The Viall Files - E776 Ask Nick - I Can’t Travel Without My Boyfriend

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode discussing the concept of work wives and work husbands. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller feels bad for breaking up with her boyfriend while he’s in rehab. Our second caller’s Dad doesn't want her to serve liquor at her wedding. And, our third caller’s boyfriend is always sad when she travels. "You are treating non-negotiables like pet peeves" Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Atloids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  Life360 - Visit https://www.Life360.com  or download the app today and use code VIALL to get one month of the gold package for free, plus 15% off all Tiles. Ouai - Wash your OUAI to healthier hair with shampoos and conditioners made just for you. Go https://www.theOUAI.com and enter promo code VIALLFILES for 15% off any product. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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I am your host Nick joined by Scooter Magoo, soon to be Mama Scooter. Soon to be Mama Scooter. And sweet boy Justin. Blonde sweet boy Justin. Oh Soon to be Mama Scooter. And sweet boy Justin. Blonde sweet boy Justin. Oh yeah, you dyed your hair. I did, yes. And it's very cold in here. So either I lost perfection with the darker hair

or the AC is just working. AC is finally working. Wait, what? Explain that. Some people, okay, if I have darker hair, the albedo effect of like sunlight is lower. So basically I absorb more heat versus reflecting, but now I don't because I have lighter hair.

So I'm colder. Dark colors do absorb the sun. Maybe I should go blonde. You seem to know a lot about colors. I studied art history. So I studied color theory. What color would be best for Nick? I know you said you don't like when he wears pink.

I never said that. Or you do like when he wears pink. I just said it in a specific video that the pink made you look tired, so I did see it. Tired. So Nick should not wear pink. No, no, you should wear pink, you look good in it. Thank you.

I like pink. In general, darker colors. I have a nice tan now. You do, yeah. Right, when you have a tan, you gotta wear white. You don't have to. But you can wear anything when you're pale. Exactly, I was gonna say, simplified is that

if you have darker skin, you can wear any color. Like you can wear pastels and it won't wash you out. Versus me, like I dyed my hair and now I look like white. You know? Anyways. Yeah, your hair looks great. Thank you. Yeah, color theory, great. Color theory.

I actually have a question. So I was hanging out with my friend the other day and she is married and was telling me that her husband has a work wife. What's that? I had never heard of this before. Are they swingers? No, not swingers. It's a thing where like you work in an office and you have your best friend who happens

to be your wife or your, and they coined the term work wife, work husband. So I do- Because like you work out projects together? I do have the definition. A work spouse has been defined as a special platonic friendship with a work colleague characterized by a close emotional bond and high levels of disclosure and support.

So- Absolutely fucking not. Yeah. Take yourself back to- Did it say see affair? No. Take yourself- What am I missing here?

Take yourself back to your corporate life though. It's more of a corporate term. Okay. Yeah, where it's like, there's a lot of employees. Is it though? It's like your ride or die in an office. So like your- Read that definition again.

A special platonic friend- All right, all right, all right, back up. Like I- It's like, you're in a committed, you're married. Yeah. Yes. And your partner comes home and says, I have this coworker I'm really, like I really get along with.

Read the definition. A special platonic friendship with a work colleague characterized by close emotional bond, high levels of disclosure and support. All right, so. Close emotional bond is a little. Natalie gets home from work. Yes.

When she's working, let's say. Well, she was in the medical field too, so they have a really tight bond, I'm sure. Yeah, comes home, talks about her doctor, and she, what's the definition again? Close emotional bond. Platonic, close platonic emotional. Yeah, I'm sorry, but you're throwing in,

you're trying to sandwich in the word platonic. Like the last, I didn't hear platonic in that, I mean, I heard the word platonic, but I didn't hear the word platonic. A close emotional bond. Wow. So in my mind, it's like... Immediately like the red, like HR, close emotional bond.

Justin's my work husband. Oh. Is he? I didn't know that, but I'll take it. I've thought about it as like, I'm young enough that I've never had a work spouse. I've had work BFFs. If Natalie has a lot of gay friends, you know,

and like if, yeah, if your partner is really close with someone of the opposite sex, but they happen to not date that sex that your partner is, then yeah, no fucking problem. But when your work wife or husband also dates the same gender that, you know, your partner dates, and they're talking about their close emotional bond. I'm just wondering why, like...

I think that this is where it comes from. It's like when you're working in an intense job and you need like that ride or die person at the office who you vent to, who you talk to, who you text over the weekend. Why are you texting? You're working. Like, wait, wait, back up.

You had me at like venting at work. Okay. No problem. You have, you have my close coworker, my partner, if you will, my work partner, my partnering, I mean, even partner crime. Partnering crime at the office. Okay. I'll, I'll even, I'll go with partner in crime at the office, fine.

Work wife? Work husband? Why do we need to use the word wife or husband? And why is it, like why are we texting on the weekends? Why Adam? Why isn't your actual wife or actual husband, That's a good point. The person you're going home and talking to

about whatever stresses you incur at work. I will say, can I propose you a situation? Please. My student gov teacher in high school, she worked at the same high school as her actual husband, but she would always say she had a work husband who was a different guy. Why? Yeah. And I was always like, hmm, that's interesting.

But like it's plutonic. Like they were never anything that I knew of. But. And I'm not saying anyone listening who has a work wife or work husband is doing something nefarious. I am just like, it would. It's more as a, I think it's more like a jokey, like fun term, silly.

Like in the context I was explaining earlier, my friend telling me she was talking about how like she was having her husband's work wife over for dinner. Like they were, she was having them all over for dinner. I guess. Do I have like a lack of sense of humor about this or something? I think it's just a silly thing.

I think that the term itself is supposed to be silly and platonic. However, I do think- It's not the term I have the problem with. Like, okay, whatever, I got a work wife. I mean, I suppose if, you know, now they came home and be like, oh, my work husband, like, excuse me. You know?

But it's like, there is a definition about this. And that definition, if you were to read like, hey, you know, my partner, they're getting close with someone of the opposite sex. Oh, like what's the relationship like? Justin, read that definition again. A special platonic friendship with a work colleague characterized by close emotional bond,

high levels of disclosure and support. I have an emotional connection. It's like, again, that sounds, it's intimate. That's an intimate definition. Why are we so intimate? What do you, you know? I don't know. I mean, I think that when you're working with someone every single day for hours a day,

you're almost seeing them as just as much as your spouse. At that point. No, I get that. I get that. I've heard people say like work daughter, work son before too. So I think it's just like a general idea of like forced proximity of like, we kind of do feel like family at this point, just from working. What happened to the word mentor?

Yeah. Is that a thing anymore? What happened to the word mentor? Yeah. Is that a thing anymore? What happened to mentor and colleague? Yeah, I don't think you would. Right, am I no fun? You wouldn't like dish out on tea with your mentor though. Like you would go to like your work mom and be like,

oh, guess what they just said, but your mentor is like your mentor. Well, I would have said like work son, work daughter. And so to me, I thought mentor. Mentor seems more professional to me versus like a work mom or dad would be like someone you could just talk to that you like feel comfortable with.

I think to me, this is on par with like having a best friend of the opposite sex if you're attracted to the opposite sex. Now that I'm thinking about it when I was going through a really tough breakup in my twenties, there was Donna, if you're out there. Shout out Donna. She was, Donna was like 10, 15 years older than me there was Donna, if you're out there. Shout out Donna.

Donna was like 10, 15 years older than me. And she wasn't my assistant. I was in a sales role and we had like, like a sales coordinator position that worked as like, they did this. Meteor. Yeah. And so she was in that role.

She wasn't my assistant, but. Or I don't know, was she? I don't fucking know. she? I don't know. But yeah, she was someone that I really went to and like vented about my heartache and pain and yada, yada, yada. Other jobs, yeah, so I had like, there were older ladies at a different job, I remember,

for a different relationship. I would like, I would talk to these ladies at work. I guess I could have called them my work moms, so to speak. I feel like work moms way better than work, but I guess that's the point. And Donna was married and had kids and whatever, you know. But like it was never, I definitely would not have heard of my work wife. If anything, it would have been work mom. Right. No, I think you have to kind of be similar age, similar like- Well, that's what I'm saying. You have to be, you know, that's what you're,

what are you trying to say? You're like, you're saying it has to, it has to almost look like a, you potentially could date. Yeah. Precisely. Like, and in short of that person, you know, being gay or not being attracted to the gender

in which your partner dates, then great. But if, if they could, if they are, you know, it's like, they better be pretty ugly, I guess is what I'm trying to say. In my opinion for this to work, they either both have to be single or both be in a relationship and their spouses or significant others

have to like, you know, know them. Yeah, I'm sure like, you're, you know, clearly your friend had a moment for dinner, there's like, whatever, they, maybe she had a more for dinner. There's like whatever they Maybe she has a bigger sense of humor than me or whatever. I don't know or maybe Maybe like my guess is if you got to know your partner's co-worker first, right? Or you know, or you knew them early on and their closeness You became just as close with them as your your partner did at work

You know what I'm saying then okay fine. I get it. You know you're kind of in on the joke You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no they have to be in on the joke for sure Yeah, it can't be like a secret work wife or husband. Yeah, like you know you're referring to your work wife or work husband I don't know. It's just I kind of hate it Okay, that's fair. I guess that's what I'm saying. When would you bring it up? I don't know, I just, I thought it was cute. I think it's cute.

I mean, it's like you have your best friends. It's cute. You have your like, your person at work at the office. But again, I do think they ought to be in on it. Why is it the opposite sex? It doesn't have to be. Well, no, then it would be a more bestie. Donna, like I felt more, you know,

first of all, she was more interested in my heart heartbreak than Frank, you know, I don't know if they're making Frank up. You know what I'm saying? Like she made me feel comfortable that way. She created a safe space for my vulnerability. I wouldn't say it needs to be, I definitely have had work wives.

It's just like your work bestie. It's like the person at work who you like bond with and. I guess what I'm saying is, yeah, if your partner is bonding with someone from the opposite sex and that bond is going beyond, you just work. Again, if you're like, if the definition was someone of the opposite sex that you bond over the difficulties of your projects and tasks that you work on together to, okay, I'm great.

All right. Like you had to get the job done. Yeah, this is like you're talking, you're going to them for the drama. You're going from the T, you're going from the most social poor. You're maybe you're going to them to talk about your actual partner. Yeah. You know, I was talking to Donna about my relationship, that was ending, but nevertheless, I needed that emotional support. I no longer had the partner to go to. So I went to her. So I am just, you know what I'm saying? I do, yeah. I'm trying to figure out the scenario

where it's not a potential red flag. And I guess only you have to be in on the joke. I think that's it. It's just, you have to understand that it's like a fun term and it's your partners all have to be in on it and understand it's like, oh yeah, that's my work wife. Or yeah, that's my work husband. Maybe I'm just the newlywed guy

who has really enjoyed calling Nellie my wife. Where I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm saying I love you to. Or it's just like, really? Like you couldn't, do we have like why work wife or husband? Like... There definitely is a blurred line cause I remember from episode 741, we had a caller that said,

I think my pilot husband had an emotional affair and basically it was his work wife and that's what he would like kind of allude to her as. Right. Yeah, that was like enough. So we get calls and writers all the time talking about having a crush on somebody at the office while they have a long distance significant other

or husband or wife or falling in love with a coworker. What do I do for sure? And how many of these work, wife and husbands turned into a natural situation? I think it's the same thing as having a best friend of the opposite sex too. I'm sorry, but like, you know, it's not, it's not a regular, you know,

Nellie and I are working together now. And very lucky. She's your wife. My wife. There you go. As a new mom, Nellie has taken a hiatus, extended hiatus from her surgical technician job. He still like reaches out all the time to get her. Oh really? I mean, she, I mean, she, he really, I mean, when you find someone,

especially in surgery, her literal job is to read his mind, to anticipate his moves in surgery. High stress situation. But I just couldn't imagine a scenario. And I love her doctor, you know? And I know him, like I'm not, there's no weirdness. But I couldn't imagine a situation where I'm like, like I'm not, there's no weirdness, but I couldn't imagine a situation where I'm like, oh, who are you texting?

And she's just going back and forth and talking about like, oh, he's just really having a hard time. And oh, we're talking about this inside joke and it's like a Saturday afternoon. It's just like, thread or not, I just would feel like inappropriate, you know, or late night texts, texting offline about like, oh, you know, it's just, Chad needs offline about like, oh, you know, it just,

Chad needs to talk. He's having a hard day. It's like, okay. Like, I don't know. I just like, I don't seem unnecessary. That's what you're saying. I would, I would love to know what people think. Yeah. In the comments. I personally, like Danny has a lot of female friends and like the nature of his work is also like he works with a lot of different songwriters and artists and the hours are weird

and they have personal relationships and friendships outside of their sessions. So- But if all of a sudden he came home and it was like, you know, that's a Selena, boy, my work wife. And then all of a sudden he's texting her late at night and it's on the weekends and you get a call, it's all she needs to, she really needs to talk, she needs my advice and you know,

like she better be on speaker phone. Right, huh? Yeah, usually yeah, if that were to happen. But you know when you say work wife, there's a success, you're building a bond, you know. You're putting a label on something that doesn't need a label, maybe. You just think it's unnecessary.

Yeah. That's fair. You just think it's unnecessary. Yeah. That's fair. Why are we doing that? Are we, like, what? To me, it's just like, maybe I'm the Debbie Downer here, but like, what are you not getting in your current relationship that requires the label? Because this definition goes beyond just like,

the coworker that you really rely on for work problems. That's not the definition. A special bond. What? A special platonic bond. You know, I'm just not interested in, I don't think Natalie would be interested in me having a special bond with people I work with.

Yeah, that's fair. If I'm hosting a TV show with a, and often like gigs I'm up for. That's usually a man and a woman co-host situation. Oh, my work wife. Like why? No, not for me. But let us know in the comments if you disagree,

which I'm sure many of you do. Anyway, we do have a fantastic episode for you, some great callers and hopefully even better advice. But before we do, we just wanna let you know, Tuesday, send in those questions at thevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting, office hours. We have a great week lined up for you. Tuesday and Thursday, we got some banger reality recaps.

We're talking a lot of Love Island, obviously the Batch of the Rats, we got some banger reality recaps. We're talking a lot of Love Island, obviously the Batch of the Rats. We got some Housewives, all of the above. Everything under the Assan. Love Island. I love, well, yeah, Love Island. You guys, if you're not watching Love Island, and this is coming from someone who really resisted.

You really did. For the longest time, but I was wrong. Anyway. So thanks for sticking with us. Check out all the great episodes we have. Also, if you haven't listened to the Jess episode, Jess from Perfect Match, really empowering. Obviously a lot of tea about everything

that went down in Perfect Match. Just a great person. And if you're interested in getting to know just a little bit more, the complexities that is her, be sure to check that out if you haven't already. All right, let's get to our callers. What's your time with me? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions.

How's it going? Good. My name's Suzie and I'm 28. How can we help Suzy? I'm going through a bit of a rough, I guess, breakup right now. Basically I feel bad because I broke up with my boyfriend who's in rehab. We've been dating for four years. We met in 2020.

I don't want to go into like too much detail about his addiction. Just want to say that it's, it was to alcohol and you know, over the four years that we dated, it caused a lot of problems in our relationship with like trust and communication. And it got worse, I would say as the relationship progressed, he kind of was told by me and his family that, you know, he needs to check himself into rehab or he's going to lose everything basically. So he did that and he was there for about a month. So he's out now actually, and he's, you know, trying to be sober. When we first met, I'm from Toronto.

So I told him that I really want to move out west because I have a bunch of family out there and friends. And it's something I've been wanting to do for the past four years. But because of his addiction, it wasn't really possible for him just financially and he didn't really want to leave his support system or he couldn't, I guess. So I've been holding back on that decision, hoping he would eventually get it together and then we could eventually move together. But obviously that didn't happen. And so right before he was told to go to rehab, I actually told him like, listen, like, I can't keep putting myself last in this relationship. And so I told him, you know, I'm deciding I'm going to move out West with or without you because, you know, it's something I've been wanting to do. And I think that's part of the reason that, you know, rehab ended up happening because

from there, the drinking got really like it really escalated in a short amount of time. So then there was one day that he was allowed like a visitor. So I went to visit him and we basically talked and decided right now that like we can't be together and that you know I need to focus on myself like do the move, figure out my stuff. He needs to, his priority has to be getting sober and like he's not really in a place where he can be a good boyfriend right now. So that's what happened. So we did break up. I did see him when he got out and it was very emotional. I'm still moving. Like that hasn't changed. But I guess I just kind of

want advice on, you know, I have a lot of guilt about this decision just because I feel like I'm choosing a time that he's finally doing something about his addiction to, I guess, leave him or abandon him in a way, which I know I'm not abandoning him because I'm choosing myself, but it still feels that way. And it's really hard to not worry about him and his sobriety because I've been doing it for the past four years. So, like, we still do kind of keep in touch. Like, we haven't cut each other off completely, which I know is probably not a great thing. But yeah, I'm traveling right now for a wedding and he wants

to see me because I have to go home and then I have four days to basically pack all my stuff and move across the country. And so he really wants to see me before I move. And I just want some advice on kind of how to get through this on my own in a new city. Like I have some friends there and family, but I've never lived on my own before. And I have been very codependent. How old are you now?

Oh, 28. Okay. Yeah. It's a great age to live on your own for the first time. You've had roommates prior to this? Yes. Yeah. Was he ever a roommate?

Yes. So we actually, so we lived together for about two years and then I went to school, so like I couldn't afford to pay rent and so we ended up moving into like his parents basement for about a year, which I just moved out of like a few weeks ago, like just my stuff. This obviously is a tough situation, right? Um, I think all you can really do is kind of keep doing what you're doing. And that is to remind yourself

that despite your feelings of guilt or shame or feeling like you're obligated to do something, your actions are showing that like, you know that's not true, right? And that you do have to choose yourself. And that even though you feel sad or feel responsible at times or feel like you're abandoning him, it sounds like you recognize that in reality

that's not the case. And I think what you should do is just more of the same, which is just kind of keep reminding yourself of that. Make sure that you have your own support system because obviously you've been his for such a long time and that can be a huge energy suck, right? And sometimes people in your position can focus so much about the needs of their partners who are struggling,

they abandon their own needs. And I think you're so used to doing that that you even prioritizing yourself at all feels self-centered or selfish. And then that's where the guilt comes in. So I give you a lot of credit for following through with this move and things like that. And then again, just not allow yourself

to give into those kind of toxic thoughts of guilt and shame. Big picture, that's all you can do. I mean, the question is like, do you see them before you go and things like that? And how do you maintain this? And maybe what boundaries should you come up with to make sure that you don't backtrack or things like that?

Well, yeah. And I think that's what's hard too, because like when he was in rehab, he didn't have a phone, so it was like, we couldn't text, we couldn't call. So it was almost like, I feel like I was almost living like an illusion of like, oh, like we're no contact right now, but it's like, because we had to be no contact. So now that that option is there and, you know, he's like reaching out to me to tell me about like his sponsor that he met and like how he's doing. And I don't know, like I just I'm having a hard time cutting that off.

And I know that a lot of people feel that way when they go through breakups, but it's just, it's tough. And I think because it was so amicable and like we still have so much love for each other. Like I almost feel like now he's being the guy that I always wanted him to be. And it sucks, cause I'm like, I can't be with that person. What do you, which, which you can't be with the guy you wanted him to be, or you can't be with him?

Like both. Like I feel like if he had done this like a year ago, I would have been more willing to like stay and like see, you know, how his sobriety goes. But because I've just reached such a point of like, you know, I can't keep doing this. I think now like I just, I can't. Well, to me, what I'm hearing is you're happy

that he's finally making some changes and you hope that these changes are implemented and are sustainable in his life, but you have experienced him not following through so much that, you know, deep down you probably don't believe in them. And that's a probably sad thing to even admit to yourself long, long say. So I'll say it for you. If God or a genie or whatever, like some, whatever came down and said to you, he is this person that you want him to be, I guarantee you he will never fall off the wagon.

I guarantee you, you have my, as the creator of this universe, you have my full-fledged guarantee that he is this person, you would date him, you would be with him, but you don't. And obviously that's not realistic. And you know that the chances of him not realizing or struggling or not having a challenge are as less likely than it is likely,

which not knowing anything about alcoholism or addiction and things like that, I'd be willing to bet you're probably right, you know? And regardless of his addiction, just as a partner, regardless of his reasons for not being the partner that you needed all these years, the point was he wasn't. And you have way more personal experiences with him being someone who wasn't what you needed than was.

And all you can do is go off the information that you have. experiences with him being someone who wasn't what you needed than was and All you can do is is go off the information that you have You're making the very difficult decision to no longer Make decisions based off of hope and if you've ever listened to show or read my book You know that I strongly advocate for the fact that hope is not something you want in a relationship Because hope is a signal to yourself of what you don't have. You don't hope for things you have and you've probably spent a lot of time in this relationship hoping he would be someone different and for you to continue to be in this relationship even despite him finally making changes you would still be hoping

you would still be hoping this sticks you would still be hoping. You would still be hoping this sticks. You would still be hoping he continues to be this person. And you have way too many examples that he's not. You're doing the best thing you can do. You're doing the bravest thing that you can do. And it is a very difficult thing. So instead of feeling bad, I think you need to start giving yourself some credit and recognize that you're finally choosing you.

And listen, you got gotta stop thinking about the future because who knows what can happen. I'm not a big destiny, I'm not a big fate person, but I do believe in the energy of this world. And the truth is that if you go and move and live your life and he figures his shit out, I don't know. Maybe you guys could get back together, but you can't operate in a world

where you're constantly wondering, you're planning or thinking about it. You truly do have to let him go like you seem to be trying to do. And if you guys find your way back in each other in a world where you're constantly wondering or planning or thinking about it. You truly do have to let him go, like you seem to be trying to do. And if you guys find your way back in each other's life and maybe two or three years down the road, he truly is shown without you being motivation,

because that's another scary part. You don't wanna be the reason why he changes. You can't be the reason why he changes, because then he won't really change. He can only change for himself. And for you to know that he's truly changed, you can't be a part of his life. Yeah.

You know, because otherwise you will have a hard time trusting him. Yeah, and like that is something that we both acknowledge. Like he, I think realized too, like in rehab that it has, he has to change for himself and it can't be for anyone else. And I definitely think that like even having me there is, but he has to change for himself and it can't be for anyone else. And I definitely think that even having me there is whether he realizes it or not could be the motivator for him.

I think the other part too is the guilt with, and I was really struggling with this before he got help, but if I leave, will he slip back into it? Will he, will that, like will that trick and like. Not, it's not your problem and it's not your responsibility. And you were not brought in this life to save his life. Yeah.

I know and it sounds cold and cruel, but like he has to take care of himself. He's not willing to take care of himself. Yeah. Is it really fair for you to expect to sacrifice so much? You've already sacrificed a lot, I've imagined. You're not his wife, you're not his parent. And because you have the ability to choose yourself,

because you have made a huge amount of sacrifice. It's like you're feeling this sense of responsibility because you've already given so much and sacrificed in a weird way. If you had not met him at all, like it wasn't like you weren't destined to be this guy's caretaker. You can't be the reason he changes. You can't. It won't work. You know, and so it's not your responsibility to stick around to ensure that he does. Like he has to decide for himself and do this for himself because he wants to stop

making choices that he's been making that have been so destructive in his life. Yeah. You weren't enough for him to stop drinking when he was with you. That's true. So why do you need to stick around?

I know it sounds cold and insensitive. You're almost kind of giving yourself too much credit. Like you're not gonna be the reason he figures it out one way or the other. Yeah, and I think I know that logically. Like you said, it's because I've been doing it for so long. Like it really became the dynamic of our really. And like I'm also, I went to school to be a therapist. Like I really, I'm so always focused on other people and like what they're going through. And I think that's also like just a part of my, who I am. And so it's even

harder to like let him go not knowing like what that could mean. And, but I know that I like, that's what needs to happen. What do you mean what it could mean? Yeah. I mean, I don't know, like, just like not knowing unknown. Yeah. Like just not knowing if he like, and again, like I, I shouldn't even be thinking it. Well, I mean,, I'm sure in a few months I will eventually stop wondering, but right now it feels like I will always be wondering, is he sober still? Did he fall back in? I mean, who knows?

Again, this could be something he struggles with for the rest of his life. And you're right. If you do in fact move on, you will stop thinking about it. You just will. I'm older now, right? And so people I dated in my twenties at that point were like, they were my whole life.

My whole life. And now I don't know who they are. I don't know what they're doing. I don't know where they're at, you know? And that's just a product of living life and getting older. Right now he's been the past several years, your whole life, your big foe, you know,

he's been your number one priority, you know, or top three, top five for sure. It just takes time to move on from someone you cared about and obviously you cared about him. Again, what I'm saying is like, you have to do the thing where like, just start putting yourself on the back a little bit, because you're doing, you're making the good choices. You're making the healthy choices.

And I think Al-Anon, I think the name is like a support group, I think, maybe I'm getting that wrong, but there are support groups for people who are in relationships with people who suffer from addiction. I think it's called Al-Anon. Maybe look into that. If you, you know, just because again,

I can understand why you can feel alone in this or feel the guilt, and I know it's easy for me to say, hey, don't be guilty, but like, hey, listen, we all have our thoughts and feelings. But I just think is from where I sit's easy for me to say, hey, don't be guilty, but like, hey, listen, we all have our thoughts and feelings. But I just think is from where I sit, all I can really say, not being an expert in this space is that congratulations for making the tough choices

because it's easy to say things and much harder to act on them. And you are in fact acting on them. Obviously you're dealing with some like feelings that make it more difficult, but you will process those and you have to just, the big thing is to not give into those feelings and change your actions because right now your actions seem

to be really healthy ones. And you have to just continue to stack your healthy decisions. And it is, I don't know, maybe it's an ego thing. I don't know what it is, but there's a, the part of you that was making unhealthy decisions for so long is going to be resistant to these healthy decisions. But the more you make them, uh, the easier it will be.

And you have to recognize that. And even though you can say, well, I feel this, but I know this, and I have to give myself the grace and support and congratulations of doing the very difficult thing. And instead of being, instead of questioning yourself, just knowing your heart, you're doing it. You know, like again, as someone who has a background on this and someone who's studied this, you know, logically that you're making healthy decisions and that's why you're making them. You can feel sad, acknowledge your sadness without it alter your decisions for making healthy ones. Yeah and so I guess like you would say stop texting him, don't see him. I mean overall yes I mean listen I'm not here to say like oh if you before you

move never see him it's gonna make moving on harder. Yeah. You know. Yeah. It just will but at the same time I'm sure you can endure it. Don't make the mistake of convincing yourself you're doing it for him. If you want to talk to him, if you want to see him before you go, at least admit to yourself that it's as much for you as it is for him. Even if you're doing it so you feel less guilty, you're still doing it for you. Yeah. Because deep down, the healthiest choice is to not do it. But it sounds like a lot of times you talk to him

is because you don't want to feel guilty about not talking to him. So you're still doing it so you don't feel the guilt. Yeah. And whether you say goodbye to him or whether you keep talking to him, also you have no idea how you impact his life. If you decide not to see him before you move,

I don't think it really matters. Like you seeing him, he could still fall off the wagon. You not see him, he could fall off the wagon. You know what I'm saying? Like at the end of the day, he is going to have to figure it out and he's gonna have to deal with disappointment and that doesn't cause him to rely on abusing alcohol

or any other substance to cope with his own feelings. I'm not sure why he abuses these things, but a lot of times it seems to be like a coping thing. Well, I know you've been a special person in his life. You're not his whole life and you're not the end all be all and he's gonna have to cope about other things. His problems don't go away whether you are in or out of his life. While you were in his life, he was an alcoholic. He's been a big part of your life. It is hard to end any relationship, especially romantic ones, because they're your whole life.

They become an extension of you. That's the great part about relationships and it's the hard part about why they end. So part of the difficulty of breaking up with someone is not only the memory, like it's filling the literal voids of time that you used to have them in, you know? And it's sad, it is hard.

So yeah, I empathize and understand why it can be so difficult. And the only way to get through it is to get through it, you know? Not to use a, you know, since we're on the topic of addiction, you know, but like, you always hear, like you see movies when people are like getting off of like heroin and they have to like go through

that one night where their body is like rejecting all the toxins and it's really painful, but they have to like get through it to not. And that's kind of similar to letting someone go. To deny yourself access to him hurts you. It's sad. You feel a certain way about it. And the reason why you give into that is because you're kind of like an addict would take

that hit just to satisfy that craving of needing to see them so you don't feel like you miss them, you give in and bring them back into your life, or you look at pictures of them, or just allow your brain to go down memory lane and fantasize about a good memory. We have all these different ways that we scratch that itch of feeding that addiction that you have to having them in your life. I don't know if there's such a thing as healthy

codependency, maybe codependency is the wrong word, but the nice part about having a relationship is to rely on one another, to be your support system. You don't have that with him anymore, so that's sad. And so there's a void in your life, a literal void. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And you have to just work through that and get through those moments where that pain of missing him and that sadness of missing him is so strong that you give in. But the less you give in, the more you can withstand it,

the easier it becomes, you know? Then that urge just slowly goes away. And then one day you just realize they're not a part of your life at all. Yeah. You know? Yeah. It literally, it's one of those things you think about them, you go from breaking up with someone

to thinking about them constantly. In fact, you think about them more than you ever had following a breakup. You become almost obsessed and then over time, you, you know, hopefully, if you do the work and you don't give yourself access to them and don't obsessively look over pictures or listen to your favorite songs or fantasize, you know, obsessively like, you know, notice the cars that they drive over time, you think about them less and less and less and less and less and less. And then one day you're like, I haven't thought about it in a few days. Holy shit, you know, and it's kind of like this crazy thing, but it just takes time. Missing him keeps him in your life. Missing him gives you access to him. And so those are little things that our brain plays tricks on

us by telling us that we can't let them go and you can't not think about him because you can't help how you feel, which isn't true. You can. It just takes a little time and it takes a little willpower and it takes a little checking in with yourself and giving yourself credit when you make healthy decisions and then just tackle the next day, you know, and one day at a time, just like they will say for him, I'm sure. And I don't know if he's an AA or anything like that, but there's a lot of things they teach, I think, in alcohol anonymous that I think any person, regardless of their struggling with addiction or not, can benefit from. And that one day at a time, I think is an example of it. You can't get over someone in one day. Yeah. And I think like my brain is also playing

this like trick where it's like, oh, but he's sober now. And he's, like I said, like he's all the things you ever wanted him to be, but it's like, maybe he like,'s sober now. And he's, like I said, like he's all the things you ever wanted him to be, but it's like, maybe he, like you don't know how long that's gonna last. No, he's not. No, he's not. Yeah, exactly. He's not yet.

You know, he has shown glimpses, he's showing progress, but you, that's the thing, you know he's not. So stop saying that to yourself. Stop lying to yourself about who he is today. What he is today is someone who is in the very beginning stages of healing something that is going to take some time. And it's, there's going to be bumps in the road and there's going to be struggles and you know this, which is why, and you're not in a position to

continue to wait around for him because it's finally time that you started prioritizing your needs because you've been prioritizing his for so long now. So stop lying to yourself, stop convincing yourself that he's who he's finally who you finally wanted because you know he's not. And I don't know if he'll ever get there, but you know that deep down that's gonna take some time and that's a bit of a journey. And you would never really know for sure until you actually let him go. Because I think deep down, you know that you need, he needs to do this without you. So that if there was a future that you,

he's become this person on his own, not as a reason to win you back or keep you. Yeah, no, for sure. It's just scary. I know, but it's gonna be okay. And you're doing an amazing thing. You know, I think again, I want you to start giving yourself credit. I want you to start acknowledging what you're doing for

yourself and say out loud, I'm really proud of you. I'm proud of myself. I'm doing a very difficult thing. It is scary. It is challenging and I'm doing it anyways. And I'm really proud that I am willing to do the scary thing because I know that it's best for me. And you need to verbalize that to yourself and affirm that to yourself and repeat it over and over until you actually believe it and you stop having these, you know, self-limiting beliefs. And you can do that, you can control that.

And you know, those, and when you catch yourself going down the rabbit hole of, of giving into your fears and giving into your sadness, you have to say, time out, wait, I can recognize this fear. I can acknowledge this fear. It's okay to have this feeling, but I need to change my mindset and, and acknowledge why I'm doing what I'm doing and give myself the credit it deserves. Yeah. Yeah.

That's like what I tell my clients, but then it's so hard to do it to yourself. Yeah, sure. Cause you're emotionally invested in this, right? So that, that I mean, most therapists have therapists, you know, so just because you studied to be a therapist doesn't absolve you from having your own thoughts and feelings, and it doesn't like absolve you from needing a support system or someone to like remind you of the obvious because right now your ego, your feelings and your fears are clouding your judgment,

your, you know, which is normal, it's human, you know? Yeah. As we get older, we get a little better at taking your own advice, but we never are as good. Well, I'm not as, I'm not, I'm way better at giving advice other than taking it for myself. Yeah. You know, I, I, you know, I'm not a therapist, but I certainly have one.

You know, that's for sure. Give yourself a little bit of grace and just keep doing what you're doing. Okay. It feels, it feels good to hear somebody else say that too. Like I, like I do have a therapist and stuff, but I just need to remind myself I'm doing the right thing and whatever happens, happens. Yeah. Yeah. And then as far as do you see him before you go?

Listen, just be honest while you're doing it. Yeah. And recognize that you're, you are, and seeing him and talking to him is not in line with your goals. You are sacrificing your future for short-term gratification. But you are, and seeing him and talking to him is not in line with your goals. You are sacrificing your future for short-term gratification. Yeah, that's true. We all do that.

It's okay from time to time. I'm not saying don't do it. I still eat sugar. I know it's not good for me. Yeah. But just be honest with why you're doing it and at least accept and understand the ramifications of your choices.

Relationships are very tough, you know, because as a partner to someone you love, you feel like it's part of your job to be their support system. And in some ways it is. But you can't love someone more than they love themselves. And you can't help someone who's not willing to help themselves. And right now, he doesn't love himself the way he needs, and he doesn't take care of himself the way he's supposed to. And so, you can't be the one who makes up for that, and you recognize that. You have to start giving yourself more credit and stop having these repetitive thoughts that are just making you second guess your healthy

decisions. Is your picker any less off because you entered in a relationship with someone who ended up being an alcoholic versus someone who entered a relationship with someone who ended up like cheating on them and gaslighting them and lying to them or emotionally abused them or physically abused them? A lot of us enter in relationships with people who weren't right for us. You know what I'm saying? You know, all the time.

So you're no different than anyone else. And that's the thing, no matter what you learn and from the past, every relationship you enter into will always be a risk. Even our best partners will hurt us at some point. They will disappoint us. So like being a good partner, being an emotionally intelligent person

doesn't guarantee you of picking the right partner because our partners can change. You can meet someone and then they jump into some type of substance and start abusing. You don't know. So stop beating yourself up. Again, this goes back to like right now you were giving into your toxic thoughts and you're not giving your healthy thoughts enough of grace and time. And I think you have to get to the point where you have to stop thinking of more negative

thoughts. You know, you bring up one topic, I give you an answer, you're like, well, what about this negative thought? And what about this negative thought? And at some point, you're just going to have to say, I'm going to stop doing this. And instead of negative thought, start having, you know, focus on your positive thoughts, the gratitude, the giving yourself credit. At any point, you can affirm to yourself and write down an acknowledgement of something you're proud of yourself. You can see the world in a positive way versus a negative way. Nothing's stopping you

from writing it down, affirming it, saying out loud, telling your friends. And the more you act on those positive thoughts, the more they will become second nature. Right now, you've focused so much on your negative thoughts that those are the ones that are second nature to you. Yeah. No, for sure. And even my friend, even my friend that, like, lives, like, where I'll be moving is always talking about, like, all the things they're gonna do together and how exciting it is. And, like, yeah, like, I just need to focus more on that and, like, building a new life for myself. Yeah. All right. Well, good luck. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Thank you.

Congratulations on the move. Thanks. And just Congratulations on the move. Thanks. And just work on those thoughts. Okay. Sounds good. Thank you so much. I love your podcast. All right. Thank you. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it. Take care. Okay. Bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Comparison is the thief of joy and it's easy to envy other people's lives.

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and use code VIALL to get one month of the gold package for free plus 15% off all tiles. That's life360.com code VIALL. How's it going? Hey, my name is Abby and I'm 23 years old and my dad doesn't want me to serve alcohol at my wedding. Okay, who's paying for the wedding? It's partly me and my fiance and the other part's my dad. So we kind of just split things 50-50.

Well, that makes it a little tougher. Yeah. If your dad was paying for it, I was like, I don't know, well, he's throwing the party. If you were paying for it, I'd be like, well, listen, you know, he's welcome to not drink. What are his reasons for not wanting to have alcohol at the party? Well, he is very strongly against alcohol, like all growing up. I think it's partly because of like his religion. And then we live in a small town and a lot of the older generation, including him, they

think if you drink alcohol, it's like a sin. And you know, it's like the devil and everything like that. You know, I'm a Christian, I go to church, but I'm more open-minded to where I'm like, you know, people do what they want, you know, I don't really care. So, but I think that's where he comes from with it. Are you able to tell your dad? No. Are you worried he won't show up at your wedding?

Are you worried he won't pay for that portion of your wedding? What's your comfort level of going to your dad and saying, dad, I love you, and I really appreciate your POV, I don't always agree with it. But that being said, we wanna have it because a lot of our guests do drink and we want it to be fun and yada yada. I guess, where's your concern lie?

He doesn't even know I drink or my fiance drinks. So I feel like if I brought it up to him, he probably would flip out just like over that. And then having at the wedding, he would just like completely say no to. But it came up because my fiance, he wants to do like an open bar. Like he enjoys drinking with his friends.

And like, I could really care less just because I was raised, not really around alcohol until I got older. And so I feel bad just to be like, sorry, to like my fiance, like we can't do it because of my dad. But then also part of me is like, like if it's gonna cause an argument between me and my dad, is it worth it?

Well, the reality is, regardless of your wedding, is that your future husband does drink and you do drink a little bit. You might not be that big of a deal, but the point is you do, and your dad is under a different impression. So like, do you wanna have more an honest relationship with your dad or your parents?

Or do you wanna still keep acting like a 15 year old who like, you know. Right, I know. Doesn't, you know. Yeah, yeah. It sounds like giving your dad's very strong beliefs that a difficult conversation with him is inevitable.

So now you have to ask yourself the question is when do you want to have this difficult conversation prior to your wedding or some point after your wedding? But either way, at some point it's going to happen. Yeah, I just don't know how to like bring it up just because he does have such a strong like he's very just like, no, we don't do that. We don't talk about it. Like he just like completely against it. So I don't know. I just, we've always just never really brought it up or like said anything about it just out of respect

because we know how he'll react. So I just don't even know how to like go about the conversation with him. I mean, you know your father best. Here's what I know. When it comes to difficult conversations, there's no perfect way to start that. When it comes to difficult conversations, there's no perfect way to start that. When it comes to difficult conversations, there are ways to help reduce the chances of it escalating or becoming toxic or things like that. And that really comes down to your ability, knowing that you're entering into a different conversation. And whenever you bring this up to him, it's going to be a surprise. So the onus is going to be on you to try to regulate yourself, not take things personally. You're going to trigger your father. So you have to recognize that you're going to catch him off

guard. It's going to be triggering to him. He's going to feel a lot of different emotions. You're going to have to give him a little bit of grace. At the same time, you're going to have to know what your boundaries are and what is important to you. And you're going to have to know what your boundaries are and what is important to you. And you're going to have to be able to stand your ground at times calmly and respectfully and find that balance. There's no perfect way of doing that. Maybe it's a letter to kind of soften the blow and say, I wanted to write you this letter because I know it's going to be upsetting to you. But at the same time, I love you. And know listen I don't know your dad but as a new parent I'm already preparing myself that I'm going to have a lot of goals for my daughter and aspirations from

and dreams for my daughter but she's going to have to live her own life. Right. And I hope your dad is honest enough with himself and self-aware enough with life that his little girl, once she turned 18, wasn't going to do and subscribe to every belief that he has. Right, exactly. And I doubt that your dad didn't ever disappoint his parents. So at some point, you're just gonna have to like Drop it on him.

Grow up a little bit and just say, hey dad, I know this is going to upset you, but I'd rather be honest with you than continue to hide something from you. And I hope while this might be disappointing that you appreciate that I'm coming to you because ultimately you know how much I love you. You know how much our relationship means to me. And I hope it's okay that while there are things I do that you don't agree with that you still love means to me. And I hope it's okay that while there are things I do that you don't agree with, that you still love and respect me.

I've gone back and forth before telling him, it's just not like, I feel like I don't drink enough to ever bring it up or cause that. But you drink. Yeah, I do drink, yeah. Listen, you drink. So don't, you're already trying to downplay it. You're gonna have to own this with dad.

You drink and it's fine, it's okay. I drink, I'm not a big drinker, but I drink. And if my parents think I didn't drink at all, I'm not a big drinker, but there was plenty of alcohol at our wedding. Your dad's gonna be at his wedding. And it's important to your husband and your husband wants this.

And now that you are about to get married, the most important man in your life is no longer your father, I'm assuming. I'm assuming it's your husband. Welcome to being married. You're going to have to start making difficult choices and reprioritizing the people in your life. And the reality is, it's something your husband wants at his wedding. I know. That's why I've been back and forth with it. I feel like worst case scenario, I feel like the reason why I shy away from it is because what if he didn't want to come to the wedding or like he just backed out.

Why would your dad not want to come to your wedding? I don't know. He's very like. You mean if you told him. Yeah, like he's just very against like anything to do with it. Like he, I don't know, like he doesn't want to be in the same room as it. Like we couldn't be around people who drank growing up. Like it was just always like a big thing. And I know it's not a big problem to anybody else,

like, you know, but to him, he was always- Well, how big of a deal is it to your husband? And does your husband understand where your dad stands? Yes, he does. When we first started dating, he really didn't understand it, but the more he's been around him, he has, but I think he does get frustrated.

Cause like you said, like we're old enough to where we should be able to make like decisions if we drink and this and that, and my dad shouldn't have to get so heated over it. You just obviously been so afraid of disappointing your dad, you've always avoided disappointing your dad. But that's not teaching your dad that you're an adult now. And sometimes us as kids have to teach our parents

the new expectations and boundaries of what a relationship with you is like as an adult. Because I think very few parents have their kids turn 18 and go, all right, our relationship dynamic is changing now. You're an adult, you know. Very few people ever give up the power and control that they have. And it's gonna be up to you to do that.

Now, again, there's nothing wrong with you and your husband respecting your dad's beliefs and deciding for the sake of your dad, you're not gonna have alcohol at your wedding. I don't have a problem with that. I don't care about you not having alcohol at your wedding. To me, this is more than your wedding. This is about you having the ability

to stand up to your dad. Because the alternative is you just continuing to lie to him. And what's that. That's even worse. That's worse. Yeah. You know, that's that's you not having an honest relationship with your dad. That's you saying, Dad, you're not you're not mature enough or man enough or emotionally

mature enough to handle me at anyone disappointing you. Right. Your dad's a big boy. Yeah. He's entitled to a strong belief about alcohol, but like he's not entitled for the world to accommodate his beliefs. Yeah, that's true. You have to decide what type of relationship you want with your dad. One that is based off of placating him and lying to him about who you are as a person

so that he doesn't get upset and believes that you're someone you're not. Or give your dad a chance to be upset, be angry, work through his frustration, but still have a relationship with his daughter because at the end of the day, he loves her and respects that you as an adult are entitled to your own choices and your own beliefs. Yeah, I've been going back and forth between it,

but I definitely see your point of view. I just wanted to get a different perspective because I just felt very stuck in the middle between my fiance and my dad. But I definitely see your point of view. I just wanted to get a different perspective because I just felt very stuck in the middle between my fiance and my dad. But I do think I need to have a conversation with him about it and just see. I don't know if he did get mad. I mean, we could still have alcohol at our wedding,

obviously, but I know there's some in my family also who don't feel comfortable with it. But I guess you could just, if they don't want to drink, then they don't have to. Yeah, but obviously your dad, it's more about the being around it. You know, your dad, if he's paying for the wedding at all, he's gonna have an issue with paying for the alcohol,

you know, and so. That's true. Listen, it sounds like he's gonna be upset. But to me, this is about you growing up a little bit and changing the dynamic of your relationship with your father. This is, what kind of relationship do I wanna have with my dad? Right. This really isn't with your father. This is what kind of relationship do I want to have with my dad? This really isn't about your wedding.

Right, true. I kept wanting to avoid tension and try to make everybody happy, but I think it's like, it's gonna have to have a talk with him. Just because I don't want my fiance to have to like not do something over something that's just so like not silly,

but just over, you know, my dad getting aggravated at us and everything. Different beliefs. Yeah, listen, like nothingated at us and everything. Different beliefs, yeah. Listen, like nothing pisses me off more than people saying, well, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you. Right. You know, to me that's being dishonest and lying. Yeah.

Now granted, I don't know if that your dad feels the same way. Yeah, I don't know. But at some point, I just would think that your dad would prefer an honest relationship with your daughter. I'm willing to bet when you first tell him, you're immediately gonna regret that you told him. Yeah, I think so too. Because his reaction will probably be strong.

But you have to work through that discomfort to get to the other side. But you have to stand your ground. You can disagree with someone and still validate their concerns. You can still empathize with someone and disagree with them. You can understand why it's upsetting to them and still say, but yet I feel differently

and I hope that's okay. I don't know. I don't know if I should go about it like me and my fiance talk to him or talk to him separately. Or the reason why I've never even told him my fiance to drink is because I knew he's very judgmental, so he would have judged him

based off of that first off. You gotta own this on your own. Exactly. Yeah. You drink. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much. I mean, I'm hoping not a ton, but you drink. You drink. Sometimes you drink. That's fine.

Yeah. You know, you can say we drink, but you have to own that it's you because you don't want your dad to think that your fiance got you to drink. Right, that's true. Or that you are fighting your fiance's fight for him. This is about your ability to be more honest with your dad about who you are, because I am guessing you drinking

isn't the only decision you're making as an adult that he might not totally agree with. Yeah, it definitely isn't. Again, what kind of relationship do you wanna have with your dad? An honest one that includes him being disappointed from time to time, but you standing your ground and enforcing your boundaries and leading with love

and allowing him to go through his emotions and get mad and be disappointed or get sad and shaming you and guilting you and kind of working through it, you know, not letting that trigger you and understanding that he is processing it, he's going through it. You know, I love you, dad. It's okay. I understand you're frustrated. I get why you're frustrated. Nevertheless, this is my decision. I'm confident in my decision. And despite your disappointment, this is my decision. I'm confident in my decision. And despite your disappointment, this is a decision I'm going to make. And I hope that if nothing else, whether you agree with it or not, you still love me as the

same way you did before. Yeah, I definitely think it'll take him some time. I don't know if he'll even talk to me for a while probably because the way he feels so strong. Probably not. Yeah, listen, I don't know how your dad's going to grieve, but it will be, he will have to go through some grief about this. Yeah, it'll be hard. So allow him to grieve and don't take it so personally. And while he's grieving, you can still let him know how much you love him. And you can still let him know how important a relationship is to you. That's really good advice. And when your dad tries to shame you and say, well, if you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me, stand your ground and be like, well, that's not true, dad.

I don't have to agree with everything you do to love you. Yeah. I don't, yeah, I don't really know where it stems from with him and alcohol other than just like the religion, like I said, in growing up, but hopefully he'll understand or at least get to a place of understanding to agree to disagree. Cause we were like that on a lot of subjects. Um, but I've just never brought that up because of the way he feels so strongly about it, I just didn't even want to like, just even bring it up to that.

Tell your dad, listen, I want to be able to, I want to be able to respect your strong beliefs without having to hide who I am. Yeah. Yeah. It is really hard. Cause you know, you just feel so guilty when you do things when I was younger. But then I got older and I was like, well, if they don't know, what he doesn't know won't hurt them, which is not a good mindset to have, obviously.

But that's just kind of how I've been for the past few years. You say, Dad, I'm coming to this because I care about our relationship and I'd rather have an honest relationship with you rather than hide the choices I'm making out of fear of disappointing you. Yeah, yeah. I would definitely talk to you. And either way, I'm gonna go live my life. And like, does your dad really think that every decision you make,

do you call up your dad and ask for permission like he used to when you were a kid? No, yeah. He's just a very close-minded person. So we just, like I said- It's okay, let him be close-minded. Yeah. But, you know, be closed-minded. Yeah. But, you know, be honest with them.

Yeah. You're not giving them any reason to be less closed-minded because you're pretending to be as closed-minded as him. I was raised very Catholic, very conservative, and my, you know, my parents had 11 kids, and through all, they had so many kids that my parents, you know, thankfully, I'm glad, I'm grateful that they've learned a lot through their kids but they had kids who

were willing to push back right you know and part of it is because my parents were probably you know you know well maybe a little more open-minded but like honestly like my parents were pretty hardcore when I was a kid yeah you know we educated them and and we introduced new ideas to them and through you know my parents had to make a choice. Do I want to be right or do I want to have a relationship with my kid? Yeah, no, I'm the oldest. So I just feel like I'm always having to like go

and do things and then, I don't know. It's just a learning process, I feel like. It is. And there's tough parts of being the eldest and I'm sure you're the youngest ones will complain about being the youngest too. But you know, we have to deal with what we, what we have. So,

yeah, I'll definitely talk to him and try to see what he says. And if, uh, if, I don't know if he gets mad, if I even should do the alcohol at the party, like I know at the end of the day we're growing and we should make our decisions, but I do want him to be there. And I just don't want to cause tension or it to be something that I have to worry about on my wedding day of him being aggravated or not showing up or even having family that just don't feel like- Is your dad really going to miss your wedding over alcohol?

He might. I mean, like he's very strongly against it. And it's even not just me. Like I have friends that have the same thing with their dad. I don't know what it is about like where we grew up or just like the area that we live in, but people are just very like close-minded. I feel like. And I'm sure it's everywhere. I'm sure people have these same problems. But alcohol can be a very destructive drug and alcohol has ruined a lot of people's lives. So like, you know, I don't fault anyone for

having a strong opinion about it. But when used responsibly, it can be a lot of fun and great. And some people struggle with that. So, you know, he is entitled to think and feel however he wants. You're not here to tell him he's wrong or you're not there to change his mind. This is about being honest with your dad

and having him get to know who his real daughter is and accept her decisions. Your dad might be close-minded, but I doubt your dad's that naive. Maybe not, I don't know. I guess I don't even know exactly how he would react because I haven't brought it up. So I think I'm just gonna have to have the conversation

with them and hope for the best. At some point, you're gonna have to be willing to disappoint your parents. Unfortunately, you're talking to a guy who just didn't give a shit. Right, yeah. So that's how my fiance is. His family is very, he just didn't give a shit. Right, yeah, so that's how my fiance is. His family is very, he just didn't give a shit growing up

and so they're like, whatever, and so me growing up completely different. I cared very much about what my parents thought when I was a kid. Really? And I was very much afraid of my parents, yeah. But once I turned 18, I think part of it was how my parents raised me, but once I turned 18, I was just like, I'm an adult

and I'm gonna make decisions for myself. And I felt good about my decisions and I was really thankful that my parents prioritized my character growing up. And I felt good about my choices. And I was okay with people disagreeing with my choices, even my parents. And so whether it was political beliefs

or whatever it was, I was willing to share with my parents about things that I didn't always align with their beliefs. And but I just I was confident in my decisions. So saying I didn't give a shit wasn't quite accurate, but like it just, I just was never worried about my parents not loving me. Yeah. I understand that. Yeah, I think, I mean, there's a lot of things that I can bring up and agree to disagree with them, but for some reason, this has

always been like a topic that like I just like leave alone and don't bring up. It's tough, but at some point you're just gonna have to jump in the pool. Yeah, just go for it. All right, well keep us posted how it goes. We would certainly love an update because obviously we know how challenging this can be and this might take several conversations. So let us know what you decide to do. And if you look for more advice down the line, let us know. And either way, we'd love an update.

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every time I travel. Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Do you travel regardless of his threats? I do. I go places a lot. Most weekends, and I travel for work sometimes, and I like all the time would like him to come with me, but it's not really possible.

And then I get a lot of guilt for going anyway. What is not possible about it? Money. Okay, you just can't afford it? Yeah. Gotcha. It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. Honestly, it really is.

It's like the best relationship ever. It's just this fear of abandonment stuff. I'm sorry that you feel like this is the best relationship ever. I mean, I don't know, how serious are you? Like are you, he legit threatens to kill himself every time you travel? Every time there's some sort of crisis and...

Like how, can you give me an example of how he would make that threat? Disappearing for a long time and then reaching out and I'm upset because he like didn't talk to me for like two days on away and then so he will in addition to threatening you he will disappear on you. Yeah.

Gotcha. Yeah. How really tough. Yeah. How many relationships have you had? I've had a lot of relationships. And this one's the best? Yeah. He's really special. He's a very special person. What makes him special?

The way that he sees the world and cares about people. And he's the funniest person and most comforting person I've ever met in my whole life. Like I have dated a fuck ton of people and he's just been my favorite partner. Okay, I mean, have all your relationships been bad? No, no, I'm on good terms with like pretty much all of my exes except one, you know, ever since I was like 14, 15. Do you appreciate how you sound to me or are coming across?

I mean, again, to me, someone who, A, makes threats about killing themselves is a very serious thing and very scary to deal with. And two, disappearing on you deliberately to elicit a response, I'm guessing, basically he wants to scare you. To me that is incredibly toxic, borderlining on abusive, given that he is doing this on purpose

because he's angry at you. I think I should amend this because he's angry at you. I think I should amend this. He's not threatening me that he's gonna kill himself because I'm leaving. It's every time I go away, something happens that he like, I don't hear from him. And then when I hear from him,

it's like his whole world is ending. And he, you know, I can't be mad that he didn't talk to me because he almost killed himself this morning and is going through this and doesn't know if he can do this and like wasn't like expecting to be dating someone who would be leaving all the time. I appreciate you amending it and adding context.

I'm no less concerned. I'm hearing this from your mouth. So everything I know about you and your relationship and your boyfriend is what I've learned in the past couple of minutes. And I'm just repeating back to you what I'm hearing. And again, either what I'm hearing is either your boyfriend is suffering from some kind

of mental health crisis and or he is being again it's it's borderlining on emotionally it's it's it's very controlling it's very manipulative he has borderline personality disorder yeah okay yeah that's tough yeah how do you how do you deal with that? Patience and empathy and trying not to escalate things and not taking it personally. I try to just trust in our relationship. He never treats me badly, but he has this mental illness that I can choose to let it affect our relationship, but he kind of always like switches back off and comes back normal and is like, I'm sorry I overreacted that like, you know, it's like a different person. Yeah.

I mean, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with that. And I can appreciate the challenge because obviously you love and care about this person and you clearly see a lot of good in him. I don't't know, you know, I don't unfortunately I don't I feel like this is almost beyond my my like Scope, you know, like I have no idea I don't know I know nothing about borderline personality disorder. And so I I don't even know how I could Offer you I don't know how I could tell you I don't even know how I could offer you. I don't know how I could tell you how to deal with that. The only thing I feel comfortable saying is that

despite your love for him as a person, how old are you again, 29? 29? Is that for your own, what do you want for yourself in your future? What are your personal goals and dreams as it relates to both as an individual and your relationship goals?

Well, my relationship goals are definitely like monogamy and partnership in a certain way and he like fulfills those needs that I haven't fully found in other relationships. Like it's totally like life is really hard. And then when we come into our relationship, it's just like a break from it all. And it's beautiful and it's fun and it's caring

and it's really special. And for myself, my life, like I wanna see the world. I wanna experience the world. You wanna travel, yeah. Do you wanna have kids someday? I don't know. Okay, so you don't know. Yeah, it's not, I don't know, it's not a yes or no.

Okay, all right. Well, that's at least helpful. I mean, because if you were to say yes, I absolutely want to have kids, then I think it would be important for you to consider what having kids with him would be like. And that sounds harsh maybe, unromantic I'm sure, but I think we can love people and care about people

and I think we can love aspects of a relationship with people. And I think we can also simultaneously realize that maybe they're not the best people for us. Yeah, I'm like in this place where I'm like, I know that I'm gonna get hurt or be hurting one way or another, but I'm, it hasn't, like, I'm still okay with that. Like I've like fallen in and out of love so many times that I know that like every time

I feel like I've been never gonna be okay, I always am and I always fall in love again. So I feel really patient, but at the same time, like it's driving me crazy. Yeah. Well, I love that for you, that you have had enough of relationships. No, I'm serious. You have something that a lot of people, especially your age don't have,

which is the experience of knowing that as painful as heartbreak is, that you'll get over it and that you can find new love. Because there's a lot of people who don't have that experience or maybe they've never had the blessings of being in love or they're in their first relationship. And I don't know when your first love happened, but I bet it was a motherfucker getting over. Because when you fall in love for the first time, you literally don't know that you can get over it because you haven't yet.

And then once you do, it doesn't make getting your heart broken in the future any less painful, but at least deep down, you know, I don't know when this will pass, but it will pass. And that is a gift that I don't think most people fully appreciate. So I mean it when I say I'm really happy that you have that mindset.

Thank you. Yeah. What is your partner doing to help address his mental health problems? He's trying really hard to like trust me and be. I guess that's not what I mean. I mean, is he doing anything like actively, whether it's therapy, whether it's medication, you know, like borderline personality disorder,

I don't know anything about it, but it sounds like a pretty serious thing that requires some kind of treatment. And maybe there are a variety of treatment options, but trying isn't one of them. I see him taking steps. I have, this is how I've explained it to friends. Basically, you have this thing and it affects your life

and it realistically turns you into an asshole. And you're like, this is just who I am. And then time goes on and he comes in and out of it and it's not who he is. And I think that, you know, his last relationship was four years long. And like, she fed him and like instigated and got him angrier and angrier. And I'm just like, patient. I just like, wait, I'm like, okay, like, go home, we'll talk when you're calm. And I think it has allowed him to get to the other side of these like meltdowns. And that's new. And now I'm like hoping the next thing is like, you know, therapy,

or I don't know, I see change. And I'm hopeful, you know, even just being open to like trusting Just being open to like trusting me is huge. I feel like. Sure. But I think two things. One, he's open to trusting me. How long you been dating this guy? It's only been six months. Okay.

Well, you've been in a relationship with a guy for six months. You're 29 years old and you're hoping he trusts you or optimistic that he's trying to. Yeah, trust is a leap of faith. Some people don't know how to just do it. No, I know, but that also might be a sign that they're not emotionally capable of being in a serious relationship. That's fair. Yeah. And as I always say, which I think a lot of people don't subscribe to or even realize,

that hope is not something you want in a relationship. All hope is in a relationship is a signal of what you don't have. Yeah, I mean, in this case, it is. I don't know, I wanna be with him and see this through. I don't know, like, I don't know. I don't know how to. through. I don't know. I don't know how to convince the woman they just have to trust. Convince who? Me or him?

No, my boyfriend. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you are treating non-negotiables like pet peeves. I asked you what do you want for yourself personally and the first thing you said is, I really wanna travel and see the world. That is important to you. And he is not down for that. He's not interested in being a part of it and he's not interested in supporting you.

So you are faced with either choosing the relationship or choosing something that's deeply important to you as a person. I don't know how sustainable that is. How long are you willing to give up? I mean, you're not giving it up. You're still choosing to travel. And, you know, as someone who is struggling,

you know, just hear something that might, it might sound a little harsh, but there is some truth to it. You recognize that your boyfriend struggles with mental health problems, right? You wanna travel, right? You're choosing to be with your boyfriend, but you're still not willing to not travel.

So you choosing to travel is triggering for your boyfriend who struggles with mental health problems. So every time you travel, you are risking your boyfriend from having a mental health breakdown. And now, well, I don't think you should stop traveling, but your determination to stay in this relationship, even though the signals and the facts, I guess, of the relationship greatly scream a lack of compatibility. And it's kind of almost selfish for you to stay in this relationship knowing that what's

most important for you is incredibly triggering for him. And it would be one thing even if he wasn't struggling with a mental health problem, but you're talking about a guy who doesn't know how to cope and emotionally regulate. And so he has these mental health breakdowns because you're still choosing to travel. Yeah. I'm definitely like open to both worlds where we can make it work and he goes through these things and then on the other side is like,

I feel better because you're back or where we break up because I don't wanna be selfish. And I think that me and him could have a conversation about that. I also wanna consider his side of things. How would you like? I'm just saying as much as you love him and really love a lot of aspects of a relationship with him,

you can't completely change who you are as a person for the relationship. I totally see what you're saying. And I agree with you. Like I think that me and him can have like a mature conversation about the logistics of this. I am open to talking to him about like, do you think we should break up if I'm like I'm gonna do this? Do you think this is a good idea? It's the healthiest thing. Like I want that to be a conversation we have if that like I don't but I don't I don't know how to have that conversation. Yeah I mean I don't know. Because obviously if I say like do you think we

should break up because I'm still gonna travel he's gonna that fear of abandonment. Yeah yeah he'll be like wait you want think we should break up? Cause I'm still going to travel. He's going to that fear of abandonment. Yeah. He'll be like, wait, you want to break up with me? He's yeah. Yeah. Well, you're in a pickle for sure. And again, I, I, I'm not an expert in this. And so I can only offer so much advice.

You know, I don't know how to deal. With someone who struggles with what he's struggling with. So I couldn't even begin to offer you advice. I can only empathize with you and recognize that he's struggling with. So I couldn't even begin to offer you advice. I can only empathize with you and recognize that it's a challenge. And there's probably, my guess is there's no perfect way to bring it up, you know? Yeah.

And my guess is you're trying to have a conversation that he's not capable of having. He would just say no. Like I would ask the question, and he would like, I would be like, you know, do you think that it makes more sense for us to like just break up since I'm gonna travel? And he would just be like, no,

that doesn't make sense to me. But back to what is he doing for himself to help with his mental health struggles? Because he can't just- I mean, realistically. Sounds like nothing. Yeah, like trying not to like drink and do drugs. Okay.

Well, yeah. So one, he needs to stop drinking, doing drugs. And if he's going to do any drugs, it might, might need medication to help him. You know, regulate his, I don't know if there's medication out there for this. I don't know anything about borderline personality disorder other than just recognizing, I think it can be a big challenge. But therapy, if he does have abandonment issues, therapy can help with that. I don't know what trauma he's had, guessing probably a lot. And if he's never worked through that trauma, I mean,

again, my biggest takeaway is I think you love someone who's not emotionally capable of being in the type of relationship that you want. That's my big takeaway. And I think as long as you try to maintain this relationship, all while fulfilling your personal needs as someone who wants to travel, which I think you're more than entitled to, I do think it's kind of selfish of you to try to make this relationship work, recognizing that you are trying to make a relationship work with someone who's not capable of being in one and who's probably not emotionally mature enough to know that. How would you nudge your boyfriend towards therapy?

I mean, does he know he suffers from borderline personality disorder? Yes. Okay. Yeah, he told me. It's very much a challenge in his life and he works really hard to not let it ruin our relationship. He can't say he works really hard to not let it like ruin our relationship. Well, he can't say he works really hard while simultaneously not even being willing to consider

therapy. I think he'll, I mean, he is willing to consider it. It's just- Smoking weed and not drinking alcohol is not the most he can do. Fair. That's fair. And despite having a borderline personality disorder, he must recognize when he calms down that making you feel like he might kill himself every time you travel isn't fair to you or healthy

or okay and I hope that he can recognize that. You would think he'd want to try anything. Yeah, I mean that's where the emotional maturity piece comes in. How old is he? He's 26. Okay, I feel for you, because my gut tells me that he's not your guy. And I don't doubt that he is a beautiful soul and there's a lot to love about him.

And I don't doubt you care about him. And I'm sure all those feelings are incredibly valid and real. But sometimes we can love people who aren't our person and who aren't right for us. And my instinct tells me he's not going to be able to do this while he's in a relationship with you. And more than anything, you're a trigger. Love can be a trigger. I know it's sad. I'm really sorry. No, he's always like, I don't want to hurt you. I'm like, well, to love is to hurt. I know that I'm going to hurt. sorry. No, he's always like, I don't want to hurt you. I'm like, well, to love is to hurt. I know that I'm going to hurt.

Yeah, but like right now you're kind of doing the thing that I was notorious for. You know, you're a little bit of a love martyr because it's, you know, you're justifying both of your pain for the love and you are giving your love too much credit. Yeah, but it's the best part of being alive. Being in love? Sure, for sure. But you can Being in love, sure, for sure.

But you can be in love without causing so much pain. That's a lot to think about. Yeah, I'm sorry, I know it's really hard. You have very difficult choices to make and none of them are very good ones. But I do think you can learn from them. I do think maybe there is a future for you guys, but maybe not right now.

And I think if you really care about this person, I think you would recognize that this relationship isn't good for him because it's way too triggering. And while you are emotionally capable of handling maybe his breakdowns, I mean, he might not be. I mean, do you ever consider the possibility that one day he might not be bluffing? No, I have definitely considered that.

I mean, he is a better person dating me though, like just healthier, better to his body. Yeah, I have no doubt that you do your best to be there for him and you've probably have had some lot of positive impacts on him. But from what you're telling me is that the intensity of the relationship is too much for him to handle. Yeah, that's valid.

And if he's not willing to do the bare minimum to help himself, then it's tough for you to consider to maintain this relationship. Because you're either gonna have to deny who you wanna be, which it doesn't sound like you're willing to do. And if you were, I would question that. Yeah, I mean, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I said that to him. I was like, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I said that to him.

I was like, what are we supposed to spend every single day for the rest of our lives together until we die? Like we have to go places, have to do things. Well, I want it to be a conversation. Like I'm definitely not like in my heart and right now I'm not like it needs to be a conversation. I wouldn't just leave him. I don't want to either.

I don't want to give him the opportunity to. It's obvious you don't want to, and it's understandable. And yes, this is a very difficult decision because this would be you making a very selfless choice to walk away with someone, knowing it would cause him short-term pain, but realizing that it's what's best for both you long-term. I mean that's a very difficult thing to do and you would be losing something too because clearly

he offers a lot of positive things in your life and you know you love him and you care about him and he's brought you a lot of joy and in a lot of aspects it sounds like you've had the best relationship ever had with him but at what cost and I recognize your desire to have a conversation with him because that seems like the right thing to do and the adult thing to do and the mature thing to do, but I'm just pointing out from what you're telling me, it sounds like you're also hoping

that you can get on the same page with him. And I think- Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah, but I think you have to be realistic in expecting that he's not capable of doing that. At the end of the day, whether you have a conversation about this or not, you're still gonna probably have to make

the difficult decision on your own. And it will cause him short-term pain. I'm not ready yet. I know, yeah. Which is selfish. Yeah, it's tough. You're in a tough position. Yeah.

I think where you maybe have some maturing and growing up to do, if you don't mind saying what you called, so I'm just gonna say it, is not being that love martyr, not romanticizing love so much that you praise toxicity and you accept toxicity and you wanting to be enough for him, enough for him to want to change or your love that you guys share, you want that to be enough and that's just kind of childish and a little...

Well, I don't praise toxicity, like I do think our like... I know not outwardly, I'm just saying by you accepting this type of behavior and making excuses for it... Yeah....is you making excuses for it, is you kind of praising it, you know? And the- I tend to compromise myself for, yeah. I'm a giver. To a certain degree. Like I would like give a lot of myself away to-

But you are again, also being selfish. You recognize that and that's okay. I don't think that's, I'm glad you're traveling to be clear thank you me too such a weird balance like I've never had like this dynamic it's really interesting yeah I appreciate you I'm sorry I didn't have like an outward question this is like wild to process out loud with you it's like the most unique relationship dynamic of any kind in my life right now.

In my whole life I've ever, like, you know, it's wild. When you say the word unique, I feel like that's like a subconscious choice to not fully acknowledge what your relationship is because unique sounds cool. Unique sounds special. No, I deserve to not be dealing with this. Like I, all my friends are like not team boyfriend. Like they're like that. You don't deserve this because I've been single for years and I'm very patient and I have like long relationships and I do leave my relationships on like good kind terms. Like this is, you know, like I care about people and yeah and I and I'm pretty calm and I'm not like high stress. It's weird to me to be experiencing

this like love where I'm like I he's like it's this is worth it to deal with this. It says a lot about him. I mean he's a really like really special person. Yeah, I don't doubt that he is. But you ending this relationship and coming to the decision that maybe this isn't the best relationship for either of you doesn't make him less of a special person. Yeah, that's true. And it doesn't mean he doesn't have things to work on. He can be a special person and still not capable of being in this relationship. And he can be a special person and still be not compatible for you. Yeah. At a minimum, I don't think it doesn't like this guy should be in a serious relationship,

but if he is, he should definitely date someone who doesn't ever want to leave and date a homebody. That's wild. Yeah. But he wants to leave, you know, he has dreams, but And he wants to leave, you know, he has dreams, but his stance is that like, yeah, but I don't. Yeah, but I'm not going anywhere. I don't really understand that logic, but. Well, work and money, you know, I'm very lucky. Sure. I'm very lucky that I can do things.

Sure, and he's only 26, so like, yeah, his traveling might be way in the future. Most men mature slower than women. It's pretty acceptable stereotype these days. And you're dating someone who's three years younger than you and struggles with a mental health problem. It makes me feel like I can be really patient. Like I'm like, when he's 29,

he's gonna be the fucking bomb.com. Not if he doesn't deal with his problems and he's not dealing with them now. You can't muscle your way through a mental health problem. And that seems like what he's trying to do. Yeah, you're right. And at some point his toxic, borderlining, abusive behavior,

regardless of his mental health problem, isn't an excuse. Yeah, yeah. It certainly doesn't justify you accepting it. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's how I took that. Like, whatever. You know, it's kind of like, I'm not accusing your boyfriend of doing anything nefarious or, you know, whatever,

but like, let's say the person who struggles with a mental health problem that causes them to do terrible things, like say murder, they may not go to prison, but they still go to a mental health facility because they're still a danger to society. And while I know that's an extreme example, but I guess my point is is like your boyfriend might struggle with a mental health problem, but how he acts when he's triggered when you travel still isn't okay. And it's still not safe or healthy for you to be in that type of environment where you are literally being threatened with his life

for you simply demonstrating some independence. Yeah, you're right. I mean, therapy to start for, but I don't know. Again, this guy has a long way to go and therapy doesn't happen overnight. Certainly the benefits of it. Yeah, I hear you. And again, to me, more than anything,

you sound like a trigger for him. Can't I just like ask if I am? How would he know the difference? Would you ask a kid if they think they should have more sugar? Yeah, I hear you. I don't know. Yeah, no, I wouldn't ask a kid that.

Well, asking someone with a mental health problem, if they're capable of handling certain things, chances are they're not capable of fully being honest with themselves. Most people who don't have mental health problems are capable of being honest with themselves. So yeah, I don't expect him to make the very difficult, emotionally mature decision to recognize his inability to be in this relationship. That's a hard pill to swallow. There's so many sides to this coin. I don't think there's as many sides as you want to believe.

I think it's fairly simple, but I understand the feelings you have, but I don't think it's complicated. I just think it's difficult. And it's really difficult. Yeah. And I think through its difficultness, you're trying to make it seem more complicated than it is. You don't want to make the choice that deep down, you know you're probably going to have to make. You're just procrastinating it,

and you're doing that by over-complicating something that isn't that complicated. Is it bad to procrastinate? I mean, it's human. Yeah. It's just recognizing that you're probably not going to get where you want to be from a happiness standpoint in this relationship and everything else is just going to be a bunch of band-aids and again big picture wise you recognizing that it's

actually kind of selfish for you to be in this relationship and then again I don't know how serious his struggles are or how serious his threats are, but I would hate for you to find out the wrong way. Yeah. That being said, I doubt you ending the relationship is going to be easy on him, but that's a decision you might have to make. Yeah. Yeah, you've thoroughly filled my mind. Thank you.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Obviously not fun. I empathize with the challenges you face, but yeah, listen, if you really love him, I think maybe the best thing for him is to let him go. I know, it's not really the first time that's come into my head. And I hope for his sake, he's willing to do some about it.

Yeah, thank you. All right, well, I'm sorry. Please keep us posted. We would certainly love an update on what you end up doing and what you decide to do some about it. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Well, I'm sorry. Please keep us posted. We would certainly love an update on what you end up doing and what you decide to do. Yeah, I have no idea if it will be a one or, yeah, I'll let you know. Damn.

Well, just remember, if you ever decide to have this conversation or these conversations, you have to be realistic and honest. And it sounds like you having your mind, this idea that you're gonna be able to talk through this with him, with someone who's not capable of doing that. I think you're setting you both up for failure

and disappointment. Yeah, I might be. Again, you're gonna have to see him for who he really is. You're using the child analogy. Wouldn't it be kind of torture to make a kid make certain decisions for themselves when they don't have the ability to make those decisions? Yeah. And again, when you do that with a child, they still might throw a fit and have a temper tantrum and act out because they're not getting what they think they want.

But sometimes as adults, we know better. And granted, he's not a child and I get it, but if he's someone who really struggles with processing these emotions, then his emotional maturity might be likened to a child. And maybe that's kind of the part that you love about him, the innocence that he has. You empathize with the fact that he can't help himself. And so it glorifies the goodness that you've about him, the innocence that he has. You know, you empathize with the fact that he can't help himself. And so it glorifies the goodness that you see in him. And it sucks, you know? It's not his fault he has a mental health problem.

And that's sad for him, you know? That's sad. It is. I mean, he's like, amazing. I really do have a lot of empathy. And on the other side of these like meltdowns it's always like damn I'm sorry like I don't want to lose you. I felt like it's my like how much am I willing to go through but it is selfish like I am like it is like very painful to him. Yeah it's tough. Yeah. All right, lots to think about.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this, but. Thanks, Nick. All right, take care. Keep us posted. I will, have a good one. You too, bye-bye. Bye.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send us those questions at asknickofthevilefiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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