The Viall Files - E779 Ask Nick - She Stole My Ex, and My Bouquet

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a written Ask Nick about Hot Tubs. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller’s boyfriend has an unrequited crush. Our second caller wants to remove the bouquet girl out of the wedding video. And, our third caller’s sister came out of the closet and doesn't want to speak to her. "Why do you care?" Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  Apostrophe - Get your first visit for only $5 at https://www.Apostrophe.com/VIALL when you use our code: VIALL. That’s a savings of $15! Ritual - See for yourself with 25% off your first month for a limited time at https://www.Ritual.com/VIALL  FirstLeaf - Go to https://www.TryFirstleaf.com/VIALL  to sign up and you’ll get your first SIX handpicked bottles for just $44.95 Vuori - happiness. For our listeners, they are offering 20% off your FIRST purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at https://www.vuori.com/VIALL Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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to show up as your original self. Altoids has you covered. They're not just mints. They're curiously strong mints. Find Altoids in the checkout aisles. Grab your 10 today. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another electric episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick.

We got Scooter, we got sweet boy Justin. Scooter is about to scoot scoot into the hospital. I am about to scoot away. Wait, when does this episode come out? Next Monday? This Monday, coming Monday. You'll probably still be with us. I'll still be here on Monday. Well, we'll see. Hopefully.

Hopefully. Hopefully. Listen, whenever it's all, we're sad to see you go. I'm a little scared. No, we'll be good. We'll see. We'll be fine. We'll be fine.

We'll be fine. I don't want you to stress. You have more important issues. What did people think about work-wife-husband conversation? A lot of people were saying that it's unnecessary to put a work before everything. This is a funny comment that I saw where they said, why don't we just go to work and drop the work-wife,

work-husband, work-mom, work-dad, work-daughter, work-son. Thank you. Kind of sounds ridiculous. So they actually agreed with me on this one. Yeah. Well, some people did and some people. I feel like it comes to the ass, Nick, you know, like people come in and listen to my advice.

And like, I'm sure a lot of people disagree with me all the time, but I think lots of times we're aligned, listeners and me. But when it comes to like our debates and our intros, I feel like- It's all over them now. We get a little messy.

Yeah. Who disagreed? There were people who thought you were a little sensitive. And some people said it was not that serious. Like to say like work mom, work dad. Like it's not that deep, it's fine. What do you mean by sensitive? It's just a term, it's a joke.

Not like sensitive. Just thinking too deep. I'm putting words in their mouth, but like, yeah. Making something out of nothing. I mean, I guess. Would it end up be alarming if Danny was just all of a sudden and you started hearing someone's name more and more and all of a sudden you're like, yeah, that's my work wife.

He definitely has a work wife. Does he, by whose standards? I wife. He definitely has a work wife. Does he, by whose standards? I would say that he has a work wife. Fine, you would say, because you clear, but you know her and you're comfortable with her. Yeah, yeah, she's one of my closest friends.

Okay, yes, that's totally different. You are allowed to joke about that. But he's not allowed to say it. Well, I mean, he can do it every once, your relationship, but I think if out of nowhere, he brought it up, I mean, you can do whatever you want. It's your relationship. But I think if out of nowhere, he brought it up, I mean, it's just, okay. No, I think it has to be that everyone's on the same page.

Like everybody's making a joke out of it. It can't just be a private work husband that you're- I mean, it's not that serious until it is. Exactly, yeah. You know, it's kind of like, and to that person, it's like, what is the point? Prefensi. It's just like silly ha ha, you know? Well, because we were just talking about it now even.

Like I decided Justin is my work brother, not my work husband. Allison is my work husband and Kyle's my work son. Okay. It's a whole family. It's a household. Yeah, we are a household. We have to have, who's the household?

Who's the mom and dad? Who are the kids? Well, the hour and I dad then? Yeah. Daddy V, yeah. Or grandpa. You and Natalie are mom and dad. Work wife and husband.

Sierra's the cousin. Sister-in-law. Who comes and lives with us sometimes. It's not that serious comments of no shit. I mean. No, yeah, yeah. I guess it just depends. I guess we're just trying to identify

whether potential red flags. Yeah, no, I think it can get messy. Here's how to sum it up. If you are in a relationship and you have a partner who refers to someone as a work wife or work husband and you're asking yourself if you have the right for it to bother you in any way, 100% of the time the answer is yes. For other people who are like I don't care like you, that isn't about you. That's what most of our questions are.

It's just like should this bother me? You know I see other people having it and they don't think it's a big deal but it bothers me or whatever. Like then yes it's a potential red flag and therefore like don't let the people who- You can't compare your situation. Who like say, oh, I have a work husband or brother and it's a nothing thing. It's like, oh, okay. You know, every situation is different.

So that's summing up. There you go. There you go. Well, we do have a writer in there. All right, yeah. So this writer in her writes in with the headline, he always wants to hot tub question mark. She says- What's the problem? She says headline, he always wants to hot tub, question mark. She says.

What's the problem? She says. We know you like to hot tub. So she said, hi Nick, I need some help. I've lived across from my neighbor, Mr. Hot Tub for the past year. It started with late night texts from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. to go hot tub either on weekends or weeknights.

He has asked me at least 10 times in the past four months and knowing him, he has never made plans with me, just always has reached out spontaneously the day of, often never pulling through with making the plans. I called him out on wanting to only hang when he's bored, and he's recently started to send me more snapchats that appear to be more specific to me, just places he's at. Now I'm getting shower heads. I've started to tease him and now things are getting spicier or flirty and

As a good-looking guy I assume he has and is talking to a lot of girls But part of me wonders if I could be misjudging him and myself sabotaging here or is mr Hot tub a typical class a fuckboy. Yeah, but what would she be self-sabotaging? Recap yeah her neighbor. Mr. Hot tub. Mr. Hot tub is seemingly a single eligible bachelor Yes, and the only communication she's had with mr. Hot tub is invitations to hot tub Well, and now she's getting showerhead pictures showerhead pictures or and and potentially flirty spicy Snapchats. Yes, have they Had sex yet. No, nothing's happened.

Okay. What is, like, what is she self-sabotaging? She's into him. I think that's clear. So I think she's wondering if her, like, thinking this is like a fuckboy move would be her self-sabotaging when he could just be inviting her over to the hot tub. I'm reading into that, but I'm assuming that could be the self-sabotage part. Listen, guys are always, even the good ones, are trying to find what they think might be clever,

but often are just obvious ways to like, you know, see you in a bathing suit or set the mood for a potential hookup situation. You know, it's hookup culture. And that's what this is. He wants to see how down you are, especially in a world of casual sex. It's like, you know, a lot of guys aren't good at just being direct,

where it's just like, do you wanna hook up? Yes or no? No? Okay, fine. Yes? Great. It's also gonna be a little awkward or off-putting. I feel like a lot of ladies want almost the coyness, or they don't want a guy.

They want Rob. What do you mean? Like they don't want somebody who's just gonna be direct. Yeah, they don't want a guy. They want Rob. What do you mean? Like they don't want somebody who's just gonna be direct. Yeah, they don't want a guy. I find that like direct. Someone hard to read and what do you want? Yeah, well it's more like,

well I'm asking the ladies out there. Here you go. Who knows what do I know? Fuck me. Ladies, here's this Mr. Hot Tub. Would you rather have this guy be like, hey, I'm gonna keep it real with you. Honestly, I think you're beautiful and hot.

I'm not looking for a relationship. I was just wondering if you wanted to like hook up and I'm definitely not looking for a relationship. But if you're down, let me know, come on over. Up front expectations, you absolutely know where you stand. Now you have the agency to be like, do I wanna fuck this guy or not? Like either way, we're not gonna date.

You absolutely know where you're standing. Or would you rather have a guy like either way he were not gonna date. You absolutely know your stand. Or would you rather have a guy at least kind of give the illusion of romance so that you don't feel like you are, you know. I think part of it, and let me ask you this, it is, and if you answer like you kind of want him to allude to or setting the tone,

is it because society unfairly has a double standard against women versus men when it comes to casual sex? And is it easier for you to have him like set the tone? Is it not just an obvious hookup culture because it's the mood because you don't want to judge yourself or feel like it was too easy? Or do you just like kind of the romance of it all and you want the unknown? It's like, is he asking me over to hot tub

or is he gonna make the move? How is this all gonna go down? It is kind of awkward. I think even couples, right? You have a baby, life is hard, you're busy, you get tired. And I know like Jade and Tanner, friends of mine, right? I know they have joked in the past. I haven't checked in with them in a while,

but they're like, we have to schedule, we schedule sex. We're busy, we got three fucking kids. But I guess my point is like, even for married couples, you'd be like, all right, we're gonna schedule sex now. It's like, it's clunky. It takes kind of the magic away. Well, it's clunky, you know, it's like, I guess do we start, do I, you, should you, you know,

you want to be romanced a little bit. So how do you do that in a hookup situation where the guy wants to be upfront and honest and like, hey, I just want to keep it real, I'm not looking for this while, you know, not diffusing the excitement or the magic or whatever. Like what's honestly, cause that's what's going on. He, yes, he wants to fuck.

Assume he just wants to fuck. And the fact that she is responding and he's playing along and like he's not looking, you know, he might turn into something. I don't fucking know, but probably not. Don't get any illusions that there's something there. If he thought you were dating material, he'd ask you on a date.

But do you think that sometimes people will start by saying, I'm not looking for anything, just so that they have a get out of jail free card in case they don't like the person? Like maybe they say that so that they can always call back to, well, you know, when we started, I did mention that I wasn't looking for something. That way, like he gives himself permission to,

okay, if I start catching feelings, great, but like, I've set this expectation so like, I don't have any pressure on it. I'm not really sure I understand your question, but it made me think of something to say, which maybe or maybe not. There's a line in my book, Don't Takes Your Ex Happy Birthday, shameless plug, where I say everyone's fuck boy is someone's future husband or wife. Yes. Most people eventually will get other fuck boy ways, especially now when our society basically says, hey, 15 years ago, you graduated from college and you didn't have to live in the deep south or the Midwest

to like, you know, have the expectation of settling down and, you know, starting your family if that's what you wanted to do. And now in 2024, your 20s are all about being selfish, taking trips, fucking around, hookup culture, yada, yada, yada, right? So this guy clearly is in his fuck boy era. He right now isn't looking for a relationship. Maybe our right-of-inner is going to be, she's going to marry him. But whether it's because it's his neighbor or he just generally is looking for a relationship. Maybe our writer inner is gonna be, she's gonna marry him. But whether it's because it's his neighbor

or he just generally is looking for hookups or maybe he's making assumptions about her that are or aren't accurate or something that he's just like, I mean, she's hot, but I just don't know if this is my person. Just know that's his mindset now. If you wanna go in for the challenge and you want to

see if you can convert this fuckboy, but just know that he is not looking for a relationship. Relationships are not on his mind, no matter what, in this situation. Again, him not seeing her as a potential dating partner right now is not like Tink's box theory or anything like that. I don't really agree with her box theory per se. And her theory is something like Tink's box theory or anything like that. I don't really agree with her box theory per se, and in terms of, and her theory is something like, guys immediately put you in a box. They'll, you know, like, I don't think that's true. They might make assumptions about you,

they don't really know you, you know? And I think a lot of guys, especially in hookup culture, especially if they're in the hookup mindset, will just put everyone in the box of like, this is someone I could fuck, you know? That does answer my question by the way. That does, great. Because essentially, I think all fuck boys,

like they're, I don't, I don't, well, I think some of them like decide, I don't wanna be a fuck boy anymore, I'm dating for real now. They can't get out of fuck boy until they meet the person that pulls them out of it. Yeah, and that person who pulls them out of it is someone who stands out.

Yeah. Someone who can maintain their control and power in this situation. But then on the flip side, I think that there are, you know, there are Fuckboys and there are not Fuckboys, and then there are the people who are attracted to Fuckboys and wanna be the person who changes them, and then there are the people who want the romance

and they want the person who's gonna romance them and is interested in a relationship and actually moving forward. I think he's definitely a fuck boy. If he's texting her from like 11 PM to 1 AM, like I think she knows that part of it. And shower head pictures. Shower head is like, that's an effortless snap

that you can send in. He's just kind of feeling her out. And she keeps kind of responding to her, entertaining it. So what is he trying to figure out? If he was a fuck boy. He's definitely a fuck boy. Is she misjudging him?

I think that he's definitely a fuck boy. I think that it's up to you if you wanna get yourself into this territory. If you're going in understanding that he's a fuck boy and that, you know, not to get your expectations too high here, great if you're just down to have a casual hookup. And if things start moving more in a romantic direction, just have a conversation and a check-in and be like,

so are you looking for a relationship or not? Well, I wouldn't go about it like that. I mean, the way to convert a fuck boy into someone that could be a potential dating material is all about maintaining your power and control in a situation. Agreed. So, let's say for example, she were a surprise

and be like, you know what? I'm down to hot tub tonight. But she knows that there's zero chance anything's gonna happen. She's like, oh yeah. And then somewhere along the line, she could flirtily play, you know, and be like, well, I mean, come on, we know that you're trying to fuck.

That's fine. And fuck with them a little bit. Just fuck with them. Be like, obviously, you think I'm that easy? Come on, you know? But like, I think it's cute. Like, obviously, you're a hot guy. It's like, it's being able to acknowledge the obvious

without like losing control of yourself. Say that they're hot. You know, it's like, you're hot, yeah, of course. You get it all the ladies, that's okay. I honestly, I've had a long day and I thought to myself, I really need a relaxing hot tub. Like you understand the game. Yeah, you gotta play the game.

And you gotta be in control. And you have to not care about the outcome. I think she needs to get it out of her head that this guy is somehow boyfriend material or that she's sabotaging a potential good thing. Right now he is, all he cares about is hooking up. Doesn't make him a bad guy. He's not being, he's clearly being pretty obvious

of his intentions. If he starts saying things, like if you get in the hot tub and he starts saying things that sound like boyfriend stuff or he's getting more serious, and you know, call, you know, then that's kind of a red flag. Turn up the bubbles. You know, it's just like,

it's more comfortable when he's, this guy is safer to be around, the more consistent he is about his obvious fuck boy ways. And the moment, if you play the game, and he starts, you know, giving you glimpses of boyfriend things, that's kind of a red flag at first. It's not a green light to be like, oh, he's changing for me.

It might mean that he was realizing being upfront and being a fuck boy, oh, she found me out. Now I gotta act like a boyfriend. Now I gotta pull the Aaron card. Well, that's why I think that she needs to keep playing the game. Like she needs to let him know that she's aware of what he's doing.

Give him more access to you without giving in to knowing what he actually wants. He wants the sex, he wants to see you naked, he wants you to take his top off, he wants to make out with you, whatever it is, he wants to get spicy. Stop being spicy. Call him silly, laugh, it's laugh.

Nothing is more emasculating to men is the idea that you giggle when they're trying to be serious. Yeah. Or call him cute. Call him cute, whatever. Oh, you're so funny. When he's not trying to be funny, call him funny. Cute is good too.

I think also for her situation, like if he keeps pulling out, just stop responding. Or like don't respond as often. Cause that's her predicament. He just keeps pulling out after making plans. Is he pulling out? And I feel like that's the wrong word phrase. What are you saying?

Pulling out a plan. Flaking. Flaking. She said pulling through. So I just like flipped it, but yeah, flaking on the plans. So like- So they're making plans, he's flaking? That's what she said.

Oh, so he's flaking. She said, often never pulling through with making the plans. I call him out on wanting to only hang when he's bored. Got it, got it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's not interested in making plans. All right, so right now, yeah, so stop replying. And if he asks like, why do you stop replying?

And like, to what? And I guess it does he has he hard, when, when, what does she mean by plans? Like a plan for a date or like, or has, I'm on the impression that he's specifically asked her to come over in hot tub. Yeah, so it's implied the hot tub or the shower. I think eventually she should say yes to the hot tub

and set some very rigid boundaries after she gets in the hot tub, as long as she feels safe around this guy. Yeah, don't enter a body of water with a stranger unless you feel safe with them. Absolutely make sure you feel safe around this guy. You're know him well enough to like, don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation. But if you feel safe around this guy. You're known well enough to like, you know, don't put yourself in a vulnerable

situation, but if you feel safe around this guy, it'd be hilarious to get in the hot tub and then like tell about, Oh my God, I needed this all day. I've had like the worst back pain. I really appreciate you letting me use your hot tub and then sit on the other side of the house and the other side. Show up in a one piece with shorts. Ask him a lot of questions, like try to friend zone him. Yeah.

He'll want you more. Wear a rash guard. Yeah, picture him like this kind of nerdy, whatever, and let's ask him about his dating life, and like a friend, like you don't care, like you get a lot of girls, and friend zone him. It'll fuck him up, it'll be great. Is this how to make a fuck boy fall in love with you, 101?

I guess part of it, yeah. I mean, the big thing is, again, not like fuck boys are either, again, really good at being upfront. Like the thing about fuck boys is they just want the sex. They're not, the only outcome they care about is getting laid. They don't care about if they,

they don't even care. Emotions or autonomy. Men have no problem having sex with women. They even know, hate them. That's so foreign to me. I just- I mean, that's probably the biggest difference between men and women. Yeah.

I couldn't- If a guy was physically attracted to a woman and he knew she fucking hates me, he would have no problem having sex with her. It's just about sex. It's just the physical act of sex. And just know that for the vast majority of men. And they don't, the only outcome they care about is the sex. They just know that for the vast majority of men. And they don't, the only outcome they care about

is the sex. And that's why fuck boys are so used to like being themselves in these situations. Cause it's like, you know, she might have sex with me, she might not. I don't really don't care if she likes me or calls me back, but like I might get laid. He's probably sending the shower head to multiple women.

Oh my God. So like it's a group fucking Snapchat. Yeah. Probably. Well, she did Like it's a group fucking Snapchat probably. Well, she did say, yeah, that the Snapchats appear not to be specific for her. I think she's aware of his fuck boy nature. Which is crazy though, when she starts saying things like he seems to be sending things

that are more specific to me and you know what? What's so fucked up is that when that happens, she feels special. Yeah. Oh my God, was this one just for me? Yeah, I think never go in with the expectation that you're gonna be the one to change a fuck boy. You're already invested if your goal

is to change the fuck boy. You don't know anything about this guy. Other than the fact that like, and you wanting to change him, is you just feeling good about changing them, being special, being unique. It has nothing to do with compatibility or whether this is your person.

You only know two things about this guy. You know that you think he's hot and he likes to fuck, and he doesn't care most likely about what you think of him. So, and those are very difficult people to be yourself around. And the only way to change a fuck boy is to not give a shit about the outcome and maintain your control in a situation.

Anyways, we have a great call. Anyways, we have some great callers lined up for you. And more importantly, we have an amazing week as well. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickofthefilefiles.com for all Ask Nick questions. We'll see you tomorrow for an amazing episode of Reality Recap both Tuesday and Thursday. Let's get to our callers. What's your time with Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions.

How's it going? Doing great. I'm Paige. I'm 30 and I have a boyfriend who has an unrequited crush. With who? He moved to a city to do his articling. And he- To do his what? Had no friends to do like an art, he's an articling student.

What is that? Like law, a law student doing like his, yeah. He made this community of friends out there and they all have kind of the same schedule and have the same hobbies and there's this one girl there that he I think that she's like kind of exactly his type and we are long distance so I don't live there and when we were kind of getting to know each other he would tell me about this girl with all of his other friends. And I know that we kind of have like different ideas of what a platonic friend is of a different sex. I fully trust him, but I keep on hearing a

little bit more about this girl here and there. And then when I actually met her, I was like, oh, she's awesome. Of course, of course you would admire her to some degree because she is awesome. I would have a crush on her, you know? And then lately, it seems like they've been spending more time together because that's just how their schedule is gone and all their friends are really close. And he's been talking about her more and more and more to the point where I just am like, okay, what's going on here? And so it's raised alarms to me where I just am like, okay, if you are admiring this person so much, do you still have space to admire me? And like, is it ruining our emotional connection

at some point because like I am considering moving to being with this person. And I just wanna make sure that he's like all in, you know? And that I'm not just like a consolation prize, you know? Like this girl is never gonna want me. So this is a great backup option. Okay, how long you been with your boyfriend? A year. Has your relationship always been long distance?

Yes, unfortunately. Okay. And we have seen each other a lot. So we've seen each other like at least once a month and I've met this girl a lot. Like every time I go there, I hang out with their friends and I've met this girl. And like, I know that she's not a threat.

Like she is very welcoming to me and like, she gives us like, you know, you're a girl. You can tell when somebody likes your boyfriend, she does not like my boyfriend. And I'm like not worried about her at all. Yeah, and I think the first, we've talked about this a lot, but a very telling sign is her interest

in getting to know you and being friendly with you. Yeah. And it sounds like she makes you feel welcomed and it sounds like you're also developing a rapport or a friendship with her of some kind, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like we don't follow each other or anything like that, but like it's very friendly.

Why not? I don't know. It's like, who makes the first move? So neither of us just like made the first move, I guess. Does your boyfriend follow her? Yeah. Yep. So to give you like a little bit of context of why I think that he has a crush on her,

like just a couple of things that I've noticed besides like him just talking about her more frequently. One time when I was down there, we're all standing outside of a restaurant and like kind of saying our goodbyes and me and my boyfriend are going off down this one road and we're saying goodbye to her and this truck goes by and like honks and said something like you know like some kind of cat calling and he immediately was like oh that's gross and I was like oh yeah that happens all the time and he was like no I think he was talking about her and I was like hello he could very much be talking about me and like why wouldn't that be the first thing that you assume?

And then, um, back up, back up here, back up here, back up here. So like you're outside of a restaurant and where are you two standing in proximity to her? She's like crossing the street to get to her car and we're going up street in the opposite direction to go to our car. So we're like maybe five feet away. So she's by herself and you're going up street in the opposite direction to go to our car. So we're like maybe five feet away from each other. So she's by herself and you're with your man. Yeah, yeah, uh-huh. And some car drives by,

cat calls somebody. Your boyfriend says, ew. But my first instinct when you tell the story, taking aside your overall reason why you called in and what you're trying to figure out. But what I heard when you told me that story, regardless of who was being catcalled, was I heard your boyfriend recognizing and empathizing with women, I suppose, in general,

about how annoying it might be to be objectified and catcalled on the streets. Yes and that's one thing I like about him. He's on my side with that. Great. He hates it when it happens to me, he hates it when it happens to other people. I love it. Great but instead you you were more fixated on who he thought was being catcalled. Yeah. And you wanted him to assume it must be his smoking hot girlfriend. Exactly. But yet he was, you were standing right next to him and she was

walking solo across the street. Yeah. So based off the information you're sharing, like just, it makes more sense that that person was catcalling her. A, she's by herself. Now that's not gonna stop all men from catcalling women but like it's more likely that someone might hit on what appears to be, at least by the possibility, a single woman if no further reason she's alone in that

moment versus someone who's standing next to a guy. Now this for the same insecurities that you have, you're thinking, oh, well, why doesn't he think about me? You know what your boyfriend's probably thinking by that response? Why am I so insignificant that you think a guy would still cat call you when I'm standing right next to you? Yeah, I think the thing that bothered me,

like not so much in the moment, but like he kind of ruminated on it and like commented on it again later on, like later on in the night. He was like he kind of ruminated on it and like commented on it again later on, like later on in the night. He was like, why would somebody say that about her? Why is it bothering you? Why would someone say that, well, what about,

what it was said about her? I can't even remember what the comment was because it's like some stupid kid that said something, like something derogatory, like, you know, that we should be flattered by, but we're not. Do you want your- And I can't even remember what the comment was. Listen, maybe you're, maybe- But it was like, he was so bothered by it.

I was like, why is this bothering you? Okay, listen, we just started this conversation, so for all I know, your boyfriend absolutely wants to fuck this girl behind your back, I don't know. But don't you want your boyfriend to be an ally to all women and not just you? Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. And he is friends with this person, correct?

Yes. So if you have more stories like this, then I think you're definitely getting into your head. No. Okay. This is a bad example. Okay, give me your best example. But that's just something that I noticed. Okay, give me your best example

of your boyfriend revealing his crush. So another thing, he was talking about all these great things that this person has done. Like, oh, she's done this and she does this really cool fitness thing. And then she does this really cool thing at work. And then she's so smart and she does this. And then she travels.

And I'm like, okay, yeah, that's so really cool. I'm glad that you admire your friend. And then I had kind of asked him, I was like, oh, it sounds like you really think that she's cool. Like it sounds that you admire her for that. And he's like, yeah, I know, like, I really do admire her. And I'm like, hmm, okay, well, I know that you have other friends, and you're not talking about your other friends in that way. Like I know that he has like 10 friends that he's really close with there. And I hear the ratio of her and all the things that he admires about her like probably 10 to 1 of his other friends. Okay. And so that's why I'm just like hmm okay interesting. So that

would be the same thing last week. That would be a bother. Last week he had called me about something and like and he had talked about the things that they had done together as a group, but also had mentioned her quite a few times for about half an hour before he'd even asked how my day was. And so it's just like, okay, something is, you know, like I think that this is fun. What do you think about her physically? I think she's beautiful.

She is an attractive person. Like I can recognize that she is objectively a very attractive person. Okay. Well, that in itself, obviously, you know, attractive person, like I can recognize that she is objectively a very attractive person. Okay, well, that in itself obviously, you know, so listen, it sounds like maybe there may be something there. Trust your instincts, we always say trust your gut. Does it mean your boyfriend's doing anything wrong?

Not necessarily, you know. It is an interesting thing to think that my boyfriend who has a crush on this girl, has no shot at her, so she's not a threat. But I can see how that would bother you, because you're thinking the only reason why my boyfriend hasn't broken up with me is because he doesn't think he has a shot.

Yeah, like I am curious, like part of me is for sure curious if it's like the reason that you're with me, even though you might admire me and I know that you love me and I know that there's all these things that you think are great about me, but they're very different than that person. And it seems like since you're spending me even though you might admire me and I know that you love me and I know that there's all these things that you think are great about me, but they're very different than that person and it seems like since you're spending so much time admiring that person like is that giving you less space to admire me and like if she had one day been like oh my gosh I'll totally try things with you. Would he be like, okay. Yep. Bye. I've been waiting for her

Have you had a conversation with your boyfriend about your insecurities? No. So I think that this is kind of where my question comes in. It's like, how do you even address that? Because I'm not jealous of her. Like I think that she's great and I respect her and I admire her, you know? So it's not out of jealousy. It's just out of like, uh, Hey, if you do have a crush, it's okay. I just don't want

you to do anything about it. Like it's not something that I want you to nurture. So like, I have eyes. If I were a guy, like I get it. Like if you have a crush, I get it. But like, calm down. And I think that we have different ideas about how platonic friendships go. Like with me, if I have a platonic friend who's a guy and he gets into a relationship, it's like I'm friends with you with your girlfriend or I'm friends with you with your partner, but like we're not the friends that we were

when you were single and vice versa. Like that's how I kind of see platonic friendships. Kind of just depends on, yeah, I guess. Yeah, pretty little differently. Everyone can be different. Well, that being said, it's just like, you are in a relationship with your boyfriend, and it sounds like in this whatever program

or school that he is, he has multiple friends, both men and women, but you are noticing, for whatever reason, that he seems to be spending more time with her and more time talking about her than any other person regardless of their Gender yeah. Yeah, so I think that alone is like you have the right to say something Yeah, and it's an uncomfortable conversation It is like it's not a fun conversation to have and it's a difficult conversation to have because it's hard to do without

Making him feel like you're accusing him of anything Exactly, and I don't want him to feel shame for it either It's hard to do without making him feel like you're accusing him of anything. Exactly. And I don't want him to feel shame for it either. Like I think that it's very natural to be attracted to somebody who's fun and awesome and beautiful. Yeah. Well, I mean, listen, it seems to me that you are seeing this in the most healthy and fair way possible while simultaneously not trying to lie to yourself and be naive and setting, you know,

or just ignoring the red flags. So you're just gonna have to have the conversation, you know, and just know that it's a sensitive conversation. So you can offer him a little grace and a little leeway to react slightly defensively without it escalating into a fight. Do you truly believe he has a crush? I do. Or are you worried he has a crush and downplaying it by joking about it and telling yourself you you know that he does? Or are you truly comfortable with knowing he has a crush as long as you know that he's never gonna do anything about that crush?

I think it's a mix of me and see. I have this suspicion that he has this crush and although I would be fine with it if he admitted to it, like I would definitely be lying to myself if I said it wouldn't hurt my feelings. For sure it would hurt my feelings if somebody that I was in love with had feelings for somebody else, even if it was just like attraction, whatever, admiration. It for sure would hurt my feelings. And do you feel like you're a little bit insecure thinking that like he's spending all this one-on-one time like since we

are distant and you know like I'm not spending one-on-one time with somebody in that same context. And so it does make me like a little bit insecure that he's spending so much time with this person that he admires. Are you fully aware of how much time and what kind of time he is spending with her? Yes, because he's very upfront. He's very honest, like I'm here, I'm with these people.

Are they ever spending alone time? Are they having dinner together? Are they having lunch together on a regular basis? Or is she coming over to their, they're not doing any of that? No, no. And like he is very respectful and like, yeah, I don't know. I guess this is like kind of a complicated

long distance question too, because it would be very different if I were there. If I were there full time, things would be very different and you obviously wouldn't be spending as much time with this group or with these friends if I were there or else I would be there with them. But since I'm not there, it's almost like you're single, have fun, play, even though you're not single. I don't know if that makes sense. And like when we are together, things are so great. And I feel like I'm number one top priority. But when we're apart, it almost feels like, well, you're not here and I'm still gonna have fun

with my friends and I am having fun with my friends. And one of them is really attractive and fun. And so like, of course that makes me feel a little insecure, you know? If she looked different, would you feel different? If nothing else was different? He was giving the exact same energy, they were spending the exact same amount of time,

but you thought she was a five and not a 10. No, I don't think I would feel different just because I'm not the most shallow person, if that makes sense. To me, emotional connection is what has always attracted me to a partner. Well, it's not about you. Yeah, but we're not talking about what attracts you.

We're talking about your partner and what he is attracted to. And, you know, men in general can be a little bit more superficial and fall in love with their eyes a little easier than women. And women do tend to invest a little bit more in personality than men do, at least initially.

So this isn't about you, it's about how you feel about him. Yeah, I get your question now. And yes, it would make me feel differently. I think that I would be far less worried because I do think that men think a little bit more with their penises on their brain, if I'm being honest. And I don't think that like as wonderful and feminist

and like he's great, I still think that he falls into that category just like everyone else so yeah if he wasn't as attractive I wouldn't be as worried. Is she that attractive? Well listen I you know at some point like pretty privilege is a real thing you know and some people are so beautiful that when they give their attention to people, it can feel overwhelming and surreal. It can be like, I can't believe a person who looks like this is interested in someone like

me. When that happens, those people can be very vulnerable to making decisions they wouldn't otherwise make or completely losing sight of whatever boundaries or character or things like that, because they are intoxicated by this person who they think they're not worthy of. So I think the conversation goes like this. I don't think it's something you have over the phone

or FaceTime, I think it's something you have in person. One, face-to-face communication is always better. Knowing it's gonna be a sensitive's something you'd have in person. One, face to face communication always better. Knowing it's going to be a sensitive conversation, you will have the benefit of reading each other's body language. And so if you feeling like either of you are being triggered, you can pull back or check in whatever. Also you bringing this up in person limits his ability to accuse you of being insecure and just missing him and not like in a, accuse you in a gaslighty sort of way,

but just like, baby, you know, just like, you know, he could be like, I just, I think, you know, we haven't seen each other in a while. And like, honestly, you know, just kind of dismissing almost your concern as to not want, you know, it might just be easier to dismiss your concern instead of him feeling attacked,

but then you're not really, you know, you want to bring this up so that you guys can just get on, you know, this is a point of contention that makes you at times, and maybe it's just your own insecurities and you're acknowledging maybe he's doing nothing wrong, but it's creating disconnect, that you're feeling at least.

And if you're feeling disconnected, then on some level you guys are disconnected. I guess my point is when it comes, you have the right to say something because like human nature is human nature. And I think We can prioritize our character and we can actively intentionally try to be righteous people but we are only human and humans are capable of making mistakes and humans are capable of putting themselves in

vulnerable positions Giving you an extreme example your boyfriend, you know being being the standup guy that he is, if for some reason he was forced to be stranded on an island with a bunch of Victoria's Secret supermodels and he was the only man and he was around 10 of these women and they were forced to live there for two months and you didn't have access to him, he didn't have access to you,

he was still in a relationship with you. You know what I'm saying? Like all of a sudden two months, no contact, no communication, all these supermodels, he's the only guy, he's gonna turn into fucking hottest guy in the world or whatever. You know what I'm saying? And all of a sudden he's put in a situation like,

man, he can only be so human before all of a sudden something might happen. You know, like temptation is a real thing. all of a sudden something might happen, you know, like Temptation is a real thing. There's a reason why we call it temptation. And so obviously extreme example But the fact that you I think it's important that your boyfriend recognize How he at least comes across at times talking about her has your boyfriend without sounding creepy Have you guys acknowledged her attraction as a couple together without feeling like he was

being weird about it? Or does he pretend she's not good-looking? He admits that she's good-looking. Okay that's in some levels a good thing. He talks about the guys that hit on her at the bar or something like that. And he's like, oh yeah you know guys and a pretty girl. And so like, I know that he thinks that she's attracted. Okay, well, on some levels, that's a good thing. It would be more of a red flag if he pretended that she wasn't.

I guess I'm just saying, like, I think there's a chance for a healthy conversation here. And that is just to like, listen, I just, first of all, I'm really, first of all, overall, really happy with our relationship. And I'm recognizing this, you know, our distance can create insecurities, you know, at least for me, I don't know about you.

And I also just wanna like let you know that I appreciate, you know, how you are with me and how you make me feel. And certainly when we are together in the same place, I just wanna acknowledge is like how much I love being around you. From time to time, there are certain things that you say about Becky

that I can't help but like get in my head. And, and sometimes I get insecure. She's obviously an attractive person. Um, and I know you are spending a lot of time together. And I just think, you know, I just want you to acknowledge that and just be careful just because I don't want to feel like the only reason you haven't given Becky a shot is because she hasn't given you one, you know, and listen, he should at

least be able to empathize that the roles were reversed and you befriended a group of people and one of those people was some, how tall is your boyfriend? Almost. Okay. Everyone says they're six foot. So let's assume you became friends with some guy who was 6'4", piercing blue eyes, fucking gorgeous, gorgeous man who seemingly had his shit together, was a respectful king, yada, yada, yada.

Again, your boyfriend can say, oh, she's great. And he could, I mean, also, like, imagine you got to be careful too. It goes both ways. You being like, I know my boyfriend doesn't have a shot with her. Imagine if your boyfriend didn't think you had had a shot with any guy. The same way you want him to talk about you,

you need to return the favor. And then, listen, it's a delicate act. Like, it's good that you guys aren't delusional and you're willing to be like self-aware. And like, I know that Tyler Cameron is a gorgeous, gorgeous man who does very well with the ladies. And while I can have all the confidence in the world

and I can be happy with how my dating life was as a single man, like I can still recognize, you know, Tyler Cameron's beautiful good looks, right? Doesn't necessarily have to make me insecure, but I can still acknowledge it too, right? But you get what I'm saying. So, but just, just be careful the way you talk about your boyfriend out loud, because I'm guessing

if he were to say the same thing about you and another guy, it would kind of hurt your feelings. Like, why do you think I wouldn't have a shot with him? Right. You know? So you do have to be careful when you do communicate with him, I wouldn't say that. Like, I don't want it to seem like he doesn't have a shot with her because of like the way that he is or he looks.

I just know that they have a very different value system. Okay, well that's something you didn't bring up. That's a very important piece of information you left out. It's not like they've ever talked about it or anything. It's just that like- Has he acknowledged it to you? Yeah. In what context?

How did that come up? Just in like, you know, you're like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like a very healthy discussion. I asked because I didn't want, like was he trying to convince you of something? Oh, no, no, no. Okay. Well, I mean- I felt like he was like, yeah, I shouldn't have. There you go. So one, that's a very important fact that you left out

is that it seems, your boyfriend seems aware that despite his admiration for certain things that she's doing, and despite you being aware of how she looks and being aware of how your boyfriend, just like as a human being with eyes, can acknowledge that she's an attractive person, that he doesn't see eye to eye to her on some, you know, sounds like potentially important things.

That even as someone who's not in a relationship with her, it almost kind of annoys him that someone could think and feel the way they do, because he feels so strongly in a different direction. That sounds like it might be even a topic that's more of a non-negotiable than a pet peeve for him. And he aligns with you on those viewpoints. So that's significant, you know?

Nevertheless, I still think it could be worthy of a conversation. So instead of you being like, I'm worried that if you had a shot with her, you know? Nevertheless, I still think it could be worthy of a conversation. So instead of you being like, I'm worried that if you had a shot with her, you would drop me. Like I wouldn't say that because you're passive aggressively like putting him down. You can say like, listen, I'm not worried about you too. I actually, I think she's amazing.

But every once in a while you talk about her so much. I can't help but feel a little envious about how you talk about her. And more than anything, it could be a check-in, just be like, just out of curiosity. You're like, when I'm not there, because you don't know this, or maybe you do because maybe people have told you, but when you're not there, is he talking about you the same way he talks about her? So ask. You could check in. But I think there's a way to check in without throwing out accusations or passive aggressive jabs about his capabilities of who he could get as a partner.

Let's say if you were to leave the relationship or something like that. Listen, especially men, we can say things we don't realize or mean that can come across a certain way that can be off-putting. And you can let them know that, you know, it's just like, I'm not, I think she's great. She makes me feel very welcomed. I've known a lot of girls who don't do that. She's amazing. I am not trying to like,

I don't want you to stop being friends with her. I'm not asking you to change anything other than, could you be a little bit more conscious about how much you talk about her with me? Because every once in a while, especially when we have this long distance that we have, and I just feel more disconnected to you simply based by our distance,

it sometimes can get in my head, and I feel like maybe you have a secret crush on her. And I know that's probably not true, but I just get in my head about that, and I was just wondering if I could ask you that. That seems doable, and that seems like you're not accusing them, because the more you talk about it,

the more I feel like you don't really have anything to worry about, but it doesn't mean you can't communicate you feeling disconnected without throwing out an accusation. If that makes sense. Because I mean, even despite them not agreeing on some big values, I still think that there's an attraction there. Well, listen, there's a huge difference between if your boyfriend was single and she wanted

to fuck him, would he fuck her? Yeah, he would. He's a guy, most likely. And no amount of political beliefs or different views on life is ever going to stop a guy from having sex with a woman he finds physically attractive. If for no other reason, then it doesn't go against any type of religious beliefs or just think, you know, his viewpoints on sex. But if he is a guy, if he's a single man who would like, you know, participate in hookup culture on some level, sure, he would have sex with her.

But like, so what? That doesn't mean anything. He's a guy. Yeah, and I guess that's the thing that kind of bothers me. Your boyfriend would have sex with a lot of women if you weren't in a relationship with him, but you are, and part of being in a relationship is knowing that your boyfriend has the options

to have sex with other people, but chooses not to. And that includes choosing not to be inappropriate with her or put themselves in, say inappropriate things. And I don't think your boyfriend, sounding like an ally to women in general when she's getting catcalled is something for you to feel insecure about or to get in your head because he didn't think it was you being catcalled. You know, again, you were standing next to him and she was walking across the street by herself. Yeah, it was about that example. But those are probably a little moments like that where it just kind of gets in your head.

And once you plant a seed, it just kind of snowballs. And he has a brain, he's got two eyes, unless he's overboard about it and saying it when it's not necessary, but pointing out the obvious. It's almost weird, I know it's like beauty's in the eye of the beholder, but in 2024, some people don't want to acknowledge

that some people are just more traditionally attractive than others, you know, whatever. Get over it, you know. But as you know, and personality does matter when it comes to real relationships, and you guys seem like you have a real relationship and a relationship that not only you're in because there's good sex and you you feel a short-term need, but like you guys see the potential in a long-term relationship, so you're willing to make the sacrifice of having a long-distance relationship, knowing that you might close that distance over time.

And so don't allow yourself to get bogged down by insecurities that don't really apply to your relationship. You'd have to believe in your partner for a certain extent. And you've given me a lot more examples that you have a good thing with this guy and he sounds like a good guy. And certainly, you don't know for sure, but I think the compatibility thing is important. And if you believe, you know, he's a guy with good character, focus on what you do have

and not, you know, don't go down the rabbit hole of like, well, if he was single, like again, if he was single, then it's a whole different conversation, but he's not. He chooses to be in the relationship with you and that matters, okay? Yeah, no, that's how I think it's really easy to go to the bad place and assume the worst. Yeah. Especially with a little bit of distance

and like when your conversations are all over the phone and not in person, like it's so hard to interpret things wrong or very easy to interpret things wrong. I wouldn't bring up her looks when you have this conversation with him. The only thing you're making it about is when you're not with him and feeling disconnected and simply based off of like the distance,

every once in a while and you get his admiration, you admire her too, it can just be a little much. It would be nice to maybe hear him express some admiration for you a little bit more as just to, and that's okay, and it's okay to ask our partners that. Yeah, I just wanna make sure that he's not looking for all of the ways that he admires her and then there's just less, like he's just thinking

about that more than thinking about me. And I think that's where my brain went. And obviously that's a very unhealthy place for me to convince myself. No, but like also if he's never- It's probably not true. Sure, but again, it's okay for you to ask him to communicate those things about you as well.

And be aware of ways in which your boyfriend admires you because he clearly is capable of expressing his admiration for people and even women he's not in relationships with. So bare minimum, he needs to express that about you as well and maybe he has to your face and that's, you know, but he can always maybe do a little bit more, especially when you guys aren't

in the presence of each other. Or if nothing else, he can just tone it down just a bit. Not because he's doing anything wrong, but he's helping you when you're feeling disconnected from him. Yeah, and I think that that's what was bothering me is that it seemed like it was like her ratio to my ratio was a little bit lower.

And maybe I was more sensitive and just like listening to hearing him say her more than me. But yeah, I think the ratio is off and that's what was really bothering me. Where I was just like, wow, you're really ruminating on all the great things about her, huh? Yeah, yeah, that's human. I wouldn't accuse him of having a crush.

I wouldn't bring up her looks. I would make this about just how much he talks about her around you and just like ask him if he could tone it down slightly and then maybe try to get him to empathize being like, again, I'm just, I love you, I treat you, lead with love, gas him up, say all the good things first. But if the roles were reversed,

he should be able to empathize with the fact that it would just kind of get annoying. Even if the guy was a swell guy. Yeah. All right? Right. All right, well, keep us posted. We'd love to know how this plays out.

Absolutely. All right, take care. I will, thank you, that was helpful. All right, bye-bye. Summer is here and we're ready to look and feel confident inside and out. I know confidence is hard to gain and I've had my fair share of insecure moments. One of the biggest things that can lead to a lack of self-confidence is your skin.

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First of all, what is a bouquet girl? She's the one who caught the bouquet during the bouquet toss. I say caught because she snatched it. Why do we hate this bitch? No, I'm just kidding. I don't hate her, but I did not necessarily want her to be there. At your wedding. Yeah. Okay.

Why? She's a groomsman's plus one. They used to date. They haven't been dating for a long time. So she's not necessarily in the friend group. She was just the plus one, but I lived with her like we've all lived together So she knows us as a couple. I'm like, okay, I think she should go I don't know then I find out right before the wedding. She's hooking up with my ex-boyfriend

But she's still going to the wedding with our friend that's her ex-boyfriend. Why do you care? I don't want that in my wedding video. And I wanted my sister to catch the bouquet. First of all, let's just set aside your wedding video and who you wanted to catch the bouquet. Why do you care who she's fucking? I don't know.

I shouldn't. I think it's weird that she's fucking my ex-boyfriend, but going to my wedding. I don't know. I just think it's weird. You're married. I know. Thank God. But I don't want her in my wedding video. I didn, but I want you to acknowledge that you care about something you know you shouldn't. Instead of just dismissing that as whatever I just do, I think it would be maybe- I just don't like it. It just makes me feel picky.

It's just not some- I don't know. How long ago did you date this ex-boyfriend of yours? Long time ago. Even more. Who gives a fuck? Seven years. And why does it bother you who I don't understand? Do you feel like you and- I don't like that she's dragging our friend along,

still living with him, going to our wedding with him, also hooking up with him, but also hooking up with somebody I don't like. I like her. I don't want her to be with them. You have feelings towards him. Ill ones. Okay. Why do you have any feelings towards him whatsoever?

I don't ever want to interact with people that interact with him. That's fair. That's fair. How problematic is your ex? For my life, very. I mean, he hasn't been in a long time for me, obviously, but was Barry. When you first started this call,

you talked about this girl as someone who really doesn't matter to you. You're not really that good of friends with her or friends with her at all. And then a few moments later, after I kind of challenged you a tad, you basically said that you don't want this for her, having sex with this guy a little bit.

You kind of suggested that. It is more than valid to not wanna fuck with people who are fucking with people that you don't wanna fuck with. I get that, love that. I mean, I co-sign that all day long. But you don't fuck with her, is kind of my point. It doesn't sound like. She's not my fuck with her. It's kind of my point. It doesn't sound like She's not my friend necessarily, but she's definitely not my enemy.

Who's editing your wedding video by the way? The videographer. Why is this moment important to you? We haven't even posted our full length wedding video yet, which kind of reminds me that we have to do it because it's fucking awesome. We've posted some smaller shorter versions of it, but like Congratulations, by the way. There were a lot of people at our wedding. I knew a lot of them smaller, shorter versions of it. But like, there were a lot of people at our wedding. I knew a lot of them. I knew most of them, but we, everyone kind of had a plus one. There are a couple of people in our wedding video that not only

I don't know personally, there's a couple of people in particular that were just like kind of obnoxious for different ways. And one of those people who were obnoxious where they were obnoxious because they kind of just were like for different ways and one of those people who were obnoxious were they were obnoxious because they kind of just were like really involving themselves and everything even though they kind of like shouldn't have been there. They wanted to be on the video. I don't even know if it was a video sure but my point is like I don't give a fuck it's like a literally split second I mean you're a wedding videographer I don't know how long your wedding video is going to be. A few minutes, right? Of all your best moments.

Seven to nine. Seven to nine minutes. Well, whoever catches the bouquet, it's gonna be a split second moment. But then you're gonna see me turn around and see my sister who I planned on catching it and positioned her to catch it. You see her go, and then me like,

everybody had been cheering, talking about my sister catching it and positioned her to catch it. You see her go and then me like all everybody had been cheering talking about my sister catching it and then this girl catches it. And that's just I don't want to remember that. Why not? It's a funny story. Is it? I watched somebody else. That's how I love it. And it just made me mad. She knew I wanted my sister to catch it. But while everybody's getting out there, I'm like, stand right there. I'm looking over my shoulder like, I wanted her to catch it.

And then that bitch is standing right behind her. Snagged it. Well, why didn't you just hand her the goddamn bouquet if you just wanted one person to get it? By the way, we didn't- I told my sister we should have done that. She didn't want to, she wanted to catch it. Well, that's on your sister, you know, she wanted.

So you were like, sister, I want you to catch it. So we're gonna do a party of one. This is gonna be a bouquet toss to one person. We're not gonna get the DJ to ask all the single people, all the single ladies to come to the center of the dance floor, I just want you. And it would have made total sense. It's your wedding, you can do it differently.

We did not do a bouquet toss because we thought it was stupid, no offense. I didn't want to do it either, my fiance did and I did and now this girl caught it and I don't want it to be in there. So, it gets the fuck out. Would it be so bad if she just didn't put it in the video? Does it look bad if I'm like, hey, thank you so much,

can you just not put that in there? No, it's your video I don't know who's their videographer. Do you she friends with this girl? No, we're completely different state. They don't know each other Yeah, I asked her to take it out I mean you're definitely worrying about this way more than you need or leave it in it doesn't matter and it kind of is a funny Story, I'm a big believer that the things that piss us off in the moment always make for the best stories. Like you've heard us talk about our fiasco on our honeymoon of being denied at the border of Turks and Caicos. You've heard us tell the story

of our Natalie's hairdresser from hell. And while in those moments it was traumatic and it sucked, honestly, it makes for a great fucking story. And those are the stories we're gonna be telling for years to come. We're gonna say, we had the best wedding, it was amazing and do you remember that fucking time that blah blah blah blah blah blah blah? We're gonna gloss over. You won't be mad, you will laugh. You'll be like, I have beds or whatever but like you won't actually be mad. If you're actually mad that's kind of weird.

You can fuck around and joke about it There's no wrong option You should just like decide and then move on and by the way It's like you're literally asking her to take out a half a second of a nine-minute video Not everything's gonna make this cut. I'm thinking about the girl and I'm like well I don't want her to see it and get her feelings hurt that we left the guy catching it in and her not First of all not our wedding video. I don't care. Do you care or do you not care? Which one is it? It's your wedding video. I don't care. Do you care or do you not care? Which one is it? It's your wedding video. I don't know who's going to see this video unless you post it on like YouTube or TikTok. You can't post like a nine minute video on most platforms. So like you're worrying about

shit that doesn't matter. You wanted your sister to catch it but your very close friend snagged it from her. Like even then you could cut it out. You'd be like, listen, sorry, you didn't make the cut of a nine minute video. I wanted my sister catch it. That was the moment I wanted. It didn't happen. That was your moment, not my moment.

So sorry. Why are you worrying about her and her feelings? I don't understand. It would be weird for her to make a big deal about that. I don't know, I'm people pleased there. I don't want her to, I don't know. Even the pictures, I'm like, I don't want a picture of me with her, but I took one because she wanted to take one with the bouquet.

Okay. So what? And then if she wants the picture, she'll have the picture. You don't need to frame that shit. You're worrying about shit you don't need to worry about. You are wasting your energy on stuff that doesn't do anything for you. It doesn't solve a problem, doesn't teach you anything. It's just drama. Story of my life. No? You're right. You're right. I think about things that do not matter at all. I've been thinking about this shit for a week. It

does not matter. Oh my god, a whole week? It's so insignificant. I know. And listen, if you are actually concerned for this girl's wellbeing because she's fucking your toxic ex-boyfriend who you, I hope, have absolutely no feelings for but just kind of think he's a bad dude, you could sit her down and be like, hey, listen, I'm not here to tell you what to do.

I haven't really talked to him in seven years. Maybe he is wildly changed as a human, but you heard it from me here first, I'm concerned. If you're concerned from your buddy, his ex-girlfriend about his feelings, then honestly, why is he taking her to a wedding? Level up with him and say, hey man, she's fucking some other guy.

Stop wasting your time. So instead of wasting your energy about a split second on a wedding video, like, you know, at least if you're gonna be productive have these conversations with these people That you you know might care about one don't want their feelings to be hurt. Yeah. Yeah if you're exactly so alright. Alright Thank you so much. It was good talking to you as well. Congratulations on love and your wedding. Thank you. Congratulations to you, too Thank you. I appreciate love and your wedding. Thank you. Congratulations to you too. Thank you. I appreciate it.

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I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Mia. Hi Mia. I'm 36. How can I help Mia?

So my sister came out of the closet and now she won't speak to me or actually any of our family. Okay. How old is your sister? She is four years younger than me, so she's like 32. Okay. 33. Well, I'm sorry.

Thank you. That she's not speaking with you. Well, yeah, just to say like, so my sister came out, but she is married to a man with two small children. Okay. So, when she came out, it was kind of like a really big surprise to all of us, being that she was married to a man, two small children. We never had any idea that she was gay, not that it's like there's any obvious signs

of someone being gay, but we just really had no idea. So after she came out, we were like all kind of shocked, but like, we love you so much. We don't care. We're here for you. We've got you. So then a couple of weeks go by, I'm calling her, texting her, how's it going? How are you doing? Things like that. And then she kind of gets into this fight with our mother. And I don't really know what stirred the fight, but basically she told our mom, you're a terrible mother. And I don't really know what stirred the fight. But basically she told her mom, you're a terrible mother. You did everything wrong. You did this, you did that. When dad died, you didn't handle things correctly. So myself and our other siblings were like,

where is this all coming from? I totally understand someone wanting to air their grievances with their parents, especially when you're going through something as traumatic as coming out later in life, you have every right to be like, hey, mom, I don't really like how you did this. But the way that she did it to our mom was just so out of left field, so aggressive, so hurtful. So myself and our other siblings kind of drew like a boundary with her like, hey, you can't do that. No parent is perfect. No childhood is idealic, but you had it pretty good. So, you know, I kind of was like, this is not okay. And so we drew a line in the sand of basically not checking in on her as frequently

as she wanted us to, not calling her because frankly, like we were all really upset and really hurt because she deeply hurt our mom. So now we're kind of like reach out to her and she ignores us. We try and text her and she's like, no, I'm not going to text you back. And you know, we're just kind of at a standstill like, how do we move on from this? How do we go from like not talking to each other? Her kind of creating this narrative of like, well, now everyone's ignoring me. It's like, nobody's ignoring you. Like we're trying to repair this, but like, Wait, now I thought she's accusing you guys of ignoring her.

Yeah. She's accusing us of ignoring her, but she doesn't really reach out or talk to us either. So we're both kind of have like our feet stuck in the sand and neither one of us want to talk to each other. But What is your feet stuck in the sand about? Because we don't really understand this narrative that she's created as like, we're ignoring her, but we're not ignoring her. We're deeply hurt by what she's done and how she's treated our mom. And, you know, we have reached out to her and tried to talk to her, but she's not really giving us

much back. She kind of keeps saying like, this is the hardest time in my life. I'm going through all of these things. She's going to be divorcing her husband, but like, we're not ignoring you. We're not trying to ignore you. We're just like deeply hurt by what you did. And she's kind of created this whole narrative with like other friends and her other family that we turned our backs on her because she's gay, which could be further from the truth. We're just basically like, we don't like how you treated our mom, so we're setting up a boundary with you, but like we're still here for you.

Well, that last part sucks, because yeah, I mean, if she is spreading misinformation about your family's character or acceptance of her, that would certainly, especially in times like we live in now, would certainly be hard to accept. How do you know that to be a fact that she's having those conversations? Well, there were times where she was speaking to our other sister, our older sister,

and was sort of saying like, well, Mia's not talking to me, Mia's ignoring me, but that wasn't the truth. I was just upset at what she did. And I made it very clear to her when she came out, I'm always here for you. I'm a call, I'm a text, I'm a FaceTime away, anytime or day of the night, I'm here for you. But unless I'm constantly checking in on her or texting her or calling her, you know, she'll perceive that as like being ignored, even though she doesn't ever call or text or check in first. I mean, I can't even having a bad day. She's always expecting myself or other family members to be constantly reaching out to

her, constantly checking in on her. And I understand, like everyone kind of has different means of communication. But I just went through IVF. Our older sister just went through like a difficult time with her family. She never asked us or checked in with any of us at all. Like not even once. So it's like, you know, the phone works both ways. For sure. Just kind of my argument with her.

Circling back to I guess the alleged rumors she's spreading about you and your family. Who is she doing that with specifically? So your older sister won. What's your older sister's perception of the truth? My older sister's perception of the truth is she also agrees with me that she doesn't agree with how our sister decided to talk to her mom

about her grievances. Our older sister was communicating with her and then basically had the same feelings as I did, like, hey, the phone works both ways. I don't know why you're creating this false narrative. So that you're this victim. So despite your sister spreading misinformation to your older sister, you have the confidence of knowing that your older sister kind of sees

through her bullshit a little bit. Yes. Okay. So what about other people's that she is potentially spreading this misinformation to? I don't know so much about what she's saying about other people's that she is potentially spreading this misinformation to? I don't know so much about what she's saying to other people. Um, like her other friends were not really in communication with them either. We're not in communication with her in-laws because after this argument happened, everyone

kind of stopped talking to each other. Okay. And it's only that my sister had kind of gone online where she was like, you know, thank you for everyone who's connected with me and checked in on me, but didn't really mention And it's only that my sister has kind of gone online where she was like, you know, thank you for everyone who's connected with me and checked in on me, but didn't really mention our family. And she's also blocked me on Instagram,

which I don't really understand why she did that. Who knows? It could be just to piss you off. Could be to hide something from you, probably just to piss you. And to be dramatic. You just gotta try to focus on what really matters and you have to try to not let the drama of the situation kind of dictate your feelings and actions.

It's a tough situation. Obviously it's very painful. And I know, I have a large family, so you can might imagine, we have a great family, my family's overall very close, but like all family, we have our drama. There are a lot of different personalities in my family. There's a lot of different points of view

about how their childhood was, or who got what, and who is more deserving of what, and yada, I'm sure you can only imagine. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty confident in saying that a bunch of my siblings have various opinions about me, and the fact that I'm somewhat of a public figure and I'm guessing some of my siblings, I don't know.

I have no idea, to be honest, I really don't. But if I had a gun to my head and I had to bet, have any of my siblings talk shit about me to any of their friends and family, I'm gonna go ahead and say probably almost certainly yes. Do they actually feel that way? Maybe, or were they venting? I don't know.

I'm guessing for certain siblings, depending on when they said it, there's a spectrum of truths. The important thing is, I don't really give a shit one way or the other. You know, I give a shit to the extent that I wanna have a relationship with them. I want generally my family to be healthy and close.

There are certainly, at times, for example, I've had siblings lash out to my parents and vent in ways that I family to be healthy and close. There are certainly at times, for example, I've had siblings lash out to my parents and vent in ways that I find to be not only wrong, but completely disrespectful and unfair to my parents. So I think it's really just important for you to try to really focus on what matters. One, you're a family, no matter what, you love your sister. Whether she's straight or gay, you love her.

Despite how she's choosing to treat your mom or speak ill of your father who has passed as as hurtful as that is. Unfortunately, she's your sister and you're kind of forced to love her. It is, you know, it's family but that's important. It's important to know that and recognize that. In the short term, you're gonna have to let some shit go and you've kind of acknowledged without just specifically saying it that you're kind of choosing to be stubborn too and feel validated by your other siblings agreeing with you that your sister is wrong and because she's wrong you think she is deserving of some kind of penance or requirement or it's certainly unfair

if she's spreading misinformation about you guys but short of her talking shit to her friends who doesn't sound like you're really friends with her friends and honestly there's a good chance that her circular friends is gonna be drastically different a year from now. Sounds like your sister's about to begin on embarking on a lot of different changes. Sounds like she might be exploring a lot of different things. Her circle of influence, her friends might change. It might change a lot over the next five years.

Who knows? It sounds like your sister might be struggling with some stuff. Maybe there's some past trauma she hasn't identified. Who knows? And so the loving, caring sister that you, I'm sure, are and certainly wanna be, you're gonna have to let some shit go when it comes to your sister.

You're not gonna be able to fully understand why she says what she's saying. You're not going to be able to fully understand why she says what she's saying. You're not going to be able to agree with what she's saying. You're just going to have to be the quote unquote bigger person and just empathize in a way that says, I have no idea what it's like to question my sexuality. Certainly I don't know what it's like to question my sexuality as a middle aged person. I'm not trying to call you middle aged or, but you know, in your thirties, however you want-aged person. I'm not trying to call you middle-aged or, you know, in your 30s, however you want to see it.

You're not middle-aged by the way, that's 50. And so you just have to empathize it. I, you know, you can say, I don't know what it's like to be married with kids and then come out of the closet. Those are all must be very difficult, challenging things. And if I were going through something that difficult, I might act out in ways that I might come to regret over time. But she is just figuring things out and through her journey of figuring things

out, unfortunately, our family has become a punching bag or collateral damage or both. I didn't really look at it that way of like the trauma of coming out in the middle of your life, let's say, as a, you know, heterosexual couple with children. That is, I guess, really, really traumatic. And I guess we did kind of become that collateral damage, as you said. And I have to like, you always talk about your ego and I'm always like, yes, you're so right about your ego. Like my ego is standing in the way right now, because I feel like if I reach out first, then it's like, I'm still, yes, you're so right about your ego. So like my ego is standing in the way right now because I feel like if I reach out first and it's like, I'm still, I'm so mad. I'm so mad at you for doing this,

but I have to remember that like, I don't know what you went through and I don't, I wanna empathize with that and I have to let my ego and my anger go. I'm just struggling to do that. I really am. Well, step one is acknowledging the struggle and this is definitely a strong case for, you know what I love to say is, I really am. Well, step one is acknowledging the struggle. And this is definitely a strong case for,

you know what I love to say is, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? Being right in this situation, especially short term, isn't gonna get you or your other family members very far, especially when it comes to having any kind of relationship with your sister. And is it that hard to believe that, you know, who knows who your sister's current circle of influence is?

She could be confiding into other gay people who make her feel more seen, more identified. And while maybe those people are helping your sister in some ways, those people, you know, despite them being able to connect with your sister in ways that you might not, still might be offering your sister some very toxic advice, you know? They might be projecting their own pain

in family history onto your sister. I have no idea, it's possible. Maybe your sister is searching for answers she doesn't have answers to. So right now, maybe there is some blame that's going on towards your parents that's completely made up in her head, but like she just has to go through this journey

and just figure shit out. And unfortunately, when it comes to family, the downside is we know we can take our family for granted and they'll still be there for us. Exactly, and I love her so much, and I don't care if she's gay or straight or trans. I could care less about that. That's not what defines her. She's my sister. I was there since the day she was born. So I just

want to be there for her. I want to be able to break this desert of communication that we're in. I just don't really know how to take that first step and say, hey, let's talk about this because sometimes in the past, we've tried to be honest with her and we've tried to bring up things with her and she kind of fly off the handle and be super upset, even though what we're trying to tell her is not setting or hurtful, she sort of perceives it that way. So that's also where I'm struggling. So maybe now is not the time to tell her how you guys feel. Maybe it's not your time to be heard.

Maybe it's not your time to be right. Yeah, that's a good point. That's a good point. That's where that empathy comes in. You'll have plenty of time in the future to, like your sister, knock on wood. You guys both overall remain alive and well, and you'll remain sisters. I'm sure you've had periods in the past of not being on the same page and fighting and feeling distant or disconnected

only to come back and reconnect, yada, yada, yada. So maybe now is this not the time to make sure she understands where you're coming from. So I guess what I'm saying is like, and there's a middle ground. The middle ground for me is one, you lead with love. How do you reach out the first time you set your ego aside, you see the bigger picture,

you recognize that you're not the one having an identity crisis right now and going through a very scary transition that might be bringing in a lot of insecurities and fears. At the same time, you can still set a boundary with your sister for the sake of protecting you, your other siblings and your mom to say, listen, whatever you want to do right now, we are here to support you and we are here to listen and how we can support you. And if you need us to check

in with you more than you're willing to check in with us, I'm even willing to do that. But what we won't accept is for you to call up mom and unload on her and say a lot of hurtful things. You are entitled to express yourself, but it's not okay to just unload on mom. And if you wanna unload on mom, mom has the right to defend herself and certainly we have the right to defend mom.

So if you wanna have a conversation with mom, let's have a conversation with mom. But like you don't get to do this, you know? That you can still do that. But you can do that without also sharing your opinion about anything she's doing. They could just be like, yeah, there's one rule. Do whatever the fuck you want,

ask us to do whatever you need from us, but you don't get to call us up and just complain about how terrible we are. And if you can respect that, we can be there for you. And short of that, you can just reach out to your sister and say, listen, I know you're going through a lot and I really want to be there for you. And you can say this over and over. You can't say this enough to her.

I love you. I accept you. I am proud of you. I'm here for you. Whatever you need, I am there. And you can say that every day without a response because you're not saying it to get a response, you're saying it because that's how you feel about her.

And would it be nice if she would turn the favor? That's a conversation for a later day. You have the right to be heard, but maybe your empathy of recognizing her challenge right now of saying, hey, I need a little bit more from you is not, now's not the time. Maybe a year or two from now, and I know that's a long time from now,

but it might take that long for her to get to a place where she feels happy with her life, and safe, and accepted, and not judged. I mean, shit, she probably has fears about how her kids might feel about her, her community. God only knows what she is going through. And that doesn't excuse her from being an absolute asshole. She doesn't have the right to be an asshole to you guys.

And you can enforce that boundary. But short of that, expecting reciprocity, expecting tit for tat, equality, fairness, things like that, I think that's you and your ego demanding to be right rather than focusing on being happy. I think you're exactly right with that. Like I definitely know it. Like I want her to acknowledge I fucked up, I was wrong.

She's in communication with our mother now, but it's very like surface level. And she never said, mom, I'm sorry. And I feel like I'm waiting for her to say mom, I'm sorry, but I think I have to realize she's not in that place. You can't. Gotta let it go.

If you can acknowledge that and accept that, and doesn't mean you forget it, you set it aside, you have that empathy, she's not capable of, like you said, of seeing the way we see it right now because there's just too much going on. It doesn't excuse her, but you're just choosing to give her grace and empathy for a period of time. And that time might run out at some point, but she might need a lot more time. When did she come out? How long ago? At some point,

six months from now, a year from now, your empathy and grace might be depleted, but give it a shot to just lead with love and focus on being there for her because right now as much as I know you want to assist her, you have the support system that you need. You're not struggling the way she's struggling and so she needs people like you and she needs this kind of unconditional love. And yes, is she being self-centered? Absolutely. Is she being selfish? Absolutely. But maybe that's what she just kind of needs to do and right or wrong, she feels like that's how she needs

to be to survive. That's a really good point. And I didn't really think about it that way. And I like to consider myself an ally. I've had the privilege of friends come out to me and me being the first person that they come out to, which to me is such a huge honor and sign of like, okay, like I am a person that they can trust and feel safe with. So I feel like as a person who considers himself an ally, I think I need to put aside my ego and put aside,

I think my hurt and be that ally that she needs. Yeah. And being an ally doesn't include being recognized as one. Yeah. You know that's your ego needing the credit for your sister to think of you as an ally. Yeah, true. You know. Very true. I have multiple siblings part of the LGBTQ community covering a variety of letters and I have different relationships with all of them and I'm guessing their perspective of my views on life or their sexuality is very different than my audience. Cause I think a lot comes to deal with, again, just the family dynamic. There's so much history when it comes to family.

Maybe your parents always felt like they were inclusive of people. For example, my parents, like I said, I have siblings who are aren't straight. And example, my parents, like I said, I have siblings who are not straight. And I know my parents, their views on gay in general have drastically changed and progressed. And I'm aware of ignorant things my parents have said about gay people in the past, long before some of my siblings I think were even old enough to remember or even maybe even alive.

But I was, I'm one of the oldest, now I don't I don't think my parents are ignorant at all I think they have evolved but your sister could easily be remembering a time when she remembered your dad or mom saying something about someone else who was in the gay community and she remembers that and that is maybe causing her pain or maybe she's just using it knowing how your parents really feeling and she's just and maybe she's angry I her pain or maybe she's just using it, knowing how your parents really feeling. And she's just, and maybe she's angry. I don't know. Maybe she just needs to get some shit out.

Yeah, I definitely think her anger towards our mom and that initial fight was really misdirected. And I think she had so much hurt and pain and that, you know, it's like, you hurt the ones you love the most. I mean, I had nowhere to go. She couldn't really do it towards her spouse because it's not really in the wrong and she's not going to put it on her shoulders. So where else can it go? And I think it went to the person and the people who love her unconditionally. And I think that's

kind of like you said, like overflowed out of her. And now it's like we're all at this standstill of like, okay, where do we go from here? My mom and my sister are going to start going to therapy together to help repair the relationship. Is your sister going to therapy by herself? She is. Great. Good. Well, that's awesome. So there's steps in the right direction. I think people make a common mistake about their ability to forgive people without an apology. So I

think you can forgive your sister for some of the things she said without necessarily getting an apology for it. You can still want that apology in the future, but I think that's where the grace comes in. That's giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she doesn't fully appreciate how she is sounding or how it feels to you guys,

and you're just forgiving her, point blank and not holding it against her and not saying you owe me this or until I get this from you, you're not gonna get anything back from me because that's where you're at right now. Right, I am, I am. And part of me wants to just kind of reach out because she was living out of state

and now she's back in our area and I want to see my, you know, my children. So part of me wants to just break that ice and send that first text and just be like, Hey, this is what I've been going through. I'm still here for you. I would really love for us to start repairing our relationship. Yeah. Well, without that apology, because I don't know if I'll get it. What would be really nutty for you is you could apologize to her.

I could. You know, you could say, hey, I just want to reach out, I miss you, I love you. I wouldn't even be like, you know, you don't even have to be like, let's repair a relationship. You could just say, I was thinking about you, I miss you, I hope we can see each other soon. If I haven't reached out enough, I'm sorry. And I just want you to know, I love you. I'm here for you. Let me know how I can be there

for you. And you could just leave it at that and you can set your ego aside. Yeah. And I think I just needed that encouragement to do that and just put my ego aside because I do needed that encouragement to do that and just put my ego aside because I do want that. And again, I think realizing that that sorry may never come or it may not come in the exact form that I want it to, but just accepting that and realizing my relationship with her is more important than two-thirds. Yeah. That's the thing. It just comes down to like, you know, how important is relationship to you?

And it sounds like very, yeah, the family is tough, man. Long game. We've got to play the long game and life, but certainly with family, we get so bent out of shape when, especially when it comes to family over the short game, you know, the things that happened today or last week, it's like, they're not fucking going anywhere. So, you know, stop trying to win all the battles. That's how I survive in my family. Most of my families don't subscribe to this mentality,

but I just let a lot of battles happen, get fought, win, lose, whatever. And then I'm just like, hey, we still love each other? Great, awesome, you know, and I just kind of avoid the drama, which drives some of them nuts. Yeah, I'm sure I'm at fault and I have things to work on and yada yada, but like just play the long game. They're not going anywhere.

Even like five years from now, you can be like, hey, remember five years ago when you came out and you were really selfish, whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like that was really fucking annoying. Right, because I wanna share what's happened in my life. Like I just went through IVF and things are going really well. So I want to be able to

share that news with her, but I feel like I can't because we're in this weird limbo and I can't just do that, but maybe I could. I have a son also who misses his cousin. Yeah. In the short term, right now, just focus on her. Maybe you start talking to her again, you talk on a regular basis, maybe in a month or two months you could say, hey Jenny, I know you're going through a lot and again, I want to be here for you but I sometimes wish I could talk to you about things that are going on in my life. I feel guilty or I don't feel like

that's not something you're really interested in hearing. I hope I'm wrong but that's a more productive way of saying that rather than being like, phone works both ways. I I know I did say that The phone works both ways part wasn't helpful. No. Yeah, and it was it didn't go off Well, but letting your sister know in a couple months after you've given her a ton of your time of your attention that you need her Well, hell feeling needed is a great feeling So make your sister feel needed make her feel like you miss her, make her feel like she can help you,

and I bet she will respond a lot differently than you just throwing it in her face that the phone works both ways. No, you're exactly right. All right. Yeah. Okay. All right, keep us posted.

Okay. All right. I will, thank you. All right, bye-bye. You guys probably have noticed that we've slightly changed our format. We are doing reality recap twice a week for, we have so many shows we're covering

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True. you