The Viall Files - E783 Ask Nick - His Secret USB

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode discussing the worst pick up lines sent on dating apps. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller���s baby daddy is in jail, and she's struggling to find love. Our second caller’s boyfriend wants to control what she wears. And, our third caller is text flirting with her chiropractor, but he won't ask her out. "Convince me I should reach out" Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Huggies - learn more at https://www.huggies.com  Helix Sleep -  Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows forour listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Sunday’s For Dogs - Get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to https://www.sundaysfordogs.com/VIALL or use code VIALL at checkout. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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to show up as your original self. Altoids has you covered. They're not just mints. They're curiously strong mints. Find Altoids in the checkout aisles. Grab your tin today. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another electric episode of the Vyphiles Ask Nick edition. I am your host, Nick.

We got, whoa. Whoa. Scooter. Yeah. Mama Scooter. This is it. This is it. Yeah.

This will be my last appearance for a little while. For a little while. And then I'll be back. Will you? I will be back. Okay, she says she'll be back. She'll be back with the baby scooter. Yeah, she got a baby scooter.

Yeah, baby scooter. Baby scooter. An extra employee. That's confused with Scooter Braun. Oh, no, never. No. Literally never. Not at all, just a Vespa.

Yeah, Leia is going on maternity leave as of actually last Friday, recording this. Or today. I'm not here today. You're not here today? No. No, you're already gone. I'm already gone.

Are you being induced today? I'm being induced tomorrow. Tomorrow. And when we say today and tomorrow, we mean like when you're listening to this. Yes, when you're listening to this, I will be scrambling all day today to get everything in order.

And then tomorrow I will be getting induced. And this is all if I don't go into labor before then. Okay. You said you packed your bag already, right? So you're prepared there. Yeah. I was playing classical music for Leia's baby earlier. Yeah. I was like I have a present she's like, and then I just held the computer up. Well I'm gonna miss you, that's for sure. I'm gonna miss you guys a lot, but I will be around. I think I think we're gonna miss you more than you miss us. No, no. No.

No, and I'll be back. I will be back. Yeah, we really hope this kid is not needy. Me too. Because we need you. Anyway, we have an amazing episode lined up for you and a great week. I don't know if you are still catching up on Love Island,

but if you are, don't forget we have an explosive Going Deeper interview with Kayla from last week. She gets into all your burning questions regarding her relationship with Erin, where they stand, what their future looks like, if there is a future. Obviously she addresses the hot mic situation where she was allegedly talking shit about Leah.

We have Janae and Kenny on this week, another special episode of Going Deeper. And plus our reality recaps both Tuesday and Thursday. This Thursday was my favorite one, last Thursday. Hawk to a girl? Hawk to a girl. What a sweetheart. That was so fun. Yeah, America's sensation, America's sweetheart, according to Rolling Stone Magazine,

and our favorite influencer, Hock To A Girl, talks about her ex, it's hilarious, it's fun. She's very sweet. You took a bit of a beating, but you recovered. Yeah, Hock To A Girl really laid into me. Yeah, you know, I'm still recovering. So yeah. Yeah, anyway, so go back and check those out

if you haven't already. Plus, again, jam-packed episode for you this week. We're working hard to keep you guys entertained and inspired and also when it comes to these Ask Nick episodes, still my favorite. I don't know if you guys care to know that. Yeah, I feel like this is where we have the most impact. You know what, maybe I'll take it away from what we do

on Reality Recap or going deeper. I think people rely on us for their entertainment and their escape from reality. I feel like a reality recap is like a distraction, but like Ask Nick is the education. Yeah. Yeah. We wouldn't be here without you guys.

So obviously sharing these episodes, telling your friends, especially ones that you know are going through it, from a relationship standpoint, you guys spreading the word is what makes us the most successful and allows us to keep the lights on. And yeah. Anyway, what are we getting into before we get to our callers? Well, speaking of Ix,

there was a article that came out the other day where they did a survey of single people who all revealed the 30 worst messages to send a potential match. So it's a pickup line gone wrong. So- Via like a dating app? Yeah, that's what the survey is based in.

Okay. But you could apply them to real life too. So I figured we could go through them and maybe come up with some better alternatives. Okay. 30, 30 are they ranked or are they just in no specific order? There's a percentage. So we have the top six and then we can go through like the miscellaneous ones. Yeah.

45% of people, and this is out of 2000 British singletons. So 45% deemed send pics as the rudest bit of banter followed by the eggplant emoji with 45%. Duh. Right. Don't do that. Are those considered pickup lines?

Gone wrong, yeah. So a lot of people are- Worst messages to send a potential match. A lot of people are sending this on dating apps thinking it's like Gone wrong, yeah. So a lot of people are- Worst messages to send to potential match. A lot of people are sending this on dating apps thinking it's like a, yes, married. I'm shocked. People think these are good things to send. They do.

They're sending it. Enough people have sent it that 45% of people have deemed that it's not a good thing to send. Do we assume send pics means send nudes immediately? Yeah. For sure. If you're sending an eggplant emoji as well. Oh, the send pics is accompanied.

No, no, so it is separate, but I'm saying like, if the top ones are send pics and eggplant emoji, then I'm assuming those are like the sexual ones. Okay, what else we got? What would you do to reply to that? I would just send a picture of like... A topping board. Yeah, we should come up with also like a good,

just like come back line to this. Every lady, next time they go, every single lady on the apps, next time you go to the grocery store in the produce aisle, take a picture of an eggplant. And send that back. And send that back. Or what about like a mini cucumber? Sure. Well, so here's the third one. Hey sexy, what's your number?

Oh my God. A little outdated, no? It's a little forward. Very forward. Yeah. Okay. Next one outdated now. It's a little forward. Very forward. Yeah. Okay. Next one. No is a reply, no.

No, period. Next one is, do you like bad boys slash bad girls? God. You know, one could argue these are actually very helpful pick up lines. They're very revealing. Yes, for sure. Yeah, it's an immediate no.

But someone sent that thinking like, yes, this is it. All right continue So replying without me when they say they're going to shower These are all people who haven't met in person yet. Yes. Okay, you're so hot H a w t and you're sexy came in fifth and sixth place Keep going. Yeah, rapid-fire. Okay. Here we go DTF Question mark. I love how that's actually like not number one. That's what I thought too.

I think most people aren't like literate enough to like use an acronym is what it is. Okay. Imagine what our children will look like. That one's a little weird, no? Imagine what our children would look like. It's just forward. Like how early in the conversation is that coming?

I'm assuming these are all like- These are opening lines. Opening lines. These are before you get off the app. Yeah. Tell me why I should go on a date with you. I mean that's interesting. If a guy's sending it, yuck.

If a woman's sending that, I have less of a problem with it. That's kind of flirty. It's like, so like convince me. It's just coming from a man, it just doesn't land as well. But coming from a woman, it's fine? Yeah.

Okay. So what about this one? I could get. But coming from a woman, it's fine? Yeah. Okay. So what about this one? I could get lost in your eyes. Well, that's just cheesy. Yeah, that is cheesy. This is like something people say to some people with nice eyes. It's not original, that's for sure.

Not original, no. If somebody sent that to me, I'd be like, you're lying. Look away, close. My eyes are brown. Well, next one that's also cheesy, thanks for not unmatching me. I have a Blink. Well, next one that's also cheesy. Thanks for not unmatching me. I have a little confidence. Yeah, that one's giving insecurity,

which is also like a turnoff. Yeah. Unfortunately. Sorry. Shit. I forgot to. Should be your reply. No, thanks for unmatching with me. Oh, shoot, I matched.

Actually just haven't gotten around to it yet. Thanks for the reminder. Mm-hmm. Here's another one. I have serious codependency issues. Like what? No, I'm not a therapist. Be silent.

Well, what do you think about being upfront? Well, I mean, serious codependency issues. I'm not- Can I add you- You have serious communication issues. Yeah, there you go. Are they worse than your communication issues? That's a good reply.

Can I add you on Insta slash Snapchat? That's the same thing as SendPicks. Yeah. I agree. That's just like SendPicks elsewhere. Fire emoji, just sending a fire emoji. Here's the thing about SendPicks, so let's just rewind for a minute.

Okay. To social media. Well, Snapchat, Snapchat nudes. Instagram, I have no problem. I think the delivery is off. I think the intent is fine. I think from an intention standpoint, I have no problem with people being like, do you actually look like the pictures

that you're giving me in the five that are on your dating app? So you're saying as a verification of who you are? Yeah. If I want to confirm that I'm physically attracted to you, and you can call that shallow, or you can call that whatever you want, but at the end of the day, we don't want to waste time with strangers if we don't even think we're physically attracted to them. We don't want to waste time with people who are misrepresenting what they look like on

a dating app. And so to find out what their Instagram is, I want more information but I don't have a problem with people wanting to get more verification about a little bit. And again, Instagram is more than just maybe what you look like, background friends, like how do you present yourself online? This is also like useful information. But like also just the way you shouldn't be asking right away and if it's offered if it's available to you. But like it's just you know, it's gonna come across as again if it's coming from men, it sounds like they're asking for nudes. If it's coming from, like...

I was gonna say, yeah, Senpex is definitely sexual. But it's also like, you can do your research. Like my sister, for one, is so good at like becoming an FBI with these things. LinkedIn. And just, yeah, LinkedIn. So fast. Go to LinkedIn, go to it, like,

finding these people and just like, just figure it out on your own. Also, there's a way to ask for a picture without asking for a picture. Correct. Like it could be like, oh, what did you buy? Or like, where did you go? Or how was the view of whatever hike you went on?

Right, like if they're on a hike, it's like, oh, I'll message you later, I'm on a hike. It's like, oh, send pics. That being said, a lot, or some of the more popular dating apps don't let you send pictures on it. So that's where you get like the Instagram cross comparison. They don't. Interesting.

So what else I got? They also just in general, like just some more statistics from this article, a staggering 89% of respondents said that a dull opening message pushes them to nip the convo in the bud while just three dull texts made them lose interest entirely. Three quarters, so 76% of respondents admitted that they have lost interest in someone who messaged too much. So yeah, it's an interesting balance

of just not messaging too much and then also the right way to message somebody on a dating app. You ask a question. What's your? It's just any question. That's non-sexual. How are you? A little bit more specificity. How was your day? That's less, how's just any question. That's non-sexual. How are you?

A little bit more specificity. How was your day? That's less, how was that any more specific? How was the coffee you drank during your day? Great. If I were sliding in their, if you had access to their Instagram, that gives you more options. But ask a question about one of the pictures they have. That's again, not sexual.

Oh, for sure. That's a good one. You know, do you still have that sweater? I. You know, do you still have that sweater? I don't know. Do you still have that sweater? Let me see you in the sweater. Yeah, maybe they've posted a picture of their animal. You know, it's like, oh, that's a really cute dog.

What's their name? You know, maybe they show a picture of them like on a trip. Oh, where is this? Where were you on this trip? That looks fun or something. You know, show an interest in something that they are showing you. You know, show an interest in something that they are showing you. You know, like, unless it's just a bunch of selfies, then why, you know, that's weird too.

Yeah. But yeah, ask a question. Ask a question. Take a little bit of time on their... They have a... Do they have a bio? Maybe it's a Fob question and it's something in their bio. It doesn't have to be that clever, you know, and even it could be some random question, a pop quiz. You know, be goofy, don't have to be that serious, but like something that might be intriguing. Yeah. I will say there is one opener on this list that I don't agree with where it's,

people are turned off when you say morning beautiful. I think that's cute or that's sweet. I think it just comes across as a line and cheesy and why are you like doing that right away? And I think on a dating app, I think there are so many guys specifically that are like being cheesy in their opening lines before there's any rapport.

I don't call it love bombing, but that like, even if it's from the right guy, it just didn't call it love bombing, but that like, even if it's from the right guy, it just didn't come across as like, ugh. Like inauthentic. Yeah, it's just, they're gonna roll your eyes. We got to, you're so hot, H-A-W-T, you're so sexy, Farrar.

I don't even know what that is. If your first comment, my point is, is anything to do with their looks or their eyes or even calling them beautiful, it's gonna come across as a pickup line, you leaning into physicality or looks. It doesn't scream, I wanna get to know you. And what is a big frustration people have

on the dating apps? I feel like I'm meeting a lot of people who aren't serious about getting in a relationship, they don't actually want to get to know me, yada yada. So like if you want to stand out, knowing that like a lot of these people are sending like these kind of, you know, statements or cheesy lines, just ask a question that shows an interest in getting to know them. So we've got more. We've got what you're wearing. We've got does your mate on your profile pic have IG?

This actually happened to a friend of mine. Somebody messaged her on the dating app and was like, so that third picture with you and your friend, like, how do I meet them? Can you connect them? That's so sad. Imagine, okay, we did that one. Hey, H-E-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y.

Justin, I feel like you would say that. I do that. I probably did that. We've all done this. Like, keep in mind, like, I think with dating apps, you get lazy, you get tired. You're like, oh, you know, I'm probably like saying, oh, ask an original question. And people are just like, oh, my God, I just think of another question. Again, don't overthink it.

Just like go to their five pictures, go to their bio. What if their bio is empty? Because a lot of people think it's doing too much if your bio is like an essay or a paragraph. Like it has to be like four emojis and one sentence. I agree. So respond to the emoji. Yeah. I mean, maybe you tease them about their nothing in their bio. Yeah, true. There you go. Most of the guys too, like probably don't even know they didn't have anything in the bio or you'd be like, wow, I was really captivated by, I learned some, I don't know. Like, I don't know. Don't overthink it. Just ask a question. A question is something that people feel

like they have to answer. People don't inherently like to be rude. If you ask a question, immediately, some people will feel like they should respond. If, hey, what are you applying to? Hey. What am I supposed to do with that? Hi.

You know. Bye. Fire emoji? It's like, I know. know, bye. Fire emoji. It's like, I know. I was going to say, if you didn't know the context or the bio of the person and someone asks you, what's the first message I should send? What's like a general message you would say to send?

If they what, didn't. If you didn't know like what the bio said or what the context was. Look at their, well, how many pictures and then just ask a question about something that's in the picture. Okay, there you go. And make it not about their looks.

Well, here are a few questions not to ask. Why are you single? You up? Yours or mine? What's up? W-Y-D, what you doing? Yeah, none of those vague things. Specificity, you can have like a joke.

It doesn't have to be all that clever. Yeah, some of these are just, morning beautiful though, I don't, I'm not so upset by. I can see why it's doing too much, but I'm like, you know what? I am beautiful and good morning. Maybe like a little later into chatting.

But sure. Like not right off the bat. Cause beautiful is not like overly sexual or like looky. It's more like you are beautiful and good morning. Yeah. I could see why it's doing too much though. Oh, I think we're all kind of answering this from a point of view of like women receiving these from men.

Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And I just don't think morning beautiful being the first. What about morning gorgeous or hey gorgeous? That's a common one I've heard of. No. Okay.

Well, that's it. That's the whole article. Okay. But yeah, first impressions are important and less is more. I've heard of. No. Okay. Well, that's it. That's the whole article. Okay. But yeah, first impressions are important and less is more. We've all used these things. I mean, kidding. Have you used some of these?

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure I've said, hey, before. What's up? Yeah, well, you can say, hey, just not with those that many whys. Not even tonight. Like you're a... I will say, I just thought about this.

My freshman year of college, someone that I talked to for a brief moment, like he opened with what's crack alack in. And I thought I was like, oh my God, not like what's up. It's what's crack alack. And so in my head, I was like, this is very like unique, whatever. And I found out every person he messaged was what's crack alack. Oh, I hate that. I was like, okay, laziness. I remember we're replying to someone saying, I just screamed with excitement. Oh, that's cute. Because they matched. You said, I just screamed with excitement. And what did she say?

She went back. We went on a date like two years later. Two years later? Yeah. Were you still screaming with excitement? No. That's not a great one, Nick. I'm not going to lie.

What? I just screamed with excitement? Yeah. That's the same thing as, hey, I'm not gonna lie. What, I just screamed with excitement? Yeah. I don't love that. That's the same thing as, hey, beautiful, good morning, beautiful. How is that? Where it's like acknowledging that you were excited or that you like love the person or like the person.

I felt like coming from me, I just screamed with excitement was something that caught them off guard because they would have expected a more like, hey, beautiful or hey, sexy and not like, ah, you know? Like. That is true. That is true. Just stand out, you know, be a little unique.

I imagine you just like laying in bed, just like not enthused at all and just typing, I just screamed with excitement. Oh my God. I remember being excited. I remember. Were you screaming? No, I didn't scream.

Yeah, show a little vulnerability, ask a question that shows an interest in them. Don't be sexual, don't be lazy. Don't say what all the other, don't make it seem like you say this to everyone. You know, like try. Well, it's also like if you're applying for a job, for example, and you're just sending the same cover letter

to every single job, you're not gonna get a return like you would if you were making each one personalized and like yeah it takes more effort but like you'll stand out that way and you'll actually get a job rather than just like shooting off emails that are just like blanket statements like you're not gonna get the same return. Yeah. All right. Ask questions, mix it up, you know, have some fun. Hey, morning, beautiful. Does it offer anything that you should say?

No, we've also got, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Oh God. Oh wait, hold on, there was one that I really liked. I think my Spotify is broken. You're not listed in the hottest singles. Absolutely not. That one's just like cringy. But like these are all lines.

They're either lazy sexual questions or they're cheesy lines. Yeah. Well, that's the part where the article was like, there's an in-between, that's hard to. What if it's like, I mean, even this is not that great, but it could be like pop quiz. You're stranded on an island, you get two movie choices.

What's your go-to? It's a harmless question, might start a conversation. If they don't wanna answer that question, they're just not that into you. Like they have second thoughts about matching you. Cause it's just like, you know, even if you don't watch, you know, it's like, well, what if they don't watch movies? All right, whatever.

Like again, it's like, it's such a basic, it's a kind of a first date question, what would you ask someone on a first date? Big plans, I don't have big plans this week. It's just more like, again, yeah, I think more of just like, you could play this or that, literally. I think it's also important to think about how you'd reply to the question. It's like, if you don't have a response to this, you shouldn't be asking it. Yeah, don't ask about politics, it's also important to think about like how you'd reply to the question. It's like, if you don't have a response to this, like you shouldn't be asking it.

Yeah. Don't ask my politics. We got a great episode for you. Don't forget to send in those questions before we get to our callers to ask nick at the file files.com. Again, we got a great week lined up for you. Hope you enjoy these calls. We'll see you tomorrow on reality recap.

Then we got Janae and Kenny on going deeper and more. What's your time with Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? It's going good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Casey. I'm 35. I'm from Texas. My baby daddy is in jail and I don't know what to do.

Okay. How long has your baby daddy been in jail? April 20th. He got arrested. Okay. How long has your baby daddy been in jail? April 20th. He got arrested. Okay. How old's your baby? She just turned a year old July 1st. Oh, congratulations. That's my brother's birthday. What'd he do? He got in a car accident, injured two SA kids because they were 17 and 18. And then he took off running and left them there. Are they okay?

They are now. They were actually, one of them was pretty much in an induced coma for about a month or two and the other one actually kind of walked away after a couple of days. So, but one of them was really, got really messed up. Was he drinking? Yes. Okay. Yeah. He had just left a bar.

I don't know the whole story. I've gotten bits and pieces. He hasn't went to trial yet. So I don't, I. I don't know the whole story. I've gotten bits and pieces. He hasn't went to trial yet. So I don't, I haven't got to hear the whole story, but from what I understand, he was leaving the bar. It was like three o'clock in the morning. It was storming and he was driving 90 miles an hour and T bones this other car. And they both flipped the kids.

They had to get, um, care flatted and everything. The kid who had induced coma, could they have any type of long-term brain damage? It's going to be a long road to recovery. Um, I'm not friends with any of the people that got in the car accident or anything like that. Um, I'm really not aware of who they really are. So it's just kind of what they allow me to see on their Facebook page kind of thing.

And it's mainly through the GoFundMe that they've set up. Do you know if they're able to make a full recovery? Yes, yes, they are. They both, they both should be, should be good, so. Well, that's good. What was your relationship with your baby daddy prior to him going in prison? So this is the embarrassing part coming.

I literally did not know the man. I say it was kind of a one night stand. It was like three nights in a row. We kind of hooked up, we hung out. And five weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and tried to tell him about it. And he did not want to believe me.

He tried to tell me it wasn't his, you know, the whole spill on that. And so I was like, okay, I'm not going to sit here and fight and argue with him for months. So every time I had doctor's appointments or any sort of updates with my pregnancy, I would reach out to him, let him know, invite him if he wanted to come. He pretty much just ignored every message, ignored me, never would answer until he went to jail. Now he wanted to be involved when it's like, okay, now you can't be involved, you know? So don't have much relationship

with him. So it's, it's, yeah. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. I don't feel like you, why do you feel stupid? Well, because being 35 and having a child with a one night stand and now he's in jail, it's kind of like, I definitely should have known better. Are you enjoying being a mother? It is the absolute best thing ever in my life. She has saved my life.

I'm gonna get emotional. That's awesome. Be emotional. She has saved my life and I couldn't imagine my world without her. I think that's all that really matters, right? So knowing that's the case, let's stop with the self-limiting beliefs and the self-shame. What are you embarrassed of?

You were a 33, 34-year-old woman who got a little horned up, had some fun, had some casual sex. You're allowed to do that, you know? Like, you got pregnant, like you certainly didn't plan it. Many people before you, that's happened before, you know? That could literally happen to anyone. It's happened to a lot of people and, you know, things didn't work out for a variety of reasons, you know? Like, there's no point in judging yourself.

I think you really need to focus on just like, what your daughter has brought to your life. And like, I think it's safe to say, as crazy as this all sounds, if given the choice between having it not happen and having it happen, you would choose, if this was the only way you could ever be a mom, you would choose this every day, every moment. You would never second guess it. Right? So that's, that's all that matters is you have a daughter that you love and you love being a mom

and she saved your life and how it came to be is inconsequential and stupid and meaningless and like you gotta stop judging yourself for it. Yeah, and I think that's where it's like the hard part going into dating now that she's a year old, I'm really coming into being a mom and getting really comfortable doing it and doing it pretty much alone. I do have a good support team and a good village

around me, but for the most part, I do this alone every day. It's hard to put that aside in the dating world. When we start to talk about, oh, you're a mom, where's the dad? And how did it happen? And it's like, I feel like I get judged. And so then I in turn judge myself even more. That's understandable. And that's normal. Maybe we don't need a date right now. I've thought of that too. Listen, I'm not telling you not to date. And if you want to go out there, like, as we all know, for a million different reasons, for all different types of people, dating is hard. And so we know that, right? And right now you are a single mother who's got a daughter who needs you.

You have your circle that's helping you. And it's just like, if dating is bringing you more stress than it is joy right now, like maybe it's just not the time. You're like, never close the doors and windows to the rooms that you hope to fill. I don't know if I made that up, it's in my book, but I came up with it. Like sometimes, I don't honestly if I made that up, it's in my book, but I came up with it. Like sometimes, I don't honestly think I come up

with an original thought, but I always kind of like say things differently, but you get what I mean by that? Yeah, yes. But there's a difference between that and going out of your way and forcing a situation, right? So like, you can leave the door open. It doesn't mean you're leaving the door and the windows open to the rooms that you hope to fill.

It's different than putting a bunch of like, wanted signs or help signs or hiring now signs or like, you know, and asking people to line up outside your doors and windows and start like doing, you know, massive interviews and things like that. It's just more like, you're not gonna really let anyone know you're open for business, so to speak. But if the right person were to peek their head

in the door and while you're busy doing a bunch of other things say, hey, let me convince you as to why I'm the customer you should take the time for, it might reveal itself. It's just you're going through a lot right now. If you got the stamina, if you wanna go out there, go out there, right? But your baby's one years old, your baby daddy's in prison,

you're struggling trying to figure out, what should I, we'll get to him in a second, but you're struggling to figure out, do I let this, do I not let this guy in my life? Do I not? what should I do? Is it sincere? Yada, yada. So you have all these questions, a lot of things that are preoccupying your time.

You know, you might not be your best self right now for your future partner. You know what I'm saying? Yes. And so like, again, if something, if an opportunity an opportunity comes, how are you dating? Are you on the apps a lot? How aggressive are you out there trying to date? That's one of my things is I'm pretty much just on an app. Okay.

Pretty much on an app. Okay. And I haven't met up with anybody. I rarely really even reply just because of the time like with her and it's really hard and I don't get to go out much because I don't have a sitter to say, I mean, I have friends and family,

but they already like babysit her during the day. So it's like, I would hate to ask them to watch her in the evenings. And then I just feel, I have the mom guilt and it's just, I go the mom guilt and it's just I Go back and forth and it's like like you said it should I even be trying to date right now? And then part of me is like well, I would I wouldn't mind Some companionship, you know and in some adult time and yeah some fun adult time, you know And so it's it's definitely well, you are entitled to both those things.

Yeah. But like, as you know, you can have adult time and fun times without boyfriends being in the picture. Yes. You know, and I think you have to remember that. I think sometimes, listen, no doubt, 35 year old single mom, no doubt that you were probably anxious to find love in a secure relationship and someone you can count on

and have that companionship. We all desire that, most of us at least, right? Hasn't happened for you yet. Maybe I'm sure you've had some relationships in the past or maybe you thought you were close or whatever, but you are only 35. And then just trying to offer some perspective, I have no idea whether you want more kids at 35, obviously,

and I wanna recognize that as a man, I have no idea what it's like to deal with a biological clock and things like that. But again, you weren't planning on having a kid and here you are, this blessing that you have as a child. And maybe that's like, I'm not a big fate guy, but maybe that is the world telling you, no matter what happens, you have as a child. And maybe that's like, you know, I'm not a big fate guy, but like maybe that is the world telling you, no matter what happens, you have your daughter.

Yes. Biological clock aside, maybe this is the only, I don't know, you know, I don't know what's gonna happen for you in the future, but like now you can rest easy and know that no matter what happens, no matter how long I have to wait for my person, I will always have her. And I hope to find my person sooner than later. I hope to have more kids if that's the case. But I do have her and I'm always you know, you will always have

that you will always have that blessing. I think another thing for me, and I know you know, the whole cliche is when you stop looking is when they come, you know, and it's like, okay, it's not that I'm necessarily trying to look, but I think it's just watching her grow up and watching her just every day, the new things that are happening. And it's, it sucks that I don't, she doesn't have both there to celebrate her

in all her milestones. And it's where it's like, I want both for her, you know, like I think a little bit more than for myself, but I do want it for myself as well. But it's like, I want her to see her mom happy. Sure. Aside from happy with her, of course, you know, like, I'm happy with her.

Okay, so you're saying a lot of things right now, all of which are valid. One, you want this for your daughter. You want her to be able to share things. Unfortunately, we can't always get everything we want at the same time. But back to the thing where you're kind of contradicting yourself, where you're having thoughts that just aren't doing you any good. You need to accept the fact that this is how you were given this beautiful gift that is your daughter. And that is you had a one night stand with someone who may not be the best person or certainly someone who is at least troubled and hasn't figured herself out yet and is going through the shit.

For better and for worse, that is her father. But as we pointed out moments earlier that you wouldn't change that for a second because she wouldn't be by your side, you know what I'm saying? So you just have to accept the fact that this is her father, and despite not being the most picturesque situation, to start wishing it was different would be to wish something that you would never wish away. Does that make sense? Yes. So it's just every time you kind of catch yourself

feeling bad about your current situation, you gotta look at your daughter and then like, well, a different situation would be to not have you in my life. So you got to stop doing that. You just have to deal with the situation that you have. You know, it sucks that he is now facing these criminal charges and he did that. And that's something that, you know, as your daughter gets older,'re gonna have to have maybe some tough conversations and I don't know when you're gonna have those conversations. A professional I'd seek their advice you

know in terms of child development and a therapist and when's the best time to have these types of conversations about who her father is assuming he's not involved. Who knows? Maybe this will be a wake-up call for him. I don't know how many years of prison is he even facing? Life. He's facing a life sentence because this is his fourth felony. Okay. Which I didn't know any, I know it gets just worse and worse. I didn't know any of this until after the accident and I did a thorough, paid for a thorough background check on him and realized, oh wow, this is not the greatest guy.

Yeah, not a good dude. But listen, it is not the greatest guy. Not a good dude. Yeah, not a good dude. But listen, it is what it is. You wouldn't change it. Gotta keep reminding yourself of that. You know, I don't know if it's God or fate or whatever. I don't know who's the person who's pulling all the strings or if it's just pure chaos. But these are the strings that have been pulled for you.

And despite it being messy and not what you pictured for yourself, as you pointed out, this little beautiful baby changed your life. And I think that's the message. More than anything I want you to leave this with is that like, anytime you have like a negative thought about your situation,

and your situation, make no mistake, sucks. But the silver lining is, is that like you wouldn't trade that shitty situation for anything. Because to do that, you wouldn't have her. So let's focus on what you do have and let's focus less on what you don't have. Oh, yes. All right.

And that's just like an exercise that I want to convey to you because you're going to get off the phone with me. And again, like I can say this all I want to convey to you because you're going to get off the phone with me. And again, I can say this all I want to you, but as a human being, there's a lot of things that I know I shouldn't focus my energy on, that every day I have to check myself and remind myself, and then you're doing it again. You got to stop. Let's channel your thoughts and energy into more productive space. So every time, and it's gonna happen multiple times a day,

I'm saying this to you right now, you're getting off the phone with me, a couple hours later, there'll probably be some thought that makes you justifiably so feel bad for your situation. When that moment happens, right? Instead of going down that path and that thought process of, man, that fucking sucks and blah, blah, blah,

and what should I do? You go ahead and look at your daughter and be like, you know what, I got her. And then when you think about what should you do for yourself in the future, all right, wishing your daughter had a father who wasn't in prison right now, who wanted to be involved,

who was sharing in those moments, I totally get, you wish that would be possible, but you just have to accept that that's not your situation. And despite it being shitty, things could be shittier. There's a million justifiable reasons for you to feel sorry for yourself. There's many more reasons for you to be happy with your situation and grateful. You could look at your in the mirror and say'm 35 years old and I'm single. That sucks.

Or you could say, I'm only 35. I don't know when I'm going to leave this earth, but I plan on it being many, many, many years from now. And yeah, I'm worried about my biological clock, but I got my looks. I got this beautiful face and this beautiful baby. And again, like I got a great support system. A lot of people in your shoes don't have that

Great support system. Thank God you have that and even if your great love comes Let's say seven years from now and I know that's not what you want for yourself And I know it's not ideal you will have your daughter and again, maybe I don't know I don't know what that what that would mean for your ability to grow your family or not But like science is and medicine is always advancing, who knows? But like worrying about what you can't control isn't productive.

As understandable as it is, and as human as it is, to worry about things that you justifiably have the right to worry about, it's nevertheless not productive. That it's not good for your mental health, and it's not helping you be a better mother to your child, that it's not helping you stay present health, and it's not helping you be a better mother to your child, that it's not helping you stay present. Yeah.

And going out on the dating apps for the purposes of finding a guy to play the role of dad. And I know that I live in a very small town. So I think for me, it just makes it a little harder because it's like, I want to try to find somebody outside of this little small town. Makes sense. So like I thought maybe going to dating apps, but then it's like when I started doing it, it's like the last guy I was kind of talking to for like a day or two, the reason why I

cut it off, the first thing he goes, he was like, Oh, so you have a child? And I was like, yes, you know, she's only a year old. And I was like, well, I have full, I didn't go into the spill about the father being in jail, but I did, I was like, you know, I have complete full custody. I have her every single day and he was like, Oh, well, she's still young enough. I can sneak in at night. And I'm like, Oh God, no, like this is exactly what I don't want to happen. It's like, well, exactly. I mean, listen, the dating apps is one of those things where, again, they can be very useful and a great way to meet people, but it also gives a bunch of fucking potential, like not great people for you and for your daughter access to you.

And the only way to figure out who's good or who's not for you is to kind of filter fruit through them. And that's going to take a lot of your energy. And that's where it's like, I've kind of, I was like, I haven't really been back on. I haven't really replied to anybody because I, it is, it does take a lot from her. And it's like, I don't, I want to make sure I'm completely here for her before anybody.

What do you do for work? I am a role carrier. So I deliver mail. Thank you for your service. Back roads all day, pretty much. You say you work for the post office? Yes. Hell yeah.

You know that was Natalie's dream job as a kid? Uh-uh, really. To be a mailman. Yeah. It's not as fun as you think it is, but it's all right. I don't doubt, but it's steady work, you know? Yes, yeah. Can you transfer?

You can, it's extremely hard. Okay. Extremely hard to transfer, but you can if the easiest way to do it is to find a mutual swap. Are you happy with it? Like if you want to do this forever? Where I'm located, it's kind of the only thing financially that I can't that. Have you ever had a desire to go back to school?

Not exactly. Okay, that's fine. I tried it. I tried it when I got out of high school. I went and it just, school's just not my thing. I'm more of a hands-on, I'd rather work than just study. Whatever you want to do is totally fine. I just like, I want you to, right now, I think this is a critical moment for you and your

daughter. And your energy obviously is not infinite, as I always say. And I'd love for you to just focus on you and your daughter right now. If a man comes in your life somehow, some way, that makes you go, maybe this is worth considering, consider it, but take it slow. And allow a person who really wants to be in your life,

they need to prove that to you, because you have a lot going on right now, and you don't have a ton of energy to give right now so I would just be very mindful of of how much energy that takes and I know you're anxious to find someone and I told it we all are and I totally get it you know if you were to meet a guy who's pretty good right now and you date him for a couple years and then you break up because people break up all the time and even if that relationship was generally like pretty good you know you know it's like, ah, it was a pretty good relationship.

We had some good times, but ultimately it ended because, I don't know, who knows? And then you were sad about it because breakups also are hard. She wouldn't even remember this guy. You know what I'm saying? Let's say you dated him for two years. The relationship for you was generally pretty good,

but what you really loved him for was how great he was with your daughter. And two years from now for you was generally pretty good, but what you really loved him for was how great he was with your daughter. And two years from now, you're like, I don't know. I just, I don't really feel it. And you made a very difficult decision two years from now to like leave the relationship, despite him being a pretty good, like pretty good around your daughter.

She wouldn't remember it at all yeah all those moments of him being you know good and playing with her like she's not gonna remember you know so like something to consider focusing on her now and then maybe later on when she might remember would be the time to kind of yeah i mean her remembering i don't think i think that's just something to remind yourself of but I just want you to date when you're really ready and you have the mental energy to focus on it and still be the mother that you know you can be.

You know, and it's just like, this is a terrible tragedy, obviously, for the families that were affected, you know, but as far as you, maybe this is, in a weird way, some kind of blessing. Thank God, it sounds like these kids are gonna make a full recovery. Thank God you're not married to this man because legally they could somehow come after you if you were. Thank God this person you really have you

know you were a victim of this situation along with these victims. Do they even know you exist? Probably not. There's not very many people in his life that know I exist. Honestly? Her older brother last weekend. So as far as him reaching out what are your instincts? Like what have you responded to him? I pretty much just look at it as when she gets older I want to be able to say that I was nice, I communicated, I did everything that I think that she would want me to do. So like anytime he does reach out or ask for pictures or anything like that, like I do send it. I do answer. I do do things, like I said, things that I think that she would want me to do when she's older.

Great. I think that's great. Send them pictures. It's her father. You know, give him an opportunity. Like again, like what really matters is like 10 years from now, you know, 15 years from now. When your daughter maybe needs a real like male role model. Hopefully, I don't know how this situation is gonna affect him. Let's assume he's going to prison. Hopefully it's not life, you know, but let's assume it's for a really long time.

He'll probably make some kind of plea deal to avoid life in prison if that's an option, you know. But like he might be able to be a father even through prison. You know, there's a situation, you know, there's probably a lot of people out there that have some pretty shitty dads who never went to prison. And there's a situation, maybe people who relate to you, who like maybe this will change his life and like even through letters or whatever he might be able to offer like words of wisdom to his daughter. He can still be a dad through prison.

But you don't know what kind of man he's gonna be in 10 years. And so you, and now him being in prison might protect you from him and protect him from her. So this could be a blessing. But right now I think you're doing all the right things. You're sending him pictures. I don't know what you've communicated to him

through letters about your expectations, but it would make sense if you voiced a frustration of his lack of being there for you. You're grateful that he's showing an interest now, but obviously, given what's happened, you're a little unsure and scared if he's the type of father that she needs right now. And so you can say, listen, she is your daughter.

So I will always send you pictures and I always, you know, and I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope that this very terrible situation is a wake-up call for you. I don't really know you. We don't know each other, but some, you know, we will always be connected through our daughter. So I really hope that you change your life. And I hope that you want to be a good father, no matter what happens with, you know, this trial or, you know, I hope that you want to be a good father and I will give you every opportunity to prove yourself as a good father, but know that

I'm always going to protect our daughter first, even if it means from you. And right now, I have to be mindful of that, given what you're dealing with right now. And again, from the bottom of my heart, I hope that you prove to her that you are capable of being the father that she needs. And leave out proving to you, it's about proving it to her. Because as far as you're concerned, fuck this guy.

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah. From the beginning, I've always told him that she, she's my number one focus. Her happiness is my number one focus. I don't ever want to take anything away from her. I want her to be able to experience everything, you know, and I just want her to know that no matter what, at the end of the day that she's loved. There you go. Yeah. That's all that matters. Listen, this is a terrible situation, we know. There's still a lot of beauty here. And your job as a mother, I think, is to try to obsessively focus on all the positive things,

especially when you're faced in a terrible situation. And there are positive things to focus on. And the weird fucked up thing in your situation is like a lot of the negatives that you have to deal with suck, it's more about like, you know, but like you are protected. You know, this situation could be worse. You know what I'm saying?

Like for you, obviously the victims aside, like it's a terrible, but like, doesn't sound like a great guy. And if he wasn't facing prison, I don't know what, you know, I don't know. We don't know if you and your daughter are safe around this guy. Now you're kind of protected.

Like you have custody, you have full custody, shit. Now if he were to try to ever fight that, that's gonna be a nightmare for him. That's what's crazy about your shitty situation. Could be worse. And so let's focus, and again, it just doesn't do you any good focusing on, I wish my life were different,

I wish you had a more present father again, like that is such a waste of your energy and time because to wish that would be to wish that you're such, that you didn't have the most beautiful thing that you've ever had in your life, which is your daughter. Yeah, you're absolutely right. And so you just have to wake up every day and look in the mirror and go, this is the

situation. These are the cards I was dealt. So what am I going to do about it? And while the cards I was dealt, you know, if we're going to use a card analogy, you were, you were, you were dealt an ace and then a bunch of, I don't know, twos, threes and fours, right? And I don't know the game we're playing, but we were going to keep that ace and we're going to try to get better.

You know, we're going to get, try to get rid of those twos, fours, threes and fours because they're dog shit. They do me no good. So let's not focus about on the, like the twos, threes and fours that you never wanted. Let's focus on the fact I got this ace and in this game I'm playing this fucking ace is pretty, it's amazing. It's the card everyone wants and I got that card and I'll never give it up. And as long as I have this card, I'm always in the fucking game. And that's the energy you need to bring to yourself

is knowing what you do have. And what you have, despite all this shit around you, is all you ever wanted. Keeping your energy and focus on what you do have is gonna be the best thing you can do, right? Because feeling sorry for yourself gets you fucking nowhere. It cripples you. Yeah. Like it almost like it's like you can feel sorry for yourself and you're just like, well, I don't know. I'm just gonna feel sorry for myself.

It makes you feel like you can't do anything about it. And that's not true. When you think, all right, all right, here's what I got. I got this ace. It's great. Got the other things I don't want. What can I do about that today? It moves you forward, you know? And you need to move forward. So I would love for you to like, honestly, like you mentioned Facebook and GoFundMe and stuff. And it's just like, honestly, if I were you,

if I were your friend, and if I were in your support system, I would encourage you to get offline. I would encourage you to stop like following this trial. I would encourage you to get offline. I would encourage you to stop following this trial. I would encourage you to stop paying attention to the victims. There's nothing you can do about it. You know what I'm saying? We all know it's a terrible situation. Thank God they're on a path of recovery. It sounds like they have a support system as well in a community and they're raising money for their medical bills and that is amazing for them. There's nothing you can do to help them.

So being involved and obsessing over this trial and things like that. Take it away from our energy that I don't. Yeah, there's nothing you can do. You know what I'm saying? And honestly, there's a world where like, as crazy as it sounds, him being behind bars might be the best situation

for you and your daughter. You don't know. You know what I'm saying? You literally don't know who this man is. Yeah, several people are constantly telling me that. That this is probably the best thing. I mean, looking back at his past and being like, look, you know. So it's possible.

Yeah. And again, maybe the wake up call he needs. We don't know, but like obsessing over that is taking up so much of your time. So think about it. Think about where your energy has been going the past month or so. Men you don't know on the dating apps trying to figure out who you should give attention to because like obviously you know you deserve love and you want it and then this guy who's in prison and these families you don't know, you know that is a lot of your energy

and time that you are focusing on things completely outside of your control. And so if you were to slow down, focus on that ace that you have, your child, be grateful every day that you look at her. And every time you have that thought, which it's going to happen, no matter, despite me saying this, you will, you know, tomorrow there'll be a day, a moment in that day, or maybe several where you feel bad about your situation. And that's human and that's normal. And you're just going to have to catch yourself and say, wait, hold on, let's just focus on my baby

for a second and goddamn she's cute and I'm so grateful to have her. Do I wish I had a man in my life? Of course, I'm going to have a man in my life. If you look in the mirror, you're like, I'm hot, I'm sexy, I'm great. It's going to happen. And if it happens for you again at 42, like you're going to have the rest of your life to have that companionship. And then I say this as someone who didn't find the love that I've wanted for my life until I was 40. And I know as a man, it's different than being as a woman. But again, like you have your daughter

and you have that blessing. And I promise you, even if your daughter is the only child you have, there's other options to grow your family, your support system. And we don't know if that's the case. But I'd be willing to bet if you could find a healthy man who really loved you and loved your daughter and was willing to like be a partner to you

and a father to your daughter, and then it happened seven years from now, but it was really a great, great, great, beautiful situation, you would take that and you would be grateful for it. And you wouldn't look back. Yeah, you might say like, I wish I met you earlier, but you wouldn't spend a ton of energy focusing on,

oh, it's not like you would wake up every day and be like, oh, I wish I met you earlier. Why didn't I meet you five years ago? You'd be like, I'm I met you earlier, but you wouldn't spend a ton of energy focusing on, oh, it's not like you would wake up every day and be like, oh, I wish you met you earlier. Why didn't I meet you five years ago? You'd be like, I'm so glad I have you now. Yes. I don't know when that's gonna happen for you, but it will, you know? Yeah, I think at the road leading up to having her

and all the past, excuse my language, bullshit relationships I went through, and then having her and thinking, okay, I waited this long to even have her and in my head thinking if I had to wait this long to have her I should have this fairy tale ending and now I don't. There's not such thing as a fairy tale ending you know what I'm saying. You have it you got it you got it like look most people aren't that lucky.

She's definitely my fairy tale ending. Like you know I just have a daughter like there's every time I wake up now and I fight for the opportunity to greet River every morning because she's Smiling and it's just like that's the fucking best and you have that and no one can take that away from you I am I'm definitely grateful about that part like that I don't have to share her and I don't think you know I don't have to fight to walk in there in the mornings with her and all that stuff, but it's.

So right now, given all the shit that's going on around you and the craziness that is this situation, just slow down. I guess is really my advice. Slow down and focus on gratitude and focus on what you have. And then ask yourself any given day, what can I do to either help my daughter's situation or my situation?

You don't wanna go back to school, it's totally fine. Maybe you wanna be a male person the rest of your life. That's also totally fine. But maybe there are, like it's pretty, my guess is being a male person is like pretty steady work. Also probably gives you a lot of- The benefits are great.

Great, right? You got the benefits. Like it Also probably gives you a lot of- The benefits are great. Great, right? You got the benefits. Like it probably maybe gives you some free time if you wanted to like take up a hobby or a second job to create additional income. Certainly it's more work, but like that's possible right now. And given all the energy that you are investing

in men you don't know on the apps and a man that you know you never wanna see in prison, like what if you just looked into like making some little extra cash, or maybe a work from home situation that I don't know. Like there's a million different ways to make money. And maybe you kind of look into that, to don't require you to go back to school.

And maybe that will allow you at five years from now to move to a different city. I don't know, but I would look at how do I give me and my daughter more options? I don't even know what those options are, but how do I set my family up and that your family right now is you and your daughter for success?

Definitely. How do you invest in yourself? How do you, you know, what do you enjoy doing? Like I would rather you spend more energy, like I don't know, maybe it's a class or a hobby or workout class, whatever. I want all your energy to go into your daughter in you. Anything that improves you

or sets your daughter up for success and you being the healthiest and happiest version of yourself is the best thing for your daughter right now because we know what she doesn't have. She doesn't really have a father figure in her life but she does have a mother and let's make sure what she does have her mom is the best version of herself and to do that I need you to focus on what you do have and I need you to start you know slowing down and stop you know obsessing over what you don't have and feeling sorry for yourself and worry about fairy tales and happy endings. You know, when you're happy ending, it's when you die. That's your ending. Let's not worry about when

you die right now. Until then, it's just an ongoing story that will have peaks and valleys. You know, we always talk about being the main character of our lives. Well, there's no good story without a lot of tragedy and a lot of dark times. Watch a Disney movie, there's always a terrible tragedy somewhere in the middle, you know? And so if we want to be the main character of our stories, we have to accept the fact that shit happens and we just have to work through it. And right now you're working through the shit. You'll get your happy ending. You'll get your happiness. And to bring more happiness in your life is to just focus on asking yourself how do I do that and stop dwelling on what you don't have and just focus on the gratitude. Okay you're absolutely correct and I

should and and that was part of my reason on writing in was that I kind of wanted your advice on if I even should be trying to date right now like I say I'm ready but am I ready and and then anytime I got on the app, I was like, this is just like, what am I doing here? Yeah, I would probably say like, of course, if an opportunity presents itself, look into it. I wouldn't be investing a lot of your energy being proactive about your dating life.

I would just be open. If everyone asked about your dating life, be like, well, obviously I have a lot going on, you know, like I got my baby, but like, I'm always open and meeting a great guy for sure. And just like saying that to yourself and saying that to your friends, even if nothing happens, putting that energy out there into the world matters.

I really believe that. You know, it's not gonna be an instant turnaround. You're not saying that so all of a sudden people start like going out there and trying to set you up or anything like that. You're just putting that out there into the world. And that's the message. You're not closed off. You're open, but you're happy. But you're just right now, your priorities are at your daughter. And that way you're just kind of always looking and available. You never want to be that person who's like, oh, I can't. I never want to date right now. Fuck guys and fuck relationships. I would hate that for you. Yeah. And I also don't want you to be like,

I need to find someone, I can't be happy without a guy in my life. And I just, now that I have a daughter, now I need to find a man. Like, eh, no. And I think that's like pretty much my whole adult life. So this far, you know, before her, it was, I don't really care to,

like I was just dating around, having a good time in my twenties, you know, just living life. I bartended and then worked at the post office, just living my best life. Didn't really care about relationships. I had a few here and there, but now it's like, for some reason in my mind,

I go back to now I have a daughter, I should have a partner. And it's like trying to figure out is- Well, stop saying the word should and have to in language like that. Like, stop telling yourself how you're failing. Because that's kind of what you're doing. When you say things like,

I should have a partner right now because I have a daughter, that is your subconscious or being like, you're doing it wrong. You're failing your daughter. You're failing yourself. Like, what? Like, that's not helpful. You're not. Your daughter's very lucky to have you. You're? Like that's not helpful, you're not.

Your daughter's very lucky to have you, you're crushing it as a mom, she's clearly loved. Her mom has a steady government job with great benefits, she'll always be taken care of. You have a support system. There's a million other more terrible situations of kids out there, you have to stop judging yourself. Again, wake up and be like, this is my situation and I am grateful for it.

It could be so much worse. That's what I got to start doing is just turning around these negative thoughts. And then you ask yourself, well, what would I like for myself in the future? How would, how can I improve my situation? Well, I was someday would like to find a man. I'm going to find a man I'm going to, I don't know when probably won't be when I want it, but I'm going to. My daughter is probably gonna be the person,

maybe it's not through words, but looking at her. She's gonna help me filter out the wrong men that I probably on my own did a bad job of doing when I was younger. Because instead of giving into my ego or short-term gratification, I'm gonna ask myself before I give in, I'm gonna slow down for my daughter,

even if not for me. And that will allow you to filter through some of the bad options and allow you to bring men worthy of you and your daughter into your life. And listen, you're probably gonna experience some heartbreaking disappointment as you date. That's inevitable. But the trick of dating is to stop wasting

your energy and time on people who are obviously not good for you and in your situation for your daughter. And it's so hard to figure that out, partly because we get so anxious and so desperate to find love that we just want to find love that we'll make excuses for all these people. And so you need to tell yourself, I don't need a guy. I want one. And knowing the difference between needing and wanting one will be what saves you from considering a bunch of bad options because it's not worth bringing another shitty guy into your life. So like you have friends, you have companionship, you have a community, and I just want you focusing on that.

And just how do you make yourself available? Get out there, involve yourself in the community, whether it's church groups, whether it's some sort of class or project or whatever, be involved, get out there. And the more you're open to meeting people and making friends, the more you will increase your chances

of someone worthy of you and your daughter coming into your life. And take your time with all these decisions. It doesn't have to happen overnight. If I were you, I'd make a list. And that list is, I would two categories. What do I want? And the other column is what do I need?

Now, that want column could be pretty long. I'm probably on many things that you want. But your need column should be pretty short. And maybe if what I need is my daughter and there's nothing else on that list, I think that's a great list. Maybe that list could also include a healthy support system, my job. My daughter, my family, a healthy support system, my job, things that you need. You don't need anything else. Things I want. A healthy relationship. A man who values and prioritizes me and my daughter. More friends. Something I enjoy on the side. All these in these wants,

well, those are goals. And then you can start checking over time the want list. Well, how do I get what I want? But knowing that it's in the want list and not the need list will help you protect yourself from making things that you want in your head be things that you need. When you take things that you want and turn them in your head to things that you need, you start compromising your boundaries.

You start making exceptions. Because instead of being like, well, I want it, but I don't really need it right now. Then I can wait because if I want it and then don't need it, well, then I can ask myself, is this something I really want to bring into my life? Well, let's ask myself, like, you know, what, you know, what does it look like? What are the red flags, green flags, blah, blah, blah. But all of a sudden, if you're looking at, but I need this, I need this, I need this

right now. Well, you know, you're going to start ignoring boundaries. You set yourself, you're going, oh, your daughter, right? Because I need it, I just need it. I need a fucking man, I just need it. So let's give him a shot. Because when we need things, we have to make compromises for the things that we need

because we need them. And we'll take what we can get when we need things. But things that we want, that we don't need, we can be a lot pickier. Yeah, I see that. Yeah, I see where that can happen. Being, I guess, almost so desperate that it's like, he's a really shitty guy, but it's okay

because he's gonna stick around. Yeah, no, we're not doing that again. So I would honestly get one of those big whiteboards. I want this hanging up in your house, somewhere that you can see every day in your want list and your need list. Maybe there's a few other things, but I want that need list to be really short. I want that daughter on top of it. I want your

support group, your family, your job, and then I don't know what else you need. If you're a religious person, put God up there, God in your life, a relationship with God. Maybe that's something that you need. It should be a short list. And then that want list, make it as long as you want. But never make the mistake of putting things in the want list over the need list if it's not the case. That makes sense. All right. Just one of those things where it's like, ah, having to recalorate my thinking, you know,

and going from that. I mean, listen, the key to- It's like that pity party to like not a pity party. I mean, listen, there's a whole purpose of this show, specifically Ask Nick. It's not like I'm not a therapist, I'm not an expert. I just, I'm offering a different point of view. And as someone who's had his own shit

and will continue to have his own shit that he has to work through, and I have a lot, I am a very lucky person. I've had an immense amount of privilege in my life. And despite all that, like everyone else, I've had to deal with my own trauma and shit. And my ability to have what I perceive is to be a very lucky and blessed life

is my ability to focus on what I do have and not what I don't and to reprogram how I see things. Right, and to change my perspective and to focus more on gratitude and things like that. Because it doesn't matter who you are. You could be a billionaire right now and you can be depressed and miserable and feel sorry for yourself and you could obsess about all the things that you don't have. And there's a lot of people with immense amount of privilege and money who are really good at being miserable. There's people who have had to deal with terrible

injuries, lost the ability to walk, who are happier than people who have everything they could possibly ask for. And so much about life and happiness has to do with the thoughts and things that go on between your ears than anything else. So yeah, it's hard, but like you can do it. And your daughter deserves it. Definitely 100%.

All right, make that list, okay? Yes. Now, can you make that list and email it to Justin and prove that you deserves it. Definitely, 100%. All right. Make that list, okay? Yes. Now, can you make that list and email it to Justin and prove that you did it? But I want you hanging it up in your wall. You know what I'm saying? It's just the only, I want you looking at it all the time.

I want you to remind yourself because that's gonna be the thing that kind of kicks you back into the right frame of mind. All right, yes. I'll do that. Protect what you need. I'm gonna do that. All right. And. I'll do that. I'm going to do that. All right. And see how it works out and it'll help me. Okay. Stay in that positive mind frame. All right. Good luck. Thank you. Congratulations to the beautiful daughter.

Thank you. Thank you. We're going to protect what we need. We're going to go after what we want. We're not going to confuse the difference. When it comes to your love life, you're going to be open, We're not going to confuse the difference. When it comes to your love life, you're going to be open, but not proactive. And when it comes to him, you're going to give him every opportunity to be a father to your daughter, but making sure that she and you are always protected first. And we'll see what happens. It sounds like he might have a lot of time on his hands to try to be a good father over the years. That's a long game. And we can only pray that when she's 10, 12, 13, 15, he has made the right changes so that he can have a baby positive role, even if it's behind bars to your daughter.

Positive. All right. Well, thank you so much, Nick. I really appreciate this. Take care. Enjoy it. Thank you. Thank you for the call.

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Just go to sundaysfordogs.com slash viall and use code viall at checkout. Again, that's sundaysfordogs.com slash viall or use code vi I a l l at checkout again. That's Sundays for dogs.com slash V I a l l or use code V I a l l at checkout. How's it going? Good. Um, my name is Sarah. I'm 34 and my boyfriend tries to control what I wear. Okay.

How did that make you feel? It was alarming at first. Um, I guess what do you mean by he controls what you wear? Okay. So like I met him and I really thought this was a when you know, you know situation. It seemed like all of our morals, values, chemistry, attraction, conversation, it was all really, really good.

I'm 34, he's 38, we've already gone through ups and downs in our past relationships. You really feel like you know what you're getting yourself into at this point. So there was a few things that he kind of set up front by date two. He said that he did have this bathing suit boundary of his. He said his one of his ex flings was wearing thong bathing suits. He didn't like that.

And their compromise was that she wouldn't wear a thong bathing suit. This was completely fine for me because I am not even close to wearing thong bathing suits. I thought he was just more of a respectable man so it wasn't a red flag at first. So later on I had July 4th plans and we are gonna be around like guys and girls. It's July 4th. We're doing a Rafting trip. It's gonna be a blast. He wanted me to try on my bathing suits for him. So Because I was gonna be around males and females. I mean, I love it when Nellie tries things on for me It's more like oh damn looking good, you know Hey, babe, I got some new outfits. Can I try them on for you? I'm like, yeah

Let's see how sexy you look. But this sounds more like, all right, well, we're gonna be around people, let's see what you're thinking about because I'm gonna go tell you when I am in it and I'm not okay with it. Was that more the vibe? Yes, that was definitely the vibe.

It was not something that was gonna be sexy or turn anybody on. This was to see if he was okay with the bathing suits I was gonna be sexy or turn anybody on. This was to see if he was okay with the bathing suits I was gonna wear. So I didn't think anything of it too much because like I said, my bathing suits are pretty modest. So I tried on four of my bathing suits I typically wear.

And- Sorry for interrupting. When he asked, were you pretty much like, okay, sure, or were you just like, why? No, I was okay, sure. Why were you pretty much like okay sure or were you just like why? No I was I was okay sure. Why were you okay sure? I was okay sure. And the reason I asked that is because sorry I get for interrupting the reason why I ask why were you okay sure is because regardless of what you think of your bathing suits he was asking and giving the vibe that he was he didn't trust you or your take

and that he needed to give you approval first. And to me, regardless of what your bathing suits looked like, it's like you're not in a position to tell me what to wear or what's okay for me to wear. There's a difference between someone saying what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with and setting a boundary and then giving you rules and treating you like a child.

Yes, I agree with you. I didn't think of it in that way until a little bit later. Gotcha, all right. So anyways, you try on the suits, you think they're super modest. Yes, I do. They're not anywhere close to a thong. He tells me to turn around.

So now my butt is facing him and then he tells me to bend over. At that point, I was like. Kind of kinky. Okay, see this is what I did. In the moment I was like, this could either be alarming or kinky. So I decided to disassociate and like,

just play into this dom sub dynamic in the moment because I was like, this could be weird. But I'm gonna choose not to make it weird. Okay. And then he says, I don't feel great with these. He was like, if there was an inch on either side, I would feel more comfortable. So he kind of started getting some anxiety because I was going to wear these bathing

suits on the July 4th event. So I was like, okay, well, maybe there's a compromise here. I was thinking this way because a lot of other things that kind of came into play later had not surfaced yet. So I was like, is this just a bathing suit thing? I can probably work with it if there's all these other things that are positives in this relationship. So I ordered four new bathing suits

that were labeled full coverage and they were coming on Amazon. I wasn't going to invest too much into it. And then other things started to surface. I listened to one of the other ask Nick and one of the episodes touched on only fans. Okay. So I asked him if he had an only fans. Cause I was like, there's some sort of like insecurity here that I'm not aware of. Or like, I wasn't understanding.

So he did say he had an OnlyFans. Oh, it gets worse, it gets way worse. He has an OnlyFans, two actually, one that is anonymous and another that has his real name. Why? Well, there was a girl at his gym who he knew had an OnlyFans, and I guess he wanted to peep on her page

and he didn't want his name to actually be up there. Why would someone want their name up there? I have no idea. So I would assume all of them are anonymous, but I guess not, because he has two. Yeah, okay, anyways. Uh. Uh, yeah.

And in addition to that, he follows thousands of Instagram OnlyFans accounts on him. So. Okay, this is nuts. It's starting to get very nuts. He kept using therapy talk to kind of make me feel like I was being unreasonable. So he was saying, these are a boundary,

just like, you know, me not getting rid of only fans because you think it's cheating is a boundary. Did you ask him to get rid of his only fans and state that it felt like cheating? Yeah. So Did you ask him to get rid of his OnlyFans and state that it felt like cheating? Yeah, so I did ask him to get rid of his OnlyFans because I was like, if you're directly messaging people for content and paying for it, I was like, this kind of feels like cheating

when you're in the bounds of a relationship. So he did get rid of that without much fight. What about all the follows on social media? The social media thing, I was like, I don't really care that you are following these people personally. I was like, but if it gets to a point where you're following my family members

or my friends or things like that, I was like, I don't want them being able to see that you follow thousands of these girls, because it's a little embarrassing for me. Yeah. So he said, okay, well, as they come through my feed, I will try to start to get rid of them. We really didn't reach a massive breaking point until I figured out about his spank bang.

And this this kind of was the big downfall of everything. So he did take a couple of sexy pictures of me, which like I'm about. And then that's in turn how his spank bang got brought up. But he did take a couple sexy pictures of me, which like I'm about. And then that's in turn how his spank bank got brought up. He has a big USB drive of all of his past flings, exes, like all kinds of pictures that he occasionally looks at. And I said, do you keep these forever? And he said, yeah.

He's like, I haven't gotten rid of them. And I said, okay. I was like, personally, I do not want to end up on this spank bank. So I would like you to delete my photo. Yeah. I don't, I like, I do not want to be on there forever. So he was like, I don't like that you're making me do this, but whatever. He kind of, you could tell he was upset about that. He had to get rid of mine.

And I said, well, if you want more pictures of me, I was like, I think it's pretty fair if you kind of get rid of pictures and stop looking at the ones of your ex. I was like, cause I don't understand why you're so possessive over that. But that was triggering for him. It was a little triggering. And he said, he said, because they're memories. And I said for him. It was a little triggering and he said, he said, because they're memories. And I said, okay, I was like, this is not pictures of you. Did you say, how would that make you feel if I indulged in all my sexual memories

from men from my past? I did have one video that I still had from a previous relationship that I hadn't gotten rid of, but I was like I will I was like I'll get rid of it right now And he said no no no keep it He was like I want you to keep it because it might turn me on to watch it later Like both of us watch it together, so I was like cool Like but I wouldn't have kept it if he wasn't okay with it like it's I was it was easily disposable He told me that he would not get rid of his spank bank

until his wedding day. Okay. Well, I'm glad that he's really good at setting and enforcing his boundaries, but I think either you're forgetting that you're capable of doing both as well, and also you are entitled to not respect his boundaries. And you are entitled to communicate yours.

Dating is kind of communicating your boundaries and expectations and figuring out which ones you guys are willing to respect and follow through with. Yeah, so that was where I wasn't sure where to go because we got into a pretty heated argument about that, the spank bank situation. It's like when he is telling me he is not gonna get rid of it until his wedding day But he also wants to control what I wear like I can't even wear a bathing suit

No, so lie. Let we're gonna put a stop to that. I mean this guy seems I don't know Maybe not your guy like what's your guy? Are you guys you guys are still together today? No, so it ended Shortly after I reached out to you guys Because in addition to the bathing. And I said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I said, I'm going to go to the bathroom.

And he said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And I said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he said, I'm going to go to the bathroom. And he not in any way revealing. They're just sexy. So he was like, I don't want you to wear that black dress unless I'm around. And then because this OnlyFans thing come into play, I told him that I wasn't willing to not wear the black dress. And I was like, because I

think this is completely appropriate and if the OnlyFans thing you're going to keep and you're going to keep until your wedding day, I was like, I feel like I should be able to wear this black dress. That was kind of the big downfall of the entire situation, which led to us ending the relationship because then he started to ask me what I'm going to wear to Lost Lands. And I'm going in September to EDM music festival because it's on my bucket list. And you deserve to get slotted up there, you know, like it's a festival. It's a festival.

And he, it kind of spiraled because he was like, if you're going to change your mind about this black dress, are you changing your mind about what you're going to wear to Lost Lands? Like it just absolutely spiraled. I mean, it's just like the hypocrisy and the double standards are unbelievable. You know, it is. And he was making me I think what I have had a hard time dealing with is that he was making me feel very unreasonable.

Like he's like, I'm getting rid of only fans for you. So why can't you change your bathing suits for me? And I'm like, they're not the same. And I've been in a beautiful emotionally abusive relationships in the past where they've kind of invalidated my feelings. And I've had a hard time trusting my instincts or my gut. I've had to do a lot of therapy to switch that up. And I'm getting rid of people a lot faster now. But that doesn't mean it. I'm still questioning it at the end. I'm like, I have

ruminated on this over the, we broke up maybe a week and a half ago. And you're wondering if you made the right decision? Yeah, I'm wondering, cause we didn't get to the point of trying on the new bathing suits and I'm like, would it have stopped there? Like, what did it have stopped there? No, this has nothing to do with bathing suits. This has to do with control and again, not a psychologist, so I can only guess and try to read them and I never met them, but there's just a lot of red flags going on here, right?

Like one, like I think maybe there's some projecting going on here. He's projecting, like all these women he's following and watching on OnlyFans, he's objectifying. He doesn't know them, he's just literally objectifying because he's looking at these sexy pictures, right? And now he's projecting what he thinks about them onto his girlfriend. And he's probably read some pretty like toxic, you know, maybe if your girl posts a sexy

picture online, she's doing it only to get attention from other men. And then he's just like, well yeah, because the girls that I'm looking at, I'm giving them attention. And if she walks out of the house with something that's provocative or sexy or puts it online, then what are her real intentions? He's only focused on your intentions as it relates to him and he's not thinking about your agency or what you're entitled to. He clearly doesn't trust you. You've got a beautiful face.

What are you supposed to do? Wear a mask of your face at the risk of some guy going at the grocery store and being like, wow, that's a beautiful woman. I'm really attracted to her. You're supposed to cover your face too. You know, it's just fucking crazy. And then the whole spank-bang stuff, and then like, yeah, it's just,

it sounds like he's got maybe some porn addictions or just some, you know, it's not about the memories, it's about, he's collecting notches on his belt. He's got an unhealthy relationship with these women that he follows. When I asked him why he wanted to change my clothing, he did touch on the fact that he was like, men are dogs.

Yeah, they are. He was like, we're all dogs. And he was like, I don't want you to look like you're single. What does single look like? I don't know. To him, it means revealing clothing. And his definition of revealing clothing is not the norm. Yeah.

So I don't know. I've, I've been thinking about it nonstop over the last week and a half, because I kind of think he's going to come back as the way it ended. Who gives a shit what he's going to do. I only care about what you're going to do. And when you say, I think he's going to come back. W w will you make it seem like you don't have control in this situation? I do.

I almost don't trust myself. What part don't you trust yourself with? I'm like nervous what I would do if he reached out and I'm not fully over it yet. Well, it just happened, of course you're not over it. Do you think this is a good person for you? No, not anymore. I don't know, I think, I just have no idea how to tell

if it's a when you know you know situation It doesn't exist. It doesn't it doesn't exist when you know you doesn't exist. Well, you're 34 years old. Yeah Yeah, have you ever met anyone regardless? I'm forget about romantic Have you ever met a single person in your life that the more you got to know them? The more they surprised you both good and bad People don't show you who they are right away. If they do, you're lucky. Also, people evolve and change. So even if you met someone who was like,

oh, you know, you know, like a year, they might be kind of a different person three years from now. He wasn't always this kind of what seems like a weird kind of addiction to porn or following women. Like that happened. He probably wasn't this person 10 years ago, but he is now, you know? But more importantly, like when happened. He probably wasn't this person 10 years ago,

but he is now, you know? But more importantly, like when you know, you know, it's just like, yeah, I think that's, you gotta get rid of that mindset. You can get excited about someone, you can get excited about their potential. That's all you're getting. When you get excited, when you meet someone

that you get like, oh wow, I'm really excited and I really like him, he seems like a great guy, there's a lot to like here. That's just all potential, you know? And that's not to make you like cynical or Not trust anyone but it just makes you more realistic that like it's just gonna take some time to actually get to know these people How long do you date this guy for? I only dated him for a month. A month, right? Yeah So like, yeah, right. I met his family, it was a whole thing. Sure, whatever.

Meeting someone's family isn't the end all be all. Even if it's a big deal to you, you don't know if it's a big deal to him. He didn't meet your family, right? No. Why? My family is long distance. Okay.

They're not where I'm currently at, so it wasn't convenient. Okay. But I probably would have introduced him to them if they were close by. How many people have you introduced to your family? Probably like five or six. Five or six.

And you're not with any of them today, correct? No. Do you go through life being like, oh, I really wish I didn't introduce Derek to my family 10 years ago. Boy, really, what a big regret. Have you ever? Have you ever regretted it?

No, I don't even care. Exactly. So why do we go around and like make the meeting of parents some sort of important ceremony that's some sort of rite of passage that somehow means something for the potential of your relationship? It's not that big of a deal.

Yeah, I guess it feels like a big deal when I do it because I only introduce people that I really care about. Sure, yeah, you cared about him. You got to know him, you were excited about him, It feels like a big deal when I do it because I only introduce people that I really care about. So to me- Yeah, you cared about him. You got to know him, you were excited about him. You really liked what you learned so far, which I always say. Nellie and I have been together for four or five years.

We've been married for a couple months. We've been engaged for a year and a half, still learning about each other. Literally last night we had a conversation that we kind of bickered a little bit and I was like, oh, well, interesting to know, but it will work. Whatever, you will always learn things about people.

Can I ask you when you knew that Natalie was your person? It wasn't like somewhere to wake up in an epiphany. Once I decided I wanted to give the relationship a shot, I knew that she was someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. And so then I decided to try to make that work, knowing that I could be wrong. And so again, at that point I was like, I'm going to try to make this work. And so every day I focused on prioritizing her and our relationship. And then, you know, not quite every day, because that's not actually

realistic, but you, I would check in with myself. I guess the day I knew she would be my person, so to speak, was I suppose the day we got engaged, but even then, you know, it's like, there's a difference between getting engaged and getting married, we didn't get married. Now we're married. And there's not a guarantee, you know,

people get divorced all the time, you know? So it's still up to Nally and I to do the work every day to focus on our connection and keep our relationship strong. And shit's gonna hit the fan, and we'll have worked through shit, we'll continue to work through shit. When you asked me that question, honestly, I don't have an honest answer for you.

Fair enough. Yeah, I just don't know when to know, like when can I just step back and enjoy the relationship? You know, like I feel like a lot of people when they come into my life They are you're confusing enjoying the relationship with not having to like do the work in a relationship You know, what do you mean? I like when can I enjoy the relationship because I'm a big believer that like, you know, we're in the courting process You know, we get really excited about someone and once we we decide that we like someone, we stop trying to get to know people

and we focus our energy only on making sure they like us. That's when our ego takes over. Because once we decide we like someone, there's that immediate fear of like, well, what if they don't like me back? Holy fuck, well, I'm gonna get worried. And the ego's like, well, that's not, we cannot deal with someone that we like

not liking us back. So we need to put all our energy and all our marbles into making sure they like us. So when he's just like, well, listen, I'm on guard of a bathing suit. You're like, I guess I can do that, whatever. I just want him to like me because I like him so much. And then we stop actually doing the work

and focusing on our connection and getting to know each other and being open to the possibility that even though we're really excited, three weeks into this relationship or one month in this relationship or six months into this relationship, we always have to be willing to learn about something that we don't like about this person.

Not necessarily to break up and have everything fall apart, but it's just like, okay, well, wasn't expecting this, kind of hard to digest. How do we work through this? You know, obviously you've been learning a lot of things about this guy, right? And some of these things were like alarming, you know, almost like that made you feel crazy. And it, any time to answer your question that you're like, that you're kind of concerned about, cause like part of this is like, you've done so much work on yourself. You've been in some, you know, emotionally abusive relationships in the past.

You started dating this guy. There was a lot of promise. And then all of a sudden, like, he started saying and doing things that set off some alarm bells that made you question all the feelings you had there, and then it really made you doubt yourself. I feel like you're seeing this wrong. You are showing improvement, and that's improvement

that's protecting yourself. You know, I'm guessing you, 10 years ago, would still be in this relationship, would still be making excuses, would even feel uncomfortable asking him to delete this OnlyFans. Would only be focusing on the fact that you met his parents and it's really good

and he does some sweet and nice things and the sex is good and he must really care about me because he's really like looking out for me because like he's, you know, he'll be protecting me and blah, blah, blah. You would convince yourself of all this. And then you would stay in this relationship for much longer than you did.

And you would get more emotionally invested and connected. And then all of a sudden you'd be dating this person for a year and then something else would happen and make you question yourself. And then you'd be like, well, should I stay in this relationship? And then that part would be like, well, you've already been in it for a year and you're 26 years old.

And you would think to yourself, well, 26 is so old. I don't want to start over now. But now that you're 34, you're thinking 26. Fuck, I was so young. Well, when you're 40, you're going to be thinking 34 is young too. So don't forget that. And so instead of like doubting yourself and being like, oh, I'm still getting it wrong.

No, this is this is progress for you. It only took you a month to figure out someone who was really exciting had a lot of potential you know he's probably a decent guy but he's got some weird kinks and things that he's got to iron out that he hasn't done yet so he is not a complete and finished product and certainly not capable of giving you what you need in a relationship and it only took you a month to figure out yeah I am proud of myself for that I mean from the time I saw really big red flags at the time I broke it off it was like nine days. And so it's awesome. That's pretty fast. That's incredible. And I think you

really need to take stock in that and applaud yourself for that. And then you asked a question well like I don't know what this specific question was but something around like well how do I know if it's meant to I don't know exactly what you said but what's more important, you know, you are a smart, confident woman. Trust yourself. If you meet anyone, friend, boy, romantic, platonic, and they say or do something that makes you go, this feels really off, then it is. Trust yourself. You can ask more questions. You can see how off it is, but don't let someone convince you that something your body is telling you is off that it's not.

And it might not be off to them. You might just have a complete difference of opinion, but like you have to trust your instincts and follow through with them and don't let anyone convince you that your instincts are off. Okay, so this wasn't just difference of opinions. This was actually off. Yeah.

Okay. But he might find someone else who's, you know, I don't know, into this shit or something, but there's clearly a lot of hypocrisy going on. He's projecting his insecurities or his opinions of women or whatever, or whatever kind of is going on in his brain of why he has this, you know, two only fans, spank bank, this almost like notches on the belt, you know? You have an old sex tape of a boyfriend, like you saving that, you know,

feeling is very similar to him. But like you would also easily get rid of it. He's like, we're setting this weird boundary, he's never gonna get rid of it till like he gets married. I promise you, if, and when he gets married, he'll have a hard time doing it. And also by the way, like what your big reward for marrying someone is that they delete all their sex tapes on the night before their

wedding. The fuck is that? Yeah, I literally I was on the phone with him and I said, how romantic, right? How romantic. You best believe he's gonna be watching all those videos one more fucking time before he deletes it. So on the eve of his wedding to his lovely bride, he's gonna be jerking off to, God only knows how many women he used to have sex with. Yeah, it's like, it's a painful thought. I don't understand. It's fucking crazy, right? But whatever, listen, I'm not here to knock anyone's kink,

and if you're comfortable with, you know, God bless you both, but the point is you weren't. And you have the right to say that without anyone making you feel crazy. And that's just, if nothing else, it's just like, I'm just not into that. And that's, if you are, that's fine. But in a month, I've learned that we obviously have just,

if nothing else, very different kinks and boundaries that maybe just don't line up. So I don't wanna sit there and debate with you. Cause you guys got into this whole tit for tat of what is weird and what's not weird. Weird is a matter of perspective. And a month in when you're debating some with someone some things that you're make you really uncomfortable and they're trying to argue with you about why you're wrong for feeling uncomfortable if nothing else you just

now listen you're not my person. And you start wasting energy trying to convince them of your perspective. I guess in my mind, he was in a seven year relationship prior to me, like prior to the small flings. And he said it was essentially sexless. Yeah, and in that meantime, he developed a really weird habit and justified his sexless relationship

and to like following all these women online and getting these OnlyFans. And and probably in his mind blamed his partner who for whatever reason they weren't having sex. It was probably both their fault who knows why but he used that as an excuse to like dabble in this right and that has changed his perspective on women in general probably. Look at that's an obsession thousands of women literally even probably. Look, that's an obsession. Thousands of women, literally even if it was hundreds, that's an obsession. Multiple OnlyFans, that's an obsession.

And that obsession, like- That's what I thought too. Obsessions warp our perspective of reality. People wanna protect their obsessions because they don't wanna feel weird and they don't wanna feel judged and they wanna normalize their obsessions so it doesn't feel like it is

and they're entitled to do that, but like, trust your instincts. Okay, so I feel much better about it. As far as this guy, stop telling yourself you're worried about him reaching out. Yes, you probably miss him, you miss the companionship. Just acknowledge the fact. When you're struggling with these types of decisions,

just state what you know. I know that there's a lot of things I liked about him. You know why? Because I'm not fucking crazy. I have pretty good taste. I'm not completely a lost cause. I'm not the 19 year old version of me. I've learned a lot. So like, of course he has some good qualities that I liked.

And even though you found out a lot of weird things about him, it doesn't change what you liked about him. You know, it's not a black and white situation. Two things can be true at the same time. You can like things about people, you can dislike things about people. I'm sure my staff, there's things as their boss they like, and they're probably like,

I fucking hate it when Nick does that. And they both can be true. You know what I'm saying? Are there things you like and dislike about your parents? Yes. All right, friends? Yes. Okay, so let's stop driving yourself nuts

because the man that you realize wasn't a good fit for you and you chose to separate it, that you're still missing things that you realize wasn't a good fit for you and you chose to separate it that you're still like missing things That you enjoyed about him, okay But you have to remind yourself that the things that you did enjoyed about him are really kind of like you're you're not fucking with And you're not fucking with them because there's there's some big red flags here There's some controlling issues if nothing else you're just completely on different sets of pages in terms of what is kind of kinky versus weird. He's trying to make you feel bad about, you know, trusting your instincts and your gut.

Listen, there is nothing wrong with dating someone early on. And I know we kind of live in a world where men just need to shut the fuck up and they can't have any opinions whatsoever. But I still think it's okay for both people in a relationship to like say, well, if you were on Instagram posting a bunch of sexy pictures, there might be a place where you'd be like, well, that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Maybe it makes me feel uncomfortable. I want you to do what you want to do and that wouldn't be controlling per se or it's a real fine line,

but he has the right to say what he's comfortable with. Then you can say, well, what part of that makes you feel uncomfortable? Well, it's just like, well, yeah, there is something to be said about like being in a relationship and posting a bunch of, a shit ton of provocative photos, but to everyone's different, you know? There's some people it bothers and some people it doesn't.

People have the right to change their mind. It's just having that conversation. It wouldn't really bother him. Yeah, I'm willing to bet, like when you're in a relationship with a man, if he were to like call me and say, I don't wanna be controlling, I want you to wear what you want. But like, maybe it's me, maybe it's from my past,

but like, man, this picture makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Like, would you consider, you know, and I bet you'd be far more willing to be like, yeah, it doesn't really bother me. If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll take it down. Versus like, hey, put some clothes on and let me give you permission of what you should wear.

And all of a sudden, like, she's trying to account for every man's opinion ever. It's like, well, I don't, fuck. Bend over? It's like, the fuck? Yeah, and not in a sexual way. And an approval type way. And that's fucked.

And he doesn't have the right to do that. He doesn't have the right to ever give you permission. And now he's my wife, I don't have the right to give her permission what to wear. I do have the right to communicate what makes me feel uncomfortable And hope that she takes that in consideration Because I take and consider it makes her feel comfortable and with in reason we're always going out of our way to make each other Feel comfortable because that's what we would care about and then again

It's such a fine line, but a lot of it has to do with communication and then when people are resistant to it So what are you protecting? Yeah, that was my question. I was like, why are you so possessive over these things? And the same thing, like if you're out there like posting like lingerie on your Instagram every day, you know, it might be a fair question to be like, well, I mean, you like we're in a committed relationship. I'm just curious as to why do you feel like to need to post this? And it's just, and it may be your answer to what makes me feel sexy. And then maybe that would be an appropriate question.

Be like, well, who is that make you feel sexy for? And then it might be a fair question to be like, well, why, why are you trying to feel sexy for a bunch of people online? And I guess if you want to be in a committed relationship with me, I guess I'm just a little uncomfortable with you trying to be sexy for a bunch of other people. Are there other ways that you can feel sexy that don't necessarily involve you posting lingerie pictures online for anyone to see? Maybe that's a fair question. I don't know, right? That's a conversation. But the moment someone says you're not allowed to do that,

or you can't do that, and it's fucked up, and you do that, when you're a single person, you have different priorities. And it's hard to transition from being single for a period of years, transition into committed relationship. And let's say maybe you were, maybe as a single woman, you're like, I don't know, I like, fuck, I've never done that. I'm feeling a little sexy, and I'm out there posting pictures, and people like, and it makes me feel fucking good

about myself, and I'm fucking single, and I have the fucking right to do that. And then all of a sudden you meet a guy, and you don't think anything of it. You're just doing the thing that makes you feel good, right? And you didn't do it maliciously or anything like that, but he might have the right to be like, wait, well, I mean, yeah, I mean,

and hell, maybe that's how he met you, you know? Online, you know, and it's just like, well, yeah, I mean, hey, I don't wanna judge you, that's how I met you, but I am a little, knowing that we're in a committed relationship, I am a little uncomfortable knowing that you're still posting this stuff. I don't wanna tell you what to do,

but like, am I crazy for asking you to tone it down? And you can decide for yourself. That's a healthy, productive conversation in my mind. Yeah. You might be like, you know what? Listen, now that I'm married and I have a kid, I'm posting a lot less shirtless photos. Part of it is because I'm not working out as much

and I don't feel as sexy, but like, also like part of it is like, I don't know, I'm a dad now, I'm a husband, it just feels fucking weird. Like why am I posting thirst traps still? Well, I was single, I guess't know, I'm a dad now, I'm a husband. It just feels fucking weird. Like why am I posting thirst traps still? Well, I was single, I guess I wanted that little bit of validation. Because I didn't have, I wasn't getting that validation day in and out from my wife,

who like told me I was attractive and told me that I turned her on and things like that. So yeah, I guess I needed it from outside sources and things like that. And when we first started dating, we didn't like go cold fucking Turkey and we didn't start like completely changing it up. We kind of grew into, you know, our relationship and realizing that we only needed each other for that validation. But that kind of takes time.

Yeah. Hopefully I'll find something a little more healthier soon. I would like to settle down or not soon. I don't know. Just remember things don't usually show up when we want them to. Yeah. Yeah. Crossing my fingers. So back to this one, just final thoughts before I let you go. Just, you know, he almost certainly will reach out, right? But that's not, I'm not saying that to make you feel good about yourself. If he doesn't, that's great. Don't let your ego ask yourself, why doesn't he miss me? Does he not regret it? Am I not a hard person to get over? This was potentially very toxic and very dangerous

for someone who can admit to themselves, has a history of giving men who didn't deserve her way more opportunities than they deserved, right? So you really gotta focus on all the positives and the progress that you made. And accept the fact that like, of course you missed some things about him. He's not a bad guy, he's just not my guy.

But nothing has changed. These are not healthy habits that he has. And like, I don't need a project and I can't possibly again, try to convince him to unfollow thousands of women or turn off his only fans. And I'm not going to have a conversation about convincing someone I'm even considering marrying to delete their spank bank before they get married. That's just fucking crazy. And clearly he is way too attached to this than is healthy. Okay, that's how I felt too. Even in his last text,

he said that he thought his asks were reasonable. He's entitled to feel that way. And you're entitled to disagree. Okay. He said compared to what he can give in a relationship, the asks were reasonable. Not to you. Very true. And you can say it and that's gonna be reasonable. Not to you. Very true.

And you can say it and that's gonna be like, listen, I respect your opinion. I feel differently and I'm uncomfortable with some of your asks. And it doesn't matter what you can give me, given the things that you're trying to take away from me. So let's say he didn't have only fans or anything of that nature.

He does, he does. And he wanted to control what I wore. It's still weird. With that, still weird. Yeah, but the point is, now you're doing the thing that we all like to do where you're like trying to be like, well, what if he didn't have this? The fact that it's almost without being a psychologist or, you know, whatever, my guess is the fact that he does have the only fan and this weird attachment to his spank bank is part of the reason why he is so possessive with

you about your bathing suits. They're correlated, they're connected, and you're trying to disconnect them and act like as if, well, if he just gives this up and like chills out about this and like if I give him to give up the OnlyFans and leave the spank bank, then he actually just cares about me as not being possessive. No. Clearly he has a weird opinion about women that he probably doesn't even realize and he's projecting his objectivity towards women because he's online all the time literally objectifying. He's not getting into all these women. He's objectifying them and they're not memories. They're just, you know, I don't know what the fuck they are,

but he's just, he's not your guy and it is okay to really like someone and see a lot of good in them and see a lot of good in them and see a lot of potential in them and still realize they're not your person. I feel much better now moving forward. If he does reach out, should I just not respond? If I were you, I wouldn't. What could possibly change?

What productive thing could happen? I don't think anything could change necessarily, especially this soon. Everything I heard from you is that his energy and the conversations you have with him are him trying to convince you to be okay with his boundaries and expectations. Correct.

Even if that weren't the case, even if he was like, well, you know what, you're right, I'm sorry I'd come around, I would still be uneasy because it would just be him only doing it to get you back in his life so then he can then control you once he's his girlfriend. He's not even there yet. You know what I'm saying? Like he's still trying to convince you

to be okay with something that deep down, you know you're not okay with. So what's the point of continuing to have this conversation? I definitely lost trust in him. I think there were things like only fans he deleted. He said he was gonna start deleting the Instagram. What do you mean start deleting? That's, you know, it might be a long,

if there's thousands, maybe that's like a half an afternoon worth of work, but like he can do that. Yeah. Like those were things he was willing to do. The spank bank took a lot of pushing, I guess, like from, he talked to another guy at his work and he's married and the guy at his work said that he should essentially get rid of them. Sure. So he ended up doing it in the weirdest way. The spanking? He said he took a table saw to the actual USB drive and cut it in half. I didn't

see it but that's what he said he did. Well that just speaks to his like obsession with it. Listen this is not a bad guy or a lost cause, but it's a project, that's for sure, and he's 38 years old and I don't know, and he's intense. Not my guy. Yeah, he's very intense. He gets a lot of anxiety. It's very intense.

I don't wanna give you any false hope because I really think it's best that you move on. But the only thing he should be convincing you of is not to be okay with his weird boundary and expectations, thing he should be convincing you of is not to be okay with his weird boundary and expectations, but he should be convincing you how much he realizes just how off he was to expect you to do some of the things he asked. And if he's going to do any convincing, that's the convincing he should be doing. But even then, that's a whole nother conversation of like, can you really, what's he trying to get?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. this wraps it up for me. Like I'm gonna choose not to respond because I think it will come eventually. All right, well, congratulations. This happened much faster than it would in the past. I'm serious. This is the fastest I've ever dropped somebody after I've seen red flags.

And that's where your energy should go. I mean, yeah, you're laughing, but I think it's a big step in your life. I don't think you fully appreciate how big. I don't, just because I feel like I keep making the same mistakes. I'm like, I'm making- Are you a mind reader?

No. Can you read the future? Definitely not. So why are you giving yourself such a hard time because you didn't know everything about this guy in less than a month? I don't know, I think because a lot of people just think my date, they don't actually say this,

but it just feels like some people take my dating life as kind of a joke, so in order to deal with it, I also take it as a joke. But yeah, I've struggled in the realm of love for a very long time. Yeah, me too. It'll be fine, give yourself some grace, you're making progress. Okay, thank you. It'll be fine. You're, give yourself some grace. You're making progress.

Okay. Thank you. Everyone struggles with love and it's very easy to judge from afar. And I don't know who these people are, who you're making them feel judged and what their dating situations are, if they're married with kids or whatever, but everyone has fucking problems. And a lot of them just don't want to talk about it. And that's fine because people are entitled to keep their secrets. But everyone's fucking got them you know why they judge you because it makes them feel a little bit better about the shit they're dealing with thanks you've made mistakes and all you can do is learn from them yeah I try I definitely try my best it's all you can do so stop being yourself up for not being a mind reader it takes time to get to know people and people always put their best foot forward early on.

So, this was a huge net positive for you, not a negative. And you got to see it that way. Thanks. It makes me feel a lot better because I just keep thinking I'm making the same mistakes. So like hearing the positive affirmations helped me move on a little bit stronger. Making the same mistake would be dating this guy for, I don't know how long, a year or two or whatever. Yeah. Making the same mistake would be like taking that call, letting him back in, allowing him to doubt yourself, and just

settling for the things that you do like and putting up with the things that you know you don't deserve. Yeah very true that would have been me probably six years ago. Maybe even three years ago. Let's cut that in half. So then we're not making the same mistakes. Yes not making the same mistakes. Yes, not making the same one. You're gonna find it someday. I just don't know when. Thanks, I'm hopeful. All right. I'm hopeful.

You're gonna be just fine. All right, take care. Bye. Bye guys, thank you. Yep. How's it going? Hi, I'm Claire. I'm 34 and I am tech-sperting with my chiropractor and I wanna ask him out. Okay, howiting with my chiropractor and I want to ask him out.

Okay, how good of a chiropractor is he? He's my first one so I don't know but I think he's great. Great. So replaceable. I guess you get why I'm asking, right? Because like... 100%, yes. Right. So if he was like, I've been through so many chiropractors, it's finally the first one that actually works. I'd be like, I don't know if we want to... But it's your first one. I'm pretty excited to find a new one. There you go.

Can I help with you crafting a message or are you not even sure if you should still do it? Like, what are you trying to debate here? Like what, what are you unsure about? What can I help with? So let me kind of try and backtrack and go to the beginning. Like we've been, I've been seeing him for probably like eight months. I feel like we've been flirting for like six.

My mom sees him. He asks questions about me. We flirt a lot in the office. I always call my mom after I'm like, mom, it's on the tip of his tongue. He wants to ask me out, but he's not doing it. To preface, we have like a friend of mine sees him and she referred me to him and she has a best friend that used to work for him. And so a couple of weeks ago, like the week of the fourth of July, he was flirting with me in the office like we normally like flirt in the office. And he was saying that he had a sunscreen because he didn't have a significant other put sunscreen on his back. So I was like, Oh man, if I would have known I would have brought you some aloe spray. And he was like, well, I'll be here till five. And I was like, Oh, man, if I would have known I would have brought you some aloe spray. And he was like, well, be here till five. And I was like, Okay, you

know, we flirted, whatever. I left the office, didn't think anything of it was going to bring the aloe spray. And then a couple hours later, I look at my phone and I have a boy smell from his office. And he had had his assistant call me and say, Hey, he's still waiting for his aloe spray. He'll be here till five. Just give us a call back. And so after all of this time of flirting, I was like, okay, he's having someone from the office call me that's asking for it. I'm not reading into it too much.

And instead of calling back, I was like, you know what, I'm just going to take the aloe up there and I'm going to take my make friendship bracelets with my phone number on them, like Travis Kelsey. friendship bracelets with my phone number on them like Travis Kelsey and that I once I took it back to the back to him he was like really surprised that I showed up and I said next time you want something from me call me yourself instead and so that night we started texting and we've been texting for probably so you're weeks now he texts you that night. Yeah, okay. We've been texting for two weeks It's very flirty surface level like in the office we

Talk about like our friends our families like what we've done, but it's very surface level in the text message I'm just like I didn't think that I was reading into it after he texts me and now I'm like Why has he not asked me out? So I'm trying to figure out if I should just be like or or you need to ask me out and I'm not coming back. Sounds like it, yeah. Okay. I mean, you have friends and your mom, I'm assuming to your knowledge,

he's not texting with other patients. I would assume so. But you're- It took me- You're not aware of anyone. I feel like it took me giving her permission to take it outside of the office by going up there and saying like, if you want something from me, ask me yourself.

And we know he's not married or has a girlfriend or? Yes. How old is he? He's 46. Do you know anything about his relationship history? You've been texting. He was married. So the girl that referred me to him,

her best friend used to work in his office. So I know a little bit about him. And so he was married. He's been divorced for probably a decade ish. And, but he's been raising his kids by himself. Hasn't been dating a lot seriously. He shared all this information with you? No, he hasn't shared anything about his history.

Okay. And you know this because the friend. Yeah. So there's a lot. So he found out that we have mutual friends on Facebook and he told my mom. And after that, him and I talked about it. And then my friend told me that they started hanging out when they were both going through a divorce,

like about a decade ago. Okay, and? So, and that he hasn't really dated since then. Like it's been like on and off. He has been raising his kids from my understanding by himself. Why? I don't know that. I mean, ex-wife's crazy is what I've heard, but I don't know.

It's truly. How old are his kids? Older, going to college. You got nothing to lose other than maybe a chiropractor. Yeah, that's exactly how I was feeling. I just, I am anxious. Like it makes me anxious that he hasn't asked me out. Why?

Well, like, so I don't want to be a texting warrior. And I feel like that right now, cause it's very surface level flirting. Like, yeah, we know about each other, but there's no like, I don't know. It's not significant flirting or like something that gives me like butterflies. I'm just like, okay, we're teasing each other and having fun. But if he hasn't dated, I don't understand why he hasn't asked me out. From your perspective, how forward have you been with him?

I would say out of the two of us, I'm the most forward. I've asked him to lunch before, like after I've gone to see him, then he like blushes. He gets color of a tomato, it's hilarious. And- So you have asked him? For one reason or another, he can't come.

Yeah. I mean, and he's come, he did come at me after we started texting the next day. He came and met me and my friend out for dinner and drinks. How'd that go? It went good. It was great. It was my friend that referred me to him. So he knew her too. Okay. But I just am so confused why he hasn't asked me out because it's kind of like developed organically and great, I think. Well, I mean, I wouldn't say great. You even you've you said surface level. Yeah, enough for him to feel comfortable enough to ask me out.

Potentially, for sure. Yeah, but, you know, doctor, patient relationship, power dynamic, things like that. He knows your friend, he knows your mom, like other than like gender roles. And I don't know what your opinion is about, like whether you should be asking a guy and vice versa, but like to throw that aside, what are your concerns for asking him out? I guess I don't really have any.

I know you do. What if he says no? I'd be okay with that. I feel like it wouldn't even be awkward for me to go back to. Like we have a really goofy banter, it's like funny. So I wouldn't feel that awkward. I don't know, I just wanted to give him the chance to do it and he hasn't.

It's been a long time since I like dated seriously or really dated at all, especially with someone like this. So outside of the dating apps. So I just wanted to give him the opportunity and it's just kind of a let down that he has and I guess. Sure. I don't know. That's just your ego.

As a guy, it's, you know, as I got an older, you know, when I was single, it was pretty easy for me to be like, I don't know, that's just your ego. As a guy, as I got older, when I was single, it was pretty easy for me to be like, I don't know, it's probably me. For example, let's say he's had some fun with you, and let's say he's thinking to himself, I think she's really beautiful, and she seems nice and flirty and fun, but who knows? I don't know, fuck it, man. We'll probably date, and we'll have some sex, and then we won't date, and then it'll be awkward. I want to save myself the trouble and just be friends

with her. Maybe that's why he's not asking I don't know there's gonna be a million reasons why he's not asking you. You know 46 year old chiropractor's got kids in college and it's just like I don't know man I don't have time for this shit right now. Well as young guys is about to go to college so he's about to be an empty nester and from my understanding if he hasn't been dating I'm like okay you should be ready to have some fun bro. Maybe I don't know maybe he's about to be an empty nester. And from my understanding, if he hasn't been dating him, like, okay, you should be ready to have some fun, bro. Maybe, I don't know. Maybe he's just like, been out of the game, you know? Maybe he's just like not, you know,

if he really has in fact been out of the game that long, that's another reason why maybe he hasn't asked you out. It's just like, fuck, how do I do this shit? Like, you know, if you're overthinking it, he's probably overthinking it. Maybe there's a world where he's just not that interested. There is that. You did ask him out to lunch. Just because someone blushes,

doesn't mean they're obsessed with you. Maybe it's just because you made him a little self-conscious. Okay. Fair. I guess my ultimate thought process was, I go to see him, I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow, and I go and see him the Tuesday that I get back. Essentially, I've been paying him to see him and now we're like talking so I don't want to pay him To see me and I thought about saying like

Always pre book my appointments. I'm not gonna book my next appointment and like if you want to see me you need to ask me out Well, first of all, you're seeing him to him Perform. Yes, fair. I know, yes. I guess if you're like, I don't even like how he addressed me, but I'm literally only going to see him, then no, I guess that's a different conversation. But what's stopping you from tonight? It's being like, I'd love for you to take me to dinner. Yep.

Because I've been the forward one in our situation, I feel like I have to be the one that just says, I think you need to to be the one that just says, I think you need to ask me out. Are you comfortable dating? When's your last, you know? It's been a while. I've been out of a serious relationship for a year and a half.

I've had a few situations since then. But you're fairly comfortable with dating. You've been on some dates recently. Yeah. Yeah. He hasn't, assuming we trust him, right? He hasn't. Yeah. So. Trust him, yeah. Yeah, he hasn't assuming we trust him right he hasn't yeah, so trust him

Yeah, maybe maybe like the biggest reason why it's just like maybe yeah, maybe you do need the one with who's a little bit more experienced When it comes to dating who's a little more comfortable with putting themselves out there Maybe yeah, you need to be the one who initiates the date No one gives a shit who asked who out. Your relationship won't care how you met. And so whether he asks you out or you ask him out, whatever expectations you have about the men that you date or how chivalrous you wanna be

or how if you have more maybe traditional values and you want the men in your life or the man in your life to play a certain role, that all can still happen even if you ask him out. You know? That was kind of my thought process. I thought it's been a long time since I've had anything serious

and he seems like a good guy, which is why I'm attracted towards him. But I also, I overthink everything naturally. And I was like, I didn't know whether to overthink that he's like breaking ethics to talk to me and that he hasn't asked me out. Yeah. So then I should ask him out.

I think- It's just been like a too many steps for me to think about and I overthink it all. Yeah, that's normal, we all do. So here's what, if you ask him out, this is what I would do if I were you, given what I know from what you shared. Is that like, and I'm only guessing, the guessing is maybe he's a little experienced, maybe he is a little concerned about like ethics or just like how this will come across.

Obviously, some of his other patients are people he knows that you know, right? So like there's the risk of drama, like he's gonna, you know, which he's gonna be kind of against. So if you ask him out, right, I think it's something like very, keep it chill, keep it casual, friendly, be like, I would love to go out to dinner with you sometime. And empathize in a sense, be like, absolutely no pressure. Honestly, I just really enjoy your company

and I really enjoy getting to know you. And you can make a joke like who knows what will happen if it gets to the point where I have to find a new chiropractor I'll be sad but I'll live but at the end of the day I'd love to just go out to dinner with you are you down and you might it might take some convincing honestly you'll know whether like you're begging for his attention or you're just trying to make him feel comfortable because Because based on what you're telling me, it's very realistic that this man is uncomfortable with the idea of taking one of his patients on a date, especially one of his patients that has relationships

with other patients that he has. Yeah. So you might need to make him comfortable. Okay, that's fair. And in that message, be like, think about it, no pressure. But just know that I think you're a great guy and I'm really curious to getting to know you more. And if you ever wanna go out to dinner, let me know.

And it might have to be kind of that more like not a specific day, but just putting it out there. Yeah, I like that. You wanna go from there? Yeah, I've just been feeling very awkward about it because I am in a very, not me, but just I've been I just been feeling very awkward about it because I am in a very not me but just being traditional a little bit. I do you can still be the guy like I want to feel wanted I guess I want to feel wanted.

You'll have plenty of opportunities to feel wanted by him. You know think about it right this guy could ask you out right right now for all we know you could be surprised and you could get a text and it could all of a sudden be this sexy suave, be like, hey, beautiful, I've been thinking about you a lot and I've been dying to take you out to dinner, how's next Friday? And you'd squeal and be like, ah, you'd call your friends and be all excited, right? And you'd be like, that's exactly what I wanted him to do. Yeah. And then you go on a dinner date and go real well, you get to know him and then two months in the relationship, you could learn something about like some weird expectation or weird

thing about him that you're like, this is not for me. And all of a sudden, maybe like you go on a date and he's like, by the way, just so you know, like, I just think it's really fucking weird for guys to ever open doors for women. I don't know. Like maybe it's just like some bizarre fucking weird thing he feels like you have no idea. And that will matter away more than how We asked you out the first time on the flip side

You sending this text make him feel more comfortable pursuing him a little bit Making it a safe space for him to take a chance on dating a patient being the aggressive person Maybe a little bit of convincing in your part Whatever that's that's that's just getting you in the you in the conversation. Then you get to know him, he's going to feel more comfortable with you. You're like, hey, I think we're dating. You're like, by the way, and then maybe you have a weird conversation, whether you should or shouldn't still go to him as a chiropractor. You go to someone else, he's like, I'm going to refer you a friend, whatever. Let's just be boyfriend and girlfriend. Let's not complicate

the situation. It'd make me feel more comfortable. You're like, cool, great. You're not that good anyways. You fuck with him, right? And then, then from that point, he can start showing you who the type of guy he really is and how he would be in a relationship. You have no idea how he would be in a relationship. Right now, he's your doctor. He's not focusing on how he should act around you as if someone he's potentially dating.

He's always constantly checking himself, probably, about like, is this appropriate to do around my patient? So you can't get an inaccurate reading about how he is in a relationship right now. You gotta get in that conversation. Right now you have this weird kind of patient doctor barrier and like you're not really sure how to act around him. And he's probably just playing it safe,

especially text messaging. A smart person and he is a doctor, I mean, he's a chiropractor, so it's always like a spectrum with chiropractors. But it's not smart to be texting, incriminating things for somebody who doesn't really know our trust. And if I were him, I wouldn't be like going deep in personal via text with you.

Yes, I don't know. I just, having his assistant call me, got his whole entire office, because whenever I had to go back to his office, like everyone was involved, whenever I walked in, they saw, because I changed clothes, because I always go to the chiropractor,

and like leggings and a t-shirt. And then I would, whenever I got the phone call, I changed clothes, and I went back, and I feel like it was like very theatrical of it. It was a small office. Maybe, and maybe that scared him. Maybe he leaned in a little bit, was a little flirty, you showed up, got shit from his staff,

and he's like, you know, this is too much, I can't do this shit. Yeah. We can sit here and break down and overthink all the possible scenarios, but like, I think when it comes down to is, we've made a very believable case of why this person, this man, who despite you hope that he would be more,

you know, traditional and conservative or whatever it is, you know, he has every reason to be guarded with you. Yeah. And if you want to go on a date with him, yeah, you have to make him feel comfortable and safe to do so. Especially a person who's like inexperienced when it comes to dating.

If his ex really is fucking crazy, this guy has learned a lot of things to protect himself around people. He's got kids, he's raising, he's got a practice to protect. He's not a 22 year old fuck boy who's leading with his dick anymore. He's a guy who's probably been burned a couple times.

He sees the angles, probably so much so that he does overthink as well. Just like you're able to talk yourself out of things, so is he. That's part of the downside of being burned and learning from mistakes is that kind of cynicism and that being scared of taking a risk and think to yourself, I don't need this shit.

Why bother? And maybe that full dynamic of getting his office involved was just enough, was more than enough drama for him that week. Yeah. And maybe that scratched his itch. So right now your goal isn't necessarily to ask him on a date or hope that he leans in and show you his macho-ness and how much of a man he is.

Right now your job is to make him safe enough to open up to you more or see you in a different light. And that should be the tone. I like that because I do have several friends, my mom, everyone, like people that see him and then I've talked, I work at a client-based career and I've told a lot of them and they're very excited about me potentially having a date with him and I'm like, I just don't know.

But our texts have been so surface level, I don't know how to necessarily get it deeper until. Stop trying to have a deeper conversation via text. He's probably not gonna do that. I wouldn't ever go deep with you via text if I were in this situation with you. It's a risk, he doesn't know you. For all he knows, you're fucking insane.

Yeah. So like, I wouldn't. He might already think that. Maybe, I don't know. might already think that. Maybe. I don't know. But that's kind of the point. So like stop wanting to go deep with him via text. You need to get in front of him.

Your goal is to get him in an environment like a date or a walk in the park, you know, that doesn't include a third party and allow him to like feel comfortable around you. And yeah, you might have to change- So asking for a walk or like a coffee? Yeah. I keep it casual. The message you want to send him is some version of like, hey, I really enjoy your talks and I love getting to know you. I'd love to go to dinner with you sometime. If you're ever down for that, I'm always down to finding a new chiropractor if it comes to that. But like, I think you're great and I'd love to get to know you more. And if that's something

you're comfortable with, let me know. And you get to know you more. And if that's something you're comfortable with, let me know. And you should include that like, hey, if that's something you're comfortable with, empathize with the potential of his discomfort. I like that. Your job is to make him feel safe around you. How do you make someone feel safe?

Empathize with them, make them understand that you, you know, you can put yourself in his shoes. Yeah. Okay. It's 2024, you know what I'm saying? Like gender roles are constantly changing and you can still have the traditional relationship with this guy if that's what you want. Your job right now is you're trying to find out whether he can be your boyfriend via text when he's still your doctor. You haven't even gone on a date with him. So let's figure out if

you can get him on a date and then then from there, now I can figure out whether this is someone I even want to get to know really. But you're doing the thing that we all like to do is that you're having fun fantasizing about the possibility of this doctor. And it's fun and to chat with your girlfriends about it. And that's human nature, but like, you know, it's just fun to talk about.

This has nothing to do with who he is or your potential of dating. Let's walk before we run. Oh my gosh I'm excited now. Alright I'm excited too. Let us know how it goes. I can do that. Alright thanks for the call. Thank you so much also love that you guys are watching Love Island now.

Finally we're waiting for it. So good. So good. Alright take care. Thanks for it. So good. So good. All right. All right. Take care Thanks for listening don't forget to send in those questions at ask nick of the valve house comm we'll see you tomorrow. Bye