The Viall Files - E772 Ask Nick - My $750 Wedding

Episode Date: July 8, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a written Ask Nick. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller feels like she’s moving too fast in her relationship. Our second caller’s mother thinks she tried to manipulate her, but now wants to reconnect. And, our third caller’s wedding officiant RSVP'd no… and it's her cousin. “Do you really want her at your wedding, or no?” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Cremo - You can find Cremo Men’s Body Wash in its new, distinctive Bourbon Vanilla scent at Walmart or https://www.Walmart.com  Vessi - Visit https://www.Vessi.com/viall to find the perfect blend of style and practicality in shoes designed for urban getaways and enjoy an instant 15% off your first order at checkout. Lume - Use code VIALL for 15% off your first purchase at https://www.LumeDeodorant.com  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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Learn more at huggies.com. Once again, head to huggies.com to learn more. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vyfiles Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick and welcome household, all you household members listening. We got sweet boy Justin with us. We got Scooter Magoo, also known as Lay. I hope you guys had a fun and enjoyable holiday week,

weekend, 4th of July, whatever you did. I hope it was fun, safe and lovely. I hope no one blew off thumbs, ears, body parts with fireworks. I'm still sitting blew off thumbs, ears, body parts with fireworks. I'm still sitting here. We're still standing. All right, all right, all right.

We got a great week lined up for you. We got some reality recap tomorrow. We got Jess from Perfect Match on Wednesday, a special episode of Going Deeper coming this Wednesday. It is going to be a cheek clenching, jaw dropping. Holy shit, I can't believe this happened. All like Raven from Love is Blind. What cheeks are we clenching?

All the cheeks. Okay. All the cheeks. It's a very, let's just say, sensitive situation going on with Jess and all things regarding Harry. But it's a wild, wild, wild, wild, I really feel for her. Tough situation. Anyways, that is this week on going, that is this week on The Vile Files. Anyways, we have a writer in her. We do, yes. And this is an interesting one.

She writes in saying, my grandparents prefer my brother, and says, hey guys, my grandparents are pretty close to me and they've always treated me and my brother similar, but recently this has shifted completely. They have ruined my graduation party without apologizing, and they've recently given my brother his second car,

and I have never gotten even one car from them, LOL. They've also paid for an apartment for my brother, and every time I visit them, they always talk and ask only about him. I think it's more of a sexist thing, giving more attention to the man, I don't know. But I've been feeling really bad about this, and I don't know if I should tell them if it bothers me. Since they're old, and I don't know if it would help. But it bothers my dad, and when I visit their city, I don't go visit them anymore. I just don't even tell them I'm in town.

What should I- It does bother her dad though. Yes. Why doesn't dad say something to mom and dad? Yeah, I feel like the parents should step in. Well, so she ends it saying, what should I do? Should I ignore it or have a conversation? I think it's definitely worthy of a conversation

if it's bothering you that much. I mean, like they're buying him cars and apartments, and she's getting nothing? I'd be pissed. Could it be that they're just more comfortable with the brother? Like, in context of when she's saying they only ask me about my brother,

then it's like, maybe they just don't know how to connect with her. Devil's advocate. I don't know. I mean, but like, it's so, it's not like, it's not like an open for interpretation. Yeah. It's like, you know, you treat me differently, you know?

Like a lot of kids might say like, well, I'm just saying they're like, Becky's your favorite, and the parents are like, oh my God, we love you both the same. And then like, it's a matter of perspective, which might be like your own, you might be projecting your own insecurities. I don't know, you know what I'm saying?

Like there's a lot of people who like, don't think they get enough attention. In fact, they are energy suckers and they get all the attention, but it's just never fucking enough because like a lot of people who like give to receive, you know? If you give to receive, then you're like,

your thirst for attention and validation is limitless. It also takes away from the giving. Yeah. I'll clarify too that she says it bothers her dad that when she visits their city, she never visits the grandparents. That's why. So it doesn't bother her dad?

No, so it bothers her specifically that she doesn't visit them. Well, maybe talk to dad first and be like, have you ever noticed that like Johnny's like has a car? That they're like playing favorites like in a very serious way. But I guess my point is like this is a tangible thing. It's not open for interpretation.

I mean, I guess it's open for interpretation who they might like more for different reasons. But either way, she didn't get a car or an apartment. So she could just be like, how do I just ask, just I'm curious. I'm in the market for a new car. Any suggestions on how I might go about getting one? I noticed you bought one, two for John.

Is that because you like him more? I can't help but feeling a certain way about it. I mean, like you can have like, you know, you can even like be fun. But it's worth a question. Like, I'm also curious if it's like the grandparents see him as like he needs more assistance, but like you're self-sustaining.

Maybe. Yeah, there's so many details here that we need to know. Like where do they both live? How old are they? Certainly worthy of a question. Just out of curiosity, like I would, I couldn't help but feel like, you know, Natalie's the youngest of her family.

And it was like tradition for her grandparents to like, I think send upon their high school graduation to send said kid to Europe. She didn't get one. Ooh. Yeah, she didn't get sent to Europe. Well, cause that's the thing too, is that like sometimes with the oldest,

like they get all the gifts and stuff, and then the parents or grandparents just run out of money and they're just like. But that's not what's going on here. Yeah. Yeah. This is ongoing and current. But I guess my question is certainly worthy, but I would also ask dad, you know,

hey, fair dad, you don't want me to go, but I can't help to be a little bothered and maybe jealous color, you know, sorry, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that he's gotten two cars and he's paying for it and they're paying for his apartment. I could really use that. I don't know what her, like what's her job?

She didn't say. Yeah, listen, if she's crushing life and her brother's kind of a loser, I would just be happier that you're crushing life rather than grandma and grandpa are giving cars. That's what I was getting at. So maybe there's that. Is there a discrepancy in your financial situation?

And I understand it might feel like it's not fair or grandma and grandpa like you better, but like, you know, teach a man to fish, so to speak. Like when grandma and grandpa stop giving him apartments and cars, what is he gonna be left with? Nothing, maybe. And you are, and you're like crushing life.

So like, you know, maybe there's a little bit of that, but nevertheless, either way, posing the question, and again, as a question, not an accusation, honestly, just Jen question, is there a reason why, like he gets all the cars in the apartments and I don't? And just see what they say. Don't be like, do you, you know, don't accuse them of liking him more than me or accuse them of doing,

just ask the question, see what they say. Yeah, do you think there's any value in her talking to her brother about it? No, what's, why, what's it's not his fault? Well, just. It's not his fault, it's not his fault. No, it's not his fault, but just maybe like. Have you noticed this?

Yeah. Cause then it's like confirming between them. Is it just me or like? I don't know how fault? No, it's not his fault, but just maybe like. Have you noticed this? Yeah. Because then it's like confirming between them. Is it just me or like. I don't know how close they are, but I don't see, that's not gonna solve the problem. If our goal is to try to come to solve the problem or get clarity, talking to her brother is not gonna offer either.

If she's really close with her brother, maybe her brother can offer support or you know. Give her the second car. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? But like it's not going to give her the clarity that she's looking for or solve the problem that she feels like she has. Yeah.

Okay. So go to the source. And I think you can, I don't even think you go to dad, but you could let dad know, to be honest, the reason I don't is because I feel a certain way about the fact that like they haven't given me fucking shit. And maybe dad does have an opinion. could let dad know, to be honest, the reason I don't is because I feel a certain way about the fact that they haven't given me fucking shit. And maybe dad does have an opinion, maybe dad knows. I don't know, maybe dad is behind the wheel

making these decisions, who knows. But worth the question. All right, well, let's get to our callers. I know you guys wanna dive into that, but before we do, don't forget to send in your questions at asknick of the file files.com for any of your questions, whether it's an Ask Nick or maybe a specific texting office hour or a mediation.

We certainly love more of those. Relationship problems, wedding problems, family problems, whatever the problem is, give us a shot to help to help you solve it. Again, we got a great week lined up for you, so get ready for some drama, some fun, some laughs, some good times. Thanks for joining us whenever you join us,

because you are a member of the household. All right, let's get to our callers. What's your time with me? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. Is that a Packers? Heck yeah it is. From New Orleans? 1997 Super Bowl.

Yeah, hell yeah. I was literally talking about that today with Brian Baumgartner. Are you from Wisconsin? Yes, I am in La Crosse. Oh, you are, nice. I'm actually originally from Wisconsin, like born and raised.

Are you really? Oh, nice, okay. Yeah. We've been to both places. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Jess and I'm 34.

How can we help Jess? I think I'm moving too fast in my new relationship. Okay, what makes you think that you are? So we met in the middle of February, like towards the end of February. And we went on a few dates to find our relationship the beginning of April, but we said the I love you is like the end of March.

And now we are talking about selling my house and me moving in with him like the end of this year. Okay, yeah. Wow, that is fast. Yeah. Um, why do you feel like it's moving fast? Because I asked that because obviously, by definition, by I guess most people's standards that's that's moving very quickly. That being said, other people have moved very quickly and it's been fabulous. Other people, not so much so. The point is you feel like it's fast and that's what matters most. Yeah.

And we need to figure out why that is and what do we do about it? that is and what do we do about it? I think the reason why I feel that I'm moving too fast is because I mean, I've not necessarily made fun of other girls that have moved too fast or other relationships that have moved too fast, but I've questioned their intentions and why they're doing it. So now I'm like, I need to question myself.

Okay, so would you say that your feelings of moving too fast are more rooted in an exercise of self-awareness and a desire to not feel like a hypocrite rather than questioning your actual feelings about him, the relationship and its pace? Yes, I don't want to be hypocrite and I'm trying to be self-aware

because my feelings for him, I head over heels for him, he's great. Everything about how we've gotten to know each other has been, I would say, pretty healthy. So I just don't want to lose my independence because I have been independent my whole life and now I just like selling my house. Like my house has been my sanctuary

and I just feel like if I lose this, I lose a part of myself. Okay, how old are you again? 34. How old is he? 44. 44, okay. Have you had conversations with him

about your insecurities and fears? Slightly. I guess I haven't actually said to him that I feel, I fear that I might lose my independence, but we have had conversations about like, are we crazy?

Like on Sunday we ask each other a bunch of questions. I have this like intimacy game that has like 150 questions to ask your couple. So we really dove in deep on Sunday and we like, got to talk and we looked at each other like, are we crazy? What is happening here? I don't know the answer to that.

And truth is you don't know the answer to that either because you know, you're talking to someone who strongly believes that the success of any relationship comes down to not the promises we make to each other today or yesterday or tomorrow, but our willingness to wake up every day and make the relationships we decide to be a part of a priority.

So you too can say whatever the fuck you guys want to to each other today, and it can all feel very true, but we all know that feelings in life changes and you can't predict what either of you are gonna choose to prioritize in the future. Knowing that you can't do that, all you can, relationships are a leap of faith,

especially newer ones especially ones that move quickly so if you do this you're both gonna have to accept the fact that this is a risk and I think you know I think a lot of times people in relationship relationships especially relationships new ones that move fast I think sometimes people are afraid to do that out of fear of diminishing what it all means or what does that mean we're not as in love as we say we are or whatever?

It's just like, no, it's not saying that. It's just saying that like right now, you guys, here's how I see your relationship. You guys have met, here's how I see your relationship. You guys have met, it's been early, and it's been so good, so early on, that your feelings are so intense that despite two adult people, probably sane and logical,

who have probably offered their friends advice in the past, are willing to say I love you, plan for the future, make big life decisions like you've even been selling a house, knowing that you both still have a lot more to learn about each other than you actually know about each other. So I would love for you both to be able to admit that to each other and just point it out that that is just a fact. Doesn't change how you feel. What you feel is strongly, you know, it's been so fucking great, you know?

Like, I've made a lot of assumptions about the things I'm going to learn about you. But like, you know, I'm just going to have to learn them about you. I don't know how you act in your eighth month of a relationship. Why? Because you haven't been in it. You don't know how he's going to act in various scenarios that he hasn't encountered. He might be able to say, well I remember this one time that was similar to an example that you gave me and I handled it this way, but like we don't know. We don't know what life's gonna bring our way. We can't predict the future. You know, we can make educated guesses. So acknowledging to each other the risk you're both taking and not let it like getting your

head about what does that mean about us? No, it's like, hey, listen, you know what you both should say to each other? We are, we are being crazy because we are crazy about each other. Like, yes, we're being crazy. We're, we're taking a huge risk and I think you're worth it because I'm so fucking excited about you. Okay, great. Now we've giving each other permission to be fucking crazy. Awesome.

Now you don't, you know, and listen, as far as being a hypocrite, now, you know, listen, of course, you know, like you had the benefit of not giving a shit about the person you were giving advice to or the Opinion of the relationship you had you weren't in love with either of those people or the relationship they were love is crazy You know love is that's what's so great about love You know is that it's not pragmatic. It doesn't make sense You know, it's exciting and it makes you feel things and it makes you willing to do things

you wouldn't normally do for someone because you care about them because you love them and All the people that you looked at you're like you're nuts Well, you didn't love them the way they loved the person they were willing to do these crazy things for right? Yeah, so like you can give your permission not to worry about being a hypocrite, you know, maybe next time You can have a little more grace for those people Knowing that like yeah, I don't know that I've been crazy in love before and yeah, they're doing crazy things But I help those crazy kids work out. They might not I don't fucking know. I'm not here to judge them for being crazy But sure they're doing crazy things. That's what love is.

You know, you get what I'm making sense? It's not like an either or. Now back to like, I still think you can acknowledge your craziness and still make sound decisions. You can still acknowledge the crazy and maybe hedge your bet. And hedge your bet doesn't mean, well, does that mean you think you're not committed to this relationship? Isn't that fucking insane?

Selling your house. Why do you have to sell your house? I actually, like I really don't. So then why are you? Like, because what would I need a house for if I lived with them? Well. I guess I could like rent it it out in Airbnb, but then.

Why are you guys talking about moving in with each other right now? Because we're in love. Okay, great. Well, don't own it. Don't poo poo it. Own it, you fucking love the guy, right? Do you love him or not?

Yeah. Okay, so own it. Yes. All right. Do you have to live with him to be in love? No. Okay, so option one is you don't actually have to move in with each other.

That's a totally fine option. You know, you'll have only been dating for less than a year for when the day you were planning on maybe moving with each other and the day you were like, well, you know what, we don't have to do that. And sure, maybe you're spending every night at his house or every night at your house or vice versa, and maybe practically speaking,

you know, you'll be like, well, it just doesn't make sense because we're always at one of each other's houses. And why are we like, you know, like, listen, if you're gonna say to each other, we're being crazy in love, well, then there's a cost to everything, right? And maybe that cost is you're wasting money on rent. You get what I'm saying?

It's just like, well, yeah, we're being crazy. And we're saying, and we're talking about our future and we're saying, I love you before maybe other people say I love you. And I'm gonna learn about something in the future that I don't like, that I'm gonna have to accept even though I love him now, it's gonna affect how I feel about him.

But regardless, I still love him. I love how I feel about him, but regardless, I still love him. I love how I feel about him, right? And so like, you don't always have to make the pragmatic financial decision. You can be like, well, yeah, but like, who knows? So like, yeah, fine, we're wasting money, but so fucking what, you know? I can afford to quote unquote waste money.

What I can't afford is for the unknown to happen in a year and a half, and then we have problems I can't foresee, and then I've sold a house that I need. Because that is, then we're hoping, that's wasting a little extra money on rent for a house, and it's not even rent, you own the house. So you're still building equity. It's not, you know, so that's, even if it was rent,

you know, but this isn't even rent. This is mortgage. This is your mortgage, right? Option two, move in with him, rent out your house. Now it becomes an investment property, you know? Yeah. And we've talked about that too, but then there's like logistics of like, what if I get a bad

tenant and blah, blah, blah, you can get rid of you with that kind of stuff. But that's just something I have to if I don't deal with it. Again, you still have option one. Yeah. Right. You don't need the money. If you if he broke up with you tomorrow, if you had never met him, you would continue to pay for your house that you love and it's been your sanctuary and it's become meaningful for you.

And it's not like you got in this relationship because you were like, I don't know how I'm gonna afford this house in a year. So why are we worrying about how, it's like why you're acting like you need to do something with this house. Why do you need to do something with this house. Why do you need to do something with this house? I don't understand.

It's just a lot of work. I mean, like, plumbing and fixing a roof and stuff like that. I mean, it's just a lot of work. And eventually it's gonna need all of the house fixing up. It's not an apartment, it's an investment. Yeah, I don't know, so what? Yeah, you knew a house was a lot of work and yeah, someday I might need a new roof

and when you have to like, yeah, it's gonna suck to spend $25,000 on a new roof or whatever it costs or whatever. But it's not money spent, you are investing in your investment and it'll continue to keep or praise in value. Yeah. So I just don't know why you're giving your,

I don't know why you two are giving your guys self a deadline that doesn't really need to exist. Why? Because you don't want to like have to mow your lawn that you're at a place that you're not at? Like, so what? Hire someone to mow your lawn? I don't know.

Or again, get a tenant and try it out. I understand that could be work in itself, but there also might be some revenue opportunities for you. Okay. Be particular about your tenants. As someone who doesn't need the money, you don't have to rush to find a tenant and take a risk on the unknown.

You can be really picky, right? Yeah. There's an option. Yes. So I guess I just think maybe you guys have a conversation and understanding that I'm open the idea of us moving into with each other. But it feels rushed and honestly,

like just the smartest decision to feel like I have to rush to sell my house. It feels rushed and honestly, just not, just the smartest decision to feel like I have to rush to sell my house in a market that is slowly becoming a buyer's market with interest rates being what they are. And I guess the timeline we talked about was like, I would move my bed into his house because I have a king-size bed. He's a queen-size bed. Okay.

So, Doc's sleeping on his bed. So, our timeline is to move my bed into his house in November and then sell my house like this time next year. Based off of what? Like why? I don't know. I always like to put a timeline on stuff. I'm a timeline girly. Well, how many times you put on like you why you making timelines that aren't required then then that you're you're forcing yourself to make decisions that might not be needed to make. That sound right? Yeah. Why? Kind of yeah. Like wait you know make decisions make decisions when

you need to make decisions. Don't procrastinate necessary decisions, but like why, I don't understand. If you need the money, fine, great. Maybe you have to make a decision that is not ideal, but you made it because you need the money. But it doesn't sound like you do need the money. Like your big gripe is the inconveniences of owning a home, which whatever, it doesn't seem to bother you now. You like your house. of owning a home, which, whatever.

It doesn't seem to bother you now. You like your house. Yeah. You know? Uh-huh. Yeah, I guess I'm just like, I don't know. So is this your timeline or his timeline or both of your timelines?

I guess it's both of our timelines. You know? Why, and just out of curiosity, why November to move the mattress? Like why not move it now? Why not? Because I'm thinking about Wisconsin weather. Get a fucking Helix mattress.

It's all right, you're from Wisconsin. It's not the end of the world. It's a bigger state than people realize. We can also edit it out, I don't care. Anyways, try code VIALL. I don-L-L, I don't know. Get yourself a Helix mattress. It's only like, think about it, right? You're, part of your decision to sell your house

is over a mattress. Yeah. And then I wear it. I still like my sleep and I like sleeping on my bed. Get a fucking new mattress. They're not that, a Helix, very affordable. Problem solved. Now you have two mattresses. Or move your mattress now. How much, how many nights you sleep at his house already? He stays at my house most often because of my mattress.

I have animals do so. So again, you can move over to his house and keep the house. You can move to his house and get tenants. These make a lot more sense than deciding to sell a house you don't need to sell for a relationship that despite its intensity and your love for each other is still on the newish side. If you get engaged and married, sell the fucking house if you guys decide you don't want to

invest in property. But why are you doing it now for a boyfriend? And it doesn't make sense. The same way not selling your house doesn't mean you're any less in love, selling your house doesn't make you more in love. Okay, I like that. You know? Yeah.

You're forcing yourself to make a decision you don't need to make. Yeah. And you should base your decision to sell your house or not sell your house on a lot of other variables other than should I move in with my new boyfriend? Yep. So, does that help? That helps a lot. Yeah. Do you

think he's going to handle this news well? How do you think he's going to respond to this? I think he's gonna do whatever I want to do. If I don't want to sell my house, he's going to be totally cool with that. He'll still mow my lawn. If I do want to sell my house, then he'll help me move my stuff. So sit him down and be like, listen, obviously love you, still love you, just in case you were wondering. Of course we're being crazy.

And you know what? I love it. I love feeling this way. I love feeling like we're being fucking crazy. We are. And I just want you to know, it's my every intention to choose you in this relationship for hopefully the rest of our lives.

But right now, can we just agree that maybe it's a little unnecessary for us to have conversations about selling my house? Let's have conversations about whether we should move in with each other. Great, I don't care. And if we move in with each other, then we can have conversation

about what makes most sense about the house. But right now, I just wanna keep the house because I wouldn't have, like unless we get married, there's just no reason for me to try to get rid of a really good property that I really like and care about that it's appraising in value. It's not burning a hole in my wallet.

It's not necessarily a great time to sell right now. Why are we making all these very important decisions based off of living like we can live with each other that has nothing to do with this house. So is it can we just can we just I just want to get on the same page with you. Can we just agree that let's keep deciding whether we want to move in with each other down the road. I'm totally down for that. And also, it's okay if we wait, you know, too. Like, it's all okay. Whatever we decide, it's totally up to us. None of it speaks to our love and our future. Our ability to have these conversations, to get on the same page,

actually does. So how this conversation goes matters way more than what you decide to do. matters way more than what you decide to do. That make sense? Yes. Yeah. Because moving in and what mattresses you guys sleep on and if you sell the house, won't ensure the success of this relationship. Making you, forcing you to make decisions

you don't need to make, especially if those decisions are only made to give you guys a false sense of security because you're willing to do these grand things for the sake, you know, like, and that's, that's, that's never a good thing. You don't need to prove to each other how much you love each other by making poor decisions. You know, I like that. Prove to yourself that you love each other by decisions. Prove to yourself that you love each other by choosing each other every day and being willing to sit down and understand each other. And if you feel disconnected, get more connected, talk through things. But paying for an extra mattress or paying for

a mortgage in a house you don't spend a ton of time in or only half your time in is Totally fine, especially if you can afford it. Yeah, totally cool Yeah Well, you feel good. We have a plan. I feel good. Yeah that help me that helps me make my decision Just I don't have to rush into selling my house, especially like you said, it's turning to a buyer's market. So yeah. And if you want to sell your house, sell your house, but make it about your house and stop making, you know, like in, in, in, enjoy the moving fast, but like move, you don't just add, every time you make a decision, do I, does this, do I have to make this decision? And why am I making this? You know, if you don't have to make it, and why am I making this?

If you don't have to make it, don't make it. Okay. Cool. That's cool. Yeah. All right. Other than that, enjoy being in love. Have some fun with it.

I will. Yeah. I think I actually got that, this idea of this like 150 intimacy questions from your podcast like a few months ago you might have had what's their face what's that therapist face on some therapist on and she was talking about this game. Nicole Apera or was it Dr. Dr. Garonik? It was one of them yeah they talked about this game and I was like I need to get that. And like you liked it it was fun is that why you fell in love?

Um, I don't know why I fell in love, or why I did so fast, but it's really helping us build our connection and really work on our communication skills. Well, focus more on building your connection. The reason why- Go ahead, I'm sorry. Okay, sorry.

I think the reason why I fell in love so fast is he's just so easy to communicate with like in my past relationships, I've always been so guarded and so like, you know, like pence around people with him I just felt at ease that I could be my authentic self and it's just been super duper easy and answering these questions even about like Stupid like past trauma or like weird stuff I would never want to tell a boyfriend like he makes it so easy to just say what's on my mind and tell my truth. Awesome that's great well focus more on that and less on these unnecessary deadlines or just like unnecessary deadlines you know you can

admit to yourself that you love a good deadline because I don't know, maybe it's just your planner mentality. It gives you a goal, I don't know, something to shoot for. But when you start setting deadlines that are unnecessary, you start making decisions you don't need to make that you might end up regretting. Yeah, totally.

Let this relationship help you make good decisions, not force you to make foolish decisions. Got it, noted. Okay, all right, good luck. Have some fun with this love. Okay, I will, thanks. Take care. Bye. Bye bye.

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Okay. Why does your mom think you tried to kill her? She's had some sort of mental break. So basically it started when she had some sort of mental break right after she divorced my dad and then it got slowly and progressively worse where she somehow thought like the government was after her and like all the cops were spies and like all this crazy stuff and one time she thought people were following her everywhere and her behind neighbors had just moved in in her comp in our complex and I got a phone call from someone she worked with while she was like in the behind neighbors had just moved in in her complex.

And I got a phone call from someone she worked with while she was like in this crazy, like psychotic break. And he said that she had thought that the people behind her were spies from the government and she had a gun and she was like gonna do something about it. Well, that sounds very scary. Is your mom being diagnosed with any type of mental health condition?

No, so basically what happened was like, when she did that, I called the cops for a welfare check and she thought the cops were spies and she ended up fleeing the country, which was really crazy. But she hasn't been diagnosed with anything because now she lives off the grid and I tried to go to Colorado

because they have a law where only a family member can petition to take your wife away and get you a mental health check and She was already gone man Damn, so now it's so crazy. I was like I hope in the email you guys think I'm not lying because it's so crazy yeah, well, you'd be surprised how many different crazy stories we get, but. And so she just reached back out. Yeah, so. I was trying to talk for basically after she had like her mental break and stuff, I tried

to call the members of her family to kind of like help me give mental break and stuff. I tried to call the members of her family to kind of like help me give her support and stuff. And they ended up telling her that I said that she was like a drug addict and was like super crazy. So then we had a huge falling out and I uninvited her from my wedding. I wrote her a huge letter about it. So I was worried she was gonna try and hurt my dad

and we didn't talk at all. And then like a month and a half ago, she reached back out and we've been having like very casual conversation. Like I'm not trying to get into anything crazy. Okay. And in those casual conversations, she said, like to see you again

or she just kind of kept it very... Like very basic, like, how are you? How's your day? Like, what are you doing today? She sent me like a little care package with like some snacks in it or something. And then just like little minimal stuff and nothing like really deep.

And then I tried to send her something for Mother's Day. And that's when, I think you guys, the screenshots, when then she was like, basically I don't feel comfortable giving you my address because we haven't addressed like our main problems and all that and we need to have a talk about it. And I said that there's no reason to talk about it because I don't think that we're ever going to agree

on what happened because I did what I thought was right at the time. It wasn't like malicious or anything. And she's just not going to agree because she thinks people are really after her. So I don't get the point in rehashing her. So that's kind of my question, like where to go from here. Cause we've had a rocky relationship for years.

Wow. This is a tough one. I mean, this is, listen, I think the short answer is, trust your gut. You know, you're in a tough spot. It's your mom, you know. Obviously you want to have a relationship with your mom despite your challenging relationship. It seems like your mom's, one or two things a relationship with your mom despite your challenging relationship.

It seems like your mom's, one or two things are happening with your mom. Either she is suffering from some type of mental health breakdown, you know, maybe there's some bipolar going on, maybe, I don't know, schizophrenia. I don't know. Or she's just been kind of radicalized at a time where unfortunately people can go online and get radicalized about any one topic. I think you have to trust your instincts that I think I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe there's nothing to do and what you have right now is best-case scenario, right? Yeah. Your mother has made contact with you, right? So there is a relationship, you know? She, so you can correspond, you know?

So there's that. Obviously your mom has some weird boundaries based off of her either weird beliefs or delusion. But maybe, you know, despite it being a sad situation, maybe this is the ideal situation that A, allows you to at least have some kind of relationship with your mom and B, doesn't put you and any other family members in an unsafe situation. Did you actually say that to your mom in response or is that just what you were thinking that you would say? I can pull it up. All right, I got the green stretch. Are you blue or are you black?

You're blue Hi, honey, if you'd like to if you'd like my address we probably need to have a conversation first Let me know if you want to talk. What would you want to talk about you reply? Daphne we should probably have this discussion in a conversation. Let me know when or if you want to talk. Can you at least let me know what you wish to talk about? I'm interested. It's about you calling the Denver police and telling them to take me into custody

and put me on a 72-hour mental health hold. You do not realize how that impacted my life. It's about you calling my family and telling them I'm a drug addict and you may not realize how much damage you did in our relationship. You eliminated any trust that was between us. You reply, I'm interested in rebuilding a relationship but we'll never agree on what happened. I did what I honestly believed was the right thing at the time, whether you believe that or not.

Do you think that is something we could ever have a resolution on based on both of our feelings? I love you, mom. I really do." She writes, I think this needs to be a conversation over the phone or in person. All right. Well, I texted her from Mother saying she never responded. So, so. Okay, this isn't rhetorical, but this is an actual question. What's the harm in having this phone conversation with her, even if she does communicate everything you say she's going to? Normally, so my mom has a control issue

where she doesn't let me say no to anything. I'm not allowed to set up any boundaries at all. So this was me trying to establish a boundary and see if she would respect it. But at the same time, when I get her on the phone, she tells me, like she screams at me and she tells me like, I'm so selfish. Like I ruined her life. I'm just like a selfish and grateful little person. And I can't believe that, like she can't. I'm just a selfish, ungrateful little person and I can't believe that she can't believe

I would do that to her. And it's just basically just a bashing the whole time. It's not a conversation, it never has been. Okay, well I don't fault you for assuming that would be more of the same. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, that's a totally valid response. I'm assuming just deep down you just know that's... So you're saying, if you said, hey mom, I just want

to preface this by saying, I'm happy to have this conversation. I don't hear you out, but I'm not anticipating my feelings changing, but if you wanna have this conversation over the phone, I'm willing to have it. Yeah, I mean, I could try it. I just haven't really thought about it really because I just don't see any point where we're ever going to get to a place

where we're gonna have any resolution on it. And I think the only way to move past it is just to say both of our feelings differ. It was a horrible event for both of us. And just trying to move past it. And it's not like I did it to hurt her or anything. Like I did it to help her, for her.

It was a horribly traumatic thing to do also. Like to call the police on my mom because I was thinking she was gonna kill her neighbors. Like it wasn't like I was having fun with it or anything. Yeah, yeah, no it's a tough situation. Yeah I mean I, you know your mom, I don't know your mom. If you feel like having a phone conversation with her is pointless or potential further damaging then you got gotta trust your gut. Yeah. If you think that having a phone conversation

doesn't put you in any greater risks, and then if you think you are capable, and this is the big one, of maintaining and forcing your boundary during this conversation, which is not allowing your mom to speak to you a certain way or raising her voice or accusing you of stuff. And you could say, Hey mom, when you get on the phone and be like, before we start, I'm hoping to hear you out, but I just want you to let you know, it's really important that

we this is a conversation and neither of us and just include both of you in this. So she doesn't feel like she's getting attacked, but like neither of us raise just include both of you in this so she doesn't feel like she's getting attacked but like neither of us raise our voices or say things you know or name call or anything like that if that does happen I just know like I'm gonna I'll end this conversation and can you hold yourself to you know hanging up I guess if it goes the way you think it could go. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. I didn't really think about kind of setting the stage for it like that. Just going to be a really hard conversation to have to, but I mean, I

really want a relationship with her. I don't want to not have a relationship with my mom. Exactly. So I guess the big question is, is what risk are you in? You have to assess that. Um, it doesn't sound like a in? You have to assess that. Doesn't sound like a ton. You wanna have a relationship with your mom. So then it comes down to, yeah,

you have a pretty good guess how it probably will go, how it might go, yada, yada, yada, not productive. But if you have nothing really to lose, and it doesn't sound like you do when it comes to your relationship with your mom, why not just have the conversation and see if you might be surprised? You know, maybe, you know, she still might say, Hey, listen, that really affected me. And you could say, Mom, I don't, I, I'm, you, what you need to try to do. And this is such the hard part in any situation like this is you need to try to do, and this is such the hard part in any situation like this, is you need to try to acknowledge her feelings and make her feel like

you're empathizing with her without agreeing with her. Yeah. And people have a hard time doing both. You know, you feel like you, you're, you can't empathize with them or acknowledge their feelings out of fear of them thinking you agree with them or you conceding. You know, so when she says her thing, it's like, well, I, you know, I had a mood or different state and you made me feel this and you did this to me. Your response could be like, mom, I'm really sorry that happened. That obviously must have been very hard. I can only imagine what it might feel like

to feel like you're stuck living in this place. And I'm really sorry you're dealing with that. You can say all those things because regardless of how she got there, she is there. That is what your mom is dealing with. And maybe she has only herself to blame, but you can still empathize with what she's going through. And you can acknowledge her pain and her suffering by just saying, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I can only imagine how hard it is. That must be difficult, etc. etc. So you can say that and I encourage you to say something like that just to make her feel like she's not alone

because she probably feels that way. You can still say despite all that mom well as difficult but I I have strong feelings as to why I made the choices I did you know and you can decide for yourself at that point whether it's worth pointing out that you're concerned for your mom's mental health or call her out on her beliefs. Or you can just choose not to. Your option could be like, mom, like I said before, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I do stand by the reasons I made the decisions. I don't want wanna argue with you

about what you believe in versus what I believe in, because it does seem like we're very far apart there. But I guess what I'm curious about, Mom, is is there a world where we can have some kind of relationship despite our differences? And even if that relationship, Mom, is talking to you on the phone about what you're up to

and I'm up to, I want to have some kind of relationship with you mom because I love you. And I want to respect, even though I don't agree with how you're going about things, I can't change your mind and I have to respect your decisions, but I still want to have a relationship with you. And it's kind of finding that middle ground. Is that making sense? Yeah, I think that's a really good idea. I never thought about doing it that way to where she still feels like I'm empathizing with her,

but I can also disagree with her at the same time. Yeah, it really comes down to setting again, we were like repeated over and over and I keep referring to back to Vanderpump reunion part three, but that it was a masterclass of Ariana knowing what her boundaries were and feeling confident in those boundaries. So much so that she was able to communicate it to her friends in a very calm and empathetic way in a way that still acknowledged her friend Sheena and her

kind of friend Lala's feelings by saying, you are valid for your feelings. I don't agree with them, but I understand why you might feel the way you do. Nevertheless, I have to still enforce this boundary. I hope that you can respect it even if you don't agree with it, but I still want to maintain a friendship with you. I just need you to get on board with the fact that this is how I'm going to operate. Don't need you again to like it." Right? And she did that very calmly. And that's why Ariana can say, I want to be friends with you because I can enforce this boundary all day long. No skin off my back. It's

very easy for me to enforce. It doesn't take a lot of emotional energy. I'm very confident in my decision. I wish you would get on board, but it's okay if you don't because that's your choice. That's your journey. So you just got to get it to a place where you can know what your boundaries are with mom, be confident in those decisions, give her the opportunity to have a conversation. If she goes off the handle, goes back to manic mom, starts raising her voice and calling you names and saying things that only just like hurt you, you can say, mom, I'm gonna hang up now because unfortunately this conversation has gone to a place of just like pain and hurt words and I didn't,

that's not why I called. So that's an option too. That's an option. And then assuming it doesn't go to manic mom mode, right? And yet you just disagree on things. You can acknowledge her feelings. You can validate her feelings and say, but I do disagree. And that's okay, mom.

We don't have to agree because I still want a relationship even though we have disagreements. And if you're okay with that, I would love to, maybe our relationship is just having a weekly phone conversation or an occasional check-in. You know, I want you to be comfortable with this relationship, mom.

So whatever you're comfortable with, I'm on board with, but I want a relationship whatever whatever however that well whatever that is you put the ball on her you know that's something to work with I can try it yeah I mean listen she might she might prove you right you know but yeah what heart like at least you tried. It was a phone call, you know? Yeah. No big deal, you know? Nothing's changed. You just, you know that mom's still struggling

with her mental health or you're just on the same page, but you know, and that's where you just have that empathy for mom. Obviously your mom's hurt. She's either, she's either been brainwashed or she's sick. I feel a little bit better about it now. I had a lot of trouble with our conversations when I was younger because I didn't have those

boundaries yet. She was still my mom and those things are really raw. But now I'm older, I have my own family, I have better boundaries. So I think it would be worth a try because I think if I didn't try, I would regret it. Yeah. I'd like to try everything that I can before. There's just, that's it. And you can always keep trying.

And your ability to keep trying and continue to be disappointed has everything to do with your ability to manage your mental health and reinforce those boundaries and be confident in your decisions and your support system that decisions and you know your support system that's around you making sure that's strong because listen if you call mom and it doesn't even if it goes the way you expect it you're gonna be sad

about it right so that's gonna affect you and that's okay and you know I don't know who you talked to about it but talk to someone maybe it's a therapist maybe it's dad maybe are you married partner dad, maybe, are you married partner, you got a partner? I am married. You're married, maybe it's your husband. And be sad about it, right? But like you said, at least you tried. Go into that conversation being confident what those boundaries are,

and be willing to enforce them calmly. It's like, hey, again, if she raises her voice, you don't raise it back, you just say, Mom, I can't do this. So I need you to not yell at me, I need you to not name call, and we can continue this conversation. If not, I'm gonna have to hang up.

See what, and then wait five seconds and see what happens. So you're in total control of this, and that's what you have to remember. If your mom is as predictable as you think she is, then you're in control. So you can get through this and like you said, you kind of have nothing to lose. And then you can have this disappointing conversation if it goes the way you expect it to, but it doesn't mean in a year you can try again. And like you said, if nothing else,

all you can do is just have a reminder that mom's still struggling. Yeah, it just hurts a lot more when it's your mom. Yeah, I mean, listen, I'm sorry you're going through this, but you can have the peace of mind that you haven't given up on her. Yeah, because my parents are getting older and I freak out about that a little bit sometimes. Yeah, that's understandable

Passing us feeling this. Yeah, so don't give up on her But you again giving up on someone and setting up very it's funny How similar the past two calls are even though they're entirely different, right? So like you setting a boundary and Communicating that with mom and your mom choosing not to respect that boundary is your mom's choice. You're giving her that choice. You deciding to cut mom off because of how she's acting is your choice.

And that's like a punishment of mom. And if it's your choice, you're gonna struggle with that choice. You're gonna be like, why am I cutting my mom off? Why did I do this? But you're gonna struggle with that choice. You're gonna be like, why am I cutting my mom off? Why did I do this? But you're giving your mom every opportunity to have a relationship with you. As long as she's willing to get on board

with respecting most of your boundaries. Yeah, and every time I've talked to a therapist about it, I've had a few and they're always like, I don't understand, you're so well adjusted. I can't believe your mom's crazy. And that's not really helpful. Yeah, how is that helpful? I don't know.

But I think this is helpful because I haven't thought about just kind of meeting in the middle on the phone call. I was just absolutely convinced there was no way I was gonna do it and that was just it. But I think that's a good idea, just to set some ground rules too. Yeah, and those ground rules are with yourself really. Again, boundaries are for yourself.

You communicate those boundaries to the people who want respect those boundaries, but they really are about yourself. So can you enforce them when you get on the phone with mom? Yeah. And give yourself permission to empathize with your mom and validate her feelings. You can do that without conceding that you agree with her.

Yeah, that's true. That's a good idea too. I think that'll help a lot. And she would freak out. She knew about the podcast, let me tell ya. Well, don't tell her. Is this helpful? Yeah, it's helpful a lot.

I think I'll try it for sure. Maybe right after this and just to get it over with. So I'm not thinking about it the whole time, but I think that's a really good idea and I think it will help us move towards a place where we can at least have some dialogue. Yeah. So maybe your next message is, mom, I've been thinking about it, but I'm open to have this conversation if you're still willing to have it. My feelings haven't really changed and you say something like this, I know it's important for you to have a conversation about this and it's

important for me to have a relationship with you. So let me know when you're ready. And then when you get on the phone you say mom I'm glad we were able to speak but I do want to make sure that like And then when you get on the phone, you say, mom, I'm glad we were able to speak, but I do wanna make sure that like, this is a conversation and both of us, like don't go, don't revert back to old habits of raising our voices at one another. And I'm really hoping to at least find a path

for us to continue a conversation. That's your goal, right? Her goal is to, you know, explain her actions and get her to believe you. Your goal is to have a conversation. That's your goal, right? Her goal is to explain her actions and get her to believe you. Your goal is to have a relationship. So keep repeating that goal with your mom. And then let her uninterrupted vent, speak her peace. And if it ends up being the same kind of crazy stuff

at the end, you say, mom, again, I'm really sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can only imagine how hard it is, I'm really sorry you had to go through this, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I can only imagine how hard it is, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry for what, if what I did hurt your feelings, I acknowledge all that. But I do stand by my reasons for the choice

and I don't see eye to eye to you on this matter and I'm okay with accepting that. I hope that you are. I know you want me to see your side, but I don't and I hope that's okay. But how can we still have a relationship, even if it is just us talking on the phone for once in a while?

And listen, I don't know what she's gonna say to that. But even if she rejects it at first, you're at least giving her a chance to chew on it, reconsider, come back. And the more maturity you show, the better. She's definitely going to reject it at first. For sure. Well, at least you know going in.

When you lead with love, you're not giving her ammunition. All she can do is reject it. You just need to go in there knowing that you're not going to... The last thing you want is to debate with her, argue with her. You're not here to do that. So let her vent, let her speak her piece, let her say what she wants to say uninterrupted, and then empathize afterwards. Yeah. And assuming you still... The last thing I want to do is damage it more. Yeah. Well, that's partly on her, but. And assuming you still don't- I think the last thing I wanna do is damage it more. Yeah.

Well, that's partly on her, but like, yeah, just don't take the bait. No, I'm a little hot-headed, that's kinda hard, but I'll try, I think it's a good idea. Well, that part's up to you, you gotta- Ha ha. Fighting fighter with fire is not the recipe here. Because again, I don't know what your mom's going through,

clearly something, you know what I'm saying? Like either a mental health crisis of some kind or I don't know, but she's going through something, right? And you can feel bad. You can empathize with your mom, right? Like clearly she doesn't want this type of life. I don't know why she's made these decisions, but she is struggling. So you can empathize with that and you can forgive her for that. And you forgiving her for that is allowing you to not like kind of take her all that seriously. And I mean that in the sense that you're like, she knows she's struggling.

So you arguing with someone who clearly is speaking from a place of either conspiracy or delusion is you validating their delusion or their conspiracies. It's not, you know, just let them talk, let them say what they wanna say, you know? And then empathize that they are alone in their feelings and thoughts, and then try to reconnect

and then try to find a middle ground by saying, hey, agree to disagree, it's okay, but I still want my mom. Yeah. I think forgiving her would be harder than the phone call. Why? I mean, is it so hard to believe that your mom's making choices that she isn't having control over? I mean, I would never try and kill her

and she just like up and decided she just doesn't love me anymore, that's how it feels. No, I would never do that. Yeah, but she does. I mean, clearly your mom loves you. Your mom's struggling. She's going through whatever she's going through. She's still reached out. She, you know, you ever heard the saying, you know, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Your mom clearly isn't indifferent. The moment your mom starts, stops caring about you and stop reaching out, then you can have thoughts and feelings about your mom not loving you. But your mom's hurting. She's struggling. She, you know, I don't know what it's like to be crazy, but I'm guessing

it has some version of like, she thinks everyone's against her, even her own daughter, you know, the fact that she believes this crazy shit, you know, and it has nothing to do with thinking that you're capable of it. Like, she doesn't even know your neighbors and she thought they were going to kill her too. You know, she's not okay. She's sick. You know, so you got to be able to, you know, like would you... Would you blame someone who, you know, contracted a disease, you know, that wasn't their fault? No. You know, so why disease, you know, that wasn't their fault?

No. You know, so why can't you forgive your mom for, you know, coming down with this sickness in her head? It's not. Yeah, I guess looking at it that way will help too. Yeah. This is not about you versus her, you know, and she is not battling with you in her brain.

She is battling with herself and all her paranoias and fears. So. That's a good point. I think framing it that way will make it a lot easier. Because out of everything, of course, like I'm also mad, right? She just wishes she had you by her side and she doesn't.

And rightfully so, because that would be you cosigning crazy. But the idea that she doesn't love you, you because that would you that would you be you cosigning crazy but the idea that she doesn't love you you gotta get you gotta remove that from your head because that's even from where I sit here now that's that doesn't even make sense yeah all right yeah you gotta forgive her and empathize with her sickness your mom's sick yeah I guess that's true. That's nice a little reframing helps a lot. That's why I'm here All right, do you think you can do this? Yeah, I'm gonna listen to it back and then type of the text zone and then give her a phone call. All right Yeah, there's no rush, right? You know

in the meantime Nothing stopping you from sending a text to mom saying hey I know we're not speaking at the moment, but I love you and I miss you and I hope you're okay. You can send that every day and you can mean it. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll do that. You don't have to send it every day, but you can. And you know what I'm saying? Like maybe do it once a week. But the point is you can still reach out to mom to say you love her.

You don't have to agree with her. You don't have to like her, but you can still love her. She won't feel so alone. Like she't have to agree with her. You don't have to like her, but you can still love her. And then she won't feel so alone, like she's being hunted throughout the country. Cause that's gotta be scary if you think it's real. Yeah, terrifying, terrifying. It's probably incredibly terrifying to be in her head. All right. Well, good luck.

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I am 26. How can I help JoJo? My wedding officiant RSVP'd no. Okay, all right. Well, how did that happen? A little bit of backstory. So my wedding officiant is actually my cousin. I think a lot of people would describe her as more than a cousin.

We're very sister-like. We're the same age. We grew up together. We lived together at one point. Just very close. Very close. Yeah. Yes.

So we both just recently got engaged. So we're in the process of planning our weddings. Me and my partner knew that we wanted to do a destination wedding. It's something we've been talking about for a really long time. And so when I was looking at my bridal party options, I was kind of evaluating everybody that I wanted to be in my party. And since we're doing a destination wedding, I wanted whoever was officiating the wedding to be someone who was really important to us. And I felt like she, I'll call her Haley, I felt like Haley really knew our relationship better than anybody else. And so we asked her to officiate our wedding. I gave her a kind of like a bridal or a bachelorette gift like I gave everybody else in my wedding party. She said yes. And then a few

days later after I gave her the gift and she said yes, she reached out to me and was like, I gave her the gift and she said yes. She reached out to me and was like, so I only budgeted X amount to travel for your wedding. If you would like me to go, you need to pay the remainder. Otherwise I'm not going. Okay. So yeah. And I'm assuming you said I don't have the money for that. Yeah. So what I guess where I'm confused and a little frustrated is we had previously had conversations about the budget and her affording the wedding.

She had kind of mentioned it before, before she said yes. And I had very clearly explained to her like, you know, we were not planning to pay for everybody in the bridal party or our guests to go. But I was willing to like work with her on figuring out how to make the trip cheaper. There were a couple options at hand. And so I made it very clear that, you know, we weren't going to be able to like pay for her to go. But what's what's making the trip cheaper mean?

So we are using a travel agent. And initially when the travel agent gave her the quote, he booked direct flights. He did all of these different things when booking the trip. And so I was like, well, maybe we can get you someone to room with you down there where we're staying. We can see if we can get you maybe not a direct flight to try to offset some of the costs.

OK. That's not going to help all that much. In some cases, direct flights with stops are more expensive than direct flights. I don't understand airplane pricing. But that's definitely not a game changer. Sharing in the room, isn't she engaged? She's engaged, married? Yes, correct. So, and her partner's not coming? So, yeah, that was part of it. She, And her partner's not coming? So yeah, that was part of it.

She, I didn't know that. We have obviously, this wasn't a big surprise. We've talked about doing a destination wedding for a really long time. And so everybody kind of knew that was our plan. And then after we like announced it, she said that her partner was not going to come in trying to save a little bit of money. So that was one piece of it. And just to put it out there, cause it does matter.

What is your perception of her financial situation? My perception of her and her partner combined is that this shouldn't really be an issue. Based off of what? So for example, since we're doing a destination wedding, it was more expensive and more difficult to get a marriage license in the country that we're getting married. So we actually decided to officially get married here just to save on a little bit of money.

Pretty common too. And so she ended up being a witness to us actually getting married. And on the day of our wedding, we went out to brunch afterwards with her and our other witness. And she sat at the table and bragged at how her fiance had this massive budget

for her engagement ring. And he, quote, blew it up. This is your friend, your cousin. Correct. Was bragging about her engagement ring. Correct. Gotcha. And on other situations, you know, I've just, conversations around her and her partner

and their money has just kind of been tossed around. So I feel like. Okay, so they don't talk as if they're pinching pennies. Correct. Gotcha, okay. So what can I help you out with and what are you, like where are you at, what decisions have you made, and I guess what are you having a hard time deciding on?

Yeah, so when we decided we were gonna do a destination, we both agreed that we knew we were making this decision that was gonna financially affect other people. And so if some of the people we invited said that they couldn't come, the day is about us, not about them. We just kinda had to get over it. Of course, maybe I was a little naive,

but when I was thinking of that, I did not anticipate this individual to, for it to be an absolute no. Do you know what I mean? So I guess I'm struggling with either whether or not I just need to get over it and stick to our thought process of we knew some people weren't gonna be able to come and it is what it is and our day is about us, so we need to make it about us,

or if I should open the conversation again with her and try to figure out if there's a way we can come to an agreement on her going, if I should just pay for her to go. Yeah. Well, how important is this relationship to you today? Very, very important. I truly like can't imagine our wedding day without her. That's why I asked her to be our aficion.

I guess I just felt like there was a little bit of whiplash when we had had conversations about the price of the trip. And then she says yes to going to my gift that I gave her. She accepted it, says, yes, I'll be there. And then turned around two days later and is like, just kidding, I can't do it. What would it cost her?

Just curious. So total trip is just over $1,500. And she told me that she budgeted $750. So if I want her to go, she needs to, I need to pay the remaining $750. But in what, she budgeted $750. She's got it budgeted. So now I hear the nerve there.

Listen, it just comes down to, I guess, really you kind of figuring out what matters to you most, you know, today. And I want you to think about that. Like what matters to you today? You mentioned, you know, she's been in my life. She's like my sister, yada, yada, we're very close. Is that how you, are you just as close?

Or when you say that, is it more based off of your history? Is the idea of being close with her more real than you two actually being close? Has she, as she has matured into a woman and you've known her since a girl, like does she continue to have the qualities that you have or what, like what do you admire about her as a friend? I just ask that because like, when you tell me,

I don't know this person, right? So like to me, hearing your side of the story, it sounds like this is a person who, again, your words only has, lacks a little bit of a self-awareness, right? Maybe, and self-awareness can come from self-centeredness. She's bragging about her ring size to her friends and telling you that she's only budgeted $750

for your wedding who you asked to stand up in her wedding. I'm not here to to tell people how to value money but nowadays taking any kind of trip is generally more than $750. If you would have been like, it's $4,000. I'd have been like, I don't know, man, that's a lot of money for anyone to spend on a trip. $1,500, again, that's still not nothing, but it's more manageable,

especially for someone who has no problem talking about going for it, as she said, on the engagement ring, which is a total vanity type of, it's not necessarily, it's an investment in your love, I guess, but it's not an investment, no one plans on reselling an engagement ring, so whatever value it holds, it's not an investment type of thing, so to spend money on engagement ring

is a signal of disposable income, so to speak, right? And so for her to say she's only spent at 750, she sounds to me a little self-centered and someone who at least today as it stands, isn't prioritizing her relationship with you. Now that's just how it comes across. I don't know how you feel about it. I don't know about like it doesn't seem that productive for you to try to convince someone to come to your wedding and B it

doesn't seem that productive for try to convince the person to marry you to be at your wedding. I understand that you had a plan that she was going to do it but plans do change. Now I think it would be, again, I don't know how important this friendship is to you. You say very important, you know, or relationship. If it's super important to you, I would definitely communicate your feelings on this topic. Not necessarily to have her at your wedding. That's for her to decide, you know?

And I'm guessing you don't wanna have to convince her to do decide, you know? And I'm guessing you don't want to have to convince her to do it, you know? Yeah. The fact that she's budgeted $750 to your wedding is, I take as a bigot of a fuck you. I don't know how you take it. And again, it's all relative in terms of financial situations,

but I am taking the information of you saying she went for it for the engagement ring, but can't afford $750 more for someone that is one of her closest relationships in her life, allegedly. And you're right. Listen, when Nellie and I planned our wedding in Savannah, Georgia, it's not the most convenient

destination for a lot of people. There's not a lot of direct flights. It's not a lot of flights to Savannah you know, it's not a lot of flights to Savannah already are not the most, they're not the cheapest, right? And then, you know, there's hotels and things like that. So I didn't spend a lot of energy. We didn't spend any energy for the people who couldn't come. And a handful of people couldn't come and we understood why.

And like, we didn't sit there and be like, well, did they, could they really not afford it? Why aren't they? Listen, we just, whoever RSVP'd was our focus. And thankfully we didn't run into what we ran into with you. But if we did, I would have moved on pretty quickly. So it's, you know what I'm saying? So I guess, I think mentally you need to move on from her marrying you.

That being said, if this relationship is really as meaningful as you say it is, then it makes sense for you to talk to her about it. And how, you know, I would, I think it would be fair to just say, Hey, listen, obviously I'm really sad you're not going to our wedding. I can't afford to pay for it. And if I'm just being totally honest with you, and I've already just accepted that you're not going to marry us, which is a bummer, but I don't wanna have to convince you to do that.

And I don't wanna have to pay for you to be there on my wedding. I just don't, like, I don't know, call it the principle of it, call it what you want. Like, I just, you know, it just feels kinda icky. That being said, like, I can't help, but like, listen, I'm not here to tell you how you can spend your money or, also there's something to be help but like, listen, I'm not here to tell you how you can spend your money or also there's something

to be said about like, it's all, you know, afford is a very relative term. A lot of times people can't afford things because they spend too much money on other things. So maybe the fact that she went for it. She- Yeah, I also, so like I said, when we were engaged and you know, she knew that we were gonna do

a destination wedding, but we were figuring out those details. Yeah. Like I said, she we were engaged and she knew that we were going to do a destination wedding, but we were figuring out those details. Like I said, she had expressed to me, her partner's not going because they're trying to save money. They're planning for their own wedding. All of that I understand. And when we had those conversations, when I was like, we'll figure out how to make this work.

I'm not going to pay for you, but we'll figure it out. I have even like gone as far to tell her and my other like the other members of my bridal party. Like, I know our destination wedding is is expecting a lot of people in terms of financially, like they're all paying for a vacation, essentially. And so as a result, I do not expect anybody to throw me a bachelorette party. What I would like is to do something

the day before the wedding in this country at the resort to save everybody money. Like I've been a maid of honor, I've thrown bachelorette parties. They can easily be a thousand dollars. And so I was like, you know what? We'll save that money. I don't even want you to throw me one.

We'll do something the day before at the resort. That's very reasonable and nice of you. I guess, listen, it just comes down to this, right? It just comes down to the fact that your friend, your cousin can say whatever she wants about why she's not coming. But for $750, she has chosen not to accept your request to marry you.

And I'm not saying she doesn't love you. I'm not saying she doesn't refer to you as a best friend. I'm not saying you're not friends. But the facts remain that something else or other things were more important to her than to spend $750 to be there and marry you at your wedding. Those are just facts, right? She's just not coming.

She literally is saying that. She can't argue that other things are our priority. The people who didn't make it to our wedding, I didn't sit there and go through this whole mental exercise and be like, why aren't they coming? But the facts were, and maybe they had a lot of justifiable reasons, but like it just wasn't as a big of a priority

to come to our wedding, is it was to, I don't know, do whatever it is they did outside of being at our wedding, which is totally fine and okay with us, you know? But at the same time, like you kind of just, you take a mental inventory, right? Who was there? Who was not there?

I don't know, like you just kind of do, right? And I think sometimes we have to be careful about the relationships, especially in adulthood. You want to do things out of generosity. You want to do things expecting nothing in return. That's just a general, like good mindset to have in life. But you also don't want to have relationships where you're giving more than you're receiving, you know? Yeah. Where it feels one-sided. Where a lot of the talk about prioritizing each other is one-sided, you know,

it's all one-sided, right? And that's not necessarily something we should do to like have these big conversations with our friends, but like it's just good, it's a good check into ourselves to be like, well, you know, listen, I don't, again, you hear me, I preach all of this, our energy is not limited. It's, our energy is limited. It's not infinite.

Like how should we spend our energy, right? I just, I'm very, I go about my life constantly asking myself how my energy is best served, you know, and my mental energy. I think I'm rambling a little bit here, but I just don't think it's very productive for you to try to kind of figure this out. There's nothing really to figure out.

You just need to decide, do you really want her at your wedding or not? You know, if I were you, I would move on to someone else because I don't wanna convince someone to be at my wedding. I don't wanna have to pay for it. And I, to me, and I'm not talking about my financial situation, but like, you know,

$750, you know, to be the presider at your marriage and marrying you, I don't think is that big of an ask. And she's just not willing to do it. And that's just a fact. And I would just find someone who is. Yeah. You can tell her how you feel about it. I don't know how it's gonna go.

I don't know what's gonna change though either. So there is that. But you could just say, listen, I can't help but be bummed that like for $750, you chose not to be at my wedding. Now she can come back and be like, I have my wedding to pay for too. Like why, you know, like you could pay for- Yeah. And that was definitely like thrown in my face a little bit. She also has another really good friend who is not yet engaged. And she also threw in my face, well, this person might be getting married next year. So I also need to budget for their events. And I was like, but she's not even engaged yet. So I don't understand why we're planning on- To me, this sounds like a person who's not

that interested in making you a priority. And that might change. I know that's hard to hear, but her actions, it's just sad. It does not worth 750 bucks to her. I don't know what 750 bucks means to her. I don't know what it means to you. But like, it's not life-changing money, you know?

This is your wedding. You are, in theory theory asking someone very, in a world where we're asking a lot of our friends and loved ones to marry us, we're like gone are the days where we're asking our priests and pastors. It is a very honorary position. Our dear friends Charlene and Andy married us

and we had our reasons for asking them. And they were honored. And they probably incurred some extra costs as a result of us asking them to do this for us. But like, they were capable, they were able to do it, and they did it and no questions asked, right? And we very much appreciate that. It does not, and it wasn't lost on us,

all the people who came to our wedding, and the time and expense that it took, you know? And I guess for those who didn't come, it's just, it's totally fine. We didn't let it affect our feelings of the wedding. I just, yeah, I don't know. I don't know if I'm being helpful here. I feel like I'm not being as concise as I want to be, but I think at the end of the day, it's just the fact is you want worth 750 bucks. The fact is you weren't worth 750 bucks. And I'm willing to, I don't know what your friends spend money on, but 750 bucks, you know,

all of a sudden in the next six months, if you hang out with her on any type of regular basis, she might buy $750 worth of clothes. I don't know. Listen, I don't know how you value our friendships. If it was to me, if it was the difference between me presiding at my friend's wedding, and I knew that it was very meaningful

for them to ask me to marry them, if I had to give up buying three pairs of jeans, I would. Yeah, I mean, everything you're saying is definitely like, people around me have said similar things and given similar advice, but they also all only know my side of the story. And so I really was just like, what's her side? I mean, her side is straight from the text that I can't force her to spend the additional $750 that she has a wedding to plan for in the future as well and afford. And so if I want her to go, then that's what it is. And that's, I

don't know. So I guess- I mean, her story is, you know, she has set this, you know, to use the language of the day, she set a boundary with herself that she's only willing to spend $750 on going to your wedding. She has decided to do that. She is budgeted for that. You know, I guess budgeting is in, you know, in some terms a boundary, right?

Hey, you know, budgeting implies that I have more, but I'm telling myself this is, I only have this amount for this thing because I, again again have other expenses. So even though I have $750 in the bank, I'm not gonna spend $750 on this one thing because I have other, you know what, right? And she is holding a hard line to this boundary slash budget

that she set, you know? Nevertheless, it is a choice she made. She didn't have to make, she didn't have to set or enforce that boundary. It's not that big of a priority to her. I think you have to, I think it's a little, you know, for you it's harder to hear because she doesn't wanna do it.

I think she is selling it as can't, but in reality she doesn't want to. And that's totally fine, but as someone who you thought you were close enough to ask to marry you, I can understand why that hurts your feelings and you have the right to have your feelings hurt. And what you do with those hurt feelings

is entirely up to you. But I guess my advice to you is, I would accept the reality that you're in right now to then now make the decision on who marries you. Because I feel like she has kind of already tainted whatever feeling you were hoped to have from her marrying you by how she's gone about handling this. Unless she on her own calls you up in the next two weeks or whatever. When do you get married?

It's the end of this next March. End of this next? It's like nine months away. Nine months away. So you got some time. You don't have to rush to find another presider. I would start thinking about other people you'd want. Also, I will say, I don't know, how did you make this decision about who would marry you?

We just were really looking over, like this is a small wedding. We invited like 25 people. Yeah. And so we were just kind of looking at the people who were there. We knew we didn't want just like a random person from the resort to do it. Sure. And so we were just looking at the people and she just, she has been a huge part of my relationship with my partner. She like, we just talk all the time.

We communicate, she's very close with him. More so like, than my other friends, like my partner's very close. You know, we're very close with all of our friends, but they are, like they FaceTime each other on their own if I'm not around. So it just, it's a closer relationship and dynamic than some of the other people who are going.

So we just felt like she was the right fit. How did you consider at all her public speaking skills? I did. I do think she's a very confident human being. And so I was like, I do think she could really like. Okay, all right. Well, that's good. The crowd.

Great. Yeah. Cause that was definitely part of our decision. I mean, we had very personal reasons for why we asked Charlene and Andy, but we also knew they would crush it. We also know they were very good at presiding over, and that matters.

I think you want someone who has some meaning behind it, for sure, but when you look to decide who else can marry you, like maybe this is a, I guess what I'm saying, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, because like maybe you can find someone who has a balance of knowing you and your fiance well and being a meaningful person

and someone who can really crush it. That's a big part of the ceremony, the actual wedding, and you want it to be not dragged out and long. You don't want it to be so short that it was a blink of an eye. You want them to entertain the audience, but you want it to be sentimental. That's not easy for anyone to do.

And you're asking people who don't do this on a regular basis to perform. Like it's a performance at your wedding, it's a job. So you want someone's heart in this. You want someone who really is committed to doing a good job. She's not even committed to spending $750 to be there. How committed do you think she is

to be like really prepared? Charlene and Andy, they really prepared. Like they got on the phone with us multiple times to ask us questions, what our preferences were, the style that we wanted. They made phone calls to family members and friends to get like, you know, more intimate information. They rehearsed, they practiced, they fucking crushed it.

And I knew they would do this, right? Because I knew they understood the meaning of what we were asking of them. And, you know, well, they're also like, in some ways, professional performers. So we had that going for us. But someone who's not spending $750 to get to your wedding sure doesn't sound like they're really going to put in the time. It sounds like she might just like wing it and write a few notes down the night before your wedding. And I'm sure she'll figure it out being her charming self. But like I'm just saying, maybe there's someone more equipped to do the ceremony.

And sure, it's not gonna be your cousin slash sister slash best friend your whole life, but who gives a shit. What you really want is it to be an awesome, memorable ceremony. And you want to be connected with your husband. And you want it to be a ceremony that, you know, has a few laughs. And they had said some nice moments. And, you know, and it had a nice flow. And she doesn't sound like someone who's going to put in the time.

Yeah. Do you think it's worth having any kind of conversation with her around this or should I just let it go? My best friend who also listens to your show, she suggested, she was like, I think you should just set a boundary with her and text her and say, I really hope you can come. I would love for you to be there. But like, I don't want to hear any more about it other than if you're coming or if you're not coming. That's it, there's no more discussions about money.

Is it still being discussed? Not really, no. Let me ask you a question, I feel like I know the answer, but if you really believe she couldn't afford it, I'm guessing you would pay the $750. Probably. And in your heart, you know that she can afford it, but she's choosing not to.

And it feels a little icky to you. I think in my heart, I think she, to your earlier point, like we have been close our whole lives, our relationship has ebb and flowed, right? Like there are times in our lives where we're super, super close. We're talking to every single day, FaceTiming every day. There are times where our lives where we're super, super close. We're talking every single day, FaceTiming every day. There are times where we're not.

And I definitely feel like in this moment, I mean, there's a pattern I do think of her choosing other people over me, but I do think in this moment, she is just like sticking to her guns and like sticking it to me and just being like, you pay it or I don't go. That's fine, but it's your wedding.

And what I mean, hopefully you only get married once, and so the rest of your relationship with her, I don't know why she's dying on this hill. I mean, people die on weird hills all the time. They're like, I'm just gonna put my foot in the ground. But bad news for her, if I were talking to her, if she were calling it, I mean, I don't really, you know, like I don't really have the money. I mean, I guess I could afford it,

but it just seems like a lot of money. And honestly, some people just kind of have the mindset of that, like destination weddings are annoying. And it's just like kind of rude to expect people to spend money on your wedding. And maybe she's one of those people I don't fucking know. But people have strong opinions about this type of stuff, right?

And so if she was calling, I would have been like, listen, if you plan on having, and let's say when she's calling, she's like, I really love her, we've been friends our whole life. Yeah, we've had our ups and downs, but I don't see this person ever not being a close friend slash she is my cousin. The rest of your relationship, you're gonna know

that she declined to marry you over $750. And you are always going to feel a certain way about that, about her, and you'll have the right to. And I don't know what her financial situation is going to be going forward, but if this is someone who has any kind of ambitions professionally, you know, like, hey, you know, her and her fiancé, like, hope to be a power couple and make a lot of money and continue to like build on the ring they went forward on, you know, $750 like might feel like less and less like, yeah, remember that time you didn't want to marry me over $750?

Like, that's gonna be like something that she will always have to address. And you will always be on the right side of that argument, especially if her financial situation only improves over time. You know, that's on, you know, we can't predict the future in that regard, but you know, and I don't know like, you know, if you guys, you and your group of friends are like upper middle class or what, or I don't, you know what I'm saying?

Like I don't, I don't know your financial situation. But I'm getting the feeling that $750, while a decent amount of money, my guess is she'll probably spend that amount of money on clothes over the next six months, or even the next year. And that's just a, how close are you? It's just like she'd rather have a new wardrobe, and not even a new wardrobe.

Does she buy a bracelet for $750, a pair of shoes, a pair of pumps, you know, like, you're gonna notice what she's gonna be spending her money on. And any time you do the math in your head and it's over something that she doesn't even value that much or, you know, a pair of clothes, or, you know, that she discards in a couple years or whatever, but she wanted to have it then,

you're gonna do the math in your head. No, it's gonna matter. And that's a shame that she doesn't see it that way. Yeah, no, I definitely already doing that. So what do you say to her? You know her, I don't know her, but I don't think the next conversation shouldn't be about trying to convince her

to do your wedding. You could just say, hey, listen, obviously I'm sad. I asked you because of how much you mean to me in our relationship. So listen, I'm not here to tell you what you can or cannot afford, your budget, but listen, I don't think $750 is the end all be all for you. I see you wearing $750 all the time.

You know, I just do. And I'm only hopefully gonna get married once. And no matter what, I'll always know that like you chose not to be at my wedding over like holding a hard line over $750. Now if she throws that back into your face being like, well you're not paying for me to be there. It's just like, yeah, it's just not the same.

I'm like, yeah, I'm not paying for you to preside over my wedding. I want you to want to be at my wedding. I want you to want to marry us. And if I guess if that's too much to ask, because I can't, you know, you know, it's just, it's just not the same and it's not. Yeah. Yeah.

But you can't make her want to do it. And I guess I just, it's, it's hard. It's just hard to like accept the whole thing, because I, like you said, I don't think it's a matter for truly not being able to afford it. I just think she's like, I'm not going to do this. And it just, it's, it's, it's definitely hurtful. Like there's definitely our relationship is not equal.

Like I definitely think I put in a little bit more and it's, I just never expected those words to come out of her mouth because I would have never said that to her. I would, I would have gone anywhere for her, for her wedding. So you have two choices. You could address it head on, or you could live your life and see if she cares enough to address it with you. You could decide right now,

my focus is gonna be on planning my wedding and focusing on happy thoughts. I have her answer. Her answer is it's not a priority for her to be there. If she starts arguing that, that's when she loses. She can't just be like, listen, at the end of the day, I understand that's a lot of money, but if we're gonna get into a whole semantical argument

about what you can and can't afford, then again, I see what you can and can't afford, then, you know, again, I see you, I see what you spend your money on. And so, you know, that was more important, whatever it is, whatever piece of jewelry, whatever clothing item, whatever material thing over the next six to 12 months she spends her money on, it will all be more important than being at your wedding to marry you and your

husband. Yeah. And if she has a hard time seeing that, then I think it should just speak to you in terms of what your friendship actually is. Yeah. And I think, I don't know if I've been using this a lot. Are you watching Vanderpump? Oh yeah.

All right. So I want you to channel Ariana, Reunion Part 3. And you gotta, again, she did this calmly. And so the only way to get through to her, whether you address it with her or she notices you've pulled away and you've been a little distant and you've moved on, I think if and when you move on, I don't think you make a whole thing of it. You just move on. You just okay. So no text, no conversation. Just did she are she RSVP that she's not coming to your wedding? Yeah. As of now, if you got married next week with she told you she's not coming. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we haven't sent out official invitations yet. We basically like

sent out all the information to those we're inviting as early as we could so people could plan and budget and do all of those things. So yeah, we still have to send out invitations and I was like, all right, so if you send her one and like let her know like still want you here, you're still invited. If you want, I'm getting the hint that maybe it makes sense for some communication to solidify whether she is or isn't going to. So it sounds to me like maybe she's, she still might be expecting you to reach out

with an answer about whether you're gonna pay for her to be there or not. No, so our, not our last text, this happened about a week ago. We were communicating about some of the updates we got from the travel agent in terms of the expenses. And she was like, oh, well, okay, so I budgeted 750. So if you want me to go, you need to pay the rest.

And I basically was like, we've already had this conversation. Like you can't force me to pay the difference. Like we've talked about this and she said, you can't force me to pay the difference. Like we've talked about this and she said you can't force me to. Yeah, no one's forcing anyone to do anything. I don't know why either of you are using the word force. You're right. It was poor language. I feel like my, I definitely reacted poorly. I was just really caught off guard and frustrated, like I said, because we'd already kind of discussed it and I thought we were on the same page of figuring it out.

She said, yes, she was gonna come. So I definitely reacted poorly, but she said, you know, if you're not gonna pay 750, then I'm not going. And I said, okay. And we've talked since like we're family members. We have a lot going on. We have some family functions coming up. We have communicated.

We just have not revisited that conversation whatsoever. Let me ask you this. If you were to simply move on and not say anything to her about it, do you think she would come back to you with like some kind of like, well, why didn't we finish this conversation or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

Do you think she would throw it in your face? I don't really know. I feel like the only way she would throw it in your face? I don't, I don't really know. I feel like the only way she would come back to me is if she is bluffing and she really is trying to, this shouldn't be a bluff. Have the upper hand and she just comes back and is like, okay, I figured it out, I'm gonna come. I feel like that's the only way

she resurfaces the conversation. Okay. Well, I know 50-50 and whether you should reach out now or just move on. If you were to reach out now, you're not trying to instigate a fight. I mean, your friend who listens to the show is, I kind of agree with what she thinks I would say or what advice she gave you. I don't know if you know, do you need to go hard, that hard to the paint and that direct? I think you want to sprinkle a little sadness, empathy and love in there, but it's something to the effect of, and maybe it's a phone call. I think maybe text is not necessarily the way I go about these things, but you

just say, Hey, listen, I just, uh, again, I just letting you know, like, I just want to, before I move on, I just wanted to have one last conversation with you about this. I'm obviously really sad that you're choosing not to be at my wedding. Obviously, we can't afford to pay for you. I hate using the word afford, we're not gonna pay for you to come to our wedding. I understand it's a destination wedding,

but we're just not gonna pay for, and she is family, right? So why does she get paid for, you have a lot of family coming, and they're gonna be paying, like we're not paying for people to come to our wedding. I understand it's a destination wedding, and we accept, and we are great for those

who wanna be there at our wedding, and we understand for those who have other priorities. That's what you should say, that's good. So you throw it out there that everyone who's not coming, just a fact, it is, it's true, they have other priorities. And that's okay, you're not saying it's not okay for these people to have other priorities, you're just pointing out that they do.

Which includes her, she has other priorities. So you just say, hey listen, we're not going to be paying for people to come to our wedding. We are grateful for those people who do. We understand that other people have other priorities. I would be lying if I said, you know, I'm definitely sad to know that like you being at our wedding and marrying us isn't a big of a priority for you as it was for me to ask you, but like it just is what it is. I wouldn't say it is what it is, but like, but you know, but I, but I, I guess I understand like before, before I move on and look for someone else to marry us, I just want to confirm

that you are choosing not to come to our wedding. And you have to include the choose, because she is choosing. And if she responds back, be like, I'm not choosing, I can't afford it, then you have to decide if you really want to go there and get into it or not. And going there would be simply pointing out,

be like, yeah, I'm not here to budget your bank account or tell you what you can afford, but I see the stuff you spend money on and while $750 isn't the end all be all, you can choose to spend it or you can choose not to, but knowing that you're going to miss my wedding over $750 definitely is a bummer. And most likely that will trigger her, make her upset, sound really defensive and yada, yada, yada. But like I said, she is your family, she is your cousin. And I don't know what the future holds,

but there's way greater chance that as long as you maintain this relationship and friendship, she's gonna feel pretty dumb in the future for having missed your wedding. Because unfortunately, when you know, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? This doesn't make you happy, but the good news is you are at least right, so you have that going for you.

And I do think if you want to find a silver lining, I bet you can find someone better equipped to marry you two than her. And I think when you think about replacing her, I want you and your fiance to put a lot of thought into who can crush this, who's gonna want to do this? Who is excited about being asked? Who wants to perform? Who wants to put in the time and the homework to really crush this? Because I don't think she's going to.

It's definitely hard pill to swallow, but I don't think you're wrong. It's just, it's a little heartbreaking. It is, but it's not the end of the world. It really isn't. It's not the end of the world. It really isn't. It's not the end of the world. It's just not. Focus on your fiance, your wedding. It's sad, but it also, it isn't the end of the world. It's not the end of your friendship or your relationship. You can get over it.

You can be the bigger person. Certainly you'll be able to give her shit for the rest of your friendship. You'll have that going for you. But it just, it doesn't have to ruin it. You can choose to let it go. You can choose to not do what she's doing and you could just take the friendship

she's willing to give. But it is a barometer. It is letting you know how much she is willing to give for this friendship. So, you know, now you know. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Nick.

All right. Sorry, I couldn't give you a way to figure this out, but listen you just have to it's good it's you really just it's just a lot of you just have to accept how things are and go from there and Show her through your actions that you'll adjust and because if you think she's playing a game or you like already you're fired You know Yeah, well, already you're fired, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's, you know, if she's proving a point, like, no, again, do you want to marry us or not? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I mean, I definitely want it. Spectacular, so. Well, she gave you a little bit of insider baseball about her intentions, and so she is giving, you know, so see it as a blessing rather than a slap in the face or you know a dig yeah okay all right you're right all right good luck keep let us know what the fallout is we'd love an update okay all right take care thank you for listening don't forget to send in your questions at asknickofthewildfiles.com for all things Ask

Nick, texting office, outer remediation, you know the drill. We'll see you tomorrow for Reality Recap. Bye.