The Viall Files - E78 Ask Nick - Bar Star with Maria Viall

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Nick’s sister and health expert Maria Viall joins us for today’s Ask Nick! She shares her tips for how to keep your resolutions in the new year. Then we talk to a single woman who is looking to adopt a child, a woman who keeps being told she deserves more than they can give her, and someone wanting to set goals for dating in 2020. Desperation is a stinky cologne! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: SKREWBALL WHISKEY: https://www.skrewballwhiskey.com HIDRATESPARK: https://hidratespark.com CODE: VIALL ATHLETIC GREENS: https://athleticgreens.com/viall FIGS: https://www.wearfigs.com CODE: VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is going on everybody welcome to another episode of the vile files I'm your host Nick I'm joined by my trusty producer and sidekick Roch Hello. And today we have my sister Maria back with us to help answer some questions about dating and life. Hello. As well as give us some more health and wellness tips. A lot of people seem to enjoy Maria on Last Time. Oh yeah, people love when you're out. We thought we'd make it a bit of a thing.

A thing? It's nice to have the married woman with child perspective. Yeah, that's... And who's an expert, if I do say so myself, on some health and wellness. Maria is also part of the Natural Habits family in terms of... Well, not in terms of anything. She has helped me co-found the company. And yeah, Maria, the holistic nutritionist

that she is, brings a lot of expertise in wellness. We thought it would be fun to, because of the new year, talk about a lot of people are setting goals, right? And part of those goals always include diets, right? Yeah, always. It's like usually number one.

Working out. Here's a challenge though, especially if you're in a relationship of any kind and you you develop these uh goals about different oh i'm gonna change the way i eat that's that could be tough when you're in a relationship and they don't set the same goals or even if you're dating yeah that could be a really chance so marie and i are going to talk about that right after this quick break athletic greens my athletic greens routine now it my athletic greens routine. Now, it's- Athletic greens routine. Does that kind of rhyme?

Yeah, what is it? I wake up and I have a glass of athletic greens. Before you work out or after? Before. Before. It's the first thing I do. First thing you do, that's amazing. It's the first thing I do.

I wake up, I kind of like, pour some water and just gulp, gulp, gulp, put on some running shoes, go work out. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. Put on some running shoes. Go work out. Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. Why do you love it? Well, I used to do a smoothie every morning. Yeah, I know. And blend vegetables.

Not that that's bad or anything, but it's easier with the greens. Much easier. I think it's much more affordable than buying vegetables every morning. Yeah. And it gets me pretty much the same nutrients. It probably gets you a lot more. Plus the probiotics and prebiotics. There's 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food source ingredients.

Yeah. So they have whole fruits and vegetables. It's just easier and probably healthier. And it tastes really good. I'm so glad. I enjoy the taste. Yeah. And it's super easy.

Yeah. So I like it. Yeah. And whether you're just kind of anyone, anyone, or if you are an athlete training,

it's very helpful for you. So I can't recommend it enough. I mean, I truly love it. I know. You should be their official spokesperson. Right?

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But you have the joggers, the figs joggers. Yeah. When do you wear those? When I'm lounging around the house. Yeah. Or when I go grocery shopping. Yeah. So I look like a doctor.

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We always do. Yeah, Maria and I, we're uh in a lot of ways we have a lot of differences and uh we get on each other's nerves but you're also able to like see and call yourself out because you can see the other person in it so it's like uh i i see what you're doing i mean we have a large family so So like there's, you know, there's different relationships. Maria. I think Maria with each other are probably the sibling that we're probably most likely to listen to. Right.

Because sometimes you have a sibling. It's just like, okay, yeah, whatever. And sometimes with each other, it's kind of like, fine. Yeah. What number are you guys? We're two and three. back i'm two she's three but we're only like a year and a half apart oh wow so we were just one grade apart so we experienced life similarly yeah yeah yeah so anyways back to eating and wellness i know maria

you've uh worked with a lot of your clients about this in terms of setting realistic goals, especially when it comes to their diets. But you have this challenge with your clients about whether it's goal setting for a new year or they've changed some of their eating habits for the best and then they get into a relationship only to see that maybe suffer. What are some of the challenges or things that you would recommend some of our listeners to help maintain or not really sacrifice healthy living for the sake of love?

Well, yeah, I think it's 2020 or new year, whatever. Same you. Yeah, exactly. We kind of set this high expectation for ourselves too. Like we kind of set these like, you know, I'm going to lose X amount of pounds. I'm going to be 100% plant-based. I'm going to do, we kind of set these big things. And then we get over, we kind of sometimes can be so set on achieving a goal that we kind of lose sight of like the why you're doing it. Like,

you know, why do you want to be healthy? Why do you want to, you know, establish a better diet? And then when we get into the dating world or if we're already in a relationship, that can like bump heads if somebody is like, well, I'm fine with the way I eat. Like, that's cool. You can stop eating meat, but I'm for sure not. And like that can kind of sometimes bump heads. So, you know, I think it's one of those things of establishing like you're, I always tell people you have to establish your why. Like, is it just weight loss? Do you want to feel better? Is this a, is there a moral dilemma? You know, cause we make these diet changes for different reasons. Um, moral dilemmas are a little bit harder, for sure.

Like if all of a sudden you had a come to Jesus moment and you're like, I'm not touching animal products anymore, you're going to have a really hard time dating somebody who like eats meat or is paleo or like kind of the opposite. Do you find people when they have the moral dilemma, they accept that morally for them they're not going to do it it but like they accept that other people haven't had that come to jesus or do you find that there's like well i've decided like almost a religion yes i've found this to be the case i need you if you want to be with me to share these same values well i i'm definitely not a huge fan of diet dogmas i know we've i've talked to you about this before, where it's like, regardless if it's moral or if it's like, you know, I see this a lot in my profession. When you know so much about certain foods, you can sometimes get a little bit on your soapbox about like, you shouldn't be eating Doritos, you know. But at some point, we kind of get this dogma of

like, I'm making these choices, so that makes me a better person. When we think our diet makes us a better person, then we usually tend to have a harder time accepting that somebody may not eat the same way as us. But if you're like, I'm making these choices and you may not be on the same page, that's cool. As long as you respect the fact that I'm making this choice, I'm gonna respect the fact that you're making your own choice and we can still exist in this relationship.

And maybe when we go out to eat or we're sharing a meal, we just make sure there's kind of something for both of us at the table. So there needs to be a compromise. But there's some people where that's not the case, you know, where it's like, I made this choice and you aren't choosing the same. And therefore, I'm either going to hold it against you every time that we're eating separately or I'm going to make my choice of changing diet like our problem. Like, oh, I wish I could have that. Oh, you're having Subway?

Oh, I wish I could have that. But I can't because somebody told me I shouldn't. You're not owning the fact that your decision to make a change is like coming from your own choice. It's like you want your partner to make your diet choices easier on yourself. Oh, I hear it all the time. Like, oh, this would be so much easier. But you know, my husband at night, like he likes his ice cream. So then I have the ice cream. It's like, he can have all the ice cream he wants. And if you want to have the ice cream, so can you. But like, if you make a choice, like, hey, I kind of want to cut back on my sugar and dairy,

don't eat the ice cream. I mean, I'm assuming you've experienced people where like it literally creates relationship problems when it comes to like diet choices. I mean, maybe there's always like an underlying issue of like, you never support me, not even with my diet. Yeah. You know, because there's that, you know, we've kind of been taught this like, well, if it's not in the house, I won't eat it. Right. So it's like, well,

if your partner is bringing it in the house and you have that idea that it's like everyone else's, it's everyone else's responsibility for you to adhere to whatever diet or lifestyle change that you're making, like you're going to fail. So what I work with my clients is really establishing like, well, why are we even suggesting this? Like I'm a big proponent of if I recommend anything to you, I'm explaining to you exactly why, like why you should do this, because this is how it's affecting the way you're currently feeling. Then when you make that choice to do that, you have a much more confident and like self-assured reason of like i'm making this choice because i i know why i'm making this choice not just because maria told me like no one's going

to continue doing something just because someone told you to like you're going to be like oh she said not to do this but like i really want it so i'm just not going to listen to her right like we're we're okay with like breaking the rules of what someone told us not to do. But if your true reason is to feel better and you maybe have some existing health issues going on and having those chocolate chip cookies legitimately sets you back because of X, Y, and Z, you're going to not care if your husband has them or your partner or whoever you're dating. Have you ever had clients who changed their eating habits, who were single, really kind of just improved

their overall wellness, then they meet someone, are excited, honeymoon stage, and all of a sudden slowly decreased from all the things that they were doing? Well, it's funny, because part of me kind of wants to see that, not like a slow decrease, but I want to see flexibility, right? Yeah, because I think if you're somebody who's single and you make all these changes and you're feeling really great, you're liking the way you look, you feel good in your clothes, you have all this confidence, you're attracting people.

And then if you go into that relationship and feel like you have to kind of white knuckle what worked for you, you're not going to be fun. if you're like oh but i don't but i don't drink and i don't do this and oh you want to go for pizza but i don't do gluten and and so all of a sudden it's like okay cool you're you're kind of a fun sponge but at the same time you still have to establish those boundaries so i think it's important for us to have some flexibility. Like, yeah, I tend to not go out on a Tuesday night for some drinks, but this guy that I like is asking me to. Goes to trivia night at a bar?

Yeah. So it's like, okay, so go out Tuesday night, and then maybe hold back on the drinks Thursday, Friday. So it's like this negotiation and boundary that you have to set for yourself so that you can be flexible in meeting somebody. But yeah, I've had people where like a couple months later, they're like, so pretty much everything that helped me become more attractive and more dateable is like out the window. And now I feel like back to square one. And they have this come to Jesus moment that I call like where it's like, oh, crap, like I'm not doing anything.

Just listen to you talk. If I were to play devil's advocate, because I would sometimes these diet changes for people can be challenging to do. And it takes a lot to have this commitment. And the only way they're able to to do it, you know, is to like kind of be hardcore and have that balance. So what are some tips and tricks or recommendations for someone who's just like, if I don't, if I cheat, if I go undo this on Tuesday, I know it's a slippery slope into just giving this all up. Yeah. So I'm a big fan of the thought of picking your poisons, right? So it's like, if or pick when that's going to happen or be flexible of when that could be so that if somebody brings up, hey, let's go, you go out Tuesday for trivia

night. And then it's all of a sudden it's like, well, this was so much fun. Let's go to like, listen to some jazz music Wednesday night. And you're like, okay, and then let's go to happy hour Thursday. You can at least be like, you know what, I had my two nights. And not to say you can't go out a third night, but I think it's important for us to have that flexibility and know what's not going to totally set you back. And maybe if you go out, you give yourself a two-drink minimum. Yeah, totally. Or you have a couple of drinks because you're, you know.

And again, for those of you people who no one's saying to go out, you have to have a few drinks too. But if you ideally would like to have a drink or two, do it. But two drinks is different than six. So similar with food too, right? So it's like,

okay, he asked me to go to get pizza. And it's like, ah, you know, I'm really trying to cut back on eating out or the carbs or dairy. Maybe it's a food group or, or I know I don't feel well when I eat that.

So I think that that's like really important so I had a teacher I had a professor who was great and um he was like I know I don't do well with dairy I know it kills me but I love pizza and so here's the truth for the whole month I stay away from pizza and one or two times I know because I want it I'm gonna have pizza and I'm gonna feel like total ass tomorrow. And I'm totally cool with it. He's like, so he picks his poison. He's like, that's my pizza is my poison.

I'm still going to have it. And I'm OK with the way it's going to turn out. Yeah. So I think that's setting those boundaries. So you're not having pizza every night of the week just because you like it. Right. So it's kind of like, what are the things that you know if you weren't going to do,

like you kind of would probably feel miserable. And then pick a couple of times that you do that and set that boundary. I think whether you're making a healthy diet for yourself or you're in a relationship, like setting boundaries with what you know you want makes everything so much less emotional. It's interesting that way too

because I feel like a lot of people, and I even speak for myself, it's like, it's all or nothing. Like I'm either gonna stay away from it or I'm gonna just do it, right? Yeah. But interesting enough, they're talking about your professor advice you give.

It's like giving yourself permission to cheat. I mean, people have heard of cheat days. No one's invented like this. Right. But like really holding to that, right? Because then it's just like, it's, you know, I had my cheat day. That's my cheat day. Or I'm going to go out or this.

But like for me, it was just like, oh, well, I'm going to stay away from soda. And then if I have soda, then the next day it's like, well, I just went to yesterday. So like, fuck it. I'll just have another one today. Well, that's why I actually don't like the term cheat days. I hate cheat days because I think that like gives us this like well let's say for six days of the week you did really well and it's like well it's my cheat day so i'm gonna go all out and i'm gonna do everything i haven't done it's so much harder to come back around

the next day versus that's a good point no not cheat day because it's not a cheat day but just having like like your you reference like having a soda it's like okay you had the soda and if you're like soda doesn't make me feel great. It's kind of, you know, not that great for me. You can have the soda and then like emotionally move on from it instead of being like, well, I had the soda. So let's go have it tomorrow. Like you're able to kind of like shut the door on it and be like, I had it.

Cool. It was all right. It's fine. It's not that great. That's what I'll do. Because if I like, I mean, I don't have like, but if I feel like I'm having a cheating moment, I'll binge on a bunch of things. But here's why I'm not a huge fan of that because like life is never without a distraction, a holiday, a vacation, a wedding, you getting sick, something that's going to bring in either a temptation or inhibitions. So if you feel so nervous about those type of situations that might make you choose to

do something that you've sworn off, it's going to happen again and again and again. But if you're able to infuse whatever diet or lifestyle or let's say workout into like life, then when that stuff comes up, you're so much more able to be like, okay with the fact that it might slide, right? Like I might not be able to do this while I'm traveling or when it's my grandma's 90th birthday or a holiday. So you have that flexibility and it's not just like, well, from Thanksgiving to New Year's, it's just going to be this big gorge fest because there's something all the time. And that's, I don't, the all or nothing really sets you up for that. Yeah.

You have to like climb out of a hole, right? Like you're on a mountain for three, fourths of it. I feel like that's a lot of people, including myself. It's just like all or nothing. So a lot of what I work with my clients is like how do we establish that balance like balance is so key for anything to be successful long term you know and in the beginning you might have to white knuckle it right because sometimes it's just like a matter of cleaning out some like rocks in the muddy water like you gotta get rid of the boulders before we start like cleaning the other crap out. But eventually you want to have an ability to bring it into your life

and like live life with some, you know, boundaries. I mean, boundaries are necessary. We need boundaries for ourselves. We need boundaries with our food. We need boundaries with our spouses and our kids and our bosses. I mean, it's no different. Yeah, it's tough though. Yeah, it's tough, though. It's so tough. But once people kind of feel better, and, you know, back to your thing about

if somebody eats differently, it's if you establish a boundary for yourself. Again, you can't establish a boundary for someone else. Like, that's not your child. Like, I can't establish a boundary for my else. That's not your child. I can't establish a boundary for my husband and be like, well, because I'm not doing it, you're not doing it. That's not fair. And you're both going to fail. And you'll be miserable at whatever it is that you're approaching. But if you're like, I'm doing this, and that's cool if you don't do it. And you don't need to share your reasons.

But if you're firm with the reason why you're doing it you're less apt to like succumb to temptation right helpful yeah well before we get to uh our uh callers uh where can people find you who are some of the people that you work with on a daily basis and why are what are some reasons people might want to consult with you? Yeah, so my website is mariavile.com. I work with people remotely, so I work with people all over. They don't need to be established in Milwaukee. But I also do some online programs too for people. This is really to kind of help guide people. There's one, you they're they kind of two

different things but in general they're there to kind of give you advice guidance support but I work with people you know it's interesting kind of all different walks of life I've people who are looking just for a healthy change you know they need to do something they're not feeling that great I work with a lot of people who have maybe a specific condition or diagnosis that they want some advice on how to eat or feel better because they just haven't found the way. People with weight loss, you know, kind of all different digestive issues. So, you know, nutrition can help from a kind of general standpoint, but it also can be incredibly powerful when someone's not feeling that great for maybe some specific medical conditions. Well, check out Maria at MariaVal.com. Also, Maria, again,

as part of the Natural Habits family, and we have our wellness tips that we put out every week, usually at natural habits on Instagram. Just usually some, usually three to four healthy wellness tips that have a lot to do with eating and habit based in some ways to incorporate essential oils. But a lot of it is just mostly diets. Yeah. I think it's good to have simple tips that you can implement.

Just natural habits. We natural healthy habits. We try to implement. So check that out. And anything else before we get to our callers? Rochelle, anything? No, I'm learning so much. That's why I'm so quiet.

I'm like, oh, yes. We talk a lot. Yeah, we have another great show for you. Maria sticks around and helps me answer some questions from callers. Very interesting panel today. And I think you will enjoy it. Relatable. Relatable. Relatable.

And check us out tomorrow for our Bachelor recap with a special guest. Are you kidding me? This episode was so good. And then check us out on Wednesday when Tanya Rad joins us. A wonderful human being and friend

and I think you will really enjoy it so thanks again as always for sticking with us three days a week now I feel like people like it so far

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flavors and caramel coloring, 35% alcohol by value. Alright, how's it going? Hi, I'm Kim. Hi, Kim. I'm 33 years old, calling from Canada. How are you? I'm great. I'm great. How are you, Kim? Excellent. I'm really excited to run my conundrum by you. All right, let's hear it.

So I was a bit of a late bloomer in life, so I didn't actually have my first real boyfriend until I was 29 years old. And obviously that didn't last, but you start going through that, like running through what's my future going to be, which is like the most terrible thing you could do. So I've always envisioned being a mom. That's been my heart and soul. Always. I teach early childhood education. So it's just who I am through and through. And after that relationship, I was so broken. But after I processed everything, I kind of realized what I was more broken about was I had dreamed about this future. And now like, oh, my gosh, I'm in my 30s. What's going to happen with my life? it really, really hard and just like hated my life. And then I kind of reached this place of, you know, self-love, self-acceptance and realized that I am a woman and now 2020 and I can make a family on my own. So I thought about doing it biologically for a little while and it just

never landed. I'm a big fan of trusting my gut and it just didn't land. Did you actually go through the process and try? I didn't actually go through the process. I just kind of let it sit. I learned a lot about it. Gotcha. And decided it wasn't... You did some recon, you investigated, and then came to a conclusion that now's not the right time. Not my thing.

I wouldn't be able to do it solo, I feel like. It just wouldn't be my thing. Okay. So as a teacher, I get to know a lot of kids. And one day while I was at work, the idea of adoption just landed for me because like, I don't picture myself having a little baby by myself, but I totally picture myself having a child who may have been passed over because I'm able to do that. I'm an educator, so I feel comfortable in that. So that very night, I went home and I started the process of adoption.

So I'm just under a year in as a single lady. Really excited about it. I've got a lot of family support. I also do know and have realized that I do eventually want to have a significant other. More to enhance my life, but I don't want to force it and wind up with someone that doesn't fit for me. So I'm in that position of like, do I date right now and be like, hey, surprise, I'm going to have a kid one day. Not going to be yours. It's going to be mine. It's just a tricky position. Do I go out on the app? Do I just wait it out until I have the child with me? I'm not in a rush, but I'm also like, I don't want to not be making an effort. How old are you? 33.

I'm 33. So that's your conundrum or how does my conundrum i i don't think it's much of a conundrum i don't either um i really don't i it's it's fascinating i say good for you but you don't really hear this much right you hear it's more i've had a kid of my own you know i, I, for whatever reason, maybe you were married or in a relationship or whatever, you get the single mom question often of, you know, where I'm at. I had a friend who not too long ago was considering what you were considering before of having her own child on her own, being artificially inseminated. And then she was asking me about,

like, you know, going out and dating and what she was asking me about like you know going out and dating and what's it going to be like and that that that can be tricky in terms of like i'm going to get pregnant on my own and and but you're thinking of adopting and so you're not going to get pregnant right um there's not going to be any kind of period in which you know your body is going to be changed or anything like that not that there's you know my advice to her was like well go out and date you know like whatever you're. You're, in your case, I think it's great. I mean, I'm thinking on my own, if I were to meet a woman who told, like who, let's say we met, right? And you told me your story, I would be like, that's such an attractive thing, you know?

I would think that to be a really attractive thing. You know, it's like, I think sometimes single moms get self-conscious about, well, will a guy want to date me if I'm a single mom? You know, as a guy who hasn't settled down yet, who wants kids, I've dated single moms. It's great. I mean, I think there's sometimes as a guy, there's a little anxiety because it's like, oh, you know, well, what if their dad doesn't, you know, what if there's issues with the dad? Or what if there's, you know, in terms of kind of the having to respect the family dynamic you're kind of dating into, right? And I think as a guy who might date a single mom, there's that kind of reluctance on my part. You don't have to deal with that. You're just, you're adopting a child and you're doing this great

thing. And, you know, I mean, there's some, yeah, if you date a parent, there's going to be, it's a different situation, you know, you're not going to be going out and maybe having the exact same amount of freedom that you would as a kid. But I mean, you're also 33, you know, you're not like a 22 year old who's going to go, you know, needs to meet someone who's, you're probably not going to meet someone who's going to be clubbing all the time or wanting to go out multiple times a week. I don't need someone to raise, no thanks. Yeah. So there's a good chance that the person you date is going to be around your age maybe even older um it would it could be kind of bonkers if you're like i'm adopting and

then i met a 24 year old like that that might not be a plan for you but i think it's a great thing i don't think you you should i don't think you should give it two thoughts about um should i date or not. If you want to date, you absolutely should. And I guess I would encourage you, too, to, like, still make sure that you want to – this adopting thing is great, but don't put any other – I would emphasize, don't put any other part of your life on hold. Your dating life, your desire to have your own children. life, your desire to have your own children. It's great that you're doing this, but don't let adopting and being a way to kind of mask the other things you've always wanted for yourself. You know what I'm saying? That's a good point. Let this be the great thing that it is, but not

something that you're doing to try to forget that you still want to have your own family or meet someone or settle down. No, that's really good advice i guess the other thing i would wonder if i do go about the app dating because honestly i'm not going to meet a bar star at 33 you know where i want to um a bar star oh i like that so we enter a bar i'm assuming it's someone who's a star at the bars yes the bar star that's great a lot of bar you don't want to go home with that guy. Did you make this up, Abby? Can we steal this? That is a great line.

I think it's Saskatchewan lingo, but you're more than welcome to use it. Oh, that Canadian wit. We're bringing it. We're bringing it. L.A. I like it. Bar stars. Bar stars.

That's so good. Do I put it on my profile that I'm a future adoptive mom, or do I just kind of like go with the flow? No. But it popped up. No. Again, let this be the great thing that it is. put it on my profile that I'm a future adoptive mom or do I just kind of like no no no again let this be the great thing that it is this doesn't redefine who you are you don't need to put a banner up certainly not on your dating profile it doesn't have to be all over your social media it's just something you are doing for yourself and for this child and then when you even on

your first date it's not like something in the first five minutes, oh, just so you know, before we get ahead of ourselves, you need to know that I adopted a kid. No, like meet the guy on a first date, find out if you're even interested in getting to know him, find out if you're even interested in letting him get to know you. Maybe on a second date, if you want to tell him on the first date, fine, but don't feel like you need to let him know. This is not some baggage you are all of a sudden taking on at all. So don't feel like, oh, God, I got to let him know. This is not baggage.

Don't create something that's not baggage into baggage. This is just a really cool thing that you're considering doing that I just don't feel like would limit you from finding anyone that I'm assuming you would want to meet? I'm going to interject here really quick. I'm 100% doing it. I'm on the wait list. It's part of me. So I mean, I don't consider it baggage, but I definitely thought it might be a challenge in dating. So it's really good to hear the opposite perspective of there not being a father figure, the family dynamic, all of that, that really helps. Yeah. I mean, so a couple of things, like one, kudos to being a late bloomer. Like I was 100% a late bloomer. But look at like how much more mature you are in your decisions.

You're like, I thought about this. I sat with it. I'm like, nah. But now I think it's so you have a pretty good intuition. You give yourself time to kind of come to that. you have a pretty good intuition and you give yourself time to kind of come to that. So I think with that, knowing that, and I can say this as a new mom is like, there, it's going to be, it's going to be tough. You're, you know, it's going to consume a lot of your time, but at the same time, if it's something that you know, you want to do,

and you know, that's going to be part of like kind of completing who you are that's just going to like make you most likely more attractive to people right so the other thing similar to nick is what nick said is when you when you go about it and and while you're going about it i think that there's something to be said knowing that it's not going to just all of a sudden be easy, right? There's going to be some challenges with that. And that may or may not affect your ability to date as much. But make sure that you definitely take that time to like fulfill your desire to find someone, you know, because kids can be super consuming. And just if your desire is to find someone that you want to be with, just really make sure that that is as important as this whole adoption process and when and if you get a

the adoption process and when and if you get a lovely child that you schedule that time for you. Because I think you'd be remiss if you kind of got caught up in feeling that desire just with the child. Yeah, I mean, I would agree. And that's the only thing when you're telling your story before you kind of drop the adoption thing on us is that again the adoption thing is great but being a late bloomer you've only had one relationship and it sounds like you know you you dated someone you finally had a first boyfriend at 29 there were some heart like i don't care what age you are the first time you experience real love and heartbreak it's a terrible feeling you just you've literally never felt that way before this loss of and so it makes sense that

you know and the panic of you know we've all been there of oh okay i'm at this age and i wanted to have kids etc etc and i'm sure it's you know different for women uh than for men but and again i'm not discouraging any way the adoption thing. I think it's a great thing. But, you know, I agree with Maria. Make sure, like you are still young. For sure.

Most people don't marry their first loves. And just because you were a late bloomer. But she's also from Saskatchewan. And may I make an assumption that it's like people are limited well people get married young and start families young i mean like you probably know people who are your age who have like a couple kids there's either the party guy who just never settles down ever it seems or there's the guy that got married early or and it's divorce great hey those guys those married and now divorced are the best maria maria married one i married one and i

didn't get married till i was 36 and i only had like three boyfriends and i had been engaged before to my first boyfriend and like so and that was a mess that's a total mess over that one but i'm just saying though like i totally hear, but you're only 33. I literally got married when I was 36, and I had my first baby when I was 37. I love hearing you say you're only 33. Thanks for that. No, you are super. And first of all, you look really young, too.

When you turn 40, you're going to meet someone who's 35 and be like, oh, girl. I'm telling you, your 30s are your best years for sure. So you're just like right at the beginning of it. Yeah. So I guess the other thing with it is I think it's really great to go towards this adoption thing. But I wouldn't, like I kind of feel like part of you is like, I really want to have a kid. I feel like it may not happen for me. I've had this boyfriend.

I'm not seeing anyone else. I think you need to give yourself maybe a little bit of time. And I know it sucks because I'm sure people compare their stories all the time. Like, don't worry, the person will come. Like it happened to me. But you've been single for three years um yeah it was 2017 so yeah about that yeah girl i mean to be honest if you would have said i looked into the artificial insemination process and i'm considering doing that etc etc

should i date again i wouldn't discourage you from doing that if that's what you wanted to do i would i would i would probably emphasize more and remind you more that you've only had one boyfriend and you're still 33 so let's not panic you know uh the adoption thing is a unique thing i think actually kind of neat and i just can only imagine meeting a young woman who's like i'm single and i've adopted a kid i would have been like that's definitely pretty cool like a strong woman you know so again by all means like continue to look through that process but i i really agree with maria take a long look in the mirror and think about you know where you're at and just make sure that what if you do this you're doing this because you are in fact ready and has nothing to do with your panicking because at that point

you can adopt a kid when you're 40 when maybe when maybe you know again you're things are going to work out for you but so just make sure you are ready you know i look at family dynamics too like my brother has little ones so like i feel very supported and very confident especially like being a teacher like my heart is so so there and i know that it wasn't just a band-aid because it was quite a while after the fact. So that part of my life is so settled and I'm so comfortable with. But I do like the piece of you saying not giving up on the rest and still pursuing the rest. I would get that.

If you, especially if you decide or are able to adopt a child, I would, I mean, obviously you have to take care of the child. And as Maria said, there's a lot of time commitment and it can be very consuming. to take care of the child. And as Maria said, there's a lot of time commitment and it can be very consuming, but I would make that a point of emphasis for yourself to make sure that you actually, instead of you were saying, oh, do I still stay on dating apps? I would make dating and fulfilling your personal life a point of emphasis for you and make it a top priority. Obviously, in addition to making sure you're, you know, the child's getting what it needs is from a parenting standpoint. Yeah, absolutely. Because I think what we can do is, it sounds like you have family, you said your brother, so you have some examples of like a family unit. So you have these really

great, these really great examples around you. And I would also encourage you like, kind of look at what's around. So when you see people who are like married and have babies, is there any sort of like, oh, I wish that was me? You know, like quite a while ago there was. Yeah. I've just really been at peace lately. Okay. So like that's the part that's put me in this conundrum.

I feel like I should probably be making more of an effort than I am. No. What I was going to say about that is I think that like really celebrate the family, the families around you, the moms around you, the people who have kids, like really spend time with those kids. And sometimes I think we're going to keep saying you're young, one, because you are. You are. I mean, 33 is young. And so continue to look at the adoption process. young. And so continue to look at the adoption process. And like, I would also always stay open and being like, you know, this or something better type of mentality. Like I'm going to look into

this because I know when I have kids, but still know that there is probably potential right around you, but like, just don't be so narrowly focused of like, I'm going to fill this need to have a family by kind of jumpstarting it and not fulfill the need of having a companion too. You know, I think it's, I think we can do that quite easily. And I'm telling you, those divorce guys, they learn from their first marriage. And then all of a sudden, they're like a better version of themselves. On Bumble, what are you looking for? Must have been divorced. No, a divorcee who's learned a few lessons.

Bios are so overrated. But if you notice a guy who has been divorced, don't let that discourage you. Not at all. Or has a kid, maybe. Or has a kid. Yeah, that's a great point. Plus, much easier adoption process.

Yeah, right. Exactly. But I do have to say, I think it's amazing that you're looking at adopting as a single woman and feeling super confident. You have a pretty mature outlook on things. It doesn't sound rash. You sound like you have. I would agree.

So I think you have to follow your gut. It sounds like you do. You practice some discernment. And just don't let it hold you back from what you really want. I think that's kind of the resounding message. All right. We'll take some risks yeah definitely i think that's good for you know that's a good point because i don't know you at all but you might not be the biggest risk taker uh i am in my professional life not in my personal yeah so girlfriend i totally understand you and if this is not a mistake at all there's something that no i am i'm not i wasn't relation i wasn't relation

nick in her personal life she was not much of a risk taker no like emotional like with oh with like dating yes or yeah and your career you're like what are you talking about we're a bit of over thinkers nick i moved to other countries you sat home in Milwaukee I lived in Hungary where no one spoke English for a year and you stayed in Milwaukee

I'm not talking about that she didn't go on a reality show anyways what I was going to say with that is what I was going to say with that is if it's scary dating the best advice i got from a

friend was if anything you'll walk away with a good story like even if it's like a total crash and burn you'll have a great story to share with your friends right call us up and let us know yeah so don't don't put too much weight into it if i I go on a really horrible date, I can email you guys. Totally. Yes, please. And I say that with terrible advice. As one 33-year-old to another, just don't panic. Yeah. We want to panic, but we don't need to panic. You do want to panic, but yeah, just...

You guys rock so much. This is more than I even thought I would get from you. So that's so awesome. I'm going to take some risks and we'll see what for calling best of luck take care you guys bye uh yeah in what way you would uh uh we're both over thinkers but like especially well like i remember college going to college should i go should i do this should i go should i do this well okay that doesn't mean it's a defensive because you just like painted me as like i sat in waukesha the whole time like i've traveled like a nerve you did so i think that's really i think that was not a very accurate description of me.

Okay. I've lived in more countries than you have. Just because I didn't do The Bachelor. Oh, God. Jesus. How's it going? Good. How are you?

Great. I'm Kelsey. I'm 31. Hi, Kelsey, 31. How can we help um so my question is that the past few guys that i've dated um that i thought things were potentially going to get serious they've ended things by saying that i deserve more than what they can give me so i just want to know i guess what they really mean by that did they give examples um i mean that's really what they say they're just like you deserve more than what i can give

right now and they kind of leave it at that so okay well let me let's dive into you here for a second how these these guys you've you've dated um how how did you meet them are they were they kind of back to back dating app dating app okay uh but then i see them also on the app later usually as well yeah of course uh they haven't like just because they didn't want to date you doesn't mean they've given up on love um but as far as like what are when you're looking for a guy like what are like what made you decide with each of those guys this is a guy i want to pursue um i'm the attraction i guess um i mean i feel like i do go out and like meet quite a few guys but then the in-person connection is obviously more rare

um but then the feeling seems to be mutual so we end up dating for a few months okay um and then i think when things start to get to that point of either continuing and being more serious they tend to break it off and give me that reason. And this is exclusive? Like you guys were exclusively dating? That conversation happened? Yeah. Okay. About being exclusive or you were?

Yeah, like dating exclusively, but I've never gotten to the point of, I don't know the difference, I guess, necessarily either, but like putting the title on it of boyfriend and girlfriend as well. Sure. When you think back, I mean, necessarily either, but putting the title on it of boyfriend and girlfriend as well. Sure. When you think back, are there any common themes with these relationships of how you act, per se? So you meet a guy, you go on a date, and for you, personally, you think to yourself, you know what? It's something there. I want to keep hanging out with him. What do you do at that point? what you know man something there let's uh i want to keep hanging out with them how do you what what do you do at that point where do you go from there

i mean i yeah if i see potential like i like to give it my all just to say i can try like i did try um so maybe that's coming off the wrong way um but that's kind of I think my common denominator is I just like to give it everything I have just to say I tried are you looking are you in a position right now where you're kind of looking for like a companion like a long term or are you like okay with dating okay so there's a little bit of dating to yeah develop yeah and i do want to get married and have a family one day so that is what i'm looking for when you say you give it your all which is great always nothing wrong with giving your all uh what do you mean by that and like because you you know as you say this is all going on within the first month or two

so like what is what is giving it your all mean to you when you meet a guy, you haven't defined any relationship, you are hanging out on a somewhat consistent basis? What do you start doing at that stage? I mean, I like to make time for that person. I don't ever neglect my friends necessarily, but'll uh just make time for that person in my life invite them over like i like to give and just take care of people too so i like to like to have people guys over and make dinner and things like that um to me that do you feel like looking back that in these situations uh you're the one asking to hang out more often than they're reaching out to you. Like, hey, come over. I'll make you dinner. Looking back, yeah. Hey, let's go see a movie,

you know, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. Yeah. And then my last question, well, not my last, but another question is, these three guys, you said this happened the past three times. What's the timeframe in which you liked the first guy and when you liked the last guy? Like the first guy this happened with was almost exactly a year ago. And then there was one over summer. That's three guys in a year, which I'm not saying is a ton, but there's not that many great guys out there. I guess what I'm saying is I think my guess is, and like, listen, you are not alone.

I mean, this is like half our audience. Classic fuck boy line right there. Not even necessarily fuck boy. And this is, let's not blame the guys here. Really? I blame the guys. No, I think. I think it's a difference in what you both were looking for.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with somebody wanting to hang out. But your needs and what you're looking for and what they're looking for is different. And I, I, well, that's what I'm saying. I think you're just,

I don't know these guys. I'm sure they're fine. I don't doubt there was a mutual connection, but I think as soon as you feel any type of connection and spark, as long as like, I feel like for you, you're either like, you'll go on a date and

you're like i'm not interested and then you move on yeah right or then and then you if by the way if you meet a guy and you're kind of interested you're just like you get excited and listen these are all normal things yeah right but then you start like really going for it you know and you start moving it forward and you start well i need us i want to be i want to try hard so i'm going to do this x y and z just because you feel that initial attraction and interest doesn't mean you have to like you can still just you still have a lot to learn about someone and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are deserving of um your kind of uh vetting process to see if he's your guy, so to speak.

He's just a guy you have a connection with. And so like slow roll it and kind of see how it feels. Because yes, the pattern is you like a guy and you are moving it way too fast than it should. And then you're playing house a little bit. And he's kind of like, well, she's cool. So I want to hang out with her. She seems like a nice person, but like, oh, you know, I'm a little bit and he's kind of like well she's cool so i want to hang out with her she seems like a nice person but like oh you know i'm a little yeah i'm getting a little you're kind

of squeezing the shit out of the guys you like so to speak emotionally and listen you're not the only one like this is everyone who's listening is relating i mean that you know who's single and i think it's a it's a common thing i can only speak from my standpoint but i think it's a common thing. I can only speak from my standpoint, but I think it's a common thing for women, right? Like you're in your 30s. You probably have friends who are like partnered up. You meet a guy that you're like, he seems cool. We have this connection.

Like I'm just like casually inviting him over and like we're just casually having dinner and like we're a lot of fun. No, but I think though that like, I think we get, we can emotionally, it's like, if somebody seems like there might be something, we kind of get this like, well, let's kind of like create why the, how this could work out. Like he seems nice enough. And then we get really invested and we sometimes overextend, over invite. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. But I

think for yourself, you might find a peace of mind because right now you're i feel like you're asking like how does this how do i change this right like how do i get this to change i think the more that you can be excited so you can be excited about meeting somebody and having a connection but then like allow yourself like some breathing room right yeah like breathe and be like okay cool we hang out cool i'm gonna like do my thing and like allow myself to be excited but maybe allow myself to know that it's it's part of being really happy with who you are without anyone and that sounds so like cliche but like being okay with like being alone but also yeah correct me if like let me ask you when you

that initial reaction attraction when you look back on the on those three guys how much kind of kind of echoing what maria said how much after the initial attraction did you stop and think like a weekend two weeks in a month in how am i feeling about this guy you know how do i feel because my guess is once you kind of likes the guy you just decided i'm going to try to make it work with him yeah you know and i think that's what a little i when you know men do it too but i feel like especially uh women in their late 20s early 30s when they're feeling the pressure of of settling down it's hard for them to meet people they like but once they meet any guy with a connection they just like

turn off all their like requirements and like stand not necessarily standards but they just say well i like him so i gotta get up with this this and this and yeah you just you know come over and i'll make let's play house and i think if for maybe the next time you meet you have that attraction yeah go out just you know there's nothing wrong with reaching out but just always kind of like each week kind of say how how does he make me feel does he reach out to me is he asking me out on dates or am i always reaching out to him like why am i always asking him out? Right, exactly. You know, is he doing the things that I, you know, when I sit back, when I'm single and I'm like,

you know, hanging out with my girlfriends and I, and my girlfriend say, describe in very detail the guy you want to meet. And you make a very detailed list. And I'm not saying you don't do that in terms of like, this guy has to match everything. Yeah, it's like a check. But are you, when you like a check but but are you when you like a guy are is he feeling meeting any any of these needs because my guess is when you've met these guys you never asked that question once you just were like i like them and so he's nice and attractive and i feel this initial spark and that's good enough for me and i hate to say this

but there's no way that all three of these guys were knock them out of the park no there's no stand up wonderful like oh another wonderful one got away yeah i just yes i can confidently say that and you're a lovely person like that's not on you but i'm you know what like what nick is saying is get excited like it but yeah like if if you are just going to like oh there's an attraction i like this guy um and it's more so because you just really want to find someone i'm gonna quote my brother he may not have made this up but he always says desperation is a stinky cologne and so like i think sometimes if we are so desperate to find someone and i'm not saying you're desperate but that need of being like girl i've been there like that need of being like i just want to find someone and he seems really

good like we just all of a sudden just like we just start perspiring this like stank of like you it's me and you buddy and they're probably like i can't give you everything you need you know and like read a book about the art of negotiation i don't try to like oh really just like the i'm not trying to unromance the dating process but yes like there's a little like there is a there's always game playing and right you know when you meet someone you have a connection with you again you're just it's like striking a deal and you're just like where do i sign you know like yeah um and he's just like whoa i don't know i'm like i haven't even like written out my clauses

yet like you're like you're offering me this deal for free i don't what if it's is it free because sometimes free can get really expensive you know because and there's a it's that same mentality so my advice to you is be excited when you go on a date and like a guy. And that's a great thing. Don't overthink that, but just remind yourself that I still don't know him. Still be a lot to learn. When you get excited about a guy, don't try to find problems, but just be open to the fact that you just have a lot to learn about him. Any guy you meet is going to have his pros and cons. There's going to be things about him that you're not going to like. Be open to learning about that, not as a way to not like him,

but to realize that he's just a guy. And you have to really find if there's a connection there. And if you are, as you do that, you will probably find that you are less kind of, you know, jumping on him and always asking him. make yourself a little unavailable sometimes. Yeah. Have you, have you actually, and I know this sounds like a cliche journaling exercise, but have you ever like taken time to like write down or think about and like really

take an honest look at the type of person you want to be with? Like the qualities that you're really looking for i've started to more recently but definitely in the past haven't yeah so i think the more you can become really clear and maybe have some examples of relationships that you admire and like i think then you have a better standard set when you do meet someone to be like, okay, you seem cool. I like you. There seems to be something.

But then you at least have something to like, you know what you're looking for. And you're not, you may, but most cases you're probably not going to find somebody who checks all of those boxes, but you at least have an idea of what what your non-negotiables are right so i think it's important to know what you're looking for and then there's kind of like this like sorry i am i will not be with somebody who like whatever like swears at me or you know

you have a standard of what you're looking for that you can then bring into dating and and not have this like you like me i like you okay great this is it you know yeah and and and that and i agree with maria and that list shouldn't be like superficial things like i want him to have graduated from college and not have tattoos and you know i mean but have have those things but and that list should include things of how does he make you feel absolutely right um with his actions right um and again that that list is there to remind you once you have that initial excitement about a guy to check in with oh wait he actually hasn't done anything to make me feel this way and that feel and and don't mistake the feeling of i like him and it's exciting and that feeling of desire because like you're chasing him

that's very exciting but like yeah you know and and so I think that's what you need to do is kind of like next time you go in, prepare yourself of how to like process the excitement of liking a guy. Because right now you're probably suffocating them all a little bit. And you're not really doing anything that wrong. I'm sure like it's not like you're going crazy or doing anything out of control. You're just not qualifying them at all you're just giving

them totally a free pass past the initial attraction yeah yeah and you're and you're definitely not alone right and there's you know so that it's just that because i definitely agree with me there's no way these three guys were all that great. They were, they were fine and you liked them and that's neat. And then you just made them feel like they had you if they wanted them, wanted you. And what Nick said about becoming a bit, being unavailable sometimes I think is, it's really hard to do, especially if you're somebody who's like a giver, you're like, well, he wants to hang out with me. Like, why would I not hang out with him? But being unavailable for somebody that you're maybe excited about is not just good for you to just not always be around when they need you to but also for you

to establish a boundary a healthy boundary that if for example the next person you meet is the one you're going to want to have some sense of self and like healthy boundary established early because it's really hard to establish if like you don't in the beginning yeah you go on a couple dates make sure he's calling you for the third date or something yeah and then you know i know you're gonna have this fear but what if he doesn't call well if he doesn't call that means he's not as excited as you hope he was. That's it. Yeah, exactly. But what might happen, and that's totally normal, you go on a couple of dates, you don't call. A week later, he calls.

That's fine. You've only been on two dates. Just because there's initial attraction. Again, it's 2020. People, when they're dating, especially with dating apps, people might be dating three or four people at first, and then they kind of realize, oh, I really like this person,

and those people slow, the other people kind of fade away, right? Yeah. Acknowledge that, that happens. So if you go on a date with someone, there's a good chance they might have been on a date with someone else a week later, and they maybe have plans to go on a date

with someone else next week. You've only met them, so they don't know you. So just slow it down at first and kind of see how it's going. See if he reaches out to you. And I think if you start implementing some of these practices, you will find a different reaction from some of these men. You got to make your list yeah you and again i know it sounds so hokey and cheesy but if you never give yourself time to like acknowledge what you're looking for you're going to accept everything that feels remotely exciting and that's that's a sure stage of you calling back up in a few months and being like because right now your list is i find him attractive yeah he makes me laugh and he's not a total asshole yeah that's your list right now yeah

yeah so set some standards for you you're a beautiful girl like it's not like you have to like settle for whoever like swipes what way is accepting swipe right swipe right sorry i've never done that one um no but she's not liking everyone she's but the few people she has you know because i think it's hard right i totally get what you're telling me to accept everyone that like she wants to date with you you know like every time there's a connection like that's just like one aspect of this potentially becoming something right so yeah set your standard it It's hard. Dating is hard. It sucks.

Just a reminder, the most amount of people you will ever date that won't fail is one. And that's everyone. That's the maximum number of relationships you can have that won't fail. Dating is hard, you know? Yeah. So you don't get to like bat 300, so to speak. You bat like, you know, 100. You date 10 people. Maybe one works, you know? So don't get to like bat 300, so to speak. You bat like 100. You date 10 people, maybe one works.

So don't get discouraged. It's not meant to work out with most people. That's the idea of finding your one. And so I think people so quickly just get discouraged and try to make it work and force it. So try not to do that. All right? All right. right well best of luck you're gonna be great all right bye-bye bye yeah i thought that was just a line that guy said well

you know maybe it's a nice it is a nice line nice way but it might actually there's some truth to it i mean if she's inviting them over and she's making them dinner and they're like whoa this chick is like ready it's like i can't give you what you need and that there's truth to that like i can't be there and like play house and like commit to you and like be right on the same page it's also a line you know yeah i mean there you know these and that's why i was yeah there's plenty of situations where you know we call out the fuck it's the line we call it the fuck boys for being fuck boys but this is not a fuck boy problem this is a her problem yeah really well here's what some of those guys could have been fuck boys don't get me wrong but good guys who aren't fuck boys who are looking for relationships could meet our young

lady friend and decide to go, I don't know. She's just like, she's available. Well, just because I don't think that they were three knock-em-out-of-the-park guys, I don't think that they were three dicks. One might have been a fuckboy, two guys might have been seriously looking for a relationship.

But the continuing theme is her, right? She's gotten the same message from three people in one year. So it's like, at that point, it's like, is it the guy or is it something she's gotten the same message from three people in one year so it's like at that point it's like is it the guy or is it something she's doing and i think the fact that she even called up to be like what am i doing wrong shows that she's like totally she wants to change and i do think a lot of people will be like oh well you're just dating fuck boys yeah that's what i would say they're all fuck boys until they're not you know yeah that's maria's point it's like the person who's like i always have bad roommates yeah right like do you everyone around you always have around bad roommates huh

yeah i'm fighting with everyone around me i don't like drama but it's like oh what's the continuing theme here yeah so um listen yeah she is i there's a lot of people in that position guys and girls do it i find that that you know we talk about a lot like sometimes it feels like the women have this expectation of just like me back and i'll like you you know uh for the people they do like you know because it is hard to even like someone we all feel that and then once we like someone we're like we want to make it work because we feel this attraction but that initial attraction and actually falling in love with someone are miles apart oh my god how's it going good hi i'm sarah hi sarah

how old are you sarah how are you guys good how are you i'm good i'm 28 years old 28 wow all right nice little variety of our ages. I'm forever 28. That's like my... That's your dream age? Not my dream age. I just always feel like I'm 28. Like, you know, like when you're like, oh, shoot, I'm turning this. I still feel like I'm 28.

Anyways. Because you know you're not 21 because you're not doing the same thing. That's about me and that. That's total tangent. All right, Sarah. How can we help you? Yeah. All right, Sarah, how can we help you? Yeah, so this question isn't really, I feel like, have a yes or no answer. It's not really situational.

It's just more I was reflecting on some goals for 2020 and looking back at 2019. Obviously, this has a lot to do with dating, but I didn't really date much last year. I traveled a lot. I was busy with work. So for 2020, I was looking for advice on how I can approach dating to be more meaningful and get more out of it. I just feel like a lot of the dates have been going on recently with guys just haven't been going anywhere or they're going in a direction that isn't like commitment. So I'm just wondering like if there's things I can ask on dates or where I should be looking for dates. Maybe it's online. That's not the right place just for a way. So I'm

maximizing the time that I have because I am busy and I travel a lot. So just looking for a deeper. Can you ask her to tell you a little bit about her 2019 dating? And also, I just want to add, I picked this because I want tips for 2020. 2020 is going to be a good year. Rochelle's good at, Rochelle books these questions and sometimes she reads your emails and will have a habit of calling out our callers who sometimes leave out information. Is there something you want her to share? Yeah, I just want her to say what she's been doing the past year. What have you.

Yeah, well, that was my question. Can we dive in a little bit more specifically in some of your 2019 escapades? Yeah, I mean, when I wrote the email, I started really talking about what my goals were for 2019 because my 2018, I feel like dating was just really all over the place. I wasn't doing it for meaningful connections. I was having fun. So I approached 2019 for trying to find more meaningful connections with the guys that I'm dating. And I feel like I didn't really date much.

I was traveling pretty much the entire part of the year. And then maybe toward the end of the year, I started dating again. And then also in the summer, I had a situation with one of my best guy friends. And we kind of had a thing. And I was kind of hung up on it. So I kind of steered my dating in a different direction for a little bit. And then toward the end of the year, I started going back on dates again. And they just weren't really going the way I wanted them to.

Were you traveling for fun or for work? Or what were you traveling for? For work. I was traveling probably about two weeks out of the month. So I was almost never home. A lot of the month. So I was almost never home. A lot of the time I traveled alone. And I did that in 2018 as well. But when I was traveling alone, I was meeting people, having fun.

And then I feel like this year I was trying to be more career focused and just get my work done. So I wasn't really meeting people. Pretty boring, really. get my work done. So I wasn't really meeting people pretty boring. Really? Are you are you wanting to continue to date? Or are you like looking for some like a relationship? I think at 28 I'm looking for relationships. I mean, that comes with dating and I feel like I've been going on a lot of dates and it's just not necessarily going the direction that I want them to. I feel like pretty much all the guys I've been seeing recently are like, let's go back to your apartment. Like, okay. Like, it's just, I don't know if the conversations I'm not having aren't

getting to that point. Like, I don't know if men aren't taking me seriously. Like, I don't know if I'm just dating the wrong guys. Do I need to keep trying? Like, I don't know if I'm dating the wrong guys. Do I need to keep trying? Just out of curiosity, because like, listen, part of dating is kind of your picker, so to speak, in terms of guys. And sometimes our pickers can be off. There is that, right? But let's focus on you for a second.

If I were to be hanging out with your friends and you're not there, and I was like, hey, what do you think Sarah's biggest problem is when it comes to dating? What do you think they would say? Like, what are the things that you think you could do? And I mean, like really don't give me the, like I work too hard kind of answers,

you know, I'm a perfectionist, but like, what do you think if there's anything in terms of any patterns that you're kind of exhibiting in terms of from a dating standpoint um i guess i might come across as too casual like i would say a lot of my personal friendships are with guys like i have a lot of guy friends and i'm kind of like a guy's girl so when i'm going out on dates maybe i come across as being too much of a friend okay

and not as like a serious potential relationship for them like i really i enjoy sports so you know some dates i go on and like oh i want to watch the game together that sort of thing okay and i guess maybe that there's nothing wrong with that no not at all uh it was the reason i asked if you're looking for a relationship because when you're talking about your past years, like when you are sharing that, like what I hear is like that you don't want a relationship. You're like, oh, I was going out and I was traveling. I was meeting these people and it was a lot of fun.

Like you kind of emphasize how fun the dating was when there was maybe not this relationship expectation. And then when you kind of changed your goals of, I wanted to be a relationship, you wanted it to be fun, but you, so I, I'm just assuming like, not to say you can't have fun dating and it become a relationship,

but I think there's a difference between dating for like a fun time. Well, I mean, you can also kind of to Maria's point, you're like, do you think there was a time where, do you want a relationship or do you think you should be in a relationship um i think a little bit of both i mean yes i do want to be in a relationship but i don't want to force it just because i'm 28 or that's what i feel like I should be doing. I mean, listen, it's like, in terms of like reassessing your goals for 2020 or in a new year, it's kind of just that is figure out what you really want and,

and let the past be the past in terms of don't, you know, what you want now is in the present. It doesn't like, what you did in the past doesn't really have much of an impact in the sense like don't do things in 2020 to try to overcome things you've did or didn't do in the past if you want to be in a relationship now fine if you learn from your mistakes but like if you really want to settle down then um i don't i probably wouldn't change too much other than sometimes we feel the pressure of dating, so we force a little bit too much, right?

You know, like people always have the question in dating, well, how long should I wait till I sleep with the guy, et cetera, et cetera. Like I'm always like, well, do what you want to do, but do it in that moment in terms of like if you want to hook up with him, fine. I'm a hard believer in that if a guy really likes having sex with you and really likes you he will keep wanting to have sex with you not everyone wants to keep doing that like are you a movie they want to re-watch i mean it's the same for and he says that in the nicest most but the women are the same way sarah have you had sex with a guy that you thought it was fine

but like you didn't need to do it again and i bet have you had sex with another guy who thought to yourself i would like to watch that movie again yeah yeah totally right and it's the same way right and so you know some and you know we've had other colors sometimes we have a tendency of just don't project or pressure you know like kind of own your own decisions and i think you know men and women confidence really is attractive so whatever decision you make own that decision if you hook up with a guy on a first date or a second date don't ask him what he thinks or if he's judging you now you know what i'm saying don't like i think sometimes that'll that'll happen but like do you think i'm a slut do you think i'm a you know like you know i don't always do this you know above don't he doesn't you know

what i'm saying like don't do that like own your own decisions be safe if you want to wait to have sex you know don't apologize to him for making him wait um really be confident in your own decisions and what you want to do and that will be very attractive and that will attract i think men who uh are more ready to settle down by uh if when when men meet women who are confident what they want what two things are going to happen. Either they will be very attracted to you and then you will attract the right men or they will just kind of move on because they're probably that fuck boy stage of their life. Right? Yeah. I think the more that you have an idea of like what you're looking for, like you're, and we mentioned this with a previous caller is,

you know, if you have an idea of like i'm looking for this x y and z in a relationship like just kind of acknowledge that you're looking for and then when you meet somebody and they don't add up but you're like but it might be a fun time you at least are like okay cool i'm going into this without the expectation that this is going to turn into a relationship and i'm totally cool with the consequences right it's It's like, I tell people, like, sometimes you just have to make a decision because it seems fun and you want to do that. And the consequences or the aftermath might not be, you know, your ultimate goal, but you at least are going into it mentally knowing that you're unemotionally expecting this to possibly become a relationship. And so, but still have a standard of what you're looking for.

Because if you have no idea what you're looking for and like be confident in you, kind of like what Nick said, you're going to feel like everyone you date, you're going to try to figure out how to make it work because you have an idea of what your end goal is, but you're not quite sure how it's being made up does that make sense like have a standard and be okay if you meet someone and it sounds like you still kind of want to have fun a little bit because you're like I got real serious about dating in 2019 and it was boring you know like but 2018 I was having fun and I got to meet all these people so it's not It's not, it doesn't have to be one or the other. Yeah,

totally. I think it's just more for you, I guess, getting to know you a little bit through this call, just don't question yourself so much, you know, like the fact that you are a guy's girl, so to speak,

whatever that means, like, that's cool. There's a lot of guys who are attracted to that. Sure. As far as being buddies or friends, I mean, I would give this advice to anyone don't blur those lines if you want to be friends with the guy be his friends if he's a potential dating candidate then treat it that way don't try to be his friend to be his girlfriend uh don't use like don't think that you're gonna

somehow you know friends on him first and get him to like you. Right. That does that almost never happens. And sometimes people will do that because it's like, well, I don't know if he likes me, but I know he'll hang out with me and I just want to be around him. So let's just be friends, you know, make him chase you. If you if you want to be his girlfriend, then act like a potential dating candidate for him. And don't be like going to lunch and like you know swapping like fantasy football draft pick ideas and things like that um you know yeah be you and like like if you're into sports like you truly are like i like sports like you really like it you don't like it because you know it's kind of like a cool thing that like guys will be like well that's kind of cool i can

talk your intentions yeah but if you truly love sports like don't change that don't change that like i'm gonna tell you right now if you're talking sports with a guy he's not always i'm gonna be like oh i do not find her sexually attracted like that's not gonna happen and at the same time if a guy sees you as a friend he's in most cases and i could be wrong because i'm not a guy but he's probably not gonna be like hey let's go back to your house and like you know what i mean so i think you're you're construing like who you are and what you like and into what you think that their expectation is of you but well the difference there is your intentions like i said like if you know whether you want to have sex with them or date them or just be his friends if you like talking sports do it yeah but if you

find yourself doing it because you're trying to get him to like you that's that's different like you can know sports and you can talk about it but you need to be confident in like what you who you are that sounds so stupid but like who you are and like you show up and like if you love sports talk sports and you'll attract a guy who like loves that aspect of you as a partner yeah i mean so i don't know if you need to change too much but it seems like you know just be a little bit more focused on what you want yeah and clear about your actions when you do it don't judge yourself you know like you know sometimes i feel like oh i did this and i had some fun is that okay sure it's fine you know yeah don't apologize to guys for your actions

um yeah at all i would that's all the women listening stop apologizing for things that you're not sorry for like you know if you hook up with a guy on a one-night stand great yeah good for you don't don't don't ask him what he thinks about you yeah he's not asking you if you think he's a slut and like don't apologize to yourself either it's like it's 2020 so you're like I feel like I need to make this the best thing possible and it's like for some reason you hook up with a guy and you're like oh that is not my dating goal for the year it's like okay yeah you know like it moved forward right so it's like yeah we sometimes I think put a lot of weight on especially beginning of the year like the

resolution and our goals and like we have this big weight of the outcome that we kind of sometimes make ourselves suffer through the journey versus being like everyone you meet or hook up with or don't hook up with are all like it's all information to help you in your next interaction yeah i don't know a vision board you know like i just kind of cheesy but like sometimes maybe just like you know if you aren't trying to figure out what you want because you're just like oh how should i assess dating right and it doesn't really matter about it like what do you want yeah and then do the things that you think will get you what you want you know yeah and learn and then sometimes a big part of that is learning how to say no to things

yeah sending like setting healthy boundaries for yourself and for others like if you're out and about when some guy comes up and he's like hey let's go home and you're like yeah i'm pretty sure i'm not into this it's like then you're totally being like you know what cool no thanks but no thanks and you're and you do, you know what? Cool. No, thanks, but no thanks. And you're, and you do things for yourself because doing things for the guy won't get him to like you. Doing things that you want to do. He usually gets guys to like you.

Heck yeah. I mean, being confident in like who you are and what you want, like is for sure attractive. So, all right. Hopefully that's helpful. Yeah.

Thanks guys. All right. I think you hit it on the nail on the head with like the not feeling guilty if it's not going the right way or if it's going in a different direction than I wanted to. I feel like I do put a lot of guilt on myself. If like, you know, I want to get something serious or I want someone serious, but I can't have fun. I think you're right. Like trying to find both sides of it and finding a way to put it together is

like a challenge. I think I'm trying to overcome because I do it and finding a way to put it together is like a challenge. I think I'm trying to overcome because I do feel guilty if it doesn't, you know, go past the one night we hung out or the one night he comes back to my apartment or whatever. Yeah. And sometimes those people are just that they're there to have fun, you know, and, you know, there's no right or wrong. But I get don't judge yourself. you know there's no right or wrong but I get don't judge yourself you know just stop saying you're sorry to yourself it sounds like you do more than maybe saying

I just get that sense I don't know why that you're like having fun and kind of questioning I should be having fun because now I'm not going to have a relationship it's totally fine you're 28 crap you could be having fun and the one person you end up having fun with is like I met my person right so it's like sometimes being like putting such a serious nose on dating can and the one person you end up having fun with is like i met my person right so it's like sometimes

being like putting such a serious nose on dating can can make you maybe come off to a different way than what who you truly are right so yeah all right all right well take care thanks guys all right you're welcome all right bye bye i think we should send her another cool chick mug. Ooh. She's a total cool chick. Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah. But she's probably, she seems cool.

She's got a good energy. She's a ton of fun. Yeah. You know? And I think sometimes once in a while, I feel like she has this anxiety. It's like the new year of like, am I too cool? Right.

And my guess is she has no problem meeting guys, but she, the guys seem to come and go more often than she wants, is my guess. Well, I get the vibe though that like there's a part of her

that doesn't necessarily mind the thrill of dating. That's what I'm saying. But her expectation. And then she's judging herself of like, oh, well, should I not do this? Her expectation of a relationship makes it like like so she's like the cool person who kind of wants

a fun hookup but eventually end up in a relationship like that's a that's that's a hard thing that you're constantly going to apologize and i was thinking about this as she was on the phone like do guys ever up michelle have you ever had a guy if you've ever hooked up in the first or second date go do you think i'm dirty like you have you ever had a guy, if you've ever hooked up in the first or second date, go, do you think I'm dirty? Have you ever had a guy apologize for like, no, but women do it all the time. This is what they say. We got physical too fast.

Like they sometimes get in their head. That's a different idea, but they're not asking you to like not judge them about being promiscuous. Yeah. It's not you being like. They always put it on you. Yes. They just want to make sure that that you're okay with this speed. Yeah. Women stop asking.

It's 2020. Well, see, something I kept running into is guys would be like, we got physical too fast and now I don't see you in a relationship way. That's because they're afraid that they had sex with you. Yeah. And now they're worried that you're going to fall in love. Yeah. They're worried that you're baking cookies at home.

They're trying to be like, whoa, calm down here. Oh. They're putting it on. Yeah. And now they're worried that you're going to fall in love. Yeah. They're worried that you're like baking cookies. They're trying to be like, whoa, calm down here. They're putting it on. Yeah. That's almost, that's kind of gaslighting in a way. But like we feel that like we have to wait to have sex or else they won't like us in that way. I'm, you know, we've talked about that before. I'm a huge, I do not believe in that stereotype. I really, truly don't. I'm not saying, I do not believe in that stereotype. I really, truly don't.

I'm not saying, and it's a stereotype. So it's not black and white. There's no right or wrong answer. I'm sure some guys are old fashioned and maybe will judge women if they hook up with, they're hypocrites. But I'm a firm believer that there are some people you like having sex with and some people it's just okay. And sometimes

when you, again, I equate it to a movie. There's plenty of movies we watch that are like, I'm fine. It was good. I enjoyed my hour and a half of watching it, but I don't really need to see it again. And there's other movies we come back and we binge over and over the song and it's just like sex. And so, you know, and so, you know, if you want to wait, wait, if you want to hook up, hook up, don't, especially for the women, do not apologize.

If a guy hooks up with a girl on the night one or first date and she's just like very confident about it, I guarantee you he's not going to think you're,

he's not, he's just going to be attracted that you kind of left, you know, or just like owned it or just were very confident about it and made him wonder if you were going to call him back yeah you know flip the script well and she kept saying like i

feel guilty like i'm doing these things i feel guilty so i think there's there's more to like she hasn't established necessarily what like what she really would want when dating like what do you want but like you you said it, like you said, she's a guy's girl, girl, girl, whatever. And that's great. But she's, as a woman, I guess she's then judging herself, but like, wow, am I okay to do this?

Because guys are doing the same thing she's doing, not questioning it at all. Not for a second. They're literally saying, I'm trying to fuck as much as possible. I'm not ready to settle down she's living this wonderful life and constantly like well she's this okay if i'm doing this well that's what she said she would she talked about like she went back to 2018 she's like 2018 i was

traveling and then 2019 i got real serious and it was really boring and i was like okay well if that's truly how you think feel right forget the expectation that you need to settle down with somebody because you're gonna end up finding someone that you really you know if you are doing something because of a social expectation or a social norm like it's not gonna end well like enjoy having fun and know that having fun doesn't mean that you it will stop you from finding someone right i think that there's this like you have to be either serious about dating or casual yeah and it's like i know a lot of people that casually date and found their person casually dating because there wasn't the

pressure of looking for a relationship would you two agree that's more of an issue for women than men because men judge themselves a lot less when they're just like oh they men give themselves way more permission just to fuck around and have fun. And women feel like they have to choose between being serious or being considered funny. Yeah, for sure. I think that there's probably that expectation.

Yeah, like a label you put on yourself. Yeah, and again, listen, women still are unfairly judged, but sometimes judging yourself only makes it worse. And I think if you don't, it'll help yourself out. All right. Well, those were great questions. And do we have a theme?

I don't know. They were pretty across the board. I like the age variations. We had a lot of good segments. It seemed, though, the continuing theme is like everyone's kind of, everyone, and maybe this is just people in general, but looking for the person outside of them to, like, give them their answer. Like, we had the chick who was, like, kind of waiting for her boyfriend to change or do something or give her some signal to be okay to, like, move forward and, like, break up with him. And then you have two other women who are, like, what's wrong with me?

Like, how do I look? What am I doing wrong that these guys are saying it? It's like, man, you guys, sometimes you just have to like be confident in you, right? And then stop looking for answers outside of yourself. That's so hard. So hard. Rochelle's like, yeah.

I'm saying, I mean, that's like, I'm saying that and being like, and I still do that. Yeah, we all saying that and being like, and I still do that all the time. We all do that. Yeah. Looking for affirmation or validation outside of yourself. Or permission. Or permission or acceptance, apologizing.

You know, I think sometimes. The apologizing for sure. Yeah. Apologizing to others and feeling bad about you did. That you're A, not sorry for, or no one's asking you to apologize. Yeah. Yeah. I think just having some sense of self-awareness and self-discernment and not expecting somebody

else to make you feel okay. Yeah. Well, thanks guys for listening. It's been another great episode. Don't forget to send your questions at asknick at castme.com, cast with a K. If you are looking for some health and wellness tips and advice and maybe a little bit more one-on-one work with a holistic nutritionist, check out mariavile.com. She's been helping a bunch of people all over the country and always check out natural habits and instagram for some of uh our health and wellness tips that maria gives that aren't just essential oil based but little tips and

tricks for just general healthy habits and healthy living uh again thanks for listening as always guys we will see you on tuesday for a bachelor recap yeah And then Wednesday for a wonderful interview with my dear friend, Tonya Rad. Until next time. Bye-bye.