The Viall Files - E770 Ask Nick - Second Guessing My Wedding

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a written Ask Nick. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller just got laid off and is having second thoughts about her wedding. Our second caller is expecting, but doesnt know how to tell her sister (who was happy she miscarried prior). And, our third caller wants to cut her grandma off. “Let’s figure out what the real truth of the situation is.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle. Grab your tin today!  Grammarly - Get AI writing support that works where you work. Sign up and download for FREE at https://www.grammarly.com/PODCAST  Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  Seatgeek - Take out your phone, open the SeatGeek app, and add code VIALL10 to your account… for 10% off your order. What are you waiting for? Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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When it comes to needing confidence and security to show up as your original self, Altoids has you covered. They're not just mints they're curiously strong mints. Find Altoids in the checkout aisles. Grab your tin today. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another electrifying episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick. We got a few members of the household and also really just everyone. I say household as in like, is that, I mean, I felt like that was implied. Do listeners feel like they are part of the household?

I feel like they are. They definitely do. We get writer and nurse all the time. Household member. As someone part of the household. Oh, amazing, great. Anyways, welcome everyone. Welcome everyone to the household.

We got sweet boy Justin, we got Scooter Magoo with us. Also happy 4th of July weekends. A good time to remind you guys that this week, we got our Ask Nick episode because we always need a little luck and relationship reminder here and there. We got a reality recap tomorrow and then we're taking the rest of the week off. So enjoy your family, light some fireworks, stay safe, drink responsibly, all that fun stuff.

But we'll be back next week with an absolute banger of a week. We got two reality recaps and incredible going deeper. that fun stuff, but we'll be back next week with an absolute banger of a week. We got two reality recaps and incredible going deeper. It's gonna be one of those messy, messy jaw dropping episodes. All right, what are we getting into before? We got a writer in her?

We do, but I will say fireworks aren't legal in LA, right? I have no idea. Like you can't personally light a firework yourself. Is that true? You can't light fire. I mean, they sell, they're definitely illegal. Yeah, like I'm saying this in contrast, in NorCal we can buy from a booth

and then light it in our, what is it, like driveway. I don't know. My dad set his roof on fire, lighting fireworks. Are they fireworks or gunshots that I'm hearing? Oh. No, I mean, people definitely do it still, but they're not legal. Sometimes I'm like, that's a firework.

I'm like, or it's under gunshots. I don't know, I don't really know. I'm like, or it's undergrown or something. I don't know. I don't really know. Some people do year round fireworks as well. Difference. Well, if you drive into the state of Wisconsin, boy, fireworks galore. That's year round, right?

And you could light it yourself? Again, I am not a firework king or queen. I don't know much about them. They don't really get me off. They are the biggest scam. Yeah, I don't really care much for fireworks. They're wildly expensive. You could pay like $400 for one firework

that's like the grand finale and it's like what, five minutes? Wasn't there a year where like all the fireworks, somebody spent like thousands and thousands of dollars on fireworks and then they all went off at once? Yes. My brother, my brother does like a- A show.

Yeah, he's done a show before, which I guess is impressive. It's just tough because like if you ever go into like a real show, no offense to my brother, a real show, it's hard to compare. Because that's when you have the ones flying into the sky and then like blowing up there. As a young boy, I always fantasized about collecting fireworks. And then I grew up. Collecting them and lighting them off?

Just collecting them. Just like having them. I remember like on Home Alone where Kevin goes into Buzz's room and he opens up his secret chest and it has like playboys and fireworks. I feel like that's every young man's dream. Playboys and fireworks. Anyways, we have a writer in here before we get to our calls.

We do. All right, so we have a writer in here who wrote in, I don't want to change my last name. No, so don't. Here we go. This is what they say. Hi, Nick. I'm in a bit of a dilemma. My boyfriend, 27 and I 26 are in the process of getting engaged. That's like a I'm falling in love. I'm in the process. I'm in the process. Yeah, that's true.

Okay. But anyways, so they're talking about getting married, they're doing some ring shopping. Process of getting engaged, okay. She's expecting the quesh. We've been looking at rings and everything. Oh, there we go. I truly love him and can't wait to be with him forever. However, we cannot get on the same page

about me changing my last name. I've always felt like I never wanted to change it, and that hasn't changed. I have a cool last name that was brought over when my family came to America, and they never Americanized it. I'm one of the only people left in my family with the name. It's my identity. I have my degree under that last name and have built a career off of it. My boyfriend says that it's really important for him for me to change it. I feel like I would be wiping my identity

and he doesn't see it that way. A lot of my feelings stem from how it is historically, since I'm not religious, and it feels like ownership to me. People already would address us Mr. and Mrs. his first name, his last name, which I also have negative feelings about. He also said that he wants people to know we're together other negative feelings about. He also said that he wants people to know we're together other than a ring. He also said he would be okay with me hyphenating, but then we wouldn't have the same last name anyway. And I don't think he'd change his name for me. My compromise was me using socially and everywhere else but not changing anything legally. Okay, that seems fair. That way people know we're together,

but I don't have to lose my name. Also, the process of a name change is so daunting to me. We also don't plan on having kids, so I see no point. I told him it only makes sense to me to have the same last name as my kids, but since that isn't going to happen, I don't see why it matters that I take his name. Neither of us want kids anyway. Why does he care more about their feelings than me, his future wife's feelings? Who's they? Like the public, like his friends and family. Oh, I see.

It's not about the public, it's about him. Yeah, it's not about, when people say like, we care more about what other people think than what I think, it's more about, yeah, it's more about him and what he thinks other people might think, which is about him. It's how he's gonna feel about himself. You know what I'm saying?

Like yeah, sometimes we allow public perception to influence how we feel about ourself, but at the end of the day, it's about our feelings internally. You know, does that make sense? It's not really about him caring. And also, like just to play devil's advocate, to make my point, she cares what other people think

about her last name. She's like, it sounds cool, it's my identity, it's how people know me, yada, yada, yada. I mean, you're talking to a guy who just doesn't give a fuck one way or the other. Nellie and I are married. I think Nellie's always had the intention of taking my last name.

Technically, she hasn't yet. I don't even know. We have, we've been busy. We have a lot going on, like with work and our daughter and other priorities that are like, we just haven't rushed to wherever we need to rush to get that changed. I haven't either and it's been three years.

Really? No, I haven't changed it. Well, I kind of, I like her compromise a lot where it's like, cause that's kind of how I've been. I changed my last name on Instagram. And when people say, Mrs. Silberstein, it doesn't bother me at all, like sure. But legally I haven't changed it.

I've already kind of, I don't know, my email, it's just, it's a whole thing. I do understand for her where she has family importance for her name too. Cause like for me, I'm the last son, like in my generation or like in my family line to carry on the name. And like my family migrated here too.

So it's like, I understand her fear of saying it's daunting to change the name. But I also think hyphenating it is like a simple solution. Yeah, I know. Oh my God, absolutely. I could not be more anti-hyphenated. That is the, having your name hyphenated just screams. And if you're listening and you've hyphenated, sorry.

It's just one man's opinion. I think it's pretty to have two last names. My last name would be like 25 letters. It kind of to me screams high maintenance and you're a pain in the ass. It kind of screams Karen. It's giving we're bougie, I guess. It's giving this wouldn't fit on any document.

Yeah, it's just like, it's true. For me at least. It's giving you're gonna correct me on something. I don't know, it's just not for me, pick one. Also, well, they're not having kids, but I've run into people who are product of hyphenated names and those kids feel very, the hyphenated kids feel very passionate about wishing their name wasn't hyphenated.

Oh, interesting. I've had a handful of conversations with kids who come from hyphenated parents and they, there's some trauma simply based off of them having two last names. So pick one. You just made me think solution. So my parents were gonna hyphenate their name, but then my dad didn't want to. So I have two middle names. My second middle name is my mom's maiden name. So maybe her solution is just take one of the names off.

I have a lot of friends who did that. It's interesting that she thought her compromise was to like socially take his name, but legally not. I almost thought maybe the other way around. Oh. Maybe to compromise, and this is an advice for both of you, just try empathizing with the other person's point of view. Right now, they're so unwilling to like concede anything

for fear that they're gonna have to compromise. They're not even, and that's the problem with a lot of times in fights, we are so afraid to put ourselves in the other person's shoes because we feel like we're already conceding something or we're going to give in. Now, you also don't want to be the one person who's always willing to put yourself in the other person's shoes when they're not. So there's that. But just to put, just for argument's sake, not to agree with him at all, but just like, listen, empathize with the fact that like right or wrong, historically, it is something that has, you know, I think, you know, it's not an ownership thing is a sense of like, I've never expected Nellie to take my last name, nor do I like think my last name is like something people, you people, it's the opposite of cool.

But knowing that Natalie was willing to do it, felt good. It was just like, it wasn't about the name, it wasn't about the aesthetic, it wasn't about anything, is that she wanted to, because it made her feel more connected to me and my wife. That's just a personal opinion on Natalie.

Would you have taken her last name? Like, I always wonder if you have two last names, right? And one of them is, like, just way swaggier than the other. I would like to believe I would, but I probably would. Well, I wonder why that's such a thing, because it's like you're still taking your partner's last name, right? And you're becoming a family together

with the same last name. So I just always wonder, like, why does it have to always be? I mean, listen, I kind of wish my dad took my mom's last name. Like, Nick Parker is a lot cooler than the... Yeah, my mom's maiden name is way cooler than my last name.

There is something that some people do where they switch the names too. So like the man takes the woman and the woman takes the man or whatever partner. Oh, I don't like that, because then they still have two different last names. Yeah, but then it's like, you're like proud to take on your partner's name.

I think if they were going to have kids, then I would say for the sake of the kids, like legally, it would, you know, like, I will say, like Nellie hasn't taken my last name yet, right, right? So we enjoy calling each other husband and wife. And so there's been a few times like checking into hotels or whatever where like we have two different

last names and it feels like, I'm compelled to want to be like, but this is my wife, not my girlfriend or fiance. Yeah. And have you experienced moments like that where you almost feel like, no, but we're married. Well, I had a really annoying experience where Danny and I married, we lived together, and we needed to get parking permits on our street, but the lease was under his last name.

And so I went in to get these parking permits and I had already been there for hours waiting. And I finally get to my turn and they're like, you're not like, you don't have the same last name. I'm not giving you, your last name is Globerman, I can't give you a parking permit for the street. I had to be carried out of there, I was so angry. Like legally, I feel like whatever benefits, I think it can cause some like annoyances or hassles. And no, I can imagine that now like I'm having a kid

and my name is still Globerman and my kid's name is going to be Silberstein and that's gonna, I don't know. You might wanna change that. I probably need to change my name pretty soon. So also question, I don't know the answer to this, but like, could you legally change your name and then professionally maintain?

Yeah, a lot of people do that. Because like, again, and I say say legal I guess legally sounds official and strong and more like you're you're giving up more by legally changing. Also you can. It's your social security. You can legally change it back but like to me that's why I say legally change it but socially keep it because to me socially matters more you know like you can use it at your discretion like on social media media, so don't change your last name. You can put married too, you know, your husband. You go to work, you know, keep your professional last name.

Like it's just on a document level. That's why I say change it legally because there's gonna be a lot of situations when you get married. The fact that they're not having kids, I think is gonna complicate it less, but there are gonna be other situations where it just might be a lot easier to have the same last name but socially for your aesthetic

and for what people you know and like the sense of pride and maintaining it like you're not having kids so you're not passing the name down to anyone so who gives a shit about that so I guess to me in my brain it makes more sense to legally change it and socially keep it because socially keeping it means that like, you know, if she's saying, oh, legally, I don't wanna do it, but socially, what she wants, she wanted to socially? Yeah, she was saying that my compromise was me using

socially and everywhere else, but not changing anything legally. So she wanted to keep her name legally. That doesn't see that to me doesn't make sense because it's the name that she likes. She likes being referred to as Lois Lane, you know? Like it sounds nice. Fire name, yeah. Right?

And so if she were to legally not change it, but socially keeps him, all of a sudden she's referred to as Lois Barfavamu or whatever. You know what I'm saying? It's just like, yeah, it sounded so much better when I was Lois Lane. So doesn't she want people to still call her Lois Lane? Because legally, it gives a shit.

Like, you know, people have it like legally, Tom Cruise's name isn't Tom Cruise. I just wonder why her husband is not accepting that compromise then. I mean, because like, it's still a tradition that I think despite us being more progressive and changing some of the rules, like it's not meant from an ownership.

It's like, again, it's like it feels good to be with someone who is proud to be in a relationship with you. And I understand, it goes both ways. But I don't think a guy wanting to have his wife take his last name immediately means he's some sort of misogynistic asshole who's only getting married because he wants to feel

like he owns his partner. I don't think that's the case for most men. You know, so. I think hyphenating is the solution because then you can choose. Because then you can choose. You can choose like no way. I think it's a cool thing because you can also choose

in what situation which last name you wanna use. It's a win-win in my eyes. I don't have experience in it. I have an opinion, but I have talked to hyphenated kids and they have a very strong opinion about how annoying it is. My kids wouldn't be able to fill out their SATs. I mean, I had that issue with my two middle names,

but like you survive. You just choose which one you wanna abbreviate and what scenario. But you don't really have to put your full middle name on. I know, I think my solution is pretty solid. And I think if she sees it differently because she can then give him what he wants, legally take his last name.

I wonder if he'd be okay with that though. Knowing you can legally change it back. I wonder if he would accept that though. I am curious to know if she presented that compromise, if he would be okay with that. At work, I wanna be, well, because it's not like he goes, he doesn't take her to work, so at work, keep your last name. On social, who So at work, keep your last name.

On social, who gives a shit? Keep your last name. In the spaces that you wanna keep your last name, keep your last name. But as a couple, when you travel or do documents together, it's gonna be fucking annoying. And when you meet strangers, no one gives a shit that your name's Lois Lane.

But you're gonna care more that people think you're married. And it's always gonna be kind of annoying when people, but you're gonna care more that people think you're married. And it's always gonna be kind of annoying when people like, when you're gonna have to explain that you're married. I do understand the sentimental part of it though. Like my sister, for example, doesn't wanna change her last name because she had a really strong relationship with my dad who passed away when we were young

and she really feels connected to the last name Globerman. And so she doesn't want to change it. Okay, yeah. And her husband's cool with it, but I, so she never changed it. Like I get, I get feeling sentimental about your last name and not wanting to part with it. I'm not here to convince anyone

that they shouldn't wanna not change their last name. You know, this, I was just trying to figure out the con, like this isn't about like, should she, shouldn't she or should she, like whatever she wants to do, she's entitled to doing. Again, you're talking to a guy who doesn't really have a strong opinion about it.

If Nellie was like, listen, I really wanna keep my last name, I've been like, yeah, okay. I think after you get, you know, again, she hasn't changed her last name and I haven't been like, we should do this. Like, you know, it's bit, we've already run into situations

where it's been kind of inconvenient and annoying for us to have a different last name. What happened? I mean, just like little things, nothing really big, you know? It's just more like, it's like, oh, we should, like that's reminding us to do it. But not such a big deal that we've done anything about it.

You know, like a minor pet peeve. It's just like, you know, it's like a whole thing. And again, that's more when we are in, like around strangers who don't know us, who don't know anything about us. Like I like knowing that people immediately assume we're husband and wife because we are. Yeah.

And I don't want strangers to assume that we're not. You know what I'm saying? So that's like, and so that's what I'm suggesting legally change it because when you encounter strangers, you're not gonna care if people like are referring to you to your cool ass name. You're gonna care more that people think you're married, assuming you're happily married.

And then socially for the people who already know you, for the people you work with, for the people you hang out with, you can still be Lois Lane, you know what I'm saying? You don't have to change anything. So at work when you're meeting with still be Lois Lane. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to change anything. So at work, when you're meeting with clients, Lois Lane. Your email's reaching out to people, you can email that power name Lois Lane.

I'm assuming, to me, that makes more sense, and I think that actually, in reality, based on what I'm hearing her needs in those areas are, to me that actually fits those needs more than the opposite of what she's trying to do. I just hope that he's willing to compromise because this would piss me off, so I feel for her, because it's just like, it should just be.

Well, fine, but to get him to compromise, to do that isn't accusing him of being misogynistic or telling him he's being a certain way, it's trying to empathize with why he feels the way he does, and I'm pretty sure it's not because he wants to own you. And if you think that, you shouldn't marry the guy. You might have family importance with his name too. Sure, yeah.

No, it's about hearing, yeah, listening, hearing him out, figuring out what it is about the last name change that's so important to him, and then coming up with a compromise together that makes you both happy. Because what I'm hearing is in the circles that I already operate, before I met you, before I knew you and I had my job,

I've been this person, I'm known as this person and I want that to maintain. She can still do that by socially keeping her last name in the spaces that he's not really involved in, like work, you know, or with certain friends, maybe even on social. But when they do business together or travel together or interact with strangers, they're going to want to have the same last name.

And when you fly or you make reservations, you know, you're going to have to put your legal last name and then you're always going to have to explain to people that you are in fact married. Yeah, no, 100%. We just filled out like our pre-registration for the hospital for when I go into labor. And I had to like do a separate form for Dani because we have two different last names.

Yeah, and on your child, like on our child's, on River's birth certificate, it's like we have two last names and we had to like, we weren't actually married at the time she was born, so it was a little different, but. So yeah, I don't know. Let us know in the comments what you think. I have an idea. What's up?

Everybody in the household, we should hyphenate our names to include Viall. Jesus Christ, you're still. Phillips Viall. This episode is just gonna be called hyphenate. Justin wants you to hyphenate. I almost thought about it. Hyphenate your name. Hyphenation is an issue,

because if there's two people with hyphenated last names, is there just four last names? Right, oh my God. Oh yeah, oh my God. So you're right, later down the line. Oh, what a mess. What a mess. Oh my God, that would be such a mess.

Oh, all right, well we got some great calls lined up for you, but before we do, don't forget to send in your questions at asknick of the file files.com. Remember, we just have reality recap tomorrow, and then we are taking off for the holidays, so do the same, but still tell your friends about this amazing show. All right, let's get to our callers.

Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, how's it going? Good, what's your name? I'm Olivia, I am 32 years old, I just got laid off and I'm spiraling and having second thoughts about my wedding. Okay, well I'm sorry that you lost your job, that absolutely sucks. Like I don't want to sit there and diminish what that might feel like and the fears that can come with it. That being said, when it comes to a relationship, I guess of any kind, friendship or romantic,

I think the hope in those relationships is, and why we're a big part of why we're in relationships, or at least why I'm in a relationship, is to have that support system in times of crisis and fear and the unknown. My question to you is is why at this time of losing your job that instead of having the feeling of thank God at least I have my rock, my fiance, my soon to be future husband,

why is you being laid off from your job making you second guess your relationship in general? Yeah, I think right now it's just, I was so excited about this job that I got, and I felt like it was finally the culmination of all of my previous jobs and experience, all put together in one, and I was super thrilled about it. And when I got the job, I ended up getting engaged

within the same week of starting that same job. So my fiance proposed on that Saturday of me starting this new job. And while I was super excited, I was also very anxious about everything because it's a brand new job. It was like my first salary job too. So I just thought that I'd finally found my place after I've been out of college for 10 years now. And so I finally felt like I found this exciting new opportunity and kind of

this new role that I was going to excel in and I had opportunities in. And so then being thrown into like the pressure of wedding planning all at the same time, it just felt like so much for me. I felt anxious. I felt scared, you know, having to feel the pressure of wanting to look a certain way, but also excel in this new role. And I was also experiencing some health issues, trying to plan this wedding on top of it. I think I just kind of crumbled under the pressure. And now that I've lost this job, I've lost my income, I'm starting to think about my mental health and my headspace of where I'm at and just feeling so..., I'm struggling and spiraling and suffering from, you know, anxiety and depression and now putting a marriage on top of that. I'm just I don't feel like my best self. Okay.

I don't think my, yeah, I don't feel like my fiance deserves to be with someone that is, you know, more so feeling like I'm in an identity crisis and not know where to go from here. Okay, well, let's work through this. There's probably a better therapy term for this or something like this, which I'm not. And so I don't know it. Yeah. But maybe projecting, I don't know is the word. I don't know, but you're kind of conflating

or you're taking your work crisis and allowing that to fill you with self-doubt about everything in your life. Now, I haven't asked you any questions about your relationship. I know nothing about it. For all I know, you're about to describe it and it sounds like, oh my God, your partner is terrible and holy shit, why are you in this relationship? Like maybe this was a wake-up call.

So far, you haven't really described that. The only thing you said about your partner right now is that he doesn't deserve yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. And I guess when people say things like that, when we talk about what our partners don't deserve, other than in like the obvious of like, well, my partner doesn't deserve to be treated a certain way. Let's say you called up and you're like, I call my partner a fucking asshole every day.

If you were to say to me, my partner doesn't deserve that, you and I would agree. I wouldn't question you. I'd be like, yeah, you should probably stop that. When we say our partners don't deserve someone who's confused or insecure about themselves or questioning X, Y, or Z, who are we to say what our partners don't and don't deserve?

I kind of think it's a cop out to be honest. Like we can, again, we can dive into your relationship and take some time to figure out like where you're at versus your job. But I'm assuming when you entered it, I don't know when you made like a list, maybe you didn't make a list, but when you think about what you want

out of a relationship, right? Most people think about that. So I'm assuming, I don't know if you've ever done that exercise in your head, but I'd be willing to guess that when you are talking with your girls or any are talking to anyone, if they were to say, well, what do you want a relationship? You would, you know, somewhere along the lines, you would say,

well, I really want someone that I can lean on in hard times who can be my rock, especially when I'm, when I'm feeling the most insecure, they, they bring me security. Obviously we can't make other people feel confident. We have to be confident ourselves and yada, yada, yada. But like there's a reason why we have support systems because our support systems are there to stop us from falling or pick us up

when we're feeling weak, et cetera, et cetera. And it's kind of a cop out to just for, to dismiss your boyfriend's role. And I'm guessing there's a chance that he quite literally did sign up for this. My favorite thing in the world to do is to take care of the people I love and most specifically my wife Natalie and my daughter River. It is my favorite thing. That doesn't mean I am wishing problems and sadness upon

Natalie and my River just so that I can step up and save the day, but I literally did sign up for that. I literally signed up to be there for them when they need me most. And hopefully, that's few and far between, but I did sign up for that. And there's a world in which, if your fiance was here today, he might agree and say,

no, I literally, that's why I wanna be with you. I don't want you to be sad or depressed or anything, but I literally did sign up for these moments. That's how I show love. It's like acts of service. Like, you know, to be there for your partner and step up is a potential opportunity for your partner to show a love language.

And it's an opportunity for you to feel his love in this time of need. All I know right now is you have connected the dots between getting engaged in this dream job that you got. You know, you got the dream job, your boyfriend saw it as a sign of like, you know, it's why we get engaged, especially in 2024, we're planners, you know?

It's like back in the day, it's like, I love you, let's get engaged. Great, let's figure out our life. Holy shit, I'm poor. You know, that's what our parents did. Now it's like, well, what's our 15 year plan? Like we'll get engaged when we all have our jobs and we'll have kids when we can afford it.

And once we have our college, once we have our college funds saved for our four kids who don't exist, then we can start having children. Like, I'm a bit exaggerating, but that's kind of the mentality we've gone to. I know what you've said in your head. I know I got a version of the story

you've created in your head, but let's figure out what the real truth of your situation is. You lost your job, fine, okay. Did that open up your eyes to problems that your relationship existed? Or are you just spiraling and you are now doubting yourself and your relationship because the job that you thought was end game for you, spiraling and you are now doubting yourself

and your relationship because the job that you thought was end game for you, a job that you thought like finally, finally I have a job that's not just a job, it's a career. And trust me, I'm a God, I can empathize with that. I think a lot of people your age and in your shoes can, especially nowadays. So we go to college, we spend all this money, even more money now than when I go to college, we spend all this money, even more money now, you know,

than when I went to school, right? And we get this education, and then there's always these questions about, like, was it worth it? You know, what did I really learn? Yada, yada, yada. Then we get this job. Now, this job sometimes is the job that we thought

that we always wanted, you know, or sometimes it's a job that we just take because, well, hell, I just need a job. And oftentimes in your 20s, you have these various jobs that you wish felt like a career, but just feel like a job. And sometimes these jobs are what you planned on. For example, I was an accountant. I was an accounting major.

My first job, I was like, I fucking hate this shit. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. Holy fuck. And then I had to figure it out. I thought I was going to be a teacher. Then I got into sales. I liked sales. I had to figure it out. I thought, oh, I thought I was gonna be a teacher. Then I got into sales, I liked sales, I had to work my way up. Even my sales career, my first couple sales jobs,

my first sales job was selling cell phones. I had no sales experience. I didn't wanna do that for the rest of my life, it felt like a job. Then I moved up in that company, but then I was like, I don't wanna do this for this in my life. And then I got a job in medical supplies.

And I was like, this doesn't feel like a career. I was like, it was a really good job for terms of work-life balance versus what I made versus how much I had to work. And my boss lived in Kansas City. And I was like, I kind of did whatever the fuck I want, but I hear I was, I was like 31 years old. I'm like, I'm not really developing skills. I'm not working with people.

Like, yeah, I have a cushy job and I had making decent money, but my upwork, like I don't, this isn't a career. Like, you know, and then finally I got a job, you have a cushy job and I'm making decent money, but my upwork, this isn't a career, you know? And then finally I got a job, you know, where it felt like I can make something of this. And it was, oh my God, the weight off my shoulders where you finally feel like, oh, I see the opportunity here. I don't just have this job, I see all the possibilities of what my next five jobs could look like

through the opportunities this position offers. Which is, wow, like what a feeling. So I can relate to that feeling. And for you to have lost that job recently, I can imagine the mind fuck that is. So I completely empathize. Yeah, thank you. No, I think too, it was the way that it happened. It was out of nowhere. I was given no severance. I had meetings like that morning before they zoomed called me and laid me off or fired me or whatever They didn't give me a single reason. I asked why My answers that I wanted they weren't able to give me so it's like there's no closure there. There's nothing There was no reason given to me as to why I was being let go.

I mean, it might probably could be a downsizing situation. Could it not? Yeah, I mean, it just sucks because I don't know the company is pretty small. So I don't believe there was anybody else on my team, at least that was let go because there was only like six of us on my team. There was no leadership either. They were going through like a brand new like executive team, like bringing on CEOs and you know, the whole C-suite was being revised if you will. So I think maybe just because I'd only been there like six months, I was just kind of the easiest cut, you know, to let go.

Could be that too. Listen, it sucks, right? And just like a breakup, you know, it's like, I know that with a job it's a little different, you're like, you actually want a little constructive feedback, it's like, hey man, I just wanna be like a better employee, so like if I did something that I need to correct, let me know.

I suppose, like in relationships that's somewhat helpful, but like in a romantic relationship, we're not looking for someone to give us constructive feedback in that moment. We say that we want it, but we don't really want that. You know, like, well you could kinda be less of an asshole. It's like, oh, okay, well thank you for the feedback, for someone to give us constructive feedback in that moment. We say that we want it, but we don't really want that. Like, well, you could kind of be less of an asshole. It's like, oh, okay, well, thank you for the feedback. I'll work on that.

But in a job, yeah, you kind of want that feedback a little bit. But the reality is, as well, maybe you know now, in the corporate setting, there's so many HR rules and policies and laws, laws from a legal standpoint. If they fire you for cause, then you could argue that. Right, well, they said it was just at will, like they can let you go for any reason, basically.

I'm just saying that is why you're not getting the closure that you want. It's because you were hired as an at will employee, and if they were to fire you for cause, then you can argue against why they fired you. If they fire you because it's like, hey, we just don't have the work for you, or like we don't really have a reason,

there's just like the job we thought we had for you, we're just going in a different direction, then you can't argue that. That's just like an internal decision. I know that's annoying and frustrating. But instead of beating yourself up emotionally, like listen, do the exercise that anyone who legitimately wants to be a better employee should do,

which is like, what do you think? If you were to give yourself a self-review, what would be some of the things that you think you should work on? Yeah, I think it's part of the bigger picture of why I'm experiencing all these feelings is like, I know that I have experienced really severe anxiety and I have never been medicated. I actually was trying to work through that with the doctor really close to getting let

go. And then it just never, I had never followed through with it. And then I got let go and lost my insurance. So I think that was part of it is like feeling really anxious during the job, not knowing there was no formal training. I was learning the best I could from co-workers because I had no real boss at that point either. So I was full of self-doubt and I feel pretty honest with my team about that,

which obviously looking back, I probably shouldn't have been as honest that I was like needing more help, or maybe I should have put on more of a brave face, I don't know, but. Maybe, yeah, that might be. Honestly, it was the best policy. You never, listen, like, I don't work at that organization. I don't know what their goals are as an organization.

I don't know the type of people they set out to hire when they hired a bunch of people. Any small organization, for the most part, that's growing or has aspirations of growth is understaffed. There's more work to be done than they have people doing it. You may have had a job or two, or your job title had a bunch of roles and responsibilities, but in a small organization, it's just like they're looking for people who are fast learners, easier adapters, problem solvers, yada, yada, yada,

and someone who can kind of figure it out on their own, which, you know, just saying that out loud, like that is not the easiest atmosphere to be a part of. You know, like a lot of people would struggle in an atmosphere like that. And maybe you in fact struggled. Like that doesn't make you a bad employee. It doesn't mean you can't even improve on that.

But like maybe you could just say, hey, listen, despite it being, like it's almost one of those things where you know how like when we, people call in all the time and they talk about like, you know, they'll call it and say like, I'm questioning my relationship. I know that you're kind of mentioning that too,

but for different reasons. Like my boyfriend, like I'm thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend or more accurately, they might say like but for different reasons. Like my boyfriend, like I'm thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, or more accurately, they might say like, I'm having problems with my partner, but I really love them, and I really love him, and he's my dream guy, yada yada. And I start asking them questions, and I'm like, well, maybe you thought they were your dream guy,

but you're talking about them right now, and it doesn't sound like the way you describe them, they're actually your dream guy. So like, I guess what I'm saying is, you said, well, I had this dream job and yada yada, and I don't doubt that when you got that job, you thought this was your dream job. How long did you work at that job?

Only like six and a half months. Okay, six and a half months. Yeah, but one question to you is, at any point in month three, four, or five, did it ever feel like not a dream job? Yeah, totally. I was really frustrated that I had no leadership. I had only had one positive performance review too.

So the fact that they couldn't give me any answers or thought maybe it was related to my performance, that's why I also felt confused. But just, it was a change in schedule. They would change my in-office stays versus hybrid days. It was affecting my workout schedule. Just, you know, they would add on these like happy hours that were mandatory to go to, because it was all about like networking with, you know, the people that we were supposed to

be working with, etc. So yeah, it turned into a lot of these extra curricular things that I needed to go to and commitments that I didn't realize were part of the job. Totally. It's just a lot more stress, lack of structure, no formal training, just trying to learn the best that I could for my coworkers. I didn't think that was fair to not have any sort of leadership besides trying to learn the best I could for my coworkers. I was pretty miserable, honestly, from what I thought was supposed to be this wonderful opportunity.

There you go. Have you ever actually admitted that to yourself or anyone else that you were actually pretty miserable at this job? Yeah, my fiance and I have definitely talked about it. And he's even brought that up, like in conversations when he's trying to like, talk me down and make me feel better. He's like, no, I saw the way it affected you and even just your mood and affected so many parts of my life. So he's your fiance, again, the person who it sounds like

did sign up for this to be there by your side. And it sounds like that's what he's trying to do. But if you actually take in stock and actually let that sink in, and when our partners are the people closest to us trying to do that, we're very quick to dismiss them because they say it all the time, yeah, yeah, whatever, I don't want that right now.

And maybe you're just in the season of wanting to feel sorry for yourself, which you're entitled to do, which is a part of the grieving process, and losing a job is something to grieve over. But I'm saying, have you yet to really take stock in the fact that you were in fact miserable? Have you said, Olivia, wow, you really fucking hated that job, I'm actually glad I don't have to go

into work today, yeah, I'm worried about my job, yeah, I'm actually glad I don't have to go into work today. Yeah, I'm worried about my job. Yeah, I'm worried about money, but like, let's just be real here, Olivia. You fucking hated that job, and thank God you're not going in today to do the job you actually fucking hated, because the job I accepted was not the job it ended up being.

And you have to remember, when you interview a job, yeah, you're selling them and you're giving them the best version of yourself. And when you're asked what's a bad habit of yours, you're trying to figure out the most clever way of saying I'm a perfectionist, without having to say that, right? But a company, especially a small company,

a growing company is also selling you on the job too. They're also trying to make it seem like this job is your dream job and yada yada. And the truth truth is always somewhere in the middle. And like, not that they're being disingenuous, but like maybe they could have been more upfront with the type of person they're looking for. It's like, Hey, we really need someone who's good with not a lot of direction, who's very self-starting, who can manage a lot. Like, I'll be honest, this job can be very stressful and we're looking for people who can manage that stress. Also to be honest, like we're looking for someone who like are incredibly career driven and let me be clear before you say, oh I'm career

driven too, like there are gonna be several times and instances where like a situation is gonna arise and you might have plans and the expectation is you're gonna have to cancel those plans and get the job done. I doubt they said that in their interview but it sounds like that's what it ended up being. You know what I'm saying? And so, they're not gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, obviously, when they're evaluating if they hired the right person for the job or not.

And just like the person in a relationship who thought their partner was an asshole and didn't treat them right, doesn't remember the last time they made them happy, but when they get broken up with, we like to forget all that and still act sad over the person that we knew we didn't deserve, and yet we're sad because they broke up with us.

And like, you know, you got fired, so it's really hurting your ego, and it's really affecting your self-worth, and it's making you question, and instead of focusing your energy where it should be, which is evaluating the job that you had, you are forgetting how you felt about the job, and you are selectively only remembering

how you felt when you were first offered that job. Pretty accurate, yeah. All right, so like how do we get you to reassess before you blow your whole life up? Now, we can talk about your relationship, but now the obvious question is, is like are you just using this job as an excuse for a relationship that deep down you're also not happy with

and you just don't want to be honest with that? Or is this really you allowing this job to shatter all your self-confidence about who you are as a person and making you doubt? It's like, now you're connecting the dots between like, I thought this was my dream job, it ended up not being the dream job. Well, how many do I know this is not my dream person and yada yada yada and should I get to marry them? And my question to you is it's a real

simple exercise. Just like we talked about earlier, like you got offered a job. You thought it was your dream job. Six months into the job, there are several examples if you were to go back and reflect and think about it where it was like, in fact, this job wasn't your dream job it was the literal opposite of it because like you have different needs than the job required and you realize that without without being able to admit it in the moment you now realize it wasn't my dream job well my question to you about your relationship how do you feel about your partner are there several instances where you're like he doesn't treat me nice he doesn't make me feel good yada yada and that's making you question it or where you're like, he doesn't treat me nice, he doesn't make me feel good, yada yada, and that's making you question it? Or are you just like doubting yourself

just because of this job? It's kind of what you said. It's more so all of the self doubt and spiraling into thinking, well, this one thing has gone wrong in my life and I haven't figured out the health issues I was experiencing and I kind of had to give up on that, especially since I lost my insurance. And then, I wanted to go to therapy, on that, especially since I lost my insurance.

And then, you know, I wanted to go to therapy, but now I don't have insurance and whatever. And it's like, okay, but now I'm about to supposed to be making a lifelong commitment to someone. And am I really in the best headspace to be able to do that when I am like, absolutely miserable and anxious and having anxiety attacks and crying? You know, it's like, I think I'm just having on this self-destructive path, unfortunately, where I'm just trying to tear everything down in like a response or something. But I mean, my fiance, he is incredibly supportive and has been even taking up a second job to pay for this wedding, which it's incredible, but also it sucks too,

because then at night, like we don't spend time together because he's gone and I'm just left to like think of my own, let my mind run, you know, like I'm just idle hands or the devil's play things they say. And I'm just sitting around thinking about all these things in my life. And like you said, kind of feeling sorry for myself because it's still so fresh that I haven't been able to emotionally pick myself back up yet and get back out there and figure out my next steps. How long ago did you lose your job?

Two weeks. Okay, so it's still pretty raw, still pretty fresh, but sounds like you've never really acknowledged the power that you have, which is I can actually stop thinking about this if I want to. I don't know anything about your life story up until now. Maybe you've had some really difficult times in your life. I'm sure you've had some happy times. I'm not here to oversimplify your life. But like

you've gotten this far, you are engaged it sounds like to a pretty good guy. You got your looks, you got your youth, you know, like you got a lot, you know, like I don't know what your family support system is. I'm looking at the little bit of your back room, it seems like a nice, pretty nice place. So like you can say, Olivia, I know times are scary right now, and I know like this did not work out the way I hoped,

but like it's gonna be okay. Like we're gonna figure it out, you know? Like you can say that to yourself, and it can be true. Because you've figured out things in the past. You've had crises in the past. You've been surprised by people, people have disappointed you, you've been sad, you've been insecure before, and you've figured it out.

Yeah, just to speak on the family part. My parents and my grandma were out here last week because they just happened to be out here anyway because my cousin graduated from high school. And then my mom stayed a whole extra week with me since she knew I got let go and was like helping me with the wedding planning and doing a bunch of stuff like getting decor and all that stuff. And so like my support system is incredible. My girlfriends bought me a plane ticket to come home for my bridal shower and the bachelorette party and whatever. Like my sports system is great. I think it's just the ego hit and my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem in

this instance, that's really just driving me to be self-destructive. Well, it's good for you to admit, but now you're gonna, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta do something about it. Like we do this thing sometimes where, listen, they always say like the hardest part is to admit you have a problem, right? Admit the fault, right? I know that's often like a saying that's used when it comes to like addiction

and I don't know anything about addiction. But I do think we have, as someone who's like a self-identified ruminator, I think sometimes we hear the hardest part is admitting we have a fault. And we've heard that, like everyone's kinda heard that on some version. So a ruminator, me being a ruminator,

you being a ruminator, I think us ruminators give ourselves way too much credit for identifying the thought. And we like to identify the thought so that we can ruminate on it. And so it's like, oh, well, I know I don't have a lot of confidence in this issue and this situation ruined my confidence. So what am I gonna do about it?

And you just ruminate over and over about your lack of confidence and how you're a victim of this situation. And if you just go down the rabbit hole of like, well, all I wanted was an answer, and they couldn't even give me that, and what am I supposed to do with that? And that's just shattering my confidence, because it makes me think I don't have an answer and yada, yada, yada.

But like you can acknowledge that you do have a habit of doing this. So you can name the problem and then you have to go another step further because sometimes once we name the problem then we give ourselves permission to worry about the problem that we've identified. And you gotta go as like a self-identified ruminator

and someone who's constantly in your head. You have to go a step further when you identify the problem and ask yourself, all right, well, how am I gonna address this problem? What are some things I can do on my own? Obviously you mentioned therapy, which seems to be a bit of a challenge because you lost your insurance.

I don't know your financial situation. Obviously you just lost your job. I do want to point out for everyone listening, I don't know your financial situation. But I think sometimes when it comes to medical stuff, we don't think we should ever go out of pocket. It's like, oh, well, I don't have insurance. I can't do it.

And again, you lost your job. You're paying for a wedding. Money, I have no doubt, is're paying for a wedding, money I have no doubt is tight. But depending on the therapy session, like it could be a hundred bucks, could be maybe 250 bucks, that could be a lot of money. And again, don't know what you're spending your money on. I'm just here to point out that if you thought that you really would be in great benefit of therapy, and despite you not having insurance or a job, again, maybe there's money you're spending in other places that you could not spend and invest in a therapy

out of pocket, even though you don't have insurance. Again, I don't know your financial situation, and maybe that's not available to everyone. I am just saying that sometimes we have this attitude that if we don't have the insurance to cover the thing that we want, we can't get it and that's not true you could pay for it and sometimes a Ford is a relative turn we have a harder time spending $200 on therapy then we do like you know shirts and

shoes and handbags and cars and things like that or like you know trips it's no fun spending $250 an hour on therapy. It's way more fun going to the, like, Las Vegas and putting 250 bucks on Black, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You know, and you could- Yeah, that's true, yeah.

So if you really think therapy is gonna benefit you, like, maybe it's just like something you do in the short term and decide, and budget accordingly. Just a thought. I thought about too, my fiance was gonna see if maybe I could be added as like a domestic partner or something on his insurance. I don't know if that's depending on the insurance.

I don't know if that's allowed, but otherwise, I don't know, maybe I could pull from my savings or something like that. I know obviously money's tight. I don't have a lot of money coming in, but I can figure something out. And thankfully he has been so supportive in trying to be like, I got you,

like you don't have to worry, like we are all here to help you, we're not gonna let you fall in your face. But I think it's more so my ego and my like hyper independence of being like, I don't wanna depend on anyone, I wanna be able to bring in my own money or whatever. Well, you can bring in your own money,

but why are you getting married? Genuine question, why are you getting married? I want to spend my life with him and just be happy and grow a life together and have these adventures together. Sure, and adventures are great, but what do you hope to do for him, and what do you hope to get from him?

You didn't just get married because you wanna go on adventures. No, no. I don't think we think about that. You want potentially this guy to be your husband, and yet you're so resistant for him taking care of you at all. I'm all for you being independent.

Like, and I love it when Natalie, like, has her own independent things, and I find independence, you know, just, I'm a guy, and I'm a heterosexual man, but I find independence in women, and women who are career motivated. Personally, this is a personal thing for me. I find that to be sexy and attractive, you know?

But I also like taking care of the people I love. I get being independent and not counting on people, but there's people and then there's like your husband. That's different, you know? No, that's true. I've always been, and then I get, I think this is part of like the childhood trauma of being made to feel like a burden.

And that kind of has always stuck with me in the way of like not wanting to have to depend on people and feel like a burden to others. And, but you're right. I mean, that is true. Like being able to rely on one another when things are hard and one partner being able to step up and carry the other. Cause I mean, I've had to do that for him before too.

We've been together for almost six years. And you, and you will again. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how it might not be in the, in like from a financial term, there's a million different ways we can step up and care for the people we love. You know, sometimes it's financially,

sometimes it's emotionally, sometimes it's both, you know, I don't know, it goes on and on and on. Someday, if you guys like stand the test of time, you'll be wiping, someone's gonna be wiping the other person's ass, you know, like, you know, I don't know. But like, that's supposed to be the point of getting married, you know?

Before you blow up your whole life and walk away from an engagement where you have nothing bad to say about your partner, maybe just take a pause and just take it for what it is. I lost a job and me losing that job makes me feel a certain way about my confidence. But at the end of the day, it doesn't define me. Like your marriage to your fiance in this job

are just not really connected at all. And yet you're acting like, well, we got married the same week and I offer the job. So like if the job sucks, then I guess the marriage might as well. There's no like simple. I think it just got overshadowed, yeah. Yeah, and the wedding that your fiance

has taken an extra job, like good for you. Listen, we spent more than we anticipated on our wedding and I had a lot of thoughts on it, but like I'm glad we did it and it was a memory I have. That being said, like you can always cut back. You can always spend less, you know? So every problem that you are, you know, losing your mind over or ruminating,

you can instead try to figure out how to solve the problem rather than letting it snowball into the future. been less, you know? So every problem that you are, you know, losing your mind over or ruminating, you can instead try to figure out how to solve the problem rather than letting it snowball into something that is bigger than it actually is. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah, and my fiance has even said all of these things. I think it's just hard to take the advice of people that are closest to you when you're going through,

you know, your crisis, your mind is just racing and how do I process everything and come out of it on the other side? Because I know that a lot of it is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. And right now I feel like I'm failing at the how you react to it part, but I don't want to be that way. Sure. I would start by instead instead of questioning your entire relationship, I don't know if you've done this already, but maybe just say, hey, to your partner, thank you for allowing me to be able to count on you. You've really been a rock for me, and honestly, it's really helped me. Because right now, you seem to be so resistant to it because you're letting counting on him

make you feel more of a loser. It's not allowing you to appreciate him in a way that you should appreciate him, which is to be there for you. Thank you for being here for me. It's really helped. I couldn't do this without you, so thank you. It means a lot that we can count on each other.

I promise to be there for you in the future when you need me and I'm in a better place, but thank you for being there for me. Like, say that to them. It'll mean a lot, you know? Because when we do step up for the people we love, we do want them to notice it and appreciate it, but you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself. You're not even allowing him to do the thing he's trying to do. You're pushing it away. You're kind of like, ugh, ugh, I don't need you to, ugh. Allow your partner to be the partner that he wants to be, that's why he signed up for it, I'm assuming.

Be grateful of that, mark it down so that you can return the favor in the future when need be, and then show gratitude that despite me not being where I'm at professionally, how lucky I am to have someone who still loves me and supports me and is my rock, because there are literally tens of thousands of people listening to this show,

men and women, who are like, fuck my job, I just wish I had a partner like she's describing. Yeah, no, that's true. And I think it's really hard when I'm so down and anxious or depressed or whatever that I know that something I need to work on is having gratefulness. Well, hopefully this was helpful.

It doesn't sound like maybe you should call off the wedding. Yeah, no, I know. I don't think I should either. I mean, he had said like, we can if you want until you wait until you get, you know, in a better head space, but like life is gonna keep happening and things are gonna keep happening.

Yes, shit happens. And like you can't allow yourself to snowball every time and make a bad situation worse by pity, pitying yourself. Totally, yeah. All right? I agree, yeah. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

Oh, my pleasure. And congrats on getting married and River and everything. Thank you. Well, we'd love for you to check in and hopefully, maybe you've implemented some of these things and maybe you're hopefully able to jump into therapy and I'd love for you to follow up with us and let us know how you've been able to redirect a lot of your energy. I mean, you honestly, like you remind

me a lot of myself in a lot of ways and I can assure you that most of your problems you can fix by just like changing the way you see the world and getting better at policing your thoughts. And life's gonna get a lot better. So, good luck. I definitely will check in. Thank you so much for everything. Take care. All right, bye-bye.

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that are all designed with baby sensitive skin in mind. Their wipes are so thick and pH balanced to help maintain healthy skin. Their wipes have zero harsh ingredients for a great gentle clean. The Skin Essential Diapers features the Skin Protect Liner, which is what helps take care of the ick and stick that can cause rash. They have this liner built in their diapers. The whole diaper helps protect against the top two causes of rash by managing moisture and running mess.

The liner gives you the barrier to help absorb moisture and lock away running mess from baby skin. Pull Up Skin Essentials has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more. How's it going? Hi, my name is Kelly. I'm 25 and I need help navigating how to tell my sister who was happy that I had a miscarriage that I'm pregnant again. Oh my god. Well, first of all,

why was she happy you had a miscarriage? So to give you a little bit of context, my sister is older than me and about two and a half years ago, so I'm engaged now to my fiance. And when we just started dating, a couple months into dating, we found out that we were unexpectedly pregnant. And I come from a really strong Catholic family. So I called my sister, my older sister, and I was like, I need to confide in somebody. And at first she was really kind and supportive. And I actually lived across the country from my home state at the time. So all this was over the phone. And then when I came home to see her in person, she had expressed to me that her and her fiance

had felt that me and my boyfriend were kind of cutting in line in the family and her as the oldest child had always felt like she would have the first kid in the family. So she wanted to be the trailblazer and she kind of expressed a lot of anger toward me being pregnant. Wow. It was a lot for me to take on. When people say brutally honest, that is what they mean. Because that is some brutally honest shit. So to clarify, you got pregnant, your sister you reached out to, and at first your sister did, I guess the right thing, which is to just be supportive. Then unfortunately,

sadly, nature decided otherwise, you had a miscarriage, you let your sister know, and now that she was, I guess, in the clear and you were no longer with child, she used that as an opportunity to set you straight so that in case you were thinking about getting pregnant again, she wanted you to know that, hold on, bitch, I'm the oldest and it's my, like, what, birthright or something? And that she- It actually gets worse because she told me that before I miscarried,

I actually ended up having a miscarriage about a week after she said that to me. Oh my God, even worse. Yeah, it was. And I, at the time, I didn't have much emotional energy to entertain it. I kind of just listened to her feelings. And you know, I think that maybe that's an internal feeling

that most people would probably never say out loud, but- It's a feeling most people wouldn't even have. Yeah, I think that maybe that's an internal feeling that most people would probably never say out loud. But... It's a feeling most people wouldn't even have. Yeah. I think that's where I struggled because I just can't relate to that feeling. And I mean, I'm a middle child, so I've never done anything first. So my sister saying that to me, it was like, I can't even relate to that. A lot of times I can sit back and hear people's thoughts and be like, okay, I can understand where that's coming from, but this just wasn't one of them.

One could argue that she literally wished it upon your unborn child to not exist. And that's a dark sinister thought. What did she say? Yeah, I know, it was when I did miscarry, because then I think she felt a little bit bad because she kind of brought it into existence a bit. A little?

Yeah, she never apologized to me. She was my sister, so when I miscarried, we kind of brought it into existence a bit. A little? Yeah. She never apologized to me. She was my sister. So when I miscarried, we kind of had a brief conversation. Have I told her that I miscarried? And we just, we've never talked about it. And I've never expressed to my sister how much it hurt me, what she had said. I just, at the time I was like,

I have too much other feelings that I'm struggling with that that's not a priority for me right now. Good on you to know that. A lot of people wouldn't be able to control themselves. How long ago was that? About two and a half years ago. Okay. So some time has passed. And what is your sister's relationship status? She just got married last year and they're probably under six months of marriage. Are they trying to have a kid? So this is where maybe it gets a little bit

complex where my issue comes in. So my fiance, he's also the guy that I got pregnant with two and a half years ago. We're still together. We actually moved in together really recently after we miscarried. And now we're engaged and we're supposed to, well, we are getting married in the fall. And my sister told me about a month ago that they were going to start trying. And it just so happens that exact same month I found out I'm pregnant. And so now I don't know how to talk to my sister because of her last response. So unless she is magically pregnant right now, I feel like I'm in trouble.

Well, you're not. So your sister, first of all, I know you're saying that as a figure of speech, but sometimes I think we allow those thoughts to actually become our reality. You're not in trouble. She's your sister. She's not your mom. And even if she was your mom, you're an adult woman who clearly has the right to have a child if you want. I can't speak to how your sister's gonna react to this, but you do not have to give a shit, or you do not have to have a reaction to whatever her reaction is.

That's the thing you'll have to work on. I mean, the arrogance of your sister to expect that everyone wait for her to figure her shit out is fucking wild. I just got married recently. My brother got engaged and then eloped and got married with a matter of less than a month or two. I don't know, I should probably know.

But one day, we got sent a couple pictures being like, I'm married. And it was like a month before our wedding. I couldn't imagine somehow making that moment about me. But like, how dare you? Like we're about to get married and you just decided to get a marriage. Like that's like what your sister's doing,

but like actually not as bad because what your sister did is far worse regarding to like the life of your own boy. It's fucking crazy. I think that's where it gets complex too is because none of my actions in my life are calculated, but my sister can sometimes take that and she can twist things a little bit.

And she might think I got pregnant despite her, or like that's not reality. And it can be hard to talk to my sister. She's not the most logical person sometimes, and she can be a bit reactive. So for me to... So does anyone know yet? I can't put my life on pause like you said.

Does anyone know? No, you are, the vile Files is the first people to know. Obviously my fiance, but I do find it funny. How far along are you? I guess this is my announcement. Congratulations, by the way. It's, it's all. Like six weeks.

Okay, so very new. Like I want you not wasting a second worrying about what your sister is going to say. That stress you don't need. Yeah. It's not that I care as much. I was wondering if your sister is going to say. That stress you don't need. Yeah, it's not that I care as much

as what my sister is going to say. I just don't want it. And she's a little bit persistent with her opinions. And I don't want her to suck the joy out of this season with, I guess, whatever she's gonna bring me. Who is aware of this in your family? Not your pregnancy. What my sister said.

Yeah, what she did, the whole drama around it. So I never told a soul, but my fiance knows because I've expressed how it's hurt me to him, but no one knows the depth of what my sister said to me. I mean, what do you think is the best approach? And I guess, is that why you're calling it? Are you trying to figure out how to approach this,

what you should do? Like, how can I be helpful? I want to figure out a to approach this, what you should do, like what's, like how can I be helpful? I want to figure out a way to tell my sister without hurting her and damaging our relationship further, but also not taking away from being happy in a time that I am really happy and I'm really excited. Write her a letter. You think that? A slow burn? Why is that a slow burn? I feel like I don't have to face her, so maybe it's like a cop out for me. I'm not suggesting you like,

read her 17 different emails that slowly tell the story and drip the information. Writing a letter is always nice because obviously this is emotional for you, right? And then when we jump into emotional conversations, we can get sidetracked and easily get distracted and feel like we didn't say what we really wanted to say and sometimes the conversation could get

derailed especially by people who make it about themselves and yada yada yada so a letter allows you to just kind of get your thoughts out without you getting all that worked out hopefully which obviously with you being pregnant is a primary concern don't know how she's going to respond but hopefully it gives her a chance to not be as reactive because I guess she can pick up the phone and text you right away and say whatever's crossing her mind, but there's also a chance that whatever feeling she has,

even if it's anger or sadness or whatever, that she might be reactive by herself and then calm the fuck down and then maybe read what you had to say. Yeah, that is a good point. I think that her having more time to process might help her. I think her and her husband feed off each other a little bit because he, I know that she seemed very kind and supportive when I talked to her and then I think when she reflected

with him is when a lot of these feelings came up. Maybe it's all his fault, but the other day, like, I love Natalie, but if Natalie somehow, like this example I gave you about my brother getting married, if Natalie somehow took exception to my brother getting married before us, I would not have allowed her to warped my mentality. And at the end of the day, your sister's an adult woman who has her own agency and

thoughts and opinions. She can disagree with her husband and she can push back and she could defend her sister and she can say, that's ridiculous. She had the opportunity to bring life in this world and who cares whose first, second, third, or last? We're going to be happy for her because she's my baby sister. She could have done that. I know it might even be you, easier for you

to like kind of blame him and let your sister off the hook. But like. I think more like you, like I would love to be pregnant with my sister. I would be so happy for my little sister if she was pregnant. So I think I need to take a step back from, I guess, feeling responsible for her reaction and just take myself out of it.

All I can do is tell her and then hope she can find a way to be at peace with that. Yeah, I mean, you're not responsible for her reaction and you did nothing wrong and I hope that goes without saying. But yeah, I really think you just write a letter. You can always rewrite a letter that you haven't sent. There's that. Do you think I should tell her that I was hurt

by what she said or do you think I should just let it go? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Real simple as always, you lead with love. Hey, I want you to know more than anything, I love you. And you are my big sister. I don't know how you feel about her, but if there's some versions of like, I've looked up to you, like not only you're my sister,

but like, you know, I can see you as my friend and someone I go to advice, like our relationship matters to me. So you start with some version of that, and then you go into, which is why I wanted to write you, because obviously I haven't really addressed what happened with us in the past. But it was hurtful and it was a lot to process,

and I couldn't help but have some residual feelings about, obviously you're not blaming her, you want to make it very clear, but like, it was just, it was hard for you to hear your sister not be happy for you and suggest that you had to plan your life around hers and that doesn't seem right or okay. And then you tell her that yes, this was hurtful. This is how I affected me. I love you regardless.

And I, you know, obviously I'm writing you because I wanna have a relationship with you. But I'm also writing you to let you know that I am pregnant, and I'm incredibly happy. And we're incredibly happy. And you don't have, don't feel like you knew, explain to her why you're pregnant or your decision. I know that you, and then you could say,

I know you wouldn't matter. I don't know what your brother-in-law's name is or whatever. I know you mentioned you were trying, so I can't be very nervous to tell you because of how you reacted last time. My hope is that you can support me this time around and be happy for us as I would be happy for you. The moment you tell me that you're pregnant, I'm going be joyous and I hope that we can you know someday be

pregnant together. I hope I can be there for you and I hope you're there for me. But like I just want you to know as my sister who I love like this is how this felt and I'm really hoping that we can grow from here. And you keep it generally positive but you absolutely express how she made you feel. Yeah, I think that's a good idea because it's been two years and it still weighs on my chest. Like they always say, if you're mad, go to bed. If you're still mad, then bring it up.

But I do, I love my sister and we are close and that's, I think a bit why it caught me so off guard. So I do think that it would be worth addressing. And I do want to go with love because I don't hate my sister. I don't, I'm not even super mad at her. I just, I feel hurt because I love her and I want to be loved back by my sister. Yeah, you can mention that. Like, it was really hard to hear what you said to me and then

never have you apologize for it. And now I can't help but feel guilt about my own pregnancy again for how you might react. And I just don't think that's fair. And I'm really hoping that's not how you feel this time around. And I'm really hoping that you're happy for us because obviously I'd be happy for you, but I'm worried to tell you. And this is why I'm writing to you because more than anything, I need to protect. My mental health in my baby,

and I wanna keep the energy nothing but positive. I really like the way you worded that. Yeah, I can do it. You can. I think I'm scared of her a little bit. I understand, because you're a big sister, but realistically and practically speaking, what are you afraid of?

I think I don't like to cause waves in my family, I think middle children in general, or a lot of times like the peacekeeper. Sure. Yeah, totally. Yeah. And so- But you can work on that. I think it's, yeah.

And I've been really working on setting boundaries because I'm not a practicing Catholic. I have kind of been a little bit steered away from it. So I've been navigating, like I lived with my boyfriend before we got married. Obviously I got some pushback from my family. Are you married now? No, we're getting married in October. Okay, great. Yeah, so I know you and Adley have experiences.

And how have your parents handled, you know, you're living in sin, I guess. I don't know, do they care? I've been told I'm living in sin, but the thing is they tell me how they feel, but then my mom also helped me move in. So it is a balance of like, I can respect where those values are coming from

and I understand where they feel, but they always show up for me. Yeah, and they'll get over it. Is your sister a practicing Catholic? So my older sister is not. They did get married in a Catholic church. Like they follow, I guess, the appearance of the religious family, but- So they baptize and go to church on Easter and Christmas and-

But they're not, they have, like they don't go to church on Sundays, they're not. And they also did live together before they got married. So- Your sister loves the optics? Yes, they do. But we're, so we've been, we're not getting married in a church. And ironically, before we got pregnant, we actually were eloping. So it kind of works out for our own traditional plan that we're not doing

like a walk down the aisle in front of everybody, because I'm a little nervous about being pregnant at my own wedding, but we are eloping and then we're having a reception later. Okay. That's awesome. You have nothing to be afraid of your sister. Like the worst thing that can happen is she could you guys could you know not talk for a while there'd be distance and that would be sad but like nothing to be afraid of you know like you know what I'm saying like you know the fear that you say that's kind of like again not a therapist but like I'm guessing like Darlene my therapist would be like that's your inner child kind of like, again, not a therapist, but I'm guessing

Darlene, my therapist, would be like, that's your inner child being afraid of your bigger sister when you were younger and her laying down the law. And clearly she has no problem playing the role of bigger sister. I would practice you having no issue telling her back that you're not interested in what she thinks or feels, but you are open to always receiving her love and support. And I think that's where I've tried to push back, where this is a little bit of, I guess, a tangent, but she wasn't really happy with us eloping.

And when I pushed back, it did not go very well. How so? And what do you mean? When we decided we wanted to elope, we wanted it to just be our parents. And when my sister found out, she called me and she told me that she pretty much thought it was like a big F-U to everyone who's ever supported us.

And when I told her that it wasn't about her, she got really defensive and said that she's not allowed to have feelings and I just, I'm like, I don't know how to say that it's not about you without hurting your feelings, but it's not about you. Well, also she's allowed to have her feelings hurt and doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I mean, that's the thing about people like,

well, I'm not allowed to have feelings? No, you're allowed to have feelings. I just don't care. And then you don't say that because she won't take it. I don't know, do you watch Vanderpump? I've been using this a lot lately. I don't, but I know everything just because of your podcast. In the last episode, Ariana, I've been going on and on about it because her friends are voicing frustrations

about some of her choices, some of her boundaries of not interacting with certain people. And it's been frustrating to some of her friends. And it's been inconvenient to some of her friends. And when her friends at this reunion expressed these feelings, she was calm, like kinda how I want you to be. She validated their feelings. She didn't even argue against. She wasn't like, no, you're wrong for feeling that way. I'm right because I was the one who hurt

and this isn't about you. She didn't say that. She was just like, no, like I hear you. Those are valid. You're valid for feeling that way. I just like, it doesn't change how I'm gonna go about making my choices for myself and what's best for my happiness and my mental health.

And I respect your choice, I disagree with your choice, but you're entitled to your choice and you're happy to feel how you want, but it's not gonna change how I go about things. And that's why I need you and I want you to do is let your sister feel. She can be upset, she can be sad. You can validate, but like I understand how you feel.

Those are valid feelings, but like this is something we needed to do for ourselves. And while it wasn't our intention, I'm sorry that you felt this way. Which is I know if people are just like, the semantics of an apology, technically that's not a real apology. But you're also not apologizing

for something you're not sorry for. You are acknowledging her feelings. So that way she can't say to you, well, you know, why am I not allowed to have feelings? Like, no, you were totally allowed. It makes a lot of sense. I can understand why you might feel that way. Just know it wasn't our intention.

And while you feel this way, just so you know, and you can even admit this in the nicest possible, hopefully not totally cond feel this way, just so you know, and you can even admit this in the nicest possible, hopefully not totally condescending way, is just like yeah, like I will acknowledge that when we were planning our wedding, our first thought wasn't you. When we looked at our situation, we made the best decision for ourselves because obviously, you know, when we're getting married that's ultimately what it comes down to. And you know, you know I'm saying it's like someone like your sister,

don't match her emotion or her energy. You have to like almost just articulate calmly, you know, the crazy that she's saying, right? And allow her to, allow her, validate her feelings. Allow her, yeah, you're totally right. That makes a lot of sense how you feel that way. I just don't feel the same. Yeah, and that can be hard. That's what I'm really working on

is because a lot of my family doesn't feel the same way as me. But I do think that just validating their feelings is a good way to go about it because sometimes I do try to defend myself or I try to explain why I'm trying to do things, but that's really hard to do and they're not gonna ever think the same way as me.

Especially when it comes to your family dynamics and deciding not to live your life the way your parents raised you or practice certain religions that maybe the rest of your family, you don't need to explain shit. Like at the end, it doesn't affect them, how my household has ran, if it's ran with love

and it's healthy and happy. Exactly. And short of your family, and even if they were to, which I don't think it should change your decision, but short of them disowning you, that could be devastating for anyone, but that hasn't happened yet. And it doesn't seem like it's going to you, but every decision you make,

you're almost acting as if it's possible that they could. My parents wouldn't, but I feel like my sister, I don't know why. Your sister's a bit of a bully. Bullies operate under intimidation and threats. And the reason why your sister does what she does is because you react. And the moment you stop reacting, she will probably stop doing what she does. But she is so used to getting a reaction out of you, it feeds her fire.

Yeah, and it does get to me. She can probably sense that it actually does. Yes, yes. And I do care how she feels, and that's, you know, I do want my sister to feel heard and feel validated, but sometimes I just lately think she's wrong. Yeah, and that's okay. You can say that, and you can say, I care how you feel. But sometimes, sister, your feelings are not going to trump mine. And I want to be able to

acknowledge your feelings and validate them because they are important. But that doesn't always mean I'm going to do what you want to do. You know, you don't have to like them, but I'm asking you to respect them. And I'm asking you to treat me like you would your sister, even though I don't often do things you agree with because you have to live your life, and I have to live mine. The pettiest thing you should say in this letter, and I don't think you should really say it, but you can remind her that you don't remember

the last time she called you up and asked for your input or permission more specifically of how she should live hers. Yeah, that's a very good point. That's all very helpful, and it's nice just to feel validated that, and I know I didn't do anything wrong and I don't feel any sort of shame or like I'm in a situation where I need to apologize, but it is nice just to have some, I guess,

a voice of common sense in my ear of like, she's not in control of anything and her feelings are not my problem. I mean, unless you want to make them your problem because you care and you're empathetic. I know. Well, there you go. I'm getting married this year.

You know, I pray everything goes healthy with this pregnancy and there's just so much positivity happening that I don't really have the energy or care to entertain that unless it's coming from a supportive and loving place. I think we really downplay the whole like kill with kindness and the power that it has. And it's shocking how little we utilize that gift and that power of killing people with love. So like your sister who you're so afraid of as you say, like the worst thing that we both came up with

that she can do is basically give you the silent treatment and like quote unquote disown you, you know, which is basically her just ignoring you for a period of time and like talking shit about you to her mom and dad and your other sibling. Let's assume she does all that. You could still choose to every once in a while send a text or a letter just saying I love you.

I miss you. You could. You could do that. And yeah, your ego might be a little bruised by doing it and giving it a satisfaction, but like that's power. Your ability to still send her I love you and still act as if nothing's changed even though she is putting up this like huge fight and and not even talking to you and yet you're still able to say whenever you're ready I love you. I'm not

necessarily going to change how I feel. I'm not going to back down from my boundaries or expectations but regardless I'm okay with disagreeing with you and still loving you because you're my sister. Like, is she really just gonna keep hating you for that? I think if she actually said out loud what has happened and the things she said, which I think she would be in a little bit of denial now about it,

anyone listening would say that that's a little bit crazy. And I don't think that she has much power against me to really create an army. I think that she might vent a little bit to my family and they may entertain her a little bit, but eventually she'll get over it. And my family's not really a bunch of bandwagoners. Like they are all pretty have independent feelings. The whole family is not going to turn on me. I'm not really worried about that. Yeah, that's going to be fine. I don't think I did anything evil. Don't give her the power. Yeah, and this is coming down to you not giving her the oxygen and power.

All your fears, while valid, they're only gonna happen if you manifest them. Like before you called in, you were like, you had all these things of what you could do, and one option was to like basically call her up, not really to let her know what she did, but seek her approval one more time, only to not get it. Like that was a scenario that you could have done. My other thought was just to hide my baby for the rest of my life.

Another crazy idea. But I think that's just me being, maybe being a little bit of a, like, avoidant of the conversation that- Yeah, but still giving her power. I'm scared of her reaction. And to, you know, I think about this all the time. Every time I'm scared of her reaction. But still giving her power. And I think about this all the time, every time I'm thinking about questions with Nick and the things I say to you guys,

is like the energy is a tangible thing and yet we often dismiss it as such. Your energy, the amount of time that you think about anything isn't limitless. And if you were to listen, I mean, I know you're kind of joking, but let's just say, for argument's sake, that you were to, quote unquote, at least you're kind of joking, but let's just say for argument's sake, that you were to quote unquote, at least for a period of time, hide your pregnancy.

Avoid telling her. You know how much energy that would take you? Yeah, it would weigh on my chest every day. Every day. And I think we often discount that by telling ourselves it's easier to avoid, to avoid, to avoid. Well, to avoid takes energy. Every day, to continue to hide, avoid, to avoid, to avoid. Well, to avoid takes energy. Every day, to continue to hide, avoid,

to not address the issue, that eats away at us. We could be doing so much more with that energy, even if that was just being at peace. And I wanna be at peace, and that's why I think, like, when the time comes and everything is healthy with this pregnancy, I would just wanna rip the bandaid off. This is nothing but a joyful thing. You have nothing to worry about. You're not afraid of your sister. Like what she is, if anything, is annoying. That's it. And all our siblings

can be annoying. Your sister's currently being annoying. It's not a you problem. That's a her problem. So stop making her problems yours by taking on, you know, her baggage and worrying for her. So when you write this letter, don't do the thing where every sentence you write, you're thinking, well, how is she gonna receive this? Is this worded perfectly? Lead with love, don't be mean,

and then read it back to yourself after you write it and ask yourself, am I venting or am I communicating? If you're venting, maybe try again. If you're communicating and also always every time, even when you are venting, are you always bringing it back to a place of ultimately, what do you want out of this letter? That message should be, I wanna have a sister

and I wanna have a healthy relationship with you. And while we're not always gonna agree, I still always want you in my life and I wanna feel like we have mutual respect. You're not writing this letter to get the perfect response. You are writing this letter to finally get out what you've been holding on for so long so that you can move forward with your pregnancy with peace.

And whenever your sister's ready, which I doubt will be right away, she'll communicate with you. Yeah, especially if she's not pregnant. Yeah, she'll communicate with you. And, especially if she's not pregnant. Yeah, she'll communicate with you. And maybe when she first communicates with you, it won't be the reaction that you hoped for, but it's still not your problem. The more you can sound like that, unbothered, chill as fuck,

and totally at peace with your decision, I promise you, you'll win. You won't give her a choice. Yeah, I think you're right. Weirdly enough, maybe it's just me being a product of having Ted siblings, but like this is the thing I'm talking to you about is the thing, like I've never struggled with this. This is something that's always come natural to me and I hope I can pass this gift on to you, the middle child who does struggle with this, but I can just assure you they're still going to be your brother and sister.

You know, they're not going anywhere. The benefit of knowing that like at the end of the day, they're kind of stuck with you and vice versa. So just keep loving them and they'll figure it out and let them work through their bullshit, all right? Congratulations on your pregnancy. Thank you. Super happy for you and the upcoming wedding. Super happy for you.

All that matters is that you and your fiance are aligned. None of that matters. None of the, you know. Yeah, we're solid over here. Yeah, that is all that matters. Keep focusing on that. Don't let these people like take away your energy and just like, I can't stress enough.

I'm not sure broken record, but just the more you can acknowledge one's feeling while still enforcing your boundaries, you'll be a force to be reckoned with if you can do that. Thank you, I'm gonna work on that. All right, take care. Keep us posted. I'd love to know how this conversation with Big Sis goes. Okay. Well, thank you so much.

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That is helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L with Helix. Better sleep starts now. How's it going? Good. What's your name? My name's Ava and I'm 32 years old. How can we help Ava? I'm wondering if I should cut my grandma off if I'm right or not. When we want to cut off Gam Gam? Why do we want

to cut off grandma? It's kind of a long story but I have four kids and over spring break my grandma, which is their great grandma, wanted to have my oldest daughter stay with her for like the whole week. And she was taking her to a sewing class that they were doing together. She also wanted all my kids to come on one of the days, all four of them. And I was okay with it. I didn't ask her to watch my kids. She wanted to.

The night before the day that she was supposed to have all my kids for a sleepover, she called me and asked if I could make sure to give my nine-year-old son his ADHD medication and if I could send it with him. But we only medicate him when he's in school, and she knows that because it has side effects that I don't like. And I'm really only doing it so that the school will keep him in regular classes. So she... Wait, the school requires him to take this medication? That kind of messed up. It's been a whole thing.

But he's not like a bad kid or anything like that. He's not hard to handle. So I told her like, I'm just kind of blown away that a public school system is this public school? Yeah. A public school is enforcing a kid to take- Not enforcing, but it's just the only way that we have been able to help him with his doctor and everything. He just can't sit still. Okay. But he only takes it on school days, so on the weekends and everything he doesn't because. You don't like it, he doesn't love it,

you don't want him to be on it, totally understandable. So she started freaking out. She was like, well, I guess I'll just try to deal with him. And I was like, well, you don't have to. And she just went on like this rampage about how every time he's there, he's just so much to handle and he's obnoxious and she doesn't know how she'll possibly handle it.

And I told her, well, you've never seen him on his medication. First of all, every time I bring him there, he's not medicated and he's not that way. And if that's how you feel, then I guess you won't have them for a sleepover. Like you asked for this. And she just went over the top.

She started saying that I'm a bad mother. I'm the most negative person she's ever met. She doesn't know why my husband is still with me. They dread when we come over to visit. It was like five minutes of me just sitting in silence while my grandma said some of the worst things you could possibly say. Where's your mom in this equation? It's actually my dad's mom and my parents are divorced. So my dad and stepmom, my grandma is kind of always been like this, but she's never done it to me. They pretty much only

go over there for holidays and stuff because she's really mean to my stepmom. So this was the absolute last straw because of course after this conversation I called my dad. He called her, got in a fight with her and they haven't spoken since either. So this is like around April 10th I think. Well cutting her off completely seems strong. Does it? Okay. Cutting off grandma for the rest of her life seems unnecessary. Like why do you have to decide today whether you're gonna cut her off forever? What if grandma changes her tune? What if she realizes that maybe she needs to be medicated,

you know, and then comes down to planet earth? I don't fucking know. You know what I'm saying? But I get your anger. I get your frustration. And given that grandma has a history of this behavior, I get where you're coming from by saying, well, listen, like this is called spade of spade and I just don't want this type of person in my life.

I guess what I'm saying is you can set the rigid boundary of limiting grandma access to you and your kids without coming to the finite decision of we're cutting off grandma forever. I'm not speaking to you anymore. You're done to us. You're dead to me. That's- I know. That's where I'm really stuck. Yeah. Well, I find the middle ground. The middle ground is to stand up for yourself and your children, to communicate the boundary, I'm assuming the boundary is, you can't speak to me or my children that way.

The second boundary is, if you wanna have access to my children, you have to follow our rules, not yours. And if you don't want to, it's totally fine. We let you hang out with our kids because we want them to have a relationship with you, but if that's not conducive to your lifestyle, you're getting older, maybe this is too much for you. Totally fine. But either way, our kids are rules. So that's this super

rigid boundary. Hope you can respect it. And that includes when your kids do and don't take medication. You don't get to make make some of our feet kids feel included and some of our other kids feel excluded. You don't get to have Tommy and Sally over but exclude Johnny and make Johnny feel like he's not normal. So we're just not gonna have you have access to to anyone. And again totally understand we're happy to bring the kids over. we're happy to have you come over, but maybe sleepovers is too much for you. Again, she's the one saying, this is too much for me.

Her words, not yours. But more importantly, you just say, listen, it's just really hurtful to say some of the things that you've said. I hope that you don't actually mean it, but if you do, obviously, I'm not looking to have that type of energy in my life. I hope these words are coming out of from a place of anger and you being upset. Either way I love you I forgive you but nonetheless I just can't have that type of energy in my life. The trick is you need to be able to get to the place to say this and communicate this without losing your fucking mind.

But you can do it. But here's what I understand. The alternative is you're literally cutting off grandma for life. So you called in with being like, should I cut this bitch off for life? For life, forever, you know? So if you're willing to let her go forever, then why can't you just calmly point out your rules

while giving her her decision to decide whether she wants to follow him or not? The alternative, you're just like, hey, I'm about to cut you off for life. If you're willing to go to that extreme, why can't you calmly give her the option to choose a different path? Yeah, she hasn't reached out at all since that.

Well, again, I don't think you need to rush to. Total acceptable response for you to like distance yourself from grandma for a period of time, let feelings cool, whatever. I'm just responding to your question, which is should I cut off grandma forever? And I'm just saying before you cut off grandma forever, maybe you communicate that boundary with her

and see how she responds. That way you're never cutting off grandma forever. You're just saying them's the rules you need to follow to have access to me and my children. And the moment you're able to follow them and respect them, you can be a part of our lives. Until you do, you can't. And the choice is yours.

It's not my choice, it's your choice. I'm not cutting you off. You are choosing not to be a part of our lives if you can't respect our rules. You know, you can't say those things to me. I'm sorry you feel that way. Even if I felt that way, I wouldn't say it to you. I didn't sit there and, you know, but it was really hurtful for you to say what you said just because you simply, just simply because I didn't do what you wanted me to do, seems unfair and unnecessary. But again, that's you, not me, not gonna, like you gotta get to a place where you don't let grandma,

who has a history of acting this way and being this way, say out of pocket things and letting it, why are you letting it bother you so much? It's my grandma and she like practically said she hated everything about me. Yeah, that sucks. And then that's really hurtful. Yeah.

Oh, I, I, no, I expect you to be upset and hurt about it. I do, but how you communicate, you know, yelling at her and, and trying to, you know, your hurt, I guess is what I'm saying. And you've heard the phrase hurt people, hurt people. And your instinct is to try to hurt her back because she hurt you. And what I am suggesting is to not to do that is to acknowledge your hurt. I guess, accept your hurt and lead with love and treat her how, you know, the golden rule, right?

Because trying to hurt her because she hurt you, isn't going to get you anywhere. It's just going to create more animosity and hostility and make you cut off a woman who like honestly could die tomorrow. I know. You know, so like, let's not put that type of juju on you. Forgive grandma for having for being this way. I don't know what type of trauma this young lady experienced, you know, 60 years ago when she was 12 years old, but knowing how things were, maybe it was some fucked up shit. I don't know. So give her grace and

forgiveness knowing that she is the way she is, probably for reasons you can't explain or understand or even have an insight to. That's not to excuse her actions. That's just to make you understand because right now you're literally thinking, how could my grandma say this to me? Well, clearly it's coming from a place of pain. So offer her grace as to why it might be the way that is without have to fully understanding, you know, especially if this is like, this is the way she's always been. Well, it's coming from somewhere and you're probably not going to figure out the where or the why, but all you can do is just accept it, give her grace and set boundaries that you give her the option to decide to do. And through the grace that you give her, that will hopefully allow you to, again, you can

be hurt, but stop you from wanting to hurt her as a repercussion. Because that's where the whole like, should I cut her off forever comes from. You want to hurt her. You want her to pay the consequences for how she made you feel about yourself and how you raised your children, and you're gonna punish her by cutting her off. And a much healthier option is to not cut her off,

but to, again, communicate the boundary, which gives her the option on whether she wants to have access to your kids. And that's not you doing it to hurt her, that's being a good parent. Love your grandma, but we're not really concerned to what grandma needs, we're concerned to what the kids need.

And if grandma wants a sleepover, I'm here to figure out how we can make that work, but not if it comes in the way of what my children need. And here's what my children need. So you need to respect that, you need to get on board with that, and when you do, we can have all the sleepovers you want. And if not, totally okay.

They don't even really like sleeping in your place. I don't think you should say that, but you do we can have all the sleepovers you want and if not totally okay they don't even really like sleeping over your place I don't think you should say that but you get what I'm saying it really just comes down to you know how you come to these decisions and why you come to them because this is really just protecting your heart and protecting your energy and not allow you to go down these toxic paths and not allowing grandma who says some mean and hurtful things that are coming from a place of pain and past trauma will make you feel less good about yourself. Okay. And then listen, if there's anything she said that was slightly triggering to you that you felt like maybe was more true than you wanted it

to be, I don't know, you don't need to explain yourself to me, well then sure, like reflect and if you think you need to work on things, work on things. I don't know, you know, whatever. Whatever those things might be. Is that helpful? Yeah, very helpful. Great. Yeah, everyone else I've talked to is like too close to it.

You know, like my dad and my husband are also really mad. So. Yeah, they have the right to be mad. To have somebody with a completely outside perspective. But trying to get grandma to pay the price for her actions is not gonna be productive. Yeah, right now it doesn't seem like it's bothering her at all.

That's totally fine, but again, you are focusing on whether she's bothered, has more to do with punishing her. Yeah, that's true. Okay, when you get off the phone with me, the thing I want you focusing on is forgiveness and gratitude when it comes to grandma. Forgiveness being centered around the fact that you do not understand why grandma is the way she is,

but you accept that it's probably a product of some trauma that you will never have insight to, that she probably never dealt with because therapy and taking care of your mental health wasn't that all big of a deal five years ago and trying to teach an old horse new tricks is pretty tough. So we're just gonna choose to forgive her for saying what she said and not allowing us to take it as truth right? Your ability to forgive grandma for saying what she says gives you the permission to not take what she said seriously. Imagine running into one of your kids, right?

You're taking them to the playground and some little fuck of a kid comes up to you and, I don't know, says all the things that grandma said to you. Would that bother you that much? Or would you be like, you're the little fucking dipshit kid, you don't even know who I am.

You know what I'm saying? And that's how you need to see grandma. Okay. Right? Because grandma doesn't know better. It seems like. You would forgive this kid. You'd be like, oh, you're a little fucked. I don't know. But you don't know what you're talking about. Go on. Go forth in this world. So you need to not let grandma bother you by forgiving her for what she said. You don't have to forget. Forgetting is not enforcing the boundaries that clearly need to be enforced based off of this new information of how grandma acts. You're forgiving her because you're not going to allow it to affect how you feel about yourself because she has no real

insight into as you as a person or a mother and she's clearly projecting and again she's hurt, she's trying to hurt you. Let's not do the same thing back. And her wanting to care is you wanting her to hurt somehow by you not speaking. So you say, hey, listen, I don't know where grandma's trauma is coming from, but I forgive her for saying this. She clearly is going through some stuff. Obviously, we want our distance from grandma. So if and when she's ever ready to have a productive conversation, she'll reach out. Until then, we're just going to forgive grandma for unfortunately being who

she is. Okay. Just for my own peace of mind, honestly. Yeah. Okay. And when grandma reaches out, you say, grandma, glad to hear from you. I love you. That being said, it hurt my feelings and I totally forgive you. it's okay. But that being said, again, when she asked to see the kids, you need to explain that these are the rules. It's up to Grandma to decide if she wants to play by them.

You don't set boundaries to hurt people. You set boundaries to protect yourself and to protect your children. Your decision to cut her off isn't a boundary, it's revenge. Yeah, I didn't think of it in that way, but you're great. Let her go. Let her do her thing. You wanted to cut her off anyway, so her maintaining your distance shouldn't bother you.

The things she said came from a place of pain, not reality, and you know that. Yeah. So let's forgive her for not having access to the same things that you had access to as a child because she's only hurting herself, right? Like she went from having a nice little sleepover with the grandkids to not speaking to the grandkids. Who does that hurt? Her.

The grandkids can hurt. Sure, the grandkids, but they'll be okay. They've asked one time about her and I didn't really know how to approach them. I know. I promise you it bothers you more than it bothers them. Yeah, for sure. They'll be okay. It's hurting grandma. What does she have? Half her friends are dead. Yeah, and I'm the only, she only has two grandkids and I'm the only one with children, so. Yeah, so again, that's where the empathy comes in, is that if she is, this is only really affecting her and her inability to have the type of productive conversations

you're able to have and reflect and her inability to process whatever trauma she's had to deal with is hurting her in the relationship she has at this stage of her life when she really shouldn't be stressing over this type of stuff. But that's her choice and you can't choose her life for her. When she's ready to make healthy decisions, you're ready to like have her be a part of your life. But the choice is hers. Okay. I think I can do that. Right. Well, let us know if there's an update. We'd love to know if... Yeah.

...how things happen in the future. I will let you know if she reaches out and how the conversation goes. Okay. Really focus on forgiveness and and still loving her. Yeah. That gives you the permission to not take what she said so seriously. Okay. Okay? Yes. All right. That sounds good. Thank you. Take care. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatthevolfiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow for a reality recap. Bye.