address so interesting yeah very very helpful like I said I've been hearing when when the end of the spectrum and you know they're already set fire to the situation I want to be clear you have the right to feel whoever you want and there's not a right or wrong way I just you, you know, I'm not here to tell you how to feel about the situation, and if you shared in your frustrations with your friends, you would be justified in doing so. But from what I'm hearing from you,

I think you can believe a lot of what your boyfriend is saying. And you can believe what he's saying, and you can still have a problem with his answers, and then you can sit down and talk with him and set new expectations about what you are and then you can sit down and talk with him and set new expectations about what you are and what you're not comfortable with with the expectation that he's going to respect those new boundaries that you communicate with him. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. All right.

Thank you for the call. Fascinating stuff. Definitely would love an update to see, you know, what how that conversation goes and what that does to your relationship. I mean, not an ideal situation, but in a weird way, you guys can grow from this. This could build trust and communication. It's a very comforting feeling. It's weird, it's foreign, but the more mature your relationship is,

the more willingness you are to have some of these uncomfortable conversations. And I just think it's one of those things where when you really think about where your mind goes sometimes, or what you fantasize about, you know, or as a young woman, you know, I don't know where you live or if it's a city,

but like if you saw a guy that you found really attractive walking down the street and your boyfriend's not with you like you might check him out, you know, you might have a thought, you know It's like a human nature thing to like, you know, I think sometimes we've wildly discount The random thoughts that pop into our head and where we let our brain go, you know And then we just you know, we don't do anything with it. We let it go. We pass, you know, pass it by. We don't indulge.

We don't, you know, follow through. But like, I only say that because a lot of times when our partners do these kind of weird or sometimes what we, you know, I bet your friends are calling it creepy or gross or how could he, but it's the how could he question. As my point, like when you would say, well, how could they? Well, think about the shit that pops in your head,

or the, it's just like we are, as humans, sometimes we can have these crazy ass thoughts. Again, not to justify what he's doing, but like sometimes we like to shame and judge people for their kinks or sexual desires. Where in fact, we all have them. It's just about how we communicate them. And then once, I guess what I'm saying is when you get to a point in a relationship

where you can comfortably talk about these things with each other without shame and judgment, and even if sometimes through those conversations, your partner admits something that either hurts your feelings or makes you question certain things. If you can get to a place where you still feel like your partner's being honest about this and you guys can openly communicate on these topics, it does make the bond stronger. You do feel safer with your partner because you recognize like of course they think about this shit. Because I think about this shit. The only difference between us and another couple is we're not afraid to talk about it. We don't pretend that we don't have these thoughts sometimes. So it's a balancing act because that's also an element of like,

something our therapist tells Nellie and I, you guys don't have to tell each other every thought that you have because sometimes that could lead to you guys going down a rabbit hole. Because sometimes our thoughts don't need to always be shared. But it's just acknowledging sometimes we have these thoughts and then just recognizing that like as humans, that's when we ask ourselves, well, how could you think that? If you put yourself in their shoes, maybe you could figure it out. Hopefully that all made sense. I don't know.

Yeah, no, absolutely did, yeah. And you were spot on in terms of like the, oh, that's creepy, gross, you know, like freaky in terms of like what he did. But yeah, to your point, it didn't have to have that much meaning behind it. And I believe him when, you know, I believe his answers,

I believe that there wasn't much to it beyond that. And it's just hard, you know, being on the other end of it and just thinking like, I would never do that. I would think that that was absolutely completely inappropriate in a relationship, but obviously two different viewpoints on it. Yeah, and like your needs might be different or your friend's needs might be different.

And like, I don't know who your friends are and I don't know what their dating history is, but like these friends right now who have your back, you know, there's a world where maybe one of those friends five years from now cheats on their partner. And their reasoning for cheating might be very different than what your partner was doing. And again, you know, men and women are different. Women cheat, men cheat, I think, sometimes for the same reasons and they're often for different reasons. Sometimes men cheat because they're just horny and bored and stupid. And a lot of times women cheat because emotionally their needs aren't

being met and it's not that they're looking for sex in other places, they're looking for connection in other places. It doesn't make it more, you know, I guess you could say well it's less weird or less kinky or less whatever but it doesn't make it any less wrong, you know. So it's, everyone does it for different reasons. And sometimes people cheat because it has nothing to do with emotion. It has to do with, you know, like past trauma or, you know, like it's an outlet that they, you know, they formed a toxic habit or whatever it is, self-sabotage.

You know, there's a little bit, this goes on and on and on and on and on. The point is everyone's different. And, but it's very easy to cast judgment on people and forgetting about the things that cross our brain and what we're capable of. So, all right. Well, thank you again. Interesting story. Please keep us posted how it goes. Yeah, I will update you. Thank you so much. All right. Take care.

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This episode is brought to you by Again, shipstation.com, code VIOFILES. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. There is no bad time to take care of your mental health. If you're going to the gym, if you're watching your diet, well then you are missing out on that third element of your overall health and that is your mental health. I know it can be intimidating, it can be expensive, it can be a little scary, that's where BetterHelp comes in.

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to sign an NDA before our second date. Is your ex, Maureen, also a celebrity? No, not at all. Did he explain why? So initially when he first asked me to sign the NDA, it was because we were talking on the phone and he was just telling me stuff about the company he started with his friends. And he said I could sell that information

to their competitors. And so he wanted me to sign an NDA. So he's already told you. Yeah. And then later on, on the, on our like first date, he shared something illegal that happened on one of their business trips. And I said, Oh, is that why you want me to sign an NDA? And he's like, oh yeah, honestly, that's why. I never signed it because I wasn't really about to do that. What was the illegal thing? This is the opposite of an NDA, the guy on a national podcast.

He and his business partners, they said something about getting involved with gangsters or the mob in whatever country this business trip took place. So basically he's like an ex, this is like out of a movie, like an ex-military who is making a career on being like a hired gun? I really don't know. So their company is essentially, they plan trips and the people that go on the trips, pay the flat rate and then they are their guides.

They take them to do a bunch of activities and they go to a cool place and they just organize all of it. And then they also do security stuff on the side. So I don't know really why they needed to be an NDA. I mean, it sounds like, yeah, they're hired help and maybe that's for being bodyguards or some kind of mission. But the fact that they seem to be employed by people who are nefarious or in some sort of organized crime means that he's participating in potential

criminal activity. It's like if the people who hire him, ask him to do something, they're like, all right, well, it's like I don't ask questions. I just do the thing I'm hired for. Which you see a lot in movies, but it's probably like I literally, I watched The Beekeeper last night, the new Jason Statham movie. It's like if you want to watch someone kick ass,

but literally in this movie, he ends up fighting former Navy Seals who are, they just hire, it's just like, you know, if you want to watch someone kick ass, but literally in this movie, he ends up fighting like former Navy SEALs who are, you know, they just hire, you know, it's just like, and then beekeeper like, do you know who I'm working for? And the, and the former Navy SEALs guy is like, I don't ask questions, you know, like it's just like, it really reminds me of what you're talking about. What is your instinct tells me? I mean, like the obvious answer is maybe this sounds like someone who's like not safe or maybe someone you should be hanging out with, but maybe you're like excited because it's

a mysterious and fun and you know, he's a bad boy. It was interesting to me at first because I am like an adventurous person. I really like to travel. I've lived lots of different places. And so I liked the idea of the company in general, especially because he says that they started it. And that's part of why he said, oh, you need to sign in DTA. Like people are out to get us

because our company is so good. So I think that's what attracted me. But also like our first date was really good where we just had really long conversations in depth. And I love just meeting new people. I love talking to new people. And I felt like we had that connection. And he just seemed very interested in me

and interested in pursuing me. But maybe I am kind of worried now after this experience that maybe my taste in men is a little bit questionable. I wouldn't beat yourself up. I mean, yeah, I don't like, you didn't know this going in. Yeah. You would not be the first person

to find danger to be exciting. You are recognizing that, you know, instead of signing the NDA, at least you're asking around. But the obvious answer is like, yeah, don't sign it, maybe don't hang out with this guy again. Well, so I didn't end up signing it, and there was kind of an incident that happened that is what was making me. So you've told him no already?

Well, I never told him no, but I just never signed it. And then something happened, which is making me just like, is what makes me question everything and how I handle these types of situations with dating. So during this first date, I have a bracelet that fell off and it was really important to me. My mom got it for me from Australia. And he told me like, oh yeah, I have it.

You can come get it soon. But then a couple of days after this happened, he said that he was going to South Carolina to Myrtle beach to close on a house. And he had told me he owns a couple of other properties, that's rental properties. So I didn't think it was that weird. But then he said, like, I don't know when I'm coming back.

So I said, okay, can I come get my bracelet before you leave? And he said, well, I've already left. So I was like, okay, this is a little fishy, but I just said, okay, let me know when you're back in town, call me while you're gone. I'd like to still like talk to you or care how things are going."

And he said, like, absolutely. And then like two weeks went by and I didn't hear anything. So I texted him. At this point, I was kind of like, I don't think he's interested in me if he hasn't reached out to me in two weeks, but I really don't want to like lose this bracelet. So I texted him, no response, called and left a voicemail basically saying like, it's okay if you're if you don't want to talk to me but I just really want my bracelet back so I'm going to stop by your house and pick it up let your business partners know or you know like be ready for that I'm going to stop by. His business partners are also his roommates? Yes, stop by. His business partners are also his roommates? Yes. I met them all at a get-together. Yeah. So far this all seems reasonable. That's what I thought. I

don't think I'm crazy and I thought it was kind of weird that like a text, a phone call, a voicemail where I was very much like I just want this one thing it's okay that you're ghosting me. Like I thought he would at least be like, yeah, you're fine to pick it up. Any response, but nothing. So I went over to the house on a weekday, like 4.30 PM. His roommates had no idea I was coming

and they like remembered me, but they're like, oh, like what are you doing here? And I said, oh, I left my bracelet here. I didn't hear from this guy, but like, I just want to grab it and go. And they're like, oh yeah, sure. Come on in. And they let me go into his room. And I felt a little uncomfortable just like searching through his room. So I wasn't really like opening drawers or anything. I was looking around on like the, on the dresser in the bathroom, whatever. And I found some questionable stuff. I found like a box of bikinis, just like a bunch of

bikinis, found like a glittery phone case. I found panties on the ground, a bra hanging on the bathroom door, the card of an FBI agent laying around. And so at this point, I was very weirded out. And I was thinking like, does he have a girlfriend? And like, what's going on? Does he just steal women's belongings and then hold them hostage? I don't think it's something to kick out of it. I don't know. So I couldn't find it. His roommate called him for me. When we eventually found it,

I asked if I could like talk to him on the phone. You found the bracelet? I found it, yeah. Okay, thank God. Yes, I have it back. So then on the phone, I asked him, I was like, yo, like what's going on? And he said, I told you I would call you when I got back.

And I said, well, you said that you would call me while you were gone. And also it's been a couple of weeks, so I was worried. And I called you and you didn't respond or anything. And he said, well, I was working. I was busy, I was busy dealing with the house. Sure. And I was like, okay, but like,

I still feel like that's not okay. I said like, you don't really know me that well. And that's also something I told him multiple times, kind of if we were like talking on the phone or when we met, he would kind of say things or ask questions. And I would say like, you can't really say that or ask me that, like you don't know me very well yet. Like that's very personal. And so I said that I said, you don't know me.

And this is kind of a disrespectful way to treat somebody when you have Something that belongs to them When you leave just like randomly out of state and he was like, oh, I don't know what to tell you I told you I'd call you and then I got kind of mad and I like that You're 28 grow up be better and he hung up on me Haven't been since I don't know if it was because- Are you still in his bedroom when this conversation is happening? Yes. So I don't know, maybe that wasn't the best thing for me to say, but I was just really angry.

I just feel like I have this history of dating where I will date kind of older, but it's not, they aren't really equipped to be mature or respectful, I guess. Yeah, I mean, 28, hit or miss, you know. I guess so. Yeah, so I don't know if it was- And I don't know, you know, in someone who's ex-military, I don't know what his background is

or what he's been through, but like, you know, it's a mixed bag and what you might what the What the results might or the effect, you know Yeah, he also said he has like head trauma that he's currently being tested for and treated So I don't know if it was like he forgot about me. I don't know I don't think it's that complicated. I think yeah, maybe there's some serious baggage there. He's a 28-year-old fuck boy, basically, who might have a couple more screws loose in some serious trauma and literally could be dangerous. I don't know. Who also may or may

not be actually involved in illegal activity. So much so that he actually asked you to sign an NDA. So there's nothing really to figure out here other than this guy isn't good for you. And then maybe the other thing to figure out is why is it so hard for you to see the obvious? I think because I am just a very open and honest person and I enjoy meeting people and I can be very outgoing that when I like meet somebody new we connect and we have good conversation and if I

am like interested in them romantically then I get like excited and I think oh this person will treat me as honestly as I would treat them. Well like if I'm not interested in anybody anymore I will let them know like I'm not going to leave somebody online. I'm gonna say something that is gonna sound, I'm joking, but I'm not joking. And I'm deliberately being harsh. And I'm only saying it because you kinda said it to him. But grow up. Don't be that naive.

You know what I'm saying? Just because, no, you're like, why, if I'm nice to them, shouldn't they be nice to me? That's not how the world works. You know what I'm saying? Like, just because, no, you're like, why, if I'm nice to them, shouldn't they be nice to me? That's not how the world works. You know what I'm saying? That's a very naive kind of childish view on how people are. You know, you can call it cynical,

but like that is the reality. It's just like, you can't expect people to treat you just because you're nice and you're empathetic or you're considerate doesn't mean people are gonna treat you that way. And also like just because you have chemistry with someone, chemistry is not very reliable. It's easy to manufacture and fake.

Chemistry and wanting to have sex with someone isn't much. And yet we give it so much more than we should. It's like, well, I had chemistry and then I, you said, well, if I have chemistry with someone and I'm interested in something romantic, it's just like, what is that? What is that? Again, like that's, it's not to you,

that was a couple hours of good conversation and you thinking he was hot. You know, you liking his tattoos. You know what I'm saying? So give yourself more credit and you know, I'm saying this facetiously, but grow up a little bit. You know, like don't be that, and you know that. Like you know, you don't need me saying that to you.

Like you're obviously an intelligent person. Like you, this is, I'm saying, this is obvious to you. You know, I'm just reminding you of the obvious. My question then is, I think I struggle with telling the difference between a guy who really is interested in pursuing you versus someone who it's like. Consistency. Just like easy.

Well, that's what it was at first because it was like. Well, consistency isn't three days or two weeks or even a month. You know, I mean, consistency over a period of time. Not consistent for three days, you know, or two weeks. You know, meeting a guy and him wanting you to sleep over every night for 15 days isn't him being consistent.

That's him being reactive and spontaneous. Consistency is over the course of a longer period of time. And consistency doesn't mean fast pace. Consistency can mean honestly slow and consistent is better than fast and consistent. One date followed by a couple days of conversation, consistency. We're like, yeah, we've been on four dates on a somewhat consistent basis over the course of six weeks. That's consistency. And then in that, we've slowly started talking more over text and phone, and I'm consistently getting to know him, and there aren't gaps in his communication and he's not leaving for trips and that I don't really know where he is and that's not consistent. I've had it on that end too where like there was one time I was seeing a guy for about

like three, four months and it was like that where it wasn't like texting all the time. I wasn't like briefing over all the time, consistent dates. And it still ended up with him saying basically like, I wasn't sure about you. I haven't been sure about you. I don't like, I've had it both ways. Sure, but you're gonna hate this answer, but there's just not a huge difference

between two weeks and four months. And I know that's probably discouraging. It's like, well, fuck, man, how can I even tell? And we've talked about this recently on the show. Unfortunately, I don't think, when it comes to dating, I think hookup culture has drastically warped everyone's perception of commitment. And I think even men, more men these days,

seem to be terrified of the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend and they need to know that they're gonna wanna marry you before they actually wanna have any expectations of them. And I don't know how to change that, I don't have answers for you, but you are only 23. And I don't know, you probably feel, you know, I don't know, compared to 21, feels older,

I'm sure, you know, but like, you're young and you don't need to find love tomorrow, you know, or in a year or two. And again, maybe you don't wanna hear that, but it just might take some trial and error, you know? And that guy you dated for four months, I don't know the history of that relationship, but there's probably things you could have learned.

There are probably things that you could have paid attention to to get your answer faster. I don't know. But you look back, and I don't know in that moment you're just like, why I invested four months to this guy. You know what I see when I'm talking to you? I just see a single 23-year-old person who has a lot of life in front of them.

And whatever life you've experienced up into this point that didn't work out, you know, and I'm sure in the moment there was frustration and like, I can't, why did I do that or I wasted my time with you. But like, as someone, you know, to sound like, you know, the big brother or the old guy, but like that's just life. That's you living life. That's you having lived experiences. That's you learning about things. That's you learning about things. That's you meeting people and learning more about yourself and learning about situations and learning how to better trust yourself and make healthier choices. And nowadays people aren't settling down at 20 and 21 and 22.

So you're no further behind than anyone else. And so all you can do instead of getting frustrated at these guys is better understand why you're making certain choices. And I'm assuming that's why you're calling and doing that, but it's as good not to get discouraged, you know, or swear off Ben or, or, or, or have unrealistic expectations, you know, meeting people takes time, you know, and you might meet a handful of most likely you'll meet a handful of a bunch of guys who aren't your guy before you land on someone who is. What could I do differently in the beginning to I guess see more clearly

what just like pay attention to consistency? Yeah, ask questions. You're not gonna find out right away. You know, like you're, part of it is you're gonna have to be willing to get to know the wrong men. You know? That sounds exhausting. It is, it is. And that have to be willing to get to know the wrong men. You know? It sounds exhausting. It is. It is. And that's why you take breaks. But you know, I always compare like dating to working out. Working out is literally exhausting. I mean, if you're working out efficiently. But as a means to end, and you know, most people work out to maintain a healthy physical,

you know, to keep their body healthy, you know, but the actual workout itself for most people, unless you're like some gym rat or you like love running or cardio, most people are just like, fuck, I gotta work out again. But you do it because you know it has long-term benefits for your health. And dating, you know, can be fun.

And yes, there are stories. And yeah, when we're in relationships relationships sometimes we miss the excitement of dating but at the end of the day dating is a means to an end. It is exercising certain muscles. It is something you do to get to a place where you want to go. And so yeah, it can be exhausting but that doesn't like, there's no point in being like, oh I fucking hate it. It just kind of takes breaks when you get exhausted. What are some, like, I just, I'm tired of feeling like disrespected and almost like my time is important. And that's what I felt with the situation is like,

somebody who was interested in me, even though I like clearly said like, you're off the hook, it's fine. Like it still was like this struggle just to get my face to be respected. In this situation, you said you felt disrespected, right? You need to have more clear expectations for yourself and stronger boundaries.

In this situation, you went on a date with this guy, right? And then before a second date, he asked you to sign an NDA, red flag, weird. Why? Your instincts were right, you didn't sign the NDA, but despite saying no to the NDA, you still didn't say no to him. And then despite him being like, hey, by the way, P-Side, I'm leaving for two weeks. And even though you were like, where are you going? And why are you going? And why aren't you available? You just kind of ignored that. And you were like, well, call me if you want. And he didn't.

And then instead of being like, well, that's the answer. Okay, I got my answer. I want to clear this guy's not interested or whatever. And even if he is interested, he's interested on hurt his terms. He's fuck boy interested, you know, but he's not interested in the way I want a guy to be interested in me, you know?

So instead of like that being your answer, you did the thing that most people do. It's like you needed him to tell to tell your ego was like no. I want him to tell me he's uninterested I need to hear it from him I'm gonna show up at his fucking door and I'm gonna snoop it, you know And I'm gonna I'm gonna do the thing, you know But like why'd you have to like why did have to get to that point for you to just be like this guy's not This is not my guy Yeah, I mean I like I I feel like it's a cop out for men

where they, especially nowadays, just the way technology and social media. If you wanna, if- It's like they gotta tell me, like they can't just- Sure, I get it, and it's frustrating. Especially when they have something I don't really mind. I understand it. And we, I I was I promise yeah I was thinking about this a lot

lately and I was figuring out a time and when to say this or how to say it and what episode to say it and I don't know if it's gonna come out well but like two things that I realized that really changed my life and really made me just a generally happier person and one one is, it's just like realizing that if I spent way more energy holding myself accountable rather than trying to hold other people accountable, it was just a much better use of my energy. Trying to hold other people accountable and there's a time and a place for it, you know. But it takes way more energy to do. And if you just took that energy, because your energy isn't infinite, it's limited,

there's only some energy as a tangible thing. It's a very tangible, limited thing. And it's way more effective and productive and a way better use of your time and energy and time and energy are generally the same thing, to focus on what you can control. And the second thing that really helped me be a happier person was understanding that I have the power to control my thoughts, that I can change my perspective on how I see a situation. I don't have to like give it, you know, and those thoughts are usually ego driven thoughts.

Instead of like why this guy treat me this way, why did he do this? He disrespected me. It was far more productive to be like, well, I kind of disrespected myself. And listen, if you want to moonlight as a social justice, like crime fighting warrior for all women to hold all men accountable,

and you know, I'm not gonna stop you, but I don't know how much happiness you're gonna get from it. And you are far better off focusing on holding yourself accountable, thinking about your choices, what you could have done differently in this decision. I'm not trying to let this guy off the hook, but he's not your problem.

You weren't brought on this earth to hold him and other fuckboys accountable. And you can hold them accountable by just like keeping, maintaining your peace and not giving shitty men or people access to your energy, you know, when they show you that they don't deserve it. And that's what you did. You know, he kept showing you this, there's a bunch of red flags. And instead of accepting his actions, your ego is like, well, let's find out more. And your ego is like, well, fine, you disrespect me, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna show him, you know, like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna let you know, what did you show him?

Like, What did you show them? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So, it's a tough choice. And honestly, to this day, I have to remind myself of this lesson I learned way back when about, hey, that's right, I actually have control over my choices. I have control over my thoughts. I can change how I think about a situation. Because feeling like I was wronged, and it doesn't mean you're wrong. It doesn't mean you're wrong that you were wrong. But

what are you doing? Okay, great. You were wrong. Get away. Listen, I probably am saying a lot of things. We now live in a time where if you want to make yourself a victim of any situation, the options are limitless. There are a million reasons why for any situation of why something is not your fault. But I have found in life that that is a poor use of my energy. And back to the, do you want to be ready? Do you want to be happy? I've continued to try to remind myself that being right hasn't gotten me very far, and it hasn't made me very happy, you know?

So it really just all comes down to the ego? Yeah, yeah. Most things do, but you're further ahead in life than I was when I was your age, if it makes you feel any better. It does, but then again, that is an ego boost. Sure. Well, listen, your ego isn't a bad thing.

You just have to learn how to control it. Your ego is going to be the same thing that makes you accomplish things that you didn't even realize. You know, it gives you a sense of belief in yourself. You know, it fights the imposter syndrome that we all deal with from time to time. It makes you think that you're capable of things you never imagined for yourself. You just have to learn how to control it.

You just have to learn how to take a beat. And in certain situations where your ego is like, no, I want answers, I deserve answers. I need justice. That you say, well, what is that gonna bring me? And would my energy and thoughts around whatever this topic is, would be better served thinking about, well, what could I have done differently? And the different isn't about like, how could it, you know, when you ask yourself

about this guy, what could I have done differently? You couldn't have done different. You can't make someone like you or appreciate you or respect you, but you can respect yourself more. You can be happier with your choices. You can limit people's access to you, especially when you figure out pretty quickly they don't deserve it. And those are just things that you learn over time and you will always have to work on it. You'll never master it. Oh, that's encouraging. on it. You'll never master it. Oh, that's encouraging. But you can get a lot better at it. And most people make no progress. You said, oh, he's a 28-year-old guy. This guy could be a 50-year-old guy. And still, most people never get to the

point where they even recognize their ego or acknowledge that maybe their best, that constantly finding reasons why things aren't their fault or there's someone else to blame, it hasn't brought them any peace. Giving me a lot to think about. Yeah, it's, and this is not to say there are a lot of real victims out there from a lot of shitty people.

This is just about personal happiness. That other people whose jobs it is to hold people accountable do their job, it's not yours. Do you think I should just also be maybe like less trusting of people's intention initially? Sure, if your barometer is that they're nice to you and that you would do for them, that you should trust them because that's what you would do

then yes, then that's the back to like grow up, you know? Like, I don't think you should trust them because that's what you would do, then yes, then that's the back to like grow up. You know, like, I don't think you should be cynical, but like, just it's actions over words, you know? It's just like, don't give people the benefit of the doubt just because you would do the same thing. People aren't you. How do you balance not being cynical, but not just like trusting?

Well, that is between being cynical and realistic. I, you know, some people prefer to think to me as cynical, I just think I'm fucking realistic and honest. The world isn't some rosy fairy tale place. There's bad people. And what's even actually scarier is that it's not the bad people. It's the decent people who make bad decisions all the time. It's the normal people who aren't necessarily good or bad, but we, as a society, we're more and more and more self-centered and more selfish.

And everyone out there is suffering from main character syndrome, and everyone is worried about how the world, you know, what the world owes them, how things have affected them. And that's a tough road to navigate, because when you're thinking about yourself, he's thinking about himself. He's just like, well, there's a world where he thinks that you wronged him. How dare she go into my bedroom

without my permission and blah, blah, blah. I don't know. I don't know how he's seeing this thing. Not your problem. But there's a world where you could spend a lot of energy thinking about how he's seeing this. Well, where does that get you? So you can be realistic about a situation and you can be realistic about that, like

that the world isn't some like fairy tale place that only everyone means well, but you can still recognize that there are good people, then you can get better at reading who those people are. You can, you know, we now live in a time that we don't, we don't value character anymore. We value people who agree people are. We now live in a time that we don't value character anymore. We value people who agree with us. And as soon as someone says something that we disagree with, there's across the political spectrum, it's just like, oh, they're terrible or fuck them. We'll label them. If you're on one side of the aisle, you're radical this or radical that,

or maybe they just have a different value system, maybe they have a different faith, but maybe they are high character people. And there's a lot of low character people who you might agree with, but we now live in a time where it's like, well, as long as they agree with me, they vote the way I vote, or they do what I, you know, then they're good.

Doesn't that, no, I don't see that that way, they vote the way I vote or they do what I, then they're good. I don't see that that way, but that's just me. I'm kind of going off on a tangent now, but the point is, get better at trusting yourself, get better at asking questions, taking things slow. And when people show you who they are, believe them, you know, when someone does something that's like, that seems weird, then it's probably, you know, you ask a question or two, but don't try, you know, the common thing a lot of people do. It's like, as soon as you ask yourself, when you tell yourself,

you meet a guy and you say, I feel chemistry with him, that's not a green flag. You know, that is more than anything, a red flag. You know, that is more than anything a red flag. You can still be excited, but like, okay, when you say, oh, I feel chemistry with this guy, that is an alarm bell to yourself that like I am at risk of making poor decisions because of the chemistry I feel, and I am more prone to making excuses for their actions because of the chemistry I feel. So, I'm gonna just be aware of that. And so I'm gonna ask more questions

and I'm going to just take their answers at face value and I'm going to listen to my body and when something feels off, I'm going to believe my body. Good advice for me, honestly. Yeah, and listen, you're gonna make mistakes, you're gonna get it wrong, you'll, you know, again, this is a never ending journey. But if nothing else, again, reminding myself that like my energy is best served looking in the mirror and recognizing that I have the ability to control my thoughts, not sound dramatic, it kind of changed my life.

So well I've been trying to implement that in my life. Well when you do, you just give yourself some patience and grace because it's not that easy. Doesn't seem like it. But you can do it. Thank you. All right so are we going to block this guy maybe? Oh, yeah. I'm not even considering it as an option anymore. But are we going to block him? I already like deleted his number and stuff, so. Oh, okay. Because there's a good chance he reaches out again. You think so?

You're saying that you're like, you think so? Really? I don't think so after what I said to him. Eh, you challenged him. Now he wants to prove to you that he's not the piece of shit. I don't know. He might not. I don't know. He might. But like, trust me. Yeah, don't put that idea in my head. Well, it's a warning, not something for you to hope for. It is just so you know, he might reach out and if he does,

don't let it fill your ego and don't let it feel like another chance. Yeah, yeah, okay. I think that's something I tend to do also is I'll give guys multiple chances. Yeah, he just wants to have a chance to get the last word. Yeah, just wants to have a chance to like get the last word. Yeah then I'll block his number. All right okay. Well thanks for the call.

Thank you for having me on. No my pleasure it was an interesting story. All right. Have a good day. You too. Bye bye. Steve right. Steve, our dog, he eats absolutely everything. And thank God we have ASPCA, pet insurance. Yeah, we've heard too many horror stories about dogs eating things they're not supposed to, and then that results in very pricey, costly procedures. So thank God we haven't had to do that with Steve, but also thank God that we have ASPCA to protect us

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but my gut's saying probably. Well, tell me the story and we'll figure it out together. Okay. I was dating a guy for about two months and it was pretty serious compared to my other situationships and everything I'd been going through for the past year and a half. And he the first person my parents met for over six years. So it's kind of a big deal. And we were fine. Everything was going great. One day after work, we got dinner

together. And he told me he had a couple issues. And we talked it through. It felt like it was resolved. I call him as we were leaving the restaurant to tell him I was gonna meet up with a friend and he sounded really sad. So I asked him what was going on and he just said he has to think if he can make me happy and he needed time to think. And for the next three days after that,

he did not talk to me. I tried to call him. He said, I still don't know. He told me that I was like his dream girl. But once he got me, it was not what he was expecting, I guess. And so one night I was out with my friends and I had a couple drinks and I texted him that I got my answer. And then I called my ex boyfriend. He came over and we slept together. Okay.

Yeah. Well, I mean, technically it doesn't sound like you cheated, technically. But I don't know if that really matters. I mean, like what the label is. Have you heard from your, was he even your current boy? Was he your boyfriend? Yeah, we had been official for over a month.

Okay. He'd been pursuing me for a year. And when you sent that text of I got my answer, was that like you in your mind at that moment saying we're broken up or I'm ending things or that was me feeling rejected for three days and lashing out. Yeah. And yeah, I absolutely regret that with everything in me because it was such a mistake. Would you say it's safe to say that, curious, like you reached out to your ex, why did you

reach out to him? Was it because it was convenient? You were comfortable with him? You knew he would say yes? Was it just about getting back at your boyfriend? No, it wasn't to like hurt him at all. It wasn't like premeditated about him. It was more just like, the ex that I slept with,

he is very bad for me. There was some abusive things that went on, but he is also obsessed with me, and so I knew that he would come over, I guess. It was super impulsive and just awful. Okay, well, Okay. Well, you know, it makes sense though. I mean, you weren't being validated by your boyfriend, you felt rejected. And yeah, you gave in to, you know, I guess, ego-driven thoughts and you needed that fix of validation and as toxic and as bad for you as he might be. It sounds like you knew that deep down,

you would get that short-term fix of feeling desired and feeling like everyone's different, but at times it can feel good to be around someone that is quote unquote obsessed with us, especially when we're feeling rejected in other areas. Yeah. Have you told your, so where do things stand with your boyfriend now?

Oh, ex now, I guess. He hasn't talked to me since I texted him the breakup of all things. Everything about the situation is- So you haven't even, forgetting about the fact that you slept with your ex-boyfriend, let's say that never happened. He never responded to that?

To my texts? Yeah. He said something like, "'Wow, you won't give me more time to think. And then I just texted back. It's been three days. I got, I got your answer. I was not of my sound mind. I was, I don't think you're forgetting about the fact that you slept with your toxic, abusive acts and, you know, and obviously you have feelings about that and probably felt a little icky and whatever.

But as far as your current, or now ex-boyfriend too, it's like he wouldn't talk to you. Are you wrong for saying that you did get your answer? To me that sounds like you're, despite how you handled it and how you reacted to it, but yeah, you kind of did. What does he need to figure out? How is he figuring it out?

What is he doing to figure it out? What did he expect a relationship with you to be? Do you have any of those answers? None, no, cause he wasn't ready to talk about it cause those couple days I would call him and like I just need more time to think. I don't even know what that meant. And like literally two days,

no a day before we went out to that dinner, he hung out with my family until midnight. We were like playing games and it was, I don't get what happened. And then we just haven't talked. How old is with my family until midnight. We were like playing games and it was, I don't get what happened. And then we just haven't talked. How old is he? He's 33. You're 28?

Yeah. What was his relationship? He's a dad too. He's a dad? Okay. Yeah. What was your relationship history? What was, okay, he's a dad. So he's been married or? Yeah. He got divorced two or three years ago. What are you hoping to figure out on this call?

Like what can we help out with? I'm trying to just figure out if it's technically cheating. And I know that sounds so stupid because why does that like technically matter? It just, it feels like it was cheating. I feel like you cheated on yourself. Yeah, I knew when I sent him that message that I already wanted my ex to come over.

So that's, it felt like cheating. And that's important for you to acknowledge because there's no, you know, you're not with this guy anymore. There's no fidelity police out there that are going to bang on your door and being like, hey, you're under arrest for cheating technically on your boyfriend. That's not happening. You know what I'm saying? So like, I think it's healthy that you're trying

to understand your decisions. I hope that's what you're trying to do, to hopefully make healthier ones in the future. You know, I don't know if it does you any good to decide whether you quote unquote, cheat or not, so that you therefore can label yourself as a cheater and then shame yourself I you know I hope that's not what you're trying to do

but if you're just trying to simply understand why you made the decisions that you did and Knowing that you reached out to your ex who you know isn't good for you that doesn't deserve you You know for everything he's done to you in the past but yet you you let your feelings of everything he's done to you in the past, but yet you let your feelings of inadequacy or feelings of not feeling desired by your current boyfriend affect your decision making. I think that's healthy and important

to try to understand why and how you did that. One of the reasons he told me he felt like he couldn't satisfy me is because I have a high sex drive and his is pretty much not there at all. So that's I feel like the extra layer of why that is so bad. Okay. And then how did that make you feel? Like did his low sex drive, like how do you internalize his low sex drive? Do you make it- I never took it personal. I never pressured him or anything.

Okay. So it didn't make you feel like, oh, is it me, you're not desired to me? Like you took his, no? Well, that's a him problem then. Yeah. So how did you go from, so like it was just about him ignoring you? Like I guess what was it if you go back in your head and try to replay those thoughts that you had

leading up to you reaching out to your ex-boyfriend? Like what do you think was the driving force? Because again, if we're talking about you, you called in like, well, I want to figure out if I technically cheated. Well, again, technically you didn't. Like, technically, if we're using, keeping this work technically, you reached out to your boyfriend, you said, I have my answer,

which technically sounds like you're saying, we're done, I'm not giving you more time. And short of him immediately responding, being like, hey, I'm sorry, let's get together tomorrow, I'm not giving you more time. And short of him immediately responding being like, hey, I'm sorry, let's get together tomorrow. I've been thinking about this, I wanna be with you. You took that as you ending the relationship.

And then technically, you're free to do whatever the heck you want. And now what you did was something that you're not proud of and you wish you didn't do and et cetera, et cetera. But technically, you didn't cheat. But again, like technically who cares? Cause you're not even, you know, it's not like you're going back to this guy being like,

I have to tell you something. I slept with, you know, right after I texted you that, I slept with, you're not with this guy anymore. I wanted to be, when I woke up, I was like, I literally just nailed the coffin. There's no way. I mean, if there was ever a chance to's again, I'd have to tell him. Yeah, you would.

Yeah. But he hasn't reached out. Yeah, honestly, I was surprised about that. I'm very surprised about that. I think anytime you start a conversation when you were talking about a new relationship, like when you're talking to us or you're talking to friends

and that conversation starts with, it's the first person I liked in a really long time. I had never introduced someone to my parents too in a long time. That's exciting and I understand why people say that to friends but that's almost if anything a red flag not a green flag. And what I mean by that is it's a red flag because you are giving it value it doesn't deserve. I guess it just feels like the healthiest relationship I've had in the last few years. That may be true. It felt that way, but clearly also it wasn't, right? And that's still a little dangerous too. As you've acknowledged, your past relationship was abusive.

So yeah, like it's nice that the next guy you dated or this guy wasn't and sounds like you know probably a lot healthier a relationship than your past partner but this guy still seems to be you know you could argue a poor communicator emotionally not super mature for a guy who is a dad who's already been married. You know doing a 180 you know like going from feeling like you're building a strong connection, getting closer and closer, hanging out, spending time with your family, feel like he's bonding with your family,

and then doing a drastic 180, being like, hey, I don't know if I can do this, I need space, giving you really nothing to work with, it's not like space of an afternoon, and then you come back and be like, yeah, I took the afternoon, I've been talking, here's things I thought about, I want to talk to you about them. He didn't do any of that, you know, he left you hanging in the dark, didn't give you anything.

He gave you more questions and answers that left you more confused, you know, it made you feel worse about yourself. Like, those are not like signs of necessarily a healthy relationship. I think it's very easy to mislead ourselves by putting too much value in the first couple months of meeting someone. I know that might sound discouraging because it's like it's hard enough to meet someone. How long do I have to like hang out with some before I really know them? And the real answer is like sometimes a while, you know? And so the only reason I say it's a potential red flag to say well it's the first time I like someone a long time is because

again like you're doing the, you're comparing. And comparison is the thief of joy. And just you know, and comparison's all about perspective. It's like, what's the barometer? You know, what are you comparing it to? You are comparing it to an abusive relationship. And so I guess I'm only saying all of this is try not to beat yourself up so much. Clearly you made choices, you made mistakes, you have regret. I'm not telling you not to regret it. And I'm not telling you not to learn from it. But I think there's a difference between having productive thoughts and asking productive questions

and doing productive things with analyzing and understanding your decisions, than just emotionally beating yourself up and trying to label what you did so then you can shame yourself for it, you know, or tell yourself that like, I can never get back together with this guy, a guy who still hasn't reached out to you.

You were right. You trusted your instincts and your instincts were, how long should I be waiting for this guy? Yeah. You know, and after you sent that message, it didn't wake him up. It didn't make him go, holy shit, what am I doing? I'm risking losing this really great person. It just made him go, really?

You know, it made him go, really? It made him more childish and more petulant. He showed more of his true colors and maybe he's not your abusive ex, but I don't know if this is a guy who you need to lose sleep over. I don't know. I guess I just keep doing this thing with my mind. I got out of a very, very serious relationship a year and a half ago. Uh, and he cheated on me and it absolutely killed my confidence.

And I spent the last year and a half finding situationships, being with guys that were no good for me. And then when I met this guy, it just seemed like a lot. And then the moment we had an issue, this guy that X, I mean, he's someone I should probably have a restraining order against. Like I just, I mean, he's someone I should probably have a restraining order against. Like I just, I call him and I'm just like, why do I do that?

Because. Have you, I mean, yeah, these are, that's a good question to ask yourself. I don't, you know, probably maybe something you need to work through, you know, are you in therapy? No. Worth a shot? Yeah.

A lot of what you are describing is something that would a lot of people work through in therapy, you know? And that's not something I can answer for you in this call. You know, I can make the general, you know, like, yeah, clearly being cheated on affected you, you know? Maybe you have some abandonment issues from that being cheated on,

or maybe you already had some abandonment issues from things that happened long ago, you know? I don't know. issues from that being cheated on. Or maybe you already had some abandonment issues from things that happened long ago. I don't know. Maybe you are seeking out validation in unhealthy ways, right? Especially now after being cheated on. The pattern of you dating the wrong men after being cheated on. Again, I can generalize and say, yeah, you were trying to scratch an itch, fill a void in unhealthy ways. Hopefully this situation is a blessing, honestly. I think you can still hold your head high. Technically, again, how this conversation started, technically I don't think you cheated. So if you have guilt about, oh, I did the thing that really crushed me and hurt me,

and again, I just don't think shaming yourself is gonna be very productive. And I think there's a big difference between, you know, shaming yourself and beating yourself up emotionally and telling yourself you're a bad person and saying, well, I'm no better than the person who cheated on me and how could I have done this? And I ruined a chance at an amazing guy.

It's like, no, honestly, what I'm hearing is, as unhealthy as that decision was, and I hate that you did that for yourself because I know you regret it, it might have been as far as this guy goes, maybe the best thing for you because there might have been a world where you still would have hung out, you would have waited much longer. And even though you knew in your gut and your body says, why am I waiting three, four, five days, two weeks? You would have kept waiting and kept waiting. And then eventually had he come around and been like, well, I've given up some thought and like,

I'm not really sure where I'm at, but I still want to hang out with you. Let's keep going. You could have been at risk of slipping into what ultimately would it be another situation ship because you would have told yourself, well, it's still the best guy I've met in a really long time. And you would have told yourself, well, it's still the best guy I've met in a really long time.

And you would have accepted some of this bad behavior because, oh, well, he's still the best guy I've dated in a really long time. And just because it's better doesn't mean it's good. And just because it's good doesn't mean it's good enough. But it sounds like maybe you could really benefit from exploring therapy and diving deeper into some of these choices you've made and working through why you did, to help you prevent doing it in the future

so that you can try to make healthier choices with the men that you date going forward. You can notice red flags in yourself or red flags in men. You can, instead of, we've talked in the show, you know, what the spark, you know, people, it's become almost like a cliche, you know, like beware of the spark, you know, it's a red flag. It's your, it's a trigger in your body saying, I need validation from this person.

And so, you know, this need for validation clouds your judgment about if they're really right for you and how they make you actually feel, because like a spark can like trigger an insecurity and that need for validation isn't the same as like feeling like secure and safe and confident you know and yet in the heat of the moment we have a hard time seeing that you know and again that's where therapy might be beneficial to help you slow down emotionally when you get in these situations so or maybe when

you meet a guy, you can run this by your therapist. Be like, hey, I met a guy and like, I don't know, here are some things I'm noticing, here are some things in the past that I might have seen it this way, wanna run it by you, yada, yada, yada. It might help you make some healthier decisions for yourself.

Yeah, definitely. Last question. Shoot. I already know your answer. I feel like... Either way. Do I reach out? To him? Why? Yeah. Why? Because there was no closure. I don't know. I feel guilty. I feel like so I just I don't know. What do you mean there was no closure? There was closure. I mean was there? I texted him a breakup after. More than you realize, yes, there was closure.

What kind of closure, in a perfect world, when you say, should I reach out, you have an idea of what closure means, what it describe it to me. Like, we can have a, just, we can sit down, remove from the relationship, and I can figure out what exactly went wrong. I have no idea.

Do you think he knows? Well, he must. He was the one that didn't wanna talk for me for three days when we used to talk all the time And what are and what would be an answer that would satisfy you? I don't know something that would make me understand why whatever he went through It was so bad that it took three days even after we had a talk at dinner and it went what I thought Well, we had a game plan in place. Why do you think it's a you problem? Why do you think it's your fault? Why do you think it's anything you could have done? I mean my guess is without knowing anything about him but there's a good chance if I were just to generalize and

and use your normal stereotypes is that like this is a middle-aged man that you know I don't know why he got married or divorced in the past but like you know not a bad guy but he might be a little bit emotionally immature. And he's a, you know, I'm not an expert in attachment styles, but he has a bit of an avoidant personality where instead of like communicating his thoughts, feelings, and concerns, he just kind of pushes people away, you know, and instead of saying the harsh truth, which is like, hey, honestly, this is moving too fast for me

and I maybe said some things that I'm realizing now I don't totally mean. Maybe he said some things in the heat of the moment. Maybe he finds you incredibly physically attractive, more attractive than maybe other women he's dated. And when he says things like, you're literally my dream girl, it was like him talking about how sexy

and how hot he thought you were. But at the end of the day, maybe like hanging out with your family felt a little too real, a little too fast, and he's just not ready for that. And I'm just guessing here, but if that were the truth, is that gonna make you feel better?

At least I know. Why can't the closure you give yourself being accepting that as tough as it was, you found out that this guy wasn't as good as you thought he was? And that he might be a decent guy, but he might not be your guy. And that you want someone who wouldn't put you on hold for three days and wouldn't be comfortable and would like have the ability to empathize with what it might feel like to be as excited as you were excited only for someone to be like, hey, 180, I need to figure my shit out. I can't talk for three days and act like you owe him that without taking a moment of thinking,

what would that like be? How is she feeling? He didn't check in at all. He didn't say, hey, I know this is probably hard on you. I just want you to know I still care about you. And he didn't give you anything to go on. He just disappeared and he expected you to be okay with that.

Yeah, I don't know. Just was very intense. Like it's just so much going from like, this is going in such a great direction. He was very pushy about us like entering a relationship. He wanted me to meet his kids already. I don't doubt that. I don't doubt that. But men are notorious for moving really fast. I mean, not even men, people. You know, a lot of people can get ahead of themselves. People can get very excited about someone and move very quickly and they can convince themselves. We convince ourselves of so many things.

Maybe again, you gave him something he probably hadn't received in a while, and he got really excited. Excitement isn't love. I think we often confuse the two. We'd like to justify things that we say early on. We get really excited, we get ahead of ourselves. Have you ever been excited about something only to realize, eh, I guess I'm just not as excited as I thought I was?

Literally all the time. So why is it so hard to understand that he could be excited about you only to realize that maybe it wasn't about you two or about you, it was just about like what you gave him or feeling some void that he hasn't done work on himself and therefore you were giving him things that he didn't fully realize what you were giving him or what value it was bringing him, but he just was excited about it

and that excitement caused him to say and do things and communicate things to you that weren't totally true. Not that he was like lying or love bombing you or anything like that. If you're immature emotionally and you can't slow down your emotions and process your emotions in real time, you will often confuse feelings like lust and excitement

and chemistry for things like love and security in an emotional connection. Do you think a 33-year-old man who's been divorced who needs three days to figure things out is going to be able to like process that? You know, probably not, you know, but you have to get to a place where you can understand those decisions as well and maybe you need to mature emotionally as well and maybe address some of the things that have happened to you in the past. So instead of needing answers from men who can't give you answers, you can give,

all the answers that you are looking for, you are fully capable of giving to yourself. You might need to do some work, you might need some help through like either friends, but you definitely don't need it from these men. Yeah, that's good to hear. My family member, I told two people, I told a friend and I told a very close family member. My friend obviously thinks I didn't cheat.

She's always on my side. The family member thinks I'm the worst person ever. What I did was like... Who's the family member and why are they in a position to think you're the worst person ever? My sibling. Yeah. They think you're the worst person ever? My sibling. Okay. They said you're the worst person ever?

No, we sat down and I told her this was the day after it happened and she's like, yeah, that's absolutely cheating. And she's like, that's horrible. She thinks that I have like reckless behavior. The reckless behavior part might be accurate. Yeah. It was reckless. You recognize that, the reckless behavior part might be accurate. Yeah. I mean, it was reckless. You recognize that. You regretted it after the fact.

So like, we don't have to sit there and pretend it wasn't reckless. Like what you did was wrong for sure. And yes, had he called you up the next day and said, hey, I'm sorry for making you wait three days. Can you come over and talk? You would have felt very guilty and you would have had to tell him.

And yes, like, you know, I keep saying technically you didn't cheat because again, it doesn't really matter. It's just like it's because technically you didn't, but like you definitely didn't do a good thing. You know what I'm saying? It was. The fact that I can say technically you didn't cheat is more of a luck thing in a way.

Like it's like, and it's not even what you wanted, but you're lucky he didn't reach out to say, come over, I wanna fix this. And because he didn't, technically it became not cheating because you technically reached out to him. But who cares? He's not your boyfriend right now.

And again, there's no like fidelity police who, you know, your next job when you interview, they're not gonna be like, well, have you cheated? And you're not gonna take a lie detector test to be like, well, you know, technically maybe, here's the situation, let me describe it to you. What do you guys, like that's not gonna happen. So like, why are we trying to,

why are you putting yourself under trial? And asking a friend and asking a sibling member I think what's important is that you recognize that you made a mistake and you recognize that you made a choice that was harmful To you, you know You let someone who doesn't deserve access to you anymore have access to you and that way that put you in an unsafe situation both potentially physically, emotionally and that's something you regret and that's a decision that you don't want to make in the future and yes you it's a it was reactive and self-destructive your sibling isn't wrong there and that is

something if I were you I would look into so that you can break that pattern because until you do something about it yes you were vulnerable to make the same poor decisions in the future you know and this might be something you can break that pattern because until you do something about it, yes, you were vulnerable to make the same poor decisions in the future, you know, and this might be something you can't address on your own and telling your friend or, you know, telling, having your friend like pat you on the back and be your ride or die and justify your decisions, that's not going to change your behavior and your sibling shaming you into making you feel like you're a bad person isn't going to change your behavior either. You need to understand why you into making you feel like you're a bad person isn't going to change your behavior either. You need to understand why you're making

these choices and you need to learn about why and you need to develop tools that you can and when and so when these moments happen when you get triggered when you're angry when you're usually capable and willing to make reactive poor decisions without thinking about the long-term ramifications. Hopefully after working on it or maybe getting help from a mental health professional or understanding some of your past traumas and things like that, in the future you might be able to say, wait, okay, I'm recognizing this feeling and maybe it's journaling, I don't know what it is, maybe it's calling your therapist. It's like, hey,

I have that feeling and normally I would call my ex But instead of calling my ex I'm calling you Can we talk about it? You know, you might be able to develop some healthy, you know habits there But you have to do something about it, you know I don't think reaching out to either of these men is you doing something about it again The big takeaway I want you to have is the answers to all your questions are inside you and you need help getting them out and it's not from men. Yeah.

Well said. All right. Yeah. Well, thank you. Well, keep us posted. We'd love to get an update on your progress. Better help if you don't know where to go from a therapy standpoint. You can certainly ask your friends,

but start somewhere, you know? And when you land on a therapist, if you're not feeling connected to them, if it's like, I don't know, if I don't know if I wanna tell this person everything, you can try a new one, but like try it out, you know? You can always not go again. Yeah.

But I think you might find a lot of value from it. Yeah, well, we'll do. All right. All right, thank you, Nick. All right, take care. All right, you too. All lot of value from it. Yeah, well, we'll do. All right. All right. Thank you, Nick. All right. Take care. All right. You too. All right. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send us questions at asknickattheviolafiles.com.

We'll see you back tomorrow for another episode of Reality Recap. Bye. You