The Viall Files - E763 Ask Nick - Flirting With an NHL Player

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode by addressing your gentle parenting responses and diving into the ideal dating expectations of men. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller wants to shoot her shot with a professional athlete. Our second caller is back with her ex, and is afraid to tell her parents. Finally, our third caller is thriving in her occupational industry but is afraid it turns off the men she’s dating. “As a woman who’s very successful and passionate about her career, that should never feel like a negative for you” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab your tin today!  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  BetterHelp - Take a moment. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Wayfair- Every style is welcome in the Wayborhood. Visit https://www.Wayfair.com  or get the Wayfair mobile app. OneSkin - OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code VIALL at htpps://www.oneskin.co  Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell @allisonklemes @kymccarthy23

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Better sleep search now. You're crazy. What's going on, everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host joined by the household. We got Scooter, we got sweet boy Justin. Recent mainstays of the Ask Nick intro. How are you guys doing?

Doing good. I'm having trouble sleeping these days. Why? My stomach. Oh, you're just like, you're that pregnant now. It's just so heavy. And every time I turn over, I just have to like hoist myself up and over. Have you enjoyed being pregnant?

Yeah, I've really enjoyed it actually. Really? I've had a very thankfully easy time. I didn't get sick in my first trimester at all. I have energy the whole way through. I've been very lucky and fortunate. The last week, I've experienced pregnancy brain. Like I cannot, like Danny will tell me,

he's just like, you just start speaking and then you just stop. And like- You have seemed a little foggy lately. I'm foggy. I'm very foggy. Yeah. And I thought to myself as your boss,

I'm like, you know what? You know, I didn't want to say, it's not for me. I'm like, does he notice? It's not Leia's fault though. That's our responsibility to learn how to riff with your arguments. As someone who's recently, been around a pregnant lady, I empathize. No, I appreciate it.

Nick literally asked me something the other day. I said, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And then 10 minutes later forgot and it didn't happen. And I was just like, fuck. That's why if you look at her desk, she has like 5 million notes. I have like reminders all over my computer. I don't want to get into some personal questions, but I do know that Natalie had some wild experiences

towards the end that were unpleasant at times. I've experienced them all. I know what you're talking about. I'm intrigued by what I want to ask. Turns out lots of feedback we got from you guys last week regarding gentle parenting. Thanks for the feedback. Turns out, I think we're generally kind of right in geniuses.

My main takeaway from the feedback, and one in particular was that behavioral. Yes, so this is Katie, a child developmental therapist. Because our big question was like, how rigid is gentle parenting? My big takeaway from Katie, it's really focused around not shaming your child when they make mistakes. And gentle parenting in no way doesn't mean

no punishment or boundaries or consequence for their actions. But depending on when your child makes the mistake, is it their first time making the mistake? Should they know better? Have you tried to set a boundary about this thing? But it is about having a conversation, but it doesn't mean no consequences. And that was my big question.

It does seem like gentle parenting has taken on, as all things do, a life of its own. For some people, gentle parenting can mean, I don't know, like this kind of what why fear was is that like this whole collaborative effort with your child about like the rules they should have or the consequences for their actions and which sounded nutty to me but that doesn't seem to be what gentle parenting was intended for. It was intended around not like shaming your child and calling them bad for doing something

they wouldn't know better. Even when they do make a mistake or not listen, maybe still not shaming them, but you know, reinforcing the boundary and maybe adjusting the consequence to see if maybe one is better suited for them. Yeah, should I jump into what she said just for our audience listening? So two of the main things she said is, she agrees that gentle parenting has taken a turn

far away from what it was originally meant to be. From the therapeutic standpoint, gentle parenting is providing your child with opportunities to be independent and explaining natural consequences to your children without shame. Overall, based off of what we shared, your perspective on parenting seems to be leaning towards the correct way of gentle parenting. Children need boundaries and need to understand why those boundaries are set.

We can communicate that without shame. Obviously, gentle parenting looks different for a child three and under. As a child gets older, the boundaries become more firm because the child has developed more reasoning skills and emotional intelligence. Nailed it. Sounds good to me.

Sounds good to me. I co-sign that, yeah. Yeah, I think it's just basically instilling in your child that they're not doing things out of fear or acting in ways out of fear of getting punished and more so they understand the reason behind why they're not doing things or doing things. Yeah.

I'm all for teaching my kid independence, that is for sure. Really want to, and since last week, talking about bringing your parents to interviews, I'm all for teaching my kid independence, that is for sure. And since last week talking about bringing your parents to interviews, there was a whole report that came out, like 19, 20% of kids are bringing their parents to interviews. I'm willing to bet though, it doesn't make it any better. I don't know if parents are actually showing up for like, to like, you know, like on, what was it,

stepbrothers, where they go in together and interview together. I don't feel like it's like that. My guess is like they're bringing their parents to the interview to like wait in the waiting room. Oh, or like waiting downstairs in the car. Yeah, which it doesn't matter. That's so fucking terrible.

Like they're not teaching people an interview the way they used to. You were impressed with some of our interviews more so than others. Well, and most of you kind of failed the basics of an interview. Oh no. But none of you did them. What did I do that failed?

Well, two things that don't seem to be a thing anymore. Like one, when your potential employer asks you the question Do you have any questions for us? The first question shouldn't be about like how long are the days or how many hours or how many vacation days? Not that any of you guys did that But one question you all should ask everyone out there if you're listening and I'm guessing a lot of our audience are Closer to like my age and so they probably know this but if you don't, this will set you apart because clearly no one's doing it. You ask the question, is there anything you've learned in this interview about me that would

cause you concern that would make you think that I'm not right for this job or can I address any concerns? Just ask about you being a fit for this job directly. Give your employer an opportunity to address any concerns they might have. Before I go, can I address anything you've learned that would make you think that I'm not perfect for this job? That's a great one.

Second question, if you're gonna ask any question whatsoever, ask a question that shows that you've paid attention in the interview. Ask a question as it relates to, you'll be doing this, you'll be doing that, this is our goal, this is our focus of the organization. So you kind of repeat back what you learned. So like earlier in this interview, you mentioned yada, yada, yada, yada. Like, ask, it's like a follow-up question in a date, you know, someone says something about what they like, and you show

that you give a shit by, you know, asking a follow-up question to what they said. So you're asking for further explanation. Just show that you can adapt and learn and take what they're saying, interpret it, and then repeat it back to them. You know? Yeah, it shows that you know how to take a note. It shows that you give a shit. I will say they are teaching people,

at least college level, not to ask specifics about like salary or pay or like hours, because the reason you don't do that is because you're showing you're not caring about the person to person conversation, but the job itself. Yeah, well, you're also, it's like, that's a vibe of like, what do I have to do,

not what can I do? Exactly. You basically reek of bare minimum, but no one's asking those type of questions. None of you guys asked what Kyle did. What do you remember about our interviews? Trader Joe's. I remember Trader Joe's. Yeah, I remember that you said you worked for Trader Joe's and I was like,

you're hired. Lea made it impossible not to hire her. No, Lea showed initiative. Through the interview process, she tracked down my agent, which no one, one of my agents. But through the interview process, she demonstrated the, um, the work ethic that she would bring to the job. I need to step it up.

Well, no, you mentioned that you worked for Trader Joe's. You were willing to have a, do real work. And I think there's a lot of people nowadays that don't understand real work. I think it's important to have a job like Trader Joe's being a waiter. Yeah. I worked at the front desk of a gym. A real fucking job. I do think it's interesting you didn't know I worked at Bravo. Yeah, which is crazy.

I don't read resumes. Which is probably good. Resumes are just like, those are something you filter out people who aren't even qualified for the job. And then you guys know that you guys do a first interview with not me. So by the time it gets to me, I don't need to read your fucking resume, I don't care. Do you think most bosses don't read the resumes? That depends on the stage of the interview. Okay, cause now a lot of people have online platforms

that will do the resumes. That's what I'm saying. It's just like hiring, it's like a dating bio. It's like someone else could have done this for you. Well, AI is crazy these days. A friend of mine just got hired and her entire cover letter was written by ChatGBT. She just typed in like, this is my experience.

This is the job I'm applying for. And it wrote her the best cover letter. Did she get the job? Yeah, she got the job. That's insane. It was great. Cause cover letters are kind of like obsolete now too. Again, those are filters. Those are just kind of filter.

Like by the time you guys get to me, there's a, it's a filter. You're big on vibes. Yeah. Personality, character, work ethic. Teach a man to fish type of thing. I need to know you're willing to learn and willing to do the job. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyways, what else are we getting into before we get to our callers? Question. Shoot. How tall are you? Six two. What color is your eyes? Brown. You don't make them work. You failed.

Blue eyes, six five, trust fund. Have you seen this viral video? No. Looking for a man in finance, trust fund. Six five. Blue eyes. Girl on a couch. So she made this song.

It blew up, it's huge. I think it's on Spotify now. She basically gave sight to this reality that most people these days want someone who's six five has like the six-figure job Yeah Yeah So I mean, I don't know if this survey has anything to do with that My thought is that it must just because this video happened to blow up

But there was a survey that revealed where women across the country have the highest dating standards Yeah revealed where women across the country have the highest dating standards. Yeah. So they surveyed 3000 single women aged 18 to 35 to find out where standards are highest and lowest across the country when it comes to dating. Okay. Firstly, it was if they would consider dating men earning less than six figures or those deemed below average in terms of attractiveness.

Before we give you the stats, I'm curious to know which state you would think is the highest and which is the lowest. I would say New York would be the highest. Lowest, I don't know, somewhere in the Midwest of the South. Alabama. Oh, he was so close. Arkansas. It starts with an A.

Arizona? Nope. It's daylight 24-7. Northern Lights. Alaska. There you go. Now that make sense? Yeah, so you were spot on with New York though. So, but on average, 17% of women nationwide

said they would not entertain such prospects. 17%. A big problem with dating culture these days and why more and more people are having a hard time finding love is unrealistic expectations. And I think the internet has played a big part of that, whether it's the apps that we're using, social media, you know, and things like that. Over six figures, over just forget about what their face looks like. Men six feet or over who make more than

six figures and have, I don't know, a credit score over 700 or something like that, is like less than 1% of the population. Right? And then you think about like fuckboys out there. So you go on the apps, right? And again, I don't know the exact stat, but I heard something. Dr. Scott Galloway really loved his stuff. He talks a lot about this. He talks a lot about like masculinity, healthy masculinity. He talks a lot about this. He talks a lot about like masculinity, healthy masculinity. He talks a lot about the problem with like, you know, there's an epidemic of like, very disenfranchised young men. He's very progressive in his viewpoints. A lot of great stuff. Dr. Scott Galloway of NYU. But he's mentioned that like in terms of what's going on in dating culture, it's just like you have this 1% of men, you know?

So basically it's kind of like on the apps. You have 90% of women going after 10% of the men. So you have this small group of men getting all the sex, right? They're the fuck boys, right? And we talked last week a lot about Sierra and West, and that's a perfect example of you know West you know we call him the average guy no West isn't the average guy West is a one percenter he's six foot he's conventionally handsome I don't know what his salary is but he is also a celebrity

and I'm guessing between his show money and all this stuff he's making he's probably making over six figures there's not a lot of West's out there type of thing I know everyone likes to call them average but you know that's not the case. And so you have this large group of women going after the small group of men and they're getting all they're having all the sex and we're acting like those are the only men that exist. And we're basically getting frustrated because all these men with all these options, you know, and that's why they can act poorly, you know, because no matter what, no matter how shitty they are,

there is basically a whole pool of people willing to give the fuckboys a chance so that they can feel special and, you know, land their fuckboy, which is not a recipe for success. And there's no, they have so many options out there because so many other men are just completely being ignored. Completely, they're being swiped left on. Not six foot, yuck.

Don't make over six figures, yuck. And we're ignoring a large group of men and giving the small group of men all the opportunity. And it's like a hookup culture, think about it. Like we went from wanting to enter in relationships and get to know someone and then hookup culture came and everyone was just like, yeah, let's fuck. And so even when women don't wanna have emotionless sex,

who do you think they're gonna have sex with? They're gonna wanna have sex with, they're only look at looks, it's gonna be more superficial picking and things like that. And now, you have a lot of people who wanna participate in hookup culture without questioning if they're emotionally capable

of handling hookup culture. And then you have a lot of these poor behaving men who have unlimited options because 89% of all women are just going after 10% of men because their standards have become so unrealistic. The survey continues and then asked women to rank the attributes they find most attractive in men.

And the top attribute was a great personality. Yeah, when a great personality, then a substantial salary, then good looks. It doesn't talk about height. And then it was living in an expensive property, having their own Wikipedia page and ownership of a private plane. That part's insane.

A private plane. But as long as they have a good personality. I also think the, I think, I think, I also think that, I think the person I think is bullshit. Especially when- You think people are lying in the survey answers? Especially in hookup culture. Do you think people are like fibbing a little bit

in their answer because they wanna not sound so superficial? I think part of pretty privilege is people lying to themselves about how good someone's personality is because they think they're hot. I think we like to convince ourselves that people have really good personalities when in deep down, we just think they're hot.

And I think that's both genders. And that's part of pretty privilege. Yeah, I think social media has created very unrealist expectations on both sides of the aisle. And I think we act like we're, you know, like, I'm sorry, but like West Wilson is not an average guy. He might not be a supermodel, you know what I'm saying? But like, he's not an average guy. And the fact that there's a lot of people on the internet acting like this guy is like a five is just ridiculous. It's like objectively, he's not,

he's literally in the top 1% of men based off of most of the standards that we are hearing about. Again, he's over six foot, he's conventionally handsome. I'm guessing he makes over six figures. And that's a very low percentage of people. Yeah, for sure. But we have this idea because of what we see on the internet that is like a bare minimum.

Also another problem we have just to get more darker is that like, and Professor Scott Galloway talked about this, currently college admissions is like a 60-40 ratio. More women are going to college than men. Love that for women. It's great, amazing. But like, as we talked about yesterday, but like what happens when those women

who graduate from college want to only date college graduate men? That was actually one of the questions on the survey. And the answer was 80% of women are open to dating a man without a college degree. 80%, okay, great. And 85% would consider someone in a non-traditional job, such as an artist or a gig economy worker. So that goes against that.

Cause I agree with you that there's less men in college now. Do you think that's accurate? Well, that's just a fact. Right. I do only because I think that like now they're, I think going to college is really important. However, I think that more and more people with social media are creating careers

without the need for a college degree or to even go, some of them are starting their careers before college age. Do you think it's more important to women or men about dating your professional equal? What do you mean by professional equal? Like salary wise or in the same field? Not so much same field, but like, I guess,

could be salary, could be title. It's just like someone you feel is your equal in terms of like where you're at professionally. I think about that a lot. I think it would depend on your age too. Cause for me, like I just graduated and my partner is still in college. So for me, I don't care.

Cause we're still at that stage in life. But I can imagine like 10 years later, I'd want someone that's not in college anymore and working professionally. Like for me, I've always been turned down by women who are ambitious. Now for me, ambition doesn't always, I didn't always relate to like-

Having a job. For work. I just, I just, I'm attracted to ambition. So if it is professionally, I find that attractive. I love that Nellie has her own hopes and dreams. I love that Nellie has been working with me. It's a lot of fun. I've always been personally attracted to that,

but it's more about ambition rather than like, you know, as a young man being like, I gotta make sure I marry a woman who's like making a certain amount of money. Because again- I agree with that Because again, I've always been attracted to women who want to work, but when I thought about, I always knew I wanted to have a kid, I always knew I wanted to get married,

and then I always was like, well, me and my wife will talk about how we go about raising our kid and who does what. But I was always planning on me being someone who was willing to like help pay the bills, you know. I always remember being young being like, and joking around, like I would love to be a stay-at-home husband and shit like that. And honestly like if that would have ended up being, I would be fine with that.

I just, I also like to work and yeah. So I always anticipated me at least either being the sole like breadwinner or being one of, you know, being a part of that. A participant, yeah. But it was just never something that like I thought about on a professional level. Yeah, I think passion and ambition trumps the actual salary or job. I think it's way more important for someone to show that they have initiative and passion and they're excited and they want to pursue whatever they're passionate about

as opposed to like what the physical salary number is. What about your girlfriends growing up? Like, has that always been the case? I feel like more women talk about the type of job or the amount of money. For sure, oh, they're, it's a complete spectrum. It's a complete spectrum. Like I have a lot of girlfriends

who want to be supported financially 100%. And so they care a lot about that number that their husband is making. That being said, like when I was in college, like a year ago, it's aestheticized if you're talking to someone in a STEM field or like a STEM major. What's a STEM major? So like science, business, engineering, like anything along that, like tech, computer science.

Like if you're dating or talking to someone in that field as a college student, it's like aestheticized. It's like, oh, like you won, you know? Interesting. So I think it's like an age thing, like what you care more about. I am concerned about young men nowadays. I really am. I just like, you know, you go online and it's just, there is a limitless amount of content talking about how much men suck. Like listen, men can suck. But it doesn't affect people my generation or my age. Like I'm good, you know, I have the

ability to stay offline and things like that. What I'm worried for are young men, you know, teenage boys, young men who have, you know, your iPad kids and they go online and all they see is how much they suck, how gross they are, how disgusted they are, how manipulative they are. And I just think we have an entire generation of men who have been made to feel less than, and I think there's a lot of young men out there, Dr. Scott Galloway talked about this, who are paying the price for the crimes and sins

of men of my generation or older. Right, I was gonna say, I think that it's because women have been mistreated for so, so, so long and finally we're like standing up for ourselves and it's like this generation of men is feeling the brunt of past generations of men's... Yeah, I still don't think it's okay that like you can go online and and it's a free-for-all on men uh and and, it's like you go on TikTok, search hashtag men suck billions of videos you can watch. Or I hate men or men suck.

You search I hate women or hashtag women suck, which I'm glad you can't find that, but you literally, you can't find it. It's literally not allowed. I should ask my little sister what like the men in her, or the boys at her age, cause she's in high school and they're all iPad kids. I should ask her like what how they treat. Yeah, I'm worried I'm worried for them. I think a lot of them are more respectful though

because like my sister when she takes pictures with guys they're like Kind of hands in like they just won't like touch the girl because they want to respect the girls. I'm glad Men are way more respectful. I'm just worried about on a larger scale We're teaching young men that are not valued, that they're not important, that they're gross and yucky and disgusting. And what are those young men doing? What do they have access to?

A lot of fucked up porn. And I think we're radicalizing young men. And you're either gonna get young men who are softer and more gentle, which I'm glad they're more respectful, but I don't really hear a lot of women asking for, like, softer or gentler men. I think they, I think, it seems like women still desire healthy masculinity in men, in men who are emotionally

intelligent and regulated, but still can demonstrate, like, healthy masculinity, which, again, Dr. Scott Galloway talks a lot about masculinity being to want to be in service of others, to protect the people you care about. To me, that's what's masculine, not that women can't do that as well. I'm probably not even articulated as well as he does.

But I have a huge concern for that. Because I think you're just getting either a bunch of like, you know, more, again, more demure young men, or you're getting men who have been disenfranchised so much, they've been radicalized, and they're now part of these kind of very toxic incel groups. They're deep in the like dark fucking porn shit.

And I think we're, it's kind of scary just the type of men. I don't think we should, put it this way, it's sad to say that unfortunately, I don't think we're gonna be in a position anytime soon to raise, to expect more from men. I think it's only gonna get worse, sadly. Yeah, I mean, I think women are just so, this has been the norm for women for so, so, so, so, so,

so long that they're just like, well. All I'm saying for the heterosexual women out there who are looking for eligible and good men out there, I think it's unfortunately gonna be harder and harder to find. Overcorrection. Because I don't think we are developing the type of men that we want.

And I think it's kind of scary. I'm worried for my daughter. And the options out there? Yeah, I just don't think we're, if you're a teenage boy online, I think you're learning a lot of the wrong stuff. I would be curious to see this survey done in reverse. Yeah, I would be curious.

Anyways, fun stuff. Let me know your thoughts. I'm sure we'll create more feedback. And I'm curious, yeah, but like, I don't know. As a parent, I think more and more about this stuff. I'm concerned for our future. I know there's been overcorrection and yeah, I'm worried for the young men out there.

Yeah, I think we all need to treat each other with respect. Yeah. And I don't want young men to pay the price for the sins and the crimes of men of my generation. And I think that's what's going on. Anyways, we have a great episode for you. We've got some great calls lined up, but before we do, don't forget to ask,

sending your questions at asknickofthevilefiles.com. We have a great week lined up for you. We've got some great calls lined up, but before we do, don't forget to send in your questions at asknickofthevalfiles.com. We have a great week lined up for you. We got a couple perfect, we got a couple juicy cast members for a perfect match. We got reality recap two times this week. Don't forget, reality recap this Tuesday, tomorrow, and another episode of reality recap. Brian Baumgartner is joining. We got reality recap Reality Recap two times this week, don't forget. Reality Recap this Tuesday, tomorrow. In another episode of Reality Recap, Brian Baumgartner is joining us for a segment. It's going to be a fun, fun week. Lots to come. We've got some juicy Going Deeper episodes lined up down the pike. But this week, it's all Reality Recap. More of what you want, more of your pop culture, reality recap conversations.

It's gonna be a fun week. Let's get to our callers. What's your time with me? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? It's going good. How are you? Good, what's your name?

My name's Rachel, I'm 25, and I need help shooting my shot with a professional athlete. Oh, okay. Other than just reaching out and DMing them and asking them, what has propelled you to be interested in this athlete? Do you know them, have you met them? Is this you literally being like,

you know what, I have a crush on Aaron Rodgers and I heard he's single. How big is this fish we're trying to catch? So I have met him in person. A couple weeks ago, I was out at a bar with one of my friends and one of the athlete's friends actually approached me and was like hey my friend over there thinks you're cute you should go talk to

him so I kind of got like pulled into the situation a little bit we were like talking most of the night flirting like having a good time kissing whatever and then we ended up kissing going yes. Going, yes, yeah. Talking, flirting, and kissing at the bar. At the bar, yeah. How long did it take you to start kissing? I don't know, maybe like an hour. Okay, and did you know who he was when you met him?

No, no, he was just like some random guy at the bar with a group of friends. He asked me what I did for work. I told him, and then I asked him what he did and he was like, Oh, I play sports. I'm like, uh, okay. Like professionally, like what, what is this? Do you just do things for fun? You're unemployed.

And he's like, no, I'm a professional athlete. And I asked him what sport he plays. He told me the team it's like not uncommon to run into professional athletes where I live. What's the sport? It's a hockey. A hockey. Yeah.

So it was like end of their season had just kind of happened. They didn't make it to the playoffs. So he was out with friends. Are we talking NHL or are we talking minor leagues? Uh, the NHL. Yeah. Okay. Um, yeah.

So I had no idea who he was. He brought up that he played for the NHL told me what team and I was like, okay, makes sense. You know, they're kind of out and about this time of year. Um, so yeah, we were like hanging out most of the night. He invited me to go to another bar to play pool with some of him and the other guys on the team. I brought my friend with me.

And then towards the end of the night, he made a comment like, oh, if I make this shot and pool, then you have to come home with me. And I was like, oh, OK, like, that's pretty forward. Another part of the story that he when he said that, regardless of what you said, what were you feeling inside? Did you want him to make the shot? Um, I think my comment to him was like, well, I was going to go home with you regardless if you make it, so. Okay.

You said that. Yeah. Like as a joke, um, but not really kidding. I was already kind of like headed that direction anyways. Um, which I don't really do, but vibe was good and like considering the situation. So you were or weren't gonna go home with him anyways? I was going to.

Go home with him? Yes. Oh, okay, you told him that? Yes. I told him that, I was already thinking that in my head and then he made that comment and I said, oh, I was probably gonna go home with you anyways, but yeah, I'll make the shot.

Gotcha, okay, all right. Yeah, so then we he did that. We probably left like 30 minutes later The only thing that like was kind of weird So like I said, I'm 25 when I first asked him how old he was. He told me 23 I was like, okay, I've never done the cougar thing but whatever like I'm not really opposed to it You're two years. I don't make you a cougar Well, like I don't know a 23 year old guy compared to a 25 26 27 year old guys a huge difference Yeah, but it's just for fun. Um, but the kicker was like a two hours into it He's like, oh by the way, I lied to you

I said, okay, would you lie to me about he goes? I just turned 21 a couple months ago. It's like oh Okay, which that makes an even bigger age gap I was like, you know what I'm this far into it like vibe is good might as well try something different So I just went with it. So he's he's quite a little bit younger than me, but whatever. So yeah, we ended up going back to his house. We like pulled around. It was pretty late. And then we like both fell asleep for a little bit.

I woke up, it was like four in the morning. And I was like, okay, I gotta get out of here before the sun comes up. So how many base did we, you didn't have sex? We did not, no. Like what, like second base, third base? What't have sex? We did not, no. No. Like second bass, third bass, what do we get? We take our clothes off, we just touch over the covers,

under the covers, what are we talking here? Yeah, we were like closed off, like third bass area, I would say, yeah. And it was fun. And did he try to have sex or like, how did it stop rounding third base, so to speak, and going from home? Usually when you're that far into it,

a lot of people just kind of say, fuck it, let's just go home. Yeah, yeah. At that point, it was like, he kinda did, and I was like, nah, I don't really do that. And he was like, okay, sounds good. Like, respectful of it, Didn't really push or anything. Paramount push or.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, so I left his house at like four in the morning, Ubered home, and I didn't leave my phone number or anything because I didn't have anything to write with. But I ended up following him on Instagram. Well, he was asleep. You were just left in the middle of the night? Yeah.

Yeah, like gotta leave before the sun comes up. I was not looking good, gotta get out of there. Gotcha. Yeah, so I ended up following him on Instagram the next morning and he followed me back actually like pretty soon after. Great. And he follows like, I don't know, less than a thousand people.

Granted, the majority of them are people that he plays sports with or a bunch of girls, but whatever. What do you mean by, when you say whatever, what does that mean to you? I mean, it makes it a little discouraging. Like if I try to say something that obviously he's following all these gorgeous girls

that are from all over the place, like this is just what he does, which I mean, he's an athlete, I get it. He's hot. A lot of people probably know who he is. He meets up with girls. Like that's kind of what they do, but it doesn't make me that discouraged.

Like I'm still gonna try. And what are you gonna try to do? Well, I want to DM him and say something like, compelling, not just like, hey, you're hot, let's hang out. The only thing is that right after I met him, he had mentioned to me that he was moving back to Canada for the summer, like during the off season. So he's not in my hometown right now, and he's not coming back till probably like,

I don't know, two, three months from now. Sure. So I don't know, like how worth it is to message him right now, because he's not going to be here for a little bit of time. Just like put my name out there and he can respond positively. But then nothing ever comes of it. So he's gone. And then he's probably like getting with other girls in the meantime, which doesn't really bother me.

This is mostly just to see like kind of what I can get out of it. Like if we just took up or. Yeah. Question. What do you want to get out of it? Like, what do you think? I., yeah, I think more like a fun thing. What does that mean to you? Maybe like we can hang out, like hook up. I know that obviously athletes are super busy, especially during season, because that's when he would come back. And I'm like relatively fresh out of like a long term relationship,

so I'm not 100% looking to get into anything serious. Especially with someone who lives that kind of lifestyle, but he was super cool and fun and I felt like we like vibed pretty well. So I'd be down for like more fun, casual with him. Alright, what do you like about him? He was super funny, which I appreciated a lot. I feel like when you first meet someone, you don't always like get to see their personality.

And he was very complimentary, which was nice. He approached or like semi approached me first. I feel like I'm usually pretty forward. He has come to me. He had a boy. Yes. Yeah. Which is whatever. I mean, that have someone come to me. He had a boy. Yes, yeah. Which is- Which, whatever, I mean that works for me.

Red flag. Yeah. Think about it, he basically sent one of his minions. This is a guy who's very much used to being in control and in power and he's very comfortable in most situations. It's a red flag because he is very used to being himself regardless and he's very used to people feeling not on his level around him.

And he's aware of it. He's a professional athlete. Yeah, so, yeah, and like having sending one of your boys is very like, he already like is positioning himself as a position of authority, you know? Yeah, I guess that makes sense. I think it's really important you figure out what you want out of this.

I think you're very much setting yourself up for potential disaster, you know. Yeah, I mean like if I shoot my shot and he says nothing or he's like not interested, like I'm not losing anything, like we don't talk as it is, you know. There's just like, I don't know you at all, right? All right? And a little bit you've been talking, the way you talk, it's just, it's pretty obvious to me, and I'm guessing the people who are eventually

gonna listen to this, that you're making a lot of concessions for this person that you wouldn't otherwise make for anyone else that would have similar attributes and characters to this guy, but obviously because he is who he is and he has a certain stature and aura and just name recognition,

and it's obviously exciting to be hit on by someone who's a professional athlete and he's probably big, tall, and strong, but you are making a lot of, by someone who's a professional athlete and he's probably big, tall and strong. But you are making a lot of your, you know, for example, I don't know like if you were to sit down, I guess you probably haven't done the exercise. But if you were to think out loud, you know, someone who's been dating, you got out of a serious relationship.

And I don't know if you've given any thought about like, you know, what are my boundaries? What are my dating rules? Like what, who do I give time to? Yada, yada, yada. You know, I know right now you're not like looking to jump into a relationship, but even then, right, as someone who's just got it out of a relationship, you know, I'm sure you've heard the phrase dating with intention, you know? Yeah.

I don't know if you've ever used it. I don't know or whatever. But regardless of whatever you're doing, whatever season you're in or whatever state of dating you're in, you should have some sort of understanding of what your boundaries and expectations are for yourself. Again, that's just to protect yourself. So in a situation where you're like, when people say you just want to have, like what are your long term relationship goals? I mean, long term, like I definitely want to get back into a serious relationship with

someone that is respectful and we are compatible. Even more long term. We have a lot of fun together. Even more like what's your, like do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids someday? Yeah. Okay. For sure, yeah, 100%. And so when people say, well, I just want to have fun,

I don't doubt that you want to have fun, but part of it is you're not ready to jump into that emotional, it takes a lot to be in an emotional relationship. How did your last relationship end? Were you hurt? Did you hurt the person? How long did you date?

What happened? What's your emotional state been? Were you hurt? Did you hurt the person? How long did you date? What happened? What's your emotional state of mind following that relationship? We dated for two years. It was very toxic. He cheated on me multiple times. We were breaking up every four to six months. I eventually ended it after finding out

about girl number, however many. So very traumatizing, for sure. I'm sorry you had to go with that. I just wanna point out that that makes me even more concerned for you. Yeah. Oh great. Your last boyfriend cheated on you multiple times, right?

In the conversation that we had about this athlete and this one-night stand you not one-night stand but whatever but this like one-night rendezvous or whatever like without even probably realizing hearing you talk you just made a lot of excuses or exceptions for him you know it's like he probably would do this but whatever you know what I'm saying like if you were to, if you were to like after meeting this guy, right, you know, just like forgetting about not knowing, you know, his age or, you know, it's like you knew he was an athlete, you had fun, but let's say you didn't know much else, right? Like if you were to ask, a friend were to ask you like,, how would you want him to act?

Or how would you, like, what would you, if when you go on his Instagram, what would you like to find? And things like that. You would probably say the opposite of like, oh, I would, you know, I don't want it to be so obvious that he's basically just following his buddies

and a bunch of hotties. You would, you wouldn't choose that for a guy that you would be interested in. Even a guy you wanna have fun with. Like even a guy that you wanna have casual sex with, I'm guessing if you got to pick, you wouldn't be one of many, you know what I'm saying? You wouldn't be part of a roster.

And you're kinda like, you wouldn't be part of a roster. You know? Yeah, I agree. And you're kind of like, yeah, but whatever. Yeah, but whatever. You know what I'm saying? And that type of yeah, but whatever energy is, even if you don't have a boundary name, you know? Cause again, I'm guessing you probably haven't done

that exercise of actually consciously thinking about like, what am I comfortable with? What behaviors am I okay with? What am I not okay with? And when you see or when you encounter a behavior that you're not comfortable with, you recognize it and then you remove yourself and distance yourself from that behavior. Right now you are bulldozing through whatever boundaries you haven't even actually like intentionally set for yourself. You know, other than like the obvious ones that maybe everyone has

or maybe you've kind of thought but you haven't really named it, but you just bulldoze through them all the time. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. So here you are, you got a two-year relationship that ended that you described as incredibly toxic that probably hurt you in a lot of ways

that you maybe even haven't even totally dealt with. And now you're being a bit, again, I don't know, attachment styles, but avoid it in general. I don't know, I'm not attachment style diagnosing you, but just generally when you say, well, I'm not really looking for a relationship, I wanna have fun right now, that's totally okay for a lot of people, but you are in fact avoiding

trying to get into a relationship. At least that's what you're saying, right? Yeah. So why are you avoiding it? Well, maybe you do just want to have fun, but partly it's because you're just like, I don't know if I want to deal with the emotes. I want to disconnect from caring

because last time I cared, it really hurt me. Last time I put my trust into someone, it backfired on me, right? So I'm just not going to care. And not caring isn't the way to go about your love life. Yeah. You know? Too extreme one way or the other. Because the thing is, I mean, you care. You're calling in, you're asking for my advice, you're trying to strategize how you can send

the perfect message, and you don't even know what you want out of it. So it's like, you know, you ask, like what's a clever way or something I could say, I'm guessing to stand out, and you wanna stand out amongst the sea of other women you know he can pick from. Yeah.

And when you say it out loud, that really devalues yourself a little bit. You know? For sure, yeah. Yeah, okay, so like, I have no problem with you hooking up with a professional athlete. I have no problem with you, you know, having a night of fun. I have no problem with you marrying a professional athlete.

But if you're gonna do that, I would love for you to be able to maintain your power and control in a situation and not act any differently around this professional athlete that you would any other guy you encounter and you are very far from that. Yeah, you're not wrong. Yeah. So you know we can I know DM him I don't you know I don't know and to be with the answer is like what's what do you think you should send him I have I don't know. And to be with the answer is like, what do you think you should send him? I have, I don't know.

I mean, we can come up with some funny, clever ones, but the end of the day, he's going to respond not based off of your clever text message or whatever. It's just gonna be based off of his lasting impression of you. You didn't have sex with him, so you got that going for you.

And I don't mean that honestly in like, I'm being a bit sarcastic, you know, because now you still, you're dangling the carrot, you know? So you, you know, he doesn't know what it's like to have sex with you. And that is, for him, exciting. That's a challenge. He's an athlete, so already you're dealing

with a competitive person. He's 21 years old. You're dealing with someone who's by your standards, not even mine, someone who's probably way less mature than you. And as a professional athlete, or like some someone who's in the public eye or famous, it's it that's going to be confusing. And what I mean by that is, I don't know if you've heard the saying that like when someone becomes famous, like they cease to become like they cease to emotionally mature, like they freeze in time. You know, like if someone became famous at 15,

then they kind of act like a 15 year old emotionally for the rest of your life. A lot of people say that out in LA. I think there's probably some truth to it. I don't know if it's totally accurate or totally true, but I think it stems from this idea that once you become famous, everything is catered to you, right?

And then you're not really forced to, you know, work through challenges or emotionally mature. So no one really pushes you. And you just kind of like stop maturing emotionally because that that's the, that's the point in which you had everything brought to you. You had buddies walking up to girls for you, things like that. Who does that? I mean, maybe his buddy had a girlfriend, but there's a good chance he didn't.

And instead of him hitting on you, he went and fucking like, he went up for his buddy, because his buddy was probably just excited to hang out with his professional athlete friend. Like if I were you, you know what I would have loved for you to do in that moment? Next time a guy comes up into you and says,

my buddy thinks you're cute, you should go talk to him. You could say, well, if your buddy thinks I'm cute and wants to talk to me, you should tell him to grow a pair and come over and talk to me. I'm serious. Because that's the type of energy you need to present to someone like him. You know, someone like him, this 21 professional athlete,

he's not gonna take you seriously. You wanna stand out, that's the shit you need to do. You need to stop acting, changing your behavior when someone that you find to be impressive or attractive or like that, you get that kind of spark and for you that spark is a red flag that is like if you've ever listened to the show you've heard me say a spark is basically that you know it's like i didn't make this up by the way but like i've you know but to articulate it even further but it is a signal to you that you again are

signal to you that you again are vulnerable to not enforcing your boundaries. Yeah. And you are like so the definition of that. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. So again listen, DM, I mean I don't know if you, for you, if you were my sister or my friend or you know someday when River gets old enough and she you know if you were my sister or my friend or, you know, someday when River gets old enough and she, you know, I would want for you to work on yourself more before you reach out to this guy. Because if you reach out to this guy now and you get his attention, I can almost guarantee you how this thing's gonna play out.

Yeah. You know, eventually you'll have sex with him. And best case scenario, you become part of his rotating roster and you become one of the girls he hangs out with and has sex with when he's bored. And there's a good chance that you might, he continues to be his charming self.

You tell yourself you're not gonna like him. Well, you can tell yourself you're not gonna like someone as much as you want. It you're not gonna like someone all as much as you want. It's not gonna affect how you eventually feel. And well, maybe you're, you know, just in general, women, not always, you know, when they have sex, can bond emotionally to that person they're intimate with.

So all of a sudden, now you have sex with the guy, you start feeling certain feelings that he's not, just as a man, doesn't normally feel, you know. And especially since he's a guy who's just very used to like doing what he did with you with multiple people, you know. It's a hard time, you're not gonna stand out. Oh, finishing my thought what I mentioned about maturity, yeah. It's just like's just like, why it might be confusing is because someone who is his stature, he's got a lot of lived experience

that a lot of 21-year-old men don't have. He's got access to a lot of money that most men his age. He's traveling and seeing the world and doing things a lot of men his age haven't experienced. So he, in a lot of situations, might present as mature because of his experience. But on the flip side, the more you get to know him,

the more his immaturity will stand out. But that won't be until after you have fallen head over heels for this guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree with that. I think the position that I'm in is very avoidant. Like don't get overly involved.

Don't wanna get overly emotional because I don't wanna put myself in a situation to get hurt again. You are putting yourself in a position to get hurt again. Yes. No, I completely agree with you. Like when I've told people this story, I think the professional athlete thing

does kind of weigh over all else. Everyone's like, oh my gosh, that's so funny and fun. And you know, but when it comes down to it, one night is one thing, but long-term probably would end up hurting myself because I would get attached. Think of all the energy you are putting into this guy already. Yeah.

And you know nothing about him. You haven't even had sex with him or slept with him. You're not in a relationship with him. And yet you are pretty invested already. You think that's gonna decline? Yeah, it's not the same level of output, because he's probably not thinking about me or. Nope, he is not reaching out,

he's not asking anyone for advice of what he should say to you if he were to DM you. Yeah, no, just me, just me. Not on the level playing field. That's my big takeaway is, for you to entertain someone like this, it's more about checking in with yourself and ask yourself, how does this person make me feel?

You've heard me say stuff like that before. And I don't mean like, oh, well, this is exciting, but that excitement also is like, he makes you feel nervous. He makes you feel out of control a little bit, you know? I'm willing to do things, I'm catching myself saying, oh, it doesn't matter, I am making excuses and telling things that normally would matter to me, and I'm telling myself they don't matter because of him.

Why? Well, that makes me vulnerable to getting hurt. That makes me vulnerable to not enforcing my boundaries. Yeah. So listen, if you wanna do dangerous things for the story or for the plot, if your heart hasn't been broken enough, go nuts. Yeah, yeah, I don't, I don't want to do things just for the plot. Like, I also, like, I am in therapy,

I am working on all of this stuff. My therapist doesn't know about the situation, so maybe that's why I'm kind of like going off the handle a little bit with it. But yeah, I think it all sounds like fun and exciting in theory, but I agree like I'm putting in so much or This much effort already and I don't know him very well Like it was one night and if I don't want to just hurt myself in the long run I should probably just kind of like leave it alone and now your ego Your ego knows that he hasn't reached out yet But the truth is that if he really wanted to, he would. And I would love for you to get to a place

where you focus on the fact that he didn't reach out and instead of letting your ego get triggered and tell yourself, hey, you need to prove to yourself that you do stand out in the sea of women that he almost certainly is hooking up with because that is your opportunity to feel special. Instead of you doing that, I would love for you to just recognize that, uh, he hasn't reached out and that you are deserving already as you are as someone

who is, you stand, you know, obviously you're a beautiful woman, you know, like I'm sure you get a lot of attention from men and I'd like for you to focus on that and let that be enough. Because like, again, it is not your fault you got cheated on. But having talked to you for these few minutes, you clearly are not enforcing boundaries. I don't even know if you're setting them with yourself and you are a victim to your ego

because instead of walking away, I mean listen, and I'm not saying listen, if you got cheated on and you wanted to work through it with your partner, there's a lot of people who decide to do that and it works out. But again, I have no idea what conversations you and your ex-boyfriend had, but having talked to you right now

as someone who's so willing to not enforce a boundary or even set them with yourself with this athlete, my guess is when you found out you got cheated on, you were so hurt and so upset that you just wanted to figure out how you could kind of forget it happened and you just wanted to hear I'm sorry and you just wanted to hear I'll never do it again.

And you were just like, I'm just gonna believe him because like you didn't wanna face the pain of being cheated on and you didn't wanna face what you thought that said about who you were. And you didn't wanna hear your ego. So instead of like sitting down with them and figuring out how could this happen, what does he have to work on, what does he have to fix,

how can you build the trust back and really like sit through that pain. Those can be a very difficult period for a couple who's working through stuff like that to fix the problem because you have to face a lot of the issues. I'm guessing you didn't do a ton of that in your last, you're just kind of nodding and smiling.

Yeah, so. Yeah, yeah, no, you hit the nail on the head with that one for sure. So, you know, all you are doing, all the, you know, I think you meeting this athlete was a blessing, but like you have to see it differently than you're seeing it now. I think it was a reminder to you that you're not where you need to be and right now you're

incredibly susceptible to not, I'm not worried about this hockey player because in a chance he's in his off season, he's 21. How many 21 year olds would you entertain? Probably not, not many. And do you think the 21 year old athlete is more or less likely to be capable of being in the type of mature relationship? Forget about boyfriend and girlfriend. Just like, let's say, when I asked you, what do you want out of this?

And you kind of described like this kind of casual hookup friendship that was kind of like, you know, we would just like hang out and have fun sometimes. And like, maybe we'd have dinner or maybe he'd take me on a trip. Maybe we'd fuck. I don't know. But I would be so disconnected, it wouldn't bother me. Yada, yada, yada. And like what you were you were describing a fantasy.

You know, yeah. Right. You know, like you're You're describing a fictional movie. Yeah. And you would never entertain a 21-year-old guy for valid reasons, because you would be like, I'm way more mature than what they're gonna be able to bring and I don't wanna babysit a 21-year-old guy. And you are so willing to throw that all out the window

for the chance to be around him, a professional athlete, because your ego is very excited about, you know, you telling your friends and that story, and just the excitement. It's just like, it would make you feel kind of special to be hanging out with him. And you are very susceptible to your ego right now. You need to figure that out because what's not,

you know, it's not that you're gonna hang out with him because the only thing that's gonna, the only thing that's protecting you with this professional athlete is all his other options. So you move on from him, but you're gonna find, you know, you're gonna meet another attractive guy, you know, and that attractive guy who, you know, that you find attractive is gonna trigger you just like this guy triggered you, that you find attractive

is gonna trigger you just like this guy triggered you, that you're gonna feel that spark, you're gonna feel that excitement. And you're gonna be susceptible and you're not gonna qualify him. And by qualifying him, I mean, you're not gonna get to know him to find out whether, is this another fuck boy who eventually

I'm gonna fall in love with and he's gonna cheat on me? Or is this someone who actually is like a good guy who like wants the same things I want and is willing to like get to know me and allow me to get to know him so that we could see if there's something there, you know? And you're not gonna do that. And you're gonna be susceptible

to entering in another relationship where you end up getting cheated on again. And so when people like say, well, I've been cheated on by multiple partners, like again, it's not their fault that they got cheated on, but it is your fault that you're not learning from your past behaviors and you're not working on the things that caught like allowed you to stay in a relationship that wasn't worthy of you. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, for sure. And you're doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result, which is the literal definition of crazy. Definition of insanity. Yeah, insanity. So you need to start changing that behavior and recognizing it.

You can say, you can have that night that you had with that professional athlete and you know what? As much as I talk about like ego and validation, like every human needs and is deserving of some validation, especially in a relationship. So let that validate you. You know what, of all the people that night, he wanted me, great, you're special, right?

And you can allow that without you completely trying to figure out, well, how do I lock this guy down? How do I get more attention from him? Again, until you are able to look at his buddy who he sent over, roll your eyes and kind of being like, if he wants to talk to me, he can come over and talk to me. And until you can confidently do that, or it's not even like, it's second nature for you to do that and not act like a dick or a bitch

or whatever you wanna call it, but like playful and like, and just know that like you would never. That's a boundary you need to set for yourself. I don't let people send their buddies over to hit on me. You know, that's lazy. I don't wanna be with lazy men. I want someone who has the confidence and is willing to make the effort to come and talk to me

and not, like his first encounter set the precedent with you that he's not, you're not worthy and you're not worth the effort to walk over and say hi. You're not worth him getting nervous and you know, just like any other person, it's nerve wracking to go walk over to a stranger and introduce yourself. And you weren't worth the effort.

He sent his buddy. Yeah. Yeah, that's, I mean, I didn't even think of it like that, but you're very, very accurate in that statement. And that's how your relationship with him started. Yeah. That was your first encounter. Not an ideal.

So you need to, you know, and so like that's a lesson you can learn in the future. I don't care who it is. I don't care if it's a professional athlete or just Joe Schmoe. But the next time someone sends someone over to hit on you, red flag. Like, and you just kind of, and then that's your opportunity,

next time that happens, you're like, yeah, if your body wants to hit on me, he comes in on you. And then he would have, by the way, that athlete, had you said that, he would have done that, almost certainly. And had he not, you would have saved yourself. Because if he wasn't, then he's, well, that guy has a very high opinion of who he is

and what he thinks his role in any relationship is, which is like, he thinks he just exists because of who he is. But if he were to come over and accept the challenge, you throw out the gauntlet and he's like, all right, I love a challenge. Then that gives you an opportunity to banter and tease. Be like, what, you'd have a minions or something?

What, you're too, you know, like, was I not worth getting, you know, a little nervous to come say hi? You got to, you know, you got to be on his level, you know, you got to be the person, you know, he is so used to women like you changing who they are and their behavior because of who he is. And if you really want to stand out, that's not the way to do it. Yeah, for sure. I didn't, I mean, it was like fun in the moment, but everything that you're saying is if it

was a normal guy or normal situation, even though I didn't know who he was, maybe just considering what I've gone through and the journey that I'm taking out of that. I probably would have done something more like, oh, if he wants to talk to me, he can come do it himself and like, teased him for that. That seems more like my personality. But I think considering the circumstances, probably just kind of taking whatever was coming my way. And you're right, it's not the way to start whatever this may have been with him being lazy and not making the initial move and things like that.

So he just was existing and thinking he's hot shit, which I mean, he was nice, but I mean, I agree with what you're saying. I'm sure he was lovely and I'm sure he's a swell guy. And I don't know anything about who he is, but just like he's demonstrating, if nothing else, a lot of immaturity and a lot of red flags about someone who just doesn't think they need to be

on people's level. You know, like he's not looking for his equal right now. He's looking for a good time. And the thing that you have a best chance of getting from this guy is most likely herpes and nothing else. Yeah. For sure.

And I don't want that. You know, listen, if you get it, whatever, you'll live. But not to shame anyone who has gotten it, but you know, it is permanent. And you know, it's also more common than people realize. And his behavior is setting him. Anyways, not to get into the whole herpes conversation, but Yeah, listen you have some work to do on yourself and that's okay we all do and that's and honestly this is a blessing

this is a blessing and this was this was a Almost this was the most painless reminder that actually you actually had some fun doing of you need you have some work to do when it comes to you going out there and dating and right now it was a very painless reminder that you are susceptible to getting hurt from men who are very capable of being in control around women they desire. Because right now when you meet and encounter men you desire, you throw away all your boundaries in self-control

and you are a victim to your ego. Yeah, yeah. I think that's very accurate for sure. Which is why I'm in therapy. That's awesome. Trying to figure all that out. Have you just not had a therapy session or are you avoiding telling your therapist?

I guess I didn't think that the situation was as deep as it was until you brought all of this up. Cause like I said, everyone I've told just thinks it's funny and it's fun and exciting. But- It is all those things. But for someone, well, again, I don't think my, my advice wouldn't have changed had I not found out that your past relationship

was you being cheated on. But now that I have known, know that it is that, I think it's that much more, I guess, serious, you know? But listen, it is fun and funny, you know? it's just kind of, you have to ask yourself, what do you want for yourself and stop lying to yourself that it's like, I don't want anything. I just want to have a good time. What you want right now, what you want,

what I'm hearing is you want to go out and still have fun and connect without getting hurt. Yeah, which is pretty hard to do. Sure, yeah, but you're not gonna not get hurt by lying to yourself and telling yourself that you wanna avoid connection all while still investing a ton of your energy in people. At the end of the day, that's what you need to,

like if nothing else, if you leave with this, is that you need to be mindful of how much energy you put into any one person or thing. And it doesn't matter what you tell yourself or how much you care or don't care. The proof is in the energy you're willing to put into it. You know? Oh, I don't care.

And then, you know, I don't care about her. And then you spend all fucking day talking about her to your friends. You fucking care. You know what I'm saying? So, how much energy you put into anything is the barometer for how much you care about it. And so ask yourself,

how much thought have I put into this situation? How much thought have I put into this person? You care. So you really care about this guy. Maybe not in like a romantic way, but you care about what he thinks. And if you care a lot, that means you are very much invested in him.

When you are invested in things, you are susceptible of disappointment, you know? Yeah. When you care about things and things don't go your way, does it affect you a lot or a little versus things that you actually don't care about? Yeah, it's not gonna bother me if I don't care. And if I'm doing all of this for something that didn't even really mean anything, I think even regardless of the outcome of this, I would be slightly disappointed because of whatever he did or didn't respond

or wherever it went just because my age could go. Yeah, because of the energy you put in. Well, yeah, or just the energy you put in. Yeah. If you were to, let's say, get into model planes and spend 13 hours making a model plane and then it either broke or someone told you it looked ugly, that would bother you, it would care.

Because you spent all day putting that model plane together. You put energy and effort into it. And so you would be invested. So whatever you invest in, you're gonna care about. Yeah. And you are invested in him. Yeah, yeah, probably too much. Yeah.

But. So this is, yeah, like I said, big takeaway is this was a very painless, hopefully good lesson for you. And hopefully you can take this and go chat with your therapist and continue the conversation that you and I are having and try to What you need to try to work on is identifying this on your own without people like me or your therapist pointing it out to you

Yeah, and you should do this. You got to start by setting what are your like? What are your actual boundaries when it comes to dating? It's okay if you want to have the summer of Rachel You know what I'm saying? Like but you can have the summer of Rachel You can know what I'm saying? But you can have the summer of Rachel, you can have boundaries so that you're not a victim of your ego. And again, your simple boundary could be, if someone wants to hit on me in public, I don't let their friends do it for them.

Yeah. That one's pretty easy. There you go. Not hard to enforce. Yeah. By the way, next time, stop telling men that you're going to, that they don't like, even like, I know he's fucking around and playing pool, but he's like, if I make this shot, you're like, I was going to go home with

you anyways. Jesus fucking Christ. Like, that might be true, but you don't have to point it out. Yeah, I know. I know that That was not good on my part. I don't like to seem like desperate outwardly or anything, but yeah. It's not that you're desperate, it's just what it is. It's pointing out that like you have no bound. You know, it's like you have no boundaries. You're just like, yeah, I'm gonna do this anyways, you know? Like you, and it's also a sign to him

that you can't hold your power or maintain your power and that you're just. Yeah, yeah, you know, like you, it's also a sign to him that you can't, you can't hold your power and maintain your power and that you're just, yeah. Yeah, I know. Not my best move. It's okay. I mean, it's fine, you know, but something for you to work on. Yeah. I agree with everything you're saying. So I think I'm gonna, I'm gonna hold off on reaching out and shooting my shot and take all this into my therapy session next week and let my girl know about what's going on. You need to work on meeting men that you desire and not changing your behaviors and ignoring your boundaries

because that's what you do right now. Yeah, I agree. That was the whole issue with my ex and I thought getting rid of him was going to help, but I mean it did, but now I have to keep that momentum. But now you are susceptible to finding Matt 2.0, if I don't know what his name is. Yeah, God forbid I don't want that at all.

Well, I can almost guarantee that's what's going to happen unless you make some changes. Yes. Yeah. I agree with you for sure on all of that. Well good luck. We would certainly love an update on how you have been able to incorporate this in the future and maybe you hopefully you've made some progress in the summer of Rachel.

Listen, it's just check in with yourself. Slow down. When you meet someone you get excited about, acknowledge it, hey, this is pretty cool. I'm excited, I'm interested. But what does that mean for me? It means that I am susceptible of giving into things that I know eventually might hurt me.

And you can say that to yourself, repeat it to yourself. You can do that in the moment. You could be at the bar. I don't know how much alcohol is involved in these situations, but like, you know what I'm saying? You can say, all right, oh, here we go. Obviously, in front of your fucking cute, but like, I know old Rachel, what she would do,

and let's just try to do things a little differently. At least play the fucking game, you know? Yeah. All right? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I'll let you know how the summer of Rachel goes once I figure myself out a little bit more

and learn how to enforce my boundaries. All right, you got a ton of potential, life's good. You're doing great, but just like, give yourself more credit than you deserve and be more honest with yourself when you're in these situations. Because I think you're a perfect example of just like the struggles a lot of us go through and just how much of this is in your control and how much of your power

and control you are just giving away just without people even asking. Just it's you're having a rummage sale and charging nothing. Yeah. Well, that sounds terrible, but yeah, I agree with you. All right, well, you know how to act around men you're not interested in. Yeah, for sure. That's not hard.

Well, but think about it. And replicate that with men that you are. And it just comes down to checking in, slowing down, and enforcing those boundaries. Yeah, I can do that. I'm going to work on that for sure. All right, good luck. Keep us posted. Okay, thanks so much, Nick.

Our pleasure, my pleasure. Take care. All right, bye-bye. Yeah, bye. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. Well, we know how difficult life can be. Doesn't matter what you're stressed out about, whether it's life, work, money, relationships, it doesn't matter. It's always nice to have a mental health professional to bend your ear. We all talk about, I have almost every episode, how important therapy is and we also know how intimidating it can be, how difficult it can be to find a therapist that connects with you, and how expensive it can be. Well, when it comes to better help, they're helping with all

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that I'm back together with my ex. Okay, two questions off the bat. Why are you back with your ex and why are you afraid to tell your parents? Well, I'm back with my ex after a very long journey of, he kind of came back into the picture around October time, so like seven, eight months ago. And I was totally against getting back together with him.

And he just kind of whittled away at me over the past few months and really proved to me that he wanted to be back together with me. So as of like two months ago, we've been officially back together and it's been better than ever. Why'd you break up? We broke up. So we started dating about two years ago, the first time. And then it was kind of, I was really young. He's 12 years older than me. So that's another factor. So I'll do you again. I'm 26.

Okay. And he's 38. Okay. So that was kind of a factor. I was 23 when we met and I was pretty young and immature. And he was still kind of getting over a really bad breakup that he was, he was in a relationship for about four years and it was a very bad breakup. So he was still kind of dealing with that. And I don't think

that he was really ready to be in a relationship. So then it kind of just led into kind of a hot mess of us being good together. And we ended up breaking up just because he kind of treated me like shit. And he ended up breaking up with me. And I've just been heartbroken over it ever since then. When you say he treated you like shit and he ended up breaking up with me and I've just been heartbroken over it ever since then. When you say he treated you like shit, what specifically, how did he act? It was kind of like, he would always blow me off whenever I wanted to hang out with him.

It kind of came out after the fact that he was kind of talking to someone else at the end of our relationship. So it's kind of a cheating situation as well. Were you boyfriend and girlfriend? Yeah, we were. And so why would it not be cheating? Right.

It was like, we were kind of like on a break situation and then yeah, he was talking to someone else on the side. So I didn't know that when we broke up, but it came out after the fact and- What did he say about that? He, I mean, when we started talking, I mean, we didn't talk after we broke up at all. But then when he kind of came back into my life, he took full accountability for it.

And he was like, yeah, I was talking to her and I didn't really know like how to end things with you. So I just kind of like ran another direction. And how did he enter your life again? We met through work, basically. So I did his health insurance for his company. Okay. But how did he re-enter your life after? We were actually, we go to the same church.

So I was at church and I was alone at church. And he walked up to me and he was basically like, we have a conversation. And so he came over after church and basically spilled the tart out and said that he would do anything that he could be back together with me. And he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Oh my god.

And at that point, I was like. The rest of his life, he went from. Yeah. OK. And why was he so certain then? We live in a pretty small town, so we would see each other around all the time. And he just said that he regretted how everything happened for the past year. Like every time he would see me, he would just regret that we broke up in the first place.

Okay. I'm sure that was nice to hear. And so you've been avoiding telling your parents, and you've been back together for the past two months and not told mom and dad. I'm assuming that when you did end things the first time and you were very upset, at least one of them or both of them were people you expressed sadness to around the situation?

Yeah, so that's kind of another layer is my parents really did not like us together the first time around either. Why? I think you're gonna ask this question. So he kind of that relationship that he was in before that girlfriend kind of crashed his name around town and like I said we're in like a super small community and everyone knows everyone so he kind of got a lot of shit talked about him. What was the shit talk about? I don't know, just like that he was kind of, well, he was actually, he like had addiction problems.

So he was an alcoholic and he used drugs. So that was like added into all of that. So they kind of broke up because of that. And I just think it was a really toxic relationship. Yeah, she's kind of, that ex also has her problems. I've seen firsthand, so. Yeah, I don't doubt it. I think that's true.

Yeah, it's just like a perfect storm of chaos for them. But so yeah, that was, I mean, the age combined with that was kind of why they didn't like him. And my parents are super protective of me. I'm the baby of the family and I kind of have a track record of not making good decisions. So they were not on board at all. When you say he whittled you down and what is that like? So he when he came back in your life he's like I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making it up to you. What does whittling down look like?

What did you first say? How did he court you? What did you do, if anything, to see if he was sincere with his words? Yeah, so when he first said all that to me, I was like, this is such bullshit. Absolutely not. This is just whatever. I kinda thought it was funny because I had just spent the last year being like, this is such bullshit. Like, absolutely not. This is just whatever. I kind of thought it was

funny because I had just like spent the last year being like, he's such a loser. Like all this stuff. So I was like, he's never gonna follow through with it. And I didn't have any expectations around it. But I was kind of just like, serious what he would do to I mean, I kind of, I was still like trying to get over him, but I knew I shouldn't be with him. So I was like, huh, let's see if he'll actually try cause he did it the first time. So, I mean, we would hang out, he would send me flowers, he would ask me on dates, he would, you know, bring me coffee in the morning before I go to work. We had a ton of conversations about everything and honestly, it kind of helped give me closure, our conversations from the first time. But then, I mean, I was like

very like, we're not going to be together for the first five months of us being in each other's lives again. I kind of thought that we would just be friends again, but then the more time we spent together, the more it was like we're totally different people now. And he's done a lot of growth and change in his life. How has he done that? He is back in therapy. He was in therapy, and then he stopped. And so he's back in that. He, I mean, he goes to church all the time, but And so he's back in that. He, I mean, he goes to church all the time, but he did that before too. It just seems like he has done a lot of self-reflection. And I feel like the first time we were together,

it was like very much victim mentality. And now it just seems like he takes full responsibility for everything that he did to me, how he hurt me. He still apologizes like just yesterday morning, he was apologizing again for how he hurt me. He still apologizes like just yesterday morning. He was apologizing again for how he hurt me. Does he take accountability for how he hurt his past girlfriend regardless of the role she played? Yes. He is like, I mean, I think that he knows that he played a big role in it. I've asked him that too because I'm like, it's not just one person that talks about a relationship. So I think that

he takes accountability for it. You don't know for sure though? No, I mean, I would. I only ask because it's easier to take accountability when you want something from someone. He wants something from you. He wants access to you. He wants your attention, your time.

He wants to be in a relationship with you. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. So there's no incentive for him to take accountability other than just wanting to be accountable. And with you, it's unclear whether he wants to be accountable or he just wants you. And with her, you know what I'm saying? So if I were you, I would want to hear,

if I were your parent, if I were your dad, I would want to hear, I'd want to feel like, I'd want to see him be accountable. I'd be more interested in his accountability for his past relationships and the ones he doesn't want to feel like I'd want to see him be accountable. I'd be more interested in his accountability for his past relationships and the ones he doesn't want to be in rather than how accountable he says he wants to be with you because he is incentivized.

Listen, as far as your parents go, you're just going to have to tell them. And that is something, honestly, the fact, the longer you hide it from them, the longer to me that saying that there's something inside you that doesn't fully feel secure and safe in this relationship. I don't doubt that you're having

a really good time with them. And I don't doubt he's saying and doing a lot of the things that you never thought he would do and he's doing and obviously that's a great sign and that feels good and it's early on. But there's a reason why you're not telling your parents. So the last time I think the biggest reason I'm scared is because I mean I want to tell them like I kind of want to know just like how to tell them. I mean there's no perfect way you know they're not gonna

be happy. Yeah I know I've kind of just been like, if I come at it with like, love and like, I want you to last time that we were together and I told him that I was going to be with him whether they liked it or not. Basically, my mom kind of stopped talking to me for a while she didn't wish me happy birthday. And that like really hurt. So yeah, it was like a bigger thing than it should have been. And I felt like pretty abandoned by my family because I wanted to be with him. That's like why I'm scared. It's not really, I honestly feel super confident in like him and I's relationship now, but I don't want to lose my family over wanting to be with someone.

And do you think I want them to be there along the way? For sure. It's obviously extreme for your mom. Like, did she get your mom, give you the cold shoulder for a while? Or did she like cut you off? I just kind of the cold shoulder. She didn't cut me off, but yeah, it wasn't, wasn't good. And I'm super close to my family too.

So it was very hurtful. And are, you know, your parents, I don't know them, you know them, are they that, I guess, extreme, or do you think they were that concerned? You know, is that typical behavior of your parents to do what they did? No, it's not. I think that they were concerned. So they have very strong feelings about him.

Yeah. So much so that they kind of act out in ways that they don't even normally act out in. Yeah, uh-huh. Now it's like, I kind of lost credibility, I feel like, because I was defending him the first time and then now... Well, yeah, my guess is your parents see how much you change and compromise for him, you know? And that's, I'm guessing as a parent, fairly scary. Because they see you not be able to enforce a boundary.

You know, they see you make excuses, and they see you, because of your feelings, you know, which is why, you know, like, it's always easy, you know, why is it always easy for other people to give advice, but harder for you to take it, right? Well, you're emotionally invested in this situation, right? So for you, it's hard for you, it's gonna be harder for you, period,

to recognize a risk, to give the same advice to yourself that you would give to a friend, because you are invested in the outcome. And your parents, I mean, I guess maybe they're invested in the outcome because they don't like them, but they see you struggle. They see you accept behaviors that are not worthy of you. And in the first time you hung out with this guy,

they saw you make excuses for him, they saw you accept behaviors that they never thought you would accept, or they saw you not accept with people that you weren't as interested in. And that must be very nerve wracking and scary for a parent to see their daughter lose control of themselves for another guy. Because that's kind of what happened,

is you lost control. You were so emotionally invested in the outcome with him that you had a hard time controlling your emotions. And then it took you almost a year to try to get over this guy. And before you could fully get over him, he popped back into your life. And thankfully, you got over him enough

that you had to wear withal to say, hold on, buddy, I don't know if I totally believe you. But the truth is, like, you never really, Agver said no. You said, you gave the illusion of no, but your curiosity and your ego wanted to see if he really could change. So you let him back in.

And even though you told yourself, well, I'm not going to date him for at least five or six months, that wasn't really true either. That was you again, kind of lying to yourself and making yourself feel like you're actually saying no to him. But you kept hanging out with him probably almost every day. And the more he wanted you, the more you kind of said yes. But you just made him, instead of asking once, you made him ask three times, you know, type of thing. Yeah.

So listen, I have no doubt this has gone very well. And I'm not trying to doubt him. I do believe people can change, I do. But it's a risk, you're taking a risk. And I don't know what else to tell you. And you have to recognize that risk. And you have to recognize that risk. And you have to recognize that you're only two months in. And you're just gonna have to do the work.

And as far as your parents go, the best thing for you to do is to empathize with their concern. Right. You can't get defensive and you can't act like a victim. That bothered you with him. You're not a victim in this situation of your parents' disappointment

for you hanging out with them. That's a choice you're making. And you have to recognize that your parents have every valid reason to be concerned. It's the normal response. For your parents not to be concerned would be for your parents to honestly not really give a shit about you. And you don't want your parents not to give a shit about you. And you don't want your parents not to give a shit about you.

So you really need to empathize with their concern. You almost need to appreciate and be grateful for their concern. Understand that you're probably not going to take their advice right now and you're gonna take the risk. But that's, you know, if you say this, I don't think your parents are gonna be like,

oh, okay, well, you know, you say it like this, we're gonna be fine. They're gonna be concerned. There's nothing you're gonna honestly say or do to make them be like, yeah, okay, well, you know what? You say it like this, we're gonna be fine. They're gonna be concerned. There's nothing you're gonna honestly say or do to make them be like, yeah, you know what, great. Let's bring them on over. We love this guy at first, right? But the best thing you can do, instead of being defiant,

instead of acting like you don't care and to your parents sounding delusional, you know? Because if you show up and say, hey, mom, dad, I have something to tell you, I'm dating Rick again. And honestly, it's better than ever before. And I know you're concerned, but I, you know, to be honest, I'm just, I'm gonna date him anyway. So like, I'm just telling you out of courtesy,

but like, it's been amazing. He's in therapy. They're gonna be like, oh my God, she is blinded by this guy. Not only do they don't care, they're just gonna be concerned because they're gonna, they're gonna be, it's not that they don't care. Not only do they don't care, they're just gonna be concerned because they're gonna be, it's not that they don't care, they care deeply. They care that you are not making sound decisions

and that you are thinking with the wrong brain or whatever you wanna call it. They're gonna think that you're not seeing things clearly and they're gonna be concerned because you have a history of making poor decisions for yourself. Like you've said this out loud. So what have you done to make the different decisions for yourself?

I don't know. But the best thing you can do is at least say mom and dad, I I'm going to tell you something. I know you're going to be upset. And I just want you to know, like, I understand your concerns. And I also understand that I'm taking a risk, but to risk, I'm I bet if you said that, that would make him feel a little bit better. Because my guess is, up until this point,

every bad decision you've made that you've almost realized is you've denied that it was a risk. That you just pretended that it was some sort of great decision, and you were with all your friends or your parents, anytime they would question you, instead of acknowledging the risk, you would try to convince them that it wasn't.

And that sounds like delusion. And that makes us more concerned for the people we care about when they start sounding delusional. Because we see that they're not being honest with themselves, they are ignoring the signs. You know, they are ignoring the red flags. And then, you know, we're just like, all right, well, when you realize what we already realized,

let us know because to pick up the pieces, you know. So for starters, you acknowledging your risk with him and knowing that you, you know, that you accept that risk and know that it might not end the way you still hope, your parents hearing that, well, I'm guessing we'll give them some peace of mind. I don't think it's going to make them happy, but I think that will give them at least some peace of mind. But you have to make sure that you still, you know, you can still be happy with how things are and still recognize that you're still some risks in this relationship. Do you? I mean, do you recognize that there are?

Yeah, 100%. And yeah, I mean, do you recognize that there are? Yeah, 100%. And yeah, I mean... Because you are so far from being out of the woods, it's not even funny. Uh-huh. Well, like, he always... He's still in the prove it stage. He's still in the, like, this is so very new. Like, he hasn't proven shit yet. He doesn't prove anything until he knows he has you, until you are emotionally connected, until you are both invested. And then when he's no longer worried of proving

to you or your parents or to anyone and his behavior stays consistent, that's when you'll really know. That's the risk that you are entering in. The risk is no matter what he says in now in the next couple months really doesn't mean anything Because he doesn't even really know he doesn't know how he's going to act When he has nothing to prove and he has so much to prove right now. That is what's motivating him But yeah, I mean like even if even if, like also with my parents, it's like, even if, like it does end poorly again, or like, even if I am making a mistake,

I want them to be there to support me and like be there by my side. Well, the best thing you can do is show them. Like I don't, yeah. The best thing you do is you can show them that you recognize your risk. I don't know what's gonna happen, but like, yeah, I want you to be there with me along the way

and help me and see our relationship firsthand and not just judge it from the outside. They haven't even met him, so they've never met him in person. So I'm like, it kind of is just, I don't know, it's like he's not even a real person in their mind. Yeah, they've heard, they've witnessed how he's treated you. That's all that matters to them. They've witnessed how you are around him. And that matters. They see how you act. I just don't know how to even start the conversation with them.

That's the thing. There's no- It kind of is. I'm invested in him now. I'm going to see it out. I can't walk away from it right now. I feel so good and confident right now that it's like, even if they were like, you shouldn't do it, I would still do it. But I don't want to be like, well, be there or don't be there.

I'm going to do it anyways, because that's kind of how I was last time. Well, then don't say to be like, well, be there, be there or don't be there, cause I'm gonna do it anyways, cause that's like kinda how I was last time. Well then don't say that. I understand that's not what you do regardless, but how you deliver it matters. And again, I think it comes down to, I don't think, to be honest with you, I don't think you fully understand the risks.

I think you're so excited and happy right now, and thankful you finally got what you always wanted, you know, that's kind of where you're at. And that's totally normal, and I understand, I'm not trying to rain on your pride, but you know, this is a big risk. It's an emotional risk. And I've taken risks before.

I'm not knocking you from taking the risks. I'm not telling you to end it with this guy. I'm just telling you to be hyper aware and honest with yourself about the risks that you're in. And you need to keep checking in with yourself and you need to keep doing the work and you need to keep focusing on you and asking yourself how I'm feeling about this relationship. You have to be willing to still check in with them and challenge him and not just be thankful that he's there and not just be thankful that he's there

and not just be thankful that he's sorry. You gotta continue to grow the relationship. And even then it's just like- And I feel like we, yeah, I mean, and you don't really care about that, but we do talk every day about how we're gonna be better together, how he's gonna be better, how I'm gonna be better.

We're both very much into therapy and working on ourselves. That's awesome. That's cool. Reassuring. It could definitely work out. But the fact that he is an alcoholic, that in itself makes it riskier. Just because I don't know much about alcoholism, but I imagine it takes a lot of energy to stay sober, you know, over time.

So that's energy he has to invest in his sobriety as much as he has to invest in you. And maybe, you know, maybe that's not a fair thing. I'm just saying like, he's got a lot going on. Yeah, he does. I mean, he's been sober for four years, so he's pretty stable with that. But yeah, he does have a lot going on. You just got to take in it and you got to be willing to take it slow too.

Yeah, I've like conversations about the future you guys had recently. He like, popped the brakes a little bit. I mean he's like, he is very much like full speed ahead. Yeah, that's a red flag. Yeah, I've kind of, I mean, I've told him that it like bothers me that he like talks about it that much. Like obviously like we're, I always tell him like, I'm not just like dating you for fun. Like obviously I do see a future with you,

but like it's not like I want to turn around and get married tomorrow. You guys, yeah, you still don't know each other. You don't. You're getting to know each other. You know a lot about each other, but there's way more you don't know than you know. And no amount of conversations you have and no amount of like all-night talks are going to make up for just what time is going to bring you. And lived experiences and seeing and putting yourself in situations that can cause stress Or you know when life gets him down, you know work or whatever You know, how does he stay connected to you and then the relationship?

How does he continue to prioritize you when he is comfortable with not and when he no longer is afraid of you? Accepting him or your family accepting him, again, then how does he act? But that might be a year or two from now. And you have to admit to yourself that you are- That does scare me. And that's fine. Every relationship has its risks.

Even ones that don't come with a lot of baggage. This could be a new guy who isn't an alcoholic, who doesn't have the history that he has, and there could still be risks that you're completely unaware of. Your parents could love a guy that you're dating, and he could be the biggest piece of shit behind closed doors. So who knows?

But the fact is, this is a risk, and you need to accept that and be okay with that But not deny it. Mm-hmm Yeah, and I don't I mean I every single like concern I have I bring it up to him like immediately Yeah, so and he's usually like very receptive and like takes accountability for it and like has changed When I ask him to change something so but I mean so yeah can you tell your parents I know I guess you sit them down and you say mom and dad I have something I want to share

with you so I'm just gonna say it you know don't you know you can say it's gonna upset you like you know just tell them because you know how it's gonna feel and no matter preface thing is gonna like help their anxiety you know it's just like I have something to tell you I know you it's gonna feel. No matter what prefacing is, it's gonna help their anxiety. It's just like, I have something to tell you. I know you're not gonna be happy with it, but I do wanna come, I love you, I care about what you think. I am seeing Rick again.

Now, I know that's concerning for you, and I completely understand why. And before I say anything else, I just want you to know that I recognize the risk I am taking. That being said, I do feel like I'm really putting into work to try to make better decisions for myself. And I know that probably, me telling you I'm seeing him

again sounds like the opposite of that, but I would love the opportunity to show you guys what the type of relationship we have been working on. And I don't know if this is gonna be end game for me. But I really feel good, I feel better about this decision. And again, I understand there's a risk, but I am and we are really putting in effort. So I don't know how you're gonna feel about it.

I don't know if you're gonna accept this decision, but it is a decision I am making. And I don't wanna sit there and say, I'm doing it without your support because I always want your support. I'm really trying to be the most mature about this. And again, the more mature you are with telling your parents and less defiant

and temper tantrum-y or throwing, I'm doing it regardless or not showing. And how do you handle their disappointment? You know, the more calm you can stay, stay, you know, regardless of what your mom says or your dad says, and you have to continue to empathize with their concern, I understand, your concern is valid, I know this is worrying you, and I really don't want to,

the more calm, like that, you will show your maturity, and they need to see that in you. You know what I'm saying? Because I'm guessing up into this point, all they have seen when you don't get your way is you stomping your feet, some version of this, some adult version and throwing a temper tantrum and telling them you don't really know me, you can't tell me what to do and just being defiant. And that that is you're just proving to your parents why they should be concerned.

Yeah, exactly. That's like why I've been like putting so much thought into how I'm gonna do it, because I don't want to approach it the wrong way. And then it just like, that'd be another layer of us figuring out if we're even supposed to be together. Like I want- Well, you accepting, acknowledging and empathizing with their disappointment

all in a calm way and giving them the grace to say whatever they want and voice their concerns without it triggering you and without you getting defensive will go a long way. Yeah, yeah. I feel confident about the first part. Like the first part, but I'm scared that they're just gonna really drill me

with a lot of questions and I am worried that I'll get defensive. So I need to go into it, you know, with the mindset of being mature about it and just like understanding. And so like, you know, the only thing that, you know, like, you know, when you tell them if they get triggered and they may, you know, you could say, Hey, listen, I, again, I understand your concern and understand you feel a certain way about him and I'm more than happy to talk through your concerns and I'm more than happy to acknowledge

he's got some things to work on. But I would appreciate it if you don't call him names or you know what I'm saying? Like if they were to do that, right? If they were like, he's a piece of, you know, like you don't have, you know, we can talk about him but you don't need to talk about him like that. You gotta date, call him. It't have, you know, we can talk about him, but you don't need to talk about him like that. You gotta date at home.

It's just, you gotta show. You know, up in this point, you haven't shown your parents your ability to make sound decisions for yourself. You just haven't. So until you do, they have no reason to believe you're going to. And on its face, you dating him again is the opposite of that. But you might be able to act differently this time around when telling them and then over time, you know, lead with love and just like if you know your mom is like I just need some time. I understand. You know, you need to be, you know, this conversation

should include a lot of I understand how you feel. Your feelings are valid. I totally understand why. I get your concern. A lot of that. I appreciate your feedback, I appreciate your concern. Your concern means a lot to me. I understand that I'm not like agreeing with everything or listening at all, but I do appreciate it because I know it's coming from a place of love, mom and dad, I really do. I really like, and again, I understand my risks.

I know this is a risk. I like to think that I'm really trying to go into this with my eyes wide open. And I'm working on maintaining my eyes wide open while I go through this. And here's how I'm going about doing it. Again, there's no guarantees, but I'm still getting to know him.

You gotta be careful about saying things like, well, we've been better than ever, and we've never been stronger, and that sounds like delusion. It's more like- I'm glad you said that, because that's something I probably would have said. No, it's just like things have been really good so far,

but we are taking it slow, and I'm really focused on getting to know him and working on things, and I'm being intentional with my choices and decisions and we'll see where it goes. I don't know the future, but this is something I do wanna try. And I'm really working on making better decisions

for myself. So I understand it's disappointing. I understand your concerns. I guess I'm asking for your support, but I know there's a chance you're not gonna give it, but I don't want this to affect our relationship. You know?

Yeah. And I still wanna be- Yeah, that's the scary part. Like, I don't wanna have to choose between dating someone in my family. Well, don't. Don't. Don't. Yeah.

Just, even if your mom gives you the cold shoulder, you can still reach out. On your birthday, you could have texted your mom, I love you and I miss you, but you didn't. You were stubborn, you were waiting for mom to, you played the game of chicken, you lost. I called my dad crying. Yeah, but like- My dad was kind of like the one I could talk to the whole time.

Like my mom didn't, I didn't listen to anything that I had to say about him the entire time last time. So your mom's scared. She's scared for you, that's why. And you need to recognize that and empathize that. And rather than getting mad at mom and angry at mom, you need to empathize with her concern and know that she is scared for her daughter.

Yeah, for sure. Maybe your mom sees some of her own decisions she's made for herself and you. I don't know, but. Well, I just feel like my family has, everyone has had literally the easiest, simplest lives, and I'm kind of like the black sheep that like went out and did something different.

And like, I didn't follow the exact same path as the rest of my family. So it's like, oh my gosh, can be crazy. Like what. Well, what do you mean? Like, again, different path and black sheep are two different things, you know? Like you're the one who earlier said,

I have a habit of making bad choices for myself. Is that true? Or are you just saying that because you made different choices than your family? It's more so just like, I've been like the rebel child. So like, I don't really think that my choices were bad necessarily, but my family kind of sees them as bad. Well, what would have been the outcomes of these decisions?

I mean, we know about him. I feel like I turned out just fine. Yeah, I mean, you look like, yeah, you look like you have, yeah, sure, you look like a wonderful, capable human being, but I guess, you know, how have you struggled? Well, how have, again, like, you don't even have to answer. Well, it's just like, it's more like,

I feel like my family, it's like, you're not allowed to make a mistake, and it's like, judged when you do make a mistake or like when you try something new. Or so it's just like they're from an even smaller town, like 5,000 people that they all married each other in the small town. And then I moved away and it's only different.

So you say to mom and dad, it's like, listen, obviously like I'm someone who's a little bit more of a risk taker, but again, a lot of it is just like, it's just, again, you're just coming from a place of love for your parents. They just wanna see you capable of making good decisions and accepting the risk. And it's just like, because again,

guessing up to this point, you have not at least demonstrated to your parents that you are aware of the risks. You went in confident that you knew how it was gonna to turn out and your parents like, all right, sure, great. And they ended up being right more often than you. Yeah. But I mean, it kind of just stuck last time because that's why this time I want them

to be supportive of me. Because I didn't, even when we were going through our breakup, it's like I kind of had to do it on my own and like lean on my friends that supported me no matter what. So it was just like why can't you support me no matter what? Everyone supports people differently I don't know and like listen I'm sure there's things your parents you're really it sounds like maybe there's things that you and your mom can work on with your relationship. Yeah, there probably is. But it goes both ways and you are an adult now and it's like, what do you want?

Do you want your mom to be your mom? Or you know what I'm saying? I guess it's a bit almost when you talk like that, you're almost kind of contradicting yourself. Because on some version you're just like, I just want mommy, I just want mommy's support and love. I just want her to be there for me. Kind of like you were when you were 12.

But also when you were 12, your mom had the power to tell you what you could and couldn't do, which she no longer has. And the only thing your mom has is the ability, what she thinks, is to give you the cold shoulder and deny you the love and access that you were so used to getting as a child. But as a child, she had the right to say,

you're not allowed to do that, and you had to listen. Now you don't have to. Yeah. And so, you get what I'm saying? You want that unconditional love and support. And what your mom wants for you is your own happiness and your peace of mind, and she doesn't wanna see her daughter emotionally struggle,

and she doesn't wanna see her daughter take a whole year getting over a guy that she thinks isn't worthy of her time. True. So you need to empathize with where your mom is coming from better than you are and take your own advice. When it was frustrating for your boyfriend to act like the victim, you need to recognize when it comes to your mom, you played the role of the victim. Why can't you just love and support me?

It's not fair just because I'm making different decisions in other people. Well, those decisions have brought you frustration at times and that's part of life. Listen, I'm not telling you to change who you are. I'm not telling you to be less of a risk taker. I'm a risk taker. I'm just telling you to like get better

at acknowledging that and then owning those risks and decisions by maintaining your calmness and your ability to empathize and validate the other people's feelings who share their concern for you. I will, for sure. All right, was this helpful? Okay, yeah, it was. You told me a lot of things to not say

that I like was like prepared to go in with. So I definitely, yeah, need to. to and listen you're not gonna remember everything I said but I want you to remember is you need to acknowledge your risks empathize with the people who have concern for you and and maintain your kind of calmness those are the three things I want you to remember. And then when this episode comes out, you can listen to this back. Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to be gone for the next two weeks. You're not going to prove to them in one conversation. There's nothing you can say to them that's going to make them feel okay about this. The only way they're going to feel good about

this is to see how you act around him and how you act to them when talking about this and how you two act as a couple over time. And in the meantime, you're gonna have to continue to show your parents your willingness to connect with them. So it doesn't matter what mom does or how she acts, you still reach out to her and you say, I love you. You be the big person in this relationship.

Because like sometimes when your mom pulls away, it's she's scared. She needs that comfort from you, that security. You know, you're playing this game of chicken of like who's reaching out to who. She's trying to send a signal by not reaching out to you for your birthday. So you need to send a signal back

that mom, I'm okay and I love you. And it's okay. I understand you're upset, but I love you and I miss you. When you're ready to get together, I hope we do. And nothing's stopping you from ever sending that. Yeah, definitely. All right. All right.

Okay. We'll get out there. All right, keep us posted. We'd love to know how this goes. Yeah, I definitely will. All right, take care. All right, bye-bye. Okay, thanks so much, bye.

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How's it going? Hey, it's Stacey. I'm 30 years old and I'm doing good. I just wanted to call and ask if my career was a turn off to Met. Okay, what is your career? So my career is, I'm a real estate investor and developer. I do everything from like flipping to rentals to new construction and land flipping

and wholesaling real estate. Why do you think this might be a turnoff to men? I feel like there's been a lot of times where I mentioned my career and things start to go like weird after that. And I think I really started to notice it when my ex-boyfriend told me that he would rather be the girl who worked at McDonald's than like a girl who had owned her own business. Really? That's interesting. Yeah. So-

How long did you guys stay together after that? Like a year. What did he do for work? He was a recruiter. And did you ask why he felt that way? Yeah, he said that he was waiting his whole life to finally start making six figures. And when he started to, it didn't mean as much

because I was doing so much better. Okay, how old was he? He's 31. I mean, listen, the short answer to your question is maybe, I guess, sounds like it was for your last boyfriend a turn off. And yeah, I guess it's, there's probably a lot of men who can feel emasculated by the success of women. And that is, I guess, just a sad reality of certain things.

But I guess, you know, it's one of those things where, what would you give up your career to appease men? No, I mean, I don't wanna work in my career forever. Like my, the reason why I'm grinding so hard right now is because I wanna be able to retire early. Okay. Like I wanna retire at 35, just like live my life and, you know, be able to support myself

because at the end of the day, like I can only rely on me, right? So like I don't have a man or like a family who can like support the lifestyle that I want to have. So I just continue to work hard to try to still obtain that. And then like I'm hoping to find someone along the way, but it's been kind of rough for me. And I don't know if it's necessarily my career or if it's like everybody's going through this or my personality. I don't, I have no idea like why. What do you think your personality is like?

To me, I'm just like bubbly and like silly and like sweet. And like I'm also no bullshit too. So that can be a little contrasting, but I'm not like that often. I just have a backbone, but I'm still a sweetheart. And I don't know. I feel like I just come off like this, just like- Yeah, I mean, you come off as bubbly and sweet, I guess.

And I don't know what you mean by no bullshit, but- You know how people who are nice they like also are pushovers? Like I'm not like that. Like I'm like, I have it all together. Like I have a backbone, like I just also am nice. And. How old are the men that you usually date? So I can tell you about the recent date

that inspired this, but like usually I date men who are around my age Like I don't really like people too much younger too much older So like maybe like late 20s to early 30s, okay But okay the last day that I went on the guy was like I think in his 40s Because he has a kid in college. So I'm just kind of assuming I didn't sure I didn't ask but and I didn't ask him, I don't know why I didn't ask, but.

And so on the date with him, I thought this was going to go great because he does exactly what I do. He is a developer. He's been investing in real estate for like seven years. I've been in it for like eight years before that he was an engineer. So I was like, oh, this guy's like really got it together. Like no way possible. Like my career would be a deterrent. He'd probably actually be more attracted to me

because like we could barely team up and be a power couple in real estate. And I'm on the date and it's going really well. And he's like, so happy to see me and like all complimentary. Oh, you're so beautiful. I love your smile, blah, blah, blah. And we get to like the question about like, well, what do you do for work?

And like, I hadn't really touched on it. So it's like, it shouldn't be like something I'm scared to talk about, but it is. And so like, we started talking about like, he's like, you're a realtor, right? And like, for me, that's a little bit of a trigger word. So I'm like, I do so much more than that. So I was like, no, actually, like, I do the same thing as you. Like, I've been doing development, I'm rezoning a lot right now, I'm really excited about and I've got Airbnb's and blah, no, actually, like I do the same thing as you. Like I've been doing development and I'm rezoning a lot right now.

I'm really excited about, and I've got Airbnbs and blah, blah, blah. And like he, like he's someone that, I guess his emotions show on his face, cause I could tell every moment of the date where something went weird. And like, that was like the first moment that anything went weird with him,

where he kind of like got like a, I don't know, very serious and like taken aback and kind of like, what, you know what I mean? And so like the date did rebound after that. We quit talking about work like right around that point after I explained what I do and it rebounded. And then, yeah, I don't know. Like there were some awkward moments in the date

that might like make him want to go out again, but, like, haven't heard from him in, like, two weeks. And I was, like, kind of excited about, like, potentially getting to date someone who does the same thing as me. What were some of the other awkward moments? So, we were talking about the weather. And, like, I'm not...

I don't think, like, sexual jokes are funny, but I accidentally made one. And so, like, I was, like, looking at funny, but I accidentally made one. So I was looking at him and I was like, yeah, I was going to wear shorts tonight too, because he said he was going to wear shorts. I was like, but it's going to go down to 69. So I was just planning on wearing pants.

Then as I said that, we both looked at each other, straight face and both paused. I was like, wasn't a joke. It was an awkward moment. I mean, that's barely a sexual joke. Okay. But it got like weird between us.

Maybe I was the one like being weird because I was like, why did I just say like the exact number 69? And then the next moment- Yeah, like sometimes I think we confuse our awkwardness with other people's awkwardness or, you know. Yeah, yeah. It felt we confuse our awkwardness with other people's awkwardness or, you know. Yeah, yeah. It felt like a weird thing between us.

And then the only, well, there's two other times where I noticed like his facial expression was like taken aback. So the next time I was like showing him my dog on my phone and a friend had messaged me, but her name, it's a girl, her name has a heart by it. And like after I showed him my dog and he saw like the message, maybe he didn't read the name,

but he like acted weird for like a solid couple of minutes. Like, and we had sex. Thrown off, I don't know. I mean, listen, it was just a first date. Other than you liked that you shared the same career, what did you like about this guy? I thought he was cute. And I feel like we didn't really get the chance to know each other that well.

Like there was like a decent vibe. So you thought he was cute, a little awkward, you had a decent vibe. Yeah. So why, why, why, I don't, do you really want to date someone who has the same career as you? Is that like a goal? I really do. I mean, it's not like a standard that I have set. So I actually dated a contractor while I was like actively flipping houses more so than like developing.

And it was just such a great dynamic between us. I really loved like helping each other build our businesses and then like also having fun with each other while doing it. So like to have someone who's like in the same industry just feel like they understand it, but also it's something that we could grow together and be like a team.

Yeah, but you can do that with someone who doesn't have the exact same industry as you. This other date that you just went on with a guy who's older who does exactly what you do, demonstrated that, you know? So, and why did that last relationship not work out the one that you enjoyed working with him? So he, I was like pretty young. I was like 23 when we met and he was sober

because he had drug addiction issues. And at the time I didn't know how serious that was, but he was sober throughout our relationship and then his dad passed away and he relapsed. Okay. And so then obviously I was like, well, I can't live a life where I'm always worried if someone's going to relapse. So you are your, your desire to date someone who has the same career is based off the memory of someone you dated about seven years ago.

That could be true. I didn't really like that day. Yeah. Told. Listen, true. I didn't really like that day. Yeah, listen, nothing I enjoy more. One of the few one of the many things I enjoy about my relationship is that Nellie and I feel like a team. And obviously people know she's been on the show more and more. And so like, on some levels, we work together, I've really enjoyed the partnership.

I love that I've always wanted to be a teammate in every possible way with my wife, my partner. Totally get that desire. And as someone who is career-oriented like you are, I could get that even more, right? But to me, that's what sounds like you're desiring more than just like I want someone. Because like, for example, you could date a lawyer or a doctor or an accountant or a teacher. What you want is to find someone who A, is as passionate about their career as you are, respects your career as much as they respect theirs

and is able to support and love you through like just being your teammate. Let's say they were a teacher, right? Whatever, obviously you would know a lot of things about real estate that they might not know and vice versa. But like a partner is just there to help you, like kind of round you out in ways that you might like

have some gaps or whatever, or just help you see things clearly, where you're emotionally invested, the person you can come and talk to and you can, hey, like run, long before Natalie ever was on the show and knew anything about podcasting, she was still someone who I would go to and just run ideas by or just vent to or, you know, and she would offer me support. You know, Natalie is good at a lot of things I'm not good at and vice versa.

So like she was able to, know offer that her expertise in there you know not even expertise but yes but just things that she was good at that I struggled with she could offer perspective that I might not might not come naturally to me and that felt like a partnership. You want a partner you know you don't necessarily want like a literal co-worker you know and it sounds like just hearing what I'm hearing from you, is that like what you felt from that relationship of supporting each other and helping each other grow your each other's businesses was a really

attractive thing that you had. And that makes total sense and that's great, but I'm just here to say you can get that from people who don't exactly have the exact same career as you. And this most recent date proved to you that like it all depends on how what that person sees. Do they see it as an opportunity or they see it as competition? The guy you just went on a date with, you said he got kind of weird and awkward. So maybe he's just like, I don't know. I don't like maybe his last partner also, maybe his ex-wife or whatever, also worked in real estate and they competed all the time.

And it was just like, you know, it never felt like they were on the same team, but in fact, it was competition. It was, they were always correct. It was always felt like a game of one-upping. Who knows more about the industry that you're in? And, you know, like it can go both ways. So, but back to your original kind of challenge, or is like, are men turned off by your career?

Listen, you're probably talking to the wrong guy. Because I've always been attracted to women who are career motivated, who are just motivated in general, who are passionate about, you know, I'm attracted to people who have passion. And there's a lot of men who are intimidated by women who have passion and clarity in what they wanna do, you know, and you have that.

You know, more specifically, it's your clarity and that you are about the passion that you have, and that is intimidating for anyone. So that puts you at risk of meeting a guy who, especially at your age, if you're dating men your age, especially nowadays, men are maturing slower at a slower rate than ever before. You know, people are maturing at a slower rate than ever before. You know, people are maturing at a slower rate than ever before. So which means that you're going to find a lot of men in the late 20s and early 30s who haven't figured it out yet. I mean, and you're looking at a guy who I was always very career motivated.

So I guess if you met me at 29, I would, I might seem like I had my shit figured out. I had a solid job, but I never felt like this was it, that was it for me. So I was just like, is this it? And kind of struggled. And so like you, someone who's like, I know what I wanna do, this is what I wanna do, I love what I wanna do,

like that could have been intimidating for me. Not to the point where I might not wanna like say, date someone like you when I was single, but I'm just saying in general, when you meet a guy who hasn't figured his shit out, anyone he meets who has his shit figured out is gonna remind him of what he doesn't have. So, and I think a lot of times it's less about,

I think there are also just some men who are just more misogynistic and old school and traditional and they're just like, you know, your ex who wanted someone who worked at McFucking McDonald's, like to me, that's a sign of a weak person, a weak man who just like doesn't have the confidence in himself that he's going to be able to figure his shit out. And he knows someone who's willing to work at McDonald's is never going to surpass him and make him feel less than. To me, like your ex-boyfriend just kind of revealed himself to be kind of weak. You know, I would just be unattractive to that person.

That's just me, right? So, but like, listen, not everyone's gonna be attracted to you, you know? You have curly hair. There are some guys who are just like, I don't like straight hair. I don't, you know what I'm saying? So like, whether it's your job or your hair or whatever,

like not everyone's gonna be into you. So there's that. So you could just accept that. That's the start. And I don't think you're gonna ever wanna change your career for a guy. So rather, you. So you could just accept that. That's a start. And I don't think you're gonna ever want to change your career for a guy. So rather, you know, it's just like, listen, I get it. And it might be frustrating. And I'm probably speaking in a position of a situation, you know, as a woman who's very successful and passionate career, that

should never feel like a negative for you. And unfortunately, it does. Because unfortunately, we operate in a world where there are a lot of men who are intimidated by that. And I've never had to experience that. I've never as a man had to experience feeling proud and successful in what I do and have the opposite sex judge me for it. And I'm sure that's a shitty feeling and I'm sorry you and any other woman who has to deal with it, that sucks. It's not fair. That being said, rather than let that bother you

and let that make you doubt what you are, like what you know you love is your job and it makes you feel good about yourself and you get a lot of sense of purpose and accomplishment from it. I know it's not what you wanna do forever, but you should stop that when you wanna stop it. All that should really do is help you qualify the men

that you go out with, right? And I think you need to kind of almost kind of take a step back and figure out what are the type, what it's worked for me, you know, what hasn't worked for me, what type of men should I go out with, you know? You mentioned, listen, you only date typically men your age and the reason why I asked is like one of the easier like fixes to your problem, not even fixes, but like a filter you might want to introduce in your picker is maybe try dating older men. You know, they don't have to be a lot older, you know,

but like it's more common that you're gonna find 29, 30, 31, 32 year old men who don't have their shit figured out. And it's gonna take a real confident 30 year old men who don't have their shit figured out. And it's gonna take a real confident 30 year old man to not be intimidated by your success or not be threatened by your success. I wish that weren't true. But, you know, maybe 35, 37, 38, you know, who you feel you can still connect with.

You know, it's like you want to find that older guy who doesn't feel like the older guy. Like I don't think an older guy who has an 18 year old kid is your guy. And listen, if you end up falling in love with him, then great, fine. But like maybe an older guy who you still feel is at the kind of same stage in life that you're at.

You know, that despite him being a little older than you, it's a better fit because you're kind of maybe way more mature than a lot of people your age. That for the average 30-year-old person, you're further ahead in life than a lot of people your age. And so my guess is you have a hard time relating to a lot of people your age because of the success that you've had. That you probably have more in common with older people who have more disposable income. I'm guessing there's a lot of things that you can do at your age that other people your age can't

because they can't afford it and you can. Yeah, maybe that's true. I have a lot of friends in my career too. It's awesome. And the people you have more in common with, how old are they? I really only hang out with people around my age. So I don't know that I have that much in common

with that many people though. Like I'm pretty relatable in that, that I'm like, I don't know. I'm pretty relatable in my normal sense of being rather than like my career sense of being. So like I relate pretty easily to like most people, but I don't really hang out with that many older people. Okay, that's fine.

I'm not, you know, but I, you know, listen, I'm just trying to find filters for you to try to like have this problem of your job, not feel like a problem. Cause it shouldn't feel like a problem. Yeah, I don't want it to feel like a problem. Like, so back to like my exboyfriend, when I met him, I was at the point where I was like, I'm not telling dudes about my career anymore.

And then we got together and obviously it was a problem after he realized, oh, she's a business owner and she does all these things. Cause I just said, I'm in real estate and I just never expanded on that. Yeah, but you're fishing in the wrong pond, I guess. You're considering men that honestly aren't at your level. Sounds like.

Yeah, and I don't know where to find any that are. And then the one time I'm like, I finally found one that is, he just didn't like me, I guess, because I haven't heard from him in two weeks. So I'm like, well. That's fine, and that's okay. And don't let your ego make you like him more than you do just because

he didn't call you back. I don't like him. If he does ever call me, I'm probably not responding because I'm like, this makes me. You're still thinking about him. Yeah, but like you said, it's an ego thing. It's not about him, it's about me. Why don't you like me?

You know, I don't know, maybe he thought, maybe those awkward moments that you picked up on, he picked up on it as well. And he was like, you know what, honestly, she's too young for me. I can't deal with this shit. I gotta fuck, my kid's closer in age than I am to her. I don't know.

I don't know what he thought. Yeah. Who cares? There was a point where I took a sip of kombucha and one singular drop went down my chin and down my shirt and down to my belly button. And I literally didn't wipe it off until I turned away from him.

So I was like, I don't want him to acknowledge that. Why? It was just literally couldn't exist as a person. I mean, listen, we're not gonna solve your problem on this call. First of all, I don't think you have a problem. Your problem, I guess, is you caring more about what people think about you than you should.

You've had no problem busting your ass in your career, right? I'm assuming that your career hasn't always been easy. You've just figured it out. It's still not easy, honestly. Yeah. Or I wanna go eventually. Understood.

Well, dating isn't easy either, as you know. Yeah, I have less control over that than I do over my career. There you go. Well, dating is a means to an end. It's kinda like a job. And sometime your job has been fun, I'm sure. Other times your job has been stressful,

dating's the same way, right? It's a means to an end and life's full of choices And you've chosen to be a career person and again, it's not fair that you get judged from it by men But it's where you're at So you just have to adjust just like you've adjusted in your job and you've been willing, you know You're someone who's capable of putting in the work like you're you're like a top percenter a one person You know what I'm saying? And so like not you know, if you are gonna, it's like one of those things,

like if you wanna be elite, right, which you do in your job, right, then you have to accept the consequences of being elite. And sometimes those consequences makes it harder for you to relate to other people, anyone in general, you know. The most famous person in the world, like, you know, being a super, being an A-list celebrity, lots of perks, right?

You know, you're famous, you're probably rich, you probably have access to all these cool events. Downside is you're probably really fucking lonely because you don't know who to trust. And it's hard, you've probably been burned by a lot of people who pretended to be your friend, but just wanted to use you, et cetera, et cetera. Like that's an extreme example of, you know,

the shit that you have to face. And there is a cost to being young and successful and ambitious and passionate and you know what you want. And the reality is, is like it's gonna intimidate a lot of people. So now you have to elevate where you look and you have to accept that your options are smaller than the average person,

because a lot of people are going to be intimidated by your success. And, you know, dating men your age comes with the risk of most of these men are not going to be at your level. And if they're not at your level, there's a good chance they're going to be intimidated by your success. So, yeah, I've had friends and people, like guy friends, girl friends, tell me that guys are intimidated by me,

but I didn't believe it, because I felt like that was maybe a delusional way of thinking. If they like me, they like me. Yeah, but I mean, some people, not every guy is going to be, you just have to find the right guys. Yeah.

Which is, it's gonna be harder for you. You know? It's like. What's that? It's harder for celebrities to make friends. Because people don't know how to act around them. You know, like all a celebrity wants is to, and when they, and I'm not, you know, like I'm talking like a Taylor Swift. When it comes to making friends, I'm guessing, I actually know firsthand, she just wants people who treat her like a person, like a normal person. Not like a celebrity, not someone who asks for favors,

you know, but just a person. And that's really hard to do, because most people don't know how to be around Taylor Swift and not be weird. I don't know if this is helpful at all, I'm just trying to like, you gotta deal with the situation that you have. And you and I are not on this call today

gonna solve the problem of men being intimidated by successful women. You just have to, and I guess what I want to instill in you and I hope that you leave with is to stop asking yourself that question. Who gives a fuck? Right, it won't change anything.

You know what your original question are our men are you know turned off on my job? The answer is some yes There are some women who are turned off by the fact that I went on reality TV There are some people if I were still single would be turned off by the fact that like I'm a middle-aged guy who talks about reality TV and pop culture for a living. Other people look at me and say, they might think I'm super successful and then, you know what I'm saying? I have no idea what a bunch of strangers think about me. I don't give a fuck.

I actually, I was reminded, I'm probably going to butcher it, but I was rereading a book that's really helped me. It's called The Power of Intentions. A lot of what I talk about I learned from that book. I haven't read it in maybe 15 years, but I've been re-listening to it. I'm like, holy shit. Well, I really that's where I got that. But it was something about it was about self-worth talking about self-worth or self-respect rather and you can't respect yourself if you care more about the opinions of others than your opinion of yourself.

But most of us care very much more about the opinions of others than how we feel about ourselves. Yeah, like affects how we feel about ourselves. You need to own who you are. And who you are is a very successful business person. And if you are proud of what you've done, that's really that matters. And you need to accept that they're that if you were to ask 10, 100 men about what they think about what you do for work, you would get

a hundred different opinions. And none of them define who you are. And the moment you are just like, regardless of what those hundreds of opinions are, proud and happy with who you are, and then be willing to be interested in getting to know how many of those men who are like either are indifferent about what you do or see it as a positive, and then learn about who they are and what they interest and see if there's, you know, see if you have things in common, see if you're compatible, you know what I'm saying? But instead of, you know, like you just kind of have

to accept the choices you've made. And then you have to like, you know, find the filters that you want to, you know, introduce into how you search for men that you consider going on dates with. Yeah. Is that helpful? I have a question though, a couple questions.

Shoot. So like, first question, did you struggle with dating? Be honest. Of course, yeah. Everyone struggles with dating. I was single for most of my thirties, and struggle with, like, yeah,

I got a lot of dates with a lot of interesting people. and struggle with like, yeah, I got a lot of dates with a lot of interesting people, you know, and, but yes, I never, I had a hard time finding people that I connected with, you know? And as you get older, it doesn't get any easier because as you get older, you get more experienced and you learn more about what you don't like. When you were 20, it was a lot easier for you

to fall for people because it was like, am I attracted to them? Do they make me laugh? How do I feel around them? And it didn't take much more than that. But then you got a couple of boyfriends, you had a couple of relationships, people disappointed you, you learned about things, about your preferences that you don't like,

and you were able to like know right away things you didn't like, which made it feel like your options had you had less options. Like in your career, think about how much you've learned over the years. Think about all the real estate properties that you used to consider that you would never even consider now. Now when you see a property, you probably know within a few couple, like you'll look at like data point here, point there and immediately you know whether this is a potentially good investment or a bad investment you need to move on right right and I'm guessing it takes you a lot less time to do that now than you did in the past right right

so you need to do the same thing with your dating life yeah and you're not doing that you know like you're not adjusting the properties, AKA men. You're not adjusting the data points. You're not evaluating them any differently, but you're evaluating these properties and these investments differently as you learn. But you're not doing that with the men that you date. Yeah. Did you deal with rejection?

Because I'm feeling pretty rejected by this person. Oh yeah. I mean, listen, I have an ego like anyone else, you know, and my, the success I've ever had in my life is learning how to control that ego. And I'm guessing talking with you briefly is that you have a pretty big fucking ego. No problem. You know, your ego is also your superpower, but you have to learn how to control it. Because otherwise you're just gonna waste a lot of time

being triggered by men that aren't worth your time or that you would never consider in the first place. You're spending all this energy on some fucking guy that you don't even like, but he hasn't talked, called you back, and it's driving you nuts. Because all you can think about is how is a guy like him not calling me back? Yeah maybe I think he's he's good well no I'm mad but I he's he's he's shit I don't know maybe he wouldn't call me back but all

right who knows but like who cares you don't like him yeah but I don't like him because he didn't text me and asked me to hang out again. Well, I don't know if you like, I don't think you know why what you do like. The only thing that I heard from you is you like that he had the same career. But even that I don't, I think you're overvaluing what that means and you're missing out. What about having the same career? It's not about having the same career. It's about what that meant. The last time you dated someone with the same career, it gave you things that you appreciated

in that relationship. And I am here to say it's not about, it's not the career, it's per se, the specific career. It's like, so, and you can find that in other men, but if you keep being a victim to your ego, you ego, if you keep getting triggered by these men who are intimidated by you and then either A, allow them to make you doubt yourself or feel differently about your career choices or start chasing or giving these guys who you might not even give attention to, attention that you wouldn't otherwise give, then you're just gonna waste a lot of your time and energy

on people you would never, and how would you be as successful as you are in your career if you spent a ton of time evaluating obvious bad investments? Yeah, right. So where should I look for, because I'm not really on dating apps. I don't know if I should be, but being on them was so exhausting. Like you said with the filters, I don't think I really know what to filter out. So I just got off of them.

Yeah. I mean, dating apps can be, you know, like dating apps are also validation tools. So like someone like yourself who can be easily triggered by their ego, like any guy who doesn't swipe right on you, you're going to immediately like them more. There's that. No, I won't. You have to self-please. Yeah. Well, hate is not the opposite of love. It's indifference.

And you wouldn't be indifferent about these men. And that's kind of the point. You know what it's like to not care and you care way too much for the wrong reasons when it comes to your dating life. Again, back to the same analogy, do you invest a lot of your energy in obvious bad investments when it comes to properties? Would you be successful in your career if you did? No. Do you want to be successful in dating? Yeah, so bad. Then why are you not applying what's made you successful

in your career to how you approach dating? I guess I don't know how. Yeah, you do. It's controlling your ego. It's not, yeah. It's- I don't do that. Huh?

I don't do that. Cause I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to care, but I like, do that. Huh? How do I do that? Because I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to care, but I like I do. Well, acknowledging you do is a good step, but like why do you care? Because it would feel nice if he did like. Why? What would you get out of it? Maybe, maybe it could actually go somewhere. I mean, obviously it's not going anywhere. The chance that it would go somewhere is nice

because I'm just sick of it. I'm like so sick of dating to the point where I don't even want to be on the apps. So take a break. I mean, have you been dating a lot? No, that's the thing. Since my last boyfriend, I've pulled back a lot. Like before him, I loved to date. It was last boyfriend, I've pulled back a lot. Like before him, like I loved to date.

It was so fun. I would date a lot. Now since him, I've dated seriously, maybe two people. And then I've gone on like a handful of dates here and there. But they kind of- I would love to see the pictures of some of the men you're going out with. Do you want to?

Do you meet men online? Do you like, are men sliding your DMs? Yeah, that's mostly so I've been trying to take a break from dating and then when I do that, somehow people find me on Instagram or maybe like Facebook was the last guy and they asked me out and I'm like, oh my God, I'll stop taking a break for that.

And so like when you, when a guy DMs you, like what, like how do you decide whether you go out with him or not? Is he cute and also do we have like a good connection over like messaging? Like do I like talk to him? Okay, well, I don't know how much you can get to know someone over messaging, but.

But, and your Instagram, is it public or private? Private. And is it, okay, it's private. So is it, is it work, is it more work focus or is it public or private? Private. And is it, okay, it's private. So is it more work focus or is it more personal focus? How are you guys DMing you if it's private? So I have a work one and I have a personal one. So the personal one's completely just like selfies and friends and that's what work is all about.

I'm also a real estate investing coach. I'm trying to build a following. All right, and that's public? Yeah, that's all about. I'm also a real estate investing coach. I'm trying to build a following. All right. And that's public. Yeah, that's public. Gotcha. As far as your original problem, I don't know how helpful I was and I am sorry,

but I really think, like I honestly, if nothing else, I think maybe try to age up a little bit. I'm not saying go crazy, but maybe 35 to 40 and are you in a major city? Nashville. Oh, okay. It's terrible to date Nashville. We're all struggling. I'm sure it's every major city I think has the same problems but Nashville probably has a lot of 30-some year old men who like or for early 40s who take good care of

themselves, matured slower in life but at the same time a little bit more like they're gonna be less intimidated by someone who's advanced in their career. Right. Yeah, in Nashville it's like, it just seems like everybody has Peter Pan syndrome, like even like the older guys. Sure, but like, it's all my point. Yeah. The 21 year olds are not gonna be any less on their way to, you know, you need to keep find someone who's tired of Peter Pan. Yeah, how do you know? Like what are some questions I could ask a guy to like filter him out?

Well, anytime a guy says, I'm not looking for a relationship right now, immediately. Oh no, those are done. Do you request them though? Is that appropriate to be like, are you looking for a relationship before we've even like met? I don't think you have to mention it right away. I think you know

Well, how subtle do they seem in their life like someone who matches your energy? It's not about the same career, but you want to ideally you go on a date with someone who is this like yeah, listen I really like my job. It's great. I'm happy with it, you know, I don't know if I'll do it forever But like I'm really you know someone who is settled You're settled in your career You're not settling your relationship life, you know, someone who is settled. You're settled in your career. You're not settling your relationship life, you know? But you don't want to meet someone, like if you were to meet a guy who's just like,

yeah, I've been to you, I'm a teacher for like, I've been to be a teacher for the past 10 years, but honestly, I kind of fucking hate my job and I want to try something else, not your guy. You know, you want to find someone who's just like, everything else in my life right now, but I'm looking for the person to, you know, really enjoy my life with. Yeah. You know? And that is harder to find someone who's just like everything else in my life right now, but I'm looking for the person to you know

Really enjoy my life with yeah You know and that is harder to find because more and more people are less satisfied with where they're at So that is gonna be harder for you But like stop looking for people or stop giving people who are still figuring their shit out, you know, they're their time because Those are the people who either a gonna be intimidated by you or if they're not intimidated by you, there's going to be a project for you. Yeah. I don't want to be part of that. So, unfortunately, your success is a bit of an issue for you.

But that every, you know, kind of like I gave you the whole Taylor Swift analogy, it's kind of the same for every, you know, there's a cost to everything. And your cost of your success is that it's harder for you to find someone on your level. Right. But stop wasting your time giving people who clearly aren't on your level an opportunity to just prove to you that they're not. You should be able to figure that out with,

and I'm not saying never go out with someone your age or go or even someone who's younger than you, but they really better, like it better be obvious to you that they are, you know, that you should look at them and they should remind you of where you are at, you know, you know, you should see a lot of similarities and not necessarily the career itself, but how they talk about their career,

how they carry themselves, you know, and things like that. You should be able to relate to like their maturity that they demonstrate, you know? Yeah. You know, and the more indecisiveness someone communicates to you, the more of a sign that they're just not where they need to be to be in a relationship with you.

Yeah, definitely. But I think you gotta get the narrative out of your head that your job is a turn off. That's just like a negative frame of mind. And that's not gonna attract more people. And that's gonna make you doubt yourself unnecessarily. And that doesn't do you any good. So you have to own your success

and you have to recognize that man, whether you're a man or a woman, that success is often intimidating to people. And yeah, it might be a little bit more intimidating for men who try to date you, but at the end of the day, you're not gonna own your success any less than you should. Right. All right, I know this wasn't super helpful

or maybe give you the answer you're looking for, but. No, it was helpful, it was helpful. Because honestly, before I was thinking, well, obviously people tell me, you know, your success is intimidating or like you as a person are intimidating because you're beautiful and successful and smart or whatever. But I was just like, that can't be it. So it kind of helps to hear from a man's perspective who has more experience that maybe it could be it. I mean, it's true, but I just see it differently

than the way the people are telling you. I don't think you need to do anything about it. Yeah. I think you just need to own it and not care and then seek out people who aren't intimidated by it. Yeah. You know, you're talking like, it's like, you're, it's like, you know, it's like,

it'd be like if Justin Bieber was just like, hey man, I just like want to go to like Chipotle and just have people treat me like a normal fucking person. And then his buddies are like, well, listen, man, you're Justin Bieber. People are just going to be kind of intimidated by you. And you're, and then Justin would be like, yeah, but so what man?

I'm a normal person and why can't they just treat me? It's just not how the world works. And so, you know what I'm saying? You're going around being like, well, why, I don't understand why that is. Why would anyone be bothered? It's hard to have success and it's hard to have success in an early age

and it's hard to seem success and it's hard to have success in an early age and it's hard to To seem like you have everything together when people do people people aren't intimidated about that. It's not always a gender thing Yeah, I think it's amplified, you know from a gender perspective But it's it's not exclusively a gender thing. So you either can Decide to be less successful a gender thing. So you either can decide to be less successful, give yourself more options, or you could just own your success and start getting better at filtering out the people who aren't worthy of your time. And to do that, you have to stop giving in to your ego because that is causing you to give a bunch of losers your energy just because they either make you feel a

little awkward or they just are smart enough to like, not call you back right away, or maybe they just have just enough of fuckboy energy in them, that like, it's despite what you bring to the table, you kind of dim your light, so to speak, and that's all because you're listening, and you're lacking the self-respect that you require,

because you are caring way too much about the opinions of others, and you're lacking the self-respect that you require because you are caring way too much about the opinions of others rather than what you care about yourself. You asking other people, what do you think guys think about my job gives a fuck. You know what I'm saying? Like, what do you care?

What do you think about your job? I like it, it's good. Are you proud of it? I'm proud of it. Yeah, that's all that matters. And then when people treat you differently for the job that you have, that's a them problem. That's a signal to you that they're not on your level.

And I'm not saying this so that you get like a big head or you're cocking, you know what I'm saying? But you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I think my ego works in reverse. It's only impacted by nature. You're not alone. That's just how the Eagles work. Because ego is looking for the opportunity to make you feel special.

And so it needs to start at a place of you feeling not enough. And when you feel not enough, that's where your ego says, oh, that's an opportunity for me to feel special. So right. You're just like everyone else when it comes to the ego. All right? Well, keep us posted.

We'd love to know how this journey goes for you and if you make any progress. Yeah, I'll let you know if I ever find a man. Oh, just like give us an update in a couple of months of like, has your perspective changed at all? Like again, in the next couple months, can you care less about what men think of your career? Yeah, I'll set a goal and see if I can get there.

It doesn't matter what people think of your career. It only matters what you think about your career. And then the person you end up meeting, you know, like it's not about them having the same career. I guess you just need to find your equal and that's harder for you to find because you have elevated yourself past the point where most people can reach. And so for you to find your equal, it's just harder. And so you might have to look in like, you know, non-traditional spots, you know what I'm saying? Like your equal, you know equal won't present, I don't know,

like for example, Natalie, I didn't expect Natalie to be my equal, but she is in a lot of ways. And yeah, she has weaknesses and I have strengths and I have weaknesses and she has strengths, but we treat each other as equals and we make each other feel as equals and we feel as though we're equals in a lot of ways and you need to find someone

who feels like you're equal. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. All right. Take care. Thanks you too. All right. Bye bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickathevolfiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.